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thatbadadvice · 11 months

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Dear advisor,

(Apologies in advance, english is not my first language)

I made 2 friends in clg (K and P) i was especially close with K, talked and shared a lot with her. Suddenly she started being mean to me and it reached a point where we stopped talking. When i asked what her problem was, she basically said she prioritises P and i'm intruding their friendship, taking up all of P's time. And that hurt really bad, felt angry at them both. I gave them "space", stopped talking, it was more awkward because i didn't have friends other than them. Moving on, we got our finals result, K and P they both got second place and... i feel like shit. I really wanted to be better than them, show that i'm cool(ik its cringe) now i'm really insecure and feel so untalented. Every time i do something, i always think about how they would've done it much better. I'm on my final year, soon have to start applying for jobs and i don't want to be like this. I have already put them on a pedestal and can't stop comparing myself to them.

Readers sometimes send Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you’d like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the “ask” form!

Oh, friend! Thank you so much for sending in this question, and for having the bravery and aplomb to write it both elegantly and colloquially in a language that is not your original tongue.

Do you know what the Bad Advisor would have to do if she had to write an advice-seeking letter in another language? She would have to write to some French agony aunt and ask them where the bathroom is and if she can please have an Aperol spritz and do they like dancing? Because that is the extent of the Bad Advisor's ability to communicate in her non-native language! Please do not feel obligated to apologize for doing a brilliant and hard thing. For this reason alone, the Bad Advisor hopes you raise yourself in your own estimation, because the Bad Advisor is extremely the fuck impressed, and the Bad Advisor hopes her opinion counts for something. (After all, you asked!)

There is a saying in English: "Comparison is the thief of joy." This feels like a saying that should not be an English saying, because the English-speaking world, a world of colonizers and capitalists, is a world in which comparison is the foundation of all we do -- we compete, we contend, we dominate! (I, a professional writer with a better-than-average command of my native language, used a thesaurus to fill out that sentence!) But perhaps for this reason, we understand the trauma of comparison all the more deeply.

Comparison, that miserable poacher of happiness, robs us of our ability to appreciate so much: what we can do, what we enjoy doing, what we dream of doing. Cruelly, comparison hits us hardest in the parts of our lives we care most about. Would that it were otherwise! But it explains why I can thrill at watching the Olympics, or celebrate someone else's ability to change a car tire or swat a humongous bug without descending into despair. I have no expectation of myself that I will become an Olympic athlete (I simply could never), or change a tire (I can happily pay for this service), or deal with an insect intruder (only upon pain of death or the absence of my less-squeamish partner). But in my very worst and often even my entirely average moments? I sometimes squirm and froth upon reading a brilliant book, a thoughtful op-ed, or just an excellently executed sentence. Because those are things I believe I can, I must, I SHALL do! When I fail to do those things, or when I have not yet done those things -- things I believe myself to be capable of, things I believe I should be capable of -- I feel small and silly and worthless.

The only fix that I have found to those feelings of smallness and silliness is to acknowledge them and unpack them as signals that they are telling me something not about what I can't do, but about what I can do and deserve to do. These feelings come sometimes about people I deeply love and care about, and sometimes they come about strangers! But every time, they tell me something about myself that I have not tended and cared for and nourished and celebrated.

It is easy and satisfying and perhaps even motivating to be mad at and jealous of strangers; it is so much heavier and more shame-inducing to feel these feelings about people we know and love. And you were pushed aside by K and P, who you know and love(d), in ways that sound especially unfair and unkind. Which I expect makes this hurt all the more! I think you know you cannot fix whatever smallness and meanness made K and P sequester themselves and their relationship away from you; you're not asking about that. But you want to move beyond this feeling of having to win at life before or over them, and you recognize already that living in their shadow will only bring darkness to you.

Metaphorical solution: move out of the darkness by giving yourself a bigger world where there is more space to find sunlight. This world is waiting for you, because you are about to embark upon a post-college career that naturally lends itself to such! Perhaps you will see K and P's shadows for a while -- but as you move farther from their branches that shade your sunny picnic, you will find other, more welcoming spaces in which to enjoy your meal, and the tree at the other end of the park will seem less and less like it is threatening to ruin your good time.

