#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!! #<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly. #they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid. #god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

[aquarianlights]

how have you been doing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

No, actually, I’ve been okay. Haha. Thank you for asking. Just been.... adulting like crazy. Like... I scheduled all these appointments at the last second...moved in with my friend and his bf... have driven three hours to these appts and three hours back... every day for a week except yesterday. I had to drive to the fucking DMV and get an NC ID card coz my Drivers License is still Florida.... And idk where my legal residency actually is...lmao. But I had to have an NC ID to get in with the pain specialist. So I drove 2.5 hours to the DMV....got that changed...2.5 hours back. Next day, chronic pain specialist appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back... with crippling joint pain.... Next day, psych eval appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back. And this all happened like...2 days after I moved here... a close to 4 hour drive...from where I was...and I’m waiting on a fuckton of calls back... but monday is a holiday AHHHHHHH so I can only call certain people and do certain adult things on monday...then I gotta call EVERYONE on tuesday and do all the things I couldn’t do monday on tuesday... I have a whole damn list. So finally...yesterday and today have been free days. So I spent them spending 25 dollars for an application fee to this new college I’m attending as a transient student. I now have 6 vet tech classes and am adding 2 gen ed transient classes. I will have my AA by the end of this coming semester...and have my OTHER AA by the time I have my BA or am almost finished with my BA. And then I will have two AA’s...one in vet tech and one in a medical transfer track degree.... And my BA.... and then onto my masters..IF I PASS THIS FUCKING TEST AND DON’T GET WAITLISTED.I have been relentlessly studying for the TEA’s all weekend. Just nonstop. Started adding exercise coz apparently the treatment for lupus and fibromyalgia is exercise???????? So I just...pop 100mg of lyrica or more in the morning, exercise via sit ups and push ups, make some iced coffee, take a mini jog, go home and do chores like dishes and taking trash out (there’s not a lot to do cleaning wise coz this place is spotless), then I get on my tasks for the day which I have been forcing myself to do no matter how much physical/mental pain I’m in. If I have to take a 5 minute break to slit my wrists or thighs or sides, that’s fine. I do it, play with the blood, feel the endorphin rush, pop more lyrica.....maybe add in some valium if I’m feeling I need it (that’s rare, though...I don’t fuck with benzos too much anymore coz I control my panic disorder through exercises...like...jumping jacks and running and sit ups and acting like I’m in the military and being screamed at by The Rock or something lmaaaooooo...it actually does calm my panic attacks down a fuckton because it forces endorphins through my body and reduces adrenaline and forces me to focus on my breathing...so my valium script is..... well... I pop em when I feel the “need”. or when I actually cannot slow my heart down via a panic attack). Drove to the college here....talked to advisers...they couldn’t help coz they don’t have late start semesters...had to call my other transient class school and cancel coz I don’t live there anymore...went to another college talked to another adviser about transient classes...they set me up with another college...it’s a 45 minute drive, but hey. For two classes? Bruh, I got that.Uhhhhh.....been doing a LOT of paperwork....catching up on vet tech seminars I missed via recordings. Getting in with the “back to work” program with my disability people... TRYING to get a job without getting my disability taken away...but I have to see a rheumatologist first and I’m waiting on a call back from the one my PCP referred me to...and waiting on a call back from my PCP about a fuckton of stuff...she’s a 4 hour drive away so.

trying to find time to make a 12 hour drive to NOLA to get all my stuff and say goodbye to my roommates for 6+ months.

Again, relentlessly studying for the TEA’s coz I’m scheduled to take them this summer after my AA is earned. And I’m legitimately terrified..... I mean, I’m applying to a fuckton of pre-med programs but........... the admit rate for EVERY pre-med program is insane.... Like...if you don’t get a perfect score on all four sections of the TEA’s...you’re fucked. Akjghfkklaglskjf NO CALCULATOR. [internal screaming]

I have a 2-page-long list of things to do on monday and tuesday. Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. It’s 1:53am right now.....I have to be awake at AT LEAST 8am and I’m STILL studying for the TEA’s but I think I’ve given up coz I was looking at a bar graph and it asked me what kind of graph it was and I put down line graph as my answer and I just looked at what I wrote and was like “....????????” So it was at that point that I knew I needed to stop. They suggest 50 minute study sessions with 10 minute breaks 3-5 times a day for about 6 weeks minimum. My personal TEA’s test guidance counselor person....told me to study for 8 months. He told me the average TEA’s studying is 8 months. I FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A FUCKING BOARD EXAM JFC. The TEA’s are so daunting and intimidating....ugh. Shoot me. Like... I have NO PROBLEM with 3 sections...there’s just...1 section...that I’m destined to fail........ So I’m terrified.

