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letitbefiction · 2 years

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Swim - prologue

A/N: okay its three am, im high and in the mood for writing! I decided to rewrite an old fanfic of mine. A little ODD, but this time changing it a bit since well…im no longer 16. And mental health is a HUGE part of my life. I want to write down and represent mentally ill readers. Not the perfect y/n ideal, someone with emotional issues and shit they need to work on. This represents mostly bpd and ptsd, I’ll put triggers especially if there’s anything in specific in each chapter.

A/N2: tbh this is more of a prologue than anything, so look out for some more content because IM BACK

Warning- mentioning of c*tting, slight and its not in depth obviously. Its just one sentence tbh

Paring- Peter Parker x stark!reader

Type: idk casual, nothing more its just a prologue

Word count: 1.6k

A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people.

They say that when you’re a teenager you’re going to make memories for life.

Well, whoever said that can go straight to hell along side the memories you ever made.

It was a constant thought you had in the back of your head, especially in the mornings; mostly because it involved school and seeing people you absolutely despise.

Your alarm went off practically screaming at you to get up, but you? After fighting to find your phone you turned it off and threw it to the other side of the bed.‘Whatever’s out there, its not worth waking up at six in the morning for’ you thought to yourself, pulling the covers over your head in a pathetic attempt to hide from the morning sun.

“Y/n dear..your alarm went off four times already” a voice called from the other side of your bedroom door. A small knock following it. You could hear the door slowly open as slow and dragged feet made their way to your bed.

“Come on.. I know you hate mornings but you have school to go to” the elderly voice hummed before sitting on the side of the bed, slowly taking off your blanket shield away from you.

You slowly opened your eyes and looked at your grandmother with a disappointed look. Humming you slowly sat up and slouched on the bed “I know gran” you grumbled “exactly why I hate mornings”

But the elderly lady just chuckled at your response “oh come on sweetheart, you know you hate mornings even if its 1 pm” she smiled and put her hand on your y/h/c. You sighed and shrugged, watching her slowly get up. “Well, I made you some breakfast to perhaps cheer you up and help you with your medicine” she said, tapping your knees as if to urge you to get up.

She smiled playfully as you fixed your posture with a weak smile “yay..” you cheered sarcastically as she began walking towards the door.

She had good intentions really, and you knew that. Thats what you loved about your grandma. No matter how much of a hardass you were, she was always so kind to you. Always extremely patient and at least trying to help.

…

But honestly the mentioning of your pills kind of made you lose your appetite.

“wonderful, get ready I’ll get the coffee ready” your grandma hummed before closing the door. “Thanks gran” you smiled sweetly, slowly removed your warm covers and getting up on your two feet. Your smile dropped when she did, its six in the morning and smiling before coffee was almost impossible.

Your room was messy, per usual.

You never bothered to keep it clean more than four days anyways, and god knows that nowadays you were too tired to try and clean it anyway.

Your bed was attached to the wall, the window right above it, on your headboard were old pictures taped with some duct tape.

The only framed thing was a sentence scribbled on a note, and that was resting on your bedside table.

At the foot of your bed was an enormous amount of books. From sketchbooks to manga and comics to even random school textbooks that overflowed your small book storage.

Next to it was your white trimmed mirror and just like the wall over the bed, there were pictures all over, but this time less personal. A collage of movies,bands, shows and just general stuff you seemed to like.

Walking on the cold wooden floor you picked up a bunch of clothes on the floor, and some from the closet. Choosing a rather normal outfit, nothings special.

A beige T shirt with a print, black baggy jeans and blue converse you thrifted the other day.

You grabbed your jean jacket from your computer chair and stepped out to the living area. You went to brush your teeth and after a few minutes you returned, to eat, ironic isn’t it?

“You look wonderful dear” your grandmother smiled seeing you walk tiredly by her multiple times while getting ready. Going up and down your small apartment. The smell of pancakes interfering your thoughts constantly as you got dressed, almost urging you more than your grandmother to head out to the kitchen.

After looking over yourself multiple times before giving up knowing you won’t be satisfied with the reflection anyways, hearing your name cut your thoughts short.

“Y/n—” “coming!” You yelled and swung your door open with a pressed smile. “this smells delicious!” You sighed in delight as you got closer.

The kitchen matched the rest of the house, cozy and warm, most colors were consisted of cream, orange and white. You had a fairly new equipment even though Queens isn’t known for it’s ‘good wealth’ so you weren’t one to complain.

