#also this is about No One who follows me. if anyone remembers my intense heartbreak posting from earlier this year it's Her.

[yououghtaknow]

feeling myself Actually move on is insane..... what do you Mean i don't want to cry every time i see her????

#just saw a picture of her at a poetry thing when ***I*** was the one who introduced her to poetry #and my only response was to laugh because she will NEVER get away from the sound of the person that loved her #also i just Know the poetry she wrote was bad. i Know she thought about me the whole time. #are these tags a sign i'm not as over it as i thought??? perhaps. or is it just a sign that i'm in the angry haha fuck you stage??? #going to go on a drive and listen to the cunty country taylor songs about this kind of shit. i BET you think about ME!!! #when you're out!!! at your ''cool'' milquetoast anarchism EVERY WEEK!!!! #quite literally when you say oh my god he's insane he wrote [too many things to name] about me <3 #at the end of the day at least **I** have good hair and an actual sense of fashion and friends who don't hate me <3 #also this is about No One who follows me. if anyone remembers my intense heartbreak posting from earlier this year it's Her. #i'm in my now that we don't talk era <3 my mom DOES say that it's for the best <3 hashtag know it's for the better

[dd-is-my-guiltypleasure]

Everyone’s gone UFO crazy. Maybe The X-Files should come back

Chrissy Iley

MARCH 2, 2024

Starring in a poignant new film adapted from his own novel, David Duchovny reveals the heartache of almost losing his daughter... and why his most famous show could yet return

No wonder David Duchovny has written, directed and stars in his latest movie Bucky F***ing Dent... it’s based on his own bestselling 2016 novel of the same name. Poignant and funny, it examines a father-son relationship via baseball, with X-Files star David playing Marty the dad, who’s dying of lung cancer, and Logan Marshall-Green from Spider-Man: Homecoming as his estranged son Ted.

The real Bucky Dent went down in history for scoring an unlikely home run for the New York Yankees in a 1978 tie-breaker against arch rivals the Boston Red Sox, and the film’s title is how generations of Boston fans have referred to him ever since, a metaphor for heartbreak. Set in that same year, the film follows struggling writer Ted as he moves back into his childhood home when he hears his father is dying, prompting a whirlwind of dark revelations from the past. Meanwhile, Boston fan Marty’s health dips whenever his beloved Red Sox lose, so New York fan Ted orchestrates the illusion of a Boston winning streak...

Marty has transferred his feelings for an old flame (the secret love of his life, not his wife) to the Red Sox. ‘The intensity of fandom has always puzzled me,’ says David. ‘It has to be a kind of sublimation. My father and I liked playing baseball; my best childhood memory is playing it with him and enjoying the simple communication you can have through a game, but we didn’t share the fandom thing.

‘Marty’s transposed his feelings for this woman to the Red Sox, and the movie is really about the idea of losing. In America there’s a sick addiction to winning and winners, but most of us have to lose every day. Suffering makes us human - it unites us all.’

There’s a moment in the film when Marty is talking about a chest infection that almost killed Ted as a child. Marty says he begged God or whoever to take his lungs instead and let Ted live. ‘One thing I’ve never told anyone is that when my daughter was nine months old she got really ill,’ reveals David. ‘Her mother [actress Tea Leoni] and I had to face the fact we might lose her and I remember feeling so devastated, I didn’t think I could love anything again if she died.’

His daughter West, now 24, has since become a successful actress who seems to have inherited her mother’s stunning blonde looks and her father’s charisma. ‘I think she has a greater passion for acting than either of her parents ever did,’ he says. They also have a son Kyd, 21, and David says the hardest moment of his life was telling them he and Tea were divorcing ten years ago, as his own parents had done when he was 12. ‘It was far worse telling them than actually experiencing it. When you’re a child you just try to get through it, you don’t feel responsible. As a parent I felt at least 50 per cent responsible.’

Tall and thin with good skin and an easy charm, David seems untouched by the ageing process, although this role is a huge shift from the Lotharios he usually plays, such as bed-hopping writer Hank in comedy-drama series Californication. Does getting older bother him? ‘Of course, and as an actor you have to think of the different roles you’ll be offered. When I was writing this script I was thinking I’d play Ted, the son. We tried to make it four or five years ago and I was still going to play Ted, but then when it came to doing it I realised it just wouldn’t work, so I thought I’d play Marty. And that was exciting because it was very different.’

Californication won two Emmys and a Golden Globe, but was notorious for its portrayal of LA’s seedier side. Does he think it could be made now? ‘Certainly they would insist on intimacy coaches, but I don’t think it would be made now, for the wrong reasons. There was a misunderstanding about what it was about. It was meant to be funny, and it was meant to be about family and love. But what everybody got excited about was not that,’ he says, referring to the furore over the sex scenes. ‘In my mind the show was misperceived.’

Another of David’s roles that would spark a row today was a transgender FBI agent in Twin Peaks in the early 90s, when almost no transgender women were on TV. Again it was groundbreaking. ‘But if you’re playing a murderer no one asks you, “Have you murdered people?”’ he says. ‘It was just being an actor.’

David is, of course, best known for The X-Files, in which he played UFO-obsessed FBI agent Mulder opposite Gillian Anderson’s sceptical Scully. The series finally bowed out in 2018 after 11 series, but could there ever be another? ‘Maybe - it might even be more current now,’ he says, referring to the recent release of top-secret UFO files in the US. ‘I’m not personally interested in UFOs so it doesn’t make it more exciting for me to revisit The X-Files. It was a role I played but I wasn’t passionate about the subject. Maybe I’m the only one who isn’t.’

There was a brouhaha at the time about the huge pay discrepancy between David and Gillian, and I wonder if it would be difficult for him to work with her again. ‘As far as I know, by the end there was no difference at all between us, but Hollywood salaries are very weird,’ he says. ‘I’m going to London soon and I’ll see Gillian because she lives there now. I saw her in the West End doing All About Eve and I enjoyed it. She wished me luck with Bucky too.’

In recent years David has explored his passion for music, releasing a couple of folk-rock albums. So does he see himself as an actor, a director or a musician? ‘All of them, I’m an artist,’ he says. ‘I can filter stuff through a song, a novel, a performance or through directing. There are all kinds of ways of being an artist. I write best about dramatic things. There’s a way to deal with suffering to create art.’

Bucky F***ing Dent, Glasgow Film Festival, Wednesday. Visit glasgowfilm.org

#david duchovny #2024 #bucky F cking Dent #Glasgow Film Festival #txf #Gillian Anderson #Californication

[ariainstars]

Red, White and Royal Blue: A Movie Like an English Waltz with a Kick

I had practically given up on watching stories about same-sex relationships some time ago; for a while, I thought the reason for my growing indifference was that not belonging to the LGBT+ community, I am not directly involved. It took me a while to realize that I was simply sick of watching stories with sad endings, good as they may be otherwise.

Same-sex love stories in my experience very often have a tragic ending, with the possible exception of the Netflix show Heartstopper, which is nice and interesting to watch without being overdramatic. Also, there were Beautiful Thing and Maurice, two enjoyable movies that most viewers today probably hardly remember. Despite their positive ending they are serious in tone however, not exactly fun.

Red, White and Royal Blue burst into my world catching me by surprise and all but sweeping me off my feet; I immediately fell in love with the movie and am fully on page with anyone who is already asking for a sequel.

First off, I must say that this is one of the few cases where I found the movie to be better than the novel. I read it after having watched the movie, but I could not bring myself to like the characters.

The novel is told from Alex’ point of view, so we never get to know Henry’s; and I got the impression of following a bunch of rich kids without regular lives and routines having fun being noisy and obnoxious when they’re not busy with wanting to save the world, all of them equipped with their personal therapists and consuming this or another substance. I found it heartbreaking that Henry had been in love with Alex for a long time, never hoping that his feelings could be requited; and it did not shed a good light on Alex that for a long time, he did not realize that being intimate with Henry felt so good because he was with someone who actually cared for him.

The tone and story development of the movie is different and, in my opinion, superior. These Alex and Henry are about ten years older than in the novel: the actors are neither groomed to look younger nor do they act like they were. These are two adult, grown men who know what they’re doing; the feelings between them deepen very quickly (in the book, for Alex at the beginning it seems to be nothing more than a cross between a diversion and a challenge); and they soon take responsibility for each other and their families respectively political surroundings.

Nothing shows this more than the airport scene where they actually exchange ring and key, contrarily to the book where Alex keeps the ring together with the key around his neck. His official speech after their forced coming-out was much more straightforward and convincing than in the book, and he had written it himself, not his sister; also early in the movie, the Texas campaign is his very own initiative, contrarily to the novel where his mother sets him up to do it. All of these are narrative choices which in my opinion make the story much more enticing and the characters more relatable.

The movie Red, White and Royal Blue lives largely from the chemistry between the two protagonists; there is playful banter between them and lots of fun scenes and quips that I looked for in the novel in vain. (Except for a few jokes at Philips’ expense, pitifully.) Even in their most intimate moments, there always seems to be a twinkle in their eyes; the teasing begins when they’re not even friends yet. Their happiness is joyful and carefree, not founded on the intensity of feelings of couples who know they will be torn apart. The movie’s tone is a perfect balance: funny without being silly; serious without being admonishing; romantic without being sappy.

Some well-known clichés obviously are all there: having to talk to one another due to being locked in a room, a fist kiss while both are tipsy, the lover hiding in the closet, the intolerant parent (grandparent in this case), the understanding sister… Nevertheless, the story is fresh, well-paced and never boring.

In my personal view, this movie will be remembered as marking a break in the storytelling of same-sex relationships: light-footed, entertaining and touching. While the book is a self-indulgent fanfiction, the movie is in its tone, set-up and storyline for all intents and purposes a fairy tale, except that instead of a princess we have a prince.

One of the things I loved most was that in the end, the couple does not reunite in a castle or a similar luxurious environment, but that for their happy ending they leave their wealth behind and retire to a simple, comfortable home and an everyday life.

I had a smile on my face almost the entire time while watching this movie. And I hope there will be many more light-hearted movies and novels centered on same-sex relationships following this, instead of the usual heart-wrenching dramas. It’s high time.

#red white and royal blue #same sex love #fairy tales #lgbt #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #rwrb movie

[joondaya]

[ “the right guy just gotta show up”

“do i count?”

“well, he’s gotta show up and you know… stay around” ]

[ “i’m the guy who shows up, remember?” ]

[ “can you believe ricky showed up?” ]

[ “you can’t not show up?” ]

ej shows up at the airport for gina but the first sign of trouble he doesn’t stay around, ready to shut gina out of his life. gina has to chase him down to make him stay with her.

ej shows up for gina as soon as the cast list is announced but doesn’t (mentally and emotionally) stay around to listen to her tell him all her worries. instead he shows to be far away in the moment.

ej shows up once again after their argument about him keeping things from her, telling her that he wants to fight for them. but that same day he once again doesn’t stay long enough when all she wanted to spend the day with him.

so here we have gina doing her “hail mary” and ej shows up but makes it clear that he can’t stay around because he has to go back to work. but most importantly he is not staying with her for her hail mary. he, in fact, rejects her promposal.

this time ej doesn’t show up for gina but promises to do so. gina believes him because ej is “the guy that shows up”. and yet here she is on the dance floor and ej is nowhere to be found. he didn’t show up for her, let alone stay for her.

personally i don’t think the argument is that ej doesn’t show up. because it’s undeniable that he has shown up for gina before. the argument comes on the fact that as much as he tries to stay (and we can see him trying because he is fighting for it) he never actually succeeds.

i find it interesting that “staying around” comes a second thought in that scene in season 2 and for the rest of the show. because gina (and the audience) is so focused on who is showing up for her and forgetting that they have to stay around as well. “ej shows up for gina” he does. or has tried to for the most part of the show. but after a while he leaves and gina has to chase him down.

but what i find the most interesting part is not the parallels of ricky showing up for gina but how ricky makes sure everyone is also showing up for gina. ricky is making sure that he is simply not just showing up, but giving it his all and being the best leading man that gina deserves. he makes sure that jet is not just showing up but that he is working his best for gina because that’s what he knows gina deserves.

for me the parallels are not “ej showed up for gina here and ricky didn’t” or “ricky showed up for gina here and ej didn’t” but the circumstances of what they’re showing up to, their intentions, how it affects gina and her reaction to them, and ultimately what comes after them “showing up”. these are my following observations but feel free to disagree although it won’t change my mind.

airport:

- ej was free, and the only one with a car (does not mean he was obligated to show up but if anyone was to get her, it would have been him. it is a nice gesture nonetheless)

- ricky was not in the same state, dealing with his heartbreak, restoring his relationship with his mother

cast list:

- ej gives gina flowers and calls her a star. it’s actually very sweet of him, but then she tries to open up to him and he doesn’t listen as his anxiety is building up. due to that he doesn’t allow himself to have fun and spend the night with her

- ricky says he is proud of her. gina doesn’t share her insecurities with him like she would have done before because she believes it’s now something to share with her boyfriend

rcosl:

- ej is hiding the fact that he might not be able to spend next year with gina. gina expresses that they’re having vastly different summers. ej goes to ricky to understand why gina is upset

- ricky minds his own business throughout most of the episode, apologises to gina for being intense. gina opens up to him because the person she believes she should open up to does not open up to her nor has given her space to open up.

color war:

- ej reassures gina that he is trying his best to stay for gina and that’s why he has been distant. all gina wants is to spend the day together because this is something he loves to do. he doesn’t show up and that upsets her and yet she still prepares the sweetest gesture for him that he ends up rejecting

- ricky is there being supportive and making her laugh. he helps her with making a promposal for ej and leaves her happy with her boyfriend

camp prom:

- ej promises gina a dance. not only he rejects her when she asks, at the same time he manages to keep her hopes up that she will eventually get one. however he doesn’t show up for the dance. even worse, he doesn’t apologise at all.

