#i mean I'll probably just keep applying for things in the hope that i can walk into something else in November

[xiabablog]

do you have any tips for speaking to/reaching out to recruiters? i'm looking for new grad roles and ppl keep telling me to but i don't even know where to start or find any and all the articles online are so intimidating

Hiya 💗

The people are right, it's one of the best ways to put yourself out there! Oh, this is going to be a long one~!

I'll share tips from my own experience, this might help you, this might because I did it any other way but this:

I applied to a bunch of jobs: like for 5 days straight I was just apply just for the sake of it. The more jobs, the more recruiters have my CV/Resume in their database. I recommend LinkedIn the most as it's super easy to drop a message to the recruiter.

Applied to jobs that I had 50%+ chance of getting a call to: Obviously this means apply to jobs where you have the skills and the experience (work or in building projects etc). I say this because say they do call you but they ask you if you have this certain tech stack and you say no... end of call really. So, for me, I had like 2 or 3 things they were asking for in a candidate so I got through to the calling stage!

LinkedIn is actually your friend, don't be afraid: During my random job searching and whilst I was in my job, I had recruiters message me about job opportunities. Why? Because of my profile. You need to have your LinkedIn vamped up, check mine out for reference (click the LinkedIn icon). But make sure to have your skills e.g. About > Top skills, your work experience (paid or volunteer) and any certificates you have! If you're brave, not like me, start posting on there for a while.

LinkedIn again but Connections: Oh my days please follow people, even if you don't know them personally. I have 300+ connections (not to brag) but I only know like two handful of the people, the rest are of people who connect with people who I follow, I have met like 5 recruiters through this way.

Actually message the recruiters???: Okay so you followed the people, your CV/Resume is done and dusted and now you're ready to message those recruiters! In my case, I had more recruiters message me than the other way round only because I'm shy hehe so I wait for them to make the first move. They would probably send a whole message about the new job that have posted and see if you're interested and then, if you like the job, you can say "Yes please" or whatever is the appropriate reply is, and then they will send further information or arrange a phone call! If you want to message them first, I would find them more after applying for a job on LinkedIn, they usually add the recruiter in the job posting as a way for people to message them.

DO NOT FEEL AFRAID IN MESSAGING RECRUITERS: I say this because a) imagine 100 people apply for the job, only 5 would message the recruiter (I don't know if the stats are right, I just remembered that from bootcamp-) because everyone else is too afraid to do it! Missed opportunity! b) recruiters actually want people to message them. Now in terms of what to write to them? I don't know really. I would always go for the classic "don't repeat what's on your resume", they're going to read it anyways, so just talk a bit about your experience and skills A BIT like

"Hello/Hi, my name is [name]. I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to express my strong interest in the [Job Title] position at [Company Name], for which I recently submitted my application. I'm enthusiastic about the opportunity to join [Company Name] and contribute to [mention something specific you find appealing about the company or role, if possible]. I believe my skills and experience align well with the requirements of the position. Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to the possibility of discussing my qualifications in more detail. Best regards, [name]

No hire, don't be sad: Even if they don't hire you, or go through the next stages, keep in touch by even asking questions about what's on the market/what's new, how you could do better for other jobs you want to apply to that were similar to the ones you failed at. They could point you to the right direction! One recruiter said she wanted me to have more projects I was passionate about online like on GitHub or GitLab, even if they were "silly" projects - at the time, I didn't have much projects online so it made sense! See, I took that advice and now I'm a project making machine (a bit)! Advice they give sticks forever!

Remember, reaching out to recruiters and applying for jobs is a numbers game. The more applications you submit, the better your chances of landing interviews. I really hope this helps and I didn't make too many spelling mistakes! This is all of the things I could note down from the top of my head!

I've made other posts on on my coding blog about career advices:

🌐 Tips for Landing Your First Entry-Level Developer Job

🌐 Career Services For Web Dev (could be useful to you too!)

🌐 The Talent Cloud Community: Careers Workshop

Good luck with your job search!

⤷ ♡ my shop ○ my mini website ○ pinned ○ navigation ♡

#resources #my asks #codeblr #coding #progblr #programming #studying #studyblr #learn to code #comp sci #tech #programmer #career advice #career #job interview #first job #jobsearch #computer science

[pascaloverx]

Sweet Love

Summary: You're an up-and-coming writer, congratulations. To protect your beloved job, you're willing to do anything. Even strike a deal with the devil, better known as your sister's neighbor. You and Dean Winchester don't really see eye to eye, but in a moment of desperation, you agree to collaborate with him for a greater good.

Author's Notes: Many characters do not belong to me but to the Supernatural Universe (2005-2020). I hope you enjoy the fanfic's story. The fanfic will contain strong language and future adult content.

chapter one chapter three

CHAPTER TWO

It's been two days since you made your agreement with Dean, and there's no sign of him. You even thought about going to him, but he always seems to be busy screwing someone. Literally. Yesterday, a beautiful man left his apartment, and you gave up on going to Dean's place because you swore it was Castiel. Well, to put it briefly, Castiel is Dean's great love story. At least, that's what you think. When you moved into your sister's apartment, Castiel lived with Dean. They seemed like quite the couple, even though officially they said they were having a "casual thing." But about a year ago, Castiel broke up with Dean. Rumors say Castiel wanted emotional commitment, and that's Dean's biggest nightmare. So when you saw a handsome man very similar to Castiel and wearing a trench coat like Castiel used to wear, you thought they had made amends. But in the end, it wasn't Castiel. This makes you sure that Dean is avoiding helping you. It could be because he's quite stupid when he wants to be, or because he didn't see any benefit in helping you.

You then decide to try writing the long-awaited smut, describing how the male protagonist's skin smells like men's deodorant and cheap moisturizer, and how the female protagonist is intrigued by the male protagonist's eyes. You try and try, but your protagonists don't seem to want a physical connection. If only your publisher would accept this. But you're just a few steps away from becoming permanently unemployed. So, wearing a somewhat revealing nightgown and your Stitch slippers, you practically run to Dean's apartment door. But you can't bring yourself to knock on his door; courage is lacking. Or perhaps you feel humiliated.  You turn around, thinking about what you'll have to do to apply for any other job. Or how it will be to move back in with your mother when you're already too old for it to seem like a viable option.

"Do you make a habit of standing in front of other people's apartments?" Dean Winchester asks, opening the door to his apartment. You turn around delicately as if caught off guard. The feeling of embarrassment washes over you.

"No, actually, it's something I exclusively do with you, sweetheart. Can you explain why you gave up on helping me?" You speak, feigning confidence. Dean looks you up and down.

"You're going to regret this, you know?" Dean says boastfully as I walk further and further out of his apartment, you noticing that he's in a bathrobe and him apparently noticing that you're in a nightgown.

"Dean, I'm not a little girl. You don't need to protect me. I just want you to help me. Do you understand this?" You get closer to him. Your face getting closer to his. You feel the strange need to kiss him.

