#i could write novels of honest observations about myself

[strangersmunsons]

Eddie, My Love! eddie munson x reader // valentine's day special series Day 5 Prompt: Love Notes 💌 ~ 2,300 words Eddie writes you an anonymous love note. it doesn't go according to plan.

Dear ____

I hope you’re not too weirded out by this. To be perfectly honest with you, it seemed like a really good idea when I saw this pink paper in the art room and swiped it, but now I’m not so sure…

Ah, fuck it. We’ve made it this far, haven’t we? The pen has been put to paper — I might as well nut up and finish the job.

I really like you. I think about you all the time.

You don’t know me, but we had a class together two years ago. And on the first day, when I was still fresh off a jilt by a different girl, you came in and sat down. I didn’t think much of anything at first; you were just another body in the classroom, and I was wallowing in self-pity, nursing my metaphorical wounds. But as the minutes passed, I found myself glancing over at you — at first just once, then again, and then again, and then I was staring, and all I could think was: she’s really beautiful. And then I couldn’t stop looking.

Day after day I’d watch you in class and in the hallways and anywhere else you and I happened to be occupying the same space. I still do. There’s just something about you that keeps drawing me in. You seem so genuinely good and kind, like you would never hurt anybody, not even a guy like me. But I still can’t bring myself to approach you, because I look at you, and then I look at myself, and I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved that way, by someone as perfect as you. I can’t take the leap no matter how badly I want it.

I have dreams about you. I dream about what it would feel like to hold your hand, to put my arms around you, and to feel yours around me. If my subconscious is feeling particularly indulgent, I might get a kiss. But mostly in these dreams we just exist together, which feels like the most unattainable fantasy of them all. They’re the sweetest dreams to have but the worst to wake up from. 

I’m not sure why I’m confessing this all to you now. Everyone else is sending each other candy grams and roses; I suppose it means I’m not as immune to this Hallmark-conspired holiday as I thought. If nothing else, I hope this gives you at least an inkling of how wonderful you are, in case you ever had any doubts. You’re a sweet girl. Anybody would be really lucky to be with you. Especially me.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Deliberately omitting his signature, Eddie sets his pen down and stares at the paper in front of him, rereading the fucking novel he just wrote you.

See, now this is far too much. 

Cheeks violently red, he slumps over the table in embarrassment. God, he sounds like such a serial killer! He can’t give this to you, no way. Even if it is anonymous.

…can he?

On one hand, you might find it touching. On the other hand, you might find it both disturbing and grossly predative. 

If it’s truly any one thing, it’s honest — Eddie has spent the past two and half years being completely and utterly infatuated with you. He’d call it love, if he’d ever said a single word to you. But instead he’s camped out here in the library during his lunch period, spilling his guts out all over this cotton-candy pink paper, with no intention of revealing his identity. 

He sighs, and with nimble fingers, folds the paper into a shape that resembles a heart. Tucking the love note into the pocket of his vest, he wrenches himself away from the table and stalks out of the library. His expression is sour; to the outward observer, he looks mightily pissed off, although what he’s really  experiencing is a fierce combination of ambivalence and humiliation towards his own actions. You’d never guess that his heart is thumping wildly against his chest as he speeds through the empty hallways, getting closer and closer to your locker, still uncertain of what he’s going to do when he actually gets there.

But he knows that if he’s going to do something, he needs to do it now, because lunch will be over in mere minutes, and then everyone will start pouring out of the cafeteria.

133…134…135…there it is.

Eddie stares at your locker as though in a trance. He fishes the note from his pocket and simply clutches it in his fist, mind racing.

Can I? Should I? If she’s disgusted she won’t know it’s me. No. No. Maybe I shouldn’t. Bad idea. BAD. Or maybe…I should…

“Whatcha got there, freak?”

A beefy arm shoves him violently from behind, knocking him to the ground. His fingers automatically close around the note, instant panic setting all his nerve endings on fire.

No. Oh God, no. 

He quickly tries to haul himself back to his feet, but he’s outnumbered. Two jocks pin him to the ground by his arms, thwarting any desperate punches he might have swung. A third yanks the note from his hand, smoothing out the meticulously-folded paper he’d poured his soul onto. 

There’s a roaring in his ears, but it’s not enough to completely drown out the bell ringing in the distance. Then the student voices start floating down the hallway, alerting Eddie to the fact that, not only is he about to suffer greatly at the hands of these meatheads, but he’s unfortunately also going to have an audience when it happens.

The third jock holding the note reads it silently, a slow, evil grin splitting across his face. He starts howling with laughter. “Shit, Munson! I mean, I figured you’d be desperate for pussy, but this? This is a whole new level of pathetic.”

“Give it back!” Eddie snarls, desperately trying to free himself. 

The third jock doubles over, cackling, then reads aloud in a nasally, mocking voice, “I have dreams about you…”

One of the goons pinning Eddie down snorts, and loosens his grip. “Hold up, I wanna read it —” 

Eddie, sensing his chance, breaks out of their grasp, and makes a move to snatch his note back. Before he can, the third jock crumples it into a ball and tosses it over his head to one of his friends; Eddie makes a wild grab for it, and misses.

High school students start to trickle in, drawn to a fight like flies to honey, crowding at the edges of the scene. 

The four boys play a game of Eddie-in-the-middle, the onlookers puzzled but intrigued, watching the mysterious paper whiz back and forth through the air. Growing angrier by the second, fed up with the childish antics, Eddie finally stops trying to catch the note. Instead, he cocks his fist back and lets it smash into the third jock’s nose.

There’s a collective “oooh!” from the mass of students. Eddie and the jock scuffle, both now determined to fuck the other one up as badly as possible. One goon steps in to help his friend, while the other scoops the wadded-up paper off the floor, so he can finally skim the content of Eddie’s heart for himself.

And then suddenly, the most devastating thing of all: the asshole is hollering your name over the din.

For the first time ever, Eddie finds himself hoping that the bully he’s fighting actually kills him. Because death would be better than this.

“Where’s she at? She’s gotta hear this — hey, guess what! The freak is in love with you!”

Eddie wheels around in horror. The other goon grabs him from behind, rendering him motionless again, but it barely registers. The crowd has parted like the Red Sea, everyone stepping aside to make a clear path for you to walk through. You approach nervously, looking completely bewildered as to why you’re being summoned. Eddie wishes that the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

The goon thrusts the paper out to you. “Looks like you’ve got a secret admirer,” he sneers.

“More like a stalker,” the third jock interjects, voice thick from his swollen nose. He steps in front of Eddie and gives him a bloody smile, flexing his hand menacingly. “Hold his face steady for me, would ya?”

“Stop it!” you shriek suddenly, snatching the paper without bothering to look at it. “You’re such assholes!”

“That’s ENOUGH!”

Principal Higgins has finally decided to do his job, it seems. He marches through the crowd — “Get to class, all of you!” — and pulls the two boys apart. 

“My office. Now.”

He corrals the four boys down the hallway, towards the office, as the other students scatter about, flushed with excitement. None of them cast a backwards glance at you, head bent, reading the crumpled note with a furrowed brow.

~

An hour later and Eddie’s finally trudging his way through the parking lot.

He’s been sentenced to three days’ suspension. The guy he clocked made it out with one after-school detention, which he’ll most likely get out of due to basketball obligations, and the other two got off scot-free. Principal Higgins’s reasoning was that Eddie, because he’s the only one who did any ‘real’ damage, should get the worst punishment.

Sure, he threw the hardest punch. But the idea that any of those three are suffering worse than he is right now is downright laughable.

The hot, bitter embarrassment of it all is making his skin itch. There’s a lump in his throat; he can feel the start of angry tears prickling in his eyes. He sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down before he starts driving — the last thing he needs right now is an excuse for one of Hawkins’ finest to pull him over. God knows how much they love doing that.

“Eddie!”

He doesn’t turn around, rage and shame making him want to disappear. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now, or ever again, probably.

“Eddie! Wait!” 

A light hand caresses his back, then curls around his bicep. He whips around, already on the defensive; you flinch backwards at his aggressive stance.

As soon as he sees that it’s you, all the tension in his body dissipates. His eyes widen and his lips part in shock; his skin becomes dead-white, then bright red in the span of about four seconds.

“I’m sorry,” the words tumble out of his mouth. “For the note — for everything. You weren’t supposed to know it was me.” He stares down at his feet, unable to look at you. 

“Did you really mean it? All that stuff you said?”

Eddie shifts his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. “Well…yeah.” He rubs his clammy forehead with his hand in distress, heart rate spiking again. “I’m sorry, you probably think I’m the biggest fucking creep, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to give it to you —”

“I don’t think you’re a creep.”

Eddie falls silent. His eyes finally flit up to meet yours, and he’s surprised to find that you don’t look…angry. Or repulsed, or even annoyed. Your gaze is soft, the corners of your mouth pulled slightly down in a worried frown. You look concerned. 

Is that for him?

“You swear you weren’t playing a joke on me?” you ask.

Eddie starts, taken aback. “Of course not. I wouldn’t do something like that to you, ever. Or anyone else, for that matter.”

You nod slowly, seeming to believe him. You swing your backpack off your shoulder so you can unzip the front pocket, and pull the dreaded love note from inside. Eyes roaming the paper once more, a small smile appears on your lips. “This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.” Then your expression turns more serious, and there’s a slight tremble in your voice. “And I’m so sorry that those jerks did that to you. That was terrible. But you don’t have to be embarrassed about me reading it. I love the note. Thank you for writing it.”

He can scarcely believe this conversation is happening. He’s thought about you standing in front of him like this for years — imagined what it would be like to have you look at him and really see him, the way you do right now. Now that he’s living it, it’s almost too much for him to handle.

You hesitate, like you’re unsure of what to say next. “Um, to be honest, I didn’t think you even knew who I was.”

“How could I not?” he says dazedly. The notion that he might not know who you are is absurd to him.

You shyly avert your eyes, like you’re overwhelmed by the praise. Pressing on, you tell him, “You did get one thing wrong, though.”

Eddie cocks his head to the side, waiting for you to elaborate.

“I’m not perfect — certainly not too perfect for you to come and talk to, or — or ask out. I think you’re a good guy.”

Is there air left in his lungs? It doesn’t feel like it. “Oh,” he manages faintly. He’s too scared to say anything else, that a single incorrect word will break this spell.

You give him a gentle smile. “So…are you busy right now?”

Eddie hides his shaking hand behind his back, blushing furiously. “No, I’m not busy right now. Actually, um, I’m not even allowed back here for the next three days, so…yeah, I’m — I’m pretty open.”

You nudge his arm playfully. “Do you wanna go do something?”

Even through his leather jacket the contact makes his skin tingle. “Yes!” he practically shouts, then lowers his volume. “Sorry. I mean, you read my note. So you understand that this is kind of a big deal for me.”

You laugh, and not unkindly. 

“Well, let’s get going then. We have a lot of time to make up for.”

thank you for reading!! xoxo Valentine's Day Special Masterlist

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson reader insert #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson comfort #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #we're an hour late! sorry bout that

[timevir]

2024 - A New Timevir

This post contains some words about the loss of death.

Writing is a very fun hobby that I've done for as long as I can remember. It probably started as written exercises and fanfiction during childhood. It transformed into intricate worldbuilding as I was introduced to the hobby of tabletop roleplaying. In recent years, I've written interactive fiction, scripts, novels and sourcebooks.

But one constant caveat is that I almost never shared my work. It was an enjoyable process to convert thoughts and feelings into substantative manifestations in the physical realm. Yet despite many coworkers, friends and family members asking about them, I'd always give the same answer of "it's personal and not worth sharing".

I thought about why I was doing this, and noticed I have been living the life of an observer. I enjoy the detail of the world around me, and paying attention to things that others would consider irrelevant. I would even deliberately put myself out of my comfort zone if it meant putting myself in a location that I could see something new. If there was an interesting protest in the city I was living in, if there was a strange, dangerous event occurring in the vicinity or if there was an unusual experience or location to be discovered, I'd happily waltz in and act like that I was meant to be there. During the riskier parts of youth, it even meant a bit of trespassing, but I stopped doing that after a few dangerous close calls.

What I was not doing as an observer was manifesting that in the world. Many of my projects would be built, some even to completion, and then they'd sit in a box, frozen and inaccessible through their obscurity. Nothing I made ever felt like it was deserved observation compared to the rich tapestry of the world around me. Even in the rare moments I found pride in something, it would soon feel obsolete compared to some next logical alternative.

A lot of my life has been spent on "the grind". Work had seemingly crept its way into absorbing the free energy I had in an addictive loop. At first, it was merely a way of ensuring survival and trying to get out of school debt. It took the majority of my late 20s to get out of school debt, a feat I was able to just reach before my 30th birthday. A few more months, and I had a decent emergency fund and a "real" disposable income, assuming I wasn't going to try and buy a house (which to be honest, isn't an exciting proposition at the moment. Real estate trends caused by high demand have made housing costs extortionate, but that's a discussion for another time).

Work is of course necessary for human survival. Indeed, if we took a snapshot of lives lead across history, nearly everyone has had to contribute in some way to their communities for them to function well. The meaning of work has shifted through the various periods of history significantly, but its goals have remained the same. What is implictly understood, even if not necessarily well recorded, is that there was a whole tapestry of living that existed outside of these actions that could mean vastly more to the people that lived around them. While much of these ideas have persisted through the passing of cultural works, very rarely have we got a good snapshot of the life of any specific individual, even if they potentially had amazing tales to tell.

Identity has slipped through my fingers somewhat accidentally. It had felt much easier to sacrifice every bit of effort to accumulate knowledge, resources and a position of comfort than it took to stand for anything. At first I may have resisted the ideas of exaggerating an accomplishment, or cutting on the quality of a product to create it faster, but those values became too easy to discard when reward was on the table. But if anyone were to ask me about the morals of the situation from the outside, I'd remark a half-mealed "it depends" which really meant nothing beyond the acknowledgement strong values had merit and self-interest could get in the way.

It seemed like the intelligent thing to do because the things that were remembered across time were great accomplishments, long standing monuments and the best and worst of events moulding humanity's timeline. It was easy to mistake what was memorialized for what was important in life. It then followed that if memorialization was an ultimate goal, that the best way to do so was to accomplish some great feat was to set yourself up with as much power as could be wielded, a good proxy for which was money, before putting all that strength into ventures in the hope that something would hit and a legend would be born.

It is possible I could have remained trapped in that vicious craving for objectives if it wasn't for a life shattering event at the end of 2023. It was at this time that my younger brother died unexpectedly in his mid twenties. A whole life was potentially ahead of him, but it was cut short at almost no notice. My relatively normal family crumbled into chaos and it was shattered.

