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crackcrocs · 2 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #12
titled: HONORA CHING
‘calm down you’re acting crazy’
maybe true
but tell me do
you really have the cue ?
to- tell me any ting
when you heavy use..
I get you’re going thru ya glazes
you deserve to have a purpose
I know the icebergs deeper than what really meets the surface,
was only trynna remind you that you are worth It.
when I don’t feel heard sound goes cursive
you will find, didn’t raise my voice
don’t flip it on me saying I’m making noise
skip the toying with emotions
a true pal won’t let you slip, that’s devotion
certain crowds will only b around 2 b boasting
my conversations really run deeper than a dirt pit
6 foot peak, left ya girl got sum girth dick
I hope it was worth it
I’m not perfect but I’m reaffirming
would never use or abuse you, just confirming
are these folk helping you grow, you learning ?
are you trying to fill a void, you yearning ?
don’t want to wait too long to see you turning
but the house will crumble down, if you keep burning.
not in control of that
Situation was mad.
why do I even care ? It’s cos you do deserve it
‘I have a life too’
that sentence made me blue
why did you
tell me to
come spend time, smoke a zoot
all for you,
jus to close up, now I feel misused.
you can’t keep using guys,
company does satisfy
but loneliness will make you cry
be comfy with your soul at night.
friends hold each others hand
but I won’t force it or demand
don’t need to go club and get banned
let’s talk put our feet in the sand.
too many fakes don’t understand.
don’t need a selfie for the gram
I’d dry your eyes & sing to ya favourite jam.
I get it sometimes tings go unplanned
too many thoughts, I get why ya expression is bland.
overthinking brain busy like a sardine can.
Jus know my belief in you is grand.
wish I could dead your problems wi a magic wand.
it’s all said n done so I’m finished
head up, always here won’t diminish
you - cos you aren’t bad
know you jus wanna numb the sad
thoughts
but express before your life’s the cost
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crackcrocs · 2 years
Text
DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #11
Culminated Epitome.
MANIA
It had not dawned upon me, ultimately up until the very recent weeks, how much I was scared of the outside world.
not the whole wide world..
the high society, retrospectively..
historical symbolism, standing for anything… feeling like I even have the place to really do so in the first place, feeling like I cannot stand for things not because the law says I’m not allowed, rather because the order of things is so profoundly messed up…
words, language, terminology used in our every day context when conversing amongst one another, sharing thoughts.
sometimes, I just knew it would take me so long to get to finally reaching a point- any point I try to make, because I believe I’m never truly trying to conclude, or round things up or summarise, I like short & sweet but I like enlarged & verbose too y’know.
Big ideas, even bigger dreams.
like, how the hell, am I supposed to talk less? lessen my tone, (or to come more correctly) lower my tone, I can make sense of that- respecting the environment, those around us, neighbours, the sleeping. I can totally understand that. but cut my self short, to have good times just for a laugh ?
at times it is as though I am all out of laughs.
There’s nothing sad about it, so please don’t fret. it just is what it is, & that’s okay! okay?
my sense of humour perhaps, just has a more acquired taste these days.
still random, still wacky, still goofy, still rooted in cringey depressive vibes. but hey the beauty of humour is it’s subjective right?
I won’t object to that. I’ll just say I’m a bit more focused on what I’m willing to plate first these days, mainly because I had so much on my plate before so I’m still in the process of clearing.
information is like food.
-the things we consume become a bigger part of us than we may think.
sometimes, I don’t have an interest whatsoever in entertaining non sensical stuff. it’s not even about it being stupid, I like silly best believe i am the goofiest of them all- but I don’t enjoy or care for non sensical, it’s about it being pointless & sometimes I believe things to be.
I believe underneath many people are insensitive and inconsiderate beyond imaginable.
Who gives a damn about consideration eh? It's the age of laughs and attention, put your emotions on hold if you have any left.
The time is now: to seek out unhealthy approval and validation. Time to not actually do anything influencial, just play that role.
Time to Trend. It's always been time to trend.
I never got why feeding the arrogant, false & pretentious ego was a thing.
Dominion Ascends.
Suffering on- we keep Swaying Slowly yet Swiftly through the Seasons, in Search of Silence.
Supremacy Pretends.
To be power.
Distribution dividends.
I'm sour.
Swimming or Showering to wash away our Salty feelings.
