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mypoisonedvine · 4 years

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Love, Theoretically | Sebastian Stan x reader (Chapter 3)

(Chapter 1) (Chapter 2)

series summary: having lost your husband, sister, and best friend all to the same extramarital affair, you ran away to a secluded villa in the Hungarian countryside to write and get a little time away from the life you’d left behind. you were only looking for peace and perhaps some inspiration for your novel, but instead you found an unlikely connection with the immigrant repairman– even though the two of you don’t speak the same language.

word count: 2.5k

warnings: a brief and half-assed description of theoretical male masturbation. that’s it. lol.

moodboard by @evnscvll, if you’re not following her what are you doing with your life???

As the afternoon was just starting to wind down into the evening, you went for a stroll along the side of the lake; it was your new daily routine in this place, and you’d done it every afternoon for the past several days. You found yourself looking for Sebastian outside, and being oddly disappointed when he was nowhere to be found. It took you a bit to appreciate that the strange feelings and behaviors you were exhibiting were a crush. You hadn’t had one in so long, not since you’d met your husband, that you almost forgot what it was like. This one felt particularly childish, exceptionally misguided, as you knew so little about the man. What was it that made you want to be around him anyways? There were plenty of guys you’d met since getting married that were, on paper, worthy of a crush. Successful, kind, good-looking... who knows, maybe if you’d been lonely and desperate and saw one of them hammering nails shirtless in the sun, you’d have been in the same predicament you are now.

And that was exactly why you needed to get your mind off this guy ASAP. You were just projecting your loss onto him. You’d been feeling neglected and unattractive because of everything that had happened with your husband and he had been kind to you. And helpful. And handy in a way your husband had never been. And so devastatingly hot.

He must know, right? you thought to yourself as you took in the scenery, just barely making out grey-ish shadows of mountains in the distance. He must know that he looks like that, and exactly the effect he has on women.

...And a decent portion of men, probably.

The idea of him being overwhelmed with attention of that nature made you feel slightly jealous. He was probably the exact kind of person you weren’t in high school: a heartbreaker. Yes, this was the narrative you needed to keep yourself from falling any further into this crush; you two were sworn natural enemies-- him the heartbreaker, you the heartbroken. A guy like him probably didn’t even give a girl like you the time of day.

Except, he had. He’d been friendly and attentive. Maybe he works for tips or something? Why else would he be giving you any of his energy?

No, that was specifically not the line of thinking you needed at the moment. Does he think about me when I’m not around? Could he think of me as much as I think of him? you found yourself wondering anyways.

Either way, he could never beat me at overthinking, you smiled to yourself. I always win at that one.

You’d almost spent too much time outside; it was nearly too dark to see by the time you made it back to the cottage. Clearly the bustling city had trained you to stay up late, but out here, you had no recourse if the sun set while you were outside without a flashlight.

It was so late, in fact, that Sebastian was nowhere to be found when you passed through the living room— and since he was certainly not working outside with no light to use, you figured he’d gone to bed. By now you knew where his room was, but you’d never seen it. Not that you wanted to. It was none of your business.

Making your way up the stairs, you tried to avoid the creakiest spots in case he was asleep. It wasn’t that late though, he was probably just… doing whatever people do before bed when they don’t have a television. Reading a book, maybe?

You shook your head to no one in particular. You shouldn’t be thinking about him so much. God, having a crush was exhausting.

Oh god, what if he, you know… took care of himself, before bed? It’s a fun way to end the day and wear yourself out for sleep, certainly. You felt your face turning hot just imagining him in such a compromising position. You didn’t even mean to imagine it, it just sort of happened. Maybe right now, just as you were struggling to keep quiet on this rickety old staircase, he was trying to keep quiet as he stroked his cock, the muscles in his arm flexing with each movement, that perfect bottom lip caught between his surprisingly white teeth.

Probably not. But it was a nice thought.

Just as you stepped into your room and shut the door behind you, you thought you saw something in the corner of your eye. Turning to look, you realized that there was a rat running across the floor. With an embarrassingly girlish scream, you ran and jumped on your bed, trying to see where it went while keeping elevated; you know, just in case it tried to run up your leg like in a cartoon or something.

Creaking outside alerted you that someone was running up the stairs. Your door flew open to reveal Sebastian, wearing only pyjama trousers and a very concerned facial expression.

"Este totul în regulă?"

"There's a rat!" you screeched.

"Ce?" he asked with a furrowed brow of confusion.

You tried to explain, but how could you? Pointing to where you saw it last, it was gone, so you turned back-- only to see it running towards him! Screaming again, you pointed to the rodent barreling towards his feet and, finally, he understood.

In fact, he understood your situation better than you realized he would, so much so that he jumped up on the bed with you with a blood-curdling scream of his own.

"Şobolan!" he yelped, and you weren't sure there was room on this bed for two people afraid of rats but here you were anyway.

You both watched it scurry into a corner, and he seemed to relax a little.

"What are we going to do?"

"Stai așa," he said as he raised a finger as if to indicate 'wait', "ma voi intoarce."

He lept from the bed straight to the open doorway and dashed down the stairs. You figured he might come back with a broom or jar, so you were beyond surprised to see him come back with an enormous shotgun, quickly pumping it and bracing the stock against his shoulder.

"Unde este?" he asked quickly, closing one eye to look over the sights.

You nearly screamed your protest. "Jesus, Sebastian! Don't shoot it!"

“Ce vrei sa fac?!” he squawked in reply.

“I don’t know!” you replied. “Just put the gun down!”

He looked a little disappointed but lowered the barrel.

Hearing a squeak and a scurry from the corner of the room, you jumped off of your bed and found yourself hiding behind Sebastian.

“Nu sunt la fel de curajoasă pe cât crezi,” he said as he turned back to look at you.

“I can’t sleep here,” you admitted with a sigh. “We can set a trap in the morning, or hope it escapes on it’s own…” you trailed off, talking mostly to yourself as you made your way back downstairs. Sebastian shut the door quickly with a shudder before following behind you.

You pulled a blanket off of the loveseat as you passed through the living room, dragging it with you to the couch.

“Nu te pot lăsa să dormi pe canapea!” he protested when you laid down and covered yourself with it— after leaning the gun against a wall, thank god. You wondered where it was normally kept for him to have grabbed it so fast.

“I can’t sleep in my room,” you explained.

“Poți să dormi în patul meu,” he announced, pointing down the hall.

“What?”

“Poți să,” he repeated slower, pointing to you, “dormi,” he laid his face on his hands and feigned sleep for a moment, “în patul meu,” he pointed to the hall again.

“There’s another bedroom down the hall?” you asked as you sat up a little, not having realized there was a third bedroom.

“Da,” he nodded with a smile.

You got up, the blanket still wrapped over your shoulders, and followed him to the room down the hall and around the corner.

As he opened the door, you smiled but sighed as you realized you couldn’t sleep in here. The bed was still disturbed from where he’d jumped out of it; there was a picture in a frame by the bed.

“Sebastian, I’m not going to steal your room just because I’m afraid of a probably-harmless rat,” you sighed. “I’ll take the couch—”

You turned to walk back into the living room but his arm across the doorway stopped you.

“Te rog ia-mi patul și voi dormi pe canapea,” he instructed, motioning away from his chest towards the living room to, apparently, indicate he would sleep on the couch in your place.

“I can’t let you—”

He gently grabbed your wrist, getting your attention.

“Nu e nicio problemă,” he soothed. “Noapte bună!”

He basically just shoved you into the room after that, shutting the door behind you. You supposed it was the best option, but you still felt a little guilty that he was being kicked out of his own bed.

You turned and looked at the very bed in question. Realizing you should change the sheets, you began to search the room for a linen closet or chest that might have a spare set.

You weren’t intending to snoop, per se. You really just wanted the sheets… but it was a nice glimpse into the personal life of a man you knew so little about. A room says a lot about someone, of course.

The picture on the bedside table was of a family with a small boy; it looked like it had been taken by an instant camera, the sepia tones evoking a bygone era. You assumed that the boy was Sebastian, considering the faint resemblance. He looked happy, and so did his mother; his father less so, but it seemed stoic more than negative. Next to the photo was a card which rested partially open— thankfully, you couldn’t read it even if you wanted to, but you could also see the signature inside from where you were standing: “Iubesc, Mama.”

You weren’t sure if it meant ‘love’ or ‘sincerely’ or something else, but it made you smile. You figured his mother must miss him with him living in Hungary for work. You wondered if anyone missed you back in London.

A lot of his clothes were strewn in a pile on a chair in the corner. Relatable.

Inside a small white paper box, you found a silver locket— oddly enough, no picture inside. While ignoring the fact that you obviously were snooping because you would never look for queen-size sheets in a white paper box, you wondered why he would have something like that. Maybe it was a relic from a previous relationship, and hopefully not a current one; maybe it was his sister’s or his mother’s. Hell, maybe it was his: you weren’t the sort of person to say a guy couldn’t rock a silver locket. He had the masculinity to spare, surely.

You gave up after searching the closet and the side bathroom and finding no sign of linens. Surprisingly, he owned a lot of shirts. They didn’t seem to get much use. He wouldn’t mind if you stole one to use as pyjamas, right?

Pulling a soft button-up from the hanger, you stripped and changed into it, loving how small you felt with it on. You snuggled up into the sheets and took a deep breath as you realized you were surrounded in the smell of him. Oh, this was a very dangerous game to play. You needed to be avoiding this infatuation, not indulging it by playing girlfriend. It was almost like you two shared this bed, like he would come back any moment and pull you into his arms, kiss you goodnight. You saw the light from the living room go dark through the crack under the door and felt another pang of guilt for his night spent on the old sofa. Maybe in the morning you could convince him to take a day off or something, just so he could relax for once.

Your last thought was of him as you drifted to sleep. You wished you could say that wasn’t true of every other night.

The next morning came early; he slept with the shutters open, something you hadn’t noticed when it was dark out. The sun shined directly into your eyes at about six in the morning.

“Must be an early riser,” you mumbled to yourself as you got up and used the side bathroom, splashing your face to perk yourself up a little. When you left the hallway tentatively in pursuit of breakfast, all that was left of him was a Sebastian-shaped dent in the couch. As you began to make a pot of coffee, you heard someone step into the kitchen behind you.

“Good morning,” you greeted as you turned around and smiled at Sebastian.

“...Cămașă mea,” he realized, pointing to you with raised eyebrows. You glanced down and remembered what you were wearing, feeling yourself blush a little. Maybe you should’ve put on pants…

“Oh, this… yeah, sorry, I hope you don’t mind…”

“Îl porți mai bine decât mine,” he shrugged, and it seemed to be a vague approval, so you kept on making the coffee.

“You want some?” you offered, pointing to him and a mug as he stepped past you and sat at the table.

“Nu, mulțumesc,” he dismissed with a wave of his hand. You nodded and poured your own, sitting across from him and sipping quietly. You hadn’t noticed he was holding a book before; the shirtlessness, as always, distracted from that sort of detail. But now that he pulled it out and continued from where he must have been before, you laughed a little. It was clearly a Romanian translation, but the title was Dracula.

“Isn’t that a little stereotypical?” you giggled.

He looked up from the book at you, and you pointed to it. “Ah, Dracula!” he said.

“Yep, I’ve read that one.”

He made a little hissing noise, holding his fingers up and curling them, and you realized he was doing a vampire impression. You laughed again.

“You don’t make for a convincing vampire, what with the healthy glow and all,” you smirked. “But feel free to bite my neck any time.”

For a second he made a serious, almost shocked face like he had somehow understood what you’d said, and you straightened up from sudden fear. But he only nodded and returned to his book, relieving your anxiety a bit. You realized that just because he didn’t speak English didn’t mean you could say whatever you wanted; maybe you’d given more away than you meant to with your facial expression. Or maybe he really had no idea that you’d said anything notable at all and it was just a coincidence.

Maybe you needed to change out of this man’s shirt before it drove you even more insane.

@mariahthelioness29 @navybrat817 @navegandoaciegas @mandalorianspace @2smittinkittin @maizyistrash (it won’t let me tag you :(( fuck tumblr) @honeygingergemini @msmarvelwrites @honeyloverogers @toozmanykids @dangertoozmanykids101 @fleeingdawn-blog1 @readermia @fanfuckingtastic04

#sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan x you #just a reminder that this is a love actually au... this will come into play again next chapter lmao

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mrs-hatake · 3 years

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The Chronicles of World Famous Detective Hatake Kakashi | Part 1

Pairing: Kakashi x female!reader

Warning: murder, jealousy, alcoholism, womanizing, lowkey toxic relationship.

Word count: 10.6k

A/N: finally! the kakashi fic is here! this is based on the anime series detective conan and it took me like a month to write so i hope you guys will love it! also, a sequel is in the works!

proof reading credit goes to @runeterrankhaleesi

The drive to the beach was...an odd experience. Kakashi thought to himself.

His eldest daughter, Aiko, had been silently bouncing and smiling in her seat throughout the whole ride. It probably had something to do with the person she promised to meet. Kakashi internally groaned at his daughter crushing on some loser but, no matter, he’d just scare him off.

While his youngest son, Sakumo, kept staring at his sister in suspicion. Sakumo was a very observant seven year-old who always managed to find trouble wherever he went. Kakashi briefly wondered if his son would end up being a detective like himself or sign his ass up for the C.I.A. He hoped it was the latter.

As Aiko checked them into the fancy looking hotel with lavish furnishing, Kakashi allowed his eyes to wander the occupants of the hotel. He could feel a tug on the corner of his lips at the sight of beautiful women dressed in cute sundresses and tiny little bathing suits. Perhaps going on a mini vacation during the drought wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Here you go, dad.” Aiko handed him the electronic keycard and Kakashi had to frown.

“Why did you book two different rooms?” He questioned as he scratched the back of his head “Wouldn’t it just be cheaper if you had rented a suite?”

“We wouldn’t want to interfere later on.” His daughter replied with a “not-so-innocent” grin and before Sakumo could call her out on her suspicious behavior, Aiko smacked her hand on his mouth and whispered something into his ear which managed to shut him up. Whatever. This separate room thing wasn’t such a bad idea if he planned on courting some of the cute women he had seen earlier.

“Anyways,” Aiko giggled, “Let’s just hurry up, get changed and go to the beach!”

Kakashi was in heaven.

The women scattered across the beach were simply immaculate. Each of them, different in their own ways. From tall and athletic to short and petite, with the darkest shade of skin to the lightest. This beach had it all and Kakashi couldn’t help but marvel at every single one of them that came within direct vicinity of his eyesight.

“Tada! What do you think dad, I bought this yesterday. Isn’t it cute?” Aiko asked as she showed off her pale pink bathing suit with yellow daisies on it.

“Shhh!” Kakashi hurridy shushed the girl as his sunglasses slid further down his nose “Don’t let the babes know I’m your dad!”

That earned him a glare from Aiko, “And why not?” she crossed her arms across her chest. “It might be a huge turn off!” wailed Kakashi as Aiko continued to glare at him.

“I saw on t.v that women liked dads.” Sakumo silently muttered and Kakashi muttered a cuss word under his breath at his pesky son knowing such information. Of course some women were attracted to men who were fathers-that’s what they’d all say until it was time for them to actually meet his children, but the second he brings it up, they’d all disappear.

“And why do you care what women think?” Aiko raised an eyebrow at her father, as if to challenge him for an answer that didn’t offend her and her fellow women, and to test what kind of man her father truly was.

Before Kakashi could answer though, movement from his peripheral vision caught his attention and he quickly averted his gaze to his left.

A woman dressed in the world’s tiniest pale blue bikini stood hunched over, giving Kakashi a perfect view of her thick ass.

“Fuck me.” Kakashi breathed silently at the mouth watering display.

As if hearing what he had said, the woman stood up straighter and Kakashi instantly froze but couldn’t tear his gaze away from her gorgeous back. Slowly, the woman turned around to face him and Kakashi emitted the shrillest voice in his life “Aaahh!” and nearly toppled over his beach chair.

“Y-Y/N…” His left eye twitched in fear “W-Why are you here?”

“You too?” The woman with long wavy brown locks gasped in surprise “Why?”

“Oh my god, what a surprise!” Interrupted a high pitch voice and the two adults turned to face Aiko who looked as if she had met her two favorite celebrities. While Sakumo stood unimpressed beside her. “Who would’ve thought that the both of you would go to the same beach?”

Y/N sighed in disappointment while Kakashi rubbed the spot between his eyes “Please don’t tell me you did what I think you did, Aiko.”

“We fell for it.” Y/N crossed her arms, looking extremely bothered by the course of events.

But their words fell on deaf ears as Aiko clasped both of her hands and continued to ogle at the two adults.

“Two rooms.” Sakumo simply stated and Aiko’s happiness was shattered and a look of fear took over.

“So that’s why you booked two rooms.” Kakashi muttered in annoyed disbelief. Later, once everyone had changed into their regular clothes, the group were found seated at the hotel’s cafe with a cigarette stuck between Kakashi’s lips as he watched the people pass by.

“I said I’m sorry!” whined Aiko, “Can’t you two get over it.”

Y/N continued to sip her green tea, unbothered by Aiko’s apology. She placed her cup on the table to take a bite from her chocolate tart.

“It would’ve been cute if you had done this when you were ten but you’re seventeen, you’re an adult.” Reprimanded Y/N but she didn’t sound angry, just bored.

Aiko had a guilty expression but quickly managed to switch it to a happier one, “Well, let’s just enjoy ourselves at the beach. The weather’s gorgeous!”

“Well, I was enjoying my time.” Kakashi pulled the cancer stick from between his lips to blow out a grey cloud of smoke “Until an old hag showed up wearing some teen’s bathing suit.” He smirked.

With a raised eyebrow, Y/N rebutted, “Well, at least I’m not a dirty old pervert who shamelessly flirts with any woman who blinked at him.”

Kakashi scowled before shoving the cigarette back into his mouth. Sakumo just continued to eat his blueberry muffin, seemingly unbothered by the whole ordeal.

“Mom, don’t say that.” Aiko laughed awkwardly as she tried to defuse the tension.

But Kakashi slamming his hands on the table startled her “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Dad, wait!” Aiko called out for him but it was of no use. Awkwardly, she turned to face her mother “He’s probably being shy since you haven’t seen each other in such a long time.” She ended her statement with a choppy laugh.

“Maybe.” Y/N took a sip from her green tea “I just see him as some perverted old man who can’t own up to his own mistakes.” She then picked up her fork to take another piece of her chocolate tart and that’s when Aiko finally noticed something.

“Why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring?” She asked with a sad tone of voice. Sakumo said nothing but his eyes betrayed him. He was just as curious as his older sister.

Y/N looked down at her hand in disinterest, as if she was staring at a fly going on about its daily life. “Hmm? I took it off.” She replied. A lazy smile tugged on her lips as she explained “I wanted to see if he noticed or not.”

“So you still love him!” Aiko shouted in glee, unbothered by the annoyed glares sent her way by the other patrons of the cafe.

Y/N gently shook her head as she brought her hand closer to her face “Yes...and no.”

“Huh?”

“I told myself if he had noticed then I would’ve believed that there was hope for us. And if he didn’t then…” Y/N didn’t finish her sentence but it was clear what she wanted to say.

Which is why Aiko looked so upset as she yelled “Mom! You can’t be serious!”

Y/N simply shrugged at her daughter’s outburst “We’ve been together for the past hour now and he still hasn’t noticed.” She muttered.

“Maybe he did!” Aiko quickly defended her father, desperately holding onto the thin thread which held her family together.

“See, that’s the thing.” Y/N rested her hands on her lap as she turned to face her daughter “I’m tired of living life of what-ifs. I’m halfway through forty and it’s about time I wrap up this whole separation thing properly, with a divorce.” It was a harsh thing to say to her seventeen year old daughter but Y/N was exhausted. “Maybe even find myself a better man.”

“Mom!”

Y/N paid her daughter no mind and averted her gaze to her youngest child “Don’t you dare end up like your father, Sakumo.”

The silver haired year old wasn’t sure what his mother was saying but he nodded his head nonetheless. He didn’t know what kind of man his father was but he knew he didn’t want to be someone who was loud and noisy and would only wake up at noon. He would miss his Sunday morning cartoons if he did that.

Y/N’s phone brightened at the arrival of a new message, making Aiko comment on the time “Dad’s been gone for a while now. I wonder if he’s okay.”

Y/N shrugged, “Probably fell into the arms of some woman who laughed at his stupid jokes at the beach.”

Aiko scowled at her mother, “Why do you think so lowly of dad?”

Suddenly, a loud burst of laughter startled them. The trio turned their gaze to the entrance of the cafe and, lo and behold, Kakashi stood with two starstruck young women who appeared to be just a few years older than Aiko.

Y/N gave her daughter a look, as if to say “see”.

“I can’t believe the world famous detective Hatake Kakashi is staying at the same hotel as us!” One of the young women, with short blonde hair, gushed.

“Right? All the girls in class are gonna be so jealous!!” The other taller girl agreed, her iPhone clutched tightly between her fingers.

“We’re so lucky!” Giggled the blonde which caused Kakashi to laugh in glee at the way the women openly praised and admired him.

“I’m the lucky one to have such beautiful fans like yourselves.” He added a wink to his statement which had the girls squeal in delight at such a caringly display of fanservice.

Irritated by her husband’s adolescent behavior, Y/N shoved her chair back and stood up “Just as I thought.”

“No, wait, mom!” Aiko rushed to grab her mother’s arm to prevent her from leaving. “He probably ran into his fans on his way back! He’s just being nice.”

Gently, Y/N pulled back her arm and placed her hand on her hip, “Then how do you explain all that sand on his legs?”

Shocked, Aiko turned to face her dad and emitted a sound of disappointment.

“He supposedly washed up when we got back from the beach but his legs are covered in sand.” Y/N wondered aloud “I bet you he spotted one of those young women lying on the sand and he offered to rub sunblock on their backs. Though, I wonder if he brought them back here to show them off and make me jealous?” She snorted.

And for once, Aiko was at a loss for words. So, instead, she got up from her chair and marched up all the way to her father and harshly pinch his ear.

“Ow!” He yelled as he desperately tried to free himself from his daughter’s clutches “What do you think you’re doing?!”

“What are you doing?” Aiko asked instead as she finally let go.

Rubbing his ear to sooth the pain, Kakashi answered, “These two lovely women are part of my fanclub!” He gestured to his right before facing them “Let me introduce you to my family.” He said with a charming smile.

Aiko glared at the trio’s backs as they made their way to their table. Her plan of reuniting her parents and being a family was ruined thanks to these two women and her dad’s insanely high libido. She silently followed after them.