In the emotional fallout, I looked again at what I had done. Of course I did not regret unburdening myself from debt, or succeeding at a career. But in all the push for an abstract notion of success and legend, I had lost an invaluable voice that could never be replicated. My brother had lived his life to his fullest in his time on Earth. He had moved country, he had found love and friendship, and he had ideas of a future. Seeing these wither into tears, memories, and finally a grave, made me realise in the end that a memorial would not make up for the moments that would never be had again.

My new year's resolution for 2024 is to try to reestablish a voice. To truly live in the world and not merely plan a story for my death. To make sure that my friendships and bonds remain strong and not let them disappear due to the inconvenience of maintenance. To stand for something and not just exist in the pursuit of convenience.

One way I am going to test myself on this goal is to try to make sure I write something down each week. Something public. It won't necessarily be something profound, but at least it may prevent me from slipping back into forgetting about the things that really matter. Perhaps it is better to exist in the world than merely drift through it.

#new year #new year resolutions #grief

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: A Tidy Ending by Joanna Cannon

I am a big fan of Joanna Cannon and she’s one of my favourite authors for profound, honest and beautifully written depictions of the human condition. She also treats her readers to a mystery and I couldn’t wait to unravel this one through a unique, compulsive character.

Linda fled her childhood home in Wales with her mother years ago and she now lives a quiet life with her husband Terry. Bored with her simple life, Linda starts to fantasise about the glamorous life that the house’s previous occupant Rebecca must live, according to the glossy magazines that still get posted through the door. Maybe if she could find Rebecca and make friends with her, that lavish lifestyle could become hers and she could distract herself from the fact that Terry has started working strange hours at exactly the same time that local young women are going missing. But is Linda really cut out to be like Rebecca and can any secret stay buried forever?

Cannon is so good at writing mundane, relatable scenes and musings on what normal life really is. Linda’s life is very pedestrian and she knows it. It’s easy to see how she could long for something different and a bit more excitement. The local murders add that and much like many of her neighbours, Linda becomes thoroughly enthralled with the investigation.

Terry didn’t make much of an impression on me at first. He is a quiet, ordinary man and even Linda doesn’t seem to take much notice of him. Their marriage is very much a typical long-term one. While she clearly gets frustrated with him very easily, there is definitely a fondness there. Many readers will see either their own relationship or a couple that they know in Linda and Terry.

Linda’s mother is a prominent character, who will definitely remind you of an older woman in your own life. She and Linda enjoy a close relationship, although it does have a bit of spikiness to it, which I think is down to both of their eccentric personalities. They’ve been through a lot together and I couldn’t shake the feeling that Linda’s mother knew a lot more than she ever said.

Rebecca Finch seems to live a life that is worlds away from Linda’s. She has expensive tastes and a passion for looking good -a persona that Linda apparently has buried inside herself. While I laughed at several of Linda’s comments on changing herself into Rebecca, I found myself getting concerned for her. Linda has a vulnerability and I really wasn’t sure how things were going to play out for her, as she embarked on her crazy quest to befriend the woman she wanted to emulate.

Joanna Cannon is excellent at observing and analysing human behaviour and society. Through Linda’s thought patterns, I questioned and reflected on things I already knew but that I perhaps didn’t realise I knew. It was such a therapeutic, affirming experience and I found so much truth in these lovely, honest revelations. An excellent accompaniment to a mystery that just kept unravelling!

A Tidy Ending is a compelling read with a relatable, very likeable heroine. I thought I had everything figured out (and apparently the characters did too!) and then a twist smacked me in the face out of nowhere in the very last chapter. My jaw definitely hit the floor and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t even had a suspicion of the truth. Full of humour, heart and clever plotting that kept me on my toes, Joanna Cannon has written another fantastic novel that I genuinely struggled to tear myself away from.

#a tidy ending #joanna cannon #contemporary fiction #mystery #book review #review #books #bookworm

[foolishle]

Obsessed with this Baking Reality Show/Pride and Prejudice Destiel AU. It's like the peanut butter whiskey I have. It feels like it shouldn't work, but then you get a taste and it's almost offensively amazing and becomes all you can think about.

I love AUs. For SPN I read exclusively AUs because my familiarity with the source material is... close to zero? I watched like four or five episodes from somewhere in the middle.

And I love modern adaptions of Pride and Prejudice. I love discovering how the author updates the events and tackles the themes.

So these are things Iike? But I wouldn't have thought they'd... meld well? But they so do.

Making a modern adaption of Jane Austen is hard because in the modern day it's hard to justify why the characters would end up in the social situations they end up in. Setting the story on a reality show seems to work well for keeping the characters around each other and limiting their choices about who to socialise with. It's following P&P canon much more closely than I would have thought it could and I'm finding myself thinking "oh how will they do...? Oh! Of course! Perfect!"

It's not flawless--in some places the dedication to including Austen's dialogue feels clunky and out of place. In some cases it works beautifully but I think it's slightly overdone.

But where it works? Fucking incredible.

She makes a happy noise at having, finally, pulled an agreement from him, shares a pleased look with Mrs Hurst, and asks, “did you see the car he showed up in?” Meg’s smoke-rough voice is loud in the quiet of the room uncaring that she might be overheard by the subject of her observations.

“I don’t know how anyone could miss it,” Hester replies quickly, “covered in all that mud and dirt? Such a nasty loud old thing; I’d be ashamed to arrive anywhere in such a contraption aside from a scrap yard perhaps.” The sisters dissolve into fits of laughter and even Mr Hurst manages to summon a derisive snort. Castiel, however, remains stoically unmoved by the joke, to Meg’s disappointment.

The main criticism I have as far as the writing goes is the headhopping. While most of it is set 3rd person close on Dean, the Author's dedication to following the events and conversations of the novel means we headhop to Castiel, often mid-scene as Dean leaves the room. I think that the author probably should have gone with 3rd person omniscient, as the original does, or just stuck with 3rd person close on dean the whole time and sacrificing those scenes that aren't from Dean's POV.

But, to be honest, I'm too attached to Pride and Prejudice to really complain and some of my favourite exchanges are those where Dean isn't present.

I haven't finished the story yet--I've just gotten up to The First Proposal. I find that Modern Pride and Prejudice adaptions almost always let me down with Lydia's Fall and make Darcy into a white night who just wants Lizzy to be happy by solving a problem she has, instead of him realising how his past errors have contributed to Lydia's situation and trying to make up for that (and also hoping that it will ease Lizzy's suffering).

But the way that Wickham has been handled in the story so far makes me pretty confident that Castiel/Darcy will be making efforts to redeem himself by taking responsibility for his mistakes, rather than just using his power and influence to fix Dean's life.

Like I said earlier, my familiarity with SPN Canon is extremely limited, and while deeper knowledge of the characters would probably add to enjoyment of the story, it's not at all required IMHO. My familiarity with almost all of the side characters comes purely from other SPN AU fics. So I'm basically recommending this more to people who like modern P&P adaptions, than to people who like Destiel AUs.

#destiel #supernatural #pride and prejudice #fanfiction

[totalkpoptrash]

Get To Know Me Tag

    I was tagged a while ago by @awkwardlyjin !!! Thank you for the tag sorry it took me so long I’ve been so busy!

Name: Melissa

Nicknames: Hoboy let’s start this I have a million. My husband calls me Cabbage (I’m married, it’s a thing haha) and he calls me sauerkraut when I’m grumpy XD (Get it, because sauerkraut is pickled cabbage... okay lol it’s stupid :3)He also calls me Bug. My main nickname that my friends call me is Missa, because I always hated being called Missy growing up and liked Missa instead. My mom calls me Boo Boo or Sissy most of the time, or Melsiemae, which is a mash up of my first and middle names. My dad calls me Scooter Bird or Scooter. One of my brothers occasionally calls me Cheese Head, Walrus Head, or Stinkerbell when he’s using childhood nicknames that he used to use to pick on me. My foster brother ALWAYS calls me Little One. My aunt only refers to me as Miss Melissa. She never says my name without the Miss before it haha. In high school a lot of people called me Panda. I go by Axiss on a lot of forums and stuff like Steam and Skype and in games with friends etc. I have two very close friends that started calling me Melrose about 5 years ago and they still call me that lol. Some people also call me Mel. But for the most part, Missa is the easiest way to get me to respond to you hahaha.

Gender: Female

Star Sign: Pisces

Height: 5'2

Sexual Orientation: Basically pansexual. I’m not as worried about gender or identity as long as there is attraction. 

Hogwarts House: Gryffindor!

Favorite Color: Green, black, silver (All slytherin colors ahaha) purples and bright purples, really saturated blues.

Favorite Animal: Dogs, wolves, snakes and horses oh and rats!

Time Right Now: 11:21 PM

Average Hours of Sleep: Uhhh.... maximum of like...5 on a night that I sleep a lot >.>

Cat or Dog Person: Dog

Favorite Fictional Character: Oh how do I even begin to answer this?!?!?! So many! But for the sake of being lazy I’ll say... Probably Darth Vader. He’s so cool XD

Dream Trip: I would love to go to somewhere overseas like Germany or Japan, any kind of new culture and experiences are always great. I have a lot of heritage in Germany so that would be cool. But I’d be super happy also to go back to Disneyland. Yes I’m in my late 20s and Disneyland is still my favorite place. Deal with it >.<

When Was This Blog Created: Uhhh.... a few months ago. I think like... September? October? I can’t remember lol.

When did your blog reach its peak: I don’t think it has yet. I only have like 60 followers but that’s okay :3

What Made You Decide to Make a Tumblr: I didn’t want to flood my other blog with kpop when I mostly posted stuff about bone collecting and art and whatever music I was into at the time and just random stuff, so I made this blog instead and kind of abandoned my old one... @miss-wicked if anyone wanted to check that one out lol. (Warning, some NSFW stuff there on occasion)

How Old Are You: 27

What Are You Talented At: Music! I have always had good rhythm and I was in choir all my life and I can read music and time signatures and stuff. I used to play guitar a little (not very well) but I had to pawn my guitar for gas money to move across the country in 2015 and never got a new one. I also think I’m really good at my job but circumstances are a little garbage at the place I’m working right now with my management team so it’s been really frustrating.

What Is A Big Goal You Are Working Towards: Getting myself back into a supervisor position at work and shoving my foot in stupid manager’s faces. Getting back into art, because it makes me happy. Losing some weight/being more active and eating a little better in general because that also makes me feel better about myself.

What’s your aesthetic: Roaring bonfires, the energy of a crowd at a concert, the Olympic national rain forest. Laying on a trampoline in the middle of the night in the summer with friends. Stacks of novels that have been read over and over and show wear on the bindings. Socks with little holes in the toes. Fingerless gloves and to go cups. Standing at a bus stop early in the morning and dancing alone on the side of the highway. Walking the dog at 3AM when the world can’t see me dancing to the songs that mend the holes in my heart. Cigarette smoke trailing up into the air over a group of people who share a common bond. (I’m gonna try to quit that this year, universe save me from myself) Angry tears that come with lyrics that speak to my soul. Late night chats with global friends. Tumblr. (I’m pretty sure I just summed myself up haha)

Do you collect anything: bones from animals who have died of natural causes, Warhammer 40k models (nerd alert), stuffed animals! Star wars stuff, comic books stuff.

What is a topic you always talk about: Kpop haha, and kdramas, but really just music in general. I will never shut up about music. I talk about my job a lot too, and lately it’s complaining more than talking haha. Scientific advances that I think are really cool. Robotics. Legends and folklore.

What is a pet peeve of yours: Leaving jelly/jam on the counter instead of wiping it up if someone spills it! Being called Missy.

Good Advice: Life moves forward one day at a time, try to move with it instead of clinging to the problems of the past. Things have a way of working out, maybe not always for the best. the thing that seems like an impossible crisis today will find a way to resolution, even if it isn’t exactly what you hope for. Try to make the most of whatever may be, and do what you can to help things work out for the best.

Recommend three songs: 

Dreams by Rogue. This song is something beautiful to me. I really enjoy a lot of techno/industrial/dubstep stuff and this is one of my favorites. The lyrics are simple but meaningful. I really enjoy the vocals. One of my faves for sure.

The Evil in Me by Combichrist. This song is really slow and sort of dark feeling? I love this band so much and I even got to meet them and hang out with them a few years ago. The vocalist, Andy, has a really pleasant voice and accent, and the lyrics of this one are also interesting to me.  

“Nothing really matters here We're dying by default, You're searching for serenity, You're to late.

Cause there is nothing left In the nether world, Another world is rising, And we're doomed to face our faith.”  I always just thought it was an interesting song and I love the way it sounds.

Honeybee by Steam Powered Giraffe. These guys are pretty awesome (Okay guys and girl, The main vocalist, Rabbit with the goggles on his hat is trans and she goes by Bunny now) and I have a fondness for this song because it was the first song I heard from them, and also because my name means Honey Bee in Greek XD I wanted to give some non kpop suggestions and all of these songs are also not pop or mainstream stuff! I hope people will give them a listen to get a taste for some new music! I figured if I posted kpop songs everyone would already know them hahahaha.  Thanks again for the tag! I’ll just tag anyone who wants to do it since I’m not sure who has already lol.

#me #personal #tags #get to know me #I'm always spewing words haha #i could write novels of honest observations about myself #not kpop #kind of kpop

[messers-moony]

Serene 2 | F.H

Paring: Five Hargreeves X Fem!Reader

Summary: Five’s wife has a room in their apartment for her own safe keeping. But Diego’s daughter accidentally reveals her biggest secret.

“ Life just keeps getting worse, I suppose. I can't even date these because the days pass, and I don’t know what day it is. I think we’re only a month in. I’ve started to speak to Five more. He was flabbergasted when he heard my voice for the first time, but the smile on his face was hard to miss.

I feel bad for him. I watched him grieve for his siblings in silence. He talks the world of them. It’s somewhat cute to see how passionate he gets when he speaks of Vanya and Klaus. It seems that they had a special place in his heart.

The green color in his eyes seems to glitter more. Sometimes it’s from the lingering water residing or the passion that just rolls off his tongue in such a satisfying way. He’s a beautiful being, truly. I feel so happy I got stuck with him despite how different we are.

My voice was hoarse after not talking for a month. I was surprised it even worked, to be honest. I could feel every word I wanted to say on the tip of my tongue. There was so much I wanted to say– so much I needed to say, but I just couldn’t.

