#my brother was diagnosed when he was 2. he’s faced a lot of bullying from both kids and adults and it sucks and he didn’t deserve it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bioodorange · 4 years

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|| Jeff The Killer Headcanons Part 2 ||

Since my first one blew up, here's more!

Jeff's allergic to cats but he loves them anyway

He's around 6'1 in height

Broad shoulders and fairly built from running and relying on brute force for his attacks

His knife is the same one he's had forever, it was a gift from his father when he was 10

This was before his family moved to Harrisburg, and then Delran where most of his story takes place

Jeff is originally from Philadelphia

He's birthday is June 2, 1998

Spends 20 minutes a day, crouching over and aggressively tying his shoe laces whenever they come undone

Most of the smaller gashes on his face are from trying to recut his smile

He's not a fan of them and will often make the gash wider or more odd shapes to cover it

This is why he's has odd scarring patterns on his face, well besides the burns

Jeff is left handed

Unlike the rest of his family Jeff isn't very religious

He claims to be an atheist but in stressful or tense situations he'll find himself praying things will be alright

He still wears a rosery around his neck

Jeff doesn't like the feeling of tight things on his neck , it reminds him of when Liu choked him

Both him and his brother have Mommy issues

They're father was constantly out and hopping around with work but did try his darndest to be there for his kids

When he learned Jeff didn't like hunting, which is why he bought him the knife, he took him to a few wood shop classes

Occasionally Jeff will carve a small wooden figure from a spare chunk of wood and leave it in the woods

He also does this when he kills the parents of a child- he won't kill an adolescent unless he has to

One time Jeff walked with a little boy and his dog to the police station after seeing bruises on his back and the boys heavily intoxicated father

He was a strong sense of empathy for those who are reseliant

Jeff really struggled with bullying in school

The only time he wasn't the the three years they were in Harrisburg

Jeff's best friend was a blonde boy in his class named Lucah- he was also his first real crush

During this time Jeff struggled with internalised homophobia considering his parents swore it was the devil's work

His younger brother actually helped him through this, when they were closer

Jeff often had bruises and scuffed up clothes from running around, spending most of his time outside

He will go outside in sweatpants and barefeet with snow on the ground but insists on wearing slides if it's over 70° and there's pavement of ant sort

Despite seeming a bit homophobic from his own confusion Jeff will kill a bitch because trans rights

He was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade, he's low functioning

Jeff struggles with math but was a big fan of social studies

He was a history buff and especially liked studying the history of England and France

Low-key had a crush on Marie Antoinette

Jeff is not a fan of flying but would take a boat around the world

He used to play with Liu in the woods at an abandoned house

After he was released from the hospital he went there by himself

Smile dog was a stray at the time who lingered around the area

The two became fast friends and spent a lot of time together

After killing everyone and starting a second fire Jeff ran away and Smile followed

At one point he and Jane were friends and he introduced her to him

If Jeff had never burned her alive the two would have been close friends for most of their lives

After being killed by Jane and watching everyone from his old life

He wishes he could take it all back

Even if it meant dieing that day at the party

#jeffery hodek #jeff the killer headcanons #jeffery woods #jeff the killer #jeff woods #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta head canons #creepypasta imagines #creepypasta #slender verse #slenderverse headcanons #slenderverse imagines #slenderverse

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luminarii · 3 years

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I need fellow Autistics opinion on something, if you're willing to share your thoughts about it.

I have a younger brother (24 years old) who just got diagnosed with Autism. I myself got diagnosed with Autism when I was 22 years old (I'm now 28), and I have another younger brother (27) who got the diagnosis when he was 18. We have two other siblings, but they're neurotypical.

My 24 year old brother's name starts with an 'N', and my 27 year old brother's name starts with an 'S', so I'll call them that for short. Me and S both have many of the "stereotypical" Autism traits, and while S has been showing his Autism since his infancy, I didn't show any signs of Autism until I was about 5 or 6 years old. But now that we're "adults", we both need to live in assisted homes for Autistic adults.

Now, I told you N had recently gotten his own Autism diagnosis as well, but he doesn't show ANY signs of Autism at ALL, and never has. Me, S and our mother (neurotypical) all agree that while he has some difficulties, he is very non-Autistic in many ways. I can give you a list of his difficulties/advantages/past diagnoses: !!!WARNING!!!: SOME OF THIS INFORMATION CAN BE TRIGGERING AND VERY VIOLENT FOR SOME READERS. THOSE POINTS WILL BE MARKED WITH A (!TW!) SIGN.

- He has always been excellent at making friends as, atleast when he was a kid and teenager, was talkative, adventurous, confident, and knows how to read people's face/body/emotions. The last one is still true today. - He still has the majority of his childhood friends to this day. - He was never teased, bullied or otherwise wronged in school as a kid, and was actually one of the more popular kids as he was pretty 'normal'. ('normal' as in he very rarely did anything 'peculiar' or 'weird' that others didn't understand) - As he is the youngest of 5 children, he was the most spoiled of me and our siblings, and could sometimes lose his temper if he didn't get what he wanted, when he wanted it. I know that that can also be an Autism trait, but I am literally 100% sure he was like that simply because he was spoiled by our parents. - He learned everything at the appropriate ages: talking, walking, playing with other kids, sharing toys/other objects, reading, counting, telling time, tying his own shoes, and the list goes on, while me and S learned all of those things much later than the 'norm'. - Even to this day, N is very in tune with other people's emotions, and can easily put himself in other peoples' shoes. He has always been like that, and even as a child, was very good at cheering up others and calming people down if needed. - Our parents separated when I was five years old, back in 1998/1999. Our father got a new girlfriend, let's name her 'D', and D was the one who spoiled N rotten from when he was only 1 year old, and to some extent still spoils him to this day. Ever since our parents separation, D has been more of a 'mother' to N than our maternal mother, since D came into our lives when N was basically still a baby, and has been spoiled by her since day one, basically. Our father died in 2012, and our mother mother died this March, 2020. - As I have already said, N is still very spoiled today, even though he's 24, and can lose his temper quickly if he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it. When he was a child and teenager, he just got angry and/or sad when he didn't get his way. Now, as an adult, he gets violent when he doesn't get his way. - N has been seeing several psychiatrists over the years, and even been admitted to psychiatric hospitals, sometimes on his own accord, sometimes forced. There, he's gotten a few diagnoses, such as: acute psychosis, Tourrette's Syndrome, and ADHD. I think he got another one, but I don't remember which one. But not even a month ago, 'Autism' was added to his list of diagnoses. - (!TW!) As an adult, whenever he wasn't admitted to a psychiatric hospital/institution, he started to wreck havoc whenever he didn't get his way, and in the most brutal of ways. He has hit and kicked people, even women, almost completely destroyed our stepmother's, D, entire house; the only thing that was intact was the kitchen and bathroom. He even destroyed all the windows in her house, and (presumably, according to D) kicked her cat. - (!TW!) He has admitted to physically abuse D's old dog by kicking her, punching her head with a brick in his hand, and I hope with every part of my soul that I am wrong on this, but I have a feeling he has also sexually abused the dog. - (!TW!) He has killed multiple animals; D's pet bunny, a newborn kitten, and an aquarium full of fish (about 8-10 fish). None of the animals were his own, not that it makes a difference. - (!TW!) This summer, our neurotypical brother ('A') and N were playing a video game on their computers while talking over the phone. N lost to A, and N lost his temper. N threatened to not just kill A and his girlfriend, but to kill A's girlfriend's entire family, cutting off A's skin and using it as a costume to 'start a new and better life'. A understandably has cut off contact to N since. - N is also still doing semi-harmful things to people on almost a daily basis, including, but not limited to: spitting on/after people at the psychiatric hospital, yelling and screaming at them, threatening them, and other forms of verbal abuse.

There are two reasons I'm making this post. 1; N is not Autistic. He has problems, yes, and they're escalating quickly, but he is not Autistic. He has never acted Autistic in any way, and no matter how many 'professionals' give him the Autism diagnosis, I refuse to believe it. 2; the psychiatric hospital he's currently admitted to are planning to send him to an assisted home for Autistic adults, like the ones me and our brother S are living in. This could prove to be extremely dangerous for the personel working there as well as the other residents, especially the latter as we Autistic people won't be able to cope with someone as extreme as N.

I am asking for as many (Actually Autistic people only!!!) people as possible to tell me your take on this. I know that each individual Autistic person is different, and that we all share a lot of the same difficulties and advantages, but are still completely different from eachother in many ways. But N is not Autistic, and again, no amount of 'professional' NT diagnostics doctors can convince me otherwise. What I need is opinions, preferably as many as possible, from other Autistic people like myself.

N is a danger to himself and others, but he is my brother and I love him with all my heart, and I just want to see him get better. But people are about to send him off to a home he doesn't belong, with people that won't be able to handle him. Please, send me your thoughts on this; you might be able to help me being able to help my brother.

#not astrology #autism #autistic #actually autistic #wrong diagnosis #wrong autism diagnosis #I'm desperate #I need your help

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

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Episode 10: Silent Night

This show is taking over my life and I’m not even mad.

Spoilers ahead.

0:28 - This whole scene. Malcolm’s eyes. Holy crap. He looks sad, tired, scared. It utterly breaks my heart.

0:48 - This is Malcolm descending into a panic attack. :( ALSO though - we have confirmation that Ainsley used the clip of her father screaming about how he was a good father. Did Ainsley also use the clip of her listing her brother’s diagnoses? Because honestly, that would be a terrible sister move. I can’t see Malcolm wanting people to know about his diagnoses unless he really trusts them. Is that why Malcolm’s having the beginnings of a panic attack right now? Because he’s realizing that everyone knows. Or is it simply the fact that his father is triggering bad memories for him? Or is it a combo platter?

1:00 - ICONIC. You know this is hilarious and totally in character for Jessica. BUT I think she threw her shoe because she saw Malcolm panicking and she knew that throwing her shoe would shock him out of a full-blown panic attack. I think that if he wasn’t panicking she would’ve just screamed at him and turned off the TV.

1:20 - Look at how sad Jessica is here. She isn’t upset that her son isn’t normal or that she’s not getting grandchildren anytime soon. She’s upset that her son isn’t happy and that he’s suffering. She blames herself for it. We saw that in 1x7.

1:40 - This little conversation between Malcolm and Jessica is really cool. They’re both trying to comfort each other and they’re both concerned for each other.

2:24 - Reason #1214 (yes- I pulled that number out of thin air) that Malcolm needs some sleep. Or some time off. Or some peace. -- The boy didn’t notice that it was Christmas Eve. I don’t care if you don’t celebrate Christmas - the Christmas season has become a massive corporate holiday. It’s almost impossible to ignore. Between the commercials, decorations, sales, music ... how can you not notice?

2:51 - I adore this moment. Look at how happy Malcolm his watching the children run around happily. I’m telling you we need a scene where bright has to hang out with a little kid. It would be cute. Also - Gil. That look that Gil initially gives Malcolm is a look of pure love. He’s happy to see Malcolm smiling. He’s happy to see Malcolm on a holiday. He’s happy to see Malcolm on Christmas Day.

3:35 - Personal disclaimer. I immediately hate Colette Swanson. Simply because Malcolm hates her and Malcolm finds it in him to have compassion for murderers. Therefore - this woman must truly suck.

3:38 - Malcolm looks crushed when he finds out Colette is in charge. Gil is enjoying teasing Malcolm. It’s cute. I like it.

4:05 - Ok. So 1) Malcolm has gone full-blown manic again. Check out the way he just greeted JT. and 2) I looked it up. Kringle is a Scandinavian pastry. So does this mean that Tally’s family has Scandinavian roots? Or JT does and his wife makes it for him? I need to know.

4:13 - Dani looks concerned when she asks if Malcolm has seen Ainsley’s interview. This makes me think that Ainsley probably did include the clip where she lists Malcolm’s diagnoses. This makes me sad. It also makes me lose some respect for Ainsley.

4:37 - How well did Gil know Turner? Gil looks really sad here. Is it sadness because he and Turner were friends? Or just the general sadness that comes over you when you realize that someone you knew died and it makes you remember how fleeting life is?

4:55 - I love how that subtle shot at Malcolm went totally above his head.

5:19 - Where’s Edrisa? We isn’t the medical crew there?

5:34 - When Malcolm takes the gun Gil looks a little alarmed and concerned. Then he shares a look with JT. JT looks concerned too. Actually this whole scene - as Bright gestures with the gun the camera keeps cutting to Gil and/or JT and Dani who have matching looks of concern on their faces.

6:20 - And this is what they were afraid of. The manic idiot, who is clearly not doing well right now, just put a gun to his head. I love how Gil reacts. It’s the same way an angry parent would talk to a misbehaving child.

6:32 - How much do you want to bet that Gil continued that conversation later. Malcolm’s passive suicidality is really getting out of hand.

7:28 - This is great. “Sounds like you.” It’s true though. Since his wife died I’m sure Gil threw his whole life into his work. Now he just works or worries about the team. He seems to know it too. The warning look he gives Dani is a look that says “not the time” not “you’re wrong and I’m annoyed at your sass”.

7:50 - Okay. Colette is a b**ch to Bright. Right off the bat. What happened between them?!? Seriously? This is not professional behaviour. This is straight up harassment. The team does Not Look Happy with the way she’s talking to Bright. All three of them look some mixture of annoyed, confused, and concerned.

8:21 - This whole scene is painful to watch. Colette being more of a b**ch to Malcolm and Malcolm acting like an excited puppy who desperately wants to help. BUT at 8:21 the look JT gives Colette before he walks away. hahahaha I’ve never noticed it before. He’s like “Not my circus, not my monkeys. This woman is cray cray. I’m out.”

8:45 - Love the parallel between 1x5 when Malcolm asks about how Dani knows Estime and here when Dani asks about how Malcolm knows Colette. Also look at Malcolm’s face when he responds. He looks dead inside. I don’t think we’ve ever seen him look at anyone with cold, detached, hatred before. What did this woman do to him?!?

8:50 - Malcolm looks upset here. The way he looks at the ground. Huh. Is Colette just another one of Malcolm’s bullies?

8:58 - I hate how condescending Colette is to everyone in this scene. I love how Dani looks at Gil for guidance on how to respond. Gil looks so mad he’s even refusing to make eye contact with Colette more than strictly necessary. If this woman wasn’t FBI, just a regular member of the NYPD, I swear Gil would lose it on her.

