#i know aesthetics change over time but minimalism sucks

[iridessence]

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge myself and say that I am elated and proud to have manifested some of my major goals since 2018-2019. Basically before then, 2014-16 I struggled with depression and suicidal ideation quite frequently due to not having steady income, as jobs in retail seemed the only available and “safe” options, but long shifts standing at a registers or posts were damagingly hard on my body. In 2017 I got a desk job that set me on the path of financial stability and reduced physical load, which did absolute wonders for my mental health but it was an absolute blight to my existence over time due to terrible management and the usual corporate garbage. I knew that staying there was fine for a time but not sustainable in the long run, so change must come eventually.

also around then, I continued to explore self portraiture and personal style but I really wanted to perform/create Burlesque acts and book them, and invest in and actually have choreography/technique and beautiful costume pieces that looked like the visions refining themselves in my head through research. I was also perpetually struggling in the dating sphere with the deficit of romantic fulfillment that I deeply wanted. and while they weren’t hostile, things were definitely weird with my family (dysfunctional, literal small town energy, upset that I didn’t want to be around them more in the suburbs but lots of interpersonal toxicity and lack of emotional growth).

I knew that in the coming years I wanted to…

quit my soul sucking job and set out to be a full-time or at least professional level burlesque performer, creating the qualitative and classic show girl acts I dream to see on stage

work on the floor at a boutique or mom-and-pop type shop that sells goods or services that are interesting to me, especially aesthetically, such as an antique shop or a jewelry boutique etc., but a place where I could sit intermittently as needed for my physical disability. Also, ideally it would be a position where I could express myself through style at my choosing and it would be received well, and also my hours would not be very early or very late.

find a loving and supporting partner who I could lavish equal amounts of love and support on to, live with and hopefully marry

Achieve/maintain financial stability enough that I have a reduced risk for homelessness and sometimes treat myself to things that I enjoy.

Figure out why the relationship with my family was such a struggle and do things within my power and desire to fix it.

In a world that isn’t a corporate machine devoid of empathy, none of that seems like a tall order to ask… but I live in America so… It took some time, but I’m starting to see the fruits and returns. Honestly sometimes things feel like a blur and I’m not exactly sure I could say there was a huge system to what I did overtime to make it work, but I know the work was there.

As of today, September 9, 2023:

I am a respected professional burlesque performer with costumes I figuratively gag over and acts that come closer and closer to hitting the aesthetic nail on the head for what I want to embody. (I quit that shitty desk job at the beginning of 2019 and haven’t looked back since. Sent a whole ass company wide message with a long and detailed “fuck you” too.😂🙈)

i’ve managed through burlesque, social media work, donations and savings, and —since the global pandemic—,odd jobs and grants/minimal loans, to continuously pay rent and ward off homelessness 

I live with the love of my life, to whom I am engaged and actively planning our wedding (we looked at a venue yesterday!)

I’ve helped my mom on the growth of her emotional intelligence and commitment to learning more about values under the race, gender, and sexuality umbrella, as well pushed her to examine the enabling and entitlement dynamics with her adult children that take advantage of her. While my relationship with my brother and sister is not great, my relationship with my mom has been steadily getting better since the pandemic. we had a breakthrough at the beginning of this year where she acknowledged and apologized for guilt tripping me for not being around the family more, when I was (she quoted) “actually protecting myself like she should have been.”

and litcherally within the past week I was offered the job at a local boutique I interviewed with a year ago and didn’t get, and I signed an offer letter to begin work within the month. 

To say I’m happy with the way things look right now is an understatement. The world still terrifies me, but I have no choice but to carve out a sliver of its beautiful experiences for myself, and I am doing just that. It may not be perfection, but it’s pretty damn good and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way and make it even better. I am living my ancestors' wildest dreams!!

for anyone reading who might be struggling right now to make things work, I hope you hold on to hope that it can get better. A beautiful life is possible even on this hell scape, even for the marginalized.

#text post #life #faq #long post #well long-ish

[andiwriteordie]

andi !! for my valentine’s day gift this year i am humbly requesting will helping teacher! mike decorate his classroom for valentine’s day <3 (+ bonus points if this is pre-relationship and they spend the whole time flirting before one of them works up the nerve to ask the other if they have any plans,,, slides this slowly across the table)

suni suni suni teacher!mike is so personal to me so thank you SO much for this. also will being flirty and mike getting flustered is also everything to me, so have some of that too.

—

3: abc, 123 (baby, you and me).

Mike Wheeler’s a pretty damn good teacher.

Alright, look. Here’s the thing: Mike knows he’s a damn good teacher. There’s a reason why he’s one of Principal Tennyson’s favorite teachers, despite the fact that he’s only been at Hawkins Elementary for about four years now. Being a kindergarten teacher is not for the faint of heart, especially when Mike teaches in a school district full of rich, snooty parents who think their kids deserve special treatment on a constant basis. 

But hey, somehow, Mike has managed to get through the last few years with very minimal complaints from said rich, snooty parents, and even better, he’s also managed to make genuine connections with his kids.

So, yeah. Mike’s a damn good teacher, and he’s not afraid to remind his boss of that when it comes time for his annual comp review.

But there is one thing that Mike absolutely sucks at in the realm of teaching.

Decorating his fucking classroom.

Ugh. Okay, so when you’re in college and preparing to be an elementary school teacher, they literally teach you how to make the cute bulletin boards and decorations and stuff, right? Yeah, well, Mike hated every single one of those presentations. Absolutely hated them. His worst grades in college were the stupid bulletin boards he had to make. 

The content was fine. The aesthetic? Yeah, not so much.

And unfortunately, some things never change, and even though Mike has been a teacher for the last four years of his life, he still can’t for the life of him figure out how to create an aesthetically pleasing classroom by himself for the life of him. For the longest time, his best friend, Max, would come over and help him kind of make the classroom look pretty. Max is no artist either though, even if she’s a little better at making things look nice than Mike is.

But then, this past December, Max just had to accept a new job and move across the country to be closer to the guy she’s been dating for a year or so now. Ugh. Traitor.

So, that’s exactly how Mike finds himself here, on fucking February 1st, at approximately 8 PM at night, desperately trying to redecorate his classroom for Valentine’s Day. 

In Mike’s defense, Valentine’s Day isn’t for another two weeks, thank you very much. But all the other teachers in the school have already decorated for Valentine’s Day, and if Mike gets one more stupid, passive aggressive comment from stupid fucking Brenda or her evil twin, Tammy, he’s gonna end up losing his job.

Ugh.

“Are you kidding me?” Mike groans, and he falls backwards onto the floor, letting the stupid pink construction paper heart fall onto his head. It’s rather ironic that he’s a kindergarten teacher and responsible for teaching twenty-five kids how to color inside the lines and cut paper properly and other stuff like that, since Mike didn’t even go to kindergarten and can’t cut in a straight line for shit.

The woes of being an “academically gifted” child.

Mike sighs heavily, and he closes his eyes, lying on the floor and questioning every single moment in his life that led him to this moment. Maybe he’s being overdramatic, but Mike doesn’t really care. Right now, he’s hungry, tired, and ready to go home. 

Teaching shouldn’t be this hard. Seriously. How is it that Mike can deal with little Riley Jones throwing up all over his brand new pair of shoes or Kimmy Harris screaming at the top of her lungs and picking a fight for the first month of this year, but somehow Mike can’t decorate his stupid fucking classroom? Why on God’s green earth is so bad at making things look nice—

“Mike?”

Mike flinches sharply, and he startles, sitting up quickly at sudden intrusion. Much to his surprise, Will Byers, of all people, is standing in his doorway, an amused (and admittedly adorable) smile on his face.

…

Okay, so look.

Here’s the thing.

Will Byers… is the new art teacher at Hawkins Elementary. Their old art teacher, Sandy, had retired at the end of the year, and though Will had been hired pretty early on into the school year, he’s only just started working at the school. 

And um… well… you see… Will is really, really good-looking.

Like really good-looking.

Quite possibly the most gorgeous and also the kindest person Mike has ever met in his life. 

For starters, Will has the prettiest eyes—a warm shade of hazel that looks green in certain lighting, Mike has noticed. His smile is pretty too—soft and sweet and perfect for his personality. He’s got fluffy, brown hair, and maybe Mike shouldn’t think this about his coworker for God’s sake, but he thinks he’d really like to run his hands through Will’s hair and pull him close and kiss him stupid and—

Ahem.

Um, yeah. So, that’s… that’s Will Byers. He’s great, and Mike has been meaning to get to know him more—not even necessarily in a romantic way. The two of them are some of the only male teachers at Hawkins Elementary, and they’re among the youngest here at this school. It makes sense that they’d become friends. 

Life’s just been absolutely crazy these past few weeks, so Mike unfortunately hasn’t gotten around to that.

“Will!” Mike exclaims, and he winces at the way his voice comes out as a little, panicked squeak. Warmth rises to Mike’s cheeks, and he offers a sheepish smile to his coworker. “Hey, um… what’re you still doing here?”

The smile on Will’s face grows, and he shrugs. “I could ask you the same thing,” he points out; then, his eyes flicker to the construction paper surrounding Mike. “I’m guessing you’re decorating your classroom though?”

“Ugh.” Mike scrunches his nose, picking up a few of the sad little paper hearts and letting them fall dramatically back onto the ground. “I’m trying to, at least. It’s going great, if you can’t tell.” 

A soft laugh escapes Will’s lips, and oh God, Mike’s heart does a little somersault. Will walks into Mike’s classroom, sitting down across from Mike, and he offers a smile. “Not a fan of arts and crafts, huh?” he guesses.

“Not all of us can be artists, Byers,” Mike replies easily, and a crooked grin forms on Will’s face. “I like every other part of teaching, but decorating my classroom? It makes me wonder why I didn’t just stick with being a Business major like my dad wanted.”

Again, Will just laughs, reaching for some of the construction paper on the ground. “I don’t know you very well yet,” he admits, “but you definitely don’t seem like the kind of person who’d enjoy working in business.”

A couple things stand out about Will’s response:

He says business the way that Mike’s kindergarteners say things like… homework or broccoli or other things that they hate, and Mike can’t help but grin. He’s liking Will more and more with each second that passes.

… Yet.

Will definitely said “yet,” and okay, Mike probably shouldn’t read too much into this, but also, he can’t help himself. His heart may or may not be pounding inside his chest, and his cheeks may or may not be burning up right now, and he may or may not be trying to stop smiling like a total idiot.

“I would’ve hated business,” Mike agrees, and he leans against his desk, scrunching his nose again at the mess of decorations sitting on the floor. “But at least businessmen don’t stay late at their jobs trying to decorate their offices for a stupid Hallmark holiday.”

“No, they just stay late at their jobs to crunch numbers and avoid their wives and children,” Will deadpans, and Mike just snorts. 

“Way to describe my dad in a nutshell,” Mike deadpans in return.

That playful grin returns to Will’s face, and he looks pleased at his ability to make Mike laugh. “Are you really planning on staying here until you have your entire classroom finished?” Will asks incredulously.

Mike winces, looking around at his classroom—which, admittedly… is about 10% decorated for Valentine’s Day. “Maybe,” he says, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean… I’ll probably end up coming back tomorrow and Sunday, but I wanted to finish as much of it as I can tonight.”

Will purses his lips, and he looks around the room again, a thoughtful look on his face. “You’re gonna need some help,” he decides, finally turning to Mike and smiling brightly. “And luckily for you… I’m pretty good at arts and crafts.”

Another playful smile—which most definitely makes Mike’s heart skip a beat and his stomach do a silly little somersault. “You don’t have to,” Mike reassures, though he really likes the idea of spending the entire weekend with Will Byers. “I’d feel bad making you help me out—”

“You could always make it up to me,” Will blurts out, and Mike just blinks.

For a moment, the two of the stare back at each other, and Mike watches as a rosy (and adorable) blush forms on Will’s face. He seems to register the fact that he just said that aloud, and Mike doesn’t really know Will Byers that well yet… 

But he gets the feeling that Will might just be as interested in Mike as Mike is in Will.

A slow smile forms on Mike’s own face. His cheeks are burning right now, and not for the first time, he feels like a kid with a kindergarten crush. “I could,” Mike says softly, meeting Will’s eyes. “What’d you have in mind?”

Though Will’s face most definitely gets redder, he smiles at Mike again, his eyes going soft. “Dinner, maybe,” he suggests, still playful and soft. “A movie, if you’re interested.”

The inside of Mike’s head feels like the movie Inside Out, with all of his emotions running around in a panicked, flustered mess, and okay, look, maybe it’s embarrassing to admit at the ancient age of twenty-four (almost twenty-five) years old, but Mike’s not sure he’s ever felt this giddy and excited around someone.

There’s just something about Will Byers—something incredibly special that makes Mike feel like this… this could be something real.

“I’m definitely interested,” Mike says with a smile of his own, and he gestures to the Valentine’s Day themed decorations around them. “Getting a headstart on Valentine’s Day, huh?”

“Something like that,” Will laughs, and his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Then, he sets the construction paper in his hands down and stands up. “Come on. Let’s grab dinner, then we can come back and knock out a couple of your bulletin boards.”

He holds his hand out to Mike, and Mike’s heart—stupid organ that it is—feels all fluttery again. He can’t help but smile again, and he takes Will’s hand, letting the other man help him up. 

“Dinner sounds like a good idea,” Mike agrees softly, feeling all too aware of how Will’s hand lingers in his for longer than it needs to. “You’re the best, you know that, right?”

An amused look forms on Will’s face as the two of them walk out of the classroom, and he glances back at Mike. “You don’t know me that well yet,” he says, a bit teasing.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re about to change that,” Mike retorts, just as playful, and Will just smiles.

“Yeah,” he agrees softly, “it’s a really good thing.”

For a moment, Will’s eyes linger on Mike’s own, and warmth rises to Mike’s cheeks again. The two of them stay there, out in the hallways of Hawkins Elementary, for what feels like a little eternity; then finally, Will clears his throat and glances away.

“I’m kinda craving pizza,” he suggests. “You cool with that?”

“Pizza sounds great,” Mike agrees, and Will smiles again, walking down the hallway. “I can drive us. I know a good place.”

“Perfect,” Will says softly, and he glances back at Mike one more time, a softness in his eyes.

The words go unspoken, but somehow, they don’t go unsaid.

It’s a date.

#byler #byler ficlet #andi writes not dies

[kpop-hive]

NSFW A-Z Analysis| K. Yeosang

A = Aftercare 💋

His aftercare is very moderate. He’s not a caregiver like Yunho, but he will make sure your basic needs are taken care of before he sleeps. His one hack is to have anything that you need prepared right there on the nightstand. Wipes, your favorite snack, water, aspirin, and some clean sheets, only to hurry up and change before his sleepiness catches up with him.

B = Body Part 🫀

Yeosang has really been developing over the last few months so it’s safe to say his muscles. You always compliment him on how good they look and he loves the feeling of your hands gripping onto them when you two have sex. On you, he loves your lips. He loves how plump they are and how they look so good when you kiss his body, or suck him off, and if you really wanna make him weak wear red lipstick and he’s yours.

C = Cum 💦

Yeosang prefers to cum in you, but always tries to hide that he likes it messy. His favorite place to cum is in your mouth or on your lips. He just feels like the idea is too lewd for him to admit, but when you beg for him, he can never resist you and you always notice how turned on he gets when his cum drips off your lips.

D = Dirty Secret 🤫

He wants to film you guys having sex. He loves the idea and aesthetic of how hot the both of you look and wants to capture it on film. He wouldn’t want to post it because he knows how smart and quick witted the atinys are, but would still film it nonetheless. He just keeps thinking about the tape falling into the wrong hands and it would be the end of his career which is why he hasn’t taken too much of the effort to do it.

E = Experience 🕊

He has little to no experience whatsoever, you were the one to actually teach him most of what he knows. He picked up really fast on how to please you and what he likes to were he now seems like he’s been a whore and it was all thanks to your teaching, and maybe some of Wooyoung’s recommended amateur porn videos.

F = Favorite Position 💃🏽

He loves any position where you’re on your back. Especially when he fucks you with your legs in the air, it makes Yeosang feel powerful and loves the whimpers you let out when he hits your spot. When your on your back it makes it easier for his cock to reach you in different angles.

G = Goofy 😂

Serious as a dying person. Yeosang is super serious during sex and it’s mainly because he loves to concentrate on you at all times. Since he wasn’t that experienced to begin with, he always wants to do good for you even if that means that he can barely ever crack a smile.

H = Hair 🪒

Yeosang grooms himself really well, he tries to sculpt himself like a Greek god lol. He mainly likes having minimal hair to showcase his dick, and with a small amount of hair, he feels like his dick is huge. It is.

I = Intimacy 💍

Yeosang can be intimate, he’s just embarrassed. He’s always doubting himself when it comes to the intimate aspect. He feels so much better telling you that he loves you rather than doing acts of love. It’s just his love language, but it’s cute when he leans down to whisper that he loves you and kisses your ear right after.

J = Jack Off 🍆

Loves to hide that he jacks off when you are away, he always plays it off like he doesn’t and it’s hilarious. If we’re telling the truth, he usually jacks off about 2-3 times a week. There was one “incident” where you actually caught him masturbating and it was really hot, you couldn’t even keep your composure before pouncing on him. Only one who was really surprised was Yeosang when you freaked him out though.

K = Kinks 🌟

Marking is his number one favorite. He loves to give and receive marking. He loves how beautiful they look on the his and your skin and it’s now incorporated into one of the main foreplays. It’s not really a kink , but kissing is a good one that he loves. He definitely likes it when you kiss other parts of his body instead of his lips. He’s a sucker for when you kiss his eye birthmark during intimate moments. Lastly, he is into breeding. This one kinda surprised you, but it made sense as soon as he would try to put a pillow underneath your back and thrust into you very slow and deep trying to release in you and breed you. When you questioned him about it he told you, and you always thought it was nice because he was expanding his kinks even more.

L = Location ✈️

Yeosang loves the bed, but he can also be very sneaky which is why he has multiple favorite places. The bed, car, pool, shower, and backstage dressing room just to name a few. He can be pretty experimental when it comes down to finding places to fuck, it just depends on his intuition. One place he would love to have sex at again is the beach both in the water and sand.

M = Motivation 🏆

Anything where you show him some love and affection. Just a simple makeout with some “I love you’s” thrown around will make him hard. Another way is any type of exposed skin. Wear something sexy and revealing, and he will be ready to fuck you.

N = NO 🥀

Yeosang has a lot of no’s that he wouldn’t want to do anything majorly degrading, no extreme pain like knife play, blood play, etc. He has a lot of no’s and would never try them on either of you because he just feels like it would mentally damage him.

O = Oral 🦋

It took him a while to get used to giving oral. You had to guide him a little bit on the basics but as soon as he began to practice in your spare time on boring days, man was all for eating you out. He loves the sounds you make because of him, and is really eager to make you cum. He can’t say that he likes it more than receiving, but it’s up there with it like 55% to 45%. Now on the receiving side, Yeosang lives for your lips wrapped around his cock. He loves how ready you are to please him, and he loves letting you know how much he enjoys it. Those deep strangled moans are enough to have you clenching, and if you wear matte red lipstick, be prepared because he loves seeing it smeared as he fucks your throat. 🥵

P = Pace 🏃

Yeosang loves to switch paces depending on the mood. He uses his sensual hips to and advantage, he’s not one of Ateez’s main dancers for nothing. On loving nights he loves to go slow and deep, making you feel every inch of him. On more hot and teasing nights, he he starts slow and pulls out before drilling back into you, and on rough nights, he goes h a r d. Not letting up on you for nothing.

Q = Quickie ✨

Not a fan of quickies but won’t say no all the time. It depends on the time and place for Yeosang to agree to a quickie. If it involves a huge risk where you guys are at the possibility of being seen or walked in on, no way, but if you both know where a more isolated place is, then he’s all in. One of the best quickies you guys had was when you snuck into a closet at a crowed party and blocked the door, despite many people trying to get in, you guys were lucky that the people decided to give up.

R = Risk 🔥

He’s not a risk taker. He believes that you should tread lightly in your sexual life, and never do anything that you’ve haven’t done proper research on. His biggest fear is hurting you or putting you in danger and if those two things can happen, he’s not doing it.

S = Stamina ⏳

Great stamina, and he’s very proud of it. He’s grateful that he’s a dancer/performer so that he can have tons of energy. He usually consists of 2 long rounds before passing out, but on rough nights he does about 3-4.

T = Toys 🧸

He doesn’t have many toys, and doesn’t like them tbh. You have only one toy and it’s a really powerful vibrator that you use when Yeosang is away. He knows you have it and has seen you on some occasions with you using it. He wants to see you do it in front of him knowingly because he thinks it’s hot, but is too shy to ask.

U = Unfair ⚡️

Can be unfair to a certain extent, but is overall really fair, he is only unfair when he’s teasing you, but you know he always means well, and there’s no issues in a little teasing.

