#i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day.

[sciderman]

How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.

i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it

#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet. #i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation. #and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit. #the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it. #she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty. #but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all. #the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape. #people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh. #not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career. #i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation. #capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world. #people should be able to share whatever they want. #people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers. #that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing. #but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick. #i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day. #every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in #i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this. #social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it. #i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now. #sci speaks

[queenie-the-court-jester]

HII, saw your post on wanting asks, well here 🫶 I love talking so, and specifically on playboy yandere!! I'm a sucker for angst and yanderes falling into insanity honestly, so let me ramble a bit

- imagine if reader graduates highschool and gets an overseas scholarships!! They also convince their family to move together with them so Kameron can't hurt or use them to blackmail reader. So with only a break up text saying like "bye manwhore 😍😍", blocking and deleting all their social media, I wonder how long and how far would he take to get reader back again? Would he inherit his parent's riches, hire some private investigatiors to find reader and find the country they're living in, expand his business over to their country in order to gain power to trap his darling. And I wonder how deranged his reaction would be to reader's text and be like no way, they're joking right, and runs to their house and whatever usual spots they're at normally, and just break down into insanity. would he try to use substitutes for reader to maintain his sanity or go fully devoid of emotions and start working hard to gain power and influence to find reader again!! I'm also curious how he would process his darling leaving him, would he become delusional first, saying they got kidnapped or something, or some ex or fling of his hurt reader, and then proceed to anger, depression, grief and then finally accept the reality!!

Ok that's a lot of rambling 😭😭 hope it's okay. I rlly enjoyed that fic, was rent FREE in my mind for a whole day

you know luci, you just gave me an idea. So have a part TWO of THIS DUMBASS HOE 🤝

Yandere playboy x reader

Tw: mentions of murder, kameron being delulu, yandere and obsessive behavior

💋kameron was having another breakdown. Sobbing pathetically on the floor of your old bedroom. Just how did you run away? And on such short notice too!? Didn't his love mean anything to you!? WHY DID YOU ABANDON HIM?

💋a million thoughts swirled through his head, until he finally got one that just... stuck. He had to get you back. No matter how long it takes. Getting up and dusting himself off, he kicked the front door open and quickly left the empty house

💋it was a shame really. The once sane and popular boy was struggling to keep his image. So he got help. Not professional as in therapists and medication. Just hiring other students to cover for him Incase he slipped up. all while snooping through the head teachers computer to see if they had any notes on where you might have gone. He almost got caught a few times

"shit that was close.. i can't believe these idiots leave their passwords just anywhere"

💋he knew he shouldn't be back at the school, especially since he graduated but he needs all the information he can get. Eventually moving onto private investigators and online stalking through multiple other accounts. He'd try anything just to see what his darling was doing without him. Were you enjoying making him suffer? You're so cruel..

💋hiring other people to befriend you and lower your guard, gathering any Information they can

💋 kameron who spent a while convincing his parents to let him take hold of the company. He had a degree, a bright mind, responsibility. He's perfect for the job! Oh if only they knew where his 60% was going.. funding multiple businesses across the world in exchange for keeping a careful eye. Making him quite the celebrity

💋look darling! He's on the news-! ...oh right you're not here.. one evening, while working in his office, a new secretary comes in to introduce themselves. They look just like you! He could only stare in shock.

"my love..? Is that you!?"

"..who?"

💋turns out it was just a doppelganger. But with enough time he'd delude himself into thinking it was you. Courting them with the same flowers, chocolates and jewelry he'd given you. It worked like a charm! Now you were back In their arms again. They felt whole..

💋he married your lookalike a year later, the poor fool being too naive and oblivious to think. He was happy for awhile.. or until one of his P.I's came in to show him they found you. His reality started to break.

💋no.. how could he do this to you. Replacing you with some cheap street whore. That night, when they went to bed, he gave them a cup of water and smiled sweetly. Watching as their face went red and they started to cough for air after gulping it down. Clawing at the sheets and staring at him with wide fearful eyes. Begging him to help them

"...slut."

💋 burrying the body in his backyard, he paid people with underground connections to cover for him while he was away. Claiming they suddenly vanished, having run away with a small fortune. How idiotic are people, to actually believe him..

💋kameron disguised himself and went straight for the country you decided to flee too. 5 years apart from you.. he had no idea how he managed to live so long without his beloved, but it was all worth it. Because now you'll be back where you belong. In his arms.

💋you were busy working at your job, running a small business was no joke but atleast the people in the area were friendly. So you didn't notice the suited figure Infront of your cash register

"thank you, please come again-"

💋you froze, looking up at the terrifyingly familiar face. He stared back at you with only glee and love

"hello my darling~ you've been on a naughty streak for a while Haven't you? That's okay, I'll just set you straight when we go back home."

💋big burly men all blocked you from escaping by guarding the doors. Dragging all the other customers out so you both could have your moment. Now you could never leaver leave him. Ever.

#yandere x reader #yandere x darling #queenie writes #queenie ocs #ocs #yandere #yandere male #yandere male x reader #male yandere #male yandere x reader #Yandere oc x reader #Oc x reader #Oc #Kameron the playboy #yandere headcanons

[lizlovestofangirl]

ur social media au’s are sO GOOD i’m so invested👀 can you do a social media au with luke castellan x daughter of hades where she’s super into poetry (like edgar allen poe, etc)

"take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die"

luke castellan x daughterofhades!poet!reader

smau - luke is y/n's muse

🎧 - the lakes by taylor swift

a/n: omg tysm and thank you so much for requesting! i added a little gracie abrams (in this au the reader's poetry is gracie's lyrics) because her writing is super poetic but i still kept the poe! i hope you like this!

*swearing, not checked so there might be mistakes*

--------------------------------------------------------

liked by itslukecastellan, whosannabeth, and others

yn_yln writing about you 🤍

tagged itslukecastellan

view comments:

larueclarisse UR THE CUTEST

yn_yln LITERALLY YOU CLAR

larueclarisse AWEEEE

liked by author

itslukecastellan love you poe

yn_yln if its not obvious enough already i love you more

larueclarisse bro who tf calls their gf poe 💀

itslukecastellan what? her favorite poet is edgar allen poe

percy.jackson WOW youre invested in the dead aesthetic y/n

_groverunderwood PERCY

whosannabeth PERCY

larueclarisse wait thats really cute

whosannabeth THATS SO GOOD Y/N/N

yn_yln thank youuu 😊

percy.jackson really living up to the depressing hades aesthetic

yn_yln if you don't quit soon you'll be dead but not in an aesthetic way 🥰

percy.jackson noted

silenaaaa i love love and i love you

yn_yln ily sel

itslukecastellan oh so i make you nervous?

yn_yln shut up

silenaaa LUKE THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THIS APP

rachel.edare pls write my wedding vows when i get married

yn_yln ofc

_groverunderwood watching you try and get the perfect library pic was so funny 💀

yn_yln shut up

percy.jackson HAHAHAHAHA

iamchrisrodriguez @itslukecastellan i dont think you understand how lucky you are man

larueclarisse you've put yourself on thin ice

itslukecastellan trust me i do

whosannabeth chris i know what you were going for but this was not smart

iamchrisrodriguez i know that now

liked by yn_yln, _groverunderwood, and others

itslukecastellan does your girl write poetry about you? didnt think so.

