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golbrocklovely · 2 years

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I think you are softly spoken - quiet even - until you're around people you're super comfortable with. Then i think you can get a little louder, but not by much. I get the impression that you go out of your way to listen intently to whomever is speaking and you dont interrupt them while they're are speaking. I think you treat people the way you wished you had been treated. Accent? I keep thinking of you as an east coast person. Not a strong Boston type accent or anything. But you would sound different from my Wisconsin accent. Appearance? Maybe a deep mahogany or chestnut hair colour with some waves, maybe deep brown eyes, a quick but shy smile that you try to cover up. I think you're very, very slow to anger, but once you are, it's like a firecracker. It may blow up and make a terrific momentary show but it fizzles out very quickly and you regain your chill. I think you're of short to average height, slightly curvy build but you think youre overweight because of what society or perhaps people surrounding you growing up have made you believe. I think youre the friend to everyone when they need it, but are also the friend that gets left out. I think it takes a lot for you to end any friendship because you forgive easily even if you dont forget. You give chance after chance after chance until you hit that limit. Have I got anything right?

damn… do you know me irl lol

you got a lot right, i'll give you that. but i'll clarify a couple things haha

i am quiet, i guess, to some extent. i think i'm more calculated in what i say depending on the situation. but you are right that around new ppl i'm quiet and then with ppl i'm more comfortable with i'm loud.

i do talk over ppl and sometimes i don't pay attention, but i think that's bc of my undiagnosed (but trying to get diagnosed) adhd. i have about 1000 thoughts going thru my head at any given time so sometimes i just spit stuff out in the moment bc otherwise i'll forget it (bc i also have the memory of a spoon sometimes). that's why i do well when i write. i'm able to get everything out that i want to say.

i am from the east coast, i live near philly. so i do wonder what my accent would sound like to someone that isn't from around here. hell there are ppl that are around me that have THICK fucking accents to me so i can only imagine what mine might sound like. i think mine is also a bit different bc i did theater so i overenunciate sometimes.

i do have brown hair, probably in between those two colors, but… my eyes are hazel. but they read as brown so i guess you're kinda right haha

slow to anger… debatable. i think it depends on what's happening, whether or not i'm feeling good, and the subject. i do get annoyed very easily. it takes little to nothing to annoy me lol angry tho? hit or miss.

i am short, and i am overweight. i think i wear my weight well tho.

and i'm just gonna rant about this for like two seconds so ignore this if you wanna. i got to my heaviest in college, and i was a size 18. i have since lost a decent amount of weight, and now i'm in between what i was in high school and what i was in college. tell me how i went UP a pant size and i'm now a 20. i'm like…….. did the sizing change bc i literally didn't buy clothes for a year or two??????? but something like this has happened to me before too. back when i was in middle school/hs i lost 40 lbs during the summer but i remember measuring my thighs and they got BIGGER. and that happens now anytime i lose weight. my thighs will get bigger. i dONT NEED BIGGER THIGHS ! okay sorry about that lmao

so back to your ask, i would say the last bit is definitely true, and funny enough i've never ended a friendship. ppl just… stop talking to me. so, that's usually when i get the hint that they don't want to be friends anymore. which is infuriating for a number of reasons. i would much rather someone just tell me to my face that they don't want to be friends anymore than ghost me into oblivion. like, while it would hurt for someone to tell me they don't want to be friends, at least it doesn't leave as many "what ifs" as ghosting, which i fucking HATE. i've also learned within the last couple years that i'm not gonna beg someone to be my friend. that's dumb, and we're all too old to play games like that.

ffs, i'm 27. you either vibe with the fact that i like twilight and the jonas brothers a lot or you don't lol it's not that complicated.

#ask #personal

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ben-wisehart · 3 years

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1/? Thank you so much for your detailed and fast meta-response! You’re truly amazing and gave me more answers than I expected. The thing I’m getting at is, MXTX presumably writes her ships the way that they’re supposed to be the one and only for each other. She even makes them stay virgins till they can be with their partners. And while I absolutely do believe in making soulmates I also believe that there are people who are much more compatible than others.

Following on from this. More Bingqiu ramblings under the cut

2/? Hualian and Wangxian are very compatible personality-wise and their whole relationship isn’t based only on acts of kindness. Or take Mo Ran. CWN reminds him of a past kindness and his mother so he chooses him as his Shizun. That choice is Mo Ran’s. One part why he likes him is that he’s reminded of a kind home but the other is that he genuinely likes and appreciates his personality. You won’t get this with other people or Shizuns he migh have otherwise chosen.

3/? The same goes for Wangxian and Hualian—they see their partner and appreciate what they see. You say that LWJ might fall in love with another troublemaker but that’s some personal characteristics he might find attractive personally but in comparison LBH seems just like a blind man desperately reaching for any kindness from a father figure. That’s what I don’t like about this ship. And it hurts me because I actually like it so much. Yeah, maybe I am a hopeless romantic but look

4/? Wangxian got infatuated with eo because of their personal qualities, remained by eo’s side because of their choices and stayed together because of their compatibility and appreciation for eo. Same goes for Ranwan. With Bingqiu if you think about it, LBH only saw hero worship, which turned into desperate yearning for love from said father figure but you could literally replace SQQ with whomever else no matter what personality or how (in)compatible & I guess that’s why I find this frustrating.

5/? I genuinely think that you couldn’t just replace one partner from other aforementioned ships and they’d just another partner the same way. From SQQ’s part the choice to stay by LBH’s side is because he genuinely sees who LBH is but LBH doesn’t see him, not because of identity reveal but because he just needs someone-anyone to cling onto and I find that sad, mainly for SQQ. It’s something like a puppy

7/? 7/? You take it home and give it shelter and it loves you unconditionally and would love anyone else who’d do the same for it. And I think that in any relationship the most important part is that: "I see you and I appreciate you," which Bingqiu one-sidedly lacks.

8/END Sorry about my terribly long rant and thank you for letting me air my grievances in your askbox. Idk if you’re on twitter as well but ever since my friend introduced me to your meta and fics I come and check out if you’ve posted something new from time to time as I don’t have an account here. So thanks for being awesome!

9/REAL END I forgot to say thank you for your reddit meta links, I'll look forward to checking them out 😊!

Lmao anon you’re killing me, I read these asks at like half past midnight when I was unable to sleep from a caffeine high, spent the next half hour thinking about it and then finally took out my laptop again to start writing a reply at 1am

Okay, so. I don’t know that there’s gonna be some...singular thing I can point out that will make you suddenly like Bingqiu as much as the other ships you’ve mentioned? We all have our preferences and that’s fine. But I also don’t think that’s what you’re asking me to do anyway, so I’m just gonna reply with my thoughts.

I think I understand where you’re coming from a bit better now, and I do understand how MXTX writes relationships in the “one true love” sense. To be honest, I think she probably wouldn’t agree with me saying that her other MLs could just as easily have fallen in love with other people, but ultimately, I disagree with the notion that there is one person out there who is the “right” person for us to be with. I don’t want to rehash any point I’ve already made, so I’ll leave it at that. I don’t think you’re wrong, however, in saying that of course some people can be more suited for us than others.

I think the reason Bingqiu suffers more from this perception you’ve mentioned, that SQQ could be interchangeable with another person without really changing Binghe’s dynamic on his end, is probably due to a couple of factors. Firstly, even though all three MXTX pairings meet when at least one of them is a child, Binghe is unique in that he was both a child and was practically raised by SQQ during his formative years. (The whole parental dynamic and age gap is something for another essay I don’t feel like writing, so I’ll just leave it at that.) Binghe is kind of fucked up due to his trauma and has pretty much built his entire identity around loving Shen Qingqiu. Everything he does in this novel, he does because of him in one way or another. We can argue about the fact that it’s unhealthy but it is what it is.

Secondly, Scum Villain is a shorter novel. It’s also MXTX’s first novel, and it’s largely a parody of danmei, transmigration and stallion novels. MDZS, TGCF and 2HA have a lot of conflict in them that isn’t directly related to the main couple, whereas in Scum Villain, almost all the conflict is specifically about SQQ and LBH in some way. It has fewer chapters and the characters have less room to breathe and develop, I think. Thirdly, but also following on from this, SQQ and LBH have an outside force meddling with their relationship at every turn. SQQ isn’t perfect by any means, but I maintain that he is at his core a good person who just wants a comfortable life for himself and Binghe. However, due to factors outside his control, he’s literally being held at a proverbial gunpoint to act a certain way. Even with the OOC lock disabled, he can’t be his truest, authentic self when his survival is contingent on pleasing the System. Of course he works around it when he can, but like, when he reunites with Binghe after the Abyss, he’s literally presented with a multiple choice question on how he should answer Binghe’s question about regrets! He holds onto Binghe’s jade token for years not because he’s a sociopath that likes withholding a precious possession, but because he knows it might literally save his life if he saves it for the right moment. He’s at the mercy of the System and could get killed or tortured at any moment.

So all of this is to say that Luo Binghe doesn’t really seem to have much of a personality outside of loving Shen Qingqiu, and Shen Qingqiu has an incredibly hard time letting his personality shine through the limitations that are placed on him. Stuff for them to work out post-canon, etc. etc. etc.

But even so…it’s not like they have no personality. To use my own example that you mentioned in your ask, why is Wei Wuxian being a troublemaker a personality trait that his husband can be attracted to, but Shen Qingqiu being kind isn’t? I kind of glossed over the fact that you called kindness interchangeable in my first reply, but I strongly disagree with that sentiment. There are a million ways to be kind. Luo Binghe loves Shen Qingqiu in a way that was unfortunately influenced by his trauma and the way the System interfered in their lives, but the things he loves about him are his own. Two people can be kind, but it’s not a universal human trait. Shen Qingqiu is kind, and he’s also intelligent and bashful and a bit ridiculous. And Luo Binghe knows all of this. He is twenty-five at the end of the novel; he’s got some pretty messed up ideas about ideal relationships, but I still think we need to give him more credit than assuming he’s not capable of recognising that SQQ is a complex person with multiple personality traits. It might have started out as hero worship, but he gets to see plenty of SQQ’s true self throughout the novel even in spite of all the limitations imposed by the System. If Shen Jiu had shared all these traits, Luo Binghe might have loved him instead, but you could say that about any character in any relationship at all. If a different reader had transmigrated in SY’s place, I’m not convinced that they would have made the same choices Shen Yuan did. There are plenty of readers that would have been perfectly kind to Binghe but wouldn’t have thought to give him a new cultivation manual so he could improve his cultivation techniques in time for the Endless Abyss. There are plenty of readers that would have been perfectly kind to Binghe, but knowing he would be fine wouldn’t have thrown themselves in front of poison for him or taken a hit for him in the dream world. SQQ readily admits that doing things like this was unnecessary, but SQQ is the sort of person that when you give him a split second to make a decision, he’ll put Binghe’s safety first. Always. Even knowing that Binghe was never in any real danger. These are not the actions of a person who is only motivated by their own survival, no matter what SQQ tries to tell the audience. That’s kindness, and it’s a rare quality that shouldn’t be discounted on the basis that if someone else had done it the same way, it would have had the same effect on Binghe’s affections. You could say that about any personality trait under the sun. Maybe Binghe would have loved someone else just as badly if they’d done all this for him, but we’ll never know, because they didn’t, and Shen Qingqiu is the one Binghe loves. He has no interest in changing that. The puppy doesn’t care about all the other possibilities, and neither does the one who took it in. Their relationship is no less special for it.

Okay I’ve already fucked up my sleep schedule for the entire weekend so I’m gonna call it here. I am on twitter though! My handle is bobby_speeds. Thanks again for your questions!!

