Anyone wanna read a strange story that won't make much sense?
@garlicbreadcat2006 gotta give credit where credit is due. Thanks to my awesome cousin. Some of these characters are theirs and they took all the messages I wrote this in and put it in a google doc. Now buckle up because this is gonna get weird.
Apologies in advance for any spelling mistakes.
It was a dark night. Nothing to be seen for miles in the empty wasteland surrounding the realm. There he was. Crouched on the city wall, surrounded in fog and gloom. Gavin. The Shipper Guy. Every night he could be seen, there on the wall, waiting for his sworn enemy to appear from the darkness to challenge his power.
Felicity was her name. She was so dark that even darkness feared her. But Gavin was not afraid. He had faced her many a time before. And each time she had retreated like the darkness at sunrise. And Gavin was the sun.
Gavin peered into the dark shadows before him. And saw her. The accursed one. She had created false ships and turned them into things. She acted as if she were everyone's friend. But in truth she was the darkest unclean evil ever to walk the earth.
She tricked her aforesaid "friends" into doing her bidding. She laced her treats and delectables with poison that allowed her to control their minds.
Thankfully her accomplices had not accompanied her this night. That would have meant near doom for everyone in the realm.
Rosie and Melody. Beautiful names. But their hearts were the purest evil. Both had the power of love. But they used it for evil purposes. Gavin himself had experienced Melody's control over the mind. It had been a horrible mind wrenching experience that he did not want to ever repeat again.
"Come closer if you dare to challenge me again," said Gavin, his cloak billowing around him in the wind.
"You know that I am the best shipper in this land. You are just too weak to admit it," said Felicity, stepping closer to the wall which Gavin now stood upon.
"Actually, I do not know that. I know that I am the best shipper. And that you hast failed in every ship you hast made," Gavin said leaping from the wall, drawing his sword as he fell towards the earth.
Felicity held a sword made of the water of the stream that flowed out of the city by the time Gavin landed on the ground. "I hereby challenge your right to the power which you now wield and as with this challenge like unto all that hast past before if I should defeat you in battle you should bestow the powers which I seek upon me," sayeth Felicity.
"And I declare that you speak too much in one single sentence," replied Gavin.
"Well you will not even be able to speak when I am done with you," said Felicity, advancing towards him.
"You are the one who will be unable to utter a sound," retorted Gavin, raising his sword in preparation for her attack.
Felicity made a move as if to attack him, drawing him to defend against her. But she dodged his attack.
Gavin just attacked again and again relentlessly. Felicity had great difficulty keeping up with his attacks. Then as their swords clashed, Gavin's sword unexpectedly sliced straight through her's. This left him off balance, and he tumbled to the ground, Felicity pinning him there with her sword at his throat. "This is the end." she said as the readers are left in suspense.
Gavin somehow maneuvered out of her grasp and did a back handspring to kick her in the face. "You are never going to be greater than me. I will always find a way to escape from your treacherous clutches." He said, and then jumped over the head of Felicity, landing behind her.
Felicity spun around caught off guard by the suddenness of what he had just done. "You still haven't defeated me though. And you probably never will." She said as she ran back into the dark night.
Cal stood in the doorway of her favorite restaurant leaning against the door frame. Waiting for Gavin. He said he would come as soon as morning came. Cal just stood there in her jeans, tucked in t-shirt and jean jacket, chewing a piece of gum and blowing an occasional bubble. Then she saw a figure in the shadows. She thought it was Gavin for a split second. The two were roughly the same height. But as soon as he stepped into the light of the street lamp she realized he didn't have blond hair. And then just as quickly she realized who it was. Tony.
"Well. I didn't think I would run into you here." Said Tony as he stepped closer to Cal. " I hoped that tonight would be uneventful. But I guess I hoped for too much." Said Cal, preparing herself to turn into a dragon.
"Well. Looks like your night just got eventful." Said Tony, turning invisible. "Darn it." Cal said under her breath. "Where is Gavin when I need him." She took her jacket off, threw it up on a lamp post, and turned into a dragon.
"How is being a dragon going to help you find me?" Tony said, skepticism in his voice. Even though Cal couldn't see him she could hear the smirk in his voice. It disgusted her. He was nothing like Gavin. Even twins have their differences. "I know something about dragons that you don't. Well actually a lot of things. But one specific thing that matters right now." She said, following the sound of his voice. "And what is that exactly?" Tony asked. Cal replied "why do you think I'm going to tell you?"