“Let me introduce you to the ladies first.” Kakashi had this lovesick expression and Aiko wanted to wipe it off of his face “The one with the blonde hair is Yumiko and the taller one is Fuyumi.”

Fuyumi offered a small wave while Yumiko grinned at them. She then noticed Sakumo munching away at his muffin, disinterested at the situation at hand, and pinched his cheek, “What a cute little boy!”

Sakumo just pulled away from the college student and rubbed his throbbing cheek. Aiko sniggered. There’s one thing that her brother hated the most in his life and that was being touched without his consent.

“Is he your son?” The blonde asked. To which Kakashi proudly nodded.

“He sure is. He takes after his handsome father!” He laughed loudly.

Aiko scoffed on her mother’s behalf “I’m his daughter, Aiko.” She introduced, hoping her mean demeanor would ward off the two women.

“It’s nice to meet you, Aiko.” Yumiko offered a friendly smile.

“And what about her?” Fuyumi asked in polite curiosity.

Kakashi briefly glanced to where Y/N was sitting and lazily gestured at her, “That’s Y/N. My-”

“His ex-wife.”

Yumiko looked surprised as she asked “You got divorced?!”

Before Y/N could respond, Aiko held her hands up and hurriedly explained “It was a joke!”

Kakashi pulled a cigarette stick from his packet and stuck it between his lips “Well, she’s not really joking. We’re halfway there.”

Out of nowhere, a hand was tightly clasped onto Kakashi’s shoulder “Oi, pervert!” A voice growled from behind “How dare you flirt with my fiance?”

Had Kakashi been younger and his previous self, the man would’ve received a suckerpunch to the jaw. Instead, Kakashi simply freed his shoulder and stepped a few ways to the side, “First of all, I wasn’t flirting with Fuyumi, it was Yumiko.” He huffed a ringlette of grey smoke “Second, I’m the famous detective Hatake Kakashi.” Instantly, the man’s demeanor changed as his lips were stretched upwards in delight “Really? I thought you looked familiar, I’m a big fan!”

Kakashi said nothing, brushing imaginary dust off of his shoulder.

“Hey! You guys wanna have lunch with us?” Yumiko suggested.

Before Aiko could turn down the blonde’s offer as she already had made reservations for a table for two at some restaurant she read online that was suitable for couples, her father instantly accepted Yumiko’s offer “We sure do!”

Lunch was a lively event filled with high pitched laughter from the young women and drunken guffaws from Kakashi as he entertained the young college women with stories of his youth during the police academy days.

The two gentlemen with the young women asked the now private detective everything they wanted to know about the thrilling and dangerous life of a former police officer turned detective. From types of guns to how did dead bodies look in real life and just how accurate were movies and t.v shows, they asked them all.

Y/N, however, just held onto her mist covered drink of lukewarm coke as she tuned out the giggle of the women that were half her age and blocked the image of a blushing Kakashi. Despite Fuyumi being engaged, she didn’t mind being extra friendly with the silver haired detective. Ridiculous.

Aiko watched the adults with a mix of worry and embarrassment in her eyes. She was worried about her mother and how she’s silently handling the situation at hand. It was no secret that her father was a shameless womanizer and the biggest drunk in all of Japan. Aiko was also embarrassed by her father making a fool out of himself just to hear the melodic praises falling from the young women’s luscious lips.

Sakumo seemed unbothered by the whole ordeal as he continued to eat his Kid’s Meal and observed the people occupying the restaurant. It was a hobby of his, to people watch and try to memorize every little detail in his surroundings. An unusual hobby for a seven year old, yes, but the Hatake family embraced it with open arms.

“I still can’t believe you’re all in the same scuba diving club.” Kakashi stated after gulping down half of his jug of beer.

“Yeah, we formed the club during our freshman year in college.” A young man with a middle part spoke. He was named Akira and he was engaged to Fuyumi. Akira had a happy-go-lucky kind of attitude and he was always smiling. “We all went diving earlier today.” Kakashi had a shit eating grin as he stated, “Then I guess today was your last day to enjoy the single life as divers since you and Fuyumi are getting married next week.”

“Dad!” Aiko hissed by Kakashi ignored her.

Akira smiled bashfully at the detective “We’re actually going again tomorrow. We’re kind of hoping that this tradition will continue even after we’re married.” He glanced at his future wife before he looked away with a tint of a red blush on his cheeks.

“Oh?” Kakashi lifted an eyebrow “I’ll give you two months before you change your mind. Marriage life is no walk in the park.”

Aiko, appalled by her father’s words, kicked him under the table which caused the silver haired man to hiss in pain. When he glared at his daughter, she just harrumphed at him and looked away.

“Now, now, Aiko. There’s no need to be upset.” Y/N spoke after not having said a single word for the past hour “Marriage life isn’t for everyone and some people are jealous of what other people have so they try to rain on their parade.” She gave a sly glance at Kakashi who just looked away in annoyance.

Sensing the tension, Yumiko redirected the topic of their conversation back to the diving club, “The big issue was getting Akira to join the diving club!” She chuckled, “That dork couldn’t swim whatsoever!”

Kakashi blinked at her “Can’t swim? Wouldn’t he drown?”

But the short haired woman just shook her head at him, “Nope!”

Akira’s friend, Tango, then added, “Even if you can’t swim, you just need to dive. After all, there is an oxygen tank attached.” And jugged down the remaining of his beer.

“All Akira can do is float ever since we were kids.” Fuyumi giggled behind her hand while her fiance whined at her with a cute little blush.

“Eh, since you were kids?” Aiko blinked at the couples with eyes which twinkled in excitement, “Then does that mean you were childhood friends?”

The two looked at the teen “Yeah.” Fuyumi replied. “We were.”

“Woah!” The twinkle of excitement in her eyes intensified “From childhood friends to a married couple, how romantic! That’s exactly like mom and dad!” She gushed as she not so subtly sneaked glances at her parents to agree with her.

“Childhood friends, huh?” Kakashi snorted “I wonder what sick bastard had fooled so many young couples by romanticizing such a notion when it’s nothing but a complete nightmare.”

Y/N tucked a lock of hair behind her ear “Only childhood friends stupid enough to actually carry out their childish fantasies and marry their friends know of such trauma.”

Kakashi then faced the soon-to-be-husband-and-wife “Well, this doesn’t concern you. However-” He then fished out his business card from his front pocket “If you ever doubted your wife’s faithfulness and wanted someone to trail after her…” He didn’t finish his sentence and instead slid his card across the table.

Instantly, another card was placed next to it as Y/N informed the couple of her assistance as a divorce lawyer “If you happened to get a divorce and you wanted to milk your husband dry of all of his money then feel free to contact me and I’ll be more than happy to help!”

The two separated couples engaged in a heated glaring contest as they both shoved their business cards into the young couple’s faces. Unaware of the uneasy atmosphere they’ve created nor the look of embarrassment and sadness masking their daughter’s expression.

Even young Sakumo felt his stomach drop at his parents’ words, even though he didn’t fully understand what they were saying. All that he knew was that his parents didn’t like each other and they wanted other people to be like them. Alone and miserable.

It was at that moment that Toga decided to awkwardly clear his throat and ask, “By the way, whatever happened to Tadashi? Haven’t seen him since this morning.”

Akira used that moment to break eye contact with the glaring duo and turned to face Toga, thankful to have an excuse to change topics “He went snorkeling.”

“Snorkeling?” Kakashi asked, a new jug of beer in his hand. “Isn’t it bad if you went snorkeling without eating?”

It was Yumiko who decided to answer, “Yeah, he's a bit of a weirdo like that. Honestly, it’s like watching over a five year old.” She chuckled.

The college friends all laughed as they pictured an image in their head of their friend, Tadashi, throwing a temper tantrum because he had to get out of the ocean to eat but, instead, stubbornly remained in the water and continued his activities.

Things died down after that. Toga and Kakashi were discussing about dogs and which products were best suitable for them while Aiko asked her mother if she and Sakumo could get dessert.

“Hey, Yumiko.” At her name being called, the short haired college student looked up from her phone and into Fuyumi’s pleading eyes “Sorry, but could you please fetch me a towel from our room?”

“Huh?” Before Yumkio could question her friend and her request, Fuyumi pushed back her chair and stood up from her seat.

“Where are you going?” Her fiance asked with slight concern lacing his voice.

“Getting a little bit bored so I thought I should go diving again before the sun sets.” She answered as she pulled down her shorts and revealed her yellow bikini bottom.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You just had a heavy lunch.” Yumiko worried her bottom lip as she tried, without success, to stop her best friend.

Fuyumi waved her off “I’m fine.” And placed her goggles over eyes “I won’t take long!” And with that, she rushed out into the sand and jumped into the sea.

The remaining occupants had remained at the restaurant. Choosing to wait for their heavy lunch to digest before they went swimming again.

Akira had joined Toga and Kakashi’s conversation on dogs and dog care before switching to their favorite female celebrities while Aiko texted away on her phone, to her school crush no doubt.

Y/N was staring out at sea, lost in her thoughts.

Whenever she would encounter happy and healthy married couples, she often found her mind wandering off over the same topic. What would her life be like if her parents hadn’t moved from the Middle East all the way to Japan for work when she was just two years old.

Would she have found love in a different man? A happier and more memorable marriage? Or would she fall in love with Kakashi at some point in her life despite being on different sides of the planet, chained by the heavy shackles of the red string of fate?

She stole a glance at her tipsy husband and scoffed silently. If she were to be fated to Kakashi in another life, she hoped that his personality would be better than what it is currently. It would be cruel of the universe to have her be paired up with a drunken womanizer, again.

It was an hour before sunset that Sakumo had lifted his head from his Nintendo switch at the sound of crashing waves and announced “The sea is angry.”

Aiko ruffled his white tuft of hair as Akira stood up from his seat and trailed his eyes over the occupants of the beach “I don’t see Fuyumi. I hope she’s alright.”

“Oh, Tadashi!” Yumiko suddenly gaped and began to wave at someone coming from behind Kakashi “You made it!”

Tadashi, a tall man with a tanned skin, laughed boisterously “I sure did and I’m starving!”

Yumiko just shook her head at him “Sit down and grab a menu.”

“Okay, mom.” Tadashi did as told and that’s when he asked “Where’s Fuyumi?”

“She went diving.” Akira responded.

And right at that moment, a scream could be heard coming from the sea. All heads turned towards the sound and were shocked to see Fuyumi struggling to keep afloat.

“Oh my god!” Akira yelled, “She’s drowning!” And rushed to save her but was pulled back by Toga.

“You idiot!” Shouted Toga as he shook the panicking Akira “You can’t swim! You’ll get yourself killed!”

Aiko, Yumiko and Tadashi chose that moment to run past them and jump into the sea and swim to where Fuyumi was to save her.

Once they were safe on land, it was discovered that a poisonous snake had bitten Fuyumi. After having a lengthy and angry discussion with the hotel manager, it was discovered that the snake that bit Fuyumi was not a native of the sea and was brought or purchased by someone.

“Wait, you’re not trying to say-” Yumiko gasped and covered her mouth with her hands as her eyes widened in shock.

“Are you saying that someone tried to murder Fuyumi?” Belowed Tadashi as he slammed his fsit on the counter.

Toga was on the phone talking to Akira who had went to the hospital with his fiance once the ambulance had been called.

“Hatake-san!” the young college student grabbed onto the detective’s arm as her honey colored eyes rapidly filled with unshed tears “Please!”

She didn’t have to say anything else as Kakashi had already suspected foul play. He didn’t frequent this kind of beach but something Aiko had mentioned earlier had troubled him. “There was something around the snake’s neck, like a pair of wings.” She said when the hotel manager had pulled out a book of all the animals habitating the beach. She had found a picture of the snake that had looked like the one that was swimming near where Fuyumi was drowning.

“That’s impossible.” The hotel manager stressed, “This type of snake couldn’t grow wings, nor did any other snake!”

“Maybe it was seaweed stuck to its head?” Yumiko guessed once she stood next to Aiko to get a closer look at the picture.

“Seaweed or wings, I’m impressed that you’re able to remember the tiniest detail. Well, I expect nothing less from the daughter of a world famous detective!” Kakashi had bragged with a wide grin stretched across his face.

“Oh, is that so?” Y/N spoke. She brought her hand up to her face as she examined it in what looked like boredom. “World famous detective but you failed to notice the missing ring on your wife’s finger.”

Kakashi however paid her no mind and decided to console a distressed Yumiko.

Y/N rolled her eyes at her husband’s carelessness while Aiko shook her head at her parents’ childish antics.

It took almost half a day for Kakashi to solve the attempted murder case. After hours of intensive research and careful observation, he had deduced that Yumiko was the one who attempted to kill Fuyumi.

After he had explained how Yumiko had managed to hide the snake in her room, bring it with her when Fuyumi had asked her to bring her a towel and then attached the snake to attack Fuyumi when they went to save her, the young college woman broke down.

Yumiko confessed that she was extremely jealous of Fuyumi because she was in love with Akira. She was enraged when Fuyumi had asked for her help to come up with a plan where Fuyumi pretended to drown and see if Akira would risk his life to save her. Knowing that Akira couldn’t swim and could actually die from this stupid scheme, she knew she had to get rid of Fuyumi.

Luckily, no one had died in the end. Fuyumi woke up later that night and had apologized to Yumiko and had confessed to being selfish for abusing Akira’s love.

With tears rolling down her cheeks, Yumiko whispered an apology and was quietly escorted to the police station where she would pay the price for her crime.

“Your deduction is as incredible as always!” Aiko, despite the horrific incident which had occurred earlier in the day, looked positively radiant. “You easily solved the case!”

“Hmph,” Aiko and Kakashi both turned to face Y/N, one with a confused expression while the other looked annoyed “You managed to solve that case easily but you have yet to notice that I’m not wearing my wedding ring. How thoughtless.”

Kakashi let out a long sigh and shoved his hand down his pocket to fish out a diamond band tossing it to Y/N “I found your stupid ring. Now quit bugging me about it.”

With a shocked expression, Y/N hurriedly reached out to snatch the ring midair “You found it...how?”

Kakashi stuffed his pinky finger into his ear “I found it under the beach umbrella you were using.” He answered with a monotone voice.

“But how did you know I dropped it?” Y/N asked in a quiet tone of voice “How do you know I didn’t intentionally leave it at home or sold it?”

Kakashi sighed yet again “Stupid.” He then crossed his arms, “You were wearing your glasses even though you’ve repeatedly stated you hated wearing your glasses at the beach. And since you’re nearsighted, I knew you were looking for something since it's not uncommon for people to lose their accessories at the beach.”

“Ah!” Aiko’s eyes grew wide in realization “Is that why your legs were covered in sand when you returned to the restaurant? You were searching for mom’s ring, weren’t you?”

“It’s not like I had any other choice. Your mom wouldn’t stop waving her left hand around and kept using her left hand even though she was right handed.”

A blush quickly appeared on Y/N’s cheeks “I couldn’t help it. I just wanted your-”

At that moment, a group of young women squealing Kakashi’s name appeared “Hatake Kakashi! Can we have your autograph?”

Instantly, Y/N’s blush disappeared and a scowl appeared on her face at the way her husband made a fool out of himself in front of the young women. Not wanting to hurt herself anymore, turned in her heels and made her way through the hotel exit.

“Wait, mom!” Aiko called out after her mother but Y/N refused to stop “Dad, mom’s leaving!” Kakashi, however, was too engrossed by his beautiful fans to listen to Aiko.

“Stupid.” Sakumo commented and Aiko couldn’t help but agree.

The next time the Hatake family had a second encounter with Y/N was a couple of months later. Summer was about to end and fall was just around the corner. Wanting to take advantage of the remaining summer days, Aiko had reserved a weekend getaway at some three star hotel in the next town over.

The trio had spent the whole morning at the pool. Sakumo played with the other kids while Aiko laid on a pool raft to get a nice tan for her body. Kakashi, on the other hand, sat on a beach chair and shamelessly ogled at all the attractive looking women surrounding him.

Aiko, who had just exited the pool to drink her hourly bottle of water to keep herself hydrated, had spotted her dad’s lustful gaze and flung her towel right in her face. The icy glare she had received from her father did nothing to frighten her or crumble her annoyed demeanor.

“We’re leaving!” The young teenger commanded, leaving no room for arguments.

His mood ruined, Kakashi just heaved out a sigh and followed after his daughter who waved at his youngest to join them. It was nearing lunch time anyway and he was practically starving.

“Don’t you feel bad for mom?” Aiko asked for the billionth time. The trio had already had their lunch and were at the hotel mall for a quick shopping spree. She didn’t stop asking the same exact question ever since they had exited the pool.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, seeming unbothered by his daughter’s reprimanding. “Besides, it’s not like she hasn’t been on a few dates of her own. It’s only natural after all.” Kakashi’s chuckle of amusement of him picturing his wife going on multiple dates which turned into royal disasters was cut short when he ran into Sakumo.

“Mom.” Following his son’s finger which was pointed to the left, Kakashi’s amusement vanished from his face at the sight before him. His expression turned into one of surprise at her sudden appearance before it quickly turned sour.

Y/N was in the men’s section of some designer store that Kakashi couldn’t pronounce its name. She was a pale blue sundress that made her eyes pop. Her hair was let loose in elegant curls and a tiny bit of makeup adorned her face. In her right hand was a maroon colored bowtie while her left hand held another necktie in a dark shade of blue. She was showing both neckties to some man Kakashi had never seen before. The bright smile she displayed didn’t sit well with him whatsoever.

A little voice at the back of his head reminded him that Y/N was a grown woman and she was allowed to see whoever she wanted to see. Regardless if it was in a romantic manner or not. And as his silver wedding ring that he wore in a thin thread around his neck reminded him, the two of them were separated for the time being so he had no say in the matter. Even when they aren’t technically divorced, they both have the right to do whatever they want. So, seeing her with another man shouldn’t bother him. Just as he had managed to calm himself down and convince himself to walk away, Aiko chose that moment to barge into the store, all high and mighty “Mom!”

The two adults were so surprised by Aiko’s sudden outburst that they literally jumped in fright. Kakashi withheld his snigger because he didn’t want to appear as petty.

“Aiko? Sakumo? What are you guys doing here?” Y/N asked after calming down from her little fright.

“Don’t I get a greeting?” Kakashi’s left eye twitch in annoyance. Maybe he should be petty afterall since that’s how his wife is playing it.

Wanting to avoid the prying eyes of the other patrons, Y/N rushed everyone to the hotel’s restaurant located on the rooftop.

Once everyone was seated and their orders were placed, the Hatake family wouldn’t stop staring at Y/N and her...accompanying friend.

“So, mom. You didn’t tell me you had a new friend.” Aiko’s voice had a hint of accusation. As a mother, Y/N shouldn’t feel intimidated by her children or her husband’s strong gazes.

“Kaori-kun offered to accompany me while I shop and wait for our other lawyer friends. He works at the firm with me and he’s new and unfamiliar with the area.” The sweat drop didn’t help Y/N in appearing innocent whatsoever.

“Kaori-kun?” Kakashi’s mutter went unnoticed. His cigarette dangling between his lips as he took a deep inhale and puffed out grey ringlets “So, is he your new boy toy or something?”

A flush of anger tinted Y/N’s cheeks as she glared at her former husband, “He’s a friend.” She spat. Though, Kakashi still appeared unconvinced.

“Then what’s with the necktie you were buying earlier?” A sharp tone took his words and Y/N briefly wondered what Kakashi was thinking. Even though they’ve been separated for the past three years, she still knew Kakashi like the back of her hand. It’s just that, she had never seen Kakashi act this way before.

“A friend of mine asked me to run this errand for her.” Y/N calmly explained, trying not to let Kakashi’s earlier remark get to her. “And since I’m not familiar with men’s wear, I was asking for Kaori-kun’s opinion.”

Kaori, although appearing awkward by the whole ordeal or the fact that he felt intimidated by Kakashi’s glare, nodded his head in agreement. “Though, I really thought it was Y/N-sepnai’s shy way of buying me a present.”

“Kaori-kun!” Y/N gaped and could feel the blush rapidly growing on her cheeks. She glanced at Kakashi and was surprised to see his dark expression directed at Kaori. Aiko was no help either as she, too, glared at her colleague. Sakumo, bless his soul, was playing games on his phone. Unbothered and uninterested by the situation at hand.

Thankfully, the waitress chose that time to place their beverages on the table and for once in the past eight years which had led to their separation, Y/N noticed that Kakashi didn’t spare a single glance at the waitress despite the flirtatious looks she was giving him.

Shortly after the waitress had left, the glares were still strong and the awkward silence was suffocating. Y/N twirled her straw in her virgin pina colada, too tensed by the silence to really do anything.

Thankfully, a high pitched voice interrupted the maddening silence “There you are!” And a woman with shoulder length hair appeared with a delighted smile, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you two!”

“Michiko-chan.” Y/N sighed in relief. If Michiko had arrived, then her other friends were here and her and Kaori could easily excuse themselves to another table and escape those harsh and judgemental glares from her family.

“Come on, your highness. The rest are waiting!” Michiko tugged at Y/N’s arm to pull her up from her chair but Sakumo’s words caused her to halt.

“Highness?” He asked with a tilt of his head.

“You didn’t know, little boy.” The brown haired woman smiled down at him, “Y/N-senpai is the reigning queen of the judicial branch. Her icy demeanor and debatable skills are envied and admired by many, if not all lawyers and judges in this city. Earning her the rightful title: Queen of Lawyers.”

Aiko and Sakumo gaped at their mother in awe. They were well aware that their mother was a lawyer but they didn’t know just how successful she truly was. They were seeing her in a new light and their respect for her increased tenfold.

“Stop it already.” Y/N muttered as she shyly took a sip from her drink. “You guys are the only ones who call me that.”

“Actually, the police call you that too.” A tall and broad man with a buzzcut spoke up behind Michiko “They’d rather take a bullet than disappoint you.” He sniggered to himself.

Kakashi’s expression soured as he put out his dying cigarette and lit up a newer one.

“But, Y/N might be facing some competition.” Aiko blinked at the handsome man, “Eh, what do you mean?”

“Well, Michiko-chan is our up and coming lawyer who has yet to lose a case. If Y/N is the queen then Michiko-chan is the princess.”

“Heiji.” Y/N whined at the taller man, her blush from earlier intensified making it more prominent and difficult to miss.

“It’s the truth, senpai.” Michiko smiled at her colleague, “Though, I could only hope to be as successful and as beautiful as you. I’ve got a long road ahead of me!” The two other men laughed and threw in a word or two of encouragement for Michiko, all the while Y/N continued to blush and Kakashi continued to glare.

