#consent is REALLY important to him for some SOLID fucking reasons

[bastardsunlight]

[Lionhawk because you KNOW ya girl always asks] “Can I kiss you?”

“Hm?” Leon looks up from the drink he is so expertly mixing and meets her mismatched eyes. This is a quality about her that he finds so very endearing, the color of her eyes—it’s so unique, so different. The request of consent is also unique, but so much more precious to him than her looks could ever be.

“Yeah,” he breathes. Of course,is the silent follow-up as he leans forward to offer his face for whatever kind of kiss she might offer.

send "can I kiss you" and see how my muse reacts

#response #AWWWWWWWWWWW #lionhawk #apexhearted #shoottheminthehead #aboutleonmeta #consent is REALLY important to him for some SOLID fucking reasons

[phoenixyfriend]

The main reason Anakin and Qui-Gon shouldn't have been a working pair is that the second Anakin was comfortable enough at the Temple to act out when Qui-Gon upset him, we'd have the man waking up bald.

Anakin would shave a man's head in his sleep if he was mad enough. It might require a few years to not expect the Jedi to kick him out, and possibly getting some encouragement/enablement from older lineage members, and possibly a little sleep deprivation and too much caffeine to really fuck over his logic, but he would do it, and I can't...

I can't say it would be justified, because hair can be really, really personally important, but it's a very hard to be angry at the upset and traumatized 11yo acting out in this manner, especially with how aggravating Qui-Gon can be as a person, so I think a solid number of Jedi quietly take Anakin's side because Qui-Gon might mean well, but they can 100% believe that he fucked up enough to sort of deserve whatever the hell Anakin is doing.

(Listen. Kids that got out of abusive situations act out. They test boundaries. This is normal. It's still something that needs to be addressed, because cutting someone's hair without consent is a violation, etc. but it's... like, it's not unexpected.)

(This was going to be a joke post about Qui-Gon being annoying enough that people say he deserved it when someone shaves his head, but I remembered how upset I've been about haircuts before, and also how Anakin might have specific grew-up-a-slave opinions about fucking with someone's body/clothes as an extension of the self, and how that background might play into the specific ways he throws tantrums and causes trouble with the Jedi, and now I'm sad.)

(Anakin needs so much help, guys.)

#Anakin Skywalker #Qui Gon Jinn #star wars #sw prequels #disaster lineage #phoenix talks

[grain-my-beloved]

Yknow what? I'd actually go so far as to say that, as much as ive seen it complained about, it's actually pretty hard to "UwU" or "Woobify" Grian within the context of yhs.

I mean. It's possible if you go really extreme with it, but it's hard.

Grian at his core is actually a primarily decent person most of the timeand is a primarily innocent party in most things. One who goes through a Lot.

If you really think about it Grian's moral compass isn't too far off normal basic human morality. He's often anxious and hesitant when faced with any involvement in criminal activity, he's frequently dismayed and offput by suggestions of violence (the less deserved the more dismay is expressed as well), he's disappointed and frustrated at seeing the people around him do fucked up things, he's almost always polite with a good head on his shoulders when faced with a kind or reasonable person. Even well into ts, long after first coming back to Japan, Grian is still incredibly uneasy and fidgety with the suggestion that he take part in violence, I mean, remember that time he, Taurtis, and Sam were tasked with killing Geode and Grian not only initially tried to refuse outright but then checked in shakily with the other two multiple times just to confirm if they were really going to kill someone. Grian's typically the character most likely in the entire series to be incredibly put off by and very hesitant about doing bad things (especially to people he's not one million percent certain deserve it).

And while one could argue that we can't really praise his moral compass for being hesitant about involving himself in crime/wrongdoing when he often ends up participating anyways. Actions speak louder than words and all. However I disagree. The fact that Grian vocally does not wish to be involved in this kind of thing and has proven to behave on the more reasonable and polite side when acting independently in relation to likewise level headed people....is Very important. In fact, in actual legal cases, oftentimes a factor in trying individuals is the question of whether they would commit the crime in question indepently or under normal circumstances. This is the basis for necessity, duress, and insanity pleas, amoung other's. People who would not act the way they did in a certain scenario under normal circumstances are often liable to be judged favourably in their actions. In fact, speaking of duress pleas, Grian's got a pretty solid one for a lot of his actions. The times Sam or Yuki held a knife to his throat or the times police threatened to kill him if he doesn't comply with orders or any alike incidents. In cases where duress isn't applicable to Grian's behaviour there are oftentimes incidents in which an outright case for violence in self defense can be made. In fact, most of Grian's circumstances leave him very viable to be judged sympathetically on a legal standpoint. The fact that he was a minor, the fact that he had no apparent history of violence or crime, the fact that he was in a severely abusive relationship with a criminal and entering said relationship marked the start of any sort of criminal behaviour from Grian, any criminal behaviour from Grian always being in a group setting never lead by himself, the fact that he always clearly and openly protests when pulled into these group settings, the duress and self defense pleas that are applicable to pretty much all incidents in which he does engage. Which are also all factors that can and should be accounted for on. a moral basis as well, obviously. And like, Grian has a reputation for being arrogant, cynical, and rude or whatever, but he's really not. He very rightfully calls out other people's horrible bullshit and makes snappy remarks towards his abuser but that's the opposite of a problem and Grian's proven himself more than capable of reasonable civility towards reasonable people. Grian just isn't the selfish arrogant disrespectful criminal that he's sometimes implied to be and in fact he's largely innocent- or absolvable, if you'd rather- in most of the things levied against him. Grian's not a literal saint giving to the needy and taking care of orphans in his spare time but he's a decent guy overall???

And hey, speaking of that super abusive relationship Grian landed in. Let's not forget the impact of that situation. Sam was undoubtedly abusive towards Grian. He threatened Grian's life various times, he basically told Grian he was nothing compared to Taurtis, he shoved plastic down Grian's throat and laughed when he choked, he got Grian locked up in solitary confinement through complete lies just because he thought it'd be entertaining I guess, he forced Grian to kiss an abnormally large amount of people against his will (some of these instances sam recorded despite being asked not to), he himself tried to make out with Grian without consent while Grian was sleeping in his own private room, he forcefully dressed Grian up in feminine cosplay meant to be ~attractive~ complete with fake breasts, he lied to Grian about the gender identity of someone Grian dated as a joke (his words) and lightly mocked Grian afterwards, he locked Grian in a basement for three days straight and it's unclear whether or not he was planning to let him out anytime soon, he dragged Grian into a closet with school staff despite Grian's very vocal distress and discomfort then scolded Grian for considering reported it when this staff member made uncomfortable comments on the outfit Sam had forced Grian into, Sam offered to give Grian to another guy who made a similar uncomfortable comment later on as part of some trade, he consistently dragged Grian against his will into criminal activity whether by threatening him, tricking him into participating, or just altogether falsely implicatng him, amoung Many other things. And every step of the way Sam did his best to completely gaslight Grian. He used every gaslighting technique in the book. Telling blatant lies (for example, "i would never stab taurtis", "you are taurtis", "grian's crazy and he stabbed taurtis"), he denies doing shit to Grian that Grian knows damn well he did ("i would never stab taurtis"). He hard projected his bs onto Grian (from blaming grian for 'making' sam do awful shit sam did to claiming grian actually fullstop did the awful shit sam did). He was just constantly trying to turn people against Grian (convincing yuki and taurtis to back him up in calling grian a bad manipulative friend and insisting he needed to apologize for 'making' sam horrifically abuse him. arriving in the police station and instantly without hesitation telling them grian was crazy and dangerous and pinning his own crimes on grian. having taurtis back him up and help scold grian for getting mad about being locked in the basement for days). Telling Grian he's crazy (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident, the time sam kissed grian without his consent while he slept and grian got mad). Telling everyone else that Grian's a manipulative liar (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident again). Yknow. Gaslighting. Sam was just so unbelievably abusive. In like. Every possible way. Which adds a LOT of trauma to Grian. That on top of his parents abandoning him as a little kid too because we couldn't leave it at severe abuse.

Grian's not a bad person. And he's certainly a very sympathetic person. Which is why it would be hard to woobify yhs Grian. It would be hard to make a very sympathetic very sad character egregiously sympathetic and sad. His whole arc is getting abandoned by his parents, going to visit his friends, and getting violently abused and forced into a multitude of disturbing activities against his will for an extended period of time.

One could argue that sure Grian isn't a bad person and sure Grian's got a pretty sad life, but certainly a lot of people are guilty of making Grian more helpless and scared and generally 'pathetic' than he is in canon.

To which I reply...not really?

Grian already doesn't have half the fight response people ascribe to him throughout the series. That was a whole other post but honestly Grian's response to traumatic situations is very frequently to cave to them and he's got a much stronger submissive streak than people often admit. I mean, Grian was asked to dress up as his best friend who just got stabbed "to make things less awkward and make me feel better" and he did it within ten seconds of being asked without the others even needing to threaten him at all. Grian does express quite a bit of despair, fear, and submissive tendency in canon when faced with dangerous or traumatic situations. And while it's possible to go a bit too far with that if you consistently leave out the token fight entirely, I see people swing way too far un the opposite direction way too often. There's a reason Grian never actually killed Sam in canon. There's a reason Grian never made a serious attempt to get him arrested for his crimes. There's a reason Grian never just left. When Sam found Grian after he ran out of the gym during the Taurtis incident? Grian didn't lunge for Sam. There was no serious altercation between the two. Grian scrambled back and tearfully babbled platitudes while shoving plastic down his own throat on command. And even beyond that, a lot of the interpretations accused of making Grian too helpless/scared/'pathetic' are works that involve Grian processing trauma years after the fact. Which. Even if Grian was the most aggressive on edge fighter in the history of trauma responses during the traumatic events? People don't process their trauma after the fact the same way they instinctively respond in the moment. Even if Grian never shed a tear throughout any of the traumatic ordeals he experienced, it would be far from unrealistic behaviour for him to still process after the fact by panicking and sobbing his eyes out regularly. Which, again, Grian wasn't even all that fight oriented while it was happening so panic and tears isn't even super far removed from his actual in the moment responses let alone processing after-responses. It's just. It's really hard to "UwU" Grian tbh. He's a decent person, he went through hell (his own words actually), and he was never even really very effectively aggressive when he did. And while it's possible to dip too far into that territory, far more often I see things swung egregiously far in the other direction.

#yhs #yandere highschool #yhs grian

[personasintro]

My Tiny Secret | 21; His Decision

𝑴𝒚 𝑻𝒊𝒏𝒚 𝑺𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆 | 21; His Decision

⏤𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; Pretty face doesn’t make it up for an ugly personality. And Kim Seokjin is the perfect proof of that.

⏤𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: seokjin x reader

⏤𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst, smut, fluff, mistress au, unexpected pregnancy au

⏤𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: strong language, mature content

⏤> 𝒇𝒊𝒄 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒙

“Mhmm... fuck.” you breathe out, swallowing another moan as Seokjin's plump lips latch onto your clit while his long and slim fingers are busy pumping inside your clenched hole.

“This pretty pussy,” he sneers against your heat, before he starts to suck your little bundle of nerves all over again.

It's around eight in the morning, meaning you still got at least ten minutes before Yoojin wakes up. If it weren't for his occasional cries, you'd sleep like you haven't in a long time. Maybe the reason behind your good sleep was the person sleeping next to you, or you just enjoyed someone else's warmth next to you. Seokjin would wake up with you, groggily groaning whenever you were already standing up to get your son, watching you in the darkness while you bounced him in your hands, trying to get him to sleep. It was something you weren't aware of, until you found out he was still awake, waiting for you to return to bed.

Even though the night with him was great, you've never expected him to wake up a few minutes after you, ready to devour you all over again. This time, only using his mouth and fingers.

“Hmm...” he hums, as if he's savoring the taste of your arousal, is just enough to buckle your hips against his face.

Your back arches from the couch's, thighs dangerously caging his head from all the pleasure he gives you just with his mouth and fingers. You pull his hair, a deep groan vibrating in his chest sends a wave of incredible pleasure all over your body,

“Cum for me.” he murmurs, enough for you to hear but still careful not to be extremely loud.

With more few pumps and his tongue flicking your clit in animalistic pace, you're chocking up on your moans as you're cumming. Your mouth fully agape, tears prickling the corners of your shut eyes are just natural reaction, your heat sucking his fingers in as he swallows your cum mixed with arousal. When overstimulation starts to kick in, you nudge his head before he gets the clue, licking your swollen heat for the last time before he pulls away.

His big lips are coated with your cum, shining in the natural lightening as you curse at the sight. He smirks, swiping it off with his finger before he puts it in his mouth, sucking on it as he cleans it. You watch him doing it with the rest of the fingers, where your arousal and cum is still clear, feeling your heat pulse.

That was incredible.

You sit up, pulling down your shirt before he plops onto the couch next to you.

“Are we going to talk about what happened?” you ask, breath caught in your throat from the intense orgasm you've just experienced.

“I ate you out, what's there to talk about?” he chuckles, showing you his white teeth while his eyes are focused on you.

“Jin,” you whine, the corners of his mouth lifts at the nickname rolling out of your tongue. It's been a few months when you started calling him that and he enjoys it every time you say it. “I'm serious.”

“So am I.”

It still takes you at least five seconds to get used to him joking and fooling around.

“Do you think us having sex was a good idea?” you ask him with a murmur, pulling your shirt down your thighs even though you feel the uncomfortable wetness pooling between your legs.

Maybe you should've used the bathroom to clean yourself before starting this topic, but there's no turning back. Especially when all amusement wipes off his face instantly, a hardened gaze staring right back at you. It makes your shoulders tense and your arms hugging yourself, taken back by the sudden change of atmosphere.

However, when he notices your body language he relaxes his expression and licks his lips slowly, before a raspy voice reaches your ears.

“Are you regretting that it happened? Because I asked you if you're sure.” he says, points out the small fact that brings you back to yesterday night, night full of kisses and deeper connection. It's weird, he almost sounds hurt asking that.

“No, I know that. I don't regret it, Do you?” you tell him quickly, watching him shaking his head.

“I don't. But why are you asking me this then?” he sounds genuinely confused, and you know you're confusing him every second you don't response.

Quickly gathering yourself, you give him a tiny smile before you sigh.

“I don't regret us having sex. It felt... nice. And different than the other times and I know something has changed, I'm not sure whether you felt it too or not...” you trail off, catching a glimpse of him but he only stares at you.

He doesn't confirm it, nor deny it which leaves your comment ignored but him not denying it means something. Right?

“I know you're not used to talk about your feelings openly, or about any situation that's close to it. And I don't wanna pressure you into anything. I'm not used to it either, well, not with you. We've never really talked about such things so openly, or ever actually. All I wanted to say is, that I don't think it was a smart move... us having sex. Even though, I don't regret it.”

He stays quiet for a solid five seconds as he scratches his cheekbone, but opens his mouth.

“I'm not quite sure what this is about.” he admits.

“Well,” you start, “think about it this way. It happened, and it's okay and we don't regret it. But if we keep doing this, Yoojin will grow up seeing us close and I don't want him to be confused in the future. I know we still got a lot of time before he truly starts to realize this, but it's better to put pause or stop this while we can. You're still married, and imagine us being intimate again. He will just grow confused, wondering if we're together or not. I'm a single woman, but I want to find someone in the future. As much as I've enjoyed last night, I can't keep doing this with you. I know we both agreed to it, but I need to respect myself as a woman more. I don't think us doing this again would do some good.”

God, you really enjoyed feeling his lips and hands all over your body. You truly did. That night was special, whether he acknowledges it the same way like you do or not. You're not necessarily someone who wants to put labels on things, as long as there was consent on both parts, there shouldn't be any issue with that. You're a grown up woman who can decide what she wants. But you're also a mother, which is a huge responsibility and you can't keep acting like that young woman who couldn't get enough of the CEO in a black suit and shitty attitude. He has changed, for the better, something you've never thought you would get to see. And fuck, how proud you are of him. You really are.

But not even that means, you're going to jump back into the previous relationship the two of you had.

There's another person in your lives, your son, who's going to grow up and sense your relationship from a far. You can't act irresponsible just because he's good in bed and you've a weird chemistry going on. Your son is much important than your secret desires and lust.

“I understand,” he says slowly, biting onto his inner cheek before he sighs. “I think you're right. I should've thought of it sooner.”

“Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I want you to know, I really enjoyed last night and it gave me a different perspective. But as of now, I think we should focus on him rather than our hormones.”

You obviously find each other attractive, you always did. If you didn't, you two wouldn't have secret rendezvous and nine months old son right now.

And although, you want to kiss those juicy lips again and utilize him being getting more open and affectionate, you can't let it affect the future.

“You're right,” he nods, palms slapping against his thighs as he stands up. “No more kissing and sex. Got it.” he chuckles, causing you to do the same, although you're pushing back the pout that wants to settle on your lips.

Idiot, you were the one who came up with this.

But it feels like the right thing to do so.

“Yeah,” you nod, standing up with him as you cringe at the feeling between your legs. “I need to clean myself before Yoojin wakes up.”

“I've some errands to run,” he says, picking up his phone from the coffee table as he puts it into his raven black slacks. God, the image of him eating you out in his suit is devilish. “Will you be fine?”

“Of course,” you smile up at him, “Will you come for the dinner tonight?”

He barely misses your dinner. There were times you wanted to bring him a homemade lunch, a surprised visit by you and Yoojin in his company, but you don't want to push things. You're not sure if you'd cross some lines. Plus, you know how busy he is.

You're thinking about making a Chinese food, or traditional Korean, whatever he chooses.

“Actually, I don't think I'll make it tonight,” he answers, scratching the back of his neck as your shoulders fall in disappointment. “I'll text you.”

“Yeah, sure.” you muster a smile, biding a goodbye as you rush yourself to the shower.

You hear him padding around the apartment for a couple of minutes, before he shuts the front door with a soft click. It leaves you letting out a saddened sigh, turning on a warm water that covers your naked and shivering body.

It's weird how in span of a few months this place feels foreign, even though he spent a good amount of his life here. He remembers he spent hours in a meeting with one of the best architectures and interior designers he could find in Seoul, trying to create a perfect vision of his taste and home. It's comical that no matter how much of a personal touch he gave to this place, it never felt like a true home. At first, he never realized it until now. It feels cold, unlocking the wide black wooden front door, and even the scent of it makes him want to turn around and leave.

It doesn't smell like your apartment. There is no scent of cherry blossom diffuser or baby powder, something he misses and got used to quite quickly.

And it doesn't matter if this house is huge and has a better interior, when there's no feeling to it. The whole house feels like a ghost town, empty and lonely and that's why a rustling sound takes him by surprise.

Taking his shoes off, he ignores the dust that's settled on the shoe rack, wondering if she ever took a mop into her hands and cleaned herself. The charwoman he hired got sick, so she hasn't been coming to the house to clean it and he forgot to call another one in the meantime. It's safe to say he didn't even care when he's spending most of his time in his office or at your place. Pathetically, he thought his hard-working' wife would clean it herself.

He follows the sound, realizing it's coming from the kitchen as he takes off his suit jacket while walking there.

She might not be cleaning, but he's definitely shocked to see her rustling with pots and the weird smell of something that's simmering in the pan. She turns around, ready to check her unlocked and bright phone, but she notices him causing her to gasp in shock.

“Fuck, you scared me!” she exclaims, holding her chest as she breathes through it. “You came home?” she asks surprised, still trying to calm down her beating heart while her husband just stares at her.

He decides to give her a brief nod, tossing his suit jacket onto the kitchen island as he leans against it with his hand. “What are you doing?”

“Cooking.” she answers, tapping onto the screen of her phone that lightens up with something that looks like a recipe.

Well, he can see that. He hasn't seen her standing behind the stove, trying to cook something, ever. And whatever this is, he doesn't comment it and stares at her focused face.

She cut her hair short, but other than that she looks just exactly the same. She's wearing a tight red dress, a complete opposite of your loose baggy shirt that you always wear at home. Her hair is sleek, perfectly styled as if she's going somewhere but she's not. He knows that because she wouldn't waste her time trying to cook, if she had somewhere else to be. When you cook, you always put your hair into a messy bun or ponytail, so it doesn't go into your eyes and face.

He has no clue why he keeps comparing you to her, but both of you are so different. It's almost a complete opposite and he wonders how possibly he could have felt attracted to the both of you. You're both glorious women, although you're so different from each other.

She closes one of the cupboards, reaching for the glass of red wine as she slowly sips from it, glancing at him through her black lashes.

“Can we talk?” he asks, seeing she has no intention talking first.

It's weird how calm she acts, no jabbing or comments on his sudden visit.

“About what?” she hums, placing the glass back down before she licks her lips.

“This marriage,” he answers, causing her to freeze in her spot before she pokes her inner cheek with the tip of her tongue. “It's not working out.”

He lacks of empathy, and it's shame that he as her husband can't really read her emotions, but he's not blind. He can see how she clenches her sharp jaw, ready to snap at him any second but she calmly grips the edges of kitchen counter.

“Who said it's not working out?” she manages to say through clenched teeth, staring at the marble instead.

“I did. Just now,” he shrugs, sounding careless which makes her blood boil. “I don't plan on sugarcoating anything. I wanna divorce you, but I thought you should hear it from me first, before my lawyer contacts you.”

The good thing is, that she placed the glass down before he dropped this bomb onto her. It'd surely end up on the floor right now, along with her dignity.

“You–You can't just do this!” she exclaims, trying to find her voice and fight the shock while she glares at him. “Why are you doing this?”

“Why are you acting so shocked? I barely spend my time here, I don't come home anymore and we're nothing but roommates at this point.”

“That's not the point!” she shoots back, causing him to sigh.

He really doesn't want to raise his voice, he remains calm while his wife is ready to burst any second.

“And what is? I don't see the point in this ridiculous marriage.” he tells her honestly, but that only makes her fume even more.

“You're fucking unbelievable! So, just because you've a son now, you suddenly don't need me?”

“Let's not go there.” he warns her, eyes furrowing as she has the audacity to bring him into this. He wanted to do this calmly, but if she utters a single bad word about his son, he's going to snap.

“How about let's go there?” she barks, trashing with her hands. “So, now that I can't have your children I am nothing? I'm not worth of being your wife, is that it? But she is, right? You're going to marry her and have a family with her.”

He sees nothing but jealously and anger. Some part of him knew she's going to bring you into this. No matter how many months has passed, you're always ticking her nerves.

“Don't talk nonsense,” he sighs, “She has nothing to do with this. I'm doing this for my son, and for me. We don't love each other, this marriage was just a plan for the both of us. Don't act like there were any feelings involved.”

She purses her lips, knowing he's saying the truth. She doesn't love him, she loved the fact how wealthy he is and what can he give her. Having his kid would be just an insurance of having the rest of her life taken care of. She wouldn't have to worry about money, place to live in or designer clothes that are practically spilling from her huge closet.

“Still, you can't treat me like shit.”

“Am I? I'm standing here, telling you my decision before my lawyer could. How is that me treating you like shit? I wasn't the best husband, I'm aware of that. But I gave you everything you pointed your little finger at. That was just enough for you, wasn't it?”

He doesn't even bring up the whole topic of her using him for the money. He's not here to fight.

His voice is firm, but still calm which makes her taken back by his attitude. She notices how round his cheeks got, he looks better than when she had last seen him. It makes her wonder if you're behind it.

“Do you love her?” she mutters, clenching her jaw as her knuckles whiten at how tight she grips the counter.

He almost wants to laugh out loud at her jealously. She doesn't even love him, yet she's getting jealous just from the thought of him having feelings for someone else that's not her. She has so many men wrapped around her finger, he's not particularly scared of her ending up alone. She'll find someone else before she even properly signs the papers. But here she is, getting jealous and angry just because she isn't the one who got him better.

“No,” he answers simply, “I care about my son.”

“So, you barely staying here is just because you care about your son?” she sounds skeptical, but there's still hatred in her voice.

He's not sure what he feels towards you. But he knows he never felt about anyone that way. It's not love, it can't be. But he cares about you. Maybe it's because you're his son's mother, he thinks.

“I made the decision,” he starts, watching her attentively. “to become a better father.”

“How touching.” she snorts, rolling her eyes at him which makes him take a deep breath.

“You know, one day when you decide to adopt a kid,”

She wouldn't, he knows that. She doesn't like kids to begin with. It's a random thought, but he's glad you ended up pregnant instead of her. He can see it in your eyes how happy you're whenever you look at Yoojin, and maybe it wasn't planned pregnancy, but you wouldn't change him for anything. He knows his son is in good hands and couldn't have a better mother.

Who knows, maybe if she had her own baby, things would change. But he doubts it.

“You might understand what it feels like. Until then, you're never going to understand why I did this.”

Her face scrunches in a painful manner, but she embraces herself and holds her head high.

“She's just another bitch trying to screw you over, using your son.”

She's hurt, he can see it in her eyes, despite of them never being so close. It's the anger, jealously and even hatred speaking out of her but that doesn't justify her attitude.

“Ara.” he warns her, growling at her as she puts her hand in front of her stopping him.

“No, she's already doing it. She's using your son to get to you, and look how that turned out!”

“She's not you, Ara,” he tells her, her mouth opening in disbelief as he takes his suit jacket off the counter. “You can keep the house if you want. That's all I can give you.”

“I'll ruin you.” she spits.

“No, you won't.” he tells her, causing her to slap her hands onto the top of the counter but he doesn't budge, raising a brow at her.

“I'll strip you off your money, you'll have nothing.” she threatens, causing him to smirk as he chuckles lowly.

“Try it,” he shrugs, “But before you can even make a plan, don't forget I can ruin you with the snap of my fingers. Think wisely. My offer is the house, if not, I don't owe you a shit.”

He doesn't want to threaten her, but he can't let her walk over him, threatening him. He's choosing his attitude and words carefully. If this was happening a year ago, he'd stand up to this differently. But now he has a son, a little family he needs to take care of. He needs to be more careful what he says and does.

“You're going to regret this.” she tries for the last time, hating how unaffected he seems to be.

“No, I won't. I've made the best decision I could,” he tells her honestly, not even glaring at her. He sees the shock written on her face, seeing the change in him. “And I hope you'll do as well.”

Taking the last glance at her, he walks out of the house before she can utter another set of threats. He knows she's all bark but no bite. She has no power to do something. And with him no longer being there, she is reminded of the burnt sauce she was trying to cook. Her first attempt of cooking contrasting her life, as she angrily turns off the stove and takes the glass of wine, throwing it onto the perfect colored wall with a scream.

As soon as he is out of the house, the fresh air hits his face and he inhales heavily, making his way to his black sport car.

He feels relaxed, sighing as soon as he rides off the driveway and checks the time on the touch screen.

He will make it to the dinner after all.

#networkbangtan #bts smut #bts angst #bts fluff #bts au #seokjin x reader #seokjin drabble #seokjin scenario #kpop au #kpop #kpop fanfic #seokjin smut #BTS jin #personasintro

[adonis-koo]

sate • jjk

↳ Summary: It was forbidden, your love for him. The glances you’d both steal when no one was looking and the whispered sweet nothings he’d say when you were alone. He would never be yours and his thirst would never be sated until you were his.

↳ Genre: Vampire!AU, Prince!AU, mutual pining, slight angst, smut,

↳ Word Count: 14k

↳ Pairing: Jungkook/Reader, Taehyung/Reader

↳ Tags: Virginal sex, praise kink, slight begging, eating out, fingering, finger fucking, multiple orgasms, biting, blood drinking, forced orgasm, squirting, dirty talk, unprotected sex,

Note: it’s spooky season and this oneshot is a big rabbit hole to halloween!verse so prepare yourselves.

“Don’t look so depressed Y/n- maybe he doesn’t remember?” Those were not the words you wanted to hear. Of course you wanted to imagine that maybe he didn’t remember, maybe this was just a coincidence, it could be a lot of things. And if you really wanted, you were sure you could convince yourself with enough past humiliation and lingering embarrassment that he definitely didn’t remember. If he had, remembered it of course. 

The Prince, was a gentleman and had never brought it up, but on the days when your neck was exposed and you’d bend over a little too far to grab something in his presence, you could swear, you could feel his gaze lingering on your chest.

Just the thought had your cheeks flushing red and your body pulsing in both shame and arousal. You had grown up in the castle, having been there since the royal guard stumbled upon you in the remnants of a crashed carriage, left out in the cold night of October, abandoned by your parents, you never knew a life outside of these stone, gothic walls. 

You always saw the Prince and he would ever so often see you, but nothing more than a passing glance between maids while passing you down the hallway, or perhaps when you stood off to the side when the king was holding court. He had seen you, but he never truly saw you

Not until four months ago when the head of royal staff gave you consent to use one of the guest rooms to bathe in, your room at the time had been occupied by a wounded vampire in needed of both healing and rest leaving you without a place to wash. 

It had been a pure mistake, you didn’t realize the guest who had been departing that day had previously left her necklace inside the room- and of course being the gentleman he was the Prince had went to receive it for her. What he instead found was you, having just got out of the bath and barely covering your naked, exposed body in time. Your hair had been pushed back and your neck fully of display.

You had never seen his eyes turn such a bright red in your whole life, his fangs had been protruding and you were surprised he had such self restraint to keep himself from just lunging at you and taking you on the ground, it had been late that evening before most feeding times for vampires, leaving them hungry and ready for their meal. 

Instead he had shut the door before apologizing, though it came out more like a hungry, lust filled growl. You had been mortified and that day had played in your head on repeat ever since.

Ever since then his gaze had begun to find yours more days then less, and if you weren’t so pragmatic, you would’ve assumed he had even been searching for you throughout the crowd of maids that filled the halls. There had been a shift in the air ever since for you, and now being his personal maid? It was a true hell.

He’d never bring up that incident but today- he had referenced to it. Or at least you assumed, he did when you whirled away from him with bright pink cheeks and watching that fowl predatory smirk burn into his lips only but for a brief second. 

He was going to be the death of you! You often stayed by his side most days down, fetching anything he could possibly need or want and when you weren’t doing that you were usually running errands for him or cleaning up both his office for official business or his room. His bedroom.

Being a human, in a kingdom of vampires was a very strange feeling, it wasn’t necessarily rare for there to be humans technically they weren’t needed, born vampires could still used turned vampires to feed on, humans were still welcomed nonetheless. 

But to understand that difference was seldom something you could comprehend. A bedroom, for instance, was a general, practical use for a human, it’s where you slept every night, where you’d go if you were sick or tired. None of which was useful for a Vampire.

Vampires, rarely had use for a personal room, the only exception was that it was their private space, somewhere they could relax in the brief long life they lived. It was for humans too of course, but you understood it was vastly different, Vampires didn’t take luxury of sleeping most nights given it wasn’t needed and there was always work to be done.

You still didn’t understand why vampires were so picky on who entered their space, but their bedroom was almost completely off limits to anyone as it was a sacred space for themselves alone. Asides from their mate whom they usually shared it with and the exception of one maid to clean it.

The main reason they had a bedroom, was because that’s where they fed. Just the idea had you flush in the cheeks, feeding was rarely just them biting a neck and going on their way. Or so you had heard from donors. Most vampires, usually mixed their sexual appetite with their hunger when they fed, apparently the adrenaline made it that much better from the human- or again, so you had heard.

Adjusting the blood red choker you wore you fidgeted before sighing, “Yeri, vampires have better cognitive memory than humans can even comprehend. I’m positive he remembers.” Your mind had far drifted from the topic at hand though. Your choker wasn’t for fashion sake, all of the human royal staff were gifted with one due to its charm and sigal placed on it.

Should a vampire ever try to bite you their teeth would practically shatter before puncturing your skin and if they dared try to take it off, the sigal would cause their skin to burn. It didn’t have to be worn, but for those humans who didn’t want to risk assault usually wore it, yourself included.

Lots of humans usually volunteered through the donor practice making sure vampires were well fed, the royals kept among themselves though. Your Prince, having his own personal pick of several human ladies in waiting as even for feeding it was important it would remain in his circle of wealth. 

You had heard the pleasure from it was like none other from plenty of people who had become a donor, but you yourself had always been too nervous to enroll in a donor practice, you hadn’t even slept in the same bed as a man before.

You had spent your whole life working to become apart of the Sisterhood who worked under the moon goddess and protected most of the forest. Or so you had seen and aspired to be like, you would first have to work as a nun though and thus taking an oath of celibacy. It wouldn’t be until the upcoming spring though, leaving you with less then a year at the palace.

Glancing down into the large goblet you watched the red wine mix with the blood that had been stored in the kitchen, a vampire delicacy, Yeri frowned before she gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze, her face pale and lifeless but it shone like the moonlight sparkling against the sea, her eyes almost hypnotically dark enough to get lost in, “I’m sure he meant no harm by his comment, go on you shouldn’t keep his Highness waiting.”

You nodded, offering a weak smile before shuffling out of the kitchen and back into the large hallway, guards filtering past you on rotation and a few ladies of the court giggling in the corners of the room, you, much like most maids were simply in the background of a beautiful portrait that was the livelihood of the castle. 

You had quickly journeyed up the many sets of stairs, your legs weak and pulsing in a dull ache for protest to stop as you finished your last set of stairs into the hallway that you had become painfully familiar with.

Pausing in front of the large solid door you gave a gentle knock, you had always knocked, always frightened despite his insistence that in fear you would walk in without announcement and he’d be in the middle of feeding, even if it was unlikely. 

Vampire’s always fed after dark or before they took luxury in sleeping and everyone knew that, had you walked down the halls in the dead of night you could hear the soft moans that filtered through the hallway.

“Come in.” His voice was soft and deep, dulcet and yet strong at the same time, Jungkook had already sensed your presence, the beat of your heart pulsing in the rhythm of the only human within the next four floors. Opening the door gently his back was turned to you, books scattered around his desk, some from personal entertainment while others had been from his studies. 

Even long past his days as a physical child most still looked at him as nothing more than a youngling, and you supposed for most vampires he was, staggering at the young age of 225, it was still hard to imagine he was really that old. 

He didn’t look a day older than twenty two at least, his long locks of black hair silky to the touch and his pale face sculpted with fullness and life making his supernatural beauty all the more striking.

Closing the door gently behind you before approaching him as you softly called, “Here, something to help the thirst.” His eyes flickered up from his book as you set down the goblet near him on the desk, his lips quirking upwards slightly and his deep red eyes- ones only the royals held seemed to brighten a little as he nodded his head in gratitude.

Not a word was spoken after that as you changed out his old sheets, he was fairly clean when he fed but you could tell he must’ve been hungrier than normal last night, the blood smearing against sheets in several splatters as you pulled them off, it was rare for the sheets to appear so...sloppy. 

You didn’t know what it was like to have a lust for blood though and therefore never felt comfortable judging a vampire on how they fed, you couldn’t imagine what kind of self restraint it took to feed slowly and never make a mess. Pulling the sheets neatly over the corners of his bed before resetting each layer of blanket.

You couldn’t resist letting your hand run over the red velvet throw blank that went on the edge of the bed, it was so soft and brought a sense of comfort against your fingertips, “You’re always so fond of that blanket,” 

You jolted, heart rate jumping as you clutched your chest at the sound of Jungkook’s voice, his eyes still focused on his book before letting them flutter to meet your figure, “Why not just take it? I can have another replaced.” He had noticed that? You supposed it had become a habit for you to run your fingers along the fuzzy, soft material each day you made his bed.

Glancing away from him you finished smoothing out the fabric before humming, you felt a weary smile pull across your lips as you murmured, “Red’s never been my color.” 

You could feel his eyes drop to your neck, the dark red choker that clung to your skin shielding him from the temptation to have just a taste, his appetite never sated at night knowing you were in your own bed alone, those pretty locks of hair out of the loose style you always wore up and maybe, if he were lucky you’d have took your choker off. 

He could feel the sting in his abdominal as his feeding hour ticked closer and his fangs threatening to lengthen, “I’d disagree,” He hummed, forcing his eyes back down to the book as you paused, taking your own turn to watch the strands of black hair grazed over his eyes, “You make red look divine.” you could practically see the flash in his eyes as they hungrily met yours with a murmur of his own.

Your cheeks flushed the same color as the blanket you had finished smoothing out as you now refused to look at him. It would be hard to deny the attraction you felt between you both, but it was also silently agreed to never go farther than a mere few whispered words saying otherwise. 

“I’m sure red looks good on anyone too you.” You muttered before going to the head of the bed, fixing the pillows properly as you refused to meet his gaze that blatantly kept on your figure, his attention now more fixed on you then his studies. 

Red, was often not worn by vampires- as it was a color that humans were supposed to wear by law when they went out. Red just like the blood that flowed through your veins.

“Come here.” His voice was soft, but the demand was prominent in his voice making you freeze before swallowed, your grip on the round cushion tightening before you forced your knuckles to curl from it’s material while setting it down. Obediently you walked up to his seated position, eyes on the patterned dark rug as you felt your anxiousness creep up on you and the heartbeat you knew he could hear spike.

Jungkook stood up before grabbing the goblet you had so kindly thought of getting him as he glanced down at the deep maroon taking a sip of it himself as the sweet liquid slid down his throat, licking his lips before his gaze set on your figure who refused to look at him. 

Cupping your chin gently he lifted to make you gaze at his tall dark figure, the long dark raven hair slanting the view of his eyes as he thumbed your chin before sliding his thumb across your bottom lip, so soft. 

He could only vividly imagine what it would be like to kiss them, pressing the goblet to your lips he finally let out a soft purr, “Drink.” You let your eyes flutter shut as he lifted the glass, letting the dark liquid slip between your lips.

The wines sweet taste was overpowered by the bitter twinge of metallicness causing it’s texture to become thicker than normal but you obediently swallowed the small sip before he pulled the goblet from your lips, letting his thumb swipe at the leftover stain it left on your lip.

He finally let go of you before letting his tongue drag over the pad of his thumb, his lidded eyes never leaving yours, “Nothing compares to even just a taste.” He leaned in as he murmured, barely above a whisper. 

Glancing up at his towering figure your mouth quirked into a frown he never enjoyed seeing on such pretty lips, he and you both knew there was no point in whispered sweet nothings, or even flirting with the idea. If he ever drank from you, you’d be exiled no doubt and you had no family or home to go to if that were too happen.

And yet you still found yourself drawing closer to him, you couldn’t use his seductive charm as an excuse as your choker warded it off, it was his own energy that drew you in. Just before your lips could meet fate had knocked on the door causing you to jump back as he sighed. 

Eye’s still shut briefly as if already knowing someone had been on their way up. You seemed dazed for a second, your cheeks red and ears burning before rubbing your head and quickly making way for the door.

Opening the door you anticipated one of the servants to be requesting you for something, your lips already parted ready to speak before they your brows shot up at the sight before you, “Lady Kang,” 

You instantly dropped to a small curtsy, this must’ve been the lady in waiting he had chosen for feeding, wasn’t it a little early though? “My apologies, I would’ve left sooner had I known you would be arriving early for the night.”

Kang Minsoo only spared you one guarded glance, her face curled in slight disgust as to why a lowly maid such as yourself was in the bedroom of the crown Prince, “Apology accepted, be sure to leave early tomorrow though, I will be arriving at the same time. You may see yourself out.” 

Her words were formal and sharp as she sized you up, you supposed she had every right, she was after all possibly the most likely candidate chosen to carry the next heir of the kingdom.

You instantly curtsied once more as you answered, “Yes m'lady,” You quickly skirted past her out the door before silently sighing turning around briefly to find Jungkook peering at you from the other side of the door, Minsoo in front of him and yet his eyes hungry stared at you, “Have a nice night.” 

You closed the doors, cutting off your view of the Prince before sighing, pressing your head against the hardwood briefly, your fingertips brushing over your lips where Jungkook had previously placed his own.

You could already hear a loud moan from the otherside of the door as you clenched your fist in anger. How dare he make you feel so exposed, so open only to knowingly be interrupted. Did he just enjoy taunting you? Knowing you could desire him all you wanted but fully knowing you’d never have him. 

At the sound of another moan, you forced your breath to calm as you straightened your back. If anyone where to pass by you’d surely look indecent listening in on the intimacy of Jungkook’s feeding.

Swallowing you turned your back, forcing the emotions back down your throat before making your way back down the stairs, candles lining against it casting a darker tone over them.

Feeding would begin soon for the rest of the vampires and it would be best if you headed for bed. No longer required by the Prince for the rest of the night, though secretly you wished he would.

Opening the door to your room you sighed, gently shutting the door before shedding your clothes for your nightgown, your hand briefly running over your neck while the vivid memory of Jungkook staring at the skin burned in your mind, your body was burning in such intense desire it felt difficult to stand. 

You forced yourself to lay down, refusing to let your hands get the better of you as your imagination ran wild. You doubt you’d get any sleep that night.

You could feel the stares on your figure from most of the knights in the room. The Prince had asked you to accompany him on this meeting and more days then less, it was never needed and you often just busied yourself when he attended them. Today had been different though and you couldn’t place why. You’d never deny him though and therefore stood a little ways behind him, hands clasped behind your back as you observed their discussion.

“Your Highness, Incúrsio has requested for aid, their sacrifice to the dark lord will be upon them soon and their hysteria is heightening with each day. They fear they’ll be raided by the near pack Blood Moon despite our treaty with them…” The head knight, Marcello had reported, his eyes had only met yours briefly when you had entered into the room behind Jungkook. 

Despite your presence in the room being unnecessary, no knight had the courage to speak up on it though, was it from fear, or from loyalty? You weren’t sure but stayed quiet throughout the meeting nonetheless, assuming they wouldn’t want the opinion of a maid regardless.

The village on topic: Incúrsio had apparently been under plague of a demon’s curse where the village would sacrifice a young virgin girl every year to keep from the demon destroying it’s village- though you had heard different tales saying it would swallow the world whole. You had always been a little more pragmatic though. And like most knights in the room- though they hadn’t said it, you could tell they didn’t believe the myth, and neither did you.

Jungkook remained quiet until then, sitting leaned back in his chair and his hands had intertwined while his chin rested on them looking in deep thought before speaking up, “I’m aware Incúrsio is used heavily for our most used trading route. It would make sense to repay them for their agreement to let us pass through, would it not?” 

Everyone was quiet for a moment, as if not sure what he was getting at. But you had to resist the urge to smile, his logic couldn’t be faulted, it was not only a good reason but a kind one as well to send guards as thanks for tribute to the successful trading route that had been established through passage of Incúrsio, but more importantly it kept the wolf pack Red Moon at bay from suspicion of a possible attack on their kin and the villagers of Incúrsio more secure of their safety while all parties remained neutral with each other.

Your Prince was always a smart one, you’d give him that. You felt an odd sort of pride swell in your chest as you glanced at the back of his chair. He had always been so kind to everyone and never dismissed a persons concerned, no matter how silly and Incúrsio was a perfect example of his truly gentle nature.

All of the knights began to slowly agree as if finally coming to the conclusion and the meeting had since been dismissed. All of the knights leaving outside of one. Your childhood friend Taehyung’s eyes lingering on yours for a brief moment as you passed him a small smile, walking over letting him speak before you as he always did, “I didn’t expect to see you here Y/n.” 

He had already grabbed your hand, an awful habit of his since he was a child but you couldn’t reprimand him when he had such a soft boxy smile adorning his features.

You had parted your lips to speak only for the voice behind you to speak louder, “Unless you have council with me Kim you may go.” Jungkook’s voice was deeper than usual and held an almost icy tone making Taehyung quickly straighten up, his hand letting go of yours as he bowed. Sending you one last look before departing from the room. 

Frowning you watched him shut the door before turning to face the Prince, his hair had been covering his eyes making him look more broody and his glare rested on the door that previously shut before he allowed his shoulders to relax and his expression soften as he let his gaze cast over you, “What do you think Y/n?”

You tilted your head curiously as he swept his hair from his eyes to get a better look at you, “Pardon?” You asked unsure of what he had meant as you were still focusing on what had just happened. You couldn’t even say a word to Taehyung before he had been abruptly dismissed by your master.

Jungkook allowed a small smile to pull on his lips, finding your puppy like confusion sweet as he replied endearingly, “Incúrsio, what do you think? About the demon’s curses.” You curved a brow before giving a small shrug. You never thought incredibly hard on it, and it was mainly an old folktale told by the maids during work to make conversation.

“Well,” You paused, licking your lips as your eyes squinted on the table in thought, “I’m not sure your Highness, I’ve never traveled outside the city before so I’ve never been to Incúrsio. But if something as powerful as a demon would plague it’s village, I think the better question to ask is why. Do you think a demon plagues their village?” 

Surely a demon wouldn’t have need for a virgin girl let alone barbarically feast on her. You lived and shared the world with Vampires, Werewolves and Ghouls alike, if a demon were to exist- and you were sure they did, you wanted to imagine they weren’t as monstrous as humans like to make them out to be.

Jungkook let a smile quirk on his lips at your question as he hummed, “Perhaps, I’m a believer in oddities. I wouldn’t be surprised if a demon did plague them. We’ll have to visit for ourselves one day I suppose.” You glanced away from him at his words, visit? Together? You knew it was meant as himself and you travel to accompany him. But you couldn’t help but wonder if it’s overtones had meant to sound like traveling together, as a couple.

“I’d rather not,” You settled for answering truthfully before humming, letting your fingertips tracing against the beautiful dark oak table, “...That’s where I was close to found…” You murmured more to yourself then him, after a second you finally registered the silence before looking up to see Jungkook staring at you intently, his full attention on you keenly as if taking in your every word. 

Flustered you cleared your throat with a sheepish smile, “I...I’m sorry- It’s just...I never knew my parents, the guards on rotation from Incúrsio found me not too far off it’s road, they said it looked like a bandit raid from a carriage but there wasn’t any death followed. Just abandoned and broken and me left there…”

You felt your cheeks burn as your stare on the table hardened and you tried your best to smile but it felt more like a grimace. Defeatedly you let your lips drop  before swallowing down your old emotions. You couldn’t help but wonder what had happened, did your family leave you behind? Or had they been taken? Were they still out there, looking for you?

You jumped at the feeling of two large hands cupping your face, having not realized Jungkook had stood up from his seat, now standing in front of you as he gently lifted your gaze to meet his, “Never apologize for what you cannot change.” His words were sweet and gentle as he whispered them, the cold nip of his hands sending a pleasant shiver down your spine and goosebumps along your skin as you could help but let your eyes fall shut. 

Unconsciously leaning into his touch as he soothingly stroked along the warm skin of your face, thumbs padding along your cheekbones as he calmed your nerves, “Don’t you wish for closure? You might find it there if you went.” He murmured delicately, his grasp on your face never leaving as he continued to let one hand stroke down to your jaw, making you preen closer for his affection, not aware of the gentle smile pulling on his lips at the sight.

At his words you eventually sighed, letting your eyes open again making a frown pull on his lips mirroring your own at the dejected, formal tone taking over your expression once more, “I was found on the road to Incúrsio, not at the actual village,” You pulled away from his grip as you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking at him a little more guarded than before as his expression crumbled slightly at your defensive stance, “Going there would be nothing but a bitter reminder of that. If you don’t have any other need for me I’ll see myself to help in the dining room.”

Jungkook turned around to hide the hurt in his eyes and the ache in his heart as he walked to the large window overlooking the courtyard, “Yes that’s all I needed Y/n, you may go.” You lingered for a second, glancing at his regal figure that peered out into the evening sky before turning around. 

Your heart begging you to stay, but your head forced you out the door. It would never work out anyways. There was no need to stay behind and entertain the idea...though you’d admit, it was getting more difficult with each day.

It was like it was any other morning, you were tired and you were sure it was cast over your features after yet another long and painful night, thoughts surrounding the Prince in less than decent ways as you struggled to not submit to the crave of your body he had power over even when he wasn’t present. 

You had been pledged to the Sisterhoods monastery like most of the human maid’s since you were a child, one of the vows you’d be taking was to submit from all physical desire, you wouldn’t take that vow until spring but you had been taught from a young age by the nun’s that it was a lifelong practice for a fellow sister.

You wanted to try your best to maintain purity and to abstain from any sort of physical pleasure but the Prince was making it more and more difficult by the day. It was so cruel, he could have any woman he wanted, even if he didn’t have a choice, he could easily take whoever he pleased. All you had was this one option, you couldn’t ruin it for yourself.

Your feet were beginning to ache and they took you out of your thoughts as you finished dusting around the office. Jungkook had just finishing signing off a seal of approval to one of the outer villages, guaranteeing they’d have shelter from the harsh weather to come when he spoke, “Y/n.” 

You paused, glancing around as you rose your brows in acknowledgement, “When do you pledge?” You had expected him to request for you to bring him something.

Having him ask not only a question but a personal one made your lips parted, “Less than a year,” You murmured, turning your focus back on the bookshelf as you wiped it down once more to try and make yourself look busy, “I’ll take my oath come spring.”

“And will you live in the monastery?” Jungkook’s voice was level and you couldn’t read his tone nor figure out why he had suddenly decided to ask. Pausing once more you debated your options. Was there a particular reason he asked? Or was it to just make small talk? He often did so with you on quiet days such as these when he spent them mainly in his office.

“Yes, sisters are expected to live there.” You answered, your back still turned from him. Perhaps for the best, he was already aware of your pledge and yet that never stopped either of you most days in getting caught up with one another, even if it was less than a glance. You didn’t necessarily want to move away from the castle, but this was for the best now. 

Your feelings for Jungkook would only blossom with time and you knew they would become nothing but wilted and crumbled when he married and raised his own family. You weren’t sure you could be here to witness that, let alone be by his side as his personal maid in the process.

“I see…” He replied, his voice still unreadable, you were never disciplined enough to stay away from his gaze for so long, forcing you to turn around as you glanced at his seated figure across the room, it was silent for another steady breath, those dark maroon eyes burning into yours were worth more than a thousand words, “A pity,” He finally resigned, forcing his gaze to drop to the letter in front of him, “You’d make such a lovely wife for a man lucky enough.”

Your grip on your rag tightened at his words and you struggled to keep your face neutral as the scowl threatened to twist onto your lips. Why did he always say such things? It was already hard enough having to rein in your desires.

Having him force more ideas into your head, one where you were his wife, it was beginning to become more painful with each day, “All pretty things wilt in time, I’m not any different. I doubt I’d find a single human male in a kingdom of vampires.”

Your future really was bleak when you lived with almost near immortal beings, you turned back to the bookshelf feeling his gaze burn dark on you, and you could almost see his lips part in defense before snapping shut, as if knowing he had no say regardless, “Don’t say that.”

“What?” You looked over your shoulder back at him only to find him standing up from his seat making you sheepishly look ahead once more. You could hear the soft padding of his feet as they traveled across the room and your heart rate had spiked once more as he answered, “That you’ll die.”

You could feel the sudden tension in the room spike as silence filled the room, your movements paused but you didn’t dare turn around to face him, the sudden need to relieve the stiffness in the air as you spoke, “It’s true your Highness,” You meekly turned to face him before offering a small smile, “I’ll be rolling in my grave before your 500th birthday.” 

That was apparently a big turning point in every Vampire’s life, for what? You weren’t sure, they were always so keen to keep their secrets among themselves, “All humans share the same fate in the end, that’s just life.”

Jungkook stood in front of you now, forcing you to crane your head to look at him, his eyes were hooded and dark, your joke not being taken as such forcing his maroon eyes to dim further as the frown forced its way onto his lips, “Not if you were turned,” His voice low and a slight husk making your thighs squeeze together involuntarily.

His words made a small breath escape your lips before you scolded, unable to hide your expression anymore from him as you glared towards the ground, “Don’t say something so ridiculous.” 

Humans who were turned into a vampire were often bound to their creator for life and furthermore turned were never truly needed outside of procreation purposes. Born female vampires were not fertile leaving the males to mate with turned or humans alike. It was why Jungkook would not only have a wife, a full blooded royal vampire, but also a lady in waiting turned to have his children, which you would be neither, “I doubt anyone would be willing to sponsor me turning.” 

Your blood practically boiled at his words as you whirled around, unable to even look at him anymore. You had accepted your life long ago, being human. There was nothing you could do about it. And you’d be open to talking about all sorts of possibilities if it were anyone but Jungkook opening the discussion.

“I would.” You almost jumped out of your skin at the arms that suddenly coiled around you, your back pressing firmly into his chest and you could vividly watch the walls you had built so high, so desperately to keep him away just crumble at being in his cold grip, those soft ice cold lips brushing against your ear with a murmur, the beat of his own heart- off rhythm from that of a human. 

Your body was stiff at first but it was difficult to not relax in his grip, he felt so safe, it felt like this was meant to be. As if his arms were always meant to be wrapped around you.

“But you can’t.” Three words, it was all you spoke; for the first time in four months. You supposed it was time for this conversation with him, the one you thought for sure you both silently knew should never take place. And yet here you were, uttering them anyways. You always understood them, but they felt bitter on your lips and the pain flushed in your chest at having to admit to it.

His arms wrapped tighter around you as if speaking silent defiance, his hair tickling your shoulder and his nose dragging against your neck as if to replace his teeth, “Take off your choker.” Your body shuddered at his words, his hands pulling to the sides of your waist as he began to pet down the sides of your body making you instantly shift closer your head leaning back against him. 

Your hands were shaky but they obediently went to your neck, fumbling as you went to take off your choker. Timely interruptions were always made though as a knock sounded on the door making you almost jump out of his grip. Jungkook inhaled sharply, annoyance flooding through his body as the voice called through the door, “Your Highness the court seeks audience with the king, it was requested that you be present.”

“I will be out in a moment.” Jungkook answered, his forehead pressed against your neck before letting his lips chastely kiss against it’s skin before murmuring, “I expect you in my room tonight, I will see you then, my love.” Your heart rate was near airborne as your breath hitched, his love? You were his love? It should’ve made you happy, but all you felt was miserable, a situation like this was always bound to end in either death or heartbreak.

Jungkook let go of you before exiting the room and nothing but the memory of him remained with you, openly you sighed whilst running a hand through your hair feeling lost and unsure of what to do or how to feel anymore.

You had just finished helping in the kitchen, most of your day had been spent there as Jungkook hadn’t required your assistance the rest of the day, well it more had to do with him spending most of his day in court listening to whatever was being discussed. This often happened whether it was plans of invading lands, help for the people, anything could be going on in that room. You were rarely needed there and therefore made yourself busy meanwhile.

It was quiet and the kitchen servants had just left to tend to the court ladies afternoon tea leaving you to watch over the simmering soup that had been prepared for the human side of the court.

The room was quiet and you had been left alone with your thoughts, Jungkook’s words still ghosting against your ear. Would you go to visit him tonight? Surely he wasn’t serious, you felt a twinge of worry gnaw inside you, he’d need to feed tonight and you could only hope he wouldn’t be waiting for you to sate his hunger.

“Gotcha!” You nearly screamed at the harsh squeeze on your waist and shouted words, not expecting anyone else in the kitchen before you heard the deep laugh fill the room as the grip on your waist was released, “The look on your face was priceless!”

You whipped around with a glaring scowl as you threatening pointed your spatula at the cheeky Vampire knight, “Taehyung you near scared me into my grave!” he was going to give you a heart attack one of these days, Taehyung not only had been your childhood friend, but a servant at the castle for as long as you as well, you had grown up together side by side. 

The only difference was that he had recently become turned at request to become apart of the knights. It was a huge honor for a human and he had been hesitant at first but you had supported the idea one hundred percent and therefore lead him to his undead life.

Undead wasn’t necessarily the right word for it, humans often made up silly folklore for vampires, in which none of half were true. Vampires weren’t necessarily dead- though some could be, most were an entity all on their own with their own heartbeat and almost tar like blood, they were in a sense like werewolves except they were cold blooded in nature making them icy and cold to the touch.

“Like you’d ever sit in your grave for too long,” Taehyung replied as he snatched the spatula away from you, scooping up it’s contents before popping his finger in his mouth. Puckering his lips he hummed, “It’s a little salty.” He gave a boxy smile as you rolled your eyes, “Wish I could enjoy it the way I used too.” His nose wrinkled a little. You couldn’t say you were surprised. 

While turned vampires could still eat human food but they could no longer sustain on it the way they used too. The need to feed for blood was now in Taehyung’s transformed genetic makeup now, it didn’t matter how much human food he ate. He would never be satisfied until he fed.

Sighing you grabbed the spatula from him before setting it down on the countertop, “What are you doing here?” You always enjoyed his company, especially now that he was always busy with the knights but he would always spare you every free second he got and given the interruption you had gotten from Jungkook last time you spoke, you’d be more than happy to talk with him now. 

Every since he had become turned though, you’d only ever admit to yourself that things weren’t quite the same anymore, that was okay though. You were okay with it, in fact, you were happy for him, to see he had found his own place in the court. He served well as a knight.

“Am I not allowed to visit my favorite girl?” Taehyung questioned though he was well aware of his words as he curved a thick brow with a smile, your cheeks burned as you huffed, looking away from him. You had been well aware of his interest in you for some time now, but with the way things had been going with Jungkook you never had the heart to flirt with him.

Rightfully, you should’ve turned both your interest and affection towards Taehyung, he was far better suited for you and you knew he’d never let you down, not intentionally. His beautiful unnaturally blue eyes staying on your figure and you had his every ounce of attention, if you knew what was good for you, you’d let him have your undivided attention as well.

But Jungkook’s ghosted words whispered in your ear once more, ‘My love’ just the memory had chills running down your spine before you cleared your throat with a cough, feeling your cheeks flush except this time not because of the vampire who stood in front of you, “I’m being serious…” You peered down into the boiling pot with a murmur.

“So am I,” Taehyung replied, his voice softening, forcing you to turn around to face him with a quizzical look, you couldn’t help but feel cautious as he stepped closer to you, taking your hands into his larger ones filled with callouses from his sword training, “I know you aren’t interested in me, but at least let me try to court you. Who knows,” He gave you a boxy grin and a wink, “Maybe I can win your heart.”

Your heart, already belonged to Jungkook. You pushed the thousands of thoughts swarming your mind to the back as you frowned, you could easily say no and you knew he’d respect your wish. But...maybe you should give it a try? Things would never work out with the Prince anyways, and maybe Taehyung was right, maybe he could win your heart, “You really think you can?” You finally murmured softly, glancing up at him as his smile widened, his hands squeezing yours gently as he nodded.

“If you give me the chance,” He leaned his forehead against yours, his skin cold just as any vampire but it still didn’t feel natural to you, not when you had known Taehyung your whole life with deep warm skin now pale as the moon and his once warm brown eyes as blue and lit up as the night sky, “Let me take you out tonight, there’s something I’d love to show you.”

You parted your lips to say yes only to pause. Tonight? You swallowed your words at the memory of Jungkook, he said he was expecting you in his room...Tonight. But...he couldn’t of been serious. Whatever it was he was planning, it was a bad idea regardless. Surely he knew that. 

No matter how much he liked you- or you liked him, things would never work. It was time you accept that and at least moved onto someone who you could learn to love. Taehyung had always been handsome as a human, his features had only become more sharp and regal at his turn, you’d be a fool to pass up a chance of life with him. Maybe you wouldn’t have to pledge after all.

“Alright,” You sighed closing your eyes, “What time shall we go?” You could practically feel his smile beaming down at you, his hands excitedly squeezing yours at the chance to prove himself as he hastily kissed your forehead, “9 o’clock in the courtyard, I’ll see you there Y/n.” You could hear another knight teasing him from the hallway as they called his name. With one last smile he exited the room with a spring in his step.

Sighing you felt a drop in your stomach, you could only hope Jungkook had changed his mind at such a silly notion and would go about his regular feeding. Rubbing the spot where Taehyung kissed your forehead you finally allowed a small smile to pull on your lips. Maybe life shared with him wouldn’t be a totally bad idea.

It was nearing time to go and you could feel the anxiousness build in you as you laced your bodice, would Jungkook be okay? Would he be able to feed throughout the night as he normally did. Hungry Vampire’s never bode over well and for him to be a royal. You sighed, forcing your thoughts and concerns for him to the back of your mind as you pulled the thick red cloak over your shoulders and pulling up the hood.

Stepping out of your room you made your way down the hall, stopping briefly at the thought. Surely it wasn’t too late, he’d most likely be on his bed, sitting patiently for your arrival as you had cleaned his room early that day. 

His eyes would be near blood red by now, and his hunger beginning to set in...you felt your knees beginning to weaken at the idea before you shook your head. No, he’d already be on top on Minsoo by now, drinking from her and sating all of his needs. He didn’t need you.

The guard nodded to you while opening the large door of the caste, allowing you to slip out before seeing the familiar dark head of hair peering out at the moonlight, Taehyung looked so serene since his turn, he had naturally become more nocturnal by nature and the moon suited his pale skin almost making him glow. He looked ethereal.

Already sensing your presence Taehyung turned around, his own black hood cloak covering his figure and color clashing against yours, smiling he took your hands into his before pressing a quick kiss against your knuckles, “Are you ready?”

“Of course.” You offered a tiny smile as he began to lead you outside the large gates of the castle and down the large brick walkway, everything was so polished and beautiful in the vampire kingdom, they were far more refined than humans could ever be. Or so you had been told most of your life.

You had never been to one of the human lands before and briefly, you couldn’t help but wonder what the difference would be between them. Taehyung had lead you through most of the city that was now vacant most vampires feeding and briefly you glanced towards Taehyung, had he fed early just so he could take you out? You smiled gently at the thought, he truly was too kind for his own good.

“Alright, we're almost there, just close your eyes.” Taehyung looked like he did when he was little, his eyes brimming with excitement and his boxy grin looking almost childlike and all the more enduring as you rolled your eyes with a smile, putting your hands over your eyes as he lead you by the waist down the worn and weaved path of the woods.

You stumbled slightly causing his grip on your waist to tighten a little making your face flush and your heartbeat quicken in your chest. He paused making you stop for a moment before he spoke, “Alright! You can open them now.”

Pulling your hands from your face you parted your lips only for no words to be spoken. Your mouth became agape at the sight of the gorgeous lake, the willow tree’s blowing by the chilled breeze of air and the full moon had lit up the whole lake leaving it sparkling and transforming the moss that clung to its sides like seafoam. 

It was beautiful, you had found yourself speaking those words to Taehyung who grinned like a child at your reaction, “I found it during one of my rotations along the south side of the kingdom, I always love to come here to relax after a busy day.” He lead you to a spot before you both sat down in front of the lake, the fireflies dancing just above the water and if you didn’t know any better you’d this was a home to pixies.

“Thank you for giving me a chance Y/n,” Taehyung breathed out gently, leaning into your side as his eyes washed over the scenery, his shoulders relaxed and at peace, “I know you pledge in spring but...I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t at least try to change your mind.”

You fiddled with the hem of your dress, unable to meet his gaze as guilt gnawed in you before sighing, “There isn’t much life for me outside of the sisterhood Taehyung, I don’t want to leave the castle but...what choice do I have? Besides the sisterhood aren’t just nuns, they’re warriors, protectors of the woods. It’s an honor to have them take me in.” 

You were true in your words. You had looked up to the sisterhood your whole life, while you’d start as a nun at the monastery for the moon goddess it was so much more than that. They were trained like warriors and fought not only with fury but also grace, you had been training your whole life with them for this pledge.

“Don’t say that, it’s not your only choice…” Taehyung murmured, his eyes becoming more timid as he glanced towards the lake, appearing a little shy which made you perk in slight curiosity, where was he going with this…? “Y/n…” He shifted in his seat before he let his own eyes meet yours, “I brought you here to ask you something, and I don’t expect an answer right away but…” He glanced down at his lap before bringing both of your own hands into his, “If you were given the chance to be turned...would you take it?” He asked meekly.

Your brows shot up immediately at his question before you shifted away from him warily, what was that supposed to mean? Turned vampires themselves couldn’t actually turn humans, only a born vampire was able too, “I…” You faltered in your sentence as your gaze cast down, “I don’t know…” 

You were torn between an answer, because you still enjoyed life as a human, even if vampires looked down upon you as a lesser being. Most would say yes at the idea of eternal youth and life on earth for millennia, but you couldn’t help but frown at the idea, didn’t it ever get lonely? 

Watching the world around you wither away as you stayed young, whatever human you befriended becoming old and frail in age before eventually going beyond the veil, “Why do you ask?” You finally plucked the courage to glance up at him again a little more weary.

Taehyung shifted once more, his gaze still timid before his eyes fall to your hands that were intertwined, “Ever since I turned I can’t stop thinking about you Y/n,” He confessed with a whisper, “About your morality, your time is so short on this earth it scares me. My master….he...he’d be willing to sponsor your turn- should you ever decide this is the life you’d like to live. I know it isn’t fair of me to spring this on you. And you want to join the sisterhood but, please consider it. For me.”

Your lips parted several times but no words came out. His master would sponsor your turn? You nibbled on your lip before looking away, feeling torn. You weren’t sure if you ever wanted to become a vampire. If you did that meant you’d be tormented all the longer at watching Jungkook grow into the king he had been born to be...Jungkook…

It came like a wave in your chest as you sighed, unable to look him in the eyes as you murmured, “I’ll think about it.” You would not.

Waking up in bed you felt groggy as you shifted, the rays of morning light causing you to squint before sighing, you didn’t remember falling asleep in bed? You had ended up staying most of the night with Taehyung by the lake, your conversation moving to more pleasant topics and you had lost track of time, ending up falling asleep against his shoulder. He must’ve took you back home.

A surge of warmth filled your chest at the notion before you pulled yourself from your bed, changing into your regular work attire as you fixed your choker that had become crooked. After you finished changing you went about your morning routine, waking up a few of the ladies you would help tend to that morning before going to the kitchen to serve those of the human side of the court.

It was nearing eleven when you made your way to Jungkook’s office, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel a little nervous, he’d be on a morning ride no doubt but still being in his space left you anxious. Had he fed last night? Surely he did…Closing the door to his office you sighed in relief at the empty space, you began your usual cleaning routine in hopes you’d finish before he had come in unlike yesterday which lead you to this situation.

Thankfully it didn’t take long to do your usual polishing and dusting before exiting the room, next you would’ve tended to his bedroom- except you were stopped short in the hallway at one of the uppermaids who near begged you to help out with one of the ladies in waiting who was throwing a tantrum about not having enough maids to help her get ready. You never turn down a fellow maids request and therefore made your way to the room.

The day had only became more grueling from there, the lady had almost snapped at your entrance and disregarded the fact that you went out of your way to help and almost immediately began demanding you fix her hair. 

Upon her exit from the room you were positive almost all of the maids let out an audible sigh of relief, yourself included, “Could you get her a lavender satchel from the apothecary in town Y/n?” One of the maids asked, her eyes glossy as if she had been trying to hold back her tears from the court lady who had been nothing short of rude to you all, “Please? I must get back to my mistress.”

“Of course,” You smiled gently while nodding as she cried out a thank you. You had afterwards sighed, you’d never tend to the Prince’s requirements at this rate. Going to your room you plucked the red cloak before pulling it over your shoulders and heading for the apothecary shop. 

It shouldn’t have been too far of a walk, you had already made your way down the stone walkway and into the busy town. Everyone was as lively as ever, stalls had just opened and the human farmers of the land had just set their produce out for one another.

Stepping inside the shop you couldn’t help but let the brief smile pull on your lips at it’s quaint appearance and warm homey atmosphere, flowers adorned the whole shop inside giving it a beautiful fragrance and vivid color as you glanced around, you had never been somewhere with so much color, it was gorgeous. You stopped short at the pretty wrath hanging from the front desk of the shop, the pretty delicate purple flowers making you lean down, the urge to pluck one just to smell it’s pretty petals.

“Careful,” You jumped at the sound of the voice from behind you, you had whirled around with cheeks slightly flushed at the sight of the girl, no older than you with a large crooked smirk on her face and feline like eyes, long, thick, beautiful lashes fluttering as she glanced up from you from her large round and pointed hat, “Periwinkle is often associated with witchcraft you wouldn’t want to be seen wearing those in your hair.” You felt an odd shiver up your spine at her oddly playful words, timidly you gave a nod and small polite smile in thanks.

“Would you hush and go tend to the herbs!” Another girl had quickly stepped into the room from it’s back door, her sister you assumed as she scolded, quickly walking behind the desk as she gave you a smile, “I’m sorry for my sister, she never knows when to quit.”

You briefly glanced at the sister who only let a mischievous smile pull on her lips before she sent you a wink, exiting out the backdoor her sister had just come through. You felt a surge of oddness come over you, what odd sisters who ran the shop. You quickly gave your note to the shop owner for the order of lavender and she wasted no time pulling it from the other side of the desk.

For as beautiful as their shop was, you couldn’t help but be thankful to step outside of it, bringing the lavender satchel up to your nose only briefly before smiling at such a pleasant smell. You were deft in your return to the castle once more, stopping short in the courtyard as you almost ran into a figure. 

The familiar dark head of hair turning around in confusion before beaming at you, “Y/n,” Taehyung instantly took your hand to brush a kiss over your knuckle, “I didn’t expect to see you out here.”

“I had to fetch an order for one of the court ladies,” You held up the satchel with a small smile before feeling your cheeks tinge slightly pink, “Thank you for bringing me home last night…”

Taehyung’s smile softened, his hand squeezing yours before pressing his lips back to your hand, “I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” Your face had become even more flushed at his words. Those unnatural blue eyes that looked so foreign on him compared to those warm brown hues he had when he was a human.

“Y/n,” You almost immediately jumped from Taehyung’s grip at the sharp voice that came from ahead, the sight of Jungkook nearly made your heart drop into your stomach, his expression was neutral but you could tell there was tension in his shoulders, “There you are, you weren’t attending to your regular duties.”

You instantly dropped into a curtsy as Taehyung bowed, “My apologies your Highness, I was sent by a lady in waiting to receive an order for her. I’ll return to my duties.” You could feel his gaze burn into your figure as you kept your gaze from meeting his. As always he was calm and composed, whatever was going through his mind kept secret from you.

“All is forgiven, don’t let me keep you.” Jungkook gave a single nod, his gaze lingering on Taehyung briefly before he turned on his heels and sauntered away leaving you gasping for breath though hoping it didn’t come out as such. Must he always have such an effect on you?

Sighing you watched his broad figure disappear into the castle before turning back to Taehyung with an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry, but I must get back to my duties.” Taehyung nodded understandingly before you bid him farewell and returned to the lady’s room and put the satchel of lavender by her bedside.

Relieved to finally have your offset morning rectified you made your way to the kitchen to help prepare for lunch. Your thoughts lingered on Jungkook the whole afternoon though, you had only seen him once today and out of all times it had to be when you were with Taehyung. 

He didn’t seem angry though nor was he crazed by bloodthirst. You couldn’t help but feel relieved by the notion, all had returned to normal it seemed. And though you felt a little dim from the idea you knew it was for the best.

You repeated to yourself once more that it was never meant to be anyways. Nor would it ever work out. You were not only a human but a maid and the whole court had a tendency to snub both of which you fell under. You supposed what you felt must’ve just been seduction from him. Most women would feel that way regardless, the Prince didn’t need his supernatural charm to win people over.

Sighing you set the plate down as you helped served the human ladies in waiting as they all sat at the small table on the terris laughing in delight at one another's conversation. One of these women would be carrying Jungkook’s children one day, the idea almost made you sick. But this was always the harsh reality you faced. That couldn’t ever change.

It was nightfall and you were well aware you had gotten caught up in the day all too fast and had forgotten to clean up Jungkook’s bedroom altogether, sighing you supposed it would be another late day and Kang Minsoo would not be happy to see your presence leaving as she entered.

But unless she wanted to be took on blood stained sheets- the ones which were her fault. Then she’d simply have to deal with it for today.

Gently knocking on the door you waited a moment only for no sound to reply on the other side. Opening the door you noticed the room was empty, it was rather odd given Jungkook was usually retired by now but then again it also wasn’t uncommon for him to work later into the night, vampires didn’t require rest the way humans did after all.

You had instantly began sprucing up the room, cleaning and tidying his things before stripping his bed from it’s sheets, you swallowed a cringed at how rough the bed appeared today. The sheets torn and lewd marks and liquids covered it but there was not a drop of blood to be seen. 

You frowned before sighing, pulling them off and into the hamper before setting out a fresh sheet and making the bed, finishing with all of it’s pillows back in place before folding the final blanket- the velvet one you secretly loved. Gently smoothing out it’s edges as you finished your final touches on the room.

“Where were you last night?” You almost jumped out of your skin at the harshly whispered words in your ears, arms tightly coiling around you body as Jungkook growled against your ear, “I waited for hours my love.”

You stiffened at his words before swallowing harshly, guilt instantly biting in your stomach at how hurt his voice was and how the anger quivered in its wake, you should’ve known better then to assume he was fine, “Do you know how vile it is to drink from those women?” His nose brushed roughly against your neck as he growled them out, “I was so frustrated last night when I had her in my bed when all I wanted was you.”

You could feel your lips quiver slightly and the burn between your legs increase as you frowned, staring down at the red velvet before finally murmuring, “You know as well as I do that nothing good would come of this. It was for the best....please let me go.” You weren’t sure if you meant it physically or emotionally.

Your words only made his grip on you tighten as he growled again, fingers digging into the fabric of your bodice and his cold breath against your skin causing goosebumps to form in its path, “I’ll renounce my whole life before I give up my mate.” 

Your gasp was stuck in your throat his words his...mate? Mate was used in two terms- one in reference to a bond formed between two vampires, the equivalent of a human marriage, and then mate which referenced before marriage that likened to that of a soulmate. Seldom did a vampire actually come across their mate, and here Jungkook was claiming you were his.

“Please don’t make this harder for me…” You almost pleaded softly, closing your eyes as your hands wrapped around his arms, squeezing tightly as if hoping your grip would make him let go. You could bare plenty in your life, but having him act as if you were mates, you don’t know if you could go on any further with that information.

Jungkook fingers dug further into your skin making you emit a soft whimper, his voice gripped and tone serious as he replied, “You are my mate. I’m only telling you the truth. Why do you think we’re so drawn together.” 

Your breath hitched at the feeling of his cold soft lips pressing into your neck, your eyes drawing closed at the soft sensation as his grip released into a gentle hold, his fingers petting down the sides of your body, “You’re the love of my life Y/n, I won’t let you slip away from me. Not now, not ever. You’re mine as I am yours.” He pressed kisses into your neck with each word, “Now let me make you mine. Take it off my love. I’ve craved you for so long. Don’t deny me now.” 

He spoke soft ushered words that tickled against your skin. Your resolve had been broken so quickly as your fingers fumbled to your neck undoing the chain before letting it flutter to the ground as Jungkook let his own hands begin to untie your bodice.

Jungkook let his lips part as he grazed his tongue over your skin causing you to shutter, feeling the bodice slip from your shoulders leaving you feeling bare and open in just your slip dress.

His hands tenderly dragging up your stomach until they kneaded against your breasts, “Mmm! Y-your Highness I can’t be your mate…” You were already rubbing your thighs together as heat pooled between your legs.

His tongue left your body void but his grip over your breasts didn’t falter, “But you are my love,” He continued his trail of wet kisses along your neck, “I’ll protect you, I’ll turn you and you will carry my children, be my wife if you’ll only let me.” His hands were already pulling up your dress, suddenly pulling it over your head leaving you bare and your nipples perking to the cold air of the room making a whimper escape you. 

The idea had nearly swept you off your feet and your panties clung to your folds in a sticky mess at the feeling of his cold hands running over the open skin of your near naked body.

His hand made its way back down your body before making you gasp at the feeling of his hand pushing underneath your panties, his long slim fingers grazing delicately over your hypersensitive bud, “Oh! Mmm! Y-your Highness.” Your arms finally shot up over your head to dig into his hair as he sucked down against your neck, the wave of pleasure shuttering in your body making you squeeze your thighs tightly together.

“You’ve never even touched yourself have you?” Jungkook murmured with a purr as he let his digits rub back down against the sensitive bud making a new louder whimper fall from your lips, “So sensitive and pure,” Jungkook smiled sweetly into your skin as you pressed against him harder at the feeling of his fingers only moving a hair faster against your clit, “I’ll have to treat my princess well tonight won’t I?”

Your hips embarrassingly bucked into his hand at the intense pleasure tremoring through your body and your need for more rushing through your body, “I-I was taught my whole life to abstain. You’ve made that hellish that past four months.” He chuckled softly against your skin before removing his hand from your panties making you stifle a whined objection. 

Jungkook turned you around to finally feast his eyes on your body, your shyness had begun to take over shifting and trying to not cover yourself. It was in one swift motion Jungkook had pushed you onto the bed, pulling your thighs over his shoulders making your face turn bright red.

“Mmm I could tell, I could smell your arousal everytime,” Jungkook let his tongue graze over your inner thigh causing you to squirm with a whimper, “You’re so wet and I haven’t even done anything,” Jungkook almost groaned before letting his tongue press against the fabric separating his tongue and your soft wet folds. You almost strangled out a cry at such a foreign sensation but your body was burning in need for more, “P-please sir-”

Jungkook pulled at the band of your panties before his eyes lidded, “Say my name.” It was a calm demand as he forced his gaze to hold yours while pulling off your panties, you felt flush and exposed, your cunt dripping wet and slick to the touch as your arousal began to slide with a drip.

“J...Jungkook please.” Your voice was soft and pleading, your tone timid as your lips quivered your body ached in such an intense need you could hardly comprehend it. You needed him so badly you were sure you’d step into your grave early if he didn’t take you now.

You watched his lips flick into a wicked smirk changing his whole demeanor as he thumbed against your hipbones, “What a good girl,” He cooed out making you throw your head back with a whine, your cunt aching to be filled as he let his tongue drag against your thigh, purposely ignoring the delicious sight just begging to be ate, “Does my princess want something? Use your words.”

You had arched your back with a whine as he trailed his tongue teasingly closer to your dripping folds, “Jungkook don’t tease me,” your words were begging as you squirmed beneath him, “Please use your tongue, please!” You whined at feeling your pussy almost burn in desire, you needed him so badly.

Jungkook let out an approving hum before leaning down, letting his tongue swipe up a strip of your folds making you almost cry from the odd feeling, his wet tongue mingling with your juices as he inhaled slowly, “You taste just as good as I imagined.” 

And in one breath he began given your needy cunt kitten licks while making his way up to your clit. You were a moaning mess as your back cramped from it’s arch and the soft bed beneath you offered no comfort as his tongue slowly dragged against your sensitive bud, “O-ooh Jungkook! Mm!” 

You were almost incoherent as you thrashed beneath him your body in near shock at the intense pleasure running through your body. Your hips almost rolling along with his tongue as he dragged it against your clit before hitting a spot that made your vision almost blurry.

Gathering your little clit into his mouth he sucked against it gently, letting his tongue prod along it’s sides while you moaned helplessly beneath him unable to even speak anymore as the orgasm rode through your whole body. Jungkook had allowed his long digits to run along your wet folds as he continued to help you ride your orgasm out before pushing a finger inside you.

Pain instantly shot through you as you whimpered trying to pull away on first reaction, “Shhh,” Jungkook cooed out lovingly, pressing a little kiss against your thigh as he pulled out, gathering more of your wetness along his finger before pushing back into your entrance with ease, “Just relax love, it won’t hurt for much longer.” Your thighs were already shaking but you attempted to do as you were told. Whimpering slightly at the feeling of his digit pushing further inside you before pumping slowly.

Your arousal was messy and undoubtedly dripping on the bed by now as it continued to produce from your entrance, his gentle pumping picked up a little at the sight of your hips beginning to roll in sync, “Does it feel good darling?” Jungkook cooed, his tongue dragging back down your thigh again as you whimpered with a nod, causing the smirk to break back onto his lips, “Such a good girl for me, you look so pretty right now Y/n.”

He watched in almost blind pleasure at the way your hips bucked into his hand at his words and the way your velvety wet walls clenched around his single digit as you whined, “Someone loves being a good girl? Don’t you?” His smirk widened at your nod, your neck stretching out and head turning as if just offering yourself for taking as your hips quickly rode against his finger. Jungkook slowly pushed in his next digit, your little whimper like music to his ears as you stretched to accommodate him.

It was slightly uncomfortable at first but your hips refused to stop riding his fingers, the stretch not comparing to the feeling of the pads of his fingertips grazing against the walls of your needy pussy, “Do you want your second release?” Jungkook asked with a purr making you choke out a whimper as you nodded.

He instantly let his fingers curl inside you making you clench around him with a moan at the unexpected new sensation, pleasure shooting through you as you whimper, “A-ah! Jungkook, right there!” You whined your thighs clamping around him harshly, those silky long locks of hair tickling against your skin as his fingers dug into your g-spot.

“Mmm, you sound so pretty when you moan like that sweetheart,” Jungkook murmured, his hand pumping into you quicker making sure you were nothing short of a whining, moaning mess as you clenched around him harshly, body so sensitive as you bucked into him, “Cum for me princess.”

Obediently your walls clenched around him harshly as he hit your g-spot one last time, your body curling and aching as your second orgasm washed over you and your cunt needily sucking his fingers into you further as you moaned far louder than you ever wanted too. 

Just at the peak of your pleasure you felt a sharp sting in your thigh before the pleasure in you almost twisted and snapped even harsher making your head fall back with close to a scream leaving your lips.

Jungkook’s eyes were bright blood red before fluttering them shut as he bit into your inner thigh, your blood sweet and light nearly making him dizzy headed. Euphoria nearly achieved as your hips rode against his fingers, letting them hit into your g-spot skillfully making your next orgasm arrive closer.

“J-Jungkook I’m- I’m..!” Your voice was cracked and another whimper fell from your lips as his thumb suddenly dragged up to your clit as your hips continued to move with his fingers. 

Rubbing friction between both spots had you coming again as you moaned brokenly, nearly sobbing at the pleasure and sensitivity your body was under as you rapidly clenched and released around his fingers, a weird sensation bubbling inside you making you swallow and whimper before liquid came spewing from your abused little hole.

You were hazy and you could feel the wave of embarrassment but it didn’t quite reach you due to the pleasure your body was swimming in. Jungkook pulled away from your thighs, his usual maroon color burning blood red and color was flushed in his face making him more human than he’d ever be, his hair now wet and the haughty smirk coiled on his face grounding you back to what had just happened as your lips parted several times, “I...did I..?”

Jungkook released your thighs from his grip as he set you down, kissing along your stomach as he replied, “You squirted princess, and you looked fucking hot while doing it.” Your mouth went dry at his vulgarity but your body was relit at his words despite your thighs snapping shut. Jungkook had pulled away before unbuttoning his shirt leaving you almost swallowing your soft whine at the sight of his chiseled upper body on display.

It was when he let his pants drop that your lips quivered into a pout at the large cock that sprang from it laying towards his abdominal. His shaft was thick and curved slightly with a vein protruding, leaving you with the strong urge to touch it as precum oozed from his large bulbous head as he licked his lips, “Don’t worry my love,”

He lunged down, caging you between his arms as his lips sucking against your neck, “It’ll fit. It may be uncomfortable at first so tell me to stop if it hurts.” He peppered little kisses into the crook of your neck before parting your legs and slotting himself between them, grasping his cock as he pumped himself a few times while letting out a breathy moan.

You shifted slightly against him with a shaky breath yourself only to flutter your eyes shut at the feeling of his head running along your sticky slit, letting it drag in circles over your already sensitive clit as you bit back a cry.

Jungkook continued to let his shaft run along your folds covering himself in your arousal before lining his hips up with yours, with ease he began to push his tip inside you causing you to whimper from the uncomfortable stretch. Jungkook buried into your neck as he paused his movements pressing a little kiss against your skin before easing himself in further with a soft relieved sigh.

“Y-you’re so big.” You whimpered, your body clenched around his size as he gently pushed his shaft further inside you. You could feel his cock throb slightly at your words and his lips parted against your neck before sucking it’s skin.

“You feel so good princess,” Jungkook finally released a moan, forcing himself to stop at the sound of your whimper now taking his whole cock inside you like the big girl he knew you were, “I’ve loved you for so long now, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you.” 

He kept kissing your neck, not only was he in physical euphoria, but he was also in emotional as well, finally having you in his arms after all these years, always having to pretend as if he didn’t see you among the crowd of servants, how long he ached for your touch, “How much I need you.”

Your body shuddered at his words as he began to pull himself out of you and rolling his hips gently into you again, letting out a soft moan your walls began to relax and stretch comfortably around him, “I- I love you too.” You finally said those dreaded, damn words you had worked so hard to never think of, Jungkook had made them so easy to say as he thrusted back into you deeply, his thick shaft running along your g-spot making you moan as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

Jungkook instantly let his fangs run along your neck as his hips suddenly snapped into yours making you whimper at the rough sensation as your legs shakily wrapped around his waist, “Mmm, my beautiful mate,” Jungkook’s voice was filled with pride and lust as he let his hips take over, thrusting into you at whatever speed they pleased as you whimpered.

Clenching around him as he continuously dragged along your g-spot, his pubic bone rubbing into your clit as you moaned, hands tangling into those long silky locks you imagined doing so many nights spent alone, “Where did you go last night?” He suddenly demanded, his tone stern and hissing in possessiveness, “Was it with that little knight that wouldn’t keep his hands away from you.”

His voice snapped as much as his hips, you couldn’t even form a full sentence as his thumb suddenly reached down to rub harshly over your abused little clit, “You’re mine. Mine.” He hissed with venom, “Mine to hold, mine to love, mine to fuck. Mine.” He emphasized every word with each punctuated thrust that had you rapidly clenching around him as he roughly rubbed circles around your hypersensitive nub. 

You were coming for the fourth time in seconds as you clenched around him harshly, eyes watering from how sensitive you became as the pain smoothly mixed with the pleasure he put your body under, “Say it.” He snapped, lips lunging down before he let his fangs sink into your skin making you cry a whimper as your euphoria clouded your vision and your orgasm magnified once more, his release stringing deep inside you as his own orgasm took over his body.

‘I-I’m yours! I’m only yours Jungkook. I only belong to you.” You whimpered feeling his body relax and your head become lighter as he drank slowly and with ease as his hips slowly followed suit until he pulled his softening cock out of you. Cum dripping between your legs and a sheen of sweat covered both of you.

His fangs dug into your skin and his thumbs rubbed gently against your thighs as he took his time, enjoying the only blood that could ever sate his appetite, his emptiness and loneliness. 

Your eyes were becoming heavy with a need for sleep as Jungkook continued his feeding, careful to not overindulge or drink too fast. Your body felt complete, and whole, safe with him hovering on top of you protectively.

Slowly you let your eyes droop before allowing yourself to fall into a restful sleep.

Waking up your vision was blurred and your body nipped with a chill as you shifted, a little confused at first, you never had this much sunlight in your bedroom...Your eyes suddenly shot open when you remembered it was because you weren’t in your bedroom. Instead you were in the only bedroom you had become so acquainted with outside your own.

Jungkook’s arms were wrapped around you and your back was pressed snug into his chest, his locks of hair tickling against your cheek as he nuzzled into the crook of your neck, pressing a sleepy kiss into his bite mark making you wince from the afterpain.

You allowed yourself a few minutes to enjoy the silence of the room, the love of your life holding you in his arms with no objections or misleading words to shoo you from his room, it was perfect. You could wake up like this every day if you could...If you could…”Jungkook.” You finally murmured softly.

“Hm?” He hummed out, his voice groggy and his eyes still snapped shut, perhaps still half asleep and not even fully conscious of his voice.

Shifting slightly you let your fingers trace against the cold skin of his hand that had begun to stroke your stomach gently, “What’s going to happen now? If anyone finds out you bit me…” 

Your lips quivered at so many thoughts crashing into your mind, what of the sisterhood? Your only solace now took from you. What about Taehyung and his love for you now fully unrequited. What was going to happen to you?

“If they find out they’ll answer to me my love,” His voice was deeper than usual, ridden with sleep as he shifted against you, not particularly worried as he lovingly stroked your soft skin, adoring the gentle beat of your heart as he let his nose rub along the sweet love bite tainting your pure skin, “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Turning around to face him you, for the first time in all your life you let full happiness flood every fiber of your being, a beautiful smile Jungkook would forever cherish sight of staining your lips before pressing a sweet, chaste kiss against his lips. 

Letting his nose rub against yours before gently stroking your hair and tucking you away into his chest, “Now go back to sleep, my love, all will be taken care of.”

#bts #bts x reader #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader smut #vampire!jungkook #prince!jungkook #bts vampire #bts vampire au #jungkook smut

[huacheng-zhu]

ok so 2ha. vague spoilers ahead (important spoilers are warned but watch out)

that’s a solid 4.5/5 for me. this novel RUINED me and I loved it for it. it made me feel like very few novels (and even stories in general) did. today I’m STILL shaken over a part of it that I read two days ago, despite the happy ending. I have A Lot of thoughts (shout-out to @whateverwuxian​ who can testify that I couldn’t shut up about it, love you buddy!!) so I just went ahead and [gestures below]

starting with the negative so we can enjoy all the positive later. feel free to discuss but I’m extra sensitive and these are only my personal feelings so they probably won’t change anyway, so be nice please!

what I didn't like:

too many r*pe scenes. I get that the non-con """makes sense""" narratively and thematically but like. they didn't have to be explicit. at the very least not all of them. sorry but too much is too much. there are more non-con sex scenes/flashbacks than consensual sex scenes! stop! we get it! enough now!

not a fan of a 26yo falling in love with a 16yo. if cwn had initiated Anything I would’ve thrown the novel out the window. but thankfully it didn’t happen, I got invested, and nothing mutual happened until mo ran was 22, so I mostly got over it, but I’m still somewhat uncomfortable with it for very personal reasons.

their first time putting it in. it felt so unfair and I was very upset over it. it could’ve worked without going There? why. was that necessary. and it's heartbreaking for both of them, because mo ran didn't want to do it either. he wanted them to take all their time. he wanted to go step by step. all he wanted was to make sure cwn would be happy and comfortable and never hurt again in bed. for their first time that way he wanted it to be special. but it was just. taken away from them, and for what? for nothing there’s absolutely no reason for it. I get there’s the metaphorical foreshadowing of the upcoming reveal aspect (spoilers) both of them not consenting, mo ran being horrified -> the reveal that mo ran was cursed and so would’ve never wanted to treat cwn like this in the past either if he’d had control (end spoilers) but still?? and it’s never brought up again? I know they don’t get the time until the very end but hhhh. yeah I have Feelings over this

some plot twists hit good emotionally but had no point? thinking of the one about xue meng here.

there’s horny, and then there’s mo ran. it’s not a bad thing, it’s just not the kind of stuff I like reading about and book 1 and 2 are A Lot on that side so in book 2 after a while ME, THE BIGGEST ASEXUAL WHO COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT SEX SCENES, WAS LIKE, “oh my god have mercy please just fuck already I beg of you” and indeed they chilled a bit after that. like they were still horny but. less intensely and less all the fucking time. thank god (I still think the farm arc was hilarious to witness though, and I did love it)

kinda wish their reunion at the end was longer and more emotional but that’s just because I love that shit

(spoilers) kinda wish we got to see shi mei again before he went off doing his blind wandering doctor stuff. a talk with ranwan would’ve been very interesting. (end spoilers)

xue meng didn’t get a hug

that one thing at the end you know the one. maybe I'd be more into it if it'd been given time to be explored seriously and wasn't played off as a joke. it kinda ruined the mood of their last scene for me. (spoilers spoilers spoilers this is the end of this section if you don’t want to get spoiled) in that scene I wanted chu wanning to ride off into the sunset with mo ran, not txj. like, txj is the alternate world’s “if there had been no transmigration” version of mo ran 2.0. the whole point is that mo ran IS txj in book 1, but changes and becomes mo ran 2.0. mo ran 2.0, who by the end of the novel has already done all the redemption and deconstruction of his dubious habits. who he was as txj is long behind him. at this point txj will always be a part of who he was, but they are pretty much two 'different' people now. txj disappearing into dust after everything that happens at the end was beautiful symbolism. it meant something. to me there was no point keeping txj around after all that other than for “haha split personalities fighting over cwn’s attention uwu” THAT SAID the fact I'm not a fan of the idea doesn't mean I don't like txj. I care txj a lot and have Emotions over him, and I will definitely eventually explore this in my writing

(still spoilers) the demonic blood reveal was a bit.... deus ex machina? plus I personally would've preferred mo ran staying a regular person (end spoilers)

alright what I liked now:

the themes, both regarding the characters and the various plot elements. this novel really challenges your morals and what you think is right or wrong, what’s redeemable, what’s punishable, and how much one relies on first impressions, amongst other things. this novel is the definition of “don’t judge a book by its cover” but also “look further than the first page” in so many ways

the romance. like I don’t need to say anything there. just, the slow burn, the longing, the yearning, the romance [clutches heart]

the plot twists/reveals. I’m so glad I was barely spoiled (I was spoiled two Big things but very vaguely so I was still surprised) because pretty much all of them had me shouting “WHAT” and/or gaping and/or various “what the fuck!!!”/”holy SHIT”/“NO” reactions

the way a lot of those reveals just completely change your view on things/characters?? that’s my jam

wontons. that was the first time I cried and my first very physical reaction to an event in this novel. I literally felt like time froze. I heard my heart beating. it was painful but AMAZING.

might be nothing in the grand scheme of things but honestly, all the food! I love that mo ran is an excellent cook and can make all those delicious dishes for cwn. as someone who loves to cook for their loved ones I think it’s so lovely that he gets to do that

the character growth. for everyone, but mo ran in particular? like I just. I started off not liking mo ran very much, straight up despising him at times, and in the end I was fucking sobbing over him and cried myself to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night to cry some more so there’s that

chu wanning? there were aspects of him that I related to heavily, and that felt both like the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known and very special because it doesn’t happen to me that often

the whole deaging arc. that was deaging done right and it had a purpose in the narrative and their relationship growth, I was “!!!!”

I LOVE how they took their time with EVERYTHING once they got together? that it spanned over several weeks? that it started with the confession, then just holding hands, then kissing, then making out, then sex, and even the sex was step by step! it said A LOT about mo ran’s character growth and it respected SO MUCH the fact that cwn is a 32yo (unrelated but (spoilers) I like to argue that yeah he’s been alive for 32 years but when you’ve been asleep and not aging physically nor growing mentally for five years in a way that makes you a 27yo. so when he calls his body “mature and old” and compares himself to shi mei I’m just. buddy your body is just three years older than shi mei’s there’s barely any difference in maturity right there. I know it’s your lack of self-worth speaking, and believe me I get it, but don’t be so hard on yourself. (end spoilers) anyway, this is an unimportant and unrelevant thought that I had during the mirror scene) who has no experience in any of these things whatsoever. he's not pushed into sex like he's going to be comfortable right off the bat and like it isn’t such a big change in a life that’s been ascetic so far. mo ran is aware of that! and when they have their first time mo ran, who’s been maybe even more horny than cwn all this time - seriously horny is that guy’s middle name, who initiated the sex, what does he say!!! "don't worry about me, tonight, I just want to make you feel good"??? mo ran?? your character development??? I appreciated that so much.

the pain. I’m still bleeding on the floor despite the happy ending but yeah. I like angst and I was not disappointed. it didn’t feel that gratuitious to me, more like, brutally honest? I don’t cry that easily but by the end I think I’d cried, what, close to ten times??

quite a few excellent quotes [lies down] “I realized - I had grown into the you in my heart”?? “hell is too cold”??? I highlighted more but those two are the ones that always come to my mind first

most of the time the flashbacks were perfectly inserted for maximum emotional damage and I respect that skill

xue zhengyong. like he’s not my favourite, my favourites are xue meng, nangong si and ye wangxi but? I just adored him so he gets a special mention

the side characters? like, I legit loved Everyone? when I cry over side characters you know it’s serious

THE CONFESSION SCENE. LIKE. HOLY SHIT MY HEART. it comes reaaally close to the vocal one (because hua cheng confesses so many times without words) at the end of tgcf for me. it was beautiful. I was so emotional. the fact that cwn can't say it no matter how much he feels it. like it's always been plain and clear just how much he loves mo ran. but he can't say the words yet and I just. the fact that mo ran gets it? that he doesn't need the words, just that squeeze of fingers, just what cwn is, at that moment, able to give him, and it doesn't mean less to him than words would? it hit home real hard

unless I think of something else, that’s about it! I can’t recommend 2ha enough, that said, I beg of you, heed the warnings. they are NOT overstated. and even if there were no warnings, take care anyways. the angst is serious, it haunts you. angst always makes me feel like my chest is being squeezed and that’s precisely the feeling I’m looking for when I choose to read angst. I have good tolerance to it, so despite not doing entirely well lately, I thought I was tough and went for it, but I’m a CLOWN. the way it’s written ruins you. this morning despite reading the hardest part of the angst on saturday evening, I still had some physical chest pain. so I recommend it with all my heart, but take care of yourselves. 2ha doesn’t fuck around.

#2ha #bee talks #i will probably tweak and add to this post over time because I probably forgot stuff #anyways I'm gonna go lie down and cry over ranwan as I think about my fic ideas #2ha review

[set-phasers-to-whump]

distractions

whumpee: kurt wallander

fandom: young wallander

this fic is for @mickeymckeown​ who said: “I would love to see a fic (Young Wallander, quelle surprise) in which Kurt doesn’t realise he’s been shot and is worrying about a comparatively minor injury to Reza. When they get to the hospital, he sits waiting for Reza to finish being seen by the doctor, and after he sees that Reza is fine, he collapses and the injury is revealed!” i hope i did your lovely prompt justice, and thanks for requesting!

Everything happens in a blur. One second Reza is about to cuff the suspect, and the next the suspect is pulling out a gun, swinging it wildly through the air and firing off shots that fly in every direction. 

Reza easily tackles him to the ground, and Kurt follows quickly behind him, his own gun drawn and pointing at the suspect lest he should try and shoot again. 

Reza and the suspect scuffle, the gun getting kicked away in the process as each of them lands a few solid hits. The fight is over fairly quickly, luckily, and ends with the suspect in cuffs on the ground. 

Reza stands up, wavering slightly on his feet. Kurt looks at him, alarmed and weirdly lightheaded for some reason. Not as lightheaded as Reza must be feeling, though, Kurt reflects, seeing a bloody gash on his best friend’s forehead, dripping blood down his face. 

“You’re-”

“Bleeding, yeah, I can tell,” Reza finishes for Kurt, reaching down and pulling the suspect unsteadily to his feet. Both of them stumble, nearly collapsing, and Kurt moves forward to place a hand on Reza’s arm and steady him. 

“I’m good,” Reza says, but Kurt can hear in his voice that he’s not entirely sure of that fact.  

“I’m going to call 112,” Kurt insists. 

Reza relents rather easily, which is slightly alarming, and a few minutes later an ambulance arrives. 

Kurt watches nervously as the paramedics perform a cursory examination of Reza. They don’t seem to find anything seriously wrong, but they do flag Kurt over and let him know that they’ll be taking Reza to the hospital anyway, just to be sure. He had evidently gotten hit in the head pretty hard, so they don’t want to take any chances. 

“I’m coming, too,” Kurt says decisively, and before anyone can stop him he’s climbing into the ambulance after Reza. 

“Kurt -”

“Let me,” Kurt insists. The ambulance had come along with a police car to take the suspect back to the police station, and their shift ends in half an hour. There’s no reason why he can’t go. 

“Fine,” Reza agrees, and the paramedics give their consent as well. Kurt nearly passes out in relief. 

The ride to the hospital is short and quiet. Kurt feels a little weird, for reasons completely unbeknownst to him. He’s fine. He hadn’t even touched the suspect. So why does he feel so weird?

He can’t figure it out, so instead he focuses on Reza, and on worrying about Reza. Though he’s pretty sure his best friend is going to be just fine, he can’t help worrying, especially since his head wound is still bleeding. Slowly, sure, and into a bit of gauze, but still. It’s a fairly large amount of blood, Kurt knows, because he can smell it in the air, nauseatingly metallic. It kind of makes him wish he hadn’t gotten in the ambulance after all. 

Before Kurt can do too much more thinking on the topic of the scent of blood, which surely is not going to lead him anywhere nice, they arrive at the hospital. Reza is taken back to an examination room, and Kurt sinks down into a chair in the waiting room, too nervous and suddenly too dizzy to read a magazine or check his phone (beyond calling Jas and letting her know, briefly, what had happened). He then rests his head back against the wall and waits for Reza to return. 

--

Reza walks back through the doors into the waiting room maybe fifteen minutes later with a small bandage on his forehead, looking completely fine. Kurt stands to meet him, closing his eyes against a brief surge of dizziness. He looks Reza over once it passes, scrutinizing him for any sign of injury that might’ve been missed. 

“I don’t even have a concussion, so you can quit looking so worried,” Reza says reassuringly, and Kurt collapses in relief.  

Oh. That’s...not relief, is it?

He falls to the ground fast, hears Reza’s footsteps approach quickly, and then loses everything in a blinding flash of pain as his shoulder makes contact with the hard floor. He thinks he might be screaming? Or maybe he’s crying. Maybe both. He really can’t tell. He clamps his eyes firmly shut as though he can close out the pain.

Voices are talking above him, now, frantic and worried, and he manages to focus on Reza’s enough to understand what he’s saying. 

“What happened?” Reza asks. 

“Dunno,” Kurt mutters, voice thick. “Sh’lder hurts.”

“Okay,” he hears Reza say, and then a hand touches his shoulder and the pain in it spikes and burns and he twists his body in a futile attempt to get away. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts hurts hurts...

“Holy fuck, Kurt,” is the next thing out of Reza’s mouth, which does not breed any kind of confidence in the situation. “You got shot?”

“I did?”

He definitely hadn’t noticed that. 

“Yes, you did, you idiot,” Reza says, as someone else lifts Kurt up and onto something, and someone else pulls his jacket and shirt away from his body with an unpleasant tugging sensation on his shoulder. 

“Don’ remember it,” Kurt insists. 

“Shock’s a hell of a thing,” Reza says. “Suppose me being there as a distraction didn’t help either.”

“Y’r...not a distraction,” Kurt says, feeling that this is a very important thing to say. 

Before he can say anything else, he hears a door open, and then feels something cover his nose and mouth, and he falls asleep just as Reza says something to him that he can’t quite hear. 

--

“Morning. Or...noon, really.”

Kurt opens his eyes, blinking away the feeling of a deep, heavy sleep. He looks around blearily until his eyes land on Reza. 

“How you feeling?” his best friend asks. 

“Good,” he says, automatically. 

“Really, Kurt? Because I remember you collapsing from blood loss in the fucking hospital waiting room because you hadn’t realized you’d been fucking shot.”

“‘Kay,” Kurt mutters. “Not good. Doesn’t hurt, though.”

“That’s the drugs,” Reza says. “I suppose it really hurts quite a lot under all of that.”

Kurt figures he’s probably right. “How’re you?” he asks, deciding that the conversation about him has reached a natural stopping point. 

“How am I?” Reza asks, disbelief evident in his voice. “You got fucking shot. How am I?”

“Yeah,” Kurt says, defensive. “You got hurt too. How are you?”

Reza softens a bit. “I’m fine, Kurt,” he says, his voice gentler now. “Don’t even have a concussion. No pain, nothing.”

“Good,” Kurt says, feeling his eyes start to slip closed again at the reassurance that Reza is really okay. He himself is okay, too, or at least alive and not in any terrible pain, which is good enough. 

He falls back asleep with a soft smile on his face.

thanks for reading this!!! hope you enjoyed :)

#young wallander #kurt wallander #shot #hidden injury #wound reveal #collapse #my writing #i say things #this was fun :) #also i am loving seeing people's response to the quiz i posted earlier its so lovely :)

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

aight aight, real shit; let's say you got the chance to rewrite the entirety of gossip girl exactly how you want. make a brief description of what would happen in each season. (you can decide whether there's a fourth season or not)

oh i LOVE this ask, and i am so flattered to be asked this, haha. i have SO many thoughts, i’ve been thinking about this non-stop, but i’ll try to be as brief as possible. also, disclaimer, i don’t remember all the seasons equally clearly. like i barely remember s2. haha, whoops.

season 1: i love this season as is, for the most part. i think the tone of it was actually very serious and involved? like the show was actively trying not to be frivolous with heavy topics, and the way we were getting to see the characters seemed like they were trying to bring out character depth and the complexities of their lives in very deliberate ways. nate’s whole thing with his parents gets so much focus, and it’s not something the show glorifies, it’s something that is meant to make you uncomfortable and worried for him. 

i would have nate be less of a dudebro, jenny & nate’s friendship being a little more solid, dan being a little more involved in jenny’s problems + helping her find her space, vanessa/nate to happen earlier - after nate breaks up w/ blair and realises she looks happier, i would have him not try and get back with her (lol, dude, the fact that she’s happy after breaking up with you means you probably shouldn’t be dating her.) more exploration of eric’s mental health. more dan and blair friendship. i would keep chair the way it is this season. i would not have a derena breakup - i’d have them take a break after the georgina reveal and get back together during the summer after talking about it and deciding to be more honest & open with each other. and, what the hell, i would have lily not blame serena (???) for being taken advantage of in the whole pete fairman situation. serena wasn’t sober, she was 16, that dude was in his 30s, georgina was taping her w/o her consent. how is any of this serena’s fault??? i hate lily’s reaction so much.

season 2: i... don’t remember enough of this season, sadly. it’s been too long since i watched it. i would majorly change jenny’s arc here, though. eleanor stealing her dress was majorly, majorly fucked up, and i think jenny should’ve done something then and there. also the whole thing with ‘lily is a mother to chuck’.... i would’ve loved it if lily had been like that to jenny. the girl needed it, and lily would’ve actually been able to help jenny establish connections in the professional world and whatnot. i think jenny should’ve transferred out of constance - not necessarily homeschooling maybe, but gone somewhere else. unlike dan, she didn’t even want to get into an ivy, she wanted to make it big as a designer. so. that. 

oh nate my love. i’d get this trainwreck of a boy some therapy. while i hate that the catherine thing happened, things like that do happen all the time, and i’d be interested in sort of handling the aftermath of it in a responsible way. i would not have... a lot of serena’s arc and decisions (from what i can remember) were really random in this season. i’d have her break up with dan at some point. and vanessa would need a new subject for her short film, and she’d choose serena.

nate doesn’t really date anyone, this season. but he and jenny open up to each other abt having gay crushes on people who treat you like shit - jenny’s thing with agnes - nate rescues her when they’re taking those pictures in her flat and let’s say she doesn’t go back to agnes. instead of kissing her, nate talks to her instead, and tells her about carter, tells her about chuck. and jenny talks about her feelings for blair, her feelings for agnes. and both of them sort of go... “it sucks, but all we can do is try not to become the kind of people we hate, right?”

dan pines for nate. majorly. massively. obviously. i think the only person who really notices is blair, and this would lead to new hijinks and shenanigans. also!! i do not want chair in s2. maybe it can go there for a bit but definitely not to the extent in canon. i want blair to have the same moment of being unable to deny her cruelty / needing to be accountable that she did in that ‘age of dissonance’ play. and. this sounds fucky but i want the dan/rachel stuff to stay as it is, and later, in s4, for dan & serena to talk about rachel & ben respectively and be like ‘hey, this was a fucked up thing to happen to us, wasn’t it?’ 

i would also like to get to know blair’s “minions” better as people. i mean. they all seemed hella fascinating to me, and the show’s decision to make them superficial and unidimensional was very depressing.

season 3: hot garbage, throw canon away. when chuck goes away to paris or wherever, let him not come back. goodbye, dude! dan, blair & vanessa friendship at nyu is so, so important to me. also im losing my mind always at how vanessa and serena catch dan on that walk of shame and they’re both like ‘college is a time for experimentation!’ and nobody does anything even slightly bisexual (unless you count that threesome later, which, blah.) a serenessa / date dynamic in college would’ve been great. dan transferring to columbia like blair does and rooming with nate and just, the gayness of it all. dan & blair become really, really close, and d&b&v watch movies + go to art exhibits together and are all SO DAMN PRETENTIOUS. serena finds it sexy, nate finds it terrifying. 

the william stuff would be interesting if he were actually held accountable. like that man has no right being a doctor, and medical malpractice needs to be brought up. and jenny’s whole arc this season makes me so sad. i think it would’ve been interesting if she’d been a ‘queen’ and ruled alongside eric, and just, the two of them forcing people to be nice, sort of like they try to do with people who are mean to nelly in s2 i think it is? but also.. jenny out of constance is very good, and i think i mentioned that earlier, haha, whoops.

season 4 : serenessa breakup, for whatever reason, probably to do with the william fuckery, because i think vanessa would react in similar ways to nate (”serena, i know he’s your dad, but we have to do the right thing” / “it still wasn’t your call to make” / “he’s a certified doctor, serena, a man like that has no right -” / “god vanessa, you really don’t get it, do you?” ). uhhh i would actually... if i had to choose i would honestly go blairnessa >>>>> dair. i love how blair & vanessa can keep each other on their toes and hold each other accountable. like? blair’s classist or racist and dan’s just like, *smiles*. vanessa would actively be like ‘hey, stop that.’ (this is one of the few actual criticisms i have about d/b as a relationship, RIP.) 

(edited to add: yeah, i think blairnessa WOULD be a sustainable relationship, more abt that here! )

yes to the milo arc, but dan gets to keep milo (his friends threaten georgina and go all ‘you made him sign the certificate. don’t make us take you to court’ because i love these morally grey assholes but also because g DID trick dan into thinking milo was his and dan was ready to reshape his whole life around that kid which is more than georgina was willing to do. plus endgame: jack/georgina are not parents i want milo to have.) i would also have more of a rufus & dan fallout over the milo thing. i think rufus would be really nasty about it all tbh.

the dair arc for blair and vanessa! let the juliet stuff happen, but let it be less awful + let it be seen as Bad + let serena get help & not forgive her for it. let serena NOT date ben after, what the hell. i want d&s to talk about their shared feelings for high school teachers and to realise, in retrospect, as adults, that what happened was crossing lines. let blair and vanessa suddenly drop dan and do the movies + galleries stuff on their own. and dan’s like ??? but he’s busy being a parent with nate supporting him. dan’s drama is very much parenting things. there would be some nonsense involving nate’s family pushing back, because ‘we stood by while you dated him, nate, we thought it was a phase. but raising a child with another man? this is unacceptable.’ i would like nate to get disowned by the family, and need to find his own feet. and to get a REAL SHOT AT HAPPINESS away from that terrible environment.

season 5: i want this to be a good serena season. let her find her calling doing creative things. let her and carter travel the world. let her just be whoever she wants to be. let her and vanessa patch their friendship up. let her have an open relationship with carter, let her have a lot of sex with a lot of random people and not feel guilty about it. let her really really blossom. i want more eric! maybe he’s in london with jenny, and she’s working on her fashion stuff, and he’s realising that he really wants to be a counsellor. 

some time-skips, maybe. i really want to see dan’s whole thing of being a parent. sending milo to kindergarten and spending the whole time milo’s gone on edge and anxious about everything that could go wrong, while nate comforts him. let nate try to get a job because he no longer has a trust fund, and navigate everything that comes with that. let vanessa be there for him. why the fuck am i phrasing my sentences like this - can you tell that i studied physics once?? oh well.

blair & vanessa handling a lot of things. vanessa meeting harold!! vanessa’s parents being disapproving of blair, but ruby standing up for her. blair & vanessa planning their future properly. blair & vanessa babysitting milo and talking about kids. 

and there can be drama too, there should always be drama. but i would like wholesome stuff at the centre of it too, you know? the ivy/lola nonsense can go on in the background, i don’t actually care that much. as long as ivy doesn’t go around fucking people’s fathers for no understandable or discernable reason, i don’t really care lkdhlfdkhg. (it was just so inexplicable and so random!)

season 6: uh, i don’t know. this was a bad season for everyone in canon, except chuck. i would throw it all away. i would actually love if we had pre-series rufly instead: every time those two bring up their past together i’m like 👀 because it sounds like a dream. or focus entirely on jenny and eric and their life. i am obsessed with jenny and eric being... sort of queerplatonic, sort of like, best friends. there’s no romance and no sex between them (eric’s canonically gay, and jenny’s a lesbian because i said so) but i think the way jenny and eric are is very, very life partners in a way that isn’t romantic OR sexual. so they’d have a little place together and would support each other. and just. what are they up to now? also. kati, iz, penelope, hazel, nelly... what r they doing now? one of the few things i actually liked about s6 as it was was that nelly was that reporter and that she’d found her people in yale. nelly yuki getting a happy and fulfilling ending and being a successful woman was so good and we actually got a little bit of that. i’d like more of that, for the rest of the girls, you know?

#anon #long post #this is almost 1.9k words long but it was fun to write LDKHLGKHFGKH #gossip girl #i know there's no dair i am so sorry about that #but honestly the way this was panning out i had to like #choose between dair & blairnessa #RIP #meta #?? #prompt #my writing #??? #gg rewrite

[slidewhistlebj]

TUA Season 2 is finally here! I think it was a really cool season with some really awesome potential, but there are some parts that I think really didn’t work and this is how i think they should have been fixed

(Spoilers for Season 2 of the Umbrella Academy. Obviously)

i think landing the siblings in different years was amazing, they got time to explore themselves and we could see their personalities through what they did

On the other hand, they didnt devote enough time to those storylines so it never felt like they had a solid purpose (for most of the siblings), it was more to show “time has passed”

How did Luther end up boxing under a gangster? How is he adjusting to no dad, no academy?? He was alone on the moon, He was left behind by his siblings in the academy, now he is alone and in a whole other *time* like i wanna hear about that!

Klaus has mansion and a cult and had a girlfriend benefactor lady?? Like: lets get into that! if the show wants humor that can be amazing

but it can also be really interesting and deep for exploring klaus’s need for both personal space (physically and somewhat emotionally) yet also his need for positive attention from whoever will give it to him!

More on that alone now track: the opening scene with their fighting was built to get us hyped

it fucking worked, that shit was amazing

but along with wishing that we saw more of their individual stories, i wish some of their growth had been gradual

like Klaus should have been showing off ghost stuff with his cult which is part of why they follow him which would set up his new ability to summon and conjure multiple ghosts at a time

instead of it being a throw away scene at the end where he gets caught

or Diego could have been shown in his ‘alone in dallas’ storyline to be trying to escape multiple times from the asylum and in that, figuring out his ability to start affecting other peoples shots at him, etc

Stuff like that would have been a great way to both dive into the characters *and* ramp up their abilities

Moving onto The Commission who i absolutely love so so much 

Hell yeah u funky lil time-space assassins

I think that the Handler should have stayed dead

her return to the show while awesome (because she is played so well by her actress) continues this problem for the show of seemingly running in place where things dont have consequences like they should

I also think her return made a very campy feel to certain parts which is fine, the story should have fun! but it doesnt fit with the vibe very well with the other more serious plots

Imagine a storyline where the Handler is replaced by Carmichael, a competent replacement with no close personal relationship to Five

A head to head show down throughout the season of Five trying to outthink and outwit Carmichael and Commission Agents to get a briefcase 

The misdirects! 

The drama! 

The action sequences and reveals!

More Screen Time for the Cool Ass Talking Fish 2k20!

All of which culminates in the board of directors scene but now with real weight behind it for the audience because we have been watching these two face off with one another for a season of build up

LET FIVE EAT THE FISH!

Giving that scene to the handler was the worst part of the whole season, u cant change my mind bros

This would also open up Lila to be more of her own person

Her storyline would change without the Handler there so that instead of being actively manipulated by the Handler, she has gone rogue from the commission to kill Five for her parents deaths due to previous planning and programming from her mother

(its only been 14 days for Five, a very normal turn around for him to desert, have the Handler tell Lila her version of the story, get killed, and have Lila get ready to take him down)

its generally the same plot, but Lila is more in the drivers seat

Going from tagging along with Diego in the hopes that Five returns for him to questioning some of her commitment to her mission as she spending time with them, etc

it could culminate in a reveal of her mother to Five and Diego and then a redemption where she helps them get a case from Carmichael in someway, looping her into the main plot in an important way with generally the same story

but skipping the pretty basic “obviously evil character is obviously evil but hero doesn't see it” trope that they fell into

I think that Luther’s arc in this season was awesome 10/10 gold standard

he was still him, but this storyline showcases the softer side of his loyalty and lets him grow from season 1 mistakes which is everything I hoped for

Comforting Vanya? Check

Being there for Five? Check

Being a voice of reason but still being a dumbass? Cheeeeeck

Diegos arc this season fell flat for me which was hard because he was such a main part of the plot 

This whole season had a build-up trying to break down Diego’s need to be a hero (which they turned to a fucking 11 from last season?? he was not *this* intense last season, im not quite sure why they made the switch), telling him that he isnt / cant be the hero

I assumed this was leading to Diego having a big moment or sacrifice that proved that hero or not, he cares and the effort that he puts into all of these different things matters

But it just didnt??

He didnt stop the president from being assassinated, he didnt save vanya, at the farm he got trapped under a tractor

it just felt like the point was “haha see he isnt a hero”

which,,,,,,okay? What the point of that??

His involvement with the Commision was weird too, i didnt care for him being a part of that storyline very much, it just didnt add anything

Allison’s arc was just on the edge of greatness for me

it was an awesome choice to put in her in a position where she wasnt treated equally and show exactly what kind of person she is by how she fights back

her not using her rumors also seems very genuine and character based here like: 10/10 character motivations and work

My one complaint, like with just about all the partners in this season, is that she fell in love with a man and just had to leave him 

which makes sense and they talk about it but like: she loves him, its hard to picture someone as loving and loyal as Allison just leaving her husband behind forever 

Klaus’s arc just needed more *time*

He is a hella deep character but all of his story lines needed more time to be able to address that complexity 

Show us more of the cult and his ghost powers being used there to trick and amaze and how he has been handling being cut off from the family again

I,,,,,,I understand,,,dave’s storyline

I get the time period

but fuck

that just hurts

I think Klaus not trying to rekindle his relationship with a younger Dave, but trying to protect him from the war was an amazing angle and it needed more time to get the full punch of klaus pulling out all the stops to save him but failing to really land it

Five

My Son

My Trash Boy

I feel like his job as ‘leader of the stop the apocalypse’ movement is good but that was his whole story this time around

He should have gotten more to play off of with the Commission (*cough cough* Carmichael) in his fight to get a briefcase instead of what felt like 10 hours of Five trying to herd his siblings and them just fucking up in someway or another

Five and Older Five was a cool dynamic and im glad they brought him in but again, it just felt like another long storyline attempt that didnt have a purpose as they ended the scene without the case or anything new

Ben’s arc was,,,,,strange

I love Ben and i think his interplay with Klaus is really cool!

But the writers made him fall in love which someone so they could give him a reason to want to possess Klaus which i feel like didnt need to happen

The possession was a good part of the season and could have been taken to some awesome places

It was rough and the ‘consent’ wasnt run entirely well but i think the possession is supposed to be on the line and not quite black and white 

its Ben asking to take control of Klaus! That can be conflict! Thats good stuff right there! Ben is selfish! so is Klaus! thats a cool story to get into between them and see how they try to work it out

Ben wanting to connect with his other siblings after the small taste of being corporeal that he got and pushing Klaus for more and more of that freedom into possession territory would be A+ shit

and Finally: Vanya!

I think most amnesia plots are lazy and just a way to stall progress and reset a character so you can run a very similar plot again but this one seemed to genuinely grow Vanya’s character, even when she remembered 

She definitely has more personality in this season

And while shes quiet, thats just who she is, she isnt as afraid to take space and speak up which is awesome!

And this stays when she gets her memory back which is very good, i dont want to see backsliding for no reason! Give me growth!

I have two complaints about her storyline though

 First Sissy and Harlan

I love both of them and I think they are really cool characters!

Theyre pretty similar to vanya season 1, taking whatever is thrown at them which places Vanya in a more assertive position where she wants to protect them which i loved!

but their ending doesn't sit entirely right with me, just like Raymonds

These characters are in love and they all just leave each other so that the siblings can have a clean, no characters permanently added slate for the next season

it just makes me tired and i really want season 3 to have little to no romance if the only way the show can go about it is to do a love interest per season

My second problem gets its own section because it is the culmination of everything else i have said 

episode ten

Vanya is strong af so any writer that wants big final fight needs to very carefully weigh out how to give each sibling their appropriately sized struggle so they get equal ability to contribute

Instead of doing that though, they did my least favorite trope: Evil Character secretly can do everything the heros can but better and without a problem or ***training***

It meant that they could do whatever they wanted with throwing commission agents at them because Luther, Allison, and Klaus were completely added on just to react to things

Five sort of got to do some fighting (<3 thats my lil geriatric 13 year old) but it was minor, he was mainly there to very obviously turn back time when the big bad shoot out happened

Diego got the most to do out of the siblings and it was suddenly knowing a new ability and doing it a little bit

I dont want a final fight to be trying to woo a bad guy to the good side because theyre too strong to fight 

I want there to be stakes and drama as the siblings show off exactly what the season was all about, what they learned, how they grew together and apart, etc and to take down the big bad which could have very easily been the united front of the Commission instead of 18% Vanya, 15% Harlan, 30% Lila and the Handler, 20% the Swede(s), etc

Lila’s turn to good could have been to help them sneak attack the commission, maybe in their base so as to shrink the fighting to manageable bites for each character?

That would have allowed five’s killing of the board to draw the fighting to a close, a hard decision for him as he is trying to move away from killing but does so to save his family, always to save his family :’( 

Luther could protect his siblings from hits like they showed at the beginning in a way that mirrors how he has been doing that emotionally all season

etc etc etc for all of the siblings so that they each get to show off and have their moment in the spotlight as heros

I loved the season even though i just ranted for like 3 pages, and it has some of the best one liners and line readings ever (”Thats where you come in Five” “Nope. No it isnt”) I just wish that some parts of it had been given some more thought / care so they could really show of the amazing cast, effects, sets, etc without writing in the way

#tua #tua season 2 #tua2 #spoilers #five hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #luther hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #ben hargreeves #tua lila #the handler #carmichael #rant #rewrite #i just love them #i want them all to be happy #and if they cant be happy #i at least want the angst to be well written

[mortallydeliciouschaos]

So I've been getting into BL's a lot lately... And I just kinda need to rant a bit so if you don't wanna read it u don't have to but it's nice to write it down

I just wanna say, I'm not going to stop watching BL's cuz even if they have a bad part or something like that, there is still also a lot of good shit so yeah

ALSO THIS CONTAINS A SHIT TON OF SPOILERS OF ALL THE BL'S I'VE WATCHED SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION

(BL'S MENTIONED: HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count, TharnType, WHYRU?, 2fether the series, My Engineer, YYY the series, en of love: tossara, love by chance & dark blue kiss)

First of I'd like to say fuck you to the last ep of the show I just watched (HIStory: Make Our Days Count). Fuck you for letting us believe that they finally got what they had been fighting so fucking hard for since episode 2 only to rip it our of our hands with the last episode by killing of 1 of the main characters. Killing him wasn't even that good for the storyline, before the show had such moving messages and now it just had 'life sucks and everyone you love dies'.

Because of this I will be ignoring the last episode and they will have had the happy ending they deserve in my mind.

Then I'd like to ask you to stop torturing and killing our fucking LGBTQIA+ REP. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A SOLID NON TOXIC GAY RELATIONSHIP IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN BL'S?! Well, really fucking hard. Every gay in non-bl shows either gets killed, their partner gets killed or they end up in a weird and not really ok relationship with the partner.

The show I just talked about: killed one off, do I really need to say more

TharnType: Type was molested as a child and Tharn befriended a psychopath who is the cause of all of his heartbreaks. And Type needs to break Tharn's heart to save him from said psychopath and the whole experience def leaves them with PTSD. Also said psychopath set up Tharn's previous boyfriend (the one before Type) up to be gang raped by 3 older men, filmed this all, made it look consensual due to drugging the boy and then using the film to blackmail said boy into breaking up with Tharn and into helping said psychopath drive Tharn and Type apart. Resulting in a heartbreak that shook Tharn to the core and I think the whole ass fucking fandom can argue it might have made him suicidal if he didn't find out why Type broke up with him.

WHYRU?: The whole Fighter thing I have talked about before which was fully out of character and we never got him apologizing to Tutor for basically asulting him and almost raping him. Also, Fighter stands up to his homophobic dad once and suddenly his dad does a full 180 and supports his son's relationship, cute try but no, not how it works.

My Engineer: my fluffy boys Ram and King are hopefully, since the show has 3 more eps left, in good hands. But as soon as Duen and Bohn got the labels bf/bf the writers just kinda pushed them to the side. Resulting in Duen being a boyfriend that pulls away from everything and seems to be more into a friendship than a relationship, and into a Bohn that can't take a no and let's his emotions have the best of him. Mostly anger and jealousy. Writers please take care of my sons will you, damn it.

Love By Chance: I hope to dear god that season 2 is better than season 1 because season 1 had a shit ton of flakey or just no consent. AND. CONSENT. IS. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. UNDERSTAND. THAT. PLS. But, besides the small consent issue it's a great show. Too bad that one of the characters has to be blackmailed by a duck who wants to out him to his mom. Let's all sign a petition to put Trump down. Yes, Trump like president Trump, just not the same person. ~only the same dick personality~

Dark Blue Kiss: I love this show and the Kao/Pete pairing but I'd like Non to just fuck off. Although he did make the story line so I guess he was needed, which is the only reason I tolerate him. Still want to stab him, and want more domestic and cute Kao/Pete

En of love: tossara and 2gether the series: are one of the only shows that haven't mayorly fucked up. Although 2gether could have used some more romantic scenes/kisses in the end but eh.

YYY:The Series: only has 3 eps yet and I can't decide if the story line will fuck me over or not. What I do know is that it's full of meme references and that the writers definitely did drugs, makes it all the more gold tho

So in conclusion. I want western TV to stop queer baring me. And I want all of the TV to stop killing and torturing the characters, unless it's plot driven. Such as in DBK and TT. Although TT should chill...

#tharntype #my engineer the series #my engineer spoilers #2gether the series #why r u the series #why r u #dark blue kiss #yyy the series #love by chance #en of love #en of love tossara #history 3: modc #history 3: make our days count #history 3 spoilers #i just finished history 3: make our days count and I am not okay #i will be ignoring the last episode #and I will be crying myself to sleep #if anyone has any good fluffy fanfics to heal my heart please send them #doesn't even have to be history 3: make our days count #just something fluffy #pls

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why does january always feel like it’s 3 months long. anyway here’s what i read in january, feat. poison experts with ocd, ants in your brain, old bolsheviks getting purged, and mountweazels. 

city of lies, sam hawke (poison wars #1) this is a perfectly nice fantasy novel about jovan, who serves as essentially a secret guard against poisoning for his city state’s heir and is forced to step up when his uncle (also a secret poison guard) and the ruler are both killed by an unknown poison AND also the city is suddenly under a very creepy siege (are these events related? who knows!) this is all very fine & entertaining & there are some fun ideas, but also... the main character has ocd and SAME HAT SAME HAT. also like the idea of having a very important, secret and potentially fatal job that requires you to painstakingly test everything the ruler/heir is consuming WHILE HAVING OCD is like... such a deliciously sadistic concept. amazing. 3/5

my heart hemmed in, marie ndiaye (translated from french by jordan stump) a strange horror-ish tale in which two married teachers, bastions of upper-middle-class respectability and taste, suddenly find themselves utterly despised by everyone around them, escalating until the husband is seriously injured. through several very unexpected twists, it becomes clear that the couple’s own contempt for anyone not fitting into their world and especially nadia’s hostility and shame about her (implied to be northern african) ancestry is the reason for their pariah status. disturbing, surprising, FUCKED UP IF TRUE (looking back, i no longer really know what i mean by that). 4/5

xenogenesis trilogy (dawn/adulthood rites/imago), octavia e. butler octavia butler is incapable of writing anything uninteresting and while i don’t always completely vibe with her stuff, it’s always fascinating & thought-provoking. this series combines some of her favourite topics (genetic manipulation, alien/human reproduction, what is humanity) into a tale of an alien species, the oankali, saving some human survivors from the apocalypse and beginning a gene-trading project with them, integrating them into their reproductive system and creating mixed/’construct’ generations with traits from both species. and like, to me, this was uncomfortably into the biology = destiny thing & didn’t really question the oankali assertion that humans were genetically doomed to hierarchical behaviour & aggression (& also weirdly straight for a book about an alien species with 3 genders that engages in 5-partner-reproduction with humans), so that angle fell flat for me for the most part, altho i suppose i do agree that embracing change, even change that comes at a cost, is better than clinging to an unsustainable (& potentially destructive) purity. where i think the series is most interesting is in its exploration of consent and in how far consent is possible in extremely one-sided power dynamics (curiously, while the oankali condemn and seem to lack the human drive for hierarchy, they find it very easy to abuse their position of power & violate boundaries & never question the morality of this. in this, the first book, focusing on a human survivor first encountering the oankali and learning of their project, is the most interesting, as lilith as a human most explicitly struggles with her position - would her consent be meaningful? can she even consent when there is a kind of biochemical dependence between humans and their alien mates? the other two books, told from the perspectives of lilith’s constructed/mixed children, continue discussing themes of consent, autonomy and power dynamics, but i found them less interesting the further they moved from human perspectives. on the whole: 2.5/5

love & other thought experiments, sophie ward man, we love a pierre menard reference. anyway. this is a novel in stories, each based (loosely) on a thought experiment, about (loosely) a lesbian couple and their son arthur, illness and grief, parenthood, love, consciousness and perception, alternative universes, and having an ant in your brain. it is thoroughly delightful & clever, but goes for warmth and humanity (or ant-ity) over intellectual games (surprising given that it is all about thought experiments - but while they are a nice structuring device i don’t think they add all that much). i haven’t entirely worked out my feelings about the ending and it’s hard to discuss anyway given the twists and turns this takes, but it's a whole lot of fun. 4/5

a general theory of oblivion, josé eduardo agualusa (tr. from portuguese by daniel hahn) interesting little novel(la) set in angola during and after the struggle for independence, in which a portuguese woman, ludo, with extreme agoraphobia walls herself into her apartment to avoid the violence and chaos (but also just... bc she has agoraphobia) with a involving a bunch of much more active characters and how they are connected to her to various degrees. i didn’t like the sideplot quite as much as ludo’s isolation in her walled-in flat with her dog, catching pigeons on the balcony and writing on the walls. 3/5

cassandra at the wedding, dorothy baker phd student cassandra returns home attend (sabotage) her twin sister judith’s wedding to a young doctor whose name she refuses to remember, believing that her sister secretly wants out. cass is a mess, and as a shift to judith’s perspective reveals, definitely wrong about what judith wants and maybe a little delusional, but also a ridiculously compelling narrator, the brilliant but troubled contrast to judith’s safer conventionality. on the whole, cassandra’s narrative voice is the strongest feature of a book i otherwise found a bit slow & a bit heavy on the quirky family. fav line is when cass, post-character-development, plans to “take a quick look at [her] dumb thesis and see if it might lead to something less smooth and more revolting, or at least satisfying more than the requirements of the University”. 3/5

the office of historical corrections, danielle evans a very solid collection of realist short stories (+ the titular novella), mainly dealing with racism, (black) womanhood, relationships between women, and anticolonial/antiracist historiography. while i thought all the stories were well-done and none stood out as weak or an unnecessary inclusion, there also weren’t any that really stood out to me. 3/5

sonnenfinsternis, arthur koestler (english title: darkness at noon) (audio) you know what’s cool about this book? when i added it to my goodreads tbr in 2012, i would have had to read it in translation as the german original was lost during koestler’s escape from the nazis, but since then, the original has been rediscovered and republished. yet another proof that leaving books on your tbr for ages is a good thing actually. anyway. this is a story about the stalinist purges, told thru old bolshevik rubashov, who, after serving the Party loyally for years & doing his fair share of selling people out for the Party, is arrested for ~oppositional activities. in jail and during his interrogations, rubashov reflects on the course the Party has taken and his own part (and guilt) in that, and the way totalitarianism has eaten up and poisoned even the most commendable ideals the Party once held (and still holds?), the course of history and at what point the end no longer justifies the means. it’s brilliant, rubashov is brilliant and despicable, i’m very happy it was rediscovered. 5/5

heads of the colored people, nafissa thompson-spires another really solid short story collection, also focused on the experiences of black people in america (particularly the black upper-middle class), black womanhood and black relationships, altho with a somewhat more satirical tone than danielle evans’s collection. standouts for me were the story in letters between the mothers of the only black girls at a private school, a story about a family of fruitarians, and a story about a girl who fetishises her disabled boyfriend(s). 3.5/5

pedro páramo, juan rulfo (gernan transl. by dagmar ploetz) mexican classic about a rich and abusive landowner (the titular pedro paramo) and the ghost town he leaves behind - quite literally, as, when his son tries to find his father, the town is full of people, quite ready to talk shit about pedro, but they are all dead. it’s an interesting setting with occasionally vivid writing, but the skips in time and character were kind of confusing and i lost my place a lot. i’d be interested in reading rulfo’s other major work, el llano en llamas. 2.5/5

verse für zeitgenossen, mascha kaléko short collection of the poems kaléko, a jewish german poet, wrote while in exile in the united states in the 30-40s, as well as some poems written after the end of ww2. kaléko’s voice is witty, but at turns also melancholy or satirical. as expected i preferred the pieces that directly addressed the experience of exile (”sozusagen ein mailied” is one of my favourite exillyrik pieces). 3/5

the harpy, megan hunter yeah this was boooooooring. the cover is really cool & the premise sounded intriguing (women gets cheated on, makes deal with husband that she is allowed to hurt him three times in revenge, women is also obsessed with harpies: female revenge & female monsters is my jam) but it’s literally so dull & trying so hard to be deep. 1.5/5

the liar’s dictionary, eley williams this is such a delightful book, from the design (those marbled endpapers? yes) to the preface (all about what a dictionary is/could be), to the chapter headings (A-Z words, mostly relating to lies, dishonesty, etc in some way or another, containing at least one fictitious entry), to the dual plots (intern at new edition of a dictionary in contemporary england checking the incomplete old dictionary for mountweazels vs 1899 london with the guy putting the mountweazels in), to williams’s clear joy about words and playing with them. there were so many lines that made me think about how to translate them, which is always a fun exercise. 3.5/5

catherine the great & the small, olja knežević (tr. from montenegrin by ellen elias-bursać, paula gordon) coming-of-age-ish novel about katarina from montenegro, who grows up in  titograd/podgorica and belgrad in the 70s/80s, eventually moving to london as an adult. to be honest while there are some interesting aspects in how this portrays yugoslavia and conflicts between the different parts of yugoslavia, i mostly found this a pretty sloggy slog of misery without much to emotionally connect to, which is sad bc i was p excited for it :(. 2/5

the decameron project: 29 new stories from the pandemic, anthology a collection of short stories written during covid lockdown (and mostly about covid/lockdown in some way). they got a bunch of cool authors, including margaret atwood, edwidge danticat, rachel kushner ... it’s an interesting project and the stories are mostly pretty good, but there wasn’t one that really stood out to me as amazing. i also kinda wish more of the stories had diverged more from covid/lockdown thematically bc it got a lil repetitive tbh. 2/5

#the books i read #long post #sonnenfinsternis is so good the audiobook nearly made me cry in the supermarket

[phoenixyfriend]

For Karin's backstory, do you usually go for anime one? I prefer datebook backstory, even though it's not detailed. Because manga showed one panel of Karin being experimented on with her arms showing bite marks. So I always believed that healing bites ability is result of Oro experiments. It makes more sense to me. Also, I am uncomfortable of anime backstory. And grass village confuses me. Didn't they still exist after the fourth war? I guess in fic, we could just say it no longer exists.

I love this question.

Okay, so the short version is that I usually do a mix of the two. I’m going to do a quick rundown on the differences between the two backstories for anyone who isn’t familiar. This means we’ll be touching on some very questionable subjects, because the anime went to some very concerning lengths. It’s going to be under a cut, because... yeah. Long.

The only solid canon, as in from the manga, that we have for pre-Orochimaru Karin is the Chuunin Exams flashback, wherein she is in a Kusa (Grass) headband, and is saved from a bear by Sasuke, which kicks off her crush on him.

The first backstory we received from Karin was in the databooks; this backstory came out prior to the Exams flashback in the manga. It stated that Karin was living in an unspecified village, sensed an army coming to destroy it, and tried to warn the rest of the town. Nobody believed her, so she ran to hide (I think in some nearby foothills/forest?), and everyone else was killed. Orochimaru then came by, tried to recruit her, and then let Sasuke convince her. Sasuke didn’t really have to do much beyond saying he was Oro’s student in order to get Karin to come along.

Now, given that Kusagakure still exists post-timeskip, at least in the Blood Prison movie, the village that was destroyed wasn’t Kusa. Either Karin was in a different village, or Karin’s backstory doesn’t include the village destruction element. I tend to go with ‘a different village,’ but I’ll get to that later.

The anime gives us a different backstory, one that takes Karin’s Kusa headband from the Exams as fact.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: Karin’s backstory is not presented as a backstory, but rather an alternate timeline from her Eternal Tsukuyomi dream. I don’t know what the animators were thinking, deciding to use this hell as her dream of a ‘perfect world,’ but at this point the dream is treated as her default anime background so like??? Sure. Sure. We’ll use it, but we’ll also judge Studio Pierrot for it, because there’s “I don’t like this character” and then there’s “I’m going to have this character’s dream of a perfect world include over a decade of violating her health and bodily autonomy on a level of systemic abuse that is truly horrific, edging on fucking csa” because fuck you I guess? I’m still mad. I’d have been okay with the backstory as backstory because it fits her personality, but why the hell was it presented as her Eternal Tsukuyomi dream???

Listen LISTEN Eternal Tsukuyomi is supposed to be a perfect world for each individual You DREAM WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPIEST and they gave her a decade of physical and medical abuse, bordering on extended csa, only to die at sixteen because they'd 'used her up.’ like???

When I say SP had a grudge against Karin...

Anyway. Anime backstory:

Karin’s mother (unnamed) came to Kusagakure following the destruction of Uzushiogakure, and was granted refugee status in exchange for working at the hospital, having a similar ‘bite me and you’ll heal’ power as Karin does in canon. We don’t know who Karin’s father was; he may have been a Kusa citizen, or an Uzushio man who died prior to Karin’s mother’s arrival in Kusa.

Karin’s mother dies at some point during Karin’s childhood, having been used as a chakra healing battery to the point of dying of chakra exhaustion. At this point in the anime, Kusa orders that Karin must take over her mother’s duties as a healer, because such a technique is too useful to just leave alone. The bites start out on her forearms, eventually going all over her body, including areas that, despite the intent not being sexual in nature, do qualify as child sexual abuse.

She is bitten on the chest and thighs, by people she barely knows, with minimal consent on her part. She is a minor. This is csa and I hate that people forget this, or choose to exclude it to more easily vilify her.*

(Manga canon also has her with bites on her chest, at sixteen, most of which we can assume are not Sasuke since he seems to not know that biting her chest is provides better healing when she tells him to do it. Again: underage, coercion, chest bites, violation of bodily autonomy. It’s long-term csa in every canon. It may not be explicitly stated, but this is the most explicitly shown example canon has of this particular kind of trauma.)

Now, again, this is her Eternal Tsukuyomi (for some fucking reason), and not her technical backstory, and in that context she just... never gets out. She keeps getting used and abused, the bites eventually even covering her face, and then she dies before hitting twenty.

...so how do we reconcile this?

Elements we have:

Kusagakure headband during the Chuunin Exams (manga canon)

Saved by Sasuke, causing her crush; implies she was very poorly treated by the people around her prior to their meeting (manga canon)

No visible bite marks on her arms during the Chuunin Exams, but with the caveat that the marks are also not visible during Boruto, so it’s possible that Kishi, and in turn SP, just didn’t feel like drawing the scars. (manga canon)

Karin’s healing abilities were present at some point prior to Sasuke recruiting her to hunt down Itachi, but it’s unclear if it is a Kekkei Genkai or something nurtured by Otogakure. (manga canon)

Kabuto’s abilities during the Fourth War include Karin’s ‘rejuvenation’ and ‘life force,’ which implies that it may be a Kekkei Genkai but leaves it frustratingly ambiguous.

Experienced a village destruction, followed by Orochimaru taking her on, due to a Cassandra Truth incident, using Sasuke to convince her to join Oto (databook)

Her mother came to Kusa at some point post-Uzushio destruction; iirc Uzushio fell when Kushina was a teenager, so Karin’s mother either spent a decade or so wandering around prior to deciding Kusa was better than nothing (possibly when she got pregnant), or lived in Kusa for a period of time prior to becoming pregnant. (anime)

Karin was forced, via coercion, to use her healing abilities while in Kusagakure following her mother’s death (anime)

Kusa still exists post-timeskip (anime)

Here’s what I usually go with:

I do think Karin was a Kusa genin. The databook and anime both state that she joined Orochimaru after Sasuke, so she’d have no reason to wear the headband during the Exams other than actually being a genin of Kusagakure.

I err towards the biting being a Kekkei Genkai, which means that it fits with the anime’s suggestion of Kusagakure having used her as a chakra healing battery prior to her arrival in Oto. THIS IS OPTIONAL in other people’s readings, because it’s not manga canon and it’s obviously an incredibly hard subject to work with.

So, Kusa kid, dead mom, chakra healing battery, genin at the Chuunin Exams, then... Otogakure. In order to work in the databook’s element of the destroyed village, we either have to wipe Kusa off the map, or it’s another village.

I’ve generally gone with stating that Karin was on a long-term mission as a healer in a larger civilian village, or possibly the country’s capitol (though that’s less likely). Kusa was obviously willing to send her away temporarily, as with the Exams, so if the price was right, they’d probably send her out on out-of-village missions as well. Would she have a team? Maybe.

Given her poor treatment in this scenario, and the implied distrust/abuse of refugees in the anime, it’s possible that any teammates she had either didn’t trust her as a person, or didn’t think her skills were as good as she claimed. Possibly they assumed that they’d be able to fight off a smaller attacking force, and that Karin was exaggerating or mistaken when insisting that they evacuate. In any case, whoever was with her, if anyone was, also died in this attack.

The army was very likely sent by Orochimaru, and it’s plausible that Karin was actually the main target. I imagine that a spy would have gotten word to Oro about a redhead with extreme healing abilities, and Orochimaru going “Gotta catch ‘em all, Ooh! An Uzumaki!” and deciding that the healing abilities played well enough into the immortality plan to be worth sending an army (and then going in person, with Sasuke) for.

Given how canon played out, she was worth it.

------------------

* Okay the reason I harp on the CSA thing in particular: there was a significant period of time where two headcanons were prevalent: that Sasuke was sexually abused by Orochimaru in his time as Oro’s student, and that Karin was a wannabe rapist.

The Sasuke thing was based on a manga cover and one of the anime openings, but had no actual textual basis beyond Orochimaru being a queercoded villain, which is a whole different problem. The Karin thing was based on a fan’s mistranslation of a single panel, along with later arguments failing to take slang into account and often had by people who don’t actually speak Japanese.

Ultimately, I’m furious that a large portion of the fandom painted a canon CSA victim as a wannabe rapist while pushing that same backstory element onto a different character which they often put as her hypothetical victim, oftentimes just to get her out of the way for shipping purposes. This is a long-standing grudge.

#Uzumaki Karin #Karin Uzumaki #Karin #Naruto #Team Taka #Phoenix Posts #character analysis #text analysis #screen analysis #csa mention #coercion mention #medical abuse tw #physical abuse tw #violation of bodily autonomy #child death mention #systemic abuse #Anonymous

[moiraineswife]

Caleb’s Episode 49 Confession Meta

Time for some things that are probably obvious af but they’re Sad and Angsty so I’m going to through them in a meta piece. Because I like to meta about Sad Things and that’s just Caleb through-and-through. So we’re going to talk about Caleb’s episode 49 confession and a few things we can derive from what was said.

I think his comments about Trent were quite telling, both about his behaviour presently, and also about how he thinks about/feels about Trent.

“He believed that the unwashed masses relied on their base instincts and the highest calling was to rise above the muck and control the cattle for the good of all.”

This quote says a lot about why, when he’s trying to hide desperately from Trent, he covers himself in dirt, and mud. Perhaps taking that too literally, but he never thinks that Trent will look for him, or notice him if he’s just one of the ‘cattle’.

When he sees the two elves from the Assembly in Felderwind, the first thing he does is, not just rub dirt on himself, he full on faceplants into the ground and rubs dirt all over himself as an instinctual response. It’s like Nott’s porcelain mask, it gives him comfort, it helps him hide, it makes him feel safe and invisible. Which is exactly what Caleb wants to be.

He’s been special. He’s been singled out. He’s been the top of the class, the one everyone’s watching, and pushing, and believing in him and it nearly destroyed him. Now he wants to be no-one. He wants to be nothing, not least because that’s about how he views himself self-esteem wise. But that’s safe. Being noticed isn’t. He put his hood up in the victory pit. He covered himself with mud so that he blends in with everyone else.

I also think that that little incident with Jester, when they talked about money, it was a rejection of ideals, not Jester’s ideals, Jester I think just accidentally triggered this. But I think it was Trent’s ideals in terms of believing that peasants are lesser in some way, and that was a small rejection of those ideals.

While he’s telling the group his story, he abbreviates part of his story, just saying, “I went a little crazy.” Later, when he’s discussing Trent, he says, “He was a little mad himself.”

This connects him and Trent. That implication in that word ‘himself’ ties them together, he’s effectively saying ‘I went a little crazy, and Trent, he was a little mad, too’ it’s this uncomfortable link that he makes between himself and the man who groomed him, and brainwashed him, and abused him.

After he tells the group about the crystal experiments, he then says, ‘But everything was for empire...We were at war. We are at war. There were many that felt that way, that feel this way.”

That kind of ideology was fed to Caleb, Astrid, and Edowulf so exclusively that all three of them, upon having a false memory implanted into their minds showing their parents had been disloyal to the empire, were willing to murder them at Trent’s command. They killed other people that Trent brought them, dissenters, who were executed by these teenagers under this justification of everything being for your empire, your country, your society.

And that justification becomes an incredible powerful thing within the cycle of Trent’s abuse. Because it’s the justification that Caleb and the others use for the terrible things that they’ve done? So when Trent does terrible things to them, under the same justification, they’re almost forced, psychologically, to condone it. Because if they don’t condone Trent’s actions towards them, how can they condone their own actions against other people?

What Caleb does immediately after he tells the group about Trent’s twisted crystal experiments is to start making excuses for him. ‘It was for the empire’ ‘we were at war’ ‘it was for the greater good’ which also minimises the trauma and abuse that he endured.

A lot of traumatised people do that with their abusers, and I’m not a psychologist or anything, so don’t quote me on this, but I think, definitely in Caleb’s case, it’s again about taking some of the spotlight off of himself. But I also think it’s a fear response. It’s the same reason he smears himself with dirt and mud. He smears these harsh truths with gentling justifications and excuses (bullshit as they are) because if Trent ever found out he had told anyone about this, if he ever found out Caleb had complained about this, and disclosed details of his little experiments, that probably doesn’t even bear thinking about for Caleb.

Trent is a master manipulator that groomed Caleb in a likely very practised, very specific, very targeted way. He found a young boy from a small town with very little means who wanted to prove himself, and make something better of himself, and twisted him utterly. He made Caleb feel special, and important with his little private interviews, and chats, and then putting him into “advanced classes” as Caleb called them.

He twisted and controlled him to the point that Caleb consented (I use that word loosely, because coercion and ‘consent’ under this kind of abuse is not consent at all. Nevermind the fact Caleb was a minor at the time, but in his mind, that’s what I believe he thinks it was) to have agonising experiments conducted on him for this man.

Trent still influences everything that Caleb does, everything he thinks, everything he feels, everything he fears, everything he says. From what we’ve seen, he’s incredibly charming, just as a person, and also via some kind of strange magical influence which he used on Yasha. Imagine that presence, that influence, that power exerted on an impressionable, eager, hungry fifteen year old kid in a very concentrated, very personal manner for over two years.

And that all happened a long time ago, but psychologically, for Caleb, it didn’t. He was in an asylum for eleven years, but during that time, he still had the false memory that Trent implanted in him, and I highly doubt anyone would have been talking shit about the empire there. Abuse like Caleb’s needs to be validated from an external source before it can be believed.

So, really, Caleb spent eleven years trapped inside his own head feeling like he’d failed Trent, he’d failed his empire, his country, his home, the girl that he loved, the other students, literally everything he’d been taught to believe in.

Then one day someone magically zapped his brain and lifted that and he remembered everything. And from there he just went into a state of complete and utter panic. He admits himself that he’s been running for a long time, and that he’s been afraid all that time. He hasn’t exactly had time to process what he went through, to work out literally anything. All he’s been focused on is surviving.

Which makes a lot of sense. Because those memories are painful, and difficult, and it is so much easier to just blame himself, and hate himself, and punish himself than to examine what might have been done to him, how badly it might have damaged him, and how this man that he likely greatly respected and looked up to was always ever only using him.

-The last thing from that conversation/confession I want to talk about is: “I have been using you all” followed up with “If they see you with me they will use you to get to me” and “I don’t want one more thing on my head – you guys....It’s probably too late.”

I am SURE I’ve written meta about Caleb’s feelings towards the group before now, but this is kind of a more canon confirmation of what I thought.

Caleb was literally conditioned to be a weapon. He was made to execute dissenters of the empire from the ages of 15-17. Trent forced him to brutally kill his own fucking parents, I feel like he wasn’t exactly encouraged to care about people.

Caleb was used. He was taught that people were either useful, or they were not, they were ‘unwashed masses that relied on their base instincts’. And by ‘base instincts’ I’m assuming that Trent included ‘basic human decency/respect/caring about others’ in there. Love is a no-no.

So Caleb is battling with two years solid abuse and actual literal magical brainwashing plus torture, plus god knows what else plus eleven years of solitude in which he’s had time to brood on what an awful, pathetic failure he is to everyone and everything, and then like...5 months where he’s been half-starving to death, terrified out of his wits, and on the run. I feel like it’s a bit much to expect the dude to be able to admit that he cares about these people, even when he does.

But that denial, that excuse, that lame lie ‘I have been using you all’ is another dirt mask for Caleb. It’s something that keeps him safe. If Trent were to appear, right now, and demand to know if he cared about these people, Caleb is well practised in being able to say ‘no, I don’t, I’ve just been using them to fulfil my own ends and protect me’. It’s a protection thing, except this time it’s not himself he’s protecting, it’s them.

There’s also, I think, a deeper, far more twisted layer in that by saying this, it’s one way he can not fail Trent. He’s still sticking to this part of his teaching. He’s not being stupid and weak and falling in with the unwashed masses, he’s just using them, the way Trent used people.

I don’t think that Caleb consciously wants to be like Trent, but I do still think there’s over a decade of self-hatred and feeling like a failure, as well as a nice, generous heaping of Stockholm syndrome. I think this is a very strange, twisted combination of his desire, subconsciously, to still be linked with Trent, along the lines of linking their madness which...could not be more different, but hey! Abuse don’t give a shit about ur logic.

I think it’s also the fact that on some level he hates Trent. But he also hates himself. So telling himself that he’s like Trent, and believing he’s doing the things to others that Trent did to him gives him a false sense of power over him, but it’s also a bit like his fire magic? It’s a way of retraumatising himself, and punishing himself, but also I think, a bit like Trent’s crystal experiments, it’s punishment, and it’s pain, and it’s torture being used as a means of strengthening himself.

It’s him giving in to Trent’s teachings which are literally everywhere. He has these slips where he wonders why he’s with this group because they can’t help him achieve his goals, and he tells himself they’re slowing him down, and that’s Trent talking, not Caleb.

But then he utterly undermines it by saying that if anyone sees them with him, they’ll hurt him, and that he doesn’t want their lives set to his account, too. If he was using them, he literally wouldn’t say any of that, because it risks exposing himself in order to protect them.

I think that, in a massively oversimplified version of the real complicated psychological mess that is Caleb Widogast: the things he says and to an extent the things that he thinks, and feels are Trent.

The things that he DOES are Caleb.

He says that he shouldn’t be travelling with these people. That they’re not going to help him. That he’s wasting his time with them.

But he stays.

He says that he’s using them, and he won’t admit that he cares about them (because that’s dangerous, and not allowed).

But he literally rips open the most painful experiences of his life, risks himself to warn them about his past and what he’s been through and what he’s done in order to protect them.

Caleb says that he doesn’t care because he can’t. He can’t let himself care. Because it’s terrifying, and dangerous and has been used against him over and over and he’s spent years of his life believing that it’s wrong. And it tears him apart because he does. He does care. And it’s killing him, because it terrifies him.

