#doubt ill be making anymore stuff for this fandom but ill most likely just be posting polished versions of old works

[daneesoro]

Pacifying with a kiss after eating his couch cushions

#old piece i accidentally colored #along with that one thing #錆義♀ #doubt ill be making anymore stuff for this fandom but ill most likely just be posting polished versions of old works #fem giyuu #kny #dani art #myart #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #giyuu kny #sabito kny

[nana-dear]

heartstanbyul as an idol group

synopsis — Hearstanbyul dorm in a boy band

characters — Riddle Rosehearts, Cater Diamond, Trey Clover, Ace Trappola & Deuce Spade

note — Short headcanons, mostly to give you guys something to read while I'm working on the masterlist and rule page.

Probably in the spectacle world since a young age. Used to be a child actor because of his mother, and actually played minor roles in some movies. He ended up taking part in some survival shows when he got older.

Since he is the one with more experience, he becomes the leader.

He’s a very strict leader and is often criticized in social media for being “narcissistic”. Then there are the fans who have followed him since his pre-debut era and constantly say stuff like “he would shine more as a solo artist.”

Riddle doesn’t let those comments affect him. He’s been under the public eye for a long time, so even if on bad days he gets taken down by the hate, he always recovers.

He can be strict, but no one in the group doubts he is the best one to rule. He uses his years of experience to help his members. Stays extra hours if someone is struggling with the choreography, or needs to practice their singing.

Also keeps the interviewers and ill-intended people on line. Whenever someone makes a malicious question, he’ll protect his group no matter what, always maintaining composure.

He can do pretty much everything: acting, singing, dancing, and modeling. But doesn’t truly enjoy getting out of his comfort zone.

May be great with the media, but the moment someone yells compliments at him, he gets all red.

Won’t mention it, but he also feels so humiliated by those pictures where his height difference it’s clear. The other members know, because whenever someone tries to take a photo, Riddle sits down.

The face of the group. Many people got invested in the group because of him, but once they know the other members, they end up biasing someone else.

You know someone is new to the fandom if their favorite is Cater.

Is friends with several people in the industry. He always uploads photos with other idols (mostly Lilia and Kalim) or actors. Probably is also the MC in some variety shows.

Has dating scandals all the time, none of them are true.

Makes live videos constantly: during practices, to show his skincare routine, etc, etc… Cater just feeds the fandom so well.

Pranks the other members a lot. No one trusts him anymore. Uploads weird pictures of his group mates, but the moment someone does it to him, he acts all petty.

Definitely surprises everyone from time to time by mentioning popular jokes from the fandom.

“Haha it was a wardrobe malfunction”, shut up Cater. We know you unbutton your shirt before your presentations. Dude could take off his shirt and act as if it was never intended.

Some people accuse him of being only a visual. Acts as if he didn’t care but constantly tries to improve his dancing and singing.

Is called “the group’s dad”. Doesn’t really participate in the joke but won’t deny it.

Riddle and him often have night talks where the leader vents about his worries.

The one who never intended to be an idol, but ended up being recruited by an entertainment company because of his looks.

He would be somewhat involved in writing songs alongside Riddle. But most of the time, they only make slight changes.

Since he doesn’t talk too much about his personal life and doesn’t upload his social media as often as the rest of the members, the moment he does it, it’s a big thing.

Trey also has a lot of famous friends, but unless the other part mentions it, no one discovers it. It shocks everyone when Vil Schoenheit mentions him in one of his posts.

Definitely knows the effect he has on people and will act more bold sometimes to make a reaction. But ends up feeling a bit awkward.

Such a gentleman with female idols. Offers his jacket if he notices they are uncomfortable with their wardrobe and never actually touches them when placing a hand on their shoulders.

He’s probably been offered a lot of contracts. Chose his current company because his brother told him to. That, or because of a random reason like, there’s an excellent restaurant in front of the offices.

The most active in social media after Cater. He also constantly jokes with him.

You either like him or hate him. There’s no middle ground. Ace Trappola your problematic fave UGH

The guy makes random streams at two am on work days. Also uploads a lot of stuff to his ig account and deletes it ten minutes after.

Will find your location and personally MURDER YOU if you ask him to be cute on camera.

He’s friends with a lot of rookie artists.

Manager has one rule for him: shut tf up during interviews.

He either ends up spoiling new projects or saying really dumb stuff like when he admitted believing all eggs were chickens.

Got recruited to be the bad boy of the group and ended being such a sweet boy that they just kept him in.

Terrified of female idols. You can see his hands shake whenever he’s next to one.

That thing when male idols put their hand over a girl’s shoulder without touching her? Yes, that’s Deuce Spade.

There’s a recurrent joke in the media that Deuce is too innocent, so often during interviews and variety games hosts say questionable stuff just to see his reaction.

#twst headcanons #twst hcs #twst riddle #twst cater #twst trey #twst ace #twst deuce #twisted wonderland #riddle rosehearts #cater diamond #trey clover #ace trappola #deuce spade

[slasherrabbitmadness]

I have to say, I thank everyone for the support during the last 4 months!

I initially started this blog to test my writing abilities. Despite the randoms from the last 2 weeks telling me I suck and 'get the characters' wrong, no doubt sent over by an art accounts call-out post. I'd say the slew of compliments over the last months say otherwise in terms of writing.

Writing has been immensely fun. Rewarding even! I really didn't expect my fics to do so well. I also wondered if long fics would be appreciated in a fandom that mostly does fun headcanons (I used to write them and vigorously read them, so not throwing any shade, they are fun reads)

To my surprise (and yeah, no duh I wasn't the only long fics writer) long fics were appreciated! It was also a pleasant surprise to see many start to get a lot of notes in a short amount of time! that was incredible!

I'd dabble in writing here and there but never took it too seriously. So the fact I was doing so well at this warmed my heart.

To people, please let writers write what they want. They don't have to write for whatever gender they don't want to. They really don't lol

About my post losing my cool. Yeah, I did lose my cool. I was getting harassed for weeks from legit randoms asking me to do male reader.

Look, I NEVER said writing for male reader was wrong. It's wrong for people to ask me because I just don't want to write it. I never clogged the tags with my fics in the male reader tag.

I couldn't do slasher x male reader justice. I think it's funny though that my words of "Tag me in Male reader stuff so I can reblog it if you male a DILF slashers fic" went conveniently ignored lol I guess because it didn't fit the narrative some went for.

I've said multiple times, "I'd love for someone to write a DILF Bo x Male Reader" and encouraged it, never got a tag for it to reblog :(

Death threats to whoever is never justified for the fics they write or won't write.

I find it alarming those in the fandom for men who murder (in Billy's case it's heavily implied he R*ped that girl they found outside and he did terrible things to his sister) people, are shocked and flabbergasted when people write fics corresponding to these attributes (killing, voyeurism, stalking, JAY WALKING, holding people hostage) that these characters have.

"Yeah, but she (she being me) deserves it (being told to choke) for writing rape fics"

Gosh, what pleasant people we have in the fandom/s You also can't turn around and go "She does deserve to get told to choke...BUT THAT'S HOW I FEEL! Don't get upset at ME!"

People, telling someone to choke over fiction is incredibly heedless and ill-manured.

This person was young, so I'm sure more growing up is to be had. Past 18, age isn't an excuse to dismiss alarming comments, that said, we are always growing as people. Do we say terrible things when we were young and in haste? yes, do we regret it when we are older, most people do.

--------

About mid-August, I just wasn't feeling fic writing anymore. I kept going, hoping it would continue to make me happy again. The last few fics I wrote I did genuinely enjoy writing, especially Professor Brahms, and Librarian Brahms did well too!

I totally understand if AUs are not everyone's cup of tea, I get it. That said, I encourage the other writers to experiment with AUs.

Oh, and Yes, DILF Bo will always be the TOP AU, always. It just really suits Bo lol

I will apologize for being upset over 'lack of engagement' that wasn't cool of me. I 100% get why people are shy! Writers do like the engagement, but I get why some don't engage. I get that way too with the blogs I followed and loved. Don't ever feel pressured to interact with a writer if you feel uncomfortable. Sorry if I made anyone feel that way. Engage with your favourite authors on your own time when you are ready.

...okay I will say if you do end up reblogging a fic, just add some nice tags, even an "I loved this" is enough of a morsel to a writer lol

To the nice comment in my inbox, I got before I rightfully turned off my inbox, thank you! I am glad you enjoyed Professor Brahms and that it hit just the right spot for you.

Please respect writers and their preferences in terms of what they write and how. Writers do tag their shit properly. They do, we all see them do it lol don't all of a sudden act like Polyphemus.

Again, thank you to all who have been kind. Be kind to each other. Bullying those out of the fandom for online brownie points serves no purpose, you just end up getting anons coming to you, thinking you'll 'fight the good cause' again and start more drama.

I have no clue what the future holds in terms of...well...whatever lol But I'll be posting my fics to ao3, where writing preferences and subject matter don't attract crazies from my understanding.

I am sorry I deleted most of my fics from here. Again, they'll be posted to ao3 in due time (when I get an account)

I hope everyone has a great Halloween! You celebrate Channukah, Christmas...whatever, have a good one!

This has been a fun way to test my abilities (I didn't mean to quote Itachi) and I am very grateful that many liked my writing and I hope my fics in some way brought you comfort and brought all the good levels of horny.

Thank you, everyone, again, who has been kind and for all the support.

To my Besties (you all) Love ya!

#Thank you #Rabbit speaks #Slasher Rabbit #Will I come back? #Maybe #Also writing in second perspective was getting limiting #For me #that's not a diss to anyone who does #I mean shit it's what I was doing #seriously though #thank you for the support to those who do #Be kind in the end #Write what makes YOU happy #Also just because the slashers are dark #you don't have to make the fic dark #just readers please don't be shocked when a fic is dark lol #I wish I had more to say #Bye Besties

[onyxoverride]

-> Vote Results Mass Post & Announcement

Please Read, especially if you voted!

This doesn’t contain every single comment since I tried to summarize it a bit! Thank you all so much for voting!!!

I’ll be going over who won, what will happen with the votes, and responding to some stuff, etc!

Why am I not surprised? I've summoned all the Zeke Simps

I'll work on a Zeke Jaeger fic (probably submissive)

Then Reiner Braun, Sukuna, Porco Galliard, maybe Connie Springer (might turn into a drabble,) Naoya Zenin, and lastly Pieck Finger. In that order (again if everything goes according to plan!)

These characters I already have ideas for, that's why I put them in the vote!

Woof this one was a close call the whole time! I would check it and it would be at 50/50 but thankfully some votes broke the tie!

I'll be starting the series event soon! Already have some of the introduction written and I'll set up the masterpost for it! (Bear with me, there's a lot of characters and some don't get much love or any at all so...)

I'll be writting it and uploading it slowly... it's a big one for me yall.

Thank you for critiques! I got some questions:

How do you mean "masterlist at the top"? Masterlist at the top of fics or the top of navi? I put the Masterlist link at the bottom of fics so when their done reading they can just click!

I only put official fics in the masterlist! And I haven't updated the drabbles masterlist in a while because it's a lot! I hope this clears some stuff up! That's why I use the general tags like that to help, so when in doubt, use those!!

Yes! I like lowercase for stuff like when I say "warnings" and "note" but I also am very wary of when I'm writing to capitalize properly but I slip up every now and then!

The lettering that's hard to read- is it like this? 𝔵𝔶𝔷 that's hard to read or like this ? So I can fix something but some of it is just for fancy formatting!

Thank you to all of you who said they enjoy my theme or said everything was good!! I appreciate all the input and compliment!!

I don't think I'll ever write for Free! I remember watching is when I was younger but it just doesn't intrigue me anymore!

Step! Zeke is mwa, I love stepbro Zeke a lot.

Zeke as a teacher and with a high school student I'm not quite comfortable with but I do have Professor! Zeke as a WIP!! I hope that's satisfactory instead whenever I'm able to write it out!

Characters: Armin Arlert x2, Inumaki Toge x2, Jean Kirstein x3, Sukuna x2, Miche Zacharius, Yuta Okkatsu, Erwin Smith, Connie Springer, also I think 2 people said Naoya Zenin!

Kinks: watersports x3, femdom/domreader x3, breeding x2, cockwarming x2, size kink x2, edging x2, sleepy sex, somnophilia, spanking, role-playing, overstimulation, biting, hair pulling, thigh riding, spitting, finger sucking, cuckholding, Zeke Kink (all of us hheh) and blood kink.

I love all of these for the most part! Also I'm comfortable with writting blood and such! I have a love for blood so blood kink and such is amazing for me. All of these are A plus, you got it!

I'll take all of these into consideration!

Yall are really making me get teary-eyed, so sweet 🥺 I love you all so much!!

I'm so glad I can even interact with yall!! Thank you so much for calling me a safe space 🥺 I'll try to live up to that.

I'm glad my personality is okay!! Sometimes I'm like .. do I even have one LOL. And I try to answer asks with a decent answer because they're all juicy thoughts and thirsts!

I'm glad you like the font and pictures!! Sometimes editing them is hard but seeing the end result is fun hehe

I'm glad the tags are helpful!!! I try to be really good at it even if its a simple ask because sometimes short asks have really good points.

Zeke and Reiner are my babes I love them so much!! Im glad yall like my content 🥺

I'm so happy I can be relatively consistent! This blog makes me really happy so I try to put a bunch of effort into it!

I see I see, this makes sense since those are the fandoms I write the most for 😂 i need to write for MHA more but I'll probably start writing more when season 5 comes out so I can get back on the brainrot. I also forgot to add Chainsaw Man and Haikyuu but I write a little bit for those.

High Rise Invasion I've watched some because an anon recommended it and I may write for it, we'll see!

Overlord- I haven't watched it but it looks interesting, I may look into it!

Diamond of the Ace I've heard of and I may watch! Death Note I've seen and know but I dont think ill write for it

I won't write for Free! But Bleach is one of my favorite animes, I'm an old anime fan (old as in I've been watching anime for a very long time) and I'm even rewatching it! I'll even write for it if inspiration hits!! We can thirst over Bleach! In fact we have some Bleach stuff on my blog!

Again thank you so much for participating!! Trust me I've compiled all you have said and will refer back to them! I'll be answering asks this weekend and as much as I can (there's a lot) so no fic but I'll be writing as well so ;)

Also if I haven't answered your ask its not because I'm intentionally ignoring you, I just wanna gather my thoughts and answer with something substantial because yall got some juicy thoughts I love yalls noggins

mwamwamwamwa smooches for you all. Drink some water and eat a lil snack, stay healthy, love you!!

- 𝖔𝖓𝖞𝖝 (they/them)

#⚫.megaphone

[maluminspace]

Genre: Smut

Pairings: Michael Clifford/Male Reader

Word Count: 4.3k

Trigger warnings: Strong language, explicit sexual content, public sex

A/N: I thought it was about time I did something else for the guys of the fandom again. I hope you enjoy this! Title taken from ‘take me home’ by Cher

Kofi

Queer!sos Masterlist // Michael Masterlist // Main Masterlist

***

You’d been in two minds whether to even come out tonight. 

Your mood had been getting progressively darker over the last few days and the last thing you wanted was to make small talk with your friends and some strangers you couldn’t care less about.

It was Ashton’s birthday, though and all he wanted was a few drinks with his buddies and he counted you amongst that select few. Considering everything he’s done for you over the years, the least you could do was spare him a couple of hours of your Friday night.

The evening had started about an hour ago and so far it’s gone exactly as you’d imagined. Ashton’s chosen bar is fairly typical of his taste. The large room is dimly lit, minimalist in it’s décor and the music playing over the speakers is a mixture of modern alternative pop and more classic soft rock tunes. The birthday boy had reserved a large booth in the back of the bar, he’d already been seated in it with a few of his work buddies and Luke, one of his oldest friends.