"Sam thinks our partnership is a bad idea. According to him, I'm taking advantage of the fact that your sister is away to try to lead you down the wrong path." Dean tries to explain the reason why he hasn't helped you yet.

"Is he right?" You ask, smiling mischievously as you keep your eyes locked on Dean's. He looks at you, as if calculating what answer to give you. You presume he's undecided between lying or not. In reality, it means he wants to take advantage of you.

"Probably is. The problem is, everyone knows you and me, it's not gonna work out. Either you'll give up on me, or I'll mess everything up." He says, looking intensely at you, as you hold onto the edge of the robe he's wearing and bring your faces closer together.

"I didn't come here to play cat and mouse with you, Winchester. Now, tell me how to start a romantic story with a bit of sexual tension and forget your worries." You say, cutting straight to the point.

"What are we doing now. Analyzing each other halfway between our apartments. Casually wondering if it wouldn't be interesting to take off the few pieces of clothing we're wearing?" Dean's suggestion sounds good, but in your head it sounds like a warning. What you and he are doing is building sexual tension. Analyzing each other's bodies, observing details such as what they are wearing and moving closer and closer.

"Are you saying this is the method you're going to use to help me? Try to fuck me?" You say, moving away from him a little and coughing falsely. That was letting you embarrassed, in a good way.

"What better way than to practice with you? Write about what you're experiencing right now, about your filthiest thoughts about me, you, and the floor of my house. Maybe the shower, or the mattress?" Dean says, approaching you step by step, making you lose your breath. Your head lightly knocks on your door. Or rather at the door of your sister's apartment.

"What's the next step in your help?" You speak almost in a whisper next to Dean who is face to face with you. His fingers then lightly travel around your waist, holding you steady. He wants to tease you. 

"Imagine that your character is going to do exactly what I'm doing, seduction works like that. But something good about seduction is knowing when to do things. Now it would be easy to win you over but leaving you eager for more, it's much better. " Dean says, letting go of your waist and composing himself.

"You're more useful than you seem. I hope you know you're going to need more than that if you want to help me with this book." You say trying not to seem affected by him.

"Get ready, kitten. I know very well how to help you. Just try to take it to the professional. I don't know how to deal with people who are in love with me." Dean says smiling and you roll your eyes. How arrogant he is. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, idiot." You say, opening the door to your sister's apartment and closing it in Dean's face. You then run to get your computer and write down everything about what just happened.

#dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean winchester x you #spotify #female reader #dean x you #dean winchester x y/n #supernatural characters #supernatural series #supernatural x reader #angst #smut #sam winchester #mary winchester #castiel #Spotify

[bunnyswritings]

ur blog is soo helpful !!!! ive been looking into writing more lately and this is like a godsend <3 i was wondering if u could do some starter tips?? like stuff to avoid as a new writer :o ps. hope ur having a wonderful week!!!

ahhh, hello!! this is such a sweet message, and thank you, i hope you have a fruitful week ahead too ♡ i'm so glad you're writing more lately- i'll def do my best to provide some starter tips (though i'm really also a starter myself 😅 so i hope you like these, and feel free to let me know what you think!) also, just to put it out there that these are what i found helpful personally / what i think will be helpful, and may / may not resonate with everyone. Also, this topic is soooo broad and there are a million things that can be covered, but for now I'll just keep it short and go with stuff to avoid (or rather, approach differently) as per request. if you / anyone else would like another post for more specific writing tips, feel free to drop it in my ask box!

Some general writing tips — stuff to avoid; little things to not overdo

over-planning

overusing fancy vocabulary

over-describing

over-criticising your work

over-comparing

more details under the cut!

Over-planning — plan the general outline, direction of your plot, message of your story, characters and their rough personalities; yes, do all that well! good planning makes for a good story, but i think it's helpful to remember that sometimes things don't pan out the way we envision them to. and it's important to let certain things go, appropriately of course. if your initial storyline doesn't quite fit the characterisation of the protagonist etc (and vice versa), then perhaps it's time to rethink things — and NOT be too hard-up about it. [tldr: be flexible!]

Overusing bombastic vocabulary — i'm sure you've come across millions of writing advice pieces that aim to spruce up your vocabulary with bombastic phrases. by all means go ahead and pick a few that fit the mood and style of your writing. otherwise, i'd say that sometimes, less is more. throwing in fancy words for the sake of it may not be as helpful as you think. there should be a fine balance between using words that add flavour + help to illustrate nuances and using words to make your piece seem complex. simplicity goes a long way, as i've learnt. but having said that, building up a solid repertoire of vocabulary / good phrases is always helpful, the key thing is using those phrases in the right context. definitely easier said than done, so i suggest reading your favourite author's works couple of times through and pick up their way of using language to their advantage.

Over-describing — narration, descriptive language are great, and can really help to nudge your story in the right direction. it helps set the scene, the mood, and all these are critical in writing... BUT! not the same can be applied to describing actions. not every single action has to be written out explicitly — an example: she walks over to the kitchen, turns around, and opens the refrigerator. she then takes out a canned drink, and places the drink on the countertop... etc — you get the point. some things can be left implied, rather than explicit.

Over-criticising your work — ahh, the age-old piece of advice. i do it all the time, and you probably do too... sometimes, being harsh on yourself and on your work may seem like the only way to better yourself and push your limits, but often times, i personally find that this is counter-productive both on the physical and mental front. it wears you down, it is a nidus for dejection and negative vibes. i think the way i try to get round this is by taking pride in my own work; telling myself that 'this is something i wrote, these are my ideas put into prose, these are my thoughts written on paper'. the caveat here is that avoiding being over-critical of your work DOES NOT and should not mean avoiding proofreading. proofreading is extremely crucial to check for grammatical and structural errors (i recommend doing it once or twice yourself, and if possible, getting a fresh pair of eyes to do the same).

Over-comparing — this ties in nicely with the previous point. take pride in your work! this is something original from you and you only, written in your unique style. having authors/writers whom you look up to is essential in moulding your writing style and habits, but should not be the sole focus when you write. remember that every writer is different, every piece of writing is different; this goes even for pieces with similar plots / tropes / character personalities. nuances, subtleties and underlying messages can come through very differently when written by different people. after all, our life journeys are all personal, which is a factor influencing the way we convey messages across through the written word.

and... that's it for now! i really hope that this helps. honestly, i'm scratching the surface here, and there are lots more i can talk about when i have more braincells >_<

feel free to drop any other requests or questions in my ask if you'd like ♡

#writing tips #writing resources #writing inspo #writing inspiration #writing advice #creative writing #creative writing prompts #writing prompts #prompts #writerscommunity #writeblr #fanfiction prompts #new writer boost #writer #writing dialogue #bunnyswritings #bunnyrequests #bunnyrambles

[chongoblog]

Hey there! Have you figured out any ways to reduce reliance on discards in Balatro? I've been trying to get up to max with the Red deck to compensate for the discard decrease, but I feel like it's just not coming together, and I'm starting to wonder if I need to change the way I'm thinking; obviously there's things like changing suits and deleting cards, but none of it seems to pop up quite reliably enough to plan around it.