#svsss #bingqiu #meta #anonymous #hey not to sound thirsty but these posts are cropped for length not bc I don't want ppl to reblog them👀#reblogging is a choice and I don't want people to think I expect it but pls don't feel u can't just because of the readmore lol #svsss meta

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fonulyn · 3 years

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So my partner is amazing and let's me ramble about RE to them whenever I want to, and even sat down to watch Vendetta with me when I bought it, so the other day I was like explaining Leon and Chris' characters (bc my partner knows how much I love them both lmao so of course that's what I was talking about), and we have both come to the conclusion that Leon is a bisexual disaster, and Chris is a homosexual. The running joke is that Leon is also just generally a whore, out there living his best life, and Chris is the kind of gay guy who no one expects to be gay bc of stereotypes and his habit of never really talking about himself, but he also was never really in the closet about it, so he's surprised whenever people are surprised to learn that he's gay lolol but in all seriousness Leon is not only bisexual, but he's the type to fall in love easily despite all of his background and trauma related to betrayal, so his heart is almost continually broken, either bc he's betrayed or he loses whoever it is he's found himself in love with (and sometimes both i.e. Krauser, and Ada at the end of RE2), either through death or just leaving bc he knows he can't stay/can't be with whomever. As for Chris, maybe I'm reading into it wrong, but despite all of the like, romantic connotations they try to put into some of his games (which I don't. Really see? Like there was some in the first game with Jill but I just cannot see them together like that, neither seem interested in one another like that. And of course, Jessica, who I can't stand, and who Chris is supposedly totally oblivious to? Like she thinks he didn't notice her flirting in RE revelations, and Parker is like "is it that, or is he maybe interested in someone else?" And the assumption there is that he means Jill, but again, I don't see it? Even in that game! But that line of Parker's always makes me think "yeah, he's more than just interested in someone else, he's playing for a whole nother team entirely!" lmao. And I haven't seen much for 5 but I'm sure it's there between Chris and Sheva, and then for 6 from what I understand there really is hardly any talk of Chris in regards to any women at all? 8 has nothing, as well, and the DLC for 7 is just another "Chris loses his entire team in horrific fashion yet again" side plot, so nothing there either), he never seems interested. He's always focused on the task at hand, not letting emotions get in his way, and like, some could argue that that's why he doesn't show interest or why Capcom doesn't create more romantic lore around him, but if they really wanted to Make Sure he was straight and Make Sure everyone playing these games knew that, I imagine there would be some one line little hints in the games of him talking about how he can't let himself get distracted, or in his line of work there are no happy endings or what have you, but. There's none of that. Bc he isn't forcing himself not to be interested, he isn't purposefully focusing on saving the day so he doesn't have to get hurt knowing he can never have whichever high potential for a dope ass protag female character who's constantly sacrificing herself to save him bc what better purpose could they serve, right Capcom?, he's just. There, doing his job and trying to save whoever he can, not getting distracted in anyway whatsoever by any of the women in his life, romantically at least. He still cares way too much, but it never comes off as romantic to me in pretty much any way. Also the note he leaves in his STARS locker in RE2remake, Claire being like "this doesn't sound like Chris at all!" Is funny to me bc like, I don't really remember so correct me if I'm wrong, but she doesn't elaborate on WHY that note doesn't sound like Chris lmao is it bc he's respectful to women at all times and doesn't ever objectify them, probably hates when other people do? Or is it bc he would never be interested in women in this way ANYWAYS, the man is so gay, he must have left this note so that Claire would know something is Up, bc her brother is Such a homosexual.

Anyways sorry, I just wanted to ramble/get your opinion on this. Over-analysing RE is actually really fun lmao

haha not gonna lie, I opened your ask in the car on the grocery store parking lot and tried to read it on my phone, and gave up squinting at the small screen halfway through :'D now that I'm back at my laptop though, lol, all good :'D

first of all I'm happy you have someone to ramble to even though they aren't into the thing themselves! :D I regularly rant about RE fandom things to my brother haha and he listens patiently although he isn't in the fandom at all, he's only played the games and that's it. but he still listens to my shippy rambles lol.

as for your thoughts? makes sense to me tbh. I definitely headcanon Leon as a bisexual disaster most of the time, because it does seem fitting. maybe it's partly because I think he's absolutely breathtakingly stunning and it'd be a shame to deny anyone that, so, naturally he wouldn't care about such trivial things as gender, pfth, love is love.

also Leon falling in love easily? absolutely. too damn easily. c'mon this is a man who gets attached to anyone who shows him even the tiniest amount of basic kindness in the matter of minutes. he canonically forms attachments with Claire, Ada, Krauser, Helena, Buddy and JD (JD 😭)... whoever else am I forgetting? but this is the guy who meets someone and would die for them five seconds later. so. it tracks.

and you know what, I can 100% see Chris being only into men. because like. I don't see the romance there either when he's interacting with the women in his life? okay, sure, I could imagine something there between him and Jill if pressed seeing the way he so single-mindedly wants to save her and then holds her in the scene after they get that thing off her chest. maybe. but even there it doesn't really feel super romantic to me, personally.

in the first game with Jill there's not... a lot of romance I don't think? sure she falls asleep against his shoulder in the evac helicopter but i mean, i've fallen asleep against a friend like that? not an indication of romance? they're clearly important to each other! i am not trying to diminish their importance to one another at all! they'd die for each other and they'd do anything it takes to protect each other and i do think their relationship is compelling but... i don't really see anything inherently romantic in it.

and Jessica, yeah, Chris is 100% oblivious to her advances. it is implied in the game that he's into Jill instead but other than that there's again zero actual romantic interaction between Chris and Jill. I was actually talking about this with my brother, who said the same, like there were so many chances in Revelations to put something romantic in there between Chris and Jill but there just. isn't? anything? except for Parker's comment. which is why it felt so damn out of place? (and like my brother would've wanted to ship Chris and Jill, he was kinda bummed about this i feel :'D) so interpreting it to mean he's not interested in women at all would actually make more sense lmao.

as for RE5, I've played it twice (with my brother lmao do we see a theme here) and honestly I don't remember anything in the game that would've insinuated anything more than solid partnership between Chris and Sheva?? if someone who's more familiar with the game wants to correct me on this, then please! but at least off the bat I can not remember anything so I think they actually didn't try to even hint at romance for them?

and in RE6 Chris is way too focused on killing "Ada" to have any thoughts about anything else :'D so no. no mentions in there regarding him and any women. at all. not even hints of Jill which is so incredibly weird (and stupid tbh) bc she was made to be so important to him in RE5 and then doesn't even get a mention in RE6? (/shakes fist damn you capcom! the characters exist outside the games they're in!)

I think that's pretty much the main difference between Chris and Leon tbh. Chris sees the job at hand, and he knows it'll help, he knows it'll save people and it'll make the world safer and he's so single-mindedly focused on the job that he sees nothing else. while Leon sees people, for the better or for worse, and he is willing to take detours if it helps even one person in the meantime. like in RE6, Leon willingly ignores the task at hand to go help just about anyone. Chris doesn't want to pause even when pressed bc he has an end goal in mind.

and bear in mind, I am not trying to say this somehow makes Leon better or Chris better or anything. they're both doing this to help. they both have their heart in the right place. they both care. but they're just so different! their personalities, and their way of dealing with things is different! I feel Chris is really target oriented and wants to get the job done. while Leon's easily distracted from it, because of all the damn feelings :'D

but yeah. i love them both, and i think it's really damn fascinating how they're both the good guys, the heroes of the franchise, but they both take to things so differently.

i don't know if any of this makes sense, I think i rambled too :'D but hey-o, it was fun lmao.

and hey no need to apologize at all!! always feel free to shoot me a message if you wanna chat!

#re answers #anonymous #ask and i shall answer #chris redfield #leon s kennedy #also i know #this is all headcanoning and my subjective opinion #so feel free to disagree #on anything :3 #and everything lmao :'D #long post

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randomdash · 3 years

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My long Ass Random Kravis Rant

I loved Kourtney and Travis in the beginning, and now I find them so trashy and repulsive. There, I said it. Their PDA is so overwhelming that it makes me cringe and uncomfortable to see—I think they like this factor, making others uncomfortable.

I was a Blink fan back in the day, not major. Not having seen Travis Barker in a while made me look him up to see what he’s been up to. I went back and reread his book, and I watched Meet the Barkers on YouTube; I never watched the show on MTV. I thought the show was okay. It’s pre-Kardashian reality TV. I remember hearing a buzz about the show even if I didn’t watch it because it was shocking that the dude whose voice you never heard was having a reality TV show. He was the member of Blink who spoke the least.

Travis is the same attention-seeking guy (he openly admits he loves being on reality TV and was trying to get a new show with his kids recently). He’s the same very affectionate PDA-heavy type that he was back then. In the very first episode of Meet the Barkers, you see Travis on top of his wife, dry humping her on a pool table in public while being filmed. In the next few scenes, you see them making out on the side of a red carpet event while his other band members are being interviewed. Then Shanna rubbed his back and hugged him, holding him in her arms, almost to console him with affection. Nothing is wrong with this, but it’s like he loves affection all the time. It seems too tiresome to me. Maybe it’s his coping mechanism?

Not to be ungrateful to those who like it, but my husband is also very affectionate, and I am just not as affectionate as I’d like to be, so we have healthy bounds we set for each other, so both our needs are met, including me needing my space sometimes. Still, my husband is getting that affection he desires. I would be so overwhelmed by a guy like Travis, though. He seems fun for a one-night stand but long-term? I don’t know how Kourtney does it. Obviously, she loves him, and it’s her thing, but I thank goodness I don’t have to deal with someone that affectionate all the time. All the constant touching would drive me crazy. Sheesh!

Get back for a minute, let me breathe. For me, less is more meaningful and passionate.

That’s why we live in a world where people are different. I get it. Maybe I’m a prude and am the only one in the world feeling this way?

Back to the Meet The Barkers, there is a moment where Travis and Shanna are getting their marriage license, and Travis wants to run his fingers through her hair multiple times from root to tip, all while he is on his phone, mind you. They make out, and he rubs her boobs and her ass as they are waiting in line as if he just cannot wait for the sex he can get at home or even in the car.

You can go home to do all that, but you don’t because that’s you’re thing, right? Being so touchy-feely in public. That’s cool, I guess.

This PDA was making the wedding license guy so uncomfortable. Travis didn’t seem to care, and Shanna seemed like she was on the fence. This extreme PDA is his thing.

As far as the PDA, whomever Travis is dating, he will do this with. Kourtney should not feel special by him being this way with her, but more so expect it from him. It’s his personality. I’m happy for her if this is the first time she is experiencing such affection and if she is the type that likes it. Good for her, if this is what she wants and she is happy.

Kourtney spent many years being unhappy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Kourtney and Scott were so toxic, and many of us were fooled by how good they looked together.

The new mirage is Kourtney and Travis are so happy and in love and perfect in comparison because we see all this extreme PDA engagement from Kourtney that we have never seen before, I think not.

I’m happy for Kourtney if she is happy. Change is good, and I think both she and Scott are damaged and toxic people together. Just because they were together all that time 10+ years, with kids, doesn’t mean they have to be together.

We see a new Kourtney getting everything she never did with Scott, but her and Travis's relationship is presented in such an extreme, in your face, fashion that it doesn’t feel authentic all the time. You read Travis’s book, and he describes all the PDA and sex that he loved to have in great detail. He said he and Paris Hilton had a thing that he couldn’t work out because they didn’t have good sexual chemistry. It seems like this man has slept with everyone. In his book, he mentioned girls would show up at his door and just knock, and he’d let them in for a good time in the earlier Blink days.

Is it the rockstar life, or is it the sex addict life? Both? Kourtney has had her share of dating around too. Remember Miami season 1 Kourtney wilding out or hanging out with Kendall’s younger friends after Scott? People have probably signed NDA’s left and right on both Kourtney and Travis’ sides. Think of all the hookups we don’t even know about.

I bring all this up because Kourtney is with Travis now, and they have blended their families. They are neighbors. It’s a serious situation. I worry for Kourtney. I know she doesn’t care or need me to worry for her, but she’s been morphing into someone else. Travis Barker is the same, but Kourtney is not. She has changed her ways so much that her sister and Mom are defending her behavior, saying her PDA with Travis is cute and this and that. They are a little older to be coming across as cute, in my opinion. At the same time, I’m sure Kourtney’s family just wants to see her happy after the dead-end of Scott.

Kourtney will make her own decisions. It’s her life, and all we can do is just look on and let her live, but as someone concerned about her during the show's filming through the years, I worry how much she has changed herself while she has been with Travis. At what point do you feel so engulfed with someone that you lose yourself?

He has you feeling good but do you really feel good?

How does a photo OP of making out in the bathroom improve yourself? You know you are being photographed, so how does straddling your man in public with your thong showing through your butt cheeks and skirt help your relationship? Does doing these things make a person happier? Does it prove you ARE happier? After all, you cannot help yourself because you’re so in love? Is that it? Are you coming on to your boyfriend because you’re afraid you will lose him if you don’t? Have you always been this way, but you were holding back?

All the questions that will never get answered.

