#I'm gonna go leave the server and then go to bed and feel like shit I guess

[gurugirl]

Okay, hear me out… stepdad!harry and y/n on vacation. Y/n gets jealous of her mom and Harry, but Harry likes seeing her all jealous and needy so he plays it out for a bit. But eventually he gives into her and is all sweet and reassures her that he only wants her 😖😫🤧🫶🏻

Also, I’m literally obsessed w your writing 💛

A/n: Vacation stepdad Harry! Hope you enjoy! Also, not sure who made the shit edited pic of Harry I used, but - eh, thanks? 2.1k words

Warning: Smut (oral f receiving), some light angst and jealousy - NOT PROOFREAD - this is stepdad!harry x stepdaughter!reader and they have a totally inappropriate relationship - do not read if you're not into it :)

stepdad!harry masterlist

You were dreading a vacation for the first time ever in your life. Because this time, it meant you'd be with your mom and Harry together nonstop. You'd have to watch them together, and at the end of the day he'd be going to their room for the night, not yours.

Your mom booked two rooms at the resort where you were staying. The rooms were not adjoined, which you were thankful for. Even on the flight you sat apart from them. By yourself, next to an old woman who snored the entire time. And that wasn't so bad to be honest. At least she wasn't trying to talk your ear off.

The resort was gorgeous with pool areas, a night club, a few restaurants and the beach which allowed you access to the ocean was all right there. Your room was basic but the bed was comfortable and you had a good view from your tiny balcony.

When you met up with your mom and Harry at the seafood restaurant they were already there, looking cozy and sweet together. You thought you'd throw up. You knew Harry was putting on an act. He'd told you over and over again what to expect. He admitted to you the way he felt for you and that nothing could compare to his feelings for you. That gave you solace. But it was still a hard pill to swallow seeing them flirty and touchy.

You could barely eat your meal. You tried not noticing the way your mom kept touching Harry's arm and the way Harry responded by touching her back. You hated the way he'd whisper into her ear and it'd send her laughing loudly. She was quite a bit drunk by the time the server had cleared your table and you all were ready to leave.

"Let's go to the pool together and enjoy some sun!" Your mom spoke as she grabbed Harry's hand and pulled at him.

"Nah. I'm just gonna go and walk around the resort. See what's around," you spoke and saw Harry frown at you. Your mom let out a strange wet gasp, "No, come with us, Yn! Don't be a party pooper!"

You rolled your eyes and chose not to respond. But you did concede and follow them both to the adult's only pool.

You found a chair and and slid your dress off, draping it over the back of the seat and laid yourself over the cushions wearing your cute little green bikini that you hoped would have Harry looking.

And it did. Harry noticed your little swimsuit. He also noticed other people noticing. He didn't like that but he couldn't do anything about it. He and your mom laid next to one another and held hands. Harry kind of liked watching you get jealous of him. He liked that you were fuming. It might have been mean, but he knew that you were aware of his feelings. He had warned you beforehand. But it was kind of cute to watch you get all huffy with him. He'd take care of that later.

After another few rounds of cocktails your mother had hit her limit. Harry helped her back to her room and you assisted. She was slurring and kissing all over Harry's neck, "Just need to sleep it off and then I'm gonna suck your big dick so good baby..." your mom spoke and you nearly gagged and vomited all over her.

Harry just laughed, "Sounds good. Can't wait."

He knew she was going to be out and would never remember saying that, especially since she said it right in front of you. Yeah, she was quite intoxicated. She'd be out for the rest of the night.

Once you and Harry got your mom into her room you excused yourself so Harry could help her change and tuck her into bed. Before you could open the door Harry put his palm on the frame and turned you toward him, "Stop being a brat. I'll see you in fifteen minutes in your room."

You yanked your arm away from him and narrowed your eyes at him, "No you won't. I'm not going to my room. You can stay here and let my mom suck your cock for all I care."

You were pissed and Harry only smiled at you, making you even more mad, "Go to your room. If you aren't there in fifteen minutes I'll come find you and drag you back there."

You left and stomped your way down the hall. You hated the predicament you were in. It never got easier.

But you did go to your room because deep down you knew what Harry was doing was for your mom's sake. She couldn't know about you two or it would end in disaster.

You stripped out of your bikini and put on a robe from the hotel and opened up the door to the balcony to let in a breeze. You were already feeling better.

Just as promised, fifteen minutes later, Harry was knocking at your door. You put on your angry face and swung the door open ready to argue and pout and make him feel sorry for you having to put up with him and your mom being lovey-dovey. But when you took him in you nearly melted and lost all the resolve you had to be angry with him. He was holding a small bouquet of flowers and had a bottle of white wine in the other hand.

He stepped into your room and handed you the flowers and then pushed you backwards, closing the door behind him, cocky smile on his face. He continued walking you backwards with the bottle of wine in one hand and the other cupping your face. His eyes were soft and he his lopsided grin was cute but you wanted to slap him. And then kiss him.

"Baby, don't be angry. I know you want to be but we talked about this," he set the bottle of wine down on the cabinet and then cupped the other side of your face with his newly free hand. He still walked you backward until you were against the bed. He gently nudged you back to sitting and then removed his shoes before grabbing you by your waist and moving you deeper into the bed, pushing you toward the pillows as he climbed over you and then untied your robe.

You let him open up the thick cotton and expose your naked body underneath. Harry smoothed his hands from your tummy up to your breasts and then leaned over you to place a small kiss at each nipple.

He looked up at you with innocent eyes, "You know I love you. Right? More than anything or anyone." He continued kissing over your breasts and you were quickly coming undone. Harry let his lips trail down to your sternum and lower toward your belly. His soft lips covered every inch of your skin as you remained silent still being a little stubborn.

Harry chuckled against your hip bone and then looked up at you, his light green eyes looking hungry and desperate, "I mean it. Please. You're all I want. All I can think of anymore. Don't be mad."

With his eyes still on you he brought his lips back to your hip bone before lowering to you pelvis and then like magic, the moment his mouth met your labia and then his tongue licked inside and found your clit you sighed and couldn't stop the smile from taking over your features.

"There she is. There's my good girl. Want your pussy licked baby? I'll show you how you're the only one I want. The only one I need."

You moaned and nodded at Harry and you saw him smile before delving in and covering your pussy with his mouth. Harry kept his eyes on you as he licked upward and stroked your clit, getting you all slippery and whiny until he knew you were ready for his fingers.

"No one does this to you but me," he said in a deep voice as he pushed his middle finger into your entrance and began stroking upward and then in and out. He put his mouth back over you, using his tongue to dance around your clit and it drove you crazy. You needed more pressure and he knew it, but he loved driving you crazy.

He added a second a finger and his fingers moved a little quicker as started to suck on your clit using his tongue to massage and encase your sensitive bud.

You put your hands into his hair and began to pull when you spread your legs further apart to give him as much access as he needed. You closed your eyes when his slurping and fingering felt like a warm zipper coming undone on your flesh. You groaned.

Harry used his free hand to pinch your thigh and you popped your eyes back open to look down at him with heaving breaths.

Harry lifted his mouth to speak to you, his lips grazing your pussy as he spoke his words, "Keep your eyes on Daddy. Want you looking at me when you come."

So you did your best. He always wanted you to watch when he ate you out. The way his tongue worked you, his lips sucked at you, his fingers fucked into you... and the sound of him slurping your cunt.

You began to moan in high, breathy noises. Harry's cheeks were shiny with you. He kept his eyes on yours as he continued his attack on your pussy and with his free hand he began to hold you down as you started to buck upward when you felt your end bubbling out.

"Daddy... oh my god!" Your words were moans and your ears began to ring as you struggled to keep your eyes open and on Harry's.

"Come on baby. Come on my face... come in Daddy's mouth," Harry grunted his words out and you noticed that he was gently rocking himself into the bed as he was working you to your end.

"Fffuuck!" You yelped as you released and fluttered your eyes closed for only a second before you felt Harry pinching at you again and you peeled your lids open and watched Harry as he continued licking and sucking with his fingers inside of you as you came. You moaned nonsense words and high pitched breaths as he at you out until you were so sensitive you were trying to push at his head but he had a vice grip on you and he didn't let up.

Harry's mouth was still eating away at your pussy and you squeezed your eyes closed, "Harry! Please!" you gasped your words as he licked over you clit, up and down, side to side. He slide a third finger inside of you and you opened your eyes and craned your neck to watch.

You began to feel your second orgasm wind around your insides as Harry's tongue didn't stop swiping over you. Everything was so wet and slick on your pussy with your own arousal and the spit Harry was using on you as he smoothed his mouth up and down.

The moment your second orgasm hit you felt like you were levitating. Harry had three fingers inside of you, knuckles deep as he sucked you in. He held you down and you writhed as you whined and moaned his name.

Harry laughed as you quivered and tears fell from your face. He knew he'd overstimulated you but he loved watching you struggle and come over and over again.

When you came down and your breathing was still a bit hard Harry lifted his face and began taking his clothes off. You watched him from your prone position with a smile of relief on your face.

Harry's dick was plumped and leaking at the tip already when he grabbed your thighs and dragged you to pull you closer.

"Daddy needs to come inside his baby now. Show you how much I love you. Fill you up with my come."

You were already so fucked out and you hadn't even technically been fucked but you nodded with a smile and Harry leaned down to kiss your mouth, he tasted like you.

He put his hands into your hair and gently smoothed it back. He looked at you for a moment with the soft eyes you loved so much. You loved it when he looked at you like this. It spoke everything to you that you wanted to know.

"Okay? Can I make love you to you now, baby? Want Daddy's cock?" Harry's lips were wet with you and his irises nearly completely covered by his pupils.

"Yes. Fuck me daddy. Make love to me."

Feedback/Thoughts | Support Me | Main Masterlist

Thank you for reading! I appreciate any support so remember to comment, reblog, & like 💕

Tags: @victoria-styles @michellekstyles @ssaama @angelqueen99 @sombrioinvernoemveneza @golden-hoax @a-strange-familiar @reveriehs @yousunshineyoutempter @the-gardener-31 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @swiftmendeshoran @luvonstyles @dancinsunflowerkiwi @tiaamberxx @lukesaprince @harrys-foxy @dirtytissuebox @closureesny @lhharrylilpumpkin @evelynlarue @chaptersleftunwritten @ky-harlow-bieber @angel-akxo @flowerfeastrry @anothermannharry

#harry styles smut #harry styles #stepdadrry #stepdad!harry #stepdaughter!reader #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #firstpost

[bayleaf-2]

Drew some art of the progression of Lyra's feelings about Ioun

But it's like 11 PM and I should sleep so I'm gonna post the art and make barebones captions/context, go to bed, and might just remake the post if i wake up, look at it, and go "voci. voci...voci thats not enough buddy"

With that in mind!

This is when Ioun apologized to Lyra after they were resurrected (they died in the Zehir fight) and (in my mind) the start of Lyra having. A closer relationship with her, or seeing her as more than just. (Because we legally cannot call Ioun our boss) the person in charge, hense why it's labeled "beginning." Their thoughts in that moment are general feelings of appreciation, surprise, and relief. Debated putting warmth in there as well. Probably too soon. Maybe. Idk!

Transcript: Lyra's dialogue reads "Tough!" which is what they said to the goddess of prosperity trying to offer them deals. Description reads "Loyalty to Ioun after she apologized."

Ioun apologizing combined with Emily inviting Lyra to stay with her once all of this was over (AUUUUUUUGH) pulled Lyra out of their mortality crisis, hence the design change! They're wearing old (aka Elion's) earrings and actually put effort into styling their hair :)

Transcript of the bottom one: Nerd <3 "I love her" (Connotation: I just think Ioun's neat :) ) "I need to apologize to her if we fail"

Nerd refers to this being the time where Lyra starts researching and interacting with the library. "I just think she's neat" is a reference to that one Marge meme. Point being the "I love her" is a casual declaration with no deeper feelings attached. "I need to apologize to her if we fail" is referencing this:

Now a disclaimer on that: I wrote that months ago and while the og idea still holds in that I was planning on doing it, I would absolutely tweak the wording now. Also that's from my writing server so the wording is mostly for me. in terms of what "today" and "everyone else didnt follow orders" means I think that was the Tiamat fight? Timing indicates it's Tiamat. I do not know what "orders" past Voci is referencing. It might be the deals thing. ANYWAY!!

General summary for that point: Closer but still not quite friends. That being said Lyra's more cheery around Ioun and seeking out talking to her just cause.

Transcript: Lyra thinking to themself "God I love her she's so cool" Description reads "Whale convo, which is almost directly post Vecna" (So Lyra is thinking that as Ioun's talking to them) and then the bottom one starts with "After Ioun leaves and they're just thinking" Lyra's thought reads "...Oh." with the description "Means [I love her] in a different way than before"

Squish! :) Congrats lil guy! You love her and now you gotta hide your feelings so you don't pressure her because that'd be really fucked up of you! Yeah that includes your thoughts! Good luck suppressing those! (HE FAILS. HE SLIPS UP SO MUCH I'M DYING TO TAKE PROPER NOTES ABOUT THAT SHIT YOU HAVE NO IDEA)

"Voci why is the 4th heart in the scale grey instead of black in the top one" Uhhh I'm not sure. I think it has to do with Lyra not really knowing what their feelings are?? Like it's vague and then once they're actually reflecting on it, they realize it's something more than just thinking Ioun's neat. Btw it's not clear in this shitty photo but Lyra is blushing.

Transcript: Ioun saying "I do care, by the way." Lyra verbally keysmashing in response, which is cut off by the tiny tiny page. Description reads "right after the trial".

We had a trial where Emily was trying to make a case about the wording of the curse so we wouldn't have to kill her and only temporarily banish her (and Ioun. And possibly the Raven Queen. And anyone else who ascended) outside of reality. It was a really formal court though so everyone was in like. Proper boring formal wear and Lyra went the safe route of going in a suit yes I know that collar looks scribbly I was drawing in front of a campfire okay

I??? This is hard to describe, but by this point, Lyra's feelings are deeper, like they weren't...flustered by Ioun before, at least not to the same extent, and now they are, if that makes sense. I hesitate to say their feelings got? Deeper or more intense, because the timing makes this extremely fucky. And also feels like I'm in the danger zone in terms of possibly using aphobic wording. So I'm just gonna hold off for now.

And there's another art I drew of. The dream conversation where Ioun and Lyra ended up holding hands for an enTIRE FUCKING HOUR but it wasn't finished and I think? That moment kind of speaks for itself? So I'll just. Leave that there and sleep now gn <3

Again apologies if huge chunks of this don't make sense this is one of those moments where the hyperfixation is just Taking the God Damn Reins and I Have To Show People This

#sometimes I look at my own posts and i go 'you are a fucking madman' (affectionate) #this is one of those moments #it is 11 40 pm and i am ffferal #haha its 11 52 now motherfuckre #hahaeuhfkjhfdjshdskslasdcmsm #cee codes #<- because I did this as part of the. Coding project for both the relationship tab and the Adventure Log tab #Also not sure if its clear but Lyra having a slightly different hairstyle in the 'Tough!' panel than the rest of the ones after it #*is* intentional #uhhhh BED. bedtime. bedtime for me (is probably going to keep writing anyway) #holy shit this plant grew a mouth #c: dnd related #lyra #OH GOD. SEHANINE. THE SHIP CRASH #YEAH THAT #I SHOULD. FUCKING. UH. MAKE A NOTE OF HOW *THAT* AFFECTS THINGS #HM #BED. BED FOR ME. GODS.

[vanosslirious]

BBS Dialogue Prompts #228

BBS IRL Names & Alias Prompts and Sentence Starters: [ 8 ]

TERRORISER

Oh, thanks Delirious.

I'm not falling for it, Brock.

It was fucking Fourzer0, he wasn't a bad boy.

When Wildcat's being nice to me, don't take it at face value.

Where the fuck is Vanoss by the way?

Is it Nogla, good! I mean, what happened?

Okay, Delirious saying weird shit on the camera.

Scotty, did he go North?

Vanoss in first place, gotta take him out.

What did you get, Brock?

MOO

Nogla just died.

Don't hit him, Brian.

Nogla crying.

Evan screwed me right off the bat.

Get in, Evan.

Stop, Evan, dude, you're being a real dick, Evan.

Can you get in, Evan, and shine the light on me.

I didn't know Nogla was in this server.

Marcel, I'm sorry, I lied to you.

Evan, I always wanted to know, how does it feel to have Marcel inside you?

NOGLA

Vanoss is so far ahead, dude, he just never shoots unless he's a 100% sure.

Now, where do you think people will go, Wildcat?

Well, we actually did that to Tyler.

There's someone next to me, Brian.

My aim was pretty bad there, Brian.

Brian, we're miles away from each other.

We're talking too much about Vanoss and got distracted.

Oh, I hear you shooting, Brian.

Did you get him, Brian?

I don't feel good about this, Brian, I don't feel good one bit.

VANOSSGAMING

Delirious, it's not there.

Brian, get your ass back there.

You're not going to miss it this time, Brian.

Oh, fuck sakes, Delirious.

You bitch, Brian, you did it.

Oh, Brian, have you tried the swing set?

Brock, did you bring a bathing suit? Don't ask why, I'm just curious.

It was Nogla's idea to leave you, by the way.

We got a letter from Delirious…well, I guess I got a letter.

By the way, Moo went to bed three hours ago.

SMII7Y

Fl0m, you are my mood.

This is Fl0m's fault.

No, Nogla, no one is saying, stop you!

Eli, do you even know where we're going?

You surely have one rock, Fl0m.

Eli, what is this?

Eli, I'm gonna be honest, this seems like a waste of time.

Evan, what's your color scheme again?

You really set the bar high, didn't you, John?

John, you already fucked up.

H2ODELIRIOUS

What are you doing, Bryce.

Watch out, Bryce.

I don't think it's Vanoss.

Terroriser, what are you doing?

Terroriser, come with me, please.

Wait, why did you say Terroriser?

I was with Vanoss this whole time, Vanoss did you see Terroriser?

Terroriser, are you alive?

Okay, we lost Terroriser.

I don't know, where's Terroriser?

GRIZZY

I'm gonna let Matt win.

Matt's going to fucking win.

Right around the truck, Puffer.

Yeah, I hate this game, fuck you, Matt.

SMii7y, help.

Where's SMii7y?

SMii7y's literally just running.

Puffer, can't you just drive straight?

You're gonna make a great father, SMii7y.

I thought Matt was broke.

BLARG

Hold on. Grizzy shot me in the fucking skull.

Uh, SMii7y, that looks dangerous.

Puffer, why would you do that?

Puffer, go ahead, start unloading the pages of your bible over there.

Oh, SMii7y's getting his own bible.

Puffer, Puffer, stop!

SMii7y has to consult the archives before he plays his next turn.

Puffer is in a ditch doing a beyblade move.

Puffer, I think I'm joining you against my will.

He's behind you, Grizzy.