If by "get up to max" means you're working on Gold Stake, then you're probably farther than me, since I just beat Blue Stake last night haha. But I'll see if I can give some advice based on my experience.

Obviously the approach that you take will depend on what you're going for, but the bottom line for all of them is deck setup and hand size.

For three/four/five of a kind, Death and Strength are your best friends. Death can duplicate a rank AND a Suit for you, and Strength is invaluable for converting up to two cards to your preferred ranks. Always keep an eye on your Full Deck, since it tracks how many of each rank you have, and try to hard focus on a few ranks to increase the number of if possible, and you can still focus on somewhat reliable Full Houses. Picking ranks that aren't next to one another will make it easier to use Strength. There's also Ouija if you roll it in a Spectral Pack, but that's only really going to be effective really early on (although Cryptid is another great Spectral to use for this kind of deck. Familiar/Grim too, if you're focusing Face Cards or Aces respectively). As far as I can tell, this kind of build is the only one where Jokers can't really help you get more consistent results.

If you feel like you want to go for flushes, then that's the devil talking, but while we're playing his silly games, The obvious approach is stuff like starting with checkerboard deck, using the Moon/Sun/Star/World Tarot to change suits, maybe even picking up the Sigil Spectral Card early one. You can also look out for Four Fingers and Smeared Jokers (although I'd say one or the other). Also using Tarot cards like Death (once again) and The Lovers are very helpful. Hand size isn't AS important for a flush sets as some other sets imo, but its still really important. That said if you play Checkerboard Deck or have Smeared and you get a hand size increase by 1, then you will ALWAYS have a guaranteed Flush. But you probably shouldn't bank your entire strategy on one Joker, so unless you're playing CB deck, hand size shouldn't be as much of a priority.

Finally, if you want to go for straights, then this is probably where your hand size is the MOST important. It's also where you want to focus on REMOVING certain ranks rather than KEEPING/GAINING certain ranks like you do for three/four/five of a kind/full house. That's why if you put Troubador on Abandoned Deck, you'll be saving on discards like no one's business. Because if you're not getting straights left and right, then you're probably getting Full Houses. Plus, Shortcut is a busted joker if you want to go for straights.

My last piece of advice is that when you DO use your discards, use them well. This usually applies most in the early game, but keep your eyes peeled for multiple possible hands and if they share enough of an overlap, then on discard the cards that are in neither of your ideal hands.

So the short answer is if you've got a bigger hand and you plan out your deck a bit, then you'll way more likely to get what you want on the draw. Now you might not be able to get a whole run discard-less, since luck is still a factor, but it can help! I hope this rambling mess helped in any way! Might come back to it after I become even more experienced.

#balatro #long post

[swearyshera]

Alice,

I've loved being able to read Sweary She-Ra through the years. I happened upon it only a few months after finishing She-Ra (I was late to the party due to not having Netflix, oops), and it gave me so much wonderful content to keep my excitement for the series alive.

The way you explored the characters, especially Catra's mental health and her relationship with Shadow Weaver, helped give me a new understanding and greater appreciation of them. I bring up Catra specifically because, I'll be honest, I wasn't a big Catra fan for awhile. I liked her well enough, then kinda didn't in season 4, but grew fond of her again around season 5. But you helped me understand her thought-process, and I came to like her more because of it. I really like that you also handled her in a nuanced way, where, as you've said many times, you explained her behavior without excusing it, and that made all the difference.

One of the things I really appreciated about your take on She-Ra was how apparent your intelligence was, as well as your writing skill. It wasn't just "Catra says fuck and Glimmer has killed dozens," even though it could have been--you went the extra mile (or kilometer, since you're British :P) and gave us a variety of jokes, as well as mood shifts from comedic to tragic to dramatic to hopeful. All of the characters felt like themselves, even though they were pushed up to 11 and had some creative liberties taken, such as Frosta being a demon and Hordak's Geordie accent. You had a good handle on all of them, which can be very hard to do with a large cast, especially one written by another writer.

I also really appreciated that you took the time to answer asks and build a community here. It gave us lovely jokes such as Bob (that's right, I haven't forgotten about him), Catra's age, and Entrapta reading our comments. I've always been very shy online, but seeing you having such nice interactions with fans helped me open up, and I'm glad I did! I used to ask anonymously from time to time (yes, my first ask was about DT, all the way back during your start on season one, what else would it be? XD), and I'm glad I've gotten to chat and joke with you, as have the rest of us.

I'm so glad that you stuck with this and created such a wonderful fan-series. We never got a movie, but this was just as good, in my opinion. It was like watching SPOP for the first time all over again. I'm excited to see what you create next, be it SPOP-related or not. I hope the future has great things in store for you.

You brought us laughs, tears, and spectacular Glimmer-swears, and your blog means so much to so many people. You mean so much to so many people. I hope you find success in your future endeavors!

FOR THE HONOR OF GAYSKULL!

What can I say, it's truly been an honour (of Gayskull) to write something that I had no idea brought so much to many people. I'm genuinely quite humbled by the reaction.

I always wanted to be fair to all the characters, to show their reasons without necessarily validating the invalid stuff that they've done, and that particularly came across with Catra. It's no secret that I see a lot of parallels between her and my own history, but I've applied the same take-no-shit but be kind approach that I took with myself over the years. And I've learned a lot about mental health during that time, so I could give that sometimes painful realism, but also know just how to make fun of it in the right way.

In some ways, I feel like the characters I've written have taken on their own personality that's very distinct from the original, and that's probably why I think there's a little more mileage in them yet. Both in terms of original stuff (my pilot script Snowflakes has almost 1:1 versions of DT and Perfuma!), but also in the possibility for creating more Sweary stuff, and that is slowly taking shape - although I am taking it easy for a bit, I've already outlined a story which I'd love to make into an audio drama. Currently workshopping it with a couple of people, so watch this space...

It has been a joy to get so many asks from people, yourself included, and my inbox will always be open. I'm not going anywhere for a while! You were very much my DT-asker-in-chief, and I'm super glad you enjoyed their scenes (heck, you even got them a cameo at the end!). So thank you immensely for the support.

I'm happy I've been able to contribute to a wonderful fandom in such a way, and I'm eager to keep on giving back to a community that has given me so many amazing friends.

FOR THE HONOR OF GAYSKULL!

[best-titan-7274]

I just got home from the painfull teeth stuff anf my teeth still hurt so much, can I have some hurt/comfort with Jack and BT? ;o;

maybe Jack gets hurt on the mission, but like, not too serious, just painfull, and has to take care of himself untill the medics could get to them (or they to medics?), and BT kinda frets over him and gets lowkey anxious that he can't really help with that. maybe insert "why are humans so fragile" thinking from BT, and Jack getting amused and countring it with some facts about human resilience (like the fact titans need specifically made copmonents/parts to get fixed, and humans just need some food/drug stuff and rest, or something).

oh I love hurt/comfort, hope you're feeling better by now!