- ricky makes sure she is okay and prioritises her feelings over his. he is there for her as much as she allows him to be.

as i said, i find it interesting that since the topic of “showing up” has been brought up in the show, each time ricky doesn’t show up is because he has no means to. which is widely different reasoning for ej not showing up, as for him it often has to do with decisions he makes himself. he is undeniably in immense pressure but at the end of the day he still chose what to prioritise and focus on. gina understood his responsibilities and was willing to work through it. all she really wanted was to be put first for once.

and as gina said, she deserves to be more than a “maybe”. which honestly i think it also links to ricky and gina. ricky needed to have closure with nini before allowing himself to accept the feelings he has for gina because she deserves more than just “what ifs” and “maybes”

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts season 3 #gina porter #ricky bowen #ricky x gina #rina #ricky and gina #gina x ricky #rina hsmtmts #hsmtmts rina #rina endgame

[heckinconfusedparade]

I honestly wanna see Nine, Thorn and Dread regaining their original memories but… due to how they are now, they try to comfort Sonic when he has an emotional breakdown due to the guilt and heartbreak of his original friends and home being gone. Also, they, including Shadow, are all in the Grim where they’re hiding from the Chaos Council. And I bet Nine would feel like just being there for Sonic and letting him let it all out would make him feel more like his original self, Tails, due to their bond as brothers still being there despite the whole Shatterverse situation.

Firstly, I won't do the memory regaining thing because I don't know how it would go. Doesn't mean they won't try to comfort Sonic though! Enjoy the angst.

CW: PANIC ATTACK/EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

...

Through odd circumstances, Nine, Thorn, and Dread have all come to fight the Chaos Council.

During the battle, things got intense, and Nine wanted to get him, Sonic, and Shadow (Sonic insisted they be a package deal). Somewhere along the line, Thorn and Dread joined the ride and now they're all recharging in The Grim. Sonic and Shadow are watching the three interact. Nine is annoyed that they came along, Thorn is extremely confused, and Dread is also confused, but is also demanding where the hell he is right now.

Shadow turns to look at Sonic, but Sonic isn't there. Shadow hears some weird noises from behind one of those tall grey things and follows the sound.

Sonic feels cold. His heart is pounding, and he suddenly feels like he can't breathe anymore. He feels lightheaded and the warmth of the tears he cannot force back. Memories of what happened before breaking the prism is all rushing back and spinning around like a messed up merry-go-round. He's so tired, but refuses to rest because like it or not, those people NEED him and it's HIS responsibility because he's the one who ruined it all in the first place. He holds his head as the pressure bangs against the inside of his skull. Sonic feels like he isn't doing anything right, and that everything he does only makes things worse.

Shadow gasps "Sonic??" and rushes to his side to check on him. Despite their differences and being rivals, Shadow does not hate Sonic. He actually respects him quite a bit. To see the fearless and optimistic hero in this way brings a kind of sadness Shadow cannot describe. Shadow crouches down to him "Sonic, are you alright?" Sonic doesn't respond, he curls into a ball and closes his eyes. Shadow sits next to him. He doesn't know how to approach this.

Nine, Thorn, and Dread come from behind the grey pillar. "There ye be! We been lookin fer-" Dread pauses when he sees Sonic in the state he's in. Nine rushes to Sonic "What's wrong?? What's going on?" he says, frightened something bad had happened to him. Thorn gasps "Oh no, what's the matter?".

Shadow gently pushes the 3 away to give Sonic some space "He's having an emotional crisis. Give him space, please." The three look at each other, nod, and give Shadow a stern look. "Sonic selflessly helped us all. He puts everything down to help anyone in need.. It's time we return the favour." Nine goes to Sonic and sits next to him "Sonic? What's going on?"

Sonic takes a shaky breath "I-I'm okay..really!"

Dread shakes his head "Ye clear as water aren't. Ye can talk to us." Sonic responds in grumbling.

Thorn sits on his opposite side "Sonic, do you remember what happened in the forest? You told us that we should talk about our feelings. You gave us the floor to express our feelings and talk about them. I think.. it's time you talk about your feelings too. I kept my feelings locked away for a long time, and you saw what happened."

Sonic lifts his head up and leans it against the pillar. He takes a deep breath..

"I just.. Look, it's my fault. I'm the reason we're all in this mess. I let my body move before my head, and I made my best friend upset.. then after apologizing, I proceeded to yet again act carelessly. I shattered that stupid prism even though everyone was shouting at me to stop. I didn't listen.. and now? My home is gone, my friends are gone, and it's all my fault! I got Shadow stuck in some void for a stupid amount of time. Every time it feels like I'm finally getting somewhere, everything falls apart. I keep ending up back at square one. I miss my friends.. I miss home.. and I miss my brother.” Sonic silently sobs. The others exchange concerned looks. Thorn reaches and holds Sonics hand tightly “let it out, Sonic..” and Sonics tears keep flowing until they can’t anymore, and he’s light headed from hyperventilating.

Shadow coaches Sonic through some breathing exercises so he can resume normal breathing “I’m.. im sorry..” Sonic says, embarrassed for his little meltdown.

Dread meets Sonics gaze “listen here, Sonic. Ye been facin some crazy stuff nonstop without breaks for a real long time. It was bout time ye was gonna break! Don’t feel sorry for bein overwhelmed.”

Nine adds on “we’re gonna help you get your home back.”

Sonic feels like he’s going to cry again “thank you.. all of you. So much. I.. I don’t know what else to say!”

Thorn rubs her thumb over his palm “you don’t have to say anything more, if anything, we should be thanking you! You’ve been helping us out of the kindness of your heart, helping us see the positive in negative situations.”

Shadow looks away “and.. I’m sorry for yelling at you and beating you up in the middle of shatterspace. I still think you’re incredibly stupid for it, but I’m not angry anymore. I think we might be able to pull this off. We’ve saved the world before, haven’t we?” Sonic nods “you’re right..”

Sonic stands back up and stretches. The group rest up for a while before plotting what to do next about the Chaos Council.

Sonic hates crying or showing vulnerability. He’s mad at himself for letting himself go in that way, and guilty that his friends had to deal with him. He’s thankful, though. If they hadn’t been there, maybe he would have just given up, which is a completely foreign idea to him.

Sonic realizes that it doesn’t matter if these people are different versions of his friends, they’re still his friends and the people he knows them to be deep down.

Dread is still the Knuckles he enjoys bickering with, who is strong, and has a good heart deep down.

Thorn is still the Amy he holds very dear to himself, the kindest soul he could ever meet.

Nine is still the Tails he knows and loves, his scary smart little brother who he would do anything for.

Shadow is still Shadow.

It was this exchange that made him see this more clearly. He feels more comfortable now.

#sonic prime #prime sonic #prime shadow #knuckles the dread #thorn rose #tails nine #miles nine prower

[popculturebuffet]

Watchmen Issue By Issue: #8: Old Ghosts (Patreon Review for WeirdKev27)

It's time once again to watch out for the watchmen. I'm Jake and this year i've been reviewing every issue of one of the greatest comic books of all time after not having read it in a decade for my friend Kev who happily contributes to my patreon. You can too following this link and 5 dollar backers get a guarnateed slot a month for one tv show episode or comic book issue.

Last Month we focused on Dan and Laurie as they finally

Also they got back into costume, proved why heroes still mattered then Dan decided to kill the mood by saying "Let's go break rorshach out of prison. And that's where we pick up with this month's review!

This issue takes the crown from last issue as the series weakest, and honestly made me revaluate my opinon a bit: The last one in hindsight is a needed breather between the intense and traumatizing Rorshach spotlight "The Abyss Gazes Also" and this one which kicks off the final act of the story and sets off th eend game. It was a needed break and it's honestly nice for a series with this scope to just have an issue that's just a couple of people talking before realizing they want to be a couple. There's still action, but there's an art in that and i've read plenty of great comics that are indeed just people. It just felt out of place at the time for this work.. but now it falls into place.

And perhaps this chapter will too but outisde of the brutal and heartbreaking final scene... it's just okay. It's not terrible, Gibbons coudln't DRAW terrible if he tried, and all the pieces of the story are lining up as we find out the missing people are working on a lovecraftian slimy squid, the new fronteirsman, the horribly alt right paper Rorshach loves might be onto something and Dan breaks All Shach Everything out despite Laurie's protests, as he clearly does know something. Shack Kkklansman is naturally ungreatful and supsects Laurie, and was about to break out anyway, slaughttering some sobs who came to kill him. It's not a bad plot it simply lacks tension because by this point we KNOW Rorshach can kill anything. As such we know he'll probably be out or at least have these guys nuts in a vice, shockingly not literally, before they even get there.

As such while the raid on the prison is pretty fucking awesome thanks to good old Archie, Dan's awesome owlship, it otherwise feels like this chapter is simply moving everything into place. I get why: The next one is Laurie's backstory issue and thus will only move the plot along ever so slightly like the other spotlight issues thus far, and after that the climax of the story. So they needed a plot heavy issue and had I been viewing the story all in one go I probably woudln't of even noticed a slight dip in quality or in Gibbons visual storytelling. It still looks good it just dosen't have the kind of deep sequences or symmetry that really makes his stuff stand out. It's still gorgeous and memorable just not as much. It's why this issue isnj't truly bad.. it's a step down.. but it's a step down in what's considered , and as i've done this project can confrim indeed is, one of the greatest comics of all time. So a little slip is okay. OUr heroes are in position, Laurie decides to get shot up into space by her ex, and our two remaning heroes flee the police who are targeting them

Seriously the end of the world is a hair's length away, rioting is probably breaking out en masse.. and your hunting down Shach Fu instead of I dunno stopping an old man from getting beaten to death. I mean granted Roshach, Mishack Abendego is objectively awful and probably should be in prison, but he's not a threat to you or anyone right now and your wasting manpower while the world is ending to hunt down TWO guys in costumes. Like normalyl two costumed guys who done did a jailbreak, i'd get that, but come on. You have bigger issues.

So yeah.... we come to the old man death.. .aka Hollis Sad Tragic Death. I remember it more from the directors cut of the movie, and that version is amazing and i'll get into that when we get to the movie at the end of the year, but here it's still brutal and heartbreaking as a bunch of teenage hoods up to do no goods... kill the poor man who can barely fight back even with all his experince simply because they got the wrong nite owl. It's senseles, brutal, and terrible. It also does feed into a theme of the book I just caught onto: the inner darkness of man. How far we can go simply by saying what we're doing is right. We've seen the GOOD of that sort of attiude, with Dan trying to end armageddon, but we've also seen the back: Rorshach refuses to compromises and judges everyone, the cops are hunting heroes instead of helping people, the comedian happily slaughtered whoever he could and wanted to , manhattan changed the course of history for the worse simply because someone told him it was the right thing to do. People can be good and do the right thing.. but they can just as often package the worst option possible as the right thing and double down no matter what. And as we'll see soon enough.. our villian falls under these lines.

So yeah a decent issue, if with one hell of a gutpunch ending. We'll see where it heads next month so follow me to see what happens next or go read the comics yourselves, and i'll see you next time.

#watchmen #rorschach #nite owl #silk spectre #alan moore #dave gibbons #dc comics

[tinamaetales]

Estimated Time of Departure

“An awareness of death encourages us to live more intensely” – Paulo Coelho

One of the things I noticed about life in general is everyone feels excitement for beginnings but endings are usually met with indifference, sadness, and fear. We tend to be excited for hellos but feel melancholic to say goodbyes. When we start a new series to watch, there is the feeling of thrill and excitement but when we reach the final episode, the separation anxiety emerges and it is difficult to say goodbye (I am only talking about great shows lol). But sometimes it is not always the case, right? I also noticed that there are people who felt more anxious in starting something than ending them and I can also empathize with them. For instance, we felt scared in starting a new school semester but feel happy when it ends for there is a sense of relief. However, we always know when to start something so I guess despite the nervousness, there is that sense of readiness because we have anticipated for the beginning of something while it is not always the case for endings. Often, endings arrive in times we do not expect. Of course, this is a different case for stuff that follows a schedule, like a school year. What I am trying to point out is that when it comes to death, is anyone ever prepared for it? I mean, how does one get ready for their own death? Does what Paulo Coelho said in his novel, Veronika Decides to Die, true that in having an awareness of death, we became more encouraged to live more? Does knowing when your time will come changes our perspective? What good does it come from knowing our estimated time of departure?

The topic of death is not foreign to me. Perhaps, I have written some essays about it through the years but I have not published all of them here yet every time I write about it, my stance does not change – it does not scare me. It makes me feel sad, yes, but it never really scared me – especially if we are talking about my death. I guess this is the result of living half of my life in depression that the idea of dying does not really faze me. In fact, I feel like I am ready to go anytime. I have prepared some notes on my phone about my “huling habilin” so I guess if my time comes sooner or later, I am ready. Anyway, what this blog post meant to discuss is not about my “habilins” but about the k-drama “Thirty-nine” which I watched just early this month (or last week of July, cannot fully remember as I watch a lot of series and movies). I watched the k-drama with the thought of it being about the three best friends’ life as they reach the age of thirty-nine but I was never fully ready to what it was about.

Thirty-nine follows the story of three girl best friends, Mi-jo, Mi-do, and Joo-hee, who are all thirty-nine-year-olds yet unmarried. The three of them met each other during their high school years and from then on were inseparable. I thought this drama will revolve around the changes they will be willing to take before they reach the age of forty such as settling down, changing careers, or even migrating to a foreign country. But I was shocked that one of them ended up being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the story now revolves as to how they are going to spend the numbered days with their friend and I was so not ready for that heartbreak. Why can’t they all live and grow old together? This show was written by a sadist, I swear :(  

Of course, it is a natural reaction to feel hurt upon knowing that someone in your life who means a lot to you is dying but all I can think of is the perspective of the dying person. Is it scary knowing that your days are numbered? In the drama, of course it was shown that the news was devastating for her and it hurts her considering that she obviously has so many reasons to live and yet she was able to gather the courage to face each day while preparing for the inevitable. I don’t think I can do that too. After watching the drama, it made me feel a different kind of pain because in the end, life goes on. Those of us who are left behind have no other choice but to keep moving forward.

While the three main characters are different from each other, they all have shown different versions of strength and courage which I truly admire. (To avoid spoilers, I will not be mentioning the character names anymore, we’ll go with Girl A, Girl B and Girl C). Girl A, upon learning that she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, already made up her mind that she will not undergo chemotherapy as she feels as if the effort in doing it will be wasted since the survival rate is low. She decided to just be the happiest terminally ill person and damn the amount of courage and strength she must have had to do that is just admirable! Every episode my heart breaks for her as I feel a sense of “panghihinayang” to the life she could’ve had if she weren’t sick. I cannot fully imagine how heartbreaking it is for her to face her family and friends with a smile while deep down she is in pain. The fact that she took her funeral photo alone, reserve her final resting place, observe how funerals are done….it makes me wanna enter the screen and give her a big hug for being so brave! Now I know I have mentioned earlier that I do not fear death, and it is still true, but in watching this k-drama it made me realized that saying goodbye can be difficult. I cannot imagine myself doing what she did. I guess if I was in her position, I will just keep the illness to myself because I would simply not have the guts to tell the important people in my life that I am leaving them because I’m afraid that they will feel sad about it (hell, it would be better if they are happy to know I’m dying but if I’ll see them become sad and hurt of my death then it would hurt me just the same). The way she decided to have a bucket list of things she wants to do before she died makes me feel devastated. I guess she confirmed Paulo Coelho’s words that the awareness of death will result to one having the encouragement to live more and maximize the remaining days. Just like the popular saying, “live each day like it’s your last” Oh god, I am so sad just writing this.

A popular British comedian, Ricky Gervais, once said that “The best thing about being dead is that you don’t know about it. It’s like being stupid – it’s only painful for others” and I couldn’t agree more. Once you’re dead then that’s it, it’s your end. It is those who are left behind that ends up suffering as they have to deal with the pain for a long time and sometimes, the pain just does not go away as you simply learn to live with it. While the news of her illness was devastating for Girl A, it was also heartbreaking for Girl B and Girl C as they are not just her best friends, they are her sisters. It was them that I worry about the most because I know the feeling of being left behind. My grandfather, who was dear to me, passed away in 2020 – yes, it was already 2 years since he passed and yet the pain is still there. It sucks to wake up every day knowing that someone dear to you, someone who is a big part of your life, is no longer here. Honestly, the pain is numbing most of the time. It makes me feel numb because the person who was once full of life is now just part of the memories of those who know him. So, I was kind surprised with the way the drama handled the scenes after the death of Girl A as it looks like Girl B and Girl C were able to move on pretty fast, or so the viewers thought. After learning the news about Girl A’s sickness, Girl B and Girl C were of course devastated but they made sure that they will help her spend her remaining days being the happiest. It must have crushed them having to wake up every day and fear checking their phones to see if the day is that “day” already. The way they handled Girl A’s death were different but I did not expect it will be the other way around. You see, I thought Girl B is the strong one because Girl C has always been the “weaker” among the three. Girl C is the “shy” type (sorry I cannot find the proper word to describe her) while Girl B is the “confident” one. But after the death of Girl A, it seems that Girl C has a different type of strength and courage in her as she is the one who went and see Girl A’s dead body before the funeral while Girl B stayed outside. Girl C also went and see the movie in which Girl A was featured while Girl B cannot do that. The way Girl B and Girl C handled Girl A’s death were different but it does not mean that one is weaker than the other. I think that both are strong but are just showing it in different ways. Girl C is strong enough to still see her friend’s lifeless body even though it was heartbreaking – I know the feeling because it took me a great amount of courage before deciding to look at my grandpa’s body in the coffin. On the other hand, Girl B is also strong enough not to see her friend for one last time because while she deprived herself of that final moment, she decided (well based on my assumption) to just remember her friend as the alive person she once was. I have nothing but respect to Girl B and Girl C for choosing the way they move on after losing someone dear to them. Being left behind is never going to be easy. As life goes on, there will be moments when we will feel that pain and there really is nothing else we can do about it but to acknowledge it.

There must have been some kind of assurance one might feel in knowing their estimated time of departure from earth. Personally, I will feel somewhat relieved as I can plan my remaining days properly – I might engage myself in activities that will surely be memorable and would finally have the courage to do so since I won’t have a long time to live anyway. But the saying goodbye part I guess will be the thing that I will find difficult. In the end, all of us only have one life to live so yeah, I guess let us all try to make the best of it and try not to waste it away. And for those of us who were left behind, well, life goes on.

 PS, I simply just lost it as I am close to writing the concluding paragraph so, please forgive me if this blog post felt a bit dry towards the end.

 X,

TinaMae

#personal #tinamaetales #tinamae tales #kdrama #k drama #thirty-nine #son ye jin #death

[dailytatsu]

Heya! Can I request an Aether/Lumine & reader?

So reader is basically an immortal half-elf who've lived for centuries and a well refined fighter. Well at the beginning even tho they volunteered to tag along on traveler's journey to find their sibling, reader is rather obnoxious and a lazy-dork who only help when actually needed. But as the journey continues, they began to act like traveler's bodyguard after witnessing (archon quest spoiler!) traveler almost getting killed by the Shogun? And maybe random shenanigans happen between them (ft.Paimon). I don't mind if you do either Aether or Lumine if you feel pressured 🙏

Hi! This kind are my favorites! Tysm for requesting! (๑>◡<๑)

I did this with Aether since he is my favorite is who I chose, and I feel more comfortable writing with guys than with girls.

I know they have some different personalities but I can help but see Lumine as the all mighty abyss princess.

Hope you enjoy!

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Aether & Half-elf! Reader

GN! Reader

Inazuma Archon Quest Spoilers!

Request are open; sorry for any mistakes!

Genshin Impact Masterlist

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Aether always thought that immortality brought with it wisdom, beings who live for much longer than an ordinary human tend to gain an understanding of life and changes in the world after years of appreciating the passing of the ages.

But when he met you he couldn't help but feel that all his beliefs were based on fiction and old rumors from other worlds. You were anything but wise, not even his first choice to be the voice of reason.

Even Paimon takes her role as his guide seriously.

But what was so wrong about you that get him on his nerves all the time? And most important, why does is he still dealing with you?

To be fair, maybe he was waiting a little too much from you. After all, he always forget that you still have half of a human’s nature.

“Mmh? What are you doing?” You asked Aether the first time he removed your hair from your ears to see if they were pointy. They were, and Paimon yelled kind of a objection when she realize she had to pay for losing their bet.

Not a human, not a elf, but a hybrid between them.

The first encounter was really something he would never forget. Rumors about treasures and requests from the guild made them follow some clues to find a cave that was marked as lost, impossible to enter and explore.

But “impossible” is a word that doesn’t exist their vocabulary. Yet is common that regretting comes along when you’re that bold and risky.

At the very end of that strange cave there wasn’t a treasure waiting, not even a new clue to keep going with the mystery. Instead, was a humanoid silhouette, they seemed to be meditating, not showing a single interest in their voices neither getting nervous because of Aether and Paimon taking some steps forward to have a better look.

But they were breathing, and both could see the pupils moving slightly under their eyelids. Eyebrows twitching now and then, like they were having a nightmare, one of which they couldn’t wake up.

Paimon encouraged him to get even closer to shake that person's shoulder, while she was hiding behind some rocks, obviously.

Aether summoned his sword and then he approached slowly until touching them with his fingertips, waiting for some kind of jumpscare.

The stranger raised their arm, carefully but also in a robotic way. Their fingers were tense, as much that it was painful just looking at them. Like a quiet call, like a order that couldn’t be heard, from the pile of rocks where Paimon was hiding something emerge, breaking through the stone and letting a rusty polearm to be seen.

Their fingers closed around the weapon, bringing them back to reality.

“Master and weapon, reunited again, rise so the world can meet their end!”

Or at least that's what he would have preferred to find. A servant guarding a lost relic, a soulless body moving by a curse, perhaps even a fate that death could not prevent.

But instead it was something really underwhelming, something that broke the mystical and strange atmosphere. That person opened their eyes, annoyed by the light of the torches and disoriented by the situation.

With their body in pain and numb at the same time, how long have they slept in that position?

The first thing they did after waking up was sneezing.

‘So much dust…’

Never accepting missions for exploring legendary caves ever again. Nope. Negative. He refuse to.

What if they find another (Y/N)? Thanks, but no. One is more than enough.

“So what you mean is that your parents' families exiled you and locked you up in the cave for being an ‘abomination’ to both species?” Paimon confirmed once the three of you were back in the surface again. Her hands moving side to side to explain -in a very expressive way- everything you told them.

“It seems that we found the remains of an ancient race that used to exist in Teyvat.” Aether said, still surprised by the way you roamed to feel the wood of the trees and the grass under your bare feet. Kind of heartbreaking.

“Like the boar we found with Xiangling!”

He wasn’t sure if it was okay to compare both encounters but he could see her point.

“… ‘Wait for us’, they told me, ‘think about your existence and find the answer to why your conception is not the atrocity that everyone says you are. May their words not reach you, because we have long ears to hear the words of the gods and not the ones of those who defile earth’… ” You pronounced after decades of not needing to use the language you were taught, with one hand on your chin and eyes closed to concentrate. All you had left was the few memories you preserved inside your mind and heart.

“With ‘they’ you mean your parents?”

You nodded.

“And what happened next?… ” Asked back the tiny companion of the blond guy that rescued you.

“I got bored and I fell asleep.” You admitted, carefree about it, shrugging your shoulders and sighing.

A total waste of your youth.

“Eh!? Then you didn’t thought about those things? That sounded important!” Paimon seemed disappointed for your answer, while Aether held his forehead, without having a clue of how he was supposed to react.

That was the day you joined their party! New team member, (Y/N) strikes in!

Or something like that,,

“H-Hey! We could use a hand over here!… woah!” The little white girl scold you but from your high sit on the top of a big rock only a exaggerated yawning can be heard. Paimon crossed her arms to almost immediately duck down to dodge a fire bullet from the Fatui. Aether didn’t say anything, he was concentrated fighting.

“Oh, yeah… You’re doing great. Go, Aether, go…”

“Was that supposed to be a cheering?!”

“Hey, calm down” You said “He doesn’t need my help. Just take a look, he’s an adventurer. If I meddle it will be really boring for him.”

“Hmp! Now Paimon believes that you were lying when you said that you were a well refined fighter!” She was floating around you, ignoring the battle of his blond friend. Like a pesky bee, the only thing you did was avoiding her furious gaze. “Don’t ignore Paimon! How can you not hear with those ears!? That’s it! Paimon will give you a ugly nickname!”

“What about ‘extinct deaf elf-der’?”

“Yeah, that’s a good one!” She agreed immediately, then she shook her head, pointing at you like a guilty criminal. “Wait, Paimon doesn’t need your suggestions!”

When the last Fatui was defeated Aether turned back to face both of you, sighing because of the new arguing between you two. His sword disappeared and some steps were took to get closer.

Your eyes met each other, a slight smile in your face after looking him safe and sound. So confident but so unaware of the remain danger hiding. Your expression became a surprised one, then your gaze sharped like a killer sight.

You left Paimon on top of the rock when you jumped down, summoning your own weapon you ran straight to where Aether was. The traveler panicked just a fraction of second before loosing sight of you.

Next thing they know was that a you were behind him, facing at the nothing with a defensive pose, just a second of silence before a impact could be heard. Some dirt and dust was lift as the pair of Fatui Pyro Agents became visible again. They stayed there, defeated in one hit.

“Like I said. It would be pretty boring if I meddle...” Aether and Paimon were shocked, none of them felt their presence, not even the heat of the pyro delusion. Your weapon disappeared in the air, and your hands rested on your waist. “Dear Seven, that was intense.” Looking at your friends you sighed, with the laziness on your body language. “It was my turn to cook dinner, right? What a pain having to eat again… ”

Acting that relaxed after that really made them went Ô_Ô and Ö

A silent speech, where devotion and gratitude are the best topics of conversation. The message that is heard even if there’s no words in between. Just a exchange of gazes. Little signs of affection that are shown when it’s necessary.

Your family was gone. No clues about their whereabouts could’ve found in that cave of where you came. Not even the skeletons of a couple holding their hands and petrified in a sobbing position. Not even ashes.

When you have been thinking about the most unimportant things in the universe for so long you can deal with the lost faster than anyone else. Getting the idea of no remain evidence of your parents and feeling that it wasn’t that heartbreaking.

Maybe because you gained a new family almost immediately.

Still you could empathize with Aether, he still had his precious memories with his sister, still remember her face and her voice. And most important was that he knew that she was still roaming Teyvat, waiting for him.