You walked closer to her, reaching up your arm and opened the cream colored cabinet above your grandma’s head, fetching two plates and placing one next to your beloved guardian.

“a good breakfast for a good day!” She smiled cheery as she pointed you to where the perfectly made pancakes were cooling down “Thanks gran” you kissed her cheeks delicately and smiled.

“Hey how are your cut—“ “they’re healing. Got then covered. And got this jacket just in case” you showed a weak smile. Showing her your bracelets on your wrists before looking up at her, desperately wanting to get away from the subject. She sighed and smiled “..right..good good” she nodded quietly. You smiled awkwardly and grabbed honey from the lower cabinet, heaing over to one of the small kitchen chairs with a sigh.

Not even a second passed since you sat down and the gray haired woman spoke again. “Here ya go” she humned, earning your attention quickly when placing the orange plastic container next to your coffee cup.

‘Serenada’ , a mood stabilizer you felt was useless.

Closing your y/e/c eyes and hanging your head low, the thoughts of ‘why am I like this’ and ‘wow your brain is so fucked huh?!’ reaching to your mind faster as you force the white sedative down your throat.

But you smiled back at her, afterall, its not her fault you’re like this.

Time passed quickly when you have someone to accompany you, and even better when it’s your grandmother. But soon it was time for you to leave, either that or you’ll miss your train.

“Your parents would be so proud of you..” she whispered suddenly, causing you to stop at your tracks as you picked up your blue school bag from the floor.

You smiled sadly and nodded “heh..thanks gran” you muttered before heading out, trying your best to ignore the flashing images of the last time you saw your family back in 2010.

‘That was..so random..’ you thought to yourself as you placed your headphones over your head and let the music overflow your mind even if it was just a bit.

- - - - - - - - - - -

The sun shown directly over your head, which was ironic considering how cold it actually was in queens during the autumn.

The sound of rushing steps and traffic crossing your music from time to time as you pumped into a few people, trying to squeeze past so you got to your train in time. Unlike another person who barely made it through the door, you knew him, after all he was your neighbor-Peter Parker.

You glanced over to him before forcing your eyes to look away as he made his way through the cart, desperately trying to fix his appearance, probably for Liz.

You eyes somehow made their way back to him, a pop of red and blue flannel reaching out through his blue sweater collar, he seemed tired non the less he seemed energized. his eyes were open and ready, like waiting for a command.

‘Like a dog..’ you thought to yourself, not even sure why the comparison even came to your mind. Maybe because of the fact he looked like a lost puppy most of the time.

His disheveled curls running loose over his forehead no matter how many times he had tried to fix them into place. Brown bright eyes staring ahead, music muffling through his white headphones.

You scanned him down, you weren’t sure what was your opinion on the particular boy. He was odd and bullied , but also liked by most people who aren’t flash.

But how come you never even talked to him even though he’s your neighbor for the past 7 years? fearing of getting attached or maybe just refusing to get ideas into your stubborn head.

Either way, you were complete strangers as far as you knew. And right now you’re starting at him.

His eyes suddenly darted at you, they were delicate and warm, a small spark appeared in them. He sent you a gentle tight smile and you turned your head with a blank stare, pretending as if you didn’t just stare at him for a few good minutes.

You weren’t one to get attached, or rather let others even try to get close to you.

You soul was drained out of your body years ago and you were left with anger, constant anger and frustration.You were constantly drowning in your own thoughts and feelings, never seeming to focus on the light above.

You were chained to the bottom of the ocean, wondering if you’ll ever learn how to swim.

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wannabe-0-kg · 10 months

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my story

i started starving when i was 9 , at 11 started throwing up food not just starving,12-13 laxatives (bisacodil) and furozimid came to my life,i lived w my grandma for 5 months cause i was arguing w my mom and dad ,my grandma had no idea what was happening so i was starving and taking pills easily.

