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logsfm · 3 years

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hey my loves ! i’m mia , 21 from the east coast ! i have not roleplayed in sheeeesh ... like five or six months ? but i am so excited to be here for opening with all of y’all . i spent like all morning trying to weed out this gal logan right here ... she’s a trip , that’s the best overall description i have for ya . anywho , lets get to the actual thing you’re here for her lil intro . also if you wanna mssg on discord here ya go 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐯𝐬 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#7040 .

logan samara-de jaager was spotted in the fashion district adorning air force 1’s university blue , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to benz i know by kelvyn colt . you may know them as @delogan or as that bella hadid lookalike . their twenty fourth birthday just passed . while living in the upper east side , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be querulous but on the other hand passionate . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines . ( cisfemale / she/her + mia / twenty one / she/her ) + ( “ logan de jaager seen shoving ex in hotel footage during heated argument , not so sweet huh? ” / “ miss de jaager was spotted sneaking into ex beau’s apartment , what could she be up to? ” / “ sweet socialite or greedy trust fund baby ? milan de jaager publicly accuses daughter logan of stealing $1M … ” )

born into the true lap of luxury . the daughter of real estate magnate & high - profile attorney milan de jaager and his wife , british born socialite lana samara . the two of them held high favor within the 1% but were also able to find a perfect balance . they did a great job of separating personal life from the tabloids . it was rare to really know the happenings of their day to day . they had this particular kind of mystery to them , if you will .

it wasn’t long before lana began to instill the very same rhetoric she received as a child into her own . quality over quantity , was the motto . just not in the way you’d assume . the quality at which a de jaager presented themselves to you was much more important than than quantity of time you spent with them . looks ? they’re everything , in the de jaager household . time was simply a societal construct implemented to catch you on a bad day , for that very line of thinking they embodied being late . rushing out of the house to finish your make up in the car ? a literal sin in the eyes of her mother .

she was encouraged to take part in ballet and beauty pageants growing up . anything that could showcase how beautiful their daughter was lana and milan were on board for . personally logan hated ballet but she couldn’t deny she loved the applause the night of a showcase . she also couldn’t stand pageants but loved having all eyes on her as she went on stage .

it became quite clear as the years went on that her parents were much more like close friends to their daughter than like rule - instilling guardians . she would text them to dismiss her from school , get them to buy her & her friends alcohol for sleepovers / parties , was very much so that kid who got high with her parents . really anything you could do with your friends ? was fair game with logan & her folks .

at sixteen a friend of her moms who was going to be a designer for spring fashion week that year asked if logan would want to walk for him . she was quick to accept the offer and before she knew it she had multiple offers to walk in that years fall fashion weeks , because of how easy it came to her - though , she’s the first to admit she never really took modeling all that seriously .

it was just a year later that her way of life changed drastically , logan and her twin brother had been caught by paparazzi on a friends boat in the hamptons snorting a white substance , anyone with eyes knew exactly what the group of teenagers were doing . upon returning home the two received the crackdown of the century . their once friendly parents turned to strict jail like guardians . often reminded that they put the families reputation at stake . the pressure to be perfect was something logan had never had to deal with until now & she almost cracked under the pressure at every turn .

it wasn’t until she left for college that she was finally given some room to breathe , attending the university of florida was the best choice for what logan truly wanted to do with her life - become a sports analyst . growing up she was infatuated with sports & and would have been involved in much more than just cheerleading had her mom allowed for her to get so much as a speck of dirt on her . during her time in florida the paparazzi seemed to find her more often than not , something her parents often denounced both over the phone & in public . the longer she spent away from the upper east side the more she became america’s sweetheart & simultaneously a thorn in her parents side . she graduated from university in 2018 , only returning back to new york for the sake of work . she’d been offered a reporting job with espn , on top of taking up modeling gigs here & there when ever she felt necessary .

personality …

one thing is very true about the de jaager’s & is very much so the same for logan ; she is not to be trusted . she can be extremely charming when she wants to be . she could sell a bag of rocks to a beach & get a princess to sell her sole to sex work . she knows exactly what people want to hear & when they want to hear it and has no qualms about lying straight to someone’s face if it means she gets something out of it . in fact sometimes , she might lie to your face just for the sheer fun of being able to call you gullible .

she’s very much so a spoiled brat although she hates when anyone call her one , she feels like she has more layers to her than that broad term . hand in hand with that is her drama queen like tendencies , any situation were there is a simple solution she will find a way to blow vastly out of portion .

due to her mother’s heavy influence growing up , she can be rather vein & materialistic . catch her like “ i can’t date a garbage person ” to someone simply because they’re not as rich or known enough for her liking .

it’s rare that you’ll ever see her jump out of character . she’s very calculated & aware of who she is ( or who she needs to seem like ) so if you ever see her emotions getting the better of her , you’ve really broken her .

she’s the type to dabble in a little bit of anything ? she’s a rich nyc party girl who’s been partying well before anyone should have allowed her to so she’s done it all . you’d be kidding yourself to think you could surprise / scare logan on a wild night out .

she’s quick & creative with her sense of humor . she has both a crude / dry sense of humor , as well , and really just doesn’t find goofy things to be funny but more or less embarrassing ( so if she ever tells you you’re goofy , remember it’s not a compliment ) .

her upbringing & parents sentiment on tabloids once reflected massively on logan , but now she couldn’t quite care less about it all . after all she spends hours in front of cameras on a regular basis for work . although she does tend to shy away from people who she deems are hungry for fame or attention . she’s been used in the past for fame & will never let it happen again , plus she’s the type to lap up attention so she likes to have as little fame whores around her as possible , more shine for her .

when she isn’t being a total nightmare though she’s actually really fun to be around ? she’s playful & loves to keep the party alive . often can be found claiming “ i’m high on life ” although everyone saw the pictures , logan , we know what you’re really high on , girl .

very chatty girl , too . victim of foot - in - mouth syndrome , big time . she doesn’t try to be disloyal & spill people’s secrets ( or does she ? ) but she can’t help herself . if she has piping hot tea she’s gonna spill it because she doesn’t wanna burn herself .

very observant girl , who loves to people watch but her observations can sometimes get muddled when she starts judging people a little too hardcore .

she’s also a undercover couch potato & by that i mean if you give her an option to go out & do something she’ll never outwardly choose to stay home to watch netflix and snuggle up under the blankets but secretly she’s hoping & praying she gets a chance to do so .

plots ...

END THIS ( L.O.V.E ) / her first love . these two brought the absolute worst out of one another . they messed her up so much that she has a weird perspective on what love between two s/o’s should even feel like now . maybe they had another s/o at the same time as her & kinda just strung her on & when it came out were able to lie so much to her that she believed them . idk , in truth we could really plot something completely different as to what they did & inevitably what the breaking point was . maybe they broke up with her & had they not ended it maybe she would’ve still been okay with being in the relationship . idk i just feel like this one could be fun as hell . also they’d be the one whom she was caught arguing with in one of her headlines . ( 0 / 1 )

AFTER PARTY / this is a more reckless take of party buddies . im envisioning a group of people who when the parties over they all pull up to close by gulf course , indulge even more in their choices of substance , there is a naked gulf tournament going on , there are drunks driving golf carts , swerving and pouring bacardi all over the course . running from security when they pop up . it’s tradition at this point & if someone doesn’t come it’s almost disrespectful at this point . idk i just love the thought of this kinda vibe . ( 2 / ? )

SECRETS / okay so this one is messy . basically logan was very private for most of her life ( thanks mom & dad ) and during the early stages of highschool she lied to everyone saying she was a virgin . she told each one of these individuals that they were her first whether it be to make them fall for her “ innocence ” , want to chase after her , or whatever else we might be able to plot out . inevitably they compare notes at some point and find out that she’d been lying to them all . we can plot out how they confronted her i feel like we could make this real dramatic though . this would also be a backstory plot so , we can also plot out how things have transpired since for them . ( 0 / 3 or 4 )

BEST FRIEND / these two girls take best friends to the next level . they relate to one another on every level and are there for one another at all times . there is never a moment where they are competing with one another because they know that their #1 in there respective category . they are one another’s ultimate hype beasts . they truly embody chaotic goddess vibes . it’s like they were placed on this earth simply to be friends because they compliment one another that well . ( 0 / 1 )

LETS FALL IN LOVE FOR THE NIGHT / they are the one that’s there whenever she’s down . they have the ability to make her feel like they have some sort of old love whenever she’s around them . those feelings only last for the night though . they enjoy when she rambles on about sports or the novel she just recently read or really just anything she enjoys can put a smile on their face . they know better than to ever confuse what is going on between them though , they know that she’ll never be theirs . whether they’re okay with this or not we can definitely plot out . ( 0 / 1 )

MOANA / they are not a fan of logan . they see her for what she is : an attention seeking , spoiled brat and the fact that they don’t want anything to do with her makes her want them all the more . when they finally slept with her it was only to prove a point to her s/o at the time , to prove that she’s not the sweet girlfriend she claimed to be . basically they’re the person who outed her for being a ho ho ho but despite knowing that they outed her for that she still tries to hook up with them because they were the best she ever had . they often turn her down but after a while not even they can deny that they’re attracted to her . they still don’t fuck with her though . also i think it’d be cool if their were two of them & maybe they worked together to out her to her s/o that didn’t believe she was a cheater ( 0 / 2 ) also bring the s/o that they outed her to ( 0 / 1 )

ELEVEN / the type of relationship that is stuck in the grey area . they’re more than friends but they don’t necessarily admit to having feelings for one another . honestly they probably don’t even think they have feelings for one another . it’s a weird dynamic . they spend the most of their time together late at night . there meeting time ? 11pm . they go on wild joy rides to the beach . heads out of the sun roof as they let out a loud woo . the only thing accompanying them is a big bag of weed . sometimes they have deep talks , honestly they probably know more about one another than anyone else ? because of these adventurous of theirs . when they aren’t having deep talks they’re running across the beach aimlessly & rolling around in the sand with one another . it’s really just a very pure plot that i need in my life . ( 0 / 1 )

TRUST NOBODY / this is someone who used logan for fame / attention . they either became close friends or even started dating & they used everything they learned about her or what went on between them to relay back to a tabloid / would call paparazzi to come and take pictures of them together whenever they’d go out . ( 0 / 1 )

some other plot ideas i’d love to see : x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x .

#wealthyhq:intro #hellurrrr *

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technoskittles · 4 years

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Catradora fic rec list

I mentioned making one of these awhile ago and I’m finally sitting down and compiling some of my all-time favorite fics. I’ve read a lot (like, a LOT), but I feel like a few of those really deserve an extra shout out.

I’ll separate them between multi-chap and one shots, but other than that they won’t be in any particular order. I’ll also try my best to tag the authors here on tumblr if I can find them, but if not, just lemme know if you see your fic and I can edit this later.

I’ll also be including ratings/word count/trigger warnings/etc

(I’ll mostly be including common tw’s so please make sure you also read the tags for anything that may affect you personally! Also, if I miss any, please keep in mind that it’s been awhile since I’ve read some of these so I may not remember all of them!)

Key:

[E] - Explicit

[M] - Mature

[T] - Teen & Up Audiences

[G] - General Audiences

And for the multi-chap fics:

(O) - Ongoing

(F) - Finished

(?) - Not finished and they haven’t updated in awhile so the author probably died

So let’s get started! (Get ready for a long post obviously)

Multi-chap fics:

1. upper west side by ceruleanstorm (F) [T] ~190,000 words

TW: past child abuse, alcohol abuse

@princessofgayskull

I feel like this is definitely one of the top must-reads for all Catradora fanfics. I know I’ve seen this on a couple different lists but I’m including it on mine as well because it really is just that good.

The chapters are lengthy (but in a good way!) and the story really takes its time to flesh itself out. The character development of the characters as individuals is beautifully done and wonderfully realistic. The pacing of the development of Catra and Adora’s relationship is also sweetly slow, a steady slowburn that invokes that deep-rooted yearning feeling mirrored by the characters themselves.

It’s a really clever premise that takes place in the modern world but implements the canon universe in the form of the book that Adora’s writing that ties back to her and Catra’s shared childhood. The way that aspects of the show were revamped into this fic are so creative and I just....ugh. LOVE.

This fic also has a oneshot compilation that takes place after the events of the final chapter which is currently ongoing and I HIGHLY suggest checking that out as well once you’ve finished this.

The sister fic for those interested: she’s god (and I found her) (O) [T] ~40,000 words

2. The Devil Is In (The Details) by SeasInkarnadine (O) [M] ~58,000 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, child abuse, emotional abuse, use of recreational drugs, Major Character Death

@seasinkarnadine

This is a really great fic where Adora is an undercover cop who sidles her way into one of the largest gang syndicates to bust whoever killed Hordak, a big gang leader and drug trafficker, whose death was originally ruled as an accidental overdose. Her and Catra (one of the gang members) both know foul play was involved and work together to figure out the truth.

The dynamics between these two is so casual and hilarious but still has those gut-wrenching moments that really ground you and realize that their relationship is dysfunctional on a few levels. The exploration of Adora’s conflicting feelings towards Catra hurt in such a good way as she realizes that she does genuinely care for Catra, but also is aware that what she’s doing will eventually screw her over and land her in jail. It’s the best kind of underlying angst and I highly recommend it.

Another really great selling point that I particularly love is that Adora is deaf in this AU and the author really shows this in such a realistic and natural way that shows she really knows what she’s talking about. It makes the dynamic between the two even more interesting considering that Catra also knows sign language which give the two a lot of moments of mutual understanding that doesn’t extend to the other characters. It’s something that the two of them have that’s sort of just for them to be on that level of understanding and it’s so great.

Also, Morgan is just a great writer in general and I highly suggest checking out more of her stuff (her art too!). She’s one of the writers I’ve looked up to since my beginning days in the fandom and it’s still amazing seeing all the great stuff she puts out.

3. Skinny Love by Maychup (O) [M] ~100,000 words

TW: past child abuse

@maychup

Another staple of big fics in the catradora fandom but for good reason. This fic is a wonderful exploration of events taking place after S1 illustrating Catra & Adora’s relationship in a different path that the rest of the show takes. It focuses heavily on their past experiences with each other and how that affects their current situation being on opposite sides of the war.

This fic is older, published just after S1, so canon divergence is an important aspect of its build. But the way the story is written is so beautiful and grounded that it’s still interesting even now knowing what really happens in the show.

Their dynamic is kind of back-and-forth, with Catra figuring out what Adora means to her and vice versa and where the two of them want to go from that point. It has so many sweet moments and steamy ones as well (btw, there’s a lot of smut) and the exploration into each of the character’s pysches is so compelling and intriguing.

4. Faded With Feelings by yesimgay (F) [T] ~24,000 words

TW: recreational drug use

This was such a cute, short multi-chap fic. It’s a bit older but I think it’s still one of my top faves.

A modern au, Catra & Adora are roommates post-college and trying to make their way in the adulting world. Catra has ADHD and smokes weed to help with that. One day Adora accidentally eats a couple of her edibles and cute shenanigans ensue. And that’s just the first two chapters.

The rest of the fic goes on to the girls figuring out their feelings for each other, especially Adora who, in this case, isn’t really sure of her sexuality. All-in-all, a really cute fic that’s a nice break from all the angst that typically saturates the fandom.

5. Chasing the Spotlight by holymountain (?) [T] ~20,000 words

This is an AU where Adora is hired to be Catra’s, a pop singer, bodyguard. There’s so many cute moments in this, though admittedly it’s been about 6 months since it’s last updated so be sure to keep that in mind.

6. we’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue by darklady21 (?) [t] ~24,000 words

An “and they were ROOMMATES” au. In this one though, Catra and Adora don’t actually know each other and really only get to know each other over time. It’s cute and has a lot of interesting interactions between the two, but it hasn’t updated in about 7 months.

7. Tuning Out by FaiaHae (?) [T] ~2500 words

I actually really loved the whole concept of this fic but it hasn’t updated in like, an entire year so...only read if you’re okay with the fact that it probably won’t ever be finished haha

8. burnt sugar by jeserai (O) [G] ~11,000 words

@jeserai

Oh god YES this fic. The classic “fake dating” au except Catra is a rich kid inheriting a business who essentially hires Adora, a broke college student, to go on a date with her to this big business function. There’s not a lot to say about it other than that without giving too much away, but the fic is about halfway done at this point so it’s a pretty short read as of now.

Just be warned, it’s currently on a MASSIVE cliffhanger so if you wanna wait until it updates I totally understand lol

9. still waters by summerson (O) [M] ~28,000 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, self harm

A “The Last of Us” AU. Personally, I’m not super familiar with TLOU because I could never get into the game myself, but this fic is so well done and the writing style is so interesting and well-executed that I still love this fic to bits. But obviously, for those of you who are aware of TLOU, you already know that this fic is going to contain quite the fair share of angst so be ready.

10. Whispering Dreams by dragonesdepapel (F) [T] ~7500 words

It’s been awhile since I’ve read this one so I don’t remember everything, but I do remember really enjoying the writing style and the construction of this fic. It’s a short read, but it’s totally worth it

11. please could you be tender by erce3 (F) [G] ~40,000 words

@figbian

please please PLEASE go read this fic. I’m actually begging y’all to go read this one I loved it so much it’s still one of my top 10 faves out there.

This fic is set in a modern setting where Adora & Catra were childhood friends and are in college and god it’s just SO. GOOD. The writing style and composition of the flashbacks with the present events is so beautifully done and organized and I really cannot hype this fic up enough GO READ IT

12. buried a hatchet (it’s coming up lavendar) by erce3 (O) [G] ~12,000 words

on the note of that last rec, I highly rec their other work which is currently in progress. It takes place after S3 but it’s an exploration on if Catra and Adora got trapped in the portal instead of Angella and FUCK this person is genuinely amazing go read their stuff

13. Senior Year by SimplyAbsolute (O) [E] ~98,000 words

@simplyabsolute

This is a really cute fic about Adora and Catra in their final year of college and I guess for me personally it really just hits hard because I’m also in my final year of college lol. But really, it’s a great fic and I suggest checking it out. It’s actually only got one more chapter left too so it’s almost done!

14. Assassinating Adora by Wicked42 (F) [T] ~13,000 words

@wicked-42

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Jeez this fic was a real rollercoaster of emotions. I loved every bit of it.

Basically, some people try to assassinate Adora and Catra stops one of them, but both girls are still inflicted by the poison and....it just gets crazier from there. Don’t wanna spoil it too much but this is a must-read for sure.

And this one may seem like cheating but I’m gonna plug one of my own multi-chap fics here

15. Pure Feeling (O) [T] ~30,000 words

TW: brief mention of sexual assault in Ch 5

This is a modern AU set after all the kids have been out of college for a few years.

Adora and Catra were childhood friends but ended up drifting apart and falling out during their college years. Fast forward about 6 years and they run into each other again, except now Adora has a daughter and is struggling to balance her life as a single mother. Overtime the two girls work on rebuilding their friendship and somewhere along the way might even realize that they’re feelings for each other never really went away. But of course, like all things in life, this isn’t an easy process and they run into more than a few complications - internal and external.

One Shots:

(there’s so many of these I’ve loved so I’m really going to try and narrow it down to about 10. If yours didn’t make it, no offense! I just have WAY too many to include and this post is already so long haha)

1. The Interlude That Never Ends by FMLClexa [M] ~2500 words

TW: Major Character Death, brief mention of sexual assault

Okay I’m gonna be honest: If you ignore all the other fics on this list, READ THIS ONE. This is absolutely my #1 favorite without a doubt. It’s a soulmate/reincarnation au and it’s so wonderfully executed that I honestly cannot even begin to tell y’all how much I love this one. It’s old and one of the first fics I ever read, but it’s so timeless and excellent and I promise you won’t regret reading it. I know I’ve read this about a million times over.

