#is probably influenced by me still feeling not great from last night either | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hotcrossbun · 6 months

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potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

#mental health

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angstics · 1 year

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a long introspective post because i know with time i will forget this and i want to remember it all.

night of june 30th, technoblade's death was announced. i didnt believe it for a few minutes because i couldnt watch the video (i still havent). but it was true -- he passed away age 23 from cancer he discovered *less than a year* before his death. i keep quiet about how much i liked minecraft youtubers 2020 - 2021 because that turned out to be a DISASTER. but technoblade was one of the shining beacons. genuinely always the best, completely outside of post-death rose-tinted glasses. always.

before that, i was kind of getting into my chemical romance. id known of them my whole life. from dan and phil references to annoying ass g-note jokes to the twenty one pilot's cancer cover. i heard the Big Three hits but couldnt tell you what they were (except for "welcome") before listening to three cheers for the first time at the end of june. i dont know why i decided to start them. i wasnt really into music -- my top albums the last couple years included burnham's inside, starkid's twisted, and falsettos (2016). i wish i remembered better. if listening to them for the first time isnt a core memory, this is:

after 6 months of relative stability, i understandably hit a depressive episode in july. i would lie on my couch into the early morning for no reason. i wasnt trying to distract myself from his death ... there were no thoughts to be distracted from. it isnt a headspace i understand, especially since i never left it.

but for another unknown reason i thought to watch those mcr live shows. mind, at this point id only listened to three cheers. no exaggeration, i was betwitched by their performance. i most vibrantly remember gerard's eyes. crazy fucking eyes.

i'd forgotten cancer was an mcr song. when top released their cover, i listened to the original. i decided i liked twenty one pilots' more. i switched on that when i saw my chem on snl (i didnt watch BPID all the way through til a week later). it's the stripped down song, it's the direct lyrics, it's the crazy eyes. like he's trying to communicate EVERYTHING through his eyes.

the intro to BPID was like that too. when he ripped the hospital dress off and did the ghoul scream. had that feeling when i saw frank perform vampire money in glasgow. just. completely uninhibited. performace to say something truthful. unlike anything ive ever seen. from someone who wasnt very into music or live performance or theatre, much less the mechanics of it, i suddenly understood it all.

that screenshot is an abridged version of my actual search history. this is how it went.

june 26 i watched ->

side bar, thinking about it now, my interest in pink floyd directly lead to my interest in mcr. early morning july 1st, this is what i was watching (alan parsons project great reccomendation from my friend bink bonk):

july 2 i was watching videos a friend of techno's publicized to commerate him. the mcr video was in the reccomended tag -- a combo of the live pink floyd video and the im not okay mv. crazy how influenced my life is by where youtube leads me.

then i saw a LITTLE bit of BPID before seeing my chem in 2022 for the first time. this was just weeks after bonn. i didnt watch the full eden either. but i did watch all of "welcome" at milton keynes, based on the time stamps

this whole fucking day spent watching mcr videos. reading 2011, zack sang clip frank iero explains reading 2011 drama, mcr iceberg explained, "mcr best perfomance", "mcr best moments", mcr on letterman, mcr snl, "understanding the black parade" (i had not listened to black parade) -- then i left at 4pm. probably to sleep.

july 2nd was The day. i remember while watching these videos a realization hugging me. i knew that i was struck. from july until november, the majority of my conversations had something to do with my chem.

at the very beginning, i texted people about them to gage modern attitudes. growing up, they were adjacent to bands i thought sold out or lost their spark -- panic!, twenty one pilot, fall out boy. as ive said a million times, there is a Reason i didnt get into my chem earlier. just the other day on a SPECIFICALLY EMO SUBREDDIT there were people talking about how they "weren't ashamed to like mcr". where does this shame come from!!!!!! too mainstream for punk, too punk for mainstream. everyone knows this.

well anyway, july 2nd was just the first layer: the performance. july 11 (/early july 12) was another big day. the second layer: gender and sexuality. literally my tags on the first mcr post i reblogged ->

then i saw the great collection by flockofdoves and. well.

same day i found out about "i wanna be your joey ramone" and sleater-kinney, though i wouldnt listen to the song for a short while. that's layer 4: branching out to other music.

layer 3 was music appreciation. i listened to each of their albums in full sequentionally (KIND OF since i relistened to bullets 3 times were i only listened to the others in full 2 times max), purposuefully holding off for weeks between each album. i remember the first time i sat down to listen to black parade. i was buzzing at like 12:30 am because id decided that was the night. the end -> dead rocked my whole world. never got the instinct to bang your head around til those songs. the whole album was fucking amazing but something aboout famous last words got to me. id be sitting in the car with my sister and singing the bridge over and over. the perfect string of words -- with words i thought id never speak: awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.

i used to hate live performances because the music sounded worse than the studio version while giving me nothing performance-wise. id never wanted to go to a concert in my life. but not only did they sound GOOD live, it was a whole different experience. an adaptation that added to the experience in ways entirely different to what is lost. like i said, crazy eyes. and smiles like flowers and the audience louder than the amps and movement led by sound and memory. like. like nothing else. you cant understand this unless youre in love -- completely dedicated to it.

sometime in august i discovered they were coming to my town the next month. the first concert i ever wanted to go to. my parents were a nightmare about it the whole month until i got the permission to go. ive said also said this a million times: it was like rapture.

i dont understand why you would want to do anything that doesnt work towards that same feeling. my parents didnt get that feeling and i couldnt go to another show. it's been months and it still drives me insane. it drives me fucking insane. it drives me insane.

so those are the core memories related to my chem that got me here. it's a lot of love. love so big i cant even hold. it's belief. something close to religious. it's a lot of fear too -- fear the feeling will go away, that i'll "wake up", fear that they'll be taken. one reason i dont like music is the feelings i attach to it are so profound that i cant listen to it without feeling what i felt in the past. it's why i limit how much i listen to my chem. that's another fear -- though i attach positive feelings to the band, im engaging in it while depressed. more than engaging, obsessing. i cant focus on much else.

i hope as i get better mentally, this doesnt leave me. i got into it to cope. it showed me another dimension of art and life and emotion. it's a hard thing to navigate. i want the good, healthy parts of this to be my life. i hope i can figure that out. i hope it works out.

july 26 2020, i looked this up:

i have no memory of this at all.

the night before, i was on a technoblade binge that ended with me watching one of his seminal videos that i remember beat for beat.

i love technoblade forever. i cant watch his videos right now, but i hope i can someday. i love my chem forever. i hope-

#q.txt #2022 #mcr personal history

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rozugold · 1 year

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Hi! Person from last ask (I think at least idk if you answered more)

I guess I was looking at it as more of a creator standpoint, where they currently believe the SMP will continue on with its story, but I get wanting a more finality on c!Tommy’s arc. Also I fully understand not believing the SMP will continue bc trust me, I also have major trust issues with these creators. I am currently in the belief it will continue in some way, but it will not at all be near the future, also it won’t last as long as season 1. I guess that also contributes to my liking to the finale and accepting that c!Tommy doesn’t have a final ending yet (hopefully).

If you don’t mind me getting personal for a second, I do honestly think this wasn’t the intended ending at all, and we were just rushed to get an ending. I think with Technoblade’s passing and how intertwined his story was with literally everyone on the server, and especially with how many storylines that seemed to wanted to be explored/and or created the ending was probably suppose to be more in the future. I don’t think his death influenced the decision for this ending, but it definitely influenced the decision to just end season one of the SMP right now. Maybe it’s a bit parasocial to speculate on that but idk it helps me a bit too when thinking not only about the SMP but all of this

You still don’t have to like the ending, I certainly don’t think it’s perfect either and I really do understand why you don’t, I just wanted to make a bit of my points clearer. And I was just reminded of Technoblade, and the speculation popped into my mind and I just wanted to get it out. Anyways I hope you have a great night :)

Waitwaitwait

I guess that also contributes to my liking to the finale and accepting that c!Tommy doesn’t have a final ending yet (hopefully).

They all have amnesia now don’t they? All their character development is gone! c!tommy doesn’t exist anymore, he can’t have a second final ending. Unless I’m missing something?

I also don’t understand your point about Techno? The whole server didn’t need to be rushed to end, there’s still other stories going on that don’t involve/never involved Techno. I can understand if some ccs wanted to stop doing lore because of his passing but I don’t think that has anything to do with this wack ending? But also it’s weird to speculate about the feelings of irl people so let’s not do thatt!!

#rozu asks #anonymous #dream amp #this ask got me feeling iffy #anon if you send another I won’t answer it #just rb this or reply to it if you wanna chat more #I just draw things here man

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jimblejamblewritings · 2 years

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changes hurt | part 5.

Summary: (Y/N) has always been one of the stronger Alphas. Which is saying something when the Avengers is a team overrun with Alphas. A mission gone wrong changes her entire world and when everyone starts treating her different, she doesn’t know if she can cope. Change hurts and (Y/N)’s not sure it’s a pain she cant bear.

Warnings for the Series: strong language, angst, fluff, assault, a/b/o dynamics, sexual content (not sure if there will be smut or just talks, leaning more to just talks but since I don’t know, let’s just say 18+ readers only)

Pairing: Steve x black!reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist)

The rest of the team piled into the dining room. Each person took a glance at the box and the syringes inside. Steve made Bruce tell them the same thing the scientist told him. Except Bruce lied and said he didn’t know what it was, thankful he made the smart decision to remove any labels from the vials. He offered to analyze it and report back later.

“What do you think it is?” Wanda asked.

“No clue but it shouldn’t take too long to find in the lab.”

“She has an injection mark,” Steve confessed. “Saw it the other night, her inner thighs all bruised in a single spot.”

You woke up feeling happy despite the fact that the night before was one of the most stressful ever. It didn’t matter. Steve’s scent was everywhere and that was good enough for you to wake up with a smile. You showered and changed, excited to wear a fresh pair of clothes for once. Steve’s scent was still there a little bit from the marking of your neck. It wouldn’t stay but you could now roam freely down to the kitchen for breakfast and wait for Bruce to give you your package.

Despite the smell of everyone in the dining room, you strolled downstairs confidently. No one responded to your good morning but it didn’t phase you much. You dug around the cabinets for the quick-ready coffee pod in the flavor you wanted.

“I got you a coffee.”

You turned to see Steve holding up the drink. Closing the cabinet, you strolled over and took the cup. Everyone was still standing even after you sat down at the table. After a second long sip, you looked at them.

“You all statues, now?”

“(Y/N),” Bucky started. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Little tired but great overall. Passed out last night and slept like the dead.”

“We’ve just been noticing you seem a little off.”

“Off?”

“Irritable and jittery all the time,” Tony filled in.

One by one they all started adding other things they noticed. You were irritable, moody, forgetful of things you normally had on a tight schedule. Not hanging out with them as much. Staying out way too late. Not letting the team know where you are when you did leave. Nat rolled her eyes and lifted the hidden box from the chair and slammed it on the table. She felt they all were dancing around it too much. Your eyes went wide.

“What the hell are these and why did you put them under Bruce’s name?” Nat asked, not even hiding the accusatory tone.

“That’s not mine.”

“Bullshit, your room number is on there.”

“It’s probably supposed to go to Bruce. The mix up was the address not the name.”

“Then why do you look like a deer in headlights? So what is it? Ketamine?”

“Judging by the viscosity, I’d say maybe MDMA,” Tony piped up.

“Are you guys accusing me of being on drugs?” You said, shocked.

Drugs were a serious offense in SHIELD. An agent risked their team on a mission if they were under the influence. Caught on drugs and an agent was forced to take mandatory leave until they cleaned up. The accusation pissed you off. The fact they would throw it around, if it got past the team it might cost you your spot. Getting mad wasn’t the smart idea but you couldn’t help it until it was too late. Just under your nose you could smell it. The Omega pheromones seeped out a little bit.

It was then you realized you hadn’t taken a suppressant either because it was the box Bruce was supposed to give you. The box that was currently sitting right in front of you. Steve’s scent was still masking it but the fact that you could smell it right under his was not a good sign. You squeezed the coffee cup tightly to the point it might fold in under the pressure in attempts to keep it under control. You only set the cup down once the coffee had spilled on your hand— you had heated it up by accident and burned a hole in the cup.

“Guys, I’m pretty sure (Y/N) isn’t taking anything not approved by Dr. Cho.” Sam tried to save you.

“I got hurt on the last mission, it’s no big deal. They’re just standard steroids till the muscle inflammations calm down. What is wrong with you all?”

You reached for the box and Bucky held it down with his metal hand making you snarl at him.

“You seem to be getting hurt a lot recently.”

“Bucky, let it go.”

“We’re looking out for you. This shit is serious, (Y/N).” He pulled the box back.

“I already told you guys. Give me my shit back!”

“(Y/N)!” Bucky yelled.

He wasn’t fully using an Alpha command but it was enough to make you have to bite back a whimper. Sam put a hand on the other man’s bicep to get him to chill while Bruce was attempting to quickly diffuse and get everyone to drop it— no one was listening to his explanation that the steroids made sense and it was an honest mix-up. You could really smell your scent now, Steve’s damn near gone. Panic was setting in. The tears in your eyes didn’t help your case but made it worse as the team was almost positive that the drug accusation was the truth. You reached for the box one more.