In Travis’s book, he claims to have had the best sexual chemistry ever with his ex-wife Shanna. On their honeymoon, they were breaking into places to have sex. First, who does that? Second, does that weigh on Kourtney? Has she read his book, I wonder? Shanna was around Travis as recent as during the beginning of the pandemic. Does knowing his ex’s history make Kourtney insecure? Why the change in Kourt? If Kourtney doesn’t jump on Travis in public, laying on him or straddling him, or touching tongues in front of others….will he think less of her? Or is Kourtney just that in love?

To be honest, Kourtney seemed a little uncomfortable lately. That smile in the bathroom video looked a little fake to me and hard to watch awkward, but who am I?

I am no one but an anonymous person on a blog. Maybe I am a bit too conservative for someone in their thirties? Perhaps it’s not that deep, and I’m looking too close. Again, this is just my opinion, and I’m not trying to come off as a hater, so sorry if I have. I’m merely just observing what I have noticed through the years. I think the old Kourtney would have things to say to this new version of Kourtney. And that word rhymes with Slore. Respectfully, I’ll try to keep an open mind in the future. For now, I’m going to go outside and touch some grass.

#kravis

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loverabbitss · 3 years

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Bury Me In Bliss (Prt 1)

Y/N P.O.V.

I grew more and more upset with hearing my husband rant about how the resort we were staying at didn't have shrimp cocktails. Mind you we were on our honeymoon so all I wanted to do was relax and enjoy ourselves. But all that I have experienced has been him doing work as if he isn't on vacation and him complaining. It had me wondering if I had made the wrong decision, but I loved him dearly.

"I'm going to the pool to relax babe." I announce to him as I gather my things into my bag.

"mmhm yeah baby enjoy" he responds without even looking up from his laptop.

I glance at him after I've finished making my bag. He didn't even flinch to try to come with me; I roll my eyes. Work seems more important to him then our relationship, whatever, I just needed to get away from this atmosphere.

Walking out of the hotel suite we shared I feel the breeze of the nearby ocean hit me as I decide to take the stairs today. It gave me time to really experience life and indulge myself in it. Once I make it downstairs passing by the front desk the clerk greets me telling me to have a nice day. I smile thanking her as I set out to the pool.

As I start walking I find that I can't find my way to the pool even though I was following signs. I make a turn going into a secluded walk way covered by walls of wild flowers on each side. I stop pulling out a pamphlet I packed in my bag before I left our room. From where my location was it seems I wasn't far from the resort's pool. Without realizing it I was unconsciously walking and reading. However, soon I bumped into something or someone.

"Omg I'm so sorry" I quickly try to apologize glancing up.

"Are you lost babygirl?" She says.

Oh I was lost alright. I was lost for words, sentences, even a simple smile to be polite couldn't be conjured up. She looked like someone out of a movie, someone you wouldn't normally see in real life. Her jet black shiny hair flown down her back as beautiful tattoos dawned her arms. She wore a white bottom skirt and a black bikini top that her big breasts toppled over in. I had to snap myself out of my thoughts before I looked more weird just mesmerizing her.

"N-no I'm good thank you" I respond looking to the ground to avoid those strong brown eyes that seems to swallow me whole.

I look back to see if anyone is behind me because this walk way was pretty small and seemed to be an area that people would come through or at least for my bikini bottom's I hope so. Turning back around I prepare to scurry off to my destination, but when I look she is no where to be found. It was as if she was never there, more of a figment of my imagination. I chuckle softly to myself before continuing on my way.

Once I make it to the pool I smile at seeing families playing having fun doing, couples enjoying one another, and then there's me. I was all alone on a honeymoon that was supposed to be spent with my workaholic husband. Laying down one of the lounge chairs I find the prefect shaded areas. After prepping my areas I lean back with my glasses on reading. Lover's Delight, was the perfect book, two lovers from totally different background find love between a rock and a hard place. Oh and it surely helped that the intimate scenes were very detailed.

I got lost in the book and didn't realize it was time for the pool to close. How didn't I hear the sound of splashing and laughter diminish. Looking around there was only about two crew members cleaning one of which had yell out to me about them closing soon. I get up packing up sighing, it had turned dark outside so the resort had tikis lite around almost every area.

The sound of the waves from the ocean front that wasn't too far was so soothing. I was in paradise and yet my mind still wondered to that beautiful women whose accent sent chills down my spine. I shouldn't have such a reaction towards her, when I've never met or seen her a day in my life. My daydream was broken by a shuffling sound that raised the hairs on my skin and gave me goosebumps. I was by myself, stupid Y/N.

I started to speed walk as the sound got louder. Once I turned a corner there stood two big buff dudes that looked like security guards and a shorter dude in the middle. He was covered in a nice designer silk shirt with black slacks on with a tooth pick leaning out mouth. He reeked of coach cologne, which I only knew because that's what I bought my husband for his present, My husband! My mind switched thinking what he must've been thinking where I was especially by this time.

"Your going to need to come with us ma'am" his rasp thick voice cut my ears.

I clear my throat fear seeping into my bones.

"No, I have to get back to my husband. So if you will excuse me" I say as I try to walk around them, but then am blocked.

"I wouldn't refuse if I were you. See we've talked to your husband already he doesn't mind one bit for you to come speak to my niece." He responds walking closer to me.

"Your niece? Why would I want to speak to her?" I ask backing away slowly.

"Well it's not so much you wanna speak to her as she really wants to speak to you. Which I can see why" He responds reaching his hand out to me.

I look down at it, it seemed to be my only ticket out of this seeing as my prick of a husband allowed for this to happen. A divorce was so going to be in the works for sure. It all happened so fast, accepting his offer they whisked me away someplace unknown. But oh boy was it beautiful, light shined bright on the outside making the golden beige walls show. Gorgeous bright flowers spread across the land, which could have been easily an acre or two. We pull up to the brick covered curved drive way, one of the buff guards helped me out.

"Welcome home" The persistent uncle laid his hand out to the house.

I raise my eyebrow shaking my head.

"I have a home already and this isn't it" I slightly bark at him.

The smug look on his face spoke volumes about how he didn't like my remark. I could tell my defiance against wanting to come was eating at him by the shift in his demeanor. Instead of responding he just walks away and the buff securities give me a light push to follow.

Soon a man with more guards comes rushing towards him. Geez are they all buff here. This man looked totally different from the uncle. His skin wasn't covered in tattoos and compared to the uncle's olive complexion he was much paler almost as if the sun completely forgot about him. Clear glasses sat upon his button nose and he looked flushed or anxious to speak to the uncle.

"Sir D'Angelo, your niece has been waiting your arrival. She's been getting very upset since you left." He says as he walks along side the uncle or Sir D'Angelo I should say.

He sighs heavily.

"I apologize, I had trouble getting whomever this is to her to come along." He scoffs.

"Nothing, I'm nothing to her." I call out rolling my eyes.

It was bad enough I had to be here despite my stupid husband agreeing to this whole ordeal, but then I had to here this guy's mouth? Yeah no.

The two men started to drift off into a conversation about what seemed to be family matters. From what I picked up by listening is that this niece of his was the next in charge since her father has passed and apparently she is quite the talk of a lot of people. Apparently not though because I've never heard of her.

We arrive at the front door and the securities make quick work of opening the doors for the three of us. If the outside wasn't impressive then the inside stole the show. Antiques, expensive cloths, and delicate furniture surrounded the parts of the house that I saw.

"Ahh my guest has arrived" I hear a thick familiar accent, it can't be.

There's no way it was her, she was just a figment of my imagination. The way she disappear earlier was too fast for even me. I turn towards the direction of her voice and there she was, she was real. Clad in a black and gold silk button up that had two buttons loose to showcase her chest with white pants that made the shirt the main event she stood tall. She easily hovered over me and as she walked up a smirk covered her face.

"Hey there babygirl" she spoke again.

There goes that word again, that word that sent chills down my spine. Her coming closer to me took me out of my gawking stare with her. She smelt of a Acqua di Gioia.

"Hello" I respond shyly focusing my eyes on something else anything really that wasn't her.

"Thank you for bringing her uncle. I begin to worry you had gotten lost old man" she smiles joking.

He lets out a big chuckle, and for the first time since I met him he smiled.

"You picked a tough one Gaia, good luck my love. I'll see you in the morning." He waves his good bye going to the other side of the house with a cigar now burning in his mouth.

"Picked? Picked me for what?" I asked now snapping my eyes to her.

"You need not worry about that, come let me show you to where you will be staying" she responds grabbing my waist walking me towards a dim lit hallway.

Wine colored drapes covered the walls as family pictures were posted on them. I was so taken back by this whole place that the fact that all these people were strangers and I was staying in a house with them hadn't crossed my mind yet. Being in her embrace as she walked me to what I assumed was going to be my room chilled me. Her grip on my waist enticed something in me, something that made me wet.

"Here's were you will be staying" she said as she opened a big brown door.

Inside was a bed covered in black cotton sheets, tile that had designs all on them, a big window that led to a balcony with a view of the ocean, and dressers & night stands. It was beautiful, but it seemed like someone already stayed in the room even as it was made up.

"I'm not sleeping anywhere until I'm told why I'm here" I persisted turning around towards her.

Her smile turned into a frown and right there I wanted to kiss her, no you don't your married remember? Oh yeah

"I don't want you to have to worry your pretty self about that. I'll tell you everything in the morning I promise." She walks over to me bringing me into her by my waist.

"Whatever, fine" it was the only short thing I could think of to avoid stuttering my life away.

"You can wash up in there. There's already clothes set aside in there for you." She resumes.

Yeah not creepy at all.

I place my things down in a nearby chair, then goes into the bathroom. The all white bathroom was a completely different look than what I had seen of the house so far. The shower completely covered the wall and the doors were glass meaning anyone could see through them, the tub was in another corner and was big enough for at least four people. The counter had two sinks and a full wall length mirror.

"This whole house is big" I say to myself.

I start the bathtub because there was no way in hell I was taking the chance of someone walking in on me while I was in the shower. I was confident in my body but not that confident. Once the tub was filled I stripped getting in the warm water enveloped me hugging every particle of my body.

As relaxing as the bath was I had to leave it. I got out drying off, draining the tub, and changing into the pajamas that were set for me. They were light blue panties with a button up top and shorts. Once I finished I walked out to find Gaia in the bed reading dressed in a similar pajama set like mine, but it was black and the bottoms were long. I noticed a slight bump towards the top but ignored it thinking it was an bubble from the pajamas being too big.

"Uh are you in here to tell me goodnight?" I asked slowly walking over to the bed.

"No, this is our bed, our room, our bathroom" she responds patting the spot next to her.

"Our? I'm married. The only ours I know is with my husband" I say standing by the ottoman at the end of the bed.

"Yes yes, the workaholic husband who is too busy all the time to attend to your needs. Tell me Y/N when was the last time that you busted?" A coy look crossed her face and her hazel eyes buried into my brown ones.

I could feel the tension in the room build and the wave in my stomach starting to flow. I twisted my head side ways slightly in a questioning matter.

"First off, how do you know my name? Secondly, why does it matter when's the last time I busted? It's none of your business" I responded.

Her lips curl into a smirk and she raises her eyebrows.

"Oh I know everything about you my darling. But what I don't know is how you seem satisfied with someone who barely pays you any mind. Someone who flew you cross countries just to stare at him laptop all day and he on work conferences." She says coming closer across the bed to me.

I unconsciously move backwards.

"He is a busy man, he is the boss he has to know everything. I get my needs the way I have to." My breathe hitches when she comes chest to chest with me with my back against the wall.

Her soft hand comes up to my chin lifting my head up towards her. Yeah she easily towered over me.

"How's that?" She husked out.

I was speechless. Her eyes were scanning every bit of my face searching for a response and when my mouth was agape she chuckled slightly.

"See babygirl I can treat you so much better I can learn how your body reacts to my touch" she leans into my ear and her breathe makes goosebumps cover my skin.

Her hands roam my body making me twitch some. She shouldn't have this effect on me especially because I'm married to my husband no matter how inconsiderate and stupid he can be sometimes. Breaking me out of my thought was the feeling of her hand caressing my thigh.

"No no, this is wrong. I'm married I love him dearly and I shouldn't be doing this." I push her back slightly, which didn't work because she was stronger than me.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that?" She looks down at me moving back some.

