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autisticlancemcclain · 9 months

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fic rec friday 35

welcome to the thirty-fifth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. Send Down the Rain by @azapofinspiration

Lance missed rain. As much as he missed his family and his home, he missed rain almost as much.

However, rain has to exist somewhere out in the universe, right? Even if he can't go home, Lance should be able to feel rain and soak it.

Right?

Five times Lance tried to find rain and the one time he did

lance should have gotten the rain in canon. he needed that. and god did azap fucking deliver!! this fic is sweet and this fic is sad and this fic is melancholy and this fic makes you want to throw up and this fic makes you feel alive. i fckn love this fic

2. Brawler by @admiralcanthackett [GORE WARNING]

I have no summary for this beyond Lance and Keith get ambushed and Lance is a determined motherfucker who fights dirty. Keith is mildly turned on and largely impressed.

you ever want to see lance, feral, thinking only of protecting his family, rip someone’s throat out with his teeth? no? well, i didnt either, but it turns out that i needed to read it, so. and just to clarify this series isnt just lance going batshit insane, although there is plenty of that, it also has some tender klance gong over trauma so thats fun

3. nobody has to know (nobody but me) by xeah

Lance has a secret, and he’s taking it to the grave –except, he didn’t think the ‘taking it to the grave’ bit would happen quite so soon.

When the team head planetside on a diplomatic mission, Lance can’t decide if he’s ecstatic about it, or about to endure an intense bout of homesickness. Sure, the planet looks cool, the aliens themselves are pretty chill considering they’ve singlehandedly fended off Galra attacks up until now. But thanks to Pidge making the team clocks that run on Earth time, Lance knows that it’s almost his nineteenth birthday.

Yeah, he’s gonna go with the homesickness.

Unfortunately for him, the aliens they visit have two distinct qualities that, in any other circumstance, Lance would find cool; the ability to sense emotions, and the complete inability to keep secrets. That extends to their allies, as well.

He probably would have continued thinking those were pretty amazing skills –until the aliens sense negative emotions between the Paladins, and demand that to secure an alliance, the team must heal the dissent brewing in the fine cracks between each other thanks to the secrets they’re keeping, no matter how trivial.

Yeah. Homesickness probably wasn’t the right way to go.

okay, full disclaimer, this series isnt finished and i doubt it ever will be. HOWEVER. this fic is, and this fic is fucking stellar. magical realism has always been a fave of mine, and of course add vld and klance to that and ill always go feral. if you want to see amazing mcclain family backstory and tension so thick you could gnaw on it, swallow the L and read this fic you’ll only be a litle devastated that you won’t see how the series ends

4. Bruises by @admiralcanthackett

Lance is cornered by a Galra, cut off from the rest of his team. When he hears their disparaging comments, instead of asking for help when he can, he hides how hurt he is. He doesn't want them to think he's anymore useless than he already is.

you can tell that the author was mad when fae wrote this and honestly? yeah. yeah, sometimes u just have to be mad. sometimes thinks go to shit and its everyone’s fault and your pain becomes physical and you just have to grit your teeth and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. thats what lance goes thru here

5. Hybrid by @admiralcanthackett

Lance overhears one of the aliens insulting Keith after a successful mission and loses his temper.

yes another admiral fic but let me live i have always been obsessed with these fics and there are just so MANY of them okay. there will be more. but i like this one bc who doesn tlike protective lance??? who doesnt like keith realising that he’s worthy of being defended??? like cmon now

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

#i mean the authors are still a little varied #ive done hundreds of these ive def had quite a few okay #vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #klance #team as family #bamf lance #witch lance #langst #fic rec #fic rec friday

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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A thing I do have to say, as a system / trauma survivor on the very active form of coping and survival (flight and fight), I really struggle to understand, empathize with (even just cognitively), and sympathize with those with the more passive forms of coping and survival (freeze and fawn) towards trauma, anxiety, depression, etc and I have to regularly keep myself in check when seeing it to NOT judge just because I don't really understand it.

Cause every time I just internally go "Okay well STOP being sad for yourself and get yourself going to fix your situation, look do this" - not in a "I'm better than you" or "Its your fault" way but in a "why aren't you doing anything" based on the fact that whenever I'm having A Time, I (as a whole) tend to GO. We don't experience long periods of fawn or freeze and usually those are in transition or just briefly to recover from our constant fight-flight nature.

I don't understand passive coping past a logical theoretical level. I understand that people cope that way, I understand that it is often a distraction / soothing behavior or the most they feel they can do because their brain tends to shut down rather than activate - I understand that it is hyporegulation and I get that on a face level.

But on a personal level? I can't put myself in the shoes. I can't imagine what it would be like or what line of thinking / feeling would drive that. I can't see into it at all. I don't really know the best thing to do to help someone in those modes and defer to the assumed best safe answer of giving space and leaving an open door / ear, but it's extremely foreign of a concept.

From my perspective, I see it and it just looks sad and miserable and - because of my extreme specialized end of coping - I just go "how are you SITTING there? it looks miserable!" cause again, the LAST thing I do as a heavy hyper regulated cope-r, is sit.

I dunno, I'm just sitting and analyzing the differences in coping patterns cause my boy is having a Time atm and I'm like "Google, try to generate a plan with our non-existent empathy and failing cognitive empathy"

Anyways, if anyone wants to share / explain their experiences with either end of coping or wants to give me tips and ideas of how to help someone who leans to depressive-style coping than mine. Not in any urgent situation cause I've talked with him some and have a good general preferred sort of thing but like

This shit always confuses me. I'm too.... a lot of things to understand this beyond a theoretical hyper rationalized manner.

(Also if anyone can explain this to me, you have the right to explain this to me like I'm a 8 year old kid if you like cause thats probably about as much as I understand it and its fair. I am always so bewildered as to how that kind of coping Works and thus always confused as to how to best help someone that copes in such a way)

#alter: riku #ramble

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fumblingmusings · 1 year

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ooooh hope you dont mind me jumping in here but its so fun to see how having a madeline or caroline in place of matthew and alfred would change things. i think madeleine might get treated more gently by arthur but i wonder if evelyn would worry about her 'inheriting' her lethargy. caroline like alfred would likely outshadow her sister with her loud bubbly personality and pure strength and health. Madelline tho is still the line of defence for arthur or evelyn so thats fun to explore.

Jump on jump on I like it when people jump on nothing like shouting into the void and hearing echo drift back like wohoo

Imma go completely off topic for 1,000 words, but your words triggered this so... please refer to blog title for what this blog's consistency is like. Have some headcanons for baby Arthur (and fem!England too) for how that would shape their own approaches to parenthood!

I like the idea of parenting (in fiction!!!) being someone either A) Making the exact same mistakes their own parent made and passing on generational trauma to their offspring or B) Trying so hard to avoid repeating mistakes that you end up creating a whole new host of issues to pass down. Male England - Arthur - is the former, Female England - Evelyn - is the latter.

When it comes to when England popped out of the ground like a spring daisy, there are many valid ideas. I like all of them depending on my mood. For maximum angst, I like England being born for the Roman Invasion, and with that comes every piece of horror that the Romans had to offer. Plus the plumbing the hot baths the toilets etc etc. But never mind that. Arthur is different to his brothers, and maybe it's not clear at first why. Wales is born at the same(ish) time, and yet they aren't Roman Britain, their mum is still merrily chugging along at this point with Ireland Scotland (and the Isle of Man if anyone remembers...). But Wales is so clearly his mother's son, and grows at a nice steady pace, even if the relations to Ireland and Scotland are not too obvious.

But Arthur... Oh dear. He's small for a very long time. But then he truly is that little (fat) cuckoo bird in the nest starving the other children and slowly killing the parents and he doesn't even understand how... until Rome leaves and those blasted Germans rock up. Invited or otherwise. And suddenly Arthur has that late childhood growth spurt and his mother grows weaker. Maybe she was always incredibly wary by him, maybe the fact that for as long as she was strong he was small, and when she was weaker he began to grow was incredibly off putting. It's hard to love something which is your own mortality staring you in the face. It's a thing with monarchs even. A king can never truly love the heir because they are a living reminder that you will die and there is someone ready to take your place.

