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#if i tell myself exactly what to do ahead of time - i can do it
starbuck · 4 months
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well, today i read 100 pages of my book, made a (currently) complete calendar schedule for the entire year that encompasses work, school, and free time activities, and got myself completely set up to start the next semester on Monday, so i may not have gotten everything done that i wanted to, but i’m still proud of myself!
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pepprs · 6 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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cosmicanakin · 9 days
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Mile High Club
adult content | minors do NOT interact.
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Pairing. Dean Winchester x Female Reader.
Outline. You and Dean slip away from Sam and Bobby for a moment to indulge Dean's neediness in the backseat of the Impala.
Warning(s). Smut (P in V – wrap it up folks), Praising, Explicit Language, Semi Public Sex, Pet Names, & Sam teasing both Dean & Reader.
Word Count. 984
Authors Note. I know that I've been slacking with writing nowadays, I'm so sorry. I was—am focusing on myself to better my mental health. But to make up for it, I give you this. So I hope you're taking good care of yourselves & I love you so much. Enjoyyyy!
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You couldn’t believe this was happening. Here you were, bouncing feverishly on Dean Winchester’s cock in the backseat of the Impala, his hands gripping your hips as he moaned in pure ecstasy.
The case you were supposed to be working on with Sam and Bobby was the furthest thing from your mind right now. All that mattered was the delicious friction building between your bodies, the way Dean’s thick, throbbing length filled you up so perfectly.
“That’s it, baby,” Dean growled, voice gravelly with lust. “Ride my dick just like that. You’re such a good girl, taking me so well.”
You whimpered, your nails digging into the firm muscles of his shoulders as you picked up the pace, your hips rolling and grinding against him in a desperate rhythm. The sounds of your bodies joining together echoed through the confines of the car, only spurring Dean on further.
“Fuck, you feel so goddamn good,” he groaned, his fingers tightening their grip on your hips. “My gorgeous little slut, riding me so fucking good.”
The praise sent a shiver of pleasure down your spine, and you felt the familiar coil of tension building deep within you. You were so close, teetering on the edge of ecstasy, and Dean could tell.
“Go ahead, darlin’, come for me,” he demanded, his thumb brushing against your sensitive bundle of nerves. “Show me how much you love my cock.”
With a sharp cry, you surrendered to the overwhelming sensations, your body trembling as wave after wave of mind-blowing pleasure washed over you. Dean followed closely behind, his hips snapping up into you as he spilled himself deep inside.
For a moment, the only sounds were the heavy panting of your breaths and the occasional contented hum from Dean. Then, finally, he pulled you down for a searing kiss, his hands caressing your flushed skin.
“Damn, Y/N, you’re fuckin’ perfect,” he murmured, his lips trailing down your neck. “I could do this all day.”
You chuckled breathlessly, your fingers tracing the strong lines of his jaw. “As much as I’d love to, we should probably get back to helping Sam and Bobby,”you said, reluctantly lifting yourself off of him.
Dean groaned in protest, his hands sliding down to grip your thighs again. “Do we have to?” he whined, his eyes pleading. “I’m not done with you yet.”
You laughed, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Yes, we have to,” you said firmly, already starting to redress. “The sooner we get this case wrapped up, the sooner we can come back here and pick up where we left off.”
Dean pouted, but he knew better than to argue. With a resigned sigh, he began to clean himself up, already mentally planning all the ways he was going to ravish you once this job was done.
Bonus Part.
By the time you and Dean finally emerged from the Impala, faces flushed and clothes slightly disheveled, Sam was waiting for you with a knowing smirk on his face.
“Well, well, look who decided to join us,” he quipped, his eyes flickering between you and his brother. “And just where have you two been, hmm?”
You felt your cheeks burning with embarrassment, your mind racing to come up with a plausible excuse. But one glance at Dean’s guilty expression told you that Sam already knew exactly what you two had been up to.
“We, uh, we were just—” Dean began, only to be cut off by the gruff voice of Bobby, who came storming out of the motel room.
“Where the hell have you two idjits been?” he growled, his brow furrowed in frustration. “We’ve been waitin’ on you for over an hour! Sam and I could’ve used your help, you know.”
You cringed, fully prepared for the tongue-lashing you and Dean were about to receive. But to your surprise, Sam stepped in, his expression far too innocent to be believable.
“Oh, I’m sure they were, uh, otherwise occupied,” he said, his lips twitching with amusement. “Isn’t that right, you two?”
Dean shot his brother a withering glare, but Sam only grinned, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. You wanted nothing more than to disappear into the ground, your mortification notable.
“What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?” Bobby demanded, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Sam chuckled, jerking his thumb in your direction. “Well, let’s just say our dear friend Y/N here has been, uh, keeping Dean “company” while the rest of us were working."
Your mouth fell open in shock, and you could practically feel the heat radiating from Dean's body as he shifted uncomfortably beside you. Bobby’s eyes widened with realization, and a gruff, disapproving grunt escaped his lips.
“Oh, for the love of—” he muttered, shaking his head in exasperation. “You two idjits couldn’t keep it in your pants for five minutes, could you?”
You felt the embarrassment coursing through you, and you resisted the overwhelming urge to bury your face in your hands. But Dean, ever the quick-witted one, managed to find his voice.
“Hey, come on, it’s not our fault you two were taking forever!” he protested, his tone defensive. “We were just, you know, passing the time.”
Sam burst out laughing, slapping his knees in amusement. “Oh, I’ll bet you were,” he chuckled, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “Just try to keep it in your pants from now on, huh? We’ve got work to do.”
With that, he turned and headed back towards the motel room, leaving you and Dean to face the wrath of a thoroughly exasperated Bobby. As the older hunter launched into a lecture about professionalism and work ethic, you couldn’t help but wonder if this was the most embarrassed you’d ever been in your life.
But as you glanced over at Dean, the sheepish grin on his face told you that he wouldn't have had it any other way.
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mellifluouaamor · 16 days
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MASH BURNEDEAD, FINN AMES, LANCE CROWN, DOT BARRETT, RAYNE AMES, ABEL WALKER, ABYSS RAZOR, WIRTH MADL, CARPACCIO LUO-YANG, ORTER MADL (SEPARATE) ⍣ GENDER-NEUTRAL READER
synopsis. his reaction to you asking him, “what if i suddenly disappeared one day?”
author's note. reader's relationship with the boys is up to your interpretation! but reader is implied to be orter's betrothed here c;
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as a blank look crosses his face, MASH almost drops the cream puff he was eating upon registering your question. he stops for a moment to think what exactly made you ask him that, but when he can't come up with any reason he decides to ask you a question of his own. "did something happen?"
when you don't answer him, he clenches a fist beside his head. someone must be threatening you - why else would you ask him that out of nowhere? "tell me his name. i'll punch the stuffing out of him so he doesn't bother you again."
mash is puzzled when you wave your hands around frantically, claiming that nobody is bothering you. "i was just curious!" you exclaim, "don't think about it too deeply. i just wanna know how you'd feel and what you'd do if it happens."
he hums thoughtfully as he continues eating his cream puff. the thought of you suddenly disappearing makes his chest feel heavy. losing you is like losing his pops - but ten times worse. he visibly deflates and stops eating, which worries you. when you place a hand on his shoulder, mash grabs that same hand and pulls you towards him.
"if you suddenly disappeared one day... i'll be sad. but i'll find you," he says, cupping your cheek which grows warm under his touch, "and i'll keep trying until i do."
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FINN would stare at you like you've just told the entire world his deepest and darkest secret. a few seconds pass, and the freckled first-year then clings to your sleeve as if he's a child about to be left behind by his mother. "wh-what? why would you ask that? where would you go? why would you go? is... is everything okay...?"
you could tell that he's becoming more anxious with every second that ticks by from the way he's clenching his fists against your robe. you reassure him that everything is okay and he relaxes a little, but he's still bothered by your question.
"then why are you asking me...?" he asks, trailing off. he's starting to think that you're actually hiding something from him and becomes jittery again. he grips your arm tightly, afraid that you'll disappear into thin air if he doesn't, and you wince; you swear that he's cutting off the blood circulation in your arm.
when you tell him that you're only asking for fun, that does little to ease his nerves. "but i can't get it out of my head! i'm scared- i don't want you to disappear without a trace!"
for the next few days, finn would become extra clingy and glue himself to your side whenever he can. lance and dot would cast judging looks his way, but he couldn't care less. as long as he's with you, there's no way you'd suddenly disappear, right?
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LANCE rolls his eyes at your question. "like that'll ever happen. you don't even know how to cast the transportation spell properly." despite his words, he's a bit concerned that something might be happening to you behind his back or you're sick, and you're not telling him about it.
"oh come on, you know that's not what i meant!" you exclaim, "just answer my question!" he lets out a quiet sigh. folding his arms over his chest, he stares straight ahead and thinks about what he'd do if you were suddenly gone from the academy one day.
"there's not much to do except to ask your friends and teachers where you went. if they don't know, then i'll search for you myself." there's a pause, and you tilt your head curiously as he looks down, his bangs casting a shadow over his eyes. "i'll keep looking until i find you." after that, lance doesn't talk to you for the rest of the day.
the following morning, your friends tell you that lance was borderline interrogating them about your private life last night, making you internally question his intentions. you can feel someone's gaze on your back as you go about your day, making you scared of the prospect of someone stalking you.
you also notice that lance has been overly attentive towards your activities over the course of the week, asking questions such as, "where's your next class? which friend are you going to sit with? what class do you have after that?"
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DOT doesn't think much about it at first and just laughs. "disappear? where are you even planning to go?" with a beam, he slings an arm over your shoulder. "don't think of going anywhere without me! wherever you go, i'll follow!"
you laugh along, unable to continue the conversation with how much of a cheery fellow he is.
later on, dot's mind would drift back to your question. he knits his eyebrows together, wondering why you would even ask him that. is someone bullying you? or maybe... he stands up abruptly and slams his hands on his desk, disrupting the class as he shouts, "I OFFENDED THEM WITHOUT KNOWING?!"
even when he's told to stand outside of the classroom until the class ends as punishment, he couldn't stop thinking about it. he's itching to barge into your classroom to ask you, but holds himself back from getting into further trouble.
during one of your breaks, dot would pull you aside and hold your shoulders firmly as he stares into your wide eyes. "look, i'm sorry for whatever i did. i'll apologise a thousand times if i have to," he says, and after a brief pause he adds, "just don't go anywhere i can't follow."
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RAYNE is immediately alarmed by your question, and he turns to face you with his usual frown deepening. he then grabs your arm to prevent you from leaving and asks, "what do you mean? spit it out. what happened?"
he won't let you go until you tell him everything. he doesn't even bother hiding the fact that he's worried, and the worst case scenario keeps surfacing in his mind. this is why he didn't want people knowing that you're close to him; you might be used against him, or even worse, hurt because of him.
"please, (y/n). tell me if something's wrong," he implores. he can't bear the thought you disappearing right before his eyes, and he really thinks that your life is in danger. even when you say that you're asking the question in a general sense, he's not about to take any chances.
rayne would ask max to look after you in his place and to keep tabs on your activities, as well as the people you'd frequently interact with. max thinks that he's overthinking but does it all anyway because he understands rayne's concern for your safety and well-being.
rayne would also make an effort to spend more time with you outside of classes so that he can guard you himself. you'll have to give him plenty of reassurance to convince him that nobody is out to get you.
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ABEL drops his doll; that's how shocked he feels when you asked him that haunting question. why would you ask him that, knowing that he had lost his mother when he was a child? do you want to torture him by disappearing without a single trace of your existence?
you immediately regret asking him that and try to apologise. before any words could leave your mouth, abel pulls you into a tight hug with one arm wrapped around your waist and the other around your shoulders. his gesture catches you off-guard, rendering you speechless.
"please don't," he whispers, "i feel the safest with you. if anyone or anything tries to take you from my side, i swear i'll take you back." without you, abel would truly be a lost child searching endlessly for the warmth that had left him.
the following day, you'd find abel and abyss as your scary dog privilege on campus.
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"... are you actually scared of me?" ABYSS gives you a melancholy smile as he asks you a question of his own. he had always dreaded the day that you would admit your fear of him because of his evil eye; although he knew that you would never leave him simply because of that, he still can't help but be scared of the slightest possibility that you might.
he slowly reaches for your face and gingerly cups your cheek, as if he's scared that you might reject him and pull away from his touch. he lets out the bated breath he didn't know he had been holding when you don't, and caresses the soft skin with his thumb.
"i know it's selfish of me to say this... but please don't leave me. you're all that i have, and life is only worth fighting for when you're there," he admits. abyss had a rough past where he was unloved even by his own parents, so when you approached him with a smile that shines like the light of dawn, he found himself unable to let go of your outstretched hand.
however, if the situation ever calls for it, he's willing to learn to let go. "if there ever comes a time when you're no longer by my side... then i'll accept it. but if anyone tries to take you against your will..." there's a pause as his left eye glints. "then i'll make sure that they're the ones who disappear."
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WIRTH lets out a loud laugh before leaning towards your face with a smirk. "And who would dare to take you away from me?" he'll gladly challenge anyone who attempts to do so, and he's confident that he'll win. "you've always been bad at hide and seek too, so how would you even hide from me?"
"just answer the damn question," you say with a huff, "it's not that deep. it's only a 'what if'." propping his chin on the palm of his hand, he mulls over what you had asked. if you disappeared because someone took you away...
"well, i'll simply find you and make the perpetrator suffer," he replies, "by the time i notice your disappearance, you wouldn't have gone far anyway." then, there's a long, awkward pause as wirth averts his gaze, like he wants to say something else but is reluctant to.
after a moment, he adds in a more serious tone, "if you need any protection, don't hesitate to find me. i promise i'll keep you safe." you can't help but feel a bit shy hearing those words come from him.
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CARPACCIO is eerily silent. he doesn't even look at you. he could only try to think of what his life would be like in your absence… and decides that he doesn't want to consider the possibility.
"disappear where?" he asks as he finally meets your nervous gaze, "would you disappear unwillingly? or of your own accord?" cupping his chin, he thinks about your question more thoroughly and tries to apply it in the different situations he could come up with.
"if you were taken against your will, then the most logical thing to do is rescue you," he answers, spinning his knife around his fingers, "and of course, i'll make sure that whoever kidnapped you will be in so much pain that they wish they're dead." a slight shiver went down your spine; you could actually see carpaccio doing that.
