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y-rhywbeth2 · 6 months

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Gods and Clergy: Myrkul

Link: Disclaimer regarding D&D "canon" & Index [tldr: D&D lore is a giant conflicting mess. Larian's lore is also a conflicting mess. You learn to take what you want and leave the rest]

Now this is what I call a proper death cult. Now that I'm pretty sure I have all information on this asshole, here's Myrkul to finish off the Dead Three - He offers free hugs sometimes. Do not accept one.

Intro: We have too many death gods in this setting.

Clergy: Stuff like kindness is for the people who are currently dead, to hell with everybody who's alive.

Gray Ones: I know clerics usually make better necromancers than wizards who specialise in it, but come on.

Myrkul: Bane's got issues, but I think Myrkul might actually be the most effective villain here.

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"Know me and fear me. My embrace is for all and is patient but sure. The dead can always find you. My hand is everywhere - there is no door I cannot pass, nor guardian who can withstand me." - Myrkul's dogma

"Make certain daily that all fear the Lord of Bones—who cannot be evaded, hidden from, or shut out. For the dead are his subjects, and the slide into death his pleasure and his dominion. Speak daily to all you meet of the Doombringers to come and Doombringers past— those moved by Myrkul to bring death, delivering souls to the one who shall have them all in the end, the mighty and the low-born, the cloaked in proud Art and the barely able to speak. Silently remind folk of death by your garb, the skulls you carry, and the finger bones you trail behind you as you travel. You fear nothing, or to harm you is to die." - more dogma

Myrkul's dogma that has caused a lot of confusion.

"Myrkul was the god of the dead, as opposed to the god of death [the instance of death and the transition between [life and death]], which was the province of Bhaal."

Bhaal is the god of death with a focus specifically on the moment life ends, he doesn't care about the before or after, only the moment of death. Myrkul was the god of those who have already died, shuffled off their mortal coil and joined the choir invisible - he's just a sadist about it and wants you to be aware of your mortality while you're still alive, and also enjoys it when you die. Kelemvor actually holds dominion over the dead at the moment, but I'll get back to him.

Myrkul is very keen to be feared; to remind the living that their time alive is finite, and once Bhaal ends that fleeting life then they will be in Myrkul's kingdom.

His divine portfolio includes aging, exhaustion, decay, the hours of dusk and the autumn months - things that remind mortals of the entropy looming over them throughout their every living moment, bringing you one step closer to his kingdom. Another portfolio of his is parasites: the hidden thing inside you, sucking your life away. It's so important to Myrkul that you remember that you are ageing. You are always dying, slowly.

To this effect he really enjoys crashing funerals, manifesting in front of the grief stricken funeral goers to remind them that one day they'll die too! He'll also drop by at night and visit you in your nightmares, for the same reason.

He lost rulership of the dead when slain in the Time of Troubles by Midnight (soon to be Mystra), and the portfolio eventually passed to Cyric and later to Kelemvor.

Now that Myrkul has returned, Kelemvor remains god of the dead, but Myrkul maintains his older domains. He is the god of the slow march of life into death, with all the aspects mentioned.

He's also the most sadistic asshole, but I'll talk about that further in.

Temples of Myrkul begin with a mausoleum built above ground (as big as possible and decorated with the most intimidating statuary the builders can think of), which extend into necropolis underground, which are guarded by undead. The temples are often filled/covered in smoke from the crematoriums inside. The walls are decorated with images and statues of people of all genders, races and ages depicted in various forms of death and stages of decay.

Myrkul and his worshippers, known as "the Anointed" are and always have been extremely unpopular. He receives offerings at funerals, but nobody particularly wants to worship him, and those that do are regarded with fear and the subject of rumour and horror stories.

His few priests come from people of a morbid bent, who enjoy the fear and the tales of how they can sicken and kill others through a mere touch, or that those who offend them in any way will die - and that all Anointed will know when one of their own has been killed, and by who. Anointed don't actually kill anyone as a rule, that's a job for Bhaalists, but they do make a special exception for people who pretend to be one of them in order to exploit their intimidating reputation. Such people die in spectacular, public fashion - as painfully as possible.

They also make an exception for law keepers and others in positions of power who try to oppress the study and practitioners of necromancy, although finding non-lethal means of making these people change their ways is common enough.

Myrkul's followers are to speak as little as possible, and when they do speak they speak as softly as they can while being as laconic as they're able. "It is poor form among the Anointed to show emotion when one can instead speak coldly and flatly, and maintain apparent calm."

At this point, people are so desperate to stay away from them that a Myrkulite can flat out just walk into your house and take whatever the hell they want. You like being alive and look forward to a happy afterlife and are not going to stop them. Many Myrkulites get extremely rich this way, and Old Lord Skull himself doesn't seem to care.

When in public they Anointed always wear skull half-masks, coating every inch of exposed flesh on their body with ash. They also carry human skulls with them - due to the skulls, they've often known as the "Grinning Anointed". While at the temple, or on ceremony, they wear full body, deep hooded black robes, tied around the waist with a white sash, and forgo shoes in favour of being bare foot.

Their entire job, as far as the living go, is basically to torment people and remind them that their life is ultimately pointless and that they're going to die.

While they're absolute monsters towards living beings. whom they and their god abhor, the Anointed typically hold those who are dead in reverence. Resurrecting the dead is a blasphemous act forbidden by the faith, and Myrkul only rarely permits it in exceptional circumstances (although a technical loophole exists in that you can get a priest of a different god to bring back a dead person for you.)

Other, less sadistic, duties include carrying out funerals and seeking out and burying the lost dead. They seek to make the dying comfortable in their last moments, and help them get their last affairs in order - a duty that they now, presumably, share with Kelemvorites. Myrkulites will typically go out of their way to make sure that the last wills and testaments (and similar) have reaching effects after a person's death, so that they may hold influence on the living from beyond the grave. Another thing they share with Kelemvorites is that they personally do not view death as unnatural or something to run from. Where they differ is that Kelemvor teaches the living not to live in fear of death, while Myrkul wants mortals in constant dread.

Myrkul's priests are often blessed with a high tolerance for disease, which makes them particularly useful for disposing of the bodies of plague victims.

Myrkulites often have a special reverence for necromancy, again due to its ability to allow the dead to affect the living. They call it "the sacred hand that reaches from the grave."

They are also charged with spreading tale of those the faith reveres as "Doombringers" - those driven to avenge the dead; friends, lovers, mentors and other loved ones sent or driven into death one way or another by the actions of their target/s.

A Myrkulite can be hired as a doombringer, the cost of which is sometimes called a "skull fee", however they will not work for the still-living. They can only be hired on behalf of the dead, or in advance of one's death.

Myrkulites should not expect much of a social life outside of the other Anointed, and most will leave wherever they were raised and/or lived, as their communities certainly wouldn't appreciate having a Myrkulite in their midst.

The clergy contains many titles, each conferring a specific necromantic spell taught or priestly duty (most of which are not actually described). Once these were in rank, however in recent times the hierarchy has become a loose grouping by age and experience into Initiates, Lesser Anointed, Anointed and Higher Anointed. Myrkul did away with the concept of high priests after certain incidents involving a rebellion against him.

The titles used to be: Daring One, Night Walker, Bone Talker, Shroud Wearer, Crypt Carver, Bone Dancer, Ritual Consecrator, Undead Master, Withering Lord, Deathbringer and Elder Doom (the later of whom have influence beyond a single temple or settlement).

Bone Dancers perform ritualistic dances that animate the dead as guardians of a site. Ritual Consecrators are basically the clergy's craftsmen, responsible for dedicating the altars, making the scythes and preparing the materials for magic. Withering Lords use magic that causes living flesh to wither and die, and Deathbringers can cause you to drop dead by pointing at you.

Anointed greet their equals and juniors as "Death [Surname]" and their senior clergy as "Most Holy Death [Surname]."

Lower ranks owe little in the way of reverence to their seniors, aside from obeying reasonable instructions and offering aid, money, food or shelter when the moment calls for it. The senior clergy should not be living off of the backs of the lower ranks, and if they attempt to abuse their power then the junior clergy are free to defy them.

Initiates to the faith are taken into the crypts, to meet the corpse of a former high-ranking priest. There, the ritual spell speak with dead is used to allow Myrkul to address the initiate personally, imparting his dogma upon them.

Myrkul is known to visit his favoured followers to give them a hug. Said hug is full of necromantic magic and is highly likely to kill you. If it doesn't you will be horrifically withered and traumatised for life, but Myrkulites consider survivors to be blessed.

When Cyric took over as god of the dead, unlike their Bhaalist and Banite counterparts who had schisms and purges over it, the Anointed simply carried on as usual. Their complete indifference was about as close to enthusiasm as Myrkulites get. While many were just as indifferent when Cyric was replaced by Kelemvor, he proved to be a bit more controversial, due to the ban on necromancy.

Myrkul is worshipped at dusk every day during a ritual named the Dusking. Grave dirt, or the bones and ash of the cremated, are offered to a black altar decorated with bones. Above the altar a human skull is enchanted so that it floats and glows dimly. The purpose of the daily ritual is to remember that death follows closely behind all living creatures, and those who don't chose Myrkul as a patron deity are encouraged to give their own offerings. The begining and ending of the ritual is marked by the toll of a bell (a deep, reverberating one, not a high note). Each time an offering is made the bell is tolled again. Particularly devout Myrkulites will hold a personal prayer at any time during the hours of darkness that night.

There is only one holy day, held during the Feast of the Moon when everybody honours the dead. Myrkulites call it "the day the dead are most with us." It's believed by them that the dead walk the world as ghosts to seek their loved ones, enemies and descendants - either to observe or to pass on messages. They celebrate the dead with chants, prayers and hyms and end the day with a ritual called the Flagons of the Fallen, where they set glasses of wine on fire with magic to grant the spirits a momentary respite from their "eternal chill."

The priests that dedicate themselves to Myrkul alone amongst the gods are the Grey Ones (also known by the nickname, "fingerbones")

Grey ones are master necromancers, and can command far larger hordes than normal. They are also masters of lore regarding undeath, all forms of undead and the outer planes and the fate of souls.

They're resistant to any spell effects that cause death

They do not display any negative effects of any diseases or parasites they may be hosting, although they can still contract them. For example, an Anointed could visibly have leprosy, and it will kill them, but they won't feel it or be bothered by it until it actually kills them.

They can magically put themselves into a state where they appear to be dead to onlookers.

They can summon Deaths to serve them - grim reaper looking undead who serve Myrkul.

They can wither living flesh at a touch.

Once a tenday they have access to a unique spell called the Hand of Myrkul, this wreathes their hand in flame. If they touch a living creature with this hand, then the victim must make a successful roll or they will die. If the target dies, the Gray One must also make that same roll, or be slain themselves.

They can stagnate water and create or worsen structural weak points in inanimate matter.

They can turn wounds and injuries necrotic.

They have a unique version of the spell finger of death where the priest points a finger bone at the target, says the incantation and if the damage caused kills the target then they can't be resurrected. If they don't die, then the Myrkulite can perform a ritual involving holy water that will turn them into a living zombie under their command.

Myrkul himself is a Neutral Evil deity and his domain is in the Lower Planes on the Grey Waste of Hades. Born Myrkul Bey al-Kursi, a talented necromancer and Crown-Prince of a kingdom called Murghom. His kingdom was a vassal state of the ancient empire Mulhorand, and the prince wasn't satisfied with such meagre power. So off he travelled, eventually running into Bhaal and Bane, who were already allied and being compelled to seek out and slay ancient gods due to horrific visions being inflicted on them by the god Jergal. This, of course, is what we call an opportunity for better power, so Myrkul joined them and the three went on to steal divinity from many beings and ended up becoming the Dead Three. He was slain by Midnight, who would become Mystra, in a battle in Waterdeep during the Time of Troubles.

Myrkul's personality is described as cold and malignant, and the god himself is known for his cruel intellect. He never gets angry or raises his voice, only ever speaking in a whisper. Whenever his plans are foiled by mortals he only ever responds with amusement.

Sometimes, just to keep mortals on their toes, he pretends to be kind.

Myrkul's avatar is much like the traditional grim reaper (scythe included), but with four arms, and his face still has some skin - flaking, withered skin covered in lesions and his lips and black and cracking. His sunken eyes "gleam with a cold, evil light." He levitates rather than standing on the ground. His touch is lethally icy, both physically and on a spiritual level. He can also inflict a flesh-eating disease on people though touching them. Regardless of how much damage it inflicts, after being in physical contact with Myrkul, a living being sees all other living beings around them as corpses for a varying period of time. His scythe causes fatigue and weakness in those it touches.

All skeletons and zombies obey him absolutely, regardless of who created them. Much like Bhaal, Myrkul can create any form of undead by touching a corpse, and sapient undead such as mummies and vampires created this way are bound to his will for a single task after which they are fully free willed. He can reduce all undead to dust with a touch, and they cannot harm him in any way.

Myrkul also manifests as a flying human skull with lights in its eye sockets, and can vary in size from normal skull to being six foot tall. He can also manifest as a skeletal arm wielding a scimitar, which has much the same effect as the scythe.

Myrkul can cast any spell except those that create light as a primary effect.

Naturally his divine servants and messengers are undead, and he's been known to unleash armies of the dead on the living.

Various things Myrkul will send to his faithful to show his favour or disfavour include; bats, panthers, hell hounds, nightmares, black roses, jet, obsidian, onyx and corvids. The animals will aid his faithful, if in favour and cause harassment or harm to show his disfavour. They can also be sent to attack his followers' enemies.

His top hits in contribution to the Realms include:

The Wall of the Faithless. Nobody actually asked for the souls of those who cannot be claimed by any of the gods to all be packed together and turned into a mouldy, eternally screaming wall where they will experience agony untold for millennia as their memories and sense of self are slowly eaten away until nothing of them is left. But Myrkul is the gift that keeps on giving, so he gave the Wall to the Realms anyway.

The Spirit Eater Curse: So one of his old Chosen, raised from birth to serve him with blind loyalty, got a girlfriend. Then this girlfriend ended up in aforementioned wall of screaming souls. Said Chosen rebelled in order to rescue his girlfriend, so Myrkul did the only reasonable thing and put him in the Wall (even though this is a breach of divine cosmology) and then took him back out when his personality had been erased and dumped him back on Toril. What was left was a soul eating parasite - a void that feels only hunger and can never be filled, ruining thousands of lives and leaving spiritual desolation wherever it went. Did this have anything to do with being a punishment for the former high priests rebellion? Sort of, but ultimately, not really, no. This was Myrkul's equivalent of Iyachtu Xvim and the Bhaalspawn; as long as the curse exists, a fragment of Myrkul remains in the world and he cannot die.

The Crown of Horns: Originally crafted by Jergal. A circlet made of electrum, with four bone horns at the corners and one large black diamond centred over the brow, radiating necromantic energy. Before the Second Sundering, the crown hosted a portion of Myrkul's essence. The crown has mind-affecting magic that sows discord amongst all in its vicinity who don't worship Myrkul, who it can bind to the yugoloth fiends of the Lower Planes, and its power also drives them to covet the crown. All who wear it have their minds consumed by Myrkul as it slowly turns them into a lich. They usually then start acting as an evil necromancer overlord, raising the dead and trying to take over the nearest city/kingdom/whatever. At their worst, wearers of the crown have been strong enough to challenge Bane's church (although I don't think they've tried).

Myrkul's been keeping the crown teleporting around the world, post Time of Troubles, landing out of reach of meddling Harpers and kept within reach of idiots.

#I'll say this for Myrkul - he actually made something of a functioning religion #Are you sure you're in the right religion Ketheric buddy?

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terapsina · 1 year

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Ask game for people who like to ramble about their obsessions. So.

SEND ME A FANDOM (+ number) AND I WILL TELL YOU...

...the moment in the story that I started shipping my OTP from this world.

...my three favorite characters and why I love them so much.

...which scene I would like to erase from the universe and why.

...why you should choose to check out the world of this story and choose three gifs that should underline my point.

...the scene from it that lives in my head rent free.

...which is my favorite platonic or familial relationship in this world.

...how likely I am to follow the writers and directors from this project to their other ones and why.

...a quote from it that means a lot to me.

...which characters I think should have interacted more in canon.

...how many fics I've read that are set in it (approximately and making exaggerated guesstimates).

...what I think of the central character(s).

...what attracted me into checking it out.

...which canon or popular fanon relationship I can't stand or feel 'meh' about and why.

...if I think the largest majority of fics I crave for it are fix-its, nobody-dies-everybody-lives, fluffy fics of my OTP, pining fics for my OTP, or plot heavy Gen stories?

...which character I would choose for the chopping block if I knew the writers wanted to kill someone.

...which character's death would (or did) make me rage-quit.

...the world-building aspect of the story I have the greatest admiration for.

...the perfect number of books/seasons/movies needed to tell this story properly.

...one behind-the-scenes trivia fact I've learned somewhere and my thoughts on it.

...exactly how little or how much headspace this fandom takes up in my brain at any given point.

SEND ME A SHIP (+ number) AND I WILL TELL YOU...

...about my absolute favorite of their scenes and why I love it so much.

...why I do or don't ship them.

...if there's a scene involving them that makes me uncomfortable.

...how many other characters in my opinion see the chemistry of this couple before the couple itself does.

...the three most perfect OTP tags that I can come up with for them.

...what kind of AU fics I'm obsessed with reading about them (or would be if I could find one).

...the scene that I like to point to as proof that they're perfect for each other.

...if I'm most interested in fics about them that focus on fluff, angst, humor, smut or actual plot?

...what my ideal endgame for them is.

...rate the level of stupid they reach in their pining.

...how quickly I started shipping them when I got into the fandom.

...about three of the scenes that make me have feelings and (if available) find the gifs that underline my points.

...if I can watch them in relationships with other characters without feeling gutted.

...which tropes I think describe them the best.

...how I wish their story would go/would have gone.

...three of my fic recs for this ship. And (in the event that I've written something for them) one of my fics involving them that I'm most proud of.

...three of my favorite fanvids for this ship. And (in the event that I've created something for them) one of my videos involving them that I'm most proud of.

...three of my favorite fanart or edits for this ship. And (in the event that I've created something for them) one of my art or edits involving them that I'm most proud of.

...if this is a ship that's likely to take up room in my heart for years and decades to come or if they're the summer romance that will probably fade into the past with a fond memory.

...how and when they should get/should have gotten together.

SEND ME A CHARACTER (+ number) AND I WILL TELL YOU...

...why I love them, like them or hate them.

...how I would have chosen to change their story from canon.

...if I have an OTP for them.

...if I have NOTP for them.

...if I feel like the writers mistreat them or if the story would be better if they were taken down a peg.

...the scene that I think shows just how awesome they really are.

...the scene that I think adds depth to their character or the relationship this character has with someone.

...a headcanon I have about this character.

...which of their relationships I would have cultivated more if it were up to me (both romantic and platonic).

...if I liked them immediately or if took a while before I warmed up to their character. Alternatively, if I disliked them immediately or if they lost my trust as their story progressed.

...how well I actually understand them. Do they feel like a very vivid character to me or are they kind of bland and hard to get invested in?

...how likely I am to seek out (or write) fanfiction for them.

...how I'd do it if they had to be written out of the story.

...what I think they want more than anything else.

...what I think their role in the story is versus what I think it should be.

...my very shallowest of opinions on this character.

...how well they'd do if they got dropped in a horror movie.

...whether or not I would personally trust them to be my friend.

...a song that describes how I feel about this character.

...my queer headcanon for them. Unless they're canonically queer, in which case whether or not I think they're good representation or kinda badly explored.

#ask game #fandom asks #shipping asks #send me asks #send me a character #send me a ship #send me a fandom #terapsina rambles #character asks #ask me #ask meme #i felt like creating one of these myself because most of the ones i've seen can be answered in like one or two words and i''m a rambler #plus i love pointing people toward some of my favorite art; fic; edits and vids

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cyberpunkaddict · 5 months

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2023 Letter.

Here we are again. It’s been a year since my last letter. This is my last post for 2023. I included a bunch of unreleased VP again.

Read the letter below:

This year has been a rollercoaster in many ways. It’s really easy to focus on the negative because it seems to take up so much space. But it’s important to take some time and think about the positive in life too to get some perspective.

Life is made up of tiny moments of happiness after all. ❤️

The Cyberpunk 2077 community is very important to me. "Stuff" we may or may not agree with is bound to happen no matter where we are, IRL or online. But no matter who you are, in the end we all want the same things; feel like we belong, make connections with people, escape real life for a while, have fun and feel safe.

I'm a broken record lol, but... Without you there wouldn't even be a community whatsoever. Thank you for being part of it and making it fun! ❤️

So, back to reminiscing on 2023...

If you know me, you know I'm a stubborn perfectionist. With that comes pessimism, but I’ve grown and gained a more positive outlook on life, which is something I’m proud of. It's not often I'm proud of something, striving for perfectionism and all, so admitting this is a huge achievement for me. I know I'm always gonna be a perfectionist when it comes to my art though, but that just forces me to be a better artist, so it's not all bad... As long as I don't overdo it, which is something I'm working on. My goal for 2024 is to stop being so hard on myself and upload more to Tumblr. ❤️

I started doing OC gif giveaways this year, and I definitely wanna do more, and not just gifs but VP too. I do these because I want to spread, excuse the cringe lol, happiness and positivity. I love to give back. It gives me purpose in life.

I started modding as well, which I wanted to do for months, but I was too scared because it seemed so complicated... But I did it. I'm proud I went out of my comfort zone for once.

So, Dear Everyone ❤️, once again...

Thank you for sharing your incredible art, writing, cosplay, mods, and the list goes on. I hope 2023 treated you well, if not, let's make 2024 beyond amazing! I want you to know that you make my day better no matter what is happening in my life. The simplest joke in a tag or a simple hi in a DM make me smile and laugh. And if this is how I feel, just know you make other people you've never met before feel this way too. I think that's pretty cool.

One day I might have to leave Cyberpunk 2077 behind, because that's how life goes sometimes. And that’s sad to think about... I’m not ready to put it behind me yet. At the same time it means that this community, and my OCs and yours will always have a place in my heart.

I will never forget you.

Here's to another year filled with lots of happy moments. ❤️

Bye 2023! Hello 2024!

Vicky

To everyone who made it this far, I have a little surprise... I’d like to do VP with one of your OCs. Comment on this post and tell me what you’re proud of in 2023. In a week-ish I’ll pick a random person (from the comments). :3

❤️❤️❤️

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thebottomfromhell · 7 months

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I want some angst. How about the Superior Moons kill him for a certain reason and go on with their lives normally, but finding themselves unable to escape of your "ghost". Little things they saw or did reminded them of you and that started to torment them, turning into sadness and longing, although like demons it was very likely that they didn't quite understand these feelings. Preference for human and male readers, but can be gender neutral too

We want some angst! I'm very sorry of how late this came, I really hope I can make up for the time. It was a long and busy week.... also, I hope everyone had a nice Halloween! Thanks for everything and let's see if you enjoy this work.

Uppermoons facing the "ghosts" of dead Human Male Reader

Warnings: Angst, Manga spoilers, Cannibalism, Literally dead reader, Self-harm, Self-steem/self-worth issues, Unhealty dependency, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Eating disorders, Character with PTSD, Character with paranoia, Emotionally stunted character,

Gyutaro (ft. Daki):

This wasn't supposed to happen, you were not supposed to die! He just... forgot how fragile you can be and how aggresive Daki can get, ok? Ok, he forgot. He forgot and that costed you your life.... fuck! He should have done something! Said something! Protected you! Kept your mouth shut! Anything! "Onii-chan?" She doesn't have any blood on her as he focus his gaze as his own blood heals (he is scratching his face, there as pieces of skin missing and a lot of blood), of course she wouldn't. Daki didn't like you that much, to her you where just some random guy trying to steal her big brother away. You were too proud to actually try and get along with her, you didn't like her much neither. "Are you ok?"

He can se your death in her, and he loathes it but... "Let me hug you.... ne..." he just smiles as she open her arms to recieve her onii-chan as Gyutaro butries his face on her shoulder, not minding that his blood is falling into her as he heals. It's her blood as well (she thinks remembers that much). Gyutaro always chose her over you and there is not even the choice right now, so.... and even if it wasn't the case, she is first.