Even if they leave behind Paimon and you at the end of the trip.

Or even if they just leave you behind.

‘I’m okay with that.’

You thought, stroking Paimon’s hair when her head found a comfortable place to rest in your lap. You thought, moving your shoulder so Aether wouldn’t have neck pain. Both sleeping peacefully and you staying awake night by night.

You’ve slept enough, for so long besides.

Somehow the flames of the campfire are warmer now that you have someone to look how the fire dance in the night.

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“I see, so you were serious when you told me that your companion was a mystical extinct creature, weren’t you?” Albedo’s hand went up to hold his chin, analyzing you from distance.

“They are half of it, actually.” Aether answered back, notice how Sucrose was asking you permission to check your features. The sparkle in her eyes made you accept her petition after feeling with the back against the wall.

“Your ears are like mine! Look, look!” Klee pulled your shirt, then she pointed at the side of her head.

“… Still the shape of both are quite different, the length too.”

Years of isolation really are hitting hard right now. You felt overwhelmed and somehow shy when Sucrose hold your face to have a better look.

You follow the traveler to everywhere, no matter the place, you were there. Like a shadow, sometimes just a spectator, other times like an actual active team member.

“Who would’ve tell that our Honorary Knight also has his own knight watching his back.” Kaeya’s voice has that joke but charming tone, as always.

Day after day, it’s the same, everyone talking you through Aether. Like some kind of translator.

“More like a human shield.” Your hand landed on top of Aether’s head, not agreeing with his explanation.

Bonk.

“I guess everything’s better than being Emergency Food.”

“Hey!”

“Haha! You three are quite a team, aren’t you?”

Of course you were. Mondstadt, Liyue, you name it. You could assure that every place in this two nations have at least one story about the team.

You knew that the most brave and magnificent outlander in Teyvat didn’t need a guardian, he can defend himself (somehow even if he’s still using that dull blade).

Bodyguarding also sounds like such a hassle…

You only provide a last resource help when was needed, sometimes also helping with some puzzles and mysteries.

The long eared people was known to be wise and smart people that searched for the full comprehension of the world. Also such a nerds and fans of knowledge. So, even if you considered yourself dumb, in your blood was the instinct of looking for the truth, and sometimes that impulse could be really annoying.

You were always near enough to reach him. Pulling his scarf from behind to move him away from danger. Countering after he gets hit.

Always in a place where you could reach him.

You just needed to extend your arm and you would catch Aether. It was always like this. Always with you jumping in the middle of the crossfire to shield them if it was necessary.

It’s always like this.

Until the day you three set a foot in Inazuma’s land. And a bad feeling of a imminent catastrophe made your shiver.

A new nation, a new problem to solve. But a war? Boldness and stupidity sometimes looks like the same thing, but no matter how many times you repeat this to Aether, he would still ran into problems.

And you would follow him, until your debt is paid, until his travel is done.

It used to be like this.

But then you failed him after being unable to move because of the fear that paralyzed your body. The day Aether faced Shogun Raiden in the ceremony. The day you heard the broken voice of a god inside the Shogun you also fell apart. It was painful, cruel, a void of anger and sadness.

Jumping into danger, without you behind.

You tried to ran between the goddess and your savior, you tried to get closer to at least be useful one last time as the shield you promised to be.

You tried.

But, for the first time, your hand didn’t reach him.

The void of despair and darkness that could be heard inside the Shogun devoured him.

The tears of panic and fear in Paimon’s eyes. The way the Shogun lifted her sword to end his life. The way you were paralyzed because of her presence, forced to be part of the crowd and presence his execution.

That day your facade of laziness faded away, the real feeling of being a knight burnt along your proud. It was so annoying, it was so unnecessary, but still you couldn’t ignore it.

“Are you… are you sure that you’re okay? We don’t have to find the Sangonomiya resistance today. If you need to rest then-” Your hands were shaking when you placed them in Aether’s shoulders, holding yourself for tearing up.

“We have to keep going. I’ll be fine.”

“Besides, if we stay near Inazuma this night they could find us! Paimon won’t be able to sleep like that!” Your mouth opened to counter their arguments, but not a single word dared to go against Aether’s plans.

They could see it in your face. The worry, the remains of shock and fear, the guilty.

“Don’t try to look strong then. If you get tired, tell us. I can carry you in my back.” Even if you were offering help your voice was serious, so cold but so hurt at the same time that nor Aether or Paimon knew what to said to bring the old you back.

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“… Aren’t you coming?” You could hear how the door was slid to let him saw you. The lighted spots on Aether’s clothes were purple, just as the lighting that almost end him. Your lips made a concerned and stressed grimace.

The young traveler took a seat next to you, outside the structure, sitting on the wooden steps and looking at the starry sky. The wind was cold but still the soldiers of the resistance were talking normally and the slight feeling of discommodity because of the excessive presence of other people was climbing up your back.

“(Y/N), there’s no need of guard us every night. You also need to sleep.”

“I'm not tired, I think I've gotten enough sleep, at least not to need it until the next century.”

Aether’s expressions went into a sarcastic one, asking if you were serious with just his gaze.

“That’s not how it works.” He said, trying to change the mood. “And if it does, then why are you always snoozing during the day in every chance you get?”

You had the answer to that, but you weren’t sure about telling him.

“Because everything supposed to be boring. Nothing really changed a lot and… looking at the familiar places was depressing.” So easy, so simple, but still enjoying the company, still enjoying the sound of theirs laughs and their own shenanigans. “… Lately, I’ve been thinking that I should not had left the cave. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate that you two helped me to be back at the surface, and I really want to help you on your journey, but if you still run into the chaos by own decision I think I could not follow you any longer before being a burden in your adventures.”

Overprotection, an unbreakable shield, frequently avoiding fights, always being pulled back to not be part of the battle. Enemies of the braveness of the traveler.

Worry, panic, an overreaction due to fear of loosing everything again.

‘let me do it’, ‘I got it’, ‘wait here’, ‘don’t get close’.

These day could be described like that.

“So, before I do something worse as an excuse of defend you, please let me find a cave to await. You do what’s is needed and… call me back, or leave me there, anything you think it’s better… ”

You could be pronouncing the words from the very bottom of your heart, but still your face was the same seriousness as the accident almost happened.

And even with that you felt his gloved hand removing the hair that was covering your right ear, revealing how it slightly leaned down, showing sadness unwittingly.

“Hey, cut it out… I’m serious about this… ”

“It doesn’t matter if you think that it’s the best option, you’re still sad about leaving.”

“… That’s cheating.” Removing his hand away from your hair you tried to act indifferent.

“You know the reason why we invited you to came along?”

‘You felt sorry for me.’

“I can’t totally tell the exact reason, but it wasn’t for you to pay us some kind of debt because of saving you.” He crossed his arms, looking at the stars, wondering if his sisters was doing the same. “We don’t need a guardian, we need our friend back. And I know you care about Paimon and me, but still you must enjoy the journey. It’s not fair that you are always aware of every potential danger while we mess around lately.”

An eternal silence, your response is late to appear but somehow Aether can tell that you already have something on your mind.

“Then apologize.”

“… Why?”

“For believing that playing as the hero and jumping to face the Shogun was something you had to do.”

“… but-”

Neither Aether nor you slept that night, the blonde had to listen for hours to all the things that you ever wanted to complain about since you arrived in Inazuma.

You made your position on joining the army of the rebellion very clear, you had no intention of fighting to seek "justice" or "peace". Because after all, that fight did not correspond to you, but if he asked you to, you would protect some soldiers or help to guard the barracks, if he asked you to, you wouldn’t complain about it (at least not that much).

Both had enough of each other’s attitude, but it was okay. Because that was what all of you chose in first place.

#genshin fic #genshin headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x y/n #genshin scenarios #gn reader #mondstadt #genshin impact liyue #aether #genshin aether #aether x reader #aether x you #aether x y/n #gi x you #gi x reader #genshin x y/n #inazuma #gi inazuma #archon quest #lumine #lumine x y/n #genshin mc #reader insert #male reader #aether headcanons #lumine headcanons

[pumpkinspice-prouvaire]

I have a lot of Thoughts and Emotions about the Les Mis UK and Ireland tour and I am going to talk about them now. I’m not really a theatre kid so these will just be my rambles about fave songs and moments and my emotions. Under the cut for spoilers

First of all we had SUCH GOOD SEATS we were right in the middle of the stalls and we could see e v e r y t h i n g - That isn’t relevant to the tour but it’s important to me that you know

I loved how after Valjean’s Soliloquy as the music for At the End of the Day starts we get the title of the show against the backdrop. I am NOT doing that description any justice but it was really cool and that was the moment where I was like HOLY SHIT I’M WATCHING LES MIS

shoutout to Nic Greenshields’ Javert for just being a SUPER IMPOSING and scary figure like that man is TALL AND BROAD AND I WOULD BE SCARED OF HIM. I liked his performance for the most part. Stars is one of my favourite songs in the show and I think he did a great job of it. I have more to say on Javert’s Suicide but we’ll get to that later. 

Dean Chisnall as Jean Valjean was good, but like tbh he didn’t make a massive impression on me. Some of his songs were very shouty, especially Valjean’s Soliloquy. Props to him though because anyone who can play a role like Jean Valjean is massively talented and deserves all the credit. 

I’m not really a crier at all, but I said to aro-enj before we went to the theatre that if I cried at I Dreamed a Dream they’re doing something right. Katie Hall’s Fantine was fantastic and heartbreaking and I did shed a tear, so good for her. 

omg though at the end of Lovely Ladies, Fantine’s first client was the factory foreman!!!!!! He takes her hand and says “Ah yes, the virtuous Fantine” and I s2g I’ve never wanted to climb down all the seats and onto the stage to punch a character in the face before but I was feeling it there. 

The Confrontation was good, but this production had a lot of like, cheorographed fight scenes with lots of punches etc and ngl I found them very distracting at some points?

omg there was a super cute bit following Castle on a Cloud where baby Éponine and Madame Thenardier were copying each other and doing the same mannerisms in a “like mother like daughter” type thing and it was super funny and cute

Thenardier and Madame Thenardier were fun in general- More on that later- But Master of the House is a bop and sorry if you disagree but it’s true

THEN IT WAS 1832 TIME BABYYYYY- Look Down, Paris is another fave of mine and the staging and everything was amazing and of course aro-enj and I did a major flail when we saw our dude our man our guy Enjolras. Also I was such a HUGE FAN of Gavroche in this production he had so much spunk and personality and he was just the coolest lil dude, I really really enjoyed him.

TIME TO TALK ABOUT RED AND BLACK BABYYYYYYYYYYYY. I really enjoyed Samuel Wyn-Morris’ Enjolras. He was intense and passionate and was not there at all for Grantaire and Marius’ fucking about. There were a good few eyerolls and glares but he also wasn’t overly aggressive which was great to see. Steven Hall’s Grantaire was really great as well- Very rowdy and drunk and floppy- During ‘Lamarque is Dead’ and ‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ he was always over at the side of the stage not actually participating in the Revolution which I thought was very very good characterisation. 

And yes, there was ExR. There was a point in Red and Black, I can’t remember when, when Grantaire gave Enjolras a big shit-eating grin and fixed his...Cravat or vest I can’t remember which but I was like YAS. I AM FED. 

ok ok real talk I absolutely adore A Heart Full of Love, I just think it is so damn sweet and romantic and I absolutely loved the staging of it. Marius throws a pebble at Cosette’s window to get her to notice him and I was like omg I cry. They are in LOVE, your honor. 

For me the biggest surprise of the show was how much I enjoyed Will Callan’s performance as Marius. Marius isn’t a character I really focus on a lot but he was the perfect mix of bumbling and romantic and just the sweetest boi and I loved watching him. During In My Life he did a big dramatic twirl thing and it made me giggle because it was just so Marius. 

Nathania Ong’s Éponine was just fantastic. So much personality and On My Own took my damn breath away. I think Éponines are generally cast really well but Nathania’s was playful and young and so so sad at the sad time which is perfect for Ep. And she absolutely made On My Own her own, I had chills. 

omg also I can’t remember what part it was at, I think it was just after A Heart Full of Love? But Marius kind of introduces Eponine and Cosette and they recognise each other which I thought was a really great moment. And there was a part where Eponine has fallen over and Cosette helps her up and it was very sweet

Big fan of Javert’s barricade outfit. How do you do, fellow revolutionaries? 

AGAIN GAVROCHE IS JUST THE COOLEST CHARACTER IN THE SHOW. He straight up gave Javert the middle finger at the barricades and I died it was hilarious. 

SPEAKING OF DEATH, TIME FOR SADNESS THE MUSICAL. 

A Little Fall of Rain was heartbreaking, when Gavroche saw it was Eponine who had been shot he ran over and just stared at her and you could see the shock on his lil face. I always think there’s not enough emphasis on the fact that Eponine and Gavroche are siblings so it was a very nice moment. And when some members of Les Amis lifted Eponine away Enjolras went to Marius and wrapped him in a hug ;_; there were some really good Marius and Enjolras friendship moments in the show in general (aro-enj said they understand Marius/Enjolras shippers now :o)

Grantaire and Gavroche had this really sweet big brother/adoptive father and son relationship, and Grantaire was always trying to distract Gavroche and take him away from the Revolution and it was breaking my heart. During Bring Him Home they fell asleep together in the corner of the stage. I cry. 

