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jebazzled · 3 years

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it ain’t your muse! (shut up & write, ft. rihanna)

You nerds are always talking about your muse. My muse this, my muse that, I have no muse, my muse went the way of the dinosaurs, if my muse comes out of its burrow and sees its shadow I won’t be able to write for six weeks.

Shut up about your fucking muse!

It is true that you might go through periods where it is hard to find time and energy to write, or negative experiences in a writing community might leave you with anxiety surrounding writing. But by and large, writers block is something you can overcome!

Please, for the love of god, let me help you.

Writing is a muscle, and you’ve got to exercise it if you don’t want it to atrophy.

This tutorial is a bit of tough love about y’all and y’all’s diddly-darn muses, and some advice for snapping yourself out of it!

So here’s the thing about writing, my loves. You have to actually do it.

TERRIBLY inconvenient, I know.

I’m not here to tell you how to manage your work-life balance or how to manage your time. If you’re not writing much because you straight up don’t have time to write much, my advice is simple: pare down on your characters, focus on the plots that matter most to you, and spend some mental health juice on reminding yourself that there isn’t an RP Prom Queen, and even if there were, it’s better not to live or die by that bizarro crown.

But if you’re having trouble writing because of Your Muse... I’m cracking my knuckles.

We’ve all written with folks before - or been that folk before - who need a very specific set of circumstances if they’re going to write: they need time to Pinterest, need to listen to a specific playlist, need to get in the mindset, need the thread to scratch a very specific itch and need all of it to come together before the moon passes out of a waxing gibbous. As a fellow dev ho, I understand the appeal of writing to suit a mood, of vibing to a playlist, of prioritizing the stuff you’re going fucking feral for, of having the stars align while you do the thing. But if you’re like this when you’re writing for other people -

well, you’re making things difficult for both you and your writing partners! We can’t control the external constraints on our time, e.g. work and school, and we can’t always control the nonsense our psychology spins to keep us from writing. But some things are within our control, and by god, if there is any control to be had in the year of Mother Sappho 2021, don’t you want it?

At least some of your writers block is probably dumb as hell. So let’s beat the shit out of that part.

Anyway, if you’re yakking on and on about how your muse demands a bottle of red wine and a scented candle and fairy lights and soft socks and the blood of the servant, willfully given in order to spit out 200 words, or whatever...

it’s not that fucking deep.

Writing is a muscle. It’s like any other muscle: you need to exercise it.

If you’re training for a 5k, you don’t sit on your couch listening to “Eye of the Tiger” until race day. You get your ass off the cushion and pound the pavement. You probably start by alternating walks with short bursts of running. You probably don��t work your way up to actually running 5k at a time for a few weeks. And once you’ve run that first 5k, you don’t go sit on your couch to listen to “Eye of the Tiger” until the next race. You keep running to stay in shape for the next race.

Writing is like that.

What you write does not have to be perfect.

You can work on the post for six weeks and there will still be things you could change. You know what change your writing partner would have appreciated most? If you’d posted it for them three weeks ago. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

Cut yourself the same slack you cut for your writing partners. Do you yearn to keelhaul them if their reply isn’t worth a National Book Award? No, because you’re not an asshole. They’re also not an asshole. Everyone is reasonable here. Write something that responds to what they gave you and that gives them something to work with. Not every single post has to be capital-I Inspired. ✨

What you write does not have to be a vibe ready for the Goop newsletter.

I was a creative writing major in college, and I was always having to turn stuff in for class that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to work on: a short story set in another country when I just wanted to write a play with puppets, an essay about food when I would rather write one about a weekend drive, etc.

Sometimes, you write what you write when you write it not because it’s getting you hot and bothered but because you’ve owed a reply for A While and you feel bad about keeping someone waiting. It will still be fun, because you chose to do that thread with your character and someone else’s character for a reason, and that reason stands, even if your monkey brain is yearning to play with that slime that makes fart noises when you put it away.

(Pro tip, here: don’t do threads you don’t actually have any interest in writing! It is less awkward to tell someone, “I am not interested in my character weed whacking your character’s lawn” than to waste their time with 10 posts of it before telling them, “I am not interested in my character weed whacking your character’s lawn.”)

The more you write, the easier it is.

Let’s talk about running again. A couple of years ago, I went on a bit of a kick with the running. I ran at least three times a week. I would bring my running shit with me to work so I could run in the park near my office. I would make running dates with friends. I would reward myself with a bagel from my favorite cafe if I did a run. And you know what? Once I got myself past the hurdle of pulling on my running clothes and lacing up my shoes, I enjoyed myself. When I ran 5k without slowing to a walk, I was proud of myself. When I told myself, “let’s do another loop at the park!” and stopped to take a photo of the sunset, I enjoyed myself. I would not have enjoyed myself if I hadn’t hit the goddamn pavement.

Put your ass in your fucking chair. I don’t care if you don’t have the right scented candle. Write 50 words. Right fucking now. I’ll wait.

Write another 50.

Now write another 100.

How long did that take you? Some days, it might take you 90 minutes to write 200 words. But that’s 200 more words than you would have written in 90 minutes of browsing Pinterest waiting for an angel to come down from heaven and write this post for you.

All that bullshit you do to Feed Your Muse? It’s stalling, you idiot.

The more you make yourself write instead of just thinking about writing, the easier it will be to actually fucking write.

I used to sit and stare at posts for hours and hours and hours before submitting them, so worried about the post being good enough. When I moved to a neighborhood with an aboveground train line, I was able to write on my morning commute, and writing every morning - even if only the 200 words I could crank out on mobile in 30 minutes before work - got me out of my weird writers block crutches and security blankets. It didn’t take as much effort to write, anymore. I wrote over 200,000 words in 2019, and over 300,000 words in 2020, when I had barely any commute at all to use on writing. I didn’t magically have endless hours of free time. I just wasn’t wasting my free time pretending that being on Tumblr counted as writing.

Tough love: doled out. And now:

TIPS & TRICKS FOR BEATING “””Writers Block”””

Stop acting like Writers Block is real. It’s not that it’s not real, but by telling yourself that you have Writers Block, you’re making it worse for yourself. You’re making excuses for yourself. I used Writers Block to stall writing my Topics in Creative Writing: Folktales portfolio for 3 months, and you know what happened? I still had to turn in the fucking portfolio, because the person I was writing for didn’t fucking care about my fucking Writers Block. And you know who had to sit her ass in a chair and write 30 pages of folktales in a 24 hour period? Me. It’s almost like my Writers Block was just PROCRASTINATION.

Set a timer. If you’re looking at your list of replies owed and you’re feeling like it might be easier to “do character dev” and “build a playlist” than to write your posts, break the task into smaller pieces. If your server has a sprint bot, use it. If not, set your own timer. Organize your list of threads with the ones you’ve owed replies on the longest at the top. Set your timer for 20 minutes and see how much you can write for the oldest post you owe. Not done? Set the timer for another 20 minutes. Keep setting that timer until that post is done and you can drop it in the tags channel. Now do the same for the second oldest. CRANK! THEM! OUT! If you find that it’s depleting your creative energy, that’s not unusual! When I get to this point in my own posting habits, my oldest replies owed are usually for Albus Dumbledore, a character I write specifically because I hate him. It is often easier to knock out all his posts in one chunk rather than shift voice, so this ends up working out nicely.

Don’t indulge your stupid stalling tactics. Do you typically get sidetracked by Pinterest? Put your phone away and close that tab. Do you get absorbed in lining up the perfect music for writing a post? Write in silence, asshole. Do you need to be in your favorite chair with the right lighting? Go sit on a park bench and write on mobile. It’s nice to write in idealized environments. I rented a treehouse last summer to write 10k on a novel! I get it! But you absolutely can write in other environments, if you have to. And if you can get yourself to write on a dark skin on your iPad at an airport in the Midwest while waiting for a flight - well, shit, think of how much you’ll be able to write on a laptop when your diva ass demands are properly met!

Don’t take on shit you don’t want to write. I fully admit that these tactics feel a bit like homework/chores/a to-do list for what is of course a fun hobby. You know how they say “love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life?” If you don’t take on plots, characters, and threads that don’t have a lick of interest or excitement for you, this shit won’t feel like a hassle.

Hope this whips all you little miscreants (myself included) into shape! Now quit your yapping and start writing.

#rp guides #resources #writing resources #on writing #stop trying to make writers block happen. it's not going to happen.

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just-jordie-things · 4 years

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Secret Muse - Richie Tozier

word count: 4308 warnings: swearing, mentions of sex summary: (y/n) and Richie have been secretly going out for a while now... and it was fun at first, but it was getting pretty hard to hide their feelings as they grew into something more.

___

Click.

Richie’s brow furrowed a bit, and his nose twitched as he could see a bright light behind his closed eyes.

He brushed it off, and went back to resting, but then he heard that sound again.

Click.

And this time when the bright light flashed, he peeked an eye open, finding (y/n) sitting up at his side, camera in hand.

“What the hell are you doin’?” He mumbled sleepily, while she eagerly waited for the polaroid photo to print out.

“Nothing” She drew out the word, eyes focused on the black film of the photo, wanting to see the image appear.

He pushed himself upwards, to sit semi-properly on the bed. He had a way of sprawling out over the girl’s bed, the boy was all limbs. Not that she ever minded, she loved having him in her space. All to herself.

“Doesn’t look like nothing” Richie says, one arm wrapping around her waist, while his other hand snatches the photo out of her hand.

“Don’t ruin it!” She shrieks, taking it back gently from his hand.

Richie rolls his eyes at her, but his smile is affectionate as he looks at the picture.

“Now, why would you want a picture of me sleeping?” He asks, snorting at the photo that appeared on the polaroid. He then presses a kiss to her cheek, nose pressed up against her face. “You gonna start stalking me or something?” He whispers, and she lets out a small giggle.

“Oh, babe, we’re well past that, don’t you think?” She teases, turning to chastely kiss his lips. “Besides, I want something of just you. You’re my muse”

He smirks, leaning in with that look in his eyes- she’d been going out with him for a few months now, and she’d known him since they were kids, so she knew that look.

“You know you can have any of me any time of day, right baby-?”

“Yeah yeah,” (y/n) whacks her hand against his shoulder. “Unless anyone else is around” She says in a mumble.

See, Richie and (y/n) had decided when they first started going out, to keep it to themselves. They knew their friends would get weird about it, and thought it was best, for the both of them, to just explore their new feelings without other people stuffing their opinions in their faces.

At first it was perfect, it was kind of fun to sneak around, and hide in plain sight. But now she just wanted to be with him whenever she wanted. She wanted to hold his hand at school and cuddle up to him during movie nights. She just wanted to be completely his, and not just when they were in private.

“What’re you thinkin’ about, pretty girl?” Richie asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Despite the blush on her face, she gave him a sad sort of smile, before shaking her head.

“Just you” She says sweetly, before leaning in closer to kiss him.

“You’re a sap, baby” He murmurs, stealing another kiss.

“Yeah, I know” (y/n) whispers back, and drops her camera and photos so she can run her fingers through his mop of curls.

She lets out a soft sigh, before wrapping her arms around his neck, and laying back with him on the bed. Richie wasted no time in embracing her, holding her tight against his chest.

“You gonna nap with me now?” He asked softly.

She nods her head, and cuddles further against him, happily.

The problem now was that she was falling for him, and it was getting harder to hide that. ___

It wasn’t until the next day at school that she felt these nerves build up again. She wondered if waiting too long to tell their friends would look bac, or if they’d be upset with her for hiding this for so long, or if-

“If you keep thinking so hard, your head’s gonna pop right off, you know that, right?”

She almost jumped in the air when Richie appeared next to her in the hall, seemingly out of nowhere. He chuckled at her reaction, walking with her to her locker.

“Jesus, babe, calm down, what’s going on?”

“Nothing” She says quickly, shaking her head, and giving him a bright, but forced, smile.

Richie was an idiot, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew she was getting worked up over something.

“Come on (y/n/n), don’t bullshit me,” He says softly, and leans against the wall of lockers while she puts in the combination to hers. “What’s wrong?” His hand reaches out to hers, but she pulls away before he can take it.

“Really, Rich, nothing, I’m just tired, okay?”

He knows she’s still lying, and right to his face no less, but he drops it.

She doesn’t say anything else as she gets her things for first period. He waits for her to say something, literally anything, but she’s dead silent, until the bell rings.

“Gotta go” She says quickly, barely looking at him, before heading off. She didn’t even give him a chance to speak. ___

“Hey,” Richie whispers to Bill at some point in the middle of class. “Has (y/n) said anything to you? Um, about me?”

Bill’s eyebrows furrow as he looks back at his friend.

“No?” He responds, confused by the question. “W-why?”

“I don’t know… she just… was weird this morning-”

“Y-you probably annoyed h-her” Bill responds.

Richie shakes his head.

“But I didn’t do anything-”

“Sure,” Bill chuckles. “W-why do y-you care a-anyway?”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares down at his notebook, while Bill studies him curiously.

“O-oh, please d-don’t tell me th-that you h-have a c-crush on (y/n). W-what, are y-you secretly i-in love w-with her?”

A bit too late for that, Richie thinks to himself.

“No- I just-”

“Oh m-my god, you a-are” Bill says, and then lets out a groan that makes Richie grimace.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He asked.

“Mister Tozier,” Scolds their Calculus teacher, “Is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

“No, Miss Scottsdale-”

“Well then how about we watch our language, hm?” The woman asked, hands on her hips. “Now zip the lip, and take the notes, please”

After a few minutes of taking notes, and keeping his head down so he didn’t get sent to the principal’s office for the third day in a row, he turned to Bill again, this time with an annoyed and expectant look on his face, silently asking why he’d reacted so horribly.

“O-obviously it’s not a g-good idea, Richie,” Bill says to him quietly. “It’s (y/n)... sh-she’s our f-friend”

“And?” Richie shakes his head, his heart on a slow plummet to his stomach.

“And it w-wouldn’t work,” Bill chuckles at the mere idea of Richie and (y/n) being together. “Y-you’re polar o-opposites”

Richie stares down at his empty notebook, and tried to shove the disappointment he felt way, way down. He shouldn’t be so upset, he knows that Bill’s wrong, because he and (y/n) do work. They work really well.

But it still sucks to hear from his best friend that he didn’t think they were a good fit.

“R-really, not a g-good fit, l-like at all, it w-would n-never-”

“Okay I fucking get it”

“Tozier! Office, now!”

He didn’t even care at that point, just grabbed his bag and books and bee-lined for the door. ___

(y/n) had been stuck on the same essay prompt for the past two hours. She’d come straight home from school, sat down at her desk to get to work on her english project, and she hadn’t come up with one good idea for it.

She knew why. Any other day, she could get to work and write the whole essay in one sitting. But her mind was preoccupied, and unfortunately, this thing with Richie that she was in was taking up every thought in her brain.

He must have somehow known too, because next thing she knew, there was a knock on her window, and Richie Tozier himself was climbing in before she could even invite him.

“Richie,” The relief in her voice came out in a sigh as she stood up from her desk to walk over to him. “You could’ve come in the front door, my parents aren’t home-”

Before she could even finish talking, he was wrapping his arms around her waist and leaning down to kiss her. It was quick, but his lips were soft against hers. She’s smiling against his lips, and she’s still smiling when he pulls away.

“Well hello to you too,” She murmurs, giggling nervously. “What was that for?”

“I just missed you today,” He mumbles, a content smile growing on his lips. “And I was worried about you”

“Worried about me?” She asks, tilting her head to the side. “Why?”

“I just knew you were kinda… um… off this morning, and I- I wanted to make sure you’re feeling alright…” He licks his lips before continuing, “And feeling alright… about us…”

Her lips quirked up into a smile, and she laughed again, this time more genuinely. Not because he was funny, but because he was so cute, and it was sweet that he came to check up on her.

“I’m okay, Rich,” She hums. “This morning was nothing, you’ve got nothing to worry about”

He grins, pulling her closer, one of his hands reaching up to cradle the back of her head. His fingers stroked through her hair for a moment, before tangling themselves in the roots and he spoke up again.

“You still like me and all that shit?” He asks, voice softer than she’d expected.

“Somehow, yes,” She teases. “Of course, Rich,”

She leans up on the tips of her toes to press a reassuring kiss against his lips.

“You wanna stay over and watch a movie?”

He grins, nodding his head, and forgetting all about Bill’s stupid opinions for a minute. And when she fell asleep curled up in his lap on the couch, he decided it didn’t matter what Bill thought- or what any of their friends might think. He loved her so much that he thought his heart might explode if he looked at her any longer.

She always insisted that she wouldn’t fall asleep if they cuddled. But then he’d start to feel her body slumping into his more, her head lying on his shoulder or his lap. Then she’d request a back rub or a blanket and she’d be done for. Out like a light.

Richie never minded. He thought it was adorable that she’d get too cozy and drift off in his arms. Her head was lying in his lap, legs curled up to preserve her own heat, and her arms tucked between her chest and his stomach. Tonight, neither one of them wanted to move to get her a blanket, so Richie had shrugged off his jacket and laid it over her instead.

Looking at her now, he hoped she’d never want to get up, because he didn’t want to either.

“I can feel you staring at me,” She mumbles. Her eyes don’t open, she’s still half asleep, but she just knows that he’s staring at her. She can feel them boring holes into her. “What’cha thinkin’ about, babe?”

Her hand reaches out towards his shirt, fisting the material.

“How pretty you are” He answers without missing a beat.

Always a charmer, (y/n) thinks as she lets out a short chuckle.

“Mhm,”

She looks up at him, eyes meeting his in an unamused stare.

“You’re pretty too,” She says, and smacks her lips in a playful air-kiss. “Now come on, what’s goin’ on?”

He sighs, and reaches down to run a hand through her hair. He does this a few times before finally speaking up. She almost could’ve fallen back asleep.

“I just had a… a weird conversation with Bill,” He says, and she nods for him to go on. “He just said some shit and it was annoying is all-”

“What’d he say?” She asked, leaning back on his legs to look up at him better. “You guys didn’t fight, did you?”

“No, not really anyways, but he-”

“Richie-”

“He said we’re not a good fit” Richie said quickly, before he could get too nervous.

“What?” (y/n) blinked, eyes going wide. “Did you tell him about us?”

“N-no, I just- see, he has this idea that I have a crush on you-”

“And you don’t have a crush on me?” She asks playfully, earning an eye roll from the boy.

“But he was really weird about it, (y/n/n). He said it would never work”

(y/n) frowns, not because Bill had said something so blatantly idiotic, but because Richie was clearly very hurt by it.

“Richie,” She giggles, and her brows knit together. “That’s nothing you have to worry about,”

She sits up in his lap, one of her hands brushing sweetly over his cheek, the other placed on his shoulder to keep her balanced.

“Don’t ever tell him I said this,” She whispers, “But he’s dumb,”

Richie snorts, and shakes his head at her.

“I’m serious, Rich, look at us,” She murmurs, thumb tracing over his cheekbone in the gentlest of ways.. “We’re a perfect fit,” She tells him, voice growing even softer as she looks him in the eyes. “Bill doesn’t know what he’s talking about”

This makes him crack a smile- she’s so sugary sweet he swears she’s gonna give him cavities, or Type Two- but that would be alright by him.

“You’re right,” He hums, eyes lazily wandering the features of her face. “We are perfect”

She giggles again, nodding as she leans in closer.

“How much more time do you need before you realize I’m always right?” She teases. “Besides, Bill wouldn’t have said such a silly thing had he known the truth, you know that,” She reminds him. “And, even if he was dumb enough to think that, I don’t care,”

Her eyes are soft, and focused on his so intently that all his worries disappear with her gaze. It’s a superpower she has, he thinks, because no one and nothing else could work a magic like that on him.

“Because I really like you, and I really like being with you, even if it’s just for a couple hours a week”

She gives him a timid smile, but when he grins back at her it grows.

One of his arms wraps around her back to pull her flush against his chest, and his free hand cradles her cheek to bring her face closer to his.

“Why are you so goddamn cute?” He murmurs, lips barely brushing over hers as she speaks.

She wastes no more time as she closes the distance between them, slanting her lips over his delicately. Her fingers spread over his cheek as she leans fully against him so that the kiss could last as long as possible- unfortunately, they need air eventually.

When they do, she nuzzles her nose against his affectionately.

There’s three words that her brain and her heart are collectively screaming at her to say, but they catch in her throat, and her nerves force her to swallow them.

Another time, maybe.

She doesn’t know that Richie is dealing with the same struggle. His anxiety gets the best of him as well, and he settles for holding her a little bit tighter and kissing her again. Which will certainly do for now. ___

It takes him a week to muster up the courage, and he knows just what to do.

(y/n) had just left lunch, and the class she had after was the only class she had without one of the Loser’s in it. She didn’t know how she got so unlucky to be in the class by herself, but Richie had known it was the only time she was alone, so it was the perfect time to plant it.

She went to her locker, dropping off her books from her previous class, and replacing them with the next one. It wasn’t until she moved to close the locker door that she noticed it.

It was a polaroid, taped onto the inside of the door.

A picture she surprisingly hadn’t taken, but she couldn’t have, because she was asleep in the photo. Passed out on Richie’s chest, who was very awake. There was a bright grin on his lips, and she could see that he’d wrapped one arm around her to keep her secure against him, while the other was outstretched above them with the camera angled downwards to snap the photo.

The picture alone was enough to make her whole day- hell, her whole week. It was the sweetest thing she’d ever seen. But it was what he’d scribbled below it that made it perfect.

I love you.

She knew just from the neat letters that he’d carefully written it, since it wasn’t in Richie’s usual chicken scratch.

Carefully, she pulled the photo off of the door, smiling uncontrollably as she stared at it, wanting it glued to her memory.

With only a few minutes left before class, she held it to her chest, before sticking it back on the door, and shutting it safely inside her locker.

The smile on her face lasted the entire day. ___

The next time she saw Richie was two days later.

The Losers had all gotten together for a night of video games and junk. Ben had just gotten the new Atari, so they found themselves clumped together in his living room, hogging the game and the couch cushions.

It was the first time that (y/n) found it incredibly hard not to throw herself at Richie. She was typically pretty good at controlling herself, or at least talking herself down. But she’d never felt something so strong, and she just wanted to tell him she loved him and kiss him senseless.

That was pretty reasonable, she thought.

“So, Richie” Stan speaks up with a snicker, and the look in his eyes already has Richie annoyed.

“What?” he mutters back, casting a momentary glance towards his girlfriend, who’s standing between the kitchen and the living room.

She’d been lingering there while there were pizzas in the oven, walking into the room occasionally to watch her friends play games and cheer them on.

“Bill told me about your crush” Stan continues, and it appears that Bill told everyone, because now there are six pairs of eyes on him, waiting for his response.

“Take a fuckin picture,” He grumbles. “And Stan, why don’t you cut the eleven-year-old-girl-drama, it’s not a good look on you”

“You’ve got a crush?” Beverly speaks up, eyes lighting up with excitement, because finally something interesting with one of these boys happened.

“He does!” Ben says before Richie has the chance to speak for himself.

(y/n), who’s still standing just a few feet away from the drama, is silent. She knows that even if she tried to jump in and save him, it would only get worse. So when he looked at her subtly, she gave the smallest of shrugs, as though to tell him to do whatever he wanted.

“Yeah,” Richie sighs in defeat. “I do”

“On who?” Beverly questions him again, and he doesn’t bother saying anything, because almost everyone is eager to tell her.

“(y/n)!”

They must have all shouted it at once, and then each of them turned to the girl mentioned, as though waiting for her reaction, which she doesn’t give them. She remains still, and quiet. Her eyes do travel to Richie, however, who’s rolling his eyes incredibly far back into his head.

Stan starts to laugh, which makes Bill start to laugh as well. The others give a few chuckles and giggles, but it’s not the same, and Richie knows it.

They’re laughing at him, and it drives him crazy.