It’s been a whole year and this has held my #1 fave position the entire time. READ. IT.

2. after party by summerson [M] ~2000 words

TW: recreational drug use

God this fic was so great I read it last night and I’m still in awe in how well it was written and the emotions it managed to invoke in me. My favorite scene is the part where Catra tells Adora “I love you” because it’s so raw and desperate and I vibed with it so hard. It’s really difficult trying to tell someone how much you love them with just a few simple words because they really just don’t convey how much you love them and it’s so frustrating and GAH this fic was fucking great please read it.

3. jigsaw by jeserai [G] ~2500 words

@jeserai

This fic is so great and I felt so warm inside reading it. Definitely read if you want sweet, slow friends to lovers burn.

4. Vicious by SeasInkarnadine [M] ~3500 words

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-Con

I really highly recommend this one if you can get past the trigger warnings. It was so well written and very suspenseful with the juxtaposition of the timeline between current events and snippets of what had happened just hours before. But the ending is really sweet and the way that Catra cares for Adora after the whole thing squeezed my heart to pieces.

This is one I’ve read a few times over because of how much I love it. Def in my top 3.

5. Basement by spookyscaryskeletons [G] ~2800 words

This was such a great rendition of “Adora and Catra are forced to talk” and the emotions were raw and bleeding and I love the character portrayals.

6. Coming Apart by Whorls [E] ~13,000 words (or ~6,000 words each chap)

@crazy-pages

Okay this fic technically has two chapters but I’m including it here in the oneshots because the chapters are identical in the sense of story but the only difference is that in chapter one Catra is a cis woman and in chapter two she’s a trans woman pre-op. Other than that the chapters are identical so it’s mostly based off which experience you would rather have while reading.

This fic was. So. Fucking. Good. Sen did such a fantastic job with both aspects of this story and I love it to bits and pieces. The smut in the beginning is delicious as can be, but then towards the latter half it absolutely sucker punches you with feelings but in a good way. I really, really fucking love this fic and I think it needs more attention than it initially got so I’m imploring you all to please go read this fic. It’s fantastic.

7. Seconds That I Cannot Replace by Mogatrat [M] ~7800 words

TW: child abuse, underage(?)

This is a really heartbreaking fic set before canon. It’s about all the times that Catra and Adora started a romantic relationship only for Shadow Weaver to come in and ruin everything by constantly erasing and resetting Adora’s memory. I still think about this fic from time to time. Give it a go.

8. Come morning light by dragonesdepapel [T] ~1800 words

TW: Major Character Death

Another one that’s technically two chapters but it’s the same events, just covers the perspective of each girl. Adora’s dying and asks Catra to stay with her.

Basically this fic ripped my heart out and I still think about it sometimes.

9. someone you like by caela [T] ~5100 words

oh fuck me yes this fic. A modern au where Catra sorta stalks Adora on instagram and accidentally likes an old picture. Fluffiness galore.

10. When You Came Calling by ActuallyMe [E] ~5200 words

TW: Major Character Death

A 1940′s Mob AU where Catra is a private eye and Adora married high-ranking mob boss Hordak...who’s just been murdered.

Really great one shot. Personally I would’ve loved to see more come of this but it’s great on its own.

And once again, this is cheating but here’s a couple oneshots of my own that I wanna plug real quick

11. hang tight (all you) [T] ~9200 words

Modern AU fic set when Catra and Adora are in high school. Adora struggles to come to terms with her sexuality in an discouraging environment as well as the fact that she’s had a crush on her best friend since middle school. Personally I think this was one of my best works and a lot of other people seem to have liked it too so yeah!

12. as my World d[ivides] [E] ~2500 words

TW: Rape/Non-Con, Underage

One of my darker fics, but still one I’m pretty proud of. Without giving too much away, Adora suffers from a trauma and engages in unhealthy coping mechanisms and Catra enables her because no one’s taught them any different.

#she ra #spop #catra #adora #catradora #she ra and the princesses of power #fic recs #long post #thanks for hanging in with me guys #but yes I highly suggest all these fics

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treeni · 4 years

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Sanders Side Theory: Creativity’s Name and Roman’s Struggles

Theories Masterpost

Well, apparently some people were interested in my Orange side theory and stuff.

So let’s talk about “King Creativity” and why I disagree with every name theory I’ve seen so far and what I think instead. I’m not certain “King Creativity” is ever going to be named in the show, just knowing he existed is probably enough, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was a backstory episode? Or even aside episode?

First! Let’s start with the fact that I actually think it’s really interesting that everyone’s defaulting to Creativity being “King” when it is in fact Emperors who ruled Rome. Not a criticize, just interesting thought. Second, Kings were supposed to sit back and let their knights and armies basically do all of the physical work (Unless your Arthur, but it usually got him into trouble so! Moving on!) while you lead them as whatever supreme ruler title you take. However, a Crowned Prince was often at the head of said adventures and battles, in the thick of it all, but was basically indisputably the accepted next in line. (Approved by the courts and all that jazz, I mean historically it didn’t always go that way, but that was the intention). However, a regular Prince and a Duke could absolutely have a power struggle, especially in the situation where the Duke was previously “next in line” before the Prince’s birth. So if Roman and Remus ever did duke it out (also mini theory that Remus chose Duke for the fighting reference) I think one of them could/would become King, but I don’t think that’s who creativity was before the split.

Now I have a particular crowned prince in mind that creativity is named after, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start by talking about some of the most popular theories and why I disagree with them.

CW: for before the “Keep Reading” section. There is mention of metaphorical and fictional murder, war, lgbt theory (not that, that should surprise anyone). Roman backstory (aka things he might regret now.)

Romulus: While I suppose it’s convenient in the fact that its sort of the names combined, Romulus is already the role that Roman is filling in his relationship with Remus. Twins that supposedly found Rome, but Romulus killed his brother Remus to do so and become the ruler. Romulus literally named Rome after himself. This isn’t a hint, this isn’t something that’s upcoming or anything, this is backstory. Roman is literally just a modernized version of the name Romulus. Remus’ banishment to the darkside was his metaphorical murder. It also suggests that Roman took an active role in sending Remus away, which also helps explain a lot of Roman’s current struggle with Janus. Can you imagine the kind of guilt he might be feeling if he was the one who decided his brother was evil and he was good and then he passed judgement? If the darksides aren’t evil, then Roman and he metaphorically murdered Remus, then he wasn’t the hero slaying the beast anymore. Instead, he’s suddenly the bad guy.

Buuuut Treeni, what about Patton??? I hear you say. It would have had to have been morality right?

And to that I say you’re WRONG! And also right. Patton’s kinda been shown to be the most accepting bean of the whole lot, he doesn’t really try to force the others away the way some of the other sides do. Instead, he puts his foot down on his own convictions and refuses to listen to reason. (I didn’t say he was perfect.) Still, he doesn’t try to physically push the others away, not Virgil when he tried scaring Thomas, not Janus when they argued and Patton was clearly distressed by the courtroom situation, and not even Remus when Patton was clearly scared of him (also defensive of Roman). He doesn’t need to, he’s self-assured in his own place and convictions that he doesn’t worry about Thomas pushing him out. Instead, Patton kinda takes the family holiday party route and will do his best to put out the emotional fires and stand his ground on his opinion to Thomas when he needs to. (The ONLY time I could find Patton sort of pushing someone away was when they were in his room and Patton asked Logan to stop. While that could weaken my argument about Patton, I think it strengthens it because it shows how big of a deal it was at the time that Patton tried shutting him down. Logan reacted the way he did by immediately storming off because it’s not something Patton does.) While it could absolutely be Patton’s influence that caused the split, it would be out of character (as he’s currently defined) for Patton to actively push a side away. (I’ll get into some of his more negative aspects in another post if ya’ll wanna hear about it.)

Remember, Roman was the one who tried shutting down Virgil with bullying tactics, Logan too sometimes. Then he tried to use the same tactics on Janus when he tried putting his foot down on maintaining a black and white view point of the world after Remus’ appearance. Keep in mind that Remus actively told us that he blames Roman for his banishment. He compared himself and Roman to Cain and Able. While c!Thomas and even the audience as a whole were sort of led to think of Remus as Cain because of the “dark and evil” association, Remus is telling us that he is Abel. Roman is his destroyer. (Before you feel too bad for Remus, that misconception was also on purpose because while Remus isn’t a liar, he can manipulate a situation with honesty. Again, another post if you wanna hear about why.)

So now there is some general understanding of the twins backstory, you’ll see why Romulus would be a terrible fit for their combined name because Roman is already Romulus. Period. He’s the one who betrayed his brother by “murdering” him and taking over.

Making Romulus the name of who creativity was before because the names kinda morph together would lazy writing compared to very carefully woven details the show has had thus far (particularly in season 2). Okay, that went on a bit of a tangent, so next!

Caesar: This is a person who brought about the destruction of Rome, not the creation of it. (With Rome basically being the metaphorical state c!Thomas is living in now with clear lines between good/bad, right/wrong etc.) While it’s not a horrible ideology, it would be moving forward in a historical timeline instead of backwards. If you subscribe to the idea that Roman and Remus cannot go back to who they were (even with some kind of theoretical re-morphing) Caesar might be who they become, but it seems unlikely that is who they were. Remember that both sides are individuals now and those individual traits they’ve gained since splitting may not re-mesh cleanly back into who they once were. I personally don’t think there’s any “going back” for Creativity.

If they show him as he once was, it would likely only be in either a backstory bit or in a temporary situation where the re-combining doesn’t hold. However, if Creativity ever did become one thing again, I think it would be something completely new and I think Caesar would be a good fit for that in particular.

Aeneas: Again, it would be kinda lazy writing comparatively. Instead of using a sorta combination of the names that had some historical basis, this theory is based entirely on the idea of a convenient ancestor who quested and failed over and over to create Rome. I could have bought this had it been from lesser writers, but Thomas, Joan and the whole team do not mess around in story crafting and really carefully woven in references. I am literally degreed in writing and analysis and I keep finding myself impressed at the layers.

The name Aeneas also implies that the character Creativity was specifically questing for a change and that seems doubtful given the resentment between the brothers. Aeneas was essentially a left-over scavenger trying to scrape together a new home from what he could from already broken pieces and that does not sound like what Creativity is implied to be.

If we look at child development, I would theorize that Creativity is the oldest side. In the creative process, there are two major steps, first is information absorption, then second is application. The first thing any child must do is learn, anything and everything. The world is a limitless and imaginative playground. New material is around every corner and there it takes a while before the distinction between reality and fiction to be understood. It was probably just c!Thomas and Creativity for a while and as the others emerged, they looked up to him. It could even be potentially argued that Creativity was literally their creators.

This would imply that Aeneas would be a pretty terrible fit for him in that case because there’s nothing broken that he’s trying to salvage. The kingdom is his and c!Thomas’ to preside over with the other sides as his subjects. (c!Thomas being the distant “King” and Creativity being the “Crowned Prince”).

So, with all of that out of the way on why some of these theories are probably wrong, what do I think?

I think Creativity’s name is Hector.

Now, hear me out on this. For those of you who have read the Iliad you probably know exactly who I am referencing. You just may not know why. So stay with me here.

1. First, for those of you who don’t know, Hector was the Crowned Prince of Troy, the leader of the army that the Greeks (the perspective we’re getting) are facing off against. He’s also cousin to Aeneas, but actually accomplished things during the war beyond being saved by Aphrodite. This means he’s also an ancestor to both Romulus and Remus (albeit technically less direct). However, Hector’s family is where the royal lineage of Aeneas comes from. Though we follow the story mainly from the perspective of the Greeks (and the gods because they’re TROLLS), the Greek’s are pretty villainous in a lot of their actions throughout the story and they are most definitely the invaders. In this case, I would liken the Greek army to “outside opinion” for c!Thomas. Others interjecting their views on to someone and breaking his own beliefs. In this situation, Creativity would have been his biggest defender and hero, retreating into magical imaginary worlds to escape judgement.

2. So lets get onto the character and why him, shall we? Hector will literally do anything for his family. The war takes place because his little brother, Paris (one of a whopping 49 brothers mind you) either kidnaps, has Aphrodite kidnap or runs away with the Spartan Queen Helen because he fell in love with her. (It varies on the version and she was forced into her previous marriage at about 13 anyway, so Helen leaving willingly for the guy who the gods deem is the most attractive man alive is a popular modern reading.) It would have been so easy for the Trojans to yeet Helen back to Greece, but they don’t and Hector’s defense of her and his brother is a big reason why. Hector even chastises his brother for the mess he’s caused, but still stands by him and defends him. He also defends the hell out of Helen and refuses to blame her for their problems. Then in Troilus and Criseyde (Basically published Iliad perspective shift fanfiction with OCs) he defends the hell out of Criseyde when even Troilus, (apparently one of the 50 brothers) the person who claims to be in love with her, wont. Hector’s truly an all around good guy, great leader and has a very distinctive and personal moral compass that doesn’t always align with what’s being told to him is right. You want a character representation for someone who led the sides despite their clear struggles? Someone with Roman’s charm and heroism, and Remus’ understanding and drive? Hector is probably it.

3. Hector’s death is both a huge symbol for the end of Troy, but also isn’t? Let me explain, narratively speaking, Hector’s death is the point you know that Troy is basically doomed. His end is the representation of the end of it all. His corpse was literally paraded around as Achilles’s dragged it on the back of a chariot for days to show their doom. There was a distinct “aura” shift from Hector’s death as all of Troy mourned his death. We as an audience know Troy is basically doomed from Hector’s death alone. Hector was a person that even the enemy Greeks hella respected as a warrior and leader. Essentially, this was the point that the war that had been raging for about a decade became serious. At the same time, it just simply isn’t the end of the war. There’s the whole horse thing still to come and all that jazz. Still though, Hector’s death is very much a symbol of “everything changes, but nothing does.” Which is the perfect symbol for the twins split to me. Just because they split doesn’t mean that all of the sides did immediately, yet it was still probably the turning point that drove a wedge between the “dark” and “light” sides.

4. The character Hector arguably died in the name of gay love. Okay, story time. So in the Iliad, Achilles is being a little bitch and refusing to fight anymore because drama between him and the king of Athens, but he’s their best fighter and the Greek’s are basically sorta loosing because of him not helping. His boyf- I mean best friend Patroclus goes out in Achilles armor and leads his army in his place because Achilles is a whiny baby. Except Hector kinda immediately kills Patroclus, thinking he’s Achilles with reinforcements.(This was full body armor baby and distinctive cause baby of a god and all that mocha frappe.) Of course, Achilles has to immediately get angry revenge for his boyf- BEST friend and ends up killing Hector. This would make the character Hector a great metaphor for Creativity if his split had anything to do with sexuality or even acceptance as a whole. (Though we know acceptance is definitely a part of it considering Remus.) We know that Remus wants c!Thomas to explore darker themes and the struggle of sexuality and acceptance could be a possibility in what is to come as a previously “off-limits” theme.

5. A big one is that the destruction of Troy is what eventually brought about the creation of Rome. Essentially Troy would be the metaphor of c!Thomas’ existence/mentality before the sides split into dark/light factions. Then Rome would be the metaphor of c!Thomas’ existence/mentality after the sides split into factions.

6.Finally, the name Hector literally means “to restrain” which would work well for Creativity as he was likely trying to reign in the others from infighting (and you can see how well that went with him being gone).

Cheers to another rant into the void. Huzzah! God this is nearly as long as some of my seminar papers. Do what you will with this information.

Please keep in mind that I adore Roman as a character. This post isn’t meant to hate on him. It’s meant to bring awareness of the layers of his character. Every Prince Charming was a villain to someone, every hero that slays the beast is a murderer from a different light.

I don’t bring these things to light to cause pain, I bring them to light to help bring awareness of what’s probably going through his head.

(Yes, in regards to the Creativity being made first thing, I DO even have a theory about existence order, I promise you I have theories about everything. My mind does not stop with this crap. I have theories on everything from what animal association Roman and Logan have to Virgil’s key role in Roman’s backstory. I’ve ranted about a bunch of these things to a few specific people so if you ever want me to go on a rant about anything in particular let me know. I didn’t expect anyone to actually look at the other theory post tbh. Inbox me if you want me to go to unnecessary lengths on something else.)

(Also, correct me on the Patton thing if I’m wrong. I took notes on a recent watch through, but I wasn’t specifically looking for his rejection sooo, if there are other moments of it you can find that didn’t jump out at me I totally accept criticism.)

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ironwoman359 · 5 years

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Thoughts on Remus Sanders

So the new video came out and I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of different things, but for this post, let’s talk about our new resident trash man, Remus Sanders, aka The Duke, aka the Dark Side of Creativity.

Remus’s Role (who or what is he?)

First off, Remus’s ‘Side Title’ as it were is definitely Creativity. He is not simply “Intrusive Thoughts.” That is not his function, intrusive thoughts are a result of his function, an area of thinking that he is responsible for. Like Roman, he embodies Creativity and the Imagination, but unlike Roman, he deals almost exclusively in ‘dirty,’ mature, dark, or disturbing ideas. Sure, the video was about intrusive thoughts specifically, but that’s not all that Remus does. He said himself twice, once in song and once in regular speaking, that he wants Thomas to explore more mature themes in his videos and to be more “realistic” with his creations. So while the other “dark sides” like Deceit and Anxiety (maybe Paranoia?) have different functions than the “light sides,” Remus and Roman are two sides that embody the same trait: Creativity.

As Thomas said, the Duke and the Prince literally wear black and white, because his relationship with his imagination while he was growing up led to Roman encompassing the “good” parts and Remus the “bad” parts. Both ‘sides’ of creativity are important over all, but Thomas specifically gave Roman, the light, the positive sunshine rainbow unicorn side, more import than the dark, the twisted macabre disturbing side. Hence Roman is a Prince, while Remus is merely a Duke, a lesser rank of nobility.

Remus’s Goals (so what does he want?)

Like Roman, Remus wants Thomas to create things, things that he can be proud of. And more SPECIFICALLY, he wants Thomas to be remembered, to have a legacy. Roman, you will note, wants this too. All sides, after all, want what they believe is best for Thomas, but they all have different views of what that looks like AND of how to get it. And Remus believes that the darker sides of creativity that he encompasses are the way for Thomas to get that notoriety he craves. Just look at the way Remus talks (or sings) about himself in relationship to Thomas’s content:

“If you really wanna challenge your viewership, then you need to stop limiting me.”

“If you want the spectrum A-Z you’ll need a little help from me.”

(in reference to Thomas only wanting bright and happy things in his content) ”Hey Prude, your art is Bad.”

“What will our legacy be? Will you even have one? How about this: you get buck naked on camera and self immolate to Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off! That’ll leave an impression!”

Remus wants what ever creator/performer wants: he wants to be remembered. But unlike Roman, he holds no reservations about how they get there.

But Remus ALSO a rather chaotic force in general, and you get the feeling that he really just wants to have fun...unfortunately, what’s fun for him is not very fun for most people, Thomas included. Remus is more like the way many of us characterized Deceit at his first introduction: likely to be cruel for no reason. Because it’s fun! Right?!

Roman vs. Remus...why?

I have a headcanon that Patton (or Patton’s influence) is largely responsible for the development of Remus and Roman as separate entities, actually. During their conversation about Just Like Heaven, Patton mentioned that a happy ending “makes good cinema.” And...no, it doesn’t. Objectively, good cinema, good ART is not dependent on whether or not it is happy. Now, whether or not it is happy is certainly a valid indicator of whether or not YOU as an individual like it. But not it’s objective quality. And that’s what has happened with Roman and Remus, anything that Thomas’s Moral Code (again, Patton himself or his general influence) deemed as “bad” or “wrong” got shoved into Remus, while Roman kept all the good parts for himself.

