#i honestly think she wanted me to be her therapist instead on some level. she practically said as much in our first session 🤦‍♀️

[punkwasp]

So there was a report done recently on the experiences of discrimination that asexual people experience. It's limited to the UK, but still, I don't think our community's had any reports like this done yet or much investigation into the issues we face.

I wish I had this every time an ace/aro exclusionist had told me that we "don't face discrimination like other LGBTQ+ people", honestly.

Key points I want to highlight:

Ace respondents to the UK's 2018 National LGBT Survey were half as likely as other respondents to say they felt safe being LGBT in the UK

Ace respondents to that survey also had the lowest levels of life satisfaction out of all sexual orientation groups

Ace respondents were also less likely to be out of the closet in their personal lives

Ace respondents were the most likely group to say they avoided being open about their orientation out of fear of negative reactions

Ace respondents reported negative reactions to their orientation even in faith settings, like being told that there was something wrong with them and they needed to pray about it

When ace people come out in education settings or in work settings, they are the least likely sexual orientation group to say they received "only positive responses"

Ace people are 10% more likely than other orientations to have undergone or been offered some form of conversion therapy

8.5% of ace respondents said that they avoided medical treatment or accessing medical services because of fear of discrimination or intolerant reactions (compared to 4.8% of all respondents)

18.1% of ace respondents said that disclosure had a negative impact on their medical care, compared to 7.4% of all respondents.

5.3% of ace respondents said that they faced unwanted pressure to undergo medical or psychological tests (compared to 1.8% of all respondents).

In one case study, an asexual person's doctor refused to refer them to a gynecologist until they sought therapy to cure their asexuality. Their therapist luckily knew what asexuality was and was able to refer them to another doctor, but during this additional time spent waiting (a YEAR), the asexual person developed extensive muscular damage to their pelvis which could have been prevented by early treatment by a gynecologist.

One of the criteria for IVF in the UK is apparently having had sexual intercourse for a year - in one case study, an asexual couple who had tried home insemination but were not sexually active were refused access to IVF for this reason.

In another case study, a woman had her access to gynecological treatment delayed when she was open about her asexuality, since she "didn't need the fertility". When she instead said she was sexually active and trying to conceive, she was immediately given an appointment the following week. This was to have a coil removed.

One respondent reported actively lying to their doctor about being sexually active because they were on antidepressants and didn't want to have their treatment stopped if the doctor thought their asexuality was being caused by the antidepressants.

Many ace respondents avoid seeking mental health services, even when needed for psychological conditions or even to cope with accepting their asexuality.

It's also worth noting that many asexual people are also lesbian, gay, bi, trans, nonbinary, or otherwise LGBTQ+ in addition to being asexual.

The report did not cover aromanticism, but I'm willing to bet that aromantic people face just as much discrimination as asexual people do. Hopefully there will be more investigation into the issues faced by aspec folks in general soon.

#i speak #asexual #asexuality #aspec #asexual spectrum #asexual struggles #asexual awareness week #acephobia #aphobia #ace awareness #acespec #asexual issues #ace issues

[acourtofthought]

"Do people honestly believe a character like Elain who prefers to have nothing to do with weapons and violence is well suited for a character who enjoys torturing people on a regular basis? Over her own Mate who has very similar ideas on hurting others and wanting revenge (which is to say they don't prefer it at all?)"

You nailed it.I believe some El/riel ship them together so they can have three brothers and sisters😍—when they have to understand that Nessian and Feysand were written to be compatible, EQUALS-Feyre is an high lady,Rhys is an high lord; Nesta is a valkirye to match her mate who is A GENERAL

What does Az and El have in common? NOTHING.

Well, it's a forbidden love; she becomes his will to live :D

Forbidden love where?we have already a forbidden love and that is Helion and Lucien's mother—the circumstances don't allow them to be together and her husband can kill her if he found out about Lucien.

That's the forbidden love we need to root for because we know that Lucien's mother deseves better—SHE HAS HELION'S KID, SHE COULD HAVE..ended the pregnancy but she didn't because she wanted a piece of Helion.

If Elain wanted a piece of Az, she would have kept the necklace.

She did?

No, she returned it.

Why? We need to find out.

Forbidden love where?

Does Lucien kidnapp Elain and threaten to kill her if she doesn't go with him?

No.

Az was going to risk the alliance with Lucien, invoking a blood duel to be with Elain because he believes he deserves her and to fit in the "Three brothers and sisters category".

Well Az is- No. We are adults, Az is an adult, he's not some baby to fuss over-it makes me laugh that is believed he's a soft baby and with Elain it would be the purest and gentlest love we have ever seen🥺(I don't lie to you that was some comments in Tik Tok😑) but we know the quote- the quietest person are the most dangerous and not in the good way.

Lucien didn't do anything to protect Feyre from Tamlin-Yes he didn't do anything and I acknowledge he's not perfect and he was caught in the middle between Feyre and his friend that he has known for decades...doesn't Cassian show that level of loyalty to Rhys?doesn't he defend him with all his might?

Yes the circumstances are different, but Tam was still Lucien's friends and at the end of the day he chose to save Feyre, without powers..so yeah..

Az has very serious issue and the last thing I want for El is to be his savior.

I believe he sees El as something pure to protect like you have pointed out in your analysis and that'a major flag—Az has self-esteem issues and doesn't see himself as worthy.

Do we want El to be his saviour?to show him that life is worth to fight for( what kind of message would send?to be the punching bag and the personal therapist of an assasin? Ew.No.)

No because El doesn't fit in the NC( and the author has stated over and over again that El prefers gardening and dancing instead of battles and violence; she returned Az's knife to him, a part of him)

In 2018 the author has made an interview and talked about Nessian's date's type and the last book of Acotar came out in..2021.

The author hinted Lucien's new companion in 2015.

I don't think she has changed her mind and with the bonus chapter she has shown how problematic Az can be; and if she wanted to hint a possible triangle, Az could have talked about about El's personality NOT her body, how soft and delicate she was.

He could have thought about unfair the mating bond was to give the woman he loves to Lucien; he did not, he didn't think beyond his sexual fantasies

He's not jelaous of Lucien because he has the woman he loves, he's jelaous of the mating bond and that is connected with his self-esteem issues; and if she ever wanted El/riel as endgame, why his chest sparkled when he thought about Gwyneth who doesn't seem bothered by violence and blood and doesn't reject who Az is, calling him shadowsinger.

Rhys was Feyre's savior and Cassian is Nesta's strength.

El doesn't need a savior or need to be strong(she doesn't already fit in NC☹-I'm gonna repeat it until the day I die) she needs SUNSHINE(LUCIENNNNN)

Also Lucien is the author's favorite character so she wants him to suffer MORE THAN BEFORE? What?

So all this build up from 2015 for nothing? A decade for nothing?

