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thebibliosphere · 2 years

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"But you're so successful without it."

Content warning: This post contains mentions of suicidal ideation.

I got a message earlier tonight that I'm not going to post, but I did ask the person involved if I could talk about what we subsequently ended up talking about in DMs because I feel it's important.

Basically, it was along the lines of "My kid got diagnosed with ADHD and really wants to try meds. I know from reading your blog that correct treatment for ADHD can be really beneficial, but I just don't think she's severe enough to need them."

The message then went on to ask me, as someone who is unmedicated with ADHD, for some tricks and tips on how to be successful without medication because clearly, look how well I'm doing without them. I mean, look at my blog, look at my book(s)! Surely if I can do all that without ADHD meds, other people can too. Surely there's a trick. A skill. Something you can learn if you just try hard enough...

This is not the first time I have received a message like this. In fact, I probably get about 2-5 messages like this a week.

Usually from other people who also have ADHD/suspect ADHD but don't want medication because they don't think they need it/don't want to need it, and yet can't figure out why they're struggling so much, and ask me how do I do the thing(s) and cope so well and get so much done, etc., etc.

So I'm going to tell you what I told this person tonight in case it helps someone. Yes, I have ADHD. No, I am not medicated due to severe health complications, and yes, I get a lot done. From the outside, I am sure it looks incredibly productive and successful. But I'm going to let you in on what that success feels like.

It feels like dying.

It feels like my brain is on fire; every nerve in my body scraped raw; every part of me wired and exposed to the noise of the world. There is no quiet; there is no calm. And even when my brain does fall silent, it's another kind of death. The inside of my head is sludge, flowing uphill like treacle, weighing me down, pulling me under in the riptide of my inability to focus. I can see what needs to be done, I can see it so clearly, yet sometimes it's like I don't control my own body. Not enough dopamine. Not enough brain chemicals for the message I'm screaming in my head to make my limbs do the simplest of tasks. Like, feed myself. Take a shower. Answer that email. Text my friends back. Go to bed when I'm tired. Write a best-selling novel...

A novel that almost killed me and not because of my other ailments, but because of my unmedicated ADHD.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was already operating at critical mass when I went into final rewrites/edits. Every coping mechanism I had fell apart. Like training wheels falling off a tricycle, leaving me to wobble unsteadily until the main wheels fell off, swiftly followed by the handlebars until all that was left was me peddling frantically trying to keep my balance and not getting anywhere. I didn't realize it then, but I was heading towards a complete mental collapse. And even when I dragged myself across the finish line with the above and beyond help provided by my friends and editors, I was so burned out I couldn't enjoy my success. Worse, my success made me suicidal.

It took me until very recently, almost two years later, to be able to read Phangs without feeling suicidal. My brain associated it with the trauma of experiencing complete ADHD burnout but having to complete a monumental task anyway.

I had to go into intensive therapy to recover. I am still in intensive therapy for it.

It took me even longer after that to be able to sit down and write without harming myself. I still struggle with it, and I tell you this in all honest sincerity in the hope it makes you realize what it costs me to be "successful" and unmedicated.

And this wasn't the first time I've had to deal with this, either.

I struggled all through high school, all through college, all through every career job I ever had, knowing there was something wrong, but not quite being able to put my finger on it because hey, I still got stuff done, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Surely everyone went through life feeling this way? Right?

...right?

It wasn't until I got my ADHD diagnosis as an adult that I realized what was happening. Why I struggled so much. Why life was so hard. In many ways, it was like the sun coming up. An internal dawning of realization and acceptance, but also rage.

So much rage.

Rage at how much I'd had to struggle because no one noticed because I was quiet and undisruptive. Rage at a system that forced me to learn in ways that were not intuitive to my brain. To always being told, "doesn't apply herself" while it felt like I was clawing my brain apart trying to do what people wanted from me. To a work-life balance, that rewards all the things that make ADHD actively worse. Rage. So much rage it hurts. And to top it all off, I can't be medicated for it. I finally know what's different, I finally know why my world feels raw and turned inside out, and I can't take any of the medications that might help me.

Do you know how angry I wake up every day that there is a possible solution just within my grasp, but my health conditions prevent me from trying them? Do you know how much it hurts? How much I grieve for the person I could be if I was able to have help beyond therapy and coaching? How much happier I could be...

Not productive. Not successful. Happy.

So ask yourself, what do you want more? A child who has to go through all of this and resents you for prolonging their suffering? Who winds up hating themselves by internalizing the false concept that if they just try hard enough, they can do whatever they set their mind to.

Or do you want to help them?

Or if this is you, why are you afraid to help yourself?

Please, don't use me as an example to harm yourself or others. Yes, I am successful without medication. But the toll is high. Too high.

Rid yourself of the idea that you need to suffer more to be allowed help. You don't. They don't. No one does.

#adhd #adult adhd #actually adhd #chronic health tag #suicide mention #suicidal ideation #long post #mental health #I am not for you to bludgeon other people with #kindly desist

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foxglovepng · 29 days

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TWST Overblot theory

CW: Spoilers book 6-7, this post is really long btw, Spoilers spoilers SPOILERS Spoilers for Malleus's age, grim boss theory.

So while I was going through book 6 (This was like when it came out) Idia made an observation and he theorized someone could be inciting these overblots. I looked over it as to what he said after made sense but I watched a theory from Rose Ember in which she discussed a time loop theory. I wanted to throw in my own two cents about an overblot theory I had been thinking about.

(As of making this post it is May of 2024 I am not up to date on any JP chapters, Crowley's card, or Heartslabyul manga book 4-Octavinelle. All of my sources I will be putting as I am taking direct game quotes)

I also would love it if at least some of you guys read this post and reblog I would love to hear y'all's opinions on this. I never seen people really look into it and I want to maybe bounce ideas off of some people on what's really going on.

Just remember all of this is just a theory...A GAME THEORY (RIP Matpat we love you king)

(Book 6 ch51) Idia was talking about how absurd it is that 5 (5 overblots up to this point) Coincidentally happened in 6 months "Overblots can happen when the caster overuses magic and builds up too much blot while experiencing intense negative motions" "It's a cascading effect that stretches back years." "And the thing that triggers emotional outbursts is the hardest to quantify our innermost feelings, or 'heart', so to speak a persons heart is the one thing we can't control no matter how hard we try." Idia's exact words. Now going with that statement and saying all of the overblots are just merely a "Coincidence" let's examine and analyze the overblots and why they happened.

Riddle

(HIS SAILOR MOON OF AN OVERBLOT TRANSFORMATION IS SO COOL IN THE MANGA.) Riddle's overblot obviously happened because his authority was being challenged as the housewarden from Ace going in a duel against him to everyone else getting fed up with his rules to defying him. Not to mention with the deep severe ties with his mother and her rules he well overblots.

Leona

His overblot happened because of his failed plan to basically kill off Malleus (He really pulled a long live the king here) from my understanding he gave up and the Savanaclaw students were like 'tf why?' he turned into an angry kitty and the feelings of being the second born prince and all that trauma raised up especially when Lilia went off on him (I fully blame Lilia for this). And he overblots.

Azul

His overblot happened from when Leona used his UM on Azul's contracts and blipped them away basically. When this happened he went back to that time when he was being bullied and was no longer powerful like he is now.

Jamil

Jamil's happened because well Azul thought it was cute to live stream his whole plan to the world exposing the fact that Jamil was essentially going to betray Kalim and well his deep-rooted years of being merely a 'servant' came up and he overblotted.

Vil

He overblotted because he basically lost to neige and was attempting to kill him (Almost killed Rook and the others). He accepted he had lost to him and will always lose to him and just snapped.

Malleus

He overblotted because of the announcement Lilia was leaving and retiring to Red Lagoon (Okay just leave your kids...ig?). I also want to say Yuu's announcement added to it because well Malleus is a lonely dragon who just wants friends and someone who is basically his father announced he's leaving and his friend outside of Diasmonia is leaving too.

Idia isn't in this list for a reason will get on with that later.

When it comes to all of these overblots in a certain sense none of them make sense as to HOW they happened. Coincidentally how is it that 7 students overblot in a school year especially with how rare they apparently are supposed to be. With them being 16-18 (Leona being 20 and Malleus being 178) You'd figure the eldest third years know the most to be careful. Plus if the staff is doing their job correctly all the students know to be careful right?

