#and this is how every fucking friendship I’ve ever had has always gone

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I wish I were a nicer person and I try to be but fuck I just get so tired of always putting my issues and shit aside to be there for other people and I wish I were nice enough to not resent that and get frustrated and impatient about there never being room for my shit. I wish I weren’t selfish for resenting people I care about who are struggling because they are not there for me and no one was ever there for me, I just had to get through it on my own because no one ever gave a shit about me. I wish I could be nicer and not be so selfish but fuck I just want someone to be there for me once in my fucking life and not always the other way around with me having to go crawling after people begging for their affection or attention. Or shoving my issues and hurt aside because theirs are worse and more urgent

I hate myself for being so resentful. I just wish I could be nicer

#don’t mind me I’m venting #my friend just told me she thinks I’m super autistic because I’m low empathy and low sympathy #and I can’t even tell her that her abandonment issues and her shit is triggering the fuck out of me #because then I would just make her feel like even more shit when she’s already really struggling #and I hate how much I resent it #I hate how for the past fucking year it’s been one thing after another for her and I can’t get over my own shit to just be supportive #and not resentful that she’s never there for me #and this is how every fucking friendship I’ve ever had has always gone #so here I am being a low sympathy low empathy bitch #because I don’t have the patience to be nice and emotionally supportive all the time #because I am so resentful that I can’t rely on her or anyone else for any support #or literally even just being there to talk to about good things #fuck am I triggered right now #delete later

[yeonboy]

𝐧𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ♡ choi yeonjun.

If you had known that a fun night out eating junk food with your best friend that you have always harbored a crush on would turn this sour because he misunderstood your words, you would have kept your mouth shut. Now Yeonjun has gone radio silent on you and if you want to salvage your friendship, you will have to get over your feelings first because he will never forgive you if he finds out. Right?

❧ choi yeonjun x f. reader | 16+ | college!au ♡ best friends to lovers!au ♡ angst ♡ humor ♡ fluff

❧ 7 k words

❧ warnings! inaccuracies wrt college sports/scouting/ice hockey, profanity, suggestive language, suggestive scenes, discussion and exhibition of puck bunny behavior, mentions of slut-shaming, misunderstandings, miscommunication, jealousy, some pining, yeonjun is stooooopiiiid, yn is also stooooopiiiid, one (1) singular heavy makeout sesh that gets a little out of hand hehe (:

❧ note! hi, world! this is a sideblog i created v v recently, but you won’t find links to my main anywhere bec i’ve decided to be a catfish on this one (: LOL jk, i just wanted a fresh start. i will be cutting back on the hoeing around i used to indulge in w my writing on that blog, and keep this place as sfw as i can - we’ll focus on tummy-aching angst instead! w a happy ending ofc bec ya girl is a softie 😔

leave me feedback if you like this! follow for more! (:

❧ masterlist | inbox ⁘

"Dude, this has gone so fucking soggy, it's like chewing leather. Please stop eating it."

Your words of disgust and grimace of distaste were, unsurprisingly, nothing to deter your best friend from munching on the cold fries he'd left for the last when he'd been too busy gobbling down his burgers. Stuffing a handful into his mouth like an actual ape, he in fact wiggles his eyebrows at you in a challenge.

"I feel like I've seen an orangutan eat exactly the way you just did, Choi Yeonjun. Please stop."

That makes him giggle and clear his mouth, finally raising his hands in surrender. "Kay, I give up. They do taste like leather."

"Not even gonna ask how you know that… But this is why you're supposed to have your fries with the burgers and not after it."

"But they mess up my palate!"

When he pouts like that, it's so hard for you to believe that he's the university’s senior ice hockey team’s ace, their Center, their captain, and that he’s looking to get scouted professionally, this year. When he pouts like that, he takes you back to the time you first met him on the first day of your high school, both clueless freshmen with wide, innocent eyes full of huge dreams about your future.

Dreams that you're both very, very close to making a reality, now – him as a professional hockey player, and you interning at the law firm of your dreams.

Damn. Time sure flies fast.

“What? Is there something on my face?” Yeonjun tilts his head and you blink away from your thoughts, averting your gaze from his to instead stare at his shitty, soggy fries.

“Yeah. Stupid. A lot of it.”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes and rips a tissue out of the dispenser on the table to dab around his mouth just in case, and that gives you room to breathe in and out and try to will away the heat you can feel in your cheeks.

See, now, the thing is – you don’t necessarily have romantic feelings for your platonic best friend of eight years. That’d just be absurd and kind of creepy. But you sure as heck have always harbored a crush on him.

It’s just impossible not to! 

Guy has always been literally the most gorgeous human being you’ve ever seen, even at the universally ugly age of fourteen. He’s a gentleman, always kind to every single person in his life, would probably cut a limb off for a friend in need, and ever since your sophomore year of college, he’s gotten into manically coloring his hair, which…is seriously injurious to the onlookers’ health because dear God, the dirty blonde of his hair with the dark roots peeking through from his middle part? Makes your heart literally pound.

And he isn’t even doing anything! Other than being gross with a tissue paper and inedible fries, which should absolutely turn you off from ever liking anything about him, but it does the opposite.

That is another thing about him – he’s too freaking smooth and sexy about every damn thing in his life. The day his hair turned from black to blue, nearly two years back, he developed all these flirty charms on top of his kind ones. Now he isn’t just an insanely handsome dude who’d hold your hand to help you cross the road, but he’d also freaking wink at you when you thank him for his kindness.

You as in a person, not – not you. He’d never wink at you, you're too friendzoned for that. And it's kind of a blessing because you’d probably run the risk of jumping back into oncoming traffic if he did.

Wow.

You can’t count on one hand the number of times you have had to tug on the reins of your heart when it’s tried to take a flight, jumping off the cliff of your very inconvenient crush and into the bottomless abyss of having actual romantic feelings for him. Because that would be catastrophic. And not just because you fear he'd reject you and you’d lose the one person who means the most to you in the world.

“Should I get more burgers?”

Your gaze snaps to him in surprise. He’s pouting again, this time looking at the greasy fingerprints laden menu card kept on your table. The anxiety that had started to churn in your stomach at the prospect of your very concerning crush turning into something more, suddenly leaves and you huff out a small laugh.

“You’ve had six in the past hour, Jjun. I’d say stop for the night, maybe?”

“Hey, I have a big appetite!” He scowls at you. “And it’s close to midnight, already! You know I begin my diet for the season from tomorrow!”

You groan. “Well, then, why did you ask?”

“To be encouraged, of course! To be comforted.” He widens his eyes and blinks at you. “Or did you forget I’m also supposed to be nursing a broken heart?”

The groan you release at that is loud, drawn out and filled with a year’s worth of exasperation. This is the other reason why you catching romantic feelings for him would be catastrophic. His emotional quotient is seriously questionable when it comes to the matters of heart. If he could love a partner half as much as he loves dogs, maybe he wouldn’t be ‘nursing a heartbreak’ because of the fifth person that has dumped him since your final year began. And you aren’t even done with your mid-sems yet.

But you don't tell him that, instead patting on his leather jacket clad forearm with a fake sympathetic expression. “Ah, yes, poor you. My deepest condolences to your heart.”

He knows you and your bullshit and you know he does, so the attack that his hands launch at your throat in the next two seconds doesn't surprise you, and your defensively raised shoulders don't surprise him.

You're both dissolving into giggles, then, having nothing short of a wrestling match across the small cafe table. "I really liked Lea, okay?"

"Oh yeah? You didn't even—oof, that tickles! You didn't even know she was Kai's sister!"

At that he lets go of you and slumps back in his seat with a scowl. "Please don't remind me. I still worry he's gonna stab me in my sleep someday…"

You place a palm over your mouth to stifle your laugh. "To be fair, Lea shouldn't have been indulging in puck bunny behavior if she didn't want to be treated like one."

"Don't say that wo~rd," Yeonjun whines with his whole head thrown back. "She's Kai's sister! And she's younger than me!"

"Just by four months! Stop being dramatic, Jjun. She's a junior at college – she knew what she was doing."

Yeonjun doesn't look convinced. "I mean… I don't think she was with me only because I'm hockey captain. She knows all of HK's friends personally."

You wonder why he is defending her. Did he actually, genuinely like the girl? Romantically? What are the odds of Yeonjun finally making an attempt to open his heart up to someone and them ending up dumping him? He doesn't really look that dumped, though, so you figure that this must be out of some misplaced protectiveness he feels for one of his best friend's sisters.

Man should've thought of that before he dated her. Sigh.

"Yeah, which makes it worse." You wince when he frowns. "Come on, Jjun. She's known you since middle school but decides to make a move now? Only to break it off in three weeks because others are 'slut-shaming' her”—you make air-quotes around the term, rolling your eyes—“when they call her out for wearing another guy's jersey in preseason when she's supposed to be dating you. Can't tell me that's not manipulative and experienced puck bunny behavior."

Yeonjun’s eyes are wide when you finish speaking. “What…?”

“She didn't have feelings for you, Jjun! I mean, you obviously didn't have any for her either, but I hope you keep it that way with these girls. I highly doubt Lea even tried to get to know you at all, given how busy she was posting pictures of y'all on all her socials." His expressions haven't changed much, so you try to conclude your point quickly. “All I'm saying is, it is actually a good thing you’ve never taken these relationships too seriously. There’s more business than emotion with these clout chasers, Jjun.”

Yeonjun is gaping at you now and you're a little confused as to how to take it. Is he surprised at the revelation about Lea? You doubt that to be the case when the entire tale of their romance had been broadcasted all over the campus this past week.

So then…is he surprised at your opinion of things? You sure hope he isn't about to pick a fight with you because you're in no mood to concede. Not about this. Not when you've died multiple deaths every minute that Lea has spent being a pick-me by your best friend's side.

"I… She did have feelings for me, Y/N. They—the girls that I date all have some feelings for me, come on." He gives a small chuckle that is so wry, it makes you fidget in discomfort. “I haven’t taken these relationships that casually. I'm – I’m not some vain playboy, sleeping my way around the college.”

Okay, hold on – what?

What?

How did he take that away from your rant? He's really defending himself when you never even attacked him? When you never would attack him?

"Yeonjun, no… That's not what I'm trying—"

"Let's – let's just drop this." He looks distressed, and the frown on his lips makes your heart hurt. More so because you are the one who put it there. "You won't get it, anyways."

Now that – gives you a pause. "I won't…get it?"

He gets up, unbothered and unabashed, and walks with his tray of empty wrappers and inedible fries to dump it into the trash can near the exit of the cafe. You wordlessly follow, tilting your head in an attempt to catch his eye, but Yeonjun's got some 5 inches on you so you can't really force him to look at you when he doesn't want to.

And now he's walking out of the cafeteria.

"Jjun?"

He sighs and stops, looking over his shoulder, straight into your eyes with a bored stare. "What?"

"What? You're, like, not even gonna explain that last sentence?" 

This time you're the one with the wry chuckle while Yeonjun fidgets in discomfort. 

"What won't I get, Yeonjun?"

"Look, it's… well. You’ve always subtly looked down upon all the girls I’ve dated in college, and that was fine. You’re my best friend, you’re allowed to be a critic.” He shrugs with a nonchalant look in his eyes, but his lips are still twisted sourly. “But… I never realized you thought I was the problem. Someone so vapid that my only appeal is the fame hockey gets me.”

No… literally when did you insinuate that?

You're rendered mute, taken aback by how badly Yeonjun seems to have interpreted your words. He exhales and it sounds very loaded. You don't miss the way he keeps avoiding your gaze; nor the disappointed frown that decorates his forehead.

“You won’t get it because you don’t want me, you’ve never wanted me – and that is absolutely cool! But just because you like to have me as a comedic relief character in your life doesn’t mean that no one sees any depth in me.”

“A… comedic relief character?” your voice comes out low and hoarse and almost tattered, a little shrilly from disbelief. You're not even gonna touch on his 'never wanted him' claim because the rest of his speech has your brain actually spinning. “What the hell are you talking about? This isn’t about you – it’s about these girls… You’re my best friend, Yeonjun!”