“Please just give it to me!” You half whined with the tears streaming in full effect.

“Stand. Down.” Steve commanded.

You wildly shook your head as the tears came down harder, knowing the damage was done. You sat back in your seat and didn’t look at any of them. All at once the team pulled a face at the sudden influx of a new Omega scent. Your head shook slightly as they all looked around in confusion. Steve recognized the scent immediately— the one he had been missing from the jacket.

“(Y/N)?” Steve asked gently.

You forced yourself to look at the entire team. It wasn’t the prettiest sight: your face was stained with tears, nose snotty, and you were sure that if you could turn red you would have been red all over. You tried to hold your head up but all the eyes on you weren’t making it too easy. There was a range of emotions on the team’s faces. You wiped your nose with the sleeve of your shirt, waiting for someone to say something. No one spoke, just stared. You shot out of your chair and ran up to your room, taking the stairs instead of the elevator and ignoring everyone’s shouts for you.

Your back was slumped against the door of your room and you cried even harder now having privacy. Downstairs, the team was wondering what was going on until Bruce finally confessed. They didn’t believe him until he came back with the real medical records that he had hidden in his nesting supplies. It was staring at them plain as day. Bruce said he was working on a reversal based off of the initial formula but it wasn’t looking promising at all. Steve walked away from the table.

“Where are you going?” Vision asked.

“To talk to (Y/N),” he answered like it was obvious.

“Steve,” Sam started but the man was already down the hall.

“Is she really an Omega now?” Nat asked.

“Well, partially. She’s coexisting as both for now technically. She still has her Alpha skills, memories, and the cells are there but they produce Omega DNA. That formula was meant to make a mutation of sorts. Eventually the old Alpha cells will die and the new ones produce Omega without having the mutation but as if they were always her original makeup. But yeah, she’s one of us now.” Bruce motioned to him and Wanda.

Steve knocked on your door to be greeted with no response. He could hear the sniffling and knew you were sitting right against it. He tried again to be met with the same response. More silence when he called your name. You felt a bang against the door as Steve slumped against it as well.

“Bruce explained the whole thing. I’m right outside the door when you’re ready. Alright, doll?”

He wasn’t sure how long he would be there but was prepared to wait all night. Few beats of silence passed. It wasn’t the most gentlemanly thing to do while you were in distress but he couldn’t help taking in your new scent that was all around. Your words from last night echoed in his head. He brought himself back to the present. Now was not the time to think about you and bonding, it wouldn’t be right. The door opened and he jumped up to his feet.

“Can I come into your space?” Steve asked.

He was already adjusted to your new status, asking to enter an Omega space instead of simply barging into an Alpha one like he would have in the past. You nodded your head slightly and stepped aside. Steve took off his shoes at the door and walked in. You closed the door behind him and just stood there with your hand still on the doorknob. Steve turned to look at you while you were looking anywhere but him.

You pointed to the couch and he walked over. Like last night, you got two drinks— plain water not any alcohol. Steve gently grabbed your foot and when you didn’t pull away he settled both of your feet in his lap. He watched you open your mouth to speak before closing it. The waterworks started again. He pulled your whole body into his lap and you let him. Steve just rubbed your back and you wanted to push him away but hold him close at the same time.

“Why’d you hide it?” he asked.

“Did you see the way you all looked at me? SHIELD agent or not, Avenger or not, we all know where Omegas fit on the hierarchy… already black and a woman, the Alpha thing was my one boost in life.”

Steve didn’t say anything because you were right. He had so easily accepted your new Omega status. The whole team did and they had only known for an hour or two. Your words made him look at you again realizing how quickly he reasoned that you were now weaker— he’d be lying if he said he could act like it wasn’t what they were all thinking. Sure you had powers like Wanda and sure Bruce could turn into a giant green monster but outside the battlefield all three of you were Omegas and nothing changed that fact. A knock on your door broke the quiet.

“It’s Nat.” The voice called out. “Can I enter your space?”

You looked up at Steve and shook your head, not able to handle another Alpha at the moment.

“She’s not ready, Natasha,” he called out.

“Alright. I’m in my room when you’re feeling better, (Y/N). Buck and Bruce won’t be there. I promise.”

Nat’s footsteps retreated and you relaxed against Steve once again. Steve on the other hand stiffened up. His super senses allowed him to smell Nat from across the space. Your new Omega scent had set all the Alphas off, even bonded ones. It had settled like a blanket at the dining room table that their ruts couldn’t help but to start whether it was time for them or not. He was resisting saying anything and tried not to move too much. He was especially trying to stop the growl in his throat at the thought of Nat coming into your space while she was also in a rut— it wasn’t working, you could feel the rumbling of his chest. You gently hit him.

“Stop it.”

“Hmm?” he looked down at you.

“Don’t hmm me, I can smell you… is it too much? Do you want to go find Sharon?”

You didn’t mean for your voice to sound pained when you said her name but it did anyway. Steve’s thumb traced your scent glands. Now that you had calmed down, he could smell himself on you once again. It was right, it all felt just right. He shook his head while tracing the area.

“Want you.” Steve blinked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out. Shit, sorry. I’ll leave.”

He started to move but stopped when your nose nudged his neck. Steve leaned back on the couch, getting comfortable again. He tilted his head back a little. Steve’s hand that rested on your thigh squeezed it tighter as you kissed the spot gently. You dropped your head back against him and he rested his chin on top of your head.

“I’m scared, Steve,” you whispered. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“You don’t have to alone.”

You let him tilt your head back without any resistance. Steve’s lips found his target. He kissed the skin slow and sweet. The kisses turned into sucking, not caring— even relishing— at the thought of leaving a hickey. It would have you smelling like him for at least two days. And then he’d be back to mark the spot again a voice in the back of his head growled. He smiled against your neck as you moaned, a fresh wave of your scent flooding his nose. It spurred him on and he moved to the other side, wanting matching hickeys on you. You stiffened when you felt his teeth graze your skin.

“Wait, stop.”

You started to push him away. Steve pulled back, staring at his work before meeting your eyes.

“I’m not ready. I don’t want to bond yet, not as an Omega. Not yet.”

Steve moved to your lips instead. You kissed back and he moved you off of his lap to lay back on the couch. It felt just like the kiss that you two had after the Battle of New York. Your fingers wrapped up tightly around the fabric of his shirt. He reached between the two of you, grabbing your hands and pinning your wrists above you. Your gasp was swallowed by his mouth on yours. Steve started to grind down on you, only stopping when you both started to pant.

“Sorry. I’ve got to go, I need to take care of this.”

“You can find someone if you need to,” you said in a soft voice.

“Are you sure, sweetheart? I can handle myself, I’ll manage.”

You nodded. “We aren’t together yet, not until I’m ready to submit. I don’t want to force you to hold back a rut, we all know it’s not as good without another person… just not Sharon?”

“Not Sharon.” He kissed your lips again. “I’ll find some Beta. I’m going to start taking suppressants, I’ll make the appointment with the doctor.”

“You don’t have to.”

“No, I should make my ruts safe to be with you. Shouldn’t run out every time just because we aren’t officially bonded… you like the sound of that?” he asked with a laugh.

The corners of your mouth had pulled up at the word bonded. You were still scared but it was somewhat easy to find yourself submitting to Steve. He got off of you.

“What are you going to do while I’m out? You shouldn’t hide in here.”

You sighed because he was right. The quickest way to accept your new lifestyle was to get yourself out in the world as the Omega you were. But you didn’t want to face the team either. You weren’t ready and not without Steve who would be busy solving his little problem.

“I think I’ll go to the Botanical Garden, maybe Sam might want to come.”

“Sounds like a good place to start.”

You pulled at your sleeve, looking at the tear stains and dried snot in disgust.

“I have to change,” you said with a groan.

You weren’t really feeling like changing again but you would be damned if you went out in that top. Steve started to unbutton his shirt until he was in just the t-shirt underneath. He handed it to you as you gave him a side-eye.

“You’re getting a little attached, Rogers.”

He pulled you back into his lap, hands squeezing your waist while his fingers drummed against your body. He buried his nose back in the crook of your neck before kissing the spot some more.

“Can’t help it,” he mumbled between the kisses. “All those other Alphas need to know they can’t have you. Got a promise that you’re going to be mine, my Omega.”

Your heart thumped at him calling you by the dynamic and your mind screamed at him for daring to call you that. Steve finally relented on the kisses. You set the shirt down between you two and went to grab the bottom of the one you were wearing.

“Don’t look, freaking perv.”

He chuckled and shut his eyes tightly. You poked his eye and he scrunched his face up but didn’t open them. You took off your dirtied shirt and changed into Steve’s.

“You can look now.”

Steve opened his eyes, growling at the sight of you buttoning up the last few buttons. A glimpse of your bra could be seen. His hips bucked up once causing you to gasp and place your hands on his chest.

“You did that on purpose, tease. Are you trying to make my rut bad?”

You smiled and kissed him. It was a small peck. You weren’t trying to get your smell all over him when he was going to be out looking for someone. Hopping off of him, you went upstairs to grab your bag and text Sam to meet you in the lobby of the building. Steve fought the urge to pull you back to him and just stay with you even if that meant having to fix his rut by himself later. You came back downstairs and he got up to follow you out. When you entered the elevator, he turned to face you. Steve grabbed the sides of your face in both hands and kissed you again.

“Thank you for letting me into your space. And being your Alpha.”

Your eyes fluttered close at his words. Roseanne looked up from the desk where she had been talking to Sam. Their mouths almost dropped open at the two of you standing in front of her. You were a little more reserved with the new status being so open but Steve was beaming. He drummed his hands on the desk.

“Rose, any more of my jackets hidden?”

She nodded and reached out to reveal an armful of outwear. He picked up two of them, sniffing them both and handing the one with the lesser scent to you. You were already swimming in his scent, the jacket was just extra because he was feeling boastful. He needed his jacket to cover up whatever smell from your kisses might have been on him.

“You building a little nest back there?” He asked with a chuckle as he handed the jacket to you. “Take care of her, Sam. You two have fun.”

He pecked you on the cheek and left without another word. Sam pulled back the collar of your shirt and he and Roseanne sucked their teeth at the two obvious hickeys on either side of your neck. Your face felt hot as they kept looking.

“He’s not my Alpha… yet.”

“Damn, under 24 hours and Cap already laid a claim. You ready to go?”

You hooked your arm through Sam’s and the two of you left to go on your little outing.

(Part 6)...

#alpha!steve x reader #steve rogers x reader #avengers fic #marvel fic

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my-name-is-mine-to-know · 9 months

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Ok so I started watching Nimona with @theonewithallthefixations and we had lots of thoughts and we’ve decided to write them down. I probably don’t remember everything, and this will likely be disorganized, so bear with me, but:

Todd, the dude with a punchable face, is Groose pre-redemption. Many of Todd’s actions, mannerisms, etc. we now project upon Groose

To me specifically (Fixa hasn’t read the stormlight archive), ambrosius and ballister remind of adolin and kaladin respectively.

One is a respected descendant of the honored family and is basically destined to be a leading fighter, the golden boy, black/blond hair, fashionable (idk if ambrosius picks his own outfits like ado does but either way it looks good)

the other is not even close to royalty, had a rough childhood, but managed to gain power and respect anyway, generally broody, dark hair and eyes, all that.

Of course the main difference between the pairs is that when Kaladin is made to be a criminal, adolin sits it out with him; but when Bal is framed an assassin, Ambrosius helps hunt him down, but of course kal just criticized a lighteyes and was immediately imprisoned while bal “killed” the queen and was able to run away, so that situation’s not really comparable.

Anyway

Nimona feels like legend mostly in that snarky and stubborn pink bunny who likes the destruction of public property and is willing to murder

“Arm chopping is not a love language!” Both nimona and ambro say this (technically ambro never says this out loud, but he wants to, and that counts) and based on this (and other things, but this is what sparked it), the two are likely very similar. It seems like Bal has always been the broody type, so both probably had to force him to hang out with them; Ambro would probably be very chaotic if he were not essentially a prince (idk if Gloreth was actually royalty, or just highly respected, but either way he’s got a lot of influence due to his relation); there might be other things

When Ambro and Bal get married, they can adopt Nim and it will be great.

How old is Nim? Would they even need to adopt her? I mean, technically, you can adopt adults, it’s just a lot more ceremonial, then actually promising to provide for a person’s needs, but they could still adopt her, even if she was an adult. I don’t think she is, but I don’t really know.

oh! More potential things w Ambro and Nim: we think she may be either The monster from the beginning, sequence or be related to it. If she’s a descendent, then her story would mirror Ambro’s, with him, being destined for greatness and heroism to do to his ancestry, and her being destined to terrorize and hurt people

Additionally, it seems like neither are happy with their current situation as influenced by their ancestry. Ambro says (thinks) that he never asked to be related to Gloreth, and while Nim clearly lives her abilities, she is sad to be made a villain

We found Ambro’s last name to be amusing: Goldenloin. That will surely make their wedding night interesting

That’s all for now. We’re going to be able to finish the movie tomorrow, and Fixa will update with our further thoughts.