"but if you left on your own, then..." carpaccio trails off for a moment, unsure of how to vocalise his thoughts. "... i'd still find you, i guess. and try to figure out why you left."
carpaccio knows that the question you asked is merely hypothetical... but he can't stop himself from thinking that he may have done something to make you consider disappearing from his life. he'd try to figure out what instigated those thoughts of yours before finally asking you.
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"i have ways of looking for missing people. just finding you would be child's play," ORTER answers, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "is that all you'd like to discuss with me? please stop wasting my time with your nonsensical questions. if you're that unhappy with our engagement, take it up with my father."
he doesn't want to admit it, but he's actually thinking about your question far too much to the point that it's affecting his daily life. he gets visibly agitated whenever he's not in your presence, which doesn't go unnoticed by kaldo, who proceeds to tease him. "what got you so nervous, hm? worried that your future spouse won't be happy with you once you're married?"
if renatus happens to be passing by, he'd join in by saying, "he brought it upon himself. who asked him to be an ass fiance? i wouldn't be surprised if they plan on disappearing from his sight."
renatus' words would get orter thinking. after pondering your question more, he'd come to the conclusion that you feel neglected and are planning to leave him soon. the mere thought makes his chest feel painfully tight, and he'd drop whatever he's doing to search for you.
the longer he takes to find you, the more anxious he feels inside. the moment he sees you, he'd grab your shoulder and roughly turn you around to confirm that it's really you. you're surprised to see the dread on his countenance, which gradually dissipates once he's sure that he has found you.
there's a flash of guilt in his eyes, and as he gently takes your hand in his, he quietly says, "i'm sorry. please... don't ever leave my side."
(you can read kaldo's part here)
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angelltheninth · 1 month
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Hey! 2 things.
1, you are an incredible human being and an inspiration to all x reader writers out there. Seriously, keep doing what you do.
2, I was wondering if you could write boyfriend headcannons for Gambit from the animated X-Men series. Either NSFW or SFW is fine (or both🤨).
If not, then I just send good words and lots of love and support from myself and other writers.
STAY YOU!!!
Gambit is actually among my top 3 favorite X-Men, at least the men.
Pairing: Remy "Gambit" LeBeau x Fem!Reader
Tags: nsfw, smut, gentle to rough sex, teasing, kissing, fingering, clit simulation, morning sex, domestic fluff, pre-mission sex
A/N: The new show re-ignited my love for him.
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Gambit isn't exactly lazy but he is still very much in the honeymoon phase of you relationship
And that grants him the right to be a bit more lazy in the mornings
He can't let you go without some cuddling and kisses
Which would be fine if he wasn't so handsy with you all the fucking time
You joked about tying his hands behind his back for one he could get out of that easily, and two it would turn him on more
His hands are too nice to restrain anyways, it would be a great loss for you
Knows you don't have that much time so he won't waste any more, he let's you know what he wants, and that is you riding his fingers with your shirt pushed up so he can see your tits
Because he's so honest you can't tell him no, because of that and his smile that makes your knees weak and pussy throb
Not one, finger he knows you can already take two
Curse him for being a tease like he was, and for knowing just how you like your clit rubbed to get your hips to shake on top of him
Sitting up he kisses you to silence you moans at the change of the angle, now his fingers are three knuckles deep, he's only able to curl them upwards
But he can still move his thumb around your clit, he can still use his other hand to grope your breast while licking and kissing the other one
Nothing could tear Gambit away from you now, no danger or mission or apocalypse, not even you pulling on his hair like that to pull him from your sensitive nipple
The fingers inside you are good but not enough to make you finish
You need something much thicker, you need that cock of his that's been pressing against your thigh
Since he's already sitting up you sit on his lap, kissing him breathless while you, somewhat awkwardly push his underwear down to his feet
No more teasing, Gambit pushes the whole throbbing length into your pussyhole, filling the emptiness left by his fingers
Doesn't let you ride him fast, he wants to enjoy this, you have a whole day of not being able to do this ahead of you
With his hands moving from your hips to your soft thighs to your even softer ass he gives it a playful smack every time you speed up too much
You want to kiss that knowing smirk right off his smug face
And hell, he's not saying no
Feel free to leave as many scratch marks as you'd like
He really doesn't want to pull out but he is really close, here, he'll give you his fingers instead, your pussy doesn't have to be empty when you come, he knows you hate that more then anything
Not as good as his cock but better then nothing
Infinitely more messy when he comes because his cum goes all over your stomach
Now you have to take a shower too, if anyone asks why you're late to the mission briefing you'll blame it on your boyfriend
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soobnny · 10 months
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ten things seo changbin says when he thinks you’re asleep — fluff, established relationship, a little angst
chan | lee know | CHANGBIN | hyunjin | han | felix | seungmin | jeongin
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one. happy one year anniversary, my love. ah, i don’t think i can fall asleep for a while. my heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest because i’m so happy right now. it’s so crazy to think back to a year ago. did you know i cried when you said yes to being mine? i tried to keep it together in front of you but i sobbed the moment i got home. thank you for giving me a chance, and for continuing to give me a chance. one year, huh?
two. i never thought i’d feel this way again. i thought no one could possibly love me, but then you came in the form of the biggest contradiction. ah, (name), thank you for loving me.
three. i love your moles. you always say you hate them, but i love them because it’s yours. i love them because it’s so potently you. i love everything about you.
four. the boys joked around about marriage earlier, how i’d probably be the first one to tie the knot, and i know they were teasing, but it got me thinking. i genuinely do want to marry you. i think about it all the time. i think about how lovely you’d look in white, and whether or not you’d prefer a beach wedding or a fall wedding. you always told me how much you loved them. and god, who would my best man even be? felix would kill me if it isn’t him. and our first dance… would it be exactly like the way we dance in the kitchen at midnight? ah, sorry, i’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t i?
five. i hope this isn’t just all in my head, that i’m not just making you up. you’re too good to be true sometimes… do i really deserve you?
six. honey? i’m sorry. i should’ve never yelled at you. i know you were coming from a place of concern, and a tiring day is a horrible excuse for my actions. i’m sorry. please sleep well. we’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?
seven. you got a haircut yesterday. you didn’t tell anyone, but i noticed. you look very pretty, ah what am i even saying? you always look pretty. everyone adores you, but not as much as i do, kay? i love you.
eight. my arms are always open for you, my love. i will catch you if you fall, even if i have to do it over and over again. just don’t give up.
nine. i feel like i’m losing you. please don’t go anywhere. i— i don’t know what to do without you.
ten. i always thought i was hard to love. thank you for making it seem so easy. i love you. i can’t wait to ask you to marry me tomorrow. ah, let me sleep now so tomorrow comes faster. i hope you say yes.
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aethelwyneleigh27 · 14 days
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Toothache
How does one go "You're Too Sweet For Me" to "My Baby's Sweet As Can Be"?
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Synopsis: Simon Riley finds himself stuck in a situation, growing feelings for his roommate who's so annoyingly caring, domestic, sweet and too good for him. What happens when he let's himself indulge in the sweetness rather than cage himself in the bitter life he's been told is the only one he's deserving of and the only life he's known?
Apologies to this mess of a lyricfic, I couldn't help it even though this was supposed to be a relationship analysis..
MEN WRITTEN BY ANA HUANG ARE GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME. Alright back to our original programmed schedule with Hozier. ALSO SURPRISE! THIS CONTAINS 3 HOZIER SONGS as an apology for not posting these past two weeks due to me enjoying holidays, reading, prom dress picking and wanting to stab myself because of life, there's the added bonus 👀
My CoD Masterlist
My Simon Riley x You Playlist
Also reader in this one had a lot of characterization, she's me fr, so AFAB?Reader, Fem!Reader, Short!Reader, Reader is VERY feminine with fashion, soft-girl-sunshine!Reader and Chubby?Reader. Y'all have no idea how hard it is to write without a personality and physical intimacy in romance, I tried but failed 😭
Warnings and Disclaimers: Mentions and details on sexual content ahead (is this considered smut? Idk anymore). Not detailed smut but vivid memories of sexual intercourse (especially the dialogue) with Simon. Again, this is a safe account for all ages because I'm not a MDNI acc, you are responsible for your own media consumption. DO NOT GO ON MY DMS, INBOX OR REPLY TO MY CONTENT TO TELL ME YOUR AGE. I don't need to know that and let's strive to not make each other uncomfortable. Mentions of questioning of religion or rather belief on afterlife??
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Pink, bold and italic: Lyrics
Italic: recalling past events
Little snippet of an image of how I imagined he'd hold you, courtesy of the one and only @ave661
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"It can't be said I'm an early bird, it's 10 o'clock before I say a word. Baby, I can never tell, how do you sleep so well?"
Simon Riley was never a man to live the life he was taught to in the military, it was out of habit for him to not leave his room until around noon. Then there was you, his roommate, he didn't exactly calculate how much it would affect his personal life to save money through rent by willingly letting someone within the same living space.
He'd find himself with not even a wink of sleep, hearing your footsteps through the thin walls, hearing the lock on the windows outside click open.
"You kept telling me to live right, to go to bed before the daylight. But then you wake up from the sunrise."
He'd always hear you, quite frankly it was like nagging on the constant.
"Simon you shouldn't do that, you'll hurt yourself"
"Simon please go get some rest"
"Simon.."
He'd swear he'd rip his own ears out every time his name falls from your lips from how sweet and chirpy it sounded and yet deafening silence would consume him whenever you aren't around.
"You don't gotta pretended, Baby, now and then. Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake? Smellin' lika bonfire, lost in the haze?"
Something about you makes it so tempting for Simon to give in, I mean it would be a one time thing, wouldn't it? So soft, so pliant, he set himself up for an addiction. It wasn't healthy, he knew this, he'd convince himself of the fact that he would end up hurting you.
Just too different, it repeated like a mantra in his head. He was bitter, brooding and didn't find any sense of pleasure in living. Why'd you think he has the job he chose? It's all he knew, till you skip your way into his life, giving him the sweetness he was deprived of.
"If you're drunk on life babe, I think it's great. But while in this world, I think I'll take my whiskey neat"
Drowning himself in alcohol, a trait Simon promised himself he wouldn't ever do when he was young, setting his glass down with a small thud from the wooden table. But what would the kid version of him know about life. He didn't have healthier options of coping with what seems to be his dilemma.
But then there you were, sweet little thing coming home at the late hour in that skimpy dress of yours. Revealing too much to the eyes of those who wish to have you for themselves with just one look. Where did you go that night?
"My coffee black in my bed at three, you're too sweet for me"
Desperately trying to keep himself awake and at bay from his thoughts of you. Drowning himself in now two cups of straight black coffee to help him focus.
It was odd, you got used to the scent, was strong with a lack of sweetness but it calmed you down knowing he was around.
How he'd corrupt you, he wanted to shatter that rose tinted glasses of yours to save you from himself because being with him would change you. Selfish but he doesn't want that, you were utter perfection..
Simon further delved into his feelings, what the fuck was wrong with him?
"I aim low. I aim true, and the ground's where I go. I work late where I'm free from the phone and the job gets done"
Grumbling, Simon walks back into the apartment in the middle of the night. You heard a thud, you come out of your bedroom, yawing from you incomplete sleep.
"Si..? Are you hurt? What happened?" You asked in a soft tone, careful not to agitate someone would could possibly be pissed off.
Simon stays silent, glaring at you as his eyes was only thing visible because of his balaclava. Your soft gaze intimidated him, because why would he feel that squeeze in his heart?
"But you worry some, I know but who wants to live forever, babe? You treat your mouth as if it's Heaven's gate. The rest of you like you're the TSA, I wish I could go along Babe, don't get me wrong..."
The only thing Simon heard was a sigh from you and nothing more, you walk up to him, each footstep feeling louder than that last.
Something Simon didn't expect you to do was wrap you arms around his waist, tiny thing you are that your head only goes up to his chest. Your body against his, basking in the warmth in contrast to the cold weather he had to deal with coming home.
"You know you're bright as the morning, as soft as the rain, pretty as a vine, as sweet as a grape. If you can sit in a barrel maybe I'll wait, until that day.."
You took care of him that night, to his reluctance and stubbornness. Despite refusing, he had no choice, he wouldn't want a soft thing like you on his ear the whole night till he agrees. You were persuasive in your own irritating way.
Sitting on the edge of the tub of the warm bath he's in, washcloth in hand. Touch was so gentle, why was it so soft? Why's it so warm? "It's the water you fucking idiot" his subconscious screaming at him. In denial.
Why is his heart beating so fast..? He wants to stab it to stop the feeling..
"I'd rather take my whiskey neat, my coffee black and my bed at three. You're too sweet for me"
Using both your hands this time around, one gently holding his chin with your fingers while the other wiping away at the eyeblack he had. Every scar on his face felt the graze of your finger.
The slow blinks, your eyes on his. Before any conscious thoughts consume Simon, he lifts his arms from the warm water and wraps them around you.
Your nightgown was now damp but you couldn't care less, now with the man you were pinning over, foreheads against the other.
"Si.." you softly whisper. That nickname will be the death of him, you'll be the death of him. He crashes his lips on yours, not wanting to let go till you both were panting. You were too fucking sweet, your lips, your skin, everything. He wanted a taste and he got it...
"My lover's got humor, she's the giggle at a funeral. Knows everybody's disapproval, I should've worshiped her sooner"
Another sleepless night wasn't uncommon for someone like Simon.. however this aching feeling wasn't, he doesn't know where it's from or what it's about. Not until he heard you in the kitchen, letting out a giggle even though you knew better.
"If the Heavens ever did speak, She's the last true mouthpiece. Every Sunday's getting more bleak. A fresh poison each week "We were born sick"
That sweet fucking voice, like the angels speaking to him themselves. "Oh- I'm sorry Si, did I wake you up?" You asked, turning around to the sound of his footsteps.
That tiny nightdress of yours, a reminder of the night you spent together, that morning you slept in his bed.
Lashes beautifully displayed on the delicate skin of your under eyes. Soft noises while your chest was peacefully moving up and down with every breath.
"She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom". The only Heaven I'll be sent to, is when I'm alone with you I was born sick, but I love it Command me to be well. A, Amen, Amen, Amen"
"Simon.. Ahh~" you moan out softly, your body writhing underneath him. It felt hot, sweaty despite the well ventilated room, so intimate from something that was supposed to be the farthest thing from domestic.
