#why are these one always longer it feels like i’m justifying myself

[lunanoc]

For the ship thing, Liu Sang/Wang Can our of curiosity

anon i think you want to watch the world burn

disclaimer heads up once again that these are all 100% my personal feelings and not moral accusations of any kind, so if you happen to like this ship that’s your business and my opinion means nothing. that being said, fair warning, this isn’t going to be positive

so yeah i uh. intensely dislike this i’m not sure anyone’s surprised and there’s vaguely lore as to why that i’m not going to get into excessively, but the tldr of it is basically in two (ish) parts.

the first is that strictly coming at it from canon, independently of what your canon of choice is, this ship is wonky at best. and yes, i know, not everyone cares about that, and i’m not saying it’s completely impossible because AUs/canon divergences exist for a reason, but that’s point number one. i’m not even going to get into the fact that wang can, who’s very much a blip both in sha hai the book and sha hai the drama, di es in both which makes things even more impossible unless you redact that. then there’s simply the circumstances factor. the only way in which i could see this potentially being remotely possible in a canon setting is if you infer that liu sang’s association with tudian means that if tudian had extensive contact with the wangs, they might have crossed paths at some point. but given how little we know about tudian and his everything, it’s speculation, but it’s not impossible so there’s a window there i guess. and you’d also have to assume liu sang, who re: restart the book was born in the 90s, was born in the earlier half of the decade because otherwise he’d have been a bit young: not so much in general, because though that’s a topic for another discussion people do ship wu xie and li cu, more in relation to the popular fanon surrounding the liu sang/wang can ship which i’ll get to in a bit. as for how they’d work even if you filled in all those conditions? to be honest i’ve never thought about it extensively, but i don’t that we really get enough of wang can as a character to be able to pin him as more than a highly driven wang operative, and as for liu sang, given his general approach to most people and things, i can only really picture this in a ‘what if liu sang had been endoctrinated into the wangs’ AU because the way i see it, liu sang is someone who tends to be driven by the same sorts of intense/bordering on fanatical feelings in interpersonal relationships (re: how he is about xiaoge), so he and wang can would have to bond over their mutual devotion to the cause. again, not impossible, but you do need to get creative

this does bring me to the second part of the ‘why i want to burn this with fire’ lore, which is the fanon behind this ship even existing, and even that’s twofold. again, this is purely my personal feelings, but the biggest no-no for me from the get-go is this ship contains liu sang, and i do not like liu sang as a character. and yes it is practically entirely because of his fans but that’s also a topic for another time. unfortunately for similar reasons that also extends to most if not all characters who have been played by the same actor. so this ship is pretty much a double no-no for me for solely those reasons. then there’s the other aspect of the apparent appeal of it that specifically hinges on the fact both characters were played by the same actor, and so that i’ve seen, it’s a fairly popular take to make them both fanon long-lost twins. which then turns it into fanon incst and that’s just. really not my cup of tea. it’s just one of those things i let be but want to stay far away from, which makes it doubly unfortunate it’s another one of those ships i’ve had pushed at me directly or not before i distanced myself from most popular dmbj fandom spaces to avoid them

i wish i had more constructive things to say about this but unfortunately i don’t

#ask meme #dmbj #liu sang #wang can #wang can/liu sang #negative #once again tagging so people can easily avoid it #but if you couldn’t tell it’s a no from me #why are these one always longer it feels like i’m justifying myself

[herofics]

A day worth waiting for

A/N: I really felt like writing some angst with Gojo. Also, I’m feeling kinda shitty, so I needed something to cope with it. I’m not suicidal specifically, but it keeps kinda flashing in my mind as a “you could do that though” if that makes sense. I started writing this like 3 months ago, but I didn’t finish it then, so I’m writing it now

Warnings: Self-harm, blood and suicide attempt-ish

You were just laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. You had no clue how long you’d been laying there. It might have been minutes, or it might have been hours, you had no idea.

You didn’t feel anything, you were just numb, maybe not even numb, every emotion just felt the same. It was like all the colors were gone.

You stretched your hand towards the ceiling. You were wearing a t-shirt, so you could clearly see the scars that covered your wrist. There were no fresh ones, hadn’t been in a while, but the urge was still there, the urge to rip your skin open and let your life bleed out of you.

And why wouldn’t you? There wasn’t anything here for you. Gojo would be fine without you, he was the strongest, after all. He would probably even be better off.

“It’s decided then” you muttered while getting up from the floor.

You tried writing a note, and even though the idea of ending your life made so much sense in your head, you couldn’t figure out a way to explain it on paper. The only words you managed to put down were “Forgive me, Satoru. I hope you don’t curse me too much”. A few tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink.

You went to draw yourself a warm bath, before rummaging through the drawers under the sink to find a razor blade. You threw off your sweatpants and climbed into the tub in your underwear and a big t-shirt.

You exhaled deeply, before looking up at the ceiling. Were you really going to do this? Were you ready to leave yet?

That’s when you heard the bathroom door open. You quickly submerged the razor blade and hid it under your thigh before Gojo saw it. You managed to cut yourself in the process. How did you not hear him come into the apartment?

“Whatcha doing in the tub with your clothes on?” he smirked from the doorway, not yet putting the situation together.

He was just standing there, looking like his normal dashing self. He took off his blindfold, like he always did when he came home to you.

“I fell in” you lied.

Gojo took a step closer, chuckling, about to say something, when he noticed the blood in the water. The smile died on his lips as he realized what was going on. He knelt down next to the tub and grabbed both your hands, checking your wrists.

He sighed in relief as he realized you hadn’t done anything yet. Then where was the blood coming from?

You saw the panicked look in his eyes as he still held your hands in his while looking for the source of the blood.

“I nicked myself-myself when trying to hide the razor blade” you hiccuped, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Oh doll” Gojo said softly, before pulling you up with him as he stood up.

He took your shirt off you and grabbed a big, fluffy towel, wrapping it around you.

“I need you to talk to me, and I think you need that too” Gojo said as he stood in front of you.

There was something different about the way he looked at you. Anger you would have recognized, but this wasn’t it. Fear? Was it really fear you saw in his eyes?

“Satoru?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You look kind of scared” you noted.

“First of all, I think I should be asking you that. Secondly, I think my fear is pretty justified when I find the person I love sitting in a bathtub filled with water, ready to open their wrists”

“Well that sounds a bit gruesome” you muttered.

“Am I wrong?” Gojo asked, tilting his head to the side.

There was a moment of silence between you, before you spoke a simple, quiet: “No”

You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Once you said it out loud, admitted what you were going to do, it was like a dam broke. You just started sobbing uncontrollably.

“It’s okay doll, it’s okay” Gojo assured as he picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom.

You were still wrapped in the towel and holding onto Gojo’s jacket for dear life. You didn’t even remember what had originally gotten you so upset that you would resort to what you had attempted to do.

Gojo had been through this with you before. The last time this happened, it was with you trying to overdose on your medication. It was one of the few times in his life he had been absolutely terrified. Seeing you laying there unconscious, with an empty pill bottle next to you, had been one of the most horrific moments of his entire life.

Now it was happening all over again, but this time he had been on time. This time he had gotten to you before you’d done anything stupid, this time he’d managed it. After Suguru left, Gojo had sworn he wouldn’t lose anyone else like that. He wouldn’t let anyone else disappear into the shadows again.

Gojo sat down on the bed, still holding you in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-so sorry” you kept blubbering while burying your face to his chest.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay” Gojo said, grabbing your hand and attempting to ground you through his touch. “Just breathe”

After your breathing and crying calmed down, you looked up at him with tearful eyes.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened” you muttered, trying to get up from his lap.

“Nu-uh, you’re not going anywhere till we talk” he pulled you back.

“What am I even supposed to say?”

“Just something, I don’t want you to be alone with this. You know I won’t leave you alone before I get a satisfactory explanation” he half joked.

Gojo just wanted to hear you say that you’d be okay. He just wanted to hear you say this was just a fluke, and it wouldn’t happen again. At the same time, he knew you couldn’t promise that. That you wouldn’t just magically start getting better, because you or he wanted you to.

“I don’t know what happened. It just seemed like the right choice, but the second I saw you, I was like “What the fuck am I doing?” and it didn’t feel like it made any sense anymore”

You kept staring at your hands while leaning the side of your head against his chest. What you said was true. Seeing him had made you change your mind in the end. You could have tried to reach for the razor again, even though it would have been futile with him in the same room. He would have stopped you, no doubt about that, and besides you didn’t want him to see you do that to yourself. The act itself was way different from just seeing the aftermath.

“Well I’m glad I have that effect on you, but that doesn’t really give me much insight to your mental state right now”

“I guess it doesn’t, but I don’t really know what else to tell you” you sighed.

You just sat there in silence, Gojo embracing you and you leaning against his chest. You didn’t know what to tell him. Even if you managed to formulate something that would make sense to you, it would probably just sound crazy to him. It was so hard to put any of it into words, let alone in a way someone else would understand.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I’m not better off without you, and neither is anyone else you know” Gojo said suddenly.

“Thank you” you said after a while more of silence, looking up at him.

“What for?” he asked as he met your gaze.

“I guess I just appreciate the reminder at times like these”

“I’ll remind you for the rest of our lives, if you’ll let me” he smiled softly.

You placed a hand on the side of Gojo’s face and caressed his cheek with your thumb.

“I’d like that”

Maybe one day you’d love life as much as you loved him, maybe that day was worth waiting for.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk x you #jjk scenarios #jujutsu kaisen scenarios #jjk imagines #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jjk angst #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk comfort #jujutsu kaisen comfort #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jjk fanfic #selfharm tw #suicidal tw

[writingwithfolklore]

Taking Notes from Editors

I did a post on giving and receiving feedback, but now that I’ve been an editor for a little longer, I’d like to do a follow up on taking feedback specifically from professional editors.

                While ultimately writers are the rulers of their work and can make the final decisions on it, there's a lot of growth in your manuscript to be found by trusting your editor and taking their notes. As an editor, it’s my job to make your work as good as it can possibly be. It’s also my job to maintain your style and voice and make sure everything you do best shines the brightest.

                We’ve studied and practiced this goal. So the biggest thing I want to impart on you is:

1. Trust your editor

Go into the process with the mindset that you'll accept at least 85% of the edits your editor suggests. When another editor works on my writing, I accept about 95% of it, sometimes %100 (for shorter pieces).

