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yan-senna · 3 years

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The Keeper of the Diamond 3 (Severus Snape x reader, Lucius Malfoy x reader & Negan x reader)

By yan-senna

Other links to the story: Wattpad / AO3

Want to be tagged when I post a fanfic?

Book 1 / Chapter 1 / Next Chapter / All chapters

Chapter 6

TW: Mentions of kidnapping, war and zombies

Everybody is surprised when reading the Daily Prophet the next morning. “The Malfoys are pardoned by Cornelius Fudge” is the head title of the newest edition.

Three Gryffindor friends at The Burrow are particularly surprised.

“Bloody hell! They were pardoned?!” Ron exclaims.

Hermione rolls her eyes at him. “Have you actually read the article? It would all make sense if you did. They were pardoned because of Y/N. Apparently, Lucius Malfoy saved her - twice” she states.

Both Harry and Ron widen their eyes. Malfoy saved her? No way!

“I wonder if Y/N knows?” Harry questions.

Hermione looks deep in thought. “Well, she would only know if somebody told her. Which would most likely be Headmaster Dumbledore or Professor Snape. I think they will wait a bit, to surprise her” she says.

Ron snorts at that. “Wait to surprise her? She might actually die of surprise, then!” he exclaims.

Harry laughs at that, Hermione however glares at Ron. Y/N will be happy when finding out, she however won’t DIE of surprise.

She won’t know for a while, though.

Three months later, Y/N is in her room, sighing as she looks at her enchanted notebook that Snape gave her. He told her that he had a mission. He also told her that when the mission is completed, he has a surprise for her.

Y/N is excited for the surprise, but she’s more worried about Snape. He hasn’t written to her for days now. She hopes that he’s okay.

Meanwhile on her bed, Laura and Vera are playing Wizard Chess. Ginny, Luna, Neville, Seamus and Dean gave it to Y/N for her birthday. It’s actually pretty fun. Y/N isn’t that good at it, she however finds it fun as well.

They especially find it interesting as well as a bit scary when the chess pieces actually and literally destroy each other when defeating another piece.

Y/N sighs once more and then starts to look in her diary. She recently got one as she wanted a place to write down her thoughts and adventures as well as her dreams and nightmares.

Yes, she still gets nightmares, even though Dolohov is dead. Her nightmares are mostly about Bellatrix ever since she tortured her, though.

Y/N grins to herself. Right now she’s reading about that one time Laura told her she kicked Lucius’ butt when her and Vera were running away from the Death Eaters. She wished she could see it.

She’s then reminded of the Malfoys. She really hopes they are okay, too.

Suddenly, somebody appears in her room. All three girls look at the newcomer. It’s Minerva McGonagall.

“Hello, girls. It is good to see you again. I am afraid that Dumbledore once again has a favour to ask of you. He would like to see all three of you immediately” she states.

Nodding, they all rise from their seats. Y/N quickly puts her phone, notebook, diary, a pen and both diamonds in her shoulder bag.

She’s currently wearing the Hogwarts jacket that the Trio gave her for her birthday. She loves it. As it’s getting colder, she’s wearing a green sweater, which Molly Weasley knitted for her, underneath.

She usually wears her Snape t-shirt and Snape socks when sleeping. She has yet to wear that Slytherin uniform, though.

The four of them apparate to Hogsmeade and instantly walk towards Hogwarts. When they are almost near the Headmaster’s office, Neville and Luna spot them.

“Y/N, Vera, Laura. Hello. It’s so good to see you. I suppose you are here because of the mission?” Luna asks in her dream-like voice. Neville shyly smiles at them, he seems quite sad, though.

The mission? They just got here, they have no idea what they are supposed to do. As they are about to answer, McGonagall is quicker.

“They do not know yet, Ms. Lovegood. Which is why we have to head to the Headmaster’s office immediately” she tells the Ravenclaw girl. Nodding, Neville and Luna wave goodbye to the four people as they continue to walk.

They finally approach the golden gargoyle. “Lemon chilli” McGonagall says out loud. Okay, Y/N can’t help but raise an eyebrow at that. Apparently, Dumbledore currently enjoys spicy food.

As they enter the office, they are met by Dumbledore giving them a sad smile. “Hello, girls. It is nice to see you again. Would you like a lemon drop?” he asks them politely.

They all shake their heads no. They had enough lemon drops from Y/N’s present. They thought they would never finish them. She does use her Slytherin cup regularly when drinking tea, though.

“Very well, more for me, then. Anyway, I have asked for you to come here as I have a favour to ask. You see, I have sent Professor Snape, Professor Lupin, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger on a mission in a zombie-infected dimension. However, the zombies are not the problem. You see, the people there are at war with a group who calls themselves “The Saviors”. We have offered to help. Unfortunately, the members of the Order who we sent there have been kidnapped by those Saviors. Which is why we need your help” he tells them.

All three girls are shocked. Especially Y/N. That’s why Snape hasn’t been writing to her these past couple of days. She can’t help but worry. How did the Saviors even manage to kidnap them? They are Muggles!

Yes, Y/N knows about The Walking Dead. She loves to watch that show. She won’t admit to anyone that she actually likes the villain and leader of the Saviors, Negan. Laura and Vera probably know already, though.

Y/N looks at Dumbledore, serious. “When do we leave?” she simply asks.

Dumbledore’s eyes sparkle. That’s exactly what Snape asked when Y/N was kidnapped by the Trix a few months ago.

“Right now” the Headmaster declares.

Suddenly, the girls hear a voice that they haven’t heard in a long time. “I am going on the mission, too” the voice states.

#harry potter #the walking dead #twd #fanfiction #the keeper of the diamond #negan #severus snape #lucius malfoy #negan x reader #severus snape x reader #lucius malfoy x reader #reader #crossover

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naplunamod · 4 years

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primrose (an itaxsaku fic)

This was for a gift exchange in an itasaku server i was in...my prompt was “That doesn’t mean what you think it means.” here’s hoping that whoever’s prompt i got will see this (sorry it’s late i got caught up with taking summer classes)

Men were dense.

Uchiha men unbelievably so. Or at least that's what she thought at first.

So when Sakura received her first bouquet of flowers from Itachi Uchiha, a beautiful mixture of blue salvias, pansies, pink camellias with a single creamy white lily in the middle of it, for her official graduation as Tsunade's apprentice, she smiled and blushed while taking it but ultimately thought nothing of it. After all men were strange and Itachi Uchiha was perhaps the strangest of them all.

The second time Sakura received flowers from Itachi Uchiha, if you could even consider them flowers, just so happened to be after a particularly hard death. She was 6 years old. Eyes as clear and unique as the twilight sky they reminded her of...at least when they weren't darkened to a deep purple with pain. Lady Tsunade tried to warn her. There were just some things medical chakra (which speeds up cell division to produce new healthy cells) couldn't heal. She should have listened. So when there were no more sweet smiles, no more ringing laughter, no more soft pleas for “Pleeeeease just one more story and I promise i'll go to sleep Sakura Onee-chan pretty pretty please with frosting on top”, Sakura was an emotionally devastated wreck (it came with wearing your heart on your sleeve). So when she saw the small aloe vera plant sitting so innocently on her window sill the next morning with his perfect scrawling handwriting on an even smaller card, she got angry. Was he mocking her? Giving her a plant that promoted healing, with an angry grief stricken cry the aloe had a new home against her wall. But, just like her, the next day the aloe was back in her window in it's small broken pot now glued back together with a small thank you written in messy doctor's script. That afternoon Tillian (or Tilli as Naruto and Ino would come to know her) gained a window buddy a golden pothos by the name of Balthazar (courtesy of Kakashi-sensei. It was cute in a weird sort of way).

These in her opinion strange but thoughtful and hey what girl didn't like to receive flowers every now and then occurrences continued to happen for a while. A daffodil here, an iris there whether it was a special occasion or not. Most of the time they were left on her doorstep or windowsill with just his name and no explanation. And never a bouquet, not since that first time, just a single flower in a small vase or with a cute ribbon tied around it.

The first time he actually spoke to her was on her 21st birthday. Because she had an early shift the next day and totally NOT because a certain ramen obsessed ninja begged her and threatened to tell a certain Ino-pig that she wanted a big blow out party until she gave in she found herself at a small celebration at Ichiraku. Naruto was going on about he and Sasuke's latest mission which ended up with Sasuke waist deep in muck and him dangling upside down from above while being attacked by the migratory birds they were sent to capture and relocate. Naruto was wildly and animatedly getting to the best part (his words and not her own), evidently one of the male birds took a liking to the back of Sasuke's head a little too much his resulting shudder and grumbled “It wasn't THAT funny dobe” made it all the funnier though she'd never say that out loud when they were interrupted by Itachi's soft and smooth “Sakura-San”. Somewhat surprised she smiled and returned his greeting. “Itachi-San. What brings you by?” Both Sasuke and Naruto seemed to be taken aback by Itachi's soft smile shot her way though she really had no idea why. Sure he was a little bit emotionally repressed but no more so than Sai.

If Itachi was uncomfortable with the sudden attention he was getting from Sasuke and Naruto he didn't show it. “I heard from a little black birdie that I might find you here for your birthday.”

Sakura hummed not surprised at all at that bit of information though she did make a mental note to put said curly-haired black birdie on bedpan duty for a week. Shisui may be an Uchiha in name but he was just about as gossipy as some of the younger nurses in the hospital and last thing she needed was rumors being started. Still she nodded to Itachi “Yeah I didn't want anything big so I decided to have dinner with the boys.”

Itachi nodded to them as if seeing them for the first time “Ototo, Naruto-kun... I don't mean to intrude I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and to give you these.”

Sakura gently took the small bouquet he held out to her. “It's beautiful...thank you Itachi-san”. Much smaller than the first this one contained only a few simple flowers. A few magenta zinnias, a few gardenias and a red carnation framed by some smilax vines.

Itachi dipped his head “Ah. I will take my leave then. Enjoy your meal Sakura-san. Ototo, Naruto-kun.” Just as quickly as he appeared he was gone.

Sighing softly Sakura could feel their stares at the back of her head effectively ruining the mood. “What?” she turned to her two brothers in arms.

“What was that about??” Naruto pointed story forgotten.

“Ah...are you and my brother dating?” If it were anyone but Sasuke she would swear there was a hint of jelousy in his voice...then again it was Itachi he was asking about so it probably was.

Shrugging Sakura looked at the two of them “No we're not dating. He was just being nice it is my birthday after all.” Not that she should have to explain herself to them but really they were reading too much into a kind gesture. At their disbelieving looks she frowned “Look...Naruto remember last year when Itachi-san got you those special kunai for your birthday? And don't even get me started on how he practically buys out every tomato in the village for Sasuke's. Presents are expected to be given for your birthday. He's just being nice. Nothing more.”

More time passed and things continued on in the same manner. Sakura realized that soon she would need to start drying out and preserving her flowers because she was beginning to run out of room and even though it only used the most minimal amount of chakra to keep them fresh and beautiful eventually even that wears on you. Vowing to herself that after her shift she'd stop by the Yamanaka flower shop to grab a flower scrap book it would soon be forgotten for now. It would also lead to the first time in a few months that Sakura wouldn't receive flowers for a while. For when she reached her office one of the newly graduated nurses was waiting for her at her office door. His name was Tsukishima Kei, only a few years younger than her he was already well on his way to becoming head nurse. With his short messy blonde hair, honey colored brown eyes, and physic that despite not being a shinobi shows that he takes time to keep in shape it was really no wonder he was popular among the female patients however, he was surprisingly well liked with the kids. He could almost rival Shisui in the looks department though unlike Shisui his bedside manner could use some work. Nodding in greeting to him Sakura let him into her office after he asked to speak with her for a moment. Fifteen minutes later Tsukishima left her office and Sakura found herself with a date that Saturday evening. Ino was positively excited although Sakura got the distinct air of disappointment once she told Ino who it was she was going out with. But Ino didn't tell so she didn't ask. Sakura also vaguely wondered why Ino didn't comment on the bounty of flowers dotting her apartment everywhere... with the way she absolutely refused to let Sakura pick out her own clothes or do her own hair. But she had to admit when Ino finished she looked absolutely radiant. Tsukishima thought so too earning him a pretty blush as she looped her arm through his with a wave to Ino not to wait up. She never even noticed Ino's frown or the purple aster and another blue salvia sitting by her doorstep, carefully brought in by Ino upon her leaving. She did notice however a few weeks into dating Tsukki at his insistence she found it kinda cute that he wanted her to call him by the same nickname he best friend did... that the flowers had stopped. It made her feel weird and not in a good way. Did Itachi somehow know they were dating? And why did it matter so much? A week later much to her relief, perhaps with the uptick of missions he didn't have time to leave her any Sakura found a small bundle of yellow flowers on her desk. A yellow carnation, a yellow hyacintha, a marigold, and a yellow rose lay neatly on her desk tied up in a yellow ribbon. Smiling fondly albeit a little confused that they weren't in a vase like usual she pulled out a beaker and filled it with water for the flowers and placed them on the corner of her desk. Two months into dating Tsukki they decided mutually to break it off. While they found that they challenged each other intellectually they both agreed that that certain romantic spark just wasn't there. Sakura also realized that deep down some part of her was almost happy at the turn of events because she hadn't received any more flowers from Itachi since the yellow ones and she was 90% sure he knew she was dating someone despite she and Tsukki's efforts to keep it secret. It was weird how the thought of not getting more flowers from him, despite them rarely talking or seeing each other bothered her more than breaking up with Tsukki. It also didn't hurt that she noticed the longing glances that he shared with the new doctor, she believed his name was Tetsuro Kuroo and even teased him about them laughing at Tsukki's sputtering blush. It wasn't until Ino decided to visit one afternoon for lunch that Sakura realized that there might indeed be something to the flowers she had been receiving. It was a few days after her breakup honestly she never knew how Ino found out these things about her personal life so fast and Sakura agreed under the condition that they had lunch in her office because she was on duty today and on call for the next few days to which Ino readily agreed. As usual for their lunch dates they talked about their days what they had been doing since last seeing each other to her surprise Ino had started a tentative relationship with Sai of all people. Naturally talking about her own budding relationship Ino asked her friend about her own to which Sakura explained about she and Tsukki's mutual break up. And while she didn't seem too upset about it Ino still felt the need reply because at this rate the biggest fish was likely to swim away.

“Cheer up forehead. You know how that old cliche saying goes there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” She gauged her friend's reaction.

Sakura hummed not committally into her food “I don't know pig. The general consensus has not been in my favor. Aside from Tsukki nobody has shown any interest in me.”

Ino could have.... wanted to slap her forehead. She knew Sakura could be a bit stubborn...still watching her friend closely she wondered if Sakura even knew with a mental sigh and eye roll (really and she though men were difficult but this also was Sakura she was talking about) “Those flowers on your desk seem to suggest otherwise.” she said dryly with a wave to the still living bundle.

Sakura looked up from her food with a raised eyebrow. “What are you talking about pig?” Those are just flowers....arn't they?

Ino did sigh out loud this time leave it to Sakura to forget the first thing they learned in kunoichi class. “If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.” She stood and grabbed her things but was sastified when Sakura got that look that she got when trying to puzzle something out. “Tell you what. Because I'm such an awesome friend...” she flipped her long hair behind her back earning an eyeroll from Sakura “...stop by the shop after your shift and I'll give you a hint. And bring those with you.” She nodded at the yellow flowers on her way out.

