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matthewkniesys · 1 year

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it was supposed to be a secret but we suck at secret keeping - jack hughes social media au

a/n: an anon requested a jack ig edit where you're cole caufield's little sister and you and jack start dating when you're at the beach house but you keep it a secret. eventually the boys realising you're spending so much time with jack that they start making joke instagram posts that you two are dating but little do they know they're right. so here it is :)

sorry for not having a cut but my pictures wouldn't load properly if i did

pairing: jack hughes x fem!reader

warnings: none i dont think

trevorzegras

Liked by @/ colecaufield, alexturcotte, jamie.drysdale and 80 569 others

trevorzegras - my best friends sister looking extra cozy with my other best friend

Tagged: @/ jackhughes & y/ncaufield

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colecaufield - not funny trev thats my little sister

↳ trevorzegras - i think its very funny

↳ colecaufield - i'll chop your dick off for posting this and if this ever becomes true i'll chop jack's dick off too

↳ trevorzegras - i'm very very sorry it's just a joke please don't chop off my dick

y/ncaufield - well isn't this just hilarious...

↳ jackhughes - its so funny...

↳ y/ncaufield - no it really is and no one understands

↳ trevorzegras - im glad some people enjoy my sense of humor *cough* cole *cough*

↳ colecaufield - im coming to find you right now trevor and i have some scissors

↳ trevorzegras - okay okay im actually very sorry please don't hurt me

alexturcotte

Liked by @/ trevorzegras, jackhughes, y/ncaufield and 65 937 others

alexturcotte - more pictures of y/n and jack...(please don't hurt me cole)

Tagged: @/ y/ncaufield & jackhughes

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colecaufield - this was a bad desicion on your part alex

↳ alexturcotte - oh shit, currently trying to find where trev is hiding from you so i can hide too

y/ncaufield - i looked so hot in that brown bikini and i was just trying to get a nice picture but jack had jump in too... so very rude of him

↳ jackhughes - i stole the show as always

↳ y/ncaufield - yeah you did you little thief

↳ jackhughes - and im the greatest thief ever i mean come on just look at me in that picture...and if we're being honest alex should've just cropped you right out and left just me

↳ y/ncaufield - you are the most insufferable person in the world and my brother is cole caufield so that saying a lot

↳ jackhughes - its okay for you to say that i know you could never really understand my true beauty

_quinnhughes - they're cute

↳ colecaufield - quinn... not you too

lhughes_06

Liked by @/ nicohischier, _quinnhughes, colecaufield and 78 325 others

lhughes_06 - had to add my own pictures since we're doing this

Tagging: @/ jackhughes & y/ncaufield

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colecaufield - i like you luke so i'll let this slide just this once since i know its a joke

↳ trevorzegras - are you saying that you like him more than me and alex??

↳ colecaufield - yes

↳ alexturcotte - jack im so offended

y/ncaufield - if i'd have known how bad at cooking jack was i never would've let him near the stove

↳ jackhughes - don't be a drama queen im not that bad at cooking

↳ y/ncaufield - i mean sure if you like it when the crust of your pizza is so charred that it's fully black and it crumbles into tiny pieces the second you pick it up

trevorzegras - look at me i'm a trend setter

↳ lhughes_06 - you could say that

jackhughes

Liked by @/ trevorzegras, lhughes_06, y/ncaufield and 145 908 others

jackhughes - didn't really have many pictures of me and y/n (that i could post) so just enjoy my appreciation post for her

Tagged: @/ y/ncaufield

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yourbestfriend - hottest caufield sibling not gonna lie

↳ jackhughes - i know right??

↳ y/ncaufield - ...

↳ colecaufield - firstly wrong but secondly JACK WHAT

trevorzegras - y/n > cole

↳ alexturcotte - y/n > cole

↳ colecaufield - cole > y/n

↳ jackhughes - nope the right answer is y/n > cole

colecaufield - jach hughes what the hell do you mean by pictures that you can post... what kind of pictures of my sister do you have??

↳ jackhughes - well um you know

↳ colecaufield - no i really don't please share

↳ jackhughes - i'm just gonna not answer this okay

↳ colecaufield - no actually not okay

y/ncaufield - in my lake house summer era and i love it

y/ncaufield

Liked by @/ jackhughes, colecaufield, trevorzegras and 193 857 others

y/ncaufield - and you all thought it was a joke this whole time (cole please don't come for jack)

Tagged: @/ jackhughes

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jackhughes - my one and only my life line

↳ y/ncaufield - can i go where you go, can we always be this close

↳ jackhughes - forever & always

colecaufield - oh hell no

↳ y/ncaufield - you know i love the brothers best friend trope

↳ colecaufield - didn't know you loved it this much

↳ y/ncaufield - what can i say i guess i do

trevorzegras - I KNEW MY SPIDEY 'S SENSE WERE RIGHT

↳ y/ncaufield - congrats buddy

colecaufield - wait...who took all those pictures for you

↳ y/ncaufield - quinn :)

↳ colecaufield - why the fuck did quinn know before me also it suddenly makes so much sense why you and quinn and jack were going on so many boat rides together

↳ y/ncaufield - he caught me sneaking out of jack's room one morning so he's know for a while

↳ colecaufield - WHY WERE YOU IN JACK'S ROOM OH NO ME AND JACK ARE AT WAR

↳ y/ncaufield - i will always be yours if we survive the great war

↳ jackhughes - your brother is scary i'm not sure i will

thanks for reading🫶requests are always open for fics, blurbs, ig edits and just thoughts!!

taglist: @woodruff-edwards @nicohischierz @makarhughes @cobrakaisb @huggy-hischier94 @boldysswld@cole-mcward48@kashee-h@kjohnson-91 @jackhues @corneliaskates @imma-mirrorball @hvghes @emptyflowerpots @h0e4fictionalme-n

join my taglist

#jack hughes #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes imagine #nhl imagine #fake ig edit #social media au #hockey #nhl #x reader #trevor zegras #cole caufield #alex turcotte #luke hughes #quinn hughes #claire tries writing <3

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gerryrigged · 6 months

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last line challenge

thanks for the tag, @vellaphoria! <3

the last line I wrote:

Dick saw the exact moment that Tim chose chaos.

is from a story mostly in the conceptual stage where Nightwing rescues Tim Wayne and it's caught on camera and blasted everywhere in the news cycle (oops). And then in interviews afterwards, Tim - for SOME REASON - decides to take advantage of this moment to publicly come out as bi. Y'know, just casually. By swooning over his dashing savior, Nightwing. Everyone swoons over Nightwing, right? It's hashtag #relatable, the media can nod in commiseration and then just move on.

Except no. Of course not. It becomes a Thing. The internet ships Nightwing/Tim Wayne. There's memes. There's art.

So of course Tim has to lean into it, he's a troll, it's his nature. Heads up, N, he's just gonna be feeding the flames at every opportunity. You don't mind, do you?

and of course :) Dick is fine :) it's just joke-flirting haha :) Dick is fun and hip and also a troll and can roll with the jokes :) he is not losing his mind at all :) no sir :) once he gets over the shock he's only 80% sure that Tim is deliberately fucking with him so he can't pin him to a wall and teach him a lesson (with his mouth) because of the 20% chance that Tim IS just joking and isn't actually into him (!!!! that was a POSSIBILITY??!!) hahahahaha this is TOTALLY FINE :))))))

I think I've seen most everybody I know tagged in this already :|a so I will just open this up as a general tag to anyone who wants to play <3

#gerryrigged #gerry words #tumblr games #dicktim #no Tim did NOT actually come out to his family before this either 🙃#he thinks he did but he did NOT

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tenjikyu · 5 months

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i hate to bitch about this but it’s gotta be discussed.

why is it so hard to write gn readers. like, i just don’t get it. it just cannot be THAT HARD. (check my blog if you want, i’ve written gn fics and none of them have fem/masc terms in them without even needing to be double checked)

and if you’ve had people complaining to you about it, why do you say you’ll fix the issue when you wont?

it’s completely fine if you wanna write for female readers if you’re gonna fail THAT BADLY at writing gender neutral 😭😭 if you’re most comfortable with using she/her pronouns in a fic then GO WITH IT BABES BC THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO LETS LET YOUR PROPER AUDIENCE ENJOY IT

it’s just annoying when you’ve got a dick between your legs but you’re reading a supposedly gn fic after being referred to as princess,my girl, sister and pretty lady for the 100th time.

there should be no reason to write for a gender neutral audience if you can’t stick to it.

i’m not here to shit on anyone, i’m just saying that if you can’t keep your fics gender neutral then don’t write it. if you can only write for your specific gender then go for it! no shame in struggling to write for the opposite gender! just don’t let other people get annoyed reading your works then get pissed when they’re the ones who you mislead and they point it out.

anyways i came here to bitch bc i was stalking a supposedly gn blog with abt 80% of its content containing STRICTLY fem reader when it wasn’t labeled as such. (i’m not even joking, it was full on anatomy, titles, pronouns and EVERYTHING like there was no holding back on the fem aligned reader LOL)

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honey-milk-depresso · 11 months

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19 Reasons (Tim Drake x Reader)

It’s Tim’s birthday in my timezone, so I’m writing my first ever DC Comic post- yes- fiNALLY-

Summary: You said you wished your turning 19 year old Tim “Happy Womb Escape” by presenting a slideshow titled “19 reasons why I love Tim Drake.”

☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️

“Guess what day it is?”

“19 July?” He didn’t even bat an eye, busy typing away on his computer without a care in the world.

“Seriously? Okay stop working,” you closed his laptop and shove it away to a corner, “you literally forget it’s your birthday today?”

He looks at you nonchalantly before crossing his arms with an eyebrow raised. “Well, it’s not that important?”

You gasped in horror, dramatically rolling up to his chest with your hand pressed to your forehead and the other clutching your heart. “ ‘Not important’? My own boyfriend saying his birthday is ‘not important’? Non!”

He rolled his eyes, playfully and lightly shoving you away as he smirked. You grinned.

“I’m going to show you why it’s important with this slideshow!” You placed your own laptop on his lap, the monitor flashing a slideshow titled “19 Reasons Why I Love Tim Drake”.

“Oh god. This is gonna be fun,” he joked.

“Before that, I would just like to say,” you started, clicking to the next slide, “ ‘Happy Womb Escape’ to you, Drake.”

“Wait wha-”

“Now first reason!” You clicked to the next slide, cutting your baffled vigilante as you cleared your throat to perform your lines.

“Number one! He’s Red Robin, Gotham’s best vigilante out there! Ain’t I ever seen another like him!”

“There’s Bruce, Dick, Jason, Cass, Steph, Lu-”

“STOP- THERE IS NO ONE LIKE YOU!” You groaned in frustration, making Tim chuckle. “Yeah but I’m basically just like them.”

“I ain’t see someone who single-handedly took down the Joker? Obeah Man? Got rid of the booty shorts of Robin? That’s a crime, by the way.” You said it in a “matter-of-fact” way. He snorted.

“Secondly! He’s the most hardworking man I know! But also he needs rest so take notes. Third! He’s the biggest, dorkiest dork on earth who loves machines, science, and he googles the most random things on the internet just to give me a fun fact later on out of the blue!”

“Fourth! His hair is fluffy as hell and it makes him very nice to pat on the head! Fifth! He’s a nerd! And that’s cute! Sixth, Tim is the smartest man I’ve ever met. I bet he could find the last digit of Pi in like 2 seconds in his brain. Seventh!”

Tim smiled warmly, soon becoming smug the more you went on with your points. He looked so proud.

“Seventh, is that he’s a bisexual icon! Enough said. Eighth! He lends me his sweaters and they all smell like him which is the nice part.”

“You stole them, you mean?”

“Shhhh, let the presenter speak. Anyways, ninth! Timmy bringing me to a burger joint on our first date and he didn’t judge me for it. I’ll tell you something I didn’t until now: I was pretty scared you judged me but you didn’t. So thank god.”

“I always judge you, Y/N, it’s alright,” Tim smirked. You looked at him with a frown, not amused. “Yeah, okay never mind, I should take this slide down.”

“Hey!” He said, grinning as wide as you were. “Next! Tenth! He watches over me even when he’s on patrol to make sure I’m safe!”

“You… know? I thought I was pretty well hidden…” he blinked in surprise.

“Tim, you may be a detective and that’s exactly the point. It doesn’t take some of your skills to rub off of me,” again, you said it as a matter-of-fact.

“Eleventh! He’s a skater boy, and he’s my ‘Skater Boi’,” Tim once again snorted, much louder upon understanding that pop culture reference.

“Twelfth, he loves watching old, 80s to 90s cheesy movies and geeks out about them all the time while we’re watching! Don’t ever shut up, by the way. Thirteenth! He always fidgets with his fingers and hands when he’s bored subconsciously! That in itself is adorable.”

“Fourteenth! He’s a terrible cook, but he still tries anyways. It’s also adorable~” He rolled his eyes, folding his arms.

“Wow, I feel so loved.”

“Yesh, and I love you very much as well, Timothy Jackson Drake Wayne,” you teased. He scoffed lightly. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Fifteenth! He is the best cross-dresser. That is all. Sixteenth! HE IS THE WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE! Like he found Waldo every 2 seconds, finished 5 books of him in 1 minute,” you said, doing an amateur explosion side effect by saying “kaploosh” with your hands doing the mind-blown action.

“Again, Bruce and everyone else in my family.”

“Again, there is no one like you, Detective Tim. Seventeenth! Best photographer! Also enough said! Love everything you take, sweetie! Eighteenth! He makes using a metal stick look badass!”

“And lastly! Nineteenth! Drum roll please!” You use your knuckles to lightly drum against the wooden floors. “He’s Tim Drake! What’s not to love?” You smiled. It was so contagious that he found himself smiling as stupid and gleefully as you did.

He had always been insecure of his abilities and himself in general, so he was so flustered and gooey on the inside with how genuine you were with each point. Although, his flustered-ness was showing with pink blooming on his cheeks.

“Okay, guess I understand why my birthday’s important now.”

“Glad you understood my report, Mr Drake!” You smiled at him.

“So now I shall say,” you drum-rolled again, quickly tossing your arms around him and lightly pecked his cheek with a grin.

“I love you, Timothy Jackson Drake Wayne.”

He smiled at you lovingly, cupping your cheek as he gently brushed his thumb against it. “And I love you, too, YF/N L/N. Thanks for your birthday gift.”

You laughed sweetly. “The gift is you, technically~”

☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️

Reblogs help! ^^

#tim drake #tim drake x reader #dc comics x reader #red robin #red robin x reader #batfam #batfamily #happy birthday tim drake #ITS HIS BIRTHDAYYYSJAJDJJF #dc comics fluff #fluff #oneshot #x reader fluff #x reader oneshot #x reader #self insert #gn reader #love this boy💕💕#dc comics

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pollenallergie · 6 months

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thinking about sapphic!chrissy coming out to eddie

she’s confesses to him that she feels trapped in her relationship with jason (not necessarily trapped by jason, but just trapped by her family’s and her peer’s expectations for their relationship) and…

“i feel…. urg!! i just, eddie, i feel like i’m living every day trapped in this… in this lie! because, it’s- it’s a complete lie! i mean, i don’t even like jason! …” chrissy trails off. she furrows her brow in an unintentionally adorable pout before taking another swig of her beer. truthfully, she doesn’t even like beer, but eddie had offered her one when she first showed up at his trailer and, for some reason, she felt like she needed it tonight.

having taken down another swig of liquid courage, chrissy softly continues, almost whispering her next words, “i mean, i don’t even like guys… i like girls. i like women and b-boobs and… other stuff.” she shyly curls into herself as she downs another swig of beer and then begins anxiously gnawing on her lower lip, its still raw from when she’d gnawed it to the point of bleeding as she drove over here.

what she’s just admitted to eddie… well, it’s huge, especially given that she lives in rural Indiana. sure, it’s the 80s, and she’s heard that in places like New York and Chicago, people are starting to become more accepting of that sort of thing. but, here? in Hawkins? no way. that sort of thing can turn even the most loved, popular local into a shunned social pariah; the kind of person that hears people whispering about them everywhere they go (and not in the good way), the kind of person that the local moms won’t trust around their kids. “perverts”, “sinners,” “satanists,” that’s what all the bible thumpers in this town call people like that; people who aren’t straight.

sure, eddie’s the furthest thing from a bible thumping, god-fearing, closed-minded christian, but can chrissy really expect him to be cool about this sort of thing? fuck. no. she’s made a mistake. she has to go. she has to leave. no, what if he tells someone? she has to-

“i mean, hey, i get it, i like boobs and other stuff too,” eddie shrugs, “boobs are nice.” when that doesn’t elicit the giggle that eddie was hoping for, he turns to face chrissy and ducks down to meet her eyes as he reassures her, “we like what we like. ‘s nothing to be ashamed of.” as if he’s reading chrissy’s mind, hearing her inner monologue spiral and ramble on and on about how that is very much something to be ashamed of in this town, eddie adds, “at least not around me, okay? i’m a freak who willingly spends his Fridays playing a roleplaying table top game with a bunch of dorky teenagers, you’re a cheerleader who likes other cheerleaders, we’re both freaks,” eddie jokes before continuing, “but seriously, i’m not gonna judge you as long as you don’t judge me, yeah?”

