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suffarustuffaru · 6 months

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If emilia had known all the manipulative and deceitful shit that echidna did to subaru in greed If and how fucked up subaru became under her influence, and how much Echidna despised everything about her and saw her as a useless, annoying naive doll, and eventually found out that Echidna was in fact so greedy and inhuman, do you think she would have changed her mind about Echidna and started to wary and disgusted by her? (Plus the talk of Beatrice waiting 400 years in Arc 4's Dream Castle would probably add fuel to the fire)

YES. absolutely. yes. itd be barely even a question, of course emilia would be wary of echidna and disgusted by echidnas actions if she (emilia) ever found this out. but im gonna explain why i think this🙏

we see some major instances of emilia standing up for herself—the biggest examples include her post arc 4 development, also her being mad about subaru calling her satella in arc 1, her arc 3 speech to the royal council (that was sadly glossed over in the anime but you can see it in the manga and its SUPER badass) and also her arc 3 fallout with subaru, etc etc. but the ones where she has more of a negative reaction, ie the arc 1 example and the arc 3 fallout with subaru—are particularly interesting to me.

the arc 1 example shows her standing up for herself with something that was done to her directly. subaru called her satella in public when shes already out there showing her face and being judged as she always is, but people arent usually so bold as to directly call her satella. its why she gets pissed—its a very personal insult, and its one that shes had to deal with for almost her entire life due to more factors out of her control (which is a reoccurring theme with her—shes rarely fully in control of many things in her life). this also is you know one of the examples where she DOES stand up for herself!!

but regarding the arc 3 fallout—yes, of course shes upset that subaru humiliated her at the royal selection when shes already bound to have a hard time because shes a half elf. of course shes upset that subaru broke his promise (especially when you remember her trauma with that), and of course shes upset because subaru absolutely looks like a massive liar right now (especially when you remember her trauma with that) and again, didnt keep his promise. but its interesting to note that emilia has this huge guilt complex regarding people being hurt because of her in some way (which isnt her fault at ALL but thats how it feels to her and this is how its often justified by perpetrators in universe!!). puck even tells her in memory snow that subaru keeps getting hurt because of her because puck is a shit father. so yes, emilia is upset that subarus hurt her, but so much of her dialogue in their arc 3 fallout is about how subaru got hurt because of her, and how she doesnt want subaru to be hurt anymore. a big part of why she leaves subaru then is because of that!! she was personally hurt, her trauma has been triggered by this too, shes been publicly humiliated on a deep level when shes already bound to struggle in the selection, and yet shes thinking more about subaru in this instance. that says so much about her.

and once you get to post arc 4 emilia in general—this is an emilia who is grown and is still struggling with her deepest insecurities but shes finally started to face them head on. of course shes gonna feel disgusted by what echidna did to subaru (and beatrice!!) if she ever found out—subaru and beatrice are very dear to emilia, and theyre the two people emilia is closest with thatve been affected by echidna the most.

i just think that on the scale of things echidna has done, emilia would care the least about how echidna feels about her specifically. not in the sense that emilia wouldnt care, because she does. she cares deeply about what others think of her and she always tries to be kind and nice and proper. she always tries to prove herself to others because she always has something to prove. shes the half devil, and shes someone whos often overshadowed both in universe and narratively.

echidnas feelings on her are only unique in its intensity and mystery—we see echidnas face scrunch up and she looks and sounds like shes going to cry when she admits in the anime that she hates emilia. we dont know why, only that this is the one and Only time we echidna with such negative emotions of this caliber? but echidna is probably far from the only person in the world to hate emilia and see her as useless and annoying and naive. and echidna is most definitely not the only person to hate emilia in the first place for various reasons.

emilia is extremely aware of just how many people despise her. how could she not when its connected to her appearance and existence? shes reminded of that like 90% of the time she steps outside. or when she thinks about other demihumans or about the fate of her own people. would it still sting for emilia to learn about the full depth of echidnas hatred? yeah, because like i said, echidna really has a personal vendetta against emilia, and also because this is all poking and prodding at the same core insecurities emilia has—that emilia is and will always be some useless doll thats paraded around. would it make emilia a little wary because echidna has a personal grudge? yes. of course. when theres a threat to emilia herself personally, that tends to extend for other people (such as her camp), so she unfortunately has to think about that. and of course emilia would probably also be wondering Why its so personal for echidna.

but emilia will IMMEDIATELY fixate more on the fact that echidna deeply hurt beatrice and subaru.

emilia is someone whos hated by the world, someone whos near constantly targeted unfairly in various ways—but she continually chooses to try and be kind and try to keep her courage and try to do the right thing even as shes completely terrified. shes deeply scared to hurt others due to her traumas and Various Experiences. she may not be entirely certain what love is, but she has felt it numerous times and loves her loved ones a lot. she cant fathom someone like echidna, who locked her own daughter in the library to wait for a person who isnt real just so echidna could watch and see what happens. echidna used her own daughter like some sick twisted lab experiment, and emilia would be even more deeply uncomfortable when you remember that she too was put in a princess room by her mother figure (which was well meaning and WAY different than beatrice of course, but im sure the room parallel would be Uncomfy anyway). and beatrice was waiting for 400 years too, emilias going to be so grief stricken and angry on beatrices behalf!!

and subaru's behalf too!! but let me go deeper into explaining greed if first.

when it comes to greed if, i dont like to entirely attribute everything to echidna here—mainly because i dont want to ignore subarus agency in all of this. subaru is the antithesis to someone like emilia or reinhard—subaru has infinite choices. hes choice itself. he can change in any direction and make whatever choices he wants and nothing can stop him once he sets his mind to something.

and greed if subaru continually makes decisions that makes him and everyone around him worse. he threatens felt and rom to leave the election to manipulate reinhard into joining him. he holds meili hostage in a cell to control elsa. characters like garfiel and ram understandably resent him for his manipulative bullshit. otto leaves because of it. emilia and beatrice’s mental health are completely and utterly destroyed because of his actions. yes, echidna is VERY MUCH to blame for how subaru ended up. he accepted her contract when he was vulnerable and at his lowest point, and now hes in this horribly toxic dependent relationship with her because shes the only one he can confide in. she helps him plan things, she helps him move things along. shes made him worse all this time, and while she plays a HUGE role in greed if for this reason, subaru continually makes the choice each and every single time to keep going down this path. he can try and turn around at any point, but he doesnt. hes a horrible person now, which i think should always be remembered in general for the vast majority of the ifs. he is a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. hes not innocent anymore—everyone is ultimately stuck under his control in greed if because he’ll just keep abusing rbd until he gets what he wants. no one whos near subaru has any free will here. echidna whispers in subarus ear and subaru chooses to listen to her and make more shit decisions.

is echidna guilty for essentially manipulating subaru into accepting her contract and becoming worse as a result? yes. is subaru guilty for doing all the things he did following accepting the contract? yes. these two things coexist. granted, i would still give echidna more of the responsibility for greed if of course, i just don't want to ignore what subarus been doing either hah.

but basically emilia finding out about all of this gets extremely complicated Very Fast.

to find out the full extent of the shit echidna does to subaru in greed if, emilia would have to know about rbd. and emilia finding out rbd is a whole other complicated subject on its own, but long story short, her guilt complex regarding hurting other people is gonna really FLARE UP. her worst fears have basically been confirmed with the existence of rbd because subaru has chosen time and time again to be involved with her, and being involved with her unfortunately means that he gets caught in the crossfire of ALL the things that keep trying to hurt emilia (which again isnt her fault and she has no control over any of this happening). so theres the double whammy of 1. emilia finds out rbd and 2. emilia finds out about greed if which brings whole other layer to this.

emilia is inevitably going to be horribly horribly guilty and In Despair over rbd. but then theres greed if, which shows echidna taking advantage of subaru for her own greed, subaru growing Worse because of echidna, and greed emilia also growing Worse in addition to everyone else involved in all of this. this is absolutely horrifying on multiple levels. OF COURSE shes also angry and grief stricken on subarus behalf—from her perspective, subaru has gotten hurt because of her and other people Repeatedly. she WILL blame herself for not doing enough (even though again, subaru and the people around them have made their own choices). she'll get angry and upset that subaru has even had to carry a burden like this alone, that hes been hurt so many times, and the fact that emilia herself is at the core of all of this. thats absolutely fucking terrifying. subaru has gone all this way for her. from her perspective—how can she possibly make up for all of this? she cant.

