#because depression is so hard to explain. people dont accept 'i just could not bring myself to be a human today' as a valid excuse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lonelylacexo · 2 years

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INTRO: Tumblr. Hmm. Hopefully this will be a good outlet for me. Kinda like twitter. In the way that i can release my thoughts and feelings discreetly but also publicly. No one knows I have a twitter or tumblr. What to write. I have many thoughts. In this moment I’m worried. Kind of worried about the progression of my depression and anxiety. I feel its getting worse some days. More so depression. Anxiety I dont struggle with as much. It really is a disease. Something i have to catch while in the middle of it. Catch my negative disgusting thoughts. Dark, thorough intense feelings. I like to think I ponder on things heavily. I know i dont think, talk or act like a typical kud my age. I never ever have. Also been at least mature. I think about death constantly. And when I say dark thoughts, I dont mean like evil, violent or malice. Or harming anyone in any way. I mean i think about my existence. A feeling I’ve never been able to explain to anyone no mattter how hard i try. I’m used to pain. Figuring out what im going to do.

I’ve been heartbroken and running since I was born. I was born into a broken family. And when I got taken away from it, I went to another broken family. Mommy and daddy issues from the start. My birthparents acknowledge that we were spoiled and fed and financially ok. The best toys and clothes and tvs in our rooms. But was it ok to do drugs in the home, for our house to be shot up every week. To hop from friend to family member because my mother needed to snort some and needed a babysitter? To have everything we owned bought with drug money? In and out of prison? Random people passing thru our house everyday? To remember all of that? It is what it is right? Im the only one of my siblings that remembers it. I’ll never know why. Why I remember what our house looked like. Why I remember going to the market with my brother. Why I remember eating spongebob ice cream. Why I remember my mom screaming.

I’m not special. everyone has struggled, everyone has deep dark feelings. Everyone has some sort of trauma. I just happen to have a lot of it. Some of it is self inflicted, some of it could have been avoided. Majority of it couldn’t. I’ll process thru it all hopefully. Im trying at least right? Thats what matters. I’ll write all about my life. I’ll do it chronologically. Starting from my birth. Then move on to the next trauma when I feel ready to.

Last thing I wanna add before I go, is death. I briefly mentioned it. But death. D-E-A-T-H. Deeeaatthhhh. Huh. Some days i cant wait for it, some days im terrified. Terried more of the unknown and what will happen to me once I’m gone. I want to die and see if anyone would really be affected by it. See if anyone would care. Not in a pick me way just to see if I really did my job. Did my job of being the best person I could be and making a difference. I’m scared of not existing. I dont know if I believe in heaven. Well, whatever happens I’ll have to deal with right? Thats my life motto sheesh. I could go more in depth but I’ll come back to this thought later. More than anything I want to be at peace. Full contentment. Ease. Tranquility. No one knows how I feel. No one can. People can help you feel less alone, but its ludicrous to think that people can feel the exact feeling when you have gone thru different things. No person is the exact same to the next. Or maybe they do and I’m stupid. Its the depression telling me that. That im alone blah blah and no one understands. Whatever. I know I’m alone and its ok. One thing to cry and dwell about it, its another to embrace and accept it.

This is the intro. If I fulfill my dreams and wishes, then hopefully people can come back to this and find comfort and to feed their curiosity about me. If anyone really cares about my thought process and where I’m at currently. Who knows. Maybe no one will read this and that brings me peace too. Well im gonna go to bed. Sincerely, Laci

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errorpeachy · 4 years

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☾ Will He?☽ 《Bakugo and Izuku X Reader》 Pt.2

Song: Will he - Joji

Hey bitches, take some more angst since the first part did tremendously well like holy shit-

I got knots all up in my chest.

You had been staying at Izuku’s house for the past week, and your days had consisted of crying, sleeping, working, and crying some more. Sometimes, Izuku managed to make you laugh, but for the most part, you had been stuck in a depressive state. Explaining to your receptionist what was going on, she was in the process of helping you issue a public statement saying you were no longer with the number two hero.

It was difficult to accept the fact that the Bakugo you once knew wasn’t the same Bakugo anymore. You two had been together for five years, so it was only understandable that you were hurting, but there were so many other things you were feeling. You felt anger at the fact he thought you were stupid enough to allow him to get away with it. You felt scared of the public and how they’d react, as well as the press. You felt so much disgust with yourself for allowing him to kiss you while being suspicious of another woman. Most of all, however, you were disappointed. Not in him, but yourself. You had played up this act, this lie that he had continued for two months, because you were too scared of the truth. You were scared of change, because he was all you ever knew. That wasn’t who you were.

Just know, I’m trying my best

You’d been recovering since the breakup, Izuku by your side. Slowly, he helped you back onto your feet, not financially, but emotionally. You were grateful every day for what he had done for you. He helped you the night you released your official statement, hugging you close as you cried into his chest. He took you out with your friends so you’d feel a little better, and he tried his best to do little things for you. Even though he was the number 1 hero, he still managed to remember things like your favorite candy or what kind of conditioner you preferred. It shocked you, to be honest. Bakugo never seemed to remember that kind of stuff.

Slowly, you went back to normal. A month passed since your breakup, and you were no longer holing yourself up in Izuku’s guest bedroom. You started looking for an apartment, and slowly, you felt yourself getting better. You were going to miss living with Izuku, but you were searching for something close by so you could still visit him whenever you wanted.

Currently, you were waiting for Izuku to meet up with you at your favorite café. He was going to help you pick an apartment complex today, and you were excited to see him as he had been working nonstop all week.

It had been fun, living with Izuku. You enjoyed being able to crack jokes while he cooked dinner and share a bowl of popcorn while watching mean girls, his unruly hair pushed back by a headband while he had a face mask on. It was funny to see him cranky in the morning, teasing him as you handed him his morning coffee. During the month, you had felt feelings bubble up in your chest for the broccoli-headed boy. You promptly shut those thoughts down. That was Bakugo’s childhood friend, and you were not about to get dragged into a love triangle, if you could call it that.

But when you look

You raised your head as you heard the familiar chime of the café’s entrance bell. Smiling, you got up to hug Izuku and pushed your computer aside. “Hey Y/N!” He said, smiling as he patted your head. You sat down, pulling you computer to your body. “Let’s get started!”.

When you laugh

When you smile

I’ll bring you back

“And then the guy had the audacity to say he didn’t steal anything when I had watched him!” Izuku finished, his story making you cry laughing. You two had finished apartment hunting, your computer closed off to the side as you enjoyed your friend’s company. A smile stayed on your face as you sipped you drink. What you weren’t aware of, was the gaze of a certain ash-blonde male.

He scoffed, his eyes watching you as you gently leaned your head against your hand. You looked at Izuku the same way you looked at him in high school. What was so great about him anyways? He didn’t even have his own quirk. He was nobody compared to...

He watched as you smiled at Izuku with so much love, so much joy. It hurt.

And now I’m sad

And I’m a mess

He knew it was his fault. He shouldn’t have done what he did. Sleeping around with his sidekick was the last thing he thought he was going to do. He knew he could just as easily go to you to get what he want, yet he didn’t. Was he bored? No, he wasn’t- he just thought he was hot shit. He thought that because he had reached number 2 status and you were content with where you were in life that you failed to keep up with him. He thought you went back on your promise.

But you hadn’t.

And now we high

That’s why I left

He stood up, paying for his food as he walked out. You blinked as you saw someone leaving, before making eye contact with him. Katsuki.

You immediately looked at Izuku, your muscles tensing up. “He’s here.” You muttered. He sighed, a mix of sympathy and annoyance mixed on his face. “I don’t know why he’s following you. You aren’t going to go back to him... are you?” He asked, looking at you. Pausing, you sighed. “It’s complicated.” You muttered, folding your hands. “I don’t want to right now, bu-“

“Then dont.” He said. You looked at him. “What?” “Don’t go back. Actually, I have a better idea.” He said, turning away as his cheeks flushed pink. You tilted your head. “What are you talking about, Izu?” You asked.

He looked at you, a small smile on his face. “What would you say if I suggested going on a date?” He asked. You blinked, eyes going wide. “A-a what?” You asked. He immediately waved his hands, getting flustered as he tried to backtrack. “Y-you don’t have to! It hasn’t been very long and I know you’re still probably recovering- oh my god why did I suggest this-“ he said, shooting off into a ramble as you smiled. Grabbing his hand, he stopped to look at you.

“I’d like that, Izuku.”

Humming, you added the finishing touches to your outfit as you combed out your hair. Your date plans were originally to go to a hero museum, however the hero commission decided to schedule a last-minute dinner party to congratulate Izuku on his ranking. You decided to go as his plus-one, and you were currently getting ready to leave.

“Y/N, are you almost- woah...” he said, question falling short as he stared at you. You laughed, getting up and grabbing his keys. “Yeah, let’s go.” You said, handing them to him. He put them in his pocket before holding your face gently. “You look amazing.” He said, a smile gracing his delicate features as you blushed. “Thanks- um... let’s go.” You said, gently moving his hands off so he wouldn’t see how embarrassed you were. He laughed, pulling his keys out and following you.

Will your tongue still remember the taste of my lips?

You knew he was going to be there. It was only inevitable. What you didn’t know, however, was that he was bringing her. Akemi Futara. You felt your skin crawl as she stared at you, like she had won a prize and was showing it off to the losing player. It made you sick, thinking of how you kissed him when he had gotten home after fucking her, and she knew that.

Sighing, you leaned into Izuku’s side, causing him to glance at you before giving you a sympathetic look. “I know, I know. If you want, I-I can ask for them to lea-“ “I’m fine. I know he’s your friend. She’s just annoying.” you muttered, closing your eyes. The people that kept coming up to interact with you and Izuku were giving you a headache. You could feel Bakugo’s stare on you, causing you to feel uncomfortable. He eyed you like you were still his.

