#i’m so proud of myself for posting this early and it’s literally just before midnight on the day it was supposed to be posted and that says

[mixingpumpkins]

God forbid there are colors

Literally.

I’m begging y’all celebrating Pride to be as loud and proud as you can, not just because you deserve to celebrate, but because people in churches are full of the most paranoid, self-centered idiocy about it to the point where I got woken up unnecessarily early today for an “emergency” to cater to said idiocy. And if I have to hear paranoid screaming about Pride first thing in the morning, you’re damn right I want everyone to have the biggest, loudest, most joyful Pride month yet.

Context: Among my side gigs, I’m webmaster for a few churches’ websites, because a paycheck’s a paycheck, it’s not too demanding of my time, and my work is the reason they have all their sermons and events live-streamed/archived on their sites every week in case, y’know, they’re ever saying shit that might involve someone looking into their tax-exempt status.

I usually set up all the back-end video streaming stuff on Saturday and try to use a topical picture from our photo subscription as a background for both the video thumbnail and the post thumbnail. As requested, I also try to post the service bulletins along with the videos, but one pastor has a habit of not sending me the bulletin before my midnight-the-night-before deadline, so at that point it’s agreed that I’ll just use a seasonal nature picture as the thumbnail photo and upload the bulletin whenever I get around to it on Sunday. (Most of the photos for that church, consequently, end up being nature photos.)

This morning, Housemate #2 — who is on a million committees in that church with Housemate #1 — comes screaming into my room at ass o’clock, telling me I need to fix the website now, the pastor even contacted her about it, etc. etc. (I don’t believe her because she said she couldn’t show me a text or email because she “deletes them immediately” — and also the pastor emailed me the bulletin/notes to add to the post long after the post was already up yesterday and didn’t say a word about any fixes needed.)

Y’all. She was mad because the image on this week’s post was a “rainbow.” To be clear, it was this: 

So of course, I’m like, “...??? It’s a field of flowers.” Because it’s a field of flowers that’s colorful, but pretty damn clearly not a rainbow. 100% wasn’t even on my radar as rainbow — my search term in our image subscription was “summer.” (Housemate even went to a flower festival a few weeks ago and hinted that I should use a very similar photo that she took the next time I needed a nature pic for this church’s video thumbnail.)

But she’s insisting this picture is basically a rainbow and they can’t have anything that looks like Pride and how could I do this, I clearly did this on purpose, change it now to something that can’t be misconstrued, etc.

Fine. Wake me up, invade my space, scream, be bigoted, falsely accuse me of malicious intent ... Cue malicious compliance.

She’s hovering over me as I open up the church’s image subscription and all the places I need to go change settings and whatever to update the site. I conspicuously type in “summer” so she can see that this pops up among totally inappropriate ones like beach balls and kids playing in sprinklers. I point it out to her and start scrolling through the images to find a different nature pic. She tries to point out other ones.

“Use that one.”

“I’ve already used that one.” (Just a few weeks ago, in fact. They do not want repeat images.)

“What about that one?” She points to a different field of flowers that is actually the lesbian flag. Like, actually, obviously the lesbian flag. Housemate is not up on these things because she is too pure to know such sordid details; she only knows rainbows = gay = bad. As funny as this would be, I guarantee there would actually be screaming from people if I posted a literal lesbian pride flag made of flowers instead of a random colorful field of flowers, so I decide to save myself a little trouble and point out the issue.

“Lesbian pride flag.”

“This one?”

“Too small.” (I pull it up on the canvas and resize, to demonstrate that it turns into unintelligible pixel hell.)

“Here. These are flowers. They’re pink, yellow, and blue.”

“That is literally the pan pride flag.”

“What the hell is that?”

“Pansexual. Pride. Flag.” I pull up a picture of that so she can see.

“Well, it’s Trinity Sunday, search for that instead.”

I do. There’s a few too-small pictures of doves and a bunch of triskele and triquetra knots. She points to one of those. “There. The Trinity symbol. Use that.”

“That’s a pagan symbol. I wouldn’t want that to be misconstrued.” Incidentally, I point out, as I open the middle-of-the-night email with the bulletin boasting a similar picture, someone should probably remind the pastor about that since he’s so worried about people misinterpreting images as something non-Christian.

She’s grinding her teeth at this point. “That’s different. That has words [Father, Son, Holy Spirit] around it.”

“It’s still a very recognizable appropriated pagan symbol. Or would you be fine posting a swastika just because it has different words around it?”

We go back to nature photos.

“Try this one.”

“That’s really close to the bi pride flag, you know.”

“HERE. THIS ONE.”

Very thick pale pink and white flowers ... under a blue sky. Hmm. Looks very much like the trans pride flag, if I’m honest. She’s pissed, and housemates are going to be late for church soon.

“There. Those white daisies.”

“Yeah, we can do that, but you should know this picture does look like the agender pride flag if you’re just glancing at the colors.”

“I don’t care. I don’t know what that is. Nobody normal knows what that is, they’re not going to misconstrue it.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, since apparently that was the issue with the first picture, but I’ll use this one.” I upload it and fix all the things that need to be fixed on various platforms for everything to update. She stomps out and I go back to sleep.

Five minutes later she’s back, waving her phone in my face. “YOU DIDN’T CHANGE THE PICTURE! IT’S STILL THE RAINBOW PICTURE! CHANGE IT NOW!”

This is two times I’ve been given a mini-heart attack this morning by someone barging into my space while I’m trying to sleep, and she’s lucky she hasn’t gotten maced on instinct. “You watched me change the picture. Clear your browser cache.”

“I don’t know how to do that. Change the picture!”

I grab my laptop again, go to the website, and show her the picture is changed. I rattle off an explanation of why she needs to clear her phone’s browser cache, which I have given her several times before, and remind her she’s late. She blanks out at anything tech-talk and leaves. Totally looking forward to getting more screaming about this later. 🙃

You know, that “rainbow” picture was 100% an honest mistake, but I think part of this week’s pay from that church specifically is going to go to an actual rainbow shirt from an LGBT-owned shop. ✌️

#happy pride y'all #bigots are going to scream and read pride into everything even where it wasn't intended so you might as well enjoy as loudly as possible #(if you feel safe of course) #incidentally if anyone would love to gift me a house or a few thousand dollars so i can move out and never speak to these people again #that'd be great #homophobia tw #swastika mention #dea does things #long post

[solace-seekers]

the fool on the hill

Summary: When Connor Stoll showed up on the Apollo cabin doorstep at midnight holding a small child, Will strongly refuses the urge to slam the door in his (and Will’s presumably new sibling’s) face.

for @solangeloweek prompt Curses

the "oh no my boyfriend turned into a baby!" but with a twist because will is a himbo

wc: 2.2k

read on ao3

#i’m posting this before midnight this is such an accomplishment #also this is so funny to me pls read i swear it’s not weird #i’m so proud of myself for posting this early and it’s literally just before midnight on the day it was supposed to be posted and that says #that says a lot about me as a person #hoo #pjo #pjo/hoo #nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #solangelo fic #solangelo week 2021 #solangelo week #anna writes sometimes

[bright-molina]

Emergency Contact

synopsis: Sometimes it takes an accident and the revelation that Buck is Luke's emergency contact to really bring the Buckley-Mercer (et al) Family to the same page.

fandoms: Julie and the Phantoms x 911

relationships/characters: Buckley!reader (gender neutral), Alex Mercer, Evan Buckley, Luke Patterson, Athena Grant, Maddie Buckley (all relationships are familial/platonic)

word count: 2503

warnings: mentions of minor injuries (and I mean minor, sprained ankle, minor concussion is all)

a/n: @biqherosix surprise! Catch me pushing the Buckley-Mercer family agenda cause I can. For anyone wondering, we're running with the idea that they're cousins. I honestly have no idea where this came from, I wrote it at like midnight yesterday. And it only figures that the first thing I post in forever is a crossover that is mostly self-indulgent but I promise I'm trying to get the hang of things again.

For those of y'all that haven't seen 911 but still wanna read: one, I appreciate you so much oh my gosh, two, I highly recommend it and three, all you really need to know for this one is that Buck is a firefighter with the 118, Athena Grant is a police officer, and Maddie is Buck's older sister and a 911 dispatcher. If I missed anything and you wanna know feel more than free to ask!

The absolute last thing you expected was your phone ringing well past midnight.

“Don’t answer it.”

Alex’s voice sounded from beside you, muffled by the pile of blankets he was buried under. You rolled your eyes and reached for your phone only to have him snatch it out of your grip and stuff it under the blankets alongside him.

“Give it back!”

“No,” Alex crossed his arms tighter, ignoring the second ring completely. “It’s probably Buck checking to see if we’ve gone to sleep yet, if you answer he’ll know we’re still up.”

“Like Buck would voluntarily be up right now. He’s fifteen hours into a twenty four hour shift,” You leaned back against the couch, knowing there was no tearing the phone away from Alex. “Will you at least check who it is to make sure it’s not Maddie?”

Alex groaned, loud and exaggerated, before sticking his head underneath his blankets to check your phone. You were just barely able to hear his panicked ‘uh oh’ before he put on his best fake tired voice and answered, “Hello?”

“Alexander Mercer, what are you doing awake at this hour?”

“I wasn’t awake.”

“Sure you weren’t. Give the phone to y/n.”

He was handing you the phone in a flash and you could see his wide eyes in the dim blue light coming from the living room tv. “It’s Athena.”

“Thanks, I heard. And I told you so,” You smacked him with your pillow when he stuck his tongue out and he quickly ducked back under the blankets. Whether he was hiding from you or Athena was up for debate. “Hi Athena.”

“Y/N,” Uh oh was right. You recognized the tone in her voice immediately. Exasperated and tired with a little bit of worry laced through. “You wouldn’t be able to get ahold of Buck would you?”

“I could,” You sat up straighter and Alex peeked out from under the blankets again, craning his neck to listen in on the conversation. “Is something wrong? Can’t you call Captain Nash?”

“I could,” Athena echoed your words back to you and you heard muffled shouting in the back. “But Captain Nash isn’t Luke’s emergency contact.”

“His what!”

“It’s not a big deal!” Luke’s voice. It was him who had been shouting. “I’m fine!”

“The cast you’re wearing says different,” There was a click on the other end of the line and Alex tripped over the discarded blankets and pillows as he rushed to look for the car keys. “We couldn’t reach him and Maddie was his second emergency contact but May said she went home early today.”

“Yeah, uh, she -” You put on your shoes as fast as possible and reached for the nearest sweater, one you were sure wasn’t yours. “Jee’s teething so she - she’s probably busy with her. What happened? Luke -”

“Is fine. You just focus on getting to the station and bringing Buck to Med cause he’s gotta fill out some papers. I’ll stay here with him until you do.”

“Okay. Okay we’ll be there soon.”

“Y/N put me on speaker,” Athena must’ve been able to hear the panic in your voice. She knew both you and Alex well enough to know every emotion that was running through you both at that moment. “I want both of you to listen to me. Luke is okay. A little scratched up. Maybe a bruised ego. But he’s just fine, I promise you.”

If there was anybody you trusted it was Athena Grant. So you and Alex shared a look, thanked her, and sprinted out of the apartment wondering what on earth Luke had gotten himself into.

“What do you mean you don’t know!”

“Athena didn’t tell us anything!” You shouted right back at Buck despite knowing it probably wasn’t the best idea given the time or the circumstances. Alex was a few feet away, talking quietly to Chimney to have him relay a message to Maddie. She’d be less angry if the news came from him.

“I thought he went back home,” Buck shook his head before jogging down the stairs and you followed him. He all but charged to the locker room and started shoving all his things in the duffel he always carted with him from the apartment to the station and back. “I thought he was okay.”

It wasn’t until then, until you caught a glimpse of his reflection in the little mirror in his locker surrounded by pictures, that you realized something. Evan Buckley, the firefighter, your brother who always seemed so fearless, was scared.

Buck’s mind was racing at a million miles an hour. He kept going through every piece of information he could from the last two days. Luke had promised him. Sworn he was going back home to his parents. He should’ve known better. They were too much alike and he should’ve known better.

He supposed the worrying came with the territory. The anxiety and panic and not knowing were all things he didn’t like but things he would bear if it meant making sure one of his own was okay.

He had always been protective. You were the youngest Buckley and he took it upon himself to make sure you had a better life than him and Maddie had had. Alex was family and he didn’t hesitate to give him a home when he needed one, metaphorically and literally.

And somewhere along the way the Buckley-Mercer family had grown without him realizing it. Alex had brought his band, his friends, over for dinner once and from that moment on they became a fixture in his life.

Bobby, who was surprised the first time Maddie grinned and hugged him, telling him how proud she was of him. Reggie, who was the first to accept a place in their makeshift home, needing the support and love they offered more than anything. And Luke, who was stubborn and wore his heart on his sleeve and fit right in with them.

And Buck couldn’t believe he had let them down. He couldn’t believe that he tried so hard to let Luke know he was there for him and he had failed. If he had just paid a little more attention then -

“I know what you’re thinking,” Your voice cut off his thoughts and he paused for a moment before continuing.

“No you don’t.”

“You’re blaming yourself. It’s what you always do,” You watched as he pocketed his phone and zipped up the bag. “It’s what you did when I thought I could jump off the swing and ended up with a broken arm even though you couldn’t have stopped me. It’s what you did when Alex had that really bad allergic reaction even though none of us knew he was allergic in the place. It’s what you’re doing now.”

Buck slammed the locker shut without meaning to and silently wondered how you seemed to know everything about him when he seemed to know nothing about any of you, not really. He wasn’t like you or Maddie or Alex and that had never been more clear.

“I’m not blaming myself. I just -” He sighed and walked out of the locker room, past you and Alex, and around to the drivers side of the car. He didn’t get in yet. Instead he glanced between the two of you. “I’m not Maddie. I don’t know how to tell what you guys are thinking. I don’t know how to do the things she does. I can’t help how she does. But - but maybe if I could then -”

“You’re right,” You cut him off, already knowing where he was going. “You’re not Maddie. But we don’t need another Maddie, we need Buck.”

“Y/N’s right,” Alex leaned against the top of the car and gave an easy shrug. “Maddie does family dinners every week and helps us with homework and keeps superhero bandaids around for when Reg and Bobby come back from the skate park with scrapes all over them. But you host game nights and come to every one of our practices when you’re not here and tell really bad jokes when you know we need to hear them.”

“They aren’t bad -”

“Yeah they are,” Both you and Alex answered in sync, successfully pulling the faintest laugh from Buck.

“You’re Buck,” You repeated and finally opened the door of the car. “And when Luke left home he came to you. Athena said you’re his emergency contact because he trusts you more than anyone else. We all do.”

It took less than a couple seconds for Buck to nod and get in the car, the two of you following his lead. Moments later he was speeding away from the 118 and in the direction of the hospital, determined to be where he was needed.

“You’re an idiot, Luke Patterson.”

“Wow thanks,” Luke rolled his eyes from where he sat on the couch, an action that earned him a scolding from you, and kept picking at the fabric of the pillow he was holding to him.

