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mental-mario · 7 months

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Monu-Mentally Shredded

I didn't realize today is Mental Health Awareness day, but I figure it is all the more fitting then that I recount my hospitalization in the psych ward last week. This may run long and require at least a Part II.

The day started at 8am with a routine blood draw. My psych put me on lithium recently, and this was a routine test prior to my follow-up appointment to check my lithium blood level. For context, I have been depressed and suicidal for much of my life, but I didn't get it addressed until the last year because I was taught that it was shameful or weak to receive any care for emotions and mental health. I always felt like something was mentally "off" about me, though, and after sitting 9 months on a waitlist, I finally got accepted as a psych patient. I was then diagnosed MDD and BPD, as well as OCD, BPII, and ADHD. My older daughter was also diagnosed ADHD and ASD1 earlier this year, but I digress.

This has been a particularly hard year amongst many hard years, and after I got fired I spiraled into a free fall. I stayed in bed and slept a lot, cut myself, binged on snacks when I finally did get out of bed some, and I was especially irritable and moody, even yelling and cursing at one of the school's teachers in the car line, with my kids in the car. I wish I could say that was out of character for me, but sadly it isn't. I did a better job in previous years holding my negative thoughts underneath the surface (not a good thing), but with going no-contact with my parents and sibling's family for a second time as well as navigating the choppy waters of my marriage, my depression, anger, and burnout became too much for me to suppress. It wasn't much of a surprise after seeing the lacerations on my arm that my psych "urged" me to go to the hospital voluntarily. I put that in quotes because he really said I can either go on my own or be committed involuntarily. So I think I made the better choice.

I had been to the ER once or twice before in life, but this was my first time in the psych triage and consequentially being admitted. The triage was locked down with several security personnel on hand. I was shown to a bed in a small area with a posted camera in the corner and a sitter to watch me, and they took my clothes, phone, keys, and wallet and had me get into a big green paper jumpsuit. While I waited to have another blood draw, EKG, and urine tox screen done, a large man with profound autism stripped naked in the hallway and pissed on the floor. Once the tests were completed, I was escorted upstairs by wheelchair to a unit that I could only describe as the holding tank.

I'm not really sure what the point of being on this unit was, so maybe someone can comment if they know better. I was brought into a room with 2 empty beds, a bathroom, and 2 TVs with 1 on and no remote. The staff had me order lunch (I was in no mood to eat), and I was able to call my wife from the phone on the wall with the extra short cord. I'm not entirely sure someone wasn't listening in on those calls because the phone made some weird clicking noises when it was connecting. I went back to the room after making my phone call and was provided an atarax to calm my nerves. It worked, and I napped until lunch arrived. I ate very little of the frozen stir fry they gave me, but I did eat the bowl of grapes. I arrived at the ER around 10am, and it wasn't until around 5pm that I was finally transported over to the unit.

Security had me go through a metal detector before being let in. They said you'd be surprised what people do to try and sneak things in. Inside, there was a front unit and back unit, and I was escorted to the back. I was then sat into a chair near the nurse's desk, which was locked inside by badge lock and behind thick - I assume bulletproof - glass. I then waited for them to take my vitals...again! I looked around. There were probably 10 patients on the unit, and they were also all dressed in the same green paper jump suit. The lighting was all fluorescent in the hallways, and there was one phone hanging on the wall for patients to use, also with a short cord. I've not been to prison, but I do imagine some similarities would be experienced. The other patients were in the dayroom area eating dinner, while I was taken into another room by a nurse and another staff member as witness to strip search me. This made it feel all the more like prison, and if this was supposed to make me feel less like killing myself, it failed miserably.

I am going to break it up here, but look out for Part II coming up real soon!

I am currently playing Shredder's Revenge, and I highly recommend the DLC if you haven't gotten it yet. The survival mode online is a lot of fun, and I feel like I get a limited social interaction out of it, even though I have no idea who is on the other side of the wifi. With that said, I have no community or irl friends, so I would love for some virtual company. I am adding my friend code below, so send me a friendvite and message me when you're available to play. I am also planning to open up rooms from time to time in games for anyone reading this blog or my socials (as I get them going) to join via code, and I will post the code up with first come first served. So be sure to follow the blog here. I hate the term "followers," so I prefer to call you my friends, if I may.

My friend code is: SW - 4419 - 5159 - 3401. I will also post this on the blog bio for reference, as well as the QR code. I want friends!!...but with boundaries, lol!

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 9 months

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Well we are just back from the trip to the doctor. It was a 7-hour around trip. Luckily I did not drive but spending 7 hours in the front seat underneath the windshield reflecting a glaring sun, when my eyes are extremely sensitive to sunlight since the surgery, was not all fun & games for me.

It is extremely rare that I get a headache. I don't know why-- it's always been that way.

But I am just coming down from a monster of a headache from coming home when the sun was at its brightest getting ready to go down and right in my face no matter how I tried to block it out.

There is no bad news. It is all good news ---thank you God.

The doctor says my cornea looks great. It has not affected my glaucoma which is an absolute Miracle at this point. And I get to return to work. So I am diving in tomorrow- and hoping for the best 🎼😎

I spendt the entire summer in bed but after last year and how bad the kids were I needed it and I have no regrets for doing it. I have spent my entire life working myself to exhaustion because that was the way I was raused. I think it is only now dawning on me that I am no spring chicken and if I don't take care of myself, I'm going to die a lot sooner than I want to.

Working yourself to death is not the badge of honor I was brought up to believe it is.

Tomorrow is pretty much the worst day to start out on because it is an all day in service work day and then from 6:00 to 7:00 we have Meet the Parents and usually it ends up being a lot later than 7:00 ehen we can go home.

I will take it as easy as I can. The doctor laughingly told me as long as I was not trying to lift any students in the air I should be fine.🤣🤣

When the 2022 school year ended I was burnt out and dissolution and really just at the end of my rope and wanting to quit my job.

Of course little did I know that this year would be 10 times worse than that but I didn't. At the end of that year I interviewed for a job 30 minutes away. It was offering $10,000 more a year than what I was getting.

The kids that go to that school are handpicked. There are no disciplinary issues and because of that they only accept the best of the best. Once someone is employed there they pretty much never leave.

I went in with utter confidence because I am a good teacher. I have a great track record. About the only thing that will make me call in sick is if I'm so ill I'm about to be hospitalized, and I generally pull up test scores that are pretty high.

The first year that I taught reading there, 85% of my students passed the STAAR test.

I was pretty full of myself, so I was absolutely crushed when I didn't even get a call back for a second interview.

But if I had gotten that job I don't know how I could have gotten myself to and from work the last three or four months when my vision eas so very bad. There were times that I could barely even get myself the six blocks from my house to work. There is absolutely no way I could navigate a pre dawn, two-way Highway,dodging oilfield trucks with headlights so bright you would think they were trying to send out the bat signal.

So just like that Garth Brooks song, sometimes you just got to thank God for the prayers that do not get answered .

#life the universe and everything #update #home again #prayer #thanks #gratitude #but jesus #personal #long post #teaching in texas

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snugglyrecovery · 10 months

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The story of my sickness:

This is my first ever Tumblr post. I am recently two years sober, and I accidentally wrote a lot about my sobriety in the last few hours. I’d love to answer questions or hear from someone who can relate.

Just lost my job for making too many mistakes, but I’m a “joy to work with” and “incredibly talented”. Trying to figure life out.

Here’s my story. Thanks for letting me tell it.

Addiction is a cold and lonely place. The bottom of the glass is a window to the other side of the world that I watched others live in every day from my apartment on a busy street corner. Other lives seemed to be full of joy and honest fulfillment. On a molecular level, I felt that I was unworthy of even interacting with that life. The mask of normalcy I wore was made of eggshells, and it cracked when I was around the people I admired, so I hid from the world for a year.

I prescribed myself a life of misery for the perceived sins of my past. Generally a person who values truth and goodness in others, I saw the pitfall of humanity in the mirror. Disgusting, revolting, wholly wrong, and rage inducing—me. The weakest of weak links. When I became so ill from drinking and myself that I lost the ability to walk, which lasted for over a year due to neuropathic pain, I asked for help in an unwavering plea. I hadn’t left my apartment in weeks. There was dog fecal matter everywhere, which was a sign of the darkness that had overcome me considering my normal absolute adoration and care for my dogs. (They are happy and healthy!) I called a thrown-together team of loved ones with a request for help to go to rehab and the willingness to do anything to feel better. I called because I fell asleep every night fearing I wouldn’t make it to the next day. One day I actually woke up in my own blood and vomit. Scared the shit out of myself. My doctors eventually would say that a dark day had been on the horizon and would’ve easily been my demise within a month or so had I not received treatment.

There is a dense and tumultuous cloud attached to my silver linings: I had some of the money due to the sudden and life altering death of my beloved mother, but the $50,000 rehab stay was just a small percentage of what the hospitals, emergency rooms, medications, ambulance rides, and therapies amounted to. My esteemed position of four years didn’t convince my company to provide me or any of their employees with health insurance. This entire medical journey would be out of pocket and would ultimately force me to file for bankruptcy (like right now).