“But that’s nothing compared to the success of the famous detective Hatake Kakashi.” Michiko turned to face the detective and batted her eyes at the man “I’m a big fan.”

Kakashi shrugged, “I’m just a humble man married to an arrogant queen.” The glare Y/N sent his way did not phase him.

“Forgive me,” Y/N spoke with a lazy smile, “I may be arrogant but at least I wasn’t stupid enough to remain with a manwhore of a detective who couldn’t say no to a pair of tits and good booze.”

“Moth-er!” but the two ignored their daughter’s outburst as they laughed in haughtiness at their own jabs against each other.

It was Kaori who cut in into their mocking laughter, “Oh, come on, senpai. Don’t act like you hate the guy!” Before Y/N could stop him from saying anything further, he continued, “You literally have a scrapbook of every last article regarding Hatake-san’s cases.”

Kakashi’s demeanor relaxed and his gaze softened while his wife lightly smacked her younger colleague, “Kaori-kun!”

Seeing that both of her parents had stopped fighting and not wanting to miss this opportunity of getting her parents back together, Aiko helpfully added, “That’s just like dad!” Her mother turned to face her in surprise with panicky eyes, “Dad secretly reads all the articles about mom’s cases every night before bed.”

“Oi, Aiko!” But the young girl ignored her father’s outburst. Too pleased with herself for exposing her dad’s “not-so-secret” secret.

“Well, in that case, “Heiji interrupted, “How about we all have dinner together?”

The couple were too shy to turn down the tall lawyer’s offer and simply nodded their heads as they stared down at their table. Later that night, when everyone had too much to eat to the point of a stomach ache and too much to drink to be able to walk on their two feet without wobbling, Y/N had had just about enough with dinner.

In the three years she had been separated and tolerating Aiko’s schemes of reuniting her with her husband, Y/N finally allowed herself to hope that she could see a future with her still married and deeply in love with Kakashi. That they were back as a healthy and loving family. She allowed herself to spread her wings and fly to her dreams only to come crashing down in fire flames at the shitshow that was occuring before her tired eyes.

“Michiko-chan, how about I become your boyfriend?” Kakashi slurred happily, his arm draped around the lawyer princess’s shoulder.

“H-Hatake-san.” Michicko chanced a glance at her senpai and almost leapt from her skin at the murderous glare she was receiving from Y/N.

“You’re much cuter than someone I know.”

“Dad!” Aiko whined and frantically tried to stop her father from further embarrassing himself, her mother and everyone else at the table.

Silently, Y/N shouldered her purse and made her way towards the exit of the restaurant. So much for the weekend getaway with her co-workers. If she had known that she would run into Kakashi and her family, then she would’ve turned down Heiji’s offer and spared herself the heartache of seeing Kakashi making a fool out of himself at any woman who bats their eyes at him.

“Mom!” Y/N didn’t bother to reply to her daughter as she chased after her “Wait up!” And continued her way to her bedroom for some shut eye and to forget this night had ever happened.

“Don’t get mad at dad! You know how he is when he gets drunk.” Aiko tried to defend her father with her endless list of excuses but that didn’t stop Y/N from walking her way to her room. “And today you were with another man...buying a necktie.”

Y/N let out a heavy sigh, “It’s for your father.”

“What?” Aiko blinked at her mother. She watched with watery eyes as her mother rummaged her purse and pulled a long and rectangular box wrapped in a baby blue paper wrap.

“Tomorrow's our anniversary.” Y/N faced her daughter

“I feel so stupid buying something for that asshole.” Y/N explained, “I’m so angry at myself for being so weak. For not being able to get over your dad and move on. For holding onto that tiny glimmer of hope. I’m so stupid.” Y/N desperately tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill.

“Then why didn’t you?” Aiko asked, unaware of the harshness in her eyes.

“I felt sorry for you and Sakumo.” Y/N offered a weak smile, “I thought that maybe I would forgive him when I see him tomorrow when I drop by his office. After our trip to the beach, I honestly thought that maybe he had changed. Guess I was wrong.”

“Mom, you should be more understanding dad went through a lot-” Aiko stopped herself at the sound of her mother’s scoff.

“Understanding? You want me to be more understanding?” Aiko’s throat tightened up at the sheen layer of tears in her mother’s eyes “I was more than understanding, Aiko. I was there for him when Rin and Obito died. I was there for him when the police station fired him due his lack of displence and incompetency-showing up to work hungover, drinking on the job and failing to solve any of the cases assigned to him. I was there for him.”

Y/N didn’t mean to glare at her daughter but the memories of that dark period in her life was very painful “I put up with your father’s downfall, pushed through Sakumo’s birth and supported my newborn child and grieving husband and I wouldn’t have mind continuing, Aiko. Really, I wouldn’t have. I was willing to put up with his drunken ass even though he knows how I feel about alcohol. But coming home drunk smelling like another woman? I couldn’t-” Her choked sob ripped through Aiko’s heart “He never cheated. Your father isn’t that heartless but that didn’t mean he didn’t stare at any woman in his line of vision. Didn’t stop him from making a flirtatious remark or two.”

There was a long stretch of silence. Y/N was trying to collect herself and stop the tears from flowing, slowing down her breathing. Aiko on the other hand was unpacking all of the emotional baggage of her mother. She never thought to stop and think how her mother was feeling. At a very young age, she didn’t notice the strain in her parents’ relationship. All that she knew was that one moment her mother was studying her court cases and seeing her father off before he went to work and the next, her mother stormed off with tears flowing down her cheeks with two suitcases in each hand. After that, she had to step in and take over the role of a mother. It wasn’t easy.

“I’m sorry.” Aiko whispered, gaze downcast as she held back her tears “I was ignorant and only focused on dad. I didn’t know that you were hurting just as much.”

“It’s fine.” Y/N sniffled, “It isn’t something you should burden yourself with.”

“You’re wrong.” The teenager finally stared into her mother’s eyes, “I should be involved in this. You’re my parents and I love you both!”

“Aiko.” Y/N sighed, not sure how to get past her daughter’s stubbornness.

Suddenly, Aiko snatched the box from her mother’s hand-ignoring her little yelp of protest-and stared at her mother with fiery determination, “I’ll give it to dad for you if you’re too scared.”

“Hold it right there!” Her mother said sternly. Her lips were stretched downwards into a frown that Aiko was certain that her mother often wore in the courtroom to appear more professional. “I understand that you want to help but I should be the one who’s going to give him the present.”

Y/N was becoming impatient and was regretting purchasing the stupid tie and giving into her daughter’s schemes of rekinlding her and Kakashi’s love. After that whole scene in the hallway, the two had returned to the restaurant only to find it empty. Save for little Sakumo who was watching a video on his phone.

“Did everyone leave?” Aiko asked and almost perfectly mirrored her mother’s frown at her father’s negligence.

“Dad said he was feeling tired and wanted to sleep.” Meaning that Kakashi was very drunk and wanted to sleep it off.

Sighing, Aiko picked up Sakumo in her arms, “He’s probably in his room. Let’s give him his present and call it a night.”

Kakashi’s room was empty. After knocking on his door for nearly ten minutes, Y/N decided that he must not be in. She asked Aiko if she could open the door with her card key but the two had booked two separate rooms.

With a taste of bile in the back of her throat, the trio decided to see if Kakashi was still with Michiko.

“I’m sorry to bother you so late,” Y/N’s eyes were wide in worry. “But have you seen my husband?”

Michiko glanced over her shoulders, “I don’t think so?” She replied as she opened the door even more, as if to show Y/N that she was completely alone. “Is something wrong?”

“Our dad’s missing!” Aiko stated, Sakumo nodding his head in agreement. He looked just as concerned as his mother. “We’ve checked everywhere but we couldn’t find him.”

“Maybe he was walking around and fell asleep somewhere?” Michiko tried to help with her optimism which Aiko was grateful for.

When the trio had walked away, a wicked smirk etched its way across Michiko’s lips as she quietly closed her door.

Sorry, Y/N. Michiko thought to herself as she walked further into her room, The only way that could beat you is if I became you. The only thing I need is…

In her bed slept a drunken detective with his silver hair tousled across the pillow, his snores were loud and deep.

The chuckle Michiko emitted was one of cruelty.

If your husband was discovered in my bed, you’ll be devastated and too heartbroken to be at the top of your game. And that’s when I’ll swoop in and steal your crown as the Queen of Lawyers.

The trio had literally searched everywhere; the lobby, the park, the swimming pool and Y/N’s lawyer friends but Kakashi was nowhere to be found. Y/N’s was beginning to panic, thinking that something bad might have happened. Like a vengeful criminal she had sent to jail had murdered her husband in revenge.

Upon seeing Y/N’s expression of distress, Heiji and Kaori decided to help with her search for Kakashi despite it being close to midnight.

After searching for nearly two hours, Kakashi’s search party decided to ask Michiko for her help. Hoping that Kakashi might have gone to her room in his drunken haze.

“Do not disturb.” The adults heard Sakumo read the sign on the door. “It wasn’t there before.”

Heiji chuckled, “She probably went to bed and didn’t want anyone to disturb her.” And ruffled his silky silver locks.

“You don’t think…” Kaori muttered to himself. But Aiko had heard him and couldn’t help but to glare at him. She had never liked the man since the second she had him with her mother.

Y/N probably heard Kaori’s mumble as she had pulled out her phone from her purse and dialed Kakashi’s number with a heavy scowl on her face.

Two seconds later, the ringing of a phone came from behind Michiko’s door. Anger flashed in Y/N’s eyes but she quickly composed herself. “That’s Kakashi’s phone. I’m sure of it.”

“N-No.” Aiko looked closed to tears.

“Kaori-kun, please run to the front desk and get a spare card key.” Y/N instructed

After the hotel employee had scanned the card car, Y/N opened the door but was stopped by the keychain. “It’s locked.” She tried to get a closer look at the inside of the room and what she saw had her screaming at the top of her head.

“Y/N-senpai?” Kaori itched closer and held Y/N’s arm. “What is it?” Peering into the room, all the color drained from his face. Without second thoughts, Kaori kicked the door open, breaking the keychain and rushed into the room.

“Michiko-san! Michiko-san!” Kaori shook the young woman repeatedly to no avail.

“Wait.” Y/N crouched down Michiko’s body and placed her index and middle finger on her neck, “There’s no pulse. She’s dead.”

Heiji let out a gasp of surprise while Aiko hurried to shield Sakumo’s vision from the dead body laying on the ground.

At that moment, a groan can be heard coming from the bed, “Why is it so noisy?” and Kakashi’s head popped from under the blanket.

“Dad!”

“H-honey?” Y/N’s eyes were as wide as saucers as she quickly understood the situation at hand.

Kakashi just tilted his head in confusion at everyone’s shocked expressions. Yawning, Kakashi climbed out of bed, “Just what’s going on here?”

“Honey, wait!” Kakashi halted at Y/N’s sharp command. If he could see himself in the mirror, he would see that he looked very surprised. Whether it was because of his wife calling him a term of endearment or because of her harsh command, it was unknown. “The phone cord over there could be the murder weapon.”

“Murder weapon…?” Kakashi glanced down at the phone cord. “What are you talking about?” he followed Y/N’s gaze and was horrified to see Michikio’s dead body.

“We found her dead.” Y/N answered her husband’s unasked question, “There’s a thick mark on her neck that resembles the phone could. Possible death was strangulation.”

When the police had came and Michiko’s body was taken away, the crime was instantly pinned on Kakashi seeing as there wasn’t anyone else inside the room at the time of the murder.

“Dad didn’t do it!” Aiko pleaded with the police. “Please, he couldn’t hurt anyone! Right, mom?”

“Criminal Law, Article 199.” Y/N spoke with a cold voice. “If one committed a murder, he will have a life sentence with a minimum of three years solitary confianment with no chance of parole. In the worst case scenario, execution.”

“Mom!” But Y/N ignored her daughter as she glared up at her husband.

“I’m sorry, detective Hatake.” A young police officer who couldn’t be older than twenty two years old cuffed Kakashi’s hands, “All evidence points to you so we have to take you down to the station.”

Kakashi allowed himself to be escorted with dignity, ignoring the judgmental and disapproving stares from Y/N’s friends.

“Y/N-senpai,” Kaori stood next to his friend and superior “Are you going to be his attorney?”

“Sorry but I’ll pass.” Y/N crossed her arms, “I don’t want to defend a shameless drunken womanizer turned murder.”

“How could you say that!” Aiko cried, “He’s your husband!”

“Oh really? Because for the past three years, it didn’t feel like it.” Y/N screamed. “I can’t ruin my reputation over a man like him. What would all of my fellow feminsit say if I had defended a man like him?”

Kakashi harrumphed, “I don’t want to be defended by a cold hearted bitch either.” It was a low blow but the detective didn’t care. “If you show your face at the station with no apparent reason, I won’t be too kind to you.” Before he could exit the room, Kaori spoke.

“I refuse to believe that Hatake-san could do such a thing.” The silver haired detective glanced behind his shoulder, “I’ll be his attorney.” And followed the man out of the room.

Once everyone had exited-save for the young police officer-Michiko’s room and Y/N had sent Aiko and Sakumo to their room, she began to investigate the scene of the crime.

Even though she had made a big show of being mad at Kakashi and taking a few jabs at his pride, she couldn’t believe that her husband was a murderer. So, she took it upon herself to clear his name before the media outlet got wind of the situation at hand.

“So, you still love him?” Y/N ignored the police officer and continued her investigation. Honestly, if she could she would’ve kicked him out but she needed him here with her if she wanted to solve the crime and find the actual murderer without having any biased judgement.

The two continued their thorough investigation for nearly four hours. The sun was beginning to rise and the birds started their day with melodic chirps. Y/N and the young police officer were exhausted but they’ve finally cracked the case. Once they were confident with their deduction, they called everyone-sans for Kakashi as he was still at the police station being interrogated- back to Michiko’s room.

The two had discovered that Kaori was the murder and in explained in full detail how he had committed his perfect locked room murder.

Kaori’s face went pale as he listened to Y/N and the police’s deduction. His body began to shake and sweat began to collect at his forehead and underarm at the steel look he received from Y/N. Despite all of that, Kaori couldn’t help but to stare in awe at Y/N.

“Now I know what it's like to be confronted by the Queen of Lawyers.” Kaori said breathlessly, “You were amazing.”

“Thank you.” Y/N replied not too unkindly, “I just don’t know what was your motive. Though, I suspect it’s the current case she’s working on.”

Kaori heaved a heavy sigh as he slid to the ground in defeat. “Yeah, the factory she’s defending will be built in my hometown. The citizens have been protesting for years and I wanted them to win no matter what. When I started working here and learned that Michiko was in charge of the case. I knew I had to have her gone.”

He looked at Y/N, the senpai he admired so much, “I was planning on making it look like a suicide but I was startled to see Hatake-san passed out on her bed. It was the perfect opportunity to pin the crime on him.” He then smiled at her, “I just didn’t think that Y/N-senpai still loved her husband so much to the point of defending him.”

Y/N crouched down in front of the criminal, “While I understand why you did it, Michiko took the case as a job. There was no animosity.” She spoke with dejection. “Did you have to kill her?”

“If she had really taken it as a job then, no. I wouldn’t have killed her.” His expression became dark, “But when I learned that she was harassing people, my people, to increase her reputation as the ice princess and beat you, I knew I had to do something.”

Y/N’s stared at him in confusion, “To beat me?”

“Yeah.” Kaori lowered his gaze, “The reason she brought Hatake-san to her room was for that reason as well. She wanted to break you in every way possible and see you fall.”

“I c-can’t believe it.”

Kaori then pulled himself up and dusted his pants off, “Although, that would have worked for me as I’ve been wanting to to be mine for a long time, I just couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you so heartbroken.”

The blush on Y/N’s cheeks appeared unintentionally. She was too shell-shocked to say anything. All that she could do was watch as the policemen cuffed Kaori and escorted him to the police station.

Later that afternoon, Kakashi was released from the station with sincere apologies from the police as they personally drove him back to the hotel. Stepping into the pool area of the hotel to unwind after a long and exhausting night, he bumped into the young police officer from the night before.

“Hatake-san!” he greeted in delight, “Your wife was amazing-”

“We’re not together.”

“She managed to gather all of the evidence and discover who the true criminal was all on her own.” He smiled brightly at the irritated detective. “I expect nothing less from the wife of world famous detective Hatake Kakashi!” and then winked at him.

Kakashi rubbed his temple at the headache that formed rapidly. “Speaking of,” he interrupted the police officer’s rambles, “Where...is she?”

The office gave him a sly smirk, “She’s over there.” And pointed to a spot behind Kakashi. Turning, he spotted Y/N sitting at a table near the edge of the pool. Her back was facing him.

Fixing his colored and disheveled hair, Kakashi shoved his hands into his pockets and walked the short distance to Y/N’s table. He stared at the back of her head and admired the complicated looking updo. Briefly, he remembered nights from his past when his wife would return home and undo her whatever hairstyle she was sporting. He remembered that he would gaze in awe as her long locks fell across her shoulders and how he would grab a stray look and twirl it around his finger.

Clearing his throat, Kakashi willed those images away.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Kakashi’s voice was low and breathy. “For putting you in such a tough spot. Though, just know that I believed in you. I believed that you could clear my innocence.”

Y/N was quiet, not moving an inch.

Rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment, Kakashi continued. “And, uh...I’m tired of Aiko’s cooking. You’re terrible at it but Aiko is somehow much worse.” He let out a shaky chuckle. “And I oddly miss your cooking.” The blush on his ears were so red that Kakashi was certain it could be seen all the way up from the penthouse.

Still, Y/N said nothing.

Letting out a heavy breath, Kakashi’s voice sounded wearied as he said. “Can you please come back to me soon? I can’t take it anymore.”

Y/N remained silent. Peering over her shoulder, he saw she had a book in her hand and deduced that she was too embarrassed to face him so she focused on the book.

“You know, today’s our anniversary.” Kakashi smiled, his eyes turned into crescents. “And I thought it would be perfect if…”

Kakashi grew frustrated at Y/N’s lack of response so, in a fit of annoyance, he grabbed her shoulder and turned her around to face him, “Hey, are you listening to me?”

“Huh?” Y/N pulled out one of her airpods, startled by Kakashi’s appearance. “Do you want something?” She glared at him.

It was at that moment that Aiko and Sakumo ran up to their parents with poorly hidden enthusiasm. “So, what are you talking about?”

Sakumo held his arm up towards his mother who gladly carried him and sat him on her lap, landing a peck on his head.

“Nothing.” Kakashi looked away. “I was just thinking how long it took for the Queen of Lawyers to solve the case. If she was that slow then I don’t think I want her as my lawyer. Ever.”

Insulted, Y/N stood up and handed Sakumo to Kakashi then shouldered her purse, “This is the thanks I get for saving your sorry ass?” She scoffed. “I should’ve let you rot in jail.” And marched away from her family in a fit of rage.

In her car, Y/N connected her phone to the car stereo via bluetooth and played the newest audio file in her voice recording app.

“Can you come back to me soon? I can’t take it anymore.” Kakashi’s voice filled the car. “You know, today’s our anniversary. And I thought it would be perfect if…”

Y/N replayed the audio and listened to Kakashi’s cute little love confession repeatedly all the way home.

I’m not forgiving you yet, Ka-chan. She thought to herself. Words are cheap and actions are expensive. I want to see how much you’re willing to pay.

#kakashi x reader #kakashi x you #kakashi imagine #kakashi x y/n #Kakashi #hatake kakashi x reader #kakashi hatake imagine

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laurenhufflepuff2 · 3 years

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A list of fandoms I'm in (in no particular order, will probably be updated regularly. Some fandoms are more intense and some are more casual. Depending on the fandom, I could go on and on about fandom topics for HOURS. Let's get into it!)

Harry Potter, Disney, Marvel, DC comics, Miraculous Ladybug, Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend of Korra, Star Wars, Literature, Winx Club, Nintendo, Minecraft, Little Witch Academia, Voltron, Coraline

Details:

Harry Potter- I got into Harry Potter in 7th grade and now I am the resident expert in my family and in my friend group. I read all the books, watched all the movies (notably the British version), and I've seen the Fantastic Beasts films as well. I've also read Tales of Beedle the Bard (the Warlock's Hairy Heart was traumatizing) along with the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them textbook (plus an updated edition). I also read The Cursed Child script and while I mean no hate to anyone that liked it, I hated what it did to the canon. I am in Hufflepuff with some Ravenclaw tendencies (I took the Pottermore quiz 3 times, 2 out of 3 I got Hufflepuff, the other time was Ravenclaw). I had a pottermore account and I was so upset when it got converted to the Wizarding World page. I cosplayed Hermione in 7th grade complete with British accent and even monologued as her for a talent show (classmates and teachers would recognize me as the Hermione girl all the way through high school). I was obsessed and I still love it even if J.K. Rowling has gone off the deep end on Twitter... yeah... my favorite character is Hermione but I also relate to Luna

Disney- there's so much that goes into the Disney part of my fandom list. I'm excluding Marvel and Star Wars from this part as they were originally separate entities before Disney got the rights to them. I have seen almost every animated Disney film ever and often use random movie quotes in conversation. My favorite villain is Maleficent, my favorite princess is Ariel (followed by Belle, Rapunzel, and Anna). I relate to so many of the characters. I'm not sure who my favorite Pixar character is though (I love Violet, Sadness, Dory, and Piper (from the short)). My favorite Disney fairy is Fawn. My favorite characters overall are Ariel and Stitch. Disney is definitely on the list as one of my biggest obsessions. My favorite movies are Lilo and Stitch, the Little Mermaid, Inside Out, Alice in Wonderland (original), and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.

Marvel- I mostly get my Marvel exposure through the MCU, other movies, and animated TV shows. I have difficulty reading graphic novels so most of my comic book knowledge comes from friends, posts, or wikis. My favorite characters are Spider-Man, Captain America, Peggy Carter, and Scarlet Witch. I also like Gwenpool, Deadpool, Spider-Gwen/ Ghost-Spider, Venom, Squirrel Girl, Daredevil, Mantis, Gamora, Black Widow, Iron Man, Thor, Loki, Bucky, Black Panther, and most MCU characters. Out of the X-men I really like Professor X, Wolverine, Mystique, Magneto, Nightcrawler, and Quicksilver (either version- MCU or Fox).

