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#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt
pepprs · 6 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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ofphcenixes · 5 years
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BLUE & LIBBY - text thread 001
texts from 3:55pm to 7:01pm
blue
hey lib. (: havent talked today. just wanted to drop in and see if u were doin alright i have memes if u need them
libby
i mean, technically we did talk. i reminded you of the moment the world stood still: when valentine and you made contact (1) time. are you okay though? you seem a little, weird
blue
i maintain that valentine was an alien in a spider suit that wanted to destroy me but u know what I mean djdjdjd just chats between us. the gc has been a june holden fest lately lmao hope it works out for them tho anyways i am always weird in ur eyes djdjhd. but im fine. shit was crazy that night and we never really got to talk about what happenedand if u wanted to talk i just want u to kno im here ABOUT NADIA bc yeah kdjdjjd
libby
don't talk to me or my son ever again yeah, wow, okay so holden stayed over the night. i only know that because i saw his stuff in her room? i think she mentioned that like, it was a one time thing but i feel like... he might be coming over again which.. is Interesting oh. yeah, no i think i'm okay. i guess just in shock. june is very broken up over it, so i'm doing my best to be a good pal, and bring loads of ice cream and kisses. /: do you wanna talk? about nadia? i know that she like, meant something to you
blue
ok good luck getting me to stop talkin to u but as for valentine? bye Felecia! is that right. hmm well he doesn’t seem like much is goin on so maybe they were just,, hanging out. bringing a bag over is pretty damning tho. and if he does come over and u see him tell that bih he owes me $ bc he ate my fucking chorizo salad ): r u proud lib?? I ate a salad by choice well I would have if Holden wasn’t a lil birch bitch DONT CENSOR ME fuck. im sorry. ): i actually wanted to see june today tbh. but if u need anyone pls let me know alright? id skip practice if u needed me, lib WELL. i mean ok i was sorta close with her in middle school and she’s always been a friend and I just. I’m just fucking numb tbh. I really can’t believe it
libby
i'll have you know that valentine died shortly after my 18th birthday so ): idk idk, why would they hang out in her room if they were "hanging out"? like they have history. i feel like thats, a little too ... suspicious given the context. in a good way though. like i hope it works out theyre both so miserable without each other. oh my god!! look at you go! so proud of you, dude! ( even if you never got to it lmao ) no, no, it's okay. june needs all the support she can get, and i don't wanna impede. i'm really fine, i just sort of need to accept it and i guess reflect on how terrible it is. she was a really sweet person and fuck i really cant believe any of it i guess
blue
fuck what kdjdjdnd I thought valentine just yeeted shit that’s not a good way to put it fuck but. im sorry lib ): ok I take it back Valentine was alright. still scared the fuck out of me tho all i know is that if i loved someone as much as holden loves june, i wouldn’t let you go **THEM fuck Damn phone Typos Djdjhdi can’t believe u make me eat green stuff its truly CRUEL whomst? I only know nadia just didn’t fucking deserve any of this. shit even daisey didn’t. i just want to protect everyone and i don’t know HOW it goes without saying that im happy to be ur uber driver for the indefinite future
libby
no omg, i took good care of my boy. idk what happened, they can live up to like 15 years so i was pretty bummed tbh. i was a bad mom he appreciates your support from the grave though i mean, i guess. but not everyone you love is going to love you back, i think that's where holden's at. not everyone wants to be clung to, and june seems reluctant besides, you know all about that. holden, the love of your life, loves june. how sad it's good for you!!! i'm helping i ... feel so badly for both of them. i can't imagine how their families must be feeling, fuck. i hate this. i'm moving to spain ah, dude you don't have to do all that. you probably are busy with practice, and holden, and work. thank you tho
blue
im sure ur a great mother. ): but still valentine was lucky to have u. and im sure he misses u in his weird spider heaven web of flies and whatever it is spiders like idk ill dm peter parker and find out i mean... guess that’s true. I suppose I dont get to see how june feels most of the time. i just wish they’d talk about it and sort it out at least. they both deserve to be happy holden is the loml that is true aksjjsjd. holden has enough room for both me and june in his heart. so i mean technically i can love someone else too?? but enough about that lmfao you definitely are helping. even coach has noticed dkdjd. making me better without even trying u can’t move without me who’s gonna get me free popcorn ): you’re just as important as practise and holden to me, lib.
