#bc i try so hard to be the bigger person even though they’ve hurt me and traumatized me in indescribable ways | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

karliahs · 3 years

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It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

“Tim?” Jon asks softly, pulling back to look him in the face, and it’s the loss of that warmth and pressure that makes Tim realise he’s started breathing in great, shuddering gasps. He screws his eyes shut and Jon reverses their positions, pulling Tim into his chest with unpracticed but fervent hands. His T-shirt is soft against Tim’s face; he hadn’t thought Jon would own anything so soft.

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

Jon seems unable to decide between rubbing soothingly at his back and just holding on as tight as he can. Tim shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be giving into this. But there's a reason he lost so much time when he should have been searching for the thing that killed his brother. The Institute was full of potential answers, but it was also full of bright, lovely distractions. He's buried in the arms of one of them.

Tim didn't used to think of that as weakness - but he didn't used to think there were worms that burrowed through your flesh, or creatures that took every true memory of your friend without you ever noticing, or monsters that played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were, because it was fun.

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

The gentle vibration of his words is almost enough to distract Tim from the words themselves. He turns his head so he can speak un-muffled, and immediately misses the comfort of being closed in. “I do, Jon. I can’t…” Tim fumbles for the right words, wondering faintly if this is how Jon feels all the time, struggling to give voice to the unspeakable. “The worst thing in all of this, the worst thing would be if they hurt someone again while I’m just standing there."

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

Jon’s hands still, and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest does too. It’s the closest thing to absolution Tim’s ever offered. He’s glad he can’t see Jon’s face, can’t see whatever shock or gratitude is playing out there. At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind. He wonders, vaguely, whether it counts as forgiveness, to want someone to spend what might be their last night on earth forgiven.

from: enemy of my enemy, aka jon and tim sit in various rooms and talk: the fic

thank you for asking!!! here we go:

It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

do you ever just think about how fast things went wrong for the s1 crew...they were friends just a few months ago!! a few weeks in between no current supernatural experiences -> trying to survive supernatural experiences together by physically holding each other up -> complete alienation. some experiences just defy comprehension, emotionally speaking, even when you can see every step that led from there to here

i also like to make myself sad by thinking about the practical day to day aspects of everyone in the archives being alienated from everyone else. like...when were either of them last touched (non-violently)

so much has changed but they've circled back around to each other

'person starts crying without noticing until someone points it out' is a trope i generally try to stay away from partly because i just can't imagine that ever happening to me and therefore it doesn't ping my realism senses, but i get one (1) because it is undeniably juicy

this fic is very zeroed in on tim's perspective in terms of small sensory experiences, for a few reasons - drive home emotions, portray dissociation, and because i like writing about how it actually feels to be in a romantic gesture, to make it more real than just like...an image of people holding each other

small detail that jives with bigger points - jon's shirt unexpectedly soft, jon's surprising ability to still provide him with gentleness and comfort

i think jon here has no idea what to do but has been given permission to touch so is living his best tactile life with this inexpert hugging and is hoping that does something

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

tim spends a lot of this fic having his inner-monologue cut off to try and show as well as tell that he's struggling to stay present

that 'both-' hurts me, honestly. hurts more than it actually being spelled out, i think. write to upset yourself, maybe you will upset others in the process

half is a word i absolutely overuse in writing but cannot stop. no one ever does something all the way, they are half- believing, wondering, worrying, etc.

i'm never 100% sure if i'm accurately capturing the way that jon speaks in canon but i did always like and want to emulate the fact that he speaks kind of hesitantly, trips over his own words, etc

again, jon does not know what to do so he is just trying. just trying to do any kind of soothing hand thing

i thought quite a lot about reconciling the seemingly happy-go-lucky tim that gets presented to us early on vs learning why he came to the institute in the first place. tim here is framing that as a failing because he's miserable and traumatised and guilt-ridden, but i think at least part of it was actual healing. he was taking time and enjoying the people around him and trying to make the best of things, until it all went wrong

related, the self-recrimination of tim hating himself for not having seen any of this coming, even though they were not predictable events...very human nature after you have been through something terrible. how dare i have not anticipated every trouble that ever befell me

'played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were' - a lot of this story was me just enjoying the themes of stranger-horror. i love the terror of knowing there are creatures who can change aspects of you that should be unchangeable, physically in skin and otherwise in terms of identity and memory. love applying that to jon and tim, who have been fundamentally changed against their will by trauma and their roles in a story neither of them wanted. skin as metaphor for identity, and learning that people can take away your skin is then utterly terrifying to someone who already feels like his identity is being forcibly eroded. and then that shared terror brings them back together, just a little

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

this fic...is so sad. why did i write this. why am i being attacked by my past self and their awful words on this day

explicit admission that tim wants/needs jon here...even a chapter ago he was like yeah i'm going to america with jon bc i am regrettably relying on him as my reality-anchor, nothing emotional here

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

warmth, pressure, vibration...continuing to be fascinated by the little tactile details of what it feels like to be close to someone

emotional logic is so powerful. tim moving most likely would have either made no difference to the outcome or worsened it (because both him and danny would have died) but of course for tim standing still while someone he loves was destroyed counts for everything about who he is. sometimes blame feels better than helplessness, which mirrors what happens with his friendship with jon - is it scarier if they are all helpless, or if this one guy is The Enemy

‘give voice to the unspeakable’ sometimes i like poetic descriptions of jon’s role as archivist

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

tim views talking with and connecting to people as fucking up. how much of that is even slightly shrouded in logic and how much is just - tim is depressed and deep in self-loathing, somewhere still at the core of him tim loves people and making connections, so of course doing the thing he wants to do is wrong

‘At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind.’ tim has this thought once and then worries at it like a sore tooth because his default state is hopeless fury with himself, with everyone. i also think this demonstrates how new information/realisations often can’t help you out of a bad mental state on its own, because it’s all too easy to slot it into your existing thought patterns. pushing everyone away was making tim worse - he starts to feel like that was a mistake, but it just becomes more self-recrimination

forgiveness is one of those words that seems to encompass so many different concepts that i find it hard to know exactly what it’s meant by saying you forgive someone. specifying what’s meant by this little shard of maybe-forgiveness makes it mean more, at least to me

may i reiterate: :(

#jontim #asks #give-me-a-minute-to-think #talking #tma /#long post #ps to the other person who sent me an ask for this meme: thank you!!! it'll be friday probs before i can answer

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shinjaeha · 3 years

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ipytm ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

this is going to be a tough post for me to do bc honestly...this ep just left me feeling so run down. i know that the cast and crew have always strived for realism and authenticity with this series, but this one was just a lot to take in :/ my thoughts are gonna be even more all over the place than usual but idec at this point. having to rewatch this ep again is really fucking hard (even harder than itsay ep 4 bc even though that makes my heart ache, i still feel some sense of satisfaction from the development we get...this just leaves me feeling defeated in every way).

you know the drill: not an analysis, just me ranting as usual bc free therapy (and boy do i need it after this one)!! i had so many feelings watching this ep (esp towards teh but what’s new), so here goes.

we begin with the drama students rehearsing for jai’s new play, and the introduction of the plum wine which will be the recurring motif in this whole ep. the use of the plum wine in this also kind of reminds me of how teh initially disliked coconuts until he started falling in love with oh-aew and started to like them instead...i’m guessing that’s the parallel they’re trying to draw with the plum wine comparison in this.

teh’s having a hard time getting into character (which we already know from last ep was always going to be one of the toughest challenges for him as an actor). his character in the play is supposed to have a sex scene, but he’s struggling with this bc he can’t put himself in his character (akin’s) shoes, so jai ends rehearsals early.

jai gives them all logbooks which he basically wants them to treat as diaries where they’ll write everything they feel/learn and hand it back to him (he’ll be the only one reading them). ngl this already had me feeling kind of yikes (esp now as i rewatch this knowing how everything went down) since jai already has inside knowledge about teh’s feelings on his relationship with oh-aew which he can take advantage of :/ more on that later though...

it’s sad to me that so much time has passed since teh’s argument with khim and he's STILL avoiding her. khim was someone that he respected immensely (and was such a great mentor for him) so it just sucks to see that their relationship has deteriorated so much since the first two eps. teh might have had his reconciliation moment with oh-aew last ep, but there’s still a lot that he’s not ready or willing to address yet.

i understand that teh’s just encouraging jai about his work when he tells him to stop having others comment on it, but at the same time, i disagree with him bc i think it IS important to get other peoples’ opinion about your work. how else will you ever be able to see things from other perspectives if you don’t?

anyway, teh tells jai he’s seeing a play, and jai asks teh if he’s bringing oh-aew...the look on teh’s face is telling enough that things aren’t going great between them (at least on his end). this brings us to the logbook scene, where teh’s homework for the day is to write about the similarities and differences between himself and his character in the play. this gets teh to reflect on how he feels his relationship with oh-aew is changing, or specifically, how oh-aew seems to be changing so much that teh feels like he’s becoming someone else entirely...and does that mean that he still loves him the same?

i feel like this is a fairly common issue with people that have been in a relationship for a while (and this is their third year together now), so i understand how teh might start having doubts. it’s nothing that oh-aew’s done, it’s just that sometimes all these small changes can keep mounting up to the point that they feel much bigger than they actually are. oh-aew’s really just doing what everyone else does, which is grow and change as they get older, but teh’s still stuck in the past trying to hold onto what they used to have instead of evolving with oh-aew. the way teh picks at all these little changes of oh-aew does make me think that he’s self-sabotaging himself. he’s just so afraid and insecure that oh-aew will change so much he leaves him, that he has to nitpick at reasons why oh-aew’s the one that’s growing away from him (though when we watch the whole ep we know that that’s not the case at all). it’s like a ‘if i push him away first, then he won’t push me away’ sort of self-defence mechanism. either way, teh’s a constant overthinker...and he’s always been his own biggest enemy since the start, so it makes perfect sense to me that he would do this to himself here too.

i know that they’ve been together for years at this point, so things are not quite as exciting as they used to be, but it hurts to see oh-aew be so happy about getting an A for his class, and teh be so unenthused about it. oh-aew has to basically beg teh to give him attention and praise. remember when teh used to get so worried when oh-aew did badly in chinese class...and now it’s like whatever to him just bc he’s not tutoring him/they’re not in the same major anymore :((( i know it’s prob both bc teh’s still hurting that oh-aew transferred majors, and from seeing oh-aew succeed while he feels like he’s failing, but still...

also, not inviting him to see the play with him bc he thought oh-aew wouldn’t be interested/oh-aew kept falling asleep whenever they saw plays together ;;; i get the reasoning from both povs, but it still is nice to be asked :(

so one thing i have to say about the progression of their relationship here is that i just feel this huge disconnect from last ep and this ep?? i know it’s bc of the time skip (since it’s a year later basically), but to go from the end of ep 2, where they’re promising to love each other forever, and then to teh feeling disillusioned/as though he’s falling out of love with oh-aew basically right after that?? it’s so jarring. i feel like we lose so much with these time skips bc the transition from ep 2 to ep 3 is never really shown, so there’s this lack of flow there. like we’ve skipped a step entirely and something’s missing. this is the disadvantage of only focussing on one year per ep since there’s not enough time to explore as much character and relationship development when we’re only seeing an hour long snippet of an entire year. it just makes things feel superficial since so much of what we should be seeing is missing...and we basically have to fill in all the gaps ourselves.

okay, back to oh-aew ranting to his friends about how he feels like his relationship with teh is fading away bc they don’t have the same interests anymore, but also wondering if that’s just normal for long-term relationships. bless that boy that came to ask oh-aew for his ig :’) at least he knows that he’s wanted and has options, even if he obv turns him down bc of teh (for now).

plug and mangpong are dating!!!!!!! and mangpong does a horrible job of trying to hide it 😂 sidenote, but i love the way pp delivers lines sometimes (like the “just shocked”), he’s so cute. plug and mangpong’s legs touching...and the wave of nostalgia that came over me (and oh-aew) during that ;;; oh-aew seeing their blossoming relationship would make him reminisce back to his own experience of falling in love with teh...when everything was still so fluttery and new. so when teh texts him about using his car to help jai move, he looks happy. like he wants to rekindle those feelings again too.

that being said, it’s kind of sad to me how even jai shows more interest in oh-aew’s major than teh (when he asks him for his opinion on how to get people interested in his play). oh-aew’s got some good ideas and is more than willing to help (esp since he wants to connect and find a common interest with teh again). also, just bc oh-aew doesn’t want to be an actor anymore doesn’t mean that he’s completely uninterested in it. god, watching this part again hurts bc oh-aew looks so happy and optimistic. he worked so hard to help teh (and jai) only for them to betray him like that. it made me mad originally, but now it just breaks my heart :(

jai’s running acting classes again for his play, and this time it’s a workshop to help them tap into their feelings. it’s like an intimacy exercise where they give one another consent to touch certain body parts. teh is still struggling a lot with this. i think teh craves intimacy, but as he doesn’t feel that connection in his personal life to oh-aew anymore, so it’s difficult for him to draw on his experiences. he can’t even remember the first time he had sex with oh-aew properly anymore. as usual, teh’s too in his own head to just go with the flow and ~feel things (which isn’t new since teh’s had problems with this since itsay), but it’s def something that he’ll need to learn how to do if he wants to become an actor. he’s trying, but the fact that he can’t get to that place makes him feel even more insecure than ever that he might never be able to get there. imo one of the reasons teh works so hard, and is as driven and ambitious as he is, is that he’s afraid that he’ll never be good enough. he puts so much pressure on himself, and the issue with that is that he’ll never be able to live up to his expectations that way.

teh is also very much alone now. oh-aew has his group of friends to talk to about his relationship with teh, but teh just has jai at this point. he’s pushed khim away...and he and oh-aew aren’t communicating effectively (which is also why they’re on SUCH different wavelengths in terms of where their relationship is at), so there’s literally only jai for him to talk to about all his relationship issues. and to me at least, jai seems to have ulterior motives (particularly when you consider that the subject matter of his play is pretty much the same thing that teh’s going through rn). it’s times like this when i do feel kind of bad for teh, but then again, he brought this upon himself the way that he almost always does...and it leaves me frustrated instead.

jai kissing his professor though...also their conversation?? i have QUESTIONS...

that whole interaction with teh when jai catches him spying on him and the professor was SO awkward. idk what it is about teh but i have never encountered a character that has given me as much secondhand embarrassment as he does. when he starts touching the bars and avoiding eye contact i just- why, teh why?????

moving on, i’m thinking there’s prob more to that scene that we don’t know about bc jai’s shifty like that...but it’s purpose is also to shift teh’s perception of jai. before this, he pretty much just saw jai as his friend and mentor, but seeing him kiss someone else pushes him to think of jai in another less platonic light. like the first spark of attraction.

the both of them go to see the mime show (babymime), and i know that the point of this is so teh can learn to just feel and let go the way that the mimes in this play do, but idk it’s just kind of funny to me the contrast between the last scene and this one.

the leg touching scene again but this time with teh and jai...thanks, i hate it :///

teh’s already feeling like he and oh-aew’s interests are making them drift apart, so by connecting with jai, it’s that initial feeling of attraction that he used to feel with oh-aew all those years ago. jai is that cool senior that he respects...he’s goal-oriented and has so much in common with him (in a way that he feels that oh-aew doesn’t anymore), so it doesn’t altogether surprise me that teh latches onto jai in this way. esp when all their conversations revolve around what teh’s most passionate about, and what dreams they’re striving towards in the future.

it doesn’t surprise me bc teh’s affections shifted in a similar way from tarn to oh-aew when he was first starting to realise his feelings for oh-aew too (though at least he and tarn were never officially dating during that time...)

there’s a genuineness to the way teh praises and encourages jai that isn’t there when he’s doing the same to oh-aew :( and that coupled with teh lying to oh-aew about him having dinner with jai while oh-aew is at home, completely oblivious, painstakingly photoshopping his boyfriend’s face on the poster of the play TO HELP TEH instead of doing his own uni work, makes me so fucking upset for oh-aew.

it’s interesting to see how different their personalities are even when it comes to something as simple as the way they read their texts. oh-aew is so ready to accept whatever teh tells him at face value, but teh overthinks everything to the point where he jumps to a certain conclusion in his head about it instead.

but yeah, it’s just really tough to see oh-aew try so hard for teh, only to see teh do nothing back for oh-aew in return. there’s only so much one side can give. it’s the absolute lack of effort on teh’s part to even try to make things work with oh-aew that is the most frustrating thing of all. oh-aew is carrying their entire relationship rn and it makes me feel all “and for what?? why should he even bother??” about it.

sneaking to sit at the river with jai is like this forbidden, new experience, so it just enhances that feeling of attraction that teh is already feeling towards jai. and esp when he starts telling him about his previous relationship with james, the significance of the plum wine, and how jai ended up breaking up with him. since it’s reflective of teh’s own experiences atm (even in how he kind of self-sabotages himself to push people/oh-aew away first), he clearly takes it to heart. and it makes him want to do an even better job since the play is an autobiographical one for jai. not to mention, teh supposedly being the only one that jai told his story to makes him feel ‘special’......and we all know how teh likes feeling as though he’s special to someone. you can see it in how dejected he is when he thinks jai only told him his story bc he wanted him to get into character better, but perks up the moment jai says he actually told him bc teh’s been doing such a good job (and to encourage him). like i mentioned before, teh’s already feeling vulnerable and isolated from everybody else, so hearing any sort of praise (and esp when it’s from someone that he looks up to as much as jai), is going to pull him in.

when they were hiding from the security guard i was like ughhh i know where this is heading and i. don’t. like. it........

the problem is that i know where teh stands on this. like i know that there’s some attraction on his end. but i don’t know where jai stands. is he intentionally manipulating teh’s feelings for his play? is there any sincerity there? i think it’s obvious that he can tell teh is attracted to him from the glance that they share in this scene, but i can’t get a handle on what he actually wants (which i guess is the point of making his character as mysterious as it is but still). and if he can tell, and he doesn’t actually like teh back in that way, it makes the end scene even more yikes imo.

hmmm teh lying in the pool trying to recreate that feeling right before their first kiss when the both of them just let everything go and sank down into the water. that’s how you KNOW the next scene is supposed to be angsty...bc just like how their first underwater kiss had a sense of sadness to it bc they were hiding, their first (on screen) sex scene has that same sense of sadness, only this time it’s bc teh’s using his attraction to jai/his method actor desire to get into character to fuel the sex instead of bc he genuinely just wants to have sex with oh-aew. and if his reasoning for the sex is bc of that, then his task to recreate their first sexual experience will never live up to the actual first time they had sex (when they BOTH wanted it, and there were no other factors involved).