9:10 - Dani looks so upset that Gil is making her work with Colette. AND look at that little warning look Gil gives Malcolm when he says “you’re with me” AND look at that smile that Gil gave Colette before he walked out. hahaha that was not a kind smile. Gil is my hero.

9:26 - Honestly I hate this woman more than I hate Martin. Look at how poorly she makes Malcolm feel. Look at how condescending and rude she is to everyone. IS THIS THE UMBRIDGE OF THE PRODIGAL SON FANDOM?!? Because honestly, if she turns out to be a victim in a future episode I won’t even be mad if the plot doesn’t make sense.

9:34 - so Malcolm has a desk again? Or he’s forced to work at his desk because the case board room has been overtaken by the FBI? Either way - Gil looking at Malcolm with concern and sympathy is fuelling my soul.

9:40 - Ok so two things. 1) Has anyone else noticed that Malcolm only has ONE (1) watch. A brown leather watch. It doesn’t look like a super fancy, expensive watch either. This seems strange for a rich dude (they usually have a lot of watches or at least a fancy Rolex that they show off). I know that doesn’t fit with Malcolm’s personality but the fact that he only wears the one watch makes me headcanon that it was a gift from Gil and Jackie. Maybe when he graduated college or something? THING 2) Is Malcolm avoiding Ainsley’s call because he’s pissed with her about the interview or because he’s got too much going on right now and he can’t handle a drama call from the family?

9:46 - Does Ainsley seriously not feel bad about that interview? I mean she’s asking her brother for a favour right after stabbing him in the back.

10:21 - Shaky hand, scared eyes. This isn’t good.

10:38 - Detective Shannon is a dick. I mean. Even if Malcolm was an accomplice to his Dad’s murders - you just don’t talk to a kid like that. Especially if that kid is showing signs of emotional distress like baby Malcolm is in the flashback. The shaking, slight rocking of the body, eyes screwed shut, shaky voice. Poor little guy is terrified.

11:15 - This suggests that Gil knows about how Shannon treated Bright. How did Gil find out? Recently or when it was happening? What did Gil do/say to Shannon when he found out? Does Jessica know? Is this why Malcolm went mute? Or did this happen after Malcolm started talking again?

11:31 - Okay so protective/concerned Gil warms my heart. You all know this by now. But look at the moment after Shannon calls Gil “lucky boy”. Gil looks positively furious and Malcolm looks scared. Almost like Shannon’s voice is sending him into a C-PTSD flashback. BUT once Malcolm snaps out of his fear he looks angry and suspicious.

13:20 - Gil’s quiet warning is awesome. You can tell that he’s not mad at Malcolm. He thinks Malcolm’s little speech is justified. He’s afraid of what this gun toting lunatic might do to Bright if provoked.

13:34 - This is one of my absolute favourite moments in the show’s history. Look at the way Gil jumps in front of Malcolm and holds Shannon back. That’s partially the cop in him doing his job BUT that’s also a man furious that someone would have the nerve to try and hurt his son.

13:51 - and now Malcolm looks manic again. Gil still looks pissed.

14:38 - Gil’s taking this case personally. Makes sense, even if he didn’t know Ian Turner very well. Gil is a good man who has a very strong moral code. He’s a protector. It makes sense that he would be pissed that an extremely good man was murdered for no good reason.

15:25 - Dani, you are my queen. Tell that b**ch that’s she’s out of line. You go girl.

16:00 - Oh no. Dani is questioning Malcolm. Colette is getting into her head.

16:37 - Okay. It’s Christmas Day. Jessica is supposed to be at home ordering people around to prepare for Christmas dinner. But instead she is at the precinct because Ainsley’s interview is causing her a lot of pain. She’s haunted by the Surgeon and Ainsley’s decided to air out the family issues to the public - thereby giving Jessica no where to hide from her pain. Also - LOVE the way Gil walks in to the room. He knows Jessica is going to come to him with a slightly manic, half-baked plan and/or theory. He’s stressed. He’s in a bad mood. He’s worried about Malcolm and he can’t handle another manic Whitly right now.

17:20 - Gil doesn’t act surprised that Martin chloroformed Malcolm. When did Gil find out? I would’ve payed good money to see that. Also - how selfless is this dude? He’s clearly an emotional mess right now but he stops everything to try and comfort Jessica. He can’t help but be concerned about her. There are sparks here. Check out the way he holds her hands. Check out the soft look that he gives her.

18:25 - All I’m going to say is that when it comes to Malcolm and Jessica - the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

19:35 - JT talked to Dani about Malcolm’s date. He was so concerned about Malcolm that he called Dani because he knows they’re close. Do you think they told Gil?!? Or did Malcolm tell Gil?! Gil has to know. Right?

19:50 - Malcolm, sweetheart. No. Honey, you’re not broken. Look how sad Dani is. She wants to help him. She can see how deep his depression is. This is honestly so concerning. When someone says something like this, sincerely, with that much pain in their eyes - just take them to see a doctor or just have someone stay with them. Please. They need supervision. They might be a danger to themselves.

20:02 - Ever notice how a lock of Malcolm’s hair falls into his face when his mental and/or physical state starts to get seriously unhinged.

20:46 - Oh. My. Goodness. That Christmas ornament is precious. Look at how happy and cute baby Malcolm and baby Ainsley are.

21:15 - This is such a good conversation. Usually Jessica is overprotective, overbearing, and somewhat controlling when it comes to her children. However, Jess is totally justified in what she says to Ainsley here. It frustrates me that Ainsley is so upset about it. Ainsley really can’t see how her ambition is destroying her relationship with her family. She can’t see that the actions she’s taking to further her career are at the expense of the mental well-being of her mother and brother.

21:45 - “You’re playing the victim.” Ouch. That was a low-blow Ainsley. It’s not true either. Your Mom is traumatized. To an extent your mother and brother are victims of the Surgeon. You are too. Your mother just wants some peace and privacy. That’s not unreasonable.

22:50 - Yikes. Has Shannon been following Malcolm? Look how scared Malcolm is. He’s so much more terrified of Shannon now that Gil isn’t with him. You know how we can be sure that Malcolm is a good person? He actually looks sympathetic towards Shannon. Upset for Shannon. ALSO quick side note - is Malcolm holding a pie? Did he buy a pie to bring to the family Christmas dinner? Why is that making my heart melt?

25:03 - Pissed Gil is such a mood.

26:24 - Anyone else find it concerning that Malcolm is so desperate to catch the Junkyard Killer and to get answers about that camping trip that he is willing to get in a car and go to a random garage with the ex-detective who traumatized him? Also - they have surveillance pictures of baby Malcolm? Isn’t that illegal? I didn’t think you could photograph minors like that?

28:15 - Shannon just won over Malcolm. Look at that sadness and compassion in Malcolm’s eyes. Dang. That’s kind of sweet? Shannon’s still a dick though.

29:25 - Sometimes when Malcolm starts being sincere, soft, and supportive - I swear I’m watching him channel Gil.

30:02 - Anyone else think it’s weird that they left the car running outside with the headlights on? Just me? Ok. Carry on.

30:11 - How poetic that John Watkins is near the end of the list, alphabetically speaking, so it’s one of the last names they check.

30:50 - Malcolm looks downright terrified when Shannon shows him his gun.

31:35 - haha Gil is so exhausted here. Look at him when Bright hangs up. Gil’s like, “Of course. What did I expect? I can’t control this man-child. Please remind me why I love him before I do something I regret.”

31:50 - This is Granny immediately strikes me as really weird. Like more than just regular nutty old-lady weird.

33:10 - Look how uncomfortable Malcolm looks around Matilda. He’s interested in John’s childhood and he’s still working the case but he’s clearly freaked out by Granny over here.

34:39 - Malcolm’s eyes are looking hella manic again.

34:50 - OMG. hahaha Malcolm looks horrified when Matilda pours that gravy stuff on his food. I’m shocked that he didn’t puke.

36:00 - This photo album is...wow. Really increases the creepy factor of this case.

38:45 - This conversation between Colette and Gil is awesome. Gil is scared. He’s trying to protect Bright but he’s also knows that he needs help. Dani and JT look scared.

39:27 - OMG. I didn’t like Shannon but he didn’t deserve that.

39:48 - So Matilda is kind of a serial killer too. Right? She knew her grandson was a murder and she helped him. She condoned it. She’s as bad as he is.

40:45 - Oh Jessica is desperate. She’s totally throwing Gil under the bus here. She wouldn’t do that unless she was desperate.

41:25 - Dani and Gil look terrified. OMG. My heart is breaking.

42:20 - Malcolm has that knife right in front of his mother’s townhouse. So I guess Martin was lying in 1x7 when he said they bought it off the turnpike in New Jersey during their camping trip.

So...things are getting scary for Malcolm. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies.

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thesickpanda · 4 years

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See you on the other side

Note: I have never talked much about my family on this blog for fear they might see it. But I am no longer afraid of how they will react if they do see it. Bring it. I have some things to say about how psychological and emotional abuse is normalized in families, especially towards firstborn daughters, so here it bloody well is.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. It is dysfunctional on both sides and I feel truly alien to everybody in that family network. The only exceptions were my late father, late grandmother and one cousin. And even then, there were aspects of my dad and Gran that seemed totally bizarre to me, such as their inability to talk about difficult issues or face their inner demons. That is something I've had to do alone all my life.

When my father died unexpectedly nine years ago, the dysfunction was really obvious. My severely mentally ill mother had a complete nervous breakdown and it fell to me to take care of her while single-handedly organising a funeral from another continent. My sister locked down and turned to her friends rather than me, her battle-weary sibling, as she typically does. I received no support there. My entire extended family found my father's death an inconvenience. My dad's girlfriend had to intervene before his brother had cremated him without a funeral and without even letting us know he had passed away. (My father died in his home country). It was only after my dad's friend alerted his girlfriend that she was able to put a stop to it and give me the opportunity to give my dad a proper funeral. It was no secret in the family that I was extremely close to my father and loved him very, very much. But I received absolutely no emotional support from anybody. Even my cousin couldn't understand why I wouldn't attend her wedding the day after my father's funeral. Because I was upset? Because I had just lost the person I loved most in the world? Hello?

Apart from the enormous toll that took on chronically ill me to organise dad's funeral with a 15 hour time difference, the mental toll was truly unbearable. I didn't want to be alone in this loss but that's where I found myself. My mother was wracked with guilt and couldn't face herself and my sister shut down and didn't want to talk about any of it. Shortly after I returned from my father's funeral, my partner's family cut all ties with me because they found out we were dating and didn't approve of me, being a non-Catholic and not Italian. They didn't speak to me for eight months. So my own family were not speaking to me or reaching out to me (I didn’t get so much as a text message from any of my cousins or even a card from any of my aunts and uncles) and my partner's family had made it very clear that I wasn't what they wanted for their son. So I tried to reach out to some of my friends. What a shock to the system that turned out to be. The friends I thought would be there for me weren’t and the friends that I didn't expect that from offered some words of comfort. But those friends were scattered around the globe. I had only recently moved to Australia and didn't know anybody apart from my partner so he was the only person I could talk to. I appreciated that, but I really wanted to talk to somebody who knew my father (unfortunately, my partner and dad didn’t know each other well) so I reached out to my father's friends. They all shut me down saying it was too painful to talk about the man. So then I reached out to my partner's girlfriend, who was much hated by my family for making a play for his will. I cannot emphasize enough how little I cared about the money. Money could not buy me comfort or solace or a salve to my grief, only compassion and communication could do that. And she was more than willing to offer that. Because she was the only person I could talk to about my father I leaned very heavily on her up until 2 years later when she drew the line and said that she needed to move on with her life and could no longer speak about it. I respect that, it was never really her responsibility, but she was all I had.

Just before that happened, I visited the UK to see my family. They were totally disinterested in my visit. There was no fanfare around my arrival, which is fine, but showing a little enthusiasm for my return after a few years away would have been nice. Instead I got utterly bullied by them for being a feminist. I had a horrible realization that my childlike perception of my relatives was very rose-tinted; in reality, they were cold, hard conservatives who took it upon themselves to put me straight on my pathetic beliefs. At one point, they had me on the ground sobbing into the carpet and were standing over me telling me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was a wuss for crying after an hour of being gaslit, and that I wasn't really a feminist because I was reliant my partner (because, you know, I'm sick with 3 chronic illnesses and 2 mental illnesses, but hey they don't believe me about that, either). I was so roundly abused by everybody that I have not gone back since. My uncle even told me that my father had chosen to die rather than deal with his immediate family. I disagreed, stating that he had in fact been looking forward to my visit, tragically scheduled a few weeks after he died, and that his friend had told me it was all he could talk about. But my uncle said I was wrong: my father had chosen to die rather than see me. Picked his moment. Checked out deliberately. Shortly after that disgustingly callous remark, my aunt told me, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she thought about me and my family. I won't repeat that here because it is too painful.

Now, to paint a picture about the kind of person I am, every step of the way I have forgiven people. Even when they have hurt me and refused to acknowledge that hurt or apologize for it, I have forgiven them and come back to them. Why? Because I'm used to being a doormat. Because I'm used to being told that as the eldest daughter it is my responsibility to be there for the family; to be everybody's counsellor when they need it and to be their punching bag when they're feeling volatile. What gets me is that since I was a girl, I have been mocked and ridiculed for being “too sensitive” and “a crybaby”. I mean, I grew up with relentless domestic violence, a deeply unhappy home life in a country rife with crime and on the brink of civil war, and like a normal child, I expressed my fear and suffering through tears. But in response to that I was given so-called “tough love” (to quote my sister) and made to feel like it was a tremendous weakness on my part to acknowledge my difficult emotions. And yet that same softness and sensitivity is what they ALL turned to when they needed it from me. I was their sounding board, consoled them when they required it, reached out when I could tell they were down (especially my dad). But me? I'm not allowed to have feelings of my own, because they are an inconvenience that must be swiftly dealt with by dismissing them as an “overreaction”. Because they won’t face their own inner turmoil, they have attacked me for not only feeling but expressing mine. After repeated episodes of this, I have learned NOT to show my hand to them. I am still the same sensitive, sweet person with my friends, and I still provide my family comfort when they need it, but I strive not to cry in front of them anymore or talk about my own pain or hardships. I have diagnosed PTSD from my childhood trauma that gets triggered whenever I make myself vulnerable to them, so I just don’t do it anymore, which has meant I have an absolute volcano-load of rage and resentment locked down underneath my smiling exterior.