Arthur's childhood was lonely, we know this. His brother's chased him away with rocks and arrows and he found solace with his folklore. Kid's never had unconditional affection in his life, is what I mean. His neighbour is France. Disaster. Same for female England. So... how they internalise that? Are they self aware enough to say 'What happened to me was wrong, was not my fault, so here's how I will take steps to avoid similar situations arising in the future?' or will they go 'I clearly was a weak little bug of a child, no kid of mine will be the same, I will love them, but by God they have to hit certain standards, the same standards I was held to, because I failed because I was weak and they will not, because no child of mine will be weak, and even if they don't, I turned out fine, so they will be fine.'

Or does it depend on the kid? Eldest child maybe does get the unconditional affection, because this time there is no ticking time bomb for the elder nations death, England is 2000+ miles away from America. England and America will continue quite merrily even if the other falls. Alfred is not Arthur's end. Opposite really. Saviour, at points. The same way I write Matthew as Evelyn's (sort of) favourite baby because of the ways she sees all those parts of herself in Matthew that she thinks could have been fixed if someone had just snuggled and cuddled with her more (it would not) and using him as a literal therapy child, Arthur and Alfred it's more like all the things Arthur saw in himself as thriving despite how he was brought up is in Alfred... because of Arthur. Does that make sense?

Or maybe it's the opposite? Like there's this great scene in The Borgias towards the end of the series where The Pope finally admits why he is so creeped out by his eldest son by saying He is me. All the fire the fury, the drive, the pitiless ambition... I look into his eyes I see myself. Do you expect me to love that? Maybe Arthur loves Alfred but is also intensely put off by him, in the exact same way Britannia was with baby England, but Arthur tries very hard not to pull away like his mother did, but it ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy where Alfred wants to leave anyway what was the fucking point and how that utterly fucks up subsequent relations with the future kids.

Female England, at least in my eyes, throws herself so hard into being a mother, partially to prove that she was better than her own mum, that she deserved better, that she is genuinely superior. And she ends up with the opposite problem where it's less the mother being distant and more the kids very naturally grow up and want to leave and she goes no no no I am better I was better why would anyone leave. Again, it's the growing up without unconditional affection which utterly distorts what a genuinely healthy parental child relationship looks like.

...I haven't even touched female America and Canada. :| Honestly there's so many combos. Arthur Alfred Matthew, Arthur Caroline Matthew, Arthur Alfred Madeleine. Evelyn Alfred Matthew, Evelyn Caroline Matthew, Evelyn Alfred Madeleine, Evelyn Caroline Madeleine. All different varieties of yikes.

#q&a #headcanon #this is long I apologise #hws england #hws america #hws canada #arthur's parenting #hetalia #fanfic ask

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geometricalien · 3 years

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OKAY I finished Life is Strange True Colors and it's time to give my hot trash opinions that no one asked for :) (spoilers will be below the cut)

I avoided almost everything released about this game because I did not want any spoilers whatsoever and I think that served me well.

I also came in with an open mind, I gotta say I was weary since deck nine had all of the control and I didn’t particularly like before the storm that much it was fine though.

All that said True Colors was beautiful. It has excellent graphics, compelling characters and side plots for each character, the power system was new and cool. I wasn't sure how being an empath would translate but it worked well in mechanics, was epic, and suited the theme of not just the game but Alex.

I played for about 10 hours Thursday with some breaks to stretch and get food. So needless to say, I was having a great time.

It has excellent sets and even though the power mechanics are exactly the same each time it's still fresh and creative in how these emotions can shape the world around them.

This is just a personal nitpick nothing actually important, the town is a fictional Coloradan small town and as someone who grew up in a neighboring state with similar small town/mining/outdoorsy communities- or visiting them- the town buildings were fantastic! I loved main street, I've been in towns with that exact same style. But the flower bridge and the deer were just... a tinge over the top, it felt like you were trying to sell "Paradise" way too hard. But besides that I loved the towns vibe!

I felt... a little burnt out being able to play all of the chapters at once, I think part that made the lis community so strong was that it had time to build and react to the episodes together. It gave us time to theorize and make fancontent. Versus binge gaming and shot like a bullet into the air, done too quick. I don’t feel as connected to the characters because I’ve only been with them for 14 ish hours vs months

NOW THAT BEING SAID- the pacing was good, it gave us the reins being able to free roam the map at nearly all times and it never felt like we were being dragged down

Overall, True Colors is a great addition. Had amazing voice acting graphics, characters, and themes. I definitely recommend checking this game out

Spoilers now abound:

Going back to an earlier comment- almost all scenarios where you used Alex's power in depth were fresh and interesting. My favorites being Ethan, Charlotte, and Eleanor. I bring this up because Duckie's was the most dull- which you could say matches because he is normally the life of the party so... feeling empty or dull makes sense for him. But then Pike’s was also similarly lacking in environment, so it didn’t feel as fulfilling

I loved loved loved episode 3. The larping was so much fun and I was tickled with the turn based fighting. I especially loved when Ethan made the world come to life, my heart lifted in pure joy.

The two main romance interests are... interesting. Ryan's insight and caring nature drew me to him the instant we met while Steph sort of came off... as separated? But as we became friends with them both it became super hard to chose. And at the end seeing their reactions to the bomb drop showed so much characterization. Steph's ride or die and Ryan (in my playthrough) just had someone challenge his entire life view of course that's hard to take in within 30 seconds. I got that religious gay trauma, I get it.

This is where I feel spacing out the episodes could've also helped with our fondness of characters. After Ryan didn't believe me I didn't want to pursue him anymore, my affection was weakened

However I chose to forgive both Ryan and Jed despite feeling like I missed the character development to reasonably make that decision. I understand this entire game is shadow work for Alex and it is growing her emotional intelligence by miles but I think I would have preferred more sign postings from the game saying "hey bc of your choices you are growing" which wasn't really true because-

Alex was suppressing her sadness, fear, and anger from her traumatic youth. So in episode 5, reliving all of those moments were the chance to level up in emotional intelligence. It felt odd to learn exactly everything at the very end but again it's okay because she was suppressing just like Jed which made her able to understand his emotions and walk him through them

TALKING ABOUT THAT TALK WHO GOT GIFS??? I NEED TO SEE HER EYES GLOWING AND FLICKERING WITH COLOR

I loved the parallel/bookendings of chapter 1: Side A and chapter 5: Side B, I'm a sucker for that shit

It's obvious that alot of care and heart was put into this game, it has layers and the more you peel back the more it reveals thematically

Now I got to compare it to my biggest criticism of LiS and Before the Storm, and ultimately the reason why I love LiS2 more than either of them. Does your choices actually matter?

LiS? No. The game ended with an ultimatum that made all of your choices in the end not matter and LiS is sold as a "your choices actually matter" type of game so seeing that be a load of malarkey always puts a bad taste in my mouth

Lis:bts? No. It's a prequel. I can admire the idea of "life may be futile but make the most of it" while you can and that definitely encompasses Rachel's side of bts. But that doesn’t negate the fact that this is more a game with a straight plot than LiS

LiS2? YOU GOT 4 ENDINGS AND YOU CAN ONLY CHOSE 2 AND ITS NARROWED DOWN TO HOW YOU PLAYED THIS GAME- THATS WHAT I CALL A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE/YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

True Colors? I think TC lies somewhere between LiS2 and LiS in this aspect. Its definitely very railed, I think in every one you will get Jed to confess, so it depends on how you go about convincing him, romancing, and deciding your future to... well... decide your future. I can't fault it. It left it up to the player to decide and to not be screwed over by our previous choices (cough cough) and that is the crowd pleasing choice.

So, in the sense that it all feels very railed until the last 15 minutes when they spin us on an ice rink and say "freestyle baby"- it's fine. I'm not mad about it. But it does make me wonder what would've happened if we don't have any of the committee members on our side? Would we leave town effective immediately? Would the truth even have gotten out? Because if that's true... I would bump it up in the "does your choices matter?"

You make choices and those choices have consequences, sometimes out of your control. That's what LiS2 perfected and what I want to see more in this franchise.

#life is strange true colors #life is strange #spoilers #life is strange spoilers #life is strange true colors spoilers #listc spoilers #life is strange 2 #I had lots of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone else played and get the chance to play it again with a different angle #anti life is strange #(that's for moots im not bashing the series but I do share my criticism of the game for sure)

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gothamdad · 3 years

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THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS PART ONE: CINEMATIC WRONGS AND ANALYSIS COMMENTARY

DO NOT REBLOG.

This is going to be a bullet point list of incidents that occur in the movie, and will either have my general commentary or an analysis of what makes the scene terrible (or in some rare cases, good). TRIGGERS FOR SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH, AND DYSMORPHIA

-bruce trying to kill himself in the beginning of the movie.

