#ashinsmoke

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

#love letters #love letters i can't send #unrequited love #unrequited feelings #unrequited crush #unrequited romance #unrequited affection #love #i love him #feeling #i love you #letters to you #love letter: my true feelings #love letter.txt #ashinsmoke #poem #crying in my room again #cryinginmyroom #free verse #in my feelings #love quotes #relationship #diary entry

[nuwandastudies]

🍀Studyblr Introduction Post🍀

- Hi everyone! I'm Elliot. I have been on Tumblr for a while and i decided to make a proper introduction .

🍀About Me :

• My name is Elliot. Well, my name isn't actually Elliot but my friends, my family and even my teachers call me so . Thats because of a funny story a wrote in a literature class years ago.

• I'm turning 16 in February ! Im an Aquarius but I don't know much about signs.

• I love writing, especially about nature and the beauty of life. I also like drawing a lot.

• I'm a polyglot. I speak English, French, German, Italian and Spanish. English is not my first language so i make mistakes a lot . I'll be happy if you let me know when i make a mistake.

• I love talking to new people. I don't have many friends in Tumblr because i didnt use it actively before but im here everyday now so if you want to be friends, talk about your day , or ask me something , please don't hesitate ❤

• I'm a sophomore and i havent decided what i want to be. My favourite classes are literature and art.

🍀What will i post?

• I have a long history with languages. I will share my experiences and the difficulities i faced , and some tips for learning each language.

• Vocab lists for French, Italian, German and Spanish.

• Mini grammar lessons that you can read on your way to school or at coffee breaks .

• Some interesting stuff my teacher told me at class.

• I am currently learning 3 new languages and it can be extremely tiring. I will make posts about overcoming those little challenges.

• My studies at school, things that make learning better.

🍀Some studyblrs and langblrs that inspire me :

@blackgrad @studyblr @studydiaryofamedstudent @thestudyfeels @thesweetnotebook @thegryffindorstudies @dianestudy @langblr-life @marie-curie @wanderlustlanguages @jeonchemstudy @adventuresinstudying @law-andcoffee @reinestudies @lenastudiesthings @ashinsmoke @memestudies @study-van @elleandhermione @hannybstudies @kjestine-studies @warmhealer @coffeeandpies @sciogli-lingua

#elliotstudies

[thxyx]

[thiya’s trash] 010; thanks, 2017

2017 has thrown a lot of shit at me, but i think i’ve been able to get through it all without losing my smile thanks to the people i associate with. this year, i joined tumblr, and i’ve only been here a few months, but i’ve met so many amazing people, and definitely do not regret stepping into online territory.

i’ve met all these great people, and i’m using this post as an opportunity to thank you all. there are so many people here that i want to thank, from the people who spammed me with gifs when i was down, to the people who dropped into my inbox with a couple sweet words, to my mutuals that i catch in my notifs a lot, to my mutuals who i wanna know better, to the people who i talk to almost everyday now.

i know i don’t talk to all of you, but i’d like you all to know that you make my days a little better, a little more bearable, by just being, and thank you for that. <3

i love you all very, very much, and i wish you all good things in 2018, which i hope is better for all of us. to more smiles, more love, more kindness, which all of you deserve. take care of yourself and hang on for better days. happy new year, guys. ^-^

@prdstuan @queen-who @loveandturmoil87 @thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain @anotherblogforexo @iamnotadrugaddict @shootfortheestrella @knivesandbrokenglass @hypedloner816 @defbald @pizzawasabi @saisakurano5 @huevosconqueso @different-or-weird @k-trash101 @zookerbomb @nadosaranghaeyo @christy-sc @honocupcakes @tae-ae @captainofships-keepsailing @ashinsmoke @prettyyoongs @mad-girl-of-shipps @suranflower @igot7candy @jinandtuanic

@ih8myself69 @marshyoongs @missmarchmuffin @ruuutaa @mintchocfringe @softestships @etherealkji @cuddly2jae @drastic33 @m-melted @skytlake @attagirlirene @theawesomeprussia @kobutoririsu

@bungukie @keyswaifu and @thewizardingfiles, you guys aren’t afterthoughts. you’re the reason i’m here, so thank you.