Getting psych help. They wanna set me up with an ACTs team. Which is... a doctor, a nurse/PA/CNA/whatnot, a therapist (psychologist), and a psychiatrist. People for med management and for me to talk to. All in one sitting... minimum of 3 times a week.... Coz I’m having anger blackouts as though I have weed in my system and I have NEVER had anger blackouts without an herbal substance in my system, specifically weed. Holy fuck it’s scary. And my intrusive thoughts are no longer thoughts...they’re genuine desires and pleasure dreams. (Not sexual...mental pleasure.) I lost 6 hours of time the other day while sending voice clips to my friends while going over 100 miles an hour on a highway. I sounded literally psychotic in my voice clips (albeit, my diagnoses dictate I am psychotic, I have never sounded like it before). I mean...I could have KILLED people. Or myself. Or both. or animals....Holy fucking hell. 6 hours...a lot of driving... some of it was parking in an abandoned parking lot and doing... I’m not sure what... 6 hours of time gone. And I’m losing more and more time every day due to anger-induced blackouts. I literally called my mother a cunt. I...I attacked her verbally like a 12 year old hormonal boy who needs to be put in a fucking time out. And I have no recollection of it. At all. But the texts and voicemails and call logs are all there. It’s fucking scary coz I could hurt or kill someone...or myself. Came close NYE. Sheriff talked to me NYE....I somehow have this weird theatrical charisma that everyone just....... believes is real when it’s really just me acting. And I talked him down from him being all “There are multiple reports of you having slit your wrists open and downed pills and multiple reports of you saying homicidal things” to “Oh okay I will call them back and tell them you’re okay. You should text them and tell them you’re okay yourself, though.” I was in a hotel for a week....that was... I lost a lot of time there. Going back and forth between the hotel and my PCP. Getting my room in order.... keeping track of my finances for the first time in my entire life.... getting my car switched to my name and under a new insurance...changing my license... lots and lots of document-related stuff...lots and lots of phone calls and voicemails and call-backs...lots and lots and LOTS of appointments.... SO MUCH joint pain. I have lupus and fibromyalgia...but they think it’s a flinching disorder that is in my head from childhood physical abuse and adult sexual and physical abuse. Like...apparently my brain is producing pain and visible lesions akin to lupus, fibro, osteoprorosis, arthritis, etc... and the pain is VERY real...but it’s cured psychologically because it’s psych based...not physical. Like..the physical pain is real...but it’s produced by my brain? If that makes sense? Like...you know the report a million fucking years ago (idk maybe like 5 or 10 years ago???) or that lady (or was it a guy?) who froze to death while trapped in a freezer that was turned off? Yeah, that’s me. I’m the type of person who---if trapped in a freezer that was turned off and I didn’t know it was turned off---would freeze myself to death with my own brain. So...the trauma from childhood physical and mental/emotional abuse and neglect...and trauma from adult sexual and physical abuse and a bit of verbal/emotional abuse....apparently is causing this “flinching disorder”??????????? But I meet criteria for both lupus and fibro...but he thinks it’s this other thing...and ....

Like I said at the beginning...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Also trying to get Echo here.... but need to go to NOLA first...which I will be doing this month. Figuring out when exactly after Monday and Tuesday’s stuff I need to do..... Go to NOLA for at least a week...come back...get Echo and the rest of my things... Cut a certain two people out of my life entirely. . .SO MUCH TO DO.Fuck, bruh. I’m exhausted and in CONSTANT extreme physical pain BUT.......................................................it’s cool. Did you know you can get high on lyrica? I sure as hell didn’t. I accidentally took over 500mg in one sitting....all at once... Bruh, it felt like I had taken 2 tabs of acid, popped maybe 4 blues, and drank a full Four Loko. It was intense. The walls were breathing, I couldn’t walk, everything was blurry, felt like I was floating, kept dropping things, laughing at everything...couldn’t see...couldn’t read or write... felt tingly all over...  Imagine constant vertigo like...no matter what position you’re in or if you move or stay still. Just.. That feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Yeah. Imagine that.....for hours....no matter what you do... CONSTANT VERTIGO/LIGHTHEADEDNESS FOR HOURS! Felt like I was on a cloud... but also... Even the appropriate doses of lyrica make it so I can’t walk in a straight line.... I keep bumping into walls and falling up stairs and dropping EVERYTHING and falling over ....OH MY GOD I FELL OUT OF BED THE OTHER NIGHT. THIS IS A QUEEN SIZED BED...I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE....AGAINST THE WALL...AND SOMEHOW I FELL OUT OF BED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A QUEEN BED THAT COULD FIT FOUR OF ME.............. ?????????????? I was on the ground like...with the vertigo ...going ... “?????” Oh my FUCK.

I’m not even stressed, though. Like...high pressure, high risk, chaos, spontaneity, impulsivity, self gratification, advancement, pressure pressure pressure, strict deadlines, things that could change at a moments notice, being on call practically all day every day for certain things.... Like... I love it. That’s why I chose emergency medicine... It is when I perform best, when I feel best, and when I can focus best. I can’t focus if nothing is going on around me.... It makes me extremely distracted by my own LOUD AF thoughts and minor whispers of voices that are coming back so SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH MY MEDS but they’re gonna fix it but I refuse to EVER get back on an anti-psych so I will ONLY work with them on trying to fix my current meds or switching to a different mood stabilizer...IDK.

Bought  a fuckton of medical textbooks that I have just been...pouring over...while I should be devoting that time to studying for the TEA’s...... UHAgain... “How am I” is answered as:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I turn 26 next month. Holy fucking wow................................................................

Uh. Okay. Rant over....Wow, good job, Killian. Verbosity wins again.It’s 2:16am now. Jfc. I need to lay down. My world is spinning. Fucking lyrica, man.........

Thank you for asking, though.... Makes me feel like maybe someone cares about my general wellbeing...or something... Idk. Makes me feel good,though. And happy. Happy that someone cares enough to ask. I appreciate it, fren. I really do. And I hope you’re doing well and thriving like I am. c: