#if my mom didnt use my subscription i would not have one | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

selfundiagnosed · 3 months

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Insane that my mom ran the most popular patrick stump archival blog on tumblr + was a full time lawyer + was raising two mentally ill kids + doing culinary arts school + having a cookie business. I think its her autism i wont lie. But now its all catching up to her and she has no energy which would be the ehlers danlos fault this time.. tried to convince her to steal her old url back but on cohost so she made an account but couldnt immediately make side blogs but boy oh boy. she would be giving the fall out boy fandom what they want and more. Shes like i cant do it again i have no idea how i did it before im like ma! its called having boundaries. Shes like i cant do that when i have a special interest its called autism. Im like right but queue posts for once a day and find 30 pictures from a photo set and boom one months worth of posting fall out boy and you can conserve your energy. But she doesnt know how to do her special interests in moderation. Im honestly just glad she went and accepted a bunch of access to her mega archive folder thingy. But shes so mad she doesnt have access to like her actual archive bc the website she used go archive everything changed their subscription plans and she has so many photos it would be like a zillion dollars she doesnt have 😭 like bogus i remember photo storing websites were so free. Take me back to 2010 for real :T Anyway she used to get so mortified when i told my friends as a teen about her blog i actually told her coworker once and her coworker somehow RETAINED the url and went home and looked at her blog and she was so upset at me 😭😭 but now like she kinda doesnt give a fuck anymore bc fall out boy was her special interest for an entire decade and she’s over it. Obviously still a big big fan but not in bandom anymore. Her new special interest is a band i introduced her to when i was 13 and its kinda cringe so i dont talk about it but she also ran an archival blog for THIS band and i told my friend at a sleepover who liked this band about her blog and they fucking FOLLOWED HER and shit bricks and my mom was MORTIFIED. But anyway yeah she doesnt gaf now if i tell people she was this blog and i even posted a tiktok about it once and people started doing detective work that would make her autistic self so proud…. Bc thats what she was good at! sleuthing stalking detective work on the band. Pete wentz privately answered several of her asks on tumblr i’ll see if she can send me the asks and their responses. But yeah she doesnt care anymore. her original url was scrubbed by tumblr and shes very angry about it bc it was an original bandom url for patrick stump so shes like wtf ever i dont wanna touch this im so mad. Which SAAAAME. ive done that so many times. She started permitting access to people who requested it for one of her photo archive website thingies she left in her last post. But yeaaaahhh… she was patrick stump for halloween in like 2008 and she won the costume contest bc she had rhe coolest sideburns and looked so much like him. My first ever concert was a fall out boy concert in spring 2007 i was 6 turning 7 within the next few months lemme just say the music video for carpel tunnel of love played on the screen as they played the song and my brother and i was so traumatized. But then immediately they played this aint a scene after that and we were like HELL YEAAAAAAAAA. And my brother (5 at the time) and i knew every single song and sang along and my mom went look at everyone else no one else knows these songs. You guys are so cool. And we looked around and yeah no one was singing the songs and were sooo excited! Oh and theres that one time she recorded us singing keep it simple by cobra starship and THEY PUT IT ON THEIR MYSPACE PAGE AT THE TOP WE FLIPPED SHIT. i wish THAT video was still up. Shes also met fall out boy so many times and walked away from patrick stump while he was talking to her bc she didnt want to take up his time at a meet and greet. Omg. so many memories. I was literally raised in online bandom thats so insane. Maybe thats why im a homosexual

#ruminating on my moms fall out boy tumblr #and how i had an oversharing / bragging problem at her expense

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topperscumslut · 2 years

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‼️PLEASE READ‼️

if i gave y’all the option to start a subscription for my account that you pay for a. would you guys do it and b. what would you want it to be for?

of course i would still post normally on here for everyone to see like i do now, but money has been really tight lately and I’d really like to make some money on here if i can. i’m already a broke college student as i am, and on top of that i just lost my house and my job in the span of a week, as well as my grandpa being essentially on his death bed which has taken a huge toll on not only my mental health but my bank account due to gas to visit him in the hospital. don’t worry tho, i do have a place to live but i did lose my home of 6 years. it’s not like i lost my house because i lost my job and couldn’t pay rent, in fact it’s pretty much the other way around cuz the stress of losing my house contributed to me being tardy and absent at work and getting fired. my landlords abusive grandparents that my mom and i rented from decided to sell our house with three days notice. that was the house i primarily lived at cuz it was closest to my work, school, and my friends and also just the house that felt most like “home” but i had stayed at my stepdad’s house and my dad’s house occasionally as well, but not often, cuz my dad’s house was like 15-20 minutes away and my stepdad’s was about an hour away and i would often get off work late at night as well as the fact that gas is fucking expensive. now i only have my dad’s house and my stepdad’s house to go, which are more than an hour away from each other, and i’ve been going back and forth often. i used an entire tank of gas today alone. on top of that i’m now essentially out of money and have no source of income. my parents still pay for my necessities like food and utilities, and my mom has thankfully been paying for gas for the brief time being until i can get back on my feet, so i can still survive, but she’s running low on money too and it’s like my gas is disappearing as soon as a i get it. TW! on top of that i’ve also been to the hospital for my depression and suicidal thoughts and i just found out my paternal grandpa my only sane grandparent only has a couple days left. it has not been a fun time.

