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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Fragile Tension

Title: Fragile Tension Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: PG-13 / Teen and Up for implied, barely-there violence Summary: Phil’s family deals in espionage, which was working out just fine until he decided to shack up with a civilian. Word Count: 4142 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Spies”. The title is a reference to the song by Depeche Mode. Read on AO3

Phil was terrified. He and Dan had been enjoying an early night in when the lights went out. Phil’s internal alarms immediately went haywire. It could just be a power out… except that when he leaned back to look through the doorway and into the hall, and past that to the sitting room, he could glimpse through the far left sitting room window that the neighbours seemed to have no such issues. It could be a problem with the wiring, or even in the supply company… except that Phil had people whose jobs were to prevent such inconveniences in his day-to-day life, and he’d had professionals scope out this house before he and Dan moved in. The house had state of the art security, some of which wasn’t available to the public yet, so it was highly unlikely that someone had tampered with it by mistake, and the people who would have the skills to tamper with it on purpose… Phil was understandably concerned.

He’d immediately tried sending a distress signal to both Martyn and Corn as soon as he scoped their surroundings to find them as empty as they’d been before the lights went out. He didn’t want to think about how he might need backup, but he was no fool. He wasn’t jeopardising Dan’s life for anything, least of all his professional pride. He had no signal. He knew what he’d find but he tried Dan’s phone anyway. No signal. There was no way this was an accident. Fuck.

Dan had wanted to go to the garage by himself to check on the fuse box and that’s when Phil started to panic. In a cold and calculated way that only really came out when he was working, but still. Panic. Of course, he didn’t normally have his civilian husband-to-be with him on the job. Phil was wishing he hadn’t insisted on having this date night tonight, if only he’d been alone at home when whatever this was happened, with Dan safely out of the way of harm…

Phil insisted they should stay together, so they should both go. Dan looked dubious, but Phil could see he was afraid too. Phil let some of his panic show and Dan caved immediately. He probably didn’t want to be alone either, though for different reasons than Phil. They moved slowly and silently through the house, Phil discreetly taking a couple of things on the way that he could use as weapons. He had switched to on-the-job mode automatically, so he didn’t realise, wouldn't realise until later, that most civilians wouldn’t be able to match him on stealth at a moment’s notice while sneaking through an almost completely dark house (even if it was your own house).

Who would send people to get him in his home?, thought Phil furiously as he moved through the main hall and into the next room. ‘A lot of people’ was sadly the answer, if only they knew where to send them. Fuck, if something happened to Dan because of him… this is exactly why he’d resigned himself to staying single way back when he’d got heavily involved in the lifestyle. That resolution had lasted an embarrassingly short time as soon as Dan came into the picture, though at least Phil could say he’d lasted a full twelve years with nothing but one-night-stands and short dalliances before that happened. As soon as he met Dan, however, it had gone flying out the window. For all his resolve, Phil had been smitten from day one.

Martyn had run so many background checks, even once it became painfully clear that Dan was squeaky clean, that Phil had stopped trying to dissuade him after a while. Better to let him get it out of his system, it’s not like the results would change if Martyn kept it going. Eventually he’d calmed down and started to get to know Dan beyond Phil’s reassurances that no, Martyn, he’s not a honey trap, he’s not a plant, he’s not a mole, he’s just a bloke I fell in love with, okay? Can you give him a chance, at least? Your checks keep coming up empty, and we both know how good you are at what you do. I also know you got the best of the best confirming your results. It’s not his fault our family is so dysfunctional, okay, and I really like him.

It hadn’t taken Martyn too long to warm up to him once he admitted Dan was a civilian and agreed to give him a chance, thankfully. Phil didn’t like to think about his relationship with his brother during those early days before he did. Those were dark days.

It had taken weeks of Martyn coming up with nothing, the first and only screaming match he’d had with Martyn, and Cornelia’s interference to wear him down.

***

“I’m just worried about you,” the desperation in Martyn’s voice was almost enough to make Phil hesitate. Almost.

“I know you mean well, but you’re being irrational.”

“You’re my baby brother!”

“I’m 31 years old, Mar. I can take care of myself. I have a triple digit kill count, for fuck’s sake.”

“And an almost non-existent relationship history,” Martyn cut in, relentless.

Phil winced, but he was done indulging Martyn’s overprotective act.

“Don’t you dare. I have more successful missions that most operatives twice my age. Just because I don’t date often doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”

“I’m- I’ve just never seen you take a risk like this. No one is this clean, Phil, it reeks of a cover-up. And I’ve never seen you this… taken with someone before. I just want to make sure, okay? Can’t you stay away from him until then?”

Phil sighed. He was tired of fighting with his brother. They’ve always been close, it was awful being at odds with him like this. He could understand Martyn’s initial mistrust, but at this point he was being unreasonable. If Martyn of all people hadn’t found anything incriminating yet then it was almost impossible that there was anything to be found.

