#god damn I love this author's way with dialogue | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

allexina · 1 month

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Content warnings: reader is female and uses she/her pronouns, internalized misogyny, physical violence, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, mentions of starvation, and child neglect.

Johnny Cade x Female! Reader - Sinners

Summary: You were stuck in a very religious household and were raised to believe that bad things would happen if you didn’t follow the rules set for you perfectly. When you meet Johnny Cade, an innocent boy who just wants what’s best for you, he shows you what affection and love is when given in a healthy dosage and not used in a detrimental way. When you finally open up to him about your family, Johnny decides he wants to get you out before something bad happens to you.

Author’s note: I’m so sorry that this took so long!! I’ve been experimenting and rewriting this to fix everything. I’ve also been going back and forth between multiple of my stories so I don’t burn myself out! I do genuinely wonder what churches and all were like back then. I know there was a LOT of cults back then which was what originally inspired this. I will be coming back to proofread this/fix any dialogue that doesn’t make much sense for Johnny. Also, please give constructive criticism!:)

Word count: 5.2K+

You were on your knees, murmuring a quick prayer. You didn’t want to be outcasted or damned for missing even one prayer and that was something that was beat into you as a child. You kept your hands clasped tightly together as you heard snickering coming from behind you.

You ignored it, knowing it was those boys that had come in randomly during the sermon. You stopped yourself from thinking anything bad about the people laughing. God told you that it wasn’t your place to judge and you trusted him. You wouldn’t judge the boys no matter how many cruel words they spoke.

You felt the tears before they even started to try and fall. You had stood up from the altar and wiped the tears away quickly, hoping no one saw you. The fear of being seen crying wasn’t too strong as everyone already called you overly sensitive so it didn’t matter much if they saw you crying. You went to sit back beside your family, who were all smiling at you as if you had done some good deed by praying.

In your eyes, that was the least of your good deeds. Why didn’t any of the other times get noticed? It wasn’t like it mattered that they didn’t because you weren’t supposed to be praised for doing the bare minimum but it was still upsetting.

A woman sitting beside you smiled down at you and nodded with no actual reason. Well, you thought she was saying hello without speaking. That’s how the people in your class said hello without ever speaking. You found it entertaining but never acted how they did because it was unladylike in every way.

You smiled at the woman and looked back to the preacher who was getting louder by the second. You crossed your arms as you licked your dry lips.

You would do anything to get out of the church but God wouldn’t appreciate you hating his love the way you were. You closed your eyes and looked down towards the ground as you began rapidly praying. Begging for forgiveness that you knew wouldn’t come easily, you felt your heart release the heaviness of your sins. You wouldn’t tell a soul of your true sins. The ones that keep you up late into the night; the ones that make you miss the days you would smoke cigarettes to calm yourself.

You heard the sermon slowly come to an end and you stood up without much thought as you walked into the aisle. Your parents followed you as you walked out of the church without speaking to anyone. Your mom followed you as she let out a sigh. “Your father needs to speak with the pastor so he said we could head on home.” She smiled as she placed a hand on your shoulder. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving!” She started leading you away from the church as you looked over your shoulder. A group of teenage boys had walked out of the building with one specifically watching you walk away.

Your eyes looked towards a random tree after making eye contact with the adorable boy. You thought he was handsome but you felt a certain disgust for feeling that. You were going to marry a man of your father’s choice. After all, he knew what men were like and would choose based on which man could provide for you and your future family.

Your mom pressed a kiss to your forehead as she held you tightly against her. “Do you want to start exercising more?” Your mom suddenly questioned aloud as she ran a hand through your hair. “I think we should go on more walks and get out of the house more. You’re homeschooled and have nothing else to do and I usually have our home cleaned with food on the table long before it’s needed.” She rambled on and on as you stopped.

Your house was in front of the two of you as you grabbed your mom’s hand from your shoulder and began leading her up the concrete pathway that paved the path you needed to take.

Your stomach growled angrily as you felt hunger pains spread throughout your stomach. When was the last time you ate? You couldn’t remember as you felt you still didn’t deserve to eat. You took a moment to look around your house. Your mom was trying to redecorate as much as possible for Easter. You were feeling disappointment that winter had almost ended and it was soon to be summer.

You enjoyed bundling up in the warmest of clothes while also having reason to light a fire in the fireplace. You felt your face flush as you looked in the mirror that was hung in the living room and noticed that the strap of your bra had slipped down your shoulder. Your mom watched as you pulled it up with a struggle.

“You know, you don’t have to panic when it’s just me. I have breasts, too.” You looked at her with the widest of eyes she’d or anyone had ever seen on you.

“Mom! It’s immodest to ever allow anyone to see anything that only a husband should see!” You snapped as you ran up to your room in fear of being seen as a… you couldn’t bring yourself to think the word.

You collapsed on your bed as sobs filled the empty space beside you. You were ashamed, hurt, sad. You couldn’t understand the emotions that flowed endlessly through your body.

You grabbed the comforter from the end of your bed and brought it up closer to you as you flipped and turned every which way to get comfortable. You grabbed the stuffed animal that laid beside you and hugged it close to you. You were tired and you didn’t want to be involved with anything else for that day. You had gone to church and you had prayed to God to get you out.

You closed your eyes as you slowly drifted off to sleep.

You grabbed the piece of toast off of your plate and licked your lips at the buttery taste. You were going to the library soon to find the second to the last book in a fantasy series that you had picked up.

You grabbed your purse and started to walk out of your house with a tired sigh leaving you. You wanted more sleep but you also wanted more time to yourself. Your dad had come home with another man. He told you the man was a pastor from a nearby church that wanted to talk about God with your family.

You walked down the broken sidewalk with a frown plastered on your family. You were nervous to be out in public without one of your parents with you as they told you a lot of bad people liked to prey on young girls such as yourself. It made you nervous to even look out the window some days with the things they told you.

You sped up as the wind blew a little harder against you. You were wearing a long dress that covered everything including your ankles while also covering your arms and shoulders. The dress was wildly blowing with the wind and for a good while, you thought you were going to fly away with the fallen leaves on the ground.

The buildings around you had gotten more abundant as you seen the library in the distance. You heard that same loud laughing that you heard whilst in the church which made you do a double take at the group of boys walking down the sidewalk.

Your eyes met with that of the boy who had puppy eyes. He was attractive but you forced yourself to look away from him as it was disgusting for you to feel attracted in any way to anyone until you were married. You crossed your arms and covered your breasts as you knew that your body was created to be distracting for men. You never wanted to tempt someone.

You happily pulled open the glass door to the library and walked in, feeling a sense of safety when you heard the door shut loudly behind you. You never enjoyed entering buildings. It was… terrifying for you.

You needed to find another book that would keep your thoughts solely on yourself and the characters. Your Bible had kept you pretty focused on living your life based on God but you couldn’t continue to read the same sentences over and over while pretending to completely understand the meaning.

Your eyes scanned the dozens of thick books that were laying with a layer of dust covering them. You grabbed one that had a slightly darker cover than the rest, reading the title before flipping the book over to read the back.

You heard the library door open and close loudly. You looked towards the noise and almost let out a gasp once you saw the boy with the puppy eyes. He was making eye contact with you.

You looked back down at the book that you were holding so tightly that your knuckles were white.

You watched as the boy approached you after a second, finally deciding to speak after a moment. “Uh… hey. I’m Johnny.” The boy finally sent you a shy little smile and you looked down.

“I’m R/n.” You stuck your hand out and the two of you shook hands. You were honestly shocked that he had even followed you into the library to talk to you. You felt your cheeks flush at the thought of him finding you so pretty that he wanted to talk to you.

“I saw you the other day at church and now you’re here…” Johnny’s voice sent something throughout you as he moved a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“Oh, well I appreciate you approaching me but I only date to marry. If that is why you approached me.” You lied through your teeth and it made you feel bad. You weren’t allowed to date. Your parents only wanted you to marry a nice man who would do whatever so long as it meant that you were out of their house by eighteen.

“Oh…?” Johnny sounded confused as he looked up at you. You were wearing your heels and were standing only a few inches taller than he was.

“I don’t mind! Really. I- can we just be friends?” Johnny felt his stomach continue to wrap itself in loops as he broke eye contact and began staring uncomfortably at the ground.

“Yes. I would like that.” You gripped the book in your hand as you began walking to the librarian’s desk. She took your book from your hand and before you knew it, the book was slid across the desk back to you.

Johnny continued walking with you even when his friends started calling him over. You looked at Johnny with the smallest of smiles, “you can go hang out with them, if you want. My parents are strict and wouldn’t appreciate me being around a boy without them.” Your words confused Johnny as he knew parents could be protective but why were yours wanting to be around for every little moment? You were almost an adult woman and you still heavily relied on your family which, don’t get Johnny wrong, wasn’t a bad thing but it also wasn’t healthy.

“Okay. When can I see you again?” Johnny wanted to ask you out on a date but knew you’d reject him given the opportunity which you had.

“Well, I do want to go shopping soon so if you want to come then?” You tilted your head to the left slightly, eyes staring back at Johnny’s with a certain glint in them.

“Yeah, that works.” Johnny murmured as he stared at you as if you had hung the stars in the sky.

“Well, meet me at the Summit tomorrow at twelve.” You smiled as Johnny nodded before he began walking back towards his friends.

You stared helplessly after him, feeling as if you were doing the wrong thing by allowing him to walk off like that.

You let out a sign and continued your adventure home.

“R/n? Are you done?” Your father peeked into your room to ask if you were done reading the Bible. You felt that you were as you had memorized almost every verse you were given. It was mind boggling how you could remember such complex things but forgot simple things such as how to cook a chicken breast. Maybe that’s why your parents cared so much about finding you a husband. You were still excited about the prospects of receiving love and giving it back to someone but that excitement had died down a lot since you’d seen Johnny that day at the library.

“Yes, sir.” You responded as you looked out the window. Rain was clinging to the glass as if it was its life force. You found it fascinating how the drops would hit the window and stick only for them to slowly slide down. It was a cycle that was endless and so fun to watch. Your father left you alone as you heard the thumping of his shoes on the stairs. You tried to ignore the feeling of random sadness that you had started to feel. New emotions were appearing now that you had the slightest taste of freedom.

You were excited, nervous, sad, happy, etc. all because of a boy that you would never ever get to be with in any capacity. You looked at your clock on the wall and stood up, deciding it would be better for you to go get a snack and then take a short cat nap after just to get some of your energy back.

You let out a sigh as you walked down the stairs and came face-to-chest with your father.

“What’s wrong, R/n?” He lifted a hand up only for you to walk past him quickly. You were nervous. You didn’t want to speak to your father as he would only make those feelings intensify. You sat down at the kitchen table with a frown appearing on your features.

Your mom looked at you with the smallest of smiles playing at her lips. Your plate was already made and placed down in front of you. You didn’t immediately start to eat as your father came into the kitchen and sat down at the head of the table. Your eyes watched his every move, a certain anger filling you as you watched your parents turn to each other and began a conversation.