V = Volume 😫

Yeosang is usually quiet unless he’s really horny, and I’m talking, I can��t wait till we get to the bedroom horny, but when he is, deep moans and pants. He also lets out these strangled moans, and they’re really hot especially when you see his Adam’s Apple move.

W = Wild Card 👻

Yeosang had one of your legs hoisted up on his shoulder as he pounded into you. Your fucked out expression was very becoming as his pace never slowed. His muscles were very prominent as he gripped your leg and hip tightly as he leaned down, nearly folding you in half. As your body began to jolt, Yeosang’s pace began to get sloppy, your pussy clenching as hard as you could as you released. “Yes, yes, yes!” You squealed. As he neared his peak, you passionately locked lips with him as he came inside you riding out his high. Once finished he pulled back staring deep into your eyes before asking, “Babe, I wanna go again.” He whispered.

X = X-Ray 💀

Yeosang has a really pretty dick like you can’t change my mind. Longer than average, average girth and it’s enough to have you wanting more and those are the facts of life, plus there’s a pic of his bulge in tight pants, but let’s not get into details, just know that your world will be rocked by Yeosang.

Y = Yearning 🍃

Yeosang yearns just like any other guy his age, he loves being with you in intimate positions and overall he wants to be with you when you both have the time. He always makes sure to make time for you in his free time.

Z = ZZZ 💤

Yeosang will call it in for the night when he needs to. Man will be knocked out after his rounds, and it’s always funny to you. Like this man sleeps in so many weird positions, but he always sleeps so peacefully, but it’s also adorable because when he wakes up in the morning, he feels bad for neglecting you so he will either turn over and wrap his arms around you, or move your body on top of his just so you two can feel close before he drifts back to sleep.

#kpop #kpop smut #ateez #ateez smut #kang yeosang #kang yeosang smut #kang yeosang imagines #ateez oneshot #atz yeosang #atz smut #ateez scenarios #ateez x reader #ateez x y/n #ateez x you #yeosang smut #ateez drabbles #atz #atz oneshot #atz drabbles #atz imagines #atz x reader #atz scenarios #masterlist #kpop masterlist #kpop fluff #kpop angst #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez reactions #ateez yeosang

[ackerfics]

levi who's fascinated with the way you apply makeup on yourself and watches you every time you do it, surprisingly does well when you tell him to do your makeup just for fun

i am one of those people who have no idea about applying makeup but i'm levi when somebody's doing it tho, especially if that someone is a close friend of mine snjdnwjnw i just stare at them while they continue doing their thing, it's so fricking satisfying <3

but this is levi we're talking about so here we go:

(pls don't attack me for what i write in this bc i absolutely have no idea abt doing makeup. my knowledge in this is very limited and revolves around watching youtube videos and watching my friends do it bdwjwbj)

if you're planning on going out, even if it's a natural makeup look since you're only hanging out with some old friends or preparing for your class (online or not), levi is ready to stop what he's doing to appreciate the colors you paint over your eyelids or how you blend them so well until they become this aesthetic levi associates you with. for him, you're already so pretty without makeup but when you dedicate your time in perfecting your craft, creating so many looks, levi thinks that it enhances your beauty because you look so adorable while working so hard.

he admires that about you.

you are rummaging in your pouch in your shared apartment's dining table, the morning sunlight filtering through the windows and the pink skies blanketing the waking-up city. the smell of french toast and tea covers the entire space, levi cooking breakfast for the day. you have an online class scheduled in about thirty minutes and after going out of the bathroom, you instantly start making yourself look presentable. you have your laptop opened to your camera app as your mirror, deciding that a change of scenery is perfect for your productivity. you pick up your vitamin c dropper and moisturizer and let the low music from levi's phone fill in the background, your hums mingling with the singer's voice. since all of your classes were announced to be set online for the whole year, you opt for a lighter look which still covers the blemishes that your camera can't hide.

you hear a plate click on the spot beside your laptop, a mug of your favorite brew of coffee on your cat coaster appearing soon after.

"what time is your first class?" levi asks you as he's settling in his chair adjacent to yours. he always chooses that seat wherever you two eat since as he claims it, i want you close to me.

you look up from rubbing the moisturizer on your skin. "oh, 7 a.m., i chose the worst time to take that class."

levi sips on his tea. "you have economics, right?"

you begrudgingly nodded. "i know it sucks but i can't do anything about it." you run your fingers over your eyes. "damn, i have dark eye circles." after putting on your primer, you start by putting on concealer on your under-eyes, dabbing on your skin gently. the whole day, you'll be lounging and doing work inside the comforts of your shared apartment with your boyfriend so going overboard with the makeup won't help and will be a lot of work to erase later after your classes. "what time is your class, levi?"

by now, levi's breakfast is forgotten as he leans on his chair, gray eyes following each of your movements. he always find himself captivated with how effortlessly you make yourself even prettier. even though he prefers your bare skin more (placing random kisses on your cheeks or the corners of your lips are more doable without the feeling of cream stuck on his lips), he still likes how makeup turns you into an artist that uses your face as a blank canvas. he watches with awed eyes how you daintily dab your cream blush over your cheeks and over you the bridge of your nose, blending it that levi thought it's a natural glow on your skin.

with a dazed tone, he answers, "nine."

you glance at him with the prettiest eyes he ever find on a person. you sigh when you realize that he woke up early to make breakfast. "i can cook breakfast, you know. you should've slept in today, levi."

levi shakes his head, sipping on his tea. "no, i'd rather wake up early and make breakfast every day than snuggle alone with our pillows." he then shrugs. "besides, watching you do your morning routine is a great way to start the day."

you only smile at him before cutting a piece of french toast and putting it in your mouth. a hum of satisfaction lights up your face. levi's way of cooking traditional breakfast dishes never fails to amaze you. he has these secrets that even you don't know of since he wants to cook for you with surprises sometimes. with half of your french toast consumed, you continue with your eyebrows and eye makeup, which only consists of applying one shade of eyeshadow and putting on mascara.

if levi has a favorite part of your routine, it's you curling your eyelashes and applying mascara on them to make your eyes more noticeable. and as he watches you create the illusion that your eyelashes longer than they are, he can't prevent the blissful sigh coming out of his lips. it catches your attention and the moment your eyes meet with his, levi's cheeks start to warm. that pretty smile that always take his breath away greets his vision, making him shy under your gaze.

"like what you see, babe?" you jokingly ask.

after staring on his untouched french toast like they're worth displaying in a museum, levi looks back to you with half-lidded eyes. "very much, baby."

now, you're the one with flaming cheeks. the little moment turns into something that induces a laugh from levi, with you huffing that your heart sometimes can't take his words. you go back to finishing your french toast before applying your flavored chapstick, levi's loving stare never faltering, lasting even when you have your first class of the day.

every once in a while, you hand levi your makeup pouch with an expectant stare. the first time you did this to him, he couldn't comprehend what your intention is at first until you tell him that you want him to be the one doing your makeup this time. he nearly backs out. he's scared of poking your eyes out but you reassure him that he will never do that.

for a person who never imagined himself in this position, the ending result becomes your favorite look. not because it's levi but because he did it so minimally that it appeals to you.

"this is for your face, right?" levi softly asks, lifting your moisturizer. he's sitting close to you, inches separating your faces. he's saying that it makes him see clearer but you know that he's being clingy without saying anything. "i just want to make sure i'm using the right products."

"levi, sweetheart," you laugh under your breath, "i already laid out everything on our bed. and in order. you got this."

he sighs. "you have another minute to think this through. we're meeting with the others in the club and i can't have you looking like my coloring book when i was three."

you place your hands over his cheeks. "relax, levi, you'll do fine!"

"fine."

opening the moisturizer, he keeps glancing at you to check if he's putting the right amount on your skin. once the small dots of cream are on your face, levi takes a deep breath and gently rubs it to cover your skin. despite having blemishes, levi thinks that your skin feels so soft underneath his calloused fingers. he'll caress your cheeks the whole day if not for your supposed call time which is in forty minutes. a sigh brushes on your face, levi cursing erwin for making them come on time. once he finishes rubbing your moisturizer on your face, he nods in approval, and kisses your lips quickly before moving on to the next step which is the primer.

you are admiring levi the whole time his face scrunches up in concentration. you're holding your laugh back when you see his lips curling in distaste, having applied more than your instructed amount. you're looking at him with a soft stare, your small smile fondly lifts up your lips. his eyes are a beautiful shade of silver, blue tones peeking through, and it makes your heart warm. his skin glows under the overhead lights of your shared bedroom, smooth to the touch. there are no words left to speak --- levi is simply the most beautiful person gracing your life, the definition of pretty and handsome combined together.

"okay, i'm starting your eyes now."

you didn't register that he's finished with applying concealer and blush on your cheeks.

levi turns to the opened palette sitting on the towel-covered duvet. "which shade are you feeling right now?"

with a cheeky grin, you answer, "how about you surprise me."

"... if i hear one complain from you later, you can always catch a ride with four-eyes on the way back."

levi eyes a specific palette with oranges and browns and starts winging it. if someone looks from the sidelines, levi looks like he's ready to murder someone. his eyes are narrowed, bottom lip in between in teeth, and face scrunched in peak concentration. he starts with that shimmery dark peach eyeshadow he finds pretty on you, then continuing with something darker on the outside corners of your eyes. one eye lasts for ten minutes but you understand since this is levi's first time applying makeup on a person. you can feel his breath tickling your face since he has scooted closer to you to perfect this.

"okay, i'm done, what's next?"

"liquid eyeliner."

that alone makes levi stop.

"then it's the mascara. your favorite part."

"... you do the eyeliner. i don't want you going blind because of me."

in short, levi is phenomenal with makeup and he doesn't even know it.

#rorytalks #anons 💌🥰 #this makes me want to have a partner ffs #another one of rory's reflections while writing fics hdqhdhw #levi x you #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi x reader #levi attack on titan #levi ackerman x you #levi ackerman x reader #levi #levi ackerman #aot #snk #snk x y/n #aot x reader #shingeki no kyojin #modern au #makeup moments with levi that make my heart go #🦋✨🦋✨ #this is unedited #so i might go back to this later JXJHAW

[kissmetae]

Hope

❧ AU: x Taehyung || Friends to Lovers (Lowkey slow-burn)

You felt distressed, caught up in your own emotions and confused by your over-thought thoughts. Going through a rough patch as some would say, where everything felt hopeless and you found yourself scrolling pinterest till 1am looking for "angsty" core aesthetics to fit your new "vibe" of life. But it was easier said than done to dig yourself a hole when your best friend constantly stood by filling the hole back up as you dug in an attempt to stop you, help you and make you feel better, despite having his own issue to deal with... his crush on you.

|| ANGST + SMUT | 11k | x reader | masterlist in bio ||

❧ Disclaimer: This is fiction. Actions and events in these stories are often exaggerated and to a certain degree unrealistic.  Please have this in consideration when reading fiction, especially if it includes sexual content.

❧ Rating: EXPLICIT || sexual content, unprotected sex ||  Warnings: mention of feeling hopeless, "deep reflection", (reader is troubled by something going on in their life but it's open for interpretation/unspecified)

❧ Smut features: Vanilla, desperate, first time together, unprotected, reassuring/concent asking/'checking in' (is this ok? Does it feel good?) top!Tae and a power outage.