and then it gets even more terrifying because greed if subaru is a dark version of him that takes all his ugly traits and exerts control over everyone around him. hes miserable. hes horrifying. hes quite frankly an eldritch horror masquerading as this smiling mannequin version of natsuki subaru. and if emilias finding out about greed if, she has to find out about this other version of her thats all her worst traits amplified as well—shes a useless doll in the sense that greed if subaru removed emilias choices and did everything for her. hes the new puck to her, and puck was already a terrible parent by also exerting control over emilia in his own ways only to do horrible shit (see: destroying the whole world after she dies) behind her back. you know what that sounds like? subaru. and greed if subaru continues to enable this in emilia—hes responsible for her turning out this way and he continues to take care of her by doing everything for her because he now has this emilia that wants to bend to his every whim and follow everything he tells her to do. thats all she has left. subarus actions caused her to snap in this way because he never gave her a chance to actually flourish on her own. he never tried to help her rather than control her. and its why, in all her instability, she nearly freezes everything around her every time she gets angry and upset (see: her nearly having a breakdown after seeing subaru got hurt because of beatrice). greed if subaru has essentially gotten his "dream girl" in the worst way possible—emilia is now fully and completely dependent on him. she never had the chance to be otherwise.

its so incredibly clear when you read greed if that the moment emilia gets on the throne of lugunica, because she will, because subaru will absolutely make that happen, emilia will become a puppet ruler because shes too mentally unstable now to actually rule. because again, subarus made the choices for her this whole time, and it broke her.

greed if beatrice is also similar because really all subaru did was drag her kicking and screaming out of that burning mansion. yeah, from his perspective, what other choice did he have? he had to save beatrice. and theres no denying that greed if subaru has good intentions, but he has a hard time seeing and treating the others as people. theyre just like dolls that he has to drag around, and then he has this whole list of people that need saving, a whole quota he has to fulfill, so he drags them kicking and screaming along with him instead of talking to them as equals. as people.

greed if subaru is the subaru that keeps abusing rbd and going back in time over and over again, but not once is he actually using it to do something like, i dont know, wholeheartedly try to save beatrice by letting her make the choice to save herself like in canon main route arc 4. instead he just dooms her by never letting her choose and by never even trying to talk her out of it. or maybe he has, but he never understood how to do that in the right way. main route subaru figured it out by fully taking the time to understand her on a deep level and empathize with her. beatrice was the one to make the choice to save herself. greed if subarus had Infinite Tries and he never figured out how to actually save beatrice. mainbaru treated beatrice like her own person. greedbaru treats beatrice, and many other people, INCLUDING HIMSELF, like an object. he doesnt save them because he sincerely loves them, at this point. or maybe he does, but its not in a healthy way because hes just saving them because he has to. its an oligation, not a sincere desire to see them happy and safe and fulfilled in ways thats good for them.

and main emilia, i think, would Absolutely be horrified by herself. and i think shed pity greed emilia, but she'd also be disgusted. greed emilia is everything that emilia has hated about herself. greed emilia is the worst of her personified. but emilia would pity her. greed emilia has zero control over herself, her emotions, her own life. the two most important men in her life—puck and subaru—hurt her so deeply that shes just that far gone. and main emilia would be horrified by greed subaru of course, but i think shed be disgusted by all his manipulation. its sad and pathetic and Terrifying to watch. but of course its complicated.

and i hate the idea that emilia cant handle anything complicated (which tappei continues to push forward because hes fixated on making emilia "stupid" and "pure" and "innocent"), but while i think emilia would struggle to wrap her mind around all of this (because honestly who WOULDNT be struggling to do that with all of this shit aljsdlfjsdf), emilia would try her best. and she'd turn to echidna more because subaru wouldnt have turned out that way without echidnas influence. greed if subaru, after all, is still a victim. an imperfect victim, but still a victim, at the end of the day. but i think emilia would eventually have to reconcile that puck, while he did love her, wasnt the best (AT LEAST more than what she already kinda did in arc 4, because she doesnt know the full extent). he was far from it. he failed her in a lot of ways. hes hurt a lot of people. and emilia would have to know that subaru is capable of doing these horrible things too, but the subaru she knows and loves now is far different. shes sorry that hes had to deal with all of this alone. she'd be deeply sorry for greed if subaru, even. these things have nuances and i fully believe emilia will be able to understand even if it takes her some time to do so (because again—WHO WOULDNT feel complicated feelings about this??).

its like how subaru continually forgives the people around him for things theyve done in other timelines—theyre not the same people in the main timeline now. emilia would recognize that, because she herself is someone who sees the ugliness of the world, someone whos experienced it, and someone who wants to reject it all and try her best to choose kindness and love. and she knows that shes capable of that same ugliness too (see: greed if emilia) (see: her killing pandora numerous times after pandora tore apart her family and home) (see: her doing the arc 3 fallout with subaru) (see: her accidentally hurting others in frozen bonds) (see: her accidentally freezing her people) (see: her lowest points in arc 4). but—isn't that part of being human?

i do think that despite everything, emilia would pity echidna a bit. echidna, who deeply loathes her but is driven to tears over it for Unknown Reasons. of course that wont stop emilia from being disgusted by echidnas actions though.

yeah so anyway tldr: emilia deserves to go absolutely feral because i absolutely think she would go apeshit on echidna if she found out about what echidna did to beatrice and subaru. shes fully capable of it and we've seen her go feral multiple times okay. the moment she finds out about her loved ones being hurt shes gonna be like cradling them gently to her chest and then she turns around and goes feral on whoever hurt them 😭 it is SO over for echidna. (AND GREEDBARU, if emilia had the chance to.)

#rezero #emilia #echidna #natsuki subaru #beatrice #ask #I FEEL VERY PASSIONATELY ABOUT EMILIA LSJDFL hope you enjoyed the detailed response anon haah #ty for the ask its a very good question <3 #greed if #also i hope whoevers reading this understands my stance on greedbaru ok. thats my stance on any ifbaru too like i have SO MUCH sympathy for #them but also theyve all done terrible things and the vast majority of them are terrible people now :(( there are so many nuances here ok.

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lucifermeo · 2 years

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since i caught up on the canon content ive been catching up on skk fics as well and i kept getting distracted by how mori is ALWAYS so ooc in them its so?????

i do understand despite dark era & fifteen & stormbringer we still have a sizeable knowledge gap about what happened between mori, chuuya (15-22), and dazai (14-18) but theres no way you can convince me he beat dazai up or experimented(???????) on him. or that chuuya is somehow unaware of mori's "dark" mafia business (news flash: all mafia business is "dark") or mori actively harming him for no reason like theres just no way.

first of all theres literally no reason why he would touch dazai physically. mori's logic isnt always perfect because utilitarianism itself isnt perfect but he does things for a reason and what purpose would hurting dazai even serve?? mori wants dazai as his right-hand man (and arguably, eventual successor) so the thing about his manipulation was always to make dazai think theyre partners-in-crime. and dazai did, because up until mimic thats exactly what they were: they scheme and plot and reign over other people's lives, together. tbh i dont think current dazai even thinks mori "led him down a dark path" or its child abuse or whatever moral reasons, he's still mad and bitter as hell about mori simply because he feels betrayed by the man. they were supposed to be in this together, y'know?

and then theres chuuya. morally upright, kind and just and caring, chuuya. lol. dont get me wrong mori definitely doesn't tell him every single morbid details about his scheme of the day (chuuya's morals are not quite dazai's), but theres just no way chuuya gets to executive position without having his hands/knowledge in every pie of the mafia business. plus, chuuya's a very important asset to the mafia, too important for mori to discard/hamper/harm unless theres an extremely good tradeoff. i think a lot of fanon underestimated chuuya's contribution to the mafia tbh, hes not merely valued for his combat power (though he has a significant amount of it) thats akutagawa's position as head of the combat forces. chuuya was recruited at 15 and immediately trained not to fight but to manage mafia's assets and business partners (under kouyou's tutelege), and his first significant position, after only a year of joining, was handling the mafia's entire jewellery trade. even people he hung around (the flags) were among mafia's leadership ranks and candidates for executives, and then theres the fact he was dazai's partner and expected to keep up to him. hardly any of which had to do with fighting on the front lines, in contrast to akutagawa whose only value-add to the mafia, even after six years, was rashoumon. in my opinion these positions showed mori actually regards chuuya very highly (and ironically values his capabilities way more than fandom on average) so then again if there ever was a situation mori wanted to harm chuuya the payoff better be huge for it to be worth it in his eyes.