#nimona #my thoughts are yours to know #I figured I should have a tag for my original posts #this seems apt #i think that’s it #bye

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phoneybeatlemania · 2 years

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Do you think that you being straight affected your understanding of what John felt when it comes to Janov's therapy methods

Hmmmm. I don’t really think I’m straight anon, although I have said I am before on this site so I don’t blame you for thinking that ofc. But I’d say I’m probably bi actually!

Whatever my sexuality actually ends up being (when I finally make a Fucking Decision 😩), I’ll still have been through years of experience in questioning it, which I think John probably went through as well (I’m aware virtually anyone queer persons goes through a questioning phase, but some people come to a conclusion quicker then others). I’ve always gotten the feeling that part of the reason John never formally came out was because he himself was just confused about how he identifies, and as well about how he feels about his own same sex attraction. I talked about this here in more detail awhile ago, but I feel as though there were probably times he was fairly confident in understanding that he was bisexual, and perhaps prepared to even officially come out to some friends; Pete Townshend actually made an intriguing comment about this in his biography Who Am I:

But then the overall feeling I’ve always had about John is that his relationship with his own sexuality was fairly convoluted, in that he was never quite sure how he really felt about it—in part probably because he never actually had a relationship with another man*, so he never had the opportunity to explore it enough depth to really figure out his identity. Im not a Townshend-aficionado, but reading through the brief comment from his autobiography, his relationship imo doesn't seem dissimilar to Johns—although, to me it seems that Johns discomfort with his sexuality was more about being uncomfortable/confused about romantic attraction to men, rather than erotic attraction.

[*Relationship here meaning a lasting/intimate/romantic/sexual one, rather than a One Night Stand, for lack of a better term.]

Perhaps that’s just complete projection on my part though, since it’s basically how I feel about my own sexuality. But I’m interested to see if other people have a similar feeling on this to me! I should also note that nothing Ive said above is denying components like shame or denial etc. that John probably experienced to some degree. But I just thought I would share my thoughts on the facet of confusion that I think he felt.

Onto Janov though, and whether my sexuality has influenced my understanding of Johns during his primal phase.

While I was aspiring to understand John as best I could in my essay, I admit that there's quite simply no way a level of bias or projection couldn't emerge in my attempts to understand him (and I don't believe either of these things are inherently bad, so long as we recognise that they have the potential to haze our readings of these people).

Perhaps one thing I relate to less on Johns behalf is the feeling of shame that he presumably would have felt, not least because he was From A Generation. Although the 60s was a time of great social change with sexuality, with homosexuality being decriminalised in 1967*, its not as if the ingrained homophobic mentalities would have just ceased to exist. Being born in the 21st century, and growing up in a pretty un-homophobic environment (not only at home, but even at school there was very rarely any homophobia directed at girls), feelings of shame just aren't something I can entirely relate to. So perhaps that weakens my understanding of Johns feelings throughout therapy.

[*Not that this has any relevance, but Im absolutely *bawling* over the boy in my dads criminology class who wrote "homosexuality was UNFORTUNATELY decriminalised in 1967" in an essay—bro its so unnecessary lmao.]

And going back to the sentiments I shared earlier about having a somewhat convoluted relationship with my own sexuality and believing that John probably felt similarly, perhaps this has caused my speculations about Johns relaxation surrounding his relationship with his sexuality throughout his Lost Weekend period to be a product of projection.

As I said though, I don't believe that bias necessarily has to be a bad thing—utilised wisely, it can just be an avenue in which we understand people, especially if were evidencing our arguments well.

I don't think there's anything I now retract from my essay, but I do think it's good to question yourself Every Now And Again. But Im interested to know if theres anything you disagreed with in my Janov post, anon?

#tempted to make another comment on My Thoughts about whether your own identity allows you to better understand the band #i.e if youre a woman or if youre queer etc.#as opposed to if youre a straight white man #since there was a discussion relating to that on hey dullblog sometime ago #but im going to bed now and dont want to keep anon waiting so JUST GONNA HIT POST :/#arthur janov #johns sexuality #pete townshend #john lennon #quotes #asks #anon #pst

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matthewbernard · 1 year

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John Wick

I saw the John Wick quadrilogy over the weekend. They had been on my list, but I had not made time to see any of them prior to last Friday. I was kid free this past weekend and as I sat there Friday night trying to think of what I was going to do for the weekend, I decided to scroll through what was playing at the theater. I’m a Cinemark movie club member and I have some extra credits built up, so that’s always an option for an activity. John Wick Chapter 4 was one of the choices, of course, since it was opening weekend for the film.

That got me thinking; maybe this was finally the weekend I should watch these movies, and maybe on Sunday, I could go see it in the theater? No, that was probably too much of a commitment. I would try to watch the first three this weekend, and then that would give me the option to see the 4th one before it leaves theaters.

So that settled it and I cued up the first one for Friday evening’s entertainment, and entertaining it was, although also hard to watch at parts. I mean, if it wasn’t bad enough that they killed the puppy, it tugs even more at the heart when he comes to and you see that the dog has managed to drag itself across the floor to die next to him, or to comfort him as her last act. Either one is pretty heart breaking. Despite that, the movie overall was good and quite a ride really.

The next morning I was in bed and happened to text my brother about something. The idea of hanging out was floated and he suggested we see John Wick 4 in IMAX. I said, “That would be a great idea except I just saw the first one for the first time last night.

“Well get to watchin,” he replied. “The show starts at 5. I’ll get the tickets.”

So began my impromptu movie marathon and a day that started off pretty empty and suddenly filled up. John Wick 2, followed by John Wick 3 and lunch simultaneously. After that was a shower and then jumping in the car for the drive to Kalamazoo. All of the films were quite good, including the 4th installment, however, I am going to save any review of number 4 for the time being since it still has a spoiler ban in my opinion. Instead I’m going to focus my thoughts on the first three.

At its heart, this trilogy is about loss. John goes through a lot of it, and he isn’t really given the chance to grieve. Having experienced a lot of loss myself, I found this difficult to watch at times. It wasn’t so bad in the first one because he gets his revenge, and then at the end of the film he gets another dog. There is at least the beginning of a rise out of the valley of despair that he has found himself in. The movie also has a lot of kickass fights in it along with a taste of some super cool, super secret assassin world building.

The second and the third movies have even more of this world building and each one pulls back the curtain a little more on this secret society that I found so fascinating from the first one.

However, with every step into this world, we also have another loss that John has to endure. This time with no dips up from the valley. It’s just one loss after another and there is zero chance to grieve. Again, it has a lot of kickass stuff in it, and the action keeps it moving to the point where you hardly have time to wallow too much in your feelings. At the same time, I can’t help but yearn for some kind of relief for John.

Admittedly this is all likely influenced by my own personal experiences, and not everyone will feel the way that I did while watching. Some might simply see some great action flicks, and the truth is, they are also those, so I can’t blame them. It’s just interesting how your trauma can have such an influence on how you see things. It becomes the lens from which we view the entire world.

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steveskafte · 2 years

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LAST WORDS BEFORE LEAVING If you've followed my work for any amount of time, then you know my great love and affinity for songwriters. In wild lives spent pouring their hearts out, I've seen a few still find something meaningful to share straight through to the end. That final, brilliant burnout of an artistic life is a powerful experience, songs released so near to the death of the voices that made them. The first (and youngest to die) among these is probably the man who influenced my writing the most. Mickey Newbury was most famous as the songwriter of "Just Dropped In", a hit for Kenny Rogers in 1968. Even though he had little success with recording his own songs, he sang with far more heartfelt expression than anyone who covered them. But his studio albums were somewhat over-produced, drowned in a lot of string arrangements that tended to take the edge off. In the mid-90s, after some years away from regular recording, Mickey Newbury finally released a deeply honest recording of his work – a live album called: "Nights When I Am Sane". There are performances on it that carry more emotion than I've heard from any artist, especially "Four Ladies". For the final decade of his life, he suffered with pulmonary fibrosis, which had a significant effect on his lungs and ability to sing. "Help Me, Son" is an intensely dark, yet strangely hopeful exploration of fragility and reliance on others. Spoken as much as sung, there's a weariness in it that feels like a heavy blanket in winter. Warm and weighty, but with a threat all around. He died on September 29, 2002 at the age of 62. This song was released posthumously in 2003, on his album: "Blue to This Day". Mickey Newbury - Help Me, Son youtube.com/watch?v=SFi9KnX4aDo ~ ~ ~ It would be somewhat self-important for me to attempt any sort of biography of Johnny Cash, one of the single most influential and well-documented songwriters of the 20th century. So I'll set that aside, assuming you know his basic story. It was right when his life was ending that I was first getting into music, so I heard the old man right alongside the young one. It never occurred to me to mark any real division or preference between the two – and if anything, I was more drawn to the last, wheezing breaths that carried so much depth. "Like the 309" was the final song that Johnny Cash wrote. Just something aching with feeling, I can't hardly hear it with getting overrun with emotion. Waiting on a train to rush off into somewhere, either known or unknown. He died on September 12, 2003 at the age of 71. This song was released posthumously in 2006, on his album: "American V: A Hundred Highways". Johnny Cash - Like the 309 youtube.com/watch?v=a-4zdfQGDP4 ~ ~ ~ The career of Jack Hardy was a very long and rather obscure one, unless you're familiar with the folk singer-songwriter scene in New York. In the late 1960s, he achieved the dubious honour of being the only person ever convinced of libel on a U.S. president – for a rude cartoon he published of Richard Nixon. After that misadventure, Jack had a very prolific career as a musician, releasing an album every couple years from 1971 until his death. All through those decades, he hosted a weekly meeting in his apartment where everyone could share their latest work to somewhat friendly criticism. He was known for cutting everyone to the point, saying "shut up and sing" if an introduction ran too long. That emotional economy was key to the man, with a raspy voice and a straightforward expression in everything he recorded. "Rust Belt Town" was likely the last song he wrote, or very nearly if not. It's one of the most honestly angry and sarcastic performances I've seen, in the disaffected voice of someone watching their factory town crumble. Jack Hardy was suffering with lung cancer at the time, and that's likely present in his voice, which already wasn't pretty by any stretch. He died on March 11, 2011, at the age of 63. This song was never released, and the live performance was recorded not long before his death in November 2010. Jack Hardy - Rust Belt Town youtube.com/watch?v=rZZ45qvV4CU ~ ~ ~ Now, we're stumbling back into someone famous. David Bowie was a dozen different things in his life, as a man or musician. He certainly influenced my writing in the early days, when I was just learning to tread that incredible line between absurdity and sense, and holding your heart up like strange stained glass to the light. As old rock star heroes lose their youth, most folks look away. But what he did towards the end was just as likely to move me. "The Next Day", his album from 2013, probably reaches me more consistently than anything back through his career. Fame can be this dizzying thing, too high and wild to see the human. Coming down from that can feel more real. "Lazarus" is certainly the most fitting song I could imagine about death, hope, and resurrection. It's terrifyingly personal, deeply felt, without restraint. I cry every time I hear it, and likely always will. I owe a lot to David Bowie for how I'm compelled to put words together, and I'm glad he left it like this. He died on January 10, 2016 at the age of 69. This song was released just two days earlier, on his album: "Blackstar". David Bowie - Lazarus youtube.com/watch?v=y-JqH1M4Ya8 ~ ~ ~ I said to my wife the other day that I knew of no one who tried more ways to be happy than Leonard Cohen. From a long string of relationships, through a whole lot of religions and ways of thinking, reading about his life is observing a protracted inner struggle. That's probably the biggest barrier to appreciating his music, and why most folks have no knowledge of him beyond covers of "Hallelujah" – one of the most famous songs ever written. I've not a huge fan of his voice, he was never much of a singer, but he often had a grasp of poetry that was full of power. Recklessly cold tracks like "Avalanche" or "Nevermind", strangely hopeful tunes like "Democracy" and "Waiting for the Miracle", or the dark, storied sadness of "Chelsea Hotel #2" and "Famous Blue Raincoat". In any case, it's the end that brings me back. Outliving all the others I've mentioned before, Leonard Cohen by this point had surrendered even the attempt to sing. "You Want It Darker" is more of a rhythmically recited poem. So primary to his work for five decades straight, unrelenting shadows tempered by an irrepressible temptation to hope. I feel it too. He died on November 7, 2016 at the age of 82. This song was released only two weeks earlier, on his album of the same name. Leonard Cohen - You Want It Darker youtube.com/watch?v=YD6fvzGIBfQ ~ ~ ~ October 6, 2022 Kings County, Nova Scotia Year 15, Day 5443 of my daily journal.