Despite all of this, I have sent countless emails, letters, handmade cards and packages to relatives who never once asked me how I'm doing and don't bother to reply. I have done this because I have been so utterly brainwashed by society's expectation that the first born daughter is a secondary mother figure, including to her own mother, and must pour emotional labour into everybody without ever needing it to be reciprocated. It's a very pernicious form of sexism that I was completely oblivious to during my eight years of feminist activism.

I kept up with my grandmother during the nine years after my dad's death until she passed away a week ago. The rest of my family couldn't be bothered to do the same for her. So when she died, knowing full well that I'd put a lot of emotional energy and time into that relationship, I thought at the very least they would reach out to me to say hey, how are you doing? What a fool I am. To think that they would do that when they didn't even do that when dad died! So I ended up angrily prompting them which has since opened a can of worms. They kinda sorta detected I am a bit pissed off with them? Even though they don't know why I'm so angry…???

According to 5 different psychologists, I was viciously bullied and gaslit as a child and teenager. My gentle nature was seen as a weakness and a character flaw. I now know how wrong my family are about that. Ten years of therapy teaches you a thing or two about people’s maladaptive coping mechanisms. I can see their dysfunction because I have spent 9 years reckoning with my own; looking into my past trauma and figuring out how to process it. I can see all their scars and wounds in a way that they just can't. And yet they continuously project that unacknowledged trauma onto me over and over again, triggering my PTSD and keeping me from being able to move on. The stress they cause me literally makes me ill. And even though I've had psychologist literally begging me to cut ties with my family because they are that poisonous to my mental well-being (and in turn my physical well-being), that brainwashing is so entrenched that I have just stuck it out.

But you know what? Gran’s death broke something in me. It dredged up all the hurt and anger I have buried deep, known only to my counsellors and partner, and I have realised how utterly toxic it has been for me to swallow that down for so long. In the past 2 years, I've put down boundaries with my mother and even though she wrestled with them she's beginning to accept them and we are getting along a bit better now. I've accepted I will never have the sort of relationship with my mother that I'd hoped for, because she cannot be the person I need her to be. Fine. But with the rest of my family I have absolutely had enough. I'm no longer going to be their emotional punching bag and I refuse to be taken for granted. I'm no longer going to be there for them when they need me only to get gaslit and dismissed when I need them. I'm dumping the role of the dutiful daughter/sister/niece.

There’s a pernicious lie that is sold to us through media and mantras: that you often hurt the ones you love the most. That family need to be there for each other, no matter what.

I call bullshit on that idea.

I don’t hurt my friends, and if I accidentally do, I apologise for that, because I know that they can walk anytime and I need to work on making that relationship worthwhile for them. My bonds with other people are built on mutual respect, open communication and genuine appreciation for one another. It needs to be a two way street. I don’t take them for granted and they don’t take me for granted.

I no longer subscribe to the view that just because you are blood related to someone you need to tolerate their abuse. I think respect is earned. I think respect should be mutual. I think that people should be kind and considerate to one another. Why should there be one formula for how my family treat their friends, and another for how they treat me? I think the belief that we should tolerate the cruelty of family has led to many suicides and broken human beings. My own father walked away from his family after they mistreated him and was subsequently able to live his own life. But his failing was that he never went to therapy to deal with his trauma and instead turned to addiction to cope which led to his death. I learned from his mistake. I have been getting lots of much needed professional support. But the rest of my family are headed on the same path as dad, despite my imploring them to seek help themselves. They all refuse to acknowledge their own pain and damage which they, in turn, inflict on me, the only person in their life who will take it.

I am so done with being the only one to face the past, deal with my flaws and mend my broken parts. Because they refuse to acknowledge it and process it, it informs and affects their behaviour and actions, which are projected onto me and therefore leave me tethered to a time and a treatment I want to put behind me. In this way, maintaining ties with them has been the single most damaging thing I have done to my own process of healing. It’s a way of remaining tethered to the trauma.

Right now, I am having a reckoning with my family. It is blisteringly painful but ultimately necessary. It will be interesting to see what's on the other side of all this grief and pain and rage. What’s so frustrating is that it took something like another death in the family to leave that pain raw and exposed for all to see.

Better late than never, I guess.

"The Other Side" by David Gray Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled And now the floodgates cannot hold All my sorrow all my rage A tear that falls on every page Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side Maybe I oughta mention, was never my intention To harm you or your kin, are you so scared to look within The ghosts are crawling on our skin We may race and we may run We'll not undo what has been done Or change the moment when it's gone

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous To come on all courageous And offer you my hand To pull you up on to dry land When all I got is sinking sand That trick ain't worth the time it buys I'm sick of hearing my own lies And love's a raven when it flies Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is

#childhood trauma #abuse #neglect #gaslighting #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #ptsd #chronic illness #mental illness

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shetriedandsheconquered · 4 years

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The Beginning

You see the girl in the photo? It shows her pulling a face using a snapchat filter right? Thats me.

What it doesn't show is that this girl has suffered with trauma her whole life. From her dad leaving and coming back again literally like a pinball machine until she was 11 years old. Her dad was physically and mentally abusive but when she was younger she adored him as that was her dad and she didn't know any different.

She was bullied throughout her whole time at school, she lost a lot of confidence, she was always terrified to go to school, she had no friends and it also resulting in her struggling in classes. Fast forward to high school where she met her friend Kayte. Kayte was the complete opposite to her. She was outgoing, sporty and extremely smart whereas the girl in the picture was the complete opposite.

Kayte never left her side throughout high school even with knowing how she was bullied Kayte stayed. After high school they drifted apart going off to do different things.

While at College the girl in the photo started to gain a little more confidence in herself although she was still terrified, she chose to study Graphic Design as she loved that type of Art. After 2 years she left college finishing her course and decided to get a job instead of go off to University. During my time at college I also lost one of my grandparents and it really hit me hard and id felt that id let him down because the one thing he wanted to see was me drive and that never happened (I didn't pass my driving test till mid 2019).

One day on Instagram I got a DM from someone called Luke, it was completely unexpected and now I'm really good friends with him. While going through some really bad times when id started to self harm and debate suicide he was there for me and helped me stop self harming and from suicide and ill always be grateful for everything he did.

In December 2018, through a mutual friend I started talking to my now Fiancé. At first it was strange but a good strange because I completely allowed myself to open up to him when id only spoken to him for under a week. I told him everything id been through and he didn't run the opposite direction, he listened and accepted it and we decided when he came back from Thailand to make it official (bare in mind we’d only been talking under a month).

While at her first job she got threatened by a shoplifter which as you'd guess dropped her confidence and caused her to have anxiety every time she had to go to work this included quite a lot of tears that my boyfriend dealt with every shift that he dropped me off for.

Now to the end of 2019, I have a new job and my mothers partner who dislikes my boyfriend for no reason decided that when me and my partner come back from our holiday in Spain that he'd refuse to acknowledge my partner whenever he came over. No-one knew why he disliked my partner, so one day my partner asked him calmly what was his problem, to which my mothers partner decided to become very aggressive but not giving an exact answer. The only thing he said was that my partner had changed me.

In September 2019, I moved into living with my Grandparents (mothers parents) as I couldn't bare living with my mother and her partner who by that point had moved in and started demanding and controlling everything and deciding he was the man of the house. Since I moved out all my Grandparents and my Aunt as well as me and my partners mother at times have just received abuse from my mother. My mother even tries to cause issues between me and my brother who also moved out into his own place with his partner and child. My brother I have always been close to, he was always there for me looking after me and protecting me, he's always been my father figure thinking about it.

Since all of this has happened I've been Diagnosed with Severe Anxiety and Panic Disorder as well as OCD which makes its own issues when it comes to work. I have to have 3 different medications just to try and ease my anxiety and I did have therapy but that didn't help me so I am currently having counselling. Through all of this the only time my mother has contacted me is about her wedding (which Coronavirus cancelled haha), i never even got a Happy Birthday on my 21st Birthday from her. My mother only ever seems to criticise me and anything I do even with her coming into my work and causing me to have panic attacks. She still to this day hasn't acknowledged the hurt and issues she has caused me and accuses me of being fine and not mentally ill.

Through all of this I've got through it with the support of my Aunt and Grandparents, my Partner and his family. Its not been easily but I'm going to get there.

Bri

#mentally ill #mental disorder #mental health #illgetthere #keepmovingforward #baby steps #anxiety #panic disorder #ocd

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ae-diaries · 5 years

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My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible.

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image.

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako.

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action.

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared.

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City).

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op.

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?",

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness.

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself.

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness.

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall.

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it! - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar

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siriuslybuckybarnes · 6 years

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Always (Bucky x OFC) Part 2/12

My Masterlist

Part 1

When Emilia Rogers was almost three years old, she sat beside her mother as she stared down at the little baby in Sarah Rogers’ arms.

The green-eyed infant stared back up at her and Emilia knew then and there that she would do anything to protect her baby brother.

When she was five, Steve fell into the local pool and Emilia screamed until her mother had pulled him to safety only seconds later.

But to Emilia, it had felt like years.

When she was eight, Steve was diagnosed with health problems, more than her young brain thought possible.

The doctor explained to them his stunted growth, his labored breathing, and his funny walk.

Scarlet fever hit him with vengeance, and Emilia sat worriedly by his side as she cried and wished she could take it from him.

Emilia sat beside her brother, listening to his labored breathing and wondered if she would ever be able to help him.

When she was eleven, she realized that her little brother didn’t like to be pushed around.

Despite his small stature, breathing problems, and slow speed, he insisted on standing up to kids bigger and stronger than he was.

Emilia couldn’t stand to see him picked on, and decided it was her job to step in and protect him, which resulted in a lot of detention.

When Emilia was fourteen, she found Steve hunched in a corner, cradling his small arm and trying to hide his face.

She soon learned that he had picked a fight with the school bully when the boy tried to take a girl’s lunch money. Emilia had helped Steve to his feet, walked him home and then promptly found the bully the next day, threatening him to leave her brother alone unless he wanted to face her.

The boy had laughed, not believing a girl could possibly be a match for him.

His face had met Emilia’s fist within seconds. Leaving Emilia shaking her hand out, and the boy with a bloodied nose and wounded pride.

Steve was an underdog through-and-through, his small stature making him an easy target even without him picking fights. Bucky had noticed how Steve refused to step down from those who threatened him and always stood up for the little guy, even though he was the little guy.

Bucky met Steve when they were twelve, having watched him pick a fight with a school bully over someone’s lunch money. The first punch landed left Steve hunched over, clutching his stomach from the force, the second didn’t hit because Emilia had appeared to catch it, shoving the larger boy back and pulled Steve behind her.

Her green eyes matched his, but they were darker with anger as she stepped forward, urging the bully to step off.

The next sound that could be heard was the boy’s hand making contact with her cheek as he slapped her, causing her head to snap to the side. He grinned in triumph for a few seconds, but Bucky had had enough, and he knew that there was no reason to ever slap a girl. He swooped in, tackling the bully to the ground and pummeling his face until Emilia dragged him off, scolding him for getting involved.

Emilia rushed the two boys off the schoolyard, and they settled in a small diner down the street.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” she scolded, after she had asked for a towel filled with ice. “And you,” she said, turning her attention to Steve. “I’ve had just about enough of this. I’m not always going to be around to help you, you know.”

Steve’s hands were clenched in anger, “He slapped you.” His eyes were filled with rage as he touched the red mark on Emilia’s face. “I could kill him.”

“You can’t do anything to him, Stevie,” she replied, pushing his hand down. “And it didn’t hurt. I’m just worried about you.”

Bucky decided then and there that he would always stand by the siblings, no matter what came at them.

The next year, Steve and Bucky were walking home from school when they were jumped by the same school bully.

After a year, he still hadn’t forgotten about the humiliating fight that had ended in him lying on the ground clutching his face.

But this time, he had friends with him.

One grabbed Steve from behind, holding his arms behind his back. The other two had Bucky’s arms pinned as well, and the bully was focusing his energy on Bucky’s gut. After the third punch, Bucky let out a laugh and asked if that was all they had.

His question was met with a punch to his nose and he grunted in pain as blood poured down his face.

Steve was struggling to fight back, but he was obviously too weak to gain any ground.

“Let them go,” a small voice demanded and Bucky squinted his eyes to see Emilia standing behind the bully. “I said, let my little brother go.”

The bully turned, quickly slapping Emilia’s face.

“Back off,” he growled. “Or you’re next.”

Emilia’s head flew to the side, her jaw clenching as she turned it back so she could glare up at the boy.

“I don’t like bullies,” she said harshly, her right leg kicking out and striking the boy in the shin before she punched him in the nose. “Especially ones who don’t fight fair.”

Thanks to her distraction, Bucky had been able to fight free and he was taking care of getting Steve free.

Emilia wasn’t stupid. She knew they couldn’t win the fight, so she yelled for them to run and took off after them down the alleys. A few minutes later, they were hunkered down in the diner down the street from their house, Emilia tending to Bucky’s nose when Steve hung his head and apologized for getting them into trouble.

This time, Emilia shrugged and grinned slightly, “I stand up for my baby brother,” she replied. “This time he started it, so Buck and I finished it. Right Buck?”

Bucky had only grinned back and nodded, wincing when Emilia pressed the cold rag to his face to ease the swelling.

When Emilia was nineteen, her mother died from tuberculosis, leaving her and Steve as orphans and her as the sole familial protector of Steve.

To her, it was nothing new to be there for Steve, but now she felt as if there was no one left to be there for her.

Her mother was her rock in everything, and losing her made her feel empty.

The night after the funeral, Bucky showed up at their doorstep and pulled her into a tight hug, somehow sensing the utter despair that had struck her.

“I’ll always be here if you need me,” he whispered quietly, squeezing her as she began to sob quietly. “I’ll always be here for you and Steve.”

When she was twenty-one, war broke out across the world, forcing her to think back to how her father died when Steve started talking about fighting.

His insistence made panic rise in her throat as she contemplated the dangers of war, what could happen to him.

But relief flooded through her when she realized the US wasn’t joining the fight.

When she was twenty-three, Pearl Harbor was bombed and it was announced that the US would be joining the war.

