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fromprison2002 · 6 months

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Sci-fi

CLOSER BY GREG EGAN

Nobody wants to spend eternity alone.

(‘Intimacy,’ I once told Sian, after we’d made love, ‘is the only cure for solipsism.’ She laughed and said, ‘Don’t get too ambitious, Michael. So far, it hasn’t even cured me of masturbation.’)

True solipsism, though, was never my problem. From the very first time I considered the question, I accepted that there could be no way of proving the reality of an external world, let alone the existence of other minds—but I also accepted that taking both on faith was the only practical way of dealing with everyday life.

The question which obsessed me was this: Assuming that other people existed, how did they apprehend that existence? How did they experience being? Could I ever truly understand what consciousness was like for another person—any more than I could for an ape, or a cat, or an insect?

If not, I was alone.

I desperately wanted to believe that other people were somehow knowable, but it wasn’t something I could bring myself to take for granted. I knew there could be no absolute proof, but I wanted to be persuaded, I needed to be compelled.

No literature, no poetry, no drama, however personally resonant I found it, could ever quite convince me that I’d glimpsed the author’s soul. Language had evolved to facilitate cooperation in the conquest of the physical world, not to describe subjective reality. Love, anger, jealousy, resentment, grief—all were defined, ultimately, in terms of external circumstances and observable actions.

When an image or metaphor rang true for me, it proved only that I shared with the author a set of definitions, a culturally sanctioned list of word associations. After all, many publishers used computer programs—highly specialised, but unsophisticated algorithms, without the remotest possibility of self-awareness—to routinely produce both literature, and literary criticism, indistinguishable from the human product. Not just formularised garbage, either; on several occasions, I’d been deeply affected by works which I’d later discovered had been cranked out by unthinking software. This didn’t prove that human literature communicated nothing of the author’s inner life, but it certainly made clear how much room there was for doubt.

Unlike many of my friends, I had no qualms whatsoever when, at the age of eighteen, the time came for me to ‘switch.’ My organic brain was removed and discarded, and control of my body handed over to my ‘jewel’—the Ndoli Device, a neural-net computer implanted shortly after birth, which had since learnt to imitate my brain, down to the level of individual neurons. I had no qualms, not because I was at all convinced that the jewel and the brain experienced consciousness identically, but because, from an early age, I’d identified myself solely with the jewel. My brain was a kind of bootstrap device, nothing more, and to mourn its loss would have been as absurd as mourning my emergence from some primitive stage of embryological neural development. Switching was simply what humans did now, an established part of the life cycle, even if it was mediated by our culture, and not by our genes.

Seeing each other die, and observing the gradual failure of their own bodies, may have helped convince pre-Ndoli humans of their common humanity; certainly, there were countless references in their literature to the equalising power of death. Perhaps concluding that the universe would go on without them produced a shared sense of hopelessness, or insignificance, which they viewed as their defining attribute.

Now that it’s become an article of faith that, sometime in the next few billion years, physicists will find a way for us to go on without the universe, rather than vice versa, that route to spiritual equality has lost whatever dubious logic it might ever have possessed.

Sian was a communications engineer. I was a holovision news editor. We met during a live broadcast of the seeding of Venus with terraforming nanomachines—a matter of great public interest, since most of the planet’s as-yet-uninhabitable surface had already been sold. There were several technical glitches with the broadcast which might have been disastrous, but together we managed to work around them, and even to hide the seams. It was nothing special, we were simply doing our jobs, but afterwards I was elated out of all proportion. It took me twenty-four hours to realise (or decide) that I’d fallen in love.

However, when I approached her the next day, she made it clear that she felt nothing for me; the chemistry I’d imagined ‘between us’ had all been in my head. I was dismayed, but not surprised. Work didn’t bring us together again, but I called her occasionally, and six weeks later my persistence was rewarded. I took her to a performance of Waiting for Godot by augmented parrots, and I enjoyed myself immensely, but I didn’t see her again for more than a month.

I’d almost given up hope, when she appeared at my door without warning one night and dragged me along to a ‘concert’ of interactive computerised improvisation. The ‘audience’ was assembled in what looked like a mock-up of a Berlin nightclub of the 2050s. A computer program, originally designed for creating movie scores, was fed with the image from a hover-camera which wandered about the set. People danced and sang, screamed and brawled, and engaged in all kinds of histrionics in the hope of attracting the camera and shaping the music. At first, I felt cowed and inhibited, but Sian gave me no choice but to join in.

It was chaotic, insane, at times even terrifying. One woman stabbed another to ‘death’ at the table beside us, which struck me as a sickening (and expensive) indulgence, but when a riot broke out at the end, and people started smashing the deliberately flimsy furniture, I followed Sian into the melee, cheering.

The music—the excuse for the whole event—was garbage, but I didn’t really care. When we limped out into the night, bruised and aching and laughing, I knew that at least we’d shared something that had made us feel closer. She took me home and we went to bed together, too sore and tired to do more than sleep, but when we made love in the morning I already felt so at ease with her that I could hardly believe it was our first time.

Soon we were inseparable. My tastes in entertainment were very different from hers, but I survived most of her favourite ‘artforms’, more or less intact. She moved into my apartment, at my suggestion, and casually destroyed the orderly rhythms of my carefully arranged domestic life.

I had to piece together details of her past from throwaway lines; she found it far too boring to sit down and give me a coherent account. Her life had been as unremarkable as mine: she’d grown up in a suburban, middle-class family, studied her profession, found a job. Like almost everyone, she’d switched at eighteen. She had no strong political convictions. She was good at her work, but put ten times more energy into her social life. She was intelligent, but hated anything overtly intellectual. She was impatient, aggressive, roughly affectionate.

And I could not, for one second, imagine what it was like inside her head.

For a start, I rarely had any idea what she was thinking—in the sense of knowing how she would have replied if asked, out of the blue, to describe her thoughts at the moment before they were interrupted by the question. On a longer time scale, I had no feeling for her motivation, her image of herself, her concept of who she was and what she did and why. Even in the laughably crude sense that a novelist pretends to ‘explain’ a character, I could not have explained Sian.

And if she’d provided me with a running commentary on her mental state, and a weekly assessment of the reasons for her actions in the latest psychodynamic jargon, it would all have come to nothing but a heap of useless words. If I could have pictured myself in her circumstances, imagined myself with her beliefs and obsessions, empathised until I could anticipate her every word, her every decision, then I still would not have understood so much as a single moment when she closed her eyes, forgot her past, wanted nothing, and simply was. Of course, most of the time, nothing could have mattered less. We were happy enough together, whether or not we were strangers—and whether or not my ‘happiness’ and Sian’s ‘happiness’ were in any real sense the same.

Over the years, she became less self-contained, more open. She had no great dark secrets to share, no traumatic childhood ordeals to recount, but she let me in on her petty fears and her mundane neuroses. I did the same, and even, clumsily, explained my peculiar obsession. She wasn’t at all offended. Just puzzled.

‘What could it actually mean, though? To know what it’s like to be someone else? You’d have to have their memories, their personality, their body—everything. And then you’d just be them, not yourself, and you wouldn’t know anything. It’s nonsense.’

I shrugged. ‘Not necessarily. Of course, perfect knowledge would be impossible, but you can always get closer. Don’t you think that the more things we do together, the more experiences we share, the closer we become?’

She scowled. ‘Yes, but that’s not what you were talking about five seconds ago. Two years, or two thousand years, of ‘shared experiences’ seen through different eyes means nothing. However much time two people spent together, how could you know that there was even the briefest instant when they both experienced what they were going through ‘together’ in the same way?’

‘I know, but…’

‘If you admit that what you want is impossible, maybe you’ll stop fretting about it.’

I laughed. ‘Whatever makes you think I’m as rational as that?’

When the technology became available it was Sian’s idea, not mine, for us to try out all the fashionable somatic permutations. Sian was always impatient to experience something new. ‘If we really are going to live forever,’ she said, ‘we’d better stay curious if we want to stay sane.’

I was reluctant, but any resistance I put up seemed hypocritical. Clearly, this game wouldn’t lead to the perfect knowledge I longed for (and knew I would ever achieve), but I couldn’t deny the possibility that it might be one crude step in the right direction.

First, we exchanged bodies. I discovered what it was like to have breasts and a vagina—what it was like for me, that is, not what it had been like for Sian. True, we stayed swapped long enough for the shock, and even the novelty, to wear off, but I never felt that I’d gained much insight into her experience of the body she’d been born with. My jewel was modified only as much as was necessary to allow me to control this unfamiliar machine, which was scarcely more than would have been required to work another male body. The menstrual cycle had been abandoned decades before, and although I could have taken the necessary hormones to allow myself to have periods, and even to become pregnant (although the financial disincentives for reproduction had been drastically increased in recent years), that would have told me absolutely nothing about Sian, who had done neither.

As for sex, the pleasure of intercourse still felt very much the same—which was hardly surprising, since nerves from the vagina and clitoris were simply wired into my jewel as if they’d come from my penis. Even being penetrated made less difference than I’d expected; unless I made a special effort to remain aware of our respective geometries, I found it hard to care who was doing what to whom. Orgasms were better though, I had to admit.

At work, no one raised an eyebrow when I turned up as Sian, since many of my colleagues had already been through exactly the same thing. The legal definition of identity had recently been shifted from the DNA fingerprint of the body, according to a standard set of markers, to the serial number of the jewel. When even the law can keep up with you, you know you can’t be doing anything very radical or profound.

After three months, Sian had had enough. ‘I never realised how clumsy you were,’ she said. ‘Or that ejaculation was so dull.’

Next, she had a clone of herself made, so we could both be women. Brain-damaged replacement bodies—Extras—had once been incredibly expensive, when they’d needed to be grown at virtually the normal rate, and kept constantly active so they’d be healthy enough to use. However, the physiological effects of the passage of time, and of exercise, don’t happen by magic; at a deep enough level, there’s always a biochemical signal produced, which can ultimately be faked. Mature Extras, with sturdy bones and perfect muscle tone, could now be produced from scratch in a year—four months’ gestation and eight months’ coma—which also allowed them to be more thoroughly brain-dead than before, soothing the ethical qualms of those who’d always wondered just how much was going on inside the heads of the old, active versions.

In our first experiment, the hardest part for me had always been, not looking in the mirror and seeing Sian, but looking at Sian and seeing myself. I’d missed her, far more than I’d missed being myself. Now, I was almost happy for my body to be absent (in storage, kept alive by a jewel based on the minimal brain of an Extra). The symmetry of being her twin appealed to me; surely now we were closer than ever. Before, we’d merely swapped our physical differences. Now, we’d abolished them.

The symmetry was an illusion. I’d changed gender, and she hadn’t. I was with the woman I loved; she lived with a walking parody of herself.

One morning she woke me, pummelling my breasts so hard that she left bruises. When I opened my eyes and shielded myself, she peered at me suspiciously. ‘Are you in there? Michael? I’m going crazy. I want you back.’

For the sake of getting the whole bizarre episode over and done with for good—and perhaps also to discover for myself what Sian had just been through—I agreed to the third permutation. There was no need to wait a year; my Extra had been grown at the same time as hers.

Somehow, it was far more disorienting to be confronted by ‘myself’ without the camouflage of Sian’s body. I found my own face unreadable; when we’d both been in disguise, that hadn’t bothered me, but now it made me feel edgy, and at times almost paranoid, for no rational reason at all.

Sex took some getting used to. Eventually, I found it pleasurable, in a confusing and vaguely narcissistic way. The compelling sense of equality I’d felt, when we’d made love as women, never quite returned to me as we sucked each other’s cocks—but then, when we’d both been women, Sian had never claimed to feel any such thing. It had all been my own invention.

The day after we returned to the way we’d begun (well, almost—in fact, we put our decrepit, twenty-six-year-old bodies in storage, and took up residence in our healthier Extras), I saw a story from Europe on an option we hadn’t yet tried, tipped to become all the rage: hermaphroditic identical twins. Our new bodies could be our biological children (give or take the genetic tinkering required to ensure hermaphroditism), with an equal share of characteristics from both of us. We would both have changed gender, both have lost partners. We’d be equal in every way.

I took a copy of the file home to Sian. She watched it thoughtfully, then said, ‘Slugs are hermaphrodites, aren’t they? They hang in mid-air together on a thread of slime. I’m sure there’s even something in Shakespeare, remarking on the glorious spectacle of copulating slugs. Imagine it: you and me, making slug love.’

I fell on the floor, laughing.

I stopped, suddenly. ‘Where, in Shakespeare? I didn’t think you’d even read Shakespeare.’

Eventually, I came to believe that with each passing year, I knew Sian a little better—in the traditional sense, the sense that most couples seemed to find sufficient. I knew what she expected from me, I knew how not to hurt her. We had arguments, we had fights, but there must have been some kind of underlying stability, because in the end we always chose to stay together. Her happiness mattered to me, very much, and at times I could hardly believe that I’d ever thought it possible that all of her subjective experience might be fundamentally alien to me. It was true that every brain, and hence every jewel, was unique—but there was something extravagant in supposing that the nature of consciousness could be radically different between individuals, when the same basic hardware, and the same basic principles of neural topology, were involved.

* * *

Still. Sometimes, if I woke in the night, I’d turn to her and whisper, inaudibly, compulsively, ‘I don’t know you. I have no idea who, or what, you are.’ I’d lie there, and think about packing and leaving. I was alone, and it was farcical to go through the charade of pretending otherwise.

Then again, sometimes I woke in the night, absolutely convinced that I was dying, or something else equally absurd. In the sway of some half-forgotten dream, all manner of confusion is possible. It never meant a thing, and by morning I was always myself again. When I saw the story on Craig Bentley’s service—he called it ‘research,’ but his ‘volunteers’ paid for the privilege of taking part in his experiments—I almost couldn’t bring myself to include it in the bulletin, although all my professional judgement told me it was everything our viewers wanted in a thirty second techno-shock piece: bizarre, even mildly disconcerting, but not too hard to grasp.

Bentley was a cyberneurologist; he studied the Ndoli Device, in the way that neurologists had once studied the brain. Mimicking the brain with a neural-net computer had not required a profound understanding of its higher-level structures; research into these structures continued, in their new incarnation. The jewel, compared to the brain, was of course both easier to observe, and easier to manipulate.

In his latest project, Bentley was offering couples something slightly more up-market than an insight into the sex lives of slugs. He was offering them eight hours with identical minds.

I made a copy of the original, ten-minute piece that had come through on the fibre, then let my editing console select the most titillating thirty seconds possible, for broadcast. It did a good job; it had learnt from me.

I couldn’t lie to Sian. I couldn’t hide the story, I couldn’t pretend to be disinterested. The only honest thing to do was to show her the file, tell her exactly how I felt, and ask her what she wanted.

I did just that. When the HV image faded out, she turned to me, shrugged, and said mildly, ‘Okay. It sounds like fun. Let’s try it.’

* * *

Bentley wore a T-shirt with nine computer-drawn portraits on it, in a three-by-three grid. Top left was Elvis Presley. Bottom right was Marilyn Monroe. The rest were various stages in between.

‘This is how it will work. The transition will take twenty minutes, during which time you’ll be disembodied. Over the first ten minutes, you’ll gain equal access to each other’s memories. Over the second ten minutes, you’ll both be moved, gradually, towards the compromise personality.

‘Once that’s done, your Ndoli Devices will be identical—in the sense that both will have all the same neural connections with all the same weighting factors—but they’ll almost certainly be in different states. I’ll have to black you out, to correct that. Then you’ll wake—‘

Who’ll wake?

‘—in identical electromechanical bodies. Clones can’t be made sufficiently alike.

‘You’ll spend the eight hours alone, in perfectly matched rooms. Rather like hotel suites, really. You’ll have HV to keep you amused if you need it—without the videophone module, of course. You might think you’d both get an engaged signal, if you tried to call the same number simultaneously—but in fact, in such cases the switching equipment arbitrarily lets one call through, which would make your environments different.’

Sian asked, ‘Why can’t we phone each other? Or better still, meet each other? If we’re exactly the same, we’d say the same things, do the same things—we’d be one more identical part of each other’s environment.’

Bentley pursed his lips and shook his head. ‘Perhaps I’ll allow something of the kind in a future experiment, but for now I believe it would be too… potentially traumatic.’

Sian gave me a sideways glance, which meant: This man is a killjoy.

‘The end will be like the beginning, in reverse. First, your personalities will be restored. Then, you’ll lose access to each other’s memories. Of course, your memories of the experience itself will be left untouched. Untouched by me, that is; I can’t predict how your separate personalities, once restored, will act—filtering, suppressing, reinterpreting those memories. Within minutes, you may end up with very different ideas about what you’ve been through. All I can guarantee is this: For the eight hours in question, the two of you will be identical.’

* * *

We talked it over. Sian was enthusiastic, as always. She didn’t much care what it would be like; all that really mattered to her was collecting one more novel experience.

‘Whatever happens, we’ll be ourselves again at the end of it,’ she said. ‘What’s there to be afraid of? You know the old Ndoli joke.’

‘What old Ndoli joke?’

‘Anything’s bearable—so long as it’s finite.’

I couldn’t decide how I felt. The sharing of memories notwithstanding, we’d both end up knowing, not each other, but merely a transient, artificial third person. Still, for the first time in our lives, we would have been through exactly the same experience, from exactly the same point of view—even if the experience was only spending eight hours locked in separate rooms, and the point of view was that of a genderless robot with an identity crisis.

It was a compromise—but I could think of no realistic way in which it could have been improved.

I called Bentley, and made a reservation.

* * *

In perfect sensory deprivation, my thoughts seemed to dissipate into the blackness around me before they were even half-formed. This isolation didn’t last long, though; as our short-term memories merged, we achieved a kind of telepathy: One of us would think a message, and the other would ‘remember’ thinking it, and reply in the same way.

- I really can’t wait to uncover all your grubby little secrets.

- I think you’re going to be disappointed. Anything I haven’t already told you, I’ve probably repressed.

- Ah, but repressed is not erased. Who knows what will turn up?

- We’ll know, soon enough.

I tried to think of all the minor sins I must have committed over the years, all the shameful, selfish, unworthy thoughts, but nothing came into my head but a vague white noise of guilt. I tried again, and achieved, of all things, an image of Sian as a child. A young boy slipping his hand between her legs, then squealing with fright and pulling away. But she’d described that incident to me, long ago. Was it her memory, or my reconstruction?

- My memory. I think. Or perhaps my reconstruction. You know, half the time when I’ve told you something that happened before we met, the memory of the telling has become far clearer to me than the memory itself. Almost replacing it.

- It’s the same for me.

- Then in a way, our memories have already been moving towards a kind of symmetry, for years. We both remember what was said, as if we’d both heard it from someone else.

Agreement. Silence. A moment of confusion. Then:

- This neat division of ‘memory’ and ‘personality’ Bentley uses; is it really so clear? Jewels are neural-net computers; you can’t talk about ‘data’ and ‘program’ in any absolute sense.

- Not in general, no. His classification must be arbitrary, to some extent. But who cares?

- It matters. If he restores ‘personality,’ but allows ‘memories’ to persist, a misclassification could leave us…

- What?

- It depends, doesn’t it? At one extreme, so thoroughly ‘restored,’ so completely unaffected, that the whole experience might as well not have happened. And at the other extreme…

- Permanently…

- …closer.

- Isn’t that the point?

- I don’t know anymore.

Silence. Hesitation.

Then I realised that I had no idea whether or not it was my turn to reply.

* * *

I woke, lying on a bed, mildly bemused, as if waiting for a mental hiatus to pass. My body felt slightly awkward, but less so than when I’d woken in someone else’s Extra. I glanced down at the pale, smooth plastic of my torso and legs, then waved a hand in front of my face. I looked like a unisex shop-window dummy—but Bentley had shown us the bodies beforehand, it was no great shock. I sat up slowly, then stood and took a few steps. I felt a little numb and hollow, but my kinaesthetic sense, my proprioception, was fine; I felt located between my eyes, and I felt that this body was mine. As with any modern transplant, my jewel had been manipulated directly to accommodate the change, avoiding the need for months of physiotherapy.

I glanced around the room. It was sparsely furnished: one bed, one table, one chair, one clock, one HV set. On the wall, a framed reproduction of an Escher lithograph: ‘Bond of Union,’ a portrait of the artist and, presumably, his wife, faces peeled like lemons into helices of rind, joined into a single, linked band. I traced the outer surface from start to finish, and was disappointed to find that it lacked the Möbius twist I was expecting.

No windows, one door without a handle. Set into the wall beside the bed, a full-length mirror. I stood a while and stared at my ridiculous form. It suddenly occurred to me that, if Bentley had a real love of symmetry games, he might have built one room as the mirror image of the other, modified the HV set accordingly, and altered one jewel, one copy of me, to exchange right for left. What looked like a mirror could then be nothing but a window between the rooms. I grinned awkwardly with my plastic face; my reflection looked appropriately embarrassed by the sight. The idea appealed to me, however unlikely it was. Nothing short of an experiment in nuclear physics could reveal the difference. No, not true; a pendulum free to precess, like Foucault’s, would twist the same way in both rooms, giving the game away. I walked up to the mirror and thumped it. It didn’t seem to yield at all, but then, either a brick wall, or an equal and opposite thump from behind, could have been the explanation.

I shrugged and turned away. Bentley might have done anything—for all I knew, the whole set-up could have been a computer simulation. My body was irrelevant. The room was irrelevant. The point was…

I sat on the bed. I recalled someone—Michael, probably—wondering if I’d panic when I dwelt upon my nature, but I found no reason to do so. If I’d woken in this room with no recent memories, and tried to sort out who I was from my past(s), I’d no doubt have gone mad, but I knew exactly who I was, I had two long trails of anticipation leading to my present state. The prospect of being changed back into Sian or Michael didn’t bother me at all; the wishes of both to regain their separate identities endured in me, strongly, and the desire for personal integrity manifested itself as relief at the thought of their re-emergence, not as fear of my own demise. In any case, my memories would not be expunged, and I had no sense of having goals which one or the other of them would not pursue. I felt more like their lowest common denominator than any kind of synergistic hypermind; I was less, not more, than the sum of my parts. My purpose was strictly limited: I was here to enjoy the strangeness for Sian, and to answer a question for Michael, and when the time came I’d be happy to bifurcate, and resume the two lives I remembered and valued.

So, how did I experience consciousness? The same way as Michael? The same way as Sian? So far as I could tell, I’d undergone no fundamental change—but even as I reached that conclusion, I began to wonder if I was in any position to judge. Did memories of being Michael, and memories of being Sian, contain so much more than the two of them could have put into words and exchanged verbally? Did I really know anything about the nature of their existence, or was my head just full of second-hand description—intimate, and detailed, but ultimately as opaque as language? If my mind were radically different, would that difference be something I could even perceive—or would all my memories, in the act of remembering, simply be recast into terms that seemed familiar?

The past, after all, was no more knowable than the external world. Its very existence also had to be taken on faith—and, granted existence, it too could be misleading.

I buried my head in my hands, dejected. I was the closest they could get, and what had come of me?

Michael’s hope remained precisely as reasonable—and as unproven—as ever. After a while, my mood began to lighten. At least Michael’s search was over, even if it had ended in failure. Now he’d have no choice but to accept that, and move on.

I paced around the room for a while, flicking the HV on and off. I was actually starting to get bored, but I wasn’t going to waste eight hours and several thousand dollars by sitting down and watching soap operas.

I mused about possible ways of undermining the synchronisation of my two copies. It was inconceivable that Bentley could have matched the rooms and bodies to such a fine tolerance that an engineer worthy of the name couldn’t find some way of breaking the symmetry. Even a coin toss might have done it, but I didn’t have a coin. Throwing a paper plane? That sounded promising—highly sensitive to air currents but the only paper in the room was the Escher, and I couldn’t bring myself to vandalise it. I might have smashed the mirror, and observed the shapes and sizes of the fragments, which would have had the added bonus of proving or disproving my earlier speculations, but as I raised the chair over my head, I suddenly changed my mind. Two conflicting sets of short-term memories had been confusing enough during a few minutes of sensory deprivation; for several hours interacting with a physical environment, it could be completely disabling. Better to hold off until I was desperate for amusement.

So I lay down on the bed and did what most of Bentley’s clients probably ended up doing.

As they coalesced, Sian and Michael had both had fears for their privacy—and both had issued compensatory, not to say defensive, mental declarations of frankness, not wanting the other to think that they had something to hide. Their curiosity, too, had been ambivalent; they’d wanted to understand each other, but, of course, not to pry.

All of these contradictions continued in me, but—staring at the ceiling, trying not to look at the clock again for at least another thirty seconds—I didn’t really have to make a decision. It was the most natural thing in the world to let my mind wander back over the course of their relationship, from both points of view.

It was a very peculiar reminiscence. Almost everything seemed at once vaguely surprising and utterly familiar—like an extended attack of déjà vu. It’s not that they’d often set out deliberately to deceive each other about anything substantial, but all the tiny white lies, all the concealed trivial resentments, all the necessary, laudable, essential, loving deceptions, that had kept them together in spite of their differences, filled my head with a strange haze of confusion and disillusionment.

It wasn’t in any sense a conversation; I was no multiple personality. Sian and Michael simply weren’t there—to justify, to explain, to deceive each other all over again, with the best intentions. Perhaps I should have attempted to do all this on their behalf, but I was constantly unsure of my role, unable to decide on a position. So I lay there, paralysed by symmetry, and let their memories flow.

After that, the time passed so quickly that I never had a chance to break the mirror. We tried to stay together.

We lasted a week.

Bentley had made—as the law required—snapshots of our jewels prior to the experiment. We could have gone back to them—and then had him explain to us why—but self-deception is only an easy choice if you make it in time.

We couldn’t forgive each other, because there was nothing to forgive. Neither of us had done a single thing that the other could fail to understand, and sympathise with, completely.

We knew each other too well, that’s all. Detail after tiny fucking microscopic detail. It wasn’t that the truth hurt; it didn’t, any longer. It numbed us. It smothered us. We didn’t know each other as we knew ourselves; it was worse than that. In the self, the details blur in the very processes of thought; mental self-dissection is possible, but it takes great effort to sustain. Our mutual dissection took no effort at all; it was the natural state into which we fell in each other’s presence. Our surfaces had been stripped away, but not to reveal a glimpse of the soul. All we could see beneath the skin were the cogs, spinning.

And I knew, now, that what Sian had always wanted most in a lover was the alien, the unknowable, the mysterious, the opaque. The whole point, for her, of being with someone else was the sense of confronting otherness. Without it, she believed, you might as well be talking to yourself.

I found that I now shared this view (a change whose precise origins I didn’t much want to think about… but then, I’d always known she had the stronger personality, I should have guessed that something would rub off).

Together, we might as well have been alone, so we had no choice but to part.

Nobody wants to spend eternity alone.

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zachsreaderinserts · 3 years

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sapnap, dream, tommy, and c! techno x s/o who cried while arguing headcannons

FIRST REQUEST OOGA BOOGA OOGA BOOGA

also im about to hit 100 followers! thank y’all sm!!!

edit: so uh, i didnt know tommy didn’t like to be written in romantic x readers, that was on me 100% so i changed it to platonic!!

wc: 1,285

SAPNAP

as we all know, sapnap is a little bitch when he’s arguing with someone, compiled with lots of yelling, screaming, and probably physical gestures.

so, it was no surprise that when you had brought up the fact that he had been neglecting his chores around your house, that he retaliated almost instantly

“i’ve been sitting in the office the last few days working! i don’t know what you want from me!”

somehow, with you being you and sapnap being sapnap, the argument escalates really fucking fast

to the point where his voice is starting to get hoarse and you’re pretty much shaking in retaliation, regretting ever bringing up the entire argument

sapnap’s too blinded by his anger to realize that you were not fine and were backing yourself into the dining room table in attempt to seperate yourself from the situation

and when he turned to glare at you and continue his point, he paused when he saw the tears building up in your eyes and the fearful look you had

he dropped the argument almost instantly and darted over to you, holding you by the shoulders. you couldn’t even form any words, just blubbering as he squeezed you close

you apologized for crying, but he didn’t want to hear shit. he felt guilty for letting the argument escalate like that and the both of you said sorry for the entire situation as a whole.

at the end of the day, you still love each other, y’know?

DREAM

dream’s biggest problem when arguing is that he can’t truly decipher what is an insult and what is a light jab to his ego.

it was during a stream that you had made a joke, something about dream resembling his smp! rendition of his character and that irked dream automatically

after the stream, he came into your room and addressed it, but anyone could see how quietly pissed off he was. and already, you were angry because he was angry

so, you bit back. told him that you were sorry about how he felt and how you pressed his buttons, but not sorry for making the joke. it wasn’t meant to be taken the way he did and that was his fault for stewing over it

mans is angry

so, a shouting match starts up, naturally and it gets heated real fucking quick

“you don’t get to decide whether or not i should blow over a joke!”

(wanted to say that in this argument, you’re both valid, but the way you went about it is not)

it gets to the point where dream’s all up in your face, shouting about how annoying it is for you to be making jokes like that and how he found it unfunny and shit.

which isn’t a bad criticism but also, with how he’s yelling it to your face, it hits a little different but not in a good way. you’re practically swallowing back the tears as he keeps ranting about it.

and when he pauses to let you argue back and speak and you respond with a voice crack that gave away how you truly felt. dream looked back over at you to see you wiping at your eyes, trying to push the emotions back

the vibes shift into something calmer, still heated, but not as bad as it was. he walked back to you and hugged you, letting you let all the emotion out.

from then on, you two talked about it quietly and respectfully, making sure to keep the intense emotions on standby.

and hey! you’re still holding his hand by the end of it.

TOMMY

this fucking rat of a man has a hard time trying to keep his emotions on standby and not go ape shit. knowing tommy, it’s probably a longstanding problem that’s been around his entire life

so, you’re pissed at him first for him blowing up your house on the smp. i mean, i can’t blame you, i’d be just as pissed. that house had been around since the beginning and it held everything you worked for on the server

tommy found it dumb that you had such an angry reaction and began to argue back that it truly didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and that you were being out of pocket

“c’mon, you know that i didn’t mean for it to hurt you like this and this isn’t a reaction you should be having.”

he keeps mostly level headed the entire argument, but you can tell by how he’s gritting his teeth and how his eyebrows are furrowed that he’s getting annoyed

and then he raises his voice, the coil keeping his frustration snapping along with it. you’re shocked to say the least and start to feel invalidated for him reacting the way he is. while his frustration is all anger, yours is more sad.

tommy stops his harsh tone when he notices the sorrowful look on your face and reels back, taking control of himself. he says that you two need a moment to recollect so you can discuss this again at a later time

despite the argument still lingering hours later, tommy is just as kind as he was before it, making sure to let you know that he still appreciates you no matter what the situation was

and whenever you did discuss it again, tommy and you made a little system to let him know whenever he took it too far. he felt better knowing that you were no longer upset with him and you feel better knowing that he was willing to try and understand you.

C! TECHNOBLADE

techno is fucking notorious for being an especially condescending little arsehole, it’s canon both in his character and irl

so, he takes on a more emotionless and rough approach at the sign of any sort of criticism. he’d rather you think of him as a bitch than let you see that he was any sort of empathetic.

it was when you got onto him for never sleeping that he showed this side of himself. you couldn’t even see it in his body language that he was upset and that made you angrier.

techno was pissed, 100%, but he wanted the upper hand. he refused to let you see him vulnerable.

“i don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. why can’t you just ignore it?”

he keeps drawing out the arguing, somehow countering your very valid points to about how disorganized or lazy you were. rather than accepting the criticism, he forced it onto you.

and with every point he spoke, you felt your heart hurt just a little more. he was nitpicking at that point and that hurt more than anything else. he knew you felt insecure about certain things and you just couldn’t see why he wasn’t showing the proper emotions in this argument

eventually your mind became so muddled that you were even aware that you were crying. techno immediately stopped talking and stared at you in slight shock. he made you cry.

the voices were quiet, not giving him instructions or advice. he was on his own.

techno marched forward and held your face, wiping away the tears as quickly as they fell. you just looked up at him, showing so much pain, that his expression broke instantly. he looked like he was about to cry at the sight of your crying

you guys never got back to the argument but it was clear that he was sorry for what he had done. every time he came to bed early proved that enough and on those nights, he held you just a little bit tighter.