Why did they get to do whatever they wanted, even when it counted as a sin, yet when you do something, you're deemed a demon. A sinner who will never see the pearly gates of heaven. Your mouth stayed sealed as you felt the anger dissipate into thin air as guilt overtook every other emotion. Those were your parents. They never sinned even when you believed they did because you were uneducated and you didn’t understand the Bible as much as they did.

“I met a boy today.” You finally spoke, deciding to tell your parents the truth. God would want you to tell them the full, honest truth.

Your mom leaned forward with a smile on her face, “oh, tell me about him! Is he a God fearing man? Does he understand that you aren’t willing to be intimate until marriage? What about the church's rules? Does he know them?” Your stomach twisted at your mom’s words. You closed your eyes before starting to slowly answer all of her questions.

“He is. He goes to church. I did tell him that and he was okay with it. I haven’t mentioned the rules yet.” You whispered out as you sat up a bit straighter.

Your mom had a look of excitement on her face as she started talking while your father leaned back in his chair. “You’ll have to speak with brother David.” You hated calling everyone your brother and sister. It was unfair and disgusting when people began marrying each other within the church. You thought you were all brothers and sisters. You shuddered but nodded finally.

“Okay, but I never said that I wanted to be with him.” You responded as you picked your fork up and scooped some of the mashed potatoes up onto your fork. They were creamy and perfect. You continued shoveling the food into your mouth while your mom talked to your father.

“Our daughter is growing up. Next thing we know, she’s going to be in the hospital delivering our first grandchild.” Your stomach cramped with the pain of imaginary childbirth. That pain soon drifted to your lower body as you crossed your legs with the pain finally disappearing as you stopped thinking about it.

You would hold off on giving birth for as long as you possibly could.

“She won’t be doing anything until she speaks to brother David.” Your father reiterated what he had said before and you leaned back into your chair. Well, you at least had your mom’s permission to find a lover. You also remembered the numerous conversations where he had told you that he would choose a husband for you, because you weren’t smart enough to pick a good man.

You finished the food on your plate and stood up from the table as you decided you would wash your own plate. You didn’t want to stay at the dinner table any longer than you already had. That was a waste of time in your opinion.

You let out a sigh and walked to the kitchen, scraping the leftover food off of your plate before setting the plate and fork on the countertop and turning the sink on. You loved playing within the soapy bubbles that always spread rapidly once the soap was added. It smelt good and made you feel good. It made you feel clean.

You grabbed the sponge off of the holder that kept it out of the sink. You added a little soap to it before setting the plate into the sink and washing it. By the time you were finished, you had wanted to go to sleep. You grabbed the towel that you and your mom normally used to dry the dishes and quickly wiped the water off.

You opened the cabinet and you slid the plate into its normal place. “Hey, R/n? How much do you want for your allowance?” Your mom yelled to you and you wiped your hands onto your floral dress as you quickly started to walk towards your mom. Your heels clicked on the floor of your home as you caught sight of your parents who were still sitting in the kitchen.

“I don’t mind but I do really want that (favorite colored) dress that has (favorite design) on it.” You looked at your mom before your father pulled his wallet out and pulled a few dollars out. It was more than enough for you to buy the dress.

“Thank you, father.” You wrapped your arms around your father excitedly. You couldn’t remember a time where you felt so happy about receiving money. Usually, you would argue some and hope that they kept whatever money it was that they were trying to give. When it came to the man who had a helping hand in your creation, you didn’t care much. You enjoyed taking money from him and reminding him of your existence otherwise, he wouldn’t remember you past being at church.

You started making your way back to your room, hoping that you could meet that Johnny boy again. Hopefully he would be willing to meet up with you again so you could talk further than you anxiously speaking words that shouldn’t have ever been spoken in the same sentence. You wished you wouldn’t have lied and told him that you date to marry.

You needed human interaction to survive. You loved being with some of your close friends while doing anything at all. You couldn’t care less what the interaction you had was so long as you weren’t alone.

You started walking back up onto the stairs as you thought about how you could get into contact with Johnny once more. You made it to the top of the stairs and your eyes landed on the cross that hung above the staircase. You smiled as you murmured the lightest of prayers, and went back up to your room to pick an outfit out for your day out tomorrow. You wanted to impress Johnny and make him see you in a light that made you seem almost innocent. Men only wanted innocent and modest women.

You picked out a dress that had long sleeves and went down to the floor. You would wear your heels and it would make the dress reach close to your ankles. You set the dress onto the chair in the corner of your room.

You changed into a more comfortable outside before brushing your teeth and hair.

Soon after, you were in your bed and whispering prayers to God, hoping he would bless you with the prospects of love.

You were up and eating breakfast with your stomach twisting into knots. Your mom didn’t mention the slight shake of your hands and she didn’t mention how you were dressed up with makeup and all. She didn’t want him to realize and keep you home instead of letting you go out with your friend.

“Thank you for the money.” You grabbed the orange juice and took a sip from it as your mom looked at you with a smile. Your father had a slight smile but he it didn’t reach his eyes.

You were quick to leave your house, knowing you would be an hour or so early for whatever was going to happen with Johnny. You wiped your hands onto your dress and started walking slowly. You could take the time to admire your surroundings instead of trying to book it to meet up with Johnny.

He would probably be late anyways as all of the men you knew were rarely on time without a woman forcing them to get up and out of the door before a specific time. You meant no harm to Johnny but he didn’t seem like the kind of man to have someone doing that for him.

More often than not, he had dirt on his face and always seemed dirty. You would fix that, of course. You made sure to pack a small jar of water along with a handkerchief to make sure that he would get clean.

You looked around at the trees with a small smile on your face. Animals were casually running around and happily avoiding you as if their lives depended on it. Though, in hindsight, you were technically a danger to the animals mostly because humans killed them so often.

You noticed the Summit was quickly approaching within your line of vision and you quickened your pace so you could sit somewhere and wait for Johnny.

You entered the building and a shocked expression overtook your features as you tilted your head. Johnny was sitting on one of the benches and was pulling at something in his pocket. “Johnny?” You smiled as you realized he was early without you even having to ask him.

Johnny stood up and held a hand out for you as you gave him a grin. “I didn’t want to be late so I left a little earlier…” Johnny’s voice held that southern accent that made you smile. You had lived in the south your entire life but for majority of it, you lived in Utah so your accents were slightly different.

“That’s why I came early, too. Well, come on! We need to get into the shops before everyone else gets in.” You noticed the dirt had been wiped away but the grease in his hair was prevalent still.

You didn’t mind though as the two of you started walking together. “I… I’m sorry if I came off as overbearing last time. I never meant to come off like that.” You whispered out as you walked a little quicker just in case he didn’t react well to your words.

“You didn’t. I just wasn’t ready for it.” Johnny caught up with you and gave you the shyest smile you had ever seen.

“Oh… okay.” You pulled open the glass door, a smile present on your face as you walked into the building. You held the door open for Johnny with a grin on your face. You seen him pause for a moment before he walked into the store you wanted to go in. His eyes shifted from dress to dress without much thought behind his eyes.

“Oh, they still have it!” You smiled as you rushed to grab the dress that you originally wanted. You held the dress up and gave Johnny the most innocent smile he had ever seen in his life.

You skimmed through the sizes and chose yours, holding the dress under your arm as you waved an employee down. “Hi! I was wondering if you could let me into one of the dressing rooms?” You asked with a shy smile on your face.

The woman immediately nodded as the two of you began walking towards the dressing rooms. You peaked over your shoulder and saw Johnny was slowly following too. You would need to make sure he didn’t feel awkward after showing him the dress.

“My sister loves this dress. She actually cut the sleeves off because she thought it looked cuter and it really does!” The employee smiled at you and your eyes sparkled.

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I may have to do that before the summer months hit.” You laughed as the woman opened the dressing room door. She closed it after you and you looked at yourself in the mirror.

You were gorgeous.

You slipped out of the dress you were in and slid into the other dress with a smile on your face. The dress was beautiful on you and really made you look ten times better than you ever thought you would look. You always assumed the very worst of anything especially when it came to clothes.

You opened the door of the dressing room and gave Johnny a small smile as you showed him your dress. “I think it looks pretty on me. What about you?” You asked softly as you turned slightly to show him the back of the dress even though it was the same as the other countless dresses you had.

“It looks very beautiful on you.” Johnny gave you a small, breathless smile as he looked you up and down. You walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, hugging him as you decided you wanted to give him physical affection.

It wasn’t unnatural for you to want to give people hugs as that was your love language. You slowly let go of the man and went back into the dressing room with a smile on your face. You kissed Johnny’s cheek with the softest smile on your face. You let go of Johnny completely and backed away with your lipstick stains stuck on Johnny’s face.

You walked back into the dressing room and changed back into your other dress as you quickly wanted to make it back to Johnny on the other side of the door. “Hey, Johnny? Can you come in here?” You weren’t going to be undressed in front of Johnny as you had a shirt underneath the dress because you thought of every situation, including having Johnny help you.

Johnny slowly opened the door of the dressing room and came in before closing it with his foot. “What do you need help with?” Johnny asked quietly as he kept his eyes to the ground.

“Can you zip the dress up?” You turned around and smiled as you felt his hand make contact with the shirt on your back. You heard and felt the zipper get pulled up.

You turned around and you both exited the dressing room only for you to see one of your friends from the church standing in line. You grabbed Johnny’s hand and quickly scampered away from the dressing room so she wouldn’t tell your parents that the two of you were alone in the dressing room together.

You let go of Johnny’s hand and you both stood together in the line to pay. Now, you only wanted to get out of the store and the Summit in fear of your parents finding out that you were with a boy. Your parents knew that you had gone out with a man but they didn’t know who it was and you wanted to keep it that way. You didn’t want them to unnecessarily judge him for being less fortunate than your family.

“I was thinking that we could get something to eat afterwards?” You looked at Johnny with the biggest smile on your face.

“Yeah, if that’s what you want.” Johnny mumbled out as he kept his stare at the floor. You were slightly upset that he was so shy but then again, it still made you feel happy/giddy to know that he even wanted to spend time with you, anyways.

“That is what I want and I’ll pay for anything you want.” You smiled as the cashier suddenly caught your attention. You set your dress down on the counter and paid before leaving with Johnny.

You wanted to go to one of the higher end diners that you knew of but Johnny didn’t seem comfortable with the idea so you let him choose a place. He settled on a place that was in a rougher spot in town but nothing the two of you couldn’t get through. You knew that you would get something that would be easy on the stomach so that when you got home, you would also be able to eat supper with your family.

Johnny was standing in front of you with the door to the diner held open. You smiled at him as you felt a yawn creeping up from the back of your throat. You were so tired but knew that you had gotten enough sleep so being tired didn’t make much sense. “Oh, I’m so excited. I’ve never been here before.” You made a comment before realizing that could be taken in a different way. How would the upper middle class/wealthy girl ever end up in the bad part of town with everyone else? She wouldn’t unless she was with someone who knew the bad part of town.

You sat down at a booth and Johnny followed before you started talking. You were rambling on and on. Johnny allowed you to do so and didn’t bother to add anything into the conversation besides the occasional “yeah” or “okay”. You sheepishly smiled at him after rambling and he finally spoke, “do you want something to eat?” Johnny didn’t have a lot of money and he never thought he’d be in a situation where he would need it to make a girl feel like he genuinely likes her.

