#every single song sends me spiralling

[jester-step]

i used to think i would never be able to pick a favorite artist/band but boygenius sure is getting close

#every single song sends me spiralling #the more i listen the more i fall in love with each and every one of them #i’m listening to we’re in love rn and i am going to THROW UP #and if you do i’ll know it’s you #i can’t imagine you without that same smile in your eyes #there is something about you that i will always recognise #crying screaming throwing up #maybe it’s bc their music is still fresh to me we’ll see #i’m very obsessed with them rn tho #boygenius

[andysorbit]

We Can Go Anywhere (M)

idol!Johnny x fem!reader

genre: smut, romance

warnings: car sex, fingering, unprotected sex, daddy kink, semi public sex, sweat kink

Author's note: this has been in my drafts for a while. I was gonna just trash it but what the hell. I tweaked it and now it's yours. also shout out to @multifandomslxt for triggering my sweat kink. it really added a nice touch and helped me finish this off in a way that felt more satisfying. I really hated what i had before.

word count: idek? like 1k?? give or take??

songs mentioned:

sex on fire - kings of leon

UH - fujiya and miyagi

You think you're falling in love with John when he shows up at your door at noon on a Saturday.

His pretty eyes meet yours and he grins at you,

"Pack a bag," he tells you.

It's random and you've grown close enough to stop questioning him. Whatever he has planned, he knows you need it just like he knows you well enough to step in at the right moment to keep you from spiraling.

"How much stuff should I pack?" You ask as you begin tossing your basic necessities in you backpack.

"Three days worth? Remember the old department store that closed down? Price Rite?"

John's fighting an eager smile.

"Yeah?" You say slowly.

"There's one left but it's like... Eight hours from here so if we go now, we can get there before they close and maybe have dinner on the way there. Hurry up,

John's voice is soft yet eager, "I'm gonna make sure my GPS is set up right. I'll be outside."

You pack a throw a few outfits and pajamas then take a quick shower.

It doesn't take you long to get ready and when you get into the passenger seat of John's car, he turns to smile at you, "Okay, you good? Got everything?" he asks.

You nod, "Yeah. I think so. I grabbed an extra phone charger for just in case."

"Perfect. Now let's get going," he says as he pulls off.

"I see you decided to wear a dress... Good girl, baby."

You feel your cheeks heat up and he reaches across to grab your hand and bring it to his lips for a kiss.

"You know at some point during this trip, I'm gonna have my hand in your panties."

"Oh, I know it."

The first hour is filled with music and snacks.

As John drives, you feed him sour patch kids, he dedicates songs to you, and you both play I spy.

It's these moments that you love. He isn't Johnny in NCT who travels the world and is sometimes gone for months at a time, he's John and he's as familiar as the feeling you get when your head touches your pillow at night.

In the second hour, you read fanfictions to John and you both laugh. After coming across a particulatly wild Doyoung story, you both decide to send it to him.

"That one was good... kinda made me a jerk though," John chuckles.

"You said it was a good idea to send the group chat a story about Doie getting a train ran on him by every single one of you guys, baby, you are a jerk," You shoot back.

John laughs and you definitely may be falling in love with him.

In the third hour, you both debate on whether or not road head is safe and ultimately decide against it.

Just into the fourth hour, John's hand eases from your thigh to inside your panties.

He strokes you while Sex on Fire blares from the car speakers and there's just something about the wind pouring into the car and the smell of the trees lining this stretch of highway that make this orgasm in particular the best orgasm John's ever given you.

When he pulls his hand from your panties and brings his fingers to his mouth to taste your release, you think that maybe you two could be like this forever. Raunchy and playful. Gentle and vulnerable. Safe, stupid, and comfortable; knowing that things will only ever get better for the both of you.

In the fifth hour, you stop for dinner at a roadside diner with a jukebox and John plays James Ingram's One Hundred Ways. You chat with a retired truck driver who tells John that he should marry you as soon as he can.

John promises him that he will.

In the sixth hour, Yuta calls to check in on you both and to tell you that Doyoung is spiraling from that story you sent and that Hyuck has been reading that story along with many other stories at full volume in all of the dorms.

In the seventh hour, John can't take it anymore and he pulls into a truck stop and parks way in the back, "Come on, beautiful," he hums as he clumsily shimmies his long frame into the backseat.

UH plays as you ride him frantically and you both know that this could go so badly if someone were to see the car visibly shaking but you're both too caught up in the hunger of this moment to care.

"Daddy!" You whimper.

"Ride daddy's cock like a good girl... that's it," he sighs.

Your thighs burn but you can't stop. John presses hot kisses against your neck and chest, "Need you to cum, baby... cum on my cock," he whines and you know he's so close to letting go.

You take his face in your hands and lick the sweat from his upper lip.

"God, you're so fuckin' hot... Ah! Shit..." he says through clenched teeth.

"Cum, daddy... please cum," You plead.

"Cum with me," he whispers. He licks your neck and slowly drags his tongue up, up, up past your jaw, past your cheek to the sweat on your own upper lip.

You moan and lap at his tongue. To taste him like this makes your body float.

His hips stutter and he cums inside you with deep sigh, "Don't stop yet... get yourself off, baby," he winces. You know he's sensitive and he's too greedy to stop you.

You both share a greedy kiss as you tremble and bounce on him, "Daddy... I'm... I'm close."

John brings a hand down to thumb your clit and you squeeze your eyes shut as you release.

Somehow, he cums again and this time he's throwing his head back and bucking wildly against you. You lean against him and gather yourself.

The words tumble out of his mouth with that same warmth and clumsiness he had when he first asked you to be his girlfriend,

"I love you."

You kiss him, "I love you too, John," You whisper.

You stay this way for a little longer and when you finally get back on the road, John drives with your hand in his.

In the eighth hour, you arrive at Price Rite. It's a nostalgic gift for the both of you and as you walk aisles together, you smile at the familiarity.

"All of their stores really do look the same," John says incredulously.

"At least we don't have to ask where anything is," You say as you look towards the lingerie section.

"Looks like you want a Price Rite Signature exclusive," he says with a chuckle as he leads you into the department.

You both look around until John finds a dusty pink set, "I think this is the one, Y/n," he says.

"Oh wow, that's so pretty," You say with a gasp.

"Come on, let's go get a hotel for the night. It's late," he says as he ushers you out to check out.

"You look like the boy in the group my son likes," the cashier says. You look down at her name tag, her name is Sandra.

"I get that a lot," John laughs, "That's the guy from.. NCT? Yeah, I hear that quite a lot. I met him once. He's even bigger in person."

"Yeah? My son has a thing for tall guys... oh he's gonna love this. You two enjoy your night," she says as she hands John the receipt.

You both bid her a good evening and leave.

"You're so annoying," You laugh as your hand finds his.

John drives along the boulevard until he spots a hotel, "This one looks good. How are you feelin' about stopping here for the night, ladybug?"

"Yeah," You say softly. You feel your body tiring out.

He parks the car and you get out, "I'll get your stuff. You look half dead."

You give him a tired smile and wait as he gets your things from the trunk.

In the hotel lobby, John does all of the talking to get a room.

"Newly weds?" the receptionist asks.

"Yes, ma'am," John says with a nod.

It's when he turns to smile at you that you know for sure that you are in love with him.

#neoculturecollectives #nct #nct smut #kpop smut #nct 127 #nct 127 smut #nct hard hours #nct hard thoughts #johnny suh hard hours #johnny suh smut #nct johnny #ambw smut #ambw fic #ambw kpop #nct ambw #ambw nct #nct x black!reader #nct x plus sized reader #johnny suh ambw #kvanity

[half-algorithm-half-deity]

MCR moments that send me to the 80% of the ocean we haven't seen yet

Here's parts of My Chem songs that make me feel feelings, in no particular order

The desperate, gritty, sad second "And we'll love again, we'll laugh again, we'll cry again, and we'll dance again", I could write an essay on this part I swear

Vampires will never hurt you: "I'll never let them hurt you, i pROMISE". I believe her every time

Also in vampires pretty much any of the distorted screams like the "COME ON"

ALSO ALSO vamps "Someone get me to the doctor and someone call the nurse" and the entirety of that verse - smashing my head on my desk pounding my fist on the ground palpitating my heart with my ribcage ahhhhh (we're done with vampires I promise)

"l i g h t u p t h e s t a g e a n d w a t c h m e KICK OUT THE JAMS"

Fronk's rabid dog backing vocals in Honey this Mirror

The final line in the Dead! bridge (Is that the most both of you can gi-i-i-ive?) literally leaves me Dead! every single time

The grief-stricked, utterly DESPERATE bridge of Helena

Any Ray Toro solo

But especially Vampire Money (when i speak of the milf it is he who i speak of)

And all of Mama's guitar tings (I am dead in Seattle SIR PLEASEDFRWSASRSEAEW-)

boy division

"I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU SO FAR"

Scarecrow Rocals

" ~ TAKE A TRAIN OUTTA NEW ORLEANS AND THEY SHOT ME FULL OF EPHEDRINE ~ "

early sunsets over monroeville

When all the instruments cut out in the intro to This is How I Disappear and G screams "GO"

Also the unhinged spiraling vocals and instruments during the breakdown of Disappear

The Light Behind Your Eyes

"WAKE UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPP" - Sleep outro

"I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING, I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE" (I spontaneously burst into tears when I first heard this as a depressed 13-year-old, i will never forget that day)

The "WOO" at the very end of Headfirst for Halos

The harmonizing fuckworthy rayrard(?) vocals during "You and I" in Headfirst for Halos (there's probably more but it's most noticeable there)

Aw sugar

Desert Song. Especially the first verse

Mad Gear being so fucking old and so fucking alone in Mastas of Ravenkroft

"The World Is Ugly, but you're beautiful to me"

Also the Vampires reference in the World Is Ugly at the very end

Kiss the Ring: "Fist up, head down, Hail! (Hail!) to the King!"

The weird-ass high-pitched pussy-loaded submissive and breedable squeaky moan in the Sharpest Lives

The "ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta" in Make Room!!!