“Izuku, kiss me please.” You said, causing him to turn to you sharply. A blush exploded across his face, and his eyes went wide. “I-I- whAt?” He stuttered, causing you to sigh. “Bakugo won’t take the hint. He’s gonna try to talk to me.” You muttered. “I just need to make him understand that I’ve moved on, so kiss me. You’re a grown man, so it’s not hard.” You teased. He gulped. Leaning down, he gave you a quick peck on the cheek. You huffed. “What the hell-“ “I don’t think we should kiss out of spite. I... I want it to be special, if we do...” he muttered shyly. You paused before smiling at him. “Izu, you’re adorable.” you giggled.

Will your shadow remember the swing of my hips?

Bakugo watched as you had fun, dancing your heart out with your friends. He felt envy as he watched Izuku struggle to groove with you. He watched as you took his hands and tried your best to teach him, slowly helping him understand. To say he was mad was an understatement. No, he was angry- pissed even. You dumped him and now you’re going after the guy he’s known since childhood? How low of a blow could you deal?

Jealousy was eating away at his core. He felt the same jealousy as he watched Izuku get everything he had wanted in life. Why couldn’t he have that? Why did it need to be him? As he grew in ranks, he distanced himself from you to work better, and you were okay with that. But he wanted more. He wanted to climb and climb and go higher and higher, but you had been content right where you were. You promised him you’d keep up with his pace, but as you brought up the thoughts you had of marriage, he realized that you wanted him to settle down with you.

And he didn’t want that.

Will your lover caress you the way that I did?

He realized as Izuku gently held your hands that he was wrong about everything. He should have just settled down. You were all he wanted in someone, and yet somehow, he wanted more. He was so greedy that he failed to see that what he had was the best he could get. He never gave you what you needed, yet he thought that he needed more.

Will you notice my charm if he slips up one bit?

He watched you go over to the bar and get a drink of water, chest heaving from how much dancing you had done. Getting up, he looked over to where Akemi was socializing before going over to you.

You saw him, cringing as you immediately turned your back to him. You didn’t want to deal with this tonight. It was supposed to be a night for you and Izuku, with no problems in the way. You watched as he took a seat next to you at the bar, ordering a drink before turning to you.

Cause I don’t need to know, I just wanna make sure you’re okay

“How are you?” He asked quietly, causing you to scoff. How were you? Fucking great, right now, but a month ago you were a damn wreck. Rolling your eyes, you looked down at your drink. “Im great. I can tell you are too, with that Akemi girl.” You said, matter of fact. He paused before nodding, despite it being far from the truth.

Cause I don’t need to know, I just wanna make sure you’re all safe

“He hasn’t hurt you, has he?” He asked. You turned to him. “If he did, I wouldn’t be here. Frankly, the only person in this room that’s hurt me is you.” You said, before turning away from him. “Please leave me alone, Katsuki. I don’t want to talk to you.” You muttered. He went quiet, his eyes staring into your back without faltering. After a bit, he closed his eyes and got up, moving away from you as he went to go talk to his friends. You sighed before feeling a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m proud of you.” Izuku said softly, gently rubbing circles into your shoulder. You smiled. You were proud of yourself too.

Will he play you those songs just the way that I did?

Izuku fumbled as he grabbed a guitar pick, sitting crossed-legged across from you on your bed. He had picked up learning how to play in his free time, and he wanted to show you what he knew.

Rain hit the windows quietly as he started to play you your favorite song, causing you to smile. He was so thoughtful, and he had shown you as much throughout the month you and him had spent dating.

Your memories with Bakugo were forever burned into your brain, but that was in the past. You had Izuku now. And that’s all you needed.

He started to sing quietly, smiling as you joined in. You watched his calloused hand stroke the guitar with such care. It made your heart flutter, how he was so built yet so gentle.

You heard a knock at your apartment door, causing you to go quiet as you looked at him. “Did you invite Uraraka over?” He asked curiously. You shook your head, watching as he set his guitar aside on the bed carefully. “I’ll get it. He muttered, moving to get up, but you stopped him. “It’s fine, I got it. Just relax.” You said, kissing his cheek before getting up and making your way to the door. Unlocking it, you pulled it open.

“Y/N.” Bakugo said, ruby eyes meeting yours. You blinked. What the hell was he doing here? It was raining, for Christ’s sake!

You frowned. “What is it, Bakugo.” You said, using his name formally. He cringed. It was like you never knew him. “I need to talk to you. Please, let me in.” He said. You had never seen him so desperate.

Will he play you so strong just the way that I did?

You huffed, crossing your arms. “Whatever you need to tell me better be short and sweet.” You said, opening the door as he stepped inside. You stopped him before he sat down on your couch. “You can stand.” You said coldly.

Clearing his throat, he looked you in the eyes.

“I want you back Y/N.”.

Will he treat you like shit just the way that I did?

You felt yourself go numb as he started to apologize in his stereotypical way. “I was an asshole, and I’m sorry.” He said. You could hear your ears ringing as you stared at him. Who the hell did he think he was?

“It took you two months to work past your pride and apologize? Are you kidding me?” You said angrily, causing him to huff. “I never apologize for anything, so this just shows how much I care.” “No, it shows how much of a fucking asshole you are!”

Cause I don’t blame you.

Growling, he balled his hands up as he started to shout back. “Why can’t you ever just listen to me?” He said. You laughed. “You don’t deserve that after you cheated on me and then apologized two months later after I had already moved on!” You shouted. You heard Izuku come down the hallway, seeing Bakugo argue with you. He gave him a look he rarely gave anyone. It was one of anger.

Cause I don’t need to know, I just wanna make sure you’re okay

“Get out.” He said coldly. Bakugo turned to him, anger evident in his eyes. “What the hell did you just say to me, Deku?” He sneered, causing you to glare at him. “I said get out. You’ve overstayed your welcome with my partner.” He responded. You watched as the realization hit Bakugo like a brick. He lost.

You finally knew you were worth more than him.

Cause I don’t need to know, I just wanna make sure you’re all safe.

You watched as he left quietly, shutting the door behind him. Izuku was still tense from the confrontation, and you went over to him. Touching his face gently, you gave him a sweet kiss on the lips. He turned red, immediately relaxing. “What was that for?” He asked. You smiled. “It was for defending me. Thank you for everything, Izuku.” You said softly. He smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist. “It’s my pleasure.” He said, kissing your temple.

You will always have memories of Bakugo.

But now, you had Izuku.

#bnha izuku midoriya #izuku midoria x reader #midoriya izuku #midoriya x reader #izuku x reader #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugo x reader #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo katuski x reader #midoriya Izuku x reader #bnha angst #mha angst #bnha fluff #mha fluff #bnha scenarios #bnha angst fic

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shyrose57 · 3 years

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2: At first? No. Ran was the first one who noticed when something was off but Ranbob brushed it off as him being tired. Though when he saw that his brother was still acting that way he kept checking in, til "Ranbob" eventually snapped at him one day, scaring and hurting Ran enough to get him to stop. His parents and Lias and Memi also noticed, but Lias and Memi didn't ask as often because Ran told them not too, and when Memi asked Ranbob gently told her its ok and to not worry. Lias was hesitant to accept this but eventually did, with Ranbob promising to tell him if something was wrong, a promise he sadly broke. Ranbob was close to his family, especially his younger siblings, and loved to play and study with them. He had a lot of friends at first that he played games with and joked around with. Though after he started to get out under more pressure and the introduction of Dream he got distant, lost all of his friends (even though he still cared for them), didn't play with Lias or Memi nearly as much, started skipping dinners and not talking to his parents or Ran. And when Dream was mostly and fully in control, he stopped talking at all, and ignored everyone. Lias desperately tried to get him to talk but that just resulted in a harsh stare with a silent promise, Memi tried to hug him, which he then pushed her away, and when Ran tried one last time to talk to him, but "Ranbob" just punched him and walked away. When his parents tried one very last time to intervene, that's when it got fatal. The Gladiators where horrified at what they read, finding it hard to believe and making them sick to their stomach. Benjamin caught them reading it, though he simply sadly smiled at them and said, "I read it too. Its horrible isn't it? He didn't deserve to go through that. But we'll help him. We'll help him be free and be himself again, I promise you, and everyone else. We'll save him." They felt like they where staring at a ghost, it was unnerving, to see such a happy and young Ranbob, knowing what will happen to him that will wipe him clean of all happiness. And it felt disrespectful when they caught sights of Ranya, Seth, Lias, and Memi. Cause they never knew them, and now they where looking into the such happy and gleeful eyes of dead people who don't know the torture their son and brother is going through. (And that went for everyone)

3: This is literally Ran's mentally when it comes to being stabbed, "I've been stabbed multiple times before and I haven't died. Therefor, I am immortal." Yes he is :). He gets threatened with Benjamin because if Benjamin finds out he isn't eating or sleeping Benjamin will force him to eat every bite of a full meal and force him to go to bed, sitting next to him and reading to him until he falls asleep. Which sounds nice, but considering Ranbob doesnt want to "bother" them, its a threat to him. Raq will always cause problems, he's a expert tracker and because of that he's able to hunt the groups down. He often will pop out of nowhere and attack the group, chasing them down until someone turns around and attacks him. Often Ran attacks him by looking Raq directly in his eyes, causing him to flee. Cause even though Raq wants to get Ran, he knows very well if they make eye contact he will lose a battle no matter what he does, so its best to run and attempt to blind him at a later point. Ran his very happy to be on the road again, and if Ranbob wasn't there (who's keeping Ran on edge and preventing him from fully enjoying the trip, though its mostly just Ran doing it to himself), he would be non-stop talking and running ahead of the group. But even with Ranbob there he's happy to finally be moving again.

4: The gladiators did not witness it first hand, rather they heard screaming and went to check it out, worried and alarmed. And when Ranbob went into the depressive state did Benjamin come over to them and explain what was going on and what was going to happen. When then Jackie offered to help keep Ranbob company while Grievous and Watson offered to go along with Cletus to find Ran. When they heard the scream Jackie was scared and nervous, Grievous was anxious and on edge, Watson was calm yet curious, and Ran was mad and on edge. And when they found out what happened, Jackie felt bad and sympathetic, Grievous felt sad and a bit guilty, Watson was sympathetic and felt bad for him, and Ran was pissed.