It was like my head was overflowing with overwhelming emotion. Five is delicate and ill-tempered. I don’t want to anger him. He seems so fired up nowadays. The last thing I want is to add fuel. Especially now. “

“ I like to think it’s about six months in. I could be entirely off. It’s about autumn now. What’s left of the leaves of the trees are changing color. It’s magnificent. Five smiles more. Perhaps it’s because I speak now. Regardless, he’s not as fired up anymore. He’s calm and patient.

He understands that I dislike conflict. I caught him looking through a broken-down library the other day. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but he seemed so calm and content. He was just sitting on the floor, crisscross, breathing. That’s it. He just lived for a long while.

Maybe he was treasuring the fact he could still breathe. Possibly he was calming himself down before reaching our tiny settlement. He never looks that content unless he’s asleep, but I don’t ever get to see him sleep. He refuses to let himself relax unless I’m sleeping myself.

Five’s strategic, but he does this as a sense of protection. He doesn’t ease up until he knows I’m safe and calm. It’s a way of affection that he gives without saying the words ‘I care about you’. It’s always little things with Five. I wouldn’t say he likes me or has a crush on me. But I’d say he’s very patient with me.

Right now, life isn’t as bad. “

“ A whole year has gone by. That much I know because it’s winter again. Five and I are now fourteen. Nothing has changed between us. We’re still cordial with each other. He’s talked so much about his past, about his training, siblings, and family.

I think it comforts him to talk about himself or what remains of himself. He speaks of his goals and aspirations, which I nod along to. He tells me I’m a good listener, but I’ve only grown up to be a listener. He doesn’t know that, of course. I listen, I observe, and I report. That’s what my life was like. Talking wasn’t in the picture. “

“ I don’t know how much time has passed. I’ve lost count of the number of seasons, but I feel about twenty. Five shows more interest in me. More curiosity than before. He’s sweet. The other day he found a book that he gifted to me.

I found an envelope to put these parchments inside when we time travel back. I’d like to keep these for him and me. Maybe give them to him eventually. I finally told him of my past: the abuse, the quietness, loneliness, and hurt. Five understood more than anyone. He’s been through it.

Despite knowing my past, he still wants to be here. I talk more to him. He let me know how grateful he was for it. He said he loves my voice and the way my words roll of my tongue. Sometimes at night, he just asks me to speak. Nothing in particular, just chatting.

He especially likes when I read to him. His sister Vanya wrote an autobiography, and he let me read it to him. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable before. He cried in my arms for hours when I read. He crumbled everything down and let me in. It was the best feeling I could ever have. “

“ This may sound cliché, but I think Five likes me or has a crush on me. His cheeks get a tinge of pink now despite the springtime. I feel something for him, but I can’t decide what it is just yet, but it’s something. He’s a sweetheart.

I began writing my first draft of a novel. I don’t think I’m going to tell him about it. I prefer to keep this private, primarily since it’s based on my life. I want Five to be a part of my life. The other day I was exploring. I found people, and it hurt. I saw a little kid. I don’t know their name, but she was adorable. Maybe around the age of four.

For the first time in a while, I allowed myself to cry. I was alone. This little girl was so pure, so innocent. She didn’t deserve this. Five got hurt yesterday. It took all my strength to heal him. I haven’t used my healing powers in years, I believe.

It doesn’t really affect me much. It just drains me. Five wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t tell him that I had them or how I ended up in the apocalypse. It was a scary injury. He got slashed across the stomach with a metal object.

I collapsed on him. “

#five hargreeves x y/n #five fluff #five fanfiction #five x y/n #five hargreeves fluff #five hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves #five x reader #number five x reader #number five #number five x y/n #number five x you #five Hargreeves x you #tua au #tua five #tua x reader #tua fanfic #tua #the umbrella academy #the sparrow academy

[defdaily]

Arena Homme+ Magazine September 2021 issue featuring JAY B: Nature, Dreams and Music

Translated by defdaily.

That day, JAY B’s world was filled with grass that came up to his knees, sunset that briefly peeked through the dark clouds, and ghosts of the silent campsite. Insects flew about in the intimate conversation of creation, dreams, and the future. An interview with JAY B amidst the passing seasons.

So you are working on an album?

The album is almost finished. I couldn’t release it at the beginning of the year, so I’m releasing it now in the second half of the year. I’m thinking of preparing things early on for next time so [we] are preparing for the production of another album.

There was a big change this year, you moved from JYP Entertainment to H1GHR MUSIC, right? What did you expect before becoming a part of H1GHR MUSIC?

At first I was worried. and was concerned over what to do if I couldn’t adapt. My goal for this year was to adapt to the agency and its artists, but everyone has made me feel comfortable. I thought I would have to do a lot of adjusting to the new agency staff, but I was surprised by how understanding they were of the system I had experienced. The way there has been no problem in our communication has far exceeded my expectations. Things are flowing smoothly.

It must feel like a fresh start. You must be looking forward to getting to do what you couldn’t do previously, but on the other side you must also have hopes to learn more. Is there anyone that could provide you with blunt advice?

I’m not the demanding type. And I have never strongly demanded anything from the company either. But that doesn’t mean I accept anything the company makes and provides me. The difference is that my opinion is reflected in my work more than before. If I was going to lead everything at work, there would have been no need to join an agency. Joining the agency means communicating with their staff. I also think we should listen to other people's opinions a lot. And you have to give feedback too, of course. I am working well with the company. Be it a push or advice as help, I learnt a lot from my previous company. Since I have learnt a lot from there, I should trust myself a little more now. I try to relay what I know and learn about things I’m not knowledgeable of. I rely on Jay Bum hyung a lot. I contact him right away when there’s something I don’t know, and we have a lot of conversations.

Is it important that an artist is stubborn? Do you feel the need to emphasise your own music and personality?

Artists have different personalities, just as people have different preferences. I don't want to diss an artist who is stubborn, nor do I want to tell anyone who isn’t stubborn that they are not an artist. I acknowledge everyone. I, personally, want to express the way I live. I like making music. An artist should be clear about what they want to do. Whether it be to become a star, or to express themselves through music or to earn money, it has to be clear.

What is your clear stance as an artist?

Whether it’s fiction or reality, I want to make stories. I’m the type that wants to tell a story. It was like that too in my GOT7 days. I believe one should create and establish their own path in life. I think that's fun. It's hard, but it's worth it. It adds more meaning to my job and I think it becomes more valuable. If I didn't do it myself, I would feel less attached to it.

There’s nothing more fun than one’s own work. Showing your work and waiting for the response must also be thrilling.

Exactly. I love hearing that my music is good. I’m very shy so I cannot express it very well but I’m very thankful and proud too. And it reassures me that I’m not going down the wrong path.

It does feel like all the hard times disappear when you hear good feedback. But feedback isn’t always good. There are even people who avoid them because of fear of criticism.

To be honest, when it comes to unpleasant feedback, it kind of makes me feel… “ouch!” But I accept it because it is still an evaluation. It also gives me a boost. It’s fun.

You are a solo artist now. Do you feel a burden or pressure?

I don’t feel pressured, but I do feel the burden. I joined H1GHR MUSIC and I feel a sense of belonging. I gain something from this company, but I think this company should gain something from me, too. I have worries about things like whether I’ll be able to benefit the company or not. I feel slightly uneasy about possibly not meeting expectations too.

You feel a sense of responsibility.

There's always a reason and a purpose to start anything. Everyone starts music because they like it, and if they start, there must be music they want to make. So if there is criticism, one would feel down, but if the final product is good, the people that worked on it would feel good. That’s what I hope for.

You uploaded a bunch of your Def. songs onto your YouTube channel. There was quite a lot. Are you the prolific type?

I used to be but… I guess I’m still the type to make many songs. (Laughs). But compared to back then, my production has decreased a lot. My stamina can’t keep up. (Laughs). I used to be able to start and finish working on a song at dawn and when I felt like I could do more, I made more. Nowadays, even when I’m working on only one song, not only is it hard for my body, but I also feel drained so I can’t make many songs.

Isn’t it really fast to make even one song at dawn?

Ah, that’s true. I used to work like that three or four times a week, but now I work once or twice a week. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm the prolific type anymore.

Being able to make a lot of things means you have a lot of ideas.

Having run out of ideas is also a reason for having less work done. There are five mixtapes I’ve uploaded onto YouTube with four to five tracks each. At the time, I not only worked on those but music for GOT7 too. After hustling so hard, I feel like I’ve run out of material. I look around wondering where to find inspiration. When I finish making the melody and want to write lyrics, I feel lost.

In order to be prepared for those situations, creators keep a collection of material. How do you collect resources?

I often read or use my imagination. These days, I often put myself in others’ shoes. When watching a movie, one would empathize with the protagonist. It’s only natural since the plot revolves around them. But I would pay attention to the supporting roles or passerbys in the background and think about the story from their point of view. I would think about what I would do if I heard those words and if I were in that situation. I also pay close attention to any words that might be a good source of inspiration. In the past I would focus on how the plot developed, but now I look at the words that the author uses repeatedly. When I think of any useful words or ideas, I jot them down.

Observing the supporting roles instead of the central narrative is such a novel idea.

I suddenly thought of it while watching a movie at home. The protagonist had said some harsh and rude words to a supporting role. It was something like “Get out of my way.” I thought “How would it have felt to be the one moving out of their way? What would they feel?” These were the thoughts I had.

Has anyone told you that you have a unique perspective?

I’ve often heard that my personality is very unique.

People can say they don’t like something despite others saying they like it. That could come off as unique and fresh ideas come from an uncommon perspective too.

I think it’s 50/50. There are times when something might not feel like much for me while others like it, and times when everyone else seems quite indifferent while I like it. A song I recently liked the idea of is “Smile, Wait for the Flash” by Giriboy where he used the ‘kacha’ shutter sound as gunfire. Using ‘kacha’ like a gunfire as a metaphor for wrapping up your feelings after a breakup was a refreshing idea. It was great.

Do you also often use your instincts?

I try hard to. I don’t naturally use my instincts, but I try to look at things through a different lens. I tend to have random thoughts, and I had one today during the shoot too. This is a camping site, but there was no one camping. So I imagined how it would look when full of people moving about. Also during the shoot, there was a long blade of grass under my feet on a field of grass. I should have avoided it but I accidentally stepped on it. I felt sorry for the grass that got stepped on and out of instinct I said “sorry…”

Seems like you have keen sensibility.

I wish I could be sensible. I’m too cautious to say that I am sensible, though.

I think you would be considered a sensible person because you make music. But I noticed that the comments are disabled for Def.’s mixtapes on YouTube.

The songs that I make under “Def.” are 100% music that I personally wanted to make. I didn’t want to receive feedback, so I disabled the comments. If I release an album under “Def.” in the future, I probably won't be able to disable the comments. I don’t know. The reason I have disabled the comments is because I don’t want to see any praise nor criticism. I don’t look at the comments for my SoundCloud tracks either. Because they’re very personal projects, I’m worried I could be swayed by it so I don’t look at it on purpose. I don’t want to be swayed by anything when it comes to my personal projects. I guess that’s my way of being stubborn.

So it sounds like you’re saying the songs that are made under the name Def. are like a part of you. I can feel your sincerity towards your music.

I would pretend to be indifferent to evaluations, but I’m really scared of receiving negative comments. Not the criticism but I’m scared to look at comments that decide something as ‘not good.’ If they say that it’s not their style, then it’s just personal preference. There may not be songs that match their preference within my discography. But it’s difficult for me to hear people say ‘this is not good, bad, or meh.’ After all, those songs came from me and are like my children.

I remember many tracks with gentle melodies and discovered JAY B’s delicate side. Is this surprising to hear?

This is the first time I’ve been called delicate. I do have several sensitive/vibey songs. I want to try something like a pop, hip-hop, or smug and cocky vibe but I’m not good at that. I don’t think it’s my personality.

What is considered a good melody to you?

Something that feels good at the first listen. My music taste has been so diverse recently that even when I talk to my friends about music, the songs that we all like are different. It’s hard to reach a consensus. In the creator’s perspective, even if something doesn’t sound good to others but it does to the creator, I consider that to be a good melody. I used to stress over how to write a good melody, how to sing it, and if the company would like it. As I move on step by step, I found a standard where at least the melody should sound good enough to me to not abandon the song since everyone has different preferences.

Personal preferences are important but it must be an important job to cater to the general public too. No, I mean, a difficult job.

That’s right. I think I still lack the ability to create melodies that the general public would like. I will have to learn step by step. One thing I feel is that there must be a part that sticks. I can’t exactly describe what type of melody it would be, but to set a minimum standard, it would be ‘a melody that I’m satisfied with. If it’s one that I’m not satisfied with but the public likes, I should follow that.

Do you tend to use many tracks when making music? There’s lot of songs these days that use dozens of layers of tracks.

We used a lot of harmonies with GOT7. Because there were so many harmonies, there was a crazy number of tracks too. These days, I try to be minimal and reduce harmonies. I don’t layer many tracks. I usually have the main track with a few harmonies and some adlibs.

K-Pop in particular mixes many genres and harmonies to create complex music. They are very flashy. What do you think of this phenomenon as someone who prefers to be minimal?

I see it as a good thing, because it means that the general public’s preference is expanding to a variety. It’s rather better. Of course, the basics are also important and I do feel the necessity to study them but we also need to agree with change. We should accept change. Who knows, I might grow old to be someone that can’t accept change and wonder, ‘what kind of music is this?’ But I feel that now is a time to open our eyes to change. When I find that a song is difficult to listen to, I will purposely listen to it repeatedly.

It’s been 10 years since you’ve debuted. How much have you changed over these 10 years?

In the past I was ambitious and had high expectations, but now I am more relaxed. With age, I think my sensitive side is becoming more and more dull. When I let go of some desires, I get to be accepting of more things. The scope of my activities also seems to have widened. I used to have a stubborn side to me in the past. Now I’m like ‘don’t expect too much, don’t anticipate too much,’ just do my job diligently!

There are many artists that use other creative hobbies to ease the burdens of their main job. What do you do to cope with your fuel for creativity?

My hobby is photography so I take many photos. I also learned how to draw at one point but nowadays, I don’t have time to draw since I’m busy. I also make records of things often. I write down my thoughts, even useless things. I also use an audio recorder to record my mood, thoughts, and things I’m currently doing. I also write letters to my future self. Things like ‘this is why I’m struggling, this is what would be good for me now but how it would be for my future self?’ Wondering what I will be thinking about and what I would look like. I write letters to myself about stuff like that. I put them in envelopes according to the year and on the envelope I write down the year the letter was written.