When you look at it that way, it’s no wonder that Remus spends so much of his time sending intrusive thought’s Thomas’s way. (Yes, intrusive thoughts are fairly common, but not everyone has them, and not always to the severity that Character Thomas does) That’s basically his ONLY creative outlet, as everything else has been given to Roman. And why it makes sense that he is desperate to be more involved in Thomas’s creative process. Intrusive thoughts are all fine and well, but if Thomas isn’t ACTING on them, then Remus is effectively not being listened to, which as we all know is every single side’s greatest source of frustration.

His Logo (this is a pure guess based on my own theories and observation, but it’s fun to think about.)

It’s been theorized before that the “dark sides” have something animal themed in their clothing and/or appearances. Deceit’s is obvious the two headed snake, and Virgil’s is largely thought to be a raccoon, and if we look closely, Remus seems to fit this theory. His animal is some sort of tentacled sea creature, as evidenced by the thumbnail of the video, his green coloring, and the belt buckle he wears. Some have suggested a squid or octopus, but this IS Creativity we’re talking about here...it could be Something Else. Something a little more...creative.

“Whoa, you guys are acting fishier than the Kraken’s crack.” -Roman, timestamp 3:43.

I propose that his ‘animal’ is a Kraken, a giant sea monster known for causing great destruction, killing sailors and dragging ships down into the depths of the sea. Sort of like how our Dear Old Duke seems to take pleasure in being destructive towards both himself and others and dragging Thomas’s thoughts down into the depths of depravity? Huh? Maybe? Imagine a logo similar to Roman’s, but instead of an idyllic castle, it’s a giant sea monster. Perhaps reaching it’s tentacles around a ship? Or perhaps looking a little sleeker and going for something like the Hydra logo in Marvel? I dunno, it’s fun to think about!

The Rainbow Theory (no, I’m never gonna let this one go)

Remus’s existence, and more specifically, his color palate, only reinforce the Rainbow Theory as being canon. Thomas is Full Rainbow all the time, and each of his sides encompasses one color on that spectrum. You have Red (Roman), Orange (a yet to be discovered “dark side”), Yellow (Deceit), Green (Remus), Blue (Patton), Indigo (Logan), and Violet (Virgil).

One of the reasons I really like the rainbow theory is that it allows for a sense of balance between Thomas and his sides. I like to imagine it like this: There are three “light” or “good” sides, (Roman, Logan, and Patton) and three “dark” or “bad” sides (Deceit, the Duke/Remus, and an unnamed, Orange party). I use quotes on these labels because arguably, any trait could be used for good or for bad, and no side embodies this more than Virgil. Violet, the odd little shadowling out. The side that is now canonically CONFIRMED to have once been considered one of “the Others,” but who now has an equal seat at the discussion table. The side, if you will, that is the tipping point on the scale between whether or not Thomas is a “good person?” Ah, but that’s a theory for another post ;)

If you combine the rainbow theory with a color wheel, Remus’s appearance also all but confirms some theories that we’ve had about “dark” sides in the past: they are opposites to/extensions of/foils for a corresponding “light” side. It’s no secret who Remus’s corresponding side is, both he AND Roman are literally both creativity. And what is Red’s complimentary color on the color wheel?

Green.

While it’s harder to tell who Deceit’s foil is, since the blue/indigo and the yellow/orange parts of most color wheels you look at are more blurred, but I’m leaning towards Logan, the darker blue, the indigo, being the foil to Deceit’s Yellow, and Patton’s lighter blue being complimentary with the Orange Side yet to be revealed, since the light blue is closer to the green and the orange is closer to the red.

This also solidifies the idea that I have that Virgil himself has no foil. I see some people suggest he could be Logan’s foil, but I honestly think that Logan’s foil is either Deceit or Mr. Orange, and the Patton’s is whoever Logan’s isn’t. Virgil’s trait doesn’t necessarily have a perfect foil...and purple in particular has no opposite color that isn’t already sort of taken by one of the other three “light” colors. But I digress, this post is about Remus, not Virgil. I just like talking about the rainbow theory, I think it’s neat!

Other, smaller observations (mostly just fun things I noticed/liked about his character)

As much as they are opposites in ways, Remus shares many mannerisms with Roman, from his expressions to his vocal ticks to his gestures.

Literally less than a minute after he first appeared on screen, he broke out into an entire Disney Villain style musical number. (no really, he appeared at 6:00 and started singing at 6:53)

I sort of mentioned this earlier, but he is not only responsible for the darker parts of imagination, but also clearly things like childish potty humor and sexual innuendo. For THOMAS, this is a “bad” thing banished to it’s own separate side, but for some people, that kind of humor doesn’t cross the line. Joan, for instance, has both a raunchier sense of humor and darker sense of humor at times than Thomas, as holding up a disembodied corpse prop’s middle finger is, yeah, TOTALLY something they would do without Remus’s influence.

He cannot be insulted through traditional means, as he takes them as compliments. It is only through him being discredited/weakened by Logan’s words that we see him having any sort of negative reaction to the others.

Again, a point to get more into detail with another post, but he was particularly interested in beating down Virgil specifically, and in ways that seemed less relevant to what was going on like his taunts to the others. Just like with Deceit in the courtroom, he clearly knows Virgil well enough to get under his skin, and he relishes doing so.

The trash boi does not sit still, if he’s not engaged by what’s happening, he’ll find some other thing to occupy himself with, such as picking his nose or eating deodorant.

Like Deceit before him, he gets huffy when he doesn’t have his way, and then does his best to just be a general inconvenience (read also: a dick) to Thomas if he can’t be actually listened to.

That’s all for now! Thanks for reading <3

#sanders sides #sanders sides theories #ts theories #fanders #thomas sanders #remus sanders #ts remus #dealing with intrusive thoughts #long post #longpost #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #deceit sanders #the rainbow theory #ts spoilers

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imsorryaboutallthejack · 4 years

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Theory time!

(I don't remember who made this title. Please, someone, let me know so I can credit them)(warning essay post)

Is no one gonna talk about how investing the personifications of Thomas’s sides have gotten? No talking about the expansion of the Sanders Sides’ as personas?

I feel that they have been getting textured in a far more believable manner, namely Patton. We have learned of the character’s identity in regards to Morality and in being its embodiment, the strict and oppressive nature of it.

Personally, I love the layering of doubt, stubbornness, and dejection going into the representation for them all.

Virgil and his past erasure, denying the essence of who he used to be and whom he used to affiliate with.

No one listening to Roman.

Also, can we all just accept that Deceit is dismissed way too easily by most of the sides? He suggests lying even once (always after someone else considered it) and everything else he says is lobbied out the window. (Yes I know he’s my favorite so I hAvE a BiAs)

I’m. So. Pumped! I have so many theories.

You know what? I’m about to get into it. Warning Long post!

FULL ESSAY MODE ENGAGING!

First: Let’s talk about the general character’s representations.

Within the realm of the series structure, we have learned about the weight of Thomas's opinions of his sides and their personifications. We’ve seen this with the Duke’s arrival, Marking him as the unwelcome side of Thomas’ creative thoughts.

This representation style for the character Doubles as a ground for individual motivations as well as the metaphysical repercussions of a side’s role, mentally for Thomas. Much Like how Thomas questioning his own good natured-ness being a discussion by Deceit and Morality, but also “Patton” and “whatever Deceit’s name is”.

Which means that a Side might make a decision or an appearance-based upon either a character choice-- which tends to be personal, or their supposed position in the ’Thomasphere’.

For example, Virgil is an anxious character who seeks to protect Thomas from poor decision making. However he also compulsively brings up information that he is aware is troubling to Thomas. Because in that regard he cannot separate himself from the role he plays in Thomas’s mind. Virgil could also make decisions based squarely upon personal bias. Such as avoiding telling Thomas about the “others” despite Thomas asking directly.

I mention this because Thomas’s general opinion regarding a set of traits dictates the representation of the characteristic when embodied. Take for example if Thomas looked more harshly on the idea of repressed thoughts. Morality’s character could have just as easily been called “Denial”. This still would have played into the character’s person being both stubborn, dismissive, and childish. A line like “where do babies come from?” despite being a dad could have been a reinforcement into the idea that Thomas couldn’t trust that voice in his head to be rational.

This simple implication leads me to leave that due to Thomas’ view on selfishness, that he too was erasing the potential contributions to be offered by a character like Virgil at the beginning of the Series. If Thomas valued vigilance more, then Virgil would have been seen as something like ‘Caution’ or ‘practicality’.

What I mean when I mention this is, Thomas is not an inherently reliable narrator, and thus the representations of characters framed by his opinion should be under scrutiny as well. We all can very easily see the value of a character like ‘Anxiety’ now that Thomas’s morality has taken the time to paint it in a positive light.

But why his morality and not Character Thomas alone? Because these ‘sides’ are all facets of Thomas. So there must be a part of him that is making these decisions about himself rather than just him as a whole. That part, in my opinion, is Patton.

Why does this distinction matter? Because the sides are also Characters. They have individual wants that--though they are not separate from Thomas, are separate from each other. They don’t inherently know each other’s names, they don’t know their memories, and they very specifically don’t know all they contribute. What they do know is how they interact with each other from their perspectives and experiences.

Does it seem like Deceit and Morality disagree? Well of course they do. One relies on self-sacrifice and the dismissal of negative identities, the other can spot lies and dishonesty, and functions on self-preservation and self-honesty as a priority. Of course, they can’t mix. But, whose claim to power would affect the other the most? Tell me, which of these two do you believe would cast the other to a forgotten part of Thomas’s mind? The direct selfish one, or the repressive, abnegatious one? (i may have made up that conjugation)

So by character and characterizations standpoint, there is reason to believe that the side with the most authority is Patton, Thomas’ Morality. This stands to reason why Thomas has spent the last few episodes questioning whether or not his ‘goodness’ is intact whenever he has to face off his own “banished” dispositions. Because if there is any part of Thomas that should dictate who he chooses to identify himself with, it is his Morality. (I believe)

It is for this reason that I have ‘Beef’ with the response Thomas has to Deceit, an entity who ‘by Patton’s own words ”acts with the one intention of self-preservation.” ( CLBG => 23:54) and Remus a literal stream of consciousness.

With deceit, I think there is more to the character than a personification of being untruthful, but instead, there is the willingness to be untruthful and the recognized deceit in others. He knows when any character is misplacing the truth and urges them to honesty, as though it is fine for Thomas to lie as long as it's not to himself (though deceit himself doesn't follow that rule). Which Is why I find it telling that he appears after the ‘Moving on’ episode (if we dismiss the Christmas episode). Patton--Thomas’s morality and framing for the rest of his thoughts, was lying to himself, and by association, to Thomas.

Second: The Deceit Character response

(I separated this from the first bit because I get VERy lost in the sauce when I talk about my Snake son.)

I’m gonna start off talking about the internal perception of deceit from the characters. Then go into the personification of the sides Dark sides included. This will include timestamps to the Selfishness v. Selflessness Episode.

Let’s look at the beginning of the episode (3:53) "so I can't join in and give my honest opinion"

It’s bizarre that should Deceit directly say that Thomas wanted to go to the callback, the core sides would have said he was lying. This character has to LITERALLY disguise himself for anyone to listen to him. He then continues to go out of his way to show the rest of the group Evidence as to why Thomas felt this way. That seems to be what it takes for them to even think about it.

He tries to be straight forward at (5:25) "do you want the part in the movie or not" no lies no tricks. But when Thomas won't answer, Roman does. Then this happens.

(6:26) "maybe Mary and Lee will understand" - Roman

(6:28) "Roman, this is their big day. We have to be there for them" - Patton

(6:32) "We don't have to do anything" - Deceit

What the literal Frick Patton? He can't even ask? Roman suggested a non Deceitful option for Thomas to make and you slapped it down. But now that Deceit suggested lying, Roman had to throw that whole decision out the window?

Also, you wanna hear toxic self-talk? "But what about us? What about us?" Think about if someone else said that.

"but what about me" "what about you?" That's horrible! You Fricken matter dude! Sure it's not ideal, but you weren't born to be a doormat for your friends.

There is a point where Patton’s opinion on Thomas’ friends exceeds even the suggestions of said friends. Apparently, Thomas is to throw away his chances at happiness for the sake of his friends’ without even knowing if that would make them happy. I can’t see how this is a fruitful way of thinking.

Plus as an added bonus, there is as much disregard for Thomas’s say on the matter as his friends. Anything that doesn’t align with a perfectly selfless gesture is thrown out, outright. Even Thomas’ own decisions.

(7:16) "you don't mean any of this" Patton that definitely doesn’t sound a little gaslighty. But to be fair, he acknowledged that much at the end.

Then a bit later, when Patton is telling Thomas how he feels. You could see that Deceit knows No one would believe him should he call mortality dishonest, though his character can literally tell. (7:21)

Ughhh I can't wait for this thread to be resolved. It is literally killing me.

I feel that this is more than enough reason to at least consider: Deceit is trying to be helpful. He is self-preservation, (though with more plots of deception) and serves a purpose in Thomas’ thoughts. Just. Like. Virgil.

Though Virge isn't exactly the best at fully accepting himself either. He didn't want to tell Thomas that he was a dark side and refuses to associate with his past. Though he knows he was doing it for a good reason. Isn't it telling that even when Virge is doing it for self-preservation reasons, he doesn't think Thomas will think it's ok? And who determines what Thomas thinks is ok?

(30:58) “If Thomas wanted to be seen as a good friend more than he wanted the role of a lifetime, well then I’m all for that. but I just don’t buy it.”

He is instinctual and Thomas' views on self-preservation seem to be what makes Deceit unwelcome to the group in the first place. Like Remus. Like Virgil. How do we know Thomas’ views on things like self-preservation? His morality shouts it out.

(29:52)

"acting in your own Self Interest" - Deceit

"but that's wrong" - Patton

Only later do we find out in Intrusive thoughts that Patton’s repressive and strict nature can be potentially harmful to Thomas. Just as high expectations for one’s self can negatively skew one’s self-sense of worth and decency. This is something I get and absolutely value in Patton’s characterization.

Morality in itself is a strictness with our thoughts, actions, and beliefs. To truly encourage good deeds there must be either a reward or a punishment. They can be small but the choice to obey must be an indispensable resource. For the sake of good deeds coming to action, It is necessary that Morality behaves this way. Granted that there are Checks and Balances for its authority. But again, there can be too much strictness, as Intrusive Thoughts portrays.

I feel that this is important to keep in mind for Deceit's personification. He has to exist in a way that still protects Thomas while under Patton's stronger ideals. So how must he guide Thomas?

When he actually had to make Thomas say what he wanted himself, He asked about four times. And interestingly enough all he did was make Thomas be honest. It was at this point where I wished I could have gotten to hear what the scenario was for. Because I find it very telling that Deceit only hurt Thomas by making him be honest about his wants. Thomas looked so defeated. Not about wanting to lie about it. But about the actual truth spurring on the lie. Why did it hurt him to want to follow his dreams?

I feel that this representation of the character is more conducive to expressing Thomas’ unhealthy expectations for himself.

This is terrible working conditions as a voice of self-gain to be heeded. How is anyone meant to look after Thomas when their intentions are so actively misinterpreted? Deceit works to make Thomas Happy and seems to be the only one doing so consistently (out of the only two and a half episodes he was in).

If there is anything more telling of this, it is the fact that Thomas “taking care of himself” went from Patton (Way Too Adult) to Roman(Growing up) to Logan(WDWGOoBiTM). No character has been able to sustainably take care of Thomas in this way despite their role in his life. Even Roman is willing to dash his dreams if met with enough opposition.

Thomas’ morality does not dictate his self-care or his general wants, neither does his logical side or Fanciful one, unfortunately. If they did, Deceit would not have to be the one making the rest of the aspects listen to Thomas’s Wants.

Roman is literally Thomas's ego. Hence why Deceit mainly shows up for him, both times. Deceit is internal maintenance while Patton is the external (intercommunication-al) maintenance, it would seem.

Finally: A Resolution

I think "Discovering Balance" would be a great addition to this series, by having Virgil and Deceit come to an understanding as much as Deceit and Patton.

Plus Deceit must have been in a similar position to Patton when Virgil was a dark side, encouraging him to keep Thomas alert, for Thomas' preservation. Seeing as the character also hold s the reins over Remus. But it's fairly important to note that Virgil's external worries come from logic and internal ones come from perceived moral failure. Such as ruining friendships.

Which means Patton's inability to see the worst in people (even Thomas) and strong values would make a character like Virgil particularly susceptible to wanting to both protect and gain the favor of him. This might mean washing away his past, a thing he has yet to resolve.

I have no doubt that Patton can come around to any of the dark sides. He’s been pretty open to understanding things, (if presented the way it is destructive to Thomas to avoid). But I think having Virgil lead him and Thomas through it, would be far more valuable. Thomas needs to learn to love himself and he can’t do that by hiding from difficult truths. I think a chance to have the dark sides accepted openly and directly would help put Thomas at ease with himself.

But again there needs to be balance. Thomas must keep his behaviors to others in mind, but also his own self-care.

At the current state of things, The fact that he isn't allowed to seek out external opinions on his behaviors (like not talking to Lee and Mary Lee) is a sign that there isn't balance on this side either. And he's not seeking any reinforcement for his wants being VALID. That just won’t do.

He needs to talk to his friends. I can't stress this enough.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

P.S. I do love Patton, but I think it is irresponsible for the character not to acknowledge the pressure he’s putting Thomas under. He seems to be getting around to it, so I still love him. But that does not mean I have lost any love for my Snek boi.

#thomas sanders #the sanders sides #Morality #patton #Deceit #virgil #anxiety #the dark sides #sympathetic dark sides #sympathetic deceit #seriously #intrusive thoughts #selfishness vs selflessness #THEORY #long post #Very long post #Essay post #I know it's long #but i have been thinking about this for a while

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animeperanima · 4 years

Note

I went to sleep in the meantime but for the send me a character thing: Caesar and/or Gyro? I love my Zeppeli boys and I'm Very interested in your Italian Takes

Caesarino tesorino

Fav thing about them:

the fact that he goes from a highly skilled and controlled individual to Italy's greatest fool as soon as Joseph is thrown into the mix. he looks fancy and graceful but he has a mirror specifically to teach at card games! it's the duality of man *insert italian pinched fingers emoji*

Least fav thing about them:

probably the fact that he doesn't get to do shit in part 2 until he goes to fight Whamuu. because of how the genre was structured poor Caesar got completely overshadowed by the protagonist

Favourite line:

"I can't let my life sputter out. This is the Zeppeli family spirit, from the past to the future! It's the human spirit!"

I love the idea that leaving something behind for someone else to bring into the future is what it means to be human. I've seen a couple stories with this concept and it's close to my heart.

brOTP:

maybe not really a bro relationship but I do love him and Lisa Lisa. he became very close to her and changed deeply due to her teachings. he admires her and she respects him, despite both of them putting up walls for the sake of propriety and self preservation it's clear to me that they cherish each other.

OTP:

Caejose, man. it was my first Jojo ship and it's still in my top 3, they were just too much for me to handle. I feel like they balance each other out: Joseph would have been an inconsiderate brat all his life without Caesar and he in turn would have been a stuck up dipshit.

nOTP:

I haven't really seen him shipped with anyone beside Jojo (as it should be, the boy was smitten) but maybe Caesar x Suzie Q? it comes up sometimes with the OT3 but I just don't see them working as anything more than friends.