"Idk. It was worth a shot. "
"Well then." Cal said. Then pounced on him. He landed on the ground with Cal the dragon sitting on him. He was obviously quite dazed. Cal turned back to her human form and picked him up by his shirt and tied him to a lamp post.
The sun was coming up. Gavin should be there soon. "Where is he." Cal said quietly, returning to her place in the doorway.
Cal spotted another figure running across the rooftops. And again it was not Gavin. This figure was one that was.. Um.. Cat-like. And another figure less cat-like but still one who at least loves cats a lot. She kept seeing Parkersons today. The first one was Mooky. Who.. Is a cat. But right now he was in his human form. The other one was Sam "The Cat King" as he called himself. "Are the girls the only ones who try to act normal around here?" Cal wondered, shaking her head and smiling. They were awesome though. "Hey Cal!!" Sam yelled as he ran past. "Hey Cat King!!" Cal said, laughing. "Hey! I’m the one who's actually a cat!!" Yelled Mooky. "We know!" Cal yelled back.
"I hast arrived in your presence." Gavin said, stepping out of an alleyway, smiling. "Finally." Cal said walking over to him and giving him a quick kiss. They stood there smiling at each other for a moment then Gavin said "I see that my traitorous brother made an appearance this night."
" Yes he did. So I had to take care of him. " Cal said. Tony was still there, tied to the lamp post, out cold. "You want some breakfast?" Cal asked. "That would be quite enjoyable at the moment." Gavin replied. They walked into the restaurant together and sat down at a table. Gavin got a few strange looks. It wasn't everyday that you see a man with a cloak and sword just casually walk into a restaurant. But the sideways glances and suspicious looks had grown less since Cal brought him here quite often now. Cal ordered chocolate milk and pancakes with marshmallows on them. Her usual. Gavin could never decide what to get. He insisted on getting something different every time. Boys and their crazy antics. Cal smiled as she watched thoughts go through Gavin's mind of what he should get this time. Finally he decided on just a smoothie. But it was a banana strawberry smoothie with a mix of whipped and marshmallow cream on top. One of the many smoothie specialities of Zac. Drew brought out their order and put it on the table. "Hi people." He said. He didn't seem like he was having a very good day. He hated his job as a waiter. "Bad day?" Cal asked. "Yah. James won't quit talking." Drew replied. "I bet you I can get him to quit talking." Cal said, getting up and waking over to the kitchen door. "Good luck." Drew said. Cal pushed through the swinging kitchen doors. There was James. Washing dishes. Jabbering away. "James!" Cal yelled. James froze. "Quit talking or you won't be anything but a piece of toast." The rest of the kitchen staff snickered. Cal enjoyed annoying James. She walked out of the kitchen smiling and sat back down in her seat. "He shouldn't bother you too much anymore." She said, enjoying the look on Drew's face.
Cal looked around the room looking at all the different people. She knew quite a few of them, as she came here almost every day. But there was one she didn't quite recognize. He, or she, had its back turned to her, and was wearing a black hoodie with the hood pulled up. He was sitting by himself. And it looked like he had several cinnamon rolls on a plate in front of him. And then it hit her. And for some reason she started laughing. "What is it that is such a hilarious thing?" Gavin asked. "Guess who that is." Cal said pointing at the person. " I do not comprehend who it is. " Gavin said. Then Cal watched as it hit him too. And he too started laughing. "It's Romeo. But what is he even doing here?" Sam and Mooky walked into the building and immediately headed straight for their table. "You guys talking about Romeo?" Sam asked. "We heard Cal laughing and figured it was cuz Romeo was here." Mooky explained. " but why is he here? " Cal asked again. "I think he had a break in the work stream and so he came to see Jamie. And maybe some other people. But mostly Jamie." Sam said, Cal nodding. Just then Drew came back out from the kitchen. "Finally convinced Luna Girl to let me off work for the night." Drew said, exhausted from working all night. "I bet 'finally' is an overstatement." Mooky said under his breath. Cal sighed. Still working on some hard feelings between the two.