"Shhh, you can take it sunshine.. You don't want the neighbors to hear us, do you?" Simon whispers, callous hand covering your mouth with as little pressure possible, you whimper at his words.
Closing your eyes to lose yourself in the pleasure you've never felt before. Your body being worshiped with gentle hands and soft kisses that leave marks by the very same man who kept distancing himself from you, now he'd stop at nothing for your pleasure.
"Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life."
"Simon.. no more–" you whined. Scratching his back hard enough to leave marks without being aware, he'd always imagine what those pretty pink nails could do to him.
"Just one more, please sunshine.. you remember our safe word right?" Simon asks for you to nod softly, you didn't have energy to take anymore. "I told you I'll make you feel good, didn't I? So be a good girl for me and take it, hmm?"
Your eyes roll back at his praise, your legs shake with one after another wave of pleasure running through your body. This man was starved.. insatiable.. who would be able to resist such a request? Not you.
"If I'm a pagan of the good times, my lover's the sunlight to keep the Goddess on my side. She demands a sacrifice, drain the whole sea, get something shiny"
It took everything in Simon not to worship the ground you walked on that night, he wasn't trying very hard, was he? Because always.. at the end of the night, you're in his bed, his mind, his life.
Was it really a sin? To want something you don't deserve? Simon stayed up that whole night, not a wink of sleep while thinking of whether this arrangement should continue. Every bone and organ in his body telling him to be selfish, take what was something that wasn't his to take.
"Something meaty for the main course, that's a fine looking high horse. What you got in the stable? We've a lot of starving faithful that looks tasty, that looks plenty, this is hungry work"
Simon's gaze, never faltering on your sleeping figure that he refuses to go anywhere but his own arms. He tries to close his eye to compose himself, free himself from the emotions you emit from him.
His efforts were to no use, all he saw was the image of you, sweetly smiling, those doe eye staring right through his soul.
"No masters or kings when the ritual begins. There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin In the madness, in the soil of that sad earthly scene. Only then I am human, only then I am clean"
You were getting too close for your own good, Simon knew that, he'll be damned if he let's himself hurt you. So he does what any stupid man would do, avoid you like the plague. Did it mean nothing? Were you just some fling, never to be talked about again?
Fuck you Simon Riley, he made you feel loved in bed like no man ever has or ever will, completely ruining your chance of ever thinking of anything else and that was just a hook-up session? Maybe this one time you can let yourself be delusional, was there really something more? Only one way to find out.
"Oh, oh, Amen, Amen, Amen, Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life"
You caught him, fucking finally, after days of waiting and trying to get him at the perfect time. "Si.." you whispered softly, you didn't know where to start. He took a quick glance at you before looking back at what he was doing.
"Simon Riley, don't fucking ignore me. Not after everything that happened those nights" You said, it was stern but he needed to hear it. It made him stop, think about what had happened.
Before he could generate a response, "Why?" You asked. It was a vague question, why was he ignoring you? Why does he feel this way? Why does he love you yet refuse to act on it?
"Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life.."
"You don't deserve a man like me, you deserve one who is like you, optimistic, sweet, fucking beautiful and alive.. A man who's not damaged, scarred, has blood on his hands and haunted by his past. A man who's not afraid to show his love for you. A man who won't put his burdens on your shoulders and a man who will take care of you instead of the other way around. That's what you deserve and I can't give that"
Everything felt like it came to a stop, were you hearing that right?
"You have no idea how much you contradict yourself, Si. How are you so sure that you haven't given those things to me already? You might not be like me but "like me" isn't what I want.. I want you, every flaw, every beautiful scar. Not once before your silent treatment have you hurt me, it's frustrating yes, but you are worthy of that. Every struggle, frustration and mistake, every bit of your love is worth all of that. I want you to see that Si, your actual true worth rather than what some psychotic fucker decided to torture you with"
"Boys, workin' on empty. Is that the kinda way to face the burning heat? I just think about my baby, I'm so full of love I could barely eat"
"Si?"
"Yes, Sunshine?"
"I love you" You whispered after smothering him in a plethora of kisses. Never has anything made Simon melt more in his life than his wife say that. Doesn't matter how long it's been, how much the both of you have been through or how much frustration the both of you were going through..
It will always stay the same, the feeling those three words give him, like the first time, every moment feels that way. Familiar, finally.. Home.
"There's nothing sweeter than my baby I'd never want once from the cherry tree. 'Cause my baby's sweet as can be, she give me toothaches just from kissin' me"
He always thought about how unfaithfulness was such a struggle between some people, he thought about how good he has it constantly, reflecting back on what he used to have to how now this is something he never thought he'd have or deserve.
"When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold, dark earth. No grave can hold my body down, I'll crawl home to her"
When a man finds himself in the verge of embracing death's arms, what causes the struggle? What causes him to fight that pain, to keep on going? Not once has this crossed Ghost's mind.
No. He's not Ghost, he's Simon. Your Simon.
And you're expecting your Simon home, fuck everything else, he'll give the biggest "fuck you" to death itself and crawl home to you because he'll be damned and he'll experience everything he has in his life over and over again just to hold you again.
"Boys, when my baby found me I was three days on a drunken sin, I woke with her walls around me. Nothin' in her room but an empty crib and I was burnin' up a fever I didn't care much how long I lived, but I swear I thought I dreamed her. She never asked me once about the wrong I did."
It should matter, the amount of blood on his hands. Not once did you judge him for it, what the fuck was wrong with you? Giving a monster such as him a bath like he was some innocent stray kitten, although this time around it was far more messy. The dried blood caked underneath his finger nails.
Flashing him a tired smile while you wiped off the blood that made the water in the tub a hue of brownish-red. Taking your hand in his, his lips brushing against your knuckles. The way you looked at him was enough to make him cry.
"When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold, dark earth. No grave can hold my body down, I'll crawl home to her"
"Fucking get up" Simon repeats to himself, "She needs you, she loves you" despite how many times he's convinced himself you didn't due to the voice of his father in his head, it felt like a knife twisting in his heart imagining how it would be for you without him.
How much you cried the night he came home a day later, you told him yourself, practically sobbing while clutching your aching chest and him with your other arm how you weren't ready for Price to show up at your doorsteps holding Simon's belongings.
He won't let that happen.. he can't...
"My babe would never fret none, about what my hands and my body done. If the Lord don't forgive me, I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me"
Simon knew it, no one would ever love him like you do. No one would show him the same acceptance, devotion, care, concern and love. It wasn't healthy to be so attached dependently to someone in love.
He couldn't help it, it felt so right, everything with you did. Never a judgmental one, at least towards him. Always first to hold him, the first to ever take away the heavy guilt that weighed his heart and shoulders down after he'd done something he knows he'll go to hell for, if it's even real
"When I was kissing on my baby and she put her love down soft and sweet In the low lamplight I was free. Heaven and hell were words to me"
Every inch was kissed, not a part wasn't worshiped. "So fuckin' beautiful, so sweet. All for me, hmm?" Simon mumbled against your skin, suckling on the soft sweetness that he so claims. All hickeys, no bruises.
Fuck, he'd not just survive but thrive on just you. No other sustenance, your supple thighs he adores to cover in purple, your neck, your lips and your skin that he often compares to sugar syrup in his head.
"When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold, dark earth. No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her"
The question was, was it worth it to live an eternity of lifetimes filled with suffer to be with you in at least once? The only answer to ever graze Simon Riley's lips was the word "yes", the day that changes is the day that he'd be the biggest bull-shiter the world has ever known.
Simon opened the door to your shared home, "Daddy!" A loud squeal wakes him up from his dread of what he's seen on the field.
"How's my little sunshine been? 'Ave you been good to your momma while I was gone?" Simon asked, carrying the little girl in his arms.
"Yes! Momma said we'd go to the park tomorrow as a reward for me helping out!" Little one saying it so proudly, Simon couldn't help but smile, beaming with pride as his little girl grows up to be what he recognizes as a good person.
"Simon..? You're finally home, I missed you so much" You said, peeking out the laundry room. You walked out, quick to give him a peck on the lips.
"I love you Si.."
"I love you too Sunshine"
Also this is a very long fic.. I expect long feedback.. @connorsui 👀
Does this make sense? Idk anymore it's like almost midnight and I'm running on a few hours of sleep. GOD MY PROM DRESS LOOKS SO GOOD, I CAN'T WAIT.
Taglist: @wishesforyou @puff0o0 @simping4konig @simp4konig @blingblong55 @azereus @rustic-guitar-notes @shadofireshinobi @thelightdjinnofpalestine @09maruchan @anonymuslydumb @skeletalgoats @icarustypicalfall @ghosts-cyphera @fawnchives @connorsui @capuccino192 @miss-gms-and-the-rotten-womb @celestialhole @the-second-sage @starryylies @everlastingmoonlightsworld @keiva1000 @iexiam @drewsmusee @konigceo
Trying out new dividers as well by @anitalenia
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squoxle · 4 months
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“Fuck Him, Let’s Play” ~ Felix ff 18+
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👾pairing: Lee Felix!bf x Reader!gf | 👾wc: 1.7k | 👾summary: All you wanted to do was spend some time with your boyfriend, Felix. But when your little "Netflix and Chill" session is interrupted by his best friend, Chan, you must find another way to get what you came here for. No matter what. |👾cw: profanity, swearing, alcohol consumption, drunk sex, oral m. receiving, fingering f., creampie, facial, voyeurism, exhibitionism (basically porn with a plot: read at your own discretion)
link to part 2
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You were over at your boyfriend Felix's house to spend some time with him. What you didn't expect was for him to be whisked away by his best friend Chan for an all night gaming session.
You sat idly on Felix’s bed as the two of the tapped away. You watched for a little while before you couldn’t take it anymore. You tried entertaining yourself on your phone but it was useless. You came over for your boyfriend not your phone.
“Felix~” you whined.
“Yeah, babe. What’s up?” He said with his eyes still fixed on the screen.
“How much longer are you gonna play the game?” You pouted.
“Uhhh…this’ll be the last game okay,” he said before getting back into the game.
You only sighed in response this was the third time he said that. He and Chan had been gaming for almost 3 hours straight now without a break. Unless you count pausing to laugh or change the game.
You were so annoyed by Chan right now. Most of the time you didn’t mind him being around, but he literally barged in.
Before he came over, you and Felix were laying on the couch together getting ready to watch a movie. You both knew that the movie was gonna end up watching itself after a while. But all sexy, freaky, horny thoughts went straight out the window as soon as you heard that knock on the door.
Chan had a special little knock. You immediately knew it was him before your boyfriend even got up to open the door.
“Hey bro!” Chan smiled as he walked in, dapping Felix up.
“Hey, what are you doing here? I told you to come over tomorrow,” Felix said as he ruffled his hair.
“Yeah, I know. But I need to take my mind off of a situation,” Chan raised an eyebrow.
“Situation?”
“Yeah. Remember that girl I was telling you about?”
“Yeah. What about her?”
“Well, today I met her boyfriend.”
“No way…” Felix’s jaw dropped.
“Way. And then she was all like ‘Why are you getting so upset bro? We’re just friends.’ I felt like such an idiot standing there. I couldn’t even hang around anymore. So I cooled off and came over here.”
“Damn. That’s insane. I’m surprised she never mentioned anything about him.”
“Exactly! I mean she could’ve at least told me that. Then I wouldn’t gotten myself so hung up on her y’know.”
“Yeah, bro. I get it,” Felix said placing a hand on Chan’s shoulder. "I think I know exactly what you need right now," Felix smiled.
"To get completely wasted and game till I pass out?" Chan tilted his head.
"You got it," Felix chuckled before walking over to you.
You were still sitting on the couch wrapped up in Sonic the Hedgehog blanket. Before he said a single word, you already knew what was coming next.
"Raincheck?" He smiled nervously. "I'm really sorry, babe, but this is kind of an emergency. I promise I'll make it up to you," he said before placing a kiss on your forehead. "Just a few games, okay. And then we can spend the whole night together."
"Go ahead," you sighed before following him to his bedroom and plopping yourself on the bed. And that's exactly where you've been this whole time.
Since talking to him wasn't working, you needed to try something else. You were desperate, and at this point, you were willing to do whatever to get what you wanted.
You climbed out of bed and walked over to sit on Felix's lap while he played the game. As expected, he happily allowed you to sit between his legs.
His chin rested on your shoulder as he continued gaming, ignoring you as if you didn't even exist.
It was time for the second part of your plan, casually turn him on to get him in the mood. "God, I hope this works," you thought to yourself as you began to slowly move your ass around on his lap.
He sat back at bit, assuming you were trying to get comfortable. That was until you started to do an up and down movement. Almost bouncing, but not quite. Chan was still sitting next to him and you didn't want to divert too much attention to yourself.
"Ngh," Felix grunted as you reached between your legs to graze his dick through his sweatpants with your fingers. "What are you doing?" he whispered to which you only mischievously smiled in response.
Felix wasn't pissy drunk yet, but he was getting there. And you knew once that happened, you could do almost anything to him. Chan on the other hand was a lot drunker than Felix.
Chan reached for the beer bottle that sat on the dresser before tipping his head back to catch the last drop on his tongue.
"Damn...I'm all out," he said looking at the empty bottle. "Did you want me to get you another?" Chan asked as he stood up.
"Ummm, sure. But they're none left in the fridge. You'll have to go out to my car and get the other case," Felix hiccuped as he guided you off of his lap. "Wait. Lemme get the keys for you," His words were slightly slurred together.
You watched as he staggered over to the closet to grab his car keys out of his jacket pocket. "Here ya go, mate," he said placing the keys in Chan's hands.
Felix plopped back down in the chair as Chan left the room. You were standing up near the TV, but instead of sitting back down on his lap, you crawled between his legs.
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You took both of your hands and pressed them up against Felix's semi-hard-on. He was staring at the ceiling until you did that. "Woah, babe. What are you doing?" he said as his eyes widened.
"I'm doing exactly what I came over here to do. Have a little fun with my boyfriend," you smirked as you reached into his pants and pulled out his dick.
"Babe, we can't do this right now. Chan's still here. Can you please wait just a little bit longer?" he pleaded.
"Uh uh. I've waited long enough. I want it right now," you pouted before spitting on his tip and wrapping your lips around him.
He threw his head back as you began sucking on his tip. You bobbed your head up and down as your boyfriend gripped onto the arm rests.
"Mmm," he moaned softly as you looked up to meet his eyes. You knew that nothing turned your boyfriend on more than the lustful way you looked at him while sucking his dick.