Souls Saturating, seeking Salvation.
Save me from Snakes.
No time for Salt, only Saxa(phones)
Take all of this with a pinch of Salt.
Singing Stale Songs, English hieroglyph or Welsh whale braile.
shopping carts, bullseye darts, beating hearts, l'escargot a snail trail.
stuck - like Satellite Statues stoned in a spiritless state.
I find it a shame that we have to laugh at others to feel happy, because we struggle to produce that happiness ourselves.
Nothing beats laughing together. Pure infectious contagion at its finest.
there’s so many things with a real point to them, that I’ve found to be more enjoyable. now; don’t get me wrong, of course I enjoy the whole rest & ready to go easement & consolation.
Instant assuagement.
but there is more than just recreational hindrance.
I prefer to sort & make sense of what ive really decided to make matter to me, purely because of continuous relevancy. without paying attention to that first, I can’t even enjoy properly, it’s like this weird attachment to truth and freedom, only it’s not so weird because desiring veracity & sincere certitude is only natural.
it is not controversial to believe justice is right, and to recognise that people and the law is unfair, far deeper than we seem to know.
I need to know, I need to feel safe, I can’t risk too much doubt because feeling unsafe leads to feeling paranoid, which is just pure scary. it’s just me feeling overly anxious- uncontrollable.
and all mainly because I feel doubt towards power structures and unsafe in the world, so that is the loop that leaves me feeling outcasted.
because I simply cannot stop myself from thinking, from thinking so much to the point I feel like bashing my head against a wall several times a day or a week, or using a scalpel to remove my brain & pouring it in acid. (sorry for the graphics, it’s just a feeling I get)
I get that it’s fun, the world is supposed to be fun, but it’s not all fun because it’s all games, which we're meant to play without knowing the rules fully.
we're supposed to feel comfortable gambling our lives away? feels like a scam to me.
I never said I don’t enjoy much of the mind numbing content circulating round the internet, it’s just sometimes I’m looking maybe for a darker type of humour.
The type that really hits the spot… you know.. that G spot, not the one downstairs the one upstairs, the one within your little eye.
the spot in the deepest darkest corners of my Gnosis. where I go Hip Hip, Hooray!
(Hip, Gnosis I hope you see what I did there)
when I know and understand the humour at its core it causes me to react more, thus it having a true effect on me.
everything is looking to make us react now a days tho, but we have to ask if everything is looking to make us feel, specifically positive.
maybe I just like more down to earth because that’s where I’m at, and that’s kinda how I’ve always been, what I’ve always been looking for, I dunno..
more polemically pragmatic perhaps..
I don’t know, how to pretend to be happy anymore, I know how to act okay but that’s about as far as I go.
Now my issue is being.. I got so used to pretending to be happy that I never learned how to show up or show myself upset or angry, which was a lot of the time.
I know how to be alone, I got used to that lonely feeling from a young age, so being secretive and keeping myself to myself was never the problem, it’s that I was functioning problematically, I didn’t mean to be destructive and disruptive but I managed to do just that, because I knew no other way, I had to make mistakes to learn first hand. Because the hands that held me first were the same hands that beat me.
It’s as though Punch & Judy strings aren’t holding up my smile any longer, my sense of humour has taken a darker turn.
I’m still a funny fucker, just I can no longer be taken for a joke.
I’m still playful and fun, I’m just not here to fool around, I’ll take the piss sometimes- but respectively, I won’t take the piss out of things- on a level that will be so detrimental (not that I can say I ever did).
I intend to truly have a good time because I am able to determine what I may encounter, by having a better mental judgement before choosing to place myself in environments where I will essentially enjoy, or may be faced with negative or fake energy. I revoke myself from all of this.
I aim to have more meaningful encounters.
I intend to have a good time because I know the folk I’m around will allow it, because they have created that comfort so there is room and there is space to be silly, to be goofy, to be wacky, to be chatty, and ultimately to be able to embrace each other still, even in silence- comfortably, with no feelings of awkwardness or saltiness in the air.
I’ll lack the ability to truly give myself credit where it’s due, *pat yourself on the back always tho* as a matter of fact, I doubt myself quite a lot, hardly even believe in myself, I didn't want to acknowledge myself for a long long time, because I still can’t believe a lot of what has actually happened to me.
things still feel like they’re happening and I feel foolish for not being able to control the visuals even if I just put my mind to something or try distract it. It doesn’t work like that.