#sapnap #sapnap x reader #dreamwastaken #dreamwastaken x reader #tommyinnit #tommyinnit x reader #c!techno #c!technoblade x reader #technoblade x reader #technoblade #dream smp #dreamsmp x reader #mcyt x reader #minecraft youtubers #minecraft youtubers x reader

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kpop-hive · 3 years

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Giving Stray Kids a Lap Dance

Chan: He would be livid, loving how you sway your hips to the music in sexy lingerie before finding a seat on his lap. The song choice would be “Often” by The Weeknd, hearing one of the familiar songs that Chan loves would send him into a frenzy. As he grabs your hips to follow in with rhythm, he starts to sing along to the song too. “She asks me if I do this everyday I said often,” He sings to himself while he looks at you with bright eyes trying to keep his composure. He usually won’t let you take control during intimate moments, but when you do, he is very lenient, and wants you and him to have fun and be comfortable, All in all, he loves receiving lap dances, because once they are finished, it seems like the night will continue on forever with the two of you.

Minho: When it comes to lap dances, Minho is very stubborn, he hates when you have control, so whenever you try to take control, he teases you for it, but one night, you snuck one on him. He knew he was stressed, and only you could help fix his problem with some “physical activity,” he sent a text wanting you to be on the bed in his favorite set of lingerie he bought, what he didn’t expect was a note on the bed telling him to sit down, as he was curious with what his kitten was planning, he sat down knowing he was going to punish you later. After sitting down, fairy lights emitted from the room, and “Poison” by Brent Faiyaz started to play, he watched you walk out in the set that he oh so loved on you, and it had quite an effect on him, as he watched you dance provocatively to the music all he could think about was how beautiful you looked, but wanting to punish you for disobeying his orders, but once you were on his lap, those thoughts were hardly forming at all in his mind. “Y-You’re, s-s-so getting p-punished for this k-kitten” he groaned.

Changbin: When you give Changbin lap dances, he feels like he is in heaven. He is always so eager for them because of what happens during and after them, he mostly wants them during special occasions because they make the night so much better, he lives for seeing you in lingerie all on his lap, creating the friction and sexual tension between the both of you. Picture this; you grinding yourself on his lap to “Kiss It Better” by Rihanna in a baby blue lingerie set in a dark bedroom with only the moonlight giving the room brightness. His hands groping your body, with his muscles tensing up every second, while he groans and swears every nano second. “Fuck” he whispers to you as you hit that nerve in him, it’s safe to say that you and him will both have a very good night after that.

Hyunjin: Hyunjin is a freak in my opinion, he would be the type to try to make lap dances like an actual strip club lap dance, he always wants you to wear the sexiest sets, heels, and look like a pretty little doll, dimming the lights perfectly, and making sure the music is perfect for the scene, “Initiation” by The Weeknd would be the perfect song in this scenario because it’s dark, sexy, and has a great beat. He watched sway your hips when you walk from the bathroom in your cute little pink set he picked out for you along with pink pumps ready for the moment. He’s already in his special chair ready for the lap dance just wanting to feel you, as you dance towards him heading straight to his lap, he tries to keep his hands to himself until it’s over, but sometimes he just can’t because you’re too beautiful for him to ignore you like that, so he ends up kissing your lips along with your cheek, jaw, neck, and collarbones, as you do your thing, “I love you, baby,” he says a he kisses your neck. When it’s over, the loving side is gone, and he is ready to pounce on you.

Jisung: Jisung is such an eager beaver when it comes to lap dances, you will always surprise him with them when you notice how needy he gets. He loves to watch you in awe when you grind against his lap because you look like a work of art to him when you are above him. This song you guys enjoy is “Swim” by Chase Atlantic, it’s the perfect song for you both to enjoy, and it gives you guys a pleasurable experience, he loves to grope your breasts when you are in this position because he can’t handle them being in his face like while they look that good, he’ll sometimes remove then from the cups just to fondle with your nipples, maybe even leave hickies and wet kisses over them. He is also a huge whimperer, always whimpering when you rub yourself against that one spot that drives him crazy, sometimes he can’t continue, and is just ready to get inside you then and there, so it’s no secret that you and him may end up having sex in that same position on the couch, bed or chair.

Felix: Felix is such a whore for lap dances, but he can also be very shy about them too. He will try to ask you, but his shyness gets the best of him, but it never takes you a long time to figure out what he is insinuating. As you grab his hand, and lead him to the couch, you tell him to wait a few minutes, giving yourself time to change into your favorite set he loves on you. As you walk back to the couch, you find him fondling with his fingers, and when you step out in front of him, he is utterly stunned. You connect you speaker to your phone to let the song play, and you set your phone down on the table, bending down a little for Felix to get a glimpse your ass. “L$D” by A$AP Rocky plays through the speaker, and you begin on Felix’s lap, no teasing, he likes it when you’re straight to the point, you do too. As the music continues, and you grind yourself to the tune, he can’t stop thinking about how sexy you look, he does want to touch you because he doesn’t want to distract you from your moment, he groans deeply, letting you know it feels good, but once it’s done, he makes sure to know he had a good time, and return the pleasure with some intense love making.

Seungmin: “Wicked Games” by The Weeknd is the song, and it’s no if’s and’s or but’s about it. He loves watching you dance to this song, and loves how good you are to him when you do it, even though you are giving him the lap dance, he still takes control, putting his hands on you when he wants to kiss you when he wants to, and slapping your ass when he wants to, but his favorite thing is wrapping his hand around your neck while you grind into his lap because it’s an act of possession, you usually give lap dances on special occasions, but when Seungmin is feeling possessive or you made him jealous, he wants you to give him a lap dance, just to do that exact move. “You’re mine, no one else’s. Do you understand?” “Y-yes sir.”

Jeongin: Similar to Felix, is shy about wanting a lap dance, but will still ask for it. “Can I get a lap dance?” Jeongin asks with slight pink tint in his cheeks. Of course you say yes, and he lets you get ready for it. Once finished, he lets you pick the song, of course, you choose “Dance for You” by Beyoncé. This gives him a little ego boost, and once the music starts, you sway your hips perfectly to the beat. He’s happy that you picked a six minute song because that way you can stay on his lap for a while. Once you are set on his lap he will not stop moaning and groaning. He loves when you grind yourself all on him like that, and always wants you to continue. Never knows where his hands are supposed to go so you help him wrap his hands on you waist, and that’s where his sex drive starts to skyrocket. Makes sure after all this he reminds you of how well you did .

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atlafan · 4 years

Text

The Tutor - Part Two

a/n: thank you all for the support on the original one shot. I just really love these guys, so I had to make a part two, and may even go back to them at some point for some other fun stuff, but for now, here’s the second half of fall semester! Read part one here!

Warnings: angst, we start out with a lot of angst I’m so sorry. Plenty of fluff and smut to balance it out though! Partying, alcohol consumption.

Words: 18.7K

Part Three

Harry thought he was going to be sick. There it was, sitting right in front of him on his desk: C-. For the life of him he couldn’t remember the last time he did so poorly on a test. It was for his Conversational French class. Harry knew French well, that’s why he was in a higher level course. Most students needed a full year of a language, but he only needed one because he tested out of the lower levels. It was his own fault.

The night before the test when he should have been studying he was buried deep inside Y/N. The hockey team had won an away game, and she asked him to come over for a little while and he physically couldn’t say no to her. He didn’t think he would end up staying the night, but he did. Y/N had whispered that she wanted to do it again, and she had pinned him down, and he sort of really liked that so once again he didn’t say no. And the way she was riding him and panting his name and looking down at him with her big eyes. Anyone would have stayed the night after that.

He knew he didn’t do his best on the test, but he thought he’d at least get a B, not a fucking C-. He sighs heavily as class ends.

“Monsieur Styles…” The professor makes a come her motion with her pointer finger. He turns around and walks over to her desk. “Normally I wouldn’t be so worried about a C, but you always get A’s on your tests, what happened?”

“I…I guess I didn’t study as much as I should have. Maybe I just got cocky and thought I knew the material more than I did…”

“Harry, you’re always going to the study group meetings, did you not go last week?”

“No, something else came up.”

“Like what?”

“Well…” He runs a hand through his hair. “My girlfriend is on the hockey team, and they just won a game on the road, and…” He sighs. “I know it’s not a great excuse, I’m sorry. I’ll buckle down for the next test.”

“Look, I know having a partner in college is very exciting. You’re an adult, you don’t have a curfew, and you don’t a have a parent telling you to keep the door open, but try to keep your priorities straight. You’re a very bright student, and I hate to see your grades suffer in this course, or others.” She takes a sip of her water. “I’ll let you in on a secret, but only because I thought you were going to wet your pants when you saw your grade. I tend to drop the lowest grades at the end of the semester, so you don’t have too much to worry about GPA wise, but try not to let this continue.”

“Okay, I promise I’ll do better on the next one. Thank you so much.” He smiles and leaves the classroom.

She was right, he didn’t want his other grades to suffer. Harry nearly had a 4.0, and he wanted to keep it that way. He needed to buckle back down, but he wasn’t quite sure how to explain this to Y/N. He liked spending his free time with her, but maybe he was being a little too available. It was almost time for their tutoring session, maybe in the seriousness of the library he could have this chat with her.

Y/N was overly excited to see Harry. She had wonderful news for him. She had spoken with her mom, and they both thought it would be a good idea to invite Harry home for Thanksgiving. He had explained that he just stayed on campus last year and that it was really boring. She bounces into the library looking cute as ever in her sweats, and goes over to their usual table. He was already set up and looking serious.

“Hey you.” She says, kissing his cheek. He gives her a soft smile as she sits down. “How’s your day been?”

“Alright.”

“Just alright?” She pouts. “Well, maybe explaining the difference between bonobos and apes to me will add some excitement.” She laughs and takes her books out. “I mean, I sort of get it. One group is super chill and sexual, and the other group is fucking crazy and aggressive. The main difference I noticed is that one group is matriarchal and the other group is patriarchal, so what I wanna know is, why don’t all people study these two groups? I find it to be absolutely fascinating, and-“

“Y/N, please!” Harry snaps. “Why do you even need my help anymore? It seems like you’ve got it.”

“I…well…I mean it’s helpful to talk these things through with you. I need to write a paper about this and I was sort of hoping you could guide me with my outline. Maybe point me to some good sources.” She chews on her bottom lip. “You don’t want to tutor me anymore?” God, he was so fucked for her. How did one girl hold so much power over him?

“It’s not that, I…I mean, we meet up like this twice a week for two hours, four hours total, and then we also meet up to do homework together other nights and that goes on for hours, and sometimes we don’t even end up doing homework, and…ugh, look at this!” He slaps his French test down on the table. She scans it over and gives him a confused look.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I got a C-, Y/N!”

“Is that bad?” She was genuinely confused.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah…”

“It’s terrible! Luckily my professor told me she usually drops our lowest grades at the end of the semester, but what if this happens again?”

“Are…are you blaming me for your grade?”

“Well, I was at your place the night before my test when I should have been studying. You invited me over after you guys won your away game, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember you kissing and touching all up on me. You didn’t mention once that you had a test. If you did I would have told you to go home, or I wouldn’t have invited you over at all.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe you right now. Just because you have poor time management doesn’t mean-“

“I do not have poor time management.” He seethes. “I have impeccable time management.”

“Well, apparently you don’t, otherwise you would have left more time to study for your fucking French test.” She huffs, and takes her highlighter out to help herself as she looks for quotes in her book.

“I can’t believe that you don’t even care that I got a bad grade.”

“That’s the difference between you and I, Harry. When I see a C, I don’t think it’s a bad grade. Had that been a D-, then okay I would probably be more concerned. You said it yourself, she’s going to drop your lowest grade, so it’s no big deal.” She looks at him. “You’re on the clock right now, aren’t you? I need your help with this.”

“Fine.” He leans closer to her and they work on her outline for a bit. They only talk about things related to the class. When ten of four hits, he starts packing up and so does she.

“You’re being a baby.” She mumbles.

“No I’m not. I have to keep up a specific GPA for the grant that I was given.”

“Yeah, same here, Harry. News flash, half of the students here have to keep up a specific GPA, you’re not special in that.” She slings her bag over her shoulder. “You can blame me all you want for your grade, but that’s on you. Learn some self-control because I will not be made into being a fucking distraction to some boy.”

Before he can say he’s more than just some boy to her and that he’s her boyfriend, she’s gone. Harry slumps forward and knuckles at his eyes. She made a fair point, he shouldn’t blame her for distracting him. He needed to create a boundary. This is probably why he was fine just having a couple of casual hookups last year as opposed to having a girlfriend. It’s much easier to just text someone if they’re up on the weekends, and then focus on school work during the week. With Y/N he just wanted to be in her company whenever he could, and with that came his urge to really be in her company. Maybe he did need some self-control. She had no problem telling him when she wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t come over, he needed to do the same.

Harry: hey, can I call you later?

Gemma: of course! I’m getting ready for bed soon though…

Harry: oh right, time zones, I’ll call you now

“What’s up, H?”

“How do you handle being in a relationship and getting good grades at the same time?” He asks as he heads out of the library, not wanting to disturb anyone.

“Jesus, you’ve been seeing this girl for all of two months. What happened, did you fail a test?”

“No! I got a C- on a French test.”

“You’re freaking out over a class that isn’t even one of your major courses?”

“What if it’s a slippery slope? You had a boyfriend in uni, how’d you manage your time?”

“I just told him when I was busy, and then we found other times to hang out. Usually we’d try to meet up for lunch or dinner if we could.”

“We usually sit with our other friends at lunch…and she doesn’t go to the dining hall for dinner because she cooks with her roommates after her workouts. We’re both really busy in our own rights, so it’s like the second we’re both free…”

“Do you have sleepovers?”

“Gemma.” Harry blushes as he gets into his apartment.

“Harry, I’m not asking you what you’re doing, I’m just asking if you spend the night.”

“Yeah, mostly on the weekends though…”

“And what night does the weekend start?”

“Sometimes on Thursdays…but she usually has early practice on Friday mornings, so-“

“I think you two should define which nights are for sleepovers. So, if you hang out on a Wednesday or something it’s clear no one’s staying over.”

“But I’d feel so guilty leaving after we…you know.”

“Just communicate about that too.”

“I don’t want her thinking I’m only going over there for that though.”

“Harry, I’m going to say this slowly. Communicate.”

“She’s probably so mad at me.” He groans as he gets into his room.

“Why?”

“I sort of blamed my grade on her…”

“Harry!”

“I know! I’m an idiot, okay?”

“Well, you better fix it. If you think a relationship in uni is distracting, a break up is ten times worse.”

Y/N was sprinting on the treadmill, she was beyond pissed. She wanted to bash Harry’s head against the table in the library. She hops off the treadmill once her run is done, and she goes into the weight room with the other girls to work with the weight trainer. She was being more quiet than usual as she lifted.

“Take a ten minute break girls, then we’ll work on the deadlifts.” The trainer says.

“Y/N, are you alright?” Ashley asks.

“No.” She looks away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Harry and I got into a fight.” She mumbles.

“Aw, about what? Want me to beat him up?”

“No.” Y/N laughs. “Thanks though. He got what he thinks is a bad grade on some test and he blamed me.”

“What the fuck?” Amanda says, overhearing the conversation. “Why would he do that?”

“Apparently he was at our place the night before his test so he didn’t study the way he should have, but that’s not my fault. He could have left or not come over at all.”

“Y/N.” Ashley sighs. “You’re both right and you’re both wrong. Try to think of it from his perspective, or, like what if the shoe was on the other foot? Like say you spent the night and overslept and missed practice. You’d probably blame him when it’s on you to make sure your alarm is set, right?”

“I guess so.”

“Cut him some slack. What was the grade?”

“Only a C-.”

“Well, if that’s a big deal to him you have to respect that.”

“Alright, ladies! Let’s get back to it.” The trainer says.

Ashley winks at Y/N, and she smiles. She was right, and talking it through calmed her down a little. She used whatever anger she still had to fuel the rest of her workout. Her, Gina, and Amanda all go home, take their turns showering and eat dinner. It was around seven when Y/N sat down to finish up some homework. Harry hadn’t texted, but she hadn’t texted him either. She wasn’t sure if she should give him some space to cool off or not. She never had to deal with something like this before.

“I’m gonna go up and try to FaceTime him, I’ll be back in a minute.” She tells the girls as she leaves the living room. The phone rings for a while, and then he finally answers. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Sorry if I’m bothering you, I just thought we should talk.”

“Please don’t break up with me.”

Harry had, like, really bad anxiety, and this entire situation flared it up. It probably didn’t help that he was always drinking coffee. He talked with Y/N briefly about it, in case he ever had an anxiety attack in front of her, he didn’t want her to be scared.

“What?! Harry, first of all, I would never do that over a fucking FaceTime, second of all, how could you think I would break up with you at all?”

“I don’t know, my sister got into my head and…sorry…I’m really sorry for snapping at you earlier, that wasn’t fair.”

“I’m sorry for not understanding how much your grade bothered you.” She chews on her bottom lip. “I should have been more sympathetic.”

“And I shouldn’t have blamed you…it was my own fault for not making more time to study. I’m trying to balance you with everything else, and it’s hard sometimes.”

“I know, but if you need to study I don’t want you to feel bad for not being able to come over or something.”

“Well, I could come over…but I can’t always spend the night.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just that…it would make me feel guilty if I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because if it’s a night we decide to hook up and I don’t stay I feel like you’d be upset. I wouldn’t want you to feel like I was only coming over for that either.”

“Harry, it’s okay. You don’t always have to spend the night afterwards. You have your own life. We can keep sleepovers for the weekends if you want.”

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. Things are just going to get crazier as finals creep up. I mean, it’s already almost Thanksgiving for fuck’s sake.”

“About that.” She smiles. “Before you got pissy at the library earlier, I was actually pretty excited to see you.”

“You were?” His face softens.

“Mhm, I talked with my mom, and well…I was wondering if you’d wanna come home with me for Thanksgiving…”

“Really?” He perks up.

“Yeah! I want you to meet the rest of my family, and you said how boring staying on campus was last year.”

“Y/N, I’d love to come home with you.” He beams. “Thank you.”

“Yay! I’m glad you want to.” She beams back. “I love you, Harry.”

“I love you, too.”

“I need to get back to my homework, and I’m sure you do too. Will you be at the game tomorrow?”

“Of course I will be.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

They both hang up and feel the same wave of relief. Harry gets back to studying, but not before texting his sister to let her know he’s been invited home with Y/N for Thanksgiving. He was too giddy to not tell someone.

Harry goes to Y/N’s game Wednesday, clad in the jersey she had given him. Sometimes he was given looks, he knew they weren’t the most typical couple, but he didn’t really care what other people thought. He sits with Andrew, Billy, Air, and her new boyfriend Scott. Niall and Louis also join, handing Harry his requested hotdog.

“Thanks, mate.” He says to Louis as he sits next to him.

“No problem. Think this is first women’s game I’ve ever been to, sort of feel guilty.”

“Me too.” Niall says. “Glad we didn’t have a game tonight. Bout time we came to see your girl play.”

Harry chuckles and shakes his head. He bites into his hotdog just as the lights dim and both teams skate out onto the ice. The crowd cheers, and his face lights up when he sees Y/N. Number 21 in all her glory. She assists two goals in the first period, giving the girls a decent lead for the second period. During the second period she gets her shit rocked by one of the bigger girls on the other team, and the wind gets knocked out of her. Harry was frightened when she didn’t immediately get up. A trainer and the coach go out onto the ice to help her up. The other girl gets benched for the rest of the game for unnecessary roughness, and the arena claps for Y/N as she’s helped off the ice.

“Oh my god, I have to, I have to go see if she’s okay!” Harry says frantically.

“Harry!” Andrew grabs him. “They’re not going to let you into the women’s locker room.”

“I know, but maybe I can go wait for her where the trainer’s office is, that’s probably where they brought her, right?”

“He’s right, mate.” Louis says. “You’ll have to wait until they bring her back out.” He puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder to get him to sit back down. “I know it sucks right now, but she’s in good hands, she’ll be alright.”

After what felt like a lifetime, Harry squints and sees Y/N sitting on the bench. Her helmet and all of her other gear was off. All she had on were her warm ups.

“Fuck, I hope she doesn’t have a concussion.”

“They wouldn’t have let her sit out there if she did.” Niall says. “No fucking way, the ice would be blinding her.”

“Bruised rib?” Harry looks at Louis and Niall.

“Har, you’ll find out soon enough.” Louis gives him a reassuring smile. “Try to calm down. She looks fine.”

Harry sighs, his leg won’t stop bouncing as he sits in the stands. The rest of the game goes by agonizingly slow. Luckily the girls won 2-0, so at least everyone would be in decent enough mood. Harry says goodbye to everyone as he nearly sprints out of the arena to wait for Y/N where he usually did down below at the ice near the skate rentals. When he sees her come through the doors with Amanda and Gina, he races over to her, throwing his arms around her top half.

“Harry! Babe, you’re crushing me!” She laughs and pats his back. His hands move to cup her jaw and he kisses her over and over.

“I was so scared! What happened? Are you alright?” His eyes scan over her body.

“I’m fine!” She giggles and takes his hands away from her face. “I got the wind knocked out of me, and they had me sit out for the rest of the game because they put some ice on my ribs.” She unzips her sweatshirt to show him. “I’m fine though, that girl just rammed into me.”

“For no fucking reason.” Gina scoffs. “She’s lucky we didn’t all attack her.”

“Whatever, at least we won.” Y/N shrugs. “Sorry I couldn’t text you or anything, phones aren’t allowed on the bench.” She says to Harry.

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“We’re all gonna go downtown for dinner to celebrate. Do you have homework or anything?”

He did have homework. He had a powerpoint he needed to work on. But he so desperately just wanted to be with her.

“Um, I have a presentation I need finish up, so…I guess I should go do that, but text me when you’re back on campus. If I’m done with everything I could come over after.”

“Okay.” She smiles and kisses him again. “Sorry you were so worried.”

“I’m just glad you don’t have a concussion or something.”

“Nope, nothing that serious.”

“Come on, we better get down there before they eat all the food.” Amanda says.

Y/N waves off to Harry and leaves with the girls. It was too bad because he liked getting dinner with the hockey girls, but he needed to stick to what he and Y/N spoke about last night. It’ll be a reward or a treat for him to see her once he’s done with his work. That was all the motivation he needed to finish up his presentation, and get some other homework done.

Harry: hey baby, I just finished everything up…do you still wanna get together? Are you doing hw?

Y/N: maybe tomorrow night, I’m really tired and we have practice in the morning. But I’ll see you at 2, right?

Harry: yeah of course. Love you, goodnight!

Y/N: love you too, night!

Harry sort of felt sad that he wasn’t seeing Y/N tonight, but he couldn’t blame her for being tired. He just wanted to hold her and make her feel better, but he thought of how small her bed was and realized how she’d probably be more comfortable sleeping in it alone. He couldn’t blame her for that either. Just as he’s settling into bed, his phone goes off and he smiles.

“Y/N?”

“Hi.”

“What’s up, babe?”

“Nothing…kinda just wanted to hear your voice…”

“God, you’re gonna make me melt into a puddle over here.” He chuckles. “Are you feeling better?”

“A little yeah. They want me to sleep sort of propped up so I can breathe easier, it’s not very comfy.”

“I’m sorry, baby. Wish I could make you feel better.”

“You are.” She smiles, not that he could see. “So you were working on a presentation? For what class?”

“My anthropology class.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It’s kind of boring…”

“I don’t care, it’ll be like you’re telling me a bed time story. Please?”

“Alright.” His heart was fluttering.

Y/N fell asleep with her headphones in listening to Harry discuss his presentation. Believe it or not, talking through it helped Harry give an even better presentation than he could have hoped for. Maybe this new system will work for them.

Harry was dressed up from his presentation when Y/N met him in the library for their tutoring session. He looked incredibly handsome in his green dress pants, white button up, and floral patterned tie to match.

“Hey.” He smiles and kisses her cheek. “Let’s finish up that outline.”

“Hey, yeah.” She sits down and takes her materials out to show him. She looks him up and down. “How’d your presentation go?”

“Oh, really well actually. Talking it over with you last night actually made me feel more prepared.”

“That’s great! Sorry I fell asleep on you.” She chews on her bottom lip. “Maybe next time I could come over and you could really practice it for me.”

“You did ask for a bedtime story.” He smirks. “It’s fine. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. I took it easy during practice this morning just in case, and the trainers are going to work with me during lifting this afternoon, but I should be fine to play Saturday.”

“That’s good, and that game’s away right?”

“Yeah and we have to leave Friday night because it’s, like, hours away or something.”

Harry nods and looks over Y/N’s outline. He marks up a few spots and lets her get to work on her paper while he works on a paper of his own. He listens as she grumbles to himself and he can’t help but laugh.

“Stop, it’s not funny. I’m not a very good writer.”

“What are you struggling with?”

“I just don’t how to articulate myself professionally sometimes.”

“So write it as if you didn’t need to be professional, and then go back and edit it. Get all of your ideas out, you know?”

“Oh, good idea! Thanks, Har.” She smiles.

“It’s what I’m here for.”

She gives him a quick peck on the cheek and he sighs happily.

“Do you want to…um, come over after your workout. We could have dinner…”

“Yeah, I’d like that. Can I bring all my shit over so I can just spend the night and get up to go to practice? You live closer to the ice arena, it would be perfect.”

“Sure! That sounds great.”

While Y/N is at her workout, Harry whips up some pasta and meat sauce that he knows she’ll like. He makes enough for Louis and Niall as well. They were usually ravenous after practice just the same. Niall and Louis come bursting through the door around when Harry is pulling some garlic bread out of the oven.

“Alright! Mum cooked!” Louis teases him.

“Oi! Go fucking wash up before you start grabbing at the food, fucking animals.” Harry scolds them. “And we’re waiting to eat until Y/N gets here, you’re lucky I even made extra for the two of you.”

“Ugh, fine.” Niall says and the two go down the hall to wash up.

There’s a knock on the door and Harry practically races over to open it. He smiles at Y/N with all her bags, and he lets her in.

“I can bring those up if you want. Go ahead into the kitchen, dinner’s all set.”

“Thanks, babe.” She pecks his lips and hands her things over to him. “Hi guys.” She says to the boys as she sits down.

“How are you feeling, Y/N?” Niall asks.

“Oh, I’m fine. Took it easy today, but I’m alright.”

“I couldn’t believe how hard that girl hit you, it was wild.” Louis says.

“Okay! Everyone can make up their own plates, have at it. Made your favorite, Y/N.”

“Thank you.” She blushes and makes up a plate.

It was like they were having a family dinner, it was sort of fun. Y/N had gotten to know Niall and Louis alright over the last couple of weeks. The boys help clean up with Y/N while Harry puts the leftovers away. The two go up to his room, and she flops onto his bed. Harry gets on and crawls up her body to straddle her. She starts giggling and shakes her head.

“What?”

“I just ate so much food, I need a minute.”

“Can you even do anything? How are your ribs?”

“They’re fine, but we probably shouldn’t be too aggressive.”

“You don’t have to do a thing if you don’t want to.”

“Harry.” She scoffs.

“We haven’t really been able to makeup since our little argument the other day, I wanna make you feel good.”

“What exactly are you proposing?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Well, you know me, I have a bit of sweet tooth.” He grins at her and she bites her bottom lip.

He situates himself between her legs and pulls her sweatpants down. She raises her hips up to help him, and he looks up at her just to make sure what they’re doing is okay. She nods yes, and he hooks his fingers into her underwear as well. He places soft kisses on her inner thigh, working his way to her center.

“H,Harry?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Would you do that thing where you, um, stick your tongue inside?” She was embarrassed and blushing, but she really liked it when he would do that.

“Want me to fuck you with my tongue?”

“Yeah.”

“Can do.” He smiles and dips his head back down.

He licks the flat of his tongue up her center and nibbles on her clit for a moment before licking into her. She bucks her hips up from the sensation, and he uses an arm to hold her down. He uses his other hand to rub her clit while he fucks her with his tongue.

“Fuck, oh my god.” She breathes and tangles his hair between her fingers.

He moves his face from side to side so she could catch some of the scruff on his chin, although, he only just started to grow some of his facial hair out. Harry shaved just about every day until Y/N told him once that she sort of liked the way it felt on her. Harry’s facial hair came in sort of patchy, so that’s why he would normally just shave it, but he was willing to grow it out a bit for her.

He rubs on her clit a little faster, and it has her panting and breathing rapidly. Her chest was heaving, and he could tell she was getting closer. She’s a whimpering mess when she comes to her release, and he continues to lap away at her.

“Holy shit.” She breathes as he sits up.

“Good?”

“So good, come here.”

He smiles and hovers over to kiss her. She was so fucked out she didn’t even care that she could taste herself on his tongue. He grinds himself against her and she winces.

“Too many clothes, get naked.” She whines.

Harry chuckles but does as she says. She takes her t-shirt off and sits up. She has him sit up against the wall so she can crawl into his lap.

“I think this’ll hurt less if I’m on top.”

“Whatever makes you more comfortable, baby.” He reaches over to his desk to grab a condom, but she swats it away.

“We’re only sleeping with each other, do we really need one?”

“I just like having it as a backup, as much as I love feeling you. Is that alright?”

“Yeah…”

She waits for him to roll it on and she slowly sinks down on top of him. He grips her hips and helps her move up and down on his dick. He bites down on her shoulder to muffle his moan when he feels how deep inside her he is. Her hands are tangled up in his hair again as she rocks back and forth on him. He licks a stripe up her neck and just under her earlobe to suck a mark on her. He snakes a hand between them to rub circles on her clit and she gasps.

“Fuck, how do you always know how to do that?” She groans. “Feels so fucking good.”

“I just know what you need, baby girl.” He nips at her bottom lip as he continues to rub her right where she needs it as she bounces up and down on his dick.

Her tongue glides against his, and she can feel sweat starting to pool between their bellies by how close they are. She feels the knot in her stomach starting to form again, and she hides her face in his neck. He keeps his other arm around her, hand gripping her ass.

“Y/N.” He groans, not being able to hold on much longer.

She cries out into his neck, and when her body starts to calm down a bit he comes. She clings to him for a moment before he lifts her off of him. She throws a t-shirt on and goes to the bathroom quickly while he slips into a pair of boxers. She double checks her two alarms, and he sets one on his clock-radio for her as well. He crawls into bed with her and spoons her. He kisses the back of her neck and sticks a leg between hers.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” He says.

“Um, sure?” She chuckles.

“When do you typically get your period?”

“What?!” She turns over and sits up. “Why, why would you ask me that?”

“Well, we’ve been together a couple of months now and you haven’t even mentioned it.”

“I…it’s not something I really wanna share with you, Harry. I don’t know, I probably got it before we started dating, and then I probably got it again before we started having sex, I…I’d have to check my pills to see when I get it next…couple of weeks, maybe?”

“I just don’t want you to think it’s something you need to keep a secret from me, like, if you wanna leave a box of tampons or whatever in the bathroom you can.”

“Harry.” She hides her face in her hands. “Please, this is too embarrassing.”

“Why?” He peels her hands away so she’ll look at him. “I just want you to feel comfortable…”

“It’s gross, that’s why. I wish I didn’t get it all, it’s a nuisance.” She sighs. “But thank you, I may bring some supplies here since you’re saying it’s alright.”

He kisses her cheek and brings her back down to him so they can spoon again. He snuggles her close and nestles into her hair. Y/N was frazzled. She had never met a guy like Harry, and she was honestly surprised he didn’t already have a girlfriend. She didn’t know a college guy could be so cool and chill about those types of things. She grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers, resting it against her lower stomach. He lets out a small sigh before falling asleep.

Y/N jumps out of Harry’s bed when she hears his clock-radio go off. He knuckles at his eyes and sits up as she shuffles around to grab her things. She goes down the hall to do her thing, and sees the bathroom door his closed. One of the boys must be in there. Louis opens the door, shirtless and only in his boxers.

“Morning.” He yawns and gestures for her to use the bathroom.

“Morning.” She blushes and goes in, and locks the door. She washes her face and brushes her teeth and quickly goes back into Harry’s room. She smiles when she sees him typing away at his laptop. “What are you doing?”

“Just answering some emails. I’m getting more tutoring requests with finals approaching.”

“I didn’t think you took a lot of classes that people would need help in.” She says as she braids her hair back.

“Well, I’m a study skills tutor too, so sometimes I meet with other students who just need tips on how to properly study.”

“Like flashcards and stuff like that?”

“There’s some of that, yeah. I explain how to code while reading, how to look at previous quizzes, sometimes they need help just emailing a professor too. I had to go through a training for it last year with the tutoring office. It’s good money so I don’t mind.”

She gets her jacket on and looks at him. She goes over and cups his jaw, giving him some kisses to his lips that were still slightly swollen from the night before.

“When do you leave tonight?”

“Around five, I think. Wanna meet up for lunch at the dining hall?”

