#what used to happen is i would get up early then fight executive dysfunction all day saying i couldn't do fun stuff until i did my work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

captaincravatthecapricious · 3 years

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In Which I Project

Jon has some sort of neurodivercence and it is making work hard.

@janekfan

cw Jon is really really getting down on himself about what his brain is making hard, so cw for that and internalized ablism relating to things like rsd and executive dysfunction. Jon also takes this out on his coworkers, because that is how Jon can be. This chapter is a bit heavy with a hopeful end. If there is a chapter two, it will have a lot more fluff, promise. (The reason Jon doesn't have a diagnosis is because I am projecting and I am not 100% what all is going on in my brain, this is just my experience.) Also mentions of alcohol and food.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Why is he like this? Why can’t he just fucking be a normal, functional person. Why does his brain behave like a backed up, broken drain. He can’t think today.

He’s been staring at his computer since 6:30 this morning. He’s been here eight hours. And it isn’t like he isn’t getting anything done. But it’s not what he meant to do.

He was going to check his email, record a statement, do some filing, check Martin’s work, then do some follow ups and check his email again before going home.

Well. He checked his email. Then he noticed a flaw in what he filed yesterday so he had to fix that. Then the loo was out of toilet tissue and he had to go chase down that, because the building’s maintenance tends to skip the Archives half the time. (Which is usually fine because it’s used by four fairly neat people, but doesn’t help when they run out of things). Then Elias had requested a meeting. And that sent Jon spiraling because he wasn’t supposed to have a meeting today. That was supposed to be tomorrow and while it’s nice that he doesn’t have to do that tomorrow it threw off his whole day and now he just feels like he’s going to cry or pass out or break his jaw by clenching it so hard.

He can’t do it.

He tries to make himself record a statement. He does.

But he can’t open the file.

He can’t.

He wants to scream in frustration. Which, of course, is when Martin walks in.

Jon doesn’t mean to yell. He really doesn’t. He doesn’t know where this vitriol comes from. Was he always like this? He doesn’t even remember what he says, just the acrid taste of bitter words on his tongue.

When Martin flees, he tries to open the file again but the color and whine of the lights breaks down on him and his dragging fatigue.

He tries to loosen his jaw. Wiggles it side to side. It pops, but ultimately goes back to tense. It’s starting to give him a headache.

He can’t do this. It’s barely lunch. He’s gotten nothing done.

He tries to open this statement.

He opens his email instead.

The library wants his books back.

He’s tired. He means to gather his books and bring them up, but he ends up cleaning his desk and making notes on half researched statements he forgot about yesterday.

That puts him off balance. He hates not finishing. It makes him feel on edge. Like the world is going to drop from below his feet at any moment. Like, in forgetting, the world has already dropped from beneath him, and he’s been walking on empty air and delusions. And if this has already happened, how can he be sure it didn’t happen before.

He finishes cleaning and files the loose statements away.

He finally remembers to drink some water.

He rubs his eyes against unshed tears and exhaustion. It’s too bright. Too loud.

He takes his books up to the library.

Hannah in the library tells him to remind Tim to return his books, she he does that.

Jon is. Edging towards …probably a nervous breakdown, if he’s honest with himself, by the time he stands before Tim’s desk.

And Tim isn’t going to relinquish his books without a fight.

“You can give Martin a rest or I’ll tell Hannah that you lost her books.” Tim crosses his arms.

It’s reasonable, Jon knows. He’s behaved childishly. This is more than warranted. But, unfortunately his brain isn’t working. He’s caught up in the disappointment in Tim’s tone, and again, the floor drops from beneath his feet. Stomach dropping. He tries to convince himself that, no, Tim doesn’t hate him. All he as to do is agree or apologize which he should do anyhow. But. But what comes out of his mouth is something along the lines of, “Tim, I’ll thank you not to try to run my department. This is hardly professional behavior. Who do you think Hannah is more likely to believe?”

This wouldn’t have been so bad, if not for the force and anger in his tone. Misplaced confusion and frustration and exhaustion.

He turns on his heel before Tim finds the words to argue.

This is it.

He’s ruined everything.

Tim will never talk to him again and Sasha won’t either because he was rude to Tim. And of course Tim’s mad at him because he was a prick to Martin.

It’s all his fault. He should have been able to stay on task. He’s an adult, damnit!

He finally opens the file but he hitches a sob before he can squeeze the introduction out of his tight jaw.

He can’t do this.

He can’t do this job.

He can’t sleep at night and work all day. Can’t even feed himself or get to the store once a week.

How the fuck did he make it through school. He’s a worthless mess.

Georgie knew it.

He wants to scream.

They’re talking about him. They must be. That shouldn’t matter to him. He’s their boss. Besides, he was right even if he was rude about it. Martin does make irritating mistakes. He could have been more professional about handling it, but he still had to say something. And Tim. Tim had no right to bargain that way. He has a responsibility to the library, and trying to use it as leverage against Jon is ridiculous.

But at the same time. There are the closest he has… had to friends. Tim was his friend. Right?

Had he made that up too? Has some memory of some earlier misdeed fallen out of the torn hole in the pocket of his memory where he looses things like hours, tasks, sleep, meals, meetings, half-finished statements on his desk.

Why is he like this?

He gets some more work done. But none of the stuff on his list.

He tries to make himself read the statement, again. But he doesn’t.

It’s late. He’s left with lingering taste of disappointment and discontent.

Today’s been a wash.

He looks angrily at his scribbled to do list on the neon sticky note, from the stack Tim gave him back in Research. Nothing’s been crossed off. Statement has been circled twice. He rubs at his eyes. Tries to wipe away the tension headache. Remembers to take a drink of water, finally. It’s been hours. It does help, a little, soothes some of the anxious desperation and crushing despair. He wonders how much of it would be soothed if he got himself a hot meal. How would it compare to the relief of finished that statement.

But…. he won’t be able to go home and sleep if he doesn’t finish, because he won’t be able to relax until he gets it done.

He allows himself 5 minutes to cry. He sets a timer.

It doesn’t help. Doesn’t even offer the release he’d been hoping for.

He dries his eyes with his sleeve.

He reads the statement. And scolds himself for taking all day to get to it. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t even that bad. It was a foolish statement that reeked of mischief and falsehood. And he wasted his whole day avoiding it.

He cries again, then. No timer.

He leaves his office. He’s finally done with the day. It’s edging on 21:00. He feels like shit. Of course he hadn’t brought a lunch, why would he have enough brain cells to do that? He did make a halfhearted attempt at breakfast. But that was a lot of hours ago, and he’d barely managed a few bites before his anxious stomach had stopped him. He doesn’t feel hungry now, but he knows he is by the shakiness if his limbs, the over-lightness in his head, the irritation at himself still thick in his veins.

He still has to get himself home.

Then he hears footsteps on the stairs. He thinks about going back to his office, but the idea of going back in there makes his head spin. He’s spent too long in his office. Christ, he just wants to sleep. Just wants to be in bed without having to get home and make dinner or order dinner or shower or get in bed. He just wants to be there. Just wants to be there and sleep of eternity. He angrily brushes away a stray tear.

Of course, it’s too late now to try to hide, and eh certainly can’t hide how rumpled and tear-stained he is. So he stands there dumbly, some archaic part of his brain reasoning that if he stays still, maybe no one will see him.

Tim sees him. Tim is laughing on his phone, pleasantly buzzed, and fumbling for the jacket he most likely forgot before going for drinks. At least it’s still fairly early. At least Tim still cares enough about his job to wrap it up at a decent hour. He spots Jon, and hesitates. Jon doesn’t look like he’s doing well. He trails off mid chuckle. “Sorry Sash, I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, yeah? Had fun tonight.”

What does he say to Jon, who’d been a right ass earlier. Jon, who is now teary and frozen, staring at him with exhaustion and mortification.

He makes a decision, making a conscious choice to make himself smaller and softer. “Hey, come back to mine, I’m going to buy you dinner. As my boss, you’re a prick, and I haven’t forgotten that. But as my friend, you need a curry. Maybe we can sort out my asshole boss and my upset friend at the same time, yeah?”

#the magnus archives #tma #jonathan sims #tim stoker #timothy stoker #my words #my fic #hurt/ comfort #cw food #cw alcohol #cw internalized ableism

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stereostevie · 3 years

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“I sacrificed the quality of my life to help people experience something that had been unreachable before then,” Grammy winner says in rare interview

In the late Nineties, the story of popular music became the story of Ms. Lauryn Hill. She first rose to fame as an actress and a member of the Fugees, whose second and final album, 1996’s The Score, remains one of that decade’s biggest albums. Then, at just 22 years old, Hill took a huge leap and decided to go solo. Released in 1998, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill filled clubs, radio stations, and MTV with her smooth voice and biting rhymes. Hill herself became as big as her music, appreciated in the fashion world and sought after by movie executives for roles she would eventually decline.

Miseducation took home five Grammy Awards and led to a huge tour. But by the early 2000s, Ms. Hill left behind the fame and the industry almost entirely. She has never released another studio album; her last full-length release was MTV Unplugged No. 2.0 from 2002, where she performed new songs in an acoustic style to a largely tepid reception.

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill lives on. More than 20 years after its release, it is still regarded as one of the best albums ever made, landing at Number 10 on Rolling Stone’s voter-based 500 Greatest Albums of All Time List this past fall. Many of her songs continue to permeate culture, like the single “Ex-Factor,” which has been sampled or interpolated on major hits by Drake and Cardi B. Beyond that, the album’s impact on multiple generations of musicians is unmistakeable. Everyone from Rihanna to St. Vincent has cited Hill as having heavily influenced their own music.

The years that followed Miseducation have been complicated. After the album’s release, some of Hill’s collaborators filed a lawsuit claiming she did not properly credit them for their contributions; that suit was settled out of court three years later on undisclosed terms. In 2012, she was charged with tax fraud, and went on to serve three months in prison. More recently, she has found herself back on the road more frequently, sporadically releasing music but mostly basking in the collective love and power of Miseducation through special performances of the album.

For the latest episode of Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums podcast, Ms. Hill granted a rare interview on the making of Miseducation as well as what happened after. Over e-mail, she spoke candidly about protecting her family and the little support she had after her first album cycle ended. Excerpts from the interview can be heard in the podcast episode, available on Amazon Music, along with tales from several of the musicians who were part of those sessions, like “Commissioner Gordon” Williams, Lenesha Randolph, and Vada Nobles. Ms. Hill’s written responses are here in full.

When you began recording Miseducation, you were 22 and already experiencing immense success with the Fugees. What were you hoping to prove with this album? As far as proving myself goes, I think that’s a larger and more involved story best told at a later time, but I will say that the success of the Fugees absolutely set up The Miseducation to be as big and as well received as it was. When I decided that I wanted to try a solo project I was met with incredible resistance and discouragement from a number of places that should have been supportive, so that had a motivating factor, but it was less about proving myself and more about creating something I wanted to see and hear exist in the world. There were ideas, notions and concepts that I wanted to exist, I set off in a particular direction and kept going. Initially, I intended to work with other producers and artists but found that what I wanted to say and hear may have been too idiosyncratic at the time to just explain it and have someone else try to make it. It had to be made in a more custom manner. The team of people who would ultimately be involved, we all witnessed as it took form. It was unique and exciting.

You’ve said you found yourself especially creative during your pregnancy. How did that experience shape you as a songwriter?

It’s a wild thing to say but I was left alone during my pregnancies for the most part. It was like all of the people with all of their demands had to check themselves when I was pregnant. The resulting peace may have contributed to that sense of feeling more creative. I was pregnant with my first child during the making of The Miseducation and the situation was complicated, so I was motivated to find more stability and safety for myself and for my child, that definitely pushed me to disregard what appeared as limitations. If I struggled to fight for myself, I had someone else to fight for. This also introduced my first son’s father, Rohan Marley, into the picture, who at that time, was a protective presence. If there were people or forces attempting to prevent me from creating, he played a role in helping to keep that at bay.

During those times especially, I always wanted to be a motivator of positive change. It’s in all of my lyrics, that desire to see my community get out of its own way, identify and confront internal and external obstacles, and experience the heights of Love and self-Love that provoke transformation. I sang from that place and chose to share the joy and ecstasy of it, as well as the disappointments, entanglements and life lessons that I had learned at that point. I basically started out as a young sage lol.

When you look back on it now, is Miseducation the album you intended it to be? I’ve always been pretty critical of myself artistically, so of course there are things I hear that could have been done differently, but the LOVE in the album, the passion, its intention is, to me, undeniable. I think my intention was simply to make something that made my foremothers and forefathers in music and social and political struggle know that someone received what they’d sacrificed to give us, and to let my peers know that we could walk in that truth, proudly and confidently. At that time, I felt like it was a duty or responsibility to do so. I saw the economic and educational gaps in black communities and although I was super young myself, I used that platform to help bridge those gaps and introduce concepts and information that “we” needed even if “we” didn’t know “we” wanted it yet. Of course I’m referring to the proverbial “we.” These things had an enormous value to me and I cherished them from a very young age.

I also think the album stood apart from the types and cliches that were supposed to be acceptable at that time. I challenged the norm and introduced a new standard. I believe The Miseducation did that and I believe I still do this — defy convention when the convention is questionable. I had to move faster and with greater intention though than the dysfunctional norms that were well-established and fully funded then. I was apparently perceived by some as making trouble and being disruptive rather than appreciated for introducing solutions and options to people who hadn’t had them, for exposing beauty where oppression once reigned, and demonstrating how well these different cultural paradigms could work together. The warp speed I had to move at in order to defy the norm put me and my family under a hyper-accelerated, hyper-tense, and unfortunately under-appreciated pace. I sacrificed the quality of my life to help people experience something that had been unreachable before then. When I saw people struggle to appreciate what that took, I had to pull back and make sure I and my family were safe and good. I’m still doing that.

This album permeated culture in a way that few albums have before it existed and made you a massive star. How were you handling the public gaze at the time? There were definitely things I enjoyed about stardom, but there were definitely things I didn’t enjoy. I think most people appreciate being recognized and appreciated for their work and sacrifice. That, to me, is a given, but living a real life is essential for anyone trying to stay connected to reality and continue making things that truly affect people. This becomes increasingly harder to do in the “space” people try to place “stars” in.