“Yeah but I’ll pay! I have more than enough money for the both of us. If you want, I can slip the money to you so you don’t feel embarrassed.” You gave Johnny a genuine smile as you leaned back against the booth seat. You grabbed the money from within your purse and nodded at Johnny to grab it from under the table. You didn’t want others to shame him even more for “making” the girl pay.

You cared deeply about societal norms and everything that came with it but you also knew that you wanted to have a lover before you became old and barren. You didn’t want to lose your ability to have children before you even had a chance to have a lover.

You watched as Johnny took the money from you with a frown on his face. You grabbed two menus from the holder on the back of the table and handed one to him. “Oh, I want a salad.” You smiled at Johnny with your cheeks turning a light shade of red. You didn’t want him to see you as anything other than an attractive woman. Anything else would be considered unfair to you as you always worked and tried to present yourself as a respectable and honest young woman.

“I want a hamburger…” Johnny’s voice had gotten more confident and you were proud of that. It must’ve meant that he was comfortable around you.

You nodded at him before speaking, “oh, I enjoy hamburgers but I love myself a nice salad.” You looked down at your stomach and Johnny watched as you subconsciously sunk down into the booth at the sight of your own stomach. You forced the frown off of your face and looked back up at Johnny.

“You know, I would love to go to the library soon. If you’d like, you can come with me…” you were nervous. You had never asked a man to go on a second date with you. That was when the realization hit you that this most likely wasn’t a date and he considered the two of you only friends. You played with your fingers under the table and cursed yourself slightly as you understood that caused it.

You let out a sigh as your thoughts started making you second guess everything. You liked Johnny but you felt almost as if you were using him. You decided then that you wanted to spend more time with Johnny.

You finally end wrapped your arms around yourself. You smiled at Johnny to make him less worried. You had noticed how his face fell slightly when you wrapped your arms around yourself and you felt guilty for being selfish. Everything was so awkward now that the two of you were alone with one another.

Soon enough, a waitress had stopped by y’all’s table to take your orders and you both gave your orders before you looked back at Johnny. “I’m sorry if this is awkward. I’ve tried to make everything less awkward but I feel like I’ve made it worse.” You laughed quietly and apologized softly.

You never wanted to make him uncomfortable and you felt that you had. “You didn’t! You… come off as a little strong but that’s fine.” You heard Johnny speak up, this time louder than any time before.

You leaned back in the seat and let out a sigh, knowing that you were going to go home and cry.

You were laying in bed with tears rolling down your cheeks. Your parents knew that you were out with Johnny and they knew that he had come into the dressing room with you. You were forced into your room and told that you wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a week and after that, you wouldn’t be allowed to see Johnny again.

You were glad that you ate before you came home and you knew that your mom would slip you snacks through the door when your father wasn’t looking. You were ashamed as you knew that everything you done was wrong. You not only hurt your parents but you angered God.

You had turned your back on the only thing that loved you for you. You felt yourself choke back another sob as you stared at the ceiling with tears rolling down your face. You grabbed a pillow and covered your face as you got off your bed. Your father was yelling downstairs and you knew the way to get your punishment over quickly.

You opened the door to your room and began walking down the stairs, understand that you would be in plenty of pain by the time it was all over. You understood that you deserved what your father was going to do to you and you were terrified. You didn’t want to be hurt but you also understood that you had to be hurt in one way or another.

It was the only way to receive God’s forgiveness for your sins.

Your feet hit the bottom of the stairs and you walked into the living room, looking at your parents. Your mom’s eyes widened and she immediately told you to go back to your room. You were sobbing again and your mom tried to reach you only for your father to physically throw her onto the couch.

Your father grabbed you by your shoulder and began forcing you towards the basement. It would only take five minutes, right? That was the usual time it took for you to finish all the punishments. You were silent throughout the ordeal as you knew that nothing you said would do anything. He would tell you to shut your mouth and you’d be punished longer than you would had you just kept your mouth shut.

You were forced onto the ground on top of a tarp-like surface that would catch any liquids that would fall during the interaction that was about to take place.

You didn’t want to fight back much as you had once before and your nose had been broken for it. You were embarrassed to admit that you stopped fighting back after that. On top of that though, God wouldn’t want you to fight back. He would want you to take whatever was given to you with grace.

You heard everything before you felt the physical pain from what you assumed to be your father’s belt.

You were close to sobbing by the third hit but your reminded yourself that you needed food. You could take quite a few hits before your body gave out but to go without eating for a week, it wasn’t something you wanted to do.

Soon enough, your father had left the basement and left you on the ground with tears in your eyes. You would never do this to your future children. Not even in the name of God.

It was too painful for you to even breath that second so why would you ever do something so heinous to someone else especially when it hurt you. You let out a silent sob as you slowly lifted yourself off of the floor. You looked at the ground and noticed the dark liquid that had formed from what happened. You gritted your teeth and began walking up the stairs, tears welling in your eyes as you struggled to walk up the stairs.

You opened the basement door and let out a choked sound before you almost slipped. You groaned as you weakly made your way to your room.

You almost let out a yell as you saw Johnny sitting on your bed with his eyes widening the second he saw you. “What happened to you?” He stood up and you closed your door quickly and slid your dresser in front of it.

You almost gave out as you covered your mouth to silence your scream. You sat down on your bed and shut your eyes tightly. Johnny put a hand on your thigh and gently tapped it as he watched your face change from one to pain to one of fear. “This is a sin.” You hissed out between clenched teeth.

“It’s not. You’re not a sinner because I touch you.” Johnny wrapped his arms around you and you let out another choked sob as you began to take your clothes off in front of Johnny.

“Help me…” your voice cracked as you begged him for help. You didn’t want to be physically hurt anymore. You couldn’t do it. “My father done this because we were in the dressing room together.” Johnny watched as you finished taking off your dress. You had since taken off the shirt underneath and Johnny was both in awe and disgust at the wounds. He’d never seen wounds so deep in a woman.

Johnny got up and begin searching your room, finding tape and an old shirt that seemed dirty. Johnny ripped the shirt and began gently tapping your wounds with it. “I’ll get you out of here. I fuckin’ promise to get you out of here.” He gave you a look of pure anger as you let out a whimper when he hit one of the wounds just right.

“Why do you got tape?” You whispered out as you tried to focus on anything and everything other than the fact that the boy you just got beat over was holding tape and cleaning your wounds.

“It’s nothin’. What’s your favorite book?” Johnny asked as he finished up with whatever he was doing.

You were already talking, hoping that you could somehow forget about the pain that came from each and every touch on your back.

“Edgar Allan Poe is my favorite author and I can’t choose between all of his books but I’d say The Raven is the best of them all.” You whispered out through gritted teeth. You finally felt Johnny gently pull your shirt down. You heard someone walking up the stairs and you immediately pushed Johnny into your closet.

Someone tried to open your door but was abruptly stopped by the dresser in front of it. “R/n? Baby, are you okay?” Your mom’s voice came through the door but you looked down at the ground.

“You said you’d talk to him about the no food thing.” Your voice cracked as you moved to sit down on your bed. You were… tired. That wasn’t the exact word for what you were feeling but it was oddly similar to what you were feeling. You thought that you wouldn’t ever grow tired of living the life that you were given but you had. The bruises were always painful and he never said sorry for all the physical and mental/emotional pain he caused both you and your mom.

Your mom had no reason to stay with him and she had no reason to fear him. She came from a wealthy family which is how your family even managed to stay in such an expensive house. Your father, a bank teller, didn’t make much and wouldn’t have been able to afford the home you lived in without your grandpa.

Your mom walked away from your room, the quietest of sobs leaving your mom. You felt terrible and felt like you were being too harsh on your poor mom. Your father “disciplined” her as well though her punishments were usually worse than yours and if she ever stood up against him for you, he would beat her until she was near death.

Johnny wanted to say something, anything but he couldn’t physically bring himself to speak. It was an awful feeling for the two of you as you sat silently in your room. You finally looked over at Johnny with a weird look on your face. “How did you get into my room?” Your voice sounded rough around the edges, breaking with every other word.

“I climbed the tree?” Johnny looked at you with a small blush coating his cheeks. You looked out your window and looked at the tree, looking back over at Johnny right after.

“I… didn’t know that was possible.” You heard Johnny stop all movement and you decided that you wanted to get sleep but you didn’t want to be alone. “I know we don’t really know each other but can you stay for a bit? My father won’t bother me for a few days and my mom will come by tomorrow afternoon.” You whispered out as you looked over at Johnny. Your nerves were absolutely on fire as you waited for his answer.

“Yeah, I can.” Johnny got off the bed and turned your light off after you asked him to stay, seeing the tiredness in your eyes. You blindly laid down on your bed and reached to grab the blanket on your bed. You were far too tired to fight with anything or anyone. You just wanted to get a few hours of sleep without being interrupted.

“I’m going to go to sleep. You can stay up and do whatever just be a little quiet because my parents will try to come in if you make too much noise.” You closed your eyes as you silently mumbled a prayer. You couldn’t clasp your hands together or get down on your knees as the pain was far too intense for you to move much.

All the adrenaline you had had disappeared by the time you settled back down into your bedroom. Johnny paused in front of you and your bed with hesitation creeping up. He didn’t want to get in bed with you in fear of you pulling away from him.

You moved over slowly and patted the bed beside you, understanding his fear of not wanting to be in bed with you. You felt the bed dip as he got in beside you and you wrapped your arms around one of your pillows and brought it down to your stomach.

You curled around it and closed your eyes as tightly as you could. Your parents wouldn’t come back to your room well into the next day and you were okay with that as you knew your mom would most likely try to make things “right” by bribing you with food or something else she knew you would enjoy.

Your father would only give you a dirty look, making sure you knew he and the men at the church all knew of your sins. Your mom would never gossip because she said that was one of the easiest sins to commit. Your father, on the other hand, loved to tell the other men about how he punished you. You had heard him go into detail about it and it made you feel upset.

Your cheeks was stained with the tears you shed earlier. You were slightly embarrassed to admit that you still cried over the things that happened. You were always told that you would grow out of being sensitive but with every passing day and birthday, you realized you wouldn’t. You still cried over the smallest of things and you couldn’t control the tears once they started. You felt that it wasn’t the biggest issue that you could have and yet, everyone else felt the opposite. They treated you differently based solely on the fact that you were a tad bit more sensitive than they were.

Your blanket was rapidly warming up as you kept it pinned tightly around you, feeling only the slightest bit of guilt for Johnny when you felt his body release a small shake. “Are you cold? Get under here with me.” You moved over and held the blanket up for Johnny to get in with you. You didn’t want to wait for very long so when he moved slower than you wanted, you blindly reached a hand out and pulled him into your bed with you.

His body hit your bed with a thump and you smiled as you turned to face the wall. You didn’t want to bother him or make him feel uncomfortable so you pushed yourself against the wall with an almost silent hiss as your back made full contact with something. You turned onto your stomach and closed your eyes with your body relaxing. You weren’t tired, not really but you needed more sleep especially after what happened.