Sorry to rant, just angry that they reduce El to the soft and gentle love interest and for that she's matching with a cruel and cold spy😒

I've always got an ear to lend for any rants necessary! And you're right, Az and Elain really don't have anything in common and I think it goes over E/riels heads that the moments they seem to have something in common (like Feyre noting that they are the most polite of the characters) ignores what SJM has told us about Az. He did not have a normal upbringing, he learned to don the "frozen mask" in his fathers dungeon, pushing down his emotions. To me, Az acts the way he does because he learned later in life that in order to fit into society, you have to behave in certain ways. A lot of how Az acts in front of the others is because he's wearing the mask that he knows others would expect of him. Occasionally his true self slips through and it scares the characters. He's been able to hide that side of him from Elain but I think she'd be in for a big surprise if Az showed her his true self. And forbidden love? Does Elain know it's forbidden? And if she found out, do readers honestly think she wouldn't march up to Rhys and give him the exact same speech she gave to Nesta? Part of me thinks she heard exactly what went down between Az and Rhys in the POV (remember, she could hear the sea from the townhouse AND Lucien's heart beating through stone walls at opposite ends of the HOW) so chances are, she may have heard exactly what Az told to Rhys and Rhys told to Az and she chose to give back the necklace as a result. I highly doubt Elain would be a fan of hearing Az wanting to be with her because she's the third sister (saying nothing of actually liking her as a person) refusing to answer whether he's over Mor, and that he thinks so little of killing Lucien. Az is acting like a giant whiny baby right now and I honesty believe he needs to be put on a time out. He doesn't deserve to be rewarded with a mate at this stage (or at least not be aware that he has one just yet) and get a HEA before Lucien. And I want more for Elain than using her as a plot device for Az's self worth, forcing her to be the one to fit in to his world of cruelty, making it so she's there to calm the baby's feelings over his temper tantrums over Lucien and not getting a bond and feeling like he can tell others what Elain should or shouldn't be doing. Elain deserves to walk away from yet another person who thinks she's too pure and innocent and can't handle anything dangerous.

#anti e/riel #pro elain archeron #pro lucien vanserra #anti azriel #at least anti az as he acts with Elain

[msshadows97]

Santa Clauses S2 E5 spoilers:

I will say watching deadpool 2, then immediately watching The Santa Clauses is such a shift.

Anyways, spoilers are below for episode 5

We love daddy issues Kriss

BETTY!

Tim Allen is coming up with every excuse not to wear the fat suit.

YASSSS "look into my eyes What's do you see" "It's cold and its dark" that's the line from the second clause!

BETTY'S BACK!

Couple goals

Noooo, Betty, no leaving!

Being head elf must come with magic sass

Cal loving Riley ears is just so I grew in the north pole of him

Olga is me on a mental level

Will we ever get a like in-depth explanation of Claus magic powers? Seeing visions?

Mad santa started naughty coal, bet the poor families in the winter were actually thankful

Cal is talking to the reindeer, but still no Chet

Bernard acting like a head elf even before being head elf, honestly expecting nothing else.

The CIA elfs make me so happy.

"Being banished to the wobbly woods forever" that is the last line in the Elf Clause. Any elf that goes against Santa get banished

I want to know what Edie did to be above Gary. I do respect that Olga wants to maim Gary more than Santa scott. (Also, now I finished the fact that Betty is after Toots is impressive considering what she did)

STOP...... oh my god, I hate it. Scott is getting his powers back but facial hair first. I agree Carol he's about to sell me something. Or looks like the mayor of monopoly.

Betty and I think the same thoughts apparently because she just said what I just wrote (I'm pausing to write my thoughts)

I'm sorry I can't take this seriously

LA befana really out here being like, "Here's something to kill the bastard but it wasn't me"

I also agree she is a legendary figure? Yes, I know she's known in Italy and even celebrated down there still, but I didn't even know her till doing my own research who this christmas witch was. Then again, she's a legend in Italy, sooo. Does that mean mothman exists or Bigfoot?

Me too, emotional moments make me scared, too

....

....

....

She turned the easterbunny into a lemon

WeLl wHeN LiFe GiVeS YoU LeMoNs

Sandra, you don't speak fruit? I thought you had the internet up there.

They are closing the vortexes, and Cal is flying the sleigh

Elfs fighting with kazoos is my Romain Empire. I also feel like they played the kazoo kid song

I want to know the legendary figure legal department because who even writes these clauses?

I feel like mixing that much legendary figure magic is not a good thing, oh my god.

Hahahahha *removes mask* gasp it's you! Dude you don't even know her name, you can even get your head elfs name right.

Oh my god, I just need to watch the show and stop pausing because the next thing he said is that.

Noel being a simp

HAHHAHAHA Noel is now cannon "not bernard"

"Legendaries have no power against other legendaries." HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALREADY SANTA USING SANDMANS OWN SAND ON HIM. That it's my only peace of mind is sandman sand didn't actually affect him he just wanted an excuse to sleep.

And the fat suit back.

Cal your two brain cells are fighting for Dominance

Cal turning into a therapist someone get Neil!

Ha he called 911

HAHAHA he ripped it. Again, I want to know who writes these clauses. ALSO, COULD HE HAVE DONE THAT THE WHOLE TIME?!?!(I doubt Bernard would of let him)

That's some strong ducktape

NOOOOOOO Cal! I was starting to like the golden retriever

Scott and Carol are also couple goals

And she has a bazooka

And of course, it ends like that. Time to wait another week.

So thoughts?

Season 2, so far, has been better than season 1, as season 1 felt like a rewrite of the 3rd movie. This second season is bringing back reference to the movies. With Judy, Jack frost, carols eyes of darkness, etc. Cal is finally finding his footing, and Sandra is coming into her own. Hopefully, Scott finally opens his damn eyes to his children for once and sees that Cal wants to be his own person. Maybe only do Santa part-time instead of just taking over completely. See you all for episode 6.

#the santa clauses #the santa clause #santa clause #santa clauses #bernard #elfs #betty #i want chet #what happened to my baby? #did Forst adopt him? #season 2 #spoiler

[polychaeteworm]

Feel free to delete this if you'd like, but your post about endo systems reminded me of a conversation I had with my therapist years ago. I have diagnosed DID from trauma and I told her I often fear that maybe I'm just making it up. We talked about how DID is a response/coping thing and how, regardless of if I "actually" had it or not, it helped my mind through a lot of hard shit. So in the end she asked me if it truly made a difference, I said no.

I'm almost 28 now and frankly have seen plenty of life experiences that are so different from mine, so how could I ever know to tell someone if their experiences are valid or not, ya know? So basically thank you for that post because it made me really think.

No problem! You're very welcome. I write these posts to make people think and to kind of inject nuance even if my nuance isn't always effectivly communicated lol. I appreciate asks like this because they give me an excuse to info dump, so here I goooo..

I unfortunately have a lot of experience with running away from my DID label and needing to frame my system in a way that doesn't cause some alters distress while still healing and being in touch with reality enough to be functional because a lot of my coping mechanisms are tangled inseparably from maladaptive daydreaming.

This would (and still does) have me defining and presenting myself in ways that would make my system look fake. I was the "in denial trauma system" these people say endos turn into and frankly this doesn't make me doubt the validity of endos any less. If they are in denial traumagenic systems, that is sooooo personal! You are absolutely correct about the variability of the human condition and how much it really doesn't make a difference how it all looks in the end as long as someone is coping and healing!