"I don't have to convince myself of something I know. Now if you excuse me I have to get back to my hotel." I refused to stay and get tempted by this oh so beautiful woman who at the moment I was ready to risk it all for.

Before I could reach to grab my bag she grabbed my arm spinning me back around into her. Her arms entrapped me in her embrace against her. Even after showering she smelled amazing like a rose garden.

"Your not going anywhere especially this dark and this far from your resort. Just stay and I'll show you what I have to offer." She said with a slight dominance sticking to her voice.

"Fine, but I'm leaving first thing in the morning" I respond wiggling out of her grip and over to I guess my side of the bed.

"Yeah we will se about that" she says going to her side.

We both get in, me scooted all the way to the edge of my side and her closer to the middle. She huffs seeing me turned away from her but besides to leave it be as it was so late.

*next morning*

The morning soon comes and when I wake up. I hear gurgles and moans, there's no way she is having sex in this room while I'm in it. I turn to see the bed empty and at the end of it the sight is shocking yet such a turn on. She was getting sucked off by some maid she must've had.

Her small grunts could be heard, but me shuffling in the bed made her look up towards me and put on a show. She started face fucking the girl who was enjoying being used as a example I guess.

"This could be you. I'd be much more gentle though and I have a feeling you'd enjoy this." She says picking up her pace fucking the girl's throat deeper.

I look at her raising my eyebrows to not give away the fact that she was right. I'd love for it to be me.

"You think using her as an example is going to turn me on or make me change my mind? I'm still going back to the resort, so you might as well save it." I reply getting out of the bed heading to the bathroom.

I freshen up brushing my teeth, which was really awkward considering she was face fucking some girl not to far from me and eventually came. I finished up washing my face, taking a towel I pat dried my face off. As I opened my eyes through the mirror she was looking at me with pure hunger in her eyes as she pulls up her pajama pants.

So that's what that bump was. A rod big enough to end someone up in the hospital, bigger than my husband I could tell you that. I blushed lightly covering it up with a clearance of my throat before walking out the bathroom going to grab my bag. She watches me this time and doesn't try to stop me. It was a bit disheartening because it was the opposite of what I wanted her to do.

I walk out trying to figure out where to go and stubble upon the dining area. A big wooden table was packed with breakfast; fruits, pancakes, biscuits, French toast, bacon, sausage, preservatives & jellies, coffee, juice, and tea. My mouth water and my stomach growled.

"I planned for us to eat something before we started our day. Though I expected it to begin much differently." Her addicting voice carried through the dining area.

I twitched a bit at the wetness building in my bottoms.

"No thank you. I just wanna get back to my hotel." I respond not sparing her glance.

"I would if I could darling" Gaia says.

"What do you mean? Just have the same security take me back, simple." I scrunch my face turning towards her.

"If you sit I'll explain, please Y/N. I'll feel much better when you eat." She nearly pleads.

I reluctantly sigh walking over and making a small quick plate with a cup of coffee.

"Now elaborate please." I say before popping a pineapple in my mouth.

She makes herself a hearty plate then of all the chairs at the table she sits next to me. Ironic. She leans back in the chair looking at me as if she was memorizing the way I looked.

"My family company has worked with your husband's company for years now. About a few months ago we flew in to have a meeting to introduce myself as the new head. I just so happen to see a lovely woman all hugged up on him before we all sat in the meeting room. Besides that we commenced the meeting and discovered how much work between the partnership needed to be done. So—" she stops mid story her eyes glued to my lips.

I look up at her waiting for her to finish her story.

"You've got something" Using a napkin she wipes my lip gently removing some dripping liquid from the fruits.

She clears her throat.

"Anyways, we started working on the partnership and the more we worked the more I found out about his beyond beautiful wife. I just knew I had to have you and when I found discrepancies in our partnership on his in I agreed to tarnish them if he made an agreement with me." She further explains.

"To spend time with me?" I question furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"Of course and he hesitantly agreed saying he was grateful I didn't leave the partnership." She finished then dug into her food.

I however had lost my appetite and leant back in the chair. I couldn't believe that my husband agreed to have me damn near kidnapped just to spend time with someone who I have never met in my life. My mind was swimming, I couldn't process half of the information she had just given me.

"Umm excuse me for a second" I pushed myself away from the table, this time she didn't try to stop me.

I walked back to the same room I just came from walking over to the big window opening it a bit to get some fresh air. How was I supposed to take this? How was I supposed to approach my husband after this? I needed to talk with him.

I briskly walk back to the dining area. The table had been cleared off and she still sat drinking a cup of coffee. I went over to my bag searching for my phone. Once I find it, I see that I only have 5% battery, great. No missed calls from him, not even any messages. He already knew. I felt tears fill up in my eyes as I sit down defeated, what was the point of me trying to leave?

She sunk to her knees in front of me placing her hands on my thighs.

"Hey beautiful, your to pretty to be crying" she cooed wiping my tears.

I was to distorted to try to fight back or move away. There was no point anymore.

"How long?" I ask sniffling.

"How long for what?" She tilts her head like a confused puppy.

"A week give or take. Maybe forever if you let me in and let me be what he could never be" Her eyes shine bright in the sunlight that shone through the dining area window.

"You expect me let you in after a week? Especially after you just revealing all that to me." I scoff looking off in the view.

She shakes her head.

"No, I would want you to but I know it will be difficult to" Her thick Italian accent rasps through.

"Come on I want to show you something." She stands up holding out her hand.

I hesitantly take it. She walks me to an area of the house I had not seen. It was a very dull lit area, it had a very intricate library, a wooden desk and a nice rolling chair.

"It's not much but it's where I come when I can't think. When I need to get away from all this family business bullshit." She states as she runs her hands across her desk.

"You didn't choose it did you?" I ask inquisitively.

23 notes · View notes

haosvteen · 4 years

Text

I Found You | soulmate seventeen series

a/n: this is my first traditionally written imagine i’m posting here, so i hope you like it!! i’m a little bit nervous to post, so please let me know how you like it :)

minghao x reader | soulmate seventeen

~ - fluff

word count: 3.2k

main masterlist

All you could focus on is the ticking of the clock and the tapping of your pencil on the worn-out wooden desk. No matter how hard you tried to tune into your professor’s monotone voice lecturing about string theory, your mind kept wandering elsewhere. Literally anywhere else. At first, you started thinking about why you had to take this class anyway. It didn’t have anything to do with your major, so what was the point? But as soon as that thought came, it went, and you were trying to decide where to get lunch after the unnecessarily long class ended.

Leaning down to your side and reaching into your backpack on the floor, you pulled out a brown leather-bound notebook. Running your fingers over the intricate gold designs adorning the spine, admiring the swirls and flowers, you placed it on your desk and flipped it open. Gliding your pencil across the unlined, seemingly old paper, you wrote “What do I get for lunch? My stomach is about to grumble in class”.

You run a hand through your hair with a sigh and look back up at your professor, once again trying to figure out what he is attempting to explain. One-dimensional strings? Quantum gravity? It meant nothing to you. Thankfully, Hao had been helping you almost every night. Honestly, you felt a little bad because he was trying his hardest to make it simple for you, but the content was essentially impossible to understand. Your brain just doesn’t seem to cooperate when it comes to physics.

Looking back down at the notebook below you, you received a response: “What about that pizza place you like down the street from your apartment?”. Just the thought of the greasy slice of goodness makes your stomach emit an audible grumble, causing several heads near you to turn your way, judgmental looks behind their eyes. After taking a moment to apologetically smile at them and deal with your embarrassment, you jot on the paper, “Hao, you’re a genius how do you always know what I want?”.

Almost as quickly as you finished writing your sentence, you see Hao’s handwriting appear letter by letter on the page. “It’s because I’m your soulmate, duh”. You lean your head on your hand and smile to yourself, noticing the students around you start packing up their books and leaving the room, signaling to you that class had finished.

After closing all of your books and stuffing them in your backpack, you slung a strap on your shoulder and started to make your way out of the classroom. Before you had the opportunity to escape into the hallway, your professor called to you, “Ms. Y/L/N, would you mind seeing me for a moment?”

Slowly turning around, you made your way up to the front of the classroom where he was wiping down the blackboard for the next class. It felt as if you were walking to the gallows due to the tone of his beckoning. “Yes, sir?”, you asked, curious as to what this may be about. Had he noticed you weren’t paying attention? That you were writing in your soulmate journal?

“As you know, final exams are coming up and I am concerned about your final grade in this class. In order to pass, you need to earn at least an 85% or higher on the final,” he nonchalantly said, not even bothering to make eye contact with you as he began to pack up.

You knew that you were not the best at physics, but you did not realize your grade was so low. That you would basically have to eat, sleep, and breathe the subject until the end of the term. “I’m so sorry, is there any extra credit I could possibly do? I’ve been trying my best, it’s just that-“, before you had the opportunity to finish your statement, he had cut you off.

“You haven’t been trying your best, though. Far too often I see you writing away in that notebook of yours and I highly doubt your taking notes.” You didn’t even know what to say in response to that because he was right. You weren’t taking notes. But could you be blamed for wanting to talk with your soulmate? Somewhere along the way since your 16th birthday, you and Hao discovered that you lived in different time zones so there were only certain times of the day you could talk to each other…one of those times just happened to be during this class. If only your professor understood this.

As if the gruff man in front of you read your mind, he continued, “I am assuming that is your soulmate journal?” Silently giving a small nod, you internally cringed for what was to come because based on the raised eyebrow and demeaning glare, it could not be good. “You know all of that’s bullshit right?”. Your jaw slightly dropped because you were not expecting that to come from your professor’s mouth.

“Statistically only 32% of people actually end up with their ‘soulmate’? No one even understands the technology of these journals or where they come from. Researchers haven’t been able to find conclusive evidence of the accuracy of these journals. The odds are higher that you will end up with someone in this class rather than whomever you are speaking to through those pieces of paper. I suggest you keep this in mind for the remainder of the semester,” your professor concluded and hastily marched out of the classroom.

You are dumbfounded. You didn’t know what your professor wanted to see you about, but in no way did you suspect that. Alright, maybe you suspected him addressing you about your poor grade, but that rant? Probably would have been the last thing you guessed. After overcoming the initial shock of the encounter you just were on the receiving end of, you shook your head and finally left the room.

Walking down the street to your favorite pizza place (as Hao suggested), you couldn’t stop thinking about everything your professor said. Was it really true that only 32% of people end up with their soulmate? And now that you thought about it, having someone’s writing showing up in some magical journal you get on your 16th birthday seems a little impractical too.

After taking a seat at the small pizzeria, you took a bite, the cheese stretching, and about to fall off the slice. You wiped your greasy fingers off on a napkin before pulling out your soulmate journal to write to Hao, telling him his suggestion was an excellent choice.

While waiting for his response, you decided to do a little bit more research about the probability of soulmates ending up together. With a simple google search, thousands of articles came up about the illegitimacy of the journals, however, there were equally as many describing the validity of them while recounting people’s personal positive experiences.

After reading article after article, you couldn’t help but question if you would actually end up with Hao. You’d never had to think about it before. Your whole life, you had always been told: “whoever you write to in your soulmate journal is who you will find true love with and be forever happy”. You didn’t have a reason to question it either because you love Hao. Even though you had never seen him, you knew that you love him.

Your parents were connected through the soulmate journal and found each other, so they raised you to believe that the same would happen for you. The difference is that your parents had known each other since they were six years old. It was easier for them. You didn’t even know where Hao was from. You had your guesses considering his timezone, but you really knew nothing else. The journal would erase writing that held personal information (which sounds kind of…magical? but everyone has a notebook in which they can speak to their soulmate, so who’s to judge when that is an aspect of your world). When you first got your journal, you immediately wrote in it, providing your social media handles so your soulmate could find you. However, with every letter you wrote, they disappeared twice as fast.

There were many sleepless nights you complained to your friends about how hard it was because you just wanted to find him. You just wanted to be able to see his face. Hear his voice. Almost everyone you knew found their soulmates easily, but you were what felt like the only one left without your soulmate. Especially one on the other side of the world.

Becoming so wrapped in your thoughts, you picked up your pen again and wrote in the journal, “Hey…have you ever thought that we maybe…won’t end up together?”.

“What do you mean? Of course, we will end up together. We’re soulmates. That’s the whole purpose of this journal,” Minghao responded.