I had no choice but to carry on with treatment and disregard the cost. I didn’t want to hurt my family by dying. I could take or leave the constant pain I still feel daily, but I would never want to traumatize my loved ones more than I had since showing them my decaying life and shattered spirit.

I approached recovery from a place of understood brokenness and unwavering arrogance/stupidity… I was better than this. I went to rehab in two phases due to a forced three week hospital stay. Initially at rehab, I forgot often where I was, would wander off to the woods, and constantly fall from the pain in my legs. It was determined that I was too sick to stay in the program. I was taken on an $11,000 ambulance ride to a hospital after 10 days in rehab. I don’t really remember the hospital, honestly. I know I did physical therapy. There were plenty of fluids and lorazepam IVs. There were several kind nurses, unless they are figments of my imagination. I learned I could further not trust my own experiences when I hallucinated that members of my extended family were in the hall one day for several hours. No one was there. No one was coming until I had to be picked up. But I heard them speaking. Loudly. That episode eventually dissipated, and I have not hallucinated since.

I left the hospital when three weeks had passed, and I quickly reorganized at the closest thing to home base I had with my ex-fiancé. I went back to rehab to receive nine more weeks of in-patient rehabilitation for substance abuse disorder, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Two years after the first day I went to a hospital, I am still sober with almost (no one’s mind is perfect) no temptation to relapse. A miracle for my soul.

Recovery and all of her moods doesn’t have to always be a clinical journey filled with “cans” and “can’t” do’s. I was filled with uncertainty and confusion with severe memory loss. Thrusted far from the world of being the brightest in the class to the world of endless frustration and forgetting my sister’s names. I needed something to hold at night in my twin bed at rehab. I needed warmth to make it through the darkness of constant fear and confusion. I, without intention, made sobriety a comforting hug because I absolutely had to. My earnest choice to be healthy and back in-control necessitated safety I had never known in this life. I can now rely on myself and my sobriety. Sobriety can either be a prison or a safe and snuggly home for our souls, inviting us to be the healthiest, most wholesome version of ourselves. I have effectively put some of the chaos of my life behind me. I no longer wake up dreading to hear about my out of control emotional responses or gazing in embarrassment at a reposted political article that I drunkenly wrote a very superficial rant about on Facebook.

I don’t attend regular AA meetings. I am not suggesting this is ideal for those considering how many they or a loved one should attend themselves. I got a DUI in 2017, (I was so consumed with guilt and called the cops on myself… don’t do this) and continued to drink until I saw the real possibility of death in May of 2021.

I now write poetry to keep myself from going insane. I have not yet figured out a way to escape the ease I find chaos with. It is my home. I am less anxious after I just got fired, for example. Careless mistakes, lack of conscientiousness, and difficulty with details seem to always follow me around like the angel of professional and scholastic death. Kindness and character are through the roof when I’m not behind the wheel of my car— a dark tale for another time. I just want to be.

#mental health #alcoholism #alcohol #recovery #self discovery #self destructor #self destruction #self destructive thoughts

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123whistler-blog · 6 months

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Spin Rewriter AI – Article Spinning Tool

Posted on November 1, 2023 by Andrew Larder

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#spin rewriter #spin rewriter ai #article spinning tool #article spinning #article spinner #Youtube

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/23/23

Palindrome day, cool! For Americans, at least. I have to remind myself that not everyone uses the same measures and languages. Something we all should remember, I guess.

I started the day with a yoga practice that was way above my level. Like... my legs were actually giving out. My quads are just... I guess they're just not as strong as they used to be. Same with my abs. It's weird. I mean, I'm hardly active, I know... but... I have been skating... and doing yoga every day for.. almost 3 entire months straight now.

It's not going out into the woods and hiking around barefoot every day, combing the rivers for cool stones, moving big rocks to make sculptures and shit. That shit gets you in shape real quick. But I don't know, I feel like I should be in better shape than I am. Maybe it's just part of getting older, I dunno.

So yeah, yoga kicked my ass. But it was good, in the end. I haven't been meditating. I don't know why. Today, it was because I was really hungry, and I just wanted to get food. But when I was in the kitchen, I did dishes and everything, so I definitely had the time. I guess I just... naturally avoid it.

It's not like I wrestle with thoughts as much as I used to. Thank god, that shit was rough. It's still a thing, just... I don't care as much, I can turn the volume down and let the thoughts flow without getting attached a lot of the time. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Honestly, I think the problem is my posture. The problem is my sitting position is really uncomfortable. And it hasn't really been improving. And that's really upsetting me. It's been months. I must be missing something, or just undoing all the good I do in the morning by sitting at the computer or being hunched over at the drafting table all day.

I can't get my knees down, I can't find the right place to hold my weight, I feel like my coccyx just tilts under my body and arches my back when it should be straight, my abs get grumpy that they have to activate at all, and my neck just can't seem to process what a straight line from my pelvis to my heart to my head even looks like. I, of course, am trying to sort this all out with... no mirror, just visualization. But it feels like I'm just bent and contorted in all kinds of hunched over shapes. And it's very hard to find a place to sit still for 10-15 minutes where I'm not constantly correcting my body position. It's tedious. It's hard to focus on solely my breathing when... oops, a knee is raised... okay, now relax the hips, don't need to grip... ok, now your neck is craning, straighten that... okay, relax the face... oooo tension in the hands, relax that a bit... Hardly letting go of thoughts, just focusing on how depressingly out of shape I am. Even without judgment, it's still stressful, it's work!

So yeah... skipped that. Maybe if I get brave enough to go to an in-person yoga class, they'll help me correct that. I mean, that's like... kinda their job. But I think I'm going to wait for the gastric distress to let up before I go there... think that might be a smart idea...

I cut my hair (very overdue), showered and trimmed my beard pretty nicely. I actually watched a video on how to do it, I have never looked it up before, and the instructions from the guy who I was watching were... basically what I already do, which was validating. There were just small alterations, like only bringing the clippers straight down rather than against the grain or following the jawline. I'm thinking of growing it out again, I'm already past an inch, so I might as well... I'll see how it goes.

The bulk of the day again went to working on the hoodie. And it looks fucking sick. It's really starting to take shape. The eternal race-against-time battle of working with acrylics as they progressively dry out and turn into fucking rubber has been... oddly nostalgic. Acrylic was my primary medium in college. So... this isn't foreign, it's just a bit annoying. And it's really on me for just using the paint out of the jar rather than using my palette. But... it's getting really close to finished. The only work left is... the black outlining, the shading, then figuring out with to do with the thin outermost ring, which I might actually embellish, while I'm at it. It might be done tomorrow, might be the day after, not sure.

I've also developed a bit of a process for the new desire path mapping project, which is working well so far. I have 15 runs down already, 10 tracked. It helps a lot using a shorter route. And the routes still have a nice amount of detail to them. The desire path mod does take a bit longer to erode the dirt than I was hoping... Like... a lot. So I have no clue how many of these runs I'm going to have to take before I start seeing some erosion in the wild.

I was considering streaming while I did this, just to share the process, you know? And to tag it as Art rather than Minecraft to keep the children out, so I just... don't have to deal with it. I'm sorry, I just... it's nothing against kids in general, it's just... teens, honestly. I'm not using minecraft in this context to play minecraft, I'm not even really playing with most of the mods I have on, I'm using it as a tool. So... Art feels much more accurate. And if there's some 16 year old looking for Art on Twitch who stumbles across Minecraft... they'll probably be a bit more open-minded than a 16 year old looking for Minecraft on Twitch... and stumbling across this weird art project instead. Just trying to cultivate a vibe, being in the right category can help with that. But... I didn't stream... because I didn't want to depend on chat for entertainment outside of listening to music and walking through the woods. I wanted to listen to someone else's stream or youtube instead. I run into this problem a lot. So... that's just how it went. Tough shit to the zero people who would've been interested in this anyway. Maybe next time!

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm even going to do with the end product. This piece is very much making itself, and I'm just... letting it happen. And the end result is actually looking pretty damn cool, I really like the designs. Here's the progress so far:

I have no idea where I could do this... but I'd be interested in doing it IRL as well someday. With GPS tracking, I had a hiking app that did that, it just mapped where you hiked. It's an exciting prospect, but I would need to find the right area, and I don't know how that would go, or how safe it really is to do a project like that without someone... knowing where I am.

The idea, for anyone coming into this late, is to basically capture the process of... exploring, getting lost, learning, and gaining orientation. It's a visual demonstration of what it looks like from a birds eye view as one gets lost and wanders between two points. Tracking their entire path, step by step and rendering it on a map as a line, like a GPS route. They travel from point A to point B with only general directions of how to get there. Over time, landmarks are recognized, routines are built, the wandering gets less and less. And, in turn, a path starts to form, as the ground becomes well traveled. I'm calling it a desire path project, even though the focus isn't so much about desire paths as it is... just paths in general. But whatever. It's working well in minecraft, but I'd love to try it in real life sometime. But again, the stakes for willingly getting lost in the woods when you have no friends or family and no one knows or cares where you are are... quite high. So... Maybe I'll put it off for a bit, pop that on the back burner.

So yeah, that was about it. My ex kept popping into my head today, I really don't know why. Maybe something reminded me of her. And not in a good way, like... reminders of the secrets she kept from me, that I naively looked past. That kinda shit. And I had a big emotional overwhelm moment with remembering Maxine today. Which hit me really hard and had me sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying. Grief sucks. My girls really were my world, they were my family. I miss them so much, it's crazy how different my life is now without them.

