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#and as the ocd ocpd fuck i am

system-of-a-feather · 2 years

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Today I was invited to the table of the game of life. Everyone here is playing their cards, some are playing Magic, others Pokemon, some Yugioh, some playing cards, and even one guy over there has been playing Baseball cards I think, but as absurd as this game looks, they all appear to be building to a greater image.

The call me to the table to add to the game.

I walk up and pull out my deck of one, singular Skip Uno card. I sit down and shout Uno and play my Skip Uno card. I have won.

The table looks at me - paused in bafflement; a silent stare of bewilderment

They tell me that is not how this game of life works. We each create combos, chains, strategies and skills and build this massive play to form a much greater game.

They tell me that there isn't any winning in this game of life; they tell me that I need to bring more cards to the table, draw some more and join in on creating chained webs and supportive suggestions.

I tell them this is all that I have, there is nothing more to how my plays work other than this singular Skip Uno Card. I play Uno, the only function of Uno is to remove your cards. There is a limited amount of chain and skillful strategy that can be played in the traditional game of Uno; even less when your entire deck is empty and all you have is a singular card.

We have an issue. My game doesn't work at this table. We are incompatible, my deck simply doesn't work with the nature of this collaborative game.

I turn to the ref, solutions my good man. I can't fix my deck, I can't generate new cards. I can't make a play other than Skip Uno, what can anyone ask of me.

The ref checks the book, he checks the rules; he looks up and with a quizzical suggestion, asks if I could ask for someone else's cards

I say no, I don't have a card for that, all I have is a single Skip Uno Card. I do not have a Draw 4 or Draw 2. I only have Skip Uno.

He looks at me. He turns to the other players. He whispers in their ears as they chatter among one another. They each pull from their decks, donating one card each and collecting them into a stack.

They hand me the deck. In it, a Preordain, a holographic Charizard, a single piece of Exodia, a four of spades, and Babe Ruth. These cards now sit around my single Skip Uno card.

I turn to the ref, raising an eyebrow at this strange deck built before me; uncertain if this solution would work, if these cards could even possibly be played at this table.

Even so, new options have been placed in my hand. The bizarre game resumes. I play the four of spades.

The turn roles by.

#alter: data #you are free to reblog and comment and all that #writing #creative writing #recovery #actuallydid #this is an allegory for some system shit going on #allegory #allegory writing #data's writing #for myself or other parts that might not understand / remember the context #I have near to 0 foresight and ability to see the future and as a result do not have much ability to make strategies and solutions #and as the ocd ocpd fuck i am #I have one option my brain gives me and I functionably can not think of doing anything else #not even to the point of getting anxiety #i just straight up am structurally dissociated from the ability to think about any other 'plays'#which is even more apparent with how far ahead most parts in our system see #i dont consider myself to have a foreshortened future in the sense I dont think I will die soon or anything #but i do in the sense I literally cant think past the very instant moment #ptsd #c-ptsd #foreshortened future #also yes #this is supposed to be a bit comedic in nature #you can laugh

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allsebaciel · 1 month

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Short answer:

I'm an adult with a full-time job and I am not fandom-brainwashed into comparing real CSA to drawing sensual content based on a manga sexualized by the creator. You are actually vile and I don't want you around children, survivors, or people with OCD/OCPD/POCD/Psychosis/etc. You are atrocious.

Long answer:

This is a prime example of antis not really understanding that it does, in fact, matter that fictional agegap relationships are not comparable to real-word crimes. There's a legal definition of a "real child", for example. I'm sorry to ruin your fantasy but Ciel Phantomhive is not, and never will be, a real teenager or a depiction of a real teenager.

Comparing assault of real human beings with shipping, a lot of which is non-sexual in nature, is actually atrociously disgusting. Please, never talk to anyone who survived abuse. You are dangerous to be around.

No child is harmed. Fictional characters are not real people with feelings. They are concepts, ideas, dolls to play with.

If you attach to fictional media so hard you start thinking that shipping "offends" absolutely anyone, you need to go outside right the fuck now. If you become so parasocially obsessed with media you believe it is a 1:1 copy of a real world, you need to go outside.

#text #guess who came to the wrong guy #anti nonsense #sebaciel related #kuroshitsuji related #anti fandom police #anti harassment #anti censorship #anti anti #blocklist #emeraldcoin #abuse mention

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potatogirlll · 1 year

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so, jojos and autism

Since it's 7 am and i have nothing else to do, I've decided to compile a list of Jojo characters that i think may be autistic. Because there are. A LOT.

Part 3

Jotaro: dude. He is literally THE most autistic anime character I've ever seen in my entire life. How he gets upset over stupid shit but remains calm during actually distressful situations. How he's mostly quiet and his expression is always the same. HOW HE THINKS EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS WHAT HE IS THINKING. and also that one clip with koichi where he is UNABLE to make small talk. Yeah

kakyoin: Self isolated masking child prodigy that memorizes random trivia he finds and uses it as a conversation starter. Literally feels like he is alone in the world and no one can understand him because no one tries and no one can, he also has an extremely internalized displeasure and apathy towards the world... This is mostly subtext but if you pay attention its there, i love my boy

Part 4

Kira: extreme anxiety over his nails, masks all the time, kind of infodumps, lack of empathy, obsession with his routines, etc. This one i am not so sure about, as he definetely has antisocial personality disorder and his obsessions with his routine and his nails could be interpreted as OCD. just some thoughts

rohan: OK HEAR ME OUT. No social awareness, has a very specific way of writing his manga, DOESNT CARE WHEN HIS HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN AND WANTS TO KNOW HOW JOSUKE CHEATED. Licks a fucking spider and doesnt see the problem!!!!!!! ik yall hate him (affectionately????) but i just had to say this.

Part 5

Giorno: usually monotonous voice, thinks outside of the box, always the same expression, socially distant. This one is mostly a gut feeling, but it could also be interpreted as him being a very traumatized kid.