“And yet you can’t find one reason why these girls would like me beyond using me for clout.” He gives a shrug and finally meets your eyes again. But his stare is absolutely vacant and unreadable. “You don’t use me for clout, though, and yet you keep me around. You obviously don’t care about my opinions, or you wouldn't have exchanged numbers with Changbin when I told you he was bad news. What else is there to our friendship other than laughing together, then?”

His words are like death blows – each syllable laced with a different kind of poison. Every inhale you take from the air his words have contaminated seems to sear a painful path through your lungs. Breathing hurts. Looking at him hurts. Your eyes are filling up and your tummy is aching.

There’s so much wrong with everything he just said, so much misinterpretation, so many actual blatant untruths, that you don’t even know how to begin correcting them. 

How did you even get here?

You’d only been trying to warn him about girls that might use him. You were only trying to protect his heart.

How did that turn into him thinking you don’t value your friendship with him? That you don’t value him?

“Oh, and by the way,” he continues, pushing both hands into his leather jacket and looking into the distance, “Changbin’s probably gonna ask you to cheer for him this season, which is kind of a big deal because… you know, this out final session and there will be professional scouts present and all. So if you decide to say yes…” He pauses and turns to look at you again, gaze tired and eyes lidded. “If you say yes, I hope you know it’ll mean a lot more.”

Why is he bringing up Changbin again? You’d only exchanged numbers to get that guy's incessant ass off your back – you haven’t even responded to a single text he’s sent you in the past two months. Cheering for him? In a season as important to their careers as this one? 

Absolutely out of the question.

Does Yeonjun not know you at all?

You’re about to tell him that, when he suddenly pulls his phone out with a sigh. “I’m planning to hand my jersey over to Chaeyoung – you know, running for senior cheer captain? Thought I’d ask for your opinion, but… You’ve already made that pretty clear tonight.”

Angry tears blur your vision and your heart hurts as if it’s dying a slow death in your chest.

Chaeyoung, really? So he’s skipping seamlessly from Lea to Chaeyoung. 

Of course. 

Why did you even bother worrying about his heart when he clearly doesn’t even have one. How could you forget.

Maybe it’s a good thing you never let yourself fall for Yeonjun beyond a crush.

“For what it’s worth,” you finally manage to mutter, brows furrowed and gaze focused on your worn out sneakers, “I’m sorry. I was trying to look out for you, not – not hurt you. You’re the most important person in my life, Yeonjun. I could never hurt you.”

You don’t wanna wait around to hear his response, so you just wordlessly walk away. Your dorms are hardly half a mile from here; you can shut yourself in your room and sob into your pillow in less than twenty minutes from now.

The fact comforts you enough to make you walk faster.

And also helps you ignore the pain that runs across your entire body when Yeonjun doesn’t even attempt to stop you.

You haven’t checked your phone in a while now but it has to have been over six am currently because you can hear your roommate moving around. Stealthily, you pull the comforter down from your face to peer into the dark room, only to hear a loud sigh echo around the place.

“You’re seriously still up?” Yuqi’s disappointed voice calls out. “The crying sounds stopped sometime after four so I reckoned you fell asleep.”

You wince in guilt. “Fuck, Yuqi, I’m so sorry I kept you awake—”

“Woah, what?”

She turns the lights on, suddenly brightening the room. Your roommate’s dressed in her cheer outfit, probably on her way to early morning practice. She is running for captain as well and the voting concludes in five days.

Cheer captain… Chaeyoung…

You can feel another bout of tears coming on, the back of your raw eyes stinging anew. Your head is pounding like someone’s cracked your skull open, but it still doesn't hold a candle to the ache that originates from your heart and makes your entire chest cave in on itself.

“Oh my God, babe, you look worse than you sound!”

You click your tongue and rub at your eyes. “I… Ugh, it’s been a weird night, Yuqi.”

She kneels beside you on the floor, face drawn in concern. “Are you okay?”

“I will be.” You try to sit up with her help. “I guess?”

“Oh, babe…” Yuqi sits next to you and draws you in an embrace. “What happened?”

“Y–Yeonjun,” you can barely articulate his name before your throat closes up again.

“Ah, man. What’d the idiot do this time?”

Yuqi has been your roommate and your closest friend since freshman year. Needless to say, she knows all about your friendship with Yeonjun and more than a little about your crush on him. She believes he’s too oblivious and doesn’t particularly like him for that reason. More often than not, you’re batting for his defense against Yuqi.

Right now, though, you feel like you’re gonna agree with every colorful word she uses for the guy.

So you tell her exactly what happened – give her a play by play of all the words said and reactions given, receiving hisses and grunts of annoyance in response, until you mention what he said about Changbin and Yuqi breaks your narration with a gasp.

“What the fuck?”

You just sigh and shrug a shoulder. “And he’s picking Chaeyoung to to wear his jersey for the most important season of his life, so I guess it’s whatever.”

“You know, it seemed to me like he was upset and acted out defensively… which would have been okay to a certain point, a misunderstanding that could be cleared out – had he not pulled that Changbin card. Why would he ask you to go after a teammate?” Yuqi tugs at the end of her ponytail in frustration. “And Chaeyoung? Literally the enemy? Now he's just an asshole.”

That last bit makes a small chuckle tumble out of you. “How… how is she, though? As a person?”

It’s so stupid of you to still attempt to look out for Yeonjun when he just dismissed your whole friendship. But you cannot help it.

“She’s… not a bad person, to be honest. As much as it pains me to admit.” Yuqi sighs. “She’s friends with the entire cheer team, friendly with the players, never been a bully to anybody. Hence why she’s running for captain alongside me.”

Should that comfort you? You believe it should. You warned your best friend about girls that might try to use him – and Chaeyoung sounds like she might not be that kind of a person. That’s good news, right?

So why does your heart seem to ache even more?

“Everything just...hurts, Yuqi. So much.” You tip your head against her shoulder. “What do I do?”

“Admit to yourself that you don’t just have aa crush on Yeonjun, for starters?”

You turn to look at her with surprised wide eyes. “What?”

Yuqi just rolls her eyes. “Come on, Y/N. You can’t move on if you don’t admit to it first, can you?”

Move on…?

Is that what you have to do now? Maybe. 

If you want to attempt to salvage any bit of your bond with Yeonjun, it’s best if you at least get rid of the affection that permeates the boundaries of platonic friendship.

“And then maybe text Changbin back,” Yuqi continues. “He’s their goalie. I’ve talked to him a couple of times, he’s nice. Kinda cute? If nothing else, he'll help take your mind off of Yeonjun and Chaeyoung.

You just exhale a deep breath. “Maybe.”

16:37 | changbin (: congratulations to yuqi! tell her i knew she would make it :D

↪ Haha thanks! Will do!

soooo our first match’s three days away kinda wanted to ask u something before that meet me at the lockers after practice today lol?

↪ Oh it’s Monday already right? ↪ I’ll see you at the lockers, sure! ↪ How does around 7 sound?

perfect~~ just like your eyes >.<

“Ew, man, ewww…”

You press your phone to your chest with a gasp, turning to glare at Yuqi. “Hey! It’s rude to read over someone’s shoulder!”

“No, what’s ruder is you not telling me how cringey this guy is!” Yuqi is very close to rolling on the floor, and you really can’t blame her. 

You’ve been texting back and forth with this Changbin guy for over a week now. He’s definitely nice and definitely more than a little cute, Yuqi didn’t lie to you. 

But – the way this dude flirts? Good God. 

Cringe must be an understatement. You have permanent goosebumps at this point because of how often you experience full body shivers out of the absolute secondhand embarrassment he has made you live through, every single day.

On the other hand, there's been radio silence between you and… him. Your best friend. His name sends a painful pang through your chest, so you've been avoiding even thinking about him. And Changbin's been a great distraction on that front.

That is not to say it has helped any feelings to blossom in your heart for the guy. His sweet but cringey self is a friend, at best. Your heart…is obviously elsewhere.

Things became so much clearer once you let yourself think everything over without any pressure and pretense, and admit to what you feel for your best friend, like Yuqi suggested.

Turns out you were wrong, after all. You really haven't succeeded at managing to stop yourself from falling further than a harmless crush for Yeonjun, because this constant hurt that has made home in your chest ever since he stopped talking to you? The wave of gloom that overtakes you whenever you so much as think about him? Surely a lot more harmful than what a crush warrants and surely surpassing best friend territory; by a leap.

The next step was attempting to move on with the help of Changbin, but that clearly fell flat on its face.

Exhaling a tired breath, you send a blushing emoticon back to the guy, and wonder why you're responding to his flirting when you know you've already failed and this is gonna end in tragedy.

“He sends you congratulations for making captain, by the way," you inform Yuqi when she's finally stopped giggling.

“Aw, did he say that was cool? As cool as your hair, maybe?”

You just groan and roll your eyes. “I’m gonna go see him tonight. He’ll probably offer me his jersey…”

That sobers Yuqi up. “Oh. So it’s time, huh? What’re you gonna tell him?”

You give her a wry smile. “What do you think?”

Understanding flashes across her face as Yuqi pats your shoulder in comfort with a sympathetic smile. “Well… At least you tried, yeah?”

Yeah… and failed spectacularly.

And are now hopelessly in love and helplessly heartbroken.

The locker rooms are nearly empty when you get there by seven. According to Changbin's text, he'll be there in the next five minutes and you are to wait by the rows immediately opposite the entrance to the bathrooms.

For a men's locker, the place is fairly clean and pleasant smelling. 

You're in the middle of inhaling a chest full of some citrusy fragrance when the pitter-patter of a feet reaches you – and then abruptly stops. The small gasp that meets your ears before you've even fully turned around is enough for you to recognise him. 

Why're you bumping into him here of all places?

He's been a ghost around the campus, as absent from your shared classes and the cafeteria as he is from your inbox – your life. 

But here he shows up – to catch you waiting for a guy he's always warned you against and only told you to accept when he was mad at you.

You're beginning to regret this whole thing you began with Changbin even though you're here to end it tonight.

Swallowing, you swerve on your heels to come face to face with a freshly showered Yeonjun, dressed in a fluffy hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. Your heart hammers against your ribcage, head filling up with thoughts of burying yourself in his embrace. His hair isn't fully dried yet, with some of it sticking to his forehead, but…what draws your attention is how gaunt and tired his face looks. 

There are large purple bags beneath his eyes and permanent frown lines around his lips. You're willing to bet this is not all due to the season's stress, because the last time you saw Yeonjun with dark circles was when you came down with a bad flu in high school and were bedridden for a week. He stayed by your side the whole time, despite both your mothers warning him about catching the infection, and barely slept.

You know it's a little unfair of you to think this way when you're the one that hurt him first, even if unintentionally, but you can't help wondering whether Yeonjun would still care if you caught a flu now. Would he even bother checking up on you, now that he's made it clear that he believes you don't think much of him and your friendship.

Does he still value you and your bond, despite the conclusions he's drawn about your feelings?

"What are you… oh."

Those are his first words to you in over a week, and the absolute disappointment on his face kinda makes up for the lack of verbal cues.

Your fists tighten on your sides, hating the way his eyes fill up with nonchalance and the way his lips purse. Why's he acting like he doesn't care? He should care!

But at the same time, you don't want him to think of you even worse than he has been. So you clear your throat and try to explain, "I've… I'm gonna clear things out with Changbin. Tell him I'm not interested so that he doesn't – he doesn't hope for anything more."

Yeonjun raises an eyebrow up, setting his jaw and lowering his eyelids. "You're good at that, aren't you? Ensuring that people aren't living with false hopes?"

Hearing his voice after so long fills your heart up with an emotion you're probably too inarticulate to explain. But his words, as snidely delivered as they are, confuse you. "What…?"

Rolling his eyes as if explaining himself to you is a waste of time for him, Yeonjun waves a hand in dismissal. "Nothing at all. He'll be heartbroken, though. Was really counting on you cheering for him. Are you absolutely sure you're not interested?"

