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peachesofteal · 9 months

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PEACH i’m humblingly asking for more omegaverse dead disco, maybe hearing some more thoughts from ghost and johnny about darling’s heat? perhaps they managed to get you to rest (as they’re both still incredibly sensitive) and as they’re talking about what to do, they witness even more self soothing behaviors from darling in your sleep, like they aren’t even there.

i usually don’t particularly read omegaverse, but the way you wrote it??? AGHHHHH I LOVE IT

So, I don’t usually dabble in omegaverse either, this is the first time I’ve actually started to put words down for it (except for a little fic I’ve been plucking away at) so it’s a little intimidating but also fun! I find it very self indulgent but hey, that’s why I’m here. 🩵

I live for your ideas they’re always sooooo good. Takes place after this.

Johnny closes the door behind him, ensuring it clicks shut, but keeping it quiet enough that it won’t wake you.

They don’t need it to open to listen for you, your scent alone will tell them everything they need to know.

“She’s asleep. Finally.” His head droops forward, into Simon’s chest as the bigger Alpha rubs his back gently. They managed to lull you into a heat hazed sleep, both of them emitting enough pheromones to break through your hormone addled state, reassuring you it was safe enough for you to lay in the bed.

“No- no.” Simon strips his hoodie off and places it on the bed, followed by his t shirt and then Johnny’s as they coax you towards the mattress.

“Yes, darling. It’s okay. This is our bed, it’s your bed.” He holds out your own long sleeve t shirt, trying to jog your awareness with your own scent. Your temperature has gone down since they got home, regulated by their ability to relax you, scent you, but it’s evident you haven’t slept in days. You don’t have the strength to manage a cycle right now, and their priority is your health.

The rest has to wait.

“It’s- it’s not safe.” Your eyes dart around and Simon tightens his grip on the back of your neck, just enough to help settle you into to an calmer state, while Johnny eases you onto your side slowly.

“You’re safe. We’re right here. You’re in your nest, at home.” Fat tears pool at your eyelids and then roll down your cheeks while you grab for them, trying to press yourself as close as possible.

“A-alpha.” You whimper and Johnny’s heart chips. How long had you been here, crying for them? Alone?

“Shhh.” He hums, and you wrap your arms around his neck. Simon keeps his chest to your back, steady and soothing subharmonics rattling through the three of you. “Close your eyes, darling. Rest.”

It wasn’t uncommon for Omegas to experience feelings of distress and anxiety during a heat or before, and considering the depth of your emotions on a regular day, it didn’t surprise Johnny or Simon that these heat standard emotions were affecting you so strongly.

But for you to be trying to self soothe, scent yourself, was enough to make them both very, very concerned.

It makes them wonder if there are other things about you, that maybe they don’t know.

“She won’t be down for long.” Simon murmurs into Johnny’s overgrown mohawk, and he nods. When you wake, he knows it will be to unbearable agony, and he dreads those moments when you’ll be upset and in pain.

“Need to go to the grocery store.” He grunts, and pulls away to peer into the fridge, worrying his lip between his teeth as he stares at it’s sparse contents. You haven’t been eating. Anxiety roils his stomach, and Simon rumbles a bit to calm him. You’ll need food, and lots of it, fresh fruit and vegetables, protein. Enough to water and juice to sink a ship, too. It’s been a long time since either of them have experienced an Omega’s heat, and it being yours, makes it all that more intense. Precarious. Precious.

They always dreamed of sharing your heat with you, used to whisper about it to one another during their ruts, dreaming about you, wishing you were with them.

But you were insistent about the suppressants. Stubborn about them. You said you needed the drugs, that you couldn’t handle your heats, that you didn’t want them. That you didn’t want to be controlled by your designation.

And they believed you. They didn’t want to push you, make it seem like they were engaging in overbearing Alpha behavior. They loved you no matter your designation. With heats, or no heats.

“Why did she lie?” Simon questions aloud, staring off at the door. His face is grim, and Johnny shakes his head.

“Dinnae ken.”

“I think… there are a lot of things, we don’t know.” He pauses, and then a look of heartbreak filters across his face. “This… this is my fault. I should have been paying closer attention. I shouldn’t have pushed away my instincts, should’ve taken control.” Johnny’s about to disagree when there’s a spike in your scent, waves of sour tinged distress and confusion pulsing from the bedroom.

You’re curled on the bed, shaking against the sheets, a pillow tucked between your knees and-

Your wrist is rubbing against the gland in your neck, again.

Trying to scent yourself, soothe yourself. Even though you’re laying in a pile of their clothes, even though Simon’s balaclava is twisted around your forearm.

Johnny feels sick.

Why don’t you recognize your own partners? Why are you emulating abused, abandoned Omega behaviors?

Why does it feel like you’re on an island somewhere, where they can’t reach you?

“Darling.” Simon coos, and then starts to break down the tense lines of your body, your muscles, encouraging you to lay flat while you whimper and squeak in your fitful sleep.

They shouldn’t have left you alone.

You curl up against the bigger Alpha, but your wrist finds the gland again, and Simon catches it in his hand, pressing a finger to your palm in circular movements.

“No, no baby.” He holds your hand steady, and you twitch against him, lashes fluttering. Johnny molds himself onto the other side, and replaces your movements with his own, pushing out as many calming pheromones as possible, letting his lips press to your hair, your ear, the soft skin of your neck.

Minutes pass, and Simon holds your wrists firm. You twist and pull against him but they hold you steady between their bodies, gentling you as much as they can until your eyes are blinking awake and you’re wincing in pain.

“I don’t feel good.” You moan, and he hums, wide palm sliding over your belly to tuck you closer.

“I know darling, I know. We’re going to make it better, I promise.”

#peaches asks #peaches writes #dead disco omegaverse au

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happybird16 · 10 months

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Tw; panic attack

I had a bit of a panic attack recently and was just inspired to write this little comforting thing?!?

It's too loud.

The room is filled with a cacophony of noise, the overlapping voices and clattering of plates creating an overwhelming sensation in your head. The tiny, unfamiliar dining room is packed with friends and familiar faces, but the tight space feels suffocating, making you increasingly claustrophobic. The walls seem to close in, and panic grips your heart, causing it to beat rapidly, as if trying to break free from your chest. Your thoughts are a jumbled mess, making it challenging to focus on anything else.

Struggling to maintain a composed facade, you force a smile despite the turmoil brewing inside. Deep down, you long to release the pent-up emotions, to find some respite from the overwhelming noise. The desire to cry, scream, or find a quiet corner to retreat into becomes almost overwhelming. But instead, you hold it all in, attempting to regulate your breathing and hoping that no one notices the struggle you’re going through.

The fear of judgment only adds to your distress, making you hyper-aware of the gazes around you. You feel as though their eyes are prying into your inner turmoil, magnifying the sense of unease and vulnerability. The imaginary sensation of their eyes digging painfully into your skin only adds to the weight on your shoulders, amplifying the anxiety and making your skin itch. Eyes locked to the half eaten meal you've become far too nauseous to even bother picking at, you take a heavy, shuttered breath.

You have to go. You have to get out of here. Now.

Your knees tremble slightly from the surge of emotions, but you gather your strength and resolve to get up from your seat. With each passing second, the noise and commotion seem to intensify, making it harder for you to maintain composure. You take a deep breath, trying to steady yourself as you carefully plan the words you’ll use to excuse yourself. Your mind races, seeking a valid reason to leave without drawing too much attention to your distress. Nausea surges forward to flood the back of your mouth with an acrid taste.

A tender touch gently disrupts your racing thoughts. Sitting next to you at the table, Levi subtly nudges his knee against yours and discreetly places his hand on your thigh, offering a reassuring squeeze. In an instant, the world seems to slow down, and a wave of relief washes over you.

As your eyes meet Levi’s soft blue gaze, a sense of calm washes over you, enveloping you like a soothing embrace. The noise and chatter in the room seem to recede into the background, and in that moment, everything becomes a little less overwhelming.

You can feel the depth of his care and understanding reflected in his eyes. It’s as if he sees right through you, recognizing the emotions swirling within, and that realization makes your heart skip a beat in your chest. With just a look, he manages to convey the reassurance you need, as if he knows exactly what you’re going through without you having to say a word. There's no judgement, just worry and concern.

Without uttering a word, Levi's fingers tighten around your thigh in a meaningful squeeze, silently asking if you're okay. With a heavy swallow, you nod and reach down to intertwine your fingers with his, finding comfort and strength in his presence.

In that moment, you realize that with Levi by your side, you don't need to escape to find solace. Amidst the noise and chaos, he’s your own personal breath of fresh air.

#tw; panic attack #levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi /reader #tay's.drabbles #aot x reader #gn!reader

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withoutyouimsaskia · 2 years

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Remember Me, Special Dreams

Part XV.

GIF: Originally posted by @imironstark

Summary: Self-insert. You're having trouble with recurring night terrors and Morpheus pays you a visit. (Title from the lyrics of Placebo’s Special Needs)

Warnings: language, angst, mentions of night terrors.

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: Hey peeps. I’ve been going through previous chapters to refer back to things and I’ve noticed a worrying trend of Tumblr taking random sentences and putting them out of order. I’ve been amending them but only managed to get half way through so far... Anyway, hope you enjoy this one, it is so very soft, much needed after the last one. Have a good evening, all my love, Saskia <3

Sandman Masterlist

---------------------

You remain there in the safe encirclement of Morpheus' arms, focusing on the pressure his hands exert on your lower back. The feeling of the hidden strength in his lean, lithe frame. His intoxicating scent, that is usually stimulating, is even more addicting now that you are pressed right against him.

It is sensory overload on another plane.

The embrace lasts for an indeterminate period. All sense of time has ceased. Everything you know is your sadness and his closeness.

You are a trembling, agonised collection of cells, with every nerve ending viciously vying for your attention.

Morpheus is the definition of serenity and you are the polar opposite of that adjective. If anything, right now, it feels like he is neutralising your despair, or at least helping you stop any more coming to surface and consuming your mind.

You understand that at some point, you will have to let go, and the notion of it pains you.

You nuzzle your face against his chest, and it is not lost on you at how needy the feline-like movement is.

Yet you don’t care. He doesn’t protest and the act is soothing.

The sensation of his coat against your cheek is softer and more luxurious than any material you have ever felt, even more so than cashmere. There's something else too; an otherworldly current running in the black fabric that hums with the cleansing resonance of a singing bowl.

You hold tighter still. Going from touching solely the collar of his coat to also a section of skin at his neck. It is cool under your clammy palms. A steady pulse ticks just under the pale surface; you dial into the rhythm and use it to calm yourself.

You count the beats. It takes 1000 of them before the tears eventually stop streaming and your breathing regulates.

Your grip loosens fraction by fraction as your drop in adrenaline turns your muscles from a twitching solid back to something more pliable.

Morpheus then withdraws, and the loss of contact is ache-inducing. You are immediately toying with the edge of your sleeve to distract from it, then upgrading to anxiously grasping your hands together when you feel the overwhelming emotions gaining traction again.

Seeking eyes rove across your reddened and blotchy visage. His voice is the whisper of mist on an autumn morning.

"Do you wish to talk about what happened?"

Your bottom lip quivers.

There are no words at first.

Then they come all at once.

A downpour. A deluge. A flood.

“I shouldn't have gone to that bar. Everything would be fine right now if I had listened to my needs. Been assertive instead of defaulting to being a pushover. I have so much evidence that proves that I’ve never been totally happy in those kinds of group settings and knew I wasn’t ready to be exposed to all those people, but I cared more about their opinions of me than I did about my own well being.”

Morpheus’ raven brows draw together and you can almost swear that you see a darkness flash in his eyes.

“Did someone hurt you?” He says lowly.

"Not physically," you clarify quickly before drawing a deep breath in through your nose. “I saw my ex.”

His jaw clenches at the mention of the person however, he remains silent.

“They’re engaged to someone else,” your voice is warped and creaky.

"I know I broke things off but I have been grieving our relationship and yet it seems like they've just moved on without a backwards glance.”

Your throat is thickening with uncomfortable heat.

“I guess I feel like they’ve replaced me so easily."

You swipe angrily at the tears on your face.

"I don't even know why I am reacting like this. I chose this path. I should just be happy for them, instead of dragging you back into my drama and wasting your time…”

You trail off, moving backwards one pace.

Guilt is starting to prickle in the back of your mind. Not too long ago, you had been reprimanding yourself for having less-than-platonic feelings for Morpheus. You had fantasised about kissing him, and had then gone through with it. Did that make you a hypocrite?

Tightness seizes your chest as the velocity of your mental spiral kicks up into 5th gear.

Morpheus steps forward to meet you.

"You do not have to explain your feelings to me, nor do you have to give them justification. Allow yourself to feel, Y/N. It will do you no good to smother your emotions.”

You want to believe him, to act on his advice but it is tough. You have no idea how to answer.

"I'm so sorry, Morpheus," you choke out.

His response is earnest and gentle, “You have nothing to apologise for.”

Self-loathing takes over from remorse.

“Yes I do. I put in so much fucking effort to steady myself, to quell my threat to The Dreaming and none of it has made any fucking difference. You must be so disappointed in me.”

You fix your attention on the pictures on the walls.

"Y/N, look at me."

You can’t do as he asks. You shake your head as your cheeks are wetted again.

He’s suddenly cradling the back of your head with his right hand. Willing you to connect your gaze with his.

The pull to look is potent. You acquiesce.

“This is a setback. Your progress has not been eliminated. You will stabilise again.”

The compassion in his ocean eyes is disarming.

"You are stronger than you realise, Y/N."

Your heart clenches. Maybe he is right. You have come remarkably far since the week of the night terrors.

You nod, moisture once more blurring your vision. You want to nestle back against him so you do it, sliding your arms around his slender waist.

You can feel his heart beating against the side of your face and you go back to counting the pulses. You wait until 500 of them sound before talking again.

"I should let you get back. I don't want to take up anymore of your time," you say the words against his chest.

"Come with me," he whispers.

You leave his arms, shaking your head, adamant that you cannot rely purely on him, and determined that you will not cause him anymore problems.

"You are hurting. I will not simply abandon you."

Guilt and discomfort twist your face into a grimace.

He looks at you with regal obstinacy. "I will not take no as an answer."

You appreciate that there is no getting out of this. And while it reads like Morpheus is clearly used to getting what he wants, you can also see that his persistence is coming from a place of care.

"Okay. But only for a little while."

"No, you will accompany me for the duration of every night until I am satisfied that your distress has been allayed."

"Absolutely not. I don't want to distract you."

"You would not be a distraction. I will complete my work as intended.”

Your brain is a flurry of activity, weighing up this suggestion. You are really tempted for you have really missed Morpheus.

"So it will be like job shadowing?"

"If it helps to think of it like that, then yes."

You nod slowly. “Where to first then?”

With a graceful movement of his hand, Morpheus indicates to the door.

There's a whoosh of cold air; you blink instinctively and when you recover, your surroundings have completely altered.

Lush green has been replaced by a much darker palette. Sand sits beneath your feet, midnight black in colour, buffeted into lazy swirls by a persistent breeze. There are mountains too, made up of a marl of greyish and brown rock. Low hanging storm clouds scud across a bleak looking sky, the sun barely peeking through the blanket.

It's rather desolate but breathtaking nonetheless. Completely different to the rest of the heart of the Dreaming that you have thus far seen.

You hear Morpheus’ footsteps retreating. Turning to follow, you are suddenly confronted by the truth of your location.

You are just outside of the perimeter you had spied from the palace ramparts. Positioned directly before the gates.

Gates that make all others pale in comparison.

You are gaping.

Sweeping, pointed arcs stretch up the walls and beside the doors. There are likenesses of animals and symbols that you recognise from your world. Beings and objects that you have no point of reference for. And faces. So many faces.

The detail. The scale. The history.

Stories were being told in these carvings.

Powerful emotions blossom in your soul. You are truly humbled.

You drag your wide-eyed gaze from the intricate monument to Morpheus.

A little smile pulls at his lips.

“The Gates of Horn and Ivory,” he states.

Wind whipping his coat, Morpheus strides towards the gate and lays his hands upon the pale stone.

An energy surge cuts through you, the remnants of it fizzling out for miles across the uninterrupted landscape.

He bows his head as if thinking and then stills completely.

You do not know what it is that he is doing but it feels strange to watch him so intently. You turn away.

There’s a profound urge to know if the sand here feels dissimilar to that of the waking world. You crouch down and dig your fingers down and across into the dark grains.

Something is different. You cannot pinpoint what. Maybe the grain size. Maybe the weight.

You go to scoop up more but Morpheus is back at your side.

You straighten quickly, brushing your gritty hand against your trousers.

“Where to next?”

----------------------

"I wish that I could fix it for you but instead I'll be right here coming through."

Taglist: @pinkcyclewitch @layla2-49 @shoidy-cat @silverhart93 @boofy1998 @dotieeee @ponyboys-sunsets @fangirlmary @littledollll @fatimakinney @jamiethenerdymonster @rosaren2498 @mr-sandman-bring-me-a-dream @madiebear @sandman-33 @sallysal9 @asiludida164

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logicalbookthief · 3 years

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Thinking about how both Touya and Shouto began to freeze other people out after a traumatic childhood incident in which they were burned. How both used it as a form of self-defense and to sever their ties to people, after the pain these connections caused, not only physically but emotionally.

