#no I don't love History and tragedies what are you on about

[greatwesternway]

Do war machines have a higher threshold for trauma than their civilian counterparts? Do engines in general have higher thresholds for trauma than humans?

It's less that engines have a higher threshold for trauma than that they don't consider bad things that happen to them to be traumatic. Most of the worst things that have happened to our machines are still accepted aspects of their lives. Every engine knows they'll end up in the scrapyard one day; war machines have every expectation of being destroyed in battle or having to destroy others.

It's also that they are, the vast majority of them, creations of times and places where the way you dealt with trauma is by getting over it and getting back to work. The idea of addressing trauma at all, let alone healing from it, is quite modern.

Beyond that, we very purposely do not put much emphasis on dialing up the drama on events in our engines lives that could be spun as traumatic because we're just not interested in it.

In 2020, my husband was killed in a car accident. I think that event could be construed outwardly as traumatic, yeah? I expected to feel that way about it when it happened. But I don't. It was horrible, it changed my entire world and expectations for my life. I had to deal with so many things immediately when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and debate the merits of throwing myself off my balcony. Then when all the immediacy was dealt with, there was the years long wait for the legal matters to be settled.

My husband's death informs my life now, of course, but it's also not a looming shadow lurking behind every moment. I am moving on (literally). And I am not interested in writing about trauma. It feels melodramatic to me now.

Personal tragedy aside, I think Ray and I both are also just exhausted with the state of the world. I mean, is not being alive in this time kind of an ambient collective trauma? I am thirty-six years old and it seems every year since 1999 the world has been determined to one-up itself in shittiness.

The great appeal of this project to us is that these trains have this magnificent history, with both good and bad in them, that they can only look back upon now because their story didn't end when they thought it did. Not only that, but their history is still being built upon to this day. They remember the past, but they don't dwell in it. Their lives go on; they are good to each other and they are living well. Maybe the world at large is insurmountably dogshit, but that doesn't matter in our letters because our trains love their museums and they love their friends and they love each other.

It's hopeful. It reflects the way I am living now and it's what I wanna put out into world.

#the future is still silver and black

[bimoonphases]

@wolfstarmicrofic May 9 - prompt 9: Star-crossed Lovers [word count 963]

[also my small tribute to the thousands of lives we the fandom have created for these two to live through]

TW: multiple deaths ahead

There had always been two moments, two split seconds in all of their lives, where they knew: the first time they laid eyes on each other, teeth of recognition gnawing at their memory with still no chance of remembering; then those last fleeting instants before death, when fate chose to hit them with the fact that the love of their lives was about to be snatched away from them. Again.

The flapping of wings got closer, and Sirius stretched out his hand, every fiber of his being trying to reach the man looking at him from the cloud below, blinking away the sweat from his forehead.

“Please, my lord Helios, please…” Sirius begged, stretching further down. “I swear he’s not trying to slight you, only to reach me. I’ll do anything, please, let him come to me.”

But the gods never listened, not even to lesser gods, and as Helios burned even brighter over him, Sirius could only scream as the wax on Remus’s wings melted and he fell.

Ancient Greece

Remus passed his sword to his other hand and cradled Sirius’s cheek, ignoring the ominous footsteps coming towards them from further down the pass.

“Let’s win this, my love,” he smiled. “Then let’s go home together.”

Sirius nodded and kissed him, their helmets clanging softly, like multiple others around them. The footsteps got closer.

Thermopylae, Greece, 480BC

Sirius moaned as Remus pushed him against the wall of the nearest house, his mouth immediately latching onto his lips, his hands grabbing his waist over the fabric of his tunic.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he whispered between searing kisses. “I’ve loved you for lifetimes now.”

“I love you too,” Sirius answered, his fingers curling into Remus’s hair. “You’re mine and I’m yours, for this life and others.”

The sky went dark in that moment.

Pompeii, Roman Empire, 79AD

Sirius was laughing. He was laughing hysterically, which was a strange sound coming from the cart transporting them to the square where a pile of wood and kindling was waiting for them. Remus would have worried if he hadn’t been just about to be burnt at the stake.

“What’s so funny?” he sighed.

“The fact that for once in their lives these people got it right,” Sirius went on laughing. “They’re burning witches, and here we are with our magic.”

“Which is useless now,” Remus grumbled, straining against the rope binding his wrists, as if his wand could somehow be within reach instead of already ashes in some magistrate’s fireplace.

“And they’re hanging men who sleep with other men,” Sirius went on. “And again, here we are.”

Despite all, Remus chuckled. Sirius grinned and moved closer to him.

“What do you say, my love?” he whispered. “Let’s give them what they want.”

And not even the shouts of the crowd pressing around the cart stopped Remus from kissing Sirius one last time.

Milan, Italy, 1384

The mercy of it was that they still had some instants to say goodbye. Sirius cradled Remus’s cheek in his hand.

“At least,” he murmured with a smile. “We’re already in a tomb.”

Remus smiled through the tears, shuffling even closer to Sirius on the marble slab.

“At least I get to keep you in my arms as we go,” he whispered. “I always wished to be with you until the end. I just hoped the end would come years from now.”

“I’d rather have only days with you than nothing at all,” Sirius said.

The cold was seeping into his bones. Time was running out.

“Do you think that English poet who’s been in town lately will write about us?” Remus murmured.

“If he does he’ll have to change some details,” Sirius got even closer, the cold now all over him, his mouth desperately searching for Remus’s lips one last time. “Thus, with a kiss, I die.”

Verona, Italy, 1590

They had lost, that much was clear. Remus stumbled back into the building with the others, desperately climbing over barricades of furniture. They had lost, and the National Guard was advancing on them. No one was coming to help them. Shots rang out, some people fell and Remus crashed into the back wall. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the leader run up the stairs, his flag still in his fist, a testament to a last stand already. There was a crack, and the last chairs blocking the door moved, leaving room for the guards to move inside, shotguns at the ready, eyes locking with Remus’s, who sighed and leaned back on the wall. He felt a hand slip in his and turned his head, a smile he would have recognised everywhere in front of him.

“Sirius…” he whispered. “What are you doing here?”

“Dying with you, my love,” Sirius answered.

They almost didn’t feel the bullets, lost in each other’s eyes.

Paris, France, June 6th 1832

“Should I call you ‘my lord’ then?” Remus asked, his hands slipping under the silk waistband hugging Sirius’s evening suit.

“Never,” Sirius whispered, his arms around Remus’s neck. “I want to be just Sirius tonight. I don’t want to be my family name, or my title or my fortune or anything other than yours.”

“Your wish is my command,” Remus said, leaning in to start kissing Sirius’s neck.

Outside the porthole of the small cabin, the Atlantic Ocean was gleaming under the moonlight.

RMS Titanic, April 14th 1912

This time, the first moment was stronger, almost breaking to the front of their consciousness. They were young, so much younger than every other time. They had all their lives ahead.

“Hi, I’m Remus Lupin.”

“Sirius Black.”

Yes, what could go wrong in two children’s lives after all?

“My name’s Peter Pettigrew.”

Hogwarts Express, September 1st 1971

#no I don't love History and tragedies what are you on about #also not me conflating two of my tragic fandoms together here #I'm sorry alright? #wolfstar #wolfstar microfic #remus lupin #sirius black #remus x sirius #sirius x remus #marauders era #marauders #the marauders #the marauders era

[fondcrimes]

the "labru chapter" is the kabru chapter

this is a dungeon meshi love manifesto, but not in the way you think. sorry not sorry for the labrubait

what makes chapter 76 so amazing is kabru’s desperation has little to do with laios specifically. it’s not just about kabru being obsessed with laios and making sure he doesn't cause tragedy, either. I think this chapter emphasizes kabru's struggle with the concept of love and companionship. the point of this chapter is that every critical part of kabru collides at once and renders him useless.

(disclaimer: this post includes a lot of projection/speculation but it's to understand kabru's character arc i promise. for clearer analysis and examination of how kabru's ideologies are constructed, check out this really great post)

kabru is a lone visionary

in ch 76, kabru’s threatened by lycion exposing his true intentions to laios not only bc he wants to prevent laios from joining marcille in her destruction, but also bc laios is also from a short-lived race and kabru needs an ally in his power struggle against elves (esp when the chips are down)

but has kabru really accepted his need for allies in his plight? kabru has spent his adult life suppressing a human urge to connect meaningfully with others. he even keeps rinsha et al. at arm's length in the name of achieving his masculine hero complex/survivor's guilt goals. he's already quite disillusioned bc most adventurers don't have the same goal as he does. so he uses people and gets on their good side for systematic support. he’s well-intentioned and takes care of his party. but the idea that an ally could also protect HIM and make HIM feel safe as well doesn’t really register with him until later on in the narrative bc camaraderie and allyship, at its core, is about acknowledging intimacy. kabru struggles with intimacy sub-textually (his self-neglect and social insincerity) even though he knows how to simulate it to gain others' trust.

but he can’t crack laios, he can’t get him to listen. for lack of a better word, kabru is spoiled by the fruits of his superb perception and emotional intelligence. he also doesn’t cope well with failure (bc his goal is too valuable to ~not~ devote himself to) he puts too much value in conquering laios and when he thinks he's failed, he basically crashes out. the real problem is he still doesn’t understand his true feelings--not feelings for laios, but the root of his desire. the root of his goals and the endless search for companionship.

kabru is a strategic historian

at his core, kabru is a storyteller. he tells himself a variety of stories about his trauma and his goals, which serve as motivation and to some extent, self-protection (as shown in his conversation w mithrun). he deeply understands the role of storytelling in regards to the construction of history and drastic shifts in power.

as an utayan, he understands that the tragedy that overcame his people was not random, but resulted from elven negligence of a disenfranchised people. it is imperative for kabru to cement himself as a voice for otherwise voiceless people. in his story, he has no choice but to handle the hero, if not become the hero himself.

kabru even has a story about his pursuit of laios, mainly that laios is currently the most capable person of defeating the mage and that he must do whatever it takes to ensure laios doesn’t fuck it up. his instincts are right, sure, but at first, he places special value in laios’ capabilities that almost seems unearned… like yes he’s studied the island adventurers with frightening expertise, so it makes sense he would have a good idea about who is the most equipped to succeed. but his early suspicions of the toudens seems to complicate my perception of his knowledge by adding emotional depth and a layer of tinhattery so to speak.

