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tinycozycomfort · 9 months

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rest in the cup of my palms (part one)

pairing: no outbreak!joel miller x art student f!reader

chapter one: drawing from life

series masterlist | next chapter

series summary: you went back to school to find out who you are—to make another leap in the hope of self discovery. when you finally find that first glimpse of yourself, it’s in someone else. what happens when the mirror tries to pull you in? or you’re everything joel could’ve hoped to find. he doesn’t let go easily.

chapter summary: ellie volunteers joel to model for a drawing class on campus. you find someone worth dreaming about.

warnings/tags: no outbreak, no use of y/n, (for everything) -> mutual pining!, possessive behavior, smut (w individual tags to come), unnecessary descriptions of joel being beautiful, ellie is joel's daughter, ellie and reader attend the same university but reader is in post-grad, age gap (joel is late 40s, reader is not), alternating pov, slow-ish burn, joel miller wins girl dad of the century via unanimous vote (for this chapter) -> masturbation (f), intense feelings of loneliness, existential rumination

word count: 7.2k

rating: explicit (18+ only! mdni)

A/N: some good ol' work up, necessary to explain the rated r plans i have for them. ive been terrified of writing a series but i'm also tired of editing everything down to be one-shot appropriate, so today we try. im full-swing into my fixation era and on my 'i cant be loved + ive known how to love you for 1,000 lifetimes' bullshit. this fic is as self indulgent as they come, but i hope you can enjoy it! and for those of you willing to trudge through this with me, i love you.

read on ao3

“To photograph people is to violate them, by seeing them as they never see themselves, by having knowledge of them that they can never have; it turns people into objects that can be symbolically possessed.”

Susan Sontag - On Photography

───────

A halo of hot light falls through the pane of glass above the sink. Joel’s got one eye pinched semi-shut, trying hard to focus on not burning himself while he drains boiling water out of a pot of pasta.

When he woke up this morning, the blinds on every window in the house had been strung up to the lip. He’d barely gotten a hand around one of the strings in the glass frame above the couch before Ellie appeared out of nowhere to literally slap his wrist, ‘I’m drawing’. Still groggy, he tried to challenge her, ‘Do they all have to be open?’, to which she patiently explained—for what she probably feels is the millionth time—that she needed the extra light, and if she had them all open when she started, they’d need to stay that way until she was done.

So he left her to work, knowing she’s got midterms to finish, walking around with his eyes closed until he felt his way back into his bedroom. He came out once for coffee, and not again until dinner. This is their weekend.

Joel spoons out some of the food into bowls, leaving them to stay warm by the stove before he steps into the dining room. He stops himself half-way, hanging back in the archway to give his daughter another minute as the last shreds of strong sunlight start to wane out.

Ellie’s right where he left her: at the table, cross-legged in her chair with an eraser-less pencil held tightly in her fist. She’s hunched over a large pad of paper, the back of it lifted at an angle under a pile of old books and dog-eared tool catalogs. The sketchbook she uses as a reference guide is propped up on the corner of her left knee, leaned against the edge of the table. She rifles between two pages of it, eyeing some of the quick sketches—visual notes, as she puts it—that she took in class to help her navigate the larger, more detailed version with ease. Silent save for her short huffs of breath, she’s concentrated, wrist-corner lifted to not misplace any graphite. Her process is always the same; a little creature of habit.

She’s wearing her headphones, the cord winding dangerously low, threatening to dip into a cup of water she’d placed in the empty triangle between her lap—the same one he’d seen her with six hours ago. She hasn’t even touched it, still full nearly to the brim. He wonders if she’s gotten up at all. The girl works herself a bit too hard, he thinks, always falls head first into whatever project she’s working on, nothing if not like her dad. The corner of his mouth tugs up so tight it hurts. What is he going to do without her?

He just stands there, feet crossed on top of each other and arms in a twist over his chest, and watches her while she’s not looking, knowing she still gets shy sometimes when he catches her like this. She’s the sweetest reminder of everything good Joel’s ever done; another life he’d gladly offer his own for.

It’s always come naturally—to be what someone needs of him—in a way that transcends reward or expectation.

Joel had been his brother’s primary caregiver first, from birth and then well into their adulthood—always around to bail him out of jail or lend him money he didn’t have. Because he cared. Loved him. He couldn’t ever really say it, always had a problem with the wording, but he knew that at least some of what he wanted to explain had come across. He can see it in the way Tommy is with his own family.

His brother has Maria now, and the kids, and seeing how happy Tommy could be in spite of their upbringing was the first time Joel had ever put his priorities into question. Somewhere in all the caring-for he did, he’d forgotten about himself; the possibility of having his own wife and child and home. He’d always ached for that, deep down, but didn’t even know it was an option until he saw it happen. By that point, he wasn’t sure if he could do any of it, or if he even had the time to start. Then came Ellie.

She entered his life when a close friend of Tommy’s had died unexpectedly and no one came forward to claim her, unknowingly giving him a second chance; one he worked to make count. She was tough to crack at first—also like him in that way—but the love had always been there, waiting its turn after all the awkwardness and misunderstanding and adapting before finally showing its face. She’d needed him then, as much as his brother had all those years ago, carrying on the torch of purpose that Joel so feverishly searched for.

He rolls his eyes at himself; he’s been having too many misty-eyed moments about her lately. It’s so unserious, the actuality of it; of being her dad. Going to work and the supermarket and museums, being there to chaperone field-trips and take one-thousand mostly-blurry photos of her graduation. But it’s been everything to him. He’s desperately clung to the five years of her life that she’s shared with him, and he’s so proud to witness it, but he knows she’s getting to a point where she needs to be her own person. He’ll miss her when she’s only home for summers, then only home for Christmas, then only home once in a while—so he holds on to every bit, and tries not to think about what’s next for him.

He walks closer to her, tilting his head to try and steal a glance of what it is she’s working on. He catches a glimpse of the face of a woman, a portrait from shoulders-up. She’s pretty, with a soft and thoughtful expression, looking downward off the side of the pad. From what he could make out between the movements of Ellie’s hand, she even looks a little shy. His daughter rubs at the cheeks and nose of the girl on the paper, imitating the shadow-less areas where light would fall. Joel is mesmerized by the way she creates so effortlessly, like breathing.

Without moving her head, she pulls a tiny white bobble out from her ear, “I know you’re watching me, weirdo.”

Joel laughs, wet and thick in his mouth with the emotion he’s still climbing down from, “Is this how you treat me when I’m trying to feed you?”

She smiles, he can see the fat of her cheek rounding out even from this angle, “You should’ve just said that.”

Ellie leaves her set-up untouched, just getting up and moving down to an empty seat while Joel goes to bring the food out.

She shifts around in her seat, feet folded again on the flat of it, eating too fast—ill-mannered—and it reminds Joel of all the nights they spent at Tommy’s for family dinner, right at the beginning, back when they’d just begun to become close. When she’d push his patience with her behavior to see if he’d say something, to see if he still paid her mind—he always did, still does, “Jesus Christ, kid. Have I taught you nothing?”

She holds back a laugh, mouth full of tomato sauce, “You love it. I’m charming.”

He snorts, the two of them falling into a comfortable quiet for only a few minutes before she breaks it again, “Speaking of how much you love me, I need to ask you for a favor.”

“Oh no,” He jokes, “What now?”

“Remember those drawings I turned in of you last month?” She starts pushing around the last bite of her spaghetti, never a good sign, but he nods anyway for her to continue, “Well my teacher really liked them. And there’s been an issue with finding people to sit for the drawings. Sooo,” she really drags it out, “I signed you up.”

“What do you mean, you signed me up? For what?”

“To model,” Joel’s mouth pops open in an immediate attempt to oppose, but Ellie’s quicker, “Didn’t you say you’d always support me in school?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Joel finishes his plate and then they’re both just clinking their forks against porcelain for a heavy eightnineten seconds before she gives it another shot.

“C’mon, seriously. I’ll get extra credit if you do it,” She lets out a long sigh like she can’t believe she has to explain anything more than that, “My professor teaches a Monday session for the master’s program and they need people. It’s just one time.”

“Ellie. It’s Sunday. How are you gonna tell me this now?”

“Please, you just sit there for, like, two hours while they draw you and you don’t have to talk. That’s two of your favorite things. Three if you consider that you’d be helping me out.” she looks at him with a sticky-sweet smile, eyes crinkled—like she knows she’s getting away with it.

She might be.

“Why don’t you ask one of your friends to do it?” Joel gathers up their plates from the table to carry them into the kitchen. Ellie picks up their still half-full glasses as an excuse to follow him.

“Because we all have class together tomorrow on the other side of campus. Plus, you’re easy to draw and—”

“Hey.”

She ignores the flat look he shoots her, flipping on the sink, “That’s a compliment, by the way. But really, it’s no effort and you’d be getting me into a good place with my professor ‘cause she’ll be super grateful. The budget’s kinda tight this semester.”

“Then what am I payin’ for, if you’re gonna make me do this stuff myself?” It’s a half-hearted dig—he’s mostly annoyed because she probably already figured out he’s going to agree.

Her little smirk graduates to a shit-eating grin, she knows it, “Best dad ever.”

“You’re a pain in my ass, y’know that?”

“Just because I knew you were gonna say that, I actually signed you up for two.”

───────

Joel stumbles out of the elevator, filing hurriedly through groups of students with a new-found purpose now that he’s managed to make it to the correct floor. Ellie made a point of not mentioning that he had to be at the school at 7:30am until she was saying goodnight to him a few hours ago, because she thought it would dissuade him—she was right—so now he’s running late on top of everything else.

He’s got the little scaled-down, splotchy-printed version of the campus map gripped tightly between his hands. Room 14B is seemingly only two turns and one corner from where he stands—if he’s holding it the right way. He wants to ask for directions, but he feels too out-of-place to set aside his embarrassment. He’s older than at least half the staff, and some of the attendees are even younger, and he doesn’t want to run the risk of looking incapable, as foolish as it is. He wishes Ellie would have just offered to show him where to go before she headed off to her own class.

For someone who prides themselves on their ability to parent, he feels hopeless now without his daughter; not for the first time, but it’s especially harsh considering the circumstances. It hurts something bittersweet, to think about how much more they’ve bonded since he started working less and she decided to live at home her first year of college (though it’s coming to an end sooner than he’d like). Again, too many sad thoughts, and she’s not here, so he trudges on.

He walks in two more circles before he finds the right place—down a fucking hallway and hidden behind a door he didn’t know he was allowed to open, of course. A woman with long, dark blonde hair is sitting at a desk by the door when he enters. She doesn’t look up at him.

“Good morning, ma’am. Sorry I’m late. My—uh. You teach my daughter? I’m here for—”

“Ellie’s dad,” She cocks her head without meeting his eye, “Late? You’re about twenty minutes early, she told me you probably would be.”

She knows me too well, the brat. He chastises her in his mind but outwardly he corrects himself, “Yes, right, sorry. I’m a little turned around.”

“That’s alright. There’s just a waiver you need to sign, and you can get undressed in the bathroom down the hall. I’ll give you a cover-up to wear until I come to grab you.”

Right, he’d have to be naked. He already knew that—sort-of—having seen dozens of Ellie’s sketches from semesters past. He knows the students don’t see it that way, knows that they’ve all drawn the same things so many times they would be desensitized to his nudity. They’d probably all be desensitized to him as well; in their eyes, he was just a reference, as familiar as any of the memorialized piles of fruit or arrangements of glass that Ellie's also brought home.

Still, Joel feels a wash of anxiety come over him. He’s more than comfortable in his body, after putting it through so much, but this degree of vulnerability is severe in comparison to vanity or sex—it’s a state of living he hasn’t participated in for a long time. He doesn’t like to be seen, and being documented—having physical evidence of how he’s interpreted by others—makes his stomach turn. He hasn’t looked in a mirror for more than a moment in months, but it can’t be that bad, right? Ellie’s always given him a favorable light, but he worries she has a bias beyond belief. What if he sees something about himself he doesn’t like? What if everyone’s been able to see it all along?

Caught in his thoughts, he doesn’t realize the woman is still talking, “We have a scheduled break halfway through class. You can leave then. Next week it’ll flip and you can come for the latter half so they can finish.” She slides the form and a swath of black fabric across the table, and almost like she can sense his apprehension, finally raises her head to give him a meaningful look, “Thank you again for doing this. I know it can feel weird, but it makes a difference for them. There’ll be a joint show at the end of the month, too, with Ellie’s class.”

He just offers her a little nod of his head, thank you, signing the form and padding to the bathroom to unceremoniously disrobe in an empty stall.

It’s just two hours.

───────

If they make you take another figure-drawing class, you’re going to scream.

You’d think this far into a second degree, the school board would stop requiring you to take what is essentially the same class every semester. Sincerely, the only thing that changes is how long the session runs and what number follows the class title. It’s getting old.

To be fair, it’s not necessarily that you dislike drawing—it provides a pretty firm foundation for your personal work to stand on—it’s just tedious. Nothing is inspiring about assignment-based work, especially when they’ve decided the only way you can prove your skill-set is to make you draw the same three objects five-thousand ways.

But it’s not up to you.

So here you are again, two weeks from spring break, back in this frigid building after surviving another forty minutes of traffic, body still stiff from fighting the urge to fall asleep at the wheel.

It’s important, you remind yourself, to show up and put your fullest effort into everything, no matter how much you don’t enjoy it. Even if just to prove to yourself you can still finish things.

Coming back to school was an idea you’d toyed with for years after graduating.

There had been a lot of pressure on you to go in the first place, from your parents and your teachers and your nightmare of an ex, because according to them you’d get nowhere without it. After enough pressure and in a need to appease them, you folded and went; suffered every long night and pushed through every period of self-doubt and smiled for every ‘worth-capturing’ moment right up to the end. And then when it was over, gone faster than you could comprehend, you felt like something was taken away from you, even with how low it had made you—the worst kind of stockholm syndrome.

In an attempt to keep some momentum, you were over-eager for more right out of the gate. There was an initial need to continue, because you’d been reliant on academic structure just by the nature of familiarity, and maybe a little ill-prepared to face who you were without guidance. Without the instruction of someone with two degrees and a smoking addiction and no teaching license. Now it sounds silly, but then you spent a few too many nights uncontrollably looking into post-grad institutions or internship programs, googling professors and reading forums for first-hand accounts.

Then, after a year, the thought of continuing got a little less exciting, and you became comfortable in the freedom of nothing after being in school your whole life. So you pretended to research, emailed everyone about how great the options looked, signed up for one-on-ones you didn’t show up for—until people stopped asking.

It was at that point that you finally had the time to process what you were doing and why, and accepted that you didn’t have to have all the answers, despite what everyone had led you to believe. Truthfully, you still had no idea who you wanted to be and that’s okay—living with it and living alongside it weren’t mutually exclusive. You just took time to practice being yourself—sucked up the embarrassment and did the work, little exercises in unleashing yourself onto the world instead of letting every experience be done to you. If you were going to do anything anymore, even something like continuing your education, it had to be on your own terms, to try it all in the effort of self-discovery.

So yes, applying and getting accepted and attending every class—even this one—this time around was for you—to better yourself instead of just filling an expectation. You’re determined to make good on the opportunity.

And it has been better, so far. You even have friends this time around. Okay, two, and one of them is your roommate, but it's more of a support system than what you had going into undergrad.

You say yes now, too; not to everything, but to more than before. Which is maybe how you got roped into getting ‘introductory’ drinks later this evening with everyone, now that more people have joined the program as winter thaws out and it’s easier to commute. It’ll be nice to swap ideas and catch up and maybe even get laid instead of spending hours staring at the ceiling and willing time to pass. That thought alone is enough to keep you here.

It’s just two hours.

The room this semester is a little bigger, at least; probably the only perk that moving up so gracefully from Drawing II to Drawing III had earned you. It’s still unfortunately just another classroom; windowless to protect it from outside influence and drenched in fluorescent light to create a controlled environment. Old, stained art horses form a circle in the center of the space, crowding around a painted-gray wood pallet like an audience. A metal stool sits atop the make-shift stage, providing a seat for the subject. It’s clinical, the way the elements come together; a perfectly disarrayed scene that’s been neatly curated to emulate every ‘socratic seminar’ model you’ve seen in education since you can remember. Always the same.

You’re hoping for someone new today to rest on the chair; the department has been in less-than-preferred financial standing lately, so you’ve seen the same faces interchanged for most of the term.

Your professor is at her desk when you make your way in, greeting you with a grin despite the tired look on her face. A hardworking woman, the shadows under her eyes gave her a beauty you could only explain as determined. You knew she cross-taught for both sections of the department, and you respected her for it. It couldn’t be anything short of a struggle to toggle between those modes of seriousness—to have the patience to answer the younger students’ unending questions and the passion to keep the post-grads engaged.

Moving to get a seat as far on the outskirts of the cluster as possible, you watch as your classmates arrive slowly until all the slots are filled. No one really talks, probably all similarly bogged down by the early start and the cold weather outside. Ian, your friend who’d invited you out tonight, waves at you from four horses down and you halfheartedly nod back at him.

“Good morning everyone, we’ve only got two more classes after this until your week off, so we’ll make this next one a two-parter and have critique on the twenty-first. I want you guys to focus on composition more than anything else,” She turns in her seat to write some names on the board behind her, “We’ll go for two hours then break. If your name’s up here we’ll have a conversation about your thesis. The rest of you can go.”

Thankfully you’ve been spared this time—granted another seven-nights-straight writing the segment of your thesis that was meant to be finished two months ago. Your brain hurts inside of your skull.

You set up your little station, sketchpad raised against the easel, body straddling the drawing horse as you fiddle with some dirty erasers in your pack.

You can hear the slap slap slap of the model’s feet on the concrete floor as they enter—a long gait paired with hard, thudding steps; probably a man by the sound of it. Tall and heavy.

“Okay guys, we’re starting,” She winds up the dial on a plastic kitchen timer and sets it on the edge of her desk, “Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be making a few passes throughout and we’ll exchange thoughts.”

You roll your neck, knowing the model tends to take a minute to find a comfortable position, and that people watching didn’t do anything to help. A tempered soundtrack—the poorly contained buzzing of the clock and the moan of the air-conditioning—plays on in the background. Your leg is asleep. It’s cold in here. You count to thirty in your head. That’s enough time, right? You shift again, stretching your arms once more just in case.

Looking up, you peer over the side of the easel to get a quick look at the model’s pose and immediately do a double take.

It is a man.

He’s sitting on the chair, facing the girl a few seats down from you so that you can only see him from a three-quarters view. He has one long, thick leg pushed against the lower bar of the stool, the other one, closest to you, hiked up on the seat, folded so that his knee points towards the ceiling. His arms are crossed, hugging his erect shin with his wide back wrapped over his thigh, effectively shielding the ‘naked’ parts of him from view. He looks shy, but not uncomfortable; either like he’s done this before or he’s accustomed to protecting himself—to hiding.

The frame of his body is captivating; he looks strong but used, little nicks and scars littering his shoulders and hands. Weathered. As you make your way up his torso, you find it’s a similar state of experienced, tan profile and neck bearing the slightest difference in color from the soft of his side, and you can see the faintest curve of a hem-shaped tan-line across the dip in his shoulder. Little wisps of gray-dusted brown curls frame the edges of his face. He’s beautiful in a gentle way, with a dark, heavy brow that leads into the sharp slope of his nose, plush lips pursed like he’s concentrating.

Part of you feels bad about staring, but it’s easy enough to disguise it as working, so you map him with your gaze again and again until you can still see him when you blink. It takes the constant movement of your classmate’s hand sketching something in your periphery to remember you’re being timed.

You choke out a cough, repositioning your body and grabbing some charcoal.

The way you usually approach this task is simple: get down the general gist of the body, careful to keep out the details of the person in favor of capturing light and weight—there’s a graded challenge to be considered, after all.

Yet as you watch him, you decide you can fulfill the requirements in a way that gives him more room to exist. You crop the drawing tighter, paying careful attention to the landscape of his face; the hills of his cheekbones and the valley between his lips. You want to immortalize him.

You’re suddenly deeply concerned with the history that’s woven itself into the shape of him, in what happened to make him look this way. It seems like life has been useful to him, but that he’d had to grow from something to make it so—like he had to work for it. He’s the living manifestation of his own grief and enjoyment and passion, and you want to know all of it.

Countless minutes pass as you take him in and spill him out, fingers moving quickly to recreate the weighted feeling of his posture, exhausted and heavy, muscles held together on the string of bone that runs through the center of his back. You write him down, again and again, flipping to a new page half-way through to get in one last version of him—one for yourself.

You’ve never seen him before, but you see part of yourself in him. He mirrors the anxious peace you’ve been operating under for the last few years, humming with energy but willfully stagnant. It makes you feel seen, less burdened by your recent inability to connect—he makes you want to keep trying.

You wonder if he writes or draws or makes, and if he’d show you. You want to hear him talk. You want to see the other side of him, literally and metaphorically. You want to feel—

The tinny ring of the alarm sounds off, and you’re taken out of the fantasy.

The second drawing is only really half done, but you didn’t make it with the intention of sharing it anyway, so you flip back to the original to hide it..

You try not to watch the man when he stands—remembering that just because he’d been hidden before doesn't mean he wasn't naked the entire time—maybe more for your sake than his. You peek around the room instead, taking a healthy, albeit competitive, glance around for other interpretations of the man; did they see him too, the way you do?

When you look up to take a comparative look, he’s gone. You’re a little disappointed, admittedly, but there’s still one more chance to interact with him, and you can make up for it then. You start to pack up your things in an effort to make it to the parking lot before the crowd. A sudden rise in the volume level in the room tells you that the shock of the early morning has started to burn off. You try to tune it out, so much so that you don’t hear someone walking up behind you.

“Wow.” It’s a man’s voice, deep and smooth. You pivot in your seat.

It’s him, in all his communal-robe wearing glory, even more gorgeous from head on. It’s a pleasant surprise, this reveal; his beauty is evenly distributed, like a handwritten note that extends into the margins or when a movie’s ending is just as good as the start.

“Oh. Hi. Thank you.” You feel exposed, like you got caught doing something bad, even though there are ten other people in the room with even more detailed portraits of him.

“Can I see the other one, too?”

“What?”

“You flipped your page. I didn’t see anyone else do that. Did you make two?”

You just nod, shocked that he was watching you back, peeling back the paper to reveal to him the unfinished drawing. He won’t question it if you don’t give him a reason to.

“Are you gonna finish it?” He asks, eyes rolling over it with an intense curiosity.

“Uh, probably not. I don’t like it as much as the first one.” Maybe lying your way through this would provide better reasoning than ‘I wanted a part of you that no one else could see’.

“Can I have it?”

When you can’t find something to say fast enough, he just continues.

“I’m sorry, is that rude? If you’re just gonna get rid of it, I’ll take it. It just… looks like me. I mean they all do, I’ve been told I have a ‘simple face’,” He coughs awkwardly in acknowledgement of his own tangent, “I just mean to say that it feels a lot like me. If that makes sense.”

“You’re actually very visually interesting.” Is the first thing you can think of, and fuck, did that come out really fucking wrong, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe it’s better if he takes it, if it’ll stop you from fumbling, “But yeah, you can have it.” You pull a little plastic mail-tube out of your bag, ripping the drawing free from its perforated tether and rolling it in on itself.

The edges of his mouth pull up, a cute little thing, free of laughter or judgement, “Thank you. I’m Joel.” One of his hands drapes across his stomach, palm spread over the knot of the wrap—he’s holding himself at length again. Why?

“Hi Joel. You seem to know a fair amount about this whole thing. Not your first time, then?” You offer him your name in return, and he parrots it back—guard still up, still standing too far away.

“It is, actually. The closest I’ve come to this is sitting in the yard for my daughter,” He watches as you slide the drawing into the cylindrical case, “You’re very talented.”

“Thank you.” It feels weird to hear the praise twice, “How’d they get you to pose for no money? I heard the department’s a little strapped. I’ve been subbing in for the undergrads too when I can.”

“My daughter volunteered me, she’s on the other side of the program. Your teacher was giving out extra credit.” He takes the roll when you pass it to him, going out of his way to grab it from the middle, his thumb grazing yours. Your skin heats up where he’s touched it, and you look down at the floor, suddenly nervous.

“Wow, this is the first time I’m hearing anything about that.” You continue to pack away items into your bag, “I’m owed quite a lot if that’s true.”

His face falls in on itself in a wince, “Oh. Didn’t mean to do her in like that.” You can feel him looking at you for a few beats too long, and his eyes narrow like he’s about to say more.

In the same moment, as if summoned, your professor turns on her heel, walking over to your bench.

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay without it. I’ll see you next week, right?”

He shakes a little, releasing his stare, and throws a thumbs up in your direction with his protective hand, “Yeah, see ya next week. Nice to meet you.”

───────

After another four-hour class and a too-long nap and a break for dinner, everyone from this morning joins together in a few cars to head to a bar downtown. You meet up with Ian, who offered to drive as a bargaining chip, because he knows by now that you’d back out if you had to show up on your own.