Part 6

Weather Report: RAPTOR HANDS? ONLY WHISPERING TO PEOPLE HE TRUSTS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE HE DOESNT KNOW? TIPTOEING??? yeah

Anasui: (disclaimer: i hate jolysui i hate him as a person i hate how the manga did him i hope he just stays in his little queerplatonic relationship with weather while taking care (very horribly might i add) of emporio and never is exposed to the outside world. i love him. ughhhhh) lack of social cues, especially with jolyne, obsession with dismembering things, extreme emotional outbursts,,, the signs are there, but it could also be interpreted as ocd, ocpd and intermittent explosive personality disorder, respectly. whatever.

Pucci: uses prime numbers as stimming mechanism, kind of sees social interactions unconventionally, lack of empathy (but not as much as kira, also no clear malicious intent, so i dont think hes coded as a psychopath?). Again, could be interpreted as OCD.

not gonna add foo fighters because theyre literally plankton but they do have autistic traits

i havent finished part 7 and havent started part 8. as of writing this, part 9 currently just released its first chapter, and i dont see any autistic traits in any of the characters rn. might edit this in the future and add anyone that i might have missed or just discovered through reading the later parts. Thats all i wanted to say, thanks 4 reading

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hofftrans · 3 months

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Getting real comfortable unfollowing and/or blocking blogs that only use political activism as a way to give themselves a feeling of like moral hierarchy. Like I think it's something we all struggle w to an extent, there's this long held concept of "I can only feel that I am good if I have someone bad to compare myself to" and in a terrifying world with so many terrible, terrible things going on in it I so understand the desire to be sure in the knowledge that you are a good person.

But part of kindness and community and compassion is being able to communicate patiently and empathetically with others, and so often I see posts or tags on this site that could be incredibly informative and create real change if they weren't written like somebody trying to get a mic drop moment instead of trying to get people to change and grow.

This is not to say minorities need to or should be polite to their oppressors, that's absolutely not the message of this post and I wanna clarify that to avoid a "love pancakes = hate waffles" situation.

The message of this post is about the amount of posts on here that bring up any issue in the world at all and phrase it as "not that any of you give a shit" or "and no one fucking cares" or "reblogging this is literally the least you can do" or "but I know you'll just ignore this so fuck you"

Like idk I just feel like we've accidentally recreated protestant values and catholic guilt over the idea of actual change, as well as the dangers involved in like "you should know to do the right thing because you're SCUM IF YOU DONT" instead of going "here's some education or a way to help" and then responding that way once someone refuses growth or change.

I'm going to try and practice what I preach here by explaining one of the reasons I think this is so dangerous without insisting you're a monster for not knowing: a large amount of the population suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and one of the major ways ocd can present itself is ocpd or as my mates and I have come to call it "ethical ocd." Ethical ocd (in vague terms bc I'm not a doctor) is the extreme anxiety/fear/obsession over being morally wrong or a bad person and sufferers often feel the need to prove absolutely that they are good and can often feel the need to self harm or partake in dangerous behaviour if they make any mistakes or have an intrusive thought of a violent or hurtful nature. I know this because I've suffered from this a lot throughout my life, and as a teenager I spent many years away from tumblr due to how the moral hierarchy culture here was just like pouring fuel directly onto an open bonfire. This is obviously an issue many people don't know about and I get that, I feel no judgement towards them for that. I'm just pleading with people to consider whether their activism on here is coming purely from a place of actually wanting to help people improve their behaviour and improve the world we live in or if it comes from a much deeper need to feel sure and right in yourself, which again is not something that is a moral failure or makes you a monster, just something I really hope people can get help with before it spirals into a more and more harmful behaviour

#sorry for the length of this post im just getting a bit tired and sad seeing the amount of people on here who are fighting for good causes!#but are doing so with the exact same energy my RE teacher gave when she told me if i did something hurtful i would BURN IN HELL #instead of explaining to me that the thing i was doing hurts other people and trust in that first instance that i as a humam being want to #do the kind and right thing without being threatened or shamed into doing so

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box-architecture · 3 months

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Sam

First Impression

Little bastard man. I remember thinking "he's probably unfathomably horny." because look at him. Look at all his problems.

Impression now

wet pathetic puppycat all alone in his cardboard box waiting to be told how very good he is for putting up with the rain he could easily avoid by just going inside.

Favorite Moment

He cannibalized his own fucking arm. Whats wrong with him. Why was that his response to his situation. Is he going to do that every time he gets stressed out and anxious and out of control. YOU CAN GET A LOT OF CHARACTER FROM THIS BULLSHIT. (he said the Egg forced him to do it but I do not for one second believe it said "eat yourself." He did that shit on his own.)

Idea for a story

hahahahahaha. I have a lot of ideas. Many of which you have been forced to bear witness to. If I had to choose something that wasn't already put on this blog though uhhhhhhh alternate universe where Sam refused to let Quackity torture Dream, and any torture that happened was from Sam alone. Or a mass effect crossover where Dream is a Quarian and Sam is a Turian, because I think they could be filled with problems. Or a fun fantasy universe where Sam is a righteous paladin who needs to get fucked senseless by the evil overlord (Dream) he's been trying to slay. Or-

Unpopular Opinion

uhhhhhhhhh writing him only as an abusive domineering asshole who goes Grrr Grrr is really boring and is done to death. Put that guy into some situations, make him be whiny and pathetic. Make him super subby and actually secretly want Dream to dom him. Make him whimper and cry and beg Dream to let Sam fuck him. Make him soft and sweet and have him work through his control issues and be forced to reckon with what he's done and then get better. I want to pull up the Sam/Dream tag and scroll down and see something that isnt "non/con torture abuse Dream isn't even a character he's just a punching bag"

I don't actually know if that's an unpopular opinion I just really want content

Favorite relationship

Sam/Dream, or Sam/Dream/Punz. Sam/Punz is also very good but I don't want to have them Without A Dream because I am Normal. I think Drunz can rewire his brain. They can fix him, they can make him worse. They can fuck him into oblivion. Listen to me.