canonically, kabru has been rebuffed by laios multiple times (which is so... lolll) when he's talking with his party, kabru hides behind the excuse of dungeon but he’s been trying to get his attention this whole time. to me it reads like he's got a bruised ego from being ignored and is being a hater about it (so real lol). it's funny bc kabru is usually great at taking shit from others (esp elves) if it means nobody suspects/interrogates his true intentions and he can keep the peace. so why does laios tick him off so bad? now we have to get into the psychoanalysis of it all!

kabru is a cynic

first and foremost, kabru’s cynical philosophy about humans is challenged by the touden mission. but plenty of people don’t care about the impact of their actions, so why does kabru obsess over the toudens at the start? I figured kui changed gears with kabru's characterization following his introduction, but I want to try to connect it to kabru's unresolved survivor's guilt. kabru is the sole survivor of a catastrophe caused by negligence and oversight. he criticizes the negative impact of the toudens' generosity and naïveté and confirms his cynical worldview (the road to hell is paved with best intentions), but still maintains a level-headed perspective. on the other hand, kabru's interactions with laios are tinged with irrational jealousy/resentment/desperation, even prior to kabru learning laios' character/intentions as an adventurer. I cannot emphasize enough that I am employing a neutral definition of jealousy here--it seems kabru is jealous of the freedom to not care the way laios does not care about the fate of the island. this isn't to say laios doesn't care about humans, he does, but he seems so singleminded compared to kabru esp in ch 76. kabru sees laios going to the literal end of the world to save his sister. laios gets to be human selfishly, kind-natured but ultimately self-prioritizing.

kabru correctly assesses motives (besides his own maybe). falin said she’d do anything to protect laios and marcille. laios has been socially rejected by people his whole life, and at first, he only cares about his sister and monsters. kabru has survived horror but only by accident… he doesn't agree with their pov and more importantly, it doesn’t exactly compute with him. the toudens are wholly unaware of their impact, which does not sit well with kabru at all, who understands the impact of negligence better than anyone else, esp how it ends up harming the less fortunate and extremely marginalized in society. it's reminiscent of the age-old trolley problem. while kabru has been the victim of senseless pain, I suspect kabru can’t yet make sense of senseless love. he gets to look down at their cause and call it selfish because it directly contradicts his lived experience.

kabru is an ethicist with a heroic streak

it's easy to glean that kabru wants to be the hero utaya should’ve had. while he's hardcore and intense, but not paranoid enough to do something rash. he uses violence as a means of achieving peace. he's self-aware enough to know his skill limits, which seems rational at a glance but the pressure he puts on himself suggests he views himself as inadequate until he achieves his goal. the races of humans are so split up and he sees that this is a matter of power first and foremost.

with the canaries, kabru submits to political pageantry to make a separate case for innocent people. senseless tragedy is unforgivable, but so is the "too little too late" reality of the canary system. he takes on the impossible task of rallying people together to save the dungeon. one read is that he's saving his childhood self from trauma perhaps by saving those like him… he's wishing someone did something before it got bad, wondering why nobody intervened when they had every opportunity to step in. it’s deeper than a sense of duty or fairness, this is about betrayal and retribution.

throughout his life, kabru struggles with the material inequity and limits of love. the human population is fundamentally segmented into a hierarchy due to lifespans and access to power/resources. his mother was the only one who loved him in utaya and she was ostracized because of his appearance and then she was killed due to senseless tragedy. his frustration with the elves encapsulates this idea perfectly, because he is aware of of the limits of their empathy as a long-lived race and adjusts his strategy and rhetoric accordingly. I think milsiril’s love for kabru is genuine, but still infantilizing and smothering due to the racial imbalance. this continues to inform his politics, as he views their perception of short-lived races with contempt. the worst offense is that their bigotry is nonsensical, meaning their hearts cannot be reasoned with.

dungeon meshi is a story about power and politics, yes, but genuine love and acceptance are the catalysts of change and equality. the "invisible gulf" that marcille is referring to is the inability to view other races with love and care. such is the essence of camaraderie. kabru's backstory, family history, and beliefs/motivations raise two important questions for me: who gets to be loved enough to survive, and then to thrive?

kabru is a monster

the emphasis on distinguishing between humans and monsters is quite interesting too. of all sentient beings, who qualifies as worthy of "human" treatment? who deserves empathy and acceptance? kabru seeks these answers to fix the world, but also to justify his place in it.

kabru's lack of self-worth is evident here, but what’s more interesting is he knows many humans suffer worse fates than some monsters. the dehumanization/neglect of fellow humans does not compute, if the premise is humans are superior to demi-humans/non-humans because mutual empathy and understanding. he clings to the superiority of humanity as an appeal to ethos to those in power despite what he might actually believe about himself. to kabru, the true injustice is that humans won’t even save “inferior” humans despite being the same. his unclear heritage manifests as guilt, as he feels directly responsible for his mother's suffering because he is monstrous. then here comes laios, a human who somehow can find it in himself to love monsters.

kabru doesn’t want laios to love him, per se, but laios’ love for monsters and for falin reveals life-altering possibilities for kabru: there is a world where someone could love him even if he were a monster. there is a world where somebody would go to extreme measures just to save him. kabru does not know the extent of laios' trauma but recognizes a sort of kindred spirit but inverse. taking off the ship goggles here--it has less to do with laios specifically, and more to do with what his beliefs/abilities represent for the trajectory of the world (because kabru studies how beliefs/abilities manifest into material reality, after all)

kabru is seeking the power of love

in a different story, kabru would be laios’ archnemesis. they would have a disastrous battle of opposing worldviews in their struggle for dominion. kabru has every right to want to take laios out bc while his affinity for monsters is sympathetic and even charming, it is still a natural threat… kabru has the true hero pathology. he believes he only deserves to live if he can save people for a variety of reasons/traumas. he should do whatever it takes to exterminate laios. but the expectation is subverted in chapter 76 bc we see kabru’s curiosity and ongoing quest for understanding win over his worst fears.

I feel like I’ve been projecting a lot but bear with me... a huge part of kabru’s character is him trying to figure out how to matter to people, or figuring out why people matter to others in general. it’s not to say he doesn’t matter to his friends or milsiril, but why else would he bother with all the manipulative people-pleasing? it would be less meaningful if he had ulterior motives like greed or power, but he plays into people's expectations/desires for a disastrously noble cause. he’s still actively living in his trauma as a deeply traumatized adult. it’s pure serendipity that laios can send him right back to his past and then pull him right out again. I don't think it's crazy to say kabru (correctly) projects a lot of shit on laios bc he doesn’t know how to deal with those injustices and barriers between people himself.

this is also why I believe kabru's beef with laios is as personal as it is strategic. we have to consider the trajectories of their character arcs (their big missions, respectively) in relation to one another as foils. if laios' love for falin can move mountains and do impossible things, kabru is subconsciously drawn to the magnitude of that love like a magnet. his response to cognitive dissonance is quite remarkable as well. at the root of his unbelievable capacity for understanding and curiosity is the deep wound of being unloved and unprotected. kabru does not avoid or run away from his fears, he quite literally keeps running toward them and follows it down to hell. he wants to identify the true source of his deepest wound.

to me, this omake connects his childhood curiosity to his search for love, almost as to ask “is there enough room for me to be loved?" and the same can be said for marcille's character arc/ backstory. her biracial heritage has caused her great existential pain and social isolation.

in dungeon meshi, the issues of protection and justice continue to be interpreted through love. if kabru were to go back in time and save utaya, he would’ve needed incomprehensible magic, a supernatural power to save himself, his mother, his hometown. in contrast, laios' mission to save falin is just one manifestation of the surreality of love, all of the impossibilities it permits. the touden party wade through invisible gulfs to save falin, but also each other. kabru doesn’t hate their story, he just can’t fathom it yet.

kabru is a skilled strategist and communicator. and does not listen to his heart or body until he’s absolutely forced to do it. he has insane goals and expectations for himself and will go to great measures for those goals. as cerebral and cold as he might seem, it’s critical to understand that his character arc is about love too. in my opinion, it’s almost as if he’s trying to change his reality in hopes of finding love. my favorite thing about kabru is that he has all the narrative makings of the perfect misunderstood villain who self-destructs at the end of the story. but kabru is too smart for that, too focused on the big-picture impacts and the historical trajectory of the cause. instead, kabru finds the wherewithal to stand down once he understands that laios is capable of loving humanity like he does, or that he could help him see the value in humanity at all.

to love is to understand, and then to surrender.

#dungeon meshi #kabru #kabruganda #labru #dungeon meshi meta #long post #dungeon meshi spoilers #hits post and runs away #unfortunately ​everything is about love to me

[jesslovesboats]

BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT, I'm back with more Sad Boat Books for Sad Boat People! But first, some words.

I never dreamed that a silly little graphic I made for some friends would generate this much response on twitter and here, but I'm overjoyed that it resonated with so many of you! I read every single comment and tag, and by far my favorites are all of the people who say some variation of "I thought I was the only one who loved these books." We are NOT alone, there are literally thousands of people who reblogged or retweeted this list-- people of all ages and backgrounds and gender identities. Sad Boat isn't just for old white men! I was also delighted to hear from other librarians who are using this in displays and for reader's advisory. PLEASE go forth and do so with my blessing, nothing would make me happier! I was recently laid off from my librarian job as part of a restructuring under new management (don't worry about me, it sucks right now but I'm gonna be fine), so I would love to think that I'm still contributing to the library ecosystem while I'm out of commission. I would also love to keep making these lists (including one that deals with Sad Boat fiction and one with recommendations for other types of media), and I've never had more time to do it, so if you have suggestions, please drop them in my inbox!

Anyway, enough of that-- here are more books! I've either read all of these, or the recommendation came from someone I trust, so read with confidence!

First Hand Accounts

The Quiet Land: The Antarctic Diaries of Frank Debenham edited by June Debenham Back

The Voyage of the Discovery by Robert Falcon Scott

Farthest North by Fridtjof Nansen

Endurance by F.A. Worsley

Boats boats boats!