“I know, I know, but my professor just told me some stuff today. It’s stupid and I know I shouldn’t even worry about it, but he said that only 32% of people actually end up with their soulmate,” you explained. Sitting up in your seat, you started to get a little anxious. You know that Hao hated talking about this stuff.

“Y/N, I’ve told you this so many times before. We will find each other. I will find you. Don’t listen to the statistics,”. As you see the words appear on the paper in front of you, you can’t help but think…what if? What if you don’t find each other. Taking a moment to logically think about it, there is really no definitive way to track the other down. It all happens by chance.

As you placed your pen on the paper, about to write back, Hao’s handwriting appeared again. “I don’t want you to worry about this. The universe wants us together. It will find a way.”

With a sigh, you simply responded, “You’re right, I’ll talk to you later” and quickly drew a heart. You closed the journal, hoping it would help the thoughts leave your head, but you couldn’t stop the constant what-ifs running through your mind for the next days.

During that time, you did more research and truly discovered statistically how low the chances are that you will find your soulmate. There are 7.5 billion people in the world, what are the odds you find your person?

Things between you and Hao were never really the same after that.

It started out slowly. You would happen to forget your journal at home when you went out and instead of running back to get it (like you usually would), you didn’t bother. There were days that turned into weeks where you wouldn’t write to Minghao at all. Every so often you would maybe leave a kind message telling him to have a good day, but there were no longer meaningful conversations between you two. You even started seeing other boys. If statistically, you were not going to end up with Minghao, it was okay to start looking elsewhere.

Having been raised on the idea that this person on the other end of the journal is who you will end up with, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, didn’t allow you to experience young love the way many people do. When you turned 16, all of your attention went immediately to Minghao…because you were 100% sure you would end up with him. Now that you knew the small likelihood of that actually happening, you allowed yourself to find happiness. Even if it wasn’t with your soulmate.

Not to say that you forgot about Minghao. You could never forget about Minghao. But no matter how much you wished that it would work between you two, you knew the reality of the situation.

Several years had gone by. You and Minghao would write to each other in your journals sometimes, but never at the same time. Typically, you would write a message every several months to update him about what was going on in your life and he would do the same. Even years later, you still regret leaving him the way you did. You cannot imagine what providing little to no explanation did to him, but you were young. You didn’t know how to handle it.

But now, your life was completely different from those years ago when your best friend was through a journal. You had a career that you loved, amazing and supportive friends…there wasn’t more you could ask for. Except that you still hadn’t found someone. You thought that it would be easier to find a boy to spend your life with, even if it wasn’t Minghao, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Everyone was just looking for people to hook up and have one-night-stands with as they waited to find their soulmate. No one had accepted the reality of the situation as you had. While some might say that you were being pessimistic, you liked to think of it as being logical.

It was 8:54am and you were stumbling all over your apartment in an attempt to get dressed while simultaneously pack your bag for work. You were sure that you set your alarm for 6:30am so you had ample time to prepare and have a relaxing morning before you had to leave to catch your train. The image of the 6:30am alarm on your phone being switched on was ingrained in your mind, you knew you turned it on. Technology works in mysterious ways.

While tugging on the first appropriate shoes you found, you swung open the closet door that contained your sweatshirts that were still appropriate for work. This was your go-to when you were running late and today was definitely one of those days. As you swiftly opened the door, a book fell down from the top shelf. Your soulmate journal.

The panic of the morning immediately halted. It had been years since you had even looked at it. You shoved it away in a random box while moving to this city for your job and you honestly hadn’t thought about it since. While the memories of your conversations with Minghao flooded your mind, you decided to pack it in your bag. Maybe you would write to him while you were on your lunch break.

Grabbing the last of your items, you hurried out the door, trying to make it to the next scheduled train. As you exited your building and began running down the busy sidewalk to the train station, the crisp air whipped against your face. Your nose and ears were numb, but that was the least of your worries.

Your lungs felt like they were on the verge of exploding as you approached the train and saw the double doors sliding closed. “Hey!!! Someone hold the door!!! Please!!!”, you shout breathlessly, hoping to catch the attention of anyone inside the warm transport. To your luck, someone heard you and stuck their hand outside. Little did they know they were saving you from having to wait another 30 minutes for a train.

As you quickened your pace to enter the train, you smiled at the man who held the doors open for you, “Thank you so much, if it weren’t for you I would even more late for work than I am now”.

“No problem,” he said while making his way to a seat. Taking a moment to smooth out your hair, you followed behind him trying to find a place of your own. After looking around, the only one you found available was right across from that same man.

You looked at your watch and couldn’t help but watch the seconds and minutes tick away, making you more and more late for work. Stealing you from your trance, your phone began ringing. Noticing that it was your boss, you couldn’t help but let out a heavy sigh.

Before you had the opportunity to say hello, he was screaming into your ear, “Y/N where are you?! We need you here now!! This is unacceptable behavior.”

“I understand, I apologize. I’m on my way, sir. I will be there as fast as I can,” you responded, trying to keep your cool. After some more several unkind words, your boss hung up the phone. Running your hands over your face, you look up to see the man sitting opposite you, staring at you with wide eyes and a slightly agape mouth. You gave him a small smile and looked away, trying to ignore the look he continued to give you.

“Y/N?” you heard him say.

“Oh, me?” you questioned, to ensure that he was talking to you. Hopefully whatever he has to say won’t take too long because the train was due to stop in three minutes and you had to get off immediately.

He responds with a nod, eyes still as wide as a deer in headlights, “I’m Minghao”.

With that, your expression imitated his. Minghao? As in your Minghao?

“Wait, I don’t understand. You’re here?” you asked because last time you read a message from him in the journal, he hadn’t moved or mentioned traveling. Well…the last time you had touched the journal was years ago.

Minghao quickly moved to rummage in his bag. After a few moments, he pulled out a brown leather-bound notebook…with gold designs on the spine…swirls and flowers.

Before you knew what you were doing, you also began to dig in your bag for your soulmate journal…that happened to fall out of your closet today…that you wouldn’t have opened if your alarm would have gone off…

You immediately opened the old journal for the first time in years. The first words you see are, “I found you”.

Looking up at Hao, tears began to form in your eyes. You hadn’t admitted it to yourself, but it had been so hard without him. It’s like whenever you weren’t with him, everything was so much worse. Even if you only knew each other through the soulmate journal.

The train came to a screeching stop and the people around you began standing and exiting to the station, but you two remained seated. There were some people giving you some strange looks, but they didn’t realize that two people who were meant to be together had finally met. That you and Hao had met.

“I’ve looked everywhere for you,” Hao said as he stood up. “I told you I would find you.”

You couldn’t help yourself, but run up and wrap your arms around him. The arms you wanted to hold you since you were 16. You could finally feel him. Hear his voice. See his face. You could be with him. Not just through pieces of bound paper.

You pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes. Your cheeks were tear-stained, but you couldn’t help it. “We are not a statistic,” Hao softly whispered. His eyes flicked from yours, down to your lips. He moved his hands up to your face, using his thumbs to wipe the tears that won’t stop cascading down your cheeks. He leaned into you slowly, softly pressing his lips to yours.

“I found you,” Hao said so only you could hear, as he leaned his forehead against yours.

He found you.

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osterfieldshollandgirl · 4 years

Text

Photo credits to whomever took this picture.

Lock Down Love

Tom and your relationship have been a little rocky lately. In public, before the lockdown, both of you were the perfect couple everyone wanted to be, however, the truth was that it was not as happy as it looked. The thing is Tom is very handsome so people are going to talk to him and girls will try their chances and flirt with him. The last party we both went to was one that Sam and Harry threw for their 21st birthday. Work and school combined were hard to juggle while trying to be a good girlfriend and take care of Tom and the boys in the house.

The schedule for Tom was similar to mine as well. He would wake up get ready and work with Harry on the script together eat lunch, repeat but with dinner, and kisses me on the cheek instead of our normal kisses before going to bed. Our level of intimacy has not been there for quite a while. The day of the party was the last day of the semester just as Harry and Tom's script was due to give to the editors. In the office I turned in the last assignment and took a deep breath of relief as I walked out to celebrate with Tom, I hear his voice in the living room. I walk towards the living room and see he is alone and smiling at his phone so I decide to be bold and sit on his lap. He looked up from his phone before locking his phone. The thing is that I saw him texting a girl named Sarah before he locked his phone. He looked up from his phone and his smile slowly faltered but his arms instinctively wrapped around my hips to hold me in place. "I finished baby, I am done with my semester. Now we can spend time together." He replied grimly, "That is great love, I am happy for you." I instantly get annoyed and retort back, "well I also was going to congratulate you on your project. However, it seems that you are occupied with another situation." I tried to get out of his arms and he tightened his grip, suddenly Harry comes running into the room with a huge smile on his face.

Tom looks at Harry expecting the news on the. feedback. "They loved it and sent back remarks to fix but overall think that it will be a great script." Tom gets so excited that he cups my face gently and kisses me passionately catching me off guard. I kiss back enjoying the moment and suggest a party for the twin's birthday and the completion of their project. Tom adds softly, "The party should also be acknowledging your semester finishing as well." I smile lovingly at Tom for his comment. They both smile in agreement and we all go to prepare for tomorrow's big event. I feel better but his reaction still kind of bothered me slightly.

As we both are getting ready for the party in our bedroom, Tom comes out in his traditional black tee shirt and jeans. I suggest he wear that striped blue and white shirt while I had it laid out if he wanted to wear it. He looks so handsome in that shirt. He does not object and strips his shirt in a second and his shirtless form makes me freeze in my spot. He smirks as he teases," Do you see something you like Darling?" I walk towards him and hug him tight letting this moment last for a few minutes. He holds me back tighter and I feel tears fall down the face. He pulls me back and kisses my tears away while making looking deeply into my eyes. He says with such honesty that it shocks you, " I am sorry that I have not been around lately. Mentally and physically I have been into the script and now that we have time I am going to spend it with you." I smile and lean up to kiss him gently which turns heated as he lifts me and lets me wrap my legs around his waist. He pushes me against the wall making me whine at our bodies grinding against each other in a needy motion. He continued to kiss down my neck as a knock on the door interrupts us. Harry yells through the door, "hurry up love birds the party is about to start in fifteen minutes." We both pull apart heated and breathless laughing to ourselves as we get ourselves together ready to entertain our guests.

As the party is starting to get more relaxing and fun for you, you feel eyes on you and look up to see a girl smiling at you while standing pretty close to Tom. I smile back innocently thinking Tom is talking about us. I am chatting with Harrison and Harry about this and that. I pull Harry into a hug while congratulating him on the script being done. I laugh as he tickles me slightly when pulling away and catches Tom react oddly at our interaction. Harry takes a sip from his beer as he says confused, " We turned our script last week, did Tom not tell you?" I shake my head and put two and two together, answering honestly, "We do not talk a lot for the past few months due to work and school. He must have forgotten. It is okay though." Harry and Harrison look at each other with an unreadable expression and I look away as tears build up. Harrison suddenly pulls me into a hug and I sink deeper into him, mumbling a thank you in his chest. He kisses my forehead as he pulls away.

I am smiling and but it soon falters as Tom and that girl who he was chatting with comes up. Tom introduced her as Sarah and I instantly remembered her from his phone and I ice up slightly. I watch her quietly during the chat and see her talking more to Harry than Tom and soften up. I move from next to Harrison to in between Tom and Sarah. He tried to hold my waist but I discreetly moved his arm and he looked at with hurt and confusion. After about ten more minutes of talking Harry and Sarah walk away to talk privately which before they walk away I tease, "Do not do anything I wouldn't do." I hear Tom mumble something and am about to ask him what he said but Harrison scolds him. I hear Harrison being called and before he goes he points to Tom and says to be nice.

The two of us are left behind standing quietly, normally we would be close to each other and laughing. I look at Tom and see him looking around the room and being awkward, I turn to leave but feel him grab my hand. "Where are you going?" Tom asks slightly agitated, I give him a look while saying, " I do not know what we are doing we can not even have a conversation alone. We used to talk about everything and I had to learn that you turned in your script last week. So what did you do the whole week away, huh, are you not in love with me anymore." He snaps back, " Yes I messed up by not telling you that it was turned in last week. But if you accusing of me of loving someone else that is low. I am not the one who is hugging and giving attention to my mates and not your boyfriend."