As a child, we see Touya express his emotions without restraint. He’s loud. He’s boisterous. He cries openly and wears his heart on his sleeve.

It makes sense that he would be taking cues from his father, who he spent the majority of his time with when he was younger, and who is also an expressive person (although this is often to the detriment of those on the receiving end of his emotions). Not to mention it was his father’s quirk that Touya inherited. Since his emotions fuel his flames, it is likely Endvr encouraged his exuberance for the purposes of training. By Dabi’s own reckoning, his father “only ever taught [him] to turn up the heat.”

Which might be the approach you take when training a hero to control their fire, but it isn’t one you should take when raising a child. Children need to be taught to regulate their emotions and express them in a healthy manner. Something that it was clear Touya needed guidance on the moment he started to hurt himself with his quirk and for sure when he tried to attack Shouto.

No matter how loudly or plainly he expressed himself, however, Touya’s feelings were were never properly addressed by the adults in his life.

He was brushed aside, rather than taught how to deal with his feelings, or how to “cool down” when needed.

Instead of receiving the support and guidance he needed, the neglect culminates in an outburst that “kills” him and leaves the majority of his body horrifically scarred.

Compare how he acted in his childhood to when we meet Dabi in the present, where he comes across as cold and detached.

Initially, it is hard to get a read on what exactly he wants or feels since he purposefully keeps that distance. Remind you of anyone?

He went from one extreme (and one parent’s example) to another -- letting all his emotions pour out without restraint vs repressing everything to the point where he claims he can’t feel anything. Obviously, this isn’t actually the case, because the destructive strength of his flames continuously indicates the depth of his emotions. Touya never stopped feeling as deeply as he did as a child, but he began to repress them in order to prevent himself from being burned again, physically or emotionally.

The way he disassociates from himself is contradictive in itself, as it is both a method of survival and a self-suicide. He conceals his true identity from people while denying he is that person anymore. His past is his motivation for all his present actions, even as he claims to have cut ties with those from his past.

It is quite the parallel to Shouto’s own struggle between the duality of his quirk. Like with Touya, the snippets we see of Shouto as a child show that he was once more expressive, too.

Unlike his older brother, Shouto has an equal amount of fire and ice at his disposal, and where Touya overextended his flames in his desperation to be acknowledged, Shouto refused to use his flames because he associated them with his father. He lost his mother, the single person who he was ever able to form a connection to, because of his father and because his father had passed along those parts of himself to Shouto.

Rightfully, Shouto recognizes his father as the one to blame for his mother’s breakdown and the scar she gave him. However, his decision to only use his ice quirk from that point on implies that he holds the half of himself that resembles his father accountable for losing his mother, too. It is still a form of self-detriment. Why else would he suppress what is his power, no matter where it came from? This is why his growth is sparked by Deku’s reminder that it is his power, his choice to do with it what he wants. It is why Shouto’s story centers around reconciliation, both with his family and with the parts of himself he once found detestable.

Honestly, what makes the Todoroki family so compelling is if you strip away the quirks, the superheroes and the villains, you have a story that revolves around the baggage you inherit from your parents and how it affects your relationship to yourself and to other people.

Although Rei’s breakdown was 1000% spurred on by her husband’s abuse, she hurt Shouto because she looked at him during her breakdown and saw only his father, which is why she lashed out -- to her immediate regret and horror. But you can very clearly see how after this incident, her baggage gets passed on to Shouto, who consequently has a difficult time separating his own self-image from that of his father.

Lashing out at the reminder of her husband fits, too, when you remember Rei never truly wanted to marry Enji. She may not have even wanted children and it definitely seemed like she didn’t plan for any after Fuyumi. She thought it was something she could grin and bear, that her feelings were something she could repress and endure, until it escalated beyond her control.

Similarly, Enji abandoned Touya because he inherited too much of Rei, going so far as to say he was born with her “weak constitution.” He looked at Touya and saw too much of her, the ice quirk user he never truly wanted to marry -- he never even wanted to start a family. All he wanted was quirk that would enhance his own, so he could build a better version of himself. But he didn’t get it on the first try, he got it on the fourth, and subsequently had three children he was responsible for when he obviously didn’t know what to do with them. Ignoring his “failure” children, Touya in particular, checks out since it aligns with his own baggage.

Just as it checks out when Touya inherits this baggage, believing his entire existence to be a mistake if he can’t achieve the expectations Endvr wanted met in his chosen child. And when Touya continued to defy his wishes and train despite the toll it takes? How did he lash out?

With a loud, aggressive outburst that showed no restraint towards whoever it was unleashed on.

You can see both of their parents in how Shouto and Dabi interact with / react to others. They bottle everything inside until they reach a breaking point (like their mother) and once they’re over the precipice, they overflow in the form of a destructive outburst (like their father).

It isn’t a healthy manner of expressing themselves, because they need to find a balance of “hot” and “cold” -- allowing themselves to express and feel, without doing harm to themselves or others. Neither fire nor ice are inherently good or bad, it depends on how they’re used. Fire can burn and blister, but it can also warm and thaw. Ice can soothe and balm, but it can also freeze and distance.

Likewise, what they inherited from their parents has no bearing on whether they’re good or bad, hero or villain, worthy or a failure. Shouto isn’t deserving of scorn for being half of his father and Touya isn’t undeserving of love for having a fire quirk incompatible with with his mother’s constitution. It is merely a fact of their existence.

#bnha #touya todoroki #shouto todorki #dabi #rei todoroki #bnha meta #could honestly expand on this more it’s so fascinating #but I really wanted to finish this lol

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raggaraddy · 3 years

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OT7 Reaction.

Reaction: When you're with the members and you don't cum.

Trigger warning: Smut, blood-drinking, non-con, imprisonment, forced orgasm, D/s themes, yandere themes.

Alpha! Namjoon

You were completely distracted today. You'd seen one of your old friends in town and suddenly you'd become hit with a wave of guilt and regret. Remembering for the first time in months the life and people you had left behind. Not only that but feeling a sense of anxiety towards the life you now had. It wasn't always easy to accept the rules and regulations that came with being an Alphas mate, and at times like this, you felt so overwhelmed knowing you were living in a world of werewolves, and vampires, and all other kinds of monsters.

Back at home, Namjoon was being so passionate and loving with you, and despite the mess in your mind you were trying to reciprocate his affection. But as he kissed you, you weren't feeling connected to him. Even with him hard inside you, you couldn't feel the pressure between your thighs building into anything climatic.

All you could feel was his weight on top of you taking your breath away, your mind swirling over earlier concerns and now full of self-condemnation that you were not reacting well for Namjoon. Thinking that you should at least pretend to be enjoying yourself so you don't make him feel bad.

With how transparent you are to Namjoon, you aren't able to hide your preoccupied mind from him.

He pauses, lifting himself up, giving you space to breathe. "Are you okay beautiful?" He whispers.

Unreasonably, that question makes you even more emotional and you can't keep yourself from crying.

Joon immediately reacts. "What's wrong baby?" He coos, pulling out of you a little panicked. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" he looks down your body for signs of bruises or marks. Sometimes he can get too caught up in the moment and forgets his own supernatural strength.

Shaking your head, you cry a bit louder. There isn't any way you can think to detail how you're feeling or why you're crying. It seems hopeless to try to explain now. So you only shrug, rubbing your palm against your eyes to wipe away tears.

Starting to understand a little, and seeing as you're not hurt Namjoon's worry eases slightly. "Okay." he soothes, getting off from you. He moves to the side of the bed, covering himself and you with the blanket. Leaning against the headboard he wraps his arms around you cradling you into his chest, his hand lightly stroking your side as you curl into him.

You're never sure how to force these emotions away, but the feeling of protection and warmth Namjoon is giving you is already enough to make you feel a little better.

Gently he kisses the top of your head, speaking softly into your hair. "I'm here beautiful whenever you're ready."

King! Seokjin

Over the past few months, things had seemed to be getting better from how extreme and scary they had been in the past. Jin had been more patient, careful, and considerate with you. Treating you more like a person rather than a doll. And while it might have been hard to accept at first, you also found that there seemed to be a sense of depth growing in your relationship. Something reminiscent of care and compassion.

This week, however, Jin was all over the place. Yo-yoing between his new gentleness and his old sadism. He'd been calling you to him and was leaving your body in a sorry state. Covering you in bruises and marks from where he took out his stresses and boredom on you.

The sudden reversion had you, once again, an anxious, nervous wreck. So much so that in a calm moment of intimacy with him, you were too uneasy to relax or enjoy yourself.

Riding him your body was completely stiff, your legs trembling as you are so entirely focused on only him and making him happy.

In spite of your panic, your efforts see results, making you nearly sigh in elation when you make him cum. The moment he is finished he shoves you off and you shuffle further to the side of the bed to avoid being caught in his way.

"What's the matter, princess?" He stands up, redressing himself. "I am not good enough for you?" He questions.

Your eyes go wide, your jaw tightening as you swallow hard. You had hoped he wouldn't notice or care that you didn't cum. But he is looking down at you displeased, with an expecting look.

"N-no. Of course not Your Majesty. You were amazing." You stutter.

Instinctually, you turn to keep your eyes on him as he walks the edge of the bed coming around to where you are.

"If I am not enough for you maybe I should call someone else in to finish you off." He offers the menacing suggestion, his hand grabbing your ankle and yanking you over the side of the mattress. "In fact, I could call a few people here if you're being difficult."

You shake your head, looking up at him silently pleading for mercy. The threat of being passed around by other men is something you wouldn't put past him. And the thought terrifies you. "No, my Lord I only want you." You try to hide the panic in your tone. "I'm sorry I will do better."

He leans over you. His hand coming behind your head, he holds your gaze. A look of offence in his expression. "See that you do." Shoving you away, he pushes you off the bed. "Get out."

You grab your clothes from the floor and run to the door not pausing to get dressed. Biting back the sting of approaching tears, you can only hope and pray that the kinder version of the King comes back soon.

Assassin! Yoongi

You'd been locked in your studio for nearly three weeks. Yoongi had left one day without a word of warning. You had just woken up to find the door to your room was sealed. Obviously, you had everything you needed to survive; a bathroom, kitchenette, food and water, but that didn't mean that just surviving in isolation for 20 days wasn't excruciating.

While fantasizing about his return, you had promised yourself that, despite the consequences, this time you were going to tell him off. You were not going to let him get away with locking you up without notice or reason.

But unfortunately, as soon as you heard that bolt open you were so relieved and so desperate for human contact that you completely disregarded all of your convictions.

Once again, you were furious with Yoongi but jumped right back into the compliant, accommodating role you always seemed to play. Spending the evening walking on eggshells, trying to welcome him back, to make him happy and relaxed so that you weren't thrown back into confinement.

Thankfully, on this day he seemed to be in a good mood. Smiling, talking, and carefree with you. And while he didn't give you any specific information about the job, he was even telling you about where he'd been and the sights he had seen. Although, it hurt your heart to hear that while you had been crying yourself to sleep in the confines of your 25 square meter studio, he had been enjoying himself galavanting around Milan.

Out of desperation to feel better and to have any form of human comfort, you seek out warmth and intimacy from Yoongi and to your relief he is responsive.

Slowly and tenderly you begin to find pleasure in one another. Spending time kissing and petting on the sofa between your ongoing conversation. Hours pass before you even make your way to his bedroom, by which time you are extremely needy and eager for release.

Lost in the enjoyment of having him so close and inside you, you don't feel the time pass and you don't notice as Yoongi works himself to a point of ecstasy. It's only as his strokes falter, his groans of pleasure brushing your neck, that you realize he has cum. Not giving you a moment to catch up, he pulls out letting you fall onto your stomach.

As quickly as you roll onto your back, he is already heading to the bathroom.

"Wait," you call after him, the ache in your core going unabated. "I didn't get to-um," you stammer, feeling embarrassed to ask for what you want. "I didn't cum." you blush.

Turning back, he stares at you smugly, his tongue licking his lips. "So. What do you want me to do about it?" he shrugs leaving the room. Leaving you aching and moping with your disappointment.

Vampire! Hoseok

After months of being nothing more than Hoseoks chew toy, you'd finally found a small sliver of hope you could cling to. He might be a monster, but he was one you were learning to tame, little by little.

At first, you'd hoped that if you took the fight out of your interactions it would make him bored and move on. But what was happening was surprisingly more than that. Slowly, by actively engaging him, you were turning him from being solely possessive and harmful, into someone who could have the ability to be affectionate. Even if his affection still wasn't gentle.

Hoseok knew what you were doing and he was loving it. For the first time in nearly a century he was realizing he wanted not just a plaything, but someone who could dote on him and give him an almost human experience.

By now, with both of you playing along, you knew his moods and how to anticipate when it was going to get worse. And more than that you were learning how to defuse him.

You weren't sure what had been happening all day but the house was full of his men, human and vampire alike, most speaking in foreign languages you had no grasp of. While you didn't know the context or cause, you knew that Hoseok was frustrated. A dangerous thing, that would certainly put you at risk later.

As the conversations in the kitchen were becoming mostly shouting, you march in among the group pushing your way to Hoseok. Wearing the oversized t-shirt dress he likes, your hair up and off your neck like he likes, ready to intervene. He receives you right away, his arms drawing you into his chest.

You've learnt not to wait for approval or permission. Kissing him in front of everyone, reaching up on your tip-toes and holding onto his jacket for stability to pull him into you.

"Out. Now." He turns his head away, ordering the people around you intensely. The crowd quickly follow the command and disband. You don't let the distraction slow you, kissing down his jaw and neck.

You aren't yet fully alone before Hoseok has you on the kitchen counter, pushing himself into you. His hands clinging harshly to your sides keep you in rhythm with him. You're arms around his neck, you're panting and groaning, rocking into his hard strokes as they hit you deep and rough.

Feeling him getting close, you arch your neck to the side, pushing aside the stray hairs.

"Bite me," you whisper through heavy breath. He doesn't have to be asked twice. Tugging you closer, he sinks his fangs into your neck.

Despite it being your request and you expecting it, you are still unable to stop yourself from squealing and flinching from the pain the puncture causes on already tender skin.

He removes his bite quickly. For a moment leaning back with red-tinted lips, watching his work, watching with a smile as the blood bubbles out of you. Rapidly your neck and chest become wet and sticky as it flows down your skin, staining your navy dress.

Licking his lips, Hoseok dives back into your wounds sucking and lapping at your neck, drawing blood, making your head become lighter with every passing second.

Even while feeling feint you still have the sense to keep your attention focused on Hoseok. Your body is losing all of its sensations. Any awareness of pain or pleasure swiftly slipping from you. But you know how much he likes to feel you cum around him. And all of this will be for naught if he doesn't get what he wants. So you'll just have to put on a little show.

Clinging your hands into his hair, you hold yourself to him not strong enough to do anything but let him take control. Steadily you build up a chorus of played-up moans and whimpers. Twitching and clenching around his cock the way he likes. Calling his name the way he likes. Panting and huffing in his ear right until he is ready to fill you. Just as his thrusts become sloppy and uncontrolled, you yelp, throwing your head back, yanking at his hair and squeezing around his cock. Letting him see and feel all the signs of a mind-blowing orgasm.

Seconds later he stops draining you, smacking his lips to yours. Groaning into your mouth, he coats your tongue in your own blood, fucking you forcefully as he cums.

The blood loss finally catching up to you, your grip weakens and your head drops back. Only Hoseok's hands keep you upright as he kisses bloody marks all over your mouth, jaw and neck.

As he always does, he bites his lip, kissing his blood into your mouth to heal your wounds. Not finished tasting you, he runs his tongue down your body, drinking up every last drop he let spill.

Too dizzy to get yourself there, Hoseok carries you to your bedroom, a wide smirk fixed on his face.

"You're delicious, baby."

Playboy! Jimin

From the time he came home, Jimin had been needy. You couldn't really understand why he would even want to be with you after the horrible fight you had had the night before. He'd screamed such awful things at you, and you still had a split lip from his outburst. Right now you weren't even enjoying being near him, let alone wanting to be intimate with him.

Curled up on the couch, you kept pushing against his chest trying to angle your face down to stop him from kissing you. Throwing out every non-verbal clue you could to tell him that you wanted him to stop.

Recently you'd stopped actually telling him when you didn't want to have sex. No matter what you said he would always ignore you. A few times this lead to him being very rough and forceful with you, and a couple of other times he had completely pinned you down and made you have sex anyway. So now you were doing your best to convince yourself that if you never actually say the word no- if you don't tell him you don't want to, that it wasn't as bad when he still makes you do it.

After so much grabbing at you and whining for you to kiss him back, you eventually find it easier to just give in, no longer resisting him as he strips your clothes.

Passively you let him use you, hating the way you feel dirty and taken advantage of, but also feeling guilty. The downside of your new method is that because you didn't tell him you didn't want to have sex, it feels unfair to him to not enjoy it or to feel abused.

It isn't until he is finished, his desire having been sated, that he actually notices how withdrawn and silent you've become. How you've recoiled from him. How empty you look.

"What's wrong?" he asks, sounding slightly accusatory but mostly concerned. "Didn't you enjoy it?"

You can only find the strength to shrug, scared anything else might erase the shield of numbness you're trying to hide behind.