Inside I am still a child, but I am not childish.
even when I was youthful, and naive, i was not as inane as some of the immaturity I was surrounded by.
hardship is the hardest ship to breeze though.
who wants to sail with? who will I let tag along?
I remain more critical than noticeably kind toward myself.
like a mother’s tough love.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3
3. Transformation Central
the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:
‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’
sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.
SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.
{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}
~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.
here goes:
What is this part of my mind ?
If you want; delve inside-
I may look sweet like Alice,
but underneath it all
I deteste looking in the mirror
-cos I see the mad hatter.
my inner child needs a platter-
full of care not distortion & abuse pls.
less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.
now following the dead fish in the stream!
HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?
I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.
dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.
alone.
thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.
I sat and watched them grow.
In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)
and still they make me feel like the alien-
I cant take it.
Make it make sense ?
I can’t.
controller in my hand-
Off balance stance.  
anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.
where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?
the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!
change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.
catch me sun gazing by the sea
head buzzin like a bee.
speaking from a dusty box
stuck on top of a forbidden shelf
cos I dunno how else.
I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive
How can i visualise? scenery foggy-
the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD
inner monk burning but at peace
Cos I refuse to believe
If the only way is the American dream
Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!
down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door
subcategories & divisions, it’s more!
than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built
do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?
will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?
well obviously not.
does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?
LABOUR YAY!
but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.
sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.
or maybe i’m enlightened-
Standing at the edge of the porch;
watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.
questioning eVERYTHING man made!
I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame
I can see the coal pollute the sky
I need to hop on the train-
but I’m comfortable
Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.
what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?
I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.
Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.
TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,
with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.
thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks
& building a kingdom of bliss.
guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.
might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.
I observe, cruisin in the sky.
dunno why..
I jus look @ the hills.
Only time & history reveals.
no thanks mr men-
I don’t want your prescription pills.
there’s enough propaganda as it is.
I won’t jump on the merry go round-
til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!
I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.
oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!
guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...
it’s not thrilling
system  time killing everything-
mother nature’s oxygen
everything is nauseating
clock ticking, I better start creating.
they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.
If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.
Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.
they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.
In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.
More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.
zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!
Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.
we’ll be okay just hush.
Same Shan message told to every generational seed.
If we don’t TRY overpower-
we’ll never succeed!
it’s getting even more scary.
Artificial intelligence.
Societal negligence..
my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?
finger painting, cos it makes more sense.
struggling to blend.
borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;
moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.
who made the chalk? who set the lanes?
I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.
I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,
Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.
hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.
Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush
Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!
Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?
I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.
time is running out & ill go when I go.
I’m sitting inside the fly trap -
stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.
deep emotion is a curse.
still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-
flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.
I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.
Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise
-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.
sadomasochistic, messes.
but oblivion, seems like less stress.
Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes
empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.
Punching truth into the core of your chest!
It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..
My limbs are numb
& im done playing octopus alchemy.
I want minimalism & life can be simple,
Evil entities have made it hard.
Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.
But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,
I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.
I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-
Outside looking in, digesting confusion.
Is to be a product of environment a sin?
rummage through my messy brain.
personalities sardine packed in this tin
I’m the wizard of my mania
Scaring & attracting the black crows-
they’re my friends.
Sometimes still a cowardly lion
Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.
will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest
In to the cake i’m baking?
Probably not.
Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.
gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.
sometimes I stay in line
Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.
but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.
we all have a pace
I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.
It’s unfair!
Humanity does anyone care ??
Half lady
half fairy
Good  MOOrning-
from my anagrams.
no I’m not a cow.
twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-
form of expression this time around lyrics.
feel I’m jus a silly rubix
& still mourning
I don’t like dairy
pass the oat milk.
Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?
we want peace!
the powerful elite-
perceive & deceive
the scene they want us to be.
chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-
every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.
evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.
working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.
It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?
Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!
it’s pure scary.
Pharmaceutics handshake.
with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.
I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk
If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.
why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.
every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.
I want real fruit, what next-
a seedless peach ???
what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?
layers & levels to the shit.
Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.
sponge soaked soaking up emotions
Suffocated by deduction of care in life
feel entrapped in this paradigm
what am I thinking ?
got the verbs & a cuppa tea
It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.