So It’s like an archive of your time. Writing, journaling, letters, photos, music, it’s interesting. A very organised way of saving your thoughts to not lose them. Having said that, is there anyone else you would like to show your records to besides your future self?

Ah! I can’t show this to people. They’ll cringe. (Laughs) It’s sort of embarrassing. I can show the photos to everyone but I want to keep voice messages to myself. I hope that when I am older, I can look at them as I laugh and reminisce about my life. They’re records for myself.

Do you also record everyday life in any way?

I record when I find it interesting the way I thought about something. Even looking at my journal from last year or the year before, my thoughts were different from now. I find it intriguing to see the way people can change like this. I think I tend to have many thoughts, so I record them every day.

From the position of a creator, I guess journaling can be seen as an activity to collect one’s senses and emotions to use them as material for inspiration.

That’s right. My brain isn’t good enough for me to remember everything. There are situations when I recall a memory and decide I could write this down.

What was the most fun thing you did lately?

It’s a bit dangerous, but it was when I rode around on my motorcycle with my friend. There was suddenly a heavy downpour. Since I needed to go home, I rode the motorcycle in the rain. I was completely soaked when I got home. The journey home was super difficult, but I was fortunate enough to not have suffered any injuries. It was a completely new experience so it was very fun. I don’t want to experience it again but it felt like an adventure.

Wearing the Burberry 2021 F/W collection in the pictorial today must also be a new experience. Slightly different from the refined and classic Burberry, the collection shows a lot of change. What were your usual thoughts on Burberry?

I thought of it as a clean and straightforward style. Ever since some time, I noticed their young and bold changes. Although today’s outfits contained many new attempts and changes, I felt that their style was still well refined. I felt that Burberry used their own unique perspective to cleanly interpret nature’s elements. Wearing the outfits, I felt like they had a lot of fun ideas.

Which outfit left the biggest impression on you?

Choosing just one is very difficult. There was one that gave off the feel of a medieval knight, and made me feel like a monarch. I’ve heard that in medieval times, people would also wear bearskin from hunting. I think that has some influence on the Burberry outfits that I wore today. Every time I put on an outfit, I always felt like a medieval knight or king. The fur on the clothes had a strong animalistic feel to it. The scenery, weather, and concept were all very harmonious with each other.

Going back to the topic of music, you said that you like to tell stories. Do you also create a universe with music?

Yes, I create a universe for each album. This album creates this universe, while that album creates another. The albums won’t connect to create one universe, though. Each album is its own world, nothing more. I can’t make them magnificently connect into a grand universe. I like to put my story into each album.

Can you use a keyword to describe the universe of the album you are about to release?

It would be “SOMO:FUME.” This is the first album that I made after joining H1GHR MUSIC. This album consists of my energy, feelings, and thoughts, so it contains the meaning of my hopes for people to consume (somo in Korean) this product and and my wishes for my emotions to smear on to you like perfume, which is why I combined [somo] with the [English word] perfume, and named [the album] SOMO:FUME.

In which direction will JAY B’s music flow from now onwards?

I’ve pondered about directionality for a long time, but I couldn’t come up with an answer. The important part is to participate enough for me to not have regrets and be careful. I may disappoint myself if I have too many expectations for the future. I need to work diligently to not be disappointed when I look back; so that in the future, I can see that I worked hard.

Translated by defdaily.

Please support JAY B’s 1st EP album [SOMO:FUME] coming out on August 26 at 6PM KST. jayb1stsoloep.carrd.co

#jaebeom #lim jaebeom #jay b #def. #got7 #got7 jb #interviewtrans #defdaily #defdaily:trans #h1ghrmusic #somofume #style of my own: fume #SOMO:FUME

[missroserose]

Fic Writer Question Meme!

Thanks for the tag, @venhedish—I love stuff like this! I'd apologize in advance for how long this is likely to be, but I suspect we share that tendency, haha.

How many works do you have on AO3?

20 total. I've been publishing there since late 2018, so about three years now. That sounds right for me—I'm way too perfectionist to ever be prolific.

What's your total AO3 word count?

125,744! Apparently it takes me three years to write a novel's worth of words I feel are worth publishing...which also sounds right.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Three, primarily: The Lost Boys, Stranger Things, and Supernatural. Mostly Stranger Things, since I was pretty enmeshed in the Harringrove community for about a year and a half, though these days I'm hanging out more with the SPN crowd. We'll see if that translates to more fics.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1.) Sunflower (524) 2.) Quickly, look away (506) 3.) We'll Become Who We Meant To Be (383) 4.) Too Young To Fall In Love (333) 5.) When the Waters Start to Cross (283)

First, what's not surprising: all are Stranger Things/Harringrove works. I'm a little surprised to see that "Sunflower" had edged out "Quickly" as my most-kudosed story, for years it was the other way around—but maybe that's actually not that surprising—part of the reason I haven't been as active in the fandom is that I really love the darker and more complex renditions of Billy Hargrove's character (a la "Quickly") and since S3 aired it seems like the fashion has moved more towards more lighthearted fluff (a la "Sunflower"). Still, both are pretty undemanding smut, so it makes sense that they're on top; similarly, I'm not surprised to see "Too Young To Fall In Love" in the top five either.

I am a little surprised that "We'll Become Who We Meant To Be" is #3—it's honestly close to genfic, there's only the tiniest moment of hinted-at attraction in there. I'm not mad about it, I honestly feel like it's one of my better efforts; on the other hand, "Wake Me Up" was in a similar vein and it's close to the bottom. I guess there's just no telling what's going to catch on...in fairness, a 25K outsider POV novella is a much bigger ask than a 3K short story.

Honestly, I'm probably most surprised at "When the Waters Start to Cross" cracking the top five—it's a 52K+ WIP and a profoundly complex atmospheric existential horror/romance, which is, like, five strikes against it. I'm not mad about it, though—I love that fic, even if it is a huge time and energy suck, and it definitely contains some of my best writing.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do! Sometimes it takes me a while, but I genuinely appreciate people taking the time to leave feedback (even if it's just a string of emoji!). And every once in a while I'll get really thoughtful or incisive comments that spark whole conversations—that's one of the best reasons to write fic!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm...to be honest, nothing immediately comes to mind; I love angst but tend to want it to serve a purpose, i.e. it gets a character closer to who they want to be. So most of my endings are at least hopeful. *checks list* It looks like probably my angstiest ending is also my first fic posted, "Blue Masquerade". Poor Michael.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've written?

I don't currently write crossovers; I wouldn't rule it out, but frankly I haven't come across an idea that appeals to me. Waaaaaay back in the mists of time I had a Daria/Harry Potter crossover that I was actually pretty proud of, but I got about as far as getting them to Hogwarts and then kinda ran out of ideas, so I never posted it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not that I can think of? I'm not big-time enough to get hate, haha. Worst I ever got was some rando asking for top or bottom tags, which I just ignored, and one person on "We'll Become" who was like "I don't like this pairing but you did a good job", which kinda had me like ??? thanks, I guess? I did get one comment on "Quickly, look away" from someone who felt like it was in a different headspace from the fic I wrote it as a sequel to, but that didn't strike me as hate, it's a perfectly fair observation.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

So first off, yes, and second...I recently came across this great Garth Greenwell quote that really gets at what I'm trying to do when I write smut:

In America in 2019 we are inundated with images of bodies to an absolutely unprecedented degree—images of eroticized bodies, images of sexual bodies; the Internet makes all our fantasies visible, and it trains us in new fantasies. And yet it also seems to me that our culture suffers from a dearth of representations of embodiedness, by which I mean of bodies imbued with consciousness. I’m not at all antiporn, but sometimes pornography (maybe especially Internet pornography, with its arms race of extremity) seems to want to evacuate bodies of personhood, to present them as objects. I think literature is the best technology we have for representing consciousness, and so I think there’s a kind of intervention that literature can perform in representing sex explicitly: it can reclaim the sexual body as a site of consciousness.

"Embodied porn" is probably the best description I can come up with—I love writing sex precisely because it's such a charged form of communication (Greenwell's words again), because there are things a character can do and say in that context that they never would normally. Like, sex acts are great and all, but what really does it for me is what's going on in their head, what's the history that brought the character to this point, how're they handling the inherent vulnerability and intimacy of this incredibly risky but potentially rewarding moment. Kink (whether through roleplaying, props, costumes, or whatever) is really just another way of adding to that personal meaning, since without the characters' reactions any trappings are meaningless.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, although I'd love to work with a translator someday (whether with fic or another context)—I'm fascinated by the inherent puzzles in translating between languages, especially with informal speech and its many idioms and cultural references.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! I'd be open to the idea, but it definitely has to be with the right person...

What's your all time favorite ship?

Isn't that basically like asking a mom to choose her favorite kid? Seriously, I like different things about all of them...which one's getting the most attention depends entirely on mood and headspace and other effectively random variables.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I don't have any I've given up on entirely, yet. Even Waters, as beastly complicated as it is, I've been ruminating on and adding to and arranging in my head lately...

What are your writing strengths?

Atmosphere, character, dialogue. I've said it before, I'm a capital-R Romantic at heart: I love writing settings that reflect and reinforce a character's headspace—while also implying what said character might be missing in their viewpoint.

Something I've noticed—my husband worked for years as a penetration tester, which meant he would regularly have to talk his way past people on a moment's notice. So, unsurprisingly, we both notice people, but he tends to observe their presentation (clothing, accessories, especially ones that're markers of social class and group belonging that allow him to tailor his approach), whereas I notice what they say and how they say it—and, often, what they don't say.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I suddenly feel like I'm in a job interview, haha. Perfectionism is a big one—I have a tendency to feel hopeless and quit if something's taking too long, rather than persisting until I get it sorted, even though some of my best work is stuff where I persisted. Also, I'm big on emotional intensity—which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but I sometimes read back over my stuff and I'm like "geez, Ambrosia, ease up a bit"...I could definitely use some comic relief in my writing sometimes, but I think I'm often too insecure to try it.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't have any in particular—I rarely do it myself, because I don't trust myself to do it properly. (Perfectionism again!)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Daria, way back in the day. My work is still up on FF.net...sometimes I wonder if anyone's ever going to dig it up and confront me with it, haha. (I doubt anyone will ever care that much...I guess I'm more just curious if my style from twenty years ago is recognizably me.)

What's your favorite fic you've written?

If we're talking about finished fics, probably either "Wake Me Up" or "Young At Heart"—they're both pretty oddball, but both required a fuckton of work and both came out pretty close to what I wanted. But "Waters" is my biggest baby...maybe I'll open up Act III to work on today...

Thanks again for the tag, Ven! I'm going to tag @ihni, @redmyeyes, @twobrokenwyngs, @skybound2, @sambrosia, @shewritesdirty, @introvertia, @coffeeandchemicals, and @anarchist-billy—if you're up for some rumination, I'd love to hear your thoughts on your writing!

#author stuff #my writing #fanfic culture #about me #tag games

[mithrilwren]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing, which as of this week is actually accurate, since I’m finally writing again! (or, more specifically, editing what I wrote two months ago so I can get back to writing.)

Tagged by @essektheylyss! Thank you, this is exactly the kind of activity my brain needed tonight.

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

72! I was hovering at 69 for quite a while, sad to break the streak haha

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~550K, which is somehow both more and less than what I expected

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Many, lmao. According to my Ao3 (omitting any blanket tags) I’ve got 22 there, plus at least two more over on ff.net from back in the day, and probably a couple more just on Tumblr. Most of them I’ve only written one fic for, though. I think the only fandoms where I’ve written more than one are Critical Role (35), Supernatural (15), Haikyuu!! (3), The Exorcist (2), Dimension 20 (2), and Yu-Gi-Oh! (2)

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Pick a Number, Any Number

Surprisingly, my number one is NOT a Critical Role fic, nor is it even one of my longer multi-chapters! It’s actually a one-shot I wrote for Haikyuu!! back in the day that took off far beyond what I expected. I wrote it for DaiSuga week, which was a ship I (to be completely honest) wasn’t even terribly invested in, but I had a fun idea and people seemed to like it! (It’s also much fluffier than what I usually write, which might be part of its broader appeal ;))

A Winter’s Ball

Unsurprisingly, the next four are all CR ;). This one was a M9 x VM crossover that I primarily wrote between the hours of 3-8am over the course of two insomnia-wracked nights and honestly, I think it shows in its uncharacteristically unstructured format (compared to my typical style, which tends to favour shorter scenes with very intentionally-placed breaks between, as opposed to scenes that flow into each other without pause). That’s not to say I think it’s a bad thing! The story, which follows Beau as she drifts through a party in Whitestone and observes the interactions between the various guests, actually flows better without that kind of interruption. This was also my first Beaujester piece. I started writing it right before Beau’s confession aired, and published it the week after, which definitely pushed me to make what had been only subtextual in the first half of my draft into the emotional lynchpin of the story.

Only the Nightingale Sings

I’m really glad this one still ranks as high as it does, because this story is absolutely my pride and joy. At one time (though I’m not sure that’s true anymore) it was the longest gen fic in the fandom, which is pretty cool! Plot-heavy, twist-heavy, angst-heavy, with seven points of view to follow and multiple interwoven storylines, it was a beast of a thing to write, and took almost exactly a year to finish, but the long process was oh-so worth it. Literally nothing makes me happier today than seeing a new comment or kudos on this story.

Closer Still

One of my earliest shadowgast fics, this one asks the question “how can you make the ‘stuck in an elevator trope’ fantasy?” The answer is, as always, demiplanes. This fic, perhaps more than any of my other shadowgast fics, is interesting to revisit, because it was written before the ep 97 reveal, but literally everything Essek does in it would suggest otherwise. It reads like I already knew he was a spy working with Trent, and yet I was firmly in the “Essek is NOT the spy” camp at the time. Gotta chalk that up to Matt telegraphing his growing guilt into the preceding episodes - even if I couldn’t see it, it was clearly there.

your dust from mine

My other novel-length CR multichapter, this fic brought me so much joy in the otherwise bleak summer of 2020. Most of my best memories of those four months come from working on this story. A Fjorclay adaption of The Goose Girl (my favourite fairytale) this story is about healing, growth, and figuring out what happiness means to you. While I know most people don’t read stories for this pairing anymore, for obvious reasons, I still cherish your dust from mine for how much of my heart I poured into it, and I look back on it with a huge amount of fondness.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do my absolute best to respond to every comment someone leaves on a story of mine, even if it occasionally takes a month or two. Replying to comments is one of my favourite parts of the fic-writing process - it gives me a chance to revisit peoples’ kind words and (often, incredibly insightful) observations, and I hope it also shows how appreciative I am of each and every one. 