If it happened like once in a year that's understandable but 7 coincidentally? Leona had 4 years to overblot why all of a sudden??

I also want to point out something whenever blot would get built as far as I'm concerned they wouldn't even be using magic (Just having a negative emotion) and blot would built. Going by all the patterns from the overblots they get pissy it builds up they use their UM BOOM overblot. I think someone is personally targeting people to build up negative emotions purposefully and then they use a lot of magic which causes it. Having a UM like this could be entirely possible because look at the facts.

Book 2. It makes sense Ruggie would overblot rather than Leona. He just drank a potion that enhances his UM he was mad struggling he just GOT betrayed by Leona makes sense for him to overblot right? Not to mention during the Camp vargas events Overblotting was such a huge concern with just via their magic so why would the staff risk putting MANY students at risk of an overblot if they knew it wouldn't happen.

I also want to add Idia has a curse which has him burn blot and he was the first in hsi family to break that and overblot. However in order for him to thrive he needs to build it it's most likely being in Tartarus he built too much than he could burn off. (In Ch 6-51 it is also stated curses, and sealed phantoms getting lose can cause overblots as well meaning negative emotions and building power aren't the only causes to an overblot) There is a possibility from being around too many phantoms he built too much, but even then his family curse could have been burning blot during his overblot so Idia was probably never meant to overblot by any normal means (However if his curse wasn't burning off blot foul play could be involved)

Going by these facts the theory in question is a possible UM that affects negative emotions to be built up more and possibly a mood change. OR there is a pause on how blot is released causing it to build up.

(Has it ever been stated on how normal humans release blot if it's been built up...?)

ANOTHER THING. JP SPOILERS BTWWWW.

I cannot confirm my sources with this one so please take this with a grain of salt. I came across a post (I CANT FUCKING FIND IT) in which it translated if Malleus's ob doesn't end he will basically become the no. 1 enemy to society (Basically pulling an Eren jaeger). He's very powerful so you'd assume he's very mindful about overblotting especially if he's going to become the no.1 enemy of humanity.

I have some theories on who could be doing this.

1. Crowley

CROWLEY? Him and my other suspect are battling for first place but let me state my reasoning.

For the exception of Book 3, 4, 5? and 6? he was not present during the overblots and was basically useless. However he was present for book 1, 2, and 7. I put a question mark near 5 and 6 even though he was not present he was still in the general area. Via he was brought to Styx and he was DEFINITELY there at the VDC since it was a school event. book 3 and 4 he was for sure not present for.

We quite literally know nothing about him not to mention he's kind of a jerk face and will do anything to save his ass. For Jamil's and Azul's overblot this goes into hand that he could have activated his UM beforehand on them and the overblot started.

Not to mention during book 5 the headmaster of RSA was like "Bro I sense heavy magic presence" and Crowley was like "Naw you mad tweakin homie."

Two thing

He's Fae.

He has to be as old as Lilia or younger. But he definitely has at least 300 years of existence in his age.

HES A LITERAL HEADMASTER FOR A MAGIC SCHOOL

Meaning he DEFINITELY can sense magic so for him to blatantly ignore the blot sense with Vil either he was protecting his ass from losing his job or he is hiding something. Especially since it was an overblot If Malleus's magic was that good Crowley would have either sensed Vil's overblot or Malleus's Magic.

(If I'm correct an anonymous tip was sent in to Styx to check out NRC the anon in question was possibly RSA headmaster as it makes sense)

2. Ortho

Stay with me here

Ortho is from Styx and obviously Styx investigates overblots what if styx itself is causing overblots so they can study them and they are using Ortho.

Since Idia was theorizing about the Obs there is a possibility that he is not in the plan and it's Ortho plus his family and styx staff that's all in the plan.

(They could have gone too far with Malleus's)

It's merely a theory and I have no evidence to back this up

3. Grim

Quoting Idia's exact words ahem..

"He is seriously mediocre in every single way." "The preliminary report of him being a dire beast with high cost of blot density checks out, though." "He's a magical fusion of a direbeast, and some kind of animal." "He's as lackluster with magic as he looks...and his blot density COULD be phenomenally high."

Ahem okay.

So as we know Grim is a fusion with what could be a Direbeast and possibly a cat. Going back to exhibit A in which Idia said loose phantoms could cause an overblot he could be affecting the blot levels around him Yuu being the only one not affected since Yuu isn't from said world.

Some Cons tho

Using this logic Ace would overblot as well same as Deuce hence why I think he is the least likeliest but it does make sense as eventually Grim does interact with the overblot squad.

4. Yuu

STAY WITH ME STAY WITH ME OKAY

Yuu comes from different world and are trying to actively escape using their new plan MICKEY. However it doesn't exactly explain how Yuu got there since well 1 they are from a different world how would a horse basically cross the multiverse (Unless the Magic mirror is scheming against Crowley and needs Yuu's help that's a different conversation) we know jack shit about Yuu. HOWEVER Yuu could be subconsciously activating overblots since they are prom a foreign world (I'm basically thinking of that one mickey game with the ink brushes EPIC MICKEY) except Yuu causes them.

Cons tho.

As per the manga every Yuu is different every chapter and this would highly contradict (Also how tf are there multiple Yuu's?) not to mention Ace and Deuce would also OB.

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raayllum · 2 years

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Was thinking about the Gifts scene because it was one of my favourites and has made me cry every time, thus far, and something that stuck out to me the first time has now collected more thoughts, in terms of parallels and parental relationships.

Ezran and Rayla both sacrifice something in remembrance to their fathers. For Ezran, it’s the symbol of him finding a way to both honour his father’s memory and take a better path than he did. The way they worked his short story and musings over his father’s sword directly into the show was delightful and heartfelt. Ezran acknowledges that the crown isn’t made of precious metals or bearing special jewels, but it carries an emotional weight and shows his humility and his own strength as a king. It says just as much about Ezran as it does about Harrow, if not arguably more.

Then you have Rayla stepping up first (was anyone else relieved she wasn’t offering herself up to be eaten?) and arguably with the biggest sacrifice. As she says, these blades are all she has to remember Ethari and Runaan, two of her parents, by. Unlike Ezran, who shares in his grief with Callum and the rest of the council about Harrow, there is no one left who remembers Ethari and Runaan the way she does and did. There are no more family heirlooms waiting for her. She can’t even truly go back to where they raised her.

Ezran gives up something he had crafted in Harrow’s memory, and Rayla gives up the one and final gift her fathers gave to her, her most constant companions in the two years she was gone, and her last line of defense.

Then you have Callum, who offers up Ibis’ staff. Now, Callum’s statement here is still meaningful. The staff here has been incredibly helpful, he’s presumably seen Ibis more than a few times over the past few years with Ezran and Zym assumedly visiting regularly, Ibis taught him the spell he uses the most this season and the one that let him save Rayla. But it’s hardly a parent-child bond or even a mentor-mentee bond.

So what does Callum have from a parent? Well... the Key of Aaravos, really. He has his sketchbook, which is full of spells Rex Igneous would never be interested in (it’s not even his primal) and he has this magical, mystical key that unlocks something of great power. And I want to write a bigger post about how I think it relates to his identity and sense of self worth as a mage as well, but I do think given we see Callum lighting a candle for Harrow and that it’s attached to Harrow’s letter as it is, as well as some things Callum’s VA, Jack De Sena has said, in addition to this panel from TTM:

J: [Regarding trauma and growing up] I think that’s part of, just to speak to like, right, season four stuff, that’s part of the I think some of the anger he holds about Rayla leaving is that like, “we went through all this really intense stuff together and that—like, I’m cut off from that, in some ways.” T: Yeah. J: This—this person who you shared that with is gone, and—

Through The Moon makes it clear that Callum hasn’t moved on from grieving Harrow, if indeed you can ever quite let a grief like that go in the first place. We know from 4x03 that Ezran likewise still feels hurt, pain, and anger regarding the death of their parents, but he also had Callum to mourn with, other people to remember with, and Zym most of all as a silver lining.

We know from 4x01 he’s been quietly but actively grieving Rayla for a while now, too, and then she shows up. It’s clear that Callum has emotionally closed himself off in her absence and in her return (seriously, did anyone ever have to prompt him into talking in s1-s3?) which makes sense, since over the course of their journey she became his main confidant and peer. But, as Jack de Sena noted, he was cut off from that. His grieving stagnated in more ways than one because he couldn’t precisely move on, even before she left, never mind after.