“yeah,” chrissy replies softly, her voice still shaky and even, and eyes still brimmed with unshed tears. eddie’s words are a nice balm, and they’re helping her feel better, but the evidence of her previous panic can still be clearly seen.

a nice silence settles over the two, but it’s soon interrupted by chrissy softly speaking up, “i um- i don’t like other cheerleaders,” she clarifies. “i mean, i don’t not like them, i just… i like people who are more like you? um- eccentric wo-”

“freaks,” eddie interrupts, though the word is said without malice; he doesn’t need to be ashamed of who he is or what he likes, not in front of someone as kind and genuine and accepting as chrissy. she accepts him for who he is, even though she hasn’t really learned how to accept herself quite yet.

“yeah,” she chuckles, “honestly, if you didn’t have a dick, and you had boobs, then you’d totally be my type.”

eddie laughs, “gee, thanks, chris, i’m honored.”

#sapphic!chrissy cunningham #chrissy cunningham #sapphic chrissy cunningham

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grimmbunniee · 2 years

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I’m sorry but as sweet as is Eddie is he’d be an absolute menace in a relationship.(I’ll probably make a part two😭)

He’d toss you into the lake/pool (only if he knows you can swim tho, but knowing his dumbass he probably found out the hard way you couldn’t swim 😭)

He’d accidentally plan a date on Hellfire night and forgot y’all’s date but don’t worry he’ll make it up too you. (You probably sat down with him and planned around hellfire nights and nights you worked)

He’d definitely burp in your face and proceeded to blow it into your face.

He’d wrestle you out here treating it like a WWE match 😭.

He’s very picky about who touches his hair because unpopular opinion but he takes care of his hair I mean have you seen that mane.

He definitely rewear shirts without washing it

He smells like cigarettes, stale weed, bong water and axe body spray or old spice.

His room probably smells worse. It definitely smells like sweat,piss,bong water,weed,cigarettes and sex

He smacks your ass in public

Also I know his battle vest smells rancid 😭

He also canonically sells ketamine so yeah there’s that but he doesn’t do it only sticks to weed.

You and him definitely overprice weed and other drugs for the rich kids and they fall for it.

He’d definitely find your ticklish spots and abuse them till your kicking at him

He’d call you annoying ass nicknames like “Snookie bear” “Snookums” “Poopsie” “short stack” if you’re short and “sky-high” if y’all are tall(they really don’t have cute nicknames for tall girls 😭) “malady” but not in a discord mod way but in a DnD fantasy nerd way

He’d definitely poke fun at height doesn’t matter if your short, average, or tall.

He’ll go into kiss you and proceed to lick you instead m.

Randomly bite you but with affection tho

Definitely pulls deez nutz jokes(did deez nutz jokes exist in the 80s 🤔)

He’d definitely make sex jokes

This is gonna be a little gross but he’d definitely fart on you or around you.

He’d put you in a headlock and keep you there for a while.

Also he definitely started showering more when getting into relationship with you but mainly because y’all started showering together.

He also can’t cook to save his life the most your getting is mac and cheese or spaghetti-os

Definitely makes fun of your taste in music if you don’t listen to metal (but not in a metal head elitist way)

Definitely says “your mom” jokes

Also definitely says “that’s what she said”

Definitely has punched you on accident(not in like a fight but like y’all were wrestling and he got to into it and well 🤷🏽‍♀️, but he apologized profusely and felt bad and still does)

Is this one NSFW I’m not really sure 😭, but he definitely does the helicopter dick and likes to show it off to you with the goofiest smile on his face “look at what I can do babe😃”

Definitely has almost started a forest fire 💀

Blows up condoms like it’s balloon

He also canonically drives like a manic so he’s definitely ended up with speeding tickets (it’s probably hopper who ends pulling him over) or somehow in a ditch💀

He also can’t fight for shit but still manages to get into fights 😭.

He’s also drama queen and big baby. He’d definitely overdramatize the smallest things y’all do ex: Like you smack him against his chest (very lightly) because he said something stupid and he falls and rolls over acting like he just shot

Also he gets tunnel vision when y’all are in relationship and doesn’t pick up when someone’s flirting with him because the only things on his mind is (in no order) 1) graduating 2) You (mainly you) 3) DnD 4) his guitar 5) weed.

He also burps the abcs and sees how far he can get and burps I love you

Also if guitar hero existed in the 80s he’d get so salty if you scored higher then him (video games in general 😭)

He’s also petty as fuck

Also if you bend over he will hump you 💀

Also he definitely wouldn’t let you sit on his lap when He’s DM and I only say that because he moves around a lot as we saw in episode one but he’d probably have you sit right next to his throne if you don’t play or near him if you do.

If you bake/cook he’d worship the ground you walk on he loves a home cooked meal buts it’s okay if you can’t cook he’d love you regardless

#Eddie Munson #stranger things season 4 #eddie munson x reader #eddiemunson #eddie munson x black!reader #x black reader #eddie munson #I love this white boy but he’s an absolute menace #stranger things x reader #it’s okay stink stink I still love you

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aahsokaatano · 1 year

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Batfamily as BDG/Unraveled Quotes

Bruce: here's a big rule of thumb - magicians are always evil.

Dick: The (Joker)? This dude doesn't have (jokes)! His job title is obviously false! It's like if I got promoted to "guy who had an okay time in high school."

Barbara: we're gonna have to throw this away because (Nightwing) said "oh, daddy!" in an audible space.

Jason: [going over the Gotham Vigilante Hierarchy] We've also got (Robin V) up here, but he's not in a military role. He's actually Secretary of Transportation, but that's just pure nepotism.

Bonus Jason: not even death can excuse you from service in (Batman's) army.

Tim: My second reaction to this was, what the fuck?! Hey, Todd??? What the fuck?????

Stephanie: ...and then that massive donger, (Dr. Strange), turned them on us!

Cass: [the "specifically" counter]

Damian: That's what a "hit point" is - how many 14-inch shells it would take to kill you. [Picture of a 14-inch shell] Every living creature is one hit point.

Duke: no matter which type of fish I put into a dish, I'm not gonna get any more ripped! I'm just gonna have a different fish in me!

Bonus Duke: built to explore dark places.... kind of like a flashlight!

Alfred: I guess memory loss is my greatest intangible fear... "9: What is your greatest tangible fear?" Horses.

Lucius: (Bruce Wayne) is kept around because he was the founder, and made a lot of money on Wall Street in the 80s, but he's hollow inside.

Jim: [reading from the Geneva Convention] "subsection A-8: taking of hostages." What was (Batman) doing with that (acrobat) child?!

Kate: (The Bat Kids) convinced me that trying to categorize all 600+ (Gotham Rogues) was a bad idea, and instead, I should just pick the hot ones.

Luke: Basically, we're here to build a safer experience for these (vigilantes). Because when you walk into an unknown space, I want the first question on your mind to be: am I safe to smash?

Tam: Under no circumstances should you be in a work setting and described as gaping!

Carrie: In fact, most of these metaphors are bullshit. Especially this one. [points at "Loving Sleds"]

Harper: I'm just kidding again! I'm not your friend, and you have no say over what I do with my body.

Cullen: (Ace the Bathound) is a big wolf with a sword......... FUCK yeah!

Lance: Never change. Stick to what you know. Don't try to get better in life. Those are the things I learned today.

Matt: Look at this thing! [Picture of Man-Bat] Look at this thing! [Picture of Blight]

Terry: If anime is to be believed - and I believe anime!