His patronizing tone is a little too much for you, and even the lower pitch of voice he's using – one that you have always secretly fawned over – isn't able to curb your frustration. "Yes, Yeonjun, I'm sure. He'll live, he'll find someone else." And because you're beginning to feel irritated and jealous, you add, "If his second choice isn't Chaeyoung, that is."

You see the way a vein pops in his forehead and a sense of satisfaction runs through you at having struck a nerve. "Oh, so you've got words to say about Chaeyoung too, then? I thought you'd let her pass because she's famous enough by herself. Cheer vice captain, and all."

He's throwing you bait to rile you up, you know that – but you can't help the fiery fury that overtakes your senses either way.

Stalking up to him, you push a finger against Yeonjun's chest and glare into his wide, surprised eyes. "If you really think she's interested in you for you, go ahead and date her. Don't goad me into giving an opinion when you won't even care about it."

He brings a large hand up to wrap around yours, holding it tight in obvious anger. "Like you care about mine?"

"I'm literally here to say no to Changbin, Jjun! What the hell is your problem?" you yell out, pushing at his chest with your free hand – but to no avail because he holds your other wrist with his other hand as well.

"My problem is that you're saying no because you think this is beneath you!" he yells back, leaning from his towering form to bring his face to the same level as yours. "You think my girlfriends, my lifestyle – everything's beneath you!"

Your mouth falls open in utter shock because once again – this was never about him! "Yeonjun – no! For the last time, no, I don't think that! I don't think you're vain or unlikable, or that anything you do is beneath me, I just – I just fear someone will break your heart if you're not careful!"

"Is that so? You're not judgemental of the girls I date? Didn't you call Lea a – a puck bunny?"

"I didn't mean it like that!" you scream back and lean towards him, leaving barely inches between both of your fuming, frowning faces. "I was just getting metaphorical and, hell, maybe I was jealous because you've never asked me to cheer for—fuck…"

Panicked, you pull away from Yeonjun's loosened grasp, looking away from his raised eyebrows and open mouth.

You did not mean to say that. Not like this, not now… maybe never.

Face heating up like a damn furnace, you stumble away from your frozen best friend in a hurry. If he thought you were sabotaging your friendship before, he's going to absolutely hate you for harboring feelings for him. It's a blatant breach of his trust.

Shit, you should've begun to distance yourself when you first felt the tender tendrils of affection for the cutest fourteen year old guy you'd ever seen. You shouldn't have let those feelings fester – you shouldn't have let them grown into this beast that now stands to swallow your years' long friendship.

Tears prick your eyes, but there's no time to mourn right now – you need to get back to your dorm and bury yourself beneath a pillow before that.

But you've barely made it to the gates to the locker room when a firm hand grips your upper arm from behind and twirls you around. Back pressing into the wall, a gasp is torn from your chest when Yeonjun's huge, twinkling eyes cage you in. His arms resting on the wall next to you are completely unnecessary; you'd stand still through an apocalypse if he pinned you with this gaze of his.

"What…what do you mean you were jealous I never asked you?" he breathlessly questions, literal stars sparkling through his dark irises at you.

Now. If you were not adept at reading your best friend like a book, maybe you would have wondered if coming clean right now would make his eyes brighter or dim them instead. Maybe you would have debated whether lying your way out of this situation and apologizing later would be a good idea. Maybe you would have ducked from under his arms and made a run for it.

But because you have known this boy for more than seven years now, have observed every single expression of happiness and excitement that his face is capable of producing, have admired how adorable hope and anticipation looks on him – because you've loved him since the time you could barely even understand what love meant…you have no reason to doubt.

"I mean I wanted you to ask me, Jjunie. I wanted to be the one that'd be by your side, wearing your jersey and cheering from the stands for you," your voice comes out as a hoarse whisper, but Yeonjun clings onto every single word, given the stutters you can hear in his breathing. "I… I wanted you to look at me when you scored, point at me and tell everyone around us that…"

Your gaze flickers down his face, running across his nose to land on his parted, plump pair of lips. They spread a little to allow an airy chuckle to pass, and then form a wispy, questioning: "That?"

He's moved incredibly close to you, nearly touching your foreheads together and leaving an inch of space between your mouths. You look up into his eyes and they are hooded, spilling happiness, adoration but also something sincere.

"That," you rasp quietly, slowly in the small space between you, "that I'm your girl."

Yeonjun's exhale of minty toothpaste breath washes over your face, forehead tipping over yours and nose sliding against yours. When he speaks next, his lips brush the corner of your mouth and your body grows taut like a bowstring, ready to snap at the barest flick of his hands.

"Are you my girl?"

His voice has gotten incredibly lower and guttural and you just bring your hands up to clench into the fabric of his hoodie to ground yourself. Your eyes slide shut against the intensity of his own, breaths coming shorter and faster.

"I'd – I'd like to be. If…you'd have me?"

"Of fuck, baby, don't you know you've always owned me?"

You barely get a moment to process the term of endearment and the acceptance, let alone the actual depth and true implication of his words, when the softest pairs of lips you have ever felt brush against yours. Tentatively, so lightly that they almost tickle. Gasping in an exhale, you part your eyelids to find Yeonjun looking at you through a similarly shuttered gaze.

"Can I kiss you?" 

Oh God, oh God, oh God—

“Yes, please.”

The words have barely exited you before Yeonjun is erasing any remaining space between you completely by pressing his mouth fully against yours. His lips feel even more softer than they look, molding against yours like a pair of clouds. Combined exhales of relief leave the two of you, breathing just as in sync as your bodies are. Your hands move from his jacket to run across his broad shoulders and your fingers wrap around the back of his neck, pulling him impossibly closer.

As if waiting for you to do just that, Yeojun guides both his hands to your waist, bringing you closer to him, before one of them detours to run past your waist and down your thigh to hook around your knee. His mouth opens against yours, then, teeth biting into the flesh of your bottom lip. With a shuddering gasp, you hold onto him tighter and allow him to lick into your mouth, lost in the taste and feel of him.

His hand grips onto your leg to lift it from the ground and wrap it around his thigh, allowing him to slot his hips against yours perfectly. You can feel yourself spiraling, unable to form coherent thoughts beyond the heady rush of electricity that zaps through you with every pull of Yeonjun's lips. When you begin to grow breathless, his lips detach from yours to slip down your chin and press against your throat.

A mixture of gasp and whine escapes you, making his grip on you tighten and his lips turn bolder in their exploration of your neck. You feel his teeth scraping over your collarbone and shivers run through you, causing your back to arch and press further into his body. He groans against your skin and runs his hand up your leg to caress the delicate skin of your thigh.

You realise this is getting kind of out of hand because you've just confessed your feelings and you're still in the damn locker room, but your eyes can't help but clench shut as your fingers tug on his silky soft hair, silently asking him to keep going. 

But Yeonjun is far more in control of the situation than you are, given the way he turns his kisses from hungry to chaste, slowly. Pressing a closed mouth peck to your cheek, he rearranges his grip on you to pick you up with his hands beneath your thighs, and carries you to a bench. He sits down and drapes your legs over his own to make you straddle him, holding you firmly but softly in place.

He plants a soft, sweet kiss to your lips and rests his forehead against yours. Your eyelids part to the blurry sight of his shining eyes. It takes you a moment to realise you have tears in your eyes – and that he does as well.

With the softest smile that you have ever seen on him, Yeonjun brings a thumb up to your face and flicks at the corner of your eye.

"I've liked you ever since high school, you know?"

Your lashes flutter in fascination. "Really? But you never… you always…"

His cheeks grow pink when you scrunch your nose up instead of finishing the sentence, and he shuts his eyes. "You just never really showed any interest… You never looked jealous or bothered by my love life."

"I was being a good friend!" You chuckle when he rolls his eyes. "Besides, I had plenty to say about the girls you dated?"

He tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear, still looking at you with a soft gaze, but his lips have twitched into a devastating smirk. "But you never said I could date you instead."

A blast of heat flushes your entire face at his words. Remember when you said he never flirted with you and you were grateful for that? Yeah, you still stand by that. Your heart's racing so fast, it's a wonder it hasn't malfunctioned yet. Yeonjun reads your face, too, and pecks your nose with a giggle .

"I'm so sorry it took me so long to figure it out, baby," he then whispers to you, sounding so forlorn that the sound of his voice, especially with that pet name, makes you wanna cry again. "I should've realized you were jealous…"

"I'm sorry, too, Jjun," you whisper back, hands coming up to play with the drawstrings of his hoodie that your eyes focus on as well, suddenly hesitant to meet his open gaze. "I wasn't careful about my words and hurt you. I was a bad friend."

He chuckles at that, which draws your eyes back to his own again. "To be honest, I was more hurt because your words made me conclude that you would never like me back. So you literally don't have to apologize at all."

A smile blooms on your face. "Can I kiss it better, then?"

"Oh, you can always kiss it better, baby." Teeth flashing and eyes squinting, Yeonjun nuzzles into your neck, full of giggles that you mirror as well.

Right then, a call of your name resounds across the locker rooms.

Wait…

Fuck.

Changbin!

Yeonjun's wide eyes look at you with questions. You just sigh and shrug your shoulders.

"Back here, Bin!"

"Bin?" Yeonjun raises an eyebrow with his eyes narrowed, making you stifle a giggle.

"Should I try Binnie, then?" 

He gasps in outrage, threatening to bite into your cheek, while you lean away to escape him, still suppressing your laughter.

Footsteps echo across the hall before a gasp is heard at the end of the aisle you're seated next to. Changbin stands rooted to his place, mouth agape and eyes wide. You've corrected yourself in your seat, but – your seat's still kinda Yeonjun's lap.

"I… um?"

You purse your lips in apology. "I'm sorry, Bin. I can't accept your jersey."

"I… can see that, I guess…"

To his credit, Changbin doesn't look a lot upset. Just very confused. You decide to try and help him.

"I can, however, get you Song Yuqi's number if you want?"

Instant fireworks explode in his eyes. "What? The – the cheer captain, Song Yuqi?"

"Mm hm. Cheer captain, my friend, my roommate. You know, the one."

"Wow, Y/N, that'd be so cool, man! Thank you!"

And then Changbin's hopping his way out of there without another word. Yeonjun breaks into laughter the moment he's out of sight.

"Poor guy kept asking me if it was okay to approach you and I kept saying we're just friends. He must be so confused, right now…"

You look at the boy who's still cradling you in his lap. "So. We're not just friends anymore, I hope."

He tightens his grip around your waist, eyes doing that thing where they switch from being rounded to suddenly narrowed and intense. "That depends. Do you kiss your just friends like that?"

You nudge his nose with your own, heart thumping at the intensity of his dark eyes and the reality of your changing dynamics with him. "Only the ones I intend to do more with."

Yeonjun's eyes widen in surprise and then narrow further with mischief. "Is that so, baby? Well, how about I take you to a nice dinner date tonight and then we can discuss what more can happen later, hm?"

"I'd like that very, very much." Swallowing past the lump of emotions that suddenly lodges in your throat, you bite your bottom lip and smile. 

He smiles back, but then brings a thumb up to tug your lip free. "Don't bite your lip, baby. You've got me to do that for you, now."

And then he kisses you again.

© yeonboy 2023 // do not steal, copy or repost. respect your local content creators, kaythanks.