Sakura sighed as she settled into her couch notebook and scrap book in one hand, the book Ino let her borrow the night before “The Kunoichi's Kado” and a fresh hot cup of tea ready to do what she was best known for...research. She supposed if Ino went through all of this trouble she could at least give it a try though she was fairly confident that nothing would come of this. Especially after finding a new set of flowers on her windowsill this morning, a clovenlip toadflax, a moss rosebud and a spider flower. At least that had been her mindset when she started this little project hours earlier. But...she couldn't deny the evidence right in front of her and maybe realized it a lot sooner if she had continued on with her kunoichi classes.

Blue salvia - I think of you

pansy – love and admiration

iris - a message

pink camellia – longing for you

white lily – purity

aloe vera – grief He was grieving with her she realized looking over to Tillie

golden pothos – perseverance

daffodil - you're the only one

magenta zinnias – lasting affection

gardenia – secret love

red carnation – admiration, my heart aches for you

smilax – loveliness

purple aster – kindness, gentleness, wisedom

yellow carnation – jealousy

yellow hyacintha – jealousy

marigold – jealousy

yellow rose – jealousy

Sakura sighed at this though she supposed she couldn't blame him. She'd be jealous if she saw her crush going out with someone else as well. That also explained the lack of flowers.

Clovenlip toadflax – please notice my feelings for you

moss rosebud – confession of love

spider flower – elope with me hopefully he meant go out with him Sakura wasn't sure if she was ready for marrage just yet.

All this time Itachi had been plainely or not so plainely stating his feelings for her and she never realized. Though in a way it made sense not being able to express himself outwardly he expressed himself in the only way he really knew how. And she never noticed. She had to go see him right away. She had to know. Had to let him know.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at his pink haired teammate who currently was huffing like she had sprinted across the village which is exactly what she did she needed to train more with her boys if she's this winded from a little sprint.

“S...Sasuke is Itachi home? I need to talk to him.”

Sasuke's eyebrow rose even higher “Hn... he just left for a mission with his team about 10 minutes ago. His team moves pretty fast but if you hurry you might be able to catch him.” Sakuke watched as her whole body seem to deflate meaning she likely wasn't going to go after him. Especially when he saw her worrying her lip with indecision “Look...his team is fast and effiecent. He should be gone for maybe three days. If that long. You could always just tell him when he gets back.” He leaned aganst the doorway still watching her.

“Y...yeah you're right. I wouldn't want him to not be focused on the mission. And I just might need a little more time to think myself.”

“Let me guess. You found something out and made a rash decision?” Sasuke smirked.

Sakura narrowed her eyes “How long?”

“Since your birthday for sure.”

“And you didn't say anything?” she asked incredulously.

Again Sasuke shrugged “Wasn't my place.”

“Ass...” Sakura muttered hating to admit that he was right. No matter how frustrating it was knowing that she wouldn't be getting any answers rigtht away. But perhase it was for the best. A relationship with Uchiha Itachi wasn't something she could or should just jump into. “And you're ok with this?”

“At least I'm a good looking one.” Sasuke retorted earning himself an eye roll and a punch to the shoulder. “Besides. I'd rather it be you than any of his fangirls.”

Something wasn't right. Sakura could feel it like a second skin clinging to her rousing her from her sleep long before the Anbu arrived at her window. Call it a 7th sense if you will that medics tended to develop. She was already half way dressed when she heard the familiar tapping at her window.

“The Hokage requires your assistance. Several recon teams have come in severely injured and in critical condition.”

Grabbing several soilder pills for herself no doubt in her mind she'd need them tonight they were both gone in a flash. What greeted Sakura was nothing short of complete chaos. Rolling her sleeves up she dived into the fray. Nobody would be dying tonight if she could help it.

Beep...

Beep....

Beep.......

Itachi groaned blindly reaching out to turn off that incessant beeping from his alarm. His entire body was sore all over and all he wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. His brow furrowed as his brain struggled to connect the dots. there shouldn't be an alarm clock going off he should still be out in the field....His eyes shot open and he sat up a little too quickly causing the world of sterile white around him to swim. Just how long was he out? He looked around the room once his vision cleared at least he was in a Konoha hospital which means he and his team had made it back...or close enough for someone to find them and bring them back. Laying back against his pillows he turned his head intending to get some more rest before he was undoubtedly bombarded with friends, family and the Hokage once they all knew he was awake when he saw evidence of someone already having visited. He chuckled softly to himself and closed his eyes. On the night stand was a black and red vase....it's contents a jonquil, a white jasmine and a single sakura branch. Returned affections and willingness respectively the thought of Sakura was willing to give them a try filled him with a nervous sort of warmth as he sank back into the bed tiredness once again over taking him. It took a while, and admittedly he was worried but it seems that in the end he shouldn't have.

#itachi x sakura #itach uchiha #itachi #itachi uchiha #Sakura Haruno #sakura x itachi #sakura #itasaku #sakuita #ita x saku #saku x ita #flowers #meanings of flowers #fanfic #fluff #romance #prompts #i worked really hard on this #oblivious sakura

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nyttvera · 3 years

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vera… love! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! oml happy birthday! i hope you’ll have the most amazing day ever filled with everything you could wish for and more, because you deserve that so much for being such a wonderful and amazing human being! i hope your day will be filled with so much joy and laughter, smile and good vibes and just everything that makes you happy! 💛💛 thank you for blessing me with your talent and your creativity. i really enjoy seeing your gifs on my dash and everytime i’m just amazed by the things you do. you have your own unique style and i lvoe that so much, i can always see when it’s your gifset with the amazing (yellow) coloring and the quality of it because you do deliver some of the most amazing and beautiful gifsets ever! 💛💛 thank you for being a part of this fandom, it wouldn’t have been the same without you and even though i’m in love with all your sobbe and wtfock gifsets i can’t wait to see more from you and just follow along hihi. you’re such a ray of sunshine vera, and please keep shining so bright hihi. and here’s a little message from sweet baby robeb who is wishing you a happy birthday because that’s what you deserve. much love to you vera and i’m sending lots of birthday hugs and kusjes to you! 💛💛✨✨

CILLE??? YOU GOT ME SO EMOTIONAL WITH THIS MESSAGE 🥺🥺 thank you so much for every compliment and for the lovely wishes my day was great <33 also thanks to your beautiful beige set with my beloved and this baby robbe gif :’) ILYSM!!! thank you thank you 💛

#cille 💫#my day 💐🌼#im 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#sending you loove 💕💗💛💕💘💕#mutuals that own my heart ✨

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join-the-joywrite · 4 years

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Hamish & Vera soulmate au headcannons

Here's another first words au, but with some key elements suggested by a literal ball of sunshine and a source of incredible joy for me

So anyway, I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about this one and whether to do it as a non-magic/knight au or stick somewhat to cannon before finally coming to a decision -- and I'm not even sure it was a good decision sksnsjwn. Geronimo!

You're born with a tattoo on your arm, the first words your soulmate says to you.

Vera's born with her arm bare. After searching the rest of her, the midwife confirmed that no, the baby girl has no markings at all, no shrunken words that will grow to readable when she grows, no hidden words tattooed where everyone else's wasn't. It was believed that perhaps her soulmate hadn't been born as yet. That happened, right? Soulmates could change, right? It didn't mean she'd be alone for the rest of her life, right?

Vera grew up with the lack of a soulmate being a key factor to how people saw her. Other kids didn't bother with her because who wants to be friends with the girl who doesn't even have a soulmate? Vera hardens up from a very young age, pissed at everyone around her for trying to dictate her life and her choices around a stupid tattoo.

So what if she didn't have a single word etched on her body? It wasn't going to stop her from living a full and happy life. Vera's happy little life is shattered the day she tells her boyfriend she's pregnant and she never hears from him again.

But that's okay. It's not like he was her soulmate, the one person who was supposed to be with her no matter what. It's okay. She'll be fine. She'll manage.

Vera's very last bits of positivity and hope dies with her daughter. The world sucks and everyhting in it sucks worse. Bitterness starts to grow, from being born with her skin bare to realising that she was going to have to look out for herself always. Alone.

If she can't have people and love in her life, she's going to have a name and money. So she goes after it like a moth to a flame. She throws everything that she is into her studies, makes sure she gets all the right grades. She studies people, too. She knows when to smile, when to laugh, when to tear up. She knows what to do to get reactions she wants.

Vera learns how to dominate a conversation and she knows how to always seem like the most intelligent person in the room. She's yet to meet anyone who sees through her pretty lies.

Hamish is young. He's planned to get into law and he's convinced he's going to be the best out there. The only thing he's not certain about is the fact that the words on his wrist reads "oh shit-fuck you're sorry I'm hot"

He's hoping it's a misunderstanding of some kind.

It's his second or third month on campus and he's walking with his nose in a textbook when he collides with another book-sniffer, only Hamish meets the ground and decides to lay there for a minute.

The girl he bumped into quickly starts mumbling curses to herself as she gathers up her book, then his. "Oh, shit-fuck," she says when she realises he's still laying on the floor. He squints in the sunlight. "You're sorry, I'm hot."

There is a brief pause. "I mean! I'm sorry, you're hot! Wait, that's not much better."

Hamish laughs. "That -- that makes a lot of sense."

"Wut?"

Hamish accepts her hand up and shows her his wrist. She gets excited when she realises it. She starts talking about how she's wondered for so long what the hell could've possibly been said to warrant the words on her wrist.

A minute and a half later she realises she hasn't actually introduced herself yet.

It's a few months later, maybe four or five, when Hamish visits Cassie at the den instead of the usual places -- the bar, the grounds, his apartment, her dorm, even a few classes. The guy she's staying with, Nico, introduces himself as Cassie's brother.

"I didn't know you had a brother." "I don't. He just drinks my beer and passes out somewhere in here. Anyway, Nico, this is Hamish."

"So, you're the little shit that's got all my sister's attention." "I would hope so."

Nico takes to Hamish immediately. He thinks Hamish is hilarious and a really great person. Nico pressures Cassie into telling Hamish about the Knights. Eventually, she chooses to listen and the two of them take Hamish down to the hide locker.

"There's three hides in there. Silverback, Tundra, and Greybeard. Good luck."

Tundra's the one that chooses Hamish and it just feels so wonderful to have a family -- a pack.

Nico is the first to die. Cassie is devastated. Even Hamish, who'd only known Nico a month, maybe two at best, is struck hard by it. Nico goes out protecting the pack -- as Midnight often does.

For a long time, it's just Cassie and Hamish. The den gets really quiet and on those days, they sit just as quiet, lost in their thoughts. Cassie rarely ever speaks to anyone but Hamish. He's the only person that could even begin to understand how she feels about losing Nico. Despite all her talk, she loved him as one loves family.

It's almost a year later when Hamish becomes the only Knight.

Hamish stops talking. He never asks questions in class anymore. He never answers any either. Cassie was his whole world. He loved her more than anything or anyone in his life. He should have been there. But she'd wanted to go alone. She said she could handle it. She couldn't and Hamish sat alone, toasting to Cassie's life by himself as he looked at the lockers.

Do you know that feeling when you're just so fucking hurt and sad, that even opening your mouth to breathe is exhausting? It takes so much energy to speak. Why even speak? Who's going to listen? Do you know that hollow feeling after you've cried for what feels like hours? That emptiness that follows when you realise that what you had is truly gone and you are never going to get it back?

Hamish hasn't felt any different since Cassie died.

Hamish doesn't look at his wrist anymore. He's certain by now the words have faded. He can't look because looking means he'll see the blank wrist and seeing his blank wrist means Cassie is really truly gone.

Hamish drops out of law school and picks up something else. Something that requires less talking. Somewhen along the line, a TA position for a lecturer of his opens up. Hamish ignores it.

Hamish has been at Belgrave for three years and Vera for seven when they finally collide. Literally. Hamish recognises her. She's some super smart final year student or something. He's pretty sure she's trying to take over the university and he's pretty sure no one's going to get in the way trying to stop her.

He means to apologise but like every other opportunity he's faced with, the words don't make it past his throat.

"Fuck this bullshit," Vera says to herself before deciding she wants to relax on the grass for just a moment. The busy life can wait a while. She glances at the tower of a man. "Don't make me look like an idiot, get down here."

Hamish doesn't know why he sits. But when he does, he realises it's quite peaceful.

"You're not much of a talker, are you?" Hamish shakes his head. "Can't or won't?"

Hamish opens his mouth slightly, inhales, then closes his mouth. He turns his head the other way.

"Won't, I see. That's fine. Some quiet is welcome."

They lay on the grass for a few minutes, avoiding the sun in the shade of a large tree. The grass is soft, the air is light, the shade is cool. For the first time in what feels like forever, both of them feel peaceful.

"This is nice." Hamish nods. "I'd love to do it again. Here." Hamish frowns at the phone she hands him. "Put your number in. Even if you won't talk, I'm sure you can text, right?"

Hamish nods slowly.

Three days later, he gets a message: I need to rest but there are too many other students and I don't want to look like a lonely loser. Followed by a location link.

They lay on the grass until Hamish has to go to class.

Hamish doesn't visit the bar anymore because he can't go in there without seeing Cassie and Nico. Both are equally bad. He didn't deserve Nico's sacrifice. He was supposed to look after Cassie for Nico. Vera doesn't visit the bar because there are too many people in there and she'd really rather not get distracted by another breathing thing.

But she goes to the library and there's Hamish, sitting alone, head in a book. Vera takes the books she needs and sits across him. She doesn't say thing. She doesn't need to. Hamish usually drowns out the sounds in the library, but theres something soothing about the rhythmic clacking of the keys on Vera's laptop and the odd turn of a page when she pays attention to the book beside it.

It's almost thirty minutes later when she nudges his foot under the table and turns the laptop to him. In a bright pink font at the top of her essay is: Check for me, please?

Hamish can't help the small grin of amusement as he sets his book down and pulls the laptop towards him. Vera reaches over and pages through Hamish's book, making sure not to loose his bookmark.

They do this often. So often, that they've learnt each other's schedules without even realising. Sometimes Vera will go to that spot under the tree and pull out her phone to text Hamish, only to already see him approaching. Sometimes Hamish walls into the library wondering if perhaps, he should send Vera a message, but she's already there, working on some assignment or something with a deep frown on her face that vanishes when he sits down.

Hamish is walking Vera to class one day and she says, "You know, for a guy who doesn't talk, you sure find a way to say a lot of things." Hamish is confused because he's literally never said a single word to her. "Ex-girlfriend?" she asks, pointing to Cassie's favourite ring on a chain around his neck. Nico had given it to her for her birthday but he'd got it a size too small so she wore it on a chain. Hamish looks away. Vera studies him. ".... dead . . . girlfriend?"

Hamish nods very slowly.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, have you ever been to a PR Management class? You'll like the lecturer. Come on."

The next time Vera is walking him to his class, he pauses before the door, holding a hand out to her. "Psychology 212, why not?" Vera spends the entire lesson drawing flowers on the back of Hamish's hand.

It's that night, when he's sitting at the den, that he looks at his hand. The flowers are already fading away, but they're so pretty. For the first time in years, he turns his arm over. He kind of hopes to see his wrist blank, because he's starting to really like Vera and he doesn't want to stay hung up on Cassie. It wouldn't be fair to Vera.

His wrist isn't blank. Instead, clear as day, the ink reads: Don't make me look like an idiot, get down here

Hamish's phone rings. Had Vera's name not been flashing, he wouldn't have answered.