Now he’s a loose end, frayed and jagged, still grieving in multiple ways. And with the coins now in Rayla’s possession, S5 may force him to confront just how not okay with Harrow’s death he still is in some ways, now that freeing his father’s killer is something he’ll both want and loathe to help with, in addition to being further entrenched in Aaravos’ schemes.

What will Callum hold onto, and what will he let go of?

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thelikesoffinn · 6 months

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hello - hope you're doing great! I love your analysis, and I wanted to ask about something I've been thinking fanfic wise but also applicable to real life (I think).

So Astarion gets paired a lot with Tavs who also have tragic past experiences (hard to be at his level of tragedy, but some get close). Which is all well and good, cause I see how writing these characters and reading about them is cathartic to many, but I also see plot-wise, it makes it "easier" for him to connect with Tav in a way, kindred souls and all that.

My Tav's background is one of someone who either had a fairly good and regular life, and, if trauma occured, it's been healthily overcome. So at the beginning of the BG3 story she's actually at the end of her own initial "character" arc.

Now my issue is, can Astarion connect with someone who has no idea at all of what he went through? My idea is that's he'd infantilize her, or openly antagonise her (in his charming way) because she's got no right to understand (especially with how he thinks it's fine to be racist and hurt the weak in the first act).

And she'd be understanding and wanting to help and all, but how can people with no/little traumatic experiences connect with those who went through hell, even with the best intentions? It's a dynamic I'd like to explore, because I've seen it played in real life a few times.

Sorry for the poem!

Hello, flower! Thank you so much, I'm glad that you enjoyed the analysis ❤️

As for your question: Eh, I do see why that dynamic is a rather difficult one. People who've survived through a lot of traumata tend to be somewhat hesitant and guarded in front of those who had normal lives at the best of times, and we all know that Astarion rarely has a "best of times", especially early in the game.

Infantilising them is something I definitely see with him. He's the type to do that with anyone anyway, but especially so with those he considers "sheltered". And sheltered is likely something he inevitably will consider Tav, as that is often the case with those who experienced trauma.

Trauma tends to age and harden you, in a way, so oftentimes people who simply grew up normally, with normal ups and downs, are viewed as "sheltered" or "spoiled" by those who didn't, even if that wasn't necessarily the case. That label isn't used or assigned maliciously, and it's simply based on the fact that other people's "normal" seems like the very best to someone who had it worse.

I can also see a huge amount of antagonism, yes, but how it shows will depend on when your story is set.

Is it while he's still dependent on Tav? Then I think he'd try to refrain from being more antagonistic towards them than necessary, since he needs to stay on their good side. So, he'd likely stick with his base-line arseholeishness, if a bit more intense at times. You know, in a sense that you side eye him and wonder if he just actually insulted you or if he's still joking around.

But if he's not dependent on them? Oh boy. Yeah, very likely that he'd be extremely mean and Tav would definitely 100% know that he means everything he says, even when it's uttered with a smile. Think how he talks to the Gur hunter in act 1 because let's be honest…that was far from subtle.

Astarion as a whole doesn't take kindly to anyone prodding his weak spots, albeit he mellows a bit towards Tav over the course of the story, and if would be even worse with "sheltered" Tav. He would likely flip his shit really hard and become extremely cruel with them, staying on their good side be damned because how dare they prod where they have no business being?

It's something I've seen at work before, and let me tell you: It's never a pretty sight. Many people who experienced trauma usually don't want to hurt others - quite the contrary, a lot of them would rather sacrifice themselves before watching anyone else get hurt like they were - but that doesn't mean they're not good at it. Precisely because they're often so hypervigilant, they have a talent in picking out your weak spots and if you test them enough, oh boy. They'll hit them with such aim and grace, you'll find yourself reeling. And that's the super sweet and kind clients, not the Astarions.

Here it's important to mention that the things people say in those situations are rarely what they really believe. It's mostly is just a well aimed assassination of your soft spots to get you to back off and leave them be.

So "sheltered" Tav will have to be extremely careful regarding any sore spots if they don't want to be hit by the full force of protective-malice.

Does that mean Astarion and your Tav won't be able to bond? Aabsolutely not, but it will be a tad bit difficult because he'll likely take a lot longer to open up and their bond will have to be built entirely from scratch. The shared understanding of their trauma can’t function as a temporary foundation – temporary because a bond entirely based on [shared] trauma will eventually become instable, if not fortified by other things – so they’ll have to put in a lot of work to even get to having a solid foundation to build on.

I'll give you a bit of a general rundown on how I was taught to tackle clients like that, maybe any of that will be helpful for you!

So, firstly: "Sheltered" Tav will need to be careful and understanding and they'll have to be able to take a blow and live with it if they accidentally step to close too early.

Important to note: They'll have to be able to take a blow but they can't be too lenient either.

Astarion seems like a person who's attached to 'respect'. Not in the 'respect your elders' way, but in the sense that he treats those he respects a lot better than those he doesn't. It's the nobility’s definition of respect - some "deserve" it and some don't and who is who is entirely based on personal understanding - so it's very in line with his background.

So, while your Tav will need to be able to take a hit, they'll need to know when to call him out on his bullshit. If you let Astarion walk all over you, he will eventually lose all respect and then this is a lost cause. Don't let him push you around.

If he's being too cruel, don't be cruel back, but definitely call him out on it and let him know that he can always ask you to stop prodding but you will not stand around and let him insult you.

Be understanding, but don't be a doormat.

Then, in order to get someone to open up, you'll have to have a lot of patience. Don't demand anything, don't force anything. Every question you ask has to be careful and phrased in a way that won't corner them, which can be really difficult in casual conversation. So, mishaps can and will likely happen, which is great material for a story anyway, so that's great! (Not so great at work though, haha.)

In case of "sheltered" Tav, it's probably best if they wait for him to come to them. Listen when he rants, listen to the tiny things he mentions and if you ask questions, make sure they directly relate to what he's told you just then.

So, if he talks about Cazador essentially making him choose between eating putrid rats or getting beaten, a question like: "Did he do that a lot?" or "Was it always those two options?" could potentially be alright because the red string is easily visible for both parties. Astarion can tell why you would ask something like that and he can follow your line of thought easily.

But a question like: "What else did he do to you?" or "Did he do other things as well?" would probably have his defences going up. It's too broad, too unspecific, and how is that any of your business anyway? What is this, an interrogation? An interview so that you can ghost write his sad memoirs? Back off.

While a question like: "How exactly did those dinners go?" or "Beaten? How?" is too specific. You're practically asking him to relive a painful moment in great detail for your own "enjoyment". Why else would you want to know? Why else would you ask how exactly he'd been hurt and humiliated, if not for that? Maybe you were planning to do the same to him. He won't let you. The past is the past. Let. It. Rest.

So, as you can tell, it's basically playing question-hot-foot!

But even if your Tav should cross the lines in that regard every once in a while - it happens, every question is a gamble - it'll eventually be fine. The closer they get, the easier it will be to ask questions, because he'll realise that he can actually trust them.

The one word I would really really avoid - and I cannot stress this enough - is 'understand'. God never use it. Tav, omit it from your vocabulary, you'll never "understand" anything ever again!

"I understand what you went though was horrible, but/and/however…" - No, you really do not. You can't understand, can't even imagine what he's faced over the years so never pretend that you do.

"I won't pretend to understand what you went through, but I want to/you can trust me/I can still listen." - Always said with kindness, but that one really is nothing but an empty platitude, at best. Hearing someone say that they don't understand you so directly is never really encouraging either.

"I just want to understand you." - Great, but you don't need to know the barest parts of a person's soul to be able to understand them. If you can't do it without that, maybe you shouldn't. And, all in all, this phrasing of the last one feels really iffy anyway, personally speaking, because it has a very manipulative edge to it. 'Hey I'm just overstepping your boundaries because I want to know you and understand you better. It's all for you..." and blegh. I hate that one, but that might be totally personal so please feel entirely free to ignore this paragraph.

Anyway, as you can see…never "understand", even if it’s just meant to encourage him. Just don't. I've seen clients who asked to be transferred to a different social worker or ended up leaving completely because someone used one of those lines, so I'd really strongly advise against them.