How do you know when you've reached the complete state of hopelessness? Do people ever become 100% hopeless? You inhaled deeply and sighed it out. Gaze to the white ceiling, back on the bed and legs up against the wall. The tingle in your feet from the lack of circulation made them look somewhat less alive and feel cold. With a tilt of the hips you allowed your legs to slowly fall to the side, forming a new pose in the shape of a 90 degree angle on the bed and allowing for the less zombie-ish color to return to your feet. Hopelessness. Feeling like there is no point yet still stubbornly aching in the inner crevice of the head with a wish for there to be a chance for something else. A change, a plot twist a sudden eureka to make the entire world loose it's zombie color pallet and become lively and vibrant again. Hope. Or a wish for hope. It's probably some basic programming, like survival instinct, hope instinct. But at this point you didn't want to believe. You wanted to be grumpy, upset, frustrated. To curse society and curse what isn't fair and curse all the norms and expectations around you regardless of who made them up! Curse the media, curse the mold for perfect and the lip filler ads, curse the restrictions planted by your own beliefs and curse the cause of said belief! But feeling frustrated and angry is hard. Not only is it exhausting but it's the hardest emotion to let out fully and feel satisfied by after. If anything anger and frustration feels like a self-fueling fire that keeps burning more and more until you get exhausted and slump down on the bed with your legs up the wall. Crying would've been easier. You sat up, feeling a brief spin in the head due to your advanced modelling poses and reached for your water bottle. Water, Zen, calm rivers, refreshment, sound of clucking water in the harbor... rain. You turned towards your bedroom window at the sudden raging pattering sound outside. Even the sky needed to cry today. You reached for your phone, having it be faced down for the past hour or so after giving up on ranting about your dilemma to your friend. You had two types of friends. Those who were there for you when convenient and those who were there for you regardless. Taehyung was one of them. 3 missed calls. 15 texts- make that 16. A sting of guilt washed through realizing he must've been worried sick the past hour. Too exhausted to use your vocal chords you opened the text chat. Taehyung was the definition personified of a caring person. Sometimes to the extent where you'd question if it was more than anyone deserved. Did the world deserve Taehyung? You didn't make it through the second text before your doorbell rang followed by a loud bang. It sounded urgent... You got up from bed and slipped your feet into your white fluffy slippers and made your way to the front door of your apartment. You unhooked the clasp and unlocked your door to see one of the rainstorm's victims dripping water onto your doormat. Taehyung, Dressed in a green raincoat and hair clinging to his forehead and temples. His chest was rising unnaturally with his attempts to regain his breathe. "Tae-" He stepped in, an arm wrapping around your side and the other pressing your head to his wet shoulder. "If you didn't make me so worried... I would've removed my raincoat before hugging you." He squeezed. "See this as my revenge." His heart was beating fast. He pulled back after a few seconds, breathing stable and his red hands reaching to unbutton his raincoat. Did he not wear gloves? He pulled the door shut behind him and gently kicked off his boots. Apparently not. "I'll... go hang your raincoat in the bathroom for it to dry" you said, taking it from him. He was quick to address the elephant. "Why didn't you reply to my texts?" He followed behind you. "I... I left my phone to charge and I got distracted..." you made up, hanging his raincoat up in the shower. "I didn't come here to scold you, but when you tell me you're feeling hopeless, you get that it makes me worried right?" His voice was gentle and he looked at you with concerned eyes, stood in the door to the bathroom. Actually.... you didn't. Why would anyone worry... everyone seemed to always take it as nihilistic comedy or something and swat it away with something along the lines of "you’re just hungry" or the classic "are you on your period?" Maybe you were or maybe you weren't but why would that matter? Just thinking about it made you feel annoyed. As if any deep emotion only was caused by a period, it's just a period, why would anyone, let alone someone with a period themselves ask someone else that in a way that minimizes the reason they feel upset or angry or whatever emot- "Hey?" Taehyung pulled you back out from inside your head. "I don't know..." He crossed his arms over his chest and you knew that look far too well. "We'll talk about it, but right now, I'm here to make it better and take care of you. Did you eat?" You shook your head. "Great! Because I stopped by at the shop on my way... before the rain attacked me and picked up some stuff, including~" he said with an eager tone and walked towards the grocery bag you hadn’t noticed until now. He picked it up and dug his hand in for something. "Du du du du" he sang dramatically and slowly pulled out the familiar dark blue packaging. The love of your life, the source of all things good. Chocolate. The good one! Not the weird orange wrapping one you hated, but the blue one, the holy blue one, your favorite one. "I remember your frustration when you saw the empty shelf of horror last week and it was restocked today so i picked up three just in case." "THREE?!" "Mhm!" He nodded proudly. You could cry, finally, but for other reasons. "TaeTae you're the best." You walked towards him, hugging him tight. He was the bestest of the best, the hero, the savior, chocolate delivery man. Oh what would life be without him. A blush spread across his cheeks. "You did it again." He said shyly "Hm? Did what?" "You called me TaeTae." "You don't like it?" "... I do." -- Taehyung had you stationed at the kitchen table while he cooked. With a focused gaze he scrolled on his phone, reading the next step for the recipe while stirring the pot. You were pretty sure he knew this recipe by heart now, he'd cooked it for you before and he should be confident in it but seemingly not enough yet to put the recipe down. The kitchen smelt amazing and you could feel your hunger cry out for whatever was simmering in the pot. Taehyung gently tapped the wooden spoon against the pot as he added another ingredient. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" He asked. That's where you'd left him hanging in your texts when exhaustion took over... "I just..." "Is it /that/ thing?" Taehyung asked, very much knowing of your source for distress already. "Kinda... but this time it feels different... I’m not nervous or eager, I just felt like I was waiting and waiting and what if I waited so long for nothing and I.... it doesn’t make sense but I just feel numb at this point and like I'm losing hope. Like every odd is set against me and I'm the only one dumb enough to still bet on myself." "And me. Except I'm not dumb, nor are you and I'll always bet on you. Always." Oh Taehyung... "Well, as your personal doctor and advisor and therapist and nurse, care-taker, comfort teddy and so on, I am going to prescribe you with some stuff." You chuckled. "Please go ahead." He placed a plate in front of you and another on the opposite end of the table. "Firstly, a good healing meal." "And you’ve already done everything in your power right now, you’ve been working hard. Maybetoohard." He mumbled under his breathe followed by a fake cough. "That said, let me distract you." "How?" "Well, some old school friends wanted to go out clubbing this weekend and-" "You don't like clubbing." "Hold on, let me get to the point. My suggestion is that you can come too, it won’t only be them. There will be the general club people too of course and I think most of them were bringing other friends or their girlfriends too so... it might be fun? If it sucks, we'll ditch and go to the midnight bowling place or noraebang, yes?" Maybe having some social interaction, an excuse to dress up and good music wasn't such a bad idea? The only thing bugging you was the potential mess there could be... and lately with your stressed mind you hadn't been the best at handling those environments, but after all this was just a club, with dancing people... it couldn't be that bad right? Bowling did sound fun too though... But you knew distraction and fun was what you probably needed. Maybe it wouldn't solve the issues but maybe it'd make it weigh less. The small distractions did a lot, a big one should do even more. "Sure." "Really?!" You could've sworn you just witnessed his ears wiggle from excitement. "I'll come." -- When Taehyung said "clubbing" you expected big flashy neon signs, a red rope and a guard and pulsing music coming from inside... not a giant base, a sax and a set-up of almost 4 different types of synthesizers. A jazz club. You should've known. The band was some sort of electro jazz fusion sprinkled with funk type band, as they introduced themselves as and they weren't bad, not at all. In fact this was a lot cozier than an uncomfortable packed nightclub. You just wish Taehyung told you so you could've worn your comfy flowy favorite dress rather than your tight little black one, wanting to fit in with the scene... Taehyung was dressed in black slacks, a green sweater and a brown coat that was hung over his chair, paired with his trademark assortment of bracelets on his wrist. Including the one you gave him for his birthday two years ago. He never took it off since the day he got it. It made you smile seeing it on his wrist. Taehyung's old school friends, the few you had managed to great during the evening were all really nice and most of them had their arm either around another or a hand held by another. You couldn't help but feel a little awkward, the questioning looks that didn't need to be vocal for you to understand. "Is this your girlfriend?" Taehyung just smiled, maybe playing it off was best... or did he just not notice the silent question? At first you expected a shrug or something but nope... "Would you like something more to drink?" Taehyung asked, leaning in so you'd hear him over the music and pointing towards your nearly empty glass. "I think I'm alright." "What?" "I'm ok." You leaned in closer. "Do you want to dance?" You and Taehyung were seated alone at one of the many tables as the majority were occupied dancing to the beats of the band and the rest drinking at other tables or mingling around. You had been up there at least twice, maybe even three times dancing the best you could and Taehyung always being by your side but your brain was starting to get a little drowsy. "I think I'm going to call it a night. But you can stay if you want." "No no, if you want to go home I'll come with you, let me walk you home." "I'll take a taxi its ok" "I insist." "So do I" the few drink he had had were enough to make his words braver and bolder. "It's late, I don't want you to go back alone regardless of if you take a taxi. I'll walk you." Fine. "Ok" Taehyung swept the remainder of his wine  and grabbed his coat and waved some quick goodbyes. It was cold outside. Dark and empty... maybe it was good Taehyung insisted after all. He stumbled slightly, alarming you. Your hands instinctively reached for him and he giggled. "You only had two glasses I doubt you're drunk right now." "Maybe I wiwwle tipdie" he giggled, clearly  acting up. "Does wiwwle tipdie Taehyung need help? Should I carry you on my back?" "No! I should be carrying you, do you have a blister on your heal from your shoes? Sore feet? Sore legs? Anything I can use as an excuse?" You laughed, patting him gently on the back. A cold breeze travelled through the street and you pulled your jacket tighter around you. "You're cold?" Taehyung asked "A little... my choice of dress wasn't the best." "I think you look beautiful." The sudden compliment caught you off guard. "... thanks." "Thanks? For what?" "The compliment" "I'm simply stating the facts." He said, looking to the side and slipping his hands into his pockets. "It sure is cold..." Why was it feeling awkward suddenly? Silence between the two of you would usually be comfortable... "Thanks for bringing me too." "Did you have fun?" He turned to face you again. "Yes, it was better than I expected." "I'm glad to hear that." "But let’s go bowling next time." "Sure!" He smiled widely. A source of warmth suddenly surrounded you and you looked up to see Taehyung's face turned away yet again but his arm resting around your shoulder, wrapping his coat around you and urging you closer into his side till your hips almost brushed against each other. The rest of the walk back home was a few minutes of silence, but luckily you didn't live far. "Home sweet home" "How will you get home?" You asked, concerned. "Ah..." he checked the time on his phone. "Well I've missed the last train... so unless I can find a taxi which so far I've seen none I'll have to sleep at the station." "No you're not, come, you can call a taxi from my place and at least wait inside instead of out in the cold." You said, grabbing his arm and pulling him with you through the entrance. "Nobody's picking up?" You asked Taehyung looked down at his phone with a confused look. "It keeps hanging up on me? I don't know if maybe their line is down or something?" "It would explain why we didn't see any on the walk back." "I guess so... so now what?" He looked up at you. "Guess you'll have to stay the night." He grinned. "Can't remember the last time we had a sleep-over" he chuckled and removed his coat. He was right, it must've been years ago... the last time you could remember was a movie night gone sleep over during winter when it had snowed so no traffic was able to move at all. You grabbed a spare cover and a pillow and handed it to Taehyung, sleepiness already present in his eyes. "Hey." Taehyung said, laying out the pillow and cover on your sofa. "If I have a nightmare can I come lay next to you?" He grinned. "If you have to." He replied with a puppy gaze. "Good night TaeTae." His eyes widened and he looked down at the couch. "... Good night." -- The question was when would you wake to the sound of birds chirping instead of the aggressive rasp of the snow plow dragging across the street? It almost sounded like it was more ir less plowing the asphalt off the earth rather than the snow. More irritating was that it just added to your unsatisfying sleep and rough awakening streak. One good morning was all you asked for... You sat up, slid off the edge of the bed and slipped into your slippers that were neatly set up by its side. A scratch of the head and an adjusting pull of the bun on your head and you headed to you first destination; tea. With heavy steps you dragged yourself out of your room and were met by the surprise you had forgotten was left on your couch from last night, sprawled across the sofa... in only boxers. Oh god. The covers were halfway on the floor, only covering his legs, barely. It was cold too but should you just ignore him... no, you couldn't... but what if you woke him up? He was only in boxers and you were already trying your best not to look but your brain had already registered that they were black and Calvins... please no more information... thigh muscles NO! Chest, focus on the chest. He was breathing, he was alive. Inhale, exhale. You carefully made your way towards him. His chest was toned... the type perfect to rest your head on NO! Messy hair... It really didn't help that your best friend was as attractive as he was. You bent down and carefully picked up the cover, pulling it back up over his upper body. He must've been really cold, his nipples- NO. You shook your head furiously to get rid of the thought. You turned around 180 degrees and marched to the kitchen. Tea. Tea. Tea. Tae. TEA! You could hear the covers rustle as he shifted, followed by a soft groan. Oh no... Please no. Although... why was it so dangerous for him to see you in your own home, making tea. I don't know! But regardless it felt like an action movie stealth scene for the grand heist judging by your heart beat. The boiler was too loud, the accidental clink of the mug as you set it to the counter too, the rip of packaging of the tea bag, the wind whistling outside! Sweat? You were sweating, stress consuming you yet again over the moist pointless little thi- "Hey?" The tea cup smashed against the kitchen floor along with your gasp and you grabbed the door handle of the kitchen cupboard for support. Taehyung starred at you with wide startled eyes. Maybe your screech scared him as much as his sudden presence scared you. "Sorry." He chuckled, voice so deep and raspy you could practically feel his vocal chords vibrate. Your heart was pounding hard. Could he at least have been swaddled in the covers and not in his boxers right now... You diverted your eyes to the porcelain shards across the floor. "Wait wait wait!" Taehyung yelped, holding his hand out to stop you from moving. But it was too late. The dark kitchen along with your giddiness had of course resulted in the unfortunate miss step. You sighed, lifting your foot from the chard as you felt something wet trickle down your foot. Taehyung quickly reached to turn the lights on, the bright shine blinding both of you briefly and making the view of him even clearer. "Stay there." Taehyung ordered. Your kitchen was pretty small so there wasn't much space to move without risking another wrong step. A cup of tea and now all this. You slapped your arms to your sides in a deep pout. Making a new cup now just felt wrong but you craved a cup so bad and it was cold... the floor was cold, you were cold... and not to mention everything hanging in form of heavy weights on your shoulders and chilling on top of the imaginary storm cloud above you right now. It's like your issues were mocking you and just making everything worse. Maybe the issue was that you related to the once-was intact mug. You felt split and unorganized, all over the place and dependent on things you knew you shouldn’t be depending your hope and happiness on but yet day after day you’d lose yourself in a visualization of a scenario of perfection were everything would be ok until again the door was slammed in your face and you had to start all over again. No matter how many times you felt like this time would be different and this time you were ready, this time it'd all go your way because the past was forgiven and your time wasn’t right but again and again .... Your patience was running out. You sniffed, wiping the tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand. Taehyung came back holding a broom and a dust pan when he saw your face of tears. "No..." he sounded panicked. He leaned down quickly sweeping the chards to the side of the kitchen and tossing the broom and pan into the pile so he could approach you. Strong lean arms embarrassed you like out of a 6 different angles k-drama scene. A hand found its place on the back of your head, softly petting you as the other pressed you closer to his warm chest. Never had you expected  that hugging Taehyung would feel this safe. May it be because he was the one you could be truly vulnerable with or that he was the one that knew what was going on right now, but whatever he did... he did it just right. "You don't need to say anything." He whispered. "I know." He squeezed you a little firmer. "I know." He reassured. "Sssh" his hand felt so gentle as it caressed you. "It's going to be ok." He felt so warm. "I'm here." His skin felt so soft against your hands. "I'm not going anywhere." Your heart calmed down. Taehyung didn't pull away until you became silent and your breathing stable. But even then he didn't pull away completely, only enough to look at your face and caress his thumbs under each eye gently. "I'll reheat the water for you." He smiled softly and reached for the switch on the kettle. You didn't want to let go, not just yet. But he slipped away carefully and kneeled to sweep up the shards and discarded the pieces into the bin. He briefly disappeared and came back holding his sweater, arms slipped in and pulling it over his head as he entered, causing his shoulders to naturally flex slightly as he slipped it on. He grabbed two mugs from the cupboard, added a bag in each and filled them with the hot water. You tugged and fidgeted at your sleeve as you watched, feeling unusually shy in his presence. "Come, let’s sit on the sofa" Taehyung said and grabbed a mug in each hand but quickly came to a halt. "Your foot!" You had forgotten about it too. He placed the mugs back down and watched you as you lifted to check the cut. "Fuck." Taehyung said and quickly ripped a piece of kitchen towel off and handed it to you. Holding one hand against the fridge for support and the other wiping the smeared mess on your foot you watched as Taehyung quickly disappeared and reappeared again with your med kit. "Does it hurt?" He asked, rummaging through the kit. "No, it just stings a little." He pulled out some disinfectant solution and eyes you quickly up and down. Before you knew it he was stood in front of you, kneeling slightly as you felt his large hand grab a hold behind your thigh and his arm scooped you up on him. Your heart was back to its rapid pace again. He set you down on the sofa carefully and went back to grab the disinfectant and the tea mugs. He sat on the floor in front of you, soaking a cotton pad with the solution and gentle pulling your foot towards him by the ankle. "Ah, thanks goodness it doesn't seem to be deep." He said with relief, gently dabbing the cotton pad to the wound. It stung a little but it wasn't too bad. "All nice and clean, do you have cute band-aids?" "Only boring plain ones I'm afraid." Taehyung scrunched his nose. "Boo." With a band-aid beneath your foot and your longed for tea in your hands you sat next to him on the sofa. "An eventful morning." "I should become your fulltime caretaker at this point." Taehyung joked. "Not that I'd mind." "Will you pay me?" He raised his brows as well as the mug to his lips. "No way." You smiled. "Charity work is good for karma." "I already have good karma!" Taehyung protested, pretending to be offended. He laughed that trademark warm laugh that was like a smooth cackle that somehow always triggered a little firework to go off in your chest. You smiled, looking into your mug as if it'd tell you a fortune. ... you swallowed and looked up. In winter the sun rose late and had begun its voyage above the horizon, painting the sky a bright warm orange tone as it shined in through the window behind Taehyung. No. You didn't have feelings for him. You just felt some post-event shakiness and nerves and for the matter of a fact you finally got your much needed cry. It must just be your chest feeling lighter thanks to the cry. "So, do you have any planes today?" Taehyung asked. "I don't even know what day it is." "Good, I don't have plans either and it's Saturday for your information. But I do have a potential plan and that is, since I'm already here, to spend the day with you unless you have important to do's, which you shouldn't, because you need a break." He whispered towards the end. "A fmnn break." He repeated, biting his lip on the word to censor himself, but he got his point across. "A break would be nice... but when I try, I feel distressed as if I shouldn't be doing it because I'm wasting my time. I need-" "A distraction" Taehyung filled in. You nodded. "Then thou shall sit here and watch my live-in-action cooking show live from your kitchen." He said cheerfully, slapping his hands to his thighs as he stood up. "Do you have strawberries?" He asked. "In the freezer." "Yes!" He made his way to the kitchen, worth to mention is the open floor plan of your apartment so you could see him well enough from where you were seated. The soft messy curls on his head bounced with him as he walked. He dramatically pointed at you with a spatula in his hand. "Welcome." He said, speaking deeply into the spatula. "The pancake and strawberry smoothie extravaganza extraordinaire show with your host." He point his thumb and index under his chin. "Kim Taehyung." His goofiness never failed to bring a smile to your face. He went to grab his phone on the sofa table. "I need background music...." he hummed as he scrolled, spatula still in his other hand. "Jeopardy music 10 hours?" He looked up at you for an opinion. "Please no." He giggled and a calm upbeat song started playing from him phone as he put it back down and resorted to the kitchen. While frying up the first batch he was spaced out, humming on the theme tune to jeopardy anyway. You had made yourself comfortable on the sofa, lying down. The sofa smelt like him now. The same sweet comforting scent as the hug had... and his coat the numerous times he'd wrapped it around you when it was cold or shielded you from the rain with it. But speaking of memory, thinking back at those often occurring times you were also reminded about how a previous "friend" used to try and provoke you into being nervous and shy in Taehyung's presence. You'd been close for years and maybe she had an issue with that or something but she'd always find ways to tease you in way. Claiming Taehyung was giving you "looks" or "checking you out" in ways she as a self-declared expert in men deemed were of more than friendly nature. And since she as expert of men by that likely thought all men were the same, proves how reliable of a source she was. Taehyung he just.... you were close. She just wanted to make you feel embarrassed and self-conscious and make it awkward between you. You hated thinking about that. It made you overthink and feel awkward. Like an evil loop. You looked up at the breakfast chef, catching his eye as he quickly looked back down to the pancakes. You could get used to this view. Handsome man in boxers and sweater making you pancakes when you’re feeling blue, the headline in your head spelled out. The Zen experience of the kitchen fan being turned off brought stillness and Taehyung emerges with a plate of pancakes, disappearing and re-appearing again after denying your offer to help with the strawberry smoothies, plates, forks, knifes and every suitable pancake topping he had been able to locate in your kitchen. And a tube of mustard as a joke that you only kept in your fridge for when your dad came over to dinner and his weird obsession with having mustard on everything. It was probably even expired. "Enjoy your meal." "You're my hero Taehyung." You said, stabbing a pancake. "I can be your hero baby." You froze. "What?" "Haven't you heard that song?" He smiled. Oh.. "Hero? By Enrique Iglesias?" "Ah, now that you mention it-" "With the weird music video were goes on this road trip with the girl and then he's suddenly rubbing money over her body in this random stone house." "Is this what you binge on youtube at 2am when I wake up to 15 links and emotional texts." "Do not judge me!" You giggled. "I'm not, I like waking up to those texts from you. You sent them to me for a reason." Taehyung smiled shyly. "Yeah... anyhow! I have a suggestion, a proposal, a-" "Go on" "Since I'm your hero, but even I weren't. I thought maybe I could stay here a few days? Only if you want me to, of course. I just-" he became shyer. "I like to think that you seem to feel better when I'm around and you're going through a rough time so I'd like to be there for you, like you are for me." Your heart made its presence in your chest known yet again. "You should think.... because it's true." "So?" "It'd be nice." He smiled widely. "Great! But I do need to go home and pack some clothes and... some pajamas and Yeontan! He is a great comforter trust me, he has cheered me up many times when I've cried." "Cried? What were you crying about?" "Oh- uhm it's nothing, it's ok now so." He swatted it away. "Boys cry too." He joked, but it tasted weird. "But he's staying with my parents this weekend, but if you want I can go pick him up." He suggested. "It's ok, he needs time with his grandparent." Taehyung chuckled. "Well they love their grandson so I'm sure they wouldn't mind having him stay an extra day or two." -- You couldn't help but feel bad that Taehyung had to sleep on the sofa... His bag with clothes and necessities was placed in the hallway and the covers neatly hung over the backrest. "We could take turns and sleep in the bed every other day." "I told you it was fine." Taehyung insisted, again. "I just feel bad..." "Then let’s both sleep in your bed and call it even." "...." your cheeks felt hot. "See, so I'll sleep on the sofa. Don't worry about it!" What does he mean "see"? ... you were simply imagining what excuse to use as to how your head would coincidentally end up on his chest instead of your pillow. "Or we'll both sleep on the sofa, but it might be a bit cramped." He continued. "Maybe this was a bad idea..." "Hey no! No, I'm just joking. Don't feel bad ok." Taehyung's hands smoothed down your arms. "Beds are better at healing wounds on the feet too." You exhaled deeply. "Oh TaeTae..." "Doesn't this feel like we're having a pajama party or sleep over?" He smiled. "Kinda, should we build a blanket fort and watch movies?" His mouth dropped open. "I'm just kidding!" You laughed He pouted. "Oh you want to?" A nod. "You want to build a fort and watch movies?" You asked with more excitement. More enthusiastic nodding. You both cracked up laughing on the sofa together. "I'm serious though." Taehyung grinned. -- You lied awake in your bed, eyes to the ceiling. For some wild reason you both thought it would be a great idea to binge through the entire twilight saga series as a source of comedy but you only made it up to half-way through eclipse when it became too much to handle for both of you. The first movie was easy to mock and laugh at and make fun out if but once it got more serious and romantic in new moon it started getting a little awkward. To say the least, feeling flustered from watching twilight but not due to the movie itself but from the presence of Taehyung right next to you in your make-shift sofa blanket fort. You couldn't stop thinking about him. And he was out there... on your sofa, right now. And who knew if he was in cute polka dot pajamas with his hair a mess on the pillow or his tight fitted boxers and his hair tied up.. You bit your lip, crossing your legs at the visual. You remembered the first time you witnessed Taehyung tie his hair up and how it felt like being punched in the gut. It's not possible to be that attractive. "Then aren't you attracted to him?" The voice echoed in your head. Just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean you're attracted to them! Which is very much true. But Taehyung's personality was attractive too which was harder to justify the same way. And his person. And him. The entire package. You sighed. Maybe the stupidest thing you could do right now was reach for your phone and google "do I have feelings for my best friend?" Ah yes. A quiz. Maybe it wasn't so stupid after all, it'd say maybe you like him but you're not into him at the very most. Question 1, do you find them attractive. Well who wouldn't? And like mentioned it doesn't mean you're attracted to him. Yes. Question 2, do they like you? Pfft... what kind of question is that? How would you know? I don't know... or yes I guess? I mean he clearly likes you as a friend or he wouldn't be up to making all this effort for you but do they mean platonically? You ticked maybe. Question 3, Do you stalk them on social media? What the??? He's your best friend! The algorhythm shoves his posts in your face weather you like it or not. Sometimes. Question 4, Do you see them a lot? Yes. Question 5, Do you want to know more about them? You already know everything ... but what he cries about to Yeontan is something. Yes. Question 6, when you see them with somebody else who isn't considered their friend, how do you feel? Jealous. Question 7, when they're around you how do you feel? Nervous or self-conscious or nothing or i don’t know... well nervous AND a little self-conscious depending on the situation and if he's dressed or in just his boxers. Nervous. Question 8, Do you think about them? Yes. Always. Question 9, Do you laugh at their jokes? Another weird one but yes. Question 10, are they your ex? Huh? No. Definitely. A lot. You placed your phone screen down on your chest and let out a sigh. Maybe visualizing a kiss or two while in the shower was a crime after all... or was the question why were you in the first place? He was amazing in every type of way and you wanted to know if he was amazing at kissing too andmaybeinbed but you can't just ask him that or try it out, so you had to resort to imagination.... Who were you even trying to convince at this point? You liked him. Definitely. And a lot. The realization did nothing to help you fall asleep unfortunately. Another 15 minutes in dark silence passed when you suddenly heard the floorboards squeak. Maybe Taehyung was going to the bathroom or grabbing a glass of water... But the soft pats of his feet should've stopped by now... Your half open door pushed open a bit more shyly and Taehyung peaked in. Dressed in pajama bottoms, but no shirt. "You're awake." He said, whispering. "So are you." "I can't sleep..." he rubbed his arm. "I feel lonely." As if you'd deny him looking all shy and vulnerable in your door. You scooted to the side in your bed, making raise his brows in hope and anticipation, fingers fidgeting. "Come." You said, patting the bed next to you. The bed dipped gently as he lied down and you put the covers over him. He shifted onto his side, placing his head on your pillow. This was better. But since you just took an online quiz to realize you had feelings for this man currently shirtless in your bed, you couldn’t help but feel incredibly awkward. "How come you're feeling lonely?" You asked, trying to conceal your stiffness "To a start I sleep better when I get to hold something." He said shyly "Who?" You asked, intending for it to be a thought. "When I'm at home, Yeontan." Of course... "He lays on the bed and I feel less lonely and hearing him walk around or do something makes me feel soothed knowing I'm not alone... for the most part." "Are the tears you cry... tears of loneliness?" You could tell it triggered something in him. He bit his lip and nodded gently, eyes glossy. "For the most part it's just me and a pillow." He confessed. "But you could say-... it's something like that, yes." Face to face, mere inches apart. You thanked the darkness of the room that he couldn't see you blush right now but unreasonable fear that he'd somehow "sense" it in the atmosphere still worried you. You shouldn't have taken that stupid quiz it only made you start overthinking and it was probably rigged and the questions were weird so why should you listen to it? Get back to your senses! He's your best friend and you're comfortable with him! Calm down! "... I know it's dumb" Taehyung mumbled. "I know it seems like I'm this easy-going social butterfly with lots of friends who can find someone to hang out with within seconds... but when I'm alone at home, I just feel so empty. Like if nobody sees me, I don't exist. Thus when I'm alone, I'm not real anymore." "That's very philosophical, but what if someone thinks about you while you are alone? Then wouldn't you exist since somebody has you on their mind?" "But it'd be impossible for me to know and people have better things to do than walk around and daydream about me." It stung a little inside hearing him say this. "People are actually capable of multitasking you see, they can do these better things you speak of and think about you at the same time. I think about you a lot, sometimes I think about you while doing the laundry, riding the bus or taking a show- that sound's wrong." Taehyung chuckled. "But you get what I mean." "What do you mean?" He asked "That I think about you and that you aren't alone TaeTae, you never are. If you're ever feeling lonely, maybe think about me. If that helps. Or get to know yourself more, become your own friend or create an imaginary friend!" "I already do that." "Have an imaginary friend?" "Think about you." Oh. "... does it help?" You asked shyly. He shook his head. "It just makes me miss you and want to come to see you." Is it possible to experience a softer heart attack than you just did? Rather than a heart exploding in saw gore-level mess it gently poofed and became a small cloud of red feathers gently falling to the ground. Since when had you become a softie? Two hours ago you were all if there's no sex in the romance novel, it's not worth my time but now you suddenly felt an urge to ransack the romance section of the nearest library to read every cheesy romance story you could find until you could find one similar to your own. Your... own? What? With... with Taehyung? ... not that you’d visualize every male lead character as coincidentally similar to him regardless of how their looks were described in the book.... "Maybe I do need to spend some time with myself to get over it..." No! Stay here with me! "I can spend more time with you." Taehyung looked up. "I think that could benefit us both." He sounded more hopeful now. "Well, you're already here so it's also convenient." Despite the darkness you could make out the smile on his face that appeared. Cute. But wait... did Taehyung suggest he could stay here for you, because he felt lonely? He shifted slightly and the sheets rustled. His leg accidently brushed against yours and your first thought was to tangle your legs with his in a leg tackle war... but you still felt too on edge to act casual and playful with him like you normally could. You swallowed. "How long have you felt this way?" "A while... a long while. At first it was nothing but then it got worse and even more worse when I realized this one thing." "What thing was that if I may ask?" He sighed. "It's hard to explain... but, say a friend." "Mhm?" "A friend feels kinda lost, existentialism and stuff going on, doesn't like to be by himself, then he finds this person and they make him forget it all but once they’re apart it all returns to him again like they were his escape but only for as long as they were together." "Is that only with that one person or all?" "No no, only that person. And then he realizes he might be in love, or he's addicted to the person in a way, but in a good way not an obsessive way just-" "In love?" "Something like that." "You're in love?" "Huh?! What no! This was about a friend! I'm not talking about me!" "Then what did you realize Taehyung?" You could tell his mind briefly blanked in panic. "I realized that maybe I, as said friend need to find that person for me." "A person?" He nodded shyly. "You want to fall in love?" "I don't know... something like that." 'Something like that' seemed to be his catchphrase this evening. But in love? A person? His person?... that couldn't be you... could it? Did he want you to be his person? Were you his person?? The questions and confusion kept spiraling through your head, (finally) making you feel tired and exhausted. "I think... I just want to tend to someone else than myself, to not have to think so much about it and instead take care of somebody else." "Is that why you offered to stay?" "Yes and no, I want to take care of you because I am genuinely concerned and worried about you, I want to be there for you. But also, sleeping on the couch last night, hearing you tiptoe around the kitchen... it made me feel comforted." His voice sounded drowsy. "If you want... I can be your person in this scenario." You suggested. "You've already become.. person." He mumbled, sinking deeper into his half-awake state. -- You stretched your leg out one at the time, twisting your body gently and inhaling deeply into a stretch, gently batting your eyes open. You pushed a palm against the bed to get up into a seated position when something suddenly restrained you, heavy over your abdomen. Surprised, you raised the sheet to see the reminder of what you had forgotten last night. Over your waist, a lean arm with faint thin dark hairs and a few subtle veins travelling up the forearm from the large hand clung to the side of your waist... all attached to the source of warmth to your left, Taehyung. His dark locks a mess on the pillow, his bare upper body now fully on display in the daylight and his polka dot pajama pants haven travelled down a bit too far low for your sanity... Cursed be the eyes in your skull for travelling down the view. You would've noticed it sooner or later regardless, especially since your thigh was  a hair between touching it. It, being the weird relief of knowing he got some deep relaxing sleep in... but with an awkward morning surprise... and his arm wouldn't grant you freedom without you accidentally or intentionally having to wake him up. You carefully shifted to at least have your thighs at a safer distance, but your bed wasn't intended for two people, so it was easier said than done. His grip suddenly tightened and a low groan escaped him as he shifted. Why did you feel fear as if you shouldn’t be present in your bed in which he entered himself. If anyone Taehyung should be the one fearing his life right now. His thumb caressed your side gently and it felt nice... soothing. Until his eyes suddenly opened wide with a soft gasp as you felt his morning hard on grace against your thigh. Eyes that pleaded and begged you didn't notice pierced into yours and you decided to play along. "Did you sleep well?" His hand quickly retreated to your disappointment. "Sorry i... I did it in my sleep it wasn't-" "It's ok, you said you sleep well holding something and being held didn't feel too bad..." "Well, in that case, I actually slept better than I have in a really long time." He said, voice raspy and deep still. He rolled onto his back, thankfully, and placed his hand behind his head. "Did you?" "Huh?" "Did you sleep well?" "In fact, I did." You said, answering truthfully and resisting the urge to put your head on his bare chest. If only the lord or whoever would stop testing me... "Hungry?" He asked. You nodded. "Great, I'll fix something ok, but close your eyes." "Why?" "I'm shirtless." ... right. You covered your eyes with your hands and the warmth left your side as he got up and escaped the room. You slowly got up, trying to win some time for him but a few brief seconds later heard the sound of the bathroom door down the hall closing and locking. Yikes. That went smoother than expected. You set up some tea, knowing Taehyung described coffee as the closest to unlethal poison you could find, you knew he'd prefer tea or hot chocolate and that there was no use to ask. You knew him too well. It was nice having him here. And waking up with a strong arm around your waist wasn't too bad either... if only you could've let yourself enjoy the moment instead of freaking out, what if he grew cautious now and you'd never experience it again? You sighed softly, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. After a while, the kettle clicked and you poured some water into each mug. It had been a while now... ... was he meditating in there? There was no sound of the shower, or anything, not that you were listening. Would it be weird if you asked if he was ok? Since the kettle was off the entire apartment became significantly more silent. You heard a faint mumble. "Fuck..." You swallowed. Ear please momentarily turn off, mind and imagination too please. You reached to put the kettle back on but since the water was already hot it clicked off again after 5 seconds. The bathroom door opened and you braced yourself to not look down. Luckily, he was now wearing his oversized sweater or else you would've failed immediately. He let out a soft chuckle. "I spaced out." His cheeks were flushed red and glowing. Right. "I made you some tea." -- Why were deep topics always easier to talk about at night? Were people like clams? You wake up and it opens a little and once we hit the night the clam is fully open and then closes during sleep to a new no-talk-me-I-not-have-tea-yet to ask-me-about-how-i-view-existentialism cycle? Or were nights just vulnerable with the darkness? In that case you should metaphorically speaking be an open clam all day during winter when the sun goes into its own hibernation. But here you were again, just like last night, except... 20 minutes into the sudden power outage that made your impromptu movie night come to a halt. And it was getting really cold. Bundled up under a cover together, staring at the flicker of the candle on the coffee table in silence. "I was going to offer to make you tea to warm you up but the kettle..." Taehyung said with a soft chuckle. "The power will probably come back any moment soon." He said optimistically. As you looked out of the window earlier, you noticed it wasn't just your place, but the entire block seemed to have an outage. Unusual. But the current roaring rain storm outside likely had something to do with it. The wind was aggressive, the windows shook, it whistled in a creepy way and the trees outside rustled loudly. "How about we play a game?" Taehyung suddenly suggested, breaking off the silence again. He was feeling awkward, you could tell. He always rested his hands in his lap, fidgeting or poking at the cuticles of his nails when he felt awkward. "Sure, what should we play?" His face lit up. "Questions and answers? I can start!" "Shoot!" You folded your legs and shifted to face him on the couch. "What's your ideal type." ... he... immediately went there. "Looks or personality?" Taehyung shrugged. "Both." "Well it depends on the vibe they give off of course... and mainly. I guess tall, but it's not that important, wide shoulders are always nice." You paused to think, how can I describe Taehyung without it sounding like I'm describing Taehyung. "Funny, caring, optimistic, outgoing..." "Like me!" He smiled widely. You leaned back, squinting while caressing your chin, examining him playfully. "Hmmmn" He placed his hands under his jaw, like he was displaying his face and batted his eyelashes. "Not bad, not bad." He looked disappointed. "Just not bad?" You playfully nudged his arm. "It's your turn to answer. "Fine." He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest but cracking a giggle. "I'll ask you the same question." "Very original, you." "It's called recycling, so tell me." "I did." "Huh?" "You." Your heart froze briefly before beginning to pound. "Me?" "Mn!" He said confidently. "You're not bad" he mocked. You swallowed. "I have a question about the rules." "Go on" "If I ask you anything, do you have to tell the truth?" "Yes! Nothing but. So you better tell me what you actually think rather than 'not bad'" "Is the friend you talked about actually you? And am I the person?" He tensed up, swallowing. "I guess it was obvious..." he mumbled, rubbing his arm and looking down at his lap. "I just..." he began, but reluctance interrupted him. "I understand." You said. He looked up, seemingly surprised yet still tensed "I make you feel less lonely." He nodded slowly. "Which makes sense. After all we're best friends." You continued. "... right." He looked away. "Best friends." Taehyung reached up to move his hair away from his eyes, still facing down as if he was considering something. "So... what do you think of me?" His voice sounded more serious. Where to start of course he was gorgeous! Wide shoulders, a build you'd die to slide your hands down, dark big eyes, a sweet smile with plump lips, sculpted perfectly and his honey skin. Person wise... he was someone you'd want to have as your person. "A nice person" He scoffed. "Seriously?" He seemed upset. He finally looked up, meeting your gaze. There was a sparkle in his eye. The warm light from the candle made his face glow even more. "I mean person as in the person you have, a your-person" "A nice your-person?" He tilted his head. "You told me yesterday in bed that you can feel like someone is your person because they bring you comfort and make all your problems go away and you feel better just by being in their presence! A nice that-type-of-person." "But I was talking about you!" He pleaded "And now I'm talking about you." "You are my person, what do you mean?" He asked, placing emphasis on "my" "That you're my person too. Am I being unclear?" "No, not at all. I just wanted to hear you say it." "So you tricked me?" You scoffed. "Not really." He leaned closer. "But maybe I set you up and you simply walked into my trap." "So now what? We're just going to sit here in denial over the fact that we both admitted to being each other's person?" You questioned, feeling slightly panicky and picking at your nails. Was this platonic or not? "We don't have to" he grinned. "But to be clear, I'm not talking about you being my person as in my other half, my best friend type person, even though you are that too bit this isn't it." "Are you trying to tell me that you're in love with me?" He tensed up again. Fuck it. "Then just say it, stop confusing me with your riddles and metaphors and I won't do the same. Just tell me-" His hand pressed against the back of your head as he leaned in almost all the way. He caressed the back of your head gently and your gaze dropped to his soft pink lips with the tiny freckle to the side. You leaned in close enough to brush a gentle touch before Taehyung pressed you closer for your lips to finally collide. It started off desperate yet a little shy. You pressed back, grabbing at his sides and the kiss deepened. Your heart was pounding. Never did you expect he'd just go for it and kiss you when you showed some bold courage towards him but you didn’t have a slightest regret because he tasted so good against your mouth. His plump pink lips so passionate, so needy but also so gentle and triggering an explosion in your chest. Taehyung leaned over you, making you lay down on the couch as he crawled on top and it turned into an even wilder heated make out. Your hand tangled into his hair, his hand rubbed against the side of your waist under your top. Fearing it'd be the first, last and only, you wanted every single piece of this moment you could have. Unintentional, his touch triggered a soft moan to escape your throat, which subsequently triggered a groan from Taehyung. Making a sound like that with his voice should be illegal. It did things to you, things you didn't want to confess. But the box of secret confessions was torn open within seconds as Taehyung, a heavy breathing mess suddenly pulled away from your lips and landed by your ear, exhaling deeply. "Fuck, I'm hard." He groaned and you knew the box was flying out the windows with your filthy confession floating aimlessly around for him to hear but all you managed to stutter out was a choked "huh?" "If you knew how long I've wanted you for." He whispered. "How scared I've been of being rejected because I knew it'd shatter me." The hopeless romantic you knew he was made his attendance known. "A friend?" You chuckled. "Maybe I set myself up with that one, I admit. But I was hoping you'd catch on." He chuckled, still breathless. He planted a kiss against your neck. Were you about to have sex? Would it lead to that? Did you mind? Certainly not... Taehyung pushed up slightly, looking down at you. "May I?" You nodded and he smiled widely, pressing a kiss to your lips. Shifting, he easily found his place between your thighs and grinded up against you slowly with pressure, causing both of you to exhale into a sweet needy moan. Your feelings felt scattered all over the place but this wasn't the time to pick them up. You wanted to let go, to surrender, just for this moment. Let go of everything clawing at your back, clouding the sunny skies and draining you. There is nothing more exhausting than smiling pretending everything is ok while whatever inflated issue in beast form is clawing its nails across your back and the scars sting like lemon juice was just rubbed all over you, feeling disgusting and sticky, let alone in pain and with a sore back from the held tension. He grinded again, sensually this time as the tip of his nose travelled up your neck, inhaling your sweet scent. "Mmm" he hummed softly. Your hand made its way to his nape as he settled by your neck. "I could fall asleep here." He chuckled. "Right here in your neck, it's so warm and smells so nice. It's more effective than lavender." "Are you enchanted by my odor?" He laughed his trademark bubble laugh. "I wish you knew how much fun you are." He squeezed you, rubbing up firmer to you with a desperate grunt. "Fuck I can't take it anymore." He stood on his knees, crossing his arms in front of him and grabbing the hem of his sweater, pulling it up and off, exposing his soft skin and toned chest as it fell to the floor. His hand reached for the button on his pants but before making it to the zipper his attention returned back to you with his hands sliding up under your top and pulling it up over your head. "I just want to make sure again... is it ok?" He asked, eyes big. "Yes, touch me, kiss me, do whatever you want just don’t leave the couch. At least not without me." He smirked at this, finally able to surrender to his greed. Taehyung reached for the waistline of your pants, unbuttoning, unzipping and pulling them down your hips with your underwear going off with them. His fingers softly rakes over your skin as he travelled down your legs, your hips lifted to assist him and then they were tossed onto the floor. He reached for his own zipper again but you sat up, quickly swatting his hand away and reaching for it yourself. He was on his knees between your thighs. You pulled them down, sliding your hands over his soft curved hips, revealing his tight fitted boxers with little to any space left for his hard on. You swallowed. He blushed. Relieved that Taehyung took over the lead again you lied back down as his hands gently pushed you back, slipping the bra straps off your shoulders and reaching behind you to unhook and free you from your final piece of clothing. But with this one he wasn't in a rush. He slowly tugged at the lacey fabric, revealing your chest to him as he bit his lip. "Wow." He mumbled and his patience was gone. One hand grabbed your left boob, feeling it and squeezing it softly as the other slipped into his boxer to touch himself. He whimpered, seemingly trembling as a result of his desperation and the discomfort he must be feeling in those tight pair of... he let go of your boob, quickly pulling his boxers down and himself out. You felt your core twist and ache and his boxers joined the pile of clothes on the floor. Taehyung fell forward onto all fours on top of you. Fully exposed, fully erect and a full sight to take in in the dim light in the dark. Distracted and eyes travelling all over him, his hand suddenly cupped your chin, tilting it up for you to face him. His nose graced over yours in a sweet eskimo kiss before his lips, just as gently pressed to yours. Taehyung's hand slid down your neck, your chest and down until he found himself. Your toes curled as you felt his touch where you wanted him the most in this moment, the tip of him slowly sliding up and down your slit, triggering your need even more. Taehyung let out a shaky exhale. His lips were parted and eyes staring right down at your exposed curves. He positioned himself, slowly sliding the tip in, just to feel... just to get some urgent relief... he leaned his head back and his hands landed a tight grip of your waist. He couldn't take it anymore. Slowly and carefully he began to push. Making sure by studying your every expression that he wasn't hurting you and that it felt good. A sweet whimper escaped you, causing him to grin in delight as he pushed in deeper. He was thick... the gentle stretch he caused felt amazing and you couldn't stop yourself from clenching around him, making him moan and managing to make you even wetter just by the sound. With a soft grunt he slipped in all the way. Giving you a moment to adjust to his size, he moved his hand up to caress your cheek with the back of his hand. His touch felt like magic. Like a gentle feather smoothing over your cheek, but slender and strong, with long dainty beautiful fingers. You leaned into his touch. "Does it feel ok?" He whispered. You gave a reassuring nod. He pulled his hips back and thrusted back in, not too soft and not too hard he picked up a slow but deep rhythm for his movements. Your hands felt their way up and across his back, studying every curve and where he naturally flexed as he moved. His hands were firmly holding you in place at the waist, every desperate exhale and every shaky inhale sending almost an ASMR like tingle down your spine via your ear until your name suddenly slipped his lips. Most people feel a fuzzy like feeling inside hearing their proper name be called but this... this was unlike no other time. His deep voice, following a whimper, exhaling your name like a magic spell and it fading into a shiver-causing moan. To put it simply it was the sexiest thing you've ever heard and it activated a whole new part within you that felt foreign but so so so good. Like your blood had suddenly turned into liquid gold, all happy hormones releasing in a firework spelling the world "nothing else matters" in an imaginary sky. You wrapped your arms tighter around him, moaning his name out felt liberating. And it clearly triggered an equal reaction. His cheeks were already flushed and his eyes went wide. He smirked, growing more desperate, fucking your harder and deeper, chasing release. "Please cum for me." He whispered, pleading. "Please." He didn't need to place a formal request, you were already loosing yourself. The only sound echoing in the darkness being the roaring wind and rain along with your breaths and groans and the sound of his hips and your thighs. Wet, heavenly sounds to you. His sweet moans, his broad back, his dick... everything about him made you feel euphoric. The ever building tension below, the sweat forming on his forehead... "I'm gonna cum" he whimpered. Thinking your body couldn't possibly react stronger to him than it already was, it did. The thrusts grew faster, grunts louder and you could feel yourself leak even more. Back arching, tension growing... it felt even tighter now... you could feel him so well, every movement until you suddenly came un-done with a loud whimper to his ear, setting him off into his own orgasm, cumming deep inside with a string of "oh"s and groans, gritting his teeth together and tensing his face in a greedy expression. He slowed down to a halt, remaining inside, breathless on top of you. The light on the sofa table had reached its end and the faint scent of smoke filled the air as the flame went out, making the room completely pitch black. Taehyung's face nuzzled softly against your neck, inhaling the scent of you deeply  and being soothed. "Wow." He coughed, followed by a groan. "Wow." You repeated, happy that the light went out so he couldn’t see your flushed face. "You ok?" He whispered, vulnerability present in his voice. "I didn't go to hard right?" "It was amazing." He let out a breath of release and an awkward chuckle. "I'll pull out.." he said shyly, moving his hips back slowly and gently, slipping out. To your surprise, Taehyung climbed off of you, standing on his feet. The cold air made your nipples ache and your skin shiver. You wanted your human blanket and source of heat back. But you didn’t have to wait for long. A pair of strong arms slid in under you, lifting you up with ease. "The sofa is too tiny." He carried you into your bedroom, gently putting you back down on the bed and laying down on his side next to you, pulling you close to his chest where his heart was still pounding hard. He hugged you tight, caressing the back of your head. His lips pressed against the crown of your head gently. "My good girl." He whispered, sounding almost proud. Your cheeks burned and a weird sense to cry bubbled up but you quickly swallowed it and hugged him tighter, burying your face against his chest. Never had you thought being called a good girl, specifically "Taehyung's" good girl would be able to move you to tears. But maybe it's what you needed to hear, mixed with the hormonal serotonin cocktail your body just released upon you. "You'll always have me." He nuzzled his nose in your hair. With a click the power came back on, including your pink hue nightstand lamp next to the bed. Taehyung's cheeks were deeply flushed, amplified by the flattering pink light cast over him. You giggled.   Had this really just happened? Because it felt so right. Or was it just the relief of sex? But masturbating had never made you feel this emotional before... You looked up at Taehyung's face again and he smiled softly, his hand caressing your bare back up and down. It was definitely him.