that’s not to say i don’t think teh doesn’t love oh-aew anymore. i think that there HAS to be some level of love still there amidst all of the confusion, but it feels a lot more like he’s testing his love/attraction to oh-aew during this scene (sort of like how he did with tarn in itsay) than a proper ‘love scene’. like he’s trying to reconfirm his feelings, whilst using oh-aew as inspiration for his role at the same time. it makes my heart ache that this is the first love scene we get from them this series, and it’s marred by the context of what we know is going on in teh’s head. like i said, it’s this permeating sadness throughout...and just knowing that oh-aew has absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on with teh and why he suddenly wants to have sex makes it worse. oh-aew’s been trying to make things work, and in his mind, teh spontaneously coming over like this prob makes him think that things are getting better between them since this is also the closest thing to teh showing any sort of initiative to work on their relationship in this ep so far...

and that’s not also taking away how beautifully this whole scene is shot. i’ve always loved the way that teh and oh-aew play and flirt with each other (bkpp’s chemistry is honestly unparalleled!!) so it was nice to see them be kind of playful before they started kissing again (if you ignore how sad this scene really is). i LOVE the inter-splicing between their first time on the beach and the present. the way the score swells, and little moments where you can see their feet and fingers interlocked on the beach. it gives you such a visceral visual (and totally takes me back to itsay days when that sort of imagery was used a lot more). i just hate that since we know the truth, this scene is more uncomfortable than satisfying despite how nicely shot it is.

i wish we got more domestic moments from them. i know their relationship has sort of grown past those initial moments of flirtation, but it truly makes me sad that we don’t get to see more of them as a couple in general in ipytm. moments like this where they’re lying in bed cuddling each other are so few and far between that i always feel like i have to cherish every little fleeting piece of fluff that i can get. even if idek if this can really be called fluff since the context sort of ruins it.

oh-aew’s still got his heart attack bag :’)))

he was soooooo happy when he met up with his friends 😭 but also, how the hell is it possible for teachers to move deadlines up like that. i FEEL that panic... poor oh-aew...

teh’s in rehearsals again and this time he’s wearing his moon shirt which...i do NOT need those ep 3 itsay vibes rn when i was already dreading this last ten minutes with everything i have in me :((( but anyway, jai’s brought plum wine to class and we know that teh doesn’t usually drink, but he does this time. he tells teh that the taste will change over time (it symbolises the ageing of the relationship process), and teh says it’s a pity he won’t get to taste it next time since jai wants to go abroad to study. then teh tells him he’s worked on the acting exercise and wants to try it out with jai, and i feel like we all knew where it was going to go from here.........

they really had to hammer it in with him missing oh-aew’s call too huh :/

as soon as they started the touching/intimacy exercise again i was just waiting for the catch. even on this rewatch i’m still sitting here chanting “don’t do it teh don’t do it” knowing full well that he kisses jai and there’s no changing that. but then when they cut to oh-aew walking up the stairs with the posters and you hear just how much time he’s sacrificed to help teh/jai on this...sacrificing time EVEN NOW just to go over to their uni to give them the posters when he has a presentation due tomorrow that he and his friends still haven’t finished working on...it’s just heartbreaking knowing what he’s going to end up walking in on.

whether it’s itsay or ipytm, teh’s default state is confusion. so while i think that there’s a certain amount of attraction towards jai there of course, i kind of get the feeling that he’s confusing his feelings of connection with jai (bc of their shared interests and passion) with him falling in love with jai. i feel like his attraction to jai reminds him of what it was like when he was first attracted to oh-aew, and since things have changed so much between him and oh-aew, it’s like he wants to recreate and capture that feeling again with jai (which is also why he wears the moon shirt...he wore that during itsay ep 3 beach scene, which was the moment when the attraction really started to burn between him and oh-aew). he can’t feel that same spark with oh-aew anymore, so he transfers his feelings to jai since, at this point in time, he feels closer to jai than anyone else. instead of growing alongside oh-aew, it’s like he’s choosing to revert back to a time when he was happier.

we know that teh has always been the type of person that will act on his impulses when he feels them. that’s WHY it was so hard to watch...bc i knew while watching that last scene, he was never going to restrain himself or put a stop to those feelings bleeding over into action. and esp not when it could benefit him in some way with his acting too.

in the end, it just makes me so devastated for oh-aew. and i really hope that he doesn’t let this go bc he thinks it’s just teh method acting or getting into character or whatever...i know that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things rn, but that’s not an excuse. he really fucked this one up.

the thing is, it’s not that i don’t think teh is capable of acting this way (i’ve seen a few people say that this is ooc for him, but it really isn’t? this confusion and impulsiveness has always been a part of his character from the very start...he was always the one that had the most trouble dealing with his feelings out of the two of them), but the time skips don’t do him any favours bc we lose all those moments that take him to what he’s currently feeling. when we don’t have those moments, then it’s a lot harder to sympathise with him. in itsay, bc we always knew how teh got from point a to point b, even if he did frustrating/silly things, i always understood where he was coming from. i always felt for him. i GOT his struggles, which was why i was always able to empathise with what he was going through. in ipytm, he just comes off as unlikeable bc of how superficial his feelings seem (from what we’re being shown on screen at least).

falling out of love with your significant other/starting to feel things for someone else is obv a fairly common experience, so i don’t blame teh for FEELING like this, but it’s how he treats oh-aew throughout this that doesn’t sit right with me. even if you feel like you’re falling out of love with someone, or that they’ve changed since the first time you fell in love with them, you’d think there’d be some motivation to at least TRY to make things work with them before giving up. we never see that from teh at all. instead, he just see him becoming infatuated with jai (so we barely see teh/oh-aew together in the first place). and while i can see now that a lot of this is due to his own insecurities and inadequacies, it’s also just so disrespectful to oh-aew who's the one that we see putting in all this time and effort (it calls back to their whole “don’t give my time to others” scene in itsay bc we see oh-aew giving so much of his time to teh through helping him out with his play, while teh’s giving that time that should be for oh-aew to jai now). no matter his reasoning, watching teh act that way towards oh-aew does make it increasingly hard to root for him. there’s just too big a disparity in how the two of them choose to act and devote their time to their relationship.

what’s frustrating is that in itsay, teh would fuck up but he would always try to make amends with oh-aew in some way. he would always come forward to try to sort things out after...but there’s nothing here. even after their dinner fight in ep 2, it’s OH-AEW that reaches out to him first (even though it’s teh’s fault that they fought in the first place). where’s that boy that dressed up in his old school uniform in order to talk to oh-aew at his school? or made a whole chinese idioms scrapbook for oh-aew? or gave up his uni admission for oh-aew? i understand that characters and motivations change (and he was obv hopped up on his first love with oh-aew at the time), but it’s just really, really sad to see teh keep messing up and not even try to meet oh-aew halfway with this. yes, you can fuck up, but there are only so many times you can keep fucking up before it starts to look more like a pattern of shitty behaviour than a few forgivable missteps.

another issue is that there’s been so much focus on teh and his flaws that a lot of the time oh-aew comes off as a side character to teh’s story. previously, i understood that since teh was grappling with his sexuality. it made sense that his journey was the primary focus of the plot and character development. but i always felt that there was more room to explore oh-aew’s story (and i thought that we would get a lot more of that in ipytm...esp after ep 1), but it just feels like we kind of skimmed past all of oh-aew’s growth and struggles adjusting to bangkok/uni life so we could turn the attention back to teh again. i just hate that we never get to see more of how oh-aew’s changed in teh’s eyes (other than the surface level things like his hair, new car and major), and that we never get to see more of oh-aew’s life when it’s not related to teh in general. i hope that we’ll get more of oh-aew in the last two eps, but i really don’t know what they’ll give us anymore.

at this point, i don’t even want them as endgame anymore given everything that’s happened in the recent ep. and it pains me so much to say that bc teh/oh-aew are so immensely important to me, but they’re just in such different places in life. and teh esp has so much more growing to do (i think i said this last week too? teh...). oh-aew deserves to be with someone that can see his worth as he is (that won’t cheat on him for one!!). i just want him to be with someone that can make him happy. what i wanted most for them out of this was for the two of them to grow to a better place (together and as individuals), and while i still want that for them as individuals, it’s hard for me to want them to be happy together anymore. at least for the time being.

i’m kind of at a loss for how they’re gonna work through this (and i genuinely want oh-aew to be able to explore his options too...particularly with someone that will actually treat him better than teh’s treating him atm). so at this point it’s kind of looking to me like a break up is inevitable? but i do think it’s necessary for both of them rn. i feel so heartbroken about it though...like ipytm is actually making ME go through the breakup...breaking up with all my beloved itsay teh/oh-aew memories :((( anyway, i think a break up is also conveniently the best time to put a time skip tbh...so we’ll see if that does end up happening now in future eps.

this one took such a long time to write up bc i wrote like a quarter of this RIGHT after i finished watching the ep (so you can clearly tell which parts were me right after the ep, and which parts were me after i had some time to sit on what happened 😂), but i thought it was best to take a bit of a break. i didn’t rewatch it again until i calmed down a little and sorted out my thoughts some more (though i know this is still pretty messy). but yeah, i’m still very much interested in watching how they things are going to progress from here...but i can’t deny how sad i’ve been feeling after this.

#i promised you the moon #ipytm #text #i feel like i always need to rewatch ipytm eps bc i'm so HEATED during the first watch #but then by the second one i've usually calmed down so much more #like i obv still have a lot of things that i'm not super happy with (and rewatching this again didn't really bring me joy) but still #i get so invested in itsay/ipytm that sometimes i just gotta take myself out of the situation and go live my life for a bit #i was meant to post this yesterday bc it's been sitting in my drafts for too long but i just woke up (it's 2am) so what better time hah

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thepoodlepack · 3 years

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What's wrong with goldenpoodles? I'm genuinely curious because almost all of my dogs are mixed breeds and behave fine. So I'm curious if there's something else I'm missing

jeez this feels like bait but u kno what, you got me

alright, so it goes like this. the doodle really began with a guy in australia being like i need the temperament of a lab for a guide dog but these ppl are allergic to dogs, so i need a poodle bc they have hair, not fur. so he bred em together. years later he’s like damn that was a mistake.

now, why, exactly? alright so first of all he only needed that mix bc labs on average tend to adapt better to situations that are largely exclusive to service dog work than poodles do. i can go into what this means at a later date, but that’s basically how it is. but either way, people jumped on this creation and it kinda spiraled out of control. soon, poodles were being bred by everyone and every breed. suddenly, they were a marketing scam more then they were a dog breed.

oh theyre hypoallergenic! all of them, all the time cause zero allergies! look theyre so much better than poodles! theyre friendly and easy to train, not like poodles of course, just like labs! they’re better than labs bc none of them shed, ever! they’re super healthy bc breeding labs and poodles together wipes out all their health problems, of course!

lies, lies lies. the aussie guy, whose name i’m not going to look up bc i’m lazy but who you can find if you google creator of doodles, straight up says that even the first litter(s) of labradoodles he bred had puppies that the people he bred them for were allergic to. he very carefully tested the litter and the reaction the person had before placing a puppy that was not going to hurt them.

think of the punnet squares we all learned about in 5th grade science class. you draw the squares and one parent has two fur genes and the other parent has two hair genes and what do you get? well if you have four puppies, one might have hairhair and the next one might have hairfur and the next one might have furhair and the next one might have furfur. and so guess what? only hairhair pup is going to be the best choice for allergic people. additionally, you can see why the non-shedding thing can be bullshit, and that in particular is also a guessing game. you may be able to test allergy sufferers against the pups, but that does not necessarily mean they won’t shed. hairfur, for example, may be a good choice for some allergic people, but perhaps they’ve got just enough fur to shed anyway. also, lets look at salukis (and frankly, most long-haired sighthounds). salukis are still considered dogs with fur, not hair. they also still shed, even though it’s just a little. and yet they’re still considered good for allergy sufferers.

(ps poodles do actually shed. but they shed like humans shed. your hair comes out, doesn’t it? like, esp folks with long hair, aren’t people always complaining how you clog the shower drain? yeah, like that. ALSO obviously the situation is more complicated then super simple punnet squares and as an ex-groomer i have something to say about doodle coats but i’m going to save that for later, put a pin in it.)

oh and wait a hot minute there. i said best choice, didn’t i, not hypoallergenic. well, that’s because no dog is hypoallergenic. poodles, and a few other dog breeds, they have hair, like we do. but the thing is both humans and breeds with hair still produce the dander, though they’re different kinds. breeds with hair happen to produce the least amount possible that dogs can produce, which is why they’re a better choice for allergy sufferers, but that’s still not a guarantee. my roommate Dakota is allergic to dogs. if i don’t wash my dogs for an extended period of time (which has never happened, ever, in my life, idk what ur talking about), thus giving the chance for the dander my dogs still produce, he will have a very, very mild reaction when touching them. it can be countered by him washing his hands after touching them and also me just giving them a fucking bath, i need to stop forgetting, but still, there you go. ALSO people might not be allergic to dogs bc of their dander. they might be allergic to the saliva of dogs, which poodles or any other breed with hair still produces about the same as other dogs. so, yeah, not hypoallergenic, not at all.

the people who taut their hypoallergenic dogs for sale largely don’t do the testing required to check if they’re actually providing a dog to someone who won’t react to it. not acceptable at all.

so, labs are friendly and easy to train right? not at all like poodles, right? no. absolutely incorrect. some labs are friendly and easy to train. some labs, a lot of them when they’re puppies, are nightmare fuel. personally, i have a theory that everyone’s vision of labs in their heads are either a) service dogs or b) those old labs who are slightly pudgy (or morbidly obsess, which is a different topic) and who are graying in the face and just want to lounge around because they’re seniors now. alright, so here’s why thats bad. labs are a working breed. a retrieving breed. they’re supposed to be bulky and strong and driven. service dogs are highly trained, to a point that most pet dogs will never see, and if you see them with their actual disabled handler, they’ll probably be around 2.5 yrs of age and out of their most wild days. old labs are well. old. sleepy. maybe a bit achey. and well out of their most wild days. oh, and it’s the same type of thing with goldens by the way, the other most popular doodle type. poodles are also easy to train, especially if their parents have a decent temperament. they’re all about equal if you actually start training them when they’re puppies and just pay for some training classes, like everyone should. in the puppy classes i’m in right now, Euphoria is leaps and bounds ahead of doodles, goldens, and labs that are her age or older. I train her properly and she’s got amazing parents. that’s it, that’s the trick. not breed, not necessarily, and def not in this case.

I am once again going to say that labs and goldens are more often used as service dogs than poodles because of their adaptability, but it’s the ability to adapt to situations that most pet dogs will never have to worry about.

jeez this is a long post. i’ve still got more to cover too. alright, on to super healthy, or “hybrid vigor” as the nerds call it. uhh, it’s bullshit. thank u for ur time.

okay, but actually why on gods green earth would breeding two completely different breeds with little to no research make them super healthy? now i want to preface this with i’m (generally) pro-outcross projects. Euphoria’s dad is half mini poodle and half standard poodle, which isn’t technically an outcross bc all the variations are of the same breed, but if we’re going by genetic diversity alone minis and standards are different enough to actually be different breeds.

so, to be clear, outcrosses, given the proper thought and planning: good, results in healthier dogs (see: lua dals). randomly breeding two very different breeds together with no planning other than to sell the puppies to randos who won’t continue the outcross: bad. especially when you’re doing it to cash in and don’t health test at all, or don’t health test the major health problems with both breeds (if you’re doing an f2 breeding or anything like that). no the poodle’s health problems don’t get canceled out by the goldens or labs or whatever the other party’s health problems are, and vice versa. and yeah, i’ve looked at a lot of doodle breeder’s websites and yeah, most of them don’t health test at all, or at least don’t health test properly. do you know i own one doodle and currently live with another? yeah, i got them both from breeders and do you know how much health testing their parents got? if your answer is none, good job, you’ve been paying attention. in my defense, i was like 13, i didn’t know what i was doing.

alright, so those are the big points. this is kinda gonna be just... a mix of my other complaints. here we go, hope you’re ready for more. argument the first: i feel like it’s pretty disrespectful to reputable breeders. now, i actually have two reasons why that is. reason one: most reputable poodle breeders don’t want their breeding stock bred with other breeds, for various reasons. i’ve even met a few who used to be okay with it and then as the doodle scam got bigger and more out of control, they stopped being okay with it, even to the breeders who they had been fine with it in the past. that means a lot of doodle breeders out there have their breeding stock because they scammed poodle breeders into giving them pet quality, not breeding quality, dogs or because they’re getting their stock from non-reputable breeders. i also feel it’s disrespectful to breeders who are actually trying to create new breeds. quite frankly, a breed with the size, strength, and adaptability of a lab or golden that doesn’t shed and that has the train-ability of a poodle, lab, or golden sounds pretty interesting to me. did you know you can actually make that breed? and it wouldn’t be a cross with unpredictable... well, everything. it would actually be a true dog breed.

Look at Silken Windhounds and Biewer Terriers who began both development in the 1980s. Biewer Terriers were recognized by the AKC this year, and Silken Windhounds still haven’t been. And yeah, that’s the problem isn’t it? Making a real new breed takes a lot of time, planning, and care. People would rather just cash in. I think it’s sad and I think it’s disrespectful to the breeders who do work so hard to make actual new breeds.

and finally, unpin being an ex-groomer goddamnit. guess what? doodles are awful to groom! they’re terrible on the grooming tables because people want to have in both ways: they want a dog that doesnt shed at all and they want a dog who doesn’t need to be groomed. well guess what, that dog doesn’t exist and you can have it only one way. and also, bring back the goddamn punnet squares because a lot of doodles have awful coats. if you have hairfur and furhair over there, guess what, their coat fucking sucks bc it’s not meant to be like that. it wants to mat bc hair but also it wants the mats to slide out bc short-ish fur but its too thick for the mats to slide out bc thick hair. and yes its more complicated then this and that means its often more awful then this. its awful, it makes me want to cry. and maybe it’s slightly easier to get away with it with a shorthaired dog like a lab, or, you know what, even a golden, okay, even a slightly long haired dog like a golden but people are doodling akitas? border collies? bernese fucking mountain dogs? i am crying. i am crying right now as i type this.

lets do a sum up to this disaster of a post. look, i don’t go out there attacking or yelling at every doodle or every doodle owner i see, alright? or any of them really. i might engage in conversation to one that’s interested, but that’s it. i love my doodly Isis, okay? shes tiny and she’s adorable and I love her more than life and i will never, ever get another doodle. i don’t like the way they’ve gotten so prolific, i don’t like the reasons they’re now widespread, and i don’t like almost all of the people that create them, including the ones i’ve literally given my (parents) money to in the past. i wish they were better but i just cannot approve of them, especially not in the environment they exist in now. that said, i do support them in their original use case as assistance dogs, and i do not care about them if they’re shelter dogs.