Franklin's Lost Ship: The Historic Discovery of HMS Erebus by Alanna Mitchell and John Geiger

The Voyages of the Discovery: The Illustrated History of Scott's Ship by Ann Savours

HMS Terror: The Design, Fitting, and Voyages of a Polar Discovery Ship by Matthew Betts

The SS Terra Nova (1884-1943): Whaler, Sealer, and Polar Exploration Ship by Michael C. Tarver

You'll learn about the Ross Sea Party and you'll like it

Shackleton's Heroes by Wilson McOrist

Shackleton’s Forgotten Men: The Untold Tragedy of the Endurance Epic by Lennard Bickel

The Ross Sea Shore Party 1914-1917 by R.W. Richards

The Lost Men by Kelly Tyler-Lewis*

Polar Castaways by Richard McElrea and David Harrowfield*

*These were on my other list, but this is my graphic and I'll do what I want

Sad Airships and Planes

From Pole to Pole: Roald Amundsen's Journey in Flight by Garth James Cameron

N-4 Down: The Hunt for the Arctic Airship Italia by Mark Piesing

Antarctica's Lost Aviator by Jeff Maynard

Disaster at the Pole: The Tragedy of the Airship Italia and the 1928 Nobile Expedition to the North Pole by Wilbur Cross

More Shackleton Content

Shackleton: A Life in Poetry by Jim Mayer

Shackleton's Last Voyage by Frank Wild

The Quest Chronicle: The Story of the Shackleton-Rowett Expedition by Jan Chojecki

Shackleton's Forgotten Expedition: The Voyage of the Nimrod by Beau Riffenburgh

Polar Partners

Snow Widows by Katherine MacInnes

Polar Wives: The Remarkable Women Behind the World's Most Daring Explorers by Kari Herbert

Widows of the Ice by Anne Fletcher

Sad Boat Graphic Novels

Shackleton: Antarctic Odyssey by Nick Bertozzi

The Worst Journey in the World- The Graphic Novel Volume 1: Making Our Easting Down adapted by Sarah Airriess from the book by Apsley Cherry-Garrard*

How To Survive in the North by Luke Healy

*This was also on my other list, but this is my graphic and I'll do what I want

Biographies

Scott of the Antarctic by David Crane

Ice Captain: The Life of J.R. Stenhouse by Stephen Haddelsey

Cherry: A Life of Apsley Cherry-Garrard by Sara Wheeler

Birdie Bowers: Captain Scott's Marvel by Anne Strathie

Roald Amundsen by Tor Bomann-Larsen

Miscellaneous sad boat books that are well worth your time

I May Be Some Time: Ice and the English Imagination by Francis Spufford

Fatal North: Adventure and Survival Aboard USS Polaris, The First US Expedition to the North Pole by Bruce Henderson

Barrow's Boys: A Stirring Story of Daring, Fortitude, and Outright Lunacy by Fergus Fleming

Pilgrims on the Ice by T.H. Baughman

The Coldest Crucible: Arctic Exploration and American Culture by Michael F. Robinson

Ghosts of Cape Sabine by Leonard F. Guttridge

Icebound: Shipwrecked at the Edge of the World by Andrea Pitzer

If you read and enjoy any of these, please let me know!

EDITED TO ADD: OG Sad Boat Books post here!

#reader's advisory #sad boat #sad boat books #polar exploration #nautical history #read this #sad boat 2: electric boogaloo

[hellenhighwater]

I love the celestial Minotaur concept. Am I out of line to ask, what celestial moment in time would b e appropriate for each one? You mentioned ArtPrize, and since I live in the same state as you and have been to Art Prize (lol in conjunction with your profession,even), I considered the venue for display. A big bedsheet size heavens moment in time? Over each sculpture (shockingly inexpensive to print)? So many messages could be implied with the astrological moment above. As someone who loves a good research rabbit hole, I wince to send this, but I couldn't not ask, you know?

I actually don't have an answer to specific astronomical moments for this--astrology has never been my thing. The primary resonance of a celestial theme to me with this series has been more about the layered tragedy of a creature named for the stars, who may never have even seen them, and also something about a finished story being like the light of a dead star--we still see it, but the ending of it is already written, and as unavoidable and unchangeable as history. And also I just like space!

But one of the things I really love about making and sharing art is that people see different things in it. I didn't expect A Crack in the Labyrinth to resonate with homebound people in the way that it did; that was a total surprise. I tend to make things with a very clear message and symbolism in mind (the process of making things is time consuming but does not take a ton of conscious thought in the physical process, so I tend to have very thoroughly contemplated things by the time I'm done, because ADHD brain Does Not Stop) and it feels like a win when people get that message. But it's also really exciting to see expansion on that! I try to walk the line of making my intent clear while leaving room for that interpretation. I struggle to not cram allll the ideas into one piece.

So I'm not planning to actually incorporate my clock of the world or any other outright, external "sky" to these pieces, in large part because it feels too explicit in message. Kind of like 'telling' instead of 'showing.' I have thought about, if I'm able to successfully cast multiples of the miniataur, maybe some kind of small display space that could include a little starry sky of some kind.

#i have overthinking art disease and its INCURABLE

[cringe-but-proud]

So I am totally in love with Regulus and I saw you were taking requests for him so I thought I would ask for an idea that has been on my mind for a bit.

So basically it’s grumpy x sunshine with Reggie and Fem!reader. Maybe there in the library and Reggie is listening to reader go over the books she's read like she rambling as Reggie just listen and occasionally comments you can add more if you like!!

If this makes you comfortable please feel free to ignore this request!

OMG YES. GUYS I FUCKING LOVE REGULUS BLACK.

Sorry. I'm normal.

Regulus black x Fem!Reader

A/n: I didn't wanna write about a book no one knew about, so I decided to play it safe and make reader like Romeo and Juliet. Also my requests are open (and I'm always happy to write about my babygirl, pookie bear, pathetic little meow meow, Regulus Black)

Regulus honestly didn't know how he got to this point. Y/n was never supposed to be anyone special to him. They'd been partnered up together for a Herbology project and as soon as it was over, he was supposed to never talk to her again.

But, of course, as always, things couldn't be that simple for him.

And now, here he was, studying with her almost everyday. Studying might not be the best word for it, a lot of the time it was just the two of them hanging out in the library together. But, he wasn't going to admit he enjoyed hanging out with Y/n. Just like how he wasn't going to admit that he'd developed feelings for her.

The two of them sat in the library like they did almost everyday. Y/n was rambling to him about a book she had to read for her history of magic class.

"I just don't understand why assigned reading is always so boring. That's the reason so many people don't like reading, I think. It's because they only read books that they're forced to read in school, and almost all of those books are boring, so they assume every book is boring, and then they hate reading."

Regulus was used to this. Y/n was always quite talkative. She could go on for hours about pretty much any subject. He didn't mind. He liked listening to her.

"The last time I remember actually enjoying a book I was forced to read for school was when I read Romeo and Juliet. But, a lot of people hated reading Romeo and Juliet, but I think that's just because it's written in old-time-y language, y'know?"

"What's Romeo and Juliet?" Regulus asked curiously.

Y/n paused at that. "Seriously?"

Regulus felt himself begin to blush. Was he supposed to know what that was? Did he sound dumb? "I mean, I know it's a book, but..." he shrugged.

"You've never heard of Romeo and Juliet."

He shook his head.

"How is that even possible?" She chuckled. "It's a classic! It's the classic. I thought-"

"Is it a muggle book?"

She paused at his question. "Well, yeah."

"That's why I've never heard of it. My mother doesn't let me read muggle books."

"Not even Romeo and Juliet?" Y/n shook her head. "That's insane."

"Yeah..." Regulus sighed. His mother was one of the reasons he couldn't admit he had feelings for Y/n. His mother would definitely not approve of Y/n. She wasn't the type of person that the Black family associated with. She was too bubbly, too kind, too accepting of others despite whatever differences they might have. Too happy.

"Anyways," Regulus shook the thoughts of his mother out of his head. "What's it about?"

Y/n smiled. "I can't believe I'm about to explain the plot of Romeo and Juliet to someone."

"Sorry..."

"No, no! I'm excited. It'll be fun." She said reassuringly. "Ok, first of all, it's not really a book. It's a play. But, you never get to just watch the play, you always have to read it in school." She explained. "It's a tragedy written by Shakespeare who's like, a super important guy who wrote a bunch of plays during the Renaissance."

Regulus nodded along as she spoke.

"His most well known play is Romeo and Juliet, which is a romantic tragedy about two starcrossed lovers."

"So..." He was curious now. "What happens in it?"

"Are you asking me to spoil it for you?"

"I guess."

"Romeo and Juliet both die at the end." She says. "Which technically isn't a spoiler, because at the very beginning of the play, there's a prologue where they tell you 'Hey, they both die in the end', but whatever."

Regulus didn't expect that. "And you... liked reading this?"

"Yeah." She shrugged.

"Why?"

"Well..." She thought about it for a moment. "I've always liked romance. And even though this one obviously doesn't have a happy ending, it's still a classic. And I like seeing all the different adaptations of it."

"Adaptations?"

"Oh!" She lit up. "That's another thing! Another reason it's so popular is because there are a bunch of different versions of the story. People make movie versions of it all the time, there's this really good musical, west side story that's based off of it." She gasped. "We should watch one together!"

He blushed at the thought. Watching a movie with her? Like a date? "We should?"

"Yeah! I mean, only if you want to. But, I think it'd be really fun!"

"So..." He looked away. "Tonight?"

"What?"

"I mean, do you want to watch it tonight?"

Y/n was a bit surprised he was so eager to do this. "Yeah. Yeah, sure." She smiled. "We can make popcorn, and get a bunch of blankets and pillows, make it a whole experience." She gathered her things from the table they were sitting at. "Does that sound good?"

Regulus nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "Sounds amazing."

"Great." She gave him a quick hug. "I'll see you tonight."

Maybe her eyes were playing tricks on her, but she could've sworn she saw a blush creep on to his cheeks before she turned to walk away.