The pedestal, to me, is as much about containment and control as it is adulation. Finding balance, clarity and sobriety can be very hard for some to maintain. For example, being yes’d to death isn’t good, and people fear stardom can only result in this, but if the actual answer is yes, being told no just to not appear a yes-man is silly. Never being told no if the answer is no by people afraid to disappoint will obviously also distort the mirror in which we view ourselves. On the other hand, a person with a vision can be way ahead, so people may say no with conviction and resist what they fear only to find out later that they were absolutely wrong.

The idea of artist as public property, I also always had a problem with that. I agreed to share my art, I’m not agreeing necessarily to share myself. The entitlement that people often feel, like they somehow own you, or own a piece of you, can be incredibly dangerous. I chafe under any kind of control like that and resist expectations that suggest I should somehow dumb-down and be predictable to make people feel comfortable rather than authentically express myself. I also resist unrealistic expectations placed on me by people who would never place those same requirements on themselves. I can be as diplomatic and as patient as I possibly can be. I can’t, however, sell myself short through constant self-deprecation and shrinking.

“The entitlement that people often feel, like they somehow own you, or own a piece of you, can be incredibly dangerous.”

Is there a version of “Lauryn Hill” that you feel people expected of you, and how did that compare to how you saw yourself? Absolutely, which I touched upon in the answers before this one. Life is life, to be lived, experienced and enjoyed with all of its dynamism and color. If you do something well that people enjoy, often they want the same experience over and over. A real person can be stifled and their growth completely stunted trying to do this without balance. It’s not a fair thing to ask of anyone. We all have to grow, we all have to express ourselves with as much fullness and integrity as we can manage. The celebrity is often treated like a sacrifice, the fatted calf, then boxed in and harshly judged for very normal and natural responses to abnormal circumstances.

I saw someone lambasted once for discussing episodes of anxiety before going on stage, as if anxiety was only a condition of the non-famous. It was absurd, like someone with a record out can’t get a common cold. Someone in love with the art doesn’t not experience fear or anxiety, they just do their best to transcend it or work beyond it so that the art or the passion can be made manifest. Some days are better than others. For some people it gets easier, for some it doesn’t. The unfairness, the harshness was excessive to me. I didn’t like how I was being treated at a certain point. I just wasn’t being treated well and definitely not in accordance with someone who’d contributed what I had. I had a ton of jealousy and competitiveness to contend with. That can exhaust or frustrate your efforts to make anything besides primal scream music, 😊.

Provoking that kind of aggravation was probably intentional. You have to find reasons to still do it, when you’re exposed to the ugly. People often think it’s ok to project whatever they want to on someone they perceive as having “it all” or “having so/too much.” Hero worship can be an excuse for not taking care of your own sh#t. The flip side of that adulation can turn severely ugly, aggressive, and hostile if people make another person responsible for their sense of self-worth. You can either take that abuse or say no to it. After subjecting myself to it for years, I started to say no, and then no turned into hell no, then hell no turned into f#ck no…you get my point. 😊

If you could talk to yourself at 22 now, what would you say? I’d share the things I do now with my 22-year-old self. If I had known what I know now, things would probably have unfolded differently. I would have continued to invest in people but I would have made sure I had people with the love, strength, and integrity around me to really keep their eye on the prize and my well-being. The world is full of seduction and if they can’t seduce you, they go after the people you love or depend on in some way. I would have with greater understanding tried to do more to insulate myself and my loved ones from that kind of attack.

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Looking back on that period of your life, do you have any regrets?

I have some periods of woe, some periods of sorrow and great pain, yes, but regret is tough because I ended up with a clarity I might not have been able to achieve any other way. I would have done a few things differently though if I could go back. I would have done my best to shield myself so that I could better shield my children. I would have rejected the manipulation, unfair force and pressure put on me much earlier. I would have benefitted from having more awareness about the dangers of fame. I would have been more communicative with everyone truly involved with The Miseducation and fought hard for the importance of candid expression. I would have demanded what I needed and removed people antagonistic to that sooner than I did.

You have released music since Miseducation and have continued to play live. Do you ever foresee releasing another full-length studio album? The wild thing is no one from my label has ever called me and asked how can we help you make another album, EVER…EVER. Did I say ever? Ever! With The Miseducation, there was no precedent. I was, for the most part, free to explore, experiment and express. After The Miseducation, there were scores of tentacled obstructionists, politics, repressing agendas, unrealistic expectations, and saboteurs EVERYWHERE. People had included me in their own narratives of THEIR successes as it pertained to my album, and if this contradicted my experience, I was considered an enemy.

Artist suppression is definitely a thing. I won’t go too much into it here, but where there should have been overwhelming support, there wasn’t any. I began touring because I needed the creative outlet and to support myself and my family. People were more interested in breaking me or using me to battery-power whatever they had going on than to support my creativity. I create at the speed and flow of my inspiration, which doesn’t always work in a traditional system. I have always had to custom build what I’ve needed in order to get things done. The lack of respect and willingness to understand what that is, or what I need to be productive and healthy, doesn’t really sit well with me. When no one takes the time to understand, but only takes the time to count the money the fruit of this process produces, things can easily turn bad. Mistreatment, abuse, and neglect happen. I wrote an album about systemic racism and how it represses and stunts growth and harms (all of my albums have probably addressed systemic racism to some degree), before this was something this generation openly talked about. I was called crazy. Now…over a decade later, we hear this as part of the mainstream chorus. Ok, so chalk some of it up to leadership and how that works — I was clearly ahead, but you also have to acknowledge the blatant denial that went down with that. The public abuse and ostracizing while suppressing and copying what I had done, (I protested) with still no real acknowledgement that all of that even happened, is a lot.

“I wrote an album about systemic racism… before this was something this generation openly talked about. I was called crazy.”

I continue to tour and share with audiences all over the world, but I also full-time work on the trauma, stifling, and stunting that came with all of that and how my family and I were affected. In many ways, we’re living now, making up for years where we couldn’t be as free as we should have been able to. I had to break through a ton of unjust resistance, greed, fear and just plain human ugliness. Little else can rival freedom for me. If being a superstar means living a repressed life where people will only work with you or invest in your work if they can manipulate and control you, then I’m not sure how important music gets made without some tragic set of events following. I don’t subscribe to that.

Lastly, I appreciate the people who were moved by this body of work, which really represented a lifetime — up to that point — of love, experience, wisdom, family and community investment in me, the summation of my experience from relationships, my dreams, inspirations, aspirations and God’s ever-present grace and Love in my life through the lens of my 20-something but wise-sage existence, lol. I dreamed big, I didn’t think of limits, I really only thought of the creative possibilities and addressing the needs as I saw them at that time. I also had the support of a community of talented artists, thinkers, and doers, friends and family around me. Their primary efforts (THEN) seemed to be to help clear a path and to help protect. However, when you effectively create something powerful enough to move the bulls#t out of the way, all kinds of forces and energies may not like that. They may seek to corrupt and discourage, to disrupt and distract, to divide, and sabotage…but we bore witness to the fact that this happened — a young, black woman through hip-hop culture, a legacy of soul, Spirit and an appreciation for education and educating others communicated love and timeless and necessary messages to the world.

The music business can be an industry of entanglements, where a small number of people are expected to be responsible for a very large number of people. It’s hard to find fairness in a situation like that. Now, I look for as much equity and fairness as possible. I appreciate being loved for my contributions to music, but it’s important to be loved for who you are as a person just as much, and that can be a delicate but extremely important balance to achieve. Experiencing that is important to me.

#black women #fame #hip-hop #lauryn hill #ms. lauryn hill #music #music industry #r&b #robert glasper #rollingstone #soul #the fugees #the miseducation of lauryn hill

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alexafaie-asd · 5 years

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Just some me rambling stuff.

Did some colouring for the first time in ages. Was kinda inspired by seeing some artists on youtube who I follow doing stuff for Inktober and drawing isn’t something I’m good at (and practising it isn’t something I enjoy so...) so I thought to colour in with stuff that could be classed as “ink” at least loosely. Nothing fancy, just some of the pages from a daily colouring calender I got in 2016 which I had planned to do each day, but just like everything I try I managed to keep to the “schedule” for like a week or two at the most before it collapsed and then I felt bad about not finishing it. So of course I got a more complicated colouring calender the next year because I never fucking learn.

Anyway... had a bit of sort of fun maybe colouring in a couple of pictures.

I’ve been feeling a little bit bleugh the past few days since however long ago Thursday was (I don’t know what day it is right now). I got the response from the PIP people about my Mandatory Reconsideration. I spent absolutely ages writing up the letter to explain just how the assessor had misrepresented what I said or just outright ignored my difficulties, pointed out the inaccuracies with the factual stuff (as opposed to anything that could be considered to be that word that means “different people might see it different ways”) and also explained how their failure to treat my difficulties as real was discrimination against my particular disabilities (they’re so called hidden/invisible ones like mental health issues) especially with how they used “high functioning” to claim that I can’t struggle with the things which they agreed I struggled with last time I got assessed and nothing has changed since then except that I have an extra diagnosis now.

Their response was rude, blamed the length of time it took on me even though most of the time was taken up by me waiting on them responding, giving me the face to face appointment date etc. And in response to me telling them how stressful the frequent reassessment periods are and how much anxiety they provoke & how they worsen my conditions, they said “Although the health Professional has recommended a 2 year review period, as you are no longer entitled to PIP then there is no review period required.” Previously I was awarded PIP at the appeals stage because they found my doctors note that they claimed didn’t arrive in the post until then, even though we sent it recorded delivery and we knew for a fact that it was signed for less than a week after it was sent out. Without the doctor’s note they had tried to say that I didn’t qualify, but with the doctor’s evidence I suddenly did. In this letter they are saying that as the findings of the current assessment are “so different” than that of what was decided at appeals before, they’re using the more recent assessment as they believe its a more “accurate” reflection of my condition and so “supersedes” the previous findings. Except the assessor this time made HUGE mistakes and that’s what I wrote in to explain. But they are treating the assessor’s report as medical evidence even though she was a nurse with no training other than the 10 day course they send them on (and I’ve seen the information for autism - the PDF they are given as recommended reading but not required, is outdated from the early 90s and still uses terms which are no longer in use diagnostically). They are placing more weight on her interpretation of what my difficulties are than the actual medical specialists who have dealt with me personally.

My boyfriend phoned up to complain and ask to start the appeals process (they didn’t include the information on how to appeal in with my letter and the whole letter was written as if I wouldn’t even try and should be glad I no longer qualify as if I’m suddenly not disabled because they say I’m fine). He asked how even with the information and corrections we sent in, they still came to the same conclusion, most of which was a direct copy and paste from the original assessment report. It turns out that because we had complaints about the assessor’s report, they went back to ATOS to get a new person there to look over my case. “So why did they find the same thing with the new/corrected info given to them?” my boyfriend asked. They had even repeated the bit on how I apparently “was not offered alternative treatments or therapy, suggesting you don’t need them” even though we pointed out that in the letter we had originally sent in to them, the people I saw at the multidisciplinary assessment after my autism diagnoses had written that there were two other meds I could try for my bipolar disorder and that they had put in a recommendation, sent to my GP, that I be referred to one on one talking therapy. He said that surely they must have seen us point that out in the letter I sent in asking for the mandatory reconsideration. And it turns out that none of that information was sent to ATOS. So the new person at ATOS only saw what the first person at ATOS wrote about me and came to the same conclusion. When we pointed out that it is the PIP team who are meant to balance things out, they just deflected all the blame to ATOS and said the matter was “out of their hands” as ATOS is a third party organisation so they don’t have any control over what they do. BUT THEY CHOSE TO EMPLOY THEM TO DO THE ASSESSMENTS!! So yeah, they do have control over what ATOS do and are entirely responsible for any outcome if they choose to base the entire thing on what one person who met the claimant for less than 2hrs has to say about what the claimant struggles with.

Its ridiculous! How the hell did they think it was ok to totally ignore what I sent in other than to belittle me when I expressed how stressed and anxious the whole process made me and how demeaning it felt. Their response was just to demean me some more. When asked what provisions there were at the appeals stage (which involves standing up in court in front of three judges who are total strangers) for people who are autistic and struggle in social situations, especially with speaking in public, and they said that they had no idea whatsoever, but as far as they knew there wasn’t anything special. And that we’d have to contact the courts directly. Not that we have any of those details because nothing was included in with the letter they sent. They couldn’t even get the page numbers correct at the bottom of the pages. The last page was numbered Page 7 of 4. Yes that’s right, there were seven pages out of four. How did they manage to break an autofiling section of a document like that? They take that little care with these assessments they can’t even get the documents to be constructed correctly.

When I got the letter I just totally dissociated from everything I would have been feeling. And so its been a rough few days as bits and pieces of emotion have been popping through and washing over me in waves of feeling really shitty. I’m trying hard not to think about the whole appeals process because I know it scares me shitless and I can’t do anything about it now anyway. But its just so hard to cope with people just dismissing my difficulties. Its ridiculous because the criteria have not changed. In fact they got in trouble with the courts for being biased against people with mental health issues as their disability (focussing only on whether a person could physically do a thing and ignoring their criteria of “requires prompting”) and so were made to make changes to discriminate less. Obviously the major fines and telling off did fuck all. Its just so frustrating because my difficulties haven’t changed (unless they’ve got worse) and previously I was deemed to be entitled, so why should that have changed just because I now have an extra diagnosis that even better explains the problems I have? Like previously they tried to claim that bipolar disorder didn’t cause the particular difficulties I have, so I missed out on points in one area. However now I also have the autism diagnosis, that category I was denied points in before is now the only category that scored any points. So its like they are totally ignoring that I have more than one thing going on, and that previously I was still autistic so if I was entitled then, I should be now!