Yeah, not an insanely exciting day, not a ton went on, I guess in a way I can be grateful for that. Very productive though. I'm really excited for how this hoodie is coming along, I'll share the final state of the back piece when it's ready in a few days.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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beaversatemygrandma · 1 year

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WHERE THE FUCK DID FEBRUARY GO? WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLE MONTH HERE? Shit's coming up fast, oh god.

So, i have an appointment for my driver's test in March, and essentially through this entire month i was like "finish the log. finish it. write things in. do it." I got to 37 hours of 60. Oi. And then the fact that i literally CANNOT drive at night in this area. Between the light pollution of the city, those HUGE LED billboards that light up half the highway, and those new cars with retina burning headlights, I've literally struggled to keep my eyes adjusted to the night and nearly missed a fucking stoplight. I need 10 night hours. I have done 1 and realized it was pointless. I think i can back home though. Smaller town. Less light pollution. I mean, i know I've actually driven the right amount by now, but i haven't been writing that shit down. Even my dad was like "you're ready, just fuck the log" and i was like "okay, cool" I need to grab another page (WHY DOES IT HAVE SO FEW SPACES FOR 60 HOURS???) and draw out the things and fill it in and then get my grandma and my dad's IDs and fill in ALL THE ID NUMBERS, get them to sign EVERY Single ONE. Hnngg. Then reminding my dad to take that day off to take me there. Like i've told him, but this is the man i definitely got my adhd from. Likely forgot by now. It's been like 3 months since i made the appointment (earliest one too. tf.)

And then the whole anxiety of all the plans I've made. Like, after getting my license i was going to prepare myself to move back to FL to be with my mom and around all my friends and such.

Like. I'm basically long distance dating this guy by now. We literally have plans set, just without date. Because I could either be there in April or i could be there mid summer or later, which is infuriating. Ntm the fact that my money is VERY Quickly dwindling. Like, it'll cost a couple hundred just in gas to get there. I'm already down to less than my car insurance payment that will go through in June. I was hoping I could get down there, get that job, etc etc, THEN pay it off. Because here, I'd be working in a place for like a month and then ditching. That's not ideal. So, I'm hoping my dad will help me pay for things in that aspect because holy fuck. I also really need to change my bank because after it got bought out, the new company was like "K. If you have less than $500 average in your checking you pay $8 a month for use." Like WHAT THE FUCK?? And THEN that fucking FYE VIP Charge that I DID NOT sign up for taking another $12 a month. I literally went through their customer service, they couldn't find my info, yet I'm Being Charged for something i DIDNT SIGN UP FOR. And well, a bank/card change would get rid of BOTH shitty little predatory charges here.

I've literally been going between those online banking services checking to see what's the best, because this bank charges me, cut my interest on my savings down like 95%, and is just inconvenient all together. Like, my dad has one, if i sign up with his code we both get $50, THEN the long distance guy has another where you get $100 if you get the banking thing AND a credit card with them for both parties. And I'm just here like "Oh god. Choices."

And then this guy. So, yeah, it has escalated a bit. He's the sweetest damn thing but every night it just somehow turns into, "I can't wait for us to finally be together" and me just thinking like "fuck if this doesn't work out right...." Like it has turned from me saying "why tf am i feeling things for that weird guy from high school? Bet I'm just lonely" to being like "Yep. I've definitely fallen for him." He's sweet, he's passionate, he's safe, and he's just great. He definitely cares a lot. There's something about the way he's outright trying to make sure I'm in a good place mentally and getting what i need to done and just being encouraging and a great company. Like yeah, half the motivation for getting things done lately is just making sure i can make it down there to stop this from being long distance. There's somebody down there who genuinely wants to be that person to just exist at home with and go on adventures about town with. Just somebody to have around for literally anything. Like. I CAME OUT TO HIM. He didn't even dodge the topic like my last ex did. It wasn't this awkward thing, it was just "as long as this makes you happy" and just jeez <3

then the worry about being with my mom again because FL rent is a waking nightmare. Like yeah, I'm going to get shit about my weight a lot and still have to pay HER rent, but i mean, it's better than being in this hellscape that is a metropolis and nearby people i like and trust. and not the constant hostility between people out here. I've come to the conclusion that people in cities are just awful and so stuck in their lives of nothing but work and the hell that is this place with no escape which has made them into what they are now. At no fault of their own, but they're all selfish assholes. Like everybody is struggling and packed in like sardines. Of course we're all on edge. But FUCK, be NICE to others for the love of god. We're all in the same cement hell.

I want peace, and peace is a place i know well. I want to be back home already and not panicking about all this shit and slowly going broke due to predatory capitalism. I want to be with that guy. I want to have my friends just ten minutes away. I want to be back in this familiar town i know like the back of my hand instead of this cement labyrinth of highways and skyscrapers. I'll settle for my old Panera job for a while. I just want something familiar that isn't this. I want peace again and a place that's loud and hostile isn't peace.

#taks speaks #screaming into the void

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whoami-imnotentirelysure · 1 year

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December 26, 2022

Yesterday was Christmas. It was subpar. I rated it a 4, from 1-10. Not bad, but not good either. Had more negatives about it, than positives. I've been trying to stay positive through everything. I went to the doctor on October 29, got referred to a neurologist. Had a bunch of tests done, MRI done, everything came back negative. So I went to the ER last week. They told me it was just vertigo, and gave me meclizine. All the doctors have told me it's possible anxiety.

So I saw a psychiatrist. I took a test for my anxiety. I scored a nineteen out of twenty-one. I'm on a new medicine, called Luvox (Fluvoxamine), it's extended release.

My psychiatrist said that it would be pretty brutal on my anxiety for the first week. I've been taking Luvox for four days now, and my vape is almost empty. Well, it is, and it's super burnt. I asked my mom if I could go to the store with her, and she said yes.

We get to the store, I sit in the car. My anxiety started getting really high. I felt like I was suffering pretty bad. It felt like I was having a super suppressed panic attack. It was still there. I felt it. I was still getting those weird symptoms, feeling like I was paralyzed. Just, frozen.

We got to the gas station and my anxiety was so high that I just, couldn't move. I told my mom that I couldn't move. She offered to go in for me and buy my vape for me if I gave her the money. I said okay, and she went inside. She comes back outside with two packs of her cigarettes and tells me they didn't have my flavour. She started to get aggravated with me, her entire tone changed. She told me to go inside myself, and when I refused and just asked to go back home-- she got mad and yelled at me.

"What's the point in you taking medicine if it's not doing anything? If it's not doing it's job?"

I don't think anyone understands that it affects me a lot more than it affects them. I'm really tired of everyone acting like I choose to feel this way. It's really infuriating. What makes them believe that I wake up and choose to feel like this every day? I spend every waking moment, terrified to go outside, terrified to be left home alone. I miss my freedom, why can't any one understand that I'm not actively choosing this life?

It's December 26th. Almost two months since my doctor visit. And I've just been told it's "all anxiety". So strange how that works. Here I am, trying my best, but it's still not enough. I'm actively trying to better myself, but it's so difficult when everyone around you doesn't support you. I've been staying strong.

But if I'm being completely, brutally honest; I've been wanting to die more, now, in the past 17 months, than I have my entire life.

And my family is not making it any easier. When I say that I wanted to die, to my mother today, all she said was "don't threaten that to me". I wasn't threatening, nor was it anything to concern her, if she doesn't care about my mental health, how would me dying concern her?

I'm tired of her acting like she cares, when her words and actions scream so much louder. It's fucking infuriating. She acts like she's a good mother, to social media, to her friends. But behind closed doors, she's so toxic. I walk on eggshells everyday, holding my breath in case I breathe the wrong way to upset her.

I'm so tired of this shit.

My life isn't even mine anymore.

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ohimesama · 1 year

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11.26.22 Saturday

7:32 pm

10th day of us here being in the dark meaning we don't have electric angels... I'm just here in my neighbor's house named Ely, asking a favour for 10 days now and decided to do a journal now and drinking coffee here in their place.... I brought my own coffee but the hot water came from them here... Downloading movies and charging for 10 days....Surviving coz of watching movies...

Oh! God,I don't know how to start this cheap issues here...

Well,10 days taught me some things in life. Knowing people and learning their deep inside... Asking help is not bad at all coz we are all child of God connected with religious heart but the question is, if they are religious enough or bunches of people who are just making a black agenda on someone...

Yeah! Our electric is cut and this is major serious problem... The people who I thought will be a good friend for awhile,in times of defeat such as these days... People I figured out that are only fake care on me just want to know something about me...

Well, Uncle DD is such a weird uncle as well as Uncle Jun... We are facing money crisis...

We are on tight budgeting... I met Ate Lizah the carinderia'Z outside our house, I thought she understood everything my words from the start but I was kinda doubting... It wasn't really my thing to introduce myself coz of our present situation.

Making friends now,sometimes I want them to know and like me as me....Not asking me about everything about me and my family...

So, I wasn't able to pay in full my credit now in carinderia'Z coz I had other creditz on store and the other carnderia'Z.