DC- this was the franchise I was more familiar with growing up but again, graphic novels aren't easy for me to read so most of my knowledge comes from information pages about the comics or from tv/movies. My earliest experience with DC came from the 60s Batman series, with Catwoman and Robin being my favorites. I also watched the Wonder Woman series from the 70s and a handful of CW shows, my favorite of which being the Flash and Arrow. I also managed to watch all 5 seasons of the Teen Titans Cartoon Network series from 2003. With that being said, my favorite characters are Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Flash, Batman, Nightwing/Robin (Dick Grayson), Green Arrow, Starfire, Raven, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and Alfred. I also like most of the bat family, and when it comes to CW I LOVE Caitlin Snow/Killer Frost and Cisco.

Miraculous- this is one of my guilty fandoms but since this is Tumblr I'm not too worried about it. I love Marinette and I relate to her on an astoundingly deep level (minus the stalking and obsession with potential lovers, that's creepy). If I had a miraculous, I'd probably want the Ladybug one, but the Cat miraculous, fox miraculous, and snake miraculous are good too. My favorite character is Marinette/Ladybug.

Atla/Tlok- I jumped on the avatar bandwagon just when it was starting to get popular, so I managed to get through the series before the memes took over everything. Same with Tlok, although i couldn't completely avoid the spoilers for that when i started it. I've been wanting to get into the comics because of the short story comics I've read, they seem easier to read than superhero comics. My favorite characters are Aang, Katara, Ty Lee, Iroh, Korra, Jinora, Asami, Suki, Appa, Momo, Naga, and Pabu. I also like Sokka, Mai, Zuko, Lin, Kuvira, Varrick, Zhu Lee, and Azula. I feel really sorry for her and while I understand that a redemption arc would undermine the importance of her corruption arc, I still wish she could have one. I would love to be a waterbender or an airbender... maybe a waterbender raised in the air nation? Obviously, being the avatar itself would be awesome. The show has taught me a lot of great lessons and put a lot of stuff into perspective for me.

Star Wars- oh boy, talking about this one is dangerous. I've seen firsthand the horrors of the Star Wars fandom but then again no one will probably see this anyway so... I've seen all the movies and I remember watching the clone wars series with my brother when I was younger but we fell wayyy behind and it's taking us forever to get back into it. I've also seen the Mandalorian and quite enjoyed it. I like the prequels unironically, in fact, the prequels are some of my favorite movies. I especially like how they switched from lightsabers being heavy weapons to light weapons that can be used for all kinds of tricks that make for epic battles like the ones we see in Revenge of the Sith. The sequels were fun to watch but when I would analyze them along side their predecessors, I came to the conclusion that, for me, they were good to watch but did not do anything good for the rest of the franchise. My favorite characters are prequels/clone wars Obi Wan and Anakin, Padme, Ashoka, Leia, R2D2, BB-8, R4-P17, the Mandalorian (Din Djarin), and Grogu. If I had a lightsaber I'd want it to be blue, but when I was little I got a purple one like Mace Windu because it was closer to pink and I was into pink at the time. I still have that lightsaber and none of my friends have a purple one so it's one of my flexes. I feel like I wouldn't make a good jedi because of attachments being forbidden, so I'd probably become a grey jedi.

Literature- this is a broad term I use to cover all the random books and stories I liked reading and have studied. So we have Shakespeare (Macbeth, Much Ado About Nothing, Romeo and Juliet), The Great Gatsby (bored while reading, loved to analyze), Grendel (HATED reading, loved to analyze, Grendel really needed a hug and a friend), The Crucible, Fahrenheit 451, Dark Life (+ the sequel Riptide, both are by Kat Falls good reads, sci-fi and kind of dystopian), The Once and Future King

Winx Club- I think the show is trashy but I still love watching it. I haven't been able to get through season 6 though and I hated what they did with season 8 and Fate: the Winx Saga. My favorite character is Bloom along with Stella and Flora. I prefer rai to nick. My favorite transformations are magic winx, enchantix, and harmonix. My favorite member of the Trix is Icy followed by Darcy. My favorite Pixies are Chatta and Lockette.

Nintendo- mainly Pokémon above all else, followed by Animal Crossing. I have also played (mostly as player 2 or just never beat or watched my brother play) mario games, legend of zelda, pikmin, and kirby. Games I haven't played but I just liked the characters/the lore and probably learned about through Super Smash Bros. are Fire Emblem (Lucina mostly), Metroid (Samus and baby metroid), and Kid Icarus. Pokémon is where I'm most knowledgeable but you'll most likely beat me in battle. I am however great at MarioKart and I always destroy my friends at it. Terrible at fighting games though.

Minecraft- I like playing this casually. Sure, I'll play for hours and hours on end for months, but I prefer to stay exclusively in peaceful when playing Survival mode and I don't make anything too ambitious in Creative mode. I like to write, so sometimes I'll make a rough layout of the settings of my stories in different worlds. I prefer interior design and decorating when building, and when in survival mode I focus more on mining and gathering while my brother works on ambitious building projects. I just bring him the raw materials and furnish the interior when he finishes the outside.

Little Witch Academia- this takes up a smaller portion of my fandom list because there were only 2 seasons and a couple movies and I watched the whole series years ago, but I still enjoy it. At one point I wanted to cosplay Akko, and I loved the nod at Twilight through the Nightfall series. And I especially liked the twist that Shiny Chariot was Ursula, which I suspected for some time. The blend between magic and technology was fun to see, but I was so sad that the series ended RIGHT when Akko finally showed signs of magic proficiency. Also, Shiny Chariot being the reason Akko couldn't do magic was heartbreaking.

Voltron- this takes up a much smaller portion of my fandom list mainly because I haven't even finished it. I know hardly anything about Transformers aside from the Bumblebee movie so to me I just watch it for fun. It reminds me of power rangers, star wars, and star trek, and then there's just a transformer insert. But I don't know anything about Transformers so maybe the show is more rooted in canon than I think.

Coraline- I am in a love-hate relationship with Coraline. I have watched the movie several times, I've read the book, I've watched hours of theories and analyses on youtube, I've watched behind the scenes videos by Laika, and I even wrote a script for a fan film parody. I am amazed at how original the story is and how impressive the stop motion animation is but I also have recurring nightmares from it and it scares me/creeps me out to the max. If anyone asks what my scariness limit is, it's definitely Coraline.

#fandoms #about me #harry potter #disney #dc #marvel #avatar the last airbender #the legend of korra #star wars #miraculous ladybug #literature #winx club #nintendo #minecraft #pokémon #little witch academia #voltron #coraline

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hale-13 · 3 years

Text

Dazed and Confused

By Hale13

For the Summer of Whump Day 21 - Panic (Thanks @spideyhoarder for the prompt!)

“I’ll be okay,” he croaks out hoarsely with weak smile. May gives him a look like she doesn’t believe him and Peter tries to make his expression even more earnest. He, actually, really doesn’t want her to go but he knows that they can’t afford her to miss this shift since she’s already used all her PTO on his Spider-Man related hospital stays. Things have been a little tight lately and, even though May is careful not to talk to Peter about money much, he knows that one shift could make or break them.

Words: 2301, Chapters: 1/1 (Complete), Language: English

Fandoms: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)

Rating: Gen

Relationships: Peter Parker & May Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, May Parker, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Helen Cho

TW: Vomiting, Fainting

Read on AO3 or below the line break.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay baby,” May asked him for the fifth time, combing his wet bangs back from his forehead and surreptitiously checking his fever with the cool palm of her hand. Peter fights against the inclination to push his head further into her hand.

“Alright,” May says dubiously, looking torn and guilty about leaving him. “If you start feeling any worse I want you to have the desk page me okay? Promise me Peter.”

“I will,” Peter promised, crossing his fingers under his sheets. There was no way that he would pull her from work. Literally none.

“Okay,” May says still looking guilty and Peter hates it. Hates that its just the two of them now, hates that May overworks herself, hates that he makes her worry about him. She leans forward to pull him into a soft hug and Peter returns it, mindful of his strength and a little misty eyed – fevers always make him emotional. “I love you. Get some sleep; I left plenty of water and Gatorade on your nightstand and there’s soup in the crock pot for lunch. Eat some of it okay?”

“I will May,” Peter agrees, releasing her and pulling back even though he doesn’t want to. Even though all he wants is to cuddle up next to her on the couch and watch cartoons like he did when he was eight and sick and miserable. “You need to go or you’ll be late,” Peter says with a smile and May runs her hands through his hair one more time before standing from the bed.

“Love you,” she repeats as she leaves the room. He hears her grab her bag and then the sound of the door closing, her footsteps fading into the distance and Peter relaxes back against his bed with a sigh and glances at the alarm clock next to him.

Thirteen hours. He can make it thirteen hours.

———————————————

Peter can’t make it thirteen hours.

He gags again, leaning over the toilet to dry heave and feels tears of effort and frustration leak down his cheeks. God he feels so awful.

The fit subsides and Peter collapses back to lean against the tub. The cramped single bathroom in their Queens apartment smells like stale bile and Peter grimaces as it turns his stomach, grabbing his water bottle to rinse out his mouth. It’s only just after ten and Peter has no idea how he’s going to make it until nine in the evening, he can tell his fever is rising and he’s feeling so much worse. The Advil that he had taken that morning is doing absolutely nothing for him and Peter just wants to cry.

He should call May. He can’t call May.

He can call Mr. Stark.

“No,” Peter says, shaking his head vigorously to clear it and making his headache throb worse, the room spinning and leaving him dizzy. There’s no way he can ask Tony Stark, Iron Man, his hero since he was a kid to rub his back while he vomits and get him soup. It’s way too embarrassing.

“This is fine,” Peter says, pinching his eyes shut and swallowing convulsively against the rising nausea. “I’m fine,” he gags, leaning over again to dry heave.

Eleven more hours. He can do that.

———————————————

The subway is bright and loud and full of people. Peter sways with the movement and tries to remember how he got here.

He’s freezing, the thin hoodie jacket, sweats and beat up tennis shoes doing nothing to block out the October chill that’s seeping through the underground. He feels sweat beading the back of his neck and face, chilling him more and making him shiver weakly. The smartly dressed business woman sitting across from him is eyeing him with distaste and Peter hunches in on himself.

How did he get here? Where is he going?

May?

No. Not May. May’s working.

Then where…?

He lets his eyes slip closed. The swirling of his vision and the movement of the subway car are making him want to vomit again and he can’t do that. There’s nothing more pathetic than vomiting on the train.

Also it’ll probably get him kicked off. So.

He drifts.

Stark Tower looms over him and Peter sways, dizzy and confused. Why is he here? What is he doing?

The crowds of people walking on the sidewalk – on their way to lunch or meetings or whatever it is that business people do – swerve around him with irritation and Peter stumbles when one smacks him with their elbow.

Is it a lab day? What day is it? He’s so tired, he wants to sleep.

He has a bed in Mr. Stark’s penthouse Peter remembers. Mr. Stark got him a whole room once Peter started hanging around more often, surely the man won’t mind if he uses it for a quick nap?

The fluorescent lights of the elevator burn his retinas and Peter squints. When did he get here?

“Hello Peter,” FRIDAY’s disembodied voice echos through the elevator car. “You seem to have a temperature, do you want me to let Boss know you’re here?”

Does he want Mr. Stark to know he’s here? Yeah he does. He wants someone to take care of him – he’s so tired and he feels awful and he can’t do this alone what was he thinking?

“No,” his voice is quiet and broken from all the vomiting and from not drinking and it hurts to talk holy shit. He clears his throat once and winces, gripping tightly onto the rail that runs around the car and grimacing when he feels it warp. He didn’t mean to do that. He’ll fix it.

FRIDAY’s silence is telling and judge mental and Peter has things he wants to say about that, many things actually, but he doesn’t. He kinda feels like vomiting again so he needs to keep his mouth closed.

The elevator stops on the penthouse floor and Peter stumbles out, listing into the wall and panting as he exits. He’s got this – his room is just down the hall. He can make it.

The floor tilts threateningly in front of his eyes and he keeps both hands on the wall as he walks down the hallway. He’s so close. He can’t give up now. The door to his room is closed and it takes some doing but he gets the door open; the room is dark, the windows opaque and blotting out the weak morning sunlight. His bed is still in disarray from the last time he stayed over and it looks so inviting.

Peter lets go of the wall to walk in the room.

His vision tilts again and starts to grey and tunnel and he stops dead where he’s standing to sway in place.

Oh he’s definitely going to pass out.

“FRI…”

It’s all he gets out before the floor rushes up to meet him.

—————————————

“Penthouse FRI,” Tony says brusquely as he boards his private elevator, loosening his tie and popping the top button of his white dress shirt as he goes. There’s nothing he hates more than pointless budgeting meetings except for long pointless budgeting meetings that ruin his whole day.

The car starts to move and Tony goes to lean against the railing; the metal in his left hand is the smooth, burnished steel he is used to but the left side… He glances down and see the railing is warped and bent, clearly in the shape of a hand and he frowns.

“What happened here?” He asks himself, running his index finger over the blemish curiously. Oh well. He can easily ix it and he can look through the video footage later to see how it happened but his money is on the kid. The only problem with this theory is that if Peter did this he would have been falling all over himself to apologize and he’d be trying to fix it himself.

Strange.

The elevator opens to the penthouse and Tony steps out, pulling of his tie fully and allowing it to drape around his shoulders loosely. Something feels off and he can’t quite put his finger on what; whatever it is warrants further investigation but he wants to change first – his workshop jeans are calling his name.

The hallway is darkened as he makes his way to the room he shares with Pepper except for a square of light from Peter’s doorway. Tony frowns – he’s sure the door was closed this morning?

Quickening his pace, he approaches the door and peers in the room.

Peter’s laid out limp on the floor just inside the doorway, limbs sprawled out and face pale except his cheeks which are bright red with fever and his nose which is purpling and bloody from where he clearly hit it passing out.

“Shit!” Tony says, dropping to the floor next to the kid and rolling him onto his side in the recovery position. He’s positively burning, sweating through his clothes and matting his hair to his skull. “FRI how long’s the kid been here?” He asks as he checks Peter’s pulse (rapid and thready) and breathing (congested).

“Two hours,” she responds. “He didn’t want me to alert you he was here.”

“Update that protocol dear,” he snaps at her, moving Peter’s bangs out of his face. “And call down to Bruce and Helen in the MedBay to let them know the situation. Can I move him?”

“He should be safe to move”,” FRIDAY tells him, “Dr.’s Banner and Cho are preparing for you now.”

“This is going to be so bad for my back,” Tony grouses to the unconscious kid as he rolls Peter fully onto his back and slips one arm under his back and the other under his knees. He takes a deep breath and lifts, stumbling a little – the wiry and corded muscles Peter developed from the bite are heavy.

The elevator ride to the MedBay thankfully is quick and, soon, Tony is dropping Peter gently onto one of the beds and stepping back as Bruce and Helen converge on him, setting up monitors and sticking a thermometer under his tongue.

Bruce hisses at the thermometer readout when he pulls it from Peter’s slack jaw. “One hundred and four point one,” he declares, stripping Peter’s hoodie off and leaving the kid in just his sweats and a loose t-shirt. “We need to get him cooled down before he boils his brain.”

“How did he even get here?” Helen asks, confused, as she sets up an IV catheter and a bag of plasmalyte.

“Kid’s stubborn,.” Tony says sardonically as he scrolls through his phone for May Parker’s contact info – he’s willing to bet a few billion that she has no idea that he kid decided to go on a unapproved field trip today. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Probably the flu,” Helen says as she places the catheter and starts running the fluids. “It’s been going around and the strain is particularly awful this year.”

“Great,” Tony says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I’ve got to call his aunt.”

Tony just hopes that the tentative rapport he’s built up with May over the past few months will prevent her from gutting him when she finds out her kid was under his roof for two hours without him noticing.

—————————————————

When Peter wakes up he feels loads better. The ache in his head is subsiding and everything feels more clear, sharper somehow. He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh, the nausea’s gone.

“You awake kiddo?”A voice asks next to him and Peter’s eyes shoot open in panic and, oh shit, Mr. Stark is sitting on one of the uncomfortable MedBay chairs beside his bed with a tablet in his lap and his glasses low on his nose.

“Oh shit,” he says again, out loud this time and his mentor chuckles at him, setting the tablet aside.

“Yeah you’re not wrong,” he agrees with a grin. “Once you’re better you, May and I are having a discussion about self-care.” Peter groans and closes his eyes, throwing an arm across his eyes dramatically and hears Tony snort.

“Sorry,” Peter apologizes, coughing a little as talking irritates his throat and he swallows, trying to wet his throat. Mr. Stark passes him a cup of water and Peter takes it gratefully and sips it slowly, the coolness like ambrosia. “Uh… how did I get here?”

“You took the subway apparently,” Tony says with an eye roll. “Although I have no idea how you got here in one piece – your fever was over a hundred and four. Bruce and Helen say you ‘re lucky you have a healing factor or it could have been much worse. You have the flu by the way.”

“Great,” Peter mutters, picking at the tape covering the IV in his arm and letting out a yawn. He’s so tired.

“Go back to sleep,” Tony tells him, leaning forward to run his fingers through Peter’s hair and lower the bed some so that he’s more reclined. “May won’t be here for a few more hours.”

“Thanks Mr. Stark,” Peter breathes, letting his eyes close. He falls asleep to the even breathing of his mentor sitting vigil next to him.

#summerofwhump #summerofwhump21 #Prompt: Panic #irondad #spider man #Summer of Whump 2021

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vivilove-jonsa · 4 years

Text

Young at Heart at Oldstones

Since we have some lovely Jonsa-themed WIP Wednesday headers for Modern and Canon fic both, I’m going to share a couple of different things that have been sitting in my big Maybe file collecting dust. (You can find the Modern AU Headers here)

I don’t see much fic of Jon having a relationship with his grandmother so that was partly what sparked the idea for this one. Someday, I’ll get enough of it done to start posting on ao3 but here’s a good little bit of it.

****

“I don’t know about this, Mom. We’ve not spent much time together since I was a kid. What do I even say to her?” Jon asked as he had the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder, searching for a clean shirt.

“Just talk. She’ll be happy you came to see her.”

“Yeah but it’s going to be awkward after about five minutes.”

“You can handle a little awkward, can’t you? You’re not a kid anymore.”

She was right. He wasn’t. He was twenty-three and a graduate student at Riverlands University. He could give an hour or two of free time to his grandmother and not whine about it being a sacrifice. “I’m going…once I find a clean shirt.”

Lyanna laughed through the phone, making him smile to hear it. “I know it’s thirty minutes away but it’ll mean so much to her, Jon. I call her here and there but you know it’s…well, it’s awkward with us.”

He knew that. How could it not be awkward? Considering the circumstances of his conception and birth and the strained relations that had arisen between more than just his mother and father, he felt his mother was quite thoughtful for even bothering to call his paternal grandmother.

Speaking of which…

“You know, she has three kids who could visit her.”

“Yeah, she does and none of them visit. Your Aunt Dany is young…”

“Barely younger than me!”

“But she’s always been her father’s daughter at heart and she still blames your grandmother for the divorce.”

“Oh, yeah because Aerys is such a gem,” he said sarcastically.

“Families are complicated, Jon.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Anyway, Viserys can’t visit.” No, his sociopath of an uncle wouldn’t be visiting his mother. Hard to do when you’re behind bars. “And your father…”

“Is a self-absorbed asshole who found a retirement community for his mother four hours away from where he lives.” He heard his mother’s sigh and felt guilty for dredging up hurtful things. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright. You’re not wrong. She’s so excited you’re coming, Jon. I hope you can enjoy the visit, knowing that at least.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be okay. Love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

Oldstones Retirement Community was not a nursing home although he’d thought of it as one. He’d pictured some old depressing building resembling a hospital with blank eggshell white walls, dingy tiled floors and musty-smelling, hospital-style rooms.

Therefore, Jon was pleasantly surprised to see it was indeed a community, a neighborhood for the elderly with rows and rows of neat individual bungalows with their own little postage stamp yards spread out in an arch around a larger one level ‘community center.’

However, in order to get a pass to enter the gated section where those bungalows were, you had to check in at the center first.

Parking out front, he walked inside the center to get his bearings, the whoosh of the automatic doors giving him a blast of air conditioning on the exceptionally warm autumn day.

He caught sight of a young woman in navy blue scrubs holding the arm of an elderly man as they walked along. Thinking she might be an employee of the center, he approached.

“Hi. I was wondering if…”

His words and his train of thought were effectively stopped in their tracks when she turned towards him with forget-me-not blue eyes and waves of auburn hair.

“Oh, hello,” she replied, a musical lilt to her voice as she looked at him expectantly.

Damn, she was beautiful. She was around his age, maybe a couple of years younger. Could she already be a nurse? Or just an assistant here?

There was a pattern to her scrubs, cartoon characters he recognized from childhood including Wiley Wolfe. It was cute. She was stunning.

The old guy beside her cleared his throat irritably and Jon realized he was just standing there staring at her and her scrubs. It’s not like he didn’t know how to talk to women but he felt his mouth going dry while he was drowning in those eyes of hers.

Her expectant smile began to morph into one of concern as the silence stretched on. Say something! Use your words, you idiot!

So unfortunately, Jon blurted out the first words that came to mind. “I’m here to see Gamma.”

Those were not the words I had in mind.

The beauty’s lips twitched and Jon felt heat flooding his face. Of course, he’d fall back to what he’d called Rhaella when he’d been two (not that he’d ever stopped calling her that when it was just him and her.)

“I mean, I was looking for my grandmother.”

“Oh, well…do you know which bungalow she’s in or…”

“Reception’s over there, kid,” the old man interrupted curtly. “My granddaughter doesn’t have your gamma hiding under her top either.”

“Grandpa!”

Jon’s red face was getting redder but now. Hers was, too. “I wasn’t looking!” Well, his eyes had lingered on her top for a minute there. “I was just…I like the wolf bit,” he said, nodding towards her chest. “Wiley was always my favorite.”

The wolf bit?! ‘Wiley was always my favorite?’ Gods, you are such a dumbass, he thought, rolling his eyes at himself.

The old guy with his shaggy grey beard shot through with hints of red continued to glare at him. He had a cane and Jon wondered if he was about to use it on him. At least, she was smiling.

“I’m sorry for assuming. I just saw the scrubs and thought…”

“No, it’s okay. I’m a nursing student, thus the scrubs. I just came by to see my grandfather today after my classes were done.”

“Checking up on me for your mother, you mean.”

“You know I want to see you anyway, Grandpa.”

She was still smiling but there was an edge of hurt feelings in her voice, too. Jon didn’t like the idea of anyone hurting her feelings although he didn’t even know her name. Yet.