"I know you won't say anything but I need someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen." And then Vera tells him about her day. Even if he did plan to respond, Vera didn't even pause for a breather. She tells him about this stupid professor that was hitting on her and she tells him how she thought about kicking him in the nuts but the classroom still had a few other students and she didn't want to gain a violent reputation. She tells him about how she went to the library to study but some fucker stole her desk. She tells him all sorts of trivial things. And then she starts. She's tired. She's exhausted. Not to mention, being in the Order is hard work and that's the one thing she's not going to tell Hamish about. She doesn't want that sweet innocent boy tangled up in the Order's drama and danger. But she tells him how everything else is weighing on her and she's set impossibly high standards for herself and people expect her to meet them and she's just tired. "I'm going to send you an address. Please come."

When Hamish ultimately decides to go, he isn't sure what to expect, but it certainly isn't five boxes of pizza, four two-litre bottles of soda, two wine bottles, and a list of three movies to choose from.

"I'm breaking up with my degree" Vera says when she answers the door. Hamish nods. Yeah, he can see that. Hamish doesn't think he's ever seen Vera in sweats and with her hair untidy. "You gonna help me eat all this or stand in the doorway forever?"

They end up watching all three movies. Vera says she'll clean up when the sun comes up. She burrows into her blanket and curls up against Hamish. "As far as first dates go, this was kinda nice."

Everything gets easier. They know where to find each other. Vera's even learnt to speak Hamish. She says she's naming the language after him because no one else can speak with the strange gestures and eye movements. Hamish thinks she's adorable.

In the second semester, they share a class. Hamish is taking it for the degree he's currently doing and Vera's taking it for credits and because Hamish is. They cheated on almost that entire exam because no one realised they were communicating.

It's a quiet day on Vera's couch when Hamish shows her his wrist. "Isn't that what I said when. . ."

Vera shows him her bare wrist. He kisses her forehead and pulls her close. She smiles. It doesn't bother him.

She tells him about her daughter one day. She doesn't even need him to say anything. Just knowing that he's still sitting with her, still holding on to her, is enough.

They're watching some movie. Well, neither of them are actually watching it. Hamish has Vera in his lap, his chin on her shoulder. Both are watching Vera's thumb make small circles on her bare wrist. Hamish kisses her cheek. The first words out his mouth since Cassie are a soft whisper against Vera's ear. "I love you."

And Vera watches the words ink themselves into her wrist, clear as day. It wasn't that she didn't have a soulmate. It was just that hers didn't speak. Until now. She turns halfway to kiss him. "I love you, too."

And we're going to stop there because the next bit is cannon territory and we all know I'll probably handle that with angst :)

Part 2

@gingersimasnapsandvermishthings I kinda got u sis

See the other soulmate aus that kept me awake at night until I wrote them down

#hamish x vera #hamish duke #vera stone #vermish #the order #the hermetic order of the blue rose #the knights of st christopher #the knights of the blue rose #the knights of saint christopher #netflix #soulmate au #soulmates #please just give me the soulmate au i want

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labyrinthof-fan-fiction · 4 years

Text

Laughing on the Outside (Crying on the Inside)

Bucky X Fem!Reader

A/N: Hi, me again, with another fic inspired by a song from my Vera Lynn Playlist….. I’m sorry. Should I be considering these Song fics? Does it count if I’m not directly quoting the lyrics through the whole thing….? But I love it. Dinah Shore’s ‘Laughing on the Outside (Crying on the Inside) is our new muse. Recorded in 1946, made it to #3 on the Billboard Charts. Written by Bernie Wayne, Lyrics by Ben Raleigh.

Summary: You and Bucky had broken up a while ago, but who should you come across at a dance club, the night before he ships off to war?

Warnings: Angst, again. Alcohol consumption, minor swears.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bucky, Steve, any of the Marvel Universe. I do not own ‘Laughing on the Outside (Crying on the Inside).’

Word Count: 2,920

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes was the happiest man on Earth, at least to most of the people who saw him. There were only two people who could see through is mask, his best friend, Steve Rogers and you. But now there was only one, Steve. You had left him, for good reasons too. He was an arrogant prick, at times. And you had called him on it, he snapped. You left him, something he never thought would happen. The ring he had stored in the top drawer of his dresser was proof of that.

To the whole world he was a carefree young man. Dancing and romancing all the women he could find. Each night there was a new dame on his arm. Women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him, and he just wanted you. Steve had walked in on him holding your picture with tears streaming down his face. It had been months since you walked away.

“She’s gone, Steve. She’s not coming back.” Bucky muttered. “And I’m still in love with her.” His thumb brushing gently over the cheek of your photo.

“Buck….” Steve began, but he wasn’t sure how to proceed. He knew Bucky loved you, and he was still confused on why the two of you broke up. Bucky never gave him the specifics. And you had kept your distance from him to the point that he was sure you were avoiding him.

Bucky wiped the tears from his eyes, placed your photo back into his wallet, and turned to the blonde man in front of him. “How ‘bout we go out tonight?”

“If you’re sure…” Steve said warily.

“Yeah, yeah, it’ll be fine.” Bucky answered, running a hand through his short hair. A smile splitting his face, not quite making it to his storm cloud grey eyes. Steve was wondering if the blue would ever return to his best friend eyes. Bucky went through the door first, Steve paused, his eyes falling on the unmistakeable black velvet box on top of Bucky’s dresser. He was frozen for a second, surely, that wasn’t….. He shook his head. Buck would have told him if he was going to propose, wouldn’t he?

He scampered after his dark haired friend, who had already made his way into the street. A suave air surrounded Bucky, but Steve could feel the falsity of it. Even when Bucky ended the night with a girl wrapped in his arms, smile on his face as he walked her home, Steve trailing behind with the girl’s reluctant friend. When they bid the girls goodnight Steve could feel the shift in his friend. The carefree attitude melted away and he was left with a sulky Bucky.

More months passed and Bucky was out with a new woman each day and night. Sometimes there were even more than one on his arm. Steve was concerned for his friend. While the rest of the world saw him having the time of his life, “Just as a young man should.” One of Bucky’s neighbors said. Steve hoped they remembered that sentiment as he lugged his much larger, very drunk, best friend back to his apartment.

“Dammit, Buck,” Steve said as his friend leaned against the wall of his apartment building, swaying from the amount of alcohol in his system. Steve cursed his smaller stature, he would have thrown Bucky into his room if he had been able.

A chuckle escaped Bucky’s lips, “Dammit is right, Stevie.” He hiccuped. “Dammit, Barnes. Dammit, dammit, dammit.”

Steve let a sigh escape his lips. He didn’t want to discount the feelings Bucky was having, but damn did he wish that his friend had a healthier way of dealing. “What’s going on Buck?”

“It’s her birthday, you know what I was going to do for her birthday?” Bucky asked, his hand going into his pocket. “I was going to give her this.” He pulled the black velvet box out. He opened it and Steve could see the diamond sparkling in the moonlight. “I was going to ask her to spend her life with me.” Tears started streaming from his eyes. A sob broke through his lips.

Steve’s heart clenched as he watched his friend sink to the ground, cradling the engagement ring to his chest. Full bodied sobs echoing in the alley. Steve sat next to Bucky, remaining silent.

“I’ll love her until I die, Stevie.” He said, his head resting against the wall as he stared up at the sky. “No one else will compare.”

“I know, Buck, I know.” Steve said, he knew that Bucky meant every word he said. If only he could get him to say them to you. But he doubted that was possible. First off, you had been avoiding him. Second, he had heard you had a new beau. He hadn’t brought it upon himself to tell the man next to him just yet. He didn’t know if he could, he feared that if he did it would break his best friend.

Bucky sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes, placing the ring in his pocket. “We can’t sleep out here.” He pulled himself up shakily, Steve quickly standing and throwing Bucky’s arm over his shoulders to give him something to lean on. Steve managed to help his friend into bed, Bucky rolled over and looked at Steve. “Do you think she loves me still?”

Steve paused, he had almost made it out the door. “I don’t know, Buck. You’d have to ask her.”

A dry chuckle fell from Bucky’s lips, “Yeah.” Steve heard soft snores from his friend and made his exit, not before he heard your name fall from Bucky’s lips.

A year had passed since the break up and Bucky was out on the town. He was feeling like no one could stop him, he was on top of the world. Confidence oozed from his pores as he walked down the street. Steve had been busy today, so Bucky decided to take a walk around the block. He waved at a few dames he came across, opened some doors, charmed an uptown girl. He stopped in his tracks when he rounded the corner and he came face to face with you.

“Watch where you’re……going.” You snapped, slowing down when you saw who was in front of you. “James…..”

“Y/N.” He said softly, before a grin fell across his face. “What are you doing in this neck of the woods?”

You were taken aback by his smile, “You know I work here.”

He glanced around, “I guess you do, I forgot. Been a while.”

“It has.” You said softly, taking in the sight of the man in front of you. He seemed happy, or at least he wanted you to believe he was happy. But you knew better. It’s not your responsibility anymore, you made sure of that. You reminded yourself.

“Well, it was nice seeing you. Take care.” He said, giving you a nod continuing on down the street. You could hear him whistling down the street. You felt a small pang in your chest as you watched his retreating form, a small part of you wishing that he would turn around, but he never did.

As he walked away he felt his eyes stinging, but tears refused to fall. His heart felt like it was weeping. But he whistled as he walked, trying to distract himself from the tearing of the feeble repairs he had made to his broken heart.

Two more years passed before you found each other again. You were at your favorite dance hall. It was packed with men in uniforms, looking for a dame to dance the night away with, before they were sent to war. You were more than happy to spin around the dance hall, it took your mind off of him. At least, it did until a man who reminded you of him took you out onto the floor. A flash of dark hair or grey eyes were enough for you to imagine you were in his arms again. You found yourself wondering if he was going to war, was he there already, was he alive? You stopped yourself, you couldn’t think about that right now. The man whose arms you were in didn’t need you staining his uniform with your tears over another.

Bucky straightened the tie on his new uniform. It felt odd to him, standing in front of his mirror, looking at this version of himself. Sure, this was what he had wanted, but it still didn’t feel like him. He glanced down at the drawer in his dresser, the ring box still there. He opened the drawer and pulled the ring out of the box and tucking it into his breast pocket. He knew most of the boys took tokens of their girls with them. He didn’t have you anymore, but he could pretend, he thought as he placed his hand over the ring.

“Buck, c’mon. I’m not getting any younger.” Steve called, “If we want to go dancing you need to get out of your room and stop staring at yourself. Damn narcissistic bastard.”

“Comin’.” Bucky called to him as he made his way to the door, placing his hat upon his head. Time to dance the night away and pretend it was you in his arms.

Steve and Bucky entered the dancehall, Steve quickly felt uneasy. Something in his bones made him want to flee. Bucky’s eyes swept the hall, looking for his target. He stopped when he saw you in the corner, alone against the wall. This couldn’t be right, there was no way you were here. He pinched his wrist, he wasn’t asleep. This wasn’t a dream, but did it feel like a dream to see you standing there.

Steve followed Bucky’s eyes and realized why his best friend had frozen. “Bucky…”

“I’m not going to go die without telling her I’m still in love with her.” Bucky cut Steve off, the ring in his pocket feeling heavy.

Steve stepped in front of him, he may be smaller, but he was far superior in the stubbornness department, that was if you asked him. “Buck, think about this before you do something stupid.”

“Steve,” Bucky began, looking down at his friend in front of him. “I might not come home. And damn it all, I’m going to tell her everything. It might not change anything, but I will go over there knowing that she knows.” He pushed aside his friend and made his way over to your corner. Your back was to him, intently watching the band. He removed his hat and put it in one hand. “Hello, doll.”

You turned quickly, fearing that if you were too slow that voice, that man would disappear. But he remained behind you, nervously tapping his fingers on the hat in his hands. A smile came across your face.

“Is there room on your dance card for me?” He asked sheepishly.

“Always.” You answered, his eyes lighting up, he placed his hat on the table next to you and offered his hand. You took it in yours and allowed him to lead you onto the dance floor. His hand pulled yours to his shoulder, his other arm wrapping around your waist, pulling you close to him. You wrapped your empty arm around his neck. You felt his heartbeat pounding in his chest. You instinctively put your hand in his hair, massaging his scalp.

You felt a warm puff of air on your cheek. “Doll….” He murmured low into your ear. Your knees grew weak and you were glad for the grip he held on your waist.

“Darling. I’m so sorry.” You whispered. You could feel the tears falling from your eyes. He burrowed his face into your neck, breathing in your scent. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He remained silent for a moment. You stiffened, wondering what he would do, how he would react. His hand at your waist moved in circles along the small of your back. “I’m sorry too.”

You remained in each others embrace, lucky the band had chosen to do a slow set. “I still love you, doll. I always have.” Bucky stated abruptly, breaking the silence. “I had to tell you before I go. I don’t know what’s going to happen over there, but I needed you to know…”

You cut him off by pulling away from his embrace, causing a panicked look to come across his face. You ignored this and pulled him closer to you, pressing your lips to his. The world around the two of you faded away as you deepened the kiss, his left hand remaining on your waist, his right threading itself in your hair.

You broke apart for a moment to allow each other air before his lips crashed back into yours. You let out a small hum as he pressed even closer, you doubted that even air could be between the two of you. He pulled away, breathless and stared into your eyes. He didn’t press you for a response to his confessions, he didn’t ask for an explanation, he just stared into your eyes.

Neither of you said a word, continuing to remain in each others arms for the rest of the night. Last call was announced and Bucky held his arm out to you. “Let me walk you home, just one last time.”

You accepted the arm, noticing Steve out of the corner of your eye. A small smile was on his face.

The walk home was quiet, but comfortable. You had so much you wanted to say, but no words fell from your lips. When you made it to your doorstep you turned to the man in front of you. When you had broken up a boy was in front you. Impulsive and headstrong. Here was a man. Here is the man you love.

He glanced nervously between you and the door. Right now the only thought in your minds was the very really possibility that this would be the last time you saw each other. Your rational side begged you to think things through, but you threw caution to the wind. You could not send him to war without letting him know how you felt.

“I’m still in love with you.” You blurted out, at the same time he said, “I love you.”

You both chuckled. Bucky placed a hand on your cheek. “Some way, some how, I’m going to make it back to you, doll. I swear it.”

You leant into his hand, “Don’t make promises you don’t know you can keep.”

“Come hell or high water, I won’t spend anymore time away from you. I will not spend any more time pretending that I am not hopelessly in love with you.” He took his hand from his cheek and pulled out the ring. “I have carried this for years, holding onto the hope that I would give it to you. It is going to stay in my pocket until I get the chance to properly give it to you, when all this is over. I swear to you, that I will come back. I will marry you and will love you until my dying day.”

You were stunned into silence, you didn’t know what to say, so you pulled him in for another kiss. This one more urgent than those on the dance floor. Bucky pulled away, you stared into his eyes, the grey seemed to be breaking away into pale blue, much like the sky after a storm. You could feel the weight of Bucky’s promise in the air, but you would worry about that when, if the time came. You threaded your fingers through his and opened your door, dragging the new soldier in behind you. “Stay with me.” You murmured.

Bucky knew he could not refuse you, as you lead him to your bedroom. “Doll…..we don’t have to.” He started, stopping in the doorway.

“Buck, please hold me tonight. Like you used to.”

He nodded, stripping down to his undershirt and boxers as you changed from your dancing dress to a nightgown. Bucky pulled the covers back on your bed and burrowed under them, opening his arms for you to settle into. You placed your head on his chest as his arms wrapped around you. You felt his heartbeat begin to slow as gentle snores fell from his lips lulling you to sleep. You woke the next morning in his arms, his grip tightening before he was pulled from sleep. He placed a sleepy kiss to your forehead. “I have to go.” He murmured, tracing patterns on your back.