#happy new year #December 2017 #thiyablogs #mys #010 #i love you all #more than you know

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

ttpd has got my creative juices flowing and now instead being a full-time stem girlie for finals i am being tortured poet girlie... god i am failing

#cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #taylor swift #swiftie #ashinsmoke #to read #poem #original poetry #sad poem #the tortured poets society #the tortured poets department #ts ttpd #ttpd #ttpd era #taylor swift ttpd #tortured poets department #so long london #the anthology #ts11 #ttpd spoilers

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

anti-hero's success and locals going "oh she finally admitted to being a problem" will never not be funny to me. This woman has been admitting to being the problem for years now... you just needed her to tell you in those exact simple words

#taylor swift #anti hero #ts midnights #midnights #swiftie #ashinsmoke #crying in my room again #cryinginmyroom #anti hero taylor swift #the tortured poets department #taylor swift midnights #anti hero mv #anti hero oc

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

I love that Taylor’s words and music brings so many people together because we feel seen only through her. I’ve spent all my life trying to explain “I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday every day” and end up feeling like a clown. But in this fandom, we all get each other, we’re seen by one another through this shared piece of connection. That’s the beauty of Taylor’s raw and gut wrenching honesty.

#the tortured poets department #the tortured poets society #ttpd #taylor swift ttpd #taylor swift labyrinth #i can do it with a broken heart #loml #fortnite #i love taylor with all my heart #cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #taylor swift #swiftie #ashinsmoke

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Taylor's albums have always come around the perfect time for me in life. Even if they are announced months prior, the time around which the albums are released is usually when I need them the most. Her songs come to hug me and save me. When TTPD was announced my first thought was "Maybe this time I won't need it to be a hug that saves me but rather a source of joy during a time of pre-existing happiness"

#i just want to be peaceful #and maybe happy if it is not too much to ask for #taylor i love you #the tortured poets department #taylor swift #swiftie #crying in my room again #cryinginmyroom #ashinsmoke

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

This is how it feels to listen to Taylor and Bangtan’s music. To me, it feels like Taylor’s music holds my hand and let’s me cry and emote all the pin away while bangtan’s music wraps me up in a warm hug and motivates me to find my own light🥺❤️🫂

#cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #taylor swift #swiftie #bangtan army #bts army #army life #bts namjoon #bts jhope #bts #bangtan comfort #yoongi bangtan #bangtan #bangtan incorrect quot #ashinsmoke #bts taehyung #bts I love you #love yourself

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

y life went from hearing this is me trying every night back home to then listening to dear reader and now the prophecy... i need help

#ttpd spoilers #taylor swift ttpd #tortured poets department #so long london #the anthology #ttpd era #ttpd #ts ttpd #ts11 #ashinsmoke #swiftie #taylor swift #crying in my room again #cryinginmyroom #the prophecy #dear reader

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

in the eye of the tornado it all feels everlasting

swirling winds, endless destruction,red snow

bruised minds and broken hearts

one day, it all ends. everything goes

Another dawn, a dusk bringing home

light pouring into brittle souls and bright eyes

What doesn’t wane in the blistering dark

only shines brighter under golden hues

In an instant we’re bursting in technicolor

those wounds still bleed blue but

the pinks I see heal the stings a smidge

marooned hearts painted a new shade

blinding lights, glistening faces all around

Wherever I wander, I return here

to words that hold my blood, brain and soul

after every guttural cold on barren branches

the colour returns home to the trees

A new bloom, stemming from the pain

my lessons giving birth to newer colours

each a unique crescendo of healing

#national poetry month #my poem #spring day #poems and poetry #poet blog #poetry community #random poetry #short poem #sad poetry #poets on tumblr #original poetry #the tortured poets department #cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #taylor swift #swiftie #ashinsmoke #sad poem #poem

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

The lights turn green and the doors part ways. Intertwined palms holding on for dear life. Tear stained cheeks and forlorn glances bringing about the kind of pain only love could beautifully master. People around them move in a blur, the world is another echo in the story of their eternal nature. Announcement goes off, their time together is coming to an end sooner than their hearts anticipated. Hands grip tighter and faces inches apart. When the lips collide the salt from the tears merge to create a promise to hold on. A promise to stay true and close, to be present and to love. A promise to not let the miles between the bodies hinder in the hearts intertwined so strongly. Messy kisses, trembling fingers. Separating for scientific reasons. Deep breaths, hopeful smiles. She clutched the bag right as the doors are about to collide. Waving hands, tears of pain and fear giving way to smiles of hope and love. He stays amidst the crowd, she drifts away like a mist of cloud. Not a second before he’s out of sight and she picks the phone up. Now I can’t see who she texts but the romantic in me would be texting my lover for even a second apart makes my brain short circuit with his thoughts. So I continue, projecting myself onto the stranger, and her smile grows as she’s typing away and my heart heals itself at the hope for a beautiful story where love prevails despite circumstances.

#cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #dark academism #i love this #love poem #love story #romantic academia #unrequited romance #stories #train station #depressing poem #my poems #ashinsmoke #poem #original poetry #sad poem #poets on tumblr #love letters

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Drowning

There are days when breathing feels easier. Not today, though.