I’d rather be awake than asleep
When I get too comfy I feel weak
Demons they reap
underneath
rip the seems as I bleed
Concrete
Solid
Emotions
Is all you’re getting
It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting
people need care we seem to be forgetting
why are we in debt wit
a posse of clowns
pay the price so we can get a frown
here’s some seratonin
quit ya moaning
life is all sound
aw yeh¿  if you’re not an over thinker!
product of environment- Sirius flickers
theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca
now here’s your gold sticker..
for managing to co operate.
In this world fuelled off of evil n hate
waking ups a bloody disgrace
I am not amazed.
Man I love my fam n my friends
Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend
sometimes I feel insane
but I’m calm
need to escape so I don’t do harm
Gold lioness in the sky by the sea
with puff the magic dragon
fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe
I will shine bright
Promise imma be alright
even tho I’m not sure why
I function like this
I wanna be myself
It’s just hard to find the comfortability
To feel happy and pretty
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Ring around sing about overdose emotions
Sorry dunno how to communicate
Heads in a constant debate
Should I go or should I stay
My head clashes
Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1
1. The backbone to my emotions
As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.
I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.
Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.
I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.
I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.
I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.
Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.
I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.
Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.
I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.
I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.
I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.
With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.
I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.
I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.
My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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WHEN IT’S SUNNY MY SOUL SMILES TERRACOTTA ORANGE
Though we do sponge from our external environment, in order to change internally, our values and beliefs should be individualistic with cooperative and understanding qualities for when need be. If our personality is false, then a build up of false energy will always be negative. we need to nurture ourselves and others too, be spontaneous with our talents and support other peoples interests too, that way we all vibrate a higher energy that is more true and harmonious.
we have a right to appreciate our uniqueness, as the one thing we absolutely cannot fail at -is being ourselves.
we must be mindful of the language we use in our every day life towards one another and appreciate and embrace each others differences whilst challenging unethical and ignorant mindsets in order to inspire a more true attitude to permeate through all sub cultures.
This way we can make more unified decisions for the betterment of everyone, the conclusion will be an apeiron safe space for our generations to be able to create memories without fear. Toxic thinking needs to stop!!
-LCZABIBU
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9
This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.
(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)
Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.
Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.
Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.
Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.
Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.
All of this rings so true.
They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.
You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.
In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.
I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself.  The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.
- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.
I feel your claws sinking in less and less.  You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.
This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.
I wonder how you feel...  but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.
No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child
When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself  I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...
my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.
Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.
What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.
I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.
relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.
through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation,  problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.
The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.
All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.
It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.
All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.
But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.
my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.
I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.
People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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not a conspiracy theorist but a research analyst and free thinker. Also not anti-vax but pro-safe vax & anti-mass extermination!!! read that again.
LCZABIBU
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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The universe sometimes puts people into traumatic situations at the beginning of the time they're due to serve on this planet. Essentially this humbles us as victims and enables our brains to be wired on a wavelength not many are able to understand. We empaths & introverts hold an unmatched form of strength. The universe has selected it's few, it knew if certain strong minded individuals knew they held so much power from the start it would make them look down on others. We can be the backbone for generational growth, inspiration and ignite creative change through being tuned in.
LCZABIBU
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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the world is absolutely bonkers, i believe i am here to enlighten and encourage others to express their findings and beliefs on their journeys. I am not a conspiracy theorist, i'm a research analyst and free thinker. not here to spread mis-information or impose my views to convert anyone, however until you've done your own research & drawn your own conclusion based off what you believe- don't tell me my gut is wrong for doubting what we've been conditioned to believe.
LCZABIBU
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #8
8. Survighter!
Seeming like a strong person but really having awful mental health on top of being a survivor & a fighter is embarrassing as fuck I can’t lie. Yeah mental health & trauma are factors as to why I am the way I am. I’m trying to reconstruct & upgrade myself man but in order to fully move forward I need to deconstruct. 