“Mar, you’ve been investigating him for weeks now. There’s nothing there. And I do know how to take care of myself, you know, I can defend myself if it comes to that. Not that I believe it will-“

“In a physical fight against an opponent, yeah. But what if he makes you fall for him and you can’t bring yourself to hurt him-“

“You’ve been with Corn for over seven years now,” Phil’s voice was uncharacteristically cutting, but he was tired of this.

“We knew she was safe!” Martyn immediately counters. Cornelia doesn’t say anything.

“Mum and Dad are good, but they’re not infallible. She could have been a plant.”

“She’s not-!”

Phil rolled his eyes, trust Mar to completely miss the point as soon as Phil brought up Corn. “Obviously she wasn’t! What I’m saying is: you took a chance! Why should I not get the same leeway? Why can’t I take a chance? It’s a good chance. Odds are pretty good what with your extensive research on him. You know I’m right!”

Martyn hadn’t budged then, but Phil knew from his pained expression that he had got through to him.

It’d take another week and a half of Martyn calling in every favour he could think of and several other professionals looking into it before he caved and agreed to give Dan a chance.

***

Now, Phil focused on the very real, very present threat to his fiancé’s life and wished he could have his big brother’s overprotective vigilance looking over both of them.

By the time they crossed the three rooms between them and the room that led to the garage door, Phil was so on edge he’d swear the fear was a physical presence on the back of his head. Fuck, he’d have to kill in front of Dan. Soft, sweet, wonderful Dan who insisted that Phil catch bugs to release them outside instead of killing them, even the ones he was terrified of. Dan, who had slid into his life, and his heart, and his home, with his bright dimpled smile and his gentle heart, bypassing Phil’s qualms and concerns and better judgement like it was nothing.

What would Dan even think…?

Creak. Click. Thud.

He didn’t get to find out what Dan would think because Dan had shoved him safely out of the way around the corner and thrown himself at the thicker shadows at the end of the hall and what the hell, Phil rolled and moved towards the scuffle, heart stuck in his throat, just in time to find several dark shapes on the floor, unmoving, and four more shapes fighting viciously in his parlour. Three of them had guns. Dan didn’t. In the half a second it took him to assess the situation, Dan had hit one of his assailants in the throat, jumped to execute a flawless thigh choke on another and stabbed the third one on his way down, landing on his feet as the three masked men fell to the floor.

Phil just stood there, in shock.

Dan wasn’t even out of breath.

“Phil?” Dan whispered, looking at him, behind him, scoping the vicinity for more threats. He had a butterfly knife on his hand, how had Phil missed that? When did he get it?

Dan turned to get a 360° look around, giving Phil a blurry look of his broad, lovely back, that back that Phil kissed whenever they cuddled with Dan as the little spoon, sprawled soft and warm and boneless in Phil’s arms; where Phil loved to bury his face first thing in the morning, before he has his first coffee, or any time he walked into the kitchen to find Dan cooking for him, for them, and he couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around his chest and burying his face at the back of his neck, breathing in Dan’s scent and squeezing him against himself. And suddenly, all Phil could think of was Martyn’s warnings, Martyn’s questions, Martyn’s worries, what do you even know about him? Did you tell him anything about our work? Don’t you think it’s suspicious he shows up when we’re pulling probably the biggest mission we’ve even been involved in and just conveniently asks you out?

Dan turns on the light, the little click of the light switch superimposed with the click of Phil taking off the safety on his gun.

***

He can see Dan freeze for a moment, then turn around to look at him.

Phil’s face is completely blank. He’s worked very hard to perfect that blank look.

A near imperceptible sound to his right calls his attention, but he doesn’t take his eyes off Dan’s wide, startled ones as he moves his hand and shoots the remaining assailants before they can creep in on them. He’s pointing the gun back at Dan in two seconds flat, long enough for him to make a move, Phil knows now, but Dan doesn’t. Dan is still completely frozen, staring Phil down.

Phil doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he could even shoot him, even if it turns out Martyn was right about him all along, but Dan takes the decision off his hands when he deflates and moves back against the wall, one step away from Phil, and slowly extends his arm to drop the knife he’s been holding on top of the decorative vanity desk there. They’d had an ‘argument’ about it. Dan had seen it and immediately wanted it and Phil had said it was too expensive and completely useless, it wasn’t even big enough to store things in. He’d caved, of course. He’d wanted to buy Dan all the useless, expensive things he craved, had wanted to spoil him.

“Okay,” his voice is a whisper still, but Phil can hear it tremble despite the volume. “Do it.”

Phil doesn’t talk, doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He just stares blankly at the man he’d sworn to love and protect and cherish as he points his gun straight to his head.

“Get it over with. I don’t want to know. If it wasn’t real… I don’t want to know.”

Dan’s expression felt like a physical kick in the gut. Phil knew those eyes, knew what Dan looked like when he was trying, desperately, to hold back tears. He’d seen him look sick, look scared, look exhausted, but he’d never seen him look shattered before.

Phil never really stood a chance.

***

After Phil puts the gun down, his senses going full-on hyperactive work-mode and assuring him there’s no other threats lurking around, just Dan. Just Dan. Something in Phil breaks, something like his composure, maybe, or possibly his heart, and he has to exercise all of his hard-earned discipline not to burst out crying where he stands.

He’s clutching Dan in his arms in the next second, holding him tighter than is probably comfortable, but he knows Dan doesn’t mind by the way he melts into him, and damn it, if he really is a plant then Martyn was right because Phil already knows he’s going to let Dan kill him if he tries.

“I can’t. But I need… I need to know. It wasn’t- it was real, for me. It was real.”

“Me too. It’s real for me too, Phil, I love you-“

“Tell me. Everything.”

“Okay,” Dan is clearly trying to pull himself together, and Phil is distantly impressed because all he wants to do right now is sink into Dan’s chest and not move for the next few hours. “But we need to go. Now.” Phil made a noise of protest, he didn’t want to let go of Dan, but then Dan let out a shaky breath and said, “There might be more coming, or outside, they could call reinforcements-”

“You're right.” Phil acquiesced. He still took a few long seconds to disentangle himself. At least Dan seemed just as reluctant to let him go.

“Phil-” Dan interrupted himself and made a face as a thought occurred to him. “Oh god, is that even your name?”

“No, my real name is Kyle,” Phil intones with a terrible American accent. He might be having some kind of mental breakdown.

Dan stared back at him with a blank expression that told him he was aggressively suppressing some kind of reaction, and the visual was so familiar it eased something in him and that coupled with the relief of the adrenaline of the last few minutes, made him burst out laughing. He sounded hysterical. He probably looked insane.

“Yes, my name is Phil what the hell, Dan?”

“Oh.”

“Is your name not-?”

“No, of course it is.”

They stared at each other some more, until Dan grabbed his hand and moved them to the garage.

Phil tried not to startle too badly when Dan picked up some hitherto hidden weapons on the way, and instead busied himself with doing the same.

***

After a few minutes of riding in silence, Dan was the first to break.

Phil knew he would, he could see his agitation growing. Phil was still too busy processing his new reality.

“You almost fell flat on your face when we first met!” Dan demanded out of nowhere, bewildered. He was driving them away from the house, but his focus was understandably mostly on Phil and the revelations of the last few minutes.

“I was nervous! You’re very attractive!” Phil defended himself, and the domesticity of it felt like a balm to his metaphorical open wounds. They sounded exactly like this when they disagreed about what painting would look best in the master bedroom, back when they had just moved in together.

Dan shot him an utterly disbelieving look, mouth open and eyes squinting, and Phil felt he had been entirely justified, because if his boyfriend could look this attractive when he was pulling that face and immediately after rocking the foundations of Phil’s world, then no warm-blooded male-attracted person could be expected to function normally when faced with peak Summer Dan in his white skin tight tank top and his taut black tracksuit trousers which exposed his delicate ankles and hugged his thighs just so, and his silver hoop earring and his luxurious mane of wild chocolate brown curls and he was only human, okay? And gay. Very human and very gay. Phil maintained that he’d done well, considering.

***

Almost exactly one year later, on a joint mission (and they only pull joint missions by then, they will not agree to be away from each other unless absolutely necessary), Dan is seething with jealousy watching his husband seduce some poor schmuck.

He is also very turned on. It only makes him angrier.

“You never did that with me,” Dan comments later, once they're out, mission completed and objectives met, when Phil is sprawled out comfortably next to him in the enormous plush red sofa at the hotel room where they’ll be spending the night, before going home. He's been looking at something in his phone for a couple minutes now.

“What?” his husband asks, distracted.

“You never pulled those honey trap skills of yours on me.”

Not even in the early days. Granted, the initial impression Phil had left on him when he slipped into Dan’s life - literally - rather clashed with the suave worldly seductress he'd just watched Phil put on and then off like a second skin. But Dan had seen enough to know… Phil was good, exceptional even, and he could have made it work with a few adjustments.

But now, Phil is sputtering at him, visibly offended for some reason that escapes Dan. He’s so expressive; Dan’s always loved that about him.

“Of course not!”

A little frown finds its way to Dan's brow without his permission. “Why not?”

Phil just makes a high, distressed noise and a lot of hand motions for several seconds. Dan stares at him appreciatively. His quiff is still damp from his shower and drooping a bit, and he’s clad in nothing but the two large fluffy white hotel towels. He’s ridiculous. Dan loves him.

“Because!” Phil manages to sputter out eventually.

“Because what?” Dan asks, at a loss. He can tell Phil is genuinely mildly upset about whatever it is, but he can't figure out what it is.

“Because!” Phil repeats, “You weren't a mark!”

“...I mean, yeah.” They'd talked about this. Extensively right after the revelation of their secret identities came out. “But,” here Dan hesitates, but he knows they need to talk about it.

“But you liked me. Really liked me, you said. You told me you thought I was gorgeous. That you were so mesmerized that you walked into that potted plant…?”

He greedily took in Phil’s blushing face and spared a little amused smile at the knowledge that even after all this time, after everything they’ve been through together, he could still make Phil this flustered.