"You okay?" he examines softly. His eyes filling with unease and shame. You nod, forcing a small smile, not able to make eye contact with him.

"I'm gonna have a shower." you mutter, getting up from the couch. You don't look back. You don't want to see the regret lingering on Jimin's face. You know it will disappear the very next time he wants something from you again.

Dom! Taehyung

Taehyung was making you feel great. It had been a while since you'd had sex in a way that could be considered vanilla and while it wasn't your preferred style, you were still enjoying the pleasures of being with him. Unfortunately, the slow, passionate way you two were making love just wasn't enough stimulation alone to get you to cum. So while he came inside you, you were just revelling in the closeness and intimacy of the moment.

Taehyung however, knew something was missing. He missed your pretty cries and the way you bit your lip, your hand, his shoulder, really anything you could, to stop from screaming.

"If it wasn't enough for you, you should have told me," he says resting back with his hands behind his head.

"No, I had a lot of fun." you smile, feeling content and relaxed.

"I don't fuck you for fun. I fuck you to hear you cum." He teases, grinning widely.

"Fine." You close your eyes, sinking into the bed. "Let's go again and I'll fake it." you chuckle, "It's not like you can even tell the difference." you joke.

"Oh, I can't?" He sits up, his expression having gone blank.

"Um," you click your tongue stuck on what to say. Realizing what you said wasn't what you meant and had come off less like playful, and more as a challenge, or confession.

But it's too late. What you said is out there now, and Taehyung isn't going to let it go lightly.

45 minutes later and you're still on the bed. Only now with your hands and legs tied to the frame, tears rolling down your cheeks, and Taehyungs fingers and the Hitachi wand forcing into your 7th orgasm, unable to even form an apology anymore.

No matter how you pull at the ropes there is no give. You try to buck your hips away but Taehyungs weight pressing into you stops you from doing so. The sensitivity caused by the toy turning painful as it continues to vibrate against your clit well past the afterglow fading.

"Hmm. I'm not sure if that was real either." He muses, with mocking and an obvious fake thought in his tone. "You're just going to have to keep cuming until I can tell the difference, little girl."

Mafia! Jungkook

If anyone had been looking in, seeing you sitting in the living room with Jungkook, they might have never suspected anything was wrong in your relationship. They certainly wouldn't ever think that you were a prisoner in this house. Not with how calm and cosy the two of you seemed to be.

At times like this, it was easy for even you to forget that you hadn't been outside freely in nearly 22 weeks.

Wrapped warmly in his arms, laying along the sofa, you look up admiringly, watching the side of Jungkooks face as he watches the television. Feeling your attention, he glances down at you with a small smile.

"What?" he raises his eyebrow.

"Nothing," you blush, smiling flirtatiously. "You're just pretty." Your hands roam his chest, trailing down his torso bumping against his abs. Licking your lips, your touch continues lower rubbing his crotch, grabbing him through his pants.

The sudden action makes him gasp and jolt. His cheeks getting a red hue to them. Loving the way he reacts you keep grinding your palm up and down his lap. Feeling him growing and hardening as he tries to keep a straight face.

Just as he starts to groan, his erection becoming strained against his sweatpants, you slip from the couch onto the floor. Shuffling around his legs you get to your knees between his thighs and tug down his pants.

Slowly and seductively you take him into your mouth, enjoying the moans and praises Jungkook lets fall from his unfiltered mind. Working him with your mouth and hand you quickly bring him to his end. Ardently he starts to thrust up, unable to resist fucking you deeper as he cums down your throat.

Smiling brightly and revelling in the euphoria he drops back. Wiping your mouth, you climb back onto the couch chuckling to yourself, pleased with how cute and satisfied he looks.

Curling back into his chest, you get yourself into the same relaxed position, laying with him as he gradually regains his wits.

"Come here Kitten, it's your turn." He gently tugs on your arm, running his tongue against his cheek.

"No, it's alright." You smile back, "You don't have to. I just wanted to-"

Using his body, he pushes you, making you fall onto your back. Stopping you mid-sentence he kisses you passionately as his hands pull down your shorts, throwing them to the side. Shuffling down your body he positions himself between your legs, pulling one of your thighs over his shoulders to spread them.

"You made me feel good, so I wanna make you feel good too." he winks.

#bts #yandere bts #yandere #bts fanfic #bangtan #yandere bangtan #bts smut #yandere taehyung #yandere jungkook #dom!taehyung #yandere jhope #yandere suga #yandere jimin #yandere namjoon #yandere jin #bts reactions #bangtan smut reactions

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ein-liebloser-wanderer · 2 years

Text

⸸ Serpent Scales and Snake Tales Part Two ⸸

Part One

Pairing: Female!Naga x Human!Yandere!Boy

Typical yandere behavior: imprisoning one's beloved

Description: If the last post was about the naga being the yandere, then this time, it is you that is the naga, and the yandere is a human male obsessed with you.

~ Enjoy and make yourself comfortable ~

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The Serpentine were, in hindsight, one of the most unfortunate predators to exist in the ways of love.

In the lottery called evolution, you certainly lost when your ancestors decided that long tails and a body with a negligible ability to regulate its own temperature was a good idea. Being reptilian meant that your emotions were significantly more difficult to read. That was, if your kind could even feel anything other than aggression, fear, or contentment (it is a mystery that has both baffled and intrigued other hybrids and humans). Add to that, your long slithering bodies could make many instinctively run away in fear or disgust.

Simply put, it was just in your nature to be so easily loathed.

But clearly, not all humans feared your kind, as some of them even willingly chose to be the pets, companions, or even lovers of some of the serpents you happened to know.

And you think you are beginning to gain your very own.

⸸ A Fascination ⸸

The human found the Serpents...fascinating. They must, given how relaxed they were around you. Even as you hissed and tried to intimidate them with your fangs, he simply stood there, unwavering in his stare.

You were cornered.

This place was unfamiliar to you, having only come here to find shelter from the rain at night. But now, the owner of the basement found you, and he didn't seem happy to see you in his home.

Intimidated, you tried to strike at him with your claws, only to have your wrists caught swiftly in his grasp, with his other hand holding you back by the neck.

Like this, you were utterly defenseless.

"I know you are scared," he said, tone cold and collected. "But I'm not here to hurt you."

You didn't believe him. Too bad you couldn't do anything about it, even as he pierced a syringe to the exposed skin of your neck where your scales didn't cover.

Everything faded into black long after all the strength left your body.

⸸ Finder's Keeper ⸸

By the time you awoke, you had noticed how dark the room became. At first, you thought it was because it was night time, but you slowly realized that it was because the window had vanished entirely. Where it was before, you now saw nothing but bricks.

If you were capable of feeling remorse, you would go so far as to say that you regret entering this abode. But alas, you can't, so you simply felt anger at your own past self's stupidity for not noticing such an obvious trap. No one conveniently left their window to an obviously cozy space open.

It was rather spacious, largely because it had an underground pool. Various green ferns and other evergreen flora you didn't recognize decorated the room. Naturally, you were curious, and to your amazement, the water just had the right warmth to soothe your scales. In the countless homes you had intruded and temporarily stayed in, you haven't seen anyone with a home like this. It was just too tempting. You were too indulgent to realize that the trap was made perfectly just for you.

You didn't see him for another few days. Possibly for more than a week. By the time he visited, you were famished, and he couldn't help but smile at the way you hungrily looked at him.

"I'm not on the menu tonight, darling. But I did prepare something else for you."

Warily, you flicked your tongue at it, smelling if the cadavers were even edible. They weren't hot as a fresh kill, but...it was good enough. Who were you to complain right now, anyway?

As you ate your meal, you shot a glare at him, questioning the 'renovations' he decided to make while you were knocked out.

"Window? What window?" he asked, tilting his head curiously at you. "There are no windows here."

⸸ Growing Tolerance ⸸

After that, you stopped seeing him for another few days. Not that you cared. If anything, you were relieved as you needed that time alone to think some things out. If it was possible for your kind, you would think you have begun to go insane, but it wasn't. So the only plausible explanation was that the human really did purposefully lock you in here.

But why?

It was certainly confusing, seeing how most humans hired hunters or exterminators just to have their property be rid of you. This was the first time you stayed this long in someone else's home, with the owner knowing you were there.

When he next visited, it didn't feel that long (you based the passage of time on your hunger). You let your serpentine body float along the water as you stared at the ceiling. You just realized now that there was a ceiling mural above you, about a paradise with various creatures living peacefully alongside one another. But you--or rather, another Serpentine like you--were sitting alone by a large tree, holding out a succulent fruit to a human man.

What a funny painting, you thought.

You heard the basement door open, his footsteps growing nearer. You didn't even bother to look at him.

You asked him why have all of this if he won't use or even look at them. Staying here, you might as well be in paradise.

"I never meant any of these to be mine," he replied simply.

Who were they for, then?

"Someone who I had been waiting for."

⸸ Happiness in Solitude ⸸

Ever since you left your mother's brood for independence, you had been alone. That was just your natural state. The Serpentine were never one to trust so easily, nor share. You simply preferred your own company over those who clung on to you.

But this human was bizarre. He wanted something you, that much was clear, but for the love of you, you just couldn't figure out what.

If it was company he needed, there were so many humans who could provide that. Even the lizard folk, with their legs and tail, could provide a much better entertainment than a snake who spent most of her time lazily swimming about or admiring and inspecting the various flora the male would bring downstairs before subsequently replacing them the next day with a new one.

But it seemed like that was exactly what he wanted. Someone he could just be near to and simply watch, not caring if they had nothing to say or do. Your kind didn't talk, even at times when it most mattered. You only do so when you were in the mood for it, and he knew that.

Which was why when you spoke to him for the first time, not because you were trying to see if he had any malevolent intentions or motives, but because you were simply interested...it was enough to make the man's normally cold face warm up.

You were both alike, in a way. You would never understand why he sought out your company, but it seemed like you were beginning to reciprocate as well. Well, one could only swim or look at plants for so long until you eventually become bored of both.

No, you wanted something else to entice you, and if you weren't going to eat this man, you might as well savor what he had in his mundane mind.

He didn't mind answering your questions regarding him, but he seemed more keen on learning about you. Your interests, who you were before he met you, and what your likes and dislikes were. Every time you two spoke, the conversation somehow always wound up being about you. Always about you.

What he liked best was the moments when neither of you spoke. When you were content with just letting him watch you as you went about your day, soothing yourself. Because ultimately, all he really needed was to have you with him.

He could do this uninterrupted for many days, but alas. There were things he must do to clean and maintain this sanctuary he had built just for you, and you needed your own time alone. It helped that you were...willing to stay here. Your pragmatism said that this was better than anything the wilderness had to offer.

And he was happy, that you were smart enough to realize that. It saved him the effort of having to make another...'renovation' just to ensure you don't hurt yourself.

#yandere #yandere boy #yandere male #yandere scenario #yandere imagines #yandere writing #yandere oc #yandere x darling #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere x y/n #love-eldritch

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oddduckthatgirl · 4 years

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Sometimes you have to stop. Even August knows that. (I was terrified to write this so if you take the time to read it, thank you!)

Tagging @littlefreya who gave me a little nudge in the write direction. (see what I did there)

Warnings: safe wording, after care, mentions of abuse, mentions of emotional abuse, hints of pain play, anxiety, trauma, dom/sub dynamics, Cg(DD)/Lg (if you squint) If you aren’t comfortable with any of this shit please see yourself away from this fic!

“Aardvark.”

Your voice is muffled by a gag but you know what you said.

His eyes meet yours as he quickly removes the offending object. He cups your face in his hands and studies you with an intense gaze.

You try to pull away; you can’t stop crying. “Aardvark,” a ragged sound leaves your throat.

Before you can even register the movement, he has your body in his grip. He reaches up and quickly releases the knots that were holding your arms above your head.

You try to get away from him. The sharp stabs in your hands only serve to make the tears fall even faster. You have no strength to push back.

He gathers you in his arms, “Easy, baby girl. It’s alright. You’re okay. It’s safe. No more,” his voice soft but firm. You know you’re moving and can feel his body lower.

It’s like a dream and none of this feels real. “Stop Mike, please…,”wheezing out of you as the sobs take over you once again.

He pulls a blanket over you and holds you firmly against his chest, “ssshh, calm down my sweet girl. It’s me, It’s August. Come back to me.” His hand starts to rub small circles over your back. He can feel the heat coming from the raised skin just under his fingers, “You’re shaking so hard. I know you’re scared but I swear you’re safe now. It’s just you and me.”

Your chest continues heaving as you gasp for air. Everything is too much and not enough. You’re hot and cold all over. Your skin is touching his skin but you feel disconnected.

August knows this all too well. He’s discovered telling you exactly what’s happening makes things easier, “Y/n listen to me. I’m going to help you. We’re just going to breathe together okay? Just nod if you understand.”

You give the smallest nod against the wet spot now on his chest.

“Very good. Just do what I do Princess. You’ll be fine.” August has trained his body to follow his own desire. Even though he’s worried, he can regulate himself and take deep, calming breaths. He keeps a hand on your back and pays attention to the feel of your breath against his skin. Every time your body begins to relax, your mind clearly sends the alert back for pain.

He silently curses himself for not looking you over better.

Your eyes keep looking around for the danger but August won’t let you budge, “Where does it hurt? Can Daddy see?”

You stretch your quivering hands toward his. You can’t even form the words to say what’s wrong. You try to tell him that it feels like pins and needles in your hands but it comes out as noise. It’s frustrating.

He takes one of your arms in his large hands and holds it as if it was made of glass. He looks you over and sees the indentations from the ropes. He sees the raw skin on your wrists.He notices your hands are cool to the touch all the way to the fingertips.

He begins to softly work his thumbs into your hands,” I need to push into your skin to help get the circulation back. It will only hurt a little but I promise to be as easy as I can, okay?”

You nod your head and wince at the first bit of pressure. It makes you cry out and your head falls against his shoulder.

“I know baby. It’s okay,” he kisses your palms, “I know it hurts. Just let it out.”

He continues to work on your hands. Normally he would be completely breathless seeing the rope marks on your skin. This isn’t what he had in mind. You fought so hard you actually have broken the skin around your wrists.

The mention of your ex didn’t escape his attention either. Right in this moment, you aren’t in any condition to speak about that but August knows he inadvertently triggered a reaction in you. You may not have even been aware of it at all. Deep down, it makes his chest ache to know he caused you this emotional pain. He will fix this.

Your shallow breaths and cold skin start to worry him. Your hands don’t feel as cold as they were but there is a thin layer of sweat over your skin that isn’t going away. He pulls you tighter into him and reaches for the water he thoughtfully set out beforehand.

“Lover,” he coos while he takes the cap off the bottle, “I need you to drink this water for me.”

“Can’t,” you shake your head weakly.

“Yes you can,” he adjusts the way you are sitting so he can support your body with his leg and your neck with his hand, “just a little bit sweetie. Can you try? For me?”

He cradles your neck in his large hand as he offers the water to you. You swallow down the small amount he offers to you.

“That’s my good girl,” he scratches along your neck with his index finger, “can you try some more?”

“Mmmhmm,” you eagerly take it down. You grab his wrist, “more please?”

“It’s nice of you to use your manners, but you need to drink this slowly. Too much too fast will make you sick to your stomach,” he helps you take another small drink, “doing so good for me Y/n.”

He continues to offer praises and light kisses as he helps you to drink the water. Your eyes feel less heavy and the ringing in your ears has softened by the time you finish the water.

“Feeling a little better now yes,” his fingers tracing over the welts on your back. You jump once he runs over one place near your spine. He stops his hand over the spot, “I need to see your back,okay?”

You nod and try to control your breathing as he leans you forward. You can’t help the shiver when the blanket is pulled away and your body isn’t against his.

August finds a small cut that is clearly the source of pain. You took the cane so well and never asked him to stop. You weren’t even sure you could do that. He swelled with pride at how far you let him take you. He made sure there was nothing more than that.

He shifts you back to leaning against him, “it’s not deep. I’ll take care of it after we get you calmed down.”

“Please,” you weakly claw against his skin.

“Y/n. Tell me what you need,” he tilts his head toward your face, “even if you can only whisper it. Tell me.”

Your mouth makes a few attempts before you can quietly answer, “hold me.”

“Thank you,” he kisses you softly before taking you in his arms. He slowly sways his torso. He knows rocking is something you do to self soothe. He watches your eyes droop closed and feels some of the tension begin to move out from your shoulders. Your breathing is starting to even out and even slow. He smirks at how adorable you are when you’re completely wrung out.

“That’s my girl,” he strokes your hair and it earns a moan of approval from you, “but I can’t let you sleep just yet. Let’s get you all cleaned up all right?”

“Okay daddy,” a yawn creeps through. You try to sit up but your body doesn’t cooperate.

He chuckles, “let me take care of you sweetheart,” he doesn’t wait for your approval. He slides out from underneath you, keeping a hand around your waist to help keep you upright. He stands beside the bed and slides you to him. He lifts you with little effort and carries you into the bathroom.

“Okay baby. Can you reach out and grab a towel? My hands are a little full,” he wants to test your movements without you thinking about it. He also knows in this state you’d do anything he asks.