“I’ll get you out of here. I swear to it.” Johnny whispered out from behind you into the silence of your bedroom.

You laughed quietly as you shook your head. “You can’t and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with what’s happening. This is God’s plan.” You shifted and let your foot slip out from under the blanket that shielded you from the outside world.

“This ain’t God’s plan. Man, if God wanted you to be hurt, wouldn’t he just do it himself?” Johnny asked you with a frown on his face. You couldn’t see it but you knew he wasn’t happy with you or the situation.

“I don’t know. God has people on Earth and he uses them to punish.” You responded only for Johnny to wrap an arm around you. He knew he needed comfort after being beat by his folks and assumed you would need/want that same comfort. You never did want that comfort mostly because the only people in your house was the ones who caused the pain in the first place. On top of that, the likelihood of your father stepping off of his high horse and trying to comfort you was almost as likely as seeing a unicorn.

It just wasn’t possible. He believed he was above you and your emotions which, in God’s eyes, he was. You weren’t supposed to complain as that was wrong too. Everything you had been doing as of late was wrong and you were ashamed to admit that you had willingly done most of it.

You felt the arm that was around you tighten around you more as your body shook with the silent sobs that left you. You had been so strong up until that point and now you couldn’t be strong. You were weak and would never live up to the person your parents seen when they looked at you. You were absolutely disgusting.

You closed your eyes and felt yourself drift off into a dreamless sleep.

You were woken up by someone shaking you gently. “You need to get up.” It was Johnny. He was trying to get you up and out of bed. “Come on. Both your parents left and you needa get up. We gotta go.” Johnny finally picked you up off of your bed and put your feet onto the floor of your bedroom.

“Johnny, we can’t leave? They’re my family.” You whispered out as Johnny started putting your things into a small bag.

“My folks are like yours. They ain’t worth nothin’ if they’re hittin’ you.” Johnny looked at you and gestured around. You started putting clothes into the bag before zipping it up and letting Johnny force your dresser from its place in front of your door.

Johnny intertwined your hands together and led you downstairs where the two of you left the house that you were raised in. It was unnerving and really made you feel terrible.

** One Year Later **

You put the notepad into the pocket of your apron. You were waiting for Johnny to come in so he could walk you back to your shared apartment with him. “Hey, baby!” You heard his voice as the bell above the glass door rung, telling you that someone had come in.

“Hi, lovely.” You pressed a kiss onto his cheek as you waved for him to sit at the counter. You were proud of both yourself and your lover. You made it out of whatever hell you had started in. You’d gotten yourself a psychiatrist/psychologist which you couldn’t remember which one it was but you were getting the help that you desperately need.

“Your shift was good?” Johnny asked as you poured some beer into a glass cup. You were the only one running the diner and Johnny would pay and tip you for pouring him a cup. You didn’t need that tip from him as the two of you shared finances but if you didn’t somehow, you would appreciate it.

“It was fine. I seen a man who looked very similar to my father earlier. Thought he’d finally come back to hurt me.” You set the glass in front of him. You leaned over the counter and pressed a kiss to Johnny’s cheek. You were feeling slightly relieved at the thought of your past life. You loved your parents more than anything but with the help of Johnny and a professional, you realized that God never wanted your father to beat you mercilessly.

You watched as Johnny took a sip of his beer. “We can afford for you to go to more of those sessions.” Johnny didn’t know much about your mental situation but he tried the best he could.

“Yeah, I know. He says I’m doing good for now. Says I’ve come a long way.” You walked around the counter and sat beside Johnny, laying your head on his shoulder. Your eyes were on the clock placed on the wall as you shook the thoughts from your head. “When you finish drinking that, we can leave. I’m closing tonight.” You stood up and watched as Johnny finished off the last of the beer.

He handed you the glass and you were quick to wash it. You were excited to go home and lay in bed with Johnny. You had never thought that you would be excited to just lay beside someone but once you and Johnny started to live the peaceful life, you were excited by the small things. You were looking forward to the future. To the days where you would get to see your future children running around.

You finished up with the cleaning and you began locking the diner up. “Oh, I’m so excited! I can’t wait to lay down and go to sleep.” You groaned out as you put the keys into your pocket. You would give them to Maryann in the morning when she came in. For now, you’d focus on the small family you had made for yourself that consisted of a healthier lifestyle, without the abuse.

Even if said abuse would haunt you for the rest of your life, you were at the very least, happy with yourself and the life you and Johnny had created.

#the outsiders #the outsiders x reader #Johnny Cade x reader #x female reader #Johnny Cade x female reader #The outsiders x female reader #Johnny Cade #The outsiders fanfic #the outsiders au #horror au #potentially triggering #horror

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wataksampingan · 2 months

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Very long Chapter 96 feelings/thoughts below cut coz I saved my hard-earned Naver cookies for this and I'm going to react while it's fresh dammit.

Spoilers in every possible way, as always.

Oh my God its their first official date and of course it doesn't go Theo's way at all coz he's fighting a lost cause against an author with a sense of humour I share. Thank God his people love him

Nearly 100 chapters later and only now do we start steering towards Therdeo "My angel" Lapileon from the prologue (which I still find it difficult to fathom; the road is long and arduous from Therdeo 'Face as Red as My Eyes' Lapileon we see right now)

I have yet to translate the dialogue properly, but that last panel of him honestly unnerves me (and judging from Google Translated comments in Korean, I'm not the only one.) I'm not really one for the kind of ML who is madly obsessive over their love interest to extremely difficult extents coz I'm too old and cynical to see this as a good thing in a relationship, fictional or otherwise (This is purely a personal preference; no judgement if that's your jam and jelly)

But the thing is that it makes sense. Of course Theo would get dangerous over the first woman he's fallen in love with. Of course he'd do anything to keep her now that, yknow, she's actually made her feelings known. After 90+ chapters of angsting, literally watching her die a few times in front of him, holding such huge feelings of guilt for what his blood has done to her, quietly despairing over keeping anyone close to him coz he's a Lapileon and they succumb so often to death -- this overwhelming fear of losing her is understandable. The idea of her leaving now must be intolerable, like "not after every damn thing I've been through. Everything we have been through. Over my cold dead body".

...I've had the thought quite a few times that seungu succeeded in convincing me that Theo is scary, and this chapter - while also very sweet - is really laying that fact out again in no uncertain terms: Therdeo Lapileon really shouldn't be messed with.

The thing is, meta-wise, there is no end to cold, stern dukes of the frozen North with fearsome reputations, black/dark hair and red/dark eyes - it's one of the most longstanding fantasy romance tropes in manhwa after all. Throw a stone and you'll hit a milord with a chest so wide you can fit a full dresser sideways between his shoulders and a face so stony Medusa is taking notes. And of course, his grace is going to have the reputation of Ultimate Warrior and Sovereign of His Land, Tamer of the Terrain, Reviver of the Barren Soil Now Made Fertile under His Leadership, because only such a powerful man with a heart of ice and terror would have the wherewithal to bend the unyielding north to his will. He isn't emperor/king simply because of circumstances (TM), character and/or choice.

To name just a few: Prince (...kinda? Sorta? Its a long story) Killian from Like Wind on a Dry Branch, Hades from I Married the Main Lead's Dad, Riftan from Under the Oak Tree, Kandel from I Thought My Time Was Up, Milian from Karina's Last Days; heck, even the other Killian from Not Your Typical Reincarnation Story is about to inherit a territory that isn't so great but which he will no doubt develop into a thriving land coz he's Capable that way. If you remove the hair and eye colour conditions, there are even more examples. 99% of them are said to strike fear into the hearts of men just by being mentioned in a room.

...ngl, putting my gigantic bias aside, Theo truly is among my top three scariest ML. Not even Killian (Rieta's) gives me pause the way Theo does, and I have immense respect and admiration for the way Like Wind on A Dry Branch is told (and translated). I know Killian is a powerful man; I feel Theo is threatening. (Brief aside here to acknowledge that Killian has game for days, while Theo is....... look, he's trying.)

Take this opinion with many grains of salt, but few MLs that I've seen so far (and admittedly my repertoire is probably very limited compared to others) has come close to the time Theo plain snapped during Celphi's bullying arc, and when he nearly decapitated a wholeass princess in front of the entire court because she killed his wife (again. And yes, justifiable but still, in front of the EMPEROR HIMSELF.)

Also, the man looked like THIS when the servant who poisoned her begged him to "go back to the princess":

I say this with all love: Theo is not a balanced individual.

We already know this is a world where medieval torture is par for the course, but so far it's been reserved for Gen, who tortured and experimented on a child, and this dude who's been an accessory to Dodolea's crimes since the beginning. Theo does not give a single fuck about trivial things like consequences when it comes to Celphi and Perry's wellbeing. The world will burn if it must, just so he can find out who hurt them.

I said before that Saoirse is a true Lapileon, and Theo was the softest hearted of the siblings. I still maintain it's true, but with the addendum that Theo isn't far off in ruthlessness. You just need to make the mistake of hurting his wife or his son.

Granted, the obsession is only a problem if he restricts Perry just because she's "His". And she's proven a few times that she will Do Shit She Wants regardless of the Lapileons, Princess Dodolea or even herself (god, the way she second guessed herself so hard, only to bust back into the room with those shackles and physically FIGHT MIA OFF in ch 92 - Phineas owes her impulsiveness his life literally). I don't think the story can logically progress that way unless Perry has some sort of personality transplant. And I trust seungu too much for that. The fear is in more what he'll do behind her back (please don't Theo, we've been through this, you know what happened the last time you did things without telling her first - and even if other things went well (like suppressing ugly false stories in publications) that doesn't guarantee you're doing the right thing by not keeping her informed, you walnut.

...yes I know she also has the same bad habit of Not Telling You Her Business but she's LEARNING. I think.)

...also, tbf, Theo doesn't need his obsession to make him a danger to his own love life. Romance or not, he's still Socially Awkward and Fucked Up so lord only knows how many awkward mistakes he's going to make trying to actively court his wife 🥲

Then again, it's not like she's any better considering her last serious relationship was so awful, she literally died and went back in time. I'm not surprised, and in fact quite glad, it took her this long to admit to her finer feelings. However, now this is slightly uncharted territory, and this woman bottles up her feelings and lies to herself just about as much as Theo does. (Why are you so bothered Mia spent so much time around him? Why are you so upset that you can't do more to help him? Why are you so worried whenever he's seemingly avoiding you? Why do you look away each time he gives you puppy dog eyes, Pereshati? HMMM? WHY INDEED)

And now they have to return to the capital with all these revelations, and be within reach of the imperial family again and I AM AFRAID FOR THEM, PRECIOUS, I TRULY AM.

On a completely different tangent: I am truly not a fan of the novel ending where Theo ends up being crowned emperor. So if this manhwa ends with the coronation of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Therdeo Lapileon and Her Imperial Majesty Empress Pereshati Jahardt, I will be heartbroken. Like, I would have the same reaction to it the way Game of Thrones fans reacted to Season 8. That's how bad I would take it. I hope to all things good seungu deviates from there as well. It feels like the romance is following the novel just a smidge more - a soupçon if you will - in this season, so I'm a little trepidatious about what other aspects might follow. I remain a big fan of how different the manhwa direction is, so... GO SEUNGU!! FOLLOW YOUR STAR!!