"Hey, I got the drinks--" Chan stopped in the door frame as he came in to see you sucking his friend off.
"Oh shit!" Felix immediately snapped out of the seductive trance you had put him in and tried to cover himself.
"Umm...should I go?" Chan asked as both of you looked at him standing there in shock.
"Uhhh...I...umm" Felix stammered as his eyes darted back and forth between you and Chan.
"You guys can keep playing the game. I don't mind," you shrugged.
"What? Are you sure?" Chan asked while Felix sat speechless in the chair.
"Yeah. You two can play the game while I have fun down here," you smiled.
"Seriously?" Felix gasped.
"Yeah," you giggled.
"Umm...okay," Felix stuttered as Chan came over to sit next to him while you got back to sucking his dick.
You stroked up and down on his dick as he tried to stay focused on the game in front of him. However, you felt another set of eyes on you. It was Chan, he was almost drolling while he watched you suck his friend off. You looked down to see the growing bulge in his pants.
"Dude! What the fuck? This is my girlfriend," Felix spat as he caught Chan getting turned on by you. "Look, babe. We're gonna have to do this later. I don't wanna see my friend drooling over you right in front of me."
"Sorry, man it's just--"
"Fuck him, let's play," you said cutting Chan off as you started sucking your boyfriend's throbbing dick again. Before he could even argue with you, you moaned with his cock in your mouth. The vibrations from your throat were just what you needed to distract him.
You pushed your head down trying to fit as much of him in your mouth as possible.
"It's okay just this one time baby," you cooed as Felix nodded in response.
You caught Chan palming himself in your peripheral vision. Noticing that you were also getting him turned on, you really began performing. You started to suck harder and faster as you reached your hand between your legs to finger yourself.
Chan pulled out his dick and began stroking it up and down as he watched you sucking dick while moaning and fingering yourself.
You sat back to suck the wetness from your fingers before wrapping your lips around Felix's dick again. You could feel him getting more turned on as he pushed your head down and grunted loudly while he fucked your throat.
You could feel every inch pumping in and out of your throat. Every so often he would pull back to allow you to get some air, but at this point, he was using your throat like his own personal fleshlight.
"Keep playing with that perfect little pussy of yours," Felix groaned as your head bobbed up and down. Your body quivered as you were nearly about to cum.
Felix watched as your face contorted and pulled his dick out of your mouth as you came all over your finger. Your moans were so sexy that Chan nearly got off at that very moment.
Felix aggressively grabbed your head and forced it down as he filled your throat with his cum. He noticed that Chan was getting close too and motioned him to move closer to you.
It wasn't long before Chan came all over your face, streams of white fluids ran down your neck as he finished.
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❀ Thank you all so much for reading! Make sure to check out other works on my masterlist!
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❀ 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @chlorinecake @nikisdubblchococake @addictedtohobi @parkjonseongswife @hynjinnn1 @hoyeonheeseung @cas104 @doseoflily @skzenhalove @neoteez01 @fics-jillian-liked @skzfelixlove @hyunjinswifeee @urfavberry @ihrtlix @emily1310universe-blog @tiddiesbruhposts @stay-berry @cherry8183 @hyunjinslovebott @ta3baee @skz-lover21 @skztalkersworld @hyunjinnie2000 @hyunjinswifeyy @luvyblossom @th3-g1rl-y0u-10v3 @bratty-tingz @hyunhoeee @xxstrayland @linovely @tinynana26 @skzblogworld @queenmea604 @yuknows @s-h-y-a @lixiebokie @straykids-is-love @felixs-voice-makes-me-wanna @yoongis-suga-bear
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bluecollarmcandtf · 4 months
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My Son Came Home just the Other Day...
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...and I just had to tell him how proud I was! My boy had become a strong young man! I'd been bragging to everyone I knew that my son, Private Joel Bishop, had made it through basic training and was on the way home to see his good old dad! I never knew being a father would bring me such joy, but here I am.
I slapped Joel on the back approvingly and discreetly wiped my eye. Things were getting too 'touchy-feely' for my taste, and we still had a whole night of celebration ahead of us.
"That means a lot, dad," he grinned as I pulled away, "but you deserve the credit. Should I grab some cold ones so we can catch up?"
I smiled, enjoying the humility and respect I had instilled in my son's character. He more than deserved the reward I had planned: dinner an expensive steakhouse and a box of premium cigars. I threw a hand on his shoulder and opened my mouth to reveal the surprise!
Instead, the words, "Son I need to introduce you to our new neighbor," came out of my mouth: definitely not what I intended.
That seemed strange. I surely hadn't meant to say that; however, when I thought about it, I did seem to remember something the neighbor had mentioned yesterday. Maybe I had promised to introduce my son to him. It must have been a good idea, if I was suggesting it. I would have to hurry though because our reservation was soon, and I couldn't wait to see the look on Joel's face when he found out what I had planned!
"Uh, sure," Joel answered, waiting for an explanation, "Who is it?"
"He's a great man!" I instantly shouted, feeling overwhelmingly defensive about the newcomer. I wasn't sure why I felt that way because I could barely even remember the guy.
Joel flinched at my sudden outburst, but I brushed it off and led him out the back door. My son followed me through the gate and into the backyard of our next door neighbor. Somehow, I knew I was only supposed to enter from the back door. My hand dug into a nearby planting pot and found a spare key. I'm not exactly sure how I knew that was there, but I shrugged it off and unlocked the door.
Joel didn't question me, but he seemed mildly annoyed. I'm glad he didn't ask what I was doing because I had no clue! My body marched on autopilot down a short hallway and parked in the middle of a living room. Our neighbor seemed to be busy napping on his couch. My cheeks flushed when I realized I had just walked in on the man sleeping.
"Excuse me sir," my voice suddenly rang out loudly, "My son Joel is back from the army."
Joel glared at me in confusion, "Dad what-"
"Shut it, kid," the man on the couch snapped awake and stretched, "Come stand quietly in front of me so I can get a good look at you."
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Joel's mouth shut tight at the man's request. He marched up to our neighbor and stood at attention. There was something strangely automatic about his movements, like they were choreographed ahead of time. I suppose this is just how they learn to act in the army.
"Hmm, yes," the neighbor purred from the couch, "You're sexier than your dad described."
My jaw clenched and my fists tightened! Why the hell was this guy making those kinds of comments about my son! I had never spoken with this weirdo, and I had certainly never described my son in that way!
If this guy wasn't careful, he was going to get a fight! I would of course stand and wait like a dumb bitch until I was dismissed, but once I was, I'd let him know! For now, I'll just try and contain myself.
"Why so red-faced," he turned a haughty look to me, "You remember our conversation yesterday, right Mr. Bitch?"
Suddenly, my memory flooded back. Of course I remembered! I'd popped by our new neighbor's house to introduce myself. He had invited me in and we'd gotten talking. I had bragged about how my parenting had yielded the perfect son. Our neighbor had then launched into a long and boring lecture.
My neighbor pointed out that I'd been pronouncing my surname wrong all these years! I'm a total idiot! It's 'Bitch' not 'Bishop!' He'd also changed my plans on how to celebrate my son's homecoming.
"Of, course I remember," I gasped dumbly as it all flooded back, "Sorry, sir. As you know, I can be a bit of a dumb bitch."
"Everyone knows that, old man. Do you even remember what you have to do whenever you enter my house?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, sir," I replied as the instructions came back to me, "I am to go to the bathroom, stick my head in the toilet, and flush it seven times."
"That's it! And don't forget to keep your mouth open when it flushes, you old fart" he cracked up and laughed at me.
I nodded and left my son with our new neighbor, reporting to the bathroom like I was supposed to. Sticking my face in his skid marked toilet was the worst part about coming over. How could I have forgotten something like that? Without hesitating, I dropped to the floor and dipped below the toilet water, keeping my jaw locked open like he had suggested. I blindly found the handle and flushed the first wave over my head.
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"All done, sir!" I called loudly, feeling compelled to announce my achievement.
Everything above my neck has been thoroughly soaked by the swirly, and it was quickly dripping down my clothes. My favorite shirt was now drenched! I wanted badly to dry off with the towel nearby, but I somehow knew that I was supposed to leave the toilet water on me instead.
Trudging back into the living room, I tried to prevent puddles by soaking the dripping water into my clothes, but it didn't work very well.
"Joel? What are you doing, son?" I blurted when I found him on his hands and knees.
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Joel gazed up at me with a bizarre look on his face. It was as if he didn't even understand what he was doing down on the floor. His eyes seemed unfocused, like they weren't really seeing what was going on around him.
Nevertheless, he glanced over his shoulder at our new neighbor. It was like he was looking for guidance. My eyes followed his and we both found ourselves looking to the stranger for what to do next.
"Go on, boy," our neighbor chided, "Tell Mr. Bitch how you feel."
"Please," I straightened up, "Just call me Bitch. We're all friends here." I didn't care if a puddle was pooling at my feet. My son clearly had something important to say to me.
"Ok, Daddy," Joel blankly answered the guy on the couch. Then he turned an empty gaze to me, "Bitch, I'm moving out of your house. I want to live with our new neighbor. I want to be his slave boy and serve him any way I can."
I felt compelled to agree. I almost told him I was happy for him, but something felt off. Something had been gnawing at the back of my head ever since my son had gotten home. This wasn't how our night was supposed to go. My son and I were supposed to be enjoying steaks and cigars right now!
I shook my head a little. Beads of water flew from my hair, and I couldn't shake how wrong I had been acting. Why had I just given myself a swirly? And why was my son making such delusional statements?
"Woah, there big guy," our creepy next door neighbor hushed, "You're thinking too hard. You remember what you like to do when you think too hard right, Bitch?"
I breathed a sigh of relief out of my chest my chest when I remembered, "Yes, sir. I like to shove your leftovers down my pants when I'm thinking to hard."
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Without another thought, I strolled into the kitchen and yanked the fridge open with a numb arm. A euphoric sense of relaxation washed over me when I saw a container of leftover spaghetti. Before I knew what I was doing, my hands had popped the lid off and fished the noodles and red sauce down the inside of my dress slacks. Once the container was empty, I zipped up my pants like nothing had happened and returned to the living room.
"Feeling better, Bitch?" my neighbor asked.
My glassy eyes noticed my son crouched by the feet of our neighbor. Joel was busy cleaning the guy's shoes, and I couldn't be more happy. So what if this is what he wanted to do with his life? He could become our neighbor's sex slave for all I cared. It's not like I cared about the kid. If he really had a chance to serve a man as great as our neighbor, then who cares about serving our country!
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"Yeaah..." I moaned lightly.
"You like my homemade spaghetti?" the neighbor chuckled meanly.
"Yeeaaah..." my voice came out drawn, "It feels really cold..."
"Man, you are a gross bitch, but I programmed you to fall deeper every time you humiliate yourself for me. Do you what I'm going to have you do next?"
"Nooo..."
"You're going to make your reservation at that restaurant," he looked me up and down, "And you'll go in those clothes you've soiled. Get drunk off your ass, alright Bitch? I want you to make a complete fool out of yourself."
I'd already turned to follow his orders when he turned back to my son, "I'm gonna play with little soldier boy here. Maybe I'll pass him around to my buddies so they can give him a try..."
I didn't hear what else was in store for Joel. I wasn't too bothered by my son. I'm sure he'd be able to make our neighbor happy. I was just excited to go to the steak house and start humiliating myself...
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humansofnewyork · 11 months
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“I was making adults cry, with my voice. At the age of six. Everyone recognized my talent. And that’s when I began to tell myself a story: ‘You’re just as good as anyone else, or even better. You deserve everything you want.’ It was a bit egotistical. But it was the story I needed back then. I needed a story to make me feel enthusiastic, to make me fight. I came to the city at the age of 22; it was a perfect time to be in the New York City jazz scene. I got to sing on stage with Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Williams, Betty Carter. I ended up falling in love with another jazz singer. We became a duet, had some success, raised our children on the road. But then we fell apart, and so did our careers. I was never able to build it back to what it had been. Now I’m watching my kids succeed more than me. It makes me feel like I did my job as a mother: I was able to pass down everything I know. But it can be painful, too. Because they’re doing everything I desired most: they’re on stage, sharing their talents, being recognized. There’s a voice inside me that says: ‘You deserve that too. There’s still time. You can still do that.’ But that’s not the story I need to tell myself anymore. I don’t need a story to help me fight. I need a story to help me feel good in the moment. There’s this more mature part of me that says: Relax. You did a good job. You did a lot of stuff. The earth life only offers so many types of experiences. And I got to play so many parts: I got to be a singer, yes. But also the faithful daughter, the free-spirited girl who went off to explore the world, the pot-smoking hippie, the wild woman, the fool, the lover, the wife, the scorned woman, and the giving mother. Now I feel like I’m getting back to the Kim I was when I was five, before the story began: joking around, singing to my cat, singing to people on the street. Being happy for everyone else. Not worrying about getting ahead. Believing everything is going to work out. And that I’m exactly where I was always supposed to be.”
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joedirtymadre · 21 days
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How bout an angst and fluffy Luffy x reader? Like, he's trying his best to be a good boyfriend but he doesn't know exactly how do it. So he gets insecure and afraid of reader leaving him
The Painting
LUFFY X READER! ANGST + FLUFF! (STILL ACCEPTING REQUESTS! SEND EM RN! 😤😤)
You were peacefully working on a new painting. You had a strong passion for art, but recently you have decided to pick up painting again. Plus, today is a slow day on the ship, so why not? You hummed to yourself, as you continued to add the finishing touches to your work. “Wow, you really outdid yourself this time,” you smiled to yourself as you took a moment to look at your canvas. It was a portrait of the whole crew, you wanted to surprise everyone at dinner with it. You spent the last few weeks on it too, so I’m sure that they’ve been waiting for the reveal.
You then heard your door open and saw Luffy. “Hey Luffy,” you smiled. “Hi (Y/N)! Hey can I hide here? I’m playing hide and seek with Usopp and Chopper,” he explained as he ran over and gave you a quick peck on the cheek. “Sure, but please don’t tip over my supplies. Last time you made a mess I spent 2 weeks cleaning it up,” you sighed. “I promise!” He said as he quickly jumped into your supply closet.