You reach out and take one of the special towels August keeps for you. They’re soft and they always smell so clean. He walks you to the toilet and closes the lid with his foot. You jump with the loud sound and turn your head into his shoulder.

“Sorry little one. I tried to be quiet,” another soft kiss to apologize. He takes the towel from your shaky hands and sits it over the lid, “can you sit without falling over while I fill the tub for you?”

You nod and pout at the thought of being away from him.

August softly places your feet on the ground while keeping your upper body pressed to him. He’s careful of the angry stripes on your back, “sit down now. Nice and slow.”

He guides your body down to sit. You become acutely aware of more pain and wince.

“I’m sure that ass of yours is sore,” he comments softly, “you needed correcting.”

“Yes sir,” you mutter as you stiffen your spine and pull yourself upright. It takes everything you have to tilt your head up to look at August.

He brushes his thumb over your cheek and then your lips. He kneels in front of you and rubs his hands over your thighs. Leaving one of his large palms on you, he reaches over to start the water for your bath. He carefully watches your face out of his peripheral vision. Your brow creases and he can see the tears forming. He pushes the plunger down in the tub and turns his full attention to you.

He caresses your thighs, tracing a long scar just over your left knee. He feels you jump but you don’t pull away, “Y/n. I know you don’t want to but you used your safe word. We need to talk about it.”

You lock your eyes on his, “are you mad at me,” your lip quivers.

He blinks back the shock from your question. He stands and holds his hand out for you. You place your palm in his and he helps you to get to the edge of the tub. He takes your hand and dips it in the water so you can test it. You nod to tell him it’s okay and he slides your legs over the edge and helps you into the water.

He turns off the nobs and then reaches to push the hair from your face, “Sweet girl, I could never be angry or mad at you for finding your limit and knowing that you can’t go anymore.”

“Then you’re disappointed.”

He shakes his head, “Not even close. You shouldn’t feel like you’ve let me down because you used your safe word. I’m proud of you for trusting me to stop when you said enough. Especially after what you’ve been through.”

Mike. Even that bastard’s name makes August’s skin crawl. That poor excuse for a man abused your trust. He broke your self esteem and made you hyper aware. You were young and didn’t know how to check him out. You couldn’t even have known then. This narcissistic sadist disguised himself as a dominant to take advantage of anyone who he could. The scars that were all over your body was evidence of that.

August began to wash your hair. He wanted to get every trace of him out of this space, “Look I know you don’t want to talk about this but we have to. I need to know what head space I took you to so that I don’t ever do it again.”

The feeling of his nails against your scalp was magical. You secretly wished he would do this every night. Tender isn’t the word that comes to mind when you mention August Walker.

Protective. Attentive. Possessive. Domineering. Alpha. Those are the first ones you think of. But this version of him, makes you weak. It’s something only you get to see.

You sigh, “I said his name didn’t I?’

“Mmmhmm,” he tilts your head back so he can rinse it.

Your eyes turn towards him, “you didn’t do it on purpose.”

He says nothing. He knows the power of silence. He gently pushes your head back to a normal position. He lifts your arm from the water and begins to wash your skin, taking care to look over the damage on your wrist.

You close your eyes to try to fight back the tears, “whenever M...I was with him, he would absolutely lose his shit if I so much as smiled at some guy. Not the same way you do; you’re just trying to watch out for me and protect me.”

He smiled at your understanding.

“If he ever had a passing thought that I may have spoken to another guy, he would really lay into me,” you sniffled back the sadness and pushed on, “he would call me a whore, slut, dumb cunt, whatever he could think of. Not his. But those words. He would do whatever he wanted to and call me all those things. Then he would just leave me alone. ”

August’s hands stilled on your back and he moved himself so he could meet your gaze. There was a softness in his eyes like you’d never seen before.

“I know you were just talking. You know I wasn’t flirting with anyone at the party. But when you said I was acting like a cheap whore, not yours…..something broke inside me,” tears rolling down your cheeks, “every strike with the cane was like it was against open skin. All I could hear was his voice saying those words again and I…..”

August crawled into the tub with you, got on his knees and wrapped you in his arms. You sobbed against him all over again, “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you in a way you wouldn’t like. I’m sorry.”

You nodded, “you didn’t know.”

“I do now. That’s what matters,” he squeezes you tightly. He lifts your face to his and wipes the tears away, “do you feel cleaner now?”

As it turned out, you actually did. This mystery of a man managed to help you wash away a memory you didn’t even know was lurking. This man who could easily cast you aside when things get murky. August, who was honest about not wanting a “relationship,” is right here with you when it’s hard, “I do feel a little better.”

“Good,” he gets himself out of the water and towels off. A cocky smirk drags across his face when he catches you drinking in his naked body with your eyes. The lust burning behind your eyes is something he craves, “see something you like?”

“Lots of things,” the blush is all the way to your ears, “even that face furniture. It’s a fun place to sit.”

“Easy now little girl. You need rest before I would even consider touching you,” he helps you stand in the tub, “maybe tomorrow morning.”

You feel his eyes on every movement. His hands are right beside your legs as you step out, a safe place in case you fall. Warmth spreads all over your body as he dries you. Seeing him on his knees before you, in such a submissive pose, you can’t help yourself. You drag your fingers through his wild, curly hair. He practically purrs and looks up at you.

“Thank you,” he folds the damp towel and drapes it over the tiled edge of the tub. His hand covers yours in his hair. Reluctantly he pulls you away from his scalp and tilts his head toward the towel, “sit.”

He watches as you lower yourself. He grabs another towel for your hair and gets the first aid kit he keeps in the linen closet. He also grabs the wet brush from a drawer in the vanity. You watch with complete contentment knowing he’ll take care of everything. You let a heavy sigh out which causes him to turn toward the sound.

He looks as you sigh and sees you tracing lazy patterns on the bath mat under your feet. There is a swell and a warmth in him that even Walker himself didn’t think was possible. He makes his way back to you and notices you’re softly humming to yourself. He thought it was cute. Only you could make him ever think anything is cute.

After toweling your hair as dry as he could, he brushes it out so it won’t be a tangled mess. Your whole body vibrates with happiness. This is the piece of this you love the most; someone taking care of your every need and being able to shut off your brain. All those thoughts that were screaming in your mind from before have fallen silent. All you can hear is the beautiful melody that is August and how he loves you. He doesn’t say it but the way he tends to you and ensures your happiness is enough for you to know.

August begins to rub lotion into your skin, concentrating on the welts and rough places. He also cleans and bandages any cuts into your skin. He kisses each place he bandages, which makes you giggle.

“I love you,” you can’t even stop yourself from saying it, “I love you August Walker and I don’t care if you won’t say it.”

He gives you a hard stare, “it’s time for bed.”

It’s his go to mode whenever you get too emotional. He takes control and becomes neutral. You slowly stand and shrug your shoulders as he puts a hand on the small of your back. You take the cue to walk to the bedroom. You slide into the bed and let him spread the blanket over you.

He settles into bed and pulls you into his chest. His fingers run up and down your spine and your eyes start to feel heavy. He softly kisses your forehead and begins to watch as you fall asleep in his arms. Never, in all the things he ever wanted for himself, was something like this on the list. He’s stripped this beautiful creature raw, took her apart and put her carefully back together. Taking the time to fix what’s broken so all her edges are polished smooth again.

Watching her sleep in his arms, he’s finally able to rest. He takes a deep breath and squeezes her to him. He breathes in her scent and opens himself to what he couldn’t think possible.

“I love you. More than anything.”

#august walker #august walker fanfic #august walker x you #august walker x y/n #soft august #sub reader #aftercare #henry cavill fanfic

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ghstandpucks · 4 years

Text

Cutting Edge ~ Nathan MacKinnon Ch. 2

A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you are liking this story! I’m having fun writing it! I got carried away with this chapter, so it’s a little long. Let me know what you think, I love hearing from you! Enjoy!

Prologue

Ch. 1

“Are you joining us for strength training tomorrow coach?” Tyson asked. After his comment earlier, he had been trying to make casual conversation with you. You figured he felt bad and was trying to show you he was sorry for the way his comment slipped out. You were skating off the ice at the end of practice when he had caught up with you. You turned to answer him, but another voice cut you off.

“She’s a figure skater Jost. She can’t do our conditioning,” Nikita Zadorov eyed you, but it was stated more as a challenge than anything else. And you were not one to back down from a challenge, hence your Olympic gold medal.

“Says who?” you questioned, then turned to Tyson. “I’ll be there.” You smiled and walked off where you saw the other coaches heading to take off your skates.

“You know you don’t actually have to do the strength and conditioning with them right?” Casey Bond said, catching up with you. You remembered he was the strength and conditioning coach you had met earlier that day.

“Yes. But I want them to know that I’m here to work with them, not just because I was placed here for a program that may or may not succeed. I want them to trust me,” you stated simply. Bond nodded.

“You’re okay kid. If you feel like you are dying tomorrow, just tell me and I’ll make up an excuse for you to leave,” he said with a grin. You smiled back.

“I’ll just die in front of them. Make Zadorov feel bad for challenging me,” you laughed as you started to untie your skates. Bednar heard what had happened and he just shook his head with a disbelieving smile. At least you were trying to be part of the team. On the other hand, Tyson had announced to the locker room that you would be joining them in the morning because of Z’s challenge.

“You did what? Did you see how small she is? I’m surprised she never just snapped in half from falling on the ice.” Erik Johnson stated.

“Figure skaters have to condition too though right? It can’t be that different,” Andre Burakovsky stated.

“Ya, but we all weigh in around 200 pounds. She’s like what, 100?” EJ retorted. Unfortunately for them, you happened to be walking by outside the locker room on your way out and heard this.

“I’m (Y/Weight) actually. Thank you very much,” you shouted as you kept walking. The boys seemed to freeze for a second, listening as your footsteps got quieter.

“She’s fucking (Y/W) pounds! If she dies, it’s your fault,” EJ said to Z.

“She’ll be fine. I’m sure she knows her limits,” Gabe tried to soothe the conversation. “We’ll all just keep an eye on her. I know that won’t be a problem for some people.” He said the last sentence as he turned toward Nate slightly. The man in question busied himself getting his equipment together, though he knew he would have looked out for you regardless. You on the other hand, were determined to show the team what a figure skater could do. You knew it was your chance to prove to the team you weren’t something fragile, but one of them. Someone who wanted to work with them and earn their trust, and you saw this as your way in.

~ ~ ~

You don’t think you had ever sweat so much in your life. You were keeping up with the team, but you were feeling your muscles already starting to shake. It wasn’t as if you have never trained like this before, you have just done different types of work outs. For figure skating, your work outs usually included ballet lessons and yoga sessions though. All of this was slightly ridiculous for a figure skater. You weren’t showing it though, again masking any emotion you were having with a smile.

When it came time to sprint a short distance, you lined up with everyone else in two different lines. “How are you doing coach?” a voice asked from behind you. You turned around and smiled, not noticing Nate had gotten in line with you.

“This is child’s play,” you joked, though you were sure you were as red as a tomato. Nate chuckled, admiring the fact you had hung in with them so far. When you got to the line, you hadn’t noticed Zadorov was in line next to you, and who you would be sprinting against.

“Ready to lose coach?” he taunted you with a smirk.

“I guess I haven’t told you something…” the whistle blew and you both took off. You pushed your legs as fast as they would go, and crossed the other line a second ahead of Zadorov. He looked at you surprised, catching his breath. “…I’m a fast sprinter,” you finished your comment from a few seconds ago. The team started to chirp him as some of the guys clapped you on the back as you walked back in line, proud of yourself.

That was your one shinning moment though. Another hour later when conditioning was finished and the team had a short break before going inside and getting on the ice for a light practice, you snuck off behind the rink and thankfully found a trash can. After depositing the contents of your stomach, you walked away from the trash and leaned up against the side of the building, slowly sinking down trying to regulate your breathing. You hoped that this showed the team you were here to work, because you didn’t want to think about having to go through that again. Hearing footsteps coming closer, you looked up and saw Nate walking toward you. He slid down next to you and handed you a Gatorade as he took a swig of his own. “Thought you could use this, you seemed a bit shaky,” he stated. You laughed half-heartedly.

“Oh God, did I really look that bad?” you asked, taking a sip and swishing it around your mouth as discretely as you could, embarrassed that he probably knew the real reason you came back here.

“Not at all coach,” he stated quietly. You turned your head to look at him, and those same butterflies appeared in your stomach as yesterday at the soft look he was giving you. You smiled and shook your head.

“You’re such a liar,” you joked with him, to try and snap whatever was happening in that moment. You knew it wasn’t professional to be feeling that way about him, especially with you just beginning to work with the team. “But thank you Nathan.”

“Nate,” he said, sticking his hand out for you to shake, and that’s when you realized you were never actually properly introduced yesterday.

“Y/N” you smiled, shaking his hand. After a few silent, but comfortable moments, Nate stood up and offered you his hand. You took it as he helped you up and both of you headed back to the front and walked into the rink. The cold air felt nice on your aching muscles as you and Nate went to your respected areas to change and put your skates on. Shortly after you were on the ice and Coach Bednar skated over to you.

“Good to see you in one piece,” he joked. You laughed and shook your head.

“Just barely.”

“Well, I heard some of the conversations as the guys came in, and you definitely impressed them. I can’t believe you actually decided to stay for the whole workout, but it seems you’ve earned a lot of respect from sticking it out,” he said earnestly. You smiled to yourself and nodded.

“That’s all I wanted,” you replied, overjoyed with what he had said. As the team started to take the ice, you added, “Do you think they’ll mind if I just sit on the ice the rest of practice?” Laughing, Bednar skated with you out to center ice.

“Honestly, probably not. Just say you’re getting a better view of their blades.”

“That’s a good one!” you laughed, and went to your corner to wait for your first group.

~ ~ ~

The week seemed to go by quickly after that. You had swapped out your coaching sweats for your practice leggings and felt much more yourself on the ice. You were also getting to know the team better and becoming fast friends with a few of them. Surprisingly, Tyson Jost was one of those people. You were only a few months older than him and after you had told him he had apologized enough to you for his ‘comment gone wrong’ as you jokingly called it, the two of you got along very well. It was still Nate who would give you butterflies though. And he was still equally intrigued by you.

Friday after practice ended and the Zamboni had cleaned the ice, you decided to keep your skates on and glide back out. No one was supposed to be there for the rest of the day, so you decided to take some time and skate for yourself. Gliding around the ice, you smiled and started to hum, warming up a few jumps and spins, completely enjoying your time in your favorite place. You had been in your own little world while doing twizzles around the edges of the ice that you didn’t notice a tall figure off to the side watching you. Once you stopped your twizzles and looked around though, you spotted Nate leaning against the boards. You glided over to him, fixing the loose strand of hair that had fallen out of your ponytail as he tried not to make it seem like he was watching you. “What are you still doing here? I thought everyone left?” you asked as you got closer, stopping a few feet in front of him.

“I was about to, but then I heard someone on the ice and wanted to see who it was,” he stated, rubbing the back of his neck. You nodded, unsure of what to say. Luckily, Nate filled the silence. “What you were just doing, that looked pretty cool,” he smiled at you.

“Oh twizzles! Yeah, they’re fun,” you returned his smile. “I realized I hadn’t skated for myself this past week. So I figured with no one here I would enjoy the ice.”

“I’ll let you get back to it then,” Nate went to walk away, but you spoke up without really thinking it through.

“Do you want to skate with me?” you blurted out, slightly embarrassed that you had just basically asked him to stay. What if he was busy and didn’t want to? Or felt obligated because you were technically his coach. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” you added for good measure. Nate looked back at you and really took you in this time. You had put your hair up since practice, your cheeks red from the cold. He thought you looked adorable in your team USA tank top and skate leggings. He couldn’t help but smile and nod.

“Let me go get my skates back on,” he stated. You smiled back at him and watched him walk away for a second.

About five minutes later Nate stepped onto the ice with a few things. Though he stayed in his joggers that he had worn after practice, he brought out his gloves, some pucks, and two hockey sticks. You skated over to him confused. “What’s all that for?”

“You teach me some figure skating moves, and I’ll teach you some hockey. As a coach, you should really know how to at least handle a puck,” Nate looked over at you. You eyed everything apprehensively.

“Okay but like just a warning, I have no hand eye coordination what so ever. Why do you think I stuck to a sport that is primarily footwork based?” Nate chucked at your response as the two of you skated around the ice at an easy pace, allowing his muscles to warm back up from practice.

“You can’t be that bad,” he shrugged.

“Oh, prepared to be shocked,” you said with a laugh. Nate grinned at you as you started to twizzle again. As the two of you skated and talked some more, Nate was impressed by the way you could make every little movement seem incredibly graceful. After teaching him how to properly do a two foot and one-foot spin, he asked you about jumps. “I’ll teach you a loop. You don’t have toe picks so that one will probably be the easiest,” you suggested, showing him how to take off on the outside edge of his right foot while gliding backward. You demonstrated a single for him, and tried to give him pointers. “Not half bad,” you complimented while clapping as he did it.

“Show me what you can really do with that jump.” He was curious to see what he saw on the video in person. You laughed and skated a circle around him to gain some speed, then jumped into a triple-triple loop combo with ease. When you landed the second one and looked at him, Nate let out a low whistle and clapped.