The old man took the hint though and grasped her hand. “I know, darling. Sorry. They’ll help you out at reception, kid.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

“Who’re you seeing anyway?”

“Rhaella Targaryen.”

“Rhaella?” he said, his bushy eyebrows raised. “Well, that’s swell. I’m her neighbor, Hoster Tully.”

He held out his hand so Jon shook it. “Jon Snow.” He looked hopefully towards Hoster’s granddaughter, unable to hide his grin.

“I’m Sansa Stark,” she said, shaking Jon’s hand as well, her cheeks still flushed a lovely shade of pink. “And I’m glad you have such good taste in cartoons.”

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, grinning wider. “It’s nice to meet you both.” Especially you.

“Have a nice time with your gamma, Jon,” Hoster chuckled. Never living down that introduction then. “The sweet shop’s open. You wanna ice cream, darling?”

Jon smiled, thinking his grandmother would likely ask him the same question.

Sansa cocked an eyebrow at him and put a hand on her hip. “Do I want an ice cream or is it you who wants one, Grandpa?” she asked, clearly amused.

“I’m sure you’ll be reminding me of the doctor saying to watch my sweets, huh?”

“Maybe.”

“I've been a good boy, I swear. I also remember when you couldn’t say no to mint chocolate chip,” he added in a slightly pleading tone.

“I still struggle to say no to it,” she laughed. “Maybe they have a no-sugar alternative."

"Blech. Help me out here, Jon."

"I, uh..." He looked between them both, Mr. Tully with pleading puppy dog eyes and Sansa with her hand still on her hip. "I mean, one little scoop’s not so bad and I'll bet they have a variety of options with, um...different sizes and calories, sugar-free and...you know I've never been here before in my life, right?"

They both started laughing and he was mesmerized by the tinkling sound of Sansa's as her eyes sparkled.

"Well, maybe we'll check out the varieties available, Grandpa," Sansa relented, giving Jon a wink. Hot damn! "It was nice to meet you, Jon. I hope you enjoy your visit.”

“Thanks. It was nice to meet you, too,” he replied as they continued down the hallway.

Sansa’s a pretty name. Where do you go to school? Riverlands? Please, say Riverlands. They've got a nursing program there...I think. Do you come here often? Can I buy you both an ice cream? Can I have your number? Do you have a boyfriend? I really do like the wolf bit.

Naturally, he’d think of a dozen things to say as she was walking away, not that he could say most of those things when they'd just met.

With a sigh, he headed towards the reception desk as Sansa and her grandfather disappeared from his view.

“Can I help you?” a woman wearing pink scrubs, a friendly smile and a name tag that said ‘Yaya’ on it asked.

“Yes, I’m here to see my gamma.” He groaned inwardly as her smile widened. “I mean, my grandmother. I want to visit Rhaella Targaryen.”

“Oh, Rhaella! What’s your name, honey?”

“Jon Snow.”

“Okay, Jon Snow, let’s take a look.” She opened a ledger to nearly the back page, her finger tracing downwards. “Do you have an ID on you, Jon?”

“Yeah.”

He grimaced as he pulled out his wallet. It was possible they asked this of all visitors but he had to wonder if his grandfather and uncle didn’t make this necessary for his grandmother. There was still an Order of Protection in place for his grandfather and Viserys wouldn’t be welcome lots of places, particularly around a potentially physically vulnerable population. Well, I’ll bet Old Hoster with his cane can take care of himself alright.

Yaya looked it over and then smiled, passing him a slip of paper with a word written on it.

“Hippie?”

“Yeah, that’s the gate’s passcode. Just use the alpha-numeric keypad to enter it and you can pull your vehicle through.”

“Okay but hippie?”

“The residents vote on it once a month. They tend to go with something that gives them a chuckle.”

“What was last month’s?”

“Prunes.”

“No shit?” Yaya’s eyes widened before she threw her head back and laughed. Jon hadn’t meant to curse in front of a stranger but when he thought about the meaning there… “Sorry,” he said, failing to stifle his answering laughter.

After they’d settled down again, Yaya asked, “Does she know you’re coming?”

“Yeah, she does.”

“Great. I know she’ll be happy to see you. She doesn’t get…” Yaya trailed off, a soft melancholy settling in her warm brown eyes.

“Many visitors, I know,” he said, shifting guiltily. He’d moved here six weeks ago. He could’ve come sooner. “I…maybe that’ll change.”

“I hope so, Jon. Have a nice visit.”

#jonsa fanfiction #vivilove-jonsa fic #wip wednesday #jonsa #new fic that may never see the light of day on ao3 #but have some of it here anyway

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stilloutofmyvulcanmind · 4 years

Text

Broken Pieces

Request: Could you, um, do a small fluff piece with H.R... um, one where the reader has had a hard day and nearly broke down into tears. Oh... um also with hot chocolate and cozy comfort blanket snuggles?? Please?

Pairing: H.R Wells x Reader

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: Anxiety, crying

A/N: I changed the prompt a little, nonnie, so the reader did break down in tears. It fit better, so I hope that’s okay!

The crash of the mug cracking on the floor echoed through the kitchen, the sound deafening in the silence. You stared down at the broken pieces, fingers still flexing around the empty space where it should’ve been held. You’d just wanted to make a drink. You were exhausted and at your limit, and hot chocolate always made you feel better. You couldn’t even have that it seemed. The mug itself hadn’t been a special one, just the first clean one you’d laid hands on, but the sight of it shattered over the kitchen tiles was enough to make the last thread holding you together snap.

Tears started to roll down your cheeks, dripping off and splashing to the floor amongst the debris. Shoulders shaking, you stood there and sobbed.

"Y/N?" H.R's voice suddenly filled the room, followed by the sound of his boots on the tile, rushing over to you. "Are you hurt?" He sounded so worried. It only made you sob harder, the guilt creeping in over scaring him.

Unable to find words, you just shook your head.

"Okay, okay, good. Come here." H.R was gently guiding you away from the mess, pulling you back a few steps before engulfing you in his arms. You sank into the embrace, hands coming around to clutch at the soft grey sweater as you cried into his shoulder. "I've got you, baby bean, let it out."

H.R held you until your sobs had turned into quiet sniffles and there was a damp patch on his sweater. With gentle fingers under your chin, he tilted your head. "Will you tell me what caused this?" He asked, brushing away the tears that remained on your cheeks.

"I don't…I'm just…" You stumbled over your words, fighting to find the right ones to fully articulate what you wanted to say.

"It's okay," H.R soothed, thumb tracing over your cheekbone, "take your time."

You nodded, leaning into the touch. You took a breath. "There's so much going on recently and I haven't been sleeping, and today was just so long, it took forever to get everything done, and there's still so much more to do on Monday, I can't even begin to list it all. I'm...I'm tired and I'm stressed and…I guess dropping the mug just pushed me off the edge."

H.R listened and kissed your forehead once you were done. “Thank you.”

You couldn’t do much more than hum and melt into his gentleness. Just having H.R near you was already making you feel better, his steady hands and the smell of his cologne slowly easing the tension away.

Eventually, he pulled back, hands on your shoulders. “Will you do something for me?” He waited for your nod, before continuing, “Go and take a shower. A long, hot one, just how you like it.”

“But the mess-”

“I’ll take care of it.” H.R said, eyes soft. “And I want you to take care of yourself.”

“Okay.”

He beamed. “That’s my baby bean!” A quick kiss to the lips and H.R was shooing you off towards the bathroom.

The water was steaming hot by the time you stepped under it, groaning softly as it hit your stiff muscles, already working its magic. It was heaven. Leaning forward against the wall you let the water cascade down and over your back, enjoying the warmth of it until you mustered up the energy to finally wash away the day.

By the time you were done, though still exhausted, you did feel a world better. Wrapped in a fluffy towel, you stepped out into the bedroom to find a pair of your favorite pajamas laid out waiting for you. You spared a moment to wonder how you’d gotten so insanely lucky to get a boyfriend as kind and caring as H.R, before quickly drying off and changing into the soft cozy set, listening to H.R move about and hum softly to himself just outside.

The living room had been transformed, you found. Blankets and pillows and been spread out and piled up in front of the sofa, expertly laid out for maximum comfort. H.R stood just beyond, now changed out of his usual stylish clothes into a pair of grey sweatpants, and tee that had a giant cartoon graphic of a coffee cup splayed across the front. It had been one of the first gifts you’d gotten him, intended to just be something silly and fun. He wore it as often as possible.

H.R rounded the sofa with a smile. “Feel better?”

“Much, thank you. And thank you for all this, coffee bean.”

H.R chuckled, kissing your forehead, “I’m not done yet, come on.” Taking your hands, he guided back around the sofa, motioning for you to settle down in the nest while he produced the butter-soft red blanket you adored so much. “I’ll be back.” Before you could question it, H.R vanished into the kitchen, reappearing a couple of minutes later with a steaming mug and a tablet tucked under his arm.

It took some careful moving to get him situated without spilling the contents, but soon you were both cuddled under the red blanket, with you tucked into his side and sipping at the delicious hot chocolate, he somehow always made it better, and H.R pulling up a book on the tablet.

It was perfect. You loved H.R’s reading voice, it was calm and soothing, and he’d picked a good book to read. One that had been on your list of favorites since you were young. It still astounded you how he’d learned so many tiny details about you, how he always wanted to learn more. One time when you’d questioned why he was so devoted to knowing everything there was to know, he’d said you were his favorite book to read and he intended on memorizing every word by heart.

Even now, months later, the memory had the heat creeping across your cheeks and made you want to bury your face in his neck.

H.R kept reading, continuing long after the hot chocolate was finished and the mug set aside, and into the later hours of the night. The only thing that changed was now that your drink was done, you were able to settle in even closer, to the point where you were half on his lap. Head resting on his chest, H.R held the tablet in one hand while the other came up to run through your hair, nails gently scratching along your scalp just the way you loved with each pass-through, leaving you to all but melt into him.

Only when the book was done did H.R stop, switching off the tablet, and tossing it behind him onto the sofa. “How’re you doing?”

“Mmm.”

H.R laughed softly, still playing with your hair. “That good, huh?”

“Yeah. That was perfect.”

“We can do it again over the weekend if you wish.”

The idea sounded like heaven. You wanted nothing more than to have a lazy weekend with H.R. “I can’t. There’s so much to do, I have to work.”

H.R tilted your head up. “You need to rest.”

“I can’t, the work-”

“Will the world end if you make it all wait until next week?”

“No, but-” A finger pressed over your lips, gently silencing you.

“No ‘buts’. You’re not responsible for fixing everything that is broken in this world, nor do you have to try to make everyone happy. It’s time to replenish, baby bean, and I’m going to make sure you take time for you.”

As easy-going as H.R usually was, you knew this time he wouldn’t accept any argument short of there being a legitimate emergency. In truth, you were glad of it. “Okay.”

“Good.” H.R drew you in for a kiss, palms covering your cheekbones. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You wondered if he truly knew just how much. You could never imagine being with anyone else now, never having felt this way with anyone before. You never could’ve been so yourself, so at ease, so vulnerable. You would’ve never let anyone else see you that way, even if you did feel a little guilty about laying such a burden on him. “Thank you for tonight, but I’m sorry it was up to you to pick up my broken pieces.”

H.R shook his head, bopping you lightly on the tip of the nose. “There is nothing to apologize for. That you allow me the privilege of trusting me enough to pick them up and put you back together again is the greatest honor I could ever ask for."

You weren't entirely sure what to say to that. So instead you kissed him again, pouring all the love and adoration you felt for him into it, keeping his face only a few inches away from yours even when it broke again.

"There it is," H.R said.

"What is?"

"The smile I've been searching for." He traced the curve of your lips with his finger as he spoke.

You hadn't realized you were smiling, but you were. For the first time since you'd dragged yourself in, you were smiling. Because of H.R. The best man in the multiverse. "How can I not smile when I'm with you? I'm the luckiest person in the world."

"I could argue that was me," he chuckled. "Maybe we're equally as lucky."

"I'll agree to that." Another kiss, this one with just the right amount of passion in it to make your stomach flip. Not tonight, but- "If I did try and sneak off to work tomorrow, what would you do?"

The smirk told you he knew exactly what you were saying. "Then, my baby bean, I'd have to cuff you to the bed."

"Now see, that's the problem, coffee bean. Now I'm going to have to make an escape attempt."

H.R dragged a finger along your cheek, sending goosebumps down your spine. "In that case, I'll make sure I'm ready."

"I can hardly wait."

Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee! (I’ll love you forever!)

#hr wells x reader #HR Wells #HR wells imagine #harrison wells x reader #The Flash

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we-rate-tmnt · 4 years

Note

Give us the Donatellos!

Donnie is my favorite so Imma be super biased on this one. Maybe I like smart guys or maybe purple is my favorite color, you’ll never know!

Up first, the og ‘hehe turgle’

Donatello (1987)

Yeah I’m sorry for making this

First of all, not the biggest fan of his voice. It has a bit of a whiny quality to it, and I’m not about all that jazz. His gismo’s look pretty lame a lot of the times, either it’s a grey box with some buttons, dials and flashing lights or looks like it was pulled directly from Lost in Space. Still a cute design but he felt pretty bland and seemed to be used for plot convenience most of the time. To put it simply, he was cute and essential but kinda bland. I’m always really harsh on this version because it’s so painfully dated and cheesy, which ain’t my cup of tea, but what can I say be hehe turgle.

5/10

I had a crush on this Donnie so you know that this is not remotely close to a fair rating but eh, I love him and yall do too

Don (2003)

His voice, such a huge improvement. I’m really sound-oriented and I often like to play a game of ‘I’ve heard the VA before, but which role?’ when I watch cartoons and I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at it. So when I heard that soft, caring voice, ten year old me was head over heels. Which is one quality I love about him. His heart is so huge, like I can think back to a bunch of side characters and most of them were introduced through Don helping or knowing them. The Atlantians and the homeless in the show owe so much to Don, but he goes out of his way to make sure that they are alright. In the last season (which everyone hated but I actually really liked so fuck me I guess), Splinter is lost into tiny pieces across the web and Don blames himself and goes without sleep and food for days to bring him back. It broke my heart, and I’m pretty sure a lot of others, to see him like that.

On a lighter note, I vaguely remember this one scene where the triceration dude is like ‘you did this!’ and Don’s like ‘I did? Good for me then.’ and had a very pleased grin on his face right after. I don’t know why, but that killed me. Bless Don and his rare, but excellent, comebacks.

He really does so much and there were quite a few episodes focused on him. He also had quite a bit of character development, not as much as Leo, but whoever gets any more development whatsoever besides Leo?

I love him he’s amazing protect him/10

Next up is the Donnie that helped me love my old gap tooth.

Donnie (2012)

Voiced by the very talented Rob Paulson, this Donnie goes back and forth from really great character to eh. The whole April thing was just kinda strange to me and I don’t really think it added anything other than some interesting Casey and Donnie banter. His crush was really strong the first two seasons and came off as stalkerish almost. Although I’m guilty of having a picture of a crush as my lock screen once as well, so I can’t judge that much. I really liked that they actually addressed this when Bigfoot had a crush on Donnie and he realized how April felt. Yeah, that episode was weird and just didn’t make any sense, but it really helped Donnie gain a new perspective and made him go from super crush to (mostly) hidden pining. He has a nice design as well, especially with the gap tooth. I used to have one and was really embarrassed of it but whenever I saw that Donnie had one, I thought it looked neat and I started to see myself in a more positive light. It’s closed up now, but I can still spray water between the little bit that’s left as a parlor trick. But seriously, what the FUCK was up with Don visiososoos whatever tf his name I I don’t understnad my tiny brain don’t understand why my purple boy tried to kill this dude who looked like he should’ve been wearing a red jumpsuit in the background of a pixar robot love story. Anyway, my tall gap tooth son, ily.

7/10

Then, the barely changed but fantastic

Donnie (Heroes in a Half Shell: Blast to the Past)

Baby but Bastard at the same time purely because of the ‘Anyone who bothers me, ejector seat button’s right there’ line.

10/10

Now this version has one of my favorite designs out of all the Donatello’s!

Donatello (2014/2016)

They put a lot of thought into his design psychically, the long body, the near-constant look of surprise and curiosity in his features, the gadgets made of common objects, the wraps on his arms, I would love to be able to think of and make those kinds of details! It was all really well thought out and he stood out since he wasn’t as bulky as the rest of the turtles. I really like the little lines and the actor did a fantastic job on the delivery and really made the character come to life. Some favorites: ‘Ohmygod, they have guns’, the little awed, snorty chuckle when he flips a car over with his bo staff, ‘doitdoitoitdoit im not gonna stop til you do it doditdoit’ and when he straight up yeets himself out of a plane. He has a genuine curiosity in everything he does and I think he might be my favorite version. It’s hard to choose when it comes to Donnie because he varies so wildly. But for detail, voice and writing alone, definitely the 2014 Donnie.

8.5/10

Next up is God himself

Donnie (2018)

Chaotic as all hell, like I can’t think of a more chaotic character from ANY of the versions other than this Donnie. I have a lot of thoughts about his character in general, from design, to psychology and complexes. First and foremost, Donnie is a softshell turtle, meaning he has a DOPE battle shell and overall looks pretty damn neat. Although, I think that just the fact he’s biologically weaker has caused him to put up a lot of boundaries between him and his family and friends. He can’t be incredibly strong like Raph, agile like Leo or fast like Mikey and even though he brags about being smart, he feels almost beneath his brothers and strives to outdo them in any way he can. He wants to show them that he’s just as, if not more so, talented and feels overlooked because his inventions become ‘too smart’ or ‘too over the top’ and even the ones that work out incredibly well are written off for flashier projects.

He depends on technology and feels like that's all he has, and (ironically enough) he’s built up a shield around him. He acts confident and narcissistic and has an almost nihilistic outlook, but he’s frustrated and feels inferior and wants validation more than anything. I came up with this theory when I saw the episode Turtle Dega Nights. I know that the scene was meant for Donnie to express how he feels about Splinter lying about the event and believe that he didn’t genuinely want to hang out with his sons, but that kind of thing feels like it’s been built up over time, like he’s been lied to before about the true meaning behind something. Something like, oh idk, how great his inventions are? Or how helpful he really is? Or how talented he is? Just sayin. Also ngl I might be self projecting a bit, but mmm. Also he has so much purple on him and it’s wayyy more accurate compared to just a purple bandanna bc people who like purple GO ALL OUT. A friend told me this and I thought ‘nah thats not true I like purple’ but then I looked down to find my dyed purple jeans, purple vans and my favorite hoodie, also purple. A really chaotic version but he seriously needs a hug.

9/10

Storytime: One time my friend dressed up as Donnie the same year I was dressing as April O’ Neal and we didn’t even plan it. It was fantastic.

Thank you so much for sending this in! Sorry it’s taking me so long to get around to these! I’m so glad you guys are liking my blog and my opinions!

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #TMNT 1987 #tmnt 2003 #TMNT 2012 #tmnt 2014 #rottmnt #Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #Asks #Donatello

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johndaltcn · 4 years

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WANTED IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK: TAYLOR DANVERS or A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MISSING HER.

Drowning. John could think of worse ways to die. A car accident where you hurl out of the windshield like a ragdoll, some form of cancer, being beaten to death, a gas leak, poison. The list was seemingly endless. John could have conjured new ideas with each breath, with each turn of his head, which each greeting. He’d be sitting opposite a middle-aged man with a greying beard and a beer belly who needed a new motor for his boat and, suddenly, dying of old age alone in your bedroom. Though, there was still drowning in the ocean. Perhaps he would have eventually given up the good fight when he was out there for too long. He’d wade into the eerie quiet of the sea. On days where the list feels useless, he imagines Taylor doing just that. A product of her surroundings, growing gills and a tail like they do in the movies. She’d be blue but shiny like a wet marble. Her arms would be spread and she’d be smiling up at the blue, blue sky and quietly go the way the world wanted. The way she wanted.

Waves. An interruption to a dream about a man stranded on an island. John stirs under his duvet, light from his window peeking through the heavy fabric of his curtains. The man eats a coconut with one hand and draws shapes in the sand with another. First, he draws a circle and then turns it into a smiley face. Next came a hard penis and then an ocean wave. A lonely, makeshift masterpiece.

As the sun comes up, the room becomes brighter, earning the sun to rise in his dreamscape. It looms just along the horizon, casting a glimmer of white and pale blue across the darkened sea. The edges look transparent paired with the white foam that laps against the sand. His toes dig hastily into the warmth there before the cool of the ocean comes running up his hairy ankles.

This was a nice dream. For now. A miracle. The man wanders around with a smile. He is alone but he is satisfied. No burdens have followed him to his little island. He may starve one day and become a mummy in the sand. Rich people in need of normalcy will arrive one day and find his skeleton perched against a palm tree. Inside his hands will hold a now withered, torn note that says I loved it here.

Dying alone stranded on an island. A piece of John’s brain leaves a reminder to write that down on his list of ways to die.

The man wakes once again after another island sleep, stretching his limbs with a hearty groan. The sun comes up just the same. Glimmering, warm. Today, there was a grey cloud somewhere in the East. Light eyes look to it with confusion. How dare the weather interrupt his state of mind. His shoulders frump like a disturbed toddler, padding across the sand and into the wild jungle where the leaves hung low and sweat became his best friend.

He walks and walks. He’s not sure why. Perhaps he was looking for an answer or someone to scold. The weather was sickeningly humid, the kind that makes every inch of you damp and slick. John could smell his own skin in his sleep. His own sweat too.

The man follows a path down a long line of dirt and sand. He reaches the other end of the island which is much more bleak. The clouds hang low and are a muggy shade of black and grey. The ocean is almost green like moss. It doesn’t lick the shore like the other end. No, it clings to it. It’s thickened over time, probably from oil and other grimes that he couldn’t name in this moment. To his right, he hears a strange sound. A wet but also dry sound that makes the hairs on his arms prick and rise. He looks, there’s a fish. It’s dying, moving around, and gasping for air. His throat tightens. Is it food or a test? He looks to the sky for an answer, perhaps from God, but it only darkens. He was very hungry and a nice, dying fish over a fire sounded like a blessing. But, by some impulse, he scoops the slimy thing up in his shaky hands and goes running through the thick jungle once more. He scrapes his arms and legs on branches as he runs and runs. The beat of his own heart becomes loud like a speaker on high. His breathing is jagged and he begins to squeak with each breath.

Once his slice of heaven comes into view once more, he dashes to the water. His perfect water with all the blues and whites. When he’s close enough, he places the squirming fish into the water. It flops around uselessly. John thinks he might have been dreaming about the stupidest fish in history. It flies right out of the water and onto the sand again.