#banana bus squad #bbs #banana bus squad prompts #bbs prompts #bbs sentence starters #the terroriser #moo snuckel #daithi de nogla #vanossgaming #smii7y #h2odelirious #grizzy #blargmyschnoople #blarg #prompts #rpf prompts #tw swearing #text #words

[keefwho]

April 10 - 2024 Wednesday

10:53pm

3/10

This morning I shaved my legs. I made more breakfast stir fry for breakfast because it's good. I planned not to stream today because I wasn't in the mood to be watched, especially with how much feedback I was going to get. I tried going to a public VRchat world while I worked but all I found was nazi furries so I got off. I joined BR and her friend in her server VC but she had to leave soon. I stayed with her friend but we hardly talked. I warmed up with alligator sketches today and did all my commission work. I have to finish that commission tomorrow for it to be worth it but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

For lunch I made stew out of the frozen stew veggies I got, it was good. Probably too much food though, breakfast was big because I was supposed to workout today but I took too long with work. In the afternoon, the request winner hadn't gotten back to me yet and the other thing I was supposed to work on was my own ideas. All the ones I have written down are NSFW and I wasn't in the mood for that so I just didn't do anything. I watched a Mario Kart stream and twitch gambled. TK hit me up and asked what I was doing, she said she was getting in VR soon. That sounded great for me so I hopped on and we checked out that Probability Labs world I haven't seen yet. It was just Lab Experiment from Roblox and it was pretty fun but we played in a public lobby where people were using flying avatars which defeat the purpose. Then I took everyone to a bathhouse world where we just talked. We talked about our siblings and religious fanatics. Also some about death. When TK got off, her friend was still there and she stayed talking to me for some time. We talked about what it takes for people to grow mainly. I got off to start dinner.