You continued your artwork, until you were disrupted again. You heard a small knock on the door and soon Chopper opened the door. “Hi Chopper, what brings you here?” You asked. “Hi (Y/N)! Have you seen Luffy?” He asked. “Hmmm… I haven’t sorry,” you smiled. “Hmmm… well can I look around your office? Just in case,” he said. “Go ahead,” you said as you continued painting.
Chopper checked under the table, in your art boxes, and was now heading to your closet. You lightly giggled as you knew your boyfriend was about to get caught. Chopper quickly opened the closet door, and out jumped Luffy. He began running around the small office, “Hey Luffy, this isn’t tag!” Chopper shouted as he chased him. “Now it is!” He yelled, as they circled around you. “Luffy be care-“ you were cut off by Luffy running into you. You fell straight into your paint, easel, and most importantly your painting.
The two boys quickly stopped and stared as you slowly picked yourself up and stared at the destroyed painting. Smudged and ripped, even your easel broke. “(Y-Y/N) I-“ you ran out before you could hear another word from your stupid boyfriend.
Luffy’s POV
I watched as (Y/N) ran off, I tried to chase after her but Chopper blocked me. “Wait! I think she should be alone right now Luffy, she might say something she doesn’t mean because of how she’s feeling. So, just give her some space,” he explained. “But I have to tell her I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to play,” I explained. “I know, but we messed up. Really bad, and she needs time to herself right now,” Chopper said. I grabbed my head in frustration.
I looked over to the destroyed painting and realized it was a painting of all of us. “This is what she’s been working on for weeks,” I said softly. “Oh no, and we ruined it!” Chopper cried. “No, I ruined it. I always ruin things for her,” I said as I picked up the painting. “That’s not true, she loves you Luffy,” Chopper said. I shook my head, “She deals with me, I keep doing dumb things and it always ends with me hurting her or breaking her stuff,” I sighed as I placed the canvas on her table.
“It’s ok Luffy, if she didn’t love you she wouldn’t be with you. Right?” Chopper asked. “I guess,” I said. “I’m gonna go check on her,” Chopper said before running out of the room. I sat on her stool and stared at the mess I made. “Why do I keep messing things up? Maybe… I should leave her alone, then she wouldn’t have to deal with me. She could tell me to leave her alone if we weren’t dating, like Nami,” I said to myself.
I dragged myself to the deck and straight to my spot, to try and think. “Hey Luffy,” Nami said as she sat on her beach chair. “Hey…” I said softly as I continued to drag myself. “What’s wrong? Did (Y/N) kick you out of her art room?” She laughed. “No,” I moped. “Woah, then what’s wrong? Here come take a seat,” she said as she pointed to the other beach chair.
I told her the whole story and ended up with 4 bumps on my head. “You idiot! How could you do that to her?” Nami frowned. “I know… Nami… has she ever talked about how much I mess up around her?” I asked. “(Y/N)? No, not really. She just tells me how fun and cute you are,” she explained. “Really? Even that time I broke her clay pot?” I asked. “Oh man, she was so mad that day, but no… Now that I think about it she didn’t talk bad about you,” Nami said. “What about the time I accidentally squeezed her paint tube too hard and it got all over her face?” I asked. “Nope, nothing,” she said. “Or when I dropped-“ I was cut off.
“Ok I get it, you’ve done a lot of bad things. But she’s never talked bad about you, I think she knows that mistakes happen… especially around you,” Nami pointed out. “But I really messed up this time, what if she wants to break up. She should break up with me… I keep making her mad or sad,” I sighed as I fell back into the chair. “Or… you could make it up to her. Come on captain, you’ve fought warlords and admirals. I’m sure you can fix this problem and make your girlfriend a little less mad at you,” she said. “You’re right! I can try and fix it!” I said excitedly. “But I’m gonna need help,” I said, determined.
Your POV
You’ve been in bed for the last 6 hours. Chopper and Nami checked up on you, but you had no strength to get up. You just need some time to calm down. Suddenly a knock on your door, you didn’t respond, hoping the person on the other side would think you’re asleep. However, the door slowly opened. You saw your idiot captain peek inside, “(Y/N)?” He called out.
“Go away Luffy, I don’t feel good right now,” you said as you turned around, showing your back to him. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, really sorry… I know you’re really mad at me, but I wanted to make it up to you,” he said as he stepped close. “How?” You asked. “Can I show you?” He asked, placing a hand on your shoulder. You slowly turned around, seeing a distressed look on your usually careless boyfriend. “Sure,” you said calmly before getting up.
“But I need you to wear this,” he said, handing you a blindfold. You stared at it with one eyebrow raised. “Please?” He asked. You nodded and quickly put it over your eyes, you then felt a warm hand grab yours. “Alright hold on,” you heard, before being picked up in bridal style. “L-Luffy?” You asked, feeling your face heat up. “Well, I don’t want you to trip while being blindfolded, so I’ll just carry you,” he explained.
You then laid in his arms as he carried you to wherever it was that he wanted to show you. “Alright, I’m gonna put you down now,” he said softly before helping you down onto your feet. “Alright now on 3, take off your blindfold,” he said as he stepped away from you. “Ok,” you said.
“1,2,3,” he said, and you quickly took off the blindfold. You gasped at the scene in front of you. It was your art room, clean and way more organized than it was before. Also, your easel was fixed with a bunch of more upgrades to it, and finally your eyes fell to the painting on the easel. “My painting!” You said excitedly. You smiled as you saw the rough strokes and the taped backing. It wasn’t perfect, but it was way better than how it looked earlier.
“Did you do all of this?” You turned to ask Luffy. “I had some help, but I wanted to fix what I messed up earlier,” he explained. You ran over and gave him a kiss, “Thank you Luffy! I’m so happy,” you smiled and hugged him. “You’re not still mad?” He asked nervously. “Mad?” You asked, confused. “Well… I always mess up your crafts or art projects, I know how upset it makes you,” he said as he stared at the floor. “Well I do get a bit upset, but I know you don’t mean it. I just give myself some time alone so I don’t say anything that I might regret later,” you explained. “Wow, Chopper was right,” he said.
“But I’m really sorry I messed up your painting, I know how hard you worked on it,” he said, before pulling you into a hug. “It’s ok, I forgive you. Just next time, no more games in my art room, ok?” You asked. “Deal,” he smiled. “Oh, I made you something,” he said, pulling away. “Huh?” You asked. He grabbed a small canvas from the table and turned to show you.
You pouted when you realized it was a portrait of you and him. “I know it’s not that good, but-“ you interrupted him. “It’s perfect! I’ll hang it up right now!” You said as you pulled him into a hug. “Really?” He said excitedly. “Yeah, and we should paint together sometime, you’re a natural,” you smiled, before giving him a kiss on the cheek. “You think so? I did have fun doing this,” he grinned. “Mhmm!” You nodded and you both went to hang his masterpiece on your wall.
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Transcript of Shelby's Video:
CW: Abuse
:readmore:
Hello! I don't know if you can even hear it, I put on, like, light jazz in the background because it seemed awkward being quiet, but I don't think you can hear it, so I'm just gonna turn it off. Um, hello! Um, welcome! We are in emote only because I'm just gonna be talking today, and then I'm gonna go! I'm gonna go!
Um, yeah, it was very, very low. There's, there's no need. I just, it felt weird leaving you in silence, but I'm here, so — Hello! Um, I want to talk about something today that, um, very nervous. I feel sweaty. I had a sweater on, I had to take it off. Um, I'm gonna try and just, I wrote down pretty much everything I think that I want to say to keep track of, sort of all the points that I want to make sure I don't forget anything. So I will be reading from something, um, a good portion of the time, but not 100 percent of the time. Um, and I just wanted to make sure I got all of my thoughts down in words ahead of time. I'm, I really like writing down my thoughts. So I did that.
Um, oh, hold on. Can I turn ads off? I think that maybe we turn ads off today. How do I make that happen for just today? Um. Shoulda had that already. I shoulda had that already. I actually don't even know how to make that happen. You know what? That's just gonna have to be that way. I'm so sorry.
Um. I'm all good. Um, yeah, okay. Today's just gonna be talking. Uh, I'm just gonna start reading from what I wrote, and go from there.
I have a really big coffee, I'm gonna take a swig. And I have my water, and I'm gonna take a swig of that.
I have always liked telling my different experiences that I've had, um, in dating because it feels important to me to share what I've learned and maybe help other people to not make the same mistakes that I have before. I'm 30. I've dated a lot. I've gone on a lot of dates. I keep trying, um, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history, uh, there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me, um, but that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly. Um, some people just weren't the right people.
Um, and speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now because silence has always brought me peace. And this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace. It's only keeping somebody else's peace. Um, and I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I'd never thought that could happen to me.
And so for me, this is important because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did. Um, or hopefully avoid a similar situation entirely. Because the, the truth is it was dangerous. Um, there were a lot of things wrong in this relationship that, um, I endured some pretty terrible treatment. Um, and I might touch on some things here and there about that. But, um, if I feel like it's important to the overall context. But what I want to stay focused on is this specific issue, um, and the things that happened matter-of-factly and the things that people saw and witnessed in our circle.
Um, it took me 10 months after to heal. And I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. Um, I tried somatic therapy. That one was actually really good for me. Um, because that one actually helped me release a lot of, um, built up anger I was having over the last year. Um, but the anger that I was feeling was for myself because, um, I felt like I should have known better.
I felt so stupid at myself for, um, sort of just staying through all of this. Um, and I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists and I was like "So, this thing happened ... and I wasn't really sure ... It just seems weird now to me looking back," and all of them told me exactly what was happening in the words that I was too afraid to use.
Um, and I was being hurt in my last relationship. And it took me all of that time to see it through that lens. Um, I even posted an anonymous story to Reddit that I have now deleted with an anonymous account. But in posting that, I found a dozen other stories that were exactly like mine, exactly the same way. Um, and all of the comments said exactly the same thing.
Um, and I was so mad at myself because I was lying to, um, at a certain point to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth, it'd make him look really bad. Um, I didn't think that I would cry and I practiced saying all of this and I didn't cry, but it's easier to practice it when no one is listening.
Um, but he always cared more about how it looked and that was really important, not what was true. Um, and it was really subtle. When I hear about, um, when I hear about physical abuse, I think of hitting. I think of hitting and punching, um, so I thought that this wasn't violent enough, um, to be abuse. Uh, I thought that it was just like a constant accident that he kept hurting me. Um, but he's not hitting me and it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me.
Uh, he had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had had this habit since he was a kid. And even his mom said that that was true. And he said it was just affectionate and that that might have been — I mean, I think that that might have been true, maybe, at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie, but that's just my personal opinion, um, and I had no problem with just biting, that isn't even the most uncommon thing, um, but he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag, um, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me. Which I thought was really weird considering he had never hurt me before. And so why would I call it abuse? And why was he thinking about that? And I thought he was being sweet, checking on me to make sure that I was still comfortable. Um, but of course I was because he hadn't hurt me. And why would I think he ever would?
Um, and then he did, for the first time, by accident, uh, and I don't specifically remember the actual first time that he bit me too hard by accident, because I didn't think that it would be significant, um, I thought that it would only happen once, and he started biting me more and more over a period of time, sort of throughout the whole relationship, and accidents of him biting too hard and really hurting me happened more and more frequently, um, but he always seemed genuinely sorry, and he decided that he didn't want to keep accidentally hurting me, um, so we were gonna use a safe word, um, so he could learn where my limit was, where my pain tolerance ended.
Uh, and saying that out loud now doesn't sound — Like, that's not very sound logic. Um, but at the time, I thought he cared about not hurting me. But in reality, it's like, why are you biting so hard? And why do you have to bite so hard? And it shouldn't be that hard of a problem to stop. Um, that shouldn't be that hard.
And he disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends to the point that he would do it in front of them. He thought it was this really funny story to tell and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain. Um, and then I have to laugh it off because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of all of our friends and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine, nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying. I was lying and it wasn't fine because I would go home later and I'd tell him how uncomfortable I was. How much I didn't like being hurt all the time and I needed him to really stop biting so hard. I didn't like it and I tried telling him over and over again because he wasn't actually trying at all to not hurt me, um, but he said he would try, at first, and then he started saying things like it was my pain tolerance that was too low, or I'm exaggerating how much it actually hurts. He's not even biting that hard. I'm, I'm being dramatic. Um, but his biting escalated to a point where I was covered in bruises all over my arms and they hurt and he would poke at them for fun. And he even felt so comfortable showing off my bruises that he had caused to our friends because he would bite me so hard by accident, "by accident." He would even joke that it looked like he abused me. Um, and eventually he did acknowledge how bad it looked that I was covered in bruises all the time. So he stopped, um, biting my arms as often. And he started biting my legs instead. Um, and it was in the last couple of months of the relationship that every time he bit me, it was until I needed to use this safe word. Um, it had become his benchmark for when to stop.
Only once I was definitely hurt, um, which meant I was being hurt every single day, um, multiple times a day, uh, for all of the days that we spent together in person. And when I asked him to stop again, this time he said, "This is who he is. He isn't going to change." Those were his words. And I remember a lot of, specifically his words about certain things, especially at the end.
Um, because I'm good at remembering words and especially his wording. I became really good at remembering because he was constantly contradicting himself. And I would notice, but most of the time it wasn't worth picking a fight over. And — But he would fight me on it sometimes 'cause I would po- I would point it out and, uh, he would insist that he had never said the thing that he said, he definitely did say. And then he would say something like, "How are you so sure you're remembering correctly? Why are you always right?" Um, and he definitely said the things that I heard him say and other people heard him say.
So, he had, now at this point, weaponized the safe word and was using it to ensure that I was hurt and on a constant basis. And he wasn't sorry anymore. Um, I couldn't even tell you the last time he had apologized for doing it anymore because now sometimes he would bite me and I would yell out the safe word because it hurts so bad and he'd clamp down even harder and, just for a second, just for good measure, before letting go and sometimes I'd say the safe word and he'd grind his teeth down on my skin and sometimes he'd smile after, um, like a gloating grin?
And during this time I was filled with so much anxiety all the time that I was constantly nauseous. Gagging daily, um, on occasion throwing up because of the pit that was in my stomach. I never told him about that though. I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends.
Um, but I felt so unwanted and ignored. Um, and I would tell him that and then he would reassure me that he wanted to be together and he loved me. He loved me more than I loved him, even. He would always insist that that was true, like the, "I love you." "I love you more," but he was like, really serious about it.