But I told and asked Ate Lizah if she can assist me until next year coz will get a job soon and yeah! I need to work and I need money... She said yeah! Well, I know creditz should be paid by the borrower,like in my case... She said yeah! I will assist you. It was really something serious... She knew our electric was cut since 17th of this month.... I remember her weird smiled at me but she commented that "it is normal Peachy, don't take life seriously it happens, don't think of any negative thoughts".

The issue about Uncle DD,this is an old story that he is handling the fundings....Well, I just need a witness coz sometimes he will give this negative scary reaction about budgeting here and feels weird...

Sometimes,Uncle DD couldn't understand the situation that he was 3 days delayed last week on giving their food allowance here and this week 4 days delayed supposed to be last Wednesday another food providence, so meaning everything is over-lapping...

Let's go back to Ateh Liza, she is always asking about my allowance or money or she will comment that Peachy you can pay for all of this using your allowance... I said on a serious tone I said Ate Lizah I need to get a job in a lil while... It looks like she is not believing on things that I'm telling her...

Then,the situation awhile ago... I was kinda irritated coz I wasn't expecting that reaction on someone who I thought who is willing to assist me coz we talked about it and for me it was a serious talk though I was kinda laughing. But I always tell her,I'm serious ate Lizah...

Ate Lizah said I can't let you get food now coz Sunday-Monday is her off... I gave her down payment of the entire amount. I was just shocked that oh! meaning she didn't care at all if we eat or not... Gets?

My point is we talked about assisting me... Coz I know when people are poor, there is a group in the society that helping each other until you can or until you can get a job...

Not saying that I'm a good example or I'm perfect... This is a lesson learned that I need to get a job soon... Having a bread and butter is important to have...

About Uncle Jun well according to him his salary can't help us now... It is just really small...

My point it is difficult to find people who can truly be true to their words and difficult to find people who are fully mature on viewing life...

It is difficult to find people who can truly help you having a genuine heart....

I hope Ate Lizah is not part of any cult of ManaloZ.... It just feels weird at the beginning...

A bit funny thing... To update you angels, on the 2nd day of us without electric here... 2nd birthday of my bebeh John... I made him Pesto...

Is this my punishment crowning Prince of Dubai?

To be continued...

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thelifeofnosilla · 2 years

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Saturday, October 22nd

Hello there,

So I noticed that it has been exactly one month since I have posted on here. Is this why my mind is lingering and the urge to write fell upon me at 11pm at night? To be honest I cannot sleep, but I mean it is early for someone who lives in NYC. My partner has a new job and so he is already sleeping by this time. I mean that was my plan to right? To be on this entire routine? WELL, here we go again. That routine no longer exists, I lost 10 pounds to begin to gain it all over again. I do not even need to get on the scale, I can feel it in my body. Plus I have been eating so bad that I just feel terrible in general. I clearly have something mentally wrong with my brain, which I have always known but I keep falling back into the same habits. I need to really find some control over myself and get in together. I scroll on Instagram all day and I do not understand how I am even ok with looking how I look, knowing how unhappy I am.

Ugh, I feel like writing this post today seems so dark but that is just how I feel. I am back in a bad place that I only put myself into. I need to bounce back and get it together. This is why I wanted to be in a routine and I wanted to write everyday, even if it was to say I am ok because holding up for a month with my thoughts just is not the way to go. The good thing is that when I am on here, I just let myself write everything that I am feeling. I was watching The Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix today and the best advice I ever heard was to write as if no one you know was reading it, that is when you do your best writing. I guess having this blog was the best thing I ever did for myself. I just need to take more advantage of it.

I do not really know what is going on with me but I guess I am in a weird place in life and instead of going after what makes me happy of controlling what I can control, I seem to do the opposite. I told my partner that everything would change once I got our own place and now we have been here for almost 4 years and nothing has really changed for me, other than the fact that I feel the freedom of being in my own space. I mean let me rewind here, honestly a lot has clearly changed in my life, I have a good job, we have our own space, I am more at peace with myself and can have time to myself to just think BUT I did not do anything about my weight or taking care of myself. The self sabotaging does not stop and I do not think it matters where I am. I wanted to move into this new apartment because it mostly had a gym in the building and I told myself it would push me to work out, but would it? I lock myself in this apartment and sometimes I do not even want to go up and down the stairs. Should I do therapy? Maybe but I do not feel like I am ready for that, maybe I am scared or maybe I just do not want to talk about the traumas in my life. One thing I do know is that I am 30 years old and I want better in life.

Everything I write, I always say that my mind starts to linger and it is right now. Thinking about my relationship and if my partner is even happy with me. Sometimes I feel like I am worried about everyone else and never myself. He has even said it himself. I think that if he saw me worried about myself, he would honestly be happier. Happier to be with someone who actually cares about themselves. I have been saying this out loud lately to some friends that I feel like I pulled him back from having a better life than the one he has now and knowing that I have not even tried. So many times he has told me, just save, please just save your money and I cannot even do that. I know that I need to be better and I am going to be. I am going to work on it. I know that I can be better but I have to put in the work. That is the other thing, I do not put in work into anything. Doing something for 1-2 weeks is not putting in work, it is about being consistent. Either way I know that I can be better and I need to make sure I do that.

I should definitely go to sleep soon and take in that tomorrow is a new day to work towards a better me. I hope that as I come on here and write, that I find growth in myself.

I should hopefully find myself back on here tomorrow, if not, definitely Monday for sure as I hop back into my weekly routine. I want to start moving with intention and doing things intentionally in my life.

Goodnight you beautiful people. 🥰

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mimzy-writing-online · 3 years

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Writing Toph Beifong, Advice from a Blind Writer

I’m Mimzy, an actual visually impaired writer and blogger who talks a lot about writing blind characters accurately and sensitively. A while back someone sent me an anon asking how to write Toph more accurately and sensitively.

Anonymous asked: Hi there! Your blog has been super-helpful already - I thought I knew a bit about writing with blind characters, but it turns out there was a lot to learn - but this is more specific. I'm writing a The Last Airbender fanfiction, and one of the characters is Toph. I think the fandom has done a fairly good job of respecting her blindness, but what are some things you'd like to see when people write her? I want to represent the character as best as possible; thanks in advance!

It’s taken a while for me to answer because I have a lot of thoughts about it as both a blind writer and someone who has read a lot of atla fanfiction. So here we go:

Before we get started, I want to mention some things:

One: I have an entire series for writing blind characters that continues to grow with time and the most up-to-date version can be found pinned as the top post on my blog. There will be a time-stamp for when the post was last edited and a long series of links to all relevant posts on the subject.

Here’s a quick link to that post, but again, all you have to do is click my blog url and you’ll find it immediately.

Two: I’ve noticed something amazing about the atla fandom and I would like to thank you for it. I’ve noticed a lot of bloggers have taken to writing image descriptions for both the fanart and memes you post in the fandom, whether it’s OP including the description or another blogger adding it themselves. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a fandom so consistently doing this and that’s incredible. Realizing how many different blogs were picking up this habit has warmed my heart.

I’d like to see writers use her other senses. There’s soooo so much more to her O&M (Orientation and Mobility) than earth sense.

Beyond sight and earth bending, there’s hearing, touch, smell, taste, sense of direction, hot vs cold, sense of pain, sense of where your body parts are in relation to the rest of you, sense of internal well-being, etc. Before Toph had mastery of her earth bending, she had to have mastery of those too.

Toph also must have very strong opinions about certain smells, sounds, tastes, and textures. Toph is opinionated about everything, and when so much of your understanding of the world depends on senses that most people are ignoring in favor of some other sense you don’t have, it gets frustrating. I’m sure that tree looks pretty but the smell is terrible. Who cares if this fabric looks pretty, it’s scratchy, do. not. like. at. all.

But also in positive ways too. Oh, that flower arrangement looks bland and monochromatic? Who cares, it smells sweet and honey-like. Weird dark cavern with high ceiling and no light? The harmonics are awesome.

Every character probably has a certain sight or image they’re particularly fond of: Katara watching snow fall, or Aang enjoying how small the world looks from up on Appa, or Zuko enjoying the sunrise every morning during meditation. In that line, Toph must have some things personal to her that she enjoys.

I imagine she likes the taste of foods familiar to her childhood, the smell of whatever flowers grew around her home, and the texture of certain kinds of dirt Example: loose dirt probably isn’t the best for seeing, but I think she would enjoy how it feels to run her fingers through it or maybe enjoy the way it softens her perception of the world the same way sighted people like to see colorful, bright lights reflecting off puddles in the middle of rain.

If you struggle with this, that’s okay. I recommend taking some time to think about it for yourself, to find what tastes and smells and textures and sounds you enjoy the most, what makes you feel safe and at home, what brings you comfort, and relate that back to Toph.

In a Modern AU, I want to see Toph have a cane. Even in a Modern AU with bending included in the world building, I think Toph would benefit from having a cane.

The cane has a lot more function than bumping into things. A big part is that it signals to others that you are very obviously blind. Which is a big deal because sighted people are really, really bad at spotting the blind person.

(psst, please stop saying ‘the blank look in her eyes’ because I swear to god it’s been killing me inside for years.)

Also, even in an AU with bending, I think Toph would like the advantage of tapping her cane to create a stronger, more distinct vibration than a small shifting of her weight on her feet. It would have more control.