14 i got diagnosed with anorexia nervosa stared taking antidepressants, thats was my most active period, lost 9 kg in less them a month, people had to carry me to the 4th floor so i could get to class on time .

i was fainting everywhere looked literally dead , cause of the losing weight pills my eye whites were yellow.all skin and bones .that was the best time of my life

ive been in therapy for4 years now 2 years in psychiatry,

now im 15 still losing weight

i never was fat. i always was skinny, i spend 7 years in dance and gymnastics now doing ballet,

i just always were the skinniest in the group/class/etc..

and i always kept it that way and still do

now i am taking antidepressants and mood stabilizers for 2 years now ,

diagnosis:💕

ana nervosa

Cyclothymia and bpd

general anxiety disorder

( i my moms side of the family is crazy)

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evilichu · 5 months

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take your meds (a cautionary tale)

medication is truly wild. being mentally ill is weird as hell too.

i mean i read and hear a lot about bpd and i know it's a mental illness but at the end of the day i'm just like yeah bpd makes me a little silly. just a little bit. but i'm just like everyone else. i tend to forget that it's literally an illness a chemical imbalance and all that.

before i took my current medication (lithium) i was struggling with very strong suicidal thoughts. i was in the planning phase and i couldnt go to sleep without thinking or dreaming on how i would do it. and when i started taking it that changed a bit.

lithium didn't get rid of those thoughts, i still thought that i could kill myself and it's a comforting idea but i stopped the planning and the thoughts weren't as heavy as before. but it doesn't feel like healing, you know? it doesn't feel like mental illness either it just feels like it was an obsession that i kind of got over

so to me, even if i know that the medication is helpful, it doesn't feel like it because i never truly pin pointed my betterment to the medication. so, it wouldn't be such a big deal if i didn't take it for a couple of days, right?

i'm out of my psychiatrist office, walking to the bus stop and i see on my way a trashbag FILLED with pills. full boxes of different medications I've never even heard of. truly i had never seen more pills in my life. it's right on the sidewalk. and the thought comes to mind to just take it, go to the nearby beach and od there. if they're throwing them away they're probably not in good condition but who cares i'm not trying to heal my booboos.

and i walk a couple more steps but i can't leave because my way out of life is right there. it's time. and i hear my own mind going crazy and im just on the sidewalk, and i start sobbing because i asked my mom to come with me to the appointment but she said no and she will always feel guilty for my death, for not coming with me. but it's time. and i'll get to see the beach one last time.

but there's also that side that's going you have to call someone. you can't do this to your mom, to your whole family. but who can you call? what if i call my mom and she drives here and she rushes so much she crashes? i could call my ex but he's so done with me i can't stress him out. i could call my best friend but she lives in another country so what can she do. you can't burden anyone with this, but you can't kill yourself yet. not yet.

so i walk a little more and i keep walking, sobbing, probably making every stranger around me so uncomfortable. but i keep walking and crying until i'm far away and i start to feel a bit better even if the idea of going back is appealing.

and now i'm on the bus. and i don't understand how those thoughts can rush back to me in only three days of not taking my medication. i know i'm mentally ill but i also forget what that means, i'm young and lucky enough to not have needed medication until now, and it's so crazy to me that it feels like i cannot control my own mind.

i feel like i should be able to control symtomps, but i can't. that's what lithium is for.

anyway.

#bpd #bpd diary #bpd life #quiet borderline #tw: sui thoughts #tw suicidal thoughts #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide #bpd thoughts #issue: bpd ⛈️

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sessakag · 8 months

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I can't thank you enough for sharing your struggles. A lot of people treat mental illness like its a big secret or like people that struggle are demons. I have bipolar too and its nice to be able to know im not alone. Are you pure bp or is there another on it too. I have bipolar and ocd. I hate the med cycle too. its always up and down every time a melt down happens and trying to get help is awful. sometimes id rather just suffer than to hear everybody telling me theres nothing they can do to help.

Oh no, it'd be too easy to just be bipolar, lol. I've got bipolar II and comorbid borderline, so it's like up and down all damn day. If I'm not trippin on bipolar, the bpd is acting up. Trying to treat one lets the other just fester, and then shit gets crossed, docs are shaking their head like wtf, and I end up in a damn hospital like wtf now? And the fucking stigma is CRAZY. How the hell do you have stigma against a mental illness in the mental health field?? Make it make sense! I have dealt with so many practices that refuse to take BPD patients because of the difficulty in treating it. Then you finally get a doc qualified to deal with it and somehow, someway, they bounce, and you get shoved to a different doc and have to start all over again. It's like an endless cycle of getting broken, getting half repaired, then getting broken down again over and over, then you lose your shit and folks are like "what's wrong with you?" 🤦🏾‍♀️And the med cycle, omgl. There's a pill for everything, and I swear it's like being on life support, you're just artificially being pushed through the human cycle. Pill to sleep, pill to stay awake, pill to stop the hyper activity in your brain, pill to treat the depression, pill to fight the effects of the other pills, then god FORBID you fall off the bandwagon or one of those damn pills stop having an effect and you have to readjust those meds. It's like being turned on your damn head, you're just dazed and tired, and angry and hopeless and like you say, don't wanna keep reaching out for help anymore. That's the kicker, since middle school people tell you, "there's help out there" and I'm like, where???? Where is it? Getting into a clinic is ti's own terrible battle, staying in treatment, funding treatment, getting the appropriate treatment in the first place, nobody mentions any of that, and sometimes I feel like folks don't care about it. That band aid phrase is thrown out, and folks wash their hands of the situation. One and done. Ya stepped through the door of a clinic and everything is fine now. Everything is not fine. This system is fucked up.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just so damn frustrated with myself and the system.

I'd love to just be fuckin normal.

On a positive note though, I'm glad my sharing helped you, and in turn, your sharing has helped me too.

#bipolar #bpd #mental health #sorry for the rant #sharing is caring

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mono-red-menace · 8 months

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i'm constantly like 'i don't have BPD that's dumb i'm just like. depressed. manic sometimes. idk." and then something happens that makes me feel like i'm gonna be abandoned and every symptom kicks in full force. this happens like. weekly.

idk someone says something that makes me scared they don't love me anymore and hate me and want me gone and i enter a dissociative state and become empty and self-harm or do drugs or something while feeling like i can't stop myself from doing so.

my thoughts just get replaced with a ringing and everything feels hopeless and empty and i don't know how to control myself. i feel small. and like i'm trapped deep inside my body like someone else is in control and forcing me to do awful things to myself, but also like im empty and someone is in my head begging me to calm down but i don't care, i feel so hopeless that all i want to do is make it stop.

i have been Getting Better at it at least. like surprisingly i've been improving from "dissociates and downs a whole bottle of pills" or "dissociates and drinks a whole bottle of vodka" or "dissociates and slashes my arm with a razorblade" to like. actually being able to feel myself in there wanting to stop myself. and like i still Can't stop myself, but i've been able to like. somehow convince myself to do less harsh things. like drink less or hurt myself in a less harmful way or take just a few less pills.

so like that's improvement i guess.

and it doesn't happen as much as it used to.

but i rlly just wish i could Not do any of that.

and idk. anyways i feel pathetic and evil again.

#vent

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coolkidstuffsblog · 1 year

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misty in her feels.

misty x nat lmao ( i hc misty has bpd so stfu )

misty couldnt even fucking believe it, she was all alone again "fucking hate this shit!" she slams her hand down on the table.

she freaks the bird out making him screech "please shut up." she felt tears beginning to form, but he kept screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" she yells as she covered her ears.

tears ran down her face as she sobbed quietly, she lifted her head to see the post it note on a pill bottle 'take ◡̈' she frowned at that.

she bit down on her lip close enough to draw blood, she covered her face as she took off her glasses trembling.

she felt a hand on her shoulder, she jerked her shoulder off the hand "misty?" nat..it was nat "i came to see how you were feeling..cuz ya know..why not." misty grit her teeth as she didnt turn to face natalie "misty?" she reached her hand and laid it there "hey are you-" mitsy turned "DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!" she yelled in natalies face "woah misty..hey." misty began to sob as her lip trembled, she could barely see her glasses were off and tears were in her eyes.

"why are you here." misty walked to the sink grabbing the pills and a cup "oh..well i came to see you." misty filled the cup with water and downed two pills "hey..chill out." natalie began walking towards her "do not..get closer." misty growled "oh and i came for the 300 bucks too." misty frowned "is that all you care about?" nat looked up "you just use me for something stupid, like murder, cases and money..but my question is." she smiled "what do you want from me natalie." misty stared at her.

her face was unreadable, natalie stood shocked.

that was the first time misty used her name..fully.

this was serious then, very serious.

misty began bitting down on her lip "nat..please just go..im a mess right now." she placed her trembling hand on her forehead.

natalie shook her head "im not gonna leave you misty." misty frowned "YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE ME! EVERYBODY LEAVES ME" she yells as she gripped her own hair "I HATE YOU!" she yelled once again before stopping in her tracks looking at natalie.

"im sorry.." she went over to natalie "i didnt mean that..im sorry." she began shaking "im sorry..please forgive me." natalie shook her head "i hate you too." misty shook her head "you dont mean that nat." misty smiled nervously "please say you didnt mean that!" she tugged on her collar "NAT!" she yelled as tears streamed down her face "i meant it." misty pushed natalie back with such force, she could've fallen, misty began to whimper "you dont mean that.." misty turned her back towards nat.

she sobbed quietly "misty.." misty turned around "im sorry.." natalie walked towards her "can i give you a hug?" she opened her arms before misty scooped her up tight "im sorry.." she whispered.

she hugged her tighter before natalie muttered "i love you." misty's face flushed before she looked up "what was that?" "nothing..just ignore it."

natalie kept hugging misty before some body barged in, natalie pushed misty behind her and aimed the gun at the door "hey you were taking to-" shauna looked at them "jesus christ shauna! you scared misty." natalie said as she put her gun in her pocket "well..lets get the fuck outta here huh?" misty smiled up at her before nodding "ofcourse." misty smiled up at shauna before the lady left.

misty turned at natalie and pressed a kiss on her cheek before pulling away "i love you too nat." she smiled as natalies ears and face turned red "meet you in the car!" she giggled and ran off.

"im in trouble arent i." nat said face-palming, caligula squeals as if agreeing with her.

#misty quigley x natalie scatorccio #misty quigley #natalie scatorccio #yellowjackets #misty x natalie #misty x nat

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himikotoga · 6 months

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decided I will get new pills and will probably have to go through a lot of construction steps to get properly diagnosed for other things I’ve been suffering heavily and treatment that I need . &hope things will take a good turn for my mind. ive been ignoring my weekly hospital visits for a year and a half now it’ll be a new turn for a really long period of self sabotaging please root for me it would mean a lot </3 im positive my family will not respond well (and beyond)knowing that there are additional diagnosis besides bpd and bipolar, since they already do not view me as a valid being with conscious speeches, but I think it’s for the best and something that I will have to do eventually

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scabsdriesflakesandheals · 1 year

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i always get so fucking annoying when im without weed (when i choose to not smoke it’s easier to deal with but this time my mom hid the bag again)

like i love/s having my bpd traits on full display and everyone is like Wow Geez What’s Your Fucking Problem and i have to be the guy who’s like Waaahhh i don’t have Weed Drug :(( and look like a little piss baby bitch

im so angry today tho like. my sibling smoked literally all that was left except for like 3 little scraps that if i tried to put in a bowl it’d just fall into the downstem, i went to check the weed butter and it’s literally halved from how much there was like a week ago because Someone keeps taking it like a pill and swallowing like half a batch of edibles’ worth every fucking day so now that we actually need it it’s almost gone :) like good job guys you fucking played yourselves AND me after i said Hey Maybe Do Less! and then in a few days when it’s fucking gone they’re gonna be like wow i wish we had more weed butter :/ and i’ll just be like

#drugs //

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cutelilpupboii · 2 months

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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⚠️THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE THIS IS MY STORY NOBODY SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH WHAT I HAVE SO THIS IS MY VOICE ⛔️⛔️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️⚠️⚠️

THIS IS NOT A KINK THIS IS REAL RAPE NOT CNC ACTUALLY IRL FORCED SEX SLAVES NOBODY SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH SAFEWORDS ARE A MUST IN THIS COMMUNITY AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW OR BELIEVE IN SAFEWORDS AND UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES YOU ARE PART OF THE FUCKING ISSUES ITS NOT ALL MEN BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS MOST CIS

MALES I HAVE MET AS A ADULT ARE CREEPS AND ITS OFFICIAL IM SCARED OF CIS MEN NOW IRL

My thoughts and my story

I remember i was in grade 6 and was in middle school school was horrible life was horrible i was already cutting often i started self harming at a very young age due to the abuse i was going through unfortunately nobody believes a crazy kid whos already been on the mental health ward and is a frequent flyer due to "self harming behaviors " unfortunately alot of the stuff i went through my abusers would blame it on me being bpd and crazy and that i have a crazy imagination and that i hurt myself just because i want attention 🍄