“I’d love to.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, have a good practice.”

She grabs her things and heads out. She sees Niall and Louis getting their sneakers on.

“Do you guys have early lifts in the mornings?”

“Yeah, and then we have field times in the afternoons. So opposite of you.” Niall says. “Do you want a ride to the ice arena since we’re headed that way?”

“Do you mind? That would be great.”

“Don’t mind at all, pet.” Louis smiles and grabs one of her bags for her. “Your Harry’s girl now, so you’re our girl too.”

She giggles and follows them out to their car. She thanks them for dropping her off and she heads inside. It was a good practice, she was feeling much better. As she was changing after practice she could hear a few people snickering.

“What?” She looks at her friends.

“You and Harry really had some fun last night, huh?” Amanda says.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your neck and shoulder.” Amanda takes her mirror out of her gym locker to show her. Y/N gasps.

“Oh my god…”

“I mean, I like a hickey just as much as the next person, but shit.” Gina says.

“He…does it when he’s trying to be quiet. His roommates were home and sometimes he moans, like, really loud.” She smirks. “It’s cute.”

“Ooo, Y/N’s giving Harry that good good.” Amanda teases with a squeal.

“Shut up.” She nudges her. “I like that he moans, you always hear of guys never making any noise, what’s the fun in that?”

“The complexities of liking dick.” Gina laughs.

“You know what makes you guys lucky?” Y/N says as she pulls her sweatshirt on. “You don’t have to worry about condoms.”

“Aren’t you on the pill?” Amanda asks as they all leave the building to walk up to campus.

“Yeah, but Harry likes using condoms as a backup, which makes sense. Sometimes I just wish he wasn’t so responsible. It hurts a little whenever he pulls out when he wears one, and it kind of hurts for a couple of days after.” Both Amanda and Gina stop short. “What?”

“Do you think you’re allergic to latex?” Gina asks. “Or the spermicide?”

“Oh shit, I didn’t even think of that.” Y/N groans. “What am I supposed to use, sheepskin?” She makes a gagging noise.

“No, I’m pretty sure there are latex free condoms that aren’t sheepskin. We’re going to WalMart after lunch to get snacks for the bus, we can look while we’re there.” Amanda says.

“Good idea, thanks. Harry’s gonna join at lunch, so don’t mention any of this, okay? He worries about every little thing, and I don’t want him to get anxious.”

The girls agree, and they head to their apartment to drop their things off before class. Friday classes should be illegal, but Y/N only had Mind, Brain, and Evolution on Fridays, so it wasn’t terrible. When she finally gets to the dining hall she sees Harry waiting outside for her. God, he looked so fucking good. He had a light blue sweater on with some khakis, and his beanie. She loves the way the ends of curls would peak out of the hat. She throws her arms around him and kisses his cheek.

“You didn’t have to wait out here.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” He smiles and kisses her lips before going inside.

They both grab their food and sit down together at the girl’s hockey table. Everyone greets Harry, and he joins in on the conversations circling around him.

“Do you have anywhere to be after this?” He says to her.

“We’re going to WalMart to get snacks, and then I need to get my overnight bag together. You can come over to help me pack if you want.”

“Sounds good.”

“Are you gonna go out tonight, or anything?”

“Yeah, Louis and Niall have a home game tonight, so I’m gonna go to support them, and then there’s most likely going to be a party at the soccer house, so I’ll probably go to that for a bit.”

“Okay.”

“Is that alright?”

“Yeah, I don’t care.” She shrugs.

They kiss goodbye before she hops in Ashley’s car to go to WalMart. She grabs the snacks she wants, and then Amanda and Gina yank her down to the aisle with the condoms. They read the boxes and find a brand that still prevents against STDs, but didn’t have latex.

“Try these and then see how you feel.” Gina says. “I wish we could be more help…” She laughs.

“This is help enough, thanks. I should probably go to my doctor and just have an allergy test done.”

“You two had sex last night, right? How does your vagine feel?” Amanda asks.

“Sore, honestly.” She sighs. “I thought it was just like this because we do it a lot and it’s still so new for my body, but he’s mostly gentle when we’re doing it, I suppose being allergic to latex would make the most sense.” She throws the box in the cart with everything else. “Hey, can I ask you guys something?”

“Of course!” Amanda says.

“Anything!” Gina says.

“When you’re hooking up consistently with a girl, do you ever ask her when her period is?”

“I synced up with a girl once.” Gina says.

“Sometimes it gets brought up, like, a girl has told me when she’s on hers so we don’t venture down south, why?” Amanda asks.

“Harry asked me last night when my next one would be. I just found it to be peculiar that the topic didn’t gross him out.”

“God, every time you tell us something about him, it astounds me how much of a man he really is. I would very much like to shake his mother’s hand.” Gina says. “He’s met Ang, have you met his mom yet?”

“Well, considering that she lives in fucking London, no, I haven’t.” Y/N rolls her eyes.

“You could FaceTime.” Amanda suggests.

“We could, but I’m way too nervous. Meeting a guy’s mom is so much different that meeting the girl’s mom. I mean, it’s just her and his sister, that’s her baby boy, I wanna make sure I make a good impression.”

“He’s also your baby boy, and that’s all I’m saying on that.” Amanda says.

“Yeah, baby girl.” Gina teases.

“I’m not going to tell you guys anything he says to me anymore if you’re going to make fun of us.” Y/N pouts.

“Please! No, don’t take the stories away, they’re too good.” Gina says.

The girls pay for their things and meet up with the people they drove with, and head inside their apartment. Harry comes over to watch Y/N pack her things.

“I don’t think you got enough snacks, think you could use some more.” He says sarcastically.

“We get hungry on these longer rides.”

“You’re only going for one night.” He rummages through her WalMart bags to see what she got.

“Harry, wait-“

His eyes grow wide when he sees the box of condoms. He takes them out and holds them up.

“Why do you need these if you’re going away?”

“I hadn’t put all of my shit away yet.” She snatches the box from him and tosses it in her closet.

“You didn’t need to buy those, babe, I can take care of that.”

“Well, it’s just…you know, it should be both of our responsibility.”

“But,” He grabs the box from her closet, “this isn’t the brand I usually buy. These aren’t even ribbed.” He says as he reads the box.

“No, but…they don’t have latex in them…” She blushes and takes the box back from him. “I think I may be allergic or something.”

“How’d you come to that conclusion?”

“Because I noticed that afterwards…I’m sore for a couple of days, and-“

“Y/N.” He sighs and sits on the edge of her bed, pulling her onto his lap. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“I don’t know.” She looks down as she wraps her arms around his neck. “I thought I was just getting used to you still.”

“But if you were in pain afterwards I’d want you to tell me. Am I too rough?”

“No! That’s just it, you’re not. So…I mean, I was talking to the girls about it and they asked me if I was allergic to latex, so we got those while we were out and I figured we could give them a try when I get back. It’ll be like an experiment.”

“Is that why you don’t always want to use one?”

“Yeah, I’m never sore after we don’t use one.”

“Alright, then we’ll try those. I’m sorry, baby. If I had known we could have bought those sooner.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s on me.”

“I just want you to talk to me about these things, that’s all.”

“It’s embarrassing, Harry.” She groans. “I don’t wanna talk about my vagina with you.” She pouts.

“God, you’re cute.” He pecks her lips. “No, you just like when I lick on you, is that it?”

“Ugh, I don’t have time for this.”

“You don’t have to be at your bus until five, it’s 3:45, think you have plenty of time…if you want, that is.”

“M’sore.” She says shyly. “But…if you did wanna lick on me…I would do the same to you.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea.” He grins.

She stands up and makes sure her door is locked before getting her pants off. He takes care of her first, getting her back to arch off the bed from the sheer force of her orgasm. She practically growls at him when she undoes his pants. She gets between his legs and gets her lips wrapped around his tip in seconds. Her ass was in the air, and he couldn’t help but reach forward and finger her from behind.

“Oh!” She gasps and looks at him. “That’s different.”

“Does it feel okay?”

“Yeah…I just…it’s your turn is all.”

“Babe, we’re just having some fun, it doesn’t matter. I’ll make you come as many times as I can, I don’t give a fuck if I only get one.”

“Oh my god.” She breathes and puts her mouth back on him.

She moans around him as his fingers pump in and out of her, and it makes him buck up into her. She gags for a second but keeps going.

“Y/N.” He grunts. “This would be a little easier if we just-“

“No.” She mumbles with him still in her mouth.

“But if we just-“

“I don’t want my entire ass in your face!” She uses her hand to pump him quickly, and he removes his fingers from her to grip at her sheets. She rubs her thumb over his tip how he likes, and his eyes roll into the back of his head.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna come.” He groans, and she puts her mouth back on his tip to gets everything in her mouth.

She pops off of him and swallows. She was getting more used to that, and the taste didn’t bother her as much. Once his breathing goes back to normal he tackles her down where he was laying and she giggles.

“What are you doing?”

“Gonna finish what I started, love, otherwise you’ll be restless on that bus.” He slips his fingers back inside her and she moans out. “Course, I could be mean and just get you really worked up so you’d have to think of me while you’re in that hotel room of yours.”

“Mm, yeah, you know they make us share beds, four to a room, so that wouldn’t really, fuck, work for me.”

“Really? They don’t make the boys share beds.”

“God forbid.” She grunts as he goes in knuckle deep and curls his fingers up.

“Feel alright? I know you said you were sore earlier.”

“No, it feels fine, really good, actually.” She pants. “Fuck, Harry, oh my god!”

He loved watching her face when she’d come to her release. She always bit her bottom lip really hard and squeezed her eyes shut, and then her mouth would fall open as she’d come down. He retracts his fingers and wipes them off on his thigh before grabbing his boxers and pants to put back on.

“I just need to, um, pee. I’ll be right back.” She almost felt lightheaded as she stood up. She puts her sweatpants back on and goes down the hall to clean herself up. Amanda peeps her head out of her room, as does Gina.

“What the fuck were you two doing in there?” Gina chuckles.

“Um, he just made me come so hard that everything went white, so…”

“Damn, boy’s got a good dick.” Amanda says.

“He does, but he didn’t use it. Just his fingers.”

“Oh shit.” Gina says, impressed. “Maybe he was a lesbian in another life.”

They all burst out laughing, and Y/N goes back to her room. She kisses Harry a few times and then finishes getting her bags together.

“I’ll text you later when we’re at the hotel. Have fun at the soccer game.”

“I will, safe travels. When do you think you’ll be back tomorrow?”

“No idea, but I’ll let you know once we hit the road.”

“Sounds good, love you.” He pecks her lips.

“Love you too.” She smiles and waves him off as he leaves.

The boys and girls soccer teams won, so there was a rager at the boy’s soccer house. Harry pregames with Niall and Louis before going over. He had a long-sleeve black button up on with the first few buttons undone, and a ripped pair of black jeans. He cracks open a beer and sips on it as he talks to some of the guys at the house.

Harry gets a good buzz going, opting to play a few rounds of beer pong, and flip cup with some people he knew in the kitchen.

Y/N: just got to the hotel, hope you’re having a good night!

Harry: wish you were here, missing my dance partner ;p sweet dreams baby

“Harry, you’re turn!” Niall shouts and Harry flips his cup effortlessly. He finishes off his drink and grabs another one.

“Well, look who it is.” A girl named Maggie comes up to Harry to make a drink of her own. Harry hooked up with Maggie last semester.

“Maggie, um, hi.” He blushes. “How are you.”

“Good! Haven’t seen you since school started.”

“Yeah, I got busy…with the, uh, tutoring.”

“Right.” She nods and takes a sip of her drink. “You look good, Har.”

“Thanks.” He takes a sip of his own drink.

“So, are you here alone?”

“I came with Niall and Louis.” He points over to the guys as they’re still playing flip cup.

“No, I mean…” She puts her hand on his shoulder and steps closer to him. “Like, you’re not here with anyone?”

“Well…my girlfriend is away tonight, she’s on the hockey team.” He swallows, unsure of what in the fuck was happening. “They have an away game tomorrow, so they had to leave tonight to get there on time.”

“Poor thing.” She pouts at him. “Are you feeling a little lonely? I know how you can be.” She had backed him into a corner and pressed herself up against him. His hands were not on her at all and he just didn’t know what to do.

“Maggie, could you, uh, you’re a little too close.”

“Am I?” She bats her eyelashes up at him. “I don’t think we’re close enough, if you ask me.”

Harry looks over at Niall and Louis, hoping to catch their attention. He didn’t want to be rude, but he needed this girl to step off. He looks down at her and frowns.

“Did you not hear me? I said I have a girlfriend.”

“I heard you say she was gone for the night. Come on, Harry, have a little fun. You’re not married.”

“This isn’t fun for me.” He pushes her away and goes over to Niall and Louis. He tells them what happened and that he’s going to leave.

“Mate, don’t go.” Louis frowns. “Night’s just getting started.”

“I’m not having fun anymore. I used to hook up with Maggie, and we hooked up right when school started. Y/N’s not here, and I don’t feel right.”

“So…what, you’re not gonna come out unless she’s with you?” Niall asks.

“What’s the main goal of coming to a party? Finding someone to hook up with. I don’t need to be here if she’s not here. It’s too dangerous. I’m gonna go home, I’ll see you guys later.”

“Wait.” Louis sighs. “We’ll come with you.”

“No, you guys had a major win tonight, you should stay and celebrate. I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“You’re drunk, H, we should go with you.” Niall says.

“M’not drunk. I can make it back. Please stay, it’s fine.”

Harry makes his way out of the house and bumps into Maggie again.

“For fuck’s sake.” He says to himself as she looks at him with a devious smile.

“Where you going, Harry?”

“Home.”

“Need some company?”

“Not from you.” He shakes his head and she pouts at him.

“Damn, who knew some hockey bitch could have you so whipped.”

He wanted to strangle her, and Harry was not a violent person in the slightest. He just couldn’t believe one female athlete would say that about another.

“You may be alright with trying to fuck up someone’s relationship, but I’m not. Get some fucking help.” He brushes by her and gets out of the house quickly. The cold air hits him a little too hard, and his stomach turns. He shakes it off and makes his way home. He couldn’t believe that even after he said he had a girlfriend that Maggie would still try to pull a move on him.

Harry gets inside and feels so disgusted that he decides to take a shower. Maybe taking a shower while buzzed wasn’t a great idea, but it certainly calmed him down. He was never going to a party without Y/N again. The thing he wasn’t sure about was if he should tell her about the altercation. Maybe if he had been sober he would have waited until the morning to text her, but there he was, towel hanging low on his hips, water dripping from his hair, as he typed out his message.

Harry: baby, I’m home now, I had to leave that party. I know you’re sleeping, but this girl tried to hook up with me, even after I told her I had a girlfriend! Can you believe that?! I got away from her, but she got really close to me. Nothing happened, but I just wanted you to know…for whatever reason. I love you so much, I hope you know I would never do anything to put our relationship at risk. I’m sorry for texting you like this while you’re sleeping, I just needed you to know.

His anxiety had fully taken over at this point. After he hit send he immediately regretted it. He knew he should have waited.

“Fucking moron.” He chews on his nails. Now he had to wait until morning for her to answer. He flops onto his bed and puts his headphones in so he could fall asleep to a podcast.

Y/N rubs her eyes as she wakes up the next morning, and they widen when she sees the massive text from Harry.

“What the fuck?” She says, sitting up.

“What is it?” Amanda groans next to her, sitting up as well.

“Some girl tried to fuck Harry last night!”

“What?!” This wakes Gina up in the other bed. They were also rooming with this other girl Becca who they were pretty good friends with.

“He said nothing happened, and he left right away, but she got really close to him even after he said he had a girlfriend.” She sighs. “Fuck, do you guys mind if I call him quick? His anxiety must be through the roof. He sent this at like one in the morning.”

“Go ahead, Y/N.” Amanda rubs her back as she dials his number.

“Y/N?” Harry says groggily through the phone.

“Hey, I just saw your text, are you alright?”

“M’fine.” He mumbles.

“Did you know this girl prior?”

“Yeah…”

“How?”

“She…well…ugh, don’t be made, but I used to hook up with her. Mostly last semester, and then a couple times when school started. It was before we met, Y/N.”

“So…she came up to you thinking you were single, you told her you weren’t, and she still tried to take you home?”

“Yeah, but I got away from her.”

“Where were Niall and Louis?”

“Playing flip cup, they offered to leave with me, but I told them they didn’t need to.”

“What’s this girl’s name?”

“What does it matter?”

“I just wanna know.”

“Maggie…she’s a junior.”

“Wonderful.”

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not…and nothing happened?”

“No! I got outta there and went right home. I’m so sorry, I’m never going out without you again.”

“Don’t say that, you can go out. I want you to have fun, Harry.”

“I didn’t have much fun last night.” He mumbles.

“I’m sorry, Harry. Hopefully that girl has learned her lesson.”

“I know you’re probably gonna be tired when you get back to campus later, but…would you come over?”

“Of course! The second I get to campus I’ll be at your place, alright?”

“Okay…thanks babe.”

“Yeah.” She looks at the girls and she feels terrible. “Did you sleep last night?”

“I listened to a podcast and it helped me drift off, yeah.”

“Okay.” She sighs. “We have to get ready and eat breakfast and stuff…”

“Alright, I’ll be watching the live stream later, so know I’ll be rooting for you.”

“Thanks.” She smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Y/N goes onto Harry’s Instagram to see who follows him, looking for anyone named Maggie. She finds one, and her page wasn’t private, so she was able to look at her photos.

“This girl used to hook up with Harry, and she tried to last night. She’s…like…really pretty.” Y/N frowns, and show’s Amanda. “He said he left right away, but…how could he go from her to me.”

“Y/N!” Gina says. “You’re one of the fucking hottest girls on campus, don’t talk about yourself like that. Besides, he got out of there because he wants you, not her, and because he’s not a fucking dick. Don’t let this bother you.”

The game went really well. The girls won 4-2, and had a nice big dinner to celebrate. Y/N texts Harry the second they’re on the road. He tells her to let her know when the buses are close so he can meet her down at the ice arena to walk her back to his place.

He got some homework done, and spoke to Niall and Louis about how uncomfortable Maggie had made him. They apologized for not immediately going home with him to make sure he was alright. Harry smirks when he sees some of the other significant others waiting down at the ice arena for the girls. It was only around 9:30 when the bus pull in.

“My house, one hour, ladies!” Ashley yells as everyone gets off the bus.

Y/N runs right over to Harry, and throws her arms around him. He lifts her up so her legs can wrap around his waist. She kisses all over his face, and he smiles.

“Hey, beautiful. That was a great game.”

“You watched the whole thing?”

“Mhm.”

“You’re the best.” He sets her down and grabs her bags for her. “We don’t have to go to Ashley’s tonight if you don’t want to.”

“Do you want to?”

“Well…yeah, but-“

“I’ll go.” He shrugs. “Could use some actual fun after last night.”

“We don’t have to stay long, I just wanna make an appearance.”

“S’fine with me, love.”

They both get ready, and before they leave, Y/N goes into the living room to see Louis and Niall playing video games. She clears her throat so they’ll look at her. They pause the game.

“Do you guys wanna come to the hockey house with us?”

“Sure!” Louis says. “Sounds like fun.”

“Yeah, I’m in.” Niall says.

Harry puts his arm around Y/N’s shoulders as they walk to Ashley’s place. They all get to drinking once they’re there, and it’s a great time as always. Y/N and Harry get into a game of up and down the river with some of the other girls. That game was extremely dangerous, but super fun. Once they’re done, they find themselves in the basement, dancing the night away.

“Missed you so much last night.” Harry says into her ear as she grinds back against him.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” His hands grips her hips harder to pulls her even closer. He starts kissing on her neck and her head rolls back to his shoulder.

“Missed you too.” She turns around to press her front to his and his hands slide down to her ass. “I have some of those new condoms in my bag…” She kisses on his neck. “Wanna go try them?”

“Yup!” He yanks her up the stairs from the basement, through the house and outside. He gives her a piggyback ride back to his place, and she continues to kiss on his neck.

He gets them inside and up the stairs to his room. She rifles through her bag for the condoms and takes them out. He cups her jaw and sticks his tongue in her mouth, and she immediately sucks on it. She tugs at the collar of his shirt, and starts to unbutton it the rest of the way. She pushes his shirt off his shoulders and kisses down his stomach as she gets on her knees to undo his pants. She yanks his jeans and boxers down and gives his hard cock a few licks and kisses before standing up. He pulls her top off and gets her out of the rest of her clothes. He snatches a condom and rolls it on. He gets her on the bed and opens her legs up. He rubs his fingers up and down her slit to make sure she’s wet before pushing in.

“Oh fuck!” She cries. “Harry.” She moans as he rocks in and out of her.

He looks down between the two of them to watch himself go in and out. She grabs one of his hands to put on her breast. He gets the idea and leans down to suck on one of her nipples while he kneads the other one.

“Harder, Harry, please.” She whines.

He sits up a little and puts her legs over his shoulders. He gives it to her hard and fast, and it fucking sends her. Her head rolls back into his pillows and she grips at the sheets. His tip rubs up against her g-spot over and over, and she can feel herself almost ready to lose it. He feels her squeezing around him, and he loves it. He loves being the only one to do this to her.

“Okay?” He grunts.

“Amazing! Don’t stop!” She doesn’t give a fuck how loud she’s being, she feels way too good to care.

He drops one of her legs to rub at her clit, he barely even needs to touch her and she loses it. She cries out, but he doesn’t let up. He continues to thrust in and out of her.

“Come here.” She whimpers.

They’re chest to chest, kissing sloppily, as his thrusts get less rhythmic. She knew he had to be close now.

“Wanna come, Harry?” She coos.

“Want me to?”

“Don’t you want to?” She laughs.

“I could actually keep going.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” She laughs again and so does he.

“Think I’ve got the opposite of whiskey dick.”

“I’m good to keep going.” She bites her bottom lip. “Wanna try something fun?” He nods yes and kisses on her neck. “What if I ride you, but reverse?”

He pulls out of her immediately, and gets them both in position, making her giggle. He lays flat on his back while she raises and lowers on him. She looks over her shoulder at him. His head was thrown back and he was squeezing at her hips. He sits up and she squeals when he starts thrusting up into her. He gets an arm hooked around her, squeezing one of her breasts, and his other hand rubs at her clit.

“Oh fuck.” He groans. “I’m gonna come, oh my fucking god.” He bites down on her shoulder, and this pushes her over the edge, and feeling her release pushes him over the edge. He spills into the condom and cries out into her neck. “Jesus Christ.” He breathes. He kisses on her shoulder as he catches his breath. “Alright, up you go, babe.” He lifts her off and she whimpers at the loss of him.

He gets up to throw the condom away, and she puts on his black button up to go use the bathroom. He uses it after her and comes back to her nearly passed out in the bed.

“M’so tired, Harry.” She whines.

“I know, you’ve had a long day, huh?” He climbs into bed with her.

“Yeah.” She snuggles up to him and he throws his arm around her. “But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.” She kisses on his chest and it makes him smile ear to ear.

Even though a few days had passed from the soccer house incident, Y/N grimaced every time she saw Maggie around. Harry assured Y/N that it really wasn’t that big of a deal, and that they should both let it go. He didn’t even know she would know who Maggie was. Harry said he liked sportier girls, but Maggie wasn’t sporty in the slightest. She was tall and skinny, she could be a model for Christ’s sake. Y/N spots Ari in the dining hall during breakfast one morning, and goes over to her while she’s making a coffee.

“Hey, Ari.” Y/N says shyly.

“Oh, um, hi, Y/N.”

The girls weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t exactly enemies either. Ari was dating Scott, but Y/N was still the girl that crushed all chances of her getting with Harry.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You’ve been close with Harry for a while…do you remember when he was hooking up with some girl named Maggie?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” She sighs as she adds some cream to her coffee. “They had public speaking together last semester, and I guess it was a debate day and they were on opposing sides, and the next thing he knew he was getting his dick sucked in the custodial closet in Smith Hall.” She rolls her eyes. “They hooked up pretty consistently, mostly on the weekends after a party. I thought he was done with her after this summer, but I guess the hooked up a couple of times at the beginning of the school year. Then you sort of started to take over.” She sips her coffee. “He was very concerned about tutoring you, or whatever. The boys mostly talked with him about Maggie, I didn’t really care to listen. She had texted him one night and he didn’t answer…he said he had a thing for someone else and didn’t want to fuck her anymore.”

“Wow.” Y/N was trying to take everything in. “He really said that?”

“I didn’t take you for the insecure type, Y/N.”

“It’s hard not to be…she’s, like, perfect.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah.”

“I honestly only think he was hooking up with her because she had more experience than he did. And I think he only hooked up with her at the beginning of the school year because he wanted to show her how much better he had gotten over the summer or something.”

“Seriously?” She makes a disgusted face.

“Harry’s a great guy, but he’s still a guy.” She chuckles. “Anyways, he’s really into you, you have to know that.”

“I do…I guess I just freaked out for a second. She saw him at a party Friday and tried to make a move.”

“I heard about that. You shouldn’t worry, he got right out of there.”

“That’s what he said.” She smiles at the girl. “Thanks, Ari.”

“No problem.” She shrugs and walks away.

Harry and Y/N were doing homework together in his room one evening. He lifts his glasses and knuckles at his eyes.

“Alright, I think I need a break before my eyes pop out of me head.” He closes his laptop and gets up. “Need a snack? I’m gonna grab some chips.”

“Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

He nods and leaves to go retrieve some food. He comes back with a couple of sodas and chips, and tosses her a can.

“I’ve been needing to ask, how have you been feeling with those condoms?”

“Oh!” She nearly chokes on her soda. “Um, good. I’m not sore anymore. When I go home go home for winter break I’m gonna see my doctor so she can check me out and test me for the allergy.”

“Good idea. I’m glad you’re not in any pain, I felt really bad.” He sips on his soda and pops a few chips into his mouth. “I’m really excited to go home with you in a few days.”

“Me too!”

“What will the, uh, sleeping arrangements be like?”

“As chill as my mom is, we can’t stay in the same room.” She rolls her eyes. “So you’ll be in my room, and I’m going to bunk with my sisters.”

“And you have a younger sister and brother, right?”

“Mhm, my sister is a senior, and my brother is a freshman.”

“Little guy.”

“Mhm, he was quite the surprise, but he’s super cute.”

“Do they play sports too?”

“My brother plays hockey, but my sister is into theater. She’s applied to every school in New York she could, but also applied here as a backup.”

“Do you two get along or not so much?”

“When we were in high school not at all, but we do now. I think the distance made her miss me. We shared a room when we were younger so we were just always on top of each other. My mom was able to buy a bigger house when the bar really took off.”

“And…your dad?”

“Not in the picture.” Y/N chomps down on a chip. “He sends us birthday cards and shit like that, but that’s all the contact I need from him. I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” She shrugs. “We shut down the bar on Thanksgiving and have a big dinner in there with our family, I think you’ll really like it.”

“I’m looking forward to it, babe. What time is she coming to get us Wednesday?”

“She said around nine. You should probably let us pick you up here. I’m sure she knows what we’re doing, but she doesn’t need to see it first-hand.”

“Good idea.”

“Also, since you to know these things…I do have my period, so there won’t be much funny business.”

“Can’t really fool around when we’re staying in separate rooms, can we?” He smirks.

“Please, she’ll be running around the bar at night, I’m sure I could sneak in a blow job.”

“Wouldn’t feel like doing that now would you?”

“Not particularly.” She chuckles and then pouts at him when he makes an offended face. “Just not in a very sexy mood right now. My cramps are killing me.”

“Do you need any ibuprofen?”

“No, I took some earlier, thanks. I think just some cuddles tonight will do the trick.”

“That can definitely be arranged.” He kisses her cheek. “After we finish up the rest of this homework.”

“What are your finals looking like? I have one paper, and four presentations. Four! I mean, I’m glad I don’t have an actual test, but still. It’s a lot to remember.”

“Is the paper for Mind, Brain, and Evolution?”

“Yeah, I’ve already started it. Do you think when I finish it you could give it a once over?”

“I’d be happy to, babe. I have a few presentations, two of them are group projects which is super annoying for a final. I’ll be happy when this semester is over.”

“Me too. I get two weeks off, and then I come back second week of January. We have a lot of games.”

“When does the season end? Do you ever get a break?”

“It technically ends at the beginning of February, but if we make it to the playoffs and championship it could be beginning of March, and then we get a break. We all still go to the gym and stuff together, but I get a couple of months where I can sleep in which is nice.” She grabs her laptop and so does he. “What do you do for winter break?” She asks without looking at him.

“I go home, I’m really excited. I’ve secured a paid internship at a law office. I’ll miss working in the bakery, but I can do that over the summer if I want. This’ll be a way better use of my time.”

“That’s really exciting, Har. Is that what you want to do? Law?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. I’m just trying out some different things. I really like what I’m learning in my ethics class, so I thought maybe law would be cool. It would mean a lot of extra school though, so we’ll see.” He shrugs. “Six whole weeks we won’t see each other, gonna miss me?” He grins.

“Shut up.” She nudges him. “We’ll just have to figure out when to FaceTime with the time change.”

“It’s only six hours ahead, it’ll be easy enough to figure out. I’ll be able to introduce you to all my friends…and, um, maybe my mum too?”

“I’d like that.” She smiles at him and gets back to her work.

The ride to Y/N’s house only takes about an hour and twenty minutes. Harry sat in the back and listened as Angie spoke about how the weekend would go.

“Harry, I hope you don’t mind staying in Y/N’s room. I guess I’m old fashioned that way.”

“Oh! It’s no problem at all. Your house, your rules. I’m grateful you invited me. It was really boring on campus last year.”

“We’re happy to have you, honey.” She smiles back at him and then looks at Y/N. “Your siblings have a half day today, so they should be home around eleven.”

“What are their names again?” Harry asks as Angie pulls into driveway.

“Julie and Cooper.” Y/N says as she gets out.

Harry grabs their bags, and she leads him inside, and up the stairs.

“So, my mom’s bedroom is downstairs, makes it easier for her to be quiet on the late nights, and then all of ours are up here.” Y/N explains. “Here’s my room. My sister and I have a Jack and Jill bathroom, and then there’s another on down the hall.”

She pushes the door open and Harry gazes around. Her room was…shocking. It was a lot different from her room from school. The walls were a light pink, and her bedding was baby blue. She had plenty of trophies, but she also had posters of boy bands. There was a huge Jonas Brothers poster on the wall opposite of the bed. She also had a large poster of Zac Efron, and Tyler Seguin.

“It’s a little outdated in here, I just never think to redecorate.” She shrugs.

“No, it’s, um, it’s cute.” He clears his throat and puts his bag on her bed.

“Here, I’ll show you the bathroom.”

“And I’ll share this with you and your sister?”

“Yeah, but if you feel more comfortable you can use the one down the hall.”

She opens the door and shows him where he can put his things, if he wants, and then she shows him her sister’s room, which was a mess. She had a set of bunk beds, which had clothes all over them.

“Ugh, I told her she needed to clean up in here.” Y/N rolls her eyes. “Sorry about that.” She shuffles him back into her room.

“No worries, looks like any other house.” He smiles.

They both go downstairs and she shows him the rest of the house. Angie was working to whip up some sandwiches for lunch.

“You have a lovely home.” Harry says as he and Y/N sit down at the kitchen island.

“Oh, thank you, sweetheart.” She smile and places two sandwiches in front of them.

“Thanks, mum.”

“I have to go do some work in the office, let Julie and Coop know there’s lunch made when they come in.” She smiles and leaves the kitchen.

“Your mum is really nice.”

“She loves it when she has all of us home, and she loves being a host.”

“I cannot believe you did that!”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Oh boy.” Y/N sighs. “They’re home.”

“I’m never driving your friends home ever again, in fact, you can fucking walk!” Julie storms into the kitchen and stops short.

“Technically, that’s my car, and I say you have to drive him.”

“Y/N!” Julie smiles and hugs her sister. “Cooper and his friend decided to spill the beans that I have a crush on my friend Brian, and Brian just so happened to be in the front seat of my car.”

She huffs and grabs a sandwich. Y/N puts her hands on her hips and looks at Cooper.

“Why would you do that?”

“It just slipped out.” He shrugs and hugs her. “Oh, yum, mum made sandwiches.” He snatches one and looks at Harry, so does Julie.

“Sorry, this is my boyfriend, Harry.”

“It’s nice to meet you both.”

Julie’s jaw drops when she hears his accent. She goes over to Y/N and whispers in her ear.

“You didn’t say he was British!”

“I can hear you.” Harr whispers and smirks.

