I’ve had this gut feeling that someone has been putting some serious evil eye on me (for lack of a better word - just really bad energy my way) and I got my third tarot reading confirming it today on top of a “hey by the way you’re approaching a tower and 10 of swords moment” -
like 🥲 why is it so hard for me to just exist in peace. I just want to pick flowers and pet my cats
Maybe life's "tower moments"* and the "decapitation of one's various masks and egos"† don't all have to have such a destructive connotation. Perhaps change doesn't always have to be so tumultuous.
I just had my weekly therapy session. My goals for the week (and life) are to be more gentle with myself and gently (not violently) dismantle my old beliefs and limitations.
I have often told people, almost sheepishly and in a self-degrading (but annoyingly self-aware and knowing) way, that I'm aggressively trying to heal even when I know it's not a race or anything of the sort. But it is tough for me personally not to just *do the thing* when I've tried my whole life to reach benchmark after benchmark of various constructs of "success."
It's not that I always try to rush or impulsively try to change my life.
It's just that when I'm finally feeling somewhat settled in my way of life, I realize that there is something terribly wrong, and all of a sudden, everything crumbles. And later, I know it was meant to crumble, and I'm much better for it.
Life has always been such a series of enormous upheavals, and I crave peace, fun, joy, intimacy, and fulfillment.
--
I keep asking myself: how do I get there? Where am I even going? Why do I keep rebuilding the tower repeatedly, only for it to fall? Am I only using bricks that are comfortable - then where should I get the new bricks (no, really, where the fuck should I get the new bricks?! Out of my ass?!)
--
Lately, I've been hypervigilant, trying to prevent myself from getting to the point of crumbling - which I'm realizing is perhaps an even more violent way to approach my life.
Because hypervigilance keeps me stagnant.
Not surrendering to life's ebbs and flows keeps me stagnant, like an unmovable, stubborn rock.
--
It's not that I have to be in control of everything and ALWAYS experience calamity to grow.
Experiencing turbulence may be necessary if I remain... an unmovable, stubborn rock.
But what if I became a pebble?
A pebble that contains multitudes of lessons within it, takes action when necessary, but ultimately allows itself to be carried into whatever life has in store for it?
--
Footnotes:
* referring to the "Tower" card in the Smith-Waite/Rider-Waite tarot deck, a card that looks violent (and it is violent) but is actually a sign of rebuilding your foundations (rebuilding your new "tower" so to speak) because the old one wasn't supporting your life anymore - it is a sign of growth
† referring to the garland of heads that Kali Ma wears around her neck, which may symbolize (for some) the shedding of ego, masks, delusions, and constructs that we go through to emerge as our authentic selves (I love her so much: Jai Kali Ma)
ChatGPT is surprisingly solid in terms of standard Tarot interpretation. Nothing groundbreaking, but as far as a novel reading from an AI, I'm very impressed.
My attempts to make the reading style tropey and engaging have been partly successful, though getting the bot to deliver poor grammar or idiomatic speech is difficult.
Here is my best generated reading so far!
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Querent: Please interpret a tarot card for me in the style of a dramatic, old fashioned fortune teller. Write it in broken English as of it is your third or fourth language.
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ChatGPT: Ah, the Tarot. A ancient and mystical tool of divination, a way to gaze into the shadows of the future and see what lies ahead. And the card you have drawn... The Tower.
Oh dear, oh dear. This is not a card to be taken lightly. The Tower represents upheaval, chaos, and sudden change. It warns of a great upheaval that will shake your foundations to their very core.
But fear not, for this change may also bring about great opportunity. The Tower is a symbol of rebirth, of a new beginning rising from the ashes of the old. It may be difficult, but you must embrace the chaos and ride the waves of change, for they will lead you to a new and brighter future.
But beware, for the Tower also carries a warning. It speaks of ego, of pride and hubris. Do not let your own ego bring about your downfall. Remember, all things must come to an end, and it is better to let go gracefully than to cling on to what no longer serves you.
So take this card to heart, dear one. Embrace the change that is coming, and let go of what no longer serves you. The future may be uncertain, but with courage and wisdom, you will weather the storm and emerge stronger on the other side.
My life has been a series of tower moments, but one particular tower moment synchronized perfectly with finding this literal tower, under a gorgeous starlit sky. June 2022.
Most often these moments are personal and sacred.
Sometimes tower moments are meant to be shared though and sometimes you’re just the Rapunzel in a tower moment, that simply needs to let her hair down.
I know he’s in a tower moment rn, dealing with so much in his life. I always seem to come into men’s lives when they be going through some shit. Still, it hurts he left like he did. I guess the idea of dating me was just one more burden for him.
Here is the secret:
eventually, the ache stops,
the devastation quickens
and then slows,
the anger arrives
righteous and in want of a reckoning,
and then, it turns back to shadow,
suddenly,
as if had not been burning
a moment before,
and in that empty space,
there is quiet,
and in that quiet,
there is relief,
like cool water
from a soft stream, your heart
is no longer howling,
and the pieces of the past
all around you
no longer feel like destruction,
but a fresh start, flowers
growing out of the cracks,
a bright song of possibility,
and you know you survived it,
the worst thing,
the impossible thing,
the heartbreak
All the cards so far in my Sarah J Maas books tarot card series. I definitely wanna continue these, especially with the new book release. (no spoilers pls I won’t be able to read it for a while)