I shake my head angrily saying, "I am sorry if they want to be seen with me then I will talk to anyone who wants to talk to me. Sarah and you are talking like you are best friends so I thought to let you have fun. Sorry about that." He takes a sip of his beer and I roll my eyes. "Now what?" He says rudely. "Its funny when I say what I feel you quiet down but when others talk you listen." He straightened up and clears his throat as he says, "I am going to talk and you listen. Sarah is a date I set up for Harry and she was interested in our project so I was talking about the script. She asked who was my girlfriend and I pointed to you so if that was being ashamed of you then I do not know what to say." I say with a confession, " I am sorry I should have given you more attention for your work. I did not think about what you were going through it is just that my workload was getting heavier and I could not stop from working on it."

That comment ignited something, he suddenly raised his voice as he says, " I am sorry that not all our work is as important as YOURS is, that my work is subpar because I am not a university student. I am trying here so could you please cut me some slack. You are also not the perfect girlfriend." After his rant, we looked around and everyone was looking at us, acting and laughing, " No need to worry, we are just rehearsing his character role." I walk away then to our room and lock the door throwing myself on the bed and crying finally breaking down.

I hear the music slow down and two hours later the party is over. Harry and Harrison both tried to comfort me but I made them go back to the party. They finally give in joining the party and I get myself together to bid good night to the people. I walk over to where Tom is and hold his hand to show others we are okay, but Tom realizes he messed up with how you are holding his hand. You usually would intertwine your fingers into his yours, and right now you are just loosely gripping his hand. Once the party is over and everybody left, the boys sit down and just chat. I silently cleaned up and bid good night to everyone and got ready for bed. I was about to fall asleep when I decided to write Tom an appreciation letter to show much I love him. As I was going to give to him, I heard Tom talking and crept to hear what they were talking about, knowing it was wrong but I couldn't help it.

Boys POV

Tom was spaced out as Harry and Harrison were joking about something that happened during the party. Harrison looked over at Tom, "Mate what is up with you to talk to Y/n like that in front of people? This is not you." He looks down towards his lap, "I regret doing that now but at the moment she upset me so much. I worked hard on that script and every night she would be so tired and fall asleep when I would talk about it. I didn't know what to do so when I found Harry, someone, Sarah became friends with me. We started chatting and it made Y/n thinking I was talking to another girl. I love her so much." Harrison smiles because Tom did not know that Y/n was standing behind him with a letter and a grateful smile on her face. Harry and Harrison yawned dramatically and hugged us both good night and thanked you for the wonderful night. She gives the letter to Tom and says, "I am sorry for acting out it was wrong of me. I am going to give you this letter and let you read it alone. When you are done you can come to our bedroom. I will always love you." She walks away and I slowly open the letter and read it to myself.

One hour later Tom quietly enters the bedroom and goes to get ready for bed. Y/n was sitting up reading when she hears him open the door. She waits nervously as he sits down on his side of the bed and turns towards her. He grabs her hands gently kissing each knuckle softly and looking into her eyes. "I am so sorry, I will be more respectful to you, and if you could please give a chance to prove myself I will make you believe in us again." I sigh and say, "I forgive you, I just do not like to be treated like I am not worthy when I knew what we had is a strong relationship. I will give you a chance to prove yourself."

I lean up and kiss him with need and want. He kisses back passionately and pulls me onto his lap so I am straddling him. He moves to kiss my neck as I started grinding down making him groan and I gasp with need as he grips my hips. He starts to control my hips as he comes back and kisses me more heated with need. We are both so close that he flips us over and takes over the motion making us both groan until we both come together. Tom lays on top of me for a second then moves to his side. "Love, I never thought I would say this but making out and dry humping is hot. Now let me show you how much I love you." He says with lustful eyes and kisses me before he makes up for the lost time.

@littlekidsteve @peachyxholland @tom-holland-is-spiderman @follow-tom-holland-is-spiderman @parkerpeter24 @frenchfrostpudding @osterfieldnholland @fanficparker @mymoontom @marvels-blue-phoenix @holytingle @petertiingz @abcdefanfics

#tom holland #tom holland angst #tom holland smut #tom holland imagine #boxer tom #tom holland x fem #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x peter parker #tom holland x sister!reader #tom holland x plus size reader #tom holland x oc #tom holland x you

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maiuoart · 4 years

Text

Topic Rant.

Heya, Folks. Small rant; Ignore it if you wish. It’s my views, it’s gotten pretty bad for me in viewing ordeals, but I just need to get this shit off my chest.

Will it open a can of worms on here? Probably. But guess what? We all have block buttons for reasons ♥

Have a Wonderful day, however! Keep staying sane!

I Am HIGHLY AGAINST FONTCEST!

Fontcest, Selfcest, Sancest, Papcest, & Incest of ANYTHING retaining the Skeletons, Gaster included, and other ordeals with many of the Monsters & their AU selves are included. This even includes the ‘Outcodes’ of the AU. Error, Ink, Dream, Nightmare, etcetc.

I have decided that anyone; Artist or not; Whomever is for this, or draws anything OF IT, will be unfollowed and if I see enough of it ‘In My Orbit’, will become blocked.

The reason for this is it’s beginning to actually trigger me to the point I want to leave.

And I Do NOT Want To Leave.

I love the brothers; I love the AU’s; I love everything considering the Skeleton BROTHERS. But to make it a Safe Place for myself; And those who agree With Me; I will start to get rid of the ones who Enjoy this ordeal. I enjoy Family CONTENT between siblings; Not this stuff.

I can no longer just browse without getting triggered by the ordeal at hand. It literally feels like everyone has jumped on this train, and I am someone who could handle a bit here and there; Literally have all the tags under the sun to keep them covered, and kept my Twitter as clean as possible... But still, some people don’t do tags right; Don’t put tags AT ALL; Tumblr has done this whole ‘In Your Orbit’ ordeal; And this shit is the same with Twitter; Where bullshit like this still creeps up.

I understand I can’t keep it hidden all the time; I understand that yes, sometimes slips will come up. And to my favorite artists I had looked up to? Then see them doing THIS? Not going to lie; Breaks my heart, but if they’re having fun? I’ll just do what I need to do and keep myself safe.

So, to the great artists, creators, and viewers alike; Have fun, but I’m someone who can’t handle this whole shit in general.

I know its mainly for fun; I can see the whole ordeal for Sancest/Papcest as a whole ‘Love Yourself’, but just thinking about it makes me hurl. The whole pairing different AU brothers with their counterpart BROTHERS; Ex; Edge/Sans?? That’s on a different level of; I Don’t Fucking Understand Why One Would?? That’s legit an image of HIS BROTHER? And in general, the Fell verses; Swapfell, too; Can have a whole disgusting underling because people have this dark look over them.

And to whomever it was who paired the BROTHERS UP ORIGINALLY; I absolutely have a good amount of disgust For you??

I have questionable likes myself; Yandere being the highest one; But unlike the topic at hand, at least it’s not; In My Words; Disgusting. Scary? Yes. Disturbing to a degree? Yes. Can become down right horrible? Yes, yes, yes.

If I get hate for this; Fine. But I’m here to write stories, doodle Sexy Skeletons & Monsters, and have a fun time! Thats why I came into the Fandom; AND DAMMIT, THAT IS WHY I WILL STAY!

Until I have a reason to leave; I’ll stand my ground on this. I’ve already talked to a few friends with similar viewpoints as myself. But I wanted You all to know, so people don’t bring the Topic to me or do weird shit with my guys.

Forever a Selfshipper; I’d rather do Chara/Papyrus, Frisk/Sans ordeals in the future, even. But it’s gotten to the point I can’t even look at another Artist right if they so much as say they enjoy this; And that?? I am most sorry for??

But I am not sorry for this ranting.

If you’ve made it through to the end; I appreciate you taking the time to read through this rant. Stay awesome, stay sane, and keep going.

This... Just really had to get off my chest.

Thank You.

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aahusgai · 4 years

Text

This past year has been rough, the ultimate test of my strength, physical, mental and spiritual. I never thought I would be here, single, by myself and rediscovering myself as single and also as a single mom.

Recently, I listened to Co-dependant No More. I grew up with an alcoholic father, hence my co-dependency. Whom also physically abused my brothers and sister and I. He has since changed and I'm grateful for that. But the long term damage, that I need to take responsibility of as an adult and grow and let go of is, very much alive. I read the book, as I'm getting out of a relationship, where I, yet again, felt the need to give myself to my partner in a way that was unhealthy for both of us! I don't blame him for leaving, just the way he did it was super fucked up! It was the day I got back from burying my grams. He packed all of his stuff and told me, the second I walked through the door. Very cowardly in my opinion. Anyways, it is what it is. I listened to the book and it opened my eyes, I am co-dependant.

The ongoing fear of something always going wrong, the constant search of what is my partner doing wrong, and what can I do to take better care of him and then I grew resentful. I wanted to push him away, I didn't want to be intimate with him, although I would force myself to make him happy. He never forced me, let's get that straight, but I forced myself to please him. That was my life, pleasing my partner.

I woke up yesterday and cancelled plans that him and I had. We have been still seeing each other weekly since he left and having sex! I was and still am pretty messed up over it. I thought I could mentally handle it, but I can't and I shouldn't. It's not healthy, I was good enough for sex, but not good enough for a relationship. He wanted to still keep me, while he worked on himself, but that entailed not saying I love you, treating me like I was disposable and making me feel so gross and used! And I, for a bit was okay with it! The hope of him coming back home kept me motivated to keep on going with it. If he truly cared, he would have not behaved as he did. Deep down, I feel like he knew what he was doing with my emotions and feelings, and that is unhealthy. It felt good saying no to him, sticking up for myself and trying my hardest to move on.

I have to stop worrying about him and what I can do to help him and start worrying about how I can help myself and my family! For too long I out too much emphasis on my partner and their needs!

Today is the second day of worrying about what I want, and damnit I want to get my house clean, the way I like it, cook what I want for supper, go to town whenever I please, hang out, call and make plans with whomever I want! And not feel guilty about any of it!

Sorry about the rant and whoever reads this I hope you are having a beautiful day!

#beautifulchaos #singlemomof7 #singlenotreadytomingle

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swanqiu · 3 years

Note

"umbridge was threatening her mother! it’s a lot more complicated than marietta just snitching on them unprompted!! i will vent about this another time!!!" please, by all means, rant about marietta! ;D

referencing something i said in this post from forever ago—

so yeah, basically, we get that marietta is one of harry + the DA’s most outspoken critics, and a large part of that (according to cho) is because marietta’s worried about her mum’s position at the ministry since umbridge still has those ties. those influences. marietta also doesn’t really know harry or hermione or ron, other than the fact that everything that’s sent the school year into red alert mode over the last five years have, in some way, involved the trio. of course she’s somewhat wary, maybe even somewhat doubtful that being involved with the DA will be a helpful thing!

like... good for the other students in hufflepuff and gryffindor (and even some of her housemates) for being more trusting or whatever than she is— reckless might be a word she’d prefer to use, if she has anything to say about it— but that’s not her. she’s not game to just give her trust to whomever, especially if they have a track record of causing trouble. the trio have been able to get away with a lot of it because dumbledore and the rest of the staff clearly favor harry, but who’s to say anyone else who gets involved with the DA will get that same free pass luxury? so yeah. sorry if she’s not as gung ho about this secret club as everyone else is.

anyway, i headcanon marietta as coming from a single-parent home. her dad’s not in the picture anymore, and it’s just her and her mum, and they’re very close. they’re all the other have at this point, back home. she knows how hard her mum works to provide for her and to send her to school with nice robes and the standard equipment she’ll need for classes, and she knows how screwed they are if her mum loses that ministry job. single parents— women, especially!!!— absolutely still have a stigma attached to them, esp if we’re talking late ‘90s, so she has a lot more to risk by joining the DA than some of the other students might! she attends the initial interest meeting to support cho (because if cho wants to do something she seems passionate about and it’s something that’ll take her mind off of her de*d boyfriend, for sure marietta’s there for her)! she continues to attend the meetings to be a good friend to cho! she signs that contract because okay, at the start of the DA meetings, it seems easy enough not to snitch! there’s not much of a reason to, even if she is cautious about it all!

but then her mum starts receiving the fake-sweet, thinly veiled threats from anonymous— umbridge— sources that clue her in that her daughter might be involved with a secret rogue club at school, and marietta catches wind of these warnings, and ofc she suddenly starts feeling guilty. starts panicking and realizing that her mum’s gonna lose her job and it’s because of her.

basically, what i’m getting at here is this: if i were marietta and i had to choose between my mom, who’s the only one i have at home and has spent her whole life raising me, and a group of students who haven’t really made an effort to befriend or get to know me but are asking that i choose loyalty to them over my mom— yeah, i can understand why marietta goes and does what she does.

and all of this isn’t even including the very heavy implication that umbridge used veritaserum on marietta!! (edited to bold and italicize this because i feel like it’s SUCH a big factor, if not the main factor, behind marietta being the ‘sneak’; it gets overlooked so much!!)

edit 2: okay i am wrong, i went back and read the quote and no, umbridge didn’t use veritaserum on marietta since she’d apparently already used up snape’s last bottle on harry, but i absolutely would not be surprised if umbridge had tried other tactics or spells, even, to get marietta to say something. not budging on this.