tagged yn_yln

view comments:

_groverunderwood ok this is sickeningly adorable

itslukecastellan thanks bro

yn_yln my muse 🤍

itslukecastellan 😍

larueclarisse hes giggling and blushing rn

yn_yln fr?

whosannabeth can confirm

itslukecastellan leave me alone

yn_yln NEVER MUAHAHAH

iamchrisrodriguez @larueclarisse am i ur muse?

larueclarisse uh

itslukecastellan lmao

larueclarisse y/n quit doing adorable shit for luke chris is getting mad

yn_yln sorryyyyyy

whosannabeth edgar allen poe who?

yn_yln HIGHEST COMPLIMENT

itslukecastellan except shes hot too

percy.jackson good job luke a girl isnt repulsed by you

itslukecastellan stfu

whosannabeth HAHAHA

silenaaa have i mentioned that i love love?

itslukecastellan yes

yn_yln yes

rachel.edare SO CUTE

itslukecastellan i know she is

yn_yln's story

view reply from percy.jackson:

percy.jackson ENOUGH WE GET IT UR AESTHETIC IS DEAD DEPRESSION

yn_yln i'm going to kill you in your sleep (aesthetically ofc)

view reply from itslukecastellan:

itslukecastellan you make me insane

yn_yln good

view reply from larueclarisse:

larueclarisse AWEEE

larueclarisse also stop chris is on my ass rn about doing cute stuff

yn_yln just tell him a song that makes you think of him and he'll stfu

larueclarisse what song 💀

yn_yln literally any love song

larueclarisse meh

#luke castellan fluff #luke castellan imagine #luke castellan smau #luke castellan x hades! reader #percy jackson #percy series #pjo smau #luke castellan pjo #pjo #lizlovestofangirl #lizlovestofangirl smau #smau #percy jackson smau #percy jackson imagine #luke castellan x poet!reader

[kiefbowl]

you know those anti smoking posters and ads that would show the timeline of what happens to you after you quit smoking starting from like 15 minutes and going into months and then years etc etc? like this:

I have no idea how scientific any of that is, that's just all preamble to give context to my other point: I feel like I can physically feel changes in my brain the longer away from the internet I am. Possibly psychosomatic, I'd be willing to concede that. But I feel like as my current job has left me with little to do but browse the internet all day, my social media and internet usage is way up again, and with that comes weird symptoms I've started to associate with it: brain fog, lack of focus, erratic thoughts, headaches, thought loops, low estimation of my capabilities, lack of trust in my own memory, and weird preoccupation with time and death. Granted, I struggle with depression and anxiety, but paired with increased internet usage I seem even more hyper vigilant at observing my internalization and I become extremely disconnected with my external realities, even so far as wondering "is this real?" That's at the most extreme end, usually I think I have over-all a pretty healthy relationship with the internet, especially due to great practice and awareness over the past few years, but can slide into over-usage pretty quickly. I've felt more aware of these "symptoms" as I've practice things like taking hiatuses (which I recommend) of all different lengths.

This moment in time I feel the most aware of the phenomenon of increased internet usage = symptoms impacting my physical life, maybe due to age or my increased awareness. The other day I realized the thought I was having was just an image looping in my mind like a gif. I was like...am I literally not thinking of anything? But the ability to recognize it stopped it and then I spent the rest of the day away from the computer and my phone and realized my mood was better and I was more present by the end of the day when at the beginning of the day I felt like I couldn't keep a straight thought about anything. I've also realized (in this current past few weeks) I've gotten into a habit of opening too many things on the internet...I'll open a youtube video and as it's loading, open tumblr, and as I'm scrolling realizing I've seen most the posts, so then I open a browser game, but that's boring, so I'm checking my email, and that reminds me of a task I haven't done but when I open another tab I can't remember it already so I'm back at the youtube video....trying to do eight things at once but never really fully committed to any of them. It's freaky to realize you've fallen into this habit when you can spend hours of the day acting like a normal person!

But that's the reason I bring up the cigarette posters is that the effects of "quitting" the internet seem almost immediate. I put my phone in the other room and sit with a book and the first few pages feel excruciating, but if I make myself keep going, 15 minutes later I'm reading like a normal person and yet part of my brain is going "why did you think that this was hard it's just reading so weird so weird so weird" and then 30 minutes later that part of my brain is silent and I'm really reading and it's fine. And I also notice when I leave the house, it takes any activity at all to get lost into being alive again rather than hyper vigilantly observing myself. But so many kids (and adults) joke about not wanting to leave the house. I think for normal and otherwise healthy people, you could easily reverse the effects of anti-social behavior your internet usage is convincing you of by simply "touching grass" (lol), but a lot of people are convinced of some intrinsic truth about themselves because they aren't as critical of their internet usage as other people are, so they don't see the connection between their usage and their life choices. You could literally go for a walk and feel normal again.

I don't really have a conclusion except maybe that the brain is very fascinating, and it's very capable of absorbing so much information at once, that to give it care we need to not overload it. But what I've found to work for me is to not "shut if off" but give it something else to do...a book to read, an art project, an errand to complete. These are thoughts I've been collecting in my mind for years but never felt the need to make a long winded post about, until recently when my circumstances change and that was enough to ramp up my internet usage after a lot of work to be more conscientious about it. I really wrote this off the hip, I just wanted to get some thoughts down.

[dropintomanga]

Sometimes, Mental Health Pros Suck - On ANN's Pulled Nagata Kabi Review

So I heard something controversial happened in the world of manga reviews. And it quite happens to revolve around a manga figure a lot of people know too well - Nagata Kabi.

Nagata's latest release in the U.S., My Pancreas Broke, But My Life Got Better, was reviewed by Anime News Network. While I normally find their reviews of manga to be fine, something about this one ticked off A LOT of people on social media. Then I heard it got pulled off the website a few days after it was published, but I later found it via Archive.org.

So I read what the review was like and there's a few points that came to my mind.

First, I can see why people were saying the reviewer, who is an actual mental health professional, was condescending towards Nagata's experiences. Throughout all of her works, Nagata always seems to be going through something. It can make someone think that she's not trying hard enough, especially if you're a professional whose job is to help people like Nagata.

Second, the reviewer expressed frustration over Nagata not getting better. Maybe some of the frustration is warranted, but the thing is the reviewer doesn't really know, know Nagata. They're only getting a glimpse of Nagata's personality through her works. While the works do provide a clear and often heavy picture of her life so far, I don't think they tell the whole story. I remember Nagata saying she struggles with how she portrays herself in her memoir manga compared to how she is in person. There's always multiple layers to a person.

Lastly, I know people are saying "How dare they call themselves a mental health pro if they are acting like an insensitive prick." My response to that is because psychiatry/psychology has become a conflict-riddled field where some professionals turn out to be pricks. They are taught a very Western way of thinking in that the individual has no one to blame but themselves for whatever mental health disorder they have. All of the solutions should be placed in the hands of the individual. A lot of mental health professionals aren't trained well enough to strongly consider factors (i.e. cultural/socioeconomic) outside of the individual that cause people to have mental distress.