Practical solution: indulge yourself in the things you love and care about most, honor and cultivate other people's interests in those same things, and find something wholly unrelated to fail at. To wit:

indulge yourself: someone will always be better, maybe even much better, at the thing you love and are best at. They might be first. They might, for now, be the only. That's inevitable. Work to do your best at what you love, and to be proud of what you're doing on your own terms. I can't think of a single discipline -- academic, arts, cultural, scientific, political, or otherwise -- in which any person on earth can claim to be the "first, last, and only." We all build on the work of others; the fact that someone did better than you or preceded you is only evidence that there is room for you to innovate, to change, to bring your own perspective. Internalizing this is really, really hard, and in my experience almost impossible to achieve if you resist the next bullet point.

support other people's interest in your field: this is different to "networking." I mean: find folks who you like and think are fun and interesting and maybe are a little newer to your thing than you are, and offer them guidance or just a place to commiserate and see where that takes you. The best cure for feeling bad about yourself is to do a good turn for someone else -- not out of pity or self-interest, but because helping other people lifts us up in immeasurable and intangible ways, sparks new ideas, and opens new venues for change and innovation.

fail at something: one of the best things you can learn to do is learn to be bad at shit. I'm bad at embroidery, and I do it a lot! I give my ugly embroidery things to friends and family members who appreciate the thought and the effort more than the execution! When I can't find anyone to give my bad embroidery to, I put it on the Bad Embroidery shelf in my office or pawn it off to my husband, who has his own Bad Advisor's Bad Embroidery Shelf in his office. I never get better at embroidery, but I keep doing it because: it's pretty enough even when it's bad, I don't need to succeed at it to enjoy it, and it calms my ADHD-addled mind even when I can't tell a tiger from a flower. I've learned to be bad at other stuff, too! I took up curling (the sport) and I love it and I fall the fuck over every time I try to deliver that ding-dang kettle. I have a bad knee and always have to use the newbie-balancing thing that first-timers train on. It's fine! And guess what? The people I curl with are really, really bad writers, and it makes me laugh and laugh to read their emails. And you know what? They don't care that I'm bad at curling and I don't care that their emails are poorly written.

the tl;dr: Earlier in my Bad Advice days, I advised letter-writers to go learn to paint or some shit when they were having a bad time with a fixation on a bad relationship or situation, and I stand by that advice. Learn something new because you deserve something new! You have a bright fucking future ahead of you that involves neither K nor P beyond the great gift they have given you of showing you that your people will always value your input, create space for you and your brilliance, and honor and respect your boundaries.

You can do this, because you already want to. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

#advice #bad advice #good advice interlude #go learn to paint or some shit #friendships #friendship advice #competition #comparison #comparison is the thief of joy #curling #embroidery #college life #academics #university #student life

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sparkle-fiend · 1 month

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I know I really shouldn’t compare myself to others, or worry too much about notes - and most of the time I don’t. I create fanart because I enjoy it, first and foremost, and that’s usually enough for me.

But sometimes…. sometimes I see the number of notes on other artists posts and the little doubt gremlins creep into my brain and I start to feel like everything I’ve been doing lately is poop 💩

#ignore me #it’s just one of those days #comparison is the thief of joy #sometimes it sneaks past my defenses #personal #💩💩💩

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howifeltabouthim · 8 months

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She is so many things, and I feel like I am only one thing.

Katherine Lin, from You Can't Stay Here Forever

#comparison is the thief of joy #i contain multitudes #simple #complex #opposites #comparison #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #inferiority complex #inadequate #katherine lin #you can't stay here forever

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carpediembitchess · 6 months

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sometimes i wonder if i was a little more like you then perhaps the voices and words reverberating these walls wouldn't be as harsh then perhaps the crimson stains on the elder tree wouldn't be as dark but sometimes i wonder if i was a little more like you would i finally begin to love me too?

#light academia #poem #poetry #quotes #spilled ink #thoughts #if only #comparison is the thief of joy #compared #i wish #showerthoughts #longing #allegory

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bradshawsbaby · 5 months

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One of these days I’m really going to believe this with my whole heart 🥲

#comparison is the thief of joy #i tell myself over and over and over again

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krskrash · 5 months

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Comparison, is the thief of joy.

-Mark Twain

#quote #quote of the day #comparison is the thief of joy #just sayin'

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worldsfromwords · 2 years

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Comparison

The humble pigeon gazed at the peacock, awed by its iridescent plumage – spread to its fullest glory. The pigeon wondered what it might be like to be so resplendent, so universally admired and adored.

The peacock took a longing look at the pigeon, wondering what it might be like to take to the skies. To be free.