#txt #yeonjun #choi yeonjun #txt x reader #yeonjun x reader #yeonjun imagines #txt imagines #txt x you #yeonjun x you #txt fanfic #yeonjun fanfic #yeonjun fics #yeonjun angst #txt angst #yeonjun fluff #txt fluff

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 4

surviving is a choice. make yours.

you can’t be afraid to kill. you understand?

i’m not afraid to kill. i’m just… afraid.

i was trying to save lives. i had to try. somebody had to.

if they slaughtered everyone once, what the hell makes this any different?

this sounds like a suicide mission.

we did terrible things in its name.

my honest advice would be that if you’re that miserable, you should break up with them and be with me instead.

you are remarkably resistant. it must be exhausting. 

how is it possible that this is the most scared i’ve been all day?

you don’t have to like what i did. i don’t. but just accept it.

we’ve all done the worst kinds of things just to stay alive. but we can still come back, we’re not too far gone.

this is why i like you. you just want to hold my hand.

when are you two going to make out already?

have you ever had to work for anything? 

bad things happened because i was scared. they didn’t need to. i didn’t need to be afraid.

i don’t have to be tough. i can run. i’m good at that.

my mom used to say, “everything works out the way it’s supposed to.”

have you been in love with me this whole time?

you start breathing, i’ll start you a shower, and we’ll go from there.

maybe we could catch our breath here for a while.

life isn’t a race. you taught me that. 

the whole world’s haunted now. there’s no getting out of that - not until we’re dead.

we’re supposed to be working together. 

this year would have been painful without you.

you were so self-obsessed, you never noticed your best friend needed you.

i don’t feel challenged. 

if this is where you want to be, then stay.

i need to know if you mean what i think you mean. do you still love me?

i’m with you. ’til the world explodes. 

if we’re going to do this, you need to be all in.

it’s funny how you don’t even notice the time go by. horrible shit just stacks up day after day.

you are not safe, no matter how many people are around.

we’re strong enough that we can still help people.

this is the nightmare, but nightmares end.

we ain’t dead. whatever happened, happened. let’s start over.

there’s nothing left in the world that isn’t hidden.

we’re friends. we have each other’s backs, that’s it. that’s how it works.

growing up is getting used to the world.

we do what we need to do, and then we get to live.

we don’t have to be friends. it just doesn’t have to be quiet.

people always die. you know that.

you don’t know yourself. that’s the big ah-ha for me here. i get you more than you get you.

i know that i love you, and i need you, and maybe you could love me too. and that’s okay.

all you do is hurt me.

oh, please, like you haven’t been waiting for me to screw up.

you’re no sheep. you’re a wolf. 

i actually thought you wanted to be my friend.

asshole, i don’t go to the gym every day. 

so, you’re leaving to fight ghosts? that’s the plan?

i don’t think any one place can be someone’s everything.

all i have is pain.

there are very few people in this world that make me feel the way you do.

can we just forget this ever happened, please?

you’re doing great. i promise.

it’s you and me against the world, okay?

friendship doesn’t matter. love doesn’t matter.

i’m superhuman, right? made of steel.

people will say almost anything to save their own life.

what if i hadn’t come home in time?

they think we’re guilty, so we are.

i’m grieving the loss of what we could have made this place.

tonight, even though we are in hell, i feel like i have another chance with you.

you and me are the way out.

i won’t let anything pull us apart again. you hear me?

i should've just skipped class, partied, had sex, have fun.

you smell like shit.

we need to get the fuck out of here now.

you are not defined by what happened to you. you are what you do.

fuck it. i’m dying tonight one way or another.

maybe you’re right. maybe shit is doomed. 

the reality is, i’m dying. i am dying. you have to face that. 

what happened to “me and you against the world, you’re all i need”?

stop crying where everyone can see you. it’s embarrassing.

all my days are bad.

tonight’s been the first time i’ve felt like myself in months. it’s been so long. i forgot what that felt like. 

you make me feel like… me.

you drive me crazy sometimes but we're in this together. you're not alone.

#ask meme #sentence prompts #prompts #rp sentence prompts #rp ask meme #ask memes #* #meme

[georgiapeach30513]

I wanna know what game Natasha is playing in You Were The One? Does she have a secret thing for Court? Is she jealous of 12? Inquiring minds want to know

So Natasha in a way does think she’s protecting Twelve.  She believes that Twelve has no idea what she’s getting into, when in fact she does.  Lloyd has told her every evil deed he’s done.  That open dialogue just wasn’t for her, he meant it.  He tells her everything.  The difference between Six and Lloyd is Lloyd knows that neither deserve Twelve, but she chose him, so he’s going to protect that.  Six believes he should be with her, despite what he deserves.  Natasha wants to know everything.

You Were the One, Part 11

Summary:  Natasha still isn’t done

Pairings:  Natasha X Twelve, Natasha X Six, Twelve X Lloyd

Rating:  mild

Warnings:  language, mentions of being followed, mentions of oral sex, 18+ ONLY

Word Count:  1.1K

Previous

Series Masterlist

Straightening up your arm, you turn and glare at Natasha, “Romanoff, you shouldn’t come up behind someone that has a gun in her hand.”

With a smirk she walks in the booth beside you, but her body continues to face yours. “What do you want?”

“Why are you so hostile? I figured since you and Lloyd…”

“This conversation is over,” you can see her out of the corner of your eye, as you clean up your space. Returning everything you spin to look at her. “How dare you sit outside his place. I’m not with Six anymore.”

“Are you single?”

“As a matter of fact, I’m not. Did Six ask you to spy on me or is this of your own accord?” she shrugs her shoulders, and you’re over this. “I should have known. Partners until the bitter end. You know, I’ve wondered if you were in love with him. If you had extra curricular activities together, you seem very involved in making me feel I made a mistake.”

“I haven’t,” her smug look draining off her face. “And I’m not in love with him.”

“I hope you know, I valued our friendship. You were the first person to talk to me at the agency. And I hope you know the only one who has given a damn about me after the miscarriage has been Lloyd. Hell, other than him, only Fitzroy asked me how I was doing, and it’s his fucking job. You should have checked in on me. But instead you had to give me some sob story about what happened to Six twenty years ago. I had a miscarriage two months ago, and you never even checked up on me. Do you know what Lloyd did, while he was gone? I had something delivered every day that he was away. Cookies, macarons, flowers, a book, a movie, and you couldn’t even ask me how I was.”

You see it in her eyes that she realizes what a shitty person she had been. And none of it was lies. Sometimes you wondered if Nat ever looked at herself and figured out what she did wrong, or if it was always calling others out.

“That’s what I thought,” you deadpan, spinning on your heels to walk away.

“Did you ever think about why Lloyd’s doing all this?” you stop at the door, but refuse to look at her. “He wanted you as a partner because he wants to go private.  He knows your value in this field.”

“He just knows my value.  And he cares about me. He loves me,” spinning back around to look at her, you walk closer. A deep desire to spit on her. “You don’t know when to quit. You’ve got it in your head he’s private, what if he is? You telling me you haven’t done your own private missions. You can’t afford that home, cars, and motorcycles on your salary.”

“That was the past. And he’s dragging you down with him.”

“And what was Six doing? I didn’t understand what I deserved when I was with him. Did you even watch the way that Lloyd looks at me? The way he cares for me? Sex with Six was a chore. We’d have a discussion, and he’d get all loving to end the conversation. It’s always been his play. And I can’t get enough of Lloyd. I’m not continuing to have this same tired conversation with you. Six and I are over. And so are you and I.”

“Wait,” she pouts at you, “I’m trying to protect you. You don’t know Lloyd.”

“Maybe it’s you that doesn’t know Lloyd. Quit following him. It’s weird that you sit outside, we’re sleeping or fucking. Maybe that’s what you need. Try Six, I heard he’s emotionally unavailable,” you don’t care to hear anything more. Even if Natasha was working to help you, she was going about it completely wrong.

She was too defensive about Six. Too adamant to make Lloyd the bad guy, and never once considered you’re feelings in all of this. No one did, except the one person that everyone seemed to think was the monster.

“Feet off my desk, Romanoff,” Six cuts his eyes over at his partner, and she begrudgingly drops them to the floor. “Well?”

“They’re definitely dating.”

“Son of a bitch,” he grunts slamming a fist on his desk. “And you’re sure.”

“My eyes saw, but she confirmed it,” silence settles between them, and Natasha clears her throat. Her dainty fingers tap along his desk, until he glares over at her. “This is stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“This. She knew I was out there. Pretty sure she would know that you’re driving around. Let it go. She seems happy,” he rests his chin on his hand, and wonders if there was anything left to do. Surely you and Lloyd couldn’t be that serious.

“You can’t outsmart her. If you had put as much work in your relationship, it would be you she was going to bed with. I’m not doing it again. She called me out for the fool I’ve been. I’ve been so worried about making you look good, I made myself look like shit. I’ll never be able to make it up to her. It’s over. She’s happy. Just remember that.”

Natasha stands to leave, but stops in the doorway to watch him. He was turning to darker methods to get what he thinks he wants, but she knows it’s a fool’s game, and she’s done playing. She can’t offer you an apology, so instead, she tells herself she’ll let you live your life as you see fit. It always seemed to work for you up until this moment.

As you walk to your office, you get a quick jolt when Lloyd pulls you in to his hard body. Slamming your body against his chest, and you let out an airy giggle, “Lloyd, not here.”

He doesn’t give you a chance to look at him, as he backs you into his office. Those dark eyes glaring at the man he’s wanted to do nothing, but tell him how stupid he was for nearly a year. His mouth turns up in a sneer, and he blows Six an arrogant kiss. Lloyd still hasn’t had a talk about him hanging outside of his place. He’ll deal with that when you’re not around.

Closing the door behind you, you lean up to give him a soft kiss. A kiss that turns more needy when he gives your lower lip a nibble, “Lloyd, not here.”

“You’re just saying that because if we continue, I’m going to have you leaned over that desk.”

“Exactly. I’ll take you up on that offer one day. I was actually going to ask, what you wanted for dinner,” you give him a little pout and he returns with a chaste peck to your lips.

“Nope, we’re going out on a date. I don’t want to stay holed up at home. I gotta show you off.”

“Aw, but then we can’t look up at the stars naked.”

His eyes widen when you lift up your eyebrow, you were trouble. “Okay, new plan. We get take out. No clean up. Naked star gazing. But only if you sit on my face with both of us looking at the sky, and I’ll make you see stars alright.”

“Lloyd!”

“So is that a yes or a no?”

Next

Masterlist

Taglist:  @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @peaches1958 @bookwormchick91 @whimsyplaty92 @bambamwolf87 @curlycarley @infatuatedjanes @8oopsiedaisy8 @spider-thot0115 @tryingtosurvivestuff @sstan-hoe @xcaptain-winterx @buckysteveloki-me @sgtjaamesbaarnes @writing-for-marvel @alwaysclassyeagle @mrsharringtonmunson @jlc3276 @elrw24 @kattreffic @lettersandsodas @saucy-sassy-sparkly @crazyunsexycool @randomagnes0210

#you were the one #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x sierra six #lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen x reader #lloyd hansen x fem!reader #lloyd hansen x y/n #lloyd hansen x you #lloyd hansen fic #lloyd hansen fics #lloyd hansen fanfiction #the gray man #the gray man fanfiction #chris evans #chris evans character

[mx-drumbot]

surprising no one, i’ve become obsessed with the Black Phone. so here are my headcanons about each of the babies.

Finney

aside from seeing ghosts, he hallucinates after getting out. mostly phones ringing but also the sound of a belt snapping together. sometimes he sees blood dripping from walls or broken glass on the floor

he has the same hair as his mom, his dad doesn’t know how to take care of it. that’s why his curls are so undefined.

he started playing pinball after recovering. he hasn’t quite been able to reach Vance’s high score, but he’s getting close

he loves Star Wars and somehow convinced Gwen to dress up as Luke and Leia with him. (he called that Vader was both of their father’s too)

he learned how to speak spanish from Robin’s family (and constantly watching Robin’s mouth when he talked). the first time his extended family visited for a birthday party, they all thought Finney was just a really pale latino

he and Gwen have sleepovers every thursday night where they go down the events of their week and eat copious amounts of junk food

he works on the Hubble Space Telescope as an adult.

Robin

he cries to Selena’s music, especially after he realized that he had feelings for Finney

he has ADHD and that’s why it’s so difficult for him to focus on a teacher that talks too fast

he has comorbid autism too, and his special interest is slasher movies, his favorite will always be the original silent horrors, but he’s a big fan of jump scares

the only jewelry (aside from friendship bracelets that Finney makes him) that he’ll wear are his confirmation chain and the small gold ring he got from his grandfather

he has just a fuck ton of siblings, as well as a twin sister who is exactly like him. he gets along with all of them and they all look out for each other

if he had survived, he wanted to be a stuntman or a director. no one ever explained to him that he could be both

he insults people in spanish but says it in a nice way so they think he’s saying something sweet. sometimes he does it just to make Finney laugh.