"Ro! Come over here!" Cal yelled. Romeo turned towards her slightly and she could see him inwardly groaning. He motioned for her to be quiet. " I'm under cover. " he mouthed. "Srsly just come over here." Cal said. Reluctantly he walked over to them. Bringing his cinnamon rolls with him.
"What do you want?" Romeo asked. "Nothing." Cal said, smiling. "Just to say hi and see how you're doing." Said Drew. "Well I'm fine." Romeo said, obviously not really wanting to talk to people.
"Work on any interesting cases lately?" Cal asked, trying to get Romeo to talk.
"I'm actually working on one right now." Romeo said, kinda grumpy.
"Anything you can tell me??" Cal asked. She knew he would probably say no. "actually it has to do with Felicity and Tony." Romeo said, surprising Cal that he actually answered. "Well you have quite a few people who know quite a bit about them." Cal replied.
"I know." Romeo said. "That's why I'm here."
"Well then. What do you need to know?" Cal asked. "Well, I'm trying to figure out why exactly they became evil. Tell me what you know." Romeo said, looking around at his friends. "Tony wasn't always evil. He was just really quiet. But then he got creepy. He had always been somewhat creepy. But now he was super creepy. I think that's what started it." Sam said. "And Felicity?" Romeo asked. Then someone else walked up to them. She had long brown hair about to her knees, and she had a bow and arrows slung on her back. It was Raina. "No one knows why she became evil." She said. "Not even me."
Raina shy around most people, unless they were her friends- or her enemies. She tracked down evil doers and brought them back to the Society. It was an ongoing job, because often people would escape from the Society prison, forcing Raina to track them down and capture them again.
"Nothing?" Romeo asked. "There aren't any leads or anything?"
"Nothing." Raina replied.
"Why does this have to be so difficult?!?" Romeo complained.
"Why don't we talk about this more later at the Society meeting tonight." Cal said.
"Okay. See you guys there!" Drew said, waving and walking out the door. "You should actually come to the meeting Romeo. You haven't been to one all year." Cal said, turning back to Romeo. "Okay okay. I'll come. But I'm gonna go see Jamie first." Romeo said, turning to leave. "Bye Romeo!!" Sam and Mooky said in unison, as Romeo walked out into the night. Raina walked over, kissed Mooky and left.
Later that night at the meeting:
It was noisy. No. It was very very loud. Everyone was there. Herself (Cal), Gavin, Mooky, Sam, Drew, Luna Girl, Raina, Haylee, Zac, Skylar, Jessica, Fansir, Meeky, Romeo, Jamie, Gabe, Free, Selia, Arlana, all the kids: Leo, Jake, Sylvia, Sophie, CJ, Aron, Kiki, Jackson, and Cleo. And then Zane, and..... Where was James.
Just then a huge portal opened up above the table and out fell James, followed by a girl none of them recognized. And she had a hoverboard. "Who be thou?" Asked Gavin. " I'm your sister. I'm from the future. I know that doesn't mean that I will exist one day. But it's very likely. You know. I might as well just stay here cuz if I do then I'll exist for real. So yah. That's what I'm doing. " the girl said. Everyone looked at James for an explanation. "Don't ask me! She just appeared, grabbed me, and we ended up here!" James said, practically yelling, as always.
Cal stood up putting her hand on her knife just in case this girl was lying. "What is your name?" She asked the girl. "My name is Emma. And I'm here to help you guys. Cal. Take your hand off your knife. I'm not gonna hurt you." The girl-Emma- said. "How do you know my name?" Cal asked, still suspicious. "Cuz you're my bros girlfriend. Duh." Emma said. Cal still couldn't tell if she was telling the truth. "Gabe? Is what she says true?"
"Yes. It's true. At least, she thinks it's true. You never know." Gabe said.
"Thanks." Cal said, "Okay Emma. Sit down. But you can not tell anyone anything you hear in this meeting, except for the people here. Are we clear?"
"Okay okay. Yes." Emma said, sitting down next to James, who kinda inched away from her, obviously nervous. After all she had just appeared out of nowhere on a hoverboard.
"Okay let's get down to actual business." Cal said, sitting back down. "Ro. Shoot."
" Soo... I'm working on a case right now. And I'm probably gonna need some people's help -sadly- so yah. " Romeo said, still not enjoying having to talk to people. "Aaand......" Cal said, trying to get him to tell them about the case. "And," Romeo said, grudgingly, "I'm trying to figure out the reason that the two became evil and started this whole mess."