I asked DS if we'd have our usual hangout time but she was just gonna go to bed instead. I continued watching the Mario stream from earlier and booted up Cities Skylines. DS and I chatted a little bit.

~~~

Today was shit, I've mostly been angry about a lot of things. I don't like that I am, but I am. I'm angry at having to accept this shit reality we live in. I'm angry at my past self for being shit. Im angry at everyone who's ever done me wrong. Today was supposed to be about acceptance and I've been trying my best. I combined that with Costar which said "people want you around." I was trying to accept everyone's role in my life and how I really am wanted to some degree by all of them.

Before I started writing I was especially angry, or maybe moreso a fed-up style of motivated. I feel in touch with what I want and fuck anyone who's going to get in the way of that. I keep becoming aware of things that just aren't working which are things I have to change. When I'm down on myself, doing that can be hard. But in a mood like this, I'm better able to stay focused on what's actually good for me.

#journal #diary

[alpacahat67]

I got wrapped up in a bad case of pneumonia recently. I'm a lot better, of course, I'm at home and warm and safe. However, the reality is dawning on me. I will spare you the details but it wasn't a pretty affair. If I had gone to that band competition or waited longer to go to the doctor there's a chance I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. Either because I'm still in a hospital bed or I passed on.

But it helped me realize... so many things that I've taken advantage of. Because I'm a teenager who thinks I can just go and go and go until I smack a brick wall real hard. And when you're a kid you think you're invincible. And as I was a kid, I was put in the pediatrics unit and it had so much fantastic art. Mosaics mainly. And they were just so lovely to look at and to appreciate the craftsmanship while waiting for the elevator and all these things.

It got me thinking about just art. In general. How a little thing like a mosaic of a deer on a wall can brighten someone's day and change someone's life.

Art has always been a huge part of my life. In many ways. Music, drawing, writing, playing with (and eating) Play-Doh... it's been my whole life. I wouldn't be here without art. A lot of us wouldn't. The world would be very bland without people out there making things just to make them.

And then I was thinking... I have... so many unfinished projects. Or finished things that have never seen the light of day and... just all these writings and drawings and stuff. If I were to die? If I were to leave this world and all that stuff just rots away in a server somewhere? I would hate that. I would hate that my things aren't out there.

It seems pointless. It seems like you're just doodling up your favorite character or... writing a story that you know will waste away in your Google Docs. But what if you do if you spend your whole life creating only to get zero recognition for it? Life is scary. Life is unpredictable. It's the facts. Anything can happen.

And maybe you think it's just a pile of shit and all that... posting a WIP is good enough. It's out there. And one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I want to make people happy with my art and writing and my music. I want to make them think. I want to make a difference in at least one person's life with what I do. Because it's my entire life.

My entire. Life.

Especially marching band, which, to place my point on the "is marching band a spot" argument, I think it can be both. It can be a performance art and a sport. You need physical strength and stamina to do it but you're putting on a show for an audience as well.

And band has brought me so much satisfaction. I was so distraught about having to miss multiple competitions due to pneumonia. It feels invigorating. You work so hard, you train for so long, and even if you do horrible and the audience hates the show, you can walk away feeling good. Because you think you did a good job and, of course, you think your bandmates did too, they're practically your cousins at some point

And, of course, I love drawing and writing. But music? It's different. Hell yes it's nerdy and hell yes I get picked on sometimes for being a band kid. But that band floor has seen so many of my tears and my joys and my... laying on the ground during a 5-minute break during band camp. It's challenging and rewarding.

I took that for granted until I was sitting in a hospital bed watching my tiny little band perform on a national level with all these other big bands. It's amazing to see how far you've come as an individual and a group. It's amazing to watch a show like that on a TV, it's better to watch it in the stands. And it's even better to be on that field performing.

....I got... super off-track there. My point is to keep creating. Do what you love and don't let anyone take that from you. It's gonna feel hopeless. You're gonna feel like you suck. But practice always makes perfect, there's always room to improve. And either way, you're doing great. So post it. Show your family and friends. The worst they could do is make a bad comment. And a bad comment doesn't define your work. Do you like it? Great! It's awesome! You're passionate about this and you can do it. You look back and you cringe? Whatever! It means you've improved. And what's cringe about having some fun? It's easy to say, really, but it's an important lesson. Art and creating is supposed to be fun.

#art #rambles #this is probably a mess but itd be going against my point to not post it so #and im unsure how to tag it...

[dzpenumbra]

10/23/22

So today was... well things just didn't really go as planned. I wanted to go skating, it seemed like a nice day. Then I just got... really insecure, and depressed. Again. That whole "well it's the weekend and the place is probably gonna be packed with kids and I just don't want to deal with it" thing. I know it's just an excuse really. I know for a fact that if I had one person even remotely interested in going with me, I'd drop everything and spend the whole day there. So... that sucks. But... I blew it off. I just said screw it.

I decided to work on the sleeve of my hoodie instead. The second I put my hoodie on my desk, started up some videos on YouTube for background noise and got my pen out... my mom called. I was already pretty stressed. I keep seeing my brother online all day every day and it's kinda just fucking with me. Like taunting me, dangling social contact right out of my reach. It does a number on me.

I was pretty upfront about it, I said everything I said here. How I'm frustrated that I have like just over 3 weeks left here and no one seems to want to do anything. And I keep saying "no one" as if it's more than one person, as though there's a list. I'm pissed that my brother can't hold his grudge until like... next month. Just put it off then. Send me off on a good note for fuck's sake. But no, we're just gonna do this silent treatment avoidance shit.

I'm legitimately angry about this, and I'm shocked at how many people do this kinda stuff. I'm just really tired of it.

So my mom could feel my frustration, my anger, and her defenses were primed. We started talking about my cat's follow-up appointment on Monday and... it just didn't go well. I really just wanted someone, anyone to demonstrate a desire to be part of my life. Like... an eagerness. Like looking forward to spending time with me, not making me work for it. It's a very precious commodity to me and very rare. I often feel like my cat is the only one in the world who is glad to see me. Sound like depression? Probably is. But there's truth behind it too, which makes it even more depressing. Yay.

So... that conflict stretched out for like... 4 hours. I played Session for like 30 minutes in silence while she processed thoughts on the phone with me. I didn't do what I talked about yesterday. I didn't just walk away. I sat there. I spoke my peace. I waited through the silent section. I tried reason over and over. It worked eventually. But man, it ate up my entire day. By the end of it, it was like... 10:30? And I cooked dinner... So before I knew it, it was like 1 AM and I still hadn't gotten any work done.

I literally drew one line around the cuff of my hoodie today. And it just makes me feel like it was a total waste. A beautiful Saturday in late-October and it was like... me begging for someone to be kind and show an interest in spending time with me, then recovering with some food and Minecraft. Then getting ready for bed again.

I was scared to smoke again today. I'm really getting tired of all this. It's so cyclical. Like... I'm afraid after not smoking for like 3-4 days that I'm just gonna get hit hard and freak out. So I was planning on smoking earlier in the day and playing Minecraft, or working on the hoodie, or both. But the fight happened instead, and I was worried that would kinda... pollute my thoughts, leave a bad taste in my mouth, that sorta thing. So... another tincture night.

And... the fear of fear is back again. That fucker is a real bitch.

I'm clearly very cranky. I just want things to be better.

I did try looking for RP servers - Minecraft specifically today. I'm worried with Minecraft that... it attracts a younger audience... and I really feel like if I get on a server I'm just going to be stuck around a bunch of high school drama kids or something. Which is weird, to be honest. I'm literally twice their age, it's... odd. But I'm not seeing any like... 30+ RP servers for Minecraft. Maybe I'm not digging deep enough?

I guess it's sorta the same problem I have with the skatepark. And random queuing for Overwatch. And streaming. It's not as noticeable when you have a friend or two with you, it's easier to push past. But when you're alone and you just get stuck hanging out with actual kids... it's just really uncomfortable for me. They're not peers. Like I struggle to find intellectual peers my age, let alone half my age. So... yeah. Not really sure what to do anymore. Starting to reeeeeally feel my age.

I can feel how grumpy and depressed I am. I should really just go to sleep and try to get a fresh start tomorrow. Wish me luck.

#diary #journal #stream of consciousness #online journal #spilled thoughts

[katsuhera]

FIRST LOVE | s. manjiro, tokyo revengers ˗ˏˋ sano manjiro (mikey) x f!reader ˗ˏˋ wc: 8299 ˗ˏˋ nsfw (18+), childhood friends to lovers au, all chars aged mid-twenties, unprotected sex, creampie, soft sex, implications of a past toxic + mentally abusive relationship with kisaki, i think that's it? this grew way out of hand and into something that now i'm just proud of! so i hope you enjoy 🤍 ˗ˏˋ note: this is my submission for the 2d men discord kittens server l is for lewd collab!

“so many recent pictures and you still keep this one on your bedside?” emma asked, picking up the worn picture frame that sat on your nightstand.

“shut up,” you laughed, snatching it away from her. “it’s a good picture. what’s wrong with a little nostalgia?”

“nothing’s wrong with nostalgia, but it’s the fact that you haven’t framed your pictures from graduation, your diploma, and worst of all, the pictures with me—”

“oh my god sue me,” you rolled your eyes. “lock me up in prison. god forbid i don’t frame the pictures we have with each other that we have on our cell phones, where we can look at them whenever we want.”

“you’re lucky i love you so much,” she retorted, flopping back down onto your bed. “anyway, what are your plans for next weekend? are you free?”

“next weekend? hmm… should be. why?”

“wanna go on a double date with me?” emma asked, suddenly turning your way and looking directly in your eyes so that you couldn’t look away. “please don’t make any excuses, your last relationship was literally back in college.”

“isn’t that a valid excuse?” you whined, throwing your head back. “my last relationship was back in college because it was the last confirmation i needed that men suck.”

“okay, fair, but i found this one really hot guy on tinder—”

“and he’s from tinder!?”

“i know! i know, just, just shut up for a sec and hear me out,” she said, sitting up straight and holding your hands. “i’ll even show you my conversation with him and everything. but his name is ken, goes by draken—isn’t that already super cool?—and he’s rich and funny and charming and tall. tell me, y/n, when was the last time i had a tall boyfriend?”

“never.”

“exactly. so that’s why, to commemorate this special occasion of me finding a tall man, i’d like to bring you along so you can see him and his hot friend.”

you sighed in defeat. “show me these pictures, i guess.”

she squealed, whipping her phone out and tapping furiously. “here!”

you stared at the screen, trying to find any kind of fault to bring up.

“this one’s short,” you deadpanned, pointing to who you assumed to be ken’s friend.

“well.... well yeah, but you’re not tall so it doesn’t matter!” she reasoned, scratching her neck. “but aren’t they pretty attractive? i feel like his friend is also your type. like a fuckboy, but he’s rich, so… an elevated fuckboy? something like that?”

“i hate you.”

“say yes? please?”

“do i have a choice?”

“no.”

“fine.”

she squeaked, tackling you in a hug. “i promise it’ll be a good time. and if it’s not, we’ll leave early. you know i’m good about that!”

“yeah, yeah. anyway, what’s his friend’s name?”

“manjiro…? yeah, manjiro sano,” she recalled, checking back on her messages with ken to confirm. “apparently they’re best friends and also work together. imagine if that was us?”

“we wouldn’t get shit done,” you snorted.

“eep! wait, i have to go now—i’m gonna be late, gotta pick up my mom from her hair appointment. i’ll text you about next weekend?”

you waved your hands dismissively. “yeah yeah, get back safe!”

you waited until emma left and closed the door behind her to fall back on your pillow, your mind full of thoughts—and a little anxiety—over your upcoming date.

the last date you went on was literal years ago, when you were back in college. the dude was a total dick that even emma had told you to be wary of, but something just kept you in the relationship, waiting eternally for things to get better.

you still remember his name, the name of the guy that turned you off from men for a while. kisaki tetta. you let out a sigh at the thought of his name, trying to think of something else. otherwise, you knew that thinking about him for too long would only bring back bad memories.

you lifted your forgotten picture frame up, staring at the worn photo inside of it. it was a decades-old photo of you and your childhood best friend—or first love, rather—mikey. hell, you could barely even remember if that was his real name, it’d been about twenty years since you last saw him. but he always went by mikey—cute little mikey who would wait for you at the end of the slide because you were too scared of completely letting go and just sliding down, adorable mikey with whom you’d formed a childish marriage pact to be fulfilled in your late 30s or 40s, or even 50s, your first love mikey who suddenly left your neighborhood and left your five-year-old heart with a gaping hole.

you knew that first loves and marriage pacts rarely ever worked out, but it was the way that he so suddenly just up and left that forever bothered you. the mikey that never failed to walk you home from pre-school and drop by on the weekends for a bite of your mom’s cooking simply left you without another word, and even now you felt that five-year-old you deserved some type of closure. well, even if you did deserve it—what were you going to do about it? you’d long since come to the realization that you’d probably never see him again, anyway.

“are you excited!?” emma asked, waltzing in through your front door, silky blonde hair shining in bouncy curls. “you look cute!”

“eh,” you responded. you weren’t lying—you learned long ago not to get your hopes up with men. you were only going on this date for emma, anyway, not really because you expected to hit it off with this manjiro guy or anything.

she pouted, seeing your indifference.

“okay, fair. hopefully it’s fun, though! if anything, the place we’re going to seems really cute. even if they suck, we’ll get some good drinks and food out of it.”

“yeah, that is true,” you replied absentmindedly, making some last minute touch ups to your makeup and making sure you had everything you needed. “should we call an uber soon?”

“no need, they’re picking us up.”

huh. you couldn’t remember the last time a guy picked you up for a date.

“oh wait, ken just texted me—they’re here!” she exclaimed, squeezing your arm. “got everything?”

“yeah,” you said, sudden nervousness striking you as you gathered your things and walked towards your door. “okay, let’s go!”

the two of you walked out to see a black bugatti parked outside, tinted windows shielding you from even glimpsing the men inside.

“a bugatti, huh?” you whispered quietly to emma, whose expression looked just as surprised as yours.

“well.... ken did mention that they’re comfortable,” she replied, wide-eyed.

the passenger-side door opened at that moment, revealing who you recognized to be manjiro. his black hair was loosely tied back, exposing a clean shaven undercut and a tattoo that crept up to the base of his neck.

he got out to open the backdoor for you and emma, holding it open with a polite smile on his face.

“emma and… y/n, right?” he asked, his voice faltering the tiniest bit—so subtle that you almost didn’t catch it.

“yeah! manjiro, right? it’s good to meet you,” emma said cheerily, grabbing your hand and getting in. “thanks for picking us up, again.”

“of course, no worries,” he said, looking down hastily once you two’d made eye contact.

well… he is cute, can’t deny that, you thought, smoothing down the front of your outfit as you sat. manjiro closed the door softly, and got in the front again.

“it’s good to meet you two,” ken said smoothly, looking at you and emma from the mirror. “have you been to this restaurant before?”

“no, but i kept hearing good things about it, so i thought it would be worth a try,” emma said, blushing and looking down.

you smiled, looking at her. ken definitely is her type, i’m glad.

“i’ll trust your judgement then,” he smirked, starting the car.

the car ride was short, the car purring quietly as ken easily weaved through traffic. both men seemed like smooth talkers for sure, but for the time being, you couldn’t sense anything weird or malintent from them.

after parking, they opened the doors for you two, ken on emma’s side and manjiro on yours.

oddly, you felt that you seemed to match—emma with ken and you with manjiro, though it was definitely unplanned. just… the color palettes and aesthetics. if you were a stranger looking in, you definitely would have thought that your outfits were planned.

like something out of a drama, you thought.

clearly, manjiro was thinking similarly.

“hey, we’re matching,” he said softly, smiling with an odd twinkle in his eye.

“get your own fashion sense,” you joked, and he merely chuckled, guiding you into the restaurant with a light hand on your mid-back.

butterflies started to flutter in your stomach, and you tried to deny them with all your being.

this means nothing, you thought firmly. you’re… just touch starved.

a couple of drinks in, and the less handsy manjiro became with you. though you weren’t really expecting anything per se, your tipsy self couldn’t help but remember your little interaction going into the restaurant. now, it seemed as though he were afraid to touch you, his rosy-cheeked self seeming to slink further and further away from you on the bench.

you glanced at ken and emma, who seemed to be having a great time—ken’s arm slung across her shoulders with a lazy smile, and emma’s cheeks constantly pulled in a charming smile, giggling at everything he said.

do i smell? you wondered, insecurity and anxiety bubbling up in your chest. does he just not like me? is it something i—

“can i get you another drink?” he asked you, his controlled voice waking you out of your toxic thought cycle. “i’m about to grab another for myself.”

“ah—sure,” you responded quickly, not really thinking. “just a vodka cran, if that’s okay.”

“sure,” he replied, smiling.

“what about me?” ken piped up.

“shut up, designated driver,” manjiro mocked.

“how come just y/n gets one?” ken fake pouted, looking up at manjiro with puppy eyes.

“no more for me!” emma said, throwing up her arms in a cross. “i’m drunk.”

“see? no more for emma, she’s drunk,” manjiro stated matter-of-factly, before turning to you. “y/n, are you sure you’re good for another?”

you were tipsy, but nowhere near your limit, so you nodded.

he pat your head softly, oblivious to the fireworks he sparked in your chest.

“see, ken? y/n’s fine, and that’s why she gets another drink,” he said smugly. “i’ll be right back,” he whispered to you, smiling.

you nod again, desperately trying to ignore the rising heat in your cheeks.

emma made eye contact with you, widening her eyes as if to ask: oh my god!? did he just do that!?

you widen yours in response, as though to tell her: i don’t know! shut up! act normal!

“so any secrets of manjiro’s that you can tell us now that he’s gone?” emma joked, cocking her head towards ken.

“huh,” he said, a slow smile spreading across his face. “i do have secrets, but i wanna make it out of here alive, so none that i can tell you.”

she pouted and you laughed, shaking your head when manjiro returned, drinks in hand.

“what’d i miss?” he asked.

“nothing,” ken replied quickly, a cocky grin on his face. “nothing at all.”

manjiro merely raised his eyebrows, but didn’t question it. he sat a little closer to you when he returned than he did before he left, as if to rid you of your prior insecurities.

“so emma, you’re a graphic designer, right?” manjiro asked. “what about you, y/n?”

“me? i’m in advertising,” you responded, suddenly shy now that the spotlight was on you. “what do you and ken do? you two work together, right?”

they shot each other furtive glances, pausing to clear their throats awkwardly.

“uh… it’s complicated,” ken started. “you can say that we’re in finance.”

“like, at a bank?”

“... no, not exactly.”

“it’s complicated and boring,” manjiro interjected smoothly. “but working together makes up for it.”

you somehow got the sense that you shouldn’t ask for more details, and so you swallowed your questions.

“shit!” emma gasped suddenly. “y/n, i forgot my keys—can i stay over?”

“again?” you laughed. “yeah, of course you can.”

“should we get going, then?” ken asked, looking worriedly at emma. “i’ll just drop you two back off where i picked you up?”

“yes, that’d be perfect,” you said, grateful for his concern.

he nodded, and helped emma to stand and walk towards the exit.

manjiro cleared his throat, catching you by the wrist as you also got up to leave.

“ah, wait—y/n,” he started, a little hesitant. “would you care to exchange numbers? no pressure, of course.”

“oh, sure!” you said, a little caught off-guard. “here, let me type in my number.”

he smiles gently to himself as he takes the phone back from you, and enters his own in your phone.

“here you go,” he said, handing it back to you as the two of you started to follow ken and emma. “i had fun tonight, y/n.”

“me too,” you said, a little shyly. “thanks for buying me those drinks.”

he shrugged. “it was the least i can do, after all this time,” his voice trailed off, and you strained to catch what he’d said over the buzz in the restaurant.

“sorry, i couldn’t hear you,” you said, leaning in.

“n-nothing, just that it was the least i could do,” he said quickly, cheeks flushing. “are you and emma going to be alright?”

“yeah, for sure, all she needs is some water,” you replied, touched by his concern. “she stays over all the time, it’s not like anything inconvenient.”

“that’s good to hear,” he said, patting your shoulder. “here, let me get the door.”

he opened the backdoor to the car, and you saw emma already sitting, her neck lolled back with her eyes closed.

“y/n! finally,” she pouted. “can we binge twilight at home?”

“maybe,” you laughed.

the four of you rode in comfortable silence on the way home, the windows rolled down to reveal the beautiful cityscape that sparkled in the clear night sky.

“we had a good time tonight,” ken said sincerely as you got out of the car. “hope you had fun, too.”

“we did,” you smiled. “thanks for dinner guys! and for the ride back.”

“of course.” manjiro looked at you curiously as you waved goodbye, waiting until you and emma were safely in your building before getting back in the car.

“so… that’s her, right?” ken asked quietly, starting the engine.

manjiro stared at your contact page in his phone for a moment before answering.

“... yeah. that’s her.”

you were weirdly constantly drawn to your phone in the days following your double date, and even in all your denial you have to admit that it’s probably because of how consistently ken and emma texted.

you were undoubtedly happy for her, especially since ken’s the first guy that you didn’t immediately disapprove of for her, but still—seeing her giggle at her phone when talking to him struck a strange chord in your heart.

he’d sent a cordial “hey, this is manjiro. just wanted to check in and see if you and emma woke up alright” the next morning, but your conversation had fallen a little flat by the end of the day.

sighing, at this point you were certain that you could deny your interest in him no longer. the tingly sensation you got in your chest when he patted your head in the restaurant came back to haunt you randomly throughout the day, and you swore that you’d do fucking anything to get rid of that.

should i text him first? you wondered. your eyes sauntered over to emma, who sat in the corner of your room, rapidly tapping on her phone. but what would i even text him about?

“emma,” you started hesitantly.

“hmm? what’s up?”

“what do you and ken talk about?”

she stared at you blankly before answering. “hmm, like… everything? i don’t know, we kinda just talk about our days, and stuff. i tell him about work and he tells me about whatever it is he does throughout the day.”

“mmm.”