While it does suck that Nagata seems to have something going on most of the time, I do want her to be okay. I don't want her to force herself to be happy for the sake of other people. I have a lot of compassion for Nagata. While the reviewer says that she should get the professional help she needs and considering the reviewer's earlier comments, I honestly don't know if it might be the best idea for Nagata.

A long while back, when I was in therapy, my social worker switched me to a different psychiatrist than the one I was seeing at the time. I was originally under a Chinese psychiatrist, but my social worker said the new one fitted my schedule more. So I said alright. The new psychiatrist was a really old white male in his '60s-'70s with glasses. When I saw them for the first time, one of the first questions he asked was "How is my sex life?" I was aghast and questioned why he asked that. Then he went on to say "Maybe you should get a girlfriend. It can help your depression." Over the next few sessions, that psychiatrist's line of questioning about my well-being became a bit too personal to my liking. I told him to stop asking those questions and he apologized. I later told my social worker that I don't want to see him anymore despite her saying that he's a funny guy.

Seeing that review made me think about that awful psychiatrist experience I had and I do not want Nagata to go through moments like that because there's a good amount of bad apples in the mental health industry.

I'm glad ANN took down that review because they're not mental health professionals. And people like that reviewer are one of the big reasons why I got rid of the Manga Therapy name. I don't think professionals have all the answers to life's problems.

Going forward, there was a good question asked on social media - how do you make mental illness relatable to those who don’t have it? That's hard because mental illness is always portrayed as "crazy", "sick", "mad", etc. While it's clear that extreme forms of mental illness can be problematic, I feel that depression and anxiety are normal signs that the world is messed up. You think that people in power want to admit that they're the ones causing a lot of mental health problems?

You know, I think all people living with mental illness want is to not just be relatable - they want compassion, that's it.

And in a way that doesn't come off as something that sounds too much like a professional/expert, but more from an actual human being that doesn't have to act like one.

#mental health #therapy #industry #manga #community #mental health industry #Nagata Kabi

[barbara-herself]

Anger

I used to feel a lot of anger, daily. I was an irritable driver, a perfectionist mentor to my new colleagues, a short-tempered romantic partner. I hated my anger and I hated myself for it. I hated who I was when I was angry, and from that self loathing more anger brewed. After I've started antidepressants, a lot of the anger went away - at least most of it. I still get angry, but in the right moments, I think. I want to note down what I've learned so far - as a synopsis for my later self, a checkpoint to which later on I can come back to and see if I still feel the same way I do now.

Being an irritable driver might just mean you are living in a city where there is little to no driving culture or you yourself shouldn't be driving a car. I was privileged enough to move to Sweden, where it is absolutely unnecessary to drive a car to get to places. I have sold my car and couldn't be happier with the decision.

Antidepressants do help, even if you feel like you've got it all together. I did go through a number of moderately bad mental breakdowns in my life, but found myself bouncing back relatively quickly, so I never thought I'd need chemical intervention in my brain. However, taking antidepressants has enabled me to have a prolonged amount of time where I could concentrate on what is making me angry and work on those parts. It is much easier to establish healthy habits when you are not constantly circling between depression, self loathing and fury.

Healthy habits - finding whatever works for you can take some time, but everyone has things they must do to feel better. I know that for me I must absolutely do a bit of yoga, take a walk (unless I'm sick), eat at least one healthy meal, brush my teeth and stick to my skincare routine daily. It sounds very minimal and obvious, but I have struggled with these things and figuring it out felt like an epiphany. Now these are unconditional, must-do things in my life.

I have absolutely no idea where the hell am I going in life and I have to learn to be okay with the discomfort of not knowing.

No one actually ever reaches "mental healthiness". We're all idiots on a rock in space. Even those people on youtube who say they know how to heal your trauma and mental illnesses probably have no clue what they're talking about (except for a very minimal few).

Read books and create art. Books are a great way to entertain yourself, learn new things and just have a good time. I barely ever use social media now. At first it was weird and I didn't know where to put myself in moments of waiting for a train or right before falling asleep, but the realization that staring at the ceiling was going to make me happier than staring at tiktoks has helped me overcome the doomscrolling addiction. I still do scroll, but not as much as I did before. Creating art is a great way (at least for me) to lose myself for a moment and project my thoughts and feelings onto a piece of paper.

If a study programme and/or a job makes you lose your mind and cry and vomit, consider a different path in life, if possible. Maybe this is not for you. Perhaps it was for you a year ago and now it is not - this is fine, it happens all the time. If you can't change it - sucks to be you. I guess you must stick it out then? I don' know, I'm too stupid for situations like these.

If you find yourself feeling very lonely, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Right now I'm in the weird stage in life where I've cut out quite a lot of toxic people, so I only talk to my boyfriend and I sometimes call two other friends from my home country. I am struggling to find social connections in Sweden, but I'm glad I'm not settling just for anything - I have tried a few different activities, I have learned that the people associated with it are not for me and I have moved on. I trust that I will find meaningful connections someday.

One of the jobs I've tried working had a team building exercise where we had to introduce ourselves and share one of our dreams. In that moment I realized I didn't have a dream I could share, because I didn't have dreams at all - at the ripe old age of 22 I didn't have a single dream I could think of in that moment. I remember stammering "Well, it's not a dream, but rather a plan - I want to have a PhD in chemistry one day." Today, I realized that ever since I have started writing my novel, I have dreams again - quite a lot of them, actually. This must be a good sign.

Finally - taking breaks is great. Taking one big break is good. Taking a few small breaks is amazing. Pausing work and studies for a moment doesn't mean I'm lazy, it just means that I know what's good for me. I have a rule now - never in my life is there a planned activity that is more important than me having a good night's sleep, a proper shit or a good lunch. Leaving the room in the middle of a useless corporate meeting for a pee is liberating. You and only you will ever know when you need a break. Right now I'm on a two-month study break and it's great and also terrifying. I'm learning to live with myself and love myself.