#nirgama #// thank u tessa for always giving me an excuse to just talk about my beloveds #anyway yeah this was from a while back and i apologize it's a million years later #anyway i channeled some of that marietta energy here. her voice really came out lmao and i couldn't do much about it.#anyway this probably could've been shorter and i probably could've cleaned it up a little bit but.#nah was just straight typing here for like five minutes. MANY thoughts about her #xmun note

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ellaintrigue · 4 years

Photo

Be so. So. Careful

Over the span of my early adult life I started to build a controversial reputation. Not that anyone knows who I am, but in general, across the local area, friends of my parents, and family know of me. My ex brought chaos throughout my life with his gradual decline from mental illness and my refusal to censor my body or feminist beliefs has led to harsh judgment. And you can't listen to the gossipers, but it's there.

I suppose some think that a "fat" "whore" in a bikini with a crazy past may have low self-esteem, but it is the opposite. I feel pretty good about myself and don't want to meet anyone that could ever hurt me again. I love my body and love my scars and when a woman with stretch marks or a big tummy poses in a bikini, I love her too. It's 2020, let's love one another instead of judging pasts and shaming women.

Now, while we should not be hung up on the past, I've had a long healing process. And although many of us try our best, skeletons in the closet sometimes come back to life. This post is going to offend some people but it's been brewing in my mind for over a month now.

What may seem like it is none of my business, is, when brought into my life. I've been a victim and that's on those that chose to hurt me, but all victims know this: we must do what we can to protect ourselves in the future.

I'm an alcoholic. I function but I drink. I pay for my habit and stay out of people's way. While drinking is obviously bad, I have never hurt anyone else with my habit. My ex, on top of having untreated mental illness, had a problem. He would go months without drinking then go on days long benders, causing property damage, getting into fights, and getting arrested, building up fines. In the end he stole $800 in silver coins that I had, my last asset left after I lost my life savings to medical bills. I was at work that night. He had broken in my house, grabbing the coins, and my truck keys. He stole my truck, took it to the gas station, and bought a bunch of Natty Daddys, giving the cashier 4 solid silver coins for each beer. $800 for tallboys that cost just over $1 each at the time. My ex told me he thought the large mint coins were "quarters."

A year after I left my ex, a cousin recommended a painter to my mother, for my house. I do not own my house. I have nothing, I lost everything to medical bills and my ex stole the rest. I own my car and truck, that's it. So thank God for mom who is kind enough to let me stay here and I pay the costs that I can. Thank her for painting the house and getting new siding.

But the first painter was a flop. You can't judge on people's pasts, and people's looks... but sometimes you can... I fought my ex for 2 years after leaving him, he became a violent stalker. So I requested for the painter to call me before stopping by my house because I was easily spooked. But unexpectedly, I looked out my window to see a pickup truck in my yard. So I went outside and saw a scraggly man in the yard, on the phone. "Excuse me! Who are you??" I asked. He glared at me, yelled he was the painter, then walked away. It was not a good first impression.

Finally he talked to me briefly, canning his attitude for a moment. He was thin and gaunt with a cigarette shaking in his hand. His face had a grey hue and his eyes were sunken. He rasped out some details then left. He was in his 50's but looked almost 70. And he never came back, he just walked away with mom's $3,000. Mom thought he was licensed and reliable since family had recommended him. I said over and over before that happened, though: I did not like the way the motherfucker looked.

Court ensued and mom won. But before the trial, the guy approached my mom trying to talk things over, which made me scared. He knew I was alone at my house at the time, what if he wanted revenge? What if he burned the fucking house down? We had looked at his record after he stole: drug charges, assault, DUIs, abuse of a minor, multiple domestic violence charges, malicious destruction of property, theft, and stealing from homeowners using his business aka being paid and not doing his work. The guy was a drug addict.

Now, I'm not saying all druggies and drunks are nasty pieces of shit... but, do I need them in my life? I am sorry, but no, it is not my preference. My childhood friend passed in 2017 from opiates after years of addiction and hurting people with it. A round faced smiling child had turned into a criminal that relied on drugs and didn't care how she got them. At any time I can close my eyes and bring up her last photo in my thoughts. Her once beautiful green eyes, dull and sunk into her face, mere weeks before she overdosed at home.

My last ex was boring in this aspect, his vices were cigs and soda. He did not drink or do drugs, not even pot. I liked that about him. I'm fine with weed but he had his shit together and worked, despite a criminal past.

Past... disregard it only when you can. And my ex worked multiple jobs and worked his way up. Often when a man gets out of jail or prison he ends up doing various manual labor jobs but I notice basic retail and fast food positions are common. Also things like yard work, dishwashing, etc. You have to get what you can get and report it to whomever concerned. It must be rough to start over like that. Clearly my wacko ex never made it but that's how the stats go.

While only close to mom, dad, and Erin, I love and respect extended family, who are kind to me, including cousins on my dad's side. Well, everyone thinks I'm a short little fatty, which, yeah, I am. But I'm cocky and talk to whoever so I'm guilty of going after men that could have been models. And it's fine to laugh at me over that, I laugh at myself. However I don't date much or talk about it anymore so I was surprised when my cousin mentioned this guy she went to high school with and kept pushing me to talk to him. At first I didn't view it as a dating thing since I'm not attracted to anyone over 40 and said he could add me if he needed a friend but he never did. A month later she was still bringing him up and asked me why I hadn't contacted him. And I just said, hey, I'm not desperate for a man, don't need the "help" but thank you.

But, it triggered me. While I’m rarely insecure, I went into defense mode when I saw the guy on FaceBook. He was 45 but looked 55, sunken eyes, no teeth, and just a miserable looking face. I don't go around calling people ugly. But it was the same gaunt druggie look as the painter that ripped off my mom. He posted weird rants and yelled at people in his comments over petty things. I showed his picture to my friends and the rest of my family and my soft mannered, intelligent Norwegian philosopher friend of many years even took one look at the guy and said, "he looks like a neo-Nazi child molester." Another friend, that had been in jail, said, "stay the fuck away from him, he's bad news."

So while wondering if it was my "slutty" bikini pictures or the fact I had dated my crazy ex that made me so qualified to take on this dude in my cousin's eyes, I did searches on him and it showed he had a criminal record. I wasn't going to pay to read into it but I now knew, between his profile and public records that he was a recovering addict, had a record, and worked as a grocery store stocker which is a perfectly fine job, but again, one of the low paying basic jobs someone fresh out of the pen might get.

Since I'm a passive-aggressive psycho I confronted my cousin with all this. And she just says she knew the guy in high school and that he drank sometimes. She knew nothing of drugs, a record, or him missing teeth. And I wish that dude would open his damn mouth wider because in the one pic where I can see, it's just a drooping black hole. He was trying to be sexy in that photo and in the comments under his shirtless body with cheesy tribal tattoos he does the shrugging man-emote and says "I'm going through my slut phase, mkay?" Now my ex had no teeth and that was fine by me but he wasn't drugged out either and had a nice pink face. But what if I didn't check into this guy? What if I didn't think? What if I decided he was cute and let him into my life and got abused and ripped off again? Sure, people can rebuild and bounce back but it's still extremely common to relapse and hurt people all over again.

...Be careful... be so careful...

Mid-way through 2017, a lawyer emailed me a picture of the unfortunate painter so I could identify him and I honestly couldn't say it was the man. A picture several years old featured a smiling man with bright eyes and a flesh colored face. The man in my yard that day looked like a frozen corpse.

Past is past and looks are looks but when you lay down with dogs you wake up with fleas.

Be careful who you associate with, and who you introduce to people.

#Past #Personal #Addiction #PTSD #Pinup #BP #Body positive #Heal

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thehollowprince · 5 years

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Okay. Another Endgame semi rant: You've sorta talked about this on your blog, but those Steve fans who like Steve's ending ( or least their trying to make the best out of it god bless 'em) and chastise other who didn't like Steve's for being salty shippers ( and that's a legitimate gripe- like no-one thought Stucky was going to be A THING, but we all hoped that their deep bond, which goes all the way to when they were like SIX- okay fine *9* would be honoured and respected) are clinging so 1/?

so hard to the idea that Steve created an alternate timeline, where he can do *anything*. Like rescuing Bucky and that timeline's Steve, and stopping Hydra from infiltrating SHIELD. When the intention of the Russos and the writers was quite clearly for him to retire and have life and not be a soldier anymore. (I swear the Russos said that before the backlash became overwhelming ) Like they put him back in the fight when the intention was for Steve to stop fighting, so they'll write passive 2/?

Passive aggressive asides - (sorry lost my train of thought) about how if we don't understand that it's a different timeline, and of course he's not just going to sit back or whatever- and it's like "GUYS. You ALMOST GET IT it's because the idea of Steve sitting back and doing nothing in the main timeline- and almost certainly not getting back in the fight in the alt timeline- because again, The Russos were like "LOL He & Peggy are going to make baby," before Joe was like "He can do anything" 3/

(Okay tumblr conked out so I don't know if you got my last ask) so as I was saying: "We just didn't want our favouite character to be destroyed?" (Well he was in my eyes at least) Anyway sorry for filling up you inbox with asks, I just, had enough of reading those posts and needed to vent you know?

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Okay... sorry it took me so long to get to this but I wanted to make sure I was awake and ready to tackle the whole thing. These caught me at a bad time but now I'm all rested and ready to dig into the meat of it.

To start off with, I have never had an issue with people who liked (or tried to see the silver lining) in Steve's ending. We live in a very big world and it would be rather dull if everyone shared the same opinion on everything, but I wasn't aware of how big the divide was growing until almost a month after I saw the movie. I was upset at Steve's ending and I made a joke about it, and before you know it I have people that are making passive-aggressive posts or even calling you out for not being "a true Steve fan."

And I gotta say, seeing that made me immediately take a step back from the fandom. Like, woah! When did the pro-Steve side become the new Tony stans? Because that's exactly the mentality we were mocking and pointing out for years now, how Tony stans didn't care about anything else except their favorite character's happiness, even of it completely contradicted all of the canon that came before it.

But once I started seeing it, I started seeing it everywhere. Blogs that had been inactive for months started waking up and spreading this idea that you weren't a real fan if you didn't love the ending that Steve got. And while they've changed the way they phrase it, the idea persists. Now it's usually just something along the lines of "wow, look at the character they really like", which is usually pulled out if you try and mention Steve's relationship to Sam or Bucky or Wanda or whomever. And I k ow I've said this before, but that's part of the reason I loved the MCU version of Steve so much. He was more than just him. Steve was Steve because of those around him, how he related to them, how he helped them and how they believed in and followed him despite overwhelming odds. So to just cut all that off, despite that being one of the cornerstones of Steve's fandom and claim that people don't really like Steve unless it involves X character is super disingenuous.

To make matters worse is the actuality of Steve's ending. If you've accepted that Steve did that at the end of ENDGAME, then you have to try and wrap your head around the actuality of what happened. Did he open a new timeline or was he always Peggy's husband in this timeline? If he did open a new timeline, did he prevent a whole bunch of horrible things from happening or did he just sit back and relax and ignore it all? Did he awaken frozen Steve and have him do all the fighting or did he just let everything play out the way it did originally? No one knows because even the writers and directors, the idiots who came up with this idea, can't agree on what happened! It's a clusterfuck of a situation that only gets worse when you apply it to fandom.

I shouldn't have to dig into the whole Steve/Peggy situation, because I've done it before, but just for the sake of completion I'll mention again how nothing ever actually happened between Steve and Peggy aside from that one kiss. They could have been something epic but they missed their window and the fact that the four morons behind Steve's journey couldn't remember that is infuriating. The new thing now, of course, is to mock people who point that out by saying that "Steve and Peggy knew each other for years during the war and just because it's not shown doesn't mean it didn't happen", but them completely miss the irony in stating that something that we have no concrete proof of is canon. It's a godamn unsatisfactory bitch of a situation.