I feel like when you break your hand or something & get a cast everyone comes to sign it & feels all sympathetic, when it’s mental health cos you can’t see it- in the past when I’ve deeply opened up about it people run the other way & don’t even actually care or apply empathy let alone sympathy (which I hate) they don’t try imagine how deep routed the pain is. ‘It’s all in your head’ EXACTLY that is the problem, being @ war with your own thoughts & being unable to switch the thoughts off every second of the day is not a hobby/
I’m not putting my good people in the same boat as those ass holes, sometimes I genuinely just don’t. know. how..?
coupled with other things, Borderline Personality Disorder is fucking horrible to live with. BPD affects how I function in every aspect of my life & trying to be ‘normal’ takes everything in me.
women wit BPD usually get misdiagnosed because they endure & suppress their feelings to an excruciating length. sometimes I feel so different & my head functions & interests feel so far out there to me I wonder if I’m autistic. I also don’t care bout labels as I feel they don’t define me. but it helps me knowing what I have and gaining knowledge on how to manage it not just survive n feel like I’m coping.
As of now it’s the BPD that drives me nuts; it’s like bipolar but on steroids if uno any people who suffer from that. I don’t expect all my friends to educate themselves on how horrible this mental illness is but I let it be known.
replying can feel like such an effort when stressed even if it’s people I love. I think it’s a thing of not wanting to only communicate stress to people, like not wanting to add to their worries even knowing they could potentially help n a conversation with them is deft going be beneficial; but also physically Feeling unable to communicate cos we are a generation of lost connections.
I guess in the past year n more so since lock down I’ve come to some understanding on how I function or I’m @ least trying & don’t have anything shitty holding me back from my progress or keeping me in a selfish captive, further adding to the trauma Pie.
I’ve been thrown a bit overboard since Tai passing & I’ll say it again & again until I can say the words ‘I feel stable again’ with chest. Thankfully I have regained a segment of strength to keep going whatever does happen, in comparison to the first 2 weeks of finding out which was hell.
I guess I just wish everyone around me like my fam n that n even society were as open & questioned themselves on a similar level. I’m not saying I’m a know it all- but there is a power in knowing & truly expressing oneself.
Sometimes I feel conversations can be so superficial / limited but then I have amazing people around me n I’m like Damn I couldn’t have scored a bunch of m8’s like this if I was an uncool idiot
i care more about the people around me than I do myself, even if I don’t express that, it’s because I look @ me & all my friends as equals, & sometimes I equally deserve to recharge my energy positively in the way that I put out positive energy to my friends when I do see them. I am just every weary & cautious because I have or had too much love n heart n I would die twice if I let myself get stepped on ever again. the people around me inspire me & keep me going in a way that I could never put into words how thankful I am. so I’m sorry if it feels that I don’t care or I am faking shit n stringing people along due to my lack of consistency in which in turn makes me seem like an absolute dick when luv is all we all need m8
10% of BPD individuals will die by suicide & i don’t want to prove that statistic to be right.. I don’t wanna join the 10% but like it’s not like I’m like this for fun??! it’s shitty when one of the dumb voices in my head tells me everyday that I’m a replaceable waste of space n would be better off dead. I hold myself back. It’s me vs me. escape / isolation is what I be on when I be deeping life because it feels like I’ll just suck the life out of everything for everyone. It isn’t your fault or any of my mates or family, I’m not just going to ask folk to be my doctor or therapist, I can just ask you to understand & I’m a person with A LOT of depth. you’d probably be disgusted if you stepped in my brain.
but I can’t change the fact my brain is wired differently from enduring a cycle of abuse. I’m sorry but for that I cannot apologise. Its a wonderful world n you’re a beautiful human, sometimes I feel trapped & I’m honestly just trying to escape the madness.
I just need to get into my head that conversation isn’t dreading & people that love/ care bout me don’t mind however depressing my energy Is & jus my being is enough. I NEED to get into the habit of phoning even if jus short chats. It’s just hard to. this year more than any other one because I was suffering in silence all those years, I finally decided to speak up & I'm in the process of clearing my plate, so in this time it is unfair on the happiness of the people around me when all I have to talk about is the same repetitive shit I’m going through.
It’s hard to say goodbye to people especially if you feel like you didn’t get the chance to say what you needed to say. I’m not trying make excuses but I needed time to mourn, I know it’ll never stop hurting but I needed time to make space in my heart for positivity. Tai was very significant part of my life. we all have different coping mechanisms n I am not an energy vampire, I am someone who doesn’t like to depend on people as a source of happiness & learning to accept help is something I’ve always had hard cos the people I’ve been damaged by have always been the ones closest to me, & I’m @ point where I’ve got great people in my life & trust;my problem is how do I consistently open up without feeling vulnerable, when I was literally trained to lie for a paedophile. preserving thoughts to myself is my forte & I hate myself for it.