libby
god, i miss him. you think the girls would be mad if i bought another one? like, to keep in my room.  i know! they're both obviously still in love, you can tell. i can't wait for them to overcome this and get to be together. also, im grateful for the amount of sleep i'm able to get now that... the room next to mine is less loud welp, i hope you find someone who is willing to share you with holden lol oMG, REALLY? IDK WHY THAT MADE ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY LOL. WE CAN GET SALAD LATER let's go, we'll go to spain and take on a new identity. we can live along the coast and work in a bakery or something. get a puppy don't show holden that text he might cry. but dsjflk thank you, you're very important to me too. kinda my best pal
blue
u would have to ask. but if you did get another what would u call it? thanksgiving? funnily enough valentine is only a few weeks away. a sign?? i mean fuck ive known holden for years and can confirm he is happiest when he’s with june. when she’s not roasting him at least lmfao. and if my MasterPlan works im afraid things will get bad again djdjdj. I can take one for the team and try to get them to come over here tho - u don’t need to deal with that shit i hope i do too tbh. and who would I want it to be u ask? that’s right. danny devito. LETS NOT GET TOO CRAZY IVE ALREADY HAD THREE VEGETABLES THIS WERK AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY. I think it’s popcorn time 8) bold of u to assume i know where Spain is dkdjdjdjdj well he’s gonna catch on soon enough we spend every day together at this point lol
libby
i was gonna name this one patrick, after st patricks day actually lol. yes you know what's also approaching that is more important? your birthday! i know, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out. he's v much a relationship kinda dude, actually bc he's also kinda slutty lol. but even june is sad and its just, SO HARD. i hate when people are clearly, happiest together are like, nO IM GOING TO PROLONG THE MISERY. i feel like we're in a rom-com. how do we get them back together? i'll let him know. my v-day gift from me to you oooo, should i get the skittles ready too then? popcorn is kinda of a veggie if you think abt it omg, okay well now you can't come with me. offer rescinded. im going with the hot cop lslsfkjdjkldfs i mean its not like we're doing anything weird, so its okay, right?
blue
ur so cute wtf. although if u did do this i hope u know im calling him patrick star. also how the fuck do u tell if its a female or a male spider theyre so small and gross. fuck it is too lol. i dont have any money so im gonna let ppl down on the party front lmao. ud still come tho, right? how can he be both slutty and relationshippy. like not to be weird bc i know hes ur cousin and all dkfjgg but he doesnt.. have people over anymore. unless hes someone learned not to stomp around the house WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. and ha hA im already on plan 384 to get them back together get on my level lmao.  we just gotta force them to spend time together tbh. does that mean i have to give u the hot cop for valentines bc i mean. i would if that's what u wanted but im sure u can do much better than him OH FUCK UR RIGHT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE TO CONVERT ME TO VEGGIES HASNT IT r u breaking up with me? well fine, ill take the dog ): it's... it's not weird unless we make it weird. and we haven't. have we?
libby
fdsjfjdsl shhhhh, back at you. Patrick Star will be his full name, i promise you this much. as for gender idfk, i am honestly assuming its pronouns lol. i'd be sued by the LGBT community if they knew. also dude, of course. i'll make you cupcakes. plus i know what i wanna buy you! i  can't wait dude what? really?? i thought he was seeing people this whole time, holy shit. dude he's really messed up over this huh? wow, okay, we need to kick this into high gear and have them get back together. tell me your plans. omg, no you clown. i don't even like him that much, he's just pretty. i do like... some personality and he has 0 GOD MY PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED. I CANT BELIEVE IT like i'd ever let you take the dog. she's mine sdfjlkdsfjlk iDK DUDE. I MAY HAVE MADE IT WEIRD BUT WE'RE BAD AT TALKING ABT STUFF, SO WE DONT HAVE TO LOL.