but on a lighter note, what sort of content would you like to see from me if i do make paid subscriptions available? i’ve had a couple ideas, i am a reality shifter so i’ve considered telling shifting stories and stuff like that there but there’s just one problem - i haven’t shifted (yet). i’ve also considered putting priority on subscription holders when it comes to requests and maybe even taking same-day requests because i don’t do very well about getting requests done in a timely manner and especially lately, but i’m not sure if i can handle putting that sort of pressure on myself either. but if you guys have any ideas, please let me know! I’ve been thinking about setting up subscriptions for a while to make money off my work, even when it was just extra money i didn’t really need, but right now i need it more than ever and your support would mean everything to me. if you’re new to my page, i write for many different fandoms including Outer Banks, The Umbrella Academy, Stranger Things, The Hunger Games, and Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, and Dawn (random assortment, i know lol). i mainly write smuts with some fluffs but so far my works have all been character x reader, but i would be open to writing other types of fanfic too.

anyway, thank you guys so fucking much if you’ve read all the way down to here. please let me know what you’d like to see from me!!

tagging some of my faves for engagement:

@wannabestarkeysgirl @babypoguelife @shit-tua-probably-didnt-say @shadowisbored @spookyblazecoffee @google1000 @five-hargreeves-defense-squad @gillybear17 @fiction-is-life @toppersluvr @toppersjeep @toppersbitch @seconds-not-decades @torigrace26

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boujeedolls · 4 years

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rating the girls of the year (inspired by tiktok)

#18 they gave a white girl medium skin bc she has a “tan” lollll what. i dont know much about lea beyond that and her treehouse but when i opened her wikia page and read “1/8th brazilian” i was like close tab lollllllll just make a brazilian doll it’s ok!!!!!!!!

#17. grace was ok but definitely not my taste of person considering she can cook and romanticizes france and gets on a reality show ikufjfwefhuow remember that. and not the cool revolution france but like the macaroons and eiffel tower pandora bracelet after your holiday there tourist france. ag didnt use the ratatouille theme once in her movie

#16. i didn’t get too hype for blair but i feel like she is definitely gonna grow up to be a wine mom karen so i like her for that. also her hair, meet dress and of course....the overall and rainboot combo. she has a subscription to good housekeeping and she’s 10 i just know it. she has a pinterest board full of mason jars and is gonna name one of her kids mckaleigh

#15. saige was cute and love the southwest aesthetic but even as an artistic person i thought she was soooo annoyinggg in the fact that she acted like art class being taken away for a year was the end of the world. ik i sound like a boomer rn but saige you can just paint at home or in the fancy studio you have access to insert the kardashians kim there are people that are dying soundclip. (btw i think it was perfectly cool that they got funding for their school for arts education that’s fine and all but just her PRIVILEGE)

#14. i was obsessed with chrissa when she came out but like... not her. like the movie?? watched the trailor everyday and had the behind the scenes videos practically memorized. the friend dolls that were prettier than her doll. the outfits and most of all......the most chaotic ag product ever released....starburst. 2009.

#13. mckenna was cool but she kind of scares me. i shant elaborate.

#12. you know what i haven’t read joss’s books at all but the fact that they brought back a surfing theme and finally have a cheerleader AND she has a canon disability makes her cool in my book.

#11. lindsey bergman was a sweet chicagoan jewish girl who just wanted to make people happy SHE DESERVES ALL THE HYPE

#10. lanie was so adorable. like i really liked her camper even though it cost like a kidneys amount and i love her environmental theme and how truly passionate she was about it. the bunny on the leash is cute and she was the cutest illustrated girl imo also her sister playing the same thing over and over again until lanie lost it is so funny to me as a cello major

#9. gabi was so interesting and DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE A RECYCLED DOLL!!!!!!!!! love that she was multifaceted and interested in many forms of expression whereas many times this line can get kind of one dimensional. love that we finally had representation for our speech impediment girls and oh yeah she’s still the only black contemporary character IN THE 19 YEARS SINCE AG DECIDED TO START MAKING 18 INCH CONTEMPORARY GIRLS. AND. THEY. REHASHED. A TRULY MEEEE!!! not her fault tho she’s a fictional character.

#8. isabelle was the only goty doll i owned but that’s not the point i mean i like her and her story and the ballet school thing but like....kinda rehashed marisol (i mean, they kinda had the right bc it was a new generation 9 years later and dance is a common interest) and her design was pretty boring but lovely nonetheless. she’s like the chocolate chip cookie of ag. like really plain but good.

#7. i honestly think kailey gets slept on i think she’s super pretty and an environmental queen and all around lovely 2003 hollister california surfer girl i miss when that was cool

#6 whoever thought of luciana deserves a raise someone really said “space girl with dyed hair” and everyone said mint SHE HAD A SPACE SHUTTLE SIMULATOR THING AND A WHOLE ASTRONAUT SUIT? the galaxy print? A STEM THEMEEEE FOR THE STEM GIRLSSSS

#5. kanani akina is like......the prettiest girl american girl ever thought of. like it’s almost unrealistic how gorgeous her doll and illustrations are. speaking of illustrations THE SEAL ONE??? REMEMBER THAT?? i had her in my hand and almost bought her once again gorgeous collection lives like a euphoric life IMAGINE living in a small kauai town and working at your family’s shave ice stand and coming home to your pet rooster goat and dog

#4. nicki fleming i adore her she is a beautiful and socially aware country girl who has trouble saying no i relate to her a lot and she grows so exponentially in her books, i would dare say even more than most of the other gotys. remember when she made cowboy hats look good.