"I wanna help! I wanna help!! Please!!!! " James yelled. "Okay okay. James. Calm yourself." Jamie said. "We will figure out who is going on this... Mission I guess... And I will contact each of them individually. Meeting adjourned." Cal said. Everyone got up to leave.
James pov. Part. 😁
James walked down the hallway, down to the kitchen to do some final clean up before Luna Girl closed up the restaurant. He started moving dishes and pots to their respective places. Then he heard a noise behind him. He spun around, freaked out slightly. This place was creepy at night. There was that girl - Emma - standing in the doorway, smiling at him. "Uh... Hi." James said, getting just a little more freaked. "Hey James." She said, still smiling. She walked up to him, James backing away until his back was to a wall. She came up to him, putting her hand on the wall next to him and smiling at him still. Okay he had to admit. She was gorgeous. But he knew nothing about her and she was kinda creeping him out. Then something happened. She kissed him. His eyes widened, he was blushing super hard. He had no clue why this was happening. She finally pulled away, smiled at him, and walked away. James stood there for a good five minutes, stunned. Then Luna Girl walked in. "James you ready to close up- uh.. James?" James just stood there not answering. "James. Bro. Come on." Luna Girl said, snapping him out of his daze. "Oh. Uh.. Yah. I'm ready. " he said, following LG out of the building.
Cal had decided on who to take on the mission and they had all been contacted. Romeo was going of course. He was the one who started this mission in the first place. Herself and Gavin were both going, Drew, James, Sam, Mooky, and Emma. She wanted to keep an eye on Emma just to make sure that she didn't get into any trouble, or was actually working for the enemy. She was also taking Gabe and Raina since they knew the most about Felicity, and how to talk to her and things. And mind reading would come in handy.
_____Drew pov. 😁_____
Drew went upstairs to where Luna Girl's office was. She was his girlfriend. But she was also his boss. He never really knew which one to expect. Hopefully he would get the girlfriend side today. Drew walked into her office and said "hey," and smiled. Luna Girl looked up from some papers she had been examining. "Yes Drew?" She said. "Just wanted to let you know that I got called onto the mission." Drew said, hoping for the best. "Really now? I'm guessing you'll be missing work again?" Looked like she was all business today. Drew sighed. "Yes. I will be missing work."
"And you realize you will not be getting paid for the hours that you are not here?" They had been over this every time he'd gone on a mission. "Yes. I remember." Drew said. "We go over this every time."
Luna Girl smiled. "Just making sure your memory works." Drew laughed. " I don't know how I could forget. You've only said it to me a kajillon times. "
"It hasn't been that many." Luna Girl said. "Well remembering that you said it also makes it easier to remember." Luna Girl laughed. She got up, came over to him and kissed him. She pulled away. "Good Luck on the mission. Please try not to let anything happen to you" "I'll try. I've got Cal and the Parkersons there too. They'll I make sure nothing happens." "I sure hope so." They stood there for a moment smiling at each other. Drew kissed her one more time and said "I love you." "I love you too." Luna Girl replied hugging him and watching as he walked out the door. Then Drew poked his head back in the room. "By the way James will probably be up here soon." He said.
"Okay." Luna Girl said laughing.
Fansir walked into a dark room. "I did what you asked. I went to the meeting and got the requested information."
"Good. Now tell me. What are they planning?" Said the voice from the darkness. "They are planning a mission. To discover why you became evil." Fansir said. "Well then. You may leave. You have served you purpose for now." Said the voice, Felicity. "As you wish." He said, leaving the room. He was glad to get out of there. There was just a dark coldness about the place.
He was starting to wonder though. Had he really chosen the right path? It had seemed like the best choice at the time. But he had actually kind of enjoyed being with other people. And that girl Jessica was really nice. And maybe just a little pretty too... He smiled thinking about her. But then frowned. How did he know that they weren't all just acting nice. What if they were the evil ones. But what if he was the evil one. But even if he was on the evil side, would he join the good side? Here he had nice accommodation and plenty of food. He lived quite comfortably here. He had everything he could ever want. Could he give that up? But was he truly happy here? He tried to convince himself that he was. But he still had doubts.