Panic gripped her heart like a vice when she realized what that meant: Steve was going to try to fight.

Because like his older sister, he didn’t like bullies. And to Steve, the Nazis were the biggest bullies of them all.

Luckily for Emilia’s selfish worry, Steve’s health was too poor for him to be accepted and he was immediately rejected and sent home. But her elation was short-lived as he continued to try to enlist.

She felt sick to her stomach every time he opened their front door, panic once again causing her chest to clench tightly when she saw papers in his hand.

But every time, he was holding new rejection papers as they marked him unfit to serve.

When she was twenty-four, her best friend enlisted in the army, becoming Sergeant James Barnes of the 107, and she realized that she couldn’t stand by him to protect him.

Before Bucky shipped out, he held her close as they danced, and promised her that he would return home to her. Promised her that he would always return to her, no matter what.

When she was twenty-five, her baby brother told her he was enlisting a super soldier program that would allow him to fight. Just like he’d always wanted.

She cried herself to sleep that night as her stomach did somersaults at the thought of losing her baby brother and her best friend.

After three months away, he returned home and told her that he had been chosen as the first to undergo the procedure and that he wanted her to go with him.

Emilia fought the bile in her throat and agreed, praying that she wouldn’t have to watch her brother get hurt.

Part 3

#steve rogers #captain america #captain america has a sister #bucky barnes #james barnes #always #avengers #pre serum steve #pre-war steve #pre-war bucky

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wlovefromemo2000s · 3 years

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And my Scars Remind Me that the Past is Real...

One day, you’re 18 and experiencing the joys of life for the first time. My first love, came just weeks after I turned 18. I gave him my number on a waitress’ note, signed with my nickname and a heart. He kept that piece of paper in his wallet for the entirety of our relationship. He was four years older, having graduated college when I graduated high school. A four year age gap is cake to me these days. Back then, it was difficult. Not being able to go to bars with your boyfriend? I had no idea what a bar was even like. Insecurity rang through my body. Top it off with the tolls of long distance on a fledgling relationship. Everything I had prayed for, everything I had imagined my soulmate be. The same taste in music, the hobby of stargazing. One moment, you think you’ve found the love of your life.

The first year passed, blissfully enjoying one another, with the presents of the firsts. First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first sleepover. I’ll never forget when it really started to turn. An August evening, I had just come back from being on vacation with my family. His brother had a show that he was going to...it was at a strip club. He said the event was 21+...it was actually 18+. I could have gone. He didn’t tell me to come after he had found out it was 18+. I was annoyed because he hadn’t even bothered to find out if I could come. I was excited to see him after being a week away. already having suffered from anxiety and depression after my first year four hours away. My ego had suffered from poor grades, something I did not struggle with until I was in college. I had to reconsider my whole dream of being a doctor. That whole year, while blissful, was filled with anxiety. It’s crazy to think that at that time, I had no idea I was suffering from anxiety and depression. My entire life was changing before my eyes. This wasn’t according to plan.

Getting back to the story of where it began to turn. He was supposed to pick me up at 10:30. He didn’t pick me up until 1 to spite me. He was angry with me for being mad that he didn’t know it was 18+. I was weak to his grip. I went down to his mother’s with him at 1:30 am, even though it was already so late and I was angry. I stared out the window, listening to Jack Mannequin’s Dark Blue on repeat with my headphones in my ears. His way of making it up to me was getting those chicken bites from Burger King on the way home.

This was the beginning of the end. That next year, I went back to college. I would secretly return home to spend weekends with him. He lived in a one bedroom apartment with his roommate and roommate’s girlfriend. Yes, they shared a room. The apartment was super small. I was eating ice cream out of the carton in his living room. The next thing I know, I am berated by his roommate. Apparently, the way I ate off the spoon was annoying and rather triggering. Having already been on the edge from my undiagnosed depression and anxiety, I had a panic attack. I had a mental breakdown. I was suicidal annd wanted nothing more than to not exist in that moment. I had never felt so small....It brought me back to the feeling that I used to get when my dad would berate me.

Having such a hardcore reaction to being berated, his roommate started to talk about how he thought I was bipolar. He had no idea what I had been through, and no self awareness to see that there was no need for such a reaction. Looking back now, I would have screamed at him and gone home. My boyfriend did nothing.

My boyfriend’s brother picked up on how insecure I was. My boyfriend probably told him. He would tell me things like my boyfriend was going to fuck any girl I was insecure of. Coworkers, people that he knew. My boyfriend did nothing.

My boyfriend’s brother shoved my face into the staircase, after telling me I should strip for a living. “You would make a lot of money because you’re thick.” My boyfriend did nothing.

My boyfriend would go to lunch with his female coworker. His brother told me that she was hot. I looked through his phone. Flirty texts, but nothing incriminating enough to break up.

A Punta Cana trip. Twenty of his friends. Day 2 and my phone isn’t working. I use his to contact my loved ones and tell them I’m safe. I get the inclination to look through the phone. A deep dive search. It’s 3 am and he’s knocked out. Texts to a woman off of craigslist. Phone calls and a burner phone. She had sent him a picture of her tits. He had sent her a picture of his face. I’m not sure what panned out, as the texts ended abruptly followed by some mysterious phone calls. I screamed at him. I broke the glass table in our room. I had made him tell his entire family what he did. I said some of the worst things I have ever said in my life. I felt captive, stuck in a miserable place. I did not know what to do. Do I tell my parents? They had paid for me to go on the trip. I didn’t want them to pay for me to come home early. He offers to leave. I do not want to stay on this trip alone with his friends. His friend’s sister was my saving grace. She was fun to hang out with and after I found out he cheated on me, they had offered for me to stay with them. Again, I felt captive. It was my own problem and I had to solve it. I quickly encountered Stockholm Syndrome, having to spend every waking minute with him for the next week.

I had no idea what to do after that. I obviously didn’t trust him. I was sexting other men behind his back, having no loyalty after what he had done. I had told his mother what a piece of shit he was when I was drunk. I was a mess. I was my worst self. At 20, I had gained thirty pounds over the course of a year. I had to change majors, entire career paths. And I was dealing with my boyfriend and the bullies he surrounded himself with. I had never in my life felt so alone. Looking back, I can’t believe that I made it to this point. I’ll never forget, end of sophomore year. I was at my lowest point and my great grandmother reached out to me through my dreams. The girl I was then would be so proud of the woman I am today.

I’m so thankful for my friends. My best friend from elementary school had saved me in a time of need. A college party, where she asked me if I would ever be able to trust him again. I couldn’t. I would hook up with my old best friend that night, knowing that I was going to break up with my boyfriend. The next day, I went to spend the rest of the weekend with him. He knew something was up. I told him we should break up the day I go back to college. He said okay. I never went back.

I’m sitting here at the age of 25. That was 5 years ago. How far I’ve come..truly. I followed the career path I had chosen. I made new friends my junior year. Many who are my best friends today. The women around me showed me acceptance and love. There was no judgment. I was one of them now, single with the world at my fingers.

I have a great job now. I have my best friends. I have never been stronger. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Recently, I went on antidepressants. I go to therapy. The combination saved my life. I’m moving to an apartment I only ever dreamed of living in. I’m thirty pounds lighter, some of my healthiest years. My dating life is abundant. I’m fortunate to have options. It has been hard to trust again, I won’t lie. I’ve been trying to better myself. I had to work to find the self love that I had lost in that relationship. Only recently have I been able to be content being alone with myself. I’ve had to restructure my image of men. I don’t know what exactly clicked in the last year, or maybe it was the antidepressants, but I’m finally happy. I look forward to the weekends to spend time with my best friends. I enjoy going to work. My workouts and my diet fuel me. I’m proud of myself.

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berjhawn · 7 years

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Death Ever After - Part 6 - Shake It Out

Death Ever After - A Modern Marvel Alternate Universe x Reader - Reader is a Childhood friends with the Barnes Children; Richard, Bucky, and Rebecca. A terrible accident occurs forcing the Reader to move in with her biological father. Years pass and destiny decides to play a joke on the reader. Chaos Ensues.

Warnings: Abusive families; Accidents; Death; blame game; etc

Pairings: Modern Marvel AU X Reader; Bucky X Reader; Steve X Reader

(A/N) This is a Modern Marvel Alternate Universe. In this universe the Barnes parents, George and Winifred are still alive. I brought in Bucky’s comic canon sister Rebecca but added an older brother named Richard. Howard and Maria Stark are also still alive along with Jarvis. Some Characters may seem OOC at time but this is an alternate reality people, shit happens. I hope you all like it.

Parts:

Part 1 - A True Hero

Part 2 - A New Life?

Part 3 - Becoming A Stark

Part 4 - Therapeutic

Part 5 - Hearsay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stare across the table at the man I had been having random lunch and occasionally dinner dates with for the past few weeks and smile. Steve was an amazing guy. It surprised me how much he was there for me. I also tried to be there for him as much as possible as well. The more time we spent together the more attached I became. I learned that his wife had passed away from a rare disease and ever since her death he had distanced himself from relationships.

I didn’t blame him. After I lost Richard, even though I never thought of him in a romantic sense, I kept myself from getting too close to anyone; except for Tony and the Starks. There was something about Steve that pulled me in and made me feel like I could be myself with him. I felt like I could tell him anything. Even now sitting across from him in this cute little diner I felt completely happy.

My phone vibrated on the table making us both look at. “Ah just a second,” I say as I open it to see that Rebecca had texted me.

‘So… have you found a date to my wedding yet?’ – Rebecca

I shake my head at the text before I lock my phone and turn back to Steve. Ever since Rebecca had told me she was getting married I had dreaded the thought of going. The thought of having to see Bucky and his parents again after all these years made me want to run away and hide. I had changed a lot since then but there was no way they wouldn’t notice me. They wouldn’t want their son’s killer at their daughter’s wedding. So, I had said no. I wasn’t going to go. Then Rebecca showed up at my house and told me if I didn’t go she’d hire some bodyguards and make them drag me to her wedding. So, I changed my mind.

That’s where Steve came in. I wanted to ask him to go with me but I was scared that something might happen. I didn’t want anything to happen him. clasping my hand together under the table I start to rub them together as I try to muster up the courage to ask him. The wedding was this weekend and I knew it was now or never.

“You okay?” He asks and I nod.

“Yeah, just been putting something off.” I answer as take a deep breath.

“Actually, I have too.” He replies making me cock and eyebrow at him.

“Oh?” I ask and he nods.

“Honestly, I was worried about whether or not we’d known each other long enough, or been dating long enough to ask you this…” He pauses his eyes meeting mine. “My friend’s sister is getting married this weekend, and I was wondering if you’d like to go with me.”

“You’re kidding, right?” I ask making his face drop. “I was going to ask you the same thing. Well kind of. My friend is getting married and I wanted to ask you if you’d go with me.” I say and he lets out a relieved chuckle.

“For a second there you had me scared.” He answers honestly relaxing in his seat. “I thought I had done something wrong.”

“NO! oh god, my big mouth! I’m sorry it came out wrong.” I say reaching up to cover my face with my hands.

“No, no, it’s okay. Anyway, back to this wedding business. I find it funny we both have a wedding to go to this weekend.” Steve says trying to lighten the mood.

“Same here, it’s someone I know from when I was a kid. She kind of threatened me that if I didn’t agree to go she’d have bodyguards drag me.” I add making him chuckle.

“I kind of have the same experience with my friend. His little sister Rebecca is getting married and since I’ve known them for years they both insisted I come and bring you. That is if you wanna go. So?” He asks and my heart drops.

“Your friend… what’s his name?” I ask hoping and praying that my assumptions were wrong.

“James Barnes, but we all call him-”

“Bucky…” I gulp down a breath of air as I interrupt him.

“Yeah, how did you know?” He asks but I am too scared to answer. How could I have dated one of Bucky’s friends and not know it. My body starts to shake as my heart races in my chest.

“I’m sorry, I…I have to go.” I reply panic racing through my body as I quickly gather my things.

“Wait, hold on.” He says gently grabbing my wrist as worry fills his eyes. “Let me get everything to go and then I’ll drive you home. If you wanna talk about why you’re so scared I’m here for you.” He says and I nod slowly as I sit back down. I sat quietly my mind racing as Steve quickly got our food to go, paid for it, and then led me outside to his car. When he had originally said he was going to take me out in his car I was scared; but I had slowly started to be okay with riding in it with him.

One of the main reasons Steve had a car, I had learned later after many dates, was because he was a father. Only months before his wife had been diagnosed terminally ill, she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Sarah, was the spitting image of her mother, with wavy chocolate brown hair; but she had her father’s deep blue eyes. I first met her when Steve had to pick her up from school one day for punching a kid in the nose. Her reason was because he was bullying other kids and she doesn’t like bullies. She was her father’s daughter.

As we pull out onto the street I let out a heavy sigh and reaching over gently touch his arm making him pull one hand form the steering wheel to take my hand in his. Growing up, I didn’t know a simple move like this was enough to make me feel relaxed and accepted. It was nice. “I don’t want to go home yet.” I say making him squeeze my hand encouragingly.

“Where do you want to go?” He asks as he gently rubs his thumb against the back of mine.

“Somewhere we can talk… I owe you an explanation as to why I freaked out.” I say leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder. “And we need to finish our dinner.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel too overwhelmed.” He says making me smile softly.

“Yeah, I think it’s time I tell you everything.” I say closing my eyes and reveling in his warmth.

“Okay, I know just the place.” He says as he pulls our hands up to his lips to gently place a kiss on the back of my hand.

We continue driving until we make it to a nice little park. As he parks the car I pull my hand from his and reaching into the back seat grab our food. By the time I turn back around Steve had climbed from his seat and moved around the front of the car to open my door. He holds his hand out to me, taking it, I let him pull me from the car to stand beside him. As he closes the door he turns to me and giving me a reassuring smile says, “I usually bring Sarah here on my days off.”

“Oh?” I ask as he leads me to a nearby picnic table.

“Yeah,” His face turned melancholy as he continues, “Peggy… she loved this little park. Said that when she was better she wanted to bring Sarah here at least once a week.” His voice cracks and I grip tightly to his hand in reassurance. “So, I try to bring Sarah here as much as I can.”

“Are you sure you wanna share this place with me?” I ask setting the bag of food down onto the table. “I mean, this is something special for just you and Sarah. I don’t think I deserve to be a part of it.”