He waits for them to stop, giving them both death glares before looking to (y/n), who’s nervously staring down at the floor, lost as to what to do to fix this awkward situation.

“You know what?” Richie speaks up, and he shoots straight out of his seat. The laughing doesn’t cease, but he doesn’t care. “Fuck you. Fuck both of you,”

The boys are wiping tears from their eyes as Richie whirls around, hurdling over the back of the couch to cross the room to (y/n).

“And fuck this, I’m tired of not getting to do this all the time” He says, surprising her and everyone else in the room when he cups her face in his hands and passionately kisses her.

A short squeak of astonishment dies in the back of her throat as she melts into the kiss, and soon she’s delightedly wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him at her level so that she can continue kissing him.

Richie seemed to want to give their friends a show, anyways.

He pulls away all too soon, letting out a dramatic sigh of relief.

“I’m fucking in love with her, okay?” He says to the others. “There. Now you know. We’re all on the same page now”

No one says anything, shell-shocked by what had just happened in front of them. Richie was proud to see so many jaws on the floor.

(y/n) reaches out to take his chin in her fingers, turning his head back to look at her.

“I love you too,” She whispered with a smile. “I tried to tell you the other night- last week- I just, um, was too scared” She tells him sheepishly.

“Me too,” he chuckles, and pushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Their friends are still wordlessly watching the scene before them.

“Did you like the picture though? I thought that was a pretty damn good idea”

“It was,” (y/n) laughs. “I loved it, it’s still there, I’ll keep it for-”

“I’m sorry,” Mike is the first to come to his senses. He’s pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, like it’s physically troubling him to process this. “Are you two dating?”

(y/n) and Richie share a sheepish look before nodding back at him.

“Y-you were t-together th-this whole t-time?” Bill asks. “Richie, I- I’m so s-sorry-”

“I know man, it’s alright,” Richie says dismissively. “You didn’t know we were perfect for each other. Really though, her mouth fits perfect around-”

“Beep beep!” (y/n) shrieks, swatting at his stomach before he can even think about finishing that sentence.

Not that he has to. The smirk on his face speaks for itself.

“I- I have so many questions,” Eddie shakes his head. “Number one, why? And number two, (y/n), blink twice if he’s making you go out with him against your will”

“Jesus Christ Eds” Richie grumbled, but (y/n) finds it hilarious.

“How long have you been dating?” Ben asks, smiling between the unexpected pair.

“Five and a half months” Richie answers, because (y/n) is still laughing. He wraps his arms around her tight and pushing her face into his chest to muffle the laughing.

“So, uh, is it always gonna be like this now?” Stan asks, a cringe taking over his face that he tried to hide, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yep!” Richie announces, squeezing (y/n) tighter when she tries to shuffle out of his arms. “You’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it”

“Yeah, I managed to, you guys can too” (y/n) says, voice muffled in his sweatshirt.

“Would you shut the fuck up please?” He muttered down to her. “You’re makin’ me look bad”

“So you guys are like…” Mike glances to the others before continuing, “Full on married”

“How did we not notice?” Eddie mumbles.

“Richie’s surprisingly good at keeping his hands to himself” (y/n) answers with a grin, and this time it’s his turn to whack her in the shoulder.

The oven beeps then, and finally he lets her out of his hold to go get the pizzas.

“I honestly… can’t believe it” Beverly says once (y/n’s) gone.

“Yeah… (y/n)? Going out with you?” Eddie adds with a snicker.

“I mean, how did you even-”

“Actually, she asked me out” Richie says, before anyone else can say anything.

That seems to throw them for a loop again, and he just laughs as he walks into the kitchen after his girlfriend, leaving his friends to discuss just how the hell this all happened.

“Having fun?” (y/n) hums while she’s slicing up the pizzas on the kitchen counter. She sends Richie a smile over her shoulder for a moment.

He leans in from behind her to swiftly press a kiss to her cheek, before sitting on the counter next to her.

“Oh yeah,” He answers. “Especially now that I get to do that whenever I want”

She grins, and he takes one of the slices of pizza.

“So, are you gonna tell them that you begged me to go out with you, or…?”

“Nope. I’m just gonna fuck with them a little bit. They’re already going nuts out there”

She laughs, nodding her head. She expected no less from him.

“Alright dummy, help me carry these out” She says, holding a pan of sausage pizza out for him.

“Oh, I see, you want a big sausage pizz-”

“No- nope,” She shoved a hand over the boy’s mouth. “I want you to help me take these out to the living room” (y/n) says, before nodding her head for him to get moving.

“Fine, babe,” Richie sighs rather theatrically, and slides off the counter. “Maybe later then?”

She giggles, and pushes his shoulders so he’ll walk faster.

“Maybe”

___

xoxo ~ jordie

#it 2017 #it 2019 #richie tozier #richie tozier x reader #richie tozier scenario #richie tozier imagine #richie tozier fanfiction #finn wolfhard #finn wolfhard x reader

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skylarmoon71 · 3 years

Text

Raphael x Reader - Oneshot (TMNT 2014/2016)

"Sup shrimp."

"I'm not a shrimp I'm a grown woman!!" you screamed charging at Raph. He didn't even budge when you ran into him. You on the other hand tumbled to the floor with a grunt. Mikey raised his head when he heard the collision.

"Hey, I think you moved him a little this time (Y/N), good job." he sent you thumbs up, but you just stayed there laying flat on the floor.

You were only fifteen, and since Raph was older, he never failed to remind you of it. Even at your age, you barely look it. You were small, and a bit of a tomboy. It didn't help that you grew up with brothers. Fighting was the way you communicated. That's why you always went at it with Raph. He made it his mission to point out your very boyish qualities. Not that you cared.

"Just wait till puberty hits me, I'll be so gorgeous even the boys at school will have to acknowledge me!" You holler. So maybe your constant fights with Raph weren't solely because you liked roughhousing.

Thing is, you had the biggest crush on him. His attitude, tough personality, and geez those damn muscles. He drove you every type of crazy. That's why you got into it so regular with him. Of course you'd never admit it.

All your teenage mind seemed to process was Feelings+Raph= Punch the shit outta him.

Very mature approach.

"Ya better keep dreaming, you'll be a shrimp no matter how tall ya get." you growled, jumping to your feet as you grabbed his leg.

"Corkscrew!!" you yelled. You tried locking his leg with both of yours to pull him down. It usually worked with your brothers, but you should have known better. Raph just smirked and leaned down, grabbing one of your legs as he lifted you into the air upside down.

"P-Put me down you overgrown tortoise!!" you were struggling and throwing punches at his body, but none of them connected, he was holding you at a distance.

"Maybe if ya nice I'll think bout it." You folded your arms with a glare.

"What, you really think I'm going to beg? Never."

"Is that right?"

"No it's left. Of course it's right! LEO!! Raph is bullying me again!"

Leo sighed, coming around the corner to inspect the damage. "Raph, stop treating her like a rag doll. Put her down."

He huffed, moving to the couch. "Fine." Just like that he opened his palm. You dropped with a soft thud, and Raph snickered under his breath.

"Better?" When you collected yourself, you used the couch to boost you as you jumped unto Raph's back, wrapping your small hands around his neck in an attempted chokehold.

"What do you have to say now big guy! I can take you out in seconds." you pressed into the pressure point on the side of his neck, and he dropped to his knees in surprise.

"Hah, no matter the size, that'll forever be a weak spot." You would know, you used it on your brothers. You were about to deliver another devastating blow. He grabbed your arm before you could do much, pulling you to the ground. When you raised your body to fight back, he just used one hand to push you down by your chest. You blushed at the contact.

"Y-You pervert now you're groping me!!"

He looked unimpressed at your accusation. "Please, ya as flat as a pizza." His statement made your face redder, and you kicked his chest, putting some space between so you could get up.

"STUPID TURTLE!!!"

With that you were running out the lair in a rage. Raph stood slowly, and Leo just shook his head at him.

"You really shouldn't mess with her so much Raph."

"She's the one that came running at me."

"You didn't exactly help the situation."

"Gimme a break." Raph groused. He usually brushed it off when you yelled at him, but this time you looked pretty upset.

Logically, it would have made sense to go after you and apologize, but Raph was never the logical type. So instead he dealt with it the old fashion way.

"I need to punch something." he grumbled, heading for the training area.

Leo just let out another exasperated sigh. He looked over at Mikey, who just lifted his arms shaking his head.

"Don't look at me brah, I'm not getting in the middle of that. " You may have been small, but your temper rivaled Raph's so talking with you while you were pissed wasn't the best thing to do.

~One Week Later~

"Where's (Y/N)." Raph really didn't think you would have stayed away this long. It had only been one week, but it felt like so long since he heard you yelling as you tried to attack him with a new move.

Donnie raised his t-phone from his spot. "She's got exams, I've been sending her information to help in her chemistry class. She said she won't be able to stop by until it's over. Apparently her parents have been getting on her about her grades."

Raph could understand that, what he didn't understand was you messaging Donnie instead of him.

"What's wrong Raphie are you missing your little girlfriend~"

Mikey made a face, mimicking kissy faces and Raph just smacked him.

"Shut up! I ain't missing that shrimp!"

"Fine, no need to get violent." Mikey grumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

