#my friend just told me she thinks I’m super autistic because I’m low empathy and low sympathy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vincent-g-writer · 3 years

Text

The Silver Screen Savant: Thoughts on Hollywood Autism, Pt. 1

When I was a child, I didn’t fit in.

A common statement, many people empathize with. However, to say “I didn’t fit in,” is a gross understatement. I stuck out like a sore thumb, and at times, still do. Now, why was this, you may ask? Well, there are things I could name. A banal little checklist of traits and characteristics would probably do the trick. But I’m not sure that would do it justice. So I’ll tell you what it felt like:

I had trouble reading facial expressions, because people’s face, and hands, and body would say one thing, while their words said another. Smiles that didn’t reach the eyes. Laughs that were a little too hearty, or loud, or hollow. Disingenuous conversations and actions frustrated me. If lying was wrong, why were, as my mother used to call them “little white lies” acceptable? Why did we smile and thank our new neighbors for their homemade casserole dish, before promptly throwing it away when they left? These things, and many others, puzzled me. But the thing that puzzled me the most, was interacting with my peers. I didn’t understand the sensation of a hundred million bees, pricking me with electric anxiety when I went to school, or played with children in the neighborhood. I didn’t understand why they weren’t constantly talking, wondering, asking- about everything. I didn’t understand how their minds worked. Most of all, I didn’t understand why it physically hurt me to look into people’s eyes, child and adult alike. On the other hand, I did notice they didn’t like me very much. “You’re weird,” they would sneer. Or “you talk too much.” And, they were right. I knew they were. Even as I would wax poetic about all sorts of nonsense, like the difference between a cocoon and a chrysalis. I knew. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t shut myself off.

And that’s just one tiny example, of a lifetime.

Back then, if you’d asked what was “wrong” with me, on a good day, I would have shrugged. Other times, when I despised every fiber of my being, I’d parrot back the sentiments of my peers. “Freak,” “loser,” and “r*tard” were words I heard often. And for a long time, I believed them.

Today, I know differently. Not to say the above struggles no longer apply. If anything, some of them are worse. But now, I now longer blame or hate myself for being different. Now, I understand.

The Lightbulb Moment

In 2014, my daughter began speaking. She was four years old. Before then, she could say “dada,” “juice,” “two,” and “go.” The rest was garbled noises, when and if she made a sound. Most of the time, she didn’t. My wife and I were concerned, to say the least. But it wasn’t exactly a new worry. My princess never crawled, never pointed to get people’s attention, or show them things, and did not play with toys. Plus a host of other concerns. So we hopped on Google, and after about, oh, half an hour of research, got in touch with a doctor. Now, I feel like I must add the caveat here that we wanted to have her seen before then. However, many issues (including a bout of homelessness) prevented that. So we were a bit…late, in that regard. No matter. Her doc sent her to a local play therapist, and after about fifteen minutes of interaction, the therapist knew exactly what was going on: Our little Princess was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

But wait! There’s more-

Once this became clear, my wife started looking into other things. Her own independent research, as it were. She kept it to herself for a month or three, then avalanched it all into my lap . Our Princess wasn’t the only one, as it turned out. And really, had I ever bothered to look…it was obvious. But I was in denial. I couldn’t possibly be autistic. So, like the stubborn Taurus I am, I dug my heels in. I refused to discuss it, for almost year. But, my beloved wife, who is much smarter and wiser than I am, knew what to do. In the name of “research for Princess,” she had me read a list of common autistic traits/symptoms. And it all came crashing down. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was, without a doubt, also on the spectrum.

The gift of the Media: Fear, self hatred, stigma…superpowers?

Now, you might be asking, why exactly did I doubt myself? Cultural association, of course. And by “cultural association,” what I really mean is “the media.” Mostly, anyway. See, I’ve noticed a trend. In movies, tv and books, autism is usually presented in one of two ways: The Rainman, or the Idiot Perma-child, who cannot care for themselves. And I’m neither.

On the one hand, I was a straight A student. I could sleep through classes and make 100%. I was reading by the age of three or four, and I graduated highschool at fifteen. On the other, I have been known to go a full forty-eight hours without eating, because I “didn’t think about it.”

But I’m not the autistic person you see on tv. Now, that isn’t to say those people don’t exist. They do. For example, my daughter deals with much more noticable struggles than I ever have, while I have another member of my family (also on the spectrum) who is a certifiable genius. And I’ve known many others who are “obviously” autistic, whereas I pass as allistic* (see footnotes below) easily. Which is a sad discourse altogether, really. One the one hand, an “obviously” autistic person, what one might call “Low Functioning” (I could write a whole other post about why “low/high functioning” labels are harmful, however, for the sake of brevity, there’s some here, here and here) are often boiled down only to their struggles, where as people such as myself are relegated to “Not autistic enough to be my problem” or “well, you don’t look autistic.”