Jarro: I am become (Robin).

#i included as many as i could think of but i am aware i probably missed some and im sorry #batfam #batman incorrect quotes #bdg #brian david gilbert #my stuff #incorrect quotes #i am NOT tagging all those characters holy shit #dc #dc comics

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qcomicsy · 1 year

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I was going to reblog with a comment but that post is already super long. But so true ! Like the ninja assassin thing with Dick is a modern retcon something that would be a Tim Cass or Damian thing to do. But writing a flashback for an adult Dick in the 2000s would be weird. By the 1960s he was firmly in canon 18 and in college. How are you gonna go back to the era of goofy and be like this is Dick’s angsty teenage years involved getting turned into a vampire and fighting Bruce over dating Talia. It just doesn’t make sense with how Long comics keep going. 80 years of comics and he’s only what 28. Like it’s very hard to keep a consistent character when everyone wants to make Dick Jason and Bruce new characters every few decades

Absolutely!

My personal view about how they kept retconning Dick's personality as a child and his relationship with Bruce is that it's a mix of complex things and bullshit.

The complex things is yeah, Dick and Bruce had their share of problems when Dick was growing up. They did start bumping heads a lot, but it was more like "this kid is turning into a man and is starting to clash views with his father (who is already someone who's not easy to deal with)" and "that's the part where he starts to develop who he is as person" (I won't get much into that because I haven't read many comics regarding Dick transition from Robin from Batman & Robin to Robin from Titans until Nightwing in the pre-death of the family era.) than the borderline abusive and toxic relationship they started to introducing in the late 90's to early 2000's portrayals of them.

It's complex because after rebooting everything it's hard to introduce such a long and gradual process that took almost ten years of development that is Dick's emancipation not only from working with Bruce but also following his every step as boy wonder. Specially if we think about the huge fall out they had right after Jason died.

It's bullshit because they started with those retcons when we had that long and embarrassing period of Super-hero history (late 90's to early 2000's) where everyone was trying to make super-heroes popular again but following alongside with a palpable embarrassment and self-conscious shame regarding any silliness and/or whimsical side the superhero universe. Like "we're making superheroes stories but this is for adults, this ain't for children 😡😡". Nobody wanted to be the "60's Batman TV show everyone makes fun of" and everybody wanted to be Alan Moore.

We had all this writers who grow up reading "Death of the family", "The Killing Joke", "Batman Year one" add were dying to recreate the 80's dark period glory, even if they didn't had the same writing skills for that.

I mean hate the Killing Joke all you want (I know I do), it has a shit tone of good writing.

It's bullshit because everyone was still sore about how Batman turned into a joke in the 90's after that one movie and for some reason everyone blamed Robin. It's bullshit because comic books are always influenced by the popular media around them, and while 40's Batman had the American Way and American Family Values™ 🦅🦅🦅, 80's Batman has Scarface, Taxi Driver and long urban tragedies.... 90's have Die Hard and every extra power macho fantasy under the sun.

I mean... This was 90's Nightwing.

he's so big and so stupid and one day I'm gonna top h–*gunshots*

No one wanted to see "good father" Batman, hell no one wanted to see any emotional shit in comics? Emotions??? In my manly comics??? Miss me with that gay sit emotions is for girls 😡😡 I wanna see big buffy man making his enemies cry 🔥⛓️☠️💪☠️😡⛓️🪚🔧

So you reach early 2000, everyone kinda hates or is kinda embarrassed of Robin, Batman is a former shadow of the man and the father he used to be. But you still wanna introduce new readers to your character (Dick Grayson) that (for better or for worst) is loved but only by the people who already know him, you're still embarrassed of his silly origins and the whimsical part of it.

So what do you do?

Personally I think writers thought Dick had it too easy as Robin, personally I think they were obsessed about making it real, personally I think everyone was obssessed and trilled with the idea of being the next Tim Miller and making their one fresh real edge introduction of the boy wonder. Personally I think this is all the new 52 was absolutely on for the Batfamily.

Personally I believe (and this is more a optimistic take) some writers were creatively trying to tie Dick's anger issues as Nightwing to his origins as Robin.

You have this chance of one in million (at te time) to reintroduce Nightwing (reintroduce Robin), now you can make it as real as gritty and as edge as you want. You can make it Robin cool again, you can introduce in a way that will sell well the dark story you where preparing for this character. And you also can deny any father and son relationship he could had have with Bruce Wayne and keep the big beef strong man without feelings reputation that people have been manufacturing by choice into Batman from ten years by now.

And what is more dark and character building than an abusive father?

I think writers thought that making Bruce abusive towards Dick and Dick resentful towards Bruce was the best way to launch this new universe as realistic and grittier. Not only making Dick's Robin introduction (and origin) more "real" but also separating Bruce even more from a emotional and father like figure that for some reason some writers (and fans!) despised to much.

Killing so many birds with one stone might as well call yourself David from the Bible.

And they were so certain this direction would be a success that the just notice their mistake now.

Anyways... A load of bullshit.

I personally don't mind Dick's Robin having anger issues, I think it's a natural progression from his first real serious introduction from back in the 80's, I also think it adds more to his character tying up his first trauma along with a long life of others and the result of having to deal with a frustrating job (that is vigilantism is) since literally ever. I like the idea that the perfect Robin wasn't perfect all the time and he also had (and has) other side of his personality that isn't as nice or likeable as it should and that's a thing he consciously have to work on as a person since he was a child.

However I also think writers did took to far sometimes and Dick history and specially his relationship with Bruce suffered from it. And I also agree that if everyone tries to reboot, retcon and fucking "subvert" a character every fucking ten years you won't even have a fucking consistent character to begin with (gestures vaguely to Jason Todd, Deadpool and now poor fuckin Damian and their wreck of comic book history).

#Dick Grayson #Nightwing #Dick Robin #Batman #Batman and Robin #q asks

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wonderbutch · 1 year

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Hi ! I read your post about the mischaracterization of batfam members, could you expand more ? And how do you choose which characterization is "the right" ? I feel like comics are so old that first characterizations are too simple or over used.

But maybe, it is just not on board with dc merchandising plan...

Thanks you !

I WOULD LOVE TO EXPAND MORE but please keep in mind i havent read batfam comics in a HOT MINUTE but lets gooo.

for starters, the way i personally choose which characterisation to follow is the one that is most consistent within comics, which can be tricky, ill be the first to admit. but if your character basis is off of a headcanon you saw on tumblr/a thing you saw in one comic, you are bound to be just. holding onto nonsense.

now lets talk about how characters are talked about, characterised, and seen within fandom.

lets use dick grayson, aka nightwing, as an example. in the current comics, and in fandom, he is often depicted as the ray of hope and sunshine always happy in a gritty dark world. while this may be true to an extent to his character now, it certainly wasn’t the case when he was first becoming nightwing, and as robin. so many times i see batfamily fics set during the time where jason has just become robin that depict dick as the happy go lucky guy that loves everyone and is a ray of hope and love all the time. in reality (ha!) he was angry, he had just been fired as robin was constantly fighting with bruce, coming to terms with his emotions and feelings about being a vigilante, and dealing with interpersonal relationships. he was by no means acting all happy and sunshine. he loved jason, yes, but he certainly wasn’t hanging around wayne manor idly cracking jokes with bruce. however, as he grew into the nightwing title, he became more mature and less broody, but was still definitely a bit angsty and angry. definitely not the way hes often portrayed by fandom.

moving on, lets talk about jason. this is where comic characterisation really fucks up today. everyone, including fans and writers alike, love to present the idea that jason todd was “the angry robin”. from his first appearances, we KNOW this isnt true. he was full of love for life and adventure and enjoyed school a great amount. he grew up on the streets and had somewhat of a temper, yes, but this was usually to do with people who did great harm to others (for example, the ring at the beginning of death in the family) not because he was actually full of rage always. he was traumatised, yes. but full of hate and rage? definitely not. 80s comics are in that sweet spot where dialogue and storylines are darker and more serious, so its safe to count on jasons robin run as a pretty good place to reference jasons character as robin.