"When both our CAAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSS COLLIDE"

Heaven Help Us

Planetary dance vibes

Welcome to the Black Parade breakdown bridge thing, and the climactic earth-shattering "I DON'T CARE WE'LL CARRY OONNN" that leveled new jersey

G dropping bars in Heaven Help Us (second verse)

The very rocals in the Ghost of You (Lotms version)

Also rocals "One, two, three, four!" In PP

The background "saaay goodbye"s in To the End

Also To the End funkiness

WE GOT A MEDICAL EMERGENCE MEDICAL EMERGENCY

That part in Tomorrow's Money where I misheard one part as "I fell in love with a vampire / 'M gunna throw you in the air fryer"

The complete incoherence of overlapping yelling and guitar noises before it all stopped with the last "Make Room!!!"

"YOU CAN FIGHT THIS ALL YOU WA-A-A-HANT" run in Surrender the Night

This list will only get longer and longer

#and of course #who could forget #the moans in destroya #mcr #my chemical romance #you brought me your bullets i brought you my love #three cheers for sweet revenge #the black parade #danger days #conventional weapons #gerard way #frank iero #ray toro #mikey way #ray toro supremacy #it is ray toro supremacy month #just like last month #and it will be next month

[ashwhowrites]

Famous daddy part 5

The series has come to an end. I want to thank everyone for the love and support on this fic. I know the parts came at random times but everyone was so patient <3 I hope you enjoy the final part.

Zack was calling call after call. Eddie knew he'd be pissed and he knew Zack would do anything he could to make Eddie regret ever crossing him.

But the small interaction with Y/N gave him all the hope he needed.

~~~

Y/N didn't know what to think. Eddie stayed true to his word and ended his career. A career that he was so desperate for, yet she meant more. She wanted to be cautious, he burned her once and he could easily burn her again. But he publicly left his label, and no management would ever take that lightly.

She couldn't ignore the part of her that was happy. She still loved him, and she knew that wouldn't go away overnight. Knowing that he was fighting for her meant something. It was easy to be away from him when she pretended she hated his existence, but he was digging himself back into her life. She knew if she hated him, she could let him go in a heartbeat.

As the world lost their minds over the news, Eddie felt like his head was more clear than ever. He didn't waste a second to send her a location to meet at.

She wanted to pretend that she fought the idea of seeing him, but she didn't. She grabbed her keys and raced out the door. She ended things, she took time away, and she avoided all contact with him. And did she heal? Not at all. Did she miss him the whole time and wish there was a way to feel better again? Definitely.

She walked through the park, her eyes already catching him on a bench. His head was down, his legs shaking as his elbow rested on it. She could sense his nerves from miles away.

Flowers next to him, a cup of coffee, and a small device.

"I'm here, now what?" She asked, now standing in front of him. His head snapped up. She gasped at his red eyes, like he'd been crying for hours.

"sit please?" He asked, grabbing the flowers and coffee, and handing them over to her as she sat.

She kept the flowers in her lap but sipped on the warm drink. A smiled as he remembered her order from their first date.

"I want to start with I'm so sorry. I know I've apologized and apologized. But I still feel like I need to say it. I made you look like a fool and I regret that so much. I never should have agreed to a shortcut. I should have made it on my own. I don't deserve anything I have, because the only thing I want to deserve is you. You are all that matters to me. Not the music, the fame, and the money. I wish I did everything differently. I wish I never said yes or was man enough to end it when I realized I fucking loved you."

She took in his words but her heart was still spiraling. His career was over, no doubt about that. He proved that she meant more, but was it too late?

"I understand if you never want to see me again. Tell me to fuck off for good, and I promise I will. But I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me. That I'm too late and I'll never get to make this up to you." He sniffled through his words, his head facing her as he stared at her.

She got the courage to lift her head. Her wet eyes met his. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He looked so torn and tired. Selfishly she hoped it was because he lost her and not his music.

"How can I believe you?" She asked.

Eddie grabbed the small device between them.

"A CD of every single song I recorded about you, me, and us. Every single one." He handed it over but she was confused.

"what do I do with this?" She asked

"Break it, set it on fire, run it over with your car. Anything you want. I moved everything to that CD, nothing was left on any devices for my old management to get. I won't make a single dime off of you. Not anymore." He explained.

Y/N appreciated the gesture. A part of her wanted to play it, hear what he had to sing about her.

"Was it real? Did it feel real when you recorded it? Or was it money grabs?" She asked. Either answer would hurt her.

"All real. Everything I felt for you was real. The only unreal part was the beginning. But I fell for you instantly and I didn't write the songs just to make money from it. It was everything I was feeling. You became my muse and it was so easy to write about falling in love with you." He explained.

"Thank you. I'll take it and think about everything. It's going to be hard to act like it didn't happen or that you didn't break my heart. But stupidly enough, I miss you and it kills me to be away from you." She admitted, standing up as she grabbed the flowers, CD, and drink.

"Take all the time you need. Thank you for listening." Eddie smiled.

She gave a small nod and walked away.

Eddie watched until she disappeared. Now all he had to do was wait.

~~~

Y/N plugged her headphones into her computer, the disc spinning inside the laptop as Eddie's voice filled her ears.

Over fifty songs, all just for her. The way he had so much emotion in his voice, conflicted with her. She could hear the moments when he smiled, his voice picking up when he replayed a memory. The more she listened and made it down the list, she sensed a change in his direction.

All the songs now were apologies. His voice cracked throughout the lyrics, and his sniffles mixed in when he got to the end. His voice was powerful and determined.

He took the blame for everything, never once begging for sympathy. He sang about how he deserved every bad thing coming his way.

She was suffering, and he clearly was suffering.

They both missed each other and loved each other.

He did everything she asked. He left the music behind and is focused on fixing things with her. She felt like she was the most important thing to him.