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Though I write a lot of angst, I honestly tend more towards bittersweet endings than straight-up sadness. The only one I can really think of is What You Own - mind the tags if you follow the link, this is definitely one of the gnarlier things I’ve written for CR - whose ending is, admittedly, bleak. But this story so far removed from canon that I don’t think it’s the kind of angsty ending that lingers with you, as much as it packs a punch and then lets you go on your way.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I tend to enjoy thinking about crossovers moreso than actually writing them. I’ve brainstormed a few, but none have ever made it much farther than the first page.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times! Not often, thankfully. Only one time in particular really sticks out to me, mostly for how it rocked my confidence in a way that I don’t think any comment could now, since I’ve had a few more years to build up faith in my own writing.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Very, very occasionally.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not! 

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh man, back in the Glee days... yeah. Yeah, I have. Nothing that ever got published, though ;)

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

Not sure I have one! Ships come and go with the seasons, and sometimes they’re best left in the era you found them.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The Shadowgast figure skating AU. It’s never going to happen, but I wish it had.

15) What are your writing strengths?

I would say probably structure, in terms of constructing narrative arcs and through-lines. I’m organized with my writing in a way that I am in few other areas of my life, haha. I’d also say my sense of place - I think I’m pretty good at constructing living, breathing settings and exploring how my characters interact affect/are affected by them.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to be wordy (which you might surmise from the length of this post, lol) and repeat myself, usually by going over emotional beats that don’t need the extra reinforcement. On the other hand, I tend to underexplain certain elements (particularly, important plot details in fic, and character motivation in original writing), which can lead to confusion.

A couple years ago I would have said dialogue, but I’ve put a lot of practice into it and I honestly think I’ve improved a lot, which is pretty cool!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never done it myself, and it’s not generally my favourite thing to read (like @essektheylyss said, it makes me hyper-aware that I’m reading words on a page, especially if I have to follow a footnote somewhere). That said, I’ve definitely also seen it used effectively, so I think it’s more down to whether it suits the particular story!

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh!

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

As mentioned above, Only the Nightingale Sings.

#tag meme #this took me about an hour and i dont regret a minute of it #personal

[treasureswordsgirl55]

X - Wing

Character: Poe Dameron

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Princess!FemReader.

Inspired by (Song) : Your Love / The Outfield

Warnings: Mentions of Death. Mentions to First Order. Post!TROS. Fluff. Funny.

Author's Note: Ok, here we go again.

This was the 7° fic about Poe that I'd write in a same week a few months ago. Maybe I have more than... 20 without finished, to be honest.

But this is one of my favourites, so... I hope you like it!!! XOXO 😘😘😘

-------------------

Josie's on a vacation far away, Come around and talk it over, So many things that I want to say, You know I like my girls a little bit older, I just want to use your love tonight, I don't want to lose your love tonight

The song plays in that small cabin where, being observed from the outside, a black x-wing with orange sectors performs pirouettes under the sky of Aureallis, attracting the attention of many little ones and that of a man who does nothing but let out full snorts of annoyance. He felt his blood boil, and although he knew that he was there with his friends at the request of General Organa, he could not get out of his head that the blurred image he had seen a few days ago seemed the x -wing of him.

Now he could confirm it.

That beautiful ship that he loved so much and that he had lost when he was captured by the First Order doing pirouettes as if it were a show plane.

Poe Dameron wanted to throw up.

He restrained himself from doing so when his best friend approached, standing next to him and looking for what his friend was looking at in the sky.

- What do we observe?

- Do you see the little ship doing pirouettes? - The young man shook his head looking at the entire pink sky, characteristic for the presence of a strange form of iron in the atmosphere that did not make it toxic to any species, especially to humans. The pilot, impatient and even more nervous, took the head of his friend and turned it to where the ship was at that moment. Finn exclaimed a sound similar to surprise and then turned, as he could, his face towards Poe, who seemed to be burning fire from his eyes.

- It's very similar ... - he left the sentence half finished as the ship began its descent as if it were a living being. The way only he used to treat it. This is how his mother had taught him, to treat a ship as if it were a companion - It is not possible.

The pilot nodded at the same time that Rey saw them, without even thinking about the position that his best friends were: anyone who saw them, they would say they were hugging. She giggled to herself as she allowed herself to be carried away by that private joke they had with Rose, that their affection for each other was a secret and forbidden love for the Resistance.

She could not hide her laughter and that made the two men separate from each other in a second, leaning casually on the railing of the gazebo of that palace.

- You two looked adorable - Finn just smirked and Poe rolled his eyes at how unobvious Finn was to hide his feelings for Rey. He gave his friend a shove and heard him curse, enjoying it. He'd tried anyway to get Finn to seduce Rey, but the man was stubborn about it and she was unchanging. So much so that Poe got tired of trying and began to observe the clumsy attempts at approach of his friend.

- What happened?

- Queen Azala will receive us - The youngest high-fived, BB-8 extended his tool in approval and Poe smiled, although it will be difficult for him to express his feelings towards them, he would do anything to keep them safe and by his side, even if it cost him his life in the attempt - She waits for us in the meeting room.

- Come on - Poe waited for his friends to pass to observe for the last time the one that he once knew to be his ship.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A year and a half later ...

- They're here, Your Highness. - I rolled my eyes as a clear sign of annoyance causing Aimeen to laugh.

- Thank you very much for calling them - I smiled at Palmer, one of my court assistants, who just nodded. I took his hand and he squeezed it as if his life depended on it. Thank goodness I'm not like my mother - Have it ready before they arrive. The commander must receive it in the same condition that he lost it - After so many talks between the Resistance and Aureallis, and establishing a beautiful friendship between us, Rey told me about the x-wing that was on our landing platform. Which turned out to be from Poe, and I felt even more awful. I automatically discussed it with my father when they left and the mechanics team took it upon themselves to leave it as new.

I was eager to see him. It had been over a year since I last saw them, and that tight stomach that barely let me breathe had never gone away. The first time I met him, he was the heir to the throne, now, he was the one who occupied it.

- That thing is imposing - Aimeen indicates the window to me and when I get closer, we see the Millennium Falcon land without any difficulty on our little airstrip. I shook my head and heard the typical beeps coming from the other side of the door, smiled unconsciously and nodded for them to pass.

- Kayla! I'm so glad to see you - Rey's smile conveyed that genuine joy that I also felt when I saw her - Leia sends you her greetings. Nice to see you Aimeen.

- Me too - The two of us melted into a warm hug and I barely separated, I bent down to leave a soft kiss on BB-8's head - How have you been little?

- Beep. Beep. Beeeeep. - We both laughed and when I looked behind her, but no one else came in. Where was he?

- I'm glad to hear that. And the rest of the team? - Ask trying to be as sneaky as possible. A gleam in Rey's eyes made me think that nothing was escaping her. Much less if she was being trained by Leia.

- Finn and Chewie are in the Falcon. Poe is on the lookout, I think he likes the view.

The second my father entered with three more senators, to finish finalizing the details of the information regarding the Empire that the Resistance needed and at that moment I took the opportunity to leave. I walked quickly between the different corridors of the palace and when I reached the door that led to the viewpoint, I doubted what to do.

What would I say? What did I want to see him?

The doors opened so quietly that I didn't even hear them and stood between them. Despite the little wind, I can hear him taking a deep breath and his body moving in time with his breathing.

For a moment I lost myself in my thoughts and imagined him as the type of man out of the novels that my father gave me from his trips to different planets. Romance novels had ruined my head, so much so that this handsome man couldn't be in front of me. Try not to think about it, to look away quickly, not to think about how good it would feel to run your fingers through those jet-black curls and just appeal to the thought of a baby. More precisely in a baby with the appearance of the abominable Jabba.

It did not work.

I tried not to make noise to watch him for a few more minutes, but he barely moved to remove a pair of headphones and leaned on his elbows on the railing, not the slightest hint of turning.

- Your Highness, it's a pleasure that you enjoyed me with your company - I let out a laugh and remembered how intuitive this man was. I didn't even move, instead, he turned around with that arrogant smile that came to love from a distance.

- Commander, it is an honor that you are in Aureallis after such a long time - When the only guard at the viewpoint left, giving us privacy, we looked at each other and burst out laughing at the same time that he approached and hugged me. I took a deep breath hoping to enjoy that feeling of freedom that he always seemed to convey, in addition to that sweet aroma that his brown leather jacket gave off.

- I'm very sorry about what happened to his mother, Your Highness - I nodded as we parted, and we were left in front of the imposing sea of ​​blue waters that flooded 90% of this planet.

- Me too.

- It must have been difficult; losing a loved one and taking responsibility for an entire planet in less than 24 hours.

We were both silent for a few seconds and I didn't know what to answer him. I had been taught what to do when I assumed my role as senator, but I was never prepared to lose my mother. And less for a mistake of the Republic.

-It's never easy, no matter how much you've spent a lifetime preparing for it - I admit looking at him sideways and seeing that he plays with a ring between his fingers. That ring that he never took off and about which I did not dare to ask.

- It was from my mother. She died when I was little. It's the only thing I have of her and I remember her - Sadness invades her voice and I feel like an intruder. He keeps his gaze fixed on some point on the horizon and smiles, dropping her head, like her beautiful curls - I miss her too much.

- I know - I answer him in a sigh and he turns to see me - You turned out to be quite intuitive, Dameron. Leia must be happy.

- Years of practice, Your Highness.

I barely pulled away from her side and crossed my arms trying to look angry. I didn't make it as I looked like I was entertaining him. Could I ever talk seriously to this man?

- Let's get this formality thing over with. We're just Poe and Kayla here. Ok? - He nodded raising his hands as if he wanted to get rid of the guilt of that and shook his head. This man was impossible - Join me.

Poe frowned, but he followed me in complete silence. I was uncomfortable with it but didn't know what we could talk about either. - Won't you ask where I'm taking you?

- I prefer the surprise factor - He was silent again - Nice necklace. I do not know that constellation.

I touched the charm that my father had given me from one of his many trips and smiled. i never took it off me. - It was a gift from my father, from a very, very distant planet, from where you can see our star, Polaris. And they say it is the brightest in his firmament. It is part of the constellation Ursa Minor. This, on the other hand, is "the big spoon" - I hear him laugh and as soon as I turn around he tries to get serious - It is part of the Big Dipper. I could never see it but I know it must be beautiful.

- I never visited Earth, now you mention the Big Dipper, but they say it is a jewel in space.

We walk the last stretch in complete silence and when we get to the ship hangar, he looks at me strangely.

-I would like to give you something - As soon as I open the door I notice that his mouth falls for a moment

But he regains his composure in the second, smiling and walking towards the fully repaired x-wing.

- Is my…

- It was a gift from the First Order to my father when they tried to get him to agree to work with them. He accept it but decline his offer.

- I didn't think I'll see it again. But when I saw it that day that ... Who was it that used it as a pirouette plane? - That's when I realized how much that ship mattered to him.

- I'm sorry about that, but it was irresistible for me to do it - I raised my hands in defense and I pouted at him hoping he didn't scream but all he did was laugh.

- Were you the pilot? - I nodded. I still felt terrible knowing that this one had been stolen. But he loved that ship with his soul, it felt so good to handle it that it should be illegal. In the same way it should be illegal to look so attractive without even trying. I kept my composure but enjoyed looking at it as I pleased while observing the x-wing, always so eye-catching, so attractive and a magnet for glances. For a second I imagined that he was observing me in the same way and that what he felt would be reciprocated, but who would dare to mess with a woman like me?

- It was my hobby before assuming the Crown ... I always liked driving, more after I got on this baby.

- Thank you - He murmur lost in his thoughts as he stroked the wings of that great bird, as I had learned to call it.

- Why?

- For bringing it back to me.

I simply nodded and stepped aside, indicating that he could go out for a spin in it and that when he left, he would have clearance to fly it. I thought that he would automatically climb in and literally fly out of the hangar, and that he would come back late at night, but he patted the wing of his ship and approached where he was.

- I'd like to thank you.

- It is not necessary to thank something that is yours.

- You didn't understand me, I want to - That authoritative tone in his voice made a chill run through me from head to toe - Let me thank you.

He took a few steps closer, closing the distance that separated us, remaining only inches from my lips if it weren't for the fact that he was taking me a few inches extra.

- It's not necessary ... - I wanted to move away but I took my hands and turned, leaving me facing the ship and feeling the slight pressure of his body against mine - Poe...

- When you want to handle an x-wing you must let yourself be carried away and the most important thing you must make him guide you. Someone like BB-8 will be a great help, but you can handle yourself in short intervals - He takes my hands in his and starts moving them in the air as if the x-wing controls were in front of us. I look at him again and I find him looking at me - What?

- Is this your way of flirting with a women?

- It depends.

- It depends? What kind of answer is that?

- Well, not normally. Since none of the women I dated were interested in aviation - He moved my hands in the air again, this time intertwining his fingers between mine - A moment ago you said "it depends"

- mhm... What does it depend on?

- Whether it is working or not.

Color automatically rose up my neck and I felt my body burn. That was an answer I hadn't expected. I tried to focus on whatever he was saying but couldn't remember a word.

- When pass a couple more classes, I'll tell you Flyboy.

#star wars universe #star wars tros #star wars fanfiction #star wars fanfic #star wars #poe dameron x female reader #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron x oc #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #poe dameron fanfic #poe dameron fluff #poe dameron fic #poe dameron x you #poe dameron x ofc #star wars sequel fic #star wars the rise of skywalker #fanfic fluff #fanfic writer #i write for myself but you can read it too

[beneaththemasks]

Beast, Fifteen, Dead Apple and Fyodor´s ability put togheter

The first time I watched Bungou I didn't pay much attention to be honest and that lead me to committing a big mistake and that big mistake is what brings me here today.

This is a theory I´ve been working on for a long time now.

Before anything else I have to tell you that this is something I came up with entirely by myself, I don´t know if anyone has already written something similar to this, so any similitude is pure coincidence.

DISCLAIMER: this contains spoilers from the manga and light novels and is quite long, so read at your own risk.

Any hateful comment will be simply ignored, this is just something I'm sharing with you because it makes sense to me and I want to know what you think.

Please excuse my english if it gets bad at times since it isn't my first language.

Let´s begin:

I´ll start talking to you about some guy named “Randou” who was presented in the light novel ''Fifteen” as the responsible for the mafia´s predecessor return and the Arahabaki incident.

For those of you who don´t remember him, here´s a picture.

Ok so, you might wonder why I'm bringing him up.

If he was supposed to be a forgettable face from the beginning, another extra character in the story, then why didn´t I forget him? Why do I mention him before anything?