“I wanted to bring you here.” He says turning towards me his eyes meeting mine. “I was hoping I could share this place with you. I wanted today to be special because I wanted to finally tell you something. I put it off because I didn’t want to scare you. I want to tell you, but I want to hear what you have to tell me first.”

“Okay,” I say leaning into his chest. “We should sit, this is gonna be a long talk.”

As we sit I finally tell him everything about my childhood. He deserved to know the truth about what kind of person I was and what I had done. The more I went into detail the angrier his face got. I wanted to stop but I needed to him know. Tears fill my eyes the more I talk about it until I just let them cascade down my cheeks. When I finish I feel his big strong arms wrap around my neck and pull me in close. Burying my face in his chest I find myself able to let out all my emotions.

“I can’t believe it.” He says making my heart clench. Of course, he didn’t believe what I had done. He was Bucky’s friend after all. He had to have heard something about Richard.

“I’m a horrible person.” I say and he quickly pulls me away his brow furrowed.

“No, you’re not (Name).” He argues anger filling his eyes.

“But I got him killed.” I say as I try to catch my breath.

“No, you didn’t. From what you told me, Richard wanted to protect you. He loved you. To him, you were the most important thing in his world. You are not responsible for his death. It was an accident.”

“You sound just like Tony,” I scoff as I reach up to rub my eyes. “He told me something similar when I first met him.”

“He’s a good brother.” He adds rubbing my shoulders.

“Yeah, minus his man-whoring, he’s a really good guy.” I say suddenly feeling my heart becoming lighter. “Before you, he was the only one who didn’t sugar-coat things. Everyone else walks on eggshells around me.”

“How do you feel?” He asks reaching up to gently move a strand of hair out of my face.

“Surprisingly better.” I say letting out a sigh of relief. “I’ve never told anyone everything before.”

“I’m glad you told me.” He says rubbing my back. “I think I have some choice words I want to say to Bucky right now; but that can wait. Now,” He pauses reaching down to clasp my hands. “Do you want to go to the wedding, or do you want to go somewhere just the two of us?”

“As much as I want to go somewhere where there’s just you and me,” I pause as a blush covers my cheeks making him smile. “I made Rebecca a promise. As much as it’s going to be a royal test of my resolve. When I make a promise, I keep it.”

“Then I’ll be there with you every step of the way.” He says gently placing a kiss on my forehead. “And don’t worry about Bucky, if he says anything, I’ll sock him in the jaw.”

“No, they’ve been through enough. I don’t want to cause any more damage.”

“You won’t, I won’t let anything happen to you. I love you, (Name).” He says making my heart jump in my chest.

“You… You love me?” I ask happiness filling my body. He loved me. I didn’t know what to do or say. I was so happy but I couldn’t fight that all too familiar feeling of worry filling my body. I mentally shake my head and push those thoughts away. They weren’t about to ruin this moment for me.

“I do,” He answers his free hand moving up to gently cup my cheek. “I love you. You don’t have to say it back, at least not now. I don’t want to rush you. You just bared your heart to me, to ask anything more from you would be selfish.” I am about to reply when his stomach growls making me snort out a laugh. “Thanks man,”

“Oh, come on, that was cute.” I say laughing out loud.

“Cute huh?” He asks his hand falling to my lap.

“Yes, I think you need to feed him before he gets angry.” I reply turning back to the table so I could pull out the Styrofoam containers holding our food.

“Yes ma’am,”

Will Continue in -

Tags:

@learisa @lxdyred @elaacreditava @dugan365 @marvel-fanfiction @debzybrazy @nathallya @vibraniumass

#berjhawn #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #james bucky barnes #Bucky Barnes #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x reader #Steve Rogers #modern marvel au x reader #marvel x reader #marvel #marvel fanfiction #tony stark #howard stark #rebecca stark #james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader x steve #fanfiction

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ironbloodaika · 6 years

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Tagged Again

By @airebeam! XD She decided to tweaked the rules and have it be 20 things about yourself. I figured “Why not”? I don’t mind doing things like these with friends. :) In fact I love them. XD Thanks, Jenn! Hope these are pu to the standard you set with yours! XD

I grew out my hair around high school. It was mostly an attempt to impress a girl I had a crush on (she liked characters with long hair). It didn’t work out, but I kept it. Mostly due to the fact I enjoyed the look and partially cause no one confused me for my brother or dad again.

I’ve had stitches in my face three times: Once on my forehead between my eyebrows, once on my bottom lip, and once on my right eyebrow. The first left a scar I still have.

I was born with flat feet. In that I didn’t have ANY arch at all. Those have long since been corrected. I was in crutches for the better part of a year.

When I was a kid, my dream was to become a Power Ranger.

When I got older, my dream was to become a werewolf.

Also to get abducted by aliens.

When I was a kid I never got why Bastard was considered a bad word. It was only later I realized it was spelled “bastard” and not “bass turd”. I thought the insult was fish crap.

The farthest with a girl I’ve been in a relationship with was about second base. Technically 2 and a half.

I got bullied a lot as a kid for liking Sailor Moon and Powerpuff Girls. Apparently that was “gay”. It was that sorta shit that made me stop giving a shit about the opinions of assholes.

I never had an issue with Scrappy or Jar Jar Binks. In fact Phantom Menance got me into Star Wars.

When I was in High School, the Academic Bowl team I was on made it to State twice. Last time we got 2nd Place.

I’ve developed crushes on quite a few online friends.

I once punched a bully across the face on reflex after he startled me. For the next week or so I was getting stopped in the halls by people asking if I did it. When I confirmed, I got congratulated because apparently everyone else had issues with him too. Did not expect that.

I believe in God and identify as a Christian, but I stopped going to church after Same-Sex Marriages were legalized by the Supreme Court and my Church compared it to the church being “oppressed”. Since I had a lot of friends this decision impacted, I just got up and left. Didn’t come back after that.

Ever since my leg surgery I’ve stopped wearing shorts. No matter how hot it is, I still wear jeans.

Never been to a strip club, but always been curious about it.

I’m the most Liberal member of a Conservative family and it stresses me out like you wouldn’t believe.

I’m Autistic, but most wouldn't know it if they talked to me. It’s specifically Asperger’s. I was diagnosed around Middle School and took a lot of work to overcome some of my more limiting traits.

I was once literally stuck in an airport for an entire day out of state. Strangely enough, I didn’t panic once. I was mostly just bored.

When I was a little kid I hid from my family just so I didn’t have to go somewhere I didn’t want to. I really committed. They were just about to call the cops before they found me. I ended up going. :P

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saggy-tare-ious · 7 years

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The Signs I Know - Sag POV

aries - my 11 year old bro is an aries and we argue like there’s no fuckin tomorrow. he annoys me so fucking much. he gets angry a far bit. very defensive. if i joke around about his appearance or how he does something will jump down my throat and yell. needs to chill out. doesn’t always take a joke. depends on his mood. he LOVES history like holy shit. when he was younger would run around and get into everything. doesn’t really move as much now HAHAH. isn’t interested in sports. sensitive. is awkward? stands weirdly and doesn’t look people in the eye. looks up a lot. plays xbox a lot. changes his interests so much. loves everything to do with world war 1 and 2. freaks me out a bit. wants to be in the army himself. has big fits. can get violent. he also has to have the last fucking word. like even if it’s a grunt or a random nose. does. my. fucking. head. in. IS NOSY ASF. so clingy with my mum. wants a hug all the fucking time. will piss me off then 10 minutes later will come into my room and tell me he loves me. fuck off. i also know this aries guy and he is a massive fuckboy. maybe a good friend but is scum when it comes to a relationship.

taurus - ik two taurus. the first one is so stubborn and is such a fuckin asshole honestly. we dated for like 2 weeks, kill me. he eats so much no joke. goes to the canteen every. fucking. day. he loaded. doesn’t share...... sometimes he does tho. he will go to the canteen and come back with like 3 meat pies 4 sausage rolls a bag of lollies a soda and a chocolate milk and won’t fucking share. most of the time he doesn’t eat all of his food so instead of giving to me or others he throws it at our leo ranga friend HAHAHAH bless him. he’s so uptight. he’s like that homophobe dad. he talks shit so much. and when he gets caught will throw anyone under the bus if if they didn’t do shit just to get himself out of it. jealous. the other taurus ik is a girl and do not like her. she makes me cringe so so so much. she sings 24/7. it’s not like she’s bad it’s just we are in fucking mATHS. jesUS. she said one time that she is a white girl with A BLACK GIRLS BOOTY like wtaf. girl you ain’t shit. it’s also like she mistakes sc as musically. no one wants to see you lip sing to some shitty radio song....... ok ok ok she’s not all bad she is actually quite smart and a good singer just needs to sTop.

gemini - ik quite a biiiit of gemini’s. all the gemini guys ik are HUGE flirts. one of them is one of my best guy friends and honestly has a new girl each week. we get along so fucking easy. is a trouble maker at school with his other guy friends. does the most stupidest and funniest shit they do anything to annoy the teacher in some way. the aries fuckboy is apart of his group. he lets people walk all of him especially if they are a love interest. forgives too easily but will be mad for fucking ages and then forgive them. funny asf. doesn’t do too good at school is dropping out next year. but he is very smart just doesn’t try. i have another gemini bff but she is very possessive in a relationship. will do and drop everyone for her partner. her current realtionship is toxic. both good people buttttt she is too obsessed. she is adorable and get real good grades. very hardworking and tries her best. funny. parties 24/7. alcoholic. serious but not at the same time. reaaal good at writing. said she wanted to be a journalist. says she’s a vegan HHAHAH

cancer - another one of my guy friends is cancer and he is moody asfffff. so many stereotypes in this post HAHAH. but it’s fucking true. he can be such a fucking asshole. cold one minute hit the next. he is like an angry dad. he is cold and doesn’t speak too much. but he’s funny. would fuck. star wars obsessed and does nothing with his life but play xbox. doesn’t care too much about school. found out he likes me tho he doesn’t show it too much. but he has said to me that he hates it when the other guys in our group touch me etc so i guess he’s protective ? he copies other guys style and hair ? literally tried to be this guy at our school until someone called him out on it. reaalll good at guitar.

leo - ik two stone head, beautiful, would fuck leo’s and a ranga leo WHO IS HILARIOUS ASF. bless him too bits. the ranga is also in my group along with the cancer and taurus. he tries to be liked by everyone and does what everyone tells him to do just to be funny. will bully and abuse other people just to be funny and to be liked. he thinks he will be this big youtuber. he honestly changes how he is so much around his ‘friends’ who tell him to do the most stupidest shit just they don’t bully him. he is creative and good at art. doesn’t take his job serious at all. i mean it’s a fast food restaurant. but anyways he doesn’t take it serious. doesn’t get angry too much but when he does it’s scary. talks shit. two faced. pride is easily hurt.

virgo - she is a perfectionist honestly. doesn’t cross out or white out anything bc it will look messy. does drama and music. good at art. real good grades. kind of a serious person ? don’t know her too much.

libra - is the mum of the group like holy shit. an alcoholic mum more like it. will talk to a guy for a week then drop them bc she got bored. gets a lot of guys bet then doesn’t at the same time ? responsible af but parties all the time. so much like a mum. love her but then hate her. no where in between.

scorpio - my mum is a scorp. we argue all the fucking time. will talk for ages at the lady at the cash register. is STUCK IN THE FUCKING PAST. brings up everything from the past can’t get over it. like stfu i don’t want to hear it. real negative. complains all the time. judgement. acts like she does everything in the house. she doesn’t. also acts like my brother and i are 3 and are hard to look after. even tho we do everything she asks to do and practically stay in our rooms all the time. she has no friends. says she doesn’t need them. trust issues. gives out second chances even tho she says she doesn’t. needs to chill tf out. my scorpio guy friend is touchy asf. needs to know what a personal bubble is. judgmental asf. laughs at evrythiiiiing. we talk about people we hate together in maths.

sagittarius - i knooow soo manyyy sags. my dad included and i love him to bits. we hardly fight unlike my bro and mum, still love them thooo. he complains the whole time when going shopping probably the only time where i want to kick his head in. funny asf too bless him. afl fanatic. loves sports. real short. like 5”6. my two bff are sags one is sporty asf and sensitive the other parties all the time is quite distant ? the sporty one is honestly so fucking weird never met someone like her. hard to put her to words. she falls in ‘love’ easily too. well crushes easily. she literally fell in love with a guy at our school who she never talked to b he was real good at guitar. she’s veryyyh sensitive. need to be careful of what i say. she annoys me so fucking much. we argue a lot too. but i love her. the party animal one is adorable and kind of responsible? she’s like scared of getting in trouble and will avoid it at all costs. funny and sarcastic. stone head. plays netball. tried to go vegan. good ass eyebrows. they both do actually.

capricorn - dated 2 of them. both funny. one is now a massive stone head. kind of a drop kick now tbh. the other is so so so funny and sporty asf. real jealous. said he’s loved me since he was in yr 7. he’s a year older. but we’ve hardly ever spoke ? HAHAHAH we’ve had a convo here and there but i hardly know anything about him. would ask me out all time. i finally gave in when i was in yr 8. it could’ve actually lasted longer then it did. he isn’t a bad guy. but me being a sag freaked out and dumped him after 4 days HAHAHHA. he is cringy online. loveesss his lil sister.

aquarius - we talked not dated and i like him so much i even considered if i loved him. ew cringe ik. maybe i’ll do a post just for him ? HAHA i must find out his time of birth 🤔 anywaysss he is weird, like it’s like he tries to weird or different. again cliches ik. watches so much documentaries. can’t swallow pills. belives meat and pills will kill us. thanks to documentaries. said he was a vegan for a day. good at sports. has a job with the leo and takes it seriously. horNY ASF. will ask for nudes even after you say no. just want someone to fuck. funny kind of? Hahha. has like social anxiety. looks depressed all the time. won’t talk to anyone unless you do. but then again he doesn’t look interested the whole time and makes you feel like shit and says he doesn’t care about what you say bc it’s boring him ? but yet tells me borin ass things idc about either but i listen and look interested ? HAHAH KILL ME. doesnt try too much in school unless he has no friends in that class. good at maths. says he doesn’t care all the time. SO FUCKING SENSITIVE AND A CRY BABY

pisces - my bff is a pisces and i love her to bits. we would never admit this to each other tho. she laughs a lot, which i like bc she laughs at everything i say and do. sensitive. popular. social. literally cannot go a week without going somewhere. hates to be by herself. doesnt try at school which pisses me off so much as i’m a try hard who gets straight a’s HAHAH. i often wonder wtf she will do with her life. good at art. creative. good music taste and style. we have the SAME humour. every guy loves her ass. can’t order her own food. has been diagnosed with depression when she was younger. it’s hard for to get things car both question if she has dyslexia. my best guy friend is also a pisces. he is real fucking sensitive. lost a shit ton of weight. i wonder daily if he eats. looks depressed asf. will let you speak. puts up with my questions about life and tries to answer them the best he can. we talk about whatever tbh. found out he likes me. wouldn’t go there. he is like a brother. bless him. used to be a big fucking asshole but has grown up a bit. has random knowledge about random things. on his phone and listening to music all the time. plays the bass. honestly reminds me of dan howell and suga.