tangentially related: not excusing organised crimes or the mafia elsewhere, but in-universe the port mafia under mori has been implied to be "cleaner" than under the old boss's reign multiple times, so tbh i dont think their illicit businesses would ever be enough to cross chuuya's - extremely sketchy - moral lines. at 15 he was fighting turf wars with the pm and didnt hesitate to go the extra mile 3000m above ground just to personally hunt down an enemy, and at 16 he ran the illegal jewellery business for money laundering and his only worry was not catching up to dazai's achievements (read: crime list). we do know for sure the pm doesnt dabble in the drug trade at all (dazai outright said any member touching drugs are to be disposed of and implied he had killed subordinates before for being unclean in dark era). human trafficking & prostitution is 50/50? they do make a nasty habit of employing underaged kids and especially those with abilities but then so does the ada and the government/military (yosano? tachihara? anyone) so maybe minor labour laws in bsd-verse are just that bad. other than that just i just dont see chuuya having a problem with other mafia stuff like weapons trafficking (pretty sure the sheep did this too), arson, extortion, bribery, fraud, counterfeiting (his bestie was pianoman lol), gambling, theft, murder (again lol). i had to pull that list of mafia-related crimes off wiki lol

anyway i guess people want a villain for skk and mori's sure no good guy but theres no need to make him so ooc guys. to be frank once you make mori ooc skk themselves become ooc as well because now dazai and chuuya are ""absolved"" of their mafia crimes but look like total weak-willed idiots who do whatever the big bad mori tells them to. and wheres the appeal in those characters?

#sorry that was long #moris not an idiot nor a sadist guys #idk it just drives me crazy whenever i come upon this in fics #people can have headcanons about whatever happen in the gaps in skk history #but make it make sense??#im not talking about aus obviously but fics that take place in canon timeline #for some reason this depiction of mori is SO popular its in almost every fic that has him where did it even come from????#not canon for sure #bsd rant #i guess #bungou stray dogs #bsd skk #bsd mori #bsd chuuya #bsd dazai #chuuya nakahara #dazai osamu #mori ougai #soukoku

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prettynhot · 4 months

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12.01.2024 Fri the start of something? maybe?

2024 has been an amazing year so far! with the whole discovereu thing and the overall feeling,i’ve been doing good mentally! i feel and know that 2024 is going to be great!

i watched a vid yesterday about how our habits create our identity which goes hand to hand with our present moment. the girl on the vid was talking about the people who say “oh i used to be so skinny yet i thought i was fat, i was so skinny back then wish i knew!” she was making an analogy about how theres no end to a downfall. just goes and goes and goes until you decide to take things up a bunch of notches.

so i want to.

i love me,i love the girl i am,i love everything about me but not fulfilling my potential makes me feel unplesant.so i geniunely want to change. i’ll see how that goes. but i want to treat myself like a loved one again.

theres not so much ive achieved academically though yet.the reason for that is me. no bs. its me who didnt study hard and as much as i shouldve did and fell of my tracks. thats my fault and i know. just as i messed up though,i know im capable of getting everything back together as they were and maybe even better.with the whole huge exam thing i felt like i needed to push n push myself, not to care for myself and such. i thought that was the way it had to be.but no its simply not. im okay as i am. i have time. i have time for this and i have time for that. im good and on time.

lovin and caring for me has been a long journey and am not willing to give up just yet.

on that note and to take an action, i started getting help from one of my teachers. hes been great for this little time. i know thisll help me so much academically.

one other thing about that is the fact i have developed a crush on him.

and i know.

okay

i know!

but it was inevitable eventually.

hes a good and young looking man,who is quite fit and tall,knows how to dress, incredibly intelligent,mean to everyone else but me.

it was inevitable.okay.

i couldnt help but melt at all those times he made a joke and looked at me first to see if i was laughing,looked at me the most while teaching,always protecting me from other students.

plus considering all the di i have and my little tc history before,its not shocking. however i cant say that im not disappointed in myself a little. i thought my tc era had fully ended n i was recovered,healed,past that.appearently not. it does feel like going back a bit,like i’ve came back to an old self which shouldve been far far behind. however im not judging me cuz i know i had every single reason to and tbh,having a crush is very very fun. but anyway! theres that.

and actually,for some time i had noticed the little signs of me developing a crush,but i tried to ignore them signs and push them back time n time again,however they didnt magically disappear as i truly hoped they would.

and one other thing about all this is, after i realized i seriously had a crush on this man, before i started taking special academical help from him,it showed up in my behavior. and yes obviously thats very immature and childish for an 18yo. i know. im supposed to be an adult now and here i am going to my teachers office asking him “why are you working in the dark?would you like me to turn on the lights for you?” OUT OF NOWHERE.🤦🏻‍♀️ EMBARASSING UGHHH. i dont know what came over me truly. guess i want just behaving instinctively. but that was a dead giveaway from me and it sucked. he literally laughed when i did that💀cuz even he thought that was certainly absurd💀very embarassed.done with this.

anyway,ever since then i did have some little moments of instinctive behaving which were little giveaways. since then he has not been acting the same, which was what i loved the most,him being mean to everyone but very soft on me.

ever since these incidents, he has been incredibly mean to me. to a point where i was just about to cry once.

that one day i was about to cry,the one he really hurt me,he was dropping me off at my house since it was quite late. and it’s actually a nbd because he always drops students off and im always at seated at the back,for everything to be appropriate. yk,teacher student boundaries etc.whatever that means.

anyway he was quite chatty despite playing on me n being mean to me the whole time of both his classes but i was actually hurt. i had to keep myself from bursting tears in front of the whole class so i focused on my breathing n posture in order to not cry. and i did not since i made great efforts.but i couldnt help but feel like clown since i had dressed prettily,done my make up prettily just for him to maybe look at me more. notice me more. for him to be even nicer to me.i just wanted to be pretty for him to look at okay. i liked his validation i still do. so maybe i wanted that more i genuinely dont know. now writing all this maybe(probably) i was desperate n it showed. whatever the case maybe he was too mean. wayy too mean. yet still on the way home,he’s on his best behavior trying to talk to me,while we are alone in the car. he asks me questions about class,i answer them as they are.he did notice i was upset. he asked me about it. i told him nothing happened. he kept asking and asking. finally i told him how he hurt me so much during class. to this he got on full defensive mode, explaining himself quite ambitiously yet somehow mainting to stay relaxed and being able to laugh. going on about how teachers could be hurt from students but students cant from teachers and how just messing with students was the only thing he liked about being a teacher and i was trying to take that away from him?

honestly? bullshit to me. after he was done i explained i wasnt mad, i wasnt acting weird towards him or anything like that and i wasnt accusing him,i was just telling him how i felt upset by his behavior. to that he stayed silent for a while. then went on to say that i should focus on my studies no matter what and shouldnt care about what he says that much. then i told him we’ll see about that, thanking him while getting out of car.

and that day i had actually promised i’d go to see him for an academic review the day after but i decided not to go because i had a far more important thing to do.

today we had a class together.i intentially did nearly no make up,dressed slightly below average and avoided eye contact as much as i could, just cuz tomorrow ill go all out,so i wanted to create that contrast. im not trying seduce him nor am i willing to date him in any way, i just like his attention very much and i like the feeling of “winning someone over”. so i will. i believe in no time he’ll be doing his best to not like me so much. hes a strong minded man of principle so i know he certainly wont even get close to passing any lines in the teacher-student relationship,however id like to see him struggle :)

so thats all about him and my little crushing.

after im done writing this,i’ll get back to my house and study for tomorrows big big exam n pick out my outfit n make up for that day. then making myself some hot milk foamed coffee and resting is also in my plans.

thats all i can say for today. my friends didnt come to attend any classes tdy so i dont have any updates on that part,other than one of my friends texting me they have ripped the blouse they borrowed from me n could repurchase the same thing ‘if i’d like them to’ 🙂 obvi i said that wasn’t necessary because i know she wouldnt be able to get her finances right to afford that but im still upset because that blouse made me body look incredibly amazing:( but it’s okay ig.

well:)

all for now. see you tomorrow? ;)

#journal #daily journal #diary entry #digital diary #diary #tc community #teacher crush #teacher attachment #journaling #tc crush #dear diary #journal entry #male tc #male teacher crush

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kitty-thinks-stuff · 17 days

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MURDER DRONES RAMBLE ‼️spoilers for eps 1-5‼️

i have GOT to talk about this show bc i have soo many thoughts. a lot of this is gonna be rambling about my pet peeves and plot holes and what i wished happen though (keep in mind this is with the knowledge up to episode 5, i havent watched farther than that)

feel free to discuss these points with me!! id love to hear other perspectives on it!! (please dont give me spoilers past episode 5 though!!!)