blue
do spiders even have gender i thought they were just the minions of evil lmfao lib u rly dont have to get me anything, really. altho now im curious tbh. but get ready for me to get a lit gift in june >:) ill even wrap it myself which says a lot bc i cant wrap for shit but i want it to be personal lmao not many that im aware of atm. will give u info is this changes. huh we r spies lib. >:) but i dont have any current plans except trying to force them to go in a photo booth together or something when we eventually go to the arcade djsjdh omg how did u know. but idk everyone speaks about him like hes gOD he’s just a dude. eyebrows on fleek tho I will say that IM SO HURT UD USE ME LIKE THIS LIB. ALL THIS TIME WE WERE GETTING CLOSE AND U WERE ONLY HERE FOR THE VEGGIES so u get Spain AND the dog. what do I get, sadness ???? you haven’t made it weird lib, i promise. not to me, anyway. maybe we both wanted the same thing. maybe. oR MAYBE NOT LMFAO but yeah we can talk about whatever lol
libby
don't talk about nate like that omg! i want to, plus its a surprise so no asking what it is. also wow i cant believe you remember my birthday, lol. you dont have to get me anything. you can buy me an ice cream though oh my gOD THAT'S BRILLIANT! aw, what if they take one of those cute kiss pictures in the photobooth like in the movies? i can't wait for them to love each other again, they're so cute. are you jealous that no one is talking about your eyebrows? you have nice eyebrows and nothing to be jealous abt GOD, IM SO SORRY. ROY HIRED ME. HE WAS WORRIED ABT YOUR HEALTH. IM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD /: you get the memory of what we were to keep you warm right, cool. noted
blue
why do u talk about the string bean all the time i know u grew up with him but seriously he's like a pale pipe cleaner that i dont need in my life ofc i remeber ur birthday lib. dont u remember ur 10th?? probably the best day of my life lmao. and if u get me something i get u something thats how this works as long as june doesnt say anything mean and holden say anything stupid, its a pretty solid plan tbh. im not jealous HOW DARE ROY PLAY ME LIKE THIS. cant believe u betrayed me lib, after all we've been through ;-; but what if i want something to sell off now that u took the house oh fuck lib i didn't mean it like that. just... pretend i said nothing ok and. yeah talk about something else
libby
hey sorry, i gotta go. talk tomorrow.
blue
oh is everything ok? but alright talk tomorrow then i guess bye lib
libby
night
blue
its 6pm lib but okay night
blue
lib if i did something u dont have to tell me but pls know i didnt mean it, whatever it was. i hope youre okay. but i wont bother u again i promise. just. yeah
libby
it's okay, dude. i'm fine. it's honestly my own fault, it's not you. you're always great. i'm sorry. it's fine
blue
i dont understand what ur talking about but i can tell u dont want to so ill just... leave this. but you're always great too lib. the greatest, in fact. just let me know if ur still coming to the arcade later or not yeah
libby
i guess i'll go. i like pacman.
blue
if u... if u change ur mind i understand. but i really hope u can make it.
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markblush · 7 years
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92 Q TAG
THIS IS SO LATE I’M SO SORRY!!! BUT THANK U SM FOR TAGGING DEAR FRIEND~~~ @yaballabahiya​
THE LAST …
1. drink: water
2. phone call: my bro
3. text message: “61337 3″ DON’T BE WEIRDED OUT BY THIS CRYPTIC SOUNDING TEXT IT’S WHAT YOU TEXT TO GET WHAT TIME THE BUS IS COMING LmAO
4. song you listened to: lil something - chen & heize THIS SONG IS SUCH A BOP
5. time you cried: I don’t recall! I cry of laughter a lot tho
HAVE YOU EVER …
6. dated someone twice: nope
7. been cheated on: nope
8. kissed someone and regretted it: haven’t had my first kiss yet aHHH
9. lost someone special: yeah
10. been depressed: yeah
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS (12, 13, 14):
LIGHT PINK
LIGHT TURQUOISE
WHITE
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU …
15. made new friends: YEAH MAN
16. fallen out of love: nope
17. laughed until you cried: YEAH
18. found out someone was talking about you: nope
19. met someone who changed you: prob not
20. found out who your true friends are: loWKEY?? NO?