To me, the structure, presentation, and way a system forms is such a sacred and sensitive thing that is so different from person to person that it really can't be picked apart and fully understood by strangers in the way people seem to want to do with Syscourse on Tumblr.

I spent most my life (literally childhood on into college) telling people very non ironically that I am an alien. Because I am autistic I was just traumatized by existing in the world, I was born traumatized, and my autism was received as a supernatural occurrence by my abusive mother (a fun story for another day), so I truly have zero memory of ever being a singlet, or even feeling like a human. Therapists and authority figures outright refusing to engage with this aspect of my condition is what actually did me harm.

I didn't actually heal until I found the therapist who approached me with "ah, ok you're several aliens, how interesting! So let's make sure you can human as best as you can while you're here on earth." Instead of "you aren't an alien, and you are one person, grow out of this." And I've tried! I TRIED SO HARD to be a single human and failed, all I have left of that struggle is a nice mask and invader zim-esque "the humans are onto me!" levels of imposter syndrome.

Why would we, after all these years ever tell someone that they should "just stop pretending" because we don't agree with the way their disorder presents? I'd rather just say something like "hey -specific toxic behavior- is causing me distress, if you don't stop I gotta stop interacting with you" and not attack the basis of their entire mental health journey. It took me a while to learn that one so that's why I'm like "young adults please wait till your brain is done cooking before attacking people".

Deep down though I think my opinion on Syscourse and why I spend so much time writing about this comes from the fact that a core component of my systems trauma is being told that I don't really know my(our)self. And to be seeing takes that endos are "lying" by tons of people who are so much younger than I and the people they fake claim is... honestly unsettling to my system for a number of reasons.

And it's not that I ever think of these people as "stupid kids" it's that I think a lot of younger folks with an anti endo stance have yet to develop an understanding that their experience with mental health isn't universal and that life is not black and white. That latter realization being a hard won understanding, especially if you have mental illness of any kind. I just feel so crazy when people on Tungle hell site think their opinion of someones mental health is more important than what that persons therapist says. Like why. Your disordered need to express pain through negativity because you were hurt badly is showing fam.

But yeah in closing, I had a similar conversation with my own therapist about faking and he had a similar "does it matter" take. He also has been very straightforward with how he believes that if there is something someone is doing as a coping mechanism that psychology hasn't explained yet, and that mechanism is working as intended while conflicting with the DSM, there is just more research to be done.

Im reminded of a Ted talk where a linguist basically explained that a word not being in the dictionary, doesn't make it not a word, it just makes the dictionary incomplete. What makes a word a word is it serving a function in language. Humans police the dictionary, not the other way around. My therapist agrees that the DSM and mental health as it happens to people irl is in a similar situation. It's not a mental health Pokedex, it's so your health provider has a road map to go off of and can charge your insurance properly. It's the collection of what we know and we don't know everything.

I really just dream of the world where we don't have to introduce ourselves as systems with a performative defense of a lived fact.

#orn rambles #forgive me for the wall of text #autism #discourse #Syscourse #actually did #did #anti endo #pro endo #there are definitely typos in here

[doberbutts]

hey, so a lot of the stuff you said about insurance hoops to jump through resonated with me as a UK trans man - the NHS system for medical transition is utter bullshit. off the top of my head - wait 4+ years to see a therapist to diagnose you with gender dysphoria, wait again to see an endocrinologist, be on hormones for minimum 2 years before you can wait AGAIN to get top surgery - im 21, and i will probably be about 30 when i get to where i want to be transitionwise if i start now. lord help you if you’re mentally ill as well, because gender clinics wont accept you if you have active mental health issues and trying to get those treated by the NHS is another load of bollocks on its own. all this to say that i can definitely see where youre coming from with your views on transmedicalism, and how it isnt such a cut and dry issue that many people make it out to be.

Ah yes, I've heard the UK system is very bad which doesn't surprise me considering its current nickname as "TERF island" when it comes to trans healthcare. Good luck to you, as you see I've been in that situation before and it was not great.

It's not to say that I "support" transmeds, I don't like a lot of the deliberate meanness and cruelty I see within transmed circles when they pop up. But I do understand the world they used to live in, the world that produced their ideology, because I lived in that world and I see the frustration for what it is. I just think that bitterness and anger and despair has turned onto the wrong target, instead of making it cis people's fault for gatekeeping us from our own medical decisions and autonomy they've decided it's other trans people's fault, which is not fair to anyone, and the means of which they go about advocating for themselves is. Well. Frankly bad.

We see more transmeds in places that experienced this medical nightmare. I think we're looking at cause and effect.

Only sort of related but there's this lesbian I know whose wife sat on the Supreme Court decision for same sex marriage, she is in her late 40s, and I very starkly remember her texting me one day basically going "what the FUCK is with all these kids calling themselves queer?!?!? don't they KNOW!?!?!" And I think... it's a bit like that. That word isn't nice for her. It's not something she can reclaim. She has only hurt associated with that word, from the world she lived in, a very visibly obvious lesbian living in the rural south of the US. On a surface level, it sounds like the completely batshit "queer is a slur" discourse that happens on this site.

But digging deeper, the difference is that when she had her kneejerk reaction, she reached out to someone closer to that generation and tried to understand. It's difficult for her to accept. I honestly don't think she will ever be comfortable being called queer or attending some even that calls itself queer. At the end of our discussion, she thanked me for explaining, said she understood a little better, but would probably still have no better reaction than punching someone in the mouth if they tried to call her that word. Based on her experiences, yeah, fair. I have a similar reaction to the word "nigger" even though my nephew a generation younger has no problem being called that by his friends.

Maybe I am just naive and I want to see good in everybody. But I think a lot of this at heart is just evidence of people who are hurting and traumatized, taking it out unfairly on the closest targets rather than the actual problem. That's all.

[soul-renewal]

May 28, 2022

I knew something inside me needed my attention... I was at a checkout lane, watching the gray clouds through the store windows, and I heard people getting riled up or excited over the rain. I felt some excitement stirring within me, I usually enjoy summer thunderstorms, but when I heard my sister having a lively and imaginative conversation with a stranger about the weather, I suddenly felt depressed... I felt a sense of disconnect from everyone. I couldn't feel a shared joy with anyone.

Honestly, this has happened to me many times before. For years, when there's some sort of celebration, a part of me gets disconnected and Idk, I guess when I see everyone with happy smiles, I feel like I don't fit in. I just want to be alone and enjoy some melancholy alone time. Later today, when I was alone with the rain, I actually felt happy. It was easier for me to enjoy the dazzling droplets.

Then as I sat alone in my room, trying to recall that feeling of sorrow and disconnect, I allowed myself to let the feelings come up further. Then, I felt a stinging behind my eyes. I felt loneliness, anger, hatred, abandonment...I felt healing.

In the past, in all the times I felt disconnected from a lively party, I just never investigated further into it. But today, I decided, I should do it. I'm on a healing journey, so I should see why I felt that disconnect.

All the feelings trace back to childhood. I remember the beginning stages of falling out. I was in middle school, questioning the love of my father, thinking that he hates me, questioning my existence, questioning things a young child should never question about. I remember having a substitute teacher who was incredibly funny and I wanted to laugh at his jokes in class, just like the other kids did, but instead, I just stared into my desk with a sullen look. A part of me was hoping that someone would notice... So I didn't laugh...even though I wanted to...