AND THEN WHEN GAVROCHE DIED GRANTAIRE CARRIED HIS BODY AWAY FROM THE BARRICADE AND KEPT SHAKING HIM AND TRYING TO GET HIM TO WAKE UP AND IT WAS THE SADDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN

OKAY SO then it’s the final battle everyone is dying. Marius gets shot and both Grantaire and Enjolras run to help him at the same time. They look up and their eyes meet and they hug. 

I witnessed an ExR hug with my own two eyes and I am literally never going to shut up about it or stop thinking about it. besties I am feral. 

OK SO NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD. The barricade got moved away but Gavroche was left on stage and the cart came out with Enjolras’ body on it and they put Gavroche beside him. Big big big ouch. 

And then Dog Eats Dog. I like Thenardier well enough and he was a great comedic character earlier in the show, but comedy during Dog Eats Dog hits a wrong note for me. This is one of the most sinister and dark parts of the show, so getting a couple of laughs in when 1) you’ve already had a LOT earlier in the show and 2) you have a comedic song i.e. Beggars at the Feast before the show finishes, it felt unnecessary 

OK SO JAVERT’S SUICIDE WAS KIND OF WEIRD???? Nic Greenshields got quite shout-y at some points, and while I understand your acting goals here because of Javert’s despair, I am also going to expect you to like...Hit the right notes. But it definitely wasn’t terrible. Also the staging was super weird for it imo. When he jumped there was a special effect to make it look like he was falling, but his limbs were flailing everywhere and honestly it just kind of looked silly and comical and I actually snorted. Not exactly the dramatic ending for Javert I was expecting. 

EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES RIPPED MY SOUL FROM MY BODY AND KICKED IT TO DEATH. I’ve already said I really enjoyed Will Callan’s performance as Marius, and he was truly excellent here. It was absolutely heartbreaking and his voice and acting were superb, and then when you think it can’t get any sadder Les Amis come out of the shadows and stand around Marius as he sings. At the end Les Amis fade into the background again, and Marius shares one more look with Enjolras before he disappears. SAD. 

Also Thenardier changed the “this one’s a queer but what you gonna do?” line in Beggars at the Feast to “this one’s a queer but I’ve tried it too.” Thenardier is bisexual it’s canon now. 

ok so FINALE TIME. @ the person whose phone rang LOUDLY during the Bring Him Home reprise if I ever find you I’m going to BITE YOUR ANKLES. 

But anyway. One thing I really really loved is that when Fantine came back SHE HAD HER LONG HAIR AGAIN. It really annoys me that Fantine cutting her hair is a symbol of how far she’s fallen, and yet oftentimes when she comes back in the finale when she’s at peace she’ll still have her short hair???? Make it make sense???? So I’m really really glad they fixed that. 

The Finale gets me every damn time man. I think I’m going to get through it and then I hear “And remember the truth that once was spoken...” And I lose it. So yes more tears were shed, which again means they did it right. Also Valjean saw the Bishop again during DYHTPS and they hugged and it was wonderful, I love seeing the Bishop and Valjean meeting again in heaven. 

BUT YES THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS the show was so so excellent and so worth it. Stand out performances for me were Katie Hall’s Fantine, Nathania Ong’s Eponine, Will Callan’s Marius and the Gavroche we had that day (not sure which actor we had). But really the whole cast is gonna live in my head rent free from now on. There’s probably a lot of moments I enjoyed that I’m missing but hopefully @aromantic-enjolras will catch any I missed if they do a post about the show. I don’t even know what else to say just stan Les Mis and eat your vegetables I guess. 

#les mis 2021 #les mis uk and ireland #long post

[judyhopps934-mt-zd]

Thoughts on Gang of Secrets

Warning: Spoilers and intense emotions. Have fun!

Chat Noit sensed that something is wrong with Ladybug. Love how he can sense that based on what she doesn't say.

She almost didn't pound it and was distracted to do so. Oh boy.

BOIIII WHY DID YOU TAKE HER TO THE MOVIES???? THIS IS NOT THE TIME!!! AND LADYBUG KNOWS THIS AS SHOWN BY HER FACIAL EXPRESSION!!! I am SCREAMING because he took her to a movie ABOUT ROMANCE!!!

The civilians do not mind that superheroes are going to the movies. That is until...

Ladybug goes into this rant about romcoms and I agree with every word she says. There is no such thing as a happy ever after and things do not go perfectly. Go off Ladybug!!! There's a reason why I hate rom coms.

The civilians being shocked/annoyed from her rant just adds to it. I am guessing because this is literally freaking Paris and considering the couples there. Has the same vibes as Grunkle Stan from Gravity Falls when he approached a couple to say marriage is terrible in the second episode.

Hurts that the rant was the reflection of Marinette's dilemma.

Chat finds out that it was about heartbreak. He finally picks up about social cues! Good work Chat! Too bad that you learned that after your breakup with Kagami.

Ah, the swimming pool. A great place to go to forget your heartbreak go for a swim.

Realized that akumas cannot attack people if they are submerged under water, which is why she goes to the pool and a theory roaming online that she goes to the pool to cry makes a lot of sense.

I know this is a kids show and that logic gets thrown out the window, but does no one in Paris find it fishy that Ladybug in her swim suit enters the Dupain-Cheng household???? I feel like no one cares.

Ladybug might say that the board of pictures with Adrien and Luka and some of her friends might not bother her, but it seems to bother her somewhat as it is a reminder of the relationships that she can't have as long as she's Ladybug. It hurts badly though.

Unpopular opinion: The Kwamis can be good at providing comfort and probably make them laugh, but they are not the best therapists. Do not blame them though.

Marinette only detransforms for Tikki's wellbeing. She is at that point where the only reason she does something is because someone else is suffering, not for herself. It hurts seeing her suffer like this.

Tikki is fine despite being in the earrings for a long time. She is more concerned about Marinette though.

Meanwhile, the girls have their suspicions about Marinette as they did not know about her breakup with Luka until he told Juleka, which started a chain that I cannot remember, but do remember that it ended with Alya.

They call Marinette, but she does not answer because what will she tell them? The not answering part is a mood, but the reason hurts.

Alix being like "why not get orange juice with her and talk about her feelings" and everyone else staring at her as if she was the one with a crazy idea. I can't! Especially when she was like "*sigh* fine"

Also, Luka is not taking the breakup well either if Juleka's photo is anything to go by.

The bracelet idea is cute. I did something similar to that Junior year.

The scene from the ad that made us mad: Marinette transforming angrily after saying how her life as Marinette is complicated and prefers to be Ladybug all the time. It hurts to see this scene actually be in the 3rd episode as the guardianship and the breakup had consumed her so quickly.

Baby girl, we love you and we know as the audience how hard your life is now. This is why we are very concerned about you challenging ShadowMoth. Concerning.

But she breathes and goes back inside. Glad that you blew off some steam, but is everyone in Paris not aware that this just happened?!?!? Hello!?!?!?! Like Plagg said: People are blind. And a good thing too.

Just as this was happening, the girls come barging in. Good that they are great friends for being concerned, but have they ever heard of knocking?

Rose finds the dollhouse. Its a nice dollhouse, but isn't that too obvious that it will attract other people's attention? Not judging though, its a nice dollhouse and shows the expansion of Marinette's craft.

Originally, I thought they were coming after Marinette because of what happened in the episode "Ladybug", but glad to know her other friends cared about her too!

Alya comes up to find Marinette in the balcony just as she detransformed. That was WAYY too close.

Obviously, this made Marinette angry. Like who wouldn't be? They did barge into her room without asking and she was already stressed out as it is. And they were also snooping through her stuff.

In the heat of anger, Marinette said that she didn't want their friendship, which shocked everyone. So they left. But they weren't mad, they were just upset.

At least no friends means reduced amount to lying??? Yeah, but we need friends in life, so it is a lose-lose case.

Sabine asks of they are okay and no one says anything. I wonder if she will ask Marinette later on.

They go to the park and as they recall their pain, ShadowMoth akumatizes them in a link because of their emotional connection to the bracelet. They didn't even have to hold hands in a circle!

Finally, a safeguard for the Miracle Box that isn't obvious and is protected by a passcode. The record sonogram (or whatever is called) that Master Fu had!

Bruh, they couldn't come up with something different for the Gang of Secrets other than their former akumatized selves???

And then the girls (now the Gang of Secrets) barge into Marinette's room (again) to get her to spill her secrets.

Trixx using their power of illusion to lead the Gang of Secrets somewhere else. And Marinette was hidden.

Lady WiFi wondering how Marinette jumped 3 stories without superpowers was just that wholesome moment like girl you don't even know.

Every kwami using their powers without a holder has their own adverse affect. For Trixx, it was making the Eifel Tower dance (or at least I think it's dancing)

Plagg is like "this isn't a me thing, this is an everyone thing, but more importantly a Trixx thing." Adrien is like "M'Lady needs me!"

Ladybug and Marinette merge into one (figuratively speaking) when she tells Chat why the Gang of Secrets was there in the first place. Poor girl, we need to give her a hug.

Ladybug confronts Lady WiFi and tries to tell her that she is trusted and about Rena Rouge. Then...

SHE BREAKS OUT OF HER SIDE OF THE AKUMATIZATION!!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! ALYA HAS BECOME THE FIRST PERSON TO BE AKUMATIZED AND BREAK OUT OF IT! AND SHE HURT SHADOWMOTH WHILE DOING SO! I'M HAPPY FOR MY GIRL.

Ladybug trusts Alya and gives her the Fox Miraculous again. Not complaining, but what about ShadowMoth knowing her secret identity??? Miracle Queen anyone??? You know, a chunk of the reason WHY MARINETTE IS SUFFERING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?

Also, teleportation of the Miraculous from the Miracle Box to Ladybug's yoyo! (Well more like a direct connection!) Cool and smart!

Rena Rouge, THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING US MARICHAT STANS AND OUT #justice for Marichat CAMPAIGN STARTED BY SOME OF MY FOLLOWERS ASKING FOR MORE MARICHAT EVEN IF IT WAS FOR 3 SECONDS!!!! (Yes I notice your comments peoples, I am generally a tired and busy person to respond, but I eventually acknowledge everything)

Can we take a moment and point out how amazing it was that Chat was fighting three (four???) akumas ON HIS OWN WHILE ON THE CAT PHONE!!! ICONIC!

IT WAS ALL SO CLOSE! SHADOWMOTH ALMOST HAD THE MIRACULOUS IF IT WEREN'T FOR PERFECT TIMING!

The moment with Alya in the alley! Friendship goals.

Marinette comes to terms that the breakup upsetted her so much and finds that love is complicated and chose friendship at the very least. Their reunion was what they all needed after what happened.

Alya stays behind to say that she knows that there is more, but will not press further. Can we get an applause for character growth?

Marinette asks her to stay longer as she wanted to tell her something.

It really was hard for her to keep lying to everyone and how she had to break up with Luka for this reason while also fearing that it would be the same with Adrien (she does not know, so she has a right to fear, also Chat Blanc!) She really needs a hug and such.

The whole concern about things changing between them is relatable to be but on a different context. It hit hard for me.

My fellow peoples: the moment that we were (sort of) waiting for ages is here:

JE SUIS LADYBUG! MARI TOLD ALYA THAT SHE'S LADYBUG!!!!

And Alya GIVES HER A HUG AS IN SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT THIS MEANT AND THE REALIZATION OF WHAT MARINETTE WENT THROUGH!

As sad as I am that it was not Chat that she said this to first, I am glad that it was Alya. As her best friend literally hours prior to becoming Ladybug, having stuck by her side unconditionally, and having the willpower to break out of her akumatization, Alya is a perfect choice. Now I look forward to see how Alya helps Marinette deal with this burden.

Overall, this is a top tier episode, aka the best episode in the entire series in my opinion! I love how we explore Marinette's feelings regarding everything that is going on in her life and the ramifications of her being a guardian. It hurts and at the same time, it is beautifully executed! It shows the evolution of the writing and of the characters!

My arm hurt from the vaccine yesterday and these posts are usually long, so that's why it's released today rather than yesterday. Anyways, I recommend watching this episode!

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous #ml #ml ladybug #miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir #mlb #934 posts #marinette dupain cheng #ml spoilers #ml season 4 spoilers #miraculous season 4 spoilers #miraculous spoilers #mlb season 4 #miraculous season 4 #ml season 4 #miraculous les aventures de ladybug et chat noir #miraculous lb #miraculous fandom #mlb fandom #mlb 2021 #mlb spoilers #poor mari she needs a hug this season #gang of secrets spoilers #ml gang of secrets #gang of secrets #934 miraculous thoughts

[oliverwxod]

Where he stood (Bucky Barnes)

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Summary: Giving away the shield leads to more than Bucky and Y/n being angry at Sam, but leading to unsaid things and hidden feelings. ITALICS ARE FLASHBACKS.

 "Sam, how could you? How could you do this?" Y/n was not happy, following after the man as he walked away from her, not wanting to hear it. "Do not ignore me Wilson" she cried, following closer behind him now as he tried to tune her out. Sam was sick and tired of hearing it. 

 "God damn it Y/n" Sam spoke angrily, coming to a stop and finally turning to face her, finally looking her in the eyes. "I had to" he replied.

 "That shield was Steve's! then HE gave it to you. He gave it to you Sam! You can't-" She huffed a breath in anger as she tried to find the words to say "you can't just give it away"

 "It's done now Y/n." He grit out through clenched teeth. "Now leave it, I've got more important things to do" 

 "More important things to do? What's more important than this? Than some wanna be captain America taking Steves place, taking Steve's shield! Why aren't you even bothered by this? It should be Steve there!" She was getting worked up now. 