#long post #anti doodle #text #my post #yes this took me like an hour #yes i do hate myself for it #Anonymous #oh anon im being grumpy mostly for comedy thats only funny to me #you're fine as long as you werent trying to bait me

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foxymoxynoona · 3 years

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Absolutely love amended but I just can't see the happy ending man.. Surely there's affection between both of them, they care and want the best for each other, for sure. However it seems to me like there are too many flaws for it to work? With the big fight, we have a clear view of how they work with their defense mechanism under pressure and shock and it's not good. To me, there will always be an imbalance in the relationship, because no matter what, you say dumb shit you don't mean when you're angry and Jungkook will throw in the fact it's his money, his house and etc. while Belle will threaten to leave with the kids. It's bound to happen again, I think. And with Belle traumas, I'm quite sure she might, no matter how in love she falls, keep in the back of her mind the fact that Jungkook did pay for everything, that her situation now could be gone in a breath if Jungkook wanted to. But that could be entirely different once she starts her new job (so happy for her) and save enough money—again, her mind might just be full of 'secure the money so the kids can be safe if Jungkook ever kicks us out'? Unhealthy. So there's definitely a stronger one on the relationship, dependence happening. That's not good to me, if they're always going to come back to that fact at some point. Belle has always been on her toes, ready to leave to keep her kids safe and I don't see her fully trusting Jungkook, no matter what. And Jungkook could definitely question her intentions as time flies—if she loves him or if she's here for the money to keep her kids safe! The foundation is fragile, unstable imo. Also, Jungkook is quite childish at times, even if he does a lot of efforts for Belle. He gets hurt too and say stupid stuff, making her even more insecure. They don't communicate very well, do they? Patricia won't be here forever, they only speak their mind when she comes around. And she pointed out how Jungkook would go for the 'easy' explanation when the real one would just hurt Belle, but that would help her understand him. It's hard to change that too! And I don't agree on people blaming Belle only. They're to blame together, one is not wrong and the other right—they have flaws, on different levels, yeah, but that doesn't make one less important than the other. But sooo many, and some are yet to come into the mess of it all, like the basement thing! It's exhausting for both of them. And I'm sure they love each other but sometimes, love's not enough—sometimes things don't go the way you want it to and that's okay. I could see both of them being exhausted time after time because they don't communicate well and have awful defense mechanisms. I could also see Jungkook stuck in there bc he loved Belle when he was young and he loves to provide and he's like a puppy you know? Like he did her wrong in the past and now he's trying his best to make it right, kind of redemption? Blindsinded maybe, not true love. And Belle stuck in there bc she likes Jungkook, sure, but it's safer for the kids and she'll do anything to keep them safe and Jungkook does just that? Not that she would force herself into it but you know. Yeah. Just my thoughts, love you! ♡

This was really sad to me to read because it seems like such a fatalistic view of marriage and relationships. People just aren't perfect, and marriage puts someone right there in the mud with you when you going through shitty phases, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. You don't have to be a perfect person to be loved or worthy of love. You can love someone at their worst, and I really don't see Isabella or Jungkook being at their worst now. In fact, the opposite, both of them actually feel safe and supported and accepted enough that they're starting to crack open pains and fears they have kept locked up --in some cases their whole lives!-- so that they can finally heal.

There's not really an "ending" in life until you die. There are always new challenges, new opportunities, new opportunities for growth. Does that mean that love and intimacy aren't worth it, that you shouldn't even try until you've reached some impossible place of perfection?

You also don't seem to think they're capable of growth but people are! Some things take years to heal or unlearn, sure, and I'll honestly be expediting some of that growth in the story compared to real life. Maybe that's just a difference in our view of people? I think that people can and do improve if the intent is there, and that intention to be better makes a huge difference. I see the ways Jungkook and Isabella have greatly improved in this story. Just because they aren't done yet doesn't negate all the progress they've made.

I've been married for almost eight years and we are still learning how to communicate, how to live together, how to support each other, and how to understand our own changing needs. Neither me nor my husband are perfect people, and we have had fight much bigger than any Isabella and Jungkook have had, but do I think our marriage isn't worth it? Nah. Even though sometimes we fight over the STUPIDEST fucking stuff. We have grown and changed as people, and it's sometimes been rough, but we've made it work so far. Isabella and Jungkook are just at the very beginning of their relationship and are rapidly learning so much about each other, and rapid growth can be painful, but they’re both invested. Why would that mean it's already time for quits? They haven't even gotten to fighting over fruit left on the counter or how to load the dishwasher or why would you ever NOT immediately clean up the bug you just squashed on the wall or why the fuck no one but me will put the empty toilet paper rolls in the bin THAT IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE and they just line them up on the windowsill... like... wtf?!

You mention the fights as exhausting but you don't seem to be giving fair weight to the joy that they bring each other most of the time. If their relationship was nothing but fighting, that'd be one thing. You do make some good observations about their flaws and struggles! And I could absolutely have written a very tragic story of their marriage based on guilt and obligation and regret. I see so much love and admiration in their interactions though --playfulness and joy and gratitude. You don't see that too?

I guess this made me sad because it just seems like you are suggesting something should get thrown away because it's not perfect, when marriage is really learning about how to love and compromise on the imperfections.

#asks #personal #amended

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clumsyclifford · 3 years

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i typed out a Whole thing and then changed my mind but how about like lazy sunday in before the work week w t-shirt verse jalex? ily bye x

omg hello this got (1) away from me and (2) so ridiculously romantic i have no excuse. there’s just something about t-shirt jalex. also i am currently taking suggestions for what color alex’s hair should be in this ‘verse bc as of now it is unspecified. okay hope you like it x

read here on ao3

Alex is at the stove. Jack’s barely awake and this is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“Morning,” he croaks, slumping forward to affix himself to Alex’s back. Alex staggers, laughing quietly.

“Good morning, my love,” he says. The kitchen always feels somehow both bigger and cozier with Alex in it, spacious but flooded with love. Love, Jack finds, smells like pancakes and tastes like Alex’s toothpaste and feels like sunlight and the cotton of Alex’s shirt under his fingers. It fits nicely into Jack’s kitchen. Their kitchen.

Their kitchen. Jack is still having a hard time getting used to that.

“You didn’t have to get up,” he mumbles against Alex’s shoulders. “Coulda slept in.”

Alex shrugs. “Was up anyway. Thought it’d be nice to make breakfast.”

“But it’s nice to cuddle,” Jack points out, eyes still closed. He presses his nose into Alex’s neck, inhaling deeply. “Mm, you’re warm.”

Alex’s deep, gentle laugh fills the air. “You’re clingy.”

“It’s cold,” Jack slurs. Slowly but surely, the atmosphere is seeping into his senses, pleasantly waking him up. “I love you for making pancakes.”

“I know you do.”

“Gonna make tea.”

“I prepared your mug and boiled the water already. You just need to pour it.”

“Have I mentioned lately that you’re the love of my life?” Jack presses his lips to the tattoo behind Alex’s ear, lingering a moment.

“Doesn’t hurt to hear,” Alex says happily. Jack reluctantly detaches himself from his boyfriend’s body to go and make himself some tea.

Tea is a weekend drink. Jack drinks coffee to get through the mind-numbing work days, but tea is for Sundays like this one. It’s nine in the morning and Jack can already feel the laziness of the day settling over their shoulders; they’re going nowhere today, doing nothing. It’s not often a perfect Sunday comes along, but Jack clings to the opportunity whenever it does. Like today.

Dust hovers in the beams of light stretching through the room and the apartment feels alight with a glittering January. Unlikely warmth starts in Jack’s chest and spreads outwards, something he can’t even attribute to the tea since he hasn’t begun to drink it yet.

Glancing over at Alex, humming to himself as he flips the pancakes, the warmth intensifies. Oh, Jack thinks, not particularly surprised.

It stands to reason that the love filling the kitchen would saturate his body as well.

Light spills over Alex, highlighting strands of hair and shining on his skin, brown eyes glowing almost as golden as the sunlight. It makes Jack wonder why he’s not a poet or something, except there aren’t words for this image, and Jack would be hard-pressed to come up with an original way to phrase what thousands of artists have already expressed.

He takes a picture. They’re worth a thousand words, if what they say is true, and that’s close enough.

Alex looks up at the movement. Jack just smiles and shamelessly takes another, catching the fond look on Alex’s face before setting his phone face-down on the table again.

“Stop it, you creep,” he says. “Help me with this.”

“Alex, I’m so fucking bad at crosswords,” Jack says, shifting his chair around the table anyway. “You know this.”

“But you know things that I don’t! Together we can solve it.”

“You could also solve it on your own.”

Alex shakes his head. “You’re overestimating my skills. I don’t think I’ve completed a Sunday puzzle in, uh, my entire life.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you,” Jack says wryly, “but I am not your secret weapon.”

Alex reaches for Jack’s hand and brings it to his lips, brushing a kiss over Jack’s knuckles. “Yes you are.”

Jack sighs. He’s a sucker for Alex and he doesn’t see that trend slowing anytime soon. “Fine. Give me one.”

“Here, I bet you know this one.” A tap of the pen against the newspaper next to the clue for 6-Down. “‘For You’ co-singer Rita.”

“Ora,” Jack says immediately. “Everyone knows that song.”

“Ora,” Alex repeats to himself, like something he should have known to know. “Actually, I didn’t. See? Already fulfilling your secret weapon duties.”

The puzzle is sparsely and randomly filled out. “Why don’t you go in order?”

“Because I don’t know 1-Across,” Alex says. “And if I stopped there it’d be a very short puzzle.”

Jack hums, skimming the list of clues for any other answers he might have. Most of the clues he thinks he could get are ones Alex has already filled in. Some are ones Jack would never have known. “What the fuck is a superlative prefix? ‘Most’?”

“Yeah, like…high school superlatives,” Alex says. “Most likely to make it big. Most likely to, uh, go to jail after graduation.”

“What the fuck were your high school superlatives?” Jack says, amused. “I didn’t know that’s what they were called.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is wrong, though,” Alex says, face drawn in thought. He’s doing the hair-twirling thing again so Jack interrupts the motion, linking their fingers together and scratching gently at the nape of Alex’s neck. Alex hardly seems to notice. “Because I’m pretty sure 4-Down is ‘prince’.”

“‘Hamlet, for one,’” Jack reads from the clues list. He shakes his head. “I’m starting to think you’re smarter than me, Al.”

“Starting to?”

Jack scoffs and stabs at the remaining pancake on Alex’s plate, mostly because he knows Alex isn’t going to finish it. “Hey.”

“I’m teasing, completely joking,” Alex says, leaning into Jack and briefly resting his cheek against Jack’s shoulder. “I’m definitely not smarter than you. I teach middle school. If anything, that automatically makes me more of a dumbass.”

“You love doing that, though.”

Alex sighs. “Yeah. You can love something and still be an idiot for doing it, though.”

“Like being in a relationship with you.” Jack giggles. “Joking. Just kidding. I’m just kidding.”

“You better be,” Alex says lightly. “I know a lot of your deepest darkest secrets, Jack Barakat, and I am not afraid to unleash a pack of twelve-year-olds on you.”

Jack would like to argue that a horde of twelve-year-olds doesn’t scare him, but it does. It very much does.

“Fine,” he says. “You win this round.”

Alex kisses his cheek. As he moves away, Jack turns his head and kisses him on the lips. “You taste like pancakes.”

“You taste like you,” Alex replies, and it doesn’t sound sweet, but it really, really is. Jack licks his lips. He’s not sure what exactly he tastes like, but it charms him to think that it’s always more or less the same, or at least that Alex finds something familiar in every kiss he steals off Jack’s lips.

“Okay,” he says, leaning over the newspaper spread out before them. “We can do this. Who was in The Irishman?”

Whoever said that thing about how it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all might have been onto something.

They concede to the crossword puzzle after almost an hour of staring at it. To Jack it seems pathetic, until Alex grins at him and promises that this is rather impressive considering when he tries to do it alone he only ever gets, like, ten answers, and they’re often wrong.

Half-finished really isn’t so bad.

The rest of the afternoon and evening stretches out before them, in all its unscheduled glory, and Jack, like the mature adult he is, pulls Alex to the couch and insists they spend at least three hours of the day watching TV.

His second mug of tea is sitting, partially drunk, on the coffee table, Alex’s empty mug beside it. Jack’s is going cold but he’s warm with Alex’s head in his lap, eyes closed as Jack pushes a hand through his hair, and he can’t find it in himself to care. As a compromise, they’ve put on Project Runway, something Alex loves Jack enough to sit through but doesn’t care enough about to pay attention to. If Jack were a more petty person, he would be annoyed by this, but he’s not. Having Alex like this is arguably better, essential in the task of keeping Jack’s thighs warm and also giving Jack something to look at when the urge strikes him.

The angles of Alex’s face and the way his hair flops over his forehead are enough to keep Jack mesmerized for hours.

It’s in one of these moments of weakness, Jack gazing down at the boy in his lap instead of watching the high-stakes but decidedly less enchanting events unfold on the TV, that Alex opens his eyes. His gaze catches Jack unawares, but Jack doesn’t flinch.

“You’re not even watching,” Alex huffs, smirking. “It was your idea to watch something and you aren’t even watching it.”

“I’ve got a better view right here,” Jack says.

Alex just rolls his eyes. “C’mere,” he says, grabbing clumsily at the front of Jack’s shirt.

“I don’t think I am physically capable of kissing you from this angle.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” Alex picks his head up and pulls Jack down, and it’s not ideal or particularly attractive, but Jack has to admit that they do, technically, kiss, thus proving Jack wrong, which is probably in Alex’s top ten favorite things to do. Only for a second, though, before Jack pulls away.

“I stand corrected, but I also kind of hated that,” he says.

Alex laughs, musical and bright. “Sorry. Let me try again.” He shifts around, straightening up until his feet are on the floor and his body is upright, and this time Jack has no complaints when Alex curls his fingers around the collar of Jack’s t-shirt and drags him in.

Project Runway isn’t exactly the ideal soundtrack to making out on the couch, but Jack’s not picky.

A fluttering touch lands on Jack’s hip, sneaking just under the hem of his shirt to rest against his skin. Alex releases Jack’s shirt, sliding his other hand up and around to cradle Jack’s face, thumb brushing his jaw. The show in the background fades to nothing, as so often the world does when Alex’s lips are on his. Everything is Alex and Alex is everything — and maybe that’s always true, but it’s easier to sink into when they’re attached in so many places, lips under teeth and noses brushing cheeks and hands forever tracing skin, clothes, hair, whatever ends up beneath Jack’s fingertips.

It’s looking more and more like the love in the kitchen hadn’t been confined to the kitchen. Or maybe it had never been about the kitchen, but the company. And maybe Jack has known this all along, and the love he feels for Alex follows him around like a stray dog, like a best friend, like a promise. It bleeds from him, infusing itself into the air without ever lessening in himself. Sometimes it trips off his tongue.

Often it does.

“I love you,” Jack murmurs, like he’s just a ragdoll stuffed with love who’s coming apart at the seams, another stitch undone whenever Alex touches him. He’ll keep spilling this love over them and somehow he’ll never run out, and if that makes him weak then Jack is content to be weak.

Alex only laughs a little, but it’s not mean-spirited, just sweet. “Would it surprise you to know that I love you, too?”

It wouldn’t. This is the secret to Jack’s never-ending supply: the love he gives is the love he receives.

“I love you for making me breakfast,” Jack whispers, pressing his lips to Alex’s cheek, just outside the corner of his eye. “And for the tea. And for making me do the crossword puzzle with you. And for watching shitty reality TV with me.” With each proclamation he brushes a kiss to Alex’s forehead, his other cheek, the corner of his mouth. Alex’s smile stretches across his face, crinkling his eyes by the time Jack kisses him again, for real, though he still returns it to the best of his ability.

It doesn’t last long. “You don’t play fair, JB,” Alex breathes, then laughs again like he can’t help it. “What am I supposed to say to that?”

“You could start with ‘I love you too,’” Jack suggests, slanting a breezy smile at Alex. “That usually works.”

Alex gathers Jack’s wrists in his hands and kisses his palms, one after the other, before lifting his gaze back to Jack. In the light of the apartment, Jack has never seen anyone more beautiful. The truth of his own earlier words washes over him like a sedative, a comforting tranquilizer.

“Doesn’t feel like enough,” Alex admits, “but I’m not sure this love can be put into words, you know?”

Jack does know.

“Though it’s worth saying,” Alex continues, sliding his hands into Jack’s until their fingers are interlaced, “that I love you for doing the impossible crossword with me, and I love your half-drunk cups of tea, and I loved you in the morning and I love you right now and when we go to sleep tonight, I’ll love you then, and every night after that for the rest of my life, you know what? I’ll love you for those too.”

Jack understands that these are big, big words, promises that are much easier to make than keep. But with Alex holding his gaze and his hands right now, sheltered from the real world or maybe creating it, he knows that Alex means every word, and Jack does too.

#jack barakat #alex gaskarth #jalex #jalex fic #all time low #atl fic #fic #my fic #holy FUCK this is fluffy and romantic and ???????#one of the lines in this makes me lose it #i know i wrote it but it makes me LOSE it #ok i am gonna draft this until it's a good time to post it #aka probably in a day or two #bc the malum thing just posted tonight #by the way it is fully 7am #i wrote this in the last two hours #the sun has risen and the sky is a beautiful pastel rn #in case anyone was wondering #boy. my sleep schedule. it sure is. uh. a thing that does not exist #(insert calum yikes emoji)#man.........the words in this fic. the sentences #every single thing i write is like literally one word away from making absolutely no fuckin sense #arguably it already does not #i had to stop listening to my love songs playlist and put on this playlist of instrumental romantic music #cos i was trying to be poetic and shit but there were all these fuckin LYRICS going on and it was Not Happening #ANYWAY into the drafts this goes see yall in a little bit #tirednotflirting #ask #answered #ok im posting this now at half 1pm but . dont get me wrong. i wrote and drafted it at 7am

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shay11a · 4 years

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New Rules, an overly long review

Alright, let’s do this.

I’ll just start with a little disclaimer that english is not my first language and although I’m usually fluent-ish some of my sentences might not translate very well from french, so please bear with me. Also this i like barely edited so sorry about the mistakes.

I’m here to talk about my favorite fanfiction, not only in this fandom, but in all fandom (and trust me, I’m a part of a lot of fandoms), and of all the fanfictions I’ve ever read (and trust me I’ve read a lot) : New Rules by the amazing @tayegi

The first time I read, I binge read it, but make no mistake, I don’t mean that I rushed though the story in one day, oh no, I mean I couldn’t do anything else, every minute of my day that I wasn’t in class or adulting, I was reading it, but it’s one of those rare fictions where I knew I was reading something just that good that I needed to make it last as much as possible. Imagine my struggle, balancing the need to know what was going to happen next and my visceral need to make it last as much as possible because I knew I could never experience this first reading again.

That’s how much I love this story.

Unfortunetaly, there came a time I caught up.

So I re-read it.

Again.

And Again.

To this day, I often come back to it, re-reading entirely or picking up at any point to enjoy again a moment that I particularly like. I do this often with fiction I particularly liked, but one thing that I find amazing with NR is that, contrary to most fic, no matter where I pick up, I know what is happening, what happened before that, because the plot is just so wonderfully crafted that everything has consequences, every character is relevant and their actions have consequences that they are held accountable to by the plot (dunno is this makes sense but it does in my native language sorry) I regret not posting a review under every chapter as I read, it was selfish on my part, but I needed to continue, I have some notes from this review at the end but they lack the specificity of first impressions, I apologize for that.