🐶 yha because a 13 year old should definitely know about being a sex slave and know that if i play along and act like im enjoying it they wouldn't hurt me too much ...... but of course its all in my head right because a 13y have a abortions is so common im just acting out lets put you on these pills maybe these will help..... meanwhile im actually being drugged to the point where i cant move around much in and out of hospital restraints often enough while im on a unit in hospitals as well and i was drugged at group homes often in hospital restraints often being raped daily and SA and trying to run away and unfortunately nobody believes a kid with cuts on there arms ....... the amount of times i truly tried to kms as a kid is alot and i suck at it often punished afterwards so i would be on eyes on i was at the point staff were 1-1 on me i was 2-1 and arms length away ...... which ment i was abused more i had some good staff but unfortunately the amount of people in this is crazy cps is fucked up i was often sold for money and was a sex slave as a kid ...... and it was made so easily the amount of doctors nurses staff in group homes and they all kinda knew each other its werid because in every single one i was in as a kid i was sexually abused and physically and emotionally its just crazy how it could've been prevented if someone actually listened to me and got me help and actually helped me and Didnt take advantage of me.

🐶

#tw trauma #tw sa vent #tw ptsd #vent post #bpd vent #childhood abuse #ptsd recovery #vent blog #tw depressing thoughts

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borderline-gays-club · 5 months

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12/23/23. 10:48 am

I’m more deeply realizing how much time BPD takes away from you. And I’m thinking abt this is my present self not even just from the past.

Bc it’s easy to see how much time BPD has taken away from me: from substance abuse times, being in fucked up relationships/situationships, being an addict in general, deep chronic depression, etc etc.

And now that I’m past the most chaotic self and leaning into some semblance of internal stability, I’m really looking at it from this current perspective.

I was chatting with my friend abt how I’ve been a lot less triggered lately. Or if I do get triggered I can move thru it with much more ease and can get myself to a neutral state much faster. And I realized it’s bc I’ve had a lot more time to myself these days, and I’ve been able to move through life at a slower pace. Which is still not slow enough imo, bc I’m still constantly stressed abt money and the future but it’s worse with that stress on top of being overly burnt out.

I’ve only been working one day a week for the past 2 ish months which has been a blessing. I’ll have to go back to my 30 hours nxt month but im glad I just had this time I did get. Moneys been fully fucked lol, but honestly I’ve been learning how to still make the best of what I have. And after this month I’ll b ok again financially. More or less.

Anyway, working thru BPD triggers takes a lot of TIME. Like long term and short term. The long term work is that consistent daily practice (if not daily as much as possible) of learning urself, reflecting, learning skills, etc etc. and that takes a lot of time. When I was working btwn three jobs I sure as hell did not have the time or energy to be reflective. Burnt out means im on edge and brain dead lol. I can’t work with that. And now I’ve been taking Monday fully to myself where I have no responsibility for anyone but myself. And these mondays have been great. Even tho I’ll prob only have one more fill day to myself bc of a new job, I think I’ll still do like a half day or something.

As someone with BPD, I really need time to recharge and b fully alone. I need that time everyday and I need it every week. I’ll work with the time I’ll have.

And then going back to the short term working thru triggers, that shot can take hours or even overnight to really work thru that immediate intensity of feeling. And I’ve noticed I’ve been getting better at it. It’s still difficult but this process is slow and I’m really learning patience.

I remember the question being posed on a Reddit BPD thread, “if you could get rid of ur BPD wud u?” And I remember at the time I thought no I wouldn’t. It’s everything I know, it makes me me and it’s my whole personality. But now I fully don’t feel that way at all. Not even a little bit. If there was a magical pill or solution that cud immediately get rid of it I would think twice. That shit wud b gone!!! It’s because I’m slowly revealing my personality and identity that’s been buried under this godforsaken disorder. And I’m grateful for these constant shifts and changes that I’ve been consistently going thru.

And it’s crazy bc I haven’t been going to therapy nearly as much bc I’ve been broke as shit and yet I’m able to make active change within myself. It’s really amazing. Also not saying I don’t need therapy lol, if anything I still need at least two therapists. But under these tight and undesirable circumstances I’m still able to work thru all of it.

Anyway I guess In conclusion BPD just steals ur time away and it feels like a full time job that I’m constantly working overtime at with no pay lol. But it’s possible for this full time job to slowly become part time and eventually just become a little side gig haha. Im grateful everyday for this diagnosis (not for the disorder), bc now I know how to move forward. Since I got diagnosed my life has changed so dramatically.