When we pointed out how they were being discriminatory in my letter, they responded not by apologising for what I felt was discrimination, but by telling me that the “Gray Report” concluded that the “Health Professionals” (from ATOS who do the assessments) are trained to a sufficient degree to do the assessments without bias. So I’m there pointing out bias and being told “no, that can’t have happened, this report we had done says there’s no problem.” Except I have looked it up and Paul Gray, responsible for the reports actually wanted changes like making the assessment report results sent out immediately to claimants, but the government is refusing to do so. So how exactly are they meeting what his report asks of them? They aren’t! The Gray Report says that they need to do more to gain the trust of claimants because they are currently so inconsistent that is confusing at best and detrimental at worst. Like his entire report is basically “some of these changes are positive, but there is so much more that needs to be done such as x, y, and z” and the government has said “ah that means we are perfect and doing no wrong.” Like his report didn’t even look at the assessors in great detail. It just says that they should be trained to an adequate level, not that they are. And that they should be unbiased, again not that they are. So why quote that report at me?

Just.... urgghhh. I’m so sick and tired of having to fight past what I’m sensibly able to do just to get what feels like nowhere. Like they even wrote in response to me saying that my executive dysfunction is so bad that if the washing up needs to be done, and I can’t cope with all the steps required to do that, then I don’t have anything clean with which to prepare and cook food and therefore won’t eat. They wrote that those things are “outside the scope of the assessment criteria” and so won’t be considered as evidence. So because I can’t clean the house and can’t then cook the food, that’s ignored as a reason why I don’t eat the food. I must therefore be able to cope with preparing and eating food unaided all the time. How stupid is that? I also wrote how my sensory sensitivities affect my ability to wash and to brush my teeth, so I’ll go days without brushing my teeth when I can’t cope with those feels (or am too depressed) and they said “brushing teeth isn’t covered under bathing, so we won’t consider that”. Like they are both forms of personal hygiene. Arguably keeping your teeth clean is a MAJORLY IMPORTANT thing which can impact your health in so many ways (like you can die from an infected tooth, or from a gum infection). But it can’t be used to build up a bigger picture about how far reaching my disabilities are?

And they said that the section on being able to communicate only counts if you can physically speak and physically hear what is being said to you. So my sensory processing disorder which affects how my brain perceives auditory information and how it therefore responds to said auditory information? Doesn’t count. So the times when I can’t tell what is being said because there is a fan making noise in the background? Doesn’t count. The times when there are multiple people talking and I can’t pick out the one important conversation and everything blurs into one droning sound that is overwhelming and causes me to avoid social gatherings that involve many people? Doesn’t count. My inability to tell what tone of voice I’m speaking with and inability to correctly modulate my tone of voice appropriately so I fail to communicate effectively due to it? Doesn’t count. My sensory overload causing me to shut down and go nonverbal for long periods of time so I can’t verbally communicate? Doesn’t count. Apparently. Even though in the criteria available online on the government website for how they are meant to assess disabilities for the different categories, it really should count. But all they mean is “are you deaf and dumb”? (Sorry for the old derogatory terms, but that is literally all they seem to think counts and the way they seem to be approaching this).

And just I have all these feels and they are not nice feels. And I’m trying to remain strong and positive, and trying to remember that I’m trying to want to exist. But its so so hard. And just reminds me how much I hate my life and how I hate how noone (in the “noone” kind of way, obviously some people) seems to care how I feel and how I struggle. And it really doesn’t keep me away from feeling suicidal. :(

#actually autistic #discrimination #disability discrimination #hidden disabilities #actually bipolar #actually cPTSD #I don't like feeling bad

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electricbluebutterflies · 5 years

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Friend, if you were so inclined, I would LOVE to see you do #6 of garcy whump part III ;)

Modified just a little so it fits between 2x05 and 2x06. PG-ish and also on ao3.

6. Early in S2, Lucy is kidnapped briefly. The team gets her back, and she says she’s fine, but she’s working with Flynn when he hears her crying. Flynn goes to check on her, and what he finds reveals that she’s not so unaffected by her captivity as she said.

He feels like a caged animal.

No. Fuck that. Less than. Caged animals generally get to do more than this. Caged animals generally have some kind of purpose. Flynn does not. The only reason he is stuck in an underground hellhole with only one thoroughly locked door and occasionally considered useful enough to go on jumps, as opposed to whatever blacksite prison he was previously in, is because he has just a little bit of leverage and because Lucy Preston is probably the only person in all of time and space who does not hate him. Frankly, from his perspective, the feeling is probably mutual. A future version of her saved his life once, and the current version of her did it again, and he's not dumb enough to let that go.

They did so good in Salem, but then she got stabbed - in the arm, at least, not mortally wounded and a fucking oversight in the mess that ended up happening - and she's sidelined, and then…

He's not sure how to explain what happened while he was stuck in wherever-the-fuck, other than he's alive. Somehow. Bruised and tired, and would be pleasantly surprised if he's allowed time to lick his wounds, but likely to be okay in a few days.

First, now that it appears everyone else has retreated to their respective sleeping areas, making sure he's not wrongly estimating anything. He's been here about a week, long enough to know that the bathroom is safest at about two in the morning. He could do the process just as easily in his room - he has thoughts about that, a cot and a chair shoved into a supply closet because it's not like anyone wants anything to do with him - but it'd be easier with a mirror to catch what his eyes won't, and-

The door is unlocked, but there seems to be a weird noise coming from somewhere. Probably dysfunctional 1950s apocalypse-bunker plumbing issues. He wonders if there's a protocol for what would happen if the bunker got flooded, and if anyone would bother to tell him or if they'd just let him drown, and-

Oh. Oh god no.

The noise is human and, because the universe is determined to screw Flynn over at every possible opportunity, coming from the only person he might be able to handle emotions from right now. Lucy is curled up in a ball on the floor between the sinks, somewhere between crying and a panic attack, making tragic puppy noises and oh, this is not how he wanted to be reminded that he does in fact still have a heart.

He cares about her. He can admit that much. And he cannot abide anything bad happening to her, and he will tear apart whomever hurt her (especially if he's right about the likely cause), and-

She looks up, and it's even more heartbreaking now. Her eyes are red and puffy under harsh fluorescent light, and the rest of her expression is, for lack of a better word, hopeless. This is a new side of her, one he has no desire to encounter again. He's used to fire, a version of her that pushed through her fear to be strong against him. A broken shell of a woman, on the other hand…

"Who do I need to kill?" he asks after a long silence, because he will absolutely destroy whomever did this to her, he will make it painful, he will-

"My mother," Lucy murmurs, keeping her eyes on him.

Not quite what he expected, but after recent events, well… he can't blame her. He is learning that the woman he fights alongside is much more complex than the journal prepared him for, but there were a few comments in there about family dynamics, and… fuck, she almost got executed due to that particular dysfunctional nightmare, and that doesn't seem to be all that surprising to anyone involved. Which should definitely be more disturbing to him than it is, and he's not even gonna try to justify that one.

It occurs to him that he might be in over his head and about to do something fabulously stupid even by his standards. Being anywhere near Lucy at any point tends to result in that; being near her when she's in this condition in the middle of the night is a parade of red flags and he decides he's going to ignore all of them. He wants to protect her. That's the first positive thing he's felt in years. What's the harm in seeing where that leads?

"What happened? I'm assuming it was more than…"

"Did anyone bother to tell you what happened to me after… after everything?"

"Beyond a few horrifying implications, no."

Lucy forces herself to stand up, bracing against one of the sinks. "Kidnapped and attempted brainwashing, mostly by my mother. I was going to kill myself to get away. I fucked that up too."

And there is her fire, directed inwards and made terrifying. He wants to take it from her, would allow himself to become even more of a monster if it meant that she wasn't, wants-

"Are you alright right now?"

"I think I've hit the limit of how much I can cry."

"That's not an answer."

"Do you realized you're the only person who's asked? You're the only person in my life who has even considered that maybe I'm not okay, and I'm not sure how I feel about that but I know I'm not surprised. No one else pays attention. You…"

He is struck by the urge to cross the distance between them and hold her close until her body stops shaking. He won't do it, can't assume so much just yet, but he wants to. She would fit well against him, safe, and oh he will not make the mistakes of his past again, he will do better, he will-

"I am yours," he says, and perhaps it's overkill but that doesn't make it any less true. "And I will…"

"I'll get out of your way," she says just a little too quickly, in a way that frightens him for reasons he can't pin down.

"Or you could stay, if you wanted. An extra set of eyes might be helpful."

Lucy gives him a Look, and it occurs to him that on some level he genuinely likes this woman. "Do I wanna know?"

"Looking for cuts and bruises I can't feel. Presumably easier with another person."

He expects her to say no. He expects her to point out that this is a rather bizarre situation, and he is well aware that he ought to have better ways of distracting her, but it is the middle of the night and he feels like roadkill and-

"I'm not a good field medic," she murmurs. "Just… trust me. You do not want me if something's actually wrong."

"Understood. You don't have to…"

"I highly doubt I'll have a flashback like this. I want to."

"Thank you. For everything."

She's quiet for a few moments, wide-eyed, fingers gripping the sink too tightly. "I ruined your life."

"You remind me that I am alive, Lucy. I had lost sight of that. I hope… I hope I can do the same for you."

"Good luck," she mutters. "So, um…"

His eyes dart around the room, searching for another way forward and finding nothing. Hell with this, he thinks, pulling his sweater over his head. He's still got a t-shirt under that, but voluntarily undressing in front of another person in any way is… not something he's done in a while. There's a vulnerability to it, a self-consciousness he doesn't expect until it hits. He can feel her eyes on him, searching not just for recent damage but for anything she can find.

He should run. This is all a very terrible idea. And yet he feels rooted to the concrete beneath him, which he no longer trusts to hold his body upright.

She crosses the space between them. "Can I touch you?"

Flynn nods, not trusting his voice to behave.

Her fingers are cold as she reaches out and starts tracing scars. There are some interesting ones, some old enough that he can't remember their origin, and he decides that someday - if she were to want it, he steadies himself, if that were safe - he would like for her to see the rest. His body is a map of a past he is never sure how to fight, and-

"I'm pretty sure you're fine," she murmurs. "Just tense. Have you… have you slept at all, since you've been here?"

"Not well. Not completely convinced no one will try to murder me."

"They'd have to go through me first," she says, and the look on her face is almost happy, and it breaks his heart a little bit more, and-

"No. No they wouldn't. I wouldn't let… you are safe here with me."

Her hand slips down his arm and their fingers intertwine, and again he thinks about futures and how beautifully she tethers him.

"Thank you for not making me feel worse," she breathes.

"If there's anything else I can do…"

"Stay here with me a little while longer?"

He does.

#modern-lady-trickster #garcy #ebf writes fic #idk how this happened but here we are

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prettylittlelyres · 5 years

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Inside the Writing Process - Part 5

I’ve been so excited about the ideas this chart has given me for Violins and Violets, so I’m making this fifth “Inside the Writing Process” post about it. It’s immensely useful for...

Expanding a Story into a Series

OK, so I’m sure a lot of people with ADHD have seen this going around and related to it a lot, but I think a lot of writers could relate to it as well in terms of things that can distract us from the main points of our WIPs (and of course some writers have ADHD anyway).

I saw a copy of this chart on Facebook yesterday, and it got me thinking. Disclaimer: I don’t know if I have ADHD (I have executive dysfunction and a lot of trouble concentrating, but I don’t know why, and don’t have time or energy to get it looked into), but it did get me thinking.

It made me think about how to organise my expansions of the world around my WIP Violins and Violets (currently seeking beta readers), because I wanted to address a lot of things in the book that just weren’t practical to address (because there’s only so much you can put in a book without it become completely unreadable. This is why I’ve never finished Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey, even though I love it, especially all the beautiful world building... it’s just too much to hold in my head). It was always in my mind that I could solve this problem (too many ideas for one book) quite simply, by writing more books.

This is a really long post, I know, but if you want to learn a fun way to come up with ideas for prequels, sequels and companion books for your story, keep reading! It’s a little bit like the snowflake method, and of course you can then use that to expand each individual idea that you have. It’s also available in shorter form here.

I’d been letting ideas for storylines involving other characters rustle around in my head since I finished the first draft of Violins and Violets in August... and then I saw this yesterday, and realised it would be a pretty good place to start thinking about the ideas that I do have, and listing them in relation to the main storyline of Violins and Violets. I spent about an hour writing down everything, just letting it all spill from my head, and this is what came up.

(Side note: I really do adore Pukka Pads Irlen refill pads. Another thing I may or may not have is Irlen syndrome, which would explain why I can’t read off white backgrounds for very long, and why my eyes hurt if I try. All I know for sure is that these pads help me so, so much, and they come in very gorgeous colours! These pages are from the “rose” pad, but I use “lavender” ones as well, a very soft and relaxing pale purple.)

Expanding Violins and Violets

Pre-Story Prologue for “Context”

Write down all ideas about character backstories to help you develop a prequel (or set of prequels) by exploring those.

Magdalena’s upbringing and Conservatory training with Dorota and Maja (these characters also never appear in Violins and Violets (with the exception of Magdalena) but I really want to explore their lives, going into more detail about Dorota and Maja’s relationship, how they raised Magdalena as their daughter, how they met, and Dorota’s fight to get Magdalena an education).

Käthe and Hansi touring Europe with their music. I’d be missing out on the opportunity to portray a fun sibling dynamic like the Mozart siblings had if I didn’t write this story. However, I do feel it might be better suited to a series of short stories, a collection of small standalone pieces, than a full-length novel, but it’s early days, and I have a lot else to do for this project in the meantime.

Franz and Julia’s early marriage/courtship, particularly how it really only happened once they were married; it would go a long way to explaining why Katharina’s parents are so relaxed about her having an arranged marriage; they genuinely believe it’ll work for her, like it worked for them (and they’re not entirely wrong, but that’s quite literally another story).

Start of Story

Consider all the characters involved in the main story, and ask yourself what’s going on in their lives that the protagonist doesn’t see. If a character only appears partway through the story, ask them what they were doing before.

Katharina goes to Prague (which is of course the main story of Violins and Violets).

Hans tours Europe with a comically large and ever-increasing pet entourage (this post goes into that in proper detail!).

Renée finds her way to Malá Strana and makes friends with Magdalena. Not for a second does she realise that a) Magdalena is with Katharina or b) that she, Renée, is in love with both of them. And then she meets the man who becomes her husband, also a big bi disaster, and Realises™.

Johann and Wilhelm meet at university; they’re both Law students. This would be a fun opportunity to take a step into the Dark Academia genre, but I’m not exactly sure what I’d do with them. Perhaps a poetic treasure hunt sort of mystery love confession? (I know already that this will be tricky because I manage to write about two proper poems a year and I’ve already written one in 2019, for Violins and Violets. I may have to put this off for a while.)