The bar is dark and divey and perfect for being overly-observant in secret. You’ve warmed up to this crowd enough, but you’re still on plus-one basis with a lot of them, Ian serving as your invitation. You like to just listen to them at first during these outings, strategically planning your involvement so you don’t feel put on the spot when they give you a turn.

It’s a lot like being in class; the group of you occupying a dimly lit corner, a round-table of bodies, with the person in the center alternating as the topic changes. Tonight you stay at the furthest end.

You cling to the single tequila soda you ordered, watery and flat by now with pea-sized ice chips bobbing around in the center to avoid the heat of your fingers. You watch them swim, tipping your cup to see them swirl in a frenzied circle until they disappear.

Some guy from your English class—Andre or Andrew or who cares—is talking at you, making his best attempt at what you think is supposed to be flirting. It’s really just him asking your opinions on his five favorite books, not hiding his disapproval when you mention you haven’t read one or the other.

You watch Ian, who left you twenty minutes ago in search of the bar-top for another drink. He’s caught now on his third conversation on the way back, maybe thinking he’s doing you a favor by taking his time. You try relentlessly to catch his eye instead, and he bounds over without question when he sees you. The glass of wine in his hand is already half empty, and the English-class-guy spooks at the sight of what he probably thinks is competition. So much for that.

“Having fun?” he prods when he slips in the chair beside you, already aware that you are absolutely very much not having fun.

Ian’s a nice guy, and he means well. You met him a week into your first semester—almost a year ago now—at orientation, because your last names were the beginning and end of the line of their respective letters. He was from somewhere in Canada, studying photography with a minor in painting and drawing. He’s maybe a year or two older than you, though you’ve never asked to confirm; tall and long and pretty, for lack of a better word, with big eyes and a permanent split in the little bangs that cover his forehead. He’s the first man in years you’ve been comfortable around, never initiating anything or pushing too hard for your friendship. All in all, no one’s been as welcoming to you, except the person you literally live with, and you’re happy to let him drag you out if it means he’ll continue to look after you the way he does.

“Of course, when have you ever known me to have a bad time?”

“No luck with Adrian?” Adrian. You were close.

“Just likes to hear himself talk, I think. I wasn’t interested in being an audience.”

He hums, “Someone else on your mind?”

“Like who?” You lean the lip of your cup against your mouth.

“Saw you making eyes at the model today,” He teases, nudging you in your rib when you take a sip of your drink so that you keel over slightly. You sputter, unamused with the tactic to get you to fess up.

Was it that obvious?

“Isn’t that the point of the class?”

“Yeah maybe, smartass, but that’s not what I meant. I saw him talking to you, saw you give him a little gift,” He bobs his eyebrows at you suggestively, “Excited for him to come back next week?”

“So I can stare more, you mean?”

“So you can get his number.”

“Ian.”

“I’m just saying you should try and find someone outside our section of the building. No writers, either, obviously.” He gestures to where Adrian is already trying his shtick on some girl from your class.

“He’s a little too old for me, don’t you think? His daughter goes here.” You muse. He’s mostly right about you needing to expand your reach, but you won’t let him off that easily.

“Maybe. But if you don’t care, and he doesn’t care, what’s it matter? He’s not too old to fuck you.” He makes a face and you roll your eyes.

The thought is nice, but you know forging relationships is unlikely when you’re concerned, at least as of late, “I don’t want to spend my night talking about people I’m not going to fuck.”

“Whatever you say.” He slinks out from his seat, mumbling something about a glass of water. A few steps away, he looks back over his shoulder, “You’re not doomed, by the way,” the asshole can read your mind, “You can enjoy yourself without feeling guilty. You’re allowed to like people.”

And then you’re alone again.

It’s like that for another hour, small attempts at chatter and meetings until you realize you’re too tired to fuck anyone, let alone continue to sit upright. Being up so early this morning took more of a toll than an hour nap could fix, and you're begging Ian to take you home. He agrees, spending the trip trying to plan another outing later in the week before everyone’s gone on vacation.

You give him a sleepy goodbye when he pulls into your apartment complex, making sure he’s still going to class tomorrow before letting him drive away. Once you’re inside, slipping quietly in through the front door, you realize your roommate isn’t home. She’s probably still in a late class or at her boyfriend’s or somewhere else. You enjoy the quiet enough to not think about it too hard.

The five sips of tequila-mostly-water has settled into your stomach by now, making you a quarter-second slower when you strip all your clothes off and climb into bed.

You twist under the sheets, and after a while your skin starts to feel too hot, even in the cold air of your room. Breathing deep, you try to think of something boring to get your mind to still, but when you sense the sleep about to take over, it switches.

You see his face behind your eyelids, the man from today, strong and pretty and delicate, remembering all your favorite details—the length of his fingers and the depth of his voice. You curse yourself for assigning this importance to him. He’s just another page in your portfolio, if you even keep him, yet you can feel a slow heat bubble up at your core when you remember the stretch of his body under the robe. It’s okay to be taken with him, you think, he’s objectively gorgeous.

Your conversation with Ian replays in your head—less about his sincere advice and more about how you need to get laid. It’s been too long; maybe you are just horny, and maybe taking care of it just this once could be enough to stop this hollow interest from growing.

You reach a hand down under your blanket, the tips of your digits pushing into the slit of your cunt. You’re wet, arousal tacky and pooled so much that the light pressure you meant to be exploring with is enough to have you accidentally slipping inside. Okay, he’s really hot. So what? Was it really that bad if you thought so?

You dip a finger further in, timid at first; you’re used to keeping quiet for this kind of activity, and even though your roommate was gone when you got here, it doesn’t mean she hadn’t come in in the thirty minutes of rolling around you’d done before giving into your desire. You lay your free hand over your mouth just in case, teeth biting into the meat at the base of your thumb to keep yourself quiet.

You slide in a second finger to the knuckle to join the first, the light stretch of it enough to make you pant. You see him again, hard and soft and beautiful. You think about what his skin would taste like, if he’d let you sink your teeth into the sinew of his neck. It feels weird to know what he looks like without his clothes, and you’re weirdly proud of yourself for holding back from seeing him fully; it's easier to dream about that way. You wonder how he’d present himself to you, how he’d want to fuck you. You imagine him winding a hand around the hinge of your jaw, fingers pressing hard into the soft of your cheeks. Would he be gentle? Would he make it hurt? You suspect either would be too much. You feverishly palm your clit, hips canting in an effort to climax. The pictures flash faster—his cock in your mouth, his tongue in your cunt, the way he’d spit and grip and hold—and you’re coming, drooling over your hand as you hear him say your name in your mind.

You take your hand away after a minute, breath pushing out heavily from your nose. It’s fine, you needed to do it, just one time. No shame in that. It’s out of your system now.

And if you see his face one more time before you fall asleep, it’s probably an afterthought.

───────

By the end of the week, you come to a horrible conclusion.

It starts the next morning when you take your sketchbook out, itching to get a handle on the many writing assignments you’ve been dutifully ignoring, hoping for an outline or a free-flow of ideas. Nothing comes to mind. You draw a little bit to fill the space while you think, just a mess of material on the page, strokes of your hand that leave barely anything behind.

Then on Wednesday you’re at your laptop, typing with one hand while the other one slides against the wood of the dining table, down and around in a loop, mimicking the same shape each time.

And again last night in the shower, letting the shame of a different semi-failed night-out wash over and off of you. You slosh your foot around in the water in the basin below, catching it as it runs down and pools, ankle dragging in a tiny, controlled movement.

It’s not until now that you put it together.

You’re sitting at your desk, with creative materials at your disposal this time, trying to make sense of what it is you’re forming. You find that no matter the medium, your hand automatically makes a single hard line. The same line, from memory. It’s negligible at first, just a light press of pen or pencil or crayon, until it drags down, down, down. It’s not until you lift your utensil that you recognize it. The hook of a nose and the crest of a top lip.

A hard pit forms in your stomach, blood draining from your head to gather in the center of your chest, a blooming sickness of obsession you haven’t felt in a long time. You’re drawing him. You’ve been drawing him. You know this feeling, have participated in this kind of behavior. These are the actions that cause the humiliating dregs of attraction to bleed over into fixation—juvenile and universal and unavoidable. He’s going to be a problem.

#joel miller fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller smut #pedro pascal characters #joel miller fic #joel miller/reader

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honeydewcoldbrew · 1 year

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have you ever made love to someone you didnt love?

sometimes, its a shame to meet people who are exceptionally beautiful but terribly terribly terribly awful. but not awful in a way thats interesting, i mean i love people like that. but absolutely shoot me in the skull boring.

Ive truly never understood how beautiful people can get away with being such a drag. But here i am sitting across a man whos mansplaining chinese colonialism and the etiquette of washing raw meat to me. Like Alice when she drinks the potion, I feel too big for this table that were sharing and too close to him. How do i get someone to like me? Or the better question is why do i want this person to like me? Hes kind of everything i ever wanted on a paper. When he smiles in the most arrogant way, his big bright teeth bares and his right eye becomes way more squinty than the other. These are the same eyes that dart all over the restaurant but never at me long enough.

I KNOW i am beautiful, I KNOW i am smart and I KNOW i am deserving of love that is passionate. Is it a crime to make it work with this man? Isnt that what love is after all.... work.

we go back to his apartment and i wander around his room picking stuff up and putting it down. theres nowhere to really sit as he treats his room like a storage unit. My eyes fall on the slinky guitar strings and my heart falls a little. Why do i date all the same fucking assholes?

were in his bed now and im wearing a shirt of his and were just holding each other. I thought about how different he felt in the dark and where i could just smell him. I didnt even get to see his face, or hear him talk. i could just smell his sickly sweet cologne and i pulled on his chain to pull me closer. Like i was tugging at anchor and his hair became more and more intertwined in my fingers. His hair felt so nice, and his body felt so warm and it was so cold. He started talking and i forgot that i was making noise. I forgot i was talking to him. He just kept talking and talking. He was talking about how lonely he felt but i didnt give a fuck really. I just wanted to be held by someone, it didnt matter if i loved them or not. He talked about how lonely his friends and family made him feel and how he didnt really feel seen by them. OR the way he wants to be seen

Well doesnt that make the two of us?

I really didnt care, I He meant absolutely nothing to me. He said words that many people have said to me thousands of times before. i looked at him and felt pity for someone to be so clueless and self absorbed.

But i just wanted to kiss him. Its like the scene from Ride or Die where Kiko’s character says “Finally to have sex with the woman i love!”. I felt like that, but finally i get to have sex with someone at all. He was attractive and he was sensual. He loved making Love, but he didnt love Love. What a dichotomy. I kissed him and he kissed me back. he kept asking me if it was okay and i didnt think about it i just kept saying yes. I said a lot of Yes’s that night.

When it was over, I felt the cloud of euphoria wash over and reality seep in. I looked into his eyes.... and saw absolutely nothing. Just two dark pits staring back. are you okay? yeah. he holds me and we lie there, synchronizing our breath, our fingers and every human bodily noise after. I didnt feel at peace at all. i felt like i wanted to die.

I got up as a ploy to stretch and he pulled my arm back. He grabs me and pulls me back on the bed. He holds me and says its okay its okay its okay its okay its okay

This should make me mad, but it doesnt. It makes my heart feel whole and my lips start to quiver.

Its okay its okay its okay its okay

this time his words arent condescending. hes not trying to prove a point. hes just trying to comfort someone he doesnt know. I start to cry, I dont actually know why im crying. Maybe what hes saying is so endearing that it makes me cry. But im crying.

Its going to be okay

he holds me as i cry and kisses my cheek.

Have you ever made love to someone you didnt love?

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wizkiddx · 3 years

Note

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

#tom x reader #tom holland fic #tomholland #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #famous!reader #tom holland x famous!reader #tom holland x actress!reader #harry holland

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kpopluvrsblog · 3 years

Text

I got you princess

Requested: may i please request for a jealous bsf mark where he sees y/n getting wasted in the club (because she saw mark getting close with the popular girl) and she's with yeonjun so he drags her out and they fight but end up confessing to each other.. i hope that isn't confusing haha thanks !

Genre: angst + fluff, smut!

Pairing: mark x fem!reader

Warnings: SMUT! Dom!mark x sub!fem!reader, unprotected sex ( uak the drill ), reader goes somewhat into subspace at the end, creampie , kind of rough sex, slight masturbation suggestive dancing, swearing, use of the word slut

A/n: this is so long,,, SORRY I ADDED SMUT i cant help myself when it comes to mark... if anyone doesn’t want to read that part it is at the end!!

You slam your locker shut, sighing loudly as “those two” pass by murmuring amongst themselves. By “those two” you mean mark and little miss popular. It’s not that you were popular but of course everyone loves miss perfect aka Jen and they can’t see through her facade. “Me and mark used to be like that..” you whispered to yourself.

“HEY Y/N” someome suddenly screamed in your ear. “YEONJUN!! oh my,,, you scared me!” You whined and smacked his arm lightly, making him chuckle to himself. “ Mmm sooo how’s your little crush on mark going? He seems to be all over jen today...” yeonjun asked with a face of concern.

“ oh a little?” Your eyebrows shot up with sarcasm. “Honestly, its... ever since they’ve gotten closer, she’s got him wrapped around her finger. Its as if me and mark had never been friends.” You look off to the side and scoffed at how whiny you sounded.

“No no no y/n... thats it!! I am not letting you sulk over this loser. He doesn’t understand anything.” He rolled his eyes before continuing “ we need to go out!!” He said happily. “ go where exactly?” You questioned as you grabbed his hand and started to walk to the exit of the school. “ go clubbing!!” Yeonjun said excitedly.

‘Clubbing huh... that doesn’t sound too bad!’ You thought in your head. “ alright clubbing it is!!”

That leads to where you are now. Looking at yourself in the mirror, wearing a burgundy fitting dress which made all of your curves stand out and matched it with burgundy heels as well. You have done light makeup with a black winged liner and added diamond jewelry pieces.

“DAMN y/n... baby you look GREAT!! wow you look so good i-“ yeonjun cut himself off when he reached up to his mouth and wiped off his drool, his actions making you laugh. “Stop!! Lets just go!” You said while laughing. You noticed his attire matches yours. He was wearing a burgundy suit as well which complimented him so well. “You look really good too though...” you smiled brightly at him as he grabbed your hand, thanking you with a blush on his face and brought you to his car.

The drive to the club was around 30 minutes. Yeonjun had found a club or as he called it “ the best club you’ll ever go to” and insisted that you both go there for the night. He said he wouldn’t drink so he could be your DD ( designated driver).

——————————————————————————

Your mouth dropped open when he pulled into the private parking lot for the club. “Yeonjun this is..” you trailed off in awe. “Amazing. I know.” He finished the sentence for you. “alright, in we go!!” He jumped excitedly.

As you walked to the large glass double doors. The bright lights and blaring music became clearer. You could see the many people that were occupied inside. Yeonjun said something to the security man standing outside, which u didn’t understand since you were too busy admiring the place, but before you knew it he was leading you inside.

“ALRIGHT, drinks first baby we gotta get you to loosen up before we get started.” He shouted over the music and the yells of the other people as he brought you to the bar. When he talked to the barista you started to scan the crowd of unfamiliar faces, smiling at the sight of everyone having fun. Suddenly you furrowed your eyebrows... ‘was that mark?? What was he doing here... wait, jen is... dancing on him.. woah, okay.’ Your thoughts ended as yeonjun poked your side and handed the shot glass to you “ thanks” you smiled at him and chugged the drink, feeling the hot liquid slide down your throat, leaving a slight burn.

“Agh” you winced at the flavor causing yeonjun to chuckle. “Its good huh?” He smirked. You turned back to the barista, “excuse me!! Can you give me the strongest shot you got?!” You questioned with a smirk. “Challenge accepted” the barista laughed and went to mix you up a drink. If mark can have fun why can’t you?? It’s time to get over him.. he’s obviously taken. “Is that mark here??! What the fuck man!!” Yeonjun shouted with a look of pure disgust when he saw who was attached to him.

“Y/n lets go! We’re going to go dance and show him what he’s missing!!” He looked back over to you just in time to see you take the mystery shot. “Damn that shits strong” you croaked and laughed when you saw yeonjun smiling at you.

He pulled your hand through the crowd of bodies and brought you to an open spot. Already feeling the alcohol take its place you started to dance with yeonjun wrapping your hands around his neck as he placed his hands on your hips. You smiled up at him and turned around in his grip, bending fowards slightly, now grinding your ass up against his bulge with his hands still groping your hips as he grinds into you.

You stood back up, still moving your hips and reached your arms over your shoulders to hold onto the back of his neck lightly. You looked up and met a gaze of who you completely forgot about. Jen was no where to be seen and mark was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, biting his lip harshly and glaring at the man groping you. Yeonjun leaned down slightly to press a light kiss to your neck and thats when mark broke.

One second you were dancing with jun and the next someone was leading you to a secluded place of this club. “WHAT the fuck are you doing mark!!! Let me go!!” You shouted as he pulled you into one of the empty backrooms. “Shut up.” Is all he said while he went to block you from leaving the room. “Shut up?!! What do you mean shut up!! Ive been shutting up since you decided to ignore me for the schools slut!!” You shouted at him trying to push him out of your way.

“HEY!! She is not a slut first of all-“ you cut him off with a slap to his face making him stare at you in shock. “Not a slut?? Mark where do you think she ran off to huh?! You think you were the only guy shes been talking too?! What a dumbass... im leaving now.” You declared waiting for him to move out of your way.

“Y/n... listen-” Mark started. “No!! I don’t want some pity apology to leave your mouth! I want to leave and never see you again.” You stated with your arms crossed until mark suddenly pulled you into his chest, arms wrapped tightly around you, as if he let go it would cause you to disappear. “ what the- Let me go!!” You mumbled into his suit.

You heard him sniffle and now realized that he was crying... a lot. Even though he is a dumbass you can’t help your feelings for him. “Listen y/n... im so so sorry that i pushed you away. I just- oh my gosh. I love you y/n... so very much that I unintentionally pushed you away and when i noticed how close you were to yeonjun, i thought that i could never treat you like how he does, i could never make you happy and i KNEW THAT. When jen started to pay attention to me, i thought i could take my mind off of you and that you would have a better life without me in it. I know how she is y/n... but my jealousy got the better of me. The reason why she left just now is because I wasn’t paying attention to her. How could i when you were standing so beautifully in front of me... and thats when i noticed that i couldn’t get over you, especially with yeonjun touching all over you when that could’ve been me if i tried and i- hmmph“

He was talking too much... his words making tears rolls down your face, soaking up into his suit. You leaned up to press your lips tightly against his. His body stiffened when your lips touched his... they were so soft. He quickly loosened up and hugged you tighter, his lips now moving with yours as you continued to make out. After a few minutes you pulled apart, a string connected between you both, chests heaving. You knew you looked like a mess but mark still looked down at you with so much love.

“First of all your still a dumbass...” you whispered, causing mark to giggle. “ I’ve never stopped loving you, me and yeonjun are just friends and he knows about my crush on you. But when you started ignoring me.. wow it hurt so bad and it pains me to admit that. I was so jealous that I couldn’t be with you-“ mark cut you off with another peck. “Mark let me finish!!” You blushed trying to pry him off of you.

“No i already know where this is going... im sorry for being a fucking idiot but i really do love you and i hope you can forgive me.” He said while letting a few more tears out.

“Okay no more crying!! Of course i forgive you and I obviously still love you too... you’re lucky you only ignored me for around a month though...” you trailed off into a fit of giggles. “Lets leave this place y/n, ill tell yeonjun whats going on and ill take you to my place to get you cleaned up okay??” Mark said while caressing your hair lovingly. “Mhm lets go!”

——————————————————————————

《smut starts》

After some time, you and mark had finally arrived at his house. “Ahhh okay here we are.” He sighed when he pulled into his driveway. “ okay lets get you cleaned up hmm?” He questioned when you both entered his house. Too tired to answer you hummed an answer back hoping he would understand, of course he did. Having already been here many times before, you remember where everything is which made it easier to navigate through his home. “Lets take off these shoes first, i bet your feet hurt so bad right now.” He pouted and sat you down on his couch, leaning down to take off each heel and lightly massaging your sore feet. “ it’s alright you can close your eyes baby ill take care of you.” Mark then leaned up to peck your lips one last time to hear you mumble “ thanks baby i lovveee you hmm” you then closed your eyes and felt him pick you up, bridal style and bring you into his bathroom. He took off your jewelry and placed them safely in the cabinet. He then proceeded to remove any excess of makeup that you had left on your face.

He was debating whether or not he should bathe you, as you probably feel gross. Since you had not fallen asleep yet, you decided that you wanted to be clean. “Baby you can bathe me its okay. I trust you.” You said softly, making mark smile at your cuteness. “Alright, im going to undress you now, lift your arms up for me.” You did as you were told, he took the snug dress off of your body, leaving you in your matching lace bra and panties... he couldnt help but get turned on. He thought your body was outstanding. Mark shook his head lightly trying to get out of his thoughts, you, now with your eyes open, noticed his actions and smirked. “Whatcha looking at?” You questioned innocently while looking down at your body.

“I uh- uhm oh yeah ill start the bath” he blushed and moved to the tub, now filling it up with hot water. The alcohol had mostly wore off now, since you hadn’t drank a lot. You started to unclip your bra and pull off your panties. “Mark can you help me in the tub please” you asked. You both knew you were capable of getting in yourself but nonetheless he grabbed your hips and set you softly into the tub.

“Dont you want to get clean too?” You asked and pulled lightly on the bottom of his tie. He smirked at your request and pecked your cheek. “Let me go get clothes for us to change into and ill be right back.” When he walked out you couldn’t help but notice his hard on. God he was so hot.

You knew you had some time. Whats the harm in just touching yourself a little? You fingers slowly trailed down to your clit and you slowly rubbed circles on the sensitive nub, letting your head fall back and small moans pour out from your mouth. “Having fun without me?” Mark asked with his clothes off and standing in the doorway, his hard dick on display. Where did this Confidence come from? He came up to the tub and lifted you out now patting you dry and emptying the tub.

“Do you really want this?” He looked you in the eyes as he asked this. “Yes i really want this please” you answered and bit your lip. “We’ll bathe after this then okay?” He didnt give you time to answer as he picked you up and brought you out of the bathroom straight into his room. He placed you gently on top of his bed sheets, luckily there was a thick blanket on top that he had layed out, so now the sheets won’t be dirty.

You pulled him on top of you and trapped him between your legs as you made out with him, lightly sucking and pulling on his lips, with your hand running through his soft disheveled hair. He groaned into your mouth as the tip of his dick brushed against your slick entrance. “Just put it in im wet enough and i really need you i cant wait please please please- OH” you moaned aloud as he followed your requests. His thick dick now stretching out your tiny pussy.

“Fuck baby your so tight for me, damn you feel so good. Does it feel good for you baby?” He whimpered into the crook of your neck as he pushed your thighs apart farther, his hips now pressed tightly against yours. “It- um.. mmh” you already couldn’t form a sentence...

He chuckled and put his hand under your head, now holding you even closer. “Fuck.. m- mm move please” you whimpered. You were so sensitive and felt so full with him pressing against your cervix. He slowly pulled out and pushed back in, which made you gasp and clench even more, making it hard for him to move. “Loosen up for me hm? Let me fuck you properly. Show you how its done baby” you followed his orders and let him keep hitting that spongy spot deep inside of you. “A- ah keep going” you let out gasps and moans as he was now pounding into you. Mark was breathing heavily as he sucked marks onto your pretty delicate skin.

He snaked a hand down to rub on the nub you were playing with earlier. “Feel good?” He questioned and got a moan in response. He knew you were close by how you started to clench uncontrollably. “Im gonna cum shit im going to-“ you stopped your rant when he went even harder than before, you could feel him in your stomach. “I know baby. Cum. Cum all over me and make a mess. I got you.”

“FU-“ your orgasm was so hard that you went silent as your eyes rolled back, nails leaving streaks on his back. “Fuck y/n im cumming” he came inside of you with long hot ropes shooting into the deepest parts of your body, filling you up to the brim with warmth. You both came down together... only mark came down actually. “You’re okay princess. You did so good. Come back down to me, im waiting” mark whispered to you as he pulled out of you slowly, watching a white mess come gushing out of you. “Mmhm i did good?” You asked with a whimper while holding onto your stomach, feeling full. “Yes princess, so so good for me. Im going to bathe you and change you now okay? You can sleep, i know you’re tired.” After hearing his words you fell into a deep sleep knowing that he would take care of you.

——————————————————————————

You woke up with the feeling of being wrapped in warmth. You groaned as you turned around in marks hold, now facing his angelic sleeping face...’ he looks so at peace’ you thought. You also noticed that he dressed you in an oversized sweatshirt of his and gave you a pair of his boxers to wear. He really did clean and take care of you last night huh...his grip tightened around you and you left a soft kiss to his lips as you fell back into your slumber with a smile, knowing that you were definitely going to spend your life with this man.