Because you would have left anyway, was it because Gyutaro is nothing but an ugly freak or dying as a human. You would leave, you left, and it's because of him. Meanwhile Daki won't, can't leave. "I'm so sorry.... little sister... my little sister.... that you have such a pathetic excuse of a brother...." he hugs her tight as he whispers, not crying but needing to feel she is there, that she is safe, that is is happy. "Wha- No! Onii-chan is the best! You are the best big brother ever!" No, he is not. He failed her before, just like he failed you. He is nothing but a failure to others.

He is completely sure most people would be better if he never existed at all, but most of them are people he doesn't care about so he doesn't mind, let their lives be worse. But.... would Daki be better if he was not her onii-chan? You definetely would have been better off if you had never met him.... he should have let his mother kill him.

Gyokko:

You had a really bad taste from time to time, you know? He really tried to teach you how to correct it, but... you were a mere human. A handsome man, with an attitude Gyokko switched into hating and loving, but still a human. He should have known from the start to not get his hopes on you, he only ever wasted his precious time and effort on your but you have also tainted his art. Now in his times of creation he can't fully concentrate, the lessons he gave still imprinted in his mind! Every time he tries to connect with the sublime feeling a memory of you awakes! How is he supposed- fuck it! Let's just speak normaly.

You did a number on him, and Gyokko doesn't like that. What what else is there left to do? He already killed you, your guts are in a pot right now. He would get rid of them but he has been just adoring the taste so far, too bad he really can't get more from where those came from. That would be an interesting concept for a work of art, too bad it would only work on demons. Maybe he should have turned you into a demon instead of killing you, but you were so offensive to hi- HERE YOU GO AGAIN! YOU DON'T LET HIM CONCENTRATE!

Why can't you just leave like the rest? You keep pestering and pestering even after dying. This is why he killed you. But one day he will move on, until then... well, it's his own business.

Hantengu:

It wasn't him... it wasn't him, please believe it wasn't him! It's not his fault, he is innocent! Those are false accusations! False! .... But nobody is accusing Hantengu of anything. He is just.... it just wasn't him, ok? Don't mind that he is lying please, just believe it wasn't him. He wouldn't have killed you if you had believed it, but you didn't and NOW YOU ARE DEAD!! He can't take it! It's too much! Too much for him! Tiny and pathetic, defenseless against those villains! Those villains are to blame!

You are not coming back, though... are you? Not that he did anything but you are not mad at him, right? You would not become an onryō and take revenge, right? You love him too much for that! Probably... so it's just his imagination. Things just look like you, that it's why shadows have your face! The clones say there is nothing there, that he is just nostalgic, melancholic, maybe even guilty. They just don't get it! You are there!

He is constantly in a panic, trying to scape, trying to deny, "pl-pl-please leave me alone!" He crys and sobs when you are not there, yet... you are everywhere. The clones don't believe it so they can't protect him! Someone help him! You can't do it anymore... because Hantengu killed you.

Sekido:

You were the one to cross the line first, that is what Sekido tells himself. You made him angry, of course he was bound to react! You didn't make sure to have the other clones as back up! (Where the fuck was Karaku?! He is the one to take the bad end in those situations!) You were to one to insist, and insist, and insist in your argument of "I wAnT tO sTaY a HuMaN!" Look how well that ended, since you died a human! You should have just let Sekido turn you!

He is always angry, always violent. You knew that, said you loved hin for that but it seems you did all you could to deny yourself that Sekido could hurt you. THIS IS SO IRRITATING! You are- were a mere man, how DARE you go against him and think that just because he liked you a little you would get a free pass in surviving Upper 4?! That was so idiotic it infuriates him! "SHUT THE FUCK UP, Y/N!" He turns around to find Karaku, corcened for the other clone. Pleasure doesn't say anhthing, clearly contemplating if he should try and comfort Sekido, leave him be or tease him, last one is very tempting. You would know, you also liked to tease Sekido, and a lot.

Sekido uses his staff to attack Karaku, angry that his sole presence is reminding him of you, that he lost you. The anger is almost consuming him, to the point tears appear in his eyes as his face becomes red. He hates it! Just ehy did you have to be so stupid?! Why did he have to love you?! "Fucking.... WHY ARE YOU SO INFURIATING?!" His chest aches and he can only let the anger get the best of him, that is how he is built, after all. Maybe it was bound to happen, and it makes him cry.

Karaku:

You liked to stargaze a lot, it was of the few activities you could both do together any time. Most of the time you fell asleep, tired of whatever you did once the sun came up. Karaku always asked but barely did any effort to keep the information in his head, why would he? It was a world he was never part of. But he knew you, besides not knowing who you were under the sun, he knew the man you were under the moon and the stars. He likes that man a lot.

He tries not to feel guilty of your death, it was an accident, after all. He was fighting off some slayers and overdid it with his attack, making some trees fall over you. Humans are so easy to break, he always had to be way to careful with you. So he is more delicate with things on average now, so the won't break the same way you did. He doesn't like being careful, but it helps. He wonders where you are, he heard some people once say people go.... up. Whatever that means

Are you in the stars he is looking at? Can you see him? Karaku feels he can see you, so he will jeep coming back for you. "Are you that star? Shines more than the rest. I bet you are there." He is pleasure. He is not meant to be sad, or angry, or frustrated, or mourning, or... or anything that is not pleasurable. So... he keeps getting pleasure from you, in some way. "You better be dedicating it to me."

Urogi:

Urogi molts a lot, and that is not normal. He only ever does it when he is stressed, before that meant whenever was a fight between the clones or their master showed sights of being dissapointed or to show aggression, but now? He is doing it from start to end whenever he separates from the rest, leaving the others extremely concerned. Feathers fall off like leaves of a tree in autumn as they keep groing back, Urogi scratches himself way too much, not only ripping them off but irritating the skin and sometimes even causing wounds. If it wasn't because of his regeneration he would definetely look like those caged birds, almost featherless and and sore red, tensed up.

"Y/N! Y/N! Y/N! Please Y/N! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He is joy, he is not supposed to be like this. He is not supposed to cry, whine and beg like a pet that misses it's owner, but he misses you. He misses you a lot. He can't even look at himself without remembering you, because he can no longer feel you, smell you, see you or touch you. It was an accident, and he feels extremely guilty for it. He knew you could not keep up with him, that you could not stand him playing rough. He doesn't know why he did it, he got way too excited and suddenly... you were bleeding out. Urogi tried to help, but you had already lost too much blood by the time he got you to some human place.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Y/N! Y/N! Please come back! Please come back!" He keeps scratching himself, blood falling off his wings and wrists as it dries when the wounds heal, skin still irritated against the constant friction as he lies on to of the group of feathers that also start to cover him. You also liked his feathers a lot, just like he liked you a lot. He is basically waiting for to to pick him up, even if he knows you will never come back. "Y/N! Y/N! Please!"

Aizetsu:

He was always sad, is always sad. He is used to it, besides he doesn't come out that often. Sekido is a lot less careless than Karaku with his neck, and most of the time the those two are more than enough to deal with anything. Aizetsu doesn't like to come out, to work, to fight. You were one of the very few things that made him want to be separated from the others, he was not able to skiot his duties as Upper 4, but he always adored your company. Than you got in the way in a fight, and not only that, you got injured, and badly. One didn't need the knowledge he had of the human body to know you would not survive, and killing you quick instead of letting you agonize would be the most merciful thing to do. He knew exactly where to strike to make it painless, and he did it for you.

He can't bring himself to regret it, it was for the best, but that doesn't change the fact that he is disliking a lot more than he used to being outside. It's just sad. Sometimes he wonders why he isn't a "crybaby" or something, he just... doesn't cry, can't bring himself to do so, even for you. He doesn't know if it's because his body is so deppresingly tired or if it's his demon nature, but he is not one of those people who constantly cry, even is he constantly feel the need to express sadness.

"Y/N.... are you better in there?" He asks in the sky knowing there won't be an answer, the outside reminds him of you, even if now it feels... a little bit more empty than before. "I really hope you are." He misses you dearly, and he won't ever deny that. He wants you, but men like yourself are not meant to be forever around demons. You are meant to be free, he is not. That is sad.

Nakime:

Nakime is a quiet person, you were never as silent as her. It's weird to be back at the spaces empty of any sound, even your breathing made a noise she could detect, louder than hers, it took her a while to get used to it. Now, it seems it will also take her a while to get used of it being gone. She never thought she would miss a man, much less a human one, specially after she was the one who killed you. Well, it was not really her, but she is still responsible, since she should have known better than to let you wonder through the castle. Why didn't you tell her so she could keep an eye on you.

Nakime is a demon with a power than is above time and space, she didn't realize you got lost for long enough time for it to be unhealthy. She found you before you died, but the lack of food, water and sun made you sick, and that eventually kicked in. Why are humans so weak? Se doesn't remember being that fragile before she was turned, but again, she doesn't remember much about it.

Now the silence reminds her that you are gone for good, and she doesn't know what to do about it, since she doesn't have it inside her to fill it with anything that are not the cords that should have saved you. Another reminder. Then again, she will be ok. She lost her husband once she can get over another man in her life. She will get over it.

Akaza:

He didn't want to... but why? Just why? He tried to save you. Akaza barely remembers what happened, just that you were kissing and suddenly biting into each other and your scent, the one of your blood was so good, he couldn't help but have a taste. He has been so hungry! He already wasn't a glutton demon, but after meeting you he just... ate less. He ignored his master anger and disapproval in order to gain yours, to show he was not a monster, no matter how painful it became (Akaza suspects he has been manually making it worse as a punishment), he fasted. (Akaza already did fast from time to time as a buddhist, but extending the time periods did harm him).

Now he is not eating at all, he can't. Before he just could not eat women, they didn't do it, she was just a maid, how was Hakuji not supposed to let her go? But now? Now he can't eat men neither. The masculine scent, the high levels of testosterone, the blood... it ends up being you! It's always you! He can't it no matter how hard he tries to swallow- it hurts! But you being dead hurts even more than the angry twists in his stomach, and he is getting weaker. He needs to eat but he can't.

Why has Muzan-sama not killed him already? Did he enjoy seeing Akaza like this? A crying mess that only awaits for death? Because he wants to die. He doesn't care anymore, he WANTS TO DIE! Let him go back, let him go back! "Please... please, I beg you. Just kill me. Just kill me! KILL ME RIGHT NOW! I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I DON'T WANT A LIFE THEY ALL LEFT ME BEHIND!" He screams and sobs as he lies down on the ground, exposed. No swordsman comes in, they are all dead. No oddly optimistic adult hitting him until he calms down, he is also dead. No soft girl trying to make him feel better, she also died. Not even you, because he killed you.

Times passes, is the sun coming out. He feels like dying, he really feels like dying right now. Is the sun coming up? It doesn't even matter, is a matter of time. And as always, death comes by a whisper "Kibutsuji Muzan."

Douma:

Sometimes, just sometimes, Douma misses talking to you. But good things got to end sooner or later, don't they? And this ways, you will be always part of him, living forever inside. He had to find new ways to entertain himself at first, after he killed you, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Just a bit of boredom! Everyday he finds new ways to entertain himself, might as well go to see what other Uppermoons are doing. If he is lucky he might even find Akaza-dono! Akaza-dono is always fun to be with, is the only one that doesn't try to scape him or outright ignore him, he is the closest thing he ever had to an equal. Yes, thinking about him is making think a bit less about you, should definetely give it a try.

Why does he things about you and his chest feels uncomfortable would be odd if it hadn't happened before. He has told you, shared that detail with you. You were a guy he could tell anything too, instead of just the other way around (that is probably why he misses you so much), so ofcourse you knew about Kotoha! Though, you seemed to dislike having Douma talking about for too long, you did your best to hide it, but he knew. How funny that you are now it the same situation then! Except he ate you for different reasons, you got too hurt by another demon a night you were outside, but you were just so hurt. Really bad, he just had to end your suffering, he did not like seeing you like that....

"I'm heading out tonight, thank you! I will be back in time to meet my followers, bye!" He tells a servant who knows, his parents served him too, got to see him grow up into an old man. Douma never got attached to him or his parents, just like he never got attached to his own parents, or any rollower at all... well, that is not true! You, Kotoha and to a lesser extent Inosuke have craved yourself a place in his mind, never leaving at all, following him 24/7, causing preassure in his chest. It's annoying. "Now, whe could Akaza-dono be today? Or maybe I can just visit the siblings! I know exactly where those are!" Douma will live, though. Same as always.