======

first post. just getting into astrology. well i’ve known about astrology and my chart for about 3 years but only now am i actually ‘delving into it’ ? don’t expect much HAHAH

#sag #sagittarius #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #sagsun #sun #astrology #astronomy #astro

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oodlyenough · 7 years

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kali watches iron fist so you don’t have to: 1.01-1.03

i’m watching iron fist for two main reasons, the first being that i’m going to watch the defenders and i have a compulsive need to Know Everything, and the second combined reason being that i wanna see colleen and claire. that’s ... pretty much it. for the record, though, as much as i may have gone into this anticipating that i would not like it based on the reviews, it’s not like i actively want to hate it -- i would very much like to not be bored by all of danny’s stuff in defenders, i would much prefer to be invested in all 4 of the leads and to feel like this dude is worthy of hanging around jessica, matt and luke, all of whom i adore.

but here we are. so. if you wanted to know the basics but don’t want to watch, episodes 1-3:

my first overall impression of this show is that the reviews were more or less correct: the characters aren’t that compelling, the pacing is boring, the fight scenes (there’s been... like...... 3 so far) are nothing special.

the cast of characters:

danny is probably supposed to be perceived as sweetly naive, but is mainly infuriatingly oblivious. he frequently ignores the requests of women and laughs at them when they express that they feel threatened by them. “i’m not dangerous!” he insists quite often for a guy who, when angry, lashes out violently.

when he first meets colleen, he speaks mandarin to her unprompted. yeah.

marvel is no stranger to the “white guy you hate to love” trope, so it’s weird how much they missed the mark with danny. like, on the face of it, he shouldn’t be that much less likable than someone like tony stark, and yet. And Yet. there’s just not a lot going on here: humour or charm or warmth or ...anything, really.

colleen wing runs a dojo and at this point really just wants to live her life but fucking danny won’t leave her alone. i like colleen, but so far she hasn’t been given a lot to do besides be shown up by danny, who explains dojo custom to her, shows her how to fight better (yes, really) and flagrantly ignores her wishes at every turn. she is at this point just about danny’s only ally. free her.

colleen also participates in a fight club where she wins money... because she uses the trick danny taught her. where would we be without him?

brother and sister dynamic duo ward & joy meachum used to be danny’s childhood “friends”, and i use air quotes because in the early flashbacks we see, “friend” is probably the wrong word. more accurately they were danny’s babysitters slash bullies.

ward is a moustache-twirling bully maybe 5 years danny’s senior who obviously gave danny swirlies. canonically we are told he used to lock danny in the freezer. we see a flashback of him playing monopoly with danny, where he angrily tells danny that his dad says “rules are for PUSSIES” and knocks the tokens off the board and then tattles to the parents that danny is misbehaving five seconds later.

joy is supposed to be the nice one, i guess. joy is actually pretty horrible in these 3 episodes, like everyone else on the show, but ostensibly she is “the nice meachum”, whereby nice means “doesn’t lock children in freezers, probably”. i suspect her arc will be learning her family secrets and defecting to some kind of redemption arc, but she literally auctions off a human being’s liver for political gain, so, that redemption is gonna be a tough sell.

henry or harry or something meachum is the patriarch puppetmaster of this horrible clan, and he is “dead”. except he isn’t dead, he lives in a secret penthouse that he can’t leave for fear of reprisal from the Hand, and only his son and his manservant know he’s alive. joy believes he is dead. why all of this is true is part of the mystery of the show, i think, but i also zone out every time henry and ward have scenes because they are both boring people, so it’s hard to say for sure.

jeri hogarth from jessica jones fame is a long-lost family friend of danny, and the first person to easily believe he is danny rand because he tells her some anecdotes from the start of her career as a law intern at rand enterprises. (rand... corp? rand co? whatever.) she puts danny up in a BEAUTIFUL apartment she just happens to have lying around. danny takes his high-threadcount sheet and sleeps on the floor.

the basic plot of these episodes is this:

danny rand arrives in new york looking like he is homeless, walks into the giant building that bears his family name, and announces to everyone that this is his building and he is danny rand. no one believes him, because danny rand is supposed to have died 15 years ago, and also he seemingly hasn’t showered in, like, a decade.

he decides the way to convince people of his real identity is to beat up a bunch of security guards and force his way into the building. at this point you see that it is a plot necessity for danny to be white, because if he was not white and, as a seemingly homeless person, attacked a bunch of rich people, he would probably already have been killed by police like 15 minutes into the pilot

he also breaks into someone’s house.

nobody believes danny is danny. that is essentially the plot of the first 2 episodes in their entirety.

danny also spends the first two episodes living on the streets, by which i mean meditating under a tree in the in-between scenes. the local other homeless people reach out to him, and he has these weird moments of “haha oh i’m not actually one of you!!” and the other homeless people sort of pityingly tell him where he can get shoes.

he doesn’t wear shoes for like two episodes. everyone asks him to put on shoes: the meachums, colleen, fellow homeless people

one of his homeless pals has an iphone (stolen) and explains that it will have data briefly before the original owner cancels the contract. danny’s first act confronted with the internet is to vanity google “danny rand”

through this he learns that everyone believes he died in the plane crash that killed his parents, and that his parents’ company, “Rand”, is now run by family friends the meachum siblings.

claiming to not believe him, the meachum siblings conspire to drug danny and send him to some kind of psych ward which seems to just kidnap homeless people, diagnose and drug them. what follows is about an episode’s worth of danny being strapped to a bed and drugged while we do the “i AM danny rand” “no you’re not” argument repeatedly.

this includes joy mailing him some M&Ms and danny mailing her back only the brown ones, which joy considers incontrovertible proof this is Really Danny, since apparently as children they both refused to eat brown M&Ms even though literally every colour of M&M tastes exactly the same. ward convinces her this is just a crazy coincidence~~~

i am assuming based on their treatment of danny, as well as the weird meachum-family livestream in the hospital rooms, that this hospital place isn’t legitimate, but its real raison d’etre has yet to be explained and may never be.

danny finally manages to balance his chi (really), which allows him to activtae his glow-y fist superpower and break out of the psych ward. he shows up at colleen’s house and somehow convinces her to let him stay the night, promising he’ll leave the next day.

some goons come looking for him, colleen kicks their asses, and the next day danny refuses to leave, because he needs to “protect” her. colleen says she doesn’t need protection, fuck you very much, and they have a friendly spar match to prove that Actually danny is better at martial arts than she is.

he promises to pay her a year’s worth of rent if she’ll just let him stay for one week. “you don’t have any money” says colleen to a man who hasn’t worn shoes in two episodes. “of course i have money i’m danny rand!!!” says danny, who i guess thinks he can just walk into any bank and demand a billion dollars on the honour system. colleen relents, because she wants money.

danny shows up at joy’s house to try and make nice with her, and what follows is kind of baffling. it was also obvious from the start that joy meachum thinks danny might actually be danny rand, and she feels sort of bad about how she and her brother conspire to kidnap, drug and gaslight him, yet her apology is... to offer him $40m to fuck off, change his name and never lay claim to his family’s corporation.

like, to be clear, danny is pretty uninteresting and not especially sympathetic on account of how he talks over all the women in his life and has no significant redeeming traits, but he’s still drugged and ends up held in a “psych ward” strapped to a bed and forcefed sedatives while everyone tells him he’s insane, and joy’s reaction to all of this is kind of a shrug, because she and her brother Worked Hard For The MoneyTM and don’t want to share it with some jackass who had the audacity to be in a plane crash as a child

danny steals a children’s craft he made for her when they were kids, lawyers up, and threatens to take them to court for his shares in the company. he then follows ward home, where he discovers that the meachum patriarch is actually still alive, right before being shoved out a window, Game of Thrones style.

RIP iron fist

it probably sounds like i’m kidding. that’s seriously what happens. if only the series just ended now.

#kali watches iron fist

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livefastdiepretty723 · 7 years

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reasons.

THIRTEEN REASONS WHY…well it ended up being 14

If I had to list thirteen 14 reasons, may they be events, people, or things as to why I committed suicide would I? Do I have to give an explanation as to why I did it; do I owe everyone around me an explanation? If I did it, especially in the mindset I’m in right now I wouldn’t give a flying fuck about giving any one an explanation.

I’ve watched the Netflix series, it definitely made me think and wonder what would happen if my thoughts drove me to actual do it. I’ve thought about it many times, in many different ways. I’ve tried but haven’t been successful. Let that sink it, it might come as a shock to some of you, and others it might not. I don’t communicate my feelings a lot because I don’t want to be a burden, I usually get the urge to spill my guts at 2-3 in the morning, I get told I’m being ridiculous and things aren’t that bad (yup, my own mother told me that once… this was after asking for therapy which she used to drag me to when I wanted nothing to do with it… and was later diagnosed with clinical depression), or the worst thing you can tell someone (in my opinion) is it will get better, I’m still waiting it’s been years and hasn’t gotten better.

In no particular order, here are my reasons.

Miranda; my ex best friend (that’s if I was ever really your friend)

You manipulated me like a puppet, used me for whatever would benefit you and lied to me about so many things. Hell you forced me into having sex with someone when I didn’t want to. I don’t like to think about that, and if you ask me most of the time I claim that another guy was my first time. Must have been hard to keep up a lie, you didn’t live in the house that you were dropped off at by the bus, you lived in the trailer park next door to it, the guy that owned that house dated your mom, you constantly bullied your mom for money and to get your way. I should have realized this early on, but I was stupid and didn’t want to believe it. I knew better, instead of saying something I started acting like that too. But guess what, that shit didn’t fly in my house. I got in trouble or I had to work for the money I wanted. I’m glad I got away from you, you were toxic. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have made it through high school, and definitely not to the four year school I graduated from. I would love to delete our friendship from my life, it hurt me mentally and emotionally, it hurt my education, and I shouldn’t have been friends with one of the biggest bullies on the school bus.

The school bus bullies (I don’t care to remember most of their names, but I know the faces when I see them out.)

Sorry my teeth weren’t proportionate to my mouth for the longest time. Excuse me for having glasses and braces. Now my teeth are straight and I constantly get compliments on my smile (if and when I smile, I’ve got frown lines versus smile lines). I loathe wearing glasses out of the house because of the stigma you gave me about glasses. Sorry I didn’t have a boyfriend in middle, or high school and I wouldn’t settle for some random guy I wasn’t remotely attracted to. But guess what? That gave you no right to call me a lesbian. Sorry I have smaller breasts, still do now. But when you all have saggy breasts because you have bigger boobs than me, mine won’t be as saggy. I kept to myself but that made me stupid or whatever else you decided to call me.

Brett

You lying sack of shit, was anything you ever told me the truth? You let me look like a fool for way too long. I cared, but I doubt you ever did. Was it revenge from how our friendship started because I picked someone else to date but remained “friends” with you? I ended up dating you, hooking up with you too soon and believing the lies. I guess I��m the dummy here. I cared about you; I spiraled into a depression at the hand of your lies. Your lack of communication that you blamed on the military (yes, I get there are times when it’s few and far between…but not when your stateside), you promising to come out for Easter and then going ghost and never showing up. My pining for a liar like you, whom I was asked how I’d find out if something happened to you (because the last time I spoke to you, you were deploying, did you really? Or did you just pcs to Germany? I’ll never know but I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire). I found out, well my tumblr friends and I found out. I emailed your wife, who didn’t want to believe what I told her. Only to admit a few days later that you had indeed done this before. I guess I was the lucky one, the one that wasn’t married to you. But my trust in men, shot to shit along with my belief in love.

Ryan

Mister you could stand to lose a few pounds, why didn’t I turn run and collect two hundred dollars for passing go? Oh that’s right my bloody ability to have to see the best in the worst people. Yes, we hung out once… And a few weeks later he tells me that on the phone. I stuck around for a whole deployment… Only to be told hey this isn’t going to work out. And then asked well I’m going to be back home we can hook up when I’m in town… EXCUSE YOU? HELL TO THE NO NO NO NO. And that was the end of that, but that douchebag comment did send me into a work out and weigh loss craze. Which lasted for 2 ½ or 3 years until I fell off the wagon which was around the time I went to the ECU/Navy game and hurricane Sandy caused it to be too cold and rainy for me to find the motivation to go to the gym.

John

The artist formally known as dude… I hate that I’m putting you on this list, because I can honestly say I love you. I’m always going to love you. I had never really put my heart before my head until you. You received me, after all the aforementioned shit dented and dinged me. I began to believe in the idea of love again, I felt comfortable in my own skin around you. I saw a future with you, regardless of your flaws and quirks. I fought for years to win that title with you but guess what never came? That title you passed me up for LYDIA. (Her name makes me cringe, I know about her but does she know about me?) I could out you and your secrets (not just me but your other escapades) to her, but you know what keeps me from that? The fact that you’d completely cut me out of your life if I did. We haven’t spoken in months, I thought when I started seeing Matt again I was over you and that was the beginning of the end of the communication. You told me you loved me, did/do you? I said it but I meant it, even though you might not deserve it. You told me you’d always be there for me, are you? I’d take a bullet for your ass, I’ve walked thorough a mental hell because I care about you, I can’t seem to move on because I care about you. I’m reminded of you constantly, if I have a bad day do you know who I want, you. I’ll always love you but I’ll always hate that you did me the way you did, picked her over me, kept me around and told me I had competition (when it wasn’t even a fair one).