"Alright break it up, we got patrol in a few minutes, no fighting." Raph cracked his knuckles. "Great timing." He could use with a little brute force.

~~~

"Damn it this makes no sense!!" You were stressing over your finals, and to make matters worse, you'd just recently gotten your period, so not only was your brain committing suicide, so was your ovaries.

"AHHHH!!!" your oldest brother rushed in at the yell.

"Dude, quit screaming. I thought you were being murdered." you frowned.

"I might as well have been, this shit hurts." He grinned at you.

"My dear little sister, finally becoming a woman. They grow up so fast." He said faking a sob. You just rolled your eyes, throwing a book in his direction.

"Get out of my room before I chug my bloody pad at you." he made a disgusted face.

"I fear for your future boyfriend (Y/N)." you just gave him a look, and in seconds he was rushing out, shutting the door. You dropped your pencil, placing your head on the desk.

"Future boyfriend.."

The first image to pop into your head was Raph, and you blushed, letting out a soft groan of annoyance. What was the use falling for him. He barely even acknowledges you as female. It was so frustrating. Yet, you couldn't stop hoping that he'd somehow just sneak into your room and confess his undying love for you.

It was crazy, impossible. "Dumb hormones." You couldn't believe you'd been in such a rush to go through this, it was hell. What was even worse is your chest had been sore all week. Your mother insisted it was normal, but it didn't feel normal.

"Dumb puberty." you regretted ever wanting to experience it.

~Three Weeks Later~

"Still no word." Donnie shook his head. "She's not in danger, and she texts me, but for some reason she hasn't been down here in awhile."

Leo was never one to act irrational, but now he was getting worried. And Raph was completely stubborn. "Raph, you have to go talk to her. She's obviously still mad about what you said last time. "

"That was weeks ago, and why do I gotta do it! Did ya forget she was the one that came at me."

"You hurt her feelings Raph. You don't tell a girl her chest is flat as a pizza, even if it's true."

"Since when did ya become an expert on women." Leo was about to respond, but a sneaky smile rose on his lips.

"So you do see her as a woman. Hah, I knew you had a thing for her. No wonder you're always messing with her. " Raph couldn't work up a reply so he just growled, turning his back and punching the wall.

"Somehow I feel like they're made for each other. " Leo chuckled. His brother may have been a muscle head, but at least he wasn't blind.

He'd fix the problem eventually. Leo could tell that your absence was starting to get to Raph. It was only a matter of who would make the first move. That might take a while though.

****

It was foolish, you hadn't intended to stay away that long, it's just that so much happened in the span of three weeks. Now you felt way too embarrassed to face Raph due to your most recent development. That didn't stop the guilt though. Because you missed being around the boys. Mikey, Donnie, Leo and especially Raph. You'd just stopped visiting with an explanation. What kind of friend does that? Not a very good one.

"Tomorrow! I go and explain everything." You were tired of hiding out in your room. You didn't want your friendship to suffer because of your stupid hormones.

Clack!

Your head whipped to the window.

"The fudge.."

Under normal circumstances, it was never smart to go towards strange noises. So as you inched out of your bed, you grabbed your baseball bat, moving cautiously to your window.

If some serial killer thought he was getting an easy victim he had another thing coming. You stood at the side, hiding behind the wall as you watched the figure crawl into your room. With a vicious swing, you whacked him right in the face. When you heard a grunt of pain you rushed to your light switch with a grin.

"Take that you stupid serial psycho you really think I was just going to...R-Raph!!"

"What the hell is wrong with ya.." he spoke tightly, he was rubbing his face in irritation. You dropped the bat.

"I-I'm so sorry I thought you were a killer or something. Why didn't you call. You don't just sneak into a girl's room in the middle of the night. "

"I would have called, but ya been avoiding the liar and my messages. Figured I'd come and see why ya acting so weird."

He was right. Suddenly you weren't as sure. Taking a step back, you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking away.

"I-I just..I had exams.."

"Don't gimme that shit, you've been done for a while. Donnie told me."

"Fudge."

You couldn't think of any more excuses that would be half as believable. When Raph saw the way you were guarding yourself and keeping your distance, it sort of hurt him.

He realized then that his words must have done more damage than he thought. He really didn't think you would have taken it to heart. A big part of your friendship was the both of you insulting each other. Maybe this time though, he went a little too far.

"I'm sorry alright." you looked up, and Raph shifted his gaze to the wall.

"I didn't mean it, I was just teasing ya. Truth is I couldn't give a crap if you're small. It's what I like about ya. Ya always give me shit, and yer never afraid to call me out and fight me, even though there's no way ya could win. "

Was he confessing? It sure sounded like it.

"I do see ya as a woman. Ya don't have to worry about puberty or any of that crap. Ya already freaking hot to me." you just stared, cheeks glowing a bright red.

"Y-You think I'm.."

Oh boy, you were going to have a heart attack. No way was this really happening. Raph scratched his head a bit awkwardly.

"Course I do. I guess I just liked having all ya attention. You never flock towards Leo or the others. Ya always chase after me."

Of course you did. You'd been crushing on him for months, maybe since you met him. He was finally looking your way, and he took a step forward.

"I don't care if you're flat as a pizza, ya still cute to me." He placed his hand on your chest to prove his point, except this time there was a plumpness he didn't expect. You flushed, and on instinct you kicked him in the groin. Raph stumbled back, holding the crouch as he fell to the ground.

"W-WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! HOW DARE YOU TRY AND CUP A FEEL!!"

"Wrong with me! Just a few weeks ago ya were as flat as a pancake!" He gaped, still fairly confused, and you just covered your chest bashfully. Something seemed to hit him.

"This is why ya were acting so strange..." no wonder you hadn't stopped by. He could see it clear on your face.

"Did ya ass get bigger too?"

"Y-You jerk why would you even ask that- aah!!" You didn't expect him to get to his feet and take your arm. He pinned both your arms to the bed, pressing you to the mattress. Your chest was pressed into the bed, and you had to look over to see what he was doing.

"R-Raph let me go this instant!!"

He just smirked at you, lifting your shirt slightly to get a look at you from behind.

"I was right, yer ass did get bigger." you jumped when you felt his hand on your butt. You gasped when he groped you, squeezing your cheek softly. "P-Pervert!! This is assault!!" you squirmed, but it was useless, he had you pinned to the bed.

His body leaning over is what kept you from getting away.

"It's not if ya like it." He whispered sultrily. You swallowed, trying not to let him see just how much you were actually enjoying his touches. He lowered his body, and now you could feel his strong plastron pressed to your back. His hands flattened on the bed above your head, and you whined, still trying to wiggle away. Maybe save a little face.

"Well well, I thought ya were cute before, but now yer delicious." he gave your butt another appreciative squeeze and you could only muster out a small mewl. "R-Raph.." Why was he torturing you so much?

"Yes." you glanced at him, and from the desperate look on your face, he already knew what you wanted. He moved back slightly to help you turn unto your back, and now that you were facing each other, you gazed at him. He could see the raw want in your eyes. His little touches might have just nudged you over the edge.

Without so much as a word you pulled him down, sighing when his lips finally met yours. His body covered your own protectively, not leaning his full weight, just enough that you could feel him. And boy did it feel good.

Your hands were hooked around his neck as you kissed him hungrily. It may have been your hormones, or the fact that you'd been dying to kiss him for who knows how long. Raph didn't mind one bit. This time when his hand landed on your chest, you moaned, begging for more. Raph let out a throaty chuckle when he managed to pull back, giving you a chance to catch your breath. "Ya better keep yer voice down. Wouldn't want ya family catching us."

Family, wow, you completely forgot about those people.

Raph was just staring at you now, and it made you a bit flustered.

"Q-Quit staring." you mutter.

"Why can't I, I'm admiring my woman."

"Y-Your woman! I never agreed to that!" You're dream come true, not that you would say that aloud.

"Guess that means we can't kiss anymore." He looked like he was about to move away, but you grabbed the strap across his chest.

"W-Wait!! I-I guess being your woman wouldn't be the worst thing in the world." He knew secretly you were overjoyed, even if you were trying your hardest to cover it up.

"Whatever ya say shrimp."

"I'm not a shrimp I'm a grown woman!!"

This would be a very interesting relationship.

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ayankun · 3 years

Text

WandaVision episode 6

FIRST OFF

Whenever I go back to pause things for clues, and find exactly what I’m looking for, I don’t feel justified, I feel that much more insane:

It’s really hard to make out, but I had an alright look at it on my folks’ QLED, and it’s definitely a flying saucer doing an alien abduction on what looks to be a person inside an old CRT TV (with some kind of robot head/boombox on top???) There are secret aliens in this show, you guys, the facts don’t lie.

HmmmMMMM I wonder if Agnes is as innocent as she looks:

Also, I didn’t see that she was wearing the brooch in this ep, and I was majorly disappointed in that.

Two things here:

No, that’s not a twins joke.

Another Moonmen Confirmed

I know green is his color or whatever, but that hat is literally 10 years ahead of its time

Also, I took the playing-DDR-at-home scenario at face value, and only on the first rewatch did I realize it was a very pointed turn-of-the-century reference. I am an Old.

There’s a good, subtle Rule of Threes in this ep. The Setup:

The Sokovian Halloween flashback works on so many levels. It’s so funny:

The fact that they went trick-or-treating at all

The “speaking Sokovian”

The treat being a fish

They have to share the fish

The concept that this event gave them an infectious disease

“You probably suppressed a lot of the trauma” -- it’s a good sitcom joke but. the trauma is the joke. The joke IS THE TRAUMA!!!

Elizabeth Olson is a dream with all her wonderful faces she has this ep.

Vision’s unsettling passive-aggression-sitcom-cooperation whiplash is WOW, consider me unsettled!!!!!! “Be. Good.” UGH.

(Just noticed one here, but there are a number of continuity errors in this episode, enough to be distracting later on, and is this a deliberate choice? Please let it be deliberate. I didn’t watch a whole lot of Malcolm in the Middle, is it known for its continuity errors?

)

“It’s their first Halloween.” LOLOLOL they are TEN YEARS OLD and this is their FIRST halloween I LOVE IT

DOUBLE RED HERRING CONFIRRRRRRRRMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agent Jimmy Woo accidentally identifying himself as the sassy best friend added 20 years to my life.

Found. FOUND. Not “created,” “manifested,” “willed into being using my insane witch powers.” Third Party Confirmed.

I like that it’s the 90s and we can swear on TV now. “Hell” “kick-ass” “damn it” “fu---dge”

I think the most biting part of Vision finding the whacked out folks is that the soundtrack just kind of ... ignores that anything’s wrong. Yeah, it’s kinda-spooky Halloween music, but it’s still 100% in-world kinda-spooky-sitcom-Halloween-episode music.

OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE AD:

As a 90s child, let me tell you, this is a blisteringly accurate representation of children’s marketing from the period. The shark is wearing sunglasses AND he has a surfboard!!! And he’s selling you yogurt of all things!!!!! This is the supreme distillation of what being a child in the 90s was like.

How disappointed I am that they went with crab instead of lobster.

Heard it through the grapevine that this is a representative of Wanda’s imprisonment on the Raft. That happened in Civil War, right? So the next ad is The Snap? We’re running out of iconic decades, too. so, hold on, new thought.

90s: Civil War

00s: Infinity War

10s?????: Endgame???? or?????????

??: Whatever happened between Endgame and WandaVision, given that the ads are stepping forward through Wanda’s IRL life events!!

I don’t want to know how many episodes are planned/announced, but I don’t know what to expect from the format after they run out of decades from which to draw. Maybe there are only one or possibly two “sitcom” episodes left. Maybe after that it just breaks down and they can pick and choose from the worlds/styles we’ve already established. That’d be p neat. A very unique kind of chaos.

god she’s so cute

Okay, somebody explain to me Pietro. I honestly walked away from last week thinking he was just some townsperson chump, but then I was reminded that this is the Quicksilver actor from all those X-Mans movies I never watched, soooo people are saying Multiverse Confirmed? But, if this is X-Mans’ Pietro, then why did he die the same as MCU Pietro? Or is he literally MCU!Pietro’s corpse, given that he looked all dead same as when she saw Vision’s corpse? If MCU!Pietro, then why different face???

????????????????

Also I found him highly suspicious, what with all the questions he was asking. But the only sort of person who would truly want to know the answers to those questions would be someone who already had them ... so I think he was just asking on behalf of the audience, and the delivery was all wonked out.

Rule of Threes - The Reference:

Ok, real talk, whenever computers/networks/data/encryption/servers/mainframes et al come up in mainstream media, I just look away. I don’t need the kind of psychic damage that comes with such egregious mishandling of the topic.

That being said, does Hayward having eyes through the barrier mean that he could possibly be involved in getting it set up? Because look. If Hayward-after-Hayward’s-Villianous-Ends is one antagonizing force, then is there really room for the Third Party (Confirmed) antagonizing force that’s lurking in the negative space silhouette of the Inciting Incident? With Wanda as the Red Herring antagonizing force, that’s just. There’s just too many villains, alright? We gotta start merging these plotlines.

(then again, when I just said “eyes” I realize probably understanding the true nature of his new secret “CATARACT” project will clear a lot of things up. I’ll wait for enlightenment)

Agnes’ license plate in this episode is 0A1-B2C, which I think is a reference to the way reality is getting pared down to bare bones at the edge of town. Note that this is not the same license plate number as seen last ep.

ALSO, I drove home behind a NJ plate just an hour ago, and was staring at it for a long time, trying to fit it into the puzzle before A) realizing that this was Real Life and not part of the show and B) WTF is a NJ plate doing in front of me in California. In any case, I can confirm that NJ plates do not appear to have this number-letter repeating format.

So let’s talk Agnes.

Demonstrated knowledge of the situation in ways others haven’t (”There’s the star of the show” “kids, you can’t control ‘em”)

Shows up when needed most (explained as being Wanda’s doing, but is it)

When Wanda was having her babies, though, who was trustworthy enough to be summoned? Was it Agnes?

Wanted to babysit REAL BAD

Was in the opening credits framed possessively with the twins

Doesn’t appear to have an IRL identity according to Jimmy’s crime board

Keeps talking about her husband but we’ve never seen him. Highly unlikely that he’s real

Was the one to find Sparky “dead” - internet thinks she was lying to Wanda about how or possibly if he was dead (I’m trying not to read the theories, so idk exactly what the angle is there)

In an episode where everyone is wearing their original comic outfits, Agnes is dressed as (and laughs like!) a witch

She name-drops Wanda as the one controlling everyone; Norm (or the guy playing Norm) only said “she” and “her” -- meaning Agnes?

Naughty

So we’re 99% sure Agnes is Agatha Harkness, right? I never read no comics, so I’m taking the internet’s word for it, but from what I can tell, I think we must be right. If that’s the case, then I’m thinking it’s not impossible for her to be pulling some strings around here (giving Wanda a justification for her “that wasn’t me” doorbell ring, for example, and pulling a double red herring on the fact that she shows up whenever the narrative Wanda her nefarious scheme calls for it).

To devil’s advocate myself, though, we also have Monica’s word that it was Wanda in her mind, lessening the impact of Agnes falsely confirming what Norm only implied. Also she’d have to be acting for Vision’s sake (and ours) and, if so, then what did Vision’s brain-touch really do, and how did she know he’d find her there, and what did she intend as the result of that interaction etc etc.

If Wanda’s (or Wanda + Third Party Confirmed (Agnes??)’s) powers aren’t enough to sustain the simulation of life on the edges of town, how much worse is it going to be now that there is even more area to try to control???

I don’t know if this is strictly an intended read, but the idea of Halloween as a fun, scares-for-entertainment’s sake type holiday, the rounding off the edges of concepts like “skeletons and ghosts are what people are after they die, let’s decorate the town with them and have a good time” kind of is a haunting parallel to the nature of Wanda (et al) covering up the horrible truth of the situation with this happy-go-lucky sitcom glamour.

How much does one hate seeing Vision giving his life for the greater good (the greater good) for the second time? In other news, I think I’m seeing some specifically Mind Stone type energy-colors coming off of him, and very little Wanda type energy-colors. Third Party Confirmed.

Also, I was thinking from last week that perhaps Hayward’s Villainous Ends included capturing the reanimated Vision to be one of those Sentient Weapons his organization is all about, but I Do Not Think his reaction to seeing that sought-after prize disintegrate in front of his eyes really matches up with that theory. Again, will be patiently waiting for Jimmy to check his email to see what CATARACT is all about!

Rule of Threes - The Payoff:

Also, anyone ID the movie playing in the background?

Ok, final thought. I watched this about four times today, and on the big-ass TV at my parents’ house finally paused and got up close to see what that white shape is in the reflection. Thought it might be a skull, but, it’s worse.

These caps do not contain enough data to verify my claim, but I PROMISE YOU it’s a TV

A square old thing with a round screen and antenna on top.

I SWEAR to you, when I looked into the TV, into Wanda’s eyes, only to see the reflection of a TV, of her looking at me looking at her I had a visceral fear reaction. Like. LEGIT nauseous skin crawl.

(All the other episodes have ended with our POV as the fourth wall, from the general (or exact!!!) position their household TV is known to be.)

This is my favorite show Of All Time.

#WandaVision #1x06 #All-New Halloween Spooktacular!

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 3 years

Text

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Seventy

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

August 27th, 2000

Emile was trying not to bounce around looking at everything on campus, but he couldn’t deny the spring in his step. He was so excited to be around a real college, that he was going to be attending! He was looking forward to this more than words could say, honestly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw another tour group, and noticed one of the guys in it trudging along at the back of the group. Emile inwardly frowned. He had seen this guy around campus a couple times, and every time he looked like he would rather be anywhere else.

Emile resolved to say hi to him at some point. After all, everyone needed at least one friend, and this guy looked like he didn’t have any yet.

August 26th, 2002

Emile led the wide-eyed freshman around the campus with a small smile. All of them were so excitable, chattering about the possibilities of no longer living with their parents, of being able to meet new friends, of getting jobs and being adults. The freshmen were allowed to wander the campus for a bit, and Emile sat down on one of the benches with a sigh. Hesitantly, one of the freshmen from another group approached him. “Uh...sorry to bother you, are you Emile?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” he said, offering a tired grin. “Completely exhausted and certifiably insane, according to my boyfriend.”

“Oh. Um, I can go if you want a break...”

“Nah, it’s okay, sit down,” Emile sat, patting the bench beside him. “What’s eating at you?”

The kid sat down, fiddled with his hands, staring at his lap, then, he looked at Emile and blurted, “I’m not sure if I want to go to college.”

Emile nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” the kid asked. “Everyone I told before just...laughed.”

“I’m not everyone,” Emile said simply. “You’re part of Clara’s group, aren’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. She said I should talk to you about this because of your boyfriend. Um. He’s not part of the freshman orientation, is he?”

Emile laughed. “No!” he exclaimed. “Remy dropped out of college his freshman year and never looked back.”

“Oh,” the kid said. “He doesn’t...regret it?”

“No,” Emile said. “College just wasn’t for him. And that’s perfectly okay for anyone. Granted, he doesn’t talk to his parents anymore, but that’s an entirely different layer of complicated.”

“My parents...they’re kinda overbearing,” the kid said with a grimace. “They didn’t like any of the majors I might have been interested in. They made me choose pre-med. I would have rather gone with English, if I went with anything at all. I know there’s not a lot of jobs for English majors...but I’m not sure about college, period. And I would want to learn what I wanted to learn about.”

Emile nodded. “Makes sense. I’m sorry your parents are like that.”

“Eh. I mean, fourteen years of school later and I have a PhD and no reason to talk to them anymore,” the kid said with a weak smile. “But I don’t want to be here. I don’t like it. I just...I would rather have a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. I could live through retail, and like...maybe I wouldn’t make the most money, but I could do something, you know?”

“Yeah,” Emile said with a nod. “That’s what my boyfriend is doing. Two minimum wage jobs and I work a third, so we get the bills paid and we have food on the table.”

The kid blew out a breath. “I’m jealous,” he said with a weak laugh.

“What’s your name?” Emile asked.

“Darren,” the kid said.

“Darren, I’m going to tell you a secret,” Emile said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You can change your major to whatever you want, and your parents don’t have a say. They don’t need to sign off on it. You’re an adult, you can do it all on your own. Now, I wouldn’t recommend dropping out of college just yet, because if you can get through it without harm, it can help you. But if you really would rather work retail, maybe get a Communications or a Business degree. Those could help you become a manager someplace. Get a job, get your foot in the door, and work your way up the corporate ladder, you know?”

Darren nodded slowly. “I guess...” he said reluctantly. “What if I burn out, though? I’ve already done so much school, more just seems overwhelming...”

“If you burn out you’re under no obligation to continue,” Emile said. “But I of course have to tell you to give it a shot first, if for no other reason than because I’m currently promoting the college.” Darren laughed at that. “Did that answer some of your questions?”

“Yeah,” Darren said, giving him a relieved smile. “College isn’t the only way to go. You know, I think I’m gonna change my major when school starts. And after that, I’ll call my parents and explain. Maybe if they hear how I feel directly from me, they’ll change their mind. In all honesty, I think I could be happiest at a trade school. Maybe they could help me with that.”

“I hope so,” Emile said with a smile. “And if not, you can do it on your own. It won’t be easy, but you can.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Emile,” Darren said, standing.

“Of course!” Emile chirped. “If you ever want to talk more, Clara has an uncanny sense of where I might be at any given time. She can find me.”

Darren laughed with a nod and walked away, a small, hopeful smile on his face.

“You didn’t tell me you’re already a therapist, Emile,” Remy said from behind him.

“I’m not. I’m just a good listener. I listen to what you say and I listen to what he says, and then I use what you’ve told me to talk to him,” Emile said, looking back over the bench with a smile. “What’s up?”

“Just checking on you. Seeing how you’re faring with the gremlins,” Remy said with a grin as he leaned on the back of the bench.

“We were those gremlins not so long ago,” Emile reminded him.

“Ugh, I know. Definitely not my finest moments,” Remy said with an exaggerated shudder and eye-roll.

Emile laughed and Remy rounded the bench to sit with him. “So, how’s everything, mio amore? Are you attacked with nostalgia or are you cringing at the thought that you were bouncier than most of these freshmen?”

“Nostalgia, I guess, although I don’t really get either of those,” Emile said. “I’m more...astounded. Like, these kids are going to be going out into the world on their own in four years, possibly sooner. Looking back on what we did, I’m shocked that we could achieve that. You’re eighteen, nineteen years old, you know you’re not invincible but you still feel like you have a grip on everything, like you understand the world enough to do things on your own...and now we’re sitting here, twenty and twenty one, and we’re both just laughing at how wrong we were.”

Remy nodded. “Brain development is a bitch,” he said simply.

Emile barked out a laugh, clamping a hand over his mouth as he shook in his laughter. “Remy! That’s rude! These kids are technically adults!”

“Technically,” Remy pointed out. “And you just called them kids.”

“Look,” Emile said, trying his hardest to remain serious and failing. “All I’m saying is that looking backwards is weird, knowing what you thought but now realizing that it was so wrong.”

Remy sighed. “Yeah.” He got a glint in his eye that Emile didn’t like. “So I have a question based on that,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

“I don’t like where this is going. Ask me,” Emile said.

“Do you think you’d still donate your sperm today?” Remy asked with a wicked grin.

“Remy!” Emile exclaimed, whacking Remy with his arm. “Can you imagine what would happen if one of the students I was supposed to be teaching about the campus overheard that question?”

“I imagine they’d ask if you got any money for it,” Remy said with a shrug. “Would you?”

Emile made a noise in the back of his throat. “Yeah, probably,” he said. “And I wouldn’t be anonymous, either. Those kids have the right to know where they came from, and if I get sick later down the line they should know there’s a risk for that. I might not be so convinced that someone would actually use it, but...”

“Hey, Emile, you’re cute, you’re smart, and you’re probably gonna end up with a PhD one day. You’d be a catch for any lady at the sperm bank,” Remy said definitively.

“You say that,” Emile laughed. “I don’t know exactly how much you’ll believe it later down the line, when we get older. We’ll probably look back at that decision one day and figure out that I was stupid.”

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Remy said. “You wanted to help families become families. That’s not stupid, that’s admirable.”

“So would you donate yours?” Emile asked.

Remy choked and stared at Emile. “No,” he said. “No. I’ve never had a deep-rooted desire to have a family, whether that’s through donating my sperm or settling down and adopting. Like, I’m not against families, you know? But when it comes to being a dad, I don’t know how well I’d do.”

“How come?” Emile asked.

Remy shrugged. “I dunno. Like, I would not want to end up being like my parents were, you know? And I could overcompensate trying to not be them and wind up ignoring kids, or I could fall back into old habits and hurt them. Like. Okay, looking at us ten to twenty years from now. Assuming we’re still together. Were we to adopt. Could I see myself being a competent dad? I guess. There’s a lot I’d have to work through to get to that point, though.”

“Are you talking, like...therapy, or...?” Emile asked.

Remy sighed. “Emile, I don’t need a therapist. Not at this point in time, maybe not ever after this, you know? But in this hypothetical situation, I could see unforeseen circumstances making me panic and possibly needing to...talk that through with someone. So maybe I don’t need therapy now. But if we’re talking hypotheticals, I’m not blind. I know there could be issues that come up with kids. So in that one specific circumstance, there’s the possibility I’d need therapy. You happy?”

“Is it bad if I say yes?” Emile asked with a little laugh. “Because I’m just glad that you could see yourself needing help and accepting that help.”

Remy wrinkled his nose. “It’s not needing help, it’s therapy.”

Emile blinked. “That’s...those two things are exactly the same, Rem.”

“No, like...therapy is for people with PTSD, or people who got seriously hurt, or people who are stereotypically seen as ‘crazy,’ much as I hate that term,” Remy said. “It’s not just about needing help with, like, feeling like you have a dead-end job or whatever.”

“Rem, that’s exactly what it is,” Emile said. “Therapy is help with whatever is bugging you in your life at that moment. So you went to therapy because your parents were making you suicidal. That doesn’t mean that it can’t help with smaller things.”

Remy squinted at Emile, and Emile rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe we’re back to arguing about this. We went through this freshman year, Rem!”

“Yeah, but you’re...you’re describing it differently,” Remy said.

“Not really,” Emile said. “You’re seeing it in a different light, because you’ve matured.”

Remy frowned. “I don’t get therapy. I just don’t.”