Favorite Headcanon

He has OCD/OCPD. This started with my friend who has OCD going "yesyesyseyes he experiences Symptoms" but now its just kind of permanently etched into my brain. Of course he needs to do certain things to consider himself a Good Person. Of Course he has Rules that Must Be Followed. Of course he needs routine and schedules and gets anxious when things are Wrong. He's just a little guy.

#ask boxed

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pateredere · 3 months

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ayo what's poppin it's gemma here ( s/h, 21+ ) & i am so beyond excited for opening day! i'll be writing for the park i canon, park jeongho, the mayor's son & current chairman of the urban construction committee! i've got a ton more info under the cut ( mild tw for abuse ) cause as usual i haven't learnt to shut my trap but if you're at all keen to plot with me please hit that LIKE button! would definitely prefer d*scord but i can do tumblr ims too ( just afraid of the shadowban ya kno )! but yes tysm mwah!

speaking directly to my sisters in the church of astrology he's a scorpio sun ( mysterious n evil coded basically ) / taurus moon ( craves stability ) / cap rising ( hardworking & efficient lil bastard ) so yeah he's a bit mad to say the least

only child of park jeongwon, the current mayor! to understand jeongho you need to understand a little bit about the parks, but essentially every way in which they move comes with a political agenda so it's no surprise that his parents' marriage is fully a political arrangement! the point of the marriage was to sire an heir and once jeongho was born his mom peaced the fuck out of parenting and went on her merry way living as the jobless wife of the wealthiest man in town! she probably had intended to care for jeongho to some degree but she peaced out honestly for survival ( more on that in the next dot point )

that said jeongho was brought up almost entirely by his father and what i mean by that is he was brought up by the help and criticised often by his father. jeongwon in a nutshell is a smart man honestly prodigy level smart ( think one of those kids who don't study and gets 100% on a test cause the answer is just "common sense" ) with zero empathy so what you get is a grating narcissist who thinks they're better than einstein and he expects no less of his son! most of jeongho's childhood was his father asking for jeongho's test scores and when it's not up to par he just gets smacked and berated and called an idiot kid and honestly he's not much nicer to his wife which is why she made herself scarce

that was essentially the entirety of jeongho's childhood and it lends to his ocpd which he developed at a relatively young age! most people mistake it for ocd but it's really not that he just has an extreme obsession with perfectionism, order and control so he gets irrationally upset when things are not absolutely perfect like everything in his wardrobe is colour-coded and organised by attire type and everyone needs to wash their hands before interacting with him and the help must clean the parts of the house that any human walks through so yeah it's honestly pretty bad but in typical ocpd style he sees no issue with this and thinks other people are just lazy and unclean

anyway as per usual after high school he fucks off to the army and serves in the navy! he chose the navy mostly because jeongho had found goero's ocean to be really calming and had spent a lot of his youth swimming there when he needed to escape his dad! it's when he's in the army that he finds out his cousin passes which honestly is a shame because he liked jeongbin but at the end of the day jeongho wasn't really super close to him so it was kind of whatever

...which explains why he decides it's a good idea to scoop the late jeongbin's girlfriend and attempt to marry her!? as i said everything the parks do is politically motivated and there is no better political move frankly than to marry a yang to combine the park and yang assets so like sorry jeongbin but yeah! outside of those positives jeongho also frankly wanted to marry yang to "win" over his father in terms of choosing a spouse cause obviously his father did not marry a yang ( now's a good time to slip in that this father and son duo are constantly in competition ) and this was really his first ever rebel moment against his dad ( which if you think about it is pretty pathetic )

until his fiance jilted his ass at the altar so now he's the laughing stock of the town and his father is the striking image of mother gothel! after this whole bout jeongho finally and painfully admits that he's lost in this competition with his dad and he is most definitely dumber than his dad and so from here on out he just does everything his control freak of a dad says

father says go to uni so he fucks off to get an undergrad polsci degree then his dad tells him to marry one of his lackey's daughters so he can maintain control over jeongho AND his wife so he fucks off and proposes to shin and now with the land developers coming into goero his dad tells him to run for chairman of the urban construction committee so jeongwon can fully wash his hands of this land developer business ( importantly, he wants jeongho to put a stop to it and make sure no one sells ) so off he goes and that's the reason why he's currently chairman of said committee

cho jiyeon. as said, jeongwon is a really grating man who puts a lot of pressure on his son and constantly berates and belittles him whenever he doesn't get things done and what his father simply cannot understand is how the land developers are still in goero and chalks it up to how useless jeongho is. jiyeon continually bothers the parks and reminds jeongwon that she's still here and jeongho gets yelled at like he's fifteen again and at some point while jiyeon's talking her head off and says something mildly condescending to a "country boy" like him he realises that things would be so much easier if she just... disappeared. anger gets the best of him and you know how the rest of that story goes

anyway yeah jeongho is an absolute asshole sure but he's genuinely not a psychopath so what happened with jiyeon haunts him heaps but he tries his very best to move past it and live life as though she genuinely skipped town but yeah! few years pass and it becomes easier and now we're all caught up!

ok this was so long like you can stop here if you want below is just a bit about his personality / what to expect in interactions with him! also i don't have any plot ideas mostly because it's a skeleton rp and i feel like his relationship with each canon is unique given the political scene and stuff so generic plot ideas are kinda hard but yeah!