Phil sighs. “I did.” It's said quietly but firmly. The words hold a conviction that soothes into Dan's bones like warm cocoa on a winter night.

“Fuck, Dan, I walked into a fucking potted plant because I was so entranced with you I wasn’t watching where I was walking. I'm a trained psy ops agent.”

Dan couldn't help the little smirk at that, nor the warm glow spreading over his chest.

“But you were- I liked you! I mean, I liked you. I wanted… I wanted you. For the first time in a while, I wanted something for myself.” Dan can see him sink back into the seat with a long exhale, and he takes the hand extended to him and lets Phil pull him next to him. “I didn't want to… to approach you like a mark. I didn't want to entice you with some made up persona. I wanted to get to know you. As myself.” He takes another deep breath. “I wanted you to get to know me. And to like me.”

“Oh.” Dan’s response is small. He stays quiet for a while after that, digesting the revelation, his fingers trailing up and down Phil’s arm absent-mindedly.

“…Phil?” Dan breaks the silence after a few minutes.

“Yeah.”

“We're going to roleplay that though, right?”

Phil laughs good-naturedly.

“You will be the irresistible honey trap and I can be the hapless mark, who's hopeless before your worldly charms…”

“Okay, okay,” he's still laughing.

“And I can be properly enchanted and-”

“You won’t be, though, you’ve been with me for over two years now.”

“…whatever makes you think that knowing what you can do in bed will make me less likely to fall to my knees in worship?

“Shut up.”

Dan wasn’t deterred by the words, as Phil was giggling as he said them, and he could read the grin on his face. That was his self-satisfied, proud grin, the one that was almost a smirk. The one he got when someone tried to flirt with him in front of Dan and Dan got possessive. The one he got when Dan got more needy and whiny than usual and he not-so-secretly loved it.

Yeah, Dan was going to be crossing off another fantasy from his bucket list soon.

Phil pulled him closer by his shirt to kiss the obnoxious grin off his face, and Dan knew he’d won.

***

Phil would have nightmares about the night when everything came out for the rest of his life. Sometimes it just plays out like it did in reality. Sometimes it’d be different in some way. The worst one is the one where he presses the trigger. Sometimes Dan screams at him, tells him he doesn’t love him, tells him he never did, that he was a job, that he’s glad it’s over. He doesn’t mind that one so much. In others, Dan tells him he used to love him, so much, but he can never trust Phil again (“You broke my heart. Might as well kill me. You’ve already killed us”). In some of them, Martyn shows up and it’s him that shoots Dan (this is the one that’s guaranteed to make him wake up shaking, because it’s always so real, and it could have so easily been true).

He’ll have these nightmares for the rest of his life and every time it happens, when he wakes up in a cold sweat, or when he’s woken up by the tears that start falling from the corners of his eyes, when he wakes up shaking, feeling like his stomach’s dropped or like there’s an alarming tightness in his chest, every time it happens, every single time, he’ll wake up and reach for his husband lying next to him, in their bed, and he’ll bury his face in Dan’s chest, or Dan’s neck, or Dan’s gorgeous brown curls, and he’ll let himself cry for a bit until he’s calmed down enough to go back to sleep or to get up and face the day. Dan almost always wakes up, and he often holds him close and rubs his back or his sides comfortingly while Phil tries to calm down. He always whispers soft encouragement and gentle assurances, ‘I love you so much’s and ‘shh, it’s okay’s and ‘I’ve got you, I’m here’s. And every single time it happens, Phil will be desperately, unspeakably grateful.

Grateful that he gets to have this, that he got to keep this. That he didn’t completely fuck it up. That Dan’s here still, by his side, in his arms, in their bed, safe and warm and alive and still every bit in love with Phil as they were back when they decided to move in together, as they were in their first anniversary, as they still were, despite everything, that day when Phil confronted Dan with a gun in his hands and other weapons hidden on his body as backup, in the hall of the home they built together. He’ll cry and he’ll hold Dan tight and he’ll be grateful.

He’ll be grateful for Dan, who he met, improbably, by sheer luck, and was immediately enamoured with despite knowing next to nothing about him, all those years ago. Dan, who even more improbably seemed just as enamoured with Phil’s awkward charm and general weirdness, and even asked him to go on a date with him. Dan, who’d always been there for him, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, as the minister said at their wedding.

Most of all, he’d feel grateful for Dan’s incredible courage. He’ll be grateful that Dan was so brave when Phil couldn’t gather enough courage or faith or optimism to trust Dan first. And he’ll remember what Dan told him that first time Phil opened up about the nightmares and told him all this.

Dan said, “I’ll always be there so you don’t have to be brave.”

