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Nostalgia about a time that feels like it was aeons ago. So far away, yet so close. The emotions felt, still apart of me now. Something inside wants to go back, while another part is glad to have moved on & grown from it. I take it with me, all that was, wherever I continue to go from here on, the good & the bad, the love & the lessons. I let my past be my inspiration to where I want to go & what I want to reignite, for there's nothing won in forgetting who I was, or how my life used to be. Golden is that, which was, for it brought me here. I want to embrace it more dearly, the me who always has been, underneath & within it all.
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In shadows cast by hollowed skies,
A 27-year soul embarked to rise,
Through mists of tears, a journey starts,
In search of self, where healing imparts.
A heart once whole, now shattered, torn,
In echoes of heartbreak, memories mourn,
Whispers of love, now distant sighs,
In the corridors of a broken heart, he tries.
A symphony of sadness plays,
Loneliness weaves its somber maze,
But 'midst the crowd, he stands apart,
A lone figure embracing a wounded heart.
Through alleys of depression's haze,
He walks alone, lost in its maze,
Yet a flicker within, a battle cry,
He fights for light beneath the sky.
In depressive thoughts' relentless grip,
He struggles forth, seeking a crypt,
Where buried dreams might be reclaimed,
And his spirit's fire might be untamed.
Oh, the depth of human emotion's sea,
Where waves of despair and hope dance free,
In darkness, a star begins to gleam,
Guiding him through the currents' stream.
Through sleepless nights and tear-streaked days,
He navigates life's intricate maze,
A phoenix rises from ashes within,
On wings of healing, he'll once again begin.
For within this tale of sorrow and strife,
Lies the essence of reclaiming life,
A journey of self, of battles won,
A reminder that even in darkness, the soul can sun.
So let tears flow, let hearts be moved,
In the tapestry of emotions, he's proved,
That from the depths of the darkest night,
A 27-year-old soul finds strength to take flight.
#self search and healing journey#human emotions#heartbreak#sadness#loneliness#depression#depressive thoughts#standing alone in the crowd#rudranurag
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tw: mention of suicide
It's weird having suicidal thoughts.
You think. Should I call the helpline? But it's not like your actually going to kill yourself, you have to make a conscious choice to do it.
You lie in bed, you dread the consequences if you fail. A damaged kidney from overdose, becoming disabled after snapping your spine, or just two long shallow scars on your arm because you couldn't cut fucking deep enough.
what if I just killed myself now?
Nothing matters, what's the point of this, why the fuck are are thoughts so FUCKING CLICHE!
I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE OTHER GUYS.
is it weird that I want to be put in a psych ward. No office, people just like me around me, you get to go on little outings with your ward.
But it's probably not as amazing as I imagined it.
It never is.
Man I'm pathetic aren't I?
I just want to keep writing so I don't have to go back to the real world but I'll end this rant here I guess.
#suicidal#suicide prevention#chaotic thoughts#self harm#dsbm#mental illness#mental breakdown#mentally fucked#actually mentally ill#mental disorder#mental health#self healing#healing#healingjourney#cigarette after sex#suicide notes#tw death#i refuse death
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Dream job? Nah, I just wanna stare at flowers, and the moon, and the sky forever and always.
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Golden hour, the sun begins to fade
Casting a warm glow upon the day
Colors ignite, in shades of gold and amber
A moment that feels so pure, like an everlasting ember
Bathing the world in a radiant light
Everything, every soul, feels just right
A golden hour, a magical time of day
Where dreams come alive, where troubles slip away
The skyis painted with hues of pink and orange
As the sun bids farewell, its journey done
The world takes a breath, a moment to pause
In the golden hour, time seems to cause no loss
Nature dances in the gentle breeze
Leaves whisper secrets amongst the trees
Shadows stretch, embracing the earth
A symphony of serenity, a moment of rebirth
In this golden hour, hearts come alive
Love and joy, they effortlessly thrive
The world is ablaze with a celestial glow
A treasure to cherish, a sight to behold
So let us embrace this magical time
Let our spirits soar, let our souls chime
In the golden hour, let us find our peace
A moment of solace, a blessed release
As the day fades into a painted sky
In the golden hour, we can't help but sigh
For in this fleeting moment, we truly see
The beauty and grace that life can be
...
- Golden hour // "a made up poem"
#golden hour is so captivating#shine#golden hour#golden hour jvke#rudranurag#dark academia#chaotic academia#dark academic aesthetic#academia aesthetic#art academia
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It’s weird how pop culture psychology always links hallucinations to schizophrenia when hallucinations are actually something that occurs with a bunch of different mental and even some physical illnesses and even a lot of schizophrenic people don’t experience the stereotypical “hearing voices” type of audio hallucination that’s a go to for lazy depictions of mental illness.
#schizophrenic#schizophrenia#schizo spectrum#schizophrenic disorder#mental health#mental disorder#mental illness#rudranurag
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#rudranurag#line art#depressive episode#3 am thoughts#dark academia#chaotic academia#dark academic aesthetic#desi academia#desiblr#desi tumblr#illustrators on tumblr#artists on tumblr#art#art world#sketchbook#dear my blank#visual diary
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It has been years since I've lost my ways in labyrinth of my head. Even when I try my best to find the exit in the maze, somehow I end up Where I was lost in the first place. Somedays its very ominous here, it makes me blind, pale and hollow. Other days, it pours sadness and numbness flooding the place I'm lost in. The sinister voices I hear here are everything that echoes skin to bones. And somedays I summon my courage to search the exit, I find places with blanch photographs, shattered memories of good times (I don't remember if there ever was), and abandoned abyss. I go through them one by one, projecting my life on an antiquated wall, but it's all obscure. And hours later, I keep on searching. Going in circles, exhausted and drenched in sweats of fear and hate. It's now too late, my limbs have long gone cold and paralyzed. I fall to the gound unconscious. Afterwards as always I find myself in the place I talked about. Without even realising. I'm meshed in this infinite loop of repeating same things everyday. But who cares anyway, it's all in my head.