Today every breath leaving your lungs rips open a cut that bleeds out your eyes and onto your cheeks. The salt water falling out in a hurry to pour the pain out. Like a falls, so mighty and strong, the never-ending pain keeps pouring on.

Today, it's all so wrong. The lights are too bright and sound too loud. A tick here and a click there, and a hitch in your breath that makes the pain too much to bear.

It would all be a lot easier to point fingers- at people, at time, at incidents and at places. Yet you constantly find all ten of them staring right into your soul. Blame it on youth, or the colours you can't let go. Nothing can change the stubborn brain with no remorse. "Protect yourself, wear the armour tight". No one told me that the armour might choke me at night. I struggle, never swam through the blues just rode the high tides. Free falling through to the lap of gravity, a dark ocean bed that awaits me. Breathing is not a problem for me tonight, for drowning makes it easier by burning my lungs. Water rushes up my skin and into my eyes, there's beauty in madness and peace in demise. Will I be missed? Should I hold back for tonight? Maybe it'll be alright and I won't lose my mind... But what if I never make it after all the incessant "fake it"s. My brain goes numb and my skin opens wide.

I exchange the blues for crimson, a shade that's my best friend. Mixing up the salt and the pungent smell, another night I chose to drown in my head. It would be easier to lie on thorns if it was the bed I made. I willingly pierce my own heart to protect my head from the larks.

Drowning my sorrows into stories I wish into the universe, for when they come true I'd still push myself into the deep end. Around the globe, I brought along the baggage. For new people to poke through and tell me my worth.

#just a fic to help me feel #trigger warning ed #tw self loathing #tw sucidal ideation #tw self destruction #tw disordered eating #crying in my room again #original poetry #sad poem #poetry #ashinsmoke #swiftie #taylor swift #cryinginmyroom #1989 album #1989 era #1989 taylor's version #taylor swift 1989 #clean tv #1989 tv #clean taylor’s version #clean taylor swift #free verse #poem #fic writer #my fic #prose poem #proselfship #spilled ink #poems

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Guys I’d really love to make friends on here and interact more so pls drop any messages, thoughts or even rants abt ur life… (if u want to give me prompts for fics I’d love it cuz grad school has drained my brain of ideas)

#ask me anything #cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #ash asks #ashinsmoke #ash rambles #writing prompt #swiftie #bts #svt #skz

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Thank you Greta, Margot and everyone involved, for giving us Barbie💖

The girl who was told she shouldn’t wear too much pink, the girl who was called not feminine enough cuz she wanted play cricket, the girl who was told not to play with dolls cuz she was smart, the girl who was told to continue her little house games cuz that’s what girls should do…. This movie was for her to accept every aspect of herself.

This is for the teenager who wanted to be sexy and the young adult woman who felt absolutely horrible and helpless about being sexualised. The teenager who hated the idea of girls fighting each other for looking better in front of a guy.

This movie helped the little girl in every one of us to come alive, start dreaming while comforting the burnt and tired woman to keep going.

#barbie #margot robbie #greta gerwig #ryan gosling #barbenheimer #crying in my room #crying in my room again #ashinsmoke #love yourself #cryinginmyroom

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

always knew Taylor was for the high-functioning over-achieving burnout depressed girlies but now she has the *perfect* trio of songs to explain it- mirrorball, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart, and this is me trying (in that order)

#cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #taylor swift #swiftie #the tortured poets department #ttpd #i love taylor with all my heart #taylor swift ttpd #I can do it with a broken heart #high functioning adhd #high functioning depression #mirrorball girlies #this is me trying #ashinsmoke

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

mirror mirror on the wall

I wonder how the butterflies do it do they become someone new after every torturing metamorphosis that gives them wings that shine anew Or do they rue the glitter and turbulence during flying occurs do rivers show them someone else with the bruised heart theirs posses

I could scream till the world’s end about all the lies that they fed warped my mind to see a monster in place of the girl I should’ve fostered Now there she stands with eyes Just as fierce when they caged her I can hold her and touch but never reach the person behind the mirror

I drench in the rain of compliments from people who didn’t know her the rain pricks on my skin like glass needles maybe I’m the one who’s making it harder She didn’t just happen, I know the horrid storm morphed me to her with same eyes, hair and brittle heart stands a girl who hijacked my part

#the write in me is defrosing as ttpd release gets clloser #original poem #taylor swift #swiftie #ashinsmoke #cryinginmyroom #crying in my room again #poem #original poetry #sad poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #the tortured poets department #writers and poets #poetic #poems #prose