You could give Toph a guide animal, buuuuuuut, um, Toph is not a guide dog person. Like, there are some people who definitely prefer a guide dog, and some people who definitely prefer a cane, and some who definitely prefer no mobility device at all. Toph does not have the vibes of someone who wants to be both responsible and reliant on an animal when she’s so insistent that she can take care of herself on her own. Toph likes animals, but not that much.

Although, yeah, only 10% of the blind community use mobility devices, so cane and guide dog users are the minority of the blind community, but I stand by the vibe that Toph would love the independence of a cane. Also, it’s almost never ever done. Modern AUs never seem to touch much on Toph’s O&M skills with canes or guide dogs.

I wrote a whole post on everything you need to know about canes, what orientation and mobility is, how you learn O&M, what kind of canes exist, how to use them, how to describe the sensory input a cane gives you, and everything I know about guide dogs from past research.

Honestly, you could give Toph (or any blind character) a cane in any AU, because I fully stand by the theory that canes are a piece of technology that has been invented, lost, and reinvented again and again.

I wrote “I found a piece of lost blindness history” a few months ago after a visit to see my grandparents. My grandmother told me how her blind aunt found a way to write letters by hand to send to my grandmother when she was a child. I speculated on how the long cane has probably been invented and then lost and then reinvented over and over again in history, as well as giving a little history on the growing popularity of guide dogs in the 20th century following World War 1.

About the “blank look in her eyes,” I have a theory to the exact cause and nature of Toph’s blindness.

I know it’s common to think that the milky green color of her eyes is why she’s blind, though I’m not sure how many realize that milky green color is caused by severe cataracts. At least, cataracts is what I assume to be the reason for the color of her eyes. However, people with cataracts still have some remaining sense of light and shadow perception.

Only 9% of the blind community is completely blind, seeing absolutely nothing. The rest have some remaining vision, even if that’s only light and shadow perception or the perception of vague movement.

The percentage of people born completely blind is even smaller.

Toph says that she’s never been able to see, which would lead me to guess that the initial cause of her blindness was a defect with the visual processing part of her brain. I also theorize that the cataracts developed slowly over her very formative years and that she likely wasn’t born with them. For that reason, I think it would have taken a few weeks or months for her parents to realize there was something wrong with her eyes.

Here is a post about the developmental years of blind children and how their life would differ from both sighted children and from someone who went blind as an adult.

What is it like to see nothing?

It’s a concept that sighted people struggle with and I completely understand. I myself didn’t understand the concept of “nothing” until someone explained it as this:

“Imagine trying to see out the back of your head.”

Which, genuinely, imagine that. Try that. Because here’s what I found. There’s no part of my body that can help perceive that. I don’t have eyes there, nor do I have a part of my brain that can process that. Because of this, there is no sense of light or dark, no shape or shadow or movement or depth that I can perceive. There is nothing.

And honestly, it gives me a headache trying to think too much about it.

Toph doesn’t see black, doesn’t have a mental image of it. When people talk about light and dark, Toph has nothing to base the concept on. The closest relation she has to that is silence versus sound, or her earth sense when she’s in the air on Appa versus when she’s on solid ground. But it’s not the same.

I would like to examine the way the show tried to describe Toph’s earth sense, that black void with ripples of white stretching from her feet and outwards. Television is a visual medium so of course their explanation of Toph’s earth sense would be visual, but that’s not what it’s actually like in her head. More accurately, it’s like touching the back of your head to something and feeling what’s solid behind it and what has more give. A wall versus a pillow for example. Slamming your hand on a flimsy table and feeling it rattle under your palm. And for someone so adept at using that sense, she feels not just the table surface under her palm, but the individual rattles down the four legs, how uneven those rattles are because the legs are carved decoratively instead of solid planks, and how the foot of each leg bumps against the ground, and how the floor vibrates in response to the impact, which she feels in both her feet and hand.

About Toph’s Relationship with Her Parents

It’s not something I see touched on much. There’s been a lot of focus on Zuko and Azula’s relationship with their parents and the abuse, as well as exploration of Sokka and Katara’s trauma with losing their mother, and Sokka looking up to his warrior father while Katara struggles with her abandonment issues.

Please don’t take this as a critique, because there are a few valid reasons for this and I would like to give you some insight on how to explore Toph’s relationship with her parents.

For starters, the show had a lot more reason to focus on Zuko and Azula’s parents, with Fire Lord Ozai being the primary villain and Zuko’s greatest abuser, and Azula’s dependent worship of her father in response to Ursa’s neglect and favoritism of Zuko, which was likely Ursa’s response to Ozai’s favoritism of Azula. Their parents are huge driving motivators for why Zuko and Azula make the decisions and mistakes they do, why they are at one point in the show the villains themselves. (And why I think Azula should get a redemption arc and some healing.)

Katara’s trauma of losing her mother and blaming herself is a huge factor in both her response to the war, her relationship with her bending, and her motherly nature with her friends. The show has to explore that. Just as it has to explore Sokka’s problems with toxic masculinity in response to being the man of his village, and his desire to be a great warrior and leader like the father he idolizes.

The show needs to explore that to make the plot move forward, and it benefits from these being two sibling sets with different responses to their upbringing and different sibling dynamics, setting them up as foils for each other.

The show also wouldn’t benefit by giving Lao and Poppy Beifong more screen time. Their established character were two nobles who kept as far out of the war as possible and prospered monetarily for it. Poppy was polite and demure and Lao liked to lead the conversation. Unless the gAang decided to return to Toph’s home, those characters had no reason to pop up anywhere in the show. And if they did, they would be a hinder to Toph and her part in the plot as both Aang’s earth bending teacher and as the greatest earth bender in the world, tossing Fire Nation soldiers eight ways to Sunday.

So truly, I understand that there’s not a whole lot of canon material (comparatively) to go off of when developing this, but I will offer some insight on what is there in canon.

Toph’s relationship with her parents is explored in that it maps out why Toph doesn’t want to be mothered by Katara, why she wants to prove how independent she is, but there’s very little on screen interaction between Toph and her parents.

Toph deeply loves her parents. I think that plays into why she doesn’t want Katara mothering her, because she has a wonderful mother at home who she loves and wants to better understand her, but she had no friends growing up and no older sister, which are the roles she needs and wants Katara to fill. If Toph wanted a mother figure, she would have latched onto Katara. Look at how Zuko never sought out another mother figure but did find a father figure in Iroh as he began to heal from his childhood trauma and separate his self image from his father’s acceptance.

Toph is in a complicated situation, she loves her parents but the way they’re raising her is hurting her in the long run. But Toph can see that their actions are because of their immense love for her. She can see how they would do anything for her. While she never had any examples of how other noble children were treated by their parents, who might have been distant or disinterested or always away for their social and work lives, she was remarkably loved by her parents. Her father put careful thought into her tutors and checked in on her progress. Her mother feared for Toph’s emotional state when she was kidnapped (even if she was incorrect about how Toph would respond), showing genuine empathy for her daughter.

I think their over protective nature became the love language Toph best understood them by, and part of her reasoning for not revealing how capable she was, was because she wanted to keep experiencing that love and care for as long as she could. But it’s not a love language she would put up with from anyone else.

I would like to point out Toph’s genuine excitement to see her mom again in the season finale of Book Two, how badly Toph wants her mom to understand and accept her for who she is.

My thoughts on what Toph can’t do: read, swim, see in the sand, fight things mid-air.

For how incredibly powerful the show makes Toph with her earth bending and the O&M she taught herself through it, they do touch on some of her weaknesses when they come up and find a useful way to showcase them.

The Serpent’s Pass was an excellent example of Toph’s vulnerability in water. From her fear of not being able to see on Katara’s ice bridge to not being able to swim and needing Suki to save her, Toph’s weaknesses putting her in danger added to the excitement and “sitting on the edge of your seat” feeling while watching the episode without turning her into someone who was helpless. She was just in a position where her normal defenses were useless.

Just like the earth benders in the metal prison in the ocean, or Katara having little water in the middle of a desert where her friends needed that water to survive more than she needed it to fight, making her vulnerable later in the show when the insect-wasp things attacked. Just like fire benders being weaker at night, or powerless during a solar eclipse, or a sighted person being lost in the dark. Those were just situations in which the tools you were accustomed to relying on could no longer help you or were taken away.

The show was clever in that it didn’t make her inability to read a direct threat to her safety, but rather as a clever plot device for her to be alone when the sand banders attacked and have to choose between fighting them to save Appa, or holding back an entire fricking building by the tiniest spire on its very top from falling into a void leading to the spirit world. It also showed her weakness to not being able to see or fight as well in sand. Which the show later made an effort to show how she’d improved on that problem in Book Three when she was surrounded by nothing but sand at Ember Island.

Like improving her ability to see in the sand, I would like to see a character teach Toph to swim, or at least float, so that she never feels helpless again. If she took the initiative to improve her sand bending so much, I’m sure she would have learn to swim eventually.

And on the note of reading, I’ve seen some speculation on how Toph could learn to read, whether it’s through using ink that has some percentage of earth mixed in, or developing the sensitivity to feel out the different weight, consistency, and texture of ink on paper.