Did this damn thing wish to die?

With that, he scoops it up again and basically tosses it into the water. “I’m trying to save you!” He yells though his words come out muffled. It sounded like his throat had been piled to the brim with cotton balls.

Then he turns, only to find that the shore had been covered in dead fish. Most of them squirmed and jumped along the sand, bouncing off one another helplessly. The sound was atrocious, like someone chewing loudly in his ear or rubbing their thighs against a wet sheet of marble.

It grows louder, the sound of dead fish and now gawking seagulls falling from the sky. They were hungry for fish but are too ambitious in their endeavor to feed. They crash land to the island and accompany the still dying fish. They’re dying now too. The sound becomes louder and louder and louder. The waves sound like nails brushing together. Rusty ones that have been since forgotten inside someone’s garage.

The man covers his ears and screams. He screams his cotton ball scream and wishes to go home to the mainland. There’s a rotted human hand poking out of the sand just at his feet before John wakes up, gasping for air.

Like in the movies, he hoists himself out of his bed upon waking up. His sweaty back presses carefully into the headboard once he comes to. He was alive, awake, and dry. Well, almost. A hand reaches up brush strands of hair that stick to his forehead. John swallows hard, breathing heavily for a few moments. Mostly to collect himself. It was often that he had nightmares like this. Though they were all different in certain ways, they did all have one thing in common. Water. Sea. John has come to accept that this was the price he had to pay for knowing and missing Taylor Danvers. It might have been the price of loving her too.

The covers are thrown from his body then, draping down and across his bed. The bottoms of his feet move to touch the cold hardwood of his bedroom which grounds him. You’re alive, John. Light that pokes from behind his curtains moves across the floor, creating a line from the window and to under his bed where most of Taylor’s things were stored. He could have easily stuffed them in a box within the back of his closet but something about that made John uneasy. Embarrassed, even. To him, it seemed like such a cliché and John was already coasting the line of borderline cliché these days. The nightmares were enough.

Once the sleep was rubbed from his eyes, John heads to his kitchen to make himself some coffee. He checks the digital clock above his stove. The bright green numbers read 8:12AM.

At least it was early. At least he hasn’t become like his father, waking up late in the afternoon and still drunk from the evening before. The smell of coffee begins to envelop his home as he opens the creaky cabinet above his head in search of a mug. He plucks one with a decorative J on the front, a lackluster birthday gift his mother had sent him one year. She was a month early but he appreciated the sentiment regardless. Sometimes anything was better than nothing from Jennifer Dalton.

While he continues to wait for the pot to brew, he pictures Taylor dancing around the kitchen in her underwear. She did that almost every day, making a mess in the kitchen as she attempted to make both pancakes and scrambled eggs at the same time. How she made a mess of something so simple, John would never know, but he had always found that endearing. Her dark, smooth hair was always thrown up in a bun at the top of her small head. Her eyes were wide and muddy brown like a cartoon lamb. She would kiss his cheek and say he looked “positively handsome” each morning and then slide him a steaming cup with his beverage of choice.

The memory makes him purse his lips into a tight line as he picks up the pot and pours the coffee into his mug. Though he can never quite combat his thoughts. A specific memory comes to mind as he moves to sit at the marble island in his kitchen.

....

Rain tapped along the large windows inside his living room. His home is Dallas was large but comfortable, something out of an interior design magazine you’d find in a doctor’s office. Taylor had been reading a book, cuddled underneath an old blanket of John’s. Taylor made a habit of staying the night after a while and John didn’t mind. He enjoyed her company. He had slid beside her, removing the book from her lap and placing it carefully on the coffee table. A wide, beaming smile graced her expression in no time. She ran her fingers through his dark beard. John had started to ask about her family. He thought maybe they could spend a Christmas or a Thanksgiving with them sometime. At the mention of family, Taylor’s expression fell. He knew that look, it was always the look she sported when something or someone made her uncomfortable.

“My family is disgusting,” She said through gritted teeth, scanning John’s expression as if he should have known that much. He only shook his head, feeling guilty. “Oh,” Is what he started with, a little lost for words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Taylor then went on about how her sister was a backstabbing bitch and that her mother was a liar and her father just the same. Apparently they had disowned her, cast her out like some unwanted puppy. The idea not only confused John but also baffled him. She was so intelligent, so willing, so creative. He couldn’t imagine what had happened to make something like this happen. To make her family dislike her with such vigor.

“Well, what happened?” John asked then, head canting to the side. He had to know. By then, John had told her everything. About her mother and her bloated lips, injected hips, and much younger boyfriends. His father and his proclivity for drinking himself into a haze. And, then, his sister, a Jennifer Dalton wannabe with manicured fingernails and a voice that sounded so feminine and so grainy that it made you want to rip your ears right from your head.

That’s when Taylor’s own brows knit together, a look of anger flashing across her face like a stroke of lightning. Had he said something wrong? Was he not meant to ask? John can vividly remember the feeling of panic that had washed over him in an instant. He could still feel it now like he was reliving the moment.

She had grabbed his arm. Tight. Her much smaller fingers left a reddened imprint on his skin there. “Do not ask me about my family. Ever. I’m here with you now, John,” She cooed, releasing his arm then to stroke the sides of his face, “Nothing else matters but me and you. I want to forget them.”

At the time, that seemed fair enough. John had done so much to forget his own family, as well, especially once he moved away and his parents got divorced. Who was he to judge her or her reaction? He’d learn more about her past eventually. Someday. Perhaps this was how love worked. You had to fight for it and you had to deal with the pretty and all the ugly too. He remembers reading that somewhere. But he also might have heard it come from Jennifer’s mouth.

....

Back to the present, back to reality. Looking back, he should have known. Even then. The truth of the situation was that Taylor’s family had endlessly tried to have her arrested. For many things, actually. Theft, stalking, assault, battery, and more. She had once broken a Coke bottle and threatened to stab her sister and her boyfriend with it before running off to wherever it is she went. She always did that, apparently. Ran away, even as a child. After her death, John had taken a detour to Long Island, where she was from. It was a brief visit though her family was willing to tell John just what he needed to know.

Taylor was troubled, unsettling, and not the greatest person in the world. Not by a long shot. She stole and mostly survived, never really living. Apparently, they had a grandmother like this too who died of something that John can’t remember. All he remembers is something about alcohol being involved.

Meeting Taylor’s family, for some reason, made it easier to make up scenarios or reasons why. To this day, he does regret seeking out the truth. He wished he would have let it remain a mystery, an unknown woman coming into his life who made him fall in love but then died in the process. That sounded much better than discovering that Taylor Danvers was an unstable woman who had no true moral compass.

But, she was exactly that. As time went on, John began to see her as a lonely woman rather than a bad one. He started to look for excuses that, soon enough, formed into a ball of guilt. Perhaps she was depressed, maybe her family wasn’t telling the truth, maybe she needed a friend, maybe she lied about stalking, maybe something happened to her when she was young, maybe this, maybe that, maybe anything.

An alarm sounding through John’s home rips him from his thoughts. He sets his mug down and races back to the kitchen. He doesn’t know when he wandered into his living room. This usually happened when John’s thoughts went too deep, when he spiraled. A pan of scrambled eggs were burning on the stove. John didn’t even remember putting them up. With a shaky hand, he shuts off the stove and tosses the pan into the sink, running it under cold water. He grabs a dishtowel and fans the place and then his smoke alarm until it stops beeping.

Burning to death in a housefire. He mentally writes that down, adding it to his long list of excuses.

#drabble.#character development.#water tw #death tw #drowning tw #violence tw #stalking tw #i read over this FOUR TIMES if there are typos i'll start flying and break through the atmosphere and then explode #anyway....just some insight on taylor hehe

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homespork-review · 4 years

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Homespork Act 4, Part 2: Flight of the Paradox Groans

BRIGHT: Remember Spades Slick being bizarrely aware he was in a comic, back in the Intermission? Buckle up, things are about to get even more fourth-wall-breaking. Appropriately, this starts by the comic focusing on an actual fourth wall, which activates to show...Andrew Hussie.

Hussie’s MS Paint avatar notices the audience watching him, laments that his side of the wall doesn’t have an off switch, and then recaps the first year of Homestuck.

Now, in all fairness: The recap is thorough, full of links, and explains things fairly well. It’s quite long, but given how much territory it has to cover I’m not sure it could be any shorter. So it does its job well, and it’s a boon if you’re getting lost with the plot.

As for the author insertion...on this occasion I don’t mind it. It comes across as tongue-in-cheek, but framed more as the author talking to the reader than as the author inserting himself into the narrative. It’s definitely very Homestuck.

Anyway, AH gets back to work, and after a couple of false starts we return to John!

John is still flying around with his jet pack. GC trolls him to offer him a world map of LOWAS and tell him she feels awful about killing him, although in literally the next line she tells him that technically he never even died so she doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. John understandably finds this disturbing. They have a brief nonsensical discussion about Jesus/Jegus, and then John agrees to go take a look at what’s on the other side of his Second Gate. Yes, on the advice of someone whose previous advice got him killed.

CHEL: Almost a shame we didn’t set up a Too Dumb To Live count, but then to be fair that was a separate timeline and he’s probably not thinking of it as something that “really” happened. This is supported by his later dialogue.

FAILURE ARTIST: The word Jegus is really popular in the Homestuck fandom, used far more often than it is in the canon. Gets quite annoying, in my opinion. Actually, a rather Jesus-like figure does appear, but he’s not called “Jegus”.

CHEL: Yeah, I think only Terezi, John, and Dave ever use the term, but it somehow became latched onto as an actual term used by trolls in general, even though in canon it isn’t.

BRIGHT: Fortunately, this time GC appears to be playing nice. John flies though the Second Gate and emerges...into LOLAR?

FAILURE ARTIST: Hussie does an amusing trick where he has what looks like a loading screen for a flash but it’s actually a still image eternally at 2%.

BRIGHT: Yes, it’s LOLAR. John promptly crashes into Rose’s house, smashing through a wall and into her bedroom, where Rose is still snoozing in her knitting pile. Apart from briefly being stuck upside down, he does not appear injured by this collision.

Rose has somehow slept through the commotion. John decides to let her rest and borrows her computer to talk to Dave.

The first one he talks to is actually Davesprite, who points out how moronic John was to listen to GC again. No arguments here! Then he explains how the Gate system works: Odd-numbered Gates, above players’ houses, lead to somewhere on their planets. Even-numbered Gates lead to other players’ planets, exiting over their houses. Normally they aren’t meant to go through even-numbered Gates until the houses are built up, so they don’t fall to their deaths, but fortunately John has a jetpack workaround. So far Davesprite is living up to his promise of being straightforward.

John realises he’s talking to Future Dave, and asks “do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?”

...ouch, John.

Davesprite goes off on a tear, ranting that he is a real Dave — arguably the realest Dave, since he’s been running around LOHAC for months trying to get enough information to save everyone. John apologises sincerely.

CHEL: This won’t be the last we hear of this theme, though.

EB: i think i pissed off your future self. TG: what did you do EB: i said he wasn't the real dave. TG: ahahahahaha EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! TG: pff TG: dont worry about it EB: why not? TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit TG: and hes me

BRIGHT: Not a hundred percent sure I believe Dave, there.

CHEL: Dave uses John to snoop around Rose’s room and get the captcha code for her journals. Classy, Dave. Not a SLAMMER point, however, as this does come back to bite him very soon.

Rose’s dreamself has awoken on Derse, the purple planet, and flies across to the opposite tower. Dave’s dreamself appears to be awake, sitting upright in his computer chair; the room is entirely an unsettling bloody red colour apart from the SBaHJ cartoons on the walls, and… oh shit, there’s Lil Cal again, now in a long purple nightdress and hopping around the room on his own. If Rose was having nightmares because of dreamself issues, I can only imagine how Dave’s nightmares must look. Rose throws a ball of yarn at Dave’s dreamself, alerting him, and causing the awake Dave to pass out.

Back in Rose’s room, it seems that Charles Barkley quote was not misattributed:

FAILURE ARTIST: Another SBaHJ reference in the book quote. Is that where Dave got it?

Still, I don’t recall this book ever coming up again. Just another item that seems like a Chekhov's Gun but isn’t.

CHEL: John feels guilty about opening his birthday gift from Rose, but reasons that it’s technically now his anyway, so he does, finding another bunny, this one black and filthy-looking except for the pristine knitted purple patches repairing it, though its shape is eerily familiar.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours. I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.

Oh my gosh, awwwwww. Even if you don’t ship them romantically how can you not love their interactions? Definitely one of the comic’s strong points. Also I need to go hug my childhood teddy bear.

John puts the bunny back in the box again and the box in his sylladex, freeing Casey the salamander while he’s at it. And let’s just take a minute to feel utter horror because dead John still had Casey in his sylladex, so the best option is that she died too, and the worst is that we have an And I Must Scream situation on for a baby salamander. Gah.

FAILURE ARTIST: Thanks, I’d never thought of that and I never want to again.

You aren't actually sure if she is a girl though. You don't even know if salamanders can be girls. Aren't they hermaphrodites or something?

CHEL: No, for the record. Though some frogs can switch from one to the other.

FAILURE ARTIST: Casey is very popular as a name for an OC child of John (often having Rose as the mother).

CHEL: John answers Rose’s Pesterchum, upon which GA is half-heartedly sending antagonistic messages. John answers on Rose’s account, saying that Rose is asleep, which GA takes for Human Sarcasm, prompting John to pretend to be Rose.

GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. TT: you look kind of like... TT: howie mandel from little monsters.

Wait, how does he know? Am I forgetting a point at which he saw them?

BRIGHT: I always assumed that he was just goofing around and his guess happened to land in the right ballpark, but thinking about it, I’m not sure the kids ever express surprise at the trolls’ appearance.

CHEL: John, pretending to be Rose, talks about how awesome John is.

GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is

CHEL: Both. Both is good!

FAILURE ARTIST: Knowing what we do of troll culture later this is an odd statement. Heck, it’s just an odd statement. Maybe this is why people think trolls don’t do friendship.

CHEL: John apparently confuses GA by saying it’s because Rose is thoughtful and John appreciates his gift, and suggests GA talk to John.

TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?

GA sounds very annoyed, and leaves, intending to have the conversation with John that she had previously. We see her, GC, and the horns of AT and an unknown troll in the grey room, now revealed to be a computer laboratory. For some reason she chats via Pesterchum with another troll instead of just walking over to talk to them. This new troll is twinArmageddons, an appropriate name for the circumstances, who type2 iin yellow text liike thii2; he is, as it turns out, the hacker guy GC mentioned earlier. TA is busy setting up the network and seems irritable in general, and is not willing to help GA work her viewport.

TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.

Nice callback, but trolls, as we’ll later find out, don’t have presidents.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 14

GA wonders why TA doesn’t want to talk to her, and TA complains that he knew in advance the trolls were doomed and no one believed him. He refuses to troll the humans himself but is setting up the system so the others can in order to get them to leave him alone. GA asks again for help, to no avail.

TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2. TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are. TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology. TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.

Ooh, a threefer plus one! Tacky simile for the Problematykks. As for WSP, we’ll later find out that 1) trolls kill all their criminals, 2) trolls don’t give a shit about the welfare of their children, and 3) trolls don’t appear to actually go to school. These two counts are neck and neck in the lead now!

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 17 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 17

BRIGHT: As with much of Homestuck, the trolls give the impression of being made up as Hussie went along. That’s not entirely a bad thing -- it certainly makes the comic pretty unique -- but it does lead to some out-of-place slip-ups.

Anyway, GA chucks her F1 key at TA’s head and then starts poking him. We also see CG in the lab.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think I recall GA/TA were a popular ship before we learned more about GA. It does seem like they have a Rose & Dave dynamic going on.

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Rose and Dave have a dance party to Dave’s music while accompanied by some crows and Lil Cal, who keeps teleporting around the room. Rose eventually gets tired of Cal’s shenanigans and hurls him out of the window, to the relief of many.

FAILURE ARTIST: The flash originally included music by Bill Bolin. In fact, it was his unfinished music being included here that caused all the drama in the first place.

BRIGHT: Time for some random interludes! First up is Maplehoof the pony, who is following Rose’s mother through a large cave which, judging by the grist lying around, recently contained very dangerous monsters.

FAILURE ARTIST: Apparently pets can collect grist for their masters...and know what grist is despite being a normal(?) animal.

BRIGHT: First Mom, and then Maplehoof, stand on a transportaliser platform and disappear. Second is Dad, who has just acquired a replacement shoe and hat (which showed up in the walkaround game, way back at the beginning of the Act), when he encounters a familiar-looking stranger with a Colonel Sassacre book, who leads him to another transportalizer platform. Both of these interludes do become relevant later, but at the time they seem a tad unnecessary.

Meanwhile, John uses Rose’s alchemiter and a code Davesprite gave him mid-rant to produce a truly epic hammer called FEAR NO ANVIL. It’s far too big for John to wield, but fortunately he can use the scaling upgrade on the alchemiter to reduce it to a more useable size. ...wait. When did Rose’s alchemiter get a scaling upgrade? Dave and Jade added a lot of modifications to his, but Rose’s should be the original edition. Sigh.

EB: so what is this? EB: the thing the code made... TG: really powerful hammer EB: how do you know? EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers. TG: i cant TG: better be though TG: got it from hephaestus EB: who's that? TG: really tough to kill dude EB: you killed him for it? TG: nope EB: how'd you get it then? TG: shenanigans EB: ok.

...and we’re back to sprite evasiveness. Davesprite is being less than forthcoming here, although it’s less obvious than with Nannasprite because it superficially imitates John and Dave’s bantering.

CHEL: Now, this would be a good way of keeping us interested if we were eventually going to see how he did it, and also they have a time limit, so not going off into a long anecdote would be understandable. However, we’ll see how his evasiveness level proceeds in the future.

BRIGHT: Dream Rose and Dave see John using Rose’s alchemiter on Dream Dave’s computer. Rose wakes up.

FAILURE ARTIST: It is interesting how early Homestuck avoided having characters have face-to-face conversations. Would have been unique if it kept up throughout the entire comic.

BRIGHT: Back in the meteor, GA hassles TA into opening the viewport on her computer. This turns out to be as simple as clicking on the point in Rose’s timeline that she wants to see. No wonder TA was frustrated!

Of course, by this point, the only one left in the room is Rose, now awake, and the young salamander. Rose hurries to catch up with John, but he blasts off to explore before she can reach him, taking her mutated kitten with him.

CHEL: John renames Vodka Mutini to Dr Meowgon Spengler, and Rose renames Casey to Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer. Interesting link to the themes of identities which are starting to crop up, though it’s not really a direct analogue. The animals are the same animals with different names; the alternate timeline characters have the same names and superficially the same identities, but are they really the same people after their new experiences?

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Lil Cal inexplicably lands on a stray rocket board, catching the attention of AR.

You're not sure which laws are being broken, but it is probably a lot.

AR follows Cal to yet another transportaliser, and they both dematerialise.

We jump back to John, who spies a boat on one of the islands dotting LOLAR and lands to investigate. He follows hoofprints in the sand into a subterranean hallway filled with monsters. Fortunately his new hammer has time powers, which stun the monsters long enough for John to kill them. Further on, he finds the transportaliser Mom used. John, naturally, stands on it, and is transported to a meteor in the Veil.

Actually, it’s not just a meteor; it’s one of the laboratories where the Skaian troops are produced. John, along with the cat and Maplehoof, finds a bunch of chess guys being grown in glass jars on a giant podium. Most of them are the standard carapaces we’re familiar with, but there are also a few larger pieces, apparently based on knights and rooks. He also finds a JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST’S LAB SUIT, and another of those strange house-shaped sets of monitors.

On Prospit, PM is preparing to board a shuttle to Skaia when a COURTYARD DROLL sneaks up behind her. Unaccountably, she fails to notice him, despite the fact that he’s wearing a hat larger than he is. CD successfully pickpockets the White Queen’s ring, and PM departs for Skaia, none the wiser.

CD radios the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY to report mission success, and is told that he doesn’t need to keep wearing his ridiculous outfit, per orders from Jack Noir, who is now going by the SOVEREIGN SLAYER. CD says he’d rather keep wearing the outfit. Apart from the sword-through-the-chest part, it is a very nice outfit, so I’m with CD on this one.

Catastrophe is averted by Jade delivering a flying kick to CD’s head and following up with a very efficient smackdown. Her robot body replicates this back on Earth, beating the stuffing out of her mummified grandfather. Jade retrieves the ring, and puts it on her fingers to remind herself to give it back to PM later. Unfortunately, this doesn’t cause Jade to sprout wings and tentacles. Seems the rings don’t work on humans like that.

Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse, a WARWEARY VILLEIN is getting tired of the battle between Derse and Prospit. The next animation is called “WV?: Rise Up” and it’s one of my favorites! When I first read Homestuck I had to watch it a few times before I understood what was going on, but it is a very neat video.

Watch on YouTube

The Battlefield has been prototyped three times, and is now spherical. The forces of Derse and Prospit meet. The usual carapaces with swords are backed up by larger pieces -- some of them very strange -- and by battleships clashing in the sky. In the chaos, WV, who is farming peacefully on Skaia, has his home and farm burned down. He raises a flag and addresses the troops of both armies. Elsewhere, Jack Noir appears, flying over the Battlefield in search of the Black King.

WV rallies the armies and tells them that their real enemies are the monarchs, who are responsible for the war. Encouraged, the Dersite and Prospitan troops band together and march on the Black King.

Meanwhile, PM has reached the White King and discovers that she no longer has the White Queen’s ring. The White King listens to her and hands over his scepter, which seems to represent Skaia and serves a similar function to the Queens’ rings. Behind a nearby hill, the Hegemonic Brute radios somebody to report the transfer.

As WV and the united armies reach the Black King, Jack arrives and slices the Black King’s scepter in half, nullifying its powers and turning the Black King back into a normal carapace. PM is attacked by HB, who knocks the White King’s scepter out of her hand; it falls down a waterfall. Jack Noir beheads the Black King and turns to WV, and the animation ends.

...okay, much as I love it, I have to admit there’s a glaring question here: Namely, the kids started playing the Game less than a day ago and Dave’s kernelsprite has been prototyped for a few hours max. The second prototyping made the Battlefield more complex and the third took it into its current form. That’s a very short time to instigate a cross-faction revolution, organise the troops, and march on a monarch. For that matter, how long has WV been a farmer? The inhabitants of Derse and Prospit have obviously been doing their thing all the kids’ lives, but the Battlefield was supposedly a static, rudimentary space until John entered the Medium, so what gives?