 "Yeah- well if you hadn't noticed y/n, Steve's not here and he's not coming back" he knew it was harsh to say, especially to her after how delicate the subject normally was, but he didn't have the time and he already felt bad enough.

 "Sam" the angry voice of a new person now echoed around the room. Sam rolled his eyes, he really couldn't deal with one angry person, but now Bucky had decided to also pay him a visit. 

"Bucky" Sam spoke "long time no see" 

 "How could you?" Bucky asked, seething in anger, his eyes glowering in hatred, jaw clenched extremely tightly as he stared him down. “you had no right”

 "I'm not dealing with this now, from either of you" Sam grit out. It was only then that Bucky realised he wasn't the only one there. He was taken aback when his eyes landed on her, y/n. 

 "Y/n" Bucky spoke quietly in surprise. 

 Sam cocked an eyebrow at the way they were staring at each other. 

 "Bucky" she said politely before looking back to Sam.

 They hadn't seen each other since that night. A night of heartbreak when they both couldn't find the words to say after Steve had left them earlier that week. Instead they spoke through their bodies, allowing each other to take the pain away, the pain of Bucky losing his best friend when he had only just gotten him back. And Y/n, the pain of losing the man she was in love with, who chose a life he had always dreamed of over her. 

 She had left in the morning, watching the soldier sleep peacefully next to her, a white sheet as pure as snow doing little to cover his naked body from her view. She had decided she couldn't be vulnerable to anyone anymore. Especially not another super soldier.

 "You need to get it back" y/n spoke to him, Sam only turning back to walk away from her. Both her and Bucky followed him either side, both hounding him with questions 

 "Shut up" Sam finally raised his voice. 

"You didn't think that this wasn't hard for me? It was. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I did it and it's done, now end of" 

 "No. It's not end of" Bucky spoke distressed.

Y/n assessed the situation, Sam looked really tired and Bucky looked intensely angry. Nothing good was going to come out of this, constant arguing back and forth. 

“okay guys, let’s just stop and talk this out without getting any more angrier” she said putting on her calmest voice and trying to breathe through her nose to push back how she was really feeling. 

“there’s nothing to talk about Y/n” Sam sighed deeply. “I've got things to do” 

“well... we will come with you then” she spoke. 

“no” 

“Barnes?” she spoke, eyes glancing over to him for a silent cry of help, he seemed to understand exactly what she was thinking and how she was thinking. He alway could with her.

“we’re coming with you” he spoke, voice less angry now. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it was silently awkward on the jet. None of them saying anything, it had been a while since they had all seen each other, even longer for Y/n who hadn’t had contact with either of them since a few weeks after Steve left for good. 

Y/n hated the tension but hated small talk even more, she couldn’t find the words to say, opening her mouth every couple of minutes to speak, but deciding against it. 

Bucky watched her in slight amusement while still managing to send glares Sam’s way.

“I can’t take this” Sam said staring at Bucky. “You look like you’re trying to kill me with your eyes.” 

“I am” Bucky replied bluntly.

“great” he spoke. “and you?” he asked directing his gaze towards Y/n who shrugged. 

“it crossed my mind” she said. 

“Nice” he spoke “so I'm stuck here with two assassins who both are thinking of murdering me. I feel so safe” he smiled sarcastically.  

“why did you do it?” she asked genuinely. 

Sam sighed, staring at her with complete honestly. 

“It didn’t belong to me. It didn’t feel right” he said, but he couldn’t meet her eyes, neither Bucky’s. 

“He gave it to you for a reason” Y/n said, slightly bitter. 

“where have you been?” Sam directed the questions at her now. She had fully disappeared off the face of the earth on that fateful day, to only show up out of the blue and somehow knowing exactly where to find him. 

“around” she shrugged brushing it off. “just trying to live a normal life” 

Bucky scoffed, chuckling under his breath. She narrowed her eyes at him in irritation. 

“something to say?” she asked. 

“you’ll never live a normal life” he said giving her a stare so plain it almost hurt. 

“I’ve realised” she huffed in annoyance at the fact. 

She realised the minute she turned her TV on and saw a knock off Captain America, proudly holding a shield on live television. She had tried so hard to forget about Steve, forget about her life but it was impossible, of course it was, she couldn’t believe she ever thought she could move on. 

She remembered seething in anger, teary eyes watching this stranger grip Steve’s shield. She had run to the bathroom to throw up, the overwhelming rush of emotions was too much. She wasn’t ready to move on just yet.

She sat in silence again, listening to Bucky and Sam bicker. She stared at the side of the super soldiers face, her thoughts drifting to the last time she saw him. 

“make me forget” she whispered “please”

“I’ll always make you forget” he promised, brushing a stray hair from her face, thumb catching the tear from the corner of her eyes before it had a chance to fall. 

As if Bucky knew what she was thinking he turned to meet her eyes, an unreadable emotion on his face. 

Why did it have to be Steve that brought them back together, he thought. How could he ever be honest about how he felt when she would never be over him. 

“so you’re still going on missions?” Y/n spoke up, directing the question very obviously at Sam. She had no idea what Bucky was doing but she had kept tabs on all the Avengers whose files were easily accessible. 

Bucky’s file had nothing on his previous where about or job. 

Sam nodded, passing her a phone with a video already pulled up on screen. She pressed play watching as a group of people were running from the police, it zeroed in on a particular muscular looking person, Y/n gasping as she saw him throw a police officer into a lamp post with extreme force. 

“super soldiers?” she gasped, looking up at Sam before glancing to Bucky with wide eyes. 

“super soldiers?” Sam spoke as if he hadn’t considered the possibility. 

“I uh- this person is built exactly like one” she spoke almost embarrassed. She had experience with not only one, but two super soldiers, she knew exactly how they were built. 

Bucky blushed slightly, his thoughts going back to that night like hers had just minutes ago. 

Soft hands grabbed gently at his shoulders, exploring a path down his scarred arm, he shivered, easily manhandling her onto her back as his weight pressed down against her, lips pressed softly to the skin of her neck as his body melded to her own.

“Bucky” 

He often found his thoughts drifting back to that night. Sometimes when he was having trouble sleeping he tried to remember every single little detail and word whispered intimately into his ear and it calmed him down. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/n had no idea how a simple intended talk to Sam ended up with her thrown back into the field, fighting alongside the stranger that tried to call himself Captain America. She hated every second, not sparing her distaste for him at all. Bucky seemed to be doing the same, even Sam had joined in with glaring at him

Y/n had caught the shield, holding it in her hand for a few seconds longer than needed before throwing it back, hitting the person next to the new Captain, it had skimmed him too just as she had intended, a small unsaid threat lingering in her glare. 

Sam had disappeared, Bucky too, she thought maybe this would be a great time to take the shield and run but he had caught on, overly suspicious of her from the start, the man standing in a suit not made for him threw the shield at her hitting her straight in the side as she fell from the moving truck.

Bucky heard a scream, watching as she fell off the side of the truck, without thought he jumped after her, catching her in his arms and turning them so she fell onto him when they hit the ground; he winced briefly before checking she was okay. 

“I'm going to kill him” she spoke angrily trying to get up but Bucky held her down, arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her close as she thrashed around.

“shhh”

“that smug son of a bitc-”

“calm down” he soothed, but she carried on kicking at him.

“let go of me” 

“doll” he spoke and she froze before she stopped resisting completely. 

Bucky let out a breath of air and relaxed too, mindlessly running his hand up and down her back to calm her more. 

Her mind once again drifting to somewhere else. 

Buckys hand trailed gently down her naked body, soothing over the dips of her collar bones before skimming the side of her ribs, a soft soothing pattern that lulled her to sleep, her breathing evening out.

“sweet dreams doll”

“there you are” Sam’s voice was loud as he ran to them out of breath. 

Y/n stood up, shoulders squared as she glared at him. 

“did you see what that son of a bitch did?” 

“who? Bucky?” Sam asked confused. 

“no, that asshole” she huffed “he hit me- he hit me with the shield” 

“look” he sighed  “we’re in the ass end of nowhere right now, lets go find somewhere to sleep and figure out a plan, its getting dark” Sam tried to reason, Y/n knew it was a pleads because he was extremely tired. 

“no. I’m going to find him and -”

“Y/n” Bucky spoke, a stern tone reminding her of the voice Steve used to use when she stepped out of line on the field, her heart lurched painfully as she gave in following behind the two men who had started to walk along a dirt trail of road. 

Part 2 anyone? I have some good ideas for some more bits that will be more exciting

#Bucky Barnes imagine #Bucky Barnes smut #James barnes imagine #falcon and winter soldier imagine #Bucky Barnes fanfic

[shawnmendesbuddy]

LOVE AND HATE

Summary: Shawn and Y/N have hated each other for a long time now. But lucky for them, a little magic can make all the difference.

Warnings: Drunk Shawn (if that even counts)

A/N: So this is my first imagine, don’t judge me 😬. It’s not perfect, but give me feedback in the comments, thanks!

Sometimes the world is not as it appears. Sometimes people fall in love and tell each other. Sometimes people fall in love and instead of telling each other, they create an intense hate for the other to push their feelings away. But love and hate are so closely related that sometimes feelings get mixed up. Especially when there is a dash of magic involved.

“Pleeeaaaasssseeee let me hold your haaannnd,” Shawn slurred out to Y/N. At first she thought he had been messing with her as one of his cruel jokes, but after a half hour of his persistency, she granted him his wish of following her around the club. Now he wanted to hold her hand and Y/N was not going to let it happen.

Y/N was unsure if Shawn had gotten so drunk that he forgot that they hated each other, or if someone had slipped him a little Amour into his cup. Amour was an extremely rare flower that was said to make you fall in love with someone for a short period of time if inhaled or ingested. Y/N hoped it was the latter because then she would never let Shawn live it down.

You see, Shawn and Y/N hadn’t always been enemies. In fact, all the way up until sixth grade they were best friends. Neither Y/N nor Shawn knows who started it, but one day, their friendship shifted into a hateful thing and they had never gotten past it.

Some people would argue with them and say that the reason they grew distant and hateful toward the other was to push them away so they wouldn’t find out their true feelings about the other person.

But Shawn and Y/N were so engrossed in stopping the other person from finding out their feelings for them, that they couldn’t see that they both felt the same way.

“Please Y/N. I just want to hold your hand so bad. Please.” He begged again. Y/N ignored him and walked away. She heard a whimper behind her, but refused to turn around.

“Y/N you realize that when someone is under the influence of Amour and you’re the person they’re in love with and you leave them alone or ignore them they are in physical pain. It’s like the worst heartbreak you’ve ever felt but ten times worse. And you also suffer low self esteem as one of the side effects if the person you fell in love with ain’t giving you attention?” Laney ranted on.

She had been very intrigued in the Amour plant for as long as Y/N could remember. She knew so much about it, and all she was doing was spewing facts at Y/N to try and make her help Shawn.

Y/N had to admit that she felt a little guilty about making him go thorough that. She cared for him deep down but she couldn’t show it or else he would never talk to her again. She would rather have rude and spiteful Shawn than no Shawn. So Y/N turned back around, sighed, and reached her hand out to Shawn’s , who’s face beamed with the biggest smile she’d seen him give her since right before they started hating each other.

“Aww thank you so much Y/N You’re so beautiful.” Shawn whispered into Y/N’s ear causing shivers to go down her spine. He hadn’t called her beautiful in the longest of times. Her heart stuttered in her chest.

“Can I hug you, please?” Shawn gave her puppy dog eyes and Y/N nodded as he pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

“You’re going to have to bring him home with you tonight, you realize that?” Laney said.

Shawn released Y/N and kissed her forehead. “Ooh, when we get back to your place, can we cuddle?”

Y/N chuckled. “You know, on a normal day Shawn, you hate me.” Shawn’s eyes widened at what Y/N had said.

“How could I ever hate an angel like you? Are you sure that’s not a different Shawn you’re thinking of?”

“I’m positive.”

“Well then I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I promise I’ll never hurt you again. Forgive me?” Y/N chuckled as Shawn pouted.

“You realize that when the Amour loses its effects you’ll break that promise?” Y/N’s voice dropped with sadness. Sometimes she just wanted her best friend back.

“Why?! I don’t understand!” Shawn whined. “I’m in love with you so how could I hate you?”

Now Shawn was genuinely confused. Yes he was under the effects of the Amour, but he had always harbored feelings for Y/N. And he had regretted ever being mean to her or making her feel worthless. His intentions were to make her distance herself but it didn’t work too well since they had the same friends.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He hoped to remember the promise that he made her once the effects wore off. He wasn’t positive who had slipped him the Amour, but he was pretty sure it has been Laney. She had wanted a test subject for years and she must have just got her hands on some Amour and what better way to test then on her best friend’s enemy.

Y/N dragged Shawn out to her car and helped him into the passenger’s seat. He whimpered in pain when she let go of his hand and closed the door. He had to be touching Y/N or it felt like he was being pricked in the heart by a bunch of tiny needles.

“Here you go,” Y/N said offering her hand up to him once she had started the car.

“Thanks,” Shawn said kissing it and putting it back on the middle console with his hand clasped in hers.

“Actually, instead of going to my house, let’s just head to yours. You have a comfier couch anyways.” Y/N said.

Though their hate had stopped them from being friends years ago, Shawn’s friends requested that he invite her to every group hangout that he hosted at his house. Shawn would act out out about it, but secretly would love the fact that Y/N would be at his house.