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #am i writing now #phan au #phan #spies au #this is my favourite i've written for this fest

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farkenshnoffingottom · 6 years

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My fill for the pff bingo prompt “broken bone.” They’re pretty simple, but I’ve never made gifs before, so I figured I’d ease into it. I hope you all enjoy them! :)

#e's endless rambling #phandom #phandom fic fest #pff bingo 2018 #dnp #dnpgames #dan and phil play christmas shopper simulator #my gifset

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madzilla84 · 5 years

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PFF Bingo: Masterlist

Here are the stories I wrote for the bingo! Not that many in the end, but 4 is better than none I guess! :)

everything now

Rating: G

Word count: 908

Summary: It’s a big milestone - not that Dan remembered until now. (10 years of Hello Internet)

Written for the Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt ‘birthday’.

read on ao3

digesting

Rating: G

Word count: 709

Summary: The mukbang is complete. Now they just have to get off the floor.

Written for the Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt ‘2018’.

read on ao3

someone

Rating: G

Word count: 4.2k

Summary: Phil has something to tell his brother.

Written for the Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt ‘Pride’.

read on ao3

hangrover

Rating: G

Word count: 562

Summary: A morning after.

Written for the Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt ‘Drug / Alcohol Use’.

read on ao3

#my fic #phanfic #pff bingo 2019 #dan and phil #phan

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phanfeed-ao3 · 5 years

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digesting

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/33ukYvW

by blackbirddan

The mukbang is complete. Now they just have to get off the floor.

Written for the 2019 Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt '2018'.

Words: 709, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of PFF Bingo 2019

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/33ukYvW

#phanfic #phanfiction #phan #danisnotonfire/amazingphil #dan howell/phil lester

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ao3feedphan · 5 years

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digesting

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/33ukYvW

by blackbirddan

The mukbang is complete. Now they just have to get off the floor.

Written for the 2019 Phandom Fic Fests Bingo challenge for the prompt '2018'.

Words: 709, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of PFF Bingo 2019

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/33ukYvW

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #phan

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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Coincidences mean you're on the right path

Title: Coincidences mean you're on the right path Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: G / General Audiences Summary: Dan had been watching Amazingphil since he was a teenager. He never thought they would actually meet, of course, and so he is understandably surprised when Phil walks into the room. Word Count: 4055 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Fandom AU”. This is a canon divergence AU where they never met in 2009, and Dan never started making videos or became an internet cult leader. Now, it’s 2018 and they unexpectedly cross paths. Read on AO3

Dan’s had a stressful day at work, to say the least. This, coupled with staying up much later than he should have last night for an impromptu, ill-advised Netflix marathon is almost enough to tempt him into skipping the gym for the day. Almost, but not quite, as he knows he’ll struggle to fall asleep if he doesn’t tire himself out. It’s for a noble cause, he tells himself, and drags himself there, albeit grudgingly.

He’s in a mood today. It’s the only reason why he’s dragging his feet, really. He knows he’ll get into it as soon as he starts, that’s what always happens. And he understands how crucial exercise is for his mental health. It really has helped a lot since he’d taken it up two years ago. He allows himself a pout and some internal grumbling about it anyway.

Well, as it turns out, he will never be so grateful for his hard-earned discipline, for if he had caved to temptation, he would have missed out.

He’s quite at home in the machine room, doing his own thing with headphones on, as usual, jogging on the treadmill, when none other than Phil Lester, a.k.a. Amazingphil, a.k.a. the star of an embarrassingly large amount of Dan’s teenage fantasies (and also an occasional star of a few current ones), struts into the machine room and sits down on the fucking Leg Press Machine directly in Dan’s line of sight.

Dan barely avoids faceplanting on the treadmill in shock.

The next thirty minutes are a test to his already frayed nerves that Dan wouldn’t have expected to pass, but somehow he managed to play it cool and he doesn’t stare too obviously (he hopes) nor does he make a complete fool of himself in front of his kind-of-celebrity crush (he thinks), dealing a fatal blow to his self-esteem and ruining one of his favourite places to unwind in one fell swoop.

They’re both wearing headphones, and he’s still starstruck and a bit shocked that Amazingphil of all people just walked into his regular gym in a tight green t-shirt that brings out his eyes and tight black shorts that bring out… other assets, so he doesn’t even try to strike up a conversation. He’s too nervous, anyway, he’d probably embarrass himself, and then he’d be out of a gym because there is no way he’d come back here if that were to happen. He doesn’t want to have to scope out gyms again, that way lies madness.

So Dan finishes his set, grabs his things, and he nods to Amazingphil as he leaves. And he doesn’t go hide in the bathroom for a little freak out; he can freak out at home, like a functional adult.

Now, Dan isn’t the huge fan of youtube he used to be when he was a teenager, but he still follows a few channels religiously. Amazingphil and PhilGAMES are the only ones he has the notifications on for, because he may be a grown man and a professional these days, but Phil still holds a special place in his heart. (So what if he never got over his teenage crush, have you seen Phil’s smile? He’s only human, and there’s nothing wrong with a harmless crush on an unattainable sort-of-celebrity. Sue him.)

***

Phil came out officially a few years ago, but it’s been pretty obvious that he was bi from way back on his early days of youtube, so when he tries going to the gym and decides to make a video about what a disaster it was, he doesn’t think twice about going on a rant in the video about how as he was leaving, he saw the most gorgeous man working out and he may or may not have decided to get some exercise on the machines instead of running away because he wanted to stare at this earthly Adonis for a little while.