“Sorry, um, it’s just…I wish I had known sooner. Our production at school is Mary Poppins, I’m Mary Poppins, and it just would have been nice to listen to you talk so I could study a real accent. I’ve just been watching videos of Julie Andrews.”

“Wow! You’re the lead, that’s so cool. Will we get to see it?”

“Mhm, opening was last weekend, but we always do a show during Thanksgiving break. Friday night.” She smiles and then heads upstairs.

“Clean up the clothes up there!” Y/N yells after her.

“Cooper, Y/N tells me you play hockey too, has your season started?”

“Not until after the holidays.” He finishes up his sandwich. “Not that it matters.” He rolls his eyes.

“Why do you say that?” Y/N asks.

“Because I’m a freshman on the varsity team, I’m gonna be riding the bench the whole season.”

“You made vars for a reason, they’ll let you play.” Y/N assures him, and then he leaves.

“You’re all so talented. Your sister is a lead in a play, your brother’s on the varsity team, and you…well, everything about you is amazing.”

“Harry.” She pouts and then kisses him. “You’re so sweet.”

“So, what are the plans for tonight?”

“Well, my mom is gonna go to the bar to work and to prep some of the food for tomorrow.”

“Does she need help?”

“Nope, she makes a lot of it advance. Most if it thawing in the fridges probably. We’ll hang out here for a bit, and then we’ll go to my friend Max’s house for a kickback.”

“Max, huh?”

“Just a friend.” She smiles and then furrows her brows. “I think you’re, like, my first real boyfriend.” She blushes.

“Awwww.” He squishes her face and kisses her. “I’m honored.”

Harry and Y/N mostly hang out in her room. Julie was mindlessly singing in her room, and Cooper was playing video games in his. Y/N ends up heating up a lasagna that Angie left for them for dinner.

“I need my car tonight.” She tells Julie.

“Why?”

“Max is having a party.”

“Can I come?”

“No.”

“Why not?!”

“Don’t you have your own friends to hang out with?” Y/N groans. “I’m not bringing you to a party where a bunch of my friends are going to be drinking and smoking and whatever else, plus, you need to stay home with Coop.”

“I’m fifteen, I don’t need a babysitter.” He scoffs.

“Can you both please just give me a break? I’m only home for a few days, and I just want one night to go see my friends.”

“Will you take us Black Friday shopping?” Julie asks.

“Fine.”

“Okay, your keys are in the bowl by the door.”

Harry and Y/N get ready in her room, and let Julie and Cooper know that they’re heading out and will be home a little after midnight. She needed to be home before her mom.

“So, how long have you been friends with Max? You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“Known him since elementary school, became good friends in eighth grade, became even better friends in high school. We talk when we can. He goes to a school a few hours away, and we’re both busy.” She shrugs. “Some other friends will be there too: Michelle, Brandy, Ryan, Candace, and probably others. Max has a big basement.”

She pulls up in front of his house, and goes around back to where the basement door was. She walks right in, and she squeals along with some other people. It was hugs all around. She introduces Harry to everyone, and grabs a couple of drinks out of the cooler. There were people vaping, and there were other people smoking weed.

“Y/N!” Max exclaims.

“Max!”

He lifts her up and spins her around, and kisses her cheek. Harry clears his throat.

“Max, this is my boyfriend, Harry. Remember, I told you I was bringing him?”

“Oh, right.” He shakes Harry’s hand. “Nice to meet you, man.”

“Same here.”

Harry looked hot tonight. He had his contacts in, he was wearing his black ripped jeans, and a dark green sweater. He puts his arm around Y/N’s shoulders and takes a sip of his drink. Harry stays sort of quiet as Y/N catches up with her friends, but she never leaves his side. She tells all of them how she and Harry met, and she kisses his cheek. It felt nice to finally bring a real date around her friends. Harry notices how attentive Max is to Y/N. Offering her a new drink just about every time her current one was empty.

They all get into a game of flip cup for a bit, and then someone starts playing really good music so a few people start to dance.

“Did you all party like this in high school?” Harry asks Y/N as he grips her hips.

“God, no! We’d usually just watch movies or hang out down here. We started having parties like this over the summer.”

“His parents can’t hear?”

“They’re not home! Everyone’s down at my mom’s bar drinking. She always does this big special the night before Thanksgiving. No one wants to cook the night before, you know?”

“Smart!”

She wraps her arms around his neck and grinds her front against his. They were having a great time.

“Damn, Y/N’s boyfriend is hot!” Michelle says to Max.

“I guess.” He mumbles.

“What are you so bent out of shape for?” Ryan asks.

“I don’t know…I forgot she was bringing him home. I didn’t think things were this serious, look at them!”

“She told me that they love each other.” Michelle says.

“Not helping.” Max groans. “It’s my own fucking fault. Should have made a move last summer.”

“Didn’t you guys make out?” Ryan asks.

“We kissed, and that was forever ago. It was summer before we went for freshman year. She hadn’t been kissed and neither had I, and we both wanted our first kiss to be special, so we got it over with, with each other. Neither of us ever talked about it again, but I wish I had. Now she’s kissing someone else.” He sighs.

And she was. Her tongue was inside Harry’s mouth. Her period was making her extra needy for him. She pulls him back towards the couch in the basement. There were plenty of other people making out, so it wasn’t a big deal. He sits down and she sits on one of his thighs, not wanting to straddle him and risk leaking. She tugs at his hair and attaches her lips to his neck. He gropes at her ass and bites his bottom lip as she sucks on his soft skin.

“Do you think, um, you’ll be able to drive back to my house?” She says into his ear.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Are you about ready to go?”

“Mhm.” She grins. “But I want you to drive us out somewhere first, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go with someone special.”

He smiles and nods. They both get up and say their goodbyes. Y/N hugs her friends, and gives Max an extra squeeze before leaving. She tells Harry where to go, and they end up parked out on this hill that has a beautiful view of the water and the nearby city.

“Wow.” He says. There are other cars parked and he smirks. “Did you bring me to a make out spot?”

“Maybe.” She grins. “I’ve only ever been here during the day. Wanna get in the back?”

He nods and they both get into the back seat. She kisses on him before inching down his body and undoing his jeans. She tugs his cock out and she starts pumping him. He holds her hair back while she gets her lips around him.

“Fuck.” He breathes.

She swirls her tongue around his tip and then licks around his shaft before sucking on him again. She moans around him and his eyes roll into the back of his head. She bobs her head up and down on him, and he starts to carefully thrust his hips up and move her head. He was fucking her mouth, he couldn’t help it. She was so wet and warm and perfect, and she was just letting him take control.

“Y/N.” He moans. “Feels so fucking good.”

She moans around him again, and he loses it without warning. She gags on him for a second, but she’s able to take it all, and then she swallows. She breathes heavily as she pops off him. She tucks him back into his pants and he pulls her face down to his. He bites and sucks on her bottom lip.

“How heavy is your flow?” He breathes.

“Don’t even go there.” She laughs and pulls away from him.

“Just wanna take care of you, baby.”

“It’s okay.” She smiles. “Come on, we need to get back to my house.”

Harry drives them back to her house, and they get inside. They both do their nightly routines and she gives him a kiss goodnight. She crawls into the bottom bunk of her in her sister’s room and settles in.

“Hey.” Julie whispers.

“Hey.” Y/N whispers back. “Do you always sleep on the top bunk?”

“No, I just thought it would be easier for you when you got in.”

“Oh.” She laughs. “Thanks.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Mhm, I took Harry to the lookout on that hill after the party. It was nice. Are you still upset about the Brian thing?”

“No.” She giggles. “He texted me and told me he liked me too. We’re gonna go out Saturday after the matinee. I’m excited for you to see the show.”

“That’s great! And me too.”

“Is it torturous to have Harry in your bed without you?”

“A little, but I don’t wanna disrespect mom. This’ll be fine for a few days. I have my period anyways, so it’s not like we can do much.”

“What was your first time like?”

“It was…special.” She smiles to herself.

The girls stay up talking until they fall asleep.

The next morning, Y/N crawls into her bed with Harry to have a little snuggle. They giggle and get up eventually. They all take turns showering and getting ready before going downstairs. Y/N drives them all to the restaurant to meet Angie there and help get everything set up.

“Wow.” Harry says as they walk into the bar. “This place is huge.”

“Yeah! We have live bands here and stuff, it’s so cool.” She walks him to the back where food was cooking.

“Smells so good back here.” He says.

“Thanks!” Angie says.

Everyone helps set up the tables and chairs, and family slowly starts to show up. Y/N introduces Harry to her aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. The long table was full of laughing and loud conversations. Harry really enjoyed the food that Angie had put together. He was happy to see that Y/N came from a really loving family.

They all take a nap after getting home, and then wake up around eleven to go to the mall for Black Friday shopping. They spend a few hours there, shopping for holiday gifts, and head home around two in the morning. Harry had so much fun, never having gone shopping like that before. Saturday, Angie takes everyone to Julie in Mary Poppins for a matinee. Julie was very talented, and Harry secretly hoped she was able to go to school in New York like she wanted. Saturday evening Harry plays video games with Cooper in the living room while Y/N spends some alone time with her mom. Things were going really well until the doorbell rang. Cooper sighs and pauses the game. He looks out the window first to see who it is.

“Shit.” He says and runs to the back of the house where Y/N and Angie were in the office. “Dad’s here.”

“What?!” Angie says. “Christ, he must’ve come to see Julie today. I’m glad she’s out with Brian.”

Y/N and Angie walk out to the living room, and Angie opens the door, crossing her arms.

“What do you want, Robert?”

“It’s Thanksgiving weekend, I just wanted to see the kids.”

“You don’t have any sort of custody over them for a reason, you need to leave.”

“Y/N? Is that you? How’s school, honey?”

Y/N scoffs and rolls her eyes. Harry isn’t sure what to do expect put his arm around her as they sit on the couch. Cooper sits closely on her other side.

“I saw Julie perform today, she was amazing.”

“Yes she was, and I’ll pass the message along, now please go.” She steps forward and whispers. “I don’t want to have to call the police.”

“I just want to see my kids.”

“You have two other kids, go be with them and your wife. Does she know you drove all the way out here?”

“No.”

“Robert, get out of here. They don’t want to see you.”

She goes back inside and slams the door shut in his face. She locks it up and looks out the window to make sure he leaves. He sticks an envelope in the mailbox and gets into his car. She sighs heavily and plops down onto the couch.

“I’m so sorry about that.” She more so says to Harry. “He does this around most holidays.”

“It’s alright.” Harry assures her. “Every family has their issues.”

“Well, I don’t know about you all, but I’m pooped, and I need to take you back in the morning, so I may turn in.” She kisses Cooper on the top of his head and goes to her room.

After Julie gets home, and dishes about her date with Brian, Y/N goes to cuddle with harry for a bit. He wanted to ask what exactly happened with her dad, but he didn’t want to pry.

“That was really embarrassing earlier, I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, babe.”

“It’s just…like, ten years ago, we found out he was having an affair. He was shit to us, but amazing to this other woman. He had two kids with her, and was giving all of his money to her. My mom won full custody in court, all three of us said we wanted nothing to do with him, and she had a really good lawyer. It sucked, but we got through it. He ended up marrying her…and…well, we think he had a drinking problem or something, so now he’s trying to make up for lost time. Maybe someday I’ll forgive him, but right now I can’t stand him.”

“I’m so sorry.” He caresses her cheek. “That had to have been really hard.”

“The three of us had to see a therapist together, it was wild.”

Harry wasn’t sure what to say. His parents divorced when he was really little, and he had a decent enough relationship with his father. He really couldn’t relate, but what he could do was sit and listen as she spoke, and gives her back gentle rubs as she continued to explain her trauma.

“Harry, do you mind if I drop you off first, sweetheart? I’m going to take Y/N grocery shopping.” Angie says as they approach the exit for campus.

“Not at all! Works for me.”

“Unless…do you need groceries?”

“I’ll go with my roommates later, they have a car, but thank you.”

He thanks her again for having him for the weekend, and tells Y/N he’ll text her later. Angie and Y/N go grocery shopping and she helps her get everything into her apartment.

“So…” Angie says. “I like him a lot. He’s very sweet, Y/N.”

“Yeah, he is.” They both sit down on her couch. “Thanks again for letting him stay for the weekend. I’m happy he got to meet everyone.”

“You really like each other, huh?”

“Well…we sort of love each other mom.”

“Oh, honey.” She puts her hand over hers. “I’m so happy you have someone that makes you feel this way, but try not to get too wrapped up, okay? He’s your first real boyfriend, and he lives in London when he’s not here, and-“

“We’re nineteen, I’m not saying we’re getting married, can you calm down?” She laughs.

“I just don’t want you getting heart broken when things get hard over the summer when you can’t be together all the time. Winter break is one thing, but three entire months apart…anything could happen.”

“I don’t know if he goes home for the entire summer. Louis and Niall don’t because of soccer. We haven’t talked about it yet. We’re just going with the flow.”

“Alright.” Her mom smiles. “I just worry about you, that’s all. You’re all growing up so fast.”

Y/N and her mom hug before she leaves, and then Y/N goes upstairs to unpack her bags. She gets a reminder on her phone that she needs to register for classes tomorrow morning. She had already spoken with her advisor about it, but she wanted Harry’s opinion on her gen eds.

Y/N: mom’s gone, are you around?

Harry: yeah! Just got back from the store, wanna come over?

Y/N: be there in ten!

Y/N puts her laptop in her backpack, and makes her way to Harry’s apartment.

“Hey.” He smiles and lets her in. “Long time no see.” He says sarcastically.

“I know, feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” She rolls her eyes and goes right up to his room. “I get to register for classes tomorrow, wanna see what my plan is?”

“I get to register tomorrow too! Yeah, let’s compare.” They each show each other their major courses, and then Harry squints at her gen eds. “Wait, you’re going to take the Art of Film for your creative thought requirement?”

“Yeah, Megan took it and said it was really easy. You just watch movies and talk about how they’re made.”

“I’m gonna take that too! Mondays and Wednesdays at 10:30, right?”

“Yeah!” She can’t help but squeal. “We’re gonna be in a class together? Wow, I bet you’re super sexy in class, all serious and taking notes. I don’t know how I’ll be able to concentrate.” She winks at him and giggles.

“It’ll, um, certainly give us an excuse to do homework together.” He was blushing.

“Mhm.” She closes both of their laptops and moves to sit in his lap. She kisses on his neck and wraps his arms around her back.

“Do you still have your period?”

“No.” She smiles against his neck.

“Thank god.”

Y/N yelps as Harry moves her to pin her down on his bed. He lifters her shirt up over her breasts and he frowns when he sees her sports bra.

“Why’d you even bother with this thing, huh?”

“I wasn’t going to bounce around while I walked over here!”

“But you had a coat on, no one would have noticed, just making things so difficult for me.” He pouts and helps her out of her shirt and bra. “There we are, hi girls.”

“Harry.” She giggles. “Stop being so silly.”

“Can’t help it.” He kneads her breasts and rubs his thumbs over her nipples. He stops and then he looks at her.

“What?”

“I think…I mean, I know you’re my girlfriend and all, but…you’re like my best friend, Y/N. I can just always be myself around you.”

She pulls his face down to hers. She felt the same way. Harry had become Y/N’s best friend. Things weren’t always sexual between them. They were able to joke around, sending gifs and memes to each other over text, tagging each other in tik toks the each thought the other would find funny. After she’s done sucking on his bottom lip she looks up at him smiles.

“I feel the same way.”

He smiles and dips his head down to suck on one of her nipples, and his hand slips inside her sweatpants. He pets her over her underwear at first, and then slips inside so he can really feel her. She groans as he rubs over her clit and moves to suck on her other nipple. If every moment between them could be like this, Y/N would be happy forever.

Reality was setting in as finals got closer and closer. Harry got busier tutoring other people, and even though he still made time to go to Y/N’s games, they weren’t able to hang out as much. They were able to meet up for a few holiday parties between their various friend groups, and that way great and all, but sleepovers were few and far between. They were able to practice some presentations together, and Harry did look over Y/N’s paper for Mind, Brain, and Evolution, but they both just couldn’t wait for finals to be over.

With finals being over, though, that meant they both would be leaving for the end of the semester. Finals week itself was more chill than the week leading up to it. Y/N and Harry had a sleepover almost every night, and she found herself waking up and crying a couple of times because she was going to miss him so much, and seeing her like that broke his fucking heart. She was such a sweet girl, and only he really got to see this side of her.

“It’ll be okay, baby, we’ll FaceTime and stuff, it’ll go by quickly.”

“I know.” She sniffles. “Just thinking about it makes me sad, though. Campus was so quiet last winter break. It’s boring having nothing to do but practice and go to games.”

“I wish I could stay…I should have tried to find an internship here, or something.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want you doing something like that just for me. It’s just gonna suck at first, but it’ll be nice to look forward to seeing you.”

“Exactly.”

She stayed in his arms as long as she could until Angie came to pick her up for the couple of weeks she’d be home. It was a teary goodbye to say the least.

Final grades came out after Christmas and Y/N nearly passed out when she saw she had received straight A’s. For the first time in her life she was an A student. It had to have been because of Harry. He really was a good study skills tutor. She couldn’t wait to tell him how well she did. She took a picture of her final grades and texted him. He almost immediately called her.

“Babe! What are you doing up? It’s like the middle of the night over there, isn’t it?”

“It is, but I heard my phone buzz, and then I saw your text. Congratulations! I’m so proud of you.”

“It was all thanks to you…”

“No, you put so much work in, that was all you.”

“How were your grades?”

“Sraight A’s, same as you.” He yawns.

“You need to go back to sleep.” She giggles.

“But I like your voice.”

“I like yours too, but we can talk tomorrow when we’ve both gotten some sleep.”

“Okay, baby, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Harry was enjoying interning at the law office, and most days he would tell Y/N all about it. One evening they plan a FaceTime so Y/N can “meet” Anne and Gemma. Y/N was back on campus after the holidays so she didn’t have to worry about her siblings or mom embarrassing her. It was a great chat, Y/N spoke about why she was majoring in business, and what it was like to play hockey, and how she was looking forward to the season ending in a month or so.

“She’s very nice, Harry.” Anne tells him after they hang up.

“I know.” He says, proudly.

“You must miss her a lot.” Gemma says. “What are you going to do about summer?”

“Oh, Harry, please don’t stay in America over the summer.” Anne says.

“Wasn’t planning on it mum. I was sort of hoping she could come here for a visit when the lads and I go out to Italy for our annual holiday.”

“That’s like a three week trip you lot take, you better ask her soon so she can save up for the air fare.” Anne says.

“I know, I’m gonna run it by her when I get back. I didn’t wanna freak her out or anything. I can’t wait to see her. We have a class together this semester, so even if we both get busy we’ll be able to see each other.” Anne and Gemma look at each other and then back to Harry. “What?”

“It’s just nice to see you so smitten.” Gemma says. “Didn’t think you’d want to be so serious with someone in uni.”

“I didn’t either, but she took me by surprise. She’s just very real and herself, and I like that. Some of the girls at school are so fake sometimes, pretending to like things just because I do.”

“Aw, poor thing, it’s so terrible being liked by so many people.” Anne teases him and he rolls his eyes.

“S’not was I was saying. I’m done with this conversation, you both are so annoying.” He groans and leaves to go to his room. Anne and Gemma giggle with each other.

The other teams on campus were basketball and wrestling. A lot of the girls on the basketball team were with a lot of the girls on the hockey team, so Y/N would often go to their parties. She felt a little better about going to a party where there would be more girls, it just got difficult when Amanda and Gina would leave with a girl, and Y/N had to walk alone to her apartment. She knew she was safe, but it was creepy in the winter from it being so quiet. She missed her dance partner terribly.

What Harry hadn’t told her is that since he lived off campus, he didn’t have to follow the confines of the move in schedule, so he, Louis, and Niall, all came back a week early on the same flight. He was planning to surprise her at a home game. He bought flowers and went to the ice arena with the guys. Y/N’s eyes grew wide when she spotted him in the stands.

“That son of a bitch!” She said to herself very excitedly. Now she had to get through the entire game before running into his arms.

They played a great game and won, 3-1. Y/N rips her padding off and runs out into the arena only in her under armor not caring who saw, and she squeals when she sees Harry. His face lights up when he sees her running towards him. He opens up his arms and she jumps into them. She wraps her legs around his waist and slots her lips over his.

“I.” Kiss. “Missed.” Kiss. “You.” Kiss. “So.” Kiss. “Much.” She couldn’t stop kissing him.

“I missed you too.” He giggles. “You’re crushing the flowers I got you.” He snakes them out to show her.

“Thank you so much!” She kisses him again. “Ugh, I have to shower and stuff.” She pouts.

“S’alright, I can wait for you, or I can come to your place once you’re done here, whatever you want.” He lets her down and she smiles up at him.

“Come to my place in an hour, okay?” She takes the flowers from him.

“I’ll be there.”

She runs back into the locker room she can shower and get ready. She was extremely excited to see Harry for multiple reasons.

“Do you want us to go find somewhere else to be for a bit?” Amanda asks as they all walk to their apartment.

“Yeah, we can go downtown for food or something.”

“You guys are so nice. Maybe just stay downstairs?”

The girls nods and giggle as they make their way inside their apartment. Y/N rushes to clean up her disaster of a room. She picks out a thing she knows Harry will want to rip off and puts a pair of leggings on with it. She throws on a t-shirt without a bra, and waits for him. She was getting wet just thinking about the sex they were about to have.

Amanda lets Harry in and he goes right up to Y/N’s room.

“Babe?” He says as he goes in.

She lunches towards him and pushes him up against the now closed door, locking it while she kisses him. He lifts her up and brings her over to the bed. He gets on top of her and grinds against her. She groans as she gets his shirt off. His hands were a little cold from being outside, but she didn’t care. She wanted him to touch her all over.

“Good break?” He breathes as he moves to take her shirt off, attaching his lips to her breasts, leaving hot, wet kisses behind.

“Mhm, you?”

“Can’t complain too much.”

He yanks her leggings down and grins at her flimsy thing. He flips her body over and she giggles as he kneads her bum cheeks. He kisses down her back and down one of her cheeks while taking her thong off. He spreads her legs and licks into her from behind.

“Oh my god.” She gasps and he moans into her.

“So wet for me already?”

“Been like this since I saw you at the game.” She whines. “Please take care of me.”

“I will baby, I will.”

He was surprised she was letting him do this since she didn’t like having her ass in his face usually, but he wasn’t going to question her on it. Once he’s had a good taste he stands up to take his pants off. She pulls him forward by his hips and she wraps her lips around him.

“Christ.” He groans. “Missed this so much.”

“Aw, did the naughty pictures I sent you not help enough?” She pouts up at him, spit dripping down on her chin.

“No they helped in the moment, and then just made things worse because I wanted to touch you.”

“Touch me now.” She nearly growls and yanks him on top of her.

Harry taps two of his fingers on her bottom lip and she opens up for him to suck on. She swirls her tongue around them before he takes them away, slipping them inside her. She reaches for a condom in her desk drawer while he fingers in. She felt like she was going to go cross eyed.

“Shit, Harry.” She pants and then he takes his fingers away. “What are you doing?!”

“I want us to come together.” He mumbles as he takes the condom from her, sliding it onto his dick. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “We can fuck all night, though, so don’t feel like this needs to be drawn out.”

“No party?”

“No there is, but I’d much rather stay in and be with you alone.”

He spreads her apart and pushes inside. He nearly nuts right there from how tight she is. He stays there a moment before moving.

“You’re so fucking tight.” He grunts.

“I tried using my own fingers while you were gone, but you do it so much better.” She wraps her legs around him and pulls him even closer, nails dragging down his back. “Feels so good, Har.”

“You feel amazing, been dreaming of this, baby girl.”

He fucks into her hard and quick, rubbing on her clit, and they both cry out as they come together. He collapses on top of her and she plays with his hair before he pulls out. They just snuggle and lay together for a bit, talking about their breaks. Harry kisses on Y/N and holds her close. They end up doing it again, nice and slow with her riding him, rocking back and forth until he can’t stand it anymore and takes over the pace. She throws some clothes and grabs them both some snacks before cuddling back up with her laptop for a movie.

“So, I get you to myself for an entire week?” She asks.

“Mhm.” He kisses her temple.

“Good, I missed your bed.” They both chuckle.

“I have something to ask you…I know it’s a ways away, but every summer since I was in high school my friends and I take this trip to Italy for a few weeks. My friend’s dad has a house on the water, and we rent a boat. We go fishing, and we even go camping for a couple of days. It’s incredible…we usually go end of July through early August.”

“Okay.” She looks up at him sort of confused.

“Well…I know the plane ticket would be expensive, but how would you like to come with me this summer? Sometimes they bring girlfriends too, so you wouldn’t be the only girl there, not that I think you’d care much about that.”

“You’d really want me around for that long?”

“Of course! Be a nice way to break up the summer for us, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “I’d love to come out there…I’d just have to ask my mom. She really relies on my help during the summer. We get a lot of tourists so we’re super busy…”

“Even if it’s just ten days, doesn’t have to be the full three weeks, as much as I’d like you there the whole time.”

“I’ll talk to her about it for sure. That sounds like a dream!” She throws her arms around him and hugs him tight, kissing his cheek. “I’ve been to England before, you know?”

“How are you just telling me this now?” He laughs.

“I don’t know.” She laughs too. “I went during April vacation in high school my junior year, it was so much fun. So at least I’ve traveled internationally before. I bet she’ll be fine with it. A nice thing to look forward to.”

“Exactly.” He squishes his nose to hers and smiles.

Deep in her heart, Y/N knew she and Harry were still kids. He’d be twenty in a couple of weeks, but they were still so young. She loved him a lot and he loved her, and she knew it would be dumb to think super far ahead about their relationship. Right now, they were having a lot of fun, navigating college life together, and that was enough. It didn’t need to be overly serious. Y/N had a few friends that were seniors, and some of them acted like they were already married, playing house. She didn’t quite know where life was going to take her, and that was okay. She didn’t know where life was going to take Harry either, and that was okay too. They were both living in the moment, and absolutely fucking loving it.

#the tutor #tutor!harry #hockeyplayer!reader #tutorry #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles y/n #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #friends to lovers #college au #pls tag if you reblog #send me feedback too

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chrstbll · 3 years

Text

miracles and lucky days| ben hargreeves

(gif not mine)

+tags: @lalisbitch @spaceclone-mom , @meowmeowrex23 @strangeyouthcrusade

plot: after coming back from the 60’s, instead of finding the sparrow academy, the group come face to face with a much more positive outcome of their actions.

The words of Klaus were diluted, inaudible and ringing loudly in your head. Your limbs could barely hold the weight of your body, and the nausea from jumping between timelines hitting your stomach didn’t quite put you at ease. All was blurry at first, not hearing nor seeing properly caused you to feel light-headed as well, but before your legs or your mind gave in, somebody strong arms held you up protectively.

- Are you good? – Diego’s gentle call for you brought you back to reality. He was always a little bit concerned about you. He didn’t show it in great actions, it was in the seemingly unimportant things he did for you. There wasn’t anything romantic involved between you two, instead of that it was a deep understanding of each another that made you appreciate the other significantly. You nodded to confirm that you were in fact all right, shrugging it off with a smile.

Klaus was right. After you successfully registered what he was saying, a wave of relief washed over your heart, mind, and soul. Your whole being. For once, all seven of you managed to successfully jump back to 2019 without any harm or mistake being done. It was quite unbelievable. A dreamlike scenario which proved itself to be nearly impossible to believe. Looking around the hall, everything seemed to be all right. It felt okay. The aura was intimately comforting, yet something was amiss. Different. Changed. It certainly was not a malicious ambiance that you discovered, but one new, something yet unexperienced thing. The others noticed it too, as all six of them were looking around suspiciously. Memories, feelings, and people rapidly invaded your mind, those you haven’t thought about a lot. Pogo? Grace? Are they okay now?

Luther suggested to enter the living room ahead of you, so that’s what you all mutually agreed to. Five was the one who went further on before you heroically and begged all of you to proceed with caution, because we don’t know what’s waiting for us there. The walk from the hall to the living room happened painfully slowly given that the feeling of uncertainty was sitting in one and all’s eyes and was at fault for your lack of speed. Upon realizing the academy was unnervingly noiseless, the anxiety birthed a huge lump in your throat, which you couldn’t swallow. Your heart was terrified from the possible negative outcome of this time jump. What if that moment of clarity and amenity was only a façade and was only felt because none of you faced reality in the short but drunk moment of arrival? Sometimes you thought about how nice it would be to just live without worry. To live in pure bliss, without a care in the world. Without a problem in the universe to solve. How astonishing it would be not to recall what loss, trauma, or sadness feels like. But then again, we would live in ignorance that way.

Turning towards the divans and sculptures in the living room, your attention automatically focused on the small moving figure, who was absentmindedly cleaning the shelves with dusting feathers. Recognition hit you like a truck, as the character of an ape appeared before you. Your breath hitched in your throat. Mercifully, it was a positive reaction, a sentiment you haven’t undergone in a long time.

- Pogo?! – Allison was the first one to call out their siblings’ friends’ name. Barely letting his name roll from her tongue, the sea of emotions instantly overthrew her, and tears stormed down her face. Their beloved guardian turned around in shock, he looked so puzzled, it was as he didn’t recognize the people in front of him. You feared that was the case. What if we screwed it up even more?

- Oh, children. I was waiting for you all to return – he’s spoken politely and gifted us with a kind smile, just like he always did. You almost forgot what a courteous and caring figure Pogo was. His scarce although deep voice reminded you of simpler times. A type of nostalgia which you subconsciously yearned for god knows how long. Everyone gathered around him in a matter of seconds, engulfing him in a suffocating hug. Pogo was still bewildered from the sudden act of affection, as you all were from seeing him alive and breathing, but in this instant of happiness, the questions why and how didn’t matter. What mattered was the present minute, what you currently knew as is.

And next, a voice broke the silence.

Who would dare to turn around first? Who wanted to confirm that the voice that was just heard from behind them, came from a legit source? On a serious note, was it even real? Your minds are only playing tricks on you. You were ecstatic for having Pogo back, but it would be too good to be true to turn around and see the possessor of the voice. We can’t have all the wonderful things. It never went that well for you. Your bodies turned stiff, and your feet were frozen on spot. But what made you fear to turn around? The horror of hearing something that’s not truly there or facing it bravely. Something…someone you haven’t faced in roughly two decades.

- What the hell took you guys so long? – the annoyance sounded so raw, hence genuine. You could hear and understand the words crystal clear; then why didn’t you believe your ears?

The group hug disassembled at a snail's pace and turned to face what they never expected to see ever again in their lifetime. You, on the other hand, had secretly wished for a moment like this. Your heart was aching for the chance, not caring about being rational nor delusional. It kept the faith in your soul steady.

- Please, tell me I’m not the only one who can see him – Klaus muttered.

- Ben – Diego confirmed in a hushed tone without letting out any more words as he didn’t need to. He was the bravest out of all of you to speak up.

So, there he stood in his monochrome outfit, with his black leather jacket hugging his form and a coy smile painted all over his face. The faint rosy cheeks, lively eyes and vivid emotions displayed told you everything. The Ben standing in front of you was very much real, and more importantly, alive, and well.

- All of you look like you’ve seen a ghost – he grinned from ear to ear, and his light-hearted joke legitimately freed your body from the tension which held you in your place so aggressively. Number Four didn’t hesitate one second longer, and slammed himself against his brother, who sweetly returned the embrace. Registering it, savouring it, then finally loving the physical contact, Klaus broke up in a hysterical laughter. The group succeeded to pull the strings in a way his death was luckily prevented. How the hell did we manage this? But he didn’t care. All that mattered was the present minute, what he currently knew as is.

- You’re telling me, man – his laugh slowly started to die down, but his joy only rose. Of course, a group hug was crucially needed and initiated effective immediately. Everyone surrounded him, and you held onto each other tightly, so he never slips away from your grasp again. You admitted it to yourself, that it felt heavenly, but more precisely, it felt so damn terrific. The others eventually backed away, but you stayed right in front of him.

- Hey, you – were all he needed to say for you to go flying into his arms – Where have you been? I missed you – his confession was a simple, warm, and loving anecdote, and it broke your heart in the best way possible.

You missed me?

Your loud sobbing, and ocean of tears was baffling and a mystery to him, and he looked at the others with a perplexed expression. They asked him to just let you be because they understood everything perfectly. Each tear was valid and every one of them had a reason. His arms were wrapped around your body, as he was shielding you from all the cruelty in this world. His embrace wasn’t tight, but fond and sensitive enough. You weren’t greedy at all; it was just all too marvellous. Hearing his stable beating heart as he held you close to his chest completely fulfilled you. A featherlight kiss was tenderly placed on your forehead by him, in an attempt to calm you down. It failed, as more droplets of salty water coated your apple-like cheeks. Even so, the kiss was given so compassionately, it must have come from heaven itself.