She figured one more chance wouldn't hurt. If she got burned twice by him, she'd learn her lesson and never forgive him again. Right now she could forgive him, and start a new relationship that's based on real words and love. She could go slow and start over. And maybe a happy ending.

~~~

It's been a week since he saw her and he was losing his mind. He wanted to be patient and give her all the time and space she needed. But it was killing him not to know where her head was at.

He almost felt like he stopped breathing when her name popped up on his phone. He answered it as fast as he could.

"Hello."

"Hey Eddie, I've been thinking about us. And I was wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee. For old time's sake, maybe on a first date?"

Eddie felt the biggest smile on his face as her words traveled over the phone. His heart raced and he could feel the excitement bubbling in his stomach.

"YES! Yes, a first date sounds amazing." He rushed out, and a huge sigh of relief passed through his lips.

"How about tomorrow at three?"

"I'll be there, thank you."

"Bye Eds." She smiled.

"Bye Y/N."

He waited until she hung up before he screamed in excitement. His phone was in his hand as he jumped on his couch. Thanking God over and over. Thanking her over and over. Thanking anyone who helped him get a second chance.

"EDDIE! IM STILL HERE!" Y/N laughed over the line.

He froze when he heard her voice, collapsing on his couch as he put the phone to his ear.

"shit, sorry." He panted out.

"All good. I'll see you tomorrow."

This time the phone went dead.

She knew she made the right decision as she felt her stomach flutter again. He sounded so relieved and happy about her decision. He wanted her and she wanted him.

It will take time to build up the trust again. She's going to be cautious with her heart heading into a relationship with him again. But she believed he'd fix all the parts he broke. She believed he was determined to make it work, and that convinced her enough.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @manyfandomsfanvergentreblogs @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93 @gretavankleep37

@lolz-0110 @gaysludge @hmcmlfcyy @omgvirtualcupcakecollection-blog @bibieddiesgf @holyheadharpies99 @bakugouswh0r3 @cloudroomblog @emma77645 @ali-r3n @eddiesguitarskills @berlinswifey

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie stranger things #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson request #eddie munson angst #eddie munson angst x reader #eddie munson fluff x reader #famous daddy series #rockstar eddie munson angst #rockstar! eddie x reader #rockstar eddie munson #ashwhowrites

[achaotichuman]

Thank you for writing those headcanons! I appreciate them!

But could you pweeeeeeeese write some headcanons or like an imagine on what it would be like to be tamlin's lover? Like what would tam tam do for AND with his lover? Pretty pweeeeese. I'm gonna use the magic word

✨️ bbygirl ✨️

Pweese?

How dare you pull out the bbygirl once again.

But of course, I shall give you what you wish for, dear anon.

Here is a lovely list of reader x Tamlin headcanons. Once again, these are all gender ambiguous because Tam Tam is for the guys, gals, non-binary pals, and supernatural entities and anomalies.

Everyone keep in mind, I suck at doing reader x character headcanons, so cut me some slack here.

Tamlin will go out of his way to make sure you are happy. He'll pick up on little things you say, like your favorite foods, books and music and he'll do everything in his power to find them for you. Even if it's something like an ice-cream flavor that you liked as a kid and can't find anymore, he disappear for a few hours and then surprise you with it. He gets you flowers every single week, without fail, same day, same time, every week since you started courting. He grew them all himself, and all the flowers have different meanings that make a message, it's not all about love, sometimes it will reference if the week has been sad, confusing, or joyful. Even if it is pouring rain he will go out and pick them, then present them to you soaked at the door. Tamlin has a recipe book that used to be his mother's and was passed down from her family. He gave it to you because he knew his mother would have wanted to teach you all her favorite recipes, and this feels like giving her that precious moment in a way. You surprised him by making a feast from those recipes. With Alis' help of course. Rhysand came by to try and taunt Tamlin, wanting to send him spiraling. He walked into Tamlin's office already going off on his tangent. But when the chair turned around to face him, it was you sitting there with your arms crossed, eyes glaring. Rhysand was stood in shock, then Tamlin appeared behind him saying "Do we have a problem here?" Rhysand left very shortly after that. Tamlin has regular nightmares, and often times cannot be consoled after them, so he shifts to beast form and simply watches over you from the foot of the bed. You have taken to moving across the bed and laying down beside him whilst humming a song he wrote for you. Even though he is still afraid to come out of beast form, he has started sleeping again after the nightmares. Tamlin showed you a treehouse he built when he was a kid, it's out hidden in the forest. Near falling apart which he was a little upset over as it was his favorite place as a kid. So you got the sentries and set to work on rebuilding it. When you showed it to him, reconstructed and freshly painted, he cried as he kissed you. Once when you were strolling through the Spring Court, you came across a pit of mud, and Tamlin, wanting to have one those romantic carrying scenes, picked you up to carry you across. You were giggling and he was so proud of himself. Turns out, it was a lot deeper than originally thought and you both fell in. You laughed so hard you got a bloody nose and Tamlin did not try to do that again. You will both stay up late into the night, telling jokes and telling stories like kids at a sleepover, laughing until Alis is banging on the door telling you to go to sleep. It's some of the most fun Tamlin has had in years and you are so happy to make him happy. You like to wrap yourself in blankets like a burrito in the morning, because it's cold and you don't want to get up. So, Tamlin will scoop you up, blankets and all, and carry you downstairs for breakfast. At the next High Lord's meeting, when you attended, Rhysand made one too many degrading comments to Tamlin. So you retaliated with making friends with *everyone* and subtly talked shit about the Night Court until rumors were spreading galore. As the Inner Circle scrambled for damage control, you and Tamlin sat back and delighted at the entertainment.

I hope these suffice anon!

#acotar #pro tamlin #acotar headcanons #tamlin #y/n x tamlin #reader x tamlin #reader x tamlin headcanons #reader insert #reader x character #acotar au

[andreafmn]

Collision - Chapter 14

Word Count: 3.7K

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life is at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

Chapter: 14/?

Warnings: more heartbreak, underage drinking, swearing, steamy scene (no smut)

A/N: I promise this is not turning into a Paul fanfic (although all my twilight stories need to have some connection to him cause he is one of my favorites). But reader is kind of going on a downward spiral for a bit. She'll come out way better at the end but there are three whole months unaccounted for in the books that I need to make up and I love angst, so. This chapter is a mess and so is reader.

My content will always be free, but if you're feeling particularly generous, you can leave a tip on any of my posts to support me and my love of writing. I will also be starting a Patreon for exclusive content, early releases, and other goodies if you're interested  🥺👉👈. Hope you enjoy, and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

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Chapter 14

There was an intricacy to breakups that (Y/N) had not yet grasped. She wanted to feel everything at once. Rid her memory of all things Cullen for once and all.

But this type of heartbreak wasn’t like the others. It consumed you bit by bit. Chipping away at your very soul until there was nothing left but the shell of a person. It was the kind of heartbreak people wrote songs about, poetry about, books about. The kind that is forever etched into your mind as the one that altered the chemical composition of your being. The one that becomes a checkpoint for your life – there is you before the heartbreak and the you afterward.

(Y/N) didn’t want to feel all of that. She needed her life to go on as if nothing had happened. Maybe this was the push she needed to go to med school. Maybe this was the reason she moved out of state and traveled. Maybe this was the point in her life where all the good things came.

Nothing works out as one wants.

She fell into a vicious cycle.

She would wake. She would go to work. She would come home. She would cry. She would sleep. Then, she would wake again.

And somehow a whole month had gone by.

She would wake. She would work. She would cry. She would sleep. Every. Single. Day.

At some point, (Y/N) was made aware of Bella Swan’s similar status. The poor girl had suffered the same fate she had. It made her think they had been cursed. If there were vampires and werewolves, witches and curses didn’t seem like such a fantastical idea anymore.

Maybe that’s what the two Cullen men had done to them. Cursed them with their love. Their bittersweet love.

One thing kept playing in (Y/N)’s head. Words Carlisle had used to make sure the wound never closed. 'Just like your father.’ That sentence had been carved into her skin, sending shivers down her spine each time she remembered it. He was right. She had been resolute in the idea of leaving everyone she loved behind for him. For a simple man that cared more about his reputation than her heart.

It made her think too much of Joshua Uley. She had been very young when he left. With the years the image of him started fading from her memory. First, she couldn’t remember his voice. Then, his face blurred. Finally, she could not even remember how it felt to be hugged by him.

She knew Sam resembled him the most in appearance. Their mother would often cry about how much he reminded her of him. But she always said (Y/N) had his eyes and his soul.

“If only you both could have met him when we fell in love,” Allison would cry to them – inebriation aiding to her woes. “My little (Y/N), your heart is just like his was. But I know you are stronger.”

The girl had never understood what her mother had meant. Until now. She felt she was all the bad parts of her father. She was going to abandon her family in a selfish search for a life that made sense to her. No longer could she recall the way her father would read her to sleep; how he would kiss her wounds after getting them clean and wrapped; how he celebrated each time she came home with an outstanding grade. Now all she could recall were the bad things he did. The way he acted when he would drink; how he would fight with her mother when he thought the kids weren’t listening; how he left his family without a second thought.

Glimpses of her childhood flooded her mind. Her brain nitpicking at the specific bad moments she felt identified with.

That particular Saturday one memory stood out. She remembered every time her father would get angry, specifically the thing he would do right after. In the entrance hallway closet, there was a floorboard that was loose. Inside, Joshua would store a collection of liquor bottles hidden from the eyes of his family. (Y/N) had once investigated the hiding place. At her young age, she had no idea what the liquids were, but she knew it made her father act out of the ordinary and be led by his emotions.

Maybe that was what she needed at the moment, she thought. There could not be any other reason for her brain to concoct that memory now - (Y/N) had not spared a thought for her father in over a decade. Maybe what she needed was the liquid that made everyone speak their mind, even if unwillingly. The bitter nectar that could make her father shift from anger to sadness, to disappointment in a matter of minutes. That’s what she needed. To feel everything at once and purge it all out of her system. Surely that was the way she would get over losing a life with Carlisle Cullen.

She was by herself that day. Her mother had pulled a double shift at work and would not be back until the early hours of the morning. So, she headed to the closet in hopes that she had been the only one to discover the secret hideout.

The door of the closet creaked as she swung it open, the sound hurting her ears. If someone else had been in the house, they would have most definitely heard it. The small room was unassuming. Good enough to store the thick jackets they would need for winter as well as some lighter ones for the rest of the year. Boxes were piled at the top on a shelf, and shoes and bags were thrown about on the floor.

Her eyes quickly were transfixed on the wooden board from the corner that slightly stuck out. To anyone else, it would simply look like it needed to be pushed down, but (Y/N) knew the reason it never was.

She had taken a flathead screwdriver and used that to jam it into the space between the floorboard and the emptiness underneath, prying the old plank open. And just like she had remembered, half a dozen bottles of an assortment of liquor bottles were strung on the floor. Most of them were halfway done, the others only a quarter of liquid was left in them.  