P/S: my train of thought while reading ch 90:

Seungu is just bringing all of Phineas' personal trauma in full technicolor when he flashes back to his younger self witnessing his parents fight while his older brother sustains a severe eye injury, oh my god. This poor boy - no wonder he wanted to run so badly.

Oh god, Gloria having to try and save her children from this insane man.

Okay, so this cements that it was Theo's grandfather who was tyrannical as fuck and abused everyone including his youngest grandson? not Theo's father who also looks like he was just Trying His Best? But Gen's dialogue mentions "abeoji" (father)? Did Phineas' older brother neglect his kids or grow up into another abuser??? oh GOD THIS FAMILY

PPS: I cannot WAIT to see how the English translators handle that panel in ch95 when he finally finds enough braincells to return her embrace (that's not just any hug, cmon - that's a full on, no holds barred, literary Embrace)

I'm fairly sure she said "It's/I'm cold", but I also got overexcited because I thought she said "I like you" (???) It's easy to overlap/overhear either phrase as each other coz they sound fairly similar if you say it quickly (same energy like saying "suki" in Japanese but you need context to know if they mean they like a person or something else entirely).

Either way, it was definitely NOT "saranghae", which let's face it, IS FAR TOO DEEP for where they are right now. These two doofuses have only just begun to find out what their feelings mean, tho Theo may be too quick a study , eomma help.

PPPS: Ep 87 comes out in English tomorrow morning (for us in GMT+8 anyway) AND I WILL HAVE WORDS ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION, VJFHDJSKSKSL I CANNOT WAIT

PPPPS: it just occurred to me that all the examples I mentioned about the other comparable dukes of the North have more or less Definitively gotten together with their love interests, emotionally and/or physically. I mean if someone came up with a gantt chart/comparative timeline/line graph of when each duke finally kissed/tumbled into bed with their love interests to prove me wrong/right, that'd be fantastic but anyway

Theo has only just hugged her in ch 95.

They have shared a bed for over 90 chapters and it is ONLY JUST NOW that there is prolonged bodily contact apart from holding (often gloved) hands.

...I keep saying this because it's true: I love this slow burn so much.

#MILAOWM #my in laws are obsessed with me #my in-laws are obsessed with me #spoilers #so spoilers up in here #spoilers every which way everywhere all the time

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lesharl-eclair · 8 months

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ferwis fic recs

25,288 fics in f1 rpf and only 75 ferwis fics. truly a rarepair for the ages.

this is a list of *the* literature to read if you are even vaguely intrigued by the premise :) (i am also aware that the 5 people this will appeal to have probably already devoured all of these fics end to end many many times) (but it's ok!! right??? righ t ????)

all fics below the cut; if you enjoyed these fics, please show the authors comment and kudo love; should you be the author of a fic that's here, and don't want to be here, please reach out to me and your wish is my command :)

Amen by sirius (M, 9.1k)

Spygate. Reimagined. With sex.

& (Amen) by sirius (M, 6.6k)

Retirement. Reimagined. With sex.

OK so this is basically what i think about every waking hour. every single minute. Amen was written 2 0 1 5 and it's so damn incredible i have only found a few other pieces that match it in terms of voicing and structure and literary genius. the toxicity is left to ferment and it is gorgeous. literally ahead of its time. look:

"Old Testament, he thinks. Fernando is an Old Testament God, piled high with fury and jealousy and fire and brimstone and needing someone to beg mercy just so that he can refuse them.

A god so good that there's nobody else you'd need to worship."

THIS IN 2015. so so so incredible.

the sequel (?) is even richer, more nuanced, more developed. lewis and loyalty and fernando and lots and lots of questioning. the author has the voices down to a tee in both pieces and the dialogue especially is mindblowing. i come back to this so often because it's their story, and it's told so richly and lavishly.

***

In Search of the Traveling Nude by Anonymous (M, 4.5k)

Fernando didn't like sharing. He was not going to let a nude of Lewis get out of his grasp when he'd spent millions on the first three. If that means threatening someone and traveling for most of his winter break in search of it, so be it. Unfortunately for him, Lewis's final nude has to go through many people before he can finally get it.

kinkmeme prompt fill. possessive fernando alonso is a story for the ages. look:

"Fernando was a selfish man. He didn’t like others having what was his.

And Lewis, inexplicably – even if Lewis didn’t know himself – was his."

it's not a stretch to imagine this premise, every single detail is so well-imagined and the people nando meets (?!), all the nuances in dynamics etc are handled with so much love and care. valtteri and seb is just perfection. lewis is also the most oblivious person to walk planet earth and i am living for it.

***

The Thirst Trap Curse by @seafoampearlygirl (no warnings, 1.9k)

Fernando realises the power of thirst traps in vanquishing his enemies, but the magic doesn't work quite the way he planned.

this fic is so so dear to me because it hooked me on nando fics. this verges on crackfic (actually it is, what am i talking about) and it is delightful. a tasty, unhinged little morsel. the title does the talking here i think!! but i just want to say that every single scene is so unexpectedly rich. there's so much packed into so little, so you get pleasant little surprises at every turn. also look at this dialogue. lOOK.

"Lewis was silent for a moment. Then he said 'How many thirst traps are we talking?'

'Thirty-five.'

'THIRTY-FIVE??' Lewis turned to Fernando, outraged. Fernando was impassive. "Man, I only have two nipples. They're not that exciting."

'They could be. I have some ideas.'"

***

it's more than i can bear: this interminable want, turning and turning. by Anonymous (m, 2k)

George laughs. It's an ugly sound. When Fernando looks over, his eyes are dry. “Were,” he says. “You were the exception.”

kinkmeme prompt fill. we close off this list with a fic that gives me chills every single time i read it. it's not even ferwis. just ferwis as a concept, and yet. i literally don't know how to coherently respond to this still. the last line still makes me fall apart every time i read it.

fernando and george, and the concept of lewis. and mind games. so much within 2k words that it's devastating to read.

***

if you enjoyed this, or if i missed any fic, let me know in the tags :) drop me an ask mayhaps if you would like more fic recs for any ship, and i will try my best to give timely unqualified opinions <3

#formula 1 #f1 #fernando alonso #lewis hamilton #george russell #ferwis #claire rambles #claire's fic recs

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chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter · 3 months

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Look at how my tears ricochet.

(or the unoverse fic)

(part 2)

(the MuSan is less subtle and more tragic because hell yeah, but it still could be seen as platonic since the plot is focus on the angst and not on the romance at all)

(also some background HanKisa if you squint it)

(link to ao3, in case someone prefers to read it there)

Introduction and Part 1 here. Read it before for this to make sense!

I want to dedicate this chapter to @souyaddiction because your post of this morning gave me the hype to finally sit down and end it because it was half-done for more than a month. So thanks, really. your words meant a lot! (and for the rest of you, don't hesitate to comment on the fics you like, it will make an author so damn happy 💜)

Also, a song for this chapter, courtesy of @just-sp-in-inginthevoid and their amazing Sanzu playlist!

Warnings: Angst and hurt/no comfort. Sanzu is having another mental breakdown (once for chapter, seems like a good ratio I guess?🤔). Mental health issues and a lot of self-hate because lil gremlin is not having a good time. I promise the ending will be bittersweet and have some hope on it (but not for Sanzu, sorry blorbo!)

MANGA SPOILERS! (Sanzu's mind it's a big manga spoiler)

Notes: Okay, I know I said it would change POV between Kisaki and Sanzu, but I don't know how to write Kisaki, his mind is a total mystery for me. So...this is Sanzu's POV again because thank god he's a stalker and I could fit all the plot just with his point of view. I don't feel too confident with the part of Kisaki's dialogue, but I did my best, I hope he doesn't sound OoC! (also, the thought on Kisaki and Hanma belong to Sanzu, not me, I love my HanKisa weirdos)

Next chapter will be the last one, yuhuuuu! Stay tunned 💜

'This are his intrusive thoughts' and 'This are his regular thoughts'! I was trying to show how broken his mind already is and this seemed like the best way in my head of showing it, I hope it makes sense :)

Also, I did that game with the names again because I love it. I used "Haruchiyo" when he feels more vulnerable, more emotional. And "Sanzu" when he's trying to hide this vulnerability or more close to the edge, to becoming that deranged Sanzu that we saw in Kanto Manji and Bonten.

(Same for "Mucho" and "Muto", since is Sanzu's pov the first one is used in more affectionate moments)

(English is not my first language, so be nice please 🙈)

To be honest, Sanzu is bored. He's plan was pretty simple: following Kisaki around until he discovers something he can use. It's also really easy to do it, at least for him. He's too used to being a shadow, to not being looked twice. Something that used to be painful but plays in his favor when he needs to spy on someone. 'Sure, keep lying to yourself, you love being nothing more than a mere shadow for everyone. Always so easy to ignore.'

After more than two weeks of doing this, the most interesting thing that happened was when Kisaki managed to make Hanma a new captain in Toman, pulling off an alliance that apparently impressed some of the other captains. Haruchiyo felt a punch in his gut at this, as if this decision was the same as spitting on Baji's memory. But he shut up, even if he couldn't understand why Mikey did this, at the end of the day, who was he to question the king's decisions?

If Mikey had asked Sanzu about this, he would've said it was a terrible idea. But he didn't, no one asked him, so he just kept his opinion for himself. 'No one ever asks you anything that actually matters, right? Because they don't trust you.' 'That's not true, Baji trusted me. That's why I'm doing this, I can't let him down.'

His own thoughts are starting to go out of control (again) and Sanzu is sure that the cause is this tedium. 'Do something, fucker! Plan a murder, plot some evil shit or whatever!' But no, Kisaki just keeps doing the same routine almost every freaking day (at least that allows him to still keep an eye on Mikey, since Kisaki actually goes to class, that bastard it's so boring). He tries to distract himself wondering why on Earth Hanma looks so amused around the boy with glasses, like he was in some kind of circus. 'What a freak, he genuinely likes spending time with that fucker'.

To be honest, Sanzu actually learned some important things spying on Kisaki. Like how he never locks his window at night, giving Hanma the freedom to sneak in and out of his room. The scarred boy felt like Christmas came earlier the day he discovered that, a maniacal grin under his mask.

He also learned that Kisaki was panicking after the stunt that Baji pulled on him. Haruchiyo loves knowing that Baji left such a big mark, a force of nature until the very end. But that's not all, Kisaki is scared. He doesn't want to deal with another one of Mikey's childhood friends wreaking havoc on his plans. So, apparently, Sanzu is next in line.

Not that Sanzu is complaining (at all). It makes his job easier, actually. No need to be worried about collateral damage if he's the target. The only thing he has to do, is discovering how Kisaki is going to try to put him out of the picture. Once he knows, he'll find a way to mess with that plan and kill the bastard. No middle points, he's not going to risk it (Baji is already dead, he can't risk it).