***

“Hurry up and get in my house. It’s been soooo loooong since me and you have been alone together.” Shawn whined pulling Y/N into his house. “Do you want something to drink? Let’s watch a show and have snacks like we used to do when...before...” Y/N was surprised that even in his state, he could remember what had happened between them or at least sort of.

“Umm, I don’t know if a movie is the best thing to watch,” In truth, Y/N would’ve loved to have watched a movie with Shawn because she missed the old times, but she was worried about what Shawn would try during the movie. Plus, it was already 10:45 and she wasn’t sure she could stay awake much longer.

Shawn pouted his lips at Y/N and she sighed. “I’m putting my foot down because it’s late and I’m tired and taking care of you is not something I’m very fond of doing!” She snapped at Shawn. She didn’t mean to, but she was exhausted and wanted to go to bed.

A tear fell down on Shawn’s cheek. “Umm I’m sorry. I... I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but I guess I must’ve really hurt you and I’m sorry. I thought there might’ve been a little part of you that still cared about me. Umm...goodnight Y/N.”

Y/N felt her heart ache for the boy. She remembered Laney saying that people under the influence of Amour were extremely sensitive to what the person that they “love” says and does.

Shawn trudged over to his room and closed the door. Y/N walked through his apartment—something she’d never done when she’d been over—and found pictures of when they were kids and still friends. She found one where Shawn had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and they were staring at each other in a way she could only define as love.

Y/N shook her head and sighed, walking over to Shawn’s piano. She touched a few of the keys and looked up at the sheet music resting on the piano. ‘Why’ was the name of the song.

Y/N jumped when she heard the clicking of Shawn’s door opening. “I...umm...I’m taking the couch tonight, you can sleep in my bed.” He was dressed in a white t-shirt and black sweatpants and his hair was tousled. Y/N’s heart swooned at the sight.

Y/N shook her head. “I can’t take your bed, this is your house and I’ve been so mean to you.”

“Well I’m not taking the bed so you better so my bed isn’t wasted tonight.” Shawn shot her puppy eyes.

“Fine, but just because you gave me puppy eyes.”

“I uh...” Shawn scratched the back of his neck. Y/N hadn’t seen this nervous side of Shawn in a while. Usually he was really cocky around her. “I left some clothes out for you to change into, but if you don’t, I get it.”

“Thank you, I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Y/N said hugging Shawn and kissing his cheek. “Goodnight.”

***

Shawn woke in the middle of the night in cold sweats. His head ached and he was disoriented. And why was he on the couch? And were those...no it couldn’t have been Y/N’s shoes at the door. But...he didn’t know anyone else that were specially made pink Doc Martins.

So did that mean that Y/N was in his house...right now? Not just for a group hang out? No, that couldn’t be. Shawn shook his head.

He thought back to the night before. He had gone to a club with his friends and Y/N was there. She looked so beautiful, as always. And then...Laney offered to buy him a drink. And...oh gosh!

His memories came flooding back to him and he cringed in embarrassment. How could he have let himself go so far as to cry in front of her? She seemed almost...happy in his memories that he was talking to her. Did she really care that much if he was in love with her? There was nothing more he could do to harm their friendship.

What if...what if this was his only chance to talk to her normally without it being awkward because she thought he was still under the influence of Amour. All he would have to do is act like he did yesterday. It would be easy, right?

Shawn cleared his thoughts and grabbed his phone which was resting on the coffee table. 5:00 AM. He should at least get up and go to the gym or something.

He heard the door to his bedroom opening and he quickly covered his head with blankets and pretended to be asleep. “Ahem,” he heard Y/N clear her throat. It was one of the cutest things ever and Shawn couldn’t help but blush.

He slowly stretched and yawned pretending like he was waking up. He cracked his eyes open and smiled at Y/N. She was dressed in one of his gym shorts and his gym shirt. She looked so adorable in his clothes and Shawn’s heart fluttered.

“Umm good morning. I hope you don’t mind that I’m wearing some of your gym clothes, but I kinda wanted to work out. Do you want to come with me?” Shawn nodded his head eagerly, perhaps too eagerly, even for someone under Amour.

***

“Here, let me pay for that,” Shawn said pulling out a 20 and placing it on the counter at the smoothie shop.

“You shouldn’t have paid for me. I’ve been awful to you. Well you probably don’t even remember. You probably won’t even remember this conversation in a couple of hours. I think the affects are only supposed to last 12 or so hours. Let’s see, you started acting up at around 10:00 so we have,” Y/N checked her watch,”3 hours, give or take.”

Shawn nodded his head trying to act oblivious. He was unsure what to do. Should he just tell her?

“Y/N I’m not under the influence of Amour. Or at least not anymore. I haven’t been since I woke up.”

Y/N looked up at him, her eyes widening. “Okay then, tell me something that only you would know if you weren’t influenced.”

Shawn scoffed and shook his head. “I’ve made you cry more times than I want to even think about. When we were in sixth grade and I vowed that I would never hurt you, I broke it. So many times. But I thought that by breaking it,” Shawn sighed taking Y/N’s hands into his own. “I was scared. I fell in love with you. I didn’t want to ruin anything. I didn’t understand why I felt nervous around you. I thought that maybe if I distance myself right then, I could fix our friendship later. But the only way you would leave me alone was if I really hurt you. So I did what I thought I had to do. And I’ve been regretting it since then. Every time I would say something mean, I would cry myself to sleep thinking I hurt your feelings. And I kept the act up because you would be mean right back to me and I thought you hated me. But I can’t keep doing that. I’m in love with you. Every song I’ve written about love has been about you. My cards are all out on the table. You can take them or...you know...leave them.” Shawn said voice quieting towards the end.

“I’m so glad to hear that Shawn! So incredibly glad! Was that song on the piano I think it was called ‘Why’, was that about me?” Shawn nodded his head.

Y/N pulled his ear down to her mouth. “Let’s not put each other through hell and let’s get over ourselves.” Shawn smiled and pulled Y/N into a sweet passionate kiss which she returned.

Sometimes love and hate are so similar that who you hate is the person that you love.

#Shawn Mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn Mendes imagines #shawn mendes imagines #shawn fluff #angst imagine #shawnangst #drunkshawn #fluffyshawn #softboyshawn #imagines

[alirhi]

Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

#loki #loki spoilers #loki series #loki negativity #loki hate #thor 2011 #the dark world #ragnarok #the avengers #infinity war #endgame #fuck sylvie #fuck marvel #fuck disney #this show sucked #ragepost #rant #long post #ali is angry

[chainofclovers]

This Way Up season 2 thoughts and feelings

We finished watching the second season of This Way Up last night (watched it in two sittings over Friday and Saturday) and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would though the season did feel uneven at times. The story also made me feel incredibly, incredibly sad, and my brain is so cluttered with thoughts that I'm not sure I'll be able to actually make sense of the show if I don't just go on and share my impressions, as scattered, self-indulgent, and based on the limited memory of a single viewing as they are.

Where was I when I was watching this season of television?

Physically, I was on the couch with my wife, repeatedly remembering and forgetting that the Olympics were happening. And so, interspersed with this deep dive into the mental health and personal and professional challenges of London-based Irish sisters Áine and Shona, I experienced some archery, skateboarding (those bros honestly seem tooooo cool to even want to come to something as embarrassingly earnest as the Olympics, but good for them!), and men's gymnastics.

Mentally, I was contemplating some significant professional (and, yes, personal in their way) life events that are neither here nor there for tumblr dot com. I was also considering the season two premiere of Ted Lasso and my fannish relationship to that show. For it is true--the person I was while watching season 1 of This Way Up is not the same person who watched season 2 this weekend, because in the meantime a 45-year old white man from Kansas (and every person he knows) managed to become my primary media preoccupation, and I am surprisingly chill about how not chill I am about this anxiety-ridden ray of sunshine/football coach (both footballs). But as we all know, being chill does not mean feeling chill. That make sense?

Anyway. This Way Up. It's about to become a mess of spoilers and feelings in here, so venture behind the cut if you dare!

For Obvious Queer Reasons I was extremely curious to find out what happens between Shona and Charlotte and Shona and Vish. As such, while it was uncomfortable to watch, I think my favorite scene in the whole season is when Shona and Vish have video chat sex and Shona has this intrusive memory of sleeping with Charlotte that feels like the ONLY moment in the entire season that she isn't performing or editing herself in some way.

My other favorite moment is when Charlotte talks about how upsetting it is to feel like a "lesson learned" chapter in Shona's autobiography.

I cannot believe I'm about to type these words, but I think the writing on this show might actually put too much trust in viewers to pick up on things. I know, this never happens! This is my dream! Why am I typing this? But hear me out. I think there are a lot of interesting parallels in terms of whether Shona and Vish (established, engaged, committed) and Áine and Richard (new, taboo [but is it really that crazy that she ends up dating the dad of someone she tutors?], exploratory) are truly able to listen to each other and accept each other's needs. It's about honesty or lack thereof, and it's also about what's really happening inside someone's mind. It's such an incredible moment when Richard tells Áine he likes that she's always so "up" and she has this private moment where you can see this heartbreak in her eyes because of course we know that she really struggles with her mental health and with depression. And I like that the show has both Bradley and Charlotte in the position of being on the overlapping outside of those relationships, offering their own wisdom from a place of really, really caring about Áine and Shona. But I just wanted MORE of that. This episodes are so short, and I needed there to be more of a tight story about those parallels, more of a sense that we'd hurtle towards some kind of revelation by episode 6.

I realize this is a thing about UK shows, but these seasons are just too short. The episodes are like 24 minutes long and there are only six of them and I felt that while you could create an effective season of TV with those constraints, this season jumped between scenes too frequently. I wanted to live in the scenes for longer. I didn't want to feel like I was watching the editing and decisions about what to show happen before my eyes.

If season 3 happens, my second biggest dream is that Bradley and Áine can have a conversation following up from the observation that it would be nice to be with someone they're just comfortable with (spoken while they're slumped on the couch together having one of the warmest conversations two characters share all season). My biggest dream is that Shona and Charlotte can have a respectful conversation about how Shona defines her sexuality. I want Shona to be safe explaining if she'd want to use the term bisexual or queer or pan or even lesbian or some combination of those terms. Not because the labels are the most useful thing, but because in this case it would be incredibly useful for her to force herself to choose some words, not in the context of feeling Vish-related pressure. To be brave enough to describe herself, and to be safe enough to know that Charlotte isn't going to make some snide comment about men. It's totally fair that Charlotte is so hurt, but she needs to be able to listen, too.

I do think this season does an incredible job capturing Shona's intense ambivalence about herself, and how she is SCRAMBLING to deflect from that by focusing on her sister, work, family, wedding-planning, the hen do, basically anything but dealing with her own little brain and heart. I mean, when COVID starts to arrive in their lives, it feels like she really wants Vish's asthmatic uncle to be the golden ticket they need to call off the wedding.

I have mixed feelings about how frequently Áine references the feeling of being an actor or the feeling of experiencing things as someone might in a movie or show or the feeling that someone else is treating her as an actor or character rather than as a real person. I think it's an interesting thing to write about, but upon first watch I struggled to figure out if it was a commentary on the other parts of the story or an additional thread Aisling Bea wanted to weave into an already incredibly short season of TV.

It was very jarring to have a COVID plot. The only mainstream media I've seen so far with a COVID plot is--LOL (to quote Áine, who says LOL so many times this season)--the final scene of the Saved By the Bell remake. Again I say LOL!!! I didn't hate it or love it, necessarily, I just thought it felt strange because we're still in the pandemic and everything is strange.

Everything with Tom was so, so, so painful. I don't know if I can even get into it. I just felt visceral devastation and was hurtled into strong memories about people in my own life who died prematurely. (Suicide but not only suicide.) The way the last scene ended felt like--immediate tears just pulled from my eyes without me even realizing what was happening. And God, the way Tom-in-the-flashback calls her a "soppy cunt" (I think?) and we realize Áine used those exact words to jokingly refer to Richard's previous girlfriend who was a human rights lawyer? GOD.

While Áine and Shona don't really engage with each other in the same way my sister and I do, my sister and I are also really, really close and I'm the older sister and watching this show always gives me a lot of emotions about siblings. This is actually part of why the rapid scene cuts and feeling that they both were leaving so much unarticulated stressed me out. Áine nails it at the end when Shona has finally told her about Charlotte and she says Shona needs to tell her more, but I wanted to SEE that conversation happen. I wanted to FEEL Áine's reaction, because Áine's reaction matters more than Vish's or their mother's or anyone else's. It was frustrating!

I dunno, y'all. I really love this show. I think it is exactly what it wants to be. I could not tell you today if I will ever rewatch it even though I (think I) still consider it a favorite. I honor and respect the fundamental messiness and pain and hilarity of this show. What a wild experience.

#this way up #this way up spoilers #meta by me #cw suicide #about me #this is all over the place but then again I am all over the place

[traumatictouch]

tomura & stain

we all know stain was a major influence on tomura and his character development early in the series, so id like to take a closer look at why stain was so important to tomura (and why i sincerely believe tomura had an implicitly-canon crush on him.)

this is actually pretty glaring when you watch all of tomura's season 2 scenes all together. i think the reason it slipped by so many people (including me) is because the villains side of the story was so broken up by the sports festival and kids internships. (and, tomura was a relatively new character to the audience at the time - we didn't know yet that that is very much not how tomura behaves around most people.)

and before i get started, i just wanna say that this post isnt about shipping, i just think this is an overlooked part of tomuras character. i also need to establish this reading of their dynamic to further support another meta post i’m planning on writing in the future regarding tomura and afo.

