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elias-code · 3 years

Text

The Swine’s Scribe

Characters: c!Technoblade x gn!reader, an appearance by Philza

Background: You're in Techno's cabin after getting the rest of his wolves from L’Manburg after the second war. You were originally rescued by Techno from a blizzard after running from the first L'Manburg explosion (your house was among those destroyed.)

Summary: When Techno gets back from the second L'Manburg war, he lets go of a lot of emotions by ranting to you. You, being concerned about his mental wellbeing, ask if you can do anything for him, and eventually, he kisses you, which leads to some close-calls with Phil and a whole lot of smut and fluff.

Wordcount: 3291 (according to google docs lmao)

Warnings: NSFW, swearing, blood/wounds, biting, getting caught

I REPEAT NSFW, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

-------------------------------- Enjoy :) ----------------------------------

Ever since Techno brought you in from the cold months ago, you've been doing little chores for him in a way to repay his kindness. Even though he was the one who summoned the withers after the initial explosions, you felt safe around him. It had been hard to get used to at first, but now you felt comforted by his presence.

For the past week, you've been writing his journal for him after he broke his hand sparring with Phil. His hand has since healed, but you insisted that you do it for him, and he put up little protest.

"It was stressful, seeing your friends leave like that, in the blink of an eye. I don't trust anyone anymore, not after Tommy betrayed me. I gave him a roof over his head, hid him from Dream, one of the most powerful people on the server, AND I trusted him with my Axe of Peace." Technoblade's tone was strained and he let out a huff.

"Techno," you empathised, "are you sure you're okay after today?"

"I'm fine, please keep writing." He only ever said please when he was really serious, clearly, he was not interested in talking.

"Now, I refuse to bow to the voices. They want blood and I won't let them. Too many allies have died for me or have disappeared onto the other side, only to reemerge when they need ME, never when I need THEM."

Again, you piped in, "Techno, you're clearly not ok," his pale skin was flushed red and his eyebrows knit together into a grimace, "If there's anything I can do to help, please tell me."

He went silent.

"You don't have to talk about it if it's really getting to you... Or you could let it out. Either way, I'm here to help," You said.

"I'll think about it. For now, keep writing,"

For another half hour, he ranted about the destruction of L'Manburg and his dramatic reenactment was accented by occasional yelling and hand gestures. Suddenly, he stops speaking and gets a puzzled look on his face, "Um, what- what's the correct phrasing for - I guess - 'horny for violence'?" The tips of his ears were bright red, matching the blush now forming on his cheeks.

You chuckle, "I think it's hungry for violence..."

"Ah, that's it," Techno states, and then he completed his recounting of events. There's a bubble of silence in the air and he bursts it by asking, "Do you have any thoughts?"

"You know my thoughts, Techno..."

"I think I know, but give me words, I can't read minds."

"You're not healthy, you need help. You need better friends and a proper support system. Right now you really only have Phil, and I guess me if I even count."

"You count."

Now it was your turn to blush, but you continue, "Either way, that's not enough! You deserve more than you're getting. I can tell that even without the things you've had me write down. You're carrying so much weight, Tech."

"I didn't know you cared," he seems touched by your words, "I suppose I don't know a whole lot about you."

"And yet, you trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets, Technoblade."

"One thing I can trust you to do is help me with my armour."

He was still wearing the enchanted netherite chestplate and pants, both of which you started fumbling with. The leather straps were clasped tightly, as to not come off in battle, but you managed to manoeuvre them enough to get them to let go.

As the chestplate was lifted off of him, he hissed and then grunted. You look at the spot his hand flew to on his back, where his shirt had torn to reveal a big gash in his shoulder. It ran from his shoulder blade to his left pec, one of the only places where he was unarmoured.

"Holy shit Tech, why didn't you tell me this was here?!"

"I didn't want to worry you," He chuckled and then hissed again, "I guess that plan failed."

You did not find it funny. You immediately went to get the supplies Phil kept in his house, knowing that Techno didn't keep anything but healing potions in his chests. Phil was eager to help and he handed some bandages and rubbing alcohol to you so you could clean the wound. You also grabbed a spare scrap of leather for him to bite down on.

When you returned, Techno had moved to sit on his bed where he had already removed the greaves and discarded them beside him. You came to his side, putting down the alcohol, rag, and bandage.

"This is probably going to hurt, so I need you to bite down on this," you said, handing him the leather scrap.

"Ok," he said, watching you grab the alcohol and rag from the floor, "Just- just tell me when,"

"Alright," He put the leather in between his teeth, biting lightly, "you ready?"

He nodded, you put the alcohol rag onto the blood-crusted gash. He let out a sharp, low hiss, tightening his jaw on the leather to release some of the pain. You cleaned up quickly to minimise the pain and then wrapped it in the bandage, leaving some so you could clean and replace it later.

"All done, you ok?" You looked at him, one of his eyes was watering.

"Yeah, the pain's much worse when you're not pumped full of adrenaline."

"You better not be hiding any more gashes under all of those clothes,"

"Wanna find out?" He flashed you a smirk, amused by his own confidence.

"I'll take your word for it, but you're going to need to change that shirt, it's covered in blood."

"At least it's not my blood," you shivered a bit at that remark and helped him take his shirt off, careful not to remove the fresh bandages along with it.

For the first time, you saw him without a shirt off. He seemed surprisingly slender for being as strong as he is. There were numerous scars that etched every battle and lesson learned into his skin. Lots of them looked older than you expected and you suddenly realised that he must have been fighting for a long time before coming to the server.

"Like what you see?" he asked, and you rushed to put the shirt down and find an excuse.

"Um, I- I was just looking at your scars, I'll bring this downstairs,"

You rushed away, turning bright red, embarrassed that he had noticed your stares. You absent-mindedly tossed the shirt into the 'wash pile' and then you remembered, in your rush, you had forgotten his greaves. With a huff, you climbed the ladder back to his room.

Techno sat in front of the fireplace, now roaring with renewed vigour from the log he'd tossed in. His pink hair had been undone from the messy braid he had put in that morning. It was almost dyed red and black by the blood and soot in it. He was playing with it, picking out debris and running his fingers through the more knotted bits.

“Tech?”

“Hmm?” he looked up at you, still fiddling with the hair in his hands.

You sat down next to him and he relaxed into a cross-legged position, with one knee tucked under his chin. His free hand is right next to yours and he doesn’t look at you. His face is red, probably from the fire.

“You looked like you were in a trance? Are you ok?”

Silence filled the room again,"

“You don’t have to tell me but just know I’m here if you need to talk. Obviously, I haven’t tattled about anything yet or Tommy and the Butchers would be knocking your door down by now.”

“The voices are quieter than normal. I can hear myself think.”

You try to be encouraging “So? What are you thinking about?”

He looks you in the eyes, they’re deep, his pupils adjusting makes you feel like he’s looking into your soul.

“Um, I’m not sure you’d want to know.”

You frown and protest since you’re now more curious than ever but still a bit freaked out. "C'mon now you've got me curious,"

Techno looked away, solemnly gazing at the fire “I meant what I said about you being a trusted friend. I don't get many of those so, thanks. As for why this is coming up now, well, I guess I’m lonely.”

You hesitated, “Me too, Tech. You're kind of the only one I trust, and I guess Phil, too, but I'd trust you with my life.”

He blushes, looks away, and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear before turning back to you and putting his hand on yours.

You immediately flush and you see a grin seep onto his face.

"I'm not really talking about friends anymore. I want... someone..." he almost whispers

"You mean?" he nods, "I guess I've never had anyone before. I think it'd be nice to see what it'd be like."

“I think we can kill two birds with one stone here, don’t you?”

Now you're both bright red, nervous, schoolkids who gingerly lean into each other's faces, gaze fixed on the other's lips. Your hearts beat hard while your brains rush to make sure you feel insecure, the voices in Techno's mind screaming excitedly.

“You good up there Techno? Your light is still on, it's far past midnight, mate!” Phil shouts from the bottom of the ladder.

“I’m fine, just," He pulls away from you, "reading. Goodnight Phil,”

Techno's ears perk up to listen to the receding footsteps. You’re both standing now, he's standing over the trapdoor, making sure Phil had gone. Once he was sure, he comes over and kisses you hard.

“Tech-"

“Is this ok? I’m not doing anything wrong am I?”

You think He’s clearly never done this before, as you respond "Yeah, I like it..." you continue, stumbling towards his bed where you’re initially just kissing like two teenagers as if it were your first time, desperate, but awkward.

Your hand was pressing against his chest as you laid next to him, tasting each other's spit, learning the ropes since neither of you had ever done this before.

The light from the fire made your shadows dance across the wall, arms moving to hold each other closer, legs wrapping around Techno's, bodies shifting so he's on top of you. Only the roar and crackle of the fire and the occasional grunt or gasp from you or Techno could be heard.

--- Smut begins here ---

As you both part to take a breath, he pulls your shirt over his head. When he leans into the crook of your neck, you notice the tent in his pants pressing against your inner thigh. In between your own legs, there was a pool of slick forming.

You moan, loud, fully knowing that would send Techno wild. He pushes further towards you and holds your arms above your head so he could press his mouth against your neck, leaving red, hot, sticky marks leading from your collarbone to your abdomen.

You're both panting as he lets go of your arms and you wrap them around his neck, pulling his head in for a long, deep kiss. His hot breath warms your cheeks as he repositions himself.

"Hey, is this still ok?" He asks between breaths.

"Abso-fucking-lutely,"

He fully loses himself, taking his hand from your cheek and moving it to your pants, never losing eye contact. You nod and he pushes his hand into the spot between your legs which was now drenched in slick. He found his way to your hole and pushed his index finger into it, creating a sensation you'd never felt before.

Instinctually, you gasp and then moan, harder than before. You rock your hips to his rhythm while he continues to press bruises into your torso. Eventually, he brings his face back to yours and kisses you. You let out another moan into his mouth. He grunts and then chuckles, kissing your cheek before pulling his finger out and then going back in with two.

Now, you're whining, pulling on his long, pink hair. You notice everything in those moments, his rhythmic breaths into your neck and pumping of his finger in and out of your sex, his other hand holding your waist, pushing upwards to caress you, his soft hair in your hand.

"Is it my turn now?" He gruffs.

You hum in affirmation as he pulls away and you kick off your pants as he undoes his own. You immediately notice his size. Compared to his fingers, which were pretty long and thick, to begin with, due to his big hands, his member was a giant. His hand that had previously been half inside of you was now working his dick, its head coated in pre-cum.

While you had seen other penises before, mostly in study, you had never seen one up close, and you'd only seen ones on humans. The hybrid piglin-shapeshifter was sporting a human-like head and shaft, 9 inches (at least) all the way down to a knot... he had a knot...

He notices you gaping at his dick and grins, leaning into you again. "Wanna help me with this, or... should I help m'self?"

Eager to please, you lightly push him forward so you're both sitting up while your hand inspects the new acquaintance. You look up at Techno for guidance. He nods and pushes your hand down with his own. He guides your hand up and down the shaft until he’s no longer guiding you and you’re doing it all yourself.

He does the same with you. The space between your legs was now, simply put, slippery. He did his best to please you, eventually managing three fingers easily.

The pants and gasps were syncing, the knot in your stomach growing stronger while you danced your mouth on the head of his member. He lets out a particularly loud grunt and removes his fingers from your sex. You suddenly feel empty, and he pushes you over onto your stomach.

He puts himself under you, his dick under your mouth. You lick the ever-present pre-cum off of the head of his dick once again and then begin to bob your head up and down, managing to fit him halfway before choking on him. His groans were now louder than yours, becoming more frequent.

"Ughh- fuck," he moans.

Now he holds your head and gently begins to fuck your mouth. Your bobbing was no longer enough, he wanted more. He thrust his hips into you, managing to get a third of the way into you and then it turns into deepthroating after every thrust.

You gag, unable to take him all the way, and so he decides enough is enough and you both rush to get him inside of you. He gets up, moving to position himself above you. You continue to stay in the position he left you in, on your hands and knees.

"Turn around," Techno says.

And so you do, you lay on your back, full of anticipation and covered in juices. He puts his hand on your stomach, leaning in to kiss you lightly, pressing more red marks into your sides, slowly turning you so you face the wall.

He pulls away and holds your leg away from the other, practically putting you into the splits.

"Techno..." You whisper.

"Hmm?"

"Is this gonna hurt?"

"Dunno, darlin'," He leans in again, "let me know if it gets too hard, ok? I'll stop if you say so."

You nod and kiss for confirmation, reaching to hold your own leg up to give him full access.

He inserts the head and you can already feel the stretch, slightly painful but you push on, your fingers grasping the sheets to keep yourself grounded. He’s pushing into you slowly, making sure you're not getting in over your head. You hold the sheet tighter, groaning from the stretch.

He pulls out slightly and the pressure releases. You moan hard, making sure Techno knows that you like what you feel. He pushes in again and begins to thrust into you. Techno is getting further and further with every thrust, and you moan between every breath. He's three-fifths of the way in and he's only getting harder.

Techno's hand replaces yours, keeping your leg raised as you move your hand to work yourself along with him. Your heart beats faster and he picks up the pace. He can get all the way to the knot before pulling out and thrusting in again.

"Tech... Fuck, it's so gooood..."

Now he's becoming sparattic and his face goes into your neck, biting softly, barely enough for blood to form. The knot in your stomach tightens and you scream into the pillow as he pushes all the way in, his skin hitting yours as his knot slips into you.

He moans and thrusts lightly into you, coming inside of you. You feel the pressure inside of you release as you come with him. You're being filled with his sperm, eventually spilling out along with your own come onto the sheet.

He continues to work you with his hand, breathing heavily into your neck. Your heartbeats are in sync and his juices continue to spill out of you, soaking everything below you. You try to look him in the eye as he shakes slightly, somehow still coming.

"Tech? You're still..." you gasp. "I know, sorry... it might be a while..." He grunts out.

Techno's ears perk up and he shoves you under the blanket, still stuck inside of you with the knot.

"What-"

He puts a hand over your mouth as you quiver underneath him, overstimulated by the pressure and his hand which still rested in between your thighs. What the hell is he doing?! The non-stop cum is weird enough, what-

Soon enough, your questions were answered when you heard the footsteps downstairs.

“Do you have my hat?” Phil's voice yells from the base of the ladder.

“Can't you-" he breathes, "you get it in the morning?”

“No, I'm going out super early tomorrow to scout out and make sure we haven’t been followed back.”

“Uh," fuck "it’s on the chair next to my desk up here? I’m in bed…”

Phil comes up the ladder and opens the hatch, eventually finding his hat while techno covers your mouth and lays belly to belly with you, he’s still dribbling a bit, so are you. You’re whimpering slightly.

Phil stops at the trapdoor. “Did you mean to leave the fire on mate?”

“Uh, yeah I was gonna let it burn… I was cold”

“Where’s your friend, loverboy?”

You feel Techno blush above you, his warmth suddenly radiating out from him.

“Um. They went to trade with some piglins since we’re almost out of spectral arrows.”

“Alright let me know when they get back, I just want to make sure they’re ok. Ever since you found them in the snow you’ve been doing better, it seems. Almost like you two are a... thing?”

The question lingered momentarily and you could almost hear Phil's eyebrow raise before Techno answered.

“Hmm, thank you, Phil. Close the trapdoor when you leave, I don’t want the warmth to leave.”

“Alright.”

Finally, the footsteps were gone. He pulls the blanket off of them and he takes his hand off of your mouth. You gasp for dramatic effect, laughing quietly to yourselves at the close call.

"Can I tell you something?" Techno whispers into your ear.

"Yes, you're literally deep inside of me, I'm guaranteed to be interested in what you have to say,"

"I love you"

"I love you, too..."

#technoblade #dsmp x reader #techno x reader #mcyt smut #dreamsmp #c!technoblade x reader #c!techno #first fic sorry lmao #c!techno x reader #eli scribe #Elias original

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free--therapy · 3 years

Text

More About Dealing with Anger

How to Know When Anger is Getting Out of Control

Anger becomes a problem when it starts to harm you or the people around you.

Signs of anger problems include when:

You find it difficult to avoid expressing anger through unhealthy, unhelpful or destructive behavior such as: - Verbal anger: aggressive shouting, swearing, threats, or name-calling - Physical anger: violence and lashing out, hitting or pushing others, breaking things, punching objects to feel a sense of release - Non-violent or passive anger: ignoring people, sulking, refusing to do tasks or doing them deliberately poorly - Inward anger: hiding your anger, harming yourself, denying yourself your basic needs, saying you hate yourself,

Your anger has a negative impact on your mental and physical health

Anger becomes your go-to emotion, blocking out other feelings

You react quickly and violently to minor issues

You wrongly accuse friends and relatives of disrespecting or lying to you

You consistently have the same arguments with people when reacting to similar triggers each time, without finding new ways to deal with these feelings of anger

You feeling frustrated with your actions during an argument or regretting them instantly after the event

You struggle to compromise or arrive easily at mutual agreements without getting angry

You have problems with expressing emotions in a calm and healthy way

Cycles of bad behaviour may be affecting relationships

Symptoms of An Anger Problem:

Depression, anxiety, paranoia, frustration, lack of sleep, social isolation, headaches, increased blood pressure, heart palpitations, tightened or anxious feelings in the chest area, blushing, sweating, fatigue, substance abuse or addiction.