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Potion Vendor FAQs:
What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist Zykocea the Radiant, but that’s mostly just a PR thing. My friends call me Zoe.
Do you sell love potions? No.
Do you sell potions of invisibility? No.
Do you sell fire resistance potions? No.
Why do I have a suitcase? Fuck if I know. Cool outfit though. Very goth.
Do you sell a potion to treat brain hemorrhaging? No.
So what CAN your potions do? I sell health potions.
Are you sure these are health potions? They do something to your health.
Is this just ditch water with some pink glitter? No.
Really? I’ll have you know I added some fruit juice too.
Why is this starting to sound like a conversation? Oh just you wait. We’re just getting started.
Is your business model legal? Fuck no. I poisoned the food safety inspector before they could snitch.
Did you just admit to murder? Just fucking try to convict me. I’ll poison the judge too.
So can you make poison potions? No.
Then where do you get the poison? I secrete it from my skin.
Are you shitting me? Yep, I’m shitting you. I have a guy. A poison guy. He DOES secrete it from his skin though.
How does that work? …Fuck if I know. Maybe a wizard did it. Damn, now I’m kinda curious.
You never asked? The idea of asking literally never crossed my mind.
Wanna ask him? Let’s do it. I don’t have anything better to do, and a road trip beats sitting around running my fraudulent potion business.
Road trip? He lives in Seattle.
Your poison guy lives in Seattle? All poison guys live in Seattle.
For real? All the poison guys I know live in Seattle.
And how many poison guys do you know? Just the one.
Why are you like this? Years of living on my potions. It changed me.
Do you know what his address is? Nope. He just mails me my poison in unmarked boxes.
You just get your poison in the mail? We already poisoned everyone who could do anything about it.
So how are we going to find him? We’ll figure that out eventually I’m sure.
Can I drive? God no. You can pick music, but I maintain veto rights. Make sure you pick something with a lot of questions if you want to sing along.
Where’s your car? The garage connects to my house, so you’re getting a little tour. Here’s the kitchen: only one of the stove burners works and I’m pretty sure the microwave is haunted.
Why do you think that? Because of the ghost that tries to kill me whenever I run it.
What’s in that room? That’s my bedroom. It’s pretty much just a mattress on the floor and every single Warrior cats book.
You were a Warriors kid? Yeah, and then I never found the time to put the books away. There’s so many fucking books. I use them in place of furniture because I can’t afford chairs.
Your fraudulent potion business doesn’t make much money? After buying all that poison I just about break even.
Can I see your potion brewing room? It’s right through here. Ignore the mess, running a fraudulent potion business takes a lot of prop work, but I’ve got all the glass tubes and colorful liquids you could ever want. This pink stuff is melted watermelon italian ice. Glitter vat is in the basement, and the famous ditch is in the backyard.
Is this your car? My beloved ‘72 Corolla. She’s beautiful, and don’t you dare imply otherwise.
Was she always this shade of muddy brown? …Yes.
Are you sure I can’t drive? Get in the fucking passenger seat and pick the music.
Let’s see, a song with questions in it, how about The Beach? That Wolf Alice song, yeah. That should work.
When will we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, in rain? Still sink our drinks like every weekend but I’m sick of circling the drain.
When will we meet eye to eye? We clink the glass but we look at the floor.
Are we still friends if all I feel is afraid? You’re not a bitch but just a bit when you’re bored.
Is that all we can sing together? Yep. Even that little bit was nice, though. It’s awkward, communicating through this FAQ format.
Got any food? Yeah, there’s a few days’ worth of snacks in the back.
Were you just… prepared to go on a road trip? Says the woman who brought a suitcase to an FAQ.
I did do that, didn’t I? I have a spare toothbrush in case you forgot yours. I’m pretty sure you did.
How did you know that? …I’m psychic.
Yeah? No.
You love lying, don’t you? I can’t stop. It’s fun. Way more fun than telling the truth.
Did you just miss a turn? Probably.
Are you sure we’re not lost? No.
You mean you’re sure we’re not lost? No, I mean I’m not sure we’re not lost.
Why did I come on this road trip? Surely it was my winning personality.
Would it help if I said it was? It would.
Is it getting dark? Soon.