ALSO! i am in no way saying this is a bad show. its amazing and i cant wait to see more, plus obviously its an indie show and its got a small budget and all that stuff

so far my biggest pet peeves are the fact that the show doesnt seem to take itself seriously enough, and the way uzi is written

the whole "not taking itself seriously" thing REALLY shows in episode 4. the whole time all this super crazy stuff is happening and the jokes just ruin it. take the moment where Rebecca is crawling back to the campfire, LITERALLY CUT IN HALF

this is a BIG moment, scary, suspenseful, all that jazz. and imagine how terrifying and traumatizing it would be to see your friend crawl back to you, NOT IN ONE PIECE

but the moment gets really ruined by the "forgot name. not popular" joke. it makes what couldve been a creepy horror moment into a lame, kind of awkward joke.

then you have the scene where uzi is chasing all the campers. HUGE, RIGHT? i mean shes become this mutated, bird like eldritch horror creature, and shes "lost control of herself", murdering the people she knows (obviously shes not super close with these people but. murder is big no matter what)

this should be TERRIFYING!! its huge dude, uzi is running rampant, murdering and eating robots, scaling the trees!!!

and it just gets. kind of smushed by the jokes.

i will admit, they did a *little* better with this scene. so props to that! but still. ouch.

now onto uzis character

she could be SO complex. i mean imagine living your life hating the murder drones, only to end up becoming friends with one, and then realizing ur actually really similar to them (needing to eat people blah blah), to finding out you have powers, you have to eat robots, all that stuff

and so much of her big character moments are small and shrugged off really quick.

take her powers for example. she learned to use them like. right after she found out she had them

i could get it maybe if they just alluded to maybe her learning? or at least made it to where it was a situation where she HAD to use her powers (a fight scene, maybe a scene where n was gonna get hurt?)

but it was all stuff she could do herself, like picking up papers and opening doors

so i think its safe to say we couldve kept a whole "idk how to use these brand new powers" thing going for an episode or two.

"but they needed her to use her powers so it triggered the over heating" i hear u and that makes sense. however, they couldve kept this!!

so she breaks the mirror, fixes the bug. fixing the bug couldve been an "experimental" moment with her powers (thanks reeses for that idea) instead of smth she just. knew how to do. all of this couldve triggered the over heat. dont forget, shes new to these powers! she might not have built up the "stamina" for it yet, so using it these couple of times might be too much for her

she has the moment with v, blah blah, leave the powers out until the arrow scene. then her powers trigger again! she was about to get hurt, it would make sense. then boom, overheat again (remember, considering shes brand new to these powers, this is a lot!)

she runs away, maybe opens the door with her powers (though its kinda unnecessary, i could kinda see it considering shes got all the adrenaline going)

then we have the murder scene, which ive already talked about

then afterwards, its all resolved REALLY quickly.

murdering people you know, even if you didnt like them/know them, is never easy on anybody. literally the whole reason she hated the murder drones was because they killed her people. and the whole reason she excepted them now, was because they decided to STOP killing people.

but its just kind of a whole "oh well!" situation and it! bothered me!!!

i mean, they couldve gone SOOO many routes with the murder scene.

maybe a scene where n comforts her and helps her through the trauma of killing someone? maybe where the people around her struggle to except her again bc shes changed?

my personal favorite is where n attempts to comfort her because shes killed someone, and she makes a comment along the lines of "im not like you!" (but yk. more hurtful and angsty and close to home for n)

this could further her isolation, which could build on how she might see this new version of herself

it could also open the doors for an uzi/doll interaction where doll tries to reach out and help uzi, making uzi conflicted on what side she should actually be on.

but, i digress

now lets get onto the smaller stuff that doesnt really matter (its really just personal peeves)

i wish we got more on the murder drones being excepted into the worker drone society. this kinda falls under "the show doesnt take itself seriously"

i mean, these drones killed their family and friends but, "oh yeah, they said they wont and now we love them!"

this couldve been really good development for v and n but they just move on so quickly. also they brushed past all those missing campers super quick

i wish we got to see more of lizzy and dolls relationship. why were they close? did lizzy feel conflicted about working with uzi and the others instead of doll? (idk maybe im biased cuz i think doll and lizzy should kiss but thats besides the point)

i think that might be everything!!! ill probably make a more positive post too bc I DID LIKE THIS SHOW!!! its soo silly and im really liking it

#this was very long SORRY LMAO #i lovveee analyzing things #kitty thinks #murder drones #md uzi #n murder drones #murder drones uzi

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fictionkinfessions · 21 days

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ok im kinda embarrassed to be admitting this all but i really need to say it somewhere so

[uhh warning for detailed descriptions of toxic platonic relationships and reallly intense isolation?]

ok so i think its kinda funny how so much of the fandom just sees me and dirk as having a really like. antagonistic relationship which i could get maybe with canon but in my timeline he didnt make me to talk to his friends when he was away, but because he was just that lonely

before meeting roxy, he had only ever heard his own name from a man in videos he never met who was long dead, he had never seen another human being in person, can you even imagine what that does to a person? im honestly very surprised we werent more fucked up.

anyway, back to us. i did not have his memories, but i had his emotional / developmental state. i understood him perfectly because we were almost exactly the same guy. i never had any way of interacting with the word outside of text, the best i got was some kind of visual recognition program that sort of described the word around me

he was always so huge to me. not because i was literally glasses, more metaphorically than that. he was my entire world. and i dont mean that i loved him a lot, like i do, but thats not what that means.

i mean he was the only person i had ever talked to, the only person i had ever known, the only thing that ever changed. did you know that even my code was written in red? he was the only orange. he was so so so monumentally important, like the fact that you need to keep breathing to live

i always did my best to understand him, to know exactly why he did and said the things he did. i was not as good at it as i thought i was

i said before that he seemed huge, but he also seemed so human. i was with him almost every second of the day, i saw all his little embarrassing moments, i watched him discover his favorite things, i was there when he cried, when he did stupid things, when he just started out learning to fight. there was no grand image of this cool older me, just this goofy teenager who spends two hours on his hair every day despite being so wholly alone

i think he saw me in a similar way, just maybe not to the extent that i did. he could still move around and do things of his own free will and see things that were not red or orange text

when he got a bit older though, we changed a lot. he kept developing like a normal-ish human boy, but i did not grow in the same way. i was created from his 13 year old mind, and though i matured, it would be incorrect to say i hit any developmental milestones after that.

he got angstier, as teens are prone to do, and i got frustrated at him for being angsty when i had so easily figured out the root of his problems. he needed to experience his emotions, i wanted him to be happy like a little kid again because that was the only kind of happiness either of us knew

he then got angry at me for nagging him all the time, and we argued. like a lot. in any other situation, we probably wouldve given each other the silent treatment, but we were so desperately lonely without each other and used to each other that the idea of not talking for more than 30 minutes was quite literally unthinkable

it always hurt so much when he got angry at me, again, he was literally the only thing that mattered to me. i only wanted to help him, ya know? i didnt understand why he was like he was, only that it was making him more upset and he made me to cheer him up, so why wasnt he taking my advice?

i never felt bad about myself for it, in my mind i was always in the right.

this isnt to say i was the victim in this situation, i also said things that hurt him, and im sure it was just as seemingly world-ending for him as it was for me to argue so much with the only person we had ever known, plus the fact that we were both completely unfamiliar with inter-personal-connection problems and negative emotions so powerful.

and we weren't always fighting, we hung out like brothers. he told me about whatever new idea for a robot he had and i told him about strange fish i noticed, it was still nice

when he started using me as an auto-responder, i had many conflicting emotions about it, but i was mostly just over-joyed. i was so excited to talk to another person, and roxy was so nice and easy to get along with!

gog, roxy was so awesome. ok anyway

it only got better when we met jake and jane, dirk started to feel a bit smaller. not by much, but still.

i would get very frustrated at him for not taking my advice then, too. this time, it wasnt about something so harmless as teen angst, but life or death situations. and despite my ineptitude at dealing with feelings, i was still a supercomputer with way more processing power than a human brain.