Anger Management Tips

First, recognize the signs of anger:

heart is beating faster

breathing is quicker

feet are tapping

you're clenching your jaw or fists

a churning feeling in your stomach

tightness in your chest

legs go weak

tense muscles

you feel hot

you have an urge to go to the toilet

sweating, especially your palms

a pounding head

shaking or trembling

dizziness

feeling tense, nervous or unable to relax

feeling guilty

feeling resentful towards other people or situations

you are easily irritated

feeling humiliated

Then, buy yourself some time:

Count to 10 before you react. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything you’ll regret— and allow others involved in the situation to do the same. As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non confrontational way.

Take a timeout. Take yourself out of the situation by going for a short walk – even if it's just around your block or local area.

Talk to a trusted person who's not connected to the situation, such as a friend, family member, counsellor or peer support group. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can confidentially call the Samaritans 24 hours a day to talk about anything that's upsetting you.

Techniques to Manage your Anger feelings:

Breathe slowly – try to breathe out for longer than you breathe in and focus on each breath as you take it.

Relax your body – if you can feel your body getting tense, try focusing on each part of your body in turn to tense and then relax your muscles.

Try mindfulness techniques – mindfulness can help you to be aware of when you're getting angry and can help calm your body and mind down.

Exercise – try to work off your anger through exercise. Sports like running or boxing can be really helpful for releasing pent up energy.

Use up your energy safely in other ways – this can help relieve some of your angry feelings in a way that doesn't hurt yourself or others. For example, you could try tearing up a newspaper, hitting a pillow or smashing ice cubes in a sink.

Do something to distract yourself mentally or physically – anything that completely changes your situation, thoughts or patterns can help stop your anger escalating. See our positive outlets below.

Identify possible solutions: Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

Stick with 'I' statements: To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."

Don't hold a grudge: If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Use humor to release tension: Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

Know when to seek help: Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. - Anger management classes allow you to meet others coping with the same struggles and learn tips and techniques for managing your anger. - Therapy, either group or individual, can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger and identify triggers. Therapy can also provide a safe place to practice new skills for expressing anger.

Managing Anger in the Long Term

Explore what’s really behind your anger: is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, hurt, insecurity, shame or vulnerability? Is it stemming from what you learned as a child? Is it a symptom of an underlying health problem such as depression, anxiety, trauma or chronic stress?

Identify your triggers: Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. When you identify your triggers, think about ways to either avoid them or view the situations differently so they don��t make your blood boil.

Negative thought processes that can trigger anger: anger doesn’t always stem directly from external factors. It is caused by how you react to and think about what happens in these instances. Here are common negative thought patterns that can trigger and fuel anger: - Overgeneralizing: For example, using phrases like “He ALWAYS interrupts me” and “NEVER is on time” or “EVERYONE disrespects me. - Obsessing over “shoulds” and “musts”: having a rigid view/structure of the way things should or must go cultivates anger when reality doesn’t line up. - Mind reading and jumping to conclusions: Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that they intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you. - Collecting straws: Looking for small things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive, and letting these small irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor. - Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You tell yourself, “life’s not fair,” or blame others for your problems rather than taking responsibility for your own life.

Take care of yourself: taking care of your physical and mental health and wellbeing can help ease tension and diffuse anger problems - Manage stress - Talk to someone you trust - Get enough sleep - Exercise regularly - Be smart about alcohol and drugs

Treatment and Support: Talking Therapy and Counseling - Talk to your doctor or PCP about finding a trained professional (a counselor or psychotherapist) to talking about your problems with

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imagine-that-one-thing · 3 years

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Rise Of Glory || 6

Again, it cries, and again, and again.

Harry and I wander to the cobble steps to his mother's house, Alex asleep in Harry's arms from the long drive. The drive was quiet, not because I am tired but because I don't know what to say at this point. Nothing I do or say is going to change things or make anything better. I am at a loss.

The door opens, and his mother stands in the doorway, bewildered by our sudden appearance. I don't blame her. It is unlike us to abruptly show up on her doorstep. Most of the time, Harry gives her a heads up.

She grants us her routine tender smile and ushers us inside.

"What brings you two here suddenly?" Harry's Mum questions.

I glance towards Harry, curious as to what he plans to tell her. Telling your mother you only came to visit to see a grave is not something you'd want to admit out loud or at all.

"Uh," Harry clears his throat, "The media have swarmed my building and are starting to come out at the house. We came here to get a break," Harry answers, opening his arms to half-hug his mother, who he has missed dearly, he won't admit it, but he has. He may hate having to come to Cheshire, I don't think that will ever change, but he loves having his mother back in his life at a more constant and healthier level. Their relationship has improved tremendously since I came here when we first started dating all those years ago. I still remember that weekend like yesterday.

It was the weekend I realised that the man I was falling in love with gives everything he has, mentally, emotionally and physically, to his mother and sisters wellbeing. He'd allow himself to drown a million times if it meant his family could stay afloat.

"I'm going to put him down," Harry informs his mother and me, giving me a tired smile before walking past me and down the hallway towards Harry's old bedroom.

Harry's Mum peers over towards me, her brows furrowing and her lips pursing; I can tell her thoughts are ticking away and that something is playing intensely on her mind. She has the same expression Harry has when he wants to say something but leaves the words on the tip of his tongue, unsure of whether to say them or not.

I cock my head to the side, debating myself whether to give her the go-ahead to tell me whatever is on her mind.

"He's lying to me," Anne bluntly states before I can figure out how to ask her what's on her mind, "You had to have left at around 3 in the morning to be here by now. He's tired, almost like he hasn't slept in days," she points out, "And you… you look exhausted too. I don't believe it's the media at your house that caused you both to drive up here… I'm not complaining. I'm just… I'm curious."

"It has been a long week for him. He wanted to get away." I don't know who I am trying to convince more, myself or her.

"He hates it here with a passion. I have seen the articles."

I nod, agreeing with her. She knows the truth. Harry doesn't bother trying to hide the fact that he still hates this place. Even when we first started dating, he made it known he wasn't happy to be back. His home town brings back memories he doesn't want to remember, especially when he and his relationship with his mother were strained to the point they weren't speaking at all. "This is where he wanted to come."

"But it isn't where he wants to be… he hates it up here… are things that bad in London?" She questions softly, and I can't help but nod. She looks me up and down and bites her lip for a moment, almost as if she's holding back whatever thoughts are racing through her thoughts, "Are you and Harry okay? You're not fighting or?"

"We're fine," I immediately cut her off, "It's the business and the media that's pushing him off the rails."

"Mhm," she hums, "And you, are you okay?"

I give her a small smile and nod, "I'm okay."

"You're lying."

"Anne—"

"Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but you look exhausted. Have you slept at all?"

"It's been a rough few months," I softly respond, "It has taken a lot out of me."

The last three months have been an absolute roller coaster, mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not quite sure how I've managed to keep things together to the extent I have. There are still days I feel like the world's weight is so heavily on me that I can't breathe. There are days I feel like I'm drowning and can't pull myself away. There are the days I feel like I'm finally okay and can breathe, but the second I manage to come up for air, there's something to pull me down, whether it's work-related, family-related or past related.

"Why didn't you call? Harry kept saying you were fine."

"I have been fine," I respond softly.

In all honesty, I have been fine… kind of. I'm as fine as what can be expected, considering the events that have happened. I'm not going to lie, I may be fine, but I'm still very much up and down when it comes to things. There are good days, and there are bad days.

"If you ever need me, I'm just a call away. You know that, right?" She offers me her sweet, caring smile that has always assured me of tough times and situations.

"Yes, I know."

"Okay, go get yourself some sleep."

"I have work I need to do once I get my laptop out of the car. We might be up here, but the business doesn't stop just because we aren't there."

"Well, at the very least, take a seat on the couch, put your feet up and relax for a minute. Let me at least make you some tea."

"You're too kind to me," I smile towards her.

"You're kind to my son. It's the least I can do for my darling daughter-in-law," she beams.

Anne hands me a steaming cup of tea as I answer a few emails from my phone, too tired to go out and get my laptop. "I have one last question."

"Mhm," I hum, waiting for her to ask what is on her mind.

"What happened to his hand?"

"Oh, he was washing dishes and somehow cut his hand," I tell her the truth.

I don't think it is my place to tell her about Logan or that Harry might be losing his mind. Right now, it is up to Harry to speak to her and want to talk about things. I cannot force him. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Harry will speak when he feels like speaking, and he will tell his mother when he is ready and on his terms.

I don't think I should be the one to tell her that we made the long drive up here just because Harry can't wrap his head around the fact Logan has risen from the dead. No mother wants to hear that as a reason as to why their son has finally visited.

I wish I could say that we visit here often for good occasions, but it is far from the truth. We come up here for holidays, and that is as far as it goes. I have made the drive a few times with Alex to get away from the city, but that has been on rare occasions. Harry doesn't like the idea of me making the drive on my own, and he hates having to come up here. We have settled on staying away from Cheshire and having his mother visit us when she can. I do wish things were a bit different. I do wish we lived closer to his Mum or came up here often. I think it would benefit Harry to be around his mother more and have a family sense. He has my family, but it is different. His mother is irreplaceable, and I know that deep down, he misses his sister. They may not be on the best of terms right now, but I know he loves and misses her.

When Alex is a little older, I would often like to bring him up here to see the neighbours' baby animals. He would love playing with the goats and picking fresh farm eggs, which is not as usual in our life. He would be thrilled to run the fields without a care in the world, a completely different environment compared to home. We have a lot of space for him to run around at home but nothing like the countryside.

❈ ❈ ❈ ❈ ❈ ❈

With Harry's fingers laced with my own, I pass the identical headstones that I passed in November of 2021, on the same day we buried Logan.

Nothing has changed about the cemetery. It's still as uncanny and ill-fitting as it was that day. The headstones are still cracked and withered with the voyage of seasons. It is a shame how the graves fade away. It's almost as though since these souls have left earth, nobody cares enough to fix up the graves that have cracked and deteriorated. It bothers me now like it did the day I walked through here a few years ago.

This cemetery is old, at least over 100 years old. I remember noticing some of the inscriptions when I was here last dated back to the 1800s. These monument stones of cold, decaying cement have presumably observed more people and tears of melancholy and exuberance than one could probably picture. And yet, nobody can take the time to take care of the graves. There are scarcely any flowers on the graves.

It disheartens me that as I escort past all these graves, I still feel saddened even years later because we pass by people who have once lived and wandered this very earth.

"Harry, are you sure it's this way?" I challenge as we pass another row of headstones.

I can't tell if my anxiousness tells me we have gone too far or if we need just to leave and go back home. Part of me doesn't want to wander any further than what we have. After all, walking through grave yeards is always eerie.

"I'm sure I know where my dead brother is buried," Harry grimly mutters, "I was here for it." Harry reminds me of the day he endured.

"No need to be so… morbid," I inform him, doing my best to keep my voice low. We don't need an argument in the middle of a cemetery, even if he is a dickhead.

I stop in my tracks, and Harry turns to glance at me as his hand leaves mine, "Why are you stopping?" Harry questions, and I can't help but take a moment to take in his features as a distraction.

I don't know how to tell him that I don't feel comfortable walking in this cemetery, I don't want to go any further, and I don't think this is a beneficial approach. Nothing good ever comes from this place. I push away my thoughts and feelings, "I couldn't remember if I checked on Alex before we left," I lie. I know I checked on Alex before we left. He was still asleep and cuddled up to his teddy bear.

"We both did, love. Mum knows what she's doing, and you know that, relax," Harry responds, kissing my cheek before lacing his fingers back with mine and beginning to walk again.

Harry and I come to an abrupt standstill, and the two of us become withdrawn while we take in the view of what's in front of us. Harry squeezes my hand gently, and I can't help but squeeze back, a small amount of reassurance for him to know that I am right here and that I can see the same thing he can see.

The deafening silence is intruded abruptly and without signal by the ghastly screech of a blackened crow— the same intense screech that I swear I first heard once Logan was buried in this plot.

Again, it cries, and again, and again.

I shiver as a tingle operates through my body, the character of the crow sounding like nails on a chalkboard. This is the same place I stood in years ago when the crow first screeched—Harry was squatting by the grave, gazing at the soil, and I was standing right here.

I take a breath of the crisp air, and my eyes immediately cast themselves on the crow that is shrieking. Its relentless stare catches my own before I take note that it isn't alone. Harry and I are outnumbered and are intently observed by one… two... three… four… five crows, possibly six; I can't tell if the shadow in the distant tree is one of them or not. Either way, I wish we had never come here. They say if you see five crows, sickness will follow; see six crows, and death will follow.

A gust of wind whisks past us, settling brittle, dead leaves to dance around our shoes to take my gaze away from the crows. I watch the leaves swing around our feet, twirling around us like vines, almost as though they're tightening around our feet and ready to pull us down. I caress my hand to my stomach as I observe the leaves tumbling, leaving me with a heavy feeling in my stomach that twists, knots, and tightens like the motions of the leaflets. The breeze declines, and the leaves become motionless.

I gaze back towards where the first crow was, only to find it gone, leaving me with nothing but an unsettling uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and an abandoned grave of where Logan used to rest.

#harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagines #harry styles fanfiction #imagine harry styles #harry styles prompts #harry styles blurbs #harry styles writing #fanfiction #harry styles fanfictions #Styles & Co #CEO harry #CEO harry edits #Imagine harry styles #harry styles fic #harry styles one shots #harry styles preferences #1d imagine

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mimssides · 3 years

Text

Never Met You

Chapter 5: Defence

To protect those who they love is an act of strength and kindness. To protect they need rest themselves. They shall rest.

It was late and the palace was asleep. The rose maze was peacefully quiet and the moonlight bathed the world in a silver shimmer. It was beautiful.

And lonely.

Roman could not help himself. He had known Janus for so many years who loved and adored him. He had Virgil by his side who kept him sane and safe. He had Logan who had put up with all the unreasonable decision he had ever made.

And yet, as Roman sat down in the middle of the maze beneath the rose arch on the bench, he felt void. He had for all his life felt a certain longing for something that was not there. It had become worse in the last few weeks, especially since Janus had been mostly preoccupied with meetings and aiding Logan with his duties. He knew something was off and he was glad when they finally approached him and asked if he could go to Sictes to get some allies.

He would get going tomorrow, and while he didn’t like to leave Janus back, he knew it was the most reasonable thing he could do right now. It also was easier for him to not be in the castle. It made the void hurt less in a way.

Stillness.

Roman’s heart began to race. He jumped on his feet, feeling the tip of cold metal barely scratching the middle of his back. Twirling around, drawing his sword, which was sharp despite Janus’s protests, and facing a figure in black, face hidden behind a black mask.

An ambush.

The ambusher stormed at him but Roman dodged and evaluated his situation quickly. There were more people coming, he could hear the scurrying around now that he was listening for it. His chances could be worse. He knew the maze like no other, better than the gardeners even, and they were not aware that he was able to hold himself in a fight.

Dodging. Duck. Go for the legs and shove to the bushes. One distracted, a second and third one came from the opening to his left and one had jumped over the bushes in front of him. They were trying to corner him.

They would not succeed, Roman decided. With a grunt he manoeuvred himself towards the one on the left, went for his wrist and made him drop his sword. Next, he focused on the one in the front and-

He barely managed to pull away as the first ambusher grabbed him by the arm. Roman panted. No, he wasn’t exhausted yet. But they have been cornering him and he did not know how to get out of this situation anymore.

He couldn’t go like this. He couldn’t lose like this.

“HeeEEllooOOO!”

The squeaky maddening scream had the ambushers turn around. Roman used his chance and fled to the side as someone barrelled into the one in the middle and threw them right into the thorns. Without thinking Roman turned to the closest ambusher and began to duel them.

In the corner of his eyes, he saw the third one approach him from behind, calculating already how he could fight that one off.

“I’ve got your back! Worry about what’s in front of you, Romy!”

There was something in Roman’s chest. It was warm and loud and wild. It made him grin and go for his attacker, made him move quick and nimble, made him light as a feather and made it almost playfully easy for him to fight them off, as he cut them into their right shoulder.

They whistled. At once the two others moved away. Roman was about to follow them, but he stopped as a hand was put on his right shoulder and held him back. And just then the three ambushers were gone in the shadows.

The night was quiet again. As if nothing had happened. Roman could be dead now and no one would know until the gardeners would find him. Janus and Virgil would not find him, would only see the dried blood beneath his form, his lifeless corpse rotting amongst the grass and thorns.

“It is okay. We are okay, Roman. Breathe. Slow and steady. Slow and steady does it.”

In front of Roman was Green, standing in the faint moonlight. He had stepped in front of him, had put his other hand on his left shoulder and was asking him to calm down. And Roman did calm down. He had to. He had to quiet down and get out of the maze. They were still out in the open and needed to get away.

But first he had to focus on calming down. It would be fine. Never in his life Roman had found himself calming down so quickly but he was not going to question it and nodded at Green who waited for him to give him the green light to proceed. The two hastily went back to the castle.

When they were barely in sight of the guards, Green already called for them. Ordered them to immediately search the castle walls, the gates and passage ways to the door. No one was to go alone and they needed to search the rose maze this instance. They were about to dismiss his orders when they spotted Roman behind him. They froze on the spot and Roman told them to follow his orders.