Kokushibou:

Get out of his head.... GET OUT OF HIS HEAD! YOU HAVE NO PLACE AMONG THE LIVING ANYMORE, IF HE CAN BE CONSIDERED LIVING, YOU ARE DEAD! And a dead man should always stay dead! He can't even look at his Katana without seeing your reflection in it! GET OUT! He hates it, he hastes how the death of a human is affecting him this much, he heates that he can't forget anything of you. What is he? A lovesick maiden? Damn it, why did that come to his head. You always used to call him a "fair and shy maiden", joking that you were his destinied gentleman. AS IF! NOT ONCE YOU EVER FIT INTO THE STANDARDS OF THE GENTRY!

He hates you. It's your fault! Why did you die?! What did you think was going to happen if you wore Hanafuda earings?! That he would like them?! That he would feel nice! He TOLD you several times the Hanafuda earings were nothing to mess with, that it was a past he didn't want to share. Was that your way to try and make him tell you? Tell you about a freak of a twin brother who was the strongests withojt even trying?! Brother that was better than him in every way?! Bother that now is DEAD and Michikatsu Kokushibou never had a chance?! Well, NOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!

"Why did you have to be just like him? I hate you both." He speaks out loud. He hates you. He hates Yoriichi. He hates himself.... you deserved it and he will forget you. Sooner or later he will have to fully forget you both. He has time enough for that. He should just focus, and practice with the katas. "Hachi no kata...." And best you all.

#demon slayer #kny #upper moons #kny x reader #top reader #karaku #urogi #gyutaro #aizetsu #douma #sekido #gyokko #hantengu #akaza #nakime #kokushibou #daki

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rainbowsky · 7 months

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hi, new turtle here and kind of clueless about a lot of things especially how to support GG and DD if we're from intl fandom. that is, I know DD has a lightstick, I know GG has other things..? (which are those?) my point is, how do we as intl fans support them? for Thai actors I know that we can donate money for advertisements and whatnot, but idk what to do for GG and DD. do you have any ideas? thank you and sorry if this message isn't very clear, my English is bad today >_<"

Hi new turtle! 💛🐢💛 Your English is just fine. ☺️

Sorry for the delay in replying to this, I've had very little time lately for Tumblr and I'm hopelessly behind on asks!

I know I've talked about this a bit in the past but finding older posts on Tumblr can be insanely difficult, so I'll go over some of my thoughts on this again.

Standard disclaimer: This is my personal opinion, not a list of demands or directives. Everyone gets to decide how they want to engage in fandom. There is absolutely no obligation to do any of these things, and doing these things does not make you a better fan than anyone else. Nor is anyone who is unable to do these things a lesser fan. The primary goal of fandom is to enjoy yourself (without harming others). I encourage each of you to find your own path and hold your head high, and never let anyone dictate your fandom experience or bully you for your choices.

I'm going to focus on things anyone can do without spending a lot of money or investing a huge amount of time. Alongside that I'll give some advice for those who want to take things further, and warn of some things we might want to avoid.

1 ] Be the best people we can be

The number one thing we can do is live our best lives, be the best people we can be, and help make the world a better place.

From a fandom perspective, we should all be striving to represent GG and DD in the best possible light by being a positive example of fandom at its best. Be kind, be compassionate, be open-minded. Don't bully others, don't engage in fan wars, don't trash other artists or fans. Respect other fans, artists and fandoms.

It's also important to think of how best to respect and protect them, and ensure we aren't painting them in a bad light.

Consider all the ways GG and DD inspire us to make the world a better place, and be the kind of person that reflects their goodness. Behave in ways that would make GG and DD proud, and that show turtles to be a positive force in the world.

Spend time with family, work toward our own goals and dreams. Don't over-invest ourselves in being their fan. This is something GG especially has urged fans to do for years and years.

Taking it to the next level

Lead by example and share that message/approach with others (in a kind, non-judgmental way). Do charitable works in their name (even if it's just in your own local area). Support causes that they would appreciate.

Some causes GG and DD have supported in the past: disaster relief, animal welfare, youth organizations that support disadvantaged kids, autism orgs. Consider orgs that help get kids involved in sports and in the arts. Theater and performance orgs as well. Given the nature of this fandom, you might also want to consider supporting queer orgs (there is a list of queer refugee orgs in this post).

I honestly believe that more than any other thing we could do to support them, this would BY FAR make GG and DD the happiest - just knowing that their fans are inspired to do kind things for others. They would be happier knowing our money is helping those in need, rather than being wasted on things we don't really need in some misguided desire to 'support them'.

Stay away from

Never behave cruelly or in a warlike manner toward other fans, artists or fandoms - especially not 'in GGDD's name'. I can't count how many times I've seen hateful people sporting GG or DD-related usernames and avatars invading other people's fandom spaces to attack them.

Don't support the stalker economy, and make sure the material we connect with them is not harmful. More on that here.

Avoid being taken advantage of. Always do your due diligence before giving money to any cause or organization to ensure they are legitimate and reputable.

2 ] Enjoy and promote their works

Another extremely important thing we can do is enjoy their work and show our support with reviews, ratings, and word-of-mouth recommendations. After all, this is the core of what their careers are about, and it's what they put so much hard work into and make so many big sacrifices for.

A list of key projects and how to view can be found here.

Taking it to the next level

Buy subscriptions on platforms where their work is being shown, buy tickets for their films, etc.

If the films are showing in a region you can't travel to, you can still buy tickets for turtles who can't afford to go. Consider organizing group viewings of their work, or helping to spread the word about their projects in other ways.

More suggestions in this post.

Stay away from

Never engage in false reviews, vote manipulation or manipulating view counts. Such behaviors can harm GG and DD and make them look bad.

3 ] Support their brand endorsements

The best way for any fan to do this is to support their brand endorsements on social media with likes, reblogs and gracious, rational, polite comments.

Always be respectful, calm, polite and professional when interacting with brands. Remember that these are professional partners of GG and DD and we should try to show GG and DD in a good light. Our behavior reflects on them.

Taking it to the next level

If it is within our means, we can buy their brand endorsements, but I urge fans to use good judgment and caution when doing so. I have a more detailed post about supporting their brand endorsements here. Bottom line: don't get caught up in spending all your money on things you can't afford or wouldn't have otherwise bought, just because GG and DD are representatives.

If you do decide to explore supporting their endorsements I recommend reading that post because it might give you food for thought, and help you decide where to invest.

Stay away from

Purchase only what you need and will use or gift to others. Never buy anything just to boost numbers. That type of consumer behavior is wasteful and reflects very poorly on GG and DD and can actually backlash harshly against them.

Never engage in sales manipulation behaviors, such as purchasing items to boost sales and then returning them later for a refund. Brands aren’t stupid. They will notice this type of thing and it will factor into how they evaluate GG and DD’s brand performance.

Understand that brands are very skilled at tracking where sales come from, where brand buzz is coming from, etc. It’s not strictly necessary to make any special fanfare about your purchases, and if fan behavior becomes disruptive it can become a negative rather than positive reflection on GGDD.

Never get involved in disruptive fan behavior, regardless of how hard other fans try to instigate you or induce you to do so.

Never spend more than you can afford. GG and DD are both mega-rich, and so are these brands. Have a sense of perspective and self-preservation and realize GG and DD wouldn’t want you to over-extend yourself on their behalf. Brand purchases aren’t even a core aspect of what’s important to their careers, so your impact would be marginal/practically nonexistent anyway.

If you really want a brand to know you support them because of GG or DD, let them know via social media or by contacting them directly. Send them a nice note, mention them in a tweet showing your purchases, or simply thank them for choosing GG or DD - no purchase necessary.

It’s OK to say you are a turtle, just don’t mention CP topics when interacting with brands, and don’t mention GG or DD in interactions with each other’s brands or bring each other’s solo colors into your messages, especially not on Twitter. That will only stir fan wars and cause disruption that the brands will inevitably witness. It’s not a good look.

GG and DD’s projects

BXG, Fan Service and Supporting GGDD

Fandom Survival Guide

BXG Fandom Etiquette

Toxic fans and staying in your own lane

Why fan wars/arguing online is such a bad idea

Why it’s so important for our fandom to behave well online

Protecting GGDD

Again, this is all based on my own opinions and perspectives. It's up to every fan to form their own values and take their own path.

I hope this gives you some ideas, Anon! ☺️

#bjyx #yizhan #fandom reflections #bxg perspectives #ggdd endorsements #ask

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lunebits · 10 months

Text

ap class tips

for those in ap classes who are struggling. also for those who aren't really. whatever.

just as an intro to my qualifications:

i go to a stem high school (will be graduating next sem!) where all the classes are already advanced as is (our ap classes are also taught differently!) i've taken a total of 10 ap classes during my time, and while that isn't as much as others, i'd say i have a pretty good spread of ap classes i took!

general ap class tips

remember that the ultimate goal for you taking this course is to take the exam and get a 4/5 (reach for that 5!). yes, the grade is important, but that score at the end after that exam might save anywhere from $600-$1200+ in college. so focus your energy on that exam once the exams are encroaching!

make friends in your ap classes. trauma bonding is real (/j) so making friends that will help you study or might save you when you accidentally forgot is key.

and while they all say "study a bit every night!" that's hard to do. the rule of thumb here for every class will be in the categorized sections, so don't worry (i gotchu!!)

ap math (calc ab/bc, stat, physics, chem, etc.)

i personally didn't take physics or chem bc i didn't want to, but i did take bc and got a 5 (yes, i'm so proud)!

rule of thumb for studying at home: do your homework everyday and actually take the time to understand what the hell you're doing. understand what the process is behind solving the problem. be able to pull out the variables. practice, practice, practice. also, this is one of those subjects where it's actually worth it to study it at home everyday.

ANOTHER RULE: practice tests. these math exams are about stamina and speed. if you can solve a problem, great! but now here comes 20 more screaming your name. but, if you can get the timing down before your exam, that's even better. so go waste your saturday afternoon at that mock exam if you need to. another saturday will come in time anyway. ask your teacher for mock exams. get that practice workbook. whatever it takes. get the timing in your hand.

just as a quote from my teacher, "life is about choices, and we are all busy people." don't waste your time doing something that'll waste your time. even if you can't remember it, that's okay. just keep moving and score more points somewhere else. and also, do the easy route. only memorize the easy route.

math is about patterns. patterns rule math. extract that pattern out of that problem, memorize it, and you'll be just fine.

FRQS WILL HURT YOUR BRAIN AND THAT'S OKAY! collegeboard has a very specific way it wants you to answer these questions. the best way to learn the format is to do so many frqs your hands hurt. because in any exam that involves math, you genuinely need to do better on the frqs. they'll land you more points. yes, the mcq might get you that 5, but the frqs become the basic 3 or 4 that you need. your teacher will hopefully teach you the format, but if they don't, the collegeboard ap website has all the past frqs they've ever made.

YOU WILL BE OKAY. I PROMISE. make sure that if you cry, you understand your disappointment then move on to a larger action plan.

ap histories/humanities (art history, u.s history, euro, world, etc.)

i've taken all the histories that my school offers (apush, euro, apwh, apah, etc.)

rule of thumb: don't study at home unless there's a test coming up or you're bad at putting stuff in order.