(Y/N) lifted one that she recognized. The label reading vodka reminded her of the one and only time she had had alcohol in her system. A stupid weekend afternoon in her school where her roommate had decided to sneak in a bottle after Christmas break. She had brought it back from her home and had told everyone that her parents had allowed her to drink whilst she was home.

It had been reckless and stupid, and she had ended up puking all night, promising she would never drink again.

But she also remembered how it was the first time that she truly felt homesick. Well, she had always felt a bit homesick, but that was the first time she outwardly expressed it. For her – at that time, at least – emotions were too much of a distraction. They kept her from striving forward, doing whatever she had to do to earn the best education possible. And so, she repressed everything. Until she downed half the bottle of vodka her roommate had brought back.

So, she drank.

And she would continue to drink for the next two weeks during the times she was by herself. The next weekend, she paid a guy twenty bucks to get her enough bottles of vodka from the store to get her through the month. It was stupid and reckless, but that was exactly how she felt.

She hid the bottles under the same floorboard her father would. Sneaking around to take a small swig before she would go to bed; hiding a drink after she came home from work; spending the days she was alone drinking and crying.

The next Saturday after the first time she found the bottles was no different. (Y/N) took hold of two bottles, placing the wooden floorboard down just as she had found it. She did not want her mother to find anything awry, not even herself.

So, at two in the afternoon she started to drink.

The first swig of the bottle always went down roughly. It burned all the way from her throat until it hit her empty stomach. She knew the feeling would be almost instantaneous. Without any food in her system and no water intake, her head would be swaying after the third sip from the bottle.

She didn’t mind the burn. She welcomed the almost unbearable sting the alcohol left. It wasn’t as strong as she had remembered the drink to be, but it was good enough for its purpose. She would feel it all. She would fill the vast nothingness she felt inside. She would drink until she forgot.

Four hours and two bottles completely drained later, (Y/N) lay on the ground, staring at the ceiling as it spun around her. Tears fell from her eyes, but she didn’t necessarily feel like crying. They simply fell. She also felt tired, but not tired enough to fall asleep. She was tired of feeling dread. She was tired of grieving. She was tired of yearning for something that would never be hers.

“Did you know you could actually die from heartbreak?” (Y/N) spoke to no one in particular. She was by herself. Completely alone. “It’s true. It’s called broken heart syndrome. It’s when a stressful event makes the body release a massive surge of adrenaline and noradrenaline causing the small arteries that supply blood to the heart to narrow, decreasing blood flow to the heart. It’s rare that someone would die from this. But it doesn’t mean it can’t happen,” she sighed for a pause and continued. “I never understood this until now. I questioned how anyone could care so much about something – someone – that their own body knows when that person hurts them. The heart becomes weaker when that person decides to trample all over it. Can you imagine?  What would people say?!”

And then she laughed. She laughed until her stomach hurt. Because how stupid did she feel? Promising her future to someone so unpredictable, so volatile. Someone she had no idea existed until a few months before.

Then, she cried. Because she felt stupid. For considering abandoning her mother, and her brother. For considering spending eternity with someone that did not deserve it. Someone that had been so careless with her heart – with her love.

Her cries were so loud she did not hear the sound of the front door as it opened.

Paul had been walking down the street after coming back to Sam’s house after a useless patrol. The Cullens were gone, he had thought, what was the need to keep on the lookout? He was bored. Sure, he detested the bloodsuckers, but he liked the thrill of threatening them when they walked too close to the treaty line, the adrenaline that rushed through him as he rushed after one of them when he smelt them from afar, the dreaming that one day one of them would step out of line and he could sink his teeth into one of them. Now, it was no fun.

As he walked, he kicked a pebble down the street. There was only one person he wanted to spend time with, but she was slightly preoccupied with getting over one of the cold ones. To him it was easy. He was a man that could never give her the life she deserved. Someone who would simply bring her into a life of hiding, a life she wasn’t made for.

In Paul’s mind, (Y/N) was made for grandeur. She was meant to save people, to make a name for herself in the medical community. She was meant to make it out of their little town and move on to bigger, greater things.

What Carlisle had done was be a coward in Paul’s eyes. The man had it all. Money, power, a united family, and the best woman out there. He literally had it all. And threw it all away at the first sign of trouble. Paul knew his money wouldn’t suffer; he would always have his standing between his people; his family would follow him wherever he went. But (Y/N). (Y/N) was collateral damage to him. He had taken what he wanted and thrown her aside. If he hated the Cullens, this stuck the nail in the coffin.

It had been a month since he had spoken to her. A month and a half since he had seen her completely break down in front of him over a man that was not worth it. So many days had been robbed from them, their friendship. Days he could have used to rekindle their relationship, to transform it. So much time that had been stolen by Carlisle Cullen and his cowardly actions.

“If she’d give me a chance, I would make sure she knew how lucky I was to have her by my side,” Paul had said one night at the beach to Jared, babbling on as he normally did when speaking of (Y/N). “That bloodsucker has no idea what he’s let go of. Either way, she deserves so much better.”

“And that’s you?” Jared asked between laughs. “I don’t think I need to remind you, but she did choose him at some point in time. Even after your lousy attempt at swaying her to you.”

“I could be everything she didn’t know she needed.”

Paul grinned at the memory, the same way he had grinned that night because he truly believed his words.

 In his reminiscence, Paul heard sobs. A heart-wrenching sound that he had grown to know. He’d heard it but a month ago, and he would hear it every night he walked by her window. It was a sound he wished he could erase from his memory and take from her repertoire.

Many times, he’d listened to her cry until she would fall asleep, never getting closer under direct orders from Sam. This was her heartbreak to navigate, Sam had told her. There is not much they could do about it.

But this time was different. Her cries were mixed with a sharp smell, one he could not tie to (Y/N), but one he remembered well from his times in high school. A dangerous weapon when in a state of sadness.

Paul walked up the creaky stairs of the porch, pressing his ear to the front door to confirm the cries that emanated from the other side. His hand checked the doorknob to find it unlocked, and without much preamble, he walked in.

(Y/N) was on the floor in the middle of the dark living room, clutching her chest and crying. Empty bottles of vodka surrounded the girl. The smell hit the wolf right away, burning his nostrils. It was a devastatingly heartbreaking scene.

“Why?” (Y/N) cried, not yet noticing Paul’s presence. “I f-fucking loved you.”

“(Y/N)?” Paul called out startling the inebriated girl. She sat up quickly and clutched her head as she clearly felt the wooziness from the alcohol. “What’re you doing?”

“W-why ‘r you here?” she slurred. “W-why?”

“I could hear and smell you from outside, (Y/N).” He was worried. Not only was he hurt to see his friend like that, but it surprised him to the lengths she was going to forget that Cullen man. It was reckless. “What’s going on,

“I’m a fucking mess, Paul.” She looked defeated. Completely and utterly defeated. “I-I wanna forget him. I wanna rip every piece of my skin he touched. I wanna incinerate every single memory I have of him. I wanna rid my body and my soul of anything I put his name on. I wanna fucking detest him.”

“This isn’t the way to do it, (Y/N). It’s barely six in the afternoon and you are drunk out of your mind. How long have you been like this?”

“Why do you care? I can do whatever I want,” she continued to slur her words. “I’m going to feel everything I need to feel and forget him. Forget he ever existed. Forget anything that he made me feel.”

(Y/N) crashed onto Paul’s chest as she continued to cry. Her emotions quickly flipped between anger and sorrow, unable to control the fast switch. She felt completely out of control, unable to moderate how her feelings came out. But it was better than feeling a suffocating nothing.

Just like the first night, she cried on Paul as he rubbed comforting circles on her back to calm her down.

“Tell me what I can do,” he whispered into her ear. “What can I do to help you through this, (Y/N)? I can’t stand to see you like this.”

She didn’t know how to answer. There wasn’t much she was sure of those days. Still, she felt an overwhelming feeling creep into her. As she lifted her head and stared into Paul’s eyes, she couldn’t help but lean forward, crashing her lips onto his.

It was warm, she thought. Unbearably warm. The kiss was sloppy and unskilled, messy, and hungry. Maybe it wasn’t what she wanted but it was what she felt she needed at that moment. Because she needed to forget. And with just enough distractions she could maybe do just that. Forget.

(Y/N) moved her body until she was on top of Paul, straddling his lap. Her hands grasped at the short hair on the nape of his neck, pulling him closer to her. It made her whole body ignite with a fire she had not felt in a while. She craved physical touch, intimacy, and sexual desire. And Paul could give her that. She wanted to forget how comforting the cold had become to her. She wanted to be warm – burning hot. (Y/N) wanted the complete opposite of who and what Carlisle was.

She wanted more.

Her hands dropped to the hem of Paul’s white wifebeater, pulling it off his torso, then landing on his toned chest. She ran them through his muscles, her fingers tracing the Quileute tattoo that adorned his arm. She felt intoxicated by something stronger than the alcohol running through her body. Something that edged the bad decisions on, tempting her to let her intrusive thoughts win.

Feeling unsatisfied with how slow everything was going, (Y/N) dove her hands down as she kissed Paul’s jaw and neck, fumbling for the button on his pants. That was until Paul took hold of her shaking hands.

“What’re we doing here, (Y/N)?” He was breathing hard, unable to stabilize his breath properly. “You’re drunk.”

“I’m sober enough to make my own decisions,” she retorted. “Plus, they say to get over someone you should get under someone else. So, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“So I’m just your rebound.”

“Gods, Paul! When did you get so sentimental?” (Y/N) said exasperated. Getting up, she threw his shirt at his chest trying in any way to let out her frustration. “I thought this was something you wanted.”

“Not like this,” he said. His response was unnaturally soft. Paul could see how much (Y/N) was hurting, and as much as he wanted nothing more than to be this close to her in any way possible, he could not do it this way. “(Y/N), you’re drunk and emotional. I can’t do this when I know you’re not in your right headspace.”

“Why do you care where my head is? It’s just sex.”

“If tomorrow you feel the same way, then we can talk. But I simply can’t,” he responded. “I care too much about you to let you do something you might regret when you’re in this state. Let’s get you to bed, (Y/N). What you need is to sleep.”

“What if I went somewhere else to get what I want?” It was clear that she wanted to hurt him, push him to the edge until eventually, he broke. Her subconscious mind told her it was wrong. To manipulate his feelings this way was the worse thing she could do to someone she cared about so much. But her alcohol-subdued mind spat whatever it could to get what it wanted. “Maybe I’ll call up Jared. Maybe even Jake might jump at the request. I honestly could not care less.”

His eyes softened at her as she spewed those empty threats. Paul knew where they were coming from a place of pain and need. Even if they did hurt him, he understood that this (Y/N) was not the one he loved. She was a mask put on to hide her true feelings.

“Look, (Y/N). I would bring down the fucking moon for you if you asked,” he whispered as he closed the distance between them. His hands landed softly on both sides of her face, shifting her lowered gaze to meet his. “If you want to go sleep with the first guy you see, that’s your prerogative. But I can’t let you do that when your decisions are being made when you are absolutely fucked up. As your best friend, I won’t allow it.”

(Y/N) stared into Paul’s eyes, defeat slowly taking over. He was right. Completely right.