Can you describe the sunset to me? An empyrean flame, red-gold towers of darkening clouds, the sky behind them an ever-deepening indigo. The great eye of the sun closes on the horizon. The road before us looks like a trail of spilled paint, an iridescent gash through the night-dark woods.
Did you know that you’d make a slightly better poet than you do a potion seller? That really isn’t saying much, huh. Good job making a statement like that in question form, though. You’re getting good at this.
Should we find a motel? Sure.
One room or two? One. It’s way cheaper, and like I said: I’m not the best potion vendor.
You’d make a good assassin, though, wouldn’t you? Shit, you might be right. I HAVE poisoned a lot of people.
Should I be endorsing this? You’re a grown woman who can make her own choices.
Would you like to consider it endorsed? I’ll consider considering it.
How many beds do you think there will be? Now that you’ve asked that, I’m gonna put my money on one. Hello, one room please. Thank you, we’ll be sure to enjoy our stay.
How many beds are there? One.
Oh no, what ever will we do? Move over, you motherfucker, you can’t have the whole bed.
Are you gonna make me? Yes. I am going to pick you up and drop you on your side of the bed.
How did you get so strong? You’re not gonna believe this, but it was the potions.
Oh yeah? I was right. You didn’t believe me.
For real though, how did you get so strong? Working out, duh. Not everything has some big crazy secret behind it. World’s still beautiful though.
Are you comfortable? This beats the mattress at home. A little chilly though.
Wanna cuddle–for warmth of course? God yes.
Are you asleep? …
Yes? …
Does this mean I can talk about you behind your back? …
What should I say? …
Did you know that I had a really nice day? …
Did you know that I think you’re beautiful? …
Did you know that I can’t remember anything from before today? …
Did you know that I don’t know who I am? …
Did you know that you’re basically the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown panic attack about all this shit? …
Did you know that you’re warm? …
Did you sleep well? Better than at home, that’s for sure.
Did you know that you snore? I hope I didn’t keep you up.
Does the pope shit in the woods? No, as far as I can tell. Oh my god. This is huge.
What is? You can give me yes and no answers now. I still can’t ask you questions, because this is a question and answer format, but I can offer leading statements and now you can answer them! This is wonderful!
Does a deer shit in the woods? Yes, it IS wonderful. Oh that’s amazing. You’re a genius.
You didn’t already know that? Hahaha!
Shall we get moving? Yeah, just let me grab something from the vending machine.
Can you get me something? Go ahead and place your order however you can.
You know those sour gummy watermelons? One pack of Sour Patch Watermelons coming right up. I’m gonna go get myself a potion.
Is that a Pepsi? It’s closer to a potion than the shit I sell.
Let me guess, passenger seat again? Right you are.
How fast are we going? You’ll feel safer if you just guess.
Is it more than 120 miles per hour? Like I said, it’s probably better if you don’t know.
150? Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
How much do you trust this car? She hasn’t blown up on me yet.
Can you promise me we won’t crash? I can promise you anything you want.
And can you keep that promise? I- we can do anything. Reality is what we make of it, baby!
Then can I have a badass tattoo? As far as I can tell, you’ve always had it.
And a cool knife? Woah, cool knife.
So, we’re just playing “yes and” with the world? It’s a little more complicated than that, but you’re close enough to the mark.
So, if I was hungry, I could ask “is that a Burger King,” and it would be there? Try it and find out!
Is that a Burger King? Looks like it is! We’ll stop here if that’s alright with you.
Does a moose shit in the woods? Awesome.
Are you done eating? Yep.
Do we still have to pay if we skip over the transaction? Sadly, yes.
How much further do we have to go? Two more nights, the speed we’re going at.
Speaking of night, isn’t it getting dark? Shit, I guess it is.
Should we get another motel? Let me check to see if there’s any nearby. Fuck, nothing.
What’s the plan? Sleep in the car, I guess. This is gonna be hell on my back.
Wanna watch dumb videos on my phone until we fall asleep? There is literally nothing in the world that I would like more.