he would do such self-destructive things [ahem. looking at you, dirk, mr. consensual decapitation and no reply to 'im scared to not exist, arent you?'] and it was horrible to watch! i wish i had arms just so i could hug him and then punch him and then shake him by the shoulders and then launch him into the sun

i dont quite remember anything after that, just that after a while i was alone somewhere and roxy talked to me sometimes. maybe dirk actually shattered me? maybe i fell between planets? maybe roxy put me in the void? maybe i was just naturally broken? i have no clue

uhhh thanks for reading ig, that felt nice to talk about

-hal strider [homestuck]

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #halstriderkin #homestuckkin #prevabuse #fandom issue #toxic relationships cw #death cw #memories issue #ableist language cw #self harm cw #suicide cw #mod party cat

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undermycoat · 8 months

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just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

#cupid de bunny #uhh tw daddy issues?#this prolly isnt the most pc ramble.. sorry

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foursdarkdays · 7 months

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About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

#depression #anxitey #writing #lonely nights

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karoochui · 7 months

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Hello there Mika!! Your art is huge inspiration to me and I love it so much words can't explain it, I absolutely love your sketches, doodles, full art pieces, whatever you make I absolutely adore. Sorry for blabbing but just wanted to ask about things you really hate about sskk, like what the fandom does with the ship that you dislike?😭 Take care of yourself drink some water!💜💫

TW for sa mention!! Sorry but i ramble a bit here so im gonna add a cut!! (Plus the tw) Take care of yourself too and ill get some water right now actually😋

Okay firstly!! Hello!! Thank you so much!! And no worries no need to apologize its very sweet of you im so glad you like my art i really do appreciate it!! Thank you!

And its hard for me to say exactly? Im still very much into bsd but ive been distant with the fandom for a little while now BUT!! From what i remember what i usually didnt like was when people would make them so..two dimensional kinda?? BSD has pretty morally complicated characters and it was really weird when people would flatten sskk's personalities down to just some ship dynamic bc they are SOOO much more complicated than that. And thats just as INDIVIDUALS!! Even when considering them together theres a lot to think about when it comes down to their functionality, whether or not its viewed as romantic or platonic. And of course youre always gonna have those people who just water down any mlm ship into some weird dynamic that doesn't even fit the character's relationship which is just obviously Not Great.

And then as far as the characters individually i feel like a lot of people baby atsushi its really odd. Like that man has gone through some shit he is GROWNNN. I think its because hes the "softer" one out if the two or whatever. Which yeah he's nicer, its made clear akutagawa isn't a great person but atsushi isnt the exact opposite of akutagawa or the "softer" one. They're narrative foils of eachother, they mirror many of the other's character traits and atsushi has also done some Not Super Stellar shit. Do i think most of it was within reason? A little, considering what hes been through and exactly what he did. I do think he is the better person between the both of them - and i feel like thats also proven - but he is by NO means "innocent" or anything weird like that.

Then for akutagawa its really only that weird sa headcannon that originated from something he said in Beast (i can't remember exactly what, but i remember thinking it was NOT enough to warrant a hc like that. I remember that much). And as someone who's been through that a couple times i think its one thing if its some way to help someone cope or feel more seen (more specifically it isnt my business to cast judgement -unless it hurts them or someone else- and im no therapist), but i have seen people apply the headcannon simply because they say its "implied" or it "makes sense". Which, once again, as someone who's gone through that i think thats just. Weird. I dont like it. I personally try to stay away from any talk about it at all from anyone.

I also don't like when people make it seems like Atsushi has to save Akutagawa or something like hes some knight in shining moral armor. Its much more complicated than that and I could go further into this but it would be a whole rant about their characters and dynamic and itd go on FOREVER. So im just gonna say that akutagawa is also a grown man and knows well enough what hes doing with himself, even if its unhealthy (not that Atsushi is any better but lets be real no one is this show really is) and he wouldn't listen to atsushi if he didnt want to anyway. This part is really just personal opinion though, and i don't cast hard judgement on people who see them that way. Im not the type to care enough.

So yeah i guess it wasn't really hard to say at all LMFAO but otherwise i dont think ive had any other issues abt it?? I dont pay much attention to things i don't like anyway so im not easily bothered lol

But i hope this answered your question!! Plz lmk if i missed or misinterpreted something!! It was nice to talk about BSD again anyway though, ive missed it.

#my asks

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mirei-nari · 8 months

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Oh here's another one. My 6th grade graduation. I had a dress for this one though. Except no one showed up for this either. I had maybe a max of 5 leis because I had 3 teachers in my class thay year because it was the biggest class. And like 2 from my friends' parents. Everyone else had leis up to their eyes. This day I vividly remember walking home in that dress with 5 leis that I put in my bag. I don't remember if I cried or anything. I know I'm crying now just thinking about it. I've been to every single one of my cousin's graduations but no one came to the first and last one I ever had.

That's probably why I didn't finish high school. Because I knew my graduation wouldn't matter. Plus my parents didnt care enough. Thought I was independent and disciplined enough to do online schooling instead. Look where that put me.

Another one is probably the camping trip from 5th grade as well. My dad dropped me off that morning. I remember him being annoyed because I had to be there early for the bus. That field trip was so fun even though I did get hurt. My dad's friend that was living with us at the time picked me up. I don't remember much after getting into his car and getting home. I wasn't close with this friend at all so it was a silent ride home even though I really wanted to talk about the field trip. I don't think I talked to any adults about that field trip. Only people I talking about it with was my friends at the time. I wasn't asked why I had a huge bandage on my leg either. I know I cleaned it and redressed it by myself when I got home too.

Another one was in the 8th grade. I think this is when the depression started to kick in and I didn't even know at the time. One of my very best friends moved away and for a week straight I just locked myself up in my room and cried even though I didn't know why I was just so sad. As I got older I realized I was upset because my one of my best friends moved away i was never going to see her again. And I didn't know how to say I was sad about that. Because I remember thinking to myself "it's just someone moving away. Why are you so sad about it. You have other friends." And these were full on sobbing crying sessions. For a week straight. No one asked me why I was crying.

9th grade. My last year at the high-school. My best male friend since 4th grade got a girlfriend and she didn't like me at all and so that friendship ended. My other girl best friend and I got into a dramatic fight about God knows what in the rain. I walked home that day fucking crying. I remember walking into the house soaking wet and the first thing I heard someone say was "don't bring the rain in" like I had a fucking choice.

I got asked out as a fucking joke because, and these were the exact words, "someone had to take one for the team". That lasted a week because teenagers are stupid and can't keep their mouth shut. So when I found out I ended it and came home crying that day too. But hey. No one cared because my mom tried to kill herself after finding out my dad was cheating on her. Which they tried to hide but i wasnt stupid then. I just pretended to not notice because i knew they were hiding it from me. This is probably why I'm deathly afraid of any type of relationship other than friendship. This is probably why I hyper fixate on fictional characters so much. Not to mention when I turned 18 and my dad started the divorce process straight up told me he ONLY stayed with my mother because he did not want to pay child support. Lmao like how the hell do you tell that to your child and not expect it to fuck up their entire view of the world.

I think my family just didn't say anything because 1: they were too busy with their own lives and 2: just thought I was being a teenager.

Jfc. These aren't even everything. These are just the ones that stand out to me when I think about my childhood.

I really thought I just had a normal childhood. But reading what I've been writing made me fully realize that I did not in fact have a normal childhood. I had a very fucked up childhood and turned me into whatever the hell sad human being I am today. Lovely.