Vance

AUTISM. THIS MAN IS SO AUTISM CODED

pinball and silent movies are his special interests. he steals pinball machines that arcades throw out and has seen every charlie chaplin movie ever made

he goes out of his way to feed stray dogs, stray cats, and he always makes sure to let ducks/geese pass. he also stops his car to help turtles get across the road, but only if no one is around

his dad fucked off somewhere after the first time he got arrested, his mom does her best but she’s practically always gone at work. he doesn’t resent her but he hates his dad

if he had survived he would’ve started a shitty punk band where he made music about his trauma. he only likes loud noises when he’s the one making them

he has really bad sensory issues and wears the same clothes for days on end, if anyone brings it up, he gets a nice stim moment out of beating them up

when he was younger, his mom called him little wolf because he would bite people if he was given the opportunity. she still calls him that if he’s sick or injured while she’s around

Griffin

loud af because he was half deaf. his mom was born deaf and his father lost his hearing because of genetic condition that ended up killing him, but he’s half deaf because he was hit by a baseball when he was three

not even the cia could get this out of him, but he so badly wants to be like vance. he thinks vance is the coolest motherfucker ever

his younger brother is in one of Gwen’s classes and both of them are just absolutely terrified of her. his brother has a little crush on her though

he really wanted to ask Finney if he could check on his mom, but he could only repeat himself, it sucked

he loves comedies, anything satirical or sarcastic is his absolute favorite though. this man would eat up twitter and tiktok

if he had survived, he would’ve become a middle school history teacher, mostly because he loves teaching ancient egypt and other ancient civilizations

he loves kids, he only has a little brother but he hangs out with his brother’s friend group more than anyone his age

Paperboy

(to preface this, headcanons. thank you) it prefers it/its pronouns mostly because it really never felt quite human. not in a kinnie way, just in a neurodivergent way

its dog’s name is cain. one because he attacks other dogs, but only of the same breed and two because it thinks that naming a canine, cain is really funny.

it loves sweet things. milkshakes, candy, baked goods? all of that, those are basically its favorite food

if it had survived, it would’ve become a journalist. it really liked reading the newspaper and doing the crossword

it once slept outside for a week after an argument with its mom. cain slept next to it to keep it company.

Paperboy knows that it probably shouldn’t steal things from places like Walmart and Walgreens but at the same time, it’s never been caught.

its dad was a greaser in the 50s and it absolutely idolizes that aesthetic, like it thinks the 50s were the perfect time period

Bruce

his mom is a teacher and he takes naps in her class when he has free periods and no homework

he idolizes bruce lee and is always super happy when someone points out that they have the same name. action movies are his favorite

he has pretty good grades, but he would drop anything for a baseball game, he knows he’s good and he loves winning. he’s played on four travel teams

his family isn’t religious, so the first time he ever celebrated christmas was with his baseball team. he bought them all gifts and kept the gifts that they game him in his bedroom

if he had survived, he would’ve wanted to go pro in baseball. he might’ve been able to. his backup plan was marketing, mostly because he’d be able to talk to a lot of people

he was homecoming king at his school, partially because he’s a class favorite and partially because no one ran against him

he has a pet goldfish that is his best friend, her name is goldie but his parents just call her fish

Gwen

she learns how to better control her talents and becomes a detective. she names her detective agency after her mom

her favorite color is purple but she never wears it, she claims that the rarity of it is what makes it so special

she leaves her hair in braids for no more than six hours, she’s seen how long it takes for Finney to make his hair look decent, she has no desire for curly hair

her favorite hobby is creative writing. after Finney went missing, she stopped writing. mostly because she only wrote horror stories.

her dad tried to force her to learn to play piano, but stopped after she figured out how to do the talking piano illusion and made it call him a bastard

she tries not to be super protective, but she always asks her friends if they want her to walk with them when they go somewhere. especially if it’s a day where she’s nervous

she absolutely hates spending more than two hours alone, she always wants someone to talk to, usually that person is one of her friends or Finney

#the black phone #black phone #vance hopper #finney blake #robin arellano #gwen blake #paperboy #griffin #bruce yamada #headcanons

[wandaluvstacos]

THE ONLY SECONDS THAT MATTER

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE IS UP!

Genre: Contemporary Romance Rating: 18+

Includes: Extensive horse nerdery + cowboys, mxm romance (1 trans + 1 cis), some discussion child abuse, some instances of trans/homophobia (it is rural Oklahoma, y'all), depression, occasional sex scene (but it’s a slow burn for sure)

Victor Ortiz-Bennett had some reservations about moving to Oklahoma, but his late aunt willed him a 70-acre horse farm, and he decides to fulfill his dream of running and operating his own training facility. Victor’s been around the reining horse show circuit for a while, and he’s ready to settle down, travel less, and spend more time with the horses he loves and away from the people he can do without. That is, until he picks up a horse at an auction with a bucking problem he can’t fix, and he has to take her to the one guy who can ride anything– Johnny Stearns, a retired professional rodeo rider.

Johnny Stearns is loud, chatty, eccentric, and fears nothing, exactly Victor’s opposite. However, Victor finds himself sinking into an odd friendship with this new foul-mouthed cowboy without a filter, diving deeper into the mess that is Johnny’s life until there’s no way to extract himself from it. Johnny may talk a tough game, but there’s more to him than he’ll let most people see. Victor knows getting in too deep will mean a rough ride, but if there’s anything Johnny’s taught him, it’s how to stay in the saddle.

Excerpt:

“I still gotta live in this goddamn house.” Johnny glanced around the living room with wild eyes. “This house where my dad beat me in every room but the one I currently sleep in.” His voice broke toward the end and he took a moment to compose himself, swiping a hand under his nose. “I think he’s the devil inside me. The only way I keep him quiet is by drinkin’.”

“Your father was an abusive asshole. Sell the house and live the life he would have hated. Make him spin in his damn grave.”

“You say that like it’s easy.”

“Is this easier?” Victor snapped. “Is losing yourself in booze and trash while the people you love abandon you easy?”

“Of course it’s not! But fuck, it’s all I know. I know how to survive with barely nothin’ and that’s it. You wouldn’t get it. You grew up with money and parents who loved you.”

“I don’t have to understand this to be against it. I—I care about you, Johnny. More than I should. More you than you deserve, maybe. I don’t want anyone I care about to live like this, and I don’t want to see them the way I saw you last night.”

Johnny shrunk backward, slightly hunched. “I don’t deserve that consideration. I know that. I’m a real piece of shit sometimes.”

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for yourself. I want you to feel like you deserve better. Better than Daisy, better than being cheated on. I want you try to be someone who doesn’t just—” Victor considered his words, but pushed ahead anyway “—someone who doesn’t break my damn heart all the time.”

Johnny’s face twisted with hurt before he looked away, then down at his feet. His Adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, but for once he had nothing to say.

“You’re the most frustrating person I’ve ever met,” Victor continued, “so if I didn’t care about you, I would have been gone months ago. Even with your flaws, you’ve got a big heart that’s always in the right place, and that’s not an easy find. I mean Christ, my own mother had a worse reaction to me coming out than you did. I didn’t talk to her for months.”

“Vic, I…” Johnny began, then trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. “I know I talk a lot but I ain’t very good at talkin’ ‘bout my feelin’s and all that… so maybe I won’t say this right, but half the reason I tried as hard as I did to get sober is cuz your reaction to the state of my house felt like a real kick in the nuts. I didn’t want Sarah or my sister knowin’, but to be honest, I’d already disappointed them both a thousand times over. But you still held me in high regard, and I hated that I fucked that up. I hated that you had to see my life for what it was. This feels like that again, ‘cept now I’m worried you’ll leave me once and for all and I’ll have no one. I want to fight, but most of my fightin’ spirit’s gone.”

“I don’t want you to fight. That’s your dad talking. Not everything has to be a damn fight. I want you to give up, actually. I want you to stop being so damn proud because it’s killing you. You’re trying to be this person you aren’t.”

#The Only Seconds that Matter #my writing #patreon #update #excerpt #original fiction

[puckrph]

‘THE RAVEN CYCLE’ STARTERS

taken from the YA series by maggie stiefvater. some alterations made as needed to make things fit better for rp. feel free to change pronouns, etc.

‘ sometimes, i feel like my life is made up of a dozen hours i can never forget. ’ ‘ “i’m always straight?” oh, man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told. ’ ‘ it’s safe as life. ’ ‘ what fresh hell is this ? ’ ‘ my words are unerring tools of destruction, and i’ve come unequipped with the ability to disarm them. ’ ‘ i like you better this way. ’ ‘ crushed and broken. just the way women like ‘em. ’ ‘ fate is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast. ’ ‘ rags to riches isn’t a story anyone wants to hear until after it’s done. ’ ‘ i’m trying not to look at your boat shoes. i feel better about you as a person if i pretend you’re not wearing them. ’ ‘ i want to feel awake when my eyes are open. ’ ‘ you’re pretty in a way that is physically painful to me. i’m attracted to you like a heart attack. ’ ‘ i am being perfectly fucking civil. ’ ‘ shitdamn, it’s hot. ’ ‘ when i’m gone, dream me the world. something new for every night. ’ ‘ kissing’s a lot like laughing. if the joke’s funny, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you last heard one. ’ ‘ well, i don’t know how helpful that was... we found out german beauty homers look like bloody puffins. ’ ‘ i wish i could kiss you. because i would beg just one off you. under all this. and then we’d never say anything about it again. ’ ‘ pie is not a meal. ’ ‘ i’m here. i just—i believe i’m having a panic attack. ’ ‘ thanks for the super helpful alternative suggestions. your contribution at the end of the world will be tallied accordingly. ’ ‘ blame the poets. it’s easier to stir people to rebellion if they think they’re on the side of a demigod or some chosen one. never trust a poet. ’ ‘ no one knows what ignominy means. ’ ‘ don’t be such a shitbag. ’ ‘ i’m perfectly aware that it’s possible to have a friendship that isn’t all-encompassing, that isn’t blinding, deafening, maddening, quickening. it’s just that now that i’ve had this kind, i don’t want the other. ’ ‘ you’d better wait in the car, with your fancy face. ’ ‘ feel its pulse, don’t just stare at it. pulse. on its face. there. there, [name], god. there. ’ ‘ we’re going so slow. i think i just saw a tricycle pass us. ’ ‘ my head knew you were all right. but the rest of me didn’t. ’ ‘ i just want to pretend. i want to pretend that i could. ’ ‘ damn. you’re right. i really can’t think of another joke. ’ ‘ it was cowardice and stupidity. i didn’t like good-byes, so i just abstained, and i didn’t think about the consequences. ’ ‘ in my head, everything is always so tangled. i am such a damaged thing. ’ ‘ i wouldn’t have pegged you for a fan of normal. ’ ‘ you marvelous creature! ’ ‘  maybe it’s good that the world forgets every lesson, every good and bad memory, every triumph and failure, all of it dying with each generation. perhaps this cultural amnesia spares us all. perhaps if we remembered everything, hope would die instead. ’ ‘ i was here. i exist. i’m alive, because i bleed. ’ ‘ do you think you’re the only one with a right to bitterness here? ’ ‘ i just want to keep being best friends with you forever, and maybe one day also have carnal knowledge of you. ’ ‘ my feelings for you are an oil spill. i let them overflow, and now there isn’t a damn place in the ocean that wouldn’t catch fire if i dropped a match. ’ ‘ i like you an awful lot, [name]. ’ ‘ for the first time that i can remember, i know what it would feel like to be present in my own life. ’ ‘ jesus god, dude, do you have stitches on your face? bad. ass. put it here, you asshole. ’ ‘ i was trying to protect you, you little pissant. ’ ‘ you’re asking me to define an abstract concept that no one has managed to explain since time began. you sort of sprang it on me. why do we breathe air? because we love air? because we don’t want to suffocate. why do we eat? because we don’t want to starve. how do i know i love you? because i can sleep after i talk to you. ’ ‘ not today! no, thank you! too many events this decade. perhaps later! cannot do the shock! thank you for your time. ’ ‘ i am a slow-growing creature! i cannot adapt so quickly! ’ ‘ tell me: when you dream, do you dream of the stars? ’ ‘ if you can’t be unafraid, be afraid and happy. ’ ‘ it really is a helluva fixer-upper. i feel like they should possibly renovate this basement if they want to get a good sale price. hardwood floors, update the doorknobs, maybe put the wall back. ’ ‘ the choice was death or hurting you, which wasn’t much of a choice at all. ’ ‘ that seems sentimental for a man without a soul. ’