ok so personality-wise i would say that given his dad has drilled into him how useless and stupid he is jeongho is very aware that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed so he honestly is willing to hear people out when they talk to him! don't get me wrong he's definitely proud but he's not proud enough to think that he doesn't need anyone's help because he knows all kings have their advisors and he needs them! no shame in the game! ( also to clarify he's not actually stupid he's probably more just the type of person that gets good grades because he works hard and is organised and does all his assignments before it's due and not the type that gets up the day of the assignment due date and does it within an hour and gets a high distinction for it )

his father is also a really grating man to everyone else because he is smart so he thinks he doesn't need anyone cause everyone's suggestions are always dumb compared to him and his father often burns bridges but! because jeongho is aware of his weaknesses he is not that type of person so while he may feel a certain way about you he definitely is the sort to put on a polite enough facade! one thing he tends to do is the compliment sandwich where he can say something insulting in a not-totally-aggressive way and with a smile then sandwich it between normal conversation to make you think wait... did he just insult me or did i hallucinate it? maybe he just doesn't realise how he's coming across because of his upbringing? yeah

also to tack onto all this he is a very efficient guy and a proud workaholic ( also thanks to his ocpd ) so you'll see in interactions with him that he tends to move rather fast and speak rather direct and just operates at practically 2x speed! very much a say something useful or don't say anything at all type of person and he can be rather dismissive if he feels the conversation is not going to be fruitful within the first few sentences

also re: his ocpd things have to exist in a certain order and he expects a level of perfectionism always and there's a certain set of rules that you may need to learn especially if you're interacting with him frequently ( applies more to people who live and work with him )

all of this is about work but of course jeongho does lighten up from time to time! he has a group of friends who honestly it's questionable if they like him or his status but i imagine jeongho's life is something like the truman show where you have so much power that people are often pandering to you and you just think everyone is like that cause you're great when in reality they want something from you! but point is he does hang out and drink and fuck a lot and he's uhm certainly not loyal to his wife so there's that! will say though that he is very picky about the company he keeps and the people who know the "real" him

#𝐢𝐯. OUT OF CHARACTER.#eldrtch:int

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neurogenic-culture · 21 days

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hihi, welcome to neurogenic-culture!!

this blog is your standard culture-is blogs, but for neurogenic systems (and any others that fall under that umbrella, such as adhdgenic, autigenic, etc).

submissions should start with "Neurogenic culture is" or variations. yes, we are fine with those who use -dawn or -orma terms interacting too.

basic dni criteria, please! we welcome all types of systems here (obviously). we do not believe in any kind of "pd abuse." we are neutral on shipcourse, and could care less about radqueer debates. we're also accepting of poc and bipoc, mentally ill, aros and aces, neopronouns, xenogenders, all mspec labels, 'contradictory' labels, therians/otherkin/alterhumans, and self diagnosis.

hate will be deleted. please don't make me get the scary dog (Isabela) in here.

about the admin(s)!

currently, this blog only has one admin and probably will stay this way for a while. this blog is owned by the Lux Draconia Collective, but mainly run by Dolores (that's me writing btw!). we're a protogenic sys with many fixatives (fictives formed from hyperfixations). it/they collectively! if you know our main sys blog, please don't mention it on here. /srs

tagging system!

#neurogenic culture is - is, obviously, culture is submissions!

#not neurogenic culture - other, non-culture related submissions!

#scary dog posting - the tag for isabela so she can fuck with dni breakers/haters

#adhd neuro culture - submissions relating to adhd, hyperfixations, etc

#asd neuro culture - submissions relating to asd, spins, etc

#pd neuro culture - submissions relating to pds

#ed neuro culture - submissions relating to eds

#md neuro culture - submissions relating to mood disorders

#schizospec neuro culture - submissions relating to the schizophrenia spectrum, including psychosis

#anx neuro culture - submissions relating to anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias, etc

#addic neuro culture - submissions relating to addictions

#obs-com neuro culture - submissions relating to ocd, ocpd, bfrb, intrusive thoughts, etc

#neurotraumagen culture - submissions relating to being both neurogenic and traumagenic

may add more later i am. eepy!

promo ments!

(/nf at all!) @plural-culture-is @fictive-culture @factive-culture-is (i,,, dont know many plural culture related blogs. whoops.)

#culture is #culture is blog #x culture is #neurogenic #neurogenic culture is #pro endo #endo safe

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alostlittleriverlotus · 7 months

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im angry. I'm purely angry. My mom is finally listening about doctor stuff and why I hate doctors so much and instantly she turns my goal of my health into being able to sleep at a "normal" time (waking up in the morning and being awake through the day) and being able to go for walks, be active, and go outside. And I fucking hate it.

★(small sa mention, one line of it. suicidal thoughts and self harm mentions.)★

I don't care if I can never walk normally again. If I will always need mobility aids or only be able to walk/stand for short periods. Yes, I enjoy a ton of exercise and dancing with my whole body and having an active life, but if I never can again, I have accepted that.

I don't care about going outside. That is agoraphobia, fear of people, and extreme paranoia and delusions wrapped into one. I feel constantly watched, unable to be outside of the car or the house without extreme anxiety, fear, and having to talk myself through it when I had to go collect the main. I am okay with not being able to go outside. I still would love to go and sit out back, but my parents bought chairs that I can't sit in which is why I haven't sat out back since we were at our last place and first moved in, a fucking year ago. There's physical issues to it too, but it is mostly mental stuff that I'm fine living with.

I don't care about a "normal" sleep schedule. As long as I can get 6-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm fine and functional. I have pain, I have untreated ADHD, I have bad mental problems, I have delusions, I have flashbacks, I have breakdowns, I have paranoia, I was fucking assaulted in my sleep, I may have sleep apnea. We can fix as much as we possibly can, but I am entirely fine if my sleep schedule will never be routine. Oh yeah, plus my period messes up my sleep schedule too.

I don't care about being the most perfectly healthy active person. I don't care if I'm unable to do things that I could before. If I'm fat the rest of my life, that's fucking fine with me. I refuse to go back to obsessively needing to control my health because of a mix of ocd and ocpd and npd that results in an obsessive need to be perfectly healthy at all times. I am not going back to that cycle. My mental health is too fragile and so long as the mental health system and psychiatry system is broken in America, I do not give a fucking shit. I cope well, I am happy where I am, I am content. All I want is the constant pain to end, to be able to have relief and supports. I got ankle supports and cried over how long I have fucking suffered with joints that feel like 3D Mario game ice physics. I cried about how much I was actually at a disadvantage without knowing it while pushing myself to be "normal" and as good as others because I believed I was just not pushing through it like everyone else.