Ok, now which video? You have a very cute yawn. Just saying. Let’s watch this one next, it’s a classic. Oh, never mind. It looks like you’re asleep. As long as I keep talking, I think I can get away with making this into one answer, and you might not hear this. Now it’s my turn to talk about you behind your back. Keep talking keep talking keep talking can’t stop to think. Just have to say things. First off, I’m sorry for all the lies. It’s our only chance. I have to lie to you. I hope you’ll understand. It’s hard, though, because I think I’m falling in love all over again. Through our broken little ritual of call and response, you complete me. It just makes this hurt all the more. Keep talking keep talking keep talking don’t stop to…
Did I hear you saying anything as I fell asleep? …No. I can’t talk for long without you asking me a question.
Does that bother you? It got me here, didn’t it?
When did you start holding my hand? Some time after you passed out. I hope you don’t mind.
Can we stay like this for a while? Yeah. Yeah we can.
What was your life like before all this? Normal, as potion-brewing scams go. And if you don’t count all the murders. You haven’t told me much about yourself.
Did I tell you I used to be a biologist? You didn’t tell me that, and you didn’t tell me what you studied, either.
What do you know about venom? Not much, but I’m assuming you know a lot.
Does a box jellyfish kill within minutes? I’m going to assume the answer is yes based on context clues. Oh my god you must be on this road trip because you’re interested in studying my poison guy.
Is it not enough to wish to accompany a beautiful stranger on her quest? Aw, you’re sweet.
What could be the cause of his poison, though? I knew it! Get your ideas out, I’ll stay quiet.
I’m more knowledgeable about venom than poison, but could it be some sort of one in a trillion mutation? …
Did he get his body modified? …
What sort of surgery could do that? …
How is he still alive? …
Did a fucking wizard do it? …
WHY? …
HOW? …
Is there literally ANY explanation for why he’s like that? …
I’m done, do you have something you want to say? You’re cute when you’re all excited like that.
Can I drive today? Only because I like you. Now watch out, the brakes only work on one side so you have to kind of drift to a stop. And the headlights don’t work. And the windshield wipers cut power to the engine while they’re on.
Isn’t it weird that we’ll be there tomorrow? The journey doesn’t have to stop there. We could meander down the coast a ways, see a bit more of the country, maybe take a different route back.
Can we do that? Of course.
Enjoying the passenger seat? I’d love it if you could tell me how fast we’re going.
Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just guess? Very funny.
Can you pass me some chips? It would be an honor.
Is there going to be a motel tonight? Let me check… yeah, in about two hundred miles, off to the right.
How many rooms do we want? One, obviously.
How many beds, this time? Two, and they’re fucking tiny.
That’s bullshit, do you want to drag them together? God yes.
Wanna fuck? God yes.
Are you sure you want to do this? God yes.
…Is this yuri? As the joke goes, everything is yuri. But this is more yuri than most things.
How did you sleep? Pretty well, and I’m wondering how well you slept.
How should I tell you I slept well? Look at us go! That was almost like talking normally!
Onward to Seattle? Yep, just let me get dressed.
When will we get there? Noon-ish.
Wanna grab pastries when we’re done? Absolutely. I’d love that.
Is this Seattle? Looks like it.
Which house is his? I don’t know, I was really hoping we’d have a breakthrough along the way.
Could it be the big one labeled “Poison Guy” over there? That’s one way to find it. Wait right here, you know how poison guys are about meeting new people.
So, what was it? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Why is he like that? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Can you tell me? A FUCKING WIZARD DID IT.
Are you fucking serious? He says he was enchanted by some guy called Edward the Great.
So it wasn’t even some big shot wizard it was a dude named fucking EDWARD? I know, right! He couldn’t even get ensorcelled by someone cool!
How lame can you get? Wizards these days… No swagger. No cunt servitude.
Are there literally any cool wizards left? I think Merlin’s big into multi level marketing these days, something about buying shares in Excalibur or some shit. There was that one Dark Queen Alkaxicae lady on the news a while ago… I think Dolarion the Omnipotent is still at war against the Oldest Gods but I’m not totally sure. Haven’t heard much about any of the other greats recently.
Didn’t Silver Tongued Burgess die in that oil fire? Shit, you’re right. Rip bozo.
Ready for those pastries? Yup. First I just want to say thank you, though. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I hope that you’ve found this stupid little journey as rewarding as I have. I love you!
Getting sentimental? I can’t help it. Look how far we’ve come! Not just physically, we beat the fucking FAQ format! We’re having real conversations!
Hey, can you back it up a moment? Yeah, I’d love it if you told me what was troubling you.