#memes #sentence starters #rp memes #askbox meme #rp prompts #the raven cycle sentence starters #the raven cycle ask meme #trc ask meme #trc sentence starters #askbox memes #rp sentence starters #rp meme #rp starters

[hintsofhoney]

two years!!

today marks two years since I made this account and I just had to make a post about it cause it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. the people I have met through this fandom have become a second family to me. i have gotten the chance to meet so many of them in person, and to the ones who I haven’t gotten to squish yet just know I can’t wait for the day that I get to! these people are my people. and I have a few words to say about em cause I’m feeling sappy.

to @ellewritesfix05 — man am I happy I decided to slide into ur dms a year and a half ago. our year and a half long conversation doesn’t end, and I never want it to (no matter how many times we forget to press send on our texts). i feel like I’ve known u forever. u were my very first fandom friend, the very first one I met irl (very glad u were, in fact, real, despite what our s/o’s thought at the time LMAO) and I can’t wait to hug the fuck outta u next month (and get a picture together? cause like how did we not take one the first time around? smh) ANYWAYS. i love you so so much and I am so thankful for u & our friendship!!

@treat-winchesterswith-kindness — ohhhh the love of my life. you dmed me saying you liked my layout and now we have matching tattoos in jensen and misha’s handwriting and you’re a bridesmaid in my wedding. life is crazy. the other half of my brain, the one who always knows what I’m thinking, my damon-obsessed, dean-coded, favorite playlist making girl — I hope you know how much I love and adore you. there is no one else I’d rather tinhat with about cockles/larry or watch videos of jensen singing while crying because we both need mental help. thank u for letting me be so unapologetically me. You get me like no one else. you changed me or whateva… I love you and ur stuck with me forever sorry I don’t make the rules

to @winchest09 — I’ll try not to make ya cry. i don’t know where to start so I’ll keep it short and sweet cause there’s so much I could say about the things u have given me (and a whole lotta other people), but I’ll just say this. your strength, your resilience, your light… the person that you are leaves me in awe every day. you are the kind of person that makes me want to be a better person. you are the epitome of kindness and the embodiment of love and selflessness, and I am so so proud to call you a friend. watching you grow into the person you are now over the year and 3 months that I’ve known you has filled me with a pride that I cannot put into words. you’ve always been fucking amazing, but you just leave me speechless now. I hope you know how much I cherish all of our conversations about the good, bad, and ugly… and that you will always have a friend in me. i love you!!

@deangirl93 — my twin!! my other half! my love! where do I even start? thank you for always being there as a shoulder to cry on or vent to, or just as someone to bounce ideas off of or listen to my crazy ass ramble. your support when it comes to my writing has been such a huge factor in what keeps me going, but your support when it comes to the things I do in my life leave an impact greater than u will ever know. thank you for always being my cheerleader. I hope u know that I will always be yours. I cannot wait for the day that I get to hug you real tight before we grab some orange chicken and binge watch the mummy movies. i love you more than I could ever put into words.

to @watermelonlipstick — my voice of reason. the one who never fails to text me and make sure I’m okay when things that might upset me happen. we are so different, yet very much the same. i love you as much as you love jared and I love misha. as much as you loved the finale and I hated it. as much as you don’t ship destiel and I do (that’s a whole lotta love, and I hope you feel it). you keep me balanced, opposites attract, etc etc… hey we should do a podcast ;) anyways. thank you for simply being there whenever I need you, and for talking sense into me when I’ve gone off the deep end. everyone needs a friend like that, and I am so so so thankful that u are that friend for me.

@superfanficnatural — god where the fuck do I start with you. i love the shit outta you dude. whether you’re calling me about a cute boy or sending me thirst traps of cute boys or texting me random smut you’ve come up with about cute boys… jdjsjsk I’m kidding (kinda) but I’ll be serious now. you’re my little brother, point blank. i feel the same protectiveness about you as I do with my actual little brother, and I know you can handle yourself but I hope u know I got ur back no matter the situation. i could be having the worst day ever and all I gotta do is look at ur smile and bam, instantly better. i mean it. I’ve told you a million times before, but you are such a light. i don’t know what I’d do without ur horny ass. your friendship means so much to me!!

@writercole — my other mom. the one who tells it like it is, always. the kind of mom you are is the kind of mom I wanna be someday. i hope finn and lana know how lucky they are to have you in their corner (and jay too, I suppose, but this isn’t about him). thank you for taking me in as your own without hesitation. thank you for being someone I can both vent to and thirst with (and sometimes both at the same time?). thank you for being up for my crazy ass “hey wanna do a 4 hour road trip to FBBC this weekend?” ideas. thank you for your support and your love and your friendship. i hope u know how much I fkn love and adore you

@that-one-gay-girl — syd, my love. you’re always up for an adventure whether that’s a weekend road trip or helping me paint my entire house or attempting to make chili cause I’d never had it before, etc etc… I hope u know I will always be there for you no matter what. you are selfless and kind and loving and good, and I thank u for your friendship. i love you to death girl

@soaringeag1e — the hardest working person I know. if I was a millionaire, I’d give you half in a heartbeat. you are so deserving of everything good in this life, I hope you know that. the weekend I spent with you left me speechless at your work ethic and drive. you are an absolute force to be reckoned with, and the whole world should know it. i love you (and the lil human u made) to the moon and back x1000

to @huffle-pissed — my sweet kay!! if sunshine and candy and everything warm and sweet in the world was personified, it would be you. your joy, even on bad days, radiates. and I think it radiates even when you don’t know it. a conversation with you boosts my serotonin. i love you I love you I love you

@440mxs-wife — my con buddy! my fellow hawkeye! the only person I know who still has a physical map in their car! whether it’s navigating our way through the austin streets or through the plano convention center, it’s always an adventure. i am so glad we had eachother to lean on after going through the ordeal that is looking Jensen Ackles directly in the eyeballs. i probably wouldn’t have made it through that by myself. i love you to bits

to @smol-and-grumpy —my realist. you’re never hesitant to be up front about just about anything and I fucking love you for it. you are fierce and loyal and true and somehow always have a new picture of jensen up your sleeve. im so thankful that I get to know you!

@jensengirl83 — brandy my love, you are the purest example of what it means to be a fighter. no matter what life throws at you, you find a way, and it’s the most badass thing I’ve ever seen. you inspire me on the daily, I’m so fucking proud of you, and I love you so so much!

@denim-devil — brooook my boyyy!! a ball of sunshine when you’re sober and a ball of chaos when you’re drunk. the perfect combo. haha but seriously, you amaze me with both your artistic talent and the way that you are so unapologetically you. I love you a million my yorkshee boy

@ejlovespie — I am so glad you slid into my dms and asked to be friends. your talent in writing, gardening, candle-making, photography (literally jack of all trades over here) never fails to leave my jaw on the floor. i love you so much and i cannot wait to get to squeeze you next month!!!!!

@lassie-bird — zoë, my sunshine babe. your energy rules whatever room you’re in. you have the ability to bring someone from sad to laughing in .5 seconds. you are bubbly, sweet, loving and kind, and there’s a light in you that’s not found in a lot of people. i hope you know how much I adore you, my love

@sams-sass — chels, my sam girl. you are one of the most genuine, firey, straightforward people I know, while simultaneously being one of the kindest and most empathetic — I don’t know how you do it but I have always admired that about you, and watching you become a mama has been the absolute coolest thing to see. i love you so much!

to @thinkinghardhardlythinking — I knew we’d be friends the minute you dropped that Dean fic into my dms that made me cry for 3 hours afterwards. our little talks every now and then since that day have meant the world to me. the kindness and joy you radiate is contagious, and I can’t help but smile whenever I see yours. you’re also like, fucking hilarious, miss comedy queen. i simply love and adore the hell out of you.

to @emoryhemsworth — I still can’t believe I got to hug you!! and then proceed to have one of the most interesting conversations ever. my jdm-loving, tom ellis-shirt-owning (still incredibly jealous abt that btw), country music listening, through and through dean girl… I hope you know how much I love you!!

@akshi8278 — I mean it when I say that your comments and support on fics has a lot of the time been the driving force that kept me writing. and then I got to know you, and it turns out you’re the sweetest human on the planet. i am so lucky that I get to call you a friend, and am so glad that I have someone to thirst over those vampires with (no pun intended). love you to pieces!!

@deanwanddamons — my sian [sharn]. my favorite accent. my favorite cat lady. my favorite welsh person (what do you call people form wales? welshers? welshans?) anyways — I adore the hell out of you, my girl. whether it’s writing or acting or singing — you can do it all — and it’s nothing short of amazing. sending a million cwtchs (cwtches?) your way. i love you so dang much

@percywinchester27 — ana, my artist! your writing and your art are both some of the most beautiful things my eyes have had the joy of looking at (your face too), but more than that, I am just so lucky that I get to call you a friend! you are caring and loving and sweet and gentle and kind — and I could not love you more

to @katelyn--renee — sweet kate!! you are beautiful, inside and out, and yeah, your writing leaves me speechless sometimes, but nothing compares to your warm and sweet personality (and you give like… the best compliments ever!). so thankful for you and this friendship. i love you!!

@rebel4fandom — my harry styles loving, horse riding, future veterinarian. seeing you work so hard for your dreams has been amazing to watch. i am so proud of you. you are such a light, your energy is unmatched, and I seriously can’t wait to hug you one of these days. i love you so much!

and to @janicho88, one of the biggest hearts I know, @waywardbaby, the real life aphrodite, both inside and out, @cockslut-padalecki, the kindest and kinkiest soul, @unfortunate-brat, the sweetest person, @winchestergirl2, who is absolutely lovely (and an spn encyclopedia) — we may not talk much but know that your support and your love and everything else has been felt through the conversations we have had — and it means the world all the same. I love you all to death!

it’s these folks right here (and I’m sure a few others I’m forgetting but it’s 1:43am and I’ve had the longest day of my life so know that I love you either way) who have made my time here not only enjoyable, but have taught me so many things and given me so much that I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. but I hope this post does that, at least a little bit.

here’s to 2 more years, and hopefully some more after that!

[ohmy-kiszka]

Decide On Us | Chapter Four

Song: Maybe After He’s Gone - The Zombies

Warnings: depression, drinking, self hate

Disclaimer: I’m not by any means claiming Jake has a drinking problem. It’s just what fit best within the plot.

1.2k words

*This whole chapter is in Jake’s POV*

——————————————————

You’re finally coming home after such a long tour. You can’t say you’re too excited to be coming home. You can’t stop thinking about how she told you the news. “James and I are back together.” In all honesty, you’d blanked out as she finished speaking, unable to hear the rest of what she had to say. It struck a nerve deep inside you. For the first time ever, she hurt you. When You stepped through the door of your apartment, You realized she was gone. Every bit of her stuff. Everything was just gone. It wasn’t a shock after the way you’d treated her, but you were only trying to protect your friendship. Now you two don’t even have that.

You find yourself aimlessly scrolling through your phone, trying to distract yourself from the absence of Y/N. I wonder how she’s doing? You haven’t spoken to her since a week ago on the phone. Was she really happy with James? You wanted to believe she wasn’t, that through some twist of fate she only held those feelings for you. But you knew you were only hurting yourself the more you thought of her. She’s back with James, she doesn’t want you around, she loves him, not you.