'Maybe his plan is killing me from boredom. And it's working.' He almost laughs out loud with this thought, but Hanma and Kisaki are close now, he has to keep it quite. Shrinking himself further into the shadows of the alley, Sanzu tries to sharpen his hearing.

“You've been talking for ages about how you're going to take down the 5th Division vice-captain, but you still didn't tell me exactly how. C'mon Kisaki, don't be mean, you know my curiosity is piqued!”

Hanma speaks so loud that it's quite easy to hear, always acting like he was on a theater. Unfortunately, the other boy is more cautious, so he's unable to grasp everything.

“...Toman's traitor. He'll be the key... he should arrive in a few minutes. Be a good pawn and stop whining.”

The taller boy grins at that, but Sanzu is not really paying attention to their weird dynamic anymore, his efforts are finally paying off. And it's better than he imagined, he's going to be able to uncover a traitor in Toman!

If it weren't for the fact that he's being sneaky, Sanzu would jump from excitement right now. Obviously, it would be much better if there wasn't a snake within the gang, but one of the many things he learned from his captain, is that there is always going to be scabs. That's why the task of the 5th Division is to purge them.

So yes, maybe Sanzu shouldn't be this happy about this. 'You definitely shouldn't, are you glad of having to kill someone else?' He ignores his stupid brain, because he knows that's not it. He isn't glad with the idea of having to do that. He doesn't want to become a murderer, he just wants to protect Mikey. And he's willing to pay the cost.

But that's not it. Not all, at least. He's about to find a traitor all on his own, without any type of help (well, with Baji's help to be fair). Haruchiyo is going to prove his value to his captain, he's going to show how useful he can be. He's sure that Mucho will look at him with a delighted smile on his face, that he'll compliment his skills and his hard work.

Yes, that's it. He'll protect Mikey, he'll honor Baji's last will and he'll make his captain proud of him. Mucho will see that he's more than a wild animal that needed to be tamed. His captain will see that he's worthy, he's certain of it. And Haruchiyo will finally be able to believe it, to feel like more than just a nuisance. 'Are you really worthy?' 'Yes, I am. I'm going to be after this.'

The minutes seem to be passing slower until, finally, the three boys catch the sound of someone approaching them. Sanzu makes sure again they can't see him, trying to be one with the darkness that surrounds him. Until the person arrives and he almost stumbles against the wall from the shock. What is his captain doing here? 'Maybe he knows? Maybe he discovered what this two were planning. Yeah, it has to be that!'

He feels a excitement through his body at the idea that they can take Kisaki down together. Like it should be. But something inside his brain is telling him to wait, to evaluate the situation before. 'You say it yourself, you can't risk it. Are you gonna bet Mikey's life on Muto?' Sanzu shakes his head and decides to listen. 'Just in case, right?'

The 5th division captain stamps Kisaki against the wall, fury flowing on his eyes, keeping Hanma away with the other hand.

“What makes you think you have any right to call me here, Kisaki?” The voice is calm but harsh at the same time.

The boy with glasses just laugh and puts his hands up, showing a false submission and calming his lap dog with a gesture.

“Calm down, Muto, I just wanted a few words with you. We have a friend in common, don't we?”

Sanzu ears perk up with this, unsure of what he should think of that. But his captain seems to understand, because he loosens his grip, allowing the bastard to be free.

“Izana.” Muto only grumbles one word, but it's enough for Kisaki to show a satisfied smile on his hideous face.

“I knew we could understand each other. Now that we clear out the issue of your loyalty, there something... Some one, in the middle of the way to crush Mikey like Izana wants, isn't it?”

Muto just clenches his fits, his knuckles getting almost white. But he doesn't deny the words, he doesn't deny that he is... A traitor? 'No, he can't be. No. No' 'Are you sure? He looks like one. Still happy about it?' 'Shut up, he can't be. He can't.'

“Would you kill for Izana, Muto?” Kisaki's voice feels like a poison, rotting away everything Haruchiyo used to know about his captain.

“What do you want exactly? I don't have time for your little games, go to the point.”

“Sanzu. Your vice-captain is too close to Mikey, knows to much. He could jeopardize Izana's plans to isolate Mikey. Sanzu must go, is that simple.”

A fist punches the wall, right next to Kisaki's face. The boy flinches for a second, but keep his composure.

“That simple? No. I know Sanzu, he's loyal to me, he isn't going to do shit without orders.”

The scarred boy wants to laugh at the irony, they both thought they knew each other so well, didn't they? And they were both wrong. So, so wrong.

“Oh, really? Do you think Sanzu would still follow you around once you betray Mikey?” His voice gives off a false sweetness. “After what you saw in that funeral?”

Muto just purses his lips at that, almost like it the first time he has to confront this fact. That he can't have everything.

“I see you understand now. Don't worry, I'm merciful, I'll let you a few days to think about it.”

This are the last words that Haruchiyo is able to comprehend, his mind, his whole world, seems to be spinning out of control. He tries to stabilize his own body leaning against the wall, feeling too dizzy, ends up slipping to the ground. He's shaking, not realizing how much time has passed, but the others are no longer in his sight anymore.

Taking off his mask, he throws up, feeling sick. 'This is too much, this can't be...Mucho... I trusted him.' 'Did you? You kept so many secrets from him, didn't you?' 'Because I promised to Shinichiro, that's different!'

Haruchiyo just wants to scream, to bang his head against the wall, to disappear swallowed by the shadows of the alley. He can't even go back home. 'What home? The one you share with that damn impostor?' But he should, he should pull himself together or he'll compromise his plan.

A pair of dark eyes come to his mind, a reminder of why he's doing all of this. 'Mikey. I can't fail him. He's the only one that matters, Muto can burn in hell.' 'Are you going to be the one sending him there? Can you really do that? After everything he gave you?'

Sanzu steadies his own breathe, trying to focus on his mission, on what he knows it's the right thing to do. He's finally able to start walking, the breeze of the night helping him to come back to reality. 'Yes, I can do it. The only thing he gave me was lies, it means nothing. It never meant anything, anyway.'

He can hear that annoying voice inside his brain laughing at him and oh, he hates it so much, he hates his own brain so fucking much. 'That's it, then? You'll just keep the lies going on, use him to get to Kisaki and kill them both?' 'Yes.' 'And how far will you go with your lies? Are you going to snuggle against him in bed tonight? To ask him for affection like a desperate puppy like you always do?'

He stops on his track at that, unsure of how to handle it, if he'll be able to pretend like this tonight. Maybe he doesn't need to, it wouldn't be the first time that he spends the night out, his captain never asked too much questions before. That's it, he can just sleep in one of his old hidings and think carefully about how to get rid of those two bastards. Face Muto tomorrow, prepare himself before.

'I'm going to use that fucking betrayer to get to Kisaki, they'll regret trying to stab Mikey's back. I'm going to make sure of that.' Sanzu smirks cruelly with this thought, savoring the idea. The punishment. He'll be the one imparting justice in the king's name. And he'll enjoy it, it doesn't matter who receives the penalty. They should've known better. His captain should've known better. 'You should've known better than trust him too.'

When the morning comes, Muto is not in their small apartment. He seems to just left, most of his things aren't there. A shoji board and and old leather jacket that Haruchiyo used to steal from him seem to be the only important possessions his captain left behind. 'Coward, he's a damn coward.'

Sanzu is burning in rage, a renewed feeling of betrayal growing inside of him, staining and corrupting his already broken mind. 'What are you going to do now? You were too weak to face him when you had the chance and he ran away. You failed. Again.' 'No, I didn't, I still know how to get to Kisaki. No more waiting.'

The place feels suffocating without Muto's calm presence, but it doesn't matter, he knows exactly what he needs to take from his own room.

In the middle of the night, a silent shadow climbs until he's manages to sneak through the unlocked window. Stepping inside, he waits until his eyes get used to the darkness of the room.

“Hanma?” A sleepy voice asks with a not-so-subtle insecurity lingering in it.

“Wrong answer, fucker.” Sanzu snickers, before slamming Kisaki's head with the hilt of his katana, knocking the boy unconscious.

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snurtle · 23 days

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Nine people you'd like to get to know better! Weheheh.

Tagged by @criminal-sen I haven't done tag games in a while.

Last song i listened to: (squints) Uh. Dark ambient fantasy music for writers 10 hrs-- Fantasy tavern music for writers 3 hrs--- uh, uh, oh- shit- (i fumble the playlist and a bunch of videogame osts wearing tiny .mp3 trenchcoats go spinning out all over the floor. fuck. i'm not normally like this i swear. (i'm lying. i am. i love ambient music. and ska. shhh)

Favorite color: pink. there is no contest i'm sorry to say, pink is my shit. I would live in a cotton candy cave if I could. I am constantly one good decision away from animorphing into a fat, hot pink ceramic garden gnome in a wizard robe.

Currently watching: nothing atm, though I did recently start talking to a fanfiction author that I loved the work of. Turns out he's a writer too, and he gave me free copies of like ten????? of his sci-fi books?? full ass e-books??? damn. god damn. so nothing to watch, but E V E R Y T H I N G to read. I'll leave reviews as I finish them.

Sweet/savory/spicy: no. salty. sour. where are the real options!!! inquiring minds need to know!

Relationship status: uhhhhh idk ask @archvillain

Current obsession: sad evil men who are convinced they're doing the right thing at a high cost, not committing atrocities and burning the world. also DRAGON AGE. This fucking franchise. It's eating my life. I started systematically combing The Masked Empire for every instance where Felassan is mentioned or has dialogue for fanfiction research purposes. Truly the actions of a mentally well man. I'm hyped-against-all-hope for the release of the fourth game in the series, Dreadwolf. Apparently it's slated for this summer? I won't hold my breath... and yet.

I also enjoy chewing violently on mad scientists, though that interest has been dormant as of late (<3 Mayuri Kurotsuchi <3) .

I'll tag...

@accidental-hero obligatory tag in ask games. I KNOW you but shhh. Just tell me what you're up to.

@archvillain do i know you? yeah i want to know you better wawawaa @recurring-polynya I've missed your houseplant updates as of late! I started gardening in earnest again this spring and thought about you. @whipplefilter I was torn on whether or not to tag B3 here!! :D Either way your presence is always a fun bright spot on tungle dot hell. @kurjakani Your haunted-eyed old men and love of vast lonely spaces is deeply compelling. That's pretty cool!

And... whoever would like to play!

#as soon as i start thinking about who to tag my brain goes blank #if i didn't tag you by url just know that. <3 you are invited <3 #i just have a brain made of rotten cantaloupe <3 #tag games #text it

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sunflowersteves · 1 year

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I did a lot of reflecting with myself and my very wonderful and lovely mutuals on an anon I received about confusion on my fic.

And I just wanna say, first, that my response was a very nice one, and also me defending some of the choices that I made (again, v nicely). But I realized after thinking about it that the reason I responded in the first place was that I felt as though it was my fault. The entire tone of the ask felt extremely accusatory, and not once asked kindly for any help.

No author should be torn down and ridiculed from your own confusion. Even if we look past the blatantly rude and entitled tone, the anon didn’t say hi, didn’t ask for any clarification, didn’t point to any specific passages or quotes, and didn’t ask if they could send me a dm. They didn’t give me anything to work with.