Semi-related side-story

Now think about the characters who come and go in the story and think about why that happens. Develop the stories of what they do after they leave.

Herr Benes and his boyfriend have a marvellous time in Budapest, enjoying their retirement away from the scrutiny Benes faces in the Malá Strana Opera House in Prague.

Herr Havelka is a devious and sacriligeous boi, also a sneaky bastard, but why is that? What other yuck things does he do after he leaves the Malá Strana? What is the origin of his malice?

Herr Janda retires and leaves Katharina (or Sebastian) in charge of the Malá Strana Opera House, but how does he spend his retirement? What does he think of Katharina’s continued work after she’s discovered? He’s a composer, himself, so I want to explore the compositions he works on, later in life. Maybe he’s quite inspired by Katharina both in terms of technique and ideas for music to compose in her honour.

Magdalena’s husband, Bartolomeǰ, runs a bookshop, and this is how they meet. He’s a big fan of Katharina’s music, and gets to know a lot of his regular customers. What are their stories? Who are his friends? What do they think of Magdalena? What do they think of Katharina?

Wait, OK, back to the main story

If you’re a fan of time-jumps, then a) Violins and Violets might be right up your street because it has a massive one, and b) this is probably a good and useful step for you. If not, maybe not. But ask what happens in the time-jump and then write about it. What stories can you tell about the space in between one part of your story and the other?

I want to explore Katharina's life in Salzburg, her friendship with Johann, Wilhlem, Lulu and her family, and her reconciliation with her parents after so many years apart. They're not angry at her, nor she at them, but things aren’t perfect between them, especially while they’re grieving Hans, and I want to look at that.

Something I just now remembered

Do you ever get deep down a rabbit hole, thinking about your story, and realise part of it you’d never thought about particularly deeply is actually very sad or very happy or makes you angry? Go into detail about it.

Magdalena and Bartolomeǰ never have any children born to them, but they're everyone’s Cool Aunt and Cool Uncle, and are basically extra parents to Evžen after Bartolomeǰ took him on as an apprentice.

Magdalena and Renée never lose touch after Renée leaves to marry, and Magdalena also stays in touch with Herr Benes, and they each eventually figure out the other is bi (Magdalena) and gay (Herr Benes), and have many fun letter exchanges not dissimilar to meetings in a Lesbian Crying Cupboard. I love their friendships and I want to dive into them more than I could from Katharina’s perspective alone. Imagine something like Lemony Snicket’s The Beatrice Letters, and you have some idea of the absolutely delicious format I’d want for this--because it wouldn’t be a traditional prose novel; it would be mostly epistolary, and for that, I need something a little different--all the letters bound together in a collection along with diary entries from the characters, ticket stubs from operas, playbills, pictures of gifts they send each other over the years, absolutely everything. A treasure trove and a mammoth project, but I am so entranced by this idea! The Baroque/Rococo aesthetic of the late 18th century is right up my street.

Wrap up story and finally get to the point/end of story

I’m, uh... not excellent at fully understanding the sentiment of instructions, but I feel less bad about (deliberately) misinterpreting this one, because I do so to have it mean “create an epilogue/a sequel”. Write down any ideas you have to that end.

Lulu’s children all grow up to follow careers in music. Hanna becomes an opera singer following help from Katharina and Magdalena to get her into a Conservatory in Berlin. Minna becomes a highly renowned composer (arguably a successor to Katharina), and Theo... well, I’m not exactly sure what he does, but that’s the point. I don’t have to know just yet. All I need to know is that I want to find out.

After grieving Johann, Wilhelm finds happiness and new love. Perhaps he brings his new partner to Prague, or perhaps he meets him there. That’s something I want to explore, as is...

...Herr Benes’ return to Prague with his boyfriend, meeting Wilhelm and his boyfriend (boyfriends for everyone. In this house we write gay joy or we write nothing (or we write angst)). Maybe there follow some nice rag-tag-band-of-elders adventures (quite literally a band, too, since they’ll all be musicians) and/or shenanigans. Do they all--with Katharina and Magdalena, of course--go on a fun trip to Salzburg and Eggwald together? That would be rather lovely. Some kind of Best Exotic Marigold Hotel story. Happiness.

Too many details/lose train of thought

Now’s your chance to get away from the main story! Ah, the guilty pleasure of AUs. Ah, the even more fun version of AU-related guilty pleasure where you get to write AUs of your very own novel! Go on. You deserve it, because you wrote a whole novel and you’ve read it at least as many times as you’ve drafted it... but you still want more content. You want to see how these characters that you love will cope in different worlds, different situations, different everything. Go for it. And if you have any details about the far-flung prelude or coda to the story (music terminology drop? Who’s that? I don’t know her), get into those, too. You know the ones I mean. The ones where you discuss the impact of the storyline on people centuries later, or get into the creation story of the world your characters live in.

I was fool enough to start thinking about a Vampire!AU of Violins and Violets before I had finished the first draft of the actual book. But that’s going on this list, because I have already written a slightly-related one-shot, Daughter, and I certainly don’t plan for that to be the only thing I ever make for it.

Violins and Violets and Varsity - a high school AU I’ve been thinking about since December 2018 - drawing on my experiences playing Swing Band and Pit Band in secondary school. It would be set in the UK, though, and characters would have more Anglophone-sounding names. I have some ideas for this written down somewhere in my computer, but, for now, I’m just going to leave you with the names, because I’m not certain I’m super happy about the current premise for the plot.

Katharina - Kate

Magdalena - Maddie

Hans - Henry

Bartolomeǰ - Bart

Renée - Rena

Going back to the dark academia mentioned earlier, I think it could be interesting to explore--not a modern AU, but in the modern day--how people now would look back on the lives of the characters from Violins and Violets had they really existed. I grew up not far from Reading, where an original handwritten manuscript of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was found in a charity shop in 2011, and I want to take that idea and run so, so far with it. I adore dark academia, as my followers will know, and it seems like a perfect chance to combine my knowledge of Music History and Music Theory with my current studies of Sociolinguistics. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Music History students team up with Sociolinguistics students to study the letters exchanged between the characters and coming to realise that everyone involved was a big and lovely Queer Disaster in some way or other, and that Katharina and Magdalena, as Johann and Wilhelm, were in love. And then all the students fall in love, too, because dark academia plus romance is my downfall (hence my current WIP, She Has No Name).

Steps I missed out of this process, I missed out because I couldn’t think of ways to relate them to my storyline. Those are:

What was I talking about?

Realise I’ve been talking too long.

Apologise.

If you can think of ideas to go along with those steps (although I’m hesitant to encourage anyone to apologise for what they write), too, go for it, and please let me know! I love hearing about everything you write! Now I dare you to have a go at this process for planning expansions of your story.

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aftermathdb · 5 years

Text

DEATH BATTLE Review: Weiss vs. Misturu

Y’know, I had a gag planned when that required Weiss to be introduced after two other RWBY Characters that I don’t think I can do anymore since Weiss got introduced before them. Maybe I can do a deleted scenes thing later…

Two Ice Queens battle for the true reign over the ice castle!

Weiss′s Preview.

The world of Remnant is full of many things that make it famous. From the vicious creatures of Grimm, to the Huntsman and Huntresses that are sworn to fight them, and many many more. But in this world, you’d be hard pressed to find a person who has never heard of the Schnee family.

And like any famous family, these guys are like royalty. And their princess, is Weiss Schnee.

Like many children born to great families, Weiss’ home life wasn’t that fun. Her father had high expectations for her, and she was set to just run the place… Whenever that happens. But, in defiance to her father’s wishes, she got out and joined Beacon Academy, an illustrious school where everyone can learn how to fight monsters. And once she joined a team, she put the ‘W’ in team RWBY.

But Weiss can’t just get by with money. So like most Hunters (Which is what I’m going to be calling them so that I can save some space), Weiss got herself a weapon, which Boomstick nicknamed Merc-Nasty.

This rapier is nearly three feet in length, and, much like nearly every other weapon in the show, it doubles as a gun (insert “it’s also a gun” joke here)!

Myrtenaster comes equipped with a six-slot Dust chamber. And unlike the dust in our world, the Dust in this world is special. Similar to the materia from Final Fantasy or Crystals from Storm Hawks, these all come with their own stats and effects.

Weiss is a fan of combining water and wind to create Ice Dust

But, if you’re going to fight giant shadow monsters, criminals, and godzilla dragons, you’re going to need way more than just a stick to fight them with.

Think of Semblances as “X-Men” powers. They’re all unique in their own ways. However, Weiss’ Semblance is a bit different. In the sense that instead of it being unique, it’s actually inherited through her family line. Kinda like the mark of the Joestar (Before you ask, no. No Jojo character is up next. I’m upset about it too).

Weiss’ Semblance lets her do all sorts of crazy stuff. From manipulating gravity, to time dilation, to manipulating dust.

But most impressive of all, is the summons, which lets Weiss act like Yuna from FF X and bring out monsters she’s beaten to fight alongside her. And the most powerful one of all, would be knight, the Arma Gigas… Which means “Giant Armor” in Latin.

But yeah. Weiss’ family is pretty dysfunctional, and kinda abusive at times. Her Colonel Sanders-looking dad up there cut her out of the family line, leaving her piece of shit brother as the sole heir to the company.

But if there are any physical weaknesses Weiss has, it would probably be her durability.

Aura is finite, and takes time to recharge. Sure, you’re basically invincible when you do have it, but when it’s out, you’re out. And compared to Best Girl Yang (Fight me), Weiss’ durability isn’t that great. And since using her Semblance also burns aura, she’s more likely to run out sooner rather than later.

But Weiss is pretty tough. She once managed to survive a train crash. Judging by the size of the fragmentation, and applying the appropriate mathematics, the amount of force Weiss withstood comes out to be about…

Not good enough?- Then how about the time she knocked over a giant mech that was designed to fight giant leviathan grimm?

Judging by the size of her partner beside her, Weiss’ output of force should come around to about…

And it’s unlikely that Weiss is doing this using only dust. So, by using the water, we can get an estimate as to how much energy is being used for this attack.

For those of you wondering, this translates to over 230 tons of TNT!

Forget Dust. Weiss could make a killing on giving people renewable power alone.

Weiss might not be the strongest of her team, but with her newfound family, she’s certainly proven that she is far more than just a name. And she’s out to prove that this life is hers.

Misturu′s Preview.

In the early 2000s, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone in Japan who hasn’t heard of the Kirjio group, a global conglomerate that was involved in nearly every aspect of daily life. .

And just like any other major company like this, they had a family. And this princess, was known as Mitsuru Kirijo

One day, Mitsuru’s Grandfather was experimenting with some sort of mental world called “The Mind Place.” Officially known as “The collective unconscious.” Because companies doing shady business deals is apparently something we should expect. When is news going to break out that Disney does have their founder’s head in a jar?

Anyways, the Mind Place connects every living being’s subconscious mind. Things known as “Shadows” lived there.

These things are basically demons. But if you want to see an inner demon, you find a person’s “Shadow Self.”

Surprise surprise, Grandpa Kirijo decided to try and get to the shadows for himself. But, as per usual, summoning demons never works out… Unless you play an Archfiend Deck in Yu-Gi-Oh, in which case, go nuts.

So, everything kinda went to shit because of it, and not only were the shadows released into the world to attack an unsuspecting populace, this tower thing here:

the Tartarus, arose. It’s basically the citadel between worlds. The earth was changed with a new “Dark Hour.” A period of time where everything freezes at Midnight.

Most people don’t really notice though. Time resumes as normal when it’s over, and almost nobody really notices.

Almost.

Some people can keep moving around in this time. Mitsuru is one of them. since she felt bad about her family’s company screwing everyone over, so she decided to fix it.

And while her rapier skills are certainly good, on account that she’s in the fencing club at her school, a small sword like that isn’t exactly enough to take down a bunch of evil shadows… Wait, hang on. Do both of these franchises have Heartless ripoffs?- Moving on, Mitsuru also has various abilities that she can use.

And on top of all of it, she even got a Stand Persona, named Penthesilea, which later grew into Artemisia.

With Artemisia by her side, Mitsuru has a lot of powerful ice spells that she can call upon in battle. So it’s basically a Stand except they don’t have that rule of “Only a Stand can defeat another Stand” thing going for them… Huh, note to self: Have Jotaro and Mitsuru get into an argument about terminology. Also unlike Stands, Personas can be defeated, but they’ll come back after a short time.

Similar to Stands, Personas also kinda reflect damage back to the user. But since it’s more linked to the personality rather than the soul or fighting spirit, it’s more mental stress if anything else.

Artemesia gives Mitsuru all sorts of awesome stuff. Like ice powers that could give Elsa a run for her money. It also grants Mitsuru enhanced strength, speed, and durability. In addition, it also makes her completely immune to the cold and ice-based attacks. I’d ask “Why the fur coat?” But, as we all know, Everyone needs a fur coat (And it’s a pretty nice coat). She can also sense her surroundings via analytical clairvoyance, which makes sneaking up on her pretty hard.

But, like all great heroes, nobody really does it on their own. Mitsuru created the S.E.E.S, or the “Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad.” A group of Persona users that were basically the Teen Titans, if they had Stands instead of superpowers. And, as an added bonus, it’s an after school club, so bonus extra credit!

And you might be thinking “How would one summon a Persona?” Well, since this franchise wasn’t done ripping off Jojo (I looked it up, Stands and the Stand Arrows were introduced about three years prior to Persona 1), they decided to uh… Use the Evoker… Which… Fair warning…

(I think I’ll take the Stand Arrow instead).

The idea behind the Evoker is that it evokes a strong traumatic experience to awaken a person’s Persona, similar to how Mitsuru’s first experience in summoning hers was also traumatic.

To add to the unsettling nature of this, you don’t just have it shot at you. You aim it at your face, and pull the trigger. DEFINITELY taking the Stand Arrow over that.

Anyways, with all that power, Mitsuru’s pulled off some ridiculous stuff.

Here’s an added bonus: One Persona user that could outrun a bullet fired from a Magnum. So it’s reasonable to say that Mitsuru could do this too.