Hes reckless, and willing to risk his life, but not suicidal. But he just purposefully gets into a wreck at 2 minutes into the movie?? for no reason??? theres literally no reason for it other than it being angsty bc they COULDVE started the movie with the mutants doing crime, as the next scene cuts right into it and the following news reports

-"This reporter hopes that wherever he is, hes enjoying a toast with good friends" said when its the anniversary of batman’s disappearance

this is stupid I hate this movie. You're telling me Gotham forgives Batman for just disappearing on them? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN IN NML AND EVERYONE GOT PISSED??? Like everyone in this movie seems to have forgot he abandoned the city. Not to mention, and I'm gonna go off on a tangent here, bruce will be batman for as long as he lives. He calls himself batman in his mind even when hes retired. He believes that Bruce wayne is the mask. His whole identity is batman. Saying that hed quit because of jason is not only stupid because it implies Jason's death isnt just as important as his parents, but shows that any tragedy is enough to permanently knock him down. And as if the league, or the family, would have let him give up. Anyway the whole reason the retirement in batman beyond works is because it shows bruce was going to fight until he literally died on the spot, but instead he pointed a gun, didn't even use it, just pointed it, and he realized he wasnt fit to HONOR batman anymore. He broke the rule. And he doesnt deserve to wear the mantle. This is so good because 1) bruce still wants to be batman and 2) it doesnt imply that he gave up at all, and at this point with his decreasing wellness his family WOULD be telling him to stop

-Gordon toasts with Bruce on the anniversary

FBKSBSOANSISSB OH MY GOD IT JUST SHOWED HIM SHARING A TOAST WITH GORDON. this is the anniversary of the last time batman is sighted and gordon. JIM FUCKING GORDON. Is celebrating. When they were literally partners and hed shine the batsignal each night TELL ME WHERE THE LOGIC IS!!! I CANT FIND THE LOGIC!!!!! I'm literally 3 minutes into this movie..... and already this is how its going...

-Gordon and Bruce talk

"You're not worried about me, are you?" Asked when hes in clear danger of being attacked by mutants "noT MorE tHAn i aM tHe ReST oF tHis CItY" ah yes. I forgot that Bruce hated gotham and jim Gordon. My mistake. Common misconception.

-the mutants are introduced

Ugh and it's the worst kind of villains too, jim just described the mutants as "the worst kind of criminals. They are only after violence, with no humanity at all" GIVE! VILLAINS! REASONING! I hate these joker wannabes Joker was already enough we dont need a million more "lol I'm just evil deal with it" villains

"Talk to Dick lately?"asks Gordon "You know I havent" Bruce responds

THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING W O R S E BC I KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE GOES AND HE JUST INSTANTLY HAS CARRIE BE THE NEW ROBIN- WHICH, IS N O T BRUCE'S TO GIVE. ITS ALWAYS BEEN DICK'S MANTLE TO PASS DOWN- WHEN HE HASNT BEEN SPEAKING TO DICK????

-tangent on how it’s overlooked that Dick Grayson was the one to make Robin, not Batman

This is a sin that not just the movie, but the batman franchise in general seems to always make. Robin was made as a tribute to the flying graysons, and is meant to be colorful and aerodynamic for acrobatic tricks. it should always be dick’s to pass down, or the next robin after.

-Bruce begins having trouble with holding back his urge to be Batman

His whole wanting to be batman again thing started because of a newspaper with a family's death and pearls being sold. On the same front cover. I'm. THATS WHEN HE REMEMBERS HIS PARENTS? NOT EVERY FUCKING TIME HE HEARS A GUNSHOT? OR CLOSES HIS EYES? OR SEES BLOOD? HE READS A NEWSPAPER THATS FLOATING IN THE WIND??????NOT EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT JASONS COSTUME? OR THE OTHER CRIMES COMMITTED??????LOGIC!!!!!!!!!! I NEED !!!! TO KNOW!!!!! WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!! ARE U KIDDING ME NOW THE MARK OF ZORRO, WHICH IS WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW OLD NOW, IS ON TV??????????? AND HE JUST HAPPENS TO FLIP TO THE CHANNEL.. Batman telling bruce "you've tried to hold me back. But you're weak. Ypu know it in your soul. You're nothing but a hollow shell." Is so STUPID!! WHY HAS HE BEEN FIGHTING BEING BATMAN!!!!!!!!!! BRUCE SHOULD WANT TO BE BATMAN!!!! AND HATE HAVING TO NOT BE!!!! AND A BAT FLYING INTO HIS WINDOW AGAIN???? STOP THE FUCKING CLICHES IM SICK OF THIS . UR NOT BEING NEXT LEVEL, MOVIE. ITS JUST DUMB. ITS DUMB!!!

-Carrie Kelly

her first ??? Appearance??? Is her going into KNOWN MUTANT GANG TERRITORY instead of going through the rain. And scolding her friend for not having backbone WHEN THEY COULD LITERALLY DIE and saying, and I quote, "its better than out there." then when interviewed about the incident her friend says "It was a flying monster! With wings and fangs!" and she replies with "Reality check, Michelle, it was definitely a man, but he had to be like 12 feet tall" OH YEAH THATS VERY REALISTIC CARRIE. Shes an asshole to her friend and we're supposed to like her. Oh and Carrie's reason for wanting to be robin? She saw the bat signal while her parents were talking about public marches. That's it. That's her reason. Not because she was attacked by mutants and almost died.

-Giving the movie credit

Okay but if theres another thing I'll give credit for, and I'm sure its unintentional, is that Harvey is the first criminal he wants to take down. Because Harvey is always going to be Bruce's priority. He didnt go after the mutants, but Two-Face. And the way that confrontation goes when it’s revealed harvey thinks both sides of his face are scarred. the Arkham staff fixed his scars before he was ready for treatment, and his mental health wasn’t priority. he was going to have dysmorphia either way, but not treating mental illness worsened it. kinda? good writing? But I think it was unintentional to have the idea that Arkham didnt know what they were doing and the belief that scars are important before trauma, and how trauma has to be helped first. I dont believe for an instant that's what's meant.

-Carrie Kelly part two

She gets a Robin costume and goes out onto the roof and is like.... almost dies. THEN THE NEXT SCENE WE SEE HER SHES LIKE COMPLETELY ACROBATIC? WHY IS SHE SO ACROBATIC NOW!!! THIS TAKES PRACTICE!!!

-Batman confronting the man who supplied the mutant gang with guns

Oh, this scene...He hands a guy a gun, knowing full well that he was depressed because his wife was dying and he had to make more money to save her by supplying the mutants with weapons, and just walks away as he kills himself. (input from a friend which i like: think about everything bruce did to help mr freeze and his wife now think about this scene )

Batman vs Mutants

oh, and the "batmobile". Aka his tank. Rubber bullets. Ok fine, whatever, but RUNNING THEM OVER AND SHOOTING MISSCLES ISNT LETHAL? AND HOW IS CARRIE KELLY GOOD AT FIGHTING ALL OF THEM WHEN SHE COULDNT HANDLE HERSELF WITH ONE LIKE A WEEK AGO. hate that the mutant leader is just a ripoff of bane with long pointed nipples I hate this. I hate that batman cant take him down, but carrie kelly can. AND THE MUTANT LEADRER TOTALLY DIED WHEN BRUCE THREW ADHESIVE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS SUFFOCATED BUT LATER ON IT SHOWS HE LIVES ??

Bruce talks to Carrie

"What is this thing?" -carrie "Dick called it the batmobile" -bruce "SIR!!" -alfred over the radio There are no words. Then she pops his arm into place and creates a makeshift cast And he says "where'd you learn to do that?” and because she’s a mary sue she says nothing, because miller doesnt know why she should, so he cuts to "what's your name?" and she says "Carrie. Carrie Kelly. robin" and HE FUCKING GOES "MINES BRUCE." and then immediately tells Alfred hes bringing "robin" to the cave. I hate it here I hate that he forgets what happened to Jason aFTER ITS HIS LITERAL REASON FOR QUITTING. WHAT IS THE POINT IF HE’S GOING TO ACCEPT THIS GIRL HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW AS ROBIN?