Random headcanon:

Caesar lives with the biggest catholic guilt you could ever imagine. he feels like he lost his chance at Heaven because of all the crimes he committed and the vengeful intent that fuelled his youth. he spends a lot of time thinking about his actions and the impact they have on those around him, the balance of good and evil that he has brought in the world.unrelated but on top of being religious he is also supersticious. he will gladly pet a black cat but then he'd turn around and change path to make sure the cat doesn't cross the street in front of him. just in case.

Unpopular opinion:

the boy ain't from Naples, he feels like a Florence boy to me. just please, imagine the many instances of Caesar's "maremma maiala, Jojo" it would be way too funny. also Joseph would pick up on the fact that Caesar's accent is different from those around him and he'd have a field day with the weird C sounds.

Song I associate with them:

You Will Never Know by Imany

I've said this in the tags a bunch of times but I don't think Caesar ever confessed to Joseph or even really told him how much Jojo meant to him. Caesar's arc really is all about a road being cut short and this song works perfectly with that.

Favourite pic of them:

stupid sexy motherfucker, I hate him

Gyro/Jennifer Lopez kin

Fav thing about them:

he is just so competent??????? he knows what he's doing and he does it well. I love how creatively he solves problems, the whole first stage of the race had me screaming, it was just too good. steel balls ain't a functional weapon but somehow he always pulls through with them and them alone?????????? I.... I may have a thing for people who are the best at what they do.

Least fav thing about them:

the fact that he just kinda.... forgot about the kid who was on death's door. like.... you'd think it would be a higher priority on his list of things to worry about. (to be fair, i flew through Steel Ball Run, I wanna re-read it properly once I've read Stone Ocean too; so maybe I'm wrong and Gyro did indeed give a rat's ass about the poor kid)

Favourite line:

"Eat shit, asshole! Fall off your horse!"

"I've got no choice. We're cornered, so I have to teach you. First off, Johnny, let me tell you one thing. Starting now, you can only say the words, 'There is no way I can do this!' four times, and four times only. Alright? Four times."

modern!au Gyro but he's not a doctor, he's a motivational speaker/life coach

brOTP:

I feel like he and Hot Pants could have been wonderful as friends. thankfully there are a few fanfics that have just that. Hot Pants would just be so done with Gyro, entirely done.

OTP:

Gyjo, clearly. which is funny because it has such a horrible ship name but it just works. seriously, you just have to look at how many times Johnny ended the race in a better position than Gyro despite not really caring about the win and the fact that Gyro hasn't slapped him yet to know that fool is head over heels. (yes, I am salty about Johnny; I love him but I am salty anyway)

nOTP:

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, boh

Random headcanon:

at first he started doing his gags to annoy Johnny; he was used to none of his jokes ever really landing so he started enjoying getting a rise out of people when he kept them coming until they just couldn't take it anymore. turns out that Johnny is a really weird guy with very few friends or people who, y'know, treat him normally so he absolutely loves Gyro's shitty jokes. Gyro was surprised to say the least but having someone actually enjoy his gags is much better than anything else.

Unpopular opinion:

translations that spell his name J.Lo are extremely valid and my faves. I know that Gyro keeps to the part 5 tradition of naming Italian characters after food but J.Lo makes more sense with his real name (Julius could also be Giulio, so it's pretty close) and it's a fricking Jennifer Lopez reference. have you seen how luscious his hair is? his poses????? that's a J.Lo if I've ever seen one

Song I associate with them:

Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones - purely for the sound, it fits his shenanigans

and Brother Under The Sun by Hans Zimmer and Bryan Adams - YES IT IS THE SOUDTRACK OF SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON, NO I WILL NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS. this just.... the music and the lyirics and the setting all scream "Gyro to Johnny"

Fav pic of them:

#jjba #character asks #gyro zeppeli #caesar zeppeli #jojo's bizarre adventure #it took me ages to answer sorry #but i really had to think some of these through #i love the zeppelis so muc #it's hard to do them justice #also i'm sorry i keep serving angst whenever i'm asked about my faves #but that's just my way of loving the #*them #and also..... canon gives me a lot to work with #thanks araki

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baepsaetan · 4 years

Text

Inkarnate

Summary: Hoseok is a film student looking for muse, and Yoongi is a tattoo artist looking for money. When they meet, the two find that they could give each other far more than creativity and cash, but soulmate isn’t spelled p.e.r.f.e.c.t, and Yoongi’s tattoos cover up more than just his skin.

Chapters: pt.1, pt.2, pt.3, pt.4, pt.5, pt.6, pt.7, pt.8, pt.9, pt.10, pt.11 -> read on Ao3

Genre: Soulmate! AU, Angst

Warnings: Smut, main character death, swearing, implied alcoholism, implied past abuse, seriously a lot of angst, cancer.

Length: 8k

A/N: Another one! Already! Ideally this frequent posting will become a Thing but if we’re being honest Maybe Not. Still, hope some people have a chance to read this! Also shout out to @samwithham! It really has been a hot second, but I’m grateful you’re still reading <3

---

The last short finishes with a melancholic flourish that’s a little campy but still effective, and applause fills the theatre. Unlike at normal showings, there’s no immediate mass exodus; almost everyone stays to watch the credits, and even as they roll to a close, only a few people drift out. A low murmur arises from the crowd, and Hoseok hears snatches of opinions on the piece.

“Can you believe he said that?”

“… still caught me by surprise. I liked the depiction of family as…”

“Weren’t you crying? I thought…”

They wash over him, and he drowns in the ideas and impressions bleeding their vivid colours into existence even after the film is done. It doesn’t matter that the lights are coming on, that the screen is black, that people are slowly finding their feet and their car keys and getting ready to leave. There’s something comforting about his satisfaction, something tangible and unquestionable and honest, and Hoseok wants to bury himself in that emotion until he can’t see or feel anything else, forever.

He wants to, but he can’t.

During the presentations of the films, especially as they’d gotten into it, he’d managed to submerge himself in the experience, yet now that it’s over, Hoseok is drained, exhausted. Yoongi had kept hold of his hand for most of it, they’d eventually banished the arm rest and curled up together, and if the artist had dozed off once or twice during the four hour showing, well, Hoseok isn’t in the mood to hold it against him. At least he’s awake now, watching the black screen with a furrowed brow that makes Hoseok think he might be creating some tattoos off of what they’ve seen.

Hoseok eventually rises from his seat, unexpectedly stiff, and Yoongi is much worse, cursing and standing up so slowly he may as well have claimed a senior’s discount. Watching the grumbling sight, against his inclination Hoseok smiles.

“Such an old man,” he comments gently.

“That’s not what you said last night,” Yoongi replies, and laughs at the instant flood of red across the face of the other man, the quick glance to see if anyone heard.

Once he’s sure there’s no one within earshot, Hoseok relaxes, though he’s not necessarily keen on keeping up this line of conversation. Not in public, anyways. As they file for the exit, he asks, “What was your fave? Film, I mean.”

Yoongi pauses by the garbage at the entrance and throws out the wad of Kleenex he’d shoved into his pocket when his nosebleed had ended, a few minutes into the first film. “The one with the girl who gets lost,” he replies. “Though it’s fucking bullshit she never finds her way out.”

Hoseok chucks away the now-empty bag of candy that his boyfriend had impatiently refused every time it had been offered. Remembering the picture Yoongi’s talking about – the editor had gone crazy with the light filtering, but the tracking shots were gorgeous – Hoseok frowns. “You’re calling the ending bullshit but it’s your fave?”

A shrug. “I think we’re supposed to be pissed off about it. Mad no one helped her or something. It being bullshit is the point.”

That… is deeper than he’d expected Yoongi to go, and Hobi probably shouldn’t be surprised, but he is. It’s not like his boyfriend isn’t a thoughtful person – not in the least, actually – but he tends to get impatient trying to explain what he means, and it isn’t often he sounds so calmly certain about a point he’s trying to make. And Hoseok finds himself agreeing. There had been something demanding about the end of the short, about the way the camera spiralled away in an ever widening shot, something that asked why she was left standing alone in that barren space.

“Didn’t look at it like that, but I think you’re right,” Hoseok says quietly, and can’t quell the swell of guilt that washes over him. Had Yoongi been able to see it so clearly because he feels equally abandoned?

The other man glances at him, eyebrow raised. “I’m glad a soon-to-be famous film director agrees with my theory. Maybe I should publish a thesis paper or something.” Sardonic, but lightly so, and Hoseok may or may not be imagining the searching concern hidden behind that sarcastic gaze.

“You can put my name on it, if you want.” Hoseok smiles as he says it, but turns away from the worry his conscience might be making up. If he’s right – if any of the thoughts skittering through his head are right – it isn’t Yoongi who should be looking at him with that veiled compassion. If he’s right, he thinks his heart might just break under such a look.

“I’ll take you up on it,” the tattooist promises. “Until then… what was your fave, Mr. Expert?”

Did he even have one? It’s not that he can’t remember them all individually, but it’s as though Hoseok had tried so hard to submerse himself in the films that he had accidentally pushed too hard against them, smudged the colours and details of their wet-paint newness into a blur. There’s nothing that truly stands out, and that’s… well, that’s just a shame.

“They were all so good. I’m not surprised any of them were included in the festival.”

Head ticking to the side, Yoongi sucks on his spit, opens his mouth, seems to think better of it. He looks down as they push their way through the doors and out into the early evening, his hands crumpling the beanie he’d taken off long ago into a tight ball before shoving it into his hoodie pocket. From the corner of his eye Hoseok catches him chewing on the inside of his cheek, the motion almost savage. Throwing up a hand to shield from the sudden sun, eventually the artist mumbles, “I just – I hope you enjoyed it, yeah?”

“Of course!” The reply is immediate, fervent, because Hoseok can’t bear the tentative way he asks that question. “Especially – man, that you thought of me at all. That you got the tickets for me. That’s so cool, Yoongs.”

The other man relaxes. “Well, like I said, they were free. Really wasn’t much.” That had been such a relief the first time Hoseok heard it, and even hearing it again has him sighing gratefully. He knows Yoongi doesn’t have money to spare – he makes a respectable amount tattooing, but almost everything goes into the rent for Born Tiger – and the thought of him paying had put Hoseok’s throat in knots. At least Yoongi had set that straight during the first intermission between showings.

It suddenly occurs to Hoseok that he knows that Yoongi isn’t lying about getting the tickets for free. Knows, not assumes or believes. It’s like knowing a fact is true because he’s seen it for himself. Where does that certainty come from? Where did–

He jerks his thoughts to a hard stop. He’ll figure it out, one way or another, but for now… for now Yoongi is watching him with gentle, tired affection, and if his eyes are bruises and his skin too blanched, at least he looks happy. Hoseok would do a hell of a lot more than play dumb to keep that expression in place, if only for a little while longer. They stop a little way down the street, keep out of everyone’s way. “You wanna get something to eat?”

Yoongi considers that for a moment, but eventually shakes his head. “I don’t want to take too much of your time – it’s already cool you agreed to spend some time with me today.”

“Y’know, I’m not a celebrity just yet. It’s not like my time is worth gold or anything.”

“Nah,” Yoongi replies with a wry twist of his lips, “just worth something else. Let me start paying you?” Then he reaches over, catches at the back of Hoseok’s neck, and Hoseok is already grinning at the familiar joke, but his smile becomes softer under his boyfriend’s mouth.

This kiss is quiet, almost too timid, so he throws his arms around the other man, pulls him closer, anything to cement their contact. His boyfriend responds with a low hum, the sound a reverberation of appreciation that pulses through Hoseok’s bones, replaces his marrow with a contentment that’s too airy to hold the weight of everything else. But – for a moment, it can manage. And it does, as they break off and Yoongi presses his face against Hoseok’s chest, though not quickly enough to hide the expression on his face, so tender it appears a mere breath from falling apart. Tightening his arms around the small man’s shoulders, as though that alone could hold them both together, Hoseok kisses the top of Yoongi’s head. Was there a way, some magic of filmography he hasn’t found yet, to extend this moment forever? Not freeze it like a photograph, but just… keep it going, keep all the affection and warmth and the way the sun burnishes Yoongi’s blonde hair into feathery gold?

“I love you,” Hoseok murmurs, and for once there’s no anxiety in those words, no uncertainty or fear of rejection. He and Yoongi – together, like this – is so right. Maybe only for a minute or a moment, but for as long as it lasts, he can close his eyes and feel that rightness like music in his ears, like honey on his tongue, like a shot of some view you’d climbed miles to see.

For a long time, there is simple quiet in response, but Hoseok is aware of Yoongi’s shoulders trembling as he struggles to draw in breath after breath. Eventually the artist clears his throats, whispers shakily, “Yeah. I love you too, Hobi… so much,”

They stay as they are for several minutes, secure, linked by touch and something so much heavier, something Hoseok can’t name. Eventually though, Yoongi stirs in his arms, eases himself away. His mouth is a reluctant slash when he looks up, but nonetheless he says, “We should go. You got too much shit to do to be standing around.”

In more ways than one, he’s right. Hoseok can hardly think about the various project deadlines and exams coming up in the next two weeks, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. And besides, if he’s actually going to make himself go through with the plan…

It’s his turn to take in a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’ll drive you home first.”

“It’s not that far,” Yoongi snorts dismissively, already turning to walk away.

Hoseok catches his wrist. “You set all of this up for me. It’s the least I can do.”

“Aish… okay.” The surrender comes quickly, more quickly than Hoseok expects it to, and he finds himself wondering at it as they begin to stroll to Hobi’s car. For all of Yoongi’s dismissive tone, it is a pretty far walk to Born Tiger – is that why he’d agreed so promptly? Because a walk like that is hard for Yoongi nowadays?

Jiggling his keys to keep the electric tension at bay, the warmth dissipating like water through his grasping fingers and leaving something cold in its wake, Hoseok can’t stop himself from chatting as they walk, but his heart isn’t in it. Neither is Yoongi’s, to judge by the distracted responses, and he keeps expecting there to be a sudden crack, a sudden halt, a sudden outpouring of whatever is welling up inside the both of them. It never comes, though. The thunderous clouds just swell without rain, and he’s no god to know how to change this weather pattern.

He has to try, though.

By the time they’ve slipped into the car and Hoseok has pulled into rush hour traffic, that knowledge has hardened into resolve. When the other man takes out his phone and starts fiddling with it, he glances over – probably too intently – and asks so casually that it’s not casual at all, “Are you gonna call your doctor for an appointment now?”

Yoongi fumbles the device, drops it into his lap. “What – right now?” he asks, picking it back up.

“Not everyone works ‘til two in the morning, Yoongs. Pretty sure doctor offices close soon.” His companion is frowning at him, and Hoseok just hopes Yoongi assumes he’s nervous about bringing up something that was close to starting an argument a few hours ago. Which he is. Amazing how even a lie can rest on a foundation of truth. Clearing his throat when the other says nothing, he coaxes, “It’ll only take a moment.”

“And you get to see me doing it,” the artist observes flatly.

Hoseok flinches, can’t deny the implicit accusation. But neither can he backtrack, so he keeps his eyes on the road and sits a little straighter. “You put this off a lot, Yoongi. I’m just – I’m trying to help.”

A violent exhale from the man beside him, and Hoseok flinches again, more from the guilt of what he isn’t saying than anything else. After a moment of fraught silence, another sigh, considerably softer than the first. “I know you’re trying. I’m trying too. It’s just, this,” he touches his nose like it symbolizes all the misery he’s been going through, “this ain’t anything until someone tells me it’s something y’know? And I think I would have preferred… I mean, that I’d prefer not knowing. Easier.”

“But not necessarily better,” Hoseok says quietly, and wonders how much of this is real and how much is just more of the same.

“Maybe…” A few seconds pass in torn silence, and then abruptly Yoongi snorts. “Fuck. I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?” Without waiting for a reply, he scrolls through his phone, has it up to his ear before Hoseok can doubt if he’s actually going to call. “Hello? Dr. Cho? Yeah, this is Min Yoongi calling. No, not – not about that.” It’s impossible to miss the tension in Yoongi’s voice, the coolly impassive look plastered across his face when Hoseok risks a glance, but Hoseok can’t make out anything the person on the other end is saying, just hears an incomprehensible voice.

“No, I don’t want that. I just wanted to schedule another appointment….” A pause as he lets the other person talk, and if anything, Yoongi’s expression grows colder. Or maybe not colder, maybe just… rigid. Eventually he seems to interrupt. “I know all that. Thanks. Like I said, just want an appointment. Some time next week? Yeah, sure. Uh huh. Mhm. Yeah. See you soon. Thanks.” His hand drops to rest limply on his thigh, and it takes several more seconds before Yoongi hangs up the call.

He turns to Hoseok. “Three o’clock on Tuesday. You satisfied?”

Refusing to rise to that combative tone – it’s obvious this call has unnerved his boyfriend, and in between his guilt and his pity, Hoseok can’t feel anything else – the film student just smiles as brightly as he can. “Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Thanks, Yoongs. Seriously – thanks.”

His voice has lightened into something closer to grumpiness than anger when he replies. “Yeah, whatever. Now I get to spend an hour having her rip into me for not scheduling sooner.”

“Do you not like her?” Hoseok asks in surprise. He’s always assumed Yoongi’s aversion to getting a checkup was an internal issue, but maybe it was partly his doctor’s fault? That makes him hope. Maybe he is overreacting. Maybe it really is as simple as that. Maybe…

Yoongi grimaces. “It’s not like that. She’s just… pushy. Doesn’t like putting up with my bullshit.” His laugh isn’t very amused. “Guess that makes two of us. Anyways, no, I’ve had her for awhile now. She’s fine. I’m just being a bastard.”

“Good to hear.” Although it isn’t, not really.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the trip, Hoseok sweating over somehow giving himself away while Yoongi seems withdrawn and comfortable staring out the window without speaking. When they pull into a spot a short distance from Born Tiger, Hoseok feels like he’s about to have a heart attack. Hands pressing into the steering wheel until they ache, he almost doesn’t manage to make himself do it. Yoongi’s gathered up his stuff, hand on the door, before a surge of desperation rips the words from Hoseok’s tongue.

“Uh, hey! Could I borrow your phone for a sec? Mine’s dead.”

“What do you need it for?” Yoongi asks, but he’s already handing it over, nothing but distracted amusement on his face.

“I forgot I wanted to text Jimin, tell him I’m just gonna grab some fast-food for dinner. Ask if he and the other guys wanted anything.” The pads of his fingers are sweaty, and he has to try a few times to type Yoongi’s password – genius – before getting in. He hovers for a moment over Contacts, struggling to make himself move.

Meanwhile, Yoongi scoffs. “Dunno why you even need to ask. Tae and Kookie would eat out of a garbage bin if someone told them it was free.”

Hoseok cracks a weak smile. “Probably not out of it.” He still can’t make himself do what he’s been planning since before the films.

“Yeah, you’re right. They’d get plastic plates first.” It’s the fondness in Yoongi’s voice that does it. Pushes him into leaving Contacts untouched and pressing on Phone History. Because that gruff, protective affection for the younger boys… Hoseok can’t lose it. He can’t stop having those rough, secure words in his life, not when everything before Yoongi was too smooth to hold onto. He just can’t. And if this isn’t what he dreads it might be, well, Yoongi will be pissed, but he’ll also be forgiving, sooner or later. Haven’t the last few months proven that?

Phone tilted away from the other man, Hoseok taps into the most recent call, made to a Dr. Cho Jiyoo. Moving his fingers like he’s texting, he just stares at the number there instead, committing it to memory to the best of his ability. A few seconds later, he actually goes to Jimin, sends the message, and then hands the cell back to Yoongi with an empty hollowness in his stomach. It’s a good thing his boyfriend has his own things to worry about, because Hoseok isn’t exactly doing this with picture perfect guile.