“That’s okay, since you’re not the one training to be a therapist,” Emile said with a little laugh. “Although, I will say that I agree with you, by and large. You don’t need a therapist.”

Remy looked shocked. “You’re agreeing with me on that one?”

“You’re well-adjusted, all things considered,” Emile said with a shrug. “Whether or not you want therapy or could benefit from therapy is a different question. But right now, you don’t need a therapist.”

“I...wow,” Remy said. “That may be the first time you’ve ever said that I don’t need mental help.”

“I hate when you phrase it like that,” Emile said. “It makes you sound like you’re that stereotypical ‘crazy person.’ People who go to therapy just need help, period. Not in the ‘they’re hopeless’ way, but in the ‘they’re struggling and this is how they find their footing’ way.”

Remy considered. “And that’s all it is?”

“That’s all it is,” Emile said. “And you don’t need a therapist, and I won’t force you to find one. But I will say that if you do ever need help again, there’s no shame in that.”

“...Yeah,” Remy said. “I think I’m starting to figure that out.”

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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supertweetycherry · 4 years

Text

DIE HARD || [iv. Girl Talks and Boys]

—Pairings: BTS x OC

—Genre: BTS Mafia Au, Slight Fluff, Angst (a lot of it), Heartbreak, Thriller

—Ratings: 18+ | MA Content | R

—Warnings: Abuse, Rude Behaviour, Fighting, Blood, Death, Weapons/Blades and Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Killing.

—Summary: She belong to them. They belong to her. It’s simple as that. Period.

—Word Count: 7k

Navigations -> Masterlist || MASTERPOST <<Part 2 || Part 4>>

Chapter 3 - Girl Talks and Boys

“—the local law enforcements in South Korea are still working on the case of the famous murder mystery of the Lee Enterprise executive director, Jung Jae-hee. The case has become a global interest as it is related to the world’s most dangerous and notorious gang of the decade. Tweets, news articles and unseen videos are being surfaced around the web, with ‘Bangtan’ trending on social media. It is being speculated that the notorious group of viscous killers are residing here in America, causing fear and a state-wide panic around the country. The United States government has yet to say anything official about the rumors. Till then, the focus has been shifted onto the murder case and the increasing mafia activities in South Korea—”

Yoona hummed to herself as she sipped onto her herbal tea for the tenth time in the past hour. Her small fingers cupping the warm cup as her ears continued to pick up the words of the nearest news channels playing in the large cafeteria.

It has been few days since the actual incident and people are still continuing to hear the old, recycled news over and over again. The amount of channels covering this piece of segment for the last few days has left a large gaping hole in Yoona’s ears. She was sick, tired and exhausted of it.

Yes, a murder happened in her home country.

Yes, the victim was her former boss.

And yes, the culprits might be the worldwide famous gang called ‘Bangtan’. A native Korean gang who had appeared out of nowhere.

So what? Deal with it!

Yoona sighed loudly as she buried her face into her arms. Her ears picked up the change in the news reporter’s voice. It seemed more feminine now. Pulling her head up a bit, she glanced at the large TV as a new segment rolled in.

“—moving on, the three-day search for the two college girls in Beverly Hills has now come to an end as the local authorities here in the downtown Los Angeles, discovered a series of dead bodies in the Chinatown district of the city. A total of five girls were found, dead and tortured, with their vital organs missing from their bodies. Two of those bodies matched the description of the two missing girls while others are still unaccounted for. The bodies have started to decompose suggesting that they’ve been dead for quite a while before a citizen of Chinatown found them in a ditch near his area—”

The 26 year old groaned and rubbed her ears in frustration as the segment ate her brain up, again. She dipped her head back into her arms, pushing the warm beverage away from her fingers. Sure, she felt remorse, pity and sadness for the dead girls but it also annoyed her that her surroundings are filled with so much of negativity. It triggered her in a way that she didn’t like.

That is until... a large folder slammed onto the white table infront of her. The loud bang that erupted from it was enough for yoona’s tired, aching muscles to tense up again. She had to hold down her cup tightly before it could jump and topple down the table due to the vibrations.

“You know, a small warning would have been sufficed.” Yoona said slowly as she threw a slight glare at the person who dared to interrupt her personal ‘me-time’.

“Bitch please. You should be happy that a mere peasant like you has the honour to be in my holy presence. Not even kings can afford me.”

This only earned the intruder a mocking eye-roll from the 26 year old beauty.

“Don’t you have work to do, your highness?” Yoona mocked as her shaking nerves relaxed. She pulled herself up and continued to drink her warm tea. But it wasn’t warm anymore.

“Not when there’s juicy gossip.” Her friend smirked before shoving the said folder in Yoona’s direction. Yoona stared at it blankly. It was black in colour and looked quite thick. “It’s about Jung Jae-hee.”

“No.”

The mere mention of the late director was enough for Yoona to do a 360 turn and never look back again. She picked up her cold tea and left the small table she was sitting on.

“Yuriii...”

“No, Suzy.” Yoona ignored her friend’s whining as she dumped her cold tea through the drain before leaving the blue coloured cup in the sink. “Why are you all so obsessed with her death? People die all the time. Just get over it.”

The little shiver in the older girl’s voice should have been enough for Suzy to stop pestering her friend. But like the stubborn chick she is, Suzy continued in her voyage to tell the new juicy gossip she had discovered recently.

Yoona didn’t like it when her only friend gave her a sudden smirk before pushing her right through the fire exit’s door and right into the stairs that suddenly appeared in her view.

“Suzy!” Yoona exclaimed when she realised that the younger girl had practically kidnapped her.

“Shush.”

“But—”

“I said shush, Yuri. I need some girl time with you. And this, my friend, is the best way we can relish our old memories, considering hardly anyone looks our way these days.”

That was true. Yoona couldn’t deny that fact. They were the noisy, cheap girls of the company. No-one gave them a second glance unless they needed a one-night stand or something. Yoona wasn’t exactly sure how they gained that reputation. She had never been active in her love life unlike her friend, Suzy. Yoona had kept herself quiet, timid and hidden most of the time. Infact, she’s a pure virgin, with no skills at batting her eye lashes at any pretty boy. So, why?

“You want us to bond over a murder case?”

“No, I want us to bond over the world’s most dangerous species... boys.” The girl exclaimed, making Yoona groan.

Boys is a topic that Yoona tends to stay away from. There are just too many old and painful memories associated with them.

“Come on, don’t be a spoil sport. There are many varieties in here.” Suzy insisted as she pulled Yoona near the steel railings where they found a clean spot to sit on. The older girl didn’t like how open and wide spread the exit was. She peeked down to see an array of blue stairs leading down to the ground floor. They were designed in a zigzag formation, continuing on and on for what seemed like, forever.

It wasn’t Yoona’s first time at being kidnapped by her friend. Suzy had done that to her many times on multiple different occasions. But today, the familiar scenery of the descending stairs was unwelcoming. Not to mention, the see-through glass that acted as the walls of this passageway was too exposing and open for her taste. She could literally see the giant skyscrapers from here with a visibility record of 100%.

Yeah... Lee Enterprise is too rich for their own good.

“So, this baby here—” Suzy held up the thick folder. “—was delivered to the queen boss this morning. And like the curious, evil person I am, I snagged it before she could have a chance to read through the papers.”

Yoona raised her eyebrows at this before shaking her head in disappointment.

“No wonder files kept disappearing around Ji-Soo. She’s too dumb to notice her surroundings.”

“Exactly.” Suzy smirked before flipping through the pages. “And that is how ARIA files must have been stolen from her desk. She really needs to invest in a good secretary.”

Yoona couldn’t help but smile at this. Her uncle’s plaything ‘ARIA’ has been unresponsive for the past few days. The files continued to be missing while no-one has any idea as to what has been going on with ARIA. The large casino building is one of their major money-making sites here in the American branch.

“Anyways, back to the topic, there’s a postmortem report in this folder indicating that our lovely girl, Jung Jae-hee, might not be so innocent as we thought.” Suzy teased, flickering to a page filled with numerous Hangul symbols. “I’m not great at reading Hangul, but by the look of this, I can tell, Jae-hee had an intimate intercourse with her killer. It was right before she was killed. How exciting is that?”

Yoona was spooked by her friend’s glazed eyes.

“Exciting? How is it exciting?” She questioned.

“You very dumb dumb bimbo...” Suzy groaned, hitting Yoona on the head. “Jae-hee was known to have a special, unique taste in men. Whoever she chose to be worthy of her attention, was a diamond from the rarest mines. Think about all the boys that surrounded her. Danny, Brad, Jackson, Bambam and our very own, Taemin.”

The older girl scoffed at her eldest cousin’s name.

“Taemin had a crush on her?” Yoona asked, whacking her brain to remember all the interactions between the two people she despises.

“He still does. Why do you think this baby is here in my hands?” Suzy said in glee, pointing at the opened folder.

“So, what’s the point?”

“The point is that my dear Yuri, Jae-hee had an impeccable taste in men. Which means whoever she had sex with was just as impeccable as her taste. Wanna see who that could be? There are few delicious choices in here.”

The older girl felt scared at her friend’s weird taste in men. She wanted them to bond over a series of hot killers? No thanks.

“No.” Yoona said, shaking her head. “You seriously have a messed up kink regarding these ‘delicious choices’. I’m not interested.” She continued, standing up on her feet.

“Honey, you haven't experienced the dark, steamy side of the world of guns. So women up and sit down.” The younger girl pressured, tugging down on Yoona, forcibly. The force of the little tug, sent the older girl spiralling down onto her bottom.

“Ya!” Yoona shrieked but was ignored by the younger girl.

Suzy threw a smirk in Yoona’s direction before she opened her mouth to recite the names of the killers like an intimate, sex broadcast on a radio.

Yeah, she was that crazy.

“Suspect number one: Do Kyung-soo. Code name is D.O. Height is unknown and DOB is unknown. His occupation is being a freelance hot-headed assassin. He has a body count of 256 people including both women and children. He fights with his hands and bites with his mouth. Known to be very brutal with his victims and has a large thirst towards sex. He’s the maniac elf that even the local law enforcement can’t control.” Suzy read off the folder as Yoona sighed in defeat. She made herself comfortable on the stairs before glancing at the photo of the man that her friend was so intimately reading about.

“The guy looks normal to me.” Yoona commented, not feeling any kind of attraction from the young-ish looking boy. “He’s a bit cute, but not cute enough.”

“You hardly feel anything towards any boy, sweetheart.”

Yoona forced a smile back in her friend’s direction. If only her friend knew about the lost boys from her past.

“So, who’s next?”

Suzy gave a bright smile to Yoona. She patted the older girl in affection before flipping the page to the next person.

“Suspect number two: Kwon Ji-yong. Code name: G-dragon. He’s a sniper, mainly works for the local gang called ‘Big Bang’. But it says here, he’s known to have involved in various assassinations of high profile victims. He’s a bit old for our age but still, he has an impeccable taste in women. Who knows Jae-hee might have fucked him before she departed to hell.”

Yoona looked closely at the picture. The guy looked a bit familiar. Or was it his eyes that reminded her of someone?

“Wait...” she said slowly, letting an old memory resurface. “Isn’t he—”

“Yup. The one and only.” Suzy nodded, cutting her off with a wicked smirk. “Jae-hee must have been one lucky girl to bang one of the most wanted criminals in the world.”

Kwon Ji-yong, AKA the G-dragon, was one of the snipers who was involved in the assassination of Donald Trump, the deceased president of United States of America. The attack took place an year ago. Upon deeper investigations, it was revealed that a series of snipers and killers were hired to kill the president. It was a month of horror for all of Americans and the president himself. There were so many attacks, so many explosions, the streets were flooded with criminals trying to get to the 73 year old man. But in the end, it was the two Asian killers who managed to cut the old man off. And Kwon Ji-yong was one of those Asian killers. The only one who had his face plastered on every news channel.

“Wow..” Yoona gaped at the new information.

“I know right? When I saw him, I had the same reaction.” Suzy commented, running her fingers through the photo. “Too bad he's a wanted criminal. I would have loved to bang this beauty.”

Yoona cringed at the cliche.

“He has a tattoo.” She offered, trying to get Suzy’s glazed eyes off the photo. “A large insect tattoo.”

“So he does.” Her friend teased with a devilish smirk.

“And multiple ear piercings.”

“So he does.”

“He’s not good. He’s bad.”

“Doesn’t matter to me.” Suzy countered with another smirk. “After all, bad boys are known to bring the heaven to you.”

Yoona groaned at her friend’s infatuation with criminal boys. The very first year into their friendship, Yoona had discovered the crazy obsession of bad boys that lives inside the younger girl. It peeked out from time to time whenever the younger girl’s sexual frustration increased, which by the way was a lot of times. Maybe that’s why the 24 year old was no longer a virgin. The pure innocence was lost in a dark, steamy one night stand three years ago.

“You’re still stuck on that boy, aren’t you?” Yoona questioned when she saw Suzy fingering the little trinket in her neck. It was a little necklace piece shaped into a Bluebell, hanging dangerously close to her round cleavage. It always makes a bell like noise whenever it was moved by her fingers or her olive skin.

“Who?” Suzy asked, snapping out of her glazed look. She was still fingering the little necklace.

“You know... that tall, steamy, purple-haired sex god who let you ride him for hours and hours.” Yoona teased, finally enjoying the moment.

A small hue of red appeared on Suzy’s cheeks. Her lips curled into a small smile as a warm feeling entered her chest.

Yoona chuckled at the blushing young girl. That boy must have been very special to cause the great Bae Suzy to blush like a little girl.

“Hush... stop laughing. It’s not funny. We’re going off topic!” Suzy exclaimed, flicking at Yoona’s obvious giggling state. “Yuri, Stop!” The younger begged. “We have to focus on Jae-hee!”

“Oh come on!” Yoona whined, flicking at the folder. “I’m more interested in your steamy one night stand than this folder full of lazy criminals.” The words caused Suzy’s ears to turn red. “Come on, let me do the honours.”

A terrified look appeared in Suzy’s eyes. Before the younger girl could react, Yoona had already snatched the folder out of Suzi’s fingers before throwing it over the railings. It clattered down the small, narrow gap quietly before a loud thump was heard indicating that the thick file has touched down on the ground floor.

Suzy gaped at her friend’s actions before looking down the railings. Yoona followed the same movements, only to discover the large heap of flying papers still descending down the stairs slowly due to the air and their light weight. The black folder itself was lying limply on the bottom floor like a dead man.

“Y-you just... oh my god!” Suzy couldn’t form the words. She looked so shocked that Yoona tried not to look too guilty. Looks like her habits of being unpredictable were acting up again. “That was Ji-soo’s file you dumb child! I was gonna put it back. But now it’s...”

“Don’t worry, she’ll just think it’s lost like the ARIA files.” Yoona shrugged before pulling the younger girl away from the railings. “Now tell me more about your knight in the shinning armour.”

It’s funny how Yoona changed her mood so quickly. A moment ago she wanted nothing more than to run away from Suzy’s constant prodding into her dead boss’s case and now, she wanted nothing more than Suzy to tell her about the dreamy boy she encountered in her euphoric adventures three years ago. She didn’t even care about the giant stairwell that was now flooded with colourful photographs and Korean paperwork outlining the details of a very sensitive case around America and South Korea. Something that could put a lot of people in a tight spot.

“Please?” Yoona begged, trying not to cringe at herself. Suzy looked tormented between her friend and the file on the bottom floor. After few seconds, she sighed in defeat.

“Why do you want to know so much about my man, lady?” Suzy countered, not liking the sudden interest.

Yoona grinned to herself. I’m interested because then you will forget about that stupid murder case and not give me anymore of those painful headaches that I’m already dealing with. She played the words in her mind.

“Because I love a good romantic story.” She beamed at the younger girl. Lies. I hate romantic stories. They always end up with a sad ending. Like mine did.

“Fine.” Suzy agreed, still giving her friend a suspicious look. She clapped her hands before opening her mouth to recite the memorable night once again. But before she could, a loud noise from down below interrupted them. They both panicked as they heard a hoard of footsteps making up the staircase.

With no time to think, they sprinted out of the same fire exit door that they originally came through, just barely escaping the steely eyes of the eldest Lee child who was sprinting up the stairs to find the person who stole the files from his sister’s desk.

He grumbled when he couldn’t find anyone and stared hopelessly at the mess of photos and papers that covered the stairwell, revealing the origins of his illegal sources.

“Fuck.”

*******

“—it has now been confirmed that the missing vital organs of the girls found dead earlier in Chinatown, are up on the black market to be sold to the highest bidder. The local police force are trying to trace the source of origin, but nothing has been found yet. With this new killing spree, young girls are advised to stay in their homes until the culprit has been arrested. The death of these girls has raised awareness issues around—”

“I can’t believe he actually did that.” Jongin commented as he grimaced at the graphic pictures being displayed on the large TV. His elder brother who sat beside him also looked uncomfortable. “Hyung, you should keep him in South Korea. He’s too brutal for America.”

“I wish I could, Kai. But I might have pissed him off real bad this time.” Minseok admitted as he shivered at the screams he heard that day. He was a member of the mafia too. He has seen his fair share of murders and has indulged in various killings but bangtan?... Bangtan is on a completely different level compared to him. They were ruthless and crazy-minded.

“Where is he now?”

“Honestly speaking... I don’t know.” Minseok replied with a shake of his head. He exhaled loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I have a feeling he’s still here, lurking around somewhere in the city.”

A tensed silence passed through them. Their body tensed up at the thought of their cousin still roaming around somewhere in the city. It’s dangerous for that guy to be here. The man had the most unstable mind in the group despite being the oldest and most responsible. He was an obsessed freak.

“This is too depressing for my liking.” The younger joked. Minseok couldn’t help but smile at the lame joke.

“Yeah, it is.”

There was a small pause between them, before Jongin spoke again.

“I wish Chen hyung was here. I miss him.”

The words were quiet and faint to the normal ears, but with minseok’s enhanced hearing, he heard every syllable. He also heard the painful longing that was hidden behind the tone. He looked at his youngest brother with a sad smile.

Kim Seokjin wasn’t the only one who had lost his love that night. Minseok had lost one of his little brothers that day. Kim Jongdae. He usually went by ‘Chen’. He was assigned as a bodyguard for the lovely Lee Yoona, swearing and dedicating his life to protect the girl who has once saved him when he was little.

“I miss him too, bud.” Minseok replied with the same tone. He really wanted his little brother back. But it was too late. The cheerful, playful boy was gone. He died that night, taking three shots to the chest for the very girl he was trying to protect.

Unknown to the Kim family, somewhere back in their home country, in a dark, dirty cell, a man laid on the floor, whimpering from the recent torture he has just received. His face was half burnt. His body was filled with numerous scars and painful wounds. He was shaking on the cold floor as he cried himself to sleep, thinking of only one thing. His brothers.

*******

“That was a close call.”

Yoona couldn’t agree more. She was slumped down onto her soft, leathery chair, relaxing as she closed her eyes and thought about the unexpected getaway she was involved in few hours ago. All thanks to Suzy of course.

The older girl glared at the younger girl who was invading her cubicle like a tall tree. Suzy’s eyes were focused on Yoona’s slumped state. After their hurried escape, they had separated into different directions, promising to meet up after the coast was clear.

“How can you be so relaxed, Yuri? We nearly got caught this morning!” Suzy whispered-yelled in a low voice. She was sitting on Yoona’s desk, a pile of papers acting as her cushion underneath her curved butt.

“The only thing I care about is that we escaped. And the fact that I will never let myself be kidnapped by you again.” Yoona muttered, poking a tongue out at the younger girl.

Her friend pouted.

“Oh come on!” Suzy whined. “We both know you were enjoying it.”

“Correction. You were enjoying it, I wasn’t. I was miserable.”

Wrong move.

“Fine, then be miserable forever.” The younger girl hissed before jumping off the table and leaving the workspace.

Yoona shook her head in disappointment. She was used to Suzy’s unexpected angry tantrums. Rubbing her head in complete tiredness, Yoona stood up and made her way to the furthest water station that served cold water and some cold ice cubes. Something that she truly needs to soothe the pain in her head.

Despite her bruises being healed, she still felt her body ache from time to time. The lack of a nutritional diet and her constant voyages of skipping meals produced sudden headaches and body weaknesses inside her. It sometimes affected her health in a bad way, but it doesn’t faze her even one bit. She’s careless with her existence. It’s something she has tried to work on but she never had the right motivation.

“Ahh... this feels nice.” She mutters to herself. The small bag of ice cubes was now placed against her forehead as she sipped onto the cold water quietly. The coldness from the bag was seeping into her skin, soothing the hot pain that penetrated her forehead like fire. She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep right here and then. But something stopped her.

A loud voice echoing behind her.

“ENOUGH!”

The loud volume of the voice was enough to tell her that it was coming from the nearest cabin which turned out to her uncle’s. Putting her makeshift ice bag and the water cup down, she walked further down the corridor that led to her uncle’s cabin. The curiosity cat inside her was bubbling to know the reason behind the loud voice. Her body shook in nervousness as her feet led her to a slightly ajar door. She stepped a bit closer and peaked through the small open space.

Her cousin Ji-Soo was crying as she held her right cheek with her hand. The tears that tickled down the younger girl’s face almost made Yoona regret her decision to eavesdrop. It was then her eyes travelled to the fuming figure that stood like an angry bull, pointing his angry, blazing eyes at his own daughter.

“Do you see this, Ji-Soo?” The man screeched, holding a stack of papers in her cousin’s face. “This means that someone transferred the property on their name, leaving us with no authorities over ARIA. They took possession of our one of the largest money making revenues in America. Do you know how it could affect our reputation here? Or back home? We will be mocked!”

Yoona griped the door frame a bit harder. She wasn’t surprised at the news, considering the disappearance of the property files was a dead giveaway, but she did feel a bit disappointed though. It doesn’t matter if Lee Enterprise is being controlled by her uncle right now. The company is still part of her family’s legacy. Any losses that it faces, it affected her directly. She had a sense of duty towards it. ARIA was one of the true blessings to their company. It brought a good fortune to them. So, loosing the property was a big disappointment to her.

“Appa, I swear it wasn’t my fault. I had no idea.” The younger girl whimpered as Yoona felt a pang of guilt hit her. She felt an urge to hug the girl. Despite her younger cousin’s hatred towards her, Ji-Soo was still her partially blood sister. Whether she admits it or not, they were related by blood. So, when her uncle raised her hand to hit Ji-Soo again, Yoona’s heart clenched at the sight. She held herself back from entering just in time to see another tall figure blocking the raised hand.

Taemin.

Her oldest cousin. The brother who fiercely loved his sisters except Yoona. He stood over Ji-Soo like a protective tiger.

“It wasn’t her fault.” He said firmly, gazing into the man’s eyes who gave him birth. Yoona bit her lip in silence. She felt jealous that her younger cousin is so lucky to have such a protective brother on her side. It nearly made her miss her dead sister who promised to stay by her side forever too.

“You of all people should know that Ji-Soo would never do this, dad. The files were stolen. It’s not her fault.”

The elder man huffed angrily at his son. He exhaled loudly before returning back to his seat.

Yoona felt a bit awkward standing there. She was about to move away is when her cousin’s next words stopped her.

“I know who did this.” His voice was laced with venom. “I know who stole the papers and sold them to a bidder.” There was a forced silence in the air, before he spoke again. “The Kim Industries.”

A sudden chill went down Yoona’s back. She lost the ability to breathe for a second. It’s been years since she had heard that name.

“Don’t be ridiculous. They all died that night.” Her uncle countered, grumbling to himself.

“No, not them. Their extended family. Kim Minseok.”

Yoona felt her eyes water at the familiar name. Minseok was one of the supposed brother she had when everyone was still alive. He took care of her just like her older sister. But after that night, he never got in contact with her. She figured either the man didn’t know she was alive or he hated her for killing his brothers. Four members from the Kim family died that night. It was enough for anyone to hate her, considering they all died protecting her.

“He’s been inactive for years, son.” The eldest Lee said, resting his head on his chair. Yoona could see Ji-Soo cowering in her spot on the fancy couch. “He’s an emotional mess due to his brothers deaths.”

Guilt hit Yoona like a wave of water. Was the man she considered as her older brother was really messed up due to his brothers deaths? Does that mean he hates her?

“Kim Minseok has been very much involved with everything we have neglected, dad.” Taemin’s voice echoed through the small gap. “He’s been eating off our hands without a blink from us. I just discovered his little projects.” A slam of a heavy folder sounded among the room. “He has been gambling in the mafia since the very beginning, staying under the radar to avoid us. All the projects we have been involved in, his company, Kim industries, has been snagging them one by one. And ARIA is one of them. Even after those little bastards are dead, their family line still continued to dominate us.”

The 26 year old felt her fingers grip the doorframe tightly.

“How far off is he?” There was a thick tension radiating from the room. Everything had gone so quiet suddenly.

“Far enough to topple down the lowest of our rank in the circle.”

The circle. Yoona has heard about them before. A mysterious group of leaders. The term has come up in many of her uncle’s secret conversations when she had accidentally stumble upon them. Like today.

There was a silence in the room before something creeked and the door she was leaning on, swung open, toppling her balance and crashing her down to the floor. She groaned slightly at the pain. That was until someone gripped her hair and dragged her into the room.

She bit onto her lips from screaming out.

“We have a pest here, dad.” Yoona gulped as she recognised the harsh voice of her oldest cousin. Her luck has finally ran out. “Let’s teach her a little lesson.”

Squeezing her eyes shut, she waited for the fateful slap that would grace her cheek... but after a minute of waiting, it never came. She slowly opened her eyes to see what was happening.

Taemin’s raised hand was being blocked off by another arm. The arm that was covered in a stripy grey suit with the finest material known to mankind. Only one person in the family has a taste for rare things. Her uncle.

“Leave her.” Her uncle’s firm voice cut through the thick silence. Both of his children stood gaping at the man. As for Yoona, she was surprised and shocked to hear the words. Lee Sung-Woo has never defended Yoona before. Her uncle was the one who gave his wife and children permission to torment her with verbal, physical and mental abuse. He let them break her down into bits as he watched from his throne quietly, not giving any care to his beaten and bruised niece. So, why now?

“But dad—”

“I said, leave her.” The older man repeated the words with a dark undertone to his voice. His son shivered before dropping his hand to his side. Yoona glanced at her eldest cousin, only to see him glaring at her. Something told her that she was still in the danger zone.

The elder Lee turned to face her, his light brown eyes boring into her dark ones.