“have you and manjiro been talking?”

“no,” you almost didn’t want to answer. “bu—”

“does that bother you?”

“n—” you started, stopping yourself halfway. “yeah, maybe. i just don’t, like, know what to talk about with him.”

“huh.”

“what?”

“heard from ken that manjiro really liked you,” she said nonchalantly, pursing her lips. “kinda weird that he hasn’t texted you or anything.”

“i couldn’t even tell that he liked me at all,” you said, exasperated.

“i don’t think it would hurt to text him first…” she said, lost in thought. “maybe ask to grab coffee?”

what was stopping you?

“i… i guess, yeah, i can do that,” you gave in.

“you guys would be so cute together,” she mused. “i might have been drunk that night, but i still remember him patting your head!”

“do you think that even meant anything? it felt so random.”

“it couldn’t have meant nothing, right? after all, ken did say that manjiro liked you, so…”

you sighed, at a loss. “help me write this text.”

“babe, you’re literally 23. i think you can compose a text on your own.”

you huffed in defeat, knowing she was right. looking over at her, you saw that she’d already gone back to giggling quietly and typing—must be nice, you thought.

hi... you started typing.

does that sound off? you wondered.

hey manjiro, hope i’m not bothering you! just wanted to know if you’d be down to grab some coffee sometime :)

you stared at your phone, the blinking cursor flashing ominously as your mind raced to think of a better way to construct the sentence.

fuck it, you thought, and pressed send.

hey y/n! sure, i’d love to. does sometime tomorrow work for you?

you blinked, surprised at the quick reply.

i get off work at 5, so i should be free any time after 6!

that sounds perfect, i’ll be coming back from something around then. wanna meet at bibble & sip? if i remember right, i think it’s in your area!

you laughed softly to yourself, a little amused at the fact that a guy like manjiro knew about a place like bibble & sip. you’d been there before and it was in your neighborhood—it was a quaint little cafe, known for their adorable sweets.

yeah, i love bibble & sip! sounds good, i’ll text you when i start heading over there tomorrow then.

looking forward to it. see you tomorrow, y/n :)

you stared for a while at the smiley face he included, wondering briefly if he was just trying to match your tone in sending that.

locking your phone, you turned on netflix, hoping that it would distract you from thinking about manjiro until tomorrow.

“fuck are you smiling at?” ken asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he looked at manjiro in the passenger seat of his car.

“tch. nothing, dickhead,” manjiro spat, locking his phone quickly. silently, he thanked ken for always blasting music as he drove—surely he would have heard the drumming of his heart in his chest otherwise.

hey, i’m on my way! you texted, a couple blocks from the cafe.

i’ll be there in a few minutes! caught in some traffic right now.

no worries! i’ll grab us a table

you took a deep breath before locking your phone and opening the door to the cafe. thankfully, there were plenty of open seats, and you decided on the corner seats—soft mini couches with a ceramic table between them.

it wasn’t long before manjiro stepped through the entrance, scanning the room to find you, smiling when he did.

his smile offered an odd comfort to your pattering heart, starting to slowly dull your worries and anxiety about the meeting.

“y/n! have you been well?” he greeted you, pulling you into a gentle hug as you stood.

“mm, i have! what about you?”

“good, missed you though.” he’d said it so nonchalantly that you almost didn’t hear him. “i’ll go get us some drinks, do you have anything in particular in mind?”

you choked on air once you processed what he’d said. “j-just a latte, please,” you managed to splutter.

missed me? your thoughts raced wildly. did i hear that right?

you pretended to look through your phone as you waited for him to come back with your drinks, feeling too flushed to look at him outright.

“here you go,” he said, returning and setting down your coffees. “the glassware here is pretty nice, you said you’ve been here before right?”

“mhmm,” you said, mind still in a haze. “did you mean that, by the way?”

oh, shit.

“hmm? mean what?”

there was no escaping this situation now.

“that… that you missed me.”

manjiro blinked, as if confused as to why you even had to ask.

“yeah, why? i did…” he said, voice trailing off. “i did miss you. a lot, actually.”

you forced yourself to look him in his eyes, normally plain and dark but now shining with a genuine light, flickering between your own eyes as he tried to gauge what you were thinking.

you swallowed hard, a feeble attempt to compose yourself.

“oh.”

“you seem like you don’t believe me.”

“i mean,” you paused uncomfortably. “i mean it’s not that, but…”

“i wanted to text you,” he interrupted quietly. “but… i think something just held me back. like i don’t have the right to be texting you as much as i want.”

“the right…?”

he averted his gaze, staring instead at the foamy heart drawn on the top of his latte.

“it’s—it’s kinda complicated, honestly,” he started. “and i don’t mean this in a way where i’m, like, trying to avoid this conversation with you—”

“manjiro,” you cut in, gently but firmly. “i want to be honest with you. before you, i was in a fuck ton of shitty relationships where guys would avoid having important conversations with me, just like this one—but the difference between now and then is that now i’ve learned what it means to prioritize myself and i want to continue valuing that. if there’s something important that you can’t talk to me about, and it’ll keep us from…” you paused, unsure of the word you were looking for. “from… continuing… whatever this is, then—”

you gulped, wondering if you really meant what you were about to say.

“then i don’t want it,” you finished, quietly.

he paused, thinking.

“you’re right,” he said slowly. “no, you’re right. and—i’m sorry, i should have been more considerate. is… is now a good time to have a long, maybe boring conversation?”

your heart thumped in your chest wildly, excited from the thrill of not backing down from something you really wanted.

college me would be shocked right now, you thought wryly.

“yeah, i have time.”

he nodded, sipping his coffee.

“so… when ken and i said that we work in finance, we weren’t lying—entirely. but we deal with… dirty money.”

what? you stared at him blankly.

“okay, long story short—we run a gang.”

huh?

your bewildered face must have been funny to him, since he broke out in laughter. you were half expecting him to go “what!? did you believe me!?”, yet no such expression came.

“sorry, sorry, you just looked really cute,” he chuckled. “i’m being serious, though. i’m technically the leader, though ken shares a lot of my responsibilities, too.”

you found yourself furrowing your eyebrows in disbelief, trying to comprehend the words he’d said.

“is that, like, legal?”

another wide grin from him.

“unfortunately not, but that doesn’t really get in our way often.”

you nodded, choosing to drink your coffee in silence. a gang!? the fuck?

“but—but wait, before you start thinking whatever it is you’re thinking—we’re good people, i promise,” he said quickly, hands raised. “we don’t hurt innocent people, we don’t steal from innocent people, we really… our mission isn’t to hurt people, y’know? it’s kind of like our own world…”

you swallowed.

“as long as you’re a good person…” you responded slowly.

manjiro couldn’t help but break out into soft peals of laughter, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest at how cute and innocent your reaction was.

“i get it if you don’t believe me,” he said quietly, fingering the rim of his mug. “but i—”

“no, i do,” your response surprised you just as much as it did him.

“is it… okay with you?” he asked hesitantly, cautiously meeting your gaze.

was it? you weren’t even sure, yourself.

“i don’t know,” you answered honestly. “but i do appreciate you telling me.”

his cheeks grew rosy, and he looked down. “yeah. i was a little scared to tell you though, to be quite honest.”

“yeah, like what if i was an undercover cop?”

he snorted. “i guess i’d let you handcuff me.”

“tch,” you laughed, mind too empty to string together an actual response.

you both sipped quietly from your cups, looking anywhere but at each other.

manjiro had to go first, after receiving a call from ken.

“i’m sorry,” he apologized, genuine concern glowing in his eyes. “i’m sorry—i’ll make it up to you. but this is urgent.”

“gang stuff?” you giggled.

“uh,” he smiled, bemused. “yeah.”

“it’s okay—i should be heading home now, anyway.”

he nodded, internally fighting over whether he should just say fuck it and walk you home first before heading back to ken.

“text me when you’re home?”

“sure.”

he smiled, and reached his hand to gently squeeze yours.

your mind was a blur as you slowly made your way home, finding the balmy night air to be the perfect backdrop for you to try and clear your thoughts.

a gang… but a good one? the crease in your forehead deepened the more you tried to think about it.

but he was honest with you, and you couldn’t sense even a hint of deceit from him.

but a gang!? and not only that—but he’s the leader?

you sighed, dropping your head to stare at the floor as you walked.

“oi, slut.”

you froze, every cell in your body turning to stone as you registered who that voice belonged to. you couldn’t help but turn around slowly, praying to every deity there was that it wasn’t who you thought it was.

“that’s what you’re doing now? fucking with gang leaders?”

the lens of his glasses glinted in the moonlight, amber eyes glowering at you from behind them.

“thought you were done with men after we broke up,” he sneered, not taking his eyes off you for even a second as he stalked towards you.

“kisaki…?” god, you hated how your voice trembled.

“oh, so you still remember me,” he said, continuing his pace towards you. you backed up, backed up without thinking until you were pricked in the back by some family’s bush, thin branches and leaves threatening to leave holes in the soft fabric of your cardigan. “you still remember me, even though now you’ve got time to fuck around with guys like manjiro.”

your breath hitched at the mention of his name.

“how did you—”

“i saw everything, saw you simpering and giggling with him—what, did you think that because he got coffee for you that he’d be a different person?”

“w-what do you mea—”

a kick to the chest left kisaki on the floor, dumbfounded as to how he got there.

manjiro stood in front of you protectively, ken at his side.

“take her home,” ken muttered quietly.

“you think i don’t know that?” manjiro quipped, but his expression softened as he turned to you. “are you alright? come, i’ll walk you back.”

you nodded blankly, taking shallow breaths in an attempt to calm your trembling body.

he looked at you worriedly, but decided against saying anything. he merely took your hand in his, entwining your fingers softly in his.

your body moved on autopilot, only able to put one foot in front of the other because it was something you’d done for over twenty years.

“did he hurt you?” he asked, holding your hand securely.

you shook your head, wide-eyed. after all this time, he still came to find me.

“y—of course, you don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable or anything, but.. what was he to you?”

“my ex,” you said, shaky voice piercing the otherwise still serenity of the night. “the last guy i ever dated.”

“mmm.”

the sounds of your combined footsteps filled the air, thick with unasked and unanswered questions.

“he was abusive,” you said quietly, voice so low that it almost came out as a whisper. “not, like, physically, he didn’t hit me or anything—but mentally. made me feel worthless and shitty, and like i’d never amount to anything unless i stayed with him.”

manjiro balled his free hand into a fist at your words, knuckles whitening as they sunk in. he knew kisaki was a piece of shit, knew that there was something wrong with the guy—but it was too late. he and ken were too late, and kisaki had found you.

he swallowed his anger.

“did he say anything weird to you?”

“he mentioned you, actually, kinda seemed like you knew each other.”

“we do,” manjiro said grimly. “we have a shit history together, too.”

“oh.”

you couldn’t do this tonight. you probably couldn’t do it tomorrow, either. seeing kisaki had drained the energy from your body, bringing back in floods the awful, god awful memories of your years together.

“it’s this place, right?”

he stopped, causing you to nearly bump into him as you continued mindlessly walking. you blinked, the familiar front garden and walkway slowly coming into focus in your vision.

“y-yeah,” you said, staring blankly.

“i’ll wait for you to go in, don’t worry,” he said reassuringly, loosening his grip on your hand.

you shook your head silently.

“what’s wrong? oh, i should walk you to your door—come, y/n.”

he led you slowly to your doorstep, keeping an eye out on the sidewalk behind you as you fumbled with your keys, finally unlocking the door.

“sleep tight,” he said, squeezing your fingers. “text me if you need anything.”

don’t leave.

you shook your head once more, simply gazing at him with empty eyes.

“hmm? is something wrong?”

“can you come in with me?”

“i…” he searched your eyes apprehensively. “yeah, i can—of course.”

silently, he followed you in, locking the door behind you.

“i’m scared,” you said quietly, your emotions laid bare on your face.

“it’s okay, i got you—i’m here. i can stay until you fall asleep.”

manjiro gulped, hoping that if he swallowed hard enough, his heart would stop beating so damn wildly.

you nodded simply.

“help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” you said, an awkward formality. with a meek smile, you turned and padded off to the bathroom to shower.

once he heard the water running, he sunk down into the plush cushions of your living room sofa, checking his phone to find updates from ken. relieved, he read ken’s messages to find that kisaki had been taken care of.

he let out a long, slow exhale, wondering how he’d ended up in your apartment. looking around, he found that traces of you could be found everywhere: in the simple, neat way you arranged your things, the hints of color in the accessories, the stuffed animal sitting in the corner chair—

the stuffed animal that’d once belonged to him.

vivid memories flooded back, surging into his brain at once as his memory played back in his mind like a movie reel. he remembered suddenly how you’d chased him around the playground, screaming and laughing as you ran with your arms outstretched, gunning straight for the stuffed bunny he’d held in his arms. he remembered suddenly how he’d even gotten it—his older brother, shinichiro had won it at some arcade and brought it home for him, and how the first thought his childish brain had upon seeing the doll was that you would probably like it. he remembered suddenly showing up to your childhood house with that same bunny in his arms, presenting it to you on your sixth birthday, and how your eyes had lit up with childish glee upon receiving it.

there he sat on your sofa, so entirely lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed the single, hot tear rolling down his cheek, nor your re-entrance to the room, fresh from your shower.

“you’re gonna stay ‘til i fall asleep, right?”

he nodded, quickly wiping the fallen moisture from sight.

“yeah, are you going to bed now?”

“yeah.”

“okay.”

he followed you to your bedroom, sitting gingerly at your dresser as you tucked yourself into your covers.

what am i doing? you wondered hazily. inviting a guy you liked, but barely knew into your home—and not only that, but to wait for you to sleep. and he’s the leader of the gang. somehow, that seemed like the least important fact about him.

but your body acted on its own, acting according to an autopilot you didn’t know you’d had configured.

you extended your hand out to him, looking at him with innocent eyes, silently pleading for him to take your hand in his.

he understood and willingly obliged, sitting at the very edge of your mattress and entwining your fingers in his once more.

“good night,” he said, his smooth voice blanketing your frazzled mind and offering some semblance of comfort. “i’ll be here, don’t worry.”

you nodded, blinking sleepily.

what am i doing… you asked yourself wearily, but at this moment, you found that you didn’t even have the energy to care. all you wanted, desperately, desperately needed was something to distract you from kisaki tetta, to rid you of all the shitty memories and to hold you and make you feel like everything would be okay.

his hand was warm, engulfing yours, and you held it close to your cheek, laying on your side.

you drifted off easily, his smell and warm, comforting presence cleansing you of your fears.

manjiro’s phone buzzed in the jacket that he left in your chair, and he willfully ignored it, choosing instead to watch you sleep. a sense of relief settled in his heart watching the slight crease in your forehead smooth out, leaving your expression otherwise sweet and peaceful.

his eyes flickered to your nightstand, the framed picture causing his heart to jump into his throat.

there he was, his blonde hair a sloppy mess atop his head, and there you were, clinging to his arm—just as you always had, when you were little.

when things were simpler, he thought, with a pang.

he’d never wanted to leave you.

when shinichiro died, his family was broken, opting to leave the neighborhood altogether in an ugly attempt to cope with their grief. but it only broke little mikey further, first being so cruelly separated from his beloved brother, and then ripped from his beloved you.

for the past twenty or so years, he’d spent much of his time wondering how he’d apologize to you, how he’d confess that you were his childhood love—if he’d ever see you again.

and then one day, like destiny you’d been brought to each other. and now, like destiny, he sat at the edge of your bed, holding your hand as you drifted to sleep.

it wasn’t before he was just a centimeter from your face that he realized what he was doing, and he moved to pull away when you suddenly shifted, bringing your lips to meet his.

the sudden contact woke you from your sleep, and you opened your eyes to see a pair of familiar, dark eyes gaping at yours.

familiar, dark eyes that strangely reminded you of—

“mikey…?” you asked, bleary and dazed from your sleep.

he shrunk back slightly, his ears ringing with the sound of his heart drumming in his chest.

“yeah,” he said hoarsely, swallowing hard. “it’s me—it’s mikey, y/n.”

blinking away the fogginess, you stared at him in disbelief until something clicked in your brain.

“manj—mikey?” you asked, sitting up, heat rising quickly to your face. “you’re mikey?”

nodding, he searched your eyes for any hint of your thoughts.

how could you not have realized?

“mik—my mikey?”

he stilled, confused.

“yours?”

your face grew even hotter, realizing what you’d said.

“i mean—” he started.

“it’s you, right?” you interrupted. “you knew i was—that i was me, right? why didn’t you say anything?”

he didn’t have an answer, merely dropping his head down to avoid eye contact.

“it’s like i said before, y/n. i… i didn’t think i deserved to be able to tell you.”

“why did you leave me?”

your words rang raw with emotion, hiding the twenty years’ worth of pent up tears and childish fits behind them.

he swallowed, hard.

“shin died.”

oh.

“my parents decided it was best—for them—to just… leave. leave behind this neighborhood where we’d grown up with shin. it was too much for them, i guess.”

you gripped your sheets until they balled up in your fists, overwhelmed with feelings and emotions you thought you’d safely locked away two decades ago.

“you were my first love, you know.”

mikey spoke simply, quietly, as though what he’d just confessed was a simple fact, not to ever be denied or argued with.

“you don’t have to say anyth—”

“stupid,” you cut him off, staring at him with shining eyes brimming with hot tears. “you were mine, too.”

time slowed for mikey, each passing second feeling like an hour as he took in what you’d said.

“and i wanted to confess first.”

you grabbed his wrist, pulling him into you and bringing his lips home, home to yours, and briefly you felt the trickle of a tear that wasn’t yours spill onto your cheek.

your lips were soft on his chapped ones, and for a couple of sweet, sweet moments the two of you stayed together like that, pouring the emotions of two small children who’d never had their feelings validated into this one sweet, simple kiss.

trembling still, you lifted your other hand to caress his cheek, wiping away the tear that had already fallen and mixed with yours.

he caught your wrist, wrapping his other arm around you, doing what he’d wanted to do ever since the day he left you back then—holding your body close to his, he tried to remember every bit of detail of how your body fit perfectly in his arms, how it felt so right holding you, and never wanting to let go.

his tongue slipped past your lips, dancing with yours in a slow waltz as if silently apologizing for not having done this earlier.

you moved your arms to wrap around his torso instead, guiding him onto the bed where you lay, and he knelt with one knee between your thighs, hovering over your body as he kissed you.

it were as though a little voice in your head continued to chant it’s mikey! he loves me! he loves me too! in disbelief, and you grew so tired of the incessant chatter that you let yourself go, leaving your mind blank as you entrusted yourself to mikey.

“can i?” he whispered, pulling slightly at the loosened strap of your sleep tank.

you nodded, studying his face up close as you hadn’t been able to do for over two decades.

“you’ve aged,” you laughed softly, rubbing gentle circles into his cheek with the pad of your thumb.

“because i missed you too much,” he replied simply, nothing but sincerity shining through his dark eyes.

that silenced you, and you merely lay there, letting him push your strap down your shoulder as he leaned down, pressing featherlight kisses down the line of your neck and collarbone.

his breath tickled you, and you trembled beneath him, prompting him to stop in concern.

“is this okay? should i stop?” he asked, searching your eyes for an answer to an unspoken question.

you shook your head. “it’s nothing, don’t worry—i’m just… i’m just happy.”

the relief was evident in his face, and he attempted to hide his smile by burying his face in the crook of your neck, cradling the back of your head in his palm.

“i’m sorry for not telling you earlier, the moment i met you,” he confessed. “i wanted to, especially since i didn’t even know that the other girl was going to be you. but i thought that maybe telling you would fuck things up, and i didn’t want to risk not seeing you again.”

you squeezed his shoulder tight, understanding.

“i get it, mikey,” you said, smiling inadvertently at the way his childhood nickname slipped so easily from your lips. “nothing’s changed in the way i feel for you. i love you, still.”

his face burned, and he stayed silent, his mind and chest bursting with so many feelings that he had no room left for words. instead, silently he continued to pepper your skin with kisses, peeling away the blanket that separated your bodies.

you gasped lightly as the cool air rushed around your bare skin, his hand gliding along the line of your waist to hitch under the hem of your tanktop, resting finally at the area just below your rib cage.

if he was going to be honest, he was afraid to touch you still. afraid to make a wrong move, afraid to scare you away and afraid to ruin this golden chance he had at pursuing the lifetime love that he’d tried so ardently to lock away.

sensing his hesitation, you took his hand in yours and guided it up to your breasts, entangling your other hand in his hair.

he understood, rolling your pebbled nipple between his fingers, blood rushing to his cock at the sound of your pitchy breaths. his other hand dipped below the waistband of your shorts, tugging at them delicately until you lifted your hips, allowing him to pull them down, exposing your panties.

mikey lifted his head, drinking in the sight of your nearly naked body beneath his. on so many restless nights—nights that he couldn’t say he was particularly proud of—he’d imagined what it would feel like to finally have you, finally have confessed and finally be able to love you, all of you like he’d always wanted to do.

shyly, you tugged too at his shirt, a cute attempt at lifting it over his shoulders.

chuckling, he sat up and pulled it off in one go, leaving you slightly stunned, unable to string any words together as you examined the gentle ripples his muscles made each time he moved. silvery scars lined his skin here and there, littering his chest and even parts of his stomach.

noticing your diverted attention, he dipped down to plant a light kiss to your forehead.

“i’m okay, don’t worry. they didn’t hurt me—i’m really strong, you know.”

“oh yeah? if you’re so strong, then how’d you get these scars in the first place?” you quipped.

“what? strong people can’t get scars?” you both chuckled, and gone were your anxieties and worries.

he undid his pants, sliding them off easily and flinging them to the side in one motion, and slid your panties down your legs in the next.

“so pretty,” he breathed, unthinkingly bringing his finger down to your wet slit, gathering up the juices that had started to pool and staring at the way it strung to his fingers even as he pulled away.

you found yourself yearning even more for his touch, biting the inside of your cheek in anticipation of where he would touch you next.

he brought his finger to his tongue, licking at the slick that remained.

“so sweet,” he continued, and your pussy throbbed at his words.

pulling down his boxers, you watched as his cock sprung free, slapping his abs.

he stroked it languidly as he bent over you, lining himself up with your dripping cunt.

“are you sure?” he asked you, darkened eyes sure to catch any hint of ingenuity.