It was nearing mid morning and you had all gotten back to Buck’s apartment only a short while ago. The combined insistence and intimidation coming from both Buck and Athena meant the doctors had no choice but to run as many tests as necessary until they were positive Luke was fine.

Your eyes scanned his face again, a habit you’d picked up from Maddie, in an attempt to assess the damage once more to be sure nothing had gone wrong in the last ten minutes.

A butterfly bandage on his forehead above his left eye. Some scrapes on his arms from the fall. The brace around his right ankle propped up on the coffee table and some pillows. A tear in his favorite flannel that you were already patching up.

“What were you thinking?” You sighed and dropped your hands, turning in your spot beside him to look at him and read all the expressions flashing across his face. “You got hit by a car, Luke.”

“I did not!” He flinched when Alex, fast asleep across the other couch, shifted a little at the noise. Buck did the same thing upstairs in the loft, though he recognized the sound of talking and opted to listen in. “I swerved out of the way. The bike lost control and I hit the pavement but I’m fine.”

“The mild concussion and sprained ankle beg to differ,” You stared again. Luke refused to meet your eyes, refused to look anywhere around the apartment that wasn’t the pillow on his lap. He’d been doing the same thing since Buck had nearly busted down the door of the room he’d been sitting in at the hospital. “What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” Luke finally sighed, knowing you wouldn’t let it go any time soon. “I just - I did go home. At first. And i-it was okay until my mom started doing that -that thing she does. The voice, talking down, asking when I was gonna start getting serious, telling me I should do better. I tried but she wouldn’t stop saying all of it so I -” His shoulders sank and his head hung low and you moved closer. “I left.”

“So why didn’t you come back here?” You reached out, hand on his arm in an attempt to get him to hear you. To listen to you. To talk to you. “What made you think you couldn’t?”

It took a few moments but when Luke finally looked up his eyes were watering and he looked unsure. He looked scared and he was never scared. “I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else.”

“I don’t know if you know this,” You gave a sigh and leaned against the back of the couch on one arm. “But we are, historically, a pretty messed up family.”

You successfully pulled a laugh from Luke and a muffled ‘shut up’ from Alex only made the two of you laugh more. But when the laughter faded away you were left with the ghost of those doubts. Present and needing closure. To be acknowledged and reassured.

“There is nothing you could do that would disappoint Maddie and Buck, believe me,” You gave him a faint, sad smile and for a second he wondered what memories were the source of it. “And you never have to be scared. We’re your family and we’re here for you. Me and Alex and Buck and Maddie. Athena who stayed with you until we got there and after. Chimney who’s breaking the news to Maddie to save us all. Albert. May. Bobby. Reggie. You have all of us. I hate to break it to you but you’re a part of our weird little family and we aren’t going anywhere any time soon. So please, please never feel like you have to hide from us. You’re home here, Luke.”

And he believed every word. For a moment he wondered why he ever doubted it in the first place. It was evident in the way he had a designated spot at the dining table at Maddie’s place. In the way his clothes took up a good amount of space in one of the dressers upstairs. In the pair of house keys that hung on a chain around his neck. Reggie and Bobby were also given a pair long ago.

“Does one of you want to explain to me what the hell happened!” The sound of the door being thrown open startled all of you. Alex sat up quickly and Buck came barreling down the stairs to meet Maddie at the door.

Bobby and Reggie came in after her, holding piles of various items she’d insisted on bringing with. They were followed moments later by Albert carrying bags filled with takeout and then Chimney with Jee-Yun in her car seat.

It was dead silent for a moment as Maddie looked between her siblings, her cousin, and the boy she considered one of her own. They were all her family and that was that.

Finally the silence was broken by Luke leaning over in your direction and quietly asking, “Hey, does home have a place I can hide from Maddie until she’s less mad?”

“Oh, Luke,” You offered him a smile he recognized as a slightly sympathetic yet playful one. “There is nowhere you can hide where Maddie’s anger, love, and aggressive post-injury nurturing won’t reach. Good luck.”

She sat in your spot the moment you stood up and was immediately making sure Luke was okay. Her eyes scanned each injury just as yours had and when she finally let him take a breath he looked around.

All of this, the chaos that was unpacking the various takeout boxes. Setting up a little station on the kitchen island with various medical supplies. Chasing Jee-Yun around as she crawled and wobbled all around the place. Music playing softly in the background as everyone smiled and talked and felt relieved that he was okay.

This was home. Luke was sure of it.

Taglist:

Everything: @meangirlsx @cucumbers-and-olives @dream-a-little-bigger-x @fangirlangioma @jaskiers-sweetkiss @babychickanon @goddess-of-night​ @n0wornever @calamitykaty @hellophantoms @funsizearsonist @crybabyddl​ @txrii @sunsetcurvej @willex-owns-my-heart @angryknightstatesmantrash @all-in-fangirl @reg-peters @willowsbendtothewind-blog @jatplover

shoot me an ask/message to be added/moved/removed

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #911 #911 on fox #julie and the phantoms fanfiction #jatp fanfic #julie and the phantoms fanfic #jatp fanfiction #julie and the phantoms imagine #jatp imagine #julie and the phantoms x reader #jatp x reader #911 fox #911 fic #911 x reader #911 fanfic #911 fanfiction #911 imagine #god there are so many tags #let's hope this is okay #and okay #oh my god i didn't realize how well it worked until i added those gifs together #the Buckley Mercers are living rent free in my head can you tell #i saw the opportunity to give them all a supportive loving environment and i took it #DANIZA THIS IS TOTALLY FOR YOU I HOPE YOU LIKE IT #ANYWAY #i have no idea how this is gonna be received so if you read this and are reading these tags please let me know what you think

[teddy-bear-surprise]

hi!! how are you? i seen your post about wanting to write headcannons or blurbs and i didn't know if you wanted them to be birthday related but osbddkndjdd staying up until exactly 12 am with peter and once it hits, the reader gives him a bunch of kisses & let's him now how happy she is to be with him!!!

This story is also available on AO3 and Wattpad!

Hi! Thank you so much for the request, I'm doing great today and I hope you are too <3

MASTERLIST

Title: Midnight Birthday

Word Count: ~2.4k

Warnings: None (they joke around about poop and farts, which makes me sound immature, but I promise it’s funny and not like serious)

Context needed: Y/N

I deviated slightly from the prompt on accident, but I hope you enjoy it :)

Your phone rang loudly for the third time, prompting you to finally pick up. Normally, you would ignore everyone’s phone calls, but you realized that Peter was the one calling you. You had set a special ringtone for him, just so this wouldn’t happen, yet he still had to call multiple times just to get your attention.

“Hey, Peter! Sorry I didn’t pick up before… You know how it is, right?”

Peter chuckled on the other end of the line, “Yeah, I know. We should really come up with a better system for you. I don’t even want to imagine what would happen if there was an emergency and they had to call you. I know you can’t see me right now, but just the thought gave me goosebumps.”

You heard him shudder, “I’m sure you’re very goosebumpy, Spider-Kid.”

“Hey!” He asserted jokingly, “You know that I prefer ‘Spider-Man’, you know that. And don’t be mean to me! I’m over here calling to invite you out to dinner and this is what I get? I am beyond hurt. I will never recover.” Peter emphasized each word as sarcastically as he possibly could.

“Oh, get over yourself drama queen. Spider-Boy, Spider-Kid, Spider-Man, it’s all the same thiiinnggggg. Just take the compliment, hun. In thirty years– when you’re all old, wrinkly, and a Spider-Senior –you’ll be missing the days when people called you Spider-Kid. Now, what were you saying about dinner?”

“I said I wanted to invite you out to dinner! Were you not listening?”

You rolled your eyes and wished he could see your face right now. “I got that part, genius. I meant like what kind of dinner… Y’know, Where? When? The details, Pete, the details.”

“Oohhhh, that would make sense.” He laughed quietly, shaking his head at his own stupidity. “I was thinking that we could go to that restaurant you love, you know the one you were talking about the other day… Ummmm I think it was called Sveleka? Right? So we could go there around 7…”

Peter’s voice trailed off as he tried to remember the details of his plan and you cut in. “It’s Veselka, but that would be great, Pete. I’ll see you there at 7, love you.”

You hung up the phone before Peter even got a chance to reply. Your phone skills were rudimentary, to say the least, and it always got you into trouble. Luckily, Peter understood your bizarre hatred of phones and phone calls, allowing you to talk to him without worrying too much.

You knew that his birthday was tomorrow and you had developed a plan of your own. It was supposed to be a surprise, and the last thing you were expecting was for him to ask you out to dinner the night before his own birthday. In a way, it made you appreciate him even more, knowing that he loved you enough to randomly call you and ask you out to dinner. But now, thanks to his unexpected decision, you only had two hours to rearrange everything before meeting up with him for dinner. You stared at the giant teddy bear sitting on your bed and sighed. Even though your plan was technically easier to carry out now, you felt a twinge of annoyance about having to modify your schedule.

Originally, you wanted to sneak into Peter’s apartment, along with May’s help, and surprise him with a giant teddy bear that said “I love you” when you hugged it. Ideally, you would get there right at midnight, as the night turned from August 9th to 10th, and show him that you cared. That you cared about his birthday, his happiness, and his wellbeing.

You shook away the thought and positioned the teddy bear so that it looked like it wanted to give you a hug. In between its warm, fluffy arms, you placed a small box. This box was technically Peter’s real present. It contained a small, circular locket with one half of a glass spider and a key. In the very same box, you included a long handwritten note telling Peter how much you loved him and how proud you were of him. Once you rearranged the box and bear to your liking, you began to get ready.

The closet of your apartment was minuscule, as was the whole place, and the limited space had led you to develop a very limited wardrobe. Your outfits only consisting of basic black pieces, one dark green jacket, and three pairs of shoes. Peter always joked that he loved how your closet all looked the same, claiming that it made it easier to find you if you ever got lost in a crowd. You both knew that was far from true since everyone in Manhattan loves wearing black, but you appreciated that he was so kind about your unconventional fashion decision.

You grabbed a simple, long black skirt and a silky black tank top, changing out of your pajamas. It might have been five o’clock in the afternoon, but pajamas stayed on until you left the house. That was just the rule. While you fixed your hair and makeup, you began to worry that Peter would figure out your plan. It was a slightly irrational thought, especially since he was socially inept and on multiple occasions forgot when his birthday was. Still, the thought plagued your mind until the moment you were ready to leave.

As you walked to Grand Central station, you texted Aunt May, letting her know that the plan had changed. May had been the biggest supporter of you and Peter’s relationship from the start. Honestly, she was the only one you could trust because she was the only one who could keep both your and Peter’s identities a secret. You hopped onto the Six heading downtown, hoping that she would reply before your service completely cut out.

You: Hi, May. Peter invited me out for dinner at the last minute so we might have to rearrange a bit.

May: This is why I told you to make plans with him ahead of time, so we wouldn’t run into any bumps like this.

You: I know, sorry. I wasn’t expecting him to do this.

May: I was kind of expecting it… I made a bet with myself that he would do this and it looks like I won!

You: You bet on us?? Is this like a reoccurring thing???

May: Definitely not. That would be immature. I’d never do that.

You shook your head at your phone, laughing at how obvious it was that May bet on your and Peter’s relationship. To you, May was like a second mother, or just a really cool aunt. She seemed to understand how to be just serious enough, but not stiff. Not to mention that she was ten times nicer and more supportive of you than your actual mom.

You: I’m gonna pretend that the last part of the conversation never happened. But what I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to meet Peter for dinner around 7 at Veselka so I won’t be able to go back to my apartment and then to Peter’s in time. I just left the bear at my apartment and I’m thinking of asking Peter to go home with me after we eat, what do you think?

May: Sounds like a solid plan, kiddo. Good luck, and please don’t let Peter eat too many of those sauerkraut pierogies this time, he was gassy for two days. It wasn’t fun.

You: Thanks for the gross heads-up, May. Byeeee

You got off at Astor Place and walked in silence towards the restaurant. You were looking at the ground, head hanging low, when Peter called out to you from across the street.

“Y/N, hi!”

You looked up at him and smiled at the goofy boy waving at you. “Hi, Peter!”

Jogging across the street, you made eye contact with him. He held out a hand towards you, helping you onto the sidewalk, and embraced you. Peter kissed the top of your head softly and gave you one last squeeze before letting go.

“So, I guess we’re both early then. I gotta say that I’m shocked, Parker. I wasn’t expecting you to get here before me.”

“What can I say, I’m full of surprises.” Peter winked at you.

---

The two of you merrily ate your dinner, with Peter threatening to instigate a food fight more than once. You talked about anything and everything, by the time you two were ready to pay the bill, it was almost 11 and you were stuffed.

Peter rubbed his hand on his stomach, poking at it, “I think it would be physically impossible for me to eat any more. Like I would just spchwoooo,” he mimicked an explosion with his hands, “explode.”

“I’m just glad we didn’t order any of those sauerkraut pierogies, May said they made you all gassy last time. I don’t even want to know what would have happened if you ate those and the stuffed cabbage.”

“What?! May said that? I never get gassy. Ever.” Peter lowered his voice, “I’m literally superhuman, it takes more than some sauerkraut and cabbage to mess with this iron stomach.”

“That’s not even close to being true. You had explosive diarrhea after that burrito two weeks ago, and don’t blame the food, you were the only one out of the three of us who got sick. Did you forget that May and I had to take you to the hospital? Because I don’t think that counts as an ‘iron stomach’.”

The two of you argued about stomachs, diarrhea, and food the rest of the way to your apartment, stopping every few minutes to point out airplanes flying overhead. You insisted on walking home so you could arrive almost exactly at midnight. Plus having Spider-Man by your side was basically a guarantee of safety, even in Manhattan. Peter held your hand the whole time, swinging it like a smitten teenager. After walking nearly fifty blocks, you arrived at your apartment. You noticed that Peter seemed hesitant, only lightly resting his foot on the first step leading up the building.

“C’mon, let’s watch a movie or something. I don’t want you to leave yet.” You pouted and tugged on Peter’s hand, pulling him up into the doorway.

“Well then, I guess I’m not leaving.”

---

The two of you were cuddled on your small couch watching Buzzfeed Unsolved, Peter’s favorite show, but you weren’t paying attention. Every few seconds your eyes would dart up at the clock, waiting for the hour hand to strike 12. Peter was entranced, never letting his attention deviate from the screen, and he didn’t even notice that you weren’t looking at the TV. The minutes went by slowly and you were counting down the seconds until midnight, gripping onto Peter’s arm. He thought that you were just scared by the prospect of unsolved murders, not that you were anxiously waiting for his birthday.

The last second passed and the clock struck 12, you immediately jumped out of Peter’s embrace and turned to him. Peter sat up in shock, confused by your sudden movement. You took the opportunity to straddle him and grab his face.

“Happy birthday, My Love.”

You peppered his face with sweet kisses and his eyes widened. His body softened under your touch as a feeling of love and happiness filled his heart. Peter snaked his hands up your thighs, letting them rest on your hips, and squeezed softly. You gave him one last kiss on the lips and rested your forhead against his.

“I have a surprise for you, Birthday Boy.” You lifted yourself off of his lap and held your hand out to him.