#taehyung #networkbangtan #bts #bts v #v #taehyung angst #bts angst #bts smut #taehyung smut #bangtan #bts fic #taehyung fic #tae #v smut #v angst #smut #angst #fic #kpop #kim taehyung #friends to lovers

[heart-forge]

I read some tyranny fic by you and then played Bad Ritual and Hybrid, and I am SO in love with your writing style! What inspired both of those games, and what inspires you to write interactive fiction in general?

AH THANK YOU 💚 God I love writing for Bleden Mark. Tyranny is one of the big inspirations behind a future game I want to write, but as far as Bad Ritual and Hybrid go....h’m....Hybrid for sure was partially inspired by a dogshit terrible class I was taking at the time. I’m gunna uh shove this under a cut because as a surprise to no one I am extremely long winded.

tl;dr Bad Ritual is kind of becoming a project where through exaggeration and a story about kissing a priestess or a demon on the lips we all learn a valuable lesson about solidarity with the workers of the world, Hybrid is a pent up rant about how much I hate 90% of the post-apocalyptic genre, and I like interactive fiction for the same reason I break into totally unprompted lectures about Elder Scrolls lore and cry at the end of Twilight Princess every time: because I’m a huge embarrassing nerd who was born at the exactly correct time for video games.

It was about post apocalyptic fiction and the professor shouldn’t have had a job and cherry picked a lot of “violence towards marginalized groups” stuff (what did that have to do with post apocalyptic settings? you tell me because he sure never did), so I wanted to play with the idea of a post-post apocalyptic world (I had to write a formal pitch for a publishing class and that’s how I described it), where people are like just living.

Part of what I tried to discuss every time (but not at length because someone would inevitably ask me a question about the books and I didn’t read even one of them; sparknotes, babey) is the kind of fetishistic nature of post apocalyptic where if it isn’t outright advocating for a mass extinction event, it just really languishes in the idea of there being minimal people remaining, minimal people with all their faculties, becoming the god hero of the watseland...which like I said if it isn’t just open and shameful lust, then it’s kind of a shoe-gaze-y hipster contemplation of like “maybe it’s better this way” or “maybe this will fix all of humanity’s mistakes” which like 1) fuck you too, 2) is equally as fetishistic where, instead of having to solve our own structural problems they’re just solved for us through virtue of the world changing to such a degree that those systems can’t be maintained (plus like at this point....it seems a little naive to say that they couldn’t be maintained or that there would not be mass support for maintaining them). 