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jupiterswlrd · 3 years

Text

Spectacular- mark lee

mark never intended on getting bit by a spider on his was home in the subway, he also never intended on saving you from falling in front of the moving train car either. it was all just some sort of sick coincidence. mark had never believed in super powers, yeah what he saw on TV and comics book was cool but it was never realistic. ‘someone just can’t magically change over night’ he thought to himself all the time.

that was, until it happened to him. after his little run in with you he went home and took a nap, shook up a bit on how well his grip on your jacket was, almost like his hands were stuck to you. ‘crazy...’ he chuckled drifting off to sleep. when he woke up his found his upper part of he bunk covered in spider webs.

“ew” he said quietly trying not to wake his roommate haechan up. ‘maybe if hyuck would be a cleaner we wouldn’t have this issue’ mark struggled to sit up something making him stick to his bed. he flopped all around his bed, webs confining his arms to the bed. he finally broke one and somehow tripped off of his bunk. he prepared for his body to hit the ground but something caught him. a string of webs wrapped around his ankle and attached the top bunk. he was confused, but he was mostly relieved. “mark?....” haechan opened his eyes wondering why he saw his roommate dangling from what seemed to be the ceiling. with that the web snapped causing mark to fall on his head.

“dude...” haechan observed mark like he was some foreign species. “did you do that?” he pointed to the the webs covering marks bunk. “n-no!?!?” mark looked at the younger boy like he was out of his mind “do i look like a spider to you?” haechan stared at him for a long minute. “...there’s a fucking web growing out of your wrist right now....”

“HUH?” mark flung his hand somewhere, flinching in a way. haechan grunted loudly his head banging aganist the wall. his body was taped to the wall with one big web. “MARK” he yelled in amazement and extreme pain and discomfort. “I promise i didn’t do that....” mark didn’t know what to do with his hands, he stuck them in the pockets of his shorts fearing himself and what he’d do. haechan eventually broke free, examining the web pattern closely. He had a thing for spiders.

“this is completely unique...your webs have a little M in them. we should take to these y/n, you know shes a science freak” mark completely shut down at the thought of you seeing him shoot webs out of hands. what if you thought he was some kind of freak? “THATS NOT AN OPTIO-“ then you walked into their dorm room, unannounced and unwarranted. “i heard my name from outside the hallway, why are you all so l—“ you were confused to see that mark was no where to be found. “uhhh?? i thought i heard marks voice”

“you di—“ haechan did a double take “oh haha, yeah we were on the phone he’s in the bathroom— he got stuck in the toilet”

haechan shoved you out the room nervously. “yeah so y/n, we’ll see you in class okay?” once you were successfully pushed out the room, mark was sitting with his legs crossed his head in his hands. “bro what the fuck was that?” haechan slammed the door and locked it. “what was what?”

“i don’t know your little disappearing ac— YOU CAN TURN INVISIBLE”

“haechan are you on drugs? you have to be on drugs only people with POWERS can do that and that’s not possible be—“

haechan clamped a hand over marks mouth.

“dude you’ve done the impossible for like 2 hours now, you have powers” the younger boy slid on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. “where are you going?” mark asked laying back down. “you mean where are WE going” he threw marks slides at his head.

“we’re gonna go see what you can do.”

mark and haechan went out to a abandoned parking lot. haechan was good at making something out of nothing figuratively and quite literally. “okay mark pick up that big ass tire over there” mark walked over to it, absentmindedly picking it up “this one?”

haechan pulled a clipboard out his backpack “okay superstrength...check”

after many trials and errors. mark and donghyuck found out that he was very agile, very fast, and very sticky. mark couldn’t go 3 seconds with out sticking to something.

as mark and haechan were walking back to the dorms, mark heard something his ears turned up as he looked around. “do you hear that?” mark pulled his hoodie up and walked a bit faster. “no what do you hear? is everything oka—“ mark took off running in the opposite direction past the parking lot, leaving his backpack and a confused Lee Donghyuck behind him.

mark turned the corner the feeling that was rushing through his body, it was more than adrenaline it was like an itch that so desperately needed to be scratched. he had to find out what that noise was. he found himself in the subway again. the same place his was now 24 hours ago. his head was now spinning the same place he was bitten now stinging more than ever.

his balance was off and his body felt weak. mark blinked harshly, the itch slowly fading away. but everything was fading away he slipped into darkness, passing out on the grimy new york subway floor.

“mark” a familiar voice called out to him. “yes y/n?” he responded, a swirl of neon colors surrounded him, his skin was no longer slightly tan it was neon red with some swirls of blue. he was still in the subway but it was empty. dead silent his own thoughts, and spiders the only things in the station. you were in the form a beautiful pink tarantula crawling all over marks body.

“you know what you have to do right?”

“what do i have to do?”

“save new york” you brushed against his cheek lovingly “save our friends, save me, and most of all” you had somehow reappeared in front of him crawling down from her own line of webs. “save yourself.”

“how do i do that?”

“22nd street my love”

mark heard that laugh he always loved to hear, then a sharp pain in his arm again.

“FUCK” he yelled when he woke up, surprised to see that it wasn’t the “pink tarantula” that hit him, but an IV going into the underside of his wrist.

“calm down mr.lee it’s okay, you had quite a scare there” a nurse rubbed his forehead “anything i can get you? some water? some juice you had a pretty bad panic attack there”

mark sighed

‘how am i supposed to save new york with anxiety?’

☀︎☂︎☀︎☂︎

“hyuck” mark said as they walked home from the hospital. “yeah?” he responded taking one of his headphones out his ear. “have you ever been to 22nd street?” haechan shrugged “yeah i’ve been by there, it’s nothing but some apartments...why?”

“i think we have to go there”

that piqued haechan interest, not in a good way though. “you’re not tired i mean...i know you have super stamina but you just had such a bad anxiety attack you passed out” he blinked “i don’t see how you’re not exhausted, fuck— even IM exhausted” mark shrugged and walked in the other direction in hopes to catch a bus, “you coming?”

“so am i like your agent or something” haechan said smacking on the lunchable from his backpack loudly, so loud that mark couldn’t even hear himself think. between the homeless people, the bucket drum line, haechan obnoxious chewing, mark couldn’t hear himself think. “OKAY JUST SHUT UP” he snapped, all attention on him. “oh— uh not you guys i—“ mark quickly became flustered looking at haechan for some help. “OH— uhhh, my friend here has a disorder. sorry about that” haechan rubbed mark on the back, watching as heads turned back to what the were doing. “thank god” mark sighed in relief as they reached their stop. “i feel something...” the same ringing in his ears was back, becoming quieter as he walked in different directions dragging haechan in zigzags along with him

finally, mark and haechan arrived at their “destination”. all it appeared to be was just a regular apartment building. “what the fuck?” mark huffed slamming his fists aganist the wall, accidentally triggering something.

the small alley way they were in between revealed a door, the two boys looked at each other in pure amazement as they jumped through. “what is this?” mark said in awe staring down the walls. “don’t touch anything” an older man said swatting his hand away “you’re the new guy?” he looked mark up and down “the standards must be in hell”

“hi nice to meet you too!” mark sarcastically said. “i didn’t ask.” the man simply replied. “follow me though.” the boys did as they were told. “i believe that we were all put on this earth for one reason, to wreck havoc and help when havoc wrecks things” the older man laughed at his own terrible joke. “that’s why some people their genetic code is different, they’re products of some very expensive experiments, and my favorite” he chuckled “wrong place right time”

“so where do i fall?” mark wondered out loud. “the third one sweetheart” the older man bent down into a mini fridge and got out something to drink. “so basically what i’m saying kid.” he slurped it loudly in marks ears “help when havoc wrecks, whenever it does”with the snap of fingers, haechan and mark were back home and mark was dressed in a red and blue spandax suit. a black spider embroidered on the chest. “bro? you look—“ mark raised a brow, thinking he was still in his regular clothes. “you look like an actual superhero!” haechan danced around the room. “i do?” he stepped infront of the mirror “oh— I DO”

“what should i call myself. tarantula boy?—no too weird spider boy? no too immature”

“spider-man” haechan suggested

“spider-man...” mark said to himself in the mirror.

“i guess i’m spider man...”

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alreadyblondenow · 4 years

Text

Changes

Johnny x reader // SMUT, angst, fluff, virgin!reader Summary: Every single part of you changed when you met Johnny. He’s a sweet responsible man who takes care of you even though he’s completely aware that you can take care of yourself. Even so, you let him because he gives you warmth that you can’t give yourself. Word count: 3k Warnings: Virginity loss, swearing, explicit mature themes, virginity kink?, corruption Note: If some words were misplaced, I apologise in advance. Half assed proofread hehe I’ll edit tomorrow im so sleepy. If you read already, Im sending you love. And thanks for putting up with shit hihi

You remember being a good daughter during high school. How you manage to have a high GPA just so you could make your parents proud and go to a nice college.

And when you got in to your dream college, you remember doing everything right during your those four years. Studied harder than ever and almost broke your back from staying up in front of your computer to finish your thesis. It was always about doing the right thing, staying on track, keeping out from trouble, always so sure what to do next after accomplishing the another. Until you met Johnny. It was the first time you felt so dumb and stupidly in love.

“Baby its not even in yet” you were sure that Johnny’s cock was inside already because the stretch hurts. It hurts so bad you can’t breath properly. “It fucking hurts.”

Johnny let out a giggle, kissing your breast while being half inside you, “Baby it supposed to hurt you’re a virgin” he’s clearly enjoying teasing you underneath him and savouring the tightness of your pussy for the first time. “My virgin” kissing you a little too sweet and soft even though he’s cock is making your eyes teary. He pushes in again slowly with your consent and fucks you slow, then fast when he sees you relaxing already.

“Johnny wait - it really fucking hurts baby” you pant asking for more time. “Okay okay, Im going slow again, sorry. I thought-“ and he fucks you slowly again, kissing your neck and collarbones.

When the pain was gone, Johnny feels good inside you. You let a string of curses, kissing and bitting him almost covering his face with spit. With a steady and deep pace you were slowly getting why people love having sex. “Still hurting?” Johnny already knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from you. “Not anymore? Hmm. My virgin girlfriend?” you hum at the pet name he calls you. What a weird thing to call you, you thought. But you love it.

Drowned by lust and pleasure, you didn’t notice Johnny was picking up his pace. He’s to experienced for a virgin like you. The both of you can only groan and moan from the feeling you give each other. Exchanging kisses and bites to show affection and appreciation.

“Ugh you’re almost there now aren’t you?” Johnny asked in between fucking you faster than before but not enough to wreck you. “Feels good now yeah?” he grabs you legs and puts it closer to your chest for a new angle.

“Baby - You fuck good” you gulp, trying to help yourself speak while he fucks you with the new angle. “Is this what I’m missing for months now?” and theres Johnny’s smirk again

“Im afraid so baby, Im afraid so”

You whine when he slowed down his pace. “Do you mind if I play a bit?” you didn’t gave him an answer but Johnny proceeds anyway. He knew you’re at the edge already and being the experienced one between the two of you, he wants to have fun and make the best out of this moment. Unexpectedly you earned long and hard stripes of lick on your cunt that made you closed your eyes shut and yell at him.

Johnny is so amused seeing you so fucked up for the first time. Without a warning he pushes inside you again and fucks you with the same pace as earlier. He noticed your eyebrows furrow and your lips parted letting out sounds so sweet for him.

“I think I found you sweet spot baby” you couldn’t agree more.

“Am I fucking you good huh? Am I fucking you right?” only gasps and moans comes out from your mouth.

“You have to show me baby. You have to cum” but that’s the problem, you knew you have this weird feeling in your abdomen that you somehow can’t let go off. Finally having the strength to talk back, latching on his arms and moving you head from side to side, “I’m trying to let go baby - fuck give me time” but being the dominant that he says he is, Johnny is losing patience and you don’t know what to do. “Aren’t I fucking you good? Why aren’t you cuming yet huh?”

And just as you though the knotting in your abdomen couldn’t get worse, it did. But this time you knew what you want. “Fuck baby! More” to your surprise, he didn’t fucked you faster but he fucked you harder instead. You didn’t know it will give you the same satisfaction that you were craving for just seconds ago before he delivered hard thrusts. He felt your pussy clench and that’s enough for Johnny to make the both of you cum together.

“There you go. You like it rough huh okay I’ll do better next round” Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. You can feel his hips slapping on your skin and you finally felt that sweet release that he was asking for. You cum before him and he chased his orgasm by fucking you faster, he didn’t know that made you overstimulated. “You’re okay, sshh. You’re okay.”

He removes the condom and helped you come down your high. Massaging everything he can as a form of apology, “sorry for being rough” he kisses your shoulders and you encircled your arms around him.

“I got a boyfriend that can fuck that good?” forcing a smile trying to fight the exhaustion. Johnny blushed by your sudden compliment making his eyes small. When you pull him for a hug, his body is warm and sweaty but he surprisingly still smells good. That day you asked Johnny to keep on fucking you until you learn how to be confident on having sex with him. For you, Johnny was the prefect person to help you say goodbye to your innocence.

Every single part of you changed when you met Johnny. He’s a sweet responsible man who takes care of you even though he’s completely aware that you can take care of yourself. Even so, you let him because he gives you warmth that you can’t give yourself.

He completely changed your uptight personality and introduced you to thrills and excitement. You never felt so alive after giving up that perfect image of you that you try to maintain.

He made you crave for pleasure and lust that he’s willing to give as long as you let him love you unconditionally and you give the same in return. Of course you love Johnny. He taught you that love shouldn’t always be perfect and that it could be a lot more complicated sometimes. Which is true. You always thought love should be perfect and it’s always about marriage and having kids. And you want none of that. For the first time in your life you don’t want to follow the life your parents want you to have.

Johnny is balls deep in your pussy, panties to the side and fucking you good on the dinner table. The man couldn’t get his hands off of your perfect figure. The room is full of moans and the sound of the table rocking back and forth from Johnny’s thrusts.

“What if we get married?” Johnny blurted out.

That doesn’t sound right. “Ah!” still catching your breath gasping and wanting more but what you heard made your head dizzy. “Johnny, I need you to get off”

“What- why? What did I do?” you got down from the table grabbing your satin shorts on the floor, wearing it again. You see Johnny putting his cock back in his boxer briefs and putting his pants on. “Is it because of what I just said? Im sorry I didn’t mean to. Lets just forget about it okay?”

“The fact that you already considered it Johnny... you will continuously think about it then someday you’re going to ask me again and again” you crossed your arms and sat across the table.

“What?” he scoffed. “Didn’t you think that someday we will get married? Didn’t that crossed your mind! Isn’t that the goal? Isn’t that our goal!”

“Don’t shout. And no. Thats the last thing that I want. And see, thats what Ive been saying. Once you thought about the M word, you will never stop thinking about it ever again” there was a few minutes of silence, you knew you’re gonna tear up the moment you talk again. But he has to hear your part, he has the right to know what you want.

“Getting... “ your voice already cracked. “Having kids, settling down all of it. You don’t know how those things work Johnny, they’re suffocating. The weight of the responsibilities is unbearable”

“So you’re saying a life with me is something bad that will change your life completely” he wanted you to look at him but you can’t, “So what? Were just gonna fuck like teenagers until were 40? You sound like you’re going to leave me one day.”

“I don’t know. Its just… its not me Johnny”

“Or maybe you just don’t love me enough y/n” he pushed his hair back leaning on the table and staring you down with cold eyes, “clearly were not on the same page anymore.”

“Thats not true”

He doesn’t say a word. He gets his jacket and kissed you on your cheeks. You can’t watch him leave because it will hurt you so much. But when you heard your door close gently, suddenly you felt so weak and cold.

The next day you asked him to go grab breakfast with you before you two go to work. Not knowing how to fix this, you still tried to reach up to him. Maybe you just got lucky that he didn’t want to pry on what happened yesterday and everything seemed fine during breakfast. From there on Johnny stopped talking about what he wants to happen in the future. Not bringing up the M word again, he’s not asking you random baby names anymore, no more IKEA window shopping for your future shared apartment. And quite frankly you miss it. Without Johnny being hopeful like that, your relationship seems dull.

You try to bring the old him back by asking him to go IKEA shopping with you. He agreed but he was quiet the whole time. He just talks whenever you asked him something.

You caught him looking at this couple who was checking furnitures together, his eyes full of envy and you can see right through him.

When you got home, you placed the bags on top of the table and went straight to the bathroom to cry. Constantly blaming yourself for not wanting the same thing as Johnny wants and for ruining the relationship you have. You grabbed a towel from the basket and you bit it to filter your screams. If you thought he didn’t hear any of your sobs and screams, you’re wrong. He’s waiting for you on the other side of the door crying his eyes out too.

Knowing that he’s outside waiting for you, you tried forming your words and forcing yourself to speak. “B-baby, I just cant provide the things you want in life anymore. You’re hurt, Im hurt. And we cant fix it because we don’t want the same things anymore. I can’t force myself to marry you and have kids when I don’t want to. And You don’t have to stop wanting and dreaming to have a family just because I don’t want to. Johnny, I think this is where it ends” You told him he could leave you and there will be no hard feelings. The breakup was somehow peaceful, no screaming and yelling like what you thought it would be. Maybe you just love each other that much but it’s still not enough.

After breaking up with Johnny, you went back home and help your sister plan her wedding. Although the two of you has very different views when it comes to marriage, you loved seeing your sister happy and excited to be married. During the wedding your sister shared the news that she’s already seven weeks pregnant and you couldn’t be more happier and the day became even more eventful because of the little angel. That day, you saw your sister’s husband tear up while she was walking down the aisle. That day, you heard your sister’s husband shout “I’m going to be a father!” You can’t help but think about how happy Johnny must be if he become someone’s husband and how happy he could be when he finally become a father.

After months and months of waiting, you finally met the little angel. An angel that changed your life. You don’t know what happened to you but meeting the little angel changed your perception in life. Yours sister’s baby was a miracle to many people, you included. Seeing how happy your sister and her husband with the baby made you realise that bringing life into this world can give you genuine happiness. You loved your niece unconditionally, showered him with every love you could possibly give and turns out you’re good with kids.

Another wedding is bound to happen, a little rushed and unplanned but you do know the couple loved each other. You knew you could possibly ran into Johnny during the wedding and you did. He looked fine as always, almost made every bridesmaid craving for him.

“All right! calling all the single ladies, it’s time for bride to throw her bouquet”

You were sure you’re sitting far from the bride not bothering to even get up and participate. You were also sure that you will never going to catch it even if you made an effort. But somehow you wanted it to come to you, near enough and catch it with both arms for Johnny. And it did. It landed on your lap. You scoffed looking at the beautiful flowers, smelling it to make it less awkward.

When the party started, everyone was almost drunk enough to care whose wedding it is. Laughter and giggles everywhere. You were alone, enjoying a whole bottle of champagne all by yourself.

“Mind if you tell who’s the lucky guy?” not turning your head back to look, that voice is familiar enough for you to know who it is.

“So happy to see you here Johnny” instead of giving him a hug you gave him a toast. Looking at each other’s fingers. Johnny checks your finger for any sign of an engagement ring and you checking his fingers for a wedding ring.

None. You answered his question to make the situation less awkward, “Just got lucky” you let out a small giggle. “The bride pretty much threw it far. And it just so happens that I’m sitting far enough for it to land on my lap” you both laughed, happy that you’re able to see each other again. Happy to have the chance to see each other’s eyes again without tears in it.

“How about you? Who’s the lucky girl?” Johnny laughs and downed the remaining alcohol from his glass.

“Still you”

You didn’t expect him to be straightforward but you’re happy about it. That night Johnny brought you to his new apartment and you had sex on his couch, on his bedroom floor and on his bed. The next morning you were welcomed back to Johnny’s life again with all smiles, kisses and a lot of orgasms he almost ran out of condoms.

For the past couple of months you and Johnny were busy catching up with all the years you spent apart and slowly building a more established relationship. Your life couldn’t be more happier.

“Baby Im home. And Im tired” you heard him drop his keys at the table near the door, of course he made his way to the kitchen first. Feeling his arms encircled around your waist, “I’m almost done with making dinner” you gave him a kiss and he made his way to the living room. Then you heard him shout, you slowly put down the hot pot and hurried yourself to Johnny.

“Oh my gosh! Who are you?” Johnny is pointing at your sister’s baby crawling around in the living room, playing with his toys.

“Gosh you scared me. T-thats my sister’s baby. I need to babysit tonight hope you don’t mind”

“Oh! I don’t mind… Come here you little ball of sunshine, lets play” and Johnny came crawling around the living room trying to catch the energetic baby. You giggle at the sight of Johnny crawling around. He’s so tall and big.

“Johnny, I thought you’re tired…”

“Nope. Not anymore”

When you’re both in bed with the baby in between the two of you, Johnny cant stop looking after the kid, humming lullabies and patting his small legs making him sleep deeper.

“Johnny a lot of things changed when we were apart. I started to love kids and actually looking forward on having one someday” you looked at him, “or some…” you whispered carefully not to wake the sleeping angel. He chuckled lightly, pushing his hair back “I know” he whispered back. He pats his side of the bed, gesturing you to lay beside him. He puts a pillow next to the sleeping kid so he can still roll around the bed safely.

Johnny pulled you close to him, hovering his leg on yours. He feels warm as always. “For how long?” you asked out of curiosity. “since we got back together. You constantly talk about having our own house someday whenever we watch lifestyle network. And, you constantly ask me to fuck you raw” You were both trying not to laugh so hard cover each others mouths. Before you two close your eyes, Johnny told you he liked the idea of the two of you whispering “Whispering is good. Can’t wait to have more whispering moments with you.”

The next day your sister came in really early, Johnny was still sleeping. You told her how he took care of the baby and that he was the one who babysit the whole night playing and taking care of him. “tell Johnny I said thank you. And please, make your own baby” you can’t believe your sister just told you to have your own baby already. “Okay okay. Get out already before you wake him up. I love you, drive safe”

When you came back to the bed with Johnny, he kissed you good morning completely aware that the baby is already with your sister. “I’m gonna miss the little guy” eyes still closed he’s still whispering so you played along. “Well, we can always make our own little guy” and that woke Johnny up hovering you and showering you with wet kisses. He’s so heavy but you’d rather let him crush you than being away from him again.

“Just so you know I want three kids. Two boys one girl” he says with a big smile while drawing circles around your tummy. “You do realise thats three different educations…” he chuckled and showered your exposed tummy with kisses making you tickle and whine.

“I know, thats why were gonna save like crazy before having them” he finally kissed you on the lips.

“I like that plan Johnny Seo you sound even more sexier. Lets be sure everything is fine and settled when they enter this world”

“And completely change our lives” he can’t stop rubbing your tummy, “I love how we’re compromising now. I never want to yell at you ever again. Not now, not ever. Definitely not in front our children”

You catch his hand and interlock your fingers with his, “I never want that to happen too baby” Johnny came closer to you, kissing you deeply. “Baby why are we whispering?”

you feel his hands creep inside your shorts, teasing your clothed clit and you let out a soft moan, biting his lips. “I don’t know... practicing to be quiet maybe?” He chuckles in between kisses.

“You going to marry me now?”

“Yes Johnny, I will”

................................................. Masterlist

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #cznnet #nct smut #nct johnny #johhny seo #nct fluff #nct angst #nctfic #nct scenarios #smut fic #smut #johnny seo smut #nct #kpop fic #nct imagines

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shhh-no-ones-home · 3 years

Text

how to save a life bucky barnes x reader

+++++++++

Good old whump 😌 this is so fucking long (wc: 2113)

also i know some people are weird about dogs so just know reader has a very large typically seen as aggressive kind of dog (but hes not, just a little slobbery and awkward lol)

Song: say something by danny worsnop and matty mullins

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

"I can't take your shit anymore. If you won't do anything about it then I will! I quit!"

I yelled, untying my apron and tossing it at my manager. One of the cooks had been harassing me for the last couple weeks and he refused to say or do anything. But I had reached my breaking point.

"Come on y/n, we need you! You can't leave me short staffed like that."

He whined and I shook my head, making my way to the back door.

"No, fuck you Rodney, you can find someone else to deal with it."

I said annoyed, clocking out, grabbing my stuff and storming out the back. I gave him the finger as the door slammed behind me, sighing angrily at myself for not finding a new job sooner.

"Fuck!"

I yelled, kicking the brick wall before leaning into it, shoving my head in my hands. Then I heard a harsh cough. My attention snapped towards the man limping through the alley way, seemingly clutching at his side.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I asked, reaching into my bag and gripping my pepper spray tightly.

"Sir?"

I asked again, moving closer to him in the darkness. When he looked up at me I realized who it was. I had seen pictures of him before. What was his name? James? Yeah captain Americas bear friend. From the museum.

"Help."

He managed before falling face first into the dirt. I gasped as I watched his body go limp. In that moment I wasn't quite sure what to do. I couldn't call someone cause I didn't know who to call, and God it was gonna take everything in me to get him back to my apartment. But I couldn't just leave him here. Shit. I sighed before kneeling down and rolling him over. His face was bruised and bloodied, the same as the knuckles on his hand. He must have really gotten into it with someone. I bit my lip before sitting him up with a groan.