“Get up, Yoona. I have a job for you.” He said, giving her a genuine smile that raised red flags in her head. His face showed the kind features he had mastered over the years while his eyes reflected his true intentions towards her.

Still stunned by his words, Yoona didn’t move from her position on the ground. She still sat on her knees, dress ruffled at places and hair pulled out into a messy hodgepodge due to her eldest cousin’s tight grip on her.

A sudden pain enveloped her when the same man applied a bit of strain onto her escaping roots, causing her to whimper softly.

“Don’t push your luck, pest.” She clenched her jaw at his words, holding herself back from bitting at him. It will sign her an eternity of pain if she ever did.

Slowly but surely, the 26 years old beauty picked herself up from the floor. She stood on her feet with shaky legs as her uncle walked back to his leather chair in the middle of the room.

“I won’t ask you how much you have heard because I know you have heard everything.” The male spoke, rubbing his hands together. “And frankly, it’s a good thing you know this now.” Yoona was puzzled by his words. “Do you remember Minseok?” She nodded which earned her a small laugh from him. “He always stuck around you and your sister like a magnet.”

Yoona bit her lips. Was he mocking her?

By now, she has been forcibly pushed onto a chair, across from her uncle’s table.

“Do you know he hates you?” Her body stiffened. “I bet this vendetta he has going on against Lee Enterprise is because of you. I mean, you were the reason for the death of his brothers after all. How can he not hate you?” Yoona felt a chill run down her back at those words. Her chest ached at the idea of Kim Minseok hating on her. She knew he did, but it hurts a lot when someone say that to her directly. “You very well know who was the target that night.” Yes, she knew. Yoona was the target. Lee Yoona and her older sister. The offspring of the current Lee family.

“And you know why he—” Before he could continue, Yoona cut him off with her hand banging on the dark polished table.

“You don’t need to tell me the past because I know what happened.” She hissed, trying to keep her tears at bay. “I know they died because of me. What do you actually want, uncle?”

A sudden pull on her hair was enough to know that his bratty children are acting up again. She could feel the long nails behind this one. It has to be her darling female cousin.

“Let her go, Ji-Soo.”

“But appa...”

“Let. Her. Go.” The younger child growled before letting go of Yoona’s hair. The 26 year old was surprised at the sudden change in her younger cousin’s behaviour. One moment she was crying and the second she’s on her feet like a wild cat, ready to tear her apart.

“What do you want from me?” Yoona demanded after a full minute of silence.

Traces of a faint smile appeared on her uncle’s lips. He pulled something out of his nearest cabinet and slapped it down onto the table infront of her. She stared at it blankly. It was a large yellow envelope about the size of an A4 page.

“I want you to go on a little trip for me. It’s indefinite of course.” He pointed to the envelope. “All your tickets, identity papers and everything else is in that envelope. You are going to be starting a new life. A new name, a new look and a new identity. Congrats Yoona, you are the new executive director of Lee Enterprise for the Korean branch. You’re going back home.”

“What?!” Three different voices in the room screamed, and Yoona was one of them.

“What do you mean?” She asked, stunned at the words he just blurted out.

His children were also looking at him in shock. Ji-soo’s hand was curled around a nearby couch pillow while Taemin’s fist was turning white due to the pressure he was applying on the chair next to Yoona.

The 26 year old flinched when the leather of the chair curved inwards at the raw strength. She looked at her uncle in obvious shock and fear.

“We need a new person to take the position. It been chaotic in our home country. Since you are practically useless to me right now, I have assigned you as the acting head. The position is yours to work with.”

“What—No!” Ji-Soo said in outrage. “That’s my position! How could you just give it to her?”

“I don’t need to explain my reasons to you, Ji-Soo.”

“But appa—” the girl looked appalled at her father.

“Leave my office. Both of you. Now.” The direct order was cold and piercing to his children’s hearts. The man who had never raised his voice on his kids, unless they did something wrong, is choosing their dirty cousin over them.

When Yoona heard the loud slams of the cabin’s door, she lifted her eyes up to the old man.

“Let’s talk in peace, shall we?”

********

Meanwhile, miles away from America and right into the heart of South Korea, a dark figure, clad in the most darkest attire of an assassin, battled his way through a crowd of armed men as his silver blade pierced through their bodies one by one. With each duck and with each stroke of his blade, blood spilled out onto him like splashes of water. The oncoming rain from above hit him like bullets as he rolled on the wet pavement and slashed at yet another men. His clothing that was designed in the most expensive polymer, tightened around his lean figure as he bent, jumped and rolled under various stalls to avoid the oncoming slaughter of the real bullets, aimed directly at his prominent limbs.

“Ya, hyung!” A childish voice whined from behind him. “Hurry up and save me already. I’m hungry!” A young boy said, jingling the silver metal cuffs on his wrist. He was sitting on a nearby stall, sucking onto a lollipop as armed men surrounded him.

The boy was unfazed by the ring leader who tried to make him cower in fear.

“Pali, Pali hyung!” He whined again when the ring leader tried to take away his lollipop. “Ya! You little cockroach, let go of my lollipop or I swear I’ll stuff your butthole with them.”

The assassin who was in the middle of a trio fight, shook his head in annoyance. He bent and rolled on the ground, letting his blade do the work instead.

“Aish.. this kid.” He muttered to himself before throwing one of his trusty knives at the grubby hands of the ring leader. The old, puggy man screeched in pain as his right hand is pierced by a pointy blade in the shape of a Star. “Stay the fuck away from my brother’s lollipop!”

The said brother smiled and continued to suck on the juicy blob of sugar.

Another minute passed, and the assassin’s enemies has decreased in numbers. Bodies piled up the wet pavement as the last of the armed men fell to the ground with a sliced neck. The only one remained was the puggy ring leader and his two trusted men.

“Daebak! Hyung, your awesome!” The younger boy cheered, clapping his cuffed hands together like a teenage Pom Pom girl. His light brown hair also bounced as he jumped up and down.“I feel so proud. My hyung is the best!”

The said hyung scoffed. He has heard that line several times from the younger boy on many different occasions.

“You say the same thing to others, Jungkookie.”

“No, I don’t.” The boy lied, giving the elder a huge, innocent pout. The tongue that has now turned blue due to the lollipop he has been sucking, lapsed around his puffy lips like a little boy. “Pali, Pali! Save me and let’s go for dinner.” He whined again, pouting his lips and widening his doe-eyes.

“Aish...” The said assassin grumbled before raising his sword like a true ninja. He grit his teeth and charged at the last remaining set of men.

A minute later, all three them fell lifelessly on the ground with broken limbs. The younger bunny boy cheered, jumping on the stall like a little kid.

“Yay! Let’s go for hotdogs now!”

The assassin clad in black huffed and wiped his sword clean with his sleeves. He stashed it back into its holster behind him before tugging on his younger brother’s metal cuffs and pulling him off the stall with one hard pull.

The said boy stumbled to his feet before landing on the wet pavement with a thud. His pretty, child-like face turned into a scowl as he felt the rain water seep into his black pants.

“Hyung!” He exclaimed angrily.

“This is the only favour I’m doing for you, Jungkookie” The assassin said in a husky voice as he removed his face mask. He pulled his hood back, revealing a nest of dark orange hair. “Go back home or I’ll dob on you. Next time you get kidnapped by goons, fight your way out. Don’t call me for help.”

“But it’s fun watching you fight.” The boy whined innocently. But he stopped when he noticed his hyung’s narrowed eyes. “Fine. Whatever.”

And with that he pulled himself up on his feet, discarding the metal cuffs on the ground with no help. His hands swiped another lollipop out of his pocket before he skipped away, throwing a simple smirk over his shoulders.

“I swear I’m going to skewer him one day.” The assassin mumbled before shaking his head. Who is he kidding? The bright, sunny angel inside him would never let the dark ninja kill his maknae.

Stupid brotherly bonds.

Tag List: @demonic-meatball, @youtube-obsessed-duh, @trinityautumn, @original-internetmonster, @seoul9711, @jinniesjoon94

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blindprof · 3 years

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It’s Complicated

When people first hear me say that I am blind or severely visually impaired (B/VI), the most common reaction is surprise…followed by sympathy…followed most often by awkward silence. This is totally understandable. Unless you are regularly interacting with differently abled people, disabilities are uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people who live with other forms of disability.

Heck, I’m still awkward around other people who are B/VI. And even this is understandable. Because each person is unique. Each manifestation of visual impairment is unique. Each path to and with B/VI is unique. Each person has unique life experiences, coping mechanisms, support networks, etc. We are all strangers in a strange land. I’ll have other posts dedicated to the whack-a-doo personal and social psychology of B/VI. For now, the focus remains on the physical, or rather the perceptual.

The second reaction is usually a question: “How bad is it” or “What do you see?” And my answer is “It’s complicated.”

In my first post, I laid out some more technical details: I have a visual field that is less that 10 degrees, night blindness, color blindness, uncorrectable myopia, light sensitivity, etc. But it’s not apparent how these details really affect what I see and how that impacts what I can do. This post will go into greater detail into what and how I see. Later posts will focus on how I (try to, with varying levels of success, stupidity, and hilarity) cope with these limitations.

It probably makes sense to start with my visual field, as this is the aspect of my vision that “qualifies” me as legally blind. However, before getting to that, we really need a basic understanding of how humans see. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short and simple.

It may be easiest to compare the eye to a modern digital camera. A camera lens gathers and focuses light; it also constrains the amount of light passing through by altering the size of a mechanical aperture. In the human eye, these functions are performed by the lens and the pupil, respectively. In a digital camera, the lens focus light onto a CCD or CMOS sensor, which is a dense grid of light sensitive “pixels,” each generating a small electrical charge proportional to how much light (within a certain wavelength) is hitting it. The human retina is the biological, electrochemical equivalent. Finally, a digital camera has wires that transport these electrical signals to a computer, which then interprets the signals to create a digital image. Here, the human analogues are the optic nerve and the visual cortex within the brain.

As I noted in my first post, I have Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP), which primarily impacts my retina. Due to the wonders of genetics and epigenetics, other parts are impacted. But for now, I’ll focus on the retina. Characteristically, people with RP find that their retinal “pixels”—millions of light-sensitive “rod” and “cone” structures, as well as protective retinal pigment epithelial (RPE) cells from which the disease gets its name—stop functioning from the outside in. We don’t know the exact cause, nor is there yet any proven way to slow, much less reverse the process.

Of course, this is a biological process that is unique to each individual. For me, it has progressed relatively slowly from childhood. I can recall early symptoms as far back as age 6. I’ll have a separate post at some point talking about progression. But it is notable the process is neither steady nor predictable. I’ll have periods of relative stability followed by periods of perceptible loss. It’s rarely like a light switch, but rather more like a dimmer. Each area of loss will appear darker with less usable information until it is just “clicked off” by the brain, presumably redirecting its limited processing resources to doing something other than trying to interpret shotty data from dying cells. For me, the progression has also been very spotty—for example, I retained some usable vision in the extremes of my left-right periphery until just a couple years ago, despite progressively losing most of my peripheral vision between there and my center.

The result today is that I have very little of my retina remaining that pretends to function “normally.” I can detect very high contrast light vs. dark in some of my periphery, but nothing there that you would qualify as usable sight. My central vision is still somewhat functional, but has been fading rapidly of late. As I said, it’s spotty, but on average in good light I have maybe 10-15 degrees total horizontal vision and less than 10 vertical. And much of that is probably equivalent to what most would consider to be peripheral vision. To help better “feel” what this means, here are a few examples of how this manifests itself in my day-to-day life.

When I’m sitting across a table from you, I can see your face but not your hands. If I’m not socially distant, I might be able to see your eyes or your mouth, but not both at the same time. I often creep people out during a conversation because I’m constantly losing eye contact and moving my eyes to different parts of their body. I promise, I’m not “undressing you with my eyes”—people talk with their entire bodies, and I’m simply trying to catch as many visual cues as possible.

When watching TV from 10 feet away, I can “see” my entire 55-inch screen. But less than a quarter of that is in my central vision. I have to move my eyes to see detail or read signs or captions. Sports and fast action scenes are difficult to catch. A fast action, dark scene with subtitles…oy…the Battle of Winterfell may as well have been a BBC Radio broadcast.

I can read, though usually only slowly and for short periods, especially if it is paper and ink. I see only a few words at a time, so my eyes have to constantly move. This causes a lot of eye strain, and I have trouble keeping both eyes properly oriented and occasionally have periods where one eye twitches uncontrollably—obviously I’m channeling my inner Mad-Eye Moody.

And of course, navigating unfamiliar or unpredictable environments is very difficult. I navigate by moving from waypoint to waypoint, and if I don’t know the waypoints or if things jump in my way, well, bad things happen. Or maybe funny things.

More on all of these and their many repercussions in future posts.

People ask, “What do you ‘see’ in the places where you have no vision? Is it blackness? Emptiness? Blurry?” Again, it’s complicated, but for the most part, my brain has just removed those areas from its visual processing “algorithm.” So, I see the same thing that you see when something is beyond your peripheral vision…just nothing. There are long periods of adjustment as I lose sight—kind of like losing a limb and still expecting it to be there. But eventually it’s just not a part of the picture that my brain paints of the world around me.

Unfortunately, that’s not all. Night blindness is often the first detected symptom for folks with RP. What is left of my retina doesn’t detect light well, so I need much more of it. The result is that I’m totally blind in low-light situations. I need direct light to see any kind of detail. I carry a flashlight everywhere I go and use it regularly day and night.

So, I need bright light. But it is also my nemesis. My eyes compensate like one would with a digital camera…by cranking open the aperture (pupil) and turning up the gain on the sensor. This does allow me to function semi-normally in certain situations. But it also results in severe light sensitivity. As with a camera, the wider pupil also results in loss of detail, and bright light can almost entirely wash any other visual information. To make matters even worse, although my pupils do function, they are VERY slow to adjust.

The results of all of that are varied. I’ll post more details in the future. But for example, I am no longer able to read a computer screen for any length of time without inverted colors. It’s like trying to read while staring at headlights. I truly need dark mode on all of my devices. Also, changing lighting conditions are challenging, especially when they are extreme. When I come in from outside, my eyes can take many minutes to adjust. And bright light sources like sunny windows in otherwise moderately lit environments can really cause havoc.

Finally, a common comorbidity with RP are cataracts, which cause hardening and blurring of the lens. Of course, this one hit me, as well. A number of years ago, I had cataract surgery. It was great. I was the youngest patient in the surgery center by like 30 years. The process involves using a magic wand to dissolve your natural lens and replacing it with a plastic one. This gets rid of the blurring, but entirely removes the ability to focus. As a bonus, I did go from needing coke bottle glasses to just needing a couple of diopters of correction. But this further complicates reading, and means I’m constantly donning and doffing my specs or having to look below them to read. Minor in the big scheme of things, but it does make me look and feel like a damn old fart.

Okay, if you made it this far, you deserve to be let off the hook for now. There’s more like the fact that my corneas—the eyes’ (usually) clear “lens caps”—now seem to cause my sight to remain blurry for the first couple of hours of each day. Or that the eye strain can sometimes get so physically painful that I have to close my eyes for long periods during the day. But this is a mostly complete and accurate snapshot of what I’m currently living with physically.

I guess I didn’t present too many funny or uplifting or forward-looking things in here. Truth is, you kind of have to muddle along with me through these sewers to eventually find the humor and hope in all of this. Because it’s complicated. But I’ll get there if you’re patient.

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helga-leakadia · 4 years

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All We Know 2

Chapter 2: Thaw

“I need you.”

Sirius breaks down in the aftermath of James’s previous statement that he’s done with Sirius

TW: Quick mention of abuse

One week. A lot can happen in a week. Remus can heal from his physical wounds. Snape could get his sneer back. But detention couldn’t be over. And James could still be mad as an alley cat on a rainy night. Which was why Sirius couldn’t hold it together any longer.

He’d been walking around in a fog this whole time, probably hadn’t said more than five words since that night. Lily and Marlene had both tried to ask if he was alright, but he had just ignored the both of them. He didn’t want their sympathy. He deserved everything he was getting. McGonagall had pulled him aside after class yesterday and tried to talk to him, but he could do little more than nod or shake his head at her questions until she dismissed him with a sigh.

Sirius was surprised he had been able to hold it together this long. Every day he woke up was an effort and he had questioned whether it was worth it to get up. But Remus was getting up and he owed it to him to do the same. If Remus could, so could Sirius.

But now it was the weekend and there were no classes to distract them. There wasn’t any Quidditch this weekend to distract them either. It was like the universe was trying to make Sirius see how much of a fuck up he was as well. Makes sense, really. He deserved this much too.

He’d been tossing and turning for at least an hour when he finally gave up. He wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. He almost went to James’s bed. He almost went and got the Invisibility Cloak from where it hung on one of the hooks. He almost went to shake the wild-haired boy awake, to go wherever their feet may take them tonight, just to enjoy each other’s company having the freedom of the entire castle at their fingertips.

But he didn’t. Because he couldn’t. Because James wasn’t his anymore.

Sirius paused for a moment, one foot hovering over his boot. He wasn’t sure where that thought came from. He’d never said something like that before, although thinking it now it made perfect sense. He had always been a part of James and had considered James his best friend and his brother and until last week James had never given him a reason to think James wouldn’t have agreed. He would have done anything for James, had done anything for him, and considered himself James’s in every way.

It was numbing to suddenly, in a dark and cold room in late autumn, to realize what it felt like to have a piece of your soul ripped from you. It hurt like hell and he almost couldn’t breathe.

He walked out of the dormitory, closing the door as quietly as he could, and not even caring when the Fat Lady yelled after him that he shouldn’t be out of bed. He let his feet carry him where they wanted, not paying attention to the corridors he went down or which staircase he chose. He just walked.

He tried to keep his mind clear. He didn’t want to think about anything at all. But every time he started to get a clear head and thought he might be okay; another image of James would pop into his head.

Him and James laughing at something one of them said. Making fun of Evans together. Late night romps to the kitchen. Playing Quidditch together in James’s backyard. James’s last birthday when Peter got piss drunk for the first time. When they stole a bottle of firewhisky from James’s dad and got incredibly sick. Running with James. Smiling with James. Drinking with James. Getting tattoos with James. James. Everything with James. Just James.

Sirius fell to the ground as the weight of his loss hit him again and again. He felt like he was being beaten with a beater’s bat. The air was knocked out of him and he couldn’t catch his breath. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

This was different from when he couldn’t stop laughing. He was out of control then, just letting the irrationality of it all consume him. No, now he was coherent and could feel everything, every ounce of pain and loss and sadness and everything that was his fault.

He had made it outside, by the Black Lake. The air was cool and the frost on the grass made it sharp on his skin. How long could he stay out here until the cold just overtook him? At least then nothing would hurt, right? But then again, nothing hurting was what started all of this.

Tears pricked at his eyes. This was worse than any beating he ever got from his father or any time his mother thought of something new to try to punish him with. That time she bewitched a sandal to constantly follow him around and whack him in the head periodically was a particular sore spot. But even that didn’t cut as deep as this did.

James was everything and now he was gone. He was still right next to him, he could still reach over and touch him, but he knew he wasn’t allowed anymore. And wasn’t that just the worst part of all?

Everything caught in Sirius’s throat and he couldn’t suck in any air. Everything was closing in on him. A train was running over his chest, forcing his lungs to shrink and shrink. Black spots were forming around the edges of his eyes and he couldn’t see the stars anymore. The rippling of the water was getting farther and farther away, the wind was slowing down. Nothing was moving fast enough, he couldn’t breathe fast enough, he couldn’t think. He was gasping for air and it didn’t feel like enough. It would never be enough; it would never be enough again.

He could feel the sweat freezing on his skin and knew he was shaking but he didn’t feel cold. He would welcome it if he did. He’d never feel warm again anyways. James was a blanket, his warmth, and he hated him. He was…standing right next to him?

Sirius blinked multiple times to try and make the image of James go away, but he stayed right there. He was talking through water again, nothing that was coming out of his mouth was getting to Sirius’s ears or brain.

But when his hands were suddenly on Sirius’s bear arms, it grounded him, stopping his ragged breaths with a screeching halt. His hands were so warm and there. James was here, he was real, he was grounding. Sirius grabbed at the arms near him, needing to feel as much of the warmth as he was allowed.

He chanced a glance at James’s face. He wasn’t sure if he could handle the anger and absolute hatred he’d been seeing. But to his utter relief, all he saw was concern.

“James,” he croaked, so quietly he may have only thought it.

“You fucking idiot,” was the response, but it had far less bitterness and hostility than before. It was almost playful. Like it used to be. A blanket fell on Sirius’s shoulders, immediately wrapping around him and enveloping him in warmth. It had that same broom polish and peppermint scent that never failed to help him relax.

“What are you doing out here mate?”

“I’m sorry James.” They were blurted out at the same time, James’s question laced with concern and sadness, Sirius just letting go of every insecurity he had left. He caught James’s eye and held it as long as he could, hoping those hazel pools could see everything he was trying so hard to convey; that he was an idiot, that he deserved everything he got, that he didn’t deserve forgiveness or anything else but that he just needed James to know that he knew he was wrong and if he was never sorry about anything, he was sorry about this and he just needed James to know he needed him.

James sighed, finally breaking the eye contact. His hand went to his hair, running through it slowly, gripping the ends as he thought about what he was going to say. The longer it took, the wearier Sirius became. Nausea was setting in as the minutes passed.

“You fucked up. Merlin, did you fuck up.” Sirius chanced a glance over. He didn’t say anything, just waited to see if James would continue. “But I can’t keep doing this. I was so mad at what you did to Remus. Wondered how you could do something like that to him. Felt like you were making me choose between you two.”

Sirius looked down at the dark grass below him. The thought of forcing James to choose between his friends was literally sickening to him. The rational side of him knew that James would never choose one of them over the other if he could help it. But a darker, more obsessive part of his brain said that James would choose him every time. And he wanted to keep it that way. Because James was his.

“I’m still mad at you. I still think you did an awful and fucked up thing.” James breathed a few times, trying to relax. “But ignoring you just isn’t working. I can’t not have you by my side. I need you.”

Sirius looked at James, not wanting to believe what he was hearing just yet. He had to be hallucinating. But James was there, looking right at him, his eyes wide and vulnerable, but conveying nothing but care and forgiveness and need and love.

Sirius opened his mouth, trying to say something. But nothing came out. There were no words he could say to convey how much this meant to him. Having James back, even tentatively, was more than he ever thought he’d have again. He hoped his face showed everything he was feeling: love, need, hope, remorse. He would try harder. He would do way better. He’d think before he flew.

He tried to say something a second time, but James stood then. He put his hand on Sirius’s shoulder and squeezed, a slight smile playing on his face. He held eye contact with Sirius for maybe a little longer than was necessary, but Sirius relished in it. He could get lost in those eyes forever.

Sirius waited a few moments before he followed James’s path back to the castle. They weren’t back where they used to be, far from it. But it was a start. This was good. Sirius would be okay.

#all we know #stuck at home scribbles #may writing challenge #prongsfoot #prongsfoot fanfic

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5am-studies · 5 years

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Hi guys! welcome back! sorry for not being very active at Tumblr but now that I am back due to this start of our vacations, I am bringing to you this post. this post, I hope, is especially applicable right now because no one is really in a study-mood. but on the second thought, well, you are back to the grim reality

study repellant causes and how to deal with them:

you might be tired- it is pretty natural that school might have whacked the life out of you. here serves the main purpose of our good old long-awaited ‘hols’. now you can take your time to take some decent rest. maybe school has tired you out not just because of studies but perhaps some other causes too. so take your time and breath

burn out- of course, studying for a long time has consumed all our energy. to revive it:

take a shower to loosen your nerves. it also helps you focus, especially a cold one as it wakes you up as well

journalling helps you passively to let your emotions or pent up feelings out

cry out or talk to someone. crying out deliberately doesn’t work always because sometimes situations,might be so bad that you don’t even feel like crying (i dont know if that’s just me or if it makes any sense at all).

talking always helps beacsue you are letting the pressure out of you. at that moment, you will feel like a shook coke bottle ready to explode on opening the cap.

spend some time on youtube. (watch lily singh’s vids. those cheer me up. you can find others as well, but this is the best i guess. recommend any similar youtubers down below please haha). or you may also watch those cute puppy videos?

spend sometime with your pet if you have any...(those cuties)

spend sometime outside. dress comfortably and stroll around with lofi or a happy song on. no sad beats or those songs which remind you of someone you miss are permitted

you may have exhausted your productivity fuel, aka it’s the time when your brain can’t handle any more of studying or any hardcore work at that time. so take a break for that day (internally feeling sorry for people like me who, even though they want to take brek can’t help but work on due to last moment project/assignment completion and stuff. happens)