I do not care about living a happy "normal" life. Even if all of my physical issues could magically be fixed (they can't, I'm fairly certain I will always have these issues), I have severe mental problems that will never fucking change. From who I am and how my autism is to the severe trauma and personality disorders I have. AND THE FACT MY MENTAL ISSUES CAUSE ME PHYSICAL PAIN, FATIGUE, AND MINOR SICKNESS INCLUDING PHANTOM FEVERS!!!!!

But I accept that my pain may be something I live with. All I want is to receive actual help for it instead of constantly worsening it by having 0 support. A shower seat, movable shower head, mobility aids, actual fucking accommodations. My goal is to never be perfect abled and neurotypical or to function as such. My goal is never to be as perfectly healthy as I can be. Because with who I am, that will just worsen me to try to achieve that. And that's fucking okay. I am allowed to be unhealthy.

As long as I am not suffering every second of the day and considering death to be better yet unable to go through with it because I don't want to die while my parents are a part of my life then I am fine. I am happy. Even in bad pain days, the feeling of caring for myself and having things to rely on to relieve the pain makes me feel good about myself. I have lived without those for so long. This is all I desire. To relieve as much of the pain as I can so I can feel alive.

But I am aware I may be fat the rest of my life. I could also lose weight, I've fluctuated weight most of my life. I am fine having mobility issues and requiring help for those for the rest of my life. I do not care to be perfectly abled, I just don't want to suffer every single day with 0 help or accommodations while being blamed for it all as if it's a fucking moral failing and to be able to actually understand what the fuck is going on with my body. I'm fine if I'm unhealthy the rest of my life. I just don't want to have to cry over how sick I feel or how bad the pain is and consider death a better option because I have no help and have felt like I'm losing a race my entire life because no one else seemed to be suffering. That's all I fucking want.

I'm sick of my parents' dumbass health shit. I'm sick of them being fatphobic while they're extremely healthy and I'm fat and neglected and struggled so much more than they have because they will do anything for their own health, but won't do shit for me when they're the ones that I have to rely on. I'm sick of my mother pushing these "normal" goals because she wants me to be functional. Fuck. That. Bullshit.

I want help for my pain. I want to be diagnosed and get the help I can. I want accommodations and supports and mobility aids so I can experience as little pain as possible. It's so bad nearly every day. And wearing those ankle supports only made it all the more real that Yes, I Am Fucking Suffering!!! And yes, I need help. And I'm tired of being hyper independent and being neglected and being ignored while I see my parents handle every tiny thing wrong with their bodies when I've lived with this shit my entire life. It hurts. It hurts so much. And I hate that even with them FINALLY trying to find me doctors and get help, they still push fatphobia and healthy bullshit onto me. As if I need to be the optimal health. I don't know if it's possible and I'm not sinking back into the obsessive tendencies I've had since I was young. I was miserable and hated myself, blamed myself for everything. I will NOT go back to that.

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bandofchimeras · 1 year

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fuck it

i'm following a bunch of PDA blogs or blogs with people who have posts in the PDA autism tag. if that's you, hi! we can chat if you'd like, there isn't much of a community around this diagnosis (for kind of obvious reasons)

i'm tired of feeling so much shame and self-hatred around my disability and its effects, i am tired of masking and pretending to understand and engage with media/interests the same way as non-PDA people do, and i am tired of trying not to talk about the struggles of everyday life out of worry that it will drive people away

deciding to accept this part of myself for real is fucking scary and irritating. PDA is highly debilitating, although there are tricks and ways around our blockages.

i don't see many PDA people who are successful in a traditional sense. embracing this label in some ways feeling like giving up on all my dreams. but maybe that's okay - all those dreams and expectations were empty demands anyways. built for someone who isn't Me.

getting to the business of living in this body, this mind, and this Self is the only thing i really CAN do anyhow. with plenty of griping of course. as i find tips and tricks to navigate life with whatever-the-fuck-all is going on up there (I am stuck in the mire of navigating health systems to get an official diagnosis of ANY kind, but my suspicion is AuDHD, OCD/OCPD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, anxiety and BPD or cPTSD, possibly schizoaffective) I will share those out. Most of my real life friends, which are few, are schizoaffective, bipolar, autistic and/or ADHD! not just from TikTok lol. as it is, i don't want to be totally defined by my disorders, but they are a huge part of why my life is the way it is (a disaster with glitter and lots of detritus from unstarted hobbies). I am determined to be more confident and start building on my strengths and skills instead of trying to be something i am not anymore.

welcome :)

#pda #pathological demand avoidance #autism #pda autism #autism acceptance #orchid talks

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lockyle-and-skull · 2 months

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What up, I'm Mae, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read

personal/kpop blog: @maepersonal

*all likes and follows will come from this account, even if we interact there*

about me: name: Mae or Ames age: 19 pronouns: ae/aer, it/its, she/her queer?: aroace + agender :3 why am I like this™?: autism, ocpd, bpd, ocd, bipolar disorder, adhd, anxiety, depression, alexithymia, aphantasia, dyspraxia, occasionally nonverbal & semiverbal, pots, tic disorder, sometimes agere (9-13ish) MBTI: ISTP :) aesthetic: here! :D element: water (duh) hogwarts house: slytherin ;) favorite colors: blue, green, purple nationality: american (canadian + german parents) shit I like: tv shows: Lockwood and Co, Julie and the Phantoms, Haikyuu, The 100 games: Palworld, The Enchanted Cave 2, BATIM, YTTD, Children of Silentown, The Mortuary Assistant, Little Witch in the Woods, Until Dawn, The Quarry, H:SR, Genshin, definitely more stuff I'm forgetting movies: Star Wars prequels, The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, Velvet Goldmine, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Narnia, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets musicals: Sweeney Todd (1982), Newsies, Ride the Cyclone, Six, Bat out of Hell, everything Starkid (but especially Starship, Black Friday, and Trail to Oregon) music: hardcore punk, punk, hard rock, symphonic metal, alt rock, nu metal, power metal, glam rock, hyperpop, Elliot Lee, Andrew Polec, Meat Loaf, Sick Puppies, In This Moment, Black Market Kidney Surgeons, Anti Flag (fuck justin sane), Iggy Pop, Car Seat Headrest kpop: Lunarsolar, Xdinary Heroes, Ateez, Yena, Bibi, others more casually other stuff: wet specimen taxidermy, punk diy, collecting weird shit, tornadoes, alchemy, statistics, photography, The Council <3, insects, being a non-theistic satanist (inspired by LaVeyan satanism), being punk, being an anarcho-communist tech support: op tag: #lockyle and skull op pfp: by @boyteal (used to be kkatsudon) header: by Philipp Grote not safe for littles tag: #nsfl - BLOCK IF NEEDED