"Okay james, work with me here."

I sighed out, going around him and picking him up. He made a soft noise and I looked at him, his eyelids bobbing open for a second.

"Two blocks, that's all it is."

I told myself more than anything, slinging his arm over my shoulder and walking with him dragging his feet. The whole walk was labored breathing and groaning. He was heavier than he looked but then again he was pretty much solid muscle. And though he wasn't much help I could tell he was trying. That endurance was paying off a little bit. But as soon as we were to my apartment he was out, practically falling through the door after I opened it. I only just caught him, laying him on the floor gently and dragging him to the couch. As I tried to put him on it I could hear my dog whining and tapping his toes in his crate.

"Give me a minute Wolf."

I said half annoyed as I got James flat on his back. When I was content with him laying there I let my massive akita-rottweiler mix out of his crate. He immediately went to James and started sniffing him excitedly until I snapped my fingers at him.

"Hey, leave the nice man alone. Let's go potty."

I said, him barking and running towards the door. I quickly got his leash on and took him down to the streets of new York. We walked a good block before finally heading back to my apartment. After I took Wolfs leash off he was right back in James' face.

"Hey, what did I say? Go lay down."

I instructed, him making a sad sound before pouting his way to his large bed in front of the window. I sighed, looking over James with my hands on my hips. Then I noticed a darkened spot just under his jacket and immediately began to worry.

"Shit. Is that blood?"

I said, stepping closer. I watched his face as I knelt down, pushing the coffee table further away from the couch.

"James I don't know if you can hear me but I'm gonna undo your jacket."

I said in a clear voice, watching to see if he moved but he didn't, prompting me to go on anyway. When the front of it was undone I gasped. He was indeed bleeding. It took me a minute to get it fully off, his shirt following right after. To my surprise his whole torso was covered in scrapes and bruises, along with what seemed to be a gunshot wound. Luckily it was only a graze. That I could treat.

"What the hell were you doing?"

I asked out loud even though I knew he couldn't hear me. I shook my head before going to get the first aid kit from under my bed, wolf following me around my apartment. I guess lucky for him I went to medical school, I mean I flunked out my last semester, but still. That's only three months I'd have to finish before I'm a licensed nurse. I had this. Right?

"God I hope I don't have to sew this man shut."

°°°°°°°°°

The next few hours I just sat at my breakfast bar staring at him in the living room, sipping coffee and trying not to wake Wolf who was now fast asleep at my feet. I was waiting patiently for him to wake up, to make noise, to move even an inch. but it never happened. He was however still breathing, the portable heart monitor I had attached to his finger beeping softly.

When the sun started peering through my curtains though I figured it was best to check on him again. After all, I would need to change his bandages soon so whatever it was that hit him didn't get infected. Wolf for one was very excited again for me to be working on the stranger, running to him and getting in his face again.

"Wolf!"

I scolded, James jolting upright as I pulled the collar back on his large black neck.

"Sorry."

I said through a nervous laugh. He looked around for a moment before looking down and wincing in pain as he touched his abdomen.

"Go lay down."

I said harshly, wolf not quite budging at first. But going when I nudged him with my knee.

"Um, I hope you don't mind that. I did as best I could but it's been a while. I was gonna come change them."

He stared at me, looking to wolf in his bed when he sighed.

"Thank you."

He said softly and I nodded.

"Do you mind laying back down? It's a little easier."

I said and he did, slowly, watching my every move as I knelt beside him. I dug into my kit to get new dressing, peeling the old off and shaking my head. It was still bleeding but there wasn't much I could do about it.

"Do you remember much about last night James?"

I asked and he shook his head no, the dog tags around his neck shifting. I focused intently on what I was doing, hearing wolf sigh again. I rolled my eyes, sending him a playful look.

"You aren't afraid of dogs are you James?"

I asked and he shook his head again.

"Okay wolf, come here."

He stood quickly, panting as he came over and stood beside me, looking like he had a wide smile on his face as he sat down. James looked up at him and smiled back, bringing his right hand to scratch at wolf's head. It was a good distraction as I fixed his wounds for a second time. As I put the stuff away I was forced to remember he was still shirtless.

"Oh uh, I washed your shirt too, it was pretty soaked through."

He nodded, making a pained face as he moved to sit up, letting me help as he did. Wolf took that as an invitation to get on the couch, his large dog body taking up a good portion of it as he laid across James' lap. I looked to the ceiling as he laughed, petting him some more.

"I'm so sorry. If you want him off all you have to do is tell him to get down."

I said standing up, going to the kitchen to wash my hands.

"I don't mind it, he reminds me of an old friend."

He lamented as I came back, wiping my hands on a towel.

"They must've been one hell of a friend."

He nodded slowly.

"Hey uh, you can call me Bucky. if you want."

I reached for his hand and shook it.

"Y/n."

"Thanks for this y/n."

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'm not gonna lie James, uh Bucky, I was a little shook up last night. I had just quit my job when you came stumbling down the alley I almost wasn't sure what to do with you. And I know as a citizen I probably should have called an ambulance but as an ally..."

I paused. he looked a little more into what i had to say now.

"I've, well, I've been around the block with a string of heroes before and none of them could ever actually get help from paramedics. So I did what I could."

He nodded.

"I really appreciate it y/n, I must've been desperate after all, to go to a complete stranger."

He laughed.

"I'm just glad you found me and not someone else. Or who knows what could have happened."

"those were my thoughts exactly."

there was a long pause, me standing awkwardly and both of us staring at the floor. then Wolf barked, taking both of our attention as i jumped at the sudden sound.

"guess he agrees."

i said and he laughed again.

"ya know i really appreciate this. is there a way i could repay you? some how?"

he asked and i shook my head.

"no, i couldn't let you do that. really."

i said quickly, holding my hand out, watching as he struggled to stand.

"i want to."

he insisted, stumbling forward and i caught him. he panted out a pained noise.

"knowing you're safe is enough. come over here, lets get you something to eat."

i said, walking him slowly to the bar i was just sat at and feeling his back muscles strain against my palm as i held him upright.

"careful, you keep taking care of me i might never leave."

he said through a wince as i placed him in the chair.

"promise?"

i laughed and he sent me a soft look before smiling. i could feel the blush run across my face as i moved to the fridge, making a face like i was an idiot for saying that.

"uh i went to school to be a nurse after taking care of my last boyfriend. he was terminally ill but didnt want to stay at a care facility. i guess ive kind of been missing it since he passed last year."

"im sorry."

he said quietly as i pulled things out of the fridge for breakfast.

"its alright. ive been getting by. plus i have wolfie over there to keep me busy."

i said with a smile, the large dog wagging his tail as he sat at the edge of the kitchen.

"im sure he appreciated all you did for him."

bucky said and i nodded once, moving to the stove.

"uh, how do you like your eggs?"

he turned in the chair to look at me.

"what's your specialty?"

i laughed.

"anything but poached."

he smiled widely at me.

"over easy please."

"great. that i can do."

there was another long silence as i began frying the eggs. then he cleared his throat.

"would it be a little Stockholm syndrome-y to ask you out after saving my life?"

i let out a short, loud, laugh before looking at him.

"oh you're serious?"

i asked and he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"unless youre not looking but the least i could do is take you to dinner."

i nodded slowly, plating the food and setting the plates on the counter.

"im not but i wouldnt say no to dinner. and who knows, maybe id be open to seeing you after. maybe with a shirt and not bleeding on my couch."

he picked up the fork and raised it in cheers to me.

"ill take it. and its the least i could do. as a thank you."

"its a date then."

#wattpad #x reader #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier #one shots #imagines #captain america #White Wolf #marvel #331

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

Note

Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan!

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention

#magnus bane #shadowhunters #sh #meta #magnus bane meta #camille belcourt is an abuser #long post #ask #anonymous #camille's trash party #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them

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warmau · 4 years

Text

{Regular Inspired!AU x NCT} Sicheng

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, n*fw elements, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, it does not in anyway reflect reality, nor do i condone any of the extreme behavior. ♢ introduction ♢ pick mark instead | pick haechan instead | pick yuta instead | pick johnny instead | pick doyoung instead | pick taeil instead ♢ special route: pick ten

“don’t fall in love with sicheng, everyone always does it and everyone always ends up the same.”

“sicheng?”

“are you asking for him or are you confirming him as your pick?”

the way jaehyun phrases that questions makes something coil up in the pit of your stomach

should i not pick him? it’s just he said he’s going to beijing which means ..... ill be far from people who could possibly hurt me ...... right?

before you can formulate another thought, let alone even look up at jaehyun

you feel a soft hand turn your cheek the opposite away

sicheng’s beautiful features come into full view and you nearly topple backward off the desk

you swear you see him smirk a little at your fumble, but you can’t really be sure if he wasn’t just wearing it the entire time

“ill take care of them”

he puts emphasis on each word. a slight accent slips its way through and you swallow.

take care of me?

“well - are we done here then? they’re going to be packed up and shipped to china and we’ll NEVER see them again!”

haechan spews, crossing his arms over his chest and eliciting a glare from mark

“they’ll come back fine, sicheng i trust you know what you’re doing?”

jaehyun puts a hand on sicheng’s shoulder and out of everyone in the room, he looks most comfortable with the gesture

because doyoung’s eyes narrow and taeyong doesn’t look up from where he’s chipping away at his nails but stops the small action as soon as the temperature shifts

“poor thing, couldn’t you have picked me~ now you’re going to china and i haven’t even gotten a chance-”

johnny sings, swishing around the wine in his cup

you assume he’s just doing it to break the ice blanket that seems to have quilted the room

but then sicheng’s warm hand travels down from your cheek to your wrist

as he gently tugs you up and off the desk

“of course jaehyun, you and your father know how i am.”

sicheng says a string of words in mandarin and you can’t for the life of you even begin to guess what is being discussed

all you can focus on is his skin on yours - you aren’t used to being touched by strangers

well, it’s been much more than just touched hasn’t it?

you sigh to yourself and try just slightly to see if you can wiggle free-

you can’t. sicheng’s hold was soft at first but now it’s like you’re grounded beside him without much of a choice

“you are meticulous, i will give you that. when do you leave for beijing?”

sicheng’s gaze is on you now

he has brown eyes like everyone else in the room, but they don’t look human when they’re only mere centimeters away

they seem to be speckled with foils of gold, as if they’re reflecting light from an unknown source

the power almost leaves you unable to speak and you assume sicheng must be aware of this overwhelming effect he has on people

because once again, the small smirks blossoms and he answers easily

“whenever they’re ready.”

“m-me?”

you feel him squeeze your palm

“shall i drive you home so you can get your bag?”

your hands shake as you reach for your toothbrush - acutely aware of the presence that’s occupying your living room

sicheng had commented, after getting out of the car and opening your side of the door like a gentleman from a movie, that your quaint apartment building was “cute”

he had seemed almost amused by the fact that you still used keys to get in

“you don’t have a keypad?”

“the building is a bit old so ,,,,,,,, “

he had hummed - shadowing after you into your cramped living space

you had invited him to sit down, but he had taken right away to the window

realizing it now as you tried to pack without going into full-blown panic about the situation, that window looked right out onto the street he’d parked

meticulous,,,,,,,, that’s the word jaehyun used to describe him,,,,,,,,,i wonder if that’s a good thing?

your train of thought is cut off when you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket

you thank your past self for putting it on silence and pick it up, trying to mask your whispering with turning on the sink water

a friends voice crackles to life on the other end

“hey, are we still on for lunch tomorrow? i wanna hear all about your new job!”

you want to match their enthusiasm, but with everything that’s transpired - you can barely work it up

“ah- i can’t i -”

you rack your brain for a believable excuse as to why you can’t keep the date - oh my grandma’s sick, oh i have to do overtime even though it’s my second day, oh i accidentally stumbled into the inner business of an illegal ring of criminals who said my life is in danger now!

but another thought dawns on you

couldn’t i just tell my friend im in trouble? couldn’t she call the police for me and then this nightmare would be over?

your pause leaves your friend confused on the other end of the line

sicheng is in the other room, but you could take him on - couldn’t you?

you swallow - a nervous feeling like cold ice flows through your veins and you start

“hey, actually - “

you stop short

won’t she just laugh at me? whose going to believe me - a lowly intern - that the biggest family name in south korea are actually a bunch of criminals?

“actually, i got a little sick. i’ll text you when i can do lunch again, anyway - gotta go!”

you hang up before your friend can even protest. you stare as the screen ends the call and your background photo pops up instead

a knock on the bathroom door nearly makes you jump out of your skin

“all ready?”

“y-yes, im coming out.”

you turn your phone off and place it in your pocket again. you gather your toothbrush and some other necessities

you give sicheng a weak smile as you pass him, not sure if it’s because you’re terrified he might know about the call or if you’re trying to calm yourself too by putting on this act that you’re fine

that you’re not ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, scared

“that’s a light bag. do you have everything you’ll need?”

sicheng’s words come out slow and calculated as he looks at your duffel bag

you nod, slinging it over your shoulder

“we will be in bejing for some time.”

he looks you up and down and again those inhuman eyes seem to eat you up whole

he then says something in mandarin - leaving you staring at him stupified from lack of understanding

but he seems to think you don’t need to know what he’s said as he ushers you back into the car

you watch the cars pass you by on the way to the airport. you try to take in details because you’re worried you’ll never see this country again

who knows what will happen in bejing? but sicheng can keep me safe, right?

suddenly you feel a hand on your shoulder - you look back over and see sicheng is still watching the road ahead

but his large palm is resting on the material of your shirt

“you did a good job.”

“w-what?”

“you lied to your friend, that was the right decision.”

he pulls his hand back and onto the wheel

even though he’d been speaking to you - he hadn’t even bothered to initiate the eye contact

though you don’t know if you could stand it, feeling your face pale because how had he known? had he been listening in on your when you were in the bathroom?

the care turns the bend leading up to the doors of the gates, the switchboard lists numerous asian countries and the destination flights and terminal numbers

laos, thailand, india, indonesia - so many other places than china, than beijing

sicheng swiftly walks in the direction opposite the ticketing booth and you catch up to him only after you’ve noticed how many strides away he is

“shou-shouldn’t we check-in?”

he simply smiles over his shoulder and you don’t know what the feeling coiling up in your stomach means

you clutch the strap of your bag and follow him through the large, unfamiliar airport

don’t we look suspicious together? sicheng is so tall and walks with such refinement - and im carrying this duffel bag ive had since freshman year of highschool,,,,,,,,,,,isn’t someone bound to notice us?

but it doesn’t happen - instead, the security seem rather cordial even friendly toward sicheng

tipping their heads or smiling when he flutters by

is this the jung influence? or is sicheng something of a powerhouse himself?

you’re lost in your thoughts when suddenly a gust of air hits you - the automatic doors at the end of a long hallway you didn’t even notice you were passing through open

and sicheng saunters up to one of the many small, but sleek jets that are parked in a quartered off section of the airstrip

a pilot greets sicheng in mandarin, they begin discussing something as you stand with your eyes wide open

a private JET?

you run your eyes along the white body before reaching one of the wings. spanned over it are chinese characters you’re not familiar with.

“come, it will take maybe two hours.”

sicheng steps back as the ladder extend from the jet’s one entranceway

the pilot and he wait as you make your way up the stairs - legs barely holding you up from the utter shock

the jet is just like you imagine it to be - everything is so unnecessarily fancy

and you sit stiffly in the oversize chair - eyes wavering on the flatscreen tv that hangs above the partition to the pilots cabinet

sicheng follows after, patting your shoulder again

“relax”

he says - or commands - it’s all a blur and you close your eyes softly and to yourself begging that this is all a dream - it has to be ,,,,,,,,,, it just has to be

when you land in beijing it’s already early dawn - you’re exhausted to no end, even though you think you took a nap on the plane

either that or spent the whole time sweating about how this was really happening - really, really happening

from waking up this morning, going to your first day on the job, spotting mark and jungwoo, ending up in the basement of jung enterprises, packing your bag

and now here

with sicheng

in beijing

sicheng doesn’t seem phased at all, he looks like this is another day on the clock for him as he takes your duffel bag off your tired shoulders and heads off the jet with a nod toward the pilot

“it’s ok i can carry-”

“your eyes are tired. you need sleep.”

well,,,,,,he’s not wrong but -

“are we going to your house?”

it’s probably the most childish thing you could ask right about now, but sicheng doesn’t seem to mind

he simply shakes his head

your exhaustion makes it hard for you to be as scared and as nervous as you were before. the panic you’d felt had drained you

so even though your mind was blaring alarms, you followed behind him like a puppy

what else could you do? he was the only person you had in this new place

as you two walk out through the airport, you’re surprised to see the beijing is still bustling even though it’s so early

the clock on the switchboard glares that it’s about 5 in the morning, but business people and travelers are already making the rounds

sicheng glides through them with ease, but unlike before - he keeps his head down

sort of using your duffel bag to shield the view of his profile

you scamper to keep up with his long legs, and finally, you end outside again

sicheng brings his phone out and makes a call, and nearly a minute later a motorcycle pulls up before you two

sicheng drops the duffel bag back in your arms

“yukhei. take care of them.”

“why aren’t you speaking man- oh oh i see~”

the rider takes off the matte black helmet to reveal a handsome, young face underneath

“im yukhei!”

he introduces - but sicheng just pushes you gently forward and clicks his tongue at yukhei

“go. they are tired.”

yukhei huffs but beckons you closer. you turn to sicheng and open your mouth as if to say “are you insane? im not getting on the back of some random dude’s bike!”

but sicheng’s eyes swirl a little colder and you decide to keep your queries to yourself

plus,,,,,,,,,,,yukhei seems nice? he doesn’t have a,,,,,,taeyong or a jaehyun vibe,,,,,,,,,,

“you will see me again, don’t worry.”

“oh sicheng - look at you being all caring, wait till hendery hears about this!”

yukhei teases and you give an understanding nod as you back up toward yukhei

he grabs your duffel bag, slinging it over himself and confidently tells you to get on and cling to him as hard as you can

sicheng rolls his eyes before he’s gone back into the crowd of the airport

what’s going on? i thought he was going to “take care” of me?

you assume yukhei’s going to take you to his home - or to someones home - not to the ritzy hotel lobby you stop in front of

decorated in old decdeance and gold

“um -”

yukhei waves to the desk girls who all giggle into their palm and then tugs you up behind him

for some reason, even though you can’t understand it, their whispers smell like jealousy and your cheeks start to burn

he brings you up to the 9th floor and there’s a room with the same chinese characters that were on the jet

you take the moment to ask yukhei, “does this say jung enterprises?”

he laughs, “no - they say dong sicheng!”

you blink back confusion, but then he’s pulling you into the grandiose suite and pointing out that the bedroom is down that hall - that sicheng said you were tired and it’d do good to get some rest

“where did sicheng go?”

yukhei shrugs

“probably to deal with his parents, anyway ill be here! so you’ll be safe - that’s a wong man’s promise!”

you nod - turning on your heel to go toward the room but stopping to ask one more question

“is sicheng,,,,,,,, famous here?”

yukhei almost doubles over with laughter because he genuinely thinks you’re joking

but when the blank look on your face doesn’t change he straightens up

“well, yeah - he’s the only son of the dong family. they’re basically chinese royalty.”

you hit the hotel pillows and for a second you think your body is melting into the sheets

you had wanted to pry yukhei more about sicheng - but the weight of the world had pushed you right into bed

you curl up and try to remind yourself to ask later, later - after a little nap

you think it’s part of your dream, the insistent shaking and the screaming, you think it’s just a bad dream cultivated from the rollercoaster of emotions you’ve been on today

but then you wince - because the yell is loud and gruff and the hand on you is cold to the touch

with a gasp, you wake up and see yourself staring up at a man

he’s unfamiliar, with a gun pointed directly at you

he’s telling you to do something in mandarin but you have no idea what and you pull away, eyes big and frightened

you can tell he’s getting frustrated, he leans over to grab at your ankle and harshly pull you off the bed

when a hand wraps its way around his neck and turns it to the side with a loud and perfect crack

the gun that had been in his hand goes falling onto the sheets and you scream

sicheng is standing behind the crumpled over body and he reaches toward you

afraid you coil up, threatened and shaking, but he soothes in his slow voice

“i won’t hurt you, i need you to trust me.”

you want to scream again - trust him? trust him? everything is ruined because of him and whatever stupid fucking scheme you got caught up in

but you know you can’t - whatever is happening is wrong - and when you feel him pull you toward him, it’s like your instincts are telling you this is the safest place right now

beside sicheng

you hear his name being called from the next room, you think the voice is yukhei

there’s another voice - maybe two or three and as sicheng leads you back into the suite’s main hall you see that there are multiple of these masked men

all restrained on the ground with rope - or being held back by who you can only assume are sicheng’s accomplices

“kun - are there anymore?”

“no, this should be all of them.”

the exchanges are quick and in mandarin - you can’t understand and you desperately bunch up the fabric of sicheng’s shirt as your knuckles go white from clinging to him

his broad back keeps you nearly out of sight from everyone when you feel it -

something swats at you - in an upwards motion - it almost knicks you

but sicheng’s reaction is fast and he spins you both so that you end up in his position and he ends up in yours

the small pocket knife cuts the left side of his cheek and the blood streaks down onto his chin

not even taking note of it - sicheng reaches out - hand on the face of the assailant as he tugs him down by the hair and delivers a strong knee to their face

they tumble backward - and you realize it was another one of those men

they’d been aiming for your back with that knife and instead - sicheng had taken the blow

you look up and sicheng barks something out - but you aren’t even mentally in the room in anymore

instead you’re looking up at him, his beautiful skin is stained with the red from the gash

you want to ask first if he’s ok - if he needs a bandage, but that’s ridiculous the answer is: of course he needs one

but the second question stays with you for a long time - why? why are you protecting me? wouldn’t it be easier if i get hurt and then you and the jungs don’t have to worry about me anymore?

either way - when you come to - you see that those men are gone and instead

you’re sitting on the coach beside sicheng and yukhei and a group of other men

“sicheng - seriously, why would you volunteer to take them here? you’re already a target yourself - isn’t this just doubling the risk?”

“isn’t it obvious kun - look how cute they are!”

“oh my god hendery is THAT the only thing that ever crosses your mind?”

“im just saying, isn’t that the reason sicheng - huh? huh?”

you can’t catch what’s being said - but suddenly the eyes are all on you

sicheng’s cheek has been cleaned up and patched - he explains that you don’t understand mandarin all that well and the mood in the air shifts

“that’s fine! ill use english - im hendery, and the rest of these idiots are not important! soooooooooo tell us, how’d you woo sicheng?”

someone makes a sound of disdain and you look in the direction away from hendery, this person is sitting up straight - posture absolutely immaculate and glasses perched on the end of his nose

his arms are crossed and he looks defensive

“that’s kun! he absolutely suuuuuuuuuuuuucks!”

hendery sings and falls back against the shoulder of another boy who shoves him off

kun directs his eyes onto you and then narrows them

“so - you’re sichengs new plaything?”

“kun.”

sicheng starts and kun doesn’t glance his way

“what? am i wrong?”

the tone of voice is condescending and judgmental - he doesn’t even know you and yet he’s saying something so rude?

“who cares, sicheng - did you tell your parents your back? chances are they sent those goons after you.”

“hendery ,,,,,,,, why would his own parents try to have him murdered?”

the boy throws his hands up in exclaim

“i don’t know? for the drama! they’re entertainment moguls - imagine the press stories!”

you sit up a little at the new fact - so sicheng’s parents are in the entertainment business? what’s he doing working for the jungs?

“no, they don’t know. but right now, i need to ask you guys to help me.”

“is something wrong?”

your voice is shaking as you ask, but sicheng gives you a soothing smile - it’s not very much effective with that huge gash on his cheek though

“no. i just thought our entrance to beijing would be safer. kun and yukhei - will you keep them company while i clean up this mess?”

kun is about to say: absolutely not

but yukhei jumps up and winks

“of course - you just be careful ok sicheng!”

sicheng turns to you and tells you he’ll be back soon.

that’s a lie.

he vanishes for over a week and during that week you end up being moved into the almost dubiously normal apartment where kun lives

on the outside, it looks normal - middle class

it’s nice, but not fancy. the neighbors are all either hardworking youths or families

kun is known to them as a graduate student with an interest in tech

but the reality is, it’s a money-laundering den set up under the jungs

when you’re first dropped off there by yukhei - kun refuses to acknowledge your existence

he sits behind his computer - wiring checks through different banks and forging signatures

another side business you figure out from your hours of observing is money fraud

kun spends great time looking at foreign bills and reproducing them to perfection

one day you lean over and look at the sample bill he’s made

pointing out the serial number on the left

“you can’t keep it this way.”

you point out and kun tosses a look at you over his shoulder

“excuse me?”

“there would never be a chain of numbers starting with this - it’s a misplaced pattern and tellers will now it’s fake.”