Then, the waterworks came once more.

“I just want it to stop,” she cried. “I want to get over him. I want to go on as if nothing ever happened because it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.”

“I know,” he said. “And it will keep hurting for some time, but this is not the way to do it.”

“It’s a way,” she whispered. “I’m tired.”

“Let’s get you to bed and we can try and talk tomorrow. How about that?”

Finally giving up, (Y/N) allowed Paul to guide her to her room. She snuggled herself into bed as Paul set a glass of water and two aspirins on the bedside table. It was a nurturing side to Paul she had not seen before, or simply had not noticed. He cared for her just like she had cared for him when they were little.

“Make sure you drink this as soon as you wake up.” She nodded in response. Too tired to talk anymore. “And, (Y/N). Don’t make any bad decisions while I’m not around.”

Taglist: @agent-anna@banterbanner@alitav99@daniallh@catchmeupimgettingoutofhere@imaginetwilight2704@mauvette268@beefwhobarksandisalilmadalot@abelbai000@ridiculous-creature​ @mikariell95@gryffi-ndor@jules-bea2308@comic-book-overload@winter-soldier-101 @jessicasunderground @mxyee @hey-you-therexo @witchy-obeyme-freak @xcastawayherosx @kortniec696 @slutforsainz @Blackbluerose666 @DyslexicCatterpillar @sunflowerleii@gypsymusiclover@byelannie@a-sifu-hotman@zheezs14@minhaimaginacao @bluebirbnamedJay @sirenheadenby @sunshine2894@jelly-fishy-babie@thatgirljayy@nogitsune-the@user0ur0mom@skyesthebomb @swidkid @mushroomelephant @valejewel @andreiaafaria@bluetreecloud20 @swidkid @skyesthebomb@user0ur0mom@nogitsune-the@cometstail@esposadomd @nocturnalherb16 @lovel-blog @goodpeoplegotohellanyway@616wilsons @lunaOoO @itsmytimetoodream@honeylovemoon@wonieeee@chaoticthingpizza@baebeepeach@cecehensonn@krazyk99@catgirlpwr@itsmytimetoodream @magimtz23 @sl-ut @adaydreamaway08 @cinffy23 @toomanythoughts33 @f4irylure @thedeadpo3t @

#carlise cullen #carlisle cullen imagine #carlisle cullen smut #carlisle cullen x reader #twilight #twilight imagine #twilight smut #paul lahote #sam uley #edward cullen #alice cullen #bella swan #rosalie hale #emmett cullen #esme cullen #jasper hale #jared cameron #heartbreak #the cullens #twilight saga #twilight fanfiction #twilight fan fiction #the twilight saga #jacob black #reader insert #collision #andreafmn #writing #angst #follow

[scary-monsters]

some thoughts on parental loss, isolation, self-sabotage, etc etc. not a necessary read but. just where my head has been lately.

march and april are very difficult months for me, every single year. my birthday approaching always manages to send me into a cycle of nauseating anxiety, and april is the anniversary of my dad's passing.

i miss my dad more than i have in years, and i'm not entirely sure where that's coming from. he passed away suddenly in his sleep, without any warning, back in 2011, just weeks before my high school graduation. i remember the morning of his death more than i remember than my grad ceremony. it's a common thing to say but: i am my father's daughter. i look in the mirror and i see him looking back at me, and the older i get the more clear it is.

i see the good things: someone who values laughter and laughs often, someone who shows love for people through actions, someone who loves music, someone with a creative spirit who constantly yearns to make things, someone who loves animals, someone who believes strongly in individualism

but i see the bad things too: someone who isolates themselves to an unhealthy degree, someone who feels this inherent fear over connecting with people, someone who doesn't ask for help even when it's critical, someone who struggles with emotion regulation, someone who harbors a lot of resentment despite trying not to, someone who aches for the numbness that comes with alcohol

he was an alcoholic, and i don't feel bad saying that because he would've openly admitted that to anyone who asked. he said it to me many times during our nightly "bonding" sessions during the last couple years of his life, which was essentially both of us on our own computers doing our own thing while he drank and drank and drank and told me to be quiet about it, keep it secret, and proceeded to say horrible things about my mom and me and my siblings. but i was expected to sit there and listen. i was raised to be his "best friend", i wasn't his daughter. and i have worked very hard to forgive him for that, but it still stings sometimes.

some days i want nothing more than to yell at him, now that i'm older and i have a voice of my own and i understand how unfair his treatment of me was. other days i want nothing more than to cry in his arms because despite being scarcely physically affectionate, my dad gave some of the best hugs i've ever felt in my life. i will never forget the two times i can recall him hugging me, those memories come back to me when i'm at my lowest, and i replay his voice saying "i'm proud of you" over and over again in my head.

i see more of him in my personality every single day, and it scares me. i remember how openly he talked about wanting to die, how he told me exactly what songs he wanted played at his funeral just months before he suddenly passed. it was as if he knew it was going to happen, but he was always at peace with it. unfortunately i see those thoughts and feelings in me lately. i have written letters, countless times. i know exactly what song i would want played at a funeral, though admittedly i wouldn't really want one in the first place. i am at peace with the idea of not waking up one day. but that scares me.

ever since the holidays last year, i've been pulling back more and more from everyone around me. and i don't know if people notice, i try not to think about it because it sends me down a thought spiral that only makes me feel even worse. truly? i don't think people would notice that much if i died, it's not as if i'm very present in people's lives as it is. i simply don't have the energy to be. i have little faith in my ability as a friend. i look at everyone around me, at the friendships they've cultivated, at the bonds they have, and i wonder how it is that people can so easily find connection with others. my entire life it's felt like a battle. on the rare occasions that i do feel like a part of something, it fades after a few months and i feel like i'm back at square one, like i have to restart. that cycle has followed me my entire life.

and that's sort of where i am right now. i don't feel at home anywhere. i don't feel important. if i were to look at myself from someone else's point of view, i imagine that i'm the person who's special when it's convenient. someone who exists to build up other people, to help them move forward in life. and that's not a bad thing, in fact i love having a positive impact on people or helping them when i can, but when i've been used up and i'm not useful or interesting anymore, i feel like i'm often tossed to the side. i have always felt replaceable. i've been told i'm lackluster, that my personality is nothing special, that i'm one-note, that i offer nothing. and i am starting to latch on to those words more and more every day.

but back to my dad: something he frequently told me was that i "don't need people" and that "they will just use you and hurt you" and i fully believed that for most of my life. it wasn't until i was in my early 20s that i started to realize how lonely life was, so i tried making friends. but my toxic traits came to bite me in the ass, every single time. whether that was the period of time where i was an undiagnosed bipolar neck-deep in an explosive manic phase, or frequent phases where i simply backed away from everyone out of self-preservation, until i was ultimately forgotten. i fear i'm reaching that point again, and it's so frustrating because i have done so much internal work. for years. and it's like those words keep coming back. people will hurt me. maybe i've always been meant to be alone. i don't like that reality, but again: the older i get, the more i feel myself becoming a loner who craves connection but fears it so deeply that it doesn't seem worth it anymore.

in an ideal world, i would be a faceless artist who creates things for herself and anyone else who likes it. someone who doesn't necessarily need anyone, doesn't desire connection, is satisfied with being by herself all the time. but the truth is that's not what i am. i crave connection so much it makes me sick. but i don't know how to get it. i don't know how to feel secure in any of my relationships with anyone. maybe i'm not capable of it. i'm one of the weakest people i know in terms of emotions, i have to be handled so delicately and it feels so unfair to expect that sort of delicacy and care from anyone. i never saw it growing up, i was surrounded by silent rage that festered until emotional blowups happened, and i was expected to fix things, i was expected to mend those relationships. i was a child. and i still feel like a child. i still feel like that girl that's constantly on high alert waiting to take care of other people so i'll feel at least some semblance of worth. all while i fight to ignore my own wants and needs. i am just so tired of feeling so worthless. i want someone to take care of me for once. and i'm afraid that's never going to happen, that maybe my dad was right all along.

#jesus christ this is long lmfao #im being extremely open and candid here but please don't feel obligated to read this #only necessary if you fully want to know where my head is and want more context for my self-imposed isolation

[courtofmatchups]

ooo could i possibly get an obey me matchup? :) i’m an aries, entp, bi, she/they pronouns

i’m about 5’8 with shoulder length hair that’s relatively straight. i like to wear crop tops and high waisted stuff, my fashion taste is pretty androgynous overall and is kind of an 80s/90s vibe. i almost never wear makeup or do my hair. and i’m always bumping into things so i have several bruises at any given time

i make comics and i’m a grad student TA. i have a caffeine addiction and the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. i’m known for my ability to remain calm and optimistic, and also for being relatively quiet but when i do speak it’s always something out of pocket. i’m not shy i just don’t got shit to say. i love to help people and also make them laugh and/or cry with my art

hobbies/interests/likes: gossiping, funny movies, making playlists, singing/karaoke, acting, writing screenplays and songs, drawing/animating, traveling, going on walks/hikes, sending cursed images in the groupchat, and every animal in the world except dogs and spiders. love any excuse to wear some sort of costume or goofy outfit

dislikes: i hateeee cooking it’s so boring. also hate being dirty i can’t function when i feel gross. not a fan of loud music or weed/cig smell either so i don’t go to parties/clubs often. i have massive sensory issues when it comes to bad smells. i dislike routine too i love change and challenging norms. i couldn’t be with someone who gets secondhand embarrassment easily cuz i’ll be weird in public and not care. in fact i’d hope that my partner would join me

my red flags are i’m terrified of aging and being undesirable and there is not a single body part that i haven’t been insecure about at some point. i’m stubborn and i’m a complainer i love kvetching about random shit. i am rather skittish and look scared/confused all the time like a wild rabbit. i don’t bring much to the table tbh but i can make you laugh i am always eager to try new things and my heart is true. i imagine i’d be pretty low maintenance in a relationship, as long as u are nice to me and don’t cheat on me we’re good

It seems to me you have captured the heart of...

The Scummy Second-Born,

Mammon!

:0

Someone who is chaotic as he is?? And smart as hell?? He's already interested. And as he learns more about you, that interest soon spirals into infatuation. But Mammon, being the tsundere he is, will try to deny these feelings, and ultimately fail. You're just *that* charming

Your sense of humour is what stands out to him the most. It's a little juvenile, but that's what he likes (Lucifer, prepare yourself for some bad joke induced migraines). And your calm and optimistic nature is something he can get behind. And when you say something completely unhinged, it might take him aback at first, but it'll grow on him

A lot of his interests line up with yours, like karaoke and movies, so you can expect him to take you to karaoke palours and to movie theatres. If it ever gets to crowded or too noisy, he'll get you someplace calmer and quieter as soon as possible. He'll notice it pretty quickly, as he's pretty observant, especially when it comes to you (in a wholesome way that doesn't make you feel like you're being viewed under a microscope, that is)

Whenever the two of you are apart, you can expect him to send you lots of cursed images to you also. Of course, you cannot forget about the unhinged yet wholesome texts you send to each other

You draw comics? Mammon LOVES that about you too, so please, draw a silly little comic about your misadventures. He's not gonna sell them though. You made those comics especially for him. As money-hungry as he is, those comics hold a special place in his heart.

He can understand your distaste for being dirty (he lives with Asmo after all), so he'll send you care packages with cute little soaps, shampoos, and different body lotions

You don't have to worry about Mammon ever cheating on you, as he's clingy as hell