To quote-

“The difference between high-functioning autism and low functioning is that high-functioning means your deficits are ignored, and low-functioning means your assets are ignored.” -Laura Tisoncik

Why is this? As you might have guessed from the title of this post- I put a lot of it on the shoulders of the entertainment we consume. Nevermind certain hate organizations who swath themselves in the cloak of “advocacy” such as Autism Speaks, and Anti-Vaxcers, who think it’s better to have a dead child than an autistic one.*

I could go on. At length. However, I’m going to try and stay on track, just this once. To put it plainly, Hollywood Autism often works exactly like “high” and “low” functioning labels: We’re either uplifted to inhuman portrayals of superpowered savants, or downgraded to an “inspirational” invalid. In these stories, we’re props. The “Magical Disabled person!” as Tv Tropes puts it, there to uplift the neurotypical character from their adversity. After all, if this poor dumb sod (i.e- me) can be happy with their burdensome life, surely the pretty white able-bodied protagonist can! We’re “funny,” “scary,” or “sympathetic,” characters, who lack dimension, and nuance. We’re “inhuman.” We’re the lesser. Or at least, that’s one way it’s written. The other is the hyper intelligent, almost “superhuman,” and definitely super jackass genius, who’s much too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy. That’s it folks! That’s the show!

That’s what books, tv and movies told me, anyway. And what I truly believed for a long time. It’s why I cringed away in terror and shame when my spectrum issues were finally noticed. And why it took me so long to come to terms with it.

So, there you have it. Part 1. On the next episode, I’ll give some examples, both good and bad, and maybe even a little “what not to do,” or at least a “please consider real hard before doing this in your own work.”

If you like writing, talking about bad tropes and even worse marginalized representation, you can follow me at wordpress or at my “still has that new car smell” twitter. For now- thanks for reading.

-Your loving Vincent

*allistic= Non autistic.

*Vaccines do NOT cause Autism, however, if they DID, it would still be better to have an autistic child than one who died at the ripe old age of “easily preventable but deadly communicable disease.”

4 notes · View notes

lady-caden · 4 years

Text

30 days of Autism Acceptance

Im going to do a few in one post! I forgot to do this recently!

April 16: Do you experience hyper empathy or low empathy? Talk about it. What is it like?

Um,,,,I believe i’m very sympathetic but not very empathic! So low empathy!

Honestly, it can be hard to relate to others but i think I manage! It’s also hard understanding the mood of my friends/the room i’m in sometimes because idk what the people are feeling!

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Yes! It sucked! When I was younger I was constantly called really horrible things and was always given wayyy simpler task that “i could handle” and i had people tell me to my face that I wasn’t as good as the other kids because i was autístic! It hurt really badly! I was also babied a lot and was always the very innocent kid and was treated kinda weridly when i swore or talked about soemthing not completely sfw. I had this one friend who told me i couldn’t swear and i shouldn’t act so wild/nsfw (which what?? i didnt) because i was so innocent and should stay that way. she would like...try to take me away from ppl i was talking to if she thought i shouldn’t hear it, it was wild! I tried telling her i could decide for myself what I could do but i wasn’t very good with my words and she never really got the point...Oh well!

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

lol imma be honest, i didn’t care. like at all. It was very obvious from when I very young that there was something a bit different with me from others. I always knew that because the people around me made sure I knew. When I was diagnosed I was very young and didn’t even really understand what it meant. All I knew was that it gave an explanation for the way I was and that I had some councilor lady follow me around school and I had special math classes.

Now idk how I feel? I’m just me and I feel like me. I “rediscovered” I was autistic in 8th grade when I had to go in for more testing, then I actually looked into it and now i kinda just accept that’s who i am.

April 19: Talk about scripting. Is scripting something that you normally do? What kind of situations do you have a script for? Does it help you?

Kinda! I have to write out what I say in situations i’m not used to! Actually when I was going some rough patches with people, one of my friends helped me a lot in figuring out what to say! Im super grateful for that! So yes, I plan out what I’m going to say a lot, whether it’s repeating it in my head wayy before the actual social interaction, or writing it down and practicing it then. I use scripting mainly in “Difficult” or awkward situations. It helps me a lot!

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming?

I really enjoy swimming! I used to stim a lot when I was younger in public! but now im a bit self conscious about it! I rock. A lot. I still do that in public, and i p much always do it while eating! I also sway on my feet, I flap my hands, I do a lot of finger/hand stims. One of which is like...turning a invisible door knob? so do that one a lot. I also just shake my hands a lot. for individual stims! I rock when i’m happy/upset/content/whatever lol. I shake my head down when I’m happy! I shake around my hands when Im just idle and vibin or stressed. I press my face against my shoulder/rub my face on my clothes when i’m anxious or just in gen. I do a lot of stims without noticing so idk. oh i also bounce. so much. just so much. all the time.

Ido own stim toys! I have a lot! I have two chewy necklaces, two of those stim square things, and one shaped like a controller, i have a lot of squishes, i have a magnetic thing and a newton’s cradle as well. I also have a lanyard for school I twirl, feel the edges, and just stim a lot in general with !

I wish people would understand it’s just a natural thing autistics do! (and other neurodivergent ppl to some extent) We do it to regulate emotions! Please don’t make fun of stimming!!

#30daysofautismacceptance #30 days of autism acceptance #autism #actuallyautistic #mine #long #yeah!#enjoy this long post!#i do the next five tomorrow!

3 notes · View notes