Then again, the timeline in the Medium is supposed to be distinct from the timeline on Earth, so maybe that explains it?

CHEL: An interesting point is also raised by WV’s revolution. Namely, Derse is presented as a kingdom of darkness and evil by the game, while Prospit is presented as good. However, while PM is good, WV and AR are demonstrably not bad people either. In this animation, we see carapaces of both sides apparently don’t want to be involved in the war and are willing to rise up against the Black King. The rank-and-file carapaces on both sides, it seems, are decent people who are just following orders. (Not to mention very cute.) Jack Noir and his gang are nasty pieces of work, except CD who’s also just kind of going along with it, but there’s nothing saying white carapaces couldn’t also be… And is that a Problematykks point, presenting the black-coloured people as bad and the white-coloured ones as good? I know they’re chess pieces, but still.

This raises the question, however, what’s Derse’s motive? Are its rulers and archagents simply destroying for the evulz? I wonder. I also wonder how much Skaia itself is involved in this and how aware it is. Skaia is called the crucible of creation, and it’s responsible for the creation of the carapaces too. References are made to it “seeing” and “knowing”; it’s quite possibly sentient, though maybe not sapient. On top of that, SBurb is specifically a game, and a game needs an objective, and an adventure-type game needs enemies. Derse, it seems likely, was created and presented the way it is in order to give the players something to battle against even if its people don’t want to be their enemies. No wonder WV’s pissed!

BRIGHT: Yup. Hmm, thinking about it...the imps and other enemies we saw attacking John’s house early on were obviously Dersite, but the ones we’ve seen in Rose’s seem to be Prospitian, if anything? The colour scheme looks that way, at least. But Nanna said earlier that Derse was the enemy, nothing about Prospit.

Perhaps it has something to do with Rose being a Derse dreamer, while John is a Prospit dreamer? But in that case I’d have expected it to come up in the text. Instead it just goes unremarked.

Rose goes on a massive alchemising spree and ends up creating the Thorns of Oglogoth, a pair of wands.

The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.

Instead of throwing the wands away, Rose takes on the enemies camping all over her house, with style.

Meanwhile, Dave goes on another, less visibly productive alchemising spree.

GET ON WITH IT!: 18

FAILURE ARTIST: The SBaHJifier could be considered productive in that it provides foreshadowing cartoons. Wish Dave’s Brain in a Jar came up again.

BRIGHT: Once he’s done creating smuppet variations to disturb the monsters encroaching on his house, he sits down to take a look at those two journals he copied from Rose earlier. One of them is called ‘MEOW’, and is literally just those same four letters, repeated over and over in different orders. The second is ‘Complacency of the Learned’.

There is no way to adequately recap the beauty of ‘Complacency of the Learned’, so we’re just going to show the whole thing:

Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the wise, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe. Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation. "You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation. "I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written." "What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in. "I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more pressing line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now. Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike. It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets. His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake. And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency. "We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)

Wow.

Dave is understandably intimidated by this, and decides to stop reading for now. He puts his copy of the SBURB Beta in the notebook to act as a bookmark, and leaves both books in his room for later.

Then he checks in on Rose, who is burning her version of the MEOW book.

CHEL: Dave inquires about the wizard story.

TG: i thought you hated wizards TG: whats the deal with that TT: I like wizards. TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me. TG: oh man thats so messed up TG: that you think that TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always

Once again, we see exactly how fucked-up Rose’s relationship with her mother is. Mom Lalonde has somehow managed to raise a child in such a way that Rose interprets everything her mother does as an attempt to mock and provoke her.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 16

TIER: The Lalondes are pretty damn dysfunctional as a family unit, and considering the zany nature of early Homestuck and its world's weird logic that is saying something indeed.

CHEL: As for the MEOW book, it turns out the gods from the Furthest Ring informed Rose while she was sleeping that the book’s contents are highly dangerous and must be destroyed. Said gods dwell in the sky above Derse; Dave’s never heard or seen them, but Rose points out his dreamself is always wearing shades, listening to music, and distracted by Cal.

TT: You're the prince of the moon. TG: ........ TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience. TG: ..........................

Davesprite chats to Rose next. She protests at being spied on by two people, but Davesprite asks her why she burned the codebook. She didn’t need to in the future, but according to her future memories of the gods absorbed from her future dreamself, Davesprite appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past. A sinister and familiar face watches through Dave’s window, soon proving to be the Draconian Dignitary, while Dave and Davesprite awkwardly spout elaborate mixed metaphors about how safe they are, until Dave, embarrassed, says "so i guess ill go back down and burn that book".

As any savvy reader could guess, he’s too late. The prompt suggests that he should go back in time to stop the books from being stolen, but, well...

It looks like you already tried that. GORE GALORE: 10

Dave looks completely undisturbed, but whether he is undisturbed is a different matter. He flings the corpse out the window into the lava, claiming it would freak Jade out.

John, in the lab, presses a button, causing the first monitor to depict his town, shortly before his birth. There is a Betty Crocker factory and a shopping mall, neither of which are in the town now. Zooming in locks a target over Nanna Egbert, who is taking a stroll with Dad. A meteor looms; this looks like it’s going to go very badly, considering the target lock, but it hits the factory instead. When John presses the glowing blue button, a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Nanna is created; refer back to Rose’s experimentation in the lab and the green slime blobs. This time, the slime is sucked into a tube.

The next monitor does something similar with Grandpa Harley on his ship, and the next the same with Bro Strider, who stands over a meteor crater on an unseasonably warm day; something of an understatement, as the sky is the same lurid red and the sun the same glowing spiral that they were during the Strider bros’ battle even though it’s December. Bro is, regardless, prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades. What he needs these for will soon be revealed.

The fourth monitor goes back to John’s home town, a gigantic crater where the factory once was. In the shopping mall, Dad Egbert stands outside a joke shop, while Nanna apparently remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.

Mom Lalonde, clutching the infant Rose and wearing a rather snazzy long Jaspersprite-pink scarf, has come to town to study the meteor impact at the request of Grandpa Harley while he explores elsewhere. Unfortunately, now is the time a meteor chooses to strike Nanna’s location, destroying the shop.

An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.

Wait for it.

Mom Lalonde flees, dropping her scarf, which Dad Egbert picks up and slightly creepily sniffs. The monitor continues tracking her, and John captures her paradox imprint too, starting the machines whirring away...

Four babies abruptly appear on the pad, already diapered and bespectacled and old enough to sit up unaided. Convenient, no?

When the kitten jumps on a green button, the slime is blended in pairs; Nanna’s and Grandpa’s, and Mom’s and Bro’s. More blinking lights ensue, and another four extremely familiar-looking babies appear.

BRIGHT: I will say this: These kids are adorable.

While babies clamber over him, John vaults up his echeladder to the rank of Ectobiolobabysitter, acquiring one million Boondollars in the process. This automatically converts itself to a Boonbuck, the weight of which smashes his Porkhollow.

Finding out just what is going on here will have to wait, as the comic takes a brief detour to a battleship navigating the Medium nearby. There’s someone very familiar at the wheel…

An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.

Also aboard the ship are Dad Egbert and Mom Lalonde. Dad returns Mom’s scarf, and the two of them hold hands as Grandpa Harley pilots the ship towards Skaia.

We return to the lab, where John has his hands full with the babies. One of them has managed to break one of the paradox slime jars from earlier, but appears uninjured. Also, CG’s trolling him again.

CHEL: CG makes mention of the ULTIMATE RIDDLE, but John is confused because CG hasn’t told him about that yet. He uses an ableist description in explaining.

CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER. CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT. CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE. CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE. CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS. CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 18

… why wouldn’t you just hop right back to the start and work in a linear fashion from there?

TIER: Because CG excels at making things complicated for himself and is fundamentally rather stubborn and set in his ways/actions. Like he's made his bed, he's gonna lie in it.

CHEL: Anyway, CG banters with John for a bit, and then informs him that he (John) has arrived in the Veil and created infant versions of the players and their guardians.

EB: so they are like cloned copies of us? CG: NO. CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS. CG: PARADOX CLONES.

A paradox clone, we are informed, is A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED. The game worlds contain many clues hinting at the ultimate destiny of the players to create their own selves through the game, and the only way things could possibly go involved the players creating themselves, or else the game session would never happen.

CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE. CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Tragic and completely unnecessary, when there are millions of perfectly good humans already in existence who could just as easily create winning game sessions without this aspect of it. Here we see another aspect of Homestuck which hasn’t come up quite so clearly before; an extremely weird take on determinism. I’m not sure if this is meant as a parody of Chosen One plotlines or if Hussie just thought it sounded cool, but it’s uncomfortable. As it turns out, only clones created by SBurb have a hope in hell of winning the game, and even they fail most of the time. Regular people who enter the game to save themselves from the destruction of the planet will fail and die there, which honestly is not really selling this game as a good thing, since it’s what causes the destruction of the planet in the first place. I’ve had actual, legitimate, honest-to-God nightmares about this aspect of SBurb, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think many fans wish to play SBurb. There’s lots of fan sessions and fake GameFAQs and custom Lands. Yet in reality SBurb is not a fun time. This is cosmic horror. I think Hussie is sometimes playing it for horror and sometimes he ignores the implications.

Then again, some people want to live on the troll planet, which is straight-up dystopia.

CHEL: Again, it isn’t really clear what he’s going for. Is it supposed to be terrifying or did he just think it would be clever? Does even Hussie know what he was going for? While it’s not exactly a joke, I think it’s worth another point here:

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 17

It might be a joke. As I said, I could see it as a parody of or playing with the Chosen One narrative. In this case, literally only the chosen ones have any hope, for reasons that are not down to any merit of their own. But if it is, there isn’t really much made of it.

Of course, the reasons people want to live on the troll planet are reasonable when taken alone, but a) contradicted every alternate scene and b) not a fair trade for everything else that’s going on there. But we’ll get to that when we actually see it. And I admit, SBurb powers would be fun, but not worth the loss of my entire species.

TIER: To me at least it's fun in the same way wondering how I'd fare as a wizard during Harry Potter's years at Hogwarts, or a ninja in Naruto is. Fundamentally you'd rather want to never encounter this sorta stuff even if you get some swanky I guess powers, but the mental exercise of it is quite honestly, really fun. The game has quite a lot of interesting things to poke around with, from lands to quests to what your co-players are up to. And I'm def guilty of playing trollsona games, because the world presented is just really fascinating in its gruesome glory.

Never want to have to actually go through it, Lord knows I'd be dead within the first ten minutes if I'm super lucky, but stories about it are pretty neat.

CHEL: That’s true, but the paradox clones thing seems almost to be taunting us for having that mentality. We can pretend we’d be the super-smart strong competent ones who make it, but in this universe if we demonstrably have parents we’re doomed to die for nothing and there’s nothing we can do about it.

BRIGHT: Another fun thing about this is that it fundamentally isolates the players from the rest of humanity. If you think about it, unless they have children with a non-player, they are completely unrelated to anyone else on Earth.

CHEL: And they can’t have kids with a non-player unless something thoroughly horrible happened, because as is stated later SBurb specifically takes its players away and destroys their planet around the point of their puberty.

BRIGHT: Although I think John is actually related to Dad — as far as we’re told, Dad is in fact Nanna’s biological son, which makes him genetically John’s half-brother.

They also miss out on (going by how active the babies are) the first couple of years of life. Those two years are crucial in terms of brain development. SBURB probably controls for that, but it wouldn’t be surprising if there were negative consequences.

Oh, and if you’re a player, your existence means your civilisation is doomed. Lovely!

CHEL: And do the players ever feel any guilt or conflict over this? Do they hell. It doesn’t even occur to them, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to Hussie either.

TIER: Welcome to the hell game that is SBURB; it's fundamentally pretty fucked up! It runs on a hellish scale of "things have already been predetermined" and I am Big Fear™.

CHEL: That’ll come up later, too, but there it’s obviously intentional nightmare fuel, and not at all a bad use of time travel as a story device.

CG, meanwhile, explains that he was the one to create his session’s players. With twelve of them it was a bit more complicated, but troll lineages are complicated anyway, and we’ll find out how later.

The babies are still getting all over the lab. Note that they're repeatedly referred to as "little pink monkeys". Then again, calling a non-white child a monkey really wouldn't be good.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 18

John’s infant self has latched onto the Sassacre book, while his infant Nanna is sitting in Dad Egbert’s old hat. Baby Bro is napping in the lap of Lil Cal; that baby’s braver than I am, I can tell you that. Baby Dave is sitting on Maplehoof, and baby Grandpa has found a pair of pistols. John does not take them away from him, or even seem to notice he has them.

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 7

BRIGHT: Earlier baby Bro broke one of the paradox slime cylinders and was sitting in it. John is pretty astoundingly bad at keeping babies away from obvious hazards.

TIER: That or the equipment is probably not sturdy enough to make it past an inspection into faulty management.

CHEL: But then he’s distracted by CG trolling him again, at least this time moving forward in time from the last conversation.

CG, like GA, apparently fails to grasp sarcasm...

EB: we had this great dare going. EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative. EB: and you totally lost, dude! EB: you were hella helpful. CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE. [...] CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.

… which is weird because moments later he uses it himself.

EB: do you even have elves? CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE. CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!

Hussie seems to waver back and forth a lot on whether trolls get sarcasm or not, in general. Since he’s contradicting himself with troll worldbuilding, that’s a point.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19

Banter aside, he informs John that the babies are sent to Earth via meteors during the Reckoning.

BRIGHT: How do they survive the impact? Some of those meteor strikes destroy buildings. Those are some ridiculously resilient kids.

CHEL: Cut to AR, who is still having fun on the rocketboard, until he runs into a frog temple atop a meteor. This is apparently horrifying and illegal by his standards.

You are going to throw whoever is responsible into the slammer. You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.

Inside, he finds an empty time capsule, like Jade’s, some complicated machinery, and a monitor screen showing a greyscale house with a very familiar bespectacled female infant and dirty old hat in it. The year depicted, says the monitor, is 1910. Enter none other than Colonel Sassacre himself.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness.

An explosion outside leads them both to a crater, where once stood the doghouse of the colonel’s pet, Halley, but before the Colonel can investigate further he’s shot through the heart.

This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.

BRIGHT: I remain baffled as to how Baby Grandpa can even lift those things, let alone pull the triggers.

CHEL: Baby Grandpa crawls from the crater, and Halley the dog turns out to be alive.

The young boy has difficulty pronouncing the name though. Sounds more like "Harley" when he says it.

How does he know it? The colonel died before he even noticed the baby was there. Is baby Nanna speaking well enough to tell him yet? I guess he could be told later, as Sassacre wasn’t in fact their only sapient guardian...

Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell. His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.

It isn’t clear why she didn’t go with him, or leave under her own power. They don’t seem to be imprisoned, as the panel depicts them outside on grass with no restraints or guards over them, so it’s not a matter of only one of them being able to get out. That’s a point for Nanna not trying and a point for Grandpa not bringing her:

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 9

That dog is also remarkably lively, considering it, unlike Bec, is an entirely normal dog, it was an adult thirteen years previously, and it’s somehow supporting the weight of an entire teenager on its back (again, please don’t try this at home, you can break the dog’s spine that way).

FAILURE ARTIST: As we’ve said, Colonel Sassacre is a thinly-veiled Mark Twain expy. The real Mark Twain died in 1910 at the same time Halley’s Comet was in the sky. It’s a cute historical gag having him be literally killed by a comet but it does muck up the timeline. Nanna must have been a senior citizen when Dad was born. Perhaps he’s adopted?

CHEL: The other option is that Dad is a senior citizen now, but surely John would have wondered why his dad is so ridiculously old. I think it’s just that thing in mainstream comics and cartoons where adults are split into Old and Not Old, and the parents are normal ages for parents but the grandparents would have to be in their hundreds going by the gags. See how Scrooge McDuck in the DuckTales reboot is over a hundred and forty years old yet his sister’s son is still a youngish adult.

AR notes that the appearifier is centred over Halley the dog, but hears someone coming. It proves to be the Draconian Dignitary. AR hides and watches, noting that DD is carrying Rose’s notebooks and Dave’s beta envelopes. DD keeps the MEOW book, but throws away the other items. Complacency of the Learned lands on the floor, and the envelopes land in the time capsule, which sets to bloom in four hundred and thirteen million years.

Meanwhile, John talks to CG while infant Mom Lalonde pets the mutant kitten. John asks if there’s any way to delay the Reckoning, but nope; CG warns him that the smallest meteors will start going in only a few minutes.

EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why! EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly? CG: JACK NOIR.

The Jack Noir from the trolls’ game session allied with them and helped them dethrone and exile the Black Queen, while the one from the humans’ session, as you may recall, killed the Black Monarchs and gained their powers, and is currently rampaging through the Incipisphere. John asks if it’s the same Jack Noir, but CG explains.

CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING… EB: like an ace? CG: SURE OK.

The trolls don’t know what went so differently to cause the two Jacks to behave so differently, but CG doesn’t think it matters by now. John interrupts him, deciding to do yet another Con Air ending re-enactment.

Watch on YouTube

Recap: montage of Con Air posters and images to the tune of “How Do I Live Without You”. John hands the thoroughly disgusting Con Air bunny to the protesting baby Rose, while CG watches huffily on his monitor. Jade demands a toy too, so John hands her the bunny he received from Rose in an excessively dramatic fashion. CG frustratedly hits himself in the head. In scribbly crayon-like drawings, Casey the salamander performs a drum solo with glowing blue mushrooms for drums and the Con Air plane crashes. More Con Air imagery, John embraces baby Jade and the baby Lalondes while sobbing; GC points and laughs at him over CG’s shoulder and they have a slapfight. John imagines himself in Nic Cage’s iconic wifebeater and mullet and performs an air guitar solo.

TIER: Lemme tell ya, as someone who's only experience with this darn movie is whatever pops up courtesy of John this sequence is just a trip and a half. Possibly a higher number.

CHEL: Cut to end-of-act curtains; they open on the next page, declaring a PSYCHE; there are more pages to go.

Cut to Dave’s hands, covered in the dead Dave’s blood. I… guess he’s supposed to be staring at them in shock? It’s impossible to tell through his shades. For all I know he could be worried about the cleanup. GC trolls him and they banter creepily, with her demanding to know what his blood smells like and him taunting her about her blindness.

TG: just him and me TG: havin a see party TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours GC: D4V3 GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY? TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS? TG: yeah thats fine

Neither of them seems to take it particularly hard. If there was narrative around the dialogue, I think we’d get a better grasp of how Dave feels. Lacking much body language or punctuation, tone is a bit tricky to get.

FAILURE ARTIST: There’s a character later who gets a lot of grief for insulting her blindness but reading what John, Dave, and CG say I don’t know how that character could be worse.

CHEL: AT, meanwhile, is trolling Jade, rather politely. He even takes time to ask if she’s having a good nap. She’s worried about John’s dreamself not waking, and AT scrolls into his view of the future timeline, but can’t find John awake, nor see into his dreams. Jade, however, will wake up soon, and she thanks him for this report. Unfortunately, when Jade wakes up she will be in danger, and AT can’t see any further. He tells her CG wants to talk to her about her exploding robot. He can’t see whether it exploded or not because there are a lot of explosions, but asking future Jade shows it did, and that she declared CG to be a pretty nice guy, which surprises AT since he doesn’t think CG is particularly nice. Jade says she thinks AT is nice too, and asks why he’s the only one who talks to her while she’s asleep.

AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT, AT: aND i'M CURIOUS, AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP, AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD, AT: }:'(

AT happily remembers his own time on Prospit, and we cut back to Rose, being trolled by GA despite the fact that Rose is obviously in the middle of an epic magic battle. The conversation is understandably chilly, and GA still hasn’t figured out that “Dumb Rose” as opposed to “Smart Rose” was John rather than a bizarre roleplaying scenario.

GC continues trolling Dave. He asks her how she operates a computer without sight.

GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY TG: oh ok TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it

Yes, pretty much. This brings me to a Problematykks point; GC is supposed to be blind, but it really doesn’t seem to affect her in any way at all. Its workaround is ridiculously convenient and effective, and while I’m not blind myself, I know many people with physical disabilities hate it when fiction does this. I know I would be pissed off if a piece of fiction showed an easy and convenient way to not have autism anymore. (Horrible, horrible memories of someone back in the days of Livejournal’s Fanficrants of a fic in which autism was somehow cured by having a foursome. I don’t remember how that was supposed to work.) “She’s a space alien” only goes so far in explaining it. Why even bother making her blind if it’s not going to affect her in any way?

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s the least blind blind person in media. Characters like Daredevil from Marvel Comics and Toph from Avatar the Last Airbender have a Disability Superpower but at the end of the day they still can’t do things like read printed text. GC has no disadvantages.

BRIGHT: She can apparently smell and taste photons.

Which raises the question why none of the other trolls ever show a heightened sense of smell or taste. If GC can learn to interpret smells as colours, her sense of smell must have been that strong all along, and there’s no indication in the text that she’s biologically more sensitive than her companions. Trolls must be better at following a trail than bloodhounds.

CHEL: Synaesthesia which makes one strongly associate colours with smells is a thing, and synaesthesia is generally the word the fandom uses to explain Terezi’s ability, but you still have to actually see the colours for that to work. If she was only mostly blind and was picking up blurry colour patches, I could buy it (and that is how the fandom tends to do it with human AUs), but not if she’s supposed to be completely blind, and she still wouldn’t be able to read text that way.

BRIGHT: Time for another animation, and for a hop back into the recent past.

Watch on YouTube

As the meteor locked onto Dave’s house approaches, Dave climbs up the tower to retrieve his cruxite egg from the nest his sprite made. Unfortunately the sprite attacks him, knocking him and the egg off the tower. Bro Strider appears on top of the approaching meteor and slices it in half with his katana; the two halves are diverted by the blow and strike different areas of the city. Dave’s fall is broken by a rocket board, which is presumably how Bro got up to the meteor in the first place. (How did he manage to aim it to intercept Dave’s fall? Wouldn’t it take longer to get from the meteor to Dave than it takes for Dave to fall from the top of the tower to the roof of the building? We shall never know.) The egg hatches, and Dave is transported into the Medium. There’s no sign of what happens to Bro.

CHEL: Yet more cartoon physics around the Strider bros.

BRIGHT: I don’t know if we mentioned this earlier, but although Dave and Bro live in an apartment block that presumably housed multiple people, only Dave’s apartment gets transported into the Medium. Everyone else in the complex is left to die on Earth. SBURB is sociopathic.