-Bruce talks about Jason

OH BRUCE'S FUCKING LINE. HIS LINE. IM FURIOUS Alfred asks "have you forgotten what happened to Jason?" And he says "I'll never forget. he was a good soldier. He honored me" I AM !!!! SHAKING!!!! WITH HOW MAD !!!! I AM!!! Bruce would NOT say that shit. Implying that jason wasnt his son, or that jason was only a casualty in a war, or that HE FUCKING HONORED HIM AND NOT THE CITY, OR THE TITLE OF ROBIN "He honored me" shut the fuck up I hate this and dont even get me started on the misconceptions of Robin in the first place. i dont want to go into the debate on whether or not they’re soldiers, which I personally don’t believe. but its just stupid because Jason considered being Robin the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he was THE BEST. it wasnt his fault he was killed, either.

-The ending

So the mutant escapes his cell by going through a VENT. A . V E N T. AND ENDS UP IN THE SEWER. I hate that these mutants are just an army of evil people and have no motivation and the leader is just a brute I fucking hate Bruce calling him "son" And the mutants become the sons of batman who fight crime......??? because their leader is gone?? werent they supposed to be evil criminals with no humanity in them?

-Joker

Okay but Joker being absent the entire first part , only to show up in the end hearing news reports about batman, and then smiling as he stands up and just fucking creepily says "darling" holy shit that gave me goosebumps. another credit i have to give.

#long post /#theres still a part two but i am TIRED #i cannot today...... mayhaps if yall like this ill do the second part #ᴜɴᴍᴀsᴋᴇᴅ : OUT OF CHARACTER

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ghwosty · 5 years

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#I will not let my mother impose her own insecurities onto me #yeah its horrible that my moms first husband (not my dad) cheated on her #that must have been fucking awfult to go through #but bc of it she has major trust issues that she never learned to deal with in a healthy way #instead she always wants to assume the worst from people #like tonight.. this morning my boyfriend said he was going to come by after work #later on around the time he was getting off he texted me that his mom urgently needed his help with something and wouldnt be able to come #he told me that he was sorry and that he loves me and even asked when i was getting work sunday so he could pick me up #but of course my mom immediately got all weird like she was suspicious #and it almost made me get insecure.. but i snapped myself put of it cause i really trust my bf #like i get she has trust issues.. but like.. I DO TOO #but ive ya know.. tried to work through them.. maybe im naive but i dont want to go through life assuming everyone wants to hurt me...#but thats how my mom makes me feel and it sucks..#whether shes aware of it or not.. even tho her trust issues arent her fault.. mine arent my fault either #my trust issues that stem from my childhood trauma are not my fault..#but im still the one whos responsible for how those internalized issues effect how i treat other humans #but she doesnt get how you cant just use past hurt as an excuse to hurt others

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the-library-of-theories · 3 years

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Something I wrote a while back when people blamed Tommy for a lot of things... I’ll might update it with the recent events (like Tommy’s death, Jacks sudden built, etc.)

Actually, no war besides one (not the first one) was caused by Tommy.

Let me give you a comment that I’ve posted before but a bit updated.

The disc war (1 war) was caused by Dream stealing Tommy’s Disc as a result of him helping Sapnap (who asked for Tommy’s help) who was in a battle with Ponk.

The second war (L’Manburg vs. Dream SMP) was a result of Wilbur wanting independence for L’manburg. And was resolved when Tommy sacrificed his discs!!!

The third war (the pet war) was a result of Sapnap playing around and killing Niki and Tommy’s pets. But it was resolve as Tommy took a step up and asked for an apology for Niki from Sapnap to Dream as it started with Sapnap and Niki. (Later Fundy retaliated but was again resolved (Tommy had little to do with this besides giving support)).

The forth war (the railway skirmish) was a result of an accident. (And I understand that both parties in this battle are at fault so heres a point to you). This would be the only one “caused by” Tommy even though it was an accident.

The next was just an election that was handled... somewhat peacefully (mainly Wilbur fault as Tommy follows Wilbur) but is then exhiled.

The next war was the burning of the Burning Eiffel Tower which was begun by Sapnap after killing his pet cow Henry in attempts to kidnapped Henry. The last battle was the battle of the lake which allowed Pogtopia to win the first war.

The next war was Manburg vs Pogtopia. (Yes, I’m skipping the festival as it wasn’t really a war) which again was a result of the two conflicting nations. Not because of Tommy. That and Tommy tried to do the right thing as he probably knew (and took Wilbur’s words to heart about him never being president) and gave it up as he still had unfinished business with Dream.

Doomsday war... this was because of all Dream, Techno, and Tommy. Dream having what he wants, Techno wanting revenge, and Tommy wanting to right his wrongs and follow his own morals. Don’t forget that this is after he somewhat recovers from the trauma that Dream afflicted on Tommy. You can’t really recover in such short time. That and think of all the other wars he was in and participated in.

Can you say he’s not innocent? Yes. War makes people do things that will haunt them or bite back at them. (Don’t believe me? Read some history! Ask what happens to veterans who have returned from war! I have a lot of grandpas and great grandpa’s who all have participated and returned... some... couldn’t handle the peace or really return back to the life they had. Also movies don’t really help in this case as they give “happy” endings)

Does this resolve all his actions? No. Yes war makes you do bad stuff and some or many are questionable. But then again its the spur of the moment. The will to survive. Don’t get me started on the aspect of revenge. We all at one point wanted to somehow get revenge whether it be over something funny like a prank or over something serious like an ex. I’m saying this cause I know the feeling and am doing my best to not be a hypocrite and accepting that yes! At a point in my life I wanted to get revenge and was fueled by anger... I didn’t as I had a good friend who helped me think of a better way. (Mind you it was a similar situation with Tommy as someone took a special item of mine (a fan from my grandpa) and broke it. (We resolved it as he fixed it for me).

Lastly the big excuse. He’s a kid...

He’s a kid who has been through several wars... some of which he only supported his friends.

He’s a kid who’s home has been grieved, blown up, vandalize, stolen, and lost... and no one had any sort of punishment and yet when he burns one house (it was an accident as he was only just stealing (again not really helping his case)) he is suddenly exiled.

He’s a kid who’s family is either dead (Wilbur), betrayed and won’t listen (Techno (and yes, I know Tommy betrayed Techno [I’m also a Techno apologies and want them to reunited and work out the bad things] but Techno also killed Tubbo, killed Tommy, destroyed Wilbur’s memory (L’manburg), and mind you Tommy knows that Techno had to owe a favor to Dream so he knows that Techno could betray him if Dream used his favor on Tommy)), and abandoned (Philza).

He’s a kid who knows more betrayal than trust. Yet he still has the heart to put trust in others.

He’s a kid who went through hell and back with Dream. I’m surprised he is even able to keep his personality. Have you seen what abused, manipulation, and gaslighting does to a child? To a teen? Read some survivor stories of abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting! Read the symptoms of ptsd!

He’s a kid who never really had time to be a kid! For goodness sake, one of the firsts things he was thrown into was a battle!

He’s a kid who’s had to watch his brother who raised him go insane and die at the hands if his father! Mind you that Wilbur also knew the importance of the discs was to Tommy and was practically the only one to support Tommy and build L’manburg as a haven for Tommy. (I think Wilbur’s unfinished Symphony was not L’manburg but was Tommy).

He’s a kid who’s only other true friend is Tubbo (ALSO don’t get me started on Tubbo! Yes! He made Nukes. Yes, he exhiled Tommy. But mind you, just like Tommy, he’s been through war! He’s been through as much trauma as Tommy with Jschlatt. I mean if you felt unsafe and you’ve been through war, your and your best friend are on your last life, you have done all that you could and it still wouldn’t work, you’ve been manipulated, your home is gone, the nation you gave up your life for is gone, your true caretaker (Wilbur again) is dead, the other adults expect things from you, the things you have builds you’ve spent hours on destroyed, your comfort pets killed, betrayed countless times, nearly lost your last life, and just want to feel safe for once... yea... I would too build a nuke. Actually, I would have gone insane like Wilbur... I could go on but lets just continue).

He’s a kid who had to grow up fast.

He’s a kid... who is the youngest on the server.

Now?

He’s recovering.

He has adults (Awesamdude, Puffy, and even Eret) who are trying their best to help him, protect him, and be the actual role models he needs as his other models are all gone.

He has Tubbo once again who just wants to protect him.

He’s healing.

I understand that yes! He is annoying. Yes! He had crude humor... but thats what makes Tommy, Tommy!

He reminds me a lot of my younger brother and a good friend of mine.

My younger brother acts like Tommy expect for his language and humor. I love my younger brother for who he is.