I also have to mention that this review is NOT spoiler free so if you want to read it please, PLEASE New Rules before that there is absolutely NO way that you won’t thank me (and Tayegi of course) afterwards, and don’t ‘I don’t mind spoilers’ me this story DESERVES to be read spoiler free.

Alright, buckle up kiddos, let’s do this.

I. The writing

The way the plot unveils is downright cathartic. I recently re-read it entirely to make this review and going back to the first chapters and seing how everything just MAKES SENSE and how a small thing happening has consequences over everything later. Just HUH brilliant. (I’m thinking about OC’s crush on Jimin here and how through the prism of Mijoo we later see that her crush was her projecting // Jin, now THAT’S WRITING)

The smut, how do I put it, is bomb but it doesn’t feel like smut smut, it feels like actual sex described, not idealized and in my opinion it just adds to the quality of the story, because sex is an essential part of the story, not something added to satiate the hormones of horny readers (as an ex-horny teenager, I want to thank people writing this kind of smut and say that there is nothing wrong with writing this kind of smut) or just for the sake of it because apparently having sex is the culminating point of a relationship. Sex scenes tell a story as much as argument scenes, if not more. First, because as a sex friends to lover AU (smh) it is inherently part of the story but also because the characters don’t just stop having a backstory, emotions and emotional baggage when they have sex, all those things are still present and they influence the way they act in bed. And THAT is satisfying to read.

On many occasions, in the fanfic writing community, you can hear (read?) people saying, « this fiction could / should be published like an actual book » I’m not here to further the debate on real literature, fanfiction and so what not, but this fiction is one that, more importantly than it being published, I feel like I could study in english class, take an extract and study the amazing characterization, how the scene furthers the plot, what are the literary devices used to do so. I feel like I could study the running metaphors, the sub plots and how they correlate so well to the main plot and further the characterization of a character, the plot itself or something else. Everything feels like a neatly knitted masterpiece.

In that aspect, one scene that I particularly liked was the one where OC is hidden listening to JK and Hyejin, and as she hears what he says, she crushes the rose in her hand. It’s such a simple and yet telling idea: her bourgeoning love and hope for a romantic relationship symbolized by the ultimate romantic symbol : a rose, and JK’s words make her try and crush those feelings, but she hurts herself doing so, because the action itself is a painful one — trying to refrain hope / trying to suffocate feelings — but also because love, just like roses has thorns that may hurt, that’s why JK is so afraid of committing it seems, and the irony is that he is doing exactly that to someone else. (My explanation is so messy plfnmesdmflfmqf sorry)

One recurring idea/plot device that I have noticed is the one of misunderstanding / misreading each others. OC and JK constantly misread each others (I’m thinking about the scene in the bar where she rubs his back affectionately and he interprets it in a sexual way) and idk but something about this really hits me hard, because it’s human, so inherently human, this makes the characters feel like human beings not fictional archetypes. Because in real life, we can’t take a step back and have a view of the bigger picture the way we can as an omniscient reader who remembers very well what one said or did earlier that explains their behavior. In real life we dont know and cannot guess why people act a certain way based on some hinted at tragic backstory that would explain their commitment issues.

On a lighter note, the writing is just so freaking FUNNY, like I can’t count how many times I cackled like an idiot reading. + Tayegi has a way of cutting from scenes to scenes or from dialogue to dialogue that is just so FUNNY (if it was a movie I would talk about editing because it’s exactly how it feels, like when you got A saying ‘I will never do that’ and it cuts and the next frame is A doing exactly that)

More on the writing in the notes for every chapter further below.

II. Feminism, social justice and me relating to everything

Ok this part is going to be a bit more personal but I had to address how much main girl and her struggles resonated with me. As a feminist myself I VERY often struggles with the same problem : that is when my beliefs come brutally crashing with the social constructs I have internalized and have yet to deconstruct as well as the people surrounded me who don’t necessarily share the same belief. And the way Tayegi portrayed this is spot on not to say borderline genius.

Her mixed feelings when facing Hoseok « not like other girls » comments or the conversation where she struggles to explain why she is fucking the notorious fuckboy despite her talks about hook-up culture were punches in the guts to me, because feminists are always the ones to be criticized the most easily (I am aware that my phrasing here is horrendous but I don’t know how to word this differently again sorry English is not my native language) and the slightest slip-up will be pointed at by people who aren’t even feminist but see an easy way to gaslight them. So, to read this, to read another woman facing the same situations and being as utterly upset and sometime powerless as I felt, god was it cathartic.

And don’t get me started on the way she always ALWAYS sticks by her principles of sorority, even to the women that have been nothing less than mean to her and how hard it is to support other women when we live in a society that always pit women against each others. I FELT that. But nevertheless main girl tries to, she compliments Somin on her dress, Hiejin as well even though they both have been openly hostile (and even mean sometimes) to her. I truly felt this, all theses little moments, just a sentence here and there, but I felt them in my guts.

III. The characters

The characters, oh god, the characters. OC ? Marry me. JK? Marry me (also I want to slap him but it’s another story). Taehyung ? Marry me. Mijoo? Marry me.

The relationship between OC and her BFF is in my opinion one of the best thing about the pic and one that really remarks it from other, the twist about twist alsmot made me believe it would be like every other pic where oc ends up with virtually no friend (especially female ones because like everyone know girls cause drama riiiight ) but it happens so early ? How could it ooooh it’s not like that, OC and her BFF and mature enough to discuss it, it still has consequences, the scene where OC accuses BFF of pushing her onto Jk to make herself feel better about jimmy still gives me chills because, yeah, it makes sens that she would, and it kinda feels like she did with how insistant she has been, but again, we are told the story from OC’s perspective, so obviously she feels bad when BFF insists that her and JK are meant to be bc she knows that JK wouldn’t date her, but again, as readers, we can kinda see from BFF perspective, they indeed look perfect for one another and only misunderstanding and insecurities and Jk’s past seems to be in the way (okay granted when you say it like that it seems like a lot), but in the end, Mijoo also seems genuine in the way she pushes them together, even though, yeah she might have, consciously or not done it for that reason.

i don’t know if I want a happy ending for OC and JK, I want one because they are so good and sweet together and after everything they’ve been through I feel like they sort of deserve it, but after everything they’ve been through, especially the way JK has behaved, it seems hard for a happy ending to happen. I feel like it’s going to take a lot of time and talking (including his backstory that has been hinted at a few times wink wink) for them to work things out, if they work things out.

I’ve mentioned that before but : THE SORORITY oh lord where do I start? OC standing up for Hyejin and Somin even when they had a few rough patches, sign me the fuck UP. OC not turning totally on her best friend Mijoo (my girl btw) and overlooking their friendship and what she had done for her in the time of Jin because Mijoo made a selfish mistake ? Yes please, MORE.

Hoseok is, in my opinion, spot ON. It took me some time to exactly pin point who he reminded me of but then I realized he is exactly what I call the 'apolitical guy’, who is convinced to not have controversial opinion and would deny ever having prejudice when he clearly has (i.e. the scene where Oc calls him out on his misogynie

I have to admit that Hyejin and Somin are amongst my favorites because even though the plot (and the fact that we are basically supposed to be on OC’s side as the story is told from her perspective) makes them very unsympathetic, your writing allows us to understand their actions and empathize with them. Learning about Hyejin’s past with JK makes her look like the character of a fan fiction where she could have been the main character unfortunately for her, this is OC’s story so Hyejin can’t get the guy in the end. But truly, her backstory feels like an entire other ff in the story and to be honest basically every other character’s backstory as well as the subplots feel this way. And Somin, well Somin is basically going through the same thing as OC but with Hoseok so how can we mock her for it while crying for OC ? That’s impossible and that’s why your writing is so powerful, there is no clear ‘bad guy’ (appart from J*n but who cares about that roquefort face) and everyone is in that gray, humane area.

Every character has so many layer (I don’t count JK and OC in this because at this point we can’t talk about layers anymore it’s a damn millefeuille) and getting to discover more about them is amazing.

Basically, every side character reflects something on OC and JK and further the plot, the themes while feeling like their own individuals with their own complex thoughts and problems and I think that’s fucking brilliant.

And now onto my notes for every chapter (it’s low-key very messy sorry)

Chapter 1 :

Lord to thing that it started with a simple friend request :’)

I love how in the very first line, OC telling Mijoo how she knows JK instantly characterizes him to the reader, it’s smart BUT also characterize OC as someone quick witted and serious/professional but also very sarcastic, funny and taking no shit from anyone. Incipit done well here. I mean, so much exposition is crammed into the very first lines but it just feels soooo natural!

I also love how the dynamic between Mijoo and OC can appear « basic » but will later be revealed to be so much more complex and profound and that’s basically how everything in this fic just keep getting better and more complex as you read.

Also, I love how OC and JK’s first encounter is because they are both trying to help their best friends, I missed it in the first reading but it’s so telling of their characters. Also I appreciate OC not hating on JK just because she hates him from afar and he suddenly notices her and gets turned on by that (like in a lot of ff let’s not lie, I love myself some bad boy!AU but it’s getting redundant), she genuinely seems to not give a fuck about him and it’s so funny to me somehow, my girl just minding her business, getting her straight A’s and doing charity work, we stan. Also, the entire part where they complain about Jimin and Mijoo is downright hilarious

I really like the way JK says the poetry assignment is easy, hinting at the fact that he is, in fact, not a stupid fuckboi cliché (+ what happens with their presentation and him working his BUTT of)

The entire part where OC and Jk act like they are together is so DAMN FUNNY but at the same time it just shows that they have great chemistry from the get go and I love that. (But seriously it’s so f*ing funny)

I love they way OC’s crush on Jimin is brought up, it’s not outwardly said, but the way he is described form her pov makes it obvious and her helplessness when looking at him and Mijoo is just so heartbreaking (+ getting to me on a personal level since I’ve been in a very similar situation for years so :))) like, you can feel that she doesn’t want to be feeling this way, and is obviously trying to help her BFF and be selfless but cannot help but feel jealousy.+ JK immediately catching up on her crush, showing he is more observant than you’d think.

JK and OC being dumb & dumber AND partner in crime is everything I’ve ever wanted

The description of the feeling of loneliness post-parties is so accurate, and the way she feels is so relatable and heartbreaking.

The part about anguish and the way she feels suffocated by her feminine attire got to me and honestly I got really close to cryingThe end of the chapter upsets me in the best way, to see JK be so oblivious to how vulnerable and lonely OC is, man it really makes the entire thing so much more gutswrenching.

Highlights (basically lines that made me laugh or that I find particularly well written) :

“then I don’t know why he’s friended you”

“should I block him too?”

“can you get you get more obvious without tattooing ‘Park Jimin’ on your ass? It’s obvious he owns it anyways”

“why does this kid has so many shirtless selfies”

“it’s like this boy is like a walking cliché of the world’s most basic fuckboi” I see what you did here ;)))

“Ah… you knew?” The way I laugh EVERY time at this line

“Would you be really mad at me if I poured this all over your boobs?“ alkfnenfmefnkgjh Mijoo is my queen

“try her ass instead” JK you absolute moron genius

“Mijoo as been trying to get you laid since freshman” I looove how this just sounds so random and plays into the cliché of the extroverted BFF trying to drag OC to parties and get her laid but with OC’s backstory // Jin it makes SO much more sense

“I won’t feed you lies” he, said, you know, like a liar.

“Your worth as a woman isn’t defined by your purity or whatever bullshit” love the hint at the later reveal that JK is, indeed, a woke king. We stan

“But unfortunately, you aren't the altruistic saint you wish you could be. You suffer from the same human emotions that plague everyone. And they aren't pretty.Despite what the artists and poets claim, the world works in a logical way. It's a simple mathematical formula. Girls like Mijoo end up with their princes. And you remain a bitter stepsister, helpless but to watch their happily ever after from a distance. One that you'll never achieve.” God that part....

“Here is a man who actually wants you. Not you, but your body, a little voice in the back of your head reminds you. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that someone might actually desire you… ... He feels so thick inside of you that for a moment, the hole in your chest is filled” This is what I mean when I say that the smut in this story makes SENSE

“You wish you could cling onto this feeling forever so you'll never feel empty again.” The way this scene is supposed to be all smut sexy time but it is actually one of the most emotionally packaged and heart wrenching scene, really I can’t with your writing </333

“He grins at that, "I thought you knew me better than to take anything I said seriously?“Jk you manipulative mf I hate your fuckboi ass

"Ugh, please don't tell me you're a cuddler," you grumble as you twist in his embrace. "I'm not," he denies, but the way he buries his nose in your hair says otherwise, "And don't think about asking me to stay the night, because I'm not that kind of guy." The dynamic of the entire duo summed up in one paragraph

Chapter 2 :

The moment she reassures Mijoo and see what she is missing is :((

I remember than the first time I read new rules and feminist JK came clean I was honestly shocked (years of being guarded around men’s misoginy and fake feminism I guess) but re-reading it, it’s so nice to see the hints everywhere that he genuinely is and it warms my heart.

The convo JK and OC have about relationships and meaningless sex is not only such a good foreshadowing of the problems they will face later when it comes to coming clean about both their feelings (looking at you JK you moron) but also such a relatable feeling of ‘I know I said men are trash but I’m still vaguely heterosexual and would really like to believe that some aren’t and I know it sounds like I’m reassuring myself and honestly I am because it’s starting to become hard to really believe that’

The twits oh god the TWIST!!! The heartbreak it gave me, I was going to put some sentences in the highlights but honestly I almost ended up putting the entire scene so I gave in but it’s just so well written and nerve wracking to see what could have been and to realize that the friend that OC has been putting so much effort into helping betrayed her. Like, I can emphasis enough how much I cried reading this, considering I have been in a very similar situation, and that’s probably why this struck a chord so powerfully but wow.

The blowjob scene is simply another brilliant double meaning smut scene, the way OC is trying to regain control over something, someone, even if it’s not the one she wants, the way she makes him beg to hear compliments, heartbreaking (I know I’ve said this word like a million time and we’re just on chapter 2 but your writing really is something else)

The scene where she confronts Mijoo is in my opinion one of the BEST I have ever read, the way you can feel her heartbreak and her powerlessness but also the maturity she exudes, the way she tries to be the bigger person and do what’s right, lord I see myself here and it fucking hurts.

“He really likes you, Mijoo. Don’t let him slip away… You’ll only regret it.” The double meaning that applies to OC here is killing me

“On any other day, this is the kind of party you would protest, running around with a half dozen other of your feminist friends as you collect signatures for a boycott.” <3

“Wait… what makes you think that we’re supposed to be the hoes?” <3 <3

“Yeah. You really do.” Jk sometimes I really like you

“No, sweetheart. You’re the childish one for not being able to accept grown up emotions. Why is falling in love and caring for someone outside of their physical appearance so shameful to you? You need to grow the fuck up and realize that feeling for another human being does not make you weak.”<3 <3 <3

“Frat brothers are despicable…except this one, of course.” Absolutely love how first reading makes it sound like her crush is speaking and second reading shows her idealization of him here

“You swallow the lump in your throat. It would be one thing to see them wildly making out or grinding in the mosh pit like all the other horny kids. But to see them so enveloped in each other, content to just hug for the rest of the night… It hurts you more than you can express. You’d rather walk in on them fucking. This display of the purest affection… No one has ever held you like that before.You’re jealous. It’s shameful how horrendously jealous you are.”</3

“You need me?” you repeat in a small voice.” OC baby I get you I love you and you deserve th world ;(( </3

“You feel like such a villain, grilling this angel and making her upset. It’s such an irritating feeling, but you can’t choke it back.“It’s not like I liked him anyways…” Lord what have you done to my heart and I think it’s my favorite sentence in the entire story !

Chapter 3 :

OC protecting and looking out for Yerin is just so adorable I CAN’T

The discussion with Hyejin, the foreshadowing!!!!!!!

The way OC is self-aware and thinks JK only wants her body (and at the time it was highly likely) just makes the scene that much more heartbreaking, which makes me realize that all the smut scene up until now have been that way.

The entire chapter feels like a BIG call out to me thanks for that I guess. (I’m kidding it was wonderful and actually got me reflecting a lot on my habits and self deprecation)

“the ugly cage around your heart loosen a bit”

“Wow, your fungal cream is so nice. I hope you get that infection checked out." We love a considerate and caring man

“You would take this over the hollowness in your chest. You would gladly take the meaningless sex, the hard pounding of your pussy without a single gesture of affection. Who needs an emotional connection when you can have the pain beat out of you? Who needs someone to like you when you have someone to use you?” No words.

Chapter 4 :

I don’t know if I said that already but I just looooove the way you sprinkle hints here and here about everything ! Foreshadowing events and future revelations it’s just so nice to read and makes second (and third, and fourth) reading sooooo much more entraining and satisfying <3333. Like Oc and Mijoo are drunk and we get a snip at what happened freshman year, there were other hints previously but this just makes the reader WANT to know what the f* went down. And it makes up for Mijoo betrayal, it’s a nice way of explaining why OC « brushed » over her betrayal, we know that she was there in such a hard time for OC and yes it really builds the suspense around that whilst portraying Mijoo as more than the fake BFF who betrayed, I love that.

I love the way you use the word ‘ugly’ and how it’s very often associated with jealousy.

I want to address how much I adore your side characters and sub-plots. Like all of them are so likable (even Somin) and feel like genuine people with their own complex thoughts, seriously your characterization is out of this world! (special shout-out to Yoongi who is spot-ON imo). Like, I want to hangout with these people and be their friends.

ALso I feel like we are really starting to see Jk and OC’s chemistry (unrelated to being evil little matchmaker) and it’s SOOOOOO good, it feels so natural and seeing them slowly slide into a romantic relationship (don’t tell Jk) seems like the most natural thing (+ everyone thinking they are actually together and honestly they are)

"Hey so you like kick around a ball or whatever?" I love your humor I genuinely laughed at this

"Balls?" he says pointedly.” Same here

"Who are you talking about?" Jungkook asks in confusion, "I don't have a—ah you mean ___?" You sure didn’t think for long jk 👀👀and you didn’t even deny it 👀👀👀and you came as soon as being asked 👀👀👀👀👀👀sus

"Beats me," he whispers back, "I didn't even know we had a soccer team until this week!"LMAOOOOOOOOO

Chapter 5 :

The foreshadowing with Bang telling JK he is worried about his performance !! That’s why I love this fic so much! EVERYTHING is here, nothing happens out of the blue, you just have to pay attention to things to see things coming and not in a predictable but rather gratifying way.

The scene where OC hugs JK ? a masterpiece. I don’t know what more to say about it, it’s one of those things that touch on such a level that deconstructing it feels impossible and would break the spell, the intimacy I felt between the two of them and the stark contrast with Hyejin are perfect to characterize their relationship. Feels natural behind closed doors but lacking the words to clarify what they are, especially when faced with other people, and themselves. I L O V E it.