“I know.” You answered, tears falling onto his chest.

He shifted underneath you, and you knew this was your cue to move, you pulled yourself from his arms as he released you. He rolled from the bed and dressed himself in his uniform. When you were both dressed you stood at your door.

“I love you.” You whispered, putting a hand over his heart. “Please come back to me.”

He placed his hand on top of yours. “I promise.” He placed a gentle kiss to your lips before turning to the door and leaving. You watched his broad frame fade from view. Both of you oblivious to the fact that he would break his promise to come home to you. But neither of you ever broke your promise to love the other until your last breath.

#james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #I can't stop writing for this man #I'm so sorry trekkies who followed me for spock #I promise I'll come back to him #but bucky is in the forefront of my mind right now #i will make it back to trek

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the-observant-frisbeetarian · 4 years

Text

George deValier (2015 profile)

since: 05-02-10, id: 2348750, Profile Updated: 06-02-13

country: 🇦🇺 Australia

Author has written 17 stories for Hetalia - Axis Powers.

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you. – Henry Rollins

Hi! I’m George. One day, I will be a professor of history, who wears tweed suits and lives in a library. Right now, I am a graduate student, who wears jeans and t-shirts and… um… lives in a library.

Reviews and PMs.

I don’t demand or even expect reviews. They do, however, make me happy. So if you are kind enough to leave one after reading, please know that even though I may not reply, I read every single one, and I am incredibly grateful - your few words of praise have brightened a moment of my day. :-)

If you send me a Private Message and don’t receive a response immediately, please know that I am not deliberately ignoring you. I find it a little difficult to keep up with replying to PMs; if I haven’t responded to your message in at least three months, it’s usually because I’ve, er, lost it. Feel free to send me another one calling me a giant prat and demanding a response.

Fanart and Translations.

I am perfectly okay (quite ecstatically happy, actually) with people doing whatever they like with my fics – whether that be translations, fanart, cosplay, AMVs, whatever. You do not need to ask permission - I will always say yes. All I ask is three things. One: please credit me as the author (and a link to the original story would be fantastic). Two: please let me know so that I can check it out and thank you profusely! And three: something I hate to have to mention, but please never do anything to make money out of these works. Obviously, Hetalia does not belong to me – it belongs to the amazing Hidekaz Himaruya, who is incredibly awesome for giving us such fantastic characters to play with. :-D

MY STORIES

THE VERAVERSE

The Veraverse is a Hetalia World War Two AU, of fics involving different characters and pairings, all living within the same time period and all interconnected in some way. As each story in the series is named after and loosely based on the lyrics of a wartime song sung by Vera Lynn, I flippantly dubbed it the ‘Veraverse.’ The name has sort of stuck, however. I have posted a list of character's birth dates here: http://george-de-valier.deviantart.com/art/Hetalia-Veraverse-Birth-Dates-340315828

This series is, at its core, about the power of love over war. It's about the real reasons people fight, and the real reasons they survive. It's about finding something beautiful in the midst of something ugly and evil. But overall, although I hope there is more to these stories than just romance, they are essentially about love.

Don’t expect every fic to be updated quickly. These stories intertwine, and will be published simultaneously, and it may be a while between chapters for each specific story. Most can be read separately, however a few will require that you read at least one other story in the series to make sense of it (e.g. ‘My Echo’ does not make much sense unless you also read ‘Lily of the Lamplight.’) Rest assured, they will all be completed.

We'll Meet Again Alfred Jones/Arthur Kirkland (America/England)

Complete - Thirteen Chapters

‘We’ll Meet Again’ is about love arriving when you least expect it, and how it can transform loneliness.

Keep Smiling Through Alfred Jones/Arthur Kirkland (America/England)

Complete – One Shot

Just a little mini-sequel to ‘We’ll Meet Again’ about a brief moment in Alfred and Arthur’s lives.

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart Ludwig Beilschmidt/Feliciano Vargas (Germany/Italy)

Complete - Eighteen chapters

‘Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart’ is about love being blind, proving stronger than hate, and lasting longer than war.

Bésame Mucho Antonio Fernandez Carriedo/Lovino Vargas (Spain/Romano)

In Progress – Fourteen chapters

‘Bésame Mucho’ is essentially about love overcoming fear.

Lily of the Lamplight Gilbert Beilschmidt/Roderich Edelstein (Prussia/Austria)

In Progress – Eighteen Chapters

‘Lily of the Lamplight’ is about selflessness, survival, and how love can change you for the better.

My Echo Unrequited Vash Zwingli/Roderich Edelstein (Switzerland/Austria)

In Progress – Six Chapters

‘My Echo’ is about how true love is selfless – even if it is unreturned.

Jealousy Ivan Braginski/Yao Wang (Russia/China)

In Progress – Six Chapters

‘Jealousy’ is a little different to the other stories in this series. It is about control, madness, and how love has the power to destroy as well as to save.

Something to Remember You By Sadik Adnan/Gupta Muhammad Hassan (Turkey/Egypt)

In Progress – Three Chapters

‘Something to Remember You By’ is about losing love, and yourself with it.

UPCOMING VERAVERSE FICS

Somewhere in France With You Francis Bonnefoy/Matthew Williams (France/Canada)

Darling, where better to meet again than the most beautiful city in the world?

It's a Lovely Day Tomorrow

Toris Laurinaitis/Feliks Łukasiewicz (Lithuania/Poland)

Art. Music. Passion. Destruction. Young, wild love, in the streets of Berlin, on the eve of war.

When I Grow Too Old to Dream Berwald Oxenstierna/Tino Väinämöinen (Sweden/Finland)

“What would you do if I just… took this tree? Claimed it for Finland?”

“I’d let ye take it.”

“This lake?”

“Ye can have it.”

“This entire forest?”

“’t’s yours.”

“Would you let me take your whole country, Berwald?”

“Yes. And you? What’f I just… took this rock?”

“You can’t have that rock. That’s a Finnish rock.”

You’ll Never Know

Elizaveta Héderváry/ Lili Zwingli (Hungary/Liechtenstein)

“But who knows? Maybe you'll meet a charming little Swiss girl with plaits and a basket who likes to yodel on mountaintops."

Elizaveta always hated it when Gilbert was right.

When the Lights go on Again

Eduard Von Bock/Raivis Galante (Estonia/Latvia)

"I will stay with him through this darkness. I will give my soul to keep it from him. And I swear, whatever I must do, that Raivis Galante will live to see the lights go on again.”

Room Five-Hundred-and-Four

Herakles Karpusi/Kiku Honda (Greece/Japan)

“Life's most important conversations take place in bars. Perhaps in places not too dissimilar from this - perhaps between people not so different from ourselves. Bars, after all, are where people meet, and where they rejoice; where they forget, and where they say goodbye. They are the crossroads of life."

"You sound like a philosopher. Though your name suggests a hero."

Faraway Places

Bad Friends Trio (France, Prussia, and Spain)

“Ah, those were the days, huh, Gil? Remember the time you tried to take on the entire Parisian police force?”

“Or the time you knocked yourself out running from that bull in Pamplona?”

“Or that time Francis tried to seduce your grandfather?!”

“Francis what?”

“Oh, look at that, I’ve finished my drink.”

Autumn Leaves

Augustus Roma Vargas (Ancient Rome)

But I miss you most of all, my darling, when autumn leaves start to fall.

OTHER FICS

THE MAPLEVERSE

This is a currently small modern AU, set in modern day Canada.

La Patisserie de la Rose Francis Bonnefoy/Matthew Williams (France/Canada)

Complete – Six Chapters

A birthday present for Claudia, aka ThisCouldTheoreticallyBeSparta

An essentially fluffy Franada with lots of cameos and cake and general silliness. I like to think this story is about friendship as much as it is about love. It's also about seeing something in someone that no one else can - not even themselves.

Libelle Hall Gilbert Beilschmidt/Roderich Edelstein (Prussia/Austria)

In Progress – Three Chapters

A Gift for Kay, aka Kay the Beta

‘Libelle Hall’ is about change, and about love growing from self-realisation. It’s also an examination of Gilbert and Roderich’s characters, and how they aren’t that different from each other, after all. And it’s a gift for my beta Kay, because she loves PruAus, and she’s awesome.

Of Ponies and Edelweiss Gilbert Beilschmidt/Roderich Edelstein (Prussia/Austria)

Complete – One Shot

A Valentines’ Day present for Claudia

Just a fluffy, romantic little fic for Valentines’ Day. Well, as romantic as Gilbert gets, anyway.

ONGOING MULTI-CHAPTERS

Catch Perfect Berwald Oxenstierna/Tino Väinämöinen (Sweden/Finland)

In Progress – Twelve Chapters

‘Catch Perfect’ is basically proof that I can’t even write crack without some semblance of plot and angst. I am still writing this, just ever so slowly.

The Tiger and the Dragon Ivan Braginski/Yao Wang (Russia/China)

In Progress – Seventeen Chapters

I first posted this story almost three years ago. Last year I started re-publishing it, mainly to fix up the writing quality and some plot points. Yes, it’s melodramatic; yes, it’s a bit cliché. Basically, if this were a published novel, it would be the type to have GAY EROTIC ROMANCE in tacky writing across the cover. But really, what the hell, it’s fun. :-D

COMPLETED ONE SHOTS

Stay With You Germany/Italy

A rare story with the characters as nations, and my very first posted fanfiction. I had just discovered Hetalia when I wrote this, and loved the random humour of it, but also wondered what it could be like if it was a more serious take on the Second World War. Also, it has always been blatantly obvious to me that Germany and Italy are in love with each other. Like, duh.

Gallipoli Australia and New Zealand

Another nation story from me, about a conflict embedded in the consciousness of every Australian. We haven’t been given much to go on with Australia’s characterisation, so I went with my gut instinct – he’s anti-authority, he’s an easily broken optimist, and he cares deeply about his men. Gallipoli shattered the romantic idea of war for this country. I think it would have shattered Australia, too.

Sleep, Little Bird Berwald Oxenstierna/Tino Väinämöinen (Sweden/Finland) and Peter (Sealand)

There is not much I can really say about this one, except sorry. Oh, and that it’s not in the same universe as ‘Catch Perfect.’ I wouldn’t do that. ;-)

LINKS!

http://george-de-valier.deviantart.com (deactivated account) - Where I fave and comment on the wonderful artwork that people have drawn for my stories. I adore fan art, so please tell me if you have drawn any! If I happen to come across art for my stories that I haven’t been told about, be warned, I WILL proceed to fave and comment on it anyway. :-)

www.youtube.com/user/ykwyh26 - My lovely and talented beta Kay’s YouTube site, where you can hear all the songs from my Veraverse stories.

VIDEOS

I am incredibly flattered that the amazingly talented Alyss Lane has written a gorgeous song based on ‘Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart.’ It is called ‘Auf Wiedersehen,’ performed by Willow, and you can hear this beautiful song here – www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N8T4oIppS0

The following are awesome AMVs for my fics, made by some very talented artists.

The Veraverse

Sanctuary, by Insomniac3Ltd

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfvTV5b9Zwk (unavailable)

We'll Meet Again

We’ll Meet Again, by Shokora15

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4COUwq9yzA

Wild Horses, by SirenShadow95

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaiMnawL3hM

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart

Stereo Love, by snobo52

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH8-zY-3qiI

If I Die Young, by NightmareCCL

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkoVnwzwLlU

Stay, by PastaWithWurst

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-i61AAOfNm4 (unavailable)

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart, by Sydney Amber

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nM9anzT81tM

Home, by Sanity4Fire

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjPTML1vjXA (unavailable)

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart, by ShiroBaraLuv123

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qltINwf-ZkU (unavailable)

Bésame Mucho

Fear, by ykwyh26

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua5Ak4O9P88

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, by Kayleigh Turgeon

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pDaLTw5wIs (unavailable)

The Only Exception, by InuLoverNr1Hitomi

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pt_sHtZfIw

Don’t Tell Me You Love Me If You Don’t Mean It, by AnnoyingGirl1234

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkcTKOAN8Y8 (unavailable)

Lily of the Lamplight

Lili Marlene, by xxEmoxxChibixx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=otYq31Qnct8

Sleep, Little Bird

Sleep, by Hetaliagirl96

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tOCsWjpNsk (unavailable)

La Patisserie de la Rose

Take Me Home, by Ahogemako

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwsX1rJ2CDo

Something to Remember You By

Lullabies, by Lanie P

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnRXhe2cdZw

STORIES WRITTEN FOR ME

These are all fantastic. Please check them out, you won’t be disappointed!

Mi Piachi perché Mi Piaci, by ThisCouldTheoreticallyBeSparta

(GerIta, Spamano, PruAus, BelgHun and teeny mentions of Franada, Netherlands/Australia, UsUk)

A wonderful birthday present of fluffy GerIta goodness from my wonderful friend Claudia.

www.fanfiction.net/s/7601790/1/Mi_Piaci_perche_Mi_Piaci

Maple Street, by fubibliophile

(Canada and America)

A really cool, atmospheric one shot from the very sweet fubibliophile.

www.fanfiction.net/s/7796628/1/Maple_Street

Chapter Four of Hetalia Fairy Tales, by Kitty-Kat Allie

(GiriPan)

An incredibly sweet GiriPan fairy tale from a wonderful author and a lovely person.

www.fanfiction.net/s/7730679/4/Hetalia_Fairy_Tales

1. Something To Remember You By » reviews

VV AU. 1914. Constantinople, Turkey. On the eve of war, street dweller Sadik Adnan's way of life and existence is called into question by the strange, beautiful Egyptian imam, Gupta Muhammad Hassan.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,732 - Reviews: 73 - Published: 5-30-13 - Turkey & Egypt

2. Lily of the Lamplight » reviews

WW2 AU. Austrian musician Roderich and German soldier Gilbert are forced into an army prison unit and a fight for survival on the Russian Front. But in the midst of blood and death and hell on earth, how long can they fight their desire for each other?

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 27,329 - Reviews: 557 - Updated: 5-21-13 - Published: 11-20-11 - Prussia & Austria

3. Libelle Hall » reviews

Modern AU. When Roderich Edelstein – student, musician, and reluctant activist – attempts to save a local music hall from destruction, he is not prepared for the conflicting emotions evoked in him by arrogant demolition worker Gilbert Beilschmidt. Gift fic for Kay the Beta.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,900 - Reviews: 174 - Updated: 5-6-13 - Published: 2-20-13 - Prussia & Austria

4. Jealousy » reviews

WW2 AU. Insane Russian Commander Ivan Braginski is the terror of his battalion and his enemies alike. He controls the lives of thousands - but it is the memory of one that controls his own. Tie-in to 'Lily of the Lamplight.'