Writers sometimes get hung up on the smallest changes an editor tries to make. Be careful not to be too precious, allow your work to be explored from a different perspective and lens.

You can always keep a separate doc that has your original piece, it doesn’t go away or get ruined when an editor works on it. While it's your work in the end, it's helpful to go into it with an open mind. Often feedback you may have never considered is the key to really elevating your piece. Make some room for your editor's opinion and expertise, trust your editor.

2. Choose your battles

If you are going to reject a suggestion, I recommend it be something really worth going to bat for. Choose your battles, and choose only the biggest ones. You ultimately know your work best, so fight only for the stuff you believe is integral to keeping the same.

This will be an easier battle to win if you’ve already accepted the vast majority of other suggestions. Does it really matter if your main character’s name is Jolene or Veronica? Maybe not, so take that suggestion so you can afford to keep her queerness, or the subplot about her mother, etc.

But going back to the trust your editor idea, don’t think about it as a battle. We are not on opposite sides, we’re both fighting for the same thing—to make your work the best it can be. Respectfully acknowledge a suggestion you don’t like, give it a day or two to think on it, and then decide if that’s something you’d really like to advocate for.

As an editor, when a writer has a solid justification for rejecting a suggestion it helps me understand their work better, and builds trust between us.

3. It’s okay you’re not perfect

Sometimes as a writer receiving feedback, my impulse is to be embarrassed I’ve done something ‘wrong’. Then, of course, I go to defend myself or justify it or attack. We don’t like feeling threatened, and it can cause some high tempers and nasty disagreements in the editing world.

It’s really important that you recognize that impulse to defend yourself, and choose not to react to it.

By that I mean, if you feel yourself getting defensive over a piece of feedback—take a deep breath, don’t answer it right away. You don’t need to explain yourself. Think on it for a bit, just try it out. See what happens when you make that change. If you still hate it, think about why. If you’re just rejecting it on impulse, you’re probably in that “defend” state.

                You’re not being attacked, and you’re not a bad writer. It’s okay if you’ve made a decision that didn’t land, or a mistake that’s kind of embarrassing.

                As an editor, I can assure you that I don’t judge my writers. Ever. When I make suggestions, it’s from a pure ‘just trying to help’ standpoint, and I really appreciate when my writers are open to my suggestions and ideas and accept or reject my suggestions with friendliness and grace.

                I’m not a super experienced editor in any way, but if anyone has any questions about the editing process, the job, or anything else about it, I will do my best to answer!

Next post we're going to talk about when to reject a suggestion or feedback because the editor/reader isn't always right. Follow to catch that when it's out!

#writing #writers #creative writing #screenwriting #writing community #writing inspiration #filmmaking #books #film #writing advice #editor ama #taking notes from editors #editing #receiving feedback #feedback #ama

[genlosstse-au-factory]

Now that my full blow anxiety has reduced about the comic blog situation I can reveal to people my thoughts on the whole thing.

I’ll be giving out a criticism to all parties. (I’m not going to use names because I’m still scared.)

Also PLEASE TELL ME IF I GET ANYTHING WRONG.

First of all, something in the comic made two people who I am friendly with uncomfortable. I’m not quite sure what it was but I’m sure it was justified.

Then, a blog I follow (1) said that they really dislike the comic. This is fine.

But this is where one of the first follies comes in. One of said friendlys (2) reblogged the message onto their blog used for being a fan of the comic. They must’ve felt very strongly about how they didn’t enjoy the comic any longer, but in doing this, they threw attention onto 1 who expressed that they proceeded to get death threats. Now, I’m pretty sure that 1 doesn’t mind that 2 brought attention on to them (or maybe they do. I don’t read minds).

Now of course, death threats and hate. That’s a huge mistake from the people who sent them. Don’t fucking send death threats. Don’t do that. That’s not okay. Enough said.

Now I’m going to criticize 1 for a moment. One of 1’s reasons for disliking the comic blog is because the blog runner (3) blocked them on their main. Now, 1 often expresses that it’s totally fair to block someone you dislike or disagree with.

1 criticizing 3 for blocking them, kinda using it as a “they were always bad news”, doesn’t quite make any sense. People can block you and not hate you.

A criticism from others that I’ve seen given to 3 is that the use of the pandemic in their plot is insensitive. I can see this being the case. Another one is saying they (3) wouldn’t do fan service as they felt their audience was too young, but still let them slightly (?) sexualize one of the characters.

(Side note: 2 confuses me in this manner because they are the one who brought this concern up, but I felt as if they were doing some of that themselves. Maybe they could clarify this?)

Anyways, 3 then makes a post expressing that a person (presumably 1) who criticized them, that their criticism didn’t feel genuine and more spiteful ands says they were also slightly harrassed (?) by this person. But they vividly express for a second time that sending hate is bad.

Now my role in all of this. I was allowed to make a blog that added to the canon. I communicated with 3 directly. I feel like I’m friendly with them.

Now you see why I’m so panicky and so fucking conflicted.

I respect 1, 2, and 3. And I really just hope this is all an over reaction. Maybe I’m over reacting again myself and this message wasn’t needed. But still the little details don’t line up in my brain which is making me think that everyone is a bit wrong.

Anyways. PLEASE SAY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS SO WE CAN ALL GET A BIGGER PICTURE.

[mysteriousmissfsart]

Twisted Wonderland Thoughts and Theories #1

I’m here with some thoughts and theories about the new Diasomnia episode 7 chapters!

This update contains some of the most unsettling chapters of the game. It just made me shudder all over.

Well, I don’t want to give too many spoilers up here.

So, as always I’ll put everything under a cut!

Spoiler warning: Screenshots and description of events. Read at your own risk.

This update is just crazy!

It’s starts of all lighthearted and then becomes DARK at the end.

I’ve been trying not to cry but it was really hard-

As you all probably know by now, Malleus is my favorite character and I feel really connected to him.

It kind of feels like he’s the fictional depiction of my personality and me as a person. So seeing him snap and lose it, hit home really strongly. It was really hard for me to not feel like I could see myself in his shoes.

The way he screamed at Lillia in chapter 37 and told him “I WON’T HAVE TO LOSE YOU!!”, made me cry.

He sees Lillia as family and a friend. He’s not afraid of him or who he is. He sees beyond the scary exterior that Malleus can’t get rid of.

Malleus is attached to that. He’s attached to anyone that can see beyond his cold, scary exterior.

He could have refused being anyone’s friend at any time and he wouldn’t have been attached to anyone.

Right now, Malleus knows that those close to him have not hurt him in any way. So to him, it’s scary if they suddenly leave and that’s why he acted so rashly.

I’ll give a bit of an INFJ personality example, as I think he is one. His choices in this update make it clearer that he is, indeed, an INFJ.

INFJs don’t usually lose people but, people lose them. Let me explain: If I (an INFJ) befriend someone or get to know someone that later hurts me, I won’t make a fuss or fight. I would leave silently and have that person regret what they did. However, we only leave if we no longer see a solution and no longer care. If we fight and cry, we see a glimpse of hope and we still care. That can change at anytime though.

INFJs don’t like losing people they care about. We over think it and make ourselves feel like we wronged the person that left, even if it wasn’t our fault. We try to do anything we can to make our loved ones stay by our side. Loss hurts and it hurts much more when there are regrets involved as well as overthinking.

This is exactly what Malleus did in this chapter, he did what he could to make his loved ones stay. It might not be morally right but, he did the thing he found was within his power.

That is what made me emotional. He did exactly what I right now would say that I wouldn’t do and that it’s fictional, I don’t have such power. But when I think about it, if I were him, I would have done the same, if it was the only thing I could do. He’s scared of loss, he’s scared of being truly lonely. If I were in his shoes, I would have done the same. No matter how much I knew that they would hate me when they got back. I would believe that what I did was for them, even if it was selfish, I would believe that I did the right thing.

I think this is how Malleus feels and I understand that not everyone agrees with what he did. I am not trying to justify it. All I know and believe is that he acted on his fears. He lost his parents and now the person he saw as a friend and a family figure is going to leave him as well? Well, I think any of us would have snapped and gone mad.

I’ve also suffered a lot of losses of dear people. This is probably why I feel so much sympathy for Malleus. It’s much worse if you can do something and don’t do it. Even if it’s not the ideal solution. Well he did what he did so there’s no way of changing that.

Or maybe there is-

This brings us to the second part of this post. The theory part. (Even if we had a bit of theory above too)

We’ll also be discussing his overblot form. So first a screenshot from the game. (I’m also looking at the full overblot image)

I’ll just say it. He looks absolutely stunning and I would like to know where he found this stylish outfit-

Really-

Mhm-

The blot tears are dripping down much further than in the other overblot designs. They’re basically telling us that he’s been holding back his pain for hundreds of years.

The thorns symbolize the shackles of his position and power and everything he’s had to suppress.

He also has a belt over the thorn corset, it’s fastened in a way that makes it feel hasty. It feels like a symbol for hastily suppressed emotions, that are on the verge of erupting.

His horns are glowing with the same color that his powers have. His tail does the same.

He has blot markings on his face and his hand that look like dragon scales.

The markings on his face and the slicked back hair reminds me of Maleficent’s image with her head piece and horns.

The ends of his outfit are torn but with a spiky thorn like look on them. Even his leggings and underskirt(?) have spikes and look like thorns. His cape has green thorns as well.

He has this thorn harness(?) over his chest and a collar metal like tight around his neck.

His whole overblot outfit gives off the impression of symbolizing restraint and suppressed emotions.

No matter how much he smiles or laughs, there is still this coldness to it. It’s like he’s numb to his emotions.

We’ll probably get to know soon enough.

His shadow looked a lot like Maleficent in this image below:

Now for another image.

This basically shows how strong Malleus is. His powers put a whole country/island to sleep. I think he would have been able to do much more damage had he wanted to. He’s too strong.

The last images for this post are here and with them the last part of this post.

“You will be the heroes of a fairy tale.”

This makes it seem as if Malleus is telling them to fight him. Or that he’s giving them a second chance to save themselves from this fate. Or he’s not talking to the characters but to the people playing the role of the main character. To us. He’s telling us to be the hero of this story and save ourselves and the others.