Elsewhere in the Medium, back in the present, Grandpa’s ship is approaching Skaia, with Mom Lalonde and Dad Egbert on board.

Down on Skaia, Jack Noir draws his sword and slaughters the army WV raised to march on the Black King. WV cowers, but Jack leaves him alive. He then uses the Black Queen’s ring to send some sort of giant red tentacle attack through Skaia, slaughtering Dersite and Prospitian forces indiscriminately.

CHEL: Are they tentacles? I always thought of them as some sort of lightning lasers.

BRIGHT: That makes a lot more sense!

In the ectobiology lab, as the clock ticks down to the Reckoning, the babies are teleported to asteroids around the lab. There must be an air supply in this asteroid belt — characters are consistently shown as being able to survive outside.

CHEL: Maybe it’s just the players’ natural badassery. Batman Can Breathe In Space.

BRIGHT: On Skaia, CD makes his way through Jack’s slaughter fest, which has now ravaged a sizeable chunk of planet, and hands him the White King’s sceptre. Jack raises the sceptre and initiates the Reckoning. The meteorites start to vanish into Skaia’s defence portals. In the frog temple, DD somehow combines the MEOW genetic code with a paradox clone of Halley, creating Jade’s guardian Bec. Bec’s creation damages the laboratory equipment in the temple.

Cut to Jade, who is snoozing peacefully while her dream self explores Prospit. She looks up at Skaia, to see Jack’s shadow passing in front of it. Jack launches his tentacle attack on Prospit, slaughtering the inhabitants, then severs the chain attaching Prospit’s moon to the planet. The moon begins falling towards Skaia.

Jack then flies to LOHAC, where he encounters Bro Strider on one of the turntable mesas. Unexpectedly, Bro is able to give Jack an even fight. After a few exchanges, he drives his katana into the mesa; some sort of golden light emanates from the crack, and Bro absconds.

Wait, how did Bro get onto LOHAC? How did he survive the meteor impacts?

TIER: The ol' "rule of cool". As long as something is sufficiently "absolutely kickass!!" the rules of reality and physics can go sit on the bleachers twiddling their thumbs for all they fucking matter. There's a reason early fandom pinned down Bro as an unorthodox but immensely cool older brother type guy for so long. Because with what little information was available before we got bludgeoned with "No actually he was the absolute fucking worst thing to happen to Dave and fucked him up for life" that was the general impression he gave off.

CHEL: This and the meteor splitting are yet more reason not to take Bro’s treatment of Dave seriously; this is a world in which ludicrous animesque badassery rules the day, and physically impossible feats of battle occur every five minutes. Forcing a child to go through extensive and excessive sword training in brutal heat in a precarious place, possibly every day, ought by rights to be normal there, and I can’t believe he was physically hurt by swordfighting when he survived a meteor collision as an infant. Besides, training that extensive quite possibly could be the only thing that would keep Dave alive in these circumstances.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18

BRIGHT: There’s a random Squiddles interlude, and then we return to Skaia.

John’s unconscious dream self has fallen out of Prospit’s moon as it plummets towards Skaia. Jade tries shaking him awake, and then slaps him, but to no avail. At the last moment, she throws him out of the path of the moon, and her dream self is then killed when it lands on her. Back on Earth, her dreambot overloads and explodes.

CHEL: Taking her tower room with it; Jade’s sleeping body plummets towards the earth.

BRIGHT: The moon leaves a gigantic crater in Skaia. John’s now-conscious dreamself hovers above it.

The babies vanish through the defence portals to Earth.

CHEL: Each takes an item with them. John takes the Sassacre book, Rose the first Con Air bunny, Dave rides Maplehoof, Jade takes the bunny Rose gave to John (which is in fact the Con Air bunny plus several years and repairs), Nanna sits inside Dad’s old hat, Mom takes the mutant kitten, Bro sleeps in the lap of Li’l Cal, and Grandpa dual wields the flintlock pistols he should not be allowed.

BRIGHT: Dave and Rose reach the Gates above their houses and set out to explore their Lands. We close on an eerie shot of Bec outside the frog temple on Jade’s island at night.

CHEL: Jade’s tower room is blown to bits, and a truly enormous meteor hovers over the scene.

Curtains close. End of Act 4. Before Act 5, we receive a message from Rose, via her GameFAQ.

[ZZZZ] Rose: Egress. This is my final entry. My co-players and I have made every earnest attempt, with occasional relapse, to play this game the right way.

Really? You haven’t been in the game for more than a couple of hours and Jade still isn’t in at all! Maybe consider that the fact that not all your players are in the game yet when you wonder why it isn’t working?

I have been meticulous in documenting the process to help our peers and successors through the trials should we fail. In my hubris I believed these classes were relegated to the Earth-bound, but in even this quaint supposition I was in error. Our otherworldly antagonists have assured us of our inevitable failure repeatedly, while the gods whisper corroboration in my sleep. I believe them now. I just blew up my first gate. I’m not sure why I did it, really. I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can’t be repaired. We’ve come too far. I jumped out of the way of a burning fucking tree, for God’s sake.

I can see her point. The game is horrible and should be stopped. On the other hand, I’d at least attempt to spend more than one day investigating it before trying to break it. Randomly destroying shit is more likely to make things much worse than anything else.

I have used a spell to rip this walkthrough from Earth’s decaying network, and sealed it in one of the servers floating in the Furthest Ring. The gods may disperse the signal throughout the cosmos as they wish. Perhaps it will be of use to past or future species who like us have been ensnared by Skaia’s malevolent tendrils. In case it wasn’t clear, magic is real. Pardon my egress. You’re on your own now.

This note is signed with a glowing multicoloured “RL” and revealed to be emitted from a purple box with an aerial, floating in space. It seems that’s how their internet’s still working.

FAILURE ARTIST: The internet seems to be a magical dimension in Homestuck and not something that’s part of physical infrastructure.

CHEL: Hours in the future, WV lands in the desert remains of Earth, wrapped up in John’s old ghost-patterned bedsheet, which is still white. A villein becomes a vagabond. In his memory, he tears up an effigy of Jack Noir… where’d he get it? Did the game create it for some reason? Anyway, John’s blanket falls on him from the sky as Prospit plummets; WV calls it a RAG OF SOULS. Adorably melodramatic.

John’s awoken dreamself gazes sadly at Jade’s deceased one, which for some reason isn’t actually under the rubble of Prospit and appears to still be three-dimensional. There’s no excessive blood splatter like with the dead Dave, which is good, not too over the top. He retrieves the Queen’s ring from her hand. Was he told at any point that it’s important? Because if he doesn’t know, I’m not sure robbing the dead is very heroic. He sees an image of himself flying over the battlefield in a large cloud above him; in the vision he’s near a castle, so he goes to seek it out.

On Earth, PM wraps herself up in an old Prospit banner. A mistress becomes a mendicant. In her memories, she has beheaded the Hegemonic Brute and is arranging a meeting with Jack Noir. He arrives and she presents the crowns; smirking evilly, he honours their bargain, and the Courtyard Droll brings her the green parcel. She brings it to the castle from John’s vision as he arrives there, hands over the box, and angrily walks away.

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s Honor Before Reason (maybe she’s programmed that way) but she has the right reaction. This is a lot to go through to deliver a package.

CHEL: Inside the box is a letter from Jade’s unknown pen pal, who writes in dark green and a distinctive jolly-hockey-sticks dialect, with a tendency to ramble off on tangents about movies and wrestling.

Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.

And another letter from Jade.

even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now.

She explains that in her dreams she goes to Prospit and John’s sleeping dream self is there, and that’s where she gets her visions. She hopes he likes his present, and says her penpal is fun…

john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up!!!!! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there??? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun!!!!!!!!! :D <3 jade

Ow. I think this is the only time John cries in the entire comic.

A Single Tear(™) is a bit of an understated reaction to the death of one of your best friends who you just recently learned is also your twin sister, but to be fair, John isn’t left with very much time to react, as next panel Jack Noir’s sword is pointed at his face.

BRIGHT: John knows about dream selves and waking selves by now, I think?

CHEL: He knows they’re a thing but I don’t think he knows they count as backup lives. AT told Jade dream selves can die separately from regular selves but I don’t think anyone told John.

FAILURE ARTIST: Jack Noir wants the ring, but then he’s stopped by Jade’s gift: a robotic bunny wielding multiple weapons.

They line up for a fight.

Hours in the future, on a destroyed planet, AR wraps police tape around himself and becomes a Aimless Renegade. Before the disaster, he went to the Veil, where he found a sleeping John. He saves John by putting him on a rocket board.

Back to the robotic bunny. Jack Noir flies away from the fight. Grandpa’s battleship lands and Grandpa takes away Jade’s body. Mom and Dad disembark the ship and wave goodbye as it leaves. Grandpa cries a Single Tear as he transports Jade’s already taxidermed body. Did he have a machine?

CHEL: For that matter, why isn’t he helping anyone who’s actually still alive while he’s there?

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10

FAILURE ARTIST: Nope, transporting a dead body is more important.

Again going back, White Queen leaves Prospit. On landing, she becomes Windswept Questant and wanders the Earth. We go forward years later. She repairs the laboratory and meets up with AR, WV, and PM. WV’s homemade spear hides the ring.

John watches this scene through the clouds of Skaia. He looks at the ring in his hand. In another cloud, there’s Jade’s laboratory. We close in on it and inside is The Fourth Wall. It isn’t turned on, but we are still lead to Andrew Hussie, banging away on a computer keyboard as he recaps the plot for a second time.

CHEL: Which we shall do as well when we’re done with this section, because it’s insanely hard to keep track of everything.

FAILURE ARTIST: Andrew Hussie says Nanna’s comet landed 99 years before John’s “birth” so he has some clue about the age but still doesn’t see it odd that a woman that age has a son who is probably only in his thirties.

CHEL: As I said, it’s also possible Dad was really old too, but that’s never really suggested. Not to mention, since they were brought into existence as toddlers, shouldn’t the kids be noticeably older than the ages given for them? John should be biologically fourteen to fifteen by now and at that age that can make a visible difference. I know the art style doesn’t really give clues, but no one I’ve seen has ever pointed that out in fanfic either.

FAILURE ARTIST: Newborns aren’t distinctive looking and can’t really do the cute things toddlers do. People in TV and movies regularly give birth to six month old infants so it’s not strange.

CHEL: True, but this isn’t TV, it’s a comic, and they don’t have to use an actual infant as a prop here.

BRIGHT: Possibly it’s intentional. Among other things, we see the newly-created players survive short trips through vacuum, crash-land on Earth without even minor injuries, and handle weapons they shouldn’t be able to lift for another four or five years. This could work if players have superhuman abilities (that is, beyond the classpect system). If that was the intent then it really should be made more explicit, though.

Of course, what it really boils down to is that Homestuck runs off Rule of Cool and Rule of Funny, and occasionally breaks down on examination as a result.

On the whole this is a solid Act, I think! We have a lot of new stuff happening, more characters get introduced, and we find out some more about the trolls. It’s much less rambling than Act 1.

COUNTS ALL THE LUCK: 0 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18 CALL CPA PLEASE: 8 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19 GET ON WITH IT!: 18 GORE GALORE: 10 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 15 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 0 RELATIONSHIP GOALS?: 1 SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 1 SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: 0 WHAT IS HAPPENING??: 9 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19 TOTAL: 127

#homestuck #Let's read #homestuck meta #reread #literary critique #sporking #Homespork

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woossexyponytail · 4 years

Text

San, Friends to Lovers.

__________________

You were sitting in your room at your desk, typing on your laptop for work.

Looking over at the clock, you sighed seeing how late it was, and that your best friend and roommate San, wasn't back from his night out yet.

Earlier before San left he asked if you could stay up, and wait for him, mostly so you could look after him, when San went out you are always there to take care of him, make sure he has food, water and painkillers, San also is very clingy and more so when he's drunk, so you agreed to stay up.

The clock ticked on getting later and later, though you finished with your work load, you changed to watching Netflix while you waited.

Hearing the door open and close you sat up, grabbing a hoodie putting it on and slipping on your slippers, but you froze the moment you heard San shhing someone, and a female giggle.

You turned around grabbing your headphones, laying on your bed putting them on, you sighed It's going to be a long night.

Hearing the giggle your expression changed, San brought a girl home, your breath hitched, your heart tightened in your chest, you bit your lip hard enough for you to feel a bit of blood.

_________________________________________

The next morning you were standing in the kitchen waiting for your coffee while you cooked some bacon, hearing something behind you, you turned around seeing a female walking out of San's bedroom.

The girl had on a tight black dress, the sleeve on her left falling down her shoulder, she held her black heels in her right hand, her dark brown hair down all the way to her hip.

You shrugged to yourself turning back to the bacon frying on the pan.

The girl turned around eyes meeting, she looked shocked for a second, then smiled at you shyly, after that she rushed out the front door.

_________________________________________

You made a bacon sandwich for breakfast for San and yourself, putting in some brown sauce for your sandwich and ketchup for San's, you walked over to the sofa placing the plates on the coffee table along with your coffee and San's sweet tea.

A few seconds San came walking out his bedroom, sitting down next to you on the sofa while you turned the tv on.

The both of you sat there for a couple of minutes just eatting in silence, after the silence got a little awkward for you, you spoke up.

"How was your night last night then?" You asked, while you picked at you breakfast, nibbling at it to keep your eyes away from him.

"It was good, alright." San nodded his head, mouth full of food, holding up his hands infront of him while he spoke.

"Did you get the bang?" You asked, hidding the pain in your voice, your chuckle turned to a sigh not wanting him to say anything about his night with the girl.

"Did you cum?" You laughed, taking the piss out of him, you cursed yourself for asking, but that's what you would normally do when he spent a night with someone.

"No, but she said I give real good cuddles." San laughed, you smiled at him laughing along, knowing nothing happened made you happy.

"I could've told you that" your laughter getting louder, San smiled over to you, "Oh I make sure you get the best I ever give" San chuckled laying back in the sofa, head laying on your shoulder, cuddling up to you.

_________________________________________

You smiled down at him leaning your head on his, he snuggled up to you while you both watch some morning cartoons, enjoying the peace and quiet with just the two of you.

It had been about two weeks after San brought home the girl that he didn't sleep with, and your work friend has non stop been telling you to move one from your bestfriend.

"I'm telling you yn, it's pointless you know, I've got a friend that is looking for a relationship" Chaeyoung said smirking at you.

You looked up at her from your desk sighing and looking back down a frown on your face, Chaeyoung's smirk turned down.

"Chaeyoung what did you do?, yn never frowns" Dahyun said as she walked over to the two of you glearing at Chaeyoung.

"Hey! I didn't do anything, I'm just saying I know a guy that she could go on a date with" she said shrugging leaning on your desk.

"Well that could be good for you yn, why not give it a shot" Dahyun said also leaning on your desk, both of them staring at you waiting for your response.

"Fine, I guess it wouldn't hurt" you said sighing leaning back in your chair, the girls both giggled at you, "Jeez yn, at least look a little happy that you've got a date" Dahyun said smiling brightly.

"Hmm maybe I should show you a picture of the guy" Chaeyoung said getting out her phone and finding a picture of the guy.

"Here his name is yugyeom, he's super cute and adorable, you'll love him" she said turning the phone to you, Dahyun quickly stood behind you to see the guy.

You had to admit he was pretty good looking, cute face, sweet smile, he looked like a nice person.

"Ohh, he's hella fine, snapback dog tag future boo" Dahyun said, causing all three of you to giggle at what she said.

"Okay, He is super handsome, I'm happy to go on a date with him" you said actually getting excited for the date.

Chaeyoung and Dahyun highfived each other, you shake your head at the two girls, "Right I'm heading back to my desk before the boss comes over and fires us" Dahyun said walking off.

Chaeyoung turned to you ahuge smile on her face, "I'll text Yugyeom your number so you can sort out your future together" she said laughing also leaving for her desk.

_________________________________________

You had been talking to yugyeom for a few day now and tonight was the first night that you were going out on the date.

You had finished your shower and your makeup, you did a smoky light brown eye with a light nude lipstick, your fake lashes on making your eyes pop.

You walked out the bathroom walking in to San, "Oh you look nice" San said smiling at you.

"Yeah well I've got a date" you said as you cliped the last bobby pin in your hair, "Hey me too" San said his bright smile got even bigger.

"Yaay" you said clapping your hands for him, "Yaay" San said also clapping for the both of you.

"Wait don't losers get this excited for a date?" You asked frowning at the situation, San stopped also frowning at you.

"Losers don't have dates" San quickly said smiling again both of you going back to being excited.

You both walked in to your bedrooms finishing get ready while San started to get ready.

"Should I wear the shirt-" you asked to San but he quickly shut you down, already know what you were talking about "No" he replied to you.

"How about the red-" you asked talking about the red dress, but once again San already knowing what you were going to pick said "No".

"Ok, I'll just go with the black-" you said talking about the short black dress you have in the closet, San cutting you off again but agreeing "Yes" he said, you nodded even though he couldn't see.

"Should I wear the blue-" San asked but you quickly cut him off, "blue shirt, No" you told him, putting your dress.

"How about the grey-" San asked again, but you shut him down, "No" you told him putting on your high heels.

"Ok I'll just go with the white-" San said once again, but you cut him off, "Yes" you said grabbing your bag, and a cardigan and walking out your bedroom.

Bumped in to San finishing getting ready the same time, you both smiled approving on both the outfits.

"Should I have a cardigan-" you were about to ask holding it up infront of him, "Theres a different between seductive and prude" he told you.

"Okay got it" you said putting the cardigan on the sofa, "What about me, Should I have one button undone or two?" He asked opening and closing his shirt.

"Theres a difference between seductive and prude" you told him a raised eyebrow, "Okay got it" he said nodding keeping two buttons undone, you both highfived each other as you both rushed out the front door, grabbing your coats.

_________________________________________

You got in to the restaurant telling the waiter the name of the reservation, he nodded leading you to the table that already had yugyeom sitting there.

Yugyeom stood up the moment he saw you, a huge smile on his face, he was dressed nice and a drink waiting for you, you both sat down while you looked at the menu.

After ordering you both talked for a while, it was actually easy to talk to him you both laughed and had fun, but after awhile you noticed Yugyeom getting distracted by something behind you.

You did a quick look behind you and had to check again when you noticed a familiar person, San was sitting a few tables down with the same girl from a few nights ago.

Looking back at Yugyeom wondering why he was looking over there, you got his attention back on you as he looked a bit guilty.

"Is everything okay?, you keep looking at something behind me" you asked looking concerned, he shyly smiled at you.

"I'm sorry, it's just... that girl over there is my ex, she ended up going home with that guy she's with now, so I broke it off" Yugyeom said rubbing his eyes trying not to cry.

You put your hand over his arm rubbing it for comfort, "I can't believe Seungyeon here, I'm sorry I'm bringing the mood down aren't I" he laughed.

You both tried forgetting about the couple behind while the food came, eating you both stayed in comfortable silence.

The date was going really well, you quickly excused yourself to the bathroom, as you took a check in the mirror you looked over yourself adding more lipstick, you nodded and walked out the bathroom.

The moment you opened the door you bumped into San shocking the both of you, San grabbing your arms to stop you falling.

"Hey yn, I didn't know you were coming here, how's your date going?" San asked hands still holding your arms, rubbing them.

"Well, it was good until he noticed that your date was his ex, that cheated on him with you so" you told him not wanting to lie to your bestie.

San expression changed instantly in to a frown, he looked back at his table along with you to notice that Seungyeon was sitting in your seat next to your date holding his hand and looking lovingly at him.

You and San looked back at each other both shocked about that, you noticed a glint in his eyes as he looked back at you, a smirk formed on your face as San grabbed your hand and lead you over to your table.

"Sorry to interrupt, but yn and I think it's best to leave the two of you since you obviously have some things to sort out before either of you start dating again" San said looking between the two of them hand still in yours.

"Right, let's go home yn" San said looking over at you, Seungyeon and Yugyeom looking shocked as you and San walked out the restaurant still hand in hand.

_________________________________________

You and San sat on your sofa lounging while watching tv both leaning against each other, your head on San's shoulder and his head laying on yours.

San moved his hand to entwined your fingers feeling him turn and press his lips to your forehead in a sweet kiss, then sighing in to relaxing next to you.

"Yn I need to tell you something" San said moving up to sit, properly turning to you still holding your hands.

You smiled at him feeling nervous about the serious expression on his face, waiting patiently for him to carry on speaking.

"Having my date with Seungyeon today, she said something that, that really opened my eyes to something I was blind to" he told you, sighing he looked a lot more nervous then you now.

"What I'm trying to say is, is that your my best friend you've been there for me through thick and thin for years, and I realise that I never had a long term relationship because none of the girls were you" he said looking down at your hands.

"What I'm trying to say is, yn I'm in love with you, so so much that I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life" San said finally looking at you.

Your eyes widened in shock your lips felt dry, your throat cracked, hands becoming clammy, heart beating extremely fast, butterflies in your stomach.

You couldn't speak you didn't know what to say because you had so many things you wanted to tell him but nothing came out, you were frozen in place, unsure of what to do next.

San looked down frowning he let go of your hands moving away from you.

"I get if you don't feel the same, but I really needed to tell you and get it off my chest, looking back I've been in love with you for so long I just couldn't see it, until recently" San said looking back at you.

Seeing the look on his face made your heart twiste knowing he thinks that his feeling aren't mutual you couldn't take it anymore and forst yourself to speak.

"San, I'm in love with you too" you told him finally getting your voice back, San smiled the brightest you've ever seen him, grabbing your face in his hands and kissing you so passionately.

"I'm so happy you have no idea" San said laughing as he hugged you close the both of you giggling, San ended up pushing you over on the sofa laying on you as your laughter got louder.

Your noses touched as your laughter stopped, staring at each other lovingly, San brushed a bit of hair away from your face as he leaned in again, this kiss was still passionate but extremely sweet while the first was desperate.

San leaned back rubbing his nose with yours in a cute gesture, your cheeks burning red at the new clingy feeling.

"You know, the guys are gonna tear us a new one, you know that right" he said as you nodded knowing that your friends will all probably be cheering and saying finally, once they find out about you and San.

You both giggled as San huged you close to him laying his head between your neck and shoulder, you stroked his hair playing with it as San sighed into you.

"Let's wait for a little while to tell people, it's peaceful at the moment and I don't want to get up" San said you agreed, mostly because you couldn't get up with him laying on you, but you were far to comfortable either way.

"I love you San" you told him "I love you too" San replied as you both drifted off to sleep, the tv quietly playing in the background of your home.

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