“how do you-”

you shrug, “i went to poland when i was younger and i just remember this detail.”

you turn the bill around and then pass it back to kun

he stares at you - once disinterested and even angry expression turned rather intrigued

“are you usually interested in details?”

you sit down beside him and look at his screen, it’s in another language - polish you presume - so you don’t get any of it

but you nod

“details always make sense - people in my program back in university would say im a perfectionist, but i just don’t want to make-”

“mistakes?”

kun finishes your sentence, pushing his glasses back up by the frame and you nod

“yes. this is why all of this is so nerve-wracking. it’s too bizarre. the details don’t add up.”

kun snorts, “details usually aren’t supposed to add up in this business. otherwise, the wrong people will come looking for you.”

“you mean like the police”

kun gives you an almost sympathetic side glance - although he can’t blame you, you’re not used to this - sicheng made it worse by bringing you here as a part of some stupid deal with the jungs

and then sort of tossed you into the corners

“here, let’s see how detailed you are.”

kun shuffles through a pile of folders and places them in front of you

“they’re various fakes i’ve made before - it’s really wasting time but if you can find the problems it should keep you entertained for a while?”

you smile, taking the folder and for the first time there’s almost a little bit of warmth coming from kun

even when yukhei swings by with lunch - he seems peppy about the change in the “temperature” of the room

the days get a little better as you wait around for sicheng to come back

kun is actually quite,,,,,,, tolerable of you,,,,,,,,and he’s impressed that you didn’t lie

you pick out some of his fault bills and he seems to respect you a little more for the way you carefully handle the nonsense, but welcome tasks he gives you

one afternoon, yukhei is back with lunch - this time with hendery in tow

“hey if you’re bored you can come take a ride with me-”

he starts to ask, slurping up his noodles before receiving a whack on the head from kun

“taking them out would be dangerous yukhei, think before you speak.”

“OW! I BURNED MY TONGUE KUN!”

you look down into the broth and sigh

“is kun being super mean to you still?”

hendery whispers when he hears you - but you shake your head

“i just wonder,,,,,,where is sicheng anyway?”

hendery sits back up and shrugs

“if you wanna see him so bad - we can make it happen. hey kun, can i turn on the tv?”

your eyebrows furrow

“why? did something happen - was it on the news?”

you get up, almost spilling your noodles - your look of alarm only humors the two boys as they reassure that’s not it

when hendery fishes the control out from one of the bookshelves he clicks through the static and the channels before settling on one

you stare at the screen - it looks like a movie? or maybe a drama?

the setting reminds you of your university, the library, the students and then -

“s-sicheng?!”

you lean forward and your jaw nearly drops because sicheng pops up on the screen

his lines are all in mandarin and he’s being pulled around by what is probably his love interest in the drama

but that’s not why you’re in disbelief

not only does he work for the jungs - he’s ,,,,,,,,,,,, he’s an actor?!?!

“he’s super popular here too - his face is on like every brand of ice-cream.”

hendery chimes in and you want to ask something when kun marches back in - shutting the tv off

“they didn’t have to know that”

he hisses and yukhei rolls his eyes, “if they’re going to be here for six months - they’re bound to find out!”

hendery nods in agreement

“the dong family are all famous actors, but they also own a number of the big fine arts theaters in mainland china. sicheng acts, but he’s probably going to take over one of the departments soon.”

“h-how if he works for the jungs?”

yukhei taps his chin and hendery shifts sort of uncomfortably like there’s some kind of truth that everyone knows except you

you want to call it out, but suddenly the door clicks open and sicheng comes in

he’s wearing all black, hair stylishly done up and he slips the mask off his face as he greets you with a gleaming smile

“see, i said i would be back.”

you don’t have to ask him where he’s been or what he’s doing anymore - you’ve sort of pieced it all together

he comes closer and closer until he’s putting a hand on your head and giving it a little pat

“sicheng you can’t just pet someone like they’re a -”

kun starts, but you don’t hear the rest

is this what jaehyun meant - meticulous? organized? so well - that he could live a double life as a beloved actor in china and a criminal in south korea?

the stars in your eyes are apparent to everyone in the room, kun tenses up, but sicheng is used to it

he turns after “greeting” you and asks kun how the transfers are coming along

hendery and yukhei snicker and venture into the kitchen

you’re not sure how embarrassed you’re supposed to feel - but you are sure that something on your skin feels a little hot

sicheng sticks around, he even moves you back out of kun’s apartment front and into a nearby hotel

less fancy than the other one and this time, he requests that the back entrance be available for him to come and go

one evening you’re sitting beside him as he finishes a call with jaehyun and you ask the itching question on your mind

“why did you join the jungs if you’re so successful here in china?”

his mouth twitches up a little

“ah - so you found out?”

“that you’re the son of famous actors and are on every makeup brand ad in beijing? yes - i found out.”

he laughs

“you’re being sarcastic - right?”

you blush, you don’t know why, and look down at your feet

“well - i don’t know. i joined because i was bored?”

“b-bored?”

he leans back against the sofa and looks up at the ceiling

the angle highlights the strength of his jaw and glistening of his skin, the scar on his cheek is healing and even it can’t take away from his beauty

“yes. being famous isn’t all it’s cut out to be.”

he grins

“don’t i sound selfish?”

you shift

“were those men who broke into the hotel, were they after you - or after,,,,,me?”

“oh, they were after me. i havent been in beijing for over a year. my parents put out a reward if i was found.”

“a year? then that drama hendery showed me -”

he tilts his head your way and his gaze alone makes you feel a shiver in your spine

“was it where i played a university student?”

“yes”

“ah - it was a rerun. i shot it two or three years back.”

“and it’s still on air?!”

he humbles himself with a shoulder shrug, “maybe it’s that popular?”

part of the way he talks so languidly about all of this irritates you - but the other part of you can’t help but be mesmerized

what kind of person finds boredom in a life born into stardom? what kind of person doesn’t pick up a hobby to help it - like video games or crocheting

instead choosing to be the overseas link for a gigantic company like jung enterprises

so many questions fill your head, more than when you were basically forced to come here in fear of your life

sicheng grins and says something carefully - as if he’s cautious about the right words

“i can hear it. the gears in your head turning. you are curious, right?”

you try to shake your head, but it has to be obvious - sicheng’s read you like an open book since you made eye contact back in the basement of the jungs

“it’s just ,,,,,,,, a lot.”

he suddenly leans in close - pretty face mere inches from yours

“i know what can take your mind off of it.”

the thoughts that had clouded your brain seize - everything in your body seems to come to a screeching halt

he’d always had this power of overwhelming you, but now he was - he was tipping over that border

“sich-”

you can’t even say his name, not when he’s looking at you like that and talking to you in that voice

what does he mean? what does he have in mind? is it what im thinking-

the moment where he’d saved you from the attacker in the hotel room seeps back into you

the feel of you pressed into his back - the fact that it didn’t make sense for him to protect you like he did, to take the pain for you

he’d known you for less than 48 hours and he’d done that - what were his motives? it didn’t make sense

and on top of that, he was china’s it boy - he really - he would never put the moves on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you?

sicheng laughs because it looks like steam might come out of your ears

he takes your hand in yours and goes

“i was suggesting i take you out to see beijing, so you can stop having all these questions and see the beauty of the city.”

something inside you pops with relief, but another part - deeper away - deflates

exactly. he’s an it boy, a dream boy, so you need to stop thinking that stupid little act of kindness meant anything. especially not in the grand scheme of things.

you chuckle, as a way to push past your nervousness and nod

“s-sure”

you inch a little bit away from him and sicheng thinks it’s amusing

“but - are you sure you can just gon on the street? won’t you be,,,,,,, mobbed?”

sicheng fishes a black facemask from his pocket - “hiding in plain sight?”

you don’t know why your stomach does a little flip like you’re on some first date back home, but it does

as sicheng tugs you through the busy streets and you can tell that no one really looks twice at him - not with the mask and the baseball cap

and you’re inconspicuous in general, blending in among the talkative tourists and rushing native trying to get to and from all the places sicheng wishes he could show you

you can’t see all of beijing in two hours - and sicheng is definitely trying to play it safe - so he takes you wangfujing, buying up snacks and pointing out the crafts and decorations the hang between the malls

you spot his face on advertisements left and right - kind of thrilled by the act that no one even knows that their favorite actor is pulling you behind them right under their noses

sicheng explains that his parents own a theater nearby, that if he could he’d love to show you some of the productions they put on

and you ask in the busy, loud street if sicheng likes acting on stage or on the screen the most

he astonishes you once again when he picks neither

he takes your hand and twirls you around, much to the utter annoyance of some older women

and pulls you in close

“i like dancing the most.”

the whole experience feels like a fever dream of some sort - from the moment you two sneak out the back door of the hotel

to when you’re back and standing in front of the bed holding a panda sicheng had bartered to buy you

it says beijing loves you in bold letters on the tshirt it’s wearing and you don’t know why but you hold it close to your chest

beijing doesn’t love you - it doesn’t even want you to be here - and you wish you were home, feeling the lack of familiarity starting to grow

but something warm lingers, from where sichengs hands passed the bear onto you

and your tears dry up on your cheeks and you think - it’s fine, it’s only six months

sicheng explains the next day that he needs to be gone for a bit, just to do some small parts in order to please his parents and keep off the radar of anyone looking for the jungs here in china

he leaves you in kun’s care - and after time has gone by, you can tell kun has warmed up to you

actually letting you do tasks that would help him - and even offering to cook you lunch one afternoon

the only thing that seems to irk him as much as when you two first met is the mention of sicheng

but it’s not like you can help it - there’s so much you don’t know

you set the pile of highlighted documents down near kun

“you’re done?”

“yep, i checked them over twice - you don’t have to ask.”

you laugh and kun even seems to give you a twinkle of a smile in return

you shift a little, looking around the room

“do you know if sicheng is shooting another drama?”

kun’s fingers stop typing and he looks at you for a second

the coldness is back in the dark brown of his eyes and he clears his throat

“you need to be careful.”

“what?”

kun looks back at this screen and then at you, taking the time to slip his glasses down on the file you’ve put before him

“don’t fall in love with sicheng, everyone always does it and everyone always ends up the same.”

“the same?”

kun clenches his teeth

“do i have to spell it out for you? they end up heartbroken and feeling like an idiot.”

you don’t understand the spite, aren’t he and sicheng friends?

“i -”

“there are other men in the world. men that don’t live double lives, running around eating up the spotlight. don’t get me wrong, i respect sicheng. he works hard to make everyone happy. but he isn’t - “

kun searches for the word as you stand there feeling more and more pathetic by the second

“but he isn’t reliable. you should know that, with the way he comes and goes.”

you think, well you know, kun is right.

to be honest - you don’t think you’re in love with sicheng - how could you be? you’ve only known him for a bit over a month.

although you think it’s strange, that the moment he saved you replays in your mind more than the moment when you woke up in the jung’s basement

more than when you met all of sicheng’s friends

or even more then when you got to run around beijing with him for a little while

you go to sleep now, every night thinking back to it, thinking back to the image of him standing between you and danger

blood dripping down his cheek - not a seconds of hesitation when it came to protecting you

with kun’s logic, he’s right - sicheng probably did it because of some impulse or even worse - because he wanted to be a hero

he’s an actor after all, the limelight is a specialty, but you can’t help but buck against the ideas

it had felt like sicheng did it because he didn’t want you to be the one hurt

was it because jaehyun would get on his case? but why - having you gone eliminates the problem

was it because he’d look cool in front of his friends? his friends didn’t even know you, and kun didn’t even seem to want to know you back then

so why? why? why?

you don’t look at kun - you just sort of nod and ask if there’s anything else you can do

kun waves you off, but an hour or so seems to feel slightly bad for blowing up on you

offering that you two go out and buy some groceries for a nicer dinner than instant ramen or fastfood that yukhei could bring back on his bike

you agree, mostly because you don’t want to revert back to the awkward and hateful atmosphere that you’d first had to stew in when you met each other

and to your relief, neither does kun

you guys talk naturally - even confusing the cashier who kun shyly explains to you called you his significant other on accident

you laugh it off and are too busy rummaging through the bags to see the way kun’s eyes linger on you

as you’re walking back to the apartment - kun stops under on of the streetlights

you turn back and ask what’s wrong

“i want to ask you again, well i didn’t ask the first time - i just made the assumption, but are you in love with sicheng?”

you feel your hands sort of twitch in response - you thought that conversation had been buried away

“i-”

you start, wanting to explain to kun where you are right now - what you’re thinking

hendery, xiaojun, yukhei - they were always kind to you. but kun had spent the most time with you and you were getting to a point where you thought you could see him as a sort of confident about all this

you obviously didn’t want to worry sicheng with your doubts (or your emotions)

so telling kun might actually make it better

“kun, i just i think i-”

the sound of tires reveing against the street cuts your sentence off

you both turn to see yukhei’s familiar motorcycle and he waves as he pulls up onto the curb

tugging off the helmet he greets you two with his usually goofy smile and points to the grocery bags

“is mama kun making something good tonight? can i join?”

you giggle and kun rolls his eyes, but invites him anyway

the weird moment and the weird question kun had asked melt away, at least they do for you

as you listen to yukhei excitedly explain one of the new upgrades on his bike

kun slinks a little behind. he wonders what you were going to say.

for a while everything seems to be “normal”

normal meaning no one attacks you in the hotel room or comes raiding kun’s apartment

you think surviving this isn’t going to be that hard - not the horrible nightmare you had thought it was when you were getting on the jet to fly over here

when sicheng is around, he’s always got a way of keeping your attention. you usually don’t focus on anything but the work kun gives you

but when sicheng is there - you kind of feel like another fan watching one of his dramas - he’s just ,,,,,, he’s like living artwork

and you know he knows you peek - because sometimes he’ll look back at you and wink

the mindless flirting sort of makes you feel sprinkles of joy, but you try to level it out with what kun had said

maybe you are another “plaything” - something sicheng thought he could keep around for when he’s bored

but he’s otherwise,,,,, respectful,,,,he never crosses a boundary or does something that might make you feel like a toy - or like less of a person

if anything, he’s done more to keep you safe and happy

when he isn’t around though - you help kun out with small tasks which you say aren’t really criminal right?

most of the money, according to kun and sicheng, is just from “sales” the jungs makes

you don’t ask - they don’t tell and plus you’d rather do these tasks than sit around being useless

you’re scared that’ll make kun hate you again

hendery will sometimes come over and make you laugh, yukhei keeps pestering about that ride on his bike that kun refues him from giving you and xiaojun - though reserved - tries to make you feel comfortable too

you think it’s crazy, such sweet boys work for the jungs - but for some unknown reason they don’t mention it

and they never help kun or sicheng with this work? actually you’re not sure - do they also work for the jungs? do they work for sicheng’s parents?

still many questions - but it somehow feels like you’ve fallen into an ok groove

one call from jaehyun ruins all of that

sicheng had been around, making you feel giddy and safe for the past few days

you, him, and kun had been working on printing money for an upcoming trip doyoung was going to take under the guise of a “marketing meeting”

when the phone had wrung and the color had seemed to drain out of sicheng’s face

you didn’t know why, but you gut said it had something to do with you - and you were right

immediately after hanging up, sicheng had called out your name

“get up, we have to leave. now.”

instead of scrambling to your feet first - kun beat you, grabbing sicheng by the arm

“what’s happening? where are you taking them?”

sicheng shrugs him off

“don’t be concerned. make sure yukhei knows im taking his bike.”

panic starts to make your mind go fuzzy, the room spins as sicheng starts collecting your things

“the hotel has my -”

“no time, let’s go. i need to get you to safety. it’s part of the deal.”

the deal?

you follow after him, as confused and scared as the first time he’d lead you into this unknown place

but this time kun takes a hold of your wrist and tugs you back toward him

sicheng turns on his heel at the sound of your back hitting kun’s chest

“tell me where you’re taking them sicheng, im not joking.”

“kun let them go.”

“tell me.”

the hold tightens and you stare up at kun - something is different about him, he could be cold and unagreeable but this was just downright,,,,,,,,,,, frightening

“im sick of it, what was the point of bringing them here in the first place? did you get tired of playing around with the stars - wanted to ruin someone innocent?”

sicheng’s eyes overcast

“kun - what are you accusing me of?”

“they’re a person, sicheng. a person whose life you put in danger by getting them involved with you - with us - with the fucking psychopath jungs. don’t you remember what they’re doing to ten and yangyang?

two names you’ve never heard of pop up and you want to ask what the hell is going on

but then the two of them switch into fast paced mandarin and you’re stuck in an absolute limbo

“of course i remember, that’s why i started this. i thought it would help ten and yangyang.”

“and what about now? what about taking them out and frolicking about the city like you aren’t famous? like your parents wouldn’t blow a lid on you and this whole thing if they found you out on a date with someone they’ve never met before?”

“kun, it’s my life. i can do wh-”

“it’s THEIR life too sicheng - people are not toys! stop treating them like they are!”

sicheng’s hand suddenly wraps around your other wrist

“they aren’t a toy to me. you wouldn’t understand.”

“tell me sicheng, sicheng who was born with a goddamn gold spoon in his mouth - what wouldn’t i understand? the way you take people and use them up?”

sicheng jerks you, and out of fear of hurting you, kun lets you go

you fall back against sicheng’s side

“they’re just like me kun. they ended up in a situation they didn’t want to be in. they were scared and couldn’t tell anyone. it’s simple, i saw myself in them and want to keep them safe.”

“you? keep someone safe - sicheng you’re more selfish -”

sicheng leans forward, you look up into his eyes and he ignores kun as he presses his lips tenderly to yours

he pulls away - your body frozen over as he locks eyes with kun again

“i can be selfish, just like you’ll always think i am, and that’s why im taking them right now. somewhere safe.”

he turns and you barely follow behind - knees shaking

kun commands sicheng to turn around and explain, but sicheng shakes his head

“you can’t think straight right now, it’s the jealousy talking - you won’t hear me out.”

you are still trying to process what the hell happened as sicheng throws a leg over yukhei’s motorcycle

he beckons you over and before he slips the helmet over your head - you ask him, words barely audible

“wh-why did you kiss me?”

he gives you a small smile - but it’s not the one you’re so used to seeing

so used to being struck by

it’s almost,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,sad

“because i might not get the chance to ever again.”

he turns on the engine and motions for you to hop on

you do, because you trust him, wrapping your arms tight around his waist

sicheng speeds off into the streets at a pace even yukhei hasn’t gone at

you suddenly wish he’d have worn the helmet instead - but you somehow know he wouldn’t have allowed that

you think you might be suffocating sicheng with how hard you’re clinging onto him - just like that time in the hotel ambush

you don’t know where he’s taking you or what’s going on - you don’t know anything and yet what scares you the most is what he’d said

why won’t i ever see you again? is it because you’ll die? or because i’ll die? is there trouble? i just want you to tell me you’ll keep me safe again,,,,

to motorcycle pulls up to the gates of a large open field - in the field you see the jet that brought you to beijing

in front of it is the pilot - who doesn’t waste time getting the stairs down from the opening of the jet

sicheng gets off the bike first, helping you right after and slipping the helmet off your head

gently he fixes the strands of your hair that have gotten all messy and you talk a mile a minute

“sicheng what’s going on? why was kun so angry? and why do i have to lea-”

“one question.”

he goes

“ask me one question, and then you must leave.”

you swallow - your throat is dry and you stare into his beautiful eyes - those golden specks rotate hypnotizingly around his pupil

why did you kiss me?

why were you and kun fighting?

where am i going?

what happened?

“why,,,,,,,,did you save me on my first day in beijing - wouldn’t it have been easier for me to,,,,,,,to have just been hurt?”

he smiles, tilting his head a little as he keeps his eyes locked on yours

“because i said i would keep you safe. that’s a silly question.”

“but you didn’t have to - you didn’t have to - no one is forcing you to keep that stupid promise to jaehyun,,,,,,”

he runs a hand down your cheek

“it’s complicated. but ill tell you something. even if it really didn’t matter, even if i had just met you. i still would have protected you.”

he leans in and once again you think he’s going to kiss your lips - leave you frozen and unable to think for yourself

but he doesn’t kiss your lips - he kisses your forehead and mutters

“because we’re the same.”

the words are cryptic - you can’t ask what he means because the pilot is gently pulling you toward him instead - toward the jet

when you get on - you rush to open the window and see as sicheng gets back on the bike

he looks over his shoulder and it makes your heart stop for a second in your chest

before he’s gone

the plane flys you back to korea, where mark and johnny pick you up from the airport

you ask them what’s the issue and mark explains that a criminal rival of the jungs in china had been suspicious of sicheng for a while

that one of his informants had caught a glance of you and sicheng on the street - confirming the suspicion that he’d been working for the jungs

“technically we asked sicheng to come back with you - so we could protect him too, but looks like he said he’d take care of it himself.”

“so,,,,,,,,so it’s my fault,,,,,,”

you whisper and johnny tries to play it off - “of course not! it’s not your fault - plus jaehyun trusts sicheng can handle himself! now c’mon, how can we turn that frown upside down?”

you look out of the window of the car - lost in thoughts, and mark taps johnny on the shoulder - motioning to leave you alone for right now

a couple of days pass and you’re allowed back in your apartment - of course a member of jaehyun’s team is always there to keep an eye on you

you don’t really know what to do but wait and see if someone - anyone - will give you an update

did that person see me and sicheng when we went out together? was it when we landed? if i had never chosen him and went to beijing then he wouldn’t have gotten in this trouble!

it’s when the door opens and instead of haechan or jungwoo, yukhei comes in and mark springs up in confusion

he pulls his gun - “who are you?!”

“yukhei!”

mark turns to you, “we said not to tell your friends-”

“hey hey, what’s the problem little dude - im with sicheng!”

mark blinks “you’re with sicheng?”

from behind yukhei steps out just the man of the hour

you notice a cast wrapped around his arm, but other than that he’s relatively unharmed

you rush toward him - nearly tackling him

“are you ok? im so sorry - if it wasn’t for you having to take me with you back to beijinig-”

sicheng puts the other hand on your cheek and gives it a little squish

“shh. im fine. aren’t you happy to see me?”

mark look between the two of you, bewildered and yukhei elbows him in the side as if they’ve been friends for years

you bury your head in sicheng’s chest and he laughs, gently running the fingers from your cheek into your hair

“let’s go dude - they need their space!”

yukhei exclaims, pulling mark after him and through the small door to your apartment

mark protests, but yukhei overpowers him easily and suddenly it’s just you and sicheng

you think you’re going to start crying - from the happiness and the confusion

“why didn’t you just come back with me? why did you stay?”

sicheng waves the cast around

“i wanted to personally deal with the problem.”

“why?”

“because that bastard threatened to kill you and sicheng actually went crazy on him.”

you look back at the door - where kun is leaning against the frame

“kun! you’re ok!”

you jump to your feet and kun kind of half smirks at the sound of worry in your voice

you don’t see sicheng roll his eyes behind your back, but kun doesn’t step closer

he looks at sicheng and on purpose tells him in mandarin

“i believe you for now, but if you end up tossing them to the side like everyone else - just know ill be waiting. and i won’t forgive you.”

“thanks, but that’s not in the plan.”

you huff

“can you guys please speak so i can understand - you two were in dire danger and the last time you did this you almost killed each other so please, im begging, don’t spike my anxiety through the roof.”

kun lets out a sound, sort of grumbling as he turns to follow after yukhei and mark

you look and see sicheng has stood up

“i now have time to answer any other questions.”

he laces his fingers with yours and you think - where should i start?

“why did you kiss me?”

“wanted to.”

“why did you kiss me in front of kun?”

sicheng grins, “to teach him a little lesson”

“why?”

sicheng shrugs, “just so he knows, that i like you.”

“why do you like me?”

“why - do you not like me?”

you scrunch up your nose and sicheng laughs again -

“fine, it’s because of what i said - you are a lot like me. we’re the same.”

“how?”

you don’t understand - you’re a uni student with an otherwise boring as hell life

how could you and dong sicheng - an actor, a boy born into richness with this starvation for adventure - be even remotely similar

“because even when you were thrown into all this. even when you were scared - you did it.”

“but - how does that make us the same?”

he leans in and suddenly his forehead is pressed to yours

“because i got thrown into this too.”

“i-i- i thought you joined because you were bored!”

he shakes his head, “there are other reasons. one day we’ll talk about them. for now, do you want to go back to beijing with me?”

your stomach twists

“it won’t be safe for you-”

“it will be. it will be safer there than here. plus, kun told me you are quite good with details.......the word jaehyun uses-”

“meticulous?”

“yes. meticulous. what do you think?”

you would agree - you think you are pretty meticulous yourself, but instead of saying anything or asking any of the million questions you still have you hug him again

because sicheng had said before that he’d be afraid he’d only get one chance to kiss you again

and you just are scared of thinking that that could have been the reality of this situation

“ah, xiaojun brought this back by the way.”

sicheng pulls the panda he bought you at the beijing markets and drops it in your hands - you stare at it

the shirt on the panda had said ‘beijing loves you’ before - but, in what you presume is xiaojun’s handwirting, there’s a post it over beijing it says ‘sicheng’

you giggle - but then look up at him

he tkaes the post it off and taps the panda’s head

“so - do you want to come back with me? or do you want to switch and pick someone else?’