Peter took your hand and followed you obediently, curious to see what his surprise was. You opened the door to your room, revealing the large stuffed bear and its matching box. Peter let go of your hand and excitedly ran towards your bed.

Before he could say anything, you began speaking, “I know it’s not much, and I know you probably thought that I’d have like a trail of rose petals in here or something like that. But I wanted to show you that my love for you isn’t just about our physical relationship, my love for you i-is emotional and wholesome. I love you, Peter Parker. I truly love you and I’m so happy that you’re mine. I mean, every morning I wake up, I remember that I’m dating you, and that makes me the happiest person in the world.” You reached over to the box in Peter’s hands, “So, Peter Parker, will you accept this key?”

You opened the box and Peter’s cheeks glowed red. His eyes sparkled with excitement as he nodded his head.

“Yes! I love you so much too. I- Thank you,” He paused, “Oh no. Wait, I don’t have a key for yo–”

“Pete, this is your birthday present. I wouldn’t expect you to give me a gift on your birthday, silly.”

He rambled energetically, “You’re right… I’m still going to get you a copy though. Oh my gosh. I love this so much, and is this a spider because I’m Spider-Man?! Where’s the other half? This is so cool!”

You held up your matching locket, opening it to reveal the other half. “Yep, it is because you’re Spider-Boy. The best superhero in town. And, don’t throw away the little note at the bottom. Well, don’t open it now, but if you ever need a reminder of how much I love you, just read that note.”

Peter held your hands in his and pulled you down, both of you crashing into the giant teddy bear. The second you fell onto it, it blurted a freakish, distorted “I love you”, scaring both of you. You jumped up and looked at a wide-eyed Peter.

“Y’know, maybe we don’t need the bear. I don’t really want to be on the next episode of Unsolved.”

You laughed at Peter’s joke, pushing the bear onto the ground and kissed him. His soft lips tasted like the blueberry dessert you shared and his skin was as soft as butter.

You pulled away, foreheads resting together once more. Peter whispered, “Thank you for giving me the happiest midnight birthday, darling.”

#peter parker #cute peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker x reader #happy birthday peter parker #fluffy fanfiction #fluff #MCU #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #midnight birthday #teddybearsurprise

[only-kiwi]

Demons VI

hope you’re all okay :) been doing all these instagram posts that i complete forgot about this so sorry this took so long. hope you like it :)

TW: mentions of self harm, mentions of sexual assault, depression, eating disorder, use of drugs, swearing, age gap (19/24)

Billie woke up feeling slightly better than she did the day before. She woke up to a reassuring text from Harry which made her smile, but it went away when she heard a knock at her door. Billie hoped it was her father, coming in to wake up her so they could spend their day together, but it was still fairly early and it was his day off so she assumed he would still be asleep. Maybe it was Jacob coming to check on her.

“Billie, are you awake?” Her mum called quietly and she sighed. She didn’t need an earful from her right now. As bad as it was, Billie tried to ignore her, turning over so her back was facing the door before her mum walked in. The older woman sat on her daughter’s bed and took in a deep breath. “I know you’re not asleep.”

Billie groaned and covered her face with the duvet. “Can we pretend that I am?”

“No, because I want to talk to you.”

“I know you’re gonna have a go at me.” Billie sighed as she sat up on the bed and looked at her mother. “And you should. I shouldn’t have just disappeared like that.”

“You shouldn’t have, but I’m not gonna have a go at you. I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

“Oh?” Billie didn’t know how to respond. “I-I guess now that I’m home I feel a bit better.”

“Your father told me where you were.”

“I know what you’re gonna say-“

“I’m really sorry, Billie.” Her mother looked down. “I’m gonna try my best to be there for you and help you.”

“I’m sorry, too.” The back of Billie’s eyes pricked with tears. “I know I’m difficult and maybe if I tried a bit harder to get better it would be easier.”

“You can’t help it, and I’m learning to understand that. I think that if we communicate better then maybe we’ll be able to work through this.” Ruth reached up to tuck Billie’s hair behind her ear, the way she did when she was a child. The young girl smiled at that. “Haven’t seen you smile in so long. You look beautiful.”

“Thanks, mum.” Billie’s phone buzzed with a text before she could say anything else. She picked it up and giggled at the silly joke that Harry had told.

“Who’s that?”

“Harry.”

“Oh, are you two... you know?”

“We’re just friends.” Billie shrugged, her mother wasn’t convinced by her words but she didn’t ask anymore questions.

“Why don’t we have breakfast together before I go to work?”

Billie was now sat at the table with a cup of tea while her mother made her chocolate chip pancakes, the way she used to when she was younger. Ruth placed the stack of pancakes in front of Billie, they were decorated with chocolate chips and strawberries and her mouth watered. If Billie was honest, she wasn’t in the mood to eat. But she was hungry, and her mum had spent time of making it.

“Why didn’t you take the day off like dad?” The young girl asked her mother as she took the first bite. God, it tasted so good.

“Oh, I took yesterday off already.”

“Why?”

“I was worried sick about you. Literally. I couldn’t bring myself to go to work.”

“I’m really sorry.” Billie sighed. “I promise I won’t do anything like that again.”

“You’re home now, that’s all that matters.”

The two of them spoke while they finished up their breakfast. Billie couldn’t even remember the last time her and her mum had a proper conversation - she really missed it. Billie didn’t even notice that she had finished all of her pancakes until she went to have another bite but looked down and realised they were all gone.

“Oh, my god.” She felt like she could cry.

Her mother’s eyes filled with tears, too. “I can’t even remember the last time you finished a meal.” She said, getting up to give Billie a hug.

As if on cue, Jacob walked into the kitchen. He was confused by the sight. He couldn’t remember a time where his sister and mother weren’t at each other’s throats. “Oh, you’re back.” He noted. He seemed angry.

“Yeah,” she said, detaching herself from her mother, “I’m really-“

“You could’ve texted me.”

“I know.” She sighed. “Dad and I are gonna do something fun today, you can join us if you like.”

“That’s okay, Ryan’s coming over.” The young boy shrugged.

“Oh, okay.”

***

It was the evening now. Billie had spent the entire day with her father and she was in a good mood. They went to the park and fed the ducks (she made sure to send loads of pictures to Harry). They stopped for ice cream, but only one scoop because Billie was still full from her breakfast. If anything, they spent most of their time just talking and making up for those years where they were hostile towards each other. They spoke about work, therapy, Jacob, Harry. She liked speaking about Harry.

“You spend a lot of time with Harry, don’t you?” Her father asked.

“I guess.” Billie shrugged. “He’s the first friend I’ve had in a while so...”

“Are you just friends or?”

“Yes, dad.” She let out a nervous laugh. “Boys and girls can be friends.”

“I know that, but this is different.”

“How?”

“Your face just lights up whenever you speak about him or if he texts you.” Billie’s phone pinged as if on cue. “Just like that.”

“Oh, apparently mum invited him and Anne round for dinner tonight.”

***

By the time Billie got home, she was honestly quite hungry. And for once, she didn’t feel guilty about it. She knew she wouldn’t be able to have the biggest dinner in the world and she knew she probably wouldn’t be able to finish it, but the fact that she was even thinking about eating was a step in the right direction.

Harry and Anne were already there when they got back, they were stood in the kitchen with Ruth. Even though Billie had just seen Harry the day before, she felt so much better seeing him. She was having a good day, and she wanted to share that with him.

“Finally!” Ruth sighed after seeing her husband and daughter, giving them both a kiss on the cheek. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

Billie’s parents ended up falling into a conversation with Anne, leaving her and Harry alone. They gave each other a hug and he kissed her on the forehead like he always did, hoping their parents didn’t see.

“Hey, how was your day? Didn’t speak that much.” He asked her. Billie told him about everything. The conversation with her father the night before, the one with her mother that morning. She told him how she finished her breakfast and even had ice cream and didn’t feel the slightest bit guilty for it. “Oh my god, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, H.” She smiled.

Dinner went pretty well, the only thing that bothered Billie was that Jacob had been really quiet. Was he still upset with her? She needed to fix this. The only time he would really speak is if his friend, Ryan, had said something to him. Oh, well. I’ll speak to him after dinner, she thought. The problem was, she didn’t get the chance to. After everyone was finished eating, they all did their own thing. Jacob and Ryan went to play on the PS4 some more, and her parents and Anne all decided to share a bottle of wine. Even though her and Harry were offered some wine, they decided against it and went up to her room instead.

They spoke for ages about absolutely everything. Billie liked that about Harry, she liked that they could see each other and speak all the time but there was still always something new to speak about. She told him about Jacob, about how he was upset with her because of what happened. It wouldn’t have bothered her so much if it was her parents that were still angry at her, but Jacob always had her back. Maybe she finally took it too far.

“Talk to him properly, B.” Harry told her. “Go knock on his door and speak to him.”

She sighed but got up anyway, leaving Harry in her bed, walking to her younger brother’s room and knocking on his door. He didn’t answer or open the door, so either she didn’t knock loud enough or he was really angry. She figured there was no harm in just walking in because that’s what she usually did. But she wasn’t prepared for what she walked into. Her younger brother was making out with his best friend on his bed but they jumped off of each other as soon as the door open.

“What the fuck, Billie? Do you not know how to knock?!”

“I did!”

“Get out!”

“Fuck! Okay, I’m sorry!” She held her hands up and walked out, closing the door.

“What was all that shouting about?” Harry asked when she made it back to her room.

“I just walked in on him and Ryan.” She told him, still in shock.

“What? Like...?”

“Kissing, yeah.”

“Guess you’ll just have to speak to him later then.”

***

It had been a couple of hours, Billie could still hear her parents and Anne talking and laughing. She didn’t think they’d stop anytime soon, but she didn’t mind because she wanted to be around Harry for as long as possible. It was pretty late, almost midnight and Billie was usually getting ready for bed at this time.

“H, I’m just gonna have a shower.” She told him. “Do you want to put on something more comfortable? I have these joggers that are way too big for me. I’m sorry, I just can’t watch you chill in jeans for this long.”

Harry took the greg joggers, only changing into them once Billie had gone into the bathroom. She wasn’t gone long, only 15 minutes. She walked back in wearing nothing but an oversized band t-shirt and a towel on her head, which she quickly took off to dry her hair with it. Harry didn’t think he’d seen a prettier sight.

“How was your shower?” He asked, moving so he could make more space for her on the bed.

“Got shampoo in my eye, hurt like a bitch.” The younger girl chuckled, looking at him. She tried not to choke when she saw how good he looked in the joggers. “Do you want a cup of tea? I was about to go make one.”

“Yeah, I’ll come down with you.”

Billie’s father was in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher while Anne and Ruth were in the living room. He made small talk with Harry as Billie made the tea (Harry offered but she was very specific about how she had her tea). “H, can you just get the milk from the fridge for me, please?”

“Here, love.” He said, handing her the milk and then staying by her side as she finished it. She said a quiet thank you and gave him a small smile.

Her father watched the two interact, and he noticed how Billie was different around him. He had never seen her smile like that or seen her so calm and comfortable. He needed to say something, even though he knew he shouldn’t.

“You two make a lovely couple.”

Billie groaned and Harry’s eyes widened. “I told you we’re just friends, dad.” She turned around to face him.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” He held his hands up and made his way out of the kitchen, saying I’ll leave you two alone now.

“That was weird.”

Billie rolled her eyes, “no, it wasn’t, he knew exactly what he was doing.”

“You’ve spoken about this before?”

“Yeah, my parents thought we were together. I obviously said we weren’t.” Billie tried to brush it off. “I mean, that’s crazy.”

“Didn’t say that when we kissed.”

“You kissed me, Harry.”

“You kissed me back.”

“You didn’t say anything after it happened, I thought that maybe it was a mistake for you so I just ignored it.” Billie shrugged.

“Wasn’t a mistake.”

“The tea’s getting cold.” Billie blurted, not knowing what else to say. She could see the disappointment in Harry’s eyes. Did he really want to speak about it that much? She simply ignored it and took her tea upstairs, Harry following behind.

“I didn’t say anything about the kiss because I didn’t know if meant it. You were going through a lot so I thought that I was just a distraction.” Harry said after being sat in silence for ten minutes.

“Harry, I would never use you like that.” She said, turning to face him. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”

Harry smiled at that, “did you like it?”

“The kiss?” He nodded. “Yeah, it was good.”

“Just good?”

She knew exactly what he was doing, so she decided to tease him a little. “Yep. Just good.”

Billie was laying on her front, her elbows supporting her as she looked at Harry, who was laying on his back with is head being elevated by her pillows.

“So, you’ve had better then?”

“Hm, maybe.” Billie tried to hide her smile by biting her lip. She failed. “I don’t remember very well.”

“Need me to refresh your memory?” Harry asked, he seemed hesitant. In situations like this, Billie would usually change the subject or make a joke because she felt uncomfortable and awkward. This was different. The only thing she could feel was the desire to kiss Harry, so she simply nodded at his questions.

Harry didn’t waste any time, he attached his lips to hers and felt himself relax. Her lips were so fucking soft. He brought his hand up to place it on her check, the other one resting on her hip. Her left hand was resting on his chest as the other one holding the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Harry’s hand was suddenly getting lower and Billie hadn’t noticed until she felt his hand on her thigh.

“Harry,” she whispered, breaking the kiss.

“I’m sorry, I-“

“No, it’s fine. It’s just,” she paused, “I have scars. I don’t want you to see them.”

“Hey, that’s okay,” he kissed her on the forehead. “But just so you know, it won’t bother me. I’ve seen the ones on your arms, I don’t think of you any different. You’re beautiful. Your scars are beautiful.”

“They’re not.” She was about to cry and she hated it. “They’re just... ugly.”

“Stop that.” He said, quietly but firmly as he brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “I really wish you could see what I see. Most beautiful girl in the world.”

#harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfic #harry styles blurb #harry styles fake instagram #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles solo #harry styles writing #harry styles angst #harry styles music #harry styles fic #harry styles fine line #fine line #demons #only-kiwi

[blxxdyvalentine19xx]

Internet Killed The Rockstar - Mod Sun Album Review by blxxdyvalentine19xx

Derek “Mod Sun” Smith’s 11 track Album Internet Killed The Rockstar debuted at midnight on February 12th, 2021, compared to his usual Hippy Hop as he calls it, IKTR is a much more Punk Rock sound. It opens with the lead single “Karma”, followed by both “Bones” and “Flames” I woke up this morning and hopped onto Spotify to give it a listen to.

Karma: The opening track to the album, Angry and loud. I didn’t much care for it at first, It took me a while to love this one. His ex girlfriend was quick to jump onto youtube with a storytime video, in which she suggests it’s about her, some believe it to be and others believe it to be about Bella Thorne. I was under the impression that Mod and Tana were on good terms last year so I don’t really know, I’m more convinced that it’s about Bella. It’s a banger of an opening track though.    