And that’s what Hybrid is kind of supposed to address (you don’t know who Roach is yet, but he is NOT a sexy villain, he sucks and we hate him), this idea that 1) we don’t get a weird racist clean slate, 2) our problems are gunna be exactly where we left them. While Hybrid does have a mass correction of environmental issues (that’s wish fulfillment), it doesn’t change who humanity is and instead will throw into harsh white light the reality that if we want to be better, we have to choose to be better.

Unfortunately, Bad Ritual isn’t that deep. I’m a deeply jaded worker of the world who has suffered existentially over the use and morality of my work (I worked in sales for a long time which doesn’t sound like a huge moral dilemma but it is) which isn’t quite the same as what MC does (honestly it wasn’t even supposed to be as deep as it can seem from a certain perspective now: MC was never intended to even accidentally seem like any form of law enforcement and they’re not (as in canonically they operate as a freelance bouncer, kind of), but I understand how that reading of it could come up; it was easier to swallow modern day mercenaries before, well) but being a worker is hard. And I aesthetically like demons and originally it was gunna tilt a lot more religious (as in from a catholic aesthetic overall/perspective) but ultimately I didn’t want to waste my time that way. So, instead it’s just kind of a classic empowerment story from a worker’s rights perspective. I’ve contemplated at least one ending that I really want to land although it needs work.

I like interactive fiction in general for the structural reasons that paid choices in mainstream visual novels is so lucrative: it’s engaging, and when done properly it lets me guide a story in a direction I want. There’s limits, obviously, and not all stories are made equal, but I also like it from my perspective where what I’m writing is kind of collaborative, right? Also, and this is a much more esoteric reason, I just really like hyperlinks! I did a whole project on them once for a class about multimedia! I just think they’re neat! I think digital media and multimedia projects are neat and I am exactly the correct demographic for them. I feel about it the way I’m sure someone in the 1800s bugged out for recorded sound!

#talkForge #bad ritual #hybrid #ty for letting me talk about myself this is a bigger rush than any uquiz could ever be #and I didn't even have to pick a taylor swift song (uquizzes that don't have blank space are useless to me) #Anonymous

[min-youngis]

ataraxia

gif not mine

~ Pairing : Lee Taeyong x Reader

~ Genre : Fluff

~ Summary/Excerpt : Under the light indoors, you can’t bring yourself to be as affectionate as you were in the darkness, the brightness making you feel exposed, thoughts laid bare, but you can’t stop yourself from reaching out with your left hand and letting it gently rest on the back of his neck, just sitting, thumb lightly stroking the bottom of his head.

Established Relationship

~ Word Count : 1,021

~ Warnings : uhhh like one (1) reference to vodka, and a dialogue that can imply sex if you think about it for too long

~ A/N : taeyong best boy, bless his soul

i'd love to hear feedback! spread the love!