“you watch Taehyung roll around in the grass with his high-tech camera” don’t know why this is so funny to me but it is

"Are we not speaking the same language right now?!" Jungkook barks into the receiver, "Are you fucking high?" The fact that he barks it makes it even funnier

Chapter 6 :

Oc’s conversation with Taehyung about hookup culture (and her behavior at large) just SCREAM ‘I have had such a terrible experience with love before that I cannot even begin to think about letting it happen again otherwise I will never love again’ and it HURTS. But! The way she approaches things with such maturity and is so in touch with her feelings is simply admirable.

When OC is caught between Hoseok and JK at the party !!! It’s so frustrating but in the best way possible because they got soooo close to actually talking things out clearly and making things better but their pride and whatever got in the way and we know it! JK and Oc I love y’all but also you’re so stupid. (Also it’s exactly what I was talking about in my ‘misunderstanding each others’ part. I feel like this is during this chapter that they really start to fuck up the communication because that’s the chapter where it becomes abundantly clear that feeeeelings are starting to get into the mix, they both try to distract themselves (unconsciously or not) with someone else, HYejin and Hoseok, and miserably fails.

Also the domesticity!! That’s cute and fluffy and I’m blushing like I’m 12 year old again.

“You’re right, » he says « I have to get more creative” I have said that Taehyung is hands down the funniest character here ?

"I want someone to choose me," you admit in a small voice, "I want someone to fall for my personality—to love me because of my hot temper and annoying disobedience, not in spite of it. I want this person to be surrounded by prettier, nicer, sweeter girls, but still seek me out… I'd rather them fall for my personality first, then settle for superficial traits like my lacking appearance… Is that really too much to ask?" Once again, thanks for calling me out also I’m crying this is one of the best paragraphs you have written

“He's like a character from a 1950's romance novel stepped off the page” Oc sweetheart remember something else about the 50’s 👀👀 Like ... the sexism ?

“The moon is high in the sky at this point of night, not shrouded by dark clouds for once, and illuminating the entire rooftop with its luminous silvery gleam. But for some reason, it seems like all the moonlight concentrates into a single beam on Hoseok, surrounding him in a brilliant white halo. You swallow tightly and drop your gaze as though burned.” The imagery here is beautiful and I like that you associated him with the moon when he is usually the sun

"Oh, honey… You don't have to pretend to be strong in front of me." And there goes my heart.

"Did you think I was going to let her sleep on the streets or something?" is his sarcastic reply.You roll your eyes, "Thanks, Yoongi." We love character development (their friendship is so endearingly funny)

"Right… But um… what happened after the game on Saturday… uh…" A blush suddenly suffuses his cheeks, coloring his skin a lovely shade of rose, "I… I just wanted to—""Ah, that's right. There's another game next week," you hastily steer the conversation away, terrified by what he might say. "Don't worry, I'll be there too. I really need to start writing this article.""Oh, right… That's exactly what I was going to say," he says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.” I want to slap some sense in these idiots’ heads

"Yeah, but the problem is that I don’t want to." I am S C R E E C H I N G

Chapter 7 :

The scene where they wake up together and he smiles and calls her pretty and the misunderstanding scene makes me want to slap them you belated idiots

SO MUCH things happen in this chapter and I think it’s one of my favorite!! I have to say that the scene where OC protests against the date auction and faces the resistance of her sorority hit close to home. It’s always so heartbreaking to see fellow girls complying to sexism.

Also also, feminist JK keeps me up at night. Fuck yeah. (You know the lisa simpson meme with the orange juice, that’s me with feminist JK, give me MORE of that.

Also, her performance : I C O N I C

"You're just exclusive fuck buddies… Even though you don't do casual sex and Jungkook doesn't do exclusive. It totally doesn't feel like you're hiding your feelings." My thought exactly Mijoo

“Staying so guarded might protect you from pain… But it'll also protect you from any happiness." *Slow clapping*

“Why would you go for someone who doesn't see your worth? You deserve to be with someone picks you out in a sea of people. Who likes you the best." 👀👀👀

"…Do not resuscitate… Got it," you solemnly note.” You’re so funnyykekzldk

“You aggressively bid from backstage, even as Taehyung motions for you to get lost” I laughed out loud at this

« sold » HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIfhehfqenfoneqlfnqdkfncqefnlmzfkbnrdbfksvm kjnefkenfe hAAAAH ????!!! flefnekf HIIII ç!!!!ç!uj

Chapter 8 :

I’m sorry there is not much commentary about this one but I can for the life of me read it with a critical eye since I’m too caught up in the suspense and the fact that a million things are happening, the only thing I can think about is that your fiction, although it is a college AU is so versatile and you touch on so many other genre (here : sport) and manage to successfully make every single one enthralling and further your plot!

“Maybe if I had lost, you would've hugged me again." HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJZKELMLDIZPEKDLEBDLLDKKEJ

"Please, ___. Please don't go."But sheer panic flashes in his eyes when you attempt to shake him loose. "Don't leave me," he croaks out in desperation, "Please, ___. Don't leave me…"Not like she did." Don’t think I’m not seeing what you’re doing here 👀👀

Chapter 9 :

I feel high-key stupid because that’s like the 6th time I read New rules but I just realized that there might be a parallel going on between Jk and OC’s story, it’s obvious with the hints that you’ve sprinkled that something bad happened with JK’s past girlfriend but it’s just now re-reading Oc’s backstory with Jin that I realize that JK might have been in the ‘fucking around to get back/over his ex’ stage of his breakup like OC in the summer Freshman year, which led to him having his fuckboy reputation despite not ‘really’ being one (i.e. him saying that he hates hookup culture when Oc talks about her story)

Also, empathetic, feminist and understanding men make me w*t.

"Yes," he says, a smile tugging at his lips, "Yes, you did." I sEE YOU

"I don't know what goes through that fantastical imagination of yours” This might be my favorite line ever

“But you don't move one inch. Because you know Jungkook better than that.” Aaaawwwwwwww

Chapter 10 :

This is some greek tragedy shit right here. Mijoo trying to push OC and Jk because she feels guilty about JImin (she way you write it makes it seem so believable but I can’t decide if it’s true or not because we are seeing Oc’s perspective here and she knows she actually crushed on Jimin while Mijoo doesn’t, which would be a huge factor in her pushing OC towards JK) and also because she is the only one with a brain? Oc refusing to believe it and opposing semi-logical semi-bullshit arguments to convince Mijoo and even more herself that this isn’t happening because she heard JK talking to Hyejin ? Jk saying that because he’s an insecure asshole (and also very probably because of his ex girlfriend wink wink) whilst acting like the most belated man, ever ? Na a TRAGEDY!!!!!

Also, the entire speech that Mijoo gives, everything she says ???? A punch to the GUTS! ! !

THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER THEY CONSTANTLY THINK THE WRONG THING I WANT TO TIE THEM TO A CHAIR AND FORCE THEM TO ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (in a oh god HOW are they going to fix this and finally come to an understanding of each other kind of way)

He finally breathes when she says his name I’m :(((((((((

“it wasn’t fun” Love how this simple line implies that Mijoo and Jimin have problems and arguments of their own and makes them feel like human beings who have a life outside of the story.

“Or was your image of him so perfect and unrealistic that you couldn't tolerate these humanizing details?" Ouch!

"You're only pushing Jungkook on me to ease your guilt for stealing Jimin away from me!" I don’t have the words to explain the way I felt when I first read this line except : oh fuck. Goosebumps. Literal goosebumps.

"I like him," you abruptly confess, your soft voice breaking through the tense silence the same way the brilliant meteors abruptly burst across the darkness of night. "I like him so much." Masterpiece

“It's equally horrifying and an absolute relief to finally admit this deeply harbored secret after so long. After all these months of repression, it feels like a dam has burst with the way your emotions come tumbling out, threatening to choke you and sweep you underwater.” I said MASTERPIECE ! !

“Mijoo," you gasp, "What do I do?" Im crying. This isn’t a figure of speech. This isn’t an exaggeration. I’m crying. This entire scene is so powerful

“You know your role. You're just the side character—the best friend or comic relief. You have no right to even dream about a life by Jungkook's side—much less to feel this amount of pain and jealousy seeing him with another girl” .... talk about being relatable

“The loud electronic beat is pulsing through your veins with the same painful intensity of the tequila beating against the soft tissue of your brain. You feel like you’re being consumed by the powerful sensations… and yet, it's not enough to protect you from the helpless thoughts drifting across your mind, no matter how much you try to ward them back.” You really shine when it comes to making me cry

"Can't you just let me be petty and sulk for once?" Baby :(

“How could you have misinterpreted the situation so horrifically?” Well we have this saying in French that goes : love makes you fucking blind

“At this point of night, the moon has fully risen overhead, and its silvery rays cast down across the ocean, illuminating everything in white-gold. Awed, you can't help admiring the way the moonbeams kiss the top of Jungkook's black hair and the angles of his face, sheathing his figure like a cold halo.The waves continue to beat against the sandy beach like clockwork, and you sway with them, as though lost in a rhythmic dance lulled by the force of the moon. Your thundering pulse acts as a metronome in this dance, pounding away at a dozen beats per each drag across the shore. You are cold. So cold that you've lost all feeling in your hands and legs. But for some reason, you don't feel the need to shiver anymore.” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Could it have possibly been a defense mechanism? Was he just trying to protect himself in advance?” We are making PROGRESS

"Why is everything about sex with you?" HE SAID! AS IF HE WANS’T ABOUT TO DO WHAT HE IS AVOUT TO DO AND MAKE IT ABOUT SEX I HATE THIS MF

Chapter 11 :

My heart is non existent.The way Oc swallows her feelings to protect Yerin and stands up for her ❤️

I want to thank you for introducing a gay character in your story also Yoongi is one of the most interesting character in the story.

The way everything is slowly coming to a conclusion and every piece of the puzzle settles in the right place is so damn satisfying UGH

The scene where OC confronts Jk is so fucking satisfying, a masterpiece, 10/10, everything I wanted to hear come out of her mouth, my girl knows what’s up and won’t let this fucker get away with it.

"I've told you since day one that I'm not that kind of guy. God, can you even imagine me in a relationship?" he says with a derisive snort that feels like a punch to your stomach, "Did you honestly think that you could trap me into one with sex, ___? Or with a kiss? Come on. Get real." Your insecurities are showing asshole

"I hope you get over this soon, ___," he tells you in a sincere tone, "So we can get back to the way things were." Fight me in a parking lot salopard de merde

“Well, at least you've learned your lesson now.” I had to take a pause after this part

"What if they were my parents?" he asks in a quiet voice, "My siblings? My community back home? The people I love most in this world? What would you have me do then?" As a closeted bisexual this one hit close to home

“But Yoongi turns to you with an incredulous look, "You can't be serious. Anyone with eyes could tell that Kook is completely whipped for you. Where is this coming from?” Yoongi is my man

"You're a fucking coward." My thoughts exactly

Chapter 12 :

Getting through this chapter without crying is genuinely hard..All the girls standing up for themselves and not taking shit for the shitty men in their lives ???? YES PLEAse. And thank you for not only that but also including the girls that the story pushed us not to like that much up until now like Hyejin and Somin when really they were going through the same things as the holy trinity of best girls OC, Mijoo and Yerin.

I have… mixed feelings and I feel like these feelings are exactly what OC has been feeling all along with the conflict between her beliefs and her heart. I wanted them to go through this and by being « willing » JK would have eventually just realized everything and stuff because I love romance and shit. But I also want OC to get what she deserves, and it’s not that. I want them to have this happy ever after end but I feel like we won’t get that before long because as Hyejin pointed out, JK clearly needs to grow the fuck up.

"Oh, ___," she sighs your name.” Don’t mind me I’ll be crying over there

“For a split second, you consider feigning ignorance. It would be so damn easy to laugh along with him and continue living this lie of being the cool, sporty tomboy who doesn't care about stupid "girly" things. After all, Hoseok isn't a bad guy. He's so handsome, popular, and kind. And he likes you. Someone actually likes you. Isn't that better than being alone? For a split second, you're tempted to grab his hand and flash him an award-winning smile. For a split second, you contemplate giving up all your morals and living a life of comfort with this lovely, charismatic man.” I love you so much for writing this

"Sexist?" he repeats in horror, "The fuck are you talking about?! I'm no sexist!" You’ve perfectly channeled the and OC’s entire speech to him should be taught in school

"We're just in different places right now," you inform him in a small voice, "It'll never work out, so please don't make this harder than it needs to be." I’m dying but also proud, producing

"I think I'll channel Somin and cut the toxicity out of my life." Attagirl

To wrap up this overly long review, I want to say thank you to Tayegi for writing this piece and feeling generous enough to share it with us, reading this story and seeing the plot unravel, characters be introduced and developed was a true privilege. I rarely connect with the « reader » in reader fics and just say a random name in my head (or even 'your name ») but here, here… Never have I been so close to actually feeling like I’m the one in the fiction, not for the romance but for the way she is portrayed, for her ideas and how hard it is to stand by them sometimes, for her past and traumas. New rules is a masterpiece, and the fact that I connected to it on such a personal level, which, arguably could cloud my judgement, doesn’t make it any less.

#BTS jungkook #jeon jungkook #jeongguk #jungkook #jk #bts fanfic #fanfic review #New rules #god I finally finished this #I feel strangely nostalgic because I read this ff when I was in a really bad place and it resonated with me on so many levels #like it brought me comfort and to finish this feels like closure even though it's not even finished #it's like finishing harry potter all over again gosh #please read it :(((#I never see Tayegi and her amazing work in people pic recs and like recommandations it makes so sad she is the most talented person #I have been a silent reader for too long it was my way of compensating for that #Tayegi if you're reading this tags don't stress over updating this isn't about making you post faster this is me thanking you

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nonbinaryresource · 4 years

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ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities. A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #validation #exorsexism #gatekeeping #exclusionism #long post #identity policing #self care #identity #coping #queer #lgbt #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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moneyshvt · 4 years

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☆ . · . simay barlas, twenty-two, female, she / her . · . ☆ AYLA CLEARWATER lives in that huge mansion over there! no, not that one. look for THE LARGE NATURAL STONE FOUNTAIN and that’ll be it. the SPORTS PHOTOGRAPHER has offered occasional glimpses of LIGHT GREEN walls and an impressive collection of EMPTY PICTURE FRAMES in the background of social media posts, but all of that is nothing compared to seeing the opulence in person. they’ve remained CLEVER as ever since moving to tercet court one year ago, but it seems like they might’ve gotten a little more of NARCISSISTIC too. maybe that’s why they’re rumored to have such a FRIENDLY relationship with everyone else who lives on this street. ☆ . · . ooc info: ollie, they/them, 21, est . · . ☆

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

— she was adopted when she was just under two years old from turkey, so the clearwaters have always felt like her family to her. she knew the greater part of growing up that she was adopted, it just never was an issue for her. it was a fact, but it really wasn’t an important fact. she has no desire to try to find her birth parents or family, though she has visited turkey.

— the clearwaters are a triple threat in sports : her grandfather retired mlb player and coach, her father a retired prominent defenseman in the nhl and current dartmouth men’s hockey coach, and her older brother ( 26 ) is making a splash in his third year in the nfl as a wide receiver. however, her parents made sure she and her brother had a ( fairly ) average “middle class” bringing up, though they had their fair share of money in the bank. didn’t have to struggle, really, but didn’t get everything she wanted either. had a summer job scooping ice cream for two years in high school.

— grew up in norwich, vt, real big on nature and hiking and all that jazz and lowkey misses it in the heart of la.

— when she was ten she got one of those kid’s polaroid cameras ( u know the ones where the film is only a little bigger than a postage stamp ) and she was obsessed. she worked her way up through cameras over the years, having a natural eye for it.

— one of the first games she ever shot was one of her brother’s high school football games which sounds sweet but it was actually because she was so bored out of her mind and wanted something to do. needless to say, though, that was the start of it. some might say it was kind of inevitable she gravitated toward sports somehow — she was a clearwater at heart. since then she has gained a lot of knowledge and respect for all different kinds of sports.

— for college she was torn between dartmouth and nyu. she ultimately chose nyu because it was somewhere new.

— she went to nyu for advertising and photography, shooting various nyu sports teams while she was there and throughout her years, managed to shoot a few rangers, knicks, and yankees games as well. she held two summer internships with the yankees ( on her own merits or because of her family name, she may never truly know ) and ultimately graduated from nyu a year early.

— she then spent the better part of a year after graduation road tripping as you do and ended up in california. it’s all about who you know, and in picking up a favor for a friend in cali she stumbled into the perfect opportunity. from there she landed a role on the company that handles the photography for staples center and other notable teams, most notably the kings, lakers, and dodgers ( photography company based on this irl one ).

— she moved into tercet court not long after she knew she would be in la for much of the time being. it’s definitely not her house, considering she makes just enough to live on. it’s a family home, purchased initially by her father who’d wanted to sink some money into tangible assets instead of the stock market and to have a west-coast home available for the family. hey, worked out pretty well for her.

— she has predominately been tasked with shooting the kings the past year or so, though she started with shooting dodgers games last summer and is doing so this summer as well. she’s also shot a handful of lakers’ games when a friend needs someone to cover. three of her photos so far have been used in large ads and banners in the city ( including most recently her current MONEY SHOT of the game winning goal in a come back win ) --- very cool moment for her. several others have been used by local publications and websites.

— she does a little freelance work as well ; mostly for friends or friends of friends, though she’s been considering lately trying to make her skills and business available in a more professional manner. she does do a lot of photographing for herself --- a lot of candids ; she thinks they capture the true spirit of a person moreso than when they’re posing or prepared for a photo. but not in a creepy way --- she’s been the victim of the paps enough times by association with her family to know the correct boundaries and limits.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂

— lowkey loves playing games with the paps, though she’s probably the only one that finds it funny. as a photographer herself she has a good eye for where they’re hiding and will also snap photos of them in turn just for her own amusement.

— she hopes someday to be the team photographer for a team, hopefully in one of the “big four” ( nfl, nhl, nba, mlb )

— she played field hockey and lacrosse through high school.

— ayla thinks she’s better at shooting people. part of what she loves about being a sports photographer is how active and unpredictable it is to shoot a game. she’s had to learn a lot to try to predict what she can.

— very much a morning person. has never had a problem waking up in the morning. who’s jealous bc i am. goes for a run at sunrise, and has showered, gotten ready for the day, and is at a local cafe shop editing photos / making graphics and drinking an iced mocha by 8. truly couldn’t be me...

— so desperately wants to be that girl with tons of cute aesthetic plants in her apartment but tragically plants always die in her care no matter what she does. probably has gotten one of those tiny tabletop sand zen gardens to make herself feel better tho she still keeps trying with plants. so far the only ones that have lived any length of time are the air plants.

— she really wants a greyhound but is afraid to make the commitment to actually adopting one.

— her personal insta ( the non-sports one ) has a modest following. a few thousand, probs.

— she has struggled a bit with people who think her opportunities have only arisen because of her family pedigree ( which some have gone so far to tell her they’re “not her family” --- which, don’t even go there, lads... ), and that has made ayla work all that much harder to prove that she’d gotten where she has on her own merits.