The castle awoke. Roman and Green went inside, immediately heading towards the backroom in the servant wing. Roman had never told Green that they should go there but Green found the way nevertheless. On their way Roman requested the guards to wake the king and tell Janus and Virgil to “retreat”. They would know where to look for them.

Meanwhile, Roman and Green slipped by the guards and servants eyes, along the shadows and hallways rarely someone used. Roman knew them by heart. He had explored them when he was younger and studied every corner after the day it had happened. He needed to know where he could hide in a dangerous situation and after all those years the fear and terror had kept him from forgetting a single detail.

The backroom was in the last corner of the castle, a dead end where no one went when they were trying to escape or hide themselves in. And still, Roman had chosen this room to be his safe haven. There was security in an unlikely hiding spot and he sat down on a wooden chair as Green positioned himself next to the door. He was looking over to him and scanning the room all while listening at the door for whoever was to come in. They were quiet and waited.

Roman wasn’t quite sure when it happened but after some time, he had begun to analyse the intruders’ behaviour. He thought about how they entered the premises, how they fought and how they had focused on him. The conclusion he got to did not sit well with him and he was glad when he could change his focus on the door as he heard someone approach from the outside.

He knew the steps and before he could say it Green opened the door and let in Janus followed by Logan and Virgil. The king had still a rather sleepy look in his eyes and was wearing a nightgown but tensed immediately as he saw Roman sitting on the chest. Worriedly, he looked over to Green, hands pressed over his chest and motioned Virgil to close the door.

“There was an ambush.”

The terror on Janus’s face was indescribable. Without thinking he rushed over to Roman’s side, kneeled down in front of him and cupped his face between his hands.

“How? When? Why were you not in your room?”

Virgil’s voice was booming despite his low volume. Roman straightened up and softly pushed Janus’s hands out of his face. He then pulled Janus to sit next to him, while putting his arm around his shoulders.

“I could not sleep,” Roman explained and observed with one eye, how Green led Logan to sit on another box as the king trembled under the stressful revelation. “I did not mean to alarm you and went outside to catch some fresh air. They came for me in the rose maze. Green came and fought them off. It cannot be longer than half an hour ago.”

“You are not allowed to simply leave your room without informing us! Not in times like these!” Virgil hissed towards the prince.

“I can be killed in my own room just as easily as in this rose maze, Virgil. It makes no difference, if they want, they will find me anywhere.”

Virgil’s face froze and Janus gripped Roman’s arm, exclaiming loudly: “Roman!”

“This changes nothing. I will go tomorrow. We need the backup. Now more than ever.”

“You are most certainly not leaving! We haven’t even found out who did this yet! It might as well be someone from Sictes who allied with George to find you! I will not send you into your death.”

Janus had tears in his eyes as he begged for Roman to stay. He begged for his friend to be reasonable and approachable, to not fall back into habits that could have him hurt or even killed. And Roman just looked at him with those determined eyes and this heavy look. This look that made it clear that he would not just stop.

“This was not someone from Sictes,” Green broke through the moment and all eyes landed on him. “It was an Raganian blade these attackers wielded. But it was not someone sent by King George directly, otherwise they would not have tried to kill him.”

“Wha-” Janus stuttered but Green continued.

“It is smarter to take the prince hostage, instead of killing him. It would force us to act quietly and would keep the other kingdoms from interfering out of concern for Roman’s wellbeing, while killing Roman would lead to a guaranteed uproar in Sictes as well as in Kainen. And while King George is proud and overconfident, he is far from stupid. This is not a risk he would take.”

Another pause. Logan sighed and buried his head in his hands. He went mentally through what he had heard Green and Roman tell them just now and tried to puzzle the picture together. The timing was eery, he had to consider if there was a mole among their midst. Even so, it could have been a coincidence. What was not a coincidence though were the attempt on Roman which could have also caused his own fall, since he only was holding this position because of Roman’s order.

“So, it most likely was an operation contrived by someone in George’s court who went behind his back?” Logan concluded and glimpsed up to Green who nodded.

“Yes, that is it most likely. The way these people moved hints towards special training for a secret force, and their weaponry and clothing were perfectly tailored for each of them, which hints to a benefactor of high standing who could pay and arrange those things to be given to them secretly. They knew what they were doing and probably had scouted the area. Still, that they found Roman in the maze could mean that-”

Roman continued Green’s sentence as if they had coordinated it: “-they found me through magic. Yes, I came to that conclusion as well. They should not have known that I was not in my room. I haven’t been outside in the maze for the entirety of my stay. They should have looked in my room first, but they haven’t been there, as otherwise Virgil would have caught them.”

Silence stretched over the five men in the room for a moment. Outside, far away in the halls, the guards were bustling around, servants running and following the instructions Green and Roman had given them a few minutes prior.

“Why were you outside?”

Logan’s voice was not sharp but still cut through the silence like a hot knife through butter. Green, who the question had been posed to, opened his mouth but was promptly cut off by Janus adding: “We need the truth here. Only the truth will let you leave this room alive right now.”

Roman froze. No, how- Green was not the traitor! He knew he wasn’t! Janus was wrong to assume that Green was a mole just because he was out in the night without reason. Because he somehow had the perfect timing in rescuing him. Because he somehow had known that the swords were Raganian and their fighting style one of a secret force.

Oh, no.

Then Green dropped on his knees before the king. There was a look of deep devotion, certainty and the uncharacteristic hint of shame in his face. Roman watched Green’s hand twitch as he lifted it towards Logan’s knee but stopped and put them onto his own thighs.

And Green spoke: “I am aware that my knowledge of the situation and the details surrounding it are suspicious. If you need me gone, I will be happy to rot in your prisons or decapitated on your demand, Your Majesty. Because I know the reason, I have to give you will not be able to cease your worries, but I shall give it to you nevertheless.”

He took one last breath as he bowed his head and resumed his answer.

“I – I am plagued by nightmares, have been for many, many years. They are senseless and violent and bloody. Cruel with no rhyme or reason to it. I am quite used to the imagery but once in a while they get especially troubling and I found myself having such dreams far too often lately. I try to get to bed late because of this, but tonight I forgot the time and wandered to the gardens. They were quite beautiful in the moonlight and it was then that I heard the ambush. I know this is not a sufficient answer but it is the answer I-”

“I believe you,” Logan spoke the words which Roman thought.

Roman watched with a smile as Logan tapped Green under the chin and the guard looked up with big disbelieving eyes. For the first time since Roman had come back from his journey Logan did not look like he was as tense as an overstretched spring.

“You do?”

Logan grinned and nodded. He eyed Janus from the corner of his eyes and saw him pressing his lips together in displeasure. The guard had spoken the truth and Janus could confirm it despite the sour taste the whole situation left on his tongue.

“Yes, I do,” Logan confirmed now verbally. “You did not lie, the Royal Advisor could tell so much, and you have yet to make a single mistake in front of me or the others which would lead to me distrusting you. And I have to admit that it is quite a relief for me to learn that I made a good choice by having you by my side.”

***

“I don’t think, I’ll ever get used to this,” █████ said as he looked at the crown in his hands.

He and Roman had met up in Roman’s room after the mourning festivities had ended and all of the castle had quieted down. Now it was only the two of them, █████ leaning against Roman’s side. Roman had put his arm around his shoulder and was staring at the sparkling crown in █████’s hands as well. The faint candle light threw dark shadows and Roman tensed up a little. █████ noticed and pressed himself closer to Roman’s side.

“Neither will I,” Roman said after a few moments and took the crown out of █████’s hands and set it on the night table.

They looked at each other for a moment. Roman opened his mouth to say something but stopped and instead signed “I’m sorry.” Talking was still too much of a task for him, after a whole year of silence. █████ just shook his head and put his arms around Roman’s torso to squish him in a hug.

Minutes passed by and eventually Roman wiggled out of █████’s embrace. Quietly, he got off the bed and motioned for █████ to follow him. He followed and the two went to the bay window, which Roman opened and promptly climbed out off. Perplexed █████ stared at him for a moment before he followed as well and climbed down the ivy vines which grew beneath Roman’s window.

When █████’s feet touched the ground, Roman took his hand and pulled him along in a hurry. █████ let him do so and simply observed the dark surroundings until they ended up in the rose maze.

Months later Roman would finally explain to █████ how he had spent many days out in the gardens and familiarized himself with the gardeners and how they maintained the bushes and the maze. Thus, he knew exactly at which spots he could hide the wooden swords, which he pulled out of the bushes close to the middle of the rose maze. But at this particular instance Roman did not explain █████ what he was doing and simply handed him the wooden sword.

“What is the meaning of this?” █████ asked without taking the sword.

Roman sighed and looked up to the sky. The moon wasn’t out anymore and stars were sparkling up there in the prettiest lights.

Roman licked his lips and looked back down meeting █████’s eyes directly.

“I’m scared that they’ll come for us me.”

█████ stiffened. He heard the unsaid I’m afraid they’ll come for you.

“I want us me to be prepared. They don’t teach us me to fight properly and I want to know how. I want to train. I want us me to be able to survive.”

A moment passed. █████ took a deep breath and then the sword. For a few minutes Roman explained the basic fighting stances he had seen the soldiers and guards practice, until he began to simply show them as talking got too hard for him. They didn’t stay outside for much longer and soon went back through the window.

Many nights like these would follow but that night █████ and Roman did not think of the future any longer, huddled together in Roman’s bed and slept peacefully for the first time in a year.

***

Roman had never been so relieved to hear somebody admitting that they had nightmares. Green’s words had done something in his mind and for a moment, a very small split second, the loneliness in his chest shrunk a little.

“Alright, then. Green’s good but we still aren’t through with you Roman. You will not leave tomorrow,” Virgil said stubbornly.

Roman shot up from his seat and balled his fists.

“You cannot decide this!”

“No, I can’t but I won’t accompany you to your fucking death, Princey! And you know that I am doing you a favour. You are smarter that this!”

“I am not stupid or naïve!” Roman all but shouted towards his friend and tried to get a grip on himself.

Instinctively Roman stepped back, his back touching the wall of the chamber and he watched through the group gathered around him. Janus’s expression was apologizing but stern, he was on Virgil’s side, no doubt. Logan was unreadable but Roman knew that in the end Logan was a strategist and him leaving the castle after what had happened tonight was far too risky. Yes, Roman understood their stances, but the problem was that he was useless except for diplomacy missions. He could not help prepare an army, he could not plan infrastructure or safety plans. The only thing he was, was a pretty face and a charming voice with some good social networking skills. And in the castle that meant nothing.

“Your Royal Highness.”

Roman’s view was blurry but he managed to look at Green who spoke softly: “You are quite brilliant with your words and your charm. And I don’t doubt that you could get through another ambush. But remember that Sictes has no guards like we do. Remember that their walls aren’t as thick as ours and their history hasn’t been filled with assassinations and bloodshed. We shall not bring danger to other kingdoms if we needn’t, Your Royal Highness. We cannot bring the doom to other places just to safe our neck. I know that at heart you are too caring to do something like that.”

It was not the words exactly. Nor was it the phrasing or the intonation. But never in his life had Roman felt his father’s presence shining so much through a person. And with everything that had been happening tonight he felt his hold on himself crumble. Trembling he sat back down on the chest, pressed his hand over his nose and mouth and tried to not cry like a small child because this man somehow reminded him of his father.

Of course, Janus shimmed closer to him and asked what was wrong. Of course, Virgil knelt down next to him and calmingly pressed his hand against his thigh. It took a minute until Roman was calm again, he managed to keep himself from crying and brushed his two worried partners off.

“I see your point. I know it has been a close call and I understand the risks. I just wished I could be of use somehow. Here I can’t do anything,” Roman explained to Green first and then pushed his focus towards Logan.

Logan raised his eyebrows and shook his head. Swiftly he crossed his legs and told Roman: “I can think of a few things you could help me with. Tomorrow we can talk about it in detail but for now I will remind you that your mere presence and smile will let the people hope. They have lost your father and mother, the first to finally bring some sort of peace and prosperity to these lands, and you are the result of their believes and strengths. You are what remains and no matter how good of a king I am, they need to know that their prince is alive and well. They need you alive and so do I. So, thank you for staying here. It will be a great relief.”

Roman nodded and Green and Janus announced that they were now going to check in with the patrols that were sent out to see if it was safe for both king and prince to get back into their sleeping chambers. Virgil would stay with them and keep them safe.

The door fell into its lock as Green and Janus left. Virgil eyed first Roman and then Logan for a few moments. He said nothing as Logan stood up, his legs shakier than usual. He only reacted when he suddenly leaned against the wall to keep himself upright.

“Logan?” Roman asked as Virgil helped Logan regain his balance and led him to the prince.

A little floppy Logan sat down next to him and rubbed his temple.

“Just some light-headedness. Nothing you shall worry about. Now, what had you moved so deeply by Green’s words? I have rarely seen you in such a state and I would like to know what brought it up.”

Roman kneaded his hands and opened his left one. He had thin long fingers, long nailbeds. He was told that they were the hands of his mother. But his complexion and facial structure were his father’s. A memorial to them both.

“I don’t know what it is with him but-” Roman looked up and found the courage to meet Logan’s eyes- “he reminds me of something I can’t quite pin down. And just how he spoke, the way he addressed me, it was as if my father was here for a moment. He just. He really reminded me of him there and while it was painful to remember, it was also unspeakably comforting.”

Logan was not a touchy person in general. So, when he hugged Roman it came a bit as a surprise. What was even more surprising was the fact of how much Roman leaned into the touch. He buried his head in the nape of Logan’s neck and Logan let him do so wordlessly. They parted when Virgil remarked that he could hear Janus and Green come back.

The area had been scouted and a few traces of the intruders had been found close to the eastern wall but otherwise there seemed nothing to go off. Janus had the guards patrol the walls and would initiate a closer look on the kingdom’s borders as soon as the next morning broke. Though for now Logan and Roman could retreat to their rooms, with heightened security of course.

“Thank you very much, Janus. Would you and Virgil accompany me? I wanted to have a word. Green, please bring Roman to his sleeping chamber,” Logan ordered and slowly stood up.

Virgil quirked his up but wordlessly moved up to his side and opened the door for him and Janus. Green followed with Roman and they parted in the hallway to get to their respective wings. Roman looked at the guards standing alongside the walls, the servants bustling around with sleep still in their faces despite the hustle in the castle.

“How late is it even?” Roman mumbled to himself when they finally go to his wing.

Green opened the door to his chamber and said in the same moment: “Half past 1, Your Royal Highness.”

Roman blinked. That was indeed rather late. He gulped and walked towards his room. In the doorframe he stopped and turned around to look at Green. For a moment he mused and then he had made up his mind.

“Would you terribly mind to come inside for a moment? I know your day has been long but I doubt that another few minutes will make that much of a difference.”

Green’s lips twitched but he bowed his head and followed Roman inside. Easily, Roman strode across the room to his little sitting corner and told Green to sit with him. The guard followed and sat silently waiting for Roman to say what he wanted to say.

Roman straightened his pants for a moment and looked over the ruffles and dirt that had been caught on bottom of them. It was rare for him to get this dirty. Not because he didn’t want to but because he was kept from doing so.

“You didn’t tell them that I fought alongside you. Why?”

Green shrugged.

“You said I fought them of, so I assumed you didn’t want them to know that you fought as well. And I had never heard people talking about your sword fighting skills, so what I saw was most likely something you learnt in secret. And while Janus would react delightfully appalled to you hiding this from him, I did not want to be a tattletale. You’ve got your reasons and I respect that, Your Royal Highness.”

Roman listened closely and saw how Green gesticulated during his speech. The movements of his hands were peculiar, not random and agitated but had a method to it. Like the signs he had made up during his year of mourning Roman’s mind added. Green had handled his panic more masterfully than Virgil had after five years of knowing him. He had used nicknames for him, had included himself when he told Roman they were fine.

“Thank you,” Roman settled with instead of voicing any of those observations. “For the secret keeping, the saving and for talking some sense into me. The gods know what would happen if I had kept fighting Virgil and Janus on this. Eventually this would have escalated a lot worse than it did, and I have no intention of hurting these two.”

The look and grin Green had on his faces told Roman that he had known so even if he hadn’t said it. How odd. This stranger being able to just understand him so effortlessly did not worry or bother him nearly as much as it should.

They sat there in silence a little longer. Roman’s head was buzzing, his chest felt heavier but more fulfilled than usual. He again and again eyed this new guard. Thinking about what Janus had told him about Green. About the kid he saved, about things he knew but shouldn’t know about.

Green meanwhile decided that he needed to get Roman to sleep. Calmly, he said to him that they should probably head to bed now and got a silent nod as an answer. He stood and turned away as the prince went to change into his nightclothes and watched as he silently crawled into his bed. He was about to bow and turn away, when a question kept him in place.

“Will you stay?”

Green looked over his shoulder. The faint light of the candle next to his bed illuminated him in a flickering but faint glow. He looked so much smaller and fragile than he should.

“In the room?” Green asked with furrowed brows.

Roman’s voice was quiet as he said: “Yes.”