It doesn’t take hardly any time at all for Jimin to reply, which is a blessing. Hoseok can only repeat the numbers in his head for so long before he’s bound to mess them up, especially while encouraging Yoongi to do most of the talking.

Breaking off a story about a guy who fainted dead away within five minutes of his first ever needle, the artist checks his vibrating phone. “Jimin says Taehyung is eating with Jin, but he and Jungkook could go for something.” Another buzz of an incoming message, and he barks a laugh. “Jungkook votes for McDonald’s, so I was right; he would eat out of a dumpster if it was free.”

Shaking his head at that – 4, 53, 67, 32, 08 – Hoseok asks, “Did Jimin get a vote?”

“Subway. You roll with the most high-class people, hey?”

“Oh, ‘cause your choice would be so much better.” When Yoongi opens his mouth, Hoseok adds, “Starbucks isn’t that classy, Yoongs.” 67, 32, 08…

“You would know,” Yoongi shoots back, with a gummy smile that’s nothing short of breathtaking, and it lurches through Hoseok’s throat until he almost lets go of the numbers and plan altogether. He can hardly breathe through his shame about not speaking honestly to Yoongi, and with that trusting grin right in front of him…

“Yoongi,” Hoseok says, and the man across from him dampens his smile at the strangled tone, leans forward a bit.

“Yeah?” the artist asks quietly, brows furrowing in miniscule tension.

Please tell me the truth. The words are so easy – so impossible to say. What is the truth? What is the nagging feeling that drags like oil across Hoseok’s brain whenever he looks at his tattoo? What is the crumpled expression Yoongi wears when he thinks no one can see him? And what the hell could Hoseok do if Yoongi refused to answer any of those questions?

And what if he didn’t?

His fingers drum against the steering wheel, and when he can’t get them to stop, Hoseok wrenches them off, buries them in his lip. He smiles, or tries to. “I’ll call you later tonight, okay? You can listen to me cry about how behind I am with everything.”

“My favorite mixtape,” Yoongi jokes, though the furrow across his forehead doesn’t really disappear. “I’ll be expecting that call. Don’t skip out.” His way of saying that he’s around to listen, that he doesn’t want Hoseok to keep it to himself. If they don’t get away from each other soon, Hoseok really is going to start crying.

Keeping his breath shallow, he shakes his head. “I won’t. Don’t worry. I’ll see you later.”

He’s actually relieved when Yoongi doesn’t make any move to kiss him goodbye. It’s not the usual – just another signal of how off things are between them – but Hoseok’s pretty sure if they touched right now, everything would come spilling out. Not necessarily through his lips, but maybe through his skin, or his head, or his heart… or wherever this aching connection is anchored, somewhere beyond his mere body.

Hand against his neck, Yoongi hesitates before he opens his door. “Happy belated b-day, Hobi,” he says, and the humour is so pale it might as well be invisible. All Hoseok can do is incline his head and murmur a tight thank you. Fingers still stroking across his neck, there’s another breathless pause before Yoongi shuts his eyes and heaves himself out of the car, movements stiff and pained. “I’ll see you later,” is his low promise, and then the door is thudding closed between them.

Because the spikes of restless agony are threatening to drive straight through him if he doesn’t move to avoid them, Hoseok doesn’t wait to watch his boyfriend walk to Born Tiger. Because there’s something ripping him apart already and anything added will splinter him into even smaller pieces, he doesn’t look in the rear-view mirror once he’s beyond the other man. Because the only thing he can do right now is go forward, Hoseok doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn around, doesn’t go back. He sets his jaw, looks up a number and an address on his almost fully charged phone, and puts it into the GPS.

---

The office looks as conventional as any medical company Hoseok has seen, at least from the outside. Short and insistently rectangular, the building is painted a sandy brown, while the double doors of the entrance are white, and plenty of windows dot the squat structure. There’s a little bed of flowers and some potted plants out front. It doesn’t look like a place where people go to learn they’re dying.

But it is. This isn’t the doctor’s office Hoseok had expected when he looked up the name and the number he had taken from Yoongi’s phone. He isn’t really sure what he’d expected, but it wasn’t an oncologist’s office. The CL Courage Clinic is, according to the website, a specialty cancer clinic that deals with various kinds of chronic leukemia. There aren’t all that many cars in the parking lot, but then again, it’s kind of late. He wonders if Dr. Cho is still here. He wonders what he’s doing here.

His pulse is thrumming in his throat, and when Hoseok swallows it feels like his heart is about to burst through his trachea. He knows what the doctor looks like – the website had all of their pictures – but there’s a layer of static over everything he sees and he’s not altogether confident he’ll even be able to recognize her. Breath so harsh he can’t hear the music playing on the car radio, eventually Hoseok shuts it off, anything to reduce the unrelenting everything that’s crushing him into a panicked nothing.

What am I doing here? He’s falling to pieces so quickly he can’t put himself together again. Am I really about to– He can’t think about it, he can’t, he can’t. He has to do it.

He has to, but for a long time Hoseok just sits in his car, shifting constantly, rubbing his fingers raw against anything that comes under his hands. He’d thought he’d go into the building, ask for the doctor, but now he’s starting to wonder if maybe he should just wait for her out here. Maybe she’s gone home already. Maybe the thought that has him caressing his collarbone and then jerking away as if stung is more ridiculous than anything else he’s managed to think up. After so many months – after what feels like a lifetime – would Yoongi really not have told him?

By now, Hoseok isn’t really sure what he’s talking about, even within his own mind. Told him what? About sickness? Or soulmates? Or are they somehow the same thing, now?

Minutes pass and doubts churn trenches through Hoseok’s head, ruthlessly treading the same paths over and over again until it feels like there’s no way to think outside the ditches, no way to leap beyond their bounds. He thinks, and only manages to dig himself deeper into paralysis.

For the seventh or eighth time, the clinic door opens, and someone steps outside. He looks towards them, empty of expectation. That might be why it takes him a moment to recognize the lady in a flora summer dress as she hitches a purse over her shoulder and walks with quick, short strides. When he does, everything… collapses. The fear, the doubts, the shrieking, formless anxiety, they don’t disappear, but they contract into a place somewhere just behind his sternum. It’s almost as though the sheer weight of his breakdown has finally ripped a blackhole into existence, and it’s dragging his heart and lungs and stomach into a mangled mess of impossible heaviness. What emotions could escape the gravity of such dread?

He forces his door open too hard, has to wrench it back to avoid smashing into the truck he’d parked next to. Clambering out of the luxurious car feels like a confession of sin, and his jerky steps are quick to leave the sleek vehicle behind.

“Dr. Cho. Umm, Dr. Cho!” The second time he calls she hears him, turns his way. His immediate impression is thinness – thin black hair, thin lips, thin eyebrows, thin shoulders… thin patience, if the expression on her taut face is any clue. He’s not sure how old she is – maybe fifty, though the exasperation makes it harder to be sure.

“May I help you?” she asks, in a slow way that suggests she’s hoping the answer is no. He can’t entirely blame her, given the time and the way he’s accosting her outside her work.

Bouncing his weight back and forth from foot to foot, Hoseok nods several times as if the motion alone might shake some words from his head to his too-dry mouth. It doesn’t, but the compression in his chest hasn’t managed to swallow his tongue quite yet, and so he manages to push out a quick introduction. “Uh, hello, Dr. Cho. My name is Jung Hoseok. We haven’t – I saw you on the clinic website, and I, umm, was hoping we could talk.”

If anything, her eyes narrow even further. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jung, but I generally only meet by appointment, and only during office hours. You could have phoned the clinic and scheduled a time to talk.” ‘Should have’ is more than implicit in her words, but the doctor’s displeasure hits his chest and – dissolves. It can’t gain any purchase in the flattened landscape of his feelings.

“I’m really, really sorry, but I couldn’t – I only just, uh, found out I need to talk to you.” Because I’m stupid. Because I’ve failed him.

Dr. Cho sighs, adjusts the purse on her shoulder. The motion makes her seem less annoyed and more… tired. “Did you receive a referral from your family doctor? I know it’s always very terrifying to receive a possible diagnosis, but it really would be better to schedule an appointment, so I have the opportunity to look at your information and –”

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok interrupts, the pressure mostly squeezing embarrassment into oblivion. He doesn’t even flush at accidentally giving her the wrong impression. “It’s not about me, it’s about one – one of your patients.”

Immediately her back is a little straighter, her brow a little more creased. “One of my patients?”

“Yes. His name is Min Yoongi. He’s… I think he’s been seeing you recently?”

She mouths the name, not as if it’s unfamiliar, but rather as though it surprises her to hear someone mention it. The tightness behind his ribs contracts even further, to the point of pain. He’d thought – hoped, prayed, begged – that she wouldn’t know what he was talking about, but she definitely knows Yoongi. Everything had suggested that she would, but if it had been a misunderstanding, if he’d gotten the wrong doctor… It’s getting a bit hard to breathe.

For a second, it looks as though curiosity might impel Dr. Cho to speak further, but the inclination is quickly suppressed, and her wariness comes back. “We’re not permitted to discuss our patients without their permission. It’s best if you ask him about–”

“He won’t tell me.” Even to his own ears, the toneless certainty is too flat to be anything but despairing. Hoseok tries to picture it – tries to imagine a conversation between he and Yoongi that leads towards them understanding each other more, and not breaking apart – but he can’t. He believes Yoongi loves him, but now, with the open chasm of truth before him, Hoseok knows his boyfriend would do anything to avoid pitching him into its consuming blackness. That must be why. It’s the only reason he can think of for why they haven’t taken this plunge together.

It doesn’t make him feel better – if anything, it just makes it worse. He had thought honesty was white, was open, was a bridge between two trusting people, but this – this isn’t that.

Her eyes flick to his face and then quickly away again, embarrassed or uncomfortable with whatever she finds there. When the doctor speaks, her voice is kind but without an inch of give. “I’m sorry, but I really can’t help you with this. It seems best that you talk to him directly. If he gives permission for me to disclose information…” By the way she trails off, Hoseok isn’t the only one who knows that won’t happen. How long has Yoongi been seeing her for, that she’s so aware of that fact?

Straightening her shoulders, expression apologetic in face of his hopeless silence, Dr. Cho inclines her head. “I’m sorry,” she says again. “I hope everything works itself out.” And with that she moves to leave.

It turns out there’s one thing strong enough to escape the blackhole nestled in his chest – desperation. “Wait!” Hoseok reaches out, jerks back his hand before he catches her. Nonetheless, she pauses. Hardly knowing what he’s doing, he finds himself scrabbling at the high neck of his shirt, yanking it down with enough force that it sounds like the fabric is ripping. Ignoring that, he pulls it even further, baring the wilted flower there. The way her eyes widen, the way she leans forward with a mixture of revulsion and reluctant fascination, tells him it’s exactly as it’s been for the last few weeks.

He knows what she’s wondering as her gaze traces the withered lines, the tones that smudge more towards ashen rot than any real flower would ever experience. Why would someone get a tattoo like this?

Why did he get a tattoo like this? And God, doesn’t he know the answer?

“This belongs to him,” Hoseok blurts out, still only half sure of what he’s saying.

She doesn’t look away from the decaying image, but there’s no dawning awareness on her face as she replies, “Yoongi is a tattoo artist, isn’t he? He did this?” Can he blame her for not understanding? How long has it taken him to finally grasp what’s been hovering over this mark? How many times has he been on the verge of holding it, only to let go at the last moment, afraid that comprehension will make it into a reality too heavy to carry?

He takes too long to respond, grappling with what to answer. Dr. Cho straightens, finally pulls her eyes away. “It seems you’re good friends, and he’s obviously very talented, but that… I still can’t help you.”

“No, I don’t –” Just what is he trying to say? The pressure crushing his insides is finally too tight; cracks are ribboning through the blackhole, fissures of agonized acknowledgement that his whole existence isn’t enough to suppress. Guilt, terror, rage, grief – what are those words in the midst of the detonation blossoming it’s frenzied heat up his throat?

His hand finds the tattoo, presses against it. Too hard, his nails digging into the skin, but the heat remains, and so does the flower. It will continue there. He can’t rip it off. Nothing can. Nothing can separate the mark from the flesh. Hoseok finds a sudden, bracing relief in that thought, as though, with everything spiralling out of his hands, this alone will remain as it is. No matter what he says, no matter what he does – this bond is going to remain.

He breathes through his clenched teeth, as if the air burns his lungs, but there are a few words that haven’t been immolated in the fire. “This tattoo belongs to Yoongi,” Hoseok repeats, his tone almost too shrill. “It belongs to him, because–” There is a small falter, another hard inhale, before he continues, voice picking up force and certainty. “Because he belongs to me.”

Caught up in the torrent of his declaration, Dr. Cho understands what he means immediately, and her expressive eyebrows jump up in startled incredulity as she takes an involuntary half-step back. He almost wants to do the same, with the words still searing his tongue and blistering his lips. Saying it feels like releasing a spell, like casting some kind of dreadfully powerful incantation that he couldn’t undo even if he wanted to. At the same time, there’s a shuddering throughout his whole body, as if his muscles and bones are snapping into their proper places, for the first time in forever. He belongs to me. Hoseok wouldn’t unsay that, even if he could.

This time, when her gaze lands on the mark, it tears along the lines like a surgical knife, trying to separate the bleak colours from the skin, to see it in a different light. And see it she does, as the understanding settles into something deeper, sorrowful realization mingling with heavy pity. Hoseok doesn’t want to see that – he wants to shut his eyes – but that won’t stop the sensation discharging through his arteries and carrying liquid anguish to the rest of his body.

“You two are bonded?” Dr. Cho all but whispers, and it’s so easy to ignore the way his eyes are aching and simply nod instead, as though he’s known all along. So easy to acknowledge that blood is red, tears are clear, Hoseok has a tattoo, and he and Yoongi are soulmates.

Why is it so easy? After months of refusing to believe, embracing this truth feels like holding onto Yoongi; light, warm, and altogether too real to be doubted. Hoseok finds himself mouthing the words, though he can’t quite say it yet. We’re bonded.

The doctor’s lips twist, her head tilting slightly, but nonetheless her examination doesn’t let up, body angled unwillingly forward to get a better view. “It hasn’t always looked like this?” she finally asks, and he wonders suddenly if there’s some kind of medical practice that takes the condition of soulmate tattoos into consideration. If she could have used this earlier.

It’s not so easy to shake his head, but Hoseok forces himself to do it anyways. “No, it hasn’t. Just – just recently. It’s always been – it’s never been absolutely perfect, but never this bad.”

“He really hasn’t told you anything?” Her disbelief hurts him, ashes and cinder burning along his throat as he’s reminded of how wrong this is.

Swallowing the embers, he replies, “No, he… I didn’t ask him enough. I should have pushed harder. I should have…” There’s too much to write in this column, not enough ink to jot it all down. He should have, he should have, he should have. “Please, I don’t know what else to do. Please, just…” Help me. Hoseok doesn’t know how to say that to this stranger, this woman who may well have been keeping his soulmate alive, who is undoubtedly judging him for his severe deficiencies now.

But if Dr. Cho is judging him, that judgement doesn’t overwhelm her sympathy. Eyes rising from his tattoo to meet his frantically imploring stare, the thin woman taps her forehead, where thoughtful creases have appeared. She doesn’t seem like the type to agonize over a decision for very long. And sure enough, far before the apprehension can do more than constrict his throat, the doctor turns away, begins to walk back to the clinic. Hoseok stares after her, not daring to expect anything.

Over her shoulder, she calls words that give him the barest hint of a reason to hope. “Come. We should discuss this in my office.”

Injected with something resembling relief – but not that, never that, not while Yoongi’s reality is still so twisted from what it should be – Hoseok hurries after her.

---

He’s collapsed on the couch, back pressed into the armrest, knees drawn up, a sketchbook resting on his abdomen and balanced against his legs, his coloured pencils on the table next to him. Yoongi is hunched over the drawing, almost curled around it, as though it’s an open wound that needs protecting. And maybe it is. He’s made several dozen strokes of his pencil along the page, but they’re just aimless slashes, split seams with nothing in between. He’d wanted to put his feelings down – on paper and otherwise – but his ideas keep slipping away, and if Yoongi knew what he wanted to draw when he sat down, he certainly doesn’t know now.

Hoseok’s face keeps intruding. That isn’t unheard of – and typically it’s more of a pleasure than a pain – but today is different. The sun without its rays is stark. Hoseok’s face without its smile is bleak.

Today had gone so fucking wrong.

I am so tired of this fucking bullshit.

It’s true, but it’s truer to say that Yoongi is tired of his own bullshit. Whether he means his body’s slow deterioration or his constant lying to hide that decline depends on the day – hell, it depends on the hour. Right now, he pretty much means the lying part. Pulling himself together enough to accompany Hoseok to the film festival after the news Dr. Cho had given him hadn’t been all that difficult – even Atlas had to get comfortable with the world on his shoulders, sooner or later – but had it even been worth it?

More and more, when Hoseok looks at him, Yoongi senses that the other man is… searching. Looking beyond the barriers he throws up, even looking beyond the concrete comfort that they feel when they’re together. His sun tattoo has been looking off recently, too. The colour isn’t draining, but the rays of light have become sharper, more defined, almost painfully distinct. Little spikes of anxiety. The overall tone has also shifted to a redder hue, more like a dying sun than a brilliant one.

Brushing his thumb over the inside of his elbow, he can’t stop the twist of his lips. Today, with Hobi all but demanding he call the doctor, Yoongi wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss him or smack him upside the head. The concern is touching, a heart-hurt that he can only be grateful for, but it can only lead one way, the one way Yoongi can’t accept, and he suspects they’re getting closer to that path.

In fact, as Yoongi had shut the car door and walked away, that feeling solidified into certainty. Hoseok found something. That’s what his demand was about, that was why he was acting so shady. The realization had been all altitude and dizziness for Yoongi, and even now, there’s nausea cringing at the corners of the artist’s stomach, like he expects the floor to collapse at any second and send him plummeting straight down. What had Hoseok found? Which secret? Any? Or is this just paranoia stacked on pain?

Another rough line added to the rest of the strokes, and it’s still a mess. Nothing clear. No answers. Just the wild apprehension teeming like termites through his wooden brain. Mumbling to himself, Yoongi tears out the page, holds it in his hand for a moment before, with a low exhale, he casts it aside.

He can’t start over anywhere else in his life, but isn’t that half the appeal of what he’s doing now?

This time, when Yoongi begins to draw, he has a better idea of where he wants to go. He’s borrowing from the film he’d liked. The concept, not the actual image. A single stem of soft blue orchids, floating in a black expanse that’s barely discernable as water. It looks more like ink. Some of the flowers are already partially submerged in the dark substance, the gentle petals streaked with oily shadows. There’s no ripple across the water, no sign of movement or change. Just the orchids, alone, slowly sinking.

It takes him a couple of hours, and during that time he can pour everything into the long funnel his focus creates, splattering the page with his loneliness. The fear, the anger, the guilt, the grief, it’s all there in that limitless lake of black. It’s nothing more than a sketch; he needs a table and a better setup to draw something worth showing to others. It is what he wanted to draw, though. As he finishes he knows that, yet… when Yoongi looks at it, his pencil falling into his lap, the itching, frantic feeling is already beginning to squirm to life again. He can’t exorcise it with this torrent of truth.

What if Hoseok does know? What then? Where is the beaming man in this picture?