5: Isaac and Benjamin just kinda accepted it and went "Yes he is like a lost puppy and we love him for that.", Charles was embarrassed and instead of responding properly he muttered out an excuse and left, cause he was not expecting to be confronted with Ranbob being like a puppy at all and didn't know how to respond, and Cletus just stuck his tounge out and blew raspberries. And Ranbob was just purely embarrassed.

6: Actually first thing Ranbob got when he arrived to the fishermen house was wrapped up in multiple fluffy blankets and had a hot chocolate shoved in his hands. Also whenever he goes into a depressive episode or wants to go back the fishermen just bring out emergency blankets and quickly make either hot chocolate or tea and Ranbob loves it every single time.

7: Ranbob is mixed, he loves it being back as it reminds him of such good times, but it also doesn't feel right when Charles says it because Ran was the one who made it. It only sounds right when Ran says it. Ran is angry that Ranbob is letting someone else call him Bobby (which he is also sad about), but is also mad that he's mad that someone else is using it. But he's also happy its being used again, and is happy to see Ranbob still enjoys it. Grievous of course notices it, but doesnt look into it, and so does Watson but he also doesn't ask about it, determing it to be something the brothers themselves have to talk about.

8:Because if it was Porkius or literally anyone else, they wouldn't of helped and would've watched happily as the two fought, waiting until one fell and even encouraging the fight. But they also jumped into the area from the stands and Cletus specifically placed himself between the two, pushing Ran back and yelling at him (which rarely anyone does) when Benjamin then came up to try to calm the raging enderman down, while Charles checked on Ranbob, and Isaac kept look out for any sudden movements between the two so he could intercept the potential attack. Plus when Isaac saw the other group approaching he ran to meet them, asking if they knew Ran and when they said yes, quickly stating a plan to safely restrain Ran long enough until Ranbob was taken to safety. Then leaving Ran to the group, but also saying how he wanted to talk later.

10: Sounds like the certain town just may be the ruins of the Greater SMP. So I'll probably have Wilburs Decendent (which I dont currently have a name for, if anyone has one please feel free to suggest one!) As a popular performer there and also the towns historian, so when our groups get there Wilbur is able to provide information about Dream, Ranboo, basically everyone and the history of the SMP. Most likely going be a part of the story when Ran truly starts to slowly believe that his brother didn't meant to do everything he did.

11: Yep, he knows Ranboo used to have bad memory (not how bad it was, just that it was bad) but he's never read it because Mizu never had the actual book, it was only told in tales and stories that Mizu had. If that makes sense. Ranbob will get plenty more hugs I promise you, though that also means he gets hurt more.

12: Kinda but also cause I enjoy writing angst.

Ok ok here's some fluff: These all take place a good week or 2 (or longer) after Ran forgives his brother and the relationship gets better. Watson walks in on the two sharing a blanket and sleeping against eachother. With them leaning on eachother and leaving almost no space between them. Ran finally calls Ranbob Bobby again and Ranbob cries and hugs his brother tightly, Ran is shocked but quickly hugs back just as tightly. Ranbob gets to finally pull a big brother move and tease Ran about his "nerdy" habit of reading so many books, Ran tries to fire back that Ranbob literally picked a idol that requires you to be a bookworm but he simply shoots back that Technoblade also requires you to be a bookworm. Its been spotted multiple times of either Ran or Ranbob having their tail wrapped around his brothers wrist or leg, and the two aren't very far apart now. Jackie jokes about being replaced by Ranbob and being heartbroken, basically draping himself over Ran and whining while everyone else laughs at Rans distress. Ran and Ranbob eventually agree to merge their two hauntings, which is extremely rare and is the biggest sign of trust and love there is in enderman language. Ran reads to Ranbob one night after a bad relapse, which ends up soothing Ranbob much sooner than anything else.

I also have a more mythical idea of fluff that probably wont be in the main story, but im willing to share it if you want.

2: Only his family noticed? Dang, okay. I’m irrationally attached to his siblings now that they have names, and this only hurts me. Do the gladiators have any noticeable changes in behavior towards Ranbob and Ran after reading it? Also, who may Ranya and Seth be? I don’t believe I saw them mentioned earlier.

3: Technically, he’s right. He hasn’t died yet, anon, and he’s been stabbed multiple times, he could very well be immortal. I guess he should probably do his best to not get stabbed again though, I hear it’s kind of bad for you.

Ranbob: *Not doing something he should do for his own health*

Benjamin: *Self Care But As A Threat(Gently)*

Ranbob:

Ranbob: *Does it*

Also, even though I acknowledge that Raq could be a genuine threat, all I can imagine are Team Rocket shenanigans. He keeps trying to blind him in various, complicated ways, and fails hilariously. One time he actually manages to do it only for Jackie to take him out or for him to turn around and accidentally look Ranbob straight in the eyes cause the poor hybrid was trying to knock him out without a fight.

4: Yikes, that must have been pretty scary, just hearing everything go down. If I may ask, what exactly happened with Ranbob? You said there was screaming?

5: Well, at least everyone’s come to terms with it. Ran uses people as tote bags, and Ranbob is the local puppy, and it is what it is.

6: Very good! He needs it! Also, do they just keep them on hand? Just-he looks a tiny bit sad and Benjamin pulls blanket and tea out of thin air and burritos him.

7: Aww. But also, ouch. Oh well. At least we can get Ran eventually picking the nickname up again.

8: Oh? Interesting. Sounds like these guys are pretty quick on their feet. I can see why it’d impress the gladiators.

10: That? Sounds so cool? Oh, I really like that honestly, I can’t wait to see where you take that.

11: Neat. Is that where he got the idea for his diary, or? And why? Why must we suffer in order to take comfort from the kinder things in life? Why can’t Ranbob just have hugs without pain?

12: Did you genuinely just admit to aiming for my feelings with that last one?! Anon, how could you! I’ve been injured! My heart, Anon!

13: AWWWW. To all of this. So fluffy, and cute! Just what we needed, thank you! Also, more fluff, you say? Please share, we need all the fluff we can get.

Have a good week, Brothers Anon, and thank you for the lovely fluff, and equally lovely pain. I’m excited for more!

#Brothers AU #dream smp au #dream smp #tales from the smp #the lost city of mizu #ran #ranbob

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

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okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique.

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

#be more chill #bmc #actuallyautistic #autistic headcanons #long post #be more neurodivergent #queue are so busted

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collective-laugh · 5 years

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Detective AU - Muriel x MC Chapter 3

Chapter One Chapter Two

Taglist: @a-zoidberg-aesthetic @lesbiancountess @fartkittyonline@yaysam @y-all-dnt-ve @countgoatman-and-drleechboy @julians-chest-hair @softarcana @vesuviass @caterpiller-tea@zaemoultrie75901 @saltywerewolfrebel @obsessedwiththearcana@thatsaltyseaman @xburningwitch @i-dont-speak-wolf @missrabbitart

Chapter Three: Morality

Muriel lights a cigarette as soon as she’s locked the front door, turning the neon lights off as she hugs herself, arms wrapped around her torso and the heavy winter coat that covers her. She eyes the cigarette a moment, taking her bottom lip between her teeth, but says nothing, following him as they make their way down the street.

The only light is that of the street lamps and the soft glow of the cigarette, and he has half a mind to offer what’s left of it to her.

The half of his mind screaming at him to fork it over wins, and he holds the little burning stick to her. She eyes it, a bemused little smirk on her lips, before accepting the half smoked cigarette, “Thanks.”

He hesitates, unsure of what he ought to say, so he settles on a late, “Don’t mention it.”

She eyes him, obviously still thinking about what had just happened in her office, though he was certain she was trying to read his mind; tear him apart, bit by bit and understand just what the hell he was.

“I haven’t been out in...forever.” She smiles, a million miles away, “Thanks for letting me tag along.”

He’s blushing a thousand shades of red, he’s certain and lights himself another cigarette so he can busy his hands. Instead of saying anything smooth or suave or...charming, like the guys in the pictures, he says, “You don’t have to keep thanking me for everything.”

She rolls her eyes, sucking on the end of the cigarette with renewed vigor, “You sound like Asra.” He thinks of saying something along the lines of how they were raised together, but she continues, “I think that all the good people in this world deserve to be thanked for the good things they do.”

Immediately, he says, “I’m not a good guy.”

She arches a brow, challenging him, obviously not believing him in the slightest, “Really? You’ve given me no evidence to believe anything else.”

“You don’t exactly know me.”

She stops in the middle of the sidewalk, holding her arms out like she was the Christ, and says, “Okay. Prove me wrong.”

He tries not to smile, watching the way her eyes light up while she challenges him, “I’m gonna be late for work.”

She grins, smug as he’d ever seen any one person, “I don’t know if I believe in good and bad people, but I do think people are more inclined to one or the other.”

“And what makes you think I’m any good?”

She shrugs, “Asra trusts you, and you took me out to dance when I complained about missing it. So…” She tosses the butt of her cigarette into a puddle on the side of the road, “I think you’re a good person, and you deserve to be thanked.”

Muriel pouts, not willing to argue with her and not willing to believe that he was a good person, especially with the things he’s done. He pushes his hands into his pockets, letting the cigarette dangle from his lips, and he considers the idea that morality could really be so black and white.

It was unlikely, and the idea depresses him anyway.

They walk in awkward, companionable silence for a long minute, Muriel doing his best to come up with something to say to break the pause in conversation. He finishes his cigarette, considering lighting up another one right away, but thinks better of it.

“Tell me something about yourself, Muriel.” She prompts, wringing her hands together before explaining, “We’ve known each other for years, and I hardly know anything about you.”

He hesitates, and nearly refuses her completely. Instead, he mutters, “...like what?”

“Like…” She stretches the word far longer than she needed to, “what do you like to do in your spare time?”

Muriel furrows his brow, as if he genuinely didn’t know what he liked to do when he wasn’t working or sleeping, and realizes that that’s the extent of the things he does. “I have a dog.” He offers, hoping that that might satiate her questions for now, rather than her pressing him for more about him.

She is a detective, after all, and he should have known that as soon as he gave her an inch, she’d try to take a mile, “Really? So you like animals?” He can’t tell if she’s genuinely trying to be nice or if she’s picking his brain apart.

He shrugs, “Yeah.”