you nodded wordlessly, lifting your hands to rest on his shoulders.

you swore that the moment he entered you must have been the most heavenly thing you’d experience, the instant in which the two of you finally got what you wanted—it felt so good, so so good that it almost felt too good to be true, and your synchronous moans filled the room, invisibly settling in the air, surrounding your bodies.

your grip on his shoulders grew tighter, your knuckles whitening from the pressure.

a whispered string of curses fell from mikey’s lips as he threw his head back, basking in the pleasure your walls brought him, squeezing and pulsing around his size.

you wrapped your legs tight around his lower back, keeping him in you, moaning as you did so.

“f-fuck, mikey,” you mewled, straining your neck from the way he filled you up.

“say it again,” he panted, hips stuttering at your words. “my name—say it again, please—”

“oh’m god, mikey—feels s’good,” you breathed, eyebrows furrowing as he continued to hit that perfect, fleshy spot inside you.

he groaned, nearly unraveling in that very second. his thrusts grew longer and harder, his balls slapping the curve of your ass with each stroke.

your nails dug crescent shapes into his shoulder blades as you cried out, the feeling of being so utterly filled up only adding to the pressure you felt in your lower stomach.

mikey pressed a thumb to your clit, rubbing soft, sloppy circles into the tight bud in hopes of hearing you cry out harder, cry out his name harder, louder, so that your voice would carry through the thin walls of your apartment and reach your neighbors, unsuspecting strangers who knew nothing of the love between you two but would know going forward that you were his, and he was yours.

“s-so tight,” he muttered, as if in disbelief. “so good, all f’r me, all mine, right love?”

you nodded desperately, heat flooding over your entire body as you felt that knot in your stomach threaten to burst.

one particularly hard thrust later, and you broke, melting into a puddle in his arms, coming undone in the overwhelming pleasure of your orgasm.

he held you tight, fucking you even through your spasms, hoping to draw out every last moan and mewl you had left inside you.

your pussy fluttered around him as he fucked you through your high, squeezing and pulling him in deeper each time he attempted to pull out, and he was unsure of how much longer he could possibly last.

“mmnh—! ‘s too much, too much mikey,” you gasped, your whole body left trembling.

but he paid you no attention, rutting into you ruthlessly just so he could hear the squelch of your pussy sucking him in one more time.

he lowered his head to latch onto your nipple, sucking and massaging your breasts with his hand, wiping your mind entirely blank.

“mik—mikey!” you whined.

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” he cooed, lifting his head from your chest. “let me show you how much i love you.”

once again burying his head in your chest, he continued to pump into you, chasing his own release.

“you’re so fucking wet,” he said, his voice feverish and nearly delirious. “can’t believe i finally get to have you, get to do what i’ve been dreamin’ of—”

the way your pussy clenches around him at his words drives him over the edge, and with a breathy whine he let go, holding you tight as his cum filled you up, painting your wet walls a warm white, his cock twitching inside with each spurt.

you wrapped your legs tight around him, keeping him in you as he whimpered, hips stuttering through his release.

and there you lay, bodies intertwined to become one, mixed juices dripping from your lips and down the insides of your thighs.

for a few peaceful moments, the only sounds disrupting the serenity of your room were those of your labored breathing and the rustling of your sheets as he brought his arm up to cradle your head once more.

“i told you already and i know you know,” he started, speaking into your neck. “but i love you, y/n, love you so much and always have.”

you stroked his hair affectionately, smiling though he couldn’t possibly see it.

“yeah, i know. and listen—i told you already ‘nd i know you know, but i love you too, mikey.”

“y/n.”

“hmm?”

“be mine? it’s… it’s all i ever wanted.”

his tone was quiet, sincere, hesitant, even, as his heart flew to his throat, anticipating your answer.

you hugged him tight, wrapping your arms around his torso and squeezing him impossibly harder.

“is this you renewing your marriage proposal?” you giggled.

“you remembered that?” he asked bashfully, after a beat of silence.

“how could i forget? did you!?”

“no, no, just surprised is all.” he swallowed, hoping to embed this moment forever into his memory. “well… what if i said yes?”

“like, this is a renewal of that old proposal?”

“depends.”

you broke out into a wide smile, hands balling into fists at his back.

“then what if i said yes to your proposal?”

“i’d tell you i loved you again.”

masterlist

taglist: @misslovingpearl @tsookieloopie

#tokyo revengers #tokyorev #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers fanfiction #tokyorev smut #tokyorev fanfiction #tokyorev mikey #mikey smut #sano manjiro smut #mikey #sano manjiro #mikey x you #mikey x reader #mikey x y/n #sano manjiro x you #sano manjiro x reader #sano manjiro x y/n

[izzy-b-hands]

There’s one server I’ve spent basically no time in on Discord, and tbh I think I might just leave it after tonight

Something was discussed that just finally irked me too much and god it’s dumb to vent post abt it here like this but my brain is on FIRE over it 

and I don’t know anyone on there aside from general things abt them but I do know enough to know they don’t get to be deciding things re: queer men (aka they aren’t a part of that demographic), and as a queer man, seeing that going on? 

just fucking makes me seethe. I’ve already been ignored as trans and called a lesbian in it (I’m a proud gay trans man-aka I’m only into other trans dudes or cis dudes-and I don’t hide that, but apparently it doesn’t matter) 

the only blessed thing is that as far as I know, no one that I talk to on the other servers like DL or K Company or on tumblr is on it, so at least I won’t lose contact w/anyone I actually like talking to by leaving it

that’s what I get for searching out additional servers w/out having them be recommended by ppl I trust lmao

#text post #I'd vent abt it on the servers I do trust #but even those I get the sneaking feeling like...they aren't comfortable when I talk abt issues like this #and like...I get it #it frustrates me at times and makes me feel like I shouldn't ever get upset or feel bad when shit like this goes down #when I try to find other servers just for the hell of it #so I try to just push the feelings down but #I was about to go to bed and happened to unmute the server and immediately regretted it #but it's also the only one I ever searched out on my own and didn't have a friend send me a link to #so I probably should have expected it #but I'm pissed off all the same #and kind of hate that I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset over it #and that the only place I have to admit my feelings is here #but that is what it is and tbh #is probably influenced by me still feeling not great from last night either #but god all the same like fuck #I'm gonna go leave the server and then go to bed and feel like shit I guess #and never search out any others ever again #only going on ones that I get invited to by ppl I trust #I've finally learned my fuckin lesson

[flamingo-writes]

It's Better When The Sun Goes Down — Nanami x Reader

This is a piece for the Anilysium Server NSFW Collab! Make sure to check the masterlist to see other writer's works! This month's prompt was: "I can't hold back anymore"

I'd like to dedicate this fanfic to one of my dearest and closest friends. I'm not a Nanami simp myself, but they are. And I have fun writing for Nanami, and also I love writing angsty things and flawed characters. Reg, I hope you enjoy this as much as you enjoy my more casual writing.

(it's pink bcs youre Chancho)

Word Count: 5.4K

Warnings: Mentions of breakup and heartbreak, alcohol and drug consuption, public sex, ghosting, lots and lots of angst. This does not have a happy ending. This is also non proof read bcs I kinda left it to the last minute I'm sorry, I'll go back and edit it when I am not in a rush dcj nd

Summary: Nanami’s return to the Sorcerer life wasn’t so bad. It could be better if Gojo wasn’t determined to get him back with his ex. As Nanami tries to get on good terms with them, things get out of control, only to end up where it all began.

I made this playlist while writing, in case you wanna listen to it while reading. Preferably listen to it without the shuffle, but you can hear it on shuffle, no biggie.

Nanami had forgotten how painfully unbearable Gojo could be. His return as a Sorcerer had been nothing out of the ordinary for a Sorcerer's standards. Missions here and there, or watching over some of Gojo's students. But God, he had surely stepped out of the line this time.

He couldn't even begin to explain how much he hated his current situation. Fighting by your side for the first time in years felt like rubbing hot oil on an open wound. The uncomfortable ignoring the elephant in the room between you two, as you two tracked and fought what felt like a million Curses.

When the adrenaline was at its peak, it felt almost nostalgic; though he'd then remembered everything else and immediately made his own reality bitter and awkward. Overshadowed by the advantage of years of experience ahead of him made him resent you even more. He knew it was childish and pointless to keep remembering everything that happened between you two, but that bittersweet memory would most likely keep him at bay.

You were still strong, witty, fearless, reckless and quick to act and defend yourself. The way you moved looked more swiftly and coordinated than you did back in your student days. Almost as if you were a professional dancer. He hated every bit of it. He couldn’t stop looking at you, thinking about you, and the possibilities of what you two would have become.

After the mission was over, no words were exchanged between you two. Aside from the: "Are you alright?" He told you as you simply gave him a thumbs up as you caught your breath drenched in sweat. An entire ride in an uncomfortable silence, until he reached the school and you got out of the car.

"Thanks. You did a great job. Keep it up" You said. Cold, and straight to the point. Closing his car door before he could reply. And soon, you were gone.

As Nanami tried to get his mind off the mission, Gojo made it difficult. He called him to ask for the details of the mission. He seemed amused and intrigued, as clearly you hadn't told him shit. And honestly, he could understand why. Gojo was meddling on things that weren’t his business, and things that had died a long time ago.

"Why are you interrogating me, Gojo?" He asked as he pressed hisnfingers on the bridge of his nose. "Ask your underling…"

"Because that jerk left for the bar as soon as they arrived" He explained. "And I know better than to annoy a drunk [Name], It took me a while but...I finally learned my lesson" He chuckled. “I knew they could hit hard, but damn, I had a big ass bruise…” Nanami could almost hear his stupid grin.

"You make it sound like it's a recurrent event" Nanami pointed out, slightly surprised as he didn't know you were a drinker.

"Oh, Nanami-kun, you really know nothing huh?" Gojo said, smiling widely as he had managed to manipulate Nanami into asking.

"Know what?" Nanami hissed as he now swore he could hear Nanami creepily grinning at his phone.

"No, nothing!” Gojo said as if it were nothing; trying and succeeding at peeking at Nanami’s curiosity “I'm not gonna talk over depressing things on the phone. Gotta go, bye! Kith kith, Kento-kun" Gojo sang and hung up, as he smirked, proud of his little mischief. He sighed deeply as he stretched in his bed. "Soon, those two will be back together" he smirked to himself.

Nanami hissed a curse under his breath as he locked his phone and threw it on his bed and went to the kitchen. If he had understood well, Gojo had just hinted at a possible drinking problem. He tried shaking his mind off of it. You couldn't, could you? You weren’t a drinker...You weren’t the last time he saw you. You were able to party and have fun without having to intoxicate yourself.

You were wild, cheerful, unpredictable. Everything he was not. And that’s what had made him fall in love with you back in your school days. You were so laid back, he could feel it permeating into him when you two hung out. The few times he’d broken rules was because you’d been the bad influence, however, you somehow managed to get away with it, and leave him with some distant memory in which he felt actually glad to be alive. He usually felt like he was walking on a cloud stuck in time, being present and enjoying the little things that made his everyday memories.

He’d really screwed up after breaking up with you...if he could call that a breakup... His life took a dramatic turn. And then, he turned his back to this world, and got immersed in the gray life the average man in Japan had. Away from what he's familiar with, away from his friends, away from you.

And now, apparently, you had a drinking habit. He wondered if he had caused it, or if he was one of the reasons behind it. The guilt started creeping in. The same guilt and regret he felt after ghosting on you. Not being able to bring himself to properly end things with you.

The guilt he’d managed to swipe under the rug for so many years creeped back out, and followed him around as the afternoon went by. After having a shower, changing into more comfortable clothes and in a lame attempt to cook dinner, he decided to test his luck. He put on a dark button down shirt and decided to go to the bar closest to the School. He felt the naive hope to find you there. However, if you had an actual problem, then his chances to see you there were higher.

Such was his surprise to find you there, trying to get rid of some insistent guy who kept talking to you despite your very obvious lack of interest. Before you could spot him, he watched you aggressively turn to the guy and talk to him in a rather rude tone. Sounding almost like a moody sailor as the guy’s face soon was washed with horror and disgust and walked away. As you turned your face back to your drink, your eyes scanned the bar, finally spotting him.

“Oh god” You whined as you pulled the glass to your lips. “It’s too early to be this drunk…” You hissed.

“Mind if I sit here?” He asked, pointing at the chair in front of you.

“Tell Gojo to go fuck himself…” You snapped at him as you stood up and stumbled your way to the bar asking for a refill. Nanami looked at you, feeling slightly sorry for your tipsy state, as he’d never seen you like that. And he knew being mad and drunk was never a good combination. As you turned around with your glass and made your way back to your table, you gave him a slightly repulsed smile. “You’re still here…”

“Gojo didn’t send me here, if that’s what you’re thinking” He replied.

“He might as well have manipulated you into doing so, has that crossed your mind?” You said with a sassy tone as you sat back down. “Why are you still standin’?”

Nanami took that as an invitation as he ignored your last comment, trying to refuse the idea that Gojo had manipulated him.

“Rough day, huh?” He said as you nodded and stared at your drink.

“Look, Kento. I’m glad that you’re back. I really am. You’re strong, and you’re smart…” You began. “But I’m gonna cut the chase, I’m kinda annoyed too. Ever since you got back, Gojo has been sticking his snobby nose into my business” You explained. “Many of the missions he sends you in, I’m supposed to be there as well, but manage to get busy by then and not go”

“So you’re actively avoiding me?”

“Yes” You replied bluntly. “Mostly because Gojo is trying very hard to bring us back together. But no, I learned my lesson the first time” You said taking a sip to your scotch, feeling it smoothly sliding down your throat, no longer feeling the burn from the alcohol.

“I haven’t apologized for that…” Nanami began.

“Don’t” You interrupted him. “It’s better this way”

“Are you sure? Because you still seem to have an issue with it…” Nanami said, managing to read you like an open book like he always did. He still had that ability.

You glared at him, angrily as you opened your mouth to snap back at him, but your mind was foggy and a big portion of your brain was focused on the little details surrounding him. His black shirt, the first buttons undone. His thick wrists, one of them hiding underneath a fancy looking watch, his blond hair pushed back, his sharp features...And god, his smell. The smell of his cologne luring you in like a fly to honey. Since any words made it to your mouth, your next step was to take another sip.

“You’re drinking too fast” He pointed out.

“None of your business” You said standing up and taking your wallet out and leaving a few bills on the tale. “I’m out” You said coldly and walked out of the bar.

Nanami sighed, frustrated that he hadn’t managed to get anything out of interaction. Aside from the pretty clear fact that you disliked him. However, he didn’t think of the possibility of you resenting him so much because you still had feelings for him.

As you walked out of the bar, the chilly wind hit the back of your neck, making you shiver. You cursed, knowing it was going to make you feel drunker faster. You made your way to the school with long steps, trying to make it to your dorm before your last drink made it to your head. Despite the cold wind, the hot tears in your eyes in a way kept your face warm. As you tried to keep yourself from crying, you heard steps behind you.

“Wait” You heard Nanami’s voice calling behind you as you stopped on command, against your own will. You swallowed the lump on your throat and managed to keep the tears still in your eyes, as you refused to look at

him. “At least let me walk you home. You can’t walk on your own like this…”

“Oh, so now you care?” You said turning around and looking at him, giving him a smug smile. “You’ve changed” You scoffed bitterly.

“Please” He said, knowing better than trying to argue with you.

Your stare on him softened, as something within you urged you to say yes. To have more time with Nanami and maybe cling to the bittersweet memories you were constantly reliving since his return.

“Fine” You said, very much to his surprise. He smiled and walked closer to you with the gentle smile that had been haunting your dreams as of lately.

“C’mon. My car is not far from here…”

You stopped coldly as he mentioned a car. Taking a second look at him, you wondered how much he’d changed. He’d become an adult through and through, hadn’t he? While you were still a mess...Or so you thought. To Nanami’s eyes, you were a far better sorcerer and warrior than him. And he envied you for it.

“Are you actually going to take me to the school?” You asked, suddenly growing suspicious of him, as you’d had plenty of experiences with strangers on the street and knew better than going into someone’s car in a drunken state.

Not that you didn’t trust Nanami. You didn’t trust yourself drunk.

“I was actually thinking of taking you somewhere for dinner and then to the school” He said.

“Not hungry”

“No, but you’re drunk. It’ll sober you up, and tomorrow morning you’ll thank me when you wake up without a hangover” He said as he walked towards his car.

“I don’t have any more money on me” You lied, looking for an excuse to avoid spending any more than necessary with him.

“I didn’t ask you if you have money” He said boldly as he managed to make you smirk for the first time since his return.

“Smooth, Nanami. You’ve grown” You said as you followed him.

The walk to his car felt like your chest burnt far more than the alcohol ever did. It felt bitter, it hurt and was nauseating. Was it really it, or was it the alcohol finally catching up with you? Like flashes of instant memories being erased from your memory, the drive to a restaurant felt like a poorly edited foreign film. The car felt like some intense themed park ride as you felt dizzy with the alcohol whispering everything you missed about him. It was gross and it was sickening.

The Ramen sign on the outside on itself managed to sober you up a little by taking your mind off Nanami. As you followed him, clumsily standing on your feet, you sat on one of the tables and tried to make sense of the dancing letters in the menu. More flashes of memories were taken off your head, as you wondered what was happening and how drunk were you for you to start blacking out.

“Not good…” you muttered under your breath.

“Did you say something?” Nanami asked.

“No. Nothing”

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m not”

“You’ll feel better in a bit. Don’t worry…” He said softly as he sipped from a soda you didn’t know he had. When had he ordered it? You looked in front of you to the nice surprise that you had one too despite not knowing how or when. “I ordered some ramen for you. Something spicy...It’ll sober you up faster”

You chuckled as you looked at him.

“And how do you know that?” You asked with a cheeky tone as he smiled softly.

“Went drinking a lot with friends from work” He said. “I learned a few things here and there”

More brief black outs kept lazily painting a rather miserable painting in your memory. As you ate your ramen, you found yourself relaxing more and more. Was it the hot spicy broth? In the beginning, the balck outs weren’t getting any less frequent, however, as the night went by, you found yourself sobering up like he said. Soon, the black outs were gone, however you were still somehow locked in a haze. Although it made sense. The amount of booze as well as the short time, it was going to take a lot more than just one hot bowl of spicy ramen to get you back to a sober state.

The conversation kept flowing comfortably as both of you ate. It was reminiscent of the old days, nostalgic and somehow morbid. As the both of you tried to grasp at the old days when your worries were limited to school work. Catching up like old friends who hadn't seen each other, as if you didn’t have hard feelings for each other.

After having finished your food, Nanami paid for both of your meals and went back out into the cold night. The sky black, stars hidden by the streetlights as you made it to his car and finally noticed the silver color in it.

As he drove back to the school, you noticed he took a small detour, instantly setting alarms in your head.

“Where are we going?” You asked, your voice considerably serious as he noticed the change in tone from the pleasant talk they were having in the restaurant.

“There’s somewhere I’d like to go…” He said as he briefly looked at you and gave you a tender smile.

That smile made your heart uncomfortably skip a beat as you hated the effect he still had on you. You didn’t dare to ask any further as you slowly recognized the route he was taking. As he slowly took one of the roads towards the edge of the city close to the coast line. He stopped in a rather deserted place, as he got off the road and stopped the car.

Despite the lack of light, aside from the few streetlights, you knew exactly where you were. A whole in your chest opened dramatically as you felt your eyes tear up and happy memories attached to the location flooded your mind.

“Kento…” You said chuckling bitterly.

“When I said I wanted to apologize, I meant it…” He said as you clenched your jaw and looked out your window, avoiding his stare.

“And I told you I didn’t want to talk about it…”

“You’re still upset about it, I get it. And I don’t blame you” He began as he felt his heart beating hard in his chest. “Look at me, please”

You wanted to say something to him. But you knew you would break down crying as soon as you opened your mouth. You took a deep breath and without saying anything you looked at him. His dark brown eyes gazing into yours, as he was looking at you with a rather pained stare.

“You remember this place, don’t you?” He asked.

A bitter laugh escaped your lips as you clicked your seatbelt, getting it off.

“I’m done” You said dryly as you opened the door and got out of the car.

“No, [Name]. Please, wait” He said as he mirrored your movements and excited the car walking around it.

“Of fuckign course I know where I am, Kento” You barked as you walked away approaching the door. “I know where I lost my fucking virginity, okay?” You barked as you stopped coldly and looked at him, tears finally streaming off your face. “Look, I’ll make us a favour and summarize this conversation. Yes, you’re a fucking asshole for just taking off one day and completely disappearing. Yes, I’m still mad about it. No, I won’t take your apology. No, I don’t care about whatever shitty excuse you have for me to listen to you. You bringing me here out of all places isn’t going to change shit…” You spat all in one breath as you stopped and took a deep breath.

“I loved you, Kento. I really did. And it hurt to have you just dissipate like you were a hallucination or something...You were my first kiss, my first love, my first everything! And one day I lost all of that. You ruined sex for me!” You yelled angrily. “I could never hold, kiss or sleep with anyone, because at some point I’d see your stupid face, and then be incredibly underwhelmed because I would not enjoy sex. I can’t feel anything anymore, Kento...The only way I can actually enjoy those things is by getting drunk or high” You admitted. “I can’t walk into bookstores, nor eat sandwiches or diet coke, nor drink tea because all those things remind me of you. And yes, it’s lame that all these years later I still care about those things. And this is why I can’t forgive you” You cried, as your voice shook.

Nanami’s heart broke little by little at each one of your words. He knew he’d screwed up and had hurt you deeply. But he wasn’t aware of the actual impact. He clenched his jaw as he felt his chest tight and a lump on his throat. Now the drinking problem made sense. Gojo had painted it like you were an alcoholic, but it wasn’t exactly the case. So you’d gone to the bar to get it off with some stranger, probably pretending it was him.