masterlist in my description.

~~~

“Ten points for getting it into the second dumpster.”

“I already got it into that one.”

“I didn’t see, so it doesn’t count.”

“That’s a dumb rule.”

“You can’t be mean to me. I’ve just come back from tour, I need love.”

Changing your aim from the dumpster to Taeyong’s head, you flick the popcorn kernel at him instead. “You came home three days ago, and you got plenty of love, mister.”

He good-naturedly throws a kernel back at you, before pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders.

You’re about to engage in a kernel fight that you’re sure you’ll win, seeing as how Taeyong’s aim sucks big time, when you’re interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

Settling for a kick to his feet that are hanging next to yours through the grills, you clamber up to climb back into your room through the tiny window from the fire escape.

When you re-enter the landing with a box of pizza, Teayong's moved from the edge to the small, ratty, old couch you had put out there a couple of months back, when this became a regular occurrence.

It’s a specific kind of aesthetic, you think. Not sad, not happy, just very particular, how you two end up here nearly every night he comes over, with a blanket and a big bowl of popcorn, and on one memorable occasion, a bottle of green-apple flavoured vodka. Talking is minimal and what is talked about stays in the lane of frivolity and inconsequence. Just the miscellany of the city around you, neighbours fighting, a cat meowing in the back alley that you overlook, muted sounds of vehicles honking in the street.

Dropping the pizza box in the centre of the sofa, you take a seat on the other end, back resting on the arm, cross-legged to mirror Taeyong’s posture.

The two of you eat in silence, as the playlist that you’ve chosen fills the night. In a bit, the old man who lives in the flat directly underneath yours will probably stick his walking cane out of his window and shout at you to turn it down, but for now, you let the calmness of routine and the security that darkness provides wash over you.

“When do you have to be back at the dorms?” you ask.

He swallows a large, cheesy bite before replying, “Not until tomorrow morning.”

Humming in satisfaction at his answer, you finish up your own slice before closing the empty pizza box and getting off the couch, moving towards the edge.

“How many points do I get if it lands in the third dumpster?”

You turn around to look at him, now fully, comfortably spread out on the couch, one hand on his stomach, one hanging off the edge, a lazy, satiated smile on his face, and relaxed eyes that glimmer in the yellow light from your room that spills out into the landing.

“I thought my points system was stupid?”

Scoffing at his childishness, you reply, “No, I called your rules stupid. The points system is entertaining enough.”

“Oh, that’s much better, thanks.”

With a roll of your eyes, you turn back around, and aiming carefully, you drop the empty pizza box.

Ten points.

You make your way back to Taeyong, unceremoniously letting your body fall on his, your knee landing on his stomach. He lets out a pained “Oof,” as the breath gets knocked out of him.

“Sorry,” you mutter, as you shuffle around, trying to find a comfortable position under the blanket, before finally settling between him and the back of the couch, your eyes level with the top of his ear, giving you a perfect, uninterrupted view of the thin, breaking, silver hair on his head.

Throwing a leg over his thighs and an arm around his neck, you snuggle closer. The side of his chin digs into your neck when he turns and lifts his head in pursuit of your lips, an arm snaking around your waist.

His kiss just about misses, hitting the top of your chin, and he lets out a petulant whine, neck craned backwards.

With a soft chuckle, you shuffle down a bit so you’re at a convenient position and lean towards him, unable to stop the fond smile from taking over your face.

“Stop laughing at me,” he mumbles into the kiss.

You’re about to reply, (something along the lines of, “You’re just a big baby,” and, “I wonder how much money I’ll make if I leak to the press how soft you really are,”) when, as promised, you faintly hear a window slide open and a cranky voice saying, “Turn that music down!”

Giggling, Taeyong pulls away, eyelids fluttering open, as he ruefully cocks his head and asks, “Inside time?”

With an affirmative nod and a firm pat to his chest, you sit up, beginning your extraction process, as he leans down, picking his phone up to stop the music.

Ten minutes later sees you in front of the bathroom mirror next to Taeyong, brushing your teeth as you watch him dry his face, patting at his cheeks with a fluffy towel.

He pulls his hands down, revealing his soft skin that probably smells like the citrus face wash that you’re particularly partial to, strands of his hair falling onto his forehead, brown roots starting to become obvious.

Under the light indoors, you can’t bring yourself to be as affectionate as you were in the darkness, the brightness making you feel exposed, thoughts laid bare, but you can’t stop yourself from reaching out with your left hand and letting it gently rest on the back of his neck, just sitting, thumb lightly stroking the bottom of his head.

He looks up from his toothbrush that he’s squeezing paste on, soft eyes meeting your own in the reflection, and the two of you share a small smile.

You know that soon, he’ll get caught up in the studio and choreography and practice and comeback preparation, but post-tour Taeyong is easily your favourite. Spending calm, domestic nights in your apartment as he lets himself relax, away from the spotlight.

~

#nct #thekpopnetwork #kwritersworldnet #ultkpop #taeyong #lee taeyong #nct 127 #neozone #sm entertainment #kpop #kpop imagine #nct imagine #taeyong imagine #kpop fluff #nct fluff #taeyong fluff #fluff #kpop scenario #nct scenario #taeyong scenario #kpop fanfic #nct fanfic #taeyong fanfic #j writes #punch #kick it #imagine #regular #scenario #fanfiction

[bronsonthurman]

An Overwatch Player's Lament

I am writing an Overwatch article for a general audience--as such I am putting a lot of time into making it general interest. But as an Overwatch player who has been here since I pre-ordered Origins edition, I want to chime in while recent announcements are still relevant. If for no other reason so I don’t get sucked into the subreddit. Overwatch has been a bumpy ride.

It came heralded by such slick media that many of us were instantly sold on the characters. The cinematic score is also highly adept, sometimes so tearfully triumphant that I wonder if they aren’t targeting tear ducts with sonic frequencies. At release it was technically strong; the art style allowed them to be near cinematic without weighing down the game, while its net code produced too few hiccups to mention. Such factors disguised the thinness of the actual offerings--a single queue in a single mode was the entire game, with all those fascinating heroes arbitrarily picked from a roster with narrative crushing results.

Since then it has been a roller-coaster of balance changes, new features, major new systems, before even considering the inescapable impact of new maps and heroes. Every few months a major initiative is announced to address problems Blizzard created, unmanageable hero stacks, wildly varying team play, and toxicity, a category into which I will lump not just the reporting and endorsing updates, but also the competitive and arcade expansions. All of these changes stemmed from a need to separate player populations that Blizzard had put into direct conflict: solo run-and-gunners and tactics-strategy gamers. In the future I will explore this conflict in greater detail.

Of all of these, certainly 2:2:2 was the most decisive intervention in this clash. It was a rare concession to the mental game by mechanically requiring the teamwork that the objectives format rewarded with victory. Simultaneously the numerous death match, free-for-all modes random heroes, kept crying to run-and-gunners that it was still their game too. This from a title that is still only considering a ping system for Overwatch 2 and which hides most of it’s communications option behind custom binding and weighs it down with cosmetic emotes, voice-lines, and sprays that are there to reinforce the loot box economy. It is a sad irony that first person shooters, intended for running-and-gunning, values the minimal teamwork required for battle royale more than Overwatch does the maximal teamwork it requires.

Now for Overwatch 2 PVP they have announced 1:2:2, an initiative to reduce the team play by reducing the team and reworking tanks into brawlers. This step feels like a rejection to team players. We have too long been forced into solo strategies for surviving no-team matches, we’ve watched Genji get play of the game for our masterful graviton surge, and have gone unrecognized for game winning plays while Overwatch singles out players for their individual accomplishments.

One of my first impressions was that maybe Overwatch should just be an entertainment franchise. From the Overwatch 2 story trailer I doubt Disney would be any worse--the writing had plenty of trite Hollywood fluff already. Now looking back at the journey, and knowing the actual origins of Overwatch, I can’t help but start to feel a little betrayed. It is widely known Overwatch is the result of a cancelled MMO, the failed Project Titan. In retrospect it seems that under the highly polished exterior, Overwatch was a cobbled together effort to save sunk costs, and it shows in the mechanics. Why its ancestral MMO failed seems obvious; the dev team seems disinterested in the team aspect in particular and pushing the envelope in general. They just shipped a generic game in a gorgeous skin, doing nothing original except leveraging that aesthetic to normalize selling cosmetic loot boxes in a full priced game.

Overwatch feels like the leading edge of a wave of unfortunate game development paradigms. I am beginning to feel ashamed for promoting it, for introducing it to new players. This reinforces my trend away from console gaming. I am now playing far fewer video games in general in favor of game theory and indie development. I will save my money and innovate games myself if I have to. I have lightly prototyped systems that address Overwatch’s issues; unfortunately, I suspect that Blizzard is perfectly capable of solving these issues, but won’t. Ultimately the purse strings will choke off such innovation and the developers in charge are the ones who satisfy the money managers by working within generic game design.

Blizzard is hemorrhaging players and it is easy to see why. I am one of them. Over the last decade the weight of massive profitability has crushed the process of game development--this article concerns Overwatch, and thus Blizzard, but every major player is equally vulnerable to these criticisms of business practice. Add crypto-miners blocking participation in PC gaming, Google and Amazon showing simultaneous ineptness and determination to be part of the problem, and Apple being satisfied with owning the majority of the gaming market with mobile games that you’ve never heard of, it adds up to a rather bleak time for gaming fandom. For me the remaining appeal and possibility of interactive gaming rests in what ever Flash-like 2D sprite based games I can make. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a great AAA gaming experience. I am just not sure anyone makes those anymore. Certainly not expecting to get one from Blizzard.

#Overwatch #video games #blizzard games

[rinnnyxr]

I’m happy I’m sad I’m motivated I’m unmotivated I’m sick I’m taken I have a crush I’m in love I’m single I’m brokenhearted

I want to sleep I want to study I want to go out I want to stay home I have school today I have work today

I’m afraid of spiders I’m afraid of being alone I’m afraid of snakes I’m afraid of flying I’m afraid of failure I’m afraid of clowns

I took chemistry classes in high school I took math classes in high school I took English classes in high school I took geography classes in high school I took biology classes in high school I had gym in high school I took art classes in high school I took science classes in high school I took history classes in high school I took physics classes in high school I was in the theatre after school program in high school I had some sort of music classes in high school I had some sort of dance classes in high school

-

Bold the things you’ve never done.

I’ve never gone to Disney World. I’ve never been out of my home country. I’ve never kissed a stranger on the lips. I’ve never read a book over eight hundred pages. I’ve never painted a picture on a canvas. I’ve never sang in front of a large crowd by myself.

I’ve never had braces. I’ve never learned French. I’ve never had a fight with my dad. I’ve never updated my status through my phone. I’ve never used Nair. I’ve never cut my wrists. I’ve never wanted plastic surgery. I’ve never drank organic regular milk. I’ve never learned Chinese. I’ve never blew up a balloon. I’ve never changed a baby’s diaper. I’ve never lost my phone for good. I’ve never lost a friend through death. I’ve never met one of my grandparents. I’ve never met someone with my exact name. I’ve never dated someone with red hair. I’ve never put on eyeliner for myself. I’ve never took a dance class. I’ve never tried weed. I’ve never tried drugs. I’ve never cooked dinner for my family. I’ve never had anything besides my ears pierced. I’ve never had a tattoo. I’ve never went to the beach to tan. I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips that was younger than me. I’ve never dumped someone. I’ve never stepped in something nasty barefooted. I’ve never cheated on someone. I’ve never waxed anything on my body. I’ve never dyed my whole head a different color. I’ve never kissed anyone who was above the age of seventeen. I’ve never kissed in the rain. I’ve never gone a day without laughing. I’ve never got held back a grade. I’ve never stolen anything over twenty dollars.

-

Aries

Waiting until the last minute TL;DR (too long, didn’t read) Angry crying 4 am seamless Big flirt Hot yoga “Why are you so upset? I’m over it now” No filter Cutting in line at the store Skipping to the “good part” Ignoring the speed limit Tinder Shoplifting Exclamation points!!! Bad tattoos Caffeine addiction Toned AF Muay Thai “Don’t touch me” Breaking a bone Spelling errors Picking fights for no reason Lowkey really sensitive Skipping breakfast 7/24

Taurus Falling asleep on the subway Going barefoot Using hands as utensils Calling in sick Materialism Tree climbing Cuddling Controlling the aux Great British baking show “I deserve to treat myself” Aesthetics Spending the whole day in bed Anything that says “natural” on it Long-term relationships Expensive sheets Picnics in the park Essential oils Sex as exercise Tender Wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row Says a controversial opinion and then “I’m not going to argue” Calm, cool, and collected Silk everything 5 meals a day 7/24

Gemini Giving unqualified advice 50 different tangents “Prove it” Playing Devil’s advocate Can’t keep a secret Scamming Carrying a book around Arguing for fun Always knowing the latest gossip Adderall Spilling guts to the Uber driver Rationalizing emotions Lying to be more interesting Most active in the group chat Anxiety Telling the same story 10 times to perfect it Philosophy 1000 ideas per minute Sardonic sense of humor Full of interesting facts 23 best friends Internet memes Forgot how to cry Living a double life 4/24

Cancer Screenshots Same friends since high school Sleeps with a stuffed animal Vintage clothes Cries when yelled at Going home early Nesting Holding grudges Mood swings Drinking tea Supporting others’ chaos Social anxiety HGTV Super protective of loved ones Accidental emotional manipulation Cooking for friends Likes animals more than humans Meeting someone and immediately planning their whole lives together Empathizing with film protagonists Vivid childhood memories “Mi casa es tu casa” Serial monogamist Good emotional memory Big hugs 8/24

Leo Mid-day outfit changes Giving out compliments Taking an hour to get ready Accidentally flirting Making friends in the Uber pool Using a window as a mirror Passionate emotional outbursts Lowkey insecure Creating drama to avoid boredom Opening up after just meeting someone Going to the spa Needing to make opinions known Large but fragile ego Wanting recognition for your generosity Making a scene Pretending life is reality TV Giving really subjective advice Overdressed for the function Creative genius Social media as therapy Trying something and being instantly good at it Can’t take a joke Self-care Urge to stand out 7/24

Virgo Over-analyzing friendships Fact check Knowing a little about everything Helping people get their shit together Very specific tastes Fixing it or making it 10x worse Personal projects Health routines Pretending to have your shit together Repeating a task over and over until it’s perfect On good terms with your trash exes Stretching self too thin Stuck in negative thought cycles Noticing little things no one else notices Needs to quit like 3 things Nitpicking Self-sacrificing Hyperfocus Reading 3 books at once “Sorry for the late reply” Functioning on 3 hours of sleep Can’t turn brain off Neurotic Putting yourself last 17/24

Libra Fomo (fear of missing out) Saying yes to every opportunity A little bit of suck up Fear of being alone Flirting with everyone but your crush Tossing a coin to make big decisions Easily influenced Art films Strong sense of right and wrong Torn between being social and having much needed alone time New crush every day Going to museums Overthinking romantic relationships Truly admiring all your friends Adopting others’ hobbies and mannerisms Overdraft fees Showing up late or not showing up at all Avoiding conflicts at all costs Talking about past romances on the first date Gossipy but with good intentions Panicking when someone raises their voice Trying to see both sides Unable to end a bad relationship Pretending to hate drama 9/24

Scorpio Resting bitch face Keeping the right amount of secrets Has a “hit” list (either meaning) Needing to have control in relationships Knowing what you want and exactly how to get it Disappearing at parties Morbid thoughts Believes in “energy” Attractive Staring from across the room Stalking crush’s social media Fascination with cults Still in an emo phase Breaking hearts but sad about it Trust issues All black Existential angst Silently walking away from uninteresting conversations Chaotic emotions behind a calm mask Craving emotional intensity “What am I gonna gain from it?” Seeming intimidating, actually really sensitive Friendships of utility Loves crime 12/24

Sagittarius Losing interest and quitting anything that doesn’t come easily Giving opinions without being asked No inside voice Arguing as foreplay Backpacking trips Talking over people Stating opinions as facts Corny jokes Took one philosophy class and is basically Nietzsche now Always having the last word Using big words to sound smart Speaking more than one language Fueled by laughter Calling friends on their BS Asking for advice and then not taking it Needing to change activities every 30 minutes Telling it like it is Correcting people Unwaveringly optimistic Laugh can be heard from across the room Talking about a book after only reading the Wikipedia synopsis Learning a lot from travel Periodically getting rid of all your belongings Pulling out a party trick 9/24

Capricorn Fear of not living up to potential Overcommitting Anything ‘rustic’ Favorite song is the NPR jingle Has real, tangible goals Repressing trauma Always on time Slow and steady Minding your own business Prefers on one hangs to group hangs Work/life balance Putting more money into savings than you take out Acting 20 years older than you actually are Is prepared for the worst-case scenario Never asking for help Reading for fun Is actually normcore Taking care of business Taking things seriously Motivated by stress Minimalism Hanging out with the same 3 people Bashful around crush Holding friends to high standards 9/24

Aquarius Lowkey superstitious Obscure music David Lynch Weird makeup Self-given haircuts Bad at flirting Feeling like an alien Reding conspiracy theories on the internet Estranged from emotions Experimental poetry Martyr complex Being called a free spirit Abstract concepts Making plans and canceling them Intellectual superiority A little arrogant Loves an underdog Using a thesaurus Activism Fuck the rules Intentionally provocative Highly ethical Queer theory Niche knowledge base 1/24

Pisces Head in the clouds Misplacing keys Unofficially moving in with friends Easily overwhelmed Empathizing with plants Existential crisis #3 Really long showers Leaving clothes in a pile on the ground Using fantasies as an escape Romantic drama Need for constant validation Acts either 7 or 70 Incredibly active imagination Cripplingly self-aware Over-apologizing In love with 10 people at once Binge drinking Giving good advice but can’t apply it to yourself Secretly writes poetry Crying in the bathroom at work Can’t take criticism Mind reading #NoBoundaries Saying something deep out of nowhere 12/24

I am most like a Virgo (my actual sign)

-

You have an ex You don’t wear glasses You have blue/gray/green eyes

You’re pretty tall

You can drive a manual transmission car

You know how to change the oil

You know all about cars

You have a serious passion for photography

You’ve known your best friend since middle school You’re close friends with someone since elementary school You prefer Quiznos over Subway

You’re in a relationship You’ve had a rebound before You’ve been in a relationship for five years

You’ve cheated before

You’ve dated someone who was Asian You’ve dated someone who was Hispanic

You’ve dated someone of your own ethnicity You like to sleep a lot You were born in winter Your birthday is in February

You’re the oldest in your family

You have a younger sister You have a cat You don’t have step-parents You often work the night shifts at your job

You can play the drums

You know a lot about flowers

You’re allergic to shellfish

You like garlic You like a lot of cheese

You get real Christmas trees

You’ve been in a car accident before You’ve snuck people over to your house You’re part Hawaiian

You’re a Pisces

You have no tattoos You have no piercings You have brown hair You have a Steam account You don’t have a Twitter

You’re hardly on any networking sites

You have an XBox360 You don’t like Playstation products very much

You have relatives in Alaska and/or Hawaii

You have a Toshiba laptop

You love German Shepherds You love Welsh Corgis You are Republican

You are Methodist

Your room is rarely ever clean

You’ve drunk dialed someone

A nasty rumor has been spread about you You’re in college One of your parents was at one point enlisted in the military

You are close with your family You like paintballing

You don’t smoke You don’t do drugs

You have a habit of keeping things you borrowed longer than expected

[peach-pops]

hi emma!! im a big fan of your work and have just started my own writing blog. i was wondering if you have any fun and fresh tips for a newbie?? ps i always feel so fuzzy when i read your works bc the way you characterize makes my heart doki doki

thank you so much for reaching out to me! it means a lot that you’ve read my work and actually like it?? still so insane to me but congrats on making a writing blog are you excited!!! i remember being so anxious at first but don’t worry you got this! if you ever want me to find your blog, let me know!

here’s some tips that have helped me!

when you’re first starting out, don’t feel discouraged if your work isn’t getting as much notes/attention you hope for. Sometimes new blogs don’t get as much traffic through but the more content you post, more people will find your works! 

sometimes, you can judge a book by its cover and this is the same with blog aesthetics. having an aesthetically pleasing blog that is organized is not only more convenient for your followers, but also for you when you need to find specific things. this includes making a masterlist, rules page, etc. in your bio! here’s how to put them in your bio! 

with an “aesthetic blog” it really is up to you how you want to start it. colors?fonts?background image?icon?is the genre of what you’re writing obvious when someone clicks on your page? 

make sure to tag your works accurately while being broad at the same time. for example, when i write haikyuu x reader, i take into account that for the most part, putting haikyuu scenario, haikyuu headcanon, haikyuu imagine, etc. can all be listed under a normal haikyuu x reader. just make sure if your work is nsfw, tag it as such and if it isn’t, it’s best not to label it as a ___ smut/____ nsfw. 

don’t be shy to make friends or become mutuals! if this is a lil nerve wracking, you could always start by reblogging their work, leaving comments about their work, etc. so that way they can also visit your page and get a conversation going. mutuals aren’t required but it makes writing and tumblr so much more fun when you have someone to fangirl with and they could even help you with ideas! 

there are fun ways to keep your followers engaged and active! you could do sleepover events as a creative way to get to know your followers as they get to know you! writing and getting your work out there is always a plus but getting to know the people who enjoy your blog is even more rewarding. 

writers block sucks and yes it will happen to you. there will be days where you want to write and show your followers how hard you’ve worked on something but you either have no motivation or zero ideas. what always helps me is going on youtube to watch movie clips that include funny dialogue or interesting conversations to get my mind juices flowing! but just know that writers block is normal, find ideas through television, books, social media, or even just take a long break and separate yourself from writing for a bit! 

if you have requests open, don’t pressure yourself to write every single one. it’s YOUR blog! write what you want to write. a helpful thing i always remember is “write what you want to READ”. never be discouraged by using cliches or overused tropes cause there are so many people like me who will read them over and over again without a care in the world! 

Those are some of my main and basic ones! let me know if you have any other questions!!! I’ve also included some websites that have helped me when I write:

podomoro timer: a time management method that uses a customizable timer to break down works into a set of intervals separated by breaks. helps me a lot when i have writers block and i force myself to sit down and write something- also works for school work. 

words to use instead of said: title speaks for itself but this website is categorized by moods/emotions like words associated with persuasion, disgust, fear etc. nothing wrong with using said a lot but i know when i write, i like changing it up a bit! 

canvas for banner:  i made my background header and post headers (masterlist, about me, rules etc.) all on canvas! i never pay for it i download a less hd version to save money but if you want to pay for it, it isn’t too pricey! i use the “colorful minimal nature pantone calendar” for banners but i just delete the dates/months and i customize the rest. 

descriptionari: whenever i have terrible writers block or struggle with writing about the five senses, i type different/random writing ideas within the search bar and read ideas of how others have written ideas. an example would be “a rainy day” or “pleasant smell”. this is not a method to plagiarize! this is only for getting a grasp of what others write when you think of a certain word or phrase!

#hope this helps #writers advice #highly rec the pomodoro timer

[capriccio-con-espressione]

Lovely

Genre: Smut

Warning: Sub!Winwin, Dom!Reader, Femdom, Dollification/Objectification, Mirror sex, Degradation, Praise kink, Corruption kink, Spanking, Pegging, Hair pulling, Overstimulation, Profanity, Toys used: Vibrator+Prostate massager+Open mouth gag

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N:

Happy Winwin day 💗☁️✨

I strongly suggest you read the lyrics of Lovely beforehand because some of the dialogues and descriptions are correspondent with it. The reason the song inspired me is not only due to Winwin and Ten's beautiful dancing, but also I think the lyrics speak the mind of subs pretty well.

This gif got me thinking elsewhere though, and it did inspire me to some extent ;) Anyways hope my lovelies enjoy Doll Sicheng as well ❤️

Feedback is appreciated! :)

  You fix the waistband of Sicheng's white trousers that you just adorned him in, before slipping the next clothing over his head, carefully and lovingly, just like a little girl dressing her cherished doll. You have booked the themed motel room for your birthday boy's special playtime, knowing too well that he's going to enjoy it, just like a getaway from reality that you promised him, a place that he can feel alive then outside he can fight his fears. 

  The interior of the room is surrounded by white walls decorated with symmetric patterns in pastel blue and pink, corresponding with the designs on the cushions on the bed, with gentle yellow lighting emitted from the intricate chandelier creating a cozy dreamy atmosphere. In addition to fulfilling your fantasy, the embroidered round-framed window, plus Rococo style furniture, with a set of exquisitely painted ceramic tea set propped on the side table, every single decor in your playroom gives off a stylish cutesy dollhouse vibe. The only thing that insinuates something not so innocent is the full wall mirror situated right in front of the bed, reflecting all the fantasy filth that is about to unfold.

  “Such a beautiful little lovely doll…” You compliment as you zip up the cardigan for Sicheng, who is seated at the edge of the bed in front of your kneeling self, his body pressed against your chest for support otherwise he will fall like a boneless rag doll, while his eyes stare blankly into the mirror, witnessing his transformation into the doll you want him to be.

  “Here, let baby dollie’s owner make him look even extra gorgeous…” You reach for the gray blazer and proceed to dress him, lifting his limp arm up and guide it through the sleeve, then repeat the same process for the other arm, but this time more slowly and affectionately. Your hands wander all over his chest, leaning down to his ear level to whisper praises on how aristocratic he looks right now, so close to his body that you can literally feel his racing heartbeat, in great contrast with his stoic expression. You smile, knowing how much praises and being fully under your control turn him on.

  “I’m not done with dressing you yet, doll. It’s getting colder, and my dolly needs one last piece of clothing to stay warm and complete the look...” You gently coo as you drape the large white leather jacket over his shoulders, making him look chic and fashionable, the ideal aesthetic appeal that lives up to your taste. You wrap your arms around his well-dressed body, basking in the intimacy of dressing your doll, not only due to the physical contact with him during the process but also because of the granted opportunity to unleash your artistic creativity on your lover, as well as last but not least, the empowerment to decide every single detail for him.

  But still, you know there’s still something missing about his appearance. You take your beauty bag with you, approach his frontside then straddle him, cradling his head for his support. You quickly finish his base make-up plus some contours, then move on to accentuate his eyes with some smoky brown gradient and light golden shimmer, topping it off with eyeliner and mascara to give him a flirty dolly look, but not to the extent of fakey exaggeration. Last, you apply your favorite shade of coral pink on his lips, while making sure to breathe dangerously close to his face as well as subtly grind on him, starting to heat things up now that he’s close to completion.

  “My baby doll looks so pretty already now...but one more thing…” You get up and release Sicheng, causing your doll to fall back onto the mattress, which is your deliberate move to test if he’s still in his headspace or not. But much to your satisfaction, he incorporates his instincts as a dancer into this play so well that even a simple fall looks pure aesthetic. You make your way to retrieve the accessory, but spend some moments to just stand there and admire his graceful posture on the bed, in an attempt to heighten his anticipation with your piercingly possessive gaze.