There’d already been an open bottle of vodka and Jack Daniels on the table along with a few jugs of mixers and pitchers of beer, which Ashton had insisted you help yourself to, while gesturing to a stack of clean glasses next to the alcohol. A couple of the girls sitting next to Ashton smiled at you, offering flirtatious greetings as you slid into the booth next to Luke. Before you even had a chance to respond, A tipsy Ashton had informed them that their attempts to woo you would be wasted as your interests lie purely in men.

The girls looked mildly disappointed for a split second but Luke had been quick to swoop in and distract them with some clumsy flirting of his own.

After a couple of drinks, you’d started to relax a bit, although your anxiety began to rear its ugly head a little each time a new person joined your little group. You didn’t know most of them and they all seemed too interested in Ashton or other people that they were already acquainted with, to bother to get to know you. Part of you was glad of the lack of attention, however as the minutes had stretched by without anyone offering you so much as a sliver of small talk, a hint of loneliness had begun to set in.

You’re just trying to decide how much longer you have to stay until it’s acceptable for you to leave when a familiar face emerges from the growing crowd in the bar. You’ve met Calum a few times at various gatherings and he’s always been fun to chat to. You were just about to offer him the seat next to you, when you notice that he isn’t alone. He’s accompanied by, quite possibly, the cutest man you’ve ever seen in your life. 

“Cal! Michael!” Ashton grinned tipsily as he greeted the newcomers enthusiastically. “Grab a drink…”

You’re vaguely aware of Calum greeting everyone but your focus is mainly on the pretty blonde man hovering nervously beside him. You’ve never seen him before, you’d definitely remember if you had. When he locks eyes with you, your heart immediately starts to pound faster and a dopey smile finds itself spreading across your face.

“You take that seat, Mike.” Calum offers casually as he glances around the nearby tables. “I’ll grab a spare chair from somewhere…” 

Michael offers you a shy smile as he slips into the booth beside you. He looks even prettier close up. He has the most beautiful green eyes that you could happily get lost in and his pink lips are so kissable that you immediately start imagining how soft they’d feel against yours. His clothes are fairly casual, black skinny jeans, a loose flannel shirt, buttoned all the way up to his neck, he’s the only man at the table not to have most of his chest out. Luke, Ashton and Calum are well known for using less than half of the buttons on their shirts. You can’t be too mad about it though, you tend to like to show off a little of your own chest, too. 

Resuming your initial observation of the newcomer, you notice that Michael’s bleached blonde hair is sort of dishevelled, like he can’t quite tame it but you like that, you’ve always had a soft spot for the ones that are a little rough around the edges. Michael definitely ticks that box. In fact, he ticks all of your boxes. He’s cute, bashful, doesn’t seem to take himself too seriously and he smells pretty good; like coconut shower gel and some mid-range cologne that you faintly recognise.

Michael introduces himself to you first, offering his hand for you to shake. “Hi, I’m Michael…” He informs you. “Most people call me Mike or Mikey, I don’t mind any of those really.”

You shake his hand, trying not to stare at him too intently as you introduce yourself. He repeats your name in a soft tone that almost melts you. Suddenly, you’re pretty pleased that you decided to come out tonight...

***

A couple of hours slip by in a blur of booze, jokes and bar snacks.

As much as you’ve tried to give everyone at the table an equal slice of your attention, you always end up focusing on Michael. He seems to get more perfect with every moment. Every story he tells makes it a little bit clearer that he’s perfect for you. He’s funny, sweet and he looks too adorable when he laughs.

With every sip of Jack Daniels and cola you take, you relax a little more and it’s not long before that liquid courage starts to set in. You gradually stop trying to force an interest in everyone else and give into your need to know more about Michael.

He happily answers your casual questions about what he does for a living and how he knows Calum, Luke and Ashton before encouraging you to answer the same ones. You find yourself trying a little too hard to make him laugh because every time he does, his face lights up beautifully, his emerald eyes sparkling.

As you get lost in pleasant conversation, you find yourself subconsciously moving closer to him, to the point where your thigh ends up pressed against his. Michael doesn’t shuffle away or call you out on it in any way, in fact he seems to lean into the contact, shooting you an almost knowing smile as he reaches for another drink.

“Do you want another JD?” He asks, his voice low but cheerful. 

You nod, handing him your glass, ensuring that your fingers brush with his as you do so. 

A slight blush rises in Michael’s cheeks and he sort of melts under your gaze. If you were a braver person, you’d have upped the flirting in that moment, made it more obvious that you were into him, but your nerve fails. You simply drop your hand to rest on the table, trying to ignore the tingling of your skin where you’d just made contact with Michael.

Unfortunately, Michael seems to take your moment of self doubt as a sign that you’re not into him. He pours your drink and then promptly excuses himself for a bathroom break.

You don’t have much time to curse yourself before Ashton reaches across the table and nudges your arm playfully. “Are you gonna make a move on him or what?” The birthday boy laughs. “You two couldn’t be more into each other, it’s like torture, watching all of your shy glances and fleeting touches.”

“Yeah, Michael’s a bit shy when it comes to this stuff but I’ve been his friend for long enough to know what he means when he smiles at someone like that.” Calum explains, although there’s a faint note of something like warning in his voice. Even in your slightly tipsy state, you recognise this protective friend tone. You’ve used it on people before too, whenever you’ve suspected someone of having ill intentions with one of your buddies. 

You have no reason to feel threatened by Calum. You’d never intentionally hurt his friend, but you feel the need to get him on your side anyway. “You really think he likes me like that?” You ask, knowing that making yourself sound like the lucky one is key here. Not that it’s difficult, of course. You do feel pretty fucking lucky right about now. “He comes across as such a nice guy, I thought he was just being friendly.”

The rest of the table bursts into laughter. 

“Yeah but he saves his ‘fuck me’ eyes for people he wants to take to bed.” Ashton chuckles lightly. “Trust me, he’s into you!”

You feel the need for Calum’s blessing, knowing that it’ll be his wrath you face if things don’t go well between you and his best friend. You turn to the dark-haired man as he takes another drink from his beer bottle. “You really think so?” You question, “he seems amazing, I don’t wanna come across as-“

“Ashton’s right.” Calum cuts in. “He’s into you, he’s gonna need to see you reciprocate a little before he lets his guard down anymore, though. You might want to flirt a bit harder.”

Before you can ask for any tips from Michael’s friends, the man in question returns, shooting you a lopsided smile as he slips back into the booths beside you. “Hope you didn’t miss me too much.” He shrugs, his smile turning into a faintly mischievous smirk. 

“Most of us didn’t even notice you were gone mate!” Luke laughs.

“But one of us was pining like a dog whose owner just left him tied up outside in the street.” Ashton interjects, quirking his eyebrow suggestively in your direction. 

Michael glances at you, his cheeks turning a pretty rosy pink. “Well if anyone was gonna miss me, I’d have hoped it was you, handsome.”

The way Michael held your gaze, albeit a little shyly, gave you more confidence and you gave a small shrug of your shoulders. “How could I not miss that pretty face of yours?”

From that moment the flirting between the two of you became much more brasen. After a few more sips of your JD, you casually flung your arm around Michael’s shoulders as the two of you talked to Calum about the latest episode of a show you all shared an interest in. 

Michael immediately leans into your side, presumably to let you know that he liked the gesture. 

Calum seemed pleased with the way you were treating his friend and his defenses gradually crumbled, making you less nervous.

When Michael lays his head on your shoulder a little while later, you feel your heart jump in your chest. His pink lips are so close, it’d be so easy for you to kiss them. You don’t want an audience for your first kiss with him, though, so you resist the urge, deciding to stroke his shoulder gently through his shirt instead.

“I think someone’s getting a little sleepy over there.” Luke smirks, nodding at Michael. “Maybe someone should walk him home…” His glazed blue eyes land on you as his smirk grows. “I’m sure you’ll volunteer, right? He doesn’t live far from here y’know.”

Michael shifts his head so that he can meet your gaze, “I’d like that, if you wouldn’t mind.” He whispers, his green eyes sparkling with an unmistakable lust.

“Of course, baby.” You reply, hoping that your tone is as smooth as you intend it to be. “I’d be happy to walk you home. You ready now, or…”

Michael nods, his cheeks reading from the pet name you’d given him. The way he offers you a sideways smile that could almost be a smirk, tells you that he enjoyed it and you make a mental note of it, hoping to be able to put that word to much better use a bit later on. Michael reaches for his jacket before straightening up in his seat to slip it on. You immediately miss his warmth pressing into your side but you’re eager to spend some time with him alone, even if it’s just the short walk to his apartment. You hope that you can at least impress him enough that he’ll give you his number so that you can arrange a date or something.

After hugging everyone goodbye and wishing Ashton Happy Birthday one more time, you lead Michael out of the bar. 

Even though you’re full of alcohol, the chilly night air hits the two of you hard and Michael instinctively curls into your side for warmth. You’ve never been so thankful for this changeable climate as you are right now, with the cutest boy you’ve ever met burrowing beneath your arm. 

“It shouldn’t be this cold in July, should it?” Michael giggles, glancing at you through his lashes.

“I’m not complaining!” You reply with a tiny smirk, wrapping one arm around Michael’s shoulders to keep him close to you. “So which way is home, baby?”

Once again, Michael melts at the fond nickname and points to the left. “I’m about ten minutes that way.” He answers, but as you take a step in that direction, Michael stops you, shaking his head and pulling you back. “I have a question to ask you first.” He drops his gaze to your lips and wets his own with a flick of his tongue. The simple gesture sends shivers through you but you hold it together just enough to arch your eyebrow questioningly. “Are you ever gonna kiss me, handsome?” Michael asks, shifting his head to that his lips are just about as close as they can be to yours without them touching.

You answer by closing the tiny gap, pressing your lips to his as softly as your lust-filled brain will allow. 

Michael wraps both arms around your waist, gripping the back of your jacket as his lips part in a tiny moan, allowing you to slip your tongue past them and work it against his. 

You’ve never had someone respond to one of your kisses so hungrily, it takes you a bit by surprise but you grasp Michael’s upper arms firmly as you draw out the kiss as long as you can before needing to take a breath. 

“That was worth the wait.” Michael grins dopily as he rests his forehead against yours. “You still wanna take me home?” 

You nod eagerly, all pretence of being cool, calm and collected abandoned along with the misplaced shame that you’d been taught to feel about falling for people so easily. Michael obviously wants you as much as you want him and if that level of longing is acceptable enough for someone as amazing as him, you could hardly argue with it.

Michael nestles back under your arm, wrapping his own around your waist to keep him in place. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night, y’know.” You offer, wanting to ensure that Michael knows he’s not been pining alone. “I just… well I wanted to make sure you liked me as much as the others said you did and-”

“Oh so you boys were all talking about me when I left the table, were you?” Michael interrupts with a tiny chuckle. “I should have known they’d be trying to talk you into making a move. They all like to think of themselves as matchmakers.”

You shake your head. “They didn’t have to convince me to make a move at all. Kissing you was already all I was thinking about, I just… well I was scared you didn’t want me to.”

Michael laughed, resting his head on your shoulder. “I didn’t want to come across as too easy, but I guess the fact that you’re taking me home now has given me away.” 

“And here I was thinking that you just wanted some company on your walk home.” You gasp in faux horror. “Now I wish I’d put on my best underwear.” You try to keep your tone light and joking but you’re a bit concerned that a) The Deadpool underwear you’d chosen to put on earlier was a very bad decision and will instantly kill the mood when Michael sees them. b) You’re being a little too forward. Despite Michael’s last comment, neither of you have specified what you hope to happen once you arrive at his apartment. There’s still a huge question mark as to whether he actually wants to see your underwear and what’s beneath them.

Michael rolls his eyes fondly and jabs you gently in the ribs with his free hand. “Don’t make me feel like more of a whore than I already do.” He laughs, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment. “I don’t even know your last name but my mind keeps racing over stuff I wanna do with you the second my front door is closed.” His tone is low and shy but his words ease your nerves considerably. It means that you only have to worry about your nerdy underwear now.

“I hope they match up with the things running through my mind.” You smirk, wiggling your eyebrows mischievously. “Just as long as you keep the lights off so you don’t see my very unsexy boxers.” 

Before Michael can answer, a rain shower begins. A few tiny droplets land on your head but you ignore them, focusing on the way Michael giggles as the chilly raindrops start to trickle down his face. “This rain shower couldn’t have held off for a few more minutes?” He chuckles. “We’re like five minutes away!”

“It’s just a little shower…” you shrug, cuddling Michael closer into your side. “I'm sure you look just as gorgeous, if not more so when you’re wet.”

Michael pokes you in the ribs again good-naturedly, “you can stop with the flattery, I already want to suck the life out of you, handsome.” 

There’s no way to stop the groan that escapes you. That would probably only be classed as the mildest form of dirty talk, but coming from Michael, in that innocent but slightly gruff voice, it felt like the dirtiest and most exciting proposition you’ve ever had in your life.

As though nature itself was trying to give you a cold shower to clear your head, the rain begins to fall harder and faster, turning into a torrential downpour in a matter of seconds.

Michael lets out an adorable little squeal as he pulls you off the main street onto a much quieter road. The two of you break into a run but Michael threads his fingers through yours so that you stay connected.

You’re both already soaked by the time you reach the shelter of a disused railway bridge. You laugh, although the sound dies in your throat when you catch sight of Michael leaning against the brickwork. You were 100% correct, he looks somehow even more gorgeous wet. He shakes his head like a naughty little dog, sending flecks of cold water everywhere and leaving his bleached blonde hair hanging limply around his face.

He looks like something out of your wildest dreams, pale and almost angelic in the hazy light from the street lamps lining the road you’ve just come from.

You step towards him, unable to stop yourself from wiping your thumb across his cheek, following the line of his cheekbone as your gaze drifts to his lips. “This fucking storm is delaying us. You have no idea how much I want to feel and taste every inch of you, gorgeous.”

Michael lets out a tiny whimper, wrapping his arms around your neck. “Same, handsome.” He replies. “In the meantime you could kiss me again?” 

You don’t need to be asked twice. You close the gap between your own lips and his, cupping Michael’s face in one hand as you swallow his first needy little whine.

It becomes clear very quickly that kissing Michael in a secluded, aleit very public place, was a bad idea. He proves all-too intoxicating with his sinful lips and innocent whimpers as you press your body close to his.

He slides his fingers into your hair and tugs slightly, drawing a growl from you as you nip his bottom lip in retaliation. The slight pain only seems to heighten Michael’s arousal. He throws back his head, exposing a long expanse of his pale neck that’s just too inviting. You move your kisses away from the blonde’s lips and along his jaw until you reach the pale, sensitive skin below his ear. The noises that the soft contact coaxes from Michael are every bit as delicious as you’d hoped.

Michael whines. “Uh, your lips-” he cuts himself off on a harsh gasp as you suck harder on his neck, intent upon leaving a mark. “Fuck!” The blonde moans. “You’re really testing my resolve here, handsome.” His voice is breathy and filled with lust.

Your body reacts exactly the way it always does when it’s pressed against a hot guy. It seems to move without your permission, your hips rolling against Michael’s as you wriggle one of your thighs between both of his. “I lost mine the second you pulled me in here, gorgeous.” You mumble into his neck. “If I could take you right now I would…”

“Soon…” Michael breathes tugging at your hair again. “I promised to suck the life out of your first.”

As much as you’d love to throw caution to the wind and urge Michael to his knees right now, the risk of being caught by a passer-by is still too high. You figure that you’ll need some sort of release before you continue your journey to Michael’s place, but it has to be a bit more discreet than a blowjob.

“I’ll hold you to that when we get to your apartment.” You whisper, working your kisses back towards Michael’s lips. “Can’t have a pretty angel like you dropping to his knees on the wet pavement.”

Michael pouts at you, widening his eyes like a kitten that’s just had his favourite toy confiscated. “But I wanna taste you so bad…” 

“And you will, angel.” You promise, working your thigh against his stiffening cock in a slow but firm rhythm. “I can’t wait to see what you can do with this dirty mouth.” You run your thumb over his bottom lip teasingly, as you rest your forehead against his, revelling in the way his breath hitches in his throat when he starts to rut against you in search of more friction. “I just know it’s gonna be even better than I’m imagining.”

Michael nods, gasping into your mouth as he initiates another heated kiss. “I can take whatever you’ve got to give to me, handsome.” He confirms once you pull away for air. “Can’t wait to see what I’m working with.” He drops one of his hands, hesitantly slipping it between your bodies as he fixes you with a questioning glance, silently asking if he can touch you.

Not wanting to waste more time on words, you loosely grasp his wrist and thrust your clothed dick into his palm. “Fuck, handsome…You feel big.” Michael groans hungrily. “Uh, I can’t wait to get my mouth on you.”

The way Michael seems to happily follow your lead with every movement you make, gives you an added confidence as well as turning you on even more. Words start to spill from your mouth without engaging your filter first. “Yeah? If you do a good enough job of sucking me off, maybe I’ll give you something in return…” To give him a better idea of what you mean without being too intense, you reach around to grasp his ass.

“Mmm, please!” Michael gasps. “Want to feel you fill me up.” 

The words cause your cock to twitch with interest as you thrust into Michael’s hand. “Yeah, angel! I bet you’d feel so fucking good.” You bury your face into his neck, keeping a firm grip on his ass cheeks.

“P-please touch me, handsome!” Michael whimpers, “need you!”

The pounding of the rain on the pavement seems to sync with that of your heart as you slide one hand around to palm at Michael through his jeans. His desperate whines bring you to the very brink of your orgasm. “Fuck, baby!” You groan into his skin. “Can’t wait to see you come apart for me!”

That does it. Michael tumbles over the edge, the broken moans of your name as he spills into his underwear has you following him immediately. A stream of curses slip past your lips as you thrust into Michael’s hand a few times to ride out your climax.

Michael wraps both of his arms around your neck, clinging to you as he fights to control his ragged breaths. “Shit… handsome.” He gasps. “I haven’t cum in my pants since I was in high school.” He gives you a tiny laugh and you wrap your arms around him to keep as close as possible. 

“Same.” You chuckle, “I guess we have this damn storm to blame for that.”

Michael hums in response, glancing out at the persistent rain. “How long do you think it’ll last?”

Following his gaze you give a lazy shrug. “I dunno, it looks pretty set in for the night if you ask me.”

“Then I guess we’ll just have to get wet again.” Michael smirks. “After that little preview, I’m even more impatient to get you into my bed.”

***

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#michael clifford #5sos #michael clifford imagine #michael clifford blurb #michael clifford fic #male reader #michael clifford smut #5sos imagine #5sos blurb #5sos fic #5sos smut #michael #michael imagine #michael blurb #michael fic #michael smut #my writing

[keagan-ashleigh]

Even though I am not mad at this ending and think some aspects of it were nice, there is still a few things that I actually think were... not good. I am going to talk about what I think was right then explain what I think was wrong (I defend them in my last post, that doesn't mean agree with everything they did).

Like I said in my other posts, I don't think the writers are ill intentioned but just sloppy, and a little bit clueless. Like, I don't think they actually sat down and said "ah ah lets get people mad 😈". We can't brush away the fact they have really been trying to do something right, it's easy to judge on a single episode but the show as a whole has been very progressive and meaningful in terms of representation, advocating for equality, and in terms of respecting the fandom and especially fanwork. They have been on our side all along, writers and cast, so, no, I don't think they actually meant to hurt their audience.

I am struggling to formulate my point, it'd be easier in my mother tongue, but I think we idealized their writing, so of course they can't meet our expectations in terms of quality. For starters, I have never thought Supernatural writers were excellent to begin with. They have done amazing things in terms of storytelling, but also, they did some really disappointing writing, it has been irregular in quality since a long time. So it's not a surprise that they don't meet expectations. But I sincerely hate the idea that they're accused of being willingly abject with the fans by disrespecting the characters, I am not excusing everything but I don't think they deserve such virulence.

They don't disrespect the characters, they've just never read them like the fans did. They failed to give them the perfect ending because they really did think this is the ending their characters needed. That doesn't mean they didn't give an ending that was decent it's just not the ending that meets the perception we have of the characters, it's the ending for the characters they wrote, not the ones we read.

We see characters that have been fighting for freedom and that fight against fate, we have seen their growth from a perspective the writers don't have. What the writers gave them is the end they where supposed to meet at the beginning. Dean deserves rest and to be at peace with himself, Sam deserves a normal life, they gave them that, 100%. It fits the characters they wrote, it gives them an end that ultimately suits them. There isn't an issue with that in itself - I know everyone in my timeline might disagree with that lol. Considering Dean has been fight his whole life, fighting for survival, fighting to please his father, fighting to fulfill Chuck's desires, in the end he just chose to not fight, to give up because for the first time in his life, it's okay, he can go, there is no battle he needs to fight anymore. Sam has been robbed from a life he wished for, a life he designed for himself that has been taken away because hunting called back to him, the writers gave him the ideal life he wanted, a wife, a kid, a house with a fence and he died of old age peacefully. I've seen people complain that it's back to square one because that was their initial destiny, but, in fact... this is ok. Castiel end his story by finding love, by standing for himself, and by sacrificing everything for the one person he loved the most. That is, in fact, in character. Their end was beautiful in itself.

Now the issue I have with that, is that the writers obviously lost grip on the meta aspect of their writing and failed to see their characters were going in a different direction than the one they wrote. They failed to see this wasn't their characters anymore, and failed to take into account our perspective. Which is ironic because they convinced Jensen that their ending was true to the audience's perspective. We've been reading into the fact Chuck was the writer loosing grasp on his story, that the story was handed to the fans because it belongs to them - I think it's right to read it like that, but I also think the writers are just clueless about that reading. We gave them much credit for this meta aspect but I don't actually think they were controlling it as much as think.

The issue I have with this ending, mostly, is what I think has always been their flaw, they struggle with construction and rythm, and struggle with making their point come across. They naively think they gave us treats, like the dog reference, the pie contestcontest, they integrated that sloppily to this episode.

I've seen people ask what the pie contest meant... It's an inside joke with the fandom. It's there to talk to us through the show, it's sloppy but the intention here is to say "here is a wink for the fandom that did such good job at imprinting the show in pop culture and had such fun turning the pie thing into an immortal meme, thank you, here's one last laugh for you" (I did laugh). I also think somehow to them it meant giving a return to normalcy to Dean, gave him a bit of naiveness back, to show that his heart was lighter due to the fact he solved his issues with self loathing, with baring all the responsibilities by himself, it shows him at peace. And that's one of the reason why I din't think they completely ignored his character development, they were bad at showing it though, because the rythm was bonkers. They didn't took the time to actually tell it, but Dean did solved his issues between ep 19 and ep 20. He DID found normalcy, peace of mind, self love, and relief, he didn't just found happiness in death, he welcomed death because he was happy with his life. And we see him go to heaven and be happy in heaven because he never thought he'd make it there. What the writers did wrong is that we read that Dean was at first seen as daddy's soldier and didn't want to go like this, he believed that was the end he deserved because he didn't think he worthed much. One perfect ending for Dean would have been to go, but older, not on his old man's unsolved case, and not so stupidly, after everything, being beaten by a rusty nail doesn't feel right, it feels rushed. But it's mundane, it's almost a normal way to go after all, there is no big epic fight, this is just life being a bitch, and for once it is not a celestial being or a undefeatable entity, it's just a plain normal boring nail. It means, this is a calm way to go, the stakes aren't high, it's like, the complete opposite if what he has had since series 1. I understand what the writers meant. This is giving Dean an ending that wasn't as stressful as all the others, for the first time it is not an apocalypse to stop, and so he looked at the situation and thought: "that's it, the world won't end if I go, I don't have any burden on my shoulders anymore, I can go". I doesn't work but I understand what they meant.

What they didn't realized also was the fact we have read the character as bisexual, that we consider him canonically bisexual, and that killing him sends a bad message. But they don't actually think he's bi, we believe they did but that is something that we have read, not something they actually wrote. So, yes they are really clueless about the message they sent here.

If they did, which I doubt, then Dean's happiness was with Castiel, and since he wasn't on earth, he could only go to heaven, hoping that Jack brought him back (which he did). But I doubt they did because if that was the case we would have had a reunion. I'll come to that later.

But first, Castiel. Castiel's arc ended with him finding the one thing that makes a human a human in this universe : love. The angelic sensebif love was devoid of actual feelings, either in a platonic way or romantically, the angels have been depicted as obedient, stone cold, practical. In Castiel's ending, all of that is gone. I think his end should have been different because he and we deserve more that yet another kill your gays, but it was in character for him to devote himself to love in a final act of irrational and deep care for humanity, for those he thinks about family and for this man he loves and lost his wings for.

As a final act of love for Dean and humanity, he shaped with Jack a heaven that gives people the freedom to choose they're own perfect heaven. He designed it perfectly so people in heaven have free will. He designed a heaven that was meant to give Dean a sense of completion and that gave him the happiness and freedom he deserved (noting that he was happy before he went there).

What they did wrong was not showing Jack bring him back, it was not actually telling how he designed heaven for humanity, because as far as I can see the point didn't came across. It was also not taking time to show that it is not heaven and death that gives dean happiness and relief, they should have said Dean was at peace before going there. And it was not reuniting them.

That was their biggest mistake in my opinion because we needed to see a response from Dean. I have read somewhere Jensen actually think the fact Dean didn't answer doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same. I think he did wanted to tell something, he did love him, no matter which way, he did love him, I saw it cristal clear because Jensen is actually a good actor and got that across not only in episode 18 but in the whole show. He wasn't always on board with the idea because he had his own perception of his character but he knows the audience saw something he didn't and eventually took that in account and you can actually see it in his acting. Maybe Misha convinced him, you know he on the other end has always been open to it. Anyway, Dean had stuff to say. I think the writer considered he already did, by calling Cas family, by saving him over and over, I can't be sure, but they apparently didn't think it was necessary to make him express what he had to express and that is why they make him say to Sam that the pain isn't gonna go away and that he can only move on.

But they needed to be together in the end. To counteract the kill your gays. We needed a end à la Song of Achilles, so the sacrifice they both did was actually worth it. Instead they reunited the brothers, again, unaware that they portrayed a toxic codependency all along, I absolutely don't think they ever saw their relationship like that. I think they thought it was emotional and cute, and beautiful. In a way it was, but in another way, we needed more for both if them than Sam waiting to die in order to ve with his brother again. They say "you can go now" as if the sole purpose of his life from that point was to die. They really were oblivious to the fact that makes Sam not actually living a live he actually enjoyed and got involved in, they may have make him laugh with his son and be a better father than his own ever was (I don't think he was teaching him to hunt, the tattoo just meant he's protected from possession) but the whole message is that "you've walked in this life by default, waiting to be able to join heaven, not because you chose to".

I don't think the writers have really thought through what they were actually saying because they didn't took enough time to show and tell what they actually meant. On one end they failed to grasp what they birthed prior to that, on the other hand they failed to make themselves clear about what they mean. We lose much of their intent because they don't master their rythm, and fail to check what is really coming across the screen.

I don't think they are disrespectful, I don't think they delivered a bad or inappropriate ending, and I don't think they were intentionally homophobic, I just think they didn't give us the most appropriate ending. In the end it still feels right to me because I understand what they did, the characters where in characters, and it was a beautiful goodbye to me, but I am not entirely happy with it because I think they missed the point because, precisely, they are too much in character. They shouldn't have given us in character, they should have given us change, evolution, growth, from what the characters have been until then, and they should have been more explicit, because the way we read them absolutely calls for that. By staying too close to what they think they wrote they couldn't possibly satisfy the audience.

Like as said in a previous post, they were also playing safe with destiel, and I think they made a mistake. But yet again, I wasn't even expecting the ship to be acknowledged at all, so to me what they did was unexpected and nice. A big lead character, not a secondary but a lead, from one of the most popular show in television is canonically gay, there's that! And actually, there isn't much big shows that can say as much. The actual norm is still very low despite more and more shows being inclusive, they actually did better than the norm. I know it's not enough, I mean, I too want representation, I am a bisexual woman, I know we need better, but sometimes we can just be grateful for the little steps people are taking. We may believe it's nothing but it is not, they've done something great, not ideal, but great. They have taken the step Sherlock wasn't willing to take, they took a step so little shows were willing to take. Accusing them of being intentionally homophobic is just plain disrespectful for the impact they've had on television considering representation in popular shows.

They just committed a mistake by staying true to Castiel's character and making him sacrifice and by not bringing him back. They had good intentions, but were clueless about the implications of what they did. They intended to be faithful to the characters they wrote, and missed to be faithful to the characters they actually created.

No it wasn't the ending that I think would have been great. But I don't think they completely failed to give a nice ending that really says goodbye and thank you. It just could have been better, it doesn't deserve all the backlash I'm witnessing here. It deserves criticism, and it deserves for some of its issues to be addressed, but also, some people need to take a huge chill pill because it wasn't the horror they believe it was. Destiel isn't canon, yet they still brought their characters to peace.

And, to finish, I've seen a post say it sent a bad message about depression too. I have depression, and let me tell you this year it is getting heavy on me because shit happens. Yes, it kinda can be read as "you only find happiness and peace in death", but like I said I don't think they go to heaven go find peace, I think they go to heaven feeling at peace and happy because they did solved their issues before that. I personally didn't read it in such a bad way, au contraire, I think they got the peace and healing they needed before dying, but the writers weren't clear about it. But yes, can be read like that and maybe they should have think twice about that too.

To conclude: yes it was flawed, no it wasn't great, but it wasn't that bad either. I feel fine about it because I get what they meant, and I am fine with writing my own end for them.

Also, let's not forget we're in the midst if a global pandemic, we have to be indulgent with the fact they couldn't do everything they wanted.

#my posts #supernatural spoilers #supernatural #destiel #supernatural finale #spn last season #spn spoilers #spn

[dropintomanga]

Being Both Chinese and Otaku

I’m sure many of you may know this, but I’m a 1st generation Chinese-American. My first exposure to anime was back in the early 1990s’ through Cantonese-dubbed episodes of Dragon Ball Z. It’s been quite a ride since then. However, because I’m 1st-generation Chinese-American, my parents are both 1950s’-born immigrants from Guangzhou, China. They knew people and relatives that went through a period of time in China (the 2nd Sino-Japanese War) when the Japanese invaded the country. Even decades later, tensions between China and Japan still exist and Chinese otaku are caught in the middle of this.

I caught this 2019 Foreign Policy article “Super Patriotic Anime Youth Wars!” on one of my feed readers recently. It talked about how the Chinese government is worried about the influence of Japanese pop culture on many Chinese youth. They believe that foreign media in general will cause dissension. China has gone on to start their anime/manga stuff in order to gain some kind of control over Chinese otaku youth. Bilibili, a Chinese anime streaming service that has gotten a lot of attention over the past few years, was formed to help promote the Chinese government’s views.

I began to think about my own otaku journey and how someone else similar to me living in America feels.

Years ago, I wrote an article for an anime site about being a Chinese otaku. I forgot what I entirely wrote (link is now dead), but I remember I talked about a story that my mother once told me. It was about one of my aunts who literally ran away from Japanese soldiers during the 2nd Sino-Japanese War. My mom said that when my aunt was a young child in the early 1940s’, she carried one of her friends and searching for a hiding place with their caretaker while Japanese soldiers were looking to capture them. The soldiers yelled all kinds of profanities similar to how some anime characters say them. My aunt is still around, but has never talked about those experiences to me and I have never once talked to her about my love of Japanese pop culture.

Back in the mid-2000s’ when the anime boom was happening, my dad once said to me that he thinks anime may corrupt Chinese youth and that we wouldn’t understand the horrible things they did to China. After reading that Foreign Policy article on China/Japan tensions affecting otaku, I see that a good amount of Chinese folks, who grew up in China pre-1990, have utter dislike over otaku culture. The 2D world is full of imaginative ideas that aren’t easily controlled. What’s funny is that my parents didn’t mind me getting involved with all things Japanese. They knew it was what kept my mind occupied from depression. They knew I would probably hate them for taking Japanese pop culture away from me.

It’s hard enough being an otaku. But it’s harder when you’re an otaku and also have to deal with cultural tensions between two countries (one of which represents your nationality) that don’t like each other very much. I know China is a lot more receptive towards anime and manga compared to the United States, but the government will try to censor/ban anything with messages that sound overly rebellious against authority figures (i.e. Attack on Titan is the biggest example). It’s also very hard to businesses to ignore China because of its super-large population and the money potential.

I see a lot of Chinese youth in my area watching anime and reading manga on the train. I see them hanging around in places like Kinokuniya. That’s not going to change. I do feel that we all have our mental blind spots. I want the older Chinese generations to understand that some aspects of modern Japanese culture aren’t guilty of association for past war crimes and I want my generation and future Chinese generations to realize that Japan isn’t always some kind of great 2D holy land. It’s so easy to get caught up in the passions of whatever it is you love or hate. Follow your heart and gut is not always good advice when it comes to nuanced situations that involve complicated relationships. That thinking becomes a bit too biased for its own good.

As someone who’s been told “It’s all in the past. Get over it.”, I kind of relate to the pain that the older Chinese adults feel when they get ignored. They can’t keep up with how fast the present and future can go. My parents went through a lot to get to America. We can’t ignore the past. There’s too many untold stories that need to be told for a better future. Plus there has to be better acceptance of how random the future is. We may have a future where Japanese pop culture isn’t popular in China anymore due to politics. We may not as well. Trying to place so much control on things you can’t control leaves someone prone to endless frustration. I would love an emphasis on focusing on what someone can do now in the present moment.

I think sometimes we’re not taught to have these kinds of conversations because they make us feel emotionally vulnerable. And that’s terrifying to a lot of people. We want to look strong because that’s how we’re supposed to get through life and its obstacles according to the powers in place.

However, I do worry about China (and quite frankly, Japan as well) that focus on manipulating otaku fandom. I know that Japan’s history is awful and their tendency to not apologize for past war crimes is unnerving. I feel that otaku are being portrayed as a “dumb” kind of geekdom that only cares about getting what they want. That makes us prone to outside manipulation by people (i.e. governments) who say they care, but they don’t. That makes us no different from someone who loves to shop for brand-name clothes/shoes/etc. It’s natural to be recognized by a greater majority of people though as we have been picked on for so long. Maybe we’re getting external validation from the wrong types of people out of some desperation.

As a Chinese-American today, I don’t like China very much even though I do enjoy and respect some aspects of their culture. I’ve been there a couple of times, but I don’t feel compelled to go back compared to Hong Kong. I also can’t imagine myself living in Japan despite my fascination with the culture. I’m not sure if the country’s the right place for me as someone living with mental illness. I do see that there’s a good number of Chinese fans that have managed to find their own truths on how to handle cultural tension.

In any case, don’t let significant and mainstream in-group interference on all sides cloud all of your decision-making. Sometimes, the best kind of advice to get is from someone who doesn’t know you personally or is a part of your inner circle, but can relate to your situation and feelings. We will always have doubts and they deserve some validation. 

I think the beautiful thing about otaku fandom being more widespread due to the internet is that it allows us to connect with diverse strangers of all kinds that are genuinely good to be around. For so long, we’re taught to avoid strangers growing up because they are either suspicious or not worth talking to. However, it’s those same strangers that can lead us to new paths and friendships outside of bubbles that can stagnate us. Those paths can help us make sense of our own past and current situations as well or at least come to terms with them.

I can tell you that a lot of Japanese series I followed have helped me go back  to analyze and confront troubling aspects about my life in a way that matters. Maybe that’s why I manage to deal with many tensions including the Chinese/otaku dynamic instead of being just a passive consumer like most fans. I partake in a kind of “personal nostalgia” that’s more about your own growth and willingness to take on the bad stuff compared to collective nostalgia, which leads to hardcore nationalism/tribalism. I want you all to do the same when possible.

Life is strange to begin with. Maybe just embracing that notion will allow us to appreciate the diversity of all that surrounds it.

Shout-outs to anyone who is a Chinese otaku and managing cultural tensions in their own way. It’s hard work and as long as you’re not intentionally hurting people, you’re doing alright.

#fandom #mental health #psychology #China #Japan #Chinese otaku #otaku

[matteredloyaltyaa]

                                                       NAV.

                GOOGLE DOC (RULES/ABOUT/VERSES).

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Tumblr mobile friendly version of my rules under the read-more.

DISCLAIMER:

I do not claim to own or have created this character, though the headcanon posts you see here are of my own interpretation of this character and events. I am private and selective, meaning that I only write with mutuals (those who I follow and who follow me in return), and tend to watch who I follow back and/or write with for my own comfort. However, my askbox is open to everybody if you wish to talk to me or the character on this blog, but I may not answer everything put in there.

PASSWORDS:

Due to my social anxiety, I don't have a password in these rules, nor do I send them in. I read everybody's rules and pages before following and usually before interacting.

ACTIVITY:

This is my main blog, which means that I am on it most of the time. However, I do suffer from some mental disorders, namely anxiety, depression, and OCD. These tend to affect how I interact ooc and can make me overly distant sometimes, and it's usually nothing anybody has done to me but my own mind running off on it's own about things. So, I do apologize for that. I may be absent from blogs during bad periods or make a couple posts here and there that I always delete after an hour or two stating that I'm in a bad way. Everything will be tagged.

HIGH HONOR: 

Please note that I base my characterization off my raw play of this game, in which Arthur is HIGH HONOR and you may see more of that toward the end of his main verse. However, I still play him as a morally grey individual, especially as he’s trying to find his own mind on things in a way, but ultimately he leans more toward honorable moral choices (or what are considered honorable for the life he leads). He will do both good and bad things. At his point in time, I’m not exactly leaning towards adding a low honor verse, as his portrayal within the fandom has turned me off completely and after playing that route myself, I don’t really see much reason to. However, that may change if I end up finding a way to put a spin to that.

BLOG & PERSONAL TRIGGERS: 

Please note that I don't have many triggers myself outside of suicide and overly anxiety inducing content (jumpscares, purposely paranoia inducing posts, etc). 

There are some themes that I would like to avoid writing about in detail or at all. Namely, I WILL NOT write out anything like incest (the John/Arthur ship tends to fall into this category for me, along with Arthur/Dutch and Arthur/Hosea, so I will say that it's a NOTP for me), abuse (outside of mentions in regards to backstory, all forms), pedophilia, and rape. Also, I should note on a personal side that pregnancy can make me a little uncomfortable due to some gender stuff with me. I don't mind mentioning it, nor do I mind parental relationships when it comes to Arthur and sometimes outright adopting children in certain verses, but threads and interactions solely based off pregnancy can make me uncomfortable. It's difficult to explain but I would like to avoid it. Really, when in doubt, just ask.

This blog does and may contain triggering material, due to the nature of this game and the character. The biggest ones that will be present here are violence, guns/shooting, crime, and illness. I should also note that, due to the fact that this game takes place in 1899, there may be some triggers related to the views of this time period. Arthur himself is rather progressive and doesn't hold those views himself, but that doesn't mean the people around him don't and may be referenced in threads. Everything will be tagged as I catch it and where needed.

SPOILERS: 

This game has been out for at least a year now. I will not be tagging for spoilers anymore, so please follow or read at your own risk if you are working through the game for the first time.

WRITING, SPEED, and NSFW:

My general writing style is paragraph/paragraphs. I don't mind one-liners but I usually only reserve those for starters that I’m writing and I tend to expand on the length of those as I go. I format my posts, mostly just some minimal spacing, small text (not sub), and all-caps words, bold, and italic usage. If this bothers anybody or makes it hard to read, please let me know and I can continue our thread in a non-formatted way. I also use icons, but I will follow my partner's lead on iconless rps. I can also be a little long-winded with my replies but you aren't obligated to match that. As long as I don't get like three sentences back to five paragraphs, we're all good.

I'm a slow rper. It may take me a day or two to get around to things, both asks, threads, and messages. I don't mind a nudge here and there but if it feels like you're pressuring me, I will warn you and block if it continues.

I'm 24, the muse is 36 in his main verse. We are both over the age in regards to nsfw. Smut is kind of rare for me and I don't do it often on Tumblr, however if we're in a ship and you want to write that over Discord, I may be open to it. That said, too, I will ONLY write nsfw with people and muses who are OVER 18. There is no exception to this. That noted, too, Arthur's in his 30's so a massive age gap may not appeal to him much either.

SHIPPING: 

I’m going to sound like a hardass but: I am a highly selective shipper on here, and the ships that do appear on this blog are ones I have had for quite some time. Everything of a romantic nature will need to be discussed with me and the chemistry has to be there for me to agree to shipping. I’m not an insta-shipper, nor am I accepting to pre-established romantic relationships outside of those in canon. They will need to be discussed with me like every other ship and may be subject to me disagreeing to do it. Otherwise, I am multi-ship, despite being highly selective, and I’m fine with discussing them but please be aware of this.

FOLLOWING, DRAMA, AND DUPLICATES: 

I will usually give someone a day or two of active posting after following before I unfollow if I don't receive one back. I don't mean anything personal by that, I'm simply making sure I don't accidentally like or send anything in if we aren't mutuals. That said, too, I am selective with who I do follow. If you're a sideblog and you don't have that blog easily accessible on your main blog or you don't message me about it, I'm likely going to miss it. I don't follow rp blogs that are run more like personals if only to keep my dash slower. Also, generally, if our writing styles don't mesh, you're rude to me, or you post nasty things, I will likely unfollow/block/or not follow back.

I don’t interact with or reblog callout posts. I don't have great patience with ooc drama and will likely unfollow if there is a lot of it being posted by you.

Following and being followed by duplicates (other Arthurs) is completely fine with me. However, with the mentality sometimes, I won't go out of my way to follow first if only to avoid making anybody uncomfortable by me doing so. I'm also non-exclusive for general interactions, so multiples of the same character I am fine with. I may take mains, however, which means these blogs get priority over plots and focus in headcanons, etc.

CROSSOVERS AND ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: 

I'm crossover friendly so long as I know the character/fandom. That said, if I just can't get into it or make it fit, I won't force it.

I love original characters and you guys are cool with me, however I do need to see at least some stats or a verse we can interact in before I follow/follow back. I'm also fine with your OC knowing Arthur in their backstory but, again, romantic stuff needs to be talked over with me first.

STARTER CALLS: 

I've found that I don't enjoy doing starter calls. I may do them here and there when the urge strikes, but the best way to interact with me is to message me or continuing memes sent or sent to me. I'm also more than happy to like other starter calls, too, if you want to throw them my way.

QUESTIONS?: 

No. Go away. >:(

I’m kidding. Just drop me a message, I’ll get back to you. I also have a Discord available to mutuals, if that’s what you prefer. I promise I’m not as much as a hard ass as these rules make me seem.

ABOUT THE MUN: 

Hey! Thank you for reading these if you do. A little introduction here: my name is Rory, I'm 25, Canadian and operate mostly out of the GMT-7 time zone. Though, I tend to post at odd hours so that may not be too noticeable. I'm nonbinary and I prefer they/them. I'm a full time university student, which means that I may disappear when studies pile up or my time is divided. That said, I do enjoy talking to people when I'm able. My IMs and Discord are always available to mutuals, just drop me a message.

#failed: rory has died . || ooc . #;pinned #[Figured I could do a more mobile friendly thing on here to pin #or more mobile friendly to Tumblr lol] #/// long post #[I hope the readmore works on the dash rn #if not I'm sorry]

[thatonemsft15]

Knbvdaychallenge2020

Day 3 - Flowers/You’re beautiful, you know that?

Summary: Riko has self-doubts. There’s nothing Hyuuga has ever doubted about her (besides her cooking).

Relationship: Aida Riko/Hyuuga Junpei

Author’s Note: I know I’m late, but my fics wanted to cause trouble and end up longer than I intended, so I’m hecticly trying to get through them. This is the first one I was able to finish, and my first time ever posting a fic for Kuroko no Basket. Hope you guys like it!

Prompts by @vanilla-daydreams and @theuglycrybaby. Thank you guys so much for this little fandom boost!

Read it on AO3

Hyuuga is worried.

It’s not a particularly new feeling. He was worried when Kiyoshi got injured. He was worried they wouldn’t get any new recruits when their second year started. He’s been in a non-stop state of worry over losing his damn mind since they did get new recruits, and they all turned out to be little shits he regularly wants to beat the crap out of.

He’s never been worried about Aida Riko.

The toxic waste she calls food, yes, (Kagami’s been helping in that regard, so maybe he won’t have to risk dying just to spare her feelings anymore) but never Riko herself. Riko has only ever been strong, it’s one thing he’s always been able to count on, but earlier today she looked…frail.

Not pale, not ill, not malnourished. Hyuuga has seen her be all of those things at one point or another, but her resolve never once wavered. The strength of her mind, her character, everything that makes up the Riko he fears, admires, and lo—respects, seemed to have vanished. The Riko of today looked as if saying one wrong thing to her could shatter her into pieces.

So yeah, he’s worried. Even more so when he walks into their fifth class—ten minutes late because he had to speak with another teacher about a failed assignment—to find her usual seat empty. He gets scolded by their English teacher, and informed of what pages of grammar exercises to complete for the first half of class, before taking his usual seat by Koganei and Mitobe.

“Where’s Riko?” Hyuuga asks gruffly.

Koganei shrugs, brows furrowed in concentration. English has always been his worst subject.

Hyuuga clenches his jaw. He doesn’t know how to deal with things like this. It’s one of those situations that makes him wish he were more like Kiyoshi.

Kiyoshi’s an instigating bastard that likes to pretend he’s an airhead, but he always seems to know what people need. Hyuuga has never been good with other people—he’s not even sure how he’s managed to keep Izuki as a friend for so many years. He doesn’t even know how to ask someone what’s wrong without sounding like a dick.

Kiyoshi does.

Should he make an excuse to leave class and go find her?

Kiyoshi would.

What does Riko do when she’s upset? Where would she go?

Kiyoshi probably knows stuff like that.

He’s spent so much time trying to avoid certain aspects of his relationship with Riko that he’s realizing he may have neglected some very important other ones.

Koganei’s distraught voice breaks him out of his downward spiral.

“Rinn, for the last time, I don’t need your help. I’m gonna figure it—what?” Hyuuga leans over, catching Mitobe as he cuts Koga off with a serious of flustered gestures and a melancholy expression. “Oh.Oh.”

Koganei turns to him then, eyes somber.

Hyuuga feels a twinge of panic crawl up his spine. “What?”

“Mitobe says he might know where Riko is.”

He gives Koganei a ‘go on’ look, but the cat-mouthed boy just looks uncomfortable, shifting in his seat. Hyuuga promptly loses his patience.

“Am I gonna have to beat it out of you?”

He can tell Koganei wants to roll his eyes, but meets him with a serious expression instead.

“He said she’s probably at her mom’s grave.”

Hyuuga is silent and still for what feels like an impossibly long time. “Her mom’s…dead?”

Koganei turns to Mitobe, translating his ‘sign language’. “Yeah, a few years ago today.”

Hyuuga…doesn’t understand. Why wouldn’t he know something like this?

“She told you this?”

“No, he was looking up Kagetora-san and found articles from that year.”

Hyuuga leans back in his seat, mind wandering. He hasn’t opened his workbook, hasn’t even unzipped his bag.

He’s never asked Riko about her family. They’ve talked about her dad, of course, ever since Hyuuga found out who he was, but she’s never mentioned her mother.

Kiyoshi would know about Riko’s mom, because he would have asked. He’d know where to find her. He’d know how to console her.

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath, quickly gathering his bag. Mitobe and Koganei peer up at him, startled.

He ignores them, and their teacher’s disgruntled call of “Hyuuga-san!”, rushing out of the classroom. He doesn’t stop for anyone who calls out to him on his way out of the building, his thoughts swirling around and taunting him.

If Kiyoshi were here, he wouldn’t have let her out of his sight until he figured out the problem, and tried one of his patented Kiyoshi fix-it disasters that somehow always end up working.

If Kiyoshi were here, she wouldn’t have had to deal with this on her own.

If Kiyoshi were here…Hyuuga clenches his fists.

Sometimes, he feels like he’s the one who should’ve gone to America.

Sometimes, he wishes Kiyoshi was the one in love with Riko.

*****

“Romantic feelings toward Riko? Oh no, not at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love her. I love you. You guys are my best friends.”

“Oh. Thanks, I guess?”

“Also, I’m very gay.”

Hyuuga spits out his drink. Kiyoshi just laughs, clapping him on the back and handing him a napkin.

*****

Hyuuga finds her fairly easily. He always does.

It took less five minutes to find an article that mentioned which cemetery Riko’s mom is buried in, and with only one stop on the way, the trip was only about forty minutes in total. Upon arriving to the ornate cemetery gates, he’d spotted a head of short, caramel colored hair and their school uniform almost immediately, way up on one of the highest points of the lot.

He scales the hill, approaching a large, grey marble headstone cautiously, making just enough noise to alert Riko of his presence. He stops a few feet away from where she’s sitting with her knees hugged to her chest.

She doesn’t turn to face him, but addresses him all the same. “Hi Hyuuga.”

“How’d you know it was me?” He responds, softly for once.

“I saw you walking up to the gate.” Riko’s voice sounds thick with emotion. Grief.

He nods. Without another word, he bends down to gingerly place the bundle of flowers against the stone. He sits himself down down by Riko, close enough for comfort, but far enough not to crowd her space.

“Lilies?”

“For remembrance.”

“Ah. Thank you.”

Hyuuga shakes his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

Riko laughs weakly. “How could you have? It’s not like I go around broadcasting it.”

He wants to argue that he could’ve paid better attention, even done the slightest bit of research on her father like Mitobe apparently did, but this isn’t about him.

“She was a beautiful woman.” He acknowledges the photo resting against the stone. It’s of Riko’s father and a short-haired woman smiling with a smaller Riko in her arms.

“She was, wasn’t she? She was an amazing mom. Always there for me, encouraging me to do or be whatever made me feel best. Driven, too. She was well on her way to becoming one of the best family lawyers in Tokyo. My dad was obsessed with her.” Riko laughs. Hyuuga can definitely imagine that. “It was always such a nice thing to witness, two people loving each other as much as they did.”

They sit in silence for a few moments. There’s a gentle breeze in the air, and the wafting smell of the lilies he brought permeates the air around them.

“Sometimes I think I’ll never have what they had.”

“Why not?”

“Most guys are afraid of girls like me, like my mom. Ones who are intelligent, ambitious, headstrong,” Riko plucks at her t-shirt. “Who look like thirteen year old boys without a skirt and hair clip. And the boys who aren’t afraid of girls like me are usually weirdos like my dad.” She shivers, wrapping her arms around her legs again.

Hyuuga gazes at her side profile. There’s so many things he wants to say, but he’s not sure if he should say any of them at all, if he even can.

He thinks about how they met. How she helped them form the team that changed all of their lives for the better. He thinks of Saturday afternoons spent shopping, after school study sessions, her father’s knowing glare.

How she trusts him to cut her hair.

Of ordering food and knowing each other’s preferences.

Shared smiles, lingering eye contact, brief touches.

He thinks of everything he knows about her, everything he doesn’t, and how he’s going to bring that gap. He thinks and thinks and thinks, but he isn’t saying anything, and he knows that he has to say something.

His heart races. “I’m not afraid of you.”

Riko scoffs. “Are too.”

Hyuuga nods, because yeah, he is, but that’s not what he meant. “Well yeah, obviously I’m afraid of you. You’re a scary ass coach, but,” He takes a deep, shaky breath, and decides to follow through. “I’m more afraid of losing you as a friend than anything else. Any guy worth a damn would feel the same.”

Riko looks at him then, really looks at him. As if she’s doing one of her scans. He tries not to swallow nervously. He’s getting closer and closer to confession territory. After a painfully long and intense stare down, she gives him a small, barely there smile.

“You don’t have to be afraid of that.” Riko stands, brushing the dirt and grass off of her knee high socks and skirt. “Thank you, for bringing the flowers. And for being here.”

There’s no place I’d rather be.

“No problem.”

On the walk home, there’s a river bank with stone ledges. Riko trots ahead of him, climbing up on the ledge to walk across like a tightrope.

The sun is setting, and it casts a brilliant light around them, dancing off of the water. Riko leans her head back as she walks, smiling softly with the sunlight shining behind her like a halo. Hyuuga blushes.

He isn’t Kiyoshi. He never will be, doesn’t want to be, but there are certain things he can appreciate about the sneaky bastard.

Kiyoshi would tell her how he feels.

“For the record, I don’t think you look like a thirteen year old boy, ever.” He’s ashamed to say he mumbles the last part, cheeks flaming and facing away from Riko. “I think you’re beautiful.”

It’s still not a confession, but it’s about as much as he can take for the day, and piggybacking off of her feelings over her deceased mother just feels wrong. It’s enough for him to try and assuage any lingering doubts she has about herself.

When he finally works up the courage to face her again, Riko is peering at him with a curious expression. He’s more interested in the tinted color of her cheeks, though, and how her eyes seem to say what neither of them could probably ever manage.

But when she hops down from the ledge, fitting herself into his personal space and letting their hands graze each other lightly, he knows that nothing really needs to be said.

(Except maybe a thank you to Kiyoshi, for entangling himself into Hyuuga’s life so thoroughly that he can use him as a comforting standard, but he’ll die before ever letting Kiyoshi know about that.)

#knbvdaychallenge2020 #knb #hyuuga junpei #aida riko #hyuuga x riko #knb fanfiction #kuroko no basket #kuroko no basuke

[fanfic-scribbles]

Lunch Buddy: Chapter Fifteen

Masterlist

<<Previous Chapter Next Chapter>>

Overall Story Facts:

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Story Summary: Steve Rogers makes a friend. A prickly, generally people-averse friend, but they’ll both take what they can get.

Quick Facts: Friendship (/Eventual Romance) – Steve Rogers & Reader (leading to Steve Rogers/Reader) – Female Reader

Story Warnings: Reader-insert that verges on OFC, written in 1st person past tense

Chapter 15: Avoidance

Chapter Summary: The thing about avoiding your problems is that you always have to face them sooner than you think.

Chapter Word Count: 2611

A/N: Slight warnings for a little bit of angsting, and it’s a little light on Steve content (though he eventually appears from afar). Anywho. I wish I could say something cool like ‘enjoy the pining!’ but I have no idea how long I can actually keep them apart considering I have been mushing two dolls together in my head and going ‘now kiss!’ since I started posting. There will be a little pining though. Like, maybe a car air freshener, at least. Enjoy!

    I avoided Steve for the rest of the long weekend. It was easier than it might have been had he not been called in for something. Though we still had texting, he was busy and I didn’t instigate. Even when we did communicate, my responses were short and didn’t leave much for follow up. He probably assumed I needed time to de-socialize, because that was the kind of guy he was, sweet and caring and all good things. Meanwhile, I knew exactly why I was trying not to talk to him, and it stressed me the hell out.

I didn’t want to think about any of it and found my perfect excuse on Monday morning, when a work project made me skip lunch and go into overtime. I immediately texted Steve telling him I’d be busy for a few days and threw myself into work. Unfortunately the project was too time-sensitive and it was done before I even clocked out Tuesday afternoon.

“Okay, this definitely isn’t about money anymore,” my boss said that evening, just when he was packing up. “Do you have a spouse you’re having a fight with?”

“I’m just…looking for stuff to do. To keep me busy.” I didn’t back down when he stared at me. “Just for this week?”

He sighed heavily and rubbed his face. “Okay. Lunches and up to one hour after if you spend it working on organizing the junk drive. Make real progress on cleaning that out and I’ll approve the overtime.”

That was two hours of mindless-but-incredibly-draining work that would put me at a worse commute time and make me crawl into bed at the end of the day, and hopefully completely wipe me out on the weekend.

Perfect.

“Thank you!” I said and started to bound out to get started on the one job everybody in my department passed around like it was a beach ball on fire.

“Seriously,” he said and I stopped. He stood there with his bag over his shoulder and asked, “Are you okay?”

I almost smiled, but remembered that would be out of character. “I’m fine,” I said and shrugged one shoulder. “Holidays, you know?”

It worked. For the most part. I at least had a plausible excuse to keep Steve off my back, and my boss didn’t press any further, and I made progress on the most mind-numbing task ever embarked upon by an actual human with an actual brain.

The only problem was that it wasn’t numbing enough. As much as I tried to avoid thinking about Steve at all, he was still in my phone, as was Sam, and even Clint and Natasha now too. Pepper wasn’t a very social texter, thankfully, but I kept getting pulled back to Steve in other ways. In the course of three days I: saw a tuft of blonde hair that made me do a double-take, heard his recorded laugh as I passed by someone who didn’t understand the concept of using headphones, and had to listen to a few older ladies gossip about ‘what a man’ he was in unfiltered detail. I even had a dream about some of the things they said because the universe hated me, apparently.

And then there was Steve himself, not texting that much, but always taking the time to send me a little photo every day that was obviously meant to make me laugh. He even sent me the ‘Hang in there’ kitten poster (which made me snort way too loudly in public) along with ‘I dare you to use this for your lockscreen for a month.’

I texted back, ‘What do I get for it?’ before I realized I was breaking my own goddamn rules and smashed my face into my desk.

Steve: Something good ;)

Oh god. Did he know what he was doing? If he did I wished he would have just put me out of my fucking misery already.

Steve: How’s work?

Fuck.

Me: Busy. Me: How’s work? Steve: Almost done Steve: I hope your job lets up this weekend Steve: Sam is coming back with me and we’re hoping you can come out with us

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Me: We’ll see

Work did let up. Unfortunately. I made good progress on organizing the long-forgotten junk drive and my boss repaid me and betrayed me in the same breath.

“I’ll approve the overtime,” he said. “But that’s it for now. You look exhausted and I need you to take the weekend to rest up, okay?”

It was the one and only time I had ever wished to have a bastard boss again. But I was tired, and I didn’t have any excuses. “Okay,” I said and left his office feeling miserable. I got home pretty quick for a Friday night, which just left me more time to think about things I really didn’t want to think about. And there was only one cure for that.

The club was busier than I was used to, busier than it had any right to be with the night just really beginning, but as soon as I got in I made a beeline for the bar and snaked in the first opening I could find. It was loud, and too crowded, and I really wasn’t up for this, but I didn’t know what else to do. So I started drinking.

That was a bad idea. Aside from the ‘using alcohol to try and drown your emotions’ being a baseline fucking awful idea, it also didn’t fucking work.

Couples. They were everywhere. Leaning next to each others’ ears, making out along the wall, dancing together like it was foreplay; they were so all over the place that even the fake ID crowd seemed less obnoxious by comparison.

Except for when a gaggle of party girls yelled right next to me for no real reason and reminded me they really weren't. The music thumped and I winced and turned away from watching the floor to sip my drink at the bar like the true lonely miser I was.

And wasn’t that just the thing.

Loneliness, as a thing in my life, had stopped bothering me after a while– or maybe I had just stopped noticing it– either way, it wasn’t generally a thing I dwelled on. I took for granted that I wasn’t the type anyone would settle in with; I was too…whatever. So for the longest time I had just assumed I’d be on my own and I was okay with it. I knew I could handle it, and figured I and everyone else was better off for it. People came and went, and no one ever stuck around before– not that I ever gave them a real reason to. And if I couldn’t make friendships work, I had no business getting into a relationship. It truly didn’t bother me. Most of the time.

So it figured I would fall for the first person I’d had qualify as ‘friend’ in a while. That thought was slightly concerning, but as long as I didn’t make these feelings Steve’s problem, I could sleep easy at night. For the most part. The question was how to deal with it. Did I continue as normal and bottle this up for the rest of time, hoping it would fade out? Did I continue as normal but let him know, and let him decide if he wanted to stick around?

Or did I just…let go. Did I stop putting in the time to keep this friendship going. Did I stop responding, start avoiding him, and just fade out of his life even easier than I had faded in. That seemed like a real option. I was so naturally good at it, had done it so much by accident, he wouldn’t even miss me. After a while I doubt he would remember I existed.

My mouth tasted sour and bitter and I tossed back my drink. It didn’t help.

~

An hour later I was home, sitting at my kitchen counter and hanging my face over a cup of tea that got colder by the minute. My head still pulsed in time with the beat that had driven me out of the club, but it had become less and less over time.

My phone buzzed. “Shh,” I said softly, but it ignored me and I looked over only to hurt my neck when I did a double-take. Steve had sent three texts. Shit. I sat up and opened my phone directly to my messages. If Steve had gotten injured again I was really going to hurt him.

Fortunately the first message was a simple ‘Hey’ sent soon after I had set out on my ill-advised adventure. The next was ‘Are you busy?’ and then simply my name.

I hesitated. I had the terrible thought that here was where I could start ghosting on out of his life. Fade away like the nonentity I was.

I swallowed and sent back, ‘Sry. Went out’

Steve: Oh Steve: Good :) Steve: How are you? Me: Okay Me: You? Steve: I’m okay

The conversation stalled and I realized why I had even considered ghosting– it was easy to not respond when you didn’t know what to say.

Me: Good Steve: Can I ask you Steve: Are you really okay?

His texts came too fast after mine to be responding to the silence. Fuck.

Me: Yes Me: Why?

I shouldn’t have asked, but I had a bad feeling about this. I tapped my fingers on the table while I waited for a response.

Steve: You haven’t been talking to me much lately Steve: I’m just Steve: worried Steve: Was it Thanksgiving? Steve: Was I inappropriate?

Shit, shit, shit. I hit my forehead on the table which, fucking ow, but I deserved it. I had never intended for him to feel bad for something that wasn’t his fault, nor was it ever supposed to be his problem. It wasn’t right for him to be upset because of my bullshit. So I decided to be honest.

Me: No Me: It’s not you Me: It’s very definitely me Me: I’m mis Me: miserable Me: And awful Steve: You’re not Me: Am too Me: It’s not you tho Me: I’m having a hard time Me: That’s all

Honest to a point, at least.

Steve: I’m sorry Steve: Can I help? Me: No Me: Gotta Me: Push through Steve: Okay Steve: I’m your friend though Steve: You can always come to me Steve: And hey Steve: Sam and I are going out tomorrow for dinner Steve: I’ll text you the details just in case you’re up to it Steve: But I won’t expect anything Steve: Is that okay?

Why did he have to be so fucking thoughtful all the time. Why did he have to be someone so out of my league in every single way.

Me: Fine Me: Can’t promise Steve: That’s okay <3

I was going to straight up murder whoever taught him fucking heart symbols. Preferably by taking their heart.

Steve: Have you eaten yet? Me: Don’t wanna Steve: How about dessert?

‘Only if you’re here to share it,’ I thought. The worst part was that it wasn’t even sexual– I just wanted him here. With me. All of the time. Okay, maybe not all of the time, but most of the time. And that was new. That was different. That scared the hell out of me.

Then there was a knock at my door and I froze up. Nobody had buzzed for me and while my building wasn’t exactly Fort Knox, I also didn’t expect company I didn’t explicitly invite over. I gave it a few seconds but kept my connection to Steve in hand (just in case) and went to the peephole.

Me: Someone knocked. If I don’t respond maybe send help Steve: It’s safe :)

I squinted at the message and then peered out again. I didn’t see him at all and it wasn’t like him to hide. I cautiously opened the door and looked around but there was no one– but there was something.

A bakery box sat in front of my door, with a note scrawled on receipt paper that had my name followed with very flowery bubble letters telling me to “Feel Better!” from a hand-scrawled smiling sunflower.

I stared at it, picked up the box, brought it in, set it on the counter, and stared at it some more.