The dizzying pain and weight of his mistakes blinded him for a second as he walked towards you as you kept bitterly complaining. As you tried to walk away, you made a very poor effort as he caught up with you and cupped your face in his hands, bringing you closer to him and shutting you up by pressing his lips against you.

The sudden surprise made your heart stop. Your mind turning numb and blank at once as you struggled to bring yourself to push him away. However, truth be told, you didn't want to push him away. The poor attempt to push him away was more than obvious. The strong fighter you were, barely making any physical effort. Nanami's hands wrapped around your back and pulled you close, squeezing you against him as he sighed into the kiss.

Finally kissing him back, you locked your lips against his desperately, eager to taste the lips you've been dreading in your dreams. Clinging to him like he was going to disappear again, a soft whimper escaped your mouth. Your chest pressing against him as he felt his own world getting blurry.

He broke the kiss pulling away as he pressed his forehead against yours.

“You have no idea how much I missed you” He whispered as you clung to him.

“I-I…” You stuttered, the words tasting bitter before they even made it to your mouth. “Fuck, I want you, Kento” You growled as he pulled you in, kissing you hungrily again.

His hands posessively clinging to you as he slowly guided you back to the car. One step at the time as you both melted in a hungry sour kiss. As you ran out of breath, you pulled away, gasping for air as you gripped his collar in your hands.

“I can’t hold back anymore” You said as you pulled away and grabbed his hand, walking back to his car.

Your words unleashed a shiver down his spine as his heart skipped a beat and raced like crazy, as his pants started feeling tighter on his crotch. He chuckled softly as he realized his own judgement seemed to have disappeared with that first kiss. And before you could even make it to his car, he gripped your hips and spun you around as he bumped his forehead against yours.

“I can’t either” He admitted as he guided you to the car’s hood and pulled you over it. Ass you sat on the warm hood, he got between your legs and you wasted no time wrapping them around his waist. He grunted softly feeling your crotch against his as you pulled him closer to seal your lips together.

As you soon were absorbed by the dizziness of your rising heat, his hand went to your bare thighs as he slowly caressed your skin, going up and lifting your skirt up in the process. A soft moan slid into his mouth as he gripped your ass softly and squeezed it. The way your skin got covered in goosebumps and how you jerked your hips made him moan in response.

It felt good, and intoxicating. The driving desire burning his insides. The feeling of desiring to taste you all over and have you shaking underneath him. God, he’d missed that particular rush of adrenaline. His body reacting to the deeply buried memories now loose. He felt like he was in the best high he’d experienced. Lightheadedness and presence in the moment, he hadn’t felt this alive in so long.

Your hands were slowly undoing his buttoned shirt and were quick to explore his warm skin. He pulled away from the kiss, gasping as he looked at you. Your devilish smile matching your hungry stare. You leaned forward kissing his neck, nibbling on his skin every now and then. His hand gripped your hair tightly, pulling it lightly, making you look up at him as he stared at you.

He leaned forward, kissing you once more, this time a lot more slow and a lot more tender. It was sweet and it was slow and it took you by surprise. You felt his sweet kiss begging you, still holding on to the feelings you both decided to drown unsuccessfully. It almost hurt. It was the kind of kiss that told you how much you missed and needed each other. How much you regretted the mistakes you’ve done.

As you melted against his lips, his hands slowly slid your panties off. You helped him lifting your hips a little but as you giggled against his lips.

“Eager?” You said with a playful smirk.

“You have no idea” He replied as he took off your panties and shoved them in his back pocket.

His hand made it back to your thigh, slowly going up until he palmed your hot sex. Stealing a gasp out of your mouth, he teasingly ran one of his fingers through your dripping slit, making him smile satisfied.

“I’m not the only one, huh?” He said as you looked at him with lustful eyes.

You took his glasses off and set them aside. You were about to go back to kissing his neck when he slid one finger inside of you effortlessly. A rather loud moan escaped your lips as you shut your eyes closed feeling your entire body tingle in a way you hadn’t felt in years. You smiled satisfied as you continued kissing his neck. Slowly, he got another finger inside. The delicious stretch of his second finger prompting you to bite his neck softly making him growl your name softly. His fingers explored the whole he knew so well, as he found your sweet spot almost by muscle memory. More moans came out of your throat sounding like music to his ears.

“Fuck, Kento” You hissed as you took off your top, not caring that you were outdoors and by the road. Up to this point, you were so pent up, you simply craved him like you’d never craved anything before.

Nanami wasted no time and kissed your neck, going down to your neck, gently biting your skin every now and then. Sucking delicately on your skin, leaving marks that wouldn’t last long. He pulle dhis fingers out of you, clinging to your body desperately. As you laid on the car’s hood, you devoured him with your lustful eyes, begging him to get on top of you. Wearing just your skirt by this point, Nanami groaned at the plain sight of you.

He undid his belt and his pants. Your hands playfully teasing your own body in an attempt to drive him crazier and crazier. He cursed under his breath as he couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled his painfully hard erection out of his pants. You watched hi, intrigued, stretching your hands towards him, gently gripping his dick. His breath hitched and you smiled proudly.

Nanami leaned over the car hood, slowly getting on top of you, his shaft resting on your belly as he looked at how much deep could he go inside of you. His tip almost reaching you belly button, as the idea alone made a shiver run down his spine.

"Please, Kento" you gasped, need dripping from your voice as you caressed his dick

He growled softly as he pulled away softly, aligning against your entrance and slowly going in. You gasped, pushing your head back and pressing your hips against his making him go deeper.

Hissing your name, he jerked his hips, his tip.kissing your cervix as sudden rush of pain jolted through your body, followed by pleasure. You dug your nails in his shoulders as he thrusted back and forth, hitting all the right spots. The sound of his gasps and grunts hypnotizing as you got wetter by the second. His length coated in your juices, echoing in lewd wet noises.

He was rough. He usually was. Back in student days, he was particularly rough. As quiet and collected as he seemed, he sure got his stress out if his body through wild sex.

Relentlessly pushing against you, stretching you in such a delicious way only he knew how. Strong and aggressive movements as your walls swallowed him whole every time, breathless moans escaping your lips with every push. The cool wind kissing your skin, only enhancing his warmth.

As you felt your orgasm progressively approaching, the realization of how addicted you were to him hit you. He was everything you desired. And it was wrong. Before the feeling of uneasiness started to sink in, a sudden electric rush ran through your body. Painfully and soothing, as you tightly clenched around himbsoon numbed your mind.

As you came around him, your walls sucked him in tightly, as he was right over the brink, your velvet flesh pushed him off the edge. He didn't have time to pull out. And honestly, he didn't want to pull out. The way your walls milked him felt delicious. As he rode you through your orgasm, filling you up as his head felt dizzy and the world was spinning faster than usual. His hot seed coating your insides, as you shut your eyes closed, feeling the very last of your orgasm fading away.

He pressed his forehead against yours. Loud pants echoing.

However, the world didn't quite return to its regular focus.

The rest of the night went by in a fuzzy hot mess of events. You returned to his apartment and kept feasting on each other, making up for the lost time. Both of you incredibly starved and needy, you desperately went at it over and over again. It was a rather long night. As you feared, no one made you feel as he did. All of him was addicting. His smell, his voice, his warmth, his skin...It didn’t matter how many strangers you fucked, or how drunk or high you were, he felt just right. He made you cum so easily, it seemed ridiculous everyone else couldn’t.

But you knew it was far more than that.

You were still deeply in love with him. No wonder why he had that effect on you. Just hearing his breathlessly gasp was enough to have you soaking wet and under his mercy. Between sweet kisses, fake promises and sweaty sex, he quite literally fucked you to oblivion. Until either of you could take it any longer and you two fell asleep in each other’s arms. It had been a long tiring night, as you knew many of your muscles were gonna be sore the next day. Your chest painted in red and blue bruises.

It was possibly one of the best night sleeps he’d had. In such a long time. The uncomfortable hole in his chest didn’t feel so wide now. Just like you, he didn’t know how much he actually needed you until now. His regrets, his guilt, the thoughts haunting him on how much of a jerk he’d been when he simply took off...All those feelings went away for a night. As he tasted the wonders of the universe under your skin. Feeling ecstatic and euphoric for the first time in years. However, nothing could’ve prepared Nanami for what he was about to experience when he woke up.

~

“What the hell is this?” Gojo asked as he waved around the folder you’d left a few hours earlier in the Headmaster’s office.

“Why the fuck do you care?” You said as you grabbed it, ripping it off his hands.

“You’re seriously leaving for Kyoto?” He whined.

“So my transfer was accepted? Great!” You said sarcastically as you opened the folder and saw the Headmaster’s seal at the bottom.

“What about Nanami-kun?” Gojo replied as the very last string of your patience snapped.

“Oh, fuck you, Gojo! You tried to force us back together, but it’s not going to happen” You snapped. “I’m done. I’m done with him, and I’m done with you sticking your nose in my business”

“Do you really think that running away will solve anything? You’ll still be depressed as hell”

“The less I know about him, the better” You said as you turned around, hot tears blurring your sight as you headed with long steps towards your room. “I don’t trust myself around him…” You whispered. “He’s my weakness Gojo, I can’t let that happen…” You said coldly.

You’d left that morning very early, before Nanami woke up. And you left leaving no trace of you ever being there. Unintentionally doing the same he did. It was unintentional because you hadn’t done it out of spite. Your thought process had been simply. You preferred to not have that conversation and simply leave without him noticing. You had had the exact same thought process Nanami had had all those years ago.

You didn’t waste time and soon started packing your things to leave for Kyoto right away.

#jjk smut #jjk fanfic #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen imagines #nanami kento #nanami x you #nanami kento imagines #nanami x reader #nanami angst #server collab

[xmyshya]

Shoved it: chapter I - Grind

summary: You don’t like skaters. They’re unruly, misbehaved and rude. But this one encounter just might change your view. genre: fluff warnings: tooth-rotting fluff (seriously, make a dentist appointment), slow burn, mutual pining betas: @vanille–kiss​ as always I'm eternally grateful to you, I love you lots a/n: Written for ANILYSIUM (former HQHQ) Server Collab with the prompt “Meet Ugly”. Check the event’s masterlist here! series navi: masterlist | next wc: 1.4k

Books. You love everything about them - the scent of the ink, the feeling and texture of paper under the pads of your fingers, the sound of pages being turned, the way how 26 letters bloom as a whole new world in your mind.

It’s a beautiful spring day, one that carries the warmth of sunshine and scent of freshly revived greenery in the air. Birds are chirping sweet love songs, you’re wearing your favourite flowy dress, gentle breeze makes the short stray strands that slipped from your bun tickle your nape.

On a day like this, it’s extra hard not to bury your nose in the tome you carry around these days. Technically, you know you should pay attention to your surroundings, especially when you’re walking and not sitting on the bench, but it’s just getting to the good part, where the thief prince is about to steal a kiss (and a heart) of the princess and -

Huh?

It’s a beautiful spring day, the sun is finally out, no sight of rain clouds, no school today, absolute freedom. Which is why Suna Rintarou is rushing to the park, using his worn skateboard for the first time this year. He surely hopes he hasn’t gotten rusty with the break, but damn does it feel good.

The wind is ruffling his bangs that stick out from underneath his beanie, and it makes him want to go faster, faster, and maybe, just maybe, he might be able to fly. Or at least jump really well. So he pushes again and again, despite moving at a decent speed already.

There are stairs nearby, and Rin feels today is the day he beats his record at how far he can land. He’s approaching it fast, the top is right there, he can see it, so he pops the board and then shoves it, his ankle at a perfect angle, and shit, if it ain’t the perfect pop shuvit, and fuck, he’s middle air and knows he’s gonna fuck it up.

Because at the bottom, right where he predicts he’ll land, there’s you. A cute girl, with her hair and dress flowing with the wind, eyes trained on a book in her hands, and she doesn’t even see him.

Which is why he crashes with you, having enough mind clarity to push his board in another direction and cover the back of your head with his hand, before he falls on top of you on the pavement. You blink at him with a confusion clear in your gaze, almost as if you don’t know where you are. He smirks at you lazily, and in his most seductive voice lets out a,

“Hi.”

You still look at him with those huge doe eyes, like a little lost lamb, and he would love to sink his teeth in your flesh like a big bad fox. The boy opts for helping you up, instead. He can do that other thing some other time. As you shake off the dirt from your dress, he opens his mouth to say something more, but he’s met with

“What the hell?! That was dangerous! You could have hurt somebody! Have you thought about it? This is a public place, you… you… you punk!”

He’s staring at you dumbfounded, surprised at your sudden outburst. Definitely not what he expected after protecting you from the impact, and definitely not after presenting you his best smirk, the one that has every girl swooning. Suna shakes off his haze when you reach the top of the stairs, and mumbles at the sudden realisation.

“But… I’m not a punk?”

-----------------------------------

You’re running. Your feet hurt, lungs burn, and you don’t really see where you are or where you’re headed, but it’s better than getting caught by palace watchmen. The hand around your wrist has a tight grip, as you’re dragged through narrow dark alleys. Suddenly, the man in front pulls you behind a corner, his arm wrapped around your waist, both your chests heaving against each other.

“Are you okay, Princess?” He asks, voice still a little breathy from the exercise, and you nod. “I think the guards are gone now.”

“Are you the Prince of the Thieves?” His smirk grows wide in the shadows.

“I did steal you from the palace, did I not?” His face is coming dangerously close, olive eyes boring into yours. “If you’re not careful, I might steal your heart as well.”

His breath is fanning over your lips as he whispers the last sentence, you part your mouth…

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Shit.

Wait, why did the Prince have the face of that punk?

***

Luckily the bus you take to school isn’t crowded. You squeezed yourself into a window seat with earphones completely sealing you off from the surroundings. Hopefully upbeat music will be enough of the distraction from the weird dream. Hopefully.

Relaxed, you close your eyes and sing along in your mind, tapping the rhythm on your thigh. You let your mind wander, as you imagine yourself dancing to the song, feeling the endorphins pump through your veins.

Until an image of those greyish-yellow eyes glinting in the darkness flash in your head.

Well, shit.

***

If there was any hope of relief from being haunted by that intense gaze at school, it’s gone now. As a top student you were always focused on lessons, always ready with an answer for any question; but today it’s completely the opposite.

First, you somehow managed to forget a basic algebraic formula. While solving a problem on the board. The class was shocked, the teacher was not impressed, you were embarrassed… Still feeling the heat of shame hours later.

Then you completely spaced out, forcing the English teacher to repeat your name over and over, telling you to continue reading a text. And you didn’t even know which part you should continue from.

After that came chemistry, and you nearly blew up the lab after messing up the proportions of ingredients. Why were you so affected by some punk you didn’t even know? Why were you seeing those damn eyes everywhere? Even in the cafeteria, at the table across from yours, that boy also has those eyes.

Wait, no. Oh no.

You’re staring at him unabashedly, silently praying to be wrong, waiting for something, anything, to prove that it’s not the person from the park. It doesn’t come, but the heavens curse you instead.

In a slow motion you observe how his eyes meet yours, and as if it wasn’t bad enough, he smirks. You make off the cafeteria so quickly, that you nearly trip over your own two feet. Seriously, what did you even do to deserve this punishment?

It’s Monday again, and Suna would rather stay at home and sleep. But he has to show up to class, so he reluctantly crawls out of the bed, throws on his uniform, and after brushing his teeth leaves the house. It’s such a drag, honestly. Nothing interesting ever happens.

Rintarou nearly dozes off on the bus, the steady hum of the engine and gentle rocking serving as a lullaby. But he can’t sleep, he can’t miss the stop and be late again. So he forces himself to watch the monotonous scenery on the other side of the window.

As predicted, the day goes by slowly. There’s nothing amusing about listening to those old peoples’ rambling on subjects nobody even cares for. Like hell he’s gonna need inorganic chemistry or classical Japanese. So Rin is sitting at his desk, chin in the palm, thinking how it’s a waste of perfectly fine weather for skating.

Finally, the lunch break comes and he drags his feet behind Miya twins to the cafeteria. It’s not his favourite place, it’s crowded and loud, but his buddies fighting over food makes it worth the hassle. They’re doing this right now, Osamu trying to steal his brother’s onigiri, while Atsumu attempts to poke the other boy’s hands with chopsticks.

Suddenly Rin feels somebody’s intense gaze. It’s not like he’s not used to it, girls usually stare at them lovingly, but this feels different. Curious, he glances in the direction he thinks it comes from and sees… you; barely aware of the smirk curling his lips. But then you run off, probably flushed. That must be it, right?

Suna feels like he hit a jackpot.

#haikyuu x reader #suna x reader #suna rintarou x reader #suna fluff #suna rintarou fluff #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #suna x y/n #suna rintarou x y/n #hq x reader #hq x y/n #hq fluff #anilysium server collab #shoved;it #mysh.whitedwarf.[hq]

[jaywritesfics]

Since requests are open could I get platonic c!Tommy x female! reader?

Okay, so reader is almost perfect Technoblade copy. She is god at PvP, genius tactician and can build very well.

She never settles down, or at least it seems like it. She has a base far in the nether, hidden from everyone but not many know that. To people it seems like she is always on her way, gathering resources and training, always on the move.

One day, she saves smol (like 9-13 year old Tommy) from mobs and decides to help him with training (reader is already an adult). They form a parent-child bond and reader becomes this mother figure to him. However, reader after some time wants to leave, and does so, some time before events of the smp starts. She was kind of controlling the whole situation, as in as long as she was there she was the mediator for everyone, basically unofficial ruler of the server. The moment she disappeared, everything crumbled.

So, time skip to Tommy's exile when his mental and physical health is declining, reader returns from her adventures and stumbles upon him. She is angered at what had happened and after taking care of him and making sure to bring him to the normal state, she goes straight to the cities to bring back balance by kicking some ass.

I'm leaving ending up to you, hopefully it won't be this complicated

Good luck ❤️❤️❤️

OMG I LOVE THIS!!! I’m sorry if this seems a bit rushed... (Because it was...) I really wanted to get this done before the school week because I have so much stuff to do. I will make a second part since this was kinda short and not the entire story I had planned. I will try to get the second part out as soon as I can but for now I hope you enjoy this! I hope I did your request justice!

|Burning Pile |Part.1| Platonic c!Tommy x Reader|

Warnings?: Swearing, Angst, and mentions of suicide.

Request?: Yes!  Thanks lukerycyja for the request!

Pronouns?: None used but female reader implied. Also sorry if this isn’t completely accurate to the canon smp storylie its been so long since I’ve watched any of Tommyinnits Lore streams due to school work, so please cut me slack if I messed up on any of that stuff...0-0 

Extra notes?: Part two is on it’s way soon!

“Shit…” You’ve been traveling the surface for hours and you just now realized you forgot your axe at your base. You groan in annoyance and find a nearby tree and sit down to relax because your feet had started to hurt and you open your bag and take out some apples to eat. You usually come to the surface every other month for food and resources, as you live in the nether and it doesn’t have cows and pigs… Well unless you can call those Piglin actual pigs.

“Okay,” You begin to say to yourself, 

“I forgot my axe and now I have to go all the way back to my portal…*sigh*, why do I do this to myself?” You take a bite of your apple and you just sit and take in the scenery. When you spot a couple of tree stumps and a wood wall not too far away from where your sat.

 “Oh shit.” You say aloud, dropping your apple. You hear the sound of humming coming from behind the wall and you stand up to hurry and get out of there…You never interact with anyone… your by yourself all the time... You used to have company though. A little boy you saved so many years ago. Tommy. His name was Tommy. You basically raised him for years… He was like a son to you. You trained him to fight and fend for himself when he eventually grew up and didn’t need you anymore. You haven’t seen him since you decided to leave. Why did you leave? You can’t quite remember. You hear a voice coming from behind the wall… it sounds so familiar. You near the wall and you place an ear against it to listen in on whoever is behind it. 

“Why Tubbo? Why. Why? Why?” The voice sounds even more familiar than before, Is it who you think it is? If so, who's Tubbo? Maybe it’s not him… It couldn’t be… You walk around and spot an opening and you peer around the corner. You see the backside of the person. Short yet untamed blonde hair, Red and white tore shirt and ripped tan pants. It’s him… It has to be… You step inside the structure, tears rolling down your face. 

“Tommy?” You say in a shaky voice. He turns around eyes wide. He has bags under his eyes, and the once light blue color has faded to blue-tinted grey. He stares at you and his jaw drops. A single tear falls from his eye then he shuts his mouth and turns away covering his ears with his hands.

“Dream whatever sick game you're playing I’m not falling for it! One of these days so help me I’ll kill you!”  Dream? Who is… Shit, You’ve been gone so long you can’t seem to remember a single damn other person. 

“Tommy, I don’t know who Dream is but… it’s me… Y/n… I- I’m sorry for leaving I just…”

“Just stop!” He throws a sword at your head but it just misses you and hits the wall beside you. 

“Now come on I taught you better than that…” You say to him, walking up to him and kneeling down to look him in the eyes. 

“It’s really me Tommy-” You try to finish your sentence but he already has his arms wrapped around you. You can feel teardrops falling on your shoulders and you can’t help but start crying too.

“Y/n… I missed you! Why did you have to leave! You bitch!” He hugs you tighter as he speaks, more tears rolling down his face.

“I’m sorry Tommy I just… I don’t remember… and- I- I’m sorry…” Your makeshift “family reunion” is interrupted by an arrow flying past both your heads. You stand up and turn around to see a tall man in a green hoodie with a mask with some silly face on it. It must be that Dream guy Tommy was talking about. 

“Who the fuck are you bitch?” He says pointing his crossbow at you. 

“What did you just call me? Also, a 5-year-old called, he wants his arts and crafts project back.” You say, he tenses up and takes a step forward.