#writers on tumblr #writing #spilled words #words #spilled thoughts #writers and poets #trauma #mental health #my journey #anger #writeblr #writerscommunity #female writers #writblr #creative writing

[calliettes-posts]

okay so contrary to what many fans feel like (even me for the longest time), i'm actually starting to feel quite okay with the door thing being dragged out. solely bc we are watching teenagers in real time. It was anaïs' first ever crime and she was stuck between two of the people she loves most. i wouldn't have known what to do either at that age. I honestly feel like it's really realistic that she walked around with it for that long. okay granted, im still pissed at some of the writing choices, bc they made Bobbie loose all of her well roundedness as a character and im still pissed af they added that SA storyline. and the fact that it's again the black girl that has to take everyone into consideration. like pls how much shit did they throw on her this season? (maybe bv we called ada's season a snoozefest?? idk?) but i'm really feeling okay with everyting. between a&b too. They've reconciled and honestly there's still a lot they have to figure out, but i'm fine with that being something we'll see snippets of in the next season. i'm trying to channel my inner 16 yo. If i would have gone through the same shit they've encountered i wouldn't be where they are. they are actually willing to listen and grow!! we've seen this in bobbie and their friends! i'm actually so done with the narrative that everyone is shitty to anaïs. they're only just starting to navigate their way into adulthood. they've been noticing shit! shit man i was a depressed fuck going out with fake ID's and at one point i fell in love with a girl while still dating another. but still hella insecure and i was pretty bad at making friends irl so i spent most of my time on here. my life was freaking messy too. as a viewer it's easy to want shit resolved or see progression sooner bc it's more entertaining to watch. but i feel like they've done a great job taking in consideration we are watching them in real time. (if we forget how shitty the wtfock team is with their social media, i'm begging again, hire one of us pls). idk i'm just really happy to see this kind of representation in an original season. let's not forget we all loved sobbe, zoenne and like in other countries the other remakes bc it was tried and tested!! Imo wtfock had really redeemed itself after ada's season and they've taken notes from druck and skam france. good notes. end of rant.

That's actually a very interesting take, I haven't thought about it this way tbh. I think my biggest problem was that they added dramatic plots and dragged them out, just to resolve them in 1 minute clips, like why was there so much build up just for it not to matter in the end? And with the door plot, my biggest issue was that we saw the same conversation over and over again, but tbf, like you said, it kind of makes sense for Anais to act this way, i just wish theyd put more emphasis on her dilemma, if that makes sense, and if we had more social media, maybe I would've felt differently Also I felt like they put too much importance on Hanne and Bobbie instead of Anais, the actual main, because we had lots of plot lunes for her established in the first season, just to abandon in the 2nd half, and quickly resolve them last minute, and let's not even talk about the sa plot, that was so unnecessary

Tbh, I also think Anais season is way better than Adas, especially the first half of the season, it was more entertaining to watch, and the plotlines were all connected with eachother

#wtfock #ask #anaïs davis #bobbie de bruyn #anobbie #tw: sa

[bronzewool]

So, recently I just learned Relocation Depression is a thing.

Which isn't something I would normally associate with myself because my family moved around pretty much my entire life. Maybe my parents did a good job of cushioning the blow by turning it into an adventure. Moving means a brand new bedroom I get to paint, a brand new park to play in, a brand new forest to explore, a brand new school where my bullies don't go to. Sure, my old friends wouldn't be there but I have my older brother, and he's already my best friend so its fine.

This time however I'm not feeling the old joys of being in a new place, decorating my own apartment, trying new food, and making new friends. Everyone I love is now in a different time zone so now I have to workaround when is the best time to call. I can't see them on a whim anymore, can't tell them I how weird it feels being in a different country where the culture is different, the rules are different, the people are different and you feel like an oddity for just being yourself.

Lately I just feel tired.

I've felt tired for a while but I think I've just been ignoring the signs. I have trouble convincing myself to go to bed when I'm tired, I keep jolting awake at 3am convinced I overslept, and I'm stressed out at work. I'm gonna be taking on more responsibility and its becoming very clear there are gaps in my knowledge that I need to fix before anyone finds out I'm way underqualified. My new co-workers said some pretty transphobic shit over the course of my first week. To the point I've now associated the word "mental case" with my own sense of self because that's what they believe someone like me is. A mental case.

My gender dysphoria has shot through the roof, so now I'm stress eating again which is just feeding my dysphoria even more. I'm painfully aware I don't fit into my favourite jeans anymore, my fat is hanging in the wrong places on my hips, my breasts are getting bigger, and I couldn't come out of the closet even if I wanted to because my brain won't be satisfied until I "look how I'm suppose to look". Enby folk are all beautiful skinny androgynous people with dyed hair. I don't look like that, so I avoid looking in mirrors and critique my height, high-pitched voice and the other girly parts I want to hack off with a knife.

Worse, I can't escape my own thoughts because I constantly make excuses for why I don't have the time to enjoy any of my hobbies. Can't write my original story because I have a backlog of fanfics I wanna write. Oh, can't write any of these fics because there's too many WIPs and I'm overwhelmed by choice. I wanna RP again but I have too many muses fighting for attention and the muse I want to write for needs their own blog and that's my least favourite part of the process.

Writing is overbearing, lets do something else instead.

I want to practise drawing my own characters, but I lost any skill I had as a kid and its gonna take way too long to catch up and be where I need to be...maybe I should just watch youtube tutorials instead of practising.

I wanna learn Spanish on my commute to work, oh but I always listen to audible in the car. Which one do I pick? Maybe I should just listen to music that doesn't require me to pay attention.

I downloaded a ton of games to play so maybe I can do that instead. No, I'm not a little kid anymore. I'll just feel guilty for wasting the entire day away playing video games instead of doing chores.

Maybe I could watch this series on my watch list? No, I'm not really in the mood to give this thing my full attention...maybe I should just scroll social media. That doesn't require any brain power. Social media is always there for me. It would never hurt me.

I'm sad now...Maybe I should quit social media...but what else would I do?...Wow I'm lonely. I should talk to my friends...but its been years and I'm sure they're busy...and its gonna be weird to jump out of the blue asking to pick up where we left off...is that selfish?...Wanting to rekindle a friendship because you're lonely?...That doesn't sound like something a good friend would do...I wish I was a good person...maybe I would have done a better job of making time for my friends...I miss them...I'm sorry I was a shit friend...I wish we could go back to college and start over...I promise I'll appreciate you this time around...But you're married and have different prioritise now...it sounds nice having a roommate...it sounds nice having someone to go home to...

#Negative #personal #tbd #gender dysphoria #body dysphoria #basically my brain is picking apart my sense of self #and its getting harder to argue as the years go by

[weirdthingsphanniessay]

Some thoughts on Dystopia Daily aka Dan's Last Attempt At YouTube.

"[Dystopia Daily] may not be daily" - Weird but ok.

"I am finally just gonna give the people and the algorithm what they ask for"; "I am here to create some fucking content (...) my way" - So which one is it, their way or your way?

"I would like to open each episode of "Dystopia Daily" with a monologue about the times that we live in. Something topical, personal, controversial, sexual maybe, I dunno, whatever." - So which one is it, rambling about the world or rambling about yourself?

"I dunno what I wanna do with my life because I don't know what I want." - You're a rich 31-year-old man, not a helpless teenager. Get off the internet, get intensive therapy, and get yourself together. Find hobbies and a job that actually fulfil you.

"More attention? God, please no." - Why are you still a public internet personality then?

"Money? Yeah, I've been ruined by stupid leftist YouTubers and Twitter accounts. And now I'm some bloody, low-key socialist that can't live without the guilt." - Get off the internet, leave your bubble, and use that money you feel guilty about to do good in the world.

"Is it just sex?" - Your sex jokes stopped being funny 5 years ago. Stop.

"after having my dreams disintegrated by an uncaring corporate cog in the machine, and thusly relearning how to be cripplingly depressed for a while after I literally wrote the book about looking after your mental health..." - You had to face rejection. Welcome to life. You're also a hypocrite, cool.