Um, and looking back, I do believe that the way I was swept off my feet at the beginning of this relationship was 100 percent love bombing. Um, and we were friends for a time. Um, at least people would have thought that, actually, but I use the word friend very loosely because, um, we had actually never spoke to each other outside of group chats we were in together when, like a handful of times throughout the, the whole time that we knew each other, um, but did not talk to each other.
So I wouldn't have even called him my friend until he found out I was single, waited a few weeks to reach out, and then we started a friendship and then that friendship turned romantic and then he made these huge romantic gestures. He wrote me the most beautiful love letter that I had ever read. Um, he called me his soulmate. He talked about "forever" one month in. He told me he hadn't been in a relationship in five years. He thought he could never find love again before he met me. He said he wanted someone to grow with. He wanted to be a dad. He had all his names picked out and I didn't have a preference because I — My feeling of it is that the timing is right and with the right person, I could, um, but if that doesn't work out in time or the time, you know, I, I'm not super pressed about it. Um, but I started opening my mind up to the idea with him because it seemed so important to him. And I kept trying to talk to him to figure out where he was, later on, when I could tell things like, were declining.
And, um, now all of a sudden he's telling me he's not sure he wants kids at all. In fact, he has never been attached to the idea of kids. Um, and I told him that isn't what he said before, and he said he's allowed to change his mind. And I'm of the opinion that in a relationship, there are a few things that you are not actually allowed to change your mind without letting your partner know.
I think that kids is one of them. It wasn't even important to me. Um, and I think marriage is one of them, so I brought that up next. And I asked if he still wanted marriage. He said he wanted to marry me. And then he said, now, "I'm not the co-" quote, "I'm not the commitment guy. You know that."
I didn't know that.
Why are you dating me?
In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day. Uh, he would tell me he still wanted to be together. He wanted to work on all of the problems. He wanted to, like, he wanted me at the end of everything. He did not want to break up. He made that very clear. And uh, I have though, caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff and I, again, I didn't want to, it wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over, uh, which isn't normal for me.
I hate lies. Um, and yet I ended up lying for him. So, uh, but he had lied about big things and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times. So this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. And everything reached a breaking point when he was about to leave for an extended period of time.
We were not going to see each other very much, a few days out of every few months, um, and now suddenly he is dumping all of these problems that he has been having feelings about all of this time later. Um, at one point he said he's been feeling this way a couple of months. At another point, he says he's been feeling this way for six months, immediately contradicting him- contradicting himself in the same conversation.
And with no time to do anything about it. I arrived — the one of — Never mind. I'm gonna get to something later, but I literally arrived for three days for this conversation to happen and then leave. Um, my cat just woke up and she's not usually awake right now — Hi, my love. It's really close to her dinner time. I should have fed her early.
Um, so no time to fix any of the problems all the sudden because there are three days before he leaves and he insisted he did not want to break up. He, and so, he was expecting me to have a solution somehow, magically, and I gave a number of solutions that would have a way forward for us to be together, but he refused to make any compromise, um, whatsoever.
And he said that "the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility," towards the end. Also his words. Um, so it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him. And he was at this point, basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. Um — she's eating my laundry. Please don't cause problems. — Um, and I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum. I was asking for so little and he — I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who, who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. So, um, and he also, he was never going to prioritize me over anything that would give him more fame or money.
In fact, he said that himself. He, uh, that was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution for us to be together. Because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. Um, and I just thought we wanted to be together. I thought that's what we both wanted, because that's what he was still saying he wanted to.
Um, but then he also admitted to me that he had grown resent- uh, he had grown to resent me. And I have to be thankful that he said that bit out loud. A lot of these bits he said out loud. Because that was the last push that I needed to get myself out.
He had grown resentful, which I also pointed out that there was no reason. Like, there was no reason to feel that way and he admitted that there was no reason for him to feel that way either. I think that it was because I'm someone who can communicate how I feel. Um, but, I don't know, I think, there, I have a lot of theories and reasons why I believe things happen the way that they did and why he was lying all of the time.
Um, but, he was "resentful" of me, was causing me physical harm every day, multiple times a day, despite me telling him over and over again to stop. He wasn't going to change, and he wasn't going to end the relationship. He was going to keep hurting me, and it was possibly going to escalate even further. So I broke up with him.
And I didn't even want to. Um, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after, um, what it really was that had happened. That he had abused me. And, in fact, we left things as, we want to be friends, and he can never imagine not speaking to me again. Um, and then he never spoke to me again. Uh, outside of like a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped, um, so at least I got my clothes back, uh, I had a whole closet full.
However, uh, he did throw away all of my other things, uh, without saying a word to me about it. Hundreds of dollars of things from my office were trashed without a word, and I didn't block him till ten months later because I wanted an open door still. I really thought I wanted to be his friend. Um, but, uh, I don't feel that way anymore.
I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions, uh, and he would never talk about how he felt. Um, I, I think he even, I mean, he did admit that he felt like he couldn't say it any sooner. Like, there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance. Like, not even a chance, because three days before he left, that was actually a lie too, also.
He didn't leave for another week after I left. He, he brought me in, had this three day conversation, he was supposed to leave, and then he stayed for another week before he left, uh, with all of the friends that I was also meant to see, but he had lied to me about the dates too.
Um, but I do believe that there, uh, that he was bottling up so many emotions that he was taking it out on me physically. I believe there was a moment where he knew that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and instead of just ending it, he tried to push me away any way he knew would hurt me. And he knew all of the ways that would hurt me the most. And he knew he was hurting me. There was no way that he didn't know because of the safe word that he made.
Uh, and he just didn't care. He was hurting me and he didn't care. And even looked like he was enjoying it, sometimes. Um, and I can look back now and I can see all these instances that were really major red flags. Um, there was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me.
And I couldn't do it, obviously. And he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. Fight back against what? What do you mean? You don't say shit like that to people? That's insane. Um, and I was also sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend, and he knew that.
Um, he had stopped giving anything to the relationship, and he said that why was because he "was just waiting for things to change on their own." Um, he said he also "didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for." Um, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me.
Uh, and he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online because we were, uh, long distance, but then he would complain that he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore. Uh, and then we'd be there in person and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movies. He doesn't want to go out.
Um, and I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean, um, he lived in filth like I have never seen, and I've seen filth. This was the worst. Uh, he would spill things on the floor and never, literally never clean them up. Uh, he got an ant infestation once, um, and wasn't going to do anything about it because he said, he said "Bugs are normal in British houses," um, so I had to buy Antkiller. And he wouldn't clean his bathroom for months, and months, and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled, and I would tell him, that's mould. It's mould. He complained about being tired all the time too, which I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mould will do that too.
But he would insist that it wasn't, somehow, without having cleaned in months. But it's not mould. Um, when I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent. Um, just, he wasn't using that at all, and I don't know for how long before I met him. He was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets.
Um, and I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner. I thought he just didn't know how and I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing and I was like, "He just doesn't know how. Someone just needs to show him." Um, and then I found out that he said he doesn't clean at all when I'm not there because he just waits for me to get there to do it.
Um, and I only found out about that after we broke up because he said it behind my back. Uh, I was doing all of the cleaning and laundry for him. Also, I had a separate bathroom. I want to make that clear. I wasn't using that bathroom. I had a separate bathroom that I cleaned for myself. I had cleaning supplies. I don't think he even actually knew I had cleaning supplies in there. Um, but I had my own bathroom.
Um, all the, all the cleaning, all the laundry. All of it. I was paying for. All of the, um, like paper towels, like soap, all of that only stayed in the house so long as I was buying it. Um, I would arrive and there would just not be toilet paper in the whole house. There were paper towels instead. And who knows for how long, too.
Um, I was paying for food more than half the time. Uh, because he would often push me into ordering food for us even if I had paid for the last meal, or the meal before that. Um, and I'm of the opinion now that I shouldn't have been paying for any food. Um, none at all, but I wanted to at least, I thought I was being equal by at least doing like a back and forth. Um, but, uh, I ended up paying for food more often than just going back and forth anyway. And he would do this to his friends all the time too. Um, but I was also paying for every plane ticket and the cat sitter, which cost roughly the amount of a plane ticket to England.
Um, and he never offered to help me pay after the couple of times he did come here to visit me because he paid for the flights that we would both take. Um, but that only happened twice at the very beginning. I have actually had a friend tell me that, that this is financial abuse, but I don't know enough about that to say for myself, but I was telling him that I couldn't afford it, uh, all by myself all the time because I was losing money. I was never able to work properly there and he wasn't traveling at all to see me anymore, even though he said he would. Uh, that was like the basis of our entire relationship starting off. Um, so then he agreed to pay for the cat sitter so that it would be basically paying half the cost of my travels. Um, and he did that once, and then never did it again, uh, despite many more months of dating.
Uh, and I was traveling often. Um, I had to. Because he was worried that we weren't spending enough quality time together. And then all of the time that he would have ever extra, he would choose, choose, to not spend it on me because there was an available choice and he chose not to spend it with me. Often.
Um, and I did everything short of just up and move there, which I was willing to do the whole time. And I told him that I was willing to do it and he knew, uh, but he insisted that I don't. He insisted not to. He was planning to move here. That was supposed to happen first.
Um, and then at the end of the relationship, he said, "Maybe things would have been different if I lived there." If I lived there. Uh, like I had said I would the whole time and he insisted I don't. Maybe that could have saved the relationship. Um, and I say all of this because I believe that people like this are genuinely dangerous. I believe he is dangerous.
Um, he was willing to lie. He was willing to do harm to someone he claimed to love more than anyone he has ever loved. Uh, his actions escalated, um, and I don't think that I'll be the last person that he hurts. Uh, and I felt like sharing my story was really important to warn people. Um, I want people to see the signs that I refused to.
I want you to listen to your body. Um, and get out as soon as possible. Tell your friends the truth and let them help you.
Um, I really thought I, I couldn't — Because I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship, I just thought I was so much smarter. To never — and I was like, "if someone ever laid their hands on me, I'd leave immediately. It would never happen a second time." But you, you just, it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse, and worse, and worse, until the point where there's no way to deny the fact that he was hurting me and he knew, and, and didn't care.
That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like, "But was it bad enough? What? It wasn't violent enough." Um, but I was being hurt multiple times every single day. Days, and days, and days, and days, for a month at a time in a row, uh, and I'm not even speaking on most, because I did touch on other things, but I am not even speaking on most of the other things that, in my opinion, I do think that there are some things that are across a line that make you a bad person.
I don't think that most people can be defined in a black and white, you're good or you're bad, but I do believe that there is a line that you can cross and only bad people will do the things on the other side of that line. You know what I mean? Um, and I watched a couple of things cross that line. And I just, I, I truly feel now that my soul is so healed.
Um, I am light years beyond him. Uh, this was the last thing that I felt like I needed to do — That's my cat. — Um, before I could move forward and hopefully never talk about him ever again. Outside of maybe my stories that I want to tell about other shitty things he did. Anonymously mixed in with the other stories I still have of shitty things that shitty exes did.
Because I think it's important for us to share our stories and our experiences. I think it's important for all of us to know that we deserve so much better than this. Um, and I think that if people don't want us to talk about the shitty things that they do, then they shouldn't do shitty things. Um, and this just felt so important to share.
I always wanted to share my experiences. I always will. Um, and that's kind of it. That's it. That's the end of everything I prepared. I reserve the right, uh, entirely to change my mind later and tell every story I want to, um, but for now that's all I really have, I feel like, from my soul, I want to speak on. Because I think that this can help other people.
I think that it can help other victims. Um, I have already talked to a number of — I only cry now when I'm talking about my friends! Who also dealt with such shitty things from shitty people. Um, but I'm also so, so grateful for all of my friends who were through, uh, with me through this whole thing. And my friends who also were experiencing similar, similar sorts of situations, um, at the same time, and we kind of went through it together. So, um, I think they are the strongest people in the whole world, and they made me feel like the strongest people in the whole world today. Did I call myself people? I meant person. I feel like the strongest people — I did it again. — I feel like the strongest person. They made me feel so brave. I felt impenetrable today. Um, but I am gonna go now because my friends are coming over and we're immediately gonna go become distracted by watching Love Is Blind. I already watched all of it already and I don't care.
So thank you, um, for listening. Thank you everyone who gifted subs. Um, um, I am going to be taking, uh, the rest of the week off from streaming. I have a video going out on Saturday and I'll be back next week and, uh, you won't hear about any of this again for a while, probably. But, uh, thank you all. I don't really even know what to do now. I think I'm just going to end. Um, go spread love all over the place on Twitch right now and I'll see you guys later. Bye.
Wilbur's response:
In the past week a series of allegations have been made over my conduct from an ex-girlfriend. I want to emphasise that, although I feel it fair to offer my perspective, this person's feelings are completely valid. I have taken my time sharing this statement as I wanted to process and respond respectfully and with the hope to gain a deeper understanding for the situation.
During our relationship's final months, I regrettably became slobbish, disrespectful, and selfish. These actions caused a lot of pain to my ex-girlfriend and I've since sought therapy to address these behaviours, making significant lifestyle changes to rectify my past actions. I have come to realise how much my past behaviour hurt this person, but I truly, compassionately believe I have made great strides from the person I once was and hope I can continue to grow and improve on this trajectory.
The allegation of abuse, particularly in the form of biting, deeply shocked me. Throughout our relationship, I understood from our numerous conversations and text message exchanges on the subject, that this behaviour was consensual, playful and reciprocally enjoyed. I truly believe those personal message exchanges reflect mutual affection and understanding. Out of respect for her, I choose not to publish them and I emphasise my perspective is not shared to diminish or invalidate anyone's feelings. Instead I share it in the hope that I can offer a genuine, fair and relevant insight into my understanding of the situation. While I may perceive our interactions differently, I recognise that this person has processed and expressed feelings of hurt. I want to extend my sincerest apologies for any pain that I caused.
I am fully committed to understanding and addressing her concerns going forward. I hope my perspective sheds light on this situation without detracting from its message. I am dedicated to earning and maintaining the trust of those around me and hope I continue to be held to these high standards I wish to attain and maintain.
- Will
Shubble's response:
i could not have imagined what i would wake up to today. my ex pretending he thought i enjoyed being hurt... and all of my friends immediately coming to my defense. The support has brought me to tears, i don't even know what to say. i'll be back, i'll just be taking a little time
and for the record, i don't accept the apology
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jgracie · 7 days
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⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ YOU KNOW HOW TO BALL, I KNOW ARISTOTLE
↳ part two / the chronicles of jj & smartiepants!