If you ever overwork yourself from a caffeine-induced high (being a grad student TA is no walk in the park), he's gonna drag you to sleep. Please do not resist

In a nutshell, your relationship would look like this:

#court of matchups #obey me matchups #obey me otome #obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me mammon #om! mammon #mammon x reader #mammon avatar of greed

[emeralddoeadeer]

One year ago today

Everlong was completed...

I can hardly believe that it's been that long. I still think of them regularly and get a thrill with every new kudos or comment from new and past readers alike. I still have conversations with the superfans who hear a single song, or think of a scene and send themselves (and often me) on a spiral of rereads.

My unending thanks to you all for the support and appreciation

The poll still has a couple days left, but fairly overwhelming results in favour of some extras...

I'll be working on how to do this soon, some may be drabble length, and some might be longer (not old chapter length though!)

#everlong #jily #appreciation post #everlong-er to come #prompts welcome

[edge-oftheworld]

“yknow as a fandom I think we could do a better job of appreciating Sierra Deaton”

No just have less appreciating Sierra cause she’s been anti-black, a creep towards fans, invalidated a 5sos fan’s mental health because they’re a fan, trauma dumped on young fans and overshared, slut shamed Ashton, and so on and so forth

hey anon!! Thanks for this concise little list. But seriously, thanks for making me think and pull together a bunch of ideas in my head; I hope in this essay really you can see some of my thought process. I can’t imagine how hard it’d be to be reaching out with something really hard and expect compassion and get a negative interaction instead—if that was you or whoever it is I hope they’re doing better and finding community and people who care. And I don’t want to pretend she’s perfect or has done everything right, we know that’s not how it is, Sierra knows that, Luke knows that, so does, idk, God.

and I’ll admit I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to cancelling people and I do like to try and see the good in people where possible—sometimes imo it’s the only way to get any positive change. to look beyond the superficial where someone might lash out—is it in malice, or fear, a momentary impulse they might regret later or maybe realise for some reason were pushed to a point where they couldn’t manage anything better. I know I’ve been to that point and I know how I spiral if I don’t know how to forgive myself. I also know this is a fandom where shit gets real and we’re young and hurting and sometimes that just makes us defenceless against our idols and those around them being human, and the shitty side of human we all have potential to become too. And we live in an era of systemic racism and lack of access to mental health services which both causes and exacerbates so many issues that, was the world not so anti-black; had every mentally ill child and youth a support network in real life (instead of the way many of us often spend years only ever feeling seen by the songs we listen to, 5sos songs easily filling in that need)—we might be a little more able to be like ‘wtf that’s not cool but that’s a her problem’ and move on. and can I say we do deserve a world that doesn’t discriminate. And in order to get what we deserve we have to make it. and in order to make it we have to learn how to do better and let people learn to do better—these people aren’t going anywhere. somehow bad people have to turn into good people and yes in order to do that they have to be made accountable. Repentance is truly a beautiful thing; it’s also something that can’t happen when we feel scared and in our survival brain. When we feel like that we tend to easily get into us vs them and dig deeper into our (often wrong) convictions and that’s actually an evolutionary response to when we have to fight against predators; we don’t have time to think ‘but what if they’re actually in the right’ when we’re fighting for our lives.

and this isn’t the place to psychoanalyse Sierra. I don’t know exactly what goes on in her head, I don’t know if she’s sorry or even remembers these things but I do know the rift between her and fans has been quite heated and even scary at some points over the years. And maybe I have the privilege of never being someone who has been hurt by her to have grace for the fact that ‘gotta be nice to this fan they’re having an experience of a lifetime to be interacting with my partner and I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt that they’re not one of the individuals in a sea of fans who all look identical to me sending me death threats’ is a hell of a lot to put your brain through every single day. If she (and it’s not if, we know she did) make mistakes. If there was too much trauma to hold and she put it out on the internet to cope in a season of her life. If the insecurity became jealousy of one of the most important people in her s/o’s life which became insults that were thrown around back in high school before everyone realised how uncool they were and tried to stop using them but they were still burned in their brains to come out on impulse (I actually have no idea how that specific event went down, or if there were one or multiple). I hope they sorted that out internally; I don’t know what else I can do but trust that it’s something they’re capable of doing and care for each other enough as a group of friends and songwriters to do.

I wanted to save the lateral racism example for last because I feel like everything above is kind of a metaphor for it, if you follow. I’m coming from a place where I’m southeast asian and part white living in a largely western country, so is Sierra, so I’m automatically going to see her as ‘like me’ (and can I say how rarely I get this kind of representation?) whereas if you’re black, or if you find your experience more relatable to blackness, then you’re going to experience this very differently. I can’t know your experience. I also know that asians can be brutal in this area: it’s the reason my childhood best friend hasn’t told her dad she got engaged to her partner nearly a year ago. Lateral racism isn’t okay. But unfortunately what happens is often when you’re discriminated against in some ways we’re conditioned to take the side of the oppressor against someone who’s discriminated against in other ways. It’s all ‘okay maybe I’m x and I should be y but at least I’m not z’ and again it’s that evolutionary survival instinct to not be at the bottom of the pile; channeled in horrible ways into today’s society. It takes a lot of effort and self awareness to be like ‘we’re united in this experience of being oppressed, together we have the power to make a stand that this is Not Cool’ and most of us fail the first few times. but what’s important is we keep trying. we can all heal together when we do.

so anon I have no idea who you are or your background or how much you’ve had to wrestle with this yourself, if you’ve had to stand up against communities who were hostile, if you’ve had to do this while being discriminated against from outside as well, if you know the experience of not fully being one race but not fully being another etc. and also you’ve got no obligation to like Sierra, this is such unsolicited advice but this whole release period for boy ep I’ve really just been thinking ‘it’s healthy to feel our feelings even when it’s not always pleasant isn’t it’ and wherever that hurt is please love it embrace it bring it into the light whatever you do to realise you’re valuable and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. even your mistakes and where you’ve hurt people and regret that, you’re gonna grow so much from that and have so many chances to do better. maybe you’re young and you haven’t had the chance to hurt anyone yet. I hope you manage to stay that way but if you do, I hope you can forgive yourself too. I hope you dip your toes in activism for Black Lives Matter, for mental health, for sex positivity, I can see you really value these things and that’s really encouraging to see.

and in the end: sometimes I have to be annoyingly human and come down to the fact that I really enjoy the songs that Sierra writes. I’ve fanned enough about gothic summer on this blog already. I enjoy the things she writes and so I listen to them, and I’m not actively boycotting Sierra specifically, I love the creative outcomes when she works with 5sos as a whole, with Luke, with other artists I love as well. As a result I do care about her as a person, I always do, and hey, I respect her funny little routine donations and the undertones of her UNICEF donation back in October and the random animal sanctuary and the occasional nod to some Australian mental health charity.

I’ve inferred a lot about how much more relaxed and at ease and free to feel things and process life at his own pace Luke seems to be with her than beforehand—and the fan in me who’s so protective of these guys just desperately wants someone to be there for them in ways that really matter and I feel like we have seen that, even despite the often rocky nature of the relationship between Sierra and Luke’s fans. Luke is someone I relate to a lot, and there are some experiences that are really hard to come back from, and I’m really proud of him right now and I do get the impression being with Sierra has really helped him get there. I don’t know for sure, I could be wrong, but I’m always going to be grateful when celebrities get to be human and not have their lives and choices dictated by fans either directly or indirectly. I’ll take the allies I can in my activism and even if there are criticisms around sincerity I do generally see Sierra trying and I want to appreciate that. I don’t want to say she hasn’t hurt anyone ever and I pray for resolution and peace for the fans, for Ashton, for her, for the Black community in general, for everyone who’s been hurt in the wake of colonialism and the generational trauma it breeds. And then I’ll go listen to bloodline and think, maybe in some ways we were born inheriting the sins of our parents before we knew better. But every day I discover ways of choosing better and compassion takes us so far and I hope every day I learn a bit more about how to channel that.

thank you for the ask, it really got me thinking and the opportunity to compile some thoughts I’d had that I didn’t realise formed a neat little mindmap around Sierra as a case study!! Much more fun than regular sociology. And I didn’t even get to delve into the political history of Saigon that I’ve been trying to understand more about!!

#decolonisation ariel strikes again #doesn’t capture global racism and the impacts of power structures perfectly I know but it’s my best #and I feel like it needed to be said so. there’s so much art to creating a better world honestly #I hope the activist in you finds this essay satisfying #sierra deaton #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #sorry if the first paragraph comes across a bit bitchy I genuinely had no idea where to start #I think I get nicer as it goes on but hopefully it wasn’t bitchy to begin with but like. if it was that’s on me #should I have an asks tag?? I don’t think I get many on this blog #anyway don’t mind my sorting tags I use for my main idk if it even works to bring them here #silver bridges #decolonise #decolonisation #<-should check which one it is lol; if you saw this from the tag expecting a decolonisation post I hope this wasn’t too weird

[heretolurkandnothingmore]

Hello tumblr friend!

Sending this off to a few mutuals in efforts to be more social, so please enjoy a random ask :) No pressure to answer if you do not want to, of course!

Which SW movie is your favorite cinematically speaking, and which is your favorite just because it’s a good ol’ fashioned comfort movie? (quality be damned!) Either live action or animated.

Which is your least favorite? Could be for any reason. Wasted potential, acting, plot, directing, pacing, etc.

*pretends it’s my sw blog asking, signed @fem-anakin-skywalker*

Hi there! Good to hear from you! Yeah, no worries, I figured out the side blog thing a couple tag games ago) Thank you for sending this random ask, I am enjoying it 💜 Feel free to send more))

So, let's see...

Let's get the least favourite out of the way - I don't actually think of the sequels. Ever. Most of the times I forget they exist. It's not like the Star Trek Reboot (that sends me spiraling into the burning fury of a thousand suns), I don't hate the sequels, just have no real desire to watch them. So I guess that's that)

Now, to the positives.

Favourite cinematography-wise is RotS. Because so much of it is a carefully choreographed ballet, a sort of crescendo chord in a song with a damn long and complicated intro. This beauty rarely gleamed makes the goofier parts feel almost inevitable, like they're balancing out the weight of the tragedy you're watching unfold. I know every single prequel meme by heart at this point, and still weep a little at the ending. That's how it works out)

The comfort movie for me is a toss-up between AotC and ANH. AotC is actually eclipsed by TCW, but there's still something so enticing to my brain about the good times that are ending in this movie. Kind of like that scene in Merlin Season 4 where they celebrate a long period of prosperity - that happiness is so close we can taste it, but the story won't let us in to see it. Also, Coruscant as a setting just scratches an itch my inner architecture lover suffers every day. For tiered cities, futuristic nightclubs, all that jazz. (Now I'm thinking about Star Wars characters in Chicago the Movie Musical's outfits. Saving this as a drawing idea for later))