Sometimes, shit happened. That was a phrase that he'd learned long before he ever joined the Militia. But lately it had definitely applied to missions and Jack was starting to get kind of tired about it all.

"Pilot, are you sure that you do not require any emergency medical assistance?" BT asked, not for the first time.

"Yeah, don't worry about it, BT. It looks worse than it is."

Not entirely. His arm does hurt like hell, and it is kind of slashed open from his shoulder to his elbow. He should have kept a closer eye on his surroundings, but the scanner hadn't been working, so he'd been staring at that, and he figured BT was scanning the area himself instead of just watching him-

Anyway, they'd both made some mistakes. And now Jack was hurt. They'd finished their mission just fine, and nothing else had tried to eat him, so he figured everything was okay.

Except the part where BT was more of a mother hen than his actual mother.

Jack had patched himself up, kind of, more like he'd taped a bandage over the cut and then another to keep it from bleeding through. BT had judged him for his slipshod job anyway.

"Why are you so worried about me, anyway?" he couldn't help asking. "Is this more protect-the-Pilot protocol stuff?"

"Partially. I am also worried about you as my friend."

"Aw, BT. Don't worry about me, all right? I'm fine."

"I am still concerned about your injury."

"Humans heal themselves, you know that, right? It's not like a Titan that's gotta have a tech crew with special parts. I mean, sure, the medic is going to want to give me an antibiotic shot or something, probably. But I'll be all right."

"My records of the things that can injure human Pilots indicate that their skin and bones are very fragile compared to my chassis, even if it does require special parts."

"Yeah, we break easier, but we get fixed easier, too. It's gonna be all right. A few weeks at base and I'll be just fine. Trust me."

"Of course I do."

"And if you're really worried, you can help me convince Briggs that double chocolate ice cream is essential to my recovery."

There's a pause, and then, "My records do not indicate that this is correct."

Jack laughs despite himself, and stands up, shoving the packaging from the bandage in his pocket. He's not going to litter, he's not an animal. But he's also not above pestering his Titan into being extra nice to him while he's injured.

"You can keep an eye on my vitals while we keep walking, all right?"

"I believe that will be essential to your continued health."

Geez, not a lot of faith in him. But he has done a lot of reckless things in the past, so BT does have good reason to be slightly worried. Jack trusts his Titan to keep an eye on him no matter what problems they run into. Here, or anywhere.

#titanfall 2 #bt 7274 #jack cooper #request

[lunawings]

Today was a big day for me.

After finally starting treatment earlier this month for the health problems I'd alluded to before, I've been feeling a lot better.

So much better in fact, that I submitted a very last minute somewhat spontaneous application to the Idol Showcase at Another Anime Con this weekend and... I was accepted!

The song I applied with was Analog Heart, my favorite Rina Tennoji song that I've been practicing on and off for a long time. (Pretty much ever since I decided I wanted to try IRL idol activities.) And I was really, really excited to finally perform it.

But, due to circumstances at my work impacting my schedule the week before, I had to go an entire week without practicing before the event and I found myself unusually nervous. Then, this was exacerbated by two other factors. First of all, I was scheduled to perform very late in the event for some reason (perhaps my bad for applying late) so I had to sit and watch so many wonderful, wonderful performers before my turn (including another Rina who did SO GOOODDDD). Meanwhile, this was all taking place outside in a tent.

In the POURING rain.

As I felt the occasional droplet on my head and watched the wall of the tent cave in and split open beside me I felt increasingly concerned that the entire roof would just burst open at some point to inundate us all. It did not, but one of the biggest leaks happened to be right on the stage, so when I got up there and saw that puddle it was like.... uurugughghg.

In the end I got through my performance just fine and everyone cheered for me! The crowd was so kind!

But

I felt my movements were a lot more jerky and rushed than they should have been.

Which sucks considering I was SO happy with my audition video. I felt like I'd finally captured the fluid, confident movement I'd been striving for, for so long and I was SO. PROUD........

I shouldn't be this disappointed in myself but unfortunately I am.

*sigh*

Thing is, this was supposed to be my last solo performance as a Love Live character. I was hoping that, after this performance, I would feel fulfilled enough to close that chapter and move on to the other things I have planned.

But I don't feel that way at all.

I don't think I'm ready to let go of Rina quite yet...

Well.

My next opportunity to perform probably won't be for quite some time, so I do have a lot of time to think about it. I can always learn new things and still keep Rina on the backburner if another opportunity comes up short notice. I mean who even knows when I'll feel confident enough to perform the next thing I've got planned anyway because it'll be even harder and more nerve-wracking.

So I guess that's where I currently stand as a soloist.

As for my group idol endeavors... we'll see :)

To end on a high note I guess I'll leave this photo. My friend was cosplaying Lanzhu. Lanzhu was killed by pirates. She died. I don't know if Rina has noticed yet.

#real life idol adventures

[day6source]

hello my loves!!!! long time no talk!!!!! 💕💕🫶🏻🫶🏻 things have been very crazy and insane lately, between doctors appointments for me, a pending surgery for my step-dad, taking care of my niece, and everything else in between. but!! the long awaited day6 comeback is finally upon us in two hours!!! some of you might know i got into day6 right around the time 'right through me' and eternal dropped, and i was so excited! and then...they all immediately enlisted lmao. as i described to a friend the other day, i felt like i was led into a looney tunes style trap discovering them. having to wait out that time was awful, but we slowly got them all back and now! we're finally here! if you were around for 'letters with notes' i'll be pretty vigilant in getting everything posted (mostly) on time, first few days is always kind of insane, but it should all be up in a decently timely manner! i am making a change in regards to video call stuff, mostly in that if it's not available in a global sense, i probably won't post about it, mostly because they can be kinda finicky in regards to even applying, and i don't want to lead you guys into a false sense of excitement. if they are though, don't worry! i got you! gonna keep the masterpost updated as well, performances, promo, etc. also! guys!

what!!! that is insane!! within the coming weeks i'm gonna see about if there's going to be any more mmt events like before, and maybe do another little giveaway! especially because the one year anniversary of the blog is in about a month or so? ah!! i always say this, but i love getting to share things with you guys and read everyone's tags and see everyone's reactions, it's such a cool experience, and i'm glad everyone here is just so cool.mp3. i love you guys so much, you truly have no idea how much fun i have doing this, it means the world to me. on that note...i think that's it! if you wanna hit me up to talk about whatever, changed my url a while ago to @briankang, and! if you'd like to take part in the day6revival week from last week...well you still can and i'll still reblog things especially since i fell a little behind as well, just tag it with #day6revival, and make sure to check out everyone else's amazing creations as well! we're celebrating all through promotions as a huge welcome home to our silly, goofy, sweet band boys. the ask box is always open here of course too, and you know i always love hearing from you all. i'm going to enjoy my last few hours of peace before comeback, but i hope you've all been staying happy and healthy and you continue to, and if you haven't, i hope this new album brings you some kind of peace for the spring. spring is all about new starts, so if you've been feeling out of sorts, it's a great chance to wipe fresh and start anew. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, tay 💕💕💕💕🍀🍀🍀🍀

#[admin post]

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + slightly burned lion secondary (bird model)

I'm pretty sure I'm a double bird, but I'd like to know your thoughts.