Yoongi glances at his cell, checking the time. He’s only a little surprised to see that it’s a bit after 7. Time is a construct, after all, and it’s especially unstable when creativity and emotions come out to play together. A direct quote from Namjoon. Yoongi scoffs at it even as fondness makes him smooth the page against his knees with more gentleness than he might have done otherwise. The despair is demanding he crumple paper and shatter glass, but the artist shoves it down. Remembers the look on Hoseok’s face when he saw the theatre and realized where they were going.

His pencil – a yellowy gold tone – hovers uncertainly over the corner of the drawing. Can he add this? Does he deserve to add it?

Before he can make up his mind, there’s a knock on the entrance downstairs. Hard. It comes again, and then again, no regularity to the sounds. Again, like stuttering breaths or crippled steps. The pounding sets his nerves alight, and against any rational thought, Yoongi freezes, his fingers curling into fists. It’s probably some drunk messing up where they are; there are enough of those on Skymont, even if it is kinda early. Or maybe it’s a customer who forgot something, even though he’s meticulous about cleaning the studio and hadn’t found anything recently. It’s probably nothing. Maybe he doesn’t even need to answer.

It isn’t any kind of rational thought that has Yoongi casting his eyes down, half-flinching at a new round of knocking. It isn’t even intuition, the kind you laugh at during the day and heed while walking down dark streets. Something more forceful, inexorable, makes him drag his gaze back to the tattoo he had been considering only a few hours ago. A tattoo that is, before his eyes, slowly but surely dissolving through a slew of sickly colours, like diseased flesh across his skin. Yet, even as Yoongi watches in numb, detached interest, the form begins to solidify in an explosion of brighter, harsher tones.

As it does, he hears someone call in a voice stripped to its ragged core, “Yoongi!”

The sun loses its colours, finds them again, shot through with waves of distortion that look like a mirage. Repeat. And repeat.

The entire process takes about five minutes, and the knocking doesn’t stop, and still Yoongi can’t make himself move. He watches the tattoo, waiting for it to fade into nothing, or at least go dead and black. It doesn’t, the jumbled swirls of colour continuing, but the person at the door calls again, “Yoongi! Yoongi – open the door.”

Yoongi’s complained about his thin walls before. Hoseok knows that he can hear. It wouldn’t even matter if he hadn’t. The tattooist – feels his soulmate. All the time, yes, but more so now, the awareness closer to a deafening noise than any kind of conscious recognition. And the wavering lines of the tattoo mean… just exactly what he’s suddenly terrified that they mean. The numbness is washed away in a flood of ice through his stomach, and Yoongi realizes that he’s trembling.

Almost too hard to make it down the stairs, hand on the wall for balance.

Stumbling off the last step, the artist makes his way down the hallway, through his tattooing parlour. The scents and sights of his chairs and equipment aren’t reassuring; he’s alienated from them, as though he’s become a ghost, just drifting through an existence that’s no longer his. Each knock jars him further from reality. He can’t seem to formulate any thoughts. No words or excuses or apologies to set his slanted world back on its straight axis.

The dread is a far stronger impression than anything else, coppery on his tongue, and by the time Yoongi gets to the front of the store, he can even feel it coating his fingertips. Lifting a too-heavy arm, he pauses at the lock, watches the way his hand shakes in front of it, and abruptly feels contempt. He’s so afraid. Does Hoseok deserve such a cowardly person?

“…Yoongi?” Quieter now, as though he knows how much closer Yoongi is, Hoseok’s voice wedges into the icy fear, sends little cracks shuddering through it.

His other hand comes up to press against his neck, almost hard enough to cut off air and dread altogether, and in the same motion, Yoongi throws the bolt. He can’t make himself open the door. He doesn’t need to. The other person must hear him fumbling with the lock – or maybe they just know – and a second later the door is jerked open.

The bell rings. Yoongi flinches. Hoseok doesn’t.

His crumpled mouth hurts more than even the red, frantic eyes, though those are hard enough to meet. It’s just, Yoongi hasn’t ever wanted to be the reason Hoseok frowns like that, like he’s going to crumple at any second. Hoseok is the most beautiful person on the planet when he smiles, and right now his mouth looks like it will never remember how to smile again. Yoongi caused that misery one too many times already, and he’s literally sacrificed everything to avoid doing it again.

Looking at Hoseok’s foundering expression becomes too painful and he wrenches his eyes down only to see his hands, running feverish tracks along the seams of his jeans. Faced with the silent, screaming pain of those fingers, Yoongi doesn’t know what to say.

#yoonseok #sope #sope fanfiction #yoonseok fanfiction #networkbangtan #my fanfic #yoongi #hoseok

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ambitionsource · 4 years

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001 for dasher!! :)

oh boy....... hoooooo boyyyyyyyyy

Dylan & Asher

When I started shipping it if I did: so if i were a viewer, i think i would like ship them from basically the moment it was made pretty clear on the show that they were romantically linked rather than just Good Pals Being Pals (i.e. “LOVE OF MY LIFE” in 103). but for a majority of s1 i think it would be a passive shipping sort of thing, like i’d love their moments and enjoy watching them, but things wouldn’t really Click into place until s2 when we really start to actually dig into them and their dynamic / their individual struggles (i.e., their promotion to regulars in s2). around 203 + 204 i’d be so locked in though, that’s probably when i’d start making fandom content or digging around for fics, and then by 207 / 208... whew y’all. whew!

My thoughts: okay so like not to be dramatic but like. im really kind of obsessed with them doe GJDSGFDKJHLFKDH. like i’m really chill about it on here for the most part, but i have not shut up about them in my gcs since quite literally like. august. there’s kind of like this whole timeline for them that doesn’t exist on the Show because its just not relevant to the story, but there’s a lot of their development as individuals and a relationship going on in the background of s2 that really informs how i write them and is really quite elaborate FDSJGLKDSG. i have an entire drive folder that’s dedicated to screenshots of the conversations we’ve had in the discord that chronicles some of this stuff. like what we fondly refer to as “4 days” which is this period between 203 and 204 in which asher became so overwhelmed with everything going on with lucas that he just dropped everything and isolated for a few days -- including closing the window on dylan; and that really has a major impact on their relationship and sort of leads to this Relationship Upgrade in the sense that they go from having the fun and easy going relationship they have in s1 to really like... committing to one another and stepping into this deeper Partnership. i can’t do it justice just talking abt it but like. again to keep it concise, i’m obsessed

What makes me happy about them: literally... so much. i will say that i think what’s really important to me about them -- as well as on the show and what they represent -- is that they really do demonstrate this like... Healthy relationship. and they don’t realize it, but they are one of the only examples of a healthy, committed, equal partnership that many of their friends have in their lives (lucas and isa, specifically). so they’re leaving this impact on people just by leading by example and just living with their hearts on their sleeves and being so unapologetically loving, and that is just... a message i want to spread far and wide. dylan and asher definitely both have their quirks and flaws, but they’re two characters who are so fundamentally driven by compassion and love in their own ways -- and then its really beautiful to watch them share that energy with one another at the most devoted level

What makes me sad about them: i mean like.......... honestly? not much. how wild is that. a pairing that doesn’t make me wanna kermit bc there’s so much angst riddled throughout.......... unreal..........

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i firmly believe that da would be such an interesting fandom to analyze. this is because they would definitely have a strong fanbase of their own (especially post S2), but also i bet they would be victims of the “supporting pairing” in a lot of fics -- i.e., they get tagged as a pairing on ao3 but then only are featured in like 3 scenes out of a 220448328 word fic. you know, that tragedy. also annoying would be 1) dumbing down dylan or focusing only on his naivety / simplistic nature and stripping him of his incredible emotional literacy and lowkey wisdom 2) babying either of them and again stripping them of their nuances and complexities 3) exaggerating some of asher’s shrill qualities to the point that he’s just unbearable 4) ANY sort of obvious attempts to Gender their relationship -- i think zc would be able to avoid this for the most part, but i get the feeling it would be a common annoying thing in da portrayals 5) taking asher’s external hesitation towards pda / being too overtly emotional in public and reading that as either him being unaffectionate towards dylan in general or casting him as some sort of prude when in actuality i think asher is more instrumental in their Physical Relationship than one would think on the outset 6) fics where da is tagged but then its like. one of them leaving the other for lucas fDJSGDKGLFD LIKE BYEEEEEEEE

Things I look for in fanfic: on the flip side of my earlier answer, i really do believe that there would be a beautiful and dynamic da writer cohort. i think there would be some REALLY cool and lovely works out there for these two, because i know how much they’ve inspired creativity and excitement for me. i would love fics that are just about filling in missing moments to their relationship that we don’t get to see on the show just due to focus and time; i would be keen for any sort of au with them; i’d want to see portrayals of them that really highlight the balance they bring out in one another and how well they complement one another -- the ways that dylan makes up for asher’s emotional literacy and even a focus on how asher can sometimes struggle to grapple with his emotions despite being so put together in public would be A1; anything that highlights the utmost respect and adoration they have towards one another; always stan representing how touchy-feely dylan is with small affectionate touches; gold star fics would highlight their other relationships as well, both as a duo (the techie crew, dylucasher) and individually (jade x asher, dylan x isa, dylan x dave x nate, their dynamics with riley). i just..... i’m really aching for this fandom rn i tell ya!!!

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: i.......... there’s honestly not an answer. they’re asher and dylan. dylan and asher. they’re literally multiverse endorsed soulmates. there’s a mental block for alternatives sorry!

My happily ever after for them: i don’t have to worry about them so i know i’m gonna get it fDSJKGLFDG but just them continuing to have their deeply committed and supportive and emotionally healthy relationship and be there for one another as they continue to grow as people! can’t wait for them to live together college and beyond and just... thrive. i love them dearly

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: oh this has been well established. asher is the big spoon. there of course are OCCASIONAL days where it shifts (more likely during naps, for example), but when it’s time for bed they will fall asleep with asher hugging dylan and resting his head against his back. that’s The Move. it’s set in stone!

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: they spend so much time together i genuinely could say that just existing together is their activity fDJSKLGJFDKLHDh. but um they like to go on adventures with lucas; dylan will bake and asher will “help” i.e. just keep him company and steal dough; they like watching tv together (wide range from like true crime documentaries to Good TV to the classics like Spongebob to hgtv and chill fdkjhgkjdhg like. Cultured palette here folks); just spending time together but doing their own thing i.e. asher might be reading while dylan is playing nintendo switch but they’re like reclining against one another; they often take drives together and get out of the city just to listen to music and like escape the pressure of that environment; they go on trips with their families and their families even take trips together sometimes once they realize that dasher are basically tied for life (shoutout to the upcoming new years ski trip of 2019... Romance)... i could go on. there’s always much to say. i love them that’s it that’s it that’s it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

send some winter hiatus asks !! or try this one

#she's Obsessed... bet y'all didn't see that one coming did ya #the aaagc knows all too well but i maintain a calm stance fairly well on here #now y'all know !#dylan x asher #winter hiatus 2019 #Anonymous #answered

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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hi dear! i love how complete and entertaining your readings are. could you please talk about got7’s yugyeom natal chart? i’m always amazed by all the duality in his personality

Hey there!! 💞💞 Thank u so much sdnfkns I lov him so much my toll tree baby I’ll do my best for a brief outlook ok 💞

[GOT7 Yugyeom’s Brief Outlook]

ok lets pull up his chart??

Scorpio Sun | Gemini Moon | Sagittarius Mercury | Capricorn Venus-Mars oooof!

Wanna talk about that Capricorn Venus/Mars first, dedicated and serious. Preserving, when he loves something he dedicates so much of his time/effort into perfecting it even if it’s minuscule

Anything that he’s criticized on is just something he’ll push forward/more effort into. With Capricorn there’s a preservation and resilience about them, objectively– they’re one of those combination that can make you love deeply and strongly, but may often want to ‘prove/show’ it instead of boast about themselves

Which is common, because they’re not much for words when it comes to something they truly feel deeply about. If they start talking about it, they might worry it becomes boastful, egoistic or overstating themselves more than they should be.

So demonstrating/self-expressing, putting in quiet effort and behind-the-scene work is mostly how Capricorn Venus/Mars might often ‘perfect’ their skills

The idea of Capricorn wanting recognition is true– but it’s more like, they’re afraid of saying/eating their own feet if people start criticizing/doubting them. If they can show someone what they have, and be praised for it. Then they’ll take as much as they can get, y know?

Like ‘I’ll bring the work, you call the price however you see fit’ because they believe in integrity of character.

That’s Capricorn Venus/Mars– so much resilience, wants to have healthy confidence/pride in themselves, quiet but resolute. Stand strong on their own legs/skill-set so that they can’t be doubted.

With Capricorn/Scorpio combination there’s a lot of loyalty here, personal integrity and devotion. Not just to their craft, but to people as well. They can be hilarious character, if they open up a little more about themselves (but might not like talking about personal/vulnerabilities/issues)

They are however– there for others when they need them. And can dedicate a lot of effort helping/stabilizing someone out even if they don’t need to be (something we can all learn to save/work healthier in)

Next is that combination of Sagittarius Mercury and Gemini Moon, this is a contrast against the Capricorn/Scorpio seriousness sometimes. Like there’s a side that is truly loyal, devoted, dedicated. Yet at the same time, he may come across as someone who’s a jokester, mischevious, a little more perky and light-hearted (can be moody/irritated someones) but never really like– Mad mad y know?

Just stern sometimes. But yeah, with Sagittarius Mercury and Gemini Moon there’s a side that is truly devoted to learning. Communicating and humbling himself in a really organic/natural way that others around him can connect to him genuinely/sincerely.

They may often have an anxious/nervous energy about them that might make someone stay up late sometimes, wonder ‘why did i do that?’ when things doesn’t go as planned (impulsivity) can be serious one moment and then carefree (or appear to be carefree) the next.

Underneath all that is just a person who is often thriving to learn more, a life-long student who continues to think he may have prestige in certain area (is healthily confident in skills) but there are things that would still humble him/keep him on his toes learning still. It’s amazing?

They may be a little scatter-minded sometimes, Cap/Scorp doesn’t save that from them. When he’s on a roll, he’s on a roll. But when he gets distracted, everything kinda drops (kinda like wind)

There’s an element of being chatty when they’re comfortable, although the rest of his placement might point to shyness– this Gemini Moon can share a lot with others if they are comfortable with them.

Making people who know him well going ‘where was the shy boy from before?’ – he’s still there, that’s a part of him. It’s just that Gemini Moon may often ‘switch things up’, a natural worrier, but also speaks so much and not about the things they should be speaking about/is bothering them sometimes as well. It can be developed, so no worries though

Lots of versatility with this Gemini Moon, great analysis, doesn’t need big words in order to express their point across. In fact he might prefer strong pointed words that gets the point across rather than walking around the subject, there’s a straight-forwardness to these placements. Sometimes even lacking tact if he’s agitated/snappy about something.

With Sagittarius Mercury there’s might be having strong morals/beliefs in certain subjects, possibly religion/higher-education/values. These people are great at getting others to open up/talking about deeper stuff, but they counterbalance it with a certain lightness.

It’s a game, the conversation is a game. There’ll be tests sometimes, like ‘what your true values are’ slipping in and out of it, but at the same time they enjoy interactions that are natural and varied. People who can talk about various subjects with them with the same kind of bounce/energy is fun to be around for these natives.

Teasing, a lot of good feels, but also at the same time– dedicated and passionate spirit y know? Passionate Scorpio and Sagittarius, can be quite rebellious that helps push the ‘mischievous’ nature up a bit more.

Combine with Capricorn he can sometimes be strict/stern when things don’t align with his moral/values/belief– if someone is uselessly complaining, sleazy, insincere. He won’t like that at all. (Prefers effort, dedication, sincerity and is semi-good at self-expression or getting others to open up, which is really nice)

With Scorpio in the mix, he can be very observant, patience/tolerant occasionally, critical and comes through a lot as someone who likes to self-express themselves.

Scorpio likes to have fun, once you have your base set (fixed) you can be mischievous when you want to be. The idea is that certain things are reactive, evoke a reaction. Certain things are ‘whatever’ but when you need them the most, they are stable, dependable and reliable/comes through for you.

Bratty occasionally, as opposed to Capricorn’s seriousness. With Scorpio they can often handle themselves, but also needs appreciation/affection from others in order to grow as well (transform/regenerate)

A Scorpio that is often self-deprecating themselves will often exhibit the darker side to others, becoming actions that hurts others (willfully) stemming from strong ego. However, a Scorpio who is nurtured and uses this energy for healthier transformation– can often be someone who protects, guides and heal others as well.

Sun/Neptune sextile (also sextile Lilith) evoke a stronger sense of compassion and understanding in his character. Sometimes rose-tinted glasses/gets hurt easily (because they may believe in integrity of characters) but most of the time, they can be sensitive and caring individual with a lot of creative potential.

Self-expression is the main theme here, a lot of the time Sun/Neptune are one of those people are often dreamy or imaginative, has a lot of things to give and thus– putting it out there and expressing that outwards is something that’s – uhh, something they desire to do but can be scared of criticism as well (considering everything else?)

Soft-hearted with this combination, but he grows from experience y know

Moon/Mars opposition – in this case, it’s because his Gemini Moon is at 27′ (with the unknown birth time) it could’ve been moved into Cancer. Making it aspect Capricorn Mars at 5′. Anyways, Moon/Mars people might find themselves often being physically expressive on certain subjects- particularly, using their body to communicate their feelings outwards. Once they’re excited about something, their arms/limb might start moving. But with his placement in particular, it might be likely that it’s less flailing limbs but more comforting touches.

Security, guarding, letting people know he’s there for them. These kind of physical touches might be more common in order to express himself/show people that he cares for them. This kinda works in combination with the Sun/Neptune earlier– he may often guard his vulnerabilities by putting on a non-affected front (Capricorn Mars) even if he is sensitive inside.

Detachment may be a coping mechanism, in order to handle things. Analyzing things from a distance instead of in the situation/circumstance, he may be ‘strong’ in some areas but his feelings run deep and it does hurt when things/people he cares about are hurt as well.

Competitive spirit may be common, but sometimes not– said outright. Like there’s an idea of getting moody if certain things affect his emotions/values of himself, and thus he pushes it into physically doing better, being better. In order to ‘test’ if it really does work or if he still needs improvement (see if he can do it or not)

Sometimes it can make someone focus so much on themselves/what they do that their bluntness can become offensive. Even if they’re just stating out their opinion, there’s a possibility that Moon/Mars can make like– a whirl pool inside so much it becomes self-absorption instead (if you have this, make sure to guard against it as well).

Anyways, he also has some pretty good Mercury aspects as well!

Mercury/Jupiter sextile, Mercury/Pluto conjunction, Mercury/Saturn trine.

Mercury/Jupiter really helps enhance how versatile and flexible he can be, particularly when it comes to learning about other cultures, different view points, talking it out and education.

I was thinking about this already with Gemini Moon– because it can make a person really smart, but with Mercury/Jupiter combination it can make someone extremely generous and thoughtful when they actually apply it. Even if the execution is crass or ‘needs work’ sometimes, the intention is often good and it makes them well-liked by people around them (individually very popular)

They’re great learners, often someone who would benefit a lot from talking/discussing things with others – particularly different variety of people. Maybe even of different backgrounds, religion, culture as well. Jupiter is expansive, when applied to the Mind (especially in Sagittarius) it makes a person enthusiastic, a curious learner – some of it might have to do with Mercury/Pluto conjunct, making him observant/quick to pick things up as well.

There’s potential to be good at learning languages, or guiding others. If he really puts his mind to it – this can be? hard to do since it’s scattered, but unconventional style of learning/just from experience and exposure can help a lot.