They just ridiculed me. They asked if I was serious—if I could “get things straight.” They told me every single issue they had rather than actually engaging with me on any confusion.

I have no problems if someone is confused about dialogue or plot or character decisions and asks, kindly, for clarification. Please, understand that. I encourage you, very much so, that if you are confused, please let me know. I will gladly help, and I have in the past.

And! I have no problems if you don’t like the choices I make regarding the plot points of my fic. that’s okay! You don’t have to. You’re not obligated to enjoy every single fic you read.

But when you tear my fic, limb from limb, and make me feel extremely discouraged, to the point where I thought any and all problems were my fault when it was yours? Especially as the pieces they complained about are in the warnings. All of them. Yeah, that’s not okay.

Here’s a bullet point list of some of the “confusion” they had and how I know their ask in my ask box was bullshit:

Joel was mean (in the warnings)

Joel is jealous (in the warnings and the literal plot of the series)

reader gets mad at Joel, Joel gets mad at reader (in the warnings)

smut after a six-week coma/hygiene (we’re literally talking about a post-apocalyptic reality, and others have confirmed with me that the reader is heavily implied to be bathed)

Joel is jealous (referenced again; THE PLOT & IN WARNINGS)

Ellie is two doors down from the smut happening (she is not, use context clues)

My point in responding and breaking down their “confusion” is to point out two things.

One? Read the warning tags. For the love of god, read the warnings all the way through. I promise you, you will not only understand more about the fic but you also won’t be surprised by anything.

Two? Please don’t do this to writers on this app OR anywhere at all. This is not how you ask for help when you need it. This is an extremely rude, arrogant, and entitled way of telling a writer you’re “confused.” I seriously doubt you would tell a writer this irl, in my opinion.

If you actually want authors, especially on this app, to engage with you, write the fics you want them to write, etc., DONT ACT LIKE THIS.

But also, it’s my fanfiction. It’s my writing. Every ridicule they placed on my fic was given to me as if my particular plot points were awful, and it felt as though they were insinuating that I should change them.

And you know what? I’m 21. I’m a college student. I’m still learning to write because it’s a skill. And that’s okay! It’s okay when fanfics lack clarity or have rough grammar. It’s okay if the plot doesn’t make entirely a lot of sense. It’s okay!

Now, I’m so happy to have grown from that experience, as well as have an amazing support group of people on this app. So, I will continue to be writing the series. I will continue to be writing for that character. I’m not changing a damn thing in my fic for clarification.

Again, I want to thank my mutuals for yanking me back up and helping me understand the depths of the ask they sent me. And big, big thanks to @honeystevie for helping me see that because without her initial reply, I’m sure I would’ve been in a very large discouraged writing hole. love you, rika <3

tagging some wonderful mutuals as a thanks and I’m giving a big hug: @moonlight-prose @cocoamoonmalfoy @tarrenterror25 @themarcusmoreno @fleurfairie @indouloureux @ghostofskywalker @iraot @dearest-readers @fxllfaiiry @fluffyprettykitty @targaryenvampireslayer @galatially @navybrat817 @rae-gar-targaryen @saradika

#vic's coffee talks♡༉#fanfiction writers #writers on tumblr #joel miller

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sundaeserenade · 10 months

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idk man since ao3 is still down i think we should all just talk about how fanfic makes us feel and why it's so important, i'll start:

despite all of the bullshit that comes with it, writing is the MOST FUN thing i've ever done and i LOVE doing it. and honestly, fuck the numbers and metrics, knowing how or why or when people read my stuff is the most amazing thing.

GOD!!! AND CHARACTERIZATION!!! when people compliment me on my characterization i cry, because i try so HARD!!! AND IT'S NOT FOR YOU! it's for me, i want them to be in character. i want them to be fully fleshed, three dimensional, someone with feelings and wants that you can understand.

and it's so good to read fic like idc man. reading fic and watching someone improve? one of the best feelings in the world. another writer nailing an emotion or scene transition or dialogue? GOD!! I LOVE IT WHEN DIALOGUE IS ON POINT!!! NOTHING GETS ME MORE EXCITED!!

and the pacing?? of a fic, hot damn if it's well paced, i'm in it to win it. and PLOT LINESSSS, plots are so hard....good job other writers, because i can't fucking do it LMFAO

i admire the FUCK out of writers that like can tackle different personalities and characters. i'm often just writing the same kinds of characters, but other people out here writing ten different people perfectly TEACH ME your ways, please.

and sweet apple pies, when the punctuation and grammar is on point? know that i'm taking your hand, author, and kissing it. thank you, bless.

im a sucker for titles that don't make any damn sense like WHAT are you talking about, that title had nothing to do with the content of the fic, but go off you little fucker GO OFF!! if it only makes sense to you or it felt right, then let's fucking GO

good summaries? oh holy fuck, do i love good summaries. i love short and sweet ones, but damn do i love it when i read one that's like the back of a novel. like!!! YES!!!

#ao3 positivity train #let's fucking go #GOD I LOVE WRITING SO MUCH #AND I LOVE READING TOO

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ineadhyn · 1 month

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Writer interview

@vixstarria tagged me and I finally get to do it! Thank you <3

I am tagging @sky-kiss @scuttlingcrab and @thedomesticanthropologist

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 and some are multi-chapter. All are BG3 except for a german Inkheart one

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

85.408 -that is a surprising amount of words for being active less than a year

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

His consort, his god - I finally wrote smut for a popular ship XD (bloodweave)

At her mercy - kinky sapphic Karlach x Durge smut

Natures most beloved treasure - Halsin x trans masc Tav smut

Direct from Hell Logistics - ongoing Raphael x Haarlep comedy/angst/smut/plot - this one has it all

A song of snow and embers and Copper Hearts share this place. one is a F/F/F/F foursome and the other my Astarion x male Tav longfic

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I appreciate every single comment and try to show that. There's nothing better than the e-mail that says "comment on your work" and it can make my whole day. Sometimes I don't know what to respond if it's just a word or a keybord smash, but rest assured I see you and I love every one of those, too.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Angsty ending hmmmm. Because some of my stuff is not completed yet I am not gonna spoil anything but Dust and ash about Astarion's backstory was naturally quite angsty

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Not. gonna. spoil XD

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not yet. Maybe I could count Copper hearts because I took Francys from my original work and planted him into Bg3

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, not yet.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do. I am exploring all kinds atm with preferably queer pairings wlw or mlm or nb. I can also write mlw from the men's perspective but not the other way round :D

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Boy I wish.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No and I am not sure if I could commit to a project like that.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Hmmmmm ... Raphlep probably

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

My german Inkheart fic with a genderbent lesbian Basta. Damn I was invested in creating this character, but gave up after a while because it was a lot of work and it being german and a niche topic in a small fandom was not very rewarding tbh. I know I should not care and maybe I'll come back to it when the Inkheart obsession comes over me again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I am good at setting the scene. Atmosphere and small mundane details that make the setting feel alive. I have always liked that in reading as in writing, because it makes you feel like you are actually there when you can hear and smell and taste the scene.

Also I am okay at developing coherent plot, but that's mainly practice from writing a lot of og work before I started with fics.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I still struggle with english grammar and punctuation at times so I always have a beta reader. And I am lucky to have great ones.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I am not a fan. It confuses me. Singular phrases and such yes, but not entire dialogue. Especially if it's german in an english fic I get super confused.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

*digs through her files* So, my first works were basically fic for my best friend's story. (I was in my early teens.) But since she was the author the lines between canon and fic are blurry and the "fandom" consisted of three people of which one was the author XD

So if we don't count that the first one would be Hunger Games - It was one chapter and I never published it

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

We'll see what posesses me next I guess, though I think Bg3 will stay with me for a considerable amount of time. And ship wise ... I feel Durgetash creeping up on me.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Definitely Direct from Hell Logistics. I am having so much fun with it. It constantly makes me laugh and sheme and I also feel all the angst. Also it is ongoing and I get to explore the story alongside the readers (though I have a rough plot structure to keep me on track).

#bg3 #raphael fic #astarion fic #ao3 writer #bg3 fanfiction #my writing

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clockworkspider · 1 year

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So I've written over 100 fanfics by now and probably read at least 20 times more than that and for better or worse, I'm one of those people who has an unhealthy obsession with characters being "IC". It's a sickness, really.

But to me, there are 3 parts of writing a character very IC in a fanfic.

The character voice.

Getting the MO, the key motivation and characterization

Whether you can actually empathize with the character, if they're your "muse"

1. The Voice

The character voice is how the character talk and behaves and their general narrative tone. It's the first impression of "does this feel like them". If you're writing from the POV of a very rough-around-the-edges character and you write in a very romantic, wordy style, it'll feel off. If you get this part wrong people gets immediately thrown off, if you get the tone right you can be completely wrong about the characterization but your fic could still feel convincing enough.

If I have the character voice and nothing else, I can write the character as background character/plot device, but I can't get anything interesting out of them. They're a puppet I can make say words I want them to say, in their voice.

2. MO

If I get the MO/characterization, I can now predict what they'd do in any situation. I can now dissect their thoughts and write very long metas on them on tumblr dot com. A lot of times I only get this from the character but not their voice, which means I can't actually write them into stories no matter how much I love them. Sometimes you see this in fics where it's like... damn you dove right into the core issues of this character and you clearly understand them very well but by the gods they would not fucking say that, not this way.

If I get both the MO and the voice, then I can write the character as a side-character in a fic. They'll behave/act like they do in canon and people can say it feels like this is something right out of canon, but without the third part I can't evolve them beyond where they are canonically. If I can get both 1+2 I can write the character as a POV character, but have the focus on someone else.

3. Empathy/Muse

So the empathy bit is... a bit like magic for me. I still don't know how to force it, I wish I could. This determines on whether I'm actually inspired to write for the character. SOMETIMES MY OCs DON'T EVEN GET HERE AND I MADE THEM. If I can fully empathize with a character they feel alive to me and they write themselves. I normally have to fix their voice a bit cause I have a writing/talking style, but they're alive and I can grow them a bit while adhering to their canonical MO. This is the character that can pull the fic forward, lead the conversation in a dialogue, etc.

Sometimes authors have this point, but not 1 or 2, that's how you get really OOC fics where the author does some wild projection. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. I can't personally enjoy it, tho.

idk the process for other people but that's how I process if a character is "IC" or not while writing and while reading.

#writing #fanfiction #clockrant

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moonsheen · 3 months

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fic writer meme

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 112. And thank god that doesn't include the REAL old stuff.

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? 552,904 ...that's...both more and less than I was expecting

3. what fandoms do you write for?

...a...lot. Most recently? MDZS/SVSSS, Trigun (er, sorry for the weird stuff), and 13 Sentinels (PLAY 13 SENTINELS). Long term oldies but goodies? Kingdom Hearts, Devil May Cry, Overwatch, Supergiant games, Evangelion

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Recovery (SVSS, Qijiu --woah, that one pulled ahead in the last few months) Husband x Husband (Hunter x Hunter -- I did this as a yuletide treat to make up for defaulting one year and it's the gift that keeps giving) Minor Delays (SVSS, Qijiu -- wait really?) The Way Back Home (SVSS, Qijiu -- ....Qijiu nation represent. This one doesn't surprise me though, Chira did an amazing comic for it) Hold the Baby (MDZS -- okay this one was just where I was dumping the old twitter threads of a VERY specific Xiyao fix-it AU but you know what, thanks everyone)

5. do you respond to comments?