There have also been these theories about the Yuu-verse and that there have been a lot of Yuus that have failed at stopping Malleus. Maybe there is a hidden chapter that unlocks after you defeat Malleus in the battle. But it’s impossible to win so I don’t know how this will go.

I think he might be alluding to The Sleeping Beauty trope and how they will be heroes, either saving each other or getting saved. He might also be alluding to the Maleficent movies and how she was portrayed as a hero instead of a villain in that story. He’s basically talking about the story of Twisted Wonderland as well, and how it’s making villains show heroic characteristics. It’s an amazing line and just makes the gears turn in my head.

If you look closely here, the logo is rippling like water.

The fact that Malleus started singing Once Upon a Dream at this moment makes it feel as if you’re being in a dream. The rippling images in movies and the sound of a harp playing always meant that the character was getting a flashback or dreaming in old movies. This might indicate that the game is going to start over until we save everyone from Malleus or that we’re all goners now.

I have a feeling that Idia or Maleficia (Malleus’s grandma) or both might help us out of this situation.

Or we’ll get a super out of the box surprise with all of the Yuus arriving at the door from different universes to help us (the current Yuu) defeat Malleus. That would be epic.

Or a more ultra super maximum universe can not comprehend out of the box surprise where the great 7 come and save us with Maleficent as the leader. That would be epic beyond belief.

Or all of the above.

I’d be happy with anything as long as it makes the wait worth it.

This part at the end of chapter 37 made me shudder because it was really unsettling.

Malleus is humming to Once Upon a Dream and it sounds hypnotic and scary. It almost sounds more like the Maleficent movie version more than The Sleeping Beauty version. The first is much darker and sounds scary while the latter is upbeat and sounds happy and sweet.

It feels like we’re getting an early ending, like a game over after meeting the final boss. It’s like we’re starting the game again. Like we woke up from an eternal sleep, to try our luck with saving the world again.

It just feels melancholy and like dejavu, like losing your memories but remembering the feelings you had associated with them. It’s strange and it’s a great thing that this game has accomplished. You don’t get this feeling easily in real life. This game should get awards and worldwide recognition for the amazing work put into it.

—————————————————————————

Thank you for reading this! I really love explaining and sharing my thoughts and theories on the things I like. It took me 3 hours or more to write this as properly as I could and to get my thoughts across as much as possible. I really hope I did a good job.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

You can always tell me what you think as well!

I would love to hear your thoughts!

This is my favorite main story episode so far and it really pulls at my heartstrings in every possible way.

I look forward to the conclusion and how everything unfolds.

Thank you for reading!

-Miss F

#twisted wonderland #diasomnia #malleus draconia #game #lillia vanrouge #sebek zigvolt #heartslabyul #savanaclaw #ramshackle #twst theory #twst chapter 7 #twst spoilers #twst chapter 7 spoilers #overblot #twst thoughts #twst chapter 7 update #twst silver #twst yuu #twst mc

[lafrexniere]

Old Times and New Guys

Summer in Michigan Series

Warning: mentions of the incident in previous parts

Note: The drama begins Hehe, also the parts are going to start getting longer

____________________________________________

“Y/N!” Your best friend from college exclaimed. 

“Alex,” you ran over to him. He scooped you up in a hug.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he said putting you down. 

“I’ve missed you too,” you smiled.

“Why did no one say Y/N was coming?” Alex said placing a hand on his hip, his arm remaining around your shoulders. Trevor and Jack both looked at your brother, he looked embarrassed. 

“I assumed you would figure it out,” Cole said shrugging.

“Cole how could you have left out Alex,” you shook your head.  Jack put your things down by the door as Trevor and Cole went upstairs to pick a room. He nodded at you and Alex then left you two alone to catch up, he looked a little disappointed but seemed to brush it off after you heard him laughing with Cole and Trevor upstairs. 

“Is Owen coming too?” you asked Alex as you moved into a sitting area. 

“He might, he said he would check, but then just never answered,” he frowned. 

“Darn I wanted a reunion,” you snapped your fingers in a cheesy manner. 

“Speaking of reunion, what do you want to do, it’s been a little while since we’ve seen each other,” he laughed. 

“A little? It’s been like three years, Alex,” you shook your head. 

“Okay yeah, it’s been a while,” he elbowed you. There was then an awkward pause, the two of you looked at each other wanting someone to say something.

“You doing okay Y/N/N, you disappeared for a bit,” he said looking concerned. 

“Yeah, I broke up with Aiden, wasn’t feeling the best,” you fiddled with your hands in your lap. 

“Oh how come, if you don’t mind me asking, but I have to know I’m your best friend after all,” Alex tried lightening the mood.

“I don’t like talking about it, I didn’t want to but I had to, ya know?” you said leaving out the very important details of your black eye. 

“Did he do something to you because you know I’ll beat his ass,” he put on his tough guy look. 

“He punched me while drunk, he was arguing with someone and I tried to stop him from doing something dumb, he didn’t even see if I was okay, he just kept going, figured the feelings were gone,” your eyes began to water thinking about the memory. 

“I’m really sorry Y/N,” Alex said opening his arms for a hug. You fell into the open arms and cried into his chest thinking about how many stupid things and mistakes you made for Aiden. Alex began to rub the back of your head assuring you that you were in fact okay and that your feelings were justified. You finally pulled yourself together and fell into your mopey state again. You picked your head up from his chest and wiped the remaining tears from your eyes. 

“I think I’m gonna head upstairs, pick my room,” you said not looking at him.

“At least let me help you bring your things up,” he said rushing over to your things before you could say no. 

“Al please, I got it myself,” you were too late. He made his way to the stairs with you following behind him. 

“I think you will like this room, It’s not the biggest, but it’s just you staying here so I figured you wouldn’t need a ton of room, It has the best view in the house,” he smiled putting your things down. You loved the view, a beautiful sky with a beautiful landscape underneath it. You sighed and flopped on the bed.

“What you don’t like it? Cause you can always sleep with the spiders in the attic,” Alex grinned.

“No it’s great,” you finally turned and looked at him. He was smiling that same Alex smile you remembered from those years ago.

“Come on Y/N let’s go do something,” he said.

“Don’t feel like it.”

“Y/N please, literally just a walk down to the dock.”

“Fine,” you said slowly getting up. The two of you went downstairs and found Trevor, Jack, and Cole with two other boys you recognized. 

“Where are you two going?” your brother asked. 

“The dock, showing Y/N/N the lake,” he smiled pulling you into a side hug. Jack and Trevor both looked appalled at that. It didn’t mean anything, and why would they care, you had only been with them a day.

The two of you went out and made your way to the dock, sitting at the edge.

“It’s really great seeing you Y/N, I missed my best friend,” he smiled staring at you. 

“I missed you too Alex, like a lot,” you smiled, “I bet you didn’t miss this though,” you said punching his shoulder. 

“Ow geez chill,” he said shoving you back. 

“No, I don’t think I will,” you said shoving him again. You continued to mess around with each other until Alex splashed you with lake water. You looked at him with a straight face as you splashed way more water back at him, getting his shorts wet.

“You did not just do that,” he said giving the same look back to you.

“Oh yes I did,” you said doing it again. You stood up and ran off the dock back towards the house.

“Get back here Y/N,” he shouted as he began to follow you. You didn’t answer and just kept running but he had caught up to you. He picked you up from behind holding you in a tight grip, attempting to carry your squirming body back to the lake so you could get splashed. 

“Alex put me down,” you yelled. You continued to flail your limbs until the boy finally gave in. 

“Just like old times Y/N.”

“Yup, like you never left,” you smiled before the two of you went inside. The group of boys was now staring at the two of you. 

“Oh my god chill, she’s my best friend,” Alex said to the group. 

“Yeah okay,” a boy with red hair said. You approached the group as Alex headed towards the stairs.

“Where’s he going,” another boy chimed in.

“He had a little accident,” you giggled. The group laughed, as you got comfortable and introduced to them. 

As more time passed the day was already making you feel way better than you would have been at home for the whole summer. It began to get late and you were feeling a little tired, you didn’t want the same situation as what happened the night before with Jack so you figured you’d head to bed before it was too late. 

“I’m going to bed guys, See you all tomorrow,” you yawned.

“Good night,”

“See ya Y/N,”

“Good night sis,” your brother smiled. The good nights continued until an unusual response came from the crowd. 

“I’ll walk you up,” it was Trevor. The two of you went upstairs and made your way to the bathroom. 

“You didn’t have to do that,” you said as you both stood at the double sink.

“Yeah, but I wanted to,” he smiled. 

“Well thanks,” you said gazing into his eyes, You didn’t know why but your heart was racing. You felt your face heating as you continued your eye contact. You cleared your throat and snapped out of the state you were in breaking eye contact, seeing the visible red on your face in the mirror. 

“Good night Y/N,” he said kissing your cheek, before leaving and going downstairs. You moved your hand up to your cheek smiling. You got ready for bed with many thoughts occupying your mind keeping you awake. You knew one thing for sure, this summer in Michigan would be interesting.

#hockey boys #hockey fan fiction #nhl fan fiction #hockey fanfiction #hockey imagine #nhl x reader #hockey #ice hockey #college hockey #alex turcotte #trevor zegras #jack hughes #cole caufield

[sitp-recs]

i’m going through life crisis so i need to ask! have you ever read anything of the sort with draco and harry? time to project myself into it 😤

Hi anon! I’m sorry things have been rough ❤️‍🩹I’m sending hugs and hoping you find comfort in these reads. I choose to understand “life crisis” as a broader term including all kinds of crisis we go through as adults 🥲 hope these work for you!

Poor Unfortunate Souls by DoubleApple (2019, E, 19k)

Draco is a potioneer. Harry is trying to save his sex-challenged marriage. Everything is a mess, but at least there's an octopus in the lobby.

Vale Sanare by RurouniHime (2011, M, 23k)

Draco’s world gains a new component just when he thought he’d sorted everything out.

A Year in Training by Omi_Ohmy (2013, M, 25k)

Harry is finally living his dream and training as an Auror, but nothing seems to be going right: he’s just so angry all the time. And Draco Malfoy’s presence on the programme really isn’t helping with that, either.

War Wounds by SilentAuror (2007, E, 30k)

Some wounds take longer to recover from than others. HP/DM, with background HP/GW. Themes of alcoholism, love triangles, and dubious fidelity.