— she has a rule ( and in the case of the nhl there is a rule enforced by a signed contract ) about not getting involved with anyone she shoots ; it’s considered a conflict of interest. i imagine she has a really good relationship with the players though --- probably doesn’t hurt that she is pretty. at least one of them have hired her to shoot their wedding this summer even though she is wildly under qualified.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

alya is a chill and laidback person at heart. her approach to the fame attached to her due to her father and brother has been to laugh it off good-naturedly. she’s generally well liked, with a hint of sass and humor. she comes across as a bit of an air-head at times, but that’s part due to a persona she put on from a young age. she has an observant eye that drew to her photography in the first place and will often allow her to draw certain conclusions about people. she’s well versed in all the sports she shoots, something that tends to surprise a lot of people, but how is she supposed to be good at her job if she isn’t ? if she gets bothered during games she typically shuts people down with wide eyes and some obscure bit of knowledge in her cute, raspy lil voice. dareisay... elle woods, what like it’s hard ? energy ??

a few of her downfalls include her narcissism and need to be liked. she looks to look and feel pretty, by her own standards, and is a queen of the self-timer and remote self photography : has two instas because of it -- one for her sports photography and one that’s a “personal” and mostly just pictures of herself. her need to be liked is something she doesn’t even realize. she likes to be seen in a positive light.

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

alya stands at 5′4″ with a slim but athletic build. her hair is naturally brown, but is dyed to have blonde highlights. she does not need glasses or contacts and has no tattoos.

she’s almost always wearing the same pair of beat up timberland’s she’s owned since freshman year of college. she likes to be able to move easily ( bc homegirl absolutely cannot walk in heels at all ). despite what the tabloids like to call her unfortunate choice in footwear, she likes to look cute, often pairing them with short, flowy sundresses or skirts + crop tops. when she shoots games, however, she’s dressed rather practically in skinny jeans, a crop top, and a cardigan. her hair is often kept down and loose, or in a messy bun.

𝐎𝐎𝐂

it me. ollie again. i also play fitz ( miguel bernardeau fc ). yes the overlap between fitz and ayla is not great but i truly only know one thing that that one thing is hockey asldfalsdjf sO. if y’all seeing me rping with myself on the dash bc i think it’d be fun to bounce fitz and ayla off each other mind ur own business...

#linksintro #( it's not a whole lot diff from the first time around alsdfj )

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ofieugogyshz · 4 years

Note

Notebook, television, shotgun!

this got long so rm’d

Notebook; How do you and your F/O(s) get your thoughts and feeling out, if not with words?

Lance is better at using his words than I am. Like, I mean, I can craft with words, but like, actually say them? oh man that’s a whole fuck. Well, actually, I guess it depends on the emotion behind the thoughts. Because I mean, I’m still mostly just ASKDJSKHDS when it’s a happy emotion but he can tell by the occasional babbling what feeling I’m trying to convey :P But when it comes to something like... frustration/sadness? Oh my god I am so emotionally constipated that I’ve BARELY been working on talking through my emotions and it’s hard so sometimes it winds up being something like typing/writing it out, even if he’s just right in front of me, and he’s okay with that, because he know how hard it’s been my entire god damn life to express myself and other issues there. He knows, and we’ve just. learned that it’s easier if I’m getting choked up to let me use the pen, so to speak

When I’m angry though.... I’m very vocal about that kldsjfkfjdk the amount of times he’s tried to calm me down before my medication..... please get this man a reward for being such a saint.

when it comes to him though, like... He secludes away for any sort of negative emotion. He’s already a pretty private person as it is, and he feels like he has responsibility to set a good example as someone who’ll wind up leading the clan, and... That’s a lot already. So when stress comes to head, he’ll go off somewhere by himself. He’ll often text me/let me know that he needs time by himself, because if he doesn’t, I’ll be blowing up the phone (mostly for my usual talky shenanigans, but if I’m aware that he’s somewhere not feeling well, then... I will still be trying to open up) Depending on what kind of bad it is, I’ll take a page out of his book and go spend time with him, let him know I’m there by actually being there. Because he’s always been there for me. It’s my turn to be there for him.

But for good/positive emotions.... He’ll smile, he’ll open up a bit more, he’ll become more relaxed/talkative? if that makes sense? like, less formal/professional speech. I mean he still very much has that tone regardless bc it’s just. part of who he is now, but like. He’ll express it, he’ll try to verbalize it, if it’s romantic he WILL verbalize it. Love involves a lot of affection and actions and words; making sure that I know that I’m loved as many ways as possible. I just. don’t know how to words it? Like he’ll tell me, he’ll give me affection, he knows because we’ve talked about it and figured it out, the ways that my brain feels lacking.... and I will admit that I kind of haven’t paid attention to how he communicates care for others. But... looking at his Pokemon, I definitely think spending time and being patient with hurt people, talking to them, trying to remind them that he’s there and that things are okay now... like. I’m veering off entirely from the original point of the question. but that’s okay cuz it’s my blog and i get to make the rules. Like... even with Silver in the Masters event! He talks with Silver, mentions that it’s been awhile since they’ve “talked like this”, presumably spending time together, being patient and helpful...

oh my god i can’t believe I forgot helpfulness.

anyways uhhh i need to leave room for the other questions fjksjhd so i’m gonna cut it off here now.

Television; How do you and your F/O(s) keep up with what’s happening in the world?

I.... don’t. I’m too burnt out. He, on the other hand, reads/watches the news, reports, etc. If it’s something that he’s going to get involved with [either as champion or with the pokemon g-men], he researches it. Sometimes he’ll let me know about something that he found interesting or think I would find interesting but.... I basically wind up with the same thing plastered over my twitter timeline 2000x and after that you just. kind of stop caring. I don’t know how my husband does it. bigger heart ig?

Shotgun; Which of you is the most aggressive when it comes to inconvenience and confrontation? Have you ever got physically violent with another party?

I... oh. this is loaded in maaaaaany different ways. So, like. On a personal, no outer world risk level, I’m... very. very aggressive. not as much as I used to be since getting on mood stabilizers [thank stars] but. i’m still. Aggressive. But I also don’t do confrontations because i’m a crybaby and my history of confrontations involved... less than good reasons and dismissive reactions, so I tend to just. avoid it as well. LOL;;; My husband, on the other hand, isn’t aggressive about small annoyances like that? and he’s pretty good about confrontations! so i have him tell people to stop being noisy and giving me headaches. When it’s not threatening the safety of others, he’s very calm and direct in his confrontations and handles situations pretty well, imo...

Now, uh, for the latter half...! I have not gotten violent with people, but i’ve also only every been that angry that I was afraid I was going to throw something like.... once or twice in my life, and I made sure I went on what wound up a LONG ASS WALK for like an hour with the subject of my anger so I could yell at them about what happened. I mean, I’ve thought violent thoughts about people, and there is one who I wish the utmost ill upon that would make other forms of torture look tame, but I’ve also never been in a state where I could do anything about it.........

My husband has had to uh, apprehend people with a Hyper Beam or two though. But it was for their own good! god how different my life could have been if he could have come in and saved me from all that... I know he wouldn’t’ve stood for all of that... esp if I thought it was unfair, and he’s got the stronger set of morals between the two of us. He honestly only does it if he ever really has to. And, unfortunately, with some thieves and evil organizations, force is necessary. He does try to reason with Archie when he gets possessed by the (blue?) orb, but unfortunately he’s so far gone that it doesn’t work, so force becomes necessary. And Team Rocket... well, they’re team rocket, they’ve done worse things to Pokemon than a Hyper Beam. They’ll live.

#ask to tag?#violence mention cw?#minty-fresh-kicks #asks

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jelzorz · 5 years

Text

gifts - a fic

[Not on AO3 bc i have to be up in 5 hours and I didn’t want to screw around with tags today. For that anon who sent me that I Wish You Would Write ask where Zym gifts Callum and Rayla the best bits of his hunt].

The first time, it’s a fish.

Nothing too outrageous - just something little from Zym to his human and elf to say thanks for taking such good care of him so far. It’s been a month, maybe, since he rolled out of his egg, tiny and excitable and too clumsy to be of any use to them on their long journey to his supposed home.

The trip has been long. His feet get tired and sore, and the muscles in his wings aren’t quite strong enough to let him fly for longer a few yards at a time. He doesn’t fit in his human’s pack any more, but they carry him anyway. He likes it when his human holds him in his arms, or when his elf lets him sit on her shoulders, and they go out of their way every night to make sure he’s warm and safe before they settle in themselves.

It’s very nice of them to. They’re not like him, as far as he can tell. There’s no obligation to look after him as well as they have been, but they don’t seem to mind. He wonders, at times, if there are ways he can thank them personally - ways he can show his appreciation for all their trouble when they don’t understand his yips and chirps.

He figures out a way the day he follows his elf into the woods to watch her hunt.

She’s very quick. Her footsteps are light, even as steps carefully over fallen leaves and dry twigs, catching rabbits with her hands with such ease that Zym decides it can’t be that hard to hunt, and, little as he is, maybe he can help. He is a dragon, after all. He should learn to hunt for himself.

He thinks breakfast might be a good opportunity to show his thanks.

They fall asleep that night huddled together for warmth, Zym curled up in the crook of his elf’s arm while his human keeps watch, and when his human nods off just before dawn (he tends to, but his elf never knows about it), Zym climbs out of his elf’s arms and sniffs curiously at the morning air.

There’s a river nearby. He can hear it babbling quietly in the distance; can smell the wetness of its bank even from here. He follows it, careful not to stray too far from their campsite so he doesn’t get lost.

It takes him a couple of tries - it’s difficult, being so little that the current might carry him away if he’s not careful - but he manages. He catches one fish for himself; holds it in his paws and chews against it, enjoying the taste of it in his mouth, and, pleased, goes for a bigger one to bring back to camp.

It’s hard work. The fish is heavy in his jaws, but he lugs it back anyway to find his human and his elf in a yelling match with each other about where he might have disappeared to.

He yips.

Sets the fish at their feet.

Grins proudly at his work when their shouting stops immediately, and they stare at him, and then his fish, and then at him again, before his elf visibly relaxes and laughs into her fist.

“Is this for us?”

He nudges it closer to their feet by way of an answer, his tongue hanging happily out of his mouth.

“Aw, bud,” laughs his human. “You didn’t have to do that. Thank you, though.”

They crouch over, their animosity gone and entirely replaced by grateful smiles. “Thanks,” they keep telling him. “We’re so proud of you! Good job!”

But their smiles and their affection is all the thanks he needs.

The second time, it’s a deer.

He’s getting pretty big now - not so big that he can carry it off on his own, but big enough that he needs more than they can catch. He’s still growing - his head comes to his human’s elbow now, even though he could swear it’s only been a few weeks more.

He doesn’t get so tired anymore. He flies off somedays - scouts the area for them and makes sure to lead them away from bunkers and roads. He’s glad to be helping them - they’ve done so much for him already, and even though they know he can hunt for himself now, they still go out of their way to make sure he has a whole rabbit to himself for dinner.

One evening, when his elf comes back with only one rabbit, they give it to him.

They don’t argue about it. They take one look at each other and somehow conclude without even talking that his need for it is greater than theirs.

His elf tosses it to him, her smile unfazed by the fact that she and his human will have to make do with berries tonight. They settle by the fire, distracting one another by throwing berries into the other’s mouth, his human cheering loudly when his his elf snaps one out of the air with her teeth. It’s nice, he thinks, that they can be so content even though times are hard, but it won’t do.

He lumbers off, his feet too heavy and too big for the rest of his body.

His elf and his human watch him go, but they don’t stop him. No one’s foolish enough in Xadia to try and attack a storm dragon, and, in any case, he’s big enough now that he can look after himself. He won’t be gone for long.

He finds a family of deer by a milkfruit bush a little way away. He feels a little bad - they’ve done nothing wrong, but the way of life is complicated, and it’s important that his elf and his human have the strength to travel and to defend themselves if they need to. They can’t do that so well on empty stomachs, and between a deer and his companions, he knows which he’d prefer.

He waits in the bushes. Picks one that’s a little bit older, and a little bit bigger, so that at least the young ones might have a chance to live a bit longer. Then he lunges.

The deer scatter, but he’s faster. He catches one in his jaws; bites down on its neck and holds it against the ground; waits for it to fall still and lifeless before he drags it back to camp.

His human is drawing when he gets there. It’s a picture of his elf, he thinks, as she sits by the fire and sharpens her blades. They’re so used to the heaviness of his footfalls now that they don’t even look up when they hear him, and when his human turns at last, he yelps and scrambles backwards, his sketchbook falling out of his lap.

“Is - is that a deer?”

Zym lets out a low purr. A stranger might think it’s a growl, but his human and his elf know better than that. It’s proud and pleased and generous, and he nudges the deer towards them and kneads the ground, glancing between them and his deer in a way that hopes they like his gift.

“Zym,” laughs his elf. “Did you get this for us?”

He purrs again and nudges it once more. It’s only fair, he wants to tell him. They gave him a whole rabbit before, knowing they’d go hungry for it. They deserve a whole deer to themselves.

“Ahaha - thanks buddy,” says his human at last, looking somewhere between bewildered and grateful for an entire deer they absolutely won’t get through. “You didn’t have to do that.”

They don’t have to look after him either, but they do. It’s what family does.

The third time, it’s a horse.

He’s a lot bigger now. Not so long ago, he used to snuggle into his human’s side for warmth and ride on his elf’s shoulders like a dragon scarf. Now, he’s big enough to carry them when they get tired, and they lean against his side, his tail curled protectively around them on the nights they have to sleep out in the open.

They’re getting close, he thinks. He can feel it in his bones, but as nice as it will be to meet his mother at last, he’s sad that his adventure with his human and his elf is coming to an end. They keep talking about his home like it’s this distant, discrete place - “It’s where your family is,” his human tells him, “You’ll be safe there.”

He’s safe here, he wants to tell them. This is where his family is. In all honesty, he doesn’t want to go home if it means his human and his elf will go away.

But he understands. Truly, he does. The war might end, if he goes home. His human and his elf might find a way to be happy together if their people didn’t hate each other so. Things will be better for everyone. He just wishes there was a way they could all stay together.

But they’ll go back to his human’s city, he thinks. The same city his other human - the smaller one with the fuzzier hair - had gone home to where he’s ruling as King. It’d be nice if his elf could stay, at least, as part of his Dragon Guard, but his human needs her. He won’t make it home in one piece without her, and she’ll be happier with his human than she’ll ever be with him.

It makes him sad. He wishes he could tell them.

On their final day of travel, Zym wanders away. Not because he doesn’t want to go home, but because he wants to make sure his human and his elf get home safer, and sooner, and he won’t be around to carry them anymore when their feet get sore or when they’re too tired to walk.

He comes back with a horse.

He holds it gently in his claws, careful not to hurt it; sets it gently on the ground in front of him as they stare at him, wide eyed and unsure.

It whinnies, afraid of him, but his elf reacts quickly, her hand going to its mane to calm it while he looms over head. “Is he for us?” she whispers, understanding.

Zym nods his head, solemn and sad that they’re so close to going their separate ways. He’ll miss them, he thinks. He’ll miss them very much. He’ll live much longer than the both of them, but he’ll never forget them.

He hopes they’ll never forget him.

“You didn’t have to do that, bud,” says his human, patting his snout gently. “Don’t be sad. We’ll come visit. All the time.”

“So often you’ll get sick of us,” adds his elf. “And what will Ezran say if you never visit him?”

He snorts at them both, his breath furling around them like storm clouds on the horizon.

“We’ll miss you, Zym,” murmurs his human. “But don’t worry, okay? You’ll see us again before long. We promise.”

It feels more like a pipe dream than a promise, but they’re determined - Zym’s been with them long enough to know that. He huffs. He’ll hold them to it, he thinks. They’re family, after all.

#rayllum #zym #azymondias #what i wanted something cute #adc has a plot now and i wanted mindless fluff #fight me

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tintinwrites · 5 years

Text

the stars were made for falling | Poe Dameron x Reader | Part Six

A/N: Hey, it’s been a while since I posted a chapter of this! Holiday season was crazy busy and when I had the time to write, I just didn’t want to. But I got the chapter finished and I think it’s ok???????? It’s not that great, but I hope you guys like it anyway lol. Work is back to normal so I’m hoping to write more!! <3

Rating: Hard T, soft M for just the dark themes of the story

Warning: Reader has to kill someone. Poe is broken and nearly unrecognizable it’s gr8. Hux is lowkey into you bc you’re hot. Naughty language. Lots of crying or almost crying. These kids are in a lot of pain. Poe deserves a hug. Everyone deserves a hug.

Word count: 2,975, apparently!!

Summary: You prove your loyalty to the First Order, and your move to the dark side destroys Poe.

Masterlist

GIF credit: No idea, but it’s not mine.

Tags: @marvelous-revengers @fandomnerdxox

You fantasized that the First Order would immediately set you free and let you do as you pleased, but that was pretty unrealistic.

You were put into a bigger, well-lit cell, at least.

A cell which stormtroopers actually entered to give you food.

Food that was more than sludge; slightly fluffy bread was delivered to you with your usual water. You ate it like it was the finest meal you'd ever been given.

Much to your surprise, it was only a day or two before a stormtrooper came and lead you rather gently down the hallway.

Gently meaning that you weren't dragged or forced with a blaster to your back.

Even though you had a new plan and things were different, you were still a little scared as you were brought into Hux's office. There was obviously the possibility that he knew your plan and was lulling you into a false sense of security, and was about to kill you.

But he smiled at you and stood as you entered, walking around his desk to meet you. "I must say, I wasn't as surprised as I expected to be when you said you wanted to join us. I knew you had potential all along."

Good. This was good. Well, it wasn't good that you had some clear potential to be evil, but it was good that he wasn't suspicious of you.

"But I do wonder how much they've ruined your mind. If you can really come back from years under their ideology." He didn't see your face fall as he moved to speak into your ear. "And a small part of me wonders if you are...lying?"

"I'm not," you said almost too quickly, too nervously, trying to keep a level stare as he moved to look at you. "Poe Dameron and the Resistance have brought me to captivity and torture, and I can see what they are now."

Liar. Liar.

Did you lie better than Poe, you wondered.

"Only looking out for themselves, yes?" He hummed. "Oh, it's so easy to act. No, I want you to prove yourself; prove that you've learned, that you're strong enough to be with us. Strong enough to kill your pilot, perhaps. I won't have a pathetic traitor running around this base, trying fruitlessly to escape. Bring the girl in."

The girl? What girl? Weren't you 'the girl'? Weren't you pretty much the only girl around here as far as you knew?

Apparently not. A young woman was dragged in, your age or perhaps younger, crying and struggling against the cuffs that bound her arms behind her back.

"She was conspiring against us, helping anyone she could to fight back. It's a good thing we took control of her planet before she could do any sort of damage." As Hux explained, you felt a weight in your hands and then he was guiding your arms up. "Go ahead."

You were confused for a moment; you looked at Hux, then at your hands. You knew what was going on when you saw the added weight was a blaster.

"No!" You immediately lowered the blaster. "I...I mean, I want to kill Poe because I hate him. I don't hate her."