It has been a roller-coaster of emotion & I’m sure everyone has enough stress on their plates already in this plandemic. but I just can’t bear the pain of Tai’s loss. & it sucks I feel annoying constantly going on about him because i know it’s not as personal to others and though might feel obligated to reply when I can’t expect you to know what to say back each time about it.
I also couldn’t promise consistency when Life has sucked the joy out my pum pum.
i  felt sick knowing the abuser got to go to the funeral & it was impossible for me to go because of my affiliation. I just wanted to die & for at least the first month I didn't have one sober day since Tai died. 
& I know i should just message but it’s been hard to be happy because Tai was the one good ting that came out of my abuse, so with him gone I felt no sense of direction & security even knowing people around me.
Suicide can be triggering for someone who has lived with suicidal thoughts & attempted it before, I guess part of my brain tries to convince me that if I don’t have people around me that care/ & I distance, it won’t matter so much when I’m gone. It’s a selfish way of being but I’ve also never had caring promising intimacy at the beginning of my experimenting phase. so I’m trying to overcome these thoughts & when I do reach out it’s because I do have the energy.
I guess all I can really ask for is understanding & patience, even that I don’t expect. I’d never ask or expect anyone to stick around.
To anyone with mental health, I’m sorry & you will get through. I don’t have the answers but do what makes you feel calm & close enough to happy-personally, I think it’s the purpose of life. hydrate & elevate my lovelies. moisturise too. If you have a voice in your head that makes you feel like you’re less than you are, invite your personalities to a table talk & tell the bitchy degrading shell part of your brain that’s preventing you from doing YOU, that it’s a bloody wankstain. but it CAN be great if you remind it that it’s in control & the power is yours!!! 
P.s: If you have an abuser in your life or something, expose them in whatever way is going to free you (be safe)!! if you’re friends with or know the child of your abuser but the child doesn’t know the parent abused you, I URGE YOU to express, firstly you have no idea if they were going through it too!! secondly don’t live with the regret of not telling your tale while you have the chance. You don’t deserve to feel silenced and like you need to protect any abuser!!!!!!
Peace and love
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #7
7. Be fearlessly Authentic  
I always used to get called foxy & ew i can’t escape it, i don’t know how even foxed can get sexualised lol random thought. Also remember when people would gangsterify spongebob and put them on a shirt as a flex? I swear that was such a moist phase.
Anyhoo not doing the most to numb my brain or release rage in the sense of substance, self infliction or fighting anymore, deciding to make better decisions is a patch but it’s a better process i’m willing to go through.  The more awareness i cultivate the more i’ll live in alignment with my higher self. The voices in my head have the tendency to ruin me almost daily but regardless i stand. I’ll be okay because I've started appreciating and want to put love into my soul. I don’t want anybody to be able to shoot through my self esteem.
I honestly feel like i’m not really pressed for a relationship anymore and being at one with myself has been decent. Although sometimes i get super horny, I have more of a desire for genuine care and understanding, i want to put love into the relationships/friendships i have!! although i’m struggling to keep consistent right now to allow any of those bonds to fully form, that’s essentially what i desire now. If it’s just a friendship, cool. If we fw eachother but aren’t ready to dive into a relationship or aren’t expecting one out of it, then so be it. If the situation ends up being an actual relationship, okie dokey! but trying to get certain bonds instead of letting things fall into place will never ever ever leave one satisfied.
I got comfortable in the void of darkness where my deepest shame resided, right now my mind is racing, too many thoughts take up my seconds. I used to wish there was an off button for my brain, now i realise that only through turning it on will i free myself from this emotional captivity and bondage!! I gotta retrain these thoughts. sometimes i wish some images were blurrier. I want to redefine sex in my photographic memory.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #6
6. WHY CAN'T I ENJOY MASTURBATION AND WHY HAS THE ABUSE BRAINWASHED ME
I have a strange relationship with sex, the connotations attached to my body are extremely complex. It's like I yearn for my body to be kissed and understood- every inch of my skin to be traced by the fingertips of a precious individual. Yet there’s a blockage that doesn't allow me to fully enjoy the whole experience, almost waiting for it to be over while desiring it to last a little longer. I  like solitude, but I like to be touched. I just don't know how to explain how.