Holly and Hawthorn, Thistle and Thyme by bryoneybrynn (2015, T, 31k)

After the war, Harry can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong with him and he has a terrible feeling he knows what that “something” might be. He has a terrible feeling Malfoy might know, too.

He Who Must Not Be Normal by lettered (2013, E, 41k)

Potter has fame and fortune and posh clothes and all he wants is a simple life. Draco has a flat and a cat and a steady job and all he wants is a complicated life. Which makes you think this story has something exciting like body-swapping, but it doesn’t.

REVOLVEVLOVER by firethesound and zeitgeistic (2014, E, 46k)

The work Harry does is justifiable. It’s justice. He works for his country, and his country is a republic—the magical side, anyway. It’s not laudable work, it’s not work he’s proud of, but it’s necessary work. Harry has always taken the necessary jobs that no one else has the stomach for.

Here's The Pencil, Make It Work by ignatiustrout (2013, M, 49k)

Harry thinks "Why is Malfoy working in a coffee shop in muggle London?" is a much simpler question than, "Are you going to accept that auror offer and, if you don't, what will you do?"

Chocolate and Pastry by agentmoppet (2018, E, 50k)

When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected.

Meet Me at Midnight by @the-starryknight (2022, T, 57k)

Harry was beginning to wonder if he’d ever make anything again when Malfoy stormed through the door of Harry’s furniture shop. Now Harry’s got an impossible Ministry commission to finish, and even less energy than ever to deal with his elusive muse. That is, until he stumbles upon the surreal and beautiful world of a mysterious fae creature…

Modern Love by tackytiger (2020, E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

The Arrangement series by RurouniHime (2012, E, 72k)

It's worked for years. Why change it now?

Running on Air by eleventy7 (2014, T, 75k)

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

Super Rich Kids by trishjames (2020, E, 81k)

Draco Malfoy has become disillusioned by the glitz and glamour of the scandalous lives of the Post-Second Wizarding War Pureblood Elite. Enter: one existential crisis, one group of thieving cynical friends, and several terrible, terrible decisions.

Balance, Imperfect by bixgirl1 (2017, E, 91k)

When Harry sustains an injury in the line of work, he no longer knows how to navigate the life he loved, and finds help and solace from the most unexpected source.

I Am Not Who I Became by mab_di (2019, E, 93k)

Draco left England after the trials and has travelled the world meeting wizards and Muggles from different cultures and with vastly different relationships to magic, each other, and the natural world. Now he's a fisherman in Finland on commercial vessels..

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) by nerakrose (2018, T, 96k)

Malfoy is way too interested in coroner reports for somebody who's definitely not looking for ways to die, Harry wants to be friends with him, and Ginny wants to break up with Harry.

Way Down We Go by xiaq (2019, T, 109k)

In which Harry and Draco both run away from their pasts and conveniently choose to hide in the same tiny American town. It's super.

Nor All That Glisters by sweet_s0rr0w (2021, E, 110k)

Lonely and frustrated on house arrest, with no prospects for the future, Draco begins brewing Felix Felicis in an attempt to improve his lot. Just in the short term, of course. He isn’t a total idiot.

Turn by Saras_Girl (2013, E, 306k)

One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

#asks #anon #drarry reclist #life crisis #a whole mood ✌🏼

[blysstastic]

My Five **Realistic** Daily Non-Negotionals

Manifest / Set your intentions and motivations

This isn’t always something I manage to fit into the very beginning of my day, in fact, sometimes this is something I do at the end of my day! For me, this is something that feels calming, almost like meditation; manifesting is something that I can easily squeeze into my busy schedule, it brings me a moment of calm while reminding myself what I’m building toward and the foundation for where I see myself.

2. Drink water & keep yourself hydrated

This is something I always struggle with, however, once I’m feeling the consequences of not doing so I am in absolute agony. Which is why I’m lucky I have friends with set alarms to remind me lol. Just remember: staying hydrated is the key to productivity and efficiency. Without water in your system to keep you going it’s like running on E.

Some tips for staying hydrated

Set👏🏽 alarms👏🏽 always set alarms👏🏽

Politely request from friends or family to remind you from time to time

Fill up a BIGGGG water bottle / jug that’ll last you a few nights (I’m talking like a gallon sized-) and leave a cup on your nightstand. Before you go to sleep drink a cup of water!

Leave reminders on sticky notes where you spend lots of time! Staring at a computer all day? Leave a sticky! Driving and spending lots of time in the car? Leave a sticky!!! Stuck at a desk all day? Leave a sticky on your desk. (I find this very helpful)

3. Feed your soul!

This is something that took me a long time to figure out that I still struggle to internalize but feeding yourself is so important. There is nothing that should stop you from feeding your self. There is no reason good enough to justify not feeding your body. Don’t worry about what you think you must look like to other ppl or what sounds you make while eating; no one is looking, no one cares. The most important thing is that you feed your body until you feel satisfied. If you’re hungry: eat. If you’re not hungry: don’t eat. It’s that simple, I know how hard it can be to internalize that and deprogram that voice in your head telling you that you can’t allow yourself to eat but it really is so, so important to take care of your body so your body can take care of you.

4. Absorb positive energy / content & shed negative energy 🧿

I must admit I’m on social media a lot so I absorb lots of social media content daily. While it’s beneficial to everybody to go offline and touch grass every so often it’s also important to absorb positive content while online. You’ll find once you start blocking out negative energies in your life, especially in your social medias, it will make a huge impact in your mental health and may have influences on your personal / social life as well.

5. Only entertain those who benefit you

Don’t entertain those who do not benefit you. Turning someone away because they no longer serve or benefit you doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean you are using them. The word “benefit” doesn’t have to mean financially or socially, it can mean something as simple as making you smile and providing you with positive energies and reinforcements. To “benefit” can simply mean being a comforting shoulder for you to lean on when things are difficult for you. Learn to let go of those who don’t benefit you. Once you do this you will notice your energies start to align.

#girljournal #girl journal #girl blogging #girl blog #girl blogger #dream self #manifesting #self care #self love #mental health #mental health advocate #affirmations #coquette #daily affirmations #pink blog #healthy lifestyle #wellness #pink #pastels #healthy living #positive thinking #positive affirmations #positive thoughts #positive energy #positive vibes #positive vibes only #🎀 #🍓 #blyssiblabs 🍓

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Feedback: Please feel free to publish this publically if you want.

Thank you so so much for my reading 🙏. It was beautiful 💙. I was so touched by the msg. I've actually been asking the same question from a lot of readers but I've never received any msg from my FS as my reply, I always get something else delivered, usually what I should be doing to improve my chances of meeting my FS :) I do understand that's because that's what the cards show them. That's why I was really losing hope and had been wondering to myself that my person has no msg for me? Really? Nothing at all? Thing is I suffer from severe social anxiety due to which I rarely go out and my house has sort of become my prison.

Anyways, moving on. The very first paragraph that you gave me hit a cord with me - "I know you're going through a lot right now, and you feel like maybe you're meant to be alone. But just know that rather than being meant to be alone, you're meant to be with me. It's selfish of me, I suppose, but there's a part of me that's slightly happy that if I ever meet you, I know that i'll be able to have you instead of us being kept apart." This is literally, literally what I think to myself as well. I mean it - literally, I think the exact same thing to myself to justify my eternal singlehood. Right at this first paragraph I was like whoa!

I also liked the part where you mentioned that he said our relationship will be build up with caution and that's what will provide us stability. Coz this is very, very apt for my age.

This line really made me very emotional, it's all I ever wanted to hear 😢 "I'm coming into your life as quickly as I can, though once i'm there, just know that I don't plan on letting you go." And then came this part and I was balling my eyes out 😭 "We'll find one another in the place where we feel most comfortable and when we do...Well, we will become the place where the other feels most comfortable."

I was awed when you mentioned that he said that he'll give me a stable home even though I might feel selfish asking for it. I've never ever gotten this from any reader, and it's so SO true! I come from a very chaotic family, unfortunately I still am in it. It's again one of the reasons I'm not able to find anyone coz I don't want to date locally, I want to go far away from here. And I want nothing else except for a small home cozy home with my husband, just the two of us, and spending the rest of our days in love, peace and happiness. But I do feel selfish expecting this from him. Coz in my mind I go like that's putting too much expectations on him and maybe i shouldn't be doing that. But then again, it's all I want, nothing more, nothing less. So my brain and my heart are in constant state of tussle over this. I was also shocked when you said that it doesn't matter that I don't have much experience, he'll always be by my side. Coz i actually don't have much experience in such matters coz of my severe anxiety, that is one of the reasons I have been wondering if maybe I'm not meant to experience that part of life, like at all. It was amazing that you said this 💙.

Just like your first paragraph, your last lines sealed the msg for me - "Sorry to keep you waiting, but just hold on a little bit longer. I'll make sure it's worth it." 💞 So so beautiful 💞. You have no idea just how much I wanted to hear these words from him 🥹.