"The problem with everything I aspire to do with my life off social media is it has to be on someone else's terms, and their timeline" - Again, welcome to life you privileged dumbass. Do you think you're the first and only person ever who faces challenges and has to make compromises with other people and still gets disappointed every now and then? Who do you think you are?

"Every day, I am tempted to just go live in the woods, but you keep asking me to come back, trapping me in this liminal hell where I can neither fully follow my dreams or just frolic in the forest and finally be free." - Don't shift the responsibility. Go live in the woods if you want to, no one's trapping you. Stop acting like a martyr. Your fans will be fine.

"What I wanna know is what happens after [burning out]?" You either (1) quit for good, (2) reinvent yourself and your act, or (3) continue to spiral while the world is watching. I can think of several Youtuber examples for each option, and right now it looks like you're on the way to #3.

"I have developed a total phobia of social media, which as someone who is reliant on two apps to live is a bit of a fuckin' problem."; "I feel like I cannot tweet without…"; "On Instagram, my problem is…"; "I really dunno where to go from here" - Get help for your social media addiction and get off the internet.

"I am afraid to upload anything unless it's a fuckin' feature film"; "I have somehow pushed myself into a corner where I can't create a clip unless I got some kind of bomb to drop or trauma to mine for content."; "I care way too much about what people think and what it all means." - It means you need to grow thicker skin or get off the internet and get a job where you aren't exposing yourself to millions of people.

"have I just let various paranoias mutate unchecked and trap me in a prison of my own toxic thoughts?" - Probably.

"I am in terminally online rehabilitation, just trying to learn to shitpost again and find some serotonin somewhere. So this show here is a immersion therapy." - No, you should definitely try to find serotonin elsewhere. Offline. Actual therapy, and hobbies and work that have nothing to do with the internet.

"They say the best way to face your fears is head on. So I am here and I'm queer and I am just gonna force myself through the tears."; "I just wanna show the world and show you that even when every part of you is screaming not to do something, sometimes, you should just go for it" - Sometimes, the fear you feel is there for a reason and you should listen to it because it's trying to protect you. Again, stop being a martyr.

"[We're All Doomed]'s a show I made to just give me something to head towards to save my own life" - If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

[charlie-minion]

Who am I?

I feel like I should start this journey by introducing myself. My name is Karla, but I never use my real name in any of my social media platforms. I am more used to being Charlie, and I think it is because “Karla” is the person I am in “real life”, the one I am supposed to be, the one who has a specific role. On the contrary, Charlie is my pure essence, or at least the person I’m still trying to figure out. Charlie is me without other people’s expectations, and I like that a lot. So, for all intents and purposes, please call me Charlie.

I will turn 37 years old in two months. I have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree, but I stopped working 5 years ago. I used to be a teacher and worked mostly with teenagers for around 12 years. Nowadays, the thought of being in a classroom makes me anxious beyond belief. I don’t know why, though. I used to really love my profession, but I guess that trying to hide your depression while pretending to be a joyous person takes a toll on you.

Oh, there’s that! I have been dealing with depression basically my whole life. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2018. When I stopped working, or better said, when I got fired from my last job at the end of 2017, I was having the worst year of my life. I attempted suicide at least three times only that year. I was done. I was in excruciating emotional pain. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist, but bless their souls, they did not help me much. I had been diagnosed with clinical depression and was medicated, but I saw no improvement whatsoever, and it makes sense since I had bipolar not depression. So, when I got fired, I decided to take a break because I was too emotionally unstable to look for a new job. That break became longer than expected because I haven’t had a formal job since then.

I identify myself as demisexual and biromantic. I only feel attracted towards people when I have formed some sort of emotional bond. Physical attraction doesn’t make me want to date someone. I can appreciate the aesthetic form of the human body, male or female, but I won’t want to be romantically involved with them, no matter how attractive they are, unless I bond with them on an emotional level first. And yes, when I say male or female, that’s what I mean. That’s the biromantic part of me. I don’t care whether the people I fall for are men or women. I haven’t met non-binary, gender fluid, or trans people in person yet, so I can’t talk about that for now, but I'm sure I wouldn’t mind that either. I just don’t really care about people’s genitals or what gender they identify as (if they do at all).

I was married to a man. It ended quite fast and quite badly, but he’s been a good friend for the last few years after our divorce. I was engaged twice before I got married. They were very painful experiences that left me a lot of wounds to heal. I have also been involved with women. The most significant one was good until it became long distance. I have had my fair share of catastrophic relationships and my unstable, undiagnosed mental illness didn’t help at all. I am nowadays single because I am still trying to figure out what I want or if I even want to have someone by my side. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that gets in the way when I try to have a romantic relationship, so I’ve grown a little disillusioned because of that. For now, I think it’s better to have a relationship with myself –something I still struggle with.

I don’t have children, but that was a decision I made for myself a long time ago. I can barely take care of myself. My emotional well-being is a roller coaster, so how could I even think of having to care for another human being? I could lose my shit at any moment and actually end up killing myself, so what would happen to the child? Because of all that, I got sterilized a month ago. It’s funny because I don’t really have a male partner right now, but that could change in the future. What I know for sure will never change is my decision to not have children. Not now, not ever. 

I live alone and have seven beautiful cats. I have been very independent since I finished college. I don’t like to live with other people because I am also an introvert, so I need a lot of time by myself. Cats, on the other hand, are the most precious company I could ask for. They remind me of myself because they are also very independent. One of them, Jerry, is 11 years old, and he has traveled out of the country with me twice. The others are: Lily (3 years old), Debby (2), and Jimmy, Charlie, Abby, and Anny (all four of them 11 months old). The last four were born in my house, when I adopted Debby, the night she was giving birth to them. Debby and Lily were stray cats that I adopted and neutered. Jerry was born where I used to work at the time, but someone was trying to find homes for the kitties, and I adopted the one nobody else wanted because he was the smallest one. He is now a huge, gorgeous, spoiled, and still very healthy senior cat. 

I am sort of retired now. I don’t have plans to work in education anymore. I am lucky enough to be able to make a living without working. My mom gave me a very big house that I sold to buy a much smaller one where I now live. I invested the rest of the money, and now I make a living out of the interests. I am an occasional freelance, though. As I am bilingual, I do translations for a couple of lawyers in my country when they need my services. In 2018, I got a job as the vice-principal in a private school, but when I read the contract and noticed some things, I just refused to sign and didn’t accept the job. I haven’t been actively looking for a job since then because I realized that I didn’t want to go back to that life. I chose my peace over making more money.  I was lucky that when the pandemic started, I was already retired, so I could continue to focus on my mental health. 

I think this is a very good overview of who I am and where I am in life now. My experience with bipolar and how having a wrong diagnosis for years made it all so hard should be a post of its own. Also, little by little, I’ll pour my soul here because I am in the process of figuring stuff out, and I can only do that when I write. You see? I learned from a very early age not to express wants or needs, and I got so used to being low-maintenance that now when I try to identify MY wants and needs, I have a really hard time. I cannot express them; I cannot even differentiate them from the wants and needs of other people that I tend to put first. However, when I write, it’s like I open a door to my psyche that allows me to see things I didn’t know were there. That’s the main reason why I want to start doing this again. I need to know what I want in life because right now I feel very much stuck.