Instead, opt for things like "I'll listen to whatever you want to say." or "Can you explain it to me?" because that way you're not lying to his face and you're leaving everything up to him. He gets to decide where this conversation goes and, more importantly, how far it goes. Not an interview, not an interrogation, but a conversation that he controls.

And well then, flower, that’s it! Of course, there’s a lot more to it, but we’d still be here by the time Baldur’s Gate 8 is released if I went over every tiny thing, but I hope this was enough of an overview to help you build your story 😊 If you end up sharing it, don’t be shy to let me know, I’d be excited to check it out because, as you said, it’s a really interesting dynamic that isn’t explored as much as it should be. It’s a difficult dynamic, but it is so rewarding to write, read and experience. I wish you all the best ♥

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate #baldur's gate #bg3 tav #tav #astarion x tav #baldurs gate tav #astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion romance #bg3 astarion #bg3 asks #astarion x reader #ascended astarion

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bowtiepastabitch · 9 months

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On Religious Trauma

I grew up in a high control religion, and on a fundamental level, I can see myself in both Crowley and Aziraphale, ESPECIALLY at the end of season two. Let me explain. (TW for religious abuse)

Within the church I grew up in, there was a very strong expectation that you build your identity exclusively within your religion; that you see Christ as the only source of good in yourself. It's one of the things that made coming to terms with my queerness and transness so intensely complicated. I had built my entire self image on being a good perfect Christian. Even after being forced from the closet at 16, I clung desperately to that identity because it was all I'd had my entire childhood. Even in the face of direct abuse pulled straight from that belief, I still couldn't let go of the only 'good' I'd ever seen in myself. I thought I could change my dad's mind if I could just prove that I was a good Christian and prove that the Bible didn't justify his hate. He didn't listen.

It took another year and a half for me to separate myself completely from Christianity. I'd been questioning my faith since 14 and it was an enormous source of guilt and shame, so letting go of that was a long healing process. The people I grew up with now go to religious unis and volunteer at the summer camps we went to as kids. It's surreal every time it comes up on my insta, and I feel like I'm the one who escaped, who saw through the sham to what was really going on. More than that, I know in my heart that my family (father aside) are also victims in their own right. I grew up watching my mother struggle, and I watch my younger sisters grow up wrestling with these same ideas. Perhaps even more strongly, having watched my fall from grace. But I can't DO anything, because I can see the fear in my mom's eyes when I reminder her why I'm not comfortable going to church with her; she was raised, just as I was, in desperate fear of seeing the damnation of those you love. She's terrified of being responsible for my eternal torture in hell. So we don't talk about it at all, because it hurts both of us.

I remember the overwhelming pressure to evangelize and convert, even as a literal child, because it was our responsibility to save them from hell. Aziraphale isn't CHOOSING angel Crowley over the one in front of him. He still hopes he can save the one person he loves more than anything in the universe. I've been there. It fucking hurts. But now I'm here, and that hurts too. Because I can see the people I love looking at me the same way and I have to say no.

Aziraphale never had a choice. Even in the face of cruelty, he sees heaven as the good in himself. It's the only identity he has. And he's scared out of his mind.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #aziraphale #crowley #ineffable husbands #good omens angst #neil gaiman #good omens 2 ending #no nightingales #ineffable divorce #religious trauma #religious abuse #growing up christian is a special kind of hell #not everyone but for a lot of people #no love like christian hate #I promise I am doing better now being an adult is awesome #it gets better i swear

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haibarashiho · 3 months

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I have to speak about this! I just have to cuz OMG. The details the angst. And the fact hinamori is going through a PTSD. Ughh

Hinamori awakened after Hitsugaya was dispatched to the mission. And it seems she was persistent to speak to him that she went straight to the headmaster. By her face, she was suffering and struggling each day without sleep. Guilt with PTSD. We can assume by her dark eye bags she was Re-living the traumatic event through recurring memories, flashbacks or vivid nightmares. And the guilt is her constant attempt to talk to Hitsugaya.

Hitsugaya first words to her was asking about her well being. ( my heart he is always worried about her more than himself ) and this is the first time we have seen Hitsugaya smile. As well as him noticing her features. He never missed a thing in that short call.

We can see how much they focused at his eyes. Eyes don’t lie. Without doubt her actions towards him totally didn’t bother him. He was more bothered about her injuries. His next words shows what he was bothered about. Her lack of sleep, her dark features, he even made a joke and funnily enough compared her to Matsumoto. ( we know he just can’t admit his worries because he doesn’t want her to feel any more worse. )

Hinamori blush? I guess she felt embarrassed about how Hitsugaya as well noticed her lack of growth lmao .

Then we got his famous sentence. ( He looks manly. My heart. ) and her smile, Anyway after that. Look at his curious expression? He is paying so much attention to the conversation regardless. Until she mentioned Aizen. Look the focus at the eyes again! And HERE The ptsd on action again ——

An intense emotional and physical reaction when reminded of the trauma including, sweating, anxiety, panic, heart palpitations ( we can’t know about the tachycardia but the sudden excessive sweat and her physical demeanor tell enough! She was barely holding herself together ) she was also mentally still not recovering. Not believing what happened at that time.

I’m not sure if Hitsugaya noticed this or not, But when Hinamori asked to save him and tried to excuse aizen. she was also mentally still not recovering. Not believing what happened at that time. It was evident in the anime more with the focus and the sound. As if she went into a hysterical state

The anger within him intensified, this isn’t about just her bleeding anymore.

#momo hinamori #hitsugaya toushirou #hitsuhina #toshiro hitsugaya #hinamori momo #tōshirō hitsugaya

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no-where-new-hero · 9 months

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LANTERN HILL CATCH UP POST AT LAST! Analysis under the cut so the post doesn't destroy everyone's timelines.

CH. 2:

LMM really knows how to put her heroines on the torture rack of family disapproval. We just went through Valancy's under the Stirlings and I know Emily's off by heart, but there's something even more terrible about the way Jane is treated because she's not 29 and therefore somewhat more acquainted with life, nor does she have Emily's soul-armor of imagination. As an object of belittling, she has very little to shield herself when her entire world is her unpleasant family around her. Love this line, I've definitely been there too lol.

Sometimes Jane thought drearily that there must be something the matter with her when there were so many people she didn't like.

CH. 3:

Jane got up and walked out of the summer-house and around the garage, past the lonely dog-house that had never had a dog in it…at least, in Jane's recollection…

Disappointed (Dog)House.

Again Jane felt a thrill of understanding. So this girl was afraid of people, too.

Jane is an unusual socially-centric LMM heroine from what I can tell. Valancy and Emily disappear into blue castles or nature to cope. Anne is intensely sociable, but she wins over everyone: she's never allowed the grimier side of humanity to put fear in her. So the fact that this is what stands against Jane and Jody marks a change: they would like to partake in the freedom of society but mores stand against Jody and Grandmother stands against Jane.

CH. 4:

Ahem. Mother's complete and utter lack of compassion for Jody is where the problems begin to arise, I see. I'm also a bit impressed that Jane is able to see her mother's "weakness" so unerringly at 10. It shows how the circumstances of always living in terror of Grandmother has provoked a trauma response of being too precocious at reading people. Grandmother continues to make my blood boil. This following passage REALLY shows LMM's mastery in making the most of an economical scene:

She stood in the doorway and looked at them. You could feel the silence spreading through the room like a cold, smothering wave. "What does this mean, Victoria...if I am allowed to ask?" "This is...Jody," faltered Jane. "I...I brought her over to give her my doll. She hasn't any." "Indeed? And you have given her the one your Aunt Sylvia gave you?" Jane at once realized that she had done something quite unpardonable. It had never occurred to her that she was not at liberty to give away her own doll.

And Jane DOES have a blue castle! Of course LMM couldn't leave her without a coping mechanism. Calling it a "moon spree" is absolutely delightful and henceforth anytime I fall into daydreams I'm going to call it a moon spree.

CH 5:

All she knew about him was that his name must have been Andrew Stuart, because mother was Mrs Andrew Stuart.

Okay not gonna lie this broke my heart a little. She doesn't even know his name qua his name. It probably had never been directly spoken to her. I have to say I love her audacity (even if unintended) in dropping the bombshell question in the mother of Grandmother's tea party. I can only imagine the tempest in the teapot that followed Jane's departure.