#3. i genuinely love jess akiko mcconnell soooo fricken much our gorgeous girl getting kids interested in archaeology and halter tops her whole collection was amazing i really would’ve loved if they made more books of her traveling with her parents!

#2. OUR LATINA QUEEN MARISOL LUNA she really was everything from her illustrations, her MEET OUTFIT her TRUNK her CAT her LITTLE MAZE GAME we love the west side chicago dancing queen she was everything no wonder ag decided to do goty every year after her ugh we stan

#1. and finally we have mia. iconic outfits. unique theme. amazing bedroom collection. humorous lawrence yep books. worked her way in custodial because money was tight, fun online games, once again need i remind you WE MET HER WHEN SHE RAN OVER THE BULLY WITH A ZAMBONI

#been a while and i feel like i will be attacked for this #american girl

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subarashiet · 4 years

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lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

#personal rant #confession

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leahclearwaterdefensesquad · 5 years

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Ummm so funny story. I waited so long to do this post that I forgot who tagged me in the first place 🙈🙈🙈 I have screenshots of the questions but didnt quite get the url of the person who tagged me. If you're them, pls lmk - I want to give credit where credit is due!!! I'm so sorry!! I wasn't ignoring this I was just procrastinating!!! Ily and thank you sm for tagging me!!!🖤

1. Are you named after anyone? Nope, I'm not!

2. When was the last time you cried? Oof a couple weeks ago in the shower when my depression was really getting to me. I was indulging in an unhealthy, emotionally/mentally toxic habit I had built up over the summer and was letting some emotions out and deciding to work on myself and put a stop to said habit :)

3. Do you have kids? Oh HELL NO, I am way too young for that

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sometimes, but not as much as I used to. I appreciate sincerity more nowadays

5. What's the first thing you notice about people? Oh gosh, idk. I don't really watch my actions that closely like that. I guess maybe their face or their outfit??

6. What's your eye color? Blue

7. Scary movie or happy ending? Hmmm I'm not much of a horror person (tho I want to get into more good ones), and I am a sucker for happy endings

8. Any special talents? LMAOOOOOOOO

9. Where were you born? In the city I currently attend university. Essentially, I'm from Florida.

10. What are your hobbies? Refer back to question 8

11. Do you have any pets? Yes, 2 dogs!!! One dog is my mom's, the other is my Maxie, a yellow lab!! Lmk anytime y'all want me to post pics of my boy

12. What sports have you played? I played soccer in middle school, and when I was an upperclassmen in hs, I played lacrosse. I'm not much of a sporty person now tho

13. How tall are you? I'm 5'6", which I used to think was short bc almost every adult that's older than me is taller than me, but apprently I'm rather tall?? I guess they mean for a girl of my generation 🤷🏼‍♀️

14. Favorite subject in school? History, which is ironic bc I'm taking a history class rn that is such a drag and I don't like it as much as I thought i would

15. Dream job? Tbh it's difficult for me to imagine actually getting my degree and a job rn (bc depression, capitalism, and existentialism I guess), but I'll go with why I chose the major I chose: I would be an archeaologist. I've always wanted to be one since I was a kid I also wanted to be a space explorer, writer, nat geo photographer, historian, time traveler, marine biologist, and park ranger lmao but this was my favorite one - I was inspired by Indiana Jones and all those history documentaries I watched on Saturday mornings as a kid. (I also had a Nat Geo subscription for a while!) So I'm an anthro major, and even tho I work at a museum with collections I think cultural anthropologist and activist would be ultimately what I want to do.

Again, ty!!!

Tagging: @911esme @bellasredchevy @sapphic-clearwater @rosaliestrap @cullensquad @chiefjacob @bisexualemmettcullen @rosalie-stan @seth-clearwater-stan @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen

#personal post #thank you!!#sorry that i'm so boring lol

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eds-gryff · 5 years

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Dust (Peter Parker x Reader)

Takes place right after IW. I'm sorry that it's soooo long but I wanted to post it all at once. @jordsie know it's not HP related but still tagging.

You weren't on the trip to MoMA because you had mono, courtesy of kissing Peter. Kidding, you just have really bad period cramps. Though you did kiss Peter (and enjoy it) a lot. A LOT. Especially when he uses his webs- um. Nothing.

You were holed up in your room, groaning and cursing God for this uninvited and unwanted monthly subscription to Satan's waterfall. Frankly, when you were younger the only reason you were even 1% glad about this was because you thought it was a certainty of becoming a mom. But well, now you knew the truth- it's because God hated women from the beginning.

The cramps really were horrible.

You had just managed to get up, tie your (H/C) hair sloppily and stumble for for some medicine. Just make this pain go away!

You were horrified beyond anything you imagined when you saw your father disintegrating in front of your very eyes.

"Dad?" You say, terrified and hold your hand out to touch him but you only feel sand.

"(Y/N)-" My knight in shining armour, the best and earliest protector gasped out before he disintegrated completely into dust.

Cramps? What's that?

What had happened? What, who had killed my father? Who has the audacity to do this?

"Dad-a-Da-" You choke out before you fall on the floor, weeping for your father and hoping that the same fate hadn't befallen your mother and brother or Peter.

Why had you been left, you wanted to know. If it was sins, I should go. If it was anyone ANYTHING, it should've been you. You. You. No one else. You were the worthless one, he was the best person.