Anyway, I watched AotC while sick with a fever once and it altered my brain chemistry.

To explain ANH - I love the OT's movies equally, but the first one is the one I watch with the little ones most often, and it just has that nostalgia for me. Haven't seen it until adulthood, so it's not nostalgia for being young, it's more the aesthetic of old movies that I enjoy immensely. Practical effects especially (Star Trek TOS lover reporting for duty). The imperious ambitions coupled with shabbiness and dictatorship vibes remind me of my hometown :D

That's about it! What's your opinions on these movies? And what's your answer to your own questions, I want to know))

#ask #love ask games #beloved mutual #hello!!

[pigeonwit]

hullo pidge!

ive got three for you: ✄ , ✦, ♡. i already forgot what each of them means, but i trust that you can check the list and know. (for the one thats about comments u can choose what fic its for xx)

also notre dame by paris paloma as vice vermin virtue is so accurate literally everytime i hear that song i think of triple v

sneep you really feed my need to just talk about things all the time and i love it thank you so much for feeding my inane ramblings.

✄ what’s your editing process?

,,, yknow i dont think i really have one? like for oneshots and stuff i just sort of write it all down and try to see if it all Works for the character's POV and the story i want to tell. i try to break it up into segments so i can look over it piece by piece instead of slogging through the whole thing afterwards (cause i hate that and hating it makes me rush through it and that's how i make mistakes) but that's kind of it - for oneshots at least. for stories that i intend to keep adding to i want to make sure everything's followable, like character motivations and mental states and etc etc, so i go scene by scene and REALLY scrape over it. i have a bit in rbr4 that i've revisited at least eight times now because it's just not QUITE getting davey's motivations down the way i want. and then once i'm done analysing all those sections and fitting them together, i normally go to @rebuke-me for beta-ing just to make sure everything's flowing in an understandable way. i don't really do first and second drafts because i've already been drafting every scene bit by bit, so when i'm all done i just proofread as best i can and send it off to jupes if she's not too busy. unfortunately i do occasionally make some little mistakes (repeating a word or phrase too much, mixing up my metaphors, some small grammar stuff, etc) and i have a PROBLEM of getting too bogged down in little details that don't matter, but fanfictions a hobby, not a profession, and treating it like a profession is always what ruins it for me, so i prefer my casual editing process. it's not perfect, but i wouldn't be enjoying myself if it was.

✦ what was your easiest fic to write & your hardest?

ayyy this is. hm. probably 'matches' since it was so short, and i had the idea just kind of pop into my head fully formed. it's literally just one snippet of jack and davey's lives so it was pretty easy to get down. and the hardest is absolutely 'run boy run'. it's every single davey thought i've ever had written into a loveletter to my own autistic experience, which is... taxing, and on top of that it's a bit of a struggle to keep davey's motivations and character clear without projecting too much of myself onto him. but it's my baby and i love it dearly, and even if i don't get it all out perfectly it's still going to be my most treasured fic.

♡ pick a fic and I’ll pick a comment that made me really happy

without a doubt this goes to the comment left by ao3 user 'tablesaltiv' on 'say you came on first (i think you came on fine)' - it's too long for me to feel comfortable putting it in this post, and honestly i'd feel a little vain even if i did, but it's probably the most reassuring comment i've ever gotten. i stopped writing fanfiction when i was around sixteen/seventeen due to a very VERY big personal spiral and didn't post any again until i was twenty. i was REALLY scared of posting 'say you came on first' because it was probably the most character-studyish thing i'd ever done before, and i was. very stupidly paranoid that i had completely misunderstood the characters and should just call it quits again - and then tablesaltiv left their very lovely comment saying that having seen the show live themselves, my fic felt entirely accurate. it was incredibly reassuring for me and filled me with a lot of confidence, and even though i know i'm never going to understand these characters FLAWLESSLY, i at least feel confident enough to think that i understand them well - and now i'm still here and writing a very ambitious fic that i'm worrying about a LOT, but i'm determined to finish anyways :) thank you tablesaltiv

(also - i know i can't REALLY count this since it's not on a fic like the ask game said but i have to say thank you to YOU, sneep, for saying that you think about one of my own silly little fanfics every time you listen to a song?? that's crazy to me. i can't believe that. that's so kind and meaningful in ways i can't put into words. like. holy shit my fic exists in your brain. i can't believe that. so yeah that made me extra happy too fshhs)

#sneep you are an incredibly encouraging person and hearing from you is wonderful :)) #newsies #ask #sneepsnoopboopideeboop #long post #fic thoughts

[styrmwb]

Favorite Final Fantasy Music (FFXIV - A Realm Reborn)

something something critically acclaimed mmo something something IT'S THE SECOND FF MMO BABYYYYYYYYY!!!! This game is what really started my personal FF renaissance, as I really only played a couple games growing up and watched a lot of them being played, but this is what activated my brain. It was all downhill from the moment I logged into Limsa. If you're reading this, you're on the internet. You know people love this game, you know people won't shut up about this game, and it's for good reason! This game fucks! And you know what helps this game fuck? Its soundtrack fucks!!! XIV has the big dog himself Masayoshi Soken take over as the music director, and my man is god's gift to earth (as well as the rest of the XIV music team who's names are harder to find and credit but I know they're there and they're putting their whole fantussy into it). Like XI, I cannot do this game justice putting it into one list since it's basically multiple games in one, so I will be making lists per expansion again (and that still feels like it's doing it dirty this list was so hard). Let's get started with the definitely first part of this game (no there's no other part what huh) and have me share my favorite ARR songs :)

5. On Westerly Winds Ohhhhh my god. This was probably the first song that really caught my attention when I first started playing the game, which a first area should do! I love La Noscea and this song is half of the reason why. Something about that first melody and the sound of the strings; it's amazing. This song goes through multiple different phases. The intro feels grand, starting off your adventure, then it feels like you're running around the hills of Middle La Noscea; then it feels like a party in a tavern, people loudly cheering and having fun and toasting their barrel mugs of mead, finally calming down in a windy, spiraling, chaotic way to move to something befitting the night, with this amazing mystical finale turning into the sun rising and starting the song over. This song DEFINES La Noscea and the people's lives in it. Musically, I love the percussion, I love the strings, I love the bagpipes, I love the choir towards the end; this song was the first hook that this game put in my head.

4. Dawn of a New Era The only reason that this song is not higher, is that it's Too Goddamn Short. One minute long. But this one minute? Pure emotion. Pure joy. This is the song that plays at the end of the ARR cinematic trailer, but also at the end of the campaign. This song is both a finale, but also as it says, a dawn, a new beginning. The short, plucky start building you up, letting the dialogue occur or to put you back into place after some massive, world ending event. Then the horns come in blasting cheer at you, and one of the most fun bass tracks I've ever heard. The choir shouts at you with the main theme of the entire series, the orchestra plays the prelude, and the entire song plays off with the fucking victory theme. Every single sound in this entire song is amazing, and the way it's composed, the emotion behind the melodies in game, but also for the series as a whole, this is triumph and victory incarnate. When I heard them use this melody later on in Myths of the Realm? Dude I swear I teared up at every song. I still tear up at this song when I hear it. WHY CAN'T IT BE LONGER GODDAMMIT I PUT IT ON LOOP LIKE 7 TIMES BEFORE I'M SATISFIED

3. Through the Maelstrom LEVIATHAN, LEVIATHAN! LEVIATHAN, LEVIATHAN! My favorite summon. My favorite primal. This song is absolutely perfect for what it is, while keeping that rock that XIV is now known for. I can't really explain it, but the guitar riffs SOUND like a storm at sea. They sound like violent, crashing waves. The lyrics are coming straight from the Sahagin chanting and praying for their lord; "Endless! Send us! Breathless! Deathless! Restless! Test us! Tend us! Mend us!", this song sounds like everything is going against you, both the weather and the people all around you. As a song? IT FUCKING ROCKS. The rhythm of the whole thing is a headbanger, and my absolute favorite part is right after the second loop of the chorus, the SWELL, YE SEAS OF OLD section (this is so much easier to place specific parts with the lyrics), it sounds like a modernized surf rock jam, the lyrics are really fun to sing along to (once you understand them), and it's just an absolute joy. I wish this song played the entire time so it made farming all the Leviathan weapons less painful. (WHITE FUUUUURYYYYYYY, BLINDING INDIGOOOOOOOOO)

2. Under the Weight Can you tell I'm a Limsa Lominsa bitch? All of my favorite songs come from this area lmao. I feel like this spot really goes to every song in Titan's fight; On Westerly Winds was where the soundtrack hooked me, but Under the Weight is where I realized this soundtrack was Built Different. Heavy rock in my fantasy RPG? What the fuck??? The heavy drums throughout the entire song, the guitar rocking out, and the vocals screaming and chanting at you, this song is a headbanger through and through, but shows you the intensity of this fight. Kobolds all around you jumping and beating their fists, chanting for their god while Titan slams and knocks you around. This song sounds like an earthquake, and I mean, come on, rock for the rock monster? Absolutely yes. I feel like I'm bouncing for the whole song, with the way the drums beat, but also when the lyrics go solo, saying more than just the "BOWDOWNOVERDWELLER TITAN!", and those are definitely my favorite parts. I also love midway through, with the echoey fading out yelling to the really cool like, pipey sounding guitar. I feel like I'm just gonna keep repeating myself, but it's not hard to see why this song is so amazing. (INTO THE DARK OF AN ENDLESS NIGHT WHERE THE PULSE OF THE LAND OFFERS NO RESPITE)

1. Tempest I feel like everyone knows Under the Weight, it's mandatory content. We all know how good that song is. But you know what not as many people have done? The Binding Coils of Bahamut. This is the song of the final boss in the Second Coils, aka the fight against the main villain of the game leading up to Bahamut exploding everything. This song is also one of the few XIV songs that Uematsu did, and it feels like he took the soul of IX and brought it into the modern era. It has the rock, it has the synth, it even has the souls of the damned again! The intro is incredible, with the heavy hits and the guitar riffs alongside the SHHHHHEEEEEWWWWWWWW synth sounds. The piano/organ playing off right before the song hard stops, bringing in these haunting wails and the classic "Hear. Feel. Think" Hydaelyn chant; then it goes hard again. The drums slam. The guitars shred. The terror truly begins. The song builds up further and further with one of my favorite synth sounds EVER. This sounds like you're facing off against an absolutely demonic evil (which you are!), and the wailing coming back playing along side everything???? DUDE. HOLY FUCK. The build up in this whole song goes absolutely insane, but when it actually starts going is incredible too. I've pretty much already said my praises for every instrument used in this song, and the rest is just going to be me repeating it. I love all the melodies, I love the heavy off beats, and I just love the jamming from both the rock and techno ends. This is The Black Mages all over again.

Honorable mentions go to (there's gonna be so many in all these lists): Torn from the Heavens, Hard to Miss, Fallen Angel, Reflections, Ultima, Spiral, Fury, Rise of the White Raven, Thunder Rolls, Oblivion, and Primogenitor.

#final fantasy #final fantasy xiv #textpost #jared's final fantasy music opinions

[hidefdoritos]

I've been put on a steroid to help me beat this infection and boy howdy I hate it.

mental breakdown, food mention, SA mention, dysphoria, giant text wall, and a lot of relationship rambling under the cut. feel free to scroll. I am safe.