If that last feat wasn’t impressive enough for you, Personas can move even faster. One of them reacted to and caught an arrow within milliseconds. And since Mitsuru defeated this user and Persona in a fight.

But if you’re looking for a durability feat, then look no further, because Mitsuru once survived an explosion.

This one to be exact.

This is easily the longest series of images I’ve had to upload in a row. And isn’t Boomstick a Poultry Scientist?- Why’d he say “I’m a scientist now.”?

Ahem, moving on. Artemisia also once helped out in icing these creepy puppet things:

Now, using the surrounding air and accounting for Nitrogen (As it makes up a good chunk of the air we breathe), we can get some calculations for this feat.

The energy output, after the calculations are done, comes to around…

Okay, forget Weiss supplying people with Power, Mitsuru’s where it’s at. Maybe she could slow down out polar ice caps from melting.

And after ending the Dark Hour and redeeming her family name, Mitsuru continued battling for people everywhere. One shadow at a time.

Not too shabby.

The Battle Itself.

Torrian and Kristina are here for animation, Weiss will be voiced by Kara Eberle and Mitsuru will be voiced by Corey Pettit, music (Winter Sonata) by Therewolf, and audio by Chris Kokkinos.

So, we just jump right into the middle of the fight. No explanations, no story build-up, no nothing. It’s just like RWBY Volume 4! Ha ha! … Sorry, I, I just, I had to get that in there… God, that was a garbage volume.

So, with swordplay looking to be about even, both sides are basically going to be relying on their other skills for this bout. Y’know, a fencing tournament getting out of hand would have been an interesting story for this fight.

So, a bit of talking later, and the fight just picks up. And it occurs to me that they should have used this as the example fight for why the “FIGHT!” soundbite shouldn’t return. Like, c’mon guys.

Back on the fight, Weiss uses her ice powers to try to give Mitsuru the cold shoulder, but as we’re already aware, that’s not very effective.

And out comes Artemisia, which Weiss manages to parry some of the attacks, and opts to get the hell out of dodge after a quick burst of fire.

The Wasp up there is then sent to fight Mitsuru’s Persona while Weiss opts to fight Mitsuru directly.

But, let’s face it. The Rapier Wasp is a Bug Flying type. So Artemisia takes it down.

And with Weiss distracted, Mitsuru then gives her a kick to the face. That’s the face of someone who was wondering why she was just standing around when there was someone trying to kill you right in front of you.

But Weiss isn’t a fan of being kicked in the face, so she uses her gravity glyphs to make some distance.

And with that distance comes…

The Arma Gigas! Let’s be real, we wanted this fight so that we could see this knight fight Artemisia. After a couple of combos where neither side seems to make any headway, Artemisia then fires some frigid projectiles towards Weiss.

Her Knight, being a gentleman, takes the blow for her.

Weiss charges (with added assistance from her time dilation glyphs) and manages to actually stab Mitsuru.

Unfortunately for her, Mitsuru doesn’t go down that easily. And she uses Artemisia to knock them both down.

Finishing blow in 5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Imperious Queen of Executions indeed.

Verdict + Explanation.

So, to Weiss’ credit, her versatility put up a decent fight. But she was pretty outclassed in other categories aside from speed thanks to time dilation.

But with Mitsuru’s analytical clairvoyance, that speed gap gets a lot smaller. To the point that Mitsuru’s the one that can outpace Weiss. Not that it matters, Artemisia outpaces Weiss a few times over.

Now sure, the time powers seem like an insta-win, right? Well, maybe that would give Weiss a win in some scenarios, but not all of them.

Since Weiss is extra reliant on Ice Dust, and her other Dusts are fairly lacking, Mitsuru didn’t really have to deal with fire at all. Especially since Weiss doesn’t have the best track record with fire (As we’ve seen from that fire geyser from before).

It also doesn’t help that the explosion from earlier is pretty up there in terms of destructive power. Power that isn’t really that low for anything Weiss had to really beat it out.

Using calculation provided by Boomstick (Yes, you read that right), the calculations can be made through the height of the bridge.

This puts the explosive yield to about.

And this is even accounting for the fact that the person setting it off wasn’t even planning on killing Mitsuru too.

Also, remember those big ice structures that each of them made?- Well, comparing them directly, Weiss’ energy output doesn’t come close. Even if one were to cut Mitsuru’s stat in half, on account that she had help for this feat, Weiss falls short. About a hundred times short to be exact.

At the end of the day, Mitsuru had the power, skill, and durability to take Weiss down. Sure Snow White there had versatility, but at the end of it all,

Overall impression.

I heard from a friend of mine (And I read it on the Persona Wiki) that Personas can’t really be seen by non-persona users. Whilst this doesn’t really make much of a difference since it was more exciting to see the Arma Gigas directly fighting Artemisia instead of having it flailing around while the Persona just chipped away at it, it would have been nice to have seen this acknowledged.

Also, I kinda had like… Ten jokes that I could have used for my own end quip, but I’ll just post that to my Deviantart account as a list.

Overall, the results are solid, the animation is good, and it feels well-made. Sure, Weiss’ death could have been a bit more brutal (I would have liked to have seen her shattering with the ice), but as far as underwhelming deaths go, this one wasn’t that bad.

6.9/10. It would have been higher, but we didn’t get a “Bites the Dust” reference for Boomstick’s end joke (The song, not the Stand).

Next Time…

MORTAL KOMBAT! DO do do do dodo doot do do doot do doot do do do!

By the Gods I have been wanting to use Johnny Cage for the story. And having another Nintendo rep is always a plus. This… Is gonna be fun!

Is there a fight that you want me to review? - Send an ask/request, and I’ll look into it!

Do you want to read my fanfic based around DEATH BATTLE itself? click here!

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next time for…

Falcon Punch vs. Nut Punch

#Death Battle #Deathbattle #review

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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Fragile Tension

Title: Fragile Tension Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: PG-13 / Teen and Up for implied, barely-there violence Summary: Phil’s family deals in espionage, which was working out just fine until he decided to shack up with a civilian. Word Count: 4142 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Spies”. The title is a reference to the song by Depeche Mode. Read on AO3

Phil was terrified. He and Dan had been enjoying an early night in when the lights went out. Phil’s internal alarms immediately went haywire. It could just be a power out… except that when he leaned back to look through the doorway and into the hall, and past that to the sitting room, he could glimpse through the far left sitting room window that the neighbours seemed to have no such issues. It could be a problem with the wiring, or even in the supply company… except that Phil had people whose jobs were to prevent such inconveniences in his day-to-day life, and he’d had professionals scope out this house before he and Dan moved in. The house had state of the art security, some of which wasn’t available to the public yet, so it was highly unlikely that someone had tampered with it by mistake, and the people who would have the skills to tamper with it on purpose… Phil was understandably concerned.

He’d immediately tried sending a distress signal to both Martyn and Corn as soon as he scoped their surroundings to find them as empty as they’d been before the lights went out. He didn’t want to think about how he might need backup, but he was no fool. He wasn’t jeopardising Dan’s life for anything, least of all his professional pride. He had no signal. He knew what he’d find but he tried Dan’s phone anyway. No signal. There was no way this was an accident. Fuck.

Dan had wanted to go to the garage by himself to check on the fuse box and that’s when Phil started to panic. In a cold and calculated way that only really came out when he was working, but still. Panic. Of course, he didn’t normally have his civilian husband-to-be with him on the job. Phil was wishing he hadn’t insisted on having this date night tonight, if only he’d been alone at home when whatever this was happened, with Dan safely out of the way of harm…

Phil insisted they should stay together, so they should both go. Dan looked dubious, but Phil could see he was afraid too. Phil let some of his panic show and Dan caved immediately. He probably didn’t want to be alone either, though for different reasons than Phil. They moved slowly and silently through the house, Phil discreetly taking a couple of things on the way that he could use as weapons. He had switched to on-the-job mode automatically, so he didn’t realise, wouldn't realise until later, that most civilians wouldn’t be able to match him on stealth at a moment’s notice while sneaking through an almost completely dark house (even if it was your own house).

Who would send people to get him in his home?, thought Phil furiously as he moved through the main hall and into the next room. ‘A lot of people’ was sadly the answer, if only they knew where to send them. Fuck, if something happened to Dan because of him… this is exactly why he’d resigned himself to staying single way back when he’d got heavily involved in the lifestyle. That resolution had lasted an embarrassingly short time as soon as Dan came into the picture, though at least Phil could say he’d lasted a full twelve years with nothing but one-night-stands and short dalliances before that happened. As soon as he met Dan, however, it had gone flying out the window. For all his resolve, Phil had been smitten from day one.

Martyn had run so many background checks, even once it became painfully clear that Dan was squeaky clean, that Phil had stopped trying to dissuade him after a while. Better to let him get it out of his system, it’s not like the results would change if Martyn kept it going. Eventually he’d calmed down and started to get to know Dan beyond Phil’s reassurances that no, Martyn, he’s not a honey trap, he’s not a plant, he’s not a mole, he’s just a bloke I fell in love with, okay? Can you give him a chance, at least? Your checks keep coming up empty, and we both know how good you are at what you do. I also know you got the best of the best confirming your results. It’s not his fault our family is so dysfunctional, okay, and I really like him.

It hadn’t taken Martyn too long to warm up to him once he admitted Dan was a civilian and agreed to give him a chance, thankfully. Phil didn’t like to think about his relationship with his brother during those early days before he did. Those were dark days.

It had taken weeks of Martyn coming up with nothing, the first and only screaming match he’d had with Martyn, and Cornelia’s interference to wear him down.

***

“I’m just worried about you,” the desperation in Martyn’s voice was almost enough to make Phil hesitate. Almost.

“I know you mean well, but you’re being irrational.”

“You’re my baby brother!”

“I’m 31 years old, Mar. I can take care of myself. I have a triple digit kill count, for fuck’s sake.”

“And an almost non-existent relationship history,” Martyn cut in, relentless.

Phil winced, but he was done indulging Martyn’s overprotective act.

“Don’t you dare. I have more successful missions that most operatives twice my age. Just because I don’t date often doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”

“I’m- I’ve just never seen you take a risk like this. No one is this clean, Phil, it reeks of a cover-up. And I’ve never seen you this… taken with someone before. I just want to make sure, okay? Can’t you stay away from him until then?”

Phil sighed. He was tired of fighting with his brother. They’ve always been close, it was awful being at odds with him like this. He could understand Martyn’s initial mistrust, but at this point he was being unreasonable. If Martyn of all people hadn’t found anything incriminating yet then it was almost impossible that there was anything to be found.

“Mar, you’ve been investigating him for weeks now. There’s nothing there. And I do know how to take care of myself, you know, I can defend myself if it comes to that. Not that I believe it will-“

“In a physical fight against an opponent, yeah. But what if he makes you fall for him and you can’t bring yourself to hurt him-“

“You’ve been with Corn for over seven years now,” Phil’s voice was uncharacteristically cutting, but he was tired of this.

“We knew she was safe!” Martyn immediately counters. Cornelia doesn’t say anything.

“Mum and Dad are good, but they’re not infallible. She could have been a plant.”

“She’s not-!”

Phil rolled his eyes, trust Mar to completely miss the point as soon as Phil brought up Corn. “Obviously she wasn’t! What I’m saying is: you took a chance! Why should I not get the same leeway? Why can’t I take a chance? It’s a good chance. Odds are pretty good what with your extensive research on him. You know I’m right!”

Martyn hadn’t budged then, but Phil knew from his pained expression that he had got through to him.

It’d take another week and a half of Martyn calling in every favour he could think of and several other professionals looking into it before he caved and agreed to give Dan a chance.

***

Now, Phil focused on the very real, very present threat to his fiancé’s life and wished he could have his big brother’s overprotective vigilance looking over both of them.

By the time they crossed the three rooms between them and the room that led to the garage door, Phil was so on edge he’d swear the fear was a physical presence on the back of his head. Fuck, he’d have to kill in front of Dan. Soft, sweet, wonderful Dan who insisted that Phil catch bugs to release them outside instead of killing them, even the ones he was terrified of. Dan, who had slid into his life, and his heart, and his home, with his bright dimpled smile and his gentle heart, bypassing Phil’s qualms and concerns and better judgement like it was nothing.

What would Dan even think…?

Creak. Click. Thud.

He didn’t get to find out what Dan would think because Dan had shoved him safely out of the way around the corner and thrown himself at the thicker shadows at the end of the hall and what the hell, Phil rolled and moved towards the scuffle, heart stuck in his throat, just in time to find several dark shapes on the floor, unmoving, and four more shapes fighting viciously in his parlour. Three of them had guns. Dan didn’t. In the half a second it took him to assess the situation, Dan had hit one of his assailants in the throat, jumped to execute a flawless thigh choke on another and stabbed the third one on his way down, landing on his feet as the three masked men fell to the floor.

Phil just stood there, in shock.

Dan wasn’t even out of breath.

“Phil?” Dan whispered, looking at him, behind him, scoping the vicinity for more threats. He had a butterfly knife on his hand, how had Phil missed that? When did he get it?

Dan turned to get a 360° look around, giving Phil a blurry look of his broad, lovely back, that back that Phil kissed whenever they cuddled with Dan as the little spoon, sprawled soft and warm and boneless in Phil’s arms; where Phil loved to bury his face first thing in the morning, before he has his first coffee, or any time he walked into the kitchen to find Dan cooking for him, for them, and he couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around his chest and burying his face at the back of his neck, breathing in Dan’s scent and squeezing him against himself. And suddenly, all Phil could think of was Martyn’s warnings, Martyn’s questions, Martyn’s worries, what do you even know about him? Did you tell him anything about our work? Don’t you think it’s suspicious he shows up when we’re pulling probably the biggest mission we’ve even been involved in and just conveniently asks you out?

Dan turns on the light, the little click of the light switch superimposed with the click of Phil taking off the safety on his gun.

***

He can see Dan freeze for a moment, then turn around to look at him.

Phil’s face is completely blank. He’s worked very hard to perfect that blank look.

A near imperceptible sound to his right calls his attention, but he doesn’t take his eyes off Dan’s wide, startled ones as he moves his hand and shoots the remaining assailants before they can creep in on them. He’s pointing the gun back at Dan in two seconds flat, long enough for him to make a move, Phil knows now, but Dan doesn’t. Dan is still completely frozen, staring Phil down.