She bites her lip, and then asks, “Do you have a favorite flower?” She must realize that it’s an otherwise outlandish question and adds, “Asra told me you like to preserve them.”

He wonders just how much Asra’s told her about him, but by way of answering, he pulls out a small, pressed flower from his back pocket, and she pauses, looking it over with a soft smile, “Forget-me-nots.” He explains, feeling a little ridiculous for carrying the damn thing around and showing her.

She smiles, wide and bright and honest, and says, “It’s beautiful.”

He shoves it back in his pocket, embarrassment flushing across his face, and he shrugs, “It’s okay.”

She pauses again, racking her brain for another question, before settling on, “Is there anything you want to know about me?”

He asks the first question that comes to mind, “Where are you from?”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

“Oh, I don’t actually remember that. I get...flashes, you know? Little memories.” She shrugs, “Asra tried to tell me a couple of times, but whenever I start remembering things, I get these migraines that just…” She shakes her head and rolls her eyes, “kill me.”

Muriel swallows, hard enough for his Adam’s apple to bob, and he feels shitty for asking something about the one touchy thing, bringing up the worst possible subject he could have gone for. She doesn’t look offended, surprisingly, but that does little to quell the shame bubbling in Muriel’s chest. He feels like shit, like he ought to apologize, but the words turn to ash on his tongue, unsure of how she’d feel about that.

“What do you think of the whole...Nadia thing?” She asks, blessedly changing the subject. It’s something neither of them were too keen on brooching, but he found it favorable to the hole he’d dug himself in.

“I think it’s a case.” He shrugs, “It’s from a mob wife. You’ll be paid handsomely.” It was a no-brainer, considering the hole that she and Asra found themselves in, but the implications of the law gave her pause, for good reason.

They spend the rest of the walk in silence, and Muriel is thankful for that.

The Rowdy Raven lives up to its name, at least in the idea of being rowdy. It was loud, far more than Muriel would ever find himself comfortable with, but he had to afford food somehow, and working at this dump was the safest bet.

He isn’t surprised to see Dr. Devorak there as he slips in the back door, the detective only a step and a half behind him, and he sighs, knowing he’d have to kick him out within the hour if he got too, well, rowdy.

“What time do you get off?”

He realizes for the first time that she came with him with the intent of staying for the rest of the night. It was nine o’clock now, and he wouldn’t get off until five, and given the big day she had tomorrow, she needed to get some semblance of rest.

Fuck, he dug himself into a hole.

“Not until five.” He swears internally, wondering how he could have forgotten that she needed an escort home, and that he wouldn’t be there to protect her from Vesuvia, “But I’ll find someone to walk you home before then.” He promises, trying to think of someone, anyone who he knew well enough to bring her back to the office.

He’s not happy with who he comes up with, but he figures he has no other option.

She arches a brow, challenging him again, “You think I need someone to walk me home?”

It’s late, and he’s definitely not in the mood to argue with her over the fact that Vesuvia would chew her up and spit her back out, so all he does is hand her a few crumpled bills from his pocket and says, “Enjoy yourself. I’ll send someone soon.”

He’s gone before she can protest or complain, clocking in and taking his post by the front door, taking over for Brudmila, and she’s left inside, money in hand. Ultimately, she decides that the best idea is to make her way for the bar. Muriel gave her money, for some reason, and she figures she ought to enjoy herself tonight before whatever tomorrow was going to bring her.

“Can I have a mai tai, please?” She orders, feeling small, but she was determined to have a good time.

The bartender nods at her, accepting her money, and as she waits for her drink, she hears, “Well, well, well, what have we here?” She would have rolled her eyes, would have scoffed and ignored the man, had she not known exactly who the owner of the poorly masked Russian accent was.

Julian tries - he really does - to hide the fact that he wasn’t from the States, but despite of his many, many talents, hiding his native dialect was not one of them.

“How are the headaches, detective?” Julian asks, leaning against the bar.

She shrugs, smiling at her friend, “Tolerable. How’s work?”

“Steady.” Julian waves the bartender over and orders a Salty Bitter, “And yourself? How’s work?”

She thanks the bartender for their drinks and takes a long, well deserved drink from the mai tai, eyes widening reflexively, “Nonexistent. No one seems to be looking for anyone anymore.”

Julian scoffs, “No one knows where to look for their missing people.” Julian nudges her with his elbow, “You need to get out of that hole in the wall and into an actual job.”

She rolls her eyes, “Right, because those old geezers are gonna hire me.” She waves at herself harshly, “The best I’d get is to be a goddamn receptionist.”

Julian shrugs, “It’s actual work, though.”

He had a point.

She sighs, “I didn’t come here tonight to depress myself.”

He waggles his eyebrows, “You came with talk, dark, and broody, hm?”

“And I didn’t come to talk about him.” She cuts him off sharply, doing her best not to smile, “Dance with me, doctor?”

“Gladly.”

Muriel has to break up a fight between two assholes within the first half hour of his shift, but it doesn’t stop him from keeping tabs on her, making sure that she’s alright. He doesn’t want to over stept, and certainly doesn’t want to send her home with Doctor Devorak, considering how drunk he knew the doctor was bound to get.

When he sees them dancing, he notices just how good they look together.

He tries to focus on his work.

#arcana #the arcana #the arcana game #muriel #detective au #muriel detective au #detective #muriel x mc #slowburn #muriel x apprentice #muriel x female apprentice #tw swearing #swearing #fluff #muriel the arcana

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thefeckisthis · 4 years

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manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended to their culture. so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist." and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that.

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism.

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation.

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it.

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you.

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

#new post #manifestation #law of attraction #universe #believe #follow #Followme #follow for follow #fun #religion #thoughts

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yaz-the-spaz · 5 years

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I'm sure you've noticed me stalking your blog these past two days lol and I have another question if you dont mind. In my last ask you said you had some theories about zayn leaving ot4vszayn etc and I was wondering if you would expand upon them? If you dont want to write it all out, you can point me towards certain tags or other blogs if you want. I've been looking through your tags and have found a lot but I wanted to know if there is something that might be more like a timeline of sorts? Thx!!

hey there! here i finally am, so sorry to have kept you waiting but i hope this reply finds you well! :)

now onto your questions…

so as far as a timelines @bakagamieru has some really good masterposts (x, x) that i would recommend checking out that really break things down play-by-play and i think most of which was compiled as it was happening so it’s a super great (and super detailed) documentation of all the shit that was going down during that period and all the narrative inconsistencies and stunts and back and forth, etc. they’re quite long though and, like i said, very detailed so i would recommend making sure you have plenty of time on your hands before you get sucked down a masterpost and link rabbit hole lol

and for more thoughts/theories of mine i would say check my zayn vs. ot4 tags (x, x - sorry there’s multiple iterations of this, apparently sometimes i had put a period after vs and sometimes i didn’t and now i have two tags smh at my own damn irritating inconsistency)

now onto the meat of your question, which is my current theories on zayn leaving/the zayn vs. ot4 narrative which i’m gonna put as a read more cause i’m not in the mood for ppl coming for me if they disagree, so read at your own risk folks…

so over the years there’s four main theories that i’ve personally gone back and forth over, which i’m gonna summarize quickly and try and explain as succinctly as i can my thoughts on each one and my opinion on the likelihood of it holding credence

disclaimer before i get into the explanations - a large part of my reasoning has to do with the caveat of there possibly being any kind of real tension or bad blood between zayn and louis in particular or any of the other boys. not saying that it was necessarily actually the case, just that it was a potential factor that went into my rationale and personal mental debate over the whole situation

he was coerced in some shape or form to leave and instead of fighting it, went along with it (maybe b/c he was already unhappy) - if there ever was actually any real animosity between him and louis (or harry/niall), this could explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him b/c he might have felt that zayn could’ve/didn’t fight hard enough or went along with it too easily. but all that aside, even if there was no tension between him and louis/the boys, this option makes a lot of sense because given all he talked about going through in the band (depression, the e.d., too much pressure, not having control or being able to do what he wanted, the intense and rampant closeting putting a strain on his relationship, etc.) it’s not hard to see how he might’ve felt this was the best and only option

he was coerced into leaving, tried to fight it but couldn’t (and possibly even knew for a while that it was coming) - this wouldn’t explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him but instead does put more credence into the fact that that was completely contrived and pushed by mgmt, and is also just as likely as #1 to me for pretty much the same reasons, not to mention it explains some shady things that happened in the months leading up to it re him not being there for certain promo obligations and appearances, etc.

he was coerced into leaving and had absolutely no choice about it and no way to fight it (i.e. didn’t necessarily want to leave but still knew for a while that it was coming) - pretty much same reasoning as above for this one, the only difference being that in this scenario he wouldn’t have wanted to leave at all which given all he went through i just don’t know if i believe that was wholly the case (more on this below)

he chose to leave completely on his own - although it would explain any lingering animosity, this to me is the least likely in large part because i just have a hard time believing he would have chosen all on his own to just up and leave in the middle of a tour, not to mention been allowed to (esp given that they would’ve all known they had the hiatus coming up not long after and were about to go the countries where zayn specifically probably have had the biggest following/fan support - the middle east and north africa). but even if he hypothetically really did choose it all on its own it’s hard for me to believe that he would have even been able to leave like that unless there was some element of complacency from their mgmt that allowed it to happen and then you have to wonder why would they just let 1/5 of their biggest money maker walk away with no law suits, no drama, no nothing. it stinks of a larger plan at play which is what brings me back to the theories above.