Thinking you'd just died, you got up, you had to check on your mom and your younger sibling.

"Mo-mom-" you choked out as soon as you heard her crying voice. She wasn't dust.

"You're okay, you're okay, I'm okay, (Y/sibling/N)'s fine but half my students are just-"

"Dust." You say in a blank horrified silence. What the FUCK was going on?

"Is your father-" She managed to ask before I lost it completely and broke down crying.

~time skip ~

Despite the disintegration business, your mom couldn't come home because she was a teacher and had to look after her kids there.

You were numb, you couldn't bring yourself to care.

You managed to get some of...of your father, you nearly had a seizure as you thought that and carefully put it into the fanciest dish you saw and covered it.

You called Peter. No answer. You died again.

Somehow, still alive, you managed to call Ned.

"(Y/N)?" His voice was nothing special but it was the most beautiful sound just then- a sound of hope.

"Ned-" you croaked in relief. "-who?"

His voice took on a true depressed and cry-ey tone. "MJ, Harry, Sally, Jason, G-"

"Stop!" I yelled out. "I just saw my father, my first love, turn into dust in front of my eyes, I can't ... Can't think of them like that too. But .....Peter?" You ask resolutely when all you wanted to do was crawl into your bed and never wake up again. Or you know, die.

"I don't know." You heard his honest voice and half your would shrivelled away and the other glowed. "There were these donut shaped spaceships outside...he asked me to cause a distraction and leapt out."

"There's a chance he's fine." Your optimistic heart says out loud but the realist in you thinks, 'But he could be dead.'

It isn't until 2 days later, when your already broken spirit, because of your father, God, everytim you closed your eyes you could see him fading and his vulnerable voice, saying my name, oh god, was totally scattered to the wind, just like the dust which had made up your soulmate, Peter Benjamin Parker's body.

****

You hadn't laughed in weeks. Or even smiled.

Your father's last words were your name, pleading, to save him, you would've, you would've given your soul but you couldn't and it was your fault he became dust.

So of course, it was only right (wrong) that Peter's last words were just as heart breaking and wrenching.

"I don't wanna go, Mr. Stark, save me, please, I don't wanna go." As if this wasn't enough to, oh gosh, the thought itself sent you crying, but his actually last words were,"I'm sorry."

Because he thought he disappointed Mr. Stark. Because he thought he'd disappointed Aunt May.

Because he thought he'd disappointed you and Ned and MJ and his true friends. Because he thought he'd disappointed the world.

Because he thought he'd disappointed his parents. Because he thought he'd disappointed his late Uncle Ben.

"Peter, you idiot!" You scream into your pillow and want some to be there for you and then realise how exceptionally sad it was the person you wanted to comfort you was the same person because of why you had to be comforted and who couldn't do it.

Day, you slept, you cried, you screamed, you broke stuff. Night, you sat on the fire escape and thought and were as silent as possible. Your mother needed the sleep and you were so selfish you couldn't comfort her, she'd lost her past and present, but you'd lost your past, present and future. She'd lost her husband and soulmate, and I'd lost my boyfriend, my soulmate and my father. 'I can't believe I'm comparing.'

You'd think about how you once asked your father when you were 8 what a virgin was and he'd choked and panicked and said it was a girl who hadn't been touched by a man but you sensed something was wrong, so you didn't say that then you weren't a virgin either.

That's true now.

You'd think about how Peter had revealed his identity to you, right there, right after you'd kissed each other senseless for the first time.

'I want to kiss him again.' You think.

You thought about begging your father for an Avengers t shirt a couple of years back and he'd ordered something online and you'd given him a hell of a time for buying what he wanted but not what I wanted and then he opened it to show me the tee I'd wanted all along.

He was the greatest. He wasn't perfect but he was to you.

You thought about when Peter had been so wounded from a fight, he refused to tell you who the opponent was but he was so hurt and there was so much blood and thank god for the Internet or he would have died.

It was because of him you had seriously considered a career in nursing for a while before deciding on writing or journalism.

You thought about watching movies and making fun of them with your father.

You thought of reading and geeking out with Peter.

You thought of talking about cars and walking around fancy car dealerships with your father, to stare at the cars. Lamborghini Aventador was your favourite. You thought how extremely similar you were, yet how different yet how much of a father-daughter.

You thought of having sex with Peter. You thought about his lips, his hair, his eyes, his kiss, his touch.

You thought of them and you mourned.

Then as dawn broke, you'd slip back in and lay in your bed and let a nightmare plagued sleep overcome you.

Until one day, Tony Stark randomly showed up at your escape as you were brooding and told you that people were to start returning soon and could you wake your mother and brother and see if they wanted to see your father.

You fell off the fire escape.

Iron Man saved your life.

You didn't care, you were going to see Peter and your father again.

You were flying with the man with the suit made of gold titanium alloy and you asked, "How did you...?"

He must've glared at you.

"Confidential. But we defeated Thanos and got EVERYONE, killed before and after the snap."

He dropped you off in AFRICA??? Your other family had been dropped off by other Iron Men suits here too.

"Oh crap, I forgot his aunt. Stay in school, kid and don't tell her that I forgot. I'm off to get her now." He cursed, warned and jetted off.