The answer is simple: I can forget a face I´ve seen once or twice but not one I´ve seen thrice.

“What do you mean? we only saw the man one time” 

You´re totally right, however that wasn´t the case for me.

Confusing his face was the big mistake I made and the one that lead me to building this net of theories and clues that I'm putting together right here right now:

Even though the first time we see Fyodor´s face is at the ending of the second season and then again in Dead Apple, I remind you that I wasn't paying attention at all (like literally guys I already told you about how I would call tachihara “bad tanizaki” just because they looked the same to me). Due to my lack of attention, after finishing the “cannibalism” arc. and becoming more familiar with Fyodor´s face it occurred to me that he was the same guy involved in the arahabaki incident.

Why? because I can so I did.

My brain automatically assumed these guys were the same person just because they were dressed as if they were going to sleep on the top of the Everest for a whole month and because their faces were equally sad...

Of course, when I finished the anime and started reading the manga I was totally confused when Dazai asked Fyodor what his ability was, since I thought him and Randou were the same person, therefore I thought they shared ability.

After that I had to rewatch the whole anime and then realized how high I was when I watched it the first time.

But even when I managed to get the whole story right I still couldn't stop thinking about Randou, he was still a mystery, but more than the man himself, his story and the order in which they were presented by Kafka were somehow strange.

So after reading “Beast'' I came up with a few theories about the book being canonically in that alternate universe, because for me, even if Beast was supposed to be just a spin off written to promote the release of Dead Apple, it couldn´t be that and only that.

I just can´t accept  that “Kafka wrote a 200-page novel to promote a movie that had nothing to do with it when he was asked to just write a 50-page short story” because he just felt like doing it. I knew from the deep bottom of my heart that he was not the kind to write just for fanservice.

So I came up with this idea: “What if the release of Beast and fifteen are more important than we think?”

Despite the first time we see fyodor´s face being at the end of the second season, the first time we see him meeting Dazai, is during dead apple. However, he seems to be just an extra character, someone who doesn't seem to add much to the story at first sight (except for when he turns Shibusawa into a big dragon).

But if we think about it, the same happens with the mentioning of the book in “Beast” and with Randou´s appearance in “Fifteen”.

In these three stories, the book, Randou and Fyodor are like an app running in the background of your cell phone, they are responsible for some kind of event and or incident that we cannot see now but that eventually will go out to light.

These are all very small hints, but that's why it is important, the smaller the better.

We can´t forget that Kafka has always been a mastermind of hiding evidence in plain sight.

He wrote and published 3 stories at the same time  that have nothing in common and then used them to promote each other. He decided not to wait any longer nor release them earlier because they´re relevant to each other even when they don't seem to be. They are like a building in the middle of the city, we see it but we never get the chance to observe it because of all that's happening around it.

But as far as we know Randou dies at the end of fifteen. How could he possibly be related to Fyodor if they never met?

The importance here is not his death or them meeting, maybe not even Randou himself but what happened before his entrance to the PM and after his death.

As far as we know, Randou used to be an european spy tasked to investigate a powerful entity of power in japan and sent to steal it. However, during that mission he was betrayed by his friend who tried to kill him but is Randou who ended up killing him instead.

Nevertheless, in the story we never get to know why his friend betrayed him nor what is that so called “source of energy” that the japanese government has been secretly guarding.

we 

never

know

until now (?)

Towards the end:

What if that “source'' is actually the book itself and his friend tried to kill him to keep it for himself and escape with it? 

Even more important:

What if Randou, after killing his friend, decides to steal the book but forgets about it and it´s power after losing his memory in the Arahabaki incident? 

These explanations can perfectly fill a void we never even noticed was there: Randou dies without remembering that he has a very important item with him, which is the reason for which he was once chased by the GSS (an agrupation that is connected to the Guild who we already know was searching for the book as well) and the same Dazai could have stolen after the Port Mafia kept his belongings when he died.

Please please pleaaaaaaseeee finish the idea.

After writing for 2 days, tying knots and untying them, reading and rereading, remembering details and searching for others i couldn't remember, this is my final conclusion:

 Fyodor´s ability could be nothing more and nothing less than the book itself.

The proof of that being:

-All we know is his ability “Crime and Punishment” is presented as a perfect complement to one another. When he explains why Sibusawa´s mist didn't affect him he says “it´s because crime and punishment are good friends” which can mean that for one to appear, the other has to do something, that is to say, he has to commit a crime to receive punishment.

-We can assume that as someone whose objective is to free everyone from the sense of morality (as Gogol explains) he's the one to decide whether he commits a crime that deserves punishment or better said, his ability “the book” that can only function following the rules of karma.

 -He probably doesn't need to communicate with the outside at all and is trying to deceive Dazai since the plot is going according to his plans and to how he planned to write the story on that single page.

-We know he has a page since the beginning and he also knows everything that´s written on it (for example that sigma´s existence was written on it 3 years before) but it's never mentioned how he got it.

-He literally joined the Guild to search for that book (´cause it belongs to him).

-Despite everything, Dazai is not worried about his plans either (he says all he has to do is observe him) because he's confident that everything is gonna turn out in his favour (you can see the little bitch didn't mind sending Akutagawa to his own death) since he stole the book from Randou long ago.

-What Dazai could've done with the book is nothing more and nothing less than creating the “Beast”  universe after leaving the PM just to give Oda a proper farewell and because since he discovered the real power of that book he decided the best was to hide it.

However none of them can reveal any of this for obvious reasons.

Well I´ve nothing more to say, this is all I have for the moment.

 I know some of these ideas sound very complicated and even excessive, however in the end everything fitted perfectly to me (and I swear I came up with 3 different theories before putting this one together).

If you managed to read this far, thank you very much :,)

If you feel like commenting something feel free to do so :)

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd manga #bsd light novel #bsd dead apple #bsd beast #bsd fifteen #dazai osamu #fyodor dostoevsky #asagiri kafka #harukawa 35 #long post #as you can see I have no life and a lot of free time #bsd spoilers

[yet-another-saberface]

Fate/ & My Anxiety

Okay, so, I kinda had a rough day today, but that rough day really made me want to write this. I’d been thinking about it for a bit, but now I’m sure that this is something I should put out there, because I’m sure at least someone out there has had a similar experience. And if I write this correctly, it should be an interesting read anyways. (Post now updated with a cut & pretty gifs and things! I tried to keep the gifs more positive to offset some of the more serious parts of what I’m discussing.) So uh... Enjoy I guess? It’s kinda what it says on the tin.

Warning for serious mentions of anxiety and stuff. But I try to keep it lighter than it could be. For anyone else that might have some anxiety problems like me, it might help you to read this, because it’s really just a discussion of some themes I’ve taken away from the series that really helped me with my own anxiety. But whether you read it or not you should probably take a sec to breathe, that never hurts.

So. I’m going to be upfront about this. I have anxiety. Not just a normal amount of stress, but actual, diagnosed anxiety. I am not medicated, but at the moment that’s mostly because my doctors think that trying medication during this whole pandemic situation wouldn’t actually let them know if it would help me in the long term. I’ve been living with anxiety for pretty much my entire life, but I just thought everyone was stressed out, and that life sucked, and that I was bad at dealing with it. But that wasn’t the case.

But one thing is going to ring true for me regardless of what the state of my anxiety is, be it in the moment or over the course of my life. And that’s that like most things, media helped me with it before I even realized what it was. As I sit around in quarantine and try to manage my fluctuating stress levels, I’ve found myself drifting back to the Fate Series, and FGO, after taking a break from them for few months, arguably even the past year.

At this point, it’s been around 3 years, maybe even 4, since I originally discovered Fate. And I’m not going to lie, I didn’t get the best possible first impression, because I started with the Deen anime from 2005. I’d seen Saber before, had no idea who she was other than some chic I vaguely looked like with a good character design and a sword, and saw her on the cover of an anime. So I watched it. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and was trying to piece everything together as I watched, but I watched to the end. And I liked it. It definitely wasn’t my favorite show. But when I heard that it was “the bad one,” and that there was more, I gladly went to go watch it.

And that might not make sense at first, but I’m emitting a huge detail. I was, and still am, a huge mythology nerd. As I was watching the original Stay Night anime, I was fascinated by the portrayals of these characters that, technically, I already knew. And I was really into the idea that there was more of that.

So later that year, I watched Fate/Zero. And I’m gonna be honest, I was too young to really appreciate everything it had to offer, and I’m planning on going back to it soon, but I loved every second of that show. When I got the chance, I binged through it, and it was heavy stuff, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

And after that, I started looking up what else there was. I watched Carnival Phantasm in maybe 2 days tops and adored it. I procrastinate on watching a lot of stuff, because I found myself having less and less time to myself, but that same summer I watched Zero, I also started playing FGO. I started the game for the characters I already knew. I stayed because I found a story I was genuinely invested in on its own, and a community that was really fun to observe, if not be an active part of. I still remember sitting down on a day when I had nothing to do and finishing Okeanos all in one go. Or laying down after a long day at school and doing the same to a ReRun event. It was a great stress outlet, and I was invested.

But the more I look back on all of that, I start to see details that explain even better why I was so invested. I don’t have a single favorite Fate character, but I will admit that I adore Saber. She’s what drew me in, my friends who know Fate apparently think I look like her, and we all know the Excalibur scene from Zero looks like it should be in an actual movie.

I won’t claim to be a character expert, despite being a writer. I didn’t write Saber, let alone any other Fate character. But the more I think about her, the more I start to realize that yeah, I understand a lot of what she’s gone through. Do I know what it’s like to be a King and run a country and what that entails? No obviously not. But I do know what it’s like to feel that you have a duty to everyone around you to not screw things up. I understand how someone could feel extremely guilty when they do eventually screw things up. There’s a lot of ways to look at any character, but I realize now that from the beginning that that specific idea was the lens through which I understood Saber.

And it holds true for most other characters. With Shirou, did I understand losing your parental figure or an undying desire to be a hero? Not really. But I did understand the fact that he felt like he wasn’t good enough, and that he gained value by putting himself on the line for others. I may not have risked my life for another person, but I’ve definitely put myself through mental stress enough to induce multiple panic attacks a day for other people.

And now we get to the part of this... I don’t want to call it an essay. The part of this post. Where I talk about Gil.

Am I aware that in most (early) depictions of him in Fate, he’s a horrible dick of a person who deserves no respect? Yes, I am.

But I also know that when I think about some of the less horrible aspects of him as a character now, there’s stuff in there I should take away that is good. I just went on an whole rant about how I can understand low self esteem and self sacrifice and crushing responsibility and the pressure to not screw it all up. And these days, I can’t stop thinking about how Saber admitted to a lot of that and (this is obviously a gross oversimplification but you should get by now that this is personal and specific) the response from Gil and Rider was “It sounds like you aren’t living life as happily as you could and are setting a bad example of how to live life for those that look up to you.” And that idea keeps coming back to me in every moment when I’m having an anxiety attack, or cram studying even though I know I’m ready, or finishing something due two weeks from now tonight because I won’t have to do it later. And it only hits me harder because I know I’m not a King or anything lofty like that, but I am a labeled “gifted student” and a support person for many of my friends and a designated “responsible one” and all of these other things. And yet I’m preaching for them to do as I say not as I do when it comes to enjoying life and taking care of yourself.

I don’t know if I fully internalized that message when I first watched that scene. But I must have in some capacity because it still haunts me now, reminding me that maybe I shouldn’t be giving into all of this stress. And I’m trying, I really am, to keep that in mind as I fight against all of it and try to keep things under control.

And then there’s Babylonia. When I really get down to it, I have a pretty strong emotional connection to this part of FGO. I joined the game pretty late, roughly right after Camelot’s release, so I had a lot of catching up to do. But I caught up, and I got to experience this story that I’d heard was one of the best in the game as it came out. If I wanted to I could say a LOT more about Babylonia, and maybe I will in the future. 

But I’m not going to deny that CasGil has been a pretty prominent presence in my mind ever since when it comes to stress and responsibility. (Heck I could probably talk about just him specifically for at least a good 5th of what I have so say about Babylonia. Maybe I will someday.) I mean, it’s kind of his thing, you see the fandom joke about it all the time how he’s the Gil that doesn’t sleep because he just keeps on working and working and working. And that’s why there was this one moment when I was watching the Babylonia anime that now stands out to me. When Gil goes with the player out to the observatory, he just leaves. He doesn’t bother apologizing to anyone or explaining his actions, he just goes. And we know, as basically an outsider, that this is him taking a break. He needed a break and so he just took a break without any clarifications or explanations or apologies. Sure he might justify it to the player has needing to do some other work out there, but that actually makes it hit harder for me. Because he’s justifying his breaks as more work.

I used to be lucky enough to have a clear cut line between what was my time and what was other people’s time (that I was giving them out of my time) and what time belonged to school/work. And now all of that has been thrown out the window and I’ve been having to teach myself how to do what I just described.

Take a goddamn break without having to tell everyone else how sorry I am for taking a day to actually rest and breathe and all those other important things. And yet I still have to justify those breaks to myself as time to take care of other things. 90% of the time, those breaks aren’t breaks to me, they’re time to work on my novel instead of my essay, or something like that.

And then I glance down at my phone and I’m hit with most of what I just wrote flooding into my head. And I try to tell myself that no, it’s okay to just take a break. And that I should be allowing myself to enjoy being alive instead of being a slave to expectations and responsibilities. And that as a person I know other people look up to I should be setting a better example of how to take care of yourself. And sometimes it works. Other times there’s more things at play and it doesn’t get through to me the same way, but it’s something that works. All of the hours I’ve spent with those character remind me that what I’m doing isn’t okay on a pretty regular basis at this point. And I’m really glad for that. And I hope that all of this stuff will continue to help me as it’s helping me right now.

At least I know that when I feel like I’m freaking out, I can open FGO and play through a quest and I’ll usually feel better. So I’m just gonna keep trying, keep managing, until I find a place where it’s finally all okay again, as much as it can be.

(P.S: More reasons that CasGil is my grailing target right now? Yeah that’s true but these reasons are deeper than “I got a Merlin look at that” or “Grailing Jalter is useful.” He’s a character that’s genuinely important to me and I think that finally investing in him is going to be really satisfying for me.)