Listen the tl;dr of this thing is that i love caleb widogast a whole lot, i think liam is doing an incredible job portraying a trauma and abuse survivor and, uh, i will fight you with thousands and thousands of ranting words of meta if ur rude about him. Have a nice day.

#caleb widogast #liam o'brien #critical role #cr2 #cr2 meta #caleb meta #my meta #critical role meta #listen #this is the monster liam o'brien has made me into #y'all had to know this was coming #u can't escape my bullshit forever #I'M BACK AND I'M SAD ABOUT CALEB WIDOGAST CONSTANTLY #DEAL WITH IT #text post ag #long post #do u want to be sad before tonight's episode? #if the answer is yes: pls read on!

[cleverbroadwayurl]

The Dark I Know Well (Jeremy Heere x Reader Pt 23)

Song: The Dark I Know Well from Spring Awakening

Word Count: 2406

Need to Catch Up? Sneak a peek at my masterlist!

A/N: I’m so sorry about taking so long, I just wanted to make something that I was a little bit proud of posting! I also work 40 hours a week so yikes I’m busy a lot!!

Taglist: @retrogarden​ @be-more-heidi-hansen​ @scarsonthecuffsofyourjeans​ @bluhimaweirdo​ @catatonic-kuragin​ @stargirl-murphy​ @macbookpro-hard-drive​ @heytheredee-lilah​

Trigger Warnings: Implied assault, mentions of assault, mentions of a shitty boyfriend, language, mentions of fear of intimacy, mentions of an abusive ex-boyfriend, mentions of the Halloween party, mentions of previous fic parts, IF I MISSED ANYTHING PLEASE LET ME KNOW

You had been wronged before, you’d been confused, cheated out of a life that was set for you that was supposed to be happy. Your ex-boyfriend had done wrong. Jeremy wanted to do it right.

By date three, Jeremy swore that he was walking on air.

Between gaming together and eating takeout, something even more magical had sprung up--more than he ever could’ve imagined in his usual daydreams that he’d had a year ago. It was suddenly like everything felt like it clicked into place, the last puzzle piece just fitting into a beautiful photo that he couldn’t wait to show the world--with your permission, of course.

While he thought the consent thing would be a challenge, it really wasn’t. It started as something conscious, something that felt like it took a lot of work. But it ended up feeling normal, even just by the end of date two.

And you were right: you weren’t normal. You were by far one of the sweetest people Jeremy had ever met, someone who took the time to ask him how his day was but was sure to leave space so he could spend some time relaxing on his own. You felt years wiser but somehow stuck in your same body. Jeremy could guess why, but he always left that specific part out of the conversation. It was easier to leave the past behind and focus on the present, or even the future. He didn’t really mean like future future, but things that were happening within the next week or month or so. He thought about the nice things he could do for you, but still keeping your boundaries intact, along with ideas for dates, and sometimes even thought about how he even ended up where he was, and just how lucky this whole thing felt.

You had been much more relaxed by date two, which in turn made Jeremy relax. He could feel it as his muscles stopped tensing while you giggled at his character once again falling off the side of the map during a Super Smash Bros. game. But it didn’t matter. If he could hear that laughter that felt like watching a flame flicker atop a scented candle, losing wasn’t so bad. In fact, he could go as far to say that he preferred to lose. He claimed a reward almost either way.

So when Jeremy showed up for date three and you looked a bit...well...not yourself, he became concerned. It was almost like a switch had gone off, like one day you were fine, but a nervous wreck the next. That can’t be healthy. It didn’t make sense in his brain, unless he’d done something bad like crossed a boundary he didn’t mean to. Although his intentions were good, he’d realized that in the long run, your perception was much more important than his intention. Of course, with a flick of your wrist, and a shaky entrance, Jeremy could already feel himself going through each text, every conversation, every consonant, every vowel, with each passing millisecond, all without looking at his phone. He could feel his face pale and his fists clench, eyes glazing over as he mentally went through each memory of every interaction. If something was amiss and it was his fault, Jeremy wanted to be held accountable--and more importantly, wanted to apologize for it.

You gave a nervous smile to him and casually drifted away. Usually, he’d ask to touch you, but this wasn’t the right time--he doubted it would be the right time until the end of the night. He still needed to apologize, though, even if he didn’t know what he was apologizing for. But before he could open his mouth, you glided across the first story of his house, almost begging him to go down into his basement. A fake smile crossed your lips as your eyebrows knitted. Something was wrong, but he just couldn’t tell what.

So he followed you. That was the best that he could do in the moment.

As he followed you down the stairs, Jeremy became uneasy in his skin. It settled there, infecting him thoroughly as you stepped carefully in the room, sitting in a beanbag that was set in front of the TV. You sat for a solid 10 seconds before shivering in your seat, eyes almost longing to move to the other one for some particular reason. It felt weird, like when someone leaves a light on during a sunny day, weird like the storm in Life is Strange, weird like first hearing about the SQUIP. He tried to let it go, but couldn’t. There was something about you that felt that kind of different that he usually saw in classes months before he met you--like personally--and probably over a year since you started dating officially.

It lingered in the air around him, tension pulling apart everything you two had worked for at the seams. So he inhaled and took one step at a time. “Did you want to sit in the other beanbag?”

“I’m good.”

Your face refocused on the wall, eyes still, unmoving, as if something cold crawled in them and had died. The typical warmth was absent, and Jeremy still wondered if it was something he did wrong. His heart pounded with anxiety as the words almost swirled out of his mouth. “Did I--?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”  Your words cut him off, cutting through the shivering silence. He nodded, palms balling, the impulse to wipe them clean causing his fingers to flinch and flip around in the air. Fuck, he definitely did soemthing wrong. “I know this is like… the third date and I just...want to clarify something with you.”

“Uhh sure!” Too jittery, too excited, calm down you wuss, you’re just going to say something that needs to be said, and it probably isn’t that bad. But a part of him started to say goodbye to you, started to let you go. This felt nonnegotiable. This felt like a weight had dropped into the room, tension setting the gravity lower and lower. “Whatever you think we need to talk about, we can.”

“I know what usually happens on a third date and I just...wanted to say that I’m not really like comfortable with doing that right now”

Jeremy felt his face contort into confusion. If you weren’t comfortable with something, he was totally okay with that. He would do everything in his power to make sure he wouldn’t cross that boundary into discomfort, especially with you, who had been faced with that so many times before. So he sat, and listened for what exactly you were referring to. While he wasn’t sure what the fuck this “third date” nonsense was, he made a silent promise not to do whatever you brought up. He nodded, almost prompting you to continue, but he could still feel that uneasy frown on his face.

“Do you know what I’m talking about? Or should I like… clarify more? I know this isn’t like a known thing, but I don’t know, I just want to like...talk about it.”

“I have to be honest, I don’t really know--”

“Oh.” You paused, eyes meeting the floor, hands beginning to fidget with the fraying of the bean bag. You were still uneasy, visibly uncomfortable. You shook a little, and it almost seemed like you were close to tears. But instead of crying, you gave a chuckle as your fingers combed through the loose threads. “It’s kind of a classic trope on like the third date to like uhh…” Your face became painted with red, the crimson pigment something Jeremy hadn’t seen on you, probably ever. Were you...embarrassed?  “like have sex, I guess.”

“Oh.”

The world is said aloud, and Jeremy immediately shames himself for it. It wasn’t supposed to be audible, that was the biggest mistake he’d made, and now he was sure you’d kick him to the curb. Your eyes finally met his, a sharp stare invading his personal space as he sputtered out a more acceptable response. “Well to say I haven’t thought about it would be uhh a lie,”--fuck, that’s not more acceptable, that’s the shittiest thing to say-- “but like I wasn’t going to even bring it up unless you wanted to, oh my god I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything and I mean we haven’t even uhh kissed? And I feel like that maybe should come first because I think we both have boundaries?”

“Yeah.” you nod, almost surveying him as the seconds tick past. Silence falls onto the room, and Jeremy can finally get a millisecond of relaxation, or rather, a peaceful moment in the echoing silence. “I uhh feel the same.”

He nods once again, knowing that while it’s probably good to talk about sex, he probably--defintely. Definitely should not have brought it up. “I’m sorry if I like...crossed a line or something, I really didn’t mean to. I just think like...we should probably do other stuff first and get comfortable with one another?” “Yeah me too.”

“It just feels wrong to push it, you know?” You nod again, and Jeremy feels another millimeter of relaxation hit him, his shoulders dropping, hands returning neutral. “And the third date, really? That seems fast. I mean, who even does that, or even pushes it, especially at like, our age and our point in the relationship?”

“You’d be surprised, Jeremy,” you said, suddenly. Your voice felt thicker, like it was flowing through molasses instead of the clean air coming in through the vents. Your eyes kept themselves trained on the ground, but your hand stopped moving.

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asked, still not knowing the answer, not knowing what the heck is causing this. He just said he would not cross a boundary on your third date, or really, try to not do that at all, unless it was something that had been discussed and that you’d consented to, every step of the way. But it was weird you weren’t changing, not getting more relieved at his words that he genuinely meant. This felt like some kind of trauma, that you were telling him about an event that obviously still haunted you. His mind raced back in time to see if he could figure out what could’ve happened, and more importantly, with who, until he reached a familiar subject. “Oh.”

“He didn’t uhh...He didn’t...like...get too far, but--”

“It was far enough to make you uncomfortable and worry about it in the future.”

“Yeah.”

Jeremy’s fists ball up like they haven’t in a long time, and he can feel his blood starting to boil. Sure, the details were vague, but he wasn’t about to push you to tell that story. He would never push you for more information on this subject. He could feel himself see red up until the point of numbness, like everything was so intensely felt all at once. It was like he was exploring the cave in Firewatch again. And the worst part of it was that he didn’t know what to do. He had nothing. He didn’t even know details, and he didn’t want to know them unless you were open to sharing. It was clear that this was personal--of course it was--it’s private, it’s trauma. “And that was on the--”

“Third date?” You’re near tears at this point, fingers stopped fidgeting as he can see your eyelashes flash quickly, trying to suppress tears. “Yep.” You sniffle before he can continue. Coolness now flows through his veins, like your crying was the extinguisher.

“God, I'm so sorry.”

“It’s okay, I mean...at least I’ve stopped like telling myself it was my fault for the most part.”

“It’s not.”

“I know.” You nod, taking another breath. “Even if it’s just something I say now and believe later, I know. You kinda told me that a while ago, too.”

“Because it's not your fault, even if you have history and--”

You crack a watery smile, mouth still wavering. “Yeah. You’re right, Jeremy.” You pause for a second, almost to compose yourself. It’s short, almost too short, as your voice steadies. You continue, and Jeremy can’t help but listen as his eyes look at the floor, taking everything in. “It’s weird. I remember exactly what I was wearing, the time it was at, the date, everything. But it didn’t come rushing back until after the relationship was over and I had to take a proconsent class for my first year at college.” You take another second. He can hear you getting upset again, and he would offer his hand, but that was too much, even for him, so Jeremy instead gives you a look, sparing mercy on you as his eyes trace your figure that still doesn’t have the heart to look at him full on. “I just feel so stupid that I didn’t just leave him right then and there. Why did I stay another two hours, why did I blame myself, why the fuck did I let him get away with violating me and blaming myself? Because he apologized?” You’re full on crying now, your eyes meeting his as tears stream from them. Your face turns bright red, eyes bloodshot, as anger flows through you and stress with pain make their way back into the room. “I still own those clothes because I hope one day I’ll feel different about them, but it’s been so long that I’ve just been staring at them, filled with bad memories, it’s like I can never forget.” You finally wipe your tears and give yourself another few seconds to compose. By the time you’re finished with a few sniffles here and there, your sleeves are wet from tears, and Jeremy feels like touching you would be wrong in this moment. It feels like everything just moved so fast, and you need your space--the space you didn’t get--right now. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry my rant got out of hand, I didn’t mean to just word vomit like that.”

“No, I uhh,,, I’m glad you said it. I’m sorry that it happened, and I just...feel your pain. I know I mentioned Halloween, and that of course was a little similar, but this--”

“I know.” You nod one last time before you finally meet his gaze. For the first time that night, you smile at him, genuinely through the pain and tears as they subside. Your hand reaches out, and he takes it, knowing that for right now, that is all you want, and right now, that is enough.

#jeremy heere x reader #jeremy heere imagine #bmc x reader #bmc imagine #be more chill imagine #be more chill x reader

[babyybitchhh]

Oof, this weeks episode of Sarazanmai was fantastic. A solid 10/10 installment. (Spoilerish)

More buildup for Kazuki and Tooi being end game - look, I’m not even a shipper but that impromptu theme park “date” and Tooi going along with Kazuki’s hairbrained kidnapping scheme pretty much solidified them as being good couple material in my mind. If it happens, great. I love being right. If it doesn’t, eh. I’m definitely not invested in shipping enough to be upset about it. I’m eager to see how this plays out either way.

Chikai. Chikai everywhere - fantastic content all around, thank you Ikuhara.

He’s 25 - I do wish he was just a little older, because older men are hotter, but I am certainly not complaining about this. A good age. Plenty of time left for him to ripen. 😏

The visual implication of the arcade game - I don’t know how anyone else read this scene, but I interpreted it as symbolizing that he’s well versed in “scoring” whereas Enta is still an inexperienced cherry boy who can’t make the goal. Chikai has not only fucked, but he will absolutely fuck again. That’s canon.

He’s a shitty person and not half as cool or hard boiled as he acts - I actually guffawed when he shoved Enta at the Yakuza dude and ran off. Like wow. Super low move bro, but it honestly just endeared me to him even more. It’s okay, baby. I like trashy men.

He actually does care about Tooi in his own twisted way - not only does he keep old childhood pictures of his baby brother on his phone but he doesn’t seem to have any problem whipping them out and showing them off to other people like a proud mother. This is what we call gap moe folks.

Enta proving yet again that he’s just a bad person hiding behind a nice guy act - and that’s okay. Fictional characters are allowed to be bad people, and being 13 or gay does not make him incapable of exhibiting shitty behavior. I really don’t care what anyone says to defend him. Honestly, between all the other shit he’s pulled and then immediately wanting to help Chikai get out of town as soon as he heard Tooi was going with him just so Enta could have Kazuki all to himself makes him a Bad Person. Full stop. Tbh that was some incel-y behavior if I ever saw it. The kid needs to learn how to process his emotions in less selfish, destructive, hurtful ways.

Sara not only conspiring with Keppi but calling him “prince” - people who’ve read the novels might know more about this than I do but are they betrothed?

Reo gradually losing his grip - like, I definitely get it. The shit with Mabu sucks and after all the mental and emotional manipulation the otter kingdom has put him through, I really don’t blame him for getting a little loopy now that it looks like an end to the suffering might finally be in sight. It does worry me slightly, because I wouldn’t put it past Ikuhara to really crank up the tragedy meter to a solid 10 and make him truly snap. The next few episodes will be very interesting for a multitude of reasons, and seeing how this plays out is only one of them.

Kazuki seemingly realizing that Tooi is important to him - either way you slice it, Enta deserved what Kazuki did to him. Like, at this point it’s just some well deserved karma and he needed to get a hard dose of reality after thinking any of his dumbbell stunts were valid. But the fact Kazuki finally turned on him - not because he kissed him without consent, not because he maliciously wrecked their soccer spot, not because he stole the dishes - but because he chased Tooi away? Y’all. I had some major doubts that there would be any canon pairings in this just based on the nature of the series (that is to say, forming and maintaining meaningful relationships by being open and honest with other people, which none of our trio are capable of doing yet) but now I’m really wondering if Ikuhara will go all the way. Big if true. It’d be a love story for the ages given their intertwining pasts with each other as well as their own personal traumas. 😧

#sarazanmai #rambling

[laracastrowrites]

Blackstairs Appreciation Post (cause yes, it’s what they deserve)

You know, more and more I think about Blackstairs more I love them and their relationship ????

Like, there are SO MANY things I started to realize they have as a couple that I appreciate and that are treated with such naturalism (as it should) but that are actually not that common to see in YA (and sometimes, not even in other genres) ???

First: there is no power unbalance between them since the get go. Both of them are complete equals from start to finish. Even if you pick the main previous couples from The Shadowhunter Chronicles, you will find power unbalance (Clary was basically a mundane before finding out she was a shadowhunter and even after that, she had to train a lot (ofc) to become a decent capable warrior; and Tessa was another one that was there, lost, not knowing who she was or what she was, not knowing what to do, stuck between two very capable warriors (even if one of them was sick)). And I see now how this is kind of rare to get between hetero couples in YA fantasy ???? So yeah, this.

Second: the intimacy and easy going dynamic of two people that are, first of all, best friends that know each other so well and like anyone else and therefore are even family before being lovers, and in which all that is more important than any drama they might be facing as a couple and. I. JUST. LOVE. THATTTTTT!!!!! (and it is other thing that is rare to see, cause majority of couples are not best childhood friends to lovers and the ones that are don’t work like that for some reason ???? which makes it kind of pointless them being best childhood friends ??? and in YA, especially, authors can never make it right, ugh!)

Third: the amount of things that are naturalized within their dynamics and how maturely their issues, as a couple and as people, are addressed and solved within the narrative. The way "little" sexisms are out of perimeter between them (and within Julian*) and the way this is treated naturally and not as a thing to make Julian seems like a "feminist icon", making it flattery for him, cause after all, being decent and treat women as your equal and as human beings should be just standard behavior (note that this is just brought up in the narrative when we have contact with characters that aren't within our inner circle of protagonists; those are the moments when it is brought up to our attention that the way Julian is and acts, seeing from outsiders bigotry's eyes, it's a motive to be the heart of the joke; because unfortunately, sexism is still very real outside of that circle and shouldn't be neglected to be exposed by the narrative, as it isn't).

I'm going to pin point some of the other things that are treated so naturally that lots of readers might barely notice, but that it might have been big issues for other guys to digest and/or accept if they were in Julian’s place.

Starting with: Emma being a stronger, better fighter than Julian. Julian knows this pretty well and he never feels threatened or belittle by it, he is actually proud and knows his strength lies on strategy and he is completely fine with it. Fragile masculinity would have find this outrageous and unacceptable, once physical strength is what matters, is exactly what "Strength" "means" (for fragile masculinity), and a girl being better than a guy in this aspect should be a shame for that guy. But well, Julian's masculinity is not fragile and he is completely fine with that.

Other example: Emma being the sexual experienced one. For other guys this would have been another reason for shame, but not for Julian. There is no shame on him (and he would have never want to sleep with anyone else, anyway), just insecurity for maybe not being able to please her for his inexperience, but not because he is afraid that other guys might be better than him, cause first: this is not a competition, and second: it is not about him, it's about HER, and he just wants to make her happy and make her feel good, really (ANDOMGICANNOTTELLYOUHOWMUCHILOVETHISIWANNACRY).

And another example: Julian's lack of "inferiority complex" (I mean, with all that I've pointed out right now, I think lots of guys would have had solid reasons to feel intimidated by Emma and her power and would have feel they wouldn’t be enough for her or not worthy (and lots might really not be lol)) and self-pity behavior. Even when Julian fucks up, he never acts whinny or distant, which, lots of times, are just another way to make things about YOU when they are NOT about you, not at all (or shouldn't be, at least); the mindset and behavior of "omg I'm so horrible and evil and I don't deserve love, STAY AWAY FROM ME!", lots of times, it's just a different way to be self centered, and well, Julian is anything BUT self centered. Apologizing and redeeming yourself when you've wronged people is (or should be) about the people you've hurt and not about you, and Julian is completely conscious of that and does not falter when he needs to make up for his mistakes. And because of the fact that he knows he and Emma are complete equals, he also knows and believes he is as well deserved of her love as she is of his love (AND I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!)

And not to mention the way consent is treated, the way their co-dependency is addressed and treated (they do have issues, yes, cause being a good couple/pair doesn't exactly mean having no problems to solve in and/or outside the relationship), and the fact that they are very complex, flawed and complicated characters by themselves is great, and it helps to not make things seem forced or stereotyped.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I love and appreciate so much their dynamics and I think we need MORE of that. We need more so we can really naturalize these kind of things I pointed out. Cause unfortunately, Blackstairs are kind of an exception here and not the rule; male white straight** protagonists/love interests like Julian are ,,,,,,, NON EXISTENT (EXCEPT FOR HIM NOW) LIKE WTF !!?!?!?!?! (I mean, MAYBE they exist and it is just me that is not aware of it; so please, if you know a male white straight** main character that is a little bit like Julian in the things I've pointed out, please PleAsE, let me know, and thank you) and quoting @cassandraclare here: "Part of what makes Emma and Julian (to me) a great pair is that they are both flawed, but both perfectly-equipped to help each other in their worst times."

* Julian does present some very unhealthy coping mechanisms that are inside of the “toxic masculinity spectrum”, we might say (which is suppressing and hiding his emotions and vulnerability, that he sees as “weaknesses” that have to be hidden), in which the narrative does not shy away from addressing and correcting pretty decently (and even brutally, to say the least); and this is one of the things that makes this character such a powerful statement against fragile and toxic masculinity; he is NOT prevented to be poisoned by these toxic behaviors and mindsets, even if he is miles ahead of majority of guys, but he does learn his lesson because the narrative makes him learn it and I absolutely LOVE that, it is SO powerful, it is SUCH a powerful way to deliver the message, uGH! I go nuts!

** Julian is demisexual, actually. He might fall in the heterosexual spectrum though, I don’t know know ???? (the ACE spectrum is still kind of confusing to me, I’m so sorry, and people are free to correct me if I’m being ignorant, I mean, PLEASE, correct me if I said something harmful or offensive here, don’t be afraid to call me out) and that’s one of the reasons why I used the term “straight” there, but keep in mind that Julian is, more specifically, demisexual; please and thank you.

#blackstairs #jemma #tda #emma carstairs #julian blackthorn #blackstairs appreciation post #cause it's what they deserve #and i wont talk about the antis misconceptions in here #cause honestly for what #i wont give them the spotlight #and thank you for your time #mine #discourse #ig... #??? #anyways