no DNI, just don't be a dick

*all agere, bpd, bipolar, irl, and kpop content is on my other blog!!*

#lockyle and skull op

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maepersonal · 2 months

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What up, I'm Mae, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read

main blog: @lockyle-and-skull

*all likes and follows will appear to come from there, even if we interact here*

about me: name: Mae or Ames age: 19 pronouns: ae/aer, it/its, she/her queer?: aroace + agender :3 why am I like this™?: autism, ocpd, bpd, ocd, bipolar disorder, adhd, anxiety, depression, alexithymia, aphantasia, dyspraxia, sometimes nonverbal & semiverbal, pots, tic disorder, sometimes agere (9-13ish) MBTI: ISTP :) aesthetic: here! :D element: water (duh) hogwarts house: slytherin ;) favorite colors: blue, green, purple nationality: american (canadian + german parents) shit I like: kpop: Lunarsolar, Xdinary Heroes, Ateez, Yena, Bibi, others more casually music: hardcore punk, punk, hard rock, symphonic metal, alt rock, nu metal, power metal, glam rock, hyperpop, Elliot Lee, Andrew Polec, Meat Loaf, Sick Puppies, In This Moment, Black Market Kidney Surgeons, Anti Flag (fuck justin sane), Iggy Pop, Car Seat Headrest musicals: Sweeney Todd (1982), Newsies, Ride the Cyclone, Six, Bat Out of Hell, everything Starkid (but especially Starship, Black Friday, and Trail to Oregon) movies: The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, Velvet Goldmine, Star Wars prequels, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Narnia, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets tv shows: Lockwood and Co, Julie and the Phantoms, Haikyuu, The 100 games: Palworld, The Enchanted Cave 2, BATIM, YTTD, Children of Silentown, The Mortuary Assistant, Little Witch in the Woods, Until Dawn, The Quarry, H:SR, Genshin, definitely more stuff I'm forgetting other stuff: wet specimen taxidermy, punk diy, collecting weird shit, tornadoes, alchemy, statistics, photography, The Council <3, insects, being a non-theistic satanist (inspired by LaVeyan satanism), being punk, being an anarcho-communist tech support: op tag: #oh mae oh my pfp: Bronté Barbé as Katherine in Newsies UK header: MUU (ex-LUNARSOLAR) - Shooting Star MV not safe for littles tag: #nsfl - BLOCK IF NEEDED

let me know if you want anything tagged differently!!

FAQ:

why are u reblogging/interacting with therian/DID content? because I am very close with a system that has therians and non-human alters :)

what do you use this blog for? this blog is mostly for irl, kpop, bpd, bipolar, agere, vents, and anything else I feel like doesn't fit on my main :)

no DNI, just don't be a dick.

#accidentally deleted it so here it is again ig #oh mae oh my

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bonsaiturt47 · 2 years

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I know a few people have taken a crack at the whole Zodiac thing, so I thought I’d give it a try! I can feel these Zodiac signs fit the turtles very well 😏

I going into detail with these lovable turts 😩💙❤️💜🧡

Of course because of how detailed I went into this, I have to do one turtle at a time.

For now I will go into their personality and then do a whole different section pertaining to their kinks and how they would be under the steamy sheets.

SOOOOOO…..Let’s get to it!! EXTREMELY LENGTHY I AM SOOOO SORRY. This could help write stories too :)

Tumblr media

Leonardo !

Our amazing hunk leader in Blue.

💙Nicknames:💙

-Leo

-Leon

-Lamenardo (Raph gave him this nickname)

-Lee (Pretty much all of his brothers call him this)

-Fearless (Raph coined this)

-Blue (Also given to Leo by Raph)

-Monk (Raph’s)

-Splinter Junior (Raph’s)

Can you tell Raph loves Leo? LOL

He has been described as:

-Stoic

- Brave 🌟

-Attentive

-Sweet

-Straight forward

-Head strong🌟

-Mother Hen

-Straight Daddy Material 🌟

-Bossy

-Confident 🌟

-Brown Noser (Raph and Mikey’s)

-Splinter’s little Birdie (Raph’s)

-Teacher’s Pet (Raph’s)

- Stubborn (he is really stubborn in his beliefs. Tend to think his opinion is the only one that matters. Again, he’s still a teenager and is still learning.)

-Determined

-Protective 🌟

-Listener

-Competitive

-Obsessive

-Controlling

-Insecure *surprise* *surprise* (he’s a teenager and not quite sure who he is. Still figuring it out.)

💙ZODIAC SIGN:💙

Sun sign ARIES with the moon sign Capricorn.

Now I know what you guys are thinking…..wtf?? Isn’t that Raph??? I’m gonna say -NO.-

N.O. NOOOOOOOOO.

💙Here are my reasons 💙

💠 These two signs combined create a perfect balance. And Leo is literally PERFECTION in the flesh. I’m not being biased here. I do love my turtles, but he was made to embody Ying and Yang.

💠Gracious but strong, this turtle will not have anything or anyone stand in the way of his plans and goals.

💠Highly Competitive

💠He struggles internally because he bottles everything up/ self-contain, but at the same time tries to be creative 🥺

💠PLANS AHEAD because this gives his mind some peace when he knows he’s got it figured out and he knows what he has to do.