I would like to bring your attention to Louis Braille, the blind Frenchman who invented Braille while studying at the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles, the world’s very first school for the blind in Paris France (established 1785). Previously Louis was learning to read through a method in which each letter was pressed into the paper to leave an imprint that someone could feel out with just their fingers.

Louis Braille concluded that raised lettering was impractical because-

1. It is difficult to read, the letters had to be printed in huge font to be fully felt out and printed on thick paper.

2. Thick paper means higher quality, more expensive. Larger font means more paper is needed for a single text.

3. This made it inaccessible due to expense and the sheer volume of a text.

4. If today’s Braille books are hard to access and giant compared to traditional books, I can’t imagine how inaccessible those raised letter books really were.

The subject of Braille, the start and controversial near downfall to Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles were discussed in a post about writing a blind character during the Victorian Era.

I’ve heard others complain in the past about fantasy universes in which a sighted person invents a solution to allow the blind to read, when the most effective and longest lived method was invented by a blindman over two hundred years ago and is the standard taught in schools today.

And while I couldn’t easily explain it or how it works because I can neither read Braille nor speak Chinese, I can tell you that Chinese Braille exists and works only slightly differently from the Braille western languages use. So, again, modern AUs especially would benefit from enabling Toph to read Braille and use a computer and phone with screen reader.

But just as easily you could choose not to have her learn to read but rather have sighted people read things aloud to her. Whether it’s in a professional setting as an adult having an assistant who reads and writes for her, or as a cute, fluffy little moment between Toph and another character. Both are just as genuine to the blindness experience.

Blind Jokes

If you ever get around to reading my post about blind jokes, I’d like you to remember that it’s primarily written for people writing original characters and that Toph canonically makes blind jokes, so to take away from that would not be true to her character.

Does Toph’s Earth Sense Negate her Blindness?

It’s a question I’ve seen raised before and discussed by both abled, disabled, and blind people. There are multiple perspectives on it, but my own take on it is that Toph’s earth bending does not negate her blindness, but rather functions very much like the process of learning to use a cane.

She had a tool, a teacher, and she learned to use that tool. Instead of a cane, it was seismic perception and her teacher were blind badger-moles. She spent years learning to earth bend as they do and then continued to take it to new heights as she explored fighting with it on her terms against sighted fighters.

Come to think about it, I would love to see Toph teach another visually impaired or blind earth bender who to see and bend as she does.

Is Toph Good Blindness Representation?

This question was posed to me in the comments of my master post, and my answer was something like this: “Toph is good representation, but she can't be the only type of representation we get. She's the best we had 15 years ago, but there are a million ways to nuance the blindness experiences. Toph's experience being born blind, having very over protective parents, being a small girl in a patriarical and wealth influenced society, having no friends growing up. Those are all great aspects of blindness to show, but there is so much more to explore. As for her blindness and whether or not that's negated, that's also nuanced. She has limits, she's not all-powerful, but she is the best earth bender hands down. More or less, I love Toph, she's a great character, give me like a million more blind characters who are completely different from her.”

I want to see accurate and well-written blind characters become much more common in modern media, and that’s why I started this blog. So if you decide you want to write your own blind character from scratch, feel free to come back and look at some of my other stuff.

End Notes:

I want to thank the anon who sent the original question because it never occurred to me how much the atla fandom would benefit from a post like this.

You should follow my blog. Along with advice about writing blind characters, I write general writing advice and answer questions about writing, college, plot development, character analysis, and living with blindness. I curate writing advice from fellow writeblrs, write my own image descriptions for writing memes, post about mental health and working/living with ADHD, disabilities outside of blindness, and LGBTQA+ topics.

#avatar the last airbender #toph beifong #atla toph #atla #blind character #writing advice #writeblr #fanfiction

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arty-shadow-morningstar · 3 years

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A Failed Betrothal (6)

Here is a new chapter for you guys. I am terrible at writing feelings and this is my best shot.😅 Tell me what you think.

[Masterlist]

(PART 1)(PART 5)

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(Words in bold is French)

“Tch, Drake is going to be busy trying to find Hawkmoth. He can’t go around Paris, being Dupain-Cheng’s boyfriend. Besides, he can’t be a proper boyfriend even in his most lucid moments. I will be her boyfriend instead.”

Tim was glad he didn’t take a sip of his coffee when Damian volunteered to be Marinette’s boyfriend. But he still choked on air. Jason with his limited knowledge of french was confused. Damian didn’t do what he heard, right?

“No, you can’t. Chloe already told them about Tim. If I come in with a different boyfriend, they would get suspicious. We can work on Hawkmoth while we go on those dates. Besides, I thought you don’t like me. That’s not going to sell the image of a loving couple.” Marinette pointed out. (She also doesn’t want to do this fake-date thing. Not because she likes Damian and she had always been a goner for green eyes and totally would be date him if it weren’t for some stupid curse dictating her feelings for him and fake-dating him might get her catch feelings for him and she would get her heart broken when this is all over and she would stay single forever and be a lonely old lady with hamsters and cats for company.)

“Actually, Mari-bug, I only told the class how romantic your boyfriend is. I never told them what he looked like. Just in case, Timothy couldn’t make it. I have back-up favors to cash in.” Chloe explained.

Marinette didn’t even know why she was surprised at that, this was Chloe after all.

“You have more than one American boy around our age in your debt who you intend to be my boyfriend? Sounds like you, Queenie. So that also means that Damian doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to.”

“My offer still stands. I will be your ‘boyfriend’ before I have to go back. I will be more understanding than those other American boys when you have to rush out for an attack. That is to assume that they can come here or agree. In our initial meeting, I didn’t like that weak girl act you put up. Recent events have made me realize that you are a much stronger person. (Careful Damian, that sounds like a compliment.) You are a decent partner to date.(Shit. Shit. Shit. That wasn’t a compliment, right?)”

Damian couldn’t see why Dupain-Cheng would refuse such a good deal. He supposed her feelings might be still hurt from his first impression of her. He would give her an apology when they are alone and away from his brothers who would make a big deal of it.

“Fine. At least, the curse will at least make this fake couple thing more believable.” grumbled Marinette. The light pink blush on her face is not because he said she was someone he would date.

Oh right, the curse. He swore internally, it had possessed him to be Dupain-Cheng’s boyfriend. He now would have to endure the hand-holding, kissing and staring into each other’s eyes, and try to resist the curse which will be much harder now. Somehow, he didn’t regret it a little bit. It sounds more bearable with him doing those things with her than her with Drake. This was just a mutual agreement to ward off her suitors and prove to her classmates that she was off the market.

Chloe clapped her hands,“If we have everything sorted out, you can start being a good boyfriend by walking Marinette to school today. We want to be on time now.”

The others started packing up their stuff or finished what they were eating. Marinette was dragged out of the bakery by an impatient Damian. Chloe and Alix picked up what Marinette left behind and followed out. The rest soon left right after, leaving the two boys in the bakery.

“Hey, Replacement, tell me if I am wrong but did Demon Spawn willingly ask a girl out?” Jason asked, stealing a croissant from Tim.

“Try making himself the perfect candidate to be her fake boyfriend out of many choices, including me, and get her to agree to it. Now he has to go on a few romantic dates with Marinette in order to ward off this really pushy guy in her class. Demon Spawn also has a crush on her and he’s in denial of it. We are not hallucinating either. I’ve checked.” Tim replied, sipping his coffee.

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“Damian. Let go. Hey, Wayne, are you listening to me? Let me go. This is not how you treat your significant other. And you are not even going in the right direction.” Marinette all but yelled at him.

He released his grip on her. “My apologies for manhandling you but I wanted to tell you this away from everybody else.”

“What?” She asked, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes.

I- This is a little difficult to say for me,” Damian started. (Why were his palms sweaty? It’s just an apology. He had done it before although it was mostly because Grayson told him what he did wrong and made him do it.) “But I am sorry for calling you weak, pathetic and every other bad thing I have said about you when you have shown that you are anything but those. I was mad at myself for being caught and took it out on you.”

Her glare softened.

“Apologies accepted. The school is this way.” She said with a smile and went towards the school. Damian walked by her side, his hands in his pockets.

Marinette looked at where his hands were, “If we are going to do this fake dating thing, I suggest we hold hands.”

Damian grabbed her hand and continued walking in silence. Her hands were so small and fitted perfectly in his. Oh God, it’s the curse again. Turning him into a sap. Do not think about her hands. And the fact that she took down a man twice her size with them which was an amazing sight to watch.

“Why are you so stiff? Loosen up a little. You are with the love of your life. Smile a little.”

Damian plastered on a fake smile, “Happy?”

“It looks fake. Being a model he will be able to tell.” Marinette remarked, “Are you sure you want to do this? We can still go get Tim to be my boyfriend.”

“I can do this. Drake wouldn’t be a better choice. It doesn’t help that you are relentlessly nit-picking me. Or are you that bad of a girlfriend?” Damian couldn’t help but sniped back. “Maybe that’s why Chat Noir left you.”

He found himself back against the world and her elbow at his neck. (He would forever deny that he liked it.)