GET YOUR WRITING SKILLS DOWN PAT. this is the thing that'll get you the most points. that mcq section is a killer, but doing 3-6 (looking at you apah exam) right after might just kill you. so please, get your stamina up. just write. just keep writing.

timeline shit for history. because when it comes down to it, knowing the sequence of events and knowing the events themselves are more important than dates or whatever.

if you're worried about coherency in your writing, jot down a small pre-writing list.

memorize every single rubric. luckily, the dbq/leq rubric is the same across apush, apwh, and euro. you'll get away with just memorizing the two. the apah rubric is a little different, and the ap lit rubric is a little different. just memorize them as best you can.

when writing, cater to your reader. make things easy to spot and easy to grade. they'll give you a higher score if they can clearly see where things are.

just practice mcqs. all the stimulus will have something you can pull out of it (unless it's like apah where you're meant to memorize the works). but every question will have an answer that's in the passage. practice finding that answer. (this one is still really hard)

all these tests are tests of stamina. and sometimes, they're on the same goddamn day because collegeboard hates love us. just keep going. grab a snack. rest your eyes, go.

essays are the bane of everyone’s existence in ap courses because you’re on this strict rubric and have this mythical complexity/sophistication point that you need to give your hopes and dreams of achieving. BUT. but. you’ll be okay. especially for exams like the ap lit/apah exam, you get to come in knowing at least a bit of the exam (for ap lit, a good part of the frq weight. for apah, 90% of the test). TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT!! know a novel inside and out. know the works inside and out. you’ll be okay. stretch your hands, breathe, write.

ap sciences (bio, physics, chem, psych, econ)

i've personally taken bio and both econs, but these are all concept based, so the same general tips apply.

rule of thumb: if you don't understand it in class, you need to study it at home asap. seriously. because you sure as hell won’t be able to put it together during class the next day. whats good though is that there’s so many resources online (esp videos!!) for all the ap sciences that it’s actually crazy.

read your textbook. science is great with a textbook in your hand. you don't even need to read the whole thing. just skim through it to add information to your class notes. most times that works.

because the questions are concept based, the mcq/frqs are a little hard to get used to. SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: don’t ignore your responsibilities and learn what these questions look like.

flashcards. USE FLASHCARDS. so much of science is not only understanding concepts but applying them. to apply them, you need to know them by heart. and to know them by heart means flashcards to drill yourself.

and speaking of applying your knowledge, you need to take things slowly. approach questions with this framework: 1) read the problem + understand what concept it’s asking about. 2) pull out that information from your sexy brain. 3) solve the problem based on what you can remember. to truly understand, include a lot of examples in your notes. AND MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY AND HOW THEY WORK. the why and the how are more important than the what.

misc tips 🌷

burnout is inevitable if you don’t manage your time correctly. there’s people online that can explain how to manage your energy more than me so please go watch them instead lmfao

try your best to stay on your schedule. the more you push your tasks to this arbitrary tomorrow, the more you absolutely won’t do them.

honey, you need to bring a snack and a water bottle to those exams, you get like a 10 minute break that isn’t enough for the mental taxation (without representation) that happens on those exams. they’re brutal.

the classes themselves are not as bad you think. i promise. most of the time, you’ll actually have fun. and it’s really cool to be learning at a college level. so keep at it! the moment you hate something, the moment you begin to stop trying as hard and your grades start slipping. keep finding the next thing to delude yourself into enjoying (/hj).

#ap exams #ap classes #ap euro #ap bio #ap world history #apush me off a cliff #ap us history #ap art history #ap art history my love #i’m serious i loved apah sm #i didn’t take ap physics that’s a problem for later #study tips #ap literature #ap gov

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aimmyarrowshigh · 3 days

Note

14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?

Complain a lil bit at me. I love me some complaining. Brains are the absolute worst, honestly, there has to be a better way to have a consciousness.

GAH, well, since you asked for complaining, haha...

I HAD written all of Lent From Tomorrow. Or, well. I had written fully-fully the first 3/4 of it and had a robust outline and chunklets in the last quarter. So I felt safe to start posting it. I KNOW myself. I am BAD at posting WIPs. I am bad at it. My track record of my entire life illustrates this.

So I started posting it and things were going swimmingly! "Yes!" I told myself. "I'm successfully posting a WIP!"

But then I pulled a WandaVision and went, "oh, dear, everyone consuming this story figured out my red herrings much faster than anticipated, I must CHANGE THE STORY" but not in a "screw the audience over" way like WandaVision, just in a "this reveal comes much sooner than I had written, because otherwise I'm worried it will come across like beating a dead horse to keep dropping hints when y'all already know."

So... that completely undid the back HALF of the story, and I started writing it chapter-by-chapter as I posted, and I was doing okay. It wasn't the weekly update schedule I'd had with the prewritten chapters, but that's fine. It's fanfiction. People go years without updating sometimes, especially me, because I AM BAD AT WIPS. But it was still going okay!

And then April and May happened, and I'm ngl, literally every day of April, something cartoonishly horrible happened in my real life and I did not write a word for the entire month. Or do much of anything. I don't even think I read any comic books. I did zero. And then May was... not much better. Like, maybe something cartoonishly horrible happened every three days instead of every day, but it was still way too much.

I actually wrote more in May than I've written in that same time span since 2024 started, which I'm really proud of myself for -- I wrote 14,000 words (plus like 800 words of unpostable noodling) in three weeks, and that's not, like, Impressive or Enough but it's better than I've been able to produce in a while. I told myself just focus on the drabbles and tiny ficlets that were coming out of the prompt/pairing list I'd set up for myself for MLMay, and I tried not to freak myself out, and words happened, and it was nice! And then the last week of May also happened and we're back to Very Bad Brain Times.

So... I know what happens in the last quarter of Lent. I WANT to be writing it. But my brain is just not "together" enough right now to slip into the mindset for such a heavy-duty, plotty, researchy, emotional longfic, and I'm just spiraling and making myself feel even worse by getting more and more anxious about how long it's taking me to write it.

I know, logically, that it's not a huge deal. If people are gonna stick around to read what comes next, they will, and if they don't, they don't, and that's fine. That's how posting serial fiction works. I mean, that's even how TV used to work in the before-streaming times, and it's not like I worried about the feelings of a showrunner if I got behind on a show or decided it went somewhere I didn't care to follow. That's just serialized art! It's fine! I know logically that it's fine!

But reader, Emotionally, It Is Not Fine. I love this story so much, and I'm so invested in actually finishing something for once and I've stupidly pinned like... a lot of my beliefs about my Worth As A Person on "whether I can finish and successfully post an entire longfic," which, I get it, that in itself is not the biggest issue at play here, but whatever. Baby steps. And I just... it sounds so stupid. And I KNOW that it's small potatoes.

I just want people to like it.*

And I know that every passing day that I don't update, fewer people are going to read it and/or like it, and that also feeds the Bad Brain Spiral. And I don't know.

So tl;dr, the most frustrating part of writing this chapter is myself? I guess????

*Before anyone jumps in to whine about and/or laugh at this statement, I'm not saying "I want it to be a stucky fandom classic," or anything ridiculous like that. I literally just mean that I want the people who choose to read it to enjoy it enough to finish it and maybe have an emotionally positive experience from reading it.

**I also feel very. This is another dumb complaint that I know won't come across right, because internet, but -- I feel very like... separated from stucky fandom (in part because I'm a newer fan who came to the fandom after its heyday, in part because I don't like a lot of currently-popular fanons, in part because I am way too shy for Discord?) and I feel bad bugging uninterested people with thoughts/feelings about my own stories, so I've kind of just... stoppered up my excitement for this story for a long time. Also, an asshole ex-friend of mine straight-up told me that "stuckies are going to hate it because there isn't enough sex and it's really boring for being a fic, especially since it's Steve POV and not Bucky POV" and that just kind of made me feel like. I couldn't squee about the story. And it's HARD to write longfic and not feel like you can share it with people??? IDK. Stuff and thoughts. Whatever. etc.

#fanfiction ask meme #fandom #fanfiction #my fic #lent from tomorrow (today was too small for us)

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chaos-and-ink · 10 days

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My Pinned Post

- artist/writer // physically and mentally disabled // agender, asexual, demiromantic // POTS // hEDS // MCAS // bipolar // autistic // transracial adoptee -

- i'm an absolute mess and my blog really shows it -

People call me Chaos or Rye. I'm a disabled artist and writer who dabbles in the Marvel fandom and loves to make stickers and prints. I used to primarily be a Marvel blog but I do whatever now!

Information on my shop, tagging, fanfictions, art, commissions, fandoms and more below the cut!

Shop/Commissions

Currently I don't have my shop/commissions opened due to a busy schedule. I hope to open them this summer around June though so hold onto that! You can follow my page on Ko-Fi and it'll send you an email update when I do open my shop again, I highly recommend doing this so you don't miss out!

Ko-Fi Link

Tagging System

I mostly focus on either Marvel/fanfcitions, or disability and chronic illnesses. You can check this list for the best way to filter my tags to see what you want!

Rye Rambles = All unrelated original posts. Feel free to filter this out. Rye Draws = My artwork! Includes fanart and original illustrations and designs. Ryes Shop = This tag will have everything related to my shop where you can buy commissions, stickers, art, etc! Ask Box = All ask box questions will be tagged here for easy access. I play a lot of ask box games so feel free to filter this out too if you'd like.

Fandom Related = Things relating to fandoms. Feel free to filter this out if you're not interested.

Chronically Suffering = All content relating to being disabled/my journey with my disabilities and educating resources. Mentally Suffering = All content relating to be my mental disorders and mental health. This can include triggering themes like SH, SA, SI, and more.

Vent Post = Potentially triggering posts when I need to just let things out and treat tumblr like my journal. Vent Art = Expressive art that I create to vent my emotions and feelings. These pieces can contain triggering topics but I do my best to tag them. Poetry But Not Really = All of my poems and thoughts. Home Is With You = My tag for my gf so I can sort things

Ask Box

Ask box is always open. I absolutely adore getting asks. Please send me questions you have about my writing or my art. I love answering questions and talking to people. They really do make my day so much better.

Fan Fictions

I'm currently writing three fanfics on AO3. You Watched Me Burn and As Stable As Water are angst filled fics. But Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away is a disability heavy fanfiction with a lot of fluff! Go check them out if you'd like. I'm really quite proud of them and I appreciate all comments and kudos.

Regarding my fanfictions, you can find visuals, updates, links, fanart, questions and answers to writing games pertaining to them and more through each of their titles in my tags. You Watched Me Burn As Stable As Water Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

#pinned post #intro post #introduction #pinned intro

7 notes · View notes

laurasauras · 2 months

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3,20,38

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

whenever i find myself thinking like this, it usually prompts me to go, okay, so how do i make it work.

the easy example is hanahaki--it's always been a trope that's annoyed me because it feels like weaponised victimhood and i couldn't get past how shitty the target of hanahaki would feel. so one day i come across it and i get to thinking, okay smartass, you do it better then! and from that i wrote two fics and an rp about characters who got hanahaki for people they both really didn't want to have it for and who couldn't have the surgery. i wanted to see what it'd be like if i gave it the highest stakes i could think of, and i think Excise My Broken Heart (unrequited daverose) is one of the best things i've written

in terms of ones i haven't done and really can't see myself doing though, pregnancy freaks me the fuck out so i don't think i could write anything more detailed than a tacky gender reveal party without getting squicked. and despite using 2nd person constantly due to the homestuck of it all, i find y/n fics to be tooooo ... idk directed? i don't have a problem with people reading my fics and getting off or with getting off while imagining themselves as the characters, but i'm not writing to get people off. not my cuppa tea! even in my porniest you better believe there's a character observation i'm proud of making!

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

okay so when i want to write i make myself a cup of tea/milo or boozy beverage of my choice, get in comfy clothes and sit where i always sit (my armchair, probably cross-legged) with all the things that give off notifications exited out of so i can't see the (1) of it all. i'm not hungry, i've taken my meds and i've had a shower recently enough that i'm not distracted by hygiene

when i need to write, same thing except i'm listening to Alive 2007, daft punk's live album where they mash up a bunch of their songs. it is magic for making me focus

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

one that i still think about is from Yet Another Crisis, where roxy is making her bad mental health everyone else's problem as well, which was a vent fic about my brother acting out before anyone knew he was trans. a commenter said that it really resonated with them, i shared the inspiration and they were like welp, that's why it resonated! they said, "I suspect I'm going to end up sharing this fic with my therapist, and maybe even my mother someday when she's ready to listen" and i will never stop thinking about how something i wrote was meaningful enough that someone feels that by sharing it, they can be known better. nothing tops that!

i actually keep a doc (that i always forget to update) with comments that have particularly made me smile. i'm fortunate enough to get a lot and i treasure them all, but some of them deserve to be squirreled away for days when i need to be reminded that my art has impact on people and by doing something i love, i have brought happiness (and a whole bunch of other emotions) to wonderful people 💛

#ask game

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meanbossart · 6 months

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hi. I'm a huge fan of your work. I've been following you since before sad sack even came out. I was around for the very first teasers of it. I am very young... definitely i was too young to be reading sad sack when I was. but I'm an adult now so whatever, harm done. I'm a novelist. you are really one of my greatest artistic inspirations.