My best friend has very similar humor and language to Tommy and I love that about my friend!

I understand I can’t change some minds, but at the very least let me put some thoughts.

I can understand Tommy (his character) as a person.

And I can understand Tommy (himself) as a friend.

As for Tubbo with government and nukes...

Yea I know. Even in real life, I don’t really agree with governments in general. But Snowchester isn’t really a government, I mean yea they declared independence. But really Tubbo wanted to hide from Philza and Techno as well as provide a safe haven for others.

He created nukes as a last resort to bomb Dream should he decide to attack. Mind you, now that Dream is in prison and after he tested his first bomb, he is closing project Dream as there is no use for them now that the main threat (Dream) is gone.

That and it maybe (<- just a theory!!) that it may be the key in stopping the egg. Even Ranboo supports this as he knows that the egg has bad intentions. After this though, I believe if I remember the stream right, that Tubbo decommissioned the bombs.

I’m not giving excuses for Tubbo. Again, I’d probably go insane like Wilbur. But he’s not Wilbur. He’s learning from his mistakes unlike Wilbur and Jschlatt. He just wants peace.

It might not last long as the egg might disturb the peace that Tubbo and Tommy are trying to gain back. That and we can’t forget about Jack and Niki’s attempts to assassinate Tommy.

For all we know, Tommy is Tubbo’s will to hold back from using the bombs. I rather trust Tubbo with the bombs than Tommy as Tommy while healing wants a bit of revenge on others for all that he’s been through. At least Tubbo has the gall to hold back and decommission the bombs.

I mean... Tommy is learning as well and doesn’t want a government and even turning down Tubbo’s invite to Snowchester.

Also one more thing before I sleep and never come back as I know I can’t change your mind.

But Tubbo is doing what countries are doing in real life. I mean Tubbo even said that this is based off of the Manhatten project that created the first nuclear bomb in WW2 that was suppose to be used to end all wars.

Like I said, I don’t agree with the government as well, but the bombs... from what they all been through... yea... I’d understand.

Its like what Techno said.

“The only universal language is violence”

~Technoblade

If all that was spoken to Tommy and Tubbo is violence... then what is there to say that they will start to speak it since its all that they’ve ever known?

This is one of my best explanations for Tommy and Tubbo. I know I can’t change the minds of people but I can give evidence, support, and a good perspective from the eyes of these two kids. I just wanted to give my support.

I’m definitely a Tommy apologist as well as a Tubbo and Techno apologist.

It doesn’t stop them from getting karma from the things they’ve done wrong, but know that their actions are only a result of what they have been through. It doesn’t help when you get adults who expect them to understand everything like an adult and even have the hall to put the blame on them.

I’M SPECIFICALLY LOOKING AT YOU PHIL, NIKI, AND JACK! (character wise, not actors wise)

Mostly Niki and Jack. Philza is very very slowly building his way back up with Ranboo. (I really hope so with the way things been going if not using him.... pls don’t use the poor boy for his powers! He is in a similar situation like Tommy and Tubbo.)

I tell you, if Tommy, Tubbo, Fundy, and Ranboo has responsible adults to raise them properly like Awesamdude, Puffy, Wilbur (if he had stayed sane), and even Eret... maybe all of this could have been avoided. If all the adults could see that these four are just kids... then maybe we could have had a better outcome...

But then again, I guess...

*It was never meant to be*

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

Text

Dear Problematic Siblings; An Open Letter to Older Siblings Survivors from a Youngest Sibling Survivor

(TW: Some levels of emotional abuse, neglect and psychological abuse mentioned. Not sure what level of detail to warn since its that whole Trauma Thing where you don't know what is and isn't 'that bad' so just be careful if any of those are particularly touchy topics)

Don't think too formal of this writing despite the formal sounding title, this is a bit of an open free form letter I wanted to put out to those who have siblings you aren't in contact with or don't have a relationship with following an abusive childhood environment may that be due to having to cut contact for safety or bad blood from how you hurt each other growing up.

I am / We are the youngest of two sisters - one older by 6~ years, the other older by 4~ years and our household was unsafe since before I was born. In theory, my oldest sister might have seen the abuse arise, maybe my middle sister had a bit of time before plunged into hell, but I was born condemned. First and foremost, its important to acknowledge how even these few years have likely developed how we perceive our lives and our situation greatly; far more than either of us can probably have the conscious awareness of as - regardless of how old we were when we first faced it, we were still learning and forgetting a lot of things that would innately frame the way we see the others and the world.

To the sister that made my life miserable, to the one that actively attacks and bullied me, actively tried to silence me and turn my parents against me, actively made the already bad neglect worse and actively took away all of the very few to no resources I had; to the sister that told me I couldn't complain because I was "too young" to remember the worst of the trauma; to the sister that I threw out of my life for four years and refused to so much as be in the same room as or see for two years, to the sister I gave up on after she disappointed me by repeating the same harmful behaviors over and over again over the six to eight years I had made an attempt to come to an understanding and make things work with; to the sister who - after time apart and given independent healing - came to the realization that our lives and childhood sucked, that we both were put through, that over time realized that the there was a lot more to life than the petty stressors we had built a habit of fighting over; to the sister that still from time to time, when prompted with specific triggers, will still revert back to those survival mechanisms and begin behaving in ways that are similar to how she did when we were younger; to that sister, I understand and I forgive you.

It took a while to get around here - a lot of work of healing and a lot of time apart to work through, process, recover and grow from the damage I had sustained in childhood both at your hands and not, but I understand. We were both children and we were both trying to survive. Children being forced to survive like we did will almost always look ugly, will almost always make a mess, and thats not your fault nor mine. Neither of us should have been put into that situation, and I understand why we were that way before, I forgive you and I hope you forgive me for whatever slights I likely did while trying to survive myself. I also understand that just acknowledging and being aware of this doesn't stop the trauma and immediately cure the pain and wounds that were inflicted upon us, and while we might relapse into old dynamics, I understand and forgive you already so as long as you do the same back. Healing isn't easy and more than anything, the thing that I value and cherish most is that we both have reflected on our pasts and how they affect our present and have made active genuine effort to handle it. The past is in the past, and the future is what we make of it. I'll be patient with you if you are patient with me.

To my oldest sister; to the sister that saw my pain when I was seven and came to help me; to the sister that took responsibility for making my life good and making sure I succeed; to the sister that saw the danger I was in and became dedicated, obsessed even, with making sure I did better than she did; to the sister that sat me down when I was not even in middle school to plan out all my classes up until graduate school and planned to help me enroll in the military at age 14 to pay for my tuition; to the sister that wanted to see me happy all the time to the point of recognizing a complex dissociative disorder and intentionally triggering one part out regularly to make herself feel better; to the sister that trained me in the brutal world of capitalism and taught me how to live on nothing because she knew, for a certain, that no one would be there for me and made sure I knew that I was entirely on my own; to the sister that gave me freedom and protection from my parents in exchanged for the knowledge that no one would help me should I fail; to the sister that got me a bird when she knew she was going to leave me alone and unprotected; to the sister that taught me to dominate everyone and everything to maintain peace, safety, and control; to the sister who was extensively traumatized and scared who used me as a subject to project her anxieties upon with good yet selfish and inconsiderate intent; to the sister who both saved me from my parents, but also made the effects of the 10x times worse and more dramatic; to the sister who I defended for 21 years of my life and kept from being disowned 6 times when no one else in the family would stand up for her; to the sister who - upon the slightest push back and watered down critique to acknowledge the damage done - threw me to the side as a party not trying in the relationship; to the sister who doubles down and refuses to reflect and grow, I appreciate what you have done for me and understand, but I do not forgive you - nor do I see myself forgiving you in the near future.

The most I can hope for is that you, much like my other sister, when given time apart, will come to realize the damage that you have done. That you will come to realize the true shittiness of our lives and understand that by constantly running, by constantly living in the ways that we originally learned to cope with our lives, by perpetuating the trauma that we were born and raised in, by never looking back to move forward, we will never truly escape and live the life that we deserve but were denied. As much as I wish I could sit here with you and help you through this process, that would cost me my own ability to heal, to move forward, to grow. I understand that you were doing the best for yourself, and I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you did what you thought was best for me - growing up how we did was hard and you more than any of us three had to deal with a lot of it on your own and without warning. You were of an older generation - mental health information was not as accessible and far more stigmatized - people were more conservative and less progressive. I completely understand how and why it is that your pain had been redirected onto me; however, I can't see that you see that. You seem unable to see your own fault and folly along with the consequences I was forced to bare. I can not forgive you, if you can not acknowledge your part in this show.