You held your mother's hand, for the first time voluntarily in years and your beautiful brother held her other hand and you made up your mind to to spend more time with him. You saw a blonde woman wearing a super suit but you didn't know her. You spotter Captain America hugging a long haired man. You saw a carrot haired woman wearing scarlet, Scarlet Witch kissing a robot...or was it the Android, Vision? Whatever and whoever it was, you were happy for everyone who'd got back their lost loves back.

"Daddy!" Your brother suddenly screamed and ran, forgetting bout you, and no one reprimanded him for it because you were too busy hugging and crying and feeling remorseful at your father's appearance.

"It was my fault, I couldn't save you." You whispered as you hugged your father.

"If this was death, it wasn't too bad. I just felt like I was flying. And we were in some orange place....and what did you say? Your fault? You sound as stupid as Deep Blue Sea's directors." At which point you both laughed and cried.

Someone tapped your shoulder and you were so annoyed because HOW DARE ANYONE INTERRUPT YOUR DADDY DAUGHTER TIME.

Till you turned around and the whole world stopped.

It was Peter. Wearing some more advanced suit instead of the other tech one but you didnt notice that till much later.

"Your period is over, then?" He asked pleasantly as if he hadn't been dead for God knows how long.

Tears still streaming down your face, you tossed your hair, narrowed your eyes and punched him in the nose, taking no notice of your family's muttered surprise about 'Was he Spider-Man?' and your brother's shouts of 'SPIDEY!'

He barely faltered.

"What the hell was that for? Because I didn't bring the notes from the trip? I couldn't, I was in space. Or is it the fact that I smell like I've been dead or like I'd been stuck in a gooey candy world? Maybe because I have been. Dead, I mean, not in the candy world but the sou-"

And then you kissed him so hard and passionately that his words turned into nothingness and he kissed just as hard and furiously, because you'd both missed each other so much and you ignore your father's coughs, you could see him at home later and besides you'd already celebrated his homecoming.

So you backed Peter into a tree. And kissed him until the tree spoke. "I aM gRoOt."

"Maybe I'll ask T'Challa, the King here for one, you talking shrub." Peter said annoyed at the tree, which had eyes and frankly, it looked adorable. Even if it was almost as tall as Peter.

"Um." You interjected.

"Oh, uh, (Y/N), this herb here is Groot, he's a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy who are exactly what they sound as, and Groot, this is my girlfriend."

"I am Groot?" It sounded like a question but you weren't sure.

"No you CANNOT DATE HER, SHE's my GIRLFRIEND!" Peter screams in frustration and he pushes Groot towards a talking raccoon who's taking to a green woman and a woman with antennae. Okay.

"You'll ask who for what?" You decide to ask what seemed to be the most normal thing to ask.

"Black Panther, the King. For a room. Which the bamboo tree suggested."

"Groot wasn't wrong." You nudged him. "We need to catch up. Verbally and physically." You run your fingers through his wavy hair.

He looked like he was about to web away to the King. Then he stopped and asked, "Before I do that, where's May? Tony told me he'd bring her."

You laughed.

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killerqueenjoy · 5 years

Text

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

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tumblunni · 6 years

Text

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

#lets go bunni #bunni plays lets go

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flowersdeliverycheapest-blog · 5 years

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girlbossk · 6 years

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Tag Game!

I was tagged by @justalilbobafettish

last

Drink: ginger ale bc nausea, ugh

Phone call: no???? uh i think grandma. i don’t call people.

Text message: "Can I have tomato” to my mom

Song you listened to: something from the black panther soundtrack bc i was testing earbuds

Time you cried: um. i... do not know?? sad. when was sad. UH idk actually but probably within the last week, i just cannot remember anything before ten minutes ago and i didnt cry then.

ever

Dated someone twice: no

Kissed someone and regretted it: no

Been cheated on: no

Lost someone special: yes

Been depressed: no

Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

Fave colors: purple!!

In the last year have you

Made new friends: yep :)

Fallen out of love: not in the last year, no

Laughed until you cried: mhm

Found out someone was talking about you: not in, like, a bad way

Met someone who changed you: i guess??? idk man

Found out who your friends are: is this like a “were you betrayed” kind of thing? because i was not betrayed

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: who the hell uses facebook anymore (no)

general

How many Facebook friends do you know irl: i repeat, who the hell uses facebook anymore

Do you have any pets: dog

Do you want to change your name: idk man

What did you do for your birthday last year: i don’t remember last year. BUT the day before i skipped school to go watch star wars, probably? i actually do not know. i had school on birthday. nothing happened. then i. dinner? idk. presents. friends?

What were you doing at midnight last night: sleepin

What is something you can’t wait for: sunday

What are you listening to rn: silence

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my cousin is named tom and when i was little he was my favorite cousin because every thanksgiving we would go in the woods or climb fences or do fun things and now i miss climbing fences and am sad

Something that gets on your nerves: uh. idk.

Most visited website: no clue!! i have a few

Hair color: naturally brown, but right now it’s pretty blond bc i got a bunch of highlights then the sun gave more highlights

Long or short: medium. but trying to get longer.

Do you have a crush on someone: nope!!

What do you like about yourself: everything

Want any piercings: i have ear piercings but i gotta redo them because they closed up and i’ll do that at somepoint

Blood type: who the hell knows

Nicknames: liv

Relationship status: no

Zodiac: sagittarius

Pronouns: she/her

Fave tv shows: b99, doctor who

Tattoos: nope

Right or left handed: right

Ever had surgery: nope

Piercings: technically i have ear piercings in the normal spot but the left one closed up and i think the right one is closing

Sport: swim team!!!!!