Bones: There’s a lot to this song, I remember the teaser he released for this piece. I’ve listed to the song almost as i have to that teaser. He explains in the breakdown of the track that it sounds like what the first few seconds before a car crash feels like, calm. This song absolutely put me through it, I lost a family member to a motor vehicle accident a few years back and never really moved on from it. Somehow through this song, Mod brought me the ability to heal from it and move on from the weight I carried with the accident. So thank you Mod Sun for a track so beautiful.

Flames (Ft Avril Lavigne): The only feature on the entire album and it’s a literal piece of art! It starts out with Avril’s melodic voice before jumping into Mod Sun’s explosive screaming vocals in the post-chorus. His vocals on this track doesn’t make me love it any less, in fact i’m in love with the track. Mod threw all he had at this track and gave us something that will hopefully stand the test of time. As many times as I have heard this song, I never tire of it.Avril has been the voice of a couple generations now and It’s amazing to see such a powerful collaboration as this one.

Betterman: I don’t know, I’m not really feeling this track so I don’t have a lot to say about it. He does say in it that someone makes him want o be a better man and that the same person saves him.To be nice about it I’m saying little about it. He does say at one point that he doesn’t want to die lonely, that’s a line i can vibe with, being lonely is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s a beautifully worded track.

Prayer: I just listened to this song again, there’s a part of me that feels the message Mod puts out. I’ve saw what those white lines do to people, I nearly lost a friend to them in high school so Mod hit me with a load of built up emotions here. My life had been impacted by someone who hit their worst on drugs and I carry those thoughts everyday. The way he delivers this track is melodic and gives you a way to look positively on your future. Every action is a reaction. I know i’m rambling but  I don’t know just how to word what this song does to me, it makes me feel numb as I reflect on things I’ve been through. 2020 was my year to find my a better path and jut like Mod, I’m trying desperately to try on it.I wasn’t in a good place and this song feels like what my past was in words.

TwentyNUMB: It sounds to me like it starts out as a rap track before quickly reminding me of ‘Circles” by post malone mixed with an early 2000′s track that I can’t remember the name of now. As of right now I don’t have a clear explanation of the track. It’s good but it’ll have to grow on me. It may to chaotic for me as I’m neurodiverget and there’s so much to try and focus on in this that I start to get panicky and can’t focus on the lryics of it at all. it’s upbeat though so that’s a good thing.

Smith: We know this is about his father from the voice intro it carries. The lyrics carry you through a mostly negative father - son relationship, as it progresses, Mod goes on to say there will always be a room in his house for his late father. It’s a tough one for me as my relationship with my father is beginning to fade and this song brings up the pain that i’ve endured the past few years seeing the father I once knew and loved change into a man I no longer know. I can’t help but cry hearing the pain in Mod’s voice when he delivers this track, even though my father is still living, i’m tasked with having to grieve the man I looked up to and that’s what this song does for me, it’s started the process of me letting go of what I have to for my sake. I don’t know how much longer I have with my father due to his health but this sing will forever make me think of him. No matter what a parent puts us through, there’s still that little kid locked inside us that loves them no matter what.

Rollercoaster: I’ve linked the song. The lyrics explain themself. Noting I can really say about it aside from being proud of Mod and the effort he’s made to staying sober.

Annoying: Shit’s cute! I will definitely be dancing around my kitchen to this song. It’s such a feel good song. My one qualm about it though is the “ for your eyes only” line, the One Direction fan in me only ever hears “ass” instead of “eyes” I can’t do much else but laugh over the line because of it. The song sounds as id Mod is declaring unrequited love to whoever this mystery girl he speaks of in numerous lyrics across the album. Whoever she is, she must be pretty damn special. The bridge make sit sounds as thought she makes him tongue tied when all he wants to do is tell her how much he loves her. Overall, Annoying is a really cute song.

Pornstar: This song starts out with Mod portraying himself as a really kind of shit guy, from missing his girls birthday to not being there after her surgery, like man, that’s low. The lyrics later sate that he’ll make up for his dickish behavior and fuck her like a pornstar, now we can assume he’s referring to himself as the pornstar here. He also talks about her sending him a paragrah every morning, he barely reads it and sends the ever dreaded one word answer, I’m a guy and that boils my blood, i’m a romantic at heart and a poet, one word answers are my least favourite thing. The chorus to Pornstar is damn well catchy almost as catchy as herpes, thank you to @triplexdoublex​ for that golden line. it’s been out a little over a day now and it’s already my fifth most listened to song, that’s saying something.

Internet Killed The Rockstar: I was in a dream driving in my Ford Explorer at 16 years old by myself. I snuck out of the house, not to go fucking spray-paint the side of a building or go meet up with a girl. No, so I could go ride around my city and scream the lyrics of a song and pretend that it was my song. That’s literally what I did as a kid. The song that was playing was ‘Internet Killed the Rockstar.’It painted the story of when the kid inside me essentially died and turned into a person that was living in a new age. I grew up quickly, but I’ve remained able to be in touch with this childlike sense inside me. [The song] is my tribute to the kid who literally thought he was never going to make it. And guess what? You made it! You made it. Direct quote from Mod’s Genius Music page. Nothing more to be said here other than I feel this on a personal level, I was in a place once where I never once thought I’d see my senior year of high school let alone where I am today. I’ve had to grow up quick lately and this song gives me comfort.

#mod sun #internet killed the rockstar #moive #album review #my thoughts #avril lavigne #punk rock

[melvillaa]

An Ode to 2020

Not really sure why I’m awake right now. If this was pre-marriage, I would have taken out my laptop to start typing, but it’s not and Bri is knocked tf out, so here we are. I guess this is the ode to 2020 post that I’ve been meaning to annotate for a while now.

This has been the most transformative year of my life. So many changes in more ways than one. Way more ways. Try like 20. A lot of crying (which I never do.... or maybe i just don’t admit to, lmao), a lot of introspection, a lot of uncomfortability (is that a word?), and a lot of change. A whole lot.

The year started off with optimism and ended with the same notion. Full of hope and wonder for the year set before me, I couldn’t wait for 2020 - it was supposed to be the year all my dreams came true.. and in a weird way, it was! It was the year I got married to the love of my life(!!!!!!), reached 5 years at my corporate job, relocated to a new home in a new city and area code. It was all that - but it wouldn’t be my life if it wasn’t that, plus a little pizzazz, lol.

It’s hard for me to give myself grace. Truly I think I am the hardest on myself. Always empathetic of others and their experiences, but always giving myself the short end of the stick. Living in a pandemic has been wild - but living through my huge life changes in the middle of a pandemic has proven to be even more wild. As a person who doesn’t necessarily love change, I’ve struggled to give myself grace in the midst of the huge life changes I’ve experienced. I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come and how strong I’ve been to withstand the trials that I battle without me really saying a word to a single soul. As a person, me typing this stuff out is me telling the world my story - even if no one reads it. This year changed my life.

Marriage.

I became a wife and entered the covenant of marriage. It really is true that you enter into a marital bliss that is full of love you don’t experience until you get married. It’s unlocking a next level of your relationship and discovering a new version of yourself ... yourself plus another human. There really are different levels of love that you are surprised to find out that you are capable of. It’s different than just being in a relationship with one another. Now we’re bound to each other under a different covenant - before the eyes of God, our family, our friends and the law. It’s weird filling out paperwork and realizing that legally I am no longer a Villaflor. Well technically I’ll always be a Villaflor (Melanie Rose Villaflor Argamaso to be exact, okurrrttttt). I stepped into this role of being a wife and all the “responsibilities” that came with it and also fully embraced the fact that I have a person to do life with who loves me more than himself, who is always thinking of me, always taking care of me, always looking out for me, and who genuinely takes responsibility for me. It’s weird. It’s things I knew of during our relationship, but in marriage it’s somehow personified.. magnified. Marriage is so cool. Maybe it’s cool for me because there’s been such an emphasis and importance placed on it ever since I was a little girl. Bri and I didn’t have the “modern relationship” where we lived together prior to marriage. Yea we slept over and had our own respective places, but to really enter into marriage where everyday it’s me and you, and we have a whole ass home and life together is really wild. I love it. Doing life with Bri is me truly seeing that this man really would give me the world if I asked for it. Anything I could ever want or need, he fulfills it. Everyone always asks me what I’ve learned about him since we got married, or what’s something new about Bri that I’ve discovered ... one thing is that this man and his hobbies are unmatched, bro loves him some cars, any moving vehicle really, lmao. But mostly, I see his heart. He always wants the best - for me and for himself and anyone he cares about, sometimes to a fault when he can’t attain perfection but so badly wants to achieve it. But most times he can .. and then some. I’ve never met someone so naturally good at so many things. Tactically advanced, street smart as hell, a risk taker with the ability to fix just about anything, a people person with an infectious personality who could probably resell a piece of lint if he had to. We’re a family now. A little family of two but we’re both at a place where we really wouldn’t mind unlocking another level of love if it were time to. (He asks me for a “grey” from @greyandmama on IG almost weekly 🥺🥴😂).

Wedding.

It seemed like I waited so, so long for our wedding - for it to come and go like the wind. But instead of a nice sea breeze, it came and went like a tropical storm (... literally 😂but more on that later!) I remember being so excited on New Years Day at the start of 2020 ... the anticipation of our wedding in the next five months and really the start of all of our wedding festivities would begin within the next month ... or so I thought.

I remember hearing about the coronavirus making landfall in the US around the holidays in 2019 and it was already steadily spreading across the US, but not quite as widespread as it currently is. I was going on a work trip to Florida towards the end of January and I remember wearing a mask in the airport and on the flight and I conducted my usual Lysol-ing of my entire space. Everyone was looking at me like I was insane but I really didn’t care, haha. A flight attendant asked me why I was wearing a mask and I replied that I just wanted to stay healthy for my family. (...Still true, lol.) I had no idea at this moment how significantly the coronavirus was going to disrupt our world, how normal mask wearing would be, and how disinfectant wipes would soon be the most prized commodity in 21st century homes. 

February came like a rush - I started designing our wedding invitation suite which was something I had literally dreamed about. I had a vision from the very beginning and new exactly how I wanted everything to look down to the postage stamp. It reinforced a love for stationery design that I knew I had, but damn was I proud of the finished product. I was so meticulous about everything - from the fonts I used, the colors and hues of the paper, the thickness of the paper, the envelopes, the ink I used. It was so intricate, but it was the most fun I ever had while designing something. It didn’t feel like work at all, but it was pure love that I poured into those invitations. Bri’s bachelor party happened in early March and my bachelorette in Chicago (!!!) was supposed to happen at the end of March. The boys went to Jacksonville, Florida and were able to stay with Bri’s old roommate, Ace in his beautiful home. Coronavirus cases were on the upswing, especially in Florida and Atlanta. I was so freaked out. N95′s were no where to be found, but since Bri is a painter, he was able to score some through work. He wore one on the flight and literally got light headed due to lack of oxygen, lol. He had the time of his life in Florida while I poured my whole self into our invitations, lol. And as soon as the boys got back, the US started to shut down. 

Everyone began to work from home and businesses started closing up shop. Star couldn’t make it to my bachelorette, so she schemed her way into getting me to pole dance with all the girls, hahaha. It was literally the night before everything was supposed to shut down. No indoor dining or bars were going to be open at midnight the following Monday, so I was super thankful that I was able to have a mini bachelorette experience in our own little backyard.  

It was an anomaly to fly anywhere and airports became ghost towns. Each day we got a little closer to my bachelorette and myself and the girls were so excited. Itineraries were made, bickering ensued, flights were purchased, I bought outfits for every outing (... so much white, lol) Literally the only thing left for us to do was to actually fly to Chicago. Probably a week to a week and a half before we were supposed to fly out, Chicago issued a stay at home order and everything shut down. We had to make the difficult decision to cancel my bachelorette trip to Chicago and try to rebound and think of a plan B. The girls were so gracious. I’m so thankful for all the work they put in to try and make things work out for me. We tried to do a weekend trip to Ashville, NC but everything was so risky and there was so much unknown at this point. Covid mandates varied from state to state and things were quite literally changing by the day, the hour even. It just didn’t work out. Till this day I’m sad that I didn’t get to have the full bachelorette experience, but I’m still so, so thankfulI for my friends and the work that they put in to make everything feel as normal as possible. 

Home.

Careers.

Relationships.

Ok I’ll reflect on these things later. I’m sleepy, lol.

[pitifulmagicalocs]

Samuel was the birth of each of your daughter's like?

((This is a long-ass fucking post, but I’ve never really given the girls’ birth-stories a good, thorough thought, so I kinda just let him ramble and uh… god, did he ever. Putting a read-more separator in to save some lives.))

“Well… Amy’s pregnancy with Crystal was rough. She was a good bit overdue, we lived in a tiny apartment and I remember her getting up at night and pacing back-and-forth throughout the whole length of the place just trying to get her labor started. The hospital was talking about inducing, which scared Ames to death because she was heart-set on a home birth. Thank God, during one of her midnight ‘walks’, her water broke. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, watching her go back and forth and then I looked away for one second and when I looked back, she was standing in a stunned silence with a puddle on the carpet beneath her.

Amy’s sister has been Amy’s midwife for all of our girls– and she’s been phenomenal. We called her up. She showed up in no time at all and we got Amy set up and comfortable on the bed. I’d never seen more sheets in my life. I had to ask Michelle if she’d robbed a Bed Bath & Beyond. 

From there, I remember that I was completely goddamn useless. Please take into mind that I was twenty-four and stupid. All I knew was my wife was in pain and I wanted to do something about it, but I got in the way so fucking much that Michelle actually told me to "Go stand over there and shut up”, but Amy, like usual, saved my skin by actually directing my oafish self to sit behind her and rub her back. I highly doubt I was actually helping, at that point, but it was the job I was given so I remember putting a ridiculous amount of effort into… yeah, rubbing her back. That was entirely all I could do. I was useless, I’m telling you.

Amy was amazing, though. My god, she was ethereal. I remember watching her deliver our baby girl and I was just… in awe. Amy was… just… incredible. I was amazed.

Crystal was born and Michelle handed her to Amy and I remember just staring in shock. You couldn’t get a word out of me. I just couldn’t believe she was ours and that was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t get how I could go from not being a father to being a father in a moment’s time and I couldn’t believe that Amy and I had done th– Well, Amy had done this. Let’s be honest, I didn’t do much, hah! Anyway, yeah. Two-and-a-half people saw a grown man cry that day. But yeah. It was just surreal. I stared at her and I don’t think I stopped for at least the first month. She was incredibly small, even though the doctors told us she was a long baby, she just seemed tiny and she had this puff of black hair on her head and the funniest little… scrunched-up nose. My god, I just loved her. She was marvelous. I couldn’t get enough of her.

…

Anyway, Jade. When Jade came around we were still in that apartment. We did not have the room for a second child, but when Amy turned up pregnant again, we both sorta… pretended to be stressed out? But we couldn’t do it. We were excited. We were so excited. Crystal was three at the time and we asked her if she wanted a little sibling and she said “Yup and I want cereal.” Pffffttt. I don’t think she understood, but it was good enough.

This time around, Amy went into labor early and of course, this time, Michelle wasn’t prepared and was on the other side of the community doing a checkup on some other woman, so she needed time to pick up her supplies and get all the way to us.