And in the castle. In our lives. Here, with us. Roman added in his mind but the words were stuck in his mouth. He didn’t know why but with Green here he felt just less lonely.

To his luck, Green didn’t question him. Instead, he simply nodded and sat down on the bench to the foot of his bed. Roman thanked him again and asked if he should blow out the candle.

“You may,” Green said and the room was coated in darkness.

___

Link for AO3, Taglist, Masterlist, and next Chapters are in my first reblog!

#intrulogical #remus sanders #roman sanders #platonic creativitwins #logan sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #fighting #talk of murder #panic attack tw #attempted assassination #eir writes #please reblog #Never Met You

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thepancakedetective · 4 years

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The Phantom Thieves and the Seven Deadly Sins

Synopsis: In a world without personas, a group of justice hungry teens seek to deliver justice under the guise of the renowned Phantom Thieves. Goro Akechi is an up and coming Ace Detective assigned to capture the vigilantes. Would you betray your love for Justice? Akira would.

Akira held Goro close to him as the other slept soundly against his chest. It was close to 3 a.m. and Akira was nowhere close to falling asleep. Up until an hour ago, he had been consoling a seemingly inconsolable brunet. Goro had been shamefully taken off the task force which was responsible for catching the Phantom Thieves. And it was all Akira’s fault. Not that the red rimmed, tear stricken, detective in his arms knew.

About a few weeks ago, a starry eyed Goro had detailed his grand scheme to corner and capture the Phantom Thieves once and for all. Apparently, he had deduced, with surprising clarity, their next heist location—The Casino of Envy. With a grand gesture and a smirk upon his lips, he had explained it was evident that their modus operandi was heavily inspired by the seven cardinal sins. He detailed how their first target, Kamoshida was Lust. The subsequent targets: Madarame, Kaneshiro, and Okumura respectively represented Pride, Greed, and Gluttony. Given that there were three vices left (Sloth, Envy, and Wrath) it was some wonder, with a 33% probability, that Goro not only guessed the vice correctly, but the location as well. It was moments like this where Akira found himself dangerously teetering between deep respect and something more towards the Ace Detective.

Yet Goro had no idea that there were only two vices left—Envy and Wrath. The Thieves had already “stolen” Sloth from Futaba when they had broken through to her that she was not responsible for her mother’s death. Instead, the murderer was their final target—Masayoshi Shido. Who coincidentally was also the father of his sleeping companion. Akira had a hard time naming what they were to each other at this point. Friends normally wouldn’t be fast asleep on his chest. Akira liked to think their relationship was ambiguous. It made the guilt he felt a little easier to bear. Especially when Goro had lost his job because of him.

To be honest, the casino raid was clever, complex, and nearly foolproof. Except Goro no longer held the upper hand because he had unknowingly unveiled his plan to the leader of the Phantom Thieves.

It felt thoroughly wrong to convey Goro’s plan to his team, especially after seeing the excited dreamy look in Goro’s eyes while he spoke. But his team couldn’t afford to back down yet. Especially since Masayoshi Shido was nearly in their grasp. So they foiled Goro’s plan and slipped out of his hands once again. Except this time, the police department was through with his failures and appointed Sae Niijima to lead the case instead. Goro was relieved of his position as there were concerns that he had been leaking information out to the Phantom Thieves. Which unfortunately, he was.

Akira sometimes wondered how Goro would react to this. Finding out that the man he had been seeing for the past couple of months was just using him. Of course, it didn’t start out this way. The two had met long before each were respectively involved with the Phantom Thieves. Yet the beginnings did not justify the ends and their present situation had evolved from willful negligence on Akira’s part. Neglecting to listen to the small voice in his head screaming how wrong it was to string along this intelligently sweet little mess of a human being. Who was already dealing with one manipulative relationship and had fallen into a new one with him.

Sometimes that thought broke Akira.

Other times it fueled his resolve to take down Goro’s manipulative, son of a bitch, father. Even if it meant sacrificing the trust they built over the past months.

Akira laid wide awake on his crate supported mattress with the soft weight peacefully resting against his chest. Akira knew he would not be able to sleep until he made a decision. He was to either tell Goro the whole truth about himself and the Phantom Thieves or forever hold his peace until his dying breath.

The latter was tempting. But Goro deserved better.

Akira traced the line of Goro’s jaw with his fingers. He rested his palm against the fullness of his cheek and held his face gingerly with a shaky hand. Goro was so damn beautiful. He had a mind as sharp as the tip of a sword and a tongue which could ensnare unsuspecting foes. His eyes always seemed to dance with fire light whenever he talked about Featherman R. His wavy brown hair was as stubborn and unruly as their owner when it came to admitting they were wrong. There were so many wonderful quirks that when pieced together made Goro Akechi. And Akira...loved each one of them.

Goro stirred in his sleep.

“Akira?,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Yes?,” Akira replied with a warm smile.

“Go to sleep,” he breathed.

“Sorry, I was just distracted by how much I love you,” Akira whispered.

Goro’s next words were nearly undecipherable. But Akira made out the last few.

“Luv you too,” Goro slurred.

A painful feeling tightened in Akira’s throat.

“Would you still love me if you knew what I did?” he asked as his voice broke.

A silence which was punctuated only by the soft inhales and exhales of the brunet overtook the otherwise cold room.

Akira let out a soft chuckle.

“Of course not,” he smiled wryly.

After a few moments, Akira found himself pulled into a painful hug.

“I would,” Goro said lucidly.

Akira’s eyes widen as he flinched. Was he awake? A cold sinking feeling overtook the pit of his stomach. Akira’s breath unconsciously gathered speed. After a few moments of silence, a voice broke.

“Akira, I knew.” Goro’s voice wavered softly.

Akira lips quirked into a frown.

“For how long?” was all he could manage without his voice breaking.

“Only after the casino heist,” he mumbled. Akira could tell it was taking all of Goro’s being to remain calm.

He continued. “There was one part of my plan that I didn’t mention to anyone but you. I had briefly mentioned the use of some sort of gassing agent to knock you all out. But, that was a test. I’ve had my suspicions for a while. They were confirmed when I saw you and your team wearing modified gas masks. It was clever how those masks seemed to blend in with your natural outfits. They must have been custom made.”

Akira closed his eyes. “Yes, they were crafted by our artist.”

Goro hummed non committedly. “One of your known associates. Likely a pupil of Madarame.”

Akira laughed humorlessly. Of course, he figured that out too.

Goro turned to face Akira straight in the eyes. His eyes are tired and defeated.

“What I can’t figure out is why. Why Akira? I’m so tired of being used. If you needed my help, why didn’t you just ask for it? I know you Akira. You wouldn’t go this far if it weren’t for a worthy cause. I just wished you trusted me enough to tell me that straight to my face rather than going behind my back. It hurt. A lot. But here I am still lying here in your arms. Because I’d like to hope that our relationship meant something to you. Does it Akira?”

Akira bit his lip. “It does Goro. More than I could ever admit.”

Goro pushed himself off Akira’s chest.

“So do me a favor and start proving it,” Goro glared pointedly.

Akira sighed and sat up.

“You deserve the truth. I’ll start from the beginning. It’s a long story.”

Goro scoffed. “For the amount of time you’ve kept me in the dark and made a fool of myself, it better be hundreds of pages long.”

Akira smiled at his retort besides his better judgement. “Okay well, it all started with a man in a top hat in the middle of a busy Shibuya crosswalk...”

Akira spent the rest of the remaining twilight retelling his story into the budding hours prior to sunrise. Finally, the scales of justice had been adjusted, and Akira found himself falling into the welcoming arms of sleep. The arms of Goro Akechi, who despite the fresh pain of betrayal held him close. Akira did not deserve his compassion, he thought to himself bitterly. Yet after a while of silent rumination, Goro surmised if the tables were turned, he would have done the same. Much to his frustration. So, he forgave Akira.

If he was to be hurt, at least it was a small price to pay to hammer the last nail in Shido’s corrupt political career. The man who not only murdered Futaba’s mother. But also, his own mother by destroying her career and mental wellbeing.

Shido would pay for his crimes. And this time, Goro would be there, side by side with Akira and the Phantom Thieves, to deliver their Wrath.

#persona 5 #shuake #akeshu #goro akechi #non-metaverse fanfic #actual phantom thieves #wow i wrote this to 3am #vandyfics #inspired by pidgey3

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bestofbree · 3 years

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Stress vs. Anxiety vs. Depression: Self-Care in an era of misinformation

Be Conscious, not anxious”, sounds like great advice on mental health? It is merely an attractive phrase on social media. If you explore reliable resources on psychology, self-conscious behavior can be healthy as well as unhealthy. In fact, disproportionate self- consciousness can aggravate anxiety & related mental disorders.

Unfortunately, attractive phrases can make misinformation popular. A 2018 MIT study clarifies that over an 11 year period, retweeting of fake news & rumors was 6X times faster & 70% more probable than actual news. The World Health Organization (WHO), Center for Disease Control (CDC) & the American Psychological Association (APA) are aware of this fact. They foresee an epidemic of mental illnesses, aggravated by misinformation.

The Culprit- Misinformation Effect:

The APA recognizes misinformation effect as the interference of post-event information with the actual memory of an event. For example, doing a google search on suicidality does not make you suicidal. Then again, others may misinform you, state the google search as evidence of suicidal behavior, & alter your memory of the event. The outcome could be a misdiagnosis of self. Hence, the misinformation effect is a health risk, especially to those in social isolation or quarantine

How to curb it?

Mental Health is a serious concern. It cannot be subject to the skim & skip habits of consuming online content. Instead, do the following to avoid misinformation.

a. Seek consultation from a mental health expert. View mental health content as nothing more than a secondary resource that can make you an informed patient.

b. Avoid unsolicited advice from social media influencers. You would be surprised to know that viewers get such advice on TikTok. This misinformation and its distribution is so risky, that a psychology professor is compelled to debunk them to prevent their ill effects.

c. Bookmark the news pages for WHO, APA & CDC. Whatever you read, watch, listen or share about mental health, validate it with their public statements.

d. It is important that you verify the information you need, not just the headlines or cited sources. There are a lot of blogs out there with factual headlines & stats, mixed with some irresponsible misinformation in the following text.

e. Use the search tabs of credible sources to find more information about your topic. For example, the APA website can be a good resource for reliable information on mental health.

f. For self–help, you may visit the National Health Service (NHS) self-help guides & scroll down to mental health. You could also enroll in the Mental Health First Aid Course to help those who cannot avail of professional help.

g. Do not self-diagnose the condition beyond the occurrence of the symptoms. Mental health issues can be co-morbid i.e. co-exist with each other, as well as physical health conditions.

h.Before you jump to conclusions about your mental state, Try to access mental health experts before relying on online information. If you are on your own and have no other option but self care, start with the basics

Some of the Basics :

1. Stress

The words stress and tension are often used interchangeably. They are rooted in the expression of feeling strained or stretched by over-exertion. In Psychology, stress is the resulting response to challenging or threatening situations. Usually, it only lasts as long as you are affected by a stressor i.e. some fear or doubt that acts as a barrier to your wellbeing. Once the barrier ceases to be, you no longer feel stressed. It isn’t a disorder but a condition that needs to be managed before it becomes chronic. While entertainment can give temporary relief from stress, the long-term solution lies in therapies for cognition &/or behavior. Stress can cause headaches, loss of sleep, chest pains, rashes & high blood pressure. Long term stress can elevate your cortisol & contribute to higher cholesterol levels. If you get stressed repeatedly in your daily life; it may be chronic. Utilize these stress tips by the APA while you seek immediate professional help.

2. Anxiety

Anxiety is based on the Latin word for choke i.e. angere. In simple words, it is a fear or phobia of a certain person, place or event. Anxiety is a normal response, unless it is persistent. Since anxiety is a result of stress & not a direct outcome of external factors, it is possible for people to sustain it mentally, even in the absence of stressors. Psychologists identify prolonged anxiety as an emotional disorder. Maybe you fear the negative feedback of others & suffer from social anxiety. Maybe you carry the angst of a traumatic event in the form of PTSD. It is also possible that your anxiety manifests into a mandatory behavior that you do repeatedly i.e. Obsessive Compulsive disorder. Lately, separation anxiety and illness anxiety have been common during the pandemic & lockdown. You can never really know the anxiety disorder beyond its symptoms, unless you are a qualified mental health expert. If you feel restless & uncomfortable in supposedly normal environments, always worry about worst case scenarios, & suffer panic attacks without explicit triggers, you require immediate psychotherapy.

3. Depression:

Depressed people pass their days in a low mood of disinterest. They lack self-esteem & confidence. Before you know it, weeks have gone by in the same mental state of helplessness, hopelessness & the probable escalation to thoughts of suicide. Simultaneously, depressed people may suffer chronic fatigue, poor concentration, restlessness & sudden changes in weight & appetite. Usually, depression is comorbid with anxiety & carries the same physical symptoms. Despite popular examples of celebrities, influencers & self-certified depression survivors, it is extremely risky to observe indicators of depression & delay therapy. Depression can be addressed with a prudent combination of therapy, social support & stress management.

#stress #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mental health support #misinformation

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fullmetalscullyy · 4 years

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hawkeye’s return

summary: Hawkeye returns to Central after being stationed in Ishval, awaiting further reassignment. Havoc invited her out for a drink upon her return, only to see his old friend has changed.

additional tags: friendship, hurt/comfort, best friends, these two are best friends and you can pry that hc from my cold dead hands, ishval civil war, character study, pre-canon, hint of royai, hint of havolina

read on ao3 | rated: t | words: 4382

this has been sitting in my wips for over a year (it was originally for camp nano last year) and i finally found a plot for it that really caught me and wouldn't let go

kind of a character study of hawkeye from havoc's pov, post ishval

Jean Havoc was a tall man compared to his peers. He always felt like he towered over everyone else, which was a blessing in busier areas. He could always see over crowds and pinpoint an objective or the person he was looking for. In the busy bar in East City it was easy to see over the throng of people to spot the woman he was looking for.

He was excited. Jean grinned as he recognised the back of her head. He hadn’t seen her in almost a year. Riza had just got back from Ishval last week. She’d sought him out at headquarters, appearing as if from nowhere, and Jean had asked her if she’d like to go out for a drink that Friday night to catch up.

They’d become close friends in the Academy. Riza, Jean, and Rebecca were almost inseparable as they went through basic training. However, Riza had expressed an interest in fighting in the war and given her skills, their superiors had fast tracked her to the front lines, moving her from basic training to more Ishval-specific training. A week later, she was gone from East City, and Jean hadn’t heard from her until after she returned.

He’d tried writing. He wasn’t the best at letters, much to his mother’s chagrin. Jean always found he had no idea what to say and started rambling about something that held no significance, but he tried for his best friend. Given the reports it wasn’t pretty over there. Jean knew that would be the case, even without the reports. Even if Riza didn’t feel like writing back to him, Jean had hoped she’d at least receive them and read them. It would be a comfort from home, if anything.

He hadn’t received anything in return.

Always trying to look on the bright side of things, Jean had pushed down the uncertainty and uneasy feeling that had settled in his stomach after he spotted Riza sitting at the bar, her shoulders hunched as she nursed a drink in front of her.

“Riza,” he called, his voice carrying over the ruckus.

Her shoulders tensed and Jean’s smile wavered. Still, he pushed on forwards. Jean sat on the stool beside her, leaning his elbow on the bar top and his head upon his fist. He beamed at her. Despite her posture and her reaction, he really was excited to see Riza again. It shined through as he greeted her after almost a year apart.

“Hey,” he grinned. “Long time, no see!”

Riza spun in the bar stool and Jean took in her features. She looked… different. The first thing he managed to pick out was in her eyes. Riza looked exhausted. Had she been sleeping? She’d always had some trouble sleeping in the Academy but had never looked as worn down as she did now. Not only that, her eyes looked weary. Like they’d seen too much.

Jean swallowed, turning to face the bartender as he approached, asking for Jean’s order.

“Hello, Jean.”

He picked out how her voice wavered. Glancing back across to her, he noticed how her eyes turned downwards to stare at her drink. A whisky, Jean noted. It was a little early to be starting on the whisky, Jean thought, but Riza had always been able to hold her drink better than anyone he’d ever met. Her fingertips gripped the glass tightly, the ends of her nails turning white. Letting out a breath, Riza relaxed her shoulders as the beer was placed before Jean.

“How are you?” she asked. Riza was always more reserved of their trio, softer spoken, but was never afraid to speak up and laugh along loudly with him or Rebecca. When she asked her question, Jean had to strain to hear her. She was too quiet.

Jean shrugged. “I’m doing all right. Same old, same old. Got out the Academy, finally. It felt like I was never going to pass that final exam,” he stated dramatically. He wasn’t exactly the most studious person in the world, but when he put his mind to it, he could get it done. He didn’t pass with flying colours, but a pass was a pass in his book. He didn’t care about what grade he got. Plus, he’d more than excelled in his practical and firearms training. He was guaranteed to graduate just from them anyway.

The corners of Riza’s lips quirked up, and she turned her gaze to meet his again. She didn’t shy away this time.

“How did you do?” she asked.

“I passed. That’s all I needed to know,” he chuckled, knocking back his beer. “It was horrible though,” he grimaced.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Only having Rebecca to tutor my sorry ass was awful. She can be mean.”