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Poetry cannot sew itself into the lining of your heart. Some days the words will flow like conversation; some days you will not be able to move your pen past the date on top of the page.
Poetry cannot help you when the world feels like jagged baby teeth numbing your shoulders. It cannot pry them off of you and convince you that you are not doing as bad as you think you are.
Poetry is not a replacement for friends. It cannot comfort you; it can only lay your thoughts out in front of you and show you the horrible things your mind can do.
Poetry cannot ask you how you are when you are curled up in an empty bed. It cannot touch you like waking up at 4 a.m. with arms like vines wrapped around your waist.
Poetry is not a consoler; it's not a life coach. It can show you choices, but it cannot help you choose.
#poetry#visualart#visual diary#visual poetry#dark academia#chaotic academia#dark academic aesthetic#emily dickinson#light academia#romantic academia#charles bukowski#emily bronte#hozier#rudranurag#charles dickens#taylor swift#kaleo#sufjan stevens#shakespeare#english literature#literature#literary#healingjourney#mental health#journal#positive mental attitude#dead academia#dead poets society#w b yeats#virginia woolf
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Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.....
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Aren't we all paralyzed by all the freedom to choose?
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Dissociation is our primary issue. What is having a dissociative disorder and all! This is what I've found works for us.
Foggy "not in the body": This is probably the easiest to address. Basically you do things with the body to get back into it, like moving the body and using the senses. I found the best tools are smell, touch, and taste; and balance (proprioception) or stretching motions because these are all extremely body oriented without being overwhelming. The main trick is don't think about these things. If you can't be mindful, just let it wander and occasional pull it back to notice the sensations you are using. (Note: vision is usually the worst sense to use because the eyes are hardwired to the brain and it's not a somatic sense technically speaking.
The other issues is that dissociation is like a flash flood. It happens very fast and drowns out everything but it's very slow to recede. So don't blame yourself if takes 20 mins or even more than an hour to fully come back into the present.
Dissociation due to thinking: This one is harder because it's the protective aspect of dissociation. The body and the mind do not yet have enough proof that you (the self driving the body) have sufficient skills at the handling affect and somatic experience. So when we start poking around in the mind and memory, dissociation goes "Um, no, you aren't ready to see that yet" and makes you foggy. Being able to step away from rumination and back into being ok in the body is the proof it is looking for. It because the material is in layers, we have to "re-prove" we can handle the emotional and somatic stimulation for every later down.
Asking "why?" is actually one of the common triggers of protective dissociation. Understanding why comes as a result of processing traumatic memory. It's not a step into the process and asking why often triggers feelings of powerlessness, confusion, or isolation that are then shut down by the dissociation. Instead the advice is to ask more concrete questions: How is this helping me (now or back then)? What did I see/think/feel just before this happens? What was going on around me when this feeling started? Who was there/was I thinking about? etc. These are facts and environmental data which the brain can access and so aren't as overwhelming.
If those questions are too intense, then there is still not enough affect and distress tolerance for the system to believe it's safe to share that info. So then we sort of set the question aside and refocus on learning distress and affect tolerance. A lot of people worry that "oh if I do that I will never get past this" but that's not true. The brains WANTS to heal. It won't let you just never pick this up again. ANything you set down for later will come back when it's the right time. Which will also feel like it's before we are "ready". This stuff doesn't waiting until you feel comfortable and chills about the material, it comes out when it will makes you feel bad, just not overwhelmingly bad. And the paradox of trauma survivors is we can feel a lot more than we think we can. The absolute most annoying part of recover in my experience is having to learn to be ok in that middle space of not-yet-knowing but still feeling.
The actual answer to your "why do I do this?" is quite simple. Because we (the mind and body) are attempting to avoid feeling or experiencing something distressing. Distraction with social media tends to have two possible purposes: distraction from feelings of loss/grief/depression/isolation or triggering anger to avoid feelings of loss/isolation/powerlessness/lack of control. At least that's what the research is finding.
#dissociation#dissociative identities#dissociative alters#complex dissociative disorder#actually dissociative#cognitive dissonance#dissonant melody#other specified dissociative disorder#mental disorder#mental health#mentalwellness#mental problems#mentally drained#positive mental attitude#mental illness#mental breakdown#note to self#self improvement#self healing#self comfort#self compassion#self care#rudranurag#dark academia#chaotic academia#dark academic aesthetic#light academia#romantic academia#charles bukowski#academia aesthetic
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What you do, and how you think in the first hour of the morning sets the tone for your whole day. Fill your mind with positive thoughts that will benefit you, get out of bed and move around in a way that sparks productivity and mindful habits. Set an intention when you wake up, and live it fully throughout the day.
#affirmyourlife#morning affirmations#affirmations#affirmative action#affirmyourself#affirm and persist#affirmdaily#self worth#note to self#self care#self improvement#self growth#positive mental attitude
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