Thank you so, so much for making my day 🙏. I'm so immensely grateful to you from the bottom of my heart 🙏. Wishing you the best in your tarot journey 🕊️

I’m glad you liked it! I’m also really glad it struck home and resonated with you. And just from the reading I can tell you and your FS are both amazing people who’ll be perfect together. I’m wishing you the best as well! 🫶🏽

[bvannn]

Weekly update February 23, 2024

I know I just woke up so this is early, but I don’t anticipate having time to write this later. I’ve had a ton of homework this week and been feeling really bad. I don’t know how much of it is more lingering sickness from surgery, if I caught something going around campus, how much of it is my congenial illness, or if there’s something else, but I assume it’s a mix. That coupled with homework means I didn’t really get much of anything done this week. I don’t know how next week will be. My congenial condition is probably the worst, because it prevents me from being able to get up out of bed when it’s flaring up, so I’m going a lot longer without food. That coupled with surgery sickness making me anxious and trying to justify not eating, has me a bit worried but not worried enough to force myself to eat. I feel gross when I eat. My stomach hurts every time, most of the food I have isn’t healthy anyway, it’s smarter just to not. That’s probably why I got more drunk off of less alcohol last night, honestly, although I did force myself to have lunch and dinner so I wouldn’t put myself in danger.I play it overly safe with alcohol, since I know how much it takes to almost kill me, and alcohol is really the only reliable way to take an anxious edge off before bed right now. I have leftover oxycodone from surgery but I want to save that for when I need the painkilling effects, and I have a couple friends begging and pleading me to try weed again, but I’ve never really had a desire to, and I haven’t really known why until I really thought about it this morning: weed puts a focus on your body, it doesn’t numb your nerves like alcohol or oxy do. Which means it brings focus to my condition, which is distressing. It’s like meditation, it only works if you’re already healthy. I wish I could have put that together sooner, it probably would have made turning it down a lot easier, since they would understand. I know they aren’t trying to be malicious, they just don’t understand because I had no way of communicating it to them. Now that I know what’s wrong, I can put it off for a while, until my congenial condition is cleared up, in a few years. Anyway enough Health rambling, art stuff

The main thing I did in the way of art this week was fiddling with vocaloid. Still not sure which banks to get, but it doesn’t matter too much since I won’t have the money for them for a good while anyway. Right now is to throw together the actual vpr files with the default banks, and then pass them to friends on discord who already have the banks, so they an render the MP3 and pass it back to me. Extra steps, sure, but it’ll work. I’m hoping to find a way to copy and paste the phonetic lyrics too, so I can see how the Japanese banks handle English, but no dice so far. If I need to write them out manually, I can, too.

As for instrumental music: I keep trying to throw together small beats late at night and they always sound like shit. I posted the one the other day and the next morning it was terrible, but I used a drum machine of course it was going to sound awful. I do essentially have the ambient instrumental one done, still running it past test audiences, which is a bit harder since people are less likely to spend the time test listening to a song vs giving a drawing a once over. I’m tempted to make my own discord server to try and garner a little community where people can test listen to stuff and post art, but I don’t know if I’d have a way of moderating it, I’ve seen some awful people on public discords. I might give it a few listens over myself and maybe just send it anyway, but I don’t trust my ears, I maybe don’t hear the instruments at the volume they actually are. I’m not sure, which is why I want to play it safe by passing it through peer review. Peer review is important, it’s the reason hazbin hotel was good while helluva boss wasn’t.

I haven’t been doing drawings, due to time and energy. Today is the due date for the worst of my homework, so I’ll try to get stuff done this weekend. I want to animate but have been having art block in that department. Honestly a fair amount of art block all around. Energy is also a component but last night I slept well, so I’ll try to get more sleep in the next few days, see how it helps. Unfortunately that’ll mean no staying up late to do drawings but that’s fine probably.

I also haven’t been getting comic progress done the way I want, but it’ll be fine, I can pick up again soon. I’m at 20 pages thumbnailed, moving into ‘act 3’, then I’ll go over and add in whatever I need to reach count and to fix any unnatural scenes. I’ll try to get back to ‘one a day’ starting tomorrow. Block is a bit hard on thumbnailing because it makes me just want to slap the panels on the page, but that’s lazy, I can have more fun with it than that.

I think next week the plan is going to be eat less food, spend more time with friends, go to bed earlier, back to one a day thumbnails, and whatever else I make I make. I’ll try to get art to go with that finished song done, and I’ll try to figure out how to sound balance it. Hopefully I can get that done in time to post it before the next update.

#weekly update

[safic4-m]

💛So beautiful

Pairing: Cordelia Goode x Fem Lector

Author’s note: Request made bycherylz170810, who asked for a one shot with Cordelia, smut, jealousy on her part and both being powerful witches. I know you wanted more drama but I feel that’s not the essence of Cordelia, so I hope you like it and I’m sorry for the delay.

CONTEXT: Y/n is capable of destroying-killing everything she touches.

~Master list~

One-shot

Wattpad

Flashback

She was already in the coven when Cordelia arrived, she was very shy at first and usually spent her time alone in the greenhouse; the opposite of you and somehow you became best friends.

You felt your heart beating a thousand beats a minute, this was your only chance to confess your feelings to Cordelia.

It was now or never, you had already come of age and you couldn’t stay at the academy. The deal was that you would stay at Rubichaux Academy until you came of age and when you did you would return to be in charge of your coven.

You take a deep breath before knocking on the door of her room.

-Since when do you knock to come in?- she asks sarcastically letting you in.

-I…mhh, I just wanted to talk to you.

-Oh…what is that you have there?- looking at the bouquet behind you.

-Right…- feeling your cheeks warm up -they are for you- handing him the flowers.

-My favorites- taking the bouquet and you see a smile grow on his face- thank you very much- before hugging you.

-How did you get them?- she asks, referring to the fact that they are not yet in season.

-I grew them myself,- you say smiling shyly.

GOD, YOU WERE A GAY MESS WHEN YOU WERE WITH HER.

-What did you want to talk about?- sitting down on her bed and patting the spot next to her.

-Well…you’ve known us for a long time and…- you take a second before continuing -I think I like you…no, I really like you and when I say I like you, I mean in a romantic way…just like Myrtle likes clothes, I don’t mean that you are clothes…- and you started to ramble on

-I’m very flattered,- she says shushing you, -but I don’t see you the same way and I hope this doesn’t make things weird,- giving you a smile.

You stop because you can’t stand next to her, it feels like she’s ripped your heart out and shattered it to pieces.

-Oh…- inhaling deeply, -It’s okay- forcing a smile.

Cordelia’s flowers wilt without you having to touch them, the blonde is surprised to see it and turns to look at you scared. Suddenly the whole room starts to shatter, the walls crack, the furniture rots and the atmosphere becomes too heavy.

Cordelia tries to call out to you but you seem to be in a trance, the more she calls out to you the harder it becomes to breathe, before she loses consciousness she manages to see Myrtle entering the room.

When she woke up she found out that you were gone, no matter how much she begged Myrtle she didn’t tell her where, she simply handed her a letter that you had left her.

Dear Delia

I am so sorry for what happened, I felt bad about your rejection and that’s why I acted that way, but that doesn’t justify my actions. I hope you find someone who makes you happy because you deserve the best in the world, it doesn’t matter that Fiona says otherwise, you do.

By the time you read this I will no longer be at the academy and it’s better this way because I couldn’t bear to see you after what I did, I feel so ashamed for not being able to control my powers and hurt you.

Thank you for giving me your friendship

Love and always yours Y/n

End of Flashback

But here you were, many years later at a small celebration that had been held at the academy to bring all the witches together and create alliances. In all honesty Cordelia would never have noticed you if Myrtle hadn’t told her you were there. You looked completely different from how Cordelia remembered you and it seemed that the years had done you good.

But a strong feeling of anger was growing inside the supreme one, she knew she had had her chance, but at that time she had been too stupid to realize how she really felt about you; but here she was watching you from across the room talking to a woman in a very friendly way.

The blonde decides to take action as she sees the woman approaching you to whisper something in your ear, her blood was boiling by this point, a few witches tried to approach her, but she was willing to achieve her objective

^^^^

You honestly weren’t paying attention to Agatha and felt somewhat bad about it, but you kept looking for a certain blonde who had broken your heart so many years ago.

You saw Myrtle when you arrived and wanted to ask her about Cordelia’s whereabouts, but didn’t want to sound desperate.

The small “talk” is interrupted before the arrival of the supreme one, Agata tries to engage her in conversation, but instead of paying attention to her she grabs your arm and pulls you out of the place. While you recover from the clearly forced little tour, you take a second to admire the woman in front of you, she looked as beautiful as you remembered her, the supremacy had suited her quite well, making that spark that existed in her ignite creating a blinding light all around her.

-It’s also good to see you again,- you say breaking the silence between you.

-I’m sorry, it’s just that I wanted to talk to you,- she says feeling all the confidence leaving her body.

-And that’s why you dragged me here,- mocking the witch.

-I wanted to do it in a quieter place,- stumbling over the words as a blush creeps up her cheek.

-Yeah…well that’s not what your thoughts say.

I didn’t know I could hear thoughts…GOD and now what am I supposed to do, I don’t even know what to say to her.

-Your thoughts are so noisy,- letting out a giggle, -are you forgetting that you’re not the only witch with great blonde powers?

-I…“ she opens her mouth but the words don’t come out.

Of course she knew it, during your time in the academy she saw how your power grew and you left the other witches behind; but everything about you was so imposing, all that confidence and dominant energy that emanated from you, was new to her.

-God you are so cute when you are nervous,- you say holding her face with love.

-I’m not…- but the blush on her cheeks gives her away.

-So… widow,- changing the subject, leaving her alone for now.

-You heard about it- averting her gaze.

-A direct attack on Marie Leveau by a witch hunter who betrayed her, who was hired to wipe out the witches of the academy and on top of that he was your husband…of course I heard about it-, showing a smug smile.

She didn’t know what to answer, it was obvious that she hadn’t made the best decisions in her past and now she was regretting it. You were here in front of her and she didn’t know how to start, there was so much to say, she wanted to know everything about you, to make up for lost time, but there was a question that echoed in her head.

Are you single?

-I am,- you say seeing the confusion written on her face, -I am single,- placing a kiss on her lips.

Quickly he grabs your hips, claiming your lips, making you moan at his desperation, you break the kiss to attack his neck eliciting small moans as his hand tangles in your hair.

-Anyone can come and see us,- he says between gasps.

-It’s ok,- pulling away from her.

-What, why did you stop?- she asks, watching you fix your clothes.

-You said that anyone can come and see us,- smirking at her reaction.

-But I didn’t mean that I stopped you.

-Besides I’m sure you don’t want them to see their big supreme one moaning for my touch…or do you?- you say in her ear listening to her moaning because of how hoarse your voice sounds.

-No,- forcing a deep breath.

-Then we’d better go somewhere more private,- you say, forcing Cordelia to transmute you both to her room.

You barely notice your new surroundings and you already have Cordelia on top of you, she starts leaving kisses on your neck making you sigh, she starts sucking on a particularly sensitive spot and your hand gets tangled in her hair, pulling it as a warning.

-Without leaving a mark,- you say letting yourself be carried away by everything you feel.

He begins to open the buttons of your shirt, kissing down the newly exposed skin, his breath catching at the sight of your breasts contained by a lacy black bra.

-My eyes are up here,- you say playfully making her blush furiously, -I think you have too many clothes on,- licking your lips as you look down at her black dress.