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izzy-b-hands · 4 years

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There’s one server I’ve spent basically no time in on Discord, and tbh I think I might just leave it after tonight

Something was discussed that just finally irked me too much and god it’s dumb to vent post abt it here like this but my brain is on FIRE over it

and I don’t know anyone on there aside from general things abt them but I do know enough to know they don’t get to be deciding things re: queer men (aka they aren’t a part of that demographic), and as a queer man, seeing that going on?

just fucking makes me seethe. I’ve already been ignored as trans and called a lesbian in it (I’m a proud gay trans man-aka I’m only into other trans dudes or cis dudes-and I don’t hide that, but apparently it doesn’t matter)

the only blessed thing is that as far as I know, no one that I talk to on the other servers like DL or K Company or on tumblr is on it, so at least I won’t lose contact w/anyone I actually like talking to by leaving it

that’s what I get for searching out additional servers w/out having them be recommended by ppl I trust lmao

#text post #I'd vent abt it on the servers I do trust #but even those I get the sneaking feeling like...they aren't comfortable when I talk abt issues like this #and like...I get it #it frustrates me at times and makes me feel like I shouldn't ever get upset or feel bad when shit like this goes down #when I try to find other servers just for the hell of it #so I try to just push the feelings down but #I was about to go to bed and happened to unmute the server and immediately regretted it #but it's also the only one I ever searched out on my own and didn't have a friend send me a link to #so I probably should have expected it #but I'm pissed off all the same #and kind of hate that I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset over it #and that the only place I have to admit my feelings is here #but that is what it is and tbh #is probably influenced by me still feeling not great from last night either #but god all the same like fuck #I'm gonna go leave the server and then go to bed and feel like shit I guess #and never search out any others ever again #only going on ones that I get invited to by ppl I trust #I've finally learned my fuckin lesson

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erodasfishtacos · 3 years

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could u please do like a harry x youtuber/influencer!reader and like lots of fluff🥺

Hi bubbie! Here you go :)))

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Language

Harry was panicking. His mum and sister were going to be here in less than two hours and he’s burnt the eggplant parmigiana he had worked tediously on.

He grabbed what he had left in his fridge - ground beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and a little bit of bacon.

It was the type of foods he usually strayed away from so sometimes when his shopper would bring this stuff home - he’d avoid it and admittedly sometimes it would go bad sitting in the fridge.

The singer pulls up YouTube onto his phone - hoping something would come up when he typed in the ingredients on the search bar.

He clicks on the first video by cookingwithnofucks. A chuckle at the name as an advertisement plays.

A cute, bubbly girl appears on screen in a beautiful modern kitchen. She has a shirt on that says ‘fuck the patriarchy and eat pizza’. A high ponytail and minimal makeup.

“Okay - today we’re making a cheeseburger casserole,” the girl chirps, “It’s a heart attack in a dish but it’s so fucking good.”

Harry finds himself smiling as he crinkles his nose - it sounds absolutely disgusting but he’s intrigued more by the girl on the screen.

“Shit, I forgot to introduce myself. Hiii, if you’re new - I’m Y/N and I do cooking shit. Subscribe to my channel and all that jazz,” she titters while cutting open her beef package.

Harry follows along step-by-step, shaking his head as she doesn’t describe the instructions nearly well enough and is generally all over the place.

It’s a fucking cooking channel and at one point the meat starts burning. She just laughs and says, “s’just a little crispy!”

The casserole turns out looking even better than Y/N’s to be honest. It’s done in just the right amount of time for him to shower before his family arrives.

He makes sure to subscribe to her channel - eyebrows raising when he sees that she has 16 million subscribers.

Harry wanted to spend longer, looking at her social media but there was a fixed time so he locked his phone and went to get ready.

Anne - always the sweetheart just tells Harry that the casserole is delicious even as a bit of grease runs down her fork from the fatty meats.

Gemma wasn’t as kind, grimacing at the casserole and remarking, “You truly are turning into an American, huh?”

Laying in bed that night, Harry swipes back onto YouTube. Going back to the page he just subscribed to - under a pseudonym. He clicks on another video.

“Uh, okay. So I’m cooking...fuck, it’s called unicorn bark. It looks like a magical animal puke but it looks delicious so we’re going to try it.”

Harry realizes he’s been watching this girl cook for nearly an hour. Different videos from desserts to dinners.

She curses like a sailor, fucks up almost every recipe, and makes a mess everywhere. But she’s smiling and talkative which makes him quite memorized by her.

“I hate editing,” Y/N groans, letting her head fall dramatically against the desktop. Her best friend and dog looked at her oddly.

“I keep saying you need to hire someone, you stubborn bitch,” Laney retorts, clicking through her Instagram feed.

“Fuck off,” she tells her friend with no real heat. The video was almost fully edited - how to make spicy as fuck jalapeño poppers.

There is a calm silence for a while until Laney gasps, “Holy shit.”

“What is it?” Y/N asks, not really caring as she clicks her mouse to trim a segment.

“Harry fucking Styles just followed you on Instagram and Twitter!” Laney shouts, her dog - Rufus popping his head up in confusion.

Y/N looks at her friend to see if she’s really serious and sees no signs of deception. “Oh my god,” Y/N replies. She loved Harry Styles in One Direction and as a solo artist - a fangirl if you will.

Y/N was a well-known influencer and has run in the circles of many celebrities. She’s even met Liam Payne but she’s never been able to bump into Harry.

Her alerts tell her it to be true, she swallows as she looks back up at Laney, “He dm’ed me.”

“Open it! What did he say?” She squeals, squeezing herself on the chair next to her, peering over her shoulder at the phone.

Y/N is a bit nervous, trying not to have a mini aneurysm as she opens the message thread.

HarryStyles: Hello. Just wanted to let you know that your cheeseburger casserole recipe saved my ass last night. Cheers x

“He’s totally coming onto you,” Her friend states instantly, bouncing excitedly - she also had a bit of a crush on the singer.

It takes the two of them a minute to cool their shit before Y/N manages a reply.

Y/N/LN: Well I guess it’s only fair. Your songs have made a few of my nights much better. I’m a bit of a slut for Fine Line.

Harry laughs behind his screen at the cheeky reply he gets back. He’s usually never this forward - especially on social media where he likes to fly under the radar.

HarryStyles: Well if you fancy my music that much, I totally love for you to come to a show. I’m performing in New York City in two weeks.

“This has to be a joke, right?” Y/N sputters to her friend, eyes wide at the invite to a concert she already had tickets to.

Y/N/LN: I’m not going to lie, I already have tickets to the show. However, I don’t have any backstage passes to meet the man of the hour. Do you know someone who can hook me up?

It does wonders for Harry’s narcissism to know that she already had tickets for his concert. Was he really going to do this? He hasn’t met up with some like this since his One Direction days.

He had to remind himself - she may just be friendly and take this as a totally casual interaction. Which would be normal, Harry really shouldn’t be so infatuated with someone he’s watched cook on social media.

HarryStyles: I think I can arrange that. Shoot me your number? I’ll have them sent digitally to you with instructions on how to get backstage.

Y/N is a bit dumbfounded at how fast they agreed to meet up. A harmless backstage tour - he could just be a fan of hers and totally not interested, right?

Over the next few weeks, they never really stop texting. Harry sends her pictures of the recipes he copies off her channel - that usually always look better than the original. He sends her clips of him goofing around during tour rehearsal. FaceTimes her when he’s finally home for the night.

She sends him videos of her watching Harry Styles Best Moment Part Five. A few photos she snaps throughout the city of him on billboards and buildings, in Times Square. YN facetimes him when she’s frustrated with filming or watched a sad movie.

It didn’t make sense to either of them how seamlessly they’d clicked - especially without meeting. They were a perfect balance for each other. Harry - laidback, organized, level-headed. Y/N - eccentric, all over the place, adventurous.

Jeff had told him that he’s been gaining media attention from his social media interactions with Y/N. They like each other’s photos, begin following each other’s friends, and comment goofy things on their posts.

“Listen, I have a great idea,” Y/N begins - which Harry learned is never good. “You should film a video with me sometime.”

Y/N knew she was going out on a limb and instantly regretted the questions she’d been building the courage to ask for days when it’s quiet on his end. There’s static for a moment and Y/N needs to fill the silence.

“It was - I was just, uh, I know you’re probably too busy. I was -“ She stutters, embarrassment flooding her.

Harry cuts her off, “I’d love to.”

“Yo-you would?” She asks timidly. Was she really going to have Harry Styles in her apartment? If so, should she take down her poster?

He laughs sweetly, “Why do you sound so surprised? I can’t wait to come to New York, love.”

Y/N giggles, “Not the fact that you’re performing in front of a sold out crowd at MSG? I don’t think seeing me will top that.”

“I’ve been looking forward to meetin’ you in person since I came across your channel. You so lovely,” Harry replies, his voice a little softer but more serious.

“I’m nervous,” Y/N admits, picking at a thread in her jeans.

“Me too,” Harry murmurs, despite not wanting to admit it - he wanted her to know this was new territory for both of them. He didn’t want her to think that this was something that he did often. But a little too prideful to admit it’s the first time he’s ever done something quite like this.

“What if you don’t like me?” Y/N whispers, she...well she didn’t compare to the models he’s been seen with before. She’s regretfully fell into the rabbit hole of looking up his past flings and relationships.

Harry barks out a disbelieving laugh, “You can’t be serious, darling. I’ve been gone for you since I saw you burn that ground beef.”

Harry was having a bad day - scratch that. An awful one. He tried to go get coffee at eight in the morning and got bombarded by fans, he left the shop without even ordering. They followed him back to his car and it took him fifteen minutes to pull out.

His favorite Mickey Mouse Gucci suitcase he was bringing along on tour had busted. The zipper unraveling and the trim falling off as a result. It was a one-of-a-kind.

Then he’d been stuck on a Skype meeting about tour merchandise with a group of business partners for the last three hours - all he wanted was a fucking nap.

When Y/N’s contact vibrated across his screen, he’s itching to answer but declines as he needs to give these people his attention.

When she calls again, Harry feels a prickle of annoyance. It’s not even at her - to be quite honest. It’s just the shitty day and everything’s piling up.

He always got like this before he kicked off a tour - stress level maxed out and his ability to handle minor incidents nearly shot.

I’m busy

Okay! Sorry, just have a super exciting surprise for you, bub!

I really do not feeling like talking. I’d rather be left alone.

Oh, alright. Hope everything’s okay! Do you still want to facetime later?

Harry leaves her on read because he doesn’t want to slip up and take out his frustration on her. He’d been known to do that and he didn’t want her to think he was anything but besotted with her.

Y/N feels a little hesitant as she begins the uploading process to her channel. The red loading bar told her it’d be twenty-minutes before it’s going to be posted to her 16 million subscribers - one of them being Harry himself.

Twenty-minutes for her to back out and cancel the upload. She starts having doubts about it when Harry never replies to her text which is unlike him.

She takes Rufus out to avoid staring at the loading screen with unnecessary anxiety and uneasiness.

Harry is just getting home from a business dinner with the touring company’s management team. The tension and anxiety from today piling up on his shoulders and he just wants to call Y/N and crash in bed.

He tosses his keys in the little bowl in the entry and kicks off his dingy white vans to the side. His phone dings with an alert from Gemma.

You two are the literal cutest ever. It’s quite gross.

Harry slides onto a stool in his kitchen, confused by the text message before she’s sending the link to him.

Fine Line Inspired Cupcakes!

Harry isn’t quite sure why his heart starts pounding furiously in his chest. A sinking feeling in his stomach when he realizes that this was probably the surprise she was excited about.

He clicks on the thumbnail.

“Hiiii, it’s Y/N. Okay, well today we are going to bake some Fine Line inspired cupcakes. And if you haven’t listened to the album - get your ass out from rock you’re living under and stream it on Spotify!”

She has her hair down in long, waves and a loose cropped shirt that says TPWK in rainbow embroidery.

Harrys mouth is dry and he can’t take his fucking eyes away from the screen.

“Soo, I was thinking the first batch would be cherry flavored? ‘Cause he has a song titled ‘Cherry’. Let’s start there. First - I need to find my measuring cups.”

In true Y/N fashion, she scours her kitchen - cussing and yanking stuff out of her neatly organized cabinets before huffing and storming off to the side.

She comes back into view, a little frazzled but smiling when she holds up the ring of plastic measuring spoons, visible bite marks notched into the material.

“My asshole of a dog had a little snack,” Y/N shows the camera before shrugging, “Let’s get this shit started. Okay, you’re going to need one cup of sugar - no wait, two? I can’t read my fucking handwriting.”

Harry’s absolutely enamored by this scatter-brained, giggly girl who manages to produce cute blue and pink cupcakes that very vaguely resembled his album cover. His heart felt a million times too big for his chest.

He was enraptured for the entirety of the thirty minute video without taking his eyes away once.

To be honest, he hadn’t felt this way since his last relationship which was over a year ago at this point.

It’s not even a thought as he’s requesting a FaceTime with Y/N.

She answers after a few rings. She has a green face mask painted on her nose, chin, and forehead with gold eye masks under each eye. She is so fucking ridiculous it’s not even funny.

What is even more ridiculous is how gone Harry is realizing he is for her. She was quirky, unfiltered, carefree. If he was honest - he hadn’t met a girl like that in a very long time - especially a well-known influencer.

“Hi! How was your day, grumpy?” Y/N asks brightly, making a goofy face as the mask begins to tighten and crack on her skin. Not holding the earlier conversation against him and deciding to just move forward. She understood how stressful it can be.

“M’sorry. I was a bit grumpy,” He admits, “I loved your new video, darling. Did you make those just f’me?”