(american)footballer!jason grace x fem!reader
masterlist | rules
on the radio . . . so high school (taylor swift)
an u can tell i wrote this for me myself and i …. cynjase nation rise ☝🏼 also i’m not american sorry if this isn’t the hashtag authentic experience ! (if one person tells me to write a pt2 i will)
“hi baby, what’cha doing?” you heard a voice ask, snapping you out of the trance you were in. jason couldn’t have come at a more perfect time - the sweet cadence of his words was exactly what you needed to pull you away from the homework you were doing
you turned to face him and couldn’t help but smile as you looked at him sitting on the very edge of your bed, a bouquet of flowers in hand - your favourites, of course. rubbing your tired eyes, you asked, “what’re you doing here?”
taking the bouquet from his hands, you went over to put them in a nearby vase as he explained - the team were having a friendly match with a nearby school in an hour and he passed by to see if you wanted to come along. staring at the pretty bunch of flowers now on your desk, a grin made its way onto your face. somehow, jason always knew when your flowers began to wilt
“i’m confused, they told you about this game today?” you asked, now sitting on a chair in front of him. you didn’t mind going, of course, but this is just how you were - always planning things ahead of time, your calendar neatly organised and your planner colour coded - so the idea of a game being sprung up on jason like this made you feel a little bad for him
he toyed with your fingers, now shy. before you became friends, if someone had told you the jason grace, golden boy of jupiter high (see what i did there wink wink), could be shy, you would’ve laughed in their face
“sorry, you don’t have to come, i was just wondering…” he mumbled. you would’ve gone anyway - hell, he could ask you to go to the opposite end of the world and you’d go - but now you definitely couldn’t say no, not with his crystal blue eyes giving you that look. jason insists he doesn’t do a puppy face, but surely this counted
grinning, you stood up, ruffling his hair as you made your way to your closet, “of course i’ll go, jase! i’m insulted at the fact that you’d even consider the idea of me not going.” at your words, a gooey smile tugged the corners of jason’s lips upwards, one that was only reserved for you, the first person who cared to know the boy behind perfect, popular jason
you rummaged through your closet, pulling out two tops and presenting them to him, “which one?” jason’s eyes widened, suddenly remembering something. he picked his backpack up from the floor and took something out of it - a jersey. his jersey. it was purple with gold accents, the surname, ‘grace’, and your lucky number plastered on the back
“this one,” he threw it to you and you caught it, pulling out bottoms to match. then, you stared at him, waiting for him to get the hint
“what?” jason asked, his brows furrowing
biting your lip, you became the shy one as you said, “i need to change, jason.” immediately, he got up, his face a bright shade of red as he took his bag and almost ran out, mumbling apologies and gently shutting your door behind him
you giggled to yourself, knowing he was going to be apologising for the rest of the day. oh well, a couple kisses should shut him up
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uniquesoulwinner · 7 months
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My Queen
Leah Williamson x reader 
Idea that came to me after seeing Leah get her OBE today of a little surprise celebration with her girl who she didn’t think was even in the country! 
Hope you enjoy its not very good and the format isn’t working right so it might read funny but well it’s something 
Let me know what you think 
***********************
Y/n pov
Getting off the plane in London brings nothing but butterflies to your stomach at the thought of the day ahead. You see given that I’ve been in New York for work for the past 9 long weeks I was not meant to be here today well at least that’s what Leah thinks, I however always knew I would be here! 
As soon as we got the date for Leah to get her long awaited OBE medal I was on the phone to Amanda to plan exactly what was going to happen today, this has lead to a lot of sneaky phone calls between me and my girlfriends mother, who I’m nearly sure is more excited about me being there to surprise Leah than I am.
Finding out that I was going to have to be in New York for 16 weeks for work was never part of the plan, being away from Leah for that long was a thought that made my whole body hurt before I even went, which is why I I have worked my ass off over the last 9 weeks so complete everything I needed to do to get home to my girlfriend of 4 years early which brings me back to walking though Heathrow Airport at 7:45am on a Wednesday morning counting down the minutes until I have her in my arms again. 
Just as I was getting into the taxi to take me to the hotel I had booked for myself and Leah for that night my phone rang and my smile got even bigger seeing it was Amanda!
Y/n: Hey perfect timing I’m just in the taxi
Amanda: ahh perfect I’m so excited, she’s getting ready already! I swear she takes forever.
Y/n: Worth every minute though; you find yourself say thing that out loud without ever realising until you hear Amanda aww on the other end of the phone which made you blush no end! Anyway how are we looking for timeline I’m just heading to the hotel now to get showered and ready! 
Amanda: so we should be wrapped up in Windsor by around 13:30pm at the latest and then she thinks we are just going for dinner and meeting holly and all that couldn’t come to the ceremony there. You can hear the excited little giggle coming from Amanda like she is on a secret spy mission which makes you laugh  
Y/n: ok good and she definitely doesn’t suspect a thing right you ask already knowing that she doesn’t considering you spent 2 hours in the phone to her last night with her upset and missing you as well as telling you how much she wished you where going to be there today which yes broke your heart in two , the only thing that you hoped was seeing her face today would make up for everything!
Amanda: nope not a thing, she is completely oblivious you hear that cheeky giggle again she is going to be so happy y/n, she has missed you so much you you 
Y/n: yeh I know I’ve missed her too more than words but not long now, god I’m nervous you laugh at the Ridiculousness of getting nervous over seeing the woman that has been the centre of your world for 4 years now 
Amanda: oh sweetie you no need to be nervous, the second that girl sees you everything will be worth it, you know … Amanda suddenly stops talking only thing you can hear is some rustling and foot steps which your hoping isn’t Leah catching you both out 
Ok I gotta go she is wandering around now looking for her socks so I better help I’ll see you later ok text me when your there , ok bye bye bye and the phones goes dead leaving you laughing at the thought of your girl running around looking for socks which you know she will be treating like a Military mission in that room ! 
************************
Later on that day after checking in to the hotel and getting yourself ready , wearing a tight green dress that you knew drive Leah crazy with your hair down and curled and black heals, you where standing that the bar of the restaurant that had been booked out for today with holly catching up on every bit of gossip you had missed being away which was lot it seemed! 
Although after the 7th time checking the door you did catch holly giving you a very knowing smirk which made you laugh purely because you didn’t care how obvious you where being, ever since Amanda text to say they where 20 minutes away you could help but look out for them ! You wanted your girl and weren’t even sorry about it ! 
The restaurant was full of Leah’s close family and friends most of which were now laughing at the twitter comments over Leah being the queen of England now ! Lol 
You only snapped out of staring at the door when you heard Jen Leah’s teammate call you 
Jen: y/n how does it feel to have bagged England’s new queen  all you heard was laughter which then turned to cooing and awe’s when you replied saying y/n: she has always been my queen 
And right as you said that you seen her your queen walk past the window towards the door looking out of this world and every bit worthily of the title queen in your opinion but it was to time and time for you to hide in the crowd who had all turned to face the door waiting for her to come in, to which when she did come in she was meant by just noise of chatting and clapping but all you could hear was her laugh that beautiful laugh while she made her way around people still not spotting you ! 
Amanda however snuck around to hug you whispering how she couldn’t wait to see Leah’s face ! 
After around 5 minutes of her still not spotting you , you had enough of waiting so grabbed a glass of champagne and made your way up behind her as she spoke to Alex Scott and Kim little both of who started smiling the second they seen you approach! 
Y/n: would the new queen like a drink you said standing behind her and while you couldn’t see her face you could see her body freeze as she heard your voice which made your heart burst. Y/n you heard her whisper still not turning around which made you giggle given that all you wanted right now was to kiss her still though you stepped forward so you where right behind her meaning you could whisper in her ear hello baby, any chance I could get a hug now?  You didn’t even have a split second to react when her arms where around your neck with such force that if ever the sensible kimmy hadn’t if grabbed the champagne out if your hands it would have been all down the back of Leah’s very expensive looking suit ! 
Suddenly all the people in the room weren’t there anymore the only thing that you noticed was your girl finally in your arms after way to long and while pulling her impossibly closer to you , you just breathed her in every part of you and missed every part of her and now here you could never imagine being away from her again which made what you were about to do even more clear in your head, so while holding her as close as possible with one arm your eyes met Leah’s grandmas giving her a nod and hold out your hand , you watched as the whole room tried to contain themselves as she placed the black velvet box in your hand giving your hand a small squeeze as she did !
Focusing back on Leah who’s head was still buried in your neck, pulling back slightly so you could see her with a massive smile on your face that was thankfully matched by her, finally gave you the chance to look into those eyes that have had you weak for years. It’s only when you see her eyes flick down to your lips that you pull her in making sure she can’t feel the box behind her back, although all sense leaves your body the second her lips meet yours for the first time in over 2 months. Finally it feels like I’m home you think, kissing her is home , she is home and with that thought you remember what you have hidden behind her back so with one final kiss you pull back to be met with a pout from her. 
Leah: your here, your actually here 
Y/n: I’m here baby I would never miss this looking at the smile on her face makes all the sneaking around worth it 
Leah: please tell me I have you for more than one night baby before you go back the pout comes back to her face again as she speaks Giggling at her you step back completely! Here goes nothing you think as you look into her eyes again how about forever you whisper never breaking eye contact, seeing the confusion on her have made you smile as you looked down at the box in your hands which was now between you and Leah, flicking your eyes back up seeing that hers where now fixed on the box in your hands as well it was go time so slowly you lower down onto one knee and open the box , hearing the gasp come from her  gave you the confirmation that the band you had chosen was the right choice! 
Y/n : le there is nothing I could say right now that would be any different to anything I have told you every day for the past 4 years but what I will say is how proud I am to be yours baby, every day with you is the best day of my life letting out a shaky breath as you see the tears in her eyes before you carry on and I want that for the rest of our lives, so Leah Williamson OBE you give her a cheeky smirk as the room fills with laughter , will you do me the honour of marrying me? Holding your breath for the whole 0.2 of a second it takes before you hear her say yes yes a million times yes , smiling with the tears running down both your faces you pull the ring from the box and finally put it on her finger as she pulls you up into a bruising kiss. 
You hear the cheers in the room, the clapping and banging on tables but all you feel is her , your finance , your Leah , your home! It’s just you two in the bubble of whispered words between the two of you consisting of i love yous, don’t ever leave again and I can’t wait to make you my wife , everything in that moment is just perfect! 
**************************
Hours later after food , champagne, a lot of laughter and more love than you could imagine, you are standing back beside your finance at the side of the room arms wrapped around each other just watching your friends and family around you. Turning to Leah you decide to take the teasing that’s been going on between the two of you for over an hour now to the next level,
Y/n: I booked us into a hotel for the next 2 nights so I hope you have no plans for tomorrow you say while looking her up and down because I have no plans on leaving that hotel room tomorrow. Watching as her eyes darken on front of you you step a little closer to her so you can whisper in her ear and just so you know earlier wasn’t the only time I plan on dropping to my knees for you my queen 
And with that Leah walked away and started saying goodbye to everyone you giggling behind her especially with the knowing looks you got from some people in the room but to hell with it you hadn’t had your girl in 9 weeks so you where going to make the most of every minute if that night and every night for the rest of your life with your queen ! 
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Viktor: "The time to seduce me with beautiful women and katsudon is over. You can fight with your own charm now." Yuuri (suddenly all possessive): "Don't take your eyes off me!" Viktor (utterly clueless): He's so different today. I wonder what has flipped his switch.
Recently, I've found myself coming back to this scene over and over as I was reconsidering the link between the progress of Viktuuri and Yuuri's understanding of Eros. For years, I was convinced that Yuuri had grasped the concept of Eros in episode 6, but (and this is probably controversial) I no longer believe that is true.
So, what happens in episode 6?
While the events during the weeks between the press conference and the Cup of China are open to speculation, the subtext of episode 6 us some cues as to where Yuuri and Viktor currently are in their relationship (the hugging, the cuddling, you know).
In this sense, the short dialogue before Yuuri's short programme, tells us that:
So far, Yuuri hasn't seduced Viktor as himself.
Viktor thinks Yuuri is ready to do exactly that.
They are dating (note the lover's bind aka the lacing of the fingers, which is an expression of romantic intimacy in Japan)
Yuuri's reaction is untypically fierce and possessive.
Viktor has not the slightest clue what triggered Yuuri's response. When put into the context of the whole story, this gives us another hint that Yuuri possibly can't have seduced Viktor prior to the competition. If he had (be it on or off-ice), Viktor would no longer react surprised. (You can actually see the difference in episode 8).
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However, Yuuri and Viktor are in entirely different headspaces, which becomes obvious if we think back to the events in the mixed zone. Viktor feels that it's time to gently nudge Yuuri towards a more intimate stage of their relationship. However, Yuuri is upset because just learned that everyone wants Viktor to give up on him and return to competition. He is convinced that Viktor's fans will deem him a poor replacement for Viktor if Viktor keeps coaching him. He thinks that he would disappoint his own fans if the returns to where he was before Viktor. The only option left is pressing ahead on the path he's already on and thus works himself up into wanting to be hated as the man who took Viktor Nikiforov from the world.
With that mindset, Yuuri steps onto the ice.
Viktor's confused reaction when Yuuri storms off shows us something else: He doesn't have the slightest clue that Yuuri is upset because of things that happened right before the short programme. The subtext of the scene implies that he interprets Yuuri's reaction as a sign that Yuuri is indeed ready to seduce him. The lip-licking and all the sensuality Yuuri pours into his immaculate performance must seem from his perspective as if Yuuri truly wants him. He's not entirely wrong about that, but he isn't entirely right either.
Yuuri's eros is dominant and possessive. Several months have passed since the first time he skated Eros to seduce Viktor, but their relationship and Yuuri's understanding of Viktor has deepened since. His eros has evolved into a violent force of nature. His skating no longer is about "seducing" Viktor to stay his coach, he's showing the world (and Viktor) that Viktor is his and his alone and that he is all that Viktor wants ("I'm the only one who can satisfy Viktor. I'm the only one who understands Viktor's love"). And he goes out puling all the stops. And at the next competition, he's going to double down on that. Sounds kinky? It absolutely is.
Ever wonder why Viktor is so flustered right after Yuuri's skate? That's why. This precious boy felt seduced through-and-through by Yuuri's performance.