Ah and also— since Saturn is in Aries, if he learns something and put his effort into it but then discontinued it– it’s quite common? But also doing something out of spite– of someone else trying to tell him what to do would just push him to find an alternative as well skdjnjs

That makes way into Venus, Venus/Saturn square specifically. Sometimes when he wants to do something, dedicate a lot of time/effort into it he can sometimes find himself pushing, challenging, working so hard to achieve recognition for it.

His self-expression wants to be acknowledged, yet at the same time he may have an attitude of being hyper-critical and blunt with his thoughts that it tends to intimidate/come across as – well, rude sometimes if he doesn’t learn tact.

At the same time, there can be trouble expressing vulnerabilities. Deeper thoughts and care for others may be categorized as ‘vulnerabilities’ and thus– when his Capricorn Venus meets with Aries Saturn, it can make for someone who shuts down emotionally ‘Im fine’ just to get the work done y know?

It’s not that big of a deal, but sometimes they may have paranoia/think others are against them thus– their approach is always on the defensive. Defending themselves, even if they could get places if they learn how to use some more venusian tactics in their approach

Venus/Mars conjunction can make for a pretty strong personality. Particularly, Capricorn traits. With it in these placements, the individual may be someone who ‘shuts down’ when they’re mad/need to concentrate. Being quiet, often a little intense/intimidating even if they didn’t know they are. They may often offer advice, be a shoulder to cry on for others since they seem so ‘stable’ – yet at the same time, they are powerful individuals themselves

I think that’s it?? He doesn’t have as many aspect, I left out Jupiter/Saturn sextile, Jupiter/Uranus conjunct and Uranus/Neptune conjunct, but briefly – Jupiter/Saturn might amplify the earlier Capricorn traits. A little bit more Aquarian in nature as well – since his Jupiter is in Aquarius.

As an ending ment: strong intensity, may prefer the work to speak for itself, can be charming/chatty when he wants to be– but certain instances his patience may become ‘impatience’ instead. There’s moments where he knows exactly what he wants and other times where he’s just clueless to where he’s wandering. Dichotomies even if he isn’t necessarily making aspects between these placements, it’s really cool to look at this!

Alrighty, feel like this one’s kind of…. basic?? I’m trying to get into the groove of it again, but I hope this is nice enough for you💞💞

#anon #asks #kpop astrology #got7 #got7 astrology #got7 yugyeom #yugyeom #kim yugyeom #yugyeom got7 #got7 scenarios #got7 imagines #got7 reactions #yugyeom imagines #yugyeom reactions #yugyeom scenarios

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wtfzodiacsigns · 5 years

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The Signs as People I've Come To Know

Note that everyone described was born under the sign they are listed next to.

Aries: He doesn't really know fear, but when he does it's intense fear. More than anything, he is a daredevil, going from place to place and from person to person quickly and dangerously. He tells jokes until they're soiled and sour and you just wanna tell him to shut up, but you know you aren't going to because his stupid jokes that often make no sense and aren't even funny are all a part of what makes him who he is, so you can't help but laugh, and at the end of the day that's a person you find yourself always coming back for. A person you just genuinely want to be around for a long time. He can be air headed, but he protects ferociously and is endearingly kind to strangers. Inside, he never quite lost his childlike nature, something I hope he can one day embrace. I also hope he can one day understand, he is not his mistakes.

Taurus: She has a lot to say that she keeps inside, but whenever she does speak it is always soulful and insightful beyond description. It's so easy for her to get lost in her own mind, and though she doesn't care to admit it, it happens a lot that she shuts down and isolates herself. But everything is honestly better when she's around. Sometimes it's hard to convince her of that, but she has an inner and outer beauty that glows on everyone she meets. She doesn't realize other people take notice of her radiance. When she retreats, it's not uncommon for her to be quiet and not really know how to explain why she's feeling the way she is, and yet she approaches things with such an extreme level of insight and consideration. She makes everyone around her proud. Introverted as she may be, she pampers all her friends, even when they may not deserve it, and she's more brave and outspoken than I think she understands. She is one of the people who genuinely makes me happy.

Gemini: She is curious about almost anything and everything, and invests fully into things that interest her. It's actually beyond pleasant to watch her work out a task she loves working on, or talk about anything she loves in general, because her eyes light up and she has this smile on her face and you can just tell in that moment she loves being heard and she loves sharing what she's come to find wonderful with someone. I wouldn't call her quiet, at times she is, but I would first use the adjective "thoughtful" to describe her, as her mind is constantly generating new ideas. She processes and remembers information quickly and speaks about her feelings almost fluently. More than anything, I hope she knows I am always there for her. I hope she knows how much people love her. She is so kind, and a delight to be around.

Cancer: She has been through a lot. She used to walk through life with a heavy heart, but she is trying to learn how to remove the crutches and take everything as it comes. Very driven by her emotions, she experiences drastically different periods of highs and lows, but never lets anyone go to bed without knowing how much she loves them and cares about them. She has certainly been done wrong by the world, and this has led her to experience frequent trust issues and to on occasion become suspicious about other people's motives. However, this doesn't stop her from giving her all to those she loves, even if at times they may not completely deserve her help or her advice. She often settles for less than what she deserves, but I hope that she can eventually come to understand she need not settle and need not cater to people who do her wrong. She should look out for herself too, it's something she owes herself.

Leo: Though I haven't known her for very long, it's clear how influential she is and how in tune she is to other people's feelings. She seems very open to the world around her, and has no problem expressing herself without fear of what other people may think. She always does her makeup almost flawlessly, and you can tell she dresses for herself and no one else, and only worries about impressing one person, her. She is extremely loyal to those she cares about, and often talks about them as if they are wonders of the world. Even if you haven't spoken to her before, you will want to, because she gives off extremely positive and warm vibes, and publicly stands for everything and everyone she happens to believe in. She has a big personality, but a beautiful one at that, she is a true individual, and is one of the only other Leo's I've come to know, as well as one I hope to know better soon.

Virgo: She is wise beyond her years. She often works harder than most adults I've seen, although she is young in age. She always wants to make sure she has a say, but it's just as important to her that other people do, too. Other people don't always treat her as nicely as she deserves to be treated, and it's because they think they don't understand her, but in reality, they wish they had the heart and bravery that she does. She has accomplished and been through so much in such a short period of time, and she never let it taint all the love in her heart. She can be a bit anxious and scared, waking up at night after a nightmare or worrying she has not done her best, but she always gives her all, and I strongly believe there is nothing she cannot surmount or accomplish. Always willing, always eager to help. I wish I had her strength. I wish I had the beauty of her soul. I hope she someday sees how magnificent she is.

Libra: He is a character, he has always been a character dating back from the first day that we met. Everything he does and everything he says is with good intent and magnifies his already vibrant personality. Overall, he is a people's person, friends with everyone who is kind and attentive toward him. And he plans to keep it that way. He always tries to see the best in everyone. Although sometimes he cannot continue this and experiences outbursts of anger, they are usually temporary and he can move on from situations quickly. He is a marvelous friend. Creative, funny, often indirect, but always there in some form. Half the things that Come out of his mouth are jokes, but when he speaks and he's being serious, all you can hear is his heart speaking too. He's great to have around.

Scorpio: He says that he has a twisted mind, but really he's just into a lot of horror movies and has extreme reactions to otherwise small situations. I couldn't see him harming a fly, unless the fly went and did something to really piss him off. He can be a little self centered, but he is also self sufficient and just wants to make sure he himself is okay. When he starts something, it'll get done before he moves onto the next thing, and he's not really one to leave anyone with unanswered questions as he's pretty intense and direct. He's great to talk to because no silence is ever awkward, some of those silences are necessary and he knows it. He won't let things stay quiet for too long, either. One of my favorite things about him is once you've been a part of his life, he'll never forget about you. Even if you're miles and miles away.

Sagittarius: He gets extremely excited about small things, like going on a trip or hanging out with his friends and playing video games. He knows no part of life is insignificant, and that everything we go through either means something or leads to something else, but he also knows when to let go and stop worrying about things that are out of his control. Overall, he loves to have fun. He loves to laugh with his friends and share what makes him happy. When people disagree with him, he can become rather snippy, and might even resort to telling them they are flat out "wrong." He doesn't realize he's being rude, but often it just doesn't come out the way he would like because he speaks exceedingly freely. That's what he is, a free spirit. He makes decisions for himself and is not afraid of his opinions. He will share them willingly with anyone who asks and takes great pride in being who he is and leading the adventure called his life.

Capricorn: She is aware of who she is, what her limits are, and what her intentions are as well. Though sometimes she surprises others by acting the way one wouldn't have expected, she is consistently trying to take responsibility for things she know she's done wrong and does not like it when people refuse to acknowledge it when she has been acting like a fool. She holds herself accountable for many things, even when they are not exactly her fault, and she refuses to be kept in the dark for too long. When people don't like her, she wants an explanation, because she always tries to do her best and be the best version of herself she can become. It hurts her to consider that she is not doing well with that. She wants stability and security, she wants to be able to feel safe in situations, and that's all a part of what she fights for. Overall, life is a fight she does not want to lose. And one she will not allow herself to.

Aquarius: She is one of the most artistic people I've had the privilege of meeting, and decorates everywhere she goes and everything she creates with her glowingly positive vibes. She cares deeply about her friends, and however quiet she has a brilliant way of words, and is a phenomenal person to have a late night (or any time of day really) conversation with. She understands life on a deep level that not a lot of people do. Although she may not always feel comfortable completely showing her emotions, she is not afraid to be in touch with them and always knows how to nicely phrase them. I'm grateful that when I ask her what's wrong, she doesn't lie to me and she trusts me enough to talk to me about it. I know it's not always the type of thing that's easy for her. She is artistically talented in every aspect, and aims to perfect her performance in all she does. But honestly, the way she adds her own flair to all she accomplishes and makes it so original is an amazing thing to witness in itself.

Pisces: He doesn't understand the impact he can have on others. It is not uncommon for him to get so lost in his thoughts he forgets about the rest of the world, but he seemingly always finds his way back. Whenever he drifts, he will usually talk about it at one point or another, and he always has all these philosophical things to say that never cease to amaze me. His speech is always sweet and fluid, and he always sees things, both their interior and their exterior. Even though sometimes he asks silly questions, he's highly perceptive and caring. He loves having a good time, but he loves talking about life and all it entails as well, and he knows that both those things can overlap. He's one of the greatest friends I think I will ever know, and he always tries to be, even if at times he can't. I wish he came out everyday.

Source:avenge-my-ghost

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toasttz · 5 years

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How to make games: Hero Shooters

So, class, today I posit this little question to you all: Do you want to be the next Blizzard? Fuck no, you don't want to be "Don't you guys have phones?" Blizzard; you wanna be Blizzard from 5-10 years ago when they were at the height of their popularity. But that's not what I'm shooting for here. Do you want a fount of endless revenue? Do you want to do the absolute baseline minimum in terms of engine and game design to actually create a game but aren't creatively and ethically bankrupt enough to make a gacha game? Do you want to build a game whose rules, designs, and themes were just stolen from the effort of others? Do you really like Rule 34? Then it sounds to me like you want to make a Hero Shooter game! Hero shooters are easy to make on account they fundamentally have only three gameplay modes: push a payload, kill the other team, and kill the other team while standing on top of a glowing circular thing. They're also equally easy to design as they require no thematic consistency whatsoever and what little writing you'll be expected to bother with will simply be character bios, which you can keep so vague as to be virtually meaningless. There's never a 'story' in a hero shooter game and what semblance of one does exist is pretense for the non-canon aforementioned three game modes you'll be forced to build around. Best of all, the individual mechanics of each hero are easy to design - just steal them from whatever games came before. Now create about three or four maps with some different sorts of themes, but don't make them in any way mechanically varied - the most complex obstacles on any given map should be walls and maybe elevators that move at a very low speed. We're making a hero shooter, not Mario Party, dammit. If anyone asks why you are essentially just reskinning the same maps you can explain that it's to ensure that the game remains a "test of the players's skills" even though that's a bold-faced lie for the same reasons people who play Super Smash Bros as "tests of skill" are full of shit. Meta-gaming retards make games algebra homework instead of fun, but that's precisely what you'll be banking on in this genre. Once you have that, we need to get into the most important thing about hero shooters: the Heroes. Heroes in these games take one of three major roles: 1) The retard scrub DPS heroes - who will be played by the vast majority of your one-trick glory-chasing mentally-stunted community under the pretenses of being 'the most fun' and will be where the better part of your "cool" themes and motifs will be dedicated toward. These work under the key principle of "Shoot everything until it stops moving" and requires zero brainpower whatsoever. 2) The under-estimated doggedly persistent Tank heroes, played by those with either the willingness to learn something other than "Shoot bad guy with gun" or those who find pressing and holding a single button for the duration of the 10 minute match time to be the highlight of their bleak office-job lives. Though, on the other hand, some of the really cool designs will ultimately end up in this family. 3) The unsung gods among men known as the Support heroes, AKA: the ones no one will actually play. These characters will never be given cool or interesting mechanics or designs, but you'll be at liberty to make as many sexy nurse outfits as you can come up with and no one will be able to tell you otherwise. Like an ungodly amalgamation of tanks and DPS, your gameplay experience will boil down to pointing at your target and holding down the button the entire match - except unlike DPS heroes, you'll be shooting at the blue team and not the red team. Now, some might argue that there are technically other families of heroes, like flankers, zone controllers, pseudo-supports who can debuff enemies, but remember that the key to any good hero shooter is keeping everything rock-stupid. Every hero should have only enough abilities to fill a role for the left and right mouse buttons and the Q and E keys. F or R can be for reloading where applicable, but if you demand anything more of your players, you're going to lose their interest because Hero Shooters are hugboxes for sociopaths who care for nothing more than getting that sweet, sweet 5-second long "Play of the Game" replay at the match's end. This is why the character who invariably rips off Team Fortress 2's Demo Man and can kill people he doesn't have direct line of sight with will always be the most popular, without exception. I mean, sure, you can have 30 or 40 heroes, each with incredibly detailed outfits, backstories, kits, and personalities but everyone will just play the Not-Demo Man so you might as well accept that your userbase is going to be the only thing more toxic than a puffer-fish or a modern-day feminist. But I repeat myself. I don't have the time nor particular inclination to tell you exactly what you need to make but I can give you some character types that are obligatory by law to be in any hero shooter game. This will at least give you a start before you realize that being creative is hard and just steal kits from better games than your own. Call of Duty Man - The main DPS hero and usually the face of your game. Typically a grizzled war veteran man and almost exclusively an American if your game is set in the real world - remember, creativity is hard! He'll have a medium-ranged assault rifle and precisely one movement skill and one healing skill in his kit making him a jack-of-all-trades. Will either be loved or hated by your community with no room for in-betweens. Sexy Healer Lady - The main support hero who is literally just TF2's Medic reskinned and with tits. You really don't need to do anything more with her, as the fanbase will handle the rest. And the less said of that, the better. Big Knightly Dude - The main tank hero who has a big shield that, regardless of origin, will be transparent so Call of Duty Man and Not-Demo Man can fire through it while guarded. Probably wields a melee-ranged weapon even if in a modern warfare setting. By law, they can never be shorter than 6'6" (or 7200 cm. Pretty sure I did my conversion right on that). Flamethrower Guy - Literally just TF2's Pyro. Mechanic - Literally just TF2's Engineer. Sniper - Literally just TF2's Sniper. Probably also a voluptuous woman in a tight suit because creativity is fuckin' hard, man. Not-Demo Man - The cancer in your fanbase you will never nerf. Doesn't matter that he can party-wipe the enemy team single-handedly without being anywhere near them because Hero Shooter maps are literally just a set of narrow corridors so his kit is extremely OP. No, better just nerf Sexy Healer Lady again, since your DPS fanbase is pissing and moaning about her again and, this time, not in the same way a cat in heat does. Next, just make characters around elemental themes. Once you have 30 or so, you can get around to actually doing really mechanically interesting and varied heroes, since there's really only like 10-15 good FPS character ideas to begin with. So don't be surprised if you have some overlap. But by then we should hopefully have completed the next major step after the game is made: alienating your fanbase! This step is easy and requires no particular skill or coordination on your part. First, make some events seasonal, such that you have at least a major event every other month. Any more than that and your fans might actually think you're trying to be anything but another generic Korean eSport event, so be sure to space them out and have at least half of them be terrible. Valentine's Day is a good excuse to dress your female heroes sexily, summer games are a fun and not-at-all tired motif, and of course you need some kind of Christmas event. Just make sure these events only run maybe 2 weeks out of the year, have lots of stuff that you can only get during those times and, as said, that most of them are terrible and not fun at all to play. And don't -EVER- make any of them PvE, as that requires coding AI characters and effort and shit - what do you think think this is? Warframe? No, terrible gimmicky PvP events will be a good start because there is no frustration quite as severe as being told you didn't grind hard enough for: Loot boxes! Shit yeah, your hero shooter's gonna have loot boxes in them! Remember, we want maximum money for minimum effort and there's nothing like a Skinner Box within the hugbox that is the sweet dopamine high of popping a loot box open only to get common drops every time! If MMORPGs have taught us anything it's that Sub-1% drops are TOTALLY good game design and aren't at all unethical and an artificial, cheap tactic to keep people hooked on your game. This is why, in addition to the e-peen bolster that is your arbitrary profile ranking also drip-feeding a loot box upon level up that you have "Weekly Resets" for additional loot boxes. This runs on essentially the same principle as a cell phone games making you wait for additional tries to make it more a habit than a game - but that's okay! You can just rationalize it away as "it was the player's CHOICE to buy 300 loot boxes for the low, low price of 799.99 USD!" and not at all a psychological compunction found in human psychology! You're not an unethical douchebag in the slightest! And speaking of douchebags, it's time for the third and most important step in alienating your fanbase: Balancing the Game! What do I mean by that? You might think it's something like "Oh, this one character has an attack that is way too powerful and so it should be retooled in such a way that it either isn't available as-often, or maybe make its hitbox narrower to make the game more skill-based" but you're dead wrong. That requires actual effort and we all know how we feel about that. So, instead, just start an eSports team. Why? So you can listen only to the DPS players from each team and only implement THOSE changes. That way, only tanks and supports get nerfed into irrelevance and since no one in eSports is ever going to play those roles anyway, who cares? Who needs healers when you respawn to 100% after 7 seconds of dying?! Who cares if the majority of your fans hate these changes and that you end up completely destroying the kits and frameworks of their favorite heroes with needless, superfluous, unwelcomed tweaks? God-damn it, the Not-Demo Man needs to be able to wipe out an enemy team with a 3-second Time to Kill! No questions! I have a very specific vision!! Once your fanbase has been alienated - congrats! You're no longer obliged to release new heroes and levels! The responsibility of server upkeep and releasing new content twice a year are lifted! Now, just reskin the entire game top-down and release a new, better hero shooter founded on the same grounds to re-capture your fleeing audience and fleece them all over again! Now repeat ad infinitum and gain unlimited money. Congrats, you're now another Chinese game manufacturer that shits out products with no care for their fans or reputation but you get to go whaling every single day and fill your bathtub with money. You're ready to work for actual Blizzard now! You're welcome.

#satire #games #video games #hero shooters #comedy

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crackcrocs · 3 years

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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2

2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness

Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.

consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.

I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.

I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.

I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.

it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead.

I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.

I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.

I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die.

I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away.

Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.

thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.

My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present.

I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.

most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.

I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.

sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.

being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.

another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.

I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.

We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.

I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me.

sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.

I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.

I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.

I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.

I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect?