He can tell she’d be blushing if her face wasn’t covered, a bit bashful as she mutters, “You already know I did it for you.”

“You’re too sweet to me, only six days until we meet,” Harry replies, voice taking on a slow, lazy drawl.

“Six days,” Y/N repeats, eyes crinkling as she smiles with excitement.

“Is this outfit too much?” Y/N panics. Even though there’s literally nothing she can do about it - they’re already walking towards the backstage entrance of the massive arena. It’s still about two hours until the show starts but Harry requested her to come earlier.

Laney sighs, “For the millionth time, you look fucking sexy and Harry’s going to want to rail you right when he sees you.”

Y/N shoves her lightly with a faux annoyance as they meet up with a burly man who’s blocking the entrance to the backstage hallway and rooms.

She gives him their names and pulls up the passes on her phone before he’s nodding with any expression and letting them pass.

They’re not quite sure where to go from here so they begin to wander down the long hallway toward what looks to be the main area that people are milling about.

Y/N is nearly on the ground when someone rounds the corner without looking and walks right into her. Both of them let out huffs of air as they collide and attempt to stabilize themselves.

But there are large hands grasping her arms and holding her steady. In typical Y/N fashion she’s already cursing, “fuckin like a brick wall, look out next time.”

Then she’s looking up to Harry staring back down at her with an amused expression. He doesn’t let go of her and instead tugs her against his bare chest. He’s warm and a bit sweaty - like he’d just worked out. He was only in a pair of thin, running shorts, nike tennis shoes, and a little clip holding his hair off of his face.

Y/N can’t help but wrap her arms around his waist, returning the embrace and amazed by how right it feels to be in his arms. Her face tucks right against his collarbone and it’s like they’d known each other for years.

Pictures and videos don’t do this man justice. He’s gorgeous - sharp edges and dark inked skin. Tall and muscular but dimples that are carved in his cheeks.

“Nice to meet you, m’Harry,” Harry rumbles, removing one hand from Y/N’s shoulder to reach out his hand to her friend.

Laney shakes his hand before asking, “Laney. I’ll leave you two lovebirds be. Where’s the food?”

Harry chuckles against Y/N’s wavy hair, “Down the hall to the left.”

Laney’s trailing off without another glance, she was very food motivated despite her skinny frame. Also not wanting to intrude of the very personal first moments of their meeting.

The popstar pulls back to look down at the girl he’s fallen for in mere weeks. She’s as beautiful as he thought she'd be - if not more. He can’t help himself, “Would it be too forward to kiss you?”

Y/N smiles widely, running a hand along his jawline, “I’ve wanted you to kiss me since you stayed up on FaceTime with me until two in the morning as I cried after watching The Notebook - despite me seeing it a million times.”

Harry ducks forward to press his lips softly to her, large hands come to cup the side of her face as they connect. He’s so gentle as he moves his mouth against hers. In true Y/N fashion, she’s bold and has no hesitation slipping her tongue into his mouth.

He’s so fucking in love with her. It doesn’t make much sense - it’s definitely not logical but he’s realizing that’s okay.

“Oii, get a room!” Someone shouts from down the hallway teasingly.

Harry flips them the middle finger and pulls back, pink lips swollen and puffy, dimples on full display, “Let me take you out to dinner after the show, darling.”

“You going to wine and dine me, Styles?” Y/N giggles, unable to contain the pleasant warmness he’s spreading through her body.

“Mmm, have t’make sure you’ll want to keep me,” Harry murmurs happily against her lips once again, pressing kiss after kiss to her to make sure she’s real, “Definitely want to keep you.”

Y/N bites teasingly at his bottom lip, hand planted on the soft but firm skin of his stomach, “You’re never getting rid of me, hope you know that.”

“Was hoping you’d say that, now let me introduce you to my band.”

-- ---- ---- -- 1 year later - -- --- --- --

“Hi bitches! Today is a super special day. We have the one, the only Harry Styles filming with us. I know that’s not really that special since he’s on here all the time with me. But we’re celebrating our one year anniversary!” Y/N smiles, bumping hips with Harry who stands dutifully next to her.

Anyone viewing can see the absolute heart-eyes and adoration he has for the girl standing next to him. He’s still as lovestruck and gone for her as he was the first time they met. Harry’s fans were thrilled - for the first time in years, he’d opened up again.

They weren’t very public on social media beside’s tagging each other in memes and posting the occasional picture. Y/N was constantly uploading cooking videos from wherever in the world she was with Harry on his tour, she’d also begin making vlogs about different foods she’s been experiencing.

---

“Okay, so here in Peru - they’re known to have this really fucking spicy beef with noddles. So obviously, I’m going to make Harry try it first,” Y/N laughs as she props the camera up on the side of the table on a napkin holder.

Harry - who has a concert in a few hours - frowns at the steaming dish in front of him, “Darling, I don’t want to try it first. It’s going to burn my mouth. Not gonna be able to sing.”

“You’re sucha baby sometimes,” Y/N rolls her eyes, slurping up the noodles with her fork while making a silly face at her boyfriend. She pulls back, straight-faced, “It’s not hot at all. Tastes amazing, though.”

Harry takes that as an initiative to shovel a spoonful into his mouth. It only takes half a moment until his taste buds erupt in fiery flames from the spices, “You bloody little brat, y’tricked me! It’s so fuckin’ hot!”

Y/N smiles widely, laughing much too loudly in the restaurant when Harry chugs the glass of water next to the plate while glaring at his love. “I’m sorry, s’just to easy with you, lovie,” She replies, leaning over the table to press a kiss to his lips.

He’s a sucker for her and kisses her right back despite his mouth being an inferno. His heart was on fire for her and that burned much more intensely.

---

“No, love. The instructions say baking soda, not baking powder. They’re not the same thing,” Harry sighs, attempting to read her scribbled, sloppy handwriting. She’d already spilled milk on half of the paper.

“S’interchangeable, right?” Y/N hums, cracking an egg into the bowl and Harry automatically knows to look to fish out the eggshells that’d she’d let slip in because she sucks at cracking eggs but always wants to do it.

Harry reaches over her, grabbing the vanilla extract and a teaspoon, “It’s not, baby. Lemme do this real quick.”

“Will you make me a grilled cheese after this?” She asks, nuzzling into his side and wrapping her arms around his waist as he finishes adding the wet ingredients to their bowl. Harry stopped questioning her thought process a long time ago.

Harry swipes his finger into the mixture of icing off to the side and rubs it right onto her nose, cackling at her pout and squeaking when she pinches at the fleshy skin of his hips. She in turn dips her finger into the sugary cream and pops it right into her mouth.

Harry eyes darken, watching her lips purse as she sucks off the icing. It was a dirty move on Y/N’s part and she knows it. It has her boyfriend dragging an icing-covered thumb along her collarbone before leaning down to slowly lick up the sugary trail with his tongue.

When Y/N slides her fingers into his hair and lets out a pretty moan, Harry’s standing back up, trailing over to the tripod and saying into the camera, “We’ll be back after a little commercial break,” and is then turning off the record button.

It takes little to no time for Harry to have Y/N’s bum on the countertop, mouth on her neck, and hand in-between her thighs.

And when they finally posted a very edited final cut of the video - well there may be a couple of fans who notice the how flushed Y/N is halfway through and a lovely purple mark on Harry’s neck that wasn’t there in the beginning of the video.

#harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles writing request #harry styles fluff #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fic rec #harry styles prompt #harry styles x influencer y/n #harry styles smut #harry styles drabble

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itsmoonpeaches · 3 years

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New Raya and the Last Dragon trailer? New cultural influences breakdown! Please note that this breakdown comes from a SEA who comes specifically from a Filipino background. Most, if not all, of the below information will be from that lens.

Seaport/night market

The scene above looks to be heavily influenced by many on the sea towns you see in SEA. Most notably, Vietnam. However, there are many towns like these all over the SEA region. The lights and lanterns give it a night market feel, which is a concept that is seen throughout Asia in general.

We see Raya’s hat which seems to be influenced by a Philippine salakot, but it is possible that it has influences from other SEA cultures. The architecture is akin to the weather that you typically see in the region which is more humid than East Asia, and more rooted in the sea. More things here are made from bamboo and there are nipa roofs.

Ignoring the blurry con baby, let’s take a look at the clothing. In this scene we see colorful golden zig zag patterns which you typically see more to the southern part of SEA, but there are similar patterns throughout. Here, the skirts and clothing seems to have much influence from Malaysia, Indonesia, and the southern islands of the Philippines.

Oh what a scene! This is such a great view of what a typical SEA rural fishing town might look like: on the water, with houses and stores even on the water. There are narrow boats and coracles with baskets of food of all kinds of fruits and vegetables that people row around. You can see the nipa roofs really well from here, and might I add--a great looking bamboo bridge.

I have no idea how I caught this but just wanted to point out that these fruits that Raya cuts up look to be either lychees or rambutan which are found in SEA as well.

Taking a moment to paste in this still from Entertainment in the same scene to note the fish in the basket to the left and the green star-shaped lantern that really gave me Philippine parol vibes. All the lanterns in the sea town look to either be made from paper or from capiz shells and dyed different colors.

Lands and architecture

The grand looking building on top of this island looks to be influenced by architecture from Brunei. Specifically, the dome shapes. A better shot below:

The building in the middle of this island is obviously an exaggerated, fantastical version of what it was influenced by which looks to be a mix between Cambodian and Thai. All that gold...very typical of many countries in SEA. I’d also love to point out the rice terraces!!! Love them! While rice is a staple throughout Asia, it’s so nice to see it represented here. It kind of reminds me of a miniature version of the Banaue rice terraces in the northern mountain region of the Philippines.

It’s also nice to see that some of the lands seem to be influenced by the tropical, humid climates of much of SEA. The palms and the thick forests are typical in much of the region.

Oh the rice fields. Raya and Sisu are standing here on one. We can see the mountainous background, reminiscent of the northern Philippines, the rain which just looks so typical that I’m kind of impressed by this particular setting.

Other cultural touches

At first glance, you might think this looks like a lotus flower, but I think it’s actually either a plumeria or a jasmine flower. Both are abundant in the region, and just imagining the fragrant smell of a jasmine flower here fits more as a story set in SEA and not in East Asia.

This is not an opinion post, so I won’t state my opinions on the final (non-statue) design of the dragon, but I can analyze what it’s most likely based after.

Unlike dragons in East Asia, SEA are often depicted with a long horn at the front. This is most prominent in Thai depictions. In many countries of the region, this dragon is called a naga. While a naga is also in South Asian mythology, they are a bit different here. Naga are so important within SEA cultures that we have multiple places (and a river) named after them all over SEA and particularly a few times in the Philippines.

What I can tell you is mostly the Philippine version, but a naga is a serpentine creature that lives deep in the ocean, and are often associated with water. Sometimes they are depicted as having the upper half of a woman. A more famous naga (or a naga-influenced dragon), is Bakunawa--the great sea dragon that devours the moon and causes eclipses. It is said that Bakunawa is a naga, and sometimes the names are interchanged.

In the southern islands of the Philippines, depictions of naga are seen carved throughout buildings, particularly on roofs. A typical dance movement where you keep your hands curved and your fingers bent toward yourself is called “naga hands” and is supposed to be reminiscent of a naga’s graceful claws.

Highlighting here how cool it is to see that this is indeed a water dragon which is consistent with a naga. It’s also nice to note that it shapeshifts with water. Naga are supposed to have influence over earthquakes, the sea, rainfall, storms, and the like. They can also sometimes shapeshift into humans.

Remember what I said about naga influencing rainfall?

And then we have the shape-shifting into a human!

Raya’s sword is a wavy blade called a kris blade. Found throughout many countries in SEA, the one I am most familiar with is the Philippine one. From what I know of it, they are blades that are wavy because when they pierce someone, it is more painful when they are withdrawn.

Her fighting style is also influenced by Philippine martial arts. Notably arnis and escrima. They are fighting techniques that rely on shifting your opponent’s weight around, using their force against them. They also have a lot of quick footwork and practitioners are usually skilled with weapons such as swords and kali sticks. (Fun fact: I’ve heard some people say that the footwork from arnis may have influenced the quick steps of the national dance of the Philippines, tinikling.) To see more on that, check out the first teaser trailer where she uses kali sticks, and my first analysis. That analysis also goes into the clothing influences.

THE GOLD. Gold is so, so important in SEA. This was a big glaring problem after seeing the first teaser trailer...there was not enough gold! Here, we can see that there is in fact, gold. The architecture here looks like a mix of different things, but I’m seeing perhaps...Thai?

And here we have Tuk Tuk who is probably named after a tuk-tuk--a motorbike with a side carriage like a rickshaw--seen in SEA. “Tuk-tuk” is what this rickshaw is called in Thailand. In the Philippines it’s simply known as a tricycle. They are vehicles for hire, which is kind of funny since Raya rides Tuk Tuk.

Also of note, Tuk Tuk the animal is a giant pangolin. While I don’t know of any this size, they are found in SEA as well as other parts of the world.

Tuk Tuk looks like he’s eating a pink pomelo (grapefruit)? Not entirely sure, but that would fit the mold if he was in the Philippines. For some reason, grapefruit seems to be a popular fruit item.