That was one of the top-ten most terrifying goddamn moments of my fucking life. I called my parents and my father came by to pick Crystal up and take her out to their place and I remember stopping him and just being like… “Dad, what do I do?” and he looks at me, looks into the room where Amy is just howling and he says to me “You’re the father. When the midwife comes, you go to the corner store, get a magazine and go sit in the pub until it’s over.” He was from a different time, I know that, but holy shit was that un-fucking-helpful… and he just left after that.

So I call Michelle again, no answer, I call my mom and my mom tells me to just keep her comfortable. I have no idea how to do that, so I bring Amy some lemon water and a cold rag for her forehead and I just sort of… sit behind her like I did before and let her dig her nails into my forearm when she has a contraction and we pass the time just like that.

Finally, Michelle shows up, sets everything up and it’s probably five minutes after that when Jade was born.  I thought I wouldn’t cry the second time around, but I was a damned fool, a buffoon, to think such a thing. Waterworks; just pathetic. Anyway, just like Crystal, she was a long baby, but instead of the mop her sister had, Jade just had this ridiculous little tuft of hair in the dead center of her head. She looked like Pebbles from the friggin’ Flintstones or something, but she was adorable. I remember we’d take her out and people would just gush over her. She was an angel. For the next few years it was just the four of us and we started looking… and I guess feeling like a little family… .Amy getting pregnant with Amber happened just after we’d just finished building the house we have now and I remember running around like a headless chicken trying to get the place ready. By the time it came time to have her, we were still eating dinner off of the living room coffee table, but the baby room was immaculate! All our shit was in boxes but the girls had picturesque bedrooms, as if they paid the bills or something. Haha! I am getting way off track. Anyway, yeah, Amber’s birth was probably the easiest. We planned way ahead and Michelle actually stayed with us for the week surrounding Amy’s due-date this time, which Amy came rather close to. Amy’s water broke while she was laying on the bed reading next to me, I hollered across the hall for Michelle, my mother came to get Crys’ and Jade, and we were set up and ready to go in…really no time at all. Amy’s labor was pretty similar to her one with Crystal and I was older and wiser by that point, so I was actually able to help talk Amy through it instead of gaping like a goddamn dead fish the entire time. By this point, I knew I was gonna cry. I also remember it being half tears and half jaw-slack shock because she was short, fat and bald. She was exactly what you’d picture a baby being, but none of the things her older sisters were. She was a magnificent little bundle, though. She fit perfectly in the crook of my arm. I remember being so proud of us, too, because we finally actually had a suitable home for the little one… .Ruby was the most shocking pregnancy, because we weren’t actively committed to not having another kid, but after five barren years, we weren’t expecting it. We were thrilled, though. Fuck. I moved the girls’ playroom downstairs and turned the old playroom into Ruby’s nursery and I was so dedicated to that project because, let’s face it, up until that point my real job during Amy’s pregnancies was to feed her and keep her in a good mood. This time I had the space resources to  create this space for this little girl… Oh, and by the way, when the sonographer told us “It’s a girl” we said “We know.” She was all embarrassed thinking we’d already been told by another doctor and we had to explain that we had three other girls at home. We knew. Hah.

Anyway, we planned-ahead again and Michelle slept over. The girls went to stay with my sister this time because my mother desperately wanted to be present at the birth of one of her grandkids, so we had her over, too. This time, when Amy’s water broke, I think the novelty had worn off. I remember she just looked down, looked at me, I raised my brow at her, she said “Yup” and I said “Alright.” Hahaha! Don’t get me wrong, we were super excited, but this wasn’t our first rodeo.

This time, Amy had heard all about the concept of water-births from her sister and was dead-set on trying it, so this time we’d set up this literal fucking kiddie pool in our living room and filled it with warm water and I remember as soon as Amy got in there she was “Ooh-ing” and “Ah-ing” and going “Why didn’t I do this with the other three” et-cetera. She was happy.

But then, yeah, that labor was rough. It went on for hours and Amy was so distressed and tired and I remember she started to panic and was telling me to hold her and that she changed her mind and wanted to have the baby on the bed. Honestly, I think she was just scared and not sure what she wanted. So then, yeah, we couldn’t get her out safely because she couldn’t walk, so I got my ass in that kiddie pool, fully clothed and I situated myself behind her just like the other three births and that seemed to do it. It took a while but she calmed down and we were able to get Ruby out.

Holy mother of god was that one ever emotional. Amy was so fatigued so she gave Ruby to me and I remember laying with my head against my wife’s and holding my daughter and knowing that she was our last and our family had become completely whole and… Jesus. There is no feeling like that. Absolutely none. I can’t describe it, but I know I loved my wife more than I ever have and… Yeah, I don’t really know how to explain that moment further, it was incredible. Yeah. I got a little out of hand here, but you– you really should have expected this. I’ve had four children, hah.“

#holy crap this could be a chapter in itself #but my god this was cute to do #samuel angioli #IC Answer #last answer for the night I think #this took over an hour... so... I need a break #faceclaim ~ benicio del toro

[burningsynecdoche]

Swing

cross-posted on Wattpad!

The Green Knight was the first time they saw a legend coming. Bethany stopped by their lunch table after Thanksgiving break and said without preamble, “There’s a Christmas myth.”

“Nice to see you too,” Ryan groused. “How was your break, ours was nice, Cindy got in a fight with our anti-vax uncle and she didn’t even draw blood, we’re all very proud.”

“I still think he would have deserved it,” Amanda said as she speared a carrot with her plastic spork. Ryan and Cindy had invited her along to Thanksgiving, since her parents had been out of the country for the week and, anyway, her family didn’t really celebrate it. She’d been delighted, especially by all the yelling.

“Probably,” Jen agreed, and smiled at Bethany. “Why don’t you sit down and tell us the Christmas myth?”

Bethany hesitated, but apparently even Jen’s charms weren’t enough for her to actually give in and join their merry band of doomed delinquents. She just said, “Gawain and the Green Knight. Probably an old pagan story, but it was repurposed for Christmas really early on. It’s got a happy ending, usually, but…” She looked over at Amanda and bit her lip. “I’m sorry. Good luck.”

With that, she fled for the safety of the cheerleader table on the far side of the cafeteria. “Join the goddamn discord server already!” Ryan yelled after her retreating back.

“Or at least give Jen your number,” Cindy added, just barely too quiet for Bethany to hear.