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Viktor: "Yuuri, did it feel that great?" Yuuri: "I was hoping everyone else felt great watching me." Viktor (basically talking about himself): "Of course, they felt great watching a performance like that."
Remember that I said that Viktor has a totally different grasp of the situation than Yuuri because he doesn't know what Yuuri is going through? Viktor projects his own state of arousal from watching Yuuri on Yuuri. But Yuuri is not a second Chris and his response reinforces the implications made above based his inner monologue before and during his performance: He wanted to give "the audience" a good time aka making Viktor feel seduced and convincing the skating world that he is worthy to skate in Viktor's stead.
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Learning that "everyone" (and most of all Viktor) had a "good time", is an important step for Yuuri in mastering his short programme:
In episode 6, Yuuri truly understands the power he has over Viktor and what he can do to Viktor with his skating alone.
So far, Yuuri has had a hard time grasping eros, using all kinds of workarounds (food, women etc.). He has refined this understanding as his relationship with Viktor deepened, he has learned to express himself in a sensual manner, but it doesn't come naturally to him. In episode 6, he finally understands that he has the power to turn Viktor on and what exactly he must do to achieve that. He's still using workarounds and these are 100% Yuuri, and because of that, they are successful. Even if he never understands eros beyond the abstract theory, he now has acquired the set of tools to hone is performance and to seduce Viktor if he sets his mind on it. (Yes, this anxious katsudon fatale has some massive kinks and they work for him and Viktor, and I will die on that hill.)
But what about the banquet?
Drunken horniness due to dancing physically with his celebrity crush. Friction is a thing. And let's be honest: otherwise, the whole "grasping eros" story arc would make no sense. Either you have an innate sense of that concept or you don't, and memory gaps can't explain that away.
(No, I'm still on a break from posting meta, but I've been agonising over this for quite a while and had to get it out of my system because I'm currently fixing some stuff related to this in my novelisation.)
If you like my meta, please check out my works on AO3 (link in bio).
Last but not least many thanks to cecebeanie for a discussion that set this thought process in motion 💜💙
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inthepeakymidwinter · 8 months
Text
Cruel Summer (Thomas Shelby x Reader)
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Summary: Y/N tries to move on after seeing Thomas with another woman. Thomas comes back after weeks wondering where Y/N went.
Based on this anon ask:
“Hello! Can you please do Tommy is jealous that Y/N is moving on after having a crush on him for years but he was too focused on Grace? He realizes that he loves Y/n more than Grace after seeing her with another man”
Word Count: 2718
TW: drinking, alcohol
(Sorry it took me sooo long! Hope you all enjoy!)
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It’s been weeks since I slept after finding out that Tommy was with Grace. It shook my nervous system in ways I didn’t expect it to. I shouldn’t care as much as my heart actively does. I stopped going outside to water my plants. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch. The only thing I could hold down was tea. It took many days to feel like a person again. The night I caught them kissing at the derby my heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. I hadn’t seen Tommy since that day, and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t plan on it. I ran out of that stadium and never looked back.
Strangely enough as one door closed another began to open. Thomas’ brother John had knocked on the door to my townhome one early morning. I answered the door in my pajamas, with my hair messy and wild, sipping a cup of tea out of one hand. “John?” I asked him, looking ahead of him to see if anyone else was with him. He stood there with a perfectly dry-cleaned suit on and his hair slicked back.
“Have you seen Tommy around?” He questioned; his demeanor was so serious that it almost felt like an interrogation.
I turned furious in an instant. “You really think I’ve seen him? I haven’t been out in weeks. What makes you think he’d be with me?” I shouted.
“Aye come off it. I didn’t mean anything by it. Last time I saw he was off to the woods for some gypsy thing. No one's seen him since…are you okay Y/N?” John asked sincerely.
“I’ll be fine John” I mumbled, looking down at his shiny black leather shoes. I took another sip of tea before I felt John’s hand on my cheek, slowly lifting my head up with his thumb so out eyes would meet.
“I know yer not” He sighed. I shook my head slowly and he rushed himself through the door, making his way into my kitchen. “Y’know Y/N if i had known any better I would have come by sooner…just haven’t seen you around…i thought you’d be coming by the betting shop any day now” He admitted.
“John, I barely make it out of my bed most days what makes you think I’d even make it to the betting shop?” I hissed.
John smiled, then realized what i said and how severe it was. His demeanor changed into a melancholic look, and he walked over to me. “Don’t tell me that” he said with his lips trembling. “Why have you done this, Y/N what happened?” John questioned me.
I looked down at the floor and then back up at him. His brown eyes stared me down until something came out of my mouth. “I just…saw him with her” Tears started to form in my eyes.
“Oh, fook me Y/N, him? You have feelings for him?” John asked. “You deserve so much better than my sorry excuse of a brother. He may be my brother, but he has flaws Y/N. Flaws that you are nowhere near” He told the truth and I believed him for once. I always knew Tommy had big dark secrets. I just didn’t know how bad they were and maybe that was for the best. “We’re going out tonight. You and me, eh?” John insisted, holding my hand as he spoke. I smiled for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t ready but with John i felt like i could take a leap. “Put a nice dress on, I’ll pick you up at 8” John said and kissed my cheek. I blushed involuntarily as I watched him walk out of my townhome confidently. He always had this charisma about him, all of the Shelby brothers did. It was effortless to them.
At around 6:30pm I started getting ready. I put on winged black liner on my eyes, and slipped on a tight black dress with lace trim.
At exactly 8pm just like he said, John arrived in front of my house to pick me up. I decided to walk out of my home and saw John get out of the car immediately. He raced up to the passenger door and opened it for me. “You know I would’ve knocked on your door” He stated.
“I figured, but I was impatient” I smiled back at him.
“Well you look absolutely stunning tonight” John complimented. I nodded in his direction and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.
“So where are we going?” I asked him with a smile.
“You’ll see very soon” John stated and shut the door once i got in. He drove us to a bar that i had never been to. We went in and he got us drinks right away. I sat quietly in a booth with him as we giggled about old times and drank beer to our hearts content. After a few hours John cursed out of nowhere. “Fook me I forgot to pick up Arthur from the Garrison. Linda’s gonna have my arse” He groaned as he got up from the booth.
“I-It’s okay John I can go with you” I sighed. Maybe John was right. Maybe Tommy didn’t dare show his face in this town anymore.
John nodded at me and went up to the bartender to pay his tab, then we went back to his car and drove to the Garrison. John turned the car off and turned his attention to me. “Are ye sure you want to come in?” He asked politely.
“I’ll be fine John” I placed my hand on his and gave him a small smile. He held my hand for a minute in return before letting go and getting out of the car. He walked to the passenger side and opened my door, letting me get out before he slammed the door shut. We walked into the Garrison with our hands intertwined and John yelled out for Arthur. He was drunk off of his face, sitting at the bar and laughing with a random man I’ve never seen before. And by the looks of Johns confused face, neither did he.
“Alright Arthur come with us. Don’t wanna keep that Linda waiting do we” John spoke, trying to coax Arthur out of his drunken state.
Arthur looked at John and back to his drink then guzzled his entire glass of dark liquor in one go. “I’m waiting for Tommy. He said he’d be back” He slurred.
John groaned audibly, “Arthur, Y/N and I are taking you home. Tommy’s not coming he-“
“He what” Thomas spoke from the bar’s entrance. My stomach turned and I no longer felt happy from all those drinks like I did a minute ago.
Thomas and I exchanged quick glances before his gaze went back to his brothers. John stood in shock for a moment but it quickly faded to anger. “You don’t get to just leave us without an explanation Tom” He growled.
“I never left. Did I Arthur?” Thomas asked and walked up closer to the two brothers.
“Aye. He’s been out with his woman I reckon” Arthur raised his empty glass in support but Thomas grew furious.
“Never said anything like that you drunken bastard” Tommy growled.
“You didn’t have to” John huffed and walked towards me. He motioned to go out the door and i nodded my head in agreement, taking his hand once more.
“Where the hell are you two going?” Thomas roared from behind.
“We’re leaving for the night. You enjoy Arthur” John smiled before leaving the bar with me. I walked out of the garrison with John and felt myself crumbling. I walked the cobblestone street to get to his car and stopped.
“John…I need to go home” I croaked out.
“Y/N Please tonight was supposed to-“ He pleaded.
“John I need to go right now” I huffed, nearly running to the car at this point.
I made it to the car and opened the door myself, hopping in as fast as I could. John got in and slammed his driver side door, turning the car on angrily.
“I didn’t want this to happen” He sighed.
“What?” I asked grumpily.
“Just all of it. Fuckin Tom” He growled.
“Just take me home, John” I mumbled. Completely over seeing Thomas in person. I just wanted to climb into a hole and die.
The ride home was silent. Nothing but John’s breathing and cursing under his breath. It took us 15 minutes until I finally made it home. I made it home and rushed out of the car, slamming the door and storming into my townhouse after unlocking the door. I closed the door behind me and locked it, making sure no peaky ever got in.
I stepped into my kitchen and ran to the cupboard beside my refrigerator. I opened it and took out the bottle of red wine that had been sitting there for months. I went to fetch a bottle opened from the drawer beside it and heard a loud knock at the door.
“Leave me alone John” I shouted and proceeded to open the bottle of wine. I twisted the cork and it popped out of the bottle. Then yet again another knock. “I told you to leave me alone!” I yelled. I sighed deeply and got a wine glass out of my upper cabinets, pouring wine into my glass and taking a large swig.
Suddenly the knocks on my front door grew louder and i couldn’t take it anymore.
I cursed under my breath and stomped to the front door, unlocking it and about to curse out the person behind the door.
“I told you to leave me-“ I yelled until I saw who the person behind the door was. Thomas Shelby in the flesh.
“You can hate me all you want but do NOT get revenge by using my brothers” He argued with his baby blue eyes and perfectly styled dark hair.
“I wasn’t getting revenge anyone. It's something called moving on” I huffed and tried closing the door on him. Thomas held the door open and stared me down.
“Then why go out with John” He asked me with hurt in his eyes.
“It’s none of your business, Tom. Go home” I stated and tried to close the front door again, but it was no use.
“What the hell are you doing, Y/N?” Tommy asked angrily. I wanted to curse him out but instead I took a deep breath and stepped outside on the front stoop with him and shut the door behind me.
“Thomas I’m trying to move on. The same as you did weeks ago with that blonde girl. I’m tired of you being in my life” I huffed and nearly cried. Just a minute later rain started to pour onto us. I felt cold drops trickle down my shoulders and looked down at them sliding down my arms.
When suddenly Thomas asked me, “…Why don’t you want me in your life, Y/N” This time with a fallen face and broken-down demeanor.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I wasn’t prepared to tell him anything about what I saw those past weeks ago. “You need to go Thomas…I-I can’t handle this right now” I croaked and tried to pull myself together.
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on” He raised his voice and stared at me deeply with his light blue eyes. The rain had trickled down his head by now, making his dark hair completely wet and straight. He looked good and it just pissed me off even more.
“I never kissed anyone in front of you! Never fucking liked…anyone other than you. And then you go off with other people disappearing for weeks” I cried out and avoided his gaze.
“I didn’t think you wanted me. You ignored me every time we all went drinking. That’s why I went for Grace, but she was using me. Trying to find our guns. Trying to end our company. That’s why I had to leave. I was off the grid” Thomas explained. I sighed and sat on my front steps. Not caring if the rain made me wetter, I just needed to think properly.
“I can't let you go Y/N. Not like this. Nothings started between us. I’ve never got to tell you how I felt” Thomas spoke from behind me.“Y/N look at me” He ordered. I turned to face him, and he stepped down a stair, sitting beside me with his body turned fully towards me.
“I rather die than hurt you. I wish I never did. I don’t want to lose you Y/N” Thomas confessed. I stared at him completely breathless, my hair dripping wet with rainwater. Thomas placed his hands on either side of my face. My eyes closed as I fell into his caress. “Please Y/N” He begged. I started to cry softly, and he wrapped me into his arms. Hugging me with an urgent tightness. I’ve never felt so comforted by anyone like that. “Tell me what you want…be honest, me or John” He gave me an ultimatum. My cheeks flushed a vibrant red color as I left his embrace and stared into his inviting gaze.
“You really don’t know who I like do you…” I asked him.
“I really don’t Y/N…you’re driving me insane right now. Waltzing in with him” He spoke with frustration.
“Me? Like you didn’t drive me to insanity weeks ago? You’ll be fine” I laughed in his face as the rain fully poured down onto us.
“I need you” He spoke, his voice much deeper than it was before.
“And I need a mental vacation but we don’t always get our way Thomas Shelby” I sighed and placed my hands on the stairs, holding myself up.
“Why are you doing this? You just figure when one person finally moves on that you can just come back, and everything would be normal again? You don’t understand how miserable I was because of you. John had to get me out of bed just to be a person again. And you think you can come over once and propose an ultimatum and make everything fine. I’m sick of it Thomas Shelby” I confessed with anger making my blood boil.
“Y/N…I’m sorry. For everything. I didnt know what happened to you. I didn’t even think you cared. No one told me where you went and i had to lay low. I wrote millions of letters i never got to send. I promise I will make everything up to you. Just tell me who you want the most” He pleaded and shuffled closer to me.
“It’s never been John…from the start you were the only person I wanted” I admitted. Getting near his familiar ocean blue eyes was enough for me to become lightheaded. He placed a hand on my wet cheek once more, staring back into my soul like he saw right through me. Rain drops trickled down his forehead making his jaw look even more chiseled.
He carefully placed his thumb on my bottom lip and swiped over it softly. “I’d really like it if you were all mine…permanently” Thomas growled.
“I’ve only been waiting for months” I mumbled out before he leaned in close and kissed me roughly like he yearned for this moment for centuries. The rain came down so hard i couldn’t think straight. I kissed him back. Tasting a mix of my own salty tears and rain water diluting them. I locked my lips against Thomas’ with him repeating back the same way. We shared sloppy, compelling kisses that didn’t stop until we both had to come up for air. When we did, Thomas pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.
“I’ve wanted you for so long Y/N” He breathed.
“Me too.” I smiled. “Let’s go get warmed up. I have wine waiting inside” I offered.
“Sounds like a dream” Thomas spoke and stood up off of the stairs, grabbing my hand and pulling me up in one go. The night ended with us lying in bed without clothes, overly drunk and tangled in the sheets. His big arms holding me tight as we drifted off into a good night’s sleep.
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