There was even one blog who came out of hibernation that accused me of being "fake woke" for mentioning the negative impact of having arguably the MCU's most political character played by one of their more vocal actors go back to the "good ol' days".

At the end of the day, would I have loved for Stucky to happen? Of course I would have! As has been stated multiple times now, I am severely underrepresented in the MCU and I latched onto anything that could be construed as representation in any capacity, but I also never expected it to happen. This is Disney! I just find it disheartening that our concerns and opinions are considered less then because we turn to these friendships and so on as to why Steve should have stayed, especially because he's one of the few male protagonists that is more than just his physicality but also his emotional connection to people.

I maintain, to this day, that Steve should have just retired in the modern world (or as he called it - Home), because not only would it have made sense for his character arc, but it would have opened up the doorway for a potential return for the next big Team-up movie. Just imagine Steve swooping in and saving Sam with a "Captain America needed my help" line.

When all's said and done, we all have our own opinions on that ending, and the MCU in general, and I've found that it's only a few that are diehard about supporting Steve's ending. I have several mutuals that liked Steve's ending even though I and others didn't, and I wouldn't get rid of them for anything.

#you've got mail #not my steve #not my steve rogers #steve rogers deserved better #anti endgame #anti endgame steggy #anti russo brothers #anti markus and mcfeely

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inanawesomewave · 5 years

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PUT AN END TO TOXIC EMPATH CULTURE

I am in a few groups on facebook for cluster b personality disorders. Some of them are exclusively for paths (socio-, psycho-), some of them are for people of all cluster b, and one of them is for people who have these disorders, and it’s also a place where people can go for advice on the people in their lives with these disorders. More often than not people will come into this group and immediately rant about their “narcopath” husband (tip: psychopathy encompasses narcissistic personality disorder just as well as it does antisocial, read a book and stop inventing monster words). They’ll start out innocent: “I accidentally looked at my husband’s phone and saw he’s been texting other girls”, or “I just had to go into my husband’s pocket for a breath mint and accidentally found a receipt for a restaurant I didn’t go to with him”. First red flag for me: they immediately tell a lie. They come to a cluster b group to talk about how they’ve been damaged by a disordered personality, and they begin with a lie. We know that, idiots. We lie all the time, and we cheat, and we steal. And we confront them. And you know what they do? They say, “you’re just a filthy fucking narc, aren’t you”. And weirdly, that specific phrase comes up a lot, “filthy fucking narc”, almost like it’s a sobriquet that’s been encouraged somewhere, in some kind of large online community, something it’s acceptable to say to survivors of abuse and trauma that don’t behave in exactly the way you would like them to, despite your best efforts to spy on them and keep them down at heel. But that’s a different thing for a different rant for a different time. We sometimes get mothers coming into the group to talk about how they’re at their wits end with their antisocial personality disordered children, how the antisocial child has cut contact with them and the exasperated parent doesn’t understand why. One of us will suggest that ASPD rarely crops up without being coaxed out by abuse and trauma, and suddenly this hand-wringing, worried parent will start shouting and kicking off. They’ll call us “filthy fucking narcs”. Another thing we get is people with borderline personality disorder (and if you think I have a needless axe to grind, please continue reading before losing your goddamn mind about this) coming in to talk about the fact they are inexplicably drawn to “narcs” and “paths”, and that this is the fault of narcs and paths, that we are drawing them in and hurting them. They tell us that they’ve suffered abuse and we wouldn’t understand, they tell us that they are hurting and we wouldn’t understand. Then we tell them that the rate of childhood abuse and trauma is just as high amongst antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders as it is with borderline. And then they’ll react by telling us they feel triggered and attacked. Ostensibly, they’ll call us “filthy fucking narcs”. More often than not, they’ll refer to themselves as an EMPATH. Just like the estranged mother is an empath, just like the obsessive wife is an empath. Because borderlines are empaths, right? That’s where we’ve gone wrong. Borderlines have reduced empathy. You don’t like that, but it’s true. Let’s talk about why you don’t like that. If you have BPD and you’re reading this and you don’t like that, ask yourself why. Because I know why. The reason you don’t like hearing that one of your diagnostic criteria is a lack of empathy, something your therapist knows about you, something your psychiatrist knows about you, something all your family and friends know about you, is because you hear “empath” and you hear “good person”. You hear “narcissist/sociopath/psychopath” and you think “bad person”. You believe the only difference between good and evil is empathy, and therefore you believe that anything you do can be easily absolved by you insisting that you have empathy, a surfeit of it, in fact. You can do whatever to whomever and whyever you want, but if you can put your hand on your heart and the end of the day and stare that person you hurt in the eye and feel their pain as they feel it, as you inflicted it, then all’s well that ends well. And I have never heard so much fucking bullshit in my entire life. And the reason I’m writing this is because today in the aforementioned group, a woman with borderline personality disorder told a lie to the group that her ex husband had paid several men to harass and stalk her. After some questioning she admitted that this probably wasn’t true, but that she’d felt like it was probably true, and because she has BPD, she feels things before she can cognitively conceive of them, so she’s prone to whipping herself up into a frenzy. But it’s fine, she said, because she has BPD, and has been abused, and has been raped, and she has empathy. It’s fine she can implicate a serious crime that never happened, because she’s sorry she did that. She’s sorry she felt that way but it wasn’t her fault. You know what else she said? She said, to someone who had called her out on her shit (non aggressively), “I’ve been raped, but a narcopath like you wouldn’t be affected by something like that”. Can we just sit on that for a second, please? We are rape survivors and survivors of prolonged abuse and trauma. But you think it’s fine and empathic of you to tell us that we didn’t care about it? That it didn’t hurt us? Think again, empath. Toxic empath culture is using your naturally occurring empathy to oppress and abuse other people. Yes, I know you have empathy but guess what! You can also be abusive. The thing about toxic empathy culture is believing whole heartedly that your empathy is what separates you from the herd, that your empathy is so unbelievably special, that you have a gift. And an interesting thing happens when you think that your empathy is a magical gift - you see what you perceive to be a lack of it EVERYWHERE. You have become so subsumed and enamoured by your own empathy that you believe nobody must have empathy the way that you do, and therefore, what do we call people with a lack of empathy? We call then narcs and paths. We call them filthy little fucking narcs. And we can do whatever the fuck we want to them, right? Because they have no empathy. Not like you though. You’re special. And sometimes I get heat on this blog for singling out BPD but you know what? It’s pertinent. How many times have I see articles explaining BPD as some damaged, fragile gift of broken empathy that is given to victims of abuse? That it’s not rage or hostility or abuse, it’s a storm? It’s gorgeous fragility? It’s complicated, she’s mixed up. We never get to hear that they have a lack of empathy though, that’s the big secret. Because borderlines have a lack of cognitive empathy, they can feel it, but they can’t understand it. Antisocials et all are the other way around. What does this mean? It means someone with BPD will feel your negative emotion but won’t understand how to talk to you about it, or ask you how you are, or interpret it. But they’ll feel it. So maybe if you’re in a bad place they’ll get into a bad place too, but their lack of cognition will prevent them from thinking to ask you what’s wrong, or how they can help you. You’ll have to help them instead. And that’s not their fault, there’s a reason their empathy broke down and they have a genuine lack here, it’s nothing they can help. So why can’t we see antisocials and narcissists with this level of clarity, and sympathy? Because if an antisocial sees someone they care about suffering, they won’t feel it, they won’t adopt it, but they can cognitively understand that your mood has changed and you need something fixing. You know, for all the evil that apparently exists in narcissists and sociopaths, I know what I’d prefer. And it’s so funny really, because in these “survivor communities”, everything has to be forced into the boxes of psychopathy and narcissism. Any bad behaviour gets pigeon-holed into these two categories. Even if someone says “my husband has a diagnosis of BPD” or “my wife has a diagnosis of OCD”, everyone will say ��google NPD hun they might have VULNERABLE NARCISSISM”, “they might be a COVERT PSYCHOPATH”. Because if they can’t find the answers they need in the DSM-V, they’ll invent categories. Do anything it takes to excuse any and all bad behaviour as being part of these two schools of evil, because they cannot begin to accept that anyone else can do anything bad, because if they accepted that, they’d have to accept that they too are sometimes bad. And there’s a reason this gets me so angry. It’s not just that some people need the monopoly on pain and distress, teaching people that victimhood can only ever be messy, bloody, stormy, emotional, anxious, dramatic and LOUD, and that because of this, everyone ignores the fact that some victims of abuse end up with different personality disorders and become withdrawn, cold, remorseless, angry and manipulative because they don’t know how to function in a world that they’ve only ever known as cold and hard and something you need to survive through by any means necessary. It’s not even that things like suicidality is now only ever taken seriously if someone is yelling I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF all the time, despite the fact that most people who end their lives leave no clue whatsoever, don’t tell anyone and even seem happier before they do it, and it’s not even that because of this skewed vision of what suffering looks like, millions of people go ahead killing themselves unnoticed because they weren’t screaming their intent and therefore we are trained to believe they’re not victims. What really fucking ticks me off is the dehumanisation. You’re an empath until you meet a narcissist or a sociopath or a psychopath aren’t you? But the second you meet one, or think you’ve met one, you get to do that thing that everyone wants to do - you get to become a psychopath, because you know deep down in your heart of hearts that nArCoPaThS are trying to hurt you and harm you constantly, that they can whiff you out in a crowded room and spend their lives trying to harm you, because you’re such delicious and precious bait. So what you do, before they can come at you and hurt you (even if it never happened! Even if you just think it happened which is the same, right? It’s okay to think that, right? You’ve been hurt, after all, and now you’ve got all this empathy just lying around and that’s hard for you), you hurt them first, but that’s not your fault, right? It’s a protective shield, yeah? It’s something you had to create to protect yourself from further harm isn’t it? Aw. Yeah. We don’t know what that’s like. We don’t know what it feels like to spend our lives accidentally creating maladaptive coping mechanisms that involve keeping others away from us. That’s you. You’re special. And when you do that, and you identify what you are because you read a Thought Catalog article about empaths and you really felt seen by the bit where it said that empaths are beautiful, strong, courageous, maybe psychic, and healers, and you thought that was probably you because you’re definitely not a narcissist, then it doesn’t matter about everyone else, does it? Because you’re an empath. Hell. You’re a God. And NOT a narcissist, they just THINK they’re special but you really are, aren’t you! And so, with your great gift of empathy your first move is to push the baddies away. Because you know deep down, don’t you, that narcopaths got that way because we wanted to be. You know that even though we also kill ourselves at very high rates, we were only doing that to fuck with you, and the trauma of losing us is actually your greater trauma and that’s how we get to fuck you over one last time. You know that when we tell you we were raped and assaulted and abused and beaten repeatedly, that we’re just saying it to hurt specifically you, because you need to keep your guard up, because you’re special. And if we are telling the truth, which would make sense when you look at the statistics which you haven’t because science is for losers and you’ve just got a hunch which means so much more than empirical research, you know that the truth to them is a labyrinthine maze of potential manipulation. You read in Psychology Today that we can only ever lie and we don’t know how to feel things. I mean there’s no evidence to support that, just like there’s no evidence whatsoever that we have a cold dead stare or that we jerk off to snuff films, but you had that hunch, didn’t you. And this dehumanisation is part of empath culture. Empath culture exists to dehumanise and demean and retraumatise narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, and it needs to stop. Because I’m not out here pretending to have empathy, but you are. So when I sit here and earnestly hope that you get everything that’s coming to you and maybe I’d like to be a part of that, I’m not lying. When you sit here and tell me that your empathy is a rare gift and that all the men you’ve dated were all narcissists and that your best friend is probably a psychopath and that you’ve never hurt anyone in your life because you’re an earth goddess, you’re lying. But you don’t even know you’re lying, because the lie has now got so big that everyone’s getting themselves involved. And this is why toxic empath culture needs to come to a close. It’s making narcissists out of everyone, and apparently, that’s the worst thing in the world. Empaths go fuck yourselves.

#empathy #empaths #abuse #healing #trauma #sociopathy #psychopath #psychopathy #narcissistic personality disorder #narcissism #antisocial personality disorder #borderline personality disorder

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