Steve: Okay now you’ve put that thought into my head I’m a little worried Steve: Are you okay? Me: brb Me: crying into cake Steve: Don’t cry Steve: Or cry if you need to I guess Steve: But eat something too Steve: I’ll say good night here Steve: And text you again with dinner info Steve: Again, only if you want to. Sam and I will NOT be slighted Steve: I promise Me: Good night Steve Steve: Good night <3

“Just fucking end me,” I muttered and stared at the screen while I dug into the cake with a fork. (It was small; I felt no shame.) It was also so unbelievably good that I actually stopped and checked out the box.

Me: Wait, how did you get a cake this late??? Steve: Asking the real questions

I laughed. That surprised me, but I couldn’t help it.

Me: It’s really good Me: Thank you Steve: Anytime

I forced myself to think about this whole…situation…while I ate. Phasing out of his life was, apparently, not much of an option if he was just randomly thinking of me like this. And I knew now very firmly that even accidentally hurting him was not an option. Love was an easy word for complicated emotion, but it was the best way I knew how to classify how deeply I cared for him. And I cared, to the point where if anybody was going to get hurt, I’d rather it be me.

The more I thought about it though, the more I had real hope that maybe nobody would get hurt at all. Steve was a really good guy. So even if he accidentally found out (I knocked on wood at the thought) it wouldn’t be the end of everything. He wouldn’t let it be the end of everything; he would be flattered, reject me politely, and we could move on. I hoped.

And for once, the best-case scenario didn’t seem the least likely. I trusted Steve that much. That was something I didn’t want to look into too much, but to be fair, he also trusted…me. He would know I wasn’t infatuated with some aspect of him and we might even work past this together. If not, he would give me the chance to work past it on my own, and I wasn’t about to let him down.

The box topped off my trash so I pulled the bag together and got ready to make the trek to take it out. Coming out the door I almost ran right into my neighbor, Robert, who was apparently doing the same thing.

“Hey,” he said. I was polite like a real human being and asked after his wife and kids. We made some more small talk on the way, and he even waited to hold the chute open for me. When I lifted the bag, his eyes zeroed in on the box stuffed half in the top. “Oh, that place is nice. You celebrating something?”

“No,” I said and shoved it in. “I…wasn’t feeling so great. So a friend sent it to me.”

“That must be a pretty good friend,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said, thinking about Steve and finally feeling hopeful. “A really good friend.”

<<Previous Chapter Next Chapter>>

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers & reader #captain america fanfic #avengers fanfic #reader insert #lunch buddy

[justfandomwritings]

Hey, I was just wondering if you will be continuing the magneto fic? I understand if you aren’t going to. But I was just wondering with all the stuff that happened around it.

I frequently get upset with readers over the lack of support shown to myself and other writers on this website. Often times, I share posts which express that discontent, and frequently I add my voice to those posts in ways that I feel contribute to the discussion and show readers how harmful that lack of support can be to writers mentally and emotionally. Sometimes, I am even the creator of these posts, particularly when I come upon readers who do not comment/reblog yet still ask me when I will update, tell me to add them to my taglists, or even in some cases act as though they are entitled to the next chapter of a story. Occasionally, when I can be certain that an anon is involved in the general lack of support shown to authors or if I am aware of a specific incident, I don’t bother with the time it takes to entertain whatever compliment is being thrown my way by someone who isn’t willing to publicly comment or give credit where it’s due to the work they enjoyed. 

That agitation is, I feel understandably, compounded after I lose friends to the kind of behavior and entitlement frequently exhibited by some readers of fanfiction on this website. In recent days, weeks, and months, I have been forced to watch a number of my dearest friends give up on tumblr or give up on writing entirely either because the lack of support was just too disheartening to bother with or because, despite my protests, they had been led by readers’ consumption without credit to believe they were not talented enough to warrant reading. 

And while people who’ve been around my blog for a long time will remember the days I was an apologist for readers and defended their inaction and gave them the benefit of the doubt, age has made me a wiser individual, and I no longer make excuses for that behavior. 

The specific incident you’re referring to was between myself and two anons after I posted my Magneto fic. 

I have had multiple fics in a row at this point which I was hoping to continue perform incredibly poorly compared to past fics I have posted in those fandoms and generally in comparison to the number of followers I have in those fandoms. As I’ve always said, I write for me but I post for you guys. So, I’ve finished writing them because I enjoy writing, but I haven’t taken the time to format and post them because I don’t want to waste my time on that sort of thing. 

I followed those up with a Magneto fic; I had put out a call a few months ago for Magneto requests and got a rash of responses, so in general it was something I felt fine about. 

The first anon sent me an excited compliment about how they could not wait for part two and genuinely enjoyed part one. At the time, that Magneto fic had been up for several hours and only had 6 notes, all of which were likes. This assured me that that anon had not reblogged my post despite seemingly enjoying it. 

To which, I responded pointing out this discrepancy. I didn’t intend that to be a targeted attack at that person, more a PSA that “Hey, sending asks anonymously on my blog where people will already see the fic does nothing to actually give me credit for this thing you got for free and enjoyed.” 

Clearly, to that individual, my message did not come across that way, because that person came off anon to inform me that they had only found my blog that day and because of that Magneto fic and I believe the quote was, “I guess you don’t want a follow then.” 

While I generally don’t think that being new to a blog is an excuse that gets you out of supporting an author, especially if you feel a fic was worthy of following said author, I can see how, if they felt attacked by my post, that person wouldn’t have done so after. 

I take full responsibility if my post came off rude, and I did attempt to explain the situation to that individual when they messaged me off anon. Given that they have not responded to it, I cannot be sure if said explanation was sufficient or forgiven. What I can tell you is that that person is still following me and did not reblog the Magneto fic before or after I posted a response to their message. It’s all fair in my book.

What’s not fair, is the second anon who injected themselves into the situation. I am assuming that the hateful third ask was not from the same individual as the first two, because no one in their right mind would respond to an open explanation of the situation by turning around and vehemently attacking a person, that’s crazy. So I am begging the question of who the second individual is if they felt entitled to butt in to a conversation they were not part of and were aware the original anon was agitated by my response.

“Clearly the only thing that matters to you is numbers and since that one doc didn’t get a satisfactory number you should just delete your whole blog because you don’t deserve followers if you treat them like that. So how does zero followers sound?“

A) The only thing that matters to me is that fic authors, whether that be myself or my friends, do not lose their passion for writing because of the behavior of others. I assure you my posts do not generally get enough support for me to base my contentment on notes. I doubt any author’s posts get enough notes to base their contentment off of them. 

B) Regarding how I treat my followers, maybe my message to the first anon could have been misconstrued as rude, but it was by no means abusive towards that individual, which this anon is being.

C) Even if numbers were all that mattered to me, why does that matter to you? Why does what I value give anyone the right to take advantage of my hard work and effort? If an author only cared about notes, how would that excuse anyone from giving credit to an author who put blood, sweat, and tears into creating free content for you. 

Readers often use this defense for their behavior, and frankly it’s pathetic, moronic, and downright insulting. “Oh God, you only care about the notes.” No, no author cares about the notes. Notes don’t matter at all, but what they represent does matter. What authors care about is being appreciated for the hard work they’ve put in for you, and notes are how you show that appreciation on tumblr, and reblogs are how you give credit to that author for the FREE entertainment you received. 

D) I don’t think most readers realize how much hate writers get. We get hate from the rest of the world, from people who don’t like fanfiction, from people who don’t understand fanfiction, fro other writers, from other fandoms, from readers who don’t like our writing, from readers who don’t like our plot, from readers who don’t like our character choices. We are baraged with so much hate when all we’re doing is something we love, and we’re doing it for free for other people to enjoy. If I could go back to zero followers without losing all the rest of the work I’ve put into this blog over half of a decade, then I would take it in a heartbeat because with followers come people like this and buckets and buckets of hate. 

E) I’ve seen this wording before in messages, and it does make me wonder if it’s the same anon. 

Ages ago now (or it feels like ages ago, because after lots of work I managed to let that one go), I got almost word for word the exact same message except with the words “kill yourself” replacing “delete your whole blog”. 

Whether this anon is that same individual or not, I cannot be sure as tumblr no longer allows you to block anons to my knowledge. What I can be sure of is that if your message reminds someone of a time they were told to commit suicide, you’re probably in the wrong. 

...

All of that said, I don’t hold any ill will towards the individual who came off anon and spoke with me. While I still disagree with not supporting writers, that blog is just one of many who didn’t reblog but enjoyed it. 

The second anon and I have issues, and normally I would cut my losses, delete my replies to their post, and delete the fic. But this time I’m not going to do that. In part, because this individual’s logic is so far afield, I think they’re crazy. In part, because that anon made an issue of my response to something and not the fanfiction itself. In part, because I’m actually holding out hope that person will come off anon and talk to me like the first one did. 

But largely because I have let readers and followers make demands of me, trounce over me, push me around, make me feel guilty about nothing, and generally treat me like garbage for so long that I just can’t do that anymore. I don’t think I could keep writing if I let one more person walk over me like a door mat. I’ve been writing on here or other sites for a decade now. I’ve had my fill of being the spineless, non-confrontational, non-controversial, supportive blog. 

So the fic stays up. Whether I finish it on tumblr or not remains to be seen. But even if it’s not posted here, it will be finished on AO3 (It is there under the same title and the same account name. I will let everyone here know if I make the decision to only upload it there.)

Thank you very much for asking. That was probably a much longer response than you thought you were in for, so I’m sorry about that. I just thought I’d take the opportunity to explain.

Hope you have a lovely day my dear! 

[pearloftheorient]

sorry to not be a fandom blog or roleplay blog for a moment. i just feel like i wanna express a bit of a heart-to-heart, just a quick rundown of whatever’s going on and how it all happened from my perspective. i mean i don’t even care if nobody reads this, but as someone who expresses a lot more in writing i feel like i should take this opportunity to help unload, you know?

so the lockdown definitely hit us here on friday the 13th in march, which didn’t feel as bad as it was. as a nurse i’ve had this weird concept that a lot of the common diseases that spread around can easily be blown up by social media (hold that thought for later lol) and i just you know, say you should just wash your hands, it’ll be okay. i mean i tend to take the logical route when it comes to health care?? because that’s what i studied and i feel like i owe it myself not to panic TOO MUCH. plus, my husband (an intellectual) also had the same attitude towards media being exaggerated, so like i’m copying his cool attitude as much as i can. i mean we even went to budapest just a week prior, watched a play, mingled with clusters and clusters of people..... and even though people already started wearing masks, i even make fun of them for wearing it wrong or just being quite excessive and wearing gloves in public (i still don’t like seeing gloves in public and if you’re a health care professional you might feel exactly the same way)....

and then they told me on that friday that all of the training days for the next three weeks that i have worked hard to set up, study for, book on rotas, juggled, invited speakers for (i’m a nurse-educator and i organise staff training as part of my job) are now to be stopped. my staff are now asking me about their learning opportunities, is the course gonna go on, and i feel a bit more responsible to give the correct information but i just don’t know where to get it??

then come monday, it was a whole different story again. since the non-clinical aspect of work has been indefinitely stopped, i am one of the people who had been expected to go back into the clinical area and handle patients (i mean i still do this despite my role, but i now have to do it more often). which was fine because handling patients is my happy place, i feel like it is within my remit, i know exactly what i’m doing most of the time, i have a smaller scale to tackle and that’s gonna ease my brain a bit while the world starts to fall into chaos. i’ve done this for the next few weeks. i did mostly clinical shifts, and just do some admin stuff like once a week?? just so i can keep up with the new developments and properly disseminate information, like what PPE are we gonna have, train people in wearing them, what we actually need to do if we get patients with COVID, crash courses for those who will be redeployed, cancelling and cancelling and cancelling study days and training days and finding multiple alternative ways so people still maintain standards despite not having the face-to-face training....

as a nurse-educator, i also feel like i should always watch the news and be aware of the latest guidelines, what WHO wanted us to do, how am i gonna apply this for my colleagues and the safety of our patients... so i’ve done that on a regular basis, and my brain is just filled with information and i actively help in setting up bedspaces with the initial instructions of what PPE to wear....

and then towards the end of march, people are dying. and the fact that it was building in numbers made it more real. and now i started to question what i already know, if we’re actually doing the right thing, but why do other countries do it differently?? why do other hospitals do it differently?? how come people are still on the street?? decisions from the government and the big execs just fluctuate and this trial and error approach just all of a sudden.....became the new normal. 

and then we’re all like, but we just have to work together - since all of our non-clinical stuff had been on standby then we can just focus on working clinically, doing patient care. and then i was given the instructions to gather nurses from my unit (we deal with neonates - babies - like i personally haven’t got a clue on how adults work anymore as i haven’t handled one for like 15 years) who can be redeployed based on their previous experience. redeployment sometimes is viewed as heroic, like wow you’re brave to work in adults despite your rusty experience just for the sake of helping with the pandemic, that’s Great. and then to some, it is their worst nightmare, being redeployed is like being fish out of water - going back to square one, not knowing exactly what you’re doing (remember how i was so confident doing clinical?? yeah that’s only for neonates). and then the solidarity feel like, yeah but at least you’re not alone? we gonna support you?? you’ll get all the special messages, a round of applause, because you’re doing something so brave. i wasn’t redeployed, but six of my colleagues are - and every time they talk to me about how stressful it was and how scared they were being uncertain all the time and surrounded by death and suffering, i felt responsible for putting them in that position.

and then i started to feel sadder and sadder. but i can’t stop working, i am physically well, i am strong enough and i am a Great addition to the numbers. besides, with all this redeployment, we are also receiving some temporary replacements who simply had no idea how neonates work! (it’s like a full exchange programme but with little training) and it is my responsibility to make sure they are trained (i mean look, we all did LONG ASS courses to reach where we are in terms of knowledge, months and months of clinical exposure to the area to gain experience, but now i’m asked to train all of them for just ONE DAY.) and so after training, i’m like this mother duck chasing all the ducklings making sure nobody goes astray. so that was the first two weeks of my april.

it’s also when i decided to stop watching the news or looking at social media about the virus because i have enough stress going on, and i don’t wanna like sound so depressed whenever i’m teaching this new people that are coming to us. i have to be open and warm and welcoming and maintain a cheery attitude despite my patience running so infinitesimally thin. i’ve always been known for my calmness and patience. i may be an anxious bean but i’m quite good in not letting it show in my handiwork.

so i know that’s been stressful - but the good things, i am definitely thankful for. people stepping up, working hard and together with less animosity. the free food was overflowing, i don’t even have to bring lunch at work anymore because there’s always something, even fresh produce because tbh everything hurt after a hard day’s work that you can’t even go grocery shopping :p we had this really posh resto that gave us free breakfast every single day and normally in this resto you like have to make reservations at least 6months before to be worthy lol. despite the back and forth decision making, we do have the right equipment to do our work, and with the virus not usually affecting the little ones, we are not heaving as much in terms of the amount of patients. and just the love, the supportive messages, the rainbow drawings, the applause - i mean just wow.

i guess the more i’m fueled to work harder. and the fact that i get to keep my job when a lot of people had been furloughed or lost theirs, i just feel i have to make it count and continue helping in ways i know how.

i have just trained the last two nurses to come (so far) when i got called that my husband got sent home because he got ill. and he is a nurse too, looking after adult patients with covid so he is getting far more exposure than me.

by protocol, i am automatically self-isolated because of him. and so for the last week of april, we are on a full lockdown, with him on a sickbed and me trying to “work from home”

i am working from home and my colleagues continue to ask me questions about work, i write guidelines, mark essays, basically all the admin stuff i’ve stopped doing because i have been pulled into clinical numbers. i constantly dreaded how my husband will be - knowing the scary stories about how the virus treated some people and the rising number of deaths, especially among frontliners. he was fine and got better, thankfully. and then i fell ill that very weekend - and i became a full dramatic binch for a week because my fever and muscle weakness definitely prevented me from doing anything productive. (this is when i binge-watched the untamed lol)

but then we both got tested and we’re both negative lol. whatever the fuck that was surely knocked us down but thankfully it wasn’t covid WHICH MEANS we should go back to work sooner rather than later. yay. we’ve been off for a total of 10 days.

and then i returned to work last week, and i felt so exhausted. apparently it was a common theme from those who had symptoms or had self-isolated (even though i am negative) and i just felt like those 10 days despite spending them mostly in bed, i felt like i ran a marathon that entire time and now i’m paying the price.

i still feel tired now after 4 days of work, and i haven’t even been clinical (they gave me the benefit of the doubt that it might be FALSE NEGATIVE) so i haven’t handled patients YET and instead focused on my admin work - which welcomed with its spiky arms fuck that shit we just had the most dramatic cases at work that i had to deal with, and that’s not even covid-related. and so my brain was also like scraped to the core lol

so anyway, yeah i guess that got long.

i mean i still haven’t talked about what’s happening in the background at this point, like my family (they are okay! thankfully. and my mom is very paranoid which means they are always taking care of themselves lol), the government in where i live and where my family lives (lotsa fucked up things happening right now out there too, dammit i’m so sorry philippines), and all my future plans for 2020 that have now been shitted on by this virus, but let’s not get overly dramatic now.

idk i just feel like pouring stuff out because apparently that’s healthy for you.

stay safe. wash your hands. stay at home if you can. frontliners - and i’m just not talking about my fellow nurses - TAKE CARE AND STAY STRONG. AND THANK YOU. but don’t be an extra hero. wear PPE when you come face-to-face with potential risks. take breaks. know where to draw the line.