💠Practical

💠Insecure….now I know you guys might not see this, but I do. Some of the things he’s done or does screams insecurity. Sometimes that’s not a bad thing. It’s apart of growing up and he’s a teenager for Christ sakes!

💠Obsessive….now this comes from the cannon that Leo has OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) This is nothing to make fun of and it’s a very serious mental illness. Me personally, I believe he has OCPD instead of OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.)

💠He would love too meet someone who is just as dedicated and believes in commitment

💠ASSERTIVE AS FUCK

💠Hard Worker and will work harder for family and people that mean so much to him.

💠He is impactful. Trust me you will not forget him.

💠Perceptive. He will be able to handle different people in different situations.

💠He knows when to be soft and when to use a little bit more force.

💠He will treat the people he loves with respect. Respect is huge for this guy!

💠He is really sweet on the inside and gracious, but very strong and very determined on the outside.

💠He wants his ideas and opinions to be of use, not just to be launched in thin air.

💠An Opportunist!

💠He will recognize a trouble maker and problems from afar!

💠As Aries you would think he’s impatient, but he isn’t like other Aries. He has Capricorn on his side which graces him with patience.

💠He would be very career oriented

🐢I will be doing a relationship one soon and a more 18+ rated one for Leonardo soon! 🐢

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absintheanflare · 1 year

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once again i am fucking begging people to stop lumping ocpd with ocd, or acting like they're interchangeable. i know theyre named similarly but they are not the same thing.

#selfpost #just kidding ive never posted about this before but point stands #if i see another fucking post talking about mental health and they go 'ocd/ocpd' like those are interchangeable #THEY ARENT. THEY ARENT. THEY REALLY ARENT.#i know people are trying to be supportive but for the love of Fuck do Not mix this up

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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Ughhhh. So this whole transitory period has us with a very loose schedule and very low "solid" time markers to ground us in the space time continuum - which isn't BAD necessarily, cause we are actually feeling overall pretty decent, dysphoria aside, but literally just here with REALLY heavy de-realization and sense of time is like, non-existent. It's something that doesn't distress us that much cause we got used to it over the years and it's nothing more than a feeling and I trust that we are doing the right shit cause I'm just following the plan from before but god the lack of a clear time frame and all fucks with the OCD, the OCPD, the trauma brain, and the autistic brain and I'm almost literally wanting a job SOLELY for someone to give our week schedule some structure - not for money, not for experience - mainly just for some structure XD Like that'll definitely 180 but Im just like "dude literally give me any job I just want something to do to build my day around" and its also resulted in XIV being like "yeah but don't start falling for capitalism slave jobs either you dumb bitch" and I'm just like UGH BUT THIS IS MISERABLE

... for the record I've been on break for *checks notes* two days and *checks notes* have had interviews every day.

I'm also 95% sure this is such a dissociative period for me also cause I'm in that awkward phase of fusion with Data / Riku TM where you are both, aren't both, and are getting used to whatever new version this is and like... both Data and Riku TM were HORRIBLE with work-life balances in separate ways.

I'm like "Hey XIV Imma go subject myself to capitalistic self torture like I was made and trained to do ✨ //^w^// ✨" and then his commie ass looks at me like "-_- Bro I get which parts you are now but cease we're commies stop it get some help" and Im like "whaaaaat?????? I am not- OH SHIT YOU RIGHT"

Like fuck man its so fucking hard to unlearn and deprogram this shit. Like really glad I have Mr. Johnny Silverhand who Doesn't Shut Up About Captialism Being Shit over there to call me out whenever Im about to do learned trauma-behaviors but man.

*shakes the world* GIVE ME WORK PAY ME NOTHING ITS FINE JUST GIVE ME WORK REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - //gets shot by XIV for being a capitalist tool//

-Riku

#alter: riku #capitalism tw #shitpost #fusion talk #fusion #dissociation #playful vent #im managing well enough #dissociation is just fuckin annoying #alter: data #alter: xiv #alter: riku 3.0 #alter: data riku

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ciaossu-imagines · 10 months

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3, 6, 9, 12, 13, and 22 for the Admin?

Aww, I’m so happy and flattered someone wanted to ask about me! I honestly figured I’d get hits for the canon characters off of some of those questions, but this is a really pleasant and lovely surprise so thank you, anon dear!

3. What irritates the mun?

Honestly, there is a lot that does irritate me. I’ve gotten a lot better and a lot more tolerant as I age but I still have the little things that drive me up the wall, mostly due to mental health issues (for example, certain sounds can just about trigger panic attacks in me, such as really moist or wet sounds associated with eating or swallowing and anything that triggers my OCPD). For little, silly little pet peeves though, people who cross the street where there’s not a crosswalk, all willy-nilly and expecting vehicles to just stop for them, when there’s a designated crosswalk, with flashing lights and such, not even ten feet away. I don’t drive but it still bothers the fuck out of me because it seems very inconsiderate and selfish.

6. Does the mun have a habit that’s annoying?

Again, as I mention above, I have OCPD (much like OCD, just with different compulsions and obsessions). I have been told it makes me incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to both live with or be around for a long time because my compulsions and obsessions, while I’m in therapy to help manage them, do mean that I have to do things certain ways and have things certain ways. I also can’t do spontaneity. I have to know what each day is going to bring so I can schedule my day in my head ahead of time and have time to come up with schedules, routines, a back-up plan for if A, B, or C occurs, and then back-up plans for that back-up plans for absolute worse case scenarios that could potentially occur for that day. I need to know what my day is bringing my way and it means surprises…no. Spontaneity? No. It’s aggravating to everyone else in my life, to say the least.

9. What’s the mun’s favourite thing to drink?

It's definitely coffee. I have a pretty severe caffeine addiction and go between energy drinks (grape Rockstars because they're cheap and I'm a sucker for anything grape flavoured) and coffee. I've been told I need to drink more water and I am trying but water is unappetizing, not going to lie!