“Nice coach,” he said. “And now that I feel totally inadequate as a figure skater, time for you to learn some hockey.” You rolled your eyes dramatically, but followed Nate over to the bench anyways. “Do you want a pair of gloves, or do you want to keep yours on?” he asked, eyeing your thin wool gloves.

“Can I keep mine on?” you asked and he nodded, then holding out a stick to you and throwing the pucks onto the ice. You stood there awkwardly with the stick, eyeing it suspiciously.

“It won’t bite,” Nate teased you.

“I’m not so sure about that,” you replied, but followed him as he pulled a net back onto the ice. Nate turned back to you, silently laughing at how apprehensive you looked.

“So first thing, which way do you think you would want to shoot. Right or left?” he asked skating to your side.

“Probably right?” you questioned. Again, Nate chuckled at your uneasiness. You were an Olympic champion, surely you couldn’t be this nervous to shoot a puck.

“Aren’t you friends with some of the Ducks? Have you honestly never shot a puck before?” he asked you.

“Yeah I’m friends with a few, but only because I would do charity events with them. I’ve never been to their practices or anything,” you defended your lack of hockey experience. “Also, how do you know I’m friends with some them? I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that.” Nate’s eyes went a bit wide, realizing you hadn’t said anything about it. He only knew from hanging out with Tyson and Andre after practice the day before and Tyson decided to stalk your Instagram page.

“Um…Tyson found out and has a big mouth,” he decided that was the safest way to go. Not that Tyson stalked you to find out if you were dating anyone because Nate couldn’t stop making comments about you. He didn’t need to say they came to a conclusion that you were single.

“Oh, that’s why he followed me on Insta yesterday. That brat,” you laughed, having no clue behind the alterative motive. Nate chuckled nervously and decided to change the topic quickly before he said anything else that he shouldn’t. He started by showing you how to hold the hockey stick; where your hands should be placed. He showed you how to swing at the puck, and stayed a respectable distance from you doing so. He thought about skating up behind you and showing you everything with his chest pressed against your back, but he wasn’t sure it was a good idea. He honestly wasn’t even sure if you were actual friends yet, or still just his coach.

He was pulled out of his train of thought as you started to bounce up and down next to him and laugh to yourself. You had just shot your first puck into the net after a few failed attempts. And though it was no where at the speed that Nate had, you were still excited. He couldn’t help but smile at you adoringly. After a few more successful shots that had you grinning from ear to ear, Nate brought the pucks back over and stood in front of you. He got into a defensive stance and softly hit a puck toward you. “Now come at me,” he said. You stood there baffled for a minute.

“No,” you laughed in disbelief. Nate smiled and nodded.

“Come on. Try to score against me,” he encouraged you. You continued to stare at him, but when he didn’t budge, you semi-reluctantly gave in.

“Please don’t hurt me,” you muttered, to which he laughed.

“I’ll go easy on you Y/N,” he replied as you started to skate forward. Not having the best control of the puck, Nate took it from you easily. “Are you even trying?” he laughed.

“Hey! That’s just mean. I was,” you said, getting another puck. After you had failed a few more times, your competitive, stubborn side was starting to appear. You wanted to get past him so badly. You looked at him for a second, before skating forward toward one side, then doing a quick three turn toward the other, and to your surprise you were still in control of the puck and around Nate. You shot the puck into the net with an excited yell. Nate stared at you dumb stuck for a second, before a smile took its place as you skated back to him. “Did you see that!” you jumped on your toe picks.

“That was good,” Nate said, impressed. Yes, he wasn’t trying that hard to stop you, but he honestly did not see that one coming. “What did you just do?” he asked curiously.

“It was just a three turn. You guys do them too, just not as fluidly,” you shrugged.

“You should think about showing that to us then,” Nate suggested, gathering the pucks up. You nodded, not even considering that what you just did may be helpful. You helped him pick up everything, and the two of you took your skates off together. “So what do you think of playing hockey now?” Nate asked as you walked out to the parking lot.

“It’s not that hard. Maybe I should change professions,” you said with a smirk toward him. Nate let out a deep laugh and shook his head.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t quit your day job any time soon,” he shot back with a wink. You played hurt.

“Ohh, that’s how it is. Well, it looks like you are skating extra laps on Monday Mr. MacKinnon,” you tried to be serious, but you couldn’t help break into a smile at the wide grin he was giving you.

“Do you even have the authority to do that Coach Y/L/N?” he asked. You thought for a second.

“I’m actually not sure. I’ll find someone who does though,” you laughed as you approached your Jeep, not even realizing he had walked you out to your car when his was in the other direction. “I had fun today Nate. Thanks for teaching me a few things,” you said as you got your keys out of your bag. Nate smiled down at you, debating with himself if he should ask for your number or not.

“Thanks for asking me to stay and skate,” he responded earnestly. You were both staring at one another, neither really wanting to say goodbye first. You caved though, not sure where to go from here.

“Have a good weekend Nate,” you said softly.

“You too coach,” Nate said, and turned around to walk toward his car. Before he got too far from you though, he stopped and turned back toward you. “Hey Y/N, can I get your number? You know, just incase I ever need to get ahold of a coach,” he wanted to cringe at his pathetic explanation for wanting your number.

“Don’t you have the other coach’s numbers?” you asked, challenging him. He met your stare, and decided to go out on a limb to test the waters.

“Can I get your number, so I can talk to you outside of practice than,” he said, a little nervous for your response. A blush then rose to your cheeks, that you were hoping was still hidden from the cold of the rink. You nodded though, accepting his phone when he handed it to you and putting your number in it. You handed it back and smiled shyly at him.

“See you later Nate,”

“Bye Y/N,” he said quietly, noticing that your cheeks had become a tinge pinker. He smiled to himself as he walked back to his car. Maybe you were just as interested in him as he was in you.

Tag: @bqstqnbruin

#nhl imagine #nhl x reader #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl imagines #nathan mackinnon imagine #nathan mackinnon x reader #nate mackinnon imagine #nate mackinnon x reader #cutting edge

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physioblr · 5 years

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How to get a 4.0 with ADHD-C and Dyscalculia

(Or, how to survive Uni as a disabled student)

Disclaimer:

This is what has worked for me. I don’t claim that this will work for everyone. Not every ADHD brain is the same. Also other axis of privilege, time of diagnosis, and support are different between people. I have severe ADHD-C and was diagnosed as a young adult and had little support to help me deal with my symptoms until I met my partner. Psychiatrists aren’t trained to help you deal with the range of issues you will face.

Do keep in mind as well that some professors are just ablest assholes. The idea that someone is kind, empathetic, or will always follow federal law just because they are in a profession that gives them a power differential is ridiculous. You may also run into professors that also take pride in their exam distributions looking like a statistician’s nightmare. Keep an eye out for the obvious dog whistles, and do research before registration when possible. If you end up in these situations, drop the class during the add/drop period if you can. If not, be prepared for your GPA to take a hit.

I’m writing this from an American perspective, if you are in the UK/Europe I lived in Scotland for 5 years and would be happy to help if you have questions regarding the Equality Act 2010 and the UN convention of disability rights.

A. Lifestyle:

1. Sleep hygiene. Sleep = study retention.

I had trouble sleeping for most of my life. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep or stay asleep at the appropriate times. A lot of people deal with this by being “night owls” — i.e. just accepting that our clocks are set later than neurotypicals’. Other people deal with this by sleeping on a biphasic or polyphasic sleep schedule.

There is another option though. You can train yourself to go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. This might take a couple of weeks for your body to adjust. Here is how I did it:

Take your morning dose of medication about 30-40 minutes before you actually need to wake up. This allows medication to kick in. It’s similar to the trick of drinking a cup of coffee before taking a power nap. I have two alarms. One to take my medication, and the other to actually wake up. My medication alarms have a particular tone so that I don’t take my medication twice.

Wake up at the same time every day, including weekends. You can’t oversleep or your body won’t adjust. Do not press the snooze button. Get up right away to start your morning routine. The 5-10 minutes that your snooze gives you isn’t going to make you feel less tired. It will make your feel groggy, which is something called sleep inertia. Your body doesn’t get to complete a full sleep cycle, and it will donk you up.

Add going outside to your morning routine. Even if it’s the winter, or mostly dark. I have an adorable greyhound, and he has to go potty as soon as I wake up. In the very least open your blinds/curtains and open your windows to get some fresh air and morning light. Studies show that light effects our circadian rhythm. I find that even when it’s dark out though, going outside helps due to the cool morning air.

Keep a consistent morning routine. Do everything in order like you are going down a checklist of tasks. Make your bed as your final task. Don’t get back in your bed. Your bed is for sleep or sex only.

Go to bed at the same time every night, no matter what. Medication has likely worn off by the time you go to sleep, and contradictory to neurotypical belief, when your brain wanders it can make it harder to fall asleep. So can hyperfocusing. I find that reading can keep me up as I will hyperfocus, but listening to audiobooks doesn’t cause those problems. I turn off the lights, put a seep mask on, and play an audiobook with wireless headphones to help me get to sleep. I recommend reading/listening to something light like fantasy or science fiction. Save thrillers, horror, and mystery books to listen to during the day.

2. Exercise.

I recommend exercising in the morning everyday, cardio and strength training. Even if you just do some cardio 10-15 minutes, it is still beneficial. Most exercise physiologists would recommend a rest day, but I’ve found that lighter days work better than complete rest days. You will see a noticeable difference in your hyperactivity symptoms. It’s not simply that it gets the fidgets out of your system, it is good for a hyperactive mind and helps with emotional dysregulation as well. It will help you sleep at night too.

Always speak to your doctor before you begin any exercise regimen, especially if you are taking 60+ mg of ADHD medication and have not exercised regularly on your medication previously.

3. Eating.

Eat at the same time everyday. Your body will tell you you’re hungry at those times. It’s also helpful to schedule your food around medication so that you don’t repress your natural appetite. Also, not that it needs to be said, but the brain uses up a lot of calories. You need to eat to retain what you learn.

4. Emotional Regulation.

This is one of the hardest parts of ADHD that no one ever talks about. You may not even know what this is, or that emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD. It’s never mentioned in the DSM or ICD because emotions are hard (and expensive) to quantify. A lot of medical professionals have never even heard of it. If you want to read up on it, I suggest reading work by Dr. Russell A. Barkley. To give you the basics though, ADHD brains fail to self regulate emotions. We have emotional impulsivity. When we take in sensory information for conscious appraisal the pathway goes like this: stimulus —> thalamus —> cortex —> amygdala. Our frontal cortex is not the greatest at giving us context, or telling us to chill out, so our amygdala can be in the driver’s seat often. This aspect can make us really fun people, because it can make us get excited easily and enjoy life to the fullest. It can also cause us problems. For example, expressing anger at your boss or teacher (even if you are rightfully angry) might not be the best—diplomacy may give a better outcome. Our amygdala doesn’t know what is best for our future selves.

So, how does one regulate emotion when you’re brain doesn’t function like you want it? Try practicing mindfulness. And no, I’m not taking about attending to everything coming into your working memory or weird granola hippy garbage. When you are having an emotional response, check in with yourself. Are you feeling overstimulated? Are you feeling understimulated? Are you hungry, are you thirsty? Are you tired? Is your medication wearing off? Notice patterns, notice what triggers the emotion, write it down. Develop a proverbial toolbox that can help you when you are not regulating your emotions well. This toolbox is individual to you, and it may take some trial and error.

Keep in mind that trauma is different than emotional dysregulation, although our emotional dysregulation doesn’t exactly help. A lot of us ADHD brains have experienced severe emotional trauma via ableism and abuse from the school system, from teachers, or from parents. It never gets talked about because it’s usually caused by someone in a position of authority, and we are hardly ever given a voice to talk about our own experiences. Find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Find ways to self sooth in a healthy way when re-experiencing that trauma. You may have complex PTSD. It’s difficult for us to get help for complex PTSD because society doesn’t recognize that disabled people experience trauma in a very unique way. Keep in mind PTSD wasn’t even considered a disability under the ADA until 2008, one couldn’t get social security for PTSD until 2017, and the ADA didn’t exist until 1990. If you do seek out help though, expect push back from some medical professionals, have someone that will support you through the process, and do so when you will not be experiencing new trauma. Also, remember, fellow ADHD brains are here and we all love and support you.

B. Disability Services:

I’m not going to sugar coat this. We are barely recognized as human beings, so our rights are always under fire. Being disabled in this world is like walking through a mine field. Not every university or work environment is going to follow the ADA. The ADA became law in 1990, and the abled have been dragging their feet ever since. It’s difficult to enforce, complaining to the government often leads to nothing, and getting a lawyer is expensive. It’s also hard to prove discrimination in court. The ADA leaves a lot of room for improvement. Ableism is a systemic problem pretty much worldwide. I’m not trying to upset anyone, but you need to be prepared for what you are up against.

1. Keep the nature of your disability private.

Never ever ever tell a professor or TA the nature of your disability. Tell them you have a disability recognized under the ADA which is federal law, do not tell them what disability you have. There are lots of tips on tumblr that will tell you to inform professors that you have x disability, and that they will be empathetic and blah blah blah. Those uninformed tips are putting your legal rights, and your grade, in danger. There are so many biases professors can and do have when it comes to ADHD and dyscalculia. You are just asking to experience ableism if you divulge. Some professors don’t believe that ADHD is a disability, or they believe that vaccines cause ADHD, or that you just magically grow out of ADHD when you turn 18 etc. It isn’t your job to deal with their delusions, their biases, or their ableism — that’s their therapists’ or HRs’ problem. You do not have to tell anyone but your university disability services. Under the ADA you have a legal right to privacy, but if you divulge to a professor you are waiving that right.

I also wouldn’t recommend telling other students the nature of your disability. Unless you are pretty sure the other student also has your disability, but even then internalized ableism is a thing. You never know who they are going to tell, if they are ableist, or how they feel about your accommodations. You never want an abled student crying to a professor because they think your accommodations are “unfair”. If a student wants to know what disability you have, and you want to tell them something because you have become acquaintances/friends but don’t want to tell them exactly, say that you have a neurodevelopmental disability and/or a learning disability.

2. Advocate for your legal accommodations.

Disability services are not going to hold your hand. They are not going to simply offer you all the accommodations that you are legally allowed or would make you successful. They deal with hundreds of other students and likely have accommodations they offer everyone, regardless of the type of disability you have. Request accommodations that actually put you on the same playing field as everyone else. Read the ADA, and understand what reasonable accommodations are.

If you have ADHD, I would recommend requesting extended time on exams and assignments, a private room to take exams in that is free of distraction, handouts/materials and textbooks in text-to-speech capable formats, the ability to take breaks in-class or exams, reduced course load, and the ability to record lectures for note-taking. You may be able to request a memory aid for ADHD, as a lot of ADHD brains have very low working memory (also called short term memory) capacity. Part of our attention difficulties come from low working memory capacity as sensory input goes through working memory before it is stored in long term memory. Anything stored in long term memory must be pulled back into working memory to be used and manipulated. Get a psychologist that specializes in ADHD adults to test your working memory capacity if needed.

If you have dyscalculia, I would recommend requesting a memory aid (used for formulas, constants, equations etc), the use of calculator on exams and assignments, extended time on exams and assignments, reduced course load, and a private room for exams.

3. Get accommodations implemented.

This is a different process than getting accommodations approved. My uni makes me contact professors at the start of the quarter in an ‘engagement process’. Due to re-experiencing trauma, I avoid setting up a meeting with professors and just email. Emailing prevents professors form cornering you or badgering you to divulge your disability, or subtly threatening you about your registration or degree, and puts everything in writing so there is a legal paper trail.

Professors may try to get out of their legal obligations. I have had this happen multiple times. I’ve even had professors tell me that accommodations aren’t helpful for disabled students, or that they are not fair to abled students — I responded with “well it’s not fair that I was born with a disability and that you’re gatekeeping disabled people from getting an education”… they didn’t take that well. Do not try to argue with a professor about your disability rights or accommodations, it will only make you upset and they will likely accuse you of being hysterical or unstable. I’ve even had a professor say that I “threatened” them when I simply reminded them of their legal obligations under federal law as they were trying to not implement accommodations. This is why email is the best choice — you have time to respond professionally and having the receipts is important to keep you legally safe. If a professor is being belligerent about implementing accommodations, tell disability services what is going on (forward your emails) and remind them that accommodations must be implemented in a timely manner under the ADA. If disability services tries to make you argue with your professor, say that you do not feel comfortable doing so. If they push further, tell them you would rather not without an attorney or other representative present — mention you would rather the university handle it internally as you are concerned bringing an attorney or representative into an argument would escalate the situation which isn’t ideal for anyone.

I have a standard email that I send professors during the ‘engagement process’ that I edit slightly to reflect the course. It is professional, polite, and reminds them of their legal obligations as well as university policy. In it I also outline what my approved accommodations are and suggest how they should be implemented.

4. Any paperwork you have to turn in, make sure to do it early.

Create reminders on your calendar, write the dates in your bujo future log, whatever you need to do to get that paperwork in on time. Read everything slowly. These are legal documents. If you have a support system… ASK FOR HELP. Seriously, don’t be afraid to ask your support system for help with legal documents.