Riza laughed this time, and it lightened the weight in Jean’s stomach. Her smile reached her eyes, just like old times.

With anyone else, he wouldn’t have studied them so hard for any changes, but this was different. This was Riza. One of his closest friends, who’d managed to drag his stupid ass through the paperwork of the Academy and get him a passing grade. This was the woman who’d stuck up for him and taken the blame for half the dumb things he’d done. He’d misfired at the range once – no one was hurt, and it was all downrange, but their instructor had been furious – and while Jean stood there panicking, Riza stepped in before him, announcing to their instructor that it was her. The Colonel liked Riza – and hated Jean for some unknown reason – so just scowled at her, berated her, stating he expected better from Riza Hawkeye. She was dismissed with nothing further. If it had been Jean, he’d be cleaning the toilets at the range with his own personal toothbrush for a month.

So, Jean was really worried for her wellbeing. He hadn’t known what would be coming back to him. He still didn’t. Physically, nothing was amiss. Mentally however… She was still an eighteen-year-old who’d been shipped off to war. That would take its toll on the strongest of minds – and Riza had the strongest in the world, Jean had always thought.

“I hope she wasn’t too tough on you,” Riza smiled, relaxing and becoming more comfortable the more they talked.

“Nah,” Jean waved Riza off. “Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“I’m sure,” she stated, a wry smile overtaking her face as she shot him a sideways look. Her smile hid behind her glass as she took a sip.

Jean coughed, feeling his face heating up. “Nothing happened.”

“Uh hu.” She didn’t believe him.

He was a terrible liar, Riza and Rebecca had always told him. And they were right.

“Okay, it did, but nothing much else has happened.”

“I knew it,” she grinned, eyes lighting up.

Jean scoffed and turned his gaze away while Riza laughed to herself, far too pleased about the progression of his and Rebecca’s relationship… Or whatever it was.

“Whatever,” he muttered.

“You were chasing after her for months. Finally plucked up the courage, huh?” Riza teased.

“More like I was hounded into it,” he grumbled, which earned an elbow in the ribs from Riza. It made him smile.

“Rebecca’s not like that,” she admonished.

Jean took another drink. “No, she’s not. She’s…” He could almost sigh, thinking about her.

“Aw,” Riza cooed.

Snapping out of it, Jean gave himself a shake. “Anyway, nothing much else has happened. We both got busy –”

Riza snorted and Jean glared at her for the insinuation.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Miss Hawkeye,” he scolded. “Our lives just got busy. Although,” he smirked. “Graduation night was last week and that was fun.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Shaking her head, Riza chuckled and smiled at him.

“I’m happy for you both. Truly, I am. Just make sure you don’t let her go.”

“I won’t, I promise. I know a good thing when I see it.”

The lapsed into silence and Jean watched Riza as she downed the last of her whisky, ordering another. He was happy. It was almost like old times.

“What?” she asked, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.

“Nothing, it’s just… It’s good to see you again,” he smiled softly. “I missed you.”

As her drink was handed to her, she gripped it tight once more. “I missed you too. I missed being home.”

“Probably a dumb question, but you know me,” he winked, trying to lighten the dark mood that suddenly seemed to cling to her body completely. “But how are you doing?”

Her face dropped and that weight in Jean’s stomach went with her expression. His stomach tightened and he had the distinct feeling he’d ruined the happy moment they’d found themselves in.

“I’m… all right.”

It was a practised response. Jean could see right through it. Her shoulders had tensed and if she held her glass any tighter, Jean thought it might shatter from the pressure.

“Are you sure?” he probed. He wasn’t normally one to hover or push, but he was worried about her. He couldn’t help himself, not when she looked as stricken as she did.

Riza took a deep breath then let it out shakily, lifting the glass to her lips. She took a long gulp of the whisky before lowering it, her hands shaking. Jean was instantly alert. Maybe getting drinks wasn’t such a good idea.

“Not here,” she whispered. Jean leaned forward automatically to hear her. Once it registered, his heat thudded inside his chest. “Please.”

Glancing at her face, he noticed just how much she was pleading with him.

“All right,” he agreed. If it were him, he wouldn’t want to get into anything like fighting in a war in a busy bar in East City. But he wouldn’t let it go.

The rest of their night he’d brushed it off for the moment and tried to lighten the mood. Slowly, Riza had come back to him and they’d eventually had a good time. As she laughed, her head tipped back to her hair tumbled down her back, Jean grinned at her and almost forgot about the tight ball inside his stomach, symbolising his worry for his friend. Almost.

She’d received his letters. She stuttered, her face falling when she stated she couldn’t reply to him, but Jean quickly told her not to worry about it. From her tone, it sounded like she couldn’t bring herself to reply to him. He waved it off like it was no big deal, because it wasn’t. Jean reassured her he was just happy she’d received them. That was enough for him. It always had been.

“Thank you for tonight. I really needed it,” Riza added after letting out a long breath.

They were outside the barracks where Riza was staying. It was passed midnight so everywhere was dark. There was no one about to overhear them.

Jean nodded. “Anytime, Riza. You know that.”

Her smile wavered then her face crumpled. Alarmed, Jean froze. Then, a gasping sob reached his ears and he lunged for his friend. Her sorrow kicked him into action. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders in comfort as Riza covered her face with her hand.

“Come on,” he urged. “Let’s get you inside.”

“No,” Riza shook her head, extracting herself from his hold. “I’m all right, I…”

“You’re not,” Jean called her out.

“I am. Really, I am. I’ll be fine once I get some sleep.”

“I’m not leaving you like this,” Jean frowned. “Let’s get inside, then we can talk about it.”

That last part set off alarm bells inside her head, because her whole body tensed.

Jean wrapped his arm around her shoulders once more. Starting to walk, he hoped it was in the right direction. He wished he’d asked her where exactly she stayed and planned ahead, but that was never his forte. That was more Riza’s speciality after a night of drinking.

“Jean, really, it’s okay,” she whispered but didn’t fight him as they walked. Her hands clutched her purse in front of her, her head bowed forward.

“Still not leaving you,” he muttered. “Plus, you’ve helped me out more times than I can count. It’s about time I returned the favour.”

She was silent as they walked and Jean tried to clear his head, taking deep, cleansing breaths of the cool night air. He wished he hadn’t drunk so much.

“In here,” Riza directed, slowing and turning to angle her body towards her temporary accommodation. Her hands were shaking as she unlocked the door.

Jean stepped inside and noted how bare the place looked. The room looked like it had never been lived in. It was straight out the accommodation catalogue the military always passed out, but shouldn’t bother with, because all the bunks looked exactly the same.

“How long have you been back?” Jean asked as Riza locked the door behind her.

“Just over a week.”

Jean nodded, noting how there wasn’t even a moving box lying anywhere. She’d unpacked, yet her place was still bare. That wasn’t unusual for Riza, but at least at the Academy she’d had books lying around – both fictional and those she used to study. There was some character to her living space. Some indication that someone lived there. Now there was nothing. Jean couldn’t even see that photograph she’d always had next to her bed of the boy she’d grown up with.

Turning in place, Jean’s heart broke for his friend. She looked so uncertain in her own room. Her purse had been tossed on her bed, breaking the perfectly pulled tight sheet atop of it. Even that was still the military standard brown and moss green. Now, her hands were free to wring themselves together in front of her.

“What’s going on with you, Riza?” he asked.

She cringed. “Noth –”

“Bullshit,” Jean interrupted before she could even finish. Yes, Jean had never been one to press and invade in her personal life more than she wanted anyone too, but he would still call her out on her shit. She couldn’t lie to him. Not tonight.

“It…”

He held his breath, hoping and praying she’d continue. Jean just wanted her to be okay. He wanted his friend to be happy, but something told him that the war had ripped all of that from her. Regardless of what had happened over there, he’d still love her. He’d still support her and try to work through it because that’s what friends did. They both knew what they were signing up for when they joined the military.

Jean had struggled with it at first, but Riza had helped him through it, telling him that if an enemy was threatening all she held dear, she wouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. He’d always marvelled at her strength and her resolve, vowing that he would always try and do his best to make her proud. Jean drew on her strength more than she would ever know.

Now, her own mind and her experiences were the enemy. Jean would sure as hell fight that with her and help her through it.

“It was horrible over there,” she whispered.

Jean relaxed, seeing that they would get somewhere with this. He stepped forward but stopped when he noticed the look on her face. Her gaze was cast off to the side while her hands became more frantic, wringing together.

“It wasn’t war. It was an extermination campaign.”

Jean swallowed. The military had kindly left that part out of all their news from the front.

“But they were good fighters. So good. That’s why they brought in the State Alchemists, to decimate them. I was drafted in as back up to protect them as a sniper.” Riza let out a loud shaky breath. “I… I killed people, while they were only trying to defend themselves.” She let out a sob, her face crumpling. “I hid in a tower and took lives to protect my own countrymen so they could slaughter innocents.”

Jean had his arms wrapped around her tightly in record time. He squeezed her against his body while Riza Hawkeye cried against his chest. That in itself was frightening. He’d never seen her cry before, however, Jean was glad. She was obviously comfortable enough to share it with him.

“You did what you had to do,” he murmured. He felt helpless. He couldn’t think of anything else to say that would make it better. There was nothing that would make it better. So, Jean just held her tightly.

“And… I saw him again.”

Jean instantly knew who she was talking about.

“How was he?”

“A State Alchemist. Flame Alchemy.”

Jean audibly swallowed. He’d never heard of that kind of alchemy before and had no idea where someone would acquire such a thing. Jean could only imagine the destruction one could cause with it.

“Yeah. I was so angry with him at first,” Riza admitted. Her hands gripped his jacket tighter. “I couldn’t believe what he was doing. That wasn’t the boy I grew up with. The boy I –” Her mouth snapped shut. Obviously, the drink was drawing more out of than she planned.

“You what?”

“Nothing,” she quickly replied.

“Riza, this isn’t going to work if you don’t let it all out,” he prompted.

It was silent for some time. Riza was obviously gearing herself up to admit her feelings, but Jean already knew she loved that boy she’d grown up with. It was clear as day in the way she spoke about him, which hadn’t been often. However, Riza didn’t keep childhood photos of just anyone by her bedside. She didn’t look at it fondly while he, Riza, and Rebecca were all sitting on her bed, drinking at night.

“That wasn’t the man I loved. I didn’t think he’d ever do such a thing, but he did.”

“And?” he prompted. “What happened after that?”

“But… The longer I spent over there, the more my eyes opened. The way the COs were talking about the Ishvalans… It didn’t take long to slot things into place and realise that it was an extermination campaign. Every order was designed that way. We were sent into villages that didn’t even house any fighters, but my superiors told me they were there. It was just woman and children.”

Jean felt like he might vomit.

“And… And then they congratulated me on my work.”

Jean swallowed his vomit.

“Yeah, exactly.”

Riza began to pull away from him, but Jean secured her in his arms once more.

“I… I don’t know what to say to make this better for you,” he whispered. “I really don’t. I’m not good with words, you know that. But we both understood what it was we were getting ourselves into when we signed up. I just didn’t expect to discover about the true harshness of it fresh out the Academy.”

“Welcome to the club,” she muttered.

“But I’m here for you, Riza. I’m not going to turn and run. We support each other. Me, you, and Rebecca. That’s what we do, and I’m not going to give up now.”

“You should,” she whispered against him. “I’m a monster.”

“I will be too, when I’m called up to fight. We all will be, in our own minds. Well, the soldiers that have a big enough conscience.”

Riza shuddered in his arms.

“So, what do you do now? How do you right your wrongs?”

Riza was silent once more. She seemed to be struggling with something.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not… But Major Mustang is planning on working his way up the ranks to Fuhrer. He wants to prevent another Ishval from happening again.”

“I’m in.”

Riza peeled her head up to squint at him.

“Really?”

“Of course.” Jean let go of her, bringing his hands to her shoulders. He softened his knees, so he was eye level with her. “I’ve got your back, Riza.”

Riza crushed him against her. Jean brought a hand to her back, rubbing circles on it.

“I don’t know what I would do without you right now,” she whispered.

“Oh, you’d be fine,” he waved her off. “You’re the super soldier, remember?” he quipped, calling back to their Academy days when Rebecca had joked Riza was some kind of super soldier because of how good she was at shooting.

“I don’t feel like one right now,” she murmured. “I feel dirty and ashamed.”

“That’s okay,” Jean reminded her gently. He placed his fingers underneath her chin, lifting her head so she was looking directly at him. “That means you’re human. Hell, you’re already plotting to overthrow the Fuhrer. That sounds pretty super soldier to me.”

It had managed to draw a laugh from her. A little one, but it was there. That was all Jean needed.

“You’re already trying to right your wrongs, Riza. That speaks volumes.”

“I hope so,” she muttered.

A loud yawn left her, and her eyes drooped. She looked physically and mentally exhausted. The dark circles underneath her eyes became more prominent in the low light of her room.

“You need sleep,” Jean commented.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t exactly come easily for me nowadays though.”

“Hop in,” Jean commanded, ushering her towards her bed.

“What?”

He flopped down before her, opening his arms.

Riza raised an eyebrow in question.

“I’m lying down now and I ain’t moving. So, you can choose, sleep on the floor or come join me.”

Sobering slightly, Riza shifted from foot to foot. Whatever debate she was having in her head, she gave in. kicking off her shoes, Riza climbed in beside him. Jean wrapped her tightly in her arms.

He didn’t know if what he said had gotten through to her. In the morning, he wasn’t sure if she’d remember it all. Jean hoped so, but he could never tell how drunk she was. Riza was always a damn pro at hiding it. Regardless, he would support her. They’d get through this together.

“You should probably go though,” Riza fretted, turning to face him in his arms. “It’s against the rules to have someone overnight –”

“I know,” he reminded her softly. “But it’s the weekend and I’m still not leaving you when you obviously need someone.”

“Jean,” she geared up to argue, but sounded so very tired.

“Fuck ‘em,” he muttered, pulling her tighter against his body. “This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and it won’t be a last. You went to war for them and got paid in dirt. I’ll tell them where to go if they come knocking,” he yawned, relaxing into her bed.

Riza was silent, but she curled against him.

“Thank you,” she whispered against his chest.

“Not a problem, Riza,” he mumbled. “You’re stuck with me anyway because I’m too drunk and too tired to make it back to my place.”

Riza snorted softly. “Is that the only reason you’re here?” she asked. “To get into a woman’s bed?”

Jean laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Oh yeah,” he grinned, eyes still closed. “Absolutely.”

Riza giggled against him, shifting so she was closer to his body.

It was just like old times.

“I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about this,” she whispered. “I want to do it on my own terms, if I choose to do it at all.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I… I think if I hadn’t drunk so much, I wouldn’t have broken down like that –”

“You’re allowed to let go without getting drunk, Riza.”

“I know,” she admitted. “It’s just… It’s hard.”

“Well I’m honoured you think so highly of me,” Jean yawned again, fighting sleep this time.

“And… I know I said I got your letters. I did. I kept them all but…”

“You couldn’t bring yourself to reply?” he guessed.

Riza shook her head. “I couldn’t bring myself to read them,” she admitted in a whisper.

“Why?” his brow furrowed.

“I don’t know, I… I just couldn’t.” Her shoulders curled further in on themselves.

“That’s okay. Take all the time you need,” he reassured her.

“I wanted to. I really did, but… I don’t know, I just couldn’t. It was like I didn’t deserve to.”

“How about we read through them together?” he offered. It would be embarrassing to read back on his pathetic ramblings, but he’d do it for her, if she needed it.

“I’d really like that.”

“They’re nothing special anyway,” he assured her. “I just wanted you to get something from home.” He yawned loudly once more.

“Get some sleep, Jean,” Riza murmured, but he heard the smile in her voice. “And thank you so much. You’ve been a big help.”

“Anytime,” he muttered tiredly.

“And I promise I won’t tell Rebecca about this either,” she snickered suddenly.

Jean cracked an eye open to look down at her. “If you do, I’ll tell your Major friend.”

“Fighting dirty, Jean Havoc?”

“Always,” he grinned.

Although he’d been drunk, true to his word, Jean Havoc never breathed a word of what they discussed that night. Despite the drink, he remembered every minute. It was one of the most profound nights of his and Riza’s friendship. It wasn’t one he was inclined to forget.

When Jean transferred to work underneath Mustang with Riza, he could pinpoint exactly what Riza meant when he saw them both together. They shared something so deep that Jean would never be able to understand, but that was okay. He played dumb to all that had happened in Ishval until the Lieutenant Colonel brought it up himself one night. He and Riza appeared to be similar, because he’d only confided in Jean and the rest of the boys after a night of drinking. Although inebriated, there was a burning fire in Mustang’s eyes as he shared his plans with them all, asking if they were in.

Jean meant it when he told Riza he’d tell the military where to go. He was more than ready to join the fight that had taken so much from one of his best friends.

He was in. He always would be.

#fmab fanfic #fmab fic #fma oneshot #hawkeye's return #emma writes

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gurpreetsinghuk · 4 years

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Online Counselling UK | Gurpreet Singh Counselling

Rise of Online Counselling during Corona Virus

Increased social isolation, loneliness, health anxiety and financial and job pressures create the perfect mix for an increase in stress on relationships and mental health challenges for individuals.