I'll link a season 2 tomura compilation video in the notes so you can see what im talking about yourselves, but for now, here are my impressions. (all white subtitles in screenshots are tomura’s dialogue.)

we start with tomura admiring stain from pictures and videos. like… his eyes are literally sparkling. pretty sure he's never looked at anyone except afo with so much non-hostile intensity and interest.

ive talked a little bit about this before, but i get the feeling that tomura just genuinely doesnt expect to be understood by anyone at all. not civilains, not other villains, and certainly not heroes. since all tomura really knew about stain and his motivations at this point was that he was "the hero killer", he probably thought he'd finally found another person who shared his hatred for hero society with the same passion - someone who could understand him. no wonder he was so excited.

when face-to-face, tomura openly admits stain has more experience than him, and calls him “dai-senpai” (translated as “sir” below); this is used for people who have MUCH more experience than you in your field. starting strong with the flattery! (esp considering im pretty sure they both have roughly the same amount of experience, technically.)

(also, aren’t most crushes in these shows directed towards someones “senpai”?)

when he makes a truly terrible first impression and gets stabbed for his efforts, tomura just... laughs awkwardly. tomura has a general tendency to smile and laugh when hes in pain, but the sheer nervous awkwardness of it is what makes it significant here. i dont think he would have responded this way if it had been, say, dabi or toga who attacked him during recruiting instead.

when stain rejects his offer and monologues about why he doesnt like people like tomura, tomura responds in a clearly offended and hurt way. in other, similar encounters throughout the manga, tomura is much more level-headed than he is here. i dont think hes ever taken someones opinion of him so hard at any other point in the series, which is pretty notable considering the sheer amount of other times he gets insulted to his face.

...and yet, he remains civil during their conversation on the rooftops afterwards, even when stain makes another dig at him. (also, correct me if im wrong, but is the first line below not literally a romance trope...?)

after stain leaves (and only after,) tomura starts poking fun at him, despite having been the one to try to recruit him in the first place. makes sense that he's trying to point out all his 'flaws', sort of like hes trying to talk himself out of his previous admiration for him after being so thoroughly rejected. and, considering tomura had to later question how he and stain were different at all, these criticisms seem a little bit hollow in hindsight.

coping with heartbreak by seeking (indirect!) revenge. of course his idea of revenge involves making stain feel like everyone has forgotten about him. acting like you were never interested in someone is a pretty common trope for this kind of thing, isnt it? that they meant so little to you (or anyone else) that you dont even remember the rejection! and of course, tomuras trying to make stain feel as humiliated as he did.

also worth mentioning: i think this is the only time where tomura wanted to end up in the news for a reason unrelated to making people question justice and hero society. releasing the nomus didn't seem to be about making people doubt the heroes ability to protect, it was just to outshine stain.

tomura isn't really the kind of person who… gets that worked up over losses? So the fact that hes so agitated about it is significant. even at usj when he lashed out at kurogiri for letting iida escape, he pretty quickly bounced back and accepted that they had to retreat for the time being. still, it must hurt seeing the guy who so harshly rejected you get talked about nonstop, especially in a positive light.

(honey, you're the one hung up on stain.)

This leads to - as user palbabor-writes pointed out in her character analysis of tomura - tomura's worst outburst in the series. isnt it interesting that stain was responsible for that, in a character who is otherwise relatively calm and collected? that suggests some pretty strong feelings attached.

of course, losing his nomus and being insulted by some strangers certainly lended to that outburst, but those were both just salt in the wound that stain had already created.

then he literally dons his Sadness Hoodie (seriously, we only see him wear it while sulking at the mall and after afo is arrested) and goes off to wonder why he and stain were too different to work out. and he lingers on that for a long time. why were they too different? what went wrong? why didn't stain accept him?

this doesnt just seem to be about how society perceives the two of them, because the thoughts are "directed" at stain, rather than society as a whole. he wants to understand it from stain's perspective before anyone elses. (plus, everyone thought stain was a part of the LoV, so as far as society is concerned, he and stain are the same.)

...and hes so torn up about this that he goes as far as venting to and consulting a teenager on the matter.

i don't know. romantic feelings and tropes in media aren't my strong suit, but i hope you understand what im getting at!!

like i said at the beginning, i'll reblog this with a link to the season 2 tomura comp so you can kind of see it for yourselves. theres also some things from supplemental material for bnha that further supports this theory, but since thats only dubious canon, i'll put those in a follow-up post!

#tomura shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #tenko shimura #akaguro chizome #stain bnha #bnha #boku no hero academia #long post #ooc #meta #please be nice im kind of embarrassed to post this LMAO

[equalseleventhirds]

i said i wouldn't write it but i did

vaguely a sequel to this, but far in the future and focused on jon (annabelle features briefly tho. she's fine. annabelle will always be fine in my fics.) with ofc the presupposition that they've failed in one world but kept trying, bcos i think that would be fun*!

*(by which i mean heartbreaking, i'm so sorry)

There are rules, to the traveling, or at least there seem to be. There are certainly questions to be asked and points to be made, about how many instances count as a definitive rule rather than simply a pattern. But Jon likes to think of them as rules. He's always preferred concrete answers, even if it turns out they're less the truth and more just a convenient way of conceptualizing things.

So he has rules.

First: the Fears always come through on the same day. October 18, 2018. Or, given the impact history has on calendars, the equivalent of it; he'd once spent months trying to correlate the forty-third moon of cycle 1852 with his calendar just to prove his point, but the math had all worked out.

(Which does indicate, at least to Jon, that yes, the Fears probably did originate in his home world, Georgie. He'll take his petty wins where he can get them. For as long as he can remember the discussion, and the people, he's proving wrong.)

Second, it is still his tapes that the Fears follow. For every apocalypse there has been a new catalyst, but none of these new rituals supersede his. Maybe it's a testament to the strength of the Web's original plan, or maybe it's just something about Jon himself. He knows what he thinks, but... well, there isn't enough proof just yet.

Third, in spite of endless attempts to trap them and stop them, Jon is always able to travel with the Fears. Perhaps they simply can't stop him, as the original antichrist he apparently is; dozens of apocalypses in dozens of different universes, and Jon can always feel his rightful place as ruler of that terrible fearscape calling to him. He hasn't taken it yet, but it's there, and the Eye cannot abandon its true pupil without his permission.

Or perhaps they simply don't care. Every attempt so far has led to the exact same result, after all: another world left behind, another death by starvation averted, another new feast for the Fears to sink their teeth into.

Fourth, he always passes out upon entering a new world.

It's kind of annoying.

---

It is slightly unusual for him to wake up warm, comfortable, and covered in a blanket, but Jon's not about to complain. It's nice. He doesn't get a lot of comfort, and he likes sleeping in a bed, especially since he's always eldritch-nightmare-free in a new world. For a limited time only, of course.

He's fairly certain he's inside; aside from the softness underneath and around him, the air is still and temperate, the light through his eyelids is artificial, and all he can hear is the faint whirring of appliances and the whispers of two muted voices.

"—complete stranger, definitely dangerous, looks like he's from hell—"

"Okay, fine, but I wasn't going to leave him, and anyway haven't you noticed he's a bit—"

"A bit what? Scarred? Bloodstained? Glowing eyes, because I don't think I need to remind you, Martin, his eyes were absolutely glowing when you found him—"

Martin. Now there's a name. Not an uncommon one, but... he thinks he knows that voice.

Or. Well. He might know both of those voices, actually, which is even more interesting than waking up in a bed.

Jon opens his eyes.

He's met himself before, is the thing. Not in every world, and not always particularly recognizable, but he's met himself. He's met versions of Martin, too, and eventually stopped going completely useless with heartbreak every time. The merest handful of times, he's found both of them in the same world, sometimes something almost like friends, but usually not.

The fact that they have their arms around each other, casual, comfortable, close, is both entirely unexpected and perfectly, wonderfully, terribly familiar. Jon briefly considers crying about it, but there are more important things to be doing. For example.

"The glowing eyes aren't actually that sinister. I mean, they are, but not for the reasons you're probably thinking."

Jon—the other Jon—jumps at the sound of his voice, then leans forward. Curiosity, of course; that hardly ever seems to change. "You—the glowing—who are you?"

"Jon," this new version of Martin scolds, and for just a moment he's back home, with his Martin, with that exasperated tone—but no, this isn't his Martin, and he's also leaning forward now, his voice turning gentle. Concerned. Coaxing, like he's a spooked animal, and Jon doesn't think his Martin has ever talked to him that way. "How are you feeling? We found you unconscious in the street."

He can feel Martin's curiosity too, pushing forward under his concern, just as questioning as Jon but too polite to outright say it yet. He has to cut this off, or he really will cry.

"Mm... no," he says. "Well, yes. But also." Good lord, he's confusing them. Par for the course, but he should probably try to be somewhat comprehensible.

He holds up a hand, extending one finger. "I am... fine. More or less. Trust me, I'm used to this, and this isn't even the worst way it's happened." Another finger joins the first. "My name, as I believe Martin has guessed but then dismissed, is Jonathan Sims. I am not you from the future, nor am I lying, nor am I crazy, because—" a third finger "—interdimensional travel is not only possible, it has happened, is happening, because of and along with terrible monstrosities I am determined to stop, and I have explained this too many times to too many people to have much patience for anyone being shocked and disbelieving, much less a version of myself doing so, so you can either get over it and move on or I can go elsewhere and do something useful."

"Excuse—"

"And," he continues, pushing himself up so he can sit and lean forward even more intensely than his counterpart, "I would actually rather not do that just yet, because I have an extremely pressing question for the two of you."

"Um," Martin says, and "What," says the other Jon.

"How," Jon asks, deepening his voice to exude solemn, ominous, and eldritchly important, "did you two start dating?"

---

It was so... normal. Apparently. Two people, mutual friends, a chance encounter. A prickly exterior ("He hated me," both of them had claimed), but without the insecurity of being Head Archivist and the fear of dread powers beyond his comprehension, their friends had helped him open up and—eventually—apologise. A budding friendship, and then a romance, and then...

It isn't a version of them Jon has seen anywhere else, in any of the worlds he's traveled to. Normal as it is, it's a highly improbably scenario, and certainly not the same as his relationship with his Martin had been. But it was, in an infinite number of worlds, still a possibility.

Jon isn't quite sure how he feels about that, knowing that some version of them could have fallen in love without the trauma, but that they hadn't managed it.

His hands aren't shaking, as he lights his cigarette. At least there's that.

"I quit, you know," his counterpart says from behind him. "Years ago. I'd forgotten about those until you asked."

"Well then, thank you for indulging me." He gestures, meaning the cigarette, meaning the bed, meaning his claims about reality, meaning his intrusive, gossipy questioning. Meaning everything. He's not sure it gets across.

The other Jon laughs, quietly, and moves to stand next to him. "I am my worst enabler."

"Oh, that's hardly true."

"Mm." They're silent together for a while, but Jon is restless (both of him), and eventually this reality's version opens his mouth to ask. "Do you—do you know why I—I don't want to say believed you, I'm still not sure I do, b-but, didn't throw you out immediately?"

"My myriad charms?" They both laugh at that.

"Jonathan Sims," he says, as if that explains anything.

Jon takes a drag of his cigarette, considering. He could probably Know, but... indulging himself. "What about me?"

"No, not you, or. You know. You. But your name. Jonathan Sims. I decided you weren't, weren't a deliberate lie to trick me, or a future version of myself, or a mind-reading monster—"

"Well—"

"—when you said your name, because none of those things would have said that." He smiles then and holds up a hand, and—oh—his ring glints. "I've been Jonathan Blackwood for a while now."

They'd told him married eventually, but he hadn't even thought about his name. He's certainly thinking about it now. "Jonathan Blackwood," he says, soft, to himself. And to himself. "That... that sounds good."

"It does, doesn't it."

Whatever they might have said next is lost as an incredibly loud engine roars nearby and a sleek black motorcycle pulls up in front of them. Jon sighs and takes one last drag of his cigarette as the rider removes her helmet.

"Been off finding yourself, then, Jon?" Annabelle asks.

"Oh, extremely funny, yes. Did you steal that?"

"It was a gift."

"Of course it was."

The other Jon is staring at them both, his eyes repeatedly drifting back to the web-covered hole in Annabelle's head. "Who—what is—is that a—"

"She's a spider monster," Jon supplies helpfully. "She came with me, although apparently she did not pass out in the street this time."

"Two streets over, I think. Pity, I would've loved a nice nap in a proper bed, but I did get this motorcycle out of it. Come on, Jon, you can mope on the way."

"I have not been moping—"

"Haven't you? You're not the one who deals with how maudlin you get every time you meet yourself—"

"Yes, fine, thank you, we can go." He stubs out the cigarette and pauses, looking at himself. "Uh. Tell Martin—well, goodbye, I guess. I'd say I hope we meet again, but if you're lucky we won't need to?"

"...sure."

"And I'm—I hope you—that is, I'll do my best—well." He sighs. "Things are about to get... dicey, for the world in general. But just, look out for each other, and we'll try to handle the rest."

"Jon, we should be going."

"Yes, all right, all right." He gives himself one last, probably not very reassuring smile, and climbs on behind Annabelle.

They do have work to do, after all.

#fanfiction #algie writes things #many thoughts head full........... #i am so many theorizing. u kno how it is. #uhhhh so the TINIEST spoilers for the most recent episode? idk #tma spoilers #once again just TINY ones not actually plot ones #at least not that we didn't already get from annabelle's big explanation episode #jm #but also it's complicated #u kno #jon has bittersweet conversations & thoughts and annabelle gets a motorcycle #it's what each of them needs i think