But the most terrible thing about it all was that there was something now that could not be talked over with mother. Jane felt it between them, indefinable but there. The old perfect confidence was gone.

And this stuck under my skin. Of course Jane would avoid the subject like the plague, but what's keeping Robin from providing her daughter with some necessary context? Grandmother's prohibition on mentioning him seemed mostly directed at Jane. I'm sure more about Robin will unfold, but keeping in mind a lot of stuff other people have posted about her, I think her cardinal sin is this kind of selfish immaturity. She has learned to love her daughter, probably because Jane insists on being self-reliant, but because of that she probably can't see what she can do to help Jane's suffering.

CH 6:

Mary did not tell Jane that she firmly believed the old lady had poisoned the dog. You didn't tell children things like that and anyway she couldn't be dead sure of it. All she was sure of was that old Mrs Kennedy had been bitterly jealous of her daughter's love for the dog.

MRS. KENT ENERGY. I feel certain someone else in the book club brought this up, but wow the resemblance is strong with this one. And a way into deciphering Teddy's character based on Robin? Certainly, the selfishness and immaturity doesn't seem a stretch to imagine.

"I expect you to obey me without argument, Victoria. You cannot have your own way all the time. Other people's wishes must be considered occasionally. Please oblige me by making no further fuss over a trifle."

Okay of all Grandmother's travesties, this one takes the cake for me. I want to slap the daylights out of this woman so badly.

CH. 7:

Kenneth Howard has peaked eyebrows...brother under the skin to Barney Snaith. Now, all jokes aside, Jane projecting onto Kenneth Howard kind of hit a personal nerve. And the fact that it's yet another thing that Robin can't talk about...like, WOMAN. Please be normal about men to your 11 year old daughter or neither of you may ever recover. I'm curious how this thread will be taken up again later.

CH. 8:

Something about the fact that Robin can't even tell her own daughter that she did a good job in front of Grandmother, no matter what Grandmother herself thinks, makes me wonder what kind of threat Robin finds herself under. Because Grandmother so determinedly "loves" Robin, she doesn't seem likely to wield sarcasm against her. Yes, she kind of orders her about and turns her into her doll, but that's less active cruelty than what she says to Jane. What is Robin so afraid of that prevents her from supporting her daughter? That Jane will be harmed if she seems too loved, like her dog? Yet if Robin is that aware of what's going on and doing nothing about it--dramatically saying that its too late for them to escape--then Robin is literally as damaging to Jane's well-being as Grandmother is.

#jane of lantern hill #lantern hill book club #lm montgomery #lmm lockdown

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lilacartsmadsion · 9 months

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I am scared to talk about this, and have been for a while.

Am I really the asshole in this situation? Am I really racist and fucked up for headcanon-ing berserk cacao as a (sort of) mindless beast? Because I am actually beginning to believe so.

I and some others are being harassed for having different interpretations of Berserk Cacao.

Let me explain

Basically I was banned from RiverArts server about my fic about Berserk cacao eating pomegranate, which I deleted when I understood how fucked up it was, and understandably they felt uncomfortable.

But then they went as far as to post it on twitter, without censoring me and the other 14 YEAR OLD’S names, and basically ‘expose’ me and @cakehoundsyndrome and their friend for their supposed ‘racism’ towards cacao. And these are basically adults. Also, I just need to call out the hypocrisy of River for a second that @randomspagetti also made a point on in twitter, is that they got mad at @cakehoundsyndrome for making licorice be abused in their past when they did the same to wildberry.

And also, most people on twitter agreed with Minty0oz and RiverArt in calling us racist and saying we’re fucked up and saying we’ve crossed the line.

I believe the line was crossed when you all decided to harass 14 year olds.

And may I add, we have apologised so many times, but they have actively ignored them and chose to keep harassing us.

Please..I need you and @kotymeaw’s opinion.

Ahem-

Although I do respect those who actively try and actively promote portraying black people as monsters being bad,

However I will say a few things…

1.) Do not harass 14 year olds OR MINORS, for headcanoning something that they did not know was wrong.

I would like to remind you that some of us 14 year olds were not accustomed to racial representation in our early lives, some of us are not aware there are DO’s and DONT’s when it comes to racial representation. Therefore as the ADULTS in the situation, you should know better than to actively bully and harass a minor for their mistakes and behavior. That does not do them good in the future.

(Speaking from someone who was ACTIVELY BULLIED FOR HAVING AN OPINION OR BEING HERSELF IN REAL LIFE TO THE POINT WHERE PEOPLE TOLD ME ‘DO NOT BE FRIENDS SHE’S BAD’ TO MY FACE! I WAS A FUCKING CHILD, IT DID NOT HELP ME AT ALL I WAS BULLIED INTO FUCKING INTENSE SOCIAL ANXIETY)

Harassing people for making mistakes even after they apologize and try their damnest to make a mistake. (AND HAVING AN APOLOGY THAT IS BETTER THAN COLLEEN.) WILL NOT turn them into a better person, perhaps, you’ll turn them out for the worst.

What if you harass someone for that and they never put racial representation in their works again because their scared of getting it wrong? That can happen.

Especially if you harass MINORS, most of the time minors are still children, they still need to grow on their own pace, trying to teach them through bullying and harassment won’t help them, it will only make them worse or make them disappear off the face of the fucking planet.

2.) Berserk Cacao has not been confirmed to be a derivative of his trauma nor was it derived from Pomegranate’s spell.

Pomegrante’s spell might have activated it, BUT-! She lost control of the spell THEN Cacao went Berserk.

The moment Cacao RESISTED Pomegranate lost control of the spell and Cacao went Berserk, causing him to lose control as well.

Berserk Cacao is only created by Cacao’s sheer will and need to defend himself, not a result of his trauma. Pomegranate remarks ‘Is this the power of the Soul Jam?’ Meaning even she underestimated how powerful Cacao was.

I want you to remember that Cacao has the powers of A GOD in his hands, the Ancients are canonically OP as fuck. Cacao ‘Split the Day and Night’ in his story when fighting dragons, Pure Vanilla sealed a WHOLE ASS KINGDOM WITH HIS SHEER MIGHT ALONE WITHOUT ANY SOUL JAM! Hollyberry can SINGLE HANDEDLY DEAL WITH ANY DRAGON.

So in lore technically yes, Cacao can resist Pomegranate’s mind spell. It’s just a misconception that Pomegranate had control over the situation.

Berserk Cacao was not created by trauma, he was created as a defensive mechanism from Cacao’s sheer will alone. However, Cacao mindlessly attacked because he thought he was in incredible danger, he started attacking his subjects, the main crew and even Pomegranate herself the cookie who they said WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION was scared of Cacao.

And this is a power established by the Soul Jam.

(Look, I’m an overthinker, and though I am currently procrastinating on the lore of CRK, I did NOT procrastinate on a whole lore about the damn Soul Jam because damnit do I need it for my own fanfic, wanna know why I joined this darn fandom, FOR THE LORE AND FOR THE THEORIES SO YOU CAN CALL ME MATPAT FOR ALL I CARE!)

Again…

Please DO NOT HARASS 14 year olds for their mistakes it is your job as adults to GUIDE THEM.

I don’t care if you’re 16 or 15 YOU ARE THEIR SENIOR YOU ARE THEIR ELDEST YOU ARE THEIR EXAMPLE YOU DO NOT HARASS THEM.

Because they’re either gonna destroy themselves or others. Who knows they might learn to harass others everytime they do something wrong.

Why am I saying this? That’s literally my role in real life, I am an elder sister of one. And she gets into a lot of toxic people in her life. If I see you doing this again, Be sure I’ll make you feel a taste of your own medicine and dig up some old wounds.

DO NOT HARASS MINORS, you adults SHOULD KNOW BETTER. You are the adults, they are the teenagers. You are supposed to be teachers, guides and examples for them, NOT THE SOURCE OF THEIR PAIN. BE BETTER EXAMPLES.

#cookie run kingdom #dark cacao cookie #berserk cacao #important #pls stop harassing 14 year old even though they did #they made a MISTAKE and apologized don’t get carried away

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aihoshiino · 9 months

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Ok here's a big question: which theme is the real Core of the series? like if you had to ignore everything else what do you think onk is About

OHH ANON THIS ONE IS THE JUICY STUFF!!!!!