you might as well be ill. but if you desperately need to study for that test or work on that due assignment, make yourself cofortable. curl up in a blanket with a cup of herbal tea, a bax of tissue paper, all your necessary supplies and emergrncy pills and stuff

your motivation level is down to zero. i personally believe (man, this statement makes me feel like some superstar giving an interview hehe) that celebrating little victories and watching studytubers’ videos can always keep up the motivarion level so that it doesn’t run out..

you might be on your periods (if you’re a girl or transgender). you need some serious drinking to do. (not that one,doh). some hot chocolate, even any non-caffeinated chocolates will work. you can use a warm press if cramps hit you. basically, the same steps as mentioned in the “you being sick” part can be effectively repeated.

how to deal with these repellant causes:

if you have been dealing with one or some of these repellant causes, a reset day, which preferably has to after those stressful days. here is an example of reset day. on such days, you should take it easy, or basically do nothing at all, except for pampering yourself. here’s how I once did it:

(story time??)I came back from school, had a light lunch and cleaned my desk and all of my room in general. I took a nice and warm shower in the dark while listening to R&B songs on Spotify, read a book while I drifted off to a light afternoon nap. soon after I woke up, I changed into my PJs and started to get some work done, I mean the stuff that I genuinely enjoyed. and so it rolled for about a couple of hours or so. I really wasn't forcing myself to study which was why I was in PJs. eventually, i had a dinner, another warm shower, got some digital stuff done, read the book and sank into a deep sleep (and as for my night routine, uh no, my skincare routine is concerned, I don’t have any because for now, my skin is okayish hehe..so don’t come at me).

so I hope this post sort of helping you out. ( I am sorry if this one is messy. I myself am having a hard time in putting my life together but it's okay, I am gonna pull this off real soon. bye!!!!)

#mine #studyingat5am #studyspiration #selfhelp #self care #heypat #heyshef #pinetreelookie #archiestudies #bentostudy #study #prostudy #studyquill #lookalina #alicethinks #heyaly

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actuallyrandomperson · 4 years

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I wanna ramble about how I experience dysphoria as a genderfluid person for a bit, and my identity in general, so I figured Tumblr was a good place to do it.

So, for starters, I should probably clarify how I'm fluid, as all of us are a little different in how we experience gender. I was assigned female at birth, and, to be completely honest, I wish I was amab. This shocks some people, especially as I tend to sit on the female/demigirl/nonbinary side of things, but it's true. Realistically, I know my life would be a lot different if I had been, and I would have experienced a different set of struggles, but in an idealistic world, where nothing would change about me except the way my body looked and what pronouns were used for me, I'd want to be assigned male. I could not care less what genitals I have, especially since I'm ace so it has no real effect on how I'm gonna live my life, this relates back to the two other most obvious issues with being afab: Periods, and boobs.

I hate getting my period. As most people do. I don't even have particularly painful ones, just some semi-bad cramps on the first day or two, but I hate it anyway. 9 times out of 10 I'm non-binary on the first day of my period. Whether that's related to hormone levels or some subconscious part of my brain whispering "hey periods suck being a girl sucks why were u born a girl", I do not know. I just know it happens.

I also hate my boobs whenever I'm not female. Including when I'm demigirl. I don't hate the idea of boobs in general when I'm demigirl, and don’t think I need to be completely flat-chested to feel happy when I’m non-binary (but that could come back to me doubting I’ll get fully flat without surgery), I just hate my boobs. That is because I am incredibly busty, especially for someone who is 5'1/155 cm tall. I'm an Aus 10G/US 32I, I have small shoulders (my straps slip down no matter how tight we pull them), and a large part of what made figuring out my gender identity hell was the constant question of whether me hating my boobs was an ace thing (not wanting to be constantly sexualised) or a gender thing. My best fitting bra actually helped me figure that out, as reportedly it made me look smaller (i.e. technically less likely to be sexualised) but it had the side benefit of making my boobs, well, actually look like boobs, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I wanted to claw my eyes out. So. 90% of the time I hate my boobs because they're so big, and 100% of the time I hate my period.

You might be sitting here, reading this, and going "but Em, are you sure you're genderfluid? Not just demigirl or nonbinary or agender or any of the other non-binary identities?" My answer to that is, well, sorta no. And sorta yes. No, in the fact that I've never been sure about anything in my life. Maybe time will go on, and I'll begin to identify with some other label, or no labels at all. Yes, in the fact that genderfluid feels right right now, and that's all that matters. Humans change. In turn, labels can change too. Hell, as a genderfluid person, my labels technically change on almost a day to day basis! That doesn't make my feelings and my identity at any single moment any less valid. It also doesn't mean that long term, I'll wake up one day and realise that I actually just identify with x gender. It just means that it could happen, and that’s ok, just as it's okay that my identity is changing constantly at the moment. Side note, while we're talking about labels- you also don't need to identify with one! I personally like to use them, as they bring me comfort, but everyone is different, and y'all who choose not to use labels for whatever reasons are entirely valid.

I have 4 main types of day, gender-wise. Days where I feel like a girl, days where I feel kinda like a girl, days where I feel non-binary, and days where my gender is that 'women' shrugging emoji (that I use all the time because long hair babeyyyy also their shirt is purple on iOS and purple rules). Day 4 I mostly lump under demigirl, as with day 2. Day 3 could probably be most accurately described with agender, or a similar identity label, but I find it personally easiest to just refer to myself as non-binary on said days.

In a hard to explain way, I feel as though I experience less dysphoria on days where I am demigirl than on days where I am fully female. This is not entirely accurate, and is almost certainly as a result of me having unintentionally put in place coping mechanisms for said days in terms of how I present myself for years now, and probably isn’t the right terms for me to use, but it's true.

You see, I dress in a fairly gender-neutral way. My presentation has still always come off as feminine, as I love my long hair and enjoy nail polish, but I've always hated shaving, and I avoid wearing dresses and skirts as much as possible in my day-to-day. I don't mind wearing dresses etc when I'm demigirl, I just don't gravitate towards them, and when I'm demigirl I generally present as a not-overly feminine girl whose a little uncomfortable with their body shape and likes to be comfy, and wears heels in an effort to be taller rather than as a fashion statement.

But when I'm fully a girl, I often love being feminine. I usually want to wear dresses/skirts, and jewellery, and lipstick (not any other makeup though, years of dance and stage makeup ruined me- if someone puts it on for me and it's not heavy/powdery I'm not actively adverse, though), and have my hair braided, and generally just to Get Prettied Up. But that’s not 'me' to other people. That’s not the person I've presented myself as for years. I've spent my entire life catering to my demigirl and non-binary days because they're more common, and whenever I do lean into my feminine self on girl days my family and a lot of my friends are kinda surprised. I wore lipstick and nice clothes to two separate movie hangouts with two different friends, and one of them (who I hadn't seen in a while, to be fair) commented on how it was unusual for me while the other looked visibly surprised. It's not a coincidence that the two irl people I'm out to outside of my schools lgbt+ club are my brother and my best friend- both of whom complimented me (in a non-creepy way with my brother slvjfk) when they saw me wear lipstick for simple things last year, without making a big deal out of it. My mum still acts shocked and gets excited about me being feminine when I express an interest into buying clothes from a particular brand (Princess Highway/Dangerfield in general, for my fellow Aussies, as I don’t think they exist in the US) even though I've been getting presents from there for a few years now. She's talked about slowly starting to replace my clothes with 'fashionable stuff' from places like Dangerfield as the years go on now that I've 'expressed an interest in nice clothes' and I feel anxiety start to ball up in my stomach, because I don't want to wear fashionable clothes all the time, because fashionable for me, closeted and big-chested as I am, means feminine. When I present or show interest in presenting in a more feminine way on my female days, my mother and a few people I'm surrounded by unintentionally make me feel guilty about not wishing to present like that all the time, make my dysphoric for my future and past self, and make me doubt myself as a genderfluid person because I wish to present as my birth gender on one day.

So rather than dealing with all that, I don't present in a more feminine way unless I'm going out, and even then, avoid wearing lipstick if my mum is home, or coming with me. If I can, I'll stick a tube into my bag to apply when I get to wherever I'm going, but it's not always possible. I have Safiya Nygaard’s colourpop collection hidden away in my room. I continue to present myself in a way that aligns more closely in my mind to my demigirl days, with the slight change of being able to actually look at myself in the mirror for extended periods of time, being ok with my slightly more tight-fitting tops, and being chill with wearing my best bra. And I feel, as a whole, dysphoric on these days. I am not happy with how my gender presentation is, because it does not reflect how I want to present. Dysphoria is probably not the exact right term to use to describe these feelings, given I'm afab but it is the easiest way for me to put it, as it most closely reflects the unhappiness I feel with my presentation on my non-binary days, it's just my non-binary days come with a whole lot more body-related dysphoria piled on top. A song I like to listen to on female days is Platform Ballerinas, by MIKA, as it helps remind me that I am a girl, and the way I'm presenting as a girl is valid even if it's not exactly how I want to (it doesn't actually fully come back to societal expectations placed on women because I might shave my armpits but my leg hair still stays, and I genuinely want to get prettied up rather than feeling like I should to be seen as a girl, it's just something I want to do and not being able to makes me feel whack, but the song is definitely more focused on the whole 'societal expectations suck y'all are all valid' thing).

Non-binary days suck in the same way I've heard a lot of trans people of all varieties discuss. I hate walking past mirrors, if I have to wear feminine clothing for whatever reason I feel like I'm going to cry, she/her pronouns kinda make me want to die (generally I'm chill with she/they, and on female days they/them is okay, but she/her on nonbinary days makes my dysphoric as hell), and I generally Do Not Have A Great Time dysphoria wise. But hey, one day I’ll have enough money for a binder. Eventually. I always feel weird about entering giveaways given there are people who experience extreme dysphoria around their chest every day, I can deal on my demigirl days and survive on my non-binary ones.

So, that’s been me rambling into the void about gender for almost 2000 words, how are y’all doing? Also, if anyone actually read all of this I’d appreciate like,,, a like. Or something. I kinda want to know if people have actually seen and read this.

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etirabys · 5 years

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During the six weeks (??) I have off from work, I’d like to treat “getting my brain in shape to work again” as a full time job. Here are some starting thoughts on what the problems are and what I should do about them.

Problem: Social media is terrible for my attention span. I need to fix my habits. I’m horribly used to “flinch from aversive work thing” -> “immediately open a Distraction” -> “hit of temporary relief”. This wasn’t so bad last half, when I was somewhat engaged by my work project and was better at resisting the call. And then I started hating work, and I was spending every day rapidly hopping from thing to thing – start a new task to avoid that other task I’m stuck on, oh right I’m stuck on this too, ANGUISH, check discord to see if there’s anything good. I think this fucked with my head a lot, and I got used to not having to hold a thought, because it would get dropped anyway. Not being able to tolerate boredome is a long term problem that I’ve never gotten a good whack at.

Get back to meditation

Really stay off social media during the ‘work day’, which I’ll start off defining as ‘when I wake up’ to ‘6pm’. By social media, I’m talking about anything that might deliver a reward of some sort if I open it again, so email counts. I expect this to be easier now than during work, because work was full of things I hated thinking about and wanted to get away from, and now I can choose what I want to work on. Ideally I should start with very low-aversion things like reading books and painting, and work up to more challenging stuff.

Generally, set task environments and goals and rewards such that I can keep focusing on it. I think 1 hour for easy tasks and 20m for medium-aversive tasks is a good starting point, and I’ll ramp up.

Problem: I get so little out of meetings. I can’t pay attention to what people are saying unless I really care – this has been a lifelong issue, speaking is so slow (unless it’s too fast and I miss it!), so full of individual variations that are annoying to parse, people are weirdly incoherent and nonlinear.

Just train this like a muscle. Set a timer and listen to Economist articles’ audio and force myself to pay attention. If I zoned out, go back.

Friend Matthew has recced Crimetown, The City (“covers the history of an illegal dumping ground in Chicago that conceals a much larger story about corruption in the city, state, and federal governments”), Manifesto! A Podcast (“where the hosts read manifestos and political literature and then talk about them for extended periods of time”) as podcasts where the podcaster doesn’t ramble or joke or be friendly that way that makes me want to throttle them

Pay some people in the periphery of my life to come explain something they know well that I don’t. Instead of nodding vaguely when I didn’t get something and don’t want to talk about, ask more questions. Really try to copy information from their mind to mine. This is also good for the next problem.

Problem: I’m anxious and will play all sorts of tricks on myself to not talk to people when I must.

Improv has been good for this, so keep doing that.

Fine, I’ll get therapy for this. >:(

Force myself to comment on LessWrong posts if I notice I have a question or a thought? This is about half as difficult as talking to coworkers.

Problem: I’ve developed a psychological block around learning things. Last week I sat down with a Clojure tutorial and crumbled at the first roadblock, convinced I couldn’t understand this ever. Learned helplessness from not getting anything done at work.

Dumbass, start with something dissimilar from programming and then get closer. Finish the last third of Sapolsky’s Human Biology lecture series on youtube. Learn more math – probably statistics? Hit up @eka-mark for some of this.

Problem: Meds not sustainable. I’m doing 15mg/day five days a week, and in school it was more like 10mg/day four days a week, with natural breaks during holidays.

...This one’s hard. I’d like to put in a month of firebreak twice a year in the form of regular unpaid leave, but I doubt my employer will go for it. Bring it up anyway?

If I use the leave time very well, I ought to improve at getting things done without medication.

Oh yeah, I should stay off caffeine during this time as well.

Stretch goals:

Exercise more (tennis, running, climbing)

Sort out finances

See where my sleep schedule naturally settles and make it consistent for the period I have

Learn how to cook

Also, log what’s working and not. Have daily and weekly reviews. (Actually, I want tighter loops to start with – every 3~4 days.) Iterate quickly.

#rambl #project vivification

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jq37 · 5 years

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okay so I meant to send this on anon and I think I might have accidentally done so off but then I tried to cancel it and idk if it worked?? anyways! the point is, I’m the anon who doesn’t have dropout rn so! what’s the tea on the new ep? what did I miss? :)

**spoilers for arcade ambush**

Now, I know I use the word wild a lot, but don’t let that take away from the fact that this episode was truly wild.

Biz had such an interesting power set. He has the wings so he can fly, he has all the weird mesmerization type powers (I was picturing that old bager, badger, badger, mushroom video when he was multiplying himself to trip up Fig). Fighting him is like being stuck in Toon Town but in the worst possible way. Then there were the game cabinets sucking people into them and the ghosts possessing people and forcing them to flee. It was really a brutal fight.

(Sidenote, are we to believe that the ghosts that he raised were nerds who died in arcade? Morbid, if true. Also it would have to be a different arcade since that one was new.)

Anyway, this def was an ep full of frustration. They were constantly getting frightened and forced to run or trapped in games or whatever. It’s a good think Ally casted Guardian of Faith before the fight because they were, once again, a life saver. I was a little surprised the arcade game fights were one and done Box of Doom rolls but I guess there was a lot going on.

“Well I’ll just shoot him.” Riz getting a nat 1 trying to shoot Biz point blank was so painful.

Riz: Hey guys, Biz is a bad guy./Adaine: Yeah, no duh!

Everyone making the most mediocre rolls to check out the prizes in the prize cabinet. And Brennan just getting more and more like, “Come on y’all.” I wanted someone to pick up the sneakers. I felt like they were gonna be some kind of stealth bonus item.

Gorgug got a nat 20 charisma! My boy!

Oh, side note, they updated Adaine’s mini with her boss new jacket which is super dope.

Fig and Kristen actively antagonizing the corn god who’s saving their ass.

“Fucking nerd.” Adaine, who has been pretty savage the past few episodes.

Fabian who has never been denied anything in his life looking at the million credit sword: I’d like it.

Trevon

Everyone being furious at Riz being stuck in the game but also impressed by the design of the set.

Gorgug calling his parents mid-fight! Which seems wild but actually is the SMARTEST THING ANY OF THESE LITERAL CHILDREN HAVE EVER DONE.

I feel like Brennan def read up on his philosophy quotes after the last fight because he was back in business this ep.

Cleric is an underrated class y’all. Ally is really rocking it.

What a bad time for Adaine to finally fail a panic attack roll. She’s had a really long run without them though.

I love that Lou always curses as Fabian by saying, “Christ,” completely ignoring that doesn’t make sense in this world, but like. That is what Fabian would say, you know?

Fabian getting stuck in DDR instead of Punch Out is personally offensive to him.

“Hell yeah I take a disengage”

Sidenote: Divination is a really cool ability.

Ugh, Riz. What a terrible time to fail an investigate check. HE GOT PALIMSESTED.

Aww at Lou giving Murph the, “Hang in there, buddy,” shoulder rub after that happened.

Gorgug getting trapped in whack a gnome is MESSED UP. Also, the fact that whack a gnome is a game that exists in a world where gnomes also exist is SUPER MESSED UP.

Adaine: Fuck, I’m fucked!

PROTECT YOUR WIZARD BETTER.

Fabian having to have a dance off in the middle of the fight.

The girls getting downloaded periodically throughout the fight was so freaking ominous.

“I’m under the influence of two ghosts.”

Fabian and Adaine both terrified and running into each other and yelling like freaking Scooby Doo.

OK, while Fig was possessed, Brennan made her read a card that said “Wow. A lot of strong feelings to process here.” And I am told (but can’t confirm) that that’s a line that was said in ep 1? Maybe by the guidance counselor? And then it’s not resolved in this episode. So that seems important.

Emily upon hearing that Riz is stuck in the crystal: Piss in it.

“Do you have any clue about how to get out of here, I mean, clearly you don’t.”

What would Fabian do without that bike, man?

I love that Emily uses Kristen’s full name for no apparent reason half the time.

Kristen channeling the power of friendship to turn undead.

Gorgug is a bottomless pit of HP.

Ally: Is it good to get in the game?/Literally everyone else: NO.

“A tasty walk?”

The philosophers going, “Verily,” to Fig’s base playing and then her moonwalking away.

Siobhan immediately irl cringing at being called a lovely lady by Biz.

HELLISH REBUKE. HELL YEAH FIG. HELL YEAH EMILY.

Penny’s scene with Riz in the palimpsest was like legitimately touching.

But again, Murph gets the nat 20 at the most story appropriate time! Just like last week.

OK, so the girls’ downloads are getting sent to the AV room in Aguefort. Not necessarily suspicious considering that Biz is involved, but interesting to note.

Gorgug pulling an Odysseus and cranking his tunes to ignore the games.

Also his, “Sup nerd?” to Biz.

Kristen absolutely crushed this fight y’all. She basically got out without a scratch.

Siobhan saying sick like Brennan is hilarious to me.

Gorgug being so mad at Biz’s pronunciation of meme.

“Hot topic nerds hate AV club nerds.”

Nothing bothers Emily more than not being able to take an action.

The gang actively mocking and taping Biz as he tries to mesmerize them.

Aww man Murph failing that roll before Penny was downloaded. Heartbreaking.

Everyone visibly recoiling every time Biz talked.

Zac reminding Brennan about advantage and then him picking up every dice he owns. “LIE NEXT TIME DUDE!” He has a cool ass shock of white hair now though. Like, not good but kinda rad.

I feel like Ally has gotten really comfortable with the game mechanics as we’ve gone on.

Kristen hugging Gorgug to protect him is such an adorable image.

“I’m still full health because God exists!”

Shoutout to the SFX guys. They were especially on point this ep.

“Can I just use mage hand to plug the machine out?”

Kristen as Fig getting is her ass kicked by the doppelganger Figs: KISS ONE OF THEM.

The guardian that killed Biz throwing down his cig like a true French philosopher.

FABIAN.

Kristen was the MVP of the fight but Fabian was the MVP of the episode y’all. Like I said, all that promo yelling was either gonna be a TPK or the raddest thing ever and it was option 2!

Shoutout to Siobahn for getting Lou that advantage roll because that saved his ass.

Lou just pretending to get up and leave because game over y’all.

Brennan starting to just narrate assuming failure.

Zac being like, “Well at least try.”

Lou doing them 1 by 1 for the drama of it all, just like Fabian would want it.

Getting a ten first, exactly half of what he needed.

Then the absolute CHAOS that erupted from the table at the 20. By this point, I was pretty sure he was gonna get it because that shot from the trailer hadn’t happened yet and it was near the end of the episode but DAMN it was satisfying. Moments like this are what MAKE RPGs.

Being showered with gold coins sounds extremely painful but that’s beside the point here.

Fabian coming back and lying that he was fighting ghosts outside and everyone totally buying and being like thanks for having our backs man.

I love how much Fig loves her two dad situation now.

Emily and Ally evil mischievous smiling at each other when Emily requests to kill Biz.

Everyone Else: NO.

Brennan: He’s dead, bruh.

Ally like Grinch smiles when Brennan announces that Biz is dead.

“Would she be able to casually get him out of a palimpsest?”

“I still have these handcuffs.”/”Where’d you get those?”/”Uh, nevermind.”

Every time this group has to interrogate someone they escalate all the way immediately.

But MAN Riz was doing some serious drug cartel interrogation on Biz, shooting off fingers and stuff!

Adaine REFUSING to feel bad about bullying Biz (she’s right and she should say it).

“If I were to have a morsel such as yourself stuck in a palimpsest–” IMMEDIATELY slapped by every party member. Bro, you GOTTA stop perving on Adaine IN FRONT OF HER.

Brennan full on RPing unconsious Biz.

“I’m not a bad guy.”/”YES YOU ARE!”

“Fucking Aelwen again!” Same, girl.

OK, so Biz has false memories of coming up with this idea, but what does that mean exactly? Was he manipulated Inception style or actually forced? Because I come up with bad ideas every day. Doesn’t mean I act on them.

“Blow your fuking nose!”

“You see his dick glows for a second.”

Nice of Adaine to ask for permission to do her brain jitsu, even though she didn’t have to and she had all the extenuating circumstances in the world to just break in.

Biz speaking to Penelope on the regular. Hmm.

Siobhan/Adane’s look when Biz says, “I’m cool too.”

So his memory was cut out the day before the Hudol party. Interesting.

Adaine getting a clear threat on her family’s life: THEY CAN BURN MY FUCKING HOUSE DOWN I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

AND THEN IT ENDS THERE

So two things:

1) Siobhan keeps getting KILLER end lines.

2) I threw a lot of plot info at the bottom without analyzing it because I’m going to look at that and the promo in another post (prob tomorrow) so stay tuned!

#fantasy high #asks #anon #spoilers #Anonymous

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dredshirtroberts · 5 years

Text

Best buckle up buttercupz cause this bout to get splodie

Everything will be under a cut because there is high probability this gets TMI really fuckin’ quick and y’all don’t need that in your lives unless you really give that much of a shit about my bedroom activities.

As those who have been with me previously know, this is all stream of consciousness and also apparently my brain has forgotten most spelling rules so if shit starts not looking like words, it’s not you i promise.

I honestly don’t know where to start with this one. I’ve got...a lot of things to go over.

So. If you’ve been following my adventures as of late, I decided to follow a whim and go with a guy I barely know up to Pittsburgh to help him get all his shit out of his old apartment and bring it back down this way close to where I live.

Things to note about this guy: I met him...uh...2??? weeks ago??? on Bumble which is Tinder but less shitty (but still kinda shitty).

Uh...maybe backing up even more???

*headdesk* oh damn this is a lot hang on.

So. End of April I finally ended things for good with my long term boyfriend. Teal deer, things did not go smoothly there and shit ended badly when I was finally able to move out at the beginning of May. There were like...2ish weeks where we were broke up and I was still living with him.

I’ve had some pretty whacked out emotional responses to this upheaval. I legitimately thought he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted that. But he was abusive and not willing to take responsibility for his part in the end of our relationship. So that sucked, but I apparently hadn’t loved him in ages so that part was less painful. I have been far more broken up about losing my two boys in the end of the relationship. I legitimately feel like I’ve lost my children and that fucking sucks and no one fucking understands cause 1) they’re cats and 2) no one i know has done this and had to leave their babies, they usually got to keep their babies. and that’s fucking...

ANYWAY.

About a month? ish ago? I decide fuck it I think I can handle brief and casual attachments so I can have regular sex for the first time in YEARS. cause of course we move in together and the well dries up completely so like, that was not fun. Have a high sex drive and apparently he did not. Anyway, having fun meeting dudes, casual sex and figuring out how to navigate single life and hookup culture.

There are a couple guys who are prospective long term candidates but like...idek if that’s what I want out of any of this??? because I’m still healing? and trying to keep my feet up underneath me in more than a few ways. I’m also trying to keep my trauma on the DL cause it’s really fucking easy for people to take advantage of me and my issues - it’s kind of how I keep getting into shit relationship situations.

So, like. Tinder and Bumble are fun because I forget that it’s meant to be for meeting people? I just like being super shallow and “sorting” my choices into “yeah I could see having a connection with that one” and “absolutely the fuck not”. I’m 27 and kind of a terrible person on the inside. I overcompensate by being a fucking kindness deathray so i think there’s balance maybe.

Dude comes across my bumble and the fun thing with bumble is if you’re showing as W4M on there, you get to initiate contact. Which is terrifying at first until you realize you literally only have to say hi. So yeah, dude is hella cute, profile doesn’t suck, I swipe like (right, I think?). It’s a match! I open with a simple hi. basic chitchat, whatever.

we go out for a date to a location close by that I actually trust because oh hey he’s moving down this way and has good taste in bars. Food and drinks are had. Take him back to mine cause like, he’s fuckin GORGEOUS. and funny. and smart.

And he’s like “yeah I’ll spend the night, but I won’t fuck you til we’re sobered up.” Which, i mean, be still my beating heart, yeah? (I WARNED you this was going to be TMI y’all. if this is already too much I totes get it, it’s likely not going to be any better further on). So we go to sleep, and maybe I have a hard time sleepign but I’ve *had* a hard time sleeping. We wake up, do the sexing, and then he buys me coffee. Like, not only did he pay for the entire date the night before, tell me he will not have sex with me while there’s a chance i might be drunk, is just fucking...amazing in bed, but he BUYS ME COFFEE.