12. Does the mun like talking to people? Or are they shy?

This is actually kind of a tricky one, not going to lie. I will say that virtually, digitally, I am more open and sociable. There's a comfort in virtual interactions, where I have the time to think on my words and what I want to say, where I can take the time to reply and don't need to worry about people's judgments based on my physical looks or mannerisms. In person is different. I wouldn't describe myself as shy, though others do often. I would classify myself as more reserved and honestly, extremely wary of other people. I need time to get to know people - I'm fine to talk to anyone who wants to start a conversation with me but it's all going to be surface level and done with my retail face on. I'll take an interest in them and can happily listen to others talk about themselves but they get nothing more personal about me than my name. I need time and repeated exposure to people before I 'learn them' enough to feel comfortable having them in my life at all and even then, how much of my authentic self someone sees is very, very much dependent on what I've observed and picked up about them. There are people at work who I've been working with for months who I know a lot about and who call me a great work friend...they still know nothing more than my name because there's things that make me distrust these people or that allow me to know that if I was open about this or that part of my life, that it would only create conflict. I also don't actively tend to seek out new relationships in person but it largely boils down to past trauma and my mind automatically going 'yeah, that person seems cool, but the question you need to ask yourself is how can, and will, they hurt you?' So yeah, tl;dr: Not shy, just a fucked up human being.

13. Does the mun believe in the supernatural/paranormal?

Yes and no. I do believe in the supernatural and paranormal but I'm a skeptic at heart. I have experienced ghosts, but I usually assume most famous hauntings are faked for publicity and attention unless proof exists otherwise. I read my own tarot cards every morning and believe the cards can bestow accurate insight and information. But having read tarot for extra money in the past, I can tell you that a lot of tarot readers are fakes, using combinations of cold and hot reading like many of the celebrity psychics and mediums do. Hell, I'll admit to doing it too. Because when people go to get their tarot read, they want entertainment and they want to believe in positive things coming to them. They don't want accurate readings, especially if the cards spell out periods of hardship. I believe in aliens, because believing we're the only intelligent life anywhere is prideful to the point of delusion but I don't believe there's ever been a real UFO sighting. We haven't evolved in our knowledge enough to visit far distant planets so my assumption is that, to an alien race who has evolved that far, we likely look like savages to them and assuming they'd want to come study us seems bizarrely like prideful hubris to me.

22. Does the mun like to play games?

I do actually! I don't play as many video games as I used to, mostly visual novels and otome games now. That being said, I used to play DnD a lot during my high school years and I still love it, though I haven't really played in a while. I love other roleplaying games like it too. For anyone intrigued by the idea but too intimidated by all the classifications and stats and bits and bobs that go into tabletop RPG's like DnD, Grant Howitt makes some amazing and easy RPG's over here! I also love playing card games of all sorts, but will say that I'm a beast at Gin Rummy and lousy at Poker. Board games are fun every now and again, but I have to be in the right mood and it absolutely CANNOT be Monopoly. I fucking hate Monopoly with every fiber of my being.

#replies #admin chatter #about the admin

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alostlittleriverlotus · 2 months

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the pure fucking hell of having NPD and OCPD. Like. Yes. Perfectionism means love and lack of working or perfecting your work means you are opening yourself up to hatred, isolation, and everything you fear.

I'm so bad at explaining it. But like. I sit here. And deal with perfectionism from two separate disorders. That makes something as simple as playing RELAXING VIDEO GAMES stressful as fuck. Animal Crossing, Ooblets, Stardew Valley? No. If everything isn't perfect and I do my absolute best, I am a failure and will lose fucking everything within my grasp.

I'm still learning about my OCPD and how it affects me since it mingles with my narcissism a lot, but oh my god, it is so fucking obvious whenever I play literally ANY fucking video game. The relaxing cozy ones are obvious, but it's in RPGs and any "quest-based" games as well. Minutes feel too fast and ADHD and dissociation only worsens it. Plus my mind is crowded and busy.

So basically even my comfort games are exceptionally stressful for me and it's exhausting. And I'm REALLY trying to unlearn that. It just gets hard when I need to buy EVERYTHING, but can't earn enough money in the limited in game day or end up getting distracted and forgetting cause I have to do another task that I think of as I pass by it. I really have to teach myself to fucking enjoy relaxing down time. When all I have is down time cause I'm fucking disabled and isolated as fuck. Not to mention if OCD gets in the way especially with the little rituals I have to do or else shit gets bad which only wastes more seconds.

Narcissism + OCPD is a hellish combination. Perfectionism in either on their own is already hell. Group them together and it's suffering. Fucking hell.

As I unpack my OCPD and begin to explore disorders one by one, I focus on one trait that affects me at the time. And right now? It's the work obsessions/keeping busy and the perfectionism of OCPD. Especially since I'm disabled and unable to do physical work (cleaning, unpacking, an actual job, anything like that) or any other productive activity (drawing or writing) so I often turn to video games for a sense of productivity and it can be exceptionally relaxing. But I so often slip into that "maximize everything" mode. I know other people tend to do that too especially with like Stardew Valley, but like...having PDs with it is just hellish. Cause it's so natural to you and now without some other outlet for this such as school or work or even cleaning or writing, you turn to your comforts. And it eats away at you. I've just been experiencing it a lot lately and it's made it really difficult to play games especially since I never know what to play and feel like I'm missing a lot of stuff and it just sits with me as this huge discomforting, unsafe feeling. And it's so fucking distinct. And then with perfectionism being tied to my self worth with narcissism, that means if I'm not doing stuff, I cannot be loved and it worsens my mental state and self esteem. Plus the whole societal push of this shit doesn't help. I'm usually pretty good at undoing the ableist shit of "You have to work to be useful or else youre lazy" since I focus a lot on self care with my deteriorating physical state. But dude. Sometimes it gets to me. Like I cannot be mentally stable. There is so much fucking trauma packed into this bad boy. So many issues and so many disorder experiences that wax and wane cause of symptom holding alters or specific triggers for them to pop out.

Hell. Life is hell. And this is the recent mentally ill thing getting to me lately.

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