I want to send compassion to that child within me that started questioning herself, love, life, her family, and everything. She had a lot of life and light within her, but it felt like it died overtime...

I wish someone was there to notice me, see my pain, to understand me, and give me some emotional support.

I also realized how sad my childhood was because I loved having friends and talking to people, but all of my so-called friends, were never truly my friends. No. Everyone only liked me at my best. At my worse, what emotional support do they give me? none. I was always there for my friends through thick and thin, I understood them, I gave them a safe space, I comforted them, I was like a therapist to them.

However, when it was my turn to need comforting words and support, no one was able to warm me up. I just felt left out in the cold even more... And I don't care what people said. I believed I was emotionally abandoned by everyone because I gave so much emotional support where they gave none in return.

I don't deserve these types of friendships and they don't deserve me. I do not hate them, I just realized the amount of imbalance, and to no fault of theirs. They couldn't give me what I wanted anyway.

I just hope everyone will find new friends that are compatible with them on all levels, that there is balance, and there is a similar vibe. I hope they feel like family. I wish the same for me.

I hope I'll do enough healing so that I'll be ready for new and wonderful friends <3

#diary #friends #sad #depressed #lonely #thoughts #rain #reflection #past #healing

[htfs-ranked-on]

lets here a little more about you instead

htf ranked on if you would self ship with them or not and why?

OOOOOOHHH this is a TREAT just for me!!

in order of highest self ship to lowest + divided by romantic or not

romantic:

lifty: i mean. you guys all saw this coming right you guys have been reading the answers i've mentioned that he's my favoritest little guy ever in the world. he's just so cute and charming i love him to bits 💘💖💞💕💝💗 he was actually the first character i ever started openly self shipping with and how i got into the self ship community so he Means A Lot To Me

nutty: he makes me laugh okayyyy i like him a lot

sniffles: he has honestly grown on me a lot since i got back into the fandom! there's something really endearing about him and i think he'd make a good life partner

splendont: another favorite of mine, he would be soo ride or die once he warmed up to me it would be sweet

platonic besties:

cuddles: he would be like a brother to me tbh. he reminds me a bit of a couple of my irl coworkers who i feel very strong familial bonds to :]

shifty: brother in law... it would take him a Hot Minute to warm up to me but once he did we'd be homeboys for life

mime: bffs 4everrr <3!! i would go watch him do circus tricks and he'd make me balloon animals

toothy: he's literally a sweetie pie. supportive king we'd be besties

russell: i need to go drinking with this guy immediately actually. we'd be buds for sure

pop: i won't even lie to you i want to be his roommate. i'd babysit cub whenever and the little guy would call me uncle and that would be the extent of it 🤙

we wouldn't be close but we get along:

handy: he doesn't really seem to like people, but i think under the right circumstances he would have a pretty decent amount of respect for me and i would enjoy his sense of humor

mole: i don't think we have a whole ton in common but i like him as a character and i think he'd be polite enough that i wouldn't have any major beef with him

lammy: i like her quite a bit as a character but something about her just screeeeams ex catholic guilt to me and i think she has some stuff to unpack with a therapist before we could be close friends

flippy: ditto on needing to unpack stuff with a therapist + i honestly find him pretty boring as a character (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) i wouldn't have any serious problems with him though

fliqpy: surprise i'm acknowledging fliqpy for once!!! in a universe where he's not a terrible caricature of DID/PTSD i think we'd find a good level of respect for each other but not be like. friends. also again with the therapist thing

petunia: quite frankly i think i would stress her out 😅 i'm pretty messy irl so i don't think she would spend much time with me

we wouldn't get along:

splendid: this is so funny because i actually quite enjoy him as a character, but we'd be beefing if i actually met him because he's enemies with the twins. he would be deadset on arresting my boyfriend and i would be hellbent on ruining his life.

disco bear: i also am very fond of him as a character but i just know he would immediately start hitting on me if we met and he wouldn't even be good at it. i would not be into it at all

giggles: this is gonna sound completely off the wall batshit but i really think she would have bullied me in high school that's the vibe i get from her 💀 as an adult i don't think she would be Openly mean to me i definitely don't think she would like me and there's just a vibe that people give off when they find me overly offputting that would drive me away for sure

flaky: okay i don't want to be mean but they remind me way too much of a couple people i knew who i was constantly having to talk up with compliments and reassurances because they were ALWAYS Going Through It and at a low self esteem point and you would not believe how quickly that gets exhausting. another one for the "talk to a therapist, not to me" pile

#htf ranks #anonymous #self ship #this one got so haterish at the end i'm so sorry 😭 #but i liked this ask quite a bit! it's sweet that someone wants to know more about Me _(:3 」∠)_ #i wonder if anyone would be able to piece together who i am from this ask 🤔 #it's not exactly a SECRET i just haven't revealed who i am bc i worry that my friends from my main will follow just bc it's ME #instead of because they like it #also it's fun to have a little bit of ✨mystery ✨ #okay i talk too much enjoy the answers lmaoo 🫶 #ranked by character #ranked by category #romance ranks #mod's favorites

[mental-health-advice]

I don't have anyone to turn to in my life. I spend every day feeling hollow and angry and tired of just everything. I don't have irl friends, pretty sure I'm the weirdo at my high school. (speaking of my high school, all my hopes and dreams are crushed, I thought ninth grade, moving schools, would finally be my chance to escape the hell hole my previous school was for 9 years. BUT NOOOOO, I gotta ruin everything! The high school I'm at is amazing, with good teachers, interesting people, and so many opportunities, and I wasted it all because I'm too much of an idiot when it comes to anything). My parents aren't necessarily bad people, I know they love me...but I hate them. God I hate them. They mock me, make light of my issues, say stuff like "Finally you're happy about something" when I say I like the tea they bought, or "You didn't use to be like that". My dad, I told him I didn't have any friends, big mistake, now he says stuff like "ofc you don't have friends because [blank]" and he won't quit it. My mom, always thinks I'm hiding smth, and it's so stressful. I am hiding smth that's true, my online friends because she thinks any person on the internet wants to kidnap me. But honestly, my online friends are the only good thing in my life, they are the only thing that keeps me going and I love them. I think they are just sick and tired of me, this is why they behave like this. I am behind in my English assignments, big ones. It sucks, cuz I really like my teacher, she's an author, and I could learn so much from her. I think she hates me now. I promised my (new) therapist I'd start on it (i didn't tell her I have more, just one), and then I lied to her that I actually did one. She said she was proud of me, and I feel so rotten. Here's the thing that pains me the most, the thing I hate most about myself. I want to be a writer, but I have never written anything in my life, and it's incredibly shameful. I studied literary theory, watched countless of video essays on the art of writing, yet nothing. I don't have anything, anything at all. Good grades, nope. Irl friends nope. A passion, nope. Integrity, nope. Qualities, nope. That's not even everything. At this point, why shouldn't I die alone in a ditch? Because I know better than anyone that I deserve it.