Phil doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he could even shoot him, even if it turns out Martyn was right about him all along, but Dan takes the decision off his hands when he deflates and moves back against the wall, one step away from Phil, and slowly extends his arm to drop the knife he’s been holding on top of the decorative vanity desk there. They’d had an ‘argument’ about it. Dan had seen it and immediately wanted it and Phil had said it was too expensive and completely useless, it wasn’t even big enough to store things in. He’d caved, of course. He’d wanted to buy Dan all the useless, expensive things he craved, had wanted to spoil him.

“Okay,” his voice is a whisper still, but Phil can hear it tremble despite the volume. “Do it.”

Phil doesn’t talk, doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He just stares blankly at the man he’d sworn to love and protect and cherish as he points his gun straight to his head.

“Get it over with. I don’t want to know. If it wasn’t real… I don’t want to know.”

Dan’s expression felt like a physical kick in the gut. Phil knew those eyes, knew what Dan looked like when he was trying, desperately, to hold back tears. He’d seen him look sick, look scared, look exhausted, but he’d never seen him look shattered before.

Phil never really stood a chance.

***

After Phil puts the gun down, his senses going full-on hyperactive work-mode and assuring him there’s no other threats lurking around, just Dan. Just Dan. Something in Phil breaks, something like his composure, maybe, or possibly his heart, and he has to exercise all of his hard-earned discipline not to burst out crying where he stands.

He’s clutching Dan in his arms in the next second, holding him tighter than is probably comfortable, but he knows Dan doesn’t mind by the way he melts into him, and damn it, if he really is a plant then Martyn was right because Phil already knows he’s going to let Dan kill him if he tries.

“I can’t. But I need… I need to know. It wasn’t- it was real, for me. It was real.”

“Me too. It’s real for me too, Phil, I love you-“

“Tell me. Everything.”

“Okay,” Dan is clearly trying to pull himself together, and Phil is distantly impressed because all he wants to do right now is sink into Dan’s chest and not move for the next few hours. “But we need to go. Now.” Phil made a noise of protest, he didn’t want to let go of Dan, but then Dan let out a shaky breath and said, “There might be more coming, or outside, they could call reinforcements-”

“You're right.” Phil acquiesced. He still took a few long seconds to disentangle himself. At least Dan seemed just as reluctant to let him go.

“Phil-” Dan interrupted himself and made a face as a thought occurred to him. “Oh god, is that even your name?”

“No, my real name is Kyle,” Phil intones with a terrible American accent. He might be having some kind of mental breakdown.

Dan stared back at him with a blank expression that told him he was aggressively suppressing some kind of reaction, and the visual was so familiar it eased something in him and that coupled with the relief of the adrenaline of the last few minutes, made him burst out laughing. He sounded hysterical. He probably looked insane.

“Yes, my name is Phil what the hell, Dan?”

“Oh.”

“Is your name not-?”

“No, of course it is.”

They stared at each other some more, until Dan grabbed his hand and moved them to the garage.

Phil tried not to startle too badly when Dan picked up some hitherto hidden weapons on the way, and instead busied himself with doing the same.

***

After a few minutes of riding in silence, Dan was the first to break.

Phil knew he would, he could see his agitation growing. Phil was still too busy processing his new reality.

“You almost fell flat on your face when we first met!” Dan demanded out of nowhere, bewildered. He was driving them away from the house, but his focus was understandably mostly on Phil and the revelations of the last few minutes.

“I was nervous! You’re very attractive!” Phil defended himself, and the domesticity of it felt like a balm to his metaphorical open wounds. They sounded exactly like this when they disagreed about what painting would look best in the master bedroom, back when they had just moved in together.

Dan shot him an utterly disbelieving look, mouth open and eyes squinting, and Phil felt he had been entirely justified, because if his boyfriend could look this attractive when he was pulling that face and immediately after rocking the foundations of Phil’s world, then no warm-blooded male-attracted person could be expected to function normally when faced with peak Summer Dan in his white skin tight tank top and his taut black tracksuit trousers which exposed his delicate ankles and hugged his thighs just so, and his silver hoop earring and his luxurious mane of wild chocolate brown curls and he was only human, okay? And gay. Very human and very gay. Phil maintained that he’d done well, considering.

***

Almost exactly one year later, on a joint mission (and they only pull joint missions by then, they will not agree to be away from each other unless absolutely necessary), Dan is seething with jealousy watching his husband seduce some poor schmuck.

He is also very turned on. It only makes him angrier.

“You never did that with me,” Dan comments later, once they're out, mission completed and objectives met, when Phil is sprawled out comfortably next to him in the enormous plush red sofa at the hotel room where they’ll be spending the night, before going home. He's been looking at something in his phone for a couple minutes now.

“What?” his husband asks, distracted.

“You never pulled those honey trap skills of yours on me.”

Not even in the early days. Granted, the initial impression Phil had left on him when he slipped into Dan’s life - literally - rather clashed with the suave worldly seductress he'd just watched Phil put on and then off like a second skin. But Dan had seen enough to know… Phil was good, exceptional even, and he could have made it work with a few adjustments.

But now, Phil is sputtering at him, visibly offended for some reason that escapes Dan. He’s so expressive; Dan’s always loved that about him.

“Of course not!”

A little frown finds its way to Dan's brow without his permission. “Why not?”

Phil just makes a high, distressed noise and a lot of hand motions for several seconds. Dan stares at him appreciatively. His quiff is still damp from his shower and drooping a bit, and he’s clad in nothing but the two large fluffy white hotel towels. He’s ridiculous. Dan loves him.

“Because!” Phil manages to sputter out eventually.

“Because what?” Dan asks, at a loss. He can tell Phil is genuinely mildly upset about whatever it is, but he can't figure out what it is.

“Because!” Phil repeats, “You weren't a mark!”

“...I mean, yeah.” They'd talked about this. Extensively right after the revelation of their secret identities came out. “But,” here Dan hesitates, but he knows they need to talk about it.

“But you liked me. Really liked me, you said. You told me you thought I was gorgeous. That you were so mesmerized that you walked into that potted plant…?”

He greedily took in Phil’s blushing face and spared a little amused smile at the knowledge that even after all this time, after everything they’ve been through together, he could still make Phil this flustered.

Phil sighs. “I did.” It's said quietly but firmly. The words hold a conviction that soothes into Dan's bones like warm cocoa on a winter night.

“Fuck, Dan, I walked into a fucking potted plant because I was so entranced with you I wasn’t watching where I was walking. I'm a trained psy ops agent.”

Dan couldn't help the little smirk at that, nor the warm glow spreading over his chest.

“But you were- I liked you! I mean, I liked you. I wanted… I wanted you. For the first time in a while, I wanted something for myself.” Dan can see him sink back into the seat with a long exhale, and he takes the hand extended to him and lets Phil pull him next to him. “I didn't want to… to approach you like a mark. I didn't want to entice you with some made up persona. I wanted to get to know you. As myself.” He takes another deep breath. “I wanted you to get to know me. And to like me.”

“Oh.” Dan’s response is small. He stays quiet for a while after that, digesting the revelation, his fingers trailing up and down Phil’s arm absent-mindedly.

“…Phil?” Dan breaks the silence after a few minutes.

“Yeah.”

“We're going to roleplay that though, right?”

Phil laughs good-naturedly.

“You will be the irresistible honey trap and I can be the hapless mark, who's hopeless before your worldly charms…”

“Okay, okay,” he's still laughing.

“And I can be properly enchanted and-”

“You won’t be, though, you’ve been with me for over two years now.”

“…whatever makes you think that knowing what you can do in bed will make me less likely to fall to my knees in worship?

“Shut up.”

Dan wasn’t deterred by the words, as Phil was giggling as he said them, and he could read the grin on his face. That was his self-satisfied, proud grin, the one that was almost a smirk. The one he got when someone tried to flirt with him in front of Dan and Dan got possessive. The one he got when Dan got more needy and whiny than usual and he not-so-secretly loved it.

Yeah, Dan was going to be crossing off another fantasy from his bucket list soon.

Phil pulled him closer by his shirt to kiss the obnoxious grin off his face, and Dan knew he’d won.

***

Phil would have nightmares about the night when everything came out for the rest of his life. Sometimes it just plays out like it did in reality. Sometimes it’d be different in some way. The worst one is the one where he presses the trigger. Sometimes Dan screams at him, tells him he doesn’t love him, tells him he never did, that he was a job, that he’s glad it’s over. He doesn’t mind that one so much. In others, Dan tells him he used to love him, so much, but he can never trust Phil again (“You broke my heart. Might as well kill me. You’ve already killed us”). In some of them, Martyn shows up and it’s him that shoots Dan (this is the one that’s guaranteed to make him wake up shaking, because it’s always so real, and it could have so easily been true).

He’ll have these nightmares for the rest of his life and every time it happens, when he wakes up in a cold sweat, or when he’s woken up by the tears that start falling from the corners of his eyes, when he wakes up shaking, feeling like his stomach’s dropped or like there’s an alarming tightness in his chest, every time it happens, every single time, he’ll wake up and reach for his husband lying next to him, in their bed, and he’ll bury his face in Dan’s chest, or Dan’s neck, or Dan’s gorgeous brown curls, and he’ll let himself cry for a bit until he’s calmed down enough to go back to sleep or to get up and face the day. Dan almost always wakes up, and he often holds him close and rubs his back or his sides comfortingly while Phil tries to calm down. He always whispers soft encouragement and gentle assurances, ‘I love you so much’s and ‘shh, it’s okay’s and ‘I’ve got you, I’m here’s. And every single time it happens, Phil will be desperately, unspeakably grateful.

Grateful that he gets to have this, that he got to keep this. That he didn’t completely fuck it up. That Dan’s here still, by his side, in his arms, in their bed, safe and warm and alive and still every bit in love with Phil as they were back when they decided to move in together, as they were in their first anniversary, as they still were, despite everything, that day when Phil confronted Dan with a gun in his hands and other weapons hidden on his body as backup, in the hall of the home they built together. He’ll cry and he’ll hold Dan tight and he’ll be grateful.

He’ll be grateful for Dan, who he met, improbably, by sheer luck, and was immediately enamoured with despite knowing next to nothing about him, all those years ago. Dan, who even more improbably seemed just as enamoured with Phil’s awkward charm and general weirdness, and even asked him to go on a date with him. Dan, who’d always been there for him, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, as the minister said at their wedding.

Most of all, he’d feel grateful for Dan’s incredible courage. He’ll be grateful that Dan was so brave when Phil couldn’t gather enough courage or faith or optimism to trust Dan first. And he’ll remember what Dan told him that first time Phil opened up about the nightmares and told him all this.

Dan said, “I’ll always be there so you don’t have to be brave.”

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #am i writing now #phan au #phan #spies au #this is my favourite i've written for this fest

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writeinspiration · 7 years

Text

If you need a sign to stay alive, here it is.

You are unique.

You are valid.

You are loved.

You are enough.

You have always been enough. You will always be enough--and more, more than you may ever realize.

YOU MATTER.

I don’t care if it feels like you don’t matter. You matter to somebody on this planet, even if you don’t think you do. Somebody out there needs you. Someone would be sad if you vanished.

Take a deep breath and kick depression (or whatever else is holding you back or frightening you) in its sorry butt. (Kick executive dysfunction in the butt while you’re at it.)

You matter. You have always mattered. You will always matter. Full stop. End of subject.

I have collected a great number of depression/anxiety/suicide resources over the years. I’m creating a more comprehensive way of containing them and making them more accessible to people who need them. See them below!

(I am well aware that some links are on there more than once. Please don’t message me regarding that.)

It gets better!

I love each and every one of you. <3 Please don’t be mad that I haven’t replied to you yet–I promise I’ll get to it when I’m healthier. I can do one or two every so often like I have been, but I’ve been pretty neglectful, and I’m truly, deeply sorry about that.

And remember: no matter how much things suck, it gets better.

Fight. Win.

Stand up every time you are knocked down.

It is okay to cry. And it is also okay to be afraid of getting back up.

But when it comes down to it, you need to do what is best for you, whether that’s ending a toxic friendship or learning how to manage your time better.

Everyone needs different things, and that doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else.

You are loved. You are wanted. You are important.

Embody love to the best of your ability, and you will go far.

Take one step and then another step. Your journey will be long and hard. But you can do it.

You are loved.

Your life has value.

There are a million reasons to stay here with us.

It gets better.

Just hold on for 40 more seconds, and then 40 more seconds.

Count with me if you need to.

And one day, you’ll realize that it’s been a long time since you last found yourself whispering those comforting numbers under your breath.

Anyone can change their life.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be hard.

Find an outlet if you need to.

Don’t take the plunge.

Please stay here with us.

Motivational wallpapers (made by me!)

Self-care help (my personal reserve)

Self-care masterpost

Reminder: You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass. Just remember to breathe.

————————————————————————————-

DISTRACTIONS

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts.

Draw something

This website translates the time into colours.

Create your own galaxy.

Play flowing.

Make a 3-D line travel where ever you like.

Listen to music.

Calm.

Ocean mood; do nothing for two minutes.

SLEEP ISSUES

8-hour sleep music.

Rainy mood.

Meditation.

Coping with nightmares.

How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

Calm

Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positively and negatively.

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE

Rainy mood.

10 hours of rain and thunder.

3 hours of rain and thunder.

Human heartbeat.

Rainforest.

Sound of rain on a tin roof.

Autumn wind.

Rain on a tent.

Traffic in the rain.

Soft traffic.

Fan.

Train.

Simply noise.

MyNoise.

Rainy cafe.

ANXIETY

How to stop worrying.

Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

The 10 best-ever anxiety management techniques.

Self-help strategies for anxiety.

Helping a friend with anxiety.

All about worrying.

8 myths about anxiety.

SAD, ANGRY, AND DEPRESSED/DEPRESSION

“I’m always sad.”

Feeling sad.

Going through trauma.

“I’m always angry.”

Anger management.

All about anger.

National helplines and websites.

Self-help strategies for depression.

Dealing with depression at work.

Dealing with depression at school.

ISOLATION AND LONELINESS

Pets and mental health.