now, with tim drake, he is often depicted by fans as a coffee addicted technology genius mad scientist type character. i have so many problems with this for so many reasons. firstly, shut up about the coffee for the love of rao it has no basis in canon at all. secondly, although tim is talented and intelligent, a concerning amount of fans (and writers/comics, im looking at you, detective comics 2016) looove to say and depict tim as being “the smartest batfamily member”. this is just. so false that it’d almost be funny if it wasnt rooted in sexism (and perhaps ableism). that title will ALWAYS belong to barbara gordon. id love to go into detail about why people treat barbara gordon as second rate to tim but i think thats gonna be for another post. also, tim is literally a high school dropout!! as for the mad scientist thing, PLEASE read any other comic than red robin for your basis of tim drake characterisation. that depiction of tim is because of a very dark time in his life, he most definitely is not like that all the time 24/7.

cassandra cain’s fanon characterisation is probably one of the things about fandom that pisses me off the most. in fics, shes portrayed as this mute girl that loves batman and all his methods completely and has never disagreed with him ever. truthfully, as shown in her batgirl run during the 2000s (read it its so so good) cassandra cain is an 18 year old who has limited speech due to being raised without any spoken language whatsoever. instead, she was raised as a living weapon designed to kill whoever david cain asks. shortly after she kills her first person she is horrified, fleeing to the streets and eventually coming across barbara gordon who decides to take her in and give her the batgirl mantle. she then encounters a psychic who is able to give cassandra the ability to understand and speak english. her speech is short, often shown as short direct sentences sometimes with ellipses when she cannot think of and/or verbalise a certain word. however, she loves to talk and express herself and read books, even if it is difficult for her. for these reasons, i would consider her to be semi verbal and neurodivergent. as for being portrayed as The Biggest Batman Supporter Ever, in her comic run she is often seen directly disobeying batman, and has said point blank that she isn’t loyal to him, but to the batman mantle and symbol itself, taking the no killing rule extremely seriously. although she is one of the characters to obey the no killing rule the most and in its entirety, she most certainly isn’t bruce wayne’s/batman’s biggest supporter nor does she agree with everything he does or even his methods. that title would probably go to damian wayne, believe it or not (again, for another post) but, for these reasons i also consider cassandra cain to be the best choice for who gets to inherent the batman mantle.

this post is getting way too long but uhh those are my thoughts and feelings on certain batfamily characters and how they are mischaracterised by fandom and sometimes comics! i hope u found this informative lol.

#dc #dc comics #batman meta #batfamily meta #meta post #batman #batfamily #this is so incoherent also its midnight lol #im not even that much of a batfam fan tbh

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clambuoyance · 2 years

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I want to read the dc comics, but I have no idea where to start. Which one do I read first?

I gave recs for what I started over here and they’re mainly what I started with so you can understand what I draw, but here are some more :) when I first started reading comics I went for shorter ones but as you read you get exposed to characters and you’re like “I wanna read more of them” and then it all spirals from there. I think it helped me get used to reading comic bullshit lol. I only started reading this year so there’s a lot I haven’t read out there.

1. Supersons 2016 (very cute and more lighthearted, three series, finished so it’s about 30 ish issues in total i think, Damian Wayne/Robin and Jonathan Kent/Superboy are the sons of Batman and Superman and they get into shenanigans and have a cute friendship. I really like these ones😊)

2. Young Justice 1998 (older so dunno if you wanna start with it, but it’s fun and wacky and I love it, 55 issues plus some crossover/tie in issues so probably like 60 ish issues, features Tim drake/robin, superboy/Conner kent, impulse/Bart Allen, wonder girl/Cassandra sandsmark, greta Hayes/secret, arrowette/cissie king jones, plus more like empress/anita fite, slobo, and red tornado.)

3. Graduation day (mini comic that is 2 or 3 issues about breaking up yj and the titans smh smh) then the core four (Tim, Bart, kon, cassie) join the teen titans

Teen titans 2003 (grittier and edgier than yj but has it’s nice character moments here n there, about 100 issues, but I’m not gonna lie if Conner isn’t in the issue I kinda zoned out or skimmed it ummm >_>)

4. Batman urban legends. ( ongoing, anthology of several stories and characters, good if you wanna meet a lot of Gotham based characters. This was like my first legit exposure to dc comics specifically so I’m putting it here)

5. World’s Finest 2022 (ongoing, Um I think there’s 5 or 6 issues out rn. It’s revisiting Batman, Robin (Dick grayson), and Superman’s first years together and it’s reallyyyyy cooooooool. I love the vibes and art. Feels very authentically comic book-y. Dan mora is my favorite dc artist Honestly . Lots of others show up too like Supergirl and Doom Patrol 😊Actually this is Probably my fave out of the new comics)

6. Batgirls 2022 (ongoing but there’s like 9 issues out I think??, features Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, and Barbara Gordon, who have all held the mantle of batgirl. Also the art slaps.)

7. Batgirl 2000 (70 issues, about Cassandra cain’s run as batgirl, I haven’t finished it but Its like a really lauded run and is well written so go read it)

8. Batgirl 2009 (26 issues I think, this is about Stephanie brown’s run as batgirl, she is my beloved I love her so much and her jokes are so😖💜)

9. Red Robin 2009 (26 issues I think?, runs parallel to Batgirl 2009 and Batman and Robin 2009, I put this one last bc I feel like it needs a Lot of context unlike the others where you can just jump into it but it is short and It was also one of my first comics so 🧍🏻‍♀️. Basically Tim drake had a solo run (Robin 1993) but it’s over 100 issues and I haven’t even read all of em bc there’s. So much. So if u wanna read more tim drake stuff I’d suggest looking up a reading list bc he debuts in the Detective Comics issues and then gets his own solo. Anywaysss so basically a lot of shit happened lots of friends n family died or “died” leaving Tim in a pretty bad place. Bruce is assumed dead, so Dick becomes Batman and makes Damian his Robin, and Tim takes up the Red Robin mantle. okay actually you can easily pick up the context when u read so nvm😗✌️)

I was gonna put more but I’m on mobile and hit the photo limit ☹️ Kon and Bart have their solos, I started reading The New Teen Titans from the 80s, Damian has a recent robin run, and I’m planning on reading more supergirl/superfam comics and green lantern corps comics so yeaaaaah there’s a loooooot. Hopefully something here piqued your interest and I didn’t overwhelm you.

#clam answers #dc #comics #comics talk #dc comics #long post #if its under 30 issues i usually binge that shit like its a fanfiction #if its over that or like in the 100s…it takes me forever to read it T-T

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fairystarstorm · 17 days

Text

Current impressions + ranking of the new teen titans

I recently started reading the New Teen Titans and I am on issue #27. So I decided to do a short analysis of the current main 7 + talking about my impressions of then before I started reading the comics. Most of my knowledge of them is from young justice S1, the dcau, the first episode of teen titans (2003) and the summary videos I watched when I had comics fixation when I was like 16. (And the Kami garcia books but lets not talk about it)

7. Wally West/Kid Flash

So like most of my opinion of Wally came from young justice, the arrowverse and the justice league cartoon. I basically saw him as a jokster. Didn't have too much of a strong opinion of him in the cartoons but I liked him in the flash series.

He's a lot more introspective than I expected him to be. Especially regarding his feelings about being a superhero and his feelings regarding Raven are interesting to grapple with. As well as the volume where we saw his insecurity when it comes to Dick.

The reason why he is low is that the others don't have a issue where I genuinely dislike them as I did during the Maladie saga. Basically it felt like he escalated the situation a lot with his anti-russian sentiment + the general hypocrisy of hating Russia for shit the US was also doing. I kinda hope to see him grow more from that.

I don't currently feel like I have a favourite friendship between him and the other titans. It is mostly because of how little I feel we see him interact much with the rest. Even with Donna and Dick I feel like we don't see much of them with him (especially compared to how much time we see those two spend time together). Which feels odd especially since they are all apart of the original teen titans (which at some point I might read). And because we see little of their friendship, I don't really have a good read of their friendship. We see his relationship with Raven a lot more, but I don't really care for it right now.

Rating 5.5/10 could be way worse but definitely could be better

6. Garfield/Beastboy

Again I saw him as a joker. Like the most I have seen him was in the DC animated movies. He is also usually one of my least favourite characters so that tracks. All though I do feel like the original comics give more insight in his joker personality these few volumes than from the few things I saw him in. I really hope that they will dive more into that in the next volumes.

I still don't have that strong of an opinion of him. His jokes regarding women leave a bad taste in my mouth, even though I get where they come from. I just hope we see him develop a more healthy relationship with himself and his past so they can stop.