I think the combo of OnK being ongoing and having so many intersecting Things keeps me from confidently nailing down One Singular Thing it wants to say, but I also think that if you really boil down all the set dressing to its Deepest Flavor Profile (i am fined by the geneva convention for torturing metaphors), Oshi no Ko is ultimately about trauma and abandonment.

That's a pretty broad topic but any other way I tried to specify it left too many things I think are essential to the series by the wayside. The entertainment industry commentary is extremely important in terms of unifying everyone's stories and providing context to them, but the most intense, long lasting and prominent trauma we see characters deal with are not directly a result of the entertainment industry but are because of parental abuse and abandonment – Ai, Ruby and Kana are all daughters of toxic mothers who inflicted varying degrees of emotional abuse (and in Ai's case, severe physical abuse) on their children before abandoning them and the lasting damage runs through all of them like fault lines.

Also under the umbrella of abandonment, I think, is the trauma of being failed and neglected by systems that should have protected you. Ai's entire tragedy as a character is the degree to which she was failed at every step of the way by every system that should have protected her. She was spat out of the care system half formed at age fifteen, catastrophically underprepared to such a degree that her exploitation at the ends of the idol industry is not even in the top ten of the worst things that could have happened to her as a result.

Aqua, too, is failed by the system - he was so deeply traumatized as a child that this singular trauma is threatening to be the thing that kills him fifteen years later and nobody has stepped in to intervene and give him the care he needs and the entertainment industry is a perfect boiling pot for him to comfortably sit and allow himself to be cooked to death in.

Finally and perhaps most importantly: Hikaru Kamiki is also a victim. In fact, I would say Hikaru Kamiki's victimization is the singular foundational point on which the story's entire ongoing tragedy sits. This is not the post for me to talk in detail about what was done to him, but the undeniable fact is that he was horrendously victimized in a way I don't have words strong enough to condemn and not only did nobody ever help him, but the person who abused him faced no punishment and happily went about her life.

Nobody gets out of life undamaged.

That said, while the series is at its core about things that break you, I think it also has an extremely hopeful and ultimately uplifting perspective on what it means to carry trauma. I said as much in the previous ask but it bears repeating because I think it serves as the foundation for much of what OnK is saying about trauma: everyone has damage. nobody gets out of life clean and pure. but because everyone has damage, you are not alone or uniquely broken. you can be healed. but you can't do it alone.

Again and again in Oshi no Ko, we see characters who are at absolute rock bottom because of trauma able to pull themselves out of the hole thanks to the love and support given to them by the people around them. Oshi no Ko posits connection, community and companionship as the ultimate path to salvation for anyone who feels broken beyond repair and it promises them that even if it's a lie now, if they reach out and try, if they let themselves open their hearts and let other people surprise them, then that lie of love might be able to make itself true. But if you never try, then you'll never know.

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #oshi no ko spoilers

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storiesbyrhi · 1 year

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I just re-watched season 2 of Stranger Things and here's the takeaway for me - stop me if you've heard this one before ;) - whoever I was when I watched it in 2017 is not the girl you see before you. I have a wayyyy different interpretation of the characters and the show.

(Season 1 thoughts here.)

'MADMAX' was the coolest way to introduce Max. She is absolutely as rad as I remember. I'm not entirely sure they knew why they wrote Max into the show... Was it to give Lucas something to do (which is shitty for his character); was it to add another girl (yay tokenism); was it a setup for later seasons (I might accept that because not all new characters have to be the star of the show)? Who knows! What I do know is that Sadie Sink really gave Max teeth in an otherwise... eh storyline.

I forgot Nancy and Steve went to Barb's parents for dinners. Makes me so fucking sad. The entire Barb situation is tragic. Idk if it was a reaction to the 'Justice for Barb' movement but regardless, having some follow-up around that was so important. Nancy's trauma being (somewhat) explored was great too.

Jesus H. Christ Noah Schnapp can fucking act. Like yeah, Sadie Sink killed season 4 but Noah Schnapp season 2 is incredible. And he's thirteen! And the intensity and nuance in his performance are wild! !!! !!!

I remember being so charmed by the Dustin and Steve pair-up. Still am. Still am.

"He likes it cold." Yikes. Like I said about season 1, it's cool watching this through a Vecna lens. It feels plausible he was the plan for the show all along.

My memory of Dart was a nice one. Turns out that I forgot he killed Mews. Fuck that guy Dart. He is not my homie. RIP Mews. You deserved better.

I remember the demodogs being more dog-like. They truly be serving Silent Hill, huh?

Unpopular opinion but I don't hate the Kali storyline. I can see how I thought it sucked in 2017; waiting all that time for season 2 to finally come out, then getting that. I probably wanted more action and group bonding. However, I like that we got to see a) an alternative outcome for El had she not found Mike and Hopper, and b) El gain some autonomy in her search for history and home. It makes her choice to be Hopper's daughter more meaningful. The storyline also broadened the danger and cruelty of Brenner and co., and gave a legit setting for El to learn more about her powers.

RIP Bob. My memory of you was correct and you truly are a hero. Casting was A+ because nobody thought they'd violently kill a LOTR/Goonies star in the 80s themed show.

Watching the entire gang in the Byers house in episode 8 was so cool. That sweeping shot of all of them poised ready for the demodog attack... chefs kiss. I am now even angrier that they were all separated in season 4.

There's so much talk about cool television dads. Din Djarin this. Bandit Heeler that. Joel Miller who. Bob Belcher why. Where is the hype for Joyce Byers, who once again proves to be parent of the motherfucking year?! Are you kidding me?!

Knowing that the show goes on to call Mike the heart of the party is a real kick in the teeth. Will is so utterly the heart of this family and found family.

So, I never fell in love with Steve. Not a Stevie girlie. But, ah, this rewatch has me feeling all kinds of things. The fucking character development on this boy?! Might have to branch out into some Steeeeeedie x Reader fics. Shiiiit.

I. Love. Nancy. She. Is. So. Smart. Give. Her. More. Guns. And the scene with Dustin at the dance still breaks my heart. I love her, your honor.

Murray was exactly how I remembered.

Hopper was wayyyy better this season. The "sometimes I think I'm a black hole" speech was fantastic. Him telling El about Sarah, finally, is so healing for them both.

My opinions about Jonathan and Steve changed so much between 2016 and 2023, so I went into this with an open mind re: Billy. However, here's the thing. He's racist. Racists just aren't babes. No matter how else his behaviour and personality are contextualised, he will always be a racist so it's a hard no for me. Yes, Billy is the victim of an abusive parent, but that can only be used to explain some of his behaviour. Not all of it. Nor can it be used to excuse some of his behaviour. Nothing that has happened to Billy can justify the way Max is terrified when she hears his car. She is terrified of him. I'm not saying they don't love each other in a very complicated messy way, but when I try 'redeem' (for lack of a better word) season 2 Billy, I can't. Billy deserved a safe and good home, deserved better than what life gave him, but he'll continue to be a blocked tag for me. I do wanna say that I think he's an important character for a lot of people, and that is so valid. That's why I don't go around posting shit about him 24/7. I'll probably have a lot to say about him in season 3 too, because hey guess what, sexualising a teenager is weird as hell @ grown up adult women living in Hawkins.

At the end of season 2 I am so keen for some more El/Will friendship, Max development, and Jopper.

And I'm onto season 3. (Edit: here's the link!)

This has been a Stranger Things Rhi-Watch.

#Stranger Things #ST RhiWatch #Stanger Things 2 #Rhi Talks #steve harrington #joyce byers #jonathan byers #will byres #nancy wheeler #mike wheeler #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson #billy harringrove #jim hopper #jane hopper #el hopper #eleven hopper

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stargirlfeyre · 11 months

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SJM isn’t the best author by any means. But I always thought her books were fun and easy to read. However when reading ACOSF, it wasn’t fun - it was just funny - and not in a good way. Like when Nesta saw the children devastated by the war, and she was like I want to scare them, I’m a monster, I’m a terrifying creature of despair. I couldn’t help but laugh because why? What exactly was the point of that scene? Why even put that in? All the sudden, Nesta’s some edgelord who hates everyone, including kids traumatized by war.