“And that’s the story of how I went to the gym, almost died because I was too socially anxious to tell the instructor the workout was too intense for me, went to hide in the bathroom to catch my breath for 15 minutes, then went to run away without saying goodbye, saw the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on and felt compelled to man up, go back to tell Leon that it wasn’t working out for me and that I’d like to try the machines so that I could go at my own pace, then embarrassed myself by being the most unfit person in Britain in front of a fitness god with the face of an angel. But hey, I least I got some exercise in! Also, I may be going again just to see if I run into him again. Not to talk to him, or ask him out, I just want to bask in his beauty. What’s the bi equivalent of a useless lesbian? Because that’s me. Oh, I know! A disaster bi. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that somewhere,” he ends with a laugh.

“That’s not creepy, right? Is that creepy?” he asks PJ later. PJ laughs at him, but reassures him that so long as he’s respectful and doesn’t stalk this guy or something, it’s fine. And really, Phil probably couldn’t be a creep if he tried. He’s too polite, and also too good a person to actually put his own selfish desires above someone else’s comfort.

Slightly reassured, Phil goes back to the gym again to try his luck. He wasn’t completely serious in his video, he’s not going to keep going to the gym to stare longingly at this guy. He’s hoping to talk to him at some point, feel him out (metaphorically!) to see if he may be interested. He’s not going to just ask him out out of nowhere, but maybe, if he seems like he might be receptive to it…

***

Dan does have a little freakout as he goes back home, but then life goes on, and he doesn’t see Phil again in the gym for the rest of the week. He figures it’s probably a fluke. Phil has mentioned repeatedly in his videos that’s he’s terribly unfit and that he doesn’t enjoy working out at all, though he’s tried a few times to get into the swing of it. That’s probably what happened, he’s tried it again (it isn’t lost on Dan that it’s the middle of January, and Phil has joked that getting fit is always one of his New Year’s resolutions), but he’ll probably get bored soon.

The big freakout comes four days after, when he gets a notification that Amazingphil has uploaded a video called “Why I should probably not go back to the gym… but will anyway”. He’s glad he waits until he’s home to watch it, because whatever he was expecting (oh god, will he mention the awkward nerd who almost fell off the treadmill when he walked in and kept sneaking looks at him? Shit, did I make him uncomfortable?), it was not this.

Phil wasn’t even going to try the machines? He was walking past and saw Dan and stayed to stare at him?? He thought Dan was attractive? Very attractive even? He was thinking of coming back to stare at Dan some more?? Was this even real? Was he just building up a story to make an entertaining video? What was going on? Was this real life? Oh god, he actually goes on a minute-long rant about how gorgeous Dan is and he might have to go scream on a pillow, what is his life. Dan had looked in the mirror when he went home after the awkward gym kind-of-encounter that day; he’d finished an hour long session of exercise and he’d looked it. He was tired and sweaty and he’d worn his too big grey exercise t-shirt that day. He’d looked like the exhausted, emo-adjacent, sweaty rat that he was, what was Phil talking about?

***

The next time, Phil tries talking to him. Nothing too ambitious, just some small talk.

He takes his chance when the man stops the machine he’s on and steps away, pulling his headphones off and into his backpack.

“Hey, um, hi,” Phil says and gives a little wave. “Sorry to bother you, I just signed in last week and I was wondering if you’ve been coming here for long?”

The man looks a bit surprised, but not bothered, to Phil’s relief.

“Oh, hi. Yeah, a bit over a year?” His phone beeps and he looks at it distractedly, but he keeps talking. “Since I moved in to London, really.” He puts his phone back and turns his attention to Phil again. Phil beams at him.

“Oh, that’s great!” he maybe sounds a bit too excited about that, but he’s a bit nervous and he’s glad the guy is volunteering information and seems to be okay talking to him. “I don’t know much about gyms, or exercise, as you can see,” Phil joked, waving his right arm to encompass himself, illustrating his unfit condition, “so I thought I’d ask someone for… suggestions, I guess? If that’s okay”.

The man looks surprised again for a second, but then he looks him up and down appreciatively and once he’s made it all the way up to Phil’s eyes again, he declares, “I don’t know that you need any. I think you look great”.

Phil is startled into a quiet laugh and he can feel the blush on his face, but he can’t be too bothered given the current situation.

“I’m Dan,” the man smiles at him, and Phil suddenly feels like a deer in the headlights. Oh god, he has dimples. The humanity. He’s actually a thousand times more attractive when he smiles, how? Phil has the urge to do something stupid. He powers through it, but he’s taken a critical hit, and he probably comes off as extremely weird through the rest of the short conversation. Not that he isn’t weird. He’s made a whole series of youtube videos about it. It’s part of his core branding.