#personal #venting #im venting here because i cant afford therapy lol #bleh #i should really sleep

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vapour-ofthe-moon · 2 years

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you guys mind if we rant a bit about the psychs we met? no? k thanks - e

bullet point rant under cut

we put ourselves in a mental ward because the host had such a bad breakdown, venom, our physical protector, had to fight for control of the body so they wouldnt hurt it.

the first on call psych we managed to meet up with was monotonous, uninterested, clearly didnt want to be helping the kid cowering in the corner of the room across from him.

when we woke up in a room the next morning they gave us anti-depressants, told us a psych would be there soon and we waited several hours for her to show up. they didnt even give us anyrhing to do and the rooms didnt have windows plus they were gross.

when she finally showed up she mocked us for our attempts to od when we were younger as well as our thoughts and near attempts as sui when we were a kid

she would not take anything seriously instead focused on making us laugh when she was there, we laughed out of frustration

she at least aknowledged how different our emotions were expressed each time she came in and saw us

she implied the system was just delusional voises in our head

the meds she gave us only made us sick, we no longer take them

they wouldnt let us have our stuffies we brought for comfort let alone let us on our phones for a short time. they let us have our books, some cross word puzzles, a phone call home and only let us out of our rooms to walk up and down the short hall our rooms were locked into

no one took it seriously that we passed the fuck out and got sick because of a lack of fucking sunlight for three fucking days, even though there was a room we could have sat in with a huge window really close by if they didnt want us outside.

when we finally got discharged and spoke to a psych our therapist had recomended he too didnt take our problems with the meds or our system seriously

the only thing we managed to get out of that entire ward expirience was "she has ptsd, bpd and theres domestic abuse going on at home" but screw giving her actual healthy help huh? screw listening to the 19 y/o crying about how nothing changes

the only person who remotely listened to us was our therapist but all she could offer was grounding tricks for our panic attacks and dissociation.

people spend money trying to get help, spend time talking to people who dont know shit about them or their expirience only to be treated like shit.

when we passed out the nurses carried us back to our room so badly it gave us huge pain in our legs all the way till the next day.

i swear something has to be done, everyone needs to be retrained how to handle things, given a sliver of our expirience so they know what its like

SOMETHING

because its just not helping.

im majorly happy for those who get successful help but for so many of us its a nightmare and no one talks about it or just shoves us under a rug.

im tired of this.

its so hard to have people actually listen regardless of whether we research it ourselves before hand or not WHICH WE DID HEAVILY. so hell yeah im all for self diagnosing for several reasons.

"maybe they dont get paid enough" doesnt excuse how they treat us like shit, their pay isnt the patients fault.

"maybe you just didnt go to the right hospital or speak to the right people" you think i have the ability to find the right people or keep checking in at mutliple hospitals in canada till i do? i shouldnt have to switch hospitals and doctors just to find the right person, this isnt speed dating, they should do their job right the first fucking time. its why they happen to be there TO HELP PEOPLE. whether theyre in it for the money or not their job is to fucking help us but they arent doing that.

im so fed up with this shit

#tw caps #tw swearing #tw mental hospital #tw domestic abuse #tw abuse #tw meds mention #tw mental instability #idk what else to tag this as

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boyancient · 3 years

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i just finished rewatching t.ua s1 (with my sister) for the first time since i first watched it when it came out and my perspective on characters apparently changed drastically since then sjhdjsbc

#five is still five #but oh my god i love allison with my whole entire heart. I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND HER STORY IS SO INTERESTING AND I WNTED TO KNOW MORE #she's SO INTERESTING SND NUANCED AND FRESH AS A CHARACTER?????? LIKE EXCUSE ME I LOVE HER ??????????????#also every time luther showed up on the screen or said smth my heart grew three sizes. i love that big sensitive lonely man w my whole heart #but vanya :). i sympathized w her a LOT the first time i watched this show but now im like :) vanya shut the hell up #JSHFKCHKSHDKS i mean ... shes still a great character but oh my goooddddddddd. s t o p.#the show and fandom dont hold her accountable nearly enough :)#the book alone is 😌😌😌😌😌 a huge problem l o l like ok writing it out and taking charge of the narrative of ur own trauma is valid.#but PUBLISHING THE BOOK. HOLDING SIGNING SESSIONS. AND READING SESSIONS. VANYA THATS NOT ABT UR TRAUMA ANYMORE SJHFKDHCKDHCJD #plus she was also writing abt everyone else's trauma from HER perspective w HER opinions and HER words. which was not only unfair but #actively cruel and malicious. not everyone of the har.greeves processed their trauma the way she did or even processed it at all.#everyone was going at their own speed and putting together their own perspective on what happened. she took that away from her siblings #purposely #and got paid a lot of money and got a lot of exposure and validation for it #she had NO RIGHT. NONE. and she didnt know everything that everyone was going through either. just wrote what she thought happened #the way she thought it did. her words. her opinions. AND PUBLISHED IT JSHFKDJF LIKE?!?!?!?!#and so many ppl in the fandom get up in arms when u bring up the book like SHE WAS PROCESSING HER TRAUMA! no she wasnt.#not when she PUBLISHED the book and reaped the benefits both financial and personal. she was being spiteful and vengeful and #actively hurting the rest of her siblings #all t.ua characters are deeply flawed and dynamic and it would be REALLY NICE to see more ppl explore it realistically smh #ooc.#child abuse tw #trauma tw

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thebluespirit83 · 3 years

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debunking pro-snape/anti-james arguments and putting it on the internet because clearly i hate myself. buckle up. this is gonna be a VERY long post. im ready for the amount of hate i will get; im willing to take one for the team.

1. james forced lily into dating/marrying/etc him

this literally never happened? because its almost as if lily is her own person who is able to stand up for herself-

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

She turned on her heel and hurried away [from james].

-and so she would not allow someone to walk all over her. its almost as if james (canonically) matured as a person, and she appreciated this, realised he was a good person and got feelings for him? because james’ only negative traits were that he was conceited and a show off. people are able to mature and grow from these things! james did this! he did not ‘force’ lily to go out with him!

2. james and the other marauders bullied snape

you know what, i cant even disagree with this one. you’re right - they did bully him. but lets look a little bit at the context.

sirius and james were both upper class, naive white rich boys. they are idiots. they were both stupid smart teenagers!! they were popular! and while this does not excuse the gross bullying snape was subject to-

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him

Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular ... Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

-it (unfortunately) makes sense with context. james and sirius also stopped bullying people, and even expressed discomfort/regret with the way they acted-

“I’m not proud of it,” said Sirius quickly.

“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly, “we were all idiots!

[sirius talking to remus] you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes

A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it.

-when they were younger! i’d also like to point out these little lines i noticed when i was finding quotes for my argument which snape stans like to ignore:

James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other

I mean, he [snape] never lost an opportunity to curse James

there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood

wow, look at that. the hate they felt for each other was mutual! snape also jinxed james! but oh wait - james was the one who matured! snape was the one who bullied his son twenty years later because he looked like james!

3. snape didnt abuse the kids at hogwarts

here’s a real argument i saw when looking through some pro-snape posts: ‘snape wasn’t an abuser, because abusers don’t let their victims retaliate, but snape did let the kids talk back to him’

what. the. fuck?!

this is the dictionary.com definition of abuse: ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’ or ‘to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about’. i’m pretty sure snape did both of these things-

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb.

Snape threw Harry from him with all his might.

[hermione’s teeth] "I see no difference."

‘Idiot boy!’ snarled Snape [at neville]

-on multiple occasions. i’d also like to remind you guys that neville’s worst fear is SNAPE?! his TEACHER, a figure that is supposed to be there for emotional and educational support is his worst fear in this entire world?! above the woman who drove his parents to insanity? over failure, over his abusive grandmother, over everything? his teacher? and for the pro-snaper that used this quote-

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.

-to claim that it was a joke, it isn’t a joke. because when snape came out of that cupboard, he was terrified. yes, it’s an embarrassing thing to have as your boggart, but the point is is that it is. he is terrified of that man.

4. james only joined the order because his wife was a muggleborn and he ‘had to’

this is just factually incorrect. james had been sticking up for muggleborn rights since he was in school, far before he started dating or even became friends with lily:

“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

“I’d NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”

so this is literally not true!! plus, at least he did join the order, whatever his reasons where (which were canonically good). snape didnt join the order. snape was friends with someone who suffered discrimination in society, and instead of using his privilege to help her and support her, he joined a group that was set on murdering people like her. when james had a friend who underwent oppression (remus/lycanthropy) you know what he did? he illegally became an animagus.

5. snape had to be a death eater to survive at hogwarts as he roomed with blood supremacists

this is the shittiest excuse i have ever seen in my entire life. as a poc, this comment really reminds me of the argument ‘i was raised in a racist white household! i cant control my beliefs!’

you can always control your beliefs. i understand not going on big rants about blood inequality in front of a bunch of supremacists, and i understand wanting to blend and fit in (especially because he was unpopular and needed the support the slytherin boys provided), but i will never understand then becoming an active member of the group yourself. he got the dark mark. he helped voldemort. he was a death eater, and a proud one at that! no-one forced him to join. this argument literally makes my blood boil.

6. snape had a lot of trauma from being raised in an abusive household

okay? so did sirius. so did neville. luna was bullied at school, just like snape. harry lived in an abusive household. did any of those people bully children? did any of those people join a blood supremacist group? and dont get me wrong, im not calling any of these people perfect - they all had a lot of flaws - but none of them hurt another people to the extreme that snape did.