I also noticed SJM has the habit of telling the audience instead of showing the audience. She does this in many of her books, but especially in ACOSF. When Nesta was talking to Azriel and claimed that she didn’t need to resort to threats or some stupid thing like that, was strange to say the least. At this point, Nesta was adamant about never using her powers, only trained for a couple weeks if that, and has continually threatened everyone around her (especially her youngest sister) while doing absolutely nothing to support her threats. I don’t really understand what SJM was trying to display by writing this scene. Like am I supposed to be intimidated and awed by Nesta, when she’s only in her twenties, has refused to train, has done absolutely nothing as her family starved, as she threatens a centuries old spymaster who has years of combat training?

People picking apart the original series and being upset because it doesn’t heavily focus on politics will always be funny to me because babe, this is just a books about faeries, falling in love, and overcoming trauma. The “politics” aren’t a main focus on the story. It’s SUPPOSED to just be a fun series that you can relate to and enjoy.

I think one of Mass’ biggest mistakes was making acosf NA instead of sticking to the YA format the former books had. With the main series being YA that means sjm got to (or HAD to) focus more on these characters’ growth and romance outside of sex. Yes the main series does have sex in it but compared to acosf? She couldn’t just write dozens of sex scenes or use cringe language (pretty little c*nt) and that forced her to put some actual thought behind her writing. With acosf I think she got excited over the fact that this book would be NA so she just went all out. And I think she tried too hard to make this book edgy and “adult” that it just came off as ridiculous. Examples, Nesta trying to scare little kids walking down the street or Nesta telling Gwyn to get out of her sight.

Sjm’s tactic with getting people to like Nesta in acosf was all just tell not show. She didn’t put an effort into SHOWING Nesta was a good person rather she just had every other character say it and expect readers to just accept it. The characterization we get from other people on who Nesta is vs how she is when we read from her pov is staggering. On top of that it makes it seem as if these characters don’t actually know who Nesta is and are seeing her through the “rose colored glasses” people swear Feyre has. That scene with Azriel was the most blatant Mary Sue shit I’ve ever scene. This 25 year old is threatening a 500+ year old warrior who’s been in multiple battles and we’re supposed to believe that he’s taking her seriously? That this scene is not “intense”. No it’s just a joke😭.

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i-heart-hxh · 1 year

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the funny thing is that I can relate to gon on a personal level. the whole feeling guilty, taking the blame, and explode when things are too much. so to me, the way gon react after knowinh kite's death, is totally understandable. but it still makes me sad to see ppl wrongly interpret his actions and ignored his feelings. like he went though hell too during the whole arc. anyway we know that he regretted his action and he apologized to killua but his action had also caused a crack in their friendship. something that is unfortunate and I think that why the separation is needed to repair it.

but still hurt and I hate it.

and I finally get to meet alluka and I have to say that I still haven't warmed up to her. aside from being a factor in killugon separation, something about togashi introducing her in the series and we are heading to the dark continent arc? makes me wary of her. sure she's cute but well it let's just say, she isn't my fave characte.

I hope the movies are as good and I get to see my boys again. need them to heal this broken heart 😭 (2/2)

I'm glad you finished it! Thanks for coming back to give your impressions!

I agree about the way some of the fandom sees Gon and especially Gon's actions in Chimera Ant arc. It's such a shallow way to view the series and it surprises me how many people don't have compassion and understanding for what Gon went through. His feelings of guilt and his issues with self-esteem that lead up to what happened are present throughout the series--it makes a lot of sense when you go back and watch or read it again, there's so much foreshadowing and build up. I have no doubt Togashi was building in this direction all along. It's frustrating seeing people reacting to Gon's trauma without considering his age and all the reasons it makes sense for him to react the way he did. Even though we didn't see much of his perspective during Chimera Ant arc, it's clear how much pain he was in.

I do think the separation is ultimately good for them, though it certainly makes me sad, too--especially because we haven't gotten a reunion yet. 💔 (As I said in my prior meta, I have a lot of hope that we will eventually, though, assuming Togashi is able to keep working on the manga.)

I'm happy you're going to read the manga next! It's the original, after all, and there are some things that were left out or are a bit different than in the 2011 anime. Plus of course there's the next arc, even though Gon and Killua aren't present. The movies are not widely considered "good" LOL, and they're not technically canon because they weren't written by Togashi, but at least they're something you can consume to help with the post-anime heartbreak. The 1999 anime is also worth watching, though it deviates a lot more from the manga than the 2011 anime does (in some ways I like and some ways I don't like, personally). The atmosphere, art, and soundtrack are distinctive and lovely.

I like Alluka myself and I'm curious about the role she and Nanika will play going forward, but to each their own of course! You're entitled to your own opinion on her. She was a factor in the separation, sure, but Gon also wouldn't be healed without her.

My experience is that the broken heart from HxH doesn't go away if it truly resonates with you (and it sounds like it did for you!), but there are a lot of ways to cope with it--consuming the series multiple times in the different formats available, reading/writing meta and fanfics and looking at/drawing fanart, and commiserating with other people in the fandom. Hang in there, I remember how intense that feeling was at first! I'm always happy to discuss more if you have any particular topics you want to talk about!

#asks #my posts

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blood-mocha-latte · 6 months

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unrelated and i totally get if you're not interested in asking questions about your career but how did you become a paramedic? how long was your training? I'm hoping to get EMT certification and maybe up it to paramedic eventually, but idk how much that will really interfere with my current career path.

hi love! don’t worry about career asks, i’m totally fine with whatever anyone wants to talk about (i have Chatty Bitch Disease)

and i’m afraid i misspoke because i’m a huge idiot that doesn’t know how to use words, lol! i’m emt registered and was going to become a paramedic, but ended up going to medical school instead and becoming an emergency medicine (em) doctor, working in an er lol. BUT i’ll still outline most of what i did, just in case. i also included things that my sister-in-law did, since she actually is a paramedic, lmao.

under the cut since this is kind of niche <3

becoming a paramedic:

- got high school diploma/ged (she took classes focused in anatomy and physiology, which isn’t required but can help to get you a foothold in what you want to do. i did this as well and highly recommend it)

- doing emt-basic certification training - for both of us, this took about half a year :) it was mainly just going into things like:

how to take vital signs and offering basic life support (i.e. administering oxygen, doing cpr)

other skills like controlling bleeding, taking care of burns, splinting bones, dealing with spinal injuries, and administering limited medication sets

- getting in-field experience! my sister-in-law did this but i didn’t, which i kind of really regret. even though it’s not required, getting more hands-on experience with emt stuff before applying for a program can help you get ahead and feel less lost :)

- complete a paramedic program - this takes about 1-2 years, typically (it took me about 14 months, and my sister-in-law 12, but we went through different programs). training mostly just looks like:

cardiology, dealing with physical trauma, administering meds, airway procedures, etc

field clinical rotations and ambulance runs are also a part of this, which are pretty fun

- getting certified/licensed (this is what my sister-in-law did, i went the opposite route and ended up getting an md, lol)

all states have differences, but you’ll have to take the nremt, which gains you certification as a paramedic. depending on where you live, there are other state requirements as well that would add on to what you would need to do to receive your license.

okay, that’s about it! some of this may be iffy, since this was a while ago and i don’t know where you are in this process/where you live/some of this is by word of mouth, but i hope this is somewhat helpful!

one thing i WILL say about going into anything healthcare is make sure you have the mental toughness for it. medicine isn’t for everyone, and emergency response/intensive care can be incredibly difficult to go through and maintain parts of who you are. i know people who haven’t been able to do it, and myself have troubles with c-ptsd because of it. hours can be rough (for the majority of this year i worked for 24 hours straight with 48 off, this is what a lot of my paramedic buddies do as well) and it can get in the way of life (i had to cut my honeymoon short by 8 days because the hospital needed extra hands).

i don’t mean to scare anyone off, because i love my job and can’t imagine doing anything else, but it can be a difficult field, so make sure you have a strong support system and know what you’re in for :)

thanks for asking! i hope this is both somewhat coherent and what you were asking, lol <3

#rie answers #wrote this all in like #five minutes so it's off the top of my head so it's probably kind of jumbled!!#i’m not good at giving advice so i’m sorry because this probably makes no sense #anywho parting words of wisdom work hard do what you want achieve aspire etc but be aware of medical propaganda when you see it #and don’t be a jerk trust your patients #oh and be aware of workplace toxicity and try to avoid it/get out of that situation if you’re in it #ok i’ll stop giving bad advice now #and post

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rookie-critic · 1 year

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How to Blow Up a Pipeline (2023, dir. Daniel Goldhaber) - review by Rookie-Critic

My full-length review this week was going to be over Renfield, but I saw this last night and felt like talking about it more (plus Renfield is very cut-and-dry: good, not great. Could have used more Nicolas Cage because his performance was awesome). Also, I felt like I was getting in the habit of only doing full-lengthers for the big blockbuster releases of the week and not giving love to the indie films.