To that sister, all I can say is I hope you heal. I hope you get better and I hope you see that life doesn't have to be a constant game of run away from the past and trauma. I hope that one day you will realize why it is that conflicts follow and case you around. I hope that one day you reflect on the past and realize how your pain had caused others pain and I hope you can still love and accept yourself anyways. I hope then that we can talk again and start anew, but until then, I can not forgive you.

To both my older sisters, I don't know what our childhood was like for you - I lived it, I watched it, I saw it, but I could never truly fullly understand or begin to fathom what it was like on your side of the table, so I won't act like I do any more than I need to understand that I don't need to hate you for the rest of my life. Our childhood was hard, harder than any of us can properly remember by the sheer nature of it. I don't wish to hold bad blood over things happened in the past that will only get further and further in the past until they disappear to irrelevancy. I don't wish any ill upon either of you (excluding the acute moments when you really piss me off and/or we trigger one another****). I truthfully hope we all can heal, move on, and live our lifes regardless of how bad our first two or so decades of our individual lives have been. We are all survivors and thats something to be respected of.

Sincerely,

The Youngest Sibling

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

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bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

#im so fucking terrible with talking abt issues and emotions skshxhxhx #but i never expected anyone to say they had a reason to live bc of me and my blog so it made me🗿#fr like i cannot comprehend fjdhdx #bruh u better hang on in there cuz we finna goin to the 40th dimension together soon😳#the confessional

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hugttos · 5 years

Text

ANOTHER callout for alex @/knfe

others here

this will mostly focus on the massive pile of lies alex has managed to spin up

lying about the whole reason we fell out anyway-

so i dumped alex’s shitty toxic ass once she vagued about me when she knew i was struggling and acted like a piece of shit about it, and then constantly made up reasons as to why it was my fault instead of just. owning up that she was a piece of shit

alex literally never said this happened until months later where its more convenient for her. i guess the fact it was supposedly her grandmas bday makes it a better sob story to buy because she literally Never mentioned this until this post so...whats the truth perhaps

this is again. supposedly. me admitting i knew it wasnt about me. the vague is this

fucking obviously ‘only good for sex’ doesn’t apply to me yet this whole vague mentions like five different things. but alex likes to ignore that and act like she ONLY mentioned being used for sex when its clearly full of umbrella statements. she completely ignores ‘only good for emotional support’ which is literally just the second sentence. this is the part i focus on because alex knew i was still grieving over a SERIOUS trauma that happened to me literally two weeks prior to this

also ‘the very next day’ now alex is lying and painting it as if i rushed her to talk about it when i had PURPOSELY waited until the next day rather than confront her about it when she was obviously still freaking out. but like. again. fuck me for trying to be a considerate friend right alex????

alex also decided to spin up the narrative that i only talked to anthony about it to drive a wedge between them which..isnt true lol.

alex was just a dick to anthony for no reason (as she states above) and apparently i ‘forced it out of her’ by like. simply asking i guess? alex was also being very shitty during this time to so obviously im gonna ask her wtf her problem is but again. alex gets a free pass apparently and im an ass for being worried. also anthony came to ME first because of what you were doing and i was actually the one who had to sort out your stupid ass disagreement despite having my own VERY fresh trauma to work through at the time. alex even said she wasn’t even considering doing anything and just leaving the relationship in tatters bc of her own dumb shit and i had to convince her NOT to do that lmao.

me going to anthony with alex being a piece of shit just to stir up drama is SUCH a fucking reach. anthony even said to me he didn’t want to be friends with someone like alex when i showed him this but they like to conveniently ignore that :)

downplaying showing a minor porn-

they only blocked the channel after i called them out on it btw. so. again. truth is only at alex’s convenience

lying about her abuse-

tim is alex’s abuser, who she sexted with despite knowing he was dating someone else and even blamed her for alex’s own shitty actions (which alex likes to say never happened but theres screenshot proof SO)

again, this is me pointing out how alex is fucking horrible to her friends but also manipulative about doing anything to make herself a victim in any situation. this post is about her abuser who alex would talk about even WHEN WE WERE STILL FRIENDS in the group chat and it was literally always negative. like me wondering what the fuck would compel her to keep hanging out with the dude despite all that makes me victim blaming i guess???? but again alex has been known to befriend her own supposed abusers before so.. go figure i guess

alex me calling you out for being abusive and having tons of proof, but you’re too fucking stupid to actually own up to shit? thats not gaslighting??

alex is the only one who’s actually gone to ppl trying to get them to side with her and i have plenty of ppl who can account to this. and alex is just. endlessly fucking dense and doesn’t understand how hypocritical it is for her to say ‘i was just making posts on my own blog!!’ when she’s been known to flip out when I do the same. even when its not even close to being about her.

and yes uhh i cant believe i have to say this but gloating about ‘healing uwuw’ while you’re abusing someone is uhh. fucking disgusting!

lying about old drama-

alex loves to claim that i was 18 during the old callouts despite having it archived and having the information right in front of her

lying about interacting with abusers (and also making it about her)-

broden is MY abuser too dumbass and (literally by your own admission) i was abused a lot worse by him so shut the fuck up?? broden forced me to do rape rps too, along with guilting me and gaslighting me AND my boyfriend for years. also no alex you unblocked him to ‘prove’ you were underage when you dated when i caught you lying saying it was pedophilic and he dated you when he was in his 20s and you were 16. i outed you that it was actually that you were 17 about to turn 18 and he was barely 19 when you started dating. then you backpedaled and said you forgot which like...having memory issues myself saying you were dating a 20 year old while you’re 16 doesnt sound like a memory thing? sounds more like lying??? also while they were dating alex was cheating on broden with tim but claims she gets a free pass for that bc they’re her abusers. and like. obviously thats not how. shit works.

lying about stalking:

alex likes to move blogs rather than just own up to her shitty behavior and then scream stalking when i out her again. which is perfectly reasonable given she’s still openly abusive.

alex if lurking and vagueing makes someone a stalker then you’re shooting yourself in the foot because you literally do this MORE than i do. and ofc this is followed by screenshots of the most irrelevant text posts including me literally just saying a theme is ugly (which HAS to be about her bc literally everything is apparently

AGAIN, alex moved bc she revived her own kiwifarms thread and acted shocked when they started writing on her text wall thing and went totally fucking rabid about how it was me (it wasnt and more on this later)

i also made it clear that yes im outing alex again for reasons i previously stated

also why does alex act like im a mastermind for finding her new url when she literally reblogged aes posts from her old blog onto her new one. its not fucking rocket science alex

when you’re an active abuser who hasn’t owned up to shit your victim has a fucking right to warn people about you and it doesnt make them a stalker alex!!!

lying about how i ‘befriend freaks’-

Literally None of the links are pornographic btw..and none of them are actually? my posts?

also yes uhh i actually have proof that gideon just dug through archives to pick out things to exaggerate and no its actually not deleted because the proof is right here!

also i should point out its really REALLY hypocritical for alex to freak out over this because i unfollowed these blogs after like. a week? and alex was friends with known pedophile gorecember and also friends with someone who posts irl gore (even posted gore herself) and necrophilia.

alex claims this along with claiming i groom minors just because a mutual of mine got an ask about me and two of her followers were positive about it.

like. ive literally never interacted with these ppl before?? just bc people are nice instead of abusive like alex doesnt mean im friends with them and it doesnt indicate some big fucking conspiracy or whatever??

lying about anons and literally anything she doesnt like-

alex will literally spin the most fucking ridiculous stories to add to her narrative but like....its really simple. that anon isnt me BECAUSE I WAS LITERALLY ASLEEP WHEN THIS HAPPENED...LMAO...

alex has one of those text wall things, and she flipped out after ppl started harassing her on it right after she revived her own dead kiwifarms thread but threw a tantrum that it was me. again. when i wasn’t even online

alex has lots. LOTS.. of weak reasoning

ok so...alex really Cannot get it into her thick fucking head that ppl can fake typing styles. also alex half of these are things YOU say more than i do? or either things that like. Everyone says.

ive OUTED alex for shit before so uhh its not actually stuff only i would know if i posted about it.

this. honestly just speaks for itself.

please distance yourselves from alex, theyre an abuser and very manipulative and constantly gaslight people, pls keep yourself safe thanks

#knfe #callout post #abuse #gaslighting #freak tag #drama #HI RB THIS!!!!! THANKIES

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rainbowdoom32 · 5 years

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So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!