those are the main theories that i’ve gone back and forth on and i’ve never really been able to settle on just one, but to me given all that he expressed after leaving the most likely are the first two. i think all of the boys were pretty much done with how they were being treated, but zayn especially so, and it’s very easy for me to see how, when the opportunity arose he might have accepted because he felt it was the best way to save himself (as in his mental and physical health) and possibly also his relationship, though whether that acceptance was with a little (theory #1) or lot (theory #2) of initial opposition on his part, who’s to say. however, i definitely believe that, regardless of the details, there was some element of seeding and/or coercion from tptb, esp when considered in context with the shadiness of certain things, like him not being at certain events that he should’ve legally been obligated to be at in the months leading up to his leaving if no one but him knew he was planning on leaving. or him crying at the last concert that he performed at. those do not seem to be like the actions of a man who wanted to leave completely of his own accord and without any degree of finessing by mgmt to orchestrate it. when you’re a mega popstar in the biggest band in the world you don’t just not show up to something. that’s the type of situation where people will literally come to your house and drag you out of bed because you’re costing them a shit ton of money (like millions of dollars worth of money) by not being there. there’s tons of stories of rock stars where managers or someone from their team would literally go bang down a missing band member’s door, shove them in the shower to sober them up or help them whatever they needed to do, and drag their ass on stage to perform or to a press event or whatever. so you can bet that nothing less, if not the same, would be done for a missing member of a multi-billion-dollar-making band if need be.

so yeah zayn just not showing up for promo events and performances in the months leading up to his leaving? not believable to me at all. the only conceivable reason for him not to have been there is if mgmt didn’t want him there and the only reason (at least that i can think of) for why you wouldn’t 1/5 of your biggest money-maker to be somewhere he should have been legally obligated to be (and that might’ve cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars for him not to be) is if he wasn’t legally obligated to be there because you were already in the process of phasing him out. ergo it was very likely planned. months in advance. and if it was planned months in advance with the help and orchestration of mgmt then that story of him just deciding to up and leave is complete bs and makes it even more likely to me that there was a level of coercion (because again if 1/5 of your biggest money maker suddenly says to you ‘i wanna leave’ you’re gonna do everything in your power to make him stay so you can keep making money, not help phase him out. unless of course you want him out, which they clearly did.)

one last thing i wanna add is a link to a post i had saved that i feel adds a bit of further credence to all this, it’s nothing concrete but it’s something that helped solidify some things for me when i was a giant ball of confusion over what to believe

anyway, i know that i rambled on forever and this definitely did not end up being as succinct or brief as i had hoped (though lbr when is anything i do ever), but i hope this at least sort of answered your questions and made some amount of sense/was not too incoherent and didn’t completely bore you to death lol

#asks #kurtain-the-cat #my thoughts #zayn vs. ot4 #zayn vs ot4 #zayn leaving #theories #(side note: there's also one more side theory re louis and harry's possible/hypothetical animosity toward zayn #that i didn't include here cause it's super tinhatty and has to do with babygate #but if you're still curious about that after reading all this then we can talk about that too)

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franniexfabs · 4 years

Text

First Meet || Frannie&Gabe

who? @xjoiexgabriel and @franniexfabs what? Gabe and Frannie meeting up for the first time since she’s returned and Frannie getting to see Myles. where? Gymboree when? Saturday afternoon

Frannie

Frannie shakily turned off her car as she pulled into the parking lot of the gymboree. Getting out of the car, she grabbed her purse and headed inside. She could feel eyes on her, probably because she had just walked into a baby gym without a baby. That had to look rather suspicious. Or maybe no one was looking at her at all and she was just being paranoid... Her brain was working in overdrive and she couldn’t stop shaking because of how nervous she was. Finding a seat not too far away from the entrance so she could see when Gabe would come in with Myles. Her fingers dug into the palm of her hand and her leg kept moving up and down as she closed her eyes for a second and took a breath. She tried to remind herself of how hard she had worked to get to this point, to actually feel like she could be worth being in Myles’s life. Everything would work out... right?

Gabe

Gabe had made the short drive to the baby gym. It was a good place to let Myles get his energy out. A good public place to see Frannie once more. Walking in, he held that child's hand as they slowly made their way to frannie. Gabe smiled as he picked up his son and held him. " Thanks for meeting me here. Let's get him checked in, and then we'll talk. "

Frannie

Hearing the door open, her head turned to see Gabe and Myles coming inside. She felt herself stand up from her spot, but had to restrain herself from moving in any other way. What she wanted to do was run over and scoop up her son up into her arms, like she saw Gabe do, but she knew she couldn’t. She smiled at the boy before nodding and following Gabe.

Gabe

Gabe walked with her to check Myles in and set him down in the infant area, watching him start to walk around. Gabe found them a seat inside the area and sat with her. " Listen, we can't keep fighting. We can't do that to him and so I need you to be honest with me about what happened "

Frannie

Her grip tightened on her purse strap as she watched Myles for a moment before following Gabe's lead and sitting down. Her heart was racing as she drew in a breath, completely unsure as to where she should even start, but also wanting to be clear that she never lied to him either. "You're right. You are. It wouldn't be right for him. But I never lied to you. I need you to know that. I literally didn't have any money to stay. I cut myself off from my parents after I told them I was pregnant because they ridiculed me for it and made me feel like I was a horrible person for "letting this happen to me." Between the hospital bills and loans, I was completely in over my head in debts despite living with my aunt and uncle."

Gabe

Gabe sighed some. "You know, if you had asked, I would have helped you with everything. I mean, I know it was a one night stand but I think you'd know I am a better person then to just leave you hanging in all this. Okay, so you needed money. How do you have it now? "

Frannie

"I didn't... I didn't think about it. I could only think about doing it myself, especially after moving out of my parents' place. Like I needed to prove them wrong on my own or something. I know that sounds stupid now." Her eyes glanced down, picking at the nail polish that was already chipping. "I, uh... some of the money came from my aunt as a early Christmas and birthday gift. Some I had in the bank. But the rest I got..." She paused, "I started working at a strip club in Columbus."

Gabe

Gabe was patient as she explained herself. Once she was done, he put his hand on hers. "You don't have to be ashamed of that, I get why you did it or do it, but you have to get this... You just said you were doing to for you. Not for you and Myles, that has me worried." He kept explaining as he looked to their son that was now rocking himself on a toy horse. "He is mine and Vince first priority. Are you ready to put your needs aside and your wants? "

Frannie

Frannie glanced at his hand on hers before furrowing her brow. "Wait, no I didn't. Everything I did, I did for Myles. So Myles could have a decent childhood, I left my parents because I knew they would never accept him, or her.. I obviously didn't know who he was going to be when I first got pregnant." She shook her head, trying to get back on track. "I knew I couldn't go back to school because I needed to use every penny I had to provide for Myles. He was my number one priority for over 17 months, when you combine being pregnant with him and the first 8 months of his life. He was literally the only thing I thought about. I didn't even think about myself for a minute..." She closed her eyes. "But I wasn't connecting with him... my aunt made it look so easy to feed him and get him to sleep and just generally play with him... It- I had postpartum depression."

Gabe

Gabe sighed some, he'd leave the comment about her aunt helping raise him for now. "I'm sorry you went through that and as I've said, I wish I could have been there to help. But we're here now and as I said, Myles has spent 3 months with Vince and I, he's got a routine and he's very bonded to my boyfriend as well s Vince is bonded to him. He feels you're going to come in and push him out of the picture, which I hope you know I'm not going to be okay with."

Frannie

Frannie stayed silent while Gabe talked and even after, looking out at Myles and watching him from where they sat. She didn't know how to respond, really. She would never want to push someone out of his life, but was it bad of her to be confused at how close Gabe's boyfriend was to her- their son? She really knew nothing about Vince; she hadn't met him and she didn't know how serious their relationship was. She knew she was in the wrong in the way she had just brought Myles into Gabe's life and then couldn't stay... but that didn't mean she wasn't allowed an opinion about who was in Myles's life... But that certainly was how it was feeling. If anything, she was the one that felt like she wasn't in the picture... and would rarely be in the picture at any point. This wasn't the first time that Gabe had brought up how 'the three of them had a routine.' How was she supposed to be involved when it was feeling more and more like there wasn't going to be any give? "Glad that's an opinion that's being formed about me..." She said quietly. "Like I said, I'm not a malicious person. I don't want to take anyone out of Myles's life unless they are mistreating him or you for that matter. But, and I'm going to say this now, I hope that the low opinions that you and Vince have about me haven't been conveyed to Myles. He deserves to make his own opinions about the people in his life when he gets older. If he ends up hating me, I want it to be because he doesn't like me and not because he's picked up that Vince and you don't like me. But at any rate, you've been pretty clear that I can't see Myles in any other capacity than this..."

Gabe

Gabe raised brow and sighed. "First off, the opinion I have of you is just a lot of confusion, I didnt know what happened until you told me but we don't discuss things when Myles is around. We talked when he's down for the night and its just us in my room. Myles has his own room. For now, yeah, this is how I'm comfortable letting you see him because until you're stick around, I don't like the idea of getting him so attached then something happening. I'm not saying you're going to but you and I both know we have to be careful whom is in his life. Vince isn't just my boyfriend, Frannie, hes my forever. We've only recently gotten serious but he's very much the person I'm going to marry. I would like you and him to talk, so he can see that you're not malicious towards him and that youre not looking to push him out of Myle's life. Just like if you got serious with someone, I'd want to know them so they knew that we're all equal in Myles' life because we all love him."

Frannie

Frannie chewed on the inside of her cheek while she listened to Gabe. "I'm not leaving again..." She said, knowing that Gabe wouldn't believe her anyways. Part of her wanted to comment on his relationship, but she knew she didn't have any leg to stand on so she just kept quiet. But she would be kidding herself if she didn't feel like she would be in constant battle with the two of them over Myles, whether civil or not. Sitting there with Gabe, she felt more sure of that than anything, not seeing much hope in ever getting to have a decent relationship with Gabe, Vince, or Myles. "I don't think that's something that we will ever need to worry about."

Gabe

'And I believe you but I need to see it." Gabe responded. "Just give it time, I really want this to work for all of us. For you to have just as much time with him as I do. For it all to work out but you have to be willing to work with me, to make it work. It can't be this tug of war. Right now I can't meet you in the middle but I can find ways to start bring you back into his life and I think you and I need to get to know each other better."

Frannie

Her eyes welled up with tears and she looked away from Gabe. "I am sorry, Gabe... for everything..."

Gabe

Gabe pulled her into a hug, letting her get it out. Just then Myles made his way over and collapsed against Gabe's legs. He picked him up and smiled a bit. "Myles, can you say hi, wave hi" the little boy waving and smiling to her.