“Look here, Wayne. You know nothing about me and you shouldn’t assume that you do. Chat Noir was revoked of his status as a hero for his behaviour. If you don’t act the part properly, I am going to have my former partner, who has absolutely no sense of boundaries, harassing me in my civilian life and I have already dealt enough of his advances to last a lifetime. I have given you so many chances to get out of this which you refused and yet, you are half-assing it. So are you in this 100 percent or not? Because I am at the end of my patience right now.”

“The boy who is obsessed with you is the former Chat Noir?”

“Yes, I will explain about that later but what’s your answer?”

“I will give it my best shot but I have never pretended to be in love.”

“Were you not taught in the League?”

“There were seduction tactics shown to members when they were old enough and I left them when I was 10 but I am not sure if those skills can be applied here.”(Slamming your opponent against the wall wasn’t one of them but she was doing a great job of it so far. No. No. No. He is not his father. This is different from whatever he has with Kyle.)

She released her hold on him and grabbed his hand, leading him towards her school.

“Well then, here are the basics. Everytime you look at me, just think of your favourite things to make your smile a little more genuine. Maybe call me by a pet name if you want. Keep your touch on me like you can’t keep your hands off of me and act really reluctant when you have to let go. You will only keep them my shoulders, arms, hands and waist or I will break your hand. I will do the same. If you are going to have to kiss me, give me a warning.” He looked into her blue eyes and nodded.

“Alright.”

“Oh. I almost forgot. In case they try to question our relationship. My favourite colour is red. My favourite song is ‘Fearless’ by Jagged Stone.(I love Taylor. Sue me) And we met online a few months ago. You came all the way to Paris to see me a month ago and asked me out. We will talk more that later. Oh, I also love designing and have dreams of being a famous fashion designer.-”

Marinette rambled on which Damian found a little endearing. He looked forward to knowing more about her. He added a few comments here or there about himself (because it was only fair.) and ways to improve their cover story about their relationship.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We are nearly at school. Let’s start the act, Romeo.” Marinette whispered at him and looked at him with a bright smile that brought a tiny smile to his face. Okay, maybe he liked Marinette a little bit but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with her.

He moved her hand holding his to the crook of his elbow.

“Is this acceptable, my lady?”

She wrinkled her nose, (Adorable. No. Don’t go there) “This is fine. But can you not call me that? And princess too? I may have erased his memories as Chat Noir but it could be a trigger to bring them back.”

“Understandable. What about Malak?”

She blushed. Marinette had learned Arabic a while back and was very fluent in the language.

“It’s okay.” She said in a soft voice. She put her other hand on his bicep and leaned on his shoulder.

“You don’t look like a touchy-feely person so is this fine?”

“Yes.”

“Cool, let me tell you more about the atrocious lies that had passed her mouth.”

They walked into the school courtyard, arm-in-arm, for the entire school, especially Marinette’s class, to see. The perfect picture of a loving couple. Marinette’s blush from earlier was evident on her face, leaving no room for doubt about her new relationship status. (Many guys, gals and pals were upset over it.) As they both walked up the stairs, whispering and laughing about who knows what (gulliable and idiotic classmates they have to suffer learning with), two pairs of green eyes followed them.

In this case, the saying ‘green-eyed monsters’ was true. One was envious of the boy who held the girl he wanted in his arms and the other was envious of the attention the couple was receiving.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damian escorted Marinette to her class. He gave her a kiss on her cheek and said, loud enough for the class to hear, “Bye, Malak. I will pick you up after school for our date.”

“B-bye, Damian.”

He took her hand, gave a kiss to the back of it and departed, leaving a very red-faced Marinette behind. The rest of the class parted the way as Damian walked past.

She rushed into her seat where Chloe sat beside it, grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

“Sooooo, Mari-bug, how was your date? You two rushed out of there so quickly and left your stuff behind. So eager to spend time with your boyfriend, eh? You enjoyed it very much by the looks of it.”

“Sorry about that, Chloe. Did you bring my bag and the cheese danishes?” Marinette tried to change the topic. And she also wanted to make sure a god of destruction doesn’t go hungry and angsty during school. “Yep, here you go,” Chloe said, handing Marinette her bag and a box of cheese-flavoured snacks for Plagg, “Your mom packed some for you.”

“Marinette. Where have you been the last two days? And you came back with a boy. I am honestly worried about your behaviour.” Lila played the concerned classmate wonderfully.

“Yeah, Marinette. This is a new low, even for you.” Alya added.

Marinette readied herself to tell the cover story Damian and her worked out on the way here.

“Lila, I appreciate your ‘concern’. But the last four days have been a little hard on me so excuse me if I am a little snappy today. You see, Damian disappeared and didn’t return home after school on Friday. So when he didn’t pick up for our weekly video call, I panicked and called his family and they told me what happened. They sent me a plane to get out of Paris so I can’t get akumatized.”

“Was that why you were gone on Saturday?” Chloe asked, playing along although she already knew why Marinette wasn’t in Paris the last four days.

“Yeah. Sorry for not telling you guys. It was sorta last minute. Thankfully, he wasn’t kidnapped actually. His biological mother picked him up but never told his father that she was taking him. I just came back last night. Dami followed me to make sure I am okay.”

“What a bunch of bullcrap.” Alya said, “I don’t believe you.”

Oh. The irony... “Alya, I don’t care if you do. My life is my own business. So keep your nosy nose out of it. Your opinions don’t matter to me anymore, stranger.” Marinette internally was tired of this silly routine and wanted this to end already.

Alya wanted to pick a fight with her over the smallest things she did for the past months. She wondered why her former best friend hated her this much.

“Lila told me that you were skipping school and you paid an actor to be your pretend boyfriend.”

Pretending to not hear what Alya said, Marinette turned towards Chloe, “Hey, you never told me about how you met Tim. I can’t believe that you two are friends.”

“We met at one of those charity galas-”

“Hey, we were talking to you.” Alya cut her off. To which Chloe glared at the ombre-haired girl.

“I thought our conversation was done. What else am I supposed to say?”

Marinette was frustrated and hid that fact well, showing any reaction would give the game away. If she had reacted, it would further fuel the fire of Alya’s self-righteousness, making her believe that Marinette was somehow guilty of what Lila told her about. Lila managed to turn nearly the entire class against her by appealing to their ‘hero’ side and outbursts from Marinette and the others made them more sure of themselves of being in the right. It was so deep-rooted that nothing would sway them to logical reasoning. Maybe except Phase 2. Phase 1 was made a little easier when Talia kidnapped her and made her miss a few days of school.

Phase 2 was to not acknowledge the lies or just appear uninterested. It would illustrate the point that people don’t have to listen to them if they don’t want to. If possible, sow little seeds of doubt to the ones Lila had a looser grip on. The more people they can slowly get on their side, the better.

Alya was confused, usually Marinette would throw a ‘temper tantrum’ about how she didn’t do that and Lila lied.“I-, you should-, You should apologize to Lila.”

Marinette raised an eyebrow, “For what this time?”

“For saying that she was lying.”

“Pray tell, when did in any of our conversations so far did I do that? I mean I don’t like the fact that she just accused me with little evidence of paying my someone to be my boyfriend but I am not going to fight with anyone over it. Maybe I did do that, Maybe I didn’t. Maybe there is a good reason I did those things. The thing is Lila should keep to her own business and I will keep to mine. And as should you. I know you are a reporter at heart but you should at the very least respect my privacy.”

Alya stayed silent, fuming. Everyone was looking at them now. She realized that the designer was right and if she pushed further, she would be the bad guy.

“I thought so. Now, go away. I have nothing else to say to you. Let Chloe finish her story of how she met Tim which you so rudely interrupted.”

“Who’s Tim?” Lila asked, wanting to know more about Marinette’s boyfriend to work on an angle to get him away from the ravenette.

“Mari-Bug’s boyfriend’s older brother. Now, shoo peasants, we are talking. Anyways, Mommy took me to when I was younger so I could mingle with all the other rich kids and get connections. Timothy was there and back then, he was still with the Drakes...”

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Lila and Alya returned to their seats, both were visibly upset although Lila was seething inside. When Marinette was not at school for the last two days, the Italian thought that it was the last she had seen of her. Today, she showed up with a handsome boy on her arm and by the looks of his clothes, rich too. If she manages to get ‘Damian’ to break up with that pest and date her instead, then she would have a rich, handsome boyfriend devoted to her and that brat would be so heart-broken that an akuma so powerful would be made that even Ladybug won’t be able to defeat. A two for one deal. Lila started planning (scheming) to take her boyfriend away.

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(Part 7)

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Edit: I am so sorry. I forget to add the taglist.