"Killing has nothing to do with hate. It has to do with necessity." He grabbed your arms firmly and raised them up. "Hatred just happens to make it more fun. Now, prove yourself to me."

If you didn't prove yourself, he would know everything was a lie and you imagined whatever came of it would make you consider your previous arrangements to be enjoyable.

But you had to convince him by murdering an innocent person.

You must have been watching the woman weep for too long as Hux moved to speak in your ear again.

"If you think what you went through was difficult, you would be horrified at what's in store for her. You'll be putting her out of her misery, just like your pilot should have done for you, and just like I would do for you. I can be loyal if you are willing to do the same."

"I..."

You wanted to turn the blaster on yourself.

But you couldn't leave Poe.

And if what they would do to the girl in front of you was worse than isolation, practical starvation, torture of you, and torture of someone you cared about, how could you let her go through that?

Was killing her really the better option?

"I know you. You're from the Resistance!" The way she looked at you and sobbed in relief had you trembling harder than you already were. "Please, get us out of here..."

"Do the right thing." Hux spoke so softly, his words should have been sweet. "Do what the Resistance is too selfish to do."

If you killed her, she would be out of harm's way.

Your plan would continue.

But you would kill her.

She was looking at you like a hero, expecting you to save her when you were going to do the opposite. Or at least save her in a different way.

"Please...I want to go home."

"Oh, fuck." Tears were filling your eyes, but you held them back because otherwise Hux would know that this was destroying you too much for someone who claimed to want to kill a friend.

You tightened your grip on the blaster. You had to do this.

Even if the girl's eyes widened in recognition and she started to cry harder.

Even though your finger hesitated on the trigger, refusing to move enough to cause any action.

You had to do it for you, for Poe, for the Resistance, and for the girl in some fucked up sort of way that protected her from a life of torture.

But it hurt so much. Your chest was squeezing, your entire body shaking, your tears were begging to fall, and a sob was building up within you.

She wept with everything she had.

You noticed the weeping stop and everything go silent before you actually noticed you'd pulled the trigger.

And there she was, on the floor, eyes staring at nothing and one of her shoulders bent awkwardly in her position. Not that she would feel it, since you had just—

You dropped the blaster so quickly that Hux had to catch it more than simply take it from you.

"Remember, this isn't the first time you've killed." He was right about that. "But it is the first time you've done it rightfully. You have proven your strength and loyalty. Now return to your cell for the time being."

You barely listened to him, walking in almost a trance as a stormtrooper took you out of the office. As the door shut, you snapped out of it and every emotion that you forced back came rushing forward.

You wept like the girl.

"No, no, no, no. Oh, fuck." Your knees gave out and the trooper had to pull you back up, practically dragging you down the hallway. "What did I do? What did I do?"

You knew exactly what you did, and that didn't help.

Seeming insane to any passerby, you continued to sob out 'no's and profanities, even as you were shoved into your cell, You stumbled and collapsed, crying against the floor as your actions continued to dawn on you.

You could see her eyes.

You could feel her eyes.

It took you a moment to notice that the stormtrooper was standing in the doorway, staring at you. You tried to pull yourself together. "Plea—please don't—don't tell Hux." You figured they were watching to report that you were weak, but they kept staring. "Wha—what?"

Your breath hitched in slight hope, your sobs softening just a little as you forced yourself to sit up. "Finn?" They just kept standing there, proving themselves in a much tamer way than you'd just had to prove yourself. "Finn!"

You practically crawled towards him, seeking comfort from a friend that you didn't deserve. It seemed to spook him out of whatever reverie he was in, making him back up and shut the door.

Alone. It took you a moment to process his quick departure, then your tears returned.

Finn was irrelevant at the moment, compared to what you did.

You killed a completely innocent woman who was begging you to save her, all so you could follow through with your stupid plan.

You curled up against the wall, shivering and sobbing.

You always considered yourself to be on the light side, that you would never turn to something as obviously wrong as the dark side.

But could you be sure of that now?

Would killing someone innocent be the start of something you wouldn't be able to stop?

You'd been staring at the wall for hours.

She wasn't the first person you killed. How many stormtroopers had you taken out, not considering that there were human beings underneath their armor?

Those had been life or death situations.

Was killing that girl life or death, or just your selfishness? You wanted to save Poe — and yourself, if you were being honest — and put so much importance in your plan to do so, that you had done the unthinkable.

She was so innocent. She was good, better than you could ever dream of being.

So desperate. So afraid.

Of you. It wasn't Hux who killed her, no matter how many times you tried to rationalize that you were forced into it.

No one forced you. You killed the girl all by yourself, with too little hesitation in your opinion.

If you and Poe did get out, could you really just join the Resistance again? Now that you were a murderer?

More of a murderer.

You didn't look up when the door opened. You didn't look up when a stormtrooper walked over to you. You didn't look up as they spoke to you. You didn't look up when they held out pristinely folded clothes.

"General Hux has requested for you to change."

You might have made a biting comment before, but you couldn't now. You were on their side and you killed someone to prove it.

Instead, you took the clothes and unfolded them. It was some sort of First Order uniform, though of a very low rank. It was dark and plain, with their symbol sewn into it. You didn't even get a hat.

"Thank you." You weren't sure why you thanked them.

"Come to the door when you're finished."

You watched the stormtrooper leave, and you made yourself stand, and you made yourself change, and then you slowly walked to the door.

The stormtrooper allowed you to walk by their side, so you certainly proved yourself.

You still couldn't manage to be happy about it.

When you approached Hux's office, you felt a jolt of fear go through you at the possibility of having to kill someone else. Or maybe they left everything and wanted you to clean it up.

All you could focus on was how hard your heart was beating. Hadn't you done enough? Couldn't you get a break and figure out the rest of your plan, and get somewhere safe where you could destroy yourself for what you'd done?

The sight of Poe there, on his knees with his gaze on the floor, only served to make your heart beat even harder because were they going to have you kill him already?

No, you needed time. You had to complete your plan and get the two of you out before killing him became a real option.

Beneath your fear was something pitiful; the desire to collapse before him, to crawl into his lap and weep about what you'd done. To admit that you killed someone to save your and his asses, that you might as well turn to the dark side, that you were awful, that you should have turned the blaster on yourself instead.

But you couldn't. You wanted to kill him as far as General Hux knew, and you had to keep your entire being neutral. Your legs and your chin trembled, but you stood tall and kept your tears at bay. You decided it would be best not to look at Poe.

"Eyes up, dog," said Hux from where he stood behind his desk proudly.

You heard a strangled noise, and then you realized why they had given you this outfit and why they brought you to see Poe.

Today you would be killing him, but not physically.

"No, no, no, no, baby, not you. Please, not you." You could tell he was crying just from hearing him speak.

There was a sudden force against your legs that would have had you toppling over were it not for the arms wrapping around you, Poe's face pressing to the front of your pants.

You stood stiffly and stared straight ahead as he wept, fighting your damn hardest to keep from crying with him. If you thought seeing him in pain was difficult, nothing prepared you for seeing this strong, good man completely falling apart at your feet.

You thought he had been broken before.

You couldn't say sorry. You couldn't fall to the floor with him and hold him, and tell him that none of it was real.

You could stand there and pretend you didn't care. That was it.

"Do you know what she said, dog?" There was the prideful, amused general, walking from around his desk. "That she hates you. That she wants to...kill you." Now he did laugh; apparently he was capable of it.

"No, this is a lie." Poe pulled away enough to look up at you desperately while you continued to stare straight ahead. "Tell me this is a lie! Tell me they didn't get to you, please."

"Kick him away."

"You can't do this to me, you're supposed to get out. I have to get you out."

You closed your eyes against the coming tears, forcing yourself to nudge him with your knee, which barely made him move. You nudged a bit harder, managing to get him to give away enough for you to start to move back.

He followed, grabbing at any part of you he could. "You're so strong, sweetheart, you can't let them turn you into this. Please tell me you're faking this."

The Poe you knew might have gone along with this, might have realized you were doing this for protection.

But the Poe you knew had not been a broken man who saw his kindest friend turned into a heartless stormtrooper. If Finn had fallen, what hope was there for you?

He kept begging as you squirmed to get out of his grip, so pitiful that your tears were trying to fall and you knew you had to get out of there. You were seconds away from diving into his arms, admitting everything, and begging for forgiveness that wasn't even his to give.

He was completely breaking because of you when all you wanted to do was to get him out and help him heal.

Was this plan worth it? Would you succeed? And if you did, would Poe be okay? Or would this be what completely brought him down?

He grasped desperately at your ankles when you pulled away, causing you to fall to the floor, scrambling to get away from him. Your plan would be ruined if you broke with him.

A stormtrooper dragged him back and you hurried to your feet, running out of the room without a care if you got in trouble. Even if it revealed to them that this was all a ruse, at least they might put you out of your misery.

You hadn't realized you were barely breathing until you stumbled into the hallway and took the deepest breath you were sure you ever had in your life. You held onto the wall to stay standing, closing your eyes tightly as you reminded yourself, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

There were footsteps behind you, followed by a suspicious tone, "Is something the matter, Y/N?"

Your name sounded strange on Hux's tongue. It made your skin crawl.

You would be absolutely fucked and not at all put out of your misery if you admitted that this was all fake.

Slowly straightening up, you turned to face him. "I...hate being touched by him. He betrayed me and I..." You trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

You didn't realize you were avoiding his gaze until he gently grasped your chin, lifting your head to search for the truth in your eyes.

"I see." His thumb ran over your bottom lip, with no Poe to jump him. No actual you to kick his ass because you had to pretend to tolerate him. "Once your last thread to the Resistance is gone, you and I could make...quite the team." The way his fingers trailed along your jawline told you clearly what sort of team he had in mind.

"Yes." Now you wanted to cry even more than before.

Maybe you were in over your head with this plan. What if you couldn't figure a way out before you were faced with your 'desire' to kill Poe?

Would they kill you if you refused? Or continue to torture you until you were old and withered?

You could imagine them killing Poe in front of you and making you live with the pain.

Or maybe they would do it the other way around.

Hux pulled away, seeming almost satisfied. "His public execution will be held two days from now. You may choose the weapon, of course."

In over your head or not, you were going to have to go through with this.

Unless some miracle got you, Poe, and Finn out of it.

A miracle would have been really fucking helpful at this point.

#poe dameron imagine #poe dameron x reader #star wars imagine #poe dameron fic #idk why you guys like this #jk i actually do #human feels demand angst #it's just our thing #poor Poe #and reader obvs #the stars were made for falling

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mayuuunaise · 5 years

Text

fic: the price we pay (01/??)

a/n: u v u king of caste au bc i’m a sucker for angst and gang wars LOL i had to cut the first chapter in half bc it was getting too long though :’D

fandom: b-project: koudou ambitious read on: ao3 | under the cut

When Tsubasa’s mother breaks the news of her discontinued scholarship to her, the first thing she thinks about is Nome-san and how he’ll be burdened with even more work from now on, having to balance the athletics club, some unknown after school extra-curricular that they don’t like talking about, and now secretarial work on top of it all. The next thing that registers in her head is that oh, wait, she won’t be leaving just the student council but Houou Academy itself, isn’t she?

“Tsubasa-chan?” Her mother calls out her name and snaps her from all the worry her head seems insistent on clogging her brain. The older Sumisora looks close to tears, weary and tired from working two jobs just to let them scrape by. “This, I—I’ll work something out, Tsubasa-chan, don’t worry. There’s only half the school year left, ri, right? We can scrape together enough to pay for half of the tuition fee — somehow — and, I could borrow money from your aunt, okay?”

Tsubasa looks in horror at her mother slowly but surely coming undone. The older woman collapses into a seating position on the kitchen chair, burying her face with shaking hands. Her mother hates her aunt, how could she even think about borrowing money from a woman who has practically disowned them after her father died?

“Mother—”

Her mother continues rambling, most likely hasn’t heard Tsubasa call out to her in such a meek voice. “I might need to get a third job… or, or you could work part time for your allowance— oh, I’m sorry, dear. You should be focusing on your studies, what am I thinking—”

“Mother.”

Her voice is firmer and Sumisora Miho finally looks up to face her daughter. There’s a sharp jolt in Tsubasa’s chest when she finally sees how disheveled her mother looks even though today is supposedly the only day of the week she should be resting. The dark circles under her eyes look like they’ve stained her skin permanently, her cheek bones more pronounced than they usually are. It isn’t supposed to be this hard on her mother, nor on her. Life shouldn’t be this unfair.

So Tsubasa sucks it up, as always, and gives her a watery smile that doesn’t quite reach her wine coloured eyes.

“Mother, it’s okay. We don’t have to stay.” She tells her and it’s a miracle that her voice stays even. “I understand, I can drop out of school for the year, or enroll in a public school nearby. It’ll be okay.”

Fresh tears well up in her mother’s eyes before she buries her face in her hands again, choking back sobs as her shoulders shake. Tsubasa gathers her in her arms and rubs soothing circles on her back. Apologies spill from her mother’s croaking throat and Tsubasa wishes it doesn’t have to be this way.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, god, Tsubasa-chan—it, it isn’t— you’re not supposed to— I’m so, so sorry.”

Budget cuts, they say. The academy will be building another wing for extracurriculars and the board of directors have decided to cut the budget for their scholarship program for underprivileged students with high potential, like her. They’ve decided that her scholarship has been terminated for the school year, but she’ll be able to continue if they pay for half of the tuition fee. They list down options for her payment, should she wish to continue in the academy, and will be accepting installments with set deadlines if needed be. Considering she’s in the special course, there is also the matter of her extra classes to discuss—

Tsubasa doesn’t read the letter any further than that, the entirety of it making her sick to her stomach.

Her mother continues to weep in her arms and Tsubasa hugs her tighter through the night.

—

Tsubasa supposes ripping out the metaphorical bandaid should be better than delaying the inevitable.

“What’s this?” But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“My resignation letter, President.” The brunette tries her hardest not to let her voice crack. The way Kitakado stares at her — ice blue eyes unblinking, intense, right through her soul and completely ignoring the painstakingly handwritten piece of parchment in his hands — makes her waver. Tsubasa doesn’t wait for a response or a rebuttal, not from the student council president sitting calmly in a quiet cold, nor from his younger assistant standing by his side. Instead, she bows, deep and solemn at the waist, before asking to excuse herself and rushing out of the room she once called home.

—

Ryuuji asks her later on when he catches her hiding in one of the west wing’s stairwells, if she isn’t upset at all about it, if she doesn’t find it unfair for the school to suddenly just take away a gift they’ve already given. Tsubasa has grown numb with the topic, but the venom in Ryuuji’s pretty fuchsia eyes as he asks her, quietly, to be angry and to grow upset with how unfair her circumstances has come to be, leaves a stinging pain in her chest.

Instead she escapes with a response that doesn’t strictly answer his question, gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes as she says, “I’ve been very lucky already, to be able to study here for as long as I have and meet all of you.”

The noncommittal hum that comes out of Ryuji’s mouth tell her it’s not the answer he has been looking for. He doesn’t say anything else, and leaves her cold and lonely with only the sound of receding footsteps stopping her from letting her tears fall.

—

Tsubasa breaks the news to Hikaru when she asks to walk with him all the way to his part time job that same afternoon, instead of just to the station as per usual. Hikaru is silent — for once — the entire time she talks, and Tsubasa thanks him for it with all her heart. She hasn’t been able to talk freely about it with anyone, knows that they won’t be able to understand as well as Hikaru would.

When Tsubasa is finally done, she sees an unfamiliar, angry expression crossing Hikaru’s handsome face.

“That’s messed up!” He exclaims, looking close to throwing the skateboard under his arm. “Can’t we tell them to stop the construction? The Prince is the student council president and the chairman’s nephew—!”

“I, I couldn’t ask Kitakado-san to do that. It’s already been decided.”

“Well— what if, what if I gave you my scholarship? Would they take it? It’s only a half, unlike yours, and you’d need to work part time but I—”

“Hikaru-kun, you know that’s not allowed.”

“But—“

“Your mother and your younger siblings are all counting on you.” Her frown wavers at the guilty look Hikaru gives her. Tsubasa’s expression softens and she sighs, letting out all the frustration with it. “And besides, I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Hikaru looks unconvinced and they walk along the streets in silence until Hikaru asks her in the quietest voice Tsubasa has ever heard from him, “Do you know when you’re leaving?”

“This is my last week,” she admits in an equally quiet voice, hands fidgeting with the hem of her school blazer. Briefly, she wonders if she’ll need to return the uniform along with her school sanctioned text books by the end of this week. “I’ve handed my resignation letter to Kitakado-san earlier as well. I’ll be telling Nome-san in person soon, please don’t say anything to him yet.”

“Ah… that means Tatsu will have to do actual student council work. I wonder if he can handle it all.”

Tsubasa lets out an unexpected laugh at his words. “Nome-san is very capable, he just doesn’t have time for it.”

“Whaaaat? Tatsu would totally be all frustrated and stuff with all the note takings and the meetings! You know that’s why we had to get you, right?” Hikaru pouts.

“Among other things,” Tsubasa hums with a small upward twitch of her lips. She’s grateful for Hikaru, even if she initially had zero interest in serving with the student council. She’s grown to become attached to the boys she’s been working with and her days always seemed more colourful alongside them. Tsubasa feels a little close to crying at the memories flashing through her head; she clears her throat instead and squares her shoulders like the way Nome would always remind her when she seems to be retreating in herself.

“But I know Nome-san will be fine; I’m certain.” Tsubasa looks up and gives him what she hopes is a reassuring smile. Hikaru’s pout gets bigger, his frown deepening and marring his handsome face. She wants to tease him, just a little. “You know I’m more worried about you, Hikaru-kun. I know they’ll be able to take care of you, but you…” she swallows. “You’re always running headlong towards somewhere I can’t reach.”

There’s a pause in their banter, as if Hikaru isn’t quite sure if he should continue where they’re going. When she glances over his way, his expression tells her that he’s still trying to find the right combination of words to say. He looks the same as he always does whenever he’s close to telling her something that she knows he shouldn’t. Hikaru takes a deep breath, “Tsubasa-chan, I—”

“Hikaru-kun,” she interrupts before he can say anymore. Hikaru looks a little guilty, catching himself. “It’s okay. I’ll understand why eventually.”

Hikaru looks down. If Tsubasa looks hard enough, she can see his shoulders are starting to shake. “I wish you didn’t have to go…”

Tsubasa stops in her tracks, chokes back a few tears before whispering, “Me too.”

—

“It really is quite a shame. Are you sure there’s nothing more we can do to persuade you to stay, Sumisora-kun? You’ve been a wonderful student.” Daikoku-sensei definitely means well, she’s sure of it, but she can’t help the gloomy thoughts from appearing in her head. If the school is so set on keeping their students, why cut the budget for scholarships?

“I’m sorry,” it’s the only thing Tsubasa can reply to that. She hands over the collected notebooks with a polite smile. “Thank you for teaching me and guiding me all this time, Daikoku-sensei.”