If you read all this, thank you very much. I’ll come back soon with more. For now, this is me. This is Charlie.

#charlie talks #personal #chapter 1 #about me #who am i

[fereldanwench]

so husbando and i checked out of our dragoncon hotel a couple of hours ago and are getting settled back in at home.

this was the first time since our weekend getaway to quebec in 2019 that we had taken a trip together. not like we went far--we were still in the atlanta area, but we left our home and kitties for about 4 days, which was a little nerve-wracking at first. i even bought a camera to check in on the cats, which i never thought i'd do, lmao. (and they were fine.) ((said camera was immediately unplugged and going into my closet now bc these things honestly kind of freak me out.))

we've attended every dragoncon since 2012--we even took the weekend off in 2020 to make the most of the virtual event and try to recapture some of the magic at home, which was surprisingly fun. the 2021 con was weird and a little depressing in hindsight. i probably wouldn't have even gone if i hadn't let my 2020 tickets roll over, but it was very limited (with good reason, of course) and we didn't have a hotel so ubering sucked. (i also got royally screwed on our trip back that saturday when they overcharged me $50 which still makes me rage.)

i wasn't sure if we'd be able to do it this year on account of the job situation (or lack thereof), but i found a room in one of the overflow hotels that wasn't too bad, and we were a little more frugal with the food and drink spending this year. the hotel was a little dingy and kind of far from the main action, but it was better than ubering. it did prevent me from cosplaying because i didn't want to deal with that hike (or the shuttle bus with an erratic schedule) in the atlanta humidity while fighting with a costume, but in recent years i had started to prioritize comfort over cosplay anyway.

i did drink, and the dull, persistent headache i woke up with this morning was a reminder why i quit for over a year, lmao. letting loose was fun, though. finding perches to people-watch and listen to the live performers and banter with strangers while having a beverage was always one of my favorite things to do at the convention.

i didn't really take any pictures other than a few shots of the buildings--not using social media outside of fandom really has pulled me away from the impulse to document every single event in my life and just exist in the moment. i know it sounds like a cliche, but it is really nice. (although i am glad that i have almost a decade's worth of pics from previous dragoncons. something something balance or whatever.)

it was a good weekend all in all and i love having dragoncon as a sort of farewell to summer, but this is probably gonna be the last dragoncon for us, at least for a few years. i remember towards the end of the weekend in 2019 i had started to feel like maybe it was time to take a break, but then 2020 happened and i was grasping to any sense of normality and comfort i could find. i think that kind of pulled me back to seeking a familiar experience.

but it's expensive, it's claimed every labor day weekend for the past decade, and even though it is a very unique convention experience, i feel like i've gotten all i can get from it. my priorities have shifted a lot in the past few years, and i'd rather start putting this money and time to new adventures and experiences that better reflect and nurture that growth.

i'm really grateful that i got to do this for 10 straight years, and i've had some absolutely incredible moments at dragoncon, but yeah. it's just time for something new. 💙

#t: wench.txt #also still on my psuedo hiatus thingy #will be back in full force next monday

[justratbrainsoup]

yapping bc why not? 🤷🏾‍♀️

(warning: me talking about anything and everything because I want to shout into the void) ((to be kind, i will number every "coherent" thought and add a keep reading))

(trigger warning: mention of anxiety, mention of depression, maladaptive coping (drinking), mention of alcohol consumption, mention of alcoholism)

lots of words below the cut

the negative stuff (bc this is what caused this post) :

i hate asking for things (whether it be help or for someone to do something) because i think the worst will happen (them saying no or being like "oh my god why would you ask me to do that") so when people DO say the 'worst' it makes me spiral immediately (important context: i have anxiety (and depression, but we'll circle back to that) that has plagued me for like 11 years now)

speaking of my anxiety, it is mostly social anxiety at times, but it fucks up most of my life. i have such a hard time talking to new people sometimes. recently (like 2-ish years ago), i learned that that anxiety extends to interacting with people on social media (mostly comments/meaningful retweets/ meaningful reblogs). i've gotten a bit better about it, i occasionally will comment on a tiktok, but even then it's like pulling teeth. i would love to reblog stuff from my favorite writers on here, but i just can't, you know?

sometimes to deal with 'feeling bad' (being depressed) i'll drink just to attempt to feel better. (i'm majoring in psychology. i know that it'll only make it worse and it won't help. i still do it because i just don't care sometimes i guess.) it's truly one of my biggest flaws because i am quite literally genetically predisposed to becoming an alcoholic (shout out to my dad's side of the family and my actual dad!). also becoming an alcoholic has been a fear of mine ever since i knew what being an alcoholic was.

the positive stuff (bc not everything in this life is bad) :

i got into the grad program i wanted! there is a slight caveat: i kinda had a shoe in because it's the same school I'm currently attending for undergrad and my school is medium-sized so i know like 3/4ths of the faculty (not personally, but they know my name and the stuff that I've done /pos). i still had to do the whole personal statement, letters of recommendation, and interview thing so, it wasn't super easy. but hey, i'm gonna be studying what i want for 2 years! :)

i applied for a job (just 1 year and aimed at newly graduated students) and got set up for an interview!

i'm one day closer to graduating. (about a month and 2 weeks until that day though)

i'm getting another tattoo as an early birthday gift to myself in May. this'll be my first one since November. sweet little baby number 7!! (i'm more excited about this than graduating or my actual birthday)

my older brother (with a big boy job and real people money) got us tickets to see Megan Thee Stallion in May! this will be my FIFTH ever concert ever (these are the first 4 even though no one asked: ((actually no one asked for this post in general, but whatever)) 1. Justin Beiber in 2009 2. Panic! At The Disco in 2017 3. Twenty One Pilots in 2017 (((i don't even listen to those three anymore lmao))) 4. Beyonce in 2023)

was this all too much information to disclose to the void (strangers on the internet)?? possibly, but the satisfaction i got from getting it out has greatly outweighed it.