Jen turned bright red and raised an apple to throw it at Cindy’s head. Amanda grabbed Jen’s fist and gently but firmly lowered it to the table, and they all pulled out their phones to start researching.

~~~

At eight o’clock on the twenty-first of December, the four of them were gathered at Ryan and Cindy’s place, staring at a pile of pizza boxes that no one had any appetite for. They’d spent three weeks poring over every version of Gawain and the Green Knight the internet could offer up, and in the end they had nothing. No one knew how to defeat the Green Knight, or how to convince him to turn around and leave.

“Do you think he’ll come?” Jen asked. They had brought a fire poker, which they’d belted at their waist like a sword, and they kept rubbing their fingers over the hilt of it. Ryan and Cindy each had a baseball bat leaning against their chairs.

Cindy shrugged, but there was too much tension in her shoulders for it to look at all carefree. “It’s Midwinter. If he really is an old pagan god, then yeah, probably.”

“If he’s an actual god, I don’t think we have much of a shot,” Ryan muttered.

By nine o’clock, half the pizza had been eaten and Jen had made a cardboard airplane from one of the boxes. It could fly almost the length of the patio table, and Ryan was trying to send it back down to Jen with a slice of pizza balanced on its wings. “Do you think it’ll be one of those stroke of midnight things?” Cindy asked fretfully. “Are we gonna be here all night?”

“Probably,” Amanda said, sounding a lot bleaker than she’d meant to. She had the sword across her lap and kept smoothing her hand down the scabbard. “Ring in the new year and all that.”

Jen snorted. “Swing in the new year, you mean.” Ryan and Cindy rolled their eyes in sync.

That was a good cue for a dramatic entrance, Amanda felt. Considering what their lives had turned into lately, she didn’t think it was really all that paranoid of her to glance around the small backyard, peering suspiciously into the shadows by the hedge. She clutched at the sword and wished it had come with armor, or better yet an instruction manual.

The universe, however, did not share her sense of dramatic timing. It was another half hour before the Green Knight arrived.

A sharp clatter from the street was all the warning they got, and it wasn’t enough. None of them had been expecting a moose the size of a lifted pickup to leap clean over the six-foot fence and crash down into the garden. They had been expecting the rider on its back, but somehow seeing a giant up close was very different from expecting to see a giant up close. The four of them sat frozen in mute awe and just stared.

The knight was easily eight feet tall or more, and his skin was bright green. He was dressed in nothing but leather pants and a thin shirt, both of them dark brown. His features were broad and flat – large dark eyes over a wide nose and a wider grin. Perched delicately on a head of dark, curly hair was a crown of holly, and the moose’s antlers were draped with garlands of holly to match. He was barefoot and rode bareback, holding on with just his knees as the moose landed hard and danced in place. Slung over the knight’s bright green shoulder, held in one careless hand, was a battleaxe bigger than his head.

The giant had landed with a toothy grin on his face, but as he looked over the four of them, paralyzed by terror and greasy-fingered from pizza, it turned to a frown, and finally a sneer. “I had thought to test myself,” the giant said in voice so deep it thrummed in Amanda’s chest, so deep it shouldn’t have been possible for a person to make that sound, “against the prowess of the Table Round. Yet all I see before me are children. Battle against you would be…unsatisfying.”

In the stories, this was when the knights of Camelot jumped up in shouted protest, outraged at this slight on their honor.

In the stories, the Green Knight’s observation wasn’t so literal.

No one said a word.

They’d planned for this, or at least they’d tried to. Amanda knew what she was supposed to say, had rehearsed it even, had planned out how to square her shoulders as she stood and what to do with her hands so they wouldn’t hang awkwardly at her sides. The four of them had debated for hours whether she should keep her sword in hand, lay it on the table, or lean it discreetly against her chair. She’d really thought she could do it, too, stand up to a giant and greet him as a host welcomes a guest to their hall, stare him down and smile and keep her voice steady.

She couldn’t move. This shouldn’t take more courage than facing down the wyrms, or the mud monsters, it should be so much easier to offer an invitation than scream out a challenge, but Amanda couldn’t move.

The knight swung down off the moose, somehow hopping down smoothly despite the lack of stirrups and without letting go of his massive axe. Cindy gave out a tiny whimper. Amanda’s gaze flicked over to her: she was white as a sheet, eyes wider than Amanda had ever seen them. Her hand trembled on the baseball bat.

Her fingers had shaken just like that when they were hiding from the wyrms in the restaurant, crouched behind a table, hearts pounding too fast to break down into tears. Cindy’s hands had trembled, and her voice had been a reedy whisper of fear, but when Amanda was thrown through the front windows, Cindy hadn’t run. She’d picked up the sword and charged the wyrms with a blood-curling scream.

“Children,” the knight scoffed, and took a step toward them. Cindy’s fingers tightened on the baseball bat.

Amanda stood.

“Midwinter greetings to you,” she said, trying to project confidence. Her voice felt too loud, brittle like it would snap in the cold night air. She gripped the underside of the table with both hands, both to keep them out of sight and so she’d have something to anchor herself on. Deep breaths, she told herself, deep breaths to keep her tone calm and steady. “We welcome you to our table. We would be honored if you would join our humble feast.”

The knight stopped and raised his bushy eyebrows, unimpressed. “Polite children, at least.” He swung his axe down off his shoulder. It hit the stone tiles of the patio with a thunk. Amanda flinched despite herself.

“We are honored by your visit,” Amanda said, struggling to remember the lines she’d rehearsed. “We hope you will join us at our table and…and break bread with us in friendship.”

The knight chuckled, a deep throaty chuckle that sounded more like a growl. “Well spoken, young king, but I do not come to break bread. I come for a Midwinter challenge.” The Green Knight’s grin dropped from his face. “And I shall have satisfaction ere I go.”

The shadows of the patio seemed to deepen, and flickered in a sudden wind as if the night were lit by firelight rather than the blueish fluorescents that lined the eaves. Amanda’s fingers tightened on the underside of the table.

Fine. Time for Plan B.

“Great knight, as you have seen, we are just children. A challenge of strength would be no challenge at all. Instead, let’s have a challenge of skill and precision.” She glanced at Ryan and Cindy, who each met her gaze with a small, determined nod. One of them would have to do the honors – they were the only ones who stood a chance.

Amanda took a deep breath and looked the Green Knight right in his fierce dark eyes. “Tell me,” she said. “Have you ever heard of baseball?”

#my writing #writeblr #creative writing #one-word prompt #arthuriana #knights of the round table #reincarnated round table #the new arthuriana #which is my tentative name for this story #I kinda want to write more for these characters #and if I do that's what the overarching story will be called

[shes-cured]

33 Changes I’ve seen in myself since getting stable a year ago:

(an overly personal milestone post that you can feel free to ignore)

HYGIENE - I shower on a regular basis. I brush my teeth twice a day. I wash my face twice a day. I change my clothes every single day, even if I’m doing nothing but staying in the house... wild.

I am WORLDS more confident

I can make phone calls without paralyzing anxiety. I’m at the point where I don’t even write out a script any more. I actually prefer phone calls now! (Who am I?)

Since the med change a year ago, I’m not tired all the time. I actually WANT to do things!!!

I’m so much more patient

Assertiveness - I talk about my issues with people when they arise (usually). If someone is important to me, I’m no longer passive aggressive. It’s “I was hurt when you did this” or “I didn’t like this” instead of “no, it’s fine” then blowing up weeks, months or years later at all the little things

Organization, organization, organization - I realized I always forgot to do things, so I have a to do list every day of things I wanna get done. My room is always clean now because it makes me feel better. Fuck guys, I even make the bed.

Handling anxiety - I still get anxiety, but now when I do I usually don’t even notice, because I’m like “alright, I’m anxious, let’s solve it” instead of letting it build and build and build, which makes it minor anxiety, not panic attacks.

My ability to look out for myself and not need others to do it for me. I now take care of my mental health on my own. When I see myself slipping, I don’t have to wait for others to tell me to do something, I do it automatically. I intervene early and make the phone calls I need to make to my doctor/therapist by myself.

I’m not defeated just because I have a mental illness - being bipolar, it was always the dreary outlook of “I’m always going to have episodes, this’ll never go away” but after having the literal best year of my life, it’s like “alright, yeah, I’m gonna have episodes, but you know what? they’re usually shorter and less intense now, because I take care of them properly. and the after? the stability? that’s so worth it.”

I no longer resent being bipolar (most of the time). I’ve accepted it’s something I’ll have to deal with and something that can be problematic, but it’s also something that has made me infinitely more compassionate, understanding, insightful, patient, open-minded and tender than 99% of neurotypicals. Going through what I’ve gone through allows me to see things from perspectives so many people can’t consider.

I can hold down a job. And be damn good at it.

How others see me - I’m seen as “bubbly” now?? People view me as someone “positive” and “optimistic” and “energetic” which was not the case a year ago, lemme tell ya.

My identity - if people called me those things in the depths of my depression, I would’ve been uncomfortable with it, because I identified SO MUCH with being depressed. Who was I if I wasn’t depressed or manic? Who was I when I was stable? For so long, I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t in a state of chaos. Now, I simply view myself as a good person who’s content with life. I go above and beyond when it comes to being kind + generous, because I like being that person. I like giving money to kids selling candy or homeless people on the side of the street that may or may not be con artists, because, god forbid, if that was me, I’d want that.

My values - I know what principles I want to live by and I know what type of person I want to be.

I see the world as good overall - maybe that makes me optimistic, maybe that makes me naive, but I like that. I want to see the world as good, because it makes my life infinitely better. Yes, there are bad people, yes, bad things will happen to me, but so many good people are out there too. So many good deeds are done on a daily basis that would blow my mind to know - even if I don’t hear about them often.

What constitutes a good day - it isn’t everything going my way. A good day might have things that go the complete opposite of how I planned, but if I handle it effectively and constructively, what more can I ask for? If I did well in my reaction, it sounds like I did a great job that day and I’ll be proud of that + call it a good day.

MY MUSIC TASTE - holy fuck, my year-ago-self would hate riding in a car with my now-self because my music is boppy and upbeat and not all slow songs that hit me in the gut

My independence - Instead of “Mom, PLEASE, come with me” it’s “mom, why would you come with me, it’s just ______”

I distance myself from people I don’t like. If someone annoys me or brings me down, I’m not obligated to be BFFs with them, even if they like me. Not clicking with someone (or outgrowing someone) isn’t something to dismiss. Hanging around people I don’t wanna hang around with only makes me irritated, so why would I do that?

MY WRITING - I never would’ve thought this would be something to change (especially not in a good way) but my writing style is so so so so SO much better now. When I read old things, I can tell when I was manic because it’s hectic and sentences are choppy or not well organized. When I was depressed I can tell because it’s elongated and, well… depressing. Being stable has 100000% improved my content.

How I view the future is… different. It’s not pessimistic, but it’s uniquely optimistic in the sense that I don’t have the optimism of “everything is gonna be alright”, because that’s not true. Sometimes, it’s gonna seem like the world is crashing down around me. It has before and it will again. Hell, life will be shittier than ever sometimes. But you know what? I’ve gotten through that before and I will again and I need to go through those times, because it’s in those times that I see myself grow.

Self growth has become what I consider to be the most attractive thing in the world. Changing for the better? Wow, 10/10 beautiful

I accept that sometimes what’s best for me isn’t what I want to do. Sometimes, self care is forcing myself to go to dunkin donuts for a few hours when I’m depressed, even if all I wanna do is lay in a dark room all day, because that’s what’s healthy for me and that’s what will at least slow a downward spiral, if not halt it for a couple hours.

I don’t like being home all day. If I’m home all day, I’m bored. I want to go out, even if it’s just on a walk.

I exercise. Crazy thing…. apparently it actually does help your mental health???

Regular sleep - I KNOW I can’t sleep too much or too little without triggering an episode. Some people might not need to be conscious of that, but I do, so I make sure to keep it between 6-9 hours in order to protect myself from getting unstable.

Eating - I don’t eat healthy foods, but I eat healthy amounts, which is progress.

I embrace who I am. Am I overly bubbly? Yeah. Am I lil weird and nerdy? Oh, it’s not debatable. Are my thought processes hard to understand? Yup, I have to explain them in ten different ways and realize people still won’t fully get them. I can be too closed off and forget that my phone exists more often than not, but I’m working on my flaws, accepting my quirks and have improved myself immensely. I’m proud of that.

I realize I can’t do things some “normal” people can do. I can’t work too many midnight shifts at my job, because it throws my sleep off and can trigger a manic episode. I can’t procrastinate (especially in school), because I’ll get overwhelmed and quickly become suicidal. I need to stick with a firm plan when I do things. I need to make lists or I’ll forget to tell someone something or do something that’s important. I might look weird always writing things down so I don’t forget, but it helps me function and be on my A-game.

My likes are MY likes. It’s okay to be “weird” and like reading and writing fanfics, but it’s also okay to be “mainstream” and like pop music. I don’t need to fight to be this perfect version of unique yet normal. Being myself has made me so happy.

I like finding joy out of super small things. Making small talk with cashiers makes life pleasant. Giving random compliments can shift a whole day around. Showing people how grateful I am when they do nice things (even small things like hold open a door) makes both of us feel better. People typically don’t expect other people to be super nice to them, but I like going out of my way to be super nice, so I am. If my day is bad, making someone else’s day good makes me feel better (and in turn, my day better), so I’m gonna do that, even if some people might find it weird or fake.

I know I’m capable of anything. Whatever happens to me, good or bad, I now have faith in my resilience to go through it. I’ll come out on top, because I always do. I might struggle, I might feel stuck, I might feel like it’s impossible to get through, but I always end up okay in the end.

It’s so crazy, because nowadays, I’m so often told “I don’t know how you can be so positive all the time” or “You are literally always in a good mood” and it blows my mind, because who I was a year ago was a good person, but not that person. 

However, what’s also important to remember is that I am who I am now because I did the work it took to get here and I do the work to stay here every day. I check in with myself. I go to my appointments. I take my meds every day (I haven’t missed a single dose in six months). I cope healthily, even when it feels like it’s not helping, because at least it’s not making things worse. 

I do the annoying things “normal” people don’t have to do without being bitter about it, because at the end of the day I also find so much more joy out of life than “normal” people do, because I remember exactly how dark and meaningless things can seem. I celebrate so many things most people take for granted and I make sure to keep celebrating them, because contentment and stability and balance isn’t something to take for granted. 

I’m really proud of how far I’ve come and where I’m at.

#personal #bipolar #mental health #mental illness #depression #mania #recovery #lesbian #me

[mediocremom01]

Breastfailing

I originally wanted to wait to write this post as I wanted a successful breast feeding journey. BUT here I am, and I think I've officially had enough. I am all for ‘fed is best’ and whatever you feed your baby I'm proud of you for giving them what they need and to grow and be strong. HOWEVER, I don’t give myself the same standards. Before having a baby I had the mindset of ‘I’m going to try to breast feed but if I can’t its no big deal, I'll feed him formula’ Literally the first night of having my baby, I was 100% invested in breast feeding. I have a LONG and emotional breast feeding journey. Here is how mine and my sons journey went with breast feeding. Prepare... it’s a LONG post

First hour: Not latching, Nurses throw nipple shield at me. I get my son to have WHATEVER colostrum I have, who knows if its enough, but he seemed content for the first two days. He would only use a nipple shield from here on out- will explain more later. Also the nurses were AGGRESSIVE and awful with helping me. When I say aggressive I mean shoving my sons face in my boob with his mouth closed and SQUEEZING my boob.

Day three noon: Didn’t have enough wet diapers and about to be discharged early after a c-section thanks to COVID. Babies at this point have the same number of wet diapers as they are old... so he should have had three. My husband and I questioned his output and we were pushed aside. I also reached out to the nurses because it was taking my son an hour to eat colostrum... Babies at this age have TINY stomachs and it should not take long to fill him up. No lactation consult was given to me at any point even when we asked

Day three midnight: My son was hysterical. Every time I tried to breast feed him (with the nipple shield) he would suck a few times then pass out, which you think “oh he’s “milk drunk”” but not even 5 minutes later he woke up screaming and hungry. This went on until 4am when I finally broke down hysterically crying and my husband took him and fed him formula which he gulped down in seconds then passed out for 4 hours. I was devastated. Devastated that I clearly just starved my son and that I didn’t do what he needed from me most which brings in a lot of guilt.

Day four: we go see a lactation consultant and she said my colostrum isn’t enough for him and to supplement until my milk comes in. He lost 10% birth weight and needed to come back in a few days.

Day six: follow up with lactation consultant. My milk finally comes in and she gives me three days to come back for a weight check and weighted feed. I feel good at this point thinking that now my milk is in I can give my baby what he needs. He starts to eat my milk but is still taking over an hour to eat but at this point he falls asleep and sleeps for a good few hours. I’m feeling like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders and the guilt fades now that I can feed my baby.

Day nine: go in for a weighted feed but I screwed up and fed him right before the car ride. He was hysterical and hungry i couldn’t starve him just for a “weighted feed”, so I did what I thought was best. We see the consultant and she’s happy with his weight gain.

From here until our two week check up something changes. His naps are no longer for two to three hours they’re more like an hour. He’s feeding close to two hours. I felt like I couldn’t keep him off my boob but when I googled or spoke to any mom friends it was normal and known as cluster feeding. That he was trying to get my milk to increase so he would have enough as he got older. This cluster feeding started to be all day and night.

Two week check up: his doctor says that his weight is a slow gain but once he hits his birth weight it should sky rocket. His diaper output is perfect. I mention the “cluster feeding” she says it’s normal and should subside soon. He’s still using the nipple shield. I mention to her how he looks yellow and she said his bilirubin levels have decreased since birth he’s fine. I feel good but still questioning why he’s at my breast for so long.