You help her take off her dress, leaving her only in her underwear.

-So beautiful,- you whisper, seeing a blush cover her face and part of her chest.

-Now you’re the one with too many clothes on,- she says boldly making you laugh before stripping off your pants.

Your lips meet again and you move them both to the bed, you break the kiss making him sit up and climb into his lap, you both stand there for a moment looking at each other.

-I’m sorry,- you say brushing aside a strand of hair.

-You don’t have to apologize,- she replies smiling softly.

-I don’t… I have to, I could have hurt you badly,- you say with melancholy.

-But you didn’t, besides if I had been honest with myself, maybe you would have never left,- putting his arms around you.

-You know it’s not like that, I would have to leave to do my duty-, wrapping his arms around your neck, closing more and more the space between us.

-I know, but I feel we wasted a lot of time,- hiding his face in the space between your neck.

-Then we’d better hurry to get it back,- making her laugh and you feel a current run through your body.

She moves away to kiss you and you feel her tongue asking for permission, she starts to explore your mouth while one of your hands moves to unbutton her bra, already with the garment out of the way you leave kisses along her jaw, on the extension of her neck, until you reach the valley between her breasts, you look at her from your place and smile at the beautiful view.

-Y/n..please- pulling your hair.

-I like the way you say my name,- planting a kiss.

You haven’t done anything yet and you already have her moaning in anticipation.

-Please,- she says again, and you decide to give her what she wants.

With one hand you knead one of her breasts, while your lips are wrapped around her other nipple, a series of curses come out of the blonde with the grip on your hair tighter, this action encourages you to graze your teeth on the hardened bud.

After repeating your actions on the other breast you get off her lap and get down on your knees on the floor, you spread her legs apart having a direct view to see how wet she is.

-I’m flattered that I’m the one making you wet like this,- leaving a trail of kisses between her thighs.

-Stop playing… fuck…

She interrupts herself the moment you run your tongue over her panties, even with the piece of cloth getting in your way you can still manage to taste it.

-You taste so good,- you say without taking your eyes off her face and watching as a crimson color covers her cheeks.

This reaction doesn’t go unnoticed by you and she remembers how shy they used to get when you flattered her. As you remove her panties you splash kisses your way, your eyes never leaving her face as you dive between her legs, her taste is so addictive it makes you moan, making Cordelia bite her lip to stifle her moans.

You suck on her clit earning her pulling your hair harder and letting out a small moan; one of her hands is gripping the sheets and you notice how her knuckles turn white from the tight grip.

Cordelia had had sex before, but this felt different, you knew where to touch to make her squirm under your touch; she felt the familiar knot building in her lower stomach and the sensation of your tongue working on her was pushing her to the limit.

-I’ll make it the best orgasm you’ve ever had in your life,- you say, leaving a kiss on her thigh, before diving back down between her legs.

When your tongue makes contact again you make Cordelia let out a loud moan, you had made her senses intensify, that implied that everything you did she felt 10 times more intense; you see how Cordelia falls backwards unable to hold all the amount of pleasure you make her feel and getting closer to get her release.

Hitting an exact spot you make her come, making your face covered with her juices and you didn’t stop until she had to pull you away from her because of how sensitive she feels.

-You did very well,- not before leaving a kiss on each thigh.

Wiping some of her juices with your hand you settle in next to her drawing random patterns on her skin as you wait for her to recover.

Opening her eyes Cordelia finds you looking at her with such adoration that it makes her chest heave.

-How are you feeling?

-That… was…- breathing heavily.

You chuckle softly brushing aside a lock of hair and leaving a kiss on her cheek.

-I hope I didn’t miss it on my hand.

Now it’s Cordelia’s turn to laugh, since a few minutes ago you were between her legs eating her like it was your last meal.

-How did you do that?

-I simply intensified your senses making you feel everything 10 times more,- finishing with a smirk.

The moment is broken by the sound of someone knocking on the door,

-Delia, dear, you should be downstairs,- Myrtle says from the other side of the door.

You notice how the blonde is tensing up and you decide to take the reins of the situation, with a simple movement of your hand you make them both dressed and you approach to open the door.

-I’m sorry for barging in, it’s just that I wanted to talk to her,- you say, offering a smile to the woman.

-I’m sure,- not believing you in the least, -there’s a woman looking for you, she says she has some business to attend to.

-Oh… apparently I have to go, it was nice to see you again,- hugging Myrtle, -I hope we can catch up later Delia,- saying goodbye to her with a kiss on the cheek.

AND THEY LIVED THE REST OF THEIR LIVES DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE.

FIN

#american horror story #ahs #ahs coven #coven #supreme #cordelia goode #cordelia #cordelia goode x reader #cordelia x reader #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader

[marvelousartcatastrophe]

I am considering dropping Miracle Box as a project.

I am very sorry to say that, especially since recently it’s been gaining more attention now that the first book is complete. And especially since I just posted the first chapter of the New York special, but I feel like maybe it is not the best idea to peruse such a project that gives nothing in reward.

I wish I had just wrapped up the story in the first fic but I hadn’t planned on it and purposely left loose ends to branch into the future fics following it. But I didn’t.

Now for those of you who care I figure I ought to explain why this is a thought going through my head:

Miracle Box was something I was passionate about but it was always fueled by anger for the show and as it went on it started feeling less like an mlb rewrite and more like a angry pit of violence and conflict and angst because I was just putting EVERYTHING into it. It is a hefty project that would have four books if you count the New York special, and even an additional fifth one if I did the Shang Hai one too. But I am not getting paid to write this. Book one on its own was 40k words longer than the book I wrote that I’m supposed to actually make money for.

Fanfiction for me has always been about practicing my writing skills before I put them into something real. But the style of writing I had to use for miracle box followed a storyline as if being told by a TV series, as that would fit it. I am fully capable of doing that, in fact, that’s what I’m majoring in. But as a book? It just looks sloppy. And what I mean by this is having scenes told by characters who aren’t the main characters, perspectives switching in the middle or abruptly after a scene, pacing focusing strictly on one or two characters who aren’t the main protagonists (in this case my Alya arc), having flashbacks told by no one simply to just show them for the reader, etc. That works for building comics and TV series and movies. Not for a book written the way I write. It feels like I’m ripping myself apart when I do that and that was for a majority of Miracle Box.

MLB as a show is just a mess. I can’t even get through season five it is painful to watch. I’m cringing at everything and the scenes people fantasize over are giving me second hand embarrassment for some reason. I don’t connect to the fandom that well and it’s so much easier for me to talk about literally anything else. My blog is centered on miraculous but in reality, mlb is like… one of my least favorite pieces of media, I can’t stand it, I don’t understand it. I would rather be able to have my blog focus on marvel or Atla or anime or literally anything BUT miraculous.

And lastly, this is more private but I feel like I need to share it to justify wanting to skimp out on this project, I’m dealing with a considerable amount of physical pain right now. I don’t want to explain what’s going on but just know that doing things like sitting up for over 30 minutes causes me way too much physical distress. I power through it all the time anyways but if I’m going to be writing I don’t want to waist my efforts on a fanfiction but rather finish editing my second book so I can get it published.

Basically I’m depressed :’)

I don’t know what to do with Miracke Box it kinda feels like I’m abandoning a child on the street. So to serve it Justice I might make a series of videos talking about how the story was going to go and the lore of all the things I created because there is still SO MUCH to unpack with it.

Anyways. This post was only for my followers but I doubt many people will find it who isn’t a follower anyways but if you are that stranger, what’s up, you should buy my book, Land of Armonia, on Amazon.

#art catastrophe

[motownfiction]

uncle roy comes to visit

The Doyle kids almost never get to see their Uncle Roy.

He’s a pretty cool guy. Uncle Roy is about two years younger than his sister, Maggie, and he’s a creative writing professor in Massachusetts. He even got an Em-Eff-Ayyyy from I-Oh-Wahhh, which is how Mom says it every time she talks about him. Years ago, when the twins were still in junior high, he still lived in Detroit. The kids saw him more often then, but it was always thick with something Sadie and Charlie didn’t completely understand.

Sam got it, though.

Uncle Roy has never been married, doesn’t have kids (that he knows of, he jokes – Roy’s had more casual girlfriends than even Daniel could have dreamt of, before Sadie), and gives the best presents. Sam never would have gotten into Bo Diddley as a kid without him.

Sam wouldn’t have a lot of his favorite things without Roy.

He’s in town for the twins’ graduation tomorrow. It’s been about two years since he’s been back home. Everybody��s pretty excited. Charlie wants to show him the piano, Sadie wants to talk to him about everything she’s read this year, and Sam just wants to see him.

Dad picks Roy up from the airport. Mom wouldn’t go. She told the kids she wanted to spend that time getting the house ready, but Sam thought that sounded like bullshit. Before any visit from Roy, Mom has to hide in her room, stare straight ahead at a wall, and do nothing.

Roy walks through the door in the middle of the afternoon. Sam turns back into an eight-year-old boy and runs to the living room to meet him there. Forget Sadie and Charlie. They don’t understand the same way Sam does. They never have. Maybe they’re trailing behind him, but for once – for now – it doesn’t matter.

“Why, if it isn’t Sam Spade,” Roy says, wrapping Sam up in the hug that most men would have exchanged for a cold handshake by now. But Roy’s different. He gets it. He gets that you don’t stop hugging just because you turn eighteen.

“Hey, Roy,” Sam says, hugging him tighter, feeling like it’s been much longer than two years since they last saw each other. “Glad you could make it.”

“Ah, come on, don’t act so surprised. I wasn’t gonna miss your graduation. I’ve only got one sister. Gotta make all the milestones count. You know what I mean?”

Sam grins. He doesn’t know what to do, so he just hugs Roy again. When Roy relaxes into it, Sam knows. He knows just how much he gets it.

“So, what’s it gonna be?” Roy asks. “You gonna go to college, or are you gonna backpack around Europe for a year like I would have if I’d been rich, had the guts, or either?”

“Kind of a compromise,” Sam says. “You’re lookin’ at a future student of Hank High.”

Roy smiles and shakes his head – the kind of look most adults give to Sam when they find someone as smart and as full of potential as he is will spend two years in community college, not caring. Sam takes a breath.