#x reader #fanfiction #regulus black x reader #regulus x reader #regulus black fanfiction #marauders x reader #marauders fanfiction

[rthko]

Hi :) I read The Tragedy of Heterosexuality and loved it — do you have any other books you’d recommend about gender/sexuality? Thanks <3 I love reading your long posts, you have really insightful ideas and I think we view the world very similarly

Glad to hear that! Here's some context for anyone not in the loop: The Tragedy of Heterosexuality is a book about Heteropessimism, or rather, finding a way out of it. The notion is that heterosexual love is doomed because men and women are just different by nature, and it manifests through relationship self-help books, incels and pickup artists, and the memes and ramblings of countless straight women who they wish they could just be lesbians. Jane Ward think heterosexuality as we know it self sabotages through what she calls the misogyny paradox: straight men love women, except they don't love women. But she doesn't think heterosexuality is doomed or prop up political lesbianism as a solution. She calls for mutual respect and actually leaning into the heterosexuality of, well, actually liking each other, rather than try to "queer" it. This is part of a really interesting turn in queer theory where heterosexuality has emerged as a subject of study--another good example is Hanne Blank's Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality.

So I want to start out by disclaiming I'm not actually that well read. This is something I've been trying to work on more recently. That said, here are some gender and sexuality recs:

Two essays by Gayle Rubin: The Traffic in Women and Thinking Sex. I don't completely cosign everything she says, but these are monumental texts. Thinking Sex is topical especially as the "sex wars" keep playing out.

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Everyone's heard of this, so my specific recommendation is to skip to part three and the conclusion, where the text is at its most concise. Butler's theory of gender performativity has exploded beyond their initial reach, so they've since had a lot of interviews and given talks that address a wider audience. People who have read both Gender Trouble and Bodies that Matter tend to recommend the latter text, but I still need to.

The Trouble with Normal by Michael Warner, or if you want a shorter version, his essay "Normaler and Normaler." Even if you're not against marriage in its entirety, his criticisms are so incisive and helpful, especially now in countries where gay marriage was passed but proved to be a dead end. It also really gets into gayness as identity versus behavior, which seems to have exploded into a huge conflict recently. This is how you get people who are on board with queerness in the abstract but appalled by its real-life specifics. I also still need to read Fear of a Queer Planet.

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, is a collection of speeches and essays by one of the most influential Black feminist writers. "Uses of the Erotic" especially stuck with me, where the erotic is taken not so literally but as a sort of creative synergy with political implications. If you've ever heard "the master's tools will not dismantle the masters house," that's included in this collection.

Close to the Knives by David Wojnarowicz, also a collection of speeches and essays, is one of my favorite books on AIDS. The rage is palpable and crucial, and the essay "Do Not Doubt the Dangerousness of the 12-inch Politician" is eerily resonant today as politicians still stoke violence on TV (and now social media).

Lately I've been getting more into trans writing, with Transgender History by Susan Stryker and Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. The former alarmed me with how much I didn't know, and the latter blew my mind. It was written at a time when trans people, for better and for worse, weren't really in the public eye except for in niche circles, and academia about trans people was about or at the expense of them but not by and for them. Her mark is so tangible today. My next read will be Reverse Cowgirl by McKenzie Wark after hearing rave reviews. I think I'm going to like it.

I am also accepting recs!

[di-42]

Why are we obsessed with Good Omens?

Why are we obsessed with Good Omens? And, more specifically,why are we so obsessed with Good Omens season 2? And why is this such an intense obsession? I've been obsessed with other TV series in the past: Sherlock, Doctor Who and Gilmore Girls are just a few examples. But my obsession with Good Omens is stronger. I loved Good Omens, the book. I was delighted when not only did Good Omens season 1 not disappoint compared to the book but was excellent in its own right. But after watching season 2 I was a different person. And I know I'm not alone in this.

Why is this? Why is this show affecting us so deeply? To the point that sometimes it feels destabilising?

Like I said above, I loved the book and I loved season 1. I loved the complexity of the plot, the many layers of the story, the humour of course, all the characters and in the TV show the way these characters were portrayed, especially of course our two main heroes. I loved the way the story unapologetically approached religion and teased it and played with it and made fun of parts of it, especially the bureaucratic/hierarchic part without being disrespectful to believers (I think and hope, but since I'm not a believer myself I'm happy to be corrected). I loved how much was in it and the many lenses we could read the story.

Now I'll be honest. When I started watching season 2 I... loved it. Of course I did. The way you love things you know. The way you love things that make you feel safe. The way a toddler loves mum and dad and the way we love going for a coffee with our lifelong friends. Something risk-free, something we know, something we don't need to worry about. Something beautiful but... Shall I say it? Something beautiful, truly beautiful and safe and cosy but not something extremely exciting. The plot is Crowley and Aziraphale have to hide Gabriel who, for some reason, has left heaven. OK. Nice. We get to know Crowley and Aziraphale better, we have more glimpses of their history. Truly, truly beautiful. But safe. A lovely rom com. We fall in love with 1941 all over again. Beautifully emotional. But where's the danger? Is the world really not ending this time round? It was difficult to take the threats from heaven and hell very seriously when we saw our heroes visiting the coffee shop, driving to Edinburgh and miracling rain to make two humans fall in love.

I was enjoying it, I was... yeah. Loving it, sure. We were all happily watching it but, let's face it, we all knew how it was going to end, didn't we?

And that there. That's why we are so obsessed with Good Omens. Well, that's definitely why I'm so obsessed with Good Omens. At first I thought it was just the lack of closure. But it's not. It's because after alluring you in with cosy safe tartan blankets and cocoa winged mugs it smites you mercilessly. It's because it subverts all the expectations it created in the first place. This is what is so destabilising. We've all read and watched lovely, moving, heart breaking love stories before. We've all lost it a bit over maddening cliffhangers. All the beautiful stories in our lives. But the ending of Good Omens season 2? It does change you as a person. The impact of changing the narrative so suddenly and forcefully. We were watching a comedy and now we are witnessing the unfolding of a tragedy. That's what did it, I think. That's why it stays with us and occupies a good part of our thoughts while we go about our daily activities. That's also what makes many of us want to write, draw, analyse and create. As obsessed as I was with other series and books before, it was only after Good Omens season 2 that I felt I needed to write about it and find a community where I could talk about and share my thoughts and read other people's thoughts. I know many of you are writers or artists but I also know many of us aren't and it's only thanks to Good Omens that we overcome our fears and self doubts and put our thoughts out there. Thanks to Neil Gaiman. Thanks to Neil Gaiman promising one thing and delivering another. Thanks to Neil Gaiman deceiving us. I can't wait to see how it all pans out and we do know everything will be OK. But in the meantime I'm so happy to have had my expectations taken and thrown in the bin.

#good omens #good omens season2 #Good omens 2 #subverting expectations #the beauty of stories

[bonefall]

Is Sandgorse still abusive in BB? If so does he still save Sparrow? Idk I think it'd be a neat thing for Talltail to brood on and move past once realizing the truth. Like just because your abuser did a "Good Thing tm" doesn't mean you have to forgive them or that all of a sudden it excuses their past a tion towards you.

Or did you remove this plot beat entirely? If so I don't blame you :P

Weird that Tumblr search isn't giving me all the stuff I tagged :/ hopefully after finals are done I can compile a 1st draft/The Story So Far for the rework of Tallstar’s Revenge

It's now called TALLSTAR’S COLLAPSE. It is actually a story I am rewriting with tragedy in mind. It's about Talltail fleeing WindClan with his starcrossed lover, Sparrow, only to eventually be drawn back to it where he becomes a perpetuator of all the things that made him leave.

To answer your question; Yes, and. Sandgorse is abusive and there's a LOT of nuance to this situation. I'm not sure if he still saves "Sparrow" though because I have waaaay more of a point in mind with Tallstar’s tumultuous relationship to him.

Summary of changes,

Tallstar's Collapse

Sparrow is the Clanmew name Jake takes when his group interacts with WindClan. His first language is actually a dialect of Townmew!

(Also Firestar has no known father in BB)

His group is nomadic. They go from place to place trading goods. I need a name for both them and their cultural "cluster" but in my head, Jake's family is the Algernauts because Algernon is the current leader

It's important the Algernauts are extremely endearing because leaving them is VERY painful

(and something i want to frame as the wrong choice for tallstar, emotionally)

WindClan is in a very sensitive period of its history. Before Tallstar was born, Heatherstar began the Mothermouth Moorland War, to take a very large parcel of land from ShadowClan. A good 1/5th of it.

Naturally this is a huge project and incredibly ambitious. Sacrifices Must Be Made

The sacrifice she has chosen to make is the death of tunneling. Because she's smothering it.

Tunneling is PEACEFUL, defensive at best. You can't dig them in a floodplain, they would be useless for holding the Mothermouth Moorland territory

Tallkit is born into a terrible position. Son of the head tunneler, mother in a terrible depression, and Heatherstar trying to pry a wedge between the "future" and the "past"

Im also planning to change his name. He was born Slowworm-Kit, which has a connotation of cleverness in Clanmew. To bully him, Shrewpaw calls him Wormtail, because Slowworms drop their tails if pulled. It means "you will get trapped in a cave-in, and when they pull your tail, it'll fall off"

But it doesn't translate well into English... so I'm not sure what his Heatherstar-given warrior name would be. Wormwing or Wormleap maybe, like he "defied fate" to become a wonderful moor-runner...

Or maybe the prefix is Drop? Droptail as the mean bully name and Dropflight as the warrior name...

Anyway, when he returns, Heatherstar welcomes back the extra claws and honors the lesson he learned with "Talltale." In Clanmew this is "Story-travelled," his leader name meaning "Tale-star."

Anyway. Back to the cat drama

Talltail (name pending) is in a tight spot. I kind of want to show everyone being a victim except Heatherstar herself, who has all the power in this situation.

Not that it excuses anyone

Sandgorse is watching something he loves dying, an ancient tradition passed down for generations. He is trying to force his son into a position he shouldn't HAVE to occupy, but his child is the one thing he might have any control over

(Until Tall breaks it ofc)

Tallpaw was just a kid. He needed to take out his bullying and the stress on something, and that was usually his mother and the concept of tunneling

Palebird has been completely neglected by her mate as he focuses on the person he WANTS his kid to be. She NAMED a Fading Kit, a serious social taboo, and even the support of the nursery and Woolytail can't pull her out before Tall's kithood is over

Heatherstar is using Tallpaw as a political pawn and Tallpaw is too young and hurt to realize it. He was given to her sister, Dawnstripe, and endlessly praised for his skill and talent in a time where he NEEDED positive feedback

Which is making his relationships with his parents worse

All the while, there's VIOLENCE. Regular raids and counterstrikes. Cats die and get injured, and it only escalates as Tall gets older and Cedarstar is reaching the end of his lives, hoping to end the conflict before then

And in all this chaos and uncertainty, there comes Sparrow.