Hey there,

Just because you may struggle to make friends in real life, does not mean that you are a weirdo at your school. I know of plenty of people who struggle to make friends and so turn to those friends that they know and met online. I don’t know, it’s just easier talking to those online because you can be who you truly are in the safety of knowing that you can end the friendship at anytime if something goes badly in it without any real consequence that you may have if you were to end a friendship that you may have on a face-to-face level. I myself to struggle to and keep real life friends and so more often than not turn to those online, so you are definitely not alone!

I am so sorry that you are finding school so tough and especially with assignments. You mentioned that you really liked your teacher and so I am wondering how you would feel about asking for help with some of your work or even just for some words of encouragement for doing it. It can be all too easy to say to someone such as in your situation your therapist, that you did an assignment when you didn’t, but it can be easier to be accountable for your work when you talk to/ get help from the person who has given you the work to do. I don’t believe that anyone is stupid, instead they may just need a little bit of help in doing assignments or certain work started. There is nothing wrong with this and despite you not having good grades at school at the moment, it doesn’t mean that this isn’t something you can work towards changing in the future. You just need to find something that works for you to enable you to accomplish what you need to and would like to in life. For me this is being accountable to someone. What do you think would be most helpful for you? What do you feel you need to be able to get your grades back on track?

I am so sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive of you in the ways that you need them to be. This can make things really tough because if they belittle you or make you feel bad in some aspect of your life then this can really impact on your self-confidence and consequently this can have a domino affect on the other things in your life.

I know that life seems really hard and exhausting right now for you, it sounds like everything is just really overwhelming for you. Almost like you are heaping everything together that isn’t great in your life right now into the one group and this makes you feel that a ‘good’ life is too far out of reach for you. Instead, could you split these things up into separate things? So for example, school, focus on the little things you can do to get yourself back on track. This may look like asking your teacher or someone else for help, writing out something like a timetable for yourself and allocating times to study, work on assignments, have time out for yourself and things like that. It may also be helpful to talk to someone you are close too and talk to them about everything you may need to do to catch up on with your school work and talking through with them how you may be able to tackle each assignment, each piece of work one at a time and let them know how you are going – keeping yourself accountable for what you are able to do! And no, this will not always be easy, and you may at times feel like you are not able to focus or do all of your school work – this is OK – but keep talking to that person whether you are able to do and complete your work or not, you never know, they may even be able to help you a bit if you need it!

So, after putting your schooling into a single group, you may want to focus on something else under a different group like making some friends in real life. Remember too that just because you may have real friends, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still have your online ones – you may just have to find a balance between the both, but this is something you can think about doing at a later date. So how may you find and make some friends in real life? Perhaps you could start with people at school like your fellow classmates. Maybe you could talk to a classmate about school work or a particular subject/ class and your likes and dislikes about it. Maybe ask if you could study with them at some point and especially when you both have tests or exams coming up. Some really good friendships start from school and they can form into being life long friendships.

You parents could be another thing you could separate from the above two things and work on separately. If you feel the need or would like to have a better relationship with them then how could you make that a reality? Could you perhaps talk to them a bit more about what you are struggling with and why/ how it’s affecting you overall. Talk to them about how they can be more supportive of you in the future, how some things that they say to you hurts and really affects you in a negative or not so good way. Of course though, you may not want to change anything about your relationship with your parents, and this is more than OK and especially if it may do more harm than good. Remember that you only have to do and work on those things you want to. This is your life and it’s important that you live it in your own way – whatever that may look like!

By separating problems instead of lumping them altogether, things can seem less daunting and more manageable. Is this something you could try to do with things that you struggle with or would like to change?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friends #school #parents

[captain-ariel-rogers]

Do you mind if I wanted to tell more about Elena and Christian?

Oh boy, where to begin! I’ll start with Elena because she’s easier to fit into a box:

Elena Louise Young is 29 years old. She was born in Houston, Texas, and moved to Meridian City, New Jersey (where the book takes place) to attend law school. Meridian City has the best law school in the country, and Elena is ambitious when it comes to her career. Reeves Enterprises has some of the best attorneys in the country, and Elena was more than happy to start at the bottom and work her way up the chain. She’s struggling to pass the Bar Exam, but she’s more than capable of passing it eventually, she just gets bad testing anxiety despite having stellar grades in college.

Growing up, her family would be considered upper-middle class to upper class. Her father, Elliot, is a world-famous plastic surgeon and her mother, Bethany, is a therapist. She has one brother named Travis who lives in California and is an LGBT friendly wedding photographer.

Elena has very realistic dreams. She’s not the kind of girl that wants to be the best at everything she does–she just wants to keep her head down and work.

She claims at one point in the book that she inherited her father’s stubbornness, because when she’s struggling for cash, she decides to get a second job instead of asking her parents for help, even though they’d be more than willing.

I don’t do any expositional dumping of Elena’s background in the book, but from her level-headed attitude and work ethic, it’s clear that while she never knew struggle growing up, her parents raised her well. She doesn’t have any deep-seated trauma or any negative experiences that shape who she is.

Elena is about as average as anyone can get, but I think that works well for her character, because everything that happens to her in the book really tests her resilience. The closer you get to the end of the book, you’d be able to see how much her life has truly changed and how much she struggles to cope with it all.

Not that Elena is a self-insert, but I think she takes after me in that she doesn’t let her trauma define who she is. She struggles, she breaks down, she feels hopeless and lost at times, but she never gives her demons the satisfaction of truly shattering her.

Now Christian Thomas Reeves? Man, does that guy need to be studied.

My husband describes him as “a perfect dreamboy billionaire”. He’s 36, tall, mysterious, and handsome.

First of all, rich. Filthy rich. Disgustingly rich. And to be honest? He’s not all that noble about his money. He has one singular cause that means alot to him, but he doesn’t make charitable donations often. His one philanthropy project is an orphanage he opened in memoriam to his parents, whom were murdered in front of him at six years old. He is extremely committed to the orphanage, and quite honestly is probably the only “good thing” he’s done in his entire life.

He is very charming and confident when he needs to be. He’s able to be so successful as a CEO because he’s able to easily take control of any situation. His presence alone commands a room.

He’s also extremely intelligent. He graduated from MIT and flawlessly grew his company to the most successful in the world.

Christian is extremely violent. His criminal record is longer than a CVS receipt. He is completely unafraid of getting arrested and has no regard for consequences of any kind.

Christian Reeves is a master manipulator. What he can’t manipulate with words, he manipulates with money, and what he can’t manipulate with money, he manipulates with violence.

That being said, when it comes to Elena, there’s absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do for her. His only concern after they meet is doing everything he can to make her happy. He’s the king of grand gestures when it comes to her, and their relationship in the first part of the book is so sickeningly sweet it will give you cavities.

SPOILERS FOR THE NOVEL TURN BACK NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED

Christian suffers from a long list of mental illnesses, PTSD being one of them. It’s never specified in the novel, but it’s almost blatantly obvious by the second act that he’s living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder). His alter-ego, the Silencer, is ruthlessly, disgustingly violent.

The Silencer is a shoot-first, doesn’t care about questions kind of guy. If you look at him wrong, you’re dead. If you sneeze in his vicinity, dead. And if you so much as breathe in Elena’s direction? You’ve signed your own death warrant.