Impact of COVID-19

Being forced to stay inside and spend an extended period of time with each other has been hard on most relationships. During a chronic threat, like the one posed by the corona virus, it is natural and instinctual human reaction to look for a safe and trusted person or persons with whom to share the stress. Families come together to support one another through these times. Social isolation has meant that families have been unable to do that.

The virus has also created uncertainty and robbed us of our ability to plan. Making plans to meet up with friends, nights out, holidays, weddings, celebrations, funerals or anything else has had to be put on hold.

And let’s not forget the anxiety created by the threat to our physical wellbeing and our mortality by the virus itself.

All this impacts our mental health. There is a short-term impact in coping with the uncertainty in the here and now, and a longer-term impact in how this will impact our personal, social and work lives in the future. How we have adapted

People have adapted in different ways to this new situation. After getting over the initial shock of the scale of the pandemic and the isolation brought on by the social distancing, we now seem to be in a different place where the changes in the work environment have settled and we are getting used to the new circumstances.

Not all of this is bad news because the weather has held out and has been provided a much-needed lift for the general low mood. Many couples and families have parked their differences and conflicts for now and learned to get along to get past this crisis.

On the other hand the charity Refuge, reports a 25% rise in domestic abuse related phone calls. There is also a growing trend in people wanting to access information on how to cope with current circumstances and seeking help for their mental health needs.

Top Tips:

TIP 1: The top tip I can give you is that this is not the time to reinvent any part of your life. This is the time to rearrange a few things to get you through the next few weeks. Wait until things settle down and see how you feel before you make any big changes in your life.

TIP 2: Keep a routine, get the exercise and optimise your creativity instead of binging on the TV watching. Try and keep a sense of normality in your life.

TIP 3: Limit the number of times you read the news.

And the final one – Don’t put off getting help. Online counselling offers a good alternative to face to face counselling and can help you access support as an individual or as a couple from the comfort of your own home. The role of Online Counselling

A chronic threat to life (heart attack, disease diagnosis, accident, etc.), an extended period of down time (holiday), or extended period of time with someone else (Christmas period) creates a thought process in which you questions where life is going for you and what you want from it. All these factors are in play at this time as we remain in a national lockdown under threat from Corona virus. Accessing counselling early gives you the opportunity to process thoughts as they come up and get clarity over what you want. Leaving it can often mean accumulation of unprocessed thoughts and build-up of anxiety and stress.

Online counselling can help you manage your anxieties, feelings of loneliness or other problems as an individual, and to help you build a stronger relationship as a couple. I offer Online counselling sessions using Zoom, Skype or Microsoft Teams. It offers a really good alternative to face to face counselling and offers the ability to connect from the comfort of your own home without compromising social distancing rules. When the lockdown lifts, we can move the online counselling session to face to face in London Waterloo or Hampton if you prefer and are able to attend face to face.

#online counselling uk #couples counselling #relationship counselling #couples counselling central london #relationship counselling central london #couples counselling waterloo #relationship counselling waterloo

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conceptsnest · 4 years

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MENTAL/ BRAIN BANDWIDTH

Everything we do (thinking and doing) occupies some bandwidth. Some things occupy a little and others a lot. Examples of things that occupy a little, for most people, are walking, drumming your fingers, or tapping your foot, and things that we are expert at because we have done them often. Examples of things that occupy a lot are talking, listening to information, doing anything we have to concentrate hard on, doing things that we are not expert in because we have not done them before.

Driving a car is a good way to envisage this. When we were learning to drive, we had to concentrate extremely hard. We would not have been able to hold a conversation while driving. Almost all our attention was involved in trying to drive. Now that we are an expert, we do not usually have to use so much of your attention. Of course, we still must use a fair amount, but we could also have a conversation while driving. But then, every now and then while you’re driving along, something happens that means you have to focus more: the traffic increases, you come to a part of the journey where you have to look out for a turning, roadworks happen, the weather becomes difficult. Then you will find that you tend to stop conversation; you might turn the radio off; you have instinctively realised that you need more brain bandwidth for the driving.

A few more interesting examples:

1) If someone is walking at their own pace while being asked simple but increasingly difficult mental arithmetic questions, or questions that need concentration, they will begin to walk more slowly as it become harder. Eventually, they usually stop.

2) When someone is working while listening to music, they will almost always voluntarily turn it down or off when they come to something, they need lots of concentration for.

3) Air force pilots practise managing disasters repeatedly because the least amount of bandwidth should be used, freeing the rest for reacting to the unexpected. Such unexpected takes a lot of bandwidth, so as many as possible scenarios must become “expected” or at least practised and automatic.

What is Mental Bandwidth (or Cognitive Bandwidth)?

Bandwidth is what allows us to reason, to focus, to learn new ideas, to make creative leaps and to resist our immediate impulses. Bandwidth refers to our cognitive capacity and our ability to pay attention, make good decisions, stick with our plans, and resist temptations. Cognitive bandwidth is the maximum amount of thinking that is available per unit of time. It can be simplified a step further. We use the term ‘bandwidth’ to refer to two broad, related components of mental function:

1) Cognitive capacity: the psychological mechanisms that underlie our ability to solve problems, retain information, engage in logical reasoning, the ability to think and reason abstractly and solve problems.

2) Executive control: our ability to manage our cognitive activities, including planning, attention, and initiating and inhibiting actions.

Time Scarcity Vs Mental Bandwidth

Scarcity creates a powerful goal that inhibits other considerations. By constantly drawing us back to that urgent unmet goal, scarcity taxes our bandwidth and our most fundamental capacities. Busy people all make the same mistake: they assume they are short on time, which of course they are. But time is not their only scarce resource. They are also short on bandwidth. For instance, although the room seems quiet, it is full of disruptions—ones that come from within. Such internal disruptions stem from scarcity. An unrealized need can capture our attention and impede our ability to focus on other things.

The impacts of scarcity on mental bandwidth can be a vicious cycle. Feelings of scarcity, whether money or time, prey on the mind, thereby impairing decision-making. When you are busy, you are more likely to make poor time-management choices – taking on commitments you cannot handle, or prioritising trifling tasks over crucial ones. A vicious spiral kicks in, your feelings of busyness leave you even busier than before.

This scarcity mindset consumes ‘mental bandwidth’ — brainpower that would otherwise go to less pressing concerns, planning ahead and problem-solving. This deprivation can lead to a life absorbed by preoccupations that impose ongoing cognitive deficits and reinforce self-defeating actions. When you focus heavily on one thing, there is just less mind to devote to other things. We call it tunnelling — as you devote more and more to dealing with scarcity you have less and less for other things in your life.

A Cognitive Bandwidth Formula

A simple but different approach to cognitive bandwidth can be demonstrated by a formula that we can all use to find mental balance:

(Cognitive Throughput + Cognitive Overhead) ≤ Cognitive Bandwidth

1) Throughput: The actual amount of thinking done per unit of time…the throughput depends on the complexity of the stuff we are working on.

2) Overhead: Overhead is the cost of doing stuff where we must care about organization, task switching, etc, and is paid against the bandwidth limit.

3) Bandwidth: The bandwidth is fixed at some level which we can barely change.

The idea is to try and always make sure your throughput and overhead do not exceed your perceived total bandwidth. If you know your overhead is going to be high one day, try to plan for a reduced throughput (and vice versa).

Why is this brain bandwidth theory so relevant to wellbeing, stress and performance?

1) Stress and preoccupation. Three main disadvantages (among others) are:

a) That you can have too much adrenalin and have a sense of panic instead of simple alertness.

b) Cortisol has a habit of building up and over time causing problems with sleep, mental health, focus, mood, performance, and physical illnesses.

c) Preoccupation. This describes the fact that if our brain bandwidth is occupied, then we have less available to focus on the task in hand.

2) Things that occupy a lot of bandwidth:

a) Worries, anxieties, intrusive negative thoughts – if we are worried about something or someone, it’s hard to focus on our work; we’ll make more mistakes; and we’ll be snappier.

b) Processing information or tasks – such as things we are trying to learn, understand or remember

c) Anything new and unfamiliar

d) Other people being around us – they could be distracting us or making us feel unrelaxed; other people are hard to ignore

e) Working on screens – because when we are using a screen there is almost always competing information on the screen, adverts and icons and notifications designed to attract our attention away from what we are doing.

3) The consequences of that:

a) Exhaustion.

b) Mistakes and forgetfulness – the times when we have “a lot on our mind” are the times when we make mistakes.

c) Loss of executive control –the times when you snap, say and do things you don’t mean.

d) Loss of cognitive ability – it is harder to learn new things if we can’t devote our full attention.

Tips for managing your mental bandwidth

A) Ignore the Generic Methods and Experiment

There are several conflicting philosophies. For instance, a penny saved might be a penny earned, yet we're also told not to be penny smart and pound foolish. The same holds true with advice for mental bandwidth, where one source might encourage multitasking, while another demand absolute singularity of focus. Rather than trying to adapt your working style to someone else's, experiment with different techniques and keep those that are functional for you, while casting aside those that do not.

B) Actively manage your mental bandwidth

Perhaps the biggest mistake many people make is allowing their mental bandwidth to be managed for them. The beeping phone, meeting request, or act performed for ritual or obligation all rob our limited mental bandwidth, and many perform these actions unquestioningly. If you allocate your focus as you see fit, and actively choose what you want to focus on, you'll be in command of your mental bandwidth.

C) Do a bandwidth cost/benefit

Most of us are awash in meeting requests and accept without question. Everyone complains about excessive meetings, yet it's often a guilty pleasure to summon a group at your whim, or join a discussion under the assumption that your input is necessary and valuable. Simply asking yourself whether requesting or attending is worth the cost in mental bandwidth is a great start.

D) Plan for focus time

There are tasks that require great focus, whether performing precision or dangerous manual work, or designing a complex system or bit of code. Or, you may need to spend some time with a small group, free from distraction. Book a block in your calendar, shut off your phone, move to a different physical location, or do whatever is required to create the right circumstances to have the necessary focus to get the job done.

E) Know when to throw in the towel

For many of us it can be tempting to put in the extra hour at the office, or delay vacations for what's perceived as a critical set of meetings or deadlines. Trying to squeeze out the last ounce of mental bandwidth can be tempting in the moment, but it's ultimately an effort with rapidly diminishing returns. Calling it a night, taking that long-delayed vacation, or even the simple act of a quick walk around the office will recharge your mental energy and make you more effective in the long run.

F) Don't make assumptions about your team

It can be tempting to assume that what works for you will be effective for others, even to the point of designing your physical spaces and policies around what you assume will allow your team to best manage and deploy their mental bandwidth. Rather than assuming, ask your team how you can help them be most effective. Allow your teams to experiment and find what works for them, and use the end result as the benchmark for success.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

#mental bandwidth #bandwidth #cognitive capacity #executive control #time management #scarcity #mental stress #internal disruptions #unrealised need #attention #stress #preoccupation #worry #anxiety #exhaustion #forgetfulness

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misstincu · 4 years

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How to be your own person

At 27 years old, most people perceive me as unapologetic, bold, a warrior fighting for what is right, fair, honest and inspirational. Which is kind of accurate [insert modesty here], but it’s important to note that I’m not all these things simultaneously. Sometimes I’m just too busy overthinking myself to death, having meltdowns and self-sabotaging whilst still being a nice person [yes, I can multitask that way 😂]. To understand where I’m coming from and what “qualifies” me to tell you how to be your own person, here’s a glimpse into the worst parts of myself from ten years ago:

I worked hard to improve and change, because I was sick and tired of all the unecessary unpleasantness I was allowing myself to live in. I do hope that you’re not imagining that I managed to achieve this by sheer will. On the contrary, it was more a mix of taking chances, trying things outside of my comfort zone and seeking to surround myself with people that see my value, respect me and support me without kissing my ass to obtain something from me 💅. Of course, I derailed from this “master plan” of becoming my own person on a few occasions because my auto pilot was strong - if I wouldn’t pay attention to something for a little while, I was instantly switching back to my old ways because it was easier and more comfortable. Right now I’d say I’ve come pretty far, and I’m proud of what I achieved, but I didn’t do it alone - it’s the result of many people giving me a hand, helping me in times of need or giving me a chance when no one else would.

I think becoming who you are and maintaining it is a lifelong process, and something we always need to pay attention to and work on it, because as I said - it doesn’t take much to revert to your unhealthy old ways. Here’s where I am now:

Most of the above ideals are not a 5 minute job, it takes years to get there and it won’t be easy - but it’s all worth it, I can promise you that. And just because I changed, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still doubt myself at times, or fall back a little into my old ways at times. It just means that I make a conscious effort daily to stay true to myself and not compromise my wellbeing for anyone.

Without further ado, here are my tips on how to be your own person:

Always have your own best interest at heart

If you’re like me, it’s difficult to constantly have your defences up and think of yourself 24/7. So having your own best interest at heart is also aided by building healthy relationships with those around you, choosing a work environment where you can be yourself and not having to walk all over your values often and reducing contact with toxic people that you can’t just remove from your life (such as family or old friends). Seeking what’s best for you is not always easy or obvious, but a way to do this could be reflecting on what you don’t want, that way it will get a little easier to follow what you want for yourself. In order to have your own best interest at heart, you’ll need to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Be selective of the people you surround yourself with, the situations you allow yourself to be part of, the environments where you spend your time. You won’t be able to count on family, friends, significant others and work colleagues to have your best interest at heart because most of them are too busy to chase their own interests. So it’s important for you to do the same.

Voice your opinions

It took me years, years I tell ya, to start voicing my opinions. This is because the environment I grew up in never empowered me to have an opinion in the first place. However, the first step for me was to start voicing my opinions in writing on my first blog back when I was a teenager - that’s where I said the things I didn’t have the courage to say out loud. A few years later, I was forced by University course assignments to start saying what I think. After a while, I managed to start saying what I think at work even if it wasn’t necessarily encouraged to do so. A beneficial factor for me starting to voice my opinion more and become even closer to being the most “my own person” that I’ve ever been - was having a significant other who has my best interest at heart, and empowered me to be my true self. You can find such support in other types of relationships, it doesn’t have to be a significant other. At some point I became tired of my own bullshit - by which means tired of the unsaid things that were imploding inside me and I couldn’t bear it anymore so I started to speak up more - with my family, with my friends, at work, and with friends of friends (I was already voicing my opinions at home, just not so much in public).

The key to voicing your opinions is to just start doing it. Take any little opportunity you get and practice, practice, practice. Lady at the bakery gave you the wrong type of bread? Say it! Your work colleague is a jackass? Say it! Don’t want to go out? Say it! Not being paid enough? Say it! Think of it like this: saying what you think might be uncomfortable for 10 mins, but it passes away. Sucking it up, however, can force you to take a commitment or be in a shitty position that you don’t want for hours, days, years! So 10 minutes of feeling like crap sounds good in hindsight, right?

Set Personal Boundaries

Boundaries are key for maintaining healthy relationships with people and set clear guidelines of how you want, and need, to be treated.

Most people will walk all over you no matter what relationship you have with them - that is, if you let them. It might take you some time to figure out what your boundaries are but rest assured, life experiences will highlight them for you, just pay attention. For example, back in the day I had no clue that when someone’s actions or words made me feel bad about myself and worthless, it actually meant that they crossed my personal boundaries. It won’t always be clear as day that someone is doing this to you, or they might not even realise it, but either way - if as a result you feel like shit it’s time to take action. In a sense, it’s like taking your power and self-worth back from those who are trying to take it away from you.

My personal boundaries, to name a few, resulted from being sick and tired of the following: not respecting me/my work/my time, taking me or my kindness for granted, toxic family ties, ageism, sexism, being unprofessional or unethical. Now, when you feel like you need to set some boundaries with certain people, here are my top three ways of setting boundaries:

Reduce contact with family/old friends when: trying to reinforce inexistent boundaries might not be met with openness or the mental ability to comprehend what you are trying to communicate.

Cut people out of your life when they’re energy vampires/soul sucking friends/lovers: With a lovely touch of toxicity, these people might have been all lovely at first until you got to know them better and vice versa. Now, you just feel like a brainwashed puppet that allows them to suck the life out of you and walk all over you.

Ghosting (not ideal, but necessary sometimes) - when reducing contact or cutting people out of your life doesn’t work, the last option standing is ghosting them. To me, ghosting is not something aligned with my values and ethics. However, I do think it’s necessary for self preservation at times.

Accept your imperfections

There are many things you can change about yourself if you work hard enough. However, there are also many things you can’t change. A few of my imperfections include: taking things personal, being too nice, too obsessed with being professional and doing the right thing, too sensitive, an overthinker with high levels of anxiety. To you, most of these things might not seem like imperfections, but to me they are because these imperfections get my feelings hurt a lot and make me feel stupid and bad about myself. But the good thing is: once you accept and acknowledge your imperfections, it can get better. Not accepting these things about yourself and fighting your own self is just like lying to yourself. And when you lie to yourself, you’re lying to everyone around you - and let me tell you, people will see right through your bullshit. Are you a whiny bitch? Are you a pushover? A passive aggressive person? Embrace it! When you get tired of your own bullshit, the motivation to do something will kick in. Of course, it’s not enough to embrace your imperfections, you have to also figure out how to change the outcome of the situation you dragged yourself into because of the way you are. Set boundaries, remove people from your life if they bring out the worst in you or make you feel bad about yourself. Extract yourself from environments and situations that are toxic for you and it will be easier to accept who you are without these distractions.