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: nope
GENERAL STUFF
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all except like 4 from tlist
23. do you have any pets: FERRET!!
24. do you want to change your name: nAH
25. what did you do for your last birthday: I usually just celebrate at home
26. what time did you wake up: around 7am
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: DOING MY JAPANESE HWK LMAO
28. name something you cannot wait for: THE DAY I GET A 3DS also grad 
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: few hours ago
30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I could’ve gotten more involved during hs
31. what are you listening to right now: my computer fan LOL
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yep
33. something that is getting on your nerves: my new art teacher dON’T GET ME STARTED 
34. most visited website: fb/youtube
35. elementary school: it’s near my hs lulul
36. high school: IT’S AN AIGHT SCHOOL I’M GRADUATING SOON!!
37. college: i got accepted at a uni but i’m planning on going to an institute
38. hair color: dark brown (pretty much black LOL)
39. long or short hair: long (i’d like to cut it tho!)
40. do you have a crush on someone: irl: kinda on and off BUT ALWAYS PARK JIHOON 
41. what do you like about yourself: im REALLY POSITIVE
42. piercings: ears
43. blood type: here in canada we gotta donate blood to get our blood type but i’m noT OLD ENOUGH TO SO
44. nickname: I HAVE SO MANY some i get called a lot are zo, zoboes, sou, billy, jo, jojo
45. relationship status: single
46. zodiac sign: scorpio
47. pronouns: she/her
48. favorite tv show: I LOVE HXH and nge but hMMM i also rlly like clarence and I STILL LOVE SPONGEBOB IM ACTUALLY 6 YRS OLD
49. tattoos: none
50. righty or lefty: righty
FIRST …
51. surgery: haven’t had one
52. piercing: ears
53. best friend: B CHU.
54. sport: maybe badminton idk i was never rlly that into sports
55. vacation: philippines
56. pair of sneakers: converse maybe
RIGHT NOW …
57. eating: nothin bUT IM RLLY HUNGRY
58. drinking: water
59. i’m about to: sNEEZE, these spring allergies tho
60. listening to: this vid abt kcon la
61. waiting for: MY HOUSE UPGRADE IN ANIMAL CROSSING LMAO
62. do you want kids: ye maybe two 
63. do you want to get married: YEAH
64: what career do you want: concept artist/illustrator
WHICH IS BETTER …
65. hugs or kisses: hugs BUT I’M SURE BOTH ARE NICE
66. lips or eyes: eyes
67. shorter or taller: taller
68. older or younger: older
70. nice arms or nice stomach: hMM i’m pretty equal, either or!
71. sensitive or loud: lOUD bc i’m pre’y loud tbh
72. hook up or relationship: relationship
73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant
HAVE YOU EVER …
74. kissed a stranger: nop
75. drank hard liquor: nop
76. lost glasses/lenses: nope
77. turned someone down: nope, i’M NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TBH
78. had sex on the first date: nop
79. broken someone’s heart: nop
80. had your heart broken: lowkey not really
81. been arrested: nop
82. cried when someone died: yes
83. fallen for a friend: nop
DO YOU BELIEVE IN …
84. yourself: haha no.
85. miracles: yea
86. love at first sight: A LIL BIT but not really
87. santa claus: hELLLLL YEAH but no boi
88. kiss on the first date: maybe! completely depends on the person
89. angels: idk tbh maybe
OTHER …
90. current best friends name: tbh i just have a lot of acquaintances :( i don’t really have a best friend
91. eye color: dark brown
92. favorite movie: GHIBLIIIIII’S esp spirited away, howl’s & whisper of the heart!, girl who leapt through time, grand budapest hotel, meet the robinsons, all the harry potters, xmen movies aND IDK A LOT I LOVE MOVIES 
ill tag: @taeilsgirlfriend, @jaeminnana, & @mkayjaemin
YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE TO DO IT IF U DON WANT TO!!
feel free to do the tag if you come across this post! ^^
have a great day guys!
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