#LCZABIBU #deathwillonlybethebeginning

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buckybarnesappreciationsociety · 7 years

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“Sunshine”

Summary: Abandoning a child is cruel, leaving deep craters in the hearts remaining family members. Bucky has experienced this stinging pain all too well. Will he wallow in the past or step up and become the daddy his daughter needs.

Word Count: 1,461

Warning: Parental abandonment, Swearing

Characters: Daddy! Bucky x Victoria Paige Barnes (daughter)

OFC: Steve, Tony, Wanda, Nat, Sam, Mrs. Watkins (Nanny), Lead Sales Associate Y/N

A/N: This is my entry for Tricia’s 1k challenge. I really hope you enjoy it. Again, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Prompt: I won’t let anything hurt you ever again

Parenthood requires love, patience, stamina times infinity. But, it’s rewarding bringing a life into a sometimes cruel world, watching them grow to be their own individual. However, under difficult situations, some men or women doesn’t want the role of mother or father; leaving a gaping hole in the hearts of the child and remaining parent.

Such is the case of James Buchanan Barnes and Victoria Paige Barnes (nickname Vicki). Her mother decided when Victoria turned 1, she no longer wanted the responsibility of being a parent. So, she packed one night and walked out on her husband and baby girl, leaving a half-hearted note as to why she couldn’t be there anymore.

Bucky didn’t know what to do. Moving back into Stark Tower, everyone fell madly in love with the chubby cheeked baby with brown doe eyes and long dark brown hair like Bucky. Tony hired a live-in nanny for Victoria. The first 2 years, Bucky struggled in every imaginable sense; divorcing his wife and stripping her parental rights.

Mrs. Watkins, Vicki’s nanny, logged more hours with her than Bucky. Everyone noticed he jumped at every mission. Leaving a heartbroken toddler, crying every time he walked out of the door.

Sam or Wanda would come to Mrs. Watkins’ aid, taking Vicki to the park for ice cream.

Tony finally became enraged with the former Winter Soldier at the end of a particularly difficult mission.

“FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOU BARNES? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SCRAMBLED MIND? YOUR DAUGHTER CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP BECAUSE SHE MISSES HER DAD!!!”

Pissed by Tony’s lecture, Bucky pushed back. “YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW SHE MISSES ME?? HELL, I MISS HER!!!!

“THEN WON’T YOU SPEND TIME WITH HER? SHE THINKS MRS. WATKINS IS HER MOTHER!! IF YOU DON’T STEP UP, I’LL HAVE CUSTODY OF HER BY SUNRISE. AT LEAST I’LL GIVE HER THE LOVE SHE NEEDS.”

Bucky charged at Tony. Steve stepped in, pushing his best friend back.

“SHE’S MINE STARK!!! DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HER…...SHE’S MINE MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

Nat added, “If she’s yours Barnes, you need to be the father she needs. Her mom already abandoned her; you’re doing the same thing.”

Nat and Tony exited the quinjet in a huff. Steve stayed behind. “I’m disappointed in ya Buck.”

Grabbing his duffle bag, the dismayed super soldier left his best friend sitting alone in the jet.

Bucky shuffled from the quinjet, head hanging down. Hearing whimpering from the nursery, he checked on Vicki. Soon as he smiled, she held her arms up for a hug. Mrs. Watkins tying her robe, heard a sweet lullaby through the baby monitor.

♫♪♫You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You’ll never know dear how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away♫♪♫

Vicki’s smile melted Bucky’s heart. “Dada, dada!!”

“Hey my angel. I’ve missed you so much. Please forgive me for being so stupid. I’m here now and I ain’t going away.”

Laying her head on Bucky’s chest, Vicki dozed off, sucking her thumb. For the rest of the night, Vicki slept on her ‘dada’ chest.

After talking with Nick Fury, Bucky quit field work, dedicating his time to his baby girl. Mrs. Watkins remained Victoria’s nanny until she was 4 years old, coming when needed.

Now 5 years old, Vicki prepared for kindergarten (Tony vetted staff, security personnel and cafeteria employees).

She could not contain her excitement. On the other hand, Bucky didn’t want to let go. Nat and Tony pulled him from the classroom. Once outside, Bucky shed crocodile tear.

Oh yes, Nat sent the video to EVERYONE’S phone!!!

At noon, Bucky broke a ton of traffic laws picking Vicki up. In the classroom, she played with a cute little girl on the alphabet carpet. Bucky came into view and Vicki couldn’t contain her excitement.

“Guess what daddy? I made friends today. That’s Alicia and Paulie. He’s my boyfriend.”

Choking, Bucky tried to speak. “Boyfriend??!!! No sweetie, you’re too young.”

Folding her little arm, Vicki answered, ‘Yes he is. He’s a boy and he’s my friend.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Bucky wiped his sweaty brow with the back of his hand. Vicki jumped in her car seat, rattling off her first day adventures.

Skipping from the elevator, Vicki greeted Nat, Wanda, Sam, Thor, and Tony.

‘The fair maiden Victoria. How fair your first day of school?” Thor hoisted her in his arms.

“Uncle Thor, you talk funny.” Thor’s thunderous laugh shook the room.

“So, Vicki, how was your first day of kindergarten?” Nat stooped to eye level.

Opening the refrigerator for a juice box, Vicki nonchalantly mentioned, “Well, we colored, wrote our ABC’s, ate lunch and my boyfriend’s name is Paulie.”

Tony gasped, dropping his glass; Sam spit soda everywhere; Wanda stopped cooking.

Sensing tension, Bucky asked Vicki to explain her ‘boyfriend.’

“His name is Paulie. He’s a boy and my friend.” Grabbing her backpack, Vicki pulled Bucky’s hand. “C’mon daddy. I’ve got homework.”

“Coming pooh bear. Duty calls. See ya later.”

Homework, dinner and bath time were uneventful. Vicki said her prayers and dozed off.

Most nights, Bucky averaged about 5 hours sleep. This wasn’t one of those times. Staring at the ceiling, his bedroom door opened. Reaching in his nightstand, Bucky prepared for battle.

Rubbing her eyes, Vicki hopped on her daddy’s bed. “Hey sweetheart what are you doing up? Bad dream?”

“No bad dream.” Tilting her head to the side, Victoria asked the one question Bucky didn’t want to answer. “Daddy, why did mommy leave? She hated me?”

Vicki crawled onto Bucky’s lap. “Sweetheart, mommy left because she didn’t wanna be here. She loved you though.”

“If she loved me, she’d still be here. Daddy, my heart hurts.” Victoria buried her head in Bucky’s chest.

Bile rose in Bucky’s throat. Why did you leave?. “Vicki, I know it hurts now, but I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.” Kissing the top of her head, Bucky wiped tears from her brown doe eyes.

Through her hiccups, “Daddy, you’re a hero because you won’t hurt my heart.”

“No dove, I won’t hurt your heart.” The usually stoic super soldier cried along with his daughter.

Surrounded by Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, she would never be alone again.

Vicki’s 6th birthday rapidly approached. Her only request; an American Girl doll. With Bucky’s guidance, she created the perfect doll, Missy.

Bucky didn’t know what to expect once inside the store. Vicki dropped his hand, running towards a ton of outfits, accessories and pets for Missy. Already self-conscious about his metal hand, Bucky retreated to a seat in the corner.

An observant Salesperson, Y/N noticed how uncomfortable Bucky appeared, came to his rescue.

“Excuse me sir. Is this your first time in here?” Y/N’s smile lit up the room.

Doing a double take, Bucky’s mouth went dry and he stumbled over his words. “Um y-yeah. Is it that obvious?”

Y/N giggled. Bucky thought he heard angels singing. “You have that ‘deer in headlights’ gaze. Which little one is yours?”

“The little lady with brown hair, striped leggings and purple tutu.”

“Well, I will certainly say she’s quite creative with her dress. It’s really cute.”

Bucky waved his excited daughter over. Y/N politely asked her name. “I’m Victoria Paige Barnes. You’re very pretty. Are you married?” Vicki’s rather ‘forward’ attitude turned Bucky’s face beet red.

Blushing, Y/N replied ‘no’. Bucky’s smile reached his eyes. “I’m so sorry. Victoria’s pretty straightforward.”

“It’s alright, I’m not upset. By the way, may I ask your name?”

“My name? Yeah, uh my name is James but everyone call me Bucky.”

“Nice to meet you Bucky and Victoria. I’ll be just a minute. Missy’s in back.” Y/N strolled to the back, feeling eyes burning a hole in the back of her head.

Jumping on her toes, Vicki’s arms flailed when Y/N returned with Missy in her arms.

“Daddy daddy….it’s Missy!!!!” Bucky beamed. Victoria’s excitement warmed his heart.

Holding Vicki’s hand, Y/N showed her all different outfits and accessories.

Tugging her smock, Victoria whispered in Y/N’s ear. “My daddy’s not married either.”

For the first time in forever, Bucky’s smile reached his eyes. Y/N was a breath of fresh air.

Victoria and Y/N fashionistas extraordinaire, matched pants, shirts and shoes for Missy,

Lost in thought, Bucky daydreamed of taking Y/N out for coffee. Ever determined to make it reality, Bucky summoned courage from somewhere and asked her out.

Who says the sun won’t shine in the midst of chaos?

A/N: I’m seriously thinking about Part 2. I’d love to expand on Bucky and Y/N’s budding “relationship.”

@tilltheendwilliwrite @omalleysgirl22 @rebelslicious @pegasusdragontiger @magellan-88 @shy2shot @theimpossibleg1rl @love2rhyme @sgtjamesbuchananbarnes107th @supersoldierslover @promarvelfangirl @caplansteverogers @irene-rogue-adler

#tricia's1kchallenge #bucky x daughter #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #writing challenge #daddy bucky

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zayntoxicateme · 7 years

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After the overwhelming success of his debut solo album, all eyes are on VMAN38 cover star Zayn Malik as he readies to release his follow-up. If you think the attention might have gotten to him, think again: music's most in-demand superstar may also be its most humble.

August 16, 2017 Over the week leading up to my interview with the elusive Zayn Malik, much of my time is spent reading up on the endless list of articles that paint him as the bad boy who broke millions of teenage hearts after leaving One Direction. While it would be a much easier story to tell you that Zayn fulfilled every post-Destiny’s Child Beyoncé, rogue boy bander stereotype imaginable, that wouldn’t be honest. The truth is that Zayn Malik is not a "bad boy" at all. In fact, he might be the furthest thing from it.

When we connect, it hardly registers that the person I’m speaking with is a celebrity—let alone one that has accrued 23 million Instagram followers, over one billion streams on his critically acclaimed debut album, an estimated net worth of $45 million, and the world’s most in-demand supermodel as a girlfriend. (Not to mention that his name literally translates to “beautiful king.”) He speaks with ease, offering the types of down-to-earth insight that I would hardly expect from someone who has been known to cancel arena-size shows due to anxiety. When we converse, I begin to understand that this is because I’m not speaking to Zayn, the ultra-famous boy who left One Direction—a fictionalized character and narrative that’s as publically manufactured as the now-dismantled band itself—but rather Zayn, the artist and individual.

“I hope people get an insight to me as a person, because I’m not the most open book in terms of my personal life. I hope people get an understanding of where I’m coming from or what I’m thinking and what I’m going through, and feel closer to me through that,” he offers earnestly when I ask him what motivates his work. “I just want my music to speak for me, and if it does that successfully, then I’m happy with what I achieve.”

Zayn’s first solo album, Mind of Mine, was heralded as his musical declaration of independence, and that understanding colored the ways in which it was discussed. The album was a commercial success and positively received, but the overwhelming majority of what was written about him in that time period failed to focus on the album’s innovative sonic qualities—of which there were many, most notably the way it blended so many musical genres. Instead, many chose to endlessly dissect what it symbolized. One recurring narrative saw critics interpreting the record’s unabashed sexual overtones as a statement that Zayn was no longer a boy in the eyes of popular culture.

“I don’t think it was necessarily that experience that made me a man,” he reflects. “I was becoming a man at that time anyway, and that experience was a validation of my decision-making at that time. Maybe I became a bit more in the driver’s seat—a bit more in control—and that was the first decision I made that reflected that in my life. I think it was a natural growth as a human being and as a person. I feel like I’m still growing every day, as everybody is. I don’t know everything and I’m willing to learn, so I believe everything is a natural progression.”

Zayn seems to acknowledge that Mind of Mine was a testing of the waters. When speaking about his forthcoming sophomore album, this becomes clear: “I feel like my songwriting definitely developed, just because I’ve been doing it so much. I feel like the songs are a bit more organized, where I felt like, before, that Mind of Mine was a brainstorm. That’s why I called it Mind of Mine, because it was ideas that I had that I put out. This one is more thought out. I had more time to process everything and go through it all. It’s an evolution.”

According to him, this evolution means building on the hybridized pop-R&B-soul sound he introduced on the first album, which he accomplished with the continued help of sonic wizard Malay (the same Grammy-winning producer responsible for large parts of Frank Ocean’s two albums). “There’s a couple of songs on the record that I’ve done with Malay that for me, personally, I’m really proud of,” Zayn says. “Just in the sense that I feel like they’re real songs. And I don’t mean to say that to discredit the songs that are out on the charts at the moment. I just feel like there’s something really classic about some of the music that we’ve done together, and for that reason, I’m really proud of some of the songs that are going to come out. I feel like it really shows me as a songwriter and a vocalist.”

He also hints that the new record will see him experimenting with hip hop, thanks to a few featured guest artists whom he’s wary to name so early on (the album isn’t due until later this year). A popular Internet theory is that Nicki Minaj will be one of them. Given his collaboration with Taylor Swift on the smash hit “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” at the beginning of this year, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he would bring in more heavy-hitters to assist.

This blending of musical genres will also see further homages paid to his ancestry. When speaking about “Intermission: Flower,” a beautiful track off Mind of Mine sung in Urdu—the language of Zayn’s Pakistani father—he says that he was touched by the overwhelmingly positive response to the song and that we can indeed expect to see more music drawing on his heritage: “I definitely focused on that for a couple of songs on this record that got this same underlying tone of India and the place that my grandparents originally came from. There’s definitely influences of that in there. Hopefully people like it this time around, as well.”

In his creative process, Zayn doesn’t limit himself to any strict methodology: “I can hear something in the moment and then record on the mic. Sometimes, it might not be a lyric or it might be a sound. I’ll come back to it later,” he explains. “Or sometimes, I’ll have an entire song written on my phone and I won’t know what the melody is yet or how I’m going to sing it, but I know what I want to say.” He clarifies, “I go into the studio with that already written and I’ll try to fit lyrics into a melody. I do it both ways, depending on what I feel is good to do on that beat.”

If he’s feeling any pressure regarding his sophomore release, it doesn’t come through—nor does any desire to fulfill anyone’s expectations of him. When we begin to talk about the various narratives that have dogged him throughout his career—including “the mysterious one,” as he was dubbed in 1D—he shrugs it off: “For me, personally, I don’t ever try to dwell so deep on labels and boxes and places that people want to put you. I believe that we as individuals are in charge of the way people perceive us. There are negative and positive sides to every human on this planet. That’s the way it is. You just have to accept that. If I were to overthink that, it would affect me.”

One such label that Zayn must frequently deal with when it comes to the media is his status as the most widely known Muslim in the western world. But again, he tries to let this roll off of him, demonstrating a healthy boundary with the public. “My faith is between me and God, and whatever that God is, that’s between me and them,” he maintains. “That’s where I draw the line: the specifics. I am a spiritual person and I do believe that everything happens for a reason, so I do have faith in something. I just don’t wish to specify what that is. I don’t want anybody to feel like I’m trying to dictate or wave my opinion on anything. I’m just doing what I’m doing. My religion, or whatever that is, is between me and God, and that’s just how I want to keep it.”

This same struggle to embody certain prescribed ideals and ideologies is also what Zayn cites as the root of his anxiety, which is now largely behind him thanks to an enlightened, almost Zen disposition. “When people don’t always fit that grain, it’s very confusing for the public eye that’s watching because they don’t understand the full ins-and-outs of every emotion that that individual is going through,” he offers. “I think the anxiety comes from the frustration of not being able to explain that to people. Since I explained that I have anxiety, I’ve diminished it because I dealt with what was giving me anxiety: feeling the need to uphold all of these fucking pressures and these things that people want from you. Once you let that go, the anxiety diminishes. It doesn’t really exist anymore because you only care about what it is that you want to give to people. Whether they perceive that in the right or wrong way is ultimately not your choice. It’s out of your control. You can’t always control it, and you just accept that. With that goes the anxiety. Anxiety comes from not being able to control every aspect.”

In a culture that still has a stigma surrounding issues relating to mental health, Zayn’s openness about his anxiety is a sign of bravery that shouldn’t be minimized or overlooked. It’s the hot-button issue for Generation Z, among whom anxiety and depression are on the rise according to recent studies and surveys conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. One cultural mechanism Zayn cites as a contributing factor to his generation’s collective anxiety is social media: “It’s become ridiculous to me. Even angles of pictures can’t be taken a certain way because that’s not the cool way to take an angle of a picture. Everyone’s personal opinions and what they believe in, how can you amalgamate all of that into one thing and expect that not to create a problem for people’s minds? That’s my personal opinion, [that] it’s not really that developing for us as people. That for me is the main reason why I don’t believe in [social media]: because I believe it breeds sheep and not lions.” (Zayn himself largely reserves social media use for interacting with fans about his music.)

When you ask an artist what they would be doing if they weren’t creating music, you often get a passionate answer akin to “I was only ever going to do music,” but this is not the case with Zayn. After being presented with a question about what his life might have looked like had he not shown up for his fateful X Factor audition, he takes a moment to contemplate. “I think about that quite a lot. I think about alternative realities. I think I’d be at university and I would have done my English degree. I think I’d be looking for some employment to do with English lecturing or literature. I love poetry and writing—obviously, I’m a songwriter—so, it would’ve been something that would still give me the feeling of a creative outlet within my writing.” It’s an alternative that seems unimaginable to his audience of millions, but to Zayn, it’s entirely plausible.

Of course, even in this reality, music isn’t Zayn’s only creative venture. In 2016, he published Zayn, a photographic autobiography of his life post-One Direction. If Mind of Mine is to be read as the musical insight into how his brain operates, Zayn is the visual companion. Earlier this summer, he dropped a highly anticipated capsule collection designed in collaboration with Donatella Versace for the brand’s Versus line. If you had told him that this was to be in his future a year earlier, though, he would have humbly insisted that you must be lying. “I had no idea that Donatella even knew I existed,” he gushes excitedly. “Then, she started to make a few outfits for me, and a few looks for performances and red carpets. I built a relationship there. She mentioned to me that she wanted me to be involved creatively and asked me to draw some ideas and we had a couple of meetings. I sent her some stuff and she liked it, and we went from there. It’s crazy. I’m honored to be involved, and it’s been a really fun experience.” The chance to collaborate with Donatella Versace is an experience that hardcore fashion devotees would dedicate their lives to having, a fact that is not lost on Zayn, who seems awed by being offered yet another creative outlet by a world that’s embraced him to such an unfathomable degree.

Zayn Malik does not come across as a celebrity because celebrity is, essentially, a distraction to making music. When I ask him if he has any personal philosophies that help him stay grounded, his response strikes a note that reveals him to be both the average 24-year-old and the wise-beyond-his-years artist I’ve come to know in our brief exchange: “Don’t take things too seriously and always try to have a laugh. I think that’s the main point in life. We have such limited time, and the main thing that we have to do is have as much fun as we can. That’s my main mantra that I try to live by.”

#zayn #magazine interview #interview #Z2 #zquad #zolo #I'm so fucking excited about Z2 I can't even stand it

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