“Do you think it looks good?” She’s asks looking at you with puppy dog eyes finally revealing her prom dress. Honestly you’d never seen a sight more beautiful. She truly took your breath away. “Because if not, I still have time to look for another.” She huffs out afraid of what you might say to her. “You look so gorgeous, really.” You say looking at her in disbelief. You wish she could see herself the way you see her. “You’re weird Kiszka.” She chuckles out, making a blush appear on your face. She was going to prom with the guy she’d gushed to you about since freshman year. She was so excited, you loved seeing her so happy. You’d planned to ask her to prom but her crush had beaten you to it. You were okay with it though, seeing how happy the situation made her. You’d sacrifice anything to see her light up that way. Even if it meant now staying out of her life while you watch her marry another.

————————————————————————

Since tour’s been over, You haven’t had much to distract yourself from thinking of her. She was everything to you. Now she’s just gone. How were you ever gonna make up for what you did to her? You wish you could just run to her. But you can’t. You just can’t bring yourself to ruin the happiness she’s now found in James. You wish she’d found that happiness in you.

Your self loathing has become ridiculous, pathetic even. But you couldn’t help it. You just wanted her. You hide your feelings behind the glass of whiskey that frequents your lips now. The warm feeling of the liquid running down your throat always helps you to forget the issues so prominent in your life. You hadn’t been out of the house since you’d gotten here over a week ago, unless of course to make liquor store runs. Josh had tried to push you to come out with him and the boys a few times. but you politely declined, knowing it wouldn’t be the same without her.

Josh had no idea why you were acting this way. He didn’t even know what happened between you and Y/N. All you told Josh when she left tour was that she “just has business to attend to at home.” All josh knew is he needs to help his twin. Help him get through whatever the fuck he’s going through. Which is why he’s sitting on your sofa right now, trying to force the whiskey away from your lips, with pleading eyes that say you don’t need to fall back on alcohol to get you through this, I’m here for you.

“So Jake I’m just really, just, I’ve been worried about you. You haven’t been the same since Y/N went home from tour. So what the fuck happened? Because it’s obvious there’s more to it than some business she had to attend to at home.” Your twin says to you with hopeful eyes, hoping telling him the whole story would somehow snap you out of the depression you’re in. “Nothing happened.” You snap out at him bringing the drink back up to your lips, taking a long sip. “That’s a lie.” Josh states, popping his index finger up in the air. “Do you really wanna know?” You calmly ask him. “Yes!” He shouts almost frustrated at the fact you’re not spilling everything to him. After all, aside from Y/N, he was the only person you’d always tell everything to. “Well I can’t tell you.” You sternly voice back. “Okay then, be that way. Just know I’m here whenever you actually want to talk.” Josh says, standing up from his position on the couch, walking over to open the door. “I love you brother.” Josh reassures you as he steps out the door. Tears well up in both of your eyes. Why were you being so aggressive towards him? He’s done nothing to you. You just pull the alcohol back to your lips, hoping it’ll soothe the tears that now run freely down your face.

“You know, I love drinking too, but sometimes it’s not the answer.” Y/N said to you, trying not to be too pushy, she was only looking out for you and didn’t want it to come out the wrong way. She’d always cared for you and wanted what was best. She hung the moon in your sky. It was a few days after your breakup with your first long term girlfriend. Your girlfriend had told you she was tired of you always having time for your band but not having that time for her. She also brought up the fact that you spent way too much time with Y/N. As much as you didn’t wanna admit it, that was the truth, you were always working on music with your brothers, and if you weren’t doing that, you were spending time with Y/N. You just didn’t have time for the kind of relationship she wanted, so she decided to end things and “give you some time.” To think about the way you’d treated her. Since the breakup though, you find your peace at the bottom of the bottle. Y/N was trying to be there for you, but you’d push her away, because honestly, you were ashamed. Ashamed that she wanted to be there for you and do anything in her power to help but all you wanted was the burn of liquor down your throat. The way she brought up your drinking habits, knowing it was your escape, was so sweet and pure. She truly cared deep for you. It had made you want to be completely sober then and there. But, as always, it took time to break habits like that. She was just proud of the progress you’d made little by little, and that truly warmed your heart.

You finally pull the glass away from your lips, thinking hard back to how Y/N so kindly help you out of your hazy state before. You wanted to be better, if not for you, for her. You knew that if there was any flicker of hope Y/N would re-enter your life, you’d at least want to sober up, and be the best friend you could be for her.

A/N: the next chapter is the last in this series. I promise it will be much longer than this short chapter though. I just wanted to show a little bit of Jake’s perspective, I hope y’all enjoyed 🫶

Tag list ~ @jakesgrapejuice @theweightofjake @cyliegvf

#jake kiszka #greta van fleet #jake kiszka x reader #greta van fic #greta van fleet fan fiction #gvf fanfiction

[confessionsofanundiscoveredwoman]

things on my mind lately that have been affecting my mental health.

(writing a list so that hopefully i can clear my mind a little better and hopefully look back down the road to see if anything changed)

- my inability to work an 8hour shift without feeling pain from my injury

- feeling like i wasted an entire year of my life from an injury that i got, and how it fucked up my ability to work in a field that i went to school for.

- not knowing what i want to do with my life, where i want to end up and who i want to surround myself with.

- i can’t picture myself with anyone romantically it’s so hard feeling like i may never be desirable enough to keep someone around, or strong enough to commit to someone without feeling afraid all the time.

- afraid i may end up like my parents, god i hope i don’t ever end up like them.

- hating being in a toxic environment at home and always feeling like i can never truly talk to anyone in my family about what i’m dealing with, without feeling some kind of judgement or having my feelings overlooked or being fed toxic positivity.

- feeling ashamed and disgusted that i ended up sexting with an old coworker who was 10 years older than me. i think to myself that he should have known better than to talk to a 20 year old, but i beat myself up because i still did it. i still did it because my self respect has been declining and i’ve been craving affection and attention from people i don’t even like or that like me. he only liked me for my body and i gave him exactly what he wanted, now he’s gone.

- a guy i was starting to become really good friends with, a guy i liked that i thought liked me too suddenly stopped talking to me, even tho i don’t exactly know why. we would talk every day, and even tho it was just an online friendship and he even had a girlfriend i was up to just being friends with him cause he made me feel happy and worth something. i thought he felt like that too. i hope he’s doing okay.

- i truly fell for a guy for the first time when i was 17 and yes it was an online relationship, and yes maybe under some circumstances you can’t truly love someone if you’ve never met them… but this boy… this boy was different. i’ll have to write another post about him cause it’s a longer story.

#thoughts #rant #journalling #blog #mental health #sad #brain #anxiety #this is depressing

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

i am still trying to let you go. but then she posts on her story, you post on yours - it’s the only time i ever learn what you could possibly be doing right now, because you never fucking text. and you never fucking reply. are you communicating with her everyday? what the hell goes on in your brain?

i’ve made a new friend. he replies to me like how you used to when we were still young. he’s funny and witty and he reminds me of what we used to have, and it hurts that you’re gone.

i’m trying to forget about you, but then i see things that remind me that you and i are no longer the friends we used to be, and then i just wish for you to come back and for things to go back to how they used to be. maybe i never even liked you the way i thought i did. maybe i was just jealous that she was the one who took you away. not even from me - just away.

i miss us, i miss you. but now there’s someone else to fill the gap, and i don’t know what to do. he’s what you used to be. he could even become more than you. but i don’t want to lose you, either. i want to see you later and i still want you to greet me like you always do. i want to see you and i want our friendship to still be there, reliable like the sun sets and rises every day.

but there is still my new friend - let’s call him ⛱️ - and the way he has fit myself in my life is more than the amount you hold right now. i hope - do i, though? - that maybe - just maybe - he’ll be able to -

i cant say it. i dont want to replace you. i don’t want to fill the hole you left in me. i just miss you and what we had. but i think you’re happy now, and i’m just sad that i had no role in making that possible. i miss the way you used to text me. i miss us.

⛱️ makes me feel alive again, exhilarated. he’s going to become what you were supposed to be, and i’m scared. why couldn’t i have you in my texts again like you used to be, and have him as well? i miss you, but he makes me laugh and smile and you just don’t do that anymore because you’re gone.

what the hell do you want me to do now?

#teenager #sharingstories #writing #dreams #letter #love #prose #story #unsent letters #high school #unrequitedness #unrequited infatuations #🎋

[batteriesincluded]

it doesn’t even matter what i’m going to say because i can’t imagine i’m going to be here much longer. i know i say that all the time. i’ve said it probably over 100 times in my life and while it always felt like i was telling the truth in those moments, it’s never felt as real as it does now. i stayed in college for three years doing things i knew i’d never be able to actually persuade, as well as things i had absolutely no interest in from the start, just so i could stay in education and continue to feel i had people that i could worry. did i connect with anyone on any course i did over those three years? did i make any friends? no. but i had teachers and that was enough. i’ve spent my life waiting for someone to save me from myself and i thought that maybe i’d find that person in a teacher because god knows it wasn’t going to be my parents. i want to worry people and i know that’s fucked up. doesn’t matter. i’ve hurt people and they’re gone. i can admit the things i’ve done now because i won’t be here to face the consequences.

i feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. i don’t think i’ve ever really had a real connection with anyone. i don’t think anyone has ever really liked me. i know people say that all the time. i just don’t think that anyone has ever really understood me. i think people get close to me and see what they want to see because i’m an option, most of the time one of very few, and because i become the person they want me to be, they chose me. and we get close. and we spend some time together and then they leave. and that’s ok. but every time im left with this feeling that i made up the entire thing. i don’t think we were that close. i don’t think this happened. i think i made it up. and i make peace with it until it happens again. and i’m left wondering how much of the friendship or relationship was just created in my head. but that’s ok for now. i just don’t think i can connect with people in the way that other people can. i feel like an alien. i feel like i live on a planet with a language i can understand but cannot speak. i want to be saved.

last night i cried so hard in my boyfriend’s arms because i don’t want to be here anymore. i didn’t tell him that until this morning. he said “please don’t i’ll be sad”. that’s cool. i’ve realised that that’s all a person can ever say when faced with the idea they could lose someone to suicide. what can you do? i want you to do something but what can you do? i want to be saved. what can you do? i hate my job and there’s no one there that can save me. it’s not the way it was when i was in school. i want to be taken back to the ward i was taken to at sixteen and i want to stop them calling my mother. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUTUBE I AM FUCKING DYING WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING CARE!!!!! i want to go back and i want my mum to cry and i want her to hold me. i have work in 2 hours and i haven’t slept. i won’t go, im quitting anyway. i’m not sure there’s any point actually. i want to go back to college and i want someone to worry. i want to apologise to everyone who’s ever gotten close to me. i want to rip my hair out.

i’m in a room covered in mold and i feel sick. my house has never felt like home but at least i had my room. but now it’s covered in mold and all the little things i bought for short term pleasure are damp and mouldy. it’s not my fault it is the way it is but i’m left to fix it day after day. it’s almost as if painting over the mold will never fix the problem. i haven’t painted in over a month. i think im done trying to fix it. i’m wallowing because i don’t know what else to do. i’ve been in this room for so long i don’t think i have it in me to leave, even if it is killing me. the misery is comforting because it’s all i know. i try to be better i really do try. for myself and others. i don’t think i truly know what’s right and what’s wrong. all i know is i’m trying and i’m learning and i’m no longer doing the things that i now know are wrong. but i don’t think i’ll ever feel better. i feel like i’m destined to feel this way forever.

i don’t think anyone with my start in life could ever truly succeed. generally i’m not sure what that means anyway. get a good job? have kids? get married? do regular people even enough this stuff? maybe a better way to phrase it would be that i don’t think anyone with my start in life could ever be truly happy. i don’t know how anyone is supposed to recover from this. how can i be expected to live a regular life after the things that have happened to me? sometimes i think i should be easier on myself because all things considered, i must cope well because i’m not dead yet. but maybe i don’t deserve to die. maybe all i deserve is to live this sad lonely painful fucking life and carry all this fucking shit until im old and frail and can’t lift it anymore.