Maybe you were in Heaven. Maybe your life ended when you arrived in the hall. This isn’t real and I’m probably dead in Diego’s arms by now. But what if you accepted it as your reality now? You couldn’t believe it, even after feeling his touch and his kiss on your body. It might be because you thought you didn’t think your wish to see the person closest to your heart again would ever come true. After the horrific months you went through, it was certainly an impossibility to be gifted with something this enormous, significant, and joyous.

Maybe miracles and lucky days exist. Maybe they existed both on the same day in favour of you. I’ll accept this, I deserve this. You absolutely deserve to be happy and to drop the burden that’s been weighing on your soul for years. Nobody deserves to live their lives in inescapable guilt and grief. Having Ben back in all your lives meant the world to you. You were thinking about how you might have to fill him in on the details of the previous events, but that was a case for a later part of the day. For now, it was nice to bask in his love and warmth. You’ll care about every other issue later. This was the only feeling that mattered in that moment. Peace finally taking its rightful place back in your heart, which has been waiting for it for a long time now. He radiated pureness, an energy which was incomparable to anything else. Clutching his jacket was your anxiety making sure he doesn’t leave again. Maybe he was reading your thoughts, but at the same time he was realizing he’d never leave you even if it meant his life.

- I missed you too.

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maxinaptak · 3 years

Text

(AoT/ SNK) Key to Salvation: Eren X Abused!Reader

WARNING: REFRENCED NON-CON, FORCED DRUG USE

This is a rough one you guys. Proceed with caution.

You groaned as you rubbed the fairly fresh bruise on your shoulder, letting your head fall against the locker in front of you. The bruise on your shoulder wasn’t the only one you had; in fact, you had several more, both new and old, littering your body. You groaned again as you heard your best friend’s voice coming down the hallway. You lifted your head off your locker and pulled your sweater sleeve down your arm more, making sure it covered your bruise and the needle marks.

“________,” Eren called loudly, causing you to cringe lightly at his volume, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a few days.”

He stopped next to you and looked at you with such innocent turquoise eyes. Oh, how you loved those innocent eyes. You could never tell Eren about what was going on at home. You just couldn’t.

“I was sick, that’s all,” you lied, faking a smile up at the boy, “Just a little cold. I'm fine now though.”

It almost pained you physically to lie to him, but how could you tell him that you had spent the last three days being given drugs against your will in a dirty basement where dozens of men abused your strung out, limp body while your mother collected their payment.

“Well, I'm glad you’re feeling better!” Eren said, smiling brightly.

You smiled almost sadly and sighed. Eren was your sweet, caring best friend. He had been since you were both in diapers. Fifteen years of friendship and you still couldn’t tell him what was happening; couldn’t tell him that you need help, beg for his help.

“Eren, will you lower your voice? I can hear you all the way down the hallway.” Mikasa, Eren’s adopted sister, said, flicking the brunet in the ear.

“Ow!” He cried, cupping his assaulted ear.

She rolled her eyes and looked at you.

“Are you sure you’re feeling better ________,” Mikasa asked, frowning, “You look more tired than normal.”

You faked another smile and said, “Yep, just fine!”

In all reality, you were going through a nasty withdraw from the clonazepam and oxy your mother normally gave you. This last time, she decided to give you something else to sedate you through your ‘work’, something she injected several times into your veins over the days. You had a feeling that if anyone would notice something was off, it would be Mikasa.

The other girl didn’t look too convinced, but nodded anyway and said, “If you say so. It’s almost time for class to start, so we should get going. You too Eren. If you’re late again, mom will have your ass.”

The tall boy rolled his eyes and hugged you goodbye. You tried your hardest to hide your pained flinch as he squeezed you tightly, but you knew Mikasa had seen it. Once he left, Mikasa set her hard gaze on you again.

“I saw that,” she said, crossing her arms, “What was that about?”

“Ok, so I may have hurt my back trying a new yoga pose yesterday. But I wasn’t gonna tell him that.” You said, jutting your thumb in the direction Eren had left in.

It wasn’t a total lie this time. Your back did hurt, but it sure as hell wasn’t from doing yoga. Your slightly older friend rolled her eyes and turned to head to your first hour class. You quickly ran after her, trying your best not to limp. You reached your AP Psychology class and took your seats. Your teacher had the desks in clusters of six or seven seats and you two got lucky enough to be put with your friends.

“Hey guys.” You said, plopping your book down onto your desk.

Krista, Ymir, Sascha, and Max all smiled back and greeted you both. You made small talk for a few minutes before the bell rang, signaling the start of the school day. You turned your attention to your teacher, Mr. O’Neil, and swallowed hard when you saw what he was writing on the board.

Drug Addiction: The effects, the signs, and withdrawal symptoms.

‘Fuck my life with a cactus….’ You thought, slowly sliding down in your seat a little.

You prayed to whatever god there may be (though you didn’t really believe that there was one anymore) that none of your friends, especially Mikasa, would notice that you were exhibiting some of the signs and symptoms.

You had managed to make it through the class with your teeth clenched and practically sprinted out of the room when it was over. You made it to your economics class in record time and slumped into your seat, letting your head slam down on your desk.

“Damn kid, rough morning?”

You slowly raised your head to look at your student teacher, Levi Ackerman. Apparently, he was a distant cousin to Mikasa, but she didn’t really know him.

“Rough couple of days.” You admitted, voice flat and eyes dull.

The short male regarded you carefully, as he had taken note that you had been absent for the past three days and went to his bag.

“Alright kiddo, I’ve got some dark chocolate and a Red Machine Naked Juice,” he said, placing said items on your desk in front of you, “You look like you’ve been through some shit, and you need these more than I do. Besides, it looks like you’ve lost a shit ton of weight since the semester started.”

Your face flushed bright red. You didn’t think Mr. Ackerman paid that much attention to any of his students, let alone you.

“T-thanks Mr. Ackerman….” You said, opening the chocolate bar and taking a small bite.

“No problem kid.” He said, turning to go back to his desk, but stopping.

He hesitated for a moment before turning back to you and crouching down next to you.

He waited for you to meet his gaze and quietly said, “________, you can come to me if you need to talk or if you need help, ok?”

You stared at him in shock and slowly nodded. You’d never heard him speak like that and it almost freaked you out. He nodded at you and returned to his desk. You let your eyes fall onto your desk and stared at it blankly.

“________?”

You jumped and whipped around to see Eren setting his stuff down on the desk next to you.

“What was that all about?” He asked, discreetly nodding his head in your teacher’s direction.

You swallowed hard and stumbled over your words as you tried to reply.

“N-nothing,” you said, averting your eyes from his, “He was just telling me that I looked like crap and needed to eat something, so he gave me this, that’s all.”

You quickly grabbed the bottle of juice and tried to open it, but struggled. You knew you had been having a bit of a hard time doing normal things, but never had you struggled to open a beverage bottle. You frowned and stopped trying to open the juice.

“Here, I got it,” Eren said, taking the bottle from you and cracking it open easily with his large hands, “I'm kinda shocked he’d be nice enough to give you something, but you should drink this. It’ll help you feel better.”

He carefully put the bottle back into your hand and you weakly smiled at him. You took a long drink from the juice and sighed, satisfied by the taste. Soon the room was full and the bell rang, class starting.

Levi’s eyes scanned over his students as they worked on the small packet he had given them to complete before the end of class. He heard a snore from beside him and looked at the teacher he was supposed to be shadowing, Dot Pixis, and rolled his eyes when he saw him asleep again. How that man became a teacher was beyond him. He heard footsteps approaching his desk and turned his attention forward again.

“Eren and I are finished with the packet.” ________ said, holding out two packets.

“As always, finished before anyone else. The brat is lucky you partner with him every time.” Levi said, shaking his head and reaching out for the papers.

As ________ pulled her hand away, she accidently knocked over the cup of pens and pencils on the desk.

“Shit, sorry Mr. Ackerman. I’ll take care of it.” She said, crouching down quickly.

“It’s fine, kid, don’t worry about it.” He said, looking over the side of his desk at her.

His eyes widened as the left sleeve of her sweater raised up, revealing a bruise vaguely shaped like a handprint and several track marks on her upper forearm. He froze, not knowing what to do as he watched her quickly pick up the scattered writing utensils and put them back into the cup. He swallowed hard and tried to formulate words, say anything to her, but he couldn’t manage it, too shocked. She smiled smally at him before going back to her desk. His eyes followed her and jumped over to Eren, her best friend. If he couldn’t talk to ________ directly, he sure as hell could talk to the brat.

“Jaeger, see me after class.” He said, trying to keep his voice steady.

Eren groaned loudly.

“What the fuck did I do this time?” Eren practically whined.

He dramatically draped himself over where your desks were pushed together, making you breathe out a laugh.

“I don’t know, but this happens at least once a week and you know it.” You said, petting his shoulder length hair.

He sighed deeply and peeked up at you with his beautiful turquoise eyes, pouting. You stared at him and couldn’t help but smile lovingly at him. You’d never told anyone, but you’d been in love with the tall boy since you were eleven and he was twelve. He’d always been there for you, doing everything he could to make you laugh and smile. Usually, he’d drag Armin into his antics too, but it was all in good fun and you all laughed together.

“Your hair’s get long,” you murmured, playing with the little bun that was tied at the base of his skull, “Are you gonna cut it?”

Eren hummed and said, “Nah, I kinda like it like this. What do you think about it? Does it look bad?”

You shook your head and said, “No, I like it. I think it looks really good on you.”

“Then I’m definitely keeping it long.” He said, smiling up at you.

You smiled back and continued to talk to him for the rest of class. When the bell rang, you gathered your things and gave Eren a sympathetic look.

“I’ll see you later Eren. Have fun with Mr. A.” You said, waving.

“Yeah,” he groaned, standing up, “Have fun in anatomy with Armin. Embarrass him for me, would ya?”

“Sure! I’ve got a good dirty joke or two that I haven’t told in front of him yet.” You said, grinning.

Eren sighed and picked up his bag before walking up to Levi’s desk.

“You wanted to see me sir?” He asked, shoulders slumped.

Levi nodded and said, “Yes. What class do you have next?”

Eren was confused but answered, “German. Why?”

“Are you doing well in that class?” Levi asked.

“I’ve been speaking German since I was born basically,” Eren said, still confused as all hell, “My dad’s family lives in Germany, and my grandparents don’t speak English very well. I only took the class so I could get an easy A…. Why do you ask?”

Levi stood from his desk and motioned for Eren to follow him as he said, “I wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be a problem if you missed part of the class. I need to speak to you, but somewhere private.”

Eren was beyond confused now but followed his teacher anyway. The shorter man always seemed rather serious, but this time, he seemed deadly serious about whatever it was. He followed Levi to one of the biology labs and went inside.

“Hanji, I need to borrow your lab for a little bit,” Levi said, addressing one of the other student teachers he was friends with, “I need to speak to Eren alone.”

The crazy science teacher looked up from her notes and said, “Oh! Ok, sure! Just let me know when you’re done!”

She quickly left the room and closed the door behind her. Levi sat down and motioned for Eren to do the same. The younger boy did, facing his teacher.

“What’s going on Mr. Ackerman?” Eren asked, frowning.

Levi took a deep breath and said, “I need to talk to you about ________.”

Eren’s eyebrows furrowed and he asked, “________? What about her?”

“Something’s going on with her. Has she said anything to you?” He asked.

Eren thought for a moment before shaking his head as he said, “I mean, she said that she had a cold and that’s why she wasn’t at school the last few days. Other than that, no.”

Levi nodded and thought for a moment before he asked, “Eren, you’re her best friend, right?”

The brunet nodded.

“Do you pay close attention to her? The way she looks, the way she acts?”

Eren blinked a few times before shyly nodding his head.

“Then have you noticed that she’s lost quite a bit of weight since the semester started?” Levi asked.

Eren nodded again and said, “I tried to ask her about it once, but she got really upset about it and snapped at me, so I didn’t say anything after that. But I noticed that she was losing more and more weight as the weeks went on. And every few weeks she looks really sick and upset, but she won’t talk to me about it….”

Levi sighed deeply again and said, “Eren, I saw something on her arm today, in class when she was picking up the pens. That’s why I asked you to stay after.”

“What was on her arm?” Eren asked, worried and confused at the same time.

“There was a large bruise that looked like a handprint. And she had several… track marks on her forearm.” Levi said, letting his own shoulders drop in sadness.

“What are track marks?” Eren asked, still confused.

Levi looked up at Eren and said, “Needle marks, Eren. From using drugs.”

Eren’s eyes widened.

“Drugs?! No way! ________ would never!” Eren said, denial evident in his voice.

Levi sighed again and said, “Eren I know what track marks look like. It’s no secret that I grew up on the streets. A lot of people I ran with did drugs back then. I know what I saw.”

Eren’s heart dropped into his stomach, knowing that his teacher couldn’t be wrong. He thought back over the months and remembered seeing ________’s forearms and elbow crooks all the time. There were never any needle marks before. Bruises, sure, but ________ was clumsy.

“I-it must be new…,” he said, looking down at his hands, “She’s never had needle marks on her arms before….”

“What about the bruises?” Levi asked.

Eren shrugged and said, “She’s always had a few bruises here and there, ever since we were kids. She’s clumsy as hell, always has been. And she bruises easily because she’s anemic.”

“Has she always been anemic?”

Eren shook his head and said, “No…. It started around the time we started high school. That’s also when she started to look sick and upset every few weeks…. And her weight started fluctuating and her eating habits changed too….”

Eren’s eyebrows furrowed again and he started to get more upset, thinking about how something was wrong with his best friend, the girl he was in love with, and he didn’t even realize, even though he saw everything.

“I should have known something was wrong….” Eren whispered, clenching his fists.

“Eren, it’s not your fault. You guys are kids still. It’s not your job to watch every little detail about her.” Levi said, trying to make the teen feel less guilty.

“But I love her,” Eren almost cried, a desperate look on his face, “I have been watching every detail about her for years! I should have known!”

Eren hung his head and let out a shaky breath, resting his head in his hands. Levi looked at his student sadly. He knew that the boy was in love with ________; it was pretty obvious, at least to him. And he could see that ________ loved him back. It was beyond him why the two hadn’t began dating yet, but that was beside the point at the moment.

“Now you know something’s up with her. Use the information you have now and talk to her.” Levi said, putting a hand on Eren’s shoulder.

The younger male looked up at his teacher and sighed, nodding.

Levi nodded back and said, “Alright. Now come on. I’ll write you a note to excuse you for missing class.”

Eren nodded again and sadly trailed behind his teacher. He got his note and trudged to his German class. He gave the note to Herr Ham and took his seat in the back of the classroom, spacing out. It didn’t matter if her paid attention or not. His teacher was horrible and taught in a ridiculous way that confused most students. The only reason he was top of the class was because he’s a native speaker. All he could think about was ________. He would see her again fifth hour for lunch and he didn’t know how he could face her without saying anything. He didn’t want to talk to her in front of their friends. He sighed and rested his head on his arms on his desk.

“For fuck’s sake….” You muttered, sitting back on your legs.

You were currently on your knees in a bathroom stall, retching into the toilet every so often. It didn’t surprise you that this was happening; you were going through oxycodone withdrawal after all. Nausea and vomiting were normal. You’d gone through this a few times before, but never this badly. You wondered if whatever drug your mother gave you the last few days was making it worse this time around.

“Oh god,” you groaned, feeling bile rise in your throat again, “Not again…!”

You heaved into the toilet again, hot tears running down your cheeks. All you had had to eat that day was what Mr. Ackerman had given you during econ, and there was no way any of it still resided in your stomach. All you could taste was stomach acid, your throat burning. You checked the time on your phone and sighed. Fifth period was almost over and you knew Eren would be worried that you weren’t there. You tried to get up and leave a few times, but it was obvious that your body wasn’t done. You shakily unlocked your phone and typed out a choppy text to Eren.

Eren frowned as he arrived at his normal lunch table. Armin and Max were sitting together, holding hands and feeding each other like normal; Mikasa and Annie were sitting across from each other, glaring at each other with an awkward sexual tension between them, like normal; and Jean and Marco were holding hands and eating quietly, like normal. What was not like normal, was the fact that ________ was missing. Eren was always the last one to arrive at the table and ________ was always sitting in one of the two open seats left at the table when he got there.

“Has anyone seen ________?” He asked, sitting down.

Max swallowed a strawberry Armin had fed her and said, “Not since third hour.”

“I saw her heading towards the cafeteria on my way here,” Marco said, frowning slightly, “But then she ran into the bathroom. I haven’t seen her since.”

Eren frowned deeply and stared down at his food. He sighed and ultimately started to pick at his food, eventually shoveling it into his mouth quickly as his dumb teenage body demanded him to. Near the end of the hour, his phone vibrated. He fished it out of his pocket and looked at it. It was a text from ________.

Felt sick, stuck in bathroom. Sorry. See you later.

Eren frowned again and sighed.

“What’s wrong Eren?” Mikasa asked, finally breaking her gaze away from her (not so secret) secret girlfriend.

“________ texted me. She said she was feeling sick and was stuck in the bathroom.” Eren said, shoulders slumping.

Max frowned and said, “I can go check on her if you’re really worried.”

Eren looked up at the red-haired girl gratefully and said, “Yes, please.”

She smiled and nodded. She leaned over to Armin and gave him several quick kisses before getting up and leaving the cafeteria.

“________?”

You jumped as you heard someone call your name. You knew that voice; it was your friend Max.

“M-Max?” You choked out, coughing.

You heard her run to the large stall you were in and try the door.

“________, are you ok? Eren said you were sick and you don’t sound good at all!” She said, voice full of concern.

You weakly moved to open the door to let her in before going back to slumping against the wall. She quickly came in and dropped to her knees in front of you.

“Oh my god, hon, are you ok?” She asked, gently putting her hands on your arms.

You sighed as more tears slipped from your eyes and shook your head as you breathed, “No…. I’ve been throwing up all hour….”

“Oh no, ________...,” Max said, looking at you sadly, “You need to go to the nurse and go home!”

You sighed again and said, “My mom won’t come get me….”

“I’ll take you home. They’ve let me do it for Armin before, and he wasn’t nearly this sick.” Max said, pulling her phone out.

She called Armin and asked for him to come to the bathroom and help. She hung up and pocketed her phone before gently stroking your (h/c) hair.

A minute later the door to the bathroom opened and you heard Armin call out, “Max, ________? Is there anyone else in there or can we come in?”

“It’s just us, come in.” Max called back.

Soon Armin was in the doorway of the stall, Eren behind him. Eren quickly pushed his way past him and gently scooped you up into his arms. Armin grabbed your backpack and followed you out of the bathroom. A security guard saw you being carried out of the bathroom by Eren and Armin following behind and asked what was going on.

“Our friend got really sick and needs to go to the nurse, but she couldn’t walk. I couldn’t carry her on my own, so I asked them to come and help.” Max explained, giving the older man puppy dog eyes.

The security guard was a little flustered by the look she was giving him and he let you guys go. You giggled a little, knowing your friend would use her incredibly seductive puppy dog eyes to get you out of any trouble. Armin may not like it, but you thought it was hilarious. Your little group made its way to the nurse’s office and Max explained the situation to the woman. Taking one look at you, the nurse gave Max permission to drive you home. She called the office and asked for a teacher to escort you out so you wouldn’t get in trouble. You were a little surprised to see Mr. Ackerman walk into the room, concern written all over his usually stoic face.

“I knew you were feeling sick this morning, but I didn’t know it was this bad.” He said, frowning.

You looked down shyly and shrugged your shoulders as best you could in Eren’s arms. Your group, now escorted by your teacher, made its way outside to Max’s car. Eren carefully placed you in the passenger seat and handed you a plastic bag for ‘just in case’. Armin put your bag in the backseat along with Max’s and kissed the girl before she got in. The three males stepped back and your friend pulled out of the parking spot. She drove carefully to your house and parked in your driveway.

“Do you need help inside?” She asked, turning to look at you.

You hesitated, not know if you really wanted to bother her anymore.

“You know what, don’t answer,” she said, unbuckling her seatbelt, “I’m helping you to as least the front door.”

She got out of the car and you sighed, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. Your door opened and Max helped you out of the car. She grabbed your bag from the back. She took your arm and helped you slowly walk to the door. You unlocked it and stepped inside, taking your bag from your friend.

“Thank you.” You said, smiling at your friend.

She smiled back and said, “Anytime. And if you’re not feeling better by Saturday morning, one of us is taking you to the doctor.”

You opened your mouth to say no but you didn’t get a chance.

“No arguments,” Max said, finality in her voice, “If you’re still this sick, you’re going to the doctor.”

You sighed in defeat and said, “Ok. Thanks for today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Hopefully.”

Max smiled at you sadly and nodded before getting back in her car and driving away, heading back to school. You closed the door and dragged your feet towards your room.

“What the fuck are you doing home?”

You silently groaned and turned to look at your mother.

“I got really sick.” You said, rubbing your face tiredly.

“That’s no excuse for you to come home.” The woman said, irritated.

You dully stared at her and said, “I was throwing up every few minutes all of fifth hour. It finally seems to have calmed down but I still feel like shit. My friends took me to the nurse and they made me go home.”

Your mother glared at you and said, “Well why the fuck are you sick anyway?”

You glared back and said, “I don’t know, maybe it’s because I'm going through serious withdrawal from the clonazepam and oxy. It’s been four days since you last shoved oxy down my throat and it’s hitting me hard as fuck this time.”

Your mother rolled her eyes and turned back to her magazine. You shook your head and made you way to your bedroom. You set your bag down by your desk before falling face down on your bed. Luckily, your bed was still sacred and safe. The only man that had ever been in your bed was Eren, and those times were never sexual. Only lazy weekend naps and scrolling through social media together, showing each other things you found funny. You sighed heavily again and wiggled your way under your covers, managing to fall asleep a little faster than normal due to how horrible you felt.

Max pulled back in to her parking spot at school and turned off her car. She sighed and stepped out, shocked to see the three males she’d left fifteen minutes ago standing in the same place.

“You guys waited here this whole time?” She asked, confused.

They nodded and Armin took her hand, leading her back into the school. Eren and Levi slowly trail behind them and spoke quietly.

“Did you get a chance to talk to her?” Levi asked.

Eren shook his head and said, “No…. She got sick before I even saw her….”

Levi nodded and they walked in silence. They’d figure out the best way to talk to her eventually.

You groaned as you rinsed your mouth out for the fourth time that morning. You hadn’t made it to school the day before and you were still sick. It was now Saturday, and you knew your phone would be ringing soon. One of your friends would be taking you to the doctor today, and you were dreading it. As if on cue, your phone began to ring. You sighed and walked into your room to pick it up.

“Hello?” You asked, answering without checking the caller ID.

“________, how are you feeling?” Eren’s voice came through.

“Oh, Eren…,” you said, not expecting him to call this early, “I-I’m… not doing so hot….”

You finally admitted to him that you weren’t alright. You sat on your bed and wrapped your free arm around your stomach.

“You’re still feeling sick?” Eren asked, a frown evident in his voice.

You sighed and answered, “Yeah. Honestly, I'm not feeling any better than I did at school the other day.”

“Alright, I’m taking you to the doctor,” Eren said, sounding like he was getting up, “Get ready, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

You were surprised, but said, “O-ok…! Um, I’ll be ready.”

He hung up with a quick goodbye and you stared down at your phone, blinking owlishly. You sighed again and set it down on your bed so you could get ready. You pulled on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt with your school’s mascot on it. You grabbed the hoodie that you had been wearing to bed, which actually belonged to Eren, and pulled it on, smiling at the way you drowned in the large garment. You pulled on a pair of slip-on boots and grabbed your small backpack purse. You grabbed your phone and made your way downstairs. Your mother was snoring loudly on the couch, an empty bottle of vodka still gripped in her hand that was hanging off the edge, resting on the floor. You rolled your eyes and leaned against the wall next to the window by the front door. A few minutes later, Eren’s beat up old car pulled into your driveway and you slipped out the door, locking it behind you. Eren met you halfway to the car and gently took your hand in one of his and braced your arm with the other, helping you to walk to the car. He opened your door and helped you in, even buckling your seatbelt for you.

“Thank you.” You said, smiling up at him.

He smiled back at you and carefully closed your door before going around the car and getting in the driver’s seat. He backed out of your driveway and took off down the street, heading towards downtown.

“Where are we going anyway,” you asked, biting your lip, “You know I don’t have insurance….”

He grinned over at you and said, “We’re going to my dad’s clinic. He said he’d see you free of charge.”

You smiled hearing that. Grisha Jaeger was a good man. Since your families had known each other since you and Eren were babies, you grew up seeing the man often. He was always kind to you, and you knew he was a good man since he took in Mikasa after her parents died when she and Eren were ten. He was the only father figure you had left since your dad died when you were eight. It was around that time that your mom started drinking and selling sex for money. When you turned fourteen, she realized that she could sell you instead and get even more money without her having to do anything. You sighed lightly as all of these thoughts swirled through your head, making it throb slightly.

“Hey, you good? Need me to roll the window down or something?” Eren asked, looking at you worriedly.

You smiled nervously at him and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna throw up in your car. It’s passed for now at least. I was just kinda spacing out, that’s all.”

Eren nodded and said, “I’m glad you feel better now. And you throwing up in my car probably wouldn’t be the worst thing that’s happened in here. I’m pretty sure Jean and Marco fucked in the backseat that time we went camping last summer.”

“Oh my god, seriously?!” You asked, shocked and kind of amused.

Eren nodded and said, “I saw them sneaking back to the campsite from the parking lot and then my car smelled nasty the next morning. And Marco couldn’t look me in the eye for a week.”

You laughed harder than you had laughed in a long time at this, holding your stomach as it cramped lightly.

“Ow…,” you cried, tears of laughter streaming down your face, “It hurts! It’s so funny it hurts!”

You quickly pulled you phone out and dialed Jean’s number.

“Hello?”

“Jean, did you and Marco really fuck in Eren’s car last summer when we went camping?!” You asked, still laughing.

You could hear the horror in his voice as he said, “How did you find out about that?!”

You barked out another laugh and said, “Eren’s known about it since it happened! He saw you guys sneaking back to the campsite that night!”

Jean swore and hung up on you, causing you to laugh even harder. You put your phone back in your purse and leaned back in your seat, your laughter dying down.

“I can’t believe you called him.” Eren chuckled, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe he admitted it to me. Well, in a way.” You said, giggling again.

Eren rolled his eyes and pulled into the empty parking lot of his dad’s clinic.

He must have seen your confused look and said, “The clinic doesn’t open until 11 o’clock. Dad wanted me to bring you in early to make sure there was time to do a thorough exam and run any tests needed before any other patients were here.”

You nodded in understanding and bit your lip nervously. At least one of your secrets was about to come out and you were not ready for that. Your door opened and you jumped slightly, looking up to see Eren shaking his head at you. He leaned down and unbuckled your seatbelt for you. He took your hand and helped you out of the car. You expected him to let go of your hand, but he didn’t. Instead, he held onto your hand tightly and guided you to the back door of the clinic, unlocking it and opening it, leading you in.

“You have a key?” You asked.

He nodded and said, “I sometimes help dad out by coming in before or after hours and help clean and stuff.”

You nodded and looked around hesitantly, not ready for this.

“Dad, we’re here!” He called into the mostly dark clinic.

“Back here, room 3.” His father called back.

Eren lead you down two hallways to the only room with lights on. You saw Dr. Jaeger setting up several different things and you immediately froze. He must have noticed because gave you a gentle smile.

“Relax ________,” he said softly, “Eren told me that you haven’t been to a doctor in quite a while, so I figured we’d just do a full work up.”

You swallowed had and nodded, letting Eren lead you over to the exam table, helping you to sit on it. He smiled at you a little before letting go of your hand, turning to leave the room.

“W-wait…,” you said, reaching out and grabbing his arm, “Stay… please…?”

He blinked at you a few times before looking at his father and asked, “Is it alright if stay dad?”

“As long as she says it’s alright, then yes.” He answered, nodding.

Eren nodded as well and moved to stand next to the exam table. You didn’t look at him or his dad, instead, just staring down at your hands in your lap.

“Alright, let’s start with your height and weight.” Dr. Jaeger said, motioning for you to come over to the scale.

You slipped off the table and went over, letting him measure your height (A/N: anything shorter than 6 foot so you’re shorter than Eren). You couldn’t look at the little screen on the scale where the numbers would pop up, indicating your weight.

“94 lbs,” Dr. Jaeger said, frowning, “________, that’s extremely low.”

You swallowed hard and said, “I know…. I knew my weight was low but I didn’t know it was that low….”

You trudged back to the exam table and climbed back onto it, not meeting the eyes of either Jaeger. The older man came over and grabbed the blood pressure cuff.

“Can you take your sweater off please?” Dr. Jaeger asked.

You took a shuddering deep breath and slowly pulled off your hoodie. You shyly offered the doctor you left arm, looking anywhere but him. The room was silent as you felt both males staring at you.

“________, I’m going to ask you some questions, and I need you to be completely honest with me, do you understand?” Dr. Jaeger asked.

You nodded, pulling your arm back, wrapping both your arms around your body.

“Are you taking drugs?” He asked.

“Not willingly….” You answered quietly.

“Someone’s making you take them?”

You nodded again.

“Who?”

You swallowed hard and said, “My mom….”

You felt Eren’s eyes boring into the side of your head but you refused to look at him.

“What is she giving you?” Dr asked.

“Normally she gives me clonazepam and oxy when I… have to work…. But last time she injected me with something instead. I don’t know what it was though….” You said, bringing one hand up to bite on your nails.

Dr. Jaeger was quiet for a moment before he asked, “What kind of work do you do?”

You squeezed your eyes closed tightly and said, “Sex work….”

“What?!” Eren cried, making you cringe.

“Eren, calm down,” Grisha said, “Freaking out right now isn’t going to help her at all.”

“S-sorry….” Eren stuttered, gently taking your hand.

“Does your mother force you to do this work?” Dr asked.

You nodded and said, “Yes…. When my dad died, she couldn’t pay the bills anymore and started selling herself. When I turned fourteen, she realized that if she sold me, she could make twice the money without having to do anything herself. I struggled and fought at first, and she would always get mad and say that I was too loud and that we’d get caught. So, she started drugging me to get through the meetings. It started out with just the clonazepam, but somewhere along the way she added the oxy.

“It was only once every few weeks at first, but then she started taking me to that place every week. Now it’s at least three nights a week, for… well, I’m actually not sure how long were there for since I’m drugged the whole time…. After she started bringing me every week, my body got dependent on the drugs…. That’s how she controls me now…. I've been going through really bad withdrawal this whole week…. The last time I had either was Sunday night….”

Both Jaegers were quiet for a moment.

Dr. Jaeger sighed heavily and said, “________, because of what your mother has been forcing you to do, I’m going to have to ask you some difficult questions, alright?”

You nodded.

“Do you know how many men have… been with you?” He asked, sounding like he didn’t want to be asking you these questions, just as much as you didn’t want to be asked them.

“I’m not sure…. I’m drugged every time now…. But if I had to guess… probably at least 300, maybe 350….” You said, rubbing your arm in shame.

Another sigh came from the doctor and you could hear Eren breathing heavily.

“Do you know if protection was used?”

You sighed and said, “Mom never put me on birth control and from the number of times I woke up to… fluids dripping down my thighs I assume not.”

Sighs were heard from both males in the room and you finally looked up. Dr. Jaeger looked conflicted and Eren looked so sad and so angry at the same time.

“I’m sorry I never told you Eren,” you said, hesitantly gripping his sleeve, “I was so embarrassed and… I was scared that if anyone found out that I would get in trouble….”

Eren shook his head almost violently and said, “Don’t apologize! It’s not your fault she made you do that! I’m sorry that I never notice anything was going on!”

“It’s alright Eren. I did everything I could to make sure you didn’t know.” You said, shrugging.

You both fell silent and Dr. Jaeger cleared his throat. You turned your attention back to him.

“Given the information you’ve provided me, I’m afraid I need to perform a pelvic exam and take some swabs and samples to make sure you’re not seriously sick.” He said, looking at you apologetically.

You sighed and nodded, figuring this was coming.

You looked at Eren and asked, “Will you stay with me still?”

He looked at you confused and asked, “Are you sure you want me to stay in here while he exams your… you know… girly bits?”