“that’s a silly question.”

you copy him and tip toe up to press your lips to his own

he grins against your lips and then goes, “we’re going to have to convince jaehyun though - he was a bit mad about this situation.”

“that’s fine - doesn’t he trust you.”

sicheng nods, looking deep into your eyes

“he does. but i hope he knows that if anything, just say the word and ill always pick you over my allegiance to him.”

you can’t believe what he’s said - you just look at him and see something in those words

“sicheng?”

“yes”

“i don’t know what jaehyun has over you - or how he forced you to work for him - but let’s get it back and let’s make sure you never have to see the jungs again.”

something sparkles in his eyes and he nods, slow and quiet

when you guys rejoin everyone outside, mark is too distracted with yukhei to notice the change in your expression

hendery and xiaojun who are also waiting realize it, yukhei does too when he looks over his shoulder. kun smirks to himself. finally

with your help

they’re all going to get back at the jungs.

spoiler: to know why sicheng joined the jungs - read ten’s special route!

#ok .............ok ................i want feedback on this please i expanded so much energy on it please tell me i cried writing it #i love sicheng so much #also it interlocks with ten's story so please read to understand the ending #regular au #blood/#violence/#sicheng scenarios #winwin scenarios #nct scenarios #wayv scenarios #member: winwin #passes out #winwin #sicheng

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

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more tgcf chapters 143-173 lets goooooo

PEI MING BOO HISS except actually okay he’s mostly funny i think but still boo hiss

“hey who’s this guy who’s really pissed at you?” “oh thats my sword. i broke it.” alright then!

i think i need to go back and reread the banyue pass arc bc im still confused as to whats going on with banyue and pei su

“Banyue dropped from the sky with two pots raised. Without a word, she plummeted with the mouths of the pots facing down, trapping and detaining the shocked Ming’guang and the roaring Ke Mo within.” - THATS MY GIRL

“It must be known that, to heavenly officials, it certainly was more than natural for kingdoms of the mortal realm to fight and annihilate one another; the acts of these plays progressing on endlessly. But when it came their own turn, it was often hard to let things go. If one must stand in the same court as the one who annihilated their own kingdom, and that man cavorted in the heavens, exceedingly flashy, then it must be vexing.” - hmmmm!!

“I’ve spoken too many words in this lifetime. What are you referring to?” - okay to be fair thats a mood

okay its nice to get some pei ming backstory and its funny that he and xie lian are bonding but also still whenever pei ming interacts with a female character my hackles rise like a cat lol

“Xie Lian watched as Banyue thought really hard before cheerfully pulling out a few long, wine-red scorpion-snakes, and putting them into the bubbling pot.” - THATS MY GIRL

“Although “smell” was something colourless and formless, the instant Banyue removed the pot cover, it was as if some mysterious physical object had twisted all the air around the mouth of that pot. The group stared at the sight within the pot for a long time. Their pupils reflected an endless, bottomless darkness; like it could pull them into the abyss. No words could describe the sentiment expressed within their eyes. A moment later, Xie Lian patted Banyue’s shoulder and gave a thumbs-up.” - like father-figure like daughter-figure. amazing.

“However, what if one day mortals discovered something completely new that ran faster than horses? Then, when this new invention overtook horses, worshippers of this heavenly official who controlled horses would inevitably decrease. Such heavenly officials, flashing by like shooting stars, made up the majority of the heavens.” - obsessed with this, genuinely. life and change. worship and its purpose. my religious studies diploma on my wall is screaming at me rn. ALSO i am once again thinking about celebrities

“...” It was only then that Pei Ming seemed to notice, and started to contemplate this question. A moment later, he answered, “A habit. In a dark, creepy place like this, isn’t it normal to hold women in your arms, to comfort them and calm their fears?” “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t scared,” Banyue said.” - BANYUE I LOVE YOU. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. god this takes me back to every college party i ever went to

LING WEN BACKSTORY????? shoeseller chosen for godhood bc she wrote a political essay and got arrested...... and now she’s face to face with the official who appointed her..... do go on.....

“Ling Wen laughed out loud, seeming to be enraged, and her voice dropped. “Very well! You said I couldn’t reach that high. Then, might I ask you: had the prominence of the Palace of Jing Wen at its peak ever reached even the knees of my Palace of Ling Wen??” - GET HIM!!!! BOO HISS JING WEN

“Compared to you, I’m not that bad,” Ling Wen said. “You’d personally order me to stay in the Palace of Jing Wen until midnight, then turn around and say I shamelessly hang around ‘til late to harass you. Words murder without form; I was much nicer responding with blatant violence.” - ling wen im love you..... also this bit... feels Real

BLOOD RAIN BLOOD RAIN BLOOD RAIN!! FLOWER PETALS TRANSFORMATION!!! see hua cheng? look as how cool it can be when you leave the story for a little while!! bc then you get to return and make an entrance!!

“Not only can you bring forth bloody rain, you can also make flowers shower. I didn’t know that. How fun!” - cute!! and in that moment we were all xie lian

“Everyone was stunned by his deed, and Ling Wen arduously gave him a thumbs-up. ”Ol’ Pei, what a man!” Pei Ming gritted his teeth. “WELCOME!” - aww three two tumors buddies!!

okay yin yu is here and xie lian did the equivalent of asking someone when the baby is due only to find out theyre not pregnant at all. then rong guang taunts yin yu and no one says anything. i do love the amount of awkward moments in this book tbh sometimes there are no words.

“All around was sand and mud crushing at him, exceedingly suffocating. The sand and mud was also moving endlessly; the feeling was like he was swallowed into the stomach of a giant monster, and that monster had also eaten a bunch of other things besides him, tumbling everything in its stomach, trying to digest” - ooooh creepy!!! the red string thing... is cute.... also xie lian being able to see hua cheng’s butterfly vision by looking directly into his eye is kinda cool. and obviously homoerotic.

“Are lower-ranked heavenly officials below other people?” Quan Yizhen asked. “No,” Yin Yu replied. Were they not? It was obvious that he himself didn’t believe in his own words, and Quan Yizhen also noticed. A good while later, he said bluntly, “I don’t like it here.” Yin Yu said nothing.” - im having emotions. and then yin yu also saying he doesnt like it there either.... also idk how this scene is going to play out but as much as im enjoying quan yizhen being an icon i can also possibly see how yin yu could eventually get to the point of “i am tired of being nice. i do just want to go apeshit” even if he really cares about qyz. it happens </3

“Indeed,” Hua Cheng said. “Half a year later when Quan Yizhen actually ascends, he won’t find it so funny anymore.” “Can we watch that part too?” Xie Lian asked. “We can. Hold on,” Hua Cheng replied.” - quan yizhen king of taking things literally. also why did this turn into hualian having a movie night

jian yu seems like the kind of asshole who would purposely give someone regular soda when they specifically asked for diet soda. god yin yu is really having a bad day i really feel for him in the whole situation with the brocade immortal

awww okay at least jian yu tried to take responsibility. im still mad at him tho that was objectively a terrible idea. god this whole situation sucked :(

“Rocks and earth crushed at them from all around, forcing their bodies to press tightly against one another, their faces brushing, their ears warm. Although it wasn’t the right time, a thought flashed through Xie Lian’s mind: “‘To die buried together’ doesn’t feel so bad.” - okay... im kind of emotional.... gay people....

okay obviously these murals and the prince of wuyong have some connection (im guessing pretty direct) to xie lian and are important but everytime they start analyzing one i feel like im back in art history class fhadskfhskjdhf not that thats a bad thing!! i liked art history a lot tbh

“Don’t worry, they’re not human,” Hua Cheng said. “It’s precisely because they’re not human that we have to worry, alright….” Xie Lian thought.” - goth ghost bf problems

xie lian: well, there is one person i trust more than anyone else, someone who’s first in my mind hua cheng, oblivious: oh :/ xie lian, also oblivious: what? hua cheng: you shouldnt trust so easily its dangerous xie lian: oh. haha. yeah. well. wanna,,, know who it is? hua cheng: its :) fine :) it :) doesnt :) matter :) but of course you can tell me if you want to gege xie lian, internally: well now ive made it weird hua cheng, 5 minutes later: actually i need you to tell me. right now. its totally for your security me: gay people smh

“As they suspected, he had been captured by Qi Rong. Although no one was bound by ropes, there were balls of greasily green ghost fires hovering over every one of their heads.” - completely off track but anybody else remember the great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts song

“Could there actually come a day when Qi Rong was embarrassed that someone might see the manner in which he ate? Before Xuan Ji entered, she put Guzi down. Guzi, ta-ta-ta, ran in, rushing straight to Qi Rong’s side. But when he saw him, he pointed his finger. He cried, “Dad is eating bad things in secret again!” “I’m not!” Qi Rong retaliated.” SCREAM IS QI RONG LEARNING THE POWER OF LOVE NOOOO also god that poor man whose body he has im starting to doubt if he’ll ever be free jimmy novak flashbacks

everytime we get another ghost king power somewhere someone should be writing hua cheng the cyborg bf in a high tech futuristic au i think thats the only other potential setting that could truly capture this wild ride

“In truth, throughout history, there was no man in the world who didn’t love bragging. A breeze could blow the handkerchief of a brothel girl into a man’s hand, and he would turn around and say the most beautiful of renowned escorts had fallen in love with him; holding shoes and wiping benches for the emperor’s mistress’s uncle’s grandson’s cousin’s mistress would for sure become him being an important administrator at the residence of royal relatives, raising his status. Thus, men who didn’t brag were a rare species.” - SCREAM this is going in my favorite tgcf quotes folder god... mxtx come here let me shake your hand

read the story of rain master yushi huang’s ascension. why am i crying. also this bit im crying again me with my stuffed animals “Thus, while Yushi Huang was cultivating at the Temple of Yulong, every time when she went to seek water and passed that door, she would rub the head of that ox. The door knocker soaked in her essence of life, and when the Rain Master ascended, the ox ascended with her.”

okay thats enough for now i have 7 more chapters to book 4!!! woo!!!

#tgcf liveblog #bedtime now but im excited to be moving on #mouse mumbles

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theravencawsatmidnight · 4 years

Text

White Day with Shinso

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

What is White Day?

White Day is every year in Japan on March 14th . One month after Valentines day . On Valentines day woman in japan give chocolates to men they have feelings for. On White Day men return the chocolates (and sometimes gifts) to the woman they have the same feelings for 🤍

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You always had a crush on Shinso , everything about him was so cool. His quirk was really interesting and he impressed you in the Sports Festival. You were in the support class so you never really got to talk to Shinso, you could only watch from the sidelines , cheering him on.

You spent an entire week trying to perfect chocolate making . You wrote down every mistake you made and spent hours correcting it . You also wanted to do something cute so you bought expensive chocolate decoration tools. Spent a full day watching decoration videos till you fell asleep. The morning of Valentines day you were staring down at the chocolates you made for him. They were round with little pointy chocolate pieces on the top . You carved a little nose into the center and two cat eyes . You had carefully added little black licorice to it for little whiskers.

Carefully you put the chocolates into a red box with thin red paper in it. You closed the box and tied some pretty red leather around the box in a neat knot. You sighed with relief . It was done. Finally.

“I can give him this.. and if he does not feel the same then .. thats okay. At least i finally told him how i feel.”

You rushed to UA as fast as you can, you needed to catch Shinsi before class started otherwise you would not see him at all. You ran up the hill out of breath spotting Monoma admiring himself in the reflection of his phone. You hurried over tapping his shoulder. He turned to you holding his arms out grinning big.

“Y/N!!! My my!! Are those for me ME? Ive already turned down so many today !! But if its from you then-“

“Do you know where Shinso is!!!”

His hands fell and his grin flattened. He gave you an uninpressed look.

“Hes in the locker area..”

“Okay thank you!” You ran off leaving the dissapointed boy

You heaved running to the lockers . Shinso was just closing his locker when you finally made it to him . Before he could say anything the bell rang. You looked at him , hot and out of breath. You were heaving so hard you could not talk. He tilted his head at you rubbing his neck .

“Yes Y/N?”

You held the box out with shaking hands. He stared at it for a minute till the smell made him realize what it was . He forgot what day it was too. Gently he took the box from you and you choked out what you were trying to say.

“Hap!!!-y!! Valentines—!!! Day!-“ you ran off into the school.

Shinso held the box close to his face inspecting it and enjoying the sweet scent coming from it. He opened the box on his way to class. When he got to class he was staring at the little cat face chocolates. They were so cute how could he eat them? Gently he put the top back on re tying it and set them in his backpack for lunch.

You got to class late and youre teacher scolded you for it. You did not really mind though, you did it. You showed Shinso you had feelings for him. Thats all that mattered. The detention you got after school did not matter, or the extra class duties. Nope. Okay maybe a little.

It was lunch time and Shinso also ate by himself on the stairs. It was not noisy there and he could relax. The chocolates were delicious. The licorice was sweet and the little cat ears were really soft. The chocolate itself was filled with melted fudge too. He leaned on the wall smiling down at the box . He was.. suppose to do something back right?

He pulled his phone out trying to search for it but he did not know what to search. Kendo was walking by and spotted the confused tired boy .

“Hey Shinso! Ya look lost you okay?”

“Hey Kendo.” He said not looking up from his phone. “Do you know anything about Valentines Day?”

She blinked walking over and sitting next to him, she smiled when she saw the box and cat chocolates. She elbowed him making him look over at her.

“Got some chocolates i see.”

“Yeah Y/N gave me them.”

Kendo hummed leaning on Shinso making him roll his eyes with a smile on his face. “Yeah yeah, im suppose to do something back right?”

“If you feel the same yeah! Its called White Day, its one month from today. You give them white chocolate or marshmellows and gifts “

“What kinda gifts?”

“Any! I think they have to be white though. What are you gonna do?”

Shinso rubbed his neck staring down at the chocolates for a few minutes. He knew you thought he was pretty cool, but the way classes were he never got to really talk to you. He would get the chance to now.

“ im going to give them chocolates and get them a gift. Just keep it under wraps ok Kendo?”

She gave Shinso a thumbs up hopping up to leave him be. Shinso finished up the chocolates and neatly tucked the box into his bag. He got up and continued on with his day thinking about what to do.

The rest of the month went by fast and Shinso kinda procrastinated untill a couple days before White Day. If he was not training with Aizawa he was asleep. He took his time making the chocolates though, even if it made him late for school. He put the white box in a white bag and left for UA.

He found you at the lockers when he got there but he was too late. The bell run and you ran off into the school, he rubbed his neck looking at the sky trying to think of what to do. While he was thinking he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Kendo eyeing his bag.

“It looks so cute !” She said pointing at it

“I missed them Kendo. I might not get another chance today. “

“Hmmm. You leave it to me ok? After school wait for me at the entrance !”

“Uhm.. okay Kendo.”

The day went on and Shinso was a little paranoid. He cought himself staring down at the bag alot . His class mates teased him about it but he did not really mind. You were the only one who showed that kind of interest in him. He had to put his trust in Kendo.

Around last period Kendo busted into youre class room scaring everyone. She put a note on youre desk and left before the teacher could grab her. You blinked snatching the note hiding it fast before youre teacher turned back around.

What the heck was that about?

After class ended you left the classroom opening the note .

‘Meet me at the entrance Y/N!’

“I wonder whats up..?”

You made youre way to the main entrance not seeing Kendo anywhere. Instead you saw Shinso rubbing his neck staring at the sky . You saw his bag and youre heart jumped in youre throat.

“Cmon Y/N.. move.. move . Go over” You pushed yourself going over to the tired boy.

“H-hey Shinso..”

He turned seeing you. “Oh hey Y/N. This is for you” he held the bag out . “Happy White Day”

You stared at him for a second till you realized. You held youre hands out and he placed the strings in youre hands.

“I hope you uh .. like it. Do you want to uh.. hang out at my house.?”

“... yes.. yes that sounds really nice i..” you looked in the bag then back at Shinso.

“You can.. take the stuff out y’know.”

“Uh!! Sorry!!” You opened the bag more taking out a white cat plush. Youre face got a little red and you looked at Shinso. His cheeks were a little red to. Gently you put the cat back in the bag and took out the little white box . You opened it to see little marshmellows with chocolate ears and noses.

“Shin!!! Shinso!!! This is so cute!!!”

He grinned looking at the sky then at you. “I uh well. I thought it was a cute thing you did with the chocolates so ..” he held his hand out to you making you put the box away.

“I.. i like you Y/N.”

You took his hand very slowly .

“Shinso i .. like you too . Thats why i gave you the chocolates. I just think youre so cool and youre quirk is cool to so..”

“Aw Y/N. Thank you. Cmon.. i dont have training today so i want to take advantage of that.”

You held his hand tight following him. You were so happy and relieved right now. He liked you back. And you got to hang out with him now.

You both arrived at his house and Shinso took you to him room to watch some tv and enjoy the marshmellows together. You were sitting holding youre knees feeling a little awkward to be in his room. The marshmellows were very good and gooey , Shinso was sitting next to you looking awkward too. Should he make the first move? Should you?

Slowly you slid youre hand over to his, youre pinkie finger slid over his . Shinso looked over to see you not looking at him. He felt youre hand sliding over his more . He looked down at youre hand and turned his over so he could hold yours. You glanced over to see him rubbing his neck smiling at you.

“ i uh.. im new to this so..” he admitted

“Me..me to heh. What should we do?”

“Uhm.. well i kind of want to hold you? If thats okay?”

You felt youre cheeks flush , you scooted over to him and Shinso lifted his leg , you laid youre back against it and laid youre legs over his knee. He rested his arm on youre shoulder and held you close to him. You could hear his nervous heartbeat and giggled a bit.

“What?” He asked looking down at you

“Youre nervous to heh..”

“A nervous wreck”

You leaned into his chest talking softly.

“Me too Shinso.. i just.. i dont care if you want to take this slow. I just want to be with you”

He smiled laying his cheek on youre head squeezing you.

“I move slow anyway so i guess it works.”

You giggled squeezing him back.

“I guess it does”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A/N. I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH HE DESERVES THE WORLD.

#hitoshi shinso #shinso #my hero academia fan fiction #shinso x reader #my hero academia fan fic #boku no hero fanfic #my hero academia general studies #white day #valentines day #my hero academia

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mooswords · 3 years

Note

OKAY MOO, I’M CURRENTLY READING UR FIC “Home” AND I’M— THE END OF THE FIRST PART WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. “he always comes home” -> IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CONTRAST TO THE BEGINNING!!! he gets lost in his OWN fields, and that’s saying something. however, despite that, the reader still being reassured (or as much as she can reassure herself) that he always comes home = he has the red string to BRING HIMSELF BACK TO THE READER = ALWAYS COMING HOME. I’M!!!! and i love the silly banter that opened the story. aLso HIS HESISTATION OVER TELLING THE READER THE JOB HE WAS ASSIGNED... BECAUSE HE WAS WORRIED ABT THE READER.... AKDKSKKSKS. the fact he didn’t accept the offer immediately DESPITE being so in love with the sea and waited for reader’s permission is such a SMALL thing, but when you describe his love for the sea as superior, that action shows he loves the reader even more and i just- SLKDKAKDKSK. i might be over-reading and i apologise if i do bUT DO COMMENT ON IT THANK U!! 🤩💜 - ava

u sent me these eons ago and i promise i wasnt ignoring you ive just been working like 10 hour days and i am Exhausted 😭😭 but all of these messages legitamately give me life, i am so incredibly grateful! <3 im so so glad you enjoyed this fic!! and you are NOT OVERREADING I LOVE TO SEE YOUR INSIGHTS!!!! it makes me fall back in love with the fic all over again! <3

i am SO glad that him always coming home comes through! because it gets kinda dire in the middle of the fic so i wanted there to be that hope at the back of your mind that knew he always came home. but i wanted you to be stressed about it still so :) and silly banter is my favourite part of writing this guy, i had so much fun with it alskdf.

and ok i love u, you got everything i was trying to do there <33 like i was struggling to find the balance between her reluctance and supportiveness. thats a fun (and tricky) thing about established relationship fics i find... theres that depth of understanding that can make the interactions more interesting, but so much of it is unspoken. it was a good challenge! so its so GOOD to hear that it vibes right hehe

THE WAY KUROO PLAYS WITH THE STRING!!! THAT WAS SUCH A FOND MOMENT OMG AKDKSKDK. and it’s so interesting that it appeared before kuroo even left 👀👀👀

she already missed him 🥺🥺 i originally had him tug on her hair and then i went!!! wait!!!! we can do better than that!!!!!!!!

READER IS LOST WITHOUT KUROOO!!!! AKDKSKSK and i also love the little addition where despite it being a POUT, she holds it close to her heart. with the context of their banters + that little scene, it just shows me how much each appreciate every ounce of the other party which makes me SO SO SO SOFT AKDJSKDKSK. and then hitting me with the scene where reader is eating a meal alone??? a punch in the gut. when she realised she’s alone I TOO remembered that kuroo is gone and that softness established in the previous scene is sUCKED OUT—ASKDKSKSKSK.

im just a little obsessed with the little things and gestures that make u fall in love with someone? like the specific way my friend twirls her pen while were in lectures, or how my dad has that one little smile when hes amused himself with his own joke... and for that to be a last lifeline for her to hold on to before he leaves :’))) I JUST LOVE EST RELATIONSHIP FICS OK?!

hehehe yes im sorry about that puch to the gut oops 😇 that was a scene i had super clear in my head before i started - the bright, bright string against the relative drab of the table and room.

i’m at the part where reader gets lost and let me tell u, the fact they have a WAY to communicate via string pulling alone is SO ENDEARING and just subtly hints they have been at this whole red string thing for AGES (or at least enough to form such an understanding). that’s ADORABLE and really strengthens the bonds they have together

yessssssssssss as soon as i thought of this idea i knew it had to be an established relationship. i have it in my brain they have been married maybe 2-3 years?? i am such a sucker for unspoken understanding relationships :’)

“You push hurriedly through the crowd, ducking between market stalls and wagons. There’s no string to follow, but you don’t need it to find him today.” THIS SENTENCE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL in the context of the entire story. and what a perfect way to describe/show the reader that it’s THE DAY. MOO, you’re really serving such great kuroo x reader stories please continue AHHAHA

this entire fic was so self indulgent please dshlfkljadsb but im glad u like this line!! i tend to try visualise the scene like a movie first? and then write it, and this was also one of the first scenes that was super clear in my brain :D

402 DAYS!!!! I SEE WHAT U DID THERE 👀👀 also, is this is a little hint to how u had to wait until the end to see timeskip kuroo? HAHAHA that wld be adorable

WAIT YO THATS CLEVER? I DIDT EVEN- ava when i say that is a COMPLETE coincidence... i literally just picked a number that was longer than 365 days... breaking news i am a secret genius JKBDSCN

i also really liked the “in-between”: of reader’s life without kuroo. u can really see how integrated they are to each other’s lifestyle, and not only that, the scene where reader handles a twin’s birth (to me) strengthens how they’re reallllly soulmates. there is a low chance that kuroo knew reader was in a desperate situation, yet he pulled on the string at the time reader needed it. it’s just—telapathy but not really + soulmate system = SOULMATES. do i make sense? and i really love the details, like how we can trace back kuroo’s scar to a moment of reader’s life in the fic. putting it at the end sort of makes me reflect on their situations that happened simultaneously yet not really. it sort of fills me in with this,,, space. that the earth is so wide. i understand deeper what reader means by “oh he’s going to be gone for so long”. it’s just. wow. the earth is so big yk.

YES YOU MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!! it's such a lovey way of looking at it :') can they communicate and understand eachother like this cuz theyre soulmates? or just because they love each other and have learnt the other inside out?? hhnn this is why i love soulmate aus, theres so much to pull apart!!!

and ok yes on the topic of how big the earth is... im so glad u mentioned this, its my favourite part because (not to get like... super sappy or anything) i was writing this through the toughest stages of our second lockdown. our restrictions got to the point we werent allowed further than 5km from out homes, so writing about freedom and big spaces and exploration of far off places was such a nice escape for me :’) this fic has ended up very close to my heart. (plus i was reading @/w-yuren’s hq0819 series at the time so i had travel and adventure on the brain hehe)

THE ENDING.... THE ENDING.... THE WAY KUROO ASKED READER TO KI** HIM—IT’S LIKE THE KUROO IN MY HEAD YESSSSS. Gosh, this line too “when he kisses you he tastes like the sea; like salt-spray and dry rations and freedom.” may i have a director’s cut abt it :3 AND AKDJSKSK. i really love how the string appeared even tho they were together (the scene before kuroo docked on the ship) and once again, they are together, but none of them are lost because they r together-together. do i make sense? am i overreading things??? again, i have to comment on the banter. it’s simply amazing. kuroo’s replies are so,, KUROO, and they are filled with such FONDNESS I’M SO AKDKSKSK.