Frannie

The tears fell down her cheeks as she closed her eyes. Frannie was grateful for the embrace, even if she began to feel weak for breaking down in front of him. Her eyes opened as Myles came over. She quickly wiped away the tears before smiling at him and waving back. "Hi Myles..."

Gabe

"hey its okay he sees you cry, I dont want him to think he need to hide his own emotions." Gabe grinned a bit. "So you're told me about you. Would you like to know more about me?"

Frannie

"You're right... but I'm sure those aren't the last of the tears right now." Frannie nodded, glancing back at Gabe. "Yeah, yeah I would."

Gabe

Setting Myles down, he watched him go off again, babbling the whole way. Gabe turned back to her. "Well I was born and raised in Seattle. My mother was Shannon Beiste and my father, Cooter Menkin. Cooter fooled everyone for years, they thought my family was perfect but it wasn't. Cooter was abusive to my mom, then me and my younger brother, Jack. If the words didn't hurt then he moved to fists. We use to hide the marks but because of him, I took all the sports I could to make myself stronger and because of him its why I want to do everything i can for Myles to have a good life....when i was 7, my mom finally left him, kicked him out and he didn't fight because well, she got the cops involved..." Gabe glancing a way so she could soak it all in. "Then when i was 12, my mom became my dad."

Frannie

Her eyes stayed on Myles while Gabe began to talk again. Frannie turned towards him again, nodding softly at his words. Drawing a breath in, her brow furrowed. "Gabe... I'm so sorry that that all happened... I... I can't even imagine." Now placing her hand on his, she squeezed it gently. "That's a lot to go through at a young age... and I'm sorry that I've made this whole ... situation more difficult than it ever should have been..."

Gabe

Gabe nodded then shrugged. "You're not the only one with a fucked up past. Don't get me wrong when my mom went from Shannon to Sheldon, i was happy for him. He found whom he really was and that was all the better but still....I just, I want you to understand that I'm not some asshole frat boy or jock. I'm not like other people and that when you showed up with Myles, I really couldnt not have been happier. If for no reason then I do want kids and hes just so amazing."

Frannie

"Gabe..." Frannie paused. "I never thought that of you... I wouldn't have slept with you if I did. I mean, I know I make questionable choices, but... I just freaked out because of- I don't know. I knew you weren't some horrible person but I was afraid of what would happen if you knew. Like... maybe you'd think less of me or want me to get rid of it or... I don't know. It was stupid. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have decided not to tell you when I got pregnant."

Gabe

Gabe nodded some, just looking at his son. "Well I know now and we're going to work on this. But I just want to make sure you understand that Vince, he has as much rights as we do, okay? Now we only got 20 minutes left if you want to go play with him before we leave."

Frannie

"Yes, I understand... I'll- I'll reach out to him after I leave here. I promise. I want this to work." Frannie's eyes widened as she looked over at Gabe. "Wait, really? I can go and do that? Are- Are you sure?"

Gabe

"Thank you and he might be upset, so just remember its fear as well" Gabe nodded. "Just keep away from calling yourself mommy right now, I'm not taking that from you, just want him to get use to you first."

Frannie

"I'll- I'll just explain everything that I did to you and see what happens then." Her face lit up as she nodded. It hurt that she couldn't tell the boy that she was his mom, but she understood. "Thanks, Gabe..." Her eyes welled up again. "Seriously, thank you." She walked over towards Myles and squatted down next to him, asking him what he was doing.

Gabe

Gabe smiled back. "You're welcome, now go." Sitting back, he watched as they played together. He knew Myles would have some idea as to whom she was but at the same time, time changes things. The time seemed to tick by and soon, he was coming over to them. "its time to." Gabe picking Myles up and holding him on his hips.

Frannie

Frannie's heart had felt so full as she played with Myles. His hands grabbed hers a few times to help him over some of the equipment and for a brief second, she forgot how she had messed everything up. She let out a soft sigh when Gabe scooped their son up. "Bye Myles. Thank you for letting me play with you. You're a lot of fun!"

Gabe

Gabe made Myles wave and gave her a quick hug. "Thank you for talking to me. We'll work on this together." With that, Gabe told her bye once more. "I'll text you when I get a chance." Leaving Frannie, he felt a bit better about it all but he knew it would be an up hill climb.

#paras #xjoiexgabriel #tw: abandonment #tw: postpartum depression #tw: depression #tw: abuse #tw: child abuse

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eyecicles · 5 years

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i'm autistic...i've known for about 6 years now, and i was diagnosed pretty late (17) and in secret. my mom doesnt believe in autism, calls it "all in my head", and she doesnt take the resulting depression and anxiety seriously either. she yells at me for everything i've come to learn has to do with my autism, and claims to have read and researched everything but i know she hasnt (or if she has, its been 1 or 2 unreliable articles) /1

whenever i break and tell her she’s yelling at me for something outside of my control (for example, being uncomfortable with sudden changes in plans or making eye contact) she starts talking about how if i keep saying it to myself i’ll never get better and i should acknowledge the problem and stuff like that. she doesnt want me to go to therapy and if i must, its gonna be someone she picks out and i really dont want to go there

im kinda scared of therapy as it is because ive lived my whole life this way and im worried that i’ll lose bits of my personality if i start to change (even if its for the better) and i dont want to go but i also know that i should, and i also really want an official diagnosis from someone whose opinion actually counts (because mine sure as fuck doesnt) so that my parents could get off my back about these things. im really confused about how to explain shit to them

and how to approach this whole thing because im so tired of having to constantly adapt to every new thing she insists on especially when im not mentally ready for it. she doesnt take my mental health seriously or considers it a priority and then tries to act like she cares (she does care, i know that, but her approach is all wrong) but refuses to take my opinion on it anyway, even tho im clearly the one suffering most. ive even told her (after a long time) that she hurts me but she wont stop

im sorry to dump this all on you but none of my friends have problems like this and my family doesnt believe in MIs because of the stigma around them here, and i dont know who else to ask for advice from. if you could give me anything at all, i’d appreciate it so much

_____________________________________________________________

Hmm, I don’t exactly know what you mean with "diagnosed in secret”. You don’t have access to any papers or anything else you could use as proof?

Asking the people who diagnosed you for something like a certification would be your easiest option, of course. But if that’s, for some reason, not possible, I would advice you to either talk to someone from an autism counselling centre (if that’s a thing where you live) or your doctor. They will help you find out how to get an official diagnosis, because I definitely think that would be your best course of action.

I unfortunately know a lot of parents who treat their autistic child like your mother does. And some of them refuse to accept the truth even when they’re confronted with hard facts and actual evidence, like a professional diagnosis. I think what helped a lot of people is talking about autism in a way that humanises us. Showing them interviews, videos or books by other autistic people in similar situations, with similar struggles, or just talking about as neutral as possible. No method is infallible, sadly, but I found that normalising or talking about the more positive aspects of autism will sometimes change the minds of parents with autistic children. Sometimes only to some degree and very slowly, but it’s still better than nothing, I suppose.

My parents were quick to accept that I’m autistic, but they’re pretty much like your mother when it comes to mental illnesses. It’s a very tricky situation and a topic I’m trying to avoid with them. I personally don’t think that changing the perspectives of one’s parents should be anyone’s main focus though, even if their words still hurt. Self acceptance and getting the help you might need are infinitely more important in the end.

I understand your concerns about therapy, I really do. Almost every autistic person has a comorbid diagnosis (I think it’s about 90%), or several, and getting the right kind of therapy is often unavoidable if we want to get better. But that’s also why it can be important to get an official diagnosis: regular therapy, with someone who doesn’t know a whole lot about autism (because let’s face it: even mental health professionals mostly know jack shit about autism if they didn’t study it) is often times almost completely fruitless. A good therapist won’t try to change your personality and autism symptoms by the way.

I know you said that your mother would want to pick your therapist, but it’s not for her to decide. Especially not when you’ve got the diagnosis, because the psychologists in charge will recommend you therapists that are well-versed in autism and the unique struggles we face. If you have still concerns about your mother, you can and should bring this up with those people as well! They will know how to best handle situations like yours, since it’s sadly not that uncommon.

The first step is usually the hardest. But to me it sounds like you desperately need to change something about your situation - you can see yourself that you won’t convince your mother the way you tried. But a diagnosis and therapy can help you in so many ways you might not even be aware of yet. It’s of course not a magical remedy to all your problems, but I think the fact that you reached out to me already shows that you’re on the right path. You seem to fully realise yourself that it can’t go on like that. Which is great!

So yes, my advice would be to first talk to someone from an Autism Centre of Excellence (or however it’s called where you’re from, it should be easy enough to find online) (you can usually e-mail them as well, if you don't want to call) or a doctor.

Another thing: if you haven’t already, I think it could help to check out the autism community online. There are many people in similar situations, with similar concerns, and just reading about other autistic people’s experiences online helped me a great deal. You can for example check out the #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr, or this blog. If you like, you can of course ask me more questions, of course.

I wish you the best of luck, anon!

#answered ask #anon #not dn

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purple-haired-faerie · 5 years

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Please learn from what happened to me.

I dont do these post but felt this was important. Last May, I was sacked from a job I loved. Like with most jobs there were problems but even so I loved going into work. I'd been involved with them for about 15 months as a student then as a member of staff. In the last few months I had some undiagnosed mental health problems but I was in the "just about holding the remaining parts of my life together" stage. Loosing my job pushed me into the black pit of anxiety and depression. I don't want that to happen to anyone else which is why I'm making this post.

When you start a new job, most likely you'll have what's called a "probation period". Normally it's about 6 months but it might be different. Basically it's almost like a trial period for the job. Your manager should not only tell you how long your probation is but also have really regular supervisions (or at least regular catch ups) to see how you are getting in. It's there to say what's going well and areas of improvement and If they have any goals for you, and when they want you to achieve them. I had one supervision during my sixth month probation, and wasn't aware i had a probation period or how long it lasted.

At the end of your probation, you'll have a probation review. If they are happy then chances are you will stay. If not you'll be asked to leave. It's easier to get rid of staff that way, than after the probation. Any issues your manager has with your work should not be new information. You should have already been notified and it should be in writing, as your manager should have already told you prior to your review and either taken notes of the meeting which has been signed and dated by both of you, or given you a written warning. Depending on the issue.