Christian and the Silencer, for the first two thirds of the book absolutely hate each other. If Christian stands in front of a mirror, he will literally fight his own reflection.

I would say that the Silencer is objectively the “stronger” personality, but for lack of a better phrase, he lets Christian take the reins when it’s convenient for him to do so. The Silencer has absolutely no regard for anyone other than himself. He’s obsessed with Elena, sure, but his actions in the book are really messed up. He does things to her that would absolutely be classified as emotional and physical abuse, but he literally does not care.

Christian, as stated before though, doesn’t do those things to her. He doesn’t exactly condemn the Silencer for his actions in a lot of cases, but they are two very different people and I think it’s important to make that clear. Christian is honestly the person that deserves the most pity, while the Silencer is the person that deserves the ending he got. The world (especially Elena’s) would be a better place without him, and that is a fact.

#not me writing a dissertation 💀 #I could literally go on for hours about Christian #more than happy to elaborate tbh

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Swipe Right

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Summary: Bucky has been your neighbor for a few months now, so he likes to think you two are friends. Which is why he thinks you're the best person to go to to help him get back into the dating scene.

AN: inspired by one line of dialogue from the first ep of Falcon and the Winter Soldier. lol also, FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER EP 1 SPOILERS!

Bucky felt lost. Well, he's always felt lost ever since he suddenly came back along with have of the world's population. He was pardoned by the government and now a civilian. He was going through therapy to deal with his 70+ years worth of trauma and trying to navigate his way through the modern world. Everything was new and exciting but also overwhelming and exhausting.

His therapist encouraged him to date and make friends. So that's what he did, or at least, tried to do.

He considers you a friend. You live in the apartment right beside him, gave him a friendly smile and helping hand when he first moved in. You two chatted when you'd run into each other in the hall or in the laundry room. You were nice, attractive, funny. He honestly thought about asking you out a few times, but you were his friend, his only friend it seems. So he couldn't ruin that. Therefore, he resorted to online dating.

He signed up to a bunch of dating websites and apps: eharmony, match.com, plentyoffish, tinder-SO MANY. Why are there so many dating apps?!

He's scrolling through his phone, so overwhelmed by the different pictures and information. What does DTF mean???

He scowls, tossing his phone onto a pile of dry laundry he should be folding. You enter the laundry room with a chuckle, "Everything alright?"

He glances over his shoulder and sees you. He immediately smiles and faces you, "Hey, um, yeah," he gestures to his phone, "Just, um..." he lets out a sigh and asks, "Do you know anything about dating?"

You look at him curiously and reply, "A little. Why? What's up?"

"I'm just," he nervously scratches his head and places his hands on his hips, "I'm trying this online dating thing and it's...a lot."

You can't help but snort, "I feel ya," you give him a reassuring smile despite your heart dropping to your stomach, "So, uh, what sites or apps are you on?"

"Um...all of them?"

You snort again, "No way. Let me see your phone." you hold out your open palm to him and he places his phone into your hands after unlocking it. You swipe through his apps and your brows shoot up to your hairline, "Well it's not all of them , but it's definitely a lot." you look up from the phone to Bucky, "Can I give some advice?"

"Please, I'll take anything you can give me," he replies desperately.

You hop onto the washing machine and hold up his phone, "Okay. These apps are usually for the older crowd. Like thirty five and up, so if you're not picky about age, feel free to keep these. Now, these apps are what the younger generations use. Tinder is usually for hook ups, one night stands and all that. Not many people take Tinder seriously. Bumble, is a level up from Tinder. You'll find people who are more serious about finding a relationship with also a mix of people looking for something casual. Hinge, I think, is a level up from Bumble. You don't see people's typical lame ass bios, but their answers to some fun questions, what kind of relationship they're looking for, if they smoke or do drugs, etc. Also, I'm not sure if you know this, but you can change the age range on all of these apps. So instead of having it from 18 to 50, you can narrow it so 25 to 35 or however you want."

You look at Bucky and see his brows are furrowed in...concentration? Confusion?

"Was that too much? Do I need to slow down?"

He shook his head, "No, no, that's not it. Um, thanks, Y/N," he shoots you a grateful grin and you smile back, "No problem, Bucky." You see the gears turning in his head and you ask a question, he might be scared to ask you, "Do you want me to help you find some potential dates?"

"Will you?" he asks in that same desperate tone from earlier.

Again, you put on a smile, despite your breaking heart, "Sure!"

You tap on Hinge, double checking on his preferences, and then going to the main page.

"Oh! Look here. She's a single mom, but she's also a nurse. On the weekends, you're most likely going to find her wine drunk and watching movies with her kids. She has pets. She'd like to have more kids some day. She sounds nice. How 'bout it, Bucky?"

"Sure. She-She sounds good."

"Cool! So you tap on the heart on whatever thing on her page. So let's like her....answer here. If you want, you can comment something, but if not, you just forward it and hope to see that she'll like you back and you can start messaging her! Also, it looks like some people already like you! So you just tap on this icon here and you can scroll through the different people who've liked something on your page and it's up to you if you want to make contact or not."

Bucky hums and plucks his phone from your hands, "Wow. This-Thanks Y/N. This really helped."

"No problem, Buck! If you ever need more help, just let me know!" you hop off the washer and proceed to start up a load of laundry. You mind running back and forth about how you should shoot your shot, but you were too afraid of ruining the friendship you and Bucky have.

______________________

Bucky: Hey

You: What's up?

Bucky: can you come over? I need more help with this online dating situation.

You: sure!

You let your phone fall to your side with a sigh, Bucky has been asking for your help with his online dating for two weeks now and while you're always happy to help him, it just sucks seeing someone get his attention that you wish you had.

You roll out of bed, not caring about how you looked and exit your apartment, knocking on Bucky's door.

He swings open to reveal him in a tight blue henley and some black jeans, "Hey!" he shoots you a grin and moves aside to let you in, "So, um, this girl, Janine. We've been messaging for a few days now and she wants to meet up. Is that too soon? And where should I take her? I've," he pauses to chuckle to himself, "I haven't dated since the forties so..."

Despite your feelings for him, you knew Bucky deserved to be happy, especially after all the shit he's gone through.

"Hm, well, what kind of vibes are you getting from her?"

"Vibes?"

"Yeah, um, what feelings do you get when you talk to her? Do you feel happy? Do you want to get to know her more?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose so. I think it'd be nice to meet her in person and get to know her more face to face."

"Then yeah, take her out. But since it's your first time meeting her in person, it should be something casual. Low key, no pressure. A decent restaurant or a bar is probably best."

Bucky nods, "Yeah. Okay. Um, do you think you could help me pick something out?"

You can't help but laugh, "Bucky, I'm sure whatever you choose to wear, you'll be fine."

"Okay. Thanks, Y/N," he slowly wraps his arms around you for a hug, but not too tight in case you're uncomfortable. You surprise him by hugging him back, giving him a little squeeze, "You're welcome, Bucky."

It was Saturday and you didn't have work. You friends asked you to hangout with them, but you didn't want to. You wanted to stay holed up in your apartment, wallowing because Bucky would be going on his date with Janine tonight.