#actually bpd #bpd #bgc #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit

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eclipsesdiary · 1 year

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friday april 7, 2023

i figured out the reason i'm awfully suicidal is because i get my period soon (i should be on it right now technically, but mines irregular so my best guess is its gonna start soon)

worst part is like it's obvious i have both depression/bpd with constant passive suicidal thoughts, but my pmdd thoughts. are actively extremely suicidal. i am basically crying 24/7 for a week straight, i was just sobbing and i'm on the brink of tears at all times, even if i'm like in boring ass history class or something. my thoughts are like a constant drum of "die. kill yourself. take all those pills. throw yourself in front of that car. cut your vein open." and it's not intrusive thoughts, like normal intrusive thoughts where they say those things and i'm like "no lmao why would i do that?"instead my mind decides that theyre genuine options and keeps showing them to me like they're offering me a death menu.

nothing matters for this week. it's just crying, trying not to cry, trying not to relapse, and trying not to die. also it makes our migraines more frequent and extremely miserable, constantly too hot or too cold, all our symptoms get worse.

the best part is that it's theoretically treatable with anti depressants and birth control. but the anti depressants that we're on, it works, but only for the normal depresion, even at a higher dose. birth control, all of the ones we've tried, at least, has had the same affect of a awful, stabbing abdominal pain after like the first week of being on it. it's genuinely some of the worst pain ive ever felt sometimes, we nearly had to go to the ER for it multiple times and it's well worth mentioning we have severe chronic pain (on the chronic pain disability index, we are marked as "moderately disabled" but only 3 (out of 45 possible) away from being severely disabled. i hate this.

im so tired. i am so tired and if i have to deal with this for the rest of my life it might be better to kill myself now tbh.

#daily journal #tw sui vent #actually pmdd

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kdipshit · 1 year

Text

Well I Got The Thing I Needed, I Guess…

I have to learn to do everything my own way, as doing something with someone else’s perspective is just not possible. I have to be difficult all the time huh…

My body stays the same even tho it feels like my brain switches. Perspectives change. Beliefs. Realisations. Like the person I was 1 hour ago was dark and gloomy and quick to anger. irritated. But BPD irritation. I wanted to turn into a tornado and rip thru my entire house taking everyone up in it. Lol. Jk. But fr… and the person I am now is nothing like that. I don’t even think that way at all, why would I even want to it sounds like a war zone over there. Lets remember the parts of ourselves that occupy the body when the body is feeling so dark. She’s still us. Thats still me. Lol how do I say that? Im still me. Thats better. Im so sick of these walls in my brain keeping me from the other sides of myself, I can’t stay in the dark space for very long without scratching my way out. And its painful. Am I supposed to stay in that feeling until it passes? Coz sometimes it feels like it doesn’t fucking end, so I grab my bong and then I’m better. But weed is limited. Sometimes I think ill be better if I was just on the right meds. Im still very upset about my psych trip. And it makes me feel so discouraged to even continue trying…. But. I will keep trying. As long as I have weed to lean on, I’m straight as. But I’m not ignoring the darkness by trying to feel better. I can look at it in another perspective. I gotta do better. I gotta do better. The bruised knuckles do give me character tho. I should message A more quickly next time, she really did an amazing job at switching my perspective, its like she knows exactly how to talk to me. Im so grateful.

+ the weed makes me write better. Its easier to write down the thoughts… I found myself sounding like my hippie ass aunty telling my little sister that thoughts become things lol. Its such a shame that I’m actually crazy because no one really believes me lol. thoughts do become things tho, she was right, I just didn’t see the bigger picture, and I guess no one ever really will until they can for themselves. THANK YOU FOR PAIN. You give your shadow self love by learning how to thank the pain, and the hard journey, and the sleepless nights and teary eyes. Learning better methods, keeping yourself out of thought loops by treating every single day as brand new. Realising no ones got a problem with me lol. Im not a problematic person.

anyways…. Whats been going on wed chyall? Lol imagine all that trauma dumping and then I sip my tea. Your turn aunty. I’m always trine rush finish something because the act of doing something for too long freaks me out. Thats gotta be that ADHD hoe, which will be fixed if I fkn get my right meds bro wtf!!! D: like so much of my problems would be fixed if I just had the fun goddamn meds Jesus FUCK. Is it that hard around here? They think imma pill popper bro won’t even give me valium anymore, dogs. No fkn wonder why I’m smoking like smokey mother fucker, my shits al the way fucked up my boy. Give me the fucking pills lmaoooo. And up them anti-psychotics while your at it lmaoooo.