You nodded and said, “I already know it’s gonna be uncomfortable as hell. I've heard these exams can hurt a little, especially if samples need to be taken. It’s also going to be awkward as fuck since it’s your dad and all, so I might as well have some sort of comfort. You can face the wall behind me if it helps.”

He hesitated, but nodded. Dr. Jaeger began to gather all of the instruments and things he needed for the exam while you put on the paper gown he gave you. You asked Eren to tie it for you and her did. Once it was tied, you slipped off your leggings and panties without him seeing anything. To spare both of you any extra embarrassment, you folded your panties inside your leggings so he didn’t see them.

“Lay back and place your feet into the stirrups, then slide your bottom towards the end of the table.” Dr. Jaeger said, sitting on the rolling stool.

You did what you were told and held your hand out to Eren, who was facing the wall behind you, but could still see you. He took your hand and held it tightly. Dr. Jaeger started to examine you and you breathed deeply, closing your eyes. You could feel your face heat up in embarrassment and couldn’t bring yourself to look at Eren, even as he squeezed your hand reassuringly. Once you felt the speculum touch you, you breathed deeply again, anticipating the pain of something entering you. It didn’t hurt while going in, but when it started to open, you whined slightly at the burning pain.

“I apologize ________,” Dr said, “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

You nodded and bit your lip. After what felt like forever, but was only about a minute and a half, the speculum was pulled out of you and you sighed in relief. You sat up and looked at Dr. Jaeger, watching as he collected all of the swabs and samples he had taken.

“I’m going to go process these and we should have the results in about twenty minutes. I’ll also need to take some blood samples to check a few things.” He said, standing.

You nodded and took the towel he handed you. He left the room and Eren turned his back so you could clean yourself up and get dressed again. You did so quickly and tossed the towel into the labeled basket.

“I’m done.” You said, sitting on the table again.

Eren turned back to you and leaned against the exam table, pulling you into a tight, but gentle hug. You hugged him back and buried your face into his neck.

“I love you,” he said, stroking your (h/c) hair, “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long but I was too scared. But after hearing that your own mother was forcing you to do that kind of stuff, I felt like I had to tell you… tell you that someone loved you….”

You teared up a little and said, “I love you too Eren…. But I was so scared to tell you because I thought no one could love me when I’m so used and disgusting….”

“You’re not disgusting,” Eren said, kissing your forehead, “You’ve been abused. None of it was your choice or your fault. Nothing could make me stop loving you.”

You looked up at him and he smiled at you. He leaned down and kissed you gently. You kissed him back before resting your head against his chest while he stood between your legs, hugging you. You stayed like that until the door opened again.

“Can I assume that you two finally confessed?” Dr. Jaeger asked, raising an eyebrow.

You giggled quietly and Eren nodded.

He nodded back and said, “Congratulations, and finally. Now, I’m sorry to have to separate you two lovebirds, but I need to take some blood samples.”

You nodded and pulled away from Eren to offer your arm to his father. He tied a rubber strip around your arm and felt for your vein. Once he found it, he skillfully stuck the needle in your arm and collected the blood he needed.

“Eren, hold this here for me.” He said, nodding down to the folded cotton pad he had placed over the needlestick.

Eren’s tanned fingers gently pressed down on the cotton and his father went to dispose of the needle. He came back with a roll of (f/c) coban and wrapped it around your arm. You thanked him and moved back to your embrace with Eren.

“I’ll run these tests and when all the results are back, we’ll go over them. For now, relax.” Grisha said, nodding at you two.

You nodded and rested your head back on Eren’s chest. He rested his chin on top of your head and hummed happily. You talked idly for a little over half an hour before Dr. Jaeger came back in, a dark look on his face.

“I know that look,” Eren said, sounding a little scared, “And nothing good comes after it….”

Grisha sighed and pulled the rolling stool over again, sitting down in front of you.

“Don’t sugarcoat it.” You said, trying to steal your nerves.

“There are a few things that we need to discus,” Dr. Jaeger said, looking down at the clipboard in his hands, “Are you sure you ok with Eren hearing this information?”

You nodded and said, “Yes. He knows everything else now. I’m not going to hide anything from him anymore.”

Dr. Jaeger nodded and said, “Alright. We’ll your anemia has gotten worse, which judging by how low your iron levels are, is probably due to your lack of nutrition. And your extreme weight loss is most likely due to your body’s dependence on the drugs.”

You nodded at his words. You had kind of figured that would be the case, but you were dreading whatever other diagnoses you might get.

“You have a few other vitamin deficiencies and insufficiencies, but that’s to be expected.”

You nodded.

“Unfortunately, I have two more rather serious diagnoses for you.”

You swallowed hard and nodded, holding onto Eren’s hand tightly.

“The lesser of the two is that you have a bacterial infection. It can be taken care of with antibiotics though.” Dr. Jaeger said.

You closed your eyes and sighed sadly.

“It’s an STD… isn’t it…?” You asked, looking at him.

“Yes. You have chlamydia, which, like I said, is treatable,” Dr said, trying to reassure you, “All you have to do is take the antibiotics that I give you and abstain from any sexual activity for a while and you’ll be cured.”

You nodded sadly and asked, “What’s the other bad news?”

Dr. Jaeger fell silent and his face grew dark again. A chill ran down your spine at the look.

“Dad,” Eren said, “What is it?”

The man sighed heavily and said, “________, according to your blood test, you’re somewhere between four and six weeks pregnant….”

The blood drained out of your face and your heart dropped into your stomach. You could see Dr. Jaeger’s lips moving, but all you could hear was a high-pitched ringing. It hadn’t been the withdrawal that was making you so sick…. It was because you were pregnant….

“I think I'm gonna be sick…!” You said, jumping up from the exam table and running to the garbage can that was built into the counter next to the sink.

You hunched over it and heaved roughly, bringing up stomach acid again. Gentle hands gathered your hair away from your face and another hand rubbed your back. You retched a few more times before gasping and coughing.

“Rinse your mouth out dear.” Dr. Jaeger said, turning the water on and grabbing a small cup.

He filled it and handed it to you. You took the water in, swished it around and spit it out in the sink. You coughed a few more times before straightening up, stumbling slightly. Eren quickly steadied you and brought you into his chest. Tears flooded your eyes and you began to sob.

“What am I going to do…?!” You cried, grabbing onto Eren’s shirt tightly.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, hugging you tightly, “We’ll get through this. I swear…!”

You spent a while crying into your boyfriend’s chest before you were able to calm down.

“Eren, I want you to take ________ to our house,” Grisha said, taking his phone out, “I’ll call your mother and explain what’s going on. She’ll know how to help.”

Eren nodded and lead you out of the clinic and back to his car. He got you in and quickly drove to his house. He helped you out of the car and to the front door where his mother met you.

“Oh ________, darling.” She cooed, pulling you into a hug.

You started to cry again and she slowly brought you to the couch. She lowered you both down and stroked your hair. Eren came and sat on your other side and rested his hand on your knee, letting you know he was there. You managed to calm down quicker this time and pulled out of Carla’s loving embrace.

You sniffled and said, “Did Papa call you yet?”

Carla smiled lightly at the name you had called Grisha since your father died and nodded.

“I have a plan.” She said, petting your hair.

You nodded and Eren asked, “What is it?”

“There are obviously a few things that we need to address, but the first one is ________’s mother. We need to get the police involved.” Carla said.

You sighed. You were afraid she was going to say that.

“I know you don’t want to ________, but we have to,” Carla said, petting your hair gently, “But don’t worry, we’ll be with you the whole way.”

You nodded and asked, “What do we do after that?”

“We get you in a rehab program to get your body to not be dependent on the drugs anymore.” She answered.

You nodded again and looked down at your hands.

“What about… the baby…?” Eren asked, hesitant.

You peeked up at Carla through your lashes, curious to see her reaction.

She smiled a little sadly and said, “It’s still early on. We need to take care of those two things first, and then we’ll turn our attention to that. Oh, and we need to get that infection cleared up! That’s really priority number 1. Well, 1A, since we can do that and the police at the same time.”

You giggled a little at her, causing her to smile at you.

“Mom, can ________ stay with us from now on?” Eren asked.

“Of course! We’re getting that bitch thrown in jail so she needs somewhere to live. And this is the safest place for her.” Carla said.

You and Eren looked at the woman in shock.

“Mom!” Eren exclaimed, wide-eyed.

She looked at you two and asked, “What?”

“You never swear,” you giggled, “At least, not like that!”

The woman shrugged and said, “I’m just calling it like I see it.”

You giggled again and nodded.

“My mom should be out doing god knows what right now, so we should probably go get my stuff.” You said, looking to Eren.

He nodded and you stood, say goodbye to your new mother and going to the car. It didn’t take long to reach your house and you sighed in relief when you saw that your mother’s car was indeed gone. You quickly went inside and to your room. You went to your closet and reached for the large duffle bag that was on the top shelf, but couldn’t reach it.

“Need some help there?” Eren asked, coming up behind you and putting a hand on your waist.

“Yes please.” You said, tilting your head back so you could look up at him.

He smiled down at you and gave you a quick kiss before grabbing the bag. He placed it on your bed and helped you shove your small wardrobe into it. You didn’t have a lot of stuff, since you didn’t see any of the money you made from ‘working’, so your belongings were few and far between and all fit into your duffle and backpack. Shoving the last item into your bag, a photo of you and Eren from when you were kids, you froze as you heard the front door slam shut.

“________, are you back? Whose piece of shit car is that?” Your mother yelled, sounding mostly sober.

You took a deep, shuddering breath and felt Eren wrap his arms around you.

“We’ll make something up and get out of here quickly, I swear.” He whispered, kissing your forehead.

You nodded and took another deep breath before steeling your nerves and walking downstairs.

“There you are,” your mother said, her drawn on eyebrows pinching together when she saw you, “What the fuck is all this?”

Your mind blanked and you started to panic slightly, looking to Eren for help.

“Max asked to barrow some stuff from ________ for a project and since we were all planning on hanging out today, I just decided to drive her.” Eren said, forcing a smile.

Your mother eyed you both for a moment before nodding slowly.

“Whatever. As long as your back in time for our plans tonight.” She said, staring you down.

A chill ran down your spine and squeezed out “Yes ma’am….”

She nodded again and waved her hand dismissively as she walked towards the kitchen. You quickly ran out the door and Eren threw your bags into the back seat. You got in the car and Eren sped the whole way back to his house. Once there, he put your things in his room and you sat down with his mother again.

“So, you’re supposed to work tonight?” She asked, pulling out her phone.

You nodded and watched as she dialed a number.

“Hannes, hi, it’s Carla,” she said, tilting her head a little, “Listen, Grisha and I need a favor.”

She listened for a moment before humming.

“Great,” Carla said, smiling, “You remember Eren’s friend ________, right? Well, turns out her mother is a horrid bitch and has been forcing ________ into sex work for the past few years. She was so scared that she wasn’t able to tell us anything before today when she saw Grisha for an exam. The bitch has also been forcing ________ to take drugs. Is there any way to set her up tonight to get her arrested?”

She listened again and you could faintly hear someone talking on the other end of the line, but you couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“Wonderful. We’ll come by the station when Grisha gets home. Thanks.”

The woman hung up and looked at you with a smile.

“That hag should be in jail tonight.” She said, a sly smirk on her lips.

You were still a little shocked to see this side of Eren’s mother, but you kind of liked it. You smiled yourself and hugged your new mom, thanking her.

“What do we do after she’s arrested?” Eren asked.

“Well, first, since ________ is still 17, your father and I will have to take care of whatever legal paperwork needs to be done to become her guardians. Then, rehab.” Carla said, stroking your hair.

You nodded and reached out for Eren’s hand. He laced his fingers with yours and brought your hand up, kissing it lovingly. You ended up cuddling up with Eren on the couch watching tv with his mother while waiting for your father to get home. Once he arrived, you all got into his car and drove to the police station.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding as you watched a cop handcuff your mother.

“You little bitch! How dare you do this to me! I’ll make you regret it!!” She screeched, fighting against the cop.

You huffed out a breath and turned away from her, searching for Eren. You spotted him quickly and made your way to him. He hugged you and kissed your forehead. The next step now was rehab. It turns out that your new mom had a friend that ran a really nice rehab facility. And you didn’t have to pay for a thing, since the courts had decided that your biological mother owed you sever hundred thousand dollars for all of the trauma and damages she caused. You kept up with your school work while in rehab, but a little over two weeks into the program, you ended up in the hospital. They called Carla and your family quickly raced over.

“________,” Eren cried, bursting into you room, “Are you ok?! What happened?!”

You smiled tiredly at him and reached out for his hand. He quickly came to your side and held your hand with both of his.

“I miscarried.” You said simply.

Eren’s eyes widened at the news, and he didn’t know how to react, not knowing how you felt.

“How do you feel about the situation?” Your mom asked, sitting next to you on your bed and petting your head.

You smiled sadly and said, “I’m a little sad but, it’s best that this happened. I’m not ready for a baby and I honestly don’t know how I would have handled having a child from that situation. So, I'm ok.”

Eren frowned and said, “You don’t look like you’re ok.”

You laughed lightly and said, “I meant mentally and emotionally. Physically I’m tired as fuck and still in pain. Both from rehab and this. But I really am fine. I’ll be better in no time, I promise.”

Eren sighed lightly but nodded. You leaned up and kissed him gently before resting back in your bed.

Two months later, you were back home with Eren and your new family and you would be graduation high school soon. You were clean and sober a little over two months and you had recovered from the miscarriage completely. Your life was normal now, and you couldn’t be any happier with your boyfriend and your new family.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #eren jeager #eren yeager #eren jaeger x reader #eren yaeger x reader

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computermaus · 3 years

Text

Some HC's :) Older teenage

Stan

Decided to leave the footballteam in 6th grade

Has become vegetarian in 8th grade

He has book of whales and dolphins

Enjoys watching sea documentaries

He is against Sea World or any whale shows who hold whales and dolphins in captivity. Has lead many protests against it.

He has a very good aim

He goes to a shooting range when stressed. Nobody knows this until 11th grade.

Favourite class his biology. It's the only class he is in AP at.

He bought a Star Wars Millennium Falcon on his 16th Birthday. And Kyle thought it was absolutely stupid paying 800 Dollars for that. (Stan is the type of person to do that. Can't convince me otherwise)

He likes to ride a bike occasionally for a few hours

He learned snowboarding by himself and enjoys it much more than skiing

He has learned to play the electric guitar in 6th grade.

He likes to sing when he is on his own or makes up songs on his own and sings them.

He has habit how losing things.

He is very scared to become like his father. He likes to keep himself busy so he won't fall into his addiction tendencies.

Is still fair skinned. Eventhough he had been living on a farm slnce he was 10. He doesn't get a tan.

He goes to the Spa on special occasions to relax

He was born with small breathing tubes. He has to carry an asthma inhaler in case he is short of breath

He gets nauseating from using the swings. But has no problems being on a boat

He can't dive for longer than 5 seconds without any equipment.

He passed his driving test after two lessons and at the first try without any mistake.

Kyle

He got in the basketballteam in junior year of Highschool

He got in a fight with with Cartman on the first day of Highschool.

He's the leader of the Math Quest

Has installed an app or software so teachers won't have to deal with computer viruses. ( Look I have no idea if this is accurate or not. Just roll with it)

He's in AP math, computer science, history, physics, geography, and english.

He's good at saving money

His anger has gotten worse at the beginning of his teenage years. Forcing him to take Anger Management classes.

When he's drunk he spends money on stupid things he later regrets when sober.

Kyle uses hand sanitizer before entering any building

He doesn't like it when someone or himself lies on his bed with their streetclothes and only lies on his bed in his pyjamas.

He sometimes helps out his father in his law firm. His father wants him to become a lawyer but Kyle is unsure

He can't deal with situations he didn't plan beforehand and doesn't like spontaneity.

He looked up spoilers when watching Game of Thrones with Stan but never told him.

He hates to cry in front of people that aren't his friends or family and rather gets angry.

In Music class they had to sing a song. Because Kyle didn't want to hear his own voice he had worn headphones. (They were allowed to do so). Some students started to laugh.

Kyle hates music class. He has complained many times how useless it is to force students to sing in front of their classmates only to embarrass them. When they have no interests or talent in singing (my personal opinion and I'm still traumatised. look i was a shy 14 year old girl. You can't expect me to sing in front of two classes.)

He likes when a student preferably in math class doesn't understand something, so he can explain it to them. ( THis is NOT what I did. 👀)

He started to smoke in junior year and quit after 5 months

He was in double as much detention as Stan and this because of the many fights Kyle got into. When Kenny showed him that fact Kyle didn't want to believe it was true.

Kenny

He collects snails in his backyard. He then organises a snail race and lets people pay entry. And also makes bets

Inspired by the movie the Kissing Booth he also wanted to make on in Highschool to raise money for some trip. This idea was declined

He likes Poetry

He goes to singing classes to master his oper singing skills since 8th grade

He has watched every episode of the Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girls

He is never much prepared when holding presentations and never has a poster or any visual presentation than himself. When the teacher pointed this out at one point, he said: Watching him should be enough.

He wouldn't go on a rollercoaster

He doesn't listen in class and asks Kyle what they have for homework.

He still does okay in tests

He made a pseudonym called: " MC the Lovedoctor. And gives advice for love sick students, he read from Cosmopolitan

Yes Kenny unironically reads the Cosmopolitan

He bites his nails

He has trouble opening up emotionally in relationships and that's because of the neglect he got from his parents

Kenny saves the money he earns for music college

He uses alot of self deprecating jokes.

He got his first phone in 7th grade

He is still a fan of NASCAR

He teaches Stan self defense. He teaches him stuff he learned by himself from living " In the Hood" he so nicely calls it. When Stans old house is like 20 steps away.

He found a possum in a trash and called it Louvre. And has adopted it. Kyle is absolutely disgusted by that thing. And one time when Stan, Kyle and Kenny were hanging in Kyle's room Kenny has brought that possum with him. It broke free from Kennys grasp and jumped on Kyles holy tempel. His bed.

The possum hates Kyle and attacked him several times

The possum loves Stan

He needs braces but can't afford them

He told Stan to invite him to a Spa trip with him.

He once jumped out of the window in the 8th floor when he didn't want to be in Detention anymore. The next day everyone forgot Kenny killed himself and that he was in detention. He regrets doing it and won't do it again. During is death Satan has scolded him out and how reckless he was acting.

Cartman

He loves the Possum for attacking Kyle

He likes to wear shirts that don't fit him

He got diabetes type 2 at 16.

He eats in class when he feels stressed. Its almost all the time

He likes to provocate Kyle so he will fight him and get detention for it.

He runs a club in Highschool called: "the Abstinences" They had sworn out any sexual activities and it doesn't belong to his Christian beliefs. He hides the fact he is scared of it and insecure. He shames people who are more promiscuous.

He believes because of this club he will go to Heaven

When partying he is unable to stop with the alcohol. Because of his fat it takes him longer to get drunk

He doesn't know how to shave and goes to school with razer cuts on his face.

He gets results from tests and sells them to other students

He still does terribly in school because he sucks at memorising.

He has a dream of owing his own slaughterhouse.

He gets defensive when someone asks him about his father

He has poor coordination skills.

He is to lazy to do the driving test and uses the excuse that his friends should drive him around

He won a eating contest. He ate 50 Burgers in 15 minutes.

He does good presentations in school and enjoys doing them

He has complained many times that students weren't allowed to use the elevator in school and had to use the stairs. The teacher told him to lose weight. In which Cartman told the principal the teacher was fat shaming him.

He cuddles with his cat before going to sleep

#south park #stan marsh #kyle broflovski #eric cartman #kenny mccormick #sp headcanons

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etherealfrenzy · 3 years

Text

My interpretation of Shoni from Toni’s perspective

Can we talk more about this scene tho? I feel like this scene is so important for Shelby and Toni’s relationship, because it shows that it’s a lot deeper than them just having feelings for one another. “I trust you” is a huge thing for Toni to say, more than what she’s given credit for. Toni trusts Shelby, Toni who has been abandoned by everyone who was supposed to care about her. Her dad left her when she was just a baby. Her mom left her when she succumbed into addiction. Her girlfriend left her as soon as she realized Toni was too much to handle. She was abandoned and betrayed by everyone she ever loved. So she just doesn’t let people in her life anymore. Because “when you’re by yourself you can only hurt yourself. I’d call that safer”. She’s so scared of being left again, of being hurt again that she just doesn’t give people the chance to anymore. She doesn’t trust anyone, pushes everyone away, and that way they can’t hurt her.

The only person that has always stuck by Toni’s side and never gave up on her is Martha. But loving Martha made her reinforce her trust issues even more because Martha’s been emotionally and physically abused. Dr. Ted took advantage of Martha’s age, kindness and innocence. And Toni wasn’t there then, but Martha’s still in denial of what happened and built a fairytale world to be able to cope with it. Martha only sees the good in people and is incapable of detecting when someone has ulterior motives or is trying to take advantage of her one way or the other. Because of this, Toni feels responsible for her. She takes on the responsibility of filtering the people that want to enter Martha’s life. “Why am I always fighting your battles for you?”. Toni detects those who she thinks are fake, or might have immoral interests when it comes to her best friend and scares them away. So not only Toni doesn’t trust people to enter her life, but she is also extremely protective and careful of those who want to enter Martha’s.

And then Shelby comes along, who is exactly the type of person Toni would normally stay away from. A rich, white, church girl who pretends to be kind and love everyone. The type of person that is always optimistic and cheerful but it’s all fake because all she really wants is to gain people’s trust and to make people like her just so that she can take advantage of them later. Toni sees Shelby and she knows that all of that kindness and optimism is just some mask, just some character she portrays because “deep down she’s hiding some pretty fucked up shit”. Toni doesn’t know what she’s hiding yet, but she is sure that Martha and herself are better off without it. “Martha’s getting taken for a ride. All Shelby wants to do is hang out with her long enough to put “saved a little res girl” on her college aps. So yeah I’m not out here being petty. I’m just trying to protect my best friend”.

I think that’s why Toni is so mean and aggressive towards Shelby in the beginning, not because she’s hiding her feelings for her (even though being attracted to Shelby probably didn’t help) but because she senses there’s more to Shelby than what she’s letting on, and that makes her untrustworthy. “You got a lot of people here thinking you’re all rainbows and unicorn shit. But I see you”. And to top it all off, Shelby claims to be homophobic, so she just couldn’t get any more untrustworthy in Toni’s eyes (even though after that Shelby saves Toni’s life. She owes her now, but it’s not enough to trust her). Of course, there’s also the jealousy. Martha is literally the only person in Toni’s life that she really cares about. So to see her best friend, her person, be more interested in some untrustworthy white chick than she is in Toni hurts her feelings and makes her dislike Shelby even more. “You know she’s dead-ass gonna drop you after this. Like don’t expect her to invite you down to fucking Dallas”. She feels replaced, abandoned all over again. “I could be bleeding, right? My guts spilling out into the streets, but if Shelby came along with a smile and some fucking muffins, then Martha would just walk right by me”.

So Toni and Shelby’s rivalry goes on until Shelby reveals one of her secrets: her fake teeth. After this scene you can see Toni soften for Shelby a little bit, she begins to understand that maybe she read her wrong. That maybe, just maybe the fucked up shit that she’s hiding is not as dangerous to her or Martha as Toni initially thought. She makes the effort to try and comfort her, or at least be nice to her for once (except when she’s being homophobic) when she finds her in the woods. She tries to make her laugh and then lets her talk about her problems, because Toni is now interested. She wants to know more about Shelby, she wants to understand her better now that she knows her demons are not at all what Toni thought. She’s for the first time listening to what Shelby has to say. She’s disappointed though, as she expected she would be. That talk about excessive expectations doesn’t sit right with Toni. It is, after all, the opposite of her own problem.

But then Shelby kisses her, and that’s when everything changes. That’s when Toni changes her whole demeanor towards Shelby. That’s when she becomes soft for her. And it wasn’t the kiss itself, it wasn’t because she now knows Shelby has feelings for her. It’s because of what the kiss meant. It’s because she finally understands Shelby. She finally “sees her”, the real her. And that’s what Toni needed to see to be able to trust her. Shelby saved her life yes, but it’s so much more than that. She needed Shelby to drop the persona, to break that mask and to stop being the Shelby her parents told her she had to be. Shelby reveals to Toni all of that “fucked up shit she’s hiding”. And this revelation alone allows Toni to finally trust her. To stop fighting her, to stop pushing her away but to kiss her back instead. And she wants to as well, because after all, the untrustworthy girl who was trying to steal her best friend, who she felt attracted to but thought hated her for being gay, turns out to be trustworthy, to actually care about Martha, to be gay herself and to have feelings for Toni as well. And so in that scene, on top of that small cliff, Toni can finally, wholeheartedly say “I trust you”. And she means it, as hard as it is for her to trust people, as much as she tried not to during those first few days, she trusts Shelby.

#thewilds #the wilds #amazon prime #shelby #toni #shoni #goodfoe

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not-wholly-unheroic · 3 years

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On the Origins of Hook: The Complicated and Often Contradictory Backstory of a Villain

The story of Peter Pan has been told and retold in writing, on the stage, and on the big screen countless times, yet in the original storyline, we are thrust into a world with a pre-established (and presumably long-standing) relationship between its hero and villain with little information regarding their pasts. So far as the audience is concerned, Peter and Hook have always been a part of the Neverland...yet as evidenced by the many retellings that attempt to answer the question of these characters’ origins, clearly, people want to know more. Barrie, however, leaves a great deal to the imagination and while he tackles a bit of Peter’s past in The Little White Bird, there is significantly less information about Hook in his writings, and much of it is up for debate, as Barrie arguably contradicts himself.

In terms of canon (which for the purposes of this article I am limiting to Barrie’s final published version of the novel), much of what we know about Hook can only be inferred from a few brief passages. In the initial introduction of the pirates, Barrie gives us the following description of Hook:

In the midst of them, the blackest and largest in that dark setting, reclined James Hook, or as he wrote himself, Jas. Hook, of whom it is said he was the only man that the Sea-Cook feared. He lay at his ease in a rough chariot drawn and propelled by his men, and instead of a right hand he had the iron hook with which ever and anon he encouraged them to increase their pace. As dogs this terrible man treated and addressed them, and as dogs they obeyed him. In person he was cadaverous and blackavized, and his hair was dressed in long curls, which at a little distance looked like black candles, and gave a singularly threatening expression to his handsome countenance. His eyes were of the blue of the forget-me-not, and of a profound melancholy, save when he was plunging his hook into you, at which time two red spots appeared in them and lit them up horribly. In manner, something of the grand seigneur still clung to him, so that he even ripped you up with an air, and I have been told that he was a raconteur [storyteller] of repute. He was never more sinister than when he was most polite, which is probably the truest test of breeding; and the elegance of his diction, even when he was swearing, no less than the distinction of his demeanour, showed him one of a different cast from his crew. A man of indomitable courage, it was said that the only thing he shied at was the sight of his own blood, which was thick and of an unusual colour. In dress he somewhat aped the attire associated with the name of Charles II, having heard it said in some earlier period of his career that he bore a strange resemblance to the ill-fated Stuarts; and in his mouth he had a holder of his own contrivance which enabled him to smoke two cigars at once. But undoubtedly the grimmest part of him was his iron claw.

From this, we may be able to draw a few conclusions about who Hook was before he came to the island. (1) He was likely a sailor, if not a pirate, BEFORE he met Peter, given that he had previous interactions with “The Sea Cook”--that is, Long John Silver. (2) He was alive and most likely an adult by the mid 1700s, as in Treasure Island, Billy Bones--a former crewmate of Silver’s--has the date 1745 in his log and the dates 1750 and 1754 on his treasure maps. (3) Hook’s hairstyle and fashion is similar to that of Charles II, whose reign ended with his death in 1685.

We are also informed by John that Hook was supposed to have been Blackbeard’s bosun. Blackbeard was born somewhere around 1680 and may have been a privateer earlier in his career at sea, but he didn’t actually take up piracy until 1716 and had only a very brief reign of terror before he was killed off the coast of North Carolina in 1718. Assuming Hook was meant to be Blackbeard’s bosun after he went pirate, this gives us a pretty narrow window of time during which Hook might have interacted with him. And, if we take the comment about the Sea Cook seriously, then Hook must have been pretty young at the time he worked for Blackbeard, given that there is a twenty-seven year gap between Blackbeard’s death and the earliest date Billy Bones offers in connection with Silver.

Hook also uses words and phrases such as, “Pan, who and what art thou?” which would seem to indicate that he is from a time period centuries before the Darlings come to visit. (“Thee” and “thou” had pretty much completely fallen out of common use in English by the late 1700s/early 1800s.)

So far, so good. The dates might make it a bit of a stretch, but we can pretty comfortably say that prior to Neverland, Hook was a sailor--and probably a pirate--during the 1700s, was likely born in the late 1600s, and was possibly a related to Charles II, who had many illegitimate children. This possibility fits nicely with Barrie’s statement that, “Hook was not his true name. To reveal who he really was would even at this date set the country in a blaze.”

We don’t know much about his parentage, however, except that Hook’s voice cracks when he is speaking to Smee about mothers regarding the neverbird’s refusal to leave her eggs even after the nest falls into the water. Whether this is because he was close to his own mother and is lamenting her loss or he had a rather indifferent (or even cruel) mother and he is lamenting his own lack of a loving childhood is up for debate, though the official sequel, Peter Pan in Scarlet--written in 2006 by Geraldine McCaughrean--favors the second interpretation. (Again, however, for the purposes of this article, I am only considering Barrie’s published novel as canon.)

We also learn that Hook attended Eton, a rather prestigious school for boys between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. Assuming Hook completed his schooling there and was, therefore, at least eighteen by the time he joined up with Blackbeard, it would place his being born somewhere close to 1700. Assuming his interaction with Long John Silver was, at the earliest, probably around 1745, and that this interaction happened prior to his visiting the Neverland, it puts Hook (physically) at approximately age 45 by the time we meet him in the book, give or take a bit.

There are two potential problems with that timeline, however. (1) In Barrie’s original novel, only Peter stays young forever. The boys can technically grow up, and Peter “thins them out” when they do. (Decide for yourself whether that means banishment or something worse.) If this is the case, Hook shouldn’t still be alive or, even if the aging process is slowed down, at the very least, he should be an old man, given that the Darlings visit in the early 1900s...making him at least two hundred years old. (2) Near the end of the book, when Hook is trying to convince the boys to join his pirate crew and John asks innocently whether they would still be loyal subjects of the king, Hook responds with, “You would have to swear, ‘Down with King George!’” John (and likely the audience) assumes here that Hook is talking about King George V, who would have been the present king of England at the time the novel was published. If this is the case, how does Hook know who the king is? Has he been able to leave the island and find out this information? Or is Hook, perhaps, from a more modern era than we suspect? Cleverly, Barrie leaves this question open-ended, as Hook could just as easily have been referring to King George the First, who ruled England from 1714 until 1727.

As for personal hobbies, we know only that he loves flowers and plays the harpsichord--an instrument that was once quite popular but which had fallen out of favor by the 1800s, replaced by the piano.

The rest of the information we get from Barrie about Hook’s origins comes primarily from his “Hook at Eton” speech, delivered in 1927--many years after his original play (1904) and novel (1911). And here’s where things get interesting (read: contradictory). Because he wrote the speech so many years later, as a sort of afterthought, and because of the inconsistences with the novel, I personally reject this information as canon. Nevertheless, it is Barrie’s take on his own character and, therefore, is worth at least considering.

In this work, we are told that Hook not only attended Eton but also--at least briefly--went to Oxford. This in and of itself poses no major problems for the timeline suggested by the novel. What DOES pose a problem, however, is the fact that Barrie claims to have been in contact with Hook’s “Aunt Emily”--apparently his closest surviving relative--and has been in search of possible photographs of Hook during his time there. This would indicate that Hook MUST be from a much later, more modern era than the book suggests, as photography didn’t really come into fashion until the mid-1800s, and even if “Aunt Emily” is quite old (and she is likely a good fifteen to twenty years OLDER than Hook if we assume she is near in age to one of his parents) at the time of Barrie’s supposed meeting with her, she couldn’t have reasonably been expected to have been born before the early 1800s, placing Hook’s own birth nearer to the 1850s. While some of the information in the novel might be explained away to fit with this date (his choice of dress and hairstyle, for instance), he could not possibly have interacted with Blackbeard or Long John Silver. In fact, he could not have been a pirate--at least, not in the traditional sense--at all, as the Golden Age of Piracy (1650s--1730s) had long passed and the Age of Sail ended in the 1860s. Because of this inconsistency, some have argued that Barrie may have intended Hook to be a more modern man who essentially became trapped in a child’s fantasy land. He became a “pirate” only AFTER his interactions with Pan--that is, he took on the role of a villain because that is how Peter and the children imagined him--and that John’s assertions about his interactions with Blackbeard and Silver are merely rumors that the boy has heard.