#aro #ace #aromantic #aromantism #asexuality #aspec #lgbt #lgbtqa

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represents-the-miracles · 3 years

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The more this feeling goes on the more hatred i have for myself.

Like how could one like listening to the same story, the same situation all over again? Not even i do.

When words of hurt spew out like a broken record, suddenly i dont feel like sharing anymore, as much as people dont feel like listening to it.

The moment i started knowing what hurt is, i immediately told myself to make it a good story; even if its a tragic one, it best be interesting.

I felt that thats the only way people would want to listen and not feel bored, burdened and leave - make it interesting. Talk about it like it wasnt a problem of my own, its someone else's. Im not a stuck little girl who cannot feel loved even if she tries, im not sad and depressed more than two thirds of my time awake, im not emitting negative energy, i can entertain you, please dont leave me alone with my problems, im scared.

Most of the time i hated myself like that. I hated the fact that people have hurt me, and now i need someone else beside me to feel balanced and not alone again. I hated the fact that i am too burdened by what comes at me that im unable to be there for anyone. Maybe sometimes i do, to the best of my abilities, but- how wonderful would it be to be there for someone, comfort them with your heart and soul and not a hole in your chest equals or double the size of their own?

So i either tell too much or not at all. I either be there to be your everything or i detach in an attempt to gain control over myself.

But both are extremes and both leaves me hurt (i do use this word a whole lot)

Im not a fan of projecting, i dont blame people for my own problems. I internalize it and convince myself that it was my fault. But sometimes it comes out, in a moment of vulnerability, when suddenly im too comfortable in a talk, and suddenly i regret ever being close to you. I feel like im guilt tripping you and dumping all my problems on you.

So i listen to your problems too. I swear i wanted to and not out of a sense of duty, i swear i love to build our connection.

But being forced to neglect my own inssues in the face of greater issues of others, "you cannot tell me about your problems because mine were even greater", the process leaves me petrified. Im reminded of how unloved and ignored i was.

And its hard, damn its hard, to sieve out the good and only the good in all the bad u receive. Its hard to stay focused on being a good person and be there for others when you couldnt resolve problems of your own. Its hard to build a future when the weight of past hurts try to ruin you every fucking 3 or 4 months. And it hurts like hell to watch your dreams go by when u stay there, paralyzed, unable to do anything about it. Just even keeping urself sane from all the noise buzzing in ur head and not go around hurting other ppl is difficult enough. But maybe im still succeeding at it, so this is a more reassuring aspect.

"I wish that everyone would know there are childrens out there struggling everyday to grow up into decent people" - quote from my new favourite book "Finding oneself in the world of late-adolescence" by Dang Hoang Giang. This shit brings back childhood traumas like no other but this is good hurt nonetheless :D

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weabbynormalblog · 3 years

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Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

#Rising above abuse #Mental illness healthy choices #Be the master in your life #Embrassing Conflict #Conflict resolution #Living with childhood trauma

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maivalentine · 7 years

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Why do “problematic” ships and characters appeal to us?

I really wanted to write up a long post on this subject, seeing the ever growing hate and even IRL bullying that occurs because someone likes a character or ship that is deemed “bad”. A lot of these people say they are abuse survivors and invalidate the feelings of OTHER abuse survivors and it’s really starting to get on my last nerve. A lot of people in fandoms commonly say things like “That doesn’t make sense to me” or “I dont understand it” or “they hate each other (as if we didnt know that already in canon)” .

Another popular thing to do is to claim we crave unhealthy relationships and glorify them to the point where mock posts and comments have been made about those of us that hate/rival ship characters. Or, if we like an individual character that is a “bad person”.

Coming from the stance of a physically and emotionally abused person - and from what I have seen in my own fandoms and other people who support characters and ships for the same reasons I do, this is an explanation as to WHY we like these characters and their dynamics. I only speak from my own POV and am in no way trying to paint a picture of everyone who can speak for themselves.

1) Rival ships :

Why do people LIKE rivals together? Typically they are seen consistently competing and trying to show each other up. Sometimes it’s questioned if they even “like” each other, or if the rivalry ends the relationship ends. There’s several things people like about rivalry. There’s something really attracting about two people getting passionate about each other. At some point it becomes a routine - their routine. Often times the bickering starts out as legit teasing, that turns into friendly banter. There are a lot of people that love the idea of friendly bickering, teasing, and the dramatics of being someones rival.

Sometimes this doesnt happen in canon. Sometimes we decide on a ship based on their character personalities and how we *think* they would act in a fanon reality. Others can perceive this TOTALLY different which is where the “not understanding” comes from. It’s kinda wilde but different chemistry appeals to different people. Unlike hateships however, rival ships tend to be really friendly. Not always, but usually. Rivals that turn to friends BUT STILL keep their antics is one of the most appealing things about their relationship(s).

2) Hateshipping:

Unlike rivalry (which can exist in hateshipping as well) these characters have made it clear in canon they DO NOT like each other, or have blatantly stated that they hate each other or even that they want to kill each other. The terrible misconception about those of us that ship these (personally, one of my favorite dynamics) is that we support abuse and we “get off” to bruised and beat up characters and we’re twisted. Now while I don’t think there’s anything WRONG with being attracted to that dynamic, for myself and many others I’ve seen in different fandoms, Hateships are NOT about abuse - and they are hardly ever based on canon events unless grabbed to use in fanon + AUs. Hateships tend to branch off from canon and form into fanon AUs where we see this chemistry working if x thing happened, or if x thing developed this way instead, etc.

Hateships aren’t all the same - sometimes we get clue-ins that the two characters are able to respect one another to a certain degree, sometimes characters start out hating each other and that changes, or sometimes they save the other’s life unprompted. Little things like that create more initiative for us to think “huh... this could work if circumstances were different”

A lot of time with hate ships, we see how the two characters personalities mesh together SO WELL even though sometimes they appear as total opposites. Like rivalshipping (which it grabs some similarities from) they have grown into a routine of needing each other in some strange way. And we LOVE to explore that.

Another big thing about ships involving hate, is that they are often written and drawn by fans as a couple that HEALS not a couple that ABUSES one another. It’s usually about healing and forgiveness - confused feelings, and really digging into how these characters really dont actually hate each other at all. The fun part is exploring their complicated relationship.

3) Problematic Characters:

*Characters that experience abuse, but have done unforgiveable things:

People tend to assume that liking a character like this means we glorify them, support what they have done (ex: murder, emotionally damaged others, acted out, caused physical harm to others) and fully support them to the point where we want them to be forgiven for the bad things that they’ve done. It varies for every character, but in most instances that is NOT the case. In fact it’s only a handful that call these types of characters “precious characters that did no wrong” and MEAN it. ( a lot of us joke abt it but arent serious )

Like I said at the start of this, as someone who’s been abused in both ways I feel like these characters deserve BETTER. Sometimes abused characters are unfairly treated in canon - they arent given help, their help is taken away from them, their abuse turns them into the awful person they are. We want them to have redemption - we want them to have a fair development. We want abused characters to have some understanding, some respect. We are not saying it’s OK that they physically or emotionally hurt others. We are saying we understand them -- sometimes their actions can reflect an abused persons *impulses* that arent acted on. Abuse pain and the inner turmoil goes deep. Abused characters usually end up with a terrible hand, shitty development, and usually die or never get a chance to be understood.

*Characters that are mentally ill:

Similar to an abused character (sometimes characters fit BOTH) people think we are saying “theyre mentally ill so we should forgive them and support what theyve done” no . no . no. much like the abused character, we SEE how their illness has effected them and again -- how theyve received no help in canon. Thats why ships involving these characters often revolve around rehab, redemption, healing. Typically with both these types of characters we see glimpses of how they were a good person before their trauma effected them. And we want to see more of that person. We want that person to come to life. Because we almost NEVER see abused or mentally ill characters come out alive or with understanding.

*Villains:

I know a lot of people don’t grasp this still, but you can like an evil character just because they are just so GOOD at being bad. It doesn’t make YOU a bad person for liking them. It’s fictional and their actions effect no one in real life. Yes, bad content can cause a trigger or a bad feeling - it can hurt. But liking a bad character does NOT MEAN we support bad feelings // things that happen to REAL people.