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,077 - Reviews: 80 - Published: 11-29-12 - Russia & China

5. The Tiger and the Dragon » reviews

Human AU. Awkward, average chef Yao Wang is sick of being thought of as boring and predictable. When he meets the enigmatic and slightly unnerving Ivan Braginski, Yao is immediately captivated. As he falls deeper it becomes apparent just how dangerous Ivan really is… but Ivan is just as smitten, and Yao may be too in love to care about the consequences…

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 12,967 - Reviews: 155 - Updated: 11-15-12 - Published: 8-25-12 - Russia & China

6. My Echo » reviews

WW2 AU. Captain Vash Zwingli is a soldier in someone else's war; a man mad enough to lead where others will not. He treads a fine line between life and death, between sanity and madness, in a constant battle to forget. But when Vash's past confronts him in the worst place on earth, will it finally tip him over the edge – or give him a chance for redemption? Unrequited SwissAus.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,378 - Reviews: 73 - Published: 11-15-12 - Switzerland

7. La Patisserie de la Rose » reviews

AU. Accountant Matthew Williams is used to being unnoticed, ignored, and forgotten. That is until pastry chef Francis Bonnefoy appears like a burst of colour in his dull, grey life. Gift fic for TCTBS.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 35,111 - Reviews: 573 - Updated: 10-10-12 - Published: 12-9-11 - France & Canada - Complete

8. Catch Perfect » reviews

AU. When Berwald loses everything he is forced to move into a share house with an insane Dane, a sociopathic Norwegian, an unfathomable Icelander and a perfect Finn who makes it all worth putting up with.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 8 - Words: 36,538 - Reviews: 582 - Updated: 9-22-12 - Published: 10-10-10 - Sweden & Finland

9. Blue, White, Red » reviews

Human AU. 1777; The American Revolutionary War. Three times, American rebel Alfred Jones meets British soldier Arthur Kirkland. One blue; one white; one red.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,981 - Reviews: 369 - Updated: 9-20-12 - Published: 8-26-12 - America & England/Britain - Complete

10. Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart » reviews

WW2 AU. Feliciano Vargas is a passionate, if slightly scared, Italian resistance member. Falling in love with a German fighter pilot was the last thing he expected... and it will test his national loyalty, and his heart, to their limits.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 18 - Words: 104,322 - Reviews: 3246 - Updated: 8-11-12 - Published: 12-18-10 - Germany & N. Italy - Complete

11. Keep Smiling Through » reviews

'We'll Meet Again' mini-sequel. Keep smiling through, just like you always do; 'til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away! USUK

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,376 - Reviews: 172 - Published: 6-28-12 - America & England/Britain - Complete

12. Bésame Mucho » reviews

WW2 AU. Lovino Vargas only ever wanted something exciting to happen in his boring, everyday Italian village existence. He never expected war, Resistance, love, passion, treason, or a cheerful, confusing, irritatingly attractive Spanish freedom fighter.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 5 - Words: 39,037 - Reviews: 817 - Updated: 5-30-12 - Published: 8-1-11 - Spain & S. Italy/Romano

13. Of Ponies and Edelweiss » reviews

Gilbert Beilschmidt is not, generally speaking, a romantic man. Which makes his behaviour this particular Valentine's Day a little odd for Roderich to understand… Gift fic for TCTBS; spin-off of 'La Patisserie de la Rose.'

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,143 - Reviews: 130 - Published: 2-14-12 - Prussia & Austria - Complete

14. Sleep, Little Bird » reviews

Human AU. Tino, Berwald and Peter are the perfect family. Things like this don't happen to people like them. But when they do, how are they supposed to accept it?

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Family/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,169 - Reviews: 294 - Published: 9-26-11 - Finland & Sweden - Complete

15. Gallipoli » reviews

Gallipoli, April 25, 1915. Australia is a young nation with plenty to prove. And war is where nations prove themselves.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,966 - Reviews: 48 - Published: 4-28-11 - Australia - Complete

16. We'll Meet Again » reviews

WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred's charms... just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 13 - Words: 43,415 - Reviews: 1376 - Updated: 1-20-11 - Published: 7-18-10 - America & England/Britain - Complete

17. Stay With You » reviews

Germany lies defeated and alone in the aftermath of the Battle of Berlin... but not everyone has abandoned him.

Hetalia - Axis Powers - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,325 - Reviews: 66 - Published: 5-4-10 - Germany & N. Italy - Complete

THANK YOU MARVINHERE FOR FINDING THIS!

#George deValier #George devalier profile #George devalier profile transcript #George devalier summaries

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tcmpcral · 4 years

Text

1. FIRST NAME: masha.

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: my father’s birthday is the day before mine :v

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON: i mean, i’m asexual and aromantic but aesthetically i guess i could say the quintessential. roman?? nose for some reason fjfeka; i just like the look of them lies down also certain kinds of genuine smiles get me right in the heart. dark eyes are also very nice. or perhaps i should say like. when someone has dark eyelashes?? i think that’s it. also i’m always reminded of a girl i went to ireland with who had a seriously endearing case of doe eyes, and i’m still not sure if her eyes were just naturally that shape or if she used makeup to get that Look but either way i thought she was extremely pretty the whole time lmao the fact that she was also very sweet and thoughtful didn’t hurt either

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: rice and eggs fjjfiea; eggs in general, tbh. possibly also noodles. and dumplings. cheesecake. lotus paste. smoked cheeses hhhh sALMON. sweet potatoes. maybe pears and apples listen i’m sorry i love food, there can’t be Only One

5. A FOOD YOU HATE: hominy fjfkda; cauliflower. uhhhh also tuna casserole blegh. asparagus jfjkf;da oh YEAH I HATE BOLOGNA TOO i can’t. i can’t do it hhhhghg. and yet i love vienna sausages and deviled ham...

6. GUILTY PLEASURE: whispers taking the long way home so i can spend more time listening to the radio and singing along with it probably lmao

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: whatever i wore the previous day fjfjiea; I’M SLOPPY

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: technically neither, but i guess i’d take flings over the other

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: lies down i do kinda wish i hadn’t dropped out of high school. on that front, it’s worked out in the end, but. still. it would have been nice to have kept up with my friends orz on a different front, i’m conflicted about it, but. sometimes i wonder how much better my life might be today if i’d gone straight for nursing instead of getting an art degree ._.

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: i. think i can be

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: yeah it’s still the kung fu panda trilogy lmao. but also tokyo godfathers, shutter island aaand. idk jurassic park? tremors? a good chunk of the x-men movies bc i’m not very picky with them and there’s things i like about most of them?? thinking emoji oH there’s also that movie push from 2009. the one with chris evans :v

12. FAVORITE BOOK: a little princess, war of the worlds, uhhh on the beach, house of stairs, the secret garden. i was once weirdly attached to this book i read in jr. high called where the lilies bloom. i also loved heidi uhhh. see, there were all these obscure books i read in late elementary school and jr. high that i loved that i often have trouble recalling rip. like there was one called eva, and another called home before dark. one named belle prater’s boy. the crystal garden. sweet sassy tree hhhh almost anything written by robert cormier ahaaa

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: i’m honestly very happy keeping dogs as pets, but i’ve always wanted to. like. idk, maybe pet a wolf or a fox or other wild canid. i’d also like to maybe have a cat someday. and parrots and other birds are adorable and i love them, but. oof. they just seem. Intimidating pets. maybe someday i can have ducks or geese again, tho. oh, and. i’ll admit i’ve always been amused at the thought of having a pet goat, bc my grandmother apparently did as a child lmao

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]: oh boy there’s. a Bunch. let me think... i. still have a very big soft spot for germany/italy hhh. uh. i hope the rest of them don’t have to be canon bc..... yeah. anyway still attached to beerus and whis... wheezes and both euroshipping (kaiba/bakura) and what’s apparently called stormshipping now (fubuki/manjoume). and ok i have to go with another hetalia one bc i’m such a sucker for france/russia lies down i was also once a big lex/zex shipper, and i still have a soft spot for. what it once was. not entirely too comfortable actually shipping it now since i haven’t Kept Up with kh and i’m not 100% on zexion/ienzo’s age anymore squints

15. PIE OR CAKE: ....whichever one cheesecake falls under :v

16. FAVORITE SCENT: ohghfjfkda there’s A BUNCH. aloe vera, bleach, lysol, sweet pea, tea, tires, sawdust, cucumbers and melons, ginger, beer

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: yeahh, i still don’t really have one but. i do have a lot of affection for weird al lmao

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: whispers i would love to go to russia some day, but i think everyone knows that lmao. i’d also love to revisit ireland, especially killarney and blarney castle. and i’d love to revisit sorrento. and possibly italy in general tbh aaaa. i’ve also always kinda wanted to visit china 6_6

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT: pretty sure i’m an introvert, but i also happen to be one who really loves crowds

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: i’m a. very jumpy person kffja; also certain topics Disturb me way more than others, and ngl i have something close to an Actual phobia of the dark rip

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: i’ve never had an iphone, so probably android

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: animal crossing. also tetris when i’m bored. i love puzzle games like poppit and bejeweled lmao i used to play kingdom hearts and super smash brothers, and i miss them both tbh. i also played crisis core, two star fox games, and the world ends with you at some point. and uh. a handful of legend of zelda games when i was a kid. my favorite game is probably majora’s mask :v

23. DREAM JOB: comic book creator orz or some kind of concept artist for animated movies. but. i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’m not really. Good(TM) enough for that, so nowadays i’m much more interested in something more mundane like nursing. as long as it’s night shift, i want it

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: SO MUCH. get my car back in shape, pay off my grandparents’ house probably, go back to school fINALLY, move out lies down there’s so much i could do with that money lmao

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: there. aren’t any tbh lies down the most i usually get to is feeling neutral toward a character lmao except i just remembered umbridge exists so she might count

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: not counting the ones i keep coming back to, there’s uhhh. gundam wing, star wars (waaaay back when the phantom menace was first released lmao), digimon, x-men evolution. i was in the MCU fandom for like a month before i lost interest XD;; i might count yugioh and yugioh gx as part of this, but. i’m still kind of invested in those tbh

all of these i’ve just kinda fallen away from thinking emoji i’ve never really had a bad fandom experience, so. you know

#;dash games #long post #i'm #such a windbag #lies down

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ramseyandrys · 5 years

Text

Have Your Cake and Eat It Too: Cal x MC

Book: Nightbound

Pairing: Cal x MC

Trigger Warnings: mention of death

Author’s Note: Hi! So, this story was requested by @fairydustandsarcasm. I’m so sorry it took so long, but I hope you like it! If you or anyone else has any more requests, let me know, and I’ll get to them as quickly as I can!

Masterlist

Tag List: @fairydustandsarcasm @sibella-plays-choices @strangelycami @rain18rain @theeccentricbibliophile @krishu213 @lilyofchoices @x-kyne-x @universallypizzataco @ab1901 @birdlovesafish @tendentiously @arise-aries @bubblygothzombie @molly7998

Mia’s eyes flickered open. The curtains of her and Cal’s room were pulled back, letting in the bright summer sun. Mia squinted her eyes. She looked at her alarm clock and saw that it was 7AM. On a Saturday. She realized Cal wasn’t still in bed with her which was just downright suspicious. Cal always slept in late. It didn’t matter what day it was. Mia sat up and stretched out her muscles. They were still aching from whatever shenanigans she, Vera, and Katherine has gotten into last night. She couldn’t quite remember. All of the sudden, she heard a loud bang. And then another one. She jumped up, instantly in nighthunter mode. She picked Cal’s t-shirt up off the ground and quickly put it on. She reached under the bed for the sword that Nik had given her. “Is that really necessary?” Cal had asked her when she slid it under the bed. Yes, Cal, it is. Mia tiptoed out of the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind her. She walked down the hall and peaked into the kitchen. Cal was bending down in front of one of the cabinets in nothing but an old Bon Jovi t-shirt and a pair of blue boxers. There were pot, pans, and dishes surrounding him. “Cal?” Mia asked. Cal turned around. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Oh, hey,” he said with his trademark good-natured grin. “I’m making a cake for Donny. It’s his birthday.” As if Mia didn’t know that. She’d been asking Donny what he wanted for the past few weeks, only to be met with an indifferent, “Whatever is fine.” Mia wasn’t sure where she stood with Cal’s younger brother. Ever since she moved into the home Cal shared with Donny, she felt like he thought of her as an intrusion.

“Why at 7AM?” Mia asked, sleepily rubbing her eyes. Cal suddenly grew timid as heat rose to his cheeks.

“It’s sort of our tradition,” he said, shrugging. “We’ve always eaten cake for breakfast on our birthdays.”

“Oh,” Mia said as if that explained everything. “Can I help?”

“You don’t want to go back to bed?” Cal asked.

“Nah. I want to participate in a Lowell tradition,” Mia said. Cal grinned.

“Well, you are a Lowell now,” he said. Mia beamed. She and Cal had been married for four months now, and she didn’t think she’d ever get tired of hearing her new last name.

“What can I do?” Mia asked.

Cal put Mia to work immediately. He was using his mother’s cookbook to make a chocolate cake— Donny’s favorite. Chocolate wasn’t particularly good for the wolves in them, but Cal figured chocolate one day a year wouldn’t hurt them.

Mia and Cal were sitting at the small table in the kitchen as they waited for the cake to finish cooking. Cal was putting the finishing touches on a small figurine he whittled for Donny as Mia watched him. Usually, watching her husband use his hands relaxed her in a way she couldn’t quite describe, but all of the talk about Donny was making her tense. “Why doesn’t Donny like me?” Mia suddenly asked.

“He doesn’t not like you,” Cal said, still looking at Donny’s figurine. Mia glared at him. “I’m guessing you’re glaring at me right now.”

“I am,” Mia said. Cal sighed and put down the figurine. He looked up at Mia.

“Don’t worry about Donny,” he said. “He’s a kid, and kids are, well, stupid.” Mia started laughing.

“I’ll be sure to tell our future kids you said that,” she said. Cal got a warm feeling in his belly at the mention of their future kids but ignored it.

“I meant kids Donny’s age,” he said. “Adolescents. They’re real dumb, you know?”

“Oh, I know,” Mia said. “I just can’t help but wondering if I did something.”

“You didn’t,” Cal said, reaching across the table and taking her hand in his. “If you want, I can talk to him.” Mia shook her head.

“No, that’ll only make it worse,” she said.

“If you’re sure,” Cal said.

“Yeah,” Mia said. The thing is that she wasn’t.

Once the cake was finished cooking, Cal took it out of the oven and sat it on the stovetop. Mia took the chocolate icing Cal had bought out of the pantry. The two of them waited on the cake to cool before starting to ice it. Cal put candles in the shape of a 1 and a 9 on top of the cake. Just as Mia took a lighter out of the drawer, she and Cal heard a door shut and footsteps coming down the hall. “I think he’s awake,” Cal whispered to Mia.

“It looks good,” Mia whispered back, looking at the cake. Donny walked into the kitchen. He was wearing his plaid pajama bottoms and a grey t-shirt. His curly brunette hair was a mess, and he was still wiping sleep out of his eyes.

“Happy Birthday!” both Cal and Mia exclaimed.

“Oh my God!” Donny cried, jumping. “You guys scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry, bro,” Cal laughed. He walked over to Donny and gave him a tight hug. He tousled his hair. “Happy 19th.”

“Thanks, Cal,” Donny said.

“Mia and I made you a cake,” Cal said, gesturing to the chocolate cake sitting on the kitchen counter. “Mia did most of the icing. She’s a pro.” Donny just nodded at Mia, not bothering to return the smile on her face. Mia looked at Cal, and he mouthed an apology at her. He then sighed.

“So, who's ready to eat?” he asked.

After devouring most of the chocolate cake, Cal went to go shower and get dressed while Donny and Mia did the dishes. There was an awkward silence in the room. It was often like that when it was just the two of them. It wasn’t at all a comfortable silence. Mia could hardly stand it. “Donny?” she said. Donny looked at her with his soft brown eyes, the same eyes Cal had. They didn’t calm Mia like Cal’s did though.

“Yeah?” Donny said.

“Did I do something to offend you?” Mia asked.

“What?” Donny asked, visibly surprised by her question. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, you aren’t exactly friendly to me,” Mia said. Donny sighed.

“It‘s not you,” he said. Mia felt like she was getting dumped by her high school boyfriend again.