Setting aside this apparent contradiction in the timeline, we DO learn some other interesting facts about Hook. For instance, Hook’s blood (which was said in the novel to be thick and strangely colored), is specified as having been yellow. This, along with his appearance having been described in the novel as “cadaverous” has lead some to conclude that Hook was likely rather sickly as a child. We also learn that Hook enjoyed the Lake poets and strawberry mess (a dessert), collected keys, performed well in sports while at Eton (though he did not like water sports as he rather surprisingly hated the feeling of water on his skin), and played the flute. We also learn that he was politically conservative and was probably never in a romantic relationship.

There are a few other bits of information about Barrie’s idea of Hook that can be found in the early manuscripts for the play, which feature “deleted scenes.” One such manuscript--the earliest, I believe--can be found here. (Though good luck with reading it without going cross-eyed because Barrie’s handwriting is BAD.) However, I think this post has gone on long enough, yet we are still left with many unanswered questions. But perhaps this is what Barrie intended all along. Perhaps, fittingly, we are ultimately left to fill in the blanks about this villain of the Neverland with our own imagination.

_____

Thanks to @katherinenotgreat for asking me to do a post on Hook’s origins. Thanks also to @concordia-cum-sinistro for your input. Feel free to add your own information regarding the original manuscript drafts, as I know you are more familiar with them than I am.

#peter pan #captain hook #captain james hook #james hook #jm barrie

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crazy4dragons · 3 years

Text

Everything Will Be Okay

Astrid comforts Hiccup after he finds out his injuries from a car accident are more serious than he thought. Pure fluff! Like Heaven AU. Hiccstrid are about 16 here.

Hearing her phone ring, Astrid turned her attention away from her homework and looked at the caller ID.

Hiccup 😜

“Hey, Hiccup,” she greeted as she accepted the call.

“Are you busy?” came Hiccup’s voice through the speaker.

“I’m just doing homework. Why, what’s up?”

Hiccup sighed. “I had physical therapy today. You know, for my leg. And my therapist told me that I’m not making the progress he thought I would.”

“Listen, you shattered your bone pretty badly. And with the fracture in your ankle, too, it might take longer than expected for everything to heal all the way.”

“That’s the thing, Astrid. It’s not going to heal all the way.” Hiccup’s voice cracked. “The doctors are recommending I get a second surgery. And if that doesn’t work, I might have to use a wheelchair off and on for the rest of my life. Or maybe just a cane if I’m lucky, but I don’t want to be walking around like an old man with a walking stick. Do you know how much I’ll get teased at school? If I can ever go back to school?”

“But there’s also a chance the second surgery could work, right?”

“I guess, but even if it does, my limp will never go away permanently.” He sniffled.

Astrid frowned. “Hiccup? Are you crying?”

He didn’t reply.

“Are you still there? Hiccup?”

“Can you…can you come over? I need you,” Hiccup said, still sniffling. “And if it’s okay with your mom, do you think you could just stay the night?”

“I’ll ask, but she might say no because it’s a school night. Are your parents there?”

“Yeah, both of them are here. I’ll be honest with you, Astrid, I cried the whole way home from physical therapy, and cried more when we got home. My mom sat with me for a while, but she thought that maybe it would help take my mind off of everything if you came over.”

Astrid shut her laptop and, putting her phone on speaker and resting it on her desk, began to pack up her school supplies. “Yeah, I can come for at least a couple hours. I’ll check with my mom about sleeping over, too. Is there anything you want me to bring?”

“No. But if you’re down to cuddle, that would be great.”

“Of course I am.”

“Great. Well, I’ll let you go, then. Do you need my dad to come pick you up?”

“No, I can walk.”

“But Astrid, it’s freezing out. And dark.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll ask my dad come get you. I’ll tell him to be there in fifteen.”

“Okay, if you insist. I’ll talk to my mom about the sleepover and text you to let you know what she says.”

“Sounds good. See you in a bit, then.”

“See you. Bye.”

“Bye.”

…

Twenty minutes later, Astrid walked into Hiccup’s house, her overnight bag over her shoulder and a pillow under her arm.

“Hello, dear,” greeted Valka. “I’m so glad you could come. Hiccup could really use a friend.”

“Is he in his room?”

“Yes, love, he’s in his room. Did you have dinner yet? Stoick made pan-seared salmon and noodles. We have leftovers if you’re hungry.”

“No, I didn’t have dinner yet. Do you mind if I bring a plate to Hiccup’s room?”

Valka looked at the things in Astrid’s arms. “Why don’t you go on up and get settled in, and I’ll bring it up to you?”

“Thank you,” smiled the blonde. She ascended the stars and knocked on Hiccup’s door. “Hey, it’s me.”

“Come in.”

Astrid twisted the doorknob and, after putting her bag and pillow down, shuffled over to where Hiccup was sitting with red eyes and a box of tissues and wrapped him in a hug. “You know, no matter what happens, you’ll still have me.”

Unable to hold back his tears, Hiccup broke out into a sob. “I just want to be normal,” he cried, burying his face into Astrid’s shoulder.

“Shhh, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay,” repeated Astrid, running her fingers through his hair and hugging him closer. By the time Valka came upstairs with her dinner, he had stopped crying and settled back against the pillows, clutching Astrid’s hand for comfort.

“Here you go, Astrid,” Valka said, handing the blonde a warm plate of food. “And what about you, dear? How are you feeling?” She bent down and kissed Hiccup’s forehead. “Do you want any dessert? Or a soda?”

Hiccup shook his head. “No thanks, Mom.”

“Alright, well if you change your mind, just call me. I’ll be back to say goodnight in a little while. Just try not to worry too much, okay? I love you.”

“Love you, Mom.” Hiccup briefly hugged his mother before turning back to Astrid. “I’m just tired of the hospital. And surgery. And being stuck in bed. And I know the kids at school are gonna tease me if I show up with a cane. Or even a wheelchair.”

“They’re jerks if they tease you,” said Astrid, scooping noodles into her mouth. “But as for me, I’d much rather have you alive and needing a little help to walk than have you in your grave. Do you know how worried I was when I heard you were in an accident? And how scared I was when you were in your coma?”

“The coma was only two days,” Hiccup pointed out. “And seeing that I don’t remember it, it’s the least of my worries.”

“But from my perspective, all I could think about was, what if I lose my best friend?”

“And what kind of a friend will I be if I can’t do anything with you besides sit and talk?”

“I like talking to you,” shrugged Astrid. “And besides, you’ll be able to move around more soon. Even if it’s with some help. You’ll adapt.” She took a bite of fish. “You want any of this?”

He shook his head. “I already had some.”

“How about you put on Netflix or something so we can find a show to watch? As soon as I’m done eating, I’ll cuddle with you, too. I put on cozy clothes before I came here just for that reason.”

“What time are you getting up for school tomorrow?” Hiccup asked as he grabbed the remote.

“Six. I’ll try to leave without waking you, but I do have to give a warning that I have to set an alarm for myself.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I I can’t go back to sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you still getting your assignments e-mailed to you?”

“Yeah. Right now I’m working on the project for my history elective, so at least I have something keeping me busy.”

“And you’re still making drawings to go with it?” Astrid asked between bites.

Hiccup nodded. “Yeah, wanna see?” He reached over and grabbed his sketchbook from the bedside table. “Here’s Thor and his hammer. And here’s some dragons. And here’s Freja and her cats.”

“They’re awesome.”

“I still have to color them in. I also have to draw Loki and Odin. And I want to do a scene of Vikings sitting in the Great Hall listening to stories. Then I have to get all these drawings on a poster and write a few paragraphs of background research for each of them. What about you? Any big projects you have to finish?”

“I have my AP bio exam coming up soon. That’s kicking my ass right now.” Astrid finished up her food and laid her plate aside. “But it’s okay.”

“And how’s it going with your boyfriend?”

“You mean David? He’s not my official boyfriend yet,” laughed Astrid. “But he is taking me out again on Friday night.”

“Is he treating you good?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t have agreed to a second date if he wasn’t.” She snuggled against Hiccup’s side. “By the way, what are we gonna watch?”

“Will you hate me if I put on Vikings? I know how much you love historical dramas.”

Astrid laughed. “Put on whatever you want. I’ll just snooze. But wake me up when this episode is over because I need a shower before bed.” She draped an arm across his middle.

Grinning, Hiccup pressed the play button before tossing the remote aside and hugging the blonde. “Your boyfriend won’t mind us cuddling, will he?” He winked.

Astrid playfully punched his bicep. “He’s not my boyfriend!” she insisted.

“That’s what you say,” teased Hiccup.

“And even if he was, he wouldn’t be any longer if he had a problem with our friendship.”

“Aww, you’d break up with your crush for me?”

“Of course. Friends come first.” She tugged the duvet over their bodies and kissed his tear-stained cheek. “I mean it. No matter what happens, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” returned Hiccup, squeezing her tighter and rubbing his nose against the side of her face. “And thanks for coming here tonight. This is exactly what I needed.”

“You’re allowed to kiss me, you know,” laughed Astrid as she felt him nuzzle her cheek. “You don’t have to do whatever this is.” She reached up and flicked the tip of his nose.

Smiling, Hiccup pressed kisses into Astrid’s hair and against her cheek. “There, is that enough for you?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged playfully. “Maybe one more.”

Hiccup gave her cheek one last kiss before burying his face against her shoulder.

A warm feeling surged through Astrid’s veins as she let out a contented sigh and closed her eyes. “Alright. I’m gonna nap now. Remember, wake me up after this episode is over.”

“Maybe I will, maybe I won’t,” teased Hiccup.

“Unless you want me to walk around school smelling like a yak tomorrow, you’ll wake me.” She snuggled into his chest. “And Hiccup?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything will be okay.”

#hiccstrid #like heaven #like heaven au #fanfic #my writing #httyd #modern au #modern au hiccstrid #teenage hiccstrid

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anna-justice · 4 years

Text

Lost or Found - 15

Summary: As Jay, Hailey, Kim, Adam and Kevin start their junior year in the wake of a tragic summer, the past year of their lives comes back to haunt them. If you enjoyed Pretty Little Liars, this is for you! *UPSTEAD/BURZEK High School AU

...

15 - Glimmer ...

“Jay, this has to be perfect.”

Jay scoffed at his friend, who was attempting to paint massive letters on a blue sign. “This seems a bit extravagant Adam.”

Adam rolled his eyes, dropping his paint brush. He had asked Jay to come over a few hours prior to help him. It was Sunday, the day before spirit week and Adam was planning on asking his girlfriend to the homecoming dance the following weekend. The plan was simple: Jay (and Kevin, who ditched because he had an extra practice) were going to help Adam make all the shit he needed while Hailey kept her away from his house. Then after school Monday, Jay and Hailey were in charge of distracting Kim until he was ready. The only problem was, Adam’s ability to paint was about as good as his handwriting and the letters on the sign were equal to chicken scratch.

“I mean, you are already dating.” Jay continued.

“So,” Adam said, standing. “You are telling me that when you ask Hailey you won’t be holding a corny sign and a bouquet of flowers?” Jay began to speak but Adam kept talking. “Because I guarantee you, you will look like an idiot when every other girl has a cute story to tell.”

Jay shot his friend a dirty look, “Who said I was going to ask Hailey?”

“I hate you…”Adam muttered, groaning in defeat. He was sick of watching Jay dance around his feelings, especially since he knew Hailey felt the same way. He knew that he was the one that told him it was a bad idea in the first place, but he had retracted the statement a million times since then.

“Adam stop stressing, you know she will say yes.” Jay said, changing the subject.

Adam shrugged, “I know. That’s not the point. I just want her to feel special.”

Jay grinned, it was fun to watch his usually dickish best friend get all sentimental. “You know, sometimes you have these moments where I forget how much of a sarcastic little smartass you are.”

Adam glared at him. He then put on a fake smile and put his hand over his heart. “Really Jay? That means so much to me.”

Jay rolled his eyes and laughed as Adam got back to work. And even though Jay had dismissed him just a few moments earlier, he had planned to ask Hailey. He was right, it needed to be special, and Jay had the perfect idea.

…

Going back to school on Monday was a bit of an adjustment for Hailey. It was exactly the same as before, Jay picked her up (she really needed to start giving him gas money) and they met their friends in the parking lot and she went to her first block as normal. Except she had had heart surgery, and everyone knew that she was the girl that got trapped in a garage with a running car. That alone made people's stares a little more intense, but she also couldn’t seem to forget about the scar running up her chest.

It was crazy, she was wearing a t-shirt, no one could even see it. But she still felt like she had something she was hiding. It was all too familiar, she flashed back to just a year earlier when she began to hide the bruises caused by her father. There was something scary about her situation (other than the obvious facts), she moved to Chicago to escape the danger she was in, but somehow she had walked into something worse. And now she was a 16 year old with a pacemaker and a stalker, and she wasn’t a fan of either.

Hailey and Jay were walking to first block together, since they both had Criminal Justice. Hailey was still nursing the cup of coffee that Jay had brought her that morning, and she would admit that it made her morning much better. The two ways to her heart were coffee and pizza, and Jay had gotten pretty good at buying her both.

They settled into their seats (of course right next to each other) and Hailey pulled out her textbook. She noticed the sheepish look on Jay’s face and pushed it between them, it wasn’t the first time that he had forgotten his.

Jay smirked as he watched Hailey pull out her notebook and pencil pouch, the girl was a bit of a control freak when it came to her notes. Not that he minded, his looked like a five year old did them, so he’d be studying with hers anyway.

That’s how they spent the whole class: Hailey listening attentively and taking notes and Jay watching her listen and take notes. By the end he couldn’t remember one sentence their teacher said. He looked down at his own blank paper and chuckled, he hadn’t realized how out of touch he had really been.

“Mr. Halstead, did you find something more important to do than paying attention in my class?” Their teacher, Mr. Chavez asked as he stared him down.

Jay was about to respond with a “yes” but Hailey beat him to it, “He has a headache sir, I told him he could copy my notes later.” She explained.

“That’s very kind of you Ms. Upton. Great work as always.” He looked to Jay, his smile faltering. “See to it that you get those notes, don’t throw away Ms. Upton’s kindness.”

Jay nodded his head, stifling a laugh as he walked away. He gathered his things, preparing for the bell to ring and Hailey smirked beside him. “The next time you want to stare at me for an hour and a half, pick a class you aren’t close to failing.”

As soon as she finished her sentence, the bell rang and Hailey jumped up. “Hey! I’m not failing.” He called after her, but she just threw a grin over her shoulder at him and exited the room. Jay shook his head and grabbed his backpack, pulling the strap over his shoulder. That girl was going to be the death of him.

He made his way to his next class, Advanced Physics, which he unfortunately didn’t have with Hailey. He felt a little pathetic if he was being honest, but his happiness at the moment completely revolved around her. When she was around, the air felt a little lighter and he could breathe easier.

It was crazy to think that something so good came out of all of the shit they were dealing with, but it did. Hailey Anne Upton was his best friend, what more could he ask for?

…

Hailey sat in Psychology next to Severide, keeping her eyes locked on Kevin who turned around every five seconds to check on her. It was hard and she spent the whole class a little on edge, but they couldn’t risk Severide knowing that they were onto him in any way. Which meant Hailey had to spend 90 minutes every other day pretending to be his friend.

“How are you doing?” He asked, grabbing her attention.

Hailey looked back at him, startled. “I’m good, thanks.”

Severide nodded, glancing back down at her paper. “Uh, do you have number seven?”

“Yeah, it’s cognitive.” She said, looking at her own.

“Thanks.”

Hailey grimaced at the awkwardness of their conversation. “No problem.” She needed to get out of there. She raised her hand, “Can I use the restroom?” Her teacher nodded and she jumped up and grabbed the hall pass before high tailing it out of the room.

She let out a breath as she entered the bathroom, taking in her disheveled appearance. She hated how riled up Severide made her, but everytime she looked in the mirror she pictured the bruises that once covered her neck.

A toilet flushed behind her and she quickly got herself together. She gleaned in the mirror to see Nadia exit the stall, they made eye contact and quickly looked away. Hailey’s second uncomfortable interaction of the day. “Hailey right?” Nadia asked.

“Yeah.” Hailey said, she patted her legs nervously and gave her a small smile. “We haven’t officially met.”

Nadia gave her a cautious smile, “No we haven’t, but I don’t doubt you know everything there is to know about me.” Her tone turned darker at the end, her facade giving out.

“I’m not one to judge.” Hailey said, hoping to give her some solace.

“I’m not either.” Nadia turned towards the door, “Be careful with Jay, he’s not all he’s cracked up to be.”

“We’re just-” The door slammed shut, leaving Hailey alone to her thoughts, “Friends…” Not that she would be opposed to something more, but she wasn’t sure that was a secret. She ignored Nadia’s jab at Jay, if Hailey was her she would have said the exact same thing. Nadia didn’t know that Jay only ruined her because his mom’s life was at risk.

She grabbed the hall pass off the sink and made her way back to class, against her will. She was ready for the day to be over and she was barely halfway through.

…

After school, Hailey stood at her locker waiting for Jay, something else that had become normal. She was scrolling through instagram, not paying attention to anything going on around her. She was trying to keep her mind off the amount of AP Chem homework she had,but the tactic was proving to be unsuccessful.

“Hey,” a voice said, pulling her out of her trance. She looked up to find Kelly Severide standing over her, and she practically jumped out of her skin. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Hailey laughed nervously, removing herself from between him and the locker. “You’re good, what’s up?”

“Uh, nothing really I was just wondering if maybe you would want to go to homecoming with me?” He asked and Hailey stared at him blankly.

She figured she was going to be asked, but not like that and certainly not by him. She stood there in silence, trying to figure out what to say. She was 100% sure that she had watched this movie and the probability of her ending up dead at the end of it was high. Who else could say that the guy who choked them in the middle of their living room at one in the morning was also their homecoming date? Not many, probably because everyone who could check yes for that box was either murdered or missing.

She was about to respond when she felt a presence behind her. “Sorry man, she can’t go with you.”

Hailey sighed, Jay.

Severide gave Jay a bored look, sighing. “Why’s that?” Hailey looked up at him as if to ask: Yeah Jay, why not?

Jay smirked, glancing down at Hailey and the to Severide, “Because she’s going with me.”

...

@lissethsrojas @fuckyeahkillianemma @puckluck28 @chilly7188 @thebigapocalypsewolf @karihighman @upsteadheart @ruzek-halstead

#jay halstead #hailey upton #upstead #upstead au #kim burgess #adam ruzek #burzek #burzek au #kelly severide #chicago pd #chicago pd au #one chicago #chicago fire #high school au

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kommakina · 3 years

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decided to try and get my life together on a whim now that i feel comfortable with my mental health. recovery doesn’t happen in an instant for most people, but i was lucky enough to be able to spot the problem of my distress and fix it, so ive been feeling good! i feel more at peace in my body, and my mind just a bit more calmed.

ive taken up reading more philosophy/ideology style books, and they have sincerely helped me a lot. they’ve helped me see other perspectives i may not have thought of, and i didn’t even realize i was putting them into my own life until other people started to comment on it. someone had told me recently that i “have a way with words” and am very kind. i was very flattered, obviously. it takes a lot sometimes for people to give a genuine compliment about character like that, and while i sincerely appreciated it and still do, i don’t deserve that kind of praise.

im an emotionally educated individual. i will toot my own horn on that if anything. over time, between learning my own self worth, i realized that that doesn’t just apply to me. i deserve happiness, she deserves happiness, they deserve happiness, you deserve happiness. we all deserve to be happy. in recognizing that in myself i learned to recognize it in others. your own mental health comes before anyone else’s. your physical health is your top priority. you aren’t responsible for other people’s happiness, nor other peoples health. no, that doesn’t mean going out and yelling at people or curb stomping them, but it means that you choose what makes you happy. if someone doesn’t like that, thats not your problem. if you dont like what someone else is doing, they’re not your responsibility. vocalizing what a person deserves as a person doesn’t make me an adherently better person, or a nicer person. vocalizing what someone else may not have realized yet doesn’t make me a genius, or a poet. it just means that someone else learned the same way i did at a later point in time.

but; getting my life together. im trying to get into studying, but i have no idea how to, really. my core subjects are AP World History, Honors English II, Honors Chemistry, and Honors Algebra II if anyone has any study tips over those subjects or similar subjects. please let me know if you do! that would be greatly appreciated! or if you’d rather just chat, thats cool too! i would love to get to know new people! have a wonderful day! {082521}

#rant #getting better #getting shit done #recovery #moots #please #mutuals #study tips #study motivation #studyblr #chamomile #yes it’s chamomile #<3

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argylemnwrites · 4 years

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Live And Die This Way

Pairing: Colt Kaneko x MC (Ellie Whitnall)

Book: Ride or Die (post book 1)

Word Count: ~5900

Rating: R (language, brief 30 diamond content - N*FW, referenced violence)

Summary: How do you create the life you crave? And what is the cost?

Author’s Note: Written for @rodappreciationweek Day 4 - MC. This is a direct companion piece to my Colt entry “He Knew” and will reference many of same events covered there, but it does stand on it’s own. This piece was envisioned first, with my Colt piece kind of springing forth from the future I saw for those two while crafting this fic. In addition to the content mentioned in the rating, content warning for infidelity.

Ellie didn’t know how to feel about college. Not so much about her coursework - that always made perfect sense after years of AP and honors classes. More about her “college experience” or whatever cliche phrase described how it was to just live as a freshman in Turren Hall on the west side of Langston’s quad.

She liked her independence. She could eat what she wanted, go where she wanted, do what she wanted. If the end of her senior year had been more traditional, she probably would have been buzzing from all of her freedoms. She had her first taste of alcohol. She made out with a cute boy at a house party. She ate ice cream for dinner and ordered pizza with Rebecca, her roommate, at midnight. She was enjoying herself.

But her new friends acted like these little things were the pinnacle of independence, and it was hard for her to relate to that. Not when she’d experienced the thrill of pushing the speedometer up over 100 MPH, felt the power of an engine revving at 5000 RPM, and jumped from moving vehicle to moving vehicle at highway speeds.

She liked her new friends and classmates well enough, but she never talked to them about who she’d been in Gramercy Park. She didn’t bring up the MPC and her brief time with them. She certainly never mentioned Colt.

It’s not that she disliked college, she just was struggling to put it all together, the person she was in New Hampshire with the person she’d become in LA. On the weekends, she found herself just going on drives, trying to reclaim that thrill, that rush. She found a county highway about 20 miles from campus where she could floor it and feel the speed settling deep into her bones. She always went on these trips alone, even as she started seeing Chris more and more often. He wouldn’t get it.

Chris wanted to officially be her boyfriend. She’d sensed it for months, but he finally asked her one Saturday in April. His roommate had gone home for the weekend, so Ellie had spent the night in his room. She liked Chris well enough. He was a chemical engineering major, he was cute, and with his short, curly, blond hair, he looked nothing like either of the guys that had turned her life upside down one year earlier.

The trouble was any connection between them was superficial. On paper, they seemed so similar - both of them had been valedictorian, science and math nerds, only children raised in protective Catholic households. But he only saw “Langston Ellie,” he only liked that part of her. He didn’t have this drive for something more - more thrilling, more adventurous, more stimulating. So she kept things between them casual, and when summer break rolled around and she made her way back to LA, she didn’t feel any guilt about trying to track down Colt.

He must have gotten a new phone with a new number as part of his plan to “lay low” and evade arrest, and Kaneko Auto Shop was still a boarded up shell, scorch marks visible along the walls. But she eventually found him, less than 36 hours before she was leaving, of course. It was almost fitting, seeing him at the sideshow, the place where she’d first met him. She wasn’t sure if he saw her, but she spotted him right away, standing off in the shadows, talking with a couple of men, wearing that same leather jacket.

At some point, he must have noticed her, because he couldn’t just let her dance with Darius and Riya. Instead, he’d wrapped his arm around her waist, and it was like stepping into a time machine, as if no time had passed, as if they’d seen each other last week, not last year. Riding back to his new place and falling into bed with him was the first time she’d felt truly awake in ages.

Any illusion that sex with Colt just seemed better than sex with Chris because he’d been her first and she hadn’t had a point of comparison went straight out the window. It wasn’t that sex with Chris was bad, but with Colt… it was raw and primal and intense, and those were not ever words that could be used to describe Chris. Chris in bed seemed scared he would hurt her, so he just tried to coax her to the peak of pleasure. Colt wanted to stake claim, to possess her, to drive her higher and higher. He knew how strong she really was, and it made her heart soar.

She knew she was heading back to New Hampshire, and that tonight with Colt would be just that - one night. It’s why she didn’t ask him about the Brotherhood. Hearing about his inevitable ventures into bloody vengeance would just lead to a fight, and there was little point in ruining this little moment in time with that. This was a reprieve, not a promise, and that meant some things were better left unsaid.

So the sun came up and Colt drove Ellie back to her father’s home, but not before adding his new number to her phone. She packed up her suitcase and tanked up the Shokai Fourier and made the drive across the country, back to Langston and a world of academics and being a “good girl.” But now she had another outlet. Anytime she craved that thrill, she would text him. Sometimes it was a bratty little insult. Sometimes it was a barely clothed selfie. But he always responded. And as she started sophomore year, it felt like she might be figuring out a way to merge the two sides of her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Texting Colt became a new form of an adrenaline rush when she somehow stumbled into a relationship with Chris. She knew it was wrong, that Chris didn’t deserve the way she was treating him. Being kind of dull was not failing. But the problem was that “Langston Ellie” didn’t have a reason not to date him. So over Valentine’s dinner, he became her boyfriend.

It was a balance, that thrill that came from sneaking out for a drive or shooting Colt a dirty little text versus the pit of guilt that sat in her stomach. She tried to justify it to herself when the guilt got to be too much, telling herself that nothing physical had happened with Colt while she and Chris were together, but that was a flimsy excuse.

The issue was that she felt like herself, vibrant and happy, and the more she pushed the boundaries on what was acceptable in her personal life, the more she excelled elsewhere. She was setting the curve in almost all her classes. Her research was going well enough to get approved for the Summer Scholars Program, which came with a generous stipend. It’s like she had to be doing something “wrong” to feel complete, and since stealing cars wasn’t an option at the moment, this is what she settled for. She wasn’t sure what that said about her as a person.

But she kept living her double life for months and months until one day in October, things all came to a head. She got a call from a number with a 310 area code, but she didn’t recognize it, so she let it go to voicemail. When she finally got a chance to listen to it an hour later, after her meeting with Dr. Frisch, it felt like the world might just swallow her whole. Her father was too young, too healthy to have a heart attack, to need bypass surgery, to be in the ICU.

It had taken her 15 hours to email her advisor, request a leave of absence, and receive approval, email Dr. Frisch to withdraw from his research group, and to pack up her room in the off-campus apartment she and Rebecca were renting and load up the Shokai Fourier. She spent far too much of that time breaking up with Chris.

It hadn’t even occurred to her to let him know about Dad until he’d texted her after dinner time, asking if she was still on for an ice cream run to Gilly’s. What followed was him coming over, with hours of talking, of him trying to calm her, tell her everything was going to be fine. She’d gotten frustrated, asked him how he could possibly know her dad was going to be okay. It was messy and awful, their first and last fight, all culminating with her kicking him out and sending him back to his apartment when he dared to suggest she was too emotional to be making these decisions in the moment.

The drive to LA was a long one, filled with tears and regrets. It felt like her fault. She’d put him through hell senior year, only to leave him all alone to flit off to college, where she had just coasted by, chasing down the high of adrenaline in destructive ways. Instead of stopping at a motel to rest, she drove the 3000 miles basically straight through, resting for a few hours in a parking lot in Iowa, but otherwise relying on Red Bull and coffee to get her through the drive. She’d gone to drop off her stuff at her father’s place, but when she arrived, she couldn’t bring herself to unlock the door. Even though the latest update from Dr. Ginde had been that her father was improving, she couldn’t bear to go inside, to see memories of him and her mother plastered everywhere, all by herself.

So she’d driven over to Gramercy Park. The shop was open now. She knew that was the plan, but it was still nice to see it with her own two eyes. She locked her car and went inside, taking in the bustle and the activity, cars hoisted on jacks, an air compressor hissing in the background. If she had recognized any of the people working in the shop, she almost could have believed that no time had passed.

Some guy with dreads went to go find Colt for her as she stood there, feeling both out of place and at home at the same time. Finally, he emerged, grease streaks on his t-shirt and jeans, his hair just a little shorter than she remembered. He took her into his office and listened as she told him what happened. No questions, no platitudes, no infantilization. Just understanding and comfort, and when she told him she didn’t know how to go home alone, he’d just told her to follow him back to his place.

Staying with Colt was like falling back into a former life. She hung around the garage, reconnected with Ximena, and went out racing and to sideshows. She visited her dad every day in the hospital and then in the rehab facility, taking notes on all his doctor’s instructions and researching new, heart-healthy recipes for them to eat as she got him settled back in at home. And even though she and Colt never talked about it, suddenly they were together, with her toiletries tucked into his medicine cabinet, a second towel hung in the bathroom, and her favorite yogurt stocked in the fridge. It all felt comfortable, and she felt at peace with her life for the first time in a long time. She could get that adrenaline rush she craved so badly as she drag raced through the streets, getting to know Colt’s new crew, and she wasn’t hurting anyone to do so. She felt happy, so as October bled into November, she emailed her advisor, preparing to extend her leave of absence.

She never thought Colt would object to her plans to stick around, but he was cruel and livid when she told him she wasn’t heading back. At first, her anger flared, righteous and indignant. How dare he try to tell her what to do. She’d thrown her clothes that were scattered around his place back into her duffel bag and headed straight to her father’s home. He didn’t comment when she tossed her bag into her old bedroom, just pulled out the Parcheesi board and sat down at his usual spot at the kitchen table.

The next morning, she awoke to the smell of bacon sizzling, so she made her way into the kitchen.

“Dad, you can’t have bacon anymore. It’s not on your ‘safe foods’ list.”

“I figured whatever sent you here yesterday might warrant an ‘Ellie special,’” he said with a shrug. “Besides, it’s turkey bacon.”

She bit her lip as she sat down at the table, wondering if she should risk stressing him out by bringing it up, but he crossed the bridge first as he set her plate in front of her.

“I suppose you were staying with that boy with the yellow GT?”

She shook her head. “No, the boy with the motorcycle.”

Dad just let out a sigh and gave his head a little shake. “They’re all still wanted criminals, Ellie. The statute of limitations hasn’t run out. But I suppose you already know that.”

“Dad…”

“Look, I know you’re an adult, and you can make your own choices. But I hope you know what you’re doing here. If you get caught up with him in something again… I won’t be able to spin it that you were just a kid who got roped into the whole thing by a dirty cop who convinced you that you could be an informant and help him.”

“I know what I’m doing, Dad. I’m not stupid.”

“I know you aren’t. That’s what scares me the most. Oh well, you’ll be back at Langston soon enough, I suppose.”

It was Ellie’s turn to sigh as she filled him in on how her plan had been to stay, to work in LA and to help him recover, at least for one more semester. When she finished, Dad just stared at her for a few seconds, eyes narrowed, before he spoke.

“So, let me see if I have this right. This… Colt told you to go back and finish your degree?” As she nodded, he just shook his head. “Never thought I would be on the same side as a little punk.”

She shoved her chair back from the table, abandoning her breakfast. “Dad, it doesn’t matter whose side you’re on, because it doesn’t matter what you think or what he thinks. This is my choice.”

But as the days ticked by, and her dad seemed stronger and stronger, she had to wonder if she was doing the right thing. She’d gotten upset because it felt like Colt was trying to decide what was best for her, but as she thought back on their fight with a clearer head, that wasn’t really a fair assessment. He wasn’t trying to control her; he was trying to push her. At the end of the day, he liked her strong and sharp, ready for the next challenge. And while being back in LA felt good and right in so many ways, just hanging around after her father’s medical emergency wasn’t the way to go about it. She wanted to come back here, but she needed to do so the right way, as an active choice, not a passive situation that just happened.

So she went back to school and worked her ass off, taking summer classes to make up for the shitty schedule with not enough engineering credits she had to settle for after she registered late for classes. She was a semester behind now, but that was manageable. She lost her research position, but that was okay. She didn’t need to build her resume anymore. She had a job lined up already.