it feels like my brain has been lifted out and placed in a hot air balloon that is also a carousel. the balloon is piloting my body around. my body is extra sweaty and also jittery and little nauseous. the carousel of my brain is so anxious and cannot focus and is going Nine Million Miles Per Hour spiraling So Hard. i have 4 quizzes and an exam to do. i can't find an empty classroom without A Couple hanging out to "study" (in adjacent chairs, all but sitting in each other's laps) so I'm doing the exams from one of the music practice rooms and I can hear two pianists playing in different keys and it's driving me crazy and also I'm typing so much faster than I usually do and speaking fast too I think. i can't go back to my room because if my roommate is there and asks me what's wrong with me I'm gonna just cry because I'm spiraling SO HARD right now especially about how I'm single and my roommate is just gonna feel awkward and bad because she has a boyfriend and her entire identity is wrapped around him and she knows I envy that. oh gosh someone is playing a sad song and i'm actually going to cry about it. can't tell my other friend because she got broken up with Brutally over the summer and I don't want to make her sad. can't tell the other friend because she just got engaged. can't talk to the other friend because she asked a boy out for coffee and is texting the play by play about that. it's the same boy I wanted to ask out for coffee but i can't ruin her fun by saying so. i don't want to talk to a single person about it because I don't want to make them sad too but I don't want to talk to a dating/married person about it because they can't relate. don't want to talk to my ace friend because he can't relate. can't tell the other friend because that would require reaching for my phone and if I get on my phone I'll never get the schoolwork done. my screentime is over 8 hours today and I'm still not done. i have the world's most unmotivated group for my group project and I'm supposed to be leading and I've been sick for a month and the interview just fell through and nobody has stepped up to help. I'm so far behind I need to either get better or drop out. the costumes crew is waiting on me. i have paperwork due. everybody is better than me at everything. i scheduled work during the Thursday dress rehearsal. i'm in no way ready for the Friday concert. my stomach hurts from the antibiotic. i want to burst into tears but I'm so congested that I think a gallon of fluid would come straight out of my head and I've been trying so hard to hydrate. my laptop is in my lap and every time I look down I can see my chest which I usually don't feel dysphoric about but I guess that (and also sense-memories) decided to crawl out of the woodwork just for the heck of it because why not kick Moss while she's down I guess. my thrifted boots aren't actually leather and they're peeling. i'm wearing my split skirt and it looks incredible. i did such a bad job of painting my nails. why is there a mirror in this practice room. ironically the bottom of it cuts off between m neck and my shoulders, which is where I feel disconnected right now. my foot is going to sleep. i feel manic and depressive at the same time. my laptop is hot. i've been writing this post for 12 minutes and i think it helped. even if stuff isn't done it's helping to put all the thoughts out there. like venting a rice cooker. oh gosh I should be asleep already. i need to shower and go to bed. i already got a one day extension for this midterm i just need to go do it. i need to shower still. nooooo I have to deal with my naked body. i'm crying. why is this sending me over the edge? i'm gonna have to sit down in the shower tonight. oh no. on the one hand right now i have all the feelings of This Is Getting Bad Again that usually precede a serious low point in my life. however to be fair this is the first time i'm letting myself process any of the emotions from the last month of being sick. i just kept carrying on and collapsing over and over. ah, poor kid. i've been trying so hard.

#cj rambles #moss's musings #medical tw #steroid tw #sa tw #food tw #prednisone posting

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

for writing prompts, I've always been a sucker for character studies, and I thought the contrast between John's very reserved routine where he was just cooped up in Kenwood vs. Paul's "king of swinging london" lifestyle post-touring years was very influential in their dynamics later on (think this was discussed in the Rob Sheffield ep. of AKOM), and dunno if it's your preferred kind of writing style - but I always loved the inner voices you gave each of them in ILTY, so would love your take on it!

inspired by you calling Paul a king instead of prince, which is the word I've seen more often :) this didn't end up being about their dynamic exactly and I went sort of off the rails in terms of style lol, but I hope you still enjoy <3

Diarchy ~1.1k words

(from Greek δι-, di-, "double", and -αρχία, -arkhía, "ruled")

“One day, you four will be bigger than Elvis,” Brian told them.

John can still recall Paul’s chuckle.

“Sir, that’s very kind of you and we are sort of brilliant, but no need for false flattery.”

Brian Epstein, immediately taken with Macca’s charm, which the leather trousers and greased hair only superficially concealed, broke into a smile.

“Believe me, I am not in the business of false flattery.” Then he locked eyes with John, with a stare so disarming it reaches across time and space and sends shivers down his spine right now, as he lies in bed, searching for motivation to get up.

Bigger than the King —  every day, it’s getting harder to deny it, John realizes, as he pulls the covers up to his chin. Only, at some point, perhaps when he came face-to-face with Elvis himself, all of it – the money, the recognition, the power – became meaningless to him. Now, all he feels is the unimaginable weight of the crown, pulling him down and tightening around his brain, the burden of his medals squeezing his heart and making it ever more difficult to breathe.

Christ, does he want a cigarette right now.

Once again, his stubborn laziness has been defeated by a debilitating craving. John crawls off the king-sized mattress, so large that some nights he isn’t sure Cyn actually shares it with him. After putting on his glasses, he dons a dressing gown, which hangs off his shoulders like a royal mantle.

He is like Louis XIV, he thinks, slowly walking down the steps of Kenwood. He’s been reading a lot of history books lately, one of the only activities he still seems to enjoy, and the parallels haunt him. Here he is, in his closed-off palace, sequestered away from the capital and, whether intentionally or not, from life itself.

Here comes the Sun King, he thinks, floating into the kitchen, where Cyn sits at the table.

He is like Henry VIII, he thinks, rather off-handedly at first, simply in-keeping with the theme of over-indulgent regents — before falling into a minor spiral over what this comparison means for his current marriage.

He may have a son, but he is more and more becoming convinced that what he needs, his wife cannot provide.

He is like King Solomon, glued to his throne and writing his songs; apparently an authority on love and God even, appointed by birth, that is to say, by rotten luck. People come to him, seeking his wisdom, for they have dubbed him “the Smart One”, even whilst he spoils his sense of self, dropping acid and hallucinating three hundred concubines.

He is like Tutankhamun, the fallen Pharaoh; doomed young, buried in gold and treasure, the mask he wears remembered in lieu of his actual face.

How he longs for someone to finally open his crypt; how he fears for whomever might stumble upon it and suffer his curse.

*   *   *

Bigger than Jesus, Paul thinks, stepping through the gate at Cavendish Avenue. He doesn’t know why John’s misquoted words are in his head at this hour. It is so late that the street lanterns are dark and not a single fan is there to greet him.

As he comes down from the various highs of the evening – the party, the art, the coke – he finds himself contemplating the comparative.

“You’ve really gone and done it this time, haven’t you, John?” he remembers saying, his best friend half-smirking at him, in an attempt to cover up his profound fear of the disaster he had caused.

“Didn’t say ‘bigger’, did I? Wouldn’t’ve been wrong, though, if I had…”

Paul, unable to keep up his frustration for long, smiled.

“And what does that make us, then?”

John’s eyes glinted.

“Kings of King of kings.”

It’s overwhelming, Paul thinks, entering his quiet townhouse, while remembering his wild night — the celebrations may end, but the music playing in his head never does. Most moments, he is thankful for it, drinking up experiences and ideas alongside the free-flowing booze, but some dark minutes like this one, he wishes for peace; the kind he found so easily as a child, content to daydream on the back seat of a bus.

Everyone wants to speak with him now, everyone wants his consideration and stamp of approval, but the worst part: Paul wants everything, too. He’s not sure when it happened, but there is a looming sense that he’s walked past some point of no return, and he now feels a hunger inside him that will never be quelled.

Paul shakes the rain off his umbrella then hangs it up on his mahogany coat hanger, lifting it as if it were a sceptre. In the dim light, his silk shirt gleams like battle armour, like the glistening personality he has learned to put on when surrounded by crowds.

He is like King Arthur, he thinks, making his way toward the garden for one last smoke before bed; he’s been revisiting stories from his childhood as well as ones he never got around to, in an attempt to understand better. Although he tries desperately to re-distribute the reign he was bestowed with evenly across his Round Table, he will never not be the stand-out sovereign among his peers.

He draws a ciggie from his pack like the sword from the stone.

He is like Alexander the Great. He has built an empire atop another, once thought undefeatable, all before the humble age of thirty. He longs to herald in a new era of cultural sharing, and the fact he does indeed hold the power to do so is tantalizingly terrifying.

He is also plagued by a foreboding that the instant he gives in and lets himself relax, he will drop dead and with him his dominion disintegrate.

Although he tries to stop himself, Paul thinks he may be like the emperor from Andersen’s tale, clad in nothing before all his intimidated subjects. After all this time, he has never quite been able to shake the feeling that he is secretly embarrassing himself and, one day, a few words coming from the most ostensibly innocuous of sources will bring his entire kingdom down.

He is like Odysseus, King of Ithaca; so intoxicated with the thrill of adventure that he may never find his way home, all the while watching those around him give in to their fleeting desires or the whims of wily tricksters, only to pay the ultimate price.

And when it’s been this long, who at home might still be waiting for him to return? Who will grieve?

#<333333 #sorry I feel like I kind of didnt fully hit the mark on your prompt I just got really Really into this motif lol #anyways please do let me know what you think :) #fic #ask #anon #fiona.docx

[silks-up-my-sleeve]

Ghost Mutuals Tag Game 🦇 Send this to the last ten Ghesties in your notifications, then reply here with ten facts about yourself! Let's get to know each other!

Oh my!! Atlas you have NO IDEA how warm n fuzzy this makes me, especially to be perceived in such a cool fandom. Like I'm starstruck honestly lol

1. We're coming up on the anniversary of me graduating college (Dec 9, 2022), I got a bachelor's of science in two majors. Criminology/Criminal Justice and Psychology, aka the reason why I'm so long winded.

2. I bedazzled a denim jacket for my Ghost show based on the lyrics to both Griftwood and Respite on the Spitalfields!!

3. Despite only being a true fan of Ghost for about a year and a half, I knew of them for years. They've been a bucketlist show for me since discovering them in 2017, and my second concert ever was my bucketlist show! My ex was super into Ghost and he saw one of the acoustic sets with Terzo and I have his shirt from said show lol

4. I'm allergic to cats but I used to babysit my former manager's cat on holidays. Star was such a sweetie and I would die a thousand deaths for her.

5. My favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip, to the point I have a tier ranking of every single mint chip on the market.

6. I'm a huge fan of Fall Out Boy as well, to the point when one of the Magic 8 Ball clues was leaked (Gator Bites), I guessed it totally correct. All based on my favorite line from Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today.

7. I'm super into coffee and I have so many different brewing methods, so many specialty coffees. It started in 2020 and it's spiraled since then lol

8. The only semi-famous person I know is Pete Adams from Baroness, only because his brother taught me world history in middle school lol

9. I got to googling when I first got super into boygenius and Lucy's Tarot birth card is The Emperor.... mine is The Empress. Idk I find it so interesting because were 5 years and 3 days apart.

10. My favorite Ghost album is Opus Eponymous, so it makes sense for Ritual to be my number 1 song on Spotify Wrapped this year

#jas answers asks <3 #atlas <3