#anxitey #depression #grad school #job interview #college #college graduation #megan thee stallion #beyonce #dayna discusses

[sydneyinreallife]

time

9/17/23 || 11:42pm

i'll blame it on time.

i think it freaks me out that i tend to find ways to be sad in every situation i'm in. like i am never truly content. however, i think that as bizzare as it sounds, i find a sort of comfort in being sad. this sounds more depressing than i mean to be, i just think that sadness is a reliable feeling and it gives me something to chase. this isn't to say that i am never happy, i just tend to always find something to be upset about. i absolutely hate the way my brain does this.

while in arizona i felt this sort of disconnect. i never truly felt like i belonged there, however i don't actually know how many people feel like they truly belong in their chosen college towns- there is no way social media tells the truth. being there made me dislike myself very much. no matter how hard i tried to be the version of me i wanted to be, i always felt like i was acting a part. i felt distant from my culture, family, friends, and literally myself. the feeling of slowly loosing yourself but not knowing how to fix it, is terrifying. i hate that i had everything (friends, a relationship, a job, and so many opportunities) yet it felt like i was completely alone with nothing. it's like i was fulfilled but with emptiness, so nothing really mattered. i stopped caring about school, but still did good. i stopped caring for my mental health, but still presented myself on the internet and in real life very well. i stopped enjoying the things i cared about the most, and became severely unmotivated and tired all the time.

i feel like this makes little sense without specifics so here is my list of things i disliked about arizona:

the weather was too hot which made me miserable, which made me stay inside all the time, which made me change my style, which made me never comfortable in my own clothes, which made me uncomfortable in my own body.

my classes were massive and my major was poorly run, which made me feel unspecial, which made me feel unmotivated in school, which made me care less, which made me feel dumb, which made me feel so lazy and unproductive, which led to me losing my purpose in life (academically).

there was a lack of diversity, which made me question why i had no asian friends, which made me sad about being asian, which made me feel like i was losing my culture, which is basically everything that makes me, ME, which is just not a good feeling.

in califonia the weather is nice. it's always nice. i feel at home, we always joke around and say the weather is bi-polar, however that just means it's like 60s-80s varying throughout the day and week. i can wear the clothes i want to wear, i never feel judged or out of place, and the status quo is actually being different, rather than all the same. in california (my school), the classes are smaller. no more than 30 people i would say. it's nice that the teachers know my name. it's nice that they grade my papers themselves, and don't have some ta doing it. it's nice that i feel supported by my school in my academic career. in califonia it's diverse. significantly more than most places, i mean it's basically known for it. it actually seems like there are more asian people than white people (this cannot be true) but it seems like it. i feel closer to my culture, and i am also closer to my family. the majority of my friends are asian. this is the first time in my life that this is true.

now the weird thing about time is that it changes the way you think about the past. many months later, i have quite literally fixed every major issue i had with arizona, by moving back to california.

when i think about my time in arizona i always end up putting myself in this endless cycle of regret for leaving. it almost always emotionally pains me to think about- which i do find odd since i know i've expressed my extreme dislike for the place. it starts like this:

why did i leave? wasn't it a hassle to transfer?

i do miss my friends. would i still be in a relationship had i stayed?

i did have good memories with those friends, i miss it.

i really took that time for granted, diversity doesn't matter that much, friends are friends and i genuinenly enjoyed my time spent with them

did i just give up on my major? maybe i would enjoy school more if i had just tried to get throught it? it was what i wanted for so long, am i a failure for giving up?

the classes were huge but the teachers paid less attention so i guess it was easier

culture is never truly gone. maybe you just didn't make an effort to keep up with it.

you could have done more

transferring out is basically like giving up.

and suddenly i feel myself rationalizing every single thing that i had once expressed as a reason to move away. sometimes looking back on this feels like the most dramatic and important thing in the world- however sometimes it feels the complete opposite. time changes feelings and it also changes perception. i know my decision was right, but that doesn't change the fact that i will always ask myself, "what if i had stayed? what if?"

and that truly pains me in ways i can only attempt to explain.

[personalverity]

9.5.2023

I know I should be grateful that I'm alive. I'm on a journey of growth. I don't take enough time for myself so this is me reclaiming some of my time.

I'm a late-diagnosed Autistic person. My best friend moved away recently. We would have coffee together in person. We would update each other on our lives. We'd check in with each other's mental health but she moved. That's ok. She had to do what she needed to and I know I can write to her. Message her. Things like that but I am regretting our cancelled coffee dates. I wish I was a better friend but depression takes that ability, sometimes, to be a good friend.

My depression is terrible. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I have trouble going from moment to moment. I just want to be in a library, researching books and online. I miss the quiet of being able to read a book and getting lost in its pages. I miss that feeling. I have trouble relaxing my body enough to focus on something. I'm hypervigilant all of the time. It feels like I can't relax.

I have PTSD. I'm running on caffeine, fat, and carbs.

I'm currently in school. I'm enrolled in a university. I'm taking my final classes to complete my major. I'm nervous. My depression has been terrible. I have to push myself to get through the material. I am treating myself to afternoon caffeine with my coworkers. Whatever it takes to get to the next moment because the medicine I'm on makes me feel empty inside. I am constantly searching for more dopamine.

I recently quit smoking cigarettes but I've gained a lot of weight because of the need for some kind of joy even if it's fleeting. Cramming ice cream and chips is not helping. I have a problem. I'm constantly trying to fill myself. I'm so overwhelmed. I have several personal issues that I won't talk about in this blog because I want to be anonymous.

I work but I won't share here because I rather focus on my mental health and channel my thoughts about my depression in this blog and I believe in keeping my work-life balance. I talk about my job while I'm at my job. My time off is my time off. This is a journal entry. I plan to write one every day. I know there are things that I can do to negate the feelings of impending doom.

I can paint. I can sketch. I can write. I can journal. I can meditate. I can do yoga. I can do an exercise video. I spend way too much time zoning out on my phone. I almost want to challenge myself to do better and make a point system perhaps that's the dopamine I need to find. I used to organize my life. Everything had a place but COVID times broke that pattern inside of me.

I'm depressed I'm like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I've had a problem with my depression for a long time. My mom used to call me Eeyore when I was a teenager because of the way I talked.

I remember I used to starve myself on and off for most of my life. Now, I eat the feelings of sadness used to fill me because before I was filled with melancholy.

I really have to stop overeating because the weight is affecting my mobility. So, this is my entrance into the self-help motivation side of tumblr. I'm going to formulate a plan about school work, exercise, and cutting out all uses of social media. I am on TikTok a shocking amount. I will have to limit my scrolling on Tumblr as well. I just want to write and post about certain aspects of my life.

I'll figure out how to organize my posts.

#late diagnosed autistic #self help #self improvement #self reflection #self care #self awareness #journal #blog

[thebaepatricia]

Book Review • Maybe Next Time by Cesca Major 📝💖🥺⌛️

Maybe Next Time by Cesca Major Genre: Magical realism, Literary fiction, Adult romance ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5/5)

One Day meets Groundhog Day, in this heartwarming and emotionally poignant novel about a stressed woman who must relive the same day over and over, keeping her family and work life from imploding as she attempts to spare her husband from an unfortunate fate.

It is an ordinary Monday and harried London literary agent Emma is flying out of the door as usual. Preoccupied with work and her ever growing to-do list, she fails to notice her lovely husband Dan seems bereft, her son can barely meet her eye, and her daughter won't go near her. Even the dog seems sad.

She is far too busy, buried deep in her phone; social media alerts pinging; clients messaging with "emergencies"; keeping track of a dozen WhatsApp groups about the kids' sports, school, playdates, all of it. Her whole day is frantic--what else is new--and as she rushes back through the door for dinner, Dan is still upset. They fight, and he walks out, desolate, dragging their poor dog around the block. Just as she realizes it is their anniversary and she has forgotten, again, she hears the screech of brakes.

Dan is dead.

The next day Emma wakes up... and Dan is alive. And it's Monday again.

And again. And again.