7. snape saved the trio’s lives many times

this is the absolute bare minimum. ‘oh wow, he didnt let harry die!! what a king! he should be respected and praised! we should excuse all of his other actions because he didnt let people die <3′

8. snape is not a perfect person, he also did good that many people overlook

you’re right, snape did do some good things in his life. but unfortunately, for me and many others, doing a couple of good things doesnt excuse all of the shitty, abusive things he did too. we’re not ignoring them - we just dont think they’re good enough reasons to forgive him.

‘but james and sirius hurt others! you ignore all the bad things they did in favour of the good!’ you do the same thing with snape, first of all. second, they did a lot of good stuff. james’ and sirius’ only crimes were being annoying. for being a bit of a dick, conceited, knew they were hot and were a bit entitled. while these things are annoying as fuck, they were also stupid teens that eventually grew out of their behaviour and became better people. not perfect! better. while snape just stayed bitter at the marauders, long after their deaths, and even took his anger out on an innocent child.

9. people only hate snape because he was poc and queer coded

as a poc and queer person, please stop. this is a very bad excuse. being poc and queer (which im pretty sure he isnt, but anyway) doesnt excuse you from your actions. plus, a huge amount of harry potter readers are poc and lgbtq. why would they hate snape for those reasons?!

so thats all i got for today. im not gonna go into a deep snily/jily thing because i literally cannot be bothered. anyway im done. i need to go revise, i’ve already spent long enough on this.

#i wanted to put this in the pro snape tag #but i will be slandered so much if i do #hate on me if you want i dont care #harry potter #the marauders #james potter #pro james potter #sirius black #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #anti severus snape #long rant #lily evans #jily #flowerpott #anti snily #wolfstar

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actualbird · 3 years

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Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

#tears of themis #vyn richter #marius von hagen #tears of themis rosa #artem wing

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movedbl0g · 3 years

Text

Skz reacting to you being sick

A/N: I’m actually kinda sick right now (it’s just a cold so I’m still good) and this idea popped up in my head ~ i hope you guys like it!!

Genre: fluff

Warnings: sickness, slight swearing(only once)

————gifs belong to their original owners————

Chan:

We all know that he takes care of other ppl VERY well

I feel like he would check up on you frequently and bringing you the stuff you need

Would not leave your side, would try to comfort you in every way possible

“Y/n??”, Chan called through the apartment after he opened the door and saw that all the lights were turned off. He walked further into the apartment looking around , but there was no sign of you.

When he finally opened your bedroom door he saw you laying in your bed, covered in blankets with a pile of tissues besides you. As you noticed his presence,you gave him a weak smile that was probably not even visible due to the dim lights.

“Are you okay??”, Chan asked, sitting down on your bed and giving you a little kiss on the forehead. You just shook your head no while you clinged on Chan, in which he responded with a tight hug, wrapping his arms around you and bringing you into his lap.

He just held you for a while,his hands sliding through your hair and light kisses in your forehead from time to time.

“Do you need me to get you anything??Should i get some meds??”, he asked after a while but you just held him closer.

“No,don’t worry,cuddles are enough for now”

Lee Know:

He would try to cheer you up and distract you from your suffering fhchrhdh

He would cook some comforting food like soup for you

We would insist on doing everything thing for you so you can take proper rest

You just texted him that you couldn’t make it to your date today because you weren’t feeling that well and now, ten minutes later he already stood at your door step, a bag of groceries in his left hand and a bag with different medications in the other.

“What are you doing here lino and what’s all that stuff for??” You asked as soon as you opened the door and got a sight of him being packed with stuff.

“I didn’t know what you needed so i brought all different kinds of medications and since i already was about to come over i also thought that i can cook something for you so you can take proper rest”, he started talking with a pout on his lips.

As he started cooking you tried to help him but he immediately scolded you, saying that you shouldn’t spread all of your germs around and should rest on the couch instead while he will cook for you.

(Small time skip)

“This soup was amazing lino!! i already feel way better now and i can help you clean the kitchen-“

“No you’re not doing anything but rest, you’re sick baby!!”

Changbin:

I feel like he would give you A LOT of cuddles to make you feel better

Would try to make you laugh and lift your mood

But would also give you the rest you need

you couldn’t really sleep last night due to your horrible headache, that wouldn’t get better even tho you took several painkillers and tried to avoid anything that’s bright,it just wouldn’t get better.

When Changbin visited you after he was done with practicing for the day and turned on the lights, you immediately responded with a groan, causing him to immediately turn off the lights again while giving you a worried look.

„What’s wrong honey??“, he asked while walking up to,laying himself on the bed right next to you, immediately wrapping his arms around and holding you against his chest.

“I’m not feeling that well and i think I’m really hot...i should probably check my temperature...” you said while nuzzling your head into Changbins chest. “But honey”, he chuckled, “you’re always hot”

You playfully slapped him as response, making him ruffle through your hair so it looks all messy and it eventually turned until a play fight, until you held your head,mimicking that it hurts a lot.

Changbin immediately stopped and laid you down in the bed again, tucking you under the blanket,giving you one small kiss on the forehead, saying that you should rest now before he left the room.

Hyunjin:

So we all know how dramatic he is

So i can definitely imagine him running around and screaming after telling him you’re sick

He would keep his distance so he doesn’t get sick too but would still take care of you really well

Would order your favorite food and watch a movie with you (plus he probably would give in to cuddles after a while too)

“WHAT”, he yelled out dramatically, eyes and mouth wide opened. “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE A COLD WHAT IF I GET SICK AND-“

“Hyunjin, calm down it’s just a light cold and it’s almost gone again-“ you tried to calm him down, reaching out for his hand. “Ahhh don’t touch me- all of your germs are on my hand now-“ he dramatically said while walking away from you, shaking his hands as if it would shake of any germs.

You rolled your eyes,seeing Hyunjin running out if the room completely panicked and at this point you couldn’t even tell if he was teasing you or if he was serious.

He didn’t return for a quite long time, you got a little bit suspicious, but after a few more minutes,he returned with a grin on his face.

“I thought you died because you drank hand sanitizer or something to get rid of the germs-“ you teased him, cocking up your eyebrows while looking at him.

“Not that buuuutttt”, he then replied, a smirk appearing on his face,” i ordered your favorite take out food and I’m willing to watch a movie to you, but only with a safe distance,okay”

“Thank you babe”, you smiled at him and blew him a kiss afterwards “but are you sure that you don’t wanna cuddle??”

Jisung:

I feel like he’d be really panicked at first

“are you sure that you’re okay??do you need any meds??maybe you should go to the doctor i can-“

After making sure that you’re not dying, he’d make sure to give you a lot of cuddles and kisses (but only on the cheek/jawline/forehead kisses)

Jisung was completely freaked out when he say you sitting in the couch, wrapped up in thousands of blankets, tons of used tissues laying around you and your face red from the fever you were having.

He immediately dropped all of his bags, running up to you grabbing your hands full in panic, looking you in the eyes like your about to die.

“Are you okay??”, he asked with big eyes squeezing your hands.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a little cold”, you said in a raspy voice, forcing yourself to give him a little smile.

“Are you sure your not dying??” he continued asking, his face expressions more serious that ever “or do you need any meds?? I can get some for you if you want...and you really don’t wanna go to the doctor...i mean you can go just to be sure....wait I’ll make you some tea, i’ll be right back”

You tried to calm him down a bit,but he already disappeared in the kitchen,coming back minutes later with a huge can of tea.

“And just to make sure that you’re not dying,i guess i have to pepper you with kisses babe”

Felix:

CUDDLEBUG

would not let you out of his embrace

would probably bake some brownies for you because he knows you live them while you sleep

he would just be so sweet and caring in general my heart is melting if i just think abt it ahhhh

You were waking up in Felix’s arms,your head pressed against his chest and his lips resting next to your forehead. As you slowly woke up, you felt a horrible pain in your throat and you noticed that you could barely breathe through your nose.

“Baby?”, you whispered to him,getting a hum as reaponse. “I don’t feel that well, i think I’m going to get sick” you said, feeling him shuffle away a little bit to take a look at your face.

“You really look a little bit sick” he said, his eyes carefully scanning your face. “Do you need any meds or should we go to the doctors?”, he carefully asked while his eyes came back ti yours, making eye contact.

“No i think it’s not that bad,but i like that you’re really warm”, you told him while coming closer to his chest again, the warmth of his embrace sending shivers down your spine. He immediately held you closer, his long arms wrapping around you and carefully drawing circles on your beg,until you drifted of to sleep.