That’s all I got! If you come from another SEA culture or noticed any other things (or things that I got wrong), feel free to add to this post!

#raya #raya and the last dragon #disney #tuk tuk #raya analysis #long post #tldr #southeast asia #philippines #analysis #ratld

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theirbbygirl · 3 years

Text

Second Lead Syndrome

Word Count: ~8.7k words

liked this? there’s more on my masterlist!

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Comedy, Female reader insert

Description: Y/n and Minho have been friends for more than 2 years now, but suddenly she begins to see herself as the mere second lead in Minho’s story. Will she be the rare second lead who gets her own happy ending?

Warnings: some crying, themes of unrequited love (if there’s anything that I missed don’t hesitated to let me know!)

I’d only ever encountered Second Lead Syndrome in the dramas I’d watched. Wanting the girl to end up with the second lead who was so obviously the better and healthier choice, but like every avid watcher of kdramas, it's more than likely for the main leads to end up with each other, that was just how it worked. What I never thought I’d encounter was seeing it happen before my own eyes and experience it firsthand.

Life was never supposed to be a kdrama. Life was supposed to be simple, a straight line, going from point A to B with no complications. But life never really went my way did it? It just had to throw in one variable, one man that had too much influence on my life.

I couldn’t remember the first time I met Minho. It was probably sometime in the first grade when his family first moved in next to mine. But alas, we were both too young to remember exactly what sparked our friendship. One day we were strangers and the next we had given our parents a near heart attack when we both went after a stray cat on the way back home (my mom’s words, not ours). From then my memories were filled with him, just us besties hanging out like anyone would with their best friend. First party, first mental breakdown, first drink, all with him. Soon enough we were in our final year of University, and ultimately, adults.

The Minho I knew was laid back, not too extroverted but not too introverted either. While I completely contrasted him, always anxious about something, wanting perfection to the T, and completely and utterly introverted. Our friendship, moving into University, sparked a lot of questions. You wouldn’t typically find the introverted straight-A student with the borderline badboy tsundere walking and laughing in the halls together, spending practically every waking moment together. But Minho didn’t care, and neither did I, so we moved through life pretty easily.

One of the few things we had in common was our love for cats, and when we both foudn out there was a cat cafe just a few minutes walk from our campus, you best bet we spent too much of our time and money there. Studying, hanging out, anything you could imagine. If we weren’t in one of our dorms, we were more than likely to be in the cat cafe.

Every day after class we’d go there and we’d complain about our least favorite professors and how lectures would seemingly last for longer than they should. Additionally, Minho had almost become akin to my own dormmate with how much time he spent in my dorm. He’d come in whenever he wished, stealing my frozen pizzas and sodas, using my Netflix account on my TV to watch weird National Geographic shows and make random comments like “that snake looks just like Kim Seungmin,” or “look its Hannie” whenever a squirrel came on screen. Minho was always there when I needed a drinking partner after bombing a test or assignment, pouring me shots of soju until I passed out and bringing me to my bed and tucking me in whiel he would sleep on the couch to make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid in the middle of the night.

Although, more people knew Minho’s name than mine, but that didn’t bother any of us. We continued on being friends as usual, and it felt like nothing would change that. Life was moving in a straight line like it should’ve always been.

At least, that’s what it felt like until February, just a few months before we graduated.

I make my way to our usual spot in the courtyard after buying an iced coffee and a snickers bar from the vending machine next to my classroom, I walk up behind Minho sitting on a bench when I find him staring out in front of him instead of looking at cat videos on his phone like he usually does. Slowing my walk, I trail my eyes to the vague direction he’s facing and see that he’s looking at Kim Seungmin and a girl chatting outside the classroom. I ignore the thought, opting to think that Minho must’ve spaced out thinking about how he would irritate Seungmin next class. I plop down next to him when he still doesn’t take note of my arrival, so I get right next to his ear and blow cold air into it, snickering when he jolts in surprise.

“What was that for?” He whines, fake annoyed.

“You got lost up in your thoughts for a certain Kim Seungmin there.” I snicker some more, opening my snickers (hehe) bar.

Just as I’m about to take the first bite of the sugary goodness, the chocolate bar gets snatched out of my hands and a certain Lee Minho takes an obnoxious bite out of it, not even giving it back but eating it like it was his. I pout, watching him devour my snack, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to get it back.

“For your information, I was not thinking about Kim Seungmin.” He says pointedly, slightly muffled by the chocolate in his mouth.

I sigh, knowing I wasn’t going to get that chocolate bar back any time soon, and open my iced coffee. “So what were you thinking about then?” I ask before taking a sip.

“Don’t know, spaced out.” Is all the answer I get and I highly doubt him, but I brush it off anyways and don’t pry.

Minho and I slide into our usual conversation about assignments, plans for the week, and everything under the sun. We talk about how he’s planning to visit home the next day and stay for a weekend and how excited he is to see his cats after a long time, I unknowingly smile at his ramble about how talkative Dori is, and just sit back and listen. I never took into account how healing it was to just watch and listen to him talk, the sultry of his voice and his little exclamations of frustration or excitement that came once in a while. I had to catch myself from staring when he turned to look at me, having asked me a question I didn’t catch.

“Sorry what was that?” I ask.

“Am I that beautiful for you to have lost your hearing to my handsome face?” I couldn’t just tell him that that was basically what had happened, it would inflate his ego by too much and reveal everything I’d hidden thus far.

“The heck? No, I was thinking about how great it would be to get some peace and quiet while you’re not around this weekend.” I lie, having Minho around is the only thing that brings me entertainment that isn’t endless sappy kdramas on my laptop, but he can never know that.

Minho scoffs, says something under his breath that I don’t quite catch, then turns back to me. “You love me.” He says with a pout.

“Unfortunately I do.”

That was the first of many inconspicuous confessions.

It was nearing 3 or 4 am and I was about halfway done with another kdrama when several knocks resound through the small living space. Knowing exactly who it is, I only shout back “you know the code!” and moments later the door opens.

I don’t bother to get up and greet Minho, this exact scene has happened too many times for either of us to care at this point, and it doesn’t surprise me that the moment he enters he shouts, “Honey I’m home!” like we’re in some cheesy romcom.

“Mhmm, welcome home, leech.” I enunciate the last word purposely, but I know he won’t bat an eye at the term. I continue to chew my popcorn while he wanders through my cabinets, looking for snacks. “There’s chips in the cabinet next to the fridge and sprite in there too. If you want more food order Chinese takeout.”

“I don’t have my wallet.” I can practically hear his pout from where I sat, eyes unmoving from the TV screen.

“You know where mine is, but you have to pay me back.” A few seconds pass with no response until suddenly he’s next to me and kissing my cheek.

“I loveeee you!” He says too sweetly, retreating back to the mini-kitchen to order takeout.

“Mhmm, I love you too.” I say, not loud enough for him to hear the confidence missing from my tone.

Continuing to watch the episode of in front of me, I remain in my comfortable position, only moving to lift my legs when Minho comes back to sit on the couch under my legs and the blanket.

“Oh you’re watching this one?” He asks, reaching into the bowl of popcorn I offer him.

“Yeah, didn’t have anything else to watch so I put it on since everyone seems to like it so much.”

“Mm,” he hums while also indulging himself into the scenes playing in front of him. “You’re probably team potato guy, right?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I am!” I scoff.

“I don’t know, I still think she should end up with Jae-eon.”

“Are you crazy? He literally leads her on like every playboy and is ruining her mentality by not defining their relationship.”

“Yeah, but they’re so cute together, and you can totally tell he feels something for her.” He argues.

“Just cause they’re cute together doesn’t mean they’re good for each other, the entire guy is a walking red flag, I don’t understand why she doesn’t just walk away when she’s had experience with a shit boyfriend.” I sigh.

“You, have major second lead syndrome.” He points an accusing finger at me.

“So what? It’s for good reason, the main lead is toxic as fuck and you can’t change my mind.” I upturn my nose, turning back to the TV and continuing to watch the episode.

The mentioning of the second lead sends a flurry of thoughts into my brain for a reason I can’t comprehend. Sometimes the main leads aren’t that bad but still we want the main character to end up with the second lead, maybe out of our own natural selfishness because we prefer the second lead more. I shake the thoughts away, trying to convince myself that kdramas were only works of fiction and too cheesy to be real, yet for whatever reason I always felt a connection with the second leads, like our emotions directed to our crushes were the same, because I knew that I would always be the second lead in Minho’s story.

Minho’s name was always called out more times than mine was growing up, which I didn’t really mind until our hangout time would be seriously cut down because he had to hang out with other friends. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that he had friends, but there was a little bit of selfishness in me that wanted him to myself.

A new drama and a few episodes later, plus Chinese takeout, lead to our eventual demise. We both fall asleep on the couch in less than comfortable positions and wake up with stiff-neck, us groaning at the pain.

We continue on with our usual morning routines, taking turns freshening up in the bathroom before heading out for breakfast at Paws and Pastries since we were both too lazy to make food ourselves. Besides, hot coffee in the morning plus good sandwiches AND cats? What more could you ask for?

When we enter the cat cafe I notice a familiar face behind the cashier, it was the same girl Seungmin was talking to on Friday, and the same girl I caught Minho staring at. We walk up to the cashier, I order my food first, a simple breakfast sandwich with a coffee to go with it and wait next to Minho to finish ordering.

I made the mistake up glancing up at his face as he was telling his order to her, Ahra, her name tag read. There was something in his eyes that glinted that I had never seen before, not when he talked to Han and not when he talked to me. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of emotion in the middle of my chest before forcing myself to look back down, inserting my card and paying for everything. I sent the girl a thank you and a kind smile after she told us our food would be right over, and both me and Minho went over to our usual table in the back corner next to the cat’s jungle gym and right up next to the window. I get lost in my thoughts while we begin playing with the cats we were so accustomed to.

Like most second leads, I knew exactly what my feelings were. I was practically an adult, how could I miss the fast beating of my heart or my clammy hands whenever I was around him? But again, like most second leads, I knew I’d never get a chance with him, not when everything we did together was purely platonic. It was painfully obvious that I’d be stuck with an unrequited love for who knows how long, and I couldn’t just detach myself from him all of a sudden to get over my feelings because a) he’d notice and force me to tell him what was wrong, ultimately leading me to tell him that I had feelings for him, and b) the moment I would come back or see him for even just a second I know I would develop those feelings all over again. Neither of which were choices I was willing to take so I suck it up and see him every day, ignoring everything my heart was telling me.

I look up from the cat that I’m petting in my lap and look at Minho again, only to find him staring at Ahra who was taking people’s orders with a perfect pearly smile. It was in that moment that I knew, I had just found the female lead of Minho’s story.

3 weeks go by in a similar manner. Minho and I see Ahra around campus a few times and with some twisted fate, she’s on the clock every time we go to Paws and Pastries. Minho, being his smooth self, easily gets himself acquainted with her. They laugh and giggle so naturally and can slip into conversation so easily I’m almost envious of Minho and his non-introverted self.

Not being one to try and stop fate, I watch it all happen. Telling Minho to ask her out already and teasing him about how lovesick he gets when he sees her nearby or at the cafe. I know Minho likes her when he blushes or gets defensive whenever I mention her in our conversations even though he’s never explicitly told me himself. I put on a face in front of him whenever these conversations come up, not wanting to get in the way of his happiness.

One day some of our friends want to meet up outside of campus, we make plans to meet up at a bowling alley, ready to have fun until the late evening hours. Seungmin brought Ahra along with him, asking if it was okay to invite her since they were friends. Everyone agrees and we all meet up as planned. When everyone gets there, including Seungmin and Ahra, we introduce ourselves, Minho not having to introduce himself and easily speaking with her like they always did whenever running into each other. All the the boys have raised brows and mischievous smiles as they watch the interaction between the two, but only one looks at me in concern.

A majority of the night passes by with laughter and teasing, how Chan was terrible at bowling this night and Minho easily beating him despite never doing too well on our previous adventures to the bowling alley. I spend the night with the rest of the boys, while Minho and Ahra spend time getting to know each other even more. There’s a point in the evening where I see Minho hold out his phone to Ahra to exchange numbers, I can hear her giggle when they take a selfie together, probably for her profile picture. I have to turn my head away quickly to ignore the cracking of my own heart when Minho puts his arm on the couch behind Ahra, he does it so naturally, yet he’s never done it with me. I will my thoughts to focus on the game and not on Minho, not noticing the same pair of concerned eyes until they speak up.

“Are you alright?” Hyunjin asks.

“Hm? Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” My voice cracks halfway through and I try to hide my sad eyes, even though I was fully aware that Hyunjin had probably noticed that something was up.

“‘Cause you seem pretty affected by that scene over there.” He motions to Minho and Ahra with a nod of his head.

“It’s nothing, Hyun, just nice seeing Minho talking to more people.”

“Y/n, you know he talks to people all the time, and you’re not nearly as affected then as you are now.”

“Hyunjin, really, it’s fine.” I try to convince him but he says something that lets me know that he knows.

“You like Minho.”

“What? No that’s absurd I-“ He looks at me pointedly, and I sigh in defeat. “Yeah, okay, you got me.”