I feel like as a collective the release should be a sweet feeling you know?  freeing, and relieving not unsettled tingly ness which for me most of the time it has been. For too log I despised emotional intimacy but my brain understood it as a necessity and in relationships it had been used as a tool for some kind of validation or whatever these douche bags thought they were bringing to the table. I had become a product of cruelty.
So sex isn't isn't that, it's even worse when you don't cum or it isn’t done in the intimate sense you desired, but I guess it's all about setting the tone, the tension before hand, vibes etc. Obviously how can one crave nothing but a bunch of fucks, not me. I have no shame towards the ladies in the porn industry but like the people in most porn videos look like they're in aggravating pain and I feel like guys looked at me like some exotic fetished sex doll growing up. I don't mind the aggression in sex but I don't want to look or feel like I’m being full on violated. It has to feel natural and sexy you know ? Other wise It's a mark of him on my body and my brain so I'll likely want to escape into my own head, to reclaim and to fantasize. Probably Hentai because apparently in my childlike brain the world would appear less intimidating and more acceptably slutty if it were cartoon.
So much about my body being violated, the way I felt in those times, overlapped with my actual consensual sex life. That's the problem with post rape. I could find you highly attractive and still usually feel the press of him close to my body even just by imagination, mad that i've used that phrase to describe a lover also. Gross how similar it is,It works just as well for assault. distant echoes of his grasp and control.
Instead of memory, all I have is this recurring sensation in my body of the way he entered me, how he felt inside me, an unwelcome invader forcing me to feel him with precision and detail. The physical act of sex was there, the motions were nothing all that different except that with him I never said yes and he didn't stop when I started crying.
Navigating pleasure sometimes feels like an impossible task of trying to let myself feel safe, I drift off into fantasy, but as soon as I let my guard down my mind slips towards images: the bits of his body hair, his thrusting, the feeling of the surface I lay on and the emptiness I felt.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #5
5.TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Thanks for checking me and having patience, also sorry i’m like this. It’s hard to not internalise myself as not being a fuck up and being wrong and that i ruin everything-- but it’s genuinely heartwarming to know that there are still people who actually think about me. *cries* I hope you have all been doing well, I've managed to pull myself to a normal realm but hopefully soon i’ll make an appearance on socials again and support all that. It’s honestly just felt draining to pretend and hard to go on just because you have to not because you actually desire it. You have all been in my thoughts, I've just been letting everything pile up on my phone but i intend to reach out more. I care about humans a lot and the ones in my life i adore. They’re a bunch of wonderfully empowering people!  abstract, intelligent,musical, creative, diverse and many of them like the same things and our sense of humour is about 89% convergent and let me tell you that is ASTONISHING given how individual everyone’s interests tend to run. I want a huge slumber party wit all my friends. x x x
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #4
4. Maggot Brain
I’m so grateful to have people around me that are willing to carry my pain as their own, I’m so out of love with myself but beginning to fill my soul with what I’ve been lacking.
it’s difficult, having undergone such a traumatic situation, spending years to convince myself this nightmare was nothing but a pigment of my imagination, but finally saying it out loud is a process I’m willing to go through. I might go as far as to say this could be about the bravest thing i could’ve done in this life. i wasn't the problem. it wasn't my fault. in no way am i responsible for my own rape.
abuse is never acceptable and i do not deserve it despite thinking I did for a majority of the short time I’ve walked the face of this earth; but neither does anyone and I mean anyone. Everyone responds differently to trauma, even worse when you’ve been gaslighted for so many years of your life that you doubt your own sanity, you blame yourself & you feel crazy- when really you’re just traumatised. I’ve been abused in every sense on multiple other occasions & now I’m scared, I’ve lived my life in fear; that’s why I speak up.