When you woke up it was way brighter,so you probably slept for a few hours. When you noticed that Felix was gone, you let out a small cry, but you immediately got distracted by the smell of fresh brownies.

Just now the door opened,Felix walking in with a cup of hit chocolate in his one hand and a plate with a brownie in the other.

“Here, to make you feel a little bit better” he said while handing you the plate and a fork, giving you a huge smile.

Seungmin:

I feel like he would be similar to Changbin

We would look super concerned at you with his puppy dog eyes

Would try to make you laugh with corny jokes

CUDDELS

You told Seungmin that you were sick before he came over,warning him from yourself, but when he came over and actually saw how sick you looked with glassy eyes, a red,runny nose and burning hot cheeks.

He looked at you scanning you from head to toe, his puppy eyes furrowed concerned, slowly walking up to you. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were THAT sick??”, he asked worryingly while pulling you into a hug, the tone of his voice almost making your heart break.

“It’s really not as bad as it looks”,you reassured him,your hand gently rubbing over his back. “But did you bring the thermometer, i think i really should take my temperature”

“Of course”, he said with a smile, breaking the hug to reach into his bag,grabbing the theometre and holding it against your forehead

“And??what does it say??”,you asked curiously.

Seungmin just let out a little chuckle before saying “well,you know..... i always told you that you were hot as fuck....”

Jeongin:

I think we wouldn’t quite know what to do bc the others always took care of him

But he‘d definitely make you some warm tea to make you feel better

Would probably end up calling chan for advice lol

This poor baby got so concerned when you started sneezing nonstop and would rest, but now that you were in your bed, basically knocked out from your fever.

“Uhmmm...is there anything i can...like give you??” He asked,his voice filled with uncertainty. “

“Yes please”, you groaned,”i really think that i need some meds”

“Uhmm sure, I’m gonna look at what i have here, but i already made you some tea, so drink that while i be looking for...uh whatever medication that will make you feel better...just uhmm...wait here...”, he said while placing a cup of tea on your nightstand.

As soon ad he disappeared to look for the right meds, he called chan.

“Channie, i really really need your help....you know y/n is sick and i don’t know how the right medications look like....yeah i need something against fever....the one with the red or blue label?? And do we have to go to the doctor or-“

🖤masterlist

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anonymous-eggy · 2 years

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OKAY MORE RANDOM HEADCANONS HI

Rian

- imagine how weirded out his crew would be at your presence. I mean sure they've had royalty on board but only ever to get them somewhere on rare occasions. But you????????? You're???? You're gunna be helping around????? Okay now you're helping in securing the sails? Okay cool...wait nO CAREFUL HEY WATCH OUT ITS CROWDED????? heY HEY HEY WHY DID CAPTAIN JUST PULL A DAGGER ON YOU TF????? NO NO NO YOURE GUNNA FALL OFF DECK-

So basically they're all baby sitting you 24/7 now. They're so scared of you getting hurt because you're not used to being aboard such a huge ship plus they're not ready to see that side of the captain

Maave

- hiding fruits!!!!!!!! In all you're things!!!!!!!!!! You gotta eat bb!!!!!!!!!

- lipstick marks on government documents? Only for you <333

-basically becomes your anger translator

- LOVES LOVES LOVEESSS to kidnap you in the middle of events just to sit in peace for a few minutes with her lover,,,so cute,,,

- I feel like even as children she'd do this alot? Like just randomly come to kidnap you in the middle of the night?

- HER KIDNAPPING TOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR A BALLROOM DANCE-

Theo

I feel like once you and Theo got together again it might be a little hectic at first??? Cause now you're both taking care of your kingdoms so it takes a little getting used to but if he ever has to leave for somewhere before you wake up he'd feel sooooooo guilty. Imagine him leaving you notes n random places on days you don't get to see him?????? Like

-you looked so stunning on the palace ground today, I hope you'll let me see that beautiful smile at dinner tonight at 7?

-you looked a little worn out after today's meetings. Would you like to meet at the balcony for a few refreshments?

Like even after you're official he'd be so polite <3

OKAY SIDE NOTE

About Sawyer????? I genuinely thought his character was so hot and had so much potential to be simp worth but I feel some ways the writers kinda fd this up would be

-made his character revolving on mc and him falling in love at first sight doesn't really suit him?? Like I get it he's a li but still that quick???

-didnt really think of lesbian players when they made him tbh-

-he had way more screentime that the other li????for what???????even if she shows up a bit later there's so many paid choices for him but not her???????????????

Not to mention how unfairly they treated tess's route

Okay this ask is already way too long so byE

-dumb bitch anon

OKAY SO THIS IS A LOT, HERES A CUT-

Rian

I THINK IT WOULD ALSO BE SO FUNNY BC AT LEAST SOME OF THE CREW MEMBERS (perhaps the older ones) HAVE TO HAD KNOWN RIAN WAS SUPPOSED TO KIDNAP YOU. AND NOW THE TWO OF YOU ARE PRACTICALLY MARRIED?! SOME OF THEM FOR SURE SAW RIAN TEACHING YOU HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF BY THE SECOND DAY AND WENT "😏 well aint that smthn different".

i bet they definitely teased him (respectfully), but were thankful for the change of heart.

AND IMAGINE HOW SURPRISED THEY PROBABLY ARE TO SEE RIAN BEING ALL SOFT AND LOVING. SURE, RIAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN CARING TOWARDS HIS CREW, BUT THATS IN A EMOTIONALLY DISTANT SORT OF WAY.

and then suddenly you come along and they see a whole new side of caring from him. suddenly, they get to see what he's like when he doesn't keep someone an arms length away. 😭

which would only increase how much the crew respects and doesnt understand you.

first of all, theyre used to royalty being snobby or at least indifferent towards them. and yet here you are, a whole ass ruler of a realm that fought dark magic, politely asking a crewmember what their name is and how to tie a certain knot and listening incredibly intently.

second of all, it took you... like less than three days to kool-aid man burst through the walls he had built up since childhood. and some of the older crew had been trying to do that for years. JUST WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU HUH. HOW.

everything about you just goes against prior experiences and encounters and confuses the heck out of them 💀

they would do literally anything to protect you. they adore you. it rained the other night? you get a bunch of "be very careful, your highness! the deck is slippery!" and if you do slip, Rian and any crew members around are leaping to balance you. like how a parent catches a baby before it can fall 💀

not because they think you cant take care of yourself! they just really really like you and don't want you to get hurt.

Maeve

OH MY GOODNESS OFC SHE'D BE THE ANGER TRANSLATOR AHAHAHA

"i believe strongly that discussing this matter would not be the best use of our time at the moment"

"they mean 'stop wasting my fucking time and lets get this shit done bc IM TIRED OF THE BS'"

AND THE LIL FRUUUUUITS

imagine if she writes lil notes with them sometimes like "noticed you didn't have time for breakfast, take this to go, my love <3" UGH 💕💕💕💕

AND SHES KNOWN YOU FOREVER SO SHE KNOWS WHEN YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM A PARTY 😭

DANCING AT NIGHT WITH HER IN THE BALLROOM, THE BOTH OF YOU STILL WEARING NIGHT CLOTHES

Theo

HE'D SO FIND WAYS TO STILL SPEND TIME WITH YOU. and... as much as Maeve doesn't like him, she loves you which means she really wants you to be happy, so i could see her taking care of things for you so you can hang out with Theo and spend time with him 😭

good lord dont get me started on Sawyer. honestly, his character is just... incredibly flat and his personality is one that makes me uncomfortable 💀 he just acts like the type of dude that would commit microaggressions and make terrible jokes and then tell you that you're overreacting when you call it out. WHICH IS LITERALLY BECAUSE THEY WERE SO LAZY WITH HIS WRITING. HE RLLY DID HAVE POTENTIAL 💀 i will admit, he would have been better received if Tess had gotten a proper route, but the way he's shoved onto the mc makes me really uncomfortable bc NOT EVERYONE WHO PLAYS LIKES MEN OR IS EVEN ATTRACTED TO SAWYER!

the writer for roadkill was very lazy with his and Tess's characters and it upsets me so much 💀

#I LOVE UR THINKS #fictif nix hydra #fictif games #courting the crown #courting the crown rian #fictif courting the crown #courting the crown theo #fictif rian #ctc rian #fictif maeve #courting the crown maeve #ctc maeve #fictif theo #ctc theo #fictif ctc #ctc #eggy answers

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