So like, alright, this is one I’ll keep around for a while cause I’m doing casual shit, yeah? nothing serious, nothing with attachments. no strings. just free food and sex.

Oh and did I mention he’s a cuddler???? but like? a cuddler that cuddles the way I like cuddling???? do you *know* how hard it is to find that??? I’m apparently very specific in my cuddle preferences.

So whatever, we exchange numbers (which I do not do with people from these apps until I’m comfortable with them). He’s also got multiple girls he’s seeing right now and that’s totally chill and like, it’s clear nothing’s going to go quickly here, just fun.

Talking - he’s very clever and does the sentence making doing well. He and one of the other girls he’s seeing goes up to P-burgh to begin the great migration, he calls me while he’s out there, and he’s got some shit going on in his life and I’m like, that’s some drama you’ve got there. It’s shitty for you, hope it gets better, yeah? They come back down, and he drops by to hang out and grab some of the shit he left at mines. He’s waiting to get into his new place nearby, and he needs a place to stash his stuff and I have a relatively safely located appartment so I’m like. I think I got a corner for some shit. Then he’s like “hey, wanna go to [area he’s moving to where his parents also live]” and I’m like, sure. I’m down for a quick road trip.

we’re out that way and he’s like “Hey there’s this park this way and there’s a lodge or whatever I think you’ll like” and I”m like, “k I like parks!” and as we travel out and he’s telling me about it I’m realizing this is not like...slide and swingset park, this is national park style stuff. And I’m like ‘Oh shiiiit I know where we’re going he’s right I do like it!’ we get out there and it’s rainy but we hike a little for s&gs, and then he’s like let’s go inside and all the sudden we’re getting a room for the night???? and this is not your momma’s motor-hotel on the side of the road, this is a kinda swanky lodge and i’m like???? okay???? wish i’d known or i’da packed better for an overnight???

so like...yeah I have a great time, it’s beautiful out there. Like...idk if any of you are familiar with the Blue Ridge Mountains, but the fuckin’...the Parkway y’all. Is one of my favorite places to be and this is right the fuck there and it’s great. The weather’s nice, the food is delicious, clearly I enjoy the company, I have a blast.

We stay the night, get up in the morning and head back to mine and we chill for a minute and I change clothes cause eww i’m wearing clothes I’ve hiked in. I get comfy and ready for a nice day chillin at home. And he’s like “So. Wanna come up to Pittsburgh with me?” I’m now I’m familiar with his planning methods which are none. So i figure it’s a quick overnight, maybe 2 nights and I’m like “Fuck it, sure.” I pack a little better but I’m wearing my contacts and I’m like “I can totally sleep in these a couple nights and be fine” and I just kinda...am in his car on a 7+hr drive to Pennsylvania.

And he’s really easy to get along with. Of course for some reason my period just shows up 3 weeks early out of fucking nowhere which put a little damper on shit but I didn’t have to worry because we weren’t only spending a couple nights up there. We spent nearly a week up there for...reeaassoonnnns?????

I wait til day 3 and I’m like “So...uh, idk if you know this but I had no idea we’d be up here this long or i’d have brought another outfit? and some toiletries?” And he is like... “Um...I didn’t mean to like, abduct you or anything. do you need me to take you back???” To which I respond that all I want is an idea of how long he’s planning on being up there so i can best make adjustments where necessary and that the only date I *have* to be back for is my sister’s bday which is Friday.

This is all fine and we work it out, but I realize that he doesn’t do “planning” apparently. So I get really good at being proactive with trying to figure out what his expectations are.

He’s your typical 28yo white cishet dude. You know what I’m talking about, so some of the stuff I expressed concerns with, I am trying to temper with the fact that he’s literally just as dumb about the world as my dad is and my dad’s a decent person - an idiot about how the world actually works but a decent person.

And like? It’s really annoying being near him because he does everything the way I specifically like it? And I never said a damn thing??? because I don’t talk about my particular eccentricities wrt my preferences in how i like being touched/shown affection/cuddled? So he wouldn’t know???

Really fucking annoying cause I’m trying very hard to make it so my heart doesn’t take over when I’m really trying hard to be chill and casual and clearly he is just wanting to be casual and shit but then he says things? and it’s like...so off-handed and flip but gives my heart the flutters because?? maybe there’s more than just a small potential?

I get real tetchy on my period and put up with a lot less, i was also less than properly medicated so that did not help, but like...I never got to the point I used to get to with my exes where I just...couldn’t handle being around them or their normal ass selves. This guy does things that are annoying sure, and I had less patience for it than normal and then like 2 seconds later he’s literally out of one of my romantic fantasies about how i would like the perfect guy to treat me? and be around me?

*sigh*

Anyway, I had a great time in Pittsburgh cause I’d never been and he found my weakness because I’m a ho for some museums and art and shit and he took me to the carnegie mellon museums and let me just wander around like a doof with my jaw on the floor the whole time. Also we did some other stuff and he took me to Fallingwater which was like an hour or so away from P-burgh but was soooo cooooool.

Oh and I didn’t even mention the real kicker in all of this. He *gets* what i’m going through because he’s been in my shoes previously and it’s fucking mindblowing so he knows what to say and how to do the nice? and like???

IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR I’M NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT HEART. YOU GOTTA LEAVE ME BE AND LET ME JUST APPRECIATE THAT HE’S PRETTY OKAY???

I hate the universe. Thanks tho, U-girl. I know you got my back.

so. That’s what’s been going on. Got back home safely, he’s got his own place like 30mins to an hour away, easier access to the other girls he’s seeing right now, and I have time to properly process and catalog my thoughts before I see him again.

Cause I’m gonna. He’s *damn* good in bed.

#life post #no really there's a lot of TMI in here #read at your own risk #ya girl's a disaster panda still but at least i'm chill about it rn

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btshogwartsauheadcanons · 6 years

Text

Don’t Fuck with Love Potion

Pairings: Jungkook x Reader (friends to lovers)

Ratings: Fluff

Word Count: 5.8k

Summary:

“You can ask y/n and Jungkook,” Jimin sighed. The two of you looked around the table. Namjoon was petrified. Seokjin was crying. Taehyung was drunk and crying. And Jimin looked as if he stressed his way to another dimension. And best of all, you guys had an audience to boot.

You and Jungkook looked each other and without even saying, the two of you knew that you were fucked.

You and Jungkook try to prank your hyungs with some iced coffee but a mishap involving love potion makes your plan go horribly wrong.

Featuring: adoptive mother Kim Seokjin, petrified Namjoon, drunk Taehyung, Potion Masters Yoongi and Hoseok, and a very tired Jimin.

A/N: I honestly have no idea how Amortentia works but in here you basically fall for the person you see after drinking. Also, I hope you guys like this :).

Another A/N: I looked through this on mobile and there were like zero page breaks even though I added them for sure so I just went over everything and typed in my own page breaks.

“Where is she?” Jungkook huffed and ran a hand through his hair worriedly as he waited for you in the Slytherin common room. You’ve snuck stuff into school multiple times before for the pranks you and Jungkook, or sometimes with Taehyung and Jimin as well, pulled on other students. Jungkook himself would admit, though not to you, that you were the better smuggler than he was. Still, it wasn’t like you to take this long. Or maybe it was just his protective instinct when it came to you.

Just as he was about to leave the common room to go look for you the door suddenly opened and you strolled in with a bulging parcel partially hidden in your robes and a bag of chips under another arm. Jungkook raised an eyebrow at the bag of snacks.

“Really? That’s why your late?” he said, gesturing at the chips.

“What?” you pouted. “I had to miss lunch. And I know you love eating these as much as I do,” you said and passed the bag of chips to Jungkook. He grinned and opened it anyway, you knew him well. Even though your common room was in the Gryffindor tower miles away from his, you often visited Jungkook in the Slytherin common room to bring some snacks.

“Alright, bring out the secret weapon,” he grinned and rubbed his hands as you sat down beside him on one of the couches. You took the carefully-wrapped parcel from your cloak and unwrapped it before proudly presenting the bottle of Firewhiskey on the table. “Nice!” Jungkook grinned and high-fived you.

“You still have the iced coffee with you, right?” you said. Jungkook nodded and reached under the coffee table to bring out two bottles of iced coffee, fresh from the muggle world. He regularly asked his parents to send the stuff over. In all honesty, Jungkook would probably saw his arm off for a lifetime’s supply.

But Jungkook knew others who loved iced coffee. Namely, his hyungs Seokjin and Namjoon. On that same day he received his supply of iced coffee, he sent you a note in class about it. You wrote one word back: “Firewhiskey.” Jungkook probably grinned like an idiot when he read it. He shouldn’t be surprised honestly, you two have pulled pranks on others for years. But there was just something about being able to share the same idea with you that made Jungkook feel giddy.

“How much Firewhiskey should we add?” you asked, picking up a bottle of iced coffee. “One fourth of the bottle? One half?”

“One half should do the trick,” Jungkook said.

“You’re merciless,” you grinned and cracked open the bottle of Firewhiskey. One of the greatest things about the Slytherin dormitory is that no one really cares about the crazy shit they bring in. Once, Jungkook saw someone bring in a huge box of fireworks and no one said a thing.

The two of you opened the bottles of iced coffee and each drank half of the contents. Jungkook really had to control himself to not finish everything. Then, you filled the bottles to the top with the Firewhiskey. The great thing about Firewhiskey was that it barely had a scent too so it was impossible to tell. After a good shake, the bottles spiked iced coffee looked like just regular bottles of iced coffee.

“Seokjin and Namjoon are going to be so drunk tomorrow,” you laughed, leaning back against the couch and taking the bag of chips from Jungkook. He grinned, sat back down beside you with your shoulders touching and reached into the bag of chips as well. “You know, this might be one of our best pranks yet,” you spoke through a mouthful of chips.

“Really? After five years of pranking?” Jungkook asked, taking the bag of chips from you again. You were right to bring some, he was pretty hungry. “Nah, I think our best one was still putting whipped cream on the faces of those kids who made of Hagrid.”

“Or the time we put their beds on the roof of the Astronomy Tower,” you grinned at the memory. Jungkook struggled to take his eyes off you but he grinned as well.

“Oh, that was amazing,” he agreed. “They had to break a window to get them back in. They tried so hard to get us punished for it too.”

“But they had no proof,” you wagged your finger.

“That should definitely go on our Hall of Fame,” Jungkook said before passing you the bag of chips. He always let you have the last of it. “Hey… what if we celebrate our prank tomorrow? In the Three Broomsticks?” Jungkook asked. Right away, his palms began sweating from nervousness but he tried to keep his voice nonchalant. After all, you two went out to Hogsmeade together quite often since third year. But since fourth year, Jungkook started to notice how nervous he felt around you. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint when it started. Maybe it happened when he saw you with pastel blue hair after an experiment courtesy of Taehyung. Maybe it happened when you two walked around Hogsmeade alone on Christmas because you two lost the rock-paper-scissors game for treating others to butterbeer. Maybe it happened when Jungkook felt a bit scared when another guy confessed to you.

Maybe Jungkook realized it when he felt relieved after you said that you turned that guy down.

“Sounds good,” you agreed.

“Huh? What?” Jungkook blinked, snapping out of his thoughts.

“I said ‘sounds good’,” you repeated. “You were spaced out again. Has all that Haikyuu!! Fanfiction finally fried your brain?” you joked.

“Shut up, I don’t even read that much now,” Jungkook shoved you as you burst out laughing. It was a lie though, Jungkook often charged his phone during the afternoon in the Room of Requirement so he could read it at night. “So, want to go tomorrow at 5 or something?” he asked.

“As long as you pay for it,” you smirked and stood up. “See you tomorrow, nerd!” you waved as you left. Jungkook could tell he was pouting slightly as he watched you leave. But that didn’t stop him from yelling “See you tomorrow, nerd!” right before you shut the door.

...

You could feel that your face was as bright as the fucking Gryffindor banners by the time you got to your Common Room. It even took you 10 whole minutes to rack your head for the password before you uttered ‘Blast-Ended Skrewt’ and burst through the door. Once inside, you ran directly to your adoptive mother Kim Seokjin and buried your bright red face in his lap.

“Aish, did you talk to him again?” you heard Seokjin say as he patted you on the head.

“Yeah…” you mumbled and lifted your face up. “He asked me to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow after… studying,” you confessed, careful not to say anything about the prank. As much as you loved your adoptive Gryffindor mother, you loved pranking him just as much.

“Hmmm… maybe you should wear a cocktail dress,” Seokjin suggested. You bitch-slapped him.

“Not. Funny.”

“Fine, fine,” Seokjin waved the idea off. “Well, it could go both ways. You could not say anything about the major crush you’ve had on him for the past five years and continue pining for a good long time. Or, you could actually say something about the major crush you’ve had on him for the past five years and you two could make-out happily in the Shrieking Shack or something.”

“Seokjiiiin,” you whined. “You’re not giving the most stellar advice right now.”

“Look,” Seokjin said, taking both of your hands in his. “Jungkook has been your best friend for 5 years. If you really wanted something more, there’s nothing wrong with saying it out loud. If he’s hesitant about it, he’ll probably tell you right away. It’s Jungkook after all.”

“You’re right…” you sighed. Jungkook really did know you best among all your friends, maybe even more so than adoptive mother Kim Seokjin. Jungkook knew when you were feeling stressed about an assignment or an exam even without you mentioning anything. He could instantly name your favorite Pokemon and anime characters. Once, you had a feeling that Jungkook knew exactly when you had your period because of that time when he brought Honeydukes chocolate to your common room while you were being attacked by cramps. Jungkook pretty much knew you like the back of his hand.

“And if he wants to make-out with you in the Shrieking Shack, he’ll definitely let you know,” Seokjin added. You grabbed a pillow and whacked him in the face.

“Not! Helping!” you fumed. Seokjin laughed and held up his arms to protect his face. Now you didn’t regret spiking his iced coffee tomorrow.

...

“Yah! Jungkook-ah! Wake up!” Yoongi groaned, nudging his underclassman to wake up.

“Five more minutes…” Jungkook mumbled and rolled over to hug his pillow.

“Five more minutes to continue your y/n fantasy huh?” Yoongi smirked and grabbed Jungkook’s pillow.

“Ah hyung! Why do you have to be so mean?” Jungkook groaned despite feeling himself blush slightly at what his hyung said. “I’m getting up.”

“A fan sent you a gift,” Yoongi said, pulling out a cooler underneath Jungkook’s bed that he used to stash his iced coffee. “It’s a whole bunch of iced coffee. I already added it to your cooler and everything.”

“My cooler?” Jungkook sat up. The cooler which had only two bottles in it which had the Firewhiskey? The cooler which was now full of other bottles of iced coffee? Jungkook hopped off his bed and checked the cooler. Sure enough, it was filled with 6 identical bottles of iced coffee.

“Man, you must really like iced coffee,” Yoongi said. “Anyway, I’m going ahead,” he waved and left the room. “Breakfast is almost over

“Shit…” Jungkook cursed and looked through the bottles of iced coffee. It was impossible for him to tell which was which. He bit his lip instead and grabbed six bottles before shutting the cooler. ‘It’s going to be alright,’ he told himself as he began to get dressed. ‘It’s just going to be a 2 out of 6 chance now.’ With that thought, he grabbed the six of them and headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

It was a Saturday morning and that meant the Great Hall was filled with students eating late breakfast after sleeping in during the weekend. Jungkook easily spotted you in your bright, Gryffindor-red sweater seated at the Ravenclaw table with Seokjin and Namjoon. Jungkook bit his lip anxiously and headed over to the three of you.

“Wow, someone woke up on a Saturday,” Seokjin gave a slow clap as Jungkook slid into the seat right in front of you.

“Tell that to Yoongi-hyung,” Jungkook grinned, trying to hide his nervousness for a bit, before placing the six bottles of iced coffee on the table. Your eyes widened slightly at the sight and you looked at him in a panic. ‘Six bottles? Why would he bring SIX bottles?’ you thought frantically. Jungkook threw you a look and shook his head ever so slightly to indicate that whatever the hell happened, you had to shut up about it either way.

“Hey, your parents sent you some already?” Namjoon said, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

“Yeah, there was a sale apparently and—”

“Kookie!”

Jungkook was quickly cut off when his other best friend, Kim Taehyung, another fifth year from Ravenclaw, hugged him from behind and making him pitch forward. You quickly pulled a bowl of oatmeal from under his face before Jungkook could actually hit it.

“Nice save,” Namjoon nodded at you.

“It was for the oatmeal, obviously,” you joked.

“New iced coffee! Are you going to share with us?” Taehyung asked, jumping up and down while still holding on to Jungkook. Shortly after, Park Jimin, a Hufflepuff fifth year, appeared beside Taehyung as well. Not a surprise since the two, along with Jungkook, were always together. You remembered that time when Taehyung burst into Herbology class when Gryffindor and Hufflepuff were having a class because he wanted to work on a group project with his friends.

“You look like you’ve had enough,” Jimin said before sitting down next to Jungkook. “But then again, it is iced coffee.”

“Kudos to that,” Seokjin said.

“Fine, fine, I’ll share,” Jungkook gave in before passing a bottle to everyone in the table. Taehyung walked across the table to sit next to you before taking the drink from Jungkook. The last one he passed a bottle to was you but not before hesitating slightly.

“Our Jungkookie really is being nice today,” Jimin grinned and mussed the maknae’s hair. “He’s really maturing.”

“Thanks a lot, Jungkook,” Namjoon smiled and opened his bottle before drinking. Seokjin and Jimin did the same. Taehyung was already drinking his. Meanwhile, you and Jungkook opened your bottles slowly and waited for everyone’s reactions before taking a drink.

Then, you saw Jimin frown and put down the bottle he was drinking.

“Did you spike this?!” Jimin looked at you and Jungkook with wide eyes.

“Well, you don’t seem affected by it,” you smiled sheepishly just as Taehyung fell face-first on a bowl of cereal.

“Seems like he is though,” Jungkook said. You pulled Taehyung up by his shoulders.

“Taehyung-ah! Taehyung-ah! Wake up!” you shook him awake. His eyes flew open and he smiled at you lazily.

“Y/n-ah!!” he gushed, slurring over his words.

“Do you feel okay, Taehyung?” you asked. Taehyung nodded twice before wrapping his arms around you and smothering you in a hug.

“I feel greaaaaaat,” he giggled. “Can youuuuu… name your firstborn child… after me?”

“You two made such a huge mistake,” Jimin said, attempting to peel Taehyung away from you.

“Stop it!!!” Taehyung whined and pushed Jimin back in his seat before hugging you again.

“It was supposed to be for Seokjin and Namjoon,” you groaned and tried to push Taehyung off of you yourself. The milk and cereal on his face from his little dip earlier was beginning to stain your favorite sweater. “Jungkook! Help me out!”

“Umm, y/n? I think you need to see this,” you heard Jungkook say. You disentangled yourself from Taehyung slightly and looked up to find adoptive mother Kim Seokjin staring at Namjoon with an expression you thought could only be found in those trashy shoujo mangas that were undeniably your guilty pleasure to this day.

“Oh shit,” you and Jimin chorused.

“Why… does it feel like my heart is beating so quickly….” You heard Seokjin whisper. “I hope he doesn’t notice.”

“Dude, he can literally hear you from here,” Jungkook said before Namjoon clamped a hand over his mouth.

“Shhh…” he shushed him. “I want to hear his voice.”

“You don’t think..?” Jimin gestured at the two of them.

“Yoongi-hyung told me that a secret admirer gave those extra bottles of iced coffee,” Jungkook swallowed. ‘That would have been quite the disaster too,’ you thought.

“Sit down, Taehyung,” you finally pushed your friend off you completely and grabbed Seokjin’s unfinished bottle of iced coffee before giving it a whiff. Sure enough, you were greeted with the smell of the Quidditch field after a day of rain and that ‘Keep it Fresh!’ mint shampoo Jungkook always bought.

“It’s Amortentia,” you said. Jimin and Jungkook groaned in unison while Taehyung happily clapped his hands.

“I want to try!!!” he exclaimed, making a grab for the bottle which you quickly stashed away. Taehyung pouted and sat back.

“But soft!” Namjoon exclaimed, standing up on the table and gesturing towards Seokjin beside you who was covering his blushing face. “What yonder light through window breaks!”

“Sit down!” Jungkook hissed and pulled at Namjoon’s robes. Everyone in the Great Hall turned their way to view all the commotion happening. Namjoon, however blatantly ignored everything and continued with his spiel.

“It is the east and Seokjin-hyung is the sun!”

“We’ve got to shut him up, now!” you ordered Jungkook.

“Got it!” he nodded before pulling out his wand. “Petrificus Totalus!” he yelled as he waved his wand. Seokjin leapt to catch Namjoon’s petrified body before he crashed to the ground.

“NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Seokjin cried.

“Jimin-ahhh… What happened to Namjoon-hyung??” Taehyung clung to Jimin and cried.

You and Jungkook looked each other and without even saying, the two of you knew that you were fucked.

...

“So let me get this straight. A third of you are drunk, another third are in love, and you and y/n are responsible for all of this,” Hoseok said as he surveyed the scene in front of him. After a bit of wrangling, threat-making, and bribery, the six of you somehow managed to end up in the courtyard all in one piece. That is, with Namjoon still petrified and currently levitating thanks to Jungkook, Taehyung leaning against Jimin while trying to sing dubstep, and you trying to console a sobbing Seokjin.

“Y/n and I are only responsible for the drunk part,” Jungkook clarified. “The love potion thing came from a secret admirer.”

“And I’m not drunk,” Jimin added.

“Yeah, what the fuck?” you looked at him incredulously. “Jungkook and I filled half of that thing with Firewhiskey.”

“Skills,” Jimin winked at you.

“But yeah, that’s the situation,” Jungkook said. After some deliberation, the three of you decided that it was best to go to Yoongi and Hoseok for some help. Namjoon and Yoongi were usually the go-to friends whenever something wrong happened but at the moment Namjoon was out of commission. Or more specifically, petrified and levitating.

“Can’t we have one Saturday in peace?” Yoongi sighed. He and Hoseok would often be found dueling in the Hogwarts courtyard whenever Hoseok didn’t have Quidditch practice. That was how you found the two of them earlier but now Hoseok was just looking at everyone worriedly while Yoongi was curled up by the fountain’s edge.

“Apparently not,” Hoseok shook his head.

“Do you think you guys can brew a love potion antidote in the classroom?” you asked. “I mean, Professor Slughorn likes the two of you and I bet he’ll even help you out.”

“How are we going to explain the situation to him?” Yoongi raised his eyebrow.

“I guess the whole being poisoned by Amortentia from a secret admirer sounds reasonable enough,” Jimin said. “Amortentia is illegal in school.”

“It sounds like a plan,” Hoseok shrugged. “But y/n and Jungkook owe me one.”

“You’re buying snacks for us for 6 months,” Yoongi added. You and Jungkook looked each other, weighing the benefits.

“Well, we’re not buying for someone like Seokjin-hyung,” he said, gesturing at the older student who was busy stroking Namjoon’s petrified face worriedly.

“It’s a deal then,” you agreed and shook Hoseok’s hand.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Yoongi butted in. “What are we going to do with him?” he pointed at Taehyung who was playing in the fountain.

“He’ll sober up once he gets tired,” Jimin shrugged.

“Oh by the way,” Hoseok said. “You two need to collect some ingredients. Professor Slughorn is running low on some things we need.”

“Like what?” Jungkook groaned.

“Doxy eggs, which you can find in the Herbology room,” Yoongi said. “Another would be star anise which is just from the Hogwarts kitchens.”

“Jungkook and I can get the Doxy eggs,” Jimin volunteered.

“I want to go with y/n!!!” Taehyung yelled, climbing out of the fountain and running towards you, even tripping twice, to smother you again in a hug. He was soaking sweat and apparently, so were you now.

“Alright, alright,” you said. “What are we going to do with the lovebirds?”

“You can leave Namjoon-hyung with us,” Yoongi said.

“You won’t take him away from me!” Seokjin yelled at him. You pulled him back wit you and tried to pull him back.

“It’s okay. They’re just making a potion to help your prince or whatever wake up,” you soothed him.

“I’m not taking that guy with me,” Jungkook shook his head.

“Fine, I’ll take him,” you groaned.

“Hooray!” Taehyung cheered and hugged Seokjin. “The more the manyer!!”

“I guess our hangout in Hogsmeade later as to wait, right?” Jungkook sighed, looking at you. You felt butterflies hatching in your stomach. All the chaos that happened this morning pushed that thought completely out of your head.

“Yeah,” you nodded and smiled. “Let’s fix this mess quickly so we can leave.”

“Alright, you kids run off and get those potion ingredients now,” Hoseok interrupted, ushering everyone out of the courtyard. “Y/n’s right, we’ll need to brew the potion too so be quick about getting those ingredients. The star anise can come in last but we’ll need the Doxy eggs soon.”

“Let’s go Y/n!!!” Taehyung cheered, grabbing onto your hand and running ahead. You, in turn, grabbed onto Seokjin’s cloak and dragged him along with you.

...

“Can’t this go any faster?” Jungkook groaned as he searched through a clump of valerian plants for Doxy eggs which turned out to be quite hard to find.

“If you can miraculously find a ton of Doxy eggs and somehow manage to collect them without breaking anything then, yes,” Jimin answered. Jungkook looked over at him and found his friend bending over near a Snake’s Mantle plant and carefully scraping Doxy eggs from one of the leaves into a small glass container that was almost half-full. Jungkook’s container only had 2 or 3 eggs in it.

“Just think about meeting Y/n later in Hogsmeade for motivation or something,” Jimin suggested. “Or is that going to be too much of a distraction?”

“Shut up…” Jungkook felt himself blush as he continued to look through the leaves.

“I guess it is a distraction,” he heard Jimin laugh. Jungkook blushed harder and tried to concentrate on collecting more Doxy eggs instead. But he couldn’t help but think about the fact that you two would be in Hogsmeade right now if it wasn’t for the mess that happened this morning. You looked like you were ready to go out this morning actually. Were you as excited to hang out as he was? Or maybe you just saw it as another one of your friendly hangouts?

God, Jungkook just couldn’t stop thinking about you.

“Do you think I should confess to her?” Jungkook spoke up, turning to look at Jimin.

“I think you should have confessed to her long ago,” he replied, not looking up from his work. “Why? Are you planning to do it later?” Jimin tossed him a teasing smile.

“Y-yeah,” Jungkook stammered. “I mean, I was kind of waiting for the right moment and I kind of feel like I should do it soon. Before we run out of time to spend in Hogwarts. I just don’t know if she’ll return my feelings.”

“Jungkookie,” Jimin raised an eyebrow at him. “Have you really not learned anything from all those “friends to lovers” Haikyuu!! fanfictions you’ve been reading?”

“Hey…” Jungkook pouted. “Sometimes they don’t work out. Sometimes the entire friendship gets ruined.”

“Think about your friendship with her,” Jimin said. “Think of all the things you two had gone through. Do you really think your friendship will get ruined?”

Jungkook mulled that thought over. One of the reasons why he didn’t want to push for a relationship with you was because he didn’t want to destroy the friendship you two had already shared. He felt like that in itself was special and maybe he was just being greedy for wanting more. But God, sometimes it felt like you two were made for each other, as corny as it sounded.

And if you felt the same way about him… well, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

“I’ll confess to her later,” Jungkook decided, feeling a swell of motivation rush over him.

“Go get ‘em tiger,” Jimin grinned at him.

...

“Here you go,” you walked up to Hoseok and Yoongi who were busy stirring a cauldron in the Potions room and handed them a small bag of star anise. “Are 12 pods enough?”

“Just right,” Hoseok nodded, taking the bag from you and pouring the star-shaped pods into a mortar before grinding it up.

“My love?! Where have you gone?” Seokjin flew into the room and immediately headed towards a petrified Namjoon lying on the table.