I try to. If I don't succeed it's often because life kicked my ass.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably On Your Six (Reaper & Soldier 76, Overwatch)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is hard mostly because all of my fic tends to be some kind of fix-it in some way to give someone an obscenely happy ending. If you had to have me narrow it down based on what my most blatant fix-it to some miserable canon character ending was? I'd go with either Happiness Exists (As Long As You Believe in the Possibility) (Qijiu again!), and the Recovery-verse as a whole, or maybe Abstraction White Rose (Revolutionary Girl Utena), because by god I needed Utena and Anthy to kiss and I MADE THEM DO THAT, A LOT.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Xiyao troll hit me once or twice and I got a few cranky dudebros who got mad at me for my Eva fic on a message board once, but nothing all that bad if I'm honest.

9. do you write smut?

...well, I've tried but the plot gets in the way.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you have written?

The first that come to mind are the MDZS/TGCF crossovers, but those are the same authors so I don't know that that counts. I DID write a very silly How The Grinch Stole Christmas/Nightmare Before Christmas short once upon an internet. It has since been lost to the great yawning of time and collapse of several social media platforms.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Someone once scraped the awful Naruto fic I wrote when I was like 15 and changed the names to make it a Samurai Champloo fic which, um. Why? But that was pretty damn funny in hindsight.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! In Russian, Chinese, and French. And I love every time it happens.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

My dayjob these days is cowriting with people. But on the fanfic side -- well, in short, yes. With the usual suspect (that would be Chira) and with my wife, who has once or twice dictated an entire story outline to me which I write in a day.

14. what's your all time favorite ship? Internet, I am old and you cannot expect me to pick one. Utena/Anthy maybe?

15. what is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I still need to do the last story for the A Troublesome Charge series which I SWEAR will happen it's just I had a literal baby.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Character voice. I love character voice and I am told I am good at it.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Smut.

18. thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

To be honest if I don't know it I don't try. But I like bilingual writing when it's done well (see also: Everything, Everywhere, All At Once) -- but when it comes to fangirl Japanese or Chinese, I tend to leave that to the experts.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

mumblesBeastWars and thank god that was on a platform that crashed and burned. The Beast Wars fic I wrote for Yuletide was way better.

20. favorite fic you have written?

On Your Six, despite how I feel about Overwatch nowadays, I feel was probably one of the punchiest stories I've ever written. I would have absolutely used this story to audition to write for Blizzard's tie-in novellas if Blizzard hadn't...well, read the news on what happened at Blizzard.

The other one I'd probably say is Ghost Roads in my Troublesome Charge series (MDZS). I just feel like I nailed all the multiple plotlines and characters involved in that one and I'm super proud of it. I'm not tagging anyone because I have anxiety about this kind of thing, but please feel free to do this meme yourself if it crosses your dash!

#writing #fanfic #my fanfic

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oddygaul · 3 months

Text

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, and also just Scott Pilgrim

-footage from Rebuild of Scott Pilgrim

I watched Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, then realized it had been nearly 15 years since I actually read the comics, so then I re-read all of those. I wish I had just done it in the right order to begin with, because doing it this way really scrambled my thoughts about both works. In my defense, how was I to know Takes Off is actually a sequel? What am I supposed to do, read things?

I was pleased to find that the original Scott Pilgrim honestly holds up pretty well. Takes Off is clearly such a reflective work that I was expecting to find the original story a lot more problematic than I had in high school, but… for the most part, it really knows what it’s doing. Yeah, a lot of the characters are shitbirds, but they’re meant to be shitbirds. The entire point of the book is showing us flawed people who intermittently make shitty decisions, and giving them a chance to grow, reflect, and treat the people around them better.

So generally, I still really liked Scott Pilgrim. All the goofy-ass character art and the surreal, unexplained quasi-fantasy Canada bits that made it tick back then still work. This time around, I really appreciated the writing and dialogue for not only its bevy of solid jokes, but for how fucking weird it is. In the past decade or so, I think a lot of ‘quirky’ humor has homogenized somewhat into a particular tone. Call it Whedonization or globalization or internet brain or whatever you want, but it can sometimes feel like anything aiming to be comedic hits a lot of the same beats.

The Scott Pilgrim comics, however, are a weird time capsule and their own vibe entirely. These fuckers just talk like aliens sometimes. They say random stuff, but it’s not *holds up spork* random, it’s “shit sorry I was kind of half listening but I think the thing I’m about to say is relevant” random. It’s less big swings to try and land a punchline, and more of two people letting loose a stream of consciousness at each other, lending a sense of constant confusion to the proceedings. It’s absolute nonsense sometimes, and I was way into it.

This ties into a slight shift in my read on Scott as a character, too. I always just saw him as a huge asshole - and that led to my biggest issue with the movie, which was that Cera plays him way too meek and doesn’t suck nearly enough. Reading the comics again, though, while Scott absolutely does suck, he’s just so fucking head empty that I warmed up to him a bit more. He’s still an asshole that doesn’t take responsibility for how his actions affect others, absolutely, but also god damn he’s so dumb that it softens the blow sometimes.

There were some little details about characters I’d forgotten that I really love - like the fact that Scott is actually a really good cook, but does it purely through intuition without knowing what anything’s called.

Art-wise, I liked it a lot more than I remembered, too; it definitely starts out a bit rough, but there’s a lot of charm to the characters and their weird gremlin mouths. I also laughed at some of the manga inspiration I didn’t pick up on before; everyone’s got big anime eyes, sure, but the grey screentone Clip Studio pattern fills? The hiring of assistants to do polished background work as the author gets into the later volumes? Ahh, classic.

Takes Off was a lot of fun, too. I gather that a lot of the internet fandom is upset it wasn’t a straight retelling of the original story with killer animation, but man, you gotta let creators create what speaks to them. Bryan Lee O’Malley started Scott Pilgrim twenty years ago. He’s been both married and divorced since then. Surely he’s gone through as much growth and change as we all would in such a timespan - how could you expect someone to just re-tread the exact same ground on such a personal story?

I find it interesting how prevalent this trend has become in the past decade or so - a creator or creative team returning to an old work - seemingly out of necessity, as the IP has become such a juggernaut that it’ll happen with or without them - and refusing to just tell the story again by the numbers. Anno’s Rebuild of Evangelion is the closest spiritually to this, but even recent ‘remakes’/reboots like Final Fantasy VII and God of War 2018 have followed the same path - creators ruminating on the strengths and weaknesses of older work from a more distant lens to create something new. They all seem to have arrived at this methodology independently, too (O’Malley said he only watched the Rebuilds once Takes Off was written and well underway); it’s not about chasing the trend of an altered remake, it seems to just be a natural desire to reckon with the past this way.

Because of this, one of the reasons I really wish I watched the show after re-reading the comics is to have a better sense of the evolution, and the change in tone and message. Due to watching Takes Off while having only a hazy recollection of the original, I made a lot of assumptions about how the original work must have portrayed things, to explain what Takes Off’s themes were a rejection of: that by giving Ramona more agency, she’s less of a damsel in distress/prize to be won, and isn’t defined by her body count… when in fact, neither of those are really the case to begin with. Ramona has plenty of agency in Scott Pilgrim, she fights as much as Scott does, and really is only defined by her body count as narrative framework, not judged in-universe by the other characters* **.

*I think some of these misconceptions may have come from having rewatched the movie more recently than I read the comics, as the movie (if I remember correctly, which this entire blog has established I likely don’t) does tend to treat Ramona as more of an passive object. Her subservience to Gideon in the real world (rather than in her subspace mind prison) comes to mind.

**Also, you could argue that the framework of the story itself being ‘guy fight’s girl’s evil exes in order to earn the right to date her’ is inherently placing importance on Ramona’s body count and someone’s romantic eligibility/desirability being defined by that but like… man that just is clearly not the vibe imo

If anything, I think the real lack that the show was trying to make up for wasn’t Ramona’s lack of agency, exactly, but a lack of screentime. Takes Off simply spends more time inside Ramona’s head, letting us see things from her perspective, and understanding the reasons for why she is the way she is and why she does the things she does. In some volumes of the book, she’s aloof almost to the point of feeling like a trope; it’s clear (especially later on) that there’s a reason for the way she acts, but the story just doesn’t necessarily communicate it very well. In the show, with Scott sidelined, we get to spend a lot of time with Ramona, understanding her thoughts and feelings, which is certainly a welcome change.

Anyway, intentions of the changes aside, I wouldn’t trade Takes Off for a straight remake in a thousand years; the sense of utter surprise I felt while watching the story take a hard left turn was exhilarating***. Plus, if the reason you love a series is the characters you’ve developed a bond with, what could be better than canonized fan fiction written by the original creator, showing your favorite characters interacting in new and novel ways? How could one not be excited to see Gideon and Lucas bro out and watch anime together? How could one not be thrilled to see Wallace Wells enact further chaos upon the whole province? More than righting storytelling wrongs, Takes Off is making space to tell more stories and round out everyone’s favorite supporting characters in a franchise that, due to the inherent density of its plot and setup, simply hasn’t had the real estate to develop all of them and let them breathe.

***Having just played through NieR recently, I almost felt like the show had scanned me, detected I had gotten Scott Pilgrim Ending A before, and was throwing some NG+ bonus content at me lmao

As far as the production goes, I was impressed overall, but thought it did suffer from some awkward timing and pacing issues. It’s stiff competition when your inevitable point of comparison is an Edgar Wright movie - even other live-action movies can seem stiff and slow compared to his frenetic pacing and constant cuts - but it still felt remarkably low energy at times, especially in the back half. Now, this is a problem you see a lot in anime dubs; English and Japanese are two very different languages, with different cadences and construction. Since a cast is typically required to dub over already existing animation, the translated dialogue often ends up being elongated and unnatural when it should be a quick back and forth, or hurried where it should have a little more breathing room. Given, though, that Takes Off was not only recorded in English before Japanese, but actually recorded before animation then animated to the dialogue (exceedingly uncommon), I was surprised the show still had this issue.

Regardless, the boarding in the first 4 episodes or so manages to be bombastic enough that this isn’t a problem; there’s a lot of wild camera angles and perspective shifts that keep things dynamic even when the dialogue itself isn’t moving too quickly. The animation highlight for me personally was the fight in the video store between Ramona and Roxy; great idea, incredible execution.

While Science Saru is the main production studio, I was intrigued to spy a bunch of other studios listed in the credits - WIT, Shaft, Ufotable, Trigger - but upon some further research it looks like they were just doing inbetween work.

Also the music includes slapped - I was jamming hard to Kidnapped by Neptune and Konya wa Hurricane, and then that United States of Whatever drop? unreal.

#will's media thoughts / virtual brain repository #shows #comics #scott pilgrim takes off #scott pilgrim

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