The doom patrol arc is my fave story line for him. Wish we got to see more of him dealing with the fact that he killed someone but granted he is not the type right now to handle his issues right on.

I really like his banter with Vic. Especially considering how they are both people that have to grapple with the fact that their difference makes them non-human to other people.

Rating 6/10 same as Wally but there is no issue where I absolutely hate him or am annoyed by him.

5. Victor Stone/Cyborg

The only thing i have seen him are the justice league animated movies and I know he also a founding member in the Zack Snyder movies. So I am genuinely very curious why that got retconned.

So because I only really saw him in that (and the one episode of teen titans I have seen) I didn't really have any strong feelings about him or any thoughts really. In the beginning I was a little afraid they was gonna make him like an Angry Black Man, but I have been pleasantly surprised. I wanna see more of him with the kids (also not them already showing in the 80s how important representation can be for people)

I have so many thought about him and his dad. Like I know how difficult it can be to have a parent that loves you but can't show it. My dad and I's relationship is similar without all the anger on my part. So the issue where he and his dad spend his dad's last days together hit me in the heart. Like crying, pain in my chest and all. It feels so bittersweet to finally connect with your parent when it is almost too late. (I wish we got to know more about his relationship with his mom)

Him grappling with his humanity and his new body is also a highlight of his character. So I hope they keep touching on it for now and that we can also transition to seeing him more comfortable with himself.

As stated with Beast boy section, my favorite friendship for him is with beast boy. We don't get to see much of his relationship with the others as much but I like his friendship with Raven.

Rating: 6.5

4. Dick Grayson/Robin/Nightwing

Been my fave since young justice. Also I feel like this is the moment to say I rewatch teen titans: the judas contract because him and Koriand'r. Sometimes only their scenes too.

So safe to say that if I made a ranking before I started reading the comics, those two would be top 2. Basically the reason I wanted to read dc comics for the longest time (them and birds of prey).

But moving on to his character in the comics. I really like how they have implemented his character in the theme where he is basically the only one without powers. Like I feel that in a lot of stories, the one without powers is somehow made to still feel overpowered. By being so much smarter than the rest or still having beyond human constitution even though they don't have powers. So I really appreciated during the tamaran arc that we actually saw him physically struggle during the battle.

I feel like we haven't gotten much of a story arc/volume that was really focused on him except for in the beginning and kinda his relationship with kory. I am curious to see what they are going to do with him moving forward. Also I do appreciate the emotional intelligence we got to see from him when he and Kory talked after getting together.

Speaking about Dickkory, I feel like they sre definitely the type of ship I am gonna start liking after they get together. Because si far their relationship in comics is still a little so-so. We don't really get to see that much of them interacting even as friends. It feels like a lot of will they, won't they? mixed with him being like don't kill anyone you're on earth. However every single moment of them together that I have seen over the years is amazing. So I hope they can fully pull me on board soon.

However I am extremely happy that they didn't use kori's relationship with the white man (I can't be bothered to look up his name) as a jumping of point for Dick and kori to get back together. So far he has also been respectful of that relationship. I like a healthy amount of jealousy in romances but I really do loathe it when it is used to spurn one character into action. Like they are finally trying to move on from you, and now your bitch ass comes crawling back. It gives "I don't want this toy, but no one else can play with it either".

Now speaking about my fave Dick relationship is his friendship with Donna. I don't have much to say about them, but I just like all of their interactions.

7/10

2. Donna Troy

I knew nothing about Donna Troy before this. Like the only thing I have seen her in was the last scene of judas contract. I know she is in the titans show, but honestly I didn't watch it because I thought it was connected to the arrowverse.

So I went in completely blind when it came to her. However she got my heart so quickly. She feels so genuine to me. The struggles she is facing with not knowing her background. The way she feels not completely at home with the amazons as a result (this was especially hitting me as a kid from first gen immigrant parents). There is just so much potential in her and I think it is a shame with how little she is adapted.

Side eyeing her 29 year old boyfriend for now tho. It just doesn't sit right with me that this young woman that doesn't know who she is, is in a relationship with a man that has so much more experience on her. Like this man has already been divorced, what is he doing with a 18-19 year old. From what I have heard the unhealthy factor never really gets addressed fully, so praying from good fanfics.

I also love her friendship with koriand'r. She opened her house to someone who was practically a stranger to her. She tries to teach her about earth and be a guide in this unfamiliar world. In a way she paid forward the kindness Diana and the other amazons gave her. I think their relationship is the one I believe the most.

8.5/10

Top 2 will be posted soon but I just wanted to post part of it. Like I have been writing this for over a week and I still have so much to say about Kori and Raven 😭😭😭😭😭

#dick grayson #nightwing #robin dick grayson #beast boy #garfield logan #changeling #Cyborg dc #dc cyborg #victor stone #wally west #kid flash #wally west kid flash #new teen titans #mena reads new teen titans #wonder girl #troia #Donna Troy #wonder girl donna troy

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danny-chase · 1 year

Note

Ok I’ll just send a few of my unpopular opinions for you to react to later lol

1. I think a lot of Jason Stans act like Tim Stans as of recent and say he’s the smartest bestest batfam member. The smartest Robin thing is stupid because they’re all smart and it depends on who is writing.

2. As much as I want it to be true I don’t think Dick is queer-coded or bi in canon. I can’t speak for the stuff in the 80’s and earlier but most of the stuff I’ve read makes him so straight (especially Tom Taylor) 😭

3. Dick was not the angry Robin or an angry person in general and so many people take his angry moments out of context.

4. I want Clark and Lois to have another kid because they robbed us of Jon content and I think giving him a sibling would be neat

Pls don’t hate me 😭

1. I don't really pay attention to that so I don't know

2. Recent stuff? Yeah no. Outsiders 2003? Maybbbe? Winick explicitly had Grace call out the sexual tension between Dick and Roy, and call them a cute couple, it definitely felt like he was flirting with the idea, haven't looked at his intentions. Devin Grayson, a writer on Nightwing in the 00s also said in an interview she headcanoned him as bisexual. It's also worth mentioning Inheritance was officially put out by DC which is probably the most intentionally queer coded Dick's ever been in anything, i haven't read it, but seen some quotes and yeah. When most ppl refer to old stuff in the 80s they're talking about ntt, which yeah discowing outfit is camp, Marv Wolfman i believe was trying to write Dick as straight and accidentally added some gay moments in (like Dick meeting Joey i was like??? Marv are you bi and never realized you were into men??? Because that's how your Dick internal narration comes off). Either way, while i joke about those moments I don't consider them queercoding because to me they didn't seem intentional

3. I feel like this one's pretty popular among Dick fans. Dude started out as angry, calmed down, stiffened into a rigid little guy (teen titans 66 era Dick my beloved, he's such a square i love him). In canon generally his anger has a cause, not unlike the rest of us shshsh

4. I don't like what they did aging up Jon, and i don't really care if they have another kid 🤷‍♀️

I'm not gonna hate you shdhhdhdhdh it's just opinions

#asks #anon #ask games

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mywifeleftme · 8 months

Text

195: Run the Jewels // Run the Jewels

Run the Jewels Run the Jewels 2013, Fool's Gold

Even as someone who was very hyped for this monster mash album to drop back in 2013, I could’ve used El-P and Killer Mike’s chances at becoming mainstream music stars as a creative simile for extreme remoteness. Run the Jewels started life as a Watch the Throne joke—e.g. while you pay obeisance to the supposed kings, we’re behind them jacking their shit. The name seemed right: any time you put Mike on a pop-adjacent track, he sounded too brash, too angry to fit the scheme, whereas El-P probably scanned to most listeners as like, Comic-Con Bubba Sparxxx or something. It remains bizarre to contemplate that El-P’s original crew, Company Flow, released their groundbreaking Funcrusher EP a year before Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt, and Mike had been OutKast’s war dog since the turn of the century. In other words, these were two rapper’s rappers who made a living on rhymes but didn’t seem likely to have say great prospects of retiring comfortably.

youtube

It just goes to show what a creative release strategy (Run the Jewels dropped for free at a time when that concept still had some novelty) and an absolute banger record can do for ya. After years of ambitious, CD-stuffing projects by both men, Run the Jewels is a trim 33-minute object lesson in the power of elite shit-talking. Ten years on their particular chemistry is fixed enough to be fondly roasted, but at the time I’d never heard either man rap as freely, or hilariously, as they did here. Some particularly treasured bars:

Woo, they done let that fuckin' Mike out It's like Tyson in the '80s Nigga snap and punch your lights out, yeah It's like Tyson in the '90s, if I'm losing, take a bite out I'm so motherfuckin' grimy, so motherfuckin' greedy, gritty Mama said she couldn't breastfeed 'cause I was bitin' at the titty — Mike

Yo, Killer Mike and El-P, fuck boys, think about it Fuck you gonna sell me? You don't know a thing about us Women dosed with ayahuasca drum circle and sing about us Dolphins prone to rape'll hear the tape and stop to think about it Monks will immolate themselves until the record hits the shelves Yetis walk right out the woods to cop it without thinkin' bout it Workers at the sweatshop kill they boss to how the vets drop Worker ants surround their queen and chew the bitch's head off Drug dogs bark at the tour bus when it park Priests take the cock out of their mouths To hum along when the chorus drop — El-P

It's time for Skywalker talkers t’meet the true Darth Vader I hit your mom in '03, but a G ain't ate her So baby boy, you should tighten up and show some respect Before I Melvin on you, Jody, put my arm on your neck Or worse yet, be the reason your girl want a divorce Be at her crib with your kids saying ‘Fuck your fort, lil' nigga!’ — Mike

Born to the next-gen system Slow water drip to the temple to live in a prison When the walls don't appear to your vision One floor down from that mall's that prison Where shower stalls'll get all y'all missin' Pardon me, I got half-wit vision But fuck I know? I just crawled here, cap'n — El-P

I'm fat but I dress nice, and bitches finesse Mike They suck the dick and squeeze on my belly like bagpipes — Mike

I'ma smoke 'til the planet erases Build a white flag out of Zig Zags, wave it — El-P

And so on. Alongside El-P’s signature production, limber and consistently knocking, it is the sheer “What will they say next?” pleasure of two elite battle rappers trading the mic back and forth (something that doesn’t happen on Watch the Throne as often as you might remember) that scratched the deep itch of boom-bap-bro nation. Over three more excellent LPs to date, they’ve expanded their sound and skewed ever more topical, but RTJ have never abandoned the template that made them unlikely stars. And for my money at least, it’s this first one that best stands the test of time.

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195/365

#run the jewels #halloweek #killer mike #el p #music review #'10s music #vinyl record #hip hop #indie rap

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munchflix · 2 years

Text

MUNCHFLIX - THE DIRT 1.25

IMDB BLURB: Based on the bestselling autobiography from Mötley Crüe, the film is an unflinching tale of success and excess as four misfits rise from the streets of Hollywood to the heights of international fame.

WARNINGS: Sex, so much sex. Boobs. Graphic depictions of drug use. Horrible 80s hair. Pete Davidson. We’re fucking dumb.

RATING: You don’t know fuckin’ shit about Motley Crue.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: The absolute shit I do for you. This movie had better slap ass because I really don't like Motley Crue and I don't think they're hot and there had better be some shit to make fun of. Like Motley Crue. I really hope I get to make fun of Motley Crue. I'm gonna start right now by making fun of the way they spelled Motley Crue like a bunch of fucking edgelords.

Biscuits "How many calories are in tequila" Horrorslash: where the hell is my shotglass??!? WHOO YEAH BABEY THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! This movie gave Motley Crue a huge resurgence in popularity. Everyone saw it and was like - my poor little meow meows uwu. Like - if by that you mean four feral cats let loose in your house screeching and pissing everywhere then yeah.

M: So we open with a little intro to the 80's and people are fucking and ...squirting...publicly....and I'm about to make Biscuits write this entire thing himself.

B: What did you really expect? Nikki is narrating and he has a sad backstory so everyone gets to slobber over him.

M: I'm not picking sides. I don't think any of them are cute. Why does Nikki's dad look like Charles Manson? He's very mouthy for like....a 10 year old? Nikki cuts his arm with a knife to blame his shit ass mom for it.

B: It is based on a book so it's them retelling their own rock star backstories, so take this with as many inches of dick as we're gonna assign to them. So Tommy gets like 8 and a half and Nikki gets like 3.

M: I'm not gonna ask how you know how big everyone's dick is.

B: These men have shown many parts of themselves. Tommy was naked like 90 percent of the time. Also that was a joke, I’m not even saying it’s accurate.

M: I still don't wanna know. So Frank Jr is now Nikki Sixx because he grew up and shit.

Frank Jr.? But he’s just a little girl!

M: Now Tommy is narrating? He comes from like...super suburban normal life. His family is like super normal and healthy. Except Tommy.

B: Tommy Lee was really attractive when he was young. He's the youngest! Tommy and Nikki meet in a diner and they're like - we should totally be in a band and fuck girls in the vicinity of each other! Or just touch tips. Nikki is like - my new band is gonna be so cool! I'm gonna get like 4 rabid raccoons together and just turn em loose on a stage! They find a guitarist but he's shitty and they hate him.

M: Who's this dude? (Mick Mars, he's gonna be the guitarist.) He doesn't like Tommy's old band, they suck. Mick Mars is a dick, jesus. He's like - I am the best guitarist EVAR.

B: Mick Mars is a better guitarist than most people. I have some respect for him, unlike the other members of the band. He's got ankylosing spondylitis and he can walk in heels and play guitar better than I probably ever will. So the band has picked up an old man with bone disease.

M: That's pretty fucking hardcore tho, no wonder he's such a dick. Chronic pain does shit to a person. They are looking for some random skinny dude with attitude to sing in the band. The requirements are so low here.

B: Tommy is giving off major Bill and Ted vibes.

M: They find what I assume Vince Neil singing at a pool party and they're like - HE IS SURROUNDED BY BABES we must take him. This guy looks nothing like Vince Neil.

People ask me - “What don’t you like about Motley Crue music?” I say, “The sound.”

B: Tommy speaks at 300 words per second. Vince is doing coke with his girlfriend because it was the 80's and everyone did cocaine except Jon Bon Jovi.

M: He's not even a rock star yet. This is the most haphazard getting a band together I've ever heard of. They're just like HEY WE ARE A BAND NOW AND WE'RE GONNA GET SO LAID!

B: Vince's girlfriend is just gonna stand there.

M: She's already trying to manage the band but they're gonna shut her down with the power of BUTTROCK!

B: Tommy Lee has the energy of a crackhead even when he's not high. He's lighting cockroaches on fire with hairspray. Nikki has a whole notebook full of doodles of pentagrams and shitty band names. That's just me. I have that same notebook.

M: Why is Mick the only sane member of this band?

B: He doesn't have the energy to do like all the fucked up shit, he's too tired. Vince looks like 80's coked up hooker barbie.

The bass player is the loser of the band, yes he is - if you don’t believe me, take a look at the one you’re with!

M: I guess they're playing a gig now? Or not. Vince and co are already kicking people's asses before a note has been sung.

B: They're throwing hands. And everyone is like - FUCK YEAH THIS BAND RULES! THEY JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE! I'd like to state for the record that my stenographer is refusing to type out some of the things I am saying. She's becoming more of a lesbian every second.

M: Number 1 - I am not your stenographer. 2 - you can edit in whatever you want but I am typing RIGHT NOW, 3 - I really am. Wtf is going on in the movie?

B: A montage of them doing gigs. That's Pete Davidson! They haven't been signed yet tho so I guess that's where Pete comes in. There's probably gonna be even more sex scenes in this movie.

M: There's already been like four!

B: THICK ASS. I almost put my hands on the table and howled like a wolf.

M: You'll be glad later that I left so many things out. So now Pete is talking to them and there's some chick under the table giving random blow jobs but he doesn't want one.

B: And now more violence!

M: Mick Mars just straight up Deadpools us by talking directly to the camera and he is now my favorite member of Motley Crue, at least in this movie.

He’s hip, he’s cool, he’s 45

B: Nikki doesn’t like Kiss. I like Kiss. Munch doesn't even like Kiss! What DO you like?? What do you listen to that's so great!?? Kate Bush? Bruno Mars or some shit?

M: You need more alcohol. I just don't fuckin' like BUTTROCK.

B: GLAM METAL. Buttrock is deragatory.