Tag list: @alysrose-starchild, @buginetye, @lookatthestars1, @blackroserelina, @macncheesemonster, @mochinek0, @myazael, @tonicxworld, @thewitchwhowaited, @t1dwarrior-of-earth, @kissa-chan, @iwantasecretidentity, @theymakeupfairies, @user00000003, @woe-is-me0, @kashlyn, @mochegato,@moonlightstar64 , @greatcatblaze, @moongoddesskiana, @tazanna-blythe. @tonicxworld, @toodaloo-kangaroo, @frieddonutsweets, @local-witch-of-mn, @lady-bee-fechin, @iglowinggemma28, @indecisive-mess-named-me, @k-tea-and-coffee, @jayjayspixiepop, @all-mights-asscheeks, @idk-j-go-with-it , @loysydark, @thenillabean, @lolieg, @zalladane, @silvergold-swirl, @henie04, @blueblossombliss, @khneltea, @mochegato, @itsmeevie01, @roguishredaxion, @alyssadeliv, @steph-hearthlight, @adrestar, @eliza-bich, @abrx2002, @hikari55ttva, @doglover82, @daminette5074, @moon5608,@justafanwarrior, @allis-sun, @animegirlweeb, @aespades, @corporeal-terrestrial, @mildlydeadly, @kanamexzeroyaoifangirl,

#damian x marinette #maribat #ml x dc #daminette #mlb x dc #a failed betrothal #betrothal au: take 2

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cloverthirteen · 3 years

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Was Ace Attorney made as a satire on Japan’s legal system? -- An analysis

I wouldn’t really call myself an Ace Attorney fan--I’ve never played any of the games, the closest I’ve come being watching other people’s let’s plays. I do like reading about the series on wikis and interacting with fan content for it, though, so I do know a fair amount about it.

One thing I see being said pretty often by fans is that the series was intended as a satire/parody of the Japanese legal system, which is why the courts are ridiculously biased towards the prosecution, prosecutors often care more about perfect win records more than putting actual guilty people behind bars, etc. If you’re familiar with this, you’ve probably heard of Japan’s 99% conviction rate. This interpretation of the games and the way they work definitely makes sense.

But after hearing this many times I eventually noticed something. There isn’t a single actual source (creator statement, interview, etc.) that backs up this claim. Every time I see someone online say “the series creator made Ace Attorney to parody Japan’s actual legal system” there is never a link to an interview or anything that proves their statement correct. If someone has an actual, verified source from Shu Takumi or someone else who had significant involvement with the series, please prove me wrong and show it to me. But according to all of the creator’s statement’s I’ve read, there’s no evidence of the series being an intentional parody.

So, what do we know about the creation of the Ace Attorney series? Well, it was created by Shu Takumi, who wrote and directed the first three games. After working on the dinosaur survival horror game Dino Crisis for Capcom, he was given the opportunity to make any kind of game he wanted. He really wanted to make mystery and adventure games, and from that came Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.

MC: Before developing Ace Attorney you worked on Dino Crisis. How does one go from dinosaur survival horror to virtual courtrooms?

ST: Dino Crisis was the brainchild of my then boss, Resident Evil creator, Shinji Mikami. Working on his projects taught me not only how to make games, but also how to think about them. After Dino Crisis 2 wrapped, Mr Mikami gave me six months in which to create any kind of game I wanted.

I was still pretty wet behind the ears, but as I'd originally joined Capcom with a desire to create mystery and adventure games, this was a huge chance for me to make my mark as a creator. In the end it took a team of seven 10 months to produce the first GBA Ace Attorney title. Having the freedom to create exactly the kind of game I wanted was amazing and it was a real pleasure to work on that project.

MC: Can you remember when the idea of Ace Attorney first came to you? How did your bosses respond to the idea of a lawyer-based adventure game when you first described it to them?

ST: It was in 2000 when Mr Mikami said I could make my own game and my original idea was a fairly typical adventure with a detective as the main character. Most mystery adventures have the player choose from a number of different dialogue options for their character in order to progress the story, but I wanted a new gameplay style that enabled players to deduce for themselves what was happening, rather than just selecting canned responses. I developed this into the concept of facing off against the suspect in a crime and exposing the contradictions in their statements.

I was sure my new idea would be a fun and original take on the genre, so I started to revise the main character, since a detective would be too traditional for such an original concept. I asked myself, "What kind of professional would face off against a suspect and expose their contradictory statements?" The answer, of course, was a lawyer and so the Ace Attorney concept was born.

(source, from an interview on the making of the series)

Takumi’s original concept for the game involved Phoenix as not a defense lawyer, but as a detective. The gameplay was to consist of “facing off against the suspect of a crime and finding the contradictions in their statements.” However, Takumi eventually realized that taking apart contradictions wasn’t really a detective’s job, and decided to change the protagonist to a lawyer and the setting to a courtroom instead. And thus, the game’s concept was finalized.

Janet: As you know, “Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy” is coming out world-wide this winter, and as I was brainstorming what to write about for this week’s blog, I remembered your tweets from 2010.

Takumi: Tweets from 2010?

Janet: …Well, it was a long time ago…

Takumi: ???

Janet: I-It’s OK if you don’t remember…

Takumi: …Oh, THOSE! Yes!

Janet: I remember reading them and being shocked by how different the original draft of the game’s story was – how Phoenix wasn’t even a lawyer, but a private eye!

Takumi: Yes, AA was originally supposed to be a detective game, so naturally, Phoenix was to be a private eye. But then, one day, I made a startling realization: the gameplay concept I was going for was for players to enjoy finding and taking contradictions apart, but that was hardly related to investigating or detective work at all. In that moment, I had it – I realized that the main setting for the game should be the courtroom.

Janet: That’s quite the jump, but you know, I can’t imagine this series being anything else at this point.

(source, from an interview by Janet Hsu about the game’s early development)

During the development for the game, Takumi actually knew very little about the intricacies of the legal system--and in fact, he’s been very transparent about that fact in interviews. There’s even a story he talks about in a blog post where he was asked “shouldn’t we do some research on law before we make this game?” and agonized over it for a bit before deciding that being accurate about courtroom processes wasn’t important--what was important was that the game made the trials exciting and fun.

November, 2000. The characters were coming together, and I was working desperately on my first scenario (the current Turnabout Sisters). One day, I was asked about the one thing I didn’t want to be asked about.

“Mr. Takumi. Don’t we need to do some research on law?”

The knowledge I have about the law, pretty amounts to the one fact that in Japan we have the Roppō Zensho ('Complete Book of The Six Major Legal Codes').

“Don’t bother with that. This is a detective game. “

It should have been over with this one line, but…

“But this isn’t a detective game, it’s a lawyer game!”

“If it’s not going to be realistic, I don’t see why this should be about trials.”

“People who play this might get wrong knowledge from the game!”

“We might get sued by the Bar Association!”

“They’ll start complaining!”

…Gyakuten Saiban (Ace Attorney GBA) is simply a “mystery game.”　“Being realistic” is not what is important. What’s important is emphasizing, and recreating the unique “atmosphere” and “tension” of the courtroom. That is why the judge uses a gavel, even though no judge uses that, and why Naruhodō shouts "Objection!" even though nobody does that either.　This game does not need a “realistic courtroom”!

Chasing the true murderer down to the end, and then getting applauded for that in the courtroom. That feeling of thrill and excitement. It was only by February of the following year when we finally manage to recreate that in the game. The couple of months after this had happened, we looked around, got lost and troubled our minds in search for the answer of the big question of “How do we make a trial into a game?”. Fall was passing by, and the cold winter was close upon us.

(source, from an archived blog post by Takumi)

So, realism and knowledge of law wasn’t important to Takumi during the development of the series. But there’s also the fact that Takumi has actually personally denied that the Ace Attorney series was an intentional satire or criticism of the court system at any point. In fact, according to a blog post (done as if Phoenix and Maya were reading the column and commenting on it), he actually dislikes people seeing his work this way, as he never intended the games to have any big political statements.

A major prerequisite for Gyakuten Saiban is it’s so simple “even my mother could play it”. So there is only one point at the core of the game: “Seeing through lies”.

Naruhodō: It wasn’t even supposed to be a game about the trials at first. Mayoi: Eh! Really?! Naruhodō: “Simple” is basically all this game is about, according to TakuShū. Mayoi: What do you mean? Naruhodō: He didn’t want to add all kinds of elements for the player to think about, like alibis, tricks or about the culprit. It’d just confuse them. Mayoi: Really. Naruhodō: Basically, you can proceed in the game if you just think about where the contradiction is. He figured that with that, the controls of the game could also stay simple. Mayoi: But, but, why the trials then? Naruhodō: “A story about a detective seeing through lies” wouldn’t be any different from the other games out there. So that’s why he decided to have someone whose job is seeing through lies as the protagonist. Mayoi: So a defense attorney. Naruhodō: Occasionally TakuShū sees magazines introducing the game as “a work that dared to take on the theme of trials”, and that actually hurts him. Mayoi: He never meant to be something as big as that….

(source, from the mentioned blog post)

Ultimately I see how easy it is, if you know a good amount about both Ace Attorney and Japan’s legal system, to come to the conclusion that the games were made as a dig against the latter. However, somewhere along the line, people apparently stopped seeing this as merely a theory and instead as a definite fact. Now, that doesn’t mean that the theory is entirely unfounded--given that Takumi focused only on making trials interesting and fun in the games, you could say that the games work as an light, comedic parody, not meant to make any political statements. And hey, maybe there’s something I missed--maybe there were other people working on the series who did have significant knowledge of law and wrote some parts of the games as intentional satire of the system. Again, if anyone has evidence of this, don’t hesitate to provide it. But with what I know, I don’t think going “well actually” to people who point out the ridiculousness and unfairness of Ace Attorney’s court system is necessary. It’s simply that way to make the games more fun.

#ace attorney #phoenix wright #this was actually kind of fun to research and write!#kinda felt like i was making a statement in a courtroom...

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