I guess my question that I want to say is... how do you finish stories? I have a million started but I always get this horrible voice in my head telling me that it's not worth it to finish, that the next project I do will be better, but I know I'm at the point in my journey where I need to just get something done. how do you do it? do I just need time? do I need to get a little older? do I need to keep failing until I succeed?

thank you so much for everything that you've done, your art brings me so much joy and comfort. many, many times your comics have made me feel like I wasn't alone. please keep doing what you're doing, because I love it, just for me lol.

Hey! This has sat in my inbox for a while i know, to be completely honest it just never feels great to know someone was exposed to my adult work before they should have been, and it can feel like im walking a tenuous line in acknowledging that it happens and not... Doing something about it? Though im not sure what that something would be. I will take your word for it that you are an adult now and as you said, the harm was already done. Im not happy about it but nothing can be done about it now i guess.

I do sincerely appreciate your kind words about mine and Nick's work and I'm glad it's brought you joy, and i hope you were always able to enjoy it with a critical eye too.

As for your question, there is truly no easy answer there or A to B guide that will get you past this hurdle - some people work on years and years on the same thing before releasing it, other's just pump their first work to get it out of the way and while it may not be great, at least its done. Regardless, once you get one thing finished, you will come to realize that its easy to finish others, too. I think regardless of what you do though, you will never look back on your very first work and be happy with it, so its my personal opinion that while you should do your best, you should make peace with the fact that it will not be your best, and that's okay.

As for what I would personally do? Pick something, something short, and something fresh, dont start with that massive story you've been workshopping for 15 years. Start with something you can whip up in a year at the VERY most, something you are currently passionate about, something that interests you right this second. Draft it as quick as you can so you know how it starts and how it ends, and then set yourself up with a schedule to finish it - you don't have to abide by it 100%, but if you give yourself all the time in the world to work on it, you might end up taking up your own offer. If you have a deadline, even if made up, you will have to force yourself to move on when you come across something you aren't entirely happy with instead of becoming stuck on it for days, frustrated, and then proceeding to abandon it as you might have done before. I repeat - you will never be entirely happy with how your first work turns out. So focus on being passionate, proud, and absolutely committed to making it happen at all, instead.

I hope this has helped you at all, im both sorry that you ended up looking at our nasty stuff before you should have and also, again, genuinely glad you find inspiration in it now as a grown person. I wish you the best of luck in your journey as a creator!

#ask #advice

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chaotic-on-main · 10 months

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Summer Event! 💕

Matcha Green Tea Ice Cream,

Kitchen Sink option but make it a surprise!

Thank you for being so understanding & sweet, I get really anxious if you can't tell haha. You're a dear💕✨

Order up!! One matcha green tea cone with everything but the kitchen sink for Eri!!

Sky's Summer and 250 Follower Event!

☾ Pairings ➼ janitor!Levi Ackerman x fem!people-pleaser!Reader

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ modernAU, meet-cute(kinda?), familial trauma, hurt/comfort, fluff, accidental therapy (for me), corporate ick

☾ Author's Note ➼ Hi Eri!! Thank you so much for sending this request in. I was a little worried with the whole "make it a surprise" because I struggle with lack of structure BUT I'm so proud of how this came out. I couldn't stop writing, as you can see. This might be a little self-indulgent and I hope I got the emotions right since I struggle with them. I just want Levi to call me out on my shit, okay?? Anyways, I hope you enjoy!! love you k bye *smooches*

☾ Word Count ➼ ~7.6k (oops)

“Hi, you’re the new hire right? It’s nice to meet you, I’m Carol from a few rows down. Listen, I hate to do this to you since you’re so new but you’re the only one I can ask. Would you be able to do the data entry on the Sina job? I can’t stay past closing tonight due to my set plans and unfortunately it’s due tomorrow morning. Could you help me out? I’ll pay you back!”

The voice of your overly excited brunette coworker reverberates through your skull as you type away at your desk, the bright light of your monitor biting at your eyes just like the migraine you feel in the back of your head. You had a feeling that this is not the first time the people in the office have picked on the newcomers, and you bet it wouldn’t be the last. You chalk it up the fact that you were still in the office past seven in the evening doing someone else’s work because they dropped the stack of papers on your desk before you could say anything back, but you knew better. Damn your pathological people pleasing tendencies.

Your chair squeaks as you lean back in it, closing your eyes and pinching the bridge of your nose as you sigh heavily. It’s a handful of days into your first week and you’re already daydreaming about your next vacation. An office job was not your first go to, but as all struggling artists do, you needed this job to supplement your income until your art took off – if that ever happened.

Thoughts of how much longer you’d have to be here swirl through your mind when you’re interrupted by a loud thunk a few cubicles down. It startles you so much that you jump up as your eyes shoot open, hand over your heart in an attempt to calm it. You weren’t aware of anyone else in the building so you can’t help but think there might be a mass murderer just feet away from you. Steeling your resolve, you push yourself up from your chair and carefully peek over the half wall to see what had made that noise.

At first you don’t see anything as your eyes adjust from seeing nothing to the semi-lit office floor from the setting sun and dimmed overheads. Down the row, you see the back of a man in what you assume to be a gray janitor’s suit. An undercut peeks between short raven locks, neck lines sharp giving away to a clean cut. It doesn’t seem like he notices you’re there as his attention is focused on the waste basket in front of him.

You sit back down slowly, heaving a heavy sigh from relief that it was indeed not a mass murderer – well, that you know of. He didn’t seem threatening from far away at least. Your hands hover on the keyboard as you do your best to blink away the tired. Only a few more pages now, you reassure yourself.

An hour later, miraculously you find yourself down to the last page. The miscellaneous words and numbers swim off the page as you force yourself to focus. With the promise of a late night treat, you finally make it down to the last line. Just as you’re about to hit ‘enter’, something kicks the back of your chair causing you to yelp loudly and slam down on the keys harder than you meant.

“What are you still doing here?” A deep voice grumbles from behind you, making your ears twitch at the sudden volume difference. You twist around in your chair to see who the voice belongs to and you’re surprised to see it coming from the janitor you saw earlier. What’s even more surprising is how young he looks, and handsome to boot - despite the look he’s giving you. Stark gray-blue lidded eyes stare down at you as he scowls, eyebrows pinched together. He doesn’t look pleased.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m working on some…” Your voice falters when his expression turns into annoyance.

“You’re in my way.” He simply states as he leans against a vacuum you only now notice sitting under his arm. Was your focus so strong that you completely missed the sounds of him cleaning around you?

“Oh, uh. Yeah, let me get out of your way then.” You say timidly, pushing yourself out of the chair. You’re face to face with him at standing height, even in your work heels. This was a very intimidating man despite his short stature.

“I’m not going to clean with you breathing down my neck.” He grumbles, eyes narrowing at you like you asked him the most offensive question known to man. Your lips part as you struggle to find your words, but nothing comes out as you find yourself low-key panicking.

“I c-can just-”

“Just finish what you’re working on, I’ll just come back.” He rolls his eyes before walking away, leaving you and the vacuum illuminated by your computer screen. You ball your hands in fists to keep them from shaking.

Exhaling a weak breath, you sit back down and force yourself to focus on the last line of data instead of the glowering expression of your office’s janitor.

You slam your forehead into the vinyl coating of your desk, not hard enough to leave a bruise but enough to hear the echoes of contact through the whole floor. It’s nearing seven at night again and you’re still in office catching up on yet another coworker’s workload.

When they asked what plans you had tonight, you didn’t think that saying you were going home to watch TV would bite you in the ass. If you were completely honest, you had quietly hoped they might be asking if you wanted to go out for drinks with them. After all, they were the only ones that had really talked to you in the past few weeks but you’re starting to wonder if they were just trying to butter you up to get you to say yes to their requests.

Who were you kidding though, you would have said yes anyways because the word ‘no’ didn’t exist in your vocabulary. You wish you weren’t so aware of that fact because not only are you stressed out, you’re full of self loathing. A groan escapes your lips.

“Still doing other people’s work?” You hear a familiar voice grumble from behind.

After lifting your head up from the cool desk, you swivel around in your chair to see the janitor – this time in dark blue. A white handkerchief wraps around his face, covering his mouth and nose so that all you see are his tired eyes. A same-colored bandana adorns his head with some of his bangs falling into his eyes. You bite your tongue to keep yourself from asking what the point of the bandana was if it didn’t keep his hair out of his face.

It takes you a moment to find your voice, partly from not using it for so long but also because of the steady unfriendly feeling radiating off him. He raises an eyebrow at you as you stare up at him almost dumbfounded.

“I- who said I was doing other people’s work?” You finally make out, voice trembling.

“You’re new, right? The office goons do that to every newbie that comes in.” He folds his arms over his chest and you see that his sleeves are rolled up to show his toned forearms, muscles popping up from the position they’re in. Your eyes flicker back up to his, blinking slowly.

“I’m sure but they needed the help, so...”

“Because they would rather slack off than do any work. They’re taking advantage of you and you’re falling for it? You’re an adult, right?” There isn’t malice in his words but they still sting.

“Of course I am! I work here, don’t I?” Your eyes widen in emphasis, sweeping your hands around you.

“Tch, that doesn’t make you an adult. I’ve been here for years and I’ve seen my fair share of children.” His scowl reappears at those words. You’ve never met someone so grumpy.

You close your mouth at that, not sure what else to say. He clicks his tongue and flips a small towel over his shoulder. Turning on his heel, he sets off down the aisle without another word, the sounds of his heavy boots getting quieter.

You don’t get done until 10:30 that night. On your way out, you pass by the janitor who was currently on the inside of the board meeting glass walls, wiping them down with what you suppose is glass cleaner. His eyes meet yours as you walk by and you offer a small wave and smile even though his short words still sting. You think he’s going to ignore you but instead, he gives you a curt nod.

The janitor’s words swim through your mind the next time you’re asked to stay behind to help out. You spent the last couple of weeks doing your best practicing in the shower on setting boundaries with your coworkers but when the person who came to you next was your supervisor, how could you say no.

You were in the middle of packing your bag while lost in thought of your weekend plans when she came to you. You’re thinking you might stop by the evening market by the river before heading home with some food from the local vendors when a finger taps on your shoulder followed by your name coming out in a honey-laced voice.

“Hey, I just wanted to stop by and commend you on being such a team player in the last month. It’s something we find rare in someone as young as you and of course we’re grateful.” Your red-haired boss beams down at you while she talks. The feeling of ice pricks in your veins at what you know was coming next.

“I’m really sorry to come to you so last minute and on a Friday no less, but because of your wonderful work ethic, you’re the only one I can trust to complete The Warrior Project. It’s been extremely slow going and we need it done by Monday. Do you think you can stay behind and help us out?” She offers you an apologetic smile, eyes boring into yours with sincerity.

You wished you could have said no but the words died before they made it out of your mouth, instead agreeing meekly with a fake smile.

So now here you sit at your desk with the dying rays of light rising higher against the back walls as the sun sets, fingers flying across the keyboard. You suppose you’ll have to stop by the late night convenience store on the way home for some dinner; your face scrunches up at the thought of your very limited choices.

“If you type any harder, you’ll break it.” You don’t bother to turn around at the voice, knowing damn well who it was.

“I’m sure they’ll get me another one. They need me to finish this, after all.” You mutter the last part under your breath. The smell of something sweet and tangy hits your nose and on contact, your stomach rumbles loudly.

Swiveling in your chair, you’re met with the janitor who’s simultaneously holding a feather duster as well as a bag of what looks like Chinese take-out. Your eyes widen at the sight, bouncing back and forth between the objects in his hand.

“Are you here to eat or dust?” You ask, finally looking up to his face. There’s no expression on his pretty face. You still haven’t gotten over how stunning he was, with his pointed nose and pouty bottom lip. Today he has his janitor uniform half on, the sleeves of the suit tied around his waist so that it’s only pants. Tucked in is a black t-shirt that shows more of his muscular arms. He’s not ripped by any means but it’s very obvious he exercises on his time off.

“I’m here to dust. This is for you to eat.” He says dryly, shoving the bag in your direction. Once again, you find your words stolen as you stare at the brown paper bag that sits curled in his pale fingers. Your eyes shift back and forth between his face and the food.

“F-for me? Why?”