[itsapeterthing]

Her Hand || Bucky Barnes

pairing: 40’s!bucky barnes x rogers!reader

summary: after months of keeping your relationship a secret, your brother steve finds out and bucky has an important question to ask him

a/n: another addition to my bucky x rogers!reader collection because i simply could not get them off of my mind last week and i also love bucky and steve’s friendship with all my heart

word count: 2.5k

warnings: quick fight, none

masterlist || request || taglist

1941

You and Bucky had been seeing each other behind your brother’s back for months. You were shocked you both had gone on for so long without Steve finding out considering how neither of you could keep your hands off of each other. Whether it was sneaking kisses when your brother wasn’t looking or holding hands under tables- you needed each other like you needed air.

Despite the fact that Bucky was his best friend, you knew the moment your brother found out everything would change. Steve was nothing if not overprotective of you since the deaths of your parents and his own struggles growing up. He just wanted what was best for you and you knew that, but sometimes the lines were blurred on what that was- especially when it would come to dating... and dating Bucky no less.

So, not wanting to risk your brother’s rage and his friendship with Bucky, the two of you had been keeping your relationship a secret. You knew eventually you would have to tell him, but you both were in such romantic bliss that you told yourself that was a future problem.

You had first told yourself that ten months ago and the future was bound to catch up.

“Buck, you need to go.” You giggled against his lips before pressing yours against his once again. “He’s gonna wake up.”

“C’mon Y/n.” Bucky chuckled, gripping your waist tighter and pulling you closer to him. “He sleeps like a rock. Just let me in, hmm? Just for one night?”

“Shh!” You hushed him, wrapping your arms around his neck. “You’re not stepping into my room while my brother’s home without a ring on this finger, mister. You understand me Barnes?”

“Doll,” He groaned, throwing his head back which just made you laugh harder. “You know I’ve got a plan- you just gotta be patient, Y/n- trust me.”

Lacing your fingers into his hair, you laughed against his lips.

“Shush, James. You’re gonna wake him up!” You whispered. “You gotta head home.”

“If you insist. One more kiss?” He asked.

“One more.”

Pressing your lips against his, you couldn’t help but smile into the kiss, both of you laughing out of pure bliss. 

Pulling yourself away, you opened your eyes and turned your head to the side only to be met with the sight of your brother standing in the doorway of your apartment.

Eyes growing wide and heart thumping in your chest, you and Bucky jumped away from each other, you pushing him behind you.

“Steve, I can explain.” You pleaded, holding your hands out in front of you.

Watching as his hands balled into fists at his sides, you knew you weren’t going to be getting out of this one easily.

“You better have a damn good explanation.” He said, firmly.

“Steve, I-” Bucky attempted to speak up, moving from his spot behind you to be by your side.

“You can have every girl in this city, Buck, and you just have to go after my sister too?” Steve asked in disgust, cutting off his friend.

Glancing from your brother to his friend, catching a sadness you had never seen before in his eyes, you shook your head.

“Stevie it’s not like that-”

“It’s always like that, Y/n!” Your brother shouted, turning his attention back to you while pointing an accusing finger at Bucky. “You don’t know what he’s like! He takes out a different girl every day and I used to turn my head, but God damn it! My sister too?”

You and Bucky had always known that there wouldn’t be a necessarily positive reaction from your brother when you first told him, but standing in the midst of the situation now you both wished you could escape to seconds before.

A part of you felt so guilty you wished you had told him earlier.

Maybe his reaction wouldn’t have been so bad.

“Steve, I- I don’t do that anymore.” Bucky said, his voice faltering. “I know that I’ve done stuff like that in the past, but it’s over for me now. I care about your sister, Steve. I love her.”

Rather than relax at his friend’s confession of love, you watched as your brother took a deep, long, shaky breath.

“How long has this been going on?” He asked.

“Steve-” You attempted to ease him.

“I said ‘how long has this been going on!’” He shouted this time.

“Ten months.” Bucky confessed calmly from beside you.

It happened so quickly that you couldn’t stop it.

Rather than shout once again, seeing red, you watched as Steve threw himself at Bucky, shoving him to ground and climbing on top of him.

“Oh my God!” You shouted in shock, wrapping your arms around your brother’s torso to pull him off of your lover. “Steve, get off of him!”

Rather than let go, your brother pulled the collar of Bucky’s shirt, shoving him against the floor.

“Ten months!” Steve shouted. “You’ve been seeing my sister for ten fucking months and you didn’t say anything? She’s not something that you can just mess around with-”

Throwing a punch to his best friend’s face, Bucky cursing in pain but not moving to throw Steve off of him, you found the strength to tug Steve hard enough to pull him off, you both falling to the ground in the process.

“Shit!” Bucky cursed, holding his eye.

Glancing from your brother back to Bucky, you pushed yourself to your feet, making your way to Bucky’s side. You dropped to your knees and attempted to examine his wound before turning back to your brother.

“You know- this is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.” You told your brother. “I mean, God, Steve you’re so overprotective of me. You get so mad when people think you can’t fight or handle yourself, but you do the same shit to me. I can handle myself! I’ve known Buck just as long as you and I know what he used to be like but it’s not like that anymore, Steve. I know what I’m doing. I’m with Bucky and you can either come to terms with that or... I don’t know... but I’m not leaving him.”

Noticing how your brother’s shoulders began to relax and his fists loosened at his sides, you turned back to Bucky, gently brushing your fingertips against the bruise forming around his eye.

“I should get you some ice.”

Rather than agreeing, Bucky shook his head adamantly.

“No. Leave it doll.” He groaned, moving his hands up to hold his eye once again. “I deserve it.”

Glancing back up at Steve you saw him sigh before reaching his hand out for Bucky to take. Glancing at you and then Steve’s hand, Bucky took it, Steve pulling him to his feet.

An awkward silence hanging between the three of you for a brief moment, Steve was the first to speak up.

“Y/n, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?” Your brother asked.

“I don’t know.” You shrugged standing up. “You gonna try to throw him over the fire escape?”

“Y/n, it’s okay.” Bucky said, pushing himself up to his elbows. “Head inside. I’ll be fine.”

Eyeing Bucky and then your brother, you sighed, shoving past Steve to reach the open door of you and your brother’s shared apartment.

“If I see another bruise on his face, Steve, I sweat to God I’ll kill you.”

And with that you shut the door.

Watching the door slam and his face, Steve sighed, moving to sit on the steps that led up to your apartment, Bucky following behind. 

Groaning as he slowly situated himself beside his friend, Bucky glanced at Steve and sighed.

“I’m sorry for not telling you.” Bucky said, staring out into the dark night in front of him. “I was just afraid of what would happen when you found out. You’re my best friend and I didn’t want you to get so pissed that you never wanted to talk to me again... or never let me talk to her again. I really love your sister though, Steve. This isn’t like the other ones.”

Steve knew without him even saying it that you were different from his past relationships. He had never seen his friend so sincere, so vulnerable. Ten months was far beyond the longest relationship Bucky had ever been in which lasted a total of three weeks. Ten months was a long while for anybody- especially his best friend.

“So uh... ten months huh?” Steve asked, glancing at his friend sat beside him. “That’s a... that’s a long time.”

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, turning to face Steve. “That’s kinda why I’m glad you know now. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about... if you’re in a good mood anyway. I don’t want a matching shiner.”

Not being able to hold back his laugh, Steve chuckled, nodding his head.

“Go ahead, Buck.”

Although Bucky had run through this conversation since one month into your relationship, as he sat there now next to Steve, he didn’t know if he would actually be able to say it. He had gone through hundreds of different scenarios thousands of times, but choosing the right one in this important moment seemed almost impossible.

His mind drifting to you though, he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He didn’t want to. In his mind he had already waited long enough.

“I just want to do this right, Steve.” He said, facing his friend, trying his best to sit still and stay calm. “You know, I’ve thought about how I have to do this my whole life- asking the dad and everything- but I don’t know if it’s better or worse that I have to ask my best friend.” Bucky chuckled. “I know your sister can handle herself and everything- she would say that it’s stupid that I’m even asking you and everything- but I love her and I just want to do this right because she’s it for me, pal.”

“What are you saying?” Steve asked.

“I wanna marry her, Steve.” Bucky said finally. “And I don’t want you to think this just came out of nowhere. I’ve known for a while. Ma gave me her ring ‘n everything and I’ve been ready for so long, but I couldn’t do it without telling you and asking you for her hand ‘n all.”

Staring at his friend, eyes growing wide, it hit Steve for the first time just how serious not only Bucky was, but your relationship. You were Steve’s little sister, adopted at an age that he had barely known life without you and Bucky was his best friend- a friendship forged so young that he couldn’t remember not having him by his side. It was hard for Steve to believe the words he was hearing out of Bucky’s mouth.

Not only were you and Bucky in love with each other, but he was ready to devote his life to you.

“Wow, Buck.” Steve exclaimed at a loss for words. “What happened to her being a ‘nosy punk’?”

Chuckling, Bucky shrugged.

“C’mon you know I always had a soft spot for her.” He said. “I don’t know... things changed. I’m sorry for not telling you, pal, I am. I was just scared of losing her ‘cause she’s the best damned thing that ever happened to me.”

Moving his hand to Steve’s shoulder, Bucky gripped it gently.

“I promise I’ll take care of her.” Bucky said sincerely. “As much as she’ll hate it- I’ll do everything I can to protect her. I know I don’t have much, but I’ll give her a good life, Steve. I’m with her until the end and then some. I’ll be haunting her ass as soon as I’m six feet under.”

Not being able to help the laugh that escaped his mouth, Steve chuckled, resting his hand on his friend’s shoulder in return.

“So you really love her?” Steve asked.

“Steve, I’m asking you to let me marry her.” He said. “Of course I love her.”

Removing his hand from his friend’s shoulder, Steve shook his head in disbelief.

“This is a lot to take in, Buck.”

And it was. 

You were his sister and as hard as it was, he would do whatever it took to protect you. He almost couldn't help but feel a part of his heart sink, feeling as though you didn’t need him anymore. But as he stared at his best friend and heard both yours and Bucky’s words replaying in his mind he couldn’t find it in himself to stand between either of the people he cared for most.

The longer Steve thought about it, the more relieved he was that his two favorite people had found their way to each other.

“You promise you’ll take good care of her?” Steve asked, glancing at his friend in the dark night, only the light shining through the window of the apartment highlighting his face.

“I promise, pal.”

Staring straight ahead of him, Steve finally nodded.

“You have my blessing- or whatever it is- to ask her.” Steve said, giving his permission. “It’s her decision, but I’m not gonna stand in your way, Buck. Just don’t forget about your brother-in-law, alright?”

Not being able to help the complete and utter joy he was feeling from the pieces finally coming together in his life, Bucky shook his head, laughing.

“God, ‘brother-in-law’.” Bucky repeated. “This is really happening, huh?”

“I guess so.” Steve smiled, standing to his feet. “Now go plan that proposal and everything. You’ve convinced me, now you just gotta convince her.”

Only chuckling in response, still sitting on his spot on the step, Bucky fiddled with his fingers, basking in the relief of the weight he had been under finally being lifted off of his chest.

Moving towards the door of his apartment, Steve glanced over his shoulder at his best friend.

“Hey Buck?” He called.

“Yeah?”

“For uh...” Steve said, clearing his throat. “For what it’s worth... I’m glad it’s you.”

Not giving him an opportunity to reply, Bucky listened as the door shut behind Steve, leaving Bucky on the steps of your fire escape alone with his thoughts.

Slipping his hand into his pocket Bucky pulled out the ring his mother had given him two months before, twisting it around in his fingers. It took everything in his power at that moment to not knock on the door of your apartment and propose to you right then and there. Instead, he closed his eyes, feeling the cool metal against his skin, planning just the right way to convince his best girl to spend the rest of her life with a lovesick fool like him.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #Bucky Barnes drabble #bucky barnes blurb #40s!bucky