For my primary, the thing that matters the most to me in the entire world is my S/O, he is my top priority

I mean, I certainly hope you mean "top priority [along with myself.]

and I view everyone else as "mattering less" in a hierarchial sort of way. For instance, my best friend is just below him, and everyone else is below her. It's not that I don't like my friends and acquaintances, they just mean less to me *morally*

Interested in where you're getting Bird primary from. Because that sounds pretty Snakey.

(I would never tell anyone they "don't matter" to me though, it's incredibly mean and I care a lot about what people think of me)

Just random people? Not even *your* people. Okay, now we're starting to sound like an External primary. (Bird or Badger.)

HOWEVER, I've gotten the impression that snake primaries have a built moral system outside of "me and my people" that they can drop at a moment's notice when it comes to their people, but I feel like I'm the opposite; I really WANT to be the kind of person who's loyal no matter what, but if my S/O says things I disagree with I have to be true to myself and my beliefs and argue with him about it.

Interesting. You like Snake primaries, maybe even idealize Snake primaries. Because what you're describing is just like... a relationship. A Snake primary might agree to disagree, because in the end it doesn't matter /that much/ to them. But they'd still talk about it.

I can be pretty sensitive with him, but mostly when it's something I believe very strongly for personal reasons, though it can happen over smaller things too. I am willing to listen to his side and understand where he's coming from though, and use subjective language when arguing. And I think about it a lot afterwards, asking myself whether I was right to react the way I did or whether I should have been more mature, whether I was objectively wrong, etc.

Eeeesh. "[too] sensitive" "should have been more mature" "subjective not objective" etc.

You're allowed to feel things. You don't need to explain why you feel. You are also allowed to have a large emotional reaction over something small. (That's why I ask for small, normal, personal anecdotes, examples like that can be extremely telling.) And it just rubs me the wrong way when someone is praised for being mature, or told to be *more* mature. Maturity is a function of how long you have been on planet Earth, and how many decisions you have needed to make while there. That's it. There's no way to bootstrap that, doesn't matter how smart you are. The only way to become more mature is to live more.

I actually spend a lot of time thinking about my actions in general like this. If I come to the conclusion I'm wrong, I'll feel extremely guilty for "not being loyal enough", though I can feel this way even if I'm right, too (I am very hard on myself for no reason). I suffer from OCD, so my morals are made a lot more extreme in my mind, and only apply to me for the most part. So, if I was coming off as unhealthy, that's probably why lol

I can see that.

But, this only happens with my S/O because I trust him so much; I'm not like this around others, tending to stay quiet due to anxiety and keeping my annoyance inside.

That's burned secondary language. "I want to express myself, but I can't. So your two options are speak out (and then obsess over what you said exactly, and end up feeling guilty for speaking out even if you decide you were right.) Or say nothing, and let the annoyance build up. That's one hell of a choice, friend.

I don't think I've always been this invested in loyalty; at some point after hurting the person who was Most Important at the time, loyalty being incredibly important became ingrained in me. But when I was younger, I was a lot more passionate about injustice and got very swept up in the "sjw" stuff, tending to believe whatever I read or was told. My friends would often get annoyed with how much I'd start yelling about something, like incorrect word usage or if someone was insensitive about someone's identity.

I'm wondering if you might have a Lion secondary. You would definitely prefer to argue then keep the peace, and it sounds like when you were younger you were a lot more fiery.

"Tending to believe whatever I read or was told" is young behavior kind of in general, although it hits External primaries hardest. Although this shift from a more Lion systemto something more Snake flavored is definitely something a Bird would do.

And before that, I believed a lot of what I grew up hearing from my mother, about how my bio family only cared about "blood" while she didn't (I'm adopted and grew up not being related to anyone in my family, and therefore have strong opinions on people saying stuff like "real parents" etc). I always told myself that I loved my mother even though it was clear to me that she didn't love me back, and the only way I got out of that situation was finally telling myself that I didn't have to love her and that I had to prioritize myself over everyone else if I was going to get out. I ended up being incredibly stubborn and standing my ground and repeating to myself over and over not to listen to her. Making my own judgements and forming my own opinions came with time and maturity, and I'm hoping my temper continues to dampen and I become better at patience in the future.

This is a story about a Lion secondary protecting you. This, when it really comes down to it, are what Lion secondaries are *for.* That voice that says "This far and no further. I will be stubborn, I will let anything else fall away. It doesn't matter what comes at me, I am just going to repeat what I'm doing until I get OUT." The world needs people like that.

But now you're in a less dire situation. Your Lion secondary is still protecting you, but you need some more nuanced problem-solving techniques as well.

I am closer to the rest of my family now that they have finally cut her out of their lives, because she hurt all of them. Despite her having clear favorites among us kids and having a hierarchy, and me hating that, I do the same thing. I try not to make it as obvious, though.

You're absolutely allowed to have favorite people in your life. You're even allowed to let if effect how you treat them, because everyone involved has a comparable level of power. If they have a problem, they can leave or take it up with you. A child can't do that, which is why treating specifically a child with obvious favoritism is so awful.

(I will note that I've picked up some of my S/O's morals, but only because I care about what he'd think if I did things like kill a bug instead of putting it outside or if I wasted food, etc)

Could be a Bird with a Snakey system. Could also just be a Snake.

I would say that, between abandoning my morals and abandoning my people(/person), that the latter makes me feel way more guilty.

You definitely seem to have a kind of complicated relationship with Loyalists, and Snake primaries in general. On one hand, your mother seems to be kind of a toxic Snake, and you want to make sure that you never do hierarchies in the way that *she* did. On the other hand, you kind of idolize Snakes and wish that you were a Snake, or a better Snake. You also say some things that sound kind of Bird primary, sure. But you say a LOT of things that sound Snake.

Here's my take on you. I think you're a Snake primary who spent some time kind of burned. You might have even done a controlled Burn on purpose to get away from your mother - that is absolutely something that Snakes do, and honestly it's often pretty healthy as long as they don't *stay* burned. I think that when you didn't trust your Snake you built something that felt a little more *constructed,* and you are still at a place where you think you should be a better Snake than you are (which is something I see with slightly burnt primaries.) I also think that in the places where you look really Lion is probably just your secondary getting loud.

I am pretty selfish with people when I first meet them; I often only want to engage in my own interests, and only start caring about the other person's interests and becoming more selfless once we grow closer and I see them as important to me.

Don't beat yourself up, this is just people stuff.

However, I admire people who are able to just care about everyone and be so selfless and loving. I genuinely have no idea how they do that; I have no interest in loving absolutely everyone, I just think it's very impressive that they can. I feel like they are better people than me.

It is honestly very classic for Snake primaries to think that Badgers are Just Better.

As for my secondary, I used to be more impulsive and bad at planning ahead due to a combination of immaturity and ADHD.