3 weeks old: I scheduled a new lactation consultant because I felt the cluster feeding was too often to be all day every day. He also was still eating 2-3 hours at a time before taking a nap and sometimes he wouldn’t even nap he would sleep at my breast, I would try to move him then he would wake up and want to eat again. This consult was over zoom thanks to covid :( she looked at his latch and I brought up all concerns and she blamed the slow eating on the breast sheild and recommended breast compressions and massage while he’s active on the breast. I did what she said and it seemed to help a little but not much, she just kept pressing trying to get him off the nipple shield.

4 weeks old: I call the doctor because his jaundice isn’t getting better and they argued with me for awhile but because he was slow weight gain they said okay. While we were there he only gained a few oz... doctor said that we had to do another weight check in two weeks. While I was there his bilirubin stayed the same, doctor claimed it was breast milk jaundice and it could take weeks to get out of his system. The levels weren’t harmful but noticeable in his skin and eyes.

5 weeks old: I schedule a different lactation consultant but this time someone who could meet me in person. We do a weighted feed and evaluation. 1 hour prior to the visit he was hysterical so I fed him expressed breast milk via bottle and he had 1oz. While she was there He took in 1.5oz. She said that because he took 1oz prior to the appointment and 1.5oz now he was getting enough and I was producing adequately. She saw a tongue and lip tie and told us to have his pediatrician look at it to be released. She said it could be the reasoning as to why he needs the nipple tie and isnt sucking as efficiently.

6 weeks old: his pediatrician says there are no ties and his suck is fine. We discuss his slow weight gain once again. I express my concern about him eating all day and not napping. Like seriously eating all day. The moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he’s just connected to my boob and not sleeping. He cries every time I unlatch him, I’m barely eating and drinking at this point because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom and I don’t have time to eat or have hands to eat.

7 weeks: I get a second opinion with a pediatric dentist. He says both tongue and lip ties are grade three and we discuss the complications of them. I pay OOP to get them released. He said that it would take time but he should start to eat efficiently.

8 weeks: I’m able to feed him 70/30 with nipple shield and without it. Which is an amazing start from someone that had to use it EVERY time. He still is eating all day and not napping. At this point I’m getting REALLY exhausted. Guilt and frustration fill me every time I feed him. “I wish you could just eat better” “I’m sorry I cant have the nipples that make it easier for you” “is my supply even there?” “Come on baby boy, stay active I know you’re hungry”. We go to his 2 month check up and see a new pediatrician. He states that his weight is in the 9th percentile and has only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. At this point he should be gaining more and he recommends I start supplementing with breast. We also find out that he has a severe dairy allergy which has been causing his rash issues, green mucus poops, bad gas and severe reflux. I need to cut diary out of my diet and buy dairy free formula.

9 weeks: I decide to pump and bottle feed with formula. I’m only pumping 1-2 oz at a time total which CLEARLY shows I don’t have a good milk supply. At this point I can’t get dairy out of my breast milk fast enough for him. His reflux and gas are so bad he’s spitting up half an oz per oz. I’m advices to take a break from breast feeding and just formula feed to heal him.

9 weeks and 6 days: I’ve officially thrown in the towel. I’m so exhausted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I’m no longer a happy mommy. Yesterday we the first night I didn’t nurse him to sleep. It was heart breaking for me. I feel so much failure, sadness, and guilt. Why couldn’t my breasts provide you what you need. I gave breast feeding my everything. I’ve consumed so many different lactation products, power pumping, kept you at the breast every hour and every day since I had you. My breast milk was causing you so much pain internally and you were so hungry that I couldn’t ever satisfy. I feel so selfish that I carried on this journey when we had issues from the start. I feel inadequate and that I didn’t try harder. Maybe if I weren’t a single mom I’d have more energy to push through and make my breast milk dairy free but you don’t like to be put down ever so it makes pumping so hard. I’m sorry little man, I have it my all. At least this formula will fill you up and won’t give you tummy issues

I’m repeatedly saying “I’m a good mom” today because I don’t feel like one. One day this will be a memory and I don’t want it to be a negative one. Trying to find the good when I’m crushed our breast feeding journey has been a complete failure. But you’re with me now taking a nap on me which was never a thing before. So I’m going to soak in these snuggles.

#breastfeeding #first time mom #mom #boymom #fed is best #failure

[zzpopzz]

Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story*  I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely  by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed  repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

#toumaki #tweetdump #rant #poopask

[asplashofvodka]

B.A.P. Party Baby NYC 2017 Fan Account

So it’s like 80 years late buuuuutttttttt I figured I might as well write down this fan account to continue with the tradition. I’m going to put concert, hi touch, and photo together into one. Gifs and photos included, pray for your internet.

Alright, so I came into the city late the night before the concert and met my 2 friends for a relaxing night. Sadly I had to work that day so I missed some of the earlier fun. We stayed near Grand Central for a change this year. We hung out in the lounge of the hotel for a while and just joked around most of the night, a much needed precursor from what was gonna be the day from hell.

So while we enjoyed our night for bit we actually had two of our friends lining up before us that we were planning to join a little after midnight. When we were just about to leave she actually called us and told us that security had made them all leave because it was too cold and they didn’t want anyone getting hurt or anything. It was nice because it was FREEZING that night, and if you’ve never been to Terminal 5 it’s right near an underpass and next to the water, not the best combo for camping out. 

SOOOOOO onto show day!!!!

We lined up around 6 a.m. … we gave our friends a break since they stayed out. Steph, Megan and myself were nice enough to bring hot packs for majority of the line cause everyone looked like a popsicle. After the line was split up we actually got lucky enough to be interviewed for the Fomo Daily video, thank god a lot of the awkward stuff got cut out. <_< 12+hours in line wasn’t so bad for the simple fact all of our friends were in line with us.

So fast forward to concert time.

Our view.

Real life right here. I’ve never been this close for a concert of a group I hardcore stan. So although we were in the corner of the stage we had… an eventful, let’s say, evening.

I have to give props to the DJ B.Shoo cause he just had to go and pull out songs we weren’t expecting. I honestly can’t even remember what the song was but all of the people in my section were LIT. There was actually a staff… possibly manager standing there and he started to record the crowd. Where that video went, the world may never know. So he leaves after he records and then another Korean staff member shows up and stays by the curtain we’re in front of. Normal enough… or so we thought. 

The DJ’s set ends and the intro video starts playing. Cue all the craziness and excitement. While everyone is going insane over the video, my friend Megan and I both notice people appearing one by one behind this curtain and we start to lose our shit. Honestly, it was like, “Oh, I think I see someone behind there… oh look two more… SHIT THERE’S 5 OF THEM…6 NOW!” All while this staff member is laughing at us. 

First song was the Hurricane Remix. I’m not a huge EDM/House person so I can go along and tolerate it. Lol 

Next was BADMAN. BITCH YES. JUST YESSSSS. This remix is still hands down my favorite. I was hoping they were all gonna hit the choreography flawlessly like last time but alas Himchan. First he was too early and then completely forgot what the hell he was doing and actually slipped off stage while laughing at himself. LMFAO Jongup and Zelo still killed that choreo IDGAF!

After that was No Mercy and BANGX2. I honestly couldn’t even tell you what happened during this cause I was too hype. The only thing I remember was the long ass staring contest Daehyun and I had for NO DAMN REASON. NONE WHATS SO EVER and none of my friends noticed it, but it is in photo.

I’VE BEEN WAITING MONTHS TO HEAR FINALLY HEAR THAT’S MY JAM AND DO WHAT I FEEL LIVE. I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED AT ALL. I FUCKING LOVE THESE SONGS. I was ready for it, my friends were ready for it but the staff member was surprised as hell at our enthusiasm. He was thoroughly amused by us.

Dancing in the Rain is always a cute song, you can’t hate it.

The dress code pick happened next. That was an interesting 5 minutes. So, Himchan is my bias, not secrets there. I was dressed for a Himchan pick is all I’m gonna say. My friends thought it would be hilarious to SCREAM AND SHOUT for him to pick me… from not only next to me but also in other spots down the front where others were standing. -_- Guys,pls. At one point they screaming so loud and pointing at me that not only was the staff member DYING AT MY SUFFERING but Youngjae and Daehyun started to look over to our area and I had to duck and hide behind people. Let’s not ever… nah no. It was a cute little segment though, I totally would’ve spilled my drink on Himchan too if I would’ve been that close too. Them feels are seriousssss.

NEXT WERE THE SOLOS AND BITCHHHHHHHHHHH…. WHEW LAWD.

I believe it was Jongup, Zelo, Youngja in terms of order but my feels were attacked so I can’t be sure. 

JONGUP. MOON. FUCKING. JONGUP. HE DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH THE HATERS, BAND WAGONERS, AND DENIERS OF FEELS. TRY MY LUCK THERE’S NOTHING I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS THAT DOESNT INCLUDE AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF SWEARING. Just know you guys got the tame and PG shit for TV promotions. FUCK IT UP, MOON JONGUP FOR LIFE. 

Zelo decided that the year 2017 he would return to his sweet and innocent appearance after fucking the floor last year. Thanks, bro. Appreciate it. The song is actually really cute though and I need the recorded version, get on that TS.

YOUNGJAE. 

YOO.

YOUNGJAE.

I have this deep deeeeppppppp LOVE HATE with Youngjae (mainly love but still) he didn’t have to come for life this way. I didn’t need it, didn’t want it, I just wanted to live peacefully that day. His solo…. I literally found the corner of the banister, rested against it, covered my mouth in amazement and didn’t move for the duration of his solo. He didn’t have to remind me why he’s bias 1.5 like that. Jesus. Also I need that studio version too.

Fermata, I Guess I Need U, and Body and Soul… Im not even gonna try and explain the level of I CANNOT reached.

Skydive, Young Wild and Free and Wake Me Up in a row… OT6 FOR LIFE. FUCK ME UP. They killed it and us.

Now for Wake Me Up apparently we did a little much. As if we didn’t go hard enough for the other two songs, us continuously doing the choreography got us recorded during Wake Me Up… by the staff… who also turned out to be one of their managers. At first he tried to sneakily record us but I caught him and laughed and he stopped. Then he did it again and didn’t care that we saw him. Which he then scurried to the backstage area as soon as that song was over. Yeah….

So after that Zelo came back out and take us the hormone increasing dance (2014 concert goers should remember that one). No one knew what the fuck they were doing it was hilarious.Check on starts playing and all of sudden my friends and I start to notice that BAP is gradually looking more and more to our corner, which for the most part went kinda unnoticed for the other half of the show. Now I’m not gonna say they saw it, but I can say for a fact that manager posted it on his instagram that same night. (which also took me a whole week to find ) But the next bunch of songs were the fun ones Spy, Feel So Good, Be Happy and Carnival.

They did their usual goodbye talk before performing B.A.B.Y *thug tear* That was supposed to be the end, but it wouldn’t be a BAP concert without an encore. They did BANGX2 again. 

Now it’s time for the Hi-Touch and photo op shenanigans. 

They had everyone with Hi-touch go first, they turned it into a whole damn exercise circuit. Just what everyone wanted to do, climb 3 floors, come down and go back up. But anyway…  So the panic was real guys. So the order I can remember was Youngjae, Zelo, Daehyun, Jongup, Yongguk and Himchan. Literally my death in the beginning and end.

So before we get to go up to the guys the staff is doing their annoying “phones away,” “don’t give them presents,” “hurry up” speeches. I roll my eyes and continue walking to the guys. 

Youngjae is first. Lord jesus I wasn’t mentally prepared, but my makeup was still in tact. *bless you Laura Mercier powder* He is the only dude I know that is ALWAYS ready before the damn fan that’s meeting him. He was already eyeing me before I got up to him. His usual smirk followed by a cute smile after I hi fived him.

I was actually proud of myself this hi touch cause I was able to look at and actually hi five everyone this time while still mentally dying.

Next was Zelo… he’s tall as shit… why? Anyway he smiled and I high fived him and went on to the next one.

JUNG. DAEHYUN. What’s your deal, bro?! So I get to Dae, I was prepared this year to feel close as fuck to him as always. Apparently he was not and made it obvious… VERY OBVIOUS. So I get to him and look him dead in his eyes and this boy legit goes O_O and looked shocked as al holy hell. I actually tilted my head a little and giggled at him and he kinda recollected for a second, but I felt victorious for once. 

Megan 1- BAP - 3 Years

Anyway… onto Rude Boy Jongup. So he was right after Dae and ISTG I don’t know what was going on that night but he too felt the need to look at me with a squint but from under his fringe so I was confused.

Next was Gukkie! He’s so cute and friendly at hi touches. He looked so good though, thank goodness I’m not a Guk stan. That’s like instant death.

So last but not least, Kim Himchan.

One question, just one. WHATTHEACTUALFUCKHIMCHANWHYTHEFUCK?!

We’re going to take a little mental journey to understand this. So Himchan is last but he’s not behind the table like everyone else. He’s actually at the outside corner, so if you’re walking towards him you can see him straight on not an angle. 

Ok so as I’m done hi fiving Yongguk, I turn so I can face Himchan, normal course of action right now. Would’ve been a quick go through had when I turned his hand be ready for a hi five and he would’ve been looking at my face.

Till this day this part gets me all flustered and gets my nerves going. *deep breathing*

So I turn slightly to see Himchan checking me out in the most shameless way. This man is a greaseball and I KNOW THIS. BUT NOTHING. NOTHINGGGG COULD’VE  PREPARED ME. So he’s checking me out, at least from hip/thigh area and slowly pans up to my face and then proceeds to bite his lips and smirk at me and then put his hand up for a hi five.

We’re gonna have seat for a minute cause LORD HAVE MERCY IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME AT THAT MOMENT TO CONTAIN EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING.

For reference Himchan’s face was basically this Xuimin gif. 

Like… how does one act normal in this situation. Well if you’re me, you try to give off the most controlled shocked face and act dead inside so you don’t get arrested.

For reference

 Me:

So I high five him and proceed to high tail it the entire fuck outta there as quickly as possible. I made it to the hallway where I then had my breakdown, still couldn’t speak and explain anything then though. 

If you had photo op they made you go allll the way back up stairs and pick your groups. Two of my friends are Zelo bias so they weren’t even gonna attempt to take a pic with each other. lmfao So we found this other group of girls and I deadass went and asked any of them if they were Himchan bias and luckily no one was. Then this staff comes over and is like “Who wants to be line leader?” I was like fuck it i’ll do it. I get to be the first person to pick a spot duh! So I tell my friends to line up behind me so they can get to their biases before the other girls and they do. So we get downstairs and we’re dying all over again cause now we’re the first people they see in the line and as soon as the group thats with them leaves, Youngjae and some of them look over at us. Great,

I look Youngjae in face again, smile and casually walked and stood in between him and Himchan. My other friends got lucky and all got to stand with their bias too. *YAAASSSS* Now, I had made it a mental note to stand a little bit away from them cause I have a butt and didn’t want to bump into one of them. All I would need to haunt me forever. Despite all my attempts, I did end up bumping into someone… I don’t even wanna know who cause I’m traumatized enough from that day, lol But a girl was rushing to kneel in front of me and I scooted back just a tad and bam… leg or something. I’ve never readjusted so fast in my life. The picture was taken and I took off in a diagonal for the gift table cause we left our stuff over there. (One of the staff was not happy about it but we didn’t care) There was amusing shit that happened on the other side with my friends Daph and Megan but I can’t even begin to get that story correct. All I know is Daphne booked it for the table while I was waiting for her and had BAP in hysterics. 

Then as we were leaving we told the manager we would see him next year and ran out of there as fast as possible.

Also here’s Himchan’s face in our photo… which I conveniently compared it to the FSG face for you.

If you find the full i’m the one in the red. 

‘twas a hell of a night.

Fin. 

#BAP fan account #BAP #LOE NYC 2017 #party baby world tour #himchan #yoo youngjae #daehyun #zelo #yongguk #jongup #hi touch #jesus lord help #the feels are strong with this one

[dherzogblog]

THE DARK ANGEL OF THE ALLMAN BROTHERS

The Allman Brothers were the first true rock band I ever loved. A guitar band for a kid who didn’t really like guitar bands. More importantly, they became a gateway drug for me.
The band’s sound combined blues, country, rock, and jazz, creating their own unique version of Americana. I could draw a straight line from them to my love of everything from Willie Nelson and Taj Mahal to Bobby “Blue"Bland and Weather Report. 
I discovered them originally at summer camp. I’m guessing 1972. “Live At The Fillmore West” or “Eat A Peach” could be heard blaring from every cabin. Duane Allman had already passed away becoming an instant rock martyr/ guitar legend in the process., and bass player Berry Oakley died a year later. By the time I came aboard, the band’s future seemed very much in doubt. Then, against all odds, they delivered their commercial breakthrough with “Brothers And Sisters” in 1973. It ignited shouts of “sell out” from the purists while simultaneously jump starting the 70’s Southern rock boom. 
But things quickly turned sour for the group as success, drugs and numerous other issues left them in shambles by the mid/late 70’s. Group members splintered off into bands like Dicky Betts & Great Southern, and Sea Level. 
Gregg’s post Allman solo era was particularly confusing. First there was his WTF marriage to Cher, followed by their god awful album together. Then even more disappointingly was his testimony against a former road manager in a drug trial. Finally it all completely fell apart in bitterness and acrimony.
There were ups and downs for many years after …reunion albums followed by break ups, followed by more shitty reunion albums, followed by break ups.
Somehow in 1987, against the odds, Gregg scored a solo chart hit with “I’m No Angel” that surprisingly garnered heavy rotation on MTV. 
By 1990 there was a pretty decent reunion record and reconstituted band that had added monster guitarist Warren Haynes, and bassist Allen Woody to the mix. There was also an early MTV Unplugged taping (no small thanks to myself and Van Toffler) that alongside the emerging “Jam Band” movement suddenly put the rejuvenated group back on the radar and back on the road to strong notices.
In 1992 they began an annual residency at The Beacon Theater each March in NYC that would continue until 2014. I remember attending a show during that first run. I raised some eyebrows at MTV by forgoing a U2 (Zoo TV Tour) show that night in favor of my beloved ABB. 
I would catch that U2 show later, one of the greats for sure. (I can hear all you U2 fans gasping as I write this) The choice for me that night was easy, reconvene with a band I was emotionally attached to, versus seeing one that I just never connected with in that same way. 
I had organized the night with some of my oldest friends to check out one of our favorite bands and enjoy a night of nostalgia and classic rock. What we heard that evening surprised us all. While we were treated to a number of our favorite songs, they were all played with an intensity and purpose that elevated them way beyond an oldies show. 