#comparison #jealousy #comparison is the thief of joy #my words #my writing #original poetry #original writing #original poem #poetry #poem #writing #original work

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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 2 years

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#social media is a trap #go outside #touch grass #experience it #live your life #life is not a competition #comparison is the thief of joy #doodles #bad art #lousy drawings #doodle #social media sucks #stop performing for others #live for yourself

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uwudonoodle · 10 days

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Reminder to myself to STOP looking at fics in the same fandom/ship as the one I'm currently writing. Everyone else's stories are so amazing, and it makes me feel like garbage in comparison. I'm so scared my story won't be up to the fandom's standards and will be ignored.

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inexplicablymine · 13 days

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there is this phrase that gets touted around about how “comparison being the thief of joy” and what really sucks is that it’s so correct it slices through your soft feelings and cuts to the bone, so as easy as it is to say don’t compare we have to figure out how to stop for ourselves. this isn’t just comparison to other people, it’s to ourselves in the past, it’s to our perceived selves in the future, to who we thought we would be right now. don’t let the imaginary lives we have lived in our heads take away from where you are right now experiencing life

#shower thoughts #comparison is the thief of joy #inexplicablymine

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ow-writing · 3 months

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Comparison Comparison Comparison

—————

Comparison is a thief of joy.

To compare yourself to others is poison, they say.

I must have a death wish.

The poison sits pretty in a golden goblet

Sparkling with the anger it is prepared to unleash.

And my hands are drawn to it,

Undeniably searching for something to quench my thirst.

It’s easy to compare

When the American dream has a standard outline.

Everyone knows the expected progression of things.

You work hard and you can achieve it too.

I guess I didn’t work hard enough.

But I know that’s not true.

Why else would I have experienced the burnout that forced me to drop out of college?

Why else would I have taken 3 months to recover enough to get a job?

Why else would I have saved every penny to make my dreams come true?

And yet

It’s so easy to compare

My life to the peers I left behind at college.

The life I thought I would be living.

Spring break abroad.

Independence and freedom.

But I know I picked a different route.

Student loans gave me crippling anxiety.

My goals aligned with career experience, not a degree.

I will own a home before any of my peers.

I will have financial freedom before most of my peers.

I feel I’ve made the decision that is best suited for myself.

And yet,

When I see what they experience that I cannot,

I can’t help but start the narrative back over in my head.

I’m twenty and I dropped out of college.

I work full time and cannot afford to move out of my parents house.

I have no rowdy college trip memories.

I’ve never left the country.

And every time,

I have to continue to remind myself that I still have more than most.

I am forging my own path.

And I will make it worth it.

So I continue to drink the poison,

Until I remember I’ve already made the remedy.

And I will do it again and again

Until my hand no longer reaches for the poison,

and I will stop needing to revive myself.

One day I will let the goblet sit

Untouched

- O. Wells

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miscellaniesoflove · 4 months

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stop comparing yourself to others. flowers are pretty but so are sunsets and they are nothing alike.

#mindset shift #self love #thoughtoftheday #comparison is the thief of joy

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giraffeonstrike · 1 year

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It's warm today, and cloudy. It rained a little and stopped, thinking about a round two. I had to bring my woodworking inside, and I'm building a wardrobe for my daughter like the one my papa made for my sisters.

I saw that wardrobe every day until I moved out and this one still won't be exactly the same. If he was still here, he would have built it...and it still would be different. It would still be useful, still be loved, but different.

This isn't about the wardrobe anymore is it?

I don't think my papa would like that he's become a shadow in my life sometimes. If he was here he'd tell me, like he did all the time: "be careful of what you're missing, Elias." I was born worried, focused on fixing, and he knew that. He knew I'd have to be reminded that there are things you'll be blind to if you stay wrapped up in your worries. You'll always find something to stress about if you're looking. Lately I've been thinking so much about how it's not possible to measure up to how truly amazing he was. How hard it will be to navigate being a father when mine isn't here to show me.

We never were the same though. What he had to do to make it work isn't remotely similar to the kind of situation I have going on. I'm blessed to have so much more stability, so much less to worry about, generally...and I'm realizing, finally, that I do have the same things that made my papa so wonderful.

He loved us more than anything in the world, and was willing to wake up every day and prove it. I never had any doubt that he would do absolutely anything for us. He left everything behind, his whole life, so we could have it better. My daughter isn't even born yet and I know that for the rest of my life she and her big brother own my ass...that I love them so much I can't even describe it.

So I'll finish this wardrobe eventually, and it won't be the same as Papa's but it will be loved...and so will I.

#fatherhood #parenting #coping with grief #comparison is the thief of joy #life is strange

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