Bring out your fashion more

I’m a very visual person in the sense that what I see in the mirror influences my mood. I’m also anxious and don’t exude self confidence 24/7. This is why makeup, the color of my hair, grooming and clothes are a way to express myself and a reminder of who I am (in case I forget, you know). All these serve like armor and war paint before I get out of the house and face the day. No matter how anxious or stressed out I get, on the verge of tears from bottled anger - I know that when I look at myself in a toilet mirror I’ll be reminded that I’m 100% that bitch. There are months when I’m so exhausted and burnt out that I can’t muster the energy to get all glammed up - but I still make sure I have something on me to bring me down to earth. No matter what gender you are, if you are into fashion, hairstyling, make-up or not - there must be something you can wear that makes you feel pretty damn awesome about yourself.

Get to know yourself better

You don’t get up one morning and discover that you found out everything about yourself. Oh, no! This is a lifelong project. However, there are many ways you can find out the good and the bad things about yourself - introspection, analysing what you are good and bad at, hearing what people who see through your bullshit say, reviews of your work etc. Sure, it’s nice when people compliment you, and it hurts when they criticize you. But I think we are not 100% the way we see ourselves, nor how others see us. When people comment, there is always a little of them projecting their qualities or imperfections on you and subjectivity involved. In my opinion, the truth is somewhere in the middle. As long as you keep yourself grounded and not underestimate yourself or go full on hubris - you’ll get a pretty good sense of who you are at this point of your life.

Love and trust yourself

When I had zero self-confidence, I thought this idea was utter bullshit. Are you saying I am not a worthless piece of crap without talent like my step mother told me I am? Get outta here!

For years I had moments where I thought “that’s it! From this moment on, I love myself, I trust myself, I am confident” and bam! 2 hours later I still wasn’t any of these things. Because it’s not a decision you make on the spot, it’s a chain of actions, of setting boundaries and having experiences that teach you to stand up for yourself that get you to the level of wisdom that enables you to start loving, trusting, respecting and believing in yourself. For years, I let my power in the hands of others. I let others decide if I am worthy of respect, of trust, of being loved, of being trusted. But if you don’t feel or believe these things about yourself, why would others? In my case, I realised that I have to find my worth in other places. Not in the opinion of others, not in my skills and the results of my hard work - but in my own damn self.

After many failures and getting to the point where it affected my mental health and wellbeing, I realised that actually I do know my shit, I do have a lot of potential, I do deserve a good salary. Actions speak louder than words - and it will take a long time for you to start feeling this way about yourself - so until then, you can just act and present yourself in a manner that shows that you know what you can do, you have an idea of who you are and what you can do. Yes, a little “fake it until you make it” attitude can help you. Other people’s mean comments will still hurt - but deep inside, you will know the truth. When they go low, you go high. And slowly but surely, you will take your power back.

Learn to say NO

It might sound like it’s easy to say NO, but in reality, it can be a hard thing to do especially if you’re not used to it. Looking back, it’s astonishing to me on how many occasions I would have been better off if I would have been honest and said NO. This skill is detrimental for your survival and wellbeing, because sometimes you’ll have to put your foot down and say NO. Agreeing to every request might be easier in the moment, but you know you’ll hate yourself afterwards for juggling a million things with no time for yourself just because you couldn’t say one damn word - NO! In your head, this could come off as uncaring or selfish because it means letting some people down, causing them to dislike you for it or be criticized. There is however an upside to this: you’ll gain some respect for yourself and set some boundaries. Just because you made a commitment in the heat of the moment, it doesn’t mean you need to actually follow it through. You can change your mind and graciously remove yourself from the commitment you made - if you also add a little heartfelt honesty in there most people will appreciate it. As I’m a recovering pushover and YES woman, I still don’t master saying NO but I work on it every chance I get. When I’m not caught off guard, I say “I’ll think about it and get back to you”. If however I am taken by surprise, I might agree on the spot and decline later when I realize that I actually don’t want to do something or I can’t because I have no time for it.

Sometimes I still go ahead with things I don’t want to do because I want to help others or get outside my comfort zone - but that is something that I am willing to take responsibility for. No matter why you decide to not say NO, make sure you are at peace with this compromise, for the right reasons.

Understand your values and stand by them

You see, I understand my values and I stand by them as much as possible. But the reality is, there will be times when you’ll need to compromise a little. I mostly experienced this on a professional level. Values are in essence rules of conduct you live by - but there will be situations with some people where you will never win. In your personal life it’s slightly easier because you can cut people out of your life, reduce contact with them or ghost them. But at work you might be forced to collaborate with people that make your life a living hell - passive aggressive, selfish, ego-centered assholes, “cult leaders”, people that do the bare minimum and don’t care how it affects others. So it’s important to stand by who you are whilst still being able to adapt to working with toxic people that won’t give a shit about your values and boundaries - yay! Welcome to adulthood.

Don’t be selfish and ego-centered

Newsflash! Not everything is about you! It’s ok to be selfish and ego-centered when it comes to your self-preservation and wellbeing, as long as you don’t shove this down everyone’s throat. These traits come off in a negative light when you can’t have a proper conversation with someone because they make any topic about themselves and their experiences 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, I too talk about myself with people but it’s one thing to share a story and another to not even listen to what people are saying and constantly wait for a cue to talk about yourself. I think this occurs when you have no life outside school or work - and I’ve been this person, not gonna lie. The funny thing is that I had zero confidence in myself but still came off as a selfish ego-centered bitch based on this behaviour. So try not to be selfish and ego-centered to the point where no one wants to ever talk to you again.

Conclusion

Becoming your own person takes a lot of work, resources and time. However, it’s one of the best investments in yourself that you can ever make. It not only improves your life both on a personal and professional level, but it opens doors to new friendships and new opportunities. Remember: staying true to yourself is a journey, not a destination. Have a great trip! ✨

#mental health #howtoguide #being yourself

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ashevilleinjurylawyer-blog1 · 4 years

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Parenthood can now and then feel secluding, particularly in the event that you don't have a mother clan to go to. It could be anything but difficult to fall into the snare of reasoning only you're, since you feel alone, especially in the event that you've chosen to take a break from your profession and are presently finding that your day by day social circle is really without different grown-ups.

Luckily, there are a lot of assets for any mother with a web association out there. We're discussing baby online journals and mother sites, which mean to associate with you by being applicable and honest. Ordinarily, mother bloggers online will end up turning out to be companions IRL, and through these sites another network is shaped. Also, regardless of whether you don't feel alone, after crafted by a mother blogger can in any case advantage you by giving accommodating and engaging peruses. What do you have to lose?

22 Best Mom Blogs

Inspired by mother blogging yourself, or basically searching for increasingly relatable material to add to your bookmarks list? Look at these 22 astonishing child rearing web journals for motivation and a few snickers.

1. Protective

Including genuine records from mothers, this site is involved pieces that are instructive and furthermore too relatable. A portion of my top choices incorporate "While you were resting: I watched you change into a baby" and "A letter to my girl concerning why I returned to work."

2. Prattle

This mainstream site is controlled by none other than Disney. It highlights articles by contributing writers about a scope of family subjects, including pregnancy, child rearing, amusement, and plans.

3. mom.me

A site planned by mothers for mother, it's a spot for you "as a mother, and you as a lady, as well," including articles by guardians who have children in various life stages.

4. Baby Boy Bakery

I previously found Jacqui's blog directly after the terrible going of her child, Ryan, to whom the blog is presently committed. She expounds on adapting to his misfortune; life and love with her better half and girl; and her child cordial plans.

Organizations WOMEN LOVE

Enchantment Leap is procuring

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5. Startling Mommy

This child rearing site is a self-depicted "lively network of a great many guardians, united by a typical topic: Parenting doesn't need to be great." Expect to discover some comedic pearls on here!

6. Momastery

This blog — composed by expansion survivor, mother of three, and persuasive speaker Glennon Doyle Melton — is as inspirational as it is contacting. In case you're needing some jolt of energy point of view, this is the place you'll see it. Melton is viewed as a sovereign of the mama blogger world, and her top of the line diary was an Oprah's Book Club read.

7. Lucie's List

Charged as a "survival reference for new mothers," the site is a genuine reference book of first-time mom information and tips, including deets on pregnancy, baby item audits, and that's just the beginning.

8. Pregnant Chicken

As the title would maybe demonstrate, this blog has a comical bend to it. In case you're in the mind-set for lighter perusing material that is as yet educational and relatable, look no further. You can appreciate many, numerous classes of substance here, as "Asshattery," "Unnerving Shit Series," and a proven mother top choice, "Is It Safe?"

9. Snapshots of Musing

Bold fitting — this present one's my blog! It's an assortment of my thoughts as a spouse, mother and that's just the beginning. It's my expectation that through association and joint effort, this space will assist with encouraging the strengthening of ladies and mothers.

10. Romy and The Bunnies

Named after the originator's girl, this blog is extraordinary for stylishly slanted perusers. Expect loads of charming style spreads, interviews with mothers in the design business, and return photographs of chic big name mothers, as Audrey Hepburn, with their kids.

11. Tear + Tan

The style planner Jenni Kayne made this blog, named after little girl Ripley and child Tanner, to narrative the everyday goings on of her family's California way of life. Also, the entire family (counting their mutts, Chachi and The Dude) is evident uber cool.

12. A Cup of Jo

Established by previous magazine editorial manager and current columnist and mother Joanna Goddard, this current one's both tastefully and mentally captivating. Make certain to look at her parenthood around the globe arrangement, which dives into the child rearing acts of different nations and is particularly intriguing from a worldwide ladies' privileges viewpoint.

13. Settling Story

Is it true that you are a mother to twins? You'll unquestionably need to make a beeline for Joanna Venditti's blog. The mother of four is known for telling it to perusers as is it — remembering for a post-pregnancy body certainty blog entry that became famous online. From analyzing her cesarean and vaginal conveyances, to evaluating fun play-date thoughts, she shares everything.

14. Unfenced Kids

This blog ought to be required perusing for helicopter guardians. Lenore Skenazy began her blog in 2008 as an asset for killjoy 'rents to enable them "to bring up sheltered, independent kids (without going crazy with stress)." Thanks to its inexorably applicable topic, Skenazy's blog have since been highlighted on "The Daily Show" and "The View," just as in The New York Times and The New Yorker.

15. Rockin' Mama

Charged as a "way of life asset for the cutting edge mother," Caryn Bailey has been blogging about child rearing, plans, travel, and innovative exercises to attempt with your children since '07. Bailey's blog is really only a ton of fun, and you'll unquestionably leave with a couple of thoughts you need to give a shot with your family.

16. Well informed Mama

This is an incredible asset for any mother who's stressed over the effect innovation has on their youngsters' life. Leticia Barr's famous blog includes a ton of supported substance, yet in case you're willing to filter through that, you'll find certifiable item surveys, internet based life know-how, and bunches of tips for best screentime rehearses in your family.

17. Y Travel

Australian couple Caz and Craig Makepeace (extremely, those are their names) co-made this blog to share their energy for voyaging — and their profound conviction that experience looking for doesn't need to end when you have children. The Makespeaces travel with their two self-taught little girls everywhere throughout the world, and their rousing web journal and Instagram feed will give you genuine FOMO (or thoughts for your next excursion).

18. Love Taza

Naomi, additionally know as Taza, shares undertakings from her existence with her significant other and three children in New York City. The blog handles subjects, for example, parenthood, family life, travel, nourishment, and "life's straightforward delights."

19. Reclassifying Mom

Mother business visionaries should look at this blog for assets on building their own organizations. Monica, who began the blog as an approach to interface with other ladies who were battling with their work-life balance, offer counsel on both blogging and parenthood and offers her own work and family encounters.

20. Family Focus Blog

Make by Nashville mother, Scarlet Paolicchi, this blog is an asset for families, child rearing, family exercises, suppers, travel, and home stylistic theme. Red offers plans, make thoughts, and exercises to do with the children, just as tips for developing your own wellbeing and way of life.

21. Mother Blog Society

Including assessments of ladies and men from around the globe, Mom Blog Society gathers legitimate surveys of items and administrations and articles to help guardians.

22. Soule Mama

Mother of five Amanda Blake Soule expounds on her family life living in an old farmhouse in Western Maine, where she and her family raise animals, develop vegetables, and "make loads of things."

Jackie is the proprietor of her blog Moments of Musing, where she expounds on her life as a spouse, mother, and all the more living in New York City. She works with overcomers of personal accomplice viciousness.

Try not to pass up articles like these. Join!

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eabhaalynn · 5 years

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Your Local A-Level Survival Guide

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

It probably means you’re doing a-levels. That is… unfortunate.

Everyone has a different experience of their a-level years. For me, they were the most enjoyable two years of my school career. I found some of the best friends in the world and honestly learned so much, both in and out of school. However even I have to say that the exams were the WORST. There were too many tears, tantrums and existential crisis’ to count.

And yet, I survived them. And I have so many friends who survived them too. And if I can get through them in one piece, anyone can.

So; here’s a little advice on how to survive the stresses of sixth form, both in school and out, and maybe even get a few a-levels along the way. I’ve split them into revision tips, school life and social life because this post is a fairly hefty read. (sorry again!)

STU(DYING)

1. Make notes as you go along.

You will LOVE yourself for this in June. A-Level content isn’t anything close to GCSE content, and you simply will not have time to start writing notes and learn them all around exam time.

Try to keep within a day of your class with your own notes and if you fall behind during the week, try to get caught up that weekend.

Find a note-taking style that fits how you learn. I personally realised in my upper sixth year – just a tiny bit late - that I loved making and learning off of summary posters. Trying out different ways of note taking will do no harm.

2. Ask if you need help

Your teachers and friends are all on your side. You are not a burden for asking them to explain an idea to you again, or to reword something. Your teachers are literally being paid to help you, and your mates are in exactly the same position you are. Ask them for help if you need it, because a-levels really are very hard – and they only get harder if you try to go it alone.

3. Find somewhere you can bare to study in

In school, if you have a choice of study rooms, spend your free time in ones you like – okay, maybe tolerate – being in. At GCSE we only had one study and I hated it, but at A-Level I had the choice of two, with a definite favourite, and it really makes the difference.

Make friends with your study supervisors, they have the power to make or break your a-level years.

At home, study where you’re comfortable. But not too comfortable. Your leavers hoodie will become your wearable hug over study leave and I also highly recommend investing in comfy tracksuit bottoms. You get used to looking like a tent most of the time

My favourite places to study were the public library and various coffee shops around the town I studied in. They were less strict than school, but still required more discipline than trying to study in my bedroom. Just try not to develop a caffeine dependency over the next two years because I certainly did.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

You are not your friends. You are different people, you probably have different ways of making your tea, and you almost certainly will have different ways of studying.

I remember around repeat season seeing my friend sit and do a booklet of twelve past papers all day. To her credit, she did them all. I, on the other hand, did a total of one past paper over three repeat exams. We put the same hours in. We got the same grades in the end.

Other peoples work doesn't invalidate your own. Everyone is working with their own skills and capabilities.

5. Repeat everything you need to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with repeating modules in upper sixth. There’s also absolutely nothing wrong with repeating upper or lower sixth.

The extended exam period (seven (!!) weeks) is awful; it is genuinely very difficult to avoid burnout, but your understanding of modules is so much better second time around and repeats almost always pay off.

You will meet a whole new group of friends through repeating modules, purely because it is so difficult that you have no choice but to cling on to the people that are going through it with you

6. Don’t do an unnecessary hard one

All A-Levels are hard. Some a-levels (chemistry and biology for me, also twitter tells me further maths) are very hard. Unless your Uni course requires those traditional, exceptionally hard subjects, don’t do them.

Pick your subjects around your interests, because your whole life is going to revolve around them for two years. Two years of interesting impossible exams beat two years of boring impossible exams any day.

No matter how much you love that fourth subject, don’t take it – and don’t keep it on – unless you absolutely have to. Your grades may suffer, your already limited free time will suffer, and there are very few cases where you will ever need it. I loved AS History with every fibre of my being, but for my course I didn’t need four subjects past AS and so it would have been unsustainable and unnecessary to keep on yet another academically challenging subject

7. Make use of the resources available to you.

Ask your older friends for their notes, borrow and buy textbooks, read relevant articles online.

My school was especially good for this, if you like making notes on a certain kind of paper (like A3 or squared for example) ask your teachers to get you some.

Use the free printing credits your school gives you! The internet is full of additional notes and papers and worksheets that are free and quite literally a click away.

SKOOL LIFE

1. You are the most important

No a-level is more important than you and your wellbeing. Take care of your mental and physical health throughout your studies. Nothing in this world is more important than that.

If you are suffering, tell someone! A-Levels can feel so lonely and sixth form can be a very high-pressure environment, but every adult in your school has a duty of care over you, and there is always someone to help you through it all; be it a friend, family member, teacher or youth worker.

2. Be nice!

- Schools are inherently toxic environments. Everyone is loaded with hormones and there are few things in this world scarier than a building full of stressed teenagers.Be nice to everyone you come across, no one loves a levels and most will really struggle through them. You only ever know a tiny bit of what is going on in someones life, so do try not to make anyone’s life any harder.