During my probation review I had to sit through my manager listing various problems she'd had with my work, dating back to February. Basically she had three months of issues and hadn't taken this up with me. Like I said, none of these issues should be new to you in a probation review.

My probation review was on a Wednesday. Half way through my shift. Near the end of my Friday shift, (the next time I'd been in) I was called into the managers office and told that as a result of my probation review, my employment was going to be terminated with immediate effect and I didn't have to stay for the rest of the shift. I found myself doing a really ugly cry in the staff room. I had broken.

Having spoken to others and having a clearer mind, here are some things I wish I'd known during that time.

Check for any changes. My manager normally did supervisions on her own but during my review and someone else's, she had her "second in command" in with her. For our protection or some shit. Basically it was "I'm about to complain about you to your face and I don't want you to kick off". Also, they Normally had the office door open unless their were children in/they were having a meeting. On that Friday, just before they sacked me, the office door was closed.

Be brutally honest. In that moment you owe no one anything. I had a gut feeling my mental health wasn't great but when they asked if anything had happened since February that they might be able to support me with I said "No". This in hindsight probably worked against me. If you suspect you might have a mental health problem, but it's yet to be diagnosed or you haven't really accepted it yourself, make a comment implying it. Say that life's been rough/intense/stressful recently and it's been having an effect. Or you have been struggling a bit mentally. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just don't deny the problem. Also there had been a lot of bitching and back stabbing at work. I was often told about the nasty things that had been said behind my back, the truth of what people I thought I got on with really thought about me. That didn't help the mental health. Again I could have said something about it. "Well it's hard to be positive and totally focussed when you've been told half way through the shift all the horrible things that have been said behind your back". I protected the girl who'd been nasty. And I think it might have cost me my job, or at least some sympathetic understanding.

You have the right to complain or at least a tribunal. I didn't. Partly because I was in the black pit of mental health but also because my manager who was pregnant (again I felt the need to protect. "Oh I can't be making complaints about the pregnant lady) was thought of highly by head office. "Why would they believe me over their golden girl manager?". Even if no action was taken I'd have liked her to be brought down a peg or two. I didn't want my job back. I'd felt like I'd been stabbed in the back and would be spending more time trying to prove a point than actually doing my job.

Remember it's not your fault, but your managers. They should have given you more support to ensure your work was meeting their standards. Mine wasn't and yet I wasn't called out on it until too late. I was having to defend myself against new information when I should not have been. Tell the truth, if they bring up an issue, and you can go "yep I did that" explain. Don't deny as it looks worse on you. Only deny what you did not do. I spent ages thinking it was all my fault, and that those I worked with would either not notice my absence or be glad to see the back of me but having spoken to a couple of people I worked with, I learnt I was very wrong. They agreed the manager was in the wrong. That it was handled really badly and it wasn't right I wasn't given time to acknowledge their issues and do something about it before being shown the back door. That they didn't agree with the decision that was made and wished there was something they could do. I've spoken to others about what happened and similar points were made. It was not my fault and management were in the wrong. Not me. Had I been told of issues and had ignored advice then that would be different.

#becca personal post

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phil-and-a-corgi · 5 years

Text

highschool bandfic in a nutshell - chapter 2

chapter 1

rating: t/m (swearing and also irene’s writing.)

word count: um i dont know a lot ( 2083 )

summary: uhh we have that on the first page

here if you want to read it here then here you go materinos(doesn’t include behind the scenes bants though

here read it on google docs yeah i know so professional(this one has behind the scenes banter)

SECOND CHAPTER (2)

(written by renee @dan-and-a-shibe - pete’s pov)

after finally putting on my eyeliner (i had no time to do it this morning and i looked like a garbage can filled with shit on fire) i hopped off the sink counter. sighing and putting my MAC charcoal liner back into my bag.i dabbed just a wee bit of eyeshadow because WHY THE FUCK NOT. the bell rang, signalling that i was late for first period. why do i let a bell, a mere beep for 5 seconds control where i go and when i go. it just shows how even though everyone tries to be themselves that everyone ends up being dragged by the trends of society. so i decided to sit in the background and look through tumblr. on my phone. ten minutes of scrolling through poetry and kittens. i should get going now. so i did. i walked into mr armstrong’s class.

“mr wentz may i ask why you’re late.” he asked, jokingly in a teacher’s voice. “sorry it’s required to ask that” he whispered, winking at the class.

“i know why, because he was busy being a GAYLORD”(dh quote) that try hard kid justin bieber teased.

“ok justin please explain how your bleached hair isn’t gayer than his amazing eyeliner.” mr amstrong retorted back as the whole class “oohed” at justin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(written by Irene - @feckboy69-aol - frank’s pov)

Fuck Ms. O-Conner. Fuck her class. It's the only class that I don't have with my beloved Gee and the rest of the guys I hung out with and the only class where the teacher actually expects me to do shit. Like okay, maybe there’s some nice chicks in this class and I sit in the back next to a window where I can stare out of and think of my beloved, beautiful Gee, but so what? Lorde’s (yeah, that's what her preferred name was, what a joke) a fucking bore. Honestly, so would this school be, if not for my beloved, precious, beautiful Gee and the shit going on with Ryan and Beebs’ tea drama. Oh, that and the whole of Beaver’s crowd; it was fun watching them get owned by literally everyone here.

Anyway, English class. Lorde Bitchface was screaming about the importance of “putting emotion into your poems” and using “meaningful symbolism” to give your writing “depth” like the edgy bitch she was, so I just tuned her ugly mug out as usual, grabbing my notebook and turning to a fresh page. I gripped the #2 mechanical pencil in my hands and let my mind wander and think about my beloved, adorable, precious, and beautiful Gee, which wasn't very hard. I thought about the last time we had made out (in the bathroom near Bitchface’s class in the stall that no one used) and let my hand draw what I thought. I never was a good artist, but my beloved, handsome, adorable, precious, and beautiful Gee had taught me a couple things (some about art, some about other things), so I had become pretty good. I concentrated for a good 5-7 minutes on the drawing, making every line count, and then smirked to myself at the finished masterpiece. It was stunning; well Gee was.

“Ah… Mr. Iero, why don't you tell us?” said Lorde Bitchface, looking at me with that stupid fucking teacher look that Mr. Armstrong had copied perfectly from her and would use to joke around. But I, being me, tried to pass it off with a smartass answer, something I always did that got on the bitch’s nerves.

“See now I would, but I don't do things like that for free,” I said, giving her a mischievous look. Several girls in front of me (except Hayley, that sassy lassy, who just rolled her eyes and went back the crap that Bitchface was teaching) turned around and giggled, playing with their hair in a vain attempt to try and get my attention. They knew about Gee and me; the whole school did (that's a story for another time), but they still thought they could get me. But I played along anyway, winking at them and giving them the Frank Iero Famous smoulder. The girls seemed impressed, but Bitchface clearly wasn't, her ugly face (okay, I knew she wasn't ugly, she probably got a lot of action actually with that figure, but I despised her so fuck off) morphing into one of disgusting bitch anger, her nose and eyebrows scrunched up and her lips pursed into a tight, white line. I knew she was about to blow, when a kid sitting all the way up in the front who I didn't even know existed until he spoke his next words (that would definitely be his last if I ever found him alone in a dark hallway, by the way) said, “He's being inappropriate and drawing repulsing images in his notebook, Ms. Lorde. I saw him when I went to sharpen my pencil, Ms. Lorde,”

He then turned around and smirked at me, his wavy ginger hair following him as he did, an aura of smugness about him that I did not appreciate.

I saw the anger drain from Lorde Bitchface’s face and have it replaced with a look of calmness that was actually more efficient in scaring people than her anger.

Fucking asshole, I thought, momentarily losing my cool before reminding myself that I was Frank Iero and bitches wished they could kiss the ground I walked on with their crusty-ass, chapped as fuck lips.

So when that fucking whore of a teacher gave me detention, I simply smiled and said a cheeky, “Can't get enough of me as it is, Lorde? Not that I can't see why you wouldn't want more of this,” running my hands through my hair, knowing that this was definitely gonna make the ugly hag throw a fit, which would be far more amusing than if I had just accepted the offer of yet another detention.

It worked; I got sent to the principal's office, but like hell I was actually gonna go there. I smiled to myself as I walked outside the door, giving Bitchface a cheeky salute as I went out, not staying long enough for her to scream more shit at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(written by renee @dan-and-a-shibe - ray’s pov)

geez well this is frank's seventh detention this week and it's only wednesday. how is that even possible. well, lorde's most recent detention got him a saturday detention for the whole day and i knew he was supposed to go hang out with gee. gerard would be heartbroken if he couldn't make it to their next date. they have date night in saturday. i had to convince lorde to get him out of detention. she hadn't hated me yet, so i had a chance. while we were supposed to be writing deep poetry, i went up to her desk.

“hey um, ms lorde, uh sorry about frank. his family isn't really okay at the moment, and well, he's been acting up. more than usual. his parents have been really hard on him, especially with the detentions. i hope you can withdraw the multiple detentions from the past three days. don't mention this to him, or anyone else. please.” truth was that franks family wasn't doing to well but they weren't being hard on him, they didn't care anymore.

lorde paused for a moment. “ok then, ill withdraw the detentions. only for this week. why don't you go down to the office and tell him this detentions are withdrawn.” i knew i could do it. most ladies have more vulnerable emotions, they’re more sensitive. and that's why women are so great. and now he only had three after school detentions..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(written by Irene - @feckboy69-aol - tyler’s pov)

It was lunch for the Sophomores, so as usual, I was trying to find my best fren Josh Dun. It was strange, he wasn't anywhere to be seen, when usually I could spot his vibrant colored hair in any crowd (it was a bright yellow today). So when I entered the large circular shaped cafeteria, and didn't see him, I started to panic a bit.

He was there in the morning, we walked here together, he was there in first period, I saw him when I went to go to the bathroom, he was there during third period because I was there with him, oh no, he got kidnaped… he got bullied he's in a locker somewhere stuck I have to go, he's hurt I have to sav-

“Tyler!” I heard someone scream from behind me, interrupting my very important thoughts about Jishwa. I turned around in pure panic, ready for the news that was going to be solemnly sorrowful; news about Jishwa’s untimely death.