I still feel weak; it still eats away at my brain like a maggot-but I feel good about saying it, not guilty, not like my fault, just right. I would have weird triggers for years and have those triggers feel invalid or dumb. I would put all the abuse I’ve gone through into one category rather than separate the occasions because it made me feel disgusting amplified 4 times rather than just 1. My views became distorted, I became paranoid & began to watch a cycle of abusive manipulators enter my life & never stopped to question why, because I didn’t want to believe why or where this could’ve stemmed from. Until now, I didn’t want to connect the dots but I knew if I never did it might be too late, I’d lose the desire to address it & live, and the guilty would never be proved guilty. I feel really rude that i cant go back in time and save my younger self, how I let such a poison control me- but I still breathe, I still strut my feet, I keep moving. I’m still alive.
men can be bloody awful, but for once I want something that’s says, yes women can be bad too; more than just that-women can abuse men domestically too. in order to understand our present existence it all goes back to past environmental morals, principles & values. Unfortunately I can’t question or study my violators and I can’t sit and police anyone or talk about anyone else’s experiences or contributing factors as to why they are the way they are. I can only talk & direct this or let this be inspired by my experiences, I’ve been raped twice by two separate men on two separate occasions-excluding a covert narcissist I dated & my childhood abuser.
I have an element of personal pride yet sometimes I wonder if it’s an inherent part of my character that I taught myself to enjoy/ find happiness in solitude- or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place.
-as a kid or teenager I would create alternative realities that I could go escape too because it was my coping mechanism..it sounds dumb to anyone who is has no deep escapism issues and isn’t affected by the ways of the world. i always wanted to make my own show or felt like it was up to me to write my own script because i didn’t understand what character i was assigned to be in the one on how to be a good girl and function normally in a shitty pedophilic infested rapey shan ass fuckin excuse of a society. lol i could only try maintain the front like the good girl i was. I knew from pretty young the script we were ‘supposed’ to follow was not all that, and eventually i began lusting to be as powerful as the people who overpowered me, but not in such a brutal way, still i was going to make them do what i wanted. in life i would have to slay some demonic reptiles that may come in my way (me thinking i’m a warrior) otherwise i would get eaten alive. yeah so i knew the script had a deeper meaning. real shady, conforming and sus. mines would be freeing, true and carefree.
so there’s obviously an awareness these realities aren’t real now but when you begin to look at life as a game, subconsciously even in adult hood, you take certain risks before putting the logical precautionary measures in place!! I always wish i could stay in line but i vowed to write my own script as soon as i got a pen licence in primary! sometimes i feel like its one of my personalities controlling that ‘i must control my destiny’ crap, however i literally do feel my brain split, i still ave my purpose and will achieve things, there’s just a time scale in my head which makes everything sticky. in most situations where i should be able to act with logic or just make a simple bloody decision, it’s kinda like the classic devil on ones shoulder with an angel on the other (in my head it’s more like fosters home for imaginary friends gang) we don’t always want to make the best decisions or know what is right.
anyhooOO sometimes good things come out of risky situations, sometimes you think you’ll get killed but it becomes all part of the game and you just hope you aren’t getting played and they haven’t been sent to ruin or test you. sometimes you get sent messiahs and griots, storytellers and healers. people are assigned symbols, memorable energies too will never be forgotten, be it aura colors or lucky numbers. anyways I live in my imaginatio still but apply some of that to my ‘reality’ whatever the fuck that is. I am baaaaad for ghosting but i want cuddles all the time when i’m not thinking about hitting my  head against a wall. i want to read a poetry book or some shit with someone in the grass and eat jackfruit! & not run away from my issues when things feel too intense. Although it’s never a boring time when I’m away off sites other than tumblr i do miss when i was once a good communicator, now I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor. but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off  loneliness. 
I have seriously learned from it but i don’t need to be nourished by it forever- i want intimacy and honest expression really.. ; i just don’t know to what extent being alone is simply just a form of escapism to recharge or because i have always been convinced by something inside me that i wasn’t the same as others. either way i built contentment residing on my lonesome.
i'm nowhere near recovery. but i'm opening up about it. i'm no longer terrified to talk about it with the close ones that know. i'm trying not to feel ashamed due to the effects my trauma still has today. when in doubt, i have people to go to. i plan to join one to one therapy to help me accept & overcome it after and if things ever go back to some kind of normal that my brain can adapt to. I plan to free myself from this bondage.
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2
2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness
Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.
consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.
I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.
I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.
I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.
it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead. 
I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.
I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.
I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die. 
I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away. 
Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.
thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.
My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present. 
I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.
most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.
I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.
sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.
being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.
another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.
I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.
We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.
I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me. 
sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.
I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.
I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.
I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.
I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect? 
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