All about loneliness.

“I feel so alone.”

10 more ideas to help with loneliness.

How to deal with loneliness.

SELF-HARM

Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

146 things to do besides self-harm.

More alternatives to self-harm.

Self-harm alternatives.

How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

Getting rid of scars.

ADDICTION

How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

What is addiction?

All about alcohol and addiction.

The facts about drug addiction.

EATING DISORDERS

Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

Eating disorder treatments.

Support services for eating disorders.

Self-help tips with eating disorders.

Eating disorder recovery.

Recovering from an eating disorder.

100+ reasons to recover.

Understanding and managing eating disorders.

DEALING WITH SELF-HATRED

3 ways to ease self-loathing.

How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

Self-hatred resources.

10-step plan to deal with self-hate.

SUICIDAL

International suicide hotlines (1) (2)

Preventing suicide.

Reasons to stay alive.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Coping with suicidal ideation.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

All about schizophrenia.

Helping a person with schizophrenia.

Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.

Delusions and hallucinations.

OCD

Managing your OCD at home.

Overcoming OCD.

How to cope with OCD.

Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Helping someone with BPD.

All about personality disorders.

Treatment for BPD.

ABUSE

Healthy relationships vs. abusive relationships.

Emotional abuse.

Overcoming sexual abuse.

Hotlines services.

5 ways to escape an abusive relationship.

Domestic violence support.

Signs of an abusive relationship.

What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship.

Surviving abuse.

What you can do if you’re sexually harassed.

Sexual assault support.

What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused.

BULLYING

How to stand up against bullying.

How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber-bullying.

How to help stop people from bullying you.

LOSS AND GRIEF

How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

Grieving for a stranger.

Common reactions to death.

Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

Moving away from friends and family.

Coping with a breakup.

GETTING HELP

Seeking help early.

All about psychological treatments.

Types of help.

All about age and confidentiality.

THINGS YOU NEED TO REMEMBER

Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not.

This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.

You are not alone.

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worth it.

You are strong.

You are not a failure,

Good people exist.

Reaching out shows strength.

Breathe.

Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you.

Give yourself credit.

Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good ones or the bad ones.

Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend.

Focus on the things you can change.

Let go of toxic people.

You don’t need to hide; you’re allowed to feel the way you do.

Try not to beat yourself up.

Something is always happening; you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next.

You are not a bother.

Your existence is more than your appearance.

You are smart.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

You are needed.

Better days are coming.

Your past being dark doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright.

You have more potential than you think.

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling, butterflies x

Depression tag

Writer’s block and depression (1), and again (2), and some pick-me-ups (3)

First drafts don’t have to be good.

Write a whole bunch of crappy sentences if that’s what it takes to get a good one.

Don’t let it get you down. Just get it done.

Your big ideas are worth pursuing.

It’s okay that you’re not who you thought you would be.

Anxiety GIF masterpost.

You are allowed to be whatever gender or religion you most identify with. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are a darling, lovely individual who deserves love and happiness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are worthy of being wherever you are in life. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mental health screening tools (1) (also available in Spanish (2))

Eating disorder recovery tools (1) and resources (2)

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

National Institute of Mental Health

Suicide prevention Twitter

Comprehensive approach to suicide prevention

Resources for schools and communities

To Write Love On Her Arms:

You were created to love and be loved.

People need other people.

Your story is important.

Better days are ahead.

Hope and help are real.

If you are in crisis, please call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741-741.

The deaf and hard of hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1-800-799-4889. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency. Learn more on the NSPL’s website .

International Suicide Hotlines Listed Below

(Outside of the United States)

Please click on your country below:

Argentina Suicide Hotlines

Armenia Suicide Hotlines

Australia Suicide Hotlines

Austria Suicide Hotlines

Barbados Suicide Hotlines

Belgium Suicide Hotlines

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Paupua New Guinea Suicide Hotlines

Philippines Suicide Hotlines

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Russian Federation Suicide Hotlines

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Serbia Suicide Hotlines

Singapore Suicide Hotlines

South Africa Suicide Hotlines

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Sri Lanka Suicide Hotlines

St. Vincent Suicide Hotlines

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United Kingdom Suicide Hotlines

Zimbabwe Suicide Hotlines

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utopianparadoxist · 7 years

Note

Do you think that Rose and Kanaya were originally going to be moirails, and that their being girlfriends was OOC and detrimental to their characters? Generally, what do you think of rosemary?

Well, it’s @rosemarymonth and I’ve wanted to talk about Rosemary and why I think the canon gets WAY too little credit with regards to their execution for ages so I may as well do it now.

Keep in mind, of course, that I am a dude and in no way want any wlw to feel I’m shutting down critiques of Homestuck’s flaws in this regard. I think that’s perfectly valid, this is just my reading. I’ll be interested in seeing what people have to say.

I don’t get to talk about Rosemary enough anyway, so I’ll also take you up on it and go over why I love Rosemary and why I think readings that they were “meant to be moirails” and “go ooc” is straight up just misreading the text, because the comic is actually pretty clear in broadcasting its intent.

The thing to keep in mind is that Homestuck’s entire plot follows one consistent rule: The message of AURYN from The Neverending Story, “Do what you will.”

The events in Homestuck that actually happen are by design the sum product of the wills of the entire cast, and how well characters express their wills on reality directly correlates to how “powerful” they are.

Caliborn is the villain because Lord English violates EVERYONE’s agency by confining them all to the plot of Homestuck/his Alpha Timeline. Within the confines of those prescribed paths, however, reality always defaults to fulfilling the wishes of all characters involved, or resolving the tension between them.

What this means PRACTICALLY is that almost every event that happens in the story, no matter how ridiculous….

is, on some level, foreshadowed by the desires of the characters, just as Arquius’ heroic sacrifice and absorption into LE is foreshadowed by the desires of both him and Caliborn:

Oh, and speaking about Caliborn wanting to be bros with Dirk and allowing him to die as if going to sleep:

All this in mind, let’s focus on Rose and Kanaya. No, I don’t get the impression they were ever going to be moirails. I’m not sure when Hussie decided on Rosemary, but I get the impression it was early, at least by the time Kanaya was introduced.

Why? Let’s take stock of both girls’ desires and conflicts throughout Act 5.

Kanaya’s early characterization revolved around A) A tendency to gravitate and pacify take-charge, forward individuals,

and B) A profound dissatisfaction with that role.

That’s what burned her out so hard when she was interested in Vriska. So I’m not sure why one would assume that actually, Kanaya’s True Destiny was to fall into… the exact same arrangement with Rose once again, despite expressly avoiding it. That doesn’t seem like good storytelling to me.

Especially since Rose is, from the very beginning, posited as an idealistic escape from that solitude for Kanaya. Kanaya is the receiver of Rose’s prophetic text—one of her earliest big contributions as a Seer of Light– and it makes a tremendous impact on her.

That impact is partly manifested as an out and out romantic fantasy about Rose, who Kanaya idealizes as the legendary leader of her session.

Kanaya’s fantasies about Rose in this regard play heavily into her attempted courtship through the Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer sequence—and it is romantic courtship.

Kanaya makes that clear in the mission-critical text document where she positions herself as an antagonistic suitor to John, and that document is first referenced in… oh, mid-Act 4.

So Kanaya’s romantic interest suffuses the narrative from pretty early on. What about Rose?

Let’s talk about romance aesthetics. Pretty much every endgame ship in Homestuck is couched in a distinctive brand of romantic connotation. For example, Dave and Karkat are linked to anime romance cliches, with Dave as shonen hero and Karkat as heroine.

Jade and Davepeta are linked by a mutual indulgence in furry identity. Vriska and Terezi get the “Home Sweet Home” connotation of The Wizard of Oz, and Dirk and Jake have the undying devotion and mutual passion implied by their link to The Princess Bride.

Rose is once described as a reserved girl “enamored by what dwelt in shadow”. This is a facet of her characterization that’s present from moment 1, what with her interest in the Horrorterrors. Another obvious place to go is Mom, and by association Roxy–both of whom certainly “dwell in shadow” as Void players.

And then, of course, we have Kanaya:

Vampires are traditionally associated with hiding in darkness, away from the Light. And Kanaya describes her rainbow drinker fantasy in exactly those terms. So this aesthetic link between them is established pretty damn early, too.

Of course, Kanaya is not a traditional vampire. I’m far from the first to point out that Rainbow Drinkers most strongly resemble the hyper-romanticized, shine-in-the-light vampires of Twilight, one of the most popular romance series for teen girls of the 2000′s.

Taking that incredibly popular aesthetic and using it as a wrapper for the love story of two girls is instantly compelling. What’s genius is that this is a cocktail of imagery that has natural appeal for Rose as a person, because while it’s true that she’s interested in the darkness that surrounds her, it’s clear that Rose spends her narrative seeking the truth and the meaningful.

In other words, even when she’s enmeshed in darkness, what Rose wants is…

The Light. She may not have taken an interest in Meyer’s prose or Edward’s surly patriarchal authority, but all else being equal? Rose was all but made for a story with imagery like Twilight’s. That in and of itself would be evocative and romantic enough, but it goes deeper.

Because Rose’s relationship with Kanaya is deeply interwoven with her relationship to the reality of Homestuck, a conflict that Kanaya directly helps her solve. Perhaps fittingly, given that Kanaya is a Sylph implied to be “Made of Space”, and so innately linked to the Setting of the story through her Aspect.

This conflict between Rose and the Setting of Homestuck is, in my view, nothing less than the main thrust of Rose’s character arc, so it’ll take a little bit to unpack. Let’s dig in.

Rose gets too little credit. She is the first of the main cast to really learn about Lord English, and the unfathomable, canon-defining threat he poses to the cast.

But even before she learns about him in name, she spends pretty much her entire arc resisting and fighting against his machinations, subtly perceiving something deeply wrong in the story from its very beginning.

In this, Rose strikes a compelling counterpoint to her partner TT, Dirk Strider. Because If Dirk’s character arc revolves around his belief that he himself is inherently evil, then it’s fair to say Rose’s main conflict is a belief that the world itself is inherently evil.

Or at the very least, incomprehensible and meaningless. Random and empty of logic or reason. And borderline antagonistic to her and her friends, as though reality itself is an unfortunate occurence.

In other words, Rose’s experience of reality is deeply colored by Void, the aspect of the unimportant, meaningless, irrelevant, and most importantly: incomprehensible.

Just as Dave’s sense of self is broken by his abusive upbringing from a Prince of Heart, so too Rose’s sense of reality is shaped by her codependent relationship with her Mom, a guardian whose actions she can neither understand nor predict.

As a Seer of Light, Rose is drawn towards trying to understand the truth, and in particular the inner truths and meanings behind the minds of others. At the core of her being, Rose is a person who desperately desires to know and understand.

Consider how frustrating this must make Mom’s erratic and dysfunctional behavior to her–there’s no rhyme or reason behind her mother’s actions, influenced as they are by her depression, loneliness, and alcoholism. There’s just apparent randomness from the person who defines her entire life–in essence, the God of her household.

Add in Roxy’s tendency toward passive-aggressive behavior–which Rose definitely perceives from her Mom, whether it was intentionally directed at her or not–and it’s unsurprising that Rose quickly begins to view reality as not just nonsensical and arbitrary, but outright antagonistic.

Rose’s inherently defiant worldview is only intensified by Sburb. Not only does Mom continue being aloof and indecipherable, but Rose discovers that fate has apparently already decreed that she and her friends are doomed to failure and death. To Rose this is more than unacceptable: It’s infuriating.

Throughout Act 5, characters often comment on how Rose’s obsession with subverting Sburb leads her to becoming withdrawn, self-serious, and distant from her relationships. She also attempts to assume responsibility for herself and everyone around her, culminating in the suicide mission she tries to take on alone.

All of this is accompanied by her tearing her Land apart, as she foregoes its “childish” path in favor of something she perceives as more mature and adult. Most blatantly of all, Rose flirts with emulating her Mom in her most obviously adult activity: indulging alcohol. Rose is, in essence, trying to be an adult. Forcing herself to grow up too fast.

By the way? Withdrawing emotions, carefully managing the feelings of others, attempting to assume outsize responsibility for their households and attempting to take care of their guardians are all behavioral hallmarks of kids who grow up in codependent households.

Fast-forward to the aftermath of Cascade, when Rose achieves God Tier and comes face to face with Kanaya for the first time. It’s notable that achieving God Tier is the first moment that Rose is given any indication whatsoever that the plight she shared with her friends was not just random, pointless doom.

It is instead a lucky break. Or a suggestion of greater meaning. In essence, it’s the first time Rose is given really any reason to see reality as anything but the chaotic, nonsensical burden she’s experienced it as so far.

The revelation is accompanied by Kanaya’s sudden phosphorescence, which Rose describes as “inexplicable”–a word usually associated with frustration for her. Here, however, it comes as a happy surprise. Here, Rose is seeing through the incomprehensible Void of her reality to perceive Light for the first time.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the moment is paired with Rose’s first romantic overture toward Kanaya.

Especially since the trend continues. As Rose grows more confident reality not necessarily ALWAYS being a hellish, meaningless landscape of random and pointless suffering, she also grows more playful and willing to be sincere. She grows to trust the Light she was once so suspicious of, asks Kanaya out on dates, and comments on things she enjoys about her without insincerity.

But she remains traumatized and conflicted about her relationship to both her Mom and the world, and takes up Mom’s alcoholism as a way to try to understand the former and ignore the latter.

This comes between her and Kanaya, since Kanaya relies on Rose to help her figure out HER role in the world, and to figure out how to achieve the revival of her species.

It’s worth mentioning that alcohol abuse, for both Rose and Roxy, is extremely Void-coded. It leads Rose to prioritize the pointless, ridiculous, unimportant and non-existent.

Void is also deeply tied to all things physical, as opposed to Light’s link to ideas and the imaginary. And Rose’s lack of guidance is a factor in making Kanaya succumb to her own addiction to Blood.

Here, Kanaya ends up valuing the desires of her physical form as a Rainbow Drinker over the more idealistic goal of the revival of her species, or even her relationship with Rose. As such, the two girls’ problems are marked as the same problem, even as they drive them further apart from one another.