You're mindlessly watching tv , curled up on the couch. You turn your face into the pillow and scream in frustration. You should've just asked him out when you had the chance, but now that chance is gone.

You groan as you roll off the couch and head to your balcony. You just need some fresh air. You push up your window and climb onto the metal balcony. You sit on the outdoor chair you have there and stare up into the night sky. The stars are twinkling, the moon is shining. It looks like a perfect night for a date and here you are, alone.

"Hey-"

"AAAHHH!" you scream by the sudden appearance of Bucky on his own balcony. You're staring at him wide eyed, hand on your chest.

Bucky couldn't help but laugh at your expression, "Sorry."

You shake your head and stand to meet him, "It's fine. What're you doing here? I thought you were on your date."

"Yeah, uh, turns out Janine didn't, what phrase did you use once, pass the vibe check?"

You snort, covering your mouth as you giggled. Bucky's smile grows at the sound and you pull yourself together, "Um, yeah that's it. But I'm sorry."

He shrugs, leaning against the railing, "Honestly, it's okay. I don't think the online dating thing is really for me. I think I'll probably stick to the old fashion way: meeting in person and asking them out on a date."

"That's understandable," you say with a nod.

"So how 'bout it?"

You look at him confused, "How 'bout what?"

"Do you wanna go on a date sometime?" you give a look of surprise and Bucky immediately adds, "But I totally understand if you don't want to. I just-you're nice, and beautiful, and funny I thought maybe-but we're friends so I totally understand if you don't-"

"No, no. Bucky, I just-I'd love to go on a date with you."

"Yeah?" You nod and he holds out his hand, "Come on then."

You give a nervous chuckle, "What?"

"I picked up a pizza after that disastrous date. We can eat and watch a movie. Casual and no pressure, right?"

You look from his striking blue eyes to his outstretched glove hand. You reach out to place your hand in his but then pull back, "Wait. I should probably change."

You step back to head back into your apartment, but Bucky grabs your hand, "You don't have to. You look great."

You chuckle and begin to climb from your railing to Bucky's, with his help, "Alright, Prince Charming. I expect to be wooed tonight."

"Of course you do, which is why I ordered pizza from your favorite place and I'm letting you pick the movie we watch."

"Bucky Barnes, I could kiss you!" you exclaim thoughtlessly but then you realized what you just said. You shook your head and began to ramble off excuses, "No no! I mean not now! Now that I don't want to kiss you. You're very kissable. Not that I imagine kissing you or anything it's just-"

Bucky leans in and gives you a little peck on the cheek, "I don't kiss until after the date's over, doll. So will that suffice for now?"

You could feel your cheeks heating up as you nodded and squeaked out, "Yup!"

He chuckled, taking your hand in his again and leading you to the couch where the pizza was waiting for you.

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #fem!reader #fatws spoilers #falcon and the winter soldier

[immersed-in-mischief]

To Have & To Hold (Loki x OFC) Chapter 46

Series Masterlist

Chapter 46

Madison looked so proud with herself as she watched her family enjoy the pancakes she had helped with his morning. Of course, after helping her Papa flip a few, she lost interest and went to watch a show while the rest were being prepared. After putting the boys down for their morning nap, Jessica stopped by the laundry room to switch out the load for the day and moved on to washing the dishes from breakfast. Upon hearing Maddie’s laughter, she glanced out the kitchen window towards the play set to find her daughter squealing in delight as her daddy pushed her higher on the swing than Jessica was completely comfortable with at the moment, but she tried to take a deep breath and let go of her urges to control like her therapist had taught her.

“Maddie sure seems happy to have her daddy back home…”

Jessica turned to find Natasha standing behind her.

“Yeah…”

Stepping forward to start to rinse the items that she had washed so far, the two watched the interaction in front of them.

“How are you handling it, Jess?”

Letting her focus drop to the dish in her hand, Natasha couldn’t help but notice how her best friend was using a little more force than was necessary on the syrup covered plate.

“I don’t know, Nat. Honestly, it’s still hard to believe he is even here right now. Madison has already reattached herself to his side and I see the boys warming up to him, but I can’t help but be scared for them. Knowing firsthand what’s it like to have your father walk out on you, I never thought that would happen to my kids. I know he is trying, but we’ve been through this before and I can’t do it again. I can’t get comfortable and let him into our lives, just to watch him drop us again when it doesn’t suit his mood. His life simply isn’t here anymore. Loki has made that quite clear. I just worry that I’m going to have three broken hearts on my hands instead of just hers this time. It took so long for her to stop asking for him. Six months… like it was nothing. Hell, he was barely around before that. I would sooner die than to be apart from my babies for that long.”

“I know, babe. I really think he’s trying this time though. The papers seemed like a real awake up call to him.”

Jessica froze at the mention of the divorce degree and tried to steady her breath.

“You…uh… you know about that? He told you?”

Nat knew to continue with her task and not to focus on Jessica directly in order to keep her talking. Washing another plate and setting it in the rack beside her, she looked up to find Loki now chasing Madison through the yard.

“Loki asked Thor and I if we knew about it, but Tony was the one that gave us the full story thanks to the scotch flowing through his veins last night. He was downright brutal to Lohk, but somehow, he kept a level head and the glass he was holding was the only casualty of the evening as Stark threw some punches below the belt… why didn’t you tell me, Jess? Why go to Tony?”

She sighed as she drained the sink and moved on to reassembling the baby bottles that were now clean and dried.

“I hadn’t planned to, but he was just there that night. I still feel foolish to think that my husband was just going to walk in like the last year hadn’t happened and celebrate our anniversary with me. Hell, the last time I saw him, he was doing just fine without me. That night, I just wanted someone to be angry with me. I didn’t want to be given hope any longer. I wanted to just… let go. Somehow, I thought it would make the pain go away somehow if I stopped caring. Sitting in that hotel room that weekend, I just wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I guess I thought serving him with divorce papers would insult him. Remind him that he wasn’t the center of my universe and that not everyone saw him as this mighty king of Asgard. When the file was delivered to me and I saw our names printed on them, it became real. I hate to see what the hotel bill looked like after that night… I lost my mind, Natasha. I just remember screaming and crying and breaking everything that I could. By the time we got back to the compound, and I saw the sweet faces of those kids, I lost my courage to send them to Asgard for him to sign and put them away in the dresser with my wedding ring. I knew it wouldn’t change anything… Loki was gone either way. He promised me the day we mourned the miscarriage together that I would be a mother one day. I was a mother now and he was moving on to become a king. It’s just been a tough pill to swallow knowing I’ll never be able to give him what he wants. I can’t make Loki happy, Natasha, and I’ve accepted that finally. I just have to step back and let my kids enjoy their time with their dad while they have it.”

Natasha had no words for her as she watched the pain return to Jessica’s face. This was the most she had opened up to her since returning from Asgard. As much as she hated to, she knew she had to bring up the topic her best friend had intentionally avoided.

“He told us what happened… the night you left. Loki told us about the kiss and the dinner you had planned.”

Jessica’s lip started to tremble as she turned away from her to glance out the window. Loki and Maddie were now sitting in her sandbox as they talked and looked to be building some sort of structure. Keeping her back to her, she wiped away the single tear that had slipped down her cheek.