#fgo #fate go #fate/go #fate grand order #fate/grand order #my writing #life update #i guess #serious stuff #if you read this thank you so much #anxiety #i don't know if stuff like this will become regular content #it might i dunno #but if it does it'll be more analysis and less personal #but seriously y'all take a break #breathe #take care of yourself #and if characters help you do that that's great

[oh-lali-lali-lali-lalipop]

@mysteriousdbzgt: Hi oh-lali-lali-lali-lalipop! Thank you for your ask. First of all, thanks for asking this question here on my personal (and also for the follow over on t&bftw, welcome aboard! :D) I think you can probably tell from here, that I’m a huge supporter of them becoming romantically involved lol I don’t shy about that here, but I like to present a more neutral stance over on my news dedicated blog, to not influence others of my personal opinions. With regards to the new season, as much as I would be supportive of it, I unfortunately highly doubt that they would become “official” in S2 or anything in the future, but will remain extremely dedicated and attentive to one another, regardless of their constant bickering. The creators of the show are more than aware of the popularity of the “couple”, being constantly popular at doujinshi events and the continuous amounts of merchandise that they bring out, which regularly focuses on the main duo rather than all of the Heroes all the time. The fandom is primarily dominated by women, when originally the show was supposed to target men and “salarymen”, but attracted a completely different demographic that they hadn’t anticipated. I can only think that’s mainly because of the appeal of K&B. Also not helped by some of the staff’s, let’s just say, “unfiltered” thoughts when they discuss about K & B in older interviews, centering around “love” and other similar notions. I think they still want to keep this series aimed towards a male demographic, even if the results don’t line up as they expect. But highly ironically, it’s what makes the show successful, so I doubt they would want to change how they portray Kotetsu and Barnaby’s relationship. Personally I would be absolutely over the moon if they did become “official”, because they’re just perfect for one another (hehe) and it could just break so many standard conventions/boundaries on how media portrays same-sex relationships, if done appropriately, and not be labelled with any genre tags like “BL”, “yaoi” or anything similar, and still simply just be a “drama”, “superhero” tale, with the two main males eventually getting together but not make a big song and dance about it. If we want to normalise LGBT relationships within our media and what we consume, then we need to drop these tags and portray them in a healthy manner, which I think the show does well between them both. I believe that the staff have the talent to pull it off, they just need to be cautious on how they do it. Like you said, how FE is presented in the show which such great self confidence about themselves and who they are, really shows that they can write this. Also T&B’s spiritual successor show, Double Decker (who had a lot of the same staff) tackles some LGBT themes pretty well, so they could absolutely do it. But yeah, I don’t think they’ll become “official” unfortunately. But if anything, I anticipate that KxB will most likely be working even closer together in S2, so they’ll be more in tune with one another, and possibly open up even more to each other than they did before. Hopefully they’ll be over the huge feuds and split apart phase, which The Rising focused on (they’ll still bicker all the time, but that’s just how they are), so we can see just how far their relationship has come and changed for the better. Anyway this is probably way too long (sorry), but always interested to hear your thoughts too! :)  

Heya! Before I start I just wanna say thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a thorough reply, it is incredibly well thought out and written! I also want to say I am so freaking sorry you had to type out my monstrosity of a name (seriously didn’t think about that when making the joke lol). Oh, and I’m equally sorry for the formatting of the reply... really had no clue how to go about it, so I just defaulted to going about it the roleplayer way haha. Anyways, for starters, I think I should say that I actually agree with you a lot. You see, logically I think it feels highly unlikely they’d make them “official” in the new season. I’m not sure if I feel like it’s unlikely because I, someone who’s in the LGBTQ community, am a pessimist (aka, I’m negative regardless of proof) who is use to companies not delivering on it/assume companies won’t deliver on it.... or if I’m genuinely, but unconsciously, picking up on Sunrise’s stance of “not gonna happen”. Despite all that I still feel stupidly hopeful about it (y’know, heart louder than the mind and all that jazz)... and I guess for the sake of the discussion I’ll break down why! lol So, I got into the fandom.... around the time of The Rising, I think, so anywhere from 2014 to 2015. I instantly fell in love with it all, but I did end up falling out of the loop for awhile (being a teenager and all that). Recently (recently being that I finished S1 on Friday, watched The Rising on Sunday, and now I’m here lol) I got back into it and.... wow, a lot of it is the same, and.... at the same time it felt like I had so much more to process. It’s still as amazing as ever, if not even more so, and just like with everything else I love with my entire being I started to analyze it and read into it (maybe a little bit too much so lol).  In all honesty, KxB seriously stood out even more so than it did last time for me (I don’t know if it’s because I’m now accepting of my sexuality or what) and while it’s not actually the best part of the series to me (God, Barnaby’s arc means so much to me what with me struggling with cPTSD, but that story is best left on my RP blog) I do have to admit that the pairing is... incredibly meaningful, and beautiful. Moving for me, really.  I guess the following observations, and hopeful thinking that came after it, could be deduced to me just wearing shipper goggles, but considering my habit of over analyzing and breaking things down... I do try to make predictions and opinions logically, and with that in mind it’s why I’m so stuck on the “hopeful thinking”, since a tiny bit of logical thinking is fueling it. Tiger & Bunny is about human relationships, really. For a show focusing on NEXTs... it’s really about humanity, corruption, society, relationships... and KxB all along the first season is written as an undertone, like a slow burn (which is entirely fitting, and seriously makes any relationship better), which fits because the first season is, in actuality, not focused on that (the plot being bigger than we can see and all that). In the end, having rewatched it, I also noticed how, really, the undertone is written in such a way that.... it feels like Barnaby is the one with the “crush” (or is the first one to realize it) which... kinda fits with the old statements from the crew. Kotetsu the forever oblivious one who hasn’t had an epiphany yet (although if I’m being honest, The Rising seems to have this “side-plot” feeling of Kotetsu having the epiphany when he realizes what he’s lost, which is what I meant by the flow of the series somewhat feels like it’s building towards it)...  .... There’s also the whole “leaving it to interpretation thing” they said back then. Which, I have to agree with some other people that it feels like it’s just a way of saying “it’s romantic but we don’t want to take that risk”.... and that was back around 2011. It’ll have been decade since then when S2 is released, and, while a decade is just a decade, a lot has changed on a societal basis since then. Even during this decade long gap Sunrise has become more bold with their representation, whether it be Double Decker! or The Rising.... almost like they’re testing the waters...  and what better way to champion representation than to make two main characters the representation? This franchise is... so human in it’s story, and the meaning doing such a thing would have for so many people... in a way, I think out ways some of the risks. I feel like the build up is there, the want is there (tbh seeing posts on tumblr of people talking about how they hope they’ll get a kiss in S2 or something “official” like that also fueled this)... it just depends on whether they’ll feel afraid or not. Which is, really, why I asked for your opinion. You do such good work at trying to bridge the gap between the Japanese fandom/Sunrise and the English speaking community (which, btw, you are amazing at, I can’t thank you enough for the work you do), and I knew you’d be more informed on Sunrise’s attitude and statements, as well as the general opinions and depositions of the Japanese fans. In the end, I can “read into” things all I want, but it won’t matter if you can’t understand the one who pulls the strings... and because of that I wanted to know your opinion.  I’m so so sorry this got so long!! I’m really horrible at summarizing myself, so this turned into a major ramble.... I’m gonna wrap it up now before this turns into a novel haha. Again, thank you so much for responding to my question and for being open to discussing it, it means so much! I truly respect your opinion, since it helps me clear my own thoughts, as well as gives me a dose of reality so I don’t get my hopes up too much... I guess in the end though, a part of me is going to continue to think that they just might have the heart to do it, irregardless lol. I look forwards to seeing what you have to say about what I’ve written here!

#mysteriousdbzgt #thoughts #Tiger & Bunny #I have no clue why tumblr tried to squash your post when I copied it like Kotetsu squashes his burgers #but jesus fucking christ #also tumblr what did you do to block quotes wtf

[daltonsden]

So, a couple things.

I think there may be a few things worth addressing because this has just spiraled into something that does not remotely resemble reality anymore. This is likely to be my last lioden-related interaction on here for a long time. I apologize for the novel.

First of all, any of the things, which I am still confused about what all you folks are going on about, has not happened in the Breed Only Beauties discord server. I don't understand what exactly these anons would prefer for me to do. I can't ban individuals based on alleged actions outside of my server, that doesn't seem logical or right to me. I can’t moderate actions outside of my server. If something happens in the in the server, create a ticket. I am not psychic and can not address things I am not made aware about. Everything that we are made aware of is addressed promptly.

Second, there's a ticket system in the Breed Only Beauties discord server which will connect you immediately with the admins and has an average response time of about a minute. So to say admins/moderators aren't doing anything is simply not based in reality. Many users have received warnings and have adjusted their behavior. You can also typically get an instant response you if DM any of them directly. Helpers, by the way, can not see tickets. If you are curious what most tickets are about, it’s failure to use trigger warnings. Well, actually most tickets are people testing the ticket system (please do not do this), but that doesn't really count. If you need something in the sever, create a ticket if it is actual issue in the server. For everything else, create a Tumblr post apparently.

Some, well at least one person, has complained about the choice of Aggy. I will not be demoting Aggy from the helper position. I am unaware of the alleged actions of Aggy that would warrant this (besides of course the favorite crime of guilt by association), and Aggy was chosen as a helper due to merit. They have exhibited nothing that would contradict this initial assessment, and has been doing an excellent job. If you have an issue with Aggy and believe you have evidence of why they should not be a helper, please create a ticket in the server or DM me. I am always open to being proven wrong.

Fourth, no I will not arbitrarily kick an individual because you do not like them or do not get along with them. This applies to people on "both sides". They will have to break the rules either severely enough, or enough times to be kicked. You not liking them is not an appropriate reason to have someone banned from the server. Pretty much everyone has been and will be given a chance in this server, even if I get DMs from people bemoaning their entry. So no, everyone, I will not be kicking someone because they are a clown gang, I will not be kicking someone because they are friends of Jax, I will not be kicking someone because you think they may be the user that bought out your mispriced trade last year or kinged a lion similar to yours. None of these are valid reasons. If you have a valid reason, please create a ticket or DM me. We will instantly kick users who underage, who engage in clear-intent scams, steal art, or engage in any activity that would result in a ban from Lioden.

Unfortunately, I can not dedicate my entire life to volunteer to watch every channel in a pet sim server for a small community. Realistically, this is not even dependent on my mother's condition. I just humanly can't do that, because sleep is a thing, and nor would I want to. I don't even want to spend most of my free time doing it. If you see something, report via the ticket system. As much as the salt blogs care to insinuate, I do not bear the weight of responsibility of the actions of individuals who sometimes chat in a server I set up for everyone to enjoy. I am not these people’s parent, nor can I control any individual’s actions. Also, if I were to chose to leave the server be and let the weeds grow wild, that would not make me a “bitch” as one anon so eloquently put it. Anon, you are not entitled to the volunteered time I put into building a little community for Bob. Everything I, the admins, and the helpers, put in is volunteered and not at all a given, or requirement. If I can not drop everything in a moment’s notice to service a voluntarily run discord, that does not make me a “bitch”. It is not, and will never be, my sole or number one responsibility in life. It’s a game. And to insinuate that I am somehow less than or a bad person for not being able to manage the server 100% of the time is unreasonable and cruel. Look, I’m only human. And the users chatting in Bob are only human. And there's going to be squabbles, and people are going to complain about stuff, and not always get along, and that’s okay, because that's part of being human. But I’m not always going to be online to catch it, so please use the ticket system.

Also, on to the anonymous user who posted and the salt blog who permitted this comment,” hey fun fact anon, i'm aware she's dealing with her sick mother but that doesn't excuse the terrible moderation. if she told her mods to step up or do something, they could do something so she could do what she needed to do. she's a bitch, and terrible owner. she has the power to do stuff, but does nothing.” What is wrong with you? How on earth does this progress anything, and why was this permitted to be shared? I understand everyone enjoys salt, and everyone is stressed due to the global circumstances stances right now, but moderators and posters please keep in mind there is a human on the other end of the keyboard, and thanks to the 2020 energy I think everyone is going through something. I have my mother's situation, but everyone has something right now. I have an open DM policy with players in and out of my discord, where if you have anything you need to talk about I can always provide a safe and confidential place to talk, and many, many users have come to me upset about even just the tiniest thing shared on these blogs. These words and comments genuinely hurt people, and it doesn’t take needlessly calling someone a “bitch” because they can not dedicate their life to moderating a discord server to do that. You can hurt people with much less. This request is to everyone, including individuals in the Bob discord server. I don't think anyone deserves to be just berated or cussed out needlessly by anonymous randos, not myself, not Roxanne, not Jax, not the clown gang, not Noluck, not BO breeders, not applicator lovers, not the Lioden staff. All these individuals are people who are just doing the best they can right now, I'm sure. Even Roxanne and Jax are nice, normal and understanding people if you talk to them one on one.

Yes, my mother is dying from liver failure caused by cancer. It is an awful and ugly death, especially for someone who is far before her time. Her medication to manage the pain and rising liver toxicity she is has made her very not herself, though we are finding a better combination. There are still some good days ahead I hope. She is combative, physically and verbally, and can not physically do most basic actions herself. She keeps fighting us to go back to chemo, even though it did nothing to help the tumors and would just quicken demise. It breaks my heart because I know she just wants to live and wants to fight it, but she is going to die where she lays. I just really hope I get to have a fully aware conversation with her before she passes, and that she knows I love her so much despite me being a bit of a hellion in my teens. I think it would be hard to watch if I was an observer, unfortunately I am active participant.

On the matter of me deleting things that violate our rules in server. The alternative would to be leaving up things that violate our rules, which would be the same as deeming it acceptable. This is just the strangest complaint I've seen on here. If there was a delete, someone is essentially being spoken to/receiving a strike/ECT. According to Tumblr, I'm quite the paradox, apparently, I somehow both manage to completely disregard the server while still managing to delete stuff every time insert your favorite salt blog character here does anything. Congratulations Bob, you got yourself a girl that can do both.

At the end of the day, the Bob server is a pretty mundane lioden server. If you don't like breed only marks/bases, it’s probably pretty boring. It’s really nothing like how it’s portrayed here. If it’s toxic then my vocabulary is far too limited to describe the anonymous culture on platform you’re reading this on. Usually I would suggest joining us and checking it out, but after watching the last 48 hours on Tumblr, I think I’m likely aquantited with enough users from this platform for now. If anyone is still reading, thank you for your time, I'm appreciative of it. Writing this really helped my headspace regarding the community. I should have never read the blogs to be honest, so some of this does fall on my shoulders. I won't likely answer questions, I apologise in advance. I still love you all, and I know this is just a tiny fraction of the Lioden community, but today it just feels incredibly bad.