Just a trader and an honored guest, there's been lots of these nomadic visitors since the time of Windstar herself, but they've become quite rare.

When Sandgorse dies suddenly in that collapse (TITLE DROP) Talltail has the push he finally needs. It's too much. He can't process this

Sparrow begs him to leave with them, they don't even need to confront anyone, just come!

IF IT SUCKS HIT DA BRICKS

I have tons of really nice little things planned for this part of the story. It's several chapters of Talltail being free.

He engages in the funeral rites of Wee Hen, asking if he may sit vigil for her. His new family is honored to allow it, Reena even tries to do it too and falls asleep

(Little sister energy)

They meet all sorts of people and go to many places. Talltail learns that the world is vast, and there's an endless amount of knowledge out here.

It all starts crashing down when him and Jake find a litter of abandoned kittens, and become parents.

They're a few moons old.. around the same age as his halfsibs back home.

It starts bringing back memories. He wonders how they're doing. If they made a nice grave for Sandgorse...

The sudden longing for his own mother strikes him like lightning.

For the first time in eons, he feels GUILT over leaving. He thought it was over-- he's living his own life now!

But what if they're hurt? What if there was a battle and he couldn't help? What if his mentor died and he didn't even know?

What kind of a horrible son doesn't even say goodbye?

The problems that made him leave seem so small now, and the homesickness is like acid leaking from his stomach, dissolving his guts and leaving him hollow

He's raising kits who will never know what it means to earn a title, or have a permanent home, or--

(Any of the other things he should have learned don't have meaning outside of clan culture. Things they wouldn't miss.)

He cherishes the memories he makes here, raising children with his mate, but something turns inside of Talltail. Like the groaning ache of a hundred stones on top of a decaying mineshaft

The REAL collapse is this. An existential crisis Talltail can't escape from.

And eventually, it comes tumbling down with one last, horrible nightmare.

In his dream, he came home only to find the sandy camp abandoned, the dens decrepit, full of musty scent and cobwebs.

Sandgorse was there. And they talked.

His dad was gruff as always, disappointed. But he didn't say anything the real Sandgorse would say.

The nightmare said, "You really did turn out like me. We both left your mother when she needed us. Turned our backs on our leader. And now we're both dead to WindClan."

Tall wakes up crying. Jake is there to comfort him, but the conversation they have is sad.

Jake tries to tell him that's all not true, and even if it WAS his dad, his dad sucked and would only say that to hurt him!

But... Tall can't believe it. Jake's right but also wrong. He IS all those horrible things.

And...... how can jake ever Understand? He does not know the Bonds of a Clan cat

(thought terminating cliche. Outsiders Cant Understand Our Bonds.)

He stays a few more days, but that nightmare was the end. And everyone sees the change.

The kits are apprentice-aged. He stayed until they would be old enough to keep up with the Algernauts.

And he says goodbye. He won't ever leave without saying goodbye ever again.

Jake says it doesn't have to be goodbye, he'll always love him, and they can visit! They can see each other again!

And Tall says yes. That this isn't the end. It's... see you later, my love.

(...but they both know how violent it's getting between Wind and Shadow. It isn't safe to visit.)

It is the end. But neither can admit it.

But after Tall is a fair distance away, one of his kits tackles him.

POSSIBLY Post-Tallstar's Collapse

Not sure if I'd put these in a novella or still make it part of it, but these are all directly related to the fallout of Tallstar's Collapse

Most likely is that there would be overlap between this and Brokenstar's Cataclysm, so the same events would be seen in different perspectives.

The kit's name is Fly. Tall has to wait for him to catch his breath and stop crying before they can talk.

Fly already lost parents before. He says he knows he can't make his dads stay together, "But PLEASE, papa, let me choose where I go this time!"

How could he say no? How could he send his son away after a plea like that?

He told him it would be hard. That he would be trained. That there would be dangerous fights.

Fly didn't care, he said he could be strong. He could do anything he needed to.

So... Tall took him to WindClan, where he became Flypaw. He became the warrior he promised he would be.

And Tall didn't notice how much the kid was changing until it was too late. Flytail took to it as if he was Clanborn-- but had to work twice as hard, fight thrice as viciously.

Though Talltail was graced with an Honor Title and open arms, he'd adopted his greatest rival.

Fly and Tall started competing for deputyship as soon as they finished training apprentices; Heatherstar had a fondness for the two of them.

In the end, Talltail won the spot by springing into action and saving Heatherstar's young nephew, a little golden tabby, from an adder.

Flytail continued as one of the more aggressive warriors in the Clan, surviving increasingly violent and bitter battles, until it came to a head in Heatherstar's Last Stand.

Her final battle as an old leader was a gruesome, definitive curbstomp in the last strategic point ShadowClan held above Carrionplace.

One of the losses was Lizardstripe-- neck snapped in Flytail's jaws.

Runningnose, and by extension, the oak-tree to his long-shadow, Brokentail, remembered this. Especially when Runningnose's father Mudfoot collapsed later that year.

As Talltail took leadership from the dying Heatherstar, a familiar regretful guilt wormed into his belly.

His son Flytail stood with a bloody mouth, eyes wet with sorrow, looking down at the leader Talltail once loved almost as much. Appreciating her sacrifice.

(secretly he didnt choose Deadfoot as his deputy just for his honor title or the battle move he invented... he chose him because there was a shocked, sorrowful look in his eyes at the fallen shadowclan cat. Sympathy seems more honorable in this moment.)

Tallstar is a wise leader... but his fatal flaw is naivety. How could he think he'd bring his son into WindClan, and not see the boy grow into a ferocious Warrior?

And naivety is what he displayed when he offered Raggedstar a peace deal. WindClan would keep the land, but they would pay a small tax of rabbits over the winter.

It was unprecedented. It was merciful. It was stupid.

When the winter was over, what would stop them from pushing further south?

Would they trade back the frogs and the flax, come summer?

On the blood and bones of so many warriors? As if giving up was ever an option?

Brokentail killed his father to prevent him from taking the deal, and reawakened Ripplestar's War Tactics.

BURN the peat. KILL the prey. OFFENSE is defense. A dead warrior is 10 less claws. A dead apprentice is 1 less warrior.

Stolen kittens are 1 more warrior on your own side.

Tallstar paid the ultimate price for letting Flytail follow him home that day. On the night of the massacre, Flytail went down fighting alongside a mate and a daughter. Dogpiled by Tangleburr and her squadron in revenge for Lizardstripe and Mudfoot.

Tallstar's granddaughter Stoneclaw, made a warrior and sitting for her vigil on that night, was the sole survivor of the little family.

The event stopped her from speaking again, like she's still sitting vigil.

Tallstar is a character who almost broke free of the control of the Clans. For a brief moment of his life, he was free.

He thought maybe he could change things a little, protect his Clanmates from the battles by being part of them, have the Mothermouth Moorland and protect the peace at the same time. But you CAN'T.

You can't fix broken systems without fundamentally changing them. He thought he could be a nice warlord and that would work on the Clan whose territory he had inherited. Power acts through people just as much as they act through power.

And that's Tallstar. He who travels the world, yet is never able to go far enough. Always falling just a little short of the point, believing that love and mercy is enough while blissfully ignorant of the pressures of pride and power.

Into this role, as a successor to this leader, Onestar is unwillingly thrust.

#BB!Tallstar #Better bones au #BB!Flytail #Tallstar's Collapse

[hiraya-rawr]

"in another life, i would've really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you"

synopsis !! all the opportunities he didn't take! forbidden love, status differences, different life goals, missed chances

characters !! zhongli, thoma

note !! please please read thoma's part I really like it for some reason- also everything everywhere all at once was amazing, i loved every second of it and it was just so beautiful! i also love all the cultural references aaaah

+ + +

Z H O N G L I

"Live a human life with me," You had once suggested to Rex Lapis, lounging on a floating island and watching the construction of what would eventually be known as Liyue Harbor.

He turns to you, confused look on his face, "A human life? Honestly, your ideas only develop in oddity over time."

You laugh, shrugging as the wind chimes along with you. Did Barbatos find it amusing as well?

"I'm being serious, Morax! The war is over, peace is settling, any issues can be handled by the humans and we can always guide them from a distance." You smile, "Live a human life with me. We can open a teahouse by the outskirts, we can visit the harbor on weekends, we can age ourselves and spend a human's lifetime together!"

He sighs, turning away, "I'll amuse you and visit you in my human form, but I have responsibilities I wish to take as their archon. You can play human without me."

"Aww, Morax-"

He rolls his eyes, amused, "Human lives are so fickle and short. Should you ever get tired of living their ways, you're welcome to join me in the skies again."

"Hmp. You might just regret not trying with me." You tease, and you—

Were right. He did regret it, because there was no time left for him to try with you. You were gone, eroded like the old immortals, withered in a grave like a human. The immortality of gods like you and him was never physical after all, and your body decayed too soon.

"So, finally decided to join the bandwagon, huh?" Venti grins at the geo archon, sipping from his drink of what's presumably wine. The teahouse is half full, a known heritage site for anyone who knows the history of good Liyuen tea.

"It's an interesting idea." Zhongli simply replies.

"And how are you finding the human life, my dear friend?"

"Strangely. . . I had expected it to be a sociable endeavor," He smiles, strained, "but it could also feel quite lonely."

T H O M A

Doing laundry and taxes with Thoma was impossible in the first place. Not when you were destined to marry someone of the same status; a political engagement which tied you down since the day you turned of age.

For you, this was an unbearable tragedy. The denial of being with someone you love.

For Thoma, this was as simple as nature's course. Of course you would marry a noble! He's simply a commoner, a mere house worker with the favor of his boss. It wouldn't make sense for you to marry him.

And perhaps that's why it infuriated you; how dare he think so little of himself?

"I just don't understand why you're not mad about this! I'm about to be married and you— you won't say anything about that?" You once yelled, frustration built to its peak at his nonchalance.