Andrea

Yup, you’re here on this list too. But it makes me the bitter single girl for doing it, doesn’t it? You talked about me being mad at you behind my back when you could have confronted me about it mere feet away. I’m not mad at you for having a boyfriend, but I’m damn fed up with you constantly talking about him, you and him and nothing else. Hell NO one can talk about anything else in their lives without you switching the conversation topic back to you. Before Christmas I would have loved to have heard more about Lindsay’s upcoming trip to Europe. The late(almost a month late) birthday lunch I would have really enjoyed talking about Staci’s baby and her new house, nope. I’ve heard the story about BJ’s and how his mom doesn’t tip well one too many times. It was cold, I was tired, I dreaded going to work and I knew I’d hear the same stuff sorry I looked miserable. I can’t say anything because I’m being bitchy or the spiteful single girl. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel as if I’ve lost a friend, I feel like I can’t communicate with you like I used to, I can’t just on whim ask if you wanna go shop or grab dinner. I’m second fiddle. I don’t understand it, I’ve never been one to completely absorb myself in a man, I still make time for friends. And that “so much for a best friend” comment really hurts. I’m here, quiet and battling my own inner demons but I’d still like to be your friend but it seems as if I don’t matter.

The douche canoes that yelled “you’re too fat to be that tan”

Grow up, and think before you speak. Some people can let that roll off their shoulders after the initial sting has gone away. I’m not one of those people, I dwell on it. Hell you said that when I was on the way to me being the smallest I’d ever been. So you would have loved to yell something like go eat another Twinkie fat ass to me a few months ago, when all these people kept asking me “are you expecting?” , “when are you due” etc…. NOT COOL either. I dwell on this shit, I take it to heart, it hurts. I have little to no self confidence, and people wonder why. If this list hasn’t revealed part of why… then you need to re-read it.

My parents

You had no problem dragging me to therapy in late middle school/ early high school. Grounding me left and right, and telling me that I was being a baby for crying. Expressing verbally emotional shit isn’t my thing I still suck at it, to this day so yes there will be tears, get over it. When I was still on your health insurance I thought it was the proper thing to do by asking if I could go to therapy. Because one I couldn’t afford it on my own, and two it was your insurance. I got told I was having a bad day or week, with you knowing full well I was diagnosed clinically depressed? My dad favors my brother, and gives him whatever he wants, it hurts. I have to bust my ass and plead my case for stuff. And this past Christmas (Christmases are hard for me, it brings out the worst in my depression…) my mother telling me that my want to die was ridiculous and that I needed to stop. I’m not being ridiculous, its how I feel. Waking up and living is a chore, it shouldn’t be that way. I rarely enjoy life. And yes I love sleep and I value it, but I’d think most people would realize it’s not ok to stay in bed all day. One day I might not find the will to live anymore and you’ll find me dead in bed.

Kayla

I’m your convenience friend now. I won’t fight for a spot in your life anymore. Either you want me around or you don’t. Friends don’t get too busy for other friends. And friends don’t make other friends feel lesser because of some of the things you’ve made me feel that way about. If your still mad about the beach, I’m not apologizing it was 5 years ago, you got your money at the end of the trip. It’s not like I left you out hundreds of dollars. So enjoy your other friends, the ones with grown up jobs, fat bank accounts, normal schedules and fake smiles when I’m around. I won’t fight to be in your life anymore. Enjoy your super busy life, with work, jaycees (aren’t those friends you pay to have?) and your brother. I’ll be over here working my lame job, existing in my boring life until I decide I can’t anymore.

My being burnt out and over school in general

I was sick of school, I wanted out and when I should have stayed and swapped majors until I found the right one I didn’t… I finished up a degree program and graduated. Why besides being burnt out, my dad put the fear of god in me about not becoming a professional student. 7 years post graduation guess who hasn’t once used her degree and has no clue what she’d return to school for, this girl. I’ve toyed with ideas but I haven’t nailed anything down, partly out of fear of the same thing happening and partly because I really want to know. I would love a rewarding job, a job that gave me the ability to move out, and to travel as much as I’d like to where ever my heart desired. I fear that’s never going to happen. What do I want to be when I grow up?

My clinical depression and anxiety – do I really have to explain that?

Matt

Also known as poopyhead hoodie ruiner or poopyhead for short. You ghosted me, for what and why? The last time I saw you things seemed fine. Was it the fact that you weren’t ready for a full blown relationship, or was it that you weren’t over your baby momma who clearly has moved on. I accepted and got over my fear of you having a child, and wanted to get to know your daughter. A chance I never got, just like that explanation I’ll never get. I put the fact that the whole summer we talked you were out of a job, and looking, most girls would have ran at that idea and the kid thing. I didn’t. Was this revenge for 2014 when I thought I was ready to move on from John (who I still care about now in 2017) and you wanted the serious kind of relationship and I didn’t want to so much as think about kissing? I let you drive my Camaro for heaven’s sake… NO ONE DRIVES THE CAMARO. I drove a hour to see you any time we hung out, I’d do little things for you just because I wanted to. I was proud of you when you landed your job even though I knew that was less time for me, and more time for the job. I was willing to be patient and let you get used to that schedule and your time with your daughter. But instead of an adult explanation, I got nothing, no texts, no phone calls, no return emails. No picks in our pick em group which you talked so much shit going into, I’m the champ thank you. I want to know what I did or didn’t do so I don’t do it again. I’m so sick of NO explanation from men, hell boys because that’s what yall act like. I thought you’d want someone who wanted to be around, who was ok with your daughter, and loved sports. I thought wrong, and GTHC!

Liz

Miss sickeningly fake sweet my old office manager. You’re the reason I quit that job, along with the pay, the fact you caused me anxiety, and wouldn’t let me do much. You fussed because you had no one to help you do all these things you had to do. Well when I took the job you weren’t office manager you were on my level. I was promised to be cross trained that never happened. You stopped letting me answer the phone because I hadn’t got the script down. You wouldn’t teach me anything about the computer system, so I could assist in entry of data. I never learned the new patient paperwork because you wouldn’t give that responsibility up to me. If I didn’t do everything the way you thought it was done you were fussing. And that passive aggressive memo you sent out a few months prior to me leaving, about hair color, we all knew was about me. The doctor who we worked for had no issue, you had purple black hair so I don’t get why my peekaboo purple streaks was an issue. Oh wait, it’s because everyone loved it, and you were just the frump that sat up front. I see patients out and they miss me. A lot of them want me to come back, I would if you weren’t there, I got paid more and had more stuff to do besides file outdated paper work, develop x-rays, run charts, and hook people up to therapies or run them through exercises. And going over resumes during my two weeks notice (that I couldn’t even wait until lunch the day I gave it, I gave it the second I walked in the door that morning. And I definitely wasn’t giving it to you, you would have asked too many damn questions and been rash) that hurt, and that made me feel like a nothing, more of a nothing than I felt before. I love the doctor, I’d work for him again, not you. And the shit you say and how you say it to him most people wouldn’t still have a job. I had a patient I bumped into say something similar to it, just like she said “I’d love to give that bitch a beer and a midol” some days. You still haven’t replaced me, which only adds to your work load. If you had let me help and not made me feel so damn insignificant I might still be there. And before some of y’all say why didn’t you say something, working in an office with one doctor, 2 therapists, myself and her it’s hard to say anything without your life being miserable because it would have been had I said something. That’s if the doctor could have helped fix that issue.

Management at Old Navy (the clique)

You make my life miserable, and you want to say that it’s the “we hate the customer” attitude that the staff has. I don’t hate the customers, well 95% of them I don’t there are some that have reputations and I do. Alex, you’re the biggest offender here. Your blatant favoritism and racism yes I said it. Has poisoned the veins of our store, I’m not the only one that feels this way. You won’t work with certain people’s schedules but yet this new girl transfers in and you let her make her schedule and praise her to the heavens. All you care about is old navy cards and emails so you can get your precious bonus money… NO. Customer service needs to be key, it never will be. I even had a customer tell me that when I asked for her email “we need to focus more on the customer service aspect than we do the emails and cards”. You guaranteeing someone who can only run a register, 30 plus hours a week versus me and a couple other people who get cards, can do signs, markdowns, shipment and counting who sometimes barely scrap up 20. BULLSHIT. You and your little clique sitting in the office talking or standing out on the sales floor cackling. Not professional. Those snide comments aren’t professional either. Calling well doing the web version of gap code was a fucking joke. They didn’t do shit! Hell I wrote the damn district manager to address this shit; she came in and talked to the store manager. Has he addressed it, if he did you the main issue weren’t there to hear it. Props to her for coming in and addressing! The double standards in the store are BULLSHIT. And some people need to stop constantly using their phones for personal use on company time. Get off your ass and do something to help the rest of us out. Don’t take up my time and company time to talk to your kids at night when you could do that on break or when you get home since its five minutes from work. You can’t multitask and get what you need to get done so we’re still there even later wasting company time. Nope, I quit that shit; I won’t close with you on your night. I’ll suffer through the other nights. Pulling someone in the office when they’re keeping to themselves and doing their job because they’re having a bad day to tell them if they don’t drop the attitude you’re going to send them home is rude. It’s okay karma will get you all one day, or as y’all like to say “GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY” well you need to reevaluate that one since you don’t seem to be perfect or being very nice. Since half of the good people are ready to walk. I might, if I get this other job. I probably won’t have a choice since you won’t work with other peoples work schedules.

I’m sure I could come up with other reasons as to why… but I’m blanking out and starting to babble. These are some of the biggest reasons I struggle on a daily basis and have contemplated and/or attempted to end my life.

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pugs-and-cupcakes · 7 years

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What Silence Holds Part 2

Finally part 2 "Wake up, Jai. You have therapy today." Beau sing-songed to his sleeping brother. Jai groaned. It had been a week since he got out of the hospital. He felt like he was perfectly okay. Maybe a little sad, but being a little sad didn't require therapy. He was fine. The Australian boy rolled out of bed and walked downstairs for breakfast. He stopped short, however, when he saw his twin brother eating a bowl of cereal. Things had been tense between them for the past week. It's not exactly easy for someone to walk in on someone mid-suicide attempt, but Luke had walked in on his own twin brother. Jai actually was beginning to think that Luke was avoiding him because of what happened. Jai smiled and tried to make eye contact, but Luke looked away. It was also the moment that Beau decided to walk into the room. "Hurry up and eat breakfast Jai, we have to leave pretty soon." Beau ordered him. Jai stood there unmovingly. Luke pretty much hated him right now, and he was expected to go to therapy on top of that. He had suddenly lost his appetite. "You know what? I'm not really hungry. I'm just going to get ready." He had started to walk off, but Luke stopped him. "Just eat something. Please. After what happened a week ago, you owe us that much." Luke begged. Jai looked down guiltily. Luke just had to throw that in his face. It wasn't like he had an eating disorder or anything, so he didn't see a problem in not eating breakfast one day. He chose to make his brothers happy instead of pointing out the obvious. - Beau pulled up to a secluded building on the opposite end of town. Jai had to chuckle at the irony of it. Far away so no one knows how crazy you truly are, he thought to himself. Beau gave him a strange look, but chose to let the subject drop. "Jai, I know you hate having to do this, but it's for your own good. We came really close to losing you last week. We can't let that happen again. If not for your own sake then for Luke's. Seeing you like that absolutely destroyed him." "Ok." Jai mumbled although on the inside he was screaming. He did not need therapy. If Luke was so affected by it, then why wasn't he the one going to therapy? Jai slowly opened the car door and approached the building. He did not want to do this at all. He opened the door and walked up to the receptionist. "Umm. Jai Brooks?" He mumbled not sure how to sign in. The receptionist nodded at him and told him to take a seat. 10 minutes later a door opened and he was called back. He folded a tall man to a room where his torture would begin. Inside he was met with a woman with brown hair, green eyes, and looked to be about 40. "Jye, come on it!" She greeted pleasantly. "You can call me Susan." "It's actually pronounced Jai." Jai corrected her. She was quick to apologize. "I'm sorry. Take a seat and we'll begin." Jai complied. "So why don't we start off with talking about why you're here today." Susan suggested. "Because my idiot brothers made me." Jai quips. "Sarcastic I see. Well, I see here that you were recently in the hospital for an overdose. Tell me about that." "There's nothing really to tell. I tried to swallow a bottle of pills and my twin interrupted me." "What's your twin's name? I like to refer to names in this room to make it more real to my patients." "His name is Luke." "How is your relationship with Luke since he stopped you?" "It's been not so good. He can't look at me anymore....you know what? This is stupid! I don't need therapy. Can I just leave now?" "Listen Jai. You may feel like you're alone. You may feel like no one can help you. You may feel like it would be for the best if you just died. Truth is none of that is true. You're extremely depressed. Even without the suicide attempt, I can tell with one look on your face. You are right about one thing though. No one can help you. That is no one can help you unless you want them to and accept it. So, if you're ready for help I'm all ears. Just let me know when we can start." "Ok..." Jai was shocked by Susan's bold words and decided to open up to her about everything. All of the things he's been hiding from his brothers. The hate from his fans. And even his own insecurities. "That was a great session, Jai. I would like to place you on an antidepressant, though. I feel like you really need it. Also, I have homework for you." "Homework?" Jai asked. "Yes, I want you to speak with Luke and get everything out in the open. It's obvious you have a close bond, so don't let this ruin that." - When Jai walked out of that room he was a changed man. He wasn't magically better, but he was ready to start the long road to recovery. According to Susan, that started with Luke. He would never get better without a support system, and Luke was the person closest to him. He couldn't let his depression destroy their bond. When he arrived home, he quickly found Luke in his room editing videos. "Hey." He greeted, startling the poor camera nerd. "Oh hey...how was therapy?" Luke asked hesitantly. "I got diagnosed with severe depression." "What?!" Luke interrupted. "Are you going to be okay? I-" "Luke, calm down." Jai ordered. Secretly, he thought it was funny that Luke was getting so freaked out. "Susan, my therapist, is putting me on mess for it. She also told me it would be a good idea for us to, you know, talk it out...about the s-suicide attempt." "Look, Jai, I'm cool with it if you don't want to talk about it." "No you're not!" Jai snapped. "You've been distant for a week now. I'm sorry you had to walk in on that. I never meant for you to see that. I wished you would have never had to experience that." "Are you apologizing for doing it or the fact I stopped you?" Luke's question brought a heavy silence to the room. Jai couldn't speak. He knew his answer, but he also knew it would absolutely destroy Luke. But, Luke knew him. His silence was all the answer Luke needed. "Oh my god! You-you're upset I stopped you." Jai was still at a loss of words, and Luke's gasp only made him feel worse. "Yes." He mumbled out, but it was loud enough for Luke to hear him. "What the- Jai! Do we need to place you back on suicide watch? I can't lose you. I just can't. I know it may seem like I don't care sometimes, but-" Luke cut himself off with a loud cry. Jai watched as his older twin broke down in harsh heat-shattering sobs. He was always the one who cried, Luke was more prone to angry-outbursts when he was upset. Jai rushed to his twin and hugged him, letting his twin cry into his chest. "Shh. It's ok, Luke. I'm not going anywhere. I still feel suicidal, but I want go get better. I can't put you through that again. I refuse to let it reach that point ever again. I love you too much to hurt you like that ever again." Jai comforted his twin. "Why?" Luke choked out. "Why do you want to die and leave me?" Jai froze, then hugged Luke even harder if that was possible. "There's a lot I never told you, Luke. A lot I don't even think I can talk about without completely breaking." Jai chuckled darkly. Luke's eyes were wide, what was his brother going through. "So that's it? You're never going to tell me?" Luke questioned. "No." Jai sighed. "I'll tell you eventually. Just not when I'm this vulnerable. I don't want to do anything else that will make you cry." "Oh." Luke let out with fresh tears forming in his eyes. He didn't realize things had been so bad for Jai. "There's something else you should know, though." Jai let out hesitantly. "You know how I never really wear short shorts or strip like the rest of you do?" "Yea, why?" Luke was confused, how was that relevant? Jai smiled at his confusion, but it didn't meet his eyes. He slowly released his brother and took his pants off. Then, Luke realized what he had been missing. Scars. There were red, white, and pink scars all over Jai's thighs that were in various stages of healing. How had he never noticed? "This...I swear I wanted to tell you, but I never knew how. Then, we did that TwinTalkTime video on bullying and self-harm and I knew based on your reaction to the topic that I couldn't possibly tell you something this big. I knew I would just hurt you in the end." Jai rambled. He was growing more and more uncomfortable the longer Luke stared at his scars. Luke slowly reached his hand out and touched one with the tip of his finger. "Jai," he breathed out, "NEVER think you can't tell me something. You can always tell me anything, no matter how much you think it'll hurt me. Honestly, it hurts more knowing you kept this from me for years then actually knowing about it. I love you, and I'll always be here for you." "Love you, too. And I'm sorry for everything." "Don't be. By the way, this won't be happening anymore," Luke says with authority in his tone and gestures to Jai's thighs, "because now that I know about this...you won't be alone to deal with it on your own anymore. I'll make sure of that." Jai gulped. They would be ok. It would probably be a rocky road to recovery, but as long as he had Luke then he would make it. Wow. I think this is the longest one shot I've ever written. (Maybe....I write a lot on fanfiction.net too under a different username) honestly, even if no one else liked it, I'm proud. I'm also thinking of eventually making this into a multi-chapter book. I didn't expect this to turn out the way it did. Be sure to subscribe/ follow me so you don't miss that.