“Why don’t you say anything? Clearly it hurts you to see him like that.” He refers to Minho getting cozy with her.

“Hyunjin, it’s clear that everything we have is platonic, he even called me his sister several times. And who am I to get in the way of him getting into a relationship? That’s not my place to say anything, especially when his last girlfriend was 2 years ago.”

“I get that, but shouldn’t he at least deserve to know? He says that he knows everything about you, but there’s one thing that he doesn't. You know practically everything about him, isn’t it a little unfair?”

“We have choices as to what we share with each other and what we don’t, it’s his choice to tell me what he wants to and my choice to tell him what I want to tell him. Besides, he hasn’t even told me that he has a crush on Ahra yet.”

“So maybe he doesn’t then.”

“Hyunjin, just look at him, he’s a puppy in love.” I glance back over to Minho and Ahra sitting parallel to us. Minho is smiling brightly, more brightly than I had seen in a while and I can’t help but let my lips upturn at the corners just slightly in another sad smile.

Hyunjin sighs next to me, and I look back to him. “I’m sorry y/n, I really wish he would end up with you instead of her, it doesn’t seem fair to you.”

“Hey, don’t say that, Ahra seems like a nice girl, she and Minho will get along great. And nothing in life is fair Hyunjin, that’s just something you come to accept.” I say, getting up. “I’m gonna get some drinks, does anyone want anything?” I ask everyone.

“Cola!” “Me too!” “Me three!” “A lemonade please.” A few of the boys shout back.

“Anything for you guys?” I turn to Minho and Ahra. They both shake their heads. “Okay then, I’ll be back in a minute guys.” I smile at the group before going to get the drinks.

While walking away from the group I let a teardrop fall from my eye, wiping it away just before I order.

Life’s unfair, that’s just something I have to accept.

A week goes by and Minho’s talking about how he and Ahra message often, how he thinks they get along well and he’s gonna ask her out.

Another week goes by and they’ve gone on their first date, he takes her to the beach and they have a picnic.

Two weeks after that they’ve gone on several dates and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I don’t even find out separately at this point, I find out with the rest of the group over dinner.

A few days after that Minho calls off one of our late night binge watching sessions, texting me an apology and that Ahra needs him. I tell him it’s okay and to send my regards to her.

It’s a week and half after and Minho regularly calls off our meetups at the cafe after school or at one another’s dorms to tend to Ahra. I tell him it’s fine each time and to not feel bad. He did the same today, and I sit alone at our usual table, mindlessly petting a cat in my lap while zoning out into in my mug of coffee.

All while this happens, I watch, and I let it happen. I don’t fight for him because it didn’t feel right, sometimes second leads let their love fall for someone else, and that’s all it felt like I could do.

Fighting for Minho felt selfish, especially when I knew I had no chance and he’d already fallen for Ahra. I couldn’t suddenly come out of the blue and tell him “hey, I have feelings for you,” when he’s already dating Ahra, I’d look like a major asshole if I did. All I could do was watch and see how we begun to drift farther and farther apart.

With Minho being absent more often, I don’t get to tell him much. Like the internship offer I got to continue pursuing graphic design in Itaewon. I got the email almost a week ago, and I had two more weeks to decide if I was going to take the offer. With nobody to consult about it with I continue to push it to the back of my mind, not wanting to deal with more stress just yet.

Just as I’m taking another sip of my coffee a familiar head of long blonde hair enters the cafe. My head tilts to the side in confusion as he scans the room for someone when he meets eyes with me, he makes his way over and sits in the seat in front of me and doesn’t say anything.

“You’re rarely on this side of town, why are you here?” I ask Hyunjin first.

“I heard something from Ms. Kim in our art class and needed to know if it was true.” He says seriously.

“What…” I feel like I know what he’s going to say, but I ask anyways. “What did you hear?”

“That you were offered an internship in Itaewon.”

“Hyunjin I-“

“Is it really true? She said you had two more weeks to decide, how come you haven’t told anybody? Does Minho know? Are you gonna leave? What about-” He begins to spurt out question after question and it’s almost too much for me to handle.

“Hyunjin!” I raise my voice just slightly to get him to stop but I have to turn it down again when the volume of my voice makes a few of the other customers’ heads turn. “Calm down, yes it’s true, yes I have two more weeks to decide if I’m going or not, I didn’t know how I would tell any of you, no, Minho doesn’t know and I don’t plan on telling him.”

“Are you… Are you gonna take the offer?” He asks slowly.

I prop my elbows onto the table as the cat leaves my lap and my head drops into my hands as I sigh in exasperation. “I don’t know.” Tears are gathering in my eyes as I think about it.

“Y/n, have you thought about the offer at all?”

“Yes and no.” I don’t need to lift my head to sense Hyunjin’s confusion. “It’s hard to think about it when you’re watching your crush of 2 years date someone else while you’re also trying to finish up your senior year. But it’s also all I can think about when I’m alone, which I find myself a lot, thinking about having to find a place to live in Itaewon and transfer and mentally prepare to leave you all here, but if I don’t take it then it’ll be even harder to find an offer like this. It’s all I can think about and also something that I can’t bring myself to think about, Hyunjin.” I lift my head and my teary eyes meet his own.

“Y/n…” His voice breaks saying my name.

“I think I’m going to take it.” I pause. “Once I finish all of my final assignments the only thing I have left to really worry about is graduating and finding a job, and I don’t think I can take watching Minho and Ahra anymore Hyun, I don’t think I can stomach it. I’m happy for them, I truly am, but it’s also affecting me and I don’t think I should ignore that anymore. If I’m in Itaewon I have a job and I won’t have to worry about feelings anymore, two birds with one stone.”

I see the hesitancy in Hyunjin’s facial expressions before he speaks. “If that’s what you think you should do, then I’ll support you all the way. But shouldn’t you tell Minho about this?”

“I’m not, because if I do, Minho is gonna find some way to get me to stay and I’ll crumble and stay because he affects me the most.” Hyunjin merely nods in response. “Hyunjin, you are the only one that can know about this, okay? I can’t have everyone else know this, especially Minho, okay?”

Hesitation again, and then, “Okay.”

Hyunjin keeps his promise, he keeps the secret of me leaving from everyone. Even as graduation inches closer and our group begins to talk more about job searching, what comes next, and similar topics, the two of us keep it a secret. Whenever they asked me what I was thinking of doing next I always just told them “oh probably looking for internships nearby,” and no more questions are asked.

Minho and Ahra were still very much in love, even more than before, if the growing absence of Minho’s presence was anything to go by. I barely saw Minho anymore, maybe catching him at the end of the hall every once in awhile, but he was always walking with Ahra so all I could say was “hello” and “goodbye.”

Each goodbye begun to hold more and more weight as the days passed. Even the short ones I would tell Minho after passing him in the halls. I couldn’t even conjure how I would tell everyone, maybe send a letter to each of their places? A text message? Tell them after the graduation ceremony just before I left for the train station? I thought about how I would say goodbye as I begun to pack up my dorm. Graduation was nearing, I had already turned in all of my final assignments, and all there was left was to pack. I would leave after the ceremony ended, sometime in the afternoon. I wouldn’t even get the chance to properly celebrate being graduates with my friends because I was leaving in the afternoon. I’d get situated in my new apartment in Itaewon and get accustomed to new life outside of Gimpo.

The thought of leaving panged my heart harshly, I had never left Gimpo permanently before. Sure, I had gone on trips to the US and Singapore and Seoul before, but I had never moved from Gimpo. I was born and raised in Gimpo, met Minho and all of our friends here, so the thought of moving for the first time did something to my heart. I attended all of our group hangouts with a nostalgic mindset, remembering the first time we all met, when we all got wasted one time on a Friday night after some big exam week. I look around our table of friends and think about how much I’ll miss all of this when I leave for Itaewon.

Another thing that panged my heart, Minho and I distancing. I knew it was coming, Minho and I didn’t text or talk about hanging out anymore. He walked Ahra to her classes now, and had dates with her after class instead of meeting me at our cafe. Eventually I stopped getting apology messages, and stopped expecting him at the cafe anymore. I couldn’t blame him, Ahra was his girlfriend and I accepted that long ago. Instead I just played the supportive friend on the sidelines, and I’d continue to play that role for as long as I had to.

It came to be the night before we graduated, and all of us minus Minho and Ahra were sat around a table in one of the restaurants we frequented, it wasn’t too late in the evening, and we all just sat in silence after finishing our food with bottles and glasses of soju now sitting in front of us. A majority of our meal was full of reminiscing, talking about memories that crack everyone up and left smiles on our faces.

“So, we really graduate tomorrow, huh?” Changbin says when the table quiets down.

“Yeah, I guess we do.” Chan says quietly.

My eyes tear up and I begin to sniff without control, the weight of my department tomorrow weighing heavily on my shoulders. Hyunjin puts an arm around my shoulders and gives me a tissue, whispering “it’s okay, it’s okay” to me while I try to calm down.

Everyone looks at me in confusion before Chan speaks first. “Y/n are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just…” I trail off, not sure what to say.

“Do you want to tell them?” Hyunjin asks softly.

“Tell us what?” Seungmin says this time.

Hyunjin looks to me first before nodding, and I begin to spill my secret. “I got an internship offer.”

The table erupts in cheers and I get congratulations thrown back at me before I can even continue.

“But…” Immediately everyone silences and looks to me in expectation. “It’s in Itaewon.”

There’s a tense air that falls around us. “What?” Felix says in disbelief.

“You’re not leaving us, right Noona?” Jeongin asks from another part of the table.

I look to Jeongin with sad eyes, smiling sadly. “I leave tomorrow, after our graduation ceremony.” There’s some gasps around the table.

“What?! Y/n, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Changbin blows up and Chan has to place a hand on his shoulder to restrain him.

“I didn’t want every time we met leading up to graduation to feel like a goodbye, Bin, I couldn’t handle that. So I kept it from you all so there wasn’t this tension every time we met.” I explained.

“Does Minho know?” Seungmin asks this time, and I shake my head.

“Y/n…” Han says worriedly.

“Guys, I know I’m not the only one that’s noticed that me and Minho aren’t that close anymore, so I haven’t really gotten the chance to tell him. But I told Hyunjin this a long time ago, that I wouldn’t tell Minho specifically, because there’s some things that I need to figure out and if I told him he’d find some way to keep me from going, or even worse, follow me. At least with Ahra by his side he won’t follow me to Itaewon.” There’s nods all around the table, understanding where I’m coming from.

“We’re gonna miss you a lot.” Felix sniffs and I coo, getting up from my seat to wrap my arms around him from behind.

“I’m gonna miss you all too.” I sniff with him, a few tears escaping my eyes.

Chan comes to join our hug, then Han, then Jeongin, and soon enough everyone has joined the group hug with me in the middle. All of us are crying, and I had never felt more loved than that moment.

Eventually we break away from the hug and return to our seats, everyone dabbing at their eyes with tissues and sniffing.

“Let’s all stop crying, tonight is a night to celebrate, all of us graduate tomorrow, and our dear Y/n got an internship offer in a big city!” Han holds up a drink and we all do the same, cheering and clinking our glasses together and celebrating the night away.

The next morning I get ready for graduation early, putting on my makeup and doing my hair, and sending a message.

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

hey, can you meet me at p&p in thirty?

My heart picks up the pace as I send the message, I didn’t expect him to answer so quickly yet his message pings my phone within 2 minutes.

from: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sure, i can be there

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sweet, i’ll see you there

I turn my phone off and take a deep breath, we still had a few hours before we had to be at the school for our graduation ceremony, I’d have to leave just a few minutes after the ceremony ended which wouldn’t give me enough time to tell Minho, so, I made the painful decision the night before to tell him in the morning. I’d do it in our favorite spot in the corner of our favorite cat cafe, tell him the news slowly and hope that he takes it well.

I leave my house and 15 minutes later I’m in our usual booth, my coffee order sitting in front of me and the cats all wandering around as there weren’t too many people since it was relatively early in the morning. I already bought Minho his typical Iced Americano and it sat in front of me, awaiting it’s owner.

10 minutes later Minho arrives and makes his way to the table, sitting in front of me, smiling, unknowing of what’s about to happen.

“Hey.” I smile at him.

“Hey you.” He smiles back brightly. “Sorry I couldn’t see you guys last night, I took Ahra out for dinner last night on a date.”

“It’s completely alright, how are you guys?”

“Pretty good, things are going okay right now.” He answers.

“That’s good.” Nervously I take a sip of my macchiato in front of me, my leg bouncing in anxiety.

“Y/n? Is everything alright? Your leg’s bouncing pretty fast right now.” Curse Minho and the fact that he knows so much about me, he reaches out for my wrist and checks my pulse, quickly noticing how fast it’s beating as his brows furrow in confusion.

“Minho, there’s something I need to tell you.” I say, retracting my wrist from his grip. He doesn’t answer me but instead tilts his head like a cat does when it looks at its owner questionably. “I’m leaving.”

“What?” He asks.

How could one look so endearing, head tilted and eyes full of emotion as I break the news to him? I ask myself. “I got an internship offer for a company in Itaewon, I accepted it and I’m leaving for Itaewon, today.”