"(Name)," Thoma says softly, concerned.

"No, don't you start!" You cut off swiftly, "You'll only talk about how you're a commoner and I'm a noble and I'm sick of that! I'm sick of all of it!"

"I just don't know what you want me to say–"

"Say you love me! Ask me to run away!" The words are desperate on your tongue. "Archons, Thoma, I wish you could be more selfish. I'd give it all up for you." You sob, collapsing onto the wooden floor as your legs give out. He immediately kneels in front of you, ready to embrace.

In quiet whispers, he cups your face, brushing tears away with his thumb, "You know I can't ask that of you."

You sniffle, "I know, I know." and "I just wanted you to try."

#genshin #genshin impact #zhongli #zhongli x reader #thoma #thoma x reader #genshin angst #genshin x reader #genshin zhongli #genshin thoma #zhongli angst #thoma angst #genshin fanfic #genshin angst/comfort

[waspredteeth]

I see a lot of confusion on why calling Damian Wayne "feral" is racist/problematic, so here's a rundown.

There's a difference between calling your child or your younger sibling "feral" and calling a character like Damian "feral." You know your child/sibling/niece/nephew etc. They're real people, and unless they have a problem with it personally, then there's nothing wrong with calling them feral as a joke. It doesn't (shouldn't) affect their perceptions by other people. It doesn't become a label that follows them.

Damian al Ghul-Wayne is a fictional character. A canonically mixed Arab/Chinese/Jewish White character with a history connected to some of the most prominent Arab comic book characters, who themselves also get insanely mischaracterized.

He's constantly whitewashed. He's been written with racist undertones (the suicide bomber vest). He's had his character development and progress backtracked time and time again by DC. DC treats him weirdly most days and completely shitty in the worst stories.

A good majority of fanon hasn't done any better than DC. You cannot pat yourselves on the back for being more inclusive or mental health aware than DC when you call a mixed Arab/Chinese boy "feral". It's constant. You can come up with various titles and nuances for every Bat-character, for every Robin.

Tim can be smart, a skater, a genius, the one holding everyone together, the little brother, the one who needs love. Jason can be cool, morally "right" or "wrong", unstable, PTSD-stricken, the one who was betrayed, the one with Shakespearean tragedies. Dick can be fun, happy, the first one, the prodigal son, the one with complicated history and the big brother.

You give them room for exploration. Love and care and attention and research. Many headcanons. You either comply with canon or you don't, but there's substance to their character.

What does Damian get? He's feral. He's rabid. He's a gremlin. He can't be reasoned with. He has no self-control, he's impulsive. He's hurt others, and you can't forgive it. Sometimes he's homophobic. Or classist. Or plain mean and rude to your favorite boy. He's always carrying a sword. A psychopath with no regard for another's well-being (usually Tim in a lot of fics). He can't be taught what's right.

I've seen people cry that Damian needs to punished or kicked out or treated the same way he's treated others. He needs to be brutalized or talked down to. He can never grow as a person, because he's mean to Tim or Jason, and you need him to exist as the abuser. His first move is always violent.

Fanon compares him to an animal often; he bites, claws, hisses, growls. Bruce or Dick or Jason or Tim have to wrangle him, tame him, civilize him the white man's way in lieu of his brown mother and grandfather who "clearly" raised him wrong. You don't see the issue with that? The issue with always labeling one of the few major brown characters in Batman comics as the unreasonable animal? That the child of color is always the abuser, the instigator, to older characters?

And even if you don't see him this way, you don't write him this way - then are you giving him the care and attention you give for other Bat characters?

Do you know anything else about him other than his "anger"? Because he isn't always angry. In fact, he's typically well-mannered. Quiet even, when he's not being provoked. DC's writing will always vary but whenever Damian lashes out, he's usually written with a reason to act the way he does.

Are you making him intelligent like he should be? A hard believer in redemption? A neglected and abused child who isn't meek or crying or closes himself within? Are you willing to explore that he's always exhibited the "wrong" kind of trauma responses - lashing out, being snippy, ruining relationships, refusing to admit weakness?

Do you write anything about him without making his mother and grandfather comically abusive and violent? Will you give him the supporting cast/friends he actually has? Can you write his dad/siblings interacting with him without making them white saviors or therapy pets? Can you write him without a ship or his love for animals or being vegetarian overshadowing everything?

Is he a character to you at all other than a glorified plot device with a sharp tongue and the convenience of being violent?

#damian wayne #dc #robin #damian wayne meta #dc meta #fandom needs to start interrogating their choices around non-white characters in general but especially when it comes to Batman comics #you may not intend to be racist or ableist or misinformed #but what you put out into the world is going to be seen by everyone #and you should very much reconsider doing things like calling Damian feral and implying he has zero self-control or civilization #or implying Duke is uneducated by hc'ing him with terrible handwriting or making him the “sane” one bc you haven't read any comics w him #or shoving Cassandra into a corner as a perfect unvocal specimen or making her a sentient therapy animal for your favorite white boy #or sexualizing Dick in obscene amounts and making him a “slut” when its against his entire character #its day in day out in this fandom when it comes to snubbing and being utterly wrong about characters of color #fandom critical #a painted bird called tamer #batman #batman meta #tim drake #jason todd #dick grayson #cassandra cain #batfamily

[teeth--thief]

Google Drive full of book PDFs about Chernobyl

Link to the Google Drive if you don't want to click the title: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1kscKFciW6almJA8p-0sUQPO3c0A4AQYe

Note: It will be updated regularly - for as long as I'll be able to find/get new things =) So far I've compiled 41 books in three languages.

Just to repeat what I said in the first post: I'm open to any requests or suggestions or even PDFs themselves, if someone wants to share theirs from their collection. Message me, send me an ask, throw a rock through my window - whatever you prefer, just please, do it yourself because I'm too scared to message anyone, thanks. No fiction - that's the only rule. Any language is welcome - if you want me to look for a certain book in the language of your choice, I'll do that. If you have a book in language other than English, I'd love to add it to the Drive! If you have a better version of whatever PDF I've already got, then I'd be more than happy to do a swap.

Now, some of my reasoning, if anyone's interested: first of all, I think it's important for everyone to be able to access stuff like this. Think of it as a library, minus the "give these back" part. Secondly, I get soooo mad when people are like haha, found this super rare, basically impossible to find, very expensive book! ...I shall now keep it exclusively to myself. Ma'am, you're ruining the vibe and stalling everyone's hobby research but I guess you do you...

List of all the books (under the cut):

In English:

Voices from Chernobyl - Alexievich S.

Chernobyl Reactor Accident - Source Term

Chernobyl - Insight from the Inside - Dr. Chernousenko V.M.

How It Was - Dyatlov A.S.

(ENG+RUS) Chernobyl Booklet

Chernobyl: The Devastation, Destruction and Consequences of the World’s Worst Radiation Accident - Fitzgerald I.

Final Warning. The Legacy of Chernobyl - Gale R.P.

Midnight in Chernobyl: The Untold Story of the World’s Greatest Nuclear Disaster - Higginbotham A.

INSAG-1

INSAG-7

Interesting Chernobyl - 100 Symbols

From Chernobyl To Fukushima - Karpan N.

Manual for Survival. A Chernobyl Guide to the Future - Kate Brown

Chernobyl. Confessions of a Reporter - Kostin I.

The Politics of Invisibility. Public Knowledge about Radiation Health Effects after Chernobyl - Kuchinskaya O.

Memories - Kupnyi A.

Chernobyl 01:23:40 - The Incredible True Story of the World’s Worst Nuclear Disaster - Leatherbarrow A.

Chernobyl Notebook - Medvedev G.

No Breathing Room - Medvedev G.

Chernobyl Record - The Definitive History of the Chernobyl Catastrophe - Mould R. F.

Wormwood Forest - A Natural History of Chernobyl - Mycio M.

Life Exposed: Biological Citizens After Chernobyl - Petryna A.

Chernobyl: History of a Tragedy - Plokhy S.

Ablaze - Story of Chernobyl - Read P.P.

Producing Power: The Pre-Chernobyl History of the Soviet Nuclear Industry - Schmid S. D.

Chernobyl: A Documentary Story - Shcherbak I.

The Vienna Report

Chernobyl - Crime Without Punishment - Yaroshinskaya A.A.

In Russian:

Chernobyl: Kak eto bylo. Preduprezhdeni - Kopchinsky, Steinberg

Chernobyl. Tak eto bylo. Vzglyad Iznutri - Voznyak Ya. Troitskiy N.

Лучевая болезнь человека (очерки) - Гуськова А.К., Байсоголов Г.Д.

Чернобыль. Как это было - Дятлов А.С.

Чернобыль: 30 лет спустя - Кравчук Н.В.

Живы - Купный А.

Чернобыль - Щербак Ю.

(ONLY Pages 367-383) Чернобыль, 10 лет спустя. Неизбежность или случайность?

KGB files - pre and post accident (includes additional information in Ukrainian)

In Polish: 

Jak to było - Diatłov A.S.

Czarnobyl - Plokhy S.

Czarnobyl - Sekuła P.

Katastrofa w Czarnobylu - Sekuła P.

Czarnobyl. Od katastrofy do procesu - Siwiński W.

#chernobyl #26th april 1986 #nuclear power plant #chornobyl #nuclear disaster #chernobyl hbo #you wouldn't download a car #file: special interest: chernobyl #Чернобыль #pripyat #rbmk 1000 #radiation #free resources #free books

[ariestarfairy]

Did Mystra Groom Gale?