M: It's meant to be. Vince is somehow fucking yet another girl. How does he have time in his day for this. Pete talks to the camera and tells us not to leave our girlfriend alone with Motley Crue because they'll fuck her.

B: Probably good advice. Just a bunch of dudes in leather and studs and makeup. Just dudes being guys.

M: It was a very straight thing to do in the 80's.

B: I don't think that's the original track. That's not Vince singing...ugh. (disclaimer: read to the end for the SHOCKING TRUTH!)

M: How you even noticed that...and now for some good old fashioned SATANIC PANIC! And the band comparing how many women they've fucked. Once again Mick proves to be the only human being in the group. Who I think is supposed to be Ozzy in a dress comes around with money sticking out of his ass. Ozzy snorts...ants.

B: And pisses on the concrete. Both seem entirely like something Ozzy would do. Then licks it up. Oh Tommy sounds like he liked that

M: WHY AM I BEING MADE TO WATCH THIS. Ozzy is licking up Nikki's piss now. An aside from Doc says what we're all thinking.

B: Is this the indecent exposure incident??

M: Which one????

B: The one where Tommy was running through a hotel naked and some people got mad about it. And they arrested Mick instead.

M: Doc says they did stupid shit because they were Motley Crue. And now the mud wrestling sequence.

B: They're acting like Vince was the most horny dude. Maybe he was but like - these other guys are also horny. Vince is like - Sharice you're my girl, move in with me, I won't fuck as many women. I was about to ask how these dudes had the energy to fuck this much but then oh yeah! Cocaine!

They’re soooo together!

M: Tommy is introducing people to his family and new fiancee? He has a few of them. Tommy's mom is SAVAGE. Tommy is coming across like a 12 year old with too much freedom.

B: That is basically accurate. 3 middle school boys and their dad who drinks a lot.

M: Tommy and his new fiancee are having some...difficulties.

B: This is not the last time Tommy will hit a woman. He had a bit of a temper.

M: I feel like you don't really need to watch this. You already are like...a Motley Crue historian.

B: Oh we're just gonna drive drunk and leave Vince's pregnant wife here, I sure hope nothing bad happens!

M: Oh yeah I forgot Tommy and Heather Locklear were a thing.

B: "I love you." Tommy Lee to every woman he meets. It's the drummer from Hanoi Rocks in the car with Vince I think. And now death. This really did happen and yes he was drunk and yes that man died.

M: But it's fine because they're in Motley Crue.

B: Whoops! Uh oh. Oopsie Daisy. That man is dead. And it's your fault, Vince.

All the girls want to know - who’s the cutest boy on death row?

M: VINCE GETS 30 DAYS FOR MURDERING A DUDE. Wtf. Nikki is very sad that Vince is in jail but it's okay because he's on heroin now and Biscuits is never ever gonna have a heroin addiction because he can't stand needles.

B: I can't even inject my own testosterone! And that doesn't even have to go into my veins! Vince has returned from uh...killing a guy.

M: Is he sober now?

B: Supposedly. No nevermind he's immediately snorting cocaine. And vomiting.

M: Oh he's snorting smack, no wonder he's sick. Nikki keeps blaming Vince for fucking up the band when he's busy injecting heroin every other scene. And missing repeated calls from his sad mother. Tommy Lee is in love every five minutes in this movie. Vince now has a kid I guess but she doesn't seem to like him much?

B: Well.....Theatre of Pain, are they gonna show Theatre of Pain Tommy Lee because I might have to take a break.

M: That's between you and jesus. Tommy Lee gives a life on the road montage where he shows everyone getting wasted and performing and then getting wasted again. Drink, snort and fuck everything in sight. It's a wonder they lived this long tbh.

B: All four of them are still alive actually!

M: It's honestly a miracle. This is hard to like...narrate because it's so chaotic. It's just like - watching a band go bonkers and slowly self destruct. (disclaimer: read til the end for the SHOCKING TRUTH about why it was so hard to narrate!)

B: That's the beauty of it all! It's 4th of July, we're recording this, well not recording it, but you know. There’s fireworks outside and fireworks on the screen. Nikki has mommy issues! Oh poor little meow meow. Come sit on my lap poor little meow meow!

M: People are gonna take you seriously.

B: I was joking there. Like 70 percent. 80 percent. Oh my god, not in your neck Nikki, ew.

M: I guess Tommy is getting married. Nikki is wasted as fuck.

B: You've got more opportunities Tommy! You'll have several more happiest days of your life! Nikki can't even put his suit jacket on. This your man? This your boy? Somebody come get him. Nikki Sixx did a LOT of heroin.

M: 1000 dollars a day is a lot of heroin.

B: Is this the part where he died?

M: You're the Motley Crue historian.

B: I'm not sure if this is that time when he overdosed or if he's just normal shooting up heroin. Wtf did you give him, I gave him heroin!

M: I'm guessing that's an overdose.

Hey guys...Kyle’s dead!

B: Nikki went to the great beyond! But he came back!

M: This was apparently before naxolo...naxostuff.

B: I think that's just adrenaline. I was happy, but I kept doing heroin! That's how drugs work, kids. Oh my god, they didn't need to show the vein thing more than once.

M: Well it's a good message to kids watching this. Drugs are gross. They will turn you into a bleeding arm gross man-thing. Now they're sober and shit and they hate each other.

B: They can't stand to be around each other when they're not high. They all had massive prima donna egos.

M: Hardly a shock. But they're all good clean boys now. Trying to have family lives and shit. And hating each other. A lot more. Vince is going to be a huge dick about this. He wants to have FUN. I really enjoy's Mick's little asides. He's just kind of in the background with his fucking vodka like - these dudes are all idiots.

B: Vince's wife left him. And he left the band.

M: If Pearl Jam is here their career is almost over anyway.

B: And then the 90's happened! It was a bad time for Motley Crue. Big manly rocker boy egos clash! I don't like you guys anymore! We're gonna get a new singer! John uh....Corabi. But they don't have a blonde guy anymore so it's never gonna work.

M: You can't have a buttrock band without a blonde guy!

B: Oh yeah Vince's daughter died of cancer, I forgot about that.

M: WHAT. That's super fucked up. Nobody likes new Motley Crue without Vince. He was kinda one of those unique voices. JohnBoy out here like WHOO I'M IN A ROCK BAND! He's about to be so disappointed.

Someone's gonna get a punch in the head. Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?

B: There's a whole crowd of people out here booing you!

M: Everything is going to Motley Hell. Vince's kid is dying, Mick isn't looking so hot, Tommy's Heather is leaving him, Nikki is just sulking.

B: Yeah we had a good ride, except for all the drugs and you know...death, and crime...and punishment...Vince's kid, yeah she died. Nikki visits his dad's grave.

M: And meets a half brother he didn't know he had?? What the fuck is this shit

B: Oh he means a FAMILY! He needs a family!

M: His own MOTLEY CREW. NIkki and Tommy make up and touch tips and go out to find Mick who is looking more and more like death warmed over every day. But to be fair, he's got a condition.

B: We're getting the band back together, even though they just broke up. Vince, we love you man. You're our blonde man, man. There may be a million other slutty blonde men out there but you're OUR slutty blonde guy. Sometimes a family is four dudes who do drugs.

M: They're gonna go perform again I guess? Long slow dramatic walk to the stage.

B: Maybe the real treasure...the REAL MOTLEY CRUE is the friends we made along the way! And some tasteful ass shots!

“ One day you’ll look back on this as the best time in your life.” “ I sure hope not!”

M: Priorities. I guess they played together for another 20 years for some fucking reason.

B: Until 2015 but...They're doing a stadium tour like...as we speak.

M: Why. I don't really have anything to add. Biscuits just hurt himself headbanging. Oh my god. I just realized I forgot to turn the speed down and we just watched that entire movie at 1.25 speed. No wonder Tommy Lee was talking so fast.

B: *chokes to death on laughter* I can't believe we did that.

M: That's so fucking funny.

B: It's so on brand. I THOUGHT the songs sounded weird!! Holy fuck, oh my god. I don't even have any closing thoughts now because that's so fucking funny. Closing thoughts: we are two of the dumbest people who've ever lived.

#Motley crue #review #munchflix #the dirt #tommy lee #nikki sixx #vince neil #mick mars #humor #rock and roll #mötley crüe

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