C. Studying:

1. Choose two places to study.

I don’t like studying in the library or in cafes. I know it’s not as aesthetic to study at home, but it prevents me from people watching and getting distracted. I have two designated study areas. One is my desk, the other is a cozy couch. Choose locations based on stimulation and comfort. My desk is fairly understimulating, while the couch is a bit more stimulation.

2. Learn to use your hyperfocus.

Most reading this probably know what you need to get in the hyperfocus zone. If you don’t, then note any patterns/conditions when it happens so you will have an easier time using the only ADHD super power you’ve got. When you are hyperfocusing on studying, ride the wave for as long as you can. However, make sure to set alarms to eat, go to the bathroom, stretch etc. Don’t let your hyperfocus keep you from taking care of yourself.

3. Create a study routine.

I know I keep blathering on about routines, but it helps. Treat studying like you would training as a professional athlete. When you have a study routine, you never have to decide to study. That decision is already made for you. When studying for exams, make a checklist of everything you need to cover. Ask the professor in advance about what is going to be covered on exams so that you can make an exam study plan early. If your professor is a garbage person and won’t tell you use the syllabus, textbook readings, labs, lecture slides, and snoop on the internet for past exams. Last minute learning is never a good idea. The human brain simply can’t do it, and your working memory capacity is too low to cram.

4. Accept that everything will take you longer, and that it’s okay.

It sucks, it really does. Those neurotypicals don’t know how lucky they are. It’s going to take you longer to read, to learn material, and to do basically anything in life. That’s okay, you do you. Don’t compare yourself to others, it will only cause you to feel bad about yourself. Guess what though, you are already a statistical anomaly. Only 32% of ADHD children graduate high school. Only 22% of adults with ADHD get into university. Only 5% of ADHD adults graduate from university. You are already punching those statistics in the face by existing. Seriously, do what you need to do and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. You’ve got this!

5. Create the environment you need for your brain.

Sometimes I’m feeling really over stimulated and I need complete silence. Sometimes I feel at a sort of stimulation equilibrium and I listen to lofi study beats playlists. Sometimes I feel understimulated or I’m doing something really tedious, and I need to put on a tv show or a movie in the background. I keep a list of TV shows and movies that I can put on in such cases. Pick things that you won’t really watch and that you are familiar with. It usually helps me transition so that I can start the studying task. Listen to your body and do what works for you.

6. Don’t use the pomodoro technique.

The pomodoro technique was made for neurotypicals. ADHD brains have difficulty transitioning between tasks. It’s better to study for as long as you can maintain focus or hyperfocus than rely on a set 25 minutes. Again, be sure to eat and use the bathroom! You don’t want to be taken off your meds due to weight loss, and you don’t want to get a UTI.

D. Tools of the Trade:

1. iPad Pro & Apple Pencil v.s. Echo Livescribe Smart Pen

I used to use the echo livescribe smart pen but now I use an iPad. It’s cheaper in the long run and I don’t have to worry about running out of paper. Apple has way better customer support as well as iCloud backups, plus they can find your device if lost. Now I only use the echo livescribe pen when taking exams. My university lets me use one from the disability office so that I can make verbal notes when doing long answer exam questions and to keep track of my thoughts if I want to skip over a question and come back to it. I requested it as an accommodation, it had to be approved by committee. They actually thanked me for being so creative and trained the person in charge of accessible technology so that it could be used with other students. It’s almost like asking disabled students about what helps us and our experiences is a good thing!

2. Notability

I use the app Notability for lectures as it can record the lecture and has great organizational capabilities. I usually copy/paste slides into my notes so that I can write on them as well. I also use Notability to read textbooks. It’s got fairly good text-to-speech compatibility, so you can move around if you need to.

3. Goodnotes 5

I use the Goodnotes 5 app for a digital bujo as well as for making mind maps. It’s got some great shape recognition functions. Although Notability has improved their shape functionality, it’s still not as great as Goodnotes 5.

4. iWork

I also use pages on my iPad to make condensed study guides / study notes. It’s also really great for writing essays or making tables. I used to hand-write study notes, but it takes way longer.

4. Omnifocus

Omnifocus is great for breaking down big projects into smaller tasks or making quick checklists. It’s a bit of a pain to learn how to use, but once you do it’s completely worth it.

5. Quizlet Plus

Quizlet Plus is completely worth it. I use it a lot for figures or structures I have to memorize, I draw figures in Notability and take a screen shot or grab it from my textbook. It’s a really amazing flashcard app. Also, if you have your textbook on your device, you can copy/paste definitions right into quizlet.

6. Studybreak

Studybreak is a great app for iphone. It tells you how long you have been studying, nags you if you’ve touched your phone to scroll social media, and can suggest that you take a break. You can program it to set how long you want to study for, how long you want to take a break for etc. You can also ignore the break suggestion which is nice when one is hyperfocusing. It also keeps statistics on how long you have been studying and for which subjects.

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 5 years

Note

How can I get more comfortable in my nonbinary identity ? Like I know that I’m trans & nonbinary but since you can’t rlly “see” gender my brain often plays cruel tricks on me an try’s to make me thing I’m faking or this is just a phase but learning about those identities has made me feel so comfortable and they feel so right.How can I fight my brains intrusive thoughts ?

Lee says:

When people say they’re worried that their identity is just a phase, I always direct them towards the Decatastrophizing: The “What If” Technique and (Worksheet). In 5 years, having mistakenly called yourself non-binary won’t ruin your life. If you decide you’re not trans, you’ve still had an adventure into gender that likely widened your understanding of your own self and your understanding of other people- that’s a happy ending regardless of whether you end up deciding you’re trans or cis and there’s no harm done. So even if the worse case scenario happened, and you had to tell people you were mistaken about your identity, it still wouldn’t be the end of the world. It might be rough for a bit, but everyone would move on. But this worst-case scenario isn’t likely!

The other thing I tell people when they’re worried that their identity is just a phase: you know yourself. You’re identifying as non-binary for a reason, and you feel happier this way and more comfortable this way. You know that you’re non-binary- you’ve said so yourself- you just need to trust yourself. That’s easier said than done, but you’ve already taken the first step by realizing that your anxiety is causing the intrusive self-doubt, and once you’ve identified that as the issue you can consciously try validating yourself and try to use one of your coping skills, whether that’s distraction, mindfulness, or anything that else that helps you. You know you’re trans, and it is very unlikely that you’re faking being trans to yourself.

Self-acceptance:

Learning to accept being non-binary

Becoming more confident in your non-binary identity

Make your own affirmations

6 affirmations for trans folks who don’t feel trans enough

Intrusive thoughts:

Anxiety and intrusive thoughts

Challenging anxious thoughts

Steps for coping with Intrusive Thoughts

Understanding Intrusive Thoughts & Feelings with High Anxiety

How To Overcome Intrusive Thoughts

Theory A/Theory B

Cognitive restructuring for anxiety

Getting help

General coping skills:

Distress tolerance skills

Distress tolerance activities

Panic list for distress tolerance

Improving distress (takes a min to load)

STOPP worksheet

How to calm down

ACCEPTS

Activity list

Core beliefs

Negative thinking

10 growth-minded statements

Unhelpful thinking habits

Awareness of unhealthy thinking styles

Maladaptive beliefs

Automatic thoughts

Self-help for low self-esteem

Improving self-esteem

How to develop self-esteem

Taking steps to feel better about yourself

How to raise your self-esteem

My strengths and qualities

Toot your horn

Self-esteem journal

11 questions

Positive belief record

Emotion regulation skills

Emotion regulation worksheet

Letting go of painful emotions

Mindfulness of your current emotion

Healthy perspectives on emotion

Coping with intense emotions

List of emotions

Wheel of emotions

How to overcome emotional numbness

Facing your feelings

Opposite action (mini chart)

Managing extreme emotions

What does being emotionally healthy look like?

How to keep ourselves from drowning in emotion

Soothing grounding exercise

Physical grounding exercise

Mental grounding exercise

Grounding techniques

How to make a grounding box

Grounding exercises

How to ground and center

The blog @mentalillnessmouse might be able to help more with coping with intrusive thoughts and validating!

Followers, any advice or tips for anon?

#Lee says #self doubt #validation #intrusive thoughts #faking #Anonymous #transgenderteensurvivalguide #trans #transgender

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sassyshoulderangel319 · 5 years

Text

Be Alright - A Songfic

(1,682 words) The lyrics are very loosely present... I heard this song twice on the radio today and wanted to get some angst out of my system. @jason-redhood: this is what I sent you a message about. @jason-todd-squad: I believe you wanted to be on my JT taglist? @welovegroot: because you love drama.

“Babe?” Jason called, pushing open the apartment door and setting his motorcycle helmet on the table next to the front door. “Babe, I’m home!”

Hannah was sitting at the kitchen counter with her eyes turned down. Jason looked down. She wasn’t looking at anything in particular. There was nothing on the counter or the floor.

When he looked up from the ground, he realized Hannah’s eyes were sad and brimming with tears. She refused to meet his gaze. “Babe? What’s wrong?” He reached out for her, taking one of her hands in both of his. Her hand was cold. She pulled away from him. “What’s on your mind?”

“There’s... something I have to tell you. I... I made a dumb mistake,” she said, voice breaking. She was shaking. “Those cigarettes on the counter yesterday?”

“Yeah? What about ‘em?”

“They weren’t Lizzie’s. They were Sebastian’s,” she said.

Jason took a step back, color draining from his face. Sebastian was one of Jason’s only non-vigilante friends. They’d been close since their school days at Gotham Academy. “Why... why was Sebastian here? Was I at work?”

Hannah nodded. “He... he was here because...”

Jason cast his eyes to the ground. “Nevermind,” he said. “If it takes you that long to come up with a way to say it, I already know.”

He reached up and touched her chin. She pulled back. Already moving on. Moving away from him.

“Y’know. It’s not the fact that you kissed him yesterday that hurts,” he said. “It’s the betrayal. That’s gonna be hard to shake.” He knew he needed to walk out right now or risk never leaving, but his heart desperately pleaded with him to stay. He hardened his determination and turned around.

He scooped up his helmet and left the apartment.

“Jay---”

But he pulled the door shut, cutting her off.

He ran back down to his motorcycle, yanking his phone out of his pocket. “Hey. Can you meet me at Edge? I need a DD,” he said as a familiar voice answered.

“I’ll be right there,” the voice said.

***

“So she cheated?” I said, twisting back-and-forth on the barstool at Edge of the Night---Jason’s and my go-to hangout spot when we needed to talk about our troubles.

“That’s what I love about you. Never one to mince words or pull punches,” Jason muttered, knuckles turning white around the bottle of alcohol he’d been clutching for the past five minutes while he told me what happened. “But, basically, yes.”

I nodded. “I know you love her, but it has to be over.”

“But---”

“It doesn’t matter. Put your phone away. Staring at all the texts you two have shared is just going to mess with your head. I know it’s not easy to walk away from this, but you need to let her go. It’ll be alright eventually.”

“Easy for you to say,” Jason mumbled.

“Oh so you’re the only one who’s been cheated on?” I retorted. “It’s happened to me too.”

Jason looked up at me through bloodshot eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah. Remember Dean? My boyfriend when we were on the YJ team?”

“Yeah...”

“Yup. He cheated on me. Possibly more than once. I never proved there were multiple though,” I said. “Here. Unlock your phone and hand it to me.”

“Why?” Jason challenged.

I bounced an eyebrow. “Easiest way to deal with a breakup. Block her number.”

“But---”

“Nope. Give it. I’m not deleting anything yet. That’s up to you. I’m just taking the first step.”

With a sigh, Jason passed me the phone. I opened his contacts and blocked Hannah❤️. When he wasn’t looking I also found and blocked Sebastian✌️.

“The past year will be gone when you delete your thread with her,” I said.

“We... we were together for a year,” he said, voice thick with emotion.

I took a swig of my club soda. “I know,” I said, trying for comforting. “It’s gonna hurt for a while.” I tapped his alcohol. “Bottoms up. I get the feeling you want to forget tonight.”

“You have no idea,” Jason said, immediately obeying me and downing the rest of the bottle---of which about half had been remaining.

“Wow. I didn’t mean in one go but okay,” I remarked.

Jason grunted and motioned for the bartender to give him another one. “Lookin’ rough, buddy,” the gruff, grizzled man said.

“I’m driving him home. Let him drink,” I said.

“Cheatin’ girlfriend,” Jason mumbled.

The bartender raised his wildly unkept eyebrows. “Oh. Yeah. That’ll do it.” He handed Jason a smaller glass and filled it with a brown liquid. One I recognized by color---whiskey.

“Mm,” Jason muttered, drinking the whole glass like a shot.

“Jay,” I said gently. “Eventually you’ll find another. One who deserves you and loves you. And you’ll be okay. For now it’s gonna hurt, but when you find her---or him, or them, whomever---it’ll be alright.”

Jason sniffed. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“Nothing heals the past like time,” I said.

“Or whiskey,” Jason said.

“You’ll find the love you were born to find---and no one will take that away from you. Hannah just wasn’t the one,” I continued.

He cleared his throat. “I know.”

“Just let her go. It’ll be okay.”

“Bottom’s up. Let’s forget tonight.” He downed another glass of whiskey. I’d arrived at Edge after he had, so I didn’t know how many drinks he’d had before I got there. He was, as the bartender so astutely pointed out, looking pretty rough.

I didn’t bother pointing out that I was the designated driver and therefore remembering absolutely everything that happened tonight. I was always the designated driver. My powers metabolized alcohol so fast that drinking was pointless so I’d never had any. Jason was too far gone in misery and spirits---both the alcoholic kind and the morale kind---to even think about that right now.

I used my powers to drive my car home from a distance while actually driving Jason’s motorcycle back to my apartment. It was too dark and Gotham’s cops were too useless to see that there wasn’t actually a driver in the car past the headlights. Once I parked both vehicles, I used my powers to supplement my strength as I supported Jason’s stumbling up to my apartment. He was way too out of it to even notice.

After I put a towel on my sofa in case he threw up, I plopped him down on his side so he wouldn’t choke on his own tongue. A glass of water and two mild painkillers were deposited on the coffee table for whenever he woke up.

After ensuring he was situated, I got ready for patrol, calling Bruce as I pulled my suit on.

“What?”

“Hey Bats. If you’re looking for Jason, he’s crashing at my place tonight. Hannah cheated on him. With his friend Sebastian. He didn’t take it well. He won’t be on patrol but I will be.”

“Hrn.”

“What, you’re not gonna thank me for the heads-up?”

“Thank you, Starbeam.”

“You’re welcome, Batman. I’ll see you on patrol.”

“Unlikely. If you did I wouldn’t be doing my job correctly.”

“Fair enough. Be extra-nice to Jason for the next little while. Bye.” I hung up, zipped up my suit, and got ready to swan dive out of my apartment.

***

When Jason came to, the soothing scent of coconut filled his nose. Along with something citrusy that might have been grapefruit. His head was throbbing and his mouth was dry.

He peeled his eyes open.

The apartment wasn’t his---and Hannah’s. But he recognized it.

Starbeam’s.

“Headache,” he mumbled.

“Coffee table,” he heard a familiar voice say.

He sat up---trying to keep his head from throbbing or spinning harder---to see Starbeam in her kitchen, loosely clad in pajamas with wet hair hanging down her back. He turned to the coffee table to see that she’d placed two painkillers and a glass of water on it.

“Thanks,” he said, downing all of it. “How long was I out?”

She glanced at the clock on her stove. “Oh wow. Nearly twelve hours. So a decent night for you.”

“No wonder I feel sluggish.”

“Jay, I need you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“I need you to promise me that you won’t self-destruct over this,” she said.

“Hmph.”

“Jason Peter Todd. Promise me.”

“Promise.”

“Good. You’re going to meet someone who really deserves you, and you have to be ready to accept that person when you do. You can’t spiral down.”

“You said everyone gets cheated on.”

“No, I said you’re not the only one. It always sucks and no one deserves to be cheated on, but I can’t let you destroy yourself over this. Speaking of: you’re not going back to that apartment. I’m gonna go get your stuff.”

“Where am I gonna go, then?”

“You’re welcome to stay here until you figure something else out.” She strolled over with a plate of toast in each hand, passing one to him. The scent of coconut was clinging to her---as was the grapefruit. “I told Bruce you were staying here for the night so don’t be surprised if he calls soon.”

“Great,” Jason muttered.

She glanced at him through her damp hair, that had fallen over her shoulder while she ate her breakfast. “He wants what’s best for you too. His priorities are just a little skewed,” she remarked, taking a bite of toast to punctuate her point.

“That’s an understatement,” Jason muttered.

“So, you wanna stay here?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Just get your head together,” she said. “Give it time to hurt, and then you’ll be alright, okay?”

“Promise?”

“Please. When have I ever been wrong?” she teased. “But, yes. I promise that eventually you’ll feel better. You just have to give it time. The best way to move past feelings is to actually feel them first. And cry. Crying helps regulate the chemicals in your brain. It’s why you feel so normal and stable after a good cry. All the excessive emotion chemicals were washed out with your tears.”

Jason stared at her. “Nerd,” he said.

***

I smiled. He was feeling better already.