“I’d be happy to give you some tips, or whatever it is you’re looking for,” Dan starts, then his phone beeps again, and he interrupts whatever he was going to say to check it, again, then sighs. “Sorry, I’d love to help you out right now, but I really need to go… deal with this client.” His phone makes another, different sound, and Phil can see Dan isn’t happy about it, but then he shoves the phone away and when he turns to Phil again, he has a small, shy-looking smile on his face. Phil is a goner.

“If you want... I come here every day from six to seven or so, except Sundays. If you come around that time, I’d be happy to help you?” The words lift into a question, into an invitation that Phil can take or leave.

Phil recognises that it’s a very open invitation. If he actually wants help and nothing else, Dan would probably indulge him. If Phil was uncomfortable and didn’t want to run into him again, he now knows what time Dan comes and can plan around it to avoid him. And if he wants something else, like, say, misuse his gym membership card to come flirt with a gorgeous guy he met in the machine room…

Dan is picking up his stuff, conspicuously giving him some breathing room, and Phil realises he might have come off as uninterested, which is the opposite of what he wants to do now that Dan’s flirted with him first, so he smiles and brings out the bedroom eyes.

“That’d be brilliant. I’ll definitely take you up on that.”

Phil’s gratified to see Dan looks affected, if the searing look he throws his way is any indication, but after a few seconds, his phone beeps again and he’s moving to leave.

“Good,” he says, his slightly crooked smile giving Phil ample incentive to stick to his New Year’s resolution for once. “I’ll see you around, then”.

Now, because Phil is a useless bisexual, it is only at this point that he realises he’s never offered his name, and Dan is turning to leave, so he blurts it out.

“My name’s Phil, by the way!”

Dan stops, turns back to him and gives him another one of those devastating smiles, the kind that brings out his dimples, and Phil may be swooning.

“Phil,” Dan says, less as if he’s trying out the word and more as if he’s relishing in it. “I look forward to seeing you again”. The he turns and actually leaves.

Phil is left alone in the machine room, staring at the door Dan left through and smiling like a lunatic for the next couple of minutes.

***

“Okay, I have a confession to make,” Dan starts before they even open the menus.

“Okay?”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way. I just… feel like I need to tell you this if we’re actually going to do this.”

Okay, now Phil is a little worried, but he’s open to hear Dan out on whatever it is. He really likes Dan an unreasonable amount for how recently they’ve met and how little time they’ve spent together. He’d like to think he’s an open-minded person, and so he quickly decides that he’ll be kind no matter what it is that’s making Dan look this nervous.

“Okay. I’m listening.” Phil wants to hold Dan’s hand to maybe put him at ease, but he’s not sure if that would help or make things worse, so he refrains.

“Right. Okay.” Dan takes a deep breath. ”Um. Okay. I… knew your name. That day we talked for the first time. And the time before that, really, when I first saw you in the gym.”

“Okay?” He doesn’t know what Dan is hinting at.

“I know who you are, I mean. I’ve known who you are since 2006, when I first became obsessed with Youtube.”

Oh.

“Oh.” Phil wasn’t expecting that, but he’s not sure why something like that would make Dan this nervous, so he figures there’s more. When Dan doesn’t elaborate, but rather keeps looking at him in silence, Phil tries to break the ice. “So, you used to watch my videos?”

Dan relaxes a little as Phil smiles at him. “Yeah. I was a huge fan, actually.” He still looks nervous, so Phil decides to throw caution to the wind and move to hold his hand anyway. When he reaches out and threads their fingers together over the table, Dan gives him a questioning look, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, he moves his thumb to gently rub Phil’s hand, and manages a shaky smile.

Did he think Phil was going to be upset that Dan liked his videos as a teenager? Or that Phil maybe wouldn’t want to date someone who used to be a viewer? That was crazy. This was actually great, as it meant Dan had to have some idea of what he was getting into, dating a youtuber. It also meant Phil wouldn’t have to explain Youtube to him, or his nosey audience, or why there was a good chance their dates would be interrupted by people asking for a picture with him. The only reason Phil had chosen this restaurant for their first proper date (flirting at the gym didn’t count as proper dates) and had gone for a private room was so that he could get the explanation out of the way before that happened.

“I don’t mind, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he reassures Dan. “That’s actually really flattering. Though I wonder what I did to lose you as a viewer,” Phil jokes.

Dan winces and says. “You didn’t.”

Now Phil’s eyebrows shoot up, but he still doesn’t pull his hand away. It gives Dan the strength he couldn’t seem to gather before.

“I started watching you early on, and watched you all through college. I used to watch a lot of youtube then. I gradually stopped watching Youtube as a whole when I graduated and got a job, as a result of a mixture of lack of time and waning interest, but there’s a few channels I still check out every once in a while. Yours is among them.”

Phil squeezes his hand reassuringly, and grins. “Do you follow my social media accounts?”

“Um. Yeah. Instagram.”

Phil grinned warmly, “Really? So you like looking at me. Good to know.”

Dan made an embarrassed little noise of protest, but he couldn’t really argue. “You’re nice to look at.” He was blushing a little, but he was also looking him in the eye now, shy but determined. Phil got distracted by the little rosy patch that formed right over his jaw.