My answer to that is, it's complicated, or perhaps not in the conventional way that people tend to think grooming happens. When I see posts about Gale being groomed it's accompanied by the assertion that Mystra found Gale when he was a child and was his mentor first. From a timeline perspective this doesn't make sense, we would have to throw out so much lore. Mystra was murdered by Cyric in 1385 initiating the Spellplague, she didn't come back until the events of the Sundering, so around 1479. Baldur's Gate 3 takes place in 1492. The earliest she could have met Gale would have been 1479/1480 which gives us a time frame of their relationship possibly being around 11-12 years. If we conclude that Gale is ~30 years old then the youngest Gale could have been is 17. If we conclude that Gale is ~35 years old then the youngest Gale could have been is 22. This lines up with Gale referring to himself as a very young man, not a child, when the events of their relationship took place. Also Gale makes another comment that suggests that he likely wasn't a child during his relationship with Mystra. If you romance Gale, he remarks that he had lovers before Mystra, but not after. If we assume that Gale met Mystra as a child then Gale would have to be much younger than we think he is. Now onto the subject of Mystra and Gale's relationship, adult grooming is a thing and the power imbalance is very real. A teacher getting into a relationship with a student is also problematic in any relationship where there is a teacher and student dynamic. Mystra has a history of changing and removing abilities from her servants and chosen, often times without their consent. This clearly illustrates an exploitative relationship. Also Gale, in all of his naivety of youth, perceived his relationship with Mystra way differently than Mystra did. Mystra has many chosen and most of them do not know one another. He thought she loved him, but he was amusement for her for a time until he messed up and she denounced him. Not only that but in order to maybe, possibly, earn her "forgiveness" Gale has to kill himself and even then forgiveness isn't assured. That's a steep price to pay. If you think Mystra is a good soul and Gale is a horrible person who stomped all over her boundaries, then you you need to learn more about Mystra's gross meddling with mortals. She is by no means innocent and has not only stomped on boundaries, she has done things that cross way over into non-consensual. The Gods are gross, Mystra is not an exception because she's a Goddess and presents as a woman, she's not vulnerable nor is she helpless. She is in the position to exploit and demand and she does it frequently. What also really gets me is how Gale gets labeled as being manipulative and abusive and Astarion is a beacon of perfection. He's not, he targets your character just to manipulate them, and that is his MO for a huge chunk of the game. His tragedy and changing over the course of the game doesn't reverse that, but it's somehow overlooked? Of course you have to view a person in terms of a snapshot. Looking at Gale based on a snapshot within his relationship with Mystra does not make him toxic and it does not mean that he was the abuser. Of course because Astarion was abused by a man, it's a different story, but Gale is a male character stepping on a woman's (Goddess) boundary, so he's necessarily toxic. It doesn't occur to people who play BG3, who have very little knowledge when it comes to the Gods in Faerun that Mystra is truly toxic and that a man can be abused and manipulated by a woman (Goddess) . Don't misunderstand, I love Astarion just as much as I love Gale, but I think it's a double standard to vilify Gale (who WAS mistreated by Mystra) and lionize Astarion while ignoring his machinations towards you in the beginning. Astarion is a classic case of hurt people hurt people, it explains his behavior but it shouldn't be ignored in criticisms of other characters. He's not perfect, if he were he would be boring and not nearly as interesting.

#gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios #bg3 gale #baldurs gate gale #grooming? #astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion bg3 #baldurs gate 3

[delicatenerdbluebird]

My Random Takes on The Secret History (contains spoilers)

The biggest tragedy that comes with being Richard Papen coded is you need a group like Julian's Greek class to feel normal about yourself because the rest of the world makes you feel like a misfit.

That Richard and Camilla scene where she reveals being physically abused by Charles... I feel that scene is a strong criticism of abusive households. Like Richard was used to seeing his mother getting beaten by his father and sometimes he was also a victim of his violence. And in 'that' scene, he fantasizes about doing the same to Camilla and worse. This shows it's a never-ending cycle no matter how you see it. The kids are gonna end up developing fucked up fantasies if their exposure to fucked up things is constant.

I strongly believe Henry was gonna make Richard the scapegoat had something gone sideways. And honestly, it makes perfect sense. Richard insisted on joining their class. He was an outsider. Henry could have easily made up something like Richard was envious of their group, he was jealous of his and Bunny's closeness and so he ended up killing him, something along those lines that Richard wanted to be accepted and we would not accept him instantly, naturally because of our prior history. Knowing how Henry was good with words, he could have made Richard an obsessive, disturbed freak to the FBI for all we know. Remember how Henry saved him from getting frozen to death? This incident can be perfectly used to portray him as a mentally disturbed person who would rather freeze to death than go back to his home to a normal eye.

Now Julian. Oh, Julian I knew was the red flag the moment it was mentioned he does not accept students who have different ideas than his. But to think that fucker would turn out to be the biggest crankiest bitch?!! I mean I am soo mad he was the one who fed those Dionysiac ideas to them and in the end, he just ran away?! I was baffled by how he treated Henry during that confession scene he did not even listen to him completely... Henry does not stutter HE WAS STUTTERING and Julian shoved the letter back to him... I mean the disrespect! This scene (for me at least) was a reality check that no matter how loving, cool, caring, and impactful you might think your teacher is, at the end of the day, they are gonna be a teacher and you are gonna be just a student. It destroyed my heart when Henry said he loved Julian more than his own father 😭 The worst thing you can do is take advantage of the vulnerabilities of someone who not only respects you but also loves you dearly. This mf can move mountains and I would still hate his old rat ass!

Charles and Camilla Idek what to make of them. Charles turned from a pitiable character to an entirely disgusting one for me. I accept Francis' theory that he wouldn't have made that much fuss about his interrogating situation if Camilla and Henry weren't a thing. Remember when Camilla and Henry had some secret code and he got mad why he didn't know about it? I do think camilla and henry were always a thing before it became apparent to everyone. Besides the book is from Richard's perspective, and he does seem oblivious at times.

I am not aware of the popular takes in the fandom so I don't know if this is gonna be a hot take or not but Camilla gave pick-me-girl vibes. She did not have any girl friends and looked down upon Judy (I am not asking them to be besties exactly but a little respect won't have killed) Judy only developed a weird impression about them during that party scene when Camilla dropped her drink onto her and did not apologize (or was it the opposite? i dont remember exactly but the point is Judy is not the type to judge others for no reason...she judged them after that party) Camilla's attitude could be attributed to the fact that Charles was controlling but idk

The Secret History reminded me of The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot (some of the verses below):

We are the hollow men

    We are the stuffed men

    Leaning together

    Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

    Our dried voices, when

    We whisper together

    Are quiet and meaningless

    As wind in dry grass

    Or rats' feet over broken glass

    In our dry cellar

   

    Shape without form, shade without colour,

    Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

So basically I am yapping here because my friend hasn't finished tsh yet and I just needed to let it all out 😩

Not to mention I absolutely love my expensive gossip boy Francis 🥺 ☕

(Thank u for reading it this far!!)

#the secret history #poetry #francis abernathy #henry winter #camilla and charles #bunny corcoran #richard papen #Julian #donna tartt #dark acadamia aesthetic #dark academia #dead poets society #dark aesthetic #academic validation #judy poovey #Marion #hampden

[ghenry]

Rewatched the Avatar TLA series with my partner recently, and fell in love with the world and characters all over again. I especially love the journey Zuko goes through the show as a character.

Zuko, son of Fire Lord Ozai. He seems pretty by-the-books at first as this angry villain, but something that makes him immediately unique for this kind of setting is his young age. He's barely older than Aang, our child protagonist.

"You're just a child." "Well, you're just a teenager!"

Although early on you start getting the idea that there's more nuance to him than this villain trying to incapacitate our protag, he shows some depth in his character here and there, usually through his uncle Iroh, a wise warrior that's there to aid and comfort his nephew, joining his banished trip on his own accord. While he's on the villain's side, it's worth noting he never hurts or intimidates innocent people, only ever fighting those already attacking or threatening him.

Even so, Zuko made it blatantly clear what his intents were. "I must capture the avatar to regain my honor." And he barely changed his mind about this throughout the entire first season, even when the two helped each-other out of hopeless circumstances, hinting that they're not meant to be sworn enemies.

"If we knew each-other back then, do you think we could've been friends too?"

Knowing the show and how it transpires across all 3 seasons, it's interesting seeing the intent the writers and showrunners had for these characters, and their hidden depth, all the way back in this first season. One of the finest examples would be Iroh sharing Zuko's history with fellow soldiers. A history which helps said soldiers --and in turn, the audience-- empathize with him.

Behind Zuko's scarred face is a story about a boy already feeling lost and unsure of himself, stumbling into a tragedy where his father --in sheer arrogance-- abused his son to a high degree in front of all his subordinates, in a heinous act he would call punishment.

Ever since then, he was banished to travel across the world to search for the avatar, a task his father felt was worthless, but was the same as leaving him out to die. This isn't the origin of a villain, but a downtrodden individual who couldn't find his place in life.

What Zuko called "honor" over and over again wasn't that, but his father's love. He already lost his mother, and instead yearned for his father's approval and affection. This culminated to his ultimate betrayal, siding with his sister and turning his back on his uncle, which lead to his imprisonment. During a crossroad and moment of insecurity, he threw his uncle Iroh to the wolves because he thought he would regain his honor and earn his right to be a part of his family once again.

Zuko would be welcomed back into his family, he retrieved what he thought was his honor --and what he thought was genuine love from his father.

"You have redeemed yourself, my son."

But even then, he still felt lost, alone, and without a sense of direction. Nothing changed, his soul still felt incomplete.

"For so long, I thought that if my dad accepted me, I'd be happy. My dad talks to me, he even thinks I'm a hero! Everything should be perfect, right? I should be happy now, but I'm not! I'm angrier than ever, and I don't know why!"

It took him a long time (about 2 and a half seasons) to realize he didn't need this sense of "honor" and what he was chasing was just a farce. His father only showed Zuko "love" when he seemed useful, an asset that was helping his fascist conquering of multiple nations by killing the Avatar.

All of this drew to an enthralling, terrifying, heart-wrenching moment between him and his father during the day of the eclipse. He used the minutes they could not fire bend as an opportunity to let out the truth and his own epiphany. He admitted that he never killed Aang --didn't even try, for that matter-- and that he's going to help him defeat his father's regime. Ozai immediately despised Zuko for this, proving his 'love' was conditional and hollow. And at that moment, as soon as the eclipse ceased, he attempted to kill his own son right then and there in a moment that never fails to draw tears out of me as soon as it happens.

Zuko survived his father's lethal attack, only by sheer will, and a lighting-redirection technique his uncle happened to teach him a while back, emphasizing how important Iroh is to him. Iroh is the father figure that truly loved Zuko unconditionally. Ozai, his biological father, could only grant him death. His uncle Iroh, at that moment, inadvertently granted him life.