#jai brooks #janoskians #luke brooks #beau brooks #brooks brothers #fanfic #self harm #suicide attempt #aftermath #youtube #therapy #twins #brothers #crying #tears #secrets #depression #mental health #comfort

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brodie-483 · 4 years

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I feel like these days, I'm filled with so much fucking anger, frustration, stress and rage. I see so much fucking ignorance in the world. So much ignorance and racism, lack of understanding and lack of education. I'm so tired, so fucking tired of being made the blame. My people being blamed. And for what? FOR WHAT? We can't just sit down anymore and let racism, depression, mental illness, death, injustice, abuse, harassment and oppression continue on in our lives while the Government sweep us underneath the carpet anymore either. So many people, so so many just don't understand what torture we have gone through because of our skin colour and where we're from.

I went through most of my childhood witnessing firsthand how the corruption in the police and government would go on and on and on and on. That all came from seeing my own brother and father go through that level of abuse on a regular basis, especially my own father. He copped a lot of abuse, racism, torture, attacks, harassment, humilation, embarrassment and violation from those who swore a sacred oath to protect and serve the community. I do admit, yes, he suffered his own demons. He was an alcoholic, a serial drug addict, homeless quite a lot, living in the streets.... but he also suffered mental illness. He was officially diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and estranged delusions disorder. He did time in one of the toughest prisons in Australia, where they practically made him a slave. They would make him work to the bone, til sweat and blood would pour out for very little wage. And meanwhile, the guards would give beating sessions and take him into private rooms to take turns in beating him. He became used to an institutionalised lifestyle, even at home, on the streets, anywhere.

He copped just as much on the outside, even worse than he did inside:

Now imagine you're 7 years old, your dad picks you up from school and you're both walking home, talking, asking how the day was, how studying is going, what you've been learning. And while all this is happening, we see police drive pass us slowly, real slow down the street. Then they come back around and do it again, they drive slowly as they death stare at my father and I. They do this a few more times until eventually, they stop in front of us. They hop out, ordering my dad to put his hands on the hood of the car. He asks "what did i do? I'm just taking my son home officer." Then they yell "shut the fuck up, coon dog and put your disgusting hands on the car NOW." Meanwhile, they have their hands on their holsters either on a taser or their gun preparing for the worst. So my dad cooperates, he does what they say. They then slam his head down hitting the car when they cuff him up. He's trying to say "what the fuck is this? I'm just taking my son home." They just tell him to shut the fuck up and they look at me, telling me to stand on the fence where they would rub and rough up my hair. Then they start to search him, checking and feeling every inch of his body. Trying to find anything, any excuse or reason to lock him up or worse, give him a beating.

He too had copped quite a lot of beatings from the police. They would randomly pick him up, throw him in the back and they would take him out to the bush. There, they would use him as "practice" or "punching bag", a disgraceful way of letting out their frustrations onto a man who did not matter to them one bit because he and his family were victims of the Stolen Generations. Him and his brothers were taken away by police and placed into disgusting foster homes for the Half-Caste Indigenous Youth.

I grew at such a very young age knowing just how cruel and disgusting the world really is. Because of his mental illness and drug habits, sometimes he would have psychotic breakdowns. Therefore my family would have no choice but to call an ambulance to take him to get support and help. That was the main plan, but what we got was not right nor expected. Police coming to our door, telling the ambulance that they have the situation under control. Then from there, they would order us all outside to the back yard. Where they tackled my dad, threw him down onto the ground. They would then pound, beat, stomp, strangle, choke and even spit onto my father. Calling him "filthy black dog, ape, coon, abo, creamy, animal." Even using Yellow Pages phone books, cuffing him and making him sit on his hands and knees while they would whack into his arms and back. They did this so there wouldn't show any signs of bruising or blood drawn but brutal enough for bones to be broken and sprained. So that way if we ever tried to take it to the courts, there would appear to be no physical evidence of brutality. While they would do this, they would point a gun at my older brother and mother and even a taser at me, an 8 year old boy.

Now, I got so used to seeing my father get abused and attacked but every time I saw it, it was a nightmare come to life. Watching my own dad get beaten and broken down at the hands of Authority. I remember one time they tried to do it, and I ran in front of them telling them to leave my daddy alone. I cuddled into him, hoping that they would stop. But you know what they did? They ordered my mum to grab me and pull me off or they would "give a proper fatherly discipline to the little creamy half breed mutt." So, she and my brother would have to pull me away. Even they would turn to my mother, calling her "ape fucker, boong lover, coon sucker." Such disgusting terms to insult to a woman trying to protect her family. They would order us to watch as they would bash into him, but my mum tried to cover my eyes as much as possible so I wouldn't have to see that. But I did see it, I heard it and I felt it. And that level of trauma was not imprinted into my mind, it was Burned.

My dad was meant to appear on TV, where he would have an interview with Derryn Hinch in discussion of police brutality, corruption and racism. But my dad refused to go on because he feared for the lives of his family, of his 2 sons. We received a few threats, some were more subtle than others. Even to the point where they would slowly drive past our home, real slow and look at us like we're animals to them. Hoping they would get that chance to put us down. As much as he wanted to fight back against the police, he did what he thought was right.... to protect his family. But however, he was NEVER ever afraid of them!! One thing he always taught us was that they are nothing more than thugs with a gun and a badge to say that they're allowed to do what they want and get away with it.

Next part would concern my very own brother. So back when he was a teen, he and other Koorie boys got a chance to go to Alice Springs on a cultural young mens trip. It would turn out to be an amazing extravaganza for them, but for my brother.... he copped what he didn't deserve. They were all eating up, but some of the boys left some mess behind instead of putting it into the bin. A local redneck officer saw and ordered my brother to pick it all up. He refused because he didn't need to feel responsible for other people's mess. But the cop didn't care. He ordered "YOU BETTER PICK UP THAT RUBBISH NOW, YOU BLACK DOG. YOU BETTER DO WHAT THE FUCK I SAY." Then he pushed my brother onto the wall where from there, he grabbed him by the collar and began lifting him up. My brother was dangling in the air while being choked by the officer. The other boys tried to tell him to stop and pull away. For a while, it went on but eventually it came to a stop.

Now this part would concern me, growing up I was always filled with pride for my culture. Having the Aboriginal flag pin on my shirt or having face paint on. But many people would see that intimidating, they would see the pin and immediately walk the other way or try to get as much distance away from me as possible. And whenever I was in the shops, security or the owner would follow me around. Always assuming that I was going to steal something. Now.... to start with High School. Ahh, for fucks sakes!! I hated High school, I hated going and I hated everyone in there. Mainly because a majority of people never even gave two shits about me. From my first day at Year 7 up til Year 10, I copped racism and bullying almost on a daily basis. Mainly by this small group who thought they were all tough cunts, trying to cause trouble and pick on the less fortunate and those who couldn't stand up for themselves. I used to get laughed at so bad for being fat, being overweight. And then the racism would start. Getting called "creamy, abo, coon, boong, what percent am i?, ape, gorilla, half breed, dole bludger, black bastard, village idiot, savage, creep, half caste, freak and etc." Imagine being called all that in your life. Imagine being ridiculed, attacked and humiliated like that. And in front of the class as well, the teacher didn't even care enough to stop it. And I was scared to even talk back or stand up for myself because everyone was on their side, laughing with them, laughing at me, pointing at me and talking about me like i was nothing but a fucking juggling circus monkey to them. And the teachers were just as helpless. My mum nearly went up to the school every day to tell them how I was getting attacked, laughed at and abused. All they would do is give detentions or tell them off for a bit, but that did absolutely Nothing. I copped all that and so much more within a 3-4 year period. After copping so much of that, I started to hate myself, I hated my family, my culture, my origins, my everything. I would argue with mum trying to stay home from school, because I knew that I was going to get bullied. I had so much anxiety, fast heartbeats and butterflies in my stomach whenever I head into class. Sometimes the bullies wouldn't be there, and that would be the best feeling ever. A feeling of peace and quiet. But when they were there, it became fucking Hell for me. Tearing me down, tripping me over, sticking signs on my back, throwing stuff at me.

So I copped that and more up until Year 10, when one day I was getting ready for school. Then just having such a massive breakdown, collapsing on my bedroom floor. My mum sees and asks whats wrong. I turn and say if I go to school today, I'm going to the Eastlink bridge up the road and I'm gonna kill myself. Then I ended up in the psychiatric hospital, the same one they would put my father in. So imagine being the only Aboriginal kid in your year level, the only one. I felt so alone, no one would understand. No one to turn to, no one to help me. I would sometimes cry walking home from school and self harm when i got home. Thats how much I hated myself.

I spend many months in and out of the psych wards, many treatments and therapies. Doctor after doctor, worker after worker. But nothing was working for me. But that was til I was able to learn about my own tribe, about my own language and where I'm from. To find my own sense of belonging and rediscover my life and passion for my culture. It wasn't all these medical treatments, sessions and 1 hour a month bullshit. It was reconnecting back to my origins, to my dreaming and to nature.

But still to this day, I have never even received an apology from anyone who did me wrong, who bullied and attacked me. Just like when i was a kid, not one cop ever took responsibility for excessive force, racial profiling and brutality on multiple occasions against my family. My story and my family's story is but one of thousands in Australia and millions around the world.

For over 300+ years, we have copped so much. Lives killed and taken away, men enslaved and forced to work til they would have no strength and then shot DEAD. Women raped multiple times, forced to live as home nurses, maids and even pleasure escorts. And the children, especially half-caste children kidnapped by our own Australian government and placed into foster homes, their goal to exterminate us all by breeding us all out. The English would wipe out tribes, civilisations, traditions, homes, families, cultures and sacred sites. They are the reasons why our connection to nature, to the land was severed. Yet White Australia still like to complain, about the ANZACS. Yes, the ANZACs is very important and they fought for the country, died for the country.... a noble cause. But what did us black fellas die for? Why were we killed? In our own homes, our own lands, either protecting our families, our homes or ourselves. Where's the honour in that? You tell me that, white australia. At least the war soldiers had a chance to fight, live and die in defense of the country. But the country was built on the backs, blood, sweat, tears and corpses of my people.

This all comes to show that the entire system MUST improve and change for the better. Not just the police, but the government, traditional acknowledgements, mental health system, education in schools especially. Why do we still learn all these languages and information from different countries yet we still know NOTHING from our own. Why?

So until this all changes for the better, I along with my brothers and sisters who choose to stand up with me and raise their fist high swear to keep fighting for justice, for peace, for equality, for opportunities, for acceptance, for love and for closure for so many people who have been in so much inter-generational pain.

Also, if anyone appears to have an issue with what I just said.... you can unfriend me right now and FUCK OFF back to NAZI Hell because you are not welcome if you are filled with judgement, racism, prejudice and bullshit.

Yes, All Lives do matter but until we in our own homes accept that people of Colours Blacks, Asians, Indigenous, Africans, Muslim, Gay, Straight, Trans-gender, non-binary, poor, mentally ill are accepted and equally treated and helped in this society NOW, All Lives Do Not Matter.... not to the government, to the rich, to the white suits, to the White Superiority. WE MUST MAKE A CHANGE, not for profit, not for jokes, not for favouring, but for the Future.

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