“Do you follow me on twitter? Or on Tumblr? Do you troll the IDB forums?” Phil is full on teasing him now. It seems highly unlikely that Dan is one of his most invested fans; in fact, the idea is kind of hilarious. And also kind of hot. He might revisit that idea later. In private.

Dan laughs, “No, and no, and I don’t even know what that last one is, do I want to know?”

“It’s a fan forum. It’s… very comprehensive. There’s a lot of information and speculation going on there. You know, actual fandom stuff.”

Dan scoffs at that, but he’s still smiling, so Phil counts it as a win. “I’m not in the fandom. Ha, I wouldn’t have even had the time for it until recently, with the way I let work take over my life. Just… you know. I watch your videos.”

“And you follow my Insta,” Phil reminded him.

“Okay, that too.”

“Is that why you watch my videos? Because you think I’m ‘nice to look at’?” Phil teases.

“Well, I mean, that certainly helped,” Dan answers candidly, and damn it, now it’s Phil’s turn to blush. “But I wouldn’t have kept watching if you weren’t also hilarious. You’re just fun to watch, you know?”

Phil is thinking this is all immensely cute when it dawns on him what his next to last video was. “Oh no. Oh no, god, you still watch my videos.” His hand is gripping Dan’s like a lifeline in mortification.

“Yeah…?”

“Mfph,” Phil says from behind his other hand. Which he is trying and failing to hide behind. His right hand hasn’t even tried to let go of Dan’s, so Dan doesn’t panic. Mostly.

“You saw my video, didn’t you? The gym video? Where I go on and on about how fit you are?”

“Yep;” Dan answered cheekily.

Phil moaned in embarrassment behind his hand and Dan laughs. It sounds about as beautiful as he is, which is saying a lot. Okay, Phil may be a bit smitten, but he thinks he has reason to be, all things considered.

“Instant favourite. How do you think I managed to find the guts to flirt with you?”

At that, Phil peeks out of his hand.

“I wasn’t sure if you even meant it, but. I mean, I know you must exaggerate or even make up part of your stories to make them entertaining for an audience. But. I mean, you did go on for about two minutes about how gorgeous I was, so,” Dan laughs a bit under his breath and Phil is so charmed he finally pulls his hand away from his face. “I figured I probably had a chance if you ever showed up in the gym again.”

“I meant it,” Phil tells him. The way Dan is looking at him, joy and affection and attraction (a look that would later be dubbed ‘Heart Eyes Howell’ by Phil’s fans), prompts Phil to admit “...I actually had to reshoot that because I went on quite the lengthy rant about it the first time. And then I had to cut some of it from the take you did see, so that it wouldn’t jar the flow of the video.”

Phil is blushing again, but Dan looks thrilled, so he doesn’t mind too much.

***

Amazingphil posted “Life Update! Amazing Boyfriend? (Not Clickbait)”

“Hi guys! So, a lot of people have been asking about this on twitter - *zoom in* and everywhere else *laughs, zoom out* so I thought I’d let you know what’s been going on in my life.

Yes, I’m dating someone. Yes, it’s a guy. Yes, I’m very happy about it and you all should be grateful I have some self-control because if I had immediately given in to the urge to gush about him, you’d all be sick of it by now. *laughs*

So, anyway! In this video, I’ll tell you a little about how we met, and I think some of you will be pleasantly surprised to find out that I’ve actually mentioned him before in a past video.

Remember when I said this? [clip of the gym video where he talks about how his struggles in the gym led him to stumbling upon the Most Beautiful Man In The World.]

Weeeell… *looks to the side*

I did go back, as it turns out, and I didn’t see him again. But I was already there, so I might as well do some exercise, right? So I did, and nothing happened, and I came back home tired and sore and slightly disappointed.

But then! The next time I went, I caught him just as he was finishing his, like, workout day, or whatever it is that people who exercise regularly call it, and I thought to myself, ‘Phil. This is your chance. Just talk to him. Make some small talk. No pressure, just some casual human interaction. Just a chill talk with the most attractive man you’ve ever seen in your life. Nothing to be nervous about! *laughs, closes his eyes and shakes his head at himself*

So, I give myself a little pep talk, I pluck up my courage, and I. Go. Talk to him! *celebratory music*

And what does he do? *Phil enunciates, giggly* What does he do as I start talking to him, just trying to set up a friendly, relaxed atmosphere? Just opening up the lines of communication, you know, some casual bants? Do you know what he does? He immediately, shamelessly, flirts with me. *Phil laughs again*

I was… shook.

So, we talked a little but then he had to go - which I was actually grateful for because by that time I was freaking out internally and I didn’t want to make a complete fool of myself - but! We arranged to meet again, in the gym.

And the next time we did meet, I asked him out. On an actual date, not just… hanging out in the gym so that I had to awkwardly try not to embarrass myself as I work out in front of him even though I’m terrible at it.

So, long story short, we’ve been dating since then. *celebratory music*

So now you know. I am officially dating the Most Beautiful