“Then what is it?” she asked, starting to feel frustrated. Donny was the only family Cal had, and she was tired of this whatever between them.

“It’s just… you remind me of her,” Donny said. The frustration Mia felt before washed away and was replaced with sympathy. She didn’t need to be a genius to know who her was. “I know I barely knew Ma, but you’re just like her. You’re caring, brave, kind…”

“Donny-“

“Dad used to talk to me and Cal about her all the time,” Donny said, tears now brimming in his eyes. Mia had never seen him so upset. She put her hand on his back, and he didn’t even flinch away. “Cal’s even told me you remind him of her.” Mia frowned. He’d never told her that before.

“I’m sorry, Donny,” she said.

“S’not your fault,” Donny said, pulling up his t-shirt and furiously wiping at his eyes with it.

“I know, but I’m still sorry,” Mia said. “I never wanted to cause you any pain.”

“You make Cal happy. That’s all that matters,” Donny said.

“No, it’s not. You matter too,” Mia said. “I want you to be happy here. This is your home just as much as it is Cal’s.”

“Why do you even care?” Donny asked, his voice sounding sharper than he intended it to. Mia wasn’t fazed. She had faced down bloodwraiths and evil half-brothers after all.

“I care because you’re my little brother,” Mia said. “Not just Cal’s but mine. I love you, Donny.” A small smile spread across Donny’s face.

“Thanks, Mia,” he said. “I, uh, I guess I love you too.”

“Aw, kiddo,” Mia said, putting her arms around him.

“Okay, that’s enough!” Donny cried as Mia laughed. Neither of them saw Cal standing in the doorway, tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

#playchoices #nightbound #cal lowell #cal x mc #choices #choices fanfiction

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once-upon-a-ouat · 5 years

Text

“When Will You Learn, Mr. Rabbit?”

Summary: Living alone in the quiet tower isn't easy so Alice makes a friend to always keep her company. They start learning new skills to help them with life when they finally get out of there but the sea is not always smooth for sailing. Will their friendship survive the storm of Alice's mood swings?

For my 100 followers celebration I got an anonymous request (that was very sweet) for a fic about what Alice got up to during the years she spent alone in the tower. So here’s a fic of Alice bonding with her little stuffed friend – Mr. Rabbit, with a side of Knight Rook feels.

Word Count: 2146 words

Read on FFN and AO3

Her papa was gone and the tower was so silent. And in the silence every little sound was amplified until it was loud and terrifying and made her want to shrink even more until no one would be able to find her and hurt her.

Alice wanted to put a stop to it, but she hadn’t spoken in weeks. She didn’t want to. In the dreadful emptiness of the tower her voice turned into a horrifying echo of despair. And there was no point anyway. Who was there for her to speak to?

As the thought crossed her mind, her gaze met that of Mr. Rabbit and a twinge of guilt stabbed her. Mr. Rabbit was there for her. He’d been there the whole time, keeping her company, and she hadn’t looked at him twice, swallowed by the devastating silence. But it wasn’t like he could speak back so she shrugged the thought off.

A few days later when she was reading a book, she was dying to let her voice out and read aloud. But just the thought of how lonely the sound of it would be changed her mind. Alice closed the book and turned away from it, locking eyes with Mr. Rabbit. The look he was giving her was begging her to talk to him. As if that would have any effect besides making her feel even more alone, talking to stuffed animals like a madwoman.

She turned back to her book and flipped it open, almost tearing the pages in her haste.

It wasn’t long before her birthday came. Her eyes were full of tears the entire day for there wasn’t even anyone to wish her a happy birthday. Not that it was anyway. She’d been born to stay trapped in the bloody tower and every birthday she spent in there just strengthened her doubts that she would ever see the world outside of her prison. At least before she’d had her papa. But now...

The tears fell when she was about to blow out the candle and make her birthday wish. It was the same every year–get out of her prison–and every year it didn’t come true. But that year it was different. That year she also had another wish – she wanted her papa back. And she knew she could’t have both. She had to choose. And how was she supposed to choose between freedom and love?

So the tears fell. And the sobs followed. And there were words trying to claw their way out, too. But she wouldn’t let therm. She swallowed them back, almost choking on their chunky bodies with sharp edges that wanted to cut through her throat and break free. But she couldn’t let them. They had to stay trapped for there wasn’t anyone to hear them but her. And she didn’t want to hear them. Not on her own. She just wished to have someone to talk to.

Through the curtain of tears in her eyes she couldn’t see the candle get blown out by her heavy sigh. She could only stumble back to her bed and cry herself to sleep, hoping that tomorrow would be different. It didn’t matter in what way. Just different.

She was woken up by her own sneeze. Mr. Rabbit had fallen in her face and his ear had been tickling her nose.

She put him back in his place and tried to go back to sleep but the softness of his tiny body wouldn’t leave her mind. It was the first soothing feeling in a very long time.

She looked at him. His eyes were so warm and inviting that her heart started thumping in her ears as she opened her mouth, ready to do the unthinkable.

“Good morning, Mr. Rabbit,” she spoke, jumping slightly at the sound of her own voice. She hadn’t heard it in so long. She’d forgotten what it was like to speak. And it was good. It was so good.

She didn’t get a verbal response, but in her mind Mr. Rabbit was talking to her. Looked like her spontaneous wish had come true after all.

It turned out Mr. Rabbit was a great listener. He didn’t complain when she gave him an earful about the latest thing that was on her mind. Her hysterical bursts of laughter and her high-pitched shrieks of loneliness didn’t seem to bother him and he kept offering her comfort with his never warm but always soft tiny body.

She wondered how someone so small could be her pillar of strength. Still, she was grateful for everything he’d done for her. He’d never abandoned her, even when she had been trying to forget about his existence. And she would never abandon him. She would take him with her when she left. She wouldn’t leave a friend behind.

And the two of them had only ever lived in the tower. They weren’t prepared for life outside of it. There were so many things they didn’t know, things they hadn’t learned. So they’d better do, Alice decided. They had to prepare themselves. And they had so much time on their hands and feet anyway. They could use it productively.

Alice decided that another language would be useful. Her papa could speak Latin. He’d even taught her some simple phrases. When he’d still been with her. Alice’s heart got heavy at the thought. But she wouldn’t despair. She just had to think of how proud her papa would be when they were finally reunited and she told him she’d learned Latin. She could even greet him in Latin. She grinned at the thought. She could imagine the shock on his face before it turned into a proud smile. That would be a somnia vera facit*.

And even though it was going well – there were few things to distract her and Mr. Rabbit – she didn’t like the general experience. It had been so much more fun when she’d been studying with her papa, much more fruitful. He’d known the language and had corrected her when she’d made a mistake. Mr. Rabbit, on the other hand, knew just as much as she did. And that made progress harder for both of them, but they still tried their best.

That was why Alice decided they should only speak in Latin until they mastered it. It seemed like a good idea until they actually tried to pull it off. They would find themselves consulting the books for every other word and it sucked out the joy of speaking. Which was about the only joy Alice had.

Still, it payed off for they started getting the hang of it pretty soon. Though now every mistake seemed more jarring. It grated on Alice’s nerves, cutting them up one by one until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“That’s not how you say it!” she found herself snapping at the bunny one day. “When will you learn, Mr. Rabbit?” she jumped out of bed to grab the open book and show the bunny his mistake. However, in her frenzied state she wasn’t careful and tore off some pages from the book instead.

It halted her tantrum as she looked at the pages in her hand and then to her bunny friend. Her eyes welled up with tears. “I’m sorry, Mr. Rabbit.” She hadn’t meant to yell at him. He knew just as much as she did. And she hadn’t meant to tear the book. It had no fault. And her frustration was pointless anyway because they had all the time in the world. They weren’t going anywhere.

The tears started falling and she slumped on the floor with the torn off pages strewn in her lap. The water drops streamed down her face and fell on the, wetting the paper, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. For they weren’t going anywhere.

Still, she found herself learning etiquette with her little friends next. They needed to learn how to behave in social situations since they’d never been in such. So they read up everything they could find on the topic and practiced all the time. And what better way to practice than applying all their knowledge to their tea parties?

Since she didn’t have so many different spoons, knives and forks, she used her paintbrushes as pretend cutlery. That way they could still practice and learn. And soon both she and Mr. Rabbit knew just how to behave at the table. They could be drinking tea with a queen and she wouldn’t be able to find a fault in their table manners.

So when at her birthday party Alice noticed that Mr. Rabbit’s forks weren’t put in the right order, she, naturally, had a reaction.

“Your forks are out of place,” she said, disappointment coating her voice. “When will you learn, Mr. Rabbit?” she reached over the table to fix his mistake when something caught her gaze.

There was a hole in his neck where she could see his stuffing showing. She’d noticed the wrong order of the forks but hadn’t noticed his injury. Who knew how long he’d sported it. Her friend was in pain and she was scolding him for forks instead of trying to help him.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Rabbit,” she apologized as she took him in her embrace and the tears started falling, wetting his fur.

That year Alice wished to be able to help her friend. She’d be forever stuck in that bloody tower anyway. All the previous years and unfulfilled wishes proved it. At least that way she would be able to take care of her friend who was always there to help her pass the time. Maybe that would make her own pain go away, too.

Soon after that she decided to learn to tie knots to take her mind off the most recent accident. It would be useful, too, when she joined her papa on the Jolly Roger, and they would sail the seas together. And her papa would be so proud of her when he saw how good of a sailor she was.

She took a piece of rope and began practicing. She already knew how to tie a knot or two. Her papa had shown her some basics and had said he’d teach her more when he got her out of there. But now that he was gone, she had to teach herself.

Her nostrils flared as she looked at the rope in her hands before throwing it on the ground. It was useless to her. She couldn’t even get out of the tower. And even if she could, she couldn’t go anywhere near her papa. The mark on her wrist was there to stay and keep them apart while also being a constant reminder of her misfortune.

She got up and joined Mr. Rabbit for some tea that he had prepared. She took her cup for a sip, but put it back down with a clash as soon as she’d drunk from it. It was the wrong tea. It was the one that kept her awake. Mr. Rabbit knew that. He’d been there to see her restless tossing and turning.

“You mixed up the tea!” she accused. “When will you learn, Mr. Rabbit?” she asked as she jumped from her chair, knocking down another cup in the process.

It shattered against the floor, startling Alice. Her eyes widened when she saw the pattern on the pieces of china. That was her cup. Mr. Rabbit hadn’t mixed up the tea. She’d mixed up the cups.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Rabbit,” she looked at him apologetically. “But I’ll tell you what,” she continued in a conspiratorial tone, “how about I throw you a party next week?” She smiled excitedly. “Great!”

She went to clean up the mess, glad that she’d have something to keep her mind off her birthday. Another one had come and gone and she was still trapped. That always tormented her so much that she couldn’t sleep at that time of the year. But now she had a distraction and a very important task. She had to make it up to her friend.

The party the following week was grand. Everyone attended and held up to the high standards when it came to etiquette and language – only Latin was allowed. The room was full of chatter and the inspired decorations that Alice had made by tying pieces of rope together. And Mr. Rabbit was the guest of honor. He even had a new bow-tie that she’d made him to cover the stitches on his neck.

The two of them had a toast, clinking their cups together, and Alice was glad to find that the cup that she’d glued back together didn’t fall apart. And neither had the book of Latin after she’d fixed it. It appeared that she was learning. And Mr. Rabbit was learning with her, too.

*somnia vera facit – dream come true

#once upon a time #ouat #alice jones #knight rook #mr. rabbit #fanfiction #my fanfiction #my writing #100 followers #operation end

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thank-god-and-you · 6 years

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Happy Birthday, @awesomegreentie. I hope you’ve had a wonderful birthday. You deserve it. Thanks for always being awesome!

-- --

“I thought I might find you out here.”

John turned at the sound of the sweet voice, heard over the blaring music which was loud once more now that the door had been creaked open. It was Anna, of course, who had tracked him down out here. She always seemed to have a sixth sense where he was concerned.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he said, turning back so he could go back to contemplating the stars. The door shut with a slam as Anna stepped away from it, muffling the music once more. Now it was just the two of them alone with the distant bumps of the beats and the whisper of the wind through the trees and the rustling of night-time creatures somewhere out there in the dark.

“Mind if I join you?” Anna asked.

He shrugged, bringing his half-smoked cigarette up for a long drag. “Be my guest.”

Her heels crunched beneath the gravel as she crossed the short distance to his side, sweeping her skirts up daintily as she came to sit beside him on the old, majestic steps.

“Thought you’d given up?” she said, sounding part amused, part disapproving.

“It’s a work in progress,” he muttered, throwing the fag down the steps, where it kindled sadly a few feet away. He was almost there; it was down to her that he’d decided to try and quit in the first place, for he’d seen the way that she wrinkled her nose and stepped downwind of him whenever he lit up. He did not want to do anything that might repel her, but this was one habit that he was finding rather difficult to break.

“I take it you’re not enjoying it in there?” she asked, wrapping her arms around her knees.

“Whatever gave you that impression?” John deadpanned, returning to contemplating the night sky above his head.

“Well, the fact that you’re sitting alone on some uncomfortable stone steps rather gives the game away,” she said. “Is it really so bad in there?”

He shrugged. “It’s all right. Not really my cup of tea. I’m not really a fan of being penned in like a sardine in a room full of drunks.”

Anna tutted sympathetically. She knew of the struggles that he’d had with alcoholism in the past, but she made no mention of them now, which he was grateful for. He did not enjoy talking about that part of his life. It was one that he would erase if he could. One of many parts. “It was rather warm in there. It’s much nicer out here. All that dancing has taken its toll.”

That was another reason why he had been reluctant to remain in that room. Anna was always the life and soul of the party, laughing and joking with her friends, but although he told himself that he enjoyed seeing her so happy—that he wanted to see her happy—it did not quite extend to watching her in the arms of able-bodied men who could provide things for her that he could not. He had been good friends with her for more than two years now, and during that time he had found that his feelings for her had morphed into so much more than he could ever have imagined.

In some respects, there had been an air of inevitability about it. How could there not have been? Anna was so easy to love, be that as a friend or more. She had brought sunshine back to his life, sunshine that had been missing for so long; Vera had been the storm clouds that had scudded across his blue skies and choked all the light from the world. Right from the very first moment they had met, Anna had been determined to befriend him, and had not been put off by his attempts at a polite rebuffal. Bit by bit, he’d let his guard down around her until he could truly call her his friend, but he had not been expecting to find it slipping to the point where his heart was exposed once more.

And yet it had. And there was something so dangerously terrifying about it. He was powerless to stop. Unable to erect those barriers once more. She had wriggled through the cage around his heart like a soldier might wriggle through the mud to penetrate enemy lines and take prisoners.

Her smiles lit up his whole world and hearing her full-throated laughter gave him a reason to get through the day. He lived for the moments when they might get time alone, whether that was a snatched moment huddled together in the break room during lunch, else a day spent out together at the weekend, where they might do any number of things that under ordinary circumstances he would have avoided like the plague. In such a short space of time, she had become the most important person in his life, even more so than Robert, who had been a constant in his life despite the turbulence of recent years. She was one of those rare, special people that could turn someone’s whole life upside down with just a kind word.

Which was what made it so inexorable. Because he would not be the only person to notice all of her wonderful qualities. One day very soon, he was sure that she would capture the attention of some young man, perhaps even one she had danced with tonight, and he would set out to sweep her off her feet. She was not infallible, and though she had never said so to him, she surely had to be coming to the age now where she was thinking about what her future might hold. He’d never known her to have a boyfriend, and if she’d seen anyone even casually she had never said so, but he thought he knew her well enough to know that she was looking for a happy family life at some point. And she deserved that. She deserved happiness so much.