“Leave now or I’ll put an arrow in your head, bitch.” He adjusts his crossbow and you reach for the bow and arrow on your back and in an instant you fire an arrow at him, piercing his arm. 

“Now I could have put it through your head but I like to look my victims in the eyes when I kill them… it's more fun that way.” You tell him with a huge grin on your face. He drops his crossbow and pulls the arrow out of his arm and takes an ender pearl out of his pocket and throws it in the distance and he disappears within seconds. You look behind you to see Tommy shocked and crying. You kneel down, pick him up and start walking him over to what seems to be his bed. You set him down and give him one of the apples in your bag. 

“Are you okay Tommy? You don’t seem well.” You tell him, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

“I’m- I’m fine-” He tries to get his words out but he passes out and you quickly pick him up and hold him in your arms. You can still feel him breathing so you don’t worry too much, but you also can’t help but cry. You lay him down and you put his blanket over him. You decide that he probably is just stressed out and needs sleep so you let him rest. You take this time to hunt down some cows and pigs for food. You walk around paranoid that Dream might come back and try to hurt you or Tommy. You bag about 2 cows and 4 pigs and just as you return from hunting you see Tommy sitting on the bed with his face buried in his hands. You drop your kills and you walk over to sit down on the bed beside him. 

“You feel a bit better? If so then I gotta ask you… What are you doing alone out here all by yourself? You’re only like what, 16 at most? When I left, you had friends and other allies… how did you end up all alone?” You question him, he looks at you angered,

“How did I end up alone? How did I fucking end up alone?” He then stands up and starts to yell at you,

“You fucking left me! You left me with nothing but a couple of years of bloody sword training and the mentality of a soldier! I thought you actually cared for me like a son… But no, you just saw me as another helpless little boy who needed your guidance… Well, I don’t need your help! I can’t be helped! I’m the one who got exiled. I’m the one whose friends betrayed him!” His voice goes from a yell to a soft stern voice.

“I tried to build a nation… It was amazing... but I fail at everything. It crumbled...I should have never even tried… I should have offed myself when I had the chance…” He’s on the floor on his knees, sobbing with his head in his hands again. You stand up from the bed and kneel down to hug him. 

“Tommy… I’m so sorry that that’s how you felt about it… I had no idea how I really affected you… Tommy… I- I’m so sorry… I do love you like a son Tommy... And you’re the best son anyone could ask for… your not a failure, you deserve to live… but may I ask…”

You release him from the hug and look at him in the eyes,

“What do you mean by exiled?” (you decide to skip over the whole “build a nation” part, because you really aren’t surprised by it.) 

“Tubbo- I mean Dream. Well… They banished me from L’manberg they banished me from my home!  They banished me here to live on my own… I have nothing…”

“You don’t have nothing… You have me. I’ll help you, Tommy.” Your blood boils. They banished Tommy... Why? You don’t care… either way, you’re going to kill them… Whoever this Tubbo guy is… Your gonna kill him and Dream. You stand up and bring Tommy to his feet and wipe away his tears. 

“Go practice your sword throwing Tommy, I’ll make us some dinner.” You say as you walk over to the sword he had previously attempted to throw at you and take it out the wall.

“Hey, my sword throwing is great!” 

“Heh.. sure.” You hand him his sword and he groans jokingly and he walks outside and starts throwing his sword at some tree. You chuckle at the sight and you start to prepare your guy’s meal. You also grab your own sword and examine it. You sigh,

“Those bitches are gonna get what’s coming to them…” You whisper to yourself under your breath.

“Hey y/n! I hit my target!” Tommy yells to you.

“Good Tommy! I’m proud of you…”

#tommy mcyt #platonic tommyinnit x reader #mcyt fanfiction #platonic mcyt fanfiction #dream team #fanficion request

[appleflavoredkitkats]

Do you have any more info on the fiance situation in Las Nevadas au? :-D or just anything in that au in general (only if you want tho sbajjdkfL) since its vv cool <3 /p

▪︎Beep

i've talked about the fiances before but i'm down to expound on it a little further :DDD this is kinda half assed but still long so MSJDJD

tw: self-destructive behavior, memory loss, breakups (not too horrible i promise)

/dsmp /rp

quackity is definitely immensely hurt by his loved ones leaving him. it ruins him. he feels like his heart is left to bleed out every single day he sees that no one from the south is coming over. he has a telescope atop his hotel, the tallest building, which he uses to look closely at the south (where kinoko kingdom lies). on his free days, or sometimes in the afternoon when he doesn't attend the events, he sits on the roof and looks out at a distance.

i think the longest he's been out on the roof was when karl messaged their chat through the communicator. it was a simple “where am i”, and quackity was quick to respond. he instructs karl to go to las nevadas, assuming he was lost, so he basically cancelled every gig he had to observe his surroundings.

(turns out, he never came. quackity sat on that roof for 15 hours before he was pulled away by fundy.)

but their abandonment was never intentional. quackity knows there has to be something more to it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

he at least also got word from sapnap. after much encouragement from schlatt, quackity finally was brave enough to send him a message. first, he sent a simple “sapnap? where have you been”, then a more desperate “what happened to us?”.

sapnap replies almost immediately that it threw quackity off, “been around, adventuring, getting away from things.” then the second one took a bit longer, “not gonna lie, i thought our engagement was off ever since we kinda. stopped talking to one another. you kind of left us, didn't you?”

and quackity is hurt. he's baffled, he's irritated, but he's fucking livid. schlatt has told him multiple times that he needs to control his anger a little bit better, but in times like this, no matter how petty it may be, he wanted to fucking wreck his room. and so he did— first he threw his communicator against the wall. it was still salvageable, so quackity decided to grab his glowstone lamp and toss it against the communicator. he flips his dresser, throwing it against his bed, and it bounces off and destroys his cabinet. when he looks at his right, he sees a window, and he raises his fist to punch—

and someone is grabbing back. “q, quackity, alex, please,” schlatt pleads. when did schlatt get to his room? “come on, self-destruction is my kind of thing,” schlatt adds, and it summons a smile from quackity's lips before a sob tears out. and it doesn't stop. quackity cries— and he doesn't cry often, especially in front of his coworkers or family or whatever they are. he hates it, he hates emotions— he tried to fucking suppress it all in las nevadas because all of this, all of these casinos and hotels and bars are meant to be his coping mechanism, his distraction. the tears always finds a way to seep through, though.

eventually, they do crumble to the ground, and they sit like that for a while. quackity crying against schlatt's blazer as schlatt merely rubs comforting circles on his back. eventually, fundy does come in with some snacks and a deck of cards, and it was enough for quackity to at least feel better for the rest of the day.

on another day, where quackity was supposed to have fun partying around and doing the same old shit he does every other day, a mysterious green, whorled portal appears in the middle of his casino. most of the staff and the customers stand back, but from the portal, a white-clad brunette falls from it. he doesn't look all to phased by his fall, but when he stands, he realizes the predicament he's in and immediately stiffens awkwardly.

quackity knows him. that's karl— the karl who somehow disappeared from the server for so long that quackity forgot he even fucking existed. what happened to him? why is he all white? why have his eyes become spirals? what's going on?

“hi,” karl greets casually, but his eyebrows are furrowed awkwardly, “uhm, where am i?”

“karl?” quackity says immediately. he stands in uncertainty before fundy nudges at him to go closer whispering “talk to karl, i'll be in charge of the event.” fundy claps twice and immediately announces that their slot machines will double in payout for the next hour, and the crowd immediately goes wild. karl seems a bit lost by the noise, but quackity quickly grabs him away from the crowds and out to the streets.

“gee, those people were. eager to waste their money. gosh darn rich people,” karl says, and quackity laughs, but his smile immediately drops when karl adds,” nevermind them, i guess, but uh, who are you, exactly?"

and quackity's heart churns. he's heard of a few memory loss cases in their server—it's quite scary to hear how common it's become to just lose yourself entirely—but he didn't think it'd apply to karl. he doesn't even know where karl has BEEN all this time. what happened? why does karl not remember? does sapnap know about this?

quackity decides to not reveal much immediately, so he puts on his typical charming façade and replies, “i'm quackity, or alex, any will do. i'm the owner of this place— las nevadas. it's a place for gambling, drinking, and well, fun! do you, uh, do you remember me?"

quackity sees karl visibly shift awkwardly, and it does summon a sigh out of quackity. “guess you don't, huh?” he says sardonically.

“time travelling kinda... ruins you, sometimes,” karl replies

time travelling...? is... is that what made karl leave? not make karl remember? when in the ever living hell did karl, the nicest, sweetest man he knows, ever been allowed to time travel?

“oh,” he just says instead, “well, uh, i was a close friend of yours."

"oh?" karl replies, “kinda like uhm, uh, do you know sapnap? or george."

damn. quackity's façade immediately melts— how does he know about them and not HIM? why did karl remember them and not quackity? why was he forgotten? quackity immediately hisses, turns away and responds, “i'm giving you a free hotel room for the night and i'm calling sap to pick you up. just walk seventy blocks to your right and talk to manifold, or something, christ you fucking irritate me.” he knows karl probably won't understand, and he knows he's breaking this already broken relationship even more, but he can't... he can't look at them the same way anymore.

karl does get to a hotel room, and quackity does visit him just to make sure everything is alright. thankfully, fundy did repair his communicator after his last tantrum, and he uses it to tell sapnap to pick karl up from las nevadas. sapnap doesn't ask where it is— he simply tells him “ok” and goes offline.

when sapnap arrives, he doesn't look as miffed as quackity expected him to be. he looks... well, definitely more composed than him and karl, but he still looked a bit tired. he has some new scars, but quackity guesses sapnap probably wasn't lying when he said he was out adventuring. before quackity could greet sap, sapnap enters the room abruptly and karl practically throws himself at sapnap.

and jealousy is a fickle thing, isn't it? quackity's heart is still torn, it's still bleeding, and it continues to do so the longer he stares at the sight of the other two. he withholds a scowl, mostly because he knows he might go on another temper tantrum if he doesn't, and he also knows he can't... he can't get mad at them. he's waited forever for this moment.

“wow,” quackity murmurs, and sap turns to him, “things really have changed."

sapnap sighs, “we built you a house in kinoko, but you never came."

"and i made las nevadas entirely for you as well." quackity responds, “i guess it's just... unfortunate timing, and all." it's silent for a few moments until, “i'm sorry”.

sapnap's look softens, “i'm— i'm sorry too.”

there's so much more words to say, things to clarify, stories to catch up on, but quackity wonders how worth it it is to cling onto his past. karl and sap's visit is quite... underwhelming, to say the least. but maybe it isn't underwhelming at all— maybe he just found a new purpose outside of them, and he's just... moved on. it hurt, obviously, but when he looks out of karl's hotel room window, he sees las nevadas. he sees the casinos he's designed for schlatt and fundy, and the bars he's designed for jack and sam, and the stages he's designed for charlie— it's just... different now. he loves karl and sapnap still, of course, but he's also been hurt by them, and he's grown into a different person from that hurt. he thinks sapnap has grown the same way as well.

but still, “you know you're invited to las nevadas if you ever want to visit again,” quackity offers with a melancholic smile.

sapnap sighs, but he mimics quackity's smile and nods, “i'll consider it.” sapnap pauses for a bit, then, “thank you for everything, quackity— i really do mean it. i hope... i hope you enjoy the life you've made for yourself here, kinda looks cool,” sapnap says, and his words were very soft and genuine— something quackity needed to end this chapter of his life with them.

“thank you too, i hope you guys do well too. take care,” quackity says, and sapnap and karl take their leave with simple goodbyes.

it isn't exactly forgiveness or getting back together but it's... closure. quackity's journey up to this point isn't exactly all smiles and rainbows, but he's happy where he is now. he just hopes sapnap, karl, and george are feeling the same as well.

#mcyt #dream smp #quackity #sapnap #karl jacobs #jschlatt #fundy #famberg las nevadas au #long post

[ficklewish]

Beneath the Mask

Kuroo Tetsuro x Reader

Word count: 1.1k

Genre: Fluff with a side of crack

Prompt: "it's 3am, why are you at my window"

a/n: this is part of a collab with a discord server I'm in! 🥰 Be sure to check out everyone else's work! Also, I recommend listening to Beneath the Mask while reading, which is a persona 5 song~

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・゜

10:30 pm

You had just gotten home from a long day at work, and you were so so very tired, and all you wanted to do was sleep. However, you knew that you wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, as you had made the smart decision to drink coffee a few minutes ago. Knowing that sleep was a no go tonight, you booted up your PS4, ready to play Persona 5 Royal until you tire yourself out. (y'all should play it, it SLAPS) Of course, you took small breaks through playing to use the restroom or to get a snack. Thinking back to what happened in your day, you wondered why today was so tiring. There were no bad customers, it was a slow day, your coworkers weren't doing too much for once, and all the machines worked. It was even better that your best friend and long time crush, Kuroo, had come in and ordered. Of course, he talked to you all the while, and you couldn't stop blushing because of him. Maybe you were just tired due to taking the night shift. Shaking the thought away, you just tried to relax a bit now by playing your game. Or at least you tried to, as you heard a small tap on your window. Getting a bit spooked, you turned towards the window, hoping to see what it was. Only seeing the branches from the tree right outside it, you turn back to your game, paying it no mind. The taps had continued, growing a bit louder each time, and you began to grow paranoid. 

'What if it's not the tree branch? What if someone is trying to get my attention to break in? What if-'

Your train of thought was stopped short as you heard a loud smack on your window, louder than before, and then one last one, that caused your window to break. Forgetting about your fear, you grew angry, and went to look out your window. Down below, was a shocked looking Kuroo, who seems to have realized what he's done. 

"H-hey, Y/N…"

"Don't hey me Kuroo, you broke my window! Besides, it's 3 am, why are you at my window?!"

You could see him slightly wince at the mention of the window. 

"I didn't think it would break! You weren't answering when I was throwing small rocks, so I thought they weren't loud enough and threw bigger ones."

"Y'know, for being a chemistry major, you're really small brained sometimes Kuroo."

The guilty look on his face quickly changed into a smirk. That same damn smirk that you fell in love with. You hated it, but you loved it. You could feel the confidence oozing off of Kuroo. 

"Oh? So you acknowledge that I'm smart?"

"Hush, would a smart chemistry major throw larger rocks at a window?"

"I'm a chemistry major, not a physics one."

Rolling your eyes, you usher Kuroo to your front door, signaling that the door would be open for him. You see him start jogging to your door, so you quickly run to it and unlock it, heading towards the kitchen to give him a quick snack as it was pretty late into the night, and knowing him, he most likely forgot to eat something small before coming to your home. Slicing up a few strawberries and putting them in a bowl, you hold onto it as you hear the door open. 

"Honey, I'm home~."

Kuroo takes off his shoes as you walk towards him, and it was then that you noticed the bouquet of flowers he was holding. You blushed at the thought of him getting them for you, but brushed the thought aside, not wanting to get your hopes up. Now in front of him as he finished taking off his shoes, Kuroo looks at you, then hands the bouquet to you. Looking at the bouquet of pink and red camellias, you take them, and look back up at Kuroo. 

"For me?"

"Who else?"

A fierce blush had taken over your face, and you smelled the flowers in an attempt to hide it. Unfortunately, Kuroo had noticed it before you could hide it, and a small smirk had adorned his face, but for your dignity, he pretended to not notice, and instead turned his attention to the small bowl of strawberries. 

"My strawberries."

Snatching the bowl from your hand while you calmed yourself down, you put the bouquet on the kitchen table and faced Kuroo. 

"So, what brings you here Kuroo?"

"You looked really out of it while you were working, I thought I could help bring you back. 

"At 3 am?"

"I was planning for 9 pm, but I fell asleep."

You blinked once, shook your head, and then gestured for him to follow you to your room. Sitting on your bed, you forgot that you were still playing Persona 5, but decided to leave it on as the current soundtrack playing was soothing. Kuroo sits a bit away from you, the strawberries finished, and he just…stares at you. Becoming self conscious of how you look, you shift in place. 

"W-what? Is there something on my face?"

"Yeah…don't move."

Kuroo places a hand on your cheek and leans in, and you close your eyes and hope he can't see the blush on your face. You feel his thumb swipe over your bottom lip, and you slightly crack open your left eye. You see Kuroo move his face towards yours, his head slightly tilted to the side. 

'Wait, is he gonna kiss me? Shit I'm not ready, my breath probably stinks. What if I mess up? What if it's bad? WHAT IF HE'S NOT-'

Your train of thought is cut short when you feel something warm on your lips. Your eyes flew open, and you saw Kuroo directly in front of you, eyes closed and his lips on yours. They were soft and warm, you couldn't help but melt into it, kissing him back. He pulls away too soon for your tastes, but you decide to leave it be. Opening your eyes, you stare at him and he stares back. The music in the background created a comfortable atmosphere, so comfortable in fact, that you blurted out what first came to mind. 

"You're pretty Kuroo…"

He cackles, his iconic hyena laugh bouncing off the walls of your room. You begin to laugh with him, his laughter contagious. After calming down, Kuroo takes you into his arms and falls back onto your bed, his chin resting on the top of your head. It felt as though you were on a cloud, a warm fuzzy cloud. 

"You know you're gonna have to pay for the window, right?"

"Ah, fuck."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・゜

a/n: jebrbeb I hate how this turned out 😔 please check out everyone else's work from this collab!

#haikyuu!! #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #hq kuroo #hqBNHASanctuary

[astralastrid]

USUK/UKUS survey by @americapersonified

Tagged by @hariible so here we go!

In what decade did they officially become involved?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

The fics have ruined me. So I'd probably say during or after WWII. Plus that's when the "Special Relationship" was coined.

Who tops? (USUK or UKUS?)

*Looks at the UKUS server I made* idk you tell me

Honestly though Arthur probably has more relationship experience, so he's more confident and willing to take the lead. Alfred is actually secretly shy and modest about this stuff! (I mean, I do think we Americans are more conservative and modest when it comes to romance?) Plus like, Alfred finally feels like he can trust someone and let them take care of him, that he's loved when the whole world mocks him... Whoops got a little angsty there

Was either of them a virgin before their first hookup?

It's time for me to unveil my demi!America headcanon that's just me projecting aw yeah

Alfred is. He actually thought he was ace before he met Arthur because he was never interested in that kind of stuff, preferring to cuddle instead. But once he met Arthur he trusted that he'd take care of him and stuff and wanted to try it.

If not, to whom did each lose his virginity?

Alfred to Arthur.

Arthur to? Idk Francis probably? I do see FrUk as like, a past thing. Along with SpUk and PortEng. So one of them probably.

(Read more bc LONG post)

Are they more patient with each other in private, or do they bicker/tease each other all the time?

Haha projection time 2.0

Bro, like, a good relationship should have teasing anyway (unless your partner isn't ok with it!) so definitely. But Alfred actually gets self-conscious about the things that Arthur teases him about so he has to stop and tell him how much he loves him and stuff. But in general they're more patient because they've come to understand each other and love the other's quirks.

Will they ever get married?

Yeah but after a while. Alfred wants to do it right away but Arthur rejects him, saying that the don't need rings to prove that they love each other. He promises he will eventually. I like to think after gay marriage legalized in the States they celebrated by getting married.

If so, where will the wedding be held? (Add other details if you wish.)

Hopeless romantic Ame time!

Can you have more than one ceremony? No? Oh well. Summer wedding in America, Fall Wedding in England. I don't know much about wedding planning but I read a headcanon that was like "their vows were so beautiful it made everyone cry" and I support that. Both of them cry during the other's too. Lots of tears shed on both sides during everything. Lots of white and silver and gold because yeah. None of this stupid "one of them wears a dress" business. Like, it's ok for a relationship to be masc/masc and fem/fem like don't heteronormalize it. So two tuxes. Probably no "walking down the aisle?" Maybe they both come in from the sides idk. A cheer when they kiss. "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis is their first dance. Arthur probably sings "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" after their first dance. Wedding cupcakes is galaxy brain so wedding cupcakes. Multiple flavors.

At whose house do they most often stay together?

Alfred's. It's larger anyway.

Do they refer to each other by their nation names or human names?

Human names. Nation only for business.

What pet names do they have for each other?

Arthur: Love, (The most common one) Darling, Dearest, Dear, Poppet (2nd most common) Alfie (extremely rare, or when drunk. Alfred adores when he calls him this though.)

Alfred: Babe, Baby, Artie, Art, Honey, Sweetie, Sweetiepie, Sweetheart, Sweetcheeks.

Who drives?

Both, Alfred loves to drive! But Arthur gets nervous because Alfred can drive like a New Yorker, (that is, aggressively, quickly, a bit dangerously, lots of honking from him and others) especially when he's in a rush or late, and god help everyone when he has road rage.

So Arthur judges the mood and insits if he knows Alfred is probably gonna drive like that.

Is Alfred good at making Arthur’s tea?

Dude of course. It's never quite perfect of course, but you don't date someone for decades without learning how to make their lifeline. In this vein Arthur also knows how to make Alfred's coffee. (And since this isn't a question, Alfred likes it blacker than black in the mornings, and all sugared and creamered up after work and in the evenings.)

It’s universally accepted that Arthur sucks at cooking. Does Alfred enjoy cooking? Is he good at it? Or does he usually stick to McDonald’s and fast food?

Ok yeah but I headcanon Arthur can bake, like really well. Ok yeah I know about his scones but maybe he's just bad at making those specifically.

Alfred loves to cook. He loves to grill even more. But he likes to experiment and try new stuff and he's damn good at it (because cooking is just another science!) So his meals are like comfort food. Almost restaurant quality. Boy could be a chef. But he also loves his fast food and instants. (Kraft's Mac and Cheese is so good.) And yeah he loves Mickey D's but have y'all ever been to like, Noodles and Company or Sonic? Like, there are some GOOD fast food joints and I'm sure he loves them all. Arthur probably doesn't like burger joints but does like places like Panera.

Do they shower together? (Often; not specifically for sex.)

Sometimes? Idk man it's hard as shit to wash your back so yeah? Also the tenderness of giving your lover a bath? I'm🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Who smells better? (In your opinion.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