Villains tap into dark fiction and it’s PERFECTLY okay to love horror and twisted things in fiction. Not all villains are 100 percent terrible either. Some start as a villain and become a hero. Sometimes, the other way around (a favorite of mine). Nothing about liking a bad character means that you are a bad person.

What’s relateable about a villain? They aren’t perfect. They have interesting character development and back stories. Usually very dark things have happened in their lives. Sometimes, villains can draw out sympathy whether you see it personally or not.

People need to respect the fact that not all minds think the same. Abused and mentally ill people, do not exist in some bubble where you personally get to decide what content is right and wrong for them to consume.

People joke about “coping” but it’s true - we DO use fiction to cope sometimes and there’s nothing wrong abt it. We DO enjoy the darker side of things sometimes and want to explore it in fiction. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it hurts NO ONE at all.

If anyone tells you that you are hurting them for liking a fictional character or ship, they’re full of shit, plain and simple. You CAN NOT hurt someone by liking fictional pairings and characters.

It is not your fault if content you like triggers someone. It is not your fault if someone doesnt agree with your personal taste. It’s not THEIR fault either. It’s no one’s fault for triggers (unless we intentionally are trying to hurt someone which is shitty dont do that) and uncomfortable feelings arising for simply enjoying something.

It’s an unfortunate thing - we all handle these things differently. But what we have to realize is that all content is consumed differently and we need to respect that. We need to kindly deal with what makes us hurt (and what makes us not hurt) in a respectful manner.

It does no good to claim people are “rapists” “pedophiles” or “support murderers” for simply liking a character or a ship. You can be disgusted. You can rant. You can vent. You can express yourself no one’s stopping you.

But lines are totally CROSSED when you personally attack a person (who probably experienced some abuse of their own - its ,more likely than you think) or even physically attack a REAL LIFE person over content that they like.

People have been bullied at cons for liking characters like Goro Akechi or Nathan Prescott . People have been called horrible things for liking characters that are deemed “bad” by others.

I’m not saying pedophilic or legit horrible content doesnt EXIST nor do I condone it (lines to be crossed here too tbh), but it takes a bit of common sense... a common sense a lot of attackers against “problematic” content do not have.

To end this I want to say the most mind-blowing thing to me is a person claiming to be an abuse survivor and then emotionally or physically attacking ANOTHER ABUSE SURVIVOR (or any other type of person really) over what characters they happen to like. That IS abuse. That IS harassment. And you ARE a part of the problem.

You are not protecting us by hurting us (ABUSE SURVIVORS AND THE MENTALLY ILL) & others .

#long post #abuse #fandom #idk what else to tag this as #hateships #rivalships #problematic characters #idk???? lol

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cyincalangels · 4 years

Text

a final goodbye

as a warning, this is going to be all my thoughts and emotions in one long post. a post i never even thought i would have to make. when i first made this page, i wanted to show this to you at a bigger milestone in a relationship, i wasnt sure what that was going to be or when that was going to happen to be honest. but here we are, at our final milestone. parts of me also never really wanted to show or mention this page to you. but in all honesty, this makes it easier for me to recognize and acknowledge what im feeling and being able to come back and see how my feelings and thoughts have grown or may have changed. i read through all the posts ive written to double check if these are even worth showing you. and i still think they are. i still feel the same way in each post ive written. and i think ill always feel the same way, even after you’re no longer a huge role in my life. i was hurting after i read through all the posts because 1. ive never written things about other people like that. i never even write my feelings out like that 2. i always felt at peace almost after writing each post. each post made me more grateful for you. and dont get me wrong, its not like i only wrote these posts when i was happy, i only wrote when i remembered or made time. there should have been waaaay more posts than there really are. so ill try to make it fit in this one. and 3. im scared ill never really be able to feel like this about a person again. or at least want to be vulnerable anytime soon. again, i never really felt this way about someone. so it definitely hurts having to sit here and write this. i hurt because i know this is my fault. i dont need you to accept or validate anything in this post or what ive done and i dont need you to say it wasnt my fault. ive come to terms that a lot of this was caused by my baggage i failed to heal on my own, which eventually ended in me basically neglecting you and taking you for granted. ive honestly had to stop and cry and recollect myself several times in writing this so it may be all over the place. im also really sorry if this is way too much for you and if this is nowhere near how you felt about me.

i can thank you in a million ways for how you have impacted my life in the very short four months ive known and got the chance to experience you. you were the first and only person who really made the effort to want to get to know me and learn about me. its taught me to be vulnerable and be okay with sharing myself and my stories with others. it showed to me that some people actually still care about what made me, me. i think thats what really intrigued me the most about you. you like stories and you wanted to hear mine. and i wanted to share and experience some of my life story with you. but now all i really have of the memories that remind me of you.

you also exposed to me a lot of my own trauma that needs to be fixed. it was a hard and ugly truth i had to accept about myself and still trying to process it all now. you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and realize that youve had enough of all my baggage. that was probably one of the most humbling moments ive had in a long time because i mean yeah, people leave me for reasons, but it didnt affect me like how this did. it really woke me up to realize that i need to stop making excuses for my trauma. i cant just rely on attention to make it go away. maybe because i tried so hard (at least in my head) to do things to make you stay and i forced us to change to make it work. when ive always known that i cant control or force someone or something to stay. thank you for forcing me to want to work on myself. for me now.

i know i spent a lot of time talking about me and not enough about you. i asked you today and you said you never needed much from me and for some reason, i felt like i failed you. because you did not need much and i couldnt even give that to you. although i kept asking and telling you what i needed and what works for me and i just wanted you to listen, i couldnt even do the same. i wanted change in a relationship its like i wanted to help change you to be better for me but i couldnt even change myself to be the best for you. i didnt want to accept that the change that was needed, was in me instead. i guess you were right when you kept asking if i was ready for you. because now looking back at it all, there is still so much work for me to do.

i really went through all five stages at grief today. almost all at once. one second ill be okay and productive and really accepting of what i have to do from now on. but it could be seconds later where i think of you and suddenly bust into tears because i can no longer have access to you and no longer have you in my life. i thought to myself, “wow, i didnt think the last time i saw him was really THE last time ill probably ever see him again. ill never be able to hold his hand, hug or big spoon him, rub his back, or even scratch his head again.” all weird little things, but all things that i can never do again. i was more angry and disappointed with myself because my passion and emotions cost me someone i genuinely loved and cared about. it pushed someone away. again. i neglected you and let you slip away. i always had a feeling you’d leave me, i just didnt hope it was so soon. im going to miss you so much. beyond what words can explain. but even though i was upset or needed more when i wasnt physically with you, the second youd pick me up from the airport, all of that went away. being there with you made me forget what even makes me upset in the first place. i always appreciated every moment i got to spend with you. i was never bored. i was never tired of you. i never wished to be anywhere else than with you.

theres so many things i regret that we couldnt experience together like how we hoped we could. like we couldnt go out anywhere together. you couldnt meet my people, even though they really wanted to. and i couldnt meet your people either. im actually really sad and hurt we couldnt travel or take a trip together. i was really looking forward to it because i know how much it meant for you to travel with your partner. theres so many things i wanted to do with you because i really enjoyed your presence and just wanted to share stories with you. but we couldnt experience a normal part of a relationship because of whats going on in the world. maybe that wouldve changed some things, but also it doesnt matter now.

i wish i wouldve told you sooner. about how i really felt. not sure if that wouldve changed our situation much and what that would mean. but i never really would have thought i would fall in love with someone through an iphone screen. and i never expected you to feel the same, which may be a reason why i was always too scared to say it out loud to you. just know that i meant every word that i have ever said to you. ill still deadass ride or die for you. still support you. still always be here for you. still be a rock for you while the world is falling apart. still got your back, front, side, whatever you need. still be a call or text away. still be a nike plug if you need more shorts (or clothes and shoes in general). i could never hate you for this or for anything. i know all this is probably super dramatic for the four months ive known you, but i can promise you that this is nothing like ive experienced in a good way. i really do love you, camilo. and i knew for many weeks now. im sorry it had to come out this way. im sorry our story ended a lot sooner than we (mostly i) expected. i promise that ill still stay true to everything ive told you and promise to you that ill go to therapy for myself. please take good care of yourself. of all aspects of yourself please. i hope i can still count on you in the future. i love you. ill always keep praying for you. xoxoxo

ps this took me about two hours to write. and i might write more on here if i ever feel the creative need to release anytime soon, if youre curious to see later.

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