Alas, it was only Jenna Joseph Black, a pleasant surprise at that. I smiled in spite of my internal mental struggle, watching Jenna smiling and running up to me. The cafeteria was now starting to fill up, with cliques of people banding together in their own respectable tables, as usual.

Jenna grinned at me, giving me a friendly greeting. I didn't want her to get worried for my stupid overthinking habit. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, leading me to our lunch table which consisted of me, Jish, her, Hayley (Kiyoko) Adam, Jack, and Ryan. The others weren't there yet, me and Jen usually arrived early, Josh not too far behind us, with the rest walking together, usually bringing some mundane news about whatever they considered important in their lives. Usual conversations involved Jack and his frens coming in with their loud but awkward selves, Hayley not too far behind them, her hands crossed in silent disapprovement at almost everyone and everything. They all would then come in to our table, interrupting the meaningful conversations that Jen, Jish and I would be having, usually conversations about the possibility (or plausibility) of whether coconut sharks could or not exist, (if they did exist, where would they be swimming?) with talk about the latest song from so-and-so’s band or whether Ryan and Brendon would ever get back together, or at least make up.

But that's not what exactly happened today because Jen, ever the one to notice and care, gave me a caring concerned look that depicted exactly how much she cared and was concerned about me and Jish, her eyes gleaming in the bright-lighted cafeteria, her mouth morphing into a depressing frown.

“Where's Jish?” She inquired, the proportions of her face perfectly in line, to the point where she made everyday curiosity look like it was the epitome of perfection, suddenly standing up, probably (or plausibly) realizing that if Jish were here, he would be right now.

I slouched further into my seat, gulping, my throat feeling dry, “I don't Jen… I don't know…”

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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I feel real empty, and everything so dull and boring. I dont know who I really am or want anymore. I look inside me and I cant find anything good and to be proud about, like Im so boring and without personality. People get bored easily of me, 1 to no friends text me and when I do, they cut it off. Also, I feel like my days are a repeat, nothing changes as hard as I try to. I feel like my emotions are fake. There is this unfillable void inside me. I dont know why, nor I know whats going on. Help.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this! Not really knowing who you are can be so tough, but it’s actually really common when struggling with mental health issues. This isn’t something that will last forever though, you can step by step figure out who you are and feel more okay with being that person.

A good first question to ask yourself might be the following: Who would you like to be? Because I think you answer to this question will already say a lot about who you are, mostly about your morals and values! And if you have more clear for yourself who you want to be, this is also something you can work towards. Maybe it’s close to who you are already, but maybe some things would need changing and if that’s within reasonable expectations, why not go for it? Important though is that it needs to be within reasonable expectations and that it’s also more than okay to simply accept who you are now as you deserve to feel okay with who you are no matter what, even if that isn’t exactly equal to who you’d like to be!

Feeling like there’s a void inside you could potentially be a sign of depression, but we’re not mental health professionals so we can’t diagnose you or rule anything out. We’d also recommend you not to self-diagnose for the reasons listed here. I think it would be a good idea to bring this up with a professional though. They can determine whether something more might be going on, for which additional treatment would be helpful. For depression, treatment usually consists of medication or talking therapy, or a combination of both. Please do consider it as an option. Speaking to a professional can be beneficial regardless of whether it turns out you have a diagnosable mental illness. Simply talking through everything going on can be of huge help already. You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can then refer you to a therapist, psychiatrist, counsellor, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here.

I don’t think your emotions are fake! Why would they be fake? Often we feel like we’re faking something when we’re struggling with negative feelings. But why on earth would we fake those? It’s not like it’s nice to experience those! It’s super hard to deal with them and we try so hard to get out of them. If we were faking them, that wouldn’t be so hard. You’d know if you were faking them, because it’d be something you were actively doing. Since that isn’t the case, you per definition are not faking them! Try to keep that in mind lovely, your struggles are valid

I hope that this has at least been a little bit helpful. If there’s anything else we can help with, please let us know!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #void #empty #emptiness #depression #feelings #personality #identity #mhapauline #Anonymous

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

#suicide mention #im sorry #all their no privacy shit doesnt even work cos i was just left alone all night when i wanted to kill myself #and took then three days to notice the wound on my arm #didnt cut my veins or anything dangerous i just couldnt stop scratching #at my skin for an hour and now there's a bit of a mess there #but its scabbed over so its fine #i drew all over the other arm to keep from hurting myself again #i thought i was okay after that nice experience at the build a bear workshop but im even #worse today cos now i k ow the staff are just fuckin fine with transphobia and im gonna just have to #shut my mouth i guess #fuck just look forward to the art classes whenever i finally get to do them #but i was looking forward to the class today and then i couldnt do it cos i got all scared of dad #fuckkkkkkk

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m. sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

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sadnesscomeseasy · 3 years

Text

explaining my depression to my mother

my depression is like a shape shifter

one day with ability to walk and talk while throwing my head back like nothing bothers me

like the words "im fine" that slip off my tongue like silk are the truth in how i feel

but then my depression reminds me of the control it has over me

the chains of all the emotions i thought i could hide, unwillingly attaching onto me;

holding me hostage from seeing that earth is more than the darkness of the night

you see most days it comes in the form of a killer

killing the livelihood out of me and taking the smile right off my face as fast as It appeared

making me feel like im stuck and trapped where im at

and destined to be like this for good

but thats what depression says, right?

i should continue to listen to the gossip it tells me

hear the rumors and drama it fills my mind with

keeping me up and guessing what will come next

mom says “come downstairs, get out of the bed”

when I think of stretching my already weak knees onto the carpet to walk away from the one place that bring me serenity

panic sets in

see mom, you need to understand my depression is like an anchor… holding and trapping me down to the very bottom of such a dark place

i get out of bed with the sudden cheer of “you finally decided to come out of your bed and get out”

no mom, my demons became too overwhelming for me to handle so I figured a distraction may help

it never does

mom says, “ hangout with other people, surround yourself with life and light with the help of others”

why cant you understand mom that the same people I hang with daily are the only ones who understand the issues I face

they are the only ones who see that the real demons I have are just my mind and my soulless figure walking around like an unwanted tourist

don’t you see how hard It is to explain someone my issues when I down understand them myself

how hard It is to find people who are willing to sit and listen to my story and not act like im doing it for attention or to accept all the heavy baggage i carry around

mom says " stop being lazy, do something with your life"

ou still dont understand, my depression is my own bully mom

spewing lies and false claims about who i am

dont you see how hard it is to escape

my depression is the lion and I am its prey

i start running, hoping that if maybe I hide from It and If im lucky enough It will miss me and find something else to sink its teeth into

running can only do so much knowing its already marked you and won’t stop until its legs move fast enough to catch up to you and fufill its purpose

and luck doesnt seem to fit well when talking about depression

on the days I decide to step in the shower or come downstairs and see something other than the 4 walls im so used to

mom cheers me on like I finally crossed the finish line she’s been waiting for me step over

i need you to understand when I get congratulated I feel overwhelmed

i feel as if I am the burden and the littlest of tasks that I do are noticeable to everyone

being noticed isn’t what I want

being reassured that what im going through wont always be like this will bring me the comfort that i need, right?

that ill wake up one day with a thought other than the pills sitting in the kitchen corner by the sink

or picking and choosing where I would like to lay my body to rest

mom, understand that my depression is my captor and im its prisoner

i watch as it takes and takes from me, letting me know i'll never return back to my old life

that im a lost cause

and nobody will ever come to save the lost victim

i hope you know mom i am trying my best to do the little tasks you want me to do

taking shower isn’t as easy as you make It out to seem

because when I think of taking a shower

i think of standing and my legs buckling with defeat

i cant do normal things people do mom

i know you dont understand

im not a normal teenager

was I ever?

my mind is so so scrambled

so dark

so lonely

so scary

mom says: turn the lights on, get out of the bed. you need sunshine.

how can I tell you that darkness has this romantic way of making the perfect company

see my mind finds comfort in the dark knowing my mind is consumed by that very thing

darkness has its arms open for me waiting to wrap me up and consume me

i accept it,

every. single. time .

how can i not?

depression has made sunlight and lights my enemy

it whispers in my ear letting me know darkness is the better option

the better escape

mom insomnia sweeps me up in its arms and carries me to the bathroom floor

insomnia isn’t my phone mom

its my mind racing around in loops like a race car

its my demons laughing and mocking me

you don’t seem to get when someone has depression you aren’t yourself

your body is tired and your mind is worn out

i can tell you over and over how tired I am and how the thought of those pills calls my name regularly

but nobody seems to want to listen

they take It as a joke

i am the fucked up teenager given the bad end of the stick

dont you see why those pills call my name?

they offer me the escape i want so badly

to be at peace and have my mind be quiet

mom offers I try to find god and a youth group

telling me god is my salvation and will be the cure to all my issues

why cant you see im comforted alone

that god cant save this broken mess

that I stopped looking for him years ago

god only seems to fix the people who ask for his help

mom, I dont want anyones help

my depression has given me a safe haven

im so used to the feeling of brokeness and misery

im safe here

im accepted here

im used to it here

mom tells me she’s worried

asking me if she should hide the knives in our house

i look at you not knowing what to say because I dont have any answers to give you

i dont understand myself

my depression has become my best friend and enemy all at once

part of me knows the little girl who once had a smile so bright is still in there

but once a happy thought crosses my mind

my darkness takes its hands, wraps it around my head and shakes all the happy thoughts away from me

i can feel myself losing all sense of happy memories

its scary mom

but i cant stop it

my mind wont stop

nothing ever stops

i am so fucking tired mom

when does this end?

I want to explain myself to you

hell, i want to explain myself to me

but how when you dont give the reaction or words that I need to hear

how when I dont even know the words im looking for

i couldnt tell you

mom doesn’t see that my meds are my salvation and killer all at once

MOM YOU STILL DONT UNDERSTAND

WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND

its okay, mom.

i dont either.

#poetry #freewrite

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