People just smell like, people, and to the other they each smell like home.

How vocal are they in bed?

Alfred’s so LOUD lmao. But Arthur loves it. If he was more of a memelord he'd record and make a remix of his sounds.

Who has the more active libido?

Definitely Arthur.

Is spending time together easy, or are they forced apart for long periods at a time?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't know how politics work? Do important government officials have to be there in person for meetings?

Let's have two senarios here:

Let's say they do, and they have to be apart for periods of time. Both the boys have separation anxiety and HATE being apart, so there's always the fear and the paronia and concern when they are apart, and they have almost daily video chats. It's really hard on both of them. They text and call often too. They miss the other dearly. When they reunite they kiss and cuddle like they need it to survive. They're much more affectionate with each other and spend every moment they can together to "recharge" before the "hyper-affectioness" goes down. Leaving is super difficult. Lots of tears and hugs, promises to be back asap, longful stares and apologies. Cursing their job and such. Desire to quit or face the consequences and just stay. (Which is completely blocked by the other.)

Let's say somehow they work something out and they can spend long amounts of time together with minimal travel. Sometimes they get into fights or just get on each other's nerves or just need some alone time. Alfred will go run or excercise while Arthur goes to a café until they're ready to make up/miss and want to see the other. Business trips help keep tensions low, but they're still painful.

Are they wealthy? Or do they live modestly?

I’d say like average people. Arthur probably likes it a bit more tasteful and stylish though, so little hints of wealth. Also, Arthur basically has a library for his book collection that acts as his study and Alfred has his own study and a gaming room. They have the prettiest garden you ever did see though. And a really nice patio. With a nice backyard and grill.

For Alfred specifically: Glasses on or glasses off?

On! Except in the bedroom.

How often do they break up?

Rarely if at all. They probably did once and missed the other so badly that they promised never to do it again, and always talk it out. Sure they get into fights and one of them will storm off, but they both understand that that usually means the other needs to cool down before they can talk.

Open relationship?

No.

Did Arthur actually care for Alfred before the American Revolution?

I really want to say yes, because of how it was portrayed, but honestly? I don't think the U.S. was any different from England's other colonies. He'd occasionally check up on all of them, but he was super surprised at how fast America grew.

Of course once the war happens he's riddled with regret. Maybe if he treated him better this wouldn't have happened. War with a colony for their independence is ugly anyway. Even after the war, I don't think England was as heartbroken as it was portrayed. I think he was depressed about it for a while, but eventually got over it. It still took him, like any colonizer, a while to see him as an equal though, which infuriated America. However they are both completely over it and don't talk much about it anymore. It's all in the past for them.

@milopottz (I know we don't interact but 👀)

Tag people if you want, so

Also @alifeasvivid and @anyone who wants to

#whew! long post over #long post #tagged #usuk #ukus #this was fun though

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 43)

"Brunch W. Friends"

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

Brushing her teeth, Luna begins to spaz. "LISTEN." She says turning to Colson, who's doing the same in the other sink. "This isn't Pete's coming out party. This is you meeting all of my friends with Kate as a buffer." She says after spitting. She continues brushing her teeth aggressively. "As stupid and fucked up as that sounds." She spits again. Rinsing her mouth.

"What do you mean?" Colson asks her with a side eye.

"I don't fucking know.... Have you met any of them?" She asks.

"I don't know who any of them are." He tells her, finishing up in his sink.

"Exactly." She sighs. Explaining more as they get dressed.

--------------------------------------------------

Dressed in a short, white lace dress, with over the knee boots and her leather, Luna grabs Colson's hand as they approach PS 450. She looks up at him with loving, hopeful eyes before sighing "Here we go.."

Pete's the first to see them, standing up. "Buddddiesss!!" He calls out. Both of them instantly feeling more secure with his welcome. Luna and Colson are the last to arrive, everyone standing to greet them warmly as Luna introduces Colson. Along with Pete and Kate, are James and Mack, Mel, Izak and a stand-offish Tim. He's Justin's bestfriend.

Luna orders a Bloody off that bat. It's attached to a little cheeseburger, the server informs her to her delight. The table laughs, knowing of her love of beef and cheese. She's quick to request her drink before her treat.

James starts chatting up Colson as Luna talks to Pete and Kate. She's funny and quick. Two qualities Luna greatly appreciates. They're sweet together, she decides.

Food, mimosas, bloodies and laughter are flowing. Colson eases right in with Mack and Izak over comic book debates. He slides his arm around Luna as she kisses him on the cheek.

"So, THIS is your fucking THING now." Tim speaks for almost the first time during the meal. He's spitting his words directly at Luna.

"TIM!!" Melanie hisses.

"What?" He cocks back "She sold their fucking apartment, dipped for fucking LaLa Land, went Fucking mainstream, is on Page fucking Six, then pops in with some Duuude for BRUNCH and we're not supposed to say shit!?! He pushes back from the table angrily.

Luna's speechless. Tears welling in her eyes. Trying to stop her chest from exploding.

Mackenzie props her elbows on the table, loudly. Looking directly at Tim. "If THIS was 2yrs ago, you MIGHT have had a point. But it's not." Staring daggers into Tim "BECAUSE it's been almost THREE years since OUR friend CHOOSE to leave. Luna didn't fucking take him, but Lord knows she's been gone like he FUCKING TOOK HER WITH HIM." Mackenzie explodes, pounding her fist on the table. Their party is quiet. James puts his arm around her to comfort her. She shakes him off. "We almost lost them BOTH and you're mad because SHE'S living!" Mack shoves her chair away from the table hard. Stomping out of the resturant.

James goes to follow her but Luna grabs his hand. She gives him a reassuring nod, shoots Tim a Look and kisses Colson before going to find her friend.

"WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?" She hears Pete say behind her.

--------------------------------------------------

Lighting a Newport, Luna says to Mackenzie "You know the only good thing about the South and MidWest... You can still fucking smoke inside." Mack laughs as she puffs on her Camel. "Thank you." Luna says lightly.

"Fuck him." Mack explodes again. "What the fuck does he want you to do? Play Old Maid? FUCK. It'll be 3 fucking years."

Luna's silent.

"I'm sorry." Mack reaches for Luna as she sees the tears drop.

Buried in Mackenzie shoulder she cries how 3 years feels like nothing, yet a whole lifetime. How she loves Colson but hates herself sometimes for it.

"Stop." Mackenzie says firmly, pulling Luna out of her. "You're not doing ANYTHING wrong. FUCK. I'm glad you went to Ash's. You NEEDED to sell that apartment, Loons. You couldn't even sleep in your own fucking bed. I've never said this before, but I'm fucking pissed at him. I get he had his demons, but he did NOT need to leave them the fuck with you. Especially in your bedroom."

Luna buries her face back into Mackenzie's shoulder, crying harder. Finally catching herself, she pulls back. Taking a drag off of her Newport to steady herself still. "How fucked up do I look?" She asks with a light hearted laugh.

"Not bad enough for me to not hate your fucking gorgeous ass, Bitch." They both laugh as Mack wipes her cheeks. Luna is loyal to waterproof mascara. They hug, finishing their cigarettes and sparking another because you can't Fucking smoke inside.

--------------------------------------------------

Once Luna is out of ear shot of the table, and Pete said his peace, Colson looks at Tim. "Yo. You got a fucking problem?" He asks him directly. Tim mutters something as Pete looks worried. "Nah Dawg, speak the fuck up." Colson glances at Pete and James. "I ain't here to start no shit, Homie, but if you got a problem with me and Luna. Speak on that shit." He props his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his fists.

"Fuck youuuuuuu, DUDE. You think you can just waltz in here. Be with her and replace him? FUCK THAT." Tim shoves back further from the table in disgust.

"I ain't trying to replace nobody, Dawg. Luna loves him and always will. I know that. I'm just lucky enough for her to be able to love me too." Colson shrugs "Real recognize Real. And if you were truly her friend, you'd know that." He finishes before sipping his Irish coffee, leaving the table silent.

--------------------------------------------------

"I JUST WANNA SPREAD MY CANCER THROUGH OUT THE WORLD!!!" Luna shouts, re-entering PS, giggling with Mackenzie about her nicotine addiction. Their table is quiet. "Oh... You fucking Assholes." She laughs, climbing into Colson's lap. The Bloodies have caught up and she's early day drunk. Looking directly at Tim, she says unflinching "Get over it." with a shrug. She then turns to Pete asking "WHAT do I gotta do to get Nightmare on SNL?"

"ACTUALLY...." He begins.

Just as Luna hears Tim mumble "Fucking sell out."

Standing up to have reach. Luna shoots out one cool, forceful palm to his forehead knocks him back out of his chair. She slides away Colson, to walk around and help him up.

"Ya fucking done?" She asks sternly to his retreat.

Brunch doesn't last much longer. Everyone is irritated and ready to go. The bill is paid. Hugs and kisses are exchanged. Nothing but a single look between Luna and Tim.

--------------------------------------------------

"Dude's cool." James decides on Colson after his statement about Luna and Justin. "That's big. Some shit I can respect." He's content on his friend's choice.

"Fucking TIM." Mack is still annoyed. "He's such a fucking Asshole. If she wants this, she should fucking have it." She thinks to her self, on full defense of Luna

"I don't know what they expected. Of course he's gonna be salty." Izak thinks to himself of him, Justin, Tim and Luna. Knowing all 3 of them before anyone. "I hope she's fucking happy at least....." He trails off thinking of their friendship over the years.

"He's such a cocksmoker." Mel thinks to herself annoyed at Tim's behavior during Brunch. "Couldn't even hold it together for one fucking meal."

"Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck THEM." Tim thinks dropping onto his bed. "He should fucking be here." He angrily curls himself into a ball.

"HOLY FUCK!!!! It was not supposed to go like that! I knew Tim was gonna be an ass but he's lucky Loons only bopped him and Kells didn't lay him the fuck out." Pete thinks looking out the cab window as he reaches for Kate's hand.

--------------------------------------------------

Luna shot Pete a text before boarding apologizing for ruining brunch. She also hit James, Mack, Izak and Mel. Fuck Tim. For now. She'll deal with him. She eventually receives no worries texts from all.

Turning to Colson in her seat, she kisses him on the neck "I'm sorry." She purrs into his ear.

Looking at her with a wicked eye, he responds with "Show me."

Accepting his dare, Luna slips out of her seat walking towards the bathroom. A few moments later Colson follows her.

--------------------------------------------------

She's sitting on the airplane sink when he enters the bathroom. Still in the short white dress, both day drunk, he's been waiting to fuck her all day. He pulls her willing body into him by her neck. She slides into him easily, wrapping her legs around him. They kiss passionately as his hands roam her body. Pushing him off of her, she hops down. Bending over the sink, brushing her ass against him as she pulls her black thong down.

With his dick throbbing for her ass in the air, he pulls her close. Carefully sliding himself in her to keep her quiet. Her pussy is tight and warm around his cock. He can't help but pump into her hard and quick. He's horny, drunk and been staring at her ass in that dress all day. As a moan escapes from her mouth, he clamps his hand on it to quiet her. This only excites her more. Eyes meeting in the mirror, she bucks against him hard. Biting his hand, they fuck each other fast and hard. Giggling as they try to be quiet as they cum together.

-------------------------------------------------

She had slipped outta the bathroom first. Him following behind her shortly after. Back in their seats, she looks at him. "Mile High Club." She grins as he high fives her laughing. Kissing each other, they settle into their seats, holding hands.

"No wonder everyone wants to fuck her. She's fucking amazing." His mind slides over their weeks together. Dick growing hard again. His mind drifts back to Brunch "I know Justin was his bestfriend but that dude was a fucking douche though...."

*********************************************

"UGGHHH. Today was so fucking embarrassing. I swear. I. Hate. Fucking. Dudes...... Except Bunny. Although he can be a fucking Dick" She smiles nuzzling into him. "A Big Dick." She thinks, touching the tiny padlock around her neck.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued.......

#mgk imagine #mgk smut #mgk x reader #mgk #mgk fanfic #machine gun kelly x reader #machine gun kelly #colson baker smut #colson baker x reader #colson baker #not safe for minors #not safe for tumblr #no filter #nofilter #series #long reads #lunatic #drinking #violence #fantasy #fanfic #fangirl

[dzpenumbra]

9/3/22

Journal time. At 6 A.M., before going to sleep. Totally normal stuff over here, folks! Totally nothing going wrong in my life if I'm going to bed at 6 A.M. regularly. No need to ask, people who are aware of it, totally doing fine! Don't anyone pull a muscle running to offer me a hand, now!

Meh, I don't know. People don't really understand what they haven't experienced. The stillness of isolation, the amount of energy that goes into distractions when you live alone, and your cat sleeps all day so there's nothing actually moving in your entire sensory perimeter.

My stomach is hurting right now, the discomfort has sorta revved my ADD brain super fast tonight so my flow of thought is kinda jumping all over the place. I wanted to talk about the good side of isolation, the insights you get about your self and the human condition at 6 A.M. with nothing moving but a spinning box fan and some animated gif on the right side of the screen. But I had an intrusive realization that I'm narrating now, that I am kinda... not even consciously, I would wager... being punished for bonding. It was like a lightning bolt insight, I love and hate when those happen, they are so sudden. It's the same thing as inspiration, so it's really good and cool to see it still works. But this... sudden intrusive realizing... it can fuck you up when you see... realize... things that you aren't really emotionally ready to process yet. The suddenness can be jarring. At least for me, I am exceptionally emotionally sensitive. And physically sensitive too. And aurally, I guess, I have very strong connections between emotions and physical sensations, I think that might be why music resonates so much with me. But yeah, the realization based on today's fun little cup of tea with my Mom just taught me some heavy shit.

When I bond with my Mom, it very rarely ends positively, at least in the end... I don't know, I'm second guessing myself. I don't need to make sweeping generalizations to make my point, I'm kinda getting at today so maybe I'll keep to talking about that. I showed her the projects I have been working on. I showed her the walking staff I have been carving improvised engravings into. I showed her the stones I have been hand-polishing for jewelry. I showed her the two jewelry pieces I have made already.

We talked about Twitch and YouTube. I mentioned I feel absolutely lazy and lame as fuck for just sitting around playing Minecraft by myself... NOT streaming it. Not playing with my friends. On a multiplayer Minecraft server. That I'm paying to host. Like... fuck, dude. Dead honest, wouldn't you feel lame?

I keep trying to get her to even understand what Twitch is, why people even go there. I haven't even started with Discord. It's crazy, it's like trying to get an Amish person to use a fucking telephone with half my friends, I just don't fucking get it. You're not in your 90's Jebediah, it's a place to fucking hang out with your friends and laugh. Like a bar or something. So if you don't wanna hang out, then just be honest.

Ultimately, tea went well. Then, as she was packing up to head out and pick up dinner for my dad and her, I mention that I am really scared about moving, and that it's a BIG stressor. And that I need to talk about it soon. Like one of the biggest stressors life has to offer. It's like... getting in a relationship, leaving a relationship, moving and death. Those are like the big ones. Short of trauma, of course, but that fucker's got his own damn category. So... yeah, forgive me if I'm super scared to move to a completely new area after living here for over 1/3 of my life, especially since I'm moving by myself to an area where I know no one. I'm terrified. I'm just standing on the edge of the next life and I'm gonna fuckin jump, I have to jump, there's a forest fire behind me. I'm going to do it. It's 400 feet down and there's only like a 50% chance it's gonna go wrong and I get hurt, but like... that fire is closing in pretty damn fast now... And I can't stay here forever... I really was praying I could get someone to just hold my hand and go with me. Or to set up a net at the bottom. Or at least fuckin watch. But I guess that's too much to expect...

My Mom offered to pay for movers. Don't worry about it, you don't need friends to help you move. I'll pay to make this go away. Do you feel supported now? ... No. I feel bribed. To make my feelings go away. Because they are unpleasant to be around. Because me being traumatically scared, in order to empathize with me there... oh shit, realization time... in order to empathize with me having like a PTSD moment or being deathly scared or something, they would have to imagine what it's like to feel that. Fuuuuuuck. And most of these people, they are masters of denial. Denying their own feelings. Of course they're going to deny the empathetic feelings of others. Goddamn. You know, I wasn't going to engage with that too deep there but that helps me understand people so much better. I hope I can hold on to that, big insights can be fleeting, it's pretty easy to sink back into old habits of how we pretend life is.

So, she pushes back. Thinks I'm ungrateful, unappreciative of her generosity. I try to explain that I am appreciative, though I do admit it's hardly my first priority to convey that. I usually open by expressing clearly how I am feeling, as much as I can through fear. I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm nervous. Then I express examples of other similar situations, what else is going on, to give context. I expressed how I was frustrated I didn't have friends to help me move, how it can make a major life stressor, a very impactful event, into a great bonding opportunity. That way I'm not dreading it. I'd actually be looking forward to it.

I get kinda bopped on the nose for even asking for things like this. For someone to get like... actually involved in my life. Like to just say a nice thing to a friend about my 5 different businesses that I have been running forever. Sit down and look through apartment listings with me. Ask me about my fucking day. But yeah, you know what... let's hire someone to do that. Let's get another therapist in here to pretend to be my friend for money, then say he can' t be there when I need a friend because he's "off the clock". That's a healthy thing to get used to. Weird shit we, who have actually done it, just kinda look past, right?

It's not a fuckin luxury to have strangers help you at important times in your life. It's a penalty. It's a poor substitute, er... rich substitute? hehehe. Sorry. Been watching a Twitch streamer all night, that sense of humor just sticks with me. But people think it is a luxury - to have someone raise your kids for you, to have someone drive you around, to have someone cook for you. It's no substitute for sharing those moments with loved ones. Sharing your life with your loved ones. Instead, you share it with strangers. That shit can fuck with your head, but worse, that shit can fuck with your heart.

So I bonded, had a good day, then expressed weakness and vulnerability. My biggest fear right now and how I need support in that. And I was punished for doing so, because I didn't see hiring a mover as addressing the problem I presented. And did not express gratitude for that offer. Problems like this fight are the most common fight I have. It's fucking with my head very badly.

I continually open up to the people in my support network and tell them the deepest pains I'm experiencing and exactly how I need help, and they offer things that are like... the least you can offer? At least on the low end. Like I literally was grieving a breakup and two friends (one from middle school, one from college) who were murdered, and my friend tried to schedule me in for a phone call next month. Oh, here's the kicker! She's a psychology professor! I am not even fucking making this shit up, hand to whatever god will have me. "I'm a bit busy but I think I can squeeze in an hour or so sometime next month." I couldn't make this shit up, hell, I'd be ashamed to make this shit up because I'd 100% be accused of being cliché or just lazy writing! The things I've had people say to me, it just blows my mind.

Yet I keep leaping. I keep opening up to them and giving them thousands of chances. Because I simply do not have anyone else present in my life and I don't want to be completely alone. Because I'm scared to meet new people. Because I'm scared of people. I know what they do to each other. And I know it's most of them. And I have no one to consult with for guidance. And no one to practice socializing with. So I feel like I have no choice. I have to forgive. I have to endure it. I have no choice right now. It's that or spend time with the cat. Because me showing up alone to a skatepark after not seeing a human face for 2 weeks is... well... probably not a normal interaction. Maybe it is for them, I'm just another person at the skatepark, but for me.... for me... This is a sentient organism that understands complex syllabic language. They speak in allegories, metaphor, slang, and most importantly, subtext. I speak in intonation, body language, honesty and patting on the head. Because 100% off my real-time interactions are with a cat. It was shared with a dog before, but now it's 100% cat. So... human interactions can take a bit of adjusting to. It's a bit intimidating. It's only the hardest and most complex fucking form of communication ever devised, so like... forgive me for being out of practice!

So I've broken the addiction of hiding my feelings and problems out of shame. That was huge. My way of doing it was remembering how to say fuck it and commit to the kickflip. And apply that moment of willpower to asking for help, or talking about my trauma, to opening up and making myself vulnerable to people. Leaps of faith. Like typing your honest thoughts into a journal and posting it online. Right? It helped me find myself, who I really am and how I really feel. But man, it just gets me in a world of shit lately. And so many people are trying to get me to stop and go back to the old me. The old way of just bowing my head, nodding and saying, "yes, please, thank you, you look lovely" no matter what I receive. Otherwise...

I'm fuckin all over the place tonight, but this is what I love about journaling. It's therapy. As long as it's honest. These insights, perspectives I might not have uncovered if I didn't take the time to do this, those can make a huge difference in how you approach future situations. If you can remember stuff like this, which it can be hard to sometimes, for some reason. People are weird like that, creatures of habit, I'm like 100% sure I already wrote something like this earlier in this post. XD Guess it's important! So I really do think it's important for people to do something like this, especially if they don't have someone to do this with interactively. Even if it's a written journal or a note on your phone or something. It's weird at first, but if you really commit to not crossing anything out or deleting stuff (I have been editing a bit lately, and I'm really committing myself to stopping now) you can learn some very helpful things about yourself.

Honesty is incredibly powerful, maybe that's why so many people fear it.

I'm gonna wrap this up because I've been going for a good hour now. I have a weird conversation to have tomorrow, assuming it happens tomorrow. I hope she can understand where I'm coming from, I know she means well. Meanwhile, I think the best thing for me right now is maybe to try to meet people online somewhere? I say, typing this. Well, hi, people. If you feel like sticking around and keeping me company through this move, I'd love the support in a difficult time. Even if it's just reading and tacitly wishing good fortune, every thought is appreciated.

Shit's gonna get weird once I move. Maybe I should like... blog it, or something? Maybe...

<takes off mask>

I already am...

dun dun... DUUUUUUN!

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts #self care #mental health #stream of conscious writing