When she signed papers granting her 50% ownership of Kaneko Auto Shop, everyone in her life thought she was crazy. Rebecca had pestered her for months with info about engineering firms that were hiring and master’s programs. Riya had told off Darius for telling her she was being foolish, but as soon as he left to go get them takeout, she’d told her she must be out of her mind to legally tie herself to that Kaneko boy in any way. Her father just shook his head and went into his bedroom, closing the door with a thud. But Ellie didn’t care. It was the first time she’d felt fully alive in almost five years.

It was invigorating, to finally be living a life that was 100% her choosing. She wasn’t held back by her father’s restrictions, her peers’ perceptions, her own perfectionistic expectations of herself. She was just… Ellie. She wasn’t bound by anything or anyone. All her fears, concerns, and worries were nothing in the face of all the possibilities ahead of her. Ahead of them.

Colt had always seen her. It was why she’d been drawn to him in the first place. He didn’t treat her like a child that needed protecting. He respected her agency, her autonomy, her abilities. He respected her opinions and suggestions, and slowly but surely, they were able to expand and grow the shop and their territory. Not too fast, as that would attract the attention of both rivals and law enforcement, but steady enough that people had to take them both seriously. He wasn’t just coasting on his father’s reputation, and she wasn’t some sheltered little girl who had slept her way into this world. They proved themselves, and they were thriving. And finally, Ellie felt like she was living the life she was supposed to be. She felt like herself, fully realized and alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s not that she and Colt lived in some bubble of pure domestic and professional bliss. They disagreed about how aggressive to be when rival crews inched in on their turf, about whether a drop would be worth the payout, about whether or not the new mechanic was trustworthy enough to drive on their next big job. And when they disagreed, they disagreed. It was never violent, but it was loud and passionate. They pushed each other time and time again. It was just how they worked things out, and they always were able to come to an understanding in the end.

Ellie never questioned their arrangement until she was pregnant. In their four years as equal partners, both personally and professionally, she’d never had any qualms about the life they were living. It was exciting and thrilling, but their risks were always calculated, or so it had seemed. They were smart about things. It’s why their territory had nearly doubled in size over those four years with only one misdemeanor arrest for petty theft for their entire crew over that time.

But when she heard that heartbeat over the sonogram, Ellie knew that she had to change the way she thought about risk and reward, because risks that were acceptable to take when it was just her and Colt, conquering south LA one block at a time, where not okay when there was going to be a child at home depending on them. Colt, on the other hand, seemed to take the opposite approach. He was hungrier and more ambitious than ever. He wanted to move more volume, expand to new neighborhoods, to grow bigger more quickly than ever.

“This will be our legacy. All of this, rebuilt and passed on to our kid,” he told her over and over again. And any of her pleas to slow things down, to take a step back, were met with annoyance and frustration. “If we slow down, we won’t be able to keep what we have now. Others will take notice and swoop in. It’ll be a moment of weakness.”

He worked nearly around the clock, always trying to strike a better deal, to find a better score. Part of her had even worried that he would have left her at the hospital with just her father if he got word of a deal on hot merchandise while she was in labor. But when the contractions came, he was at her side the entire time. He was antsy and impatient, sure, but most of that was probably due to having to spend 26 hours straight in a confined space with Dad. Over the years, that relationship had never evolved beyond frosty tolerance.

When Margot Graciela Kaneko came into the world, 6 lbs 4 oz and screaming like a banshee, Ellie swore she saw Colt wipe a tear away. She hadn’t seen him cry since that awful night in May nine years ago, when he’d had to watch his father sacrifice himself. When she forgot all about how horrible it was that Colt had kidnapped and planned murders because he’d looked so broken and human, not at all like a ruthless kingpin wannabe who had no moral code. With all their shared daddy issues, it had felt cruel to bring up her concerns about his moral compass when his world had just shattered to pieces.

For his part, Dad cried openly when she told him his granddaughter’s name, forgiving the use of Kaneko as her surname when he realized she shared her middle name with the abuela she would never get to meet. For a moment, they felt like a normal family. Not a detective father who had to turn a blind eye as his daughter and her boyfriend ran one of the ten largest auto theft crews in LA. Just three adults who loved a little baby girl more than anything.

Colt was always a loving father. He adored Margot, and she wanted for nothing. Toys and clothes and books littered her nursery in their new two bedroom house, a home security system installed with door and window alarms, motion sensors, and security cameras. He took pride in every developmental milestone she reached and bragged about her constantly. The office at the shop was covered with her drawings, and when she started 4K, her first attempts at writing letters and numbers joined her colorings and paintings.

He just didn’t seem to have any desire to strike a work-life balance. It didn’t exactly surprise Ellie. They had both thrown themselves into that shop for years, their only goal and purpose. For both of them, work had been their life. But now, she felt like they needed to handle things a little differently. More cautious, less aggressive in their growth schemes. It was a point of disagreement between them regularly.

“I don’t understand what your problem is, Ellie. I’m building this for us. For her. Since when are you fucking timid about growing the shop?”

“It would be nice if you could eat dinner at home with us more than a couple of times a month.”

“Just bring her for dinner with the crew.”

Round and round, over and over. Her asking him to take a step back and spend more time with Margot while he dove deeper and deeper into his work, acting like bringing Margot into that world as a preschooler was a solution. At times it felt like her own personal Groundhog’s Day, her living the same day with the same damn fight time and time again.

She’d been venting to Mona one afternoon in a coffee shop as she waited for a contact to bring them info about a new shipment that should be passing through over the weekend. It was a little risky, combining her work with a meeting with Mona now that she worked as a consultant on grand larceny cases for the LAPD. Initially it had been a condition of her parole, but it ended up suiting Mona just fine. She was a free-lancer at this point, so she only took the cases that she wanted, and she was well paid for it. Not as well-paid as Colt and Ellie, but without the overhead and without the risk.

“He just is so single-minded, and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me.”

Mona laughed at that. “He’s Kaneko’s kid, Ellie. I don’t know what else you were expecting when you picked him over Logan.”

It was strange to think about it like that. She knew that Logan and Colt had both wanted her back then. And for a while, she and Logan were happy. But while Logan had tried to shield her from his world, Colt had encouraged her to immerse herself further. He saw potential in her, and it had been so liberating, being seen as a woman, not a child. And once it came out that Logan had only pursued her at Kaneko’s instruction, she’d just been done. She felt like a pawn and a fool, hurt and violated, so she’d turned to the only person she could count on to be blunt and direct, to respect enough at least for that.

“Have you heard from Logan at all?”

Mona shook her head. “I think he made it to Detroit, but that was years ago.”

“I hope he’s doing okay,” Ellie said as she took a sip of her coffee. Mona just raised an eyebrow, but didn’t push that topic any further. She was right. The traits that drew her to Colt in the first place were wrapped tightly with the ones that frustrated her now, all of which were proof that he was very much his father’s son.

“So other than Colt being an ass, how’s life?” Mona asked, drawing Ellie out of her nostalgic musings. She pulled out her phone and showed her a video of Margot cruising around on her new balance bike. For better or worse, this was the life she had chosen, and for all its frustrations, she knew she still had plenty to appreciate. She wouldn’t have wanted a different life, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Margot was heavy in her arms as she rang the doorbell, praying that he wasn’t working tonight. He really wasn’t supposed to be working nights at all anymore - his cardiologist’s recommendation as part of numerous lifestyle changes - but Ellie knew he would still pick up an overnight now and then. She’d never really felt like she was in a position to question his judgement given her own career choices.

She rang the bell three times before she saw a light flip on the hallway. She let out a sigh of relief. She hadn’t wanted to have to pick the lock. A few seconds later, the door cracked open. Her father looked disoriented, his hair sticking out in numerous directions, wearing blue plaid pajama pants and an old Honor Roll Parent t-shirt.

“Ellie? What’s going-” he started, but dropped his voice to a whisper when he noticed Margot passed out against her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Ellie nodded. “We just need a place to stay.”

He opened his mouth, clearly wanting to say more, but after a second, he just nodded and stepped aside, letting them pass through the door. He followed a few steps behind. Ellie could feel him staring at her as she carried her daughter into her old bedroom, tucking her in on the far side of the bed.

“I need to go grab our stuff from my car. Can you stay with her? She’s going to be confused if she wakes up and isn’t in her bed.”

Dad just nodded again, sitting down on the edge of the bed and running his hand soothingly over the back of his granddaughter’s head. When Ellie returned with the duffel bag and tote bags she managed to fill, all she knew she could carry at the same time as Margot, she dropped them on the floor. Anytime she had come to stay before, she’d only brought a couple days worth of clothes, so she knew the amount of luggage she’d brought was going to attract attention. He was a detective, after all.

“How long are you staying?”

All she could do was shake her head, willing herself not to cry. She felt lost and heartbroken, but more than that, she felt stupid. Stupid for ignoring everyone’s warnings about Colt, for thinking that she could have the thrills and excitement of that life without causing serious harm, for having a child with a man who could order the murder of someone without batting an eyelash.

Dad stood up and crossed over to her, wrapping his arms around her, and she couldn’t hold back anymore. She started sobbing into his chest, feeling like a child all over again. But the pain kept pouring out of her, and her father just took it all, even after everything she’d put him through over the past 13 years. And when the tears finally slowed, she let him guide her to her old bed and tuck her in right next to her daughter.

The next week was filled with rounds of Candyland and Guess Who, drives out for ice cream and donuts, and trips to the park with Abuelo. All things that Margot loved, things that would hopefully keep her happy and from asking questions that Ellie wasn’t ready to answer. How do you tell your four year old that her Daddy, the man she thought was the best on the planet, had decided to make some phone calls to end a man’s life, so they couldn’t live with him anymore? Ellie just wanted to put off that conversation for as long as possible.

But Margot was bright and curious, and all the distraction in the world wasn’t enough to make her forget her home and her father. Ellie stumbled through it the best she could, telling her that Daddy had done something very naughty that he thought was the right choice, but that was actually something really bad.

“Is Daddy in a timeout?” she asked as Ellie tucked her in, her brown eyes wide with wonder.

“Kind of, sweetie.”

“How long do Daddy’s timeouts last?”

“A long time, Margot. A very long time.”

She nodded, like it all made sense to her now. Ellie knew she couldn’t keep her from Colt forever, but until she felt like she had her feet under her again, this was probably the best approach she could hope for. She dropped a kiss to her daughter’s forehead and flipped off the lights, gently closing the door and making her way into the kitchen.

The Mancala board was set up this time. While the days were filled with fun activities for Margot, the nights had been a series of board games, just her and Dad. Just like the old days. He hadn’t asked her many questions. Ellie suspected he was so glad she had left Colt, that he didn’t want to push his luck and say the wrong thing that might send her running back to him. But tonight she was going to have to broach the subject.

“Dad, can you watch Margot tomorrow night?” she asked as she dropped her stones down, one by one, working her way around the board.

“Why? Where are you going?”

“Probably to the shop or our house. I’m going to have to talk to him at some point.”

“He’s… been riding by on that... bike of his,” Dad ground out, glancing up across the table, his eyes flitting nervously. Like she hadn’t known that was the case. She knew exactly what his bike sounded like. Besides, she knew it would be his next step. She had dozens of voicemails and unread texts from him.

“I know.”

“Do you… what I mean is… what do you want me… are you… Ellie-”

“We’re done, Dad. I don’t want to see him.” She interrupted his ramblings, and glanced up from the Mancala board at him. His shoulders visibly relaxed at her words. “But we have a kid together. I can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist.”

He let out a little hum as he contemplated his next move. “Ellie, what happened?”

She shook her head. No way he wouldn’t feel obligated to turn Colt in if he heard that he’d ordered Shaw’s shanking. “I really can’t tell you.”

“If he did something that-”

“-I still own 50% of the shop, Dad. Plus, he’s Margot’s father. This is going to be hard enough on her without him behind bars.”

She could practically feel her father’s stare, attempting to bore a hole in the top of her head as she kept her eyes on the board. She knew he wanted to know more, wanted to say more. Finally, he said, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but if you’re looking at a custody battle, him behind bars would be very helpful.”

She turned her head up and frowned. “I’m not going to throw him to the wolves. It won’t make things better, trust me.”

“Honey, you say that now, but when custody battles get going-”

“He’s not gonna fight me for custody,” Ellie interrupted. “Not as long as I let him see her every now and then.”

“How can you know that?”

“I’m gonna let him buy me out of the shop well below market value. That’s always been his priority, anyway.” She’d been mulling it over in her mind, and it seemed like her best move. They both got what they wanted. As long as she promised not to do what his mother had done, to take his kid and move as far away as possible, he would probably agree. He got his father’s legacy and a relationship with his daughter. She got the chance to shield her daughter from the harshest realities of the world where she was born. It was win-win.

She knew she was screwed professionally at this point. She’d spent the nine years since college in a job that would do little for her resume. It was a small price to pay for her daughter’s safety and well-being, though.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to get enough to get a little apartment for us, at least until I figure out what I can do for work-” she started explaining, but Dad reached across the table and grabbed her hand, cutting her off.

“You’ll both stay here as long as you need.”

“Dad, you’ve already dealt with so much of this drama. I’m not going to ask you to house us indefinitely.”

He shook his head, still holding tight to her hand. “I know you could do it on your own if you had to, Ellie. You are bright and resourceful and so determined when you need to be. But I’m your dad, and this something I can do to help you out and keep you safe.”

Tears welled in her eyes at his words. His desire to protect her from a harsh world was still there all those years later. And while it had been the bane of her existence as a teenager who thought she could handle everything that life would throw her way, his attitude felt different now that she had Margot sleeping in her childhood bed, a direct result of her own attempt to protect her child.

“Thank you, Dad,” she choked out, forcing a smile as a couple of tears spilled over onto her cheeks.

“Of course, Honey. You’re both my girls, always.”

He was right, more right than he could know. Because if Colt was cut from the same cloth as his father, well, so was she, at least where it counted. She would protect her daughter and as a family, they would get through the bad times. She hadn’t always made the right choices, but she had her daughter and she had her father. And for the time being, that would have to be enough.

Permatag: @choicesficwriterscreations @walkerswhiskeygirl @riley--walker @bebepac @ravenpuff02 @oofchoices @octobereighth @drakewalker04 @kimmiedoo5 @mfackenthal @thequeenofcronuts

ROD: @mskaneko @burnsoslow

#rodaw #colt kaneko #colt x mc #rod fanfic #choices fanfiction #n*fw #cw: infidelity

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rons-hermiones · 3 years

Text

Come Find Me

by rons-hermiones

Summary: Unplanned, Hermione is forced to spend Christmas at the Burrow due to her grandmother falling very ill. After being ignored by Hermione for weeks, Ron is determined to show her how much she means to him. Just before he gets the chance to tell her, Bellatrix Lestrange shows up with other plans for Hermione. Can Ron get to her before it's too late? (Ron/Hermione Half-Blood Prince AU)

Rating: M for language & dark themes in later chapters.

Chapter Thirty Eight

Pain.

That’s all Hermione feels.

No words she’s ever read in books, no expression, no description could even begin to cover the insufferable, burning, all consuming sensation.

At this point she isn’t even sure if it’s from whatever Bellatrix was dealing out day after day along with the rest of them. Or maybe this pain, the terrible, indescribable kind, was emotional.

Almost like everything she’s endured clawing at the heels of her ankles, slowly creeping its way into the forefront of her mind.

Her parents- oh god…

The thought of them alone makes her burn, makes her ache. The only other time she’s ever felt that kind of sensation was whenever Greyback would claw his way up her body. His dirty nails burying themselves in the pits of her stomach while he did unimaginable things.

Maybe that was the word: unimaginable.

The pain she was feeling was unimaginable. Unfathomable to even a mind as brilliant as hers, one that could best Albus Dumbledore himself.

But the pain won’t go away.

No matter how many times she closes her eyes or tries to take her mind elsewhere, it’s still there.

She doesn’t have to imagine something so clear, so fresh.

She almost wishes the tingling itching at her body would just consume her whole. She knows it's the cruciatus doing its worst and maybe it would be easier if it did.

Maybe it would be easier if her mind was as empty as the Longbottom’s. If she could live in a world where her parents were okay, where her purity was intact, where whenever she closed her eye’s she didn’t see unruly brown curls, noseless demons, and hungry werewolves.

The only action she could possibly place with releasing some of it, is screaming.

She wants nothing more than to let out a gut wrenching, throat scratching, ear piercing scream.

Maybe then they’d understand a fraction of her pain.

Maybe then, she’d feel a bit lighter. Unlike how she feels now, almost like she swallowed dozens of anvils.

Hermione knows deep down things were meant to be this way. Well- not meant to- no, not all. She just means, that this was part of the ongoing torture.

All her life she said what she thought.

That very notion got her into the predicament in muggle elementary and for a brief time, made her friendless at Hogwarts. However, she soon realized voicing her knowledge was one of her greatest gifts.

Telling Harry a solution to his newest problem, one that could very well save the wizarding world. Telling her professors the correct answer. Telling her friends the correct answers to homework. Telling Ron that since she’s so brilliant, she knows he is too.

And it's more than that.

Before she could tell someone thank you, she could tell her parents she loved them.

Now she can’t do any of that.

She can’t thank the nice healers taking care of her. She can’t tell Harry she missed him. She can’t tell Mrs. Weasley that she needs a mothers love right now. She can’t tell The Order about what happened and about how Narcissa Malfoy was her savior in that wretched place. She can’t even tell Ron everything she’s been holding onto for so long.

She can’t tell anyone anything.

She’s realizing now, she’s having a hard time even telling herself anything.

So instead she listens, because from her experience that was one of the only things that kept her alive.

‘Listen here Muddy…’

‘Listen to the Dark Lord filth!’

‘Listen to Bellatrix and stop fighting me! We always know I get what I want.’

‘Listen to me Hermione, I’m going to get you out of here.’

‘Listen to me love, you’re going to be okay.’

She’s broken from her thoughts when her ears are able to catch something familiar.

The creaking of a door.

Unconsciously she mumbles Cissy’s name, like a reflex she can’t help.

Next, she swears she hears the whispers of familiar voices.

“-the door.” Someone who sounds like Arthur Weasley says quietly.

Then Hermione can’t shake the feeling that eyes are burning into her and she just needs to make sure one of those penetrating gazes isn’t someone who stands with the Dark Lord.

Mustering the little strength she has left, she lets her lids flutter open.

And before she can take in anything else her eyes hone in on the slim piece of wood between someone’s fingernails.

The unmistakable sight of the very wand that got her out of there.

The very one that belongs to, “Cissy.” She barely grumbles before she can realize it.

“Put it away Tonks.” She hears Ron bark at the auror, making Hermione flinch at the sudden noise, one that brings her back to memories of screams directed at her, curses, demands-

“Ronnie.” Mr. Weasley scolds, sensing her discomfort.

The man's voice breaks her unwanted interruption as she vigorously shakes her head.

She wants- no needs the wand. It’s a reminder that she’s gone, that she got out. It gives her purpose too.

The incessant need to return it to its rightful owner and to thank her for all she’s done.

Shakily, Hermione holds out a hand, fighting the terrible pain in order to grab the wand from Tonks.

The purple haired woman looks confused on what to do. Ron is about to snatch it away when Arthur stops him, letting Hermione grab it.

“Dad-” Ron’s voice fades.

Hermione can’t focus on that. Just the cool sensation of the sleek wood in her palm.

She imagines another version of herself, a stronger version, that twirled the wand and got her to safety.

God where was that girl now?

“Ap…” The word died in her throat.

Her brown eyes fell on Ron’s silently pleading for him to understand.

He senses the urgency and pushes past the other two to cover her hand with his own. Aiding her in holding the wand.

“What is it Mione?” He whispers tenderly.

So tenderly it almost makes her melt, Almost makes her forget all the bad.

Almost.

“App-” It dies again, the word almost painful on her tongue.

And she isn’t one for foul language, but fuck Bellatrix Lestrange. If only Ron could hear her now.

Looking into his concerned- but dare she say, loving eyes, she wants to do this for him.

Slowly and painfully she pries his hand off and begins to mimic a twirling motion, ignoring the daggers the action sends through her wrist.

“Ap…” She tries to no avail.

And like Hermione just told Ron he’s won all the gold in Gringotts, his eyes light up as he beams at her.

“You apparated out of there?” He asks hopefully.

Almost excitedly, the most excited Hermione’s felt in a long time, she nods.

At this, Ron let’s out a boisterous laugh as nothing but pride consumes his features.

Gently, he pulls her into a hug, mindful of her injuries.

“Brilliant. You’re so brilliant darling.” He whispers so only she can hear.

All she can do in response is try and squeeze him tighter.

This feeling is one that used to be nothing but a dream.

However, the feeling is soon cut short when her decent arm presses a little too hard against his back, making her feel like tiny daggers were being poked into it.

Then like a tidal wave, memories came rushing back to her.

The very pain from when Bellatrix carved her was happening again, all over again.

With a sharp cry she fought the pain in her other hand and clunked the heavy cast over her forearm and frantically began rubbing at it.

She wanted it gone.

All of it.

The words. The feeling. The memory.

She didn’t want to ever have to look or think about it again. She didn’t want Ron to see it either.

The last thing she needed was a reminder to herself and everyone else of exactly what she is.

A mudblood.

‘That ought to teach you your place, now you shall never forget! Wait till the Dark Lord sees you!’ Bellatrix had praised her handywork, even going far enough to brand the wound with a proud kiss.

God her stomach was flipping at the very thought.

Hermione would’ve been sick had she eaten something. Instead, her attempts turned to painful heaves as she began scratching at her arm with the plaster thing, ignoring the pain, uncomfortable sensation, and red blood staining her cast.

And while Hermione was ignoring these things, Ron couldn’t.

“What is she- What’s going on?” Tonks had said to Arthur from behind.

“We must get the healer.” The old man said, as calm as he could manage before they split up to find Jamison. Arthur didn’t need to tell Ron to take care of Hermione in the meantime, without a doubt his son would.

“Mione, hey, hey.” He tried calling to her softly at first, worried if she was in a state that physical contact may set her off to thinking he was someone he wasn’t.

However, when his pleas didn’t work and Tonks nor his father turned up with help, he knew he had to do something.

Then, he saw tiny streaks of red along Hermione’s arm.

Yeah, fuck waiting.

He’d done enough of that.

Lightly, but with enough force to stop it, he grabbed at the large cast wrapped around her arm. Setting it back into the sling before she could protest.

After the limb was settled comfortably back into its support, she seemed to break her daze.

Quickly Hermione tugged at the scratchy hospital sheets and buried her arm under them, so embarrassed and ashamed.

“What are you doing, love?” He asked steadily, not wanting to let his own fear scare her anymore than she already seemed to be.

In response all the brunette did was shake her head frantically.

Ron leaned forward to inspect, causing Hermione to shift uncomfortably to semi block his path. And sure, he could have easily still torn away the sheets, but he wanted to respect her and not take advantage of her weak state.

“What are you hiding? Please don’t hide from me.” He begged, finally catching her eyes as she stopped shaking her head.

Behind the pools of brown Ron could sense the conflict. He knew her well enough to know that she was so badly aching to show him whatever it was, but for some reason she couldn’t.

When his gaze flicked back to her covered arm, he noticed the sheets pooling with a crimson red.

Instinctively, he stood up and grabbed some gauze from the counter before rounding to her other side. He crouched next to the bed and put his hand gently next to hers, making Hermione jump.

“N-no.” She cried.

“Darling, I have to lift the sheet. I can’t let you be in pain like this, alright?” He approached gently.

Hermione’s chin continued to quiver but he noticed her hold loosen considerably as she turned her head away from him, unable to meet his eyes.

Thanking Merlin that his Hermione wasn’t feeling stubborn at that moment, he peeled the sheet back.

As he moved the fabric, he felt hesitant, like maybe she was right and he shouldn’t see whatever this is, knowing it’ll cause him more pain.

No, he told himself quickly. This isn’t about you, this is about her, you can take suffering, imagine how she feels, he told himself.

There was red all over her arm, but he could see where it was coming from. Clear as day.

His left hand, the one not attending to her, twitched near his back pocket.

His body at its own accord was itching to dissapparte and murder Bellatrix.

How dare she do this. What a sick fuck. Twisted, maniacal, horrid, scum of the-

Ron’s thoughts are cut off when he feels something on him.

Two eyes, round as saucers boring into him, gaging his reaction.

“U-ugly.” She whimpered in shame, trying to pull her arm away, but found herself too weak.

In response, his own eyes bulged. He shoved his fury aside best he could, not wanting Hermione to think his reaction was because of her.

Sure, he would never want that on her skin, but it was because she didn’t deserve it. It didn’t make her any less beautiful or any less magical. He just hated the pain and story behind it. He hated that awful word.

Hermione Granger was the Brightest Witch of her Age, she was beautiful, she was brilliant, brave, and he loved her. He never wanted her to be associated with anything else.

“No, no, no.” He said, bringing up the hand from his back pocket to cup her cheek.

Tears fell out of her eyes.

“Come on Mione please, look at me, hey.” He tried.

Slowly, her watery eyes found his.

He pulled away momentarily, to roll up the sleeve of his jumper revealing the swirls the brain left him.

“Look, me too, I’ve got some too, okay?” He knew it wasn’t the same. Not at all. But he was desperate to make her feel alone.

‘Miss Granger is just as sane as you and I, she just has less to be sane about.’

Dumbledore’s words rang true at this moment. He couldn’t afford to let his Mione get lost again, never again.

This seemed to work a little as her breathing slowed, “You’re still gorgeous, please believe me. I’ve got them, Bill, Harry-”

At the last name she whimpered.

“Harry?” He repeats.

She nods, “O-okay?” Hermione questioned worriedly.

If her blood wasn’t staining his hands and if he wasn’t so determined on killing Bellatrix, he’d smile at how big her heart is.

“He’s fine, I promise. How about when the healer comes I get him, alright? Would you like that?” He coaxes her.

Slowly she nods, but her eyes are still trained away from him in embarrassment.

“Please Hermione, I promise you that-”

“I’m sorry, I came as fast as I could!” Jamison called from the door, “What seems to be the problem?” He asked, stepping closer.

Hermione visibly shrunk at the sight of yet another person, a stranger at that.

“Hey, you’re safe. I promise.” Ron whispered, leaning in close so his lips brushed her ear.

It made her shiver.

The most wonderful, lively sensation she’s felt in months.

And she believed his every word.

Ron was explaining to the healer something, but she didn’t listen, too focused on the pain now registering in her arm as the old man pressed onto it.

“I’m gonna get Harry, I’ll be right back.” He told her softly as he subtly flicked his eyes to where his father was standing, letting her know she wasn’t alone.

She wasn’t sure how long the healer stood there wrapping her wound. He must’ve sensed she wasn’t feeling conversational and thankfully did so in silence, nodding to her with a small smile and promise to be back as he left the room.

Some more time ticked on. What was only really an additional two minutes had felt like hours to Hermione when she was alone with her thoughts.

There was so much to think about. So much that went wrong. So much that could still go wrong. Maybe if I had just-

The sound of nearby footsteps broke her trail of thoughts, but she attributed it to the sound of the returning healer, as he never shut the door.

But it was Ron who called to her, “Mione.” His tender voice called.

Her eyes snapped up to see blue ones and then green.

A green she knew so well. One she had missed dearly.

“Hermione.” Harry practically whimpered as he took long strides to the bed, pulling her into his arms none too gently.

Ron nearly interjected to tell his best mate to be careful, but he didn’t have the heart once he saw the trail of tears falling from beneath the lenses of Harry’s glasses.

“I’m sorry Hermione. I’m so sorry.” He sobbed.

Hermione ignored it. She just figured it was something to say. Something she was guilty of saying to Harry after all the tragedies he’s endured. As to say ‘I’m sorry this happened to you.”

But that wasn’t what he meant.

“I’m sorry I ran after her that day. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.”

Vigorously Hermione shook her aching head on his shoulder, letting him know his words were not to be tolerated. She even heard Ron say Harry’s name as if warning him.

She pulled back and gently ran one of his fingers over the scar on his forehead. Feeling the rough patch of silvery pink skin.

He sat still in confusion as Ron watched with pain in his eyes, knowing where the action was stemming from.

Harry’s scar was a terrible reminder of a horrible night, left by the mark of a horrible man. However, it was also imprinted with the reminder of the love his mother shared for him. The protection it provided.

Ron’s scars were a mark of bravery. One’s he could tell someone he donned during a battle trying to protect his friend.

And the awful word branded on Hermione represented cowaridice. There was no elaborate story of throwing curses and being a hero. There was no trace of love to be found in the pitiful thing. Instead it was a disgusting act used against her as she finally succumbed to her captors.

“Are you okay?” Harry’s asked raspily, immediately feeling stupid for asking such a thing after.

Hermione deserved a break. Everyone in that room and outside in that hallway knew it.

Except her.

Needing to be strong to sooth Harry’s guilt and Ron’s evident worry she pulls back and places one shaky hand on the Chosen One’s shoulder, making sure his misty green eyes are trained on her.

What she does next shocks them all, especially herself.

By some strength from within she attempts to stretch a smile on her dry cracked lips, ignoring the pulling it does on her cuts and bruises.

She feels it falter and shake in its place but she knows to keep it on long enough to hopefully convince Harry and maybe even herself.

Ron however saw right through it. Her eyes weren’t lit up like he knew them to be. Her lips were quivering and her hand was shaking on Harry’s shoulder. Almost like it was painful to keep up with the facade.

The black haired boy seemed too transfixed to notice, letting out a wet chuckler and pulling her back to him.

“You’re brilliant Hermione. You’ll always be brilliant.” He whispers into the depths of her hair, practically overcome with relief at her feeble attempt to indicate she was okay.

Harry loved Hermione. Not at all in the same way that Ron did, but he loved her nonetheless. She was the sister his mother never had the chance to give him, she was his best friend, his support system. She was his family.

So no, he didn’t believe her phony smile, but what he did know now was that Hermione was still in there. The Hermione he knew and loved would always put everyone before herself. And while the notion wasn’t comforting, it assured his aching heart that there was hope.

With that thought he mindlessly moved his hand and gave her another squeeze being not thinking twice about her sore body and countless injuries. As his hand absently roams, she jumps as he hits a particularly tender wound.

She groans loudly, making him jump away and Ron lurch closer to the pair. ,

“Hermione, I’m so sorry. I didn’t-”

He stops when he notices what her eyes are focused on. A thick white bandage on her arm.

His green eyes turn to Ron who watches the scene in anguish, a pained look across his face at her reaction.

Soon Hermione lifts her casted hand and Ron fears she may pick at it again.

“Mione.” He begins softly.

Instead, she nudges one of Harry’s hands from where it’s pulled fearfully in his chest. Briefly exchanging a look with Ron, he complies and lets her lead his fingers to graze the edge of her bandaid.

“L-look.” She chokes.

“What?” Harry splutters.

She nods to him, reaffirming her words.

As his shaking fingers begin to peel away the gauze, Hermione looks at Ron longingly, imploring him to come over.

Thankfully he understands and walks over and sits himself next to her, diagonal from Harry, placing a gentle hand on where her neck and shoulder meet, rubbing it gently.

When she feels the cold air hit her open wound, she gasps, and so does Harry. She never feels Ron’s blue eyes stray from hers, not wanting to be reminded of her pain anymore than he already has been today. Instead, just be there for her.

A tear escapes Harry’s green eyes and drips its way down his nose. At the sight Hermione begins to shutter beneath his hold as multiple tears stream her face.

Broken at the sight of her and at what they did, Harry thinks back to a moment they shared just minutes ago, now having an entirely new understanding of it.

Lifting her scarred arm gently, he pulls at her fingers and places them over the jagged lightning bolt on his forehead. Next, he rolls up the sleeve of Ron’s jumper and places her casted hand over his arm, making sure her revealed finger tips graze the swirls running along the length of his best mates freckled skin.

Seeming to understand what he was doing, Ron then moves his own hand to rest along Hermione’s free wrist as he scoots up so her head can rest along his shoulder.

She complies and drops her head in the crook of his neck, eyes flicking between Harry and Ron as more tears find their way down her face. Her vision is so blurred that she barely notices the boys are crying now too.

They sit like that until the sun goes down.

And no words were passed, there didn’t need to be any.

This moment was one for understanding.

In this moment between the only family she has left, Hermione realizes who she is now.

As long as she’s known Harry, he’s been the very thing she’s become upon waking up in St. Mungo’s.

Scarred orphans lucky enough to have been saved by Ron.

#Ron and Hermione #Ron Weasley #ron x hermione #rons-hermiones come find me #Hermione Granger #romione fanfic #romione #hp fanfic #hp #sixth year

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