And we see where their disunity and lack of direction takes them Pre-Retcon: It renders both of them less effective, and thus less important to the plot. It also leads them to misfortune. Rose’s inability to connect with and help, or even be helped by Kanaya, leads directly to tragedy in her relationship to the world.

Good thing there’s a flip side.

In the retcon timeline, Rose and Kanaya work stuff out. Rose gets past her alcohol addiction and directly credits Kanaya’s aid for it. Kanaya resists the pull of literal blood as she takes Karkat to Echidna and engages in an intellectual discussion about his relationship to his Aspect and the future of Troll-kind.

Rose reconciles with her Mom completely through Roxy, finding meaning where she could only speculate before. And with her increased ability to sort truth from lie, important from unimportant, and meaningful from irrelevant…

She resolves the tension between herself and the “demands” of Sburb, openly voicing her ambivalence to the very concept of her Personal Quest. In so doing, she illuminates an important truth to both the cast and the audience: that Sburb’s prescribed path to self-actualization is not particularly important, and certainly not strictly necessary.

Inner truth, understanding, good fortune, foresight, and happiness–Rose never needed to comply with some videogame’s 12-step program for self-satisfaction to get any of that, and neither do we. Light can arise anywhere, as long as you have the patience to look for it and people who love you at your side.

Hope this helps you see what I see, anon. Rose and Kanaya’s story is one worth cherishing, and I haven’t even come close to saying all I think there is to say about it, if you can believe that! But its a start.

Happy rosemary month, happy Halloween, and as always

Keep rising! ;)

[Patreon] [Hiveswap Discord]

#Rosemary #Rosemary month #Rose Lalonde #Kanaya Maryam #Homestuck #MSPA #My MSPA Analysis #Seer of Light #Anonymous #Sylph of Space #long post

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thebluelemontree · 6 years

Note

So Sandor doesn't care about kings and mighty lords and stuff like that, but is possible that there's some kind of begrudging respect in him for Sansa's powerful family? Ned, Young Wolf, Blackfish and Jon, too (hopefully, they'll meet in the future) - all those guys are awesome and I'd like to think that Sandor agrees with that.

Hey sorry it took so long to get back to you. I’ve been a bit overwhelmed and it took more time than I thought.

Respect? Errrrr, don’t hate me, but… no, not yet if we’re talking about what’s published so far, but we have reason to hope in the future. The major block to recognizing traits worth respecting in individuals, let alone a whole family, is that deeply ingrained cynicism dancing up to the edge of nihilism. The world is shit, the system is shit, and people are divided into either butchers or meat. Most of the time he sounds like a smug, know-it-all teenager that stands on the sidelines pointing out everything that confirms his bias. Yes, he has some buried idealism wayyyyyyyyy down in there, but it’s not as if they were equally-matched forces duking it out inside him for every word and deed. It’s a worldview that has served him by making him feel strong and invulnerable. There’s just no good reason at the start to dredge up those dreams of childhood, which he associates with vulnerability and helplessness. It’s a security blanket. Think of how hard it is to change someone’s mind about politics or religion. The only way that usually happens is if someone has a lived experience that challenges their current beliefs. Even then it can be a long process of wrestling with the new idea while it competes for brain real estate with the old idea.

For him to even entertain the idea that someone could actually walk the walk of a real hero, a true knight, or lady, he needs to see what they’re made of with his own eyes. His goal post is so far down the field, he actually makes it near impossible for anyone to live up to, which only confirms his bias. Robb and Ned are definitely not the ones who make a dent in that. Maybe he’ll reflect back on them in future books with fairer assessments, but not in the books so far. He’s not impressed with a righteous cause or reputation anymore than wealth or titles.

Specifics under the cut.

The WF training yard is his first interaction with Robb. Not that Sandor respects Joffrey’s boasting and jackass calls for live steel, but he’s not impressed by Robb’s “courage” with this nerf bat training in an adult supervised safe zone either. He even takes a swing himself, just because Robb is so very easily goaded.

The burned man looked at Robb. “How old are you, boy?”

“Fourteen,” Robb said.

“I killed a man at twelve. You can be sure it was not with a blunt sword.”

Arya could see Robb bristle. His pride was wounded. He turned on Ser Rodrik. “Let me do it. I can beat him.”

At this point, Sandor probably thinks Robb and the Starks are just more of the same self-congratulatory nobility that he’s used to. Maybe not as dysfunctional and ruthless as the Lannisters, but still part of the same system. Like Sansa, he probably thought Ned was a bit of a naive fool that got in way over his head. He believes what passes for honor and righteousness are just fancy clothes people dress themselves in or it’s a fool’s tin armor. It would be inevitable that the latter would get themselves eaten alive. Only people like him that have The Truth™️ figured out survive. It takes Sansa’s lived example right in front of his face to take a chip out of those ideas.

She has it in her to be a real deal true lady, despite his first impression that she’s just empty-headed and superficial. After Ned’s execution and Sansa is forced to look at her father’s tarred head, she’s determined to look without seeing. She shows enormous strength of will to not give Joffrey one iota of the reaction he desires. When he taunts her some more, she bites back: “Maybe my brother will give me your head.” I won’t glamorize her murder-suicide thoughts, but I think witnessing this scene shows Sandor that innocence, compassion, and vulnerability can go hand in hand with real strength and courage. Just because awful people hurt her does not mean she is weak. It just might move that goal post a tiny bit closer in that even a sometimes superficial, imperfect, childish young girl can still conduct herself in such a way. It’s still a long way from reconciling what he’s just seen with near a whole lifetime of cynicism. It’s a start though!

When he smiled, she knew he was mocking her. “Your brother is a traitor too, you know.” He turned Septa Mordane’s head back around. “I remember your brother from Winterfell. My dog called him the lord of the wooden sword. Didn’t you, dog?”

“Did I?” the Hound replied. “I don’t recall.”

Sandor probably did say that back in early AGOT when he didn’t gaf and would crack jokes like that to amuse himself as much as Joffrey; however, it seems as though he’s regretting and distancing himself from that bit of immature ridicule for her sake, not so much Robb’s. But let’s be real. He’s not always respectful toward Sansa from this point forward, but he’s staying in the conversation. He’s still fighting the ideas she’s challenging him with. It’s only by his actions, not words, that we see him starting to test those waters by making different choices. He wants to be proven wrong deep down, but he’s going kicking and screaming the whole way.

The other Stark he’s spent a significant amount of time with is Arya.

“I’m not a boy! But Mycah was. He was a butcher’s boy and you killed him. Jory said you cut him near in half, and he never even had a sword.” She could feel them looking at her now, the women and the children and the men who called themselves the knights of the hollow hill. “Who’s this now?” someone asked.

The Hound answered. “Seven hells. The little sister. The brat who tossed Joff’s pretty sword in the river.” He gave a bark of laughter. “Don’t you know you’re dead?”

“No, you’re dead,” she threw back at him.

Against all odds, Arya is alive. The little girl that bested Joffrey with a “wooden sword” no less and made a mockery “Lion’s Tooth,” a tale that probably amused him as much as it did Renly. He’s not meaning “brat” in a truly insulting way here, but that he’s genuinely surprised she’s survived this long and that she must really be tough as nails. The Wolf Bitch nickname he gives her follows that same line. And he seems to appreciate it when she’s bluntly honest. I think he does respect aspects of Arya because he can certainly relate to being an angry, scrappy kid. This is up to a point, because he’s very annoyed that she is relentless in reminding him about his accountability in Mycah’s death. Through their journey, he is mostly focused on how helping her serves his needs.

If this Young Wolf has the wits the gods gave a toad, he’ll make me a lordling and beg me to enter his service. He needs me, though he may not know it yet. Maybe I’ll even kill Gregor for him, he’d like that.“

“He’ll never take you,” she spat back. “Not you.”

“Then I’ll take as much gold as I can carry, laugh in his face, and ride off. If he doesn’t take me, he’d be wise to kill me, but he won’t. Too much his father’s son, from what I hear. Fine with me. Either way I win. And so do you, she-wolf.

Eh, I’m not seeing respect for Robb or Ned here, grudging or otherwise. Sandor is still not getting it yet, though his intentions are to find a way to get back to KL and rescue Sansa. All this wishful thinking aside, he wants to look like a big hero, but do so by cynically playing on Robb’s sense of honor as a wedge in the door. He wants it both ways. To be a true knight in Sansa’s eyes, while keeping his security blanket right where it is.

It’s really at his death scene where Sandor confesses to the point of overly taking responsibility and feeling remorse for even the things he didn’t do, that he really connects with his best self. No more bullshit. He’s thoroughly stripped down and vulnerable and finally open to someone like the Elder Brother coming along. If we’re judging by the gravedigger’s humility and quiet, humble service, Sandor has learned quite a bit about respect for others. Respect for people he would have one considered weak for their pious, peaceful life. Stranger’s refusal to be turned into a plow horse or be gelded means he’s not meant to remain there nor will he abandon all of his personality. He will return to the story, but I think directing his anger and biting criticism to individuals that truly deserve it.

So I do have a lot of hope for the future though, because he does seem like a displaced Northerner and that can’t be for nothing. I would be neat if he gets to meet some remaining members of Sansa’s family and hopefully they won’t try to kill him on sight. There’s still the Saltpans matter to clear up. I lean toward that Sandor will actually become part of this family one day, so I think at that point there’d be some honest to goodness mutual respect, not just grudging. :)

#Anonymous #sandor clegane #respect #twow spec #sandor clegane meta #sorry it took so long #I'm getting caught up now

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seven-oomen · 4 years

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Okay, this probably won’t be that long, because I have an early shift in the morning, and really should probably already be in bed. But, I am very glad to hear from you again, even if things are shitty right now. Also, omg, again, you are not a dick for focusing on your mental health for a while. I figured there was a good chance that was part of what was going on. I have multiple friends who have pulled back from various social media, because shit is just really fucked up right now, and most people are having trouble dealing, without any extra issues on top of it.

I’m really sorry about your therapists, and hope you can either find some equally helpful new ones, or maybe follow your old ones if they end up somewhere else? Would having official diagnoses possibly help make your old employer more cooperative about the unemployment stuff? And that sucks about the whole reducing how much welfare you get if people help you thing. The US has similar stupid issues with some of their programs. I have a friend on disability that has to be careful how much child support she gets from her ex at a time because if she has too much in savings she could lose her disability. Which is ridiculous on so many levels, but hey, what else would I expect from this country at this point?

Things at work/in my city have somewhat settled down at this point. Protests are still happening, and the cops are still being assholes, but slightly less so than before. Things aren’t not good necessarily, but they’re better. And while I still have to fight the urge to throw elbows with customers who can’t understand proper social distancing, work has been okay on that front at least. My schedule has been all over the place due to various people on vacation/medical leave, but thankfully nothing covid related.

Speaking of vacations, I did finally get a few days off, even though I did not get as much done as I’d hoped. I did get at least a few items checked off my list however, so that’s something. The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit this year, but between (probable) executive dysfunction and rollercoastering anxiety, it’s been sporadic at best. I added some more songs to the Halloween mix on my computer, so now it’s nearly 10 hours of music, so I’ve been playing it to try and help. I have a decent amount of decorations up now, and I caved and bought two frankly huge pumpkins at the grocery the other day that I now have to figure out what to do with. One of my friends is trying to arrange a spooky gift exchange since we can’t have any of the parties we normally would, so we’ll see how that goes.

And I will definitely get that story dug back out and give it a going over as soon as I have a free day. I think it was pretty much done, but it’s been a little bit since I looked at it because I’ve been trying to get further in my current WIP (I need to listen to that “Just write the scene” post, because that’s one of my main issues right now, thinking of scenes for later and getting irritated because I’m not that far in the plot yet.) And I very much still love that universe, and think of those assholes fairly often.

Holy crud, it’s later than I realized. To sum up, I’m very glad that you’re still here, and if getting through stuff requires the occasional tumblr sabbatical, that is absolutely okay. Take care of you first. And if you want to email me, you can, that’s an older email address, but I do still check it sometimes. Be warned, however, that I am pretty much fuckall useless for any helpful advice. My main skill is to be awkwardly yet earnestly encouraging while having no real clue what to say. But I’m here. And on a related note, I continue to be awed and impressed at the way you refuse to let any of this stop you, and keep pushing through despite everything, even if it doesn’t feel that way from your side of the view. (I hope that made sense. Like I said, not so great with the practical advice/support, but I assure you the sentiment it there.) I’m glad you’re doing the best you can, and that Mo is doing okay (I didn’t know he’d been having issues, poor kitty!) Sending all the hope and positive energy (to both of you!) *Hugs!*

Nah but I feel like a dick for not saying anything or responding to anyone on here and I feel like a dick for worrying people. And for that, I do owe you an apology.

(I also recognize that this is probably one of these things that was hammered into me and is a residual thing I still do. I apologize for everything.)

And honestly, it’s really appreciated. It really doesn’t feel like it no, but the logical part of me does agree with you on that one. And I’m really glad you’re still around <3

Mo’s doing okay despite his arthosis, he was limping a little last week but the new food seems to be working and it’s slowly easing again. He seems to be a lot happier now.

Ooh, Spooky gift exchange sounds like a blast though! I was going to go ghost hunting but one of my friends has COVID at the moment and we’re going into a second intelligent lock down over here.

(You’d think the Dutch would be better at social distancing and wearing masks... but- yeah, more and more people seem to be doing the typical annoying Dutch habit of me me me and fuck everybody else and I’m not going to be controlled by my government and wear a muzzle. And yeah, we have a semi-curfew now and Germany has already decided to close its border to us.)

So I definitely get how it might feel for you guys and I’m really sorry people are being dicks to you. If I could slap them I would. <3

I’m glad you got to take a few days off though, sounds like it was really something you needed and I’m happy you got to tick some boxes.

Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

Cause it kinda gives me the image of Noah doing that when he’s clearing out his own house to prepare for the move to the Hale house. And he clears out some of the old bottles of alcohol. And my brain keeps supplying the image where his family catches him in the act and stages an intervention for him.

Idk why that’s so funny to me.

Glad your neighbours didn’t catch you though XD.

It is kinda late over here too so I’mma head in and catch some zzzz’s. Hope your day went well!

#ben says stuff #my convos with anon #B #submission

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nevillwallace97 · 4 years

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