“Whenever I see you here late, you never eat. You need to take better care of yourself.”

“I eat when I get home.” You retort back softly. A late night meal for you consists of a single serving bag of chips and whatever looked edible at the convenience store – but you wouldn’t tell him that.

“Just eat it.” He pushes it forward to you again, the warm smells of food wafting past your nose. It smelled like heaven.

“I- no. I can’t take that, it’s yours!” You wave your hands in front of your chest in a dismissive manner. A dark eyebrow shoots up his face.

“So she can say no.” He reaches over you and places the paper bag down on your desk. Along with the smells of delicious food, the scent of clean laundry and musky pine tickles your nose. It’s a very pleasant combination, and one you were not expecting. “Eat it, throw it away, I don’t care.” He says casually before turning around and walking off. Your hand reaches out in an attempt to stop him, but he’s long gone.

Twisting your chair around, you eye the paper bag for a moment before finally caving. Your stomach is about to eat itself and he had paid for it, so you don’t want to waste it. Why he would care enough about you to order food is a mystery, though.

Upon opening the contents, you’re greeted with a small foil dish with a plastic covering holding what you believe is orange chicken. A little white box off to the side contains sticky rice and in the little plastic package next to it holds some spring rolls – all still steaming hot and smelling wonderful.

You spend the next half hour scarfing down your dinner while thinking about how you’d pay the janitor back. The flush that started creeping up your cheeks at the end of your encounter with him stays even when you go to bed late that night.

The week after, you intentionally slow down on your daily work so that you had a reason to stay late and finish it. But much to your dismay, you don’t see the janitor anywhere. You’d leave each night a little embarrassed at yourself for being so excited for someone you’ve talked to a handful of times, but to your benefit you had a reason for your madness.

Finally, you gather enough courage to peep your head over your half-wall and grab your coworker’s attention – whose attention was on a mobile game in his hands and not on the spreadsheets in front of his face.

“Ryan?” You whisper-shout down. Your brunette coworker’s eyes shoot up to yours, almost in a panic.

“What? Is the boss lady making her rounds?” He asks back. You sweep your eyes around the office floor and finally find your supervisor who was currently in a meeting with other board members.

“She’s busy, you’re fine. I actually had a question?” You didn’t realize how soft you were speaking until he stood up to meet you, towering a good foot above you with his ear down to you.

“What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you knew when the janitor might be back? I haven’t seen him in a few days.” You subconsciously start picking at your nails – a nervous habit.

Ryan stares at you as he processes your words before throwing his head back in bellowing laughter. You’re quick to shush him and duck your head down from the glares aimed your way at such a loud disturbance.

“Not so loud!!” You whisper-shout again.

“I’m sorry, I’m just curious why you want to know? He doesn’t like anyone, and no one likes him.” He shrugs his shoulders. You so badly want to tell him to shut up and that you like him, but instead you settle on trying to get him to answer your question.

“Well, what’s his schedule?” You narrow your eyes in hopes of getting the message across that you were serious.

“Well, that’s the thing, he’s always working. Sometimes even on the weekends. From what I heard, his cleaning routes are the same every week. He doesn’t get to our floor until late in the week. He has a thing for cleaning, so I heard, and that’s why there’s only one janitor contracted. He’s so weird.” Ryan rolls his eyes as he rests his chin against the top of the wall.

“What’s his name?”

“Why do you care so much about the janitor?” It’s Ryan’s turn to narrow his eyes to you. You’re asking too many questions and he’s getting far too nosy about your business. It’s best to retreat for now.

“Uh, it’s nothing. Thank you.” You squeak before plopping yourself down at your chair and pretending to click around on your word documents until you no longer feel the pierce of your coworker’s stare.

So he’s always here, you think. You’re just missing him on your way down. You bite back a smile as you glance down to the clock at the bottom corner of your screen. The time reads 4:37pm and it’s a Thursday which meant that he would be around your floor this evening. Perfect. Your eyes sweep over to your bag in your excitement.

In the time it takes for you to wait for the gray-blue eyed janitor, you’ve finished half of the next day’s work. A part of you starts to wonder if he isn’t coming tonight, that it may be tomorrow instead, and weirdly you find yourself hoping one of your coworkers would ask you to help them out again so that you had a reason to stay.

“That’s so stupid.” You say out loud as you stir sugar into the black tea you had spent the last 5 minutes steeping. You’re standing in the office break room, lost in thought.

“I’m sure the mug doesn’t feel that way.” That voice makes your heart flutter, and you bite back the smile that threatens to curve into your face. Instead, you pinch your lips together and turn around.

The janitor is there alright, uniform zipped up tight as he holds a spray bottle and a rag. He’s leaning against the doorframe of the break room, arms folded across his chest. His black hair falls into his face, almost kissing the corners of his heavy-lidded eyes as they watch you intently.

“Ah, there you are!” You exclaim, pointing your spoon at him.

“Here I am.”

“I have something to give you as payback for dinner last week.” You muse, grinning at him. His eyes widened briefly before going back to normal.

“And why would you do that?”

“Because I’m grateful for it, dummy.” Carefully, you place your spoon next to your mug and walk towards him until you’re face to face. It takes him a moment to realize you were waiting for him to move, and carefully he backs away so that you have room to escape.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back.” You order before dashing off to your cubicle.

When you come back with the gift in hand, you see that the janitor hadn’t moved an inch. His intimidating eyes follow you as you stop in front of him, slightly breathless from speed walking back. An eyebrow raises at you as he waits for you to catch your breath.

“I-ah. Okay. So. I made these for you. I ended up having to make a fresh batch because I didn’t see you for a bit and I didn’t want to feed you stale cookies so. Anyways, here. Thank you for feeding me last week.” You beam up at him as you hold your hands out to show him your gift.

It’s a small plastic bag wrapped with a pastel bow. The contents of the bag include bite sized cookies that you spent all last night remaking in hopes you would see him again. They’re pale yellow in color, dusted with a light coat of cane sugar. His eyes widen again at your gesture, this time staying big as they stare at the bag in your hand like its gold.

“You… made these for me?” His voice is low.

“I did! I don’t know if you like sweets but these are my mother’s recipe and her cookies were never that sweet. Pretty much the sweetness comes from the sugar on top. The rest are just buttery goodness.” You gush as you stare off in thought, the happy memories of your mom making these cookies for you flooding your brain.

When your eyes fall back to the raven-haired man, you’re almost tempted to run away in embarrassment. His neutral expression stares back at you and you take a small step back.

“I’m sorry, this is probably weird. You don’t have to take them actually. In fact, I’ll just le-“

“No, you’re fine. I uh, I appreciate it.” He quickly reaches out and grabs the bag, the sound of crinkling plastic taking up space in the nearly empty mess room. You offer him a small smile, grateful that he accepted the gift. His eyes trail past you and onto the kitchen counter behind you. He purses his lips as he thinks but finally opens his mouth to speak.

“Pour that disgusting excuse for a tea out and follow me. Bring the mug.” He says tersely before turning on his heels and out the door. You blink hard a few times as your brain processes his words but quickly you find yourself dumping out the tea and chasing after him down the cubicle aisles.

Soon, you’re sitting on the ground with the janitor as he pours steaming amber liquid from the thermos he pulled out of his cleaning cart just mere moments ago. It splashes into the bottom of your mug and fills it quickly, then he hands it over to you as he starts speaking.

“So are you a workaholic or…” He gives you a side eye.

“I should be asking you that. I’ve been told you work practically every day, even on weekends.” You hold the mug by the handle as you stare down into the cup. “Is this…?”

“It’s tea and no I didn’t poison it.”

“What was wrong with the tea I had?”

“Stale tea leaves don’t make for a good cup of tea.” He states like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “No, I’m not a workaholic. I like to clean, and I get paid for it. Plus, I’m left alone. Usually.” He grumbles the last part, but you don’t detect any hostility in his voice.

“Well, I’m not either. A-a workaholic, I mean.”

“No, I suppose not. Just a people pleaser then?” His statement makes you splutter on the tea you had just sipped on. Despite it going almost everywhere, the bitter taste of the dark leaves bite at your taste buds. It’s unsweetened and you can’t keep the slight look of distaste off your face. Luckily, it’s covered up by the glare you shoot his way.

You don’t say anything back at that, knowing any denial would have been a lie but you didn’t want to confirm it either. However, you can’t hold back the annoyance that simmers in your chest at such a presumptuous statement, from someone you hardly know, no less.

“Beats being disliked by everyone.” You mutter finally, setting your mug on the floor next to you. Your eyes drift to the floor-to-ceiling window you were both sitting in front of. The last dreg of golden sunlight warms your face as you stare out into the bustling city as they prepare for the evening.

“You say that like it should bother me.”

“Shouldn’t it though?”

“Why would it?”

“Don’t you want people to like you?” You whisper softly, dragging your gaze over to his face. There’s no readable expression on his face as he sips his tea out of the top of his thermos lid. He’s holding it in a way you’ve never seen before – long fingers gripping the metal from the top rim and tilting it back into his mouth.

“I don’t give a shit if they like me or not.” He says finally as he gives you a side eye.

You’re not sure if your surprise at his callous attitude is warranted or not. Your interactions with him have been few and far in between but that night he got you dinner, you thought maybe he was a little more caring than that.

“Why do you care if people like you anyway?” He leans back on a hand, his other cradling his cup.

“I just- well. I don’t know.” You say simply. You do know.

“I read this thing about people-pleasers. It said that they’re great manipulators. They bend and break just so that others tolerate and like them, pretending to be something they’re not. Are you trying to get something out of it?”

Your eyes snap to his, feeling the heat behind your stare at his insinuation. Where did he get off calling you a manipulator? A pretender? Despite the subtle rage dancing in your eyes, you give him a smile and push yourself off the ground, grabbing your mug on your way up.

“Thank you for the tea. I really must be going now.” You say politely, voice coming out higher than you meant.

“Tch.” Is all you get back.

With that, you turn on your heel and head back to the break room to pour your tea out and rinse the mug, leaving it out on the rack to dry. You’re quick to gather your things before practically running down the aisles to the elevator, down to the front door, and towards home. A lump in your throat stays even after your shower and still when you lie down for the night.

After your last encounter with the janitor, you find that you’re rushing home as soon as you can. You aren’t necessarily mad at him for telling you a hard truth, but the rumination of having someone being annoyed at you doesn’t go away.

Your evasive tactics work for a while. Your office was in between projects and jobs so no one had come to you for help for anything. But of course that didn’t stay that way for long and your luck would run out as it always had as the quarter was about to close. Your supervisor came to you early on a rainy Tuesday morning to tell you that some freak accident had happened to the last reports which made the data you spent days organizing completely disappear.

You don’t know what was more frustrating: the fact that your hard work from the last week had completely vanished or the fact that no one in the office offered to give a helping hand when you needed it the most.

Your supervisor apologized and said the entries needed to be done by the next morning so they could be submitted in time for the quarter review. With a forced smile and false-positive voice, you agreed and got started on it right away.

This was about 12 hours ago.

The only thing that brings you solace is the knowledge that the janitor was not due for your floor for a couple days so at least you could work on it without worrying about running into him. And thankfully for you since you were semi-prepared for being held back, you ordered pizza for dinner before the front doors locked for the evening.

For some reason, you find yourself sitting on the floor in the same spot you had shared bitter tea with the janitor. You’re lying on your back with your phone hovering as you scroll on it mindlessly, a more than half filled pizza box next to you with the lid propped open slightly. There’s a vacation photo that pops up from one of your acquaintances that makes your chest tighten from envy.

“You’re in my way, brat.” A voice from above rings out. It startles you so much that your fingers loosen on your phone, and it comes smacking into your face with a loud slap. Your eyes scrunch shut from the stinging pain radiating from your nose as you groan softly.

You sit up from your position, making sure to grab your phone before it falls on the ground, and turn to narrow your eyes at the perpetually scowling janitor. You hear a subtle pop in your back as you do.

“What are you doing here?” Your voice comes out more accusatory than you meant, and you end up clearing your throat before giving him a forced smile.

“I’m working. That’s more than I can say for you.”

“You’re not supposed to be on this floor today.”

“Says who?” An eyebrow quirks at your statement.

The words die on your tongue because even you knew that one person’s word was not enough to be reliable. You reach over to close the pizza box and gather your things to leave. He doesn’t say anything and only stares while you push yourself up onto your feet.