#Jason Todd #Jason Todd imagine #Jason Todd FanFiction #Red Hood #Red Hood Imagine #Red Hood FanFiction #DC #BatFam

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the-darklings · 6 years

Text

earth is warmer when you laugh [6];

pairing: connor x reader

chapter summary: “You’re not my Connor.”

word count: 3.2k+

a/n: Boy do I feel like I’ve come a long way. I published Part 1 about two months ago, but life has changed so much since then. I turned another year older, my family purchased our forever home, and I have all of you wonderful readers with me now. I love you all so much! You honestly have no idea how much your support has helped me through some tough times. This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful @ilikecheesecakeforbreakfast who created some incredible fanart (and composed a song) for the previous chapter and this story in general. Also to @gilly-jilly for being amazing and writing their own version of the “reunion”. Hope mine doesn’t disappoint. Enjoy!

— — —

“You’ve reached Steph! You know what to do after the beep!”

You hesitated for a long moment, a heavy weight sitting on your chest, “S-Steph? Please... I need you. I-I need my friend. Please Steph, please...”

You tried to say more but before you could, a loud beep cut you off, freezing the words in your mouth. The phone between your fingers felt so heavy, you allowed it to slide from your numb hand and onto the floor noisily.

Steph had teased you about it. Using an old, outdated phone when communication was so easy nowadays. You wondered what she would say now —if she still saw you using it—wondered if she would tease you again or if she would be angry like she was the last time you saw her.

“How much does it hurt (Name)?” the memory of her furious face, and bitter words pierced you. “How much does it hurt? Not enough, never enough. It will never be enough.”

You curled into yourself, pressing your forehead harshly against your knees. Your apartment felt cold, hollow almost, but you couldn't find the strength to stand and move. Couldn't even find the will to go and wash your hands.

It felt too final. Like if you washed whatever traces of Connor that still lingered on your skin, your friend would truly be lost forever.

Friend, friend, friend.

Steph, Connor.

Some hateful voice deep inside of you almost sang with glee.

You’re very good at losing those, aren’t you?

— — — —

“Are you well Miss (Name)?”

Those words were spoken in the usual, unchanging monotone, but the subtle weight behind them made you freeze. Your tired, weary gaze looked towards Bob who was sitting behind the reception desk, face the customary blank canvas as he stared at you unblinkingly. His LED was still and unmoving, and there was nothing on his face that would suggest he was affected by your appearance, but you still couldn't force any words out.

You were so used to telling people you were fine, and good, thank you for asking so much better now. But this was different. There was no judgement, or anger, or pity in Bob’s eyes, just a subtle sort of slant in his silent regard. Your grip on the counter tightened and for a long moment, you couldn't think at all.

The station was quiet this early in the morning, and you noticed the night-shift officers still prowling the peaceful hallways. Truthfully, you could tell Bob everything if you wanted to. No one would be able to hear you, and it would be so much easier to pour your heart out to a kind, unjudging face.

“I’m fine, thank you,” you muttered weakly instead, the words sliding down your throat like acid; harsh and stinging.

Bob stared blankly at you, his head slightly tilted to one side. The gesture stung so deeply, you immediately looked away. Because even though it was so very different in execution, it reminded you too much of Connor.

Blue blood.

Dead eyes.

“How much does it hurt (Name)?”

“Not enough,” you whispered, and felt the punishing truth of those words settle in your heart.

“Miss (Name), if I may, I have over a hundred comfort principles installed in my program,” Bob spoke suddenly, breaking your reverie with his bland words. “You may use them any time you need.”

A smile—weak and off-kilter—tugged your lips upwards, and you rubbed the heel of your palm over your sore eyes for a moment. You felt the sting of friction and ignored it, taking a moment to look at Bob’s face as he examined you in return.

“Thank you, Bob,” you finally replied weakly, even though his words made you want to cry. Except, of course, you didn’t think you were capable of shedding any more tears after yesterday. “I will keep your offer in mind.”

The android did not reply, simply inclining his head marginally in your direction as if accepting your words. Your bleak smile quivered for a moment but you caught yourself before your emotions overwhelmed you again, and moved away from the desk with hurry.

You gave the android a cursory wave, not trusting your voice to provide an adequate farewell. Gripping your bag harshly between your fingers, you walked hastily further into the station, ignoring few startled looks that were sent your way by fellow officers.

They knew, or have already heard about what happened last night.

You didn’t want them to look at you, to judge you for mourning a friend. You wanted to hide away somewhere where you knew you would be safe from prying eyes.

The thought hit you so suddenly you stopped dead in your tracks.

There was only one such place.

— — — —

One, two, three...pause...one, two, three…

The click of the empty gun hit your ears twice before you finally lowered it in frustration. The paper target before you looked torn and ruined as you harshly tugged the headphones off your head. The holes were littered all over the large space, most missing important targets like heart or head.

(“You’re a good shot, for a human—”)

“Stop,” you hissed angrily, practically ripping the empty clip out, your fingers shaking. A heavy, poignant weight sat in your heart as you breathed deeply, biting your lip in mute despair. That invisible weight scratched its way across your very soul, biting and tearing; practically burning you from inside out. You had known this pain once before—only once—and you weren't sure if you could bear to feel it again.

Not again, not so soon.

Lifting your hand again, you turned your wrist marginally to one side, gritting your teeth together in concentration.

You were strong.

You were a highly trained individual who had a job to do.

Pain, like all things, would come to pass eventually. You knew that.

And you had your life to get on with.

Bang.

The shot hit with terrible accuracy, piercing right through the middle of the target. You stared at the bulls-eye with a mix of anger and sadness in your heart. It was like you could feel Connor beside you; a soothing, calm presence that had stood by your side when he showed you the correct technique in the first place.

“It’s good to see you applying my suggestions to your technique (Name),” his smooth voice remarked from behind you and you exhaled slowly, closing your eyes as your arm lowered. “If you like, I could show you a few more tactics when we have free time.”

“Why would you be so cruel?” you whispered, squeezing your eyes shut tightly.

“(Name)?”

You shook your head, “It’s never enough. I know that. No matter how much it hurts, it’s not enough. But not you, please not you too.”

You felt a weight settle against your shoulder; steady and cautious, so very gentle too, as if there was some unspoken fear of hurting you. “(Name)?”

You jerked away from the cooler touch, your eyes flying open at the insistent, cautious tone. Turning around in trepidation, you felt your breath halt in your lungs, squeezing tighter and tighter as you stared at Connor’s face.

He was the same as you remembered him—a distant, divine star that made you envious of the night sky for having him.

The familiar dip of his chin, the curve of his mouth and the richness of his eyes as they looked at you unfathomably with something. Perhaps worry, perhaps relief, or perhaps you were simply hallucinating what you so fiercely desired to see.

“You’re not real,” you breathed falteringly, your words rigid and throat dry. “You’re not real. I saw you d-die. You died. I held you—I—”

A firm hand landed on your shoulder again—his hand; real, solid, alive—and you almost felt the bones in your shoulder cave in, and your skin blister as his brows drew together. It was a tight, confused line that made his expression appear more severe, near unforgiving if it wasn’t for the gentleness of his touch.

“(Name), your vitals are worryingly high,” he spoke formally, steadying you as you tried to jerk away. “If you do not regulate your breathing in the next 30 seconds, you will experience a panic attack. Breathe, (Name), breathe,” he added, a little softer but still with enough command in his voice that you couldn't help but obey.

Your lungs ached but mouthful by mouthful, you forced more air into them. The pressure building against your temple eased, and you didn’t realise how close you and Connor were standing till your shaking fingers reached forward to brush against his forearm hesitantly.

“I must apologise, I sought you and Lieutenant out the moment I arrived,” Connor explained, voice quiet and smooth as if terrified of scaring you away. “I thought that it would be better if I explained the situation myself. My replacement was dispatched the moment—”

Your arms wrapped around him so fiercely, you felt Connor lean back slightly from the impact of your bodies colliding.

And it was the sensation. The feeling of the solid, warm mass of him, the scratch of his jacket against your cheek that woke you up, made you bleed with the realisation that—

“You’re alive.”

Connor was still for a long moment, a stiffness to his entire frame that would have made the contact between you awkward under different circumstances. But your arms were around him in an unbreakable grip as you pressed yourself so tightly against him, it almost hurt. “I do believe another apology is in order (Name). I did not realise that the demise of my predecessor would cause you such distress.”

Breathing deeply through your parted lips, you almost jumped when you felt a hand settle tentatively on your lower back. Awkward, unsure.

“You’re alive,” you murmured vacantly again, your hands still trembling.

Connor shifted ever so slightly, “(Name), you know better than that. I am not, in fact, alive. I’m simply—”

“Alive,” you cut in, harshly, shakily. “You’re here, and you’re alive.”

The hand on your lower back tensed against your skin briefly before you felt him shift again, his words brushing against the top of your head as he leaned down.

“Yes, (Name), I’m here. I’m here.”

— — — —

“So...how does it work?”

A busy cafe was probably not the best place for this type of conversation, but it was the closest you could find near the station. It supposedly served some pretty good coffee too.

You hadn’t realised that it was almost lunchtime until Connor led you out from the target range, scanning your identity card against the electronic reader. It was impossible to not glance at him every few seconds. Impossible not to feel the exhilaration each time you saw him, and it hit you again that he was truly and wholly alive.

Real.

Connor, in turn, was quiet, almost perturbed as he gazed thoughtfully out of the window. His indicator was a peaceful blue but there was an underlying tension on his face when he finally turned to you.

“What happened with the deviant yesterday was both unexpected and unpleasant,” he began stiffly, hands clasped together, and you felt uncomfortable with the stringent way he addressed you. Like a stranger. “When a Connor model is destroyed, CyberLife dispatches a new one to take its place. I understand that it must be an unpleasant thought for you, but I hope that it will not hinder our work together.”

You swallowed feebly, breaking your gaze as you glanced outside, and towards the busy street, “So you’re not my Connor,” you voiced softly, resignedly, the happiness in your chest fading just a little.

A replacement, and nothing more.

Replaced like one might replace a broken toy.

He was not the Connor who showed you his coin tricks, Connor who spent long nights sorting through endless case files with you, the one who made you laugh on daily basis and saved your life.

Not your friend.

Just a—

“I didn’t forget you,” he said, his words catching your attention as your gaze turned back to him. “When my predecessor was destroyed, it uploaded its memory. For me...it feels like I’ve simply been asleep, but everything we’ve been through together still happened (Name). I did not, however, foresee you caring so much that it would have a negative impact on your wellbeing.”

“Of course I care,” you snapped grimly, your breath hitching. “You—You’re my friend Connor. Of course, I care.”

Connor’s expression smoothed; the furrow of his brows easing and it was almost comical to see gentleness bleed back into his expression as he shifted unsurely, looking almost taken aback by your words.

A flare of amber against his temple, and he frowned slightly. “Oh. I see,” was his soft, hushed reply. “Had I known you regarded our relation as such, I would have updated my social protocols to reflect it. Last entry is marked as ‘partners’ I believe.”

A weak, relieved laugh escaped your parted lips, and it felt good to feel that amber of joy nested against your heart again. “You really haven’t changed, huh? You’re still you. Still Connor.”

He was looking at you again. Looking with that subtle, probing look that stripped you of your armour, stripped you of any defensive shield you could throw up. It was so unnerving to feel yourself being emptied piece by piece.

For a being that kept insisting he was not human, Connor was surprisingly good at decoding them.

“You’re unwell.”

Blinking, you forced a strangled laugh, patting your cheek lightly, “Wow, tell me what you really think Connor. I didn’t exactly sleep well last night,” you informed him with a worn smile.

But he didn’t smile, didn’t so much as blink as he peered at you severely. “I did not mean physically unwell, although your blood sugar levels are below the advisable threshold. I mean that you are unwell...inside...and I’m afraid I do not know how to proceed since I know nothing of such matters. But as your friend, I have an obligation to try and help.”

“A good friend makes you feel like they see right into you, and even though they find all the bad bits, they still love you for you. Just like us!”

Steph.

There was warmth inside you that brimmed the longer you looked at Connor’s inquisitive eyes.

“Don’t ever change Connor,” you said finally with a genuine twitch of your lips, and Connor’s head lowered in confusion from the ambiguity of your words. “I know it’s probably your programming making you say this or whatever, but...just never change, okay?”

“Change...is against my programming (Name).”

A long beat of quiet followed his words as you regarded each other tersely.

“Wait, I just realised,” you spoke up suddenly, breaking the peaceful quiet as you leaned towards him suddenly. Connor froze, blinking from the quickness of the motion but did not otherwise react. “If there’s more of you out there...does that mean CyberLife just has a room full of Connors stashed away somewhere?”

“While I have not seen this type of space myself,” Connor replied evenly. “I can only assume that something of similar effect is in place, yes.”

There was a stretch of silence between you again, the lively cafe setting filling the stillness in-between as you tried to find the best way to phrase your next question.

“Does that make you sad? I know you say you’re a machine that feels nothing but—”

Connor’s eyes narrowed; first, in confusion, then realisation as his lips moved into a taut line. “Why would that make me sad (Name)? I hold no attachment to my bodies. I am merely a tool to be used as CyberLife deems fit.”

You smiled painfully at him. “Because it breaks my heart when I think about my friend being used like that.”

Connor pushed back sharply, and you jumped at the forceful way his back met the seat behind him. For a brief, terrifying second there was such bright red burning through his indicator you felt your eyes widen in shock, but it was gone in a blink. The wild burn in his eyes settled like a sea after a storm, and then he was at ease again. Calm.

“Con?”

Worry seeped into the careful way you said his name, and his answering impassiveness was almost unsettling.

“We should return to the station (Name), Lieutenant is unlikely to be pleased if we’re late,” he stated calmly, rising from the booth first. He reached forward, offering his arm, “Shall we?”

You rose from your seat without taking his hand, your gaze searching as you gazed up at him with concern. Connor’s head dipped slenderly, and you vaguely wondered if he realised how graceful he sometimes was for a cold, unfeeling machine. He moved first, turning away as he stepped towards the door, and your hand jerked forward on instinct.

Don’t let him walk away from you.

Your fingers gripped the back of his jacket rigidly, stopping him dead in his tracks. He didn’t turn around, and you were happy to stare at the back of his head when you spoke demurely, “I’m really glad you’re back Connor.”

You held on for another few seconds before you let go, your fingers hesitant as you ignored the rigid slope of his shoulders.

You brushed past him hurriedly, and didn’t let him see your crestfallen expression when he followed behind you silently.

— — — —

There was a crowd around your desk.

Stumbling to a halt, you felt Connor’s arm brush against yours as he stopped beside you as well. Officers milled around the space, all talking loudly and pointing as your eyes sought out the familiar, weathered face of Hank.

The older man looked ready to tear off heads. He stormed around, snapping at anyone who tried broaching questions.

Naturally, that was the exact moment he spotted you. His expression looked murderous as he stalked towards you briskly. Shooting Connor a withering look as he came to a stop before you, he looked over your appearance once before glaring at Connor again.

That told you everything you needed to know about how well their little reunion went.

“Where the fuck have ya’ been?”

“Uh, lunch,” you replied shortly, trying to look over his shoulder. “What is going on?”

There were footsteps behind you, and you almost cringed at the voice that registered in your ears, “You two idiots just had to get into trouble, didn’t you?”

“Gavin,” you greeted with fake cheer. “To what do I owe this pleasure? Here to fulfil your daily asshole rota?”

The man scoffed, giving you a lazy sneer, “I have no issues with you, sweetheart, besides your poor taste in company,” he said, casting a harsh glare Connor’s way who was like an unmoving statue beside you. He glared at the android darkly for a moment before glancing at you again. “You look like shit by the way.”

“Bite me, egomaniac.”

“Enough!” Hank snapped, glancing between you three. “Come along. And I hope you have some answers for me, kid.”

You obediently followed Hank as he led you towards your desk. Noticing your approach, other officers cleared a path for you before Hank stopped in front of the desk you shared with Connor.

“This was addressed to you,” Hank said, glancing at the object on your desk.

You moved towards the box and Connor was beside you immediately, expression hard as you both looked inside at the same time.

Sitting inside, bundled in a white towel was a severed android hand, soaking the fluffy material in bright blue blood.

Next to it, pinned by a familiar, sleek black arrow was a note:

FOLLOW THE TRAIL

———

an: “it’s been 84 years..” thank you so much for reading guys! sorry this wasn’t a giant 6k+ you probably expected lol but when I outlined the story (fully outlined for those of you who may not know!) this ended up being a transition chapter since we have another original case next time! Hope you guys are excited! I also hope you guys enjoyed the reunion ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

As always, I love you all more than anything (apart from Connor but heyyy..) and thank you so much for your continued support. It means the world!!