#lioden #pet sim #petsim #dalton #breed only beauties #lionews #COAL #lioden salt #toxic culture #anonymous #jax #game culture #discord #salty lions #salt #cancer #tumblr #tumblr toxicity #tired

[x0401x]

Have you watched Tsurune, by an chance? If yes, what do you think about it?

Finally managed to write down a reply for this! (Told y’all I was gonna do it and I did not give up, lmao.)

So this ask caught me off-guard for two reasons: one is that I never see it coming when people send me Tsurune asks now that the anime is long over and the fandom is inactive, and the other is that nobody has ever asked me this question so straightforwardly. Whenever I got asks about Tsurune, people would question me about the differences between anime and novel, the anime versions versus the canon versions of the characters, fanservice and ship tease, alterations in character relationships and my opinions on specific episodes, chapters or scenes. As far as I remember, no one has ever asked me what I think of the anime (or the novel) in general.

I won’t go into the novel since this ask is just about the anime (I can do that in another one if you like), but I’ll end up mentioning it every now and then because it’s pretty impossible to discuss about an adaptation without talking about its source material. Still, I promise this review won’t be centered on that.

This is actually a very condensed version of my thoughts, because the real thing would be a bible. It’s still a lot, though. Here comes a long-ass ride.

I guess I should start by making clear that I usually follow the history of KyoAni’s productions very closely as I’m a big fan of the studio. This includes reading the novels and mangas they adapt into anime as well. I had read volume 1 by the time the Tsurune anime came out, so I already knew what the canon was like. I must add that I was also familiar with Japanese archery to some degree and I was reading Zen in the Art of Archery when the anime was airing (it’s referenced early in the novel, so I decided to give it a try).

With all of this being said, when it was announced that Tsurune would get an anime, my first reaction was to worry. This surprised even me, because I usually have high hopes for any KyoAni adaptation, even the ones I end up not liking. I mean, it’s a studio filled with brilliant stars and holds the golden standards of the whole industry, so even when the content isn’t good, the quality of the animation itself is enough to make their shows worth anyone’s time. But the choice of director had me very concerned.

Now, this is Kyoto Animation that we’re talking about. In no moment did I fear for the animation’s quality. Most of Tsurune’s staff members, if not all, already had previous experience working on Violet Evergarden. And we all know that even newcomers freshly graduated from KyoAni’s preparatory school can make a stunning visual masterpiece. Yes, I am talking about Kyoukai no Kanata. And yes, I said visual masterpiece, because we also know that what these productions normally lack is the most essential part: the content.

In those cases, the one who actually makes a difference is the director. I’m a firm believer that the more inexperienced the staff is, the more competent a director they should be placed under. If not a senior animator, at least let it be a rising talent with the best prospects possible. But the schedules usually don’t help with that, so these hatchlings ended up under Yamamura Takuya’s wings.

To elaborate a bit further on why I think brighter animators should be the ones leading new packs (no, it’s not discrimination against the less accomplished, because you gotta start from somewhere), it’s because they usually have this knack for bringing the most out of the stories they’re working on. When the story is great by itself, that’s a different thing, but when it doesn’t quite reach its full potential with just the text, then the one to give it life has to be a person with more vision.

Am I saying that Tsurune is one of those stories? Absolutely. Tsurune is about archery, which is an art that is best appreciated when observed. You can’t get everything out of it just with words, and there are many things in it that people who don’t know much or know nothing about Japanese archery wouldn’t understand without actually seeing them, so the series obviously needed an anime in order to reach its full potential. But other than that, I’ll be honest: I love the Tsurune novel for its cultural baggage, the handling of its characters and its fairly innovative views in the repetitive and boring scene that sports animanga are nowadays, but I don’t consider it a well-written novel. Because it isn’t.

This might seem controvesial coming from someone who defends the canon with claws and teeth, but I’m aware of its flaws. I think Ayano Kotoko has a lot of room for improvement, and she’s evolved remarkably from volume 1 to volume 2. But volume 1 is what the anime was based off, so there was a deep need for a clinical eye in that production. One that could measure the original work’s strengths and weaknesses and balance them out by powering one up and overcoming the other. And also a certain level of knowledge about Japanese archery. Sadly, Yamamura Takuya didn’t have any of it.

As much as I admire Yamamura as a key animator and in-betweener, I believe he has a long way to go before he can be considered a good director, and I certainly don’t think he was ready for his debut when he was put in charge of Tsurune. I would rather, and I mean this in a good way, have seen him work as anything else for the rest of his career. Being a series director was too much for him. I say this taking into consideration not only the fiasco that the Tsurune anime was in sales but also Yamamura’s history in the studio before becoming a director.

This might sound funny, but Yamamura had no idea how big Animation Do and KyoAni were before he decided to join. He also was never very skilled. His in-betweening was actually not approved at first when he was trying to enter the company. He even once admitted that his knowledge of animation was extremely limited at the time, and what a time that was, because the studio was busy up to the neck with the making of Lucky Star back then. He didn’t know left and right, basically, and he recalled in an interview from last year that he is still surprised the studio actually hired him.

Despite all of this, Yamamura joined the company with the intention of becoming a director. While he did manage the feat in the end, it took him +10 years and a few frustrated attempts. Animators usually start out at in-betweening and earn other positions through passing exams. Yamamura failed his first exam to be key animator, only managing to pass half a year later. He also failed his first exam to become a director. At his second attempt, one of their colleagues even suggested that maybe he should stay a bit longer as a key animator, and I couldn’t agree more. While he did pass the test, I can only bring myself to think that he did so with an average score.

Now, I did say that this info came from a 2019 interview, when the Tsurune anime was already over. But they weren’t really what shaped my opinion on Yamamura regarding his direction. It was the anime itself. But this interview served to confirm something I had already noticed from his tragectory to series direction: with him being in the studio for so long and having worked on so many titles, it was weird to me that he was rarely an episode director in comparison to key animation and in-betweening. Episode direction is a step that I consider crucial for one to become either series director, animation supervisor or series composer. I do know that quite a few directors take just as long as he did or even longer to debut and actually do thrive in the end, but observing Yamamura’s work always gave me the impression that he was better off following decisions made by someone else rather than making his own.

Yamamura also loses points with me in that he’s backed up within the company by Kawanami Eisaku, another director who doesn’t get rave reviews on his works. He’s the one who replaced Utsumi Hiroko after she migrated to Mappa, and ever since he took over the Free! franchise, its sales decreased to less than 1/3 of each of the first two seasons separately. I personally don’t like that he seems to look down on Utsumi despite his lack of success in inheriting her legacy, but leaving this aside and focusing only on his skills, I’m not fond of directors who opt for simplistic approaches in general. I think animation is a medium that should be used to amplify the appeal of the source material, not water it down. It also feels like these kinds of directors are always trying to play safe, which (they don’t seem to realize) goes against the audience’s expectations and kills the hype. It strikes me as cowardly, to be frank. I also don’t like when they ignore what the characters had been building up and simply retool them to their own tastes. I was praying that Yamamura would be different from this bad example, but turns out he was actually worse.

I got a really bad feeling when the anime PVs of Tsurune were released. My very first impression was that Yamamura was still too much of a beginner and he wouldn’t be able to make Tsurune into a successful anime. I know this might seem like an exaggeration, but here’s the thing: ever since KyoAni started making its own titles, I’d never seen lack of hype for their upcoming works. Ever.

Until Tsurune.

Every time a PV of a KyoAni show comes out, people go crazy. It’s not always a frenzy like it was with Free! in its heyday or Violet Evergarden when the novel commercials were the only pieces of animation we had of it, but there’s usually lots of debate and speculations going on. With Tsurune, almost no one cared. You’d see next to nobody talking about it save from a few people on Reddit. And honestly, why should they bother? It didn’t seem promising at all. Didn’t show much of the characters or the story’s premise, didn’t highlight any particularly interest aspect of the plot and didn’t leave any impression animation-wise. It was very bland, to say the least. Unfortunately, so was the anime series.

It might be blunt of me, but my overall evaluation of Tsurune is that it was a really boring show. Nearly all elements that made the story and characters interesting were either taken out or squeezed into a cookie cutter mold, cliche version of what they looked like they were going to be at first but turned out not to be in the novel. And I say this because one of the things that make Tsurune a good novel is how it turns stereotypes upside-down. It introduces the readers into what seems like is going to be a typical sports shounen and starts out describing the character archetypes in the most common ways possible and puts them in the most common situations possible, then it reverses them all. That’s what’s most charismatic about the books. It’s what incites actual character development and gives us different sides of each relationship, yet the anime makes no use of it.

The anime also hardly makes any use of all the mystic, Zen and lowkey folklore-ish veils of the novel, which are supposed to add up to the archery elements. The Zen part is actually essential since Japanese archery is fundamentally a Zen form of art. Yes, art. Japanese archery is, in fact, not a sport. This is one of the aspects that elevate Tsurune above other works of the sports genre: it’s only categorized as such because it can’t fit anywhere else, but it’s not really a sports novel. That could have elevated the anime to the same status too, if only the studio hadn’t treated it like a sports one. But they made that mistake.

Still, I think the biggest sin in this adaptation was to try to cling to tropes that are considered successful and ignoring the characters’ personalities, which didn’t match these tropes at all, resulting in both characters and bonds being utterly destroyed and the flow of the story slowing down to a slug pace. By the second half of the anime, literally either nothing interesting happens or the things that were supposed to be interesting don’t hold the audience’s attention enough, which the animators attempt to cover up with queerbait. Everything is so tediously predictable that I’ve seen countless comments from the Japanese side of the fandom about how similar the Tsurune anime was to Free! and how “KyoAni only ever makes male characters like that, don’t they”. They were referring to Seiya and his weird jealousy, by the way. Even first-timers could tell that the characterization was a disaster.

The sad thing is, they were right. The Tsurune anime really did feel highkey like a Free! copycat in the characterization department. The main character is always getting swung about by everyone around him. The best friend is very clearly co-dependent. The deuteragonist is revealed to be bitter because of a deceased relative and is an asshole to the rest of the main cast for a good portion of the series. The rival from the other school is rude as hell for no reason and he’s got annoying groupies on his team who don’t exist outside of idolizing him. There are only four female characters and they have almost no screen time. And the list goes on.

As for the animation itself, I would like to say that it was perfect, but what really rang the alarm in my head was the many beginner mistakes so evident here and there, such as missing frames, the opening theme starting out of nowhere, the colors of the background often being too bland, lack of movement or scenes where the characters are too static, etc. I shit you not that when I saw the title splashing onto the screen all of a sudden in the initial ten seconds of episode one, the first thing I thought was, “This won’t sell well”. Sure enough, it didn’t.

So there you have it. I didn’t like the show. The only things I enjoyed were the archery scenes and the soundtrack. The rest simply didn’t do justice to the original work. I hope this summary has explained why, but if you want more info on it, maybe visit my Tsurune tag. You’ll find me elaborating more on particular topics in response to similar asks. Or you can send me other questions if you feel like.

That’s it!

#tsurune #how cool is it that i finished just in time for the anime's anniversary lol

[funkymbtifiction]

I read somewhere on this account that you loved the novel “Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell” by Susannah Clarke and described it as (I’m paraphrasing) “the most Ne novel ever.” I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this book! I had to read it a few times to really wrap my head around it, but I absolutely love it and wish there were many more like it! What did you find so “Ne” about it? The multiplicity of characters? The footnotes? I would be very interested in what types you think the main characters are. It seems like Mr. Norrell must have some Se/Si and Ni because he’s so devoted to his books and physical comforts and he’s so intent on a single future for himself (that he’s the only magician). Jonathan Strange surely has a lot of Ne in him because he completely bypasses the “rules” of magic and figures out solutions to problems no one has even thought of yet. Also, have you seen the miniseries? I quite enjoyed it, though necessarily it left out a lot of the book’s complexities. The casting seemed spot-on to me - Mr. Norrell and Jonathan Strange were perfect! Arabella was lovely, Stephen was appropriately noble, and Childermass (one of my favorite book characters) was nicely mysterious. I would have liked the “man with the thistledown hair” to be scarier, but the actor did a pretty good job making him seem otherworldly. Really my only complaint is that they should have used more episodes so that they could slow down and really sink into the story. Anyway, I thought this might be a fun topic for you!

It is a fun topic, so thanks for bringing it up. :)

I have indeed seen the miniseries (and bought it, I loved it so much) and typed all the main characters. To be honest, I saw the miniseries first and then read the book because I couldn’t stand waiting all week to find out what would happen next. (I signed up for the book when it first came out from the library, took one look at it’s enormous page count and NOPED my way out of there, then  went back later and read it a couple of times.) I also liked the casting and thought the two lead characters were spectacular -- I would have liked a different Gentleman, though. I just never have liked Marc Warren. (Sorry, fans. But think what someone like J.J. Fields could have done with it.)

The reason the book is Ne is twofold -- first, if you read interviews with the author, she didn’t write it linearly -- she got vague ideas in her mind and wrote that scene, then put it away; then wrote another scene with the characters, until she had a piecemeal of different incidents and various numerous characters, and then she decided she needed to string it together cohesively and wrote in-between pieces to link it into the semblance of a linear story -- but in reality, it was her filling in between the blanks of scenes she had already written -- a kind of reverse-engineering of a novel. (This is also probably why it took her 10+ years to finish it, because she couldn’t stay focused on it very long -- a 7w6 perhaps? ;).

Not all Ne-dom authors write this way (I don’t; I write from beginning to end and never cheat myself by ‘skipping’ ahead to write a scene I’m looking forward to later, because I know by the time I get there, it may have changed shape) but the floating between ideas is very Ne, plus she never went back and eliminated anything -- she had no heart to edit it down, to bring out a stronger central plot, to take out side characters, etc. High Ne’s tend to just go wherever the mood and ideas takes them and unless they are careful and willing to severely edit later, they wind up with 40 main characters and 15 subplots (see: George RR Martin, Charles Dickens, Victor Hugo, Suzannah Clarke, etc).

Then there’s the nature of her book itself -- that is pure Ne, taking something fairly recognizable (in her case, magic, the Regency period, and a Terry Pratchett-esque sense of humor with the sarcastic footnotes) and throwing it in a mental blender and turning out something unique to herself but also unique in the genre -- a fantasy revisionist novel up to its elbows in snarky observations that people have compared to Jane Austen, if she had written a madcap magical adventure in which Jonathan Strange can defeat Napoleon with mud monsters. It’s an enjoyable read but very long (again, Ne... there’s nothing not-verbose about it) and complicated, with tons of characters and a rambling narrative. IE, pure Ne-dom (and likely a lot of 7w6 in the author, given the “cheek”).

#question #jonathan strange and mr norrell #writing