“I’ll just get out of your way, then.” You mumble, bending down to grab the pizza box in one hand and your empty cup in the other. As you brush past him, you can’t help but wonder if he’s still mad at you, though you can’t logically find a reason why he would be mad in the first place. And if he was, then what did you do? These thoughts are jarred as a vibration in your back pocket alerts you to a notification. Upon more buzzes and the start of your soft ringtone, you realize it’s a phone call.

Stepping over to the nearest desk, you set your stuff down and pull out your phone. On the screen is the caller ID for your mom, her faux-happy face staring straight at you as the lights around it pulse. You don’t fight the grimace that etches into your features. Hitting the green button, you regret it immediately.

“Hi mom!” You exclaim, forcing another smile on your lips.

“There you are! I really thought you had died on us.”

“Of course, I’m not dead. Just busy!” You state happily, turning around to face the windows again. A relieved sigh escapes when you notice the janitor is no longer standing where he was.

“You should call us more. You know I was talking to our neighbor about you recently! Remember Donna and her kids? Apparently her youngest just got engaged. And it got me thinking…” Your mother’s words trail off as your eyes glaze over. Your pulse is steadily picking up speed with every word, and you grip the edge of the desk tightly to keep yourself grounded.

“Anyways, both of your sisters are coming to visit with their little families. When are you planning to come by? It would be nice to have everyone home again. Maybe this time with a man on your arm?”

“Oh, I don’t know, mom. I just started here, so getting the time off will be a little hard to do right away. But I will ask my supervisor, and see? I want to see everyone too.” Your voice wavers a little as the muscles in your face start to hurt from your smile.

“Your grandmother is asking about you, you know. I had to come up with some excuse about why you’re so far away, and single no less.”

“I’m working on it. I’ll give her a call soon.” Tears prick in the corners of your eyes.

“Well, I’m sure you are, honey. Oh, your little sister is calling, I need to go. Please call us more!” And just like that, the line goes silent as she hangs up.

“I’ll call tomorrow, I guess.” You whisper down at the blank screen. Setting your phone down, you press the heels of your palms into your eyes to get rid of the wetness that threatens to overflow. You practically feel your heart beating right out of your chest as your mom’s words float around your head.

“I see where it comes from now.” The janitor’s deep voice comes from the right of you. When you pull your hands away to look at him, he’s holding out a steaming mug to you. Hesitantly, you take it. The color of the liquid is lighter in color and smells slightly floral. A mile’s difference from the last thing he shared with you.

“Where what comes from?” You mutter before bringing the cup to your lips. It’s hot but not unbearably so. The taste is gentle and has a touch of sweetness to it. It’s pleasant, and not something you were expecting.

“Your people-pleasing tendencies.” He leans against the half wall next to him as he eyes you.

“Please do enlighten me, as I’m not sure what you’re getting at.” You reply back in a monotone voice. You were tired in more ways than one. Slaving away at this project that you were only 80% done with. Staying late, lack of sleep, and now your mother calling. You were tired and you can’t mask anymore.

“Let me guess.” He raises his hand and taps a finger against his chin in thought. “Middle child. Your parents always apologized for what you lacked. Always felt like you had to put in extra effort to be seen and walking on eggshells so that when you are seen, no one pulls away. You’re starving for real, positive attention.” Again, none of his words come out malicious but they really sting. This man hardly knows you and yet he’s spreading your entire childhood out like it was nothing.

You’re tired.

“Yeah. Exactly that. And it’s infuriating. Not to drag on my sisters because they’re doing their best and they have the same parents I have but it’s like…” You take another sip of the honey liquid before continuing, feeling the heat of not only the tea but also anger burning in your chest. Your eyes drift back to the front window.

“I can’t stop myself from doing above and beyond on the off chance I might be liked and appreciated. I’m putting in all this hard work and still it doesn’t matter. I’m just so tired.”

The sun is all but gone and is replaced by the city lights that illuminate the indigo sky above. The janitor stays quiet through all of this as he takes in your words. You’ve never told anyone any of this before, and part of you feels liberated. The other part feels guilty for putting something so heavy on someone who probably doesn’t even care.

“So, what if it doesn’t matter? Why are you putting so many expectations on yourself? You’re just one person.” He stands up from the wall and walks around it so that he’s face to face with you. His arms are folded across his chest again as he eyes you warily before continuing.

“I spend everyday cleaning after you shits and no one sees that. And yet, what I do matters because otherwise this place would be a shithole. You do not have to bend over backwards so people can see your accomplishments, they still exist whether they see it or not. But, say they approve of your help, then what?”

“What do-” Your fingers grip tight on the handle of your mug.

“They say thank you for doing what they asked you to do, then what? Do you keep up with their demands?”

“If I have to.”

“And what do you gain from that outside of exhaustion?”

You want to lie so bad. You want to say that you get a lot of enjoyment from making others happy. That you gain happiness for making others smile because you did what they ask of you. But you realize that putting yourself out there for the sake of others is wearing you down. And you aren’t actually happy.

“I don’t.” Your voice cracks and when you blink next, your sight is blurry.

“That’s what I’m saying. You bend and you bend for these short bursts of attention but you don’t need it. The only thing that should matter to you is your wellbeing. The rest comes after.” His voice retains the same dryness as it had before, but there’s an unmistaken lilt of tenderness.

You look away from his gaze and wipe the corners of your eyes with the back of your hand as you take a shaky breath.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but why do you care so much about me?” You offer him a small smile to hopefully deter any ill will that statement could bring up.

“Tch, don’t get me wrong, you’re still annoying. But, I can’t stand watching people tear themselves down for the sake of others. You’re here to live for yourself, not for them.” His steely eyes roll to the ceiling before landing back on you.

“Right. Well. I’ll keep that in mind.” You smile at him, a genuine one that squeezes your eyes closed. “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, even if your words are a little rough.” He huffs at that then nods curtly, tapping his foot on the ground.

“On that note, I need to-“

“Will you stay with me?” Your words come out faster than you can stop yourself. A sudden burst of warmth blooms into your face. “I-I mean, if you want. I just have this pizza left and-“

“Do you want me to stay?” He stares hard at you as he reads your reaction. You have a feeling he’s testing you.

Do you want that?

Yes, you do.

“Please stay?”

He considers you for a moment before relaxing, his arms falling to his sides.

“Okay.”

Once again, you find yourself on the floor with the janitor, knees tucked into your chest as you’re lost in thought. He sits a few feet away, slowly chewing on a just heated up piece of pizza while he stares out into the night. Your eyes never leave his face, watching the way his long eyelashes tickle his cheekbones and the way his hair falls in his face. You notice the dark circles that bruise the underside of his eyes.

“Do you ever take time off?” You ask softly.

“I never needed to.”

“You look really tired.”

“That’s just my face.” You laugh at that and he gives you a side eye. He wasn’t expecting that from you.

“Where would you go if you ever took time off?” You ask despite the fact he might ignore you as he didn’t seem the type to indulge such stupid questions, but he surprises you.

“Home.” He says without skipping a beat.

“Home? Really? Are you not home that often that you miss it more or something?”

“It’s quiet and all of my things are there. Where else would I go?” He stares at you with a perturbed expression. His dry voice adds to his comment and you find it very endearing. You think you see his lip twitch, but it might have been your imagination.

“What about you?”

Leaning back on your hands, you stretch your legs out with a soft groan and stare out the window. By this time, it’s well into 9pm and you still have work to do. But with the janitor staring at you, you find yourself pushing the thought of work away for now.

“Don’t laugh. But I really want to experience a day in that park off of Centennial. I heard it’s really nice in the afternoon because of the trees and little river that cuts through it. I would love to just sit out on a blanket and draw for a bit.” You say wistfully. You can already feel the heat of the sun against your skin.

“You’re an artist?”

“Yeah, struggling and starving as most are. But I draw when I can.”

He hums softly. “That sounds like a good day.” He says, wiping his hands on the towel that was tied to his utility belt around his waist.

You beam over to him at that. You again think to yourself of why people don’t like him. He was blunt and a little tactless, but he was caring and empathetic. Something you wouldn’t see from the outside. You liked him for just being himself with you.

Realization dawns on you at what his words meant earlier. Just being you was enough. You matter.

“Thank you.” You say simply, a toothy grin pointed his way.

A month passes and you find yourself steadily settling more into your job. You haven’t seen the janitor much since that one night. When you got home after that conversation, you made a promise you would only do things that you wanted to do for the sake of yourself and not others. The next time your coworker came to you for help, you were able to put your foot down and tell them no. Your voice and hands shook the whole time, but since then you haven’t been bothered. Unfortunately, you helped your supervisor when asked but you are proud of the progress that you made with your boundaries.

And now, here you are on a blanket in Centennial Park on a Thursday, lying on your stomach with your sketchbook propped open in front as you pop grapes into your mouth. There’s dark charcoal smudged along the side of your hands but you can’t find yourself caring as you finish a hooded eye with a flourish. It’s a nice day with a light breeze that helps keep you cool and soft music flows through your ears from your earphones, quiet enough so that you can be aware of your surroundings.

You’ve been at the park for so long that you’re almost done with your drawing and you’re thinking you should have brought a book to read when something kicks your foot. It makes you jump and your head twists behind you to see who or what it was. You assume it’s a child that kicked their ball too far as that happened earlier, but instead you scrunch your eyes to make sense of the figure in front of you.

Your eyes trail up to find it's a man dressed in dark jeans and a t-shirt, with a pair of oversized headphones circling his neck and sunglasses covering his eyes. The shades are dark but you can only assume he’s staring down at you. In his hands are two hot to-go cups.

“Can I help you?” You ask up to the mystery man, not hiding the annoyance in your tone.

“So she does take a day off. It’s nice to see you away from the computer screen.” The voice is familiar and you find yourself scrambling up to your feet, staring at him hard. He’s the same height as you and you notice his lips are all too familiar. They’re the same ones belonging to the drawing you just finished.

“You’re the janitor! What are you doing here?” Your annoyance quickly changes into surprise.

“Took the day off and I’m meeting a friend.” He raises one of the cups which you assume must be his friend’s. “And you can just call me Levi, by the way.” He grumbles the last bit. You only now realize you never asked for his name in any of the interactions you’ve had with him. Your face flares in embarrassment.

“I- yeah. I’m sorry, that’s so rude of me to have never asked.” You tell him your name as well but he just nods.

“I know who you are, and it’s fine.” He shrugs, tone dry as ever.

“You know my name? But how?” You don’t remember telling him your name. Nor has he ever been around to hear it be said. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“You have a plaque on your desk.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s fair.” You run a hand through your hair as you laugh at that. You don’t notice the way his eyes flicker from your sweet face to the sketch behind you on the ground. He huffs softly at that.

“Well, I can’t keep them waiting so. I guess I’ll see you when I see you.” He murmurs before turning on his heel in the opposite direction.

“Wait, Levi!” You yell, taking a few steps towards him. His head tilts back in your direction so that you see his blue-gray eyes side-eying you from behind his sunglasses.

“What?”

“Would you like to get some tea with me sometime?” You ask quickly. Your voice wavers slightly with anxiety as you shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

“Are you sure you don’t have other people’s work to complete first?” You laugh at that.

“No. I don’t think that will be a problem.” The sides of his mouth twitches.

“Then sure. Only if you bring your mom’s cookies again.” He raises his cup at you before turning his back to you and walking down the hill.

You sit back down with a grin, staring down at your finished sketch of Levi leaning against the doorframe of the break room.

Doing things for yourself has never felt so good.

I'm adding my taglist to this bc I'm actually quite proud of this one?

-> taglist: @averysmolbear @humanitys-strongest-bamf @youre-ackermine @notgoodforlife @roseofdarknessblog @missamity @levis-squishy-cheeks @icansmellsouls @dkbktk420 @elnyrae @romantichomicide95 @sckerman @secretmoneybearvoid @apolloshaiku @sujiroses @jadam724 @kamyru @highgoon69 @missyasma @nube55 @svftackerman

The link to my taglist is in my pinned post on my blog!!

#sky's summer event #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #x reader #attack on titan #aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk #modern au #asks #answered #cw parental trauma #janitor!levi ackerman #janitor!levi #hurt/comfort #fluff #eri.moots

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