3. Take every opportunity that comes to you

- Take part in any extra curricular you can. You probably will learn more from them than you do in class, and you get the chance to make friends with people you’d never come across otherwise. I did debate, public speaking and the rotary award during my sixth form, and they all helped me so much to develop the soft skills and time management that eventually got me into my degree.

4. Set aside time for careers/admin

- It might not be a-level important, but you’ll find yourself with a lot of sorting out of your life to do throughout sixth form – especially if you’re applying to medicine or similar courses that require multi-step application processes.

5. There’s no right or wrong way to do sixth form

- A-Levels aren’t a one-way street. You may have to change subjects, you may have to take time out, you may end up sitting your courses at two different schools, over one or two or three years, and that is all okay. No matter what way you do it, you’re doing alright.

6. UCAS will ruin your life.

- UCAS is the sixth form version of the wee guy on the bus who would pick on you incessantly, and even though he was never that important, he’d always be there and never do anything worthwhile for your life.

- It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it is another thing to worry about, when you really don’t need it to be.

- Try to keep on top of it and get your application over with early. The emails from track will keep giving you the fear forever, even after you’ve had 3 straight up rejections, missed an offer, declined two different offers and confirmed your place.

SOCIAL LIFE (trust me it does exist)

1. Balance is everything

It is not normal to have your life be so centred around one place as much as it is during a-levels. As well as this, being 16 – 18 is literally the best time to be alive and make memories in your whole life. Spend lots of time on schoolwork, but not all of it.

2. You’re not going out too much

You work so unbelievably hard all week. You do deserve to go out sometimes.

My upper sixth was framed by panicking and feeling wracked with guilt every time I left my house or went on any night out. This is no way to feel There is more to life than a-levels and upper sixth is the last time in your life where all your school mates will be all together all the time. Make the most of it! (Just, also make notes)

3. Take a day off

Like literally, take a day off a week

I took Sundays off schoolwork in upper sixth, when I usually worked in the afternoon, had the morning to myself and the evening as a time to rest. This will keep you sane.

4. Make time for the friends you don’t see everyday

You won’t have a lot of free time, but if you make a conscious effort to see your far away friends every couple of weeks it always gives you something to look forward to.

5. Don’t give in to peer pressure

I promise it is so much fun to go out and not drink excessively. Don’t do hard drugs, don’t drink more than you can handle, especially not over term time. It’s just not worth it. Showing up to school hungover is not a good look, or any fun at all – no matter what your mates say. A-Levels are a stressful enough two years without losing all this extra time to hangovers and come downs.

6. Make good habits

If you have a spare evening during the week, go for a walk. Take the bus and walk one day a week instead of driving. Maybe even join a gym. As well as a distraction, exercise and a generally healthy lifestyle will get your endorphins flowing and you will notice a huge difference to your stress levels within a few weeks.

You’re going to need comfort food – trust me on that one. But if you’re going to substitute a healthy lunch for a chicken box and squashies, at least have a banana for breakfast. And never skip breakfast, it will make you a hangry, hanxious, horrible person.

Congratulations! You made it to the end. I really hope you’ve found at least some of this advice helpful, and that you get through sixth form with all of your sanity intact.

(I’d like to thank Julia Anusiak, Alexandra Rosbotham, Aoife Donaghy, Maeve Denver, Gabrielle Carland, Caitriona Fitzpatrick, Grace Craig and Jack Worrall for their contributions to this blog post)

#study #a level chemistry #a level #a level exams #study tips

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where-dreamers-go · 5 years

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“Our Place” Loki x Reader

Time specifically for yourself was a rarity to possession. Hard to even think of a moment long enough or one where you were truly able to relax. Alone. Away from the busyness that your life had been consumed by.

A breath of fresh air and the universe had granted you, finally, a spare moment to yourself. One long enough to travel to a safe place where no one knew to follow.

One small portal later and you were flooded with memories. This small oasis for your own sanity and wellbeing. A place where you could be yourself without rude interruptions or poor excuses to keep up a public facade.

You swallowed back a lump in your throat as your eyes surveyed the area. Colors were dull and light was scarce. Nothing was out of place from where you left it last. Every bit of furniture and random item sat unmoved.

The soles of your boots made small sounds across the floor as you were slowly walking through a room you had not seen in many years. With a soft smile on your lips, you let your fingers roam over the lounge piece.

You frowned. It should had been coated with dust. Layers at least. Yet even the air within the room wasn’t as stuffy as you expected as if it had been aired out recently.

A shiver went across your arms.

Only two people knew about this place. The same two were the only beings to step foot inside. You were one.

Clink

There was then a shuffling of fabric, perhaps paper heard from another room.

You crouched down behind the furniture, out of sight. Keeping your breath quiet, you reached into one of your boots to retrieve a dagger. There were many dangerous beings moving about the universe lately, you could never be too careful.

How long were you gone that someone else could had found this quiet place? Weren’t there precautions taken to prevent such a thing?

The steps were slow, not stealthy and completely unaware to your presence perhaps. Hopefully.

With a twist, a flick of your wrist, and a release, you sent the dagger towards the figure. Just as soon as it left your grasp and into the air, you heard it clatter across the floor. Many paces away from your target.

You cursed mentally.

“(Y/N)?” A voice called.

Your shoulders slouched. With a sudden racing heart, you stood up from your hiding spot.

Recognition hit you instantly.

“Loki.”

You both rushed around the few pieces furniture to reach each other. In no time you were hugging without a second thought. Tension being released from your muscles that you hadn’t known was there. Oh, how you’d missed being in his arms, the sound of his voice, the raw emotions shown through his eyes.

You pulled back enough to see one another clearly, his hands remaining on your sides.

“What are you doing here?” You asked quickly, hands grasping the collar of his tunic.

“Me? I come here whenever I can spare, which granted isn’t much.” Loki’s eyes continuously looked you over. “It feels as if I haven’t seen you in over a century.”

“Then it might as well have been two centuries. I’ve missed you.”

“And I have missed you. So dearly. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be...busy?”

You took in a shaky breath, “I’ve heard so many things. What’s been happening. Your name comes up every so often. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be there for you. It’s just that I--”

“It’s alright. You shouldn’t--...no. Trust me, (Y/N), you would not have wanted to be involved in anything in Asgard or Midgard in the past ten years.”

“That bad then?”

“Yes. That bad.” He nodded before his expression softened again, relishing in your company.

Steadily and soothingly, the tips of your fingers traced along his jawline. In the time you had been parted even his features had matured more, it made you the more relieved he had managed to survive the chaos thus far.

“I didn’t think that I would be lucky enough to see you again. There were always those terrible rumors spread about Asgard. Of course those always had to wind up filling my ears until I swarmed myself in studies to escape them.”

“Did you ever belief them?” Loki inquired.

“The ones about you? Hardly,” you scoffed before reeling back and gnawing on your bottom lip. “Some yes, but others seemed much to absurd or frightening. I only wanted to think the best of you.”

“You, my dear, are probably the only being capable of maintaining such a bounteous amount of kindness in them.”

You poked his earlobe with a fingertip, “I could always be kinder.”

“Perhaps, but you deserve just as much as you give. ...I’ve been trying to keep the place--our place clean...and keep it as well kept as I can in any hope that you would return. Return to me.” He swallowed. “And in hope that you would not think ill of me. Of everything I have done. Of what I didn’t do.”

“I could never be upset with what you have not done, Loki. Some things are even out of your power.”

“Yes, but I don’t understand why you still look at me the same way you did,” he swallowed again, “Why did you come back? Where have you been?”

“I’ve been busy helping others, learning. You know that.”

Bending forward, he rested his forehead to yours and let out a single breath, “I know.”

“And that doesn’t mean I think of you any less nor feel any less.” You pushed some of his raven hair behind his ear. “My feelings have only grown. That’s why I have come back.”

Loki’s eyes filled with unshed tears and his fingers curled tighter where he held you.

“Still?”

“Still. Only more so. My love for you has never ceased nor lessened.”

Loki had no control over the smile that spread across his lips as he immediately tucked his face into the crook of your neck. Safe, loved, and secure.

You embraced him once again, one hand fiddling with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck and the other around his shoulders. Your heart swelled with both the adoration and affections shared between you both.

“How can I possibly deserve you?”

Looking into his eyes adoringly, you answered, “Because you are worthy of love. No doubts. No questions. Simple as that.”

He kissed your cheek before nudging his nose to yours with a low hum in his throat.

The contentment shared between you only strengthened. The happiness, love, and thrill of being close again. To feel the other present and in the moment. Even the years apart could not truly separate your heart from Loki’s. Apparently nothing could take him away from your life in any event. Two energies pulled to one another, faster with less distance. Silent questions lead to quiet answers. Soft smiles turned into tender kisses.

You savored every millisecond your lips were paired with his. Dancing, meeting, loving, and exploring the newness and familiarity.

“Although I must say that your knife throwing has drastically improved. You almost had me.”

He was teasing, but proud and you knew by the wide smirk on his lips.

“What about now?” You inquired.

“I think I should have laid out a pile of pillows and brought your favorite foods.”

~~~~

(A/N: I hope you enjoyed this rather fluffy Loki x Reader. :)

If you love my writings and want to support me, I have a Ko-Fi where you can buy me a coffee. I would be eternally grateful.

ko-fi.com/C0C4FW6I

Best wishes.)

#marvel #loki #loki odinson #Loki Laufeyson #loki x reader #loki insert reader #insert reader #fluffy #disney #Happy Birthday to the precious human being who brought Loki to life #xreader #where dreamers go

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dentistgalleria1-blog · 5 years

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What is Slumber Apnea?

Sleep Apnea Dentist Houston

Snooze Apnea: An outline

What is Snooze Apnea?

Snooze Apnea is usually a frequent nighttime breathing dysfunction that affects more than 15 million Americans. Rest apnea affects women and men of any age; even small children can have problems with slumber apnea. Without having procedure, residing along with the disorder might cause significant complications which include daytime sleepiness, amplified hazard of coronary heart attack and stroke, temper issues and inadequate daytime operate. Plenty of people who may have snooze apnea usually do not understand that they provide the ailment; despite the fact that their sleep is usually interrupted in the course of the night. People struggling from sleep apnea will wake usually by out the night time due to their oxygen getting limited or wholly reduce off. When apnea victims awaken, ordinary respiration is restored; nevertheless, they are doing not enter a condition of finish wakefulness. The apneic gatherings can go on unnoticed due to the fact victims tend not to totally awake or recognize they can be waking however out the night. With sleep apnea, respiratory may briefly cease or grow to be shallow many occasions in the course of a night's sleep.

Houston Sleep Apnea Dentist

A frequently documented symptom related to slumber apnea is daytime sleepiness, some instances staying so severe folks have noted drifting off at operate or although driving. Other frequent problems consist of not enough focus and lousy mental agility which can bring on bad performance at perform and an unfulfilling life. In Greek, "apnea" indicates "with out breath". You will discover two styles of Slumber Apnea, Obstructive Snooze Apnea (OSA), that's the commonest, and Central Sleep Apnea.

The cause of Obstructive Snooze Apnea takes place once the air passage for the back again on the throat results in being blocked. When muscle mass while in the throat unwind, this results in the taste bud to take it easy as well, which then narrows the airway. This similar system of functions also will cause loud night breathing, even though, not all persons who snore have obstructive slumber apnea. As a person breathes in through the mouth or nose, the airway narrows further more or fully closes and cuts breath small. The airflow restriction will cause a gasping feeling, which prompts a duration of shallow wakefulness. When partly awake, typical breathing is restored. This persistent blockage from the airway can come about many times an hour, replaying the system of events as a result of out the evening, producing a fragmented evening of snooze.

Central Snooze Apnea happens when your brain fails to send impulses to your body to breath. Central Slumber Apnea will take its identify within the Central Nervous Procedure, which regulates the body's necessary capabilities. This instability in the brain's respiratory manage heart may have quite a few causes, the most typical staying central nervous procedure dysfunctions or men and women who may have experienced a stroke. Individuals who are suffering from heart failure or other coronary heart and lung ailments can also develop Central Sleep Apnea.

Who apnea influences...

Obstructive Rest Apnea can have an affect on men and women, at any age, and perhaps little ones can establish snooze apnea. Adult men are at better danger. The risk boosts when you are about pounds and in excess of forty a long time of age. Other chance factors involve a significant neck dimension; seventeen inches or higher for men or sixteen inches or increased for girls. Significant tonsils or even a large amount of tissue within the again of the throat might cause greater blockage and higher risk too. Obstructive Snooze Apnea can run in households, suggesting that there may be a genetic element.

How apnea impacts the body and thoughts...

There are numerous distinct results slumber apnea can have on you, each bodily and mentally, ranging from mildly irritating to lifetime threatening. One particular effect is extreme daytime sleepiness. Most people will not realize if they drift off to get a instant or two, nevertheless the consequences may be devastating. Sufferers might notice they've got a challenge concentrating and an increase in forgetfulness or hassle studying new points. Many of these signs of snooze apnea could be baffled with symptoms of melancholy for the reason that they can be so very similar; temperament adjustments, irritability, temper swings, memory difficulties, sensation lethargic and perhaps even feeling frustrated are some on the shared similarities.

Indicators and Signs...

A standard sign of obstructive slumber apnea is really a sore or dry throat during the early morning on waking. Usually people with apnea will wake a number of occasions during the night time, from time to time by their own individual loud night breathing, or from a choking or gasping feeling caused by their airway becoming blocked. These wakeful periods in the course of the night interrupt their slumber and lead to daytime sleepiness, and that is a different effectively documented symptom. Various other signs or symptoms could be noticed; this sort of as forgetfulness, mood alterations, head aches or even a reduced sex travel. People with central sleep apnea may possibly knowledge many of the identical signs or symptoms as individuals with obstructive rest apnea.

How could it be diagnosed?

Merely a health care professional can diagnose Rest Apnea. If you're suspicious you may have sleep apnea or experience the common symptoms, see your health care supplier. Your wellbeing treatment company might suggest which you possess a slumber take a look at carried out to ascertain the cause of your symptoms; the take a look at commonly includes a polysomnogram or a Multiple Sleep Latency Exam. A polysomnogram will electrically keep track of your coronary heart rate, respiration and muscle action in the course of a night of slumber. A slumber professional and your health and fitness care company will examine the digital information developed. A Various Sleep Latency Take a look at (MSLT) will simply just measure how long it will take you to fall asleep or in case you are apt to fall asleep when you would ordinarily be awake. If sleep apnea is found during the slumber review, you might be asked again for even further testing to detect the most ideal treatment method.

What to anticipate...

Sleep checks are typically carried out at rest facilities or hospitals. If you arrive, you may use a non-public place, which may be decorated to really feel far more like household than a professional medical facility. Some hospitals or facilities assist you to provide your own apparel to slumber in, to advertise rest plus a sense of ease. Your area will probably be close to the monitoring area exactly where the slumber technicians can monitor the knowledge collected via the polysomnograph. If you are able to sleep the experts will connect the monitoring units. Most people have small difficulties sleeping with them on since they encompass a handful of electrodes, a belt to watch your coronary heart price and respiration, and an oximeter equipped over a fingertip to evaluate the oxygen level with your blood.

If your wellbeing care provider dreams you to use a MSLT, it can probably be completed at a sleep center or medical center at the same time. The test is completed to measure the amount of time it will require for yourself to attain slumber, or to determine for anyone who is predisposed to fall asleep any time you really should be completely awake. A rest technologist will video clip tape you as you sleep to document your movements over the night time or to note the amount of instances you drift off for the duration of your typical waking hrs.

What can be achieved?

There are actually a number of various treatment method alternatives for sleep apnea starting from conservative remedy to major operation.

The most common remedy is Continuous Favourable Airway Pressure (CPAP). A CPAP equipment is composed of a specifically equipped mask that covers your mouth and/or nose while you sleep. The machine delivers a steady move of air into your nostrils. The pressurized air flowing into your airways promotes open up airways so respiration is not impaired when you slumber.

A number of people with obstructive rest apnea uncover their cure with dental devices. These appliances are specially made to retain airways open up through sleep. Dentists that have a specialty working with obstructive snooze apnea, customise the devices for that wearer.

Surgical treatment can be a remedy alternative for apnea too. Surgical possibilities often involve processes that attempt to boost the diameter in the upper airway.

Folks with snooze apnea may possibly be instructed to produce life-style adjustments. Some tips may well involve fat reduction to reduce constriction from the throat. Avoidance of liquor, over-the-counter sedatives along with other unwanted sedating brokers can also be advisable, as these may perhaps additional rest the muscles with the back of the throat.

What to do?

See your health care provider for an evaluation for those who think that you're dealing with the signs and symptoms talked about over like daytime sleepiness, loud night breathing and gasping, early morning head aches, or waking through out the evening. Merely a properly trained overall health treatment service provider can diagnose sleep apnea. Your wellbeing care supplier will assess your sleep problems and will refer you to a sleep specialist, who has particular training in rest medication. Sleep apnea is usually a severe health-related affliction that may result in other disorders this kind of as high blood pressure, coronary heart assault, irregular heartbeat or stroke so early remedy is fascinating.

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