I feel like I'm not very good at originality and creating new things, but I AM good at taking something and modifying or improving upon it. I am often thinking of ways I can make something that's meh or already pretty good and make it even better, and will end up fiddling with it to accomplish this. This includes image editing, messing with Tumblr themes, adding things to recipes, etc. I've also learned a lot of things and picked up new skills by doing this!

This is a very Improvisational way of talking about problem solving. Lions and Snakes will often talk about wanting something that they can *respond* to, and can easily get stuck when they have to begin in a void.

I dislike lying, especially when it comes to myself, but I do tend to have "different" sides I show depending on the person I'm interacting with. I am fully myself with my S/O, and mostly myself with my best friend, and everyone else gets a watered down version of me.

This is the Lion secondary "dimmer switch" or "volume dial" metaphor. There's you, and there's slightly toned-down versions of you.

It depends on what I think they're expecting of me or how I want them to perceive me, and I may exaggerate certain parts of myself a little, but I don't l pretend to be something I'm not. And I'm making an effort to be more Me and embrace myself more after putting myself into a box for a long time.

Good. I think that's going to be really good for you.

But, after moving out and getting older, I've had to hone my ability to plan ahead and prepare for things to avoid potential problems, or just make things easier for future me. I am often thinking of plans which usually involve more abstract, unusual ways of going about things based on what is available in terms of skills, resources, people I can ask for help, etc. I've also heard that "collecting shiny people" is something bird secondaries do, and that's something I'm super known for and partially plays into the "hierarchy" stuff I mentioned earlier. I love learning about people and analyzing them; personality typologies are actually a huge interest of mine! and I love being able to know and read people.

It sounds like after moving out you built yourself a lovely Bird secondary model that you really enjoy. Good for you.

I think that's all I have to say. Thanks and hope you're having a good day!

You are very welcome, and I am having a nice day.

#snake lion #lion secondary #snake primary #bird secondary model #shc #sortinghatchats #wisteria sorts #sortme

[scary-monsters]

You're not supposed to message your exes and that probably applies to ex best friends as well, but I'll probably always be too headstrong to do what I'm supposed to.

I remember when you thought it would be a miracle if you made it to 25. I'm glad you did. And now just shy of 31. Proud of you. Glad to see you still can't help but love as loudly as when I knew you. I hope that never changes.

Since the last time we talked, I've learned a few things and one of them is that love is never wasted. It is an investment into a market incapable of crashing. If you feel like life has no purpose, putting love into the world is always time well spent. I hope, for the sake of the world, that you are around a lot longer to keep putting love into the world and to receive it in return.

Sincerely, someone who hurt you and was hurt by you. Someone who loved you a long time ago and loves you still. Someone who does not regret the love that was between us, because it was love well spent.

i've been sitting on this ask for a couple days now, both because i was busy with family obligations and also because i debated keeping it to myself and not answering, but that felt wrong and impolite. especially when this actually like.. did a lot for me. apologies in advance for me being overly emotional but, alas, this is just who i am.

there's a very small handful of people that this could be, because i have not had very many best friends in my life, but based on context clues i think i know who it is. regardless, i'm really touched that you remembered me and wanted to reach out, especially since i've been going through it pretty heavily lately and very few people tend to check up on me (which is okay and i'm not trying to be a brat about it, my point is just that we haven't spoken in years and yet you still remembered me, that means a lot). i have been avoiding social interaction for the past week for personal reasons, but i've felt incredibly alone and unfortunately when my mental health tanks i tend to isolate even further. it always feels like self-preservation, so i have yet to learn how to stop doing it, but i really wish i could. just one of many things i'm working on with regards to myself, i guess.

i tend to believe that, when i part ways with people (especially when it's messy and emotional and not very amicable), i always leave a very gross taste in their mouth and that my memory will always be tainted by the hurtful things i said or did. i worry that i have done nothing good for anyone in my life ever and tbh that fear often keeps me awake at night. i want to be a good person so badly and i try my best but i'm painfully aware of my faults and my capability to be a Very Not Nice person. i will admit that for years i looked back on people who hurt me or abandoned me with little to no love in my heart but in recent years i've done a lot of work on myself and i do consider myself a fairly forgiving person. i try to live life as patiently as i can with regards to other people, i always try to understand what someone else could be going through. so no matter who you are, i promise you i have let go of that anger. it's in the past now, i really hope you are doing well and living your best life and i sincerely apologize for the pain i put you through. i imagine it was never intentional, everyone i have ever loved in my life, i have loved fully 🧡

#i feel like i'm not saying enough.... gah #thank you to whoever this is (but im pretty sure i know who.. i just don't wanna guess and be wrong HFDSJKGS) #sending you love and all the best vibes in the world and you are fully forgiven and have been for a while #i'm doing my best to make it to 35 but it has been a major struggle for the last year.. thank you 🧡 #ANYWAY BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED DIEGO BRANDO PROGRAMMING 🏇🏻

[sysmedsaresexist]

Why should I bother healing? I mean what awaits past the pain and sorrow? Feeling lightly better? I can just chase dopamine till I'll die and still have a good enough life

I feel like I know who this is, we have an unfinished conversation, don't we?? I still have your last reply and the start of my post in my drafts, waiting for me to find words that would help. If it's not you, I hope that user sees this, as well.

Friendo, don't let your current dumb feelings and silly brain get in your way of your future

Extreme positivity ahead

Fuck around on this post and find out

-the kids these days, probably

On a very serious note, I think we've all been there, where it just feels so goddamn pointless and you're so tired. Trauma survives long after the events that caused it, digging its claws into every aspect of your life-- even the parts that seemed unrelated and safe.

I can't give you the best advice because I don't know your full situation-- age, living arrangements, financial situations, education, all of that changes the conversation, but I'm going to try to give you a general bit of hope

Age and time helps

Even mental illness tends to improve with age.

As you get older, the brain naturally settles into a (generally) calmer, happier state. I promise you, with all the sincerity and genuineness in the world, even if you did nothing, in five years you'll still feel better than you do right now.

Yes, even dissociative disorders. (PDF)

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This won't apply to everyone, obviously there is a problem with mental health in aging populations, but... don't think that's the norm, or something to be expected, and you've already taken the biggest step by noting your mental health struggles early on. One of the biggest reasons that there is a problem in seniors is because there was very little early detection, and talking about mental health was seen as taboo. You're halfway there.

And as you experience more happiness and things just feel calmer, making positive changes becomes easier, especially as more opportunities open to you every year. So.

Looking back, I think my biggest mistake was looking at myself as I was, and looking at where I wanted to be-- or, more often, what I thought everyone else was. Happy, composed, financially successful, intelligent, popular.

And good god, I felt lazy. I wasn't chronically fatigued, I was lazy, I convinced myself.

Eventually, I started looking at smaller parts of my life and tried to make tiny, easy improvements, rather than anything big.

And with each tiny improvement, and with each year, I started to feel like it was worth it. And like I deserved to have a life I was happy with, whether that met anyone else's expectations or not.