And Zuko's story (mostly) ends in the middle of the 4-part finale. With the help of his friends, he tracked down Iroh who escaped from prison. The moment he sees his uncle, he breaks down as he's horribly ashamed of his actions, expecting Iroh to shun him as he feels he does not deserve his uncle's love after what he did to him.

"I was never angry with you . . . I was sad, because I was afraid you lost your way."

But Iroh doesn't hesitate to embrace him. Like I said, his love is unconditional. He knew Zuko wasn't evil, he was only being manipulated by the likes of his father and sister. He knew Zuko would find the right path, restore his own honor, and come back to him. It's such a beautiful moment and the soul-piercing conclusion to Zuko's story, a story they were building up since the literal first episode.

Of course, there's also Azula, his sister. She was considered a prodigy with her amazing fire bending abilities, mastering the skill of bending lightning, something only her father and uncle were able to do before her.

She was a spitting image of her father; fierce, manipulative, wrathful, the only thing she shared with her brother Zuko was their sense of determination. But we don't learn what really drives Azula until the finale. It's similar to Zuko. He felt incomplete without his father's love. While this was implied before the finale, Azula felt she was missing her mother's love.

While I think the argument could be made that this was just her own projection, it's important that this shows how --despite her more respected place in their family and nation-- she was just as broken and spiritually lost as Zuko. While Ozai showered his daughter with praise for all of her life, Azula felt her mother didn't love her, which ate away at her, deep inside. Much like Zuko, who felt he was fighting to earn his father's love.

Azula, to me, represents Zuko's future if he let his father manipulate him, just like Azula did to him. Would he have become this tyrannical fire lord if he just listened to his father, abandoned his inhibitions, and ensured his nation's regime? Maybe. But like Azula's interrupted crowning, it would have been shallow, lonely, and without any real sense of self-worth. Nothing to show for it but a broken mind.

Instead, Zuko became the fire lord on his own terms, and with the entire world in support of him, as he helped this quest for peace and balance across the nations. He earned his place in life through his own will, his own actions, and his amazing uncle who only wanted the best for him. He restored his honor himself, with lifelong friends by his side.

That's it, that's all I wanted to write about. This show rules.

#avatar the last airbender #atla #zuko #prince zuko #azula #uncle iroh #fire lord zuko

[bi-bard]

Impressive - Nikolai Lantsov Imagine [Shadow & Bone]

Title: Impressive

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov X Reader

Word Count: 1,760 words

Warning(s): canon-typical violence

Summary: The four times Nikolai was desperate to impress (Y/n). And the one time that they could admit that he succeeded.

Author's Note: Kinda hate how much he grew on me so quickly.

---------------------

Number One:

I knew that one day I would have to cross the Fold again.

That did nothing to change how much I dreaded it. I was terrified of being stuck or killed. I could put on a brave enough face, but all I could think about when I thought of the Fold was all of the tragedy that accompanied it. The pain and death and misery. Not just my own, but the world around it.

That was enough to scare me to my core.

And then, Nikolai let us in on his method of getting across the fold.

Well, he didn't tell us anything. He showed us.

I watched as the ship shifted into a different machine that then separated from the rest of the ship. The sound of engines starting was accompanied by shaking and very little explanation.

"Oh, saints!" I wrapped an arm around the main pillar in the hopes of keeping myself steady. I looked over. I could see us moving upward. "Flying? Are you serious?"

"You sound impressed," Nikolai replied, lifting his arm so he could rest his elbow against the pillar next to me.

I glared at him for a moment. "Terrified."

"Oh, don't be," he waved off my worries. "We've made many improvements since the ones that crashed."

"Thank you," I said sarcastically. "The history of you crashing to the ground is unbelievably comforting."

He held his hand out to me. "Come here."

"I'm comfortable here-"

"(Y/n)," he pushed.

I took a deep breath and relented, placing my hand in his.

He pulled me over to the railing. He moved to grab my upper arms, holding me in place so I could look out at the view.

"What do you think," he asked.

"That I may vomit over the edge," I muttered.

"Lovely," he mumbled back before walking away. "Just don't lean too far over. I would hate for you to fall."

I looked at the distance below us before quickly stumbling away from the edge.

I heard a laugh behind me, causing me to glare at Nikolai again. He just smirked at me.

This time together was going to be far too long.

Number Two:

Finding out the truth about Nikolai and his family was a harsh shift for Alina, Mal, and myself.

I didn't get to confront him at first. Alina took that responsibility into her own hands by punching him.

With all of the people and information, I didn't get the chance to say anything until we were riding toward the Spinning Wheel.

"Were you ever going to tell us the truth," I asked as Nikolai moved to ride alongside me. "Or did you hope that it would never be a relevant conversation?"

He chuckled. "I will admit that I hadn't quite planned how I was going to tell you the truth."

I nodded.

"It was all in the hopes of doing good for the people I loved."

"Why would telling the three of us make any difference?"

"Would you have ever trusted me if I told you who my family was?"

"Do you honestly believe that I am inclined to trust you now?"

He paused. We each looked at each other for a few spare moments before I turned my attention back to the path before us.

"I will earn your trust," he said after a while.

"I will be very impressed if you manage that," I replied.

"Even more motivation to do so."

I turned to him again, but he had already started to look straight ahead with a smirk sitting on his lips.

I couldn't tell if I was irritated by his confidence or if I respected it.

Number Three:

Staying at the Spinning Wheel was an interesting experience.

There was no question of the tension in the air. After what the Darkling had done, the royal family and their soldiers weren't exactly supportive of Grisha's being among them.

Nikolai seemed insistent on making peace. Ever the diplomat.

Hence his proposal to Alina.

A move that admittedly caught me off-guard, but I had no comment about it. It wasn't my place to say anything about it.

I was standing off to the side of the feast, taking the time to allow my head to clear from all of the noise.

"I hope you aren't being scared away."

I looked over to see Nikolai walking over to me with a proud grin on his face.

"Not at all," I replied. "Basking in the pride of uniting two feuding people?"

"Oh, we both know Alina will have much more power in that endeavor," he looked down at his drink for a moment. "How are you? How is your stay treating you?"

"I am quite content," I explained. "May I ask why you were wondering? Surely, my comfort isn't at the top of your list of priorities."

"Why would you say that?"

"Well, if I'm not mistaken... shouldn't you be more focused on your engagement," I asked, looking over at Alina.

He chuckled. "I would, but I find you far more interesting."

I looked back at him in shock. I couldn't find a word to say in response to that. I just froze for a moment. No sarcastic remark or insult could find its way to my lips.

"Careful," he mumbled. "You'll catch flies with your mouth hanging open like that."

I quickly closed my mouth and looked away from him.

"Quite impressed that I have the ability to render you speechless."

"Have a good night, Nikolai."

"You too, (Y/n)."

I had never been so embarrassed at how someone saying my name made me feel.

The prince was beginning to feel like a distraction.

Number Four:

I had no real reason for staying with Nikolai when the others went into the Fold.

I had merely held onto the belief that they didn't need me as much as he and his men did.

I was right, but that didn't mean that I had any power that could stand against the shadow monsters that the Darkling had created.

It felt senseless. Over half a dozen fighting one monster and making no progress.

I would have called it hopeless if the creature had pinned Nikolai to one of the pillars. After that, all I could feel was anger. Anger and fear.

Once the monster faded, all I could do was get to him as fast as I could. I had never been susceptible to such tunnel vision, but with Nikolai, it was different.

"Nikolai!"

I helped hold him up, so he was leaning up against the pillar. He was panting, his eyes wide. I had never seen such clear panic written on one person's face.

I grabbed the sides of his face so he would look at me. It took him a moment to recognize me, but when he did, his hands reached up and touched mine, holding them in place.

"Saints, you're alive," I muttered, feeling tears building in my eyes. I leaned my forehead on his, not putting any thought into the action. "You're alive!"

"You sound impressed," he mumbled back, smirking at me.

"You want to make jokes now," I asked, leaning away from him.

He simply shrugged, hissing at the pain in his shoulder.

"Come on," I said. "We need to go find the others."

He nodded, allowing me to help him off the ground.

I caught Tamar giving me a knowing look as I did so. I ignored it.

I had much more important things to worry about than whatever was between Nikolai and me.

And the Time He Succeeded:

I grinned at myself in the mirror.

It had been ages since I had found confidence in my own reflection, but if there were a day to find it, then Nikolai's coronation day was not the worst.

I had been so focused on admiring myself that I barely heard the knock at the door. I called for the guest to come in before my brain had truly recognized the sound.

I turned around the footsteps cut through the silence of the room. Nikolai stood before me. He was dressed for his day. I smiled at him.

"Wow," he mumbled, a smile stretching across his face.

"What," I asked. I chuckled a bit. "Impressed?"

"I'm always impressed by you," he replied. I tilted my head a bit, my eyebrows furrowing for a moment. "Why do you think I spent so long hoping to be in your good graces?"

"I assumed it was a way to hold up your ego-"

"It was because from the moment that I saw you, I knew there was something different about you," he cut me off as he explained, stepping closer to me. "You caught my attention so easily that it was almost unfair. I had no choice but to get you to see me as I saw you."

When he stopped moving, I felt as though my heart were in my throat. He was so close. Too close. It would have been so easy to lean forward and close the pointless distance that separated us.

But I didn't.

Instead, I asked a question, "And how do you see me?"

"Brilliant," he immediately said. His voice was soft. It sounded distracted as if he hadn't meant to say it out loud. "And brave. And strong. And... lovely. And protective. And gentle, even though you don't let that show very often."

I would have chuckled at the final comment if I hadn't been so stunned.

I had been called brave before. I had been called strong before. I had never had someone associate my name with the words lovely or gentle or brilliant. Maybe I had simply never captured someone's attention for long enough for them to find those words.

"I could use a million words to describe you and I would never feel as if I had said enough," he whispered. His hand came up to cup the side of my face.

"Nikolai," I mumbled.

He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine before I could think of what I was going to say beyond his name.

I slowly kissed him back, suddenly becoming aware of just how little experience I had when it came to matters like this. I tried to ignore that nervous feeling in my stomach.

He made it much easier. As he leaned closer and held me just where I was, I found myself with little else to think of beyond him. No fears or simple worries could pull me away from this moment.

Yes, I was definitely impressed.

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