I was very excited to see this film because it looked like a well-made eco-thriller that would show the complicated nature of fighting back against a corrupt system built to punish those trying to enact change. I will say that it is very well-made. The low-budget, sometimes handheld nature of the camerawork did wonders for the overall vibe of the film and the script, from a story standpoint, was very solid and had my anxiety high from beginning to end. The score was also something I picked up on immediately as being both really good instrumental music and really good at servicing the film's intensity. Another aspect that really works in the film's favor is a stunning and quite remarkable cast of up-and-comers, including Ariela Barer (Marvel's Runaways), Marcus Scribner (black-ish/Grown-ish), Forrest Goodluck (The Revenant), Sasha Lane (American Honey), Jayme Lawson (Till & The Woman King), Jake Weary (Animal Kingdom), Lukas Gage (Assassination Nation), and Kristine Froseth (Looking for Alaska). I just went ahead and named all of them because they all deliver such fantastic performances with what they were given. Special mention should specifically go to Goodluck, though, for making me very interested in a character the film doesn't give you a ton of information about.

The part that bugs me about Pipeline is that, despite a solid script and an ensemble cast that is both diverse and extremely talented, the film doesn't critically analyze it's morality or do much to call into question if our characters are truly doing the right thing or not. Of course, there are throwaway lines here and there about how what they're doing is an act of terrorism, and one character in particular brings up more than once the ethical grey-area of what they're doing, but she is the lone voice in a crowd of bullheaded individuals that believe what they're doing is altruistically the right thing to do. It makes a less-than-baseline attempt at holding a mirror up to the ensemble and treats them as heroes when, at best, they're anti-heroes. Well-intentioned anti-heroes, but anti-heroes all the same.

I think one of the biggest proponents of this is the film's character writing. We are given flashbacks throughout the film providing a little backstory for all of our main cast of characters, which, in and of itself, is a great device, but it is used aimlessly and doesn't provide anything close to the kind of insight into our characters' motivations that I was looking for. We seem them all from a bird's-eye-view, getting more of a template of a person than something more fully realized. We see the triggering event that pushed some of them over the edge, but we don't get the context, the build-up, the lifetime of constant reminders that their-world is dying and there is nothing truly substantial that they can do about it. In the case of some of the characters we don't even really get an inciting moment, merely just a footnote onto the film that explains how they got entangled in their current situation. It's character backstory that moves the plot forward, but doesn't necessarily move our characters forward, and that's Pipeline's biggest detriment. It cares more about sending a very black-and-white, blunt-force-trauma message to the audience through plot beats as opposed to a very thought-provoking, nuanced message about complex morality and the pitfalls of well-intentioned extremism through its characters. There are whispers of the latter, moments where the film opens itself up for you to ascribe your own biases to a character and sympathize with their logic, but it is all very surface level.

It's an expertly crafted film with a lot of great things going for it, but it takes a much less effective soap-box approach to a story that would have been way more well-suited to a humanistic one. If you take the good with the bad, all things considered, it is very entertaining. There's something to be said that there are multiple moments when the theater audibly gasped and even more moments where I was literally, physically on the edge of my seat. It was good enough to make me interested in reading the book (something I hardly ever do anymore) and watching director Daniel Goldhaber's first film, Cam. I'll be keeping an eye out for future projects from him, for sure.

Score: 7/10

Currently only in theaters.

#How to Blow Up a Pipeline #How to Blow Up a Pipeline film #Daniel Goldhaber #Ariela Barer #Marcus Scribner #Sasha Lane #Forrest Goodluck #Jayme Lawson #Jake Weary #Lukas Gage #Kristine Frøseth #Kristine Froseth #film review #movie review #2023 films

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hellsbellschime · 10 months

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i'm really sorry you're going thru such a difficult time. i know what it's like to live with a mentally ill person and it's never easy. when i was a teen i lived with my mom and step-dad and he was bipolar (divorced now thank god). it was always a minefield having to deal with him because he either was always having his meds adjusted or he decided to get off his meds because he thought he didn't need them anymore and was coping with alcohol instead. i remember once when i was 14 he had been drinking and not taking his meds and it was like 2am and he was blasting music and screaming at his cat because he said she was talking back to him. i turned the music down and was walking back to my bed when he came out of nowhere and started to choke me. thankfully my mom and his daughter had also woken up because it took them both to pull him off me. sadly that wasn't the last of him in my life, took my mom years to get strong enough to leave him.

idk how volatile your situation is, but i hope you can stay safe. it's scary how unpredictable they can be, especially when they aren't properly medicated. is there any way you could report the car stolen? because that could possibly help you start the process of having her being put on a psychiatric hold if she committed a crime/is a danger to others. or maybe it's time to tell her that she needs to make other arrangements because you cannot keep taking care of her. i know she's your mom so you probably feel an obligation to her, but your first priority should be to your own health and happiness. it feels selfish saying that, at least for me since i grew up with the mentality that you should put others first, especially elders/family. but when they are toxic and hurting you i think it's ok to be selfish.

Jesus Christ I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I know it's a nightmare at any age but when you're a kid it's extra terrifying. It's also weird to think about in retrospect, like I know how maddening it is now that I'm an adult, I know that every other adult in her life bailed because they just couldn't take it, so to be dealing with that as a child must have been so scary that my brain literally protected me from fully processing it all. And a lot of people don't realize it or don't have bipolar that's that severe, but my mom is also one whose mania can get so intense that she literally becomes delusional which is also scary af, it sucks that we both had to deal with that as children. She's a "how about I don't take meds and just drink/do my own drugs to solve my problems" type too, which again is it's own fucking nightmare because dealing with a mentally ill alcoholic is REALLY not the tea.

It's actually ironic, the other day my mom ditched me at the Taylor Swift concert we went to and she talked about a conversation she had with someone else where she sort of jokingly said that every time she disappears on me I think she's dead. It activated a weird memory that I just hadn't thought of for a while, because it's actually true, and it's because when I was a kid she would just vanish and leave me at home for sometimes days without calling or saying anything, and when she said that I just had a very vivid flashback of my childhood before I understood that this was just a thing that was going to happen and literally sat there alone, terrified, crying my eyes out and trying to stay up all night because I was too scared to go to sleep in my house by myself and literally being so sure that she didn't come home because she was dead. Which was something I went through more than once before I realized okay, she's not dead, she's just not coming home for some reason. And again, it was a weird insight into the total disconnect between us, because in her mind this is just some kooky problem I have and I was immediately like OH NOPE I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THAT TRAUMA COMES FROM

Thankfully my mom is weak af now and I'm not though, we sort of got into it a few weeks ago and she did try to like, hurt my wrist, but she's so goddamn weak and I remembered at least enough Krav Maga to know how to hold myself steady, so we had a bizarre standoff that I think actually lowkey intimidated her or at least made her realize she can't do dick to me, because she was trying to bend my wrist with all her might using both hands and I just locked my arm completely straight and she literally could not move it. I think she could see in my eyes that I was like "mmm you sure you want this smoke asshole" and she realized she didn't.

And yes, I have been contemplating reporting my car stolen for the last hour or so because she has now been gone for almost 24 hours and has not answered her phone once even though I have called over 60 times in the last hour-ish. When or if she does come back I honestly do want to say that she should just GTFO, I mean again she's contributing absolutely nothing, she hasn't paid rent the entire time we've been here anyway and while I don't think we're ACTUALLY going to get evicted, her behavior has been kooky enough that clearly people in the building have reported it and it was enough for the landlord to send an official written warning. So like, sure, if you don't want to contribute shit and just want to go off living your manic cracked out dreams, go away and let me actually live a life without your crazy for once.

LOL and not even kidding, in the process of me writing this whole rant she finally picked up her phone, told me she'd be home in an hour, and promptly hung up on me. I'm honestly going to lose my mind.

#real life woes

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