The addition of Warren, Woody (who would also later pass away), and ultimately Derek Trucks helped evolve the band into something really exciting and fresh. These musicians pushed the old music forward, created new music along the way, and transformed the band into an exciting ensemble that never failed to disappoint live. I made it to at least one show nearly every year, even after moving to LA. You never got the same set twice, improvisation and musicianship was given equal weight to playing the hits the fans wanted.
In the last few years they would have special guests join them, whose presence could influence the tone of the show. For instance, if the Asbury Horns were on hand, you might get a more bluesy, R&B influenced set with some Last Waltz style covers. 
One night up in Harlem (the year The Beacon was being remodeled), I heard a mind bending jazz rock set with James “Blood” Ulmer that would have made the “Bitches Brew” era Miles Davis proud.
The band lasted way longer than they had any right to, managing to evolve and expand, inspiring transcendent performances when most of their peers were just out touring the hits. Over the last 25 years they actually improved their brand. The dynamic collective of musicians staying true to the group’s original ideals, yet managing to move forward in their own way. Throughout the years, rooting for Gregg had its challenges. I always admired his music, songwriting, and vocals. But some of the personal stuff clouded my view.
I recall encountering him in person two times (both involved elevators).
The first time was in LA , Summer of 1980. I was with CNN waiting to interview the band at the old Westwood Marquis. They were promoting “Reach For The Sky”. 
The band was late, and when they arrived in the lobby we all piled into the elevator to go up to do the interview. They were already half in the bag and giggling and whispering to one another. When we got upstairs they quickly excused themselves. They said they need a minute to hit the head. About 20 minutes later they showed up, completely coked out of their minds.
For a group still trying to recover it’s good name they couldn’t have been less interested in the interview. They were completely wasted and obnoxious. In an era that was in the midst of a new wave fad and about to birth MTV, they seemed like a band out of time rather than the timeless band they would later become.
The next encounter was in an elevator at The Waldorf Astoria Hotel in 1995, the night they were inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 
Gregg was nearly comatose. He literally looked like a cadaver and could barely stand, held up only by the wall behind him. Even given what I knew, I found his condition shocking, and sad. He wrote about what horrible shape he was in then
in his autobiography “My Cross to Bear” in 2012.
My take away from that book is that while he certainly had his share of issues and personal demons, he was also the reluctant leader of the band his brother Duane left behind. I thought his attitude toward Dicky Betts who led the group when he was either unwilling or unable to (or both), was somewhat unfair. 
During the last few runs at The Beacon, courtesy of old pal and band manager Bert Holman, I got passes that allowed me to watch the show from the side of the stage. I would stay there to see the band play the first 2 or 3 songs before heading to my seat in the hall. The last few times I noticed Gregg moved gingerly to his organ and keyboards and did not look well at all.
I saw him for the final time in November of 2015 at The City Winery in Manhattan. A low key affair with a small band covering The Allman’s repertoire, solo stuff and a cover here and there. He did not look particularly strong. It was supposed to be the first of an annual solo residency he would perform there. A legend making his victory lap. He was unable to perform the year after, and never made it back.
Gregg Allman was no angel. He readily admitted as much himself in print and song. Not all of our rock gods are going to be superheroes like Bono, Bruce, or Stevie Wonder. Gregg never seemed interested in saving the planet. He struggled just to save himself.
I think as I think about his passing, I am crushed by the finality of it all. Tragedy, in fighting, and drug addiction were never able do this band in. Somehow the music managed to survve it all. And even though the current version of the band called it quits in 2014, I honestly expected them to return in some way shape or form. They always did. 
But with the recent passing of both Butch Trucks and now Gregg, four of the original six members (and both actual brothers) are gone. 
I recently took a 15 day road trip through the south visiting civil rights and music landmarks. There is no doubt the music portion was partly inspired by The Allman’s and the musical journey they took and passed on to fans like me. That road goes on forever.
 So now the band is done, The Midnight Rider has left town for good, and he never did let them catch him.

[gray-anxiety]

No Sympathy Facts/ the chaos of my brain

I kept forgetting the damn name

Legit

Like “No… no wHAT????? Oh”

Aella is a name associated with storms and wind, so I gave her that name because I wanted someone who really did embody that

I kept wanting to spell Aella’s name allen smh

This book started when i finally got off my ass and convinced myself to do a mafia au. The entire plot was pulled out of my ass in a period of brainstorming that kept me up until 5:30 the next morning

I actually sketched out the apartment’s layout so I could see it better.

later I actually designed a messy version of what it’d somewhat be like in the sims

Karanese is actually a district in the Attack on Titan universe :)

Each chapter takes me like 2 hours to write simply because I play out each and every ending in my head and choose the best one I’d want to see in a story

Other times I legit just have a feeling like I absolutely know how a chapter plays out like Chapter 3’s murder fight scene. It just came to me and all I had to do was describe it like I had just watched a movie

Chapter one took a total of seven hours to write

The plot twists were created when I asked myself what cliche can I change?

(Except I kept a few just to make fun of it I.E. roommates and badboy x nerdy character because that shit is hilarious and can really show the dynamic of how different each character really is)

Chapter two bore me to death to be honest

An actual example of my brainstorming while writing down facts:

I have no idea what the fuck to do after chapter 3 help

I pretty much said fuck it to planning out a plot and just wung it

Where am I gonna place Hange and the others

What about Eren lol

OH SHIT I JUST HAD THE IDEA THAT HANGE AND AELLA WERE FRIENDS BEFORE AELLA WAS KICKED OUT AOUFHALIUEHFALIUEHF

THEY’D TOTALLY BE LESBIANS FOR EACH OTHER

How’d you come up with the name for No Sympathy?

hilarious answer, actually. I spent two damn hours laying on my bed googling “what’s your mafia nickname” to just messing around with broken languages on google translate until it just popped in my head. Pretty much I was like “oh shit that sounds lit and fearsome lets do it bois” and yeah

I’m actually making this list of fun facts while writing each chapter. I’m going to start working on chapter 4 tomorrow and hopefully get my shit together to make a somewhat good plot??

Lmao I lied I got really fucking lazy and wrote the chapter at 11 at night and published it at midnight

I wrote everything about no sympathy in one iCloud note and titled it “No sympathy; the complete chaos of making a book”

The true main character of No Sympathy is actually Levi since I feel like I understand him completely since I relate to him so much; making Levi the easiest character I’ve written about ever. Though, his true character (in my opinion) doesn’t necessarily shine through in the beginning chapters as Levi don’t get along with new people, but you can see him warm up to Aella by doing her homework, dragging her out of the party, etc.

I’ve realized I have a distinct writing pattern while writing No Sympathy: comma, semi-colon, double dash. (Chapters two and three really showcase it as I wrote those two back to back in the car)

Had I actually had the inspiration and the motivation to write this almost a year ago, I would’ve been writing about the mafia at 13, which is an absolute hilarious thought to think about when I look back to my previous fanfics. Then again, my dumbass 14-year-old self is just as clingy as my dumbass 13-year-old self lmaoo

I gave Aella the same birth day (not year lmao) as mine (September 10) so she’d be 17 during the first month of school and 18 for the rest of the book

Going off of that fact, Levi is exactly 1 year and 8 months older than Aella (I kept his original birthday)

My cat demanded that I gave him cuddles and attention so I had to stop writing for one entire day because he wanted cuddles

Normally my cat just lays on my chest while I write b u t n o he wanted cuddles

If Levi never came into the picture Aella would probably date Hanji (for all of those fellow LGBTQIA+ readers and readers that really love Hanji)

While writing chapter 1 I listened to Ghost by Halsey on repeat and I think if you read while playing the exact song it somewhat shows in the pace I set for readers.

The term ‘block class’ is actually derived from what my own high school (even though I’m not even fully considered a freshman yet jfc) uses when referring to a 90 minute class

The book Technically begins on a Saturday with Levi — the actual power duo meet that Monday (because unlike dumbass schools in real life, their first day of school was on a Monday instead of the Friday before.) on their first day. That Tuesday was chapter 4, Wednesday being chapter 5, Thursday being chapter 6 (we skip Friday because it doesn’t fucking matter in the story lmao), and Saturday being the day of the party.

Writing an x reader but without the reader was really fucking hard, honestly. I couldn’t just randomly say ‘Levi looked over at the H/C girl working on her homework across from him’ as it’d just be weird, so I thought of the next best thing and never described Aella — making her free for interpretation of her looks.

I was going to have Aella have a name reveal like ‘my real name is Y/N…’ but then I was like “No what? Fuck it. Levi already knew from the beginning after looking at her documents.”

No Sympathy was actually going to be an original story, but Levi’s character fit so well I decided to make it a fanfic.

I actually wanted to stop writing after chapter 3 because I didn’t know what to do with the plot, but I asked my friend for help coming up with the plot using the paragraphs of ideas I had to make an actual plot. So, I can successfully say I owe it to her for helping and the one sentence that kept me going in my head: “I want to make a story I’m proud of.” So I fucked up my (nonexistent, really lmao) sleeping and eating schedules and started working on this book everyday even when I didn’t post a chapter that day.

Though, it’s not really specified in the early chapters, Aella was bullied into being hated by the entire school — leaving her to be all alone, which actually happened to me and gave me PTSD after transferring.

Ironically, I gave Aella a ton of reactions and characteristics I would/ just generally have, but I see myself more in Levi, which is probably why I prefer writing about him over Aella.

As of writing this, chapter 5 is currently my favorite chapter as it is a mix of a filler chapter and a regular important chapter still just as important as the rest.

Depression and PTSD actually got in the way of writing so many times I actually am surprised I’ve written so much

As writing has always been my go to for letting out everything (as I have z e r o close friends lmao) I actually don’t realize when I’m done with each chapter until I realize I’m out of ideas for said chapter.

I don’t even realize I write about 2,000 words until it’s like “oh,,”

No Sympathy wasn’t just any fanfic for me, it was like I was actually Aella seeing the entire story unfold from beginning to finish

I tried to push myself to describe more, as I’ve noted while rereading my previous shitty fanfics — I struggled describing everything.

I tried to not have the basic “tch”, “brat”, and just random cursing from Levi unless it was at the exact wrong time (or I just put it in because I could totally see him saying that in said situation)

I tried characterizing Hanji as someone who wasn’t the basic overexcited dumbass most fanfics portray her as — instead I tried thinking of her as an actual person with reactions and different moods  and tried to embody that each time I wrote her

Character development is a huge thing Ive been trying to work on ever since I wrote A Valkyrie and a Mischievous God (though that character development and story sucked ass and I cringe at how popular it’s gotten), and a huge target for it was none other than Aella. At the beginning you could see she felt trapped in an endless cycle of stress and fending for herself, but when Levi came in and was like “lmao I have money you don’t have to stress” she felt like she was in an odd spot, and eventually after she reunited with Hanji she started to feel more free

Parents were completely cut out of this story because I genuinely don’t know how to write them as mine are either states away by choice or always working, so I just had Aella get kicked out and had her entire family gone.

My best ideas surface at 4 am when I’m trying to fucking sleep

Help me

But hey I now have a new passion for this book

I generally didn’t know how to end it

buT THEN I D I D

A huge thing for me, and my entire driving motion for writing this was a simple sentence: “I want to write something I’m proud of.”

Am I proud of this?

Eh. It’s not shitty, I suppose. I could always do better.

Characterization was so difficult for me. I wanted to stray from basic fanfics of an overly hyper Hange (though, I couldn’t help in some situations, but after watching an entire season and a half in one day, you notice personality changes) and write and more serious one — except I’m a damn shitty author with so many grammatical mistakes my ex-mentor would literally rip her hair out.

Writing a book has always been my goal, and I know this is the only thing that will ever come close to it.

I have another Levi x reader planned, but I always hate doing the basic ‘_____’ ‘Y/N’, etc because it literally drives my depressed self I n s a n e when writing

Most times for my outline summaries of the chapters I just put my name in place of Aella lmao

I actually struggled a lot when writing this; sometimes I even broke down thinking no one liked this book or I wasn’t a good enough author to write anymore.

My asshole self mainly spent my summer writing this rip

Currently, as it is July 2nd, I am literally hoping to Levi that I fucking get this done before August or else I’m so fucking screwed with beginning high school and shit.

Oh yeah btw, I’M NOT FUCKING READY FOR THE FINAL SEASON. I’LL BE A DAMN SOPHOMORE AND THAT IN ITSELF K I L L S ME

I don’t know if I’m actually going to continue with this book, but have these collected facts I started writing the moment the first chapter was out :,) It’s already September and my past dumbass was right

High school is kicking my ass

I have another story idea/plot written out and I really like it so idk. I think I’d stop halfway again because I’d think that no one would like it

#no sympathy

[mstrangebird]

2018

I posted this on my other blog but still I want to have this here.

I finished my wrapped up on January 3rd around 3 in the evening. I wrote them down in 2 different blank pages. At the beginning, on January 1st if I’m not mistaken, I wrote on my laptop, separated them into some sections like usual but then, it got hard. I didn’t know why. It was just really hard to rewind everything in my head, so I stopped. In the afternoon of January 3rd, I tried again. But then I chose to write on my journal book with my hand. I didn’t separate them and just poured everything that I felt it was needed for reflection. And I successfully finished it with a good bye and warm smile still hoping it won’t go away.

I read them few times. And I decided I won’t publish all of them. I remembered what the purpose of writing down what happened in a whole year is: for reflection, sorting out what’s good, so I can keep it up and what’s bad, so I could do better. I, right now, somehow question myself why I put them here in a first place if it is pure for my own way to reflect. Weird, but I did.

It is (((too))) personal. That’s my main reason

Every time I typed something, I ended up erasing it. Gosh. This is my weakness. Once I told a very simple thing, the other would follow. I can’t really sort of what needs to be posted.

Anyway…

Have you ever felt so stuck? That you just stood there without knowing what road you should walk on? That you just saw people around you creating their own paths, yet you couldn’t move your feet? That you chose to block everyone and locked yourself till you felt better? That you stayed up till dawn and blamed yourself for every shit you made? That you even drowned yourself into other fictions, so you didn’t need to face your own story? That you even had suicidal thought because you felt so useless comparing to people out there? That you felt so tired just to interact and talk, so you said no literally to everyone?

That paragraph above described exactly what I felt more than half of 2018.

I’m not proud that I let my thoughts consumed me, but I can learn so many things.

If you happen to know me in real life, you probably can see that I didn’t make big things. Graduate, for example. I might seem don’t care at all. Just so you know, I care too. I also have the plan in my head.

I just checked out my goals in 2018, and I didn’t even achieve half of them. And the weird feeling is I’m okay with that. I might not achieve “those big things” and step into the higher state of life. There was a hurricane inside me that kept raging, that needed to be handled. Conquered it, and now I’m here. It was like going thru some huge wave in the ocean and finally land in a peaceful shore with the breeze and the bird flying around.

Things that I wrote were something that needed to be seen. The result of real actions, like yeah graduating or going to music festival. But then, something unexpected came, just like that. It shook my inner system and almost destroyed my brain. It was not easy. Waking up because a really bad dream or unable to sleep because too many bad thoughts. I couldn’t even choose how I should spend my night. It was always been those two. There was nothing in between.

The rest of 2018 was all about taking care of myself. I felt bad for friends who tried to reach me, but I pushed them away. I was trying to figure something out; figuring how to feel okay again; figuring how to manage myself, even pushing myself to do more.

All I need was feeling happy and content. Stop comparing myself to them. Trying to be zen.

I even tried to eat more veggies and fruits, to avoid coffee if I haven’t had heavy meal, to have lil workouts, to wake up early for morning prayer, to be on-time, to write on my gratitude journal every morning, to write down what to do tomorrow on the night before, or just small thing like washing the dishes right after I used them. I was trying to have a routine to feel useful. Not only laying down for too many youtube videos and tv series or scrolling twitter’s timeline.

I dealt with something inside me. It was something you couldn’t see.

I was just trying to take care of me despite what people might think of me. I don’t care how many times I mentioned trying or tried. But really, I tried so hard living my best life. Figuring something out. Cutting all the things that made me insecure and worried. Wow I looked like a coward. But for that, I’m proud of myself.

What I achieved in 2018 is unseen, just like I said above. It is something that I feel within.

I would be lying if I said I’m not worried anymore, but 2019 is the new hope; to achieve them all.

Thank You, God! For allowing me to enter another year. For giving me what I need. For the relief feeling to accept everything. For every small thing which turned out to be really mattered.

Thank you, Mom&Dad for yeah, the patience, waiting for me to graduate. I know you already planned the outfit for my graduation, tho. But please, wait a little more.

Thank you to all my friends. I know I wasn’t being a good friend. I pushed away many times. With this, I hope you understand.

Thank you for everyone who comes and goes. Literally everyone. I know your presence mattered.

And I thank me. For going on though it hurts. For staying strong though the hurricane blows.

And last. My latest discovery on music, BTOB. It may look really cheesy (((REALLY CHEESY))) but really, these 7 dorky guys made my 2018 lighter. Like, every time I felt so done with my thesis or the chaos in the world, I would just open my Spotify and played their music or go on Youtube and watched some hilarious things they did. I’m surprised it helps. Wow.

2018 was something. A roller coaster which helped me to find my core again. It wasn’t sweet, ofc. But I’m glad I could handle.

To you, people out there, the ones who have this war in mind; the noise inside the head; the bad thoughts around midnight, hold on… we’re going thru this.

I’ll end this here or I’ll maybe spill out more, and that’s not good.

(finally finished this on January 14th, 2019 around 12.17 AM)

#2018 story #self care #YOU ARE MATTERED