“You’re leaving today?” He says in disbelief, sounding out of breath.

I nod and continue. “After the graduation today I have to catch my bus. I didn’t have any other time to tell you so I had to tell you now.”

“You’re… You’re just telling me now? Do the others know about this?”

“I only told them last night.”

“You couldn’t have thought of telling me sooner?” He starts to get angry.

“Minho I-“

“What happened to telling me everything, huh? What happened to when we used to know everything about each other?”

“Minho, those days are long behind us, you have bigger priorities now, like putting your focus on your girlfriend, Minho. I couldn’t tell you because I knew you’d do something rash, and I didn’t even tell the others until last night because I knew every time we’d see each other it would be like preparing for the day I leave. You and Ahra have something so great going on for the two of you right now and telling you that I was leaving would take you away from that, and I can’t do that to you or her. Ahra is an amazing girl, and you have her now.”

“Will you at least visit?” His eyes are full of tears, some of the first I’ve seen in years and I hate that I’m the cause of it.

“I don’t know yet, there’s some things I need to figure out myself first, before I can visit. But at some point maybe I will, when I’ve figured things out I’ll try visiting from time to time.” I offer him a sad smile.

After a few moments of silence I get up from my seat.

“We still have a graduation left, Min, I’ll still see you then.” I ruffle his hair and walk out of the cafe, no more secrets but one weighing down on my chest.

The Graduation ceremony passes by in a blur. One moment we were listening to the speeches of each of the professors and the next we were tossing our caps into the air, cheering as we became alumni of our university.

Our friend group met up in the front of the school, taking pictures with our parents and congratulating each other. Eventually, the time comes and I have to go.

Our group stands in a circle, unmoving, as we all look at each other.

“I’m gonna miss all of you so much.” I say in tears as my voice breaks.

“We’re gonna miss you too, Y/n.” Hyunjin says. At his words everyone gathers into a group hug full of tears and the weight of a goodbye on our shoulders.

“You better promise to visit us, okay?” Felix holds me by the shoulders and makes a point to look me in the eye. Not trusting my voice, I nod and he brings me into one more hug.

I hug each of them individually, saying a few words, before I reach the last person.

I hug Minho and look into his eyes for the last time for a while.

“I’ll miss you.” He whispers.

“Me too.” And that’s all I can say.

I leave the campus for the last time, hopping in my car to head to the station and start anew.

Second leads always leave in the end, they leave and let the two main leads have a happy ending. That’s what it felt like I was doing, and I couldn’t tell if I was content with my choice or not.

Two and a half months in Itaewon passes quickly.

The move into my new apartment was smooth, and it was odd to be in a bigger space than a small dorm room. It felt like I had more space than I knew what to do with.

My internship was moving along smoothly as well, everyone I had met so far were really kind and taught me a lot. I was worried about feeling out of place but I had met a few other girls not much older than me who helped me feel at home.

Being alone in a big city was unnerving, but what made it so much more comfortable was the addition of a cat that my parents had bought me as my graduation gift. She was a chartreux cat who I named Luna because I had always dreamed of naming my first cat that. My parents covered most of the costs of basic things like cat toys, a scratch post, her bed, and similar things. I thanked my parents endlessly when they came over to my apartment a week after I had moved in and gave me Luna. I wasn’t gone for too long during the day and always left food for her, she was great company when I came home and worked on projects late into the evening, curling up into my lap like the cats at the old cafe used to. She was my best friend in a city I was still getting accustomed to.

I hadn’t talked to the guys much, I’d talked with them a few times in the group chat about how their job searches were going and trips they were planning to take soon. It was nice talking with them every so often but all of us were still pretty busy moving onto the next chapter of our lives.

I hadn’t talked to Minho since I left, I’d assumed that he and Ahra were doing well, but that’s all that was, assumption. None of the boys talked about him and I couldn’t understand why, but I never asked since I was supposed to be moving on from my feelings in the first place. I thought I had been doing pretty well until something would come up that reminded me of him, like his favorite song would play in the cafe I bought my morning coffee in and spent my breaks at, or snapchat would send me “Today, 1 year ago” memories of him and me fooling around at Paws and Pastries. Whenever that would happen I’d be sent back to square one, and it felt like I’d never move on from Minho.

I was on my way out to grab a coffee and spend my off day walking around, maybe looking into a few shops when I got a call from Hyunjin.

“Y/n! My favorite girl, how are you?”

“Hyunjin? What’s with the call?”

“What? Can I not call my friends from time to time?”

“Not when you’re notorious for calling your ‘friends’ after you’ve done something wrong.” I sigh.

“That was one time! Besides, it wasn’t that bad.”

“You dragged Jeongin to a party! And got him wasted!”

“One. Time. Y/n. It was one time.”

“One time is enough for you to be in trouble for life, Hyun.”

“Okay, whatever, but I was meaning to ask you, what’re your plans for today?”

“Me? I was just planning to go out, today’s my day off so I was gonna visit this one cafe and see some shops, why?”

“No reason, what time do you think you’ll be home?”

“Maybe five?”

“Great, okay, I have to go now, Han’s calling me, bye!” Hyunjin hangs up before I can ask him what’s with the weird questions.

“Hyunjin- Oh great he hung up.” I put my phone in my pocket before looking down at Luna who’s stretching near my legs. “Your uncle Hyunjin is quite the odd one, isn’t he Luna, hm?” I ask her and she meows back in response. “Weird indeed, but that’s just how he is. Mommy’s gonna spend her day out and then she’ll come home and we can watch the TV together, okay? I’ll be home soon.” I pick up Luna and set her on her little bed before ensuring everything is safe and make my way out the door.

I spend the day eating at a large cat cafe that actually had an assortment of books with little reading areas while the cats roamed around everywhere. It was much bigger than the cafe in Gimpo, but I would always correlate that one with home.

After I spent a bit of time reading there I went out and explored the shops for a few hours, bought some new jeans and a few blouses plus some makeup things. I got Subway for lunch and explored just a little bit more before heading home. Instead of going straight home, I decided to take the long way, going through the streets not minding the extra weight the few shopping bags I was holding in my hands gave me. The sun was just barely beginning to set as I walked into my apartment complex, getting into the elevator and pressing the button for my floor.

I walk down the hallway to my door and am surprised when a familiar figure greets me there.

“Minho?” I say as I walk closer.

“Y/n!” He says happily, bringing me into a hug.

“What are you doing here? Actually- Wait- Don’t answer that, do you wanna come inside?” I ask him.

“Sure.” He responds.

I unlock the door and bring my bags in, setting them by the door. “Luna! Mommy’s home!” I call out automatically.

Luna meows and comes out of the bedroom, walking her way up to me before I pick her up.

“You got a cat?” Minho asks.

“Yeah, parents brought her to me about a week after I moved in.” I put Luna back down and she moves to sit on the arm of the couch, her favorite spot to sit when the sun goes down.

“And you named her Luna,” He smiles fondly. “You always wanted to name your cat Luna.”

“I’m surprised you remember that.” I chuckle. “Do you want some coffee?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll get that brewing, just give me a few minutes, you can take a seat on the couch and make yourself at home!” I tell him as I quickly retreat to the kitchen.

I have to take a few breaths when I’m far away enough from Minho, my heart beating just as fast as it would when I was around him back then. It was clear I hadn’t moved on at all.

I brew the coffee as promised and wait next to the coffee machine with two mugs ready. A voice chimes in behind me.

“Your place is much bigger than the dorms.” He chuckles.

“Tell me about it, it was so weird buying more furniture than I was used to.” I laugh with him.

The machine finishes brewing the coffee and I pour it into the two mugs, putting it on a tray with creamer and sugar before bringing it all to the coffee table in front of the couch.

Minho and I take seats on the couch, separated by a bit of space between us while we sip on our respective mugs.

“So,” I start the conversation. “How’s home?”

“Not too bad, same old same old, the guys being annoying as usual, you know?” He says.

“Sounds fun.” I chuckle. “And work, have you found anything yet?”

“Not yet, I’ve got a few applications out, but I’m still waiting on some answers.”

“I’m sure you’ll get them soon.” I respond.

An uncomfortable silence sets over the both of us, and I run my free hand through Luna’s fur who’s situated herself in my lap this time. I take a long sip of my coffee before asking another question.

“How’s… How are you and Ahra?”

“Oh…” He trails off. “We broke up a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that…” I had no idea that he and Ahra had broken up, in fact that was the completely opposite of what I thought had happened since they seemed to work together so well.

“Yeah, it was a mutual thing. We didn’t really feel that kind of connection anymore, you know? So we just, broke it off.”

“Are you okay?” I ask Minho.

“Me? Yeah, I’m actually not as affected as I thought I’d be, I don’t know if that makes me a cruel person or not but I was only sad for the first week or two. Nothing too bad.”

“I see.” Another silence settles between us. This one is longer, more tense, there was something Minho wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure, and I couldn’t depict what question he was going to ask.

“Actually, I came her for a reason.” He says.

“And what reason is that?” I ask hesitantly.

“For answers.” My brows furrow, answers for what? “There’s something Hyunjin told me recently and it got me thinking, and I wanted to hear it from you if it was true.”

I finish my coffee and place it down delicately on the coffee table, trying not to show how nervous I was with how badly my hands were shaking. “I’ll see if I have answers for you then.”

“When you told me you were leaving, you said you had some, things, to figure out on your own. What was it that you had to figure out?”

I take a moment to decide exactly how I was going to answer his question. Did I want to expose my feelings to him just yet? “Just, feelings.” I say vaguely.

“For?”

“Just feelings for somebody.”

“Is it Hyunjin?”

“No.”

“Chan?”

“Nope.”

“Changbin?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Me?”

I pause for just a half second, and apparently that was all Minho needed. “I guess Hyunjin’s big mouth was right after all.”

“Wait- What? What are you talking about?”

Minho takes a long sip of his coffee before finishing letting out a sigh after swallowing, he slowly sets the mug on the table before making direct eye contact with me and silently killing me with the suspense. “Minho please just say something you’re killing me here.”

He only chuckles in response. “Hyunjin told me not too long ago that you took up the offer to work here because you were going to sort out your feelings, for me.” He says sweetly as I suck in a breath at his last words.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Minho-“

“Now now, Y/n, we shouldn’t hide things from each other anymore, should we?” His sweet, sultry voice was affecting me greatly as he leaned closer to me on the couch. I gulp and silently curse when Luna, the only thing keeping me sane, leaves the comfort of my lap for her scratch-post.

“Minho…” I let out quietly.

“Tell me, Kitten, is it true?” He asks once again.

“I-“ My voice catches in my throat when Minho leans in ever nearer, still making direct eye-contact with me. “Yes, it is.” I sigh out and Minho backs away.

“He was right.” Minho whispers while my gaze drops to my hands that I fiddle with in my lap at the secret that’s let out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Why are you sorry darling?” He asks softly and uses his thumb and forefinger to tilt my head up by my chin.

“I couldn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t feel the same, and then when you got together with Ahra we drifted apart because it hurt me to see you with her. Then I left and told you about me leaving so last minute. I made you cry, Minho, and I hate that I did. But I couldn’t see any other way out of it. I hurt you because I was cowardly and didn’t want to be selfish by telling you and having your attention move off of Ahra, when I was really being selfish by not telling you and hurting you in the end.” More tears escape my eyes as we look at each other.

“Princess, no…” He cups my face with his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. “I’ll admit, it did hurt when you told me that you were leaving the day of, but I understood where you were coming from. Because you were right, I would have done something crazy to keep you by my side. Do you know why?” He asks, and I shake my head, still crying. “Because I need you by my side, kitten, even when I was dating Ahra I felt off but just didn’t pay any mind to it because I had her. But now I know it’s because you and I were drifting apart, I found out when after you left and me and Ahra broke up because I felt empty. I couldn’t text you to just come over anymore because you’re farther away from me now. I lied earlier, I said that I sent out some applications for jobs but didn’t get any answers yet, right?” I nod. “I got offered a job as a software engineer, here, in Itaewon, and I said yes.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“Because I want to be near you, I need to be by your side Y/n, because I love you.” I let out a sob at his confession and he coos, bringing me to rest my head on his chest and rubbing his hands on my back and running them through my hair.

“I love you too.” I say after a few minutes.

Minho brings me out of his hold, and cups my face again. For the first time, he kisses me. His lips brush over mine before deepening the kiss, taking full charge of it yet somehow still being soft with me. His kisses were nothing short of addicting, and I knew I’d be in love with him for a long time.

In that moment, kissing the man of my dreams, I remember that it may be rare that a second lead gets their own happy ending, but it’s not unheard of. Sometimes the main lead and second lead do end up with their own happily ever after.

Notes from the author: I have FINALLY posted something y’all 😂 took a few months but she’s here, and she’s dishing out something at least. I don’t know how often I’ll be posting again, esp with school and whatnot, but I do know I need to drain out my drafts because phew, it’s getting a little full in there.

But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this fic! I’m pretty sure it’s one of the longest I’ve written if not the longest. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad, I’m probably a little rusty but we can fix that (i think)

if you want more I still have my old stuff up on my masterlist on my account! hope to see you around :))

-nyx

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