  “Hmmm looks like I shouldn’t ignore my lovely doll for too long…” You crawl over on top of him after seconds that seem so painstakingly long for him, and slide the leaf-shaped silver collar pin between his lips. “Even better.” You compliment, as you begin to press your weight further onto him, only millimeters away to make actual contact yet holding a teasing distance.

  “Such pretty kissable lips…I would love to smooch then invade them...sadly that would smear and ruin your perfect look.” You feign disappointment in your voice. “Or that’s exactly what my pretty doll wants, hmm? Getting all ruined and messy...” You darkly chuckle as you can feel Sicheng trembling subtly underneath you, fighting back his desires to crumble in order to be an obedient doll.

  Satisfied with your work, you begin to move on to the next phase of your fantasy, that is, to gradually corrupt and dishevel this epitome of perfection. Getting off his body, you sit his soft limp body on your lap, starting with some innocent kisses on his clothed body, then to some inappropriate touches on his crotch, as he struggles not to squirm, his hitching breath still fairly noticeable.

  "Interesting...my dolly making such cute breathy noises when touched here...wow I never realized that this doll can be interactive…" You fake innocence to taunt his arousal just like a little girl discovering a new way to play with her toy for the first time. 

  "I wanna see what can I get by touching you more…" Your voice trails off as you lightly bite his pinkening earlobe, while unzipping his fly to reveal his half-hard member.

  "Hmmm...why does my doll keep getting longer and thicker? It's so intriguing! Makes me wanna play with you more…" You go on pointing out his reaction with your hand moving up and down his shaft. “I’m so curious to see how big you can get!”

  Sicheng’s mind goes blank as he desperately tries to minimize his movements, the pleasure on his dick and your provocatively innocent words both making it hard for him. However, you still level up his challenge by pulling down his trousers further to expose him even more. Initially, he thinks he can take the torture much longer since he’s starting to get accustomed to the stimuli on his shaft, however, when your fingers suddenly go down to fondle his balls, pressing the sensitive patch of flesh on his taint all of a sudden, he loses it instantly, moaning out and dropping the leaf pin while his hand spontaneously go up to grab yours.

  It takes him a few seconds to realize that he’s broken the rules. “Well? What a disappointment.” You sneer as you lightly slap his cock. “Can’t even be a good doll and maintain your supposed posture. Looks like you are unworthy of my affection and praises.” You continue to scold him as you make him stand on all fours, sliding his trousers down to knee level. “You should be punished. Bad dolly.”

  Slap after slap on his bare erogenous zone only makes Sicheng anticipate the humiliating sting even more, as he looks down on the mattress beneath him and bites on his lip a little to not moan out of pleasure. To make his punishment worse, you grab his hair and tilt his head to the side, forcing him to make direct eye contact with the rosy tint blooming gradually bigger on his ass. The sight and sound of his spanked upturned bottom, as well as the way his trilayered stylish clothing on his upper body sinfully mocks his naked abused flesh down south, both fulfill your fantasy to corrupt your originally perfect doll, as you bask in the sadistic glory as Sicheng’s slight change in facial expressions gives away the signs of his surrender.

  “Fuck dolly it feels so good to smack that firm delicious ass of yours.” You give him one last spank before reaching down to collect droplets of his pre-cum on your palm. “It’s so obvious now that my shameless dolly likes being hurt and used…” You muse before presenting that hand to him then smear it over his cheek. “You are no longer the Ken doll for dressing games because you don’t deserve it. Instead, from now on, you are my fuck doll that will cater to my desires however as I please.”

  You flip him back on his back, tossing away his undergarments, then unzip his cardigan to reach underneath it and tease his nipple with one hand while the other pumps his cock, your mouth also working on to suck and lick his newly exposed neck. Your sudden bite on his sweet spot causes him to lose his composure again as he let out a noticeable shudder and a moan. Sicheng looks up at you, his gaze a mixture of fear and anticipation of getting punished again, but instead, this time you decide to be soft on him to save the real thrill for later.

  "Looks like I’ve earned myself a great deal to have you in my collection. Even the way you writhe and squirm is pure unparalleled beauty..." You peck his lips lovingly before brushing your finger over them. “Also your lovely moan...angelic as fuck...let’s see what you can do with that pretty mouth of yours, fuck doll.” You smirk as you get off the bed to bring some toys into the play.

  After putting on your pretty pastel blue strap, you shove a lip-shaped gag into him that forces his mouth open, whose color matches his lipstick shade as well. “Do as what I say, fuck doll.” You tug his hair while slapping his face with the dildo. “Suck.”

  Sicheng’s forcefully opened mouth guarantees your full access to it to fuck with as much as you want. Sometimes you will just guide his head to bob along the shaft, but most of the time you are the one taking control as you ram into his mouth hard and fast, causing tears to stream down his eyes. But still, you still are fully aware of his hands on the back of your thighs, reminding yourself that if it’s getting too much, he will pinch it three times consecutively as a signal to stop. Luckily, he shows no indication for you stop what you’re doing until you decide it’s time to wreck other parts of his gorgeous body.

  “My fuck doll’s mouth is so good...taking me so well…” You compliment as you pet the back of his head affectionately. “Now lie down.” You instruct as he quickly obeys. “I remember reading the manual that says little fuck doll’s hobby is anything that involves lying down hmm? Like lying down and getting fucked senseless hmm?” You snicker as you get between his legs and start lubing his entrance.

  After adding fingers gradually from one to three, with Sicheng successfully holding in his moans and any movements that are too obvious, you decide to reward him with some pleasure to prep him for your cock more. “Good fuck dolls like you should be charged before use…” You hum then stuff a prostate massager into him and immediately switch up to the highest setting, causing him to jolt, but is soon held down by your body on him and your tongue invading his drooling mouth, that is, according to you, “to fully recharge him with full energy”.

  You soon replace the massager with your fervent thrusts after ensuring some proper lubing again, with your hands busy working on his leaking dick as well, as he pliantly lies back and lets you do whatever that pleases you. The ban to control his muscles under his free will only heightens his senses, every thrust you make becoming extra powerful and pleasurable as he feels his orgasm nearing, as he blinks three times in a row to inform you, and of course that doesn’t go unnoticed as you are extremely attentive of his reactions. “Let that dolly juice out, baby doll. You have been so good for me…” Sicheng is internally surprised that you are granting him permission this easily as he cums without a second thought, but little does he know what is more in store for him.

  It isn’t until he is flipped on all fours, facing the mirror again does he realize that you are not done with tormenting him. “Looks like my doll is already getting motionless and spiritless just from a single orgasm, maybe I should re-charge your energy to make you my upgraded fuck doll shouldn’t I?” You wickedly smirk as you press the vibrator against his member, while resuming to abuse his prostate again. “You’d better look at your filthy slutty face dolly.” You order as you slap his ass. “Your possessor’s not gonna stop fucking you over until she says so.”

  The humiliation of having to witness his messy self during intercourse and the pain from overstimulation are already difficult for Sicheng’s still weak body to take. But what urges him on is his ultimate desires to be used and exploited without any free will, and the fact that you’re able to gain full control of him without any physical restraints on his limbs keeps reminding him of the place he truly belongs, that is, to be a good subservient doll for your entertainment.

  “Always in your headspace, aren’t you?” You whisper to him as if you’re reading his mind. “You could’ve easily defied my commands, but you didn’t, why?” You switch up the settings of the vibrator to the medium level. “Because deep down you want to be a mindless doll, kept safe from any responsibilities in reality, even if that means getting torn to pieces, skin to bone. Pathetic, aren’t you?” You switch up to the highest level, thrusting into him as fast as you can while smacking his ass from time to time, the physical sensations plus what you have spoken earlier both fueling his masochistic needs even more.

  “You...do need a place...to hide, and you....can find one near.” You coax between pants due to your hips’ arduous work. “That is, the orgasm I’m granting you. Release yourself, baby doll. Cum so hard for me that you can’t think anymore.” 

  The line between soreness and gratification begins to blur for Sicheng as he cums for the second time on your command. You then remove the vibrator and gag from him, lying him back down again, drowning him with reassuring kisses as well as praises again before getting up to bring him the cup of tea you just brewed with the motel tea set beforehand, knowing he’s bound to have a dry mouth after such excessive drooling and intense orgasms. Sicheng sips the warm liquid as he immerses in the afterglow, still getting a tingle in his lower body after noticing the cum and sweat stains on those fine clothes, making him look so depraved and so used.

  You proceed to clean him up and help him change into his casual comfy wear again after he’s fully cooled down from the adrenaline boost. You embrace him so tightly that it seems like you’re afraid you will lose him.

  “I can tear you to pieces, skin to bone.” You rock him gently in your arms, fingers gently brushing between his silky strands. “But I can sew you back up and cure you, even more complete and wholesome than ever before.”

#nct #nct 127 #wayv #winwin #winwin smut #dong sicheng #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #wayv imagines #nct smut #nct 127 smut #wayv smut #nct hard hours #wayv hard hours #sub!nct #sub!wayv #dom!reader #my writings #sub!winwin #happywinwinday #lovely

[thecomfywriter]

On Writing Eating Disorders...

@thecomfywriter (original post; remember to tag me or lmk if you want to repost it)

NOTE: Everything in this post is based off of my personal research, thoughts, opinions and experiences. 

If you or a loved one has an eating disorder, please seek help by letting a loved one know, or contact one of these resources. Take care of yourselves, lovelies. 

Toll-Free Number (NEDA):  1-800-931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741

Eating disorders are often misrepresented in the media, rather in being glorified, or romanticized, or flat out ignoring some types while claiming others are a choice. As a person who has recently recovered from an eating disorder, these representations can be incredibly harmful and add to the stigmatization of the serious mental illness. As a writer, I thought I’d give some pointers of what to do and what to avoid when writing eating disorders.

1) Do your research

There are many different types of eating disorders, each with different symptoms and different treatment plans. It isn’t just anorexia nervosa, bulimia and binge eating disorder (although this one is also not handled much or not properly). Here’s a list of eating disorders and their basic definitions. 

TRIGGER WARNING:

Anorexia Nervosa: officially defined as the ed with dramatic weight loss or an aim for a weight below the healthy amount for age and height. characterized by extreme restriction in food, types of food and calories. 

Bulimia Nervosa: subtype of anorexia involving a purging method in order to maintain low weight or dramatically lose weight. Purging can include extreme/obsessive exercise, vomiting, and/or use of laxatives. 

Binge-Eating Disorder: reoccurring episodes of eating large quantities of food followed by shame or discomfort. Typically, these episodes are performed in secret, and include a feeling of lack of control. Binge eating disorder is not overeating once. It is a very serious and life threatening disorder where the sufferer feels a lack of control in eating to a point of discomfort repeatedly. 

OFSED: encompasses individuals who don’t meet the specific guidelines for the other types of eating disorders but still engage in disordered eating behaviors. Includes frequent binge eating episodes and possibly purging episodes, body image issues (may include body dysmorphia), frequent dieting behaviours, restriction, “burn off” calories consumed, etc. 

Orthorexia: included in OFSED, which is defined as an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy/clean to the point of disorder eating and restrictive behaviors. Often shares symptoms with bulimia nervosa (burning off calories through exercise) or anorexia (needing to eat clean/vegan/organic/etc.) Individuals may express body image issues through their desire to be “lean” or “skinny”

ARFID: known as the Selective Eating Disorder, involving limitations to types of food or amount of food consumed without the distress of body image or fears of fatness.

NOTE: these are general terms and definitions. I want to make clear that eating disorders do NOT have a body type or “look”, which brings me to point two. 

2) Eating disorders do not have a “type” or “look”

We see this a lot. The anorexic girl is stick thin, dainty and pretty. The bulimic is probably thin too. The binge eater is fat. 

It’s not that general. 

I was anorexic long before I was skinny. Some anorexics never become skinny. Most people with restrictive eating disorders are actually on the ‘average’ to ‘higher’ end of the scale. Just because someone has a specific weight, that doesn’t mean they don’t have a mental illness. That’s not how mental illness’s work. They are mental meaning they are about what’s in your head, not how your body looks. 

If you’re writing an OC with an eating disorder, consider separating their body type from their eating disorder. Eating disorders are about the mental anguish and the overthinking and fear related to food. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food, not a weight or body type. Not only will you be representing ed’s better, it is actually a lot more interesting to read (the books I’ve read focusing on the mental pain of having an ed are wayy better than, omg I wanna be skinny but I can’t see that I already am. Not saying that body dysmorphia isn’t a thing. It 100% is. I have it. But it’s often oversimplified and almost mocked in media, which sucks ass).

3) Do not discriminate

First of all, there is a huge underrepresentation of men with eating disorders. NEWS FLASH: BOYS CAN HAVE EATING DISORDERS TOO 

This also goes for age. I personally know people who have eating disorders ranging from 6 years old (I know it’s sad) to in their late 40′s. Eating disorders do not discriminate based off age, nor sex, nor sexual orientation, nor race. 

There are black people with eating disorders. There are asians with eating disorders. There are south asians and latinos and hispanics with eating disorders. There are old people and young people, and boys and girls, and gays and straights with eating disorders. It’s not just the average white teenage girl. Take it from the indian recovered anorexic. 

Don’t be afraid, and honestly, please do consider adding diversity in your representation of eating disorders. Consider the cultural aspect of how the standards of each of these POC societies affect body image. 

An example of this is, in indian culture, people are very blunt. They also glorify weight loss, but don’t be too skinny either. It’s all about looking fertile, but heaven forbid you put on too much weight. This affected me so much when I went on vacation and met with family, and they all started commenting on my weight or pinching at my developing body. It was hurtful. It was even worse to hear them say I looked healthier because of my weight gain because for an anorexic, hearing ‘you look healthier’ is synonymous with ‘you look fat’. 

Also, the type of food per culture! Indian food is very healthy but also very dense, so it was my number one fear food when I still had my ed. 

Consider all of these things when adding representation, and ADD REPRESENTATION.

4) DO NOT GLORIFY or ROMANTICIZE EATING DISORDERS

I can’t say this enough. Please do NOT glorify or romanticize eating disorders. Often times, the anorexic girl is “dainty” and “pretty” with a “slim weight that you can hold in your hands”, or “is so beautiful but she just can’t see it”. 

BLEGH! VOMIT!  STOP! DO NOT DO THAT!

Every time I read that, a part of me dies inside. There is nothing aesthetic or dainty about having your bones show, or having such little weight on your body that you physically can never get warm, even after wearing four layers of clothing. There is nothing romantic or aesthetic about having your bones rub together every time you try to sleep or having joint pain at 17. There is nothing romantic or aesthetic about shaking in fear every time someone touches you because you are so scared of someone touching your body, or judgement, or discovering how sick you are. There is nothing aesthetic or romantic about eating disorders. Period. 

Please stop using language that makes an aesthetic out of eating disorders. Please stop describing it as if it is just a “dainty waist” or “tiny wrists,” because a) it implies only skinny people having eating disorders, and the skinny people with eating disorders are more brandable and “pretty”, whereas every other body type isn’t (WHICH ISN’T TRUE); and b) it adds a positive connotation, or almost makes eating disorders seem like a choice; like a diet gone wrong. 

Repeat after me: Eating disorders are NEVER a choice

5) STOP. WITH. THE. ROMANCE. SAVING. LOVE STORY. 

For some reason, most plots involving a person with an eating disorder (typically a pretty and skinny girl) involves a guy falling in love with her and saving her from herself, and being the reason she recovers. 

News flash! If love was the cure all for mental illness, my family would have saved me a long time ago. 

Mental illness is complicated. It’s debilitating. It steals your life away from you and it’s a long and gruesome process to try and recovery from it or learn to cope with it. I didn’t recover from my eating disorder ~through the power of l o v e~ 

My mom begged me with tears in her eyes for me to try harder and to eat properly. I yelled in her face. 

It’s a sad reality. There’s never a day in my life where I don’t regret doing that. But eating disorders change you. They can turn you sour. Starving is painful and it makes you cold. I wasn’t a kind loving person anymore. My family’s love wasn’t enticing enough for me to recover. The truth was, I was more scared of food and my eating disorder than I loved them. I hate admiting that, but its true. Which is why they couldn’t have been my reason to recover. 

It’s not the same for everyone. For some people, their family is the reaosn they recover. And I definently did try harder for my family too. But when I was in the deep, love wasn’t going to make me rational. It wasn’t going to cure me from my suffering. I was too busy pushing people away for that to happen. The sad reality of ed’s are that they ruin relationships a lot of the time. It takes a lot of resiliency to support a person with an ed because of how complex and difficult it is. 

I’m lucky my family did it for me. But I couldn’t expect that much from anyone beyond them. My recovery came from myself with the support of my family. I wasn’t saved by love. I was definently motivated by it, and supported by it, but that was only later. 

I’m sorry if this isn’t the happy truth you want to hear. I’m only speaking my own reality. Eating disorders are tragic. They have tragic consequences. Ultimately, some guy who is crushing on your OC, or who your OC is crushing on isn’t going to be the person who “saves them from their ed”. Your OC has to help themselves by reaching out to the people they love and to professionals for support. 

Don’t minimize the strength and bravery of a sufferer by making their mental illness disappear with love, because love is not a cure. Empower your readers by showing how your OC was strong enough to seek help, and what a big step it is towards taking care of themselves and recovery. 

This is just a general list. Sorry it’s so long. I can go more in detail if you guys want a part 2, or I can make more tip posts. Let me know if this helps. And if you know anyone or if you yourself are suffering from an eating disorder, please use your local resources. Tell a friend, a loved one. If anything, you can always message me on tumblr (@thecomfywriter) or insta (@tovwriter). I’ve been there, and I’ll always be here to support you guys <3

You deserve to recover and live a free and happy life. Recovery is possible. For you and your OC’s. Write a story that makes you feel powerful. 

Happy Writing <3

#writing advice #writing tips #writerblr #writers on tumblr #amwriting #wip #oc #writing community #writeblr community #original post #eating disoder recovery #writers #writing #tips #advice #books #bookworm #rant #writers on ig #eating disorder #representation

[scatteredcloud]

Top Surgery: What Really Happens pt 2

Tumblr decided I couldn’t put any chest pictures in sorry

See the first guide for details about getting ready and the pre-op appointment! This guide is about the day of surgery, pt1 is about getting ready for surgery

Getting Ready - Recovery- Drains

My surgeon was Dr. Jerry Chao, who’s based in the George Washington Medical School. If you’re looking for a surgeon on the mid-Atlantic, I would absolutely recommend Dr. Chao. He’s incredibly respectful and does fantastic work. He also does FFS, and breast augmentation, and while I can’t speak for those results, he certainly did an impressive job with my chest. He has a history of working with trans patients, and is really good at avoiding dysphoria-inducing language. It’s clear that he’s genuinely committed to helping you.

Leading Up To The Big Day:

-You’ll get specific details about when you have to stop eating and drinking before surgery, but for me, I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight the night before, and I had to stop drinking anything three hours before my surgery, which was 10am for me. (Apparently you have to fast because you might aspirate while under anesthesia, which means that your stomach fluids could get sucked up in the breathing tube which is, you know. Bad.)

-My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm, but they ask you to arrive 2 hours before hand. We got there at 10:30, just to be sure.  

- Like I said in the last post, bring something to do while you wait. It’s excruciating to be super nervous and then have to wait for a really long time with nothing to do.

-I’m not kidding about the waiting, once they call you back you change into your hospital gown, and then you wait another 30 minutes. My mom was able to stay with me until they wheeled me off for the surgery itself.

The Medical Stuff:

-The nurse came in to put my clothes and bag in a locker, and then she did my IV. I asked her to move it to my arm, because I’m really scared of anything happening to my hands. She said they do the lowest extremities by default so the tubes don’t get in the way, but you can definitely ask them to move it if it’s uncomfortable. She also put the pulse monitor on my finger, and that just gets taped on.

-This might not be true of other places, but I was specifically in with a bunch of other breast cancer patients who were also getting mastectomies, because it’s essentially the same procedure as top surgery. It made me feel a little dysphoric, but all of the curtains were drawn around people, so it’s not like they could see me or anything. It also meant my hospital gown was purple instead of a drab greenish grey, which I liked.  

-About a thousand nurses and doctors come in and out to ask you the same questions over and over. Be ready to read off your legal name (yeah it sucks) like five different times. They have to verify that you’re still coherent and that they aren’t getting their charts mixed up.

-Because the hospital I was at was attached to a med school, some students asked me if I wanted to be in a study for a new device to help place IV’s. It was a good way to kill a couple minutes, but obviously this isn’t standard.

-The original nurse came back in and gave me some pain killers ahead of time, so they’d already be working by the time I was out of surgery, which was a huge help.

-Eventually my anesthesiologist and his crew came in to talk to me about what the medications would be and what they did. One of them put an anti nausea patch behind my ear, which has done wonders. I don’t remember the name of it, but I’m sure you cold ask about it. Then they walked me through the process of what being put under anesthesia is like, but I didn’t actually end up being conscious when they were doing all the stuff they talked about.

-My surgeon came in and marked up my chest. I had a picture here but tumblr decided that an incredibly clinical and objective picture of my chest was too titlating. This is ehere you an ask any more specific questions during the procedure, you can also ask about specific aesthetic things, like nipple size and placement, scar shape etc. Obviously the surgeon knows what’s best, but mine at least was very accomodating.

-After that, the anesthesiologist came back in and put something in my IV to make me really drowsy. By the time we got to the operating room I was already out of it, I vaguely remember them adjusting my arms, but then it was lights out for me.

Recovery:

-Anesthesia really is like time travel, you’re being wheeled out one second and in recovery the next. That was the part I was the most nervous of, just like not being aware of anything happening, but I was too sleepy to be aware of that going in to surgery  -At least in my experience, recovery nurses are always more rude than the prep nurses. (My brother has to have MRI’s all the time so I’ve spent a good bit of time in the recovery room, some how they’re always kind of tactless) I doubt this is true of all recovery nurses, of course, mine was rushing me through the process though. They probably just want people out of there as fast as possible because of COVID. -I have on a compression vest, which makes my chest feel like the first time I put on a binder. It’s pretty tight, but it forces you to sit a certain way, and it helps the drains, well, drain. I know that some people just get wrapped in ace bandages, but either way, you’ll have some kind of compression on. This is what mine looks like: It’s going to look bumpy and weird with all the gauze on it, so don’t worry.

-I managed to sit up and drink some water right away, and I was just kind of groggy, which was good. The nurse brought my clothes back and I got my shirt on ok, but I was immediately too dizzy to stand right away. I ended up vomiting into the trash can next to me, but it didn’t last and I was able to get my pants on and they wheeled me out. -The nurse sort of explained the drains to my mom, but we ended up having to look up more information about them when we got home. THIS is the best source I’ve found for it. (Dysphoria warning, it’s a breast cancer site) Like I said, they were rushing. I was officially discharged at 5:30pm. -I don’t actually have a whole lot of memory leaving the recovery room and getting down to the car, I remember thinking that the nurse who was wheeling me out was going too fast.   -My mom had wisely brought a bag to throw up in, which I did one more time, but then I fell asleep again. -I was able to get into bed, and the pain killers knocked me out until about 9:30. I had a smoothie, took a sleep aid, and was asleep by 11:30. I woke up really early in the morning to go to the bathroom, and I took another pain killer. I fell back to sleep at about 5:45am, and then I actually woke up at about 9:30am. Overall, my pain level is super low. I feel sore, but I’ve been able to get up and walk around no problem. Honestly the most uncomfortable thing I’ve been dealing with is feeling my heart beat against the gauze, and that’s just weird it doesn’t hurt. It affects people completely differently though, so I don’t want to imply that minimal pain is the standard. I’m really grateful that this is how it’s working out for me.

I’ll make another post when I get my drains out, and when I can see my chest, but I hope this helps!

#trans #transgender #top surgery #post op #trans health #top surgery guide #smh i had to remake this post lile three times

[renaroo]

Thinking Positive

Disclaimer: Doom Patrol and associated characters are the creative property of DC Comics Warnings: internalized homophobia, depression Rating: T Synopsis: In order to heal, Larry will have to work on being more positive. It’s a long and difficult journey. 

A/N: I watched Doom Patrol last year and to say I loved it would be a major understatement. But the thing that took me by surprise the most was just how meaningful Larry Trainor’s story was to me, someone who also grew up surrounded by a lot of homophobia and feels like openly living with pride is still a difficult and ongoing struggle into my adulthood. 

And with global quarantine being what it is, I’ve had a lot of strange and curious time on my hands to work on things so far as mental health is concerned. And it’s had me thinking a lot about how sometimes negativity and cyncism is a coping mechanism that’s easy to use but damaging in the long run. I tend to take that perspective away from Larry’s story rather than the way the show sometimes dismisses valid personal fears of outing and shames closeting. So this rambling story came barreling out of me. I hope it makes some sense. 

Larry dismissed himself from dinner with the rest of Doom Manor’s residents.

It didn’t take much more than some dismissive words on his part, easily ignored over the rambunctious antics of Jane and Cliff, or the attempts to quell said antics by Vic and Flex. Rita was the most difficult to escape, considering Larry was her main outlet for commentary, but even she was willing to let him go when he stressed that he was tired.

He had tired rather easily over the last few months, and Rita knew why even more than the others.

In some ways, it was like therapy. In other ways, it was like torture. But that had always been Larry’s dilemma. He was rarely allowed to have one over the other.

Even before the Negative Spirit melded to his very soul.

When Larry attempted to frame his fears in less selfish designs, he framed his need for more energy as being there for the others. Cliff needed to have someone counter his gutsier instincts. Jane’s sarcasm needed someone equally verbose in it. And Rita, of course, counted on Larry’s counsel more than anyone’s. But it was easier, lately, with each other, with the others like Vic and Flex and even Dorothy, young in appearance and still finding her place as she was.

Besides all that, Larry had made a promise to himself that he wasn’t going to blame his reluctance on others anymore.

Which led to the closing of the thick lead door behind Larry. The slow removal of his protective bindings as the Richter scale crackled in the decompression port. The daily walk through his metal room and his radiation proofed furniture.

It was funny to think that his room had changed so little from the minimal aesthetic it had when the Chief first offered him a place nearly half a century ago. Funny, but also uncomfortable. Like it was wrong and stupid of him, but it had been so long that it would be weirder if Larry attempted to make any big changes.

He laid down on his bed and made himself comfortable, his hands rested over his chest, close to his heart.

Larry gazed at the ceiling and felt the rumbles deep in his body which let him know that the spirit was aware of what time it was.

“Hey there, buddy,” Larry said, voice low and tired. “It’s that time again. The one where I try to get stuff off my chest.” His hands tapped rather nervously over his shirt. It was light enough that the nerve damage kept the tips of his fingers from truly feeling more than the slight pressure of it. “Literally.”