#garettext #corona virus // #negativity // #hospitals //

[shadowofthelamp]

I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks, but haven’t really had the chance, and figure I might as well do it now. Writing out things about how and why I relate to/like characters is something that’s always helped me when creating my own projects, both character-based fanfiction and original stuff because it shakes out what appeals to me and why.

Anyways, this is a specific analysis of why IZ matters to me, a lot. Strap in y’all, you’re getting context. 1500 words of it. Warnings for uh.... bullying, mental illness, that whole shebang. If you could like if you read I’d appreciate it.

It’s a bit difficult to detangle exactly how you felt years ago, especially when you had undiagnosed mental illness at the time. The concrete details are this: I found IZ when I was about 11/12 years old, because some kids in my class wore Gir shirts a lot. (Thanks, guys, for being polite and explaining it to me when I asked about them!)

Something about it just clicked. The only fandom I’d been involved in before that point was Sonic, and then, it was pretty one-sided: I would consume content, but only occasionally made any of my own, and I never talked to anyone. It mattered to me sure, probably almost as much as IZ did, but for different reasons that aren’t really relevant here.

To set the scene: I was 12, bullied, depressed because of said being bullied, anxious for the same reason, and the only friends I had were all just the losers nobody else would talk to. One regularly physically pushed me around and bit me and I took it because everyone else thought I was a weirdo freak, and the other two were mostly just her friends and tolerated me. (Sidenote: Turns out she had mental stuff of her own, but geez, she needed to be helped because it was never a secret she was hurting me.)

Teachers were somewhat torn on me most of the time, because I was clearly very smart and participated in class often, but had a trigger temper that other students used to bully me, and often the teacher’s response was to blame both of us if someone riled me up to the point of snapping back. I still have problems with trusting any authority figures with any problems because of this.

I was also taught to not trust people who are being nice to me, because again, I was desperate for social interaction that wasn’t Bitey the One Friend, and that was used to pretend to compliment or talk to me and then laugh behind my back about it. I’m still seriously working through this one. I probably should talk to someone about it, honestly.

So, uh. Yeah, with that as a guideline, it’s not really a surprise I latched on to IZ. Dib was the smart yet neurotic one that was desperate to prove himself to adults that never listened, and Zim was loud and aggressive and everyone seemed to hate him even as he stumbled through everything, never really realizing just how broken he was. I’d never seen characters like that before, and I especially related to Dib.

The setting also was something I hadn’t really seen before, and it got to me in a way I can’t fully explain. It was dirty and angry and stupid and sad and felt the way I did. This was how the world came across to me at the time, as something broken and unfair, with everyone in power either willfully ignoring me yelling that something was wrong, that either everything around me was broken or I was.

I joke constantly about Dib’s Birthday, the first IZ fic I ever wrote. I’m probably never going to reread it and it’s going to rot unfinished on ffnet until the servers crash, but I found a doc where I went through the first two chapters before dying of Old Writing-Itis, and... honestly, from what I do remember? It was using the characters specifically to work through this stuff that I didn’t have any other outlet for at the time. I had a brother who knew/cared so little about me that years later he told me he never knew I ever had any problems despite the fact that I was by 14, before I started getting meds and therapy, somewhat suicidal. (The bullying had eased as I’d forced myself to blend into the background and no one cared about me anymore, but the ‘no friends and depression’ hadn’t.)

And this is where we get to the shipping stuff. ‘The world is terrible and our brains are fucked and kinda broken but at least I have you, someone who understands me’ honest to god was a lifeline at that point to me, and I don’t think anything else could have delivered it quite like Za/Dr did. I don’t doubt a lot of the fics were people channeling stuff, same way I was. I’ve noticed that, much like Yugioh, this is a fandom with a lot of people that have Stuff Going On they put in, because mental illness is a theme in the show, as little as it’s thoughtfully explored. Sort of a ‘well, we’ve got the blocks, let’s take it and use it to build our own catharsis.’

I’ve also noticed I tend to keep them the age I am- when I was about 13, they were show-aged. The one I found from when I was 14, I made Dib 14/15. And I’ve expressed I kind of regret not making Dib in AiP match my age now- 20, going on 21.

I feel like I’m exaggerating a little, and maybe I am since this is my experiences told through the funhouse mirror of fractured memory, but I also talked to myself. Like, a fair amount. Out loud. I could go entire days without talking to any other students unless I was forced to, because no one would ever talk to me first or respond if I tried, so I was sort of in a ‘why even bother?’ mode by freshman year. Everyone knew me, and already was afraid of or weirded out by me because of how often I was in and out of the principal’s office. 

(The biggest chunk of the bullying, besides name-calling and the other typical stuff, was riling me up and then getting me in trouble for snapping back. It was the same people over and over, so it took less and less to get me angry over time, so by fourth or fifth grade I was going off over seemingly nothing, but really, it was just piling a bunch of sticks on top of every other thing that had already been hurled at me, so I looked like rigged dynamite but they never looked who was lighting the matches.)

JTHM was pretty important to me for similar reasons as IZ, although that was more catharsis, the idea of just being able to get rid of people who were hurting me. I’ve said before the ‘I wish someone would just turn me off and... fix me’ panel was another one of those ‘holy shit someone else knows this feeling’ moments.

Things finally started turning around for me at about 15 when I just broke down crying at a family event and my mom pulled me aside and I was sent to therapy and got medication. Long story short, it worked, and I’m mostly better on the depression front.

Bringing this back around to IZ, it’s been kind of incredible to come back and have the fandom be- well, honestly, I can’t ever remember it being this active. I was terrified to interact directly in a way that wasn’t reading things and pushing my own content out into the void, not talking to anyone one on one. By 13, I was better about it, and soon before 14 was when I made my tumblr and started actually talking to people. I recently stumbled across age discourse from that time through tumblr’s ‘more posts like this’ function and it kind of surprised me, but I guess it’s always been there.

I’ve said before that when I remove the rose-colored glasses, my experiences weren’t always great. FC hate was something that kept me from making ocs until just a few years ago, and shipping hate was often homophobia-related. But death threats and shit were not as common, nor was the rigid 'if you like this you’re a terrible person’.

I’m just gonna end this with saying yeah, without this series I may not have had the feeling of being genuinely understood or the outlet I needed for a bunch of shit going on at the time, so IZ is really really important to me and people who shit on a ship that helped me a lot because of something that the creator said nearly 20 years after the fact can eat my ass.

#this ends kinda ship discourse related but uh #yeah #iz blogging #iz

[dancing-with-dichotomies]

“Lone Pearl Cowgirl” Ch5 update/Important mentions

I've been feeling... Pretty super horribly awful down lately, like bottom of the bottom... Been fighting several things at once. A persistant seasonal depression, probably. My massive damn writing block that's haunted every single thing I've tried to write all this damn year, and part of the last too. My damned body that just Won't. Stop. Hurting. EVER...

And my abusive family, my family that is literally in a damn cult, my family that "lowkey" supported the second-coming of the worst kinds of evil, even though not a small portion of our family once escaped that... Them holding me down, manipulating me knowing I am disabled, isolating me all my life and using me...And I can only hope that being able to live away from them won't just be a dream when I'm disabled but can't get disability, live in one of the priciest damned states in the country, and my parents keep sabotaging me and using me and manipulating me. I've tried to claw myself away from them. It hurts to keep seeing them selfishly sabotage me and having others judge me. So much of my life hurts, but especially lately, around winter, around my birthday... And they always actively dunk on me harder around my birthday...

That, plus my pain increasing, and... and, and, and... Well, you probably already get it if yer one of the ones who even really cared, so I won't go on if yer not, but...

Anyways I feel like it so I wanna tell the people who REALLY helped me to survive what was one of the worst bouts of depression I've had in years, even knowing I generally get depressed periodically... You guys are really the ones who made a difference this time and you should know it.

crappy-crapolice  -- Change yer nickname already, Crappy. Yer the awesomest. XP XD Really dude, most of the time we just BS and have fun with various fandom shit, but you've seen me at my lowest points not just once but a few times, seen me get paranoid and doubt you a few times, but you've always been so patient and amazing about reminding me that it's my mental illness making me think/believe those things. And you've always been so great at reminding me when I need those reminders, but without judging me or shaming me. You've been so nice about really listening to my issues and realizing how many struggles I face that the average person doesn't, how I get way less help, way more demands, and way more obstruction than the average person, and you've showed me real sympathy instead of the usual "get over it already, nobody cares about what happened in your past only that you can contribute in the present" or "I'm sorry that happened to you, but also this bores me, can't we just talk about nice things 24-7..." type 'sympathy' most people settle for all too quickly... You've been the one to remind me of my own limitations when most people don't even want to hear about it, won't even let me finish before they judge me. Most just settle for assuming that someone in a bad position must deserve it. That they're not working hard enough or something. You're one of the few that really understood... Because you're one of the few who really listened long enough and didn't just blow me off or dismiss me. You treated me like I'm still a normal human being even when I've been in the midst of going kinda crazy from the stress, and that's what's managed to bring me back sometimes... Also, I hardly ever even TALK about the fandom we started out in anymore, I actually kinda dislike that fandom more than not after it all was over with, and you've still treated me like a friend. A lot of people would just drift away if you weren't interested in their fandom anymore. But you care about not just my other fandom interests too, but my original work. That really means a lot to me, NOT-Crappy. Thanks, dude. <3

Iris - People like you give me hope for the future. You work so incredibly hard for such a selfless cause. People even really mistreat doctors where you're from, and you're still determined to make it your life mission to heal and save and educate as many people as you can. Of course like I've told you to, you need to remember to make time for yourself! But I'm so incredibly grateful you've made time for me too... Again, we fandom BS a lot, but we also talk about the heavy stuff too, and I wanna let you know I appreciate it, that it helps make it feel lighter about it overall and I hope you do too. You always really listen and talk with me, have answered questions I've had, and are concerned about how I'm really feeling, instead of just rushing to cover up my troubles. It's doubly impressive that you manage to be so patient when you work so long and so hard. I have some pretty bad issues with feelings of being abandoned and "disappeared", so I really especially appreciate you talking me through that. It's also super impressive to me that despite us having a couple times where we both kinda unintentionally offended the other saying things that didnt quite come out right over the keyboard, that we managed to talk to each other about how we felt about it and clarify that no harm was meant. I know you're really busy and sometimes a while goes by where we don't talk, and even still it's easy to trust that you wouldn't just disappear on me, and that you'd really care if I truly disappeared too... I just want you to know. You're not just a My Hero-fan, you're a legit real life hero to me and I know to a lot of other people too. <3 <3

closet-cryptid/Michelle - We sometimes go a while without talking nowadays, I know we both know how hard it is with a little one, and that yer net sometimes goes in and out. But again, yer one of those friends I trust enough that it doesn't  matter. It actually amazes me even more because there was a time where we had a pretty big disagreement to say the least, and both said some pretty harsh things. I was fully prepared to burn our bridge of friendship, but to my deep surprise, you actually apologized some time later, and I did too, and I feel like we're better friends for it now. And again, yer one of those people who don't just  try to cover up troubles with fandom. We have our fun fandom discussions, but you've always been really willing to listen and really be sympathetic when I need to be sad too, you care about the real me and not just the me that made content for the fandom, and that's why we're still around to still putz about the fandom junk too. IZ FOREVER! XD (and I hope you and your sisters feel better too <3)

csp124 - Yer a newer friend, but yanno, you've proven to be a good one. Again, we can putz about fandom junk or other fun stuff, but you've been truly understanding about allowing me to talk about the bad junk that's been worrying my mind so much lately. You've been really helpful especially lately because you didn't just give up on me because my illness wouldn't let me stop "being negative" for a while, as some people reduce it to. Even though I didn't want to look on the bright side for a while, you kept bringing it up to me. It took a while, others gave up on me and got frustrated or angry with me, but you're one of the ones who kept being positive when you knew I -couldn't-, not that I just -wouldn't-, and understanding of my darkness too...

unified-multiversal-theory - Everybody here has helped me along a lot in various ways this year, but you've shown a special interest in my original work especially that really helped give me the inspiration I needed to get this latest chapter done. I feel so proud and relieved to have gotten chapter five finally done, and have more hope than I have in a while that the rest might be possible too. It's really deeply disheartening, a whole new level of isolation and depression, when so many people time and again, even other creators you'd hope would get it or at LEAST encourage you a LITTLE instead of being overly critical, especially those that get heaped with praise themselves, either ignore you completely/never give you a chance or even tear your creations down, claiming that they're trying to be "helpful/constructive". It's not that I can't handle constructive criticism, but I can recognize my characters being torn down by someone who is being overly critical because they dont really care one whiff about my work and REAL, ACTUAL -constructive- criticism like the kind you gave me, where you actually found a few errors that, while it depressed me for a moment to realize I had forgotten something so silly and needed to rewrite almost a while page because of it lol, IT ACTUALLY HELPED ME FINALLY FINISH THE DANG CHAPTER INSTEAD OF PARALYZING ME WITH DEPRESSION AND FEAR ABOUT MY ENTIRE WORK. You actually discussed my ideas and plot in detail and that's been so incredibly helpful. I know like Iris yer busy, so I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to help me with this especially. This work means more than a lot to me, a lot of people just blow it off like a silly story but it's SO much more than that. Helping me with this has really improved my outlook on life lately. I know everyone knows I love and live for my daughter, that she's the reason I keep existing... But she's not the reason I was made to exist in the first place. I feel like this story and her sister-stories are. Sometimes I confuse it because everything is confusing in this world, and because there's a sea of people who think the crazy shit Christians and Muslims and men in general do makes sense but somehow I'M the really crazy one, but... Just, thanks. I just feel a lot saner now that I made progress on something that means so much to me, and to know there's at least a few people out there who also really take interest in and appreciate it. <3

itsmorethanjustafantasy - We actually don't talk too much at all lol, here and there we talk a bit about fandom, but yanno... I just wanted to mention again how nice I think you are for sending people holiday well-wishes. Growing up with 90+% of my family in the Jehovah's Witnesses cult, and because of how sick I was growing up, my birthday and other holidays were especially hard times for me. Always on the outside looking in. Trained to tell other people it didn't matter and reject any holiday wishes or gifts given to my face when they were around, but deep down always feeling so lonely and isolated and excluded. You're one of those people who just out of the blue wishes people well on the holidays. For most people it's probably just nice. I just wanted you to know it did a little more for me though. It was nice to do for me, but it also made me feel included, and like someone remembered me. Thank u for that. Belated Happy Halloween, and upcoming Merry Christmas!