“I mean, if I’m not sure if college is right for me, why should I go just because I know I’m smart?” Sam says. “It could be a huge waste of money … and, and time … and I just don’t know if it would be fair to anyone if I went. Least of all myself.”

Why is he panicking so much? And why is he trying to justify himself? Whenever anyone else asks him about school next year, he sweeps it under the rug, cool as ever. Sam Doyle doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone else. He’s Sam Doyle. He’s beyond.

Roy smiles like he knows too much. He always knows too much.

“I didn’t say anything,” he says.

“Yeah, but your aura did,” Sam says. “Look at yourself.”

Roy sticks his hands out and examines them closely.

“This is the best I can do,” he says. “What am I supposed to see?”

Sam rolls his eyes.

“Please,” he says. “I love a good literalization for laughs, but I just … man, I don’t know what I need.”

He sighs and plops down on the couch like a bad child actor. He can feel Roy laughing a little – not laughing at him, per se, but at the rest of the world. Roy gets it. He’s beyond, too.

“I didn’t think this conversation was gonna turn sad,” Sam says. “I was so happy when you called and said you’d be here … I didn’t want it to be this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Roy says. “Nothing’s happening. I’m just sitting here with my nephew.”

“You’re standing.”

Roy smiles and sits down on the couch – right next to Sam.

“Thanks,” Sam says.

“Now, we don’t have to talk about any of this,” Roy says – always getting straight to the heart of everything, always understanding everybody. “We can talk about anything you want, like whether or not that Breakfast Club was a good movie, or if John Hughes ripped off my book from last year that nobody read.”

“He totally did.”

“Totally. But I ripped off Kasdan, who ripped off Renoir, who ripped off Laclos and Les Liaisons dangereuses, so I think we all lose.”

Sam laughs a little.

“You’re gonna make me talk about college, aren’t you?” he asks.

“No. I just think you’ll feel better if you do. Nobody’s judging you, Sam. Not here. Not me. I promise.”

Sam nods. If anyone’s telling the truth about that, it’s Roy. According to Grandpa, when Roy first announced he wanted to be a writer instead of anything else, with all his brains and talent, he yelled at him for three days straight. Roy gets it. He’s been there.

It’s just that he has the degrees to prove he’s worth it.

Sam isn’t sure what to do with the fact that he just thought that sentence, all without stopping himself.

“How did you know college was right for you?” he asks.

Roy shrugs.

“I guess it’s just what I was expected to do,” he says. “It was a year before you and Sadie were born. Your mom had done the college and marriage thing, and if I hadn’t … would have looked even worse to my dad, believe me.”

Sam nods.

“But did you think you’d like it?” he asks. “Or did you think it would hold you back? I think about the syllabus papers that Lucy’s parents draw up … I don’t know, they just look like prison to me.”

“I worried about that,” Roy says. “Turns out you’re only as held back as you let yourself be. When you come up with your own ideas … professors kind of like that. It’s not like high school. High school is designed just to crush your spirit and make you hate yourself, whichever comes first. College isn’t like that if you know what to do with it.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that. I don’t know whether I should believe it.”

“I can’t tell you that. If I tried to tell you what to believe …”

“It’d be the anti-Roy. I know.”

Roy laughs a little.

“The anti-Roy,” he says. “I kind of like that. He’s probably a Wall Street douche.”

“Definitely.”

Roy turns his head and looks around the house, probably for signs of intelligent life elsewhere. Sam looks at him and wonders why it doesn’t feel like two years since he was last home. He looks the same. Thick dark hair. Brown eyes. Taller than hell. People always said Sam looked more like his mother’s side of the family – even more than Sadie, who got Dad’s reddish hair. But Sam looks more like a Brady than a Doyle. Ever since he was born.

Eventually, Roy turns his head back around to look at Sam. They look each other in the eye, which is briefly very strange – almost like looking at Sadie. Roy exhales.

“You know, I almost forgot,” he says. “You’ve got brown eyes, too.”

Sam smiles.

“Yeah,” he says. “Like your dad.”

“Heh. Don’t remind me.”

There’s some commotion from the back of the house. Sam’s whole body tightens up, even though he knows what’s happening. They come from every corner, just like a sitcom. Dad from the garage, Sadie from her bedroom, Charlie from the basement. And Mom … just Mom.

Roy spots Mom first.

Sam sighs into the noise.

Brace yourself.

#drabble #writeblr #ch: sam doyle #ch: roy brady #series: these eyes #wake up babes new character just dropped

[youronlyoneofcl]

Revenant

★★★★★★★★★★

SPOILER ALERT

Once again, Kim Tae Ri has proven why she's a Rank 1 actor. Special mention was her portrayal of the ghost desperate to live yet Tae Ri's character was forcing her to burn the final key object to banish the spirit.

I played that scene multiple times because I can't get enough of the out of this world acting by Kim Tae Ri. I felt compassion on the ghost in that scene. She only wanted to live because she was wronged when she was still alive. And her very strong desire to live, by trying to fight back San Young (Tae Ri's character), was delivered by Tae Ri in a very powerful way. I think Tae Ri's theater acting training and exposure greatly helped her at that moment. She knew how to act the ghost's desires and desperation to live without overdoing it.

Of course, I also commend the director and the cameraman for perfectly capturing that moment, up close and personal. It magnified what Tae Ri wants the audience to feel: this ghost, she was a victim, while it doesn't justify the ghost's murders, it is us humans who turned her that way.

Which is true. Many of humans only think of their own desires and greed, and doesn't care if another human being turn evil because of their actions and words. Yes, we cannot blame others for our own actions, but we also cannot deny the fact that we are who we are because of our experiences.

For me, the moral of this story is that we should always strive to do good. If you truly want to be selfish, then keep your mouth shut instead of speaking hurtful words behind other people's backs. For example, San Young realised how she was killing herself in the final episode because of how people said hurtful words, like that scene with the convenient store manager. If one did not notice, Tae Ri showed her "evil face" at that time, and she was not yet influenced by the ghost then.

Many of us probably reacted that way too after hearing hurtful words from people. Our faces probably showed how we want "kill" them for looking down on us as if us struggling in life was our fault (when it was just what we're given). Or, like it was a sin to have been born in that situation. And that moment was when San Young, without her knowledge until the final episode, that she started to slowly kill herself.

I've been there, too, without me realising what I'm doing. You gave up. You just try to live every day, but you no longer have any desire to live. You are just waiting for death to collect you, and you'll even welcome death with open arms. And the ghost that possessed San Young, she was right. San Young was wasting her life, and she (the ghost) wants to live.

The show may have been about ghosts and suicide. But if we look deeper into it, it is sending us a message that we should strive to live no matter what. Why? Because there were people whose lives ended not out of their own will, rather, they were forced to it. They were victims.

So, to you and me, this show is a strong and powerful message. Fight to live. It is hard. I know, I am struggling myself. I want to give up. I had enough of this life. But, let's fight to live another day. Let's show this world, let's show this evil society that we have today, that we can. If we know people whose lives ended early, either through suicide or they were murdered, let's live for them. They have desires and dreams, let's live for them, and maybe, through us, our society will become better.

Thank you, Kim Tae Ri, to the cast, the staff, the director, the writer, for this very timely story and message. I hope you'll win awards for this, you 100% deserve to grab all the awards.

Discuss on Trakt

#Revenant #trakt

[ml-1998]

Last Part 4/4

I didn’t hear from you and I had to be told by my mum that you were okay. All the time wondering why you hadn’t reached to me and why you were ignoring my texts so I decided that on the off chance you were in I’d go and see you in work. So I went. To think I brought a hoodie in my bag I slept in so it smelled like me. How I brought you Mike and ikes and tried to find some galaxy cookie crumble everywhere because I knew it was favourite sweets. And how I brought my necklace with the coke cap and ring I promised I’d give you back when we got together again. But then you told me. I’ll be honest. The second you told me you met someone else a knife into my heart and when you said the other thing the same knife twisted and I was looking at you but I couldn’t hear you. I felt everything crumbling down. All the love and hope of us being together again went away and just hurt kicked and disappointed and anger. And I could see how much it was hurting you to tell me and how the second you realise I never did anything hurt you and you regretted not saying anything. You should have told me. And I said some things that I’ll never forgive myself for. Like telling you you didn’t love me as much as I loved you or how you broke the promise you made or how your mum wasn’t dangling anything infront of you if I worked with you. I was just angry. I really wanted to say be with me instead. Hearing you say you still have feelings for me and that those don’t go away. And how he reminds you of me. But he’s not me. I was there. Standing infront of you asking you to be with me and love me even though I never said it. You knew right? You had to know. I spent the last 12 months waiting for the year mark to message you to get back together. I should have done it sooner. March was my last chance to. I’m not angry anymore. I hate myself for the things I said to you no matter how hurt I was. Sending you a message saying “never speak to me again” I deleted it because I instantly regretted it. But being having a message off him was bad enough. One threatening me was worse and I saw red because I thought you told him. And it hurt when you tried to justify it. I realised then that we couldn’t be friends. It’s not fair. I never thought you’d block me though. I understand why you did and frankly one of us had to do it. But it hurts the same. I feel like the book is finished now but I don’t want it to be. My heart wants to say maybe in the future. My brain doesn’t because I can’t keep clinging onto to hope that you’ll realise what you had and finally gain the courage to keep it. You said he’s all you have right now. That wasn’t true. You’ve always had me. I never stopped putting you first. I think I proved that when I went to stoke when you ran away. But now I guess you don’t have me anymore. You made the choice to cut me out for good. I hope you unblock me in the future. And you’re alone and we can sit down somewhere and talk. Maybe reminisce the days we were together. Instead of trying to devalue as just some good times and say we argued a lot over your family because we never did. We talked about how much we wanted each other. I never wanted to hurt you. I promised you I wouldn’t. You promised the same. We both broke that promise. I know there’s a very slim chance you’ll ever read this. But no one follows this page but you and I really hope you do. I really did love you. So much it hurts alot right now. And I know I was the best thing for you. But you saw it and couldn’t take it. I’ve never cried the way I have these last two days. I cried outside Tesco when I left. Been crying every since.

I hope you find happiness and peace. It’s gonna take me a long time to find mine. Because you were mine and you’re gone. And it hurts that I’m no longer yours.