Does anyone else have conversations with other people in your head? Thats a normal thing right? Well the convos in my head are too quick to for me to write down, but they be having me fucked up on some different shit. I just did it, I just stopped a bad thought for manifesting bigger and replaced it with a better one AS SOON as it appeared. Sometimes I’m not quick enough and it catches me instead. I sat with myself today, I don’t even remember what I wrote in the ideation one. But I remember what mindset I was in, I’m curious to see how honest with myself I was. I can be honest with myself right now and day I don’t think I did good enough. There were times where I was thinking I really don’t wanna do this anymore. I forgot what I needed to remember, which was to redirect all go those feelings into positive ones, I know these things, but at some point, every emotion on peak feels the same, so I was historically crying on the way home, recklessly, because I forgot to remind myself, to switch the thought, look at everything else thats good, and setback or something super annoying happening is because your energy is needed elsewhere!! Butterfly effect, nothing in the end is bad. Its just a redirection, stop being so controlling, and let it be, let it flow, while you only control yourself, your reactions and your thoughts. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions are my kryptonite.

The problem is my thought patter, and how it recycles the same 10-30 sentences over and over again. Some fkn crazy delulu, some that genuinely make sense cuz, and then the same normal other shit, right???? lol. Idk what I’m saying anymore but sometimes I ramble write (all the time) and I read it back and its dope as fuck and I actually make sense.

My poor knuckles are busted all because I knocked and no one answered. Well nah fuck, it was that, and then it was the non answered door last week too, its the non answered phone calls its the non answered emails like broooo. Should not be this hard to see a psychiatrist in my city I swear to god. Without weed I’m completely self destructive, I need to build my strength on my other positive coping mechanisms because typing really hurts. And I love to write. Self destructive me is very overwhelmed and unsure how to untangle everything so everything comes out as a big fat cry.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing

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bipolar-type-2-confessions · 2 years

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a friend of mine who is also ND (but not bipolar) kept interjecting with "oh waw yes i relate" when i was trying to explain my lows and just..... i’m so sick of nonbipolar people telling me ah yeah same exactly the same i relate so much!!! when i try to explain my lows and how debilitating they are. fucking hell. it’s extreme, it’s the fucking point of bipolarity. extremes. i’m at work and suddenly can’t function because i get irrationally paranoid. without a single fucking warning im agoraphobic all over again. i was ok-ish a minute ago. i get vivid flashbacks of all the awful shits ive ever been through. i go from bawling my eyes out to utter, cold emptiness in seconds. i scare myself when i look in a mirror. i don’t see anything in my eyes. i take a bunch of pills to exhaust my body even more because i can’t stop thinking about killing myself. every damn time i spiral out and am on the verge of going to the psych ER. i had to take two sick leaves in the past month already. and i can’t tell my job, because i have zero security. they could find any excuse to fire me, because i’m not as reliable as my coworkers. i’m not as efficient either, because my meds have pretty consequent side effects. like. it’s not a phase, it’s not a rough patch i go through due to some external factors and shitty interactions i had this week. that's my day-to-day brain. i’m gonna spend the rest of my life dealing with it. taking meds to counter as many relapses as possible.

my standard, the closest i get from euthymia, is feeling nothing. there’s just nothing inside. i'm? fucking hell. i'm so sick of it. sorry it sounds so bad and childish, i know we're not the only ones dealing with this stuff, but i'm so pissed off? on top of that yesterday i had to read hundreds of people say loud and clear that it's totally okay to send us to jail when an episode gets out of hands, like it doesn't fucking require medical care and means we need urgent help. i'm so exhausted. it's exhausting to see how little other people listen to us.

You don’t sound bad or childish at all. Your experiences and anger are extremely valid and I’m so so sorry you have to deal with the things you do.

Also, the horrible things you hear people say about us and any other ND people who are considered ‘inconvenient’ to society is something I’ve also heard over and over and it’s terrifying. It IS exhausting. I personally can’t even stay in the same room as people who imply those sort of things. I can’t even begin to imagine how exhausted you must personally feel over it yourself.

I know people think they’re being ‘comforting’ when they say they’ve experienced the same thing but it can actually feel so demoralizing. I have a sister with bpd and she does the same thing and it can feel so condescending. Especially since she’s even explicitly said that her condition is ‘worse’ because bpd is a personality disorder and bipolar II is ‘just’ a mood disorder. But everyone’s experience is unique to theirs.

You’re not alone and your experiences are so very very very valid regardless of what people say.

#bipolar type 2 #bipolar type 2 disorder #bipolar confessions #asks #anon

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