The older man gives her a soft, gentle smile. “It has been a pleasure teaching you, Sumisora-kun. It’ll be hard to adjust in the middle of the school year, but a student as bright as you can only go forward. Where do you go from here?”

“The nearest high school from my house would be Shishidou High School.” It’s only a few minutes walk from their rented apartment, which means she’ll be cutting on transportation expenses. Tsubasa wonders, very briefly, if she should be taking the time to ask Hikaru for skateboard lessons to also cut back on travel time before dismissing the thought entirely and deciding it’s already far too ridiculous for her to consider. “My mother has already informed their principal of the transfer and we’re glad they were willing to accept on such short notice.”

Daikoku-sensei doesn’t appear too thrilled at the information, his mouth forming a thin line and twitching downward ever so slightly. He crosses his arms over his chest, giving her a somewhat incredulous look from his seat. “Are you sure about that? There must be other schools in the area that are a better choice for you, academically speaking.”

Tsubasa has thought about it, she isn’t going to lie. But she’s also planning on taking up a part time job now that her extracurriculars have been freed up to at least lessen her mother’s financial load the slightest bit. Entering a lower level school where she doesn’t need to spend the waking hours of the morning to study as hard would be better for her in the long run, especially when she’s seen Hikaru sleep like the dead after double pay graveyard shifts when he used to work in a convenience store.

Honestly, she’s also a little embarrassed to tell the truth and remains silent, politely smiling at her (soon to be former) homeroom teacher. Daikoku probably knows this as well because he sighs and massages the back of his neck with a little shrug. “Well, it’s your choice. But, actually…” the blonde drifts off before smiling to himself, seemingly amused by whatever he’s thought of now. “My younger brother works there. If you ever meet him, send him my regards, would you?”

Tsubasa smiles back and gives him an affirmative before she excuses herself. As soon as she steps out of the faculty room however, she almost collides with a taller figure and squeaks out from instinct.

Long fingers wrap around her forearms to keep her from falling, and she looks up to find a set of familiar heterochromatic eyes staring at her in worry. She gasps in surprise, stepping back and out of Momotarou’s reach.

“Momo-kun, how long have you been standing there? I’m sorry, I should have been watching where I was going—”

“Is it true, Tsubasa-san?” The red head’s voice is level and cool, but Tsubasa has always feared the calm before the raging storm. “You’re going to Shishidou, of all places?” Involuntarily, she swallows nervously, wine coloured eyes darting around in order to find a way out. It isn’t as if she’s keeping it a secret, not from the student council anyway. Add to the fact that Momo is also her classmate, she would never stand a chance at hiding it from him.

“Momo-kun, I—”

“It’s dangerous, there, and you know it.” The way he says it sounds like there’s no room for argument. There’s an uncharacteristic layer of simmering anger underneath his cold gaze. Tsubasa understands his irritation, or at the very least she tries to. She’s heard of the rumours; of how it’s a school for drop outs and delinquents in westside Shibuya. That it’s a miracle the school is still standing at all considering how many crimes have been linked to both students and teachers alike, though never really proven. There have been talks, especially, about a gang of high school students threatening to take Shibuya for itself.

But what choice does she have?

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine, Momo-kun,” she figures her smile is unconvincing because Momotarou continues looking extremely disappointed at her. She almost withers at his expression, but attempts to sound firm. “Nothing bad is going to happen, I’ll just go to school and go home and be extra careful if you want me to.” The red haired young man hesitates the slightest bit and Tsubasa uses the opportunity to side step out of his direct contact. She smiles and bows politely, “If you’ll excuse me, I still need to get to class.”

#b-project #bpro #sumisora tsubasa #hikaru osari #king of caste #momotaro onzai #kitakado tomohisa #korekuni ryuji #multi-chapter #mayu writes

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akdescendantsverse · 5 years

Audio

a follow-up to this post about diego writing this song re: carlos

now, the first point to address is that, yes, since this is a tai... song, the vocal is obviously hayden and not diego, so how is this such a personal song for diego? to this i say - c’mon, when have vks ever confronted their feelings head on? pls. diego penned it, twisted it around so that it wouldn’t be quite so obvious that it was inspired by carlos, and shoved it at hayden to sing bc he wouldn’t have been able to do it himself but was proud enough of the song to want it on their setlist.

ANYWAY. diego started writing this after carlos, mal, jay and evie were taken to auradon, although it didn’t fully come together until other groups of kids started going over, too. to which i add this point: being some of the oldest kids on the isle, and so close to adulthood themselves, the bad apples were among the last to be brought over to auradon. they just weren’t a priority over the little kids and the teens, and they were mostly okay with that (they’ve been dubbed the dad apples for a reason, ok), but it was hard to watch friends and family being taken away from them for a while.

now let’s dive into the lyrics, yeah?

out of the box, out of the kitchen, out of the world she's grown so fearful of, so fearful of.

essentially, i see this as diego acknowledging that he can understand why carlos would take off. he never begrudged his leaving, so much as the circumstances around it.

i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again, my friend. this is the end.

this isn’t meant to be hateful or bitter, which is why he tossed in the “my friend” bit at the end. at this point, there was no awareness of ben’s bigger plan, you know? there was no hope of going to auradon himself, so diego would have taken never seeing carlos again over him having to be subjected to the isle (and cruella) again. it hurt to think about, but it was a sacrifice he was okay with in the grander scheme of things.

out of the house, she grabs the keys, runs for the hills and doesn't leave a letter, that way the impact will be much better, away from the man that she's grown so fearful of, so fearful of. i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again. i don't ever want to see you again.

why, oh why, do you wear sunglasses in the home when the sun went down about an hour ago? why, oh why, do you wear sunglasses in the home when the sun went down about an hour ago? life should not be that way.

now, i just mentioned cruella, and this is where she kind of comes into play. i think the choice to switch pronouns and try to go more with the abusive relationship vibe was, in part, diego attempting to mask the real inspiration of the song and, additionally, just something he thought might make it a little more like the kind of music they get from auradon. people write about love, not family, you know? even if auradon love is obviously a lot happier.

anyway, the first part is kind of his bitterness towards carlos for not saying goodbye. logically, once he’d heard from enough people how it all went down, he realize that carlos hadn’t even found out with enough time to prepare himself, forget about saying any goodbyes. but, you know, feelings aren’t really rational, and he’s Not Over It.

at some point, there would have to have been an attempt to make the song relatable to the audience, right? not so much filler lyrics as just fleshing the piece out, which is kinda the purpose the chorus here is serving, although it’s still a reference to carlos and his nightmares and the stutter he sometimes struggles with (not sure it’s been addressed here at all, but i’m pretty sure it’s something a and i have talked about, at least. maybe. also possibly something that’s just been in my own head, but i digress).

now that i'm grown, i've seen marriages fall to pieces. now that i'm grown, i've seen friendships fall to pieces.

weekend warriors, and our best friends; the writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end. then again some things, then again some things are far too good, some things are far too good to go ahead and let go.

this is sort of the point where he picked the song back up and finished fleshing it out after more kids were being sent over to auradon. dizzy, and her and jackson’s other sisters, anthony, august, they were probably the hardest to let go of, being family to the band members, but they definitely cared to see certain others going. and it’s the same kind of bittersweet feeling, to be glad that the others are going somewhere better, but to be hurt by the separation and being left behind, even if at least now there was some hope of joining them eventually.

we won't forget tony or johnny, oh, oh, no matter how they miss us they still wish us the best on the road. garrett took a plane to paris, france, now he's cooking up entrees for the pretty, pretty french girls. bookends, blue and clarity, to the wall and grace. darkside, wish, and a toast to the late figure 8.

weekend warriors and our best friends, the writers weren't kidding, but the good things will live in our hearts.

again, slight changes (names, exact situations) meant to keep the song a little more versatile (especially now that there’s hope of making music in auradon eventually) and not directly calling anyone out. this is sort of that reminder that people are leaving, moving on to better things, etc. gonna be honest, though, the fifth and sixth lines are beyond me. i don’t even know the original meanings, besides assuming they’re references to inside jokes, so i’m not even gonna try to assign them new meaning. dwi.

always up or down, never down and out; dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak. always up or down, never down and out; dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak. always up or down, never down and out; dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak. always up or down, never down and out; dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak. speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

gotta go out on a strong chorus, right?

but, yeah, anyway, this all just sort of snuck up and sucker-punched me in the feels when i was waiting for the bus after work earlier, so i thought i’d share for anyone who might be even remotely interested lol.

enjoy these de vil cousin feels you didn’t actually ask for~

#the bad apples #diego de vil #carlos de vil #descendants #core four #hayden sinclair #jackson tremaine #meta*#k #have some de vil cousin feels just because

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tricks-up-my-sleeve · 6 years

Text

((okay so spoilers for s8 ep 18 aka on the road to friendship under the cut w/ a bunch of spoiler tags just in case))

So uhhh this episode was everything I wanted? A lot of it’s subtle things, but, I’m ghkjlhgfd I’m not crying you are. I don’t do horse analysis or reviews or anything like that I grew tired of those types of things ages ago bc it personally gets to a point where it sucks out the fun for me but I’m just gonna make bullet points of all of my thoughts. Mainly involving Trixie and how this episode ties into my portrayal of her. Probably others too, though.

The little magic show at the beginning? Wonderful. I love these two performing together.. and together in general. Twi & Caddy even agree on how they’re such a good duo.

Speaking of which, Twi complimenting Trixie with a huge smile? HERE. FOR. IT.

Flurry Heart watching the show was adorable. Also the inclusion of Granny Smith was of course great.

“Doing a show with you is almost as much fun as counseling students at Twilight’s school.” Almost? I’m disappointed. It’s not the first time I’ll be disappointed in Glim this episode, but we’ll get there. She’s still loved.. but it gets rough.

Loved how Hoo’far called Trixie “Miss Powerful” and her reaction to it. Just cute and silly.

TRIXIE’S. LOVE. FOR. HER. WAGON. I didn’t expect this to be a big plot point in the ep or really ever brought up, but I was so thrilled because that’s always been a small part of my Trixie. She loves her wagon. It may be small and cramped (and also, it apparently has a pretty fucked up doorknob) but it has sentimental value. It means a lot to her. I loved this so much. Not once did she stop and consider trading it for something that a lot would look at and assume was superior.

Moonwalking Trixie.

Trixie bringing up how traveling gets pretty lonely a few times in this ep. Pretty much something that’s easy to guess or assume, but that’s also something my Trixie hasn’t been too shy of admitting, either.

Trixie!!! Levitating!!! Herself!!! She obviously learned that from Starlight. Although we didn’t see it much, I’m so fucking thrilled that we see that Trixie’s been improving her magic. An issue I had with To Change A Changeling (which is just a nitpick) is that they really don’t bring that up. Personally, ever since All Bottled Up, I’ve definitely been convinced that Trixie actually has strong potential for magic, given the right teacher. Glim Glam succeeds there. I could go more into detail to why I think this is but I’ll spare you.

Trixie on the couch in Starlight’s office. I don’t even have to say anything. Just perfect.

I love how Trixie painstakingly made room for the both of them in the wagon. To it’s credit, looking at it paused, it at least isn’t as small on the inside as it is the outside. It has an entire cannon in there. It seemed like she set up two beds for them? Perhaps at least one of them was makeshift? It’s hard to tell, since Star brought stuff and then she set up hammocks. It did look slightly cozier in there before the extra luggage, though. What I guess I’m getting at, is that although it’s a tight squeeze, it’s good to see that it can at least fit two ponies, although it’s not entirely ideal.

Seeing the inside of the wagon’s been a thing I’ve wanted for ages. I could sit and look at every little thing in there and just smile for a while. Super cute.

Trixie really is sweet and considerate, you know. Seriously. Asking if Starlight is sure she doesn’t want to ride instead of walking with her, and giving her more than one chance to back out on the trip if she wants to.

THE SONG. Tell me I’m biased, I don’t care. This is my favorite horse song. I’ve waited patiently for pony Trix to sing... and it’s just.. all so fucking cute. Too much to take in.

More of Trixie’s magic shown in her shielding Starlight. Love it.

“For untold seasons yet to come, our friendship will be here!” “For nine, at least.” FUCKING. WOW. That’s clever but it also hurt my heart. Especially since my favorite friendship duo has only known each other for three of those seasons thus far, and ultimately it’ll only be four. Too soon, Glimmy.

Trixie talking about how she learned the hard way about life on the road and saving bits and all that. I like that. It shows her more mature side, and that she’s a little street smart from experience. Usually she’s kinda shown as less mature than Starlight, and this episode shows the flip side, which I really like.

I love how she’s adamant on buying hay cakes (Haycakes? They’ve used the word pancake before, though. What’s the difference?) from her preferred stand. Like.. me too, Trix. Clearly there’s a higher quality in the line that’s actually got ponies in it.

This is where Trixie and Starlight really start to argue like a married couple. Here I thought Applejack and Rainbow Dash took the prize for that. This is so domestic tho.

The first argument, at least, is short lived. I really liked that. Trixie sighs, presumably not wanting to push farther to where she hurts Starlight’s feelings. Love how she says “No, of course not.” and continues to apologize for getting snippy. She’s really improved on being.. to put it lightly, less bitchy. It’s what I love about watching her, and while To Change A Changeling was hilarious, that was my other nitpick. She had an attitude almost the entire time.. but it was funny, and I wouldn’t go as far as to call it OOC, so I wasn’t mad. The reason Trixie appeals to me so much is that she’s definitely a much nicer pony, but she’s still her. She hasn’t seemingly changed overnight from the first time we saw her, but she’s definitely made an effort. She’s quite the sweetheart when she wants to be.

I love how Trixie states that it’s taken her years to collect all of her magical items. I just think it’s neat. Also, rightfully getting offended when her stuff is called junk.

Coward Trixie returns. This is definitely me looking too deep into it but personally I’d like to think that yeah, after the Ursa event, I’d be scared of animals outside, too.

Starlight snoring and Trixie outright performing in her sleep. Lmfao. I’ve said this like fifteen times already about other things but I love it.

I relate to these tired and grumpy girls, but even I would have made sure to save some food / juice for my pal. Well.. maybe the juice was definitely out of spite. Wish I could scold her, but I would’ve done the same thing.

The grouchy magic show hurt me to watch. It was still funny though. Again, definitely arguing like a married couple. Two tired, angry friends trying to work together is just never gonna turn out right.

I love their voices in the “Practice makes perfect.” “Not today it didn’t.” exchange. So sassy. So higher pitched. Those faces, too. Lol.

Starlight throwing all of Trixie’s shit out followed by Trix yelling “You can HAVE IT ALL!” Oof. Almost like I’m watching a breakup right before my very eyes. Also the way she runs off. These poor hopeless gays.

STARLIGHT GLIMMER CONFIRMED WORST GIRLFRIEND. I’mjustkidding. Naturally I saw this coming from a mile away, but still. Wow. Ouch. I do like though how it seems to be consistent that she can be defensive of her bad decisions. Not really realizing that what she’s doing is wrong.

TRIXIE FREAKING OUT, THEN BEING BROUGHT TO TEARS BECAUSE STARLIGHT TRADED HER WAGON. This hurt me more than you could imagine, but what hurt me even more is that Starlight didn’t even flinch, and was completely insensitive about it for a while. Yikes. I already went into how much I love Trixie’s attachment to her wagon, but this killed me.

Also, pretty sure that selling or trading somebody else’s stuff is illegal, Star. Trixie shouldn’t have beef with Hoo’far. She should just be planning a lawsuit against Glimmer instead.

Am I just crazy or stupid? When Trixie tells Starlight that at least the wagon wouldn’t have traded her away, I was like, yEAH, you’re valid. Tell her. It made total sense to me. Then Starlight just responds with “That’s ridiculous.” Like?? It wasn’t to me? I sound silly now bc I get the joke, it’s an inanimate object, but what I’m trying to get at is that Trixie was pretty much trying to say that if Starlight really was her best friend she wouldn’t have done that.

I love how Trixie doesn’t accept the flattery from Hoo’far like she normally would bc she’s real pissed. To be fair, though, it’s really not his fault. I mean.. okay, a little, considering he should have known that it didn’t belong to Starlight, and that the trade needed to be given the okay by Trixie. He’s not a bad guy, though.

TRIXIE LYING IN FRONT OF THE CART FOR HOURS BC NO WAY IN HELL IS SHE LETTING THIS GUY TAKE IT. AMAZING. Give it up for his patience, too.

Starlight finds out that you win some and you lose some with the bigger caravan. Also, I love how she didn’t realize how fucked up stuff was when she was with Trixie and having a good time. Her regret sinking in seems about right. You can see her start to miss her.

“Sometimes travelling together is hard.” “But you reminded us that you can also make it fun!” Definite lesson that these two needed. Obviously Starlight was breaking before hearing that, but those big sad eyes she gets after. Regret.

“What are you two doing?” “Taking a stand! By lying down!” Lmao. Never change, Trixie.

“Best friends who share a deep bond but weren’t prepared for the emotional challenges of traveling.” Oh, definitely. Really feel like their first trip should have been a short one. Possibly with more planning ahead of time.

Best. Friendship. Chant.

“Only true friends would be willing to act so ridiculous for one another.” Aww. True.

“At a certain point, I don’t even like travelling with myself.” Line I really liked. Also Starlight saying that it’s harder than she thought.

Despite their exchange about knowing not to do it again, eh, still not wanting to completely rule out the thought of them travelling together in the future. Like I said, with more precautions taken, pretty sure they could’ve been just fine. Mainly reserving a room at an inn, since the big issue really just seemed to be them getting crabby sleeping in the wagon. Would’ve preferred it if it kinda gave that lesson and had Trixie say that they’ll know how to handle it next time, with both of them saying yeah, but let’s not make that anytime soon.

Trixie and Starlight almost killed an old man.

That’s it, if anyone even read through all of that. Can’t really say much more. This may or may not be my favorite Trixie episode. I’ll have to give it some time, but I loved almost everything about it. (No Second Prances is my current favorite I suppose, due to it also validating a lot of how I viewed Trixie at the time, and still do.)

Like I said.. it’s just really refreshing to see her take on a more mature stance than Starlight for the most part, since other episodes usually show the exact opposite. Not that Starlight is incredibly mature in her own right, but she does usually take that role when it comes to her dynamic with Trixie. I love any chance we get to see Trixie, but in episodes like To Change A Changeling, sometimes I worry that they don’t give her enough credit. She’s not a complete incompetent bitch, and to be fair, I don’t think she ever really has been. I won’t go into how I personally view her flaws, though. Guess that could be another post.

Until next time. Hopefully there is another next time. Starlight’s line in the song about nine seasons still has me all fucked up and I need help. Maybe one day I could go back and do these for past Trix episodes.

#mlp spoilers #s8 spoilers #mlp s8 spoilers #spoilers #mlp s8 e18 #on the road to friendship #🎆 || out of peanut butter crackers. { ooc }#🎆 || a good magician never reveals her secrets. { musings }#🎆 || unbeknownst to the public. { headcanons }#wasn't sure what to tag this as but i felt at least one of them fit

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