Vacation: is this the ideal vacation or the last one i went on?? bc like a month ago i went to grand cayman. next year probably a cruise to... somewhere??? no clue. lov vacations.

More general

Eating: currently? just finished a tomato.

Drinking: nothin right now

About to watch: i’m doing school, not tv

Waiting for: sunday

Want: hulu subscription

Get married: haven’t thought about it.

Career: wanna be actress/author!! :)

Which is better

Hugs or kisses

Lips or eyes

Shorter or taller

Older or younger (being a kid was so fun!!!)

Nice arms or stomach

Hookup or relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant

have you ever

Kissed a stranger: no

Drunk hard liquor: no

Lost glasses: don’t have em

Turned someone down: yep

Sex on first date: no

Broken someone’s heart: no

Had your heart broken: no

Been arrested: no

Cried when someone died: no

Fallen for a friend: no

Do you believe in

Yourself: yes

Miracles: no

Love at first sight: no

Santa Claus: used to, now i pretend to

Kiss on a first date: idk

Angels: no

Others

Best friends names: dani, dani, dani (and some irl ones too that aren’t dani)

#not tagging anyone #too lazy to

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giverofempathy · 6 years

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so i got tagged to do this like twice by @btapants

and @britneytshirt so !! heres me doing it kslgnsgnwrg enjoy i guess

last

drink // water tbh thats the only thing i ever drink

phone call // my mum bc i didnt know where she was

text message // “tamara threw that bean and neal fell in” abt once upon a time to my sister like an hour ago

song you listened to // dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen its my new thing i love it

time you cried // last night it was uhhhhh a mess

ever

dated someone twice // yeah even tho the second time it lasted One Day so idk if that counts

kissed someone and regretted it // nah i aint ever kissed anyone

been cheated on // kind of

lost someone special // yes

been depressed // its complicated i went to therapy for it but that place never diagnosed me with anything but they treated me for depression so i guess i had it? not anymore tho

gotten drunk and thrown up // no ive never gotten drunk at all

fave colours // black (dont tell me its not a color idk) and pink and red and- a lot more skljskgj

in the last year have you

made new friends // yes

fallen out of love // no

laughed until you cried // yes i love it

found out someone was talking about you // i dont think so??

met someone who changed you // no

found out who your friends are // iwjgkwjgklwrg i dont know the only irl friend i got is my sister and she aint leaving so

kissed someone on your facebook friends list // no

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl // i couldnt tell you i havent used facebook in years

do you have any pets // yes two cats

do you want to change your name // no

what did you do for your last birthday // i dont rlly remember but i didnt have school i think i went out for lunch and went to the garden centre?? but it might be something completely different drngkrng i have bad memory

what were you doing at midnight last night // in my bed on my phone probably crying over harry

what is something you can’t wait for // going to the hairdresser tbh my hair needs to be cut badly

what are you listening to right now // henry style

have you ever talked to a person named tom // no

something that gets on your nerves // men. and men who wear too much cologne also people who think they can control what other people do

most visited website // i think netflix or youtube

hair colour // blonde (rn its bleached and its gonna pink soon i think)

long or short hair // short with bangs

do you have a crush on someone // no slkgjsklgjs

what do you like about yourself // uhhhhh i got some nice titties and im kind

want any piercings // yes i so badly want more ear piercings

blood type // i dont know lkdfjfgklsjg

nicknames // sal and lis

relationship status // single

zodiac // gemini sun taurus moon leo rising

pronouns // she/her

fave tv shows // doctor who, the walking dead, orange is the new black, brooklyn nine nine

tattoos // one,, stay soft with lavender branches and a moon on my left upper arm

right or left handed // right

ever had surgery // i think not

piercings // my nose and regular earlobe piercings

sport // i have a subscription to the gym but i havent been in uuhhhh weeks

vacation // i went to my aunts cabin in the woods it was nice i liked it

trainers // ???? what this mean

more general

eating // just had spinach with potatoes and vegan fish sticks

drinking // nothing

about to watch // once upon a time

waiting for // my mom to finish the dishes so i can shower

want // more tattoos and for my anxiety to leave me alone

get married // i think so yes

career // i dont know

which is better

hugs or kisses // hugs

lips or eyes // i think eyes but like... me love soft lips

shorter or taller // taller

older or younger // older but only by a little bit i aint gonna date no woman that is like 25 years older thank u very much

nice arms or stomach // stomach i love stomach

hookup or relationship // relationship

troublemaker or hesitant // i dont know

kissed a stranger // nope

drunk hard liquor // never

lost glasses // no thankfully i would go crazy im so blind

turned someone down // lkgelkg yes

sex on first date // ive never.... had a date

broken someone’s heart // i think i did but i didnt mean to i still hate myself for it

had your heart broken // yes but with a friend bc she just left without saying a word

been arrested // no

cried when someone died // yes iolkgjrsk

fallen for a friend // i guess but i dont like her like that anymore

do you believe in

yourself // yea

miracles // i uhhh dont know

love at first sight // no

santa claus // no

kiss on a first date // no

angels // yes!!!

others

best friend’s name // i don’t uuhhhh have one but i consider my sister my best friend and her name is chayenne

eye colour // blue

fave movie // nightmare before christmas and the fox and the hound and grease

fave actors // i uhuohtwlhg dont know harry is an actor now so imma say harry

i tag @eventuell @bdethor @melancholrry ,lkgjlkgjwg i dont know anyone elseuhhhh ya love yall

#tag game #salisha speaks

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yourprayer · 6 years

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some reddie headcannons no one asked for

so sara and i were talking aaaaaannnddd… these happened. we apologize for nothing.

co-written with the lovely @turtleneckrichie !!!! go follow her right now you fools

hcs about Eddie’s journey with last names <3

Okay but hear me out

Richie and Eddie end up accidentally moving in together

Like Richie gets his own place ASAP bc this boy loves to be independent.