It just wouldn’t be easy to watch her, not when he’d fallen for her so helplessly. Kisses, cosying up at parties like this one, a wedding invitation handed to him with a beaming smile, asking him to be godfather…

“John?”

He came back to himself with a bump, to find Anna staring at him with a frown on her face.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

He tried a chuckle. “I’m fine.”

“You sure? You don’t seem it.”

“No, it’s just what you were saying. I wasn’t really enjoying myself in there.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder to indicate the frivolities that were still coming loud and muffled from inside. “You know I’m a miserable arse.”

“You’re not,” she protested. “And I have to say, I rather agree with you. It was all getting a bit much, wasn’t it?”

John cocked his eyebrow at her. That was one thing he hadn’t been expecting her to say; indeed, she hadn’t looked at all like she was unhappy whenever he’d clapped eyes on her.

Evidently reading the expression on his face correctly, she grinned at him. “I’m a good actress when I have to be, Mr. Bates. I wouldn’t want Robert and Cora to think that I wasn’t enjoying myself. That would hurt their feelings. Besides, Mary is plain-speaking enough for the both of us.”

John snorted. That was true enough. Mary and Anna were like chalk and cheese, and it was surprising to many that they could be such good friends. Not only was Anna several years older, she also had a sensitivity that Mary was lacking. The eldest Crawley daughter enjoyed being in the spotlight, whilst Anna was happy to support from the side-lines, making everyone else the stars of their own shows. Indeed, Anna was the only person who loyally stood by Mary through everything; even Robert and Cora had had cross words to say about their eldest child before.

“Even so,” he said. “Being in there has got to be a better prospect than you being stuck out here with a grumpy arse like me. At least it’s warm in there.”

“I’d still rather be out here with you,” she said without missing a beat. “And if I get too cold, I can always steal your jacket. Grumpy or not, you’re always the perfect gentleman.”

His heart leapt at her words, at her assertion that she wanted to be here with him. Still, he could not get too carried away. It wasn’t fair to either of them if he did that, pining away like some foolish schoolboy getting his first rejection from the most popular girl in school. He was forty-three, for Christ’s sake.

But they were feelings that he had to examine when he was alone. It was too difficult to analyse them now, when she was sitting so close to him and overpowering his every sense.

“I suppose I could give you that,” he conceded. “But if I end up with a cold, I hope you’ll feel guilty in your conscience.”

“More like you’ll get Man Flu,” she teased, elbowing him lightly. “I know what blokes are like. Even ones who survived the military are prone to a bit of moping when they get ill.”

“Would now be a bad time to remind you who was laid up in bed the last time they were ill?” he shot back. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to bring up that particular reminder—not for her, but for himself. She’d appeared in the morning looking terrible, and when he’d looked for her at dinner he’d discovered that she’d been sent home by Elsie Hughes, her boss. The rest of the day had dragged in a bleak kind of haze without her sunny smiles to brighten the place up, and he’d resolved to drop by her flat to check on her on his way home, keen to dissolve the knot of worry in his stomach. He’d begged a hot flask of chicken soup and some crusty bread from Mrs. Patmore’s, the little bistro across the road that always did a roaring trade, and had proceeded to take the whole lot to her door. She’d looked terrible, red-nosed and puffy-eyed, hair tied in a messy braid and five times wider than she usually was because of the many thick blankets that she had wrapped around her shoulders, but sickly and snotty as she was, she’d still taken his breath away.

It was the moment that it had hit him like a lethal bolt of lightning, illuminating the way and leaving him frazzled: he loved her.

That had been a year ago, and he’d still not quite come to terms with the fact. Had hoped that it was just some silly notion that he would get over and perhaps even be able to laugh about with himself in years to come; did he remember that time when he’d actually thought he’d fallen for his best friend? Ah, yes, what a ridiculous time that had been…

Alas. It was far from a laughing matter.

“John?”

He snapped to attention again. “Sorry.”

Anna had resumed her frowning at him, her brow creased. “I wish you’d just come out with it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Whatever it is that’s playing on your mind. I can hear your brain whirring from here. It’s not pleasant. Is there something bothering you?”

Yes, he wanted to scream. “No,” he said instead.

“You would tell me if there was, wouldn’t you? Maybe there’s something I can do to help.”

“There’s nothing you could do even if there was something bothering me,” he said flatly.

“So you’re admitting that there is something.”

“Anna,” he warned with a sigh, “drop it, please.”

She scrunched her nose in defiance. “Why? I worry about you, you know. I just want to see you happy.”

If only she knew exactly what would make him happy. He scrubbed a hand down his face, using the time to take a deep breath. Christ, he could really use another cigarette. “You’ve no reason to worry about me. I’m fine.”

“But you’re not, are you?” There was a bite of impatience in Anna’s voice, something that he’d never heard before. “Something…something’s changed recently, John, I can feel it.” She paused a moment. He waited, his heart swooping in a sickening fashion, waited for her to continue and break down the barriers, unleash the unstoppable flood.

“I have no idea what you mean,” he said staunchly.

“Don’t give me that. Those are the lines you spin to the others to make them think that you’ve got your life in order. I hear Ethel say it a hundred times a day to disguise the fact that she’s barely getting by with little Charlie to protect.”

“I’m not a young single mother,” he pointed out.

“Don’t be pedantic. It’s just an example.”

“Well, I’ll save you the trouble of trying to draw parallels. What could I possibly be hiding?”

“I don’t know, do I? If I did, this whole conversation would be moot.”

If she did, he would likely never hear from her again. Women were subjected to that all the time, weren’t they? Idiot blokes who were mortally wounded because the object of their affection didn’t feel the same way about them. He hoped that he didn’t fall into the same category—he certainly didn’t think it was his God-given right to have her love, knew for a fact that she would be far better off with someone else—but there were too many horror stories out there. He forced the best smile he could. It did not feel natural on his face, but he had to convince her.

“Anna, really, I promise you, everything’s fine. You’d be the first to know if it wasn’t, all right?”

“Which I know is a lie,” she insisted. “I know you, John, better than you might think I do. You’re always so bloody noble, trying to shield us all from what you perceive to be a world of horrors. Even Robert has said that you don’t let him in to the worst of your suffering, and you went through so much together. But I can read you like a book, as well as you can read me, and I see the suffering in your eyes. All I want is the opportunity to help ease that.”

“Anna—”

“I know you don’t want to expose me to the worst of your demons, but I’m not a child, and I’m not weak. I can handle whatever it is. They always say that a problem shared is a problem halved.”

“No—”

“Because I do worry about you, you know, I’m not just saying it. You mean so much to me and the thought of you being in any kind of pain makes me feel sick to the stomach.”

“Anna, please—”

“So if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, all you need to do is say the word and I’ll do it.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, harsh and angry. Since the moment she had appeared outside, his frustrations and feelings of inadequacy had been growing and growing, culminating in this moment. Right now, he was angry. Angry at her for being unable to let a subject drop when he’d made it quite clear that he did not want to discuss it. Angry at himself for wallowing like a complete prick when he needed to get his arse in gear and accept the ways of the world.

Anna blinked at him, shocked. “What do you mean?” There was a tinge of hurt in her tone, an accusatory bite that did nothing to improve his mood. He gnashed his teeth.

“You can’t just fix the world, Anna. I know that you like to think that you can, but it’s not that simple. Some things are beyond your control, and there’s nothing you can do to set them to rights.”

“But if I just knew—”

“Has it never once crossed your mind that you’re the problem?”

Anna pulled up short, fear evident in her tone now. “What? What are you talking about?”

He’d already said too much; he needed to bite his tongue and turn away, to somehow make this conversation a figment of a past that would never be remembered and would never be touched on again.

But it was too late. Never mind the fact that Anna would poke and pry and extract like a surgeon in the operating theatre; the tide was too far in, and he’d been swept out on an unforgiving sea of emotions, each one raging and threatening to drown him. The words continued to spill like a tsunami, and there was nothing he could do to stop the destruction.

“It’s always been you. You’re at the centre of everything, and it’s driving me mad. Don’t you see? I can’t go a damn day without thinking about you, about how much joy you bring to me, about how I’m so desperate to be a good man for you, and I’m in despair because I know that I can never be the person that you deserve. I torture myself with the thought of you meeting someone else and I know that it’s going to happen one day, and I will be happy for you when it does, but there’s still nothing that terrifies me more than the thought of you falling in love with someone else, and I hate myself for it because it makes me such a selfish bastard, but there’s nothing I can do to control it—”

“John—”

He ignored her, terrified of what would happen when he stopped talking. “So, fine, have it your way: there is something bothering me. You want me to say it? I’ll say it. I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get it out of my damned head even though I know it’s wrong. Forgive me that I don’t feel like the life and soul of the bloody party because I can’t get you out of my head!”

The silence in the aftermath of his outburst was ringing; even the wind stopped blowing, as if in distress at the situation. For one whole second, it felt as if the weight that had been dragging him down to his death had been lifted.

But then reality set back in. Set back in with a crash, with the sudden closing of his throat as he realised that the most closely-guarded secret he had ever kept had come spilling out of him, paving the way for a grand explosion which would surely cause casualties. Bile clawed at his throat. No. No, this should not have happened. He’d fucked everything up, like he had done with every good thing he’d ever had.

“John.”

Anna’s voice was soft and tender, filled with pity. That was one thing he could not stomach. Not pity. Not from her, the one person who had never shown him any when he had limped into Downton worse for wear. The anxiety rose and rose, threatening to overwhelm him as his throat closed further. Lurching to his feet, he stumbled down a couple of steps, almost losing his footing without his cane, scrabbling uselessly in his pocket for a cigarette, anything that might help to keep him calm as he sorted through the aftermath of the mess he had made.

“John,” Anna repeated, and he found that he could not bear to listen to her. He did not want to hear her bracing consolations, her futile attempts to cement over the cracks that had just fractured their relationship apart. Because that was painfully clear to him now: after this, there could be no relationship. He could not continue to be her friend, for the shame of what he had done would haunt him and make a mockery of the charade he had tried to live through; he could not bear to think that she would spend every moment with him wondering what his motivations were.

He located his lighter. It took him five attempts to light up, his hands were shaking so badly. He took a deep drag to give himself courage, turning his back on her to stare out into the endless darkness.

“Never mind, forget that I said anything,” he said, his voice wavering. It was the weakest and most pointless thing he could ever have said. As if this could be forgotten about now.

He heard her clambering to her feet behind him. “And how do I do that?” she demanded, echoing his thoughts. “You don’t have power over what I can and can’t remember, no matter how much you might want to.”

The words compelled him to spin around, injured indignation coursing through his veins, but all retorts died in his throat. In her heels, standing several steps above him, she towered above him for the first time in their friendship; the anger seemed to come off her in currents, giving her a crackling kinetic energy that he was keen to avoid. Her blue eyes flashed as she looked down on him, and her own voice shook as she spoke.

“Don’t you dare,” she said lowly. “Don’t you dare try to dictate how this goes. You can’t tell me that you have feelings for me and then demand that we forget about it as if none of it matters. This involves me too. You don’t get to decide.”

“I’m not saying it for that,” he muttered. “Look, this whole thing is just bloody stupid.” He wished that he could go back five minutes. Back to when he had been lovelorn and lonely but at least still in control of his feelings. Back to when at least Anna was oblivious.

She folded her arms across her chest and glowered at him with a fire in her eyes. He could barely keep holding her gaze, feeling strangely like a scolded schoolboy in her presence.

“You don’t get to decide,” she repeated. “You can’t say something as momentous as all that and expect it to be brushed under the carpet. God, John.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.” It was a snap.

“Well, what else is there to say? I’ve fucked everything up.”

“Stop it,” she said fiercely. “That’s not true.”

He ran a hand through his hair and took another drag on his cigarette. “And what would you call it, then?”

“The catalyst,” she said simply. It gave him reason to pause.

“What?” he said.

Anna did not move from her station above him; she seemed to realise that in this position, she had all the power, literally as well as figuratively.

“You’re standing there doing what you always do, taking the blame for all the wrongs in the world,” she said. “And I bet it’s never even once crossed your mind that that there might be another outcome.”

“I’m not following,” he said stiffly, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible; the last thing he needed was to lose his Irish temper and make things even more irreparable.

“You’ve known me two years. And in both of those years, I’ve never once shown an interest in a man.”

The abrupt change in tact took him by surprise. “What?”

She huffed. “Think about it logically, John. There have been opportunities for me to date someone, you know that as well as I do.”

He flashed back to the way that men had clamoured around her only half an hour earlier, each one desperate to take her home. There had been a hundred nights like it in the past.

“So?” he said guardedly.

Anna almost growled. “Can you really not think why that might be?”

“Because you’ve not been interested in any of them,” he shot back; really, that did not take a genius to work out.

But she shook her head. “It’s more than that. It’s always been more than that.”

And then she confessed. Spoke the words that in a million years, a thousand lifetimes, he’d never, ever thought he would hear.

“The reason why should be obvious: it’s you. You’re it. You’re the one I want.”

The words seemed to take an age to process in his brain, and when they did he found that he couldn’t form a sentence. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and managed to croak, “What did you just say?”

Anna had not wavered. That was the story of their relationship. Whenever things got tough, he could rely on Anna always being there, steadfast and loyal and unmoving. He’d thought for sure that this would be the thing to change that but, miraculously, she was still there, unchanged. Beautiful.

“You heard me,” she said calmly. “I’m saying that I feel the same way about you.”

She reciprocated. She reciprocated. It couldn’t be real.

But it was.

“I’ve felt this way about you for almost two years,” she told him, unabashed. “It’s been as torturous for me as you say it has been for you. I was never sure whether you were flirting with me because you felt comfortable, or because you genuinely thought me attractive. I know what you went through with Vera, and so I had no idea if you would even contemplate the idea of having a relationship with someone again. You’ve never exactly made yourself emotionally easy to read, have you?”

Well, okay, he supposed that was a fair point. But still… “I didn’t think it was possible that you’d ever find me attractive.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious.”

“It’s not that ridiculous,” he said defensively. “I’m fifteen years older than you. I’m hardly the kind of man someone would have as a pinup.”

“That’s a matter of perspective,” said Anna. He repressed the urge to shake his head, even as the warm glow touched his heart. Only Anna would be able to see past his old, tired features to something worthwhile inside, something that even he struggled to see most of the time. It was a testament to what a wonderful person she was, and any man would be lucky to have her.

And somehow she wanted him.

It was as if she could read his mind, for her lips quirked up in a smile. For the first time since his outburst, she looked happier.

“Anyway, I’ll admit that this has come as a relief,” she said. “We’re on the same page?”

If he was a better man, he’d let her loose to live her life. What could he really offer her, with the chequered past that he was forced to carry wherever he went?

But she’d just told him that she felt the same way about him. She’d made him the happiest man in the world. He’d be a fool to turn that away. He could not stop the smile that erupted across his face, so wide that it was almost painful. He threw his half-smoked cigarette aside.

“I’d say we are,” he said.

“Then come up here,” she said, crooking her finger at him. He was powerless to resist her, limping up the stairs until they were of the same height. Without preamble she draped her arms around his shoulders and leaned in towards him. He had a moment to register the alluring smell of her perfume and the scent of her hair before her mouth was on his, impossibly soft and sweet. She didn’t seem to mind that he’d just smoked, her fingers moving up to twine through he short hairs at the back of his head.