IM SO GLAD HE VIBES THANK U I THINK THE FONDNESS IS MY BIAS SHOWING BUT SHHHHH ;P you have picked one of my favourite lines out heheh it was one that just flowed out and wasnt one i particularly had to think about which is always nice. but i think it is a combo of me trying to be fancy lol and me being a huge fan of fantasy-books-set-on-ships. think like explorers or pirates, some rag tag bunch who have to set off on some quest and come back with some of that wildness imbued in their very being... yeah this line was definitely born from me Yearning i think :P

ooo do you mean the wedding scene? that was me trying to hit the ‘feeling lost in a crowd’ idea. you know when youre surrounded by people and joy and laughter and you just feel very small and disconnected? that.

ALSO READER’S DYANAMICS WITH KARASUNO CHARACTERS IS ADORABLE AKDKSKSKK. the festival scene was such a breather and it was adorable to see her interact with those characters. it feels like a snapshot in her life i simply adore that :3

ahh yea! i wanted her to have a life, you know? shes not the type to mope around, like life goes on. that doesnt mean she doesnt miss him oof but theres a whole community around to support her too!! and im very fond of takeda in this scene :’) he takes care of his crows <3

I RAMBLED SO BAD BUT THANK U AGAIN LOVELY I CANT EXPLAIN HOW AMAZING THESE ARE TO RECIEVE <3

#ava <3 #i know u are offline rn but i hope everythings going well with u!#i cant believe ur out here validating all my anxieties oof <333

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fyrecrafted · 4 years

Text

Rescued. (a fic?)

So Ive been going through hell lately. I really needed to feel some kinda hope through all this darkness so I wrote this. Basically a lot of bullshit Im going through and a happy ending via and old friend Tom Hiddleston... the line between reality and wishes is slim, yet obvious. Written more to help myself get through this than anything. Its quickly written and prob a mess. 1k words

I mentioned the abusive situation I was in a few times online where everyone could see it... but... my closer friends on discord really saw a lot more of what was going on. And not everyone really had the full picture. I was too scared to say it all in one place. I didn't want all that gross toxicity I was living in to be put on any one group's shoulders. One day I got in a really bad headspace. I wanted it to all end. I didnt see a way out. Im disabled, mentally and physically... I can't really work in my current situation (not that I'm not trying, but I seriously doubt the employment services could help me... and, even though I filed for disability I kept getting denied because I couldnt get health coverage to get medical diagnosis... and yeah... I had tried the method you just thought of and no its not available... at least you didn't think of that one idea that one person had 'if you get pregnant you can have medical coverage for 9 months', I really hope you can see how fucking disgusting that idea is... if you can't I don't have hope that explaining it to you would help any.)

No... I do not have any other fucking family that could fucking help... holy shit... DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE HERE IF I DID? Why do people ask these same questions over and over...? On the other hand I do know people are trying to just help and feel powerless to do so... Well... back to where I was... One day I said a lot more about how bad it was... How I was told by my whole family that I was worth less than them because I cannot work... How my mom screamed that she hated me... How I was blamed for every single thing that went wrong, and I was expected to do all the housework even though Im not physically capable of doing so. I was basically a disabled fucking Cinderella... trapped by a world that wont let me escape because I dont have cash... So many people don't see that in this reality money = freedom. I felt so lost... Trapped and up against a wall with no way out. Even if I went to a shelter I'd lose my cats who act as my emotional support animals (lessbe real here, they are service animals but cuz criteria dnt really cover mental issues like ASD they cant be labeled as service animals... fuck that bullshit) and I'd likely have lost all my stuff that keeps me from going into a shutdown. (like my brain will just go into bad chaos mode and shut the fuck off for a bit... like I can do the basic life stuff but no more than that) So... like... big nope for mental health reasons, and prob would fuck with my physical disabilities too... A few hours after I posted about everything I got an anon asking if I would leave if a friend offered me a place to stay. No strings attached. I reblogged an answer: Yeah, if they were gonna take me and both cats and my stuff in and work with my handicaps and I knew they werent gonna use it as a way to murder my face and hide the body. Another Anon: Even if it was in the middle of the night? And the only way was to do it fast? Me: I mean... I'd have to really know 'em and trust them to do that... I'm a little concerned that an anon is asking this though tbh... kinda freaked out man... Anon: Well, you do know me. I promise. I just don't want to advertise my intentions and I can't really DM you atm. So, I'm doing it like this. Im so sorry its causing you added anxiety. Also I've been a long time follower and I absolutely love your work. Me: Yeah... Okay... Sure... Whatever... If you show up bring me a pizza... or something and a redbull and cat treats... lol... seriously doubt anyone would take the time to rescue me... It was late when I posted and several hours later (I have non-24 and no circadian rhythm so being up at weird times is nbd for me) I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock. I grabbed my cane and was ready to play whack a mole intruder edition... when I peeked through the door I couldn't believe my eyes... A friend I had so very long ago but lost contact with... Someone I watched online from afar... Someone who was looking at my raised cane with much concern on their face... Tom... Tom fucking Hiddleston...

'You could have asked... if I had known earlier I would have come. Also please put that down.' 'y-y-y-eah.' 'May I come in please. I brought the pizza and rebull.' He grinned 'um, okay. Uh watch out for the cats though. Everything is kinda a mess.' 'I really dont give a damn about the mess. Im more concerned about the shit you've been going through. No one deserves to go through all that. I would like to ask you to move in with me. I'm staying in Georgia at the moment until all this mess clears up and we finish filming. After that we can figure stuff out. I don't want you to worry about a damned thing right now. I want to do everything in a manner that will be the best for you. If something isn't okay let me know. If you need something let me know. Fuck, if you WANT something... LET ME KNOW. Please.'

We ate and chatted and I cried... a lot. We packed up my stuff, and the cats and disappeared into the night. The sun rose as we pulled into the city. A brand new life began for me that day. And I will never look back.

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hyunjinssmile · 5 years

Text

“Lyrics For You”; Han Jisung

Disclaimers:

Descriptions of sex, dirty talk, angst, fluff, swearing, friends with benefits -> lovers,

Also, excuse my handwriting in this, as well as the lyrics (theyre mine and already in a released song, (aside from the my head hurts; thats for plot)

It was the usual, by now.

He would come home from practice, or hanging out with the boys, and then have you waiting for him, ready for him, to take care of him. It only really took one call; a message even, and you were both there for eachother, but dont get ahead of yourself y/n, you arent in a relationship.

Since highschool, you were both close, really close, but not in a relationship sense. Both of you produced music together and danced together, and even now after he has debuted, it just easier for him to have you; no strings attached, plus the world already knew you as 3rachas friend; a producer that made sure they would eat and rest, stays around the world thanked you for that the most.

Basically, somewhere along the line, Jisung and yourself became more than friends. You became friends with benefits, and unfortunately for you; like the plot of the 2013 Smuts on wattpad, you had fallen for him.

You had fallen for Han Jisung.

Would you ever tell him? Definitely not. Especially since after everytime you both hang out alone, he always thanks you so much for being his friend and understanding his situation, saying he loves how things always are.

“Y-yeah! Its fine” you smile at him as he puts on his clothes, after getting a call from JYP to come to practice earlier than he expected, to which he jumped up and got into the shower.

To be quite honest, the sex was distant. It was passionate, but quite clearly he was distancing himself from being intimate, he would never call you by anything other than your name, no pet names, and hed always take you from behind, never looking into your eyes. It was rushed, and rough, and although you found it incredibly hot and arousing, the emotions, rather the lack thereof, made you sad. It stopped you from enjoying it as much, you loved being close to him, and since he obviously didnt like you like you liked him, this was the closest youd get to it, to him.

It wasnt fine, as he shut the door, mumbling a goodbye and a promise to call you later, your hips hurt, you couldnt walk properly, and your heart ached. It ached for him, because of him.

You reached for your laptop beside you, wincing at the shocks of pain in your hips, before starting to make something, you needed to get your emotions out.

You work on a beat, the notes holding a sad feeling in your gut as you manage to get up from the bed, chucking on one of jisungs shirts that he had left from countless sleepovers, because even now, with the benefits part, he was still your best friend. You waddled your way to your studio, one that was often used by chris and changbin, as well as jisung, as when one of your songs you produced blew up; you could afford an apartment with a personal studio.

You sat down in your chair, cursing at the way you relaxed at the smell of jisungs shirt, before letting the beat play around you, adding in some tonal melodies ontop, before scribbling down some lyrics.

Time had flown by, and you got caught up in the process, the melodies and lyrics meaning so much to you, that tears ran down your face, your heart hurt, and this was how you were going to let it out.

Your phone had been going off in your room for ages, too caught up, you failed to recieve the messages from jisung, and in a panic, he travelled to your place.

Apon entering your apartment, he was met with a heavy bassline, but a slow, almost sad melody- contrast to your usual upbeat songs.

Jisung had liked you since he met you, but when he decided he wanted to persue being an idol, a producer, he knew he could never date- at least not in the public eye. You were his best friend, and after one night when you got closer, you both never looked back, friends with benefits was something that suited you both; well, judging by how quick you were to agree on the title; it suited you at least.

He wanted you to himself, he could only think of having you always in his arms, calling you his own, rather than the plaguing thoughts of you in a bed of someone else, but who was he to tell you not to? You werent exclusive, he made that clear. He groans at his stupidity, before walking to your studio, the lights were off as always, but he saw you hunched over your desk, the music blaring through the speakers next to you.

“Y/n?” He called out, before turning the music down, being left with your broken sobs as his eyes widened. You looked up in surprise, to find him standing there, wiping your eyes and attemtping to smile.

“Hey- jisung!” You said trying to be happy, which only made him more concerned.

“Whats wrong?” He said immediately,

“N-nothing, just writing something.” You tried to convice yourself you were fine for a moment, hiding the lyrics under your arms.

“Youre crying?” He moved closer to you, “and this is a sad song, y/n, you dont write sad songs, whats up?” He pauses, playing the devils advocate “boy troubles?”

You could only dryly laugh, “yes, actually”

Jisung felt his heart drop, before moving closer to you, trying to peer at the lyrics, watching you hide them. “Can i read?” He asked softly.

“No.” You said without looking at him, making him more confused. He tried to grab them, moving around, but each time you covered it, until he grabbed it from you.

“Jisung- just give it back-“

He held the page in his hands as he read it,

“Who is it?” He said softly, genuine care in his voice.

“Just give it back!” You stood up, making his eyes fall to your smaller figure, the shirt immediately recognised as his own.

He couldnt help but smile at the way you jumped to try and get it back from him, your cheeks pink, tears in the corner of your eyes.

“So you like someone? Maybe we should stop this” he gestured at the both of you, trying to conceal his hurt.

“What?” You said softly, your eyes widened.

“We should call this quits, us, ill find someone else” he was being casual, he knew it would hurt you, but it hurt him that you liked someone else, while he fucked you into the mattress every other night.

“Jisu-“

“You know, i thought i liked you, for a little while. I wont hide it. But, id hate to be the guy you liked if you fucked someone else while writing sappy song lyrics about them.”

He was being mean, really mean.

“I dont like you anymore, and were done.” His voice was cold, and the tears kept falling from your eyes, wide open with shock.

“You- I- the lyrics-“ you tried to speak softly, but he was mad. “Am i not good enough for you? Hm? Do i mean nothing?” He kept going.

“Get out” you whispered, eyes full with tears.

“What?” He was taken aback, you had never told him to leave, even during arguments.

“I SAID GET OUT”

And he was gone,

He took the paper with him, reading it in pain and ager the whole way back to the dorm, slamming the door behind him as he entered.

Chris was the first to talk to him, asking what was wrong. The boy crumbled in his arms, explaining everything, even mentioning how you two were friends with benefits, making chris surprised yet it suddenly all clicked.

“Let me see the lyrics”

As chris held the lyrics up infront of him, jisungs eyes widened as he saw a name scribbled on the back, immense guilt filling his entire being as he lost all air from his lungs.

“H-hyung move- move your hand for a second-“

Dread filled him, as he immediately got up, running as fast as his legs took him down the hall, out the door and out onto the street, running to your house, with tears in his eyes.

“You fucking idiot” he whined to himself as tears fell down his face, the colder air from winter bit at the skin on his face, but he kept running, until he was at your door, walking in, and running straight to your studio, finding you lying on the ground, crying your heart out and from experience, having a panic attack.

He immediately ran to you, picking you up and taking you to your room, placing you on the bed, looking at the way your eyes widened at his presence.

“W-why-“ you tried to speak, but he just held you tighter, pulling your body against his in a tigh hold, arms around you, squeezing you against his chest, your face pressed into his shoulder, as he cried into your own.

It would always calm you down, his hugs. Whenever you had panic attacs when you were younger, jisung was there, there to squeeze you and make you realise youre not alone.

“Im here- im here baby- shh-“

Endless petnames flew from his mouth as he helped you calm down, his nimble fingers wiping your tears away gently, his eyes reflecting your own.

“Im an idiot-“ he started slowly,

“Yes you are” you said softly, voice broken.

“I deserve it if you hate me, y/n. Im so sorry, even all this time id been using you because i thought you didnt like me enough to go out with me- and because of my job , i thought this was the closest id get to having you-“

“You have me” you whispered softly, making his eyes widen. “I felt the exact same way, you dumbass “ you said, looking up at him.

“So i could have been making you mine this whole time, taking you out, but all ive done is fucked you roughly, never said anything and had no emotion, all the times you said you were fine-“ his eyes widened again at the realisation of how it must have hurt you, confused you.

“Baby i am so, so fucking sorry.”

You held him closer to you, tightening your own grip as he rested his head in the crook of your neck, his breath fanning warm heat onto the surface.

“Ive never kissed you?” He suddenly said, breaking the silence, moving from his place on your chest , gour hands slipping from his soft locks of hair. You had talked for a while, sorting out how you felt and what you wanted, and then lay in silence, in eachothers arms for a few hours.

“No, you haven-“

He cut you off, pressing his soft lips against your own, his right hand cupping your jaw as he let himself wiggle between your legs, laying ontop of you and covering your body with his own, the feeling of him finally pouring all his love for you out, yourself doing the same, sent you both into an overflow of emotion, he pulled back, observing the way your cheeks tinged pink, his eyes locking with yours as he admired them, the view of you pinned beneath him, hair flowing our around you, made his heart skip a beat, his eyes landing on your now swollen lips from the kiss, warmth filling his being as he admired your beauty.

“Youre so beautiful, y/n, your eyes, your lips, your hair, your smile, your laugh, your jokes, your little pout, the way you stumble sometimes when you walk-“ he was blabbering, he knew it, but your heart filled with so much happiness, “i notice it all, i really do love you y/n. Be mine?”

“Im yours” you said softly, making him smile.

“Now to do this properly..” his hands dragged your underwear down your legs, removing his shirt from your frame as he undressed himself.

You immediately got onto your hands and knees, making him chuckle, immediately grabing your hips and pushing you back onto the bed, your back against the sheets as you gasped in surprise at his show of strength.

“I want to watch you as i make love to you, i want to watch your expression as i fuck this tight pussy, make it mine, youre mine, right?”

You nodded, making him smile down at you lovingly, pressing his lips to yours as he kissed you passionately, his fingers trailing down to your heat as he felt your wetness, his eyes widening is surprise “youre so fucking wet, you needed this huh? Making love is much better, i agree, im harder than ive ever been right now baby” he groaned, before letting one of his fingers enter you, slipping inside before moving so his hips are inline with your own, kissing up your neck to your lips before pushing himself inside of you, his hands holding your hips down against the mattress as he bottomed out, a whine falling from his lips as you whimpered into his ear, his brows furrowed as his lips found yours again, smiling against them as you did the same. “Feels so much fucking better, knowing that youre mine, baby.”

Bonus, 2 months later:

“This is such a good song, Chris, whats the chorus?” Your voice was happy as jisung held you close to him, his arms around your waist as you both sat on the couch in your studio, cuddling into eachother.

“I got inspiration from you two drama queens really. “

“Really?” You both turned to eachother, looking in eachothers eyes, finding nothing but happiness in eachother.

“Yeah, I used some of yours actually y/n.”

“Thats fine, you gave me some last season.” You reassured, smiling.

Chan smiled and pressed play on the chorus of the song, the lead up including a muffled audio scream, before you heard it;

“My head hurts”

Side note:

I actually write, make and produce some music too, so i felt quite close to this story. The emotions running wild whilst writing can really get heavy, and i actually do find myself crying whilst recording a demo, or writing the score, its the same with writing a fic, dont worry if its angst im crying along with ya, its just passion and heartache mixed together in a cocktail of emotions.

Lmao thats another one of my lyrics, ok ill stop thankyou for reading

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ve1vetyoongi · 5 years

Text

remember me | kth - 03

chapters: I, II, III, IV, V

pairing: taehyung x reader

rated: mature - contains smut.

genre: idol!au, baker!tae, french!reader, angst, romance, fluff, smut.

summary: Taehyung wants to be forgotten. Overwhelmed by his life as idol persona V, he longs to just be Kim Taehyung for once. Even if that means forgetting everything he ever knew.

word count: 7.1k

warnings: smut, oral (m receiving), penetrative sex, mentions of blood, strong language, memory loss.

a/n: so. it’s finally here..its chapter three. I’m going to be honest with you - this has been finished and sitting in my drafts since January but for some reason I just couldn’t post it. I got so many lovely messages about the last chapter and truthfully I was scared - just in case this one doesn’t live up to expectations! But it’s like 11pm rn and im making the decision to FINALLY put this out...so let me know what you think, I promise I can handle it! hehe.

The nightmares started suddenly. And once they did, Taehyung couldn’t make them stop.

It was becoming increasingly normal for Taehyung to find himself awake in a pile of shivering limbs at ungodly hours of the morning.

For some reason his mind just wouldn't quit it.

Almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, brazen images plagued his peaceful slumber. They crept into every corner of his brain with a vigour so overwhelming, Taehyung was sure they were reality - until his beating heart went into overdrive and woke him with a jolt.

The nightmares were nothing like Taehyung had experienced before. This wasn’t your run of the mill blood and gore - in fact he was blind; or more accurately, his eyes were covered - by what he couldn't tell, perhaps a mask - only allowing a dull and dampened light to penetrate its cover.

It wasn't what he could see that filled him with dread - no, the thing that had him paralyzed, vulnerable and cold was what he could feel.

His body, washed in a fiery heat that numbed his entire being. The air, hot and heavy as he gasped around it, lungs ablaze.

He could hear too - a haunting cacophony of broken strings and his own screams, barely noticeable if it were not for the way his throat burned fiercely.

In the dreams everything felt a little too bright, a little too loud and so vivid yet when he woke they were jumbled and faded and somehow out of reach. An untouchable movie reel that played on repeat until dawn pressed pause.

That being said, they were becoming more intense, more clear. Slowly, at least. Sometimes, his fingers were able to loosen the knot and part of the blindfold would fall away, revealing cracks of the picture before him - parts of the thing that was haunting him - like another piece of a puzzle falling into its place.

And that was what Taehyung feared more than anything. For now, the blindfold was his protection, a form of sanctuary from whatever pursuit he was running from.

If the blindfold was gone, Taehyung would have to confront his persecutor face to face. And he was terrified of what - or whom - he may find when his eyes finally adjusted to the darkness he knew waited for him.

Taehyung had tried to hide the dreams from you at first. Back when they were just that - dreams. Back when Taehyung could turn over and fall back asleep, replacing the fear with the cushion of peace and comfort slumber once brought him.

Until they were so intense, so powerful, he found himself shaken awake by his own frantic shouts, legs and arms thrashing around in the satin bed sheets that suffocated his dampened skin.

Suddenly, they were a lot harder to conceal.

Naturally, you were concerned. It was driving you crazy, seeing Taehyung in pain yet being helpless to relieve it.

This wasn't the type of wound inflicted by a knife or a fever and you were out of your depth.

You wanted to know why; or more accurately what - what was turning the man who smiled so easily and lived life with a love so passionate into a child, stricken with fear. What caused him to become so utterly inconsolable?

"I have a book on dreams somewhere," You had encouraged one morning, after a particularly bad night. Nibbling your lip anxiously, you searched through a pile of novels on the floor next to the bed. Perhaps providing the why for Taehyung would help him come to terms with the what, you figured. "It might help you sleep better if you knew what the dreams meant."

And Taehyung wanted to tell you the what. Except he couldn't. Because truthfully, he didn't know himself. And he was more than sure that there was no textbook that could provide him with an adequate explanation.

"Yeah. Maybe." He had responded with levels of enthusiasm lower than he intended to be evident, flashing you a curt smile in an attempt to save your feelings. You were trying to help, he knew that. "I'll give it a read."

Truthfully, besides the knowledge of morning, the only comfort Taehyung could rely on was not something that could be found in a book.

It was you.

When the world was dark and his body trembled, your arms were a tender sunrise as you cradled him in your embrace.

Your fingers stroked his hair with a soothing touch gentler than moonlight and the tears that streaked his cheeks shimmered like a thousand stars.

Your hot breath was sweet as honeycomb while it whispered gentle hushes into his ear, bringing his heart to a steadier pace with your slow lullaby.

And it was then that even though the nightmare still clung to Taehyung, the world didn't seem so dark anymore. You were the sun, bathing him with a warmth and radiance that didn't burn like the fear did.

And for a moment, everything was okay again.

After a while, you found yourself lying awake even before Taehyung inevitably woke you with his strangled cries and sweaty palms. Simply watching as his chest rose and fell gently, exhausted features relaxing as you traced the contours of his face with your thumb. Anticipating the pivotal moment where they would harden and contort with a pain unimaginable to you.

Until another nightmare would take Taehyung away and you would hold him desperately, scared to let go incase he never came back.

Until the sun rose and morning filtered through the curtains and you were sure Taehyung wouldn't slip through your fingers like broken glass.

Until Taehyung was Taehyung again.

Taehyung would be lying if he said that night was like any other; it was worse.

He had already woken up twice that night, plagued by the same demons he had grown to anticipate. Both times you had been by his side, pulling him towards you carefully as you always did, pressing soft kisses to his forehead despite the layer of salty sweat which coated it.

Not long had he fallen asleep again before they were back, except something seemed different - striking a bout of fear in him more intense than ever before if that were even possible.

His body was alight again, hot to his own touch when he grappled with the blindfold which obscured his vision to no success. A voice sounded somewhere behind him - or was it in front of him? - he couldn't tell, but he tried to follow it anyway, stumbling to his feet and outstretching his arms as he blindly navigated the darkness. The voice was bright, almost friendly if his gut instinct wasn't screaming NO! as he approached it.

"Taehyung."

Well, that was new. It knew his name now, huh?

And then, again: "Taehyung."

But this time the voice was different, deeper. Recognisable perhaps, if he just thought hard enough...

His foot hit something and his balance was lost, sending him flying forward. Taehyung's hands came out before him, barely breaking his fall and colliding with the coolness of metal - no, it was glass, he could feel the broken shards cutting his palms, blood surprisingly cold against his boiling skin - and then the voice was back, taunting him this time.

"Taehyung! Taehyung! Taehyung!"

The strings began to play and he must have started to scream because the air was knocked out of his lungs with a colossal force that left him heaving on his hands and knees.

A fragrance so sweet it was sickening filled the air, choking him as a brush of velvet fabric raised the hair on his arms.

The voice was next to his ear this time, lips brushing his lobe.

"Taehyung. I miss you."

Before he knew it, he was running, boots clunking against stone as he tried to outrun the voice that seemed to be everywhere now. Until the ground disappeared, his stance faltering; and he was falling, falling...

Until then, he was awake again.

Taehyung's form shot up, elbows propping his weight as he clutched his chest, face contorting with fierce anxiety.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

His breath came out in short, sharp rasps and his throat was tight and raw. He drew his bare legs to his chest, arms curling around them and cradling his own chin between his knees, waiting for your familiar gentle touch to send shivers across his skin.

Except, it didn't. And for what felt like the first time, he opened his eyes.

Morning slipped between the cracks in the blinds, bathing the room in a yellowish glow. The clock on the wall told Taehyung it was already past 10.

A quick glance to his side revealed you, perfect and still as you slept facing where he sat, arms outstretched as though you were reaching for him.

Guilt washed over him. You had barely slept for weeks - and it was all his fault. You were so worried about Taehyung's sleeping habits that you completely forgot to take care of your own; no wonder you were exhausted, he tutted.

And through it all, Taehyung had been too focused on himself to even realise it. He had been too caught up in his own nightmares to notice the blueish bags beneath your eyes or the yawns you hid behind your hair at the bakery.

He couldn't blame you for not being there when he woke up, not really. But that didn't stop him from wishing you were awake to hold him, relieve the anxiety that bubbled hotly under his skin.

Even though thoughts of waking you nagged in the back of his mind, he resisted. Taehyung's thumping heart felt like it suddenly stilled when he looked at you, utterly tranquil. His hands ached to trace the pink rosé of your cheeks, the soft lips which parted for quiet breaths to flutter between them.

He decided he could not bare to disturb you.

"I'm a grown adult. I can do this." he said to nobody but himself, hearing the uncertainty that was evident in his own voice. "It was just a dream."

With trembling fingers he pulled the sheets tighter around your shoulders, placing a long kiss to your temple before climbing out of bed, feet scuffling against the carpet as he crept carefully out of the room.