He’s so excited to have his own house but tbh he’s a slob!!!!

Eddie is always over bc “RICHIE U HAVENT DONE DISHES IN A MONTH”

“Eds it’s only been four days”

“YOU USE THAT MANY BOWLS IN FOUR DAYS”

Eventually Eddie just ends up sleeping over? all the time? cause Richie is so bad at adulting?

Eds has a permanent parking spot in the driveway

Yeah Richie isn’t complaining bc that’s his boy

At first they aren’t together

But u can’t just… be pals when ur constantly cleanin house together

Trust me it takes a special kind of love to scrub toilets as a team

Yeah so all the losers kinda just accept that they’re together bc… they’re meant to be

K so like they go on dates but they don’t call them dates per say

“Just 2 bros hangin out at a fancy restaurant (three tables apart cause they’re NOT GAY)”

“Rich stop”

Eventually they accept it and Eds asks Richie out officially

Cause Richie is still in denial like he loves this boy? How did he not know? WOW HIS EYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL okay seriously how did he not realize

Eddie is beyond happy bc like they have their own place? And they’re boyfriends?

Bc as soon as they start datin Eddie is like boy BYE and ditches his mom’s place!!!

(Richie is hella thankful for him getting away from his mom)

(And Eddie’s general attitude/vibes perk up so much bc he’s not!!! In a toxic environment anymore!!!)

SO NOW IT’S BEEN MONTHS AND THEY’RE SERIOUS

Like, they make plans based on each other’s schedules bc they wanna hang out all! the! time!

“Sorry Stanley I’m hanging out with Eds on that day”

“Richie that day is THREE WEEKS AWAY”

Eddie high key always makes arrangements for things for the two of them

Like this boy is 100% the guy who uses “we” when answering questions

“Eddie, you wanna go to the movies with us?”

“We’d love to Mike!!!”

“I- okay. Yeah. Shoulda known.”

So it’s super late n they’re snuggling in bed, bein all lovey and stuff

And Eddie decides that he’s gonna stop using his last name

“Rich, I think I wanna change my last name.”

“To Tozier, I hope?”

“Why are you like this”

“Yeah but seriously if you wanna do that then go for it babe!!”

(Eddie lowkey already made an email account w/ Tozier as his last name just to try it. He liked it a lot indeed)

Richie is so supportive like Eds is pretty much completely in love w him at this point

Even when Eddie tried to take up scrapbooking.

“Literally no one likes scrapbooking why are you even doing this”

“Richie stop it, let me focus”

“Can I put glitter glue all over your face?”

“Richie no you’re an adult”

He most certainly signs his book (with glitter glue, at Richie’s request) as E.T. bc those are his initials now

And YES Richie makes so many jokes about it

“You know babe, your initials are E.T. now”

“Richie it’s three in the morning go to bed”

“ET PHONE HOME”

“RICHARD go to SLEEP”

Eventually Eddie’s driver’s license expires and it’s time for him to visit the DMV

Yes, he definitely signs his renewed license as Eddie Tozier

“Wait, Eds, have you had your name legally changed yet??”

“No?????”

“Then… isn’t that identity fraud??”

“Hey Tozier, why don’t you shut up and don’t get me arrested. Just say we’re married”

“Okay… Tozier (:< ” *HEART EYES INTENSIFY*

Eddie doesn’t mention it but suddenly everything in his life is Tozier Tozier Tozier!!!

He even orders his magazine subscriptions w/ Richie’s last name

“Babe did you subscribe to… Ryan Gosling Source Weekly??”

“SWEET MY MAGAZINES ARE HERE!”

“You… used my name to get magazines of ur celeb crush…”

“Ya and I used ur credit card so watch out for that on the bill”

Richie is still whipped™

So he’s like “well what would Eds want for our one year anniversary?”

And he gets AN IDEA

He’s like “ok let’s change Eddie Spaghetti’s last name legally” bc he actually wants him to be a Tozier!!

So Rich does all that legal stuff just for his Eds to have his last name be Tozier!

And when their one year is comin up Richie just puts the certificate in a lil box w some cute blue wrapping paper and has Eddie open it

Eds is like on the brink of tears he loves his boy? So much?

Yeah and later on they go on a nice dinner date and surprise surprise!

Richie gets down on one knee and Eds immediately is shook

Cue confused and a lil bit sad Richie

“BAbe i’m literally proposing what ru doin”

Eds WHIPS a little box out of his pocket and shoves it in his face

“I WAS GONNA PROPOSE TO YOU”

Everyone in the restaurant is laughing. So. Hard.

Like the whole freaking wait staff is just like “christ these two, whatta mess”

So they’re a mess and Richie puts the ring away so Eds can propose bc HE WANTS TO SO BAD

“Richie Tozier, we may already have the same last name but like, I can’t get enough of you so please marry me.”