Look, I don't know what kind of crack my grandmother was on, but I couldn't keep a house like that. She had six kids and a job back in the 60s, and even at nearing 85 she would still get on her hands and knees and wash the floor. That place was always immaculate.

And that's just unrealistic. And unnecessary.

My mother was the polar opposite, and I grew up in a hoarding situation.

When I finally got out on my own, it took a while to figure it out, but I settled somewhere in the middle. The idea of keeping the house as clean as my grandmother made me want to actually off myself. I am not exaggerating. The idea was daunting and terrified me. I would rather lay down and give up than find the energy.

But the closer I got to my mother's situation, the more I hated myself, because look at how gross I was.

Here's the truth:

Fuck. Everyone.

Seriously. I swear to god, one day, a lightbulb is just going to go off, and you'll realize that you never should have cared in the first place what other people thought or expected.

My home is crowded but cozy. I no longer look around feeling overwhelmed and disgusted with myself. I do what I can and I celebrate every little step.

It's my home and I'm happy with it, and that is the only thing that matters.

Life is like my house. Live it only for yourself, and do what you can. Celebrate all of the things you do, regardless how small.

Even if you did nothing, it's still going to get better.

Imagine how much EXTRA better you can make it if you just take it in tiny, tiny steps.

Like exponential growth of better.

Feeling just slightly better today makes tomorrow feel better, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Plus, think of all the (insert animal you love) that'll you'll see.

#suicide mention #tw #positivity #ptsd #depression #anxiety #did #OSDD

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

We have talked about how rle family's reactions to their adopted baby beans, what about the opposite though? The beans and their respective faves?

Oooo so the opposite! That's interesting. Okay I'll go from most capable to least here.

Hazard is one of the few people that haven't completely forgotten how to care for kids as when he was adopted he was still in his traveler stage which means it was less then a year since he last worked in a daycare, so taking care of baby Gore and Glory wouldn't be all that stressful. Idk what kind of baby they'd be but I imagine they'd be insanely clingy. Double sided baby carrier while be used absolutely.

Kitten is another traveler though it has been a few years since he worked in the daycare. Less then ten but still. He wouldn't be bad at taking care of babies, he just wouldn't really know what he's doing with baby Greed. If Greed is a chaotic baby then that's going to be very not fun for him. He'd keep an eye on him and know generally things babies shouldn't play with but probably make a decent amount of mistakes due to just not knowing how to hold or handle a baby.

Void is like the second worst parent, he's only slightly better then Ghosty because he's more level headed. He doesn't remember ever working with kids or what to do with them, so he'd end up treating baby chaos like an adult- just a small one that needs to be carried. Like if he starts crying he'd try to comfort him how he'd comfort adult chaos, like patting him on the back and trying to reassure him about whatever he's sad about. If he doesn't know why he's crying he just holds him and rubs his back gently and hopes it makes him stop.

Ghosty would definitely use his bigger form for this, since while his tiny form takes up less energy it's also far too small to handle one potentially two babies. And he'd be completely fucking lost. It has been centuries since he worked in the daycare, most of the things he remembers about safety is just from when he was surviving in the woods alone which obviously doesn't apply to babies. He just walks around holding baby gluttony and envy under his arms like footballs. He's so forgetful so there's so many times where he leaves the room to do something, gets distracted, and like five minutes later realizes he's down a baby and panics trying to find them. He has no clue what things babies can't have so he just gives them whatever they want. If it's a lighter or a knife or whatever, if the baby wants it it must be something they can have. Babies know what they can and can't have, right?

#sams au #trapped forever au #crossover stuff

[queenhawke]

hey, i'm sorry if this is a weird question, but i'm wondering how you personally make gifsets? i wanted to make some basic ones for a post and i love the ones you make. thank you!!

yeah sure! here's my method:

First things first, I use Photoshop CC (a tooooootally legal version of course. so legal. so not pirated), and idk how to make gifs in other programs so uhhhh find a copy of Photoshop, if you don't have it already. Also I'm assuming you already have the video you want to gif somewhere (also gotten through entirely legal means, of course).

Also it's entirely possible there are better ways to gif, this is just how I do it! Lots of people use actions to streamline their process for instance, but I don't. So. There's that.

Anyway:

Clip the part of the video you want to gif

I personally use Microsoft's in-built program Clipchamp, because it's there and it can handle mkv files and output as mp4, but you can obviously use whatever program you like.

2. Import the video in Photoshop

Use File > Import > Video frames to layers

Select your clip. You now get this screen:

Select the part of the clip you want to turn into a gif. Keep in mind Tumblr's 10mb limit, so don't make the selection too long. If you do want a longer clip, and don't mind the gif looking a little less smooth, you can tick "Limit to every 2 frames" to cut down on the number of frames.

Click OK, and PS will convert the clip into layers. Make sure to have the timeline on (Window > Timeline)

Your workplace should now look like this:

3. Adjust the frame delay

Adjust the time between the frames by selecting all the frames in the timeline and clicking the little arrow in the bottom right of one of the frames.

I tend to set my frame delay to 0,05 seconds, but do whatever you like most!

4. Convert to video timeline

Convert the frame animation to a video timeline by clicking on the hamburger menu in the top right of the timeline and clicking "Convert to video timeline"

5. Convert the layers to a smart object

Select all the layers, right-click and select "Convert to smart object"

Cool, all your layers have now been converted into one video layer. Easier to work with.

6. Cropping

Crop the video to whatever size you want it to be (keeping in mind that 540px is the widest the tumblr dashboard goes). I'll crop this one to 540x350px.

7. Apply adjustment layers

Now apply adjustment layers to colour the gif to your liking (Layer > New Adjustment Layer). You can do this any way you like, but the adjustment layers I tend to use most are Levels, Curves and Vibrance

Here's a before and after.

But again, you can just go ham on this in whatever way you like. Just fuck around with the layers until it looks good to you!

8. Sharpening

Now it's time to sharpen the gif, to make it look extra crisp. Select the video layer and go to Filter > Smart sharpen and just fiddle with the settings until you're happy with it.

9. Text

I'm just gonna assume you know how to add text lmao. But to make that text stand out, go to the layer style by double clicking the layer and selecting Stroke and Drop shadow.

10. Saving

To save your gif, go to File > Export > Save for web (legacy)

Select gif and set the looping options to Forever.

Now, make sure to check whether your gif falls under tumblr's image limit of 10mb. This one is 9mb, so I probably should've cut it down a bit, but I like big gifs, sue me. If you don't want to cut the length of your gif (which you can very easily do with the timeline), you can also cut down on the amount of colours. I wouldn't go below 128 though, that just makes it look ugly lmao. But hey, the option is there.

Anyway, save the gif and you're done! You have made a gif!!

Hope this helps!!

