#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!! #<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly. #they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid. #god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

[alasmydearatlas]

sometimes i think my mom was maybe not a good mom

i feel like shit saying that

bc now when i say it i mean it

ive always joked about it and how she was so weird and strict and controlling but like i didn't relaize the like..... scale of it

and how just not normal it was

or maybe it was

but lowkey i be thinking it was maybe not supposed to be like that

i am afraid to exist in common areas bc i feel like im going to get yelled out

i pay rent to be here

but i still feel like i should not be here in a space i partially own

i know in the hoes its not my house

but like i must have had some rights, right???

eating chocalte chips is not that big of a crime, right??!?!?!

i feel like she was never proud of me

i had to ask her to tell me she was proud of me

that was good and big of me

but i didnt like that i had to

i feel like too maybe she didn't like my hobbies or i was just too scared to have them

maybe if i was busy enough with things she couldnt control bc they were good things she couldnt get mad at me for

it wasnt bad

there were good times

but the unshakable feeling of unease i dont think was suppsoed to be there

and i think she showed me how to be independant

and also showed me i was under her care which meant i was under her control

i want to be able to shut my door

i still feel like im doing something wrong when my door is shut

guilt

i feel so steeped in guilt and apologizes that didn't fit quite right in my mouth bc i just wanted someone to talk to me again

i think she made me very responsible for her emotional state and i dont like that

i should be allowed to come home late from work and not feel guilty about her staying up

thats not on me if she is worried

she has my fucking location all the time

she can chill

her silence hurts, and her dismisal hurts and i feel worthless and guilty and like dirt when she treats me like that

and then im groveling and taking blame

i feel like a pushover

maybe i am

i am getting better

i am learning to say no and that is a good thing

today i told them that i would not like them to be here for my sisters b day bc that is too close to finals

and i didn't just let my mom drag my whole family up here for a "vacay" no one would enjoy

and she did it tonight! perfect example

made us all feel guilty about our work schedules and how we might just have a single night in santa barbra in a little beach house and she sounded so put upon and taxed and dissapointed in something we really cant control

its so subtle and guilt trippy

ugh its making me angry

im so angry for yonger me

im so angry for current me

i deserved a grownup, and i deserved to be a kid

the social development i missed out on and i feel so behind and im catching up but i feel like im so behind and im on the wrong foot always

and i will never be cool enouhg or have grown up in a way that i want to tell other people about

i am still finacially dependant on her and i hate it

bc i feel like if i make her mad she will cut my tuition and grocery money and i could handle that but like it would be so hard

i also think i reminder her of my dad

she has told me that often actually

in like a bad way though

like i think she thinks she can parent me out of becoming like my dad but all that does is make it more likley lmao

also, she moved out when she was 17

there is no way she did that so easily if she had that good of a relationship with her parents

she wanted to be involved but she was too involved and so so so judgey

bc mandy is super judgemental too

and i think that is learned behavior

also the way she handled me coming out

i get it

but that shit hurt lowkey

made me feel like i was wrong and bad and like it was another blemish on my character

man i dont know

here are my thoughts

i will add more later maybe

[lanadelreyscokewhor3]

My lovely,

God I had such a bad day today too, let’s revel in it together ❤️.

I can’t even explain, like, right when I think I get over things I just break down over one thing and it rolls and snowballs over lol. Ontop of that my dad is just such a character like the most cliche asshole rich-and-thinks-throwing-money-at-things-will-eradicate-everything-but-still-complains-about-everything-I-do-absentee types. He’s so disinterested in my life or anything I do or any of my achievements and is so rude to me for literally no reason. Like he hangs up on me all the time whenever somethings not going his way (the rarity when he actually talks to me). And I literally turned 19 this year and he hasn’t changed character or developed as a genuine human being since I was born (honestly I know he didn’t even want another kid so it’s such a gr8 feeling just knowing that as a foundation before I was born). I put all my effort into school to hopefully get as far as I can from him (like general vicinity wise since my parents r divorced and live in diff areas) and just be successful without having to depend on him for anything. Sorry for the random trauma dump, I just literally keep everything in my head all day until I feel like I’m actually going to explode. I honestly hate feeling bad like all the time (sometimes it’s more evident than other times ofc but still it’s always just there).

Yayo og version is so gorgeous. Florida kilos has always been one of my favorites I just like I don’t really like Florida bc the humidity is so intense but that song makes me want to book a flight lol. And I’m too much of a pussy to do coke so I wouldn’t but that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing ab doing it w dilf Pete <333!!

On another note, I’m proud of you for finishing your exam!! I’m sure you did very well, now you can reward yourself for all the hard work you put in to studying etc. Hang in there! Love you.

-🍿

never apologise for the dump honey. its what im here for. i hear you, and i care so much. i want to apologise from the bottom of my heart about your father. i know exactly what you mean, bc mine is kinda the same way. it sucks more than anything, just wanting his validation.

please know i am so proud of you and i love you. i also know what you mean about the sadness, or yucky feeling always being there. sometimes i wanna shake myself silly i hate it so much. but we just gotta be mindful, accept it, acknowledge it and cope with it in a healthy way. we are strong, and we are independent. we spread love, and we get love back from the people we love the most (aka you and i!)

florida heat makes me die. my family likes to go to disney ( we havent since covid) and i LOVE it dont get me wrong but bruh. i melted like those mickey ice cream bars. and now god knows i tried just turned on, so now im thinking about us taking a dip by the pool, with big sunhats and glasses. in like a flower garden, with willow trees over us, keeping us cool as we sip fancy drinks like champagne. honeymoon is my fav album, i just realised ive never said that on here lol. do i seem like a honeymoon gal? cause i am a huge honeymoon gal. that album aesthetic is literally MY aesthetic

thank you for the kind words about the exam! i love you. i really hope it went well. im currently at a 91, so if i fail, i wont fail the course (thank fucking god). i don't really have anyone to tell about it, but in my mind i like to think peter is proud of me for my chem work!!

#claire asks #my precious 🍿 anon