Emma tries desperately to change the course of fate by doing different things each time she wakes up: leaving WhatsApp, telling her boss where to get off, writing to Dan, listening to her kids, reaching out to forgotten friends, getting drunk and buying out Prada. But will Emma have the chance to find herself again, remember what she likes about her job, reconnect with her children, love her husband? Will this be enough to change the fate they seem destined for?

A moving "What if" story of what it is to be a woman in the modern world--never feeling we're getting it quite right--about learning to slow down and appreciate life that is sure to resonate with women's fiction readers.

Book Review

Maybe Next Time is an emotional, moving, heartwarming, and reflective novel. Emma and Dan's marriage/relationship is a rare one. Seldom you would see a love so pure and genuine that, despite their differences and life's challenges, they would continue to choose each other over and over again.

Over Dan's multiple deaths, Emma underwent all stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - and they were all called for. Putting myself in Emma's shoes, I wouldn't also know how to keep going on with my Mondays either knowing my husband will die that very evening - and that I would have to go through it again and again, indefinitely.

I can understand Emma's drive to be constantly preoccupied - I suffer from that, too. So in between listening to the audiobook, I would ask myself, am I being present enough? Am I making conscious effort to take care of myself? To cover tasks for the benefit of long-term goals? Or am I just driven by temporary and short-lived wins, to say that I'm productive or have achieved something while neglecting bigger and more important things?

Objectively, I believe Emma's character is not likable but she's not despicable either - she simply does her best be it for work or for her family. However, once she accepted her tentative fate and embraced the "curse" of repeating her days as a "gift," I appreciated how she worked on improving things little by little, even when she had to do it again the next day. And she would always come up with ways to see things at a better light. She couldn't control the days, but she could control how to spend them. As my own Dan would say, she's "moving the needle."

Novel Dan is a side character in the story, but he made a huge impact through the letters he wrote to Emma yearly on their date-versary. And surprisingly, his is the biggest plot twist in the novel.

The ending was a bit confounding (and a small part of me hated Dan for it). It was also a massive cliffhanger, but I LOVED it.

Had I not been in the dining area, I would have bawled listening to Dan's last letter to Emma. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. I knew right then and there I found another well-deserving 5-star read and a hidden gem.

Personal relevance/takeaway:

Just like Emma, I tend to preoccupy myself with tasks, even with non-urgent ones, just so I could fill up my time and pretend to be productive. A lot of times, it doesn't go well for me. When I push myself too much, I end up burnt out, disoriented, high-strung, and in need of rest - STAT.

But in life, it's better to have a life you don't need a break from. To give yourself breaks regularly enough so you don't get filled to the brim and burst over the most trivial things.

[hedjblogr]

so i gotta make a full ass post about my last reblog because i would be doing the situation a disservice if i posted it only in the tags.

puts my grubby little pizza hands together and takes a deep breath

so.

around 2019-2020, so pre-pandemic, i was working for a small startup business. this was through a scheme that my local council was paying for, to get people into employment and to help local small businesses. great stuff on paper! fantastic stuff even!

this business was uh. well. the guy running it was maybe not the best personality match for me when it comes to a boss, but that's something better demonstrated than plainly stated. i don't wanna say he was a bad guy because that'd be unfair, but i was not the only person who struggled with dealing with him. i won't go too much into his personality either because this isn't about making a smear piece, this is about processing my struggles with illness in the workplace.

so, yeah. i'm a chronic migraine sufferer. it varies from headache and dizziness severity to "i'm having spots in my vision, i feel like throwing up and i literally can't do anything but sit with my head in my hands and my eyes closed tight and make pathetic noises". i'm still not entirely sure what my triggers are for it, but right now i'm thinking it's linked to drastic weather changes, hydration, stress and poor sleep.

i also have moderate to severe depression and anxiety. this ebbs and flows, it always impacts me at a certain baseline but a lot of the time it's background noise. my anxiety tends to flare up more than my depression, admittedly, but hoo boy do they both hit me bad when they hit me.

these were going unmedicated at the time for various reasons.

so, by the very nature of a startup business with less than 10 employees, a lot of us had to do a lot of different kinds of work. that's fine, i'm multiskilled, i don't mind doing a variety of things. but i was definitely more of dog's body than whatever the hell i originally signed up to be, which was more of an administerial/clerical position. aight, fine, i've worked in retail, i can do sales. i'm a computer nerd, i can do social media marketing and graphics. you want me to train people? uhhh sure i guess. and learn UX? fine okay. wait you want me to learn to code as well??? i'm not getting paid enough for this.

so it was a very stressful job. very anxiety-inducing job too. i was told both that i had a lot of responsibility and i was NEEDED, and that the company would simply keep going without me and it didn't matter if i quit or was let go.

oh! fun fact by the way. remember i mentioned my local council was paying for me to be on this scheme? they were paying him. he was getting my work for free, technically. granted, i was getting paid a wage, but he was not the one paying it. yeah. it's great on paper until you consider the way things went in practice.

on one instance i recall that i had my entire evening monopolised, because unbeknownst to me i had apparently agreed to run a live training with someone who was using our product and using it during the evening hours. and i was apparently required to field phone calls from them all evening. i didn't sign up for this, i didn't get paid for these extra hours.

on another instance, i recall we got locked in the building we worked in because we stayed too long (as it was not a privately owned building, we were renting space in a public college), and i was literally in tears with panic about getting out. graciously i was given the next day off work to decompress, but i should never have been put in that situation to begin with. this was due to a bad call on my boss' part.

i'm getting a little distracted here, my apologies, but this thing happens when i start digging up old grievances and trauma that i remember tangential things and it just kind of goes from there.

but yeah. i actually discovered through this job that i suffered anxiety attacks and what they felt like, and that my anxiety was a liability, and i began to suspect through this job as well that my frequent headaches that often led to me feeling like throwing up were not in fact just regular ass headaches.

i didn't feel like i could get sick notes in this situation. i felt like my employer would turn them down or simply fire me.

oh, but you know the time i HAVE used sick notes?

universal credit. good ol' department for work and pensions. rule britannia and all that.

fuck off with that shit actually, they refused my last sick note even though it was ongoing because it listed my depression and anxiety, and they decided that i was actually entirely fine even though they told me i could work on reduced hours to still be eligible for benefits because of my health conditions, and the job search has - to no one's surprise - been making my health conditions WORSE.

(edit: i should clarify, they DID accept sick notes for a time, but eventually i needed to undergo a work capability assessment, and this is when they decided that i still had capacity for work - which i do agree with, there are things i can do! - and then proceeded to ignore the part about it being for reduced hours.)

guess who's been crying themselves to sleep more nights than not, and struggling to sleep, and having erratic schedule, due to scraping to even get an interview only to be NOT EVEN TOLD that i didn't get the job! and that's if i even get a reply back from the first application!

yeah. there's a lot of shit wrong with healthcare and a lot of shit wrong with employment right now. and as it turns out there's a lot of shit wrong with me.

i'm probably gonna delete this post after a while because i always feel bad dumping shit like this on main, especially when it feels like it's old news and i just haven't processed it because i know i'll never get closure. but sometimes i just have to let myself write, and maybe if i post it someone else will come to a realisation and it'll help them. i dunno.