LOVELY PEOPLE I ❤️:

@katherineschild @dpslover4life-blog @ceylon-morphe286 @in-a-cupboard-under-some-stairs @ayamecrevan @snooper1 @emmygreen817 @kats2art @fandompotato24-7 @flyingfiremelon @dej-okay @saiiven @kdmpthenerd @arcana-eskallion @unknown-jpg @anseo11 @allheart36 @nomorepumpkin @melissalovesmusicyay @prancing-through-the-rain @tyraneya @tea-with-loki @londonlovinglinguist @meanwhilesmiley @marss-anonymous @significant-annoyancee @shipping-land-hlp @lunar-r-bryce @zarekii-chan @zeddlocket @bookworrm1999 @anxiousklutz @wonders-of-the-multiverse @paradox-brody-chase @fandoms4everyone @trustmeimawhalebiologist @deviantconnorarmy @sweetdayme4427 @positivity227 @trashofthelowestkind @madammarkiplier @super-flamin-hot-cheetos @a-song-of-obsession-and-insanity @generallyuglyduckling @dixie-chick @lady-songstress @binxi1031 @krazykendraisnotinsane @drastically-here @winter-orchid @guardianoftheunderratedthings @the-ordinarylady @my-dark-happy-place @awfully-tired @nightismyname @stainedbubbles @satansladydoor @arkium @squeakthemonkey @losersunitetonight @chocolattaee @assonanceambiance @levina-h @underagetigerdrinker @mynahx3 @chairokuno @pickelope @pota-kun @shadows-echoes @turnmeupside @beesinmyenvelopes @negans-angel-acerk800 @moonbri @almostelegantfire @valiantelk @zarekii-chan @urban-eagle @thecrazybluefangirl @thedetectiveinthephonebooth @violetdream13 @fangirlbitch02 @ragidi @gentledreaming @21putnamp @mynameisgabrielle @glitch-girl318 @elaneth-elf-friend @moosythemoose @omnastar365 @leeeggggsssssss @badassbeckettswan @ultra-violet-starlite @morganster0730 @connorfixinghistie @ conwhore800 @ sebatmanstan @ frodoswaggins @ team-wang-puppy @ royalbluehues @ eccentrically-expressive @ omelys-space @ a-typical-antisocial-fangirl @ belleknows @ nissistylinson @random-stupid-stuffs @feminist-violinist @ask-prototype-twins @calumstuffs @onceuponagleepottermindlock @xthefuckerysquaredx @swordsandserpents @aya-fay @itsjustahuman @sariasardonica @i-do-wat-i-want @br33zy-creations @hlesssamanta @oliolioxiclean @shadows-echoes @rk800isprettydangattractive @honeybeelily @wiltedcupidboi @simplysaying @jamieanimemachine @superanonymousreader @mr-robot-x @sherlockspie @stalecarb @teigra @drmsqnc @layinglonely @gayoats @sweet-fate @certainsoultaco @wolfmothar @avispate @nanameni @samantha-loves-anime @bithepowerofgay @whomthehellisbucky @haurchii @starrypecas @beautifulsilvermarch @rose-01 @mldivers @sujuvixxo @belleknows

#connor x reader #dbh connor #dbh connor x reader #dbh fanfic #dbh fanfiction #connor rk800 #connor rk800 x reader #dbh rk800 #dbh rk800 x reader #dbh connor rk800 #detroit become human #detroit become human x reader #detroit become human fic #fic: eiwwyl #I MISSED THIS FIC SO MUCH AHHH #HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNOR MY BABY BOI

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regulusirius · 6 years

Text

Emotions

Masterlist

Written for @bionic-buckyb‘s 8k angst writing challenge prompt #13

plot: She can feel everyone’s emotions and lets the entire team open up to her, but for some reason she cannot do the same.

pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

word count: about 2k

warning: angst, a bit of fluff, language

prompt: “How are you doing?”

“I feel like there might be more pressing matters right now.”

She was curled up on the sofa, every morning when Bucky walked into the spacious kitchen in the Avengers compound that is where he found her. Y/N was underneath a large pile of warm blankets, coffee in hand, during breakfast always choosing it sit alone. He watched as she wrapped her hands around the warm maroon mug, staring aimlessly at the television in front of her.

“Pancakes,” Sam’s question brought Bucky’s attention back to the breakfast his friend was making and away from Y/N.

“Oh, sure,” he looked up to see Steve walking into the kitchen, “morning,” he told his friend before once again looking down at his pancakes.

Steve sat down besides Bucky, grabbing a plate of pancakes from Sam for himself, to meet Bucky’s curious eyes that were glancing over to Y/N.

“You could just go talk to her Buck, I don’t think she bits,” Steve chuckled as Bucky’s eyes turned to him in a glare.

“Why do you think she sits by herself,” Bucky asked as Sam joined them.

“She doesn’t want to sit next to your mopey ass,” Sam snickered earning him a shove from Bucky, “I don’t know man; she’s new and probably isn’t comfortable around us yet.”

New could only be used lightly at this point. Y/N had joined the team over a year ago, but it seemed like she had only been on the team for a few weeks. After all this time, the rest of the Avengers hardly knew anything about her besides what was in her file, which was not very much. After Steve and Tony found her in an abandoned Hydra base, she tended to stay on her own; sure, she hung out with the rest of the team when necessary, but never really shared much.

“I don’t know, I feel like even I was a little bit more open than she’s been,” he glanced over to her once again.

“We can’t push her Buck; we don’t really know what she’s been through,” Steve looked to the former Winter Soldier and back towards Y/N, “she just needs more time.”

“I guess I just don’t want her to feel alone, it doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“Hey Y/N,” Sam shouted across the room, “you want to go spar?”

“Sure,” she smiled, “if you’re up for that,” walked past him towards the gym.

“Your empath powers can’t take me down and you know it,” he looked towards the two men after she had walked out of the room, “what he said no one wants to feel alone.”

Of course, things did not change, even though Sam thought he was helping the situation with his spontaneous training sessions and movie nights, Bucky continue to see Y/N helping out the entire team, but staying quiet herself. He noticed as she held Wanda’s hand on the anniversary of Pietro’s death, filling Wanda’s mind with joy and memories of the good times that her and Pietro had. He was drinking coffee in the kitchen when he noticed Y/N soothing Tony’s anxiety through the see through walls of the compound. She had even gotten around to caring for him after one of his many nightmares.

“Why do you do this,” he asked her once after his breathing began to regulate.

“What do you mean,” she looked up at him, dropping her hands from his.

“You wake up in the middle of the night to help me, why” Bucky looked up at her meeting her eyes.

“Well I’m not going to just sleep while I have the power to help you.”

He smiled at her, “Well thanks again.”

“And like I say every time it’s not a problem,” she rubbed her tired eyes.

“Are you okay? You can’t keep taking care of all of and not yourself,” he looked towards Y/N, her black hair now obscuring her face.

“Now you’re not one to talk Mr. ‘I don’t think I’m worth all this,’” she smirked avoiding his glance.

“I’m being serious you know, you can talk to us, talk to me,” he sat up watching her rise from his bed moving towards the door.

She laughed avoiding his statement, “night Bucky.”

Y/N continued to avoid questions like those, but Bucky continued to ask them. He hoped that somehow he would be able to break the wall that Y/N had built around herself. Bucky got close, with the two turning, their late night run-ins into midnight snacks, and Bucky joining her for her early morning jogs. She began to open up ever so slightly to him over the next few months, but he feared all this progress would be forgotten when he walked into a standard mission briefing.

The team had their to the conference hall, to see Tony standing in front of the large screen, right away he recognized the building that was being shown. It was the same Hydra facility that the team had rescued Y/N from last year.

“Is that-,” Wanda wondered aloud before Tony cut her off.

“Yes,” Tony’s eyes met Y/N’s, “we have reason to believe that have started using this facility again kid. But, we got it covered; you don’t have to come-,”

“No,” Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, attempting to stop herself from shaking, “I want to come. I need to.”

“Are you sure,” Steve broke the silence in the room, “It’s probably going to bring back some not so great memories.”

“I’ll be fine,” her eyes staring at her lap for the remainder of the briefing, Bucky glancing over to her every few moments hoping that her eyes would met his, so he could somehow help her.

As soon as the meeting was over, Y/N quickly rushed out of the conference room, Bucky quick on her tail. He followed her onto the quinjet, finally catching up to her as she was viewing the mission plans.

“How are you doing,” Y/N, looked up, her Y/E/C eyes meeting his blue ones.

“I feel like there might be more pressing matters right now,” she said quickly not meeting his glance and continued to view the layout of the facility they were going to infiltrate.

“Are you sure you-“

“Buck I said I’m fine okay,” she looked at his for a moment before moving towards to the armory to get her guns.

Of course, it was not okay, but she fought through it avoiding every punch and every bullet, until she caught in the corner of her eye someone sneaking up on Bucky. She quickly crossed the room pushing him with all her strength out of the way.

“Y/N what the hell,” Bucky looked down seeing Y/N gripping her right arm.

“What, someone has to look out of you,” she smirked through the pain gripping her arm tighter.

“Steve do you guys have this covered, I need to take Y/N back to the jet, she got shot,” Bucky said through the coms, picking her up in his arms.

“Yea Buck we are fine, just make sure she’s okay,” Bucky raced them through the cross fire, blocking bullets with his metal arm every few moments. As soon as they got onto the jet, he quickly placed Y/N onto the table assessing her arm.

“Bucky I’m fine, honestly this is not a big deal. Let me get back out there,” she began to pull her arm away from him.

He glared at her, “no you are not, you got shot you wouldn’t even be able to shoot a gun like this,” he began to bandage her arm.

“You and Steve get shot all the time and still fight.”

“Yea and we have the ability to heal faster than you. Which is why I don’t understand why you pushed me out of the way.”

“Can you super heal your brain,” she looked up at him, “because that’s where he was aiming and I wasn’t just going to just stand there.”

They sat in silence for some time, Bucky wrapping Y/N’s arm as she rolled her eyes at him until Bucky decided to speak up, “How’s your arm feeling, are you okay?”

“Can we just get back there Bucky, the team needs us,” she began to rise from the table.

“No Y/N you’re not going back out there. Now, how are you feeling?”

“Buck-“

“God Y/N,” Bucky interrupted her, “for someone who is able literally see someone’s emotions you aren’t really great at showing everyone else’s yours,” he shouted.

“Well maybe because I don’t want to,” Y/N screamed back, tears forming around her eyes, “maybe because I know that you are not supposed to get too close, that it’s easier when someone leaves or dies if you hardly knew them.”

He took a step back, breathing heavily, staring at her in front of him shocked by her words, “Y/N no one is leaving you and we’ll damn well make sure no who is going to die-“

“You can’t know that,” she interrupted him, wiping the tears quickly away from her face, “it always happens, everyone who I get close to always leaves.”

“Hey look at me,” he walked closer to her placing his hands onto her shoulders attempting to calm her down, “you can’t live your life running, afraid to let people in. You can’t live like that, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work out. There’s always someone out there who’s going to be looking for you,” he told her softly.

Y/N glanced up at him, “That’s different, you have Steve. You two and your ‘I’m with you till the end of the line’ bullshit. If I would disappear, no one would come looking, it’s easier like that anyway.”

“What are you talking about? You have a whole team of people here who would search the ends of the Earth for you. Everyone here cares so much about you,” he took a deep breath looking down into her grey eyes, “I care so much about you, and if you disappeared I don’t know what I’d do.”

Y/N shook her head, “You’re just trying to calm me down so you can go back and help the rest of the team out.”

Bucky placed his hand into hers, “Tell me what I’m feeling if you don’t believe me.”

She rolled her eyes concentrated on the sensation tingling through his fingers into hers and the aura around his tall muscular body, “You are worried, a bit angry and fearful. You are concerned and, um, feeling a strong sense of love for someone,” she avoided his glace as another tear dripped from her eye.

“Y/N I care so much about you, you need to see that,” he cupped her checks pulling her closer to him.

“I, I won’t be able to deal with losing someone else,” Y/N met his glistening eyes, searching for any sense that he could be lying.

“I promise you doll, I’m not going anywhere,” with that his held her closely in his arms and for the first time in a while it seemed that it be all right.

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alivinghopes · 3 years

Text

Emotional Numbness

Weekly Discussion

At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:

“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”

While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.

If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.

If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.

And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.

So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.

What is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.

Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders.

Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).

The Danger of Emotional Numbness

If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.

Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.

The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.

As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.

The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind). In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.

Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?

I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.

13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness

Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism. “What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.

Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:

Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions

Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)

Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)

Living on autopilot

Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable

Feeling distant from others

The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members

Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)

Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)

Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion

Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough

Feeling empty inside

Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”

In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately.

How to Overcome Emotional Numbness?

Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.

If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counselling services online).

For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:

Anchor yourself to your body. As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body. I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.

Deep breathing. Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.

Keep a journal of sad thoughts. I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress). In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting). Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Always try to finish your sad thought journaling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on YouTube or Netflix.

Catharsis (let it all out, baby!). When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or dynamic meditation. Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).

Yoga and self-massage. Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart. The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).

Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof). Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.

Take care of your inner child. As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.

Dedicate space and time to feeling. In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.

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Emotional Numbness Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:

What causes emotional detachment?

The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).

Can numbness be a sign of anxiety?

Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.

How to fix emotional numbness?

To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counsellor can provide.

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publichealthcare99 · 3 years

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Tips For Dealing With Bad Anxiety Issues

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Tips For Dealing With Bad Anxiety Issues

Anxiety can have a negative influence on the strongest of people. It does not discriminate against anyone, and the consequence of it can devastate a life. If you are living with anxiety, the following article will provide you with some helpful advice on how to face and overcome it.

Tips For Dealing With Bad Anxiety Issues

When anxiety is getting the better of you, get some exercise. Exercise boosts levels of brain chemicals like serotonin, and dopamine, which help you feel happier and more relaxed. Physical activity can also be a great stress-reliever, and reducing your stress can certainly have positive impacts on your anxiety levels.

Choose a calming mantra that you can repeat to yourself when you feel anxious. Short, simple phrases work best, although some people prefer to chant a soothing sound. Select a mantra that is personally meaningful and that you can recall quickly. Repeat the mantra as often as needed, either in your head or out loud, if you are alone.

When you wake up in the morning, take a multivitamin to help reduce your stress level as the day wears on. Multivitamins contain a lot of valuable nutrients that can help to create a balance in your body and transport the necessary minerals to the areas that need it the most.

Set goals for yourself daily. If you set a goal for yourself everyday, your mind will be focused on it. Your mind will stay occupied, and you will be able to steer clear of negative emotions which can be a source of anxiety.

One of the things that you should aim for each day is at least eight hours of sleep. This helps a great deal in reducing anxiety, as it will give your body the ability to recuperate from all of the stress and tension that you put on it as the day wares on.

To conquer any situation in which anxiety rears its head in a seemingly debilitating manner, do your best to characterize the situation you are facing as something far more positive than you ordinarily might. By viewing a stressful situation as a valuable opportunity to gain personal strength, you will find it far easier to handle than it would ordinarily have been.

Don’t bottle in all the troubles, talk to someone! Keeping feelings bottled up will make things worse. Releasing your feelings can really reduce your anxiety and make you feel a lot better.

Don’t let yourself sit all day. If you sit a lot at work, move around and get exercise on breaks. It is also good to stand up once in a while. When you are at home, keep moving, exercise or take walks. Also, spend less time watching TV and sitting around on the couch. It is good to rest, but a large quantity of it can make you feel more anxious.

Exercise is a great way to reduce your anxiety. When you work up a sweat at the gym or outdoors you just feel better about yourself. The more you get in shape, the less anxiety you’re prone to have as well. Consult with a doctor to see if your body can take some exercise, and then, get to it.

Do not fear seeking medical advice for facing your anxiety. Just the thought of seeking a professional opinion, can be another source of anxiety. Don’t let this happen to you. Anxiety is often a medical condition that can be solved with the right information and treatment. Relax and make the appointment.

Reduce the anxiety in your life by learning to say no to situations that cause you stress. There is no reason to feel that you must be available to fulfill every request that is asked of you. Learn not to accept responsibility for more than you are able to handle comfortably.

The best way to deal with anxiety is to learn how to minimize it. Many people do this through deep breathing methods. This is a great way to learn how to control your own emotions and bring a level of balance into your life, while improving your mind.

Don’t hang out around people that you know are going to make you stressed. For instance, if your friend is always negative, it’s probably best to avoid him. Folks like this just stress you out, making your anxiety worse than before.

Write a letter to your greatest fear about why you are so worried about it. Be sure to write exactly why it is making you feel that way and how it is affecting you. Now write a hate letter to your greatest anxiety, then battle it through the letter and dismiss it!

Perhaps the most important step with dealing with anxiety is admitting that you have a problem. Once you admit to yourself that you have an issue with anxiety, you can put yourself in a mindset where you are prepared to deal with it. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Always remember that with your struggles with anxiety, you are not alone. Just browse over the numerous supplements available at your local retailer, and you can know that millions of folks also are afflicted. So, keep in mind that you aren’t alone in your suffering, and know that there are many ways to eradicate anxiety from your life for good.

Regulate your sleep schedule. Are you getting enough sleep? Too much? Many people don’t realize the importance of sleep to the way that they function. Sleep is your body’s chance to recharge, energize and deal with your emotions. If you’re getting too much sleep, set an alarm and make yourself get out of bed. If you are not getting enough sleep, try talking to your doctor about options for sleep medication.

As stated earlier, anxiety can get its grip on anyone from any walk of life. Hopefully, this article has offered you some useful information you can apply to your own circumstances and use to live a happier life with less fear and anxiety and more productivity and freedom, as everyone deserves to.

#admitting that you have a problem #Bad Anxiety Issues #Don't bottle in all the troubles #get some exercise #learn how to minimize it #reducing anxiety #Regulate your sleep schedule #Relax and make the appointment #Set goals for yourself daily #take a multivitamin to help reduce your stress level #your struggles with anxiety

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