In general, there were a few other people that popped in when I was temporarily mad with grief and pain and helped talk to me about the rough stuff, bookrebelwordwarrior, kendallandherstuff, and a handful of others, sorry if it's been a while and I forgot anyone specific, but yeah. To everyone who really helped me and and didn't just give up on me, who not just remembered the good in me, but helped me to eventually see it again too, and help that goodness actually -grow-... Help bring out what -I- feel is really the best of me, not what others want me to be... Thank you. I can't say I'll never be depressed again, I've seen too much and there's so much stacked against me, but I'll try my best to keep trying, to keep believing progress is possible even when it feels like your life is currently stagnant and there's an ocean of people who don't care if you die or that you even ever existed. It's sad that there's so few, but life is just barely bearable when people really show they care. <3

So, consider this latest chapter of Lone Pearl,  "Faithful Phil and the Martyred Mother", dedicated to you guys. <3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20041537/chapters/51013765

#writing #original work #original writing #space western #sci fi #western

[magicalgirlsofshoujo]

Hello Everyone

Hello everyone, after a very long time, this is Fuyu again.

To begin with, some apologies. I am sorry for disappearing without any notice. It was especially unfair to the people I was bringing on to help with the blog. I am sorry for thinking no one would really notice and letting my own self doubt and shame take the wheel.

I am also sorry that I somehow simultaneously missed a Cardcaptor Sakura revival and yet no real new magical girls of shoujo wtf.

Back on a serious note, I have some explanations. In my classic, "definitely could have said this in about half the words and with no proofreading whatsoever."

Oh gosh, this really does make me feel nostalgic.

I don't believe people have to share their personal lives if it harms them. So, don't let anything I say guilt you or your specific circumstance. Escapism is a wonderful part about fandom and the internet. Because the world is doodoo and we're all knee deep in it lately.

However, the fact that I had to run away and hide has as much to do with the nature of feel good escapism and fandom as it does with my own personal issues. What does a person do when the things they enjoy no longer make them happy?

For me the answer was to keep trying for a long time, because I felt robbed of what I love. Also, to some extent I felt I was prioritising trying to regain that feeling over confronting what was going on inside me. I did try a little bit to just take a step back. I reached out for more people to help with the blog when I started feeling the weight on me. But then getting helpers on board ended up becoming an effort in itself and my dwindling social energy just went into negative numbers.

That's why I just stood up and walked away. I had altogether too much to deal with in my brain and saying a proper goodbye somehow felt like another monumental effort.

That's also why feel an explanation of what I went through can be beneficial, because that is far from unknown in an anime fandom where otaku culture and its issues of toxicity are well known.

I do like to think I had a more wholesome attitude about it though. Teehee~

And since I was convinced no one would really care (brains are dumb) and was proven wrong upon my return even after all this time, I feel like an explanation for anyone who wanted one was warranted. Even if it's in classic Fuyu word vomit style.

I know I have always felt better when I've read stories similar to my own struggles. The feeling of, "I'm not alone!" is one that can't be underestimated. In addition, even in small areas like my little corner here, I think normalizing mental illness is a worthy cause. Everyone knows someone suffering whether they know it or not and such.

So, the short explanation is it turns out I've been living with undiagnosed ADHD. This was becoming a problem right around the time of my disappearance. For whatever reason the mechanisms I set up to deal with what I thought was laziness (primarily mainlining caffeine and forcing myself into deadlines to motivate myself) no longer worked and I would stare at computer screens where words would once come easily. This was a problem for the area of study that I loved and enjoyed so much. In my case it was also a big problem for the fandom I loved and enjoyed.

My words are all over this blog and I haven't written anything since I left.

Currently I am still exactly one course away from my undergrad degree, same as when this all started. This is at least partially because I was only diagnosed very recently.

Because I couldn't do these things I panicked and then would become extremely depressed. This was the incredibly visible problem and so when I got help I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. All are definitely true, but now we believe we diagnosed the surface symptoms and missed the underlying cause of adhd.

Instead of my anxiety, panic, and depression cycle coming from nowhere it was usually triggered directly by my lack of focus and motivation. So, years of focusing efforts on my, admittedly unbearable, moods ultimately always came up short because as soon as I felt well enough to try again, I would eventually hit the same wall in my brain and panic all over again.

The main reason I wanted to share this story is because of this difficulty in diagnosing. I don't want to get into the politics and economics of healthcare in the US that affected my care (suffice to say there were large gaps in treatment) because there's an element here that's a little more in my wheelhouse: gender.

I think the idea of gender bias in the medical community is fairly well-known, but essentially women's accounts of their symptoms are discounted by their own doctors.

This can be an issue with women and girls who suffer from ADHD because we do not match the visible checklist. Specificallyn regarding the "hyperactivity" part of ADHD. One explanation behind this, once I subscribe to, is that it's because girls are socialized differently and have different expectations.

Once upon a time, I fit the understood criteria. I would fidget all over my desk and talk to all my classmates instead of doing my work. Generally being a minor nuisance. The fidgeting issue was focused on the fact that I liked to wear skirts and that was unladylike. Going back through old report cards sees me labelled "chatty." I eventually learned to be quiet through social shame.

Honestly the gender bias regarding ADHD can be harmful for boys as well. My brother was tested at a similar age because he was disruptive and had a short temper. Nothing. They didn't acknowledge that boys being boys in the classroom might have been bullying.

I think these problems of both over-diagnosing and under-diagnosing have lowered since the nineties, but I know it hasn't gone away. There are many areas where it might have even gotten worse, especially with opioid epidemics making people suspicious of anyone who might use a medication that can be abused.

Naturally it should be said all of this is just my perspective on an ongoing journey, but I feel it's still a little worth putting out there. It's good to share our stories, because I didn't even realize I might have ADHD until someone else's little anecdote that "coffee calms me down because it makes my brain quieter." And there I was being miserable without caffeine because it's bad for anxiety.

They had even taken away my tea! DX

I feel like ADHD and similar stuff is even less uncommon in our circles too. Fandoms welcome those who feel left out by society and it's the perfect fit for those of us with intense devotion.

I'm still working my way through all this. I've been optimistic before and then fallen back into even worse holes than the one I was in when I left. But every climb out is an experience that makes the next one easier. It's an unfair to have to do at all, but it's worth doing rather than doing nothing.

As for what I'm actually going to do as FuyuMaiden and with this blog now, I don't know. This is the most I've written in a very long time and while it wasn't too difficult it was also very introspective. Stuff I have a lot of practice in dealing with my own mental health.

I'm definitely not going to force myself into anything. Especially since I haven't been keeping up with much. Like I look at cast lists for anime and I'm like "I don't recognize any of these seiyuu anymore!!! Am I old!?" Tentatively reblogging should be back up soon? Hopefully?

I think I'm going to make a discord for Magical Girls of Shoujo. Evey social media platform and phenomena is fragile, so it's good for us to have a backup. Plus I have faith in the stalwart eternity of gaming's need to talk shit. Discord will be around a while.

But I've been out of the loop so if there's any new places where fandom roams that I can also expand my ideals of magical cute stuff let me know.

And again, I am sorry for worry I caused. I love all of you and missed you very much.

#fuyu talking #blog stuff

[janiedean]

Why do you think the SW fandom is so knee-deep in SJ Calvinism? Because I understand wanting representation or being upset because a movie didn’t fulfill your expectations, but the “if you don’t ship X you’re racist” “if you don’t stan Y you’re bigoted” and the harassment over a disappointing movie is surprising just because of how pervasive it is. I was trying to find some St*rmpilot blogs to follow and the amount of hate is Yikes, especially the hate for Rose and the stans of a Certain Ship

eeeeeeh I think it’s because ep. 7 came out at the height of the... well, reaping the seeds the social justice calvinism had sown since 2014 so to speak? I mean, SW is hardly the one fandom where it happened (*cough* voltron and SU *cough*) but as SW is way broader in audience than those other shows that certainly didn’t help, but like, if you think on it, since 2013-ish (but I think before as well, I mean, I’ve been here since 2011 and already when I got here I felt like something was going very wrong when it came to politics-in-fandom-attitude), basically people on tumblr have progressively, when it came to fandoms:

pushed the idea that you have to over-analyze everything you consume through political lens;

pushed the idea that what you like and how you like it also has to be pushed through political lens and what you like says things about who you are as a person or your political leanings;

pushed the idea that if you care for something *problematic* just because you like it you’re excusing it;

pushed the idea that if you were problematic once you can’t ever not be problematic, you can’t change your mind and you can’t learn also because ‘it’s not my job to educate you’ so people either learn themselves or idek what but again, calvinism.

now obviously those politics are tumblr-politics which are also US centric like woah and are also high-school petty like woah, and since more or less then people have:

continuously other-ed lgbt people from *straight*/heterosexual people pushing a narrative where straight = bad and therefore putting it before anything automatically makes it a valid insult which added to the above means that if you ship het you’re already problematic regardless of whether you’re straight or not (and if you are.. lol);

pushed the performative feminism of Doom TM that says men and women should be equal but is like, an excuse to shit on men and on women who like men (see the rampant biphobia around and the whole ‘straight girls are so stupid if they’re into men they should try women’ discourse);

pushed the US terminology when it comes to the POC discourse, in the sense that everything works on the US-centered context where white people = white anglosaxon protestant, poc = everything else without realizing that in the rest of the world white does not equal wasp, that poc = black people only in most of europe (and no one who’s actually black or not white who lives in africa or asia and so on would describe themselves as poc because why the hell would you when your skin color/ethinicity is the norm where you live?), which also goes with the whole white passing debate which where I live would not exist but in that context is a mess because again, oscar i*saac is schroedinger’s poc (as in, he’s poc automatically for american standards because he’s latin-american but like he has the same skin tone as my mother and my mother in italy is white same as 90% of us, which means endless confusion) and assumed that all of us have to accept that terminology/context regardless of whether it’s valid in our countries;

kept on progressively putting minorities against each other in an endless loop of WHO HAS IT WORST/oppression olympics;

kept on progressively split hairs on issues that aren’t exactly, like, that important if there’s more urgent stuff to deal with because 90% of the activism here is performative;

made the 180° turn for which headcanons and shit are seen as, like, doing representation instead of, you know, supporting what rep is there never mind when people decide *one* ship is the right one and if another is canonized and it’s rep it gets thoroughly ignored;

pushed on a mindset for which if something isn’t perfect at the get-go then it’s canceled.

and so on.

like, all of that shit has been continuously not criticized because criticizing it especially if you don’t belong to a minority means that you’re out of line/discussing things that don’t concern you, but if you’re a minority and you criticize it then it’s suddenly YOU BETRAYED OUR CAUSE *INSERT SLUR HERE ABOUT PANDERING TO THE MAJORITY*, and the result exploded in toxic af fandoms, but like... if you look at the issues of the SW sequel trilogy fandom it’s all of that in a nutshell because:

k/ylo ren is automatically the worst because he’s white (horrible), a man (even worse), not canonically attractive (I didn’t touch on that topic bc I’m honestly not up for it mentally but lmao that counts too) and presumably heterosexual (or well, no one said he’s not but you know, since he’s a white dude on the bad side [supposedly] then we don’t give him the benefit of the doubt that he might be bi), so if you like ky/lo ren or relate to him you’re automatically problematic;

shipping re/ylo because automatically problematic because it’s a *straight* (evil) ship made of two white people (when there’s options to ship them both with people that aren’t white, so IT’S RACIST), they have an age gap (BAD BECAUSE POWER IMBALANCE) and it’s enemies to lovers, so it’s a context where people who don’t conceive redemption or that people can become better are basically crying problematic all the time, and the fact that people decided it’s *abusive* when it has like nothing that can equate it to a really abusive relationship says all;

ky/lux being the most popular slash ship immediately means that it’s the fault of the horrible straight (white) women fetishizing the (white) men on the dark side (when it’s most likely because for a while ky/lux was literally the only side of that fandom where people were chill/there wasn’t wank every other moment);

st/ormpilot has been declared The Right Ship because it’s two non-white men and it’s not straight which automatically turns into what I said before about hating other ships that would be rep anyway and feeds into the lowkey oppression olympics racism, because like if finn/rose becomes canon it’s still a mixed/biracial ship because he’s black and she’s asian....... except that it’s not the right ship for people who decided that finn has to be either with rey or poe (and guess what rey is white and poe is... schroedinger’s poc because oscar isaac in europe wouldn’t pass for *poc*), which to me has stank of lowkey racism since tlj came out because sorry but if ‘finn deserves better than rose’ or ‘finn should be with rey because if he doesn’t get rey then it’s unfair’ and the various other bullshit I read on the topic basically says that the white woman is *worthier* than the asian woman or that rose is a downgrade from rey which is fucking bullshit, rose isn’t even a bad character all the contrary. and that’s for the het side of it, but like then it’s not as good as stormpilot because it’s a straight ship (NOOOO THEY MADE FINN STRAIGHT/THEY’RE NOT MAKING THEM GAY THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT = stuff I legit saw on the tag) and ngl I’m 100% sure that the fact that daisy is Standard Attractive and kelly marie t/ran is lovely but doesn't conform to the usual beauty standard western-viewers apply on asian women did play a role in there, but: what did I say before? the slash ship is automatically better than the het ship never mind that they’re both biracial and rose is actually a rep (asian girls who don’t adhere to stereotypical body shapes - and like, the rep for all body types and shapes should be valid for all women, not just white) that isn’t exactly popular especially in mainstream cinema, so people should be happy.... but since rose is Not A Dude and Not Rey and Not The Right Kind Of Representation For That Crowd, automatically rose is a shit character and deserves to be viciously hated on. and this is a thing done by people who most likely then turn on the other side and talk shit about horrible straight women who hate the only female character for getting in the way of their slash ship without realizing that their rose hate is exactly that. and of course since sto/rmpilot is the two good guys, if you ship that then you also have to hate re/ylo because how can you, a person who ships The Good Ship On The Light Side, support such a problematic enemies to lovers thing? yeah, right, hahaha.

this also tbqh also pairs up with how on tumblr people only recognize mental health issues/abuse victims when the narrative suits them - like, being a bad victim automatically means you lose sympathy and mental health issues are only valid if you aren’t ***privileged*** otherwise why would you have them, which shows transparently in how a lot of people absolutely deny that ky/lo ren is a) an abuse victim, b) obviously mentally ill however it is that he deals with it, but no, he has to be The Most Horrible In Existence Because Otherwise We Should Have Empathy For A Bad Guy Who Also Might Get Redeemed And Redemption Is Not Happening Ever Because Bad People Don’t Deserve it.

like, all of the issues sw sequel trilogy has when it comes to the fandom are direct consequences of the nonsensical social justice calvinism climate on tumblr dot com that no one took care to put a stop to since 2013 and of its ridiculous oppression olympics and pitting people against each other and that was my take. cheers.

(ps: I also ship sto/rmpilot like woah and it’s my otp but there’s a reason why I unfollowed most SP blogs I followed and why I don’t go into the tag anymore - I’m not here for the anti-rose racism dressed up as performative wokeness, I’m not here to get lectured about as a white person I fetishize poc gay men if I ship it - yes I read that too - and I’m not here to read a bunch of meta about how re/ylo is a bad ship and blah blah blah, so yeah. I feel you.) (pps: ky/lo ren isn’t even my favorite character and I care relatively but gdi the way the fandom approaches him is honestly mindboggling in that sense, and I don’t mean people who actually dislike him because fair reasons, I mean people who can’t recognize his abuse victim status and the precarious status of his mental health. like, not all abuse victims and mentally ill people are the right victim or come from the right background and you can be cool motive still murder and still recognize that he’s like that because he has issues, not because he was drawn that way. /bye)

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #i said my piece bye #reylo for ts #kylo ren for ts #sw wank for ts #i don't mean ppl shouldn't be uncomfortable with re/ylo or ky/lo btw #but like........... this level of vitriol is ridiculous #and the rose hate is dumb af #bye *shrug* #social justice calvinism #the first person whining about straight people feeling left out as last time this happened #is getting automatically blocked bye #Anonymous #ask post