[compartmentalisinghmpf]

Why I’m so weird about (some forms of) guilt in fic (maybe)

I don’t want to write a big general meta here, just add some personal context to my (no longer quite so) recent “Complicated Feelings” post. Again, just very personal stuff, not a general statement of any sort at all. Warning: going on a very weird detour here - but my feelings on all this are coming from a very weird place, or at least I suspect they do.

This was kinda sorta prompted by my asking myself “why do I respond differently to Bro Strider than I do to various other characters who’ve also done bad shit; and arguably worse shit?” - but it’s really (mostly) not about that at all - though I do come back to it at the end.

In about a quarter century in fandom I think I’ve liked only four or five characters very strongly, in the fannish way (not necessarily always in the “ fan crush” way; but always in the sense of a strong fascination), who have not done terrible things. Other than that handful, it’s pretty much a parade of literal mass murderers there - though one may quibble with the exact term, in some cases. I’m using the word in a very broad sense, here. Ironically, some of them didn’t turn into, or turn out to be that until fairly late into proceedings, and I fell for them well before that, so it’s almost like I have some weird sixth sense. I didn’t know Cooper would get possessed. I didn’t know Methos was a Horseman of the Apocalpyse. I didn’t know John Crichton would start blowing up PK bases. Hell, Ramse started out as the walking conscience of the Ramse-Cole duality!

All of this is to say: these days, I’m really more surprised when a character I am fascinated by does not turn out to have massive amounts of blood on their hands, than when it turns out that they do. It just... keeps happening!

And oh my fuck, I’m German - second generation post-war, old enough for all my grandparents to have been adults during it, which means they probably Did Shit, even if just to the degree of looking away. And yes, this means I don’t actually Know, nobody ever talked about it, especially not the one I suspect saw or did the most, who barely ever talked at all about anything, and died earlyish, after years of dementia. The only one who told me anything at all ever was one of my grandmas, a tiny little bit, the last time I saw her before her death.

Ever since I began to understand German history a little bit, I felt a kind of distance between my grandparents and me.

And still it took me 22 years to realise that there’s quite possibly Something German going on with my obsession with guys who kill a lot of people.

For what it’s worth, the fictional mass murderers I attach to are usually about as far removed, in motivation and execution, from nazis as they could be - with the possible recent exception of Bob Howard, who operates - with great qualms, but also loyalty - in a political context that is beginning to resemble that, though still lacking the genocidal aspect. There’s other important differences there, too, but the differences - like the fact that his actions can, in the books’ universe, actually be justified - bother me even more than the similarities.

See, the characters I tend to like so strongly are usually Good Guys, of some description. Take this with all the usual reservations about terms like “good” or “bad” as applied to actual people; I’m talking about narrative functions, here.

They are, usually, Good Guys gone (or going) catastrophically wrong, in situations where doing something terrible begins to look necessary and justifiable. Maybe, sometimes, is necessary and/or justifiable. (So you might quibble also with the assessment that it’s “wrong”. But I’d argue that it still is, and that that’s important.)

(Notable exception to all this: Methos. He is... always and forever... a special case.)

So. If you make the mental link between these fictional Good Guys making “hard choices”, and my family history (and general German history), it’s all beginning to look... pretty skeevy.

There’s supposedly a  phenomenon among younger Germans, where basically everyone thinks their relatives were in the resistance, and of course, actually almost nobody was. Well, I know mine weren’t, and I never told myself that they were. But what I’m wondering, and what’s making me incredibly uncomfortable, is this: Am I subconsciously trying to tell myself, in this maximally indirect and convoluted way, that they may have felt it was all necessary and justifiable? Is that what’s going on here? I really, really hope it isn’t, because that really, truly, isn’t how the whole nazi thing worked - but it’s hard to be sure what’s going on in your own subconscious, because, well. It’s subsconscious.

Whatever really lies at the root of my fascination, though, I have always been slightly wary of it - long before I even began to suspect that there might be a legitimate reason to be uneasy. I’ve always felt like I was putting my empathy in the wrong place, I guess.

Perhaps as a consequence, I have always been incredibly picky in how, exactly, I like the topic of characters’ guilt dealt with in fiction. And make no mistake about it, I do like to see it dealt with in fiction. I keep coming back for it. (Again: German much?)

But at the same time, there are ways of handling it that are so strongly upsetting to me that it could count as a squick, and this has been the case since my very first contact with fic back in the late 90s.

My preferences do vary slightly, from character to character, and from situation to situation. Methos, who has a surviving victim (one out of tens of thousands) who confronts him, is a different story than John Crichton, who bombs military bases and ships and doesn’t ever meet any survivors other than Scorpius, who is also his torturer and thus hardly qualifies straightforwardly as a victim. And of course Methos and John also had fundamentally different motivations for what they did, and also did fundamentally different things, even if their overall body count may be similar. By modern morals, Methos has stooped considerably lower than John ever did. John is an actual Good Guy, who made the proverbial “hard choices”. We don’t know if Methos ever was that, but he certainly wasn’t during the Horsemen days.

But, to generalise as much as I can here, one of the central things to me, with guilt of the magnitude I’m talking about, is that there really is no way to “remove” it. Or to make up for it. Ever. Yes, I’m being very German, I know. But this is really important to me, in fic that deals with these topics.

The concept of forgiveness makes no sense to me, in this context. And any story that focuses on getting the characters to a place (mentally etc.) where they can receive it, is a story I probably do not want to read. Forgiveness cannot be the goal, here.

Which doesn’t mean that I am interested in punishment or revenge, instead.

Or that I take issue with stories that focus on victims, survivors, for their own reasons, getting to a place where they can forgive.

Remember that I’m talking about mass murder here, though; and that I’m talking as someone who - regrettably, disturbingly, inevitably(?) - keeps getting really invested in characters who have committed it. I read from the perpetrator’s POV. Or with an emotional focus on them, anyway.

With this constellation, it is important to acknowledge that there is no one who can forgive these characters, in a sense of actually relieving them of their guilt. There can’t be. Even if there are survivors, they can only ever possibly forgive a small part of the deeds; they cannot speak for the dead. (They also shouldn’t have to.)

(Yes, the same is technically true for any murder, even just a single one, and arguably much of the same discussion I’m having here could also be had about that. I’d still argue, probably, that there is usually something of a qualitative difference, but I’m not going to do another super weird essay on morally ranking different kinds of murder here; I did enough of that already, last year, and weirded out even myself in the process.)

So. Back to the topic at hand. The guilt is, and has to be, perpetual, and fic that doesn’t have that awareness built into its very bones, is fic I usually don’t want to read.

And yet I also don’t want to read about anyone wallowing uselessly in inescapable guilt, either. (Yes, I know, picky, picky...)

What I do want to read tends to be fic about characters who grapple with that inescapability in some way, who have to integrate that into their sense of self - accept it - without being paralysed by it, without letting it define them entirely, without becoming trapped and unable to move forward. In the end, it’s all about moving forward - without resolving that central tension, because that is fundamentally irresolvable.

(I sometimes wonder if this is psychologically unhealthy, this insistence of mine on the impossibility of forgiveness. But also, perhaps sometimes the most psychologically beneficial thing isn’t also the most moral thing. Perhaps some kinds of pain are worth carrying forever.

Also, perhaps the distinction between acceptance and forgiveness is academic, in this context. And acceptance? That feels pretty healthy.)

I think that fictional mass murder, especially in sf&f and in fan fiction, is used as, sort of, the safe terrible thing. Nobody (or at least almost nobody) puts a content warning for mass murder. It’s too big to be real, perhaps. It doesn’t feel personal. (Again, especially the types that occur in sf&f - the Death Star blowing up Alderaan, etc.) I suspect that - especially in fiction that deals with themes of guilt, redemption, forgiveness etc. - it’s often a stand-in for all sorts of other things that can cause feelings of guilt, including, I suspect, a lot more “harmless” ones - the kinds where forgiveness makes a lot more sense. So a lot of fic that ostensibly deals with mass murder... often doesn’t actually deal with mass murder.

(I think.)

Conversely - and now we’re finally getting back to Homestuck, yes, we’re finally here - child abuse, is too real, too personal. It’s not a stand-in for anything, it’s not a safe terrible thing to play with to explore something else, it is just itself. And just in being itself, in fiction it carries a sense of enormity and irrevocability and unforgiveability that - probably - surpasses that of (science-fictional) mass murder.

And I think that with my tendency to see even the customary Safe Terrible Thing as carrying all or at least a fair amount of the weight of the real thing (for whatever reason), I’m transferring/projecting all of my attitudes and ideas about guilt and (non-)forgiveness in fiction wholesale onto this, because to me, on some level, if feels similar. Not the same, but similar enough.

(Which is actually bizarre, because really it’s very different. Not least because - at least in the particular situation that prompted these weird musings, i.e. the situation described in, you know, The Fic - nobody’s dead, and everybody’s still dealing with each other, which means that all sorts of things are possible.

But there is still an enormity to it, and irrevocability.)

For whatever reason, I am also reading this particular kind of situation far more from the abused person’s POV than from the perpetrator’s. (And the fact that that is strange for me again makes me ask myself: why is mass murder so much more... identifiable-with? Side-eyeing my subconscious with great suspicion. --- Though probably some of it is simply that I’ve been a child who was subjected to some amount of violence, though not from parents/adults; I remember sensing, even at the time, how that was warping me, away from the person I could have been, turning me into something that I still think is probably lesser. And in that case, maybe there’s nothing particularly suspicious at all about where my sympathies lie, here.)

Which doesn’t mean that rng Bro isn’t fascinating to read about, or that I don’t empathise with him, because I do - quite a lot, actually. But he hasn’t made it onto my list of people whose “hard”, arguably terrible/murderous choices fascinate me near-obsessively (or just plain obsessively) - even though his motivations and choices would actually make him a fairly good fit; even though the way he dehumanises himself is not so very different from Bob Howard’s.

#absolutely nobody wants to read this thing but I needed to write it anyway #cw: abuse #but mostly mass murder #nobody puts a cw for mass murder #abuse mention #not actually discussed in great detail or anything #just reread this two weeks on and feeling extremely embarrassed #but I'm leaving it up #but I want to add #this really isn't about the legitimacy of writing about anything #it's only about looking at where my own reactions are coming from #and kind of side-eyeing them in a very specific context #and I may very well be wrong