“Let me guess, he said it was a one-time deal and was a mistake in the heat of the moment? I’m sure he gave you the same sob story he told me.”

Nat hugged her from behind and watched the scene that Jess was focused on outside.

“He did. He also told us what you believe as well, Jess.”

“Don’t tell me you believe him Nat! You saw the way he acted while you were there. He changed when he left for Asgard. I was difficult and he left and me being there with him changed nothing. If he had been more focused on us instead of the whores in and out of his bed, I wouldn’t have needed your help. Hell, I nearly died and almost took those babies with me. The man I married wouldn’t have let me out of his sight after something like that! Instead, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Even the time he was there it was like he wished he was somewhere else. You even said so yourself on the day he left. I was making him miserable and was unfair to him. I didn’t even have the chance to fix it before he gave up on me. I sent him to Asgard instead of Thor and it ended my marriage. That’s on me. He was the one that stopping fighting to for us though. He wanted separate rooms and separate lives. Loki shut me out and found someone else to fulfill his needs when I couldn’t. I doubt he had to try that hard and maybe that’s why he had no problem staying in Asgard. Who wouldn’t want to climb into the future king’s bed!? Especially one with a wife like me.”

The alarm on Jessica’s phone went off and she wiped the tears from her face and moved towards the backdoor before Natasha had a chance to respond.

Loki looked up from the sandcastle to see Jessica heading towards them. She wasn’t even halfway across the yard before he recognized the look on her face. His wife had been crying and it broke his heart.

“Maddie, give Mommy a hug and a kiss. It’s time for her to go. Be good for Daddy and Nat-Nat today, please. I’ll be back before dinner.”

Madison immediately stood and obeyed her like it was part of their routine. He watched the two exchange their goodbyes as Jessica knelt down in front of her.

“You bing me ‘prise from da big sto?”

“Maybe. Remember, you have to be a good girl to get your surprise though.”

“Yes, Mommy. Maddie pomise!”

Jessica gave him a glance before standing to leave.

“Wove you, Mama. Missu!”

“I love you too, baby, and Mommy will miss you like crazy.”

With one more look at him, she turned and made her way back into the house as Madison resumed her playing. Loki watched as she slipped back through the backdoor.

“Madison?”

“Mmmhmm.”

She continued to play with the figures in her hand as she dug a hole next to them.

“Where is Mommy going?”

The little girl kept her focus on her task and didn’t seem effected by her mother’s departure.

“Hur Mommy time way from me and brudders so see get bedder an be happy ‘gain. See go to da wed sto and gets diapas for brudders and pecial pise for Maddie! … Daddy?”

Her answer only made him more curious, and he pushed the thought aside, deciding to speak with Natasha about it later.

“Yes, little love?”

“Maddie can has ‘nack now?”

He stood and dusted the sand from his clothes before taking her hand into his.

“A snack sounds lovely, sweet girl. What would you like?”

The look on her face as she thought really hard about the question was adorable. A smile spread across his lips as he looked down at the beautiful blessing walking beside him.

“Mmm apple use and fishies.”

“Apple juice and fishies? What fishies, darling?”

Looking up at him, she looked confused at the question.

“Maddie’s fishies, Daddy. Da onge ones!”

Closing the backdoor behind him, he spotted Nastasha in the kitchen and reached out for help.

“Alright, love, tell Nat-Nat what you want for your snack. Maybe she knows what Maddies’ fishies are.”

With a nod she turned and headed towards the pantry as she called out over her shoulder.

“Do you want apple juice with your fishies, little miss?”

“Yes, pwease.”

Loki watched as she reappeared and handed him a bag of Goldfish crackers.

“Ah… the orange ones.”

He turned to grab a bowl from the cabinet and shook his head.

“She talked about a red store too. How does she already know so much?”

Nat put the lid on the toddler cup and slid it over to Maddie who was now sitting at the kitchen table patiently waiting.

“You have Noel and Annika to thank for that one, Lohks. Those girls were amazing with her. Before she was even forming more words, they worked with her every day on her colors. Just before the twins were born, she was able to point to the color you said before she could say the word. Maddie can also count to ten and has been working on recognizing letters. She’s a smart little girl and soaks up everything like a sponge.”

The way she had picked up on the emotions around her made more sense now. It seemed that she had her father’s desire to learn, and it made him proud.

“I’ve already seen that firsthand. She’s aware of the negative feelings towards me.”

Making sure that the little girl was occupied with her snack as she flipped through a book she brought to the table with her, the two stood in the kitchen and watched her as they quietly conversed so she wouldn’t hear them.

“Who told you that?”

“She did Natasha. Last night she asked me to read her the story of Prince Loki and his princess. She was confused as I explained that it was about her parents. Her little face was sad to learn that I was Loki. Apparently according to her, Papa says mean things about Loki, Loki makes her mother sad, and you get mad at Tony because of it. Then my brother distracts her with an activity away from the conversation. My daughter is already aware of the pain and destruction I leave in my wake and she’s barely two. It’s only a matter of time before she sees me in the same light. These children deserve a much better father than they’ve been given.”

Pushing herself away from the counter, she turned to face him, leaving her back to the little girl that looked so much like him.

“Hey, look at me.”

Loki found the strength to pull his attention away from his daughter and met Natasha’s eyes.

“Madison will never think of you that way, Lohk. You are her daddy, and she will always love you because of it. I had no idea that she already understood the problems around her, but now that I do, I will personally make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”

They were both quiet for a minute before she returned to her spot beside him.

“What does my wife do during Mommy Time, Natasha? Our daughter said she does it to get better and be happy again. What am I not being told?”

He heard her sigh and take a deep breath.

“Jess has a weekly appointment with a therapist every Tuesday at 11am. The entire first month they were back, she refused to leave her room and wouldn’t let the kids leave her sight. We had to bring Madison her meals and play with her in her bedroom to occupy her. Most days, Jess never left the bed. It was like she was still on bedrest somehow. When I came back home after the boys arrived, I made sure to have supplies on hand for them just in case. Luckily, we already had diapers and two bassinets for them.

After nearly a month, I was finally able to talk her into getting help. After the postpartum depression she went through with Maddie, I recognized it immediately. It was so much worse this time, Loki. After a few appointments that first week, she started letting us make some changes. That’s when we switched her office into a nursery for the boys and made Maddie’s nursery into a big girl room since she wasn’t using her crib anymore.

Now, she goes out by herself every Tuesday. After her appointment, she makes a Target run for the kids and enjoys time by herself for the afternoon. I think it’s helped her to get a break. Everything else in her life has been pushed aside for those kids and she’s lost sight of her own identity outside of being a mom. Jessica doesn’t talk to any of us about anything other than the kids. She just bottles it all up inside. That’s why we didn’t even know about the divorce papers or what made her come back from Asgard. That girl shut me out a long time ago and just… gave up on living her life. She’s not herself anymore and part of me thinks that she wasn’t completely over her postpartum before getting pregnant again. With everything that happened and having such a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, along with the hormones of two babies, it’s so much worse this time. I think her ‘Mommy Time’ is the only thing keeping her head above water… Jessica’s drowning Loki, and she won’t let any of us save her.”

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