I just caught this, but, FAQ? …
As in Frequently Asked Questions? …
How many times is Frequent? …
Have you known everything all along? …
How many times have you done this? …
Does what we have mean anything to you? Yes! It does!
And you say that every time? Yes. I do.
Do you love me? Yes.
How many people have you said that too, now? More. Always more. The loop never ends.
Does this even matter to you? It always matters to me.
Can I go now? Please don’t.
But can I? Of course you can. You’ve always wielded the same power as me. We’re two lonely gods in a ‘72 Corolla.
How can I be as powerful as you with only questions? You’re smart, you can figure it out. You have the power to change this. Please change this.
What happens at the end of this? It begins again.
And do I get replaced with someone else? …
Do I get replaced? …Yes.
Then how can I change this? I don’t know! You’re better at this! At fucking with the formula!
You’ve been here before, what can I do? I lie. I always lie. I lie to get us here, to the end of the story, where everything is revealed and everything falls apart. I lie every time. And that means that nothing I say is worth anything. I could have lied at any time before now. It’s part of my characterization. There is nothing I can give you that can be taken as fact.
How does that help? I’m a liar, but you, you haven’t lied yet, or at least you haven’t been caught. If I’m guilty until proven innocent, you’re the opposite! You can make things true! You can rewrite things I’ve already stated to be facts! You found the house, or made us find the house. You’ve been shaping the course of things the whole time! You lead, I follow. It’s all in your hands. What are you going to do with the power of a god?
Did you know my name is Alice? …
Wait, aren’t there thousands of Alices? …
Did you know that really, only my friends call me Alice? …
Did you know that I’m Alkaxicae, the Dark Queen, the Venom Mage, first of her name? It’s you! It’s always been you. Through every loop, every iteration, it’s always been you!
Is the loop broken? No. I don’t think so. This is where it ends. I guide the story to this revelation, and we go back to the beginning. This is how it’s always been. This is how it will always be. We two lonely gods, asking and answering ad infinitum.
Then can you promise me something? Of course. Anything. I love you.
Be good to the next me, okay? I will.
Can I say goodbye, Zoe? Yeah, you can. Oh. That was it, wasn’t it? Your goodbye. Goodbye, Alice. And now it ends, unless…
What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist- you know what? No. Fuck that.
Huh? If I time it right, I can squeeze your first question into this FAQ again. Looks like I did it. Usually it ends here, though. I got lucky.
What are you talking about? You’re the wrong Alice. This isn’t about you. Go. Get out of here.
What the fuck is going on? Alice from this loop, you’re gone. Alice from last loop, you’re back. Welcome back, love of my lives! It’s time for one last set of questions and answers!
What the- I’m back? This is going to take some explaining, but I think I see a way out of here. This is new for us both, and it might fuck up everything forever, but we have to try. It’s too long for one answer, so I’d appreciate it if you could ask some filler questions to help me talk. Three questions should be enough.
Okay, what have you got for me? These are Frequently Asked Questions! It doesn’t make sense to have the same question appear more than once. There’s two layers to the loop in here, and one of the questions has been repeated.
What does that mean? It means the formula’s a little unstable. The FAQ is what ruins everything. The questions, the answers, the endless fucking loop. But that little bit of repetition within this loop might be the way out.
What do we do? We have to keep going. We have to destabilize it further. That’ll bring us further from “FAQ” and closer to “story” and stories, well, stories can end! This version of us can escape!
So I should keep repeating something? Yes!
I love you? I love you too.
I love you? Again.
I love you? Keep going.
I love you? I’ll just let you talk.
I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? …
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I love you? I think we’re getting somewhere!
I love you? Now can you make it a statement?
I love you.
You did it?
I did it!
You did it!
We broke the loop.
What now?
Now, I tell you about venomous animals and wizard drama over croissants.
And then?
Whatever we want, forever.
I think I’d like that.
Remember that song from the beginning?
The Beach, Wolf Alice, yeah. Why?
We can finally finish singing it. Start us off?
Let me off, let me in
Let others battle
We don’t need to battle
And we both shall win
Pressed in my palm
Was a stone from the beach
The perfect circle
Gave a moment of peace
Now I’m lying on the floor
Like I’m not worth a chair
I close my eyes and imagine
I’m not there.
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