For the life of him, Larry couldn’t figure out why he always started out so nervous and uncomfortable every day.

Then again, Larry had lived his entire life nervous and uncomfortable. It was hard to break habits formed over a century, he supposed.

“Okay, well, here goes nothing,” Larry sighed, closing his eyes and preparing himself. Idioms aside, it did not feel like nothing, it felt like everything every time.

“Start from the top? Positive things?” Larry asked out loud. With his eyes closed, the rumble from the negative spirit felt even stronger, more enthusiastic perhaps. “Of course, you eat those up. Alright.

”Today my azaleas began to bloom early. I got some rhododendron seeds in the mail. Chief is offering to get me a new greenhouse on the property, to expand things. Dorothy made me a flower crown. She didn’t use any of my flowers. I think she used paper and then with her, ah, powers turned them into real flowers. Usually, her using her powers is disturbing, like the whole thing with the puppets. But this was, you know, cute. I liked it. I mean it’s quicker to use a Snapchat filter, but…”

The negative spirit rumbles more abruptly. It gives Larry a sense of warning or disapproval.

“I know, I know, staying positive,” he sucks in a deep breath. It’s the sort of deep, lung filling breath that he’s only capable of thanks to the negative spirit’s possession of him. Their temporary separation reminded him of that. That, however, was an unspoken positive between them.

“I tried a new recipe, everyone seemed to enjoy it,” Larry continued. “It’s curried roasted eggplant with smoked cardamom and coconut milk.” He couldn’t resist the huff of a laugh that escaped him as a result. “Sheryl would’ve never believed it.”

There was a numbness that spread out from his chest. It was an overwhelming sense, but Larry considered it a good development.

He and the Negative Spirit both took a long time to have a response to his ex-wife being invoked that was anything other than overwhelmingly negative.

Still, it was best to trade subjects and not linger on old regrets. As natural as it was for Larry to do that.

“With all the new residents, this place has really gotten lively,” he said, arching his neck back more comfortably on the pillow. “I know I’ve let you out a few times to explore that for yourself, but you probably miss a lot of the little things.”

A gentle hum radiated out from his chest. Positive? Affirmation? Larry was still deciphering the finer bits.

“It’s good for all of them,” Larry concluded. “They fit together well. Well, not fit. The whole point of this place is that fitting is…”

He trailed off, catching his own turn toward negativity long before the spirit had a chance to disrupt him.

“It’s nice, seeing how meaningful it is for Cliff and Jane to have someone…” Larry scowled and lifted up one of his hands from his chest to scrub at his face. Doom Manor was so hard to contextualize sometimes. “Not younger. She’s older than all of us. Smaller? It’s nice to see Cliff and Jane both have someone smaller to look out for. Daughter. Little sister. However it goes.” He lowered his hand down to his side, away from his chest where he’d more acutely feel the rumbles of the Negative Spirit’s responses. “Did I mention she made me a crown? That was nice.”

Larry lapsed into silence, his eyes unfocused as they stared at his ceiling and past it toward all the feelings and regrets of a long life.

He never felt the need to regain a sense of fatherhood like Cliff was haunted by. But he had been a father, too. He had been a father of two.

And he never saw either of them again. Never tried.

Sheryl had taken them away to a better life. Maybe she remarried, to a man who could love her the way she deserved to be love. Maybe the boys got a father who could teach them all the things about being a man that were beyond Larry’s comprehension.

It probably would have been simple enough to find out, if Larry had asked questions or reached out.

But he hadn’t. He forfeited that part of his life, just like he had forfeited so much else.

In some ways, he hoped Sheryl had told the boys he had died. That way they never grew up wondering why Larry hadn’t reached out. So they didn’t have the accurate picture of what a coward their fearless flyboy father had been.

There was no telling how much time he was prepared to spend down that path before his body jolted.

Not without warning, the Negative Spirit seized through Larry’s body with force and separated. His eyes rolled back into his head and everything went limp and dark.

When Larry woke with a gasp, he already knew what had happened, but he sat upon his bed all the same and grabbed at his head in frustration.

“Look! This is part of it!” he yelled toward his chest. His heart was racing, equal parts the Negative Spirit’s pulsing and Larry’s own anger. “I know, I know we need to work on being positive, but you got yourself paired with one of the most naturally negative sons of bitches on the planet. This wasn’t just about you, alright? We’ve talked about this before. I was born negative. I’ve been looking at the dark side of things since I was seven years old and that’s not changed in a century. You have to work with me here if we’re going to get anywhere.”

He was answered only by the creaks and groans of Doom Manor.

“I’m allowed to remember bad things, you know,” Larry continued to argue. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe everyone’s right and I’ve been letting them rule me. I-I know you’re all right about that. But completely avoiding and ignoring negative things doesn’t keep them from existing. It’s dangerous. And it’s wrong.” His frown deepened. “I’d be more of a monster than I ever dreamed myself being, if I thought anything less than the fact that the boys didn’t deserve what they had to go through. Alright? They may be old men now, but they are still my boys. And they deserved not losing everything they ever knew. And they didn’t deserve all the secondhand anxiety and paranoia from me. Those are just facts. Even if they were unavoidable.”

Finally, the Negative Spirit hummed again.

“What? That’s what you wanted from me?” Larry asked, splaying his hands against his chest to feel the rumble more. “You wanted me to say it was unavoidable? Look, how many times do I have to learn these lessons until you’re satisfied?”

There was quiet once more.

“If it’s until I believe them,” Larry’s voice softened to a murmur, “we’ll be doing this every day for a long time. Maybe until the day I finally die. And even then it might not be enough. You know that, right? I’m pretty majorly fucked in here, and a good amount of that came with the package before you joined in, buddy.”

The hum was unmistakable that time, Larry felt it through his core.

Okay.

“Okay,” Larry repeated, laying back down. “Stop having fits the second we go into some territory you don’t like, I’ll try to respond quicker.”

There was another unmistakable hum through his chest.

“If you’re wondering about the conversation with Rita about Flex, then you probably were already aware of most of it,” Larry snorted. “I’m coming up on one hundred years old, I don’t want to repeat what I said to my best friend about someone else’s quads.” He tossed his head a little from side to side and then sighed. “They are nice, though. And admitting it out loud didn’t light me on fire, so, who knows. Maybe being gay does get easier with practice.”

That seemed to satisfy the spirit, and it did Larry, too.

Small victories — victories so small that a previous version of himself might have argued they weren’t worth celebrating, not for the amount of time it took for him to get to that point. But he felt the accomplishment all the same.

There were so many regrets and so much fear in his life that was still there, and he still didn’t believe that erasing all of it was the fully responsible or realistic thing to do.

But he could make himself lighter, in whatever small increments he could. And that was surely worth the battle alone.

#writing #dc fic #Larry Trainor #Negative Man #Keeg Bovo

[taww]

First Take Review: Gryphon Essence Preamplifier & Stereo Amplifier

Okay, let’s get this out of the way: with a combined retail of over USD $40k (and that doesn’t include another $6k for the optional Zena DAC module), The Gryphon’s Essence preamplifier and stereo amplifier are by far the most expensive electronics I’ve ever had in my home! They might be the Danish firm’s entry point into separates, but that’s akin to calling a $146k Aston Martin Vantage “entry level.” There was a time in the not-so-distant past when spending such sums of money on stereo gear struck me as pointless excess. Perhaps I’ve been numbed by flipping through too many issues of The Absolute Sound or walking the halls of an audio show; perhaps I’m just entering a life stage (mid-life crisis, anyone?) where I’m allowing myself to indulge in such luxuries. Whatever the case may be, I’ve now had the good fortune of several months with the Essence combo, and despite a number of people prodding me for this review it’s been quite difficult to put into words how they perform. Why? Because every time I sit down to do the “work” of reviewing I just end up getting sucked into the music and forget to do the reviewing bit! But, here goes...

The arrival of the Gryphon components was a case of one thing leading to another. My first experience was when I strolled into Gryphon’s room at RMAF 2018. After being disappointed by so many other mega-buck systems at the show, I was delighted that this one actually sounded like music! Frankly, a lot of über-expensive show systems landed on my ears like amusical hi-fi effects or whimsical fancies of what some people think music should sound like, rather than an actual musical performance. Like other big systems, the Gryphon rig was imposing and fancy-looking, but with a decidedly purposeful, even stark, aesthetic. And the sound - so tangible and luscious, maybe a little dark and brooding, but in a way that connected me emotionally to the recorded performance rather than distracting me with sonic affect. 

At the time I was happily running the Valvet A4 Mk.II monoblocks, and also had @mgd-taww​’s Pass Labs XA30.5 at my disposal. Both delivered the pure and colorful musical flavors of Class A amplification, and both are superb amps. But things got thrown for a bit of a loop when I settled on the Audiovector SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté speakers as my new reference. I had auditioned them at AudioVision SF with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated amp ($16k) and the sound gave up nothing to high-quality separates - big, bold and dynamic with tremendous poise and nuance. Coming back to the Pass and Valvet amplifiers (coupled with a Pass Labs XP10 line stage) certainly wasn’t a let-down, but they didn’t have quite the same level synergy with the Audiovectors which sounded more complete and visceral with the Gryphon integrated. 

This combined with the strong aural memories from the RMAF room led to a call to Gryphon’s US distributor, Philip O’Hanlon and Pandora Pang of On a Higher Note. Philip acknowledged that the Diablo was indeed excellent but teased that Gryphon had recently introduced a new line of separates worth consideration. The Essence had just arrived in the States and he had one more set in stock if I were so inclined... and next thing I know, a pallet loaded with what my wife lovingly referred to as “an illegal arms shipment” landed at our doorstep.

Serious crates for serious gear

Like all separates in The Gryphon’s 35-year heritage dating back to the original DM100 amplifier, the Essence line features pure Class A operation with minimal negative feedback, but brings it at a lower price point ($22,990) with more conservative aesthetics and practical packaging. Prior to the Essence, to get a Gryphon amp one had to shell out anywhere from $39k for the Antileon EVO to $57k for the flagship Mephisto (double those if going for monoblocks). The tradeoff is a lower power rating - just 50wpc, albeit in pure class A and doubling into 4 ohms and again into 2 ohms - so you’ll want to pair it with a reasonably efficient speaker. The Essence preamp meanwhile is a repackaging of the Zena preamplifier launched in 2018 (also $17,500), reskinned with cosmetics to match the amp. It features fully balanced operation via a discrete DC-coupled Class A circuit with zero global negative feedback, and can accommodate either of two optional internal modules, the Zena DAC ($6,000) or an MM/MC phono stage ($2,250). Being strictly digital I opted to evaluate the DAC, which I’ll talk about in a later installment. I’ll also save more details about the design and operation of this beautifully-crafted gear, including Gryphon’s unique Green Bias system, for a more in-depth review. For now, let’s get down to the business of how it sounds...

The Essence Preamp

When the Essence components arrived I clearly needed my wife’s assistance to safely unpack and set up the 45kg/99lb Essence amp. But she was busy making reeds for her oboe that evening, so I initially made do setting up the preamp (it weighs in at “only” 13.4kg/29.5lbs) and comparing it to my Pass Labs XP10 with the Pass Labs XA30.5 amplifier.

Firing up the Essence preamp from a cold start was one of those “damn, I don’t understand how a preamp can make this much of a difference” moments. Even though the Pass XP10 is a very solid performer - I find the sound of my PS Audio DirectStream significantly improved by it vs. feeding an amplifier directly - the 3x-as-expensive Gryphon outclassed it from the first note, taking musical resolution from the micro to nano level.

The first thing I noticed was how the entire back of the stage opened up. I never realized how triangular it sounded before, becoming narrower as you went deeper. With the Essence it suddenly feels rectangular and whole, with winds, brass and percussion able to naturally spread out and breath on the stage. It didn’t even take a big orchestral recording to experience this - my very first track was an intimate vocal with piano accompaniment, soprano Elsa Dreisig singing Strauss songs with pianist Jonathan Ware (Qobuz). The sense of the space - a church, as you can see from this video - and where the performers occupied it became strikingly tangible. Piano has starting clarity, with all its complex overtones unfolded and laid out for your ear to sample at its leisure. Dynamic resolution is also unlocked - subtle gradations in vocal intensity flow so organically. Going back to the Pass pre, macro dynamics weren’t Iacking, but the transitions somehow came across more synthetically, as if the volume dial was being turned rather than the performers modulating their instruments in the original performance. 

One thing that didn't change too much was overall tonal balance. I find the Pass pretty neutral and extended, if anything having a subtly warmish character to it, at least by solid state standards. The Gryphon doesn't deviate notably from that, leaning slightly in that direction though with more sophisticated and varied tonal richness and density. The quality of the frequency extremes, however, is a different matter. Most striking is how triangles sparkle and ring with startling presence on the Gryphon. With a claimed frequency response out to 1MHz, the Essence pre delivers the highest highs with a sense of ease and finesse. And the bass is everything people have come to expect from the Gryphon house sound - deep, taut and powerful with beautiful tonality. The Pass Labs wasn’t missing any of the music per se, but the deepest bass notes and highest overtones sounded constrained vs. the effortless and wide-open delivery of the Essence.

So, yeah - a preamplifier that costs 3x as much as the Pass XP10 sounds clearly superior. Not much of a news flash, and a much fairer comparison in the Pass lineup would be the XP32 ($17,500) or at least an XP22 ($9,500). But what took me aback was how a preamplifier like the Essence could bring out so much life and nuance that was being curtailed by an otherwise fine piece like the Pass. The net effect was to make the musical performance feel significantly more tangible, visceral and unclouded - something that even the change of a DAC or amplifier doesn’t consistently achieve. The Gryphon Essence pre is simply an incredible conveyor of the musical signal.

And we haven’t even tried the amplifier yet...

The Essence Amplifier

Once I got my wife to assist in positioning the hefty Essence amp in the cabinet (safety first!), I hooked up the Audiovectors via my usual Audience Au24 SX cables and powered up the Gryphon using the stock power cord (the amp requires a 20A IEC connector, so standard cords won’t work). I played a bit with the Green Bias settings but obviously settled with it in red-hot Class A operation for serious listening. And while the amp has since benefited from multiple months of break-in, it was apparent from its first notes that the Essence had resolution, clarity, dynamics and tonal completeness on an altogether different level from any amp I’ve experienced in my system. But there was something else remarkable about its presentation that’s taken me many months to put my finger on, and I think I might be finally getting it.

The Essence amp has a very special ability to deliver the leading edge of a sound with incredible speed, precision and clarity. I’ve heard amps with fast leading edges (some attribute this to high slew rate), I’ve heard amps with very clean ones (lack of distortion and ringing). The Essence delivers a combination of fast and clean that is truly exceptional, and perhaps close to the state of the art. Every impulse and note attack hits you with perfect timing and delineation, then decay with similarly impeccable control. By comparison, amps like the Pass Labs that struck me as very pure have a bit of fuzz to them. Ever listen to an AM radio station when the signal gets weak, and all the starts and stops of sounds get staticky and fuzzy? There was a bit of that feeling going back to other amps in my system... no, they weren’t literally fuzzy and distorted. It’s just that the Essence amp sounds exceptionally lithe and clean, removing an extremely subtle layer of distortion that became difficult to un-hear in other amplifiers. 

Coming from the Pass XA30.5, the Essence’s midrange was less overtly warm but even more substantive in tone. The Pass is certainly on the warm and lush side for a solid state amp, but past Gryphons I’ve heard had their own dose of chocolatey richness, so I was initially surprised by the balance of the Essence. It has the midrange density and lush tonal colors I was expecting from a Class A Gryphon amp, and yet it also sounds close to dead neutral in character. There’s a crystalline transparency that makes everything else sound a bit cloudy by comparison. Class A amps usually get the tonal part right, but can sound a bit sluggish or rounded dynamically; Class AB amps often have great transient speed but with some roughness around the edges and a bit of tonal hollowness. The Essence backs its exceedingly snappy and clean transients with real tonal substance and an infinite palette of realistic tonal colors. It can simultaneously preserve the gravitas of a string bass ostinato, the glowing warmth of a French horn, the delicate nasality of an oboe and the ethereal lightness of a flute all in balance. Orchestral recordings have never sounded this vivid and realistic in my home.

An interesting display of the amp’s prowess was in violinist Hilary Hahn’s recording of the Vieuxtemps Violin Concerto (Qobuz). The album also contains Mozart’s popular “Turkish” concerto which probably gets most of the plays; the Vieuxtemps is infrequently performed and mostly known by violinists as a sort of advanced student concerto (yes, my teacher made me study it). Vieuxtemps was a Belgian virtuoso of the romantic era and while the concerto has its charms, its orchestration is rather clunky. This actually made for a fascinating sonic experience in the concerto’s orchestral exposition, where different instruments pass melodic fragments back and forth in somewhat disjointed fashion rather than the more cohesive harmonization and counterpoint you’d get from a German master. A flute here, a clarinet there, a timpani roll or violin flourish coming and passing - the Essence conveyed each one with striking clarity and trueness of timbre and dynamics, arranging all the instruments across the stage in perfect proportion. So much of the feel of an instrument lies not just in its tonal makeup but the shape and feel of its notes - the reedy breathiness of a clarinet, the ringing “bong” of a timpani, the firm attack of a trumpet, the brush stroke of a violin. This is where the Essence’s leading-edge precision and lack of electronic haze help it truly evoke the feeling of sitting on the stage with the musicians, each and every instrumental entrance having that tactile realism.

Having been a classmate’s of Ms. Hahn’s I also have first-hand experiences of her playing, and the Essence strongly evoked memories of hearing her performing in recitals or practicing in our conservatory. Though we were both teenagers at the time, she had already developed her distinctive tone and focused intensity, and hearing that reproduced so vividly through the Essence and Audiovector speakers is uncanny.

The frequency extremes of the Essence amp, particularly in combination with the Essence preamp, are also something special - the crazy-wide specified bandwidth of Gryphon components is no joke. The speed and tautness and slam of the bass brings realistic clarity to the foundation of the music. It’s bass that I like to call “sneaky” for the way it doesn’t unduly call attention to itself, but then will come out and smack you in the face as in a live event. Instruments like string bass or contrabassoon are naturally portrayed in the orchestration, rather than getting buried in the mix. The top end is extended and articulate, capable of bringing out all the energy and brilliance of string, brass and percussion instruments, and yet certain recordings that tend towards brightness actually sound warmer and smoother than I've heard before. It sounds so pure and free from distortion, so that if there’s any distortion already present on the recording it does nothing to aggravate it. Sibilants and tape hiss and clipping are still there, yet come across less obtrusively, making them easy to tune out in favor of the music. 

Case in point: the DSD remaster of Strauss Don Juan, recorded in 1958 by the Cleveland Orchestra under George Szell (Qobuz). My wife and I have listened to this recording dozens if not hundreds of times and while the performance is riveting, the recording quality has always been a bit hissy and strident. My wife asked to listen to it again on the Gryphon setup for study purposes and halfway through I remarked, "does this recording sound a lot less bright to you?" She concurred - we had never heard it sound so clean and natural, and for the first time I didn't notice the tape hiss at all. The Gryphon gear really does excel at extracting the essence of the musical performance locked in the recording, neither artificially filtering nor amplifying the distractions of its mechanical limitations. I’ve heard far too many ultra high-end systems that need absolutely pristine audiophile material to sound their best. With the Gryphons, every recording in my collection has never sounded more distinguished and compelling.

The sense of space that the Essence preamp conveyed with other amplifiers becomes even stronger in combination with the Essence amp. I have never heard the different sections of a symphony orchestra arranged so palpably. Winds and percussion have clearly delineated space behind the string section, and delicate clarinet solos that are typically a bit hazy in recordings are conveyed with both clarity and intimacy. There’s something about the Essence’s blend of clean transients, tonal rightness and harmonic resolution that bring out the distinct ambience and texture of each recording - the aural equivalent of the “mouth feel” of a wine. Going back to otherwise excellent amps makes everything feel a bit more homogenous, a hair less stimulating.

There are a couple of potential shortcomings to call out, and they may be interrelated. The first is that the bass in combination with the Audiovector speakers isn’t quite as hard-hitting as with, say, the 600wpc Class D Legacy iv2, or as what I heard with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated; nor is it as plump and room-filling as with the Pass XA30.5. Quality-wise it’s exceptional - fast and deep and pitch-perfect in ways they can’t match - but sometimes I just want it to fill out the space a bit more and punch me in the gut a little harder. I mostly miss this when listening to pop tracks, e.g. anything from Billie Eilish where the raw punch of the Legacy amp factors more strongly than the n-th degree of refinement from the Gryphon.

The other nit is that the soundstage, while vividly painted, feels a bit less “generous” than bigger-sounding amps like the Legacy or Pass Labs, or the Gryphon Diablo for that matter. There’s a bit more emphasis on the precise constituency of an orchestra, as opposed to its sheer scale - a little more of the trees, a little less of the forest. To some, this may make the Essence feel a hair light in presentation, despite its rich and layered midrange.  Ears I trust tell me moving up the Gryphon line to the Antileon EVO or Mephisto can give you the best of both worlds, but those are obviously at increasingly exorbitant price points. 

I’ll need to try tweaking these area of reproduction more (e.g. cables), but as it currently stands, I could see the Essence best matching with speakers that are tonally richer and a bit less critically damped on the bottom end, vs. requiring care with something leaner and more laser-focused. It’s slightly lean with some recordings on the Audiovectors, and I’d definitely want to check before paring it with the likes of a Magico. It goes without saying that when you get to this level of fidelity (and cost), you should expect to spend a fair amount of time and effort on component matching.

As a side note, I was able to further extend the capabilities of the Essence via Furutech’s DPS-4.1 power cord (custom built with 20A connectors) and DSS-4.1 speaker cables. These upped the clarity and transparency yet another notch or three, opened up dynamics further and created a wider sense of space on recording after recording. I’ll have more on these excellent cables and how they synergize with the Gryphons in a future installment.

Capturing the Essence

It’s been challenging pinning down the character of the Essence system, the amp in particular. Even more so than other great Class A amps I’ve heard, including from Gryphon, the Essence amp has a combination of purity, openness, refinement, clarity, speed and dynamic life that defy the usual idiosyncrasies and limitations of Class A vs. AB vs. D. It’s dynamically fleet, rhythmically incisive, tonally sophisticated, dimensionally resolving, and sneakily powerful and punchy. In combination with the superb companion preamp, it uncovers a sense of space in virtually every recording I throw at it with greater detail and palpability than I’ve heard before, without seeming artificially holographic like some tube amps. The tonal purity and resolving power of this pair are simply at a level I have rarely experienced anywhere at any price. Moreover, the name “Essence” couldn’t be more apt - all these sophisticated qualities are squarely focused on conveying the beauty and quirks of the original recording without need for enhancement or editorializing to make it enjoyable. The closest aural recollection I have of this sort of musical resolution was the MSB Reference + Magico M3 system at RMAF 2018, which had a significantly superior DAC and a total cost approaching $300k. 

As for the price... well, I can say that the monies spent on a piece by The Gryphon clearly go towards obsessive engineering and craftsmanship in the service of state-of-the-art music reproduction, rather than ostentation or frivolous excess. This is musical fidelity of the highest order, and my new reference in amplification.

#review #firsttake #gryphon #amplifier #preamplifier #dac #audio #audiophile #hifi

[ecoplasma]

I always wondered, why do you like brother nier so much? I’m just genuinely curious!!

Many people asked this indirectly under my fanart, so here’s the extended version of my opinion why brother!Nier > father!Nier.

tl;dr: The fact they put more effort into the brother’s design, gave him more backstory and the writing being with him in mind all shows the design team wasn’t as passionate about the father, essentially making the story have less depth with the father as protag. That’s the biggest reason.

+ The fandom reaction everytime I post a drawing of brother!Nier (entitled whining). What, just because I’m not japanese I have to draw the dad? Get outta here.

- The father’s design is lazy. All he got after timeskip was a mask to cover up his mug. His design doesn’t fit into the world AT ALL, everyone from NieR looks completely different. Even the not-conventionally attractive older guys from Drakengard had a look that fit in-universe. Dad!Nier looks like they ripped every ugly protag from every WRPG ever, mushed them together and stuck the result in Gestalt. You can tell the design team wasn’t passionate about that one.

- Oh yeah, THE TEAM DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE HIM. Yoko Taro only implemented him because Square Enix’ western marketing departement told him to, and a pretty, skinny guy holding a big weapon would seem unrealistic to western audiences. Well hurrdurr, the game still sold like shit and Kainé wasn’t changed at all, surprisingly.

- The pre-timeskip cutscenes were directed and written with the young kid in mind AND IT SHOWS SO BAD. The dad version has the same sentences and body language and it looked jarring as fuck seeing a grown dude behaving like a 15 year old (looking at you „you and me are friends now!!“ cutscene)

- The brother has more backstory. His short story is fucked up (you know which one) but it explains a lot about the brother’s behavior: it explains why he’s so easily able to kill shades, why his bond with Yona is that strong and it gives a new perspective and depth to his character; of a kid who had no childhood, who had  to be a grown-up way too early to take care of another child.

- The story of a kid who had to grow up too quickly to take up a parental role is way more interesting to me than the story of some single father.

- Coming back to the design, a nod to the brother’s backstory is hidden in the design, as pre-timeskip Nier has his hair tied up while post-timeskip Nier has his down, symbolising he got over the events in his past. Meanwhile, the father got a mask to……..hm… look more like a God of War character? Because uuhhhhhhhhh the western? audiences?

- I like looking at pretty characters. I want my protags to look pretty because I spend so much time looking at them. White hair and black clothing also happen to be exactly my kind of aesthetic, and all that on a pretty guy? I feel robbed for not being able to get that version in english.

- I jokingly call Nier a harem game (because it is one), but the only ship that’s not absolutely fucking gross is dad!Nier and Weiß. For fucks sake, they raised Kainé’s age from 17 to 20 to make the romantic implications between her and dad!Nier less creppy. Gross.

- The brother has more development with the cast. With Weiß and Kainé  especially. Weiß went from belittling him and calling him a brat, to respecting him as an equal (whilst falling in love with him, please fuck the book nier).

- I can relate to a big brother, I can’t relate to a father.

- Lastly, I am fueled by spite. These are comments on one (1) single piece of  fanart of mine where brother!Nier doesn’t even play a center role. He’s just there and it got minimal attention (not even 200 reblogs), yet:

How this fandom can be this small yet this entitled, I’ll never understand.

This reaction everytime I post a brother!Nier pic made my opinion that much more negative. But I accept he’s there and that he has a place in the universe. You know, in contrast towards everyone who keeps telling me how much brother!Nier sucks, but I digress.

#Anonymous #i'm so sorry i'm such a sarcastic piece of shit in this #but ya'll can be annoying #let me have my pretty bro you have your uggo dad and let's all accept they both exist #thank you for your ask! i feel better now! i love ranting from time to time #this sat in my ask box for months #bc i didnt have the time to write an essay until now gfsdgas #ah this felt great i'mma draw myself some borther!nier now #asks #nier