It was the best first kiss that he’d ever had. Pulling her closer, he slid his hands around her hips and thanked his lucky stars.

He wasn’t even sure how much time had passed; all he knew was her. Her mouth against his own, her soft sighs and murmurs as she pushed nearer. He kept his eyes closed, focusing on everything she was.

The door opened with a bang behind them.

“Anna, are you out here…? Oh!”

Mary’s loud voice was an unexpected—and unwelcome—interruption, and Anna pulled away. John’s heart lurched in his chest as he peered over Anna’s shoulder to find the eldest Crawley daughter standing there with her arms folded across her chest, looking for all the world like a mother catching her daughter in the act.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” she said disapprovingly.

“Oh, go away, Mary,” Anna grumbled, completely unperturbed by her friend’s arrival. “What do you want?”

“Clearly nothing that’s more important than this,” she smirked, recovering herself. “How exciting. I thought you’d never get on with it.”

Anna grinned, cheeky as ever. “Well, better late than never, as they say.”

“Indeed.” Mary wrinkled her nose. “Never mind. I’ll just tell the others that you’re walking her home, shall I, John?”

Anna giggled and answered for him. “Yes, please. Thank you, Mary. You’re the best.”

“Don’t I know it,” she muttered, and flounced away with the wounded air of someone who had witnessed the most unsavoury thing of all. Unaffected, Anna leaned against him, pressing her lips to his cheek.

“You heard her, Mr. Bates,” she whispered. “Walk me home.”

He was happy to oblige.

-- --

The prompts were:

I just told you I liked you but now I’m shy and say “never mind, forget it”

“It’s you. You’re it. You’re the one I want.”

#John Bates #Anna Bates #Anna x Bates #Banna #Downton Abbey #my fanfiction #AnnaxBates #Anna/Bates #Team Bates #OTP: thank God and you #awesomegreentie #Happy Birthday!

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peppermintfeminist · 6 years

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85 questions tag game

Tagged by @the-lincyclopedia! Hi friend! Sending a hug your way!

— What was your last…

1. Drink: Alcoholic? White wine. Non-alcoholic? Herbal tea.

2. Phone call: My parents, who are pretty much the only people I call on the phone.

3. Text message: “Happy almost Pesach!!” to a friend back home.

4. Song you listened to: Tighten Up, by the Black Keys.

5. Time you cried: a few weeks ago, I think? Mostly from general stress/exhaustion. I need a good cry every now and then.

— Have you ever...

6. Dated someone twice: Nope.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope.

8. Been cheated on: Nope.

9. Lost someone special: Yes, in several different senses.

10. Been depressed: No, I don’t think so.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No, and I hope I never will.

— Fave colours

12. Turquoise

13. Berry

14. Burnt orange

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Yes, many, including someone who is now one of the most important people in my life.

16. Fallen out of love: No because I haven’t been in love in the first place.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes, in a good way!

19. Met someone who changed you: Many people.

20. Found out who your friends are: I think this is a constant process for me, but there hasn’t been any particular ~drama~ in the past year, luckily. Most I’ve just reconfirmed that my closest friends are wonderful and really important to me.

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Alas, no.

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: I’ve met almost all of them at least once, and the vast majority are people I knew in real life first.

23. Do you have any pets: I have several beloved stuffed animals and an aloe vera plant. Somebody I would like a dog or maybe a cat.

24. Do you want to change your name: I think about it sometimes, but I’m pretty attached to this one. I might end up using other names or versions of my name in different professional contexts, though.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I went out for drinks with some old friends at midnight, and I celebrated with my family during the day.

26. What time did you wake up today: 8:20 am.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping, for once!

28. What is something you can’t wait for: Living with friends and HAVING MY OWN KITCHEN. There are actually a lot of things in the next year or two that I’m awaiting with breathless anticipation--the near future looks very bright right now.

29. This question is mysteriously missing, so I will pose a question to the universe/the people I’m going to tag: Any fun or unusual hobbies or skills?

30. What are you listening to right now: Closer to Fine, by the Indigo Girls

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes, several Toms have been important in my life.

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: Hot weather.

33. Most visited website: I check my email compulsively.

34. Hair colour: I think it’s brown with golden undertones, some people insist it’s blond, we will never know the truth

35. Long or short hair: short!

36. Do you have a crush on someone: No, and I haven’t had a serious/long-lasting crush in several years, which kind of makes me sad. I would like to fall in love with someone soon.

37. What do you like about yourself: Quite a few things, actually. I’m in a good place re: self esteem these days. One thing I’ve been proud of recently is my courage.

38. Want any piercings: No more than the ones I already have.

39. Blood type: Be positive

40. Nicknames: I don’t share my real name or any variations of it on Tumblr, but I do have nicknames. They exist, I promise. Well, one does. I could use some more.

41. Relationship status: Somewhat unhappily single.

42. Sign: I don’t identify with my horoscope sign at all, but I’m an INFJ.

43. Pronouns: good question

44. Fave tv show: In general? The West Wing. Right now? Black Sails, One Day at a Time, or Brooklyn 99.

45. Tattoos: Maybe someday, but probably not. But I love other people’s! Tattooing is such a fascinating art form.

46. Fave city: San Francisco.

47: Ever had surgery: Very minor surgeries in the past, but I have a slightly bigger one coming up, so please send good vibes!

48. Piercings: Rather mundane ones in my ears.

49. Sport: Baseball, to watch. I don’t really play sports. When I want to move my body, I like to hike, bike, walk, and do Pilates.

50. Vacation: After I get home from where I am right now, I’m hoping my next small vacation will be a trip to the beach with family and my next large vacation will be a cross-country road trip with friends. But those are both pretty far in the future and have not yet been planned.

— More general

52. Eating: Roasted vegetables, pasta of all varieties, olive oil, salmon, crepes, good cheese and bread, pad see ew, banh mi, my mom’s homemade granola and homemade yogurt and fresh fruit, matzah ball soup

53. Drinking: excessive quantities of herbal tea, sesame bubble tea, mojitos, non-alcoholic ginger beer, decaf peppermint mochas

54. I’m about to watch: Black Sails, season 3 episode 8.

55. Waiting for: Many good things. See 28.

56. Want: A healthy and loving romantic relationship; peanut butter (long story); time and energy to work on my novel.

57. Get married: Yes PLEASE. If you think I don’t already have a secret wedding dress Pinterest, you are wrong.

58. Career: Rabbi and author.

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: I’m afraid I don’t have any data in the kissing category, but I love hugs. I’ve been told by numerous people that I’m a very good hugger.

60. Lips or eyes: See 59, but eyes are very nice.

61. Shorter or taller: For a romantic partner? Taller.

62. Older or younger: If we’re still talking about romantic partners, I don’t want there to be much of an age gap at all.

63. Nice arms or stomach: Arms, I guess? I feel like I generally don’t have strong opinions on people’s arms or stomachs. Though I guess if someone has especially nice arms or a very lovely stomach, I do notice.

64. Hookup or relationships: Relationships. I really can’t imagine circumstances in which I would decide to hook up with someone, but, well, never say never.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: Neither? I try to be courageous, but like, courageous in healthy and socially acceptable ways.

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: Lol, see 59.

67. Drank hard liquor: In mixed drinks, yes. On its own, ew no.

68. Turned someone down: Yes, actually.

69. Sex on first date: Pssssh no.

70: Broken someone’s heart: Not as far as I know.

71. Had your heart broken: Romantically, no. Friendship-wise, yeah.

72. Been arrested: No.

73. Cried when someone died: Yes, a lot.

74. Fallen for a friend: Hoo boy have I EVER.

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: Yes.

76. Miracles: Yes.

77. Love at first sight: Sort of, though I think the kind of love that happens at first sight is rarely the kind of love you end up settling into after a few more sights, because I believe you have to know a person at least a little to really love them, and I believe you have to share some time with a person to know them.

78. Santa Claus: I actually did when I was little, but I was disillusioned pretty early on.

79. Angels: Of the human variety.

— Misc

80. Eye colour: Unclear. Blueish.

81. Best friend’s name: I have at least four best friends right now, and I won’t share their names, but they start with B, K, A, and I.

82. Favourite movie: The Prince of Egypt (WOOT WOOT TIS THE SEASON)

83. Favourite actor: Julie Andrews.

84. Favourite cartoon: I never really watched cartoons as a kid, but my favorite animated show is Yuri on Ice.

85. Religion: lol see 58

Tagging @livesinruins, @hummingwyrd, @emotions-of-many-teaspoons, @midshipmank, and @miraniel!

#about me #ask games #personal

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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OKAY. so my entire day post is going to be put under a cut because the entire thing is WAY TMI, but there’s way too much shit that happened that I need to process and I already gave the sanitized language version of it on twitter but I can’t fully process it without getting into details. you have been warned- WAY TMI.

okay, so. backstory, I woke up on Tuesday with stomach pain and ended up spending most of the day on the toilet. By the time I finished (like 7 hours later- yeah it was BAD) I noticed there was something weird going on down there, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Wednesday morning I was having a lot of pain and it occurred to me that maybe because of Tuesday I had a hemorrhoid (it only gets worse from here, so if that makes you squirm you should bail out now), but like, idk because I’ve never had one before and idk what they look like, so I googled it and shit and did their home remedy stuff, sitting on a ice pack helped, I did a “sitz bath” (which is basically sitting in four inches lukewarm water for 15 minutes), aloe vera, and really nothing helped. Woke up this morning and it was still bad. I showered because the warm water did help a bit, but I was getting suspicious at this point that something else was going on here, so I asked my mom to look at it and she was like WOW OKAY WE’RE GOING TO THE DOCTOR. And here lies the problem of trying to diagnose and treat your injuries off google, because I wouldn’t have known that other than my suspicions that hey there’s this giant bulge in my ass crack and it probably shouldn’t be there. my primary care couldn’t fit me in today but they recommended we go to the walk in clinic, so we do that and the doctor takes one look at that and is like “yeah this looks like a rectal prolapse and a hemorrhoid and you need to go to the ER right away” OH JOY. so if you’re not up on your scientific vocabulary, a rectal prolapse is basically when part of your digestive tract comes outside of your body and usually requires surgery to fix. wonder-fucking-ful. Thankfully we’re close to the local hospital that’s like, the number one trauma center on LI (it’s like two miles from my house so that’s always been convenient) so we go there and the urgent care people gave us a letter to give the triage people, but we still ended up waiting in the hallway for like an hour and a half, during which I was in pure misery, but the male nurse who drew my blood was sweet though and slightly flirty but in a nice and not a creepy way so there’s that at least. he left the needle in my arm because it sounded like I’d be needing it at some point. So eventually we get called, and taken into a section called the clinical decisions unit, where I guess is where they figure out if you need surgery or not. So I get in there and someone comes to look and is like OH YEAH LEMME GO GET THE DOCTOR because everyone seemed to agree this was high key bad, so they got doctors, and more doctors, they even took pictures and sent them to the head guy of the department, but the consensus was oh yeah, this needs surgery to fix. and at this point I’m just like fine, just get it done. they did give me some pain medication around 3 or so, which ended up by 5 mg of morphine, which took pretty much all my pain away and I only felt slightly woozy lol but that perked me up significantly and I was actually like talking and stuff instead of lying there looking like death. there was a bit of a wait for the OR so we had to chill for a while, then eventually I get brought in there and the surgeon comes and like, I had been thinking all day about watching The Resident and just how ridiculously easy it is for them to just straight up kill patients in routine surgeries and they have the one chief of surgery who’s got a hand tremor and is just like slicing organs open, and then in comes this guy who’s like the #1 in the department and has gray hair and I’m just like FUCK MY LIFE I hope I survive this lol (I know the show isn’t very realistic when it comes to that subject). So we’re getting ready, their general idea is that they’re just gonna cut the damn thing off because it looked infected and shit, so they go to check and the doctor is like “oh, uh, it’s gone” and I was like......”really? are you sure????” cuz apparently it slipped back in because that’s a thing that can happen, but they were like well we should still probably go ahead with the surgery because the hemorrhoid is still there and could pop back out, so we go for it, they decided to not do general anesthesia but do sedation, whatever the difference between those two is, so I was out anyway and I woke up after and they were like “yeah so turns out it wasn’t a hemorrhoid and he didn’t have to do any cutting or stitching” and I was like “....so then what did he do?” haha and I’m still not 100% sure about that one really, but they were more than happy to send me home which I was very thankful for because I did not want to spend part of my spring break in the hospital. so they got me out of there pretty quickly with a giant bandage on my butt that I’m not sure is serving any purpose at all really, but they told me to leave it on there until I shit again so I guess that’s what I’ll do. We got home, my mom went to pick up the percocet they called into the pharmacy for me but they were closed, a little while after my dad and my brother got home, my dad was speaking at this big thing tonight that he’s trying to launch at churches across the island about understanding the opioid epidemic and how to prevent it, and he said not quite as many people showed up as he would’ve liked but it was still good so that was good to hear. As far as how all this craziness started, I’ve in the past had episodes of like scathing stomach pain that make me feel like I have to go to the bathroom, but I usually end up cowering in pain on the toilet with nothing coming, until eventually something will give and it’ll all just pour out as liquid (again, I told you this is TMI) and like, it used to happen a lot more frequently when I wasn’t eating much and my regularity was thrown way off schedule (like once a week) but I don’t do that anymore and I take a fiber supplement every day because I’m on a high dose iron supplement thanks to me being super anemic, so it’s usually not an issue, it happened the night of my sister’s sweet 16 at the end of October but I think it’s only happened maybe once in the four months between then and now? And I did bring it up at my last gastroenterologist appointment but he didn't seem to think much of it and said it was probably just another muscle spasm (because he had just said my chest pain issues were probably caused by a muscle spasm). The doctor from the hospital tonight apparently recommended I get a colonoscopy done at some point to make sure everything is alright and in place, but idk if I’m gonna do that because I have a pretty good idea of just how this happened, plus I have a lot of like, traumatic memories about that stuff from when I was little and they thought I had Crohn’s disease (when it was actually just nightly cramps for an entire year before my period showed up) and being subjected to a bunch of really invasive stuff that I was not at all comfortable with so that’s not exactly gonna be on the top of my to do list. Other than that they said not to strain when going to the bathroom and eat a lot of fibre, so I’m gonna try harder to eat actual fiber and not just the shit in caplets, and try to make that work out better. and yeah, that is about it, after all that I chatted with friends for a bit then started getting ready for bed with this absurdly large bandage on my butt 😂 We’re supposed to go out to dinner to this super schmancy place (because my parents have a gift card to it) tomorrow to celebrate my brother and I’s birthdays (his was today but because of all the crazy we’re gonna celebrate this weekend) so hopefully that will work out. And oh yeah, since I turn 26 in 11 days, if this happened 11 days from now I would’ve totally FUCKED because I would’ve had no health insurance thanks to getting kicked off my parents plan at 26!!! Lovely *sigh*. And as much as it does suck to get sick on vacation, I am at least glad I was with my family and not in Chicago where I had nobody except like, Jess (and no offense to her in the slightest, because I’m sure she would’ve been great, but with this kind of thing a mom is just better suited for it), and that sounds kinda miserable. Okay, that’s the end for real now, I took my pills a while ago and now my eyes really want to shut and I’m going to listen to them. If you made it all the way through, thank you for suffering through all that TMI to find out how I’m actually doing, though I kinda doubt many of you will actually reach this far, lol, but I cannot blame you for that. Goodnight my dear friends. I hope your Thursday was a hell of a lot better than mine.

#daily journal #March 2018

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