“Yes of course I’m gonna marry you, Eds! I won’t let a bod like yours get away so easily”

“Richie literally I just proposed can you just,, not for like,, one moment please and put on the ring”

Richie demands his Own Proposal bc he wants to say he was the one that proposed

“Just think of it Eds… when my aunt asks us who popped the question we can both say “i did” and not be lying! It’ll be the perfect way to confuse my family!”

“Richie we just.. Got engaged u don’t have to do it a second time”

“EDDIE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET MEEE”

Richie 100% does the whole friken… stands on a chair clinkin a glass

“I HAVE A DECLARATION TO MAKE”

“We all just saw you guys get engaged….”

“NO U DIDNT NOW STOP INTERRUPTING”

Eddie has never rolled his eyes harder

“Eddie Tozier… will u be my Eddie Tozier…. But like for reals now??”

Eddie is just that “I GUESS” meme

Yeah the whole restaurant claps, again

(Cause Richie demanded that they all clap for them again)

Eddie is blushin hardcore bc his boy is so extra?? How is he so lucky???

Richie makes a Big Show of putting the ring on him

He just somehow… does… like no one understands how bc it’s just a ring??

But like… he is so graceful abt it and its such a Soft gesture

Eddie feels like a fool bc he’s fumblin so much n almost drops his??

But Richie just smiles n says “You got this Tozier” <3

#this is the greatest thing sara and i have ever made #anyways we're Extra but heres some hcs!!!!#ilysm sara ty for writing these w/ me and we will 100% be writing more in the future (:<#it #it 2017 #reddie #reddie headcannons #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #it headcannons #it 2017 headcannons #prior.txt #prior.hc

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diaryofsecrecy · 3 years

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It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea. Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER. They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years, And on drugs. She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out. We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world, Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

#latenite #life #struggle #deep thinking #bad choices #misunderstood #deardiary #confessions

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silvermarmot · 3 years

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Got blindsided by Amazon prime renewal and an adobe subscription renewal. Now we're negative in the bank with $150 cash for the next two weeks (including gas and my brother's prescriptions as well as groceries). We have one case of bottled water, and tap isnt drinkable, so probably $20 or so of that will go just to water (4 people and my brother has a condition that requires him to drink a lot of water). [And getting that water will be a bigger risk than normal since we can't order delivery or curbside with cash and not only is the super bowl tomorrow, the super bowl is tomorrow a 30 minute drive from here, so stores and traffic are worse than usual.] So frustrated. It seems like every time we start to get ahold of things financially something happens to fuck it up. We have to move in a few months too, and that requires a lot of money, even if we rent a uhaul because we have to pay someone to move the big stuff (mom has a bad back and my shoulder is messed up). We've had trouble ever since dad got cancer and died in 2013, since he had put exactly zero dollars aside for illness or death expenses (he was in his 50s, obese, with uncontrolled diabetes, he should have had plans in place). Since then its just been one damn thing after another, always spaced just far enough apart that we can't get out of the cycle. My dad's siblings are all stupid rich, like, multimillionaires on the "you cant spend this in a lifetime" level, and they all refused flat out to help us in any way. Even when we made clear it was a loan we would pay back (hell, my aunt was paying me to clear out grandma's house but she stiffed me for over half of it). They also completely cut us out of the family, going from visits every couple months when dad was alive to literally I haven't seen 2 of them since 2013 and 1 of them since 2016 with no explanation as to why.

Not to mention that I don't contribute anything financially here. I have several mental health issues and can barely get work and haven't maintained anything longer than like 6 months ever. Florida never expanded medicaid so medication and doctors visits cost a fortune. I haven't seen a psychiatrist or therapist since 2017 when my last job with insurance ended. I'm only still on medication because my primary care agreed to continue the prescriptions for me (he won't adjust or change anything though, he just doesn't do that), and the expense of that is, of course, also a burden to the household. I mean, I'm 33 for God's sake, no car, no job, living with my mom. I'm pretty much just a drain on resources here.

Plus, it turns out that, amongst the many abuses my dad put me through (none physical, which makes it seem so much less bad than many other people have had it, which makes me wonder why the hell i can't get over it), the financial abuse he put me through by making me work for him from 2005 until a couple months before he died wasn't even properly taxed. He just, didnt pay taxes or social security on any of it. I didnt get a regular reliable pay check at any point, and none of it even happened according to the government which means all that work didnt even count towards my social security score. Which means, even if I could afford the doctors visits necessary to get proof of qualification for disability (which is virtually impossible for mental health in Florida), I dont qualify for any benefits because, as far as the Social Security Administration is concerned, I haven't worked enough to qualify. And at the rate I'm going I won't ever qualify for social security, even if im 70. So, like, not even in old age will I have any financial security.

Basically, finances are shit, mental health is shit, ptsd is shit, the world is shit, my extended family is shit, there's nothing I can do to fix it, no one who will help, and I feel like shit. Plus, I have a cold. Just to put a cherry on top of the shit sundae.

Sorry for the incredibly long vent, but I need to get this off my chest somewhere.

#personal #i feel like im screaming into the void here #which sucks #but i also don't feel like i deserve to complain about any of this to anyone else #so i guess it all goes here until i feel bad about it being here and delete it too

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swampgallows · 7 years

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i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again.

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person.

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games.

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that.

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway).

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive.

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester.

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it.

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women.

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood.

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter.

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time.

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

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