#ask #anonymous

[fasterthanmydemons]

{out of breath} Alright folks, I know I'm getting on here late tonight, but it has not been a good day. I'll put some updates below a cut, but there's just a lot going on in my life right now that's not only taking away from time I have to write, but it's also leaving me without a lot of creativity or ability to concentrate. I would probably skip tonight if I could, because I'm exhausted and my focus is not really there to write, but I skipped last week, and will need to skip next week as well. So... I am here to do what I can tonight, but I apologize if it's a bit light. I'm doing the best I can, honestly. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but then I'm hoping maybe I can turn a corner and things will get better. Thank you for understanding, I know I've been absent a lot lately in recent months, but you've all been so supportive. Things will get better, I'm just not exactly sure when. <3

Okay so... for those who want to know what's going on... I found out this morning that I will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was anxiety-producing enough because I've never had surgery before in my life (unless you count wisdom teeth extraction), and people in my family rend to react poorly and dangerously to anesthesia. So I'm very anxious about this, and I've got a consultation with a surgeon next Monday to probably schedule a date to have this done in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm in a decent amount of pain, and I'm already on a restrictive diet that will likely become even more restrictive after surgery. I've been a comfort eater/baker all my life, that's my main coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, so this has been very damaging to my mental health to have my one go-to taken away.

While that was going on today, in the midst of calling doctors and making appointments and such, I've been working on a promotion package that's due the end of the week. I didn't want to apply for promotion because I don't really think I deserve it, but I also just want to keep things status quo. I'm fine with my job the way it is, and I don't need a promotion. But I've been informed that not applying may be one of the factors contributing to me potentially losing my job later this year, because I won't "seem ambitious enough." I'm just like... of course I'm not ambitious, I'm taking care of my grandmother, I've got health issues, I've got focus and memory issues post-Covid, yeah I just want things to stay the way they are. But I may lose my job if I don't show interest in advancement. So I've had to quickly write and gather everything to apply by Friday because I wasn't planning on doing it.

Then I found out today that the person I have to send all my promotion materials to, and one of two people who will be making the decision on whether or not I get promoted AND whether I keep my job going forward... is a woman who 1) stole my research in 2015 and rendered me unable to publish my own work because she stole it and published it first, and 2) got me laid off from my dream job in 2017 because she lied behind my back to the company we were conducting research for that I was no longer interested in the project, so that she could have all the project funding only for her lab. So I'm just like.... I am... so screwed. *sigh* My hope for keeping my job plummeted after that. That was my second panic attack of the day.

My third... was when I went out to get the mail, only to find out I've been summoned for jury duty. I mean seriously, life? Really? What the actual flippin' pancake?! I was like how am I going to manage this promotion application process, surgery, recovery, AND my students have their midterm this Friday and a forum assignment I have to grade the same day as my surgery consultation as well (the reason I have to skip this blog next week)... and then also add jury duty. After I calmed down, I went on the website and tried to do a medical deferral until the summer, when I would be between classes and hopefully over some of my health issues... which was thankfully accepted. So that at least has been resolved for the time being.

After that, I just... crashed so hard. I slept from 7PM to 11:30PM because the stress just hit hard. After dealing with some laundry that had been backing up, I am just now getting on here at 3AM, heh. So. That's. What's been going on. It's been... ALot™.

Once I have my surgery date, I'll know better when I have to go on hiatus for a bit, because I'll be in the hospital for a couple days with limited web access and then I'll be recovering at home, so I'm not sure how all of that is going to go. As soon as I know more, I'll let everyone know so that you'll know when I'll be gone and when I'm coming back.

Again, thank you for understanding. I'll be okay, it's just a seriously bad patch of life right now. This too shall pass, I know. I just wish it would hurry up, heh.

#{ out of breath } ᵒᵒᶜ

[kulekrizpy]

finally seeing progress in my depression after more than a decade has me a little dazed. i have been depressed for half my life or longer

but it also has me feeling so good about how relieved i am and how much energy i'm beginning to have that i'm getting ... excited about things again? like i can imagine my future because i can believe i will continue to have energy

this has been a series of realizing i have ADHD, going into therapy because i could tell something was very wrong, beginning to poke out my boundaries and learning to honor them, truly accepting that i don't know my brain as well as i thought i did and forgiving myself for that, getting medication, and finally getting exercise and sun consistently.

it has been less than a month since i started walking and i'm seeing a huge uptick in energy. i'm getting stronger and i WANT to feel stronger. because i want to be more active and not hurt myself doing it

the walks get a little longer, i get so much peace from being in nature. there's comfort and perspective in there that has me accepting my mortality in a way that was terrifying to me before. and it relaxes my anxiety so much

i couldn't even think as clearly as i am now. i was expending so much energy worrying! about a social fuckup, about losing my friends, despair about the world's state, money... i recognized and let go of people who didn't respect me. and now i don't have to worry about that. i have better things to do. i can say "no" without deliberating on it now. i can finally trust myself. i spent a long time sorting thru my feelings and how they aligned with reality, and now i know how to take a step back and assess. and all the extra energy goes to the things i actually have to do!

i don't care as much what others think now. perhaps it was from relying too much on others to fulfill my happiness. now that i've figured out ways to create my own happiness i have so much hope. i can enjoy being by myself because i'm learning how to appreciate doing all the small things. and i'm giving myself permission to be flexible. it was too overwhelming before to think beyond the plan i was fixating on

i know why it took me so long to get here. i had plenty of reasons to be fucked up, things that happened to me that i had no control over plus my brain chemistry and my inability to handle school. i had control issues that i worked hard not to put on other people and they got internalized as rigidity and self blame

at the point i was at, it even scared me to be wrong. but being wrong is okay. because you can't grow if you don't learn lessons thru your life. being wrong means you've learned something. does the shame of being wrong really supersede not having to deal with the problem in the future?

i also realized i need to work around my ADHD. give myself permission to do things differently so i could get started instead of being overwhelmed by the whole task

i just couldn't keep going the way i had been. it was untenable.

now i can find the root problems. for example:

i need to apply to jobs but i've been putting it off. why?

if i look in my email i'll see all the other things i have to deal with. anxiety-inducing

i'm not sure i have the energy to sort the emails AND look at jobs

solutions:

i have to look at some point. it probably won't be as bad as i'm worrying it will

if the whole task is too much energy i can break it up. better to get something done in two days than never. once i start i may want to finish too!

so, to address both of those things, today i'm gonna to make a folder and filter for the job emails so they are all in one place. tomorrow i'll be able to open the folder without looking at any other emails and just get started :)

now that i have a way to handle my basic tasks and the knowledge that i even CAN feel good and have the energy i need (something i think i had given up on long ago), i can see a future. i can see my way there. i don't have to be blinded and completely sapped by a single big task. i don't have to give other people a majority of my energy. i just needed to focus on me and take care of my body to give me the energy to Live. it's truly baffling to me. i wonder how much the medication is helping me... either way, i am an animal! i am connected to the earth!

now i know how to give my children the tools to get around this. and the level of responsibility i want to give them to feel in control of their own lives and actions. the flexibility to work around problems instead of trying to drill thru them. and i have the energy to want them. i can work my way there. i'm excited for it someday

but for now, i just have to keep doing the little things. keep rerouting my thinking and going outside

#personal #loooooong post