“How long will it take before it’s done?” you asked Yoongi who was focused on stirring the potion counter-clockwise.

“Just a few more minutes,” he answered and looked around. “Where’s Taehyung by the way?”

“Passed out on the staircase outside,” you said. “We kind of just left him there for the meantime. What about Jungkook and Jimin?”

“We sent them to fetch some pumpkin juice from the kitchen,” Hoseok replied, sprinkling the powdered star anise into the potion. It turned a bright shade of pink and began smelling like licorice. “As pretty as the potion looks, Seokjin-hyung and Namjoon are going to feel pretty awful when they wake up so they’ll need something cold to drink.”

“I see,” you nodded.

“Just a few more stirs…” Yoongi mumbled as Hoseok got some cups ready. “And… done!” He ladled the potion into two cups before giving them both to Hoseok.

“I’ll take care of the two here,” he said, gesturing at Seokjin and Namjoon. “You can go ahead and get Taehyung.”

“Thank you so much,” you grinned at them.

“Don’t forget about the snacks you owe us,” Yoongi reminded you.

“I won’t,” you waved at them before heading out the door. You walked down the hallway and then turned right at the staircase where Taehyung was still passed out on the steps. Carefully, you leaned down and shook him awake.

“Taehyung-ah! Taehyung-ah!” you repeated. Taehyung groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Are you sober now?” you asked.

“No Newt Scamander, I can’t go on an adventure with you yet. Buckbeak won’t allow me,” he mumbled.

“I guess not,” you sighed and sat down on the step next to him. Taehyung rubbed his eyes some more and finally sat up.

“Ah! Y/n-ah! You’re here!” he grinned and hugged you again. “Is Jungkookie here?”

“No, he’s getting pumpkin juice with Jimin,” you replied.

“You know Y/n,” Taehyung smiled up at you and leaned against the stairwell. “You have nothing to worry about Jimin stealing your man. Jungkook’s heart is 99.9% for you,” he giggled.

“Yeah right Taehyung,” you rolled your eyes at him. ‘If only that was true though,’ you thought.

“I’m not lyyyinnng,” Taehyung whined, surprising you a little. “It’s truuuuuee. Jungkookie talks about it all. The. Time.”

“Alright…” you nodded slowly. After all the drunk talk from Taehyung all day, it was hard to believe in anything new coming from his mouth. But that didn’t stop you from being curious of course.

“What do you mean he talks about it all the time?” you decided to press.

“Jungkookie talks about his crush all the time,” Taehyung repeated before bursting out into giggles. “And he blushes so much too. Awww, he’s so cuuuuute.”

“Really?” you nodded interestedly.

“He even dreams about kissing you!!!” Taehyung squealed and sprang up. “First he’ll pull you up like this,” he grabbed your hand and pulled you up roughly to your feet with surprising strength. “Then he’ll do this…” Taehyung wrapped his arms around you before bending and lowering you towards the ground. His face was close to yours and your mind went on an instant flashback to all that trashy shoujo manga you’ve read. If Jungkook did this to you, you would probably die.

“Wow, he sure is creative,” you laughed nervously. Just as you heard the sound of something drop. Taehyung looked up.

“Jungkook-ah!”

...

Jungkook couldn’t believe it. You, in the arms of his best friend. He felt the pumpkin juice he had in his hands slip and fall to the ground, startling you and Taehyung.

“Jungkook-ah!” Taehyung grinned and let go of you. “Y/n’s here! I told her all about you!”

“Wait, what?” Jungkook felt his eyes widen in surprise. His heart started racing a million miles a minute as he turned to look at you. “W-what did you say?”

“Shit, it must have come out since he was drunk,” Jimin groaned.

“I told her all about your biiiiig crush,” Taehyung grinned.

Fuck, he did tell her. Jungkook felt his palms beginning to sweat now. Just a minute ago, he was all full of confidence and ready to tell you everything but now… he felt unprepared all over again.

“He’s probably joking about it, I mean he’s drunk after all,” you laughed and stood up. But then, you saw the nervous expression on Jungkook’s face. “Right, Jungkook?”

“Um… uh…,” Jungkook stammered. “I-I have to go.”

“Jungkook, wait!” Jimin tried to grab his arm but Jungkook broke free, pushing past you and Taehyung as he ran up the stairs. He wasn’t ready after all. All his bravado from earlier disappeared completely once he saw you and now he was nervous all over again.

“Jungkook!” he heard you call after him from behind as you ran up the steps as well.

“Th-there’s nothing to see here!” he yelled back as soon as he reached the landing.

“I have to tell you—ahh!”

At the sound of your scream, Jungkook whipped around to find you falling backwards against the stairs. You must have tripped on them again, you always did whenever you two were heading for Astronomy class. Quickly, Jungkook whipped out his wand and pointed it at you.

“Accio Y/n!” he yelled. You stopped falling and flew up the steps before Jungkook caught you in his arms. He held onto you for a while, trying to calm himself down from the scare earlier, before putting you down and letting you stand up on your own.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook asked. Your face was as white as a sheet but you licked your lips and nodded. You were more than alright. If it wasn’t for that Accio charm and Jungkook’s lightning reflexes your neck would have been broken by now.

“I want to tell you something,” you said softly. Jungkook nodded, quietly waiting for you to continue. You took a deep breath before finally saying “Amortentia, to me, it smells like your stupid ‘Keep It Fresh!’ shampoo.” You bit your lip, waiting for his reaction. Jungkook blinked in confusion.

“And what does that mean?”

“Stupid!” you blushed and smacked his chest. “It means I’m in love with you damn it! Don’t you listen to anything in Potions class?”

“Y-you’re in love with me?” Jungkook stammered. Now it was his turn to blush.

“Yeah,” you nodded and smiled to yourself. “And it smells like the Quidditch field after raining. It was from that time when you ran and hugged me right after winning the Quidditch cup against Hufflepuff.”

“I remember,” Jungkook grinned. “You hate the rain but even though you were wearing your favorite sweater and soaked to the bone that day you were still cheering the loudest.”

“Then I got sick for 3 days,” you continued. “And then you brought me that chicken soup which was surprisingly really good.”

“I may or may not have stolen Seokjin-hyung’s recipe book,” Jungkook smiled sheepishly as he stared at you. Your hair had come loose from it’s ponytail and there were a few messy strands around your face. He reached out his hand and carefully brushed them off. It was such shy gesture that you giggled and leaned nervously against his hand.

“Y/n…” Jungkook whispered. “Can I kiss you, finally?” You smiled and nodded.

“Yes you can, finally.”

You closed your eyes and Jungkook leaned in to close the space between your lips. It didn’t surprise him that your lips felt warm and inviting. That was your nature after all, underneath all the bad puns, sarcasm, and evil prank plotting. Kissing you made him feel as if it was just yesterday you two were young first-years exchanging hoodies and having snowball fights. Kissing you felt like being at home.

“JUNGKOOK AND Y/N SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Jungkook groaned and stopped kissing you once he heard Taehyung’s voice echo through the stairwell. You turned around to find Jimin and Taehyung giggling from the lower landing of the stairs.

“Shut up Taehyung, you’re blowing our cover!” Jimin laughed and punched his friend.

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Taehyung continued to sing and dance.

“Y/n,” Jungkook said and took both of your hands in his. “Would you like to go on a date in Hogsmeade with me after I beat the shit out of Taehyung?”

“Jungkook, I would love to,” you smiled back. Jungkook planted a kiss on your forehead before running down the stairs.

“TAEHYUNG I’M GOING TO GET YOU!”

...

“Ugh, what happened?” Seokjin groaned and rubbed his head. Hoseok was standing over him holding a cup of licorice-smelling potion in his hand.

“Hey, are you back to normal? Still in love with Namjoon?” Hoseok asked.

“Still in love with what?” Seokjin spluttered.

“We were poisoned with Amortentia apparently,” Namjoon spoke up. He was sitting on one of the tables in the Potions room and rubbing his forehead as well.

“Don’t tell me…” Seokjin’s eyes widened. “Did we..?”

“Not as far as I know,” Yoongi spoke up. He was cleaning up leftover ingredients at one of the Potions tables. “Geez, where are Jungkook and Jimin? I told those two to get you guys some pumpkin juice.”

“JUNGKOOK AND Y/N SITTING ON A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

The four of them turned towards the door as they heard what was unmistakably Taehyung run past.

“COME BACK HERE TAEHYUNG!” Jungkook yelled as he ran past the room as well.

“Were those..?” Seokjin frowned and pointed to the door.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Namjoon shook his head and hopped off the table. “I’m going to bed and hopefully not have to wake up until Monday,” he said as he walked out the door.

“That’s a good idea,” Seokjin agreed and followed him out the door as well.

“You’re welcome for curing you!” Hoseok called after them.

“Shut up,” Yoongi said. “It was our fault in the beginning anyway. Who knew that Jungkook and Y/n wouldn’t drink any of the iced coffee?”

“Or that Seokjin and Namjoon would,” Hoseok snickered. “It was funny though.”

“And by the sounds of things, I guess everything went well,” Yoongi shrugged. “And now we know that we shouldn’t fuck with love potion.”

“Yup,” Hoseok nodded and helped Yoongi clean up.

“Want to do it on Taehyung and Jimin next?”

“Hell yes.”

#bts Hogwarts au #Hogwarts au #bts #bts fanfic #bts Hogwarts au fanfic #fanfiction #bts one-shot #bts Hogwarts au one-shot #jungkookxreader #jeon jungkook #Jungkook x y/n #love potion #slytherin!jungkook #Gryffindor!reader #don't fuck with love potion

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writing-yj · 7 years

Text

Robin x Reader: The Bird Tattoo~Part Six (Soulmate AU)

A/n: Alrighty, let’s see how this goes. Prepare for a ton of angst, some gore/blood, and bad writing to be honest.

The various dishes in the kitchen sink clanked and clattered together as you washed a plate. It was your turn to do the mountain dishes, but you had no problem with it. You had time to think and the soapy bubbles brought you some form of entertainment. They looked so... interesting.

You mimicked a wide variety of interesting noises to pass the time, just for fun. Such as a doorbell, a sprinkler, a standing ovation of applause, an excited guinea pig, the cry of an eagle, and a very loud air horn.

The air horn brought Robin skidding into the kitchen soon after. He looked alert and inquisitive; where did that noise come from? When he saw you standing there with a lopsided grin, he crossed his arms and huffed. “I should have known it was you.” Your mocking ability was truly remarkable. “Why are you just making random noises?”

“I like using my powers. I can trick people, scare them, or make them laugh.” You shrugged and scrubbed at another plate. “Looks like I just tricked you.”

Robin didn’t try to deny it. He couldn’t. “I haven’t been the first one and I won’t be the last.” He leaned on the counter and observed you cleaning the dirty dishes. No one had to worry about leftovers, since Wally leaves no food behind.

You continued your chore in silence, even though Robin’s eyes were burning a hole in your back. You didn’t know what he wanted, or why he was staring at you, but you let it be. You assumed that he was just lost in thought, like you often did. Well, not quite like you did. You’d be very concerned if he became unresponsive and blank-faced.

As Robin stared at you, the image of your (e/c) eyes was still fresh in his mind a day later. They were unlike any pair of eyes he’d ever seen. Your complexion was unique and beautiful. At school, he saw you as the gorgeous girl who defended him. Now that he discovered you to be Mockingbird, he wanted to take it back but he couldn’t. You were still (Y/n) (L/n), an attractive high school girl by day, a skilled and strong heroine by night.

You liked Dick Grayson’s eyes from the start. His mask and sun glasses hid them from view. You were glad, too. Every time you saw those blue irises of his, your heart fluttered. And frankly, you hated that. You didn’t avoid him during school hours, but you only talked to him if he spoke to you first. Which was very rare anyway.

“Am I allowed to talk to you at school or do you want me to avoid you like you’re a virus?” Robin questioned. In a way, you were a virus to him. He was drawn to you, and his stomach felt weird and different when you were around. It made him cautious.

“The Robin wants to talk to me at school?” You asked shockingly. “I’m honored.” You giggled to yourself. You could sense his reluctance to ask. “I don’t care if you talk to me, just don’t act like you do here. It’ll make Artemis suspicious.”

“I never said I wanted to talk to you there, only if I need to.”

“You didn’t say that, either.”

Robin didn’t answer. So there was another comfortable silence, and the huge pile of dishes was getting smaller at a tedious pace. Talking to Robin made it less boring, but you wished it would go by faster.

You figured asking for help wouldn’t be a bad idea. “If you’re going to keep standing there, you might as well help with the dishes.” It didn’t really come out as a question like you intended.

You heard Robin grumble, but he trudged on over to stand next to you. You handed him a spare wash cloth, and got to work. The cluster of dishes was now diminishing much faster, and an argument had yet to break out. Maybe this could turn into a mild and eventually calm friendship. You never did dislike him as much as he disliked you. His resentment cause you to feel the same about him; who would like someone who hated them? But the hostility had definitely dialed down.

“I appreciate your help. It takes a lot off my,” You smirked. “Plate.”

He turned a whacked your shoulder. “Really, Mockingbird? That was the worst pun I’ve ever heard.”

“And your puns are better?”

“Yes, significantly.”

You elbowed him in the ribs, earning a grunt. “Yeah, and I’m not taller than you.” The mere two-inch difference didn’t stop you from teasing him,

“I didn’t have to help you, you know.” Robin glared at you from behind his sunglasses. You still had your mask on from when you went out and about as Mockingbird for a bit, sweeping up a few low-lives.

You tilted your head and looked at him with a small smile. “But you did anyway.” You giggled when Robin abruptly looked away.

He changed the subject as soon as possible. “What does your soulmate tattoo look like?” Robin had a strong feeling that you wouldn’t answer, at least not honestly.

The sudden question made you drop the almost-clean spoon. “I remember saying that I wasn’t going to show you guys.” You grumbled. The last thing you wanted in your life was a soulmate, but that’s what your brain said. However, your heart wanted a soulmate so very badly. It was a natural instinct that no one could completely control.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t show us. Telling is different than showing.” Robin found a quick but feeble loophole, but it’s worth a try. “You don’t even have to be specific.”

You contemplated telling him as you thought of the different outcomes it could cause. So far, he hadn’t breathed a word to anyone else of what you told him about you. Meaning that you trusted him enough to not tell anyone. But if he saw the tattoo on someone he knew, or even on himself, he could easily slip up and tell them. It was normal to want to assist a friend in finding their soulmate. You weren’t normal, though.

“Well,” You picked up the spoon and scrubbed it vigorously. “It’s a lot more colorful than I expected. Too colorful for my liking.” You put the spoon with the other silverware a little rougher than necessary. “The last thing I need right now is a soulmate.”

Robin knew that you didn’t like the whole soulmate deal, but he was curious as to why. “Why don’t you want one?”

The question caused you to laugh outright. “Why would I want a soulmate when I lead the life I’m living right now? I fight bad guys and a mock noises when I’m not at school. I have more important things to focus on than a soulmate.” Plenty of people would find your words offensive and/or rude. You hoped Robin wasn’t one of them. “It’s a very unpopular opinion, but my priorities and expectations are different; someone at school said I should see a psychologist when she heard my thoughts on soulmates.”

“But, uh,” Robin didn’t really know how to ask the question without giving you the wrong but right idea. “What would you do if you did find your soulmate?”

“Honestly, I don’t really know.” You never came up with a backup plan. “I don’t want to bring someone I’m supposed to and going to care about into this life.”

He simply nodded as you both finished the dishes. Robin, too, didn’t know what he’d do if he found his soulmate at his current age. There were only three days left until his tattoo would finally appear.

Suddenly, just as you put away the last cup, the notification you all had been waiting for appeared after almost a week. “Finally, a mission!” Wally was already in his ‘uniform’ as he sped into the room. You and Robin jumped away from the sink just in time, without making Kid Flash suspicious.

You were as quiet as a mouse as you observed the shipment yard. The team was finally being sent to investigate the recent thefts of hazardous chemicals, the thefts you connected to The Doctor. You went over the mission briefing again in your head.

“This is the last shipment of chemicals for several months,” Batman went through the files on the large computer screen. The location was pinpointed in the top right corner. “If the pattern is correct, the culprit should show up in one of the main shipment yards of Gotham.” He pointed to said map that had a set of coordinates.

“How are these chemicals so important?” Wally borderline whined. “This seems so... so simple and minor. Like a chore.”

Batman all but glared at him. “This mission is not a chore. The chemicals in question are extremely toxic and very dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands. “You seven need to stop the operation before they steal them again.”

Something didn’t feel right to you. You prayed that it never was The Doctor behind this, that you just had a period of paranoia. Deep down, you knew that it was slowly driving you to the point of mental instability. This needed to be solved, so your body and mind could be put to rest. Over the past few days, you only got two hours of very light sleep, but nightmares woke you up constantly.

“Mockingbird, do you see anything?” Aqualad asked through the mind link.

“Not at the moment.” You replied as you bounced and leaped over the various structures to reach the main warehouse. “Anyone else?”

“KF and I are in the warehouse, and there’s nothing here either.” Robin stated as he and Kid Flash crept around in the shadows.

Miss Martian, Superboy, and Artemis had nothing to report. It frustrated you. You needed to know now.

Aqulad advised you and the team to stay alert and they all shifted positions. But not you; you didn’t go to where you were supposed to be. Instead, you looked down into the warehouse from one of the ceiling windows as Artemis and Miss Martian took their turn in the building.

Suddenly, several figures appeared from the shadows in the warehouse, but they didn’t look quite right. They were kind of staggering, completely emotionless and blank. Like zombies, almost. “Guys, we have company!” Artemis cried out through the mind link.

You swung in through one of the lower windows, landing in the middle of them in front of Miss Martian. “What are these things!?” You were confused as hell. They still looked like real people, but alarmingly pale. Their skin was almost gray, and their eyes looked like they were blinded. At least their skin wasn’t torn or gouged out like zombies in movies.

The rest of the team burst into the storage building, but the amount of undead enemies was increasing steadily. Not a good thing. You all fought them, punching and kicking them away as they grabbed at your bodies. They didn’t even seem phased with each blow, and it was very concerning. Nothing stopped them from going after you and the team; they could be thrown to the ground, but they got right back up.

Robin rapidly threw down a gadget and yelled, “Step back! Lead them over these!”

You were barely out of the way when Robin activated them, which turned out to be small electrocution devices. You received a bit of a shock, and memories of The Doctor electrocuting you flashed before your eyes. You quietly cried out to shove them out of your head, and it worked, thankfully. If you couldn’t stop them from resurfacing, there was a high chance of you not being able to function properly.

The devices worked, for the most part. A good portion of the ‘zombies’ were left immobile, and looked permanently deceased. You saw a tall shadow out of the corner of your eye, one you knew all to well. Sudden destructive anger and desire overtook you, and you followed it with great determination.

“Mockingbird, no!” You heard Aqualad shout as he threw another enemy off him. “We need you here!” The team was already struggling, despite their remarkable abilities and strengths and skills. But you ignored Aqualad, and the others. You wanted to get this over with. You needed to fight The Doctor. You needed to end him. You needed to kill him. With all your might, you forcibly disconnected from Miss Martian’s mind link. It was a very difficult task.

You didn’t feel tired at all as you jumped great lengths and heights to follow the mysterious figure, who you were sure to be The Doctor. You were blinded by rage, but that was a horrible side affect to the experiments. You didn’t come out as a perfect, flawless Mockingbird without complications. PTSD was expected, though.

In the end, you both landed on the roof, with his back facing you. When his eerie voice floated through the air, your worst fears came true.

“Well, well, well. It looks like my little bird has improved.” He turned around and you were met with a set of crazed yellow eyes and a creepy smile. The Doctor was alive, and it felt like your heart was being squeezed.

The wind was knocked out of you, but it didn’t stop you from flying at him with an outraged cry. “You’re supposed to be dead!” Your voice wavered, just a little. The zombified people, you realized, were the people going missing. They couldn’t be fixed, not anymore.

“They never found remains, darling! You all assumed I was blown to pieces,” The Doctor dodged and blocked most of your hits, and he socked you right in the jaw and the stomach. The pain was sharp, but dulled in mere seconds.

The fight went on, and he ended up with a broken nose and you got a busted lip. You were both pretty beaten up, but he was the one who originally trained you to be a mindless weapon, meant to follow every order of his to take revenge on his former colleagues. He wasn’t the only one bent on revenge anymore. It was your turn to thirst for vengeance.

You hand the upper hand for a few short moments, but that was all you needed. You flipped The Doctor over and threw him right throw a ceiling window. As he fell, you jumped down after him with the intention to take his life.

He landed and stumbled on his feet, but regained his footing when you landed in front of him. Broken glass and the bodies of the mindless creatures surrounded you, and the team was laying off to the side, exhausted and nursing their injuries. You paid no mind to them, only concentrating on The Doctor.

The team was startled to see such an insane-looking man in front of them, and they put two and two together. This was The Doctor, your mortal enemy who took away everything you cared about. They wanted to help you, they really did, but they were all injured in some way. You were definitely going to get in trouble for leaving them, but in that moment, you didn’t care.

It was concerning when The Doctor whipped out a rather large and sharp scalpel. Luckily, you had experience with dealing with armed criminals. “Your friends look confused,” He snickered, but grunted when you landed a blow. “Did you not tell them about your father? I did make you what you are today, after all.”

“You’re not my father, you son of a bitch!” You roared after he nicked your shoulder. It barely bled; not deep enough for stitches.

“I thought your mother taught you manners, my dear!” His scalpel came dangerously close to cutting your neck.

You wanted to feel brave, but you were terrified. This was the man who haunted your nightmares and lurked in the dark corners of your head. This man caused you so much pain, so much suffering, and changed your life in ways you didn’t think were possible. Adrenaline was kicking in swiftly, and it soon came down to fighting to maim but also fighting to survive. You had to choose fight or flight, and you violently forced yourself to fight; there was no time for flight. You were pushing yourself past your limits without realizing it.

“She didn’t get to teach me much, thanks to you.” You snarled and kicked him in the stomach.

The Doctor shouted in pain and doubled over. But you went to kick his head, which could very well end up to be a killing blow, and he caught your foot just in time. He twisted your leg painfully, but you rolled to prevent him from breaking it. You needed your leg very much; you’d rather not be impaired for a few weeks.

The mentally exhausted Miss Martian screamed when The Doctor’s scalpel swung at your head, and it would easily cause you to bleed out. You moved back as fast as you could, but it caught your mask and ripped it off. Superboy, Aqualad, Miss Martian, and Kid Flash saw your face for the first time. But they didn’t get to see it for long. Everything was all happening so fast.

You were so distracted by the loss of your mask that he swiped his scalpel at you again. This time, he left a three-inch cut that went across your collar bone. You lurched back, and another down stroke cut your jaw. Barely an inch long.

Robin found the strength and ignored the pain in his ribs to jump up and help you, and he shoved The Doctor as hard as he could. “Mockingbird, move!”

But he was much stronger than Robin. He barely budged. You prevented him from throwing Robin to the wall by punching his cheek hard enough to cut it. “Don’t you dare touch him!” You shouted, suddenly feeling very protective. The blood running down your skin was disturbing, but the cuts weren’t horribly deep.

“Looks like you deeply care about him, little bird! Ah, young love. How sickening.” The Doctor sneered as you stood defensively in front of the wounded Robin. You felt a surge of endearment and attachment for him and you didn’t bother to push it away this time.

“Go to hell, you-” You started to snap at him, but his next movements were a blur.

You were yanked away from Robin with a cry. The Doctor landed an absolutely brutal kick to your chest, and you soared through the air. “Mockingbird!” Your teammates cried out before you crashed through a window.

You hit the ground with a thud. You skidded a few feet and eventually slip to a stop. Your body ached and your mild cuts burned when you moved to look at the now destroyed window. There was a small trail of blood leading to you, but it wasn’t anything too serious. Yet.

Your head fell back and you closed your eyes for a couple seconds. When you opened them, bright yellow eyes and an insane smile were all you saw. You let out a blood curdling shriek as fear ultimately seized your body. You were so scared that it hurt. You couldn’t move to shield yourself; the terror left you rigid.

The Doctor’s hand wrapped around your throat, but he stroked it instead of strangling you. “Until next time, my little Mockingbird.” He cackled, and then he was gone. Your skin still tingled where he stroked your blood-smeared skin, and your breathing was jagged and uncontrollable. You couldn’t tell if you were crying or not.

You thrashed around when you felt someone picking you up, and your eyes shot open, ready to either die or feel more pain. But you saw Black Canary’s face, not The Doctor’s. You were in her safe and motherly arms. Your beloved teammates, your new family, must have contacted them during your failed battle.

“I told you he was alive,” You wailed out pitifully and you let yourself go limp in her arms. You didn’t want to struggle anymore. “I told you!” Your words were slightly muddled, but your words were still easy to comprehend. “You didn’t listen, none of you did-!...” You weren’t even loud anymore. The volume was weak. You were trying to be angry because you genuinely were, but you weren’t strong enough to feel so intense.

Tears were brimming in Dinah’s eyes. “I know, Mockingbird, I know.” She brushed your hair away from your face. “And we’re so sorry.” She didn’t want to be too affectionate in front of your team and hers, and it was hard not to.

You saw some of the other Justice League members around you. Batman was stone faced, as usual. But there was some guilt you didn’t see. Wonder Woman was clearly sympathetic, Flash was helping your team along with Green Lantern, Green Arrow was standing next to Black Canary with a hand on her shoulder, and Superman was observing from afar. He was the only Justice League member you clashed with; you avoided him as often as you could. Superman also looked a little guilt-stricken, but he went over to Conner soon enough.

Conner supported Kaldur and M’gann as they left the building, and Artemis managed to walk on her own as Wally and Robin supported each other. They watched as you, an ambitious and protective teammate, getting carried by Black Canary to safety. You were never injured like this on a real mission before, and they finally had a good idea on how sinister and destructive The Doctor was. They were torn apart when you were cut open, and even more so when you went out the window.

But bits and pieces of them were upset with you. Yes, you faced The Doctor to protect them and keep him from stealing, but you also went after him for your own reasons. You fought him for revenge, leaving them behind to battle unknown creatures that were only defeated by electricity and sadly, being crushed. They were once real people with real lives and families, but they were too far gone to be saved.

Robin was the exact opposite of traught. You were kicked through the window like you weighed nothing, because you were protecting him. He knew it was his fault this Justice League didn’t listen. It was his fault that you had no evidence to show him. If he never did that, none of this would have happened.

You were in for one hell of a pickle when you woke up

A/n: This is terrible, I’m literally running on like, 20oz of Monster. I’m sorryyyyy.

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