The apartment was the same size as it always was however while it usually felt cosily small, now it was suffocating. Every breath felt like the air was thinner than the last and Taehyung wanted - no needed - out.

Quietly, he pulled on a shirt and slipped his feet into his shoes before scribbling a note in his messy scrawl: GONE TO MARKET. BACK SOON.

A walk. That is what he needed. The fresh air would do him good, help him clear his head.

The cane he was used to grabbing out of habit now balanced against the dresser. Gingerly, he applied pressure to his thigh, wincing when an ache captured his leg. Not nearly as painful as before, though.

His fingertips brushed the cane's handle, before retreating to the fleece lining of his coat pocket.

"She'll be happy," he reminded himself of your face, imagining the way it would beam when you saw him walking without assistance. "You can do it."

Hand caught on the door handle, Taehyung turned and took one last look at your sleeping form, lashes pressed tightly to the tops of your cheeks.

And with that, he slid out of the door, pressing it shut with a quiet click before making his way into town.

The morning air was cooler than usual against Taehyung's face, and the light chills that crept up his arms were a welcome relief from the heat that still lingered somewhere beneath his skin.

Preparations for the annual September Fate filled the market with an excited buzz as Taehyung walked beneath the blue and yellow bunting someone had strung between opposing balconies in celebration.

If there was one thing Taehyung could rely on it was that the town was full of life. The infectious warmth was enchanting, drawing Taehyung in with its loud and bustling charms and thawing a sense of normality from beneath the vice like grip of unnerving fear that still clouded his mind.

Herds of people crowded around tattered wagons decorated with collages of fresh produce. Taehyung felt his shoulders relax from their hunched state as his eyes glazed across their familiar faces, anxiety eased by the contagious giggles of playing children.

"Bonjour, Taehyung." An older man behind a vibrant fruit stall called as he passed by, whom he recognized as a regular from the bakery.

"Bonjour, Monsieur," He drawled back in French, his pronunciation not yet perfect but improving. The people here didn't seem to mind though, accepting him as one of their own. The quizzical stares he had received upon arriving were long gone, replaced with knowing grins and tenderness. It felt like family. It felt like Taehyung belonged.

The fragrance of sweet jasmine and white lilies drew Taehyung's attention towards a flower stall which sat nearby. The blooms were as vibrant as the town itself, flamboyant and almost too beautiful not to stare at and before he knew it his feet were shuffling towards the biggest bouquet of sunflowers on display, their dreamy scent lulling him with a sense of familiarity.

Sunflowers were never his favourite but somehow they intrigued him now; they were majestic power and strength, surviving every storm and begging for the sunlight they received so graciously. They were joy on a cloudy day, giving their beauty to the world without regret.

Absentmindedly, Taehyung handed a crisp bill to the stall owner and told her to wrap the entire bunch.

While the age calloused fingers of an old lady began to carefully twist the stems in brown paper, a bell chimed as a door was opened nearby, followed by the click of heels and harmonious, sugary laughter. Taehyung's eyes couldn't help but wander.

A couple stepped out of the store which sat on the street corner, a spring in the step of the young woman whose eyes were filled with stars - almost brighter than the ring her partner placed on her forth finger.

The man's own expression softened as he watched her hold out her slender fingers, admiring the rock that symbolized infinity; eternal love. His palms cupped her chin and he tilted his own so that their lips crashed together perfectly. And Taehyung found a small smile growing on his own face as he watched them disappear hand in hand, filled with a sudden sense of longing.

His heart was laced with a desperation to touch you, to feel you. To tell you that he was hopelessly yours and he wanted nothing more than to make you his, if you would allow him.

He didn't need the wedding - though he had to admit the idea of seeing you in a dress was mouthwatering, the image too beautiful for him to comprehend - just you and him and the security of forever and always.

It was almost laughable. How he had turned up in a new town, an amnesiac and an outsider. Yet somehow the things he had forgotten didn't matter anymore when what he knew was so precious; the love he felt for life here was real and something told him he should hold onto it until death did he part.

But if losing it meant having you, he would agree in a heartbeat. And that's how he knew you were special.

Taehyung's palm cupped his forehead, shielding his eyes from the morning sun as he read the handmade sign balanced above the window of the store the couple emerged from. Someone had scrawled Pawn Shop in French, the red paint a little smudged at the edges but still legible.

It was like some sort of rope was tightening around Taehyung's waist, drawing him closer and closer, all earlier thoughts forgotten as he pushed his way through the small crowd, ignoring the grunts of irritation from those around him.

A glass window separated him from the display of silver and gold jewelry encased in glass, each labeled with prices and carats and styles. His eyes scanned the shelves of rings - each pretty enough to make his heart flutter slightly at the thought of watching it catch the light on your finger but none quite what he envisioned.

Until he saw it. In a box, black and perfectly simple, with an interior of pink satin - elegant yet tasteful. It was luxury and splendor and everything that this town was not.

Except, all of this become a blur when Taehyung's eyes fell on the main prize - something that made every other stone in the world seem like mere rhinestones and crystals in comparison.

Something he had...seen before.

A diamond ring.

And just like that, it hit him. Everything hit him.

Memories flooded back to Taehyung in a flash, his breath catching in his throat as images crossed his mind in an agonizing rush.

Bangtan. The fans. The house. The car.

Remembering felt like a searing heat that ripped through his chest, causing him to buckle as he gripped his throat in a desperate attempt at taking a heaving breath.

The pain was unlike anything he had felt before, worse than any wound a knife could inflict or dream could conjure and it sent his heart into a torturous irregular thump that rattled his rib cage and deafened his ears.

This was no longer a nightmare. It was reality. And for the first time, Taehyung no longer stung with heat but fell numb with the bitter cold of truth.

"Monsieur?"

Taehyung couldn't hear, his vision cloudy yet somehow clearer now that his mind was no longer obscured by the blindfold that he had so desperately tried to remove. The mask that prevented him from remembering who he was and where he came from. The blindness that led him to you.

A gasp left Taehyung's throat, barely aware of his fists against the glass, the sound reverberating through his head over and over until it all became static.

His eyes were wide and panicked, unaware of the commotion he was causing as he stepped back into the street, narrowly avoiding a motorcyclist as it swerved around his stumbling form. His legs were weak and he was sure the world was spinning as he placed his sweaty palms on his knees to steady himself.

Minutes ago, if you'd asked, Taehyung would have said he wanted to remember. But now that he did, he wanted nothing more than to forget.

He wanted to forget the practice room and the choreography and the hardships. The arguments and the paparazzi and the headlines. The photo shoots and the interviews and that fucking ring that his company wanted him to give to a girl who wasn't you.

"Holy shit," Taehyung stuttered, extending his arms in an attempt to steady himself as he made his way through the throngs of people, desperate to escape the sticky humidity that burned his lungs with every inhale. "I need to get out of here."

The market seemed to roar with rage now, the street narrowing around him as he swallowed a scream. The deafening chaos made Taehyung's ears split as he fought to escape the flaming breathlessness.

His feet began to move, finally cooperating with his brain which was telling them to go, go, go, before a slender hand tightly pinned him in place by the forearm, eliciting another breathy gasp to leave his lips as he tried to break free from its grip.

"Your flowers, Monsieur?" A far away voice rang out, pressing a package into his sweaty palms."Extras, free of charge, for your mi amor."

The flowers.

Their scent was utterly nauseating now, no longer providing a sense of hope for the future but rather a reminder of the fragility of his life here. With one paparazzi shot or tourist encounter, his identity could be revealed; and everything he loved, ripped away.

You. You could be ripped away.

You didn't fit into his life as idol Kim Taehyung. And he knew that.

But then again, neither did he. Not really. He had never felt more truly Kim Taehyung than when he was here with you or behind the bakery counter or at the harbor. He wasn't ready to leave it behind. Not yet.

Before his trembling lips could form any sort of response, however coherent, his legs were carrying him back along the path he had grown to know well, past the bar and the bakery, through the alley and up the steps until his fingers were fumbling with the handle of the door he knew led to you.

The same word ran around his mind in dizzying circles, louder than the cries of IDOL PERSONALITY V and YOU NEED TO TELL HER.

Y/N. Y/N. Y/N.

Your name. The only thing that felt familiar and right among the memories of what came before.

His shaky fingers managed to shake the screen door open, no longer able to hold his own weight and landing on his knees against the carpet, flowers discarded somewhere behind him. He didn't care when the rough surface burned his calves, resting his head against the floor as he finally took deep, heaving breaths for what felt like the first time in his life.

A few moments passed and he finally gained some form of control over his limbs again, unsteadily raising so his weight rested on the hinds of his legs. He took in the space around him. Everything was as he left it - the bed messy from where you lay with him the night before, open books pushed aside on the night stand next to chamomile tea, cold now.

Everything was eerily familiar.

How could anything be the same when everything was different now?

Except, things weren't entirely the same - the room was devoid of your presence, leaving the apartment cold as ice even though it was still warm outside. Was it because you weren't in it or because he had arrived?

He couldn't be sure.

Taehyung wobbled to his feet, leaning against the wall for support.

"Y/N?" He called meekly, surprised by the hoarseness of his voice. He sounded as wrecked as he felt. He received no answer, just the echo of his own pathetic state, bouncing from the walls of the empty room until his head throbbed angrily.

Taehyung stumbled feebly over to the kitchen sink, taking a glass between his shaky fingers and attempting to fill it with water from the faucet. Most of the liquid splashed over the edge, the glass chinking against his teeth as he swallowed what he could.

A few moments passed with Taehyung bent over the sink, partly because he didn't think his legs would work if he tried to walk and also as a precaution due to the bile that was steadily rising in his throat as an image slowly worked its way to the forefront of his mind.

Joy.

Her face - one he naively coaxed himself into believing he loved - was enough to wrack his entire body with wave after wave of guilt and self condemnation.

As far as she was aware he had just...disappeared.

Sure, he didn't want to marry her but he also didn't want to make her suffer, unknowingly or not. It pained him to know that there were people probably looking for him right now - he knew that there were people who cared about his whereabouts enough to hunt him down. The fans would be distraught, he was sure of it.

But what hurt the most was that a part of him wished that they didn't care. He wished he could have slipped away without worry or repercussion, without people nationwide caring about whether his hair was pink or blue or if he was coming home. Without his company caring about how much money they could exploit him for.

Idol personality V didn't exist. At least not anymore, not now that Kim Taehyung had taken his place. And he would be damned if he let him slip away just yet.

Taehyung scrunched his eyes shut tight, focusing on replacing memories of Joy's dark curls and pouty red lips with your warmth and your touch. And for a moment, the waves faded to sea foam.

A brush of velvet fabric against his arm. Perfume, sickeningly sweet.

Words played over and over in his head.

To: joy ❤

i will be back in a couple of days. don't wait up.

The last text Taehyung sent before he boarded a plane and landed bang in the middle of a new beginning.

The words rang out in his mind. She never replied.

Or did she?

Before he could think better of it, Taehyung was across the room in a flash. Hot adrenaline rushed through his veins as he ripped the closet door open, heart thumping at a pace he was sure was unhealthy when he located the black bag he arrived with.

He pulled the bandanna from around his neck over his head to prevent his hair from falling in his eyes. Trembling fingers gripped the zipper and he took a deep breath before ripping it open all the way, shoving his fist inside the dark interior and rummaging around until he found the cold metal of his phone.

Waiting for the device to start up was torturous; the loading bar seemed to move slower the more he willed it to hurry. His back was to the door and Taehyung's eyes were trained to the white dot as it gradually crept upwards...

Until the phone in his palm started to buzz uncontrollably, bathing his face in a blue glow and alerting him of an influx of incoming messages to his inbox.

300+ Unread Messages

His heart sank as the pad of his thumb swiped across the screen, revealing the password display. And it twisted in his chest when he carefully inputted the four numbers that separated him from the point of no return.

0309. Her birthday.

Just like that, the barrier was broken. He was in.

The wallpaper of his slightly blurry Pomeranian puppy stared at him as his trembling fingers lingered over the green message app. Taking a shaky inhale, he opened it, scanning the abundance of names that sent pulses of pain with each remembrance.

FROM: JOY

a few days?? what do you mean?? tae?? please reply. im getting worried. im calling the police tae.

Taehyung exited the chat before he could read any more, the messages enhancing the ache in his chest ten fold. Instead he scrolled to the top of the list until he landed on the latest, yesterday:

FROM: MIN YOONGI

please man, if you've seen the news...just come home. we're all out searching for you. please.

News? Before he could stop himself, he was typing his name into the internet search bar and biting his lip as hundreds of pages with his face as the headline loaded in front of him.

Barely glancing at the titles, he opened the first link, scrolling past numerous articles.

"K-pop singer of BTS Kim Taehyung, also known as V, is still missing since his initial disappearance on the 24th of May. His company, Big Hit Entertainment, is still pleading for any information regarding his whereabouts and his safe return."

Sliding his finger down from the top of his phone screen revealed the current date. 4th of September.

He had been gone for almost four months?

"Alongside his family, other members of BTS have finally broken the silence regarding his sudden disappearance. Kim Namjoon, the leaders group told news outlets on Saturday: 'We just want him to come home safely. He is family to us and we miss him terribly. We remain hopeful that he is still out there and we are doing everything we can to facilitate his return.'"

Taehyung scanned a few more paragraphs containing the last witness reports of sightings of him at Incheon Airport before his departure and then -

"Album sales of the bands latest repackaged release, Love Yourself: Answer have soared since the news of Taehyung's disappearance broke, hitting record highs and breaking previous records."

"Of course." Taehyung sneered bitterly, teeth clenched, pinching the bridge of his nose to dull the throb that had settled in his forehead. "That's what they care about. Fucking album sales."

The old Taehyung was consumed by numbers, constantly checking sale rates and celebrating new records and watching the numbers in his bank account climb to a string of figures long enough to require a scroll bar.

The new Taehyung, excuse his French, did not give a shit.

Just as he was about to open another article and bask in his own furious condemnation of society, soft footsteps pattered against the carpet nearby.

"Taehyung?" A voice drew him from his ministrations - your voice - and he twisted so fast he was convinced he pulled a muscle, throwing the phone filled with hatred and toxicity somewhere behind him and wincing at the audible thud that followed.

Then, you appeared - hair still wet and wrapped in a white towel. In his haste he had not noticed the gentle hum of the shower.

"What are you doing in there?" You questioned with an eyeing smile, nodding towards where he stood nervously inside the closet staring past you with empty eyes. "Are you looking for something?"

Just reading about my nationwide search party. How about you?

Taehyung simply blinked at you a few times before he realised your question warranted an answer. "O-oh no, I was just - "

Before he could finish, you were already occupied by something else, face suddenly lighting up with the glow of a smile that still managed to make his stomach somersault despite the circumstances.

"Are these for me?" You asked quietly, letting out a breathy sigh of admiration while picking up the bouquet which lay limply on the carpet. You fixed the petals which had been crushed in Taehyung's earlier haste. "They're beautiful."

They were beautiful. A shade of vibrant yellow which stood out against the muted background of your apartment.

"N-not..as beautiful a-as you." Taehyung managed to stutter, finishing his broken sentence with a smile as if that would do anything to conceal his anxiety.

"Oh, shush." You grinned, spinning on your heels to place the bouquet on the countertop. "I should get a vase - wait, are you okay?"

Worry was suddenly evident in your voice as you locked eyes with Taehyung. His face was paled and his eyes vacant, fingers fidgeting with each other and he shook his head lightly from side to side.

"What? Oh, yeah." Taehyung mumbled, finally shuffling out of the closet and into the apartment. "Just a little tired."

Your heart hurt at the sight of him - he seemed so off. "I'm not surprised, Tae, you were awake all night."

Running your hands through your dripping hair as a makeshift comb, you carefully treaded closer to him. It was strange; you were almost nervous to touch him for the first time. As if he would turn to dust with the lightest pressure.

"I was?" He scratched the back of his neck nervously, eyes slotting around every edge of the room except for where your eyes sat. "I don't...I guess -"

"Hey, hey," You couldn't stand it any longer, reaching forward to pull his large frame down next to you on the bed, legs crossed as you cupped his face in your palm. "What's up? You can tell me?"

Taehyung knew he should tell you. But he also knew that if he did, nothing would be the same. This wouldn't be the same. Just you and him.

Privacy doesn't exist when you live in a house with 3 walls, the nation always watching through the window. He couldn't subject you to that. Or himself, quite frankly.

And that was the moment Taehyung decided. He could never tell you.

"Nothing, baby. I promise." Forcing what he hoped appeared to be a natural smile to grace his lips, pressing his thumb and forefinger to your chin in gentle reassurance. "Don't worry about me, yeah?"

Still not convinced, you narrowed your eyes, pout forming on your lips. "But you seem so tense."

Your hands rubbed circles into his neck and shoulders, highlighting the tight pressure that he hadn't noticed resided there. Your eyes shone with interrogation and he tried to relax his muscles in an attempt at putting you at ease.

"I just need to lay down and rest for a little - "

"You know, I know a way to get you to relax." A small smile played innocently on your lips.

Taehyung's breath caught in his throat as he felt you tracing featherlight circles against his inner thigh, voice electric as you hooked your leg over his lap.

His hot palms came to rub your bare shoulders. "I don't know if we should right now -"

"It was just a suggestion," you snap, instantly jumping from his lap like he was a live wire. Taehyung's stomach sank. "I just - I don't know what to do anymore Tae."

"What do you-"

"I feel so helpless," you explain, drawing your knees to your chest as heat threatened to prick your eyes. "I'm trying to help but however hard I try I can't stop it."

"Stop what?" Taehyung couldn't resist lacing his fingers with yours, relieved when you made no attempt to pull away.

"I don't know - whatever is hurting you...whatever you can't tell me."

"Y/N..."

"It's okay, Tae." Bare feet against the carpet, you turned away from his piercing gaze. "I understand. You don't want me around anymore."

Is that what you really thought? He wanted to tell you just how much he needed you - he practically relied on you to get through each minute of the day lately - but the words just wouldn't come.

"Y/N, I'm serious okay. It's just these nightmares..."

"Then tell me? What are they?"

You can't. Don't tell her.

"Okay." Taehyung pulled your body back towards him, gripping your waist until you slid onto his thigh.

"Okay wha- oh."

"I'll let you help."

"Really?" You bit your lip, searching his eyes anxiously. They were empty. "Let me just help you relax. Please?"

"Oh yeah? Relax?" He let out a breath shakily, hands coming to grip the rough towel that covered your hips as confidently as he could. He felt far away as you teased his neck with light kisses that trailed from the base of his jaw to his earlobe. "And how would you do that?"

You can't do this now, the voice of reason in his head screamed, not after you lied.

Your nimble fingers came to the buttons of his shirt, twisting each one carefully until the fabric slowly fell from his shoulders. Taking your time, you drew light circles against his chest, avoiding eye contact by focusing on tracing a dot to dot with the freckles on his collar bone.

"Just like this." You whisper, finally tilting your chin so that your calm breaths mingled with his own anxious ones. To your surprise, it was him who closed the space between you, his lips cushioning your own with a gentle tenderness that almost erased the uncertainty that had settled into your stomach.

He was still Taehyung. Your Taehyung.

Bringing a hand to his jaw, you deepen the kiss. His lashes fluttered closed against your cheeks and you could almost feel the desperation which coursed through his veins.

Taehyung was overwhelmed by the scent of your shampoo and the softness of your skin as it brushed his bare top half. It clouded his judgement and silenced the voice in his head that screamed STOP!

Your hips dropped slowly, dragging agonising circles over his groin. You buried your head in the crook of his neck, a string of soft whimpers leaving your lips as the heat between your legs grew stronger, a towel and his sweats the only fabric separating you from what you wanted most.

Taehyung watched you with lidded eyes, enjoying each twist of your hips against his length.

Really? You are hard right now?

"See," You whispered, dragging your hands down his back and enjoying the way he shivered under your touch. "You're relaxing already."

Taehyung nodded, silently agreeing to your words. His hands shakily came to the place where your towel crossed, glancing at your face for permission. A quick nod of your head was all he needed before he was pulling away the fabric, leaving you completely bare on his lap.

You sat back a little, allowing his eyes to rake in your form. Taehyung watched the way you shamelessly dragged your heat over his clothed hardness, leaving a noticeable wet spot. He lingered on your breasts for a moment before he dipped his head, sucking hot kisses into the exposed skin of your chest.

The pace was slowly picking up, a small moan leaving your lips as you raked your hands through his hair gently, pulling the locks to draw his face to yours. Taehyung's forehead crashed against your own and for a few seconds, he just stared at you, as if debating something.

Don't do it. Don't do it.

His nose rubbed yours sweetly and his tongue snaked out to coat his chapped lips. And then his mouth was on yours, hot and hungry as his hands seemed to leave a scorching heat wherever they touched.

Never leaving his lips, you reached between your legs to fumble with his zipper, desperate to feel him. After a few failed attempts, he smirked into the kiss before reaching between your bodies to undo it himself, knuckles brushing against your dripping folds and drawing a whine from your lips.

Taehyung let out a gasp as the cool air hit his length and choked back a grunt when your small hand wrapped around it. He was hot and heavy in your palm, hand gliding against the ridges on the underside of his cock as you stroked him slowly.

Your gaze never left his as you climbed down from his lap, pulling his pants a little further down his legs and pushing his thighs open with your hands to make space for you for fit between them. Taehyung couldn't help but hiss when he felt your breath fanning his cock, nails scratching his hips while you stared at him alluringly.

"Y/N you don't have to - oh my god." His words caught in his throat when you pressed the first kiss to the underside of his length, lips warm and plump against the hot pulse between his legs. Your tongue dragged sinful stripes up the shaft, blowing cool air across the trails before swirling around his engorged head at a pace that had his eyes rolling into his skull.

Taehyung rested his weight on his elbows you watch as you gently slipped his tip between your lips, hollowing your cheeks and savouring the saltiness of the precum which leaked from his head. His length was already a stretch as you tried to fit as much as you could into your hot mouth.

You pressed your tongue to the underside of his cock as you began to bob slowly up and down his length, wrapping your lips tightly around his shaft as Taehyung resisted the urge to buck into your mouth.

After a few long strokes of your mouth, you drew back with a pop, using your hand to stroke the base of his now glistening dick before attaching your mouth to the head once again.

"H-holy shit, Y/N." Taehyung had given up hiding his pleasure, openly moaning lowly as your eyes bore into his own. He wanted to watch the way his cock slid in and out of your wet mouth but he couldn't bare to look away from your enchanting stare for even a moment.

Your free hand searched for his wrist, pulling his fingers towards your hair and encouraging him to lock them around the strands. He obliged, taking a loose hold and using his other hand to stroke your cheek encouragingly.

You let your jaw fall slack, blinking at him for a moment until he got the message. His hand tightened in your hair, pulling you back and off his cock before thrusting you back down. He was gentle though, scared to push you too far and you placed your hand on top of his own to assure him you could take it.

You are selfish. How can you take from her when you're lying?

The pleasure was becoming too much and Taehyung could feel his climax building, white hot in the pit of his stomach. "Y/N, I'm gonna -"

And with that, you popped off his dick abruptly, snapping Taehyung out of his daze. "I - what?"

With a sly smirk, you climbed back onto his lap again, palms pushing his chest so his back rested against the bed.

The throb between your own legs was almost painful, your clit begging to be touched and even the lightest of brushes against Taehyung's cock had you moaning loudly. Taehyung caught on quickly, dipping his hand between your wet folds and rubbing fast, hard circles into your sweet spot.

"No, no - " You stuttered, pushing his hand away. "I want to cum around...around you."

Taehyung smiled at your nervous admission, large palms gripping your waist firmly.

"I'm all yours." He said, voice husky with arousal and desperation. But he meant it. He was yours.

And before he could fathom it, you were sinking down onto his cock, walls hot and velvety around his sensitive length.

The ridges of his dick rubbed your walls perfectly and you clenched around him, drawing desperate groans from the both of you as you began to bounce up and down, setting a pace that still wasn't quite fast enough.

Taking the hint, Taehyung began thrusting his own hips up into yours and this time it was perfect. Each upward push left you writhing above him, hands fisting your hair as the head of his cock rubbed against the spot you wanted it most.

His pubic bone brushed against your clit with every thrust and you knew you wouldn't last much longer. Taehyung was near too, desperately trying to focus on the feeling of you around him to distract from the deafening voice which plagued his mind.

TELL HER! TELL HER! TELL HER!

But then, you were coming around him, head falling forward to fit between his shoulder and walls clenching so perfectly around his length that he fell over the edge too, white hot pleasure consuming him as he came inside you.

Your breath was hot against his neck and Taehyung’s strong grip brought you closer to him.

And for a moment, the voice was gone.

#thebtstown #kwordsmiths #bts smut #bts fanfiction #taehyung smut #taehyung fanfiction #taehyung fluff #bts fluff #bts scenario #taehyung scenario #i hope you guys like this and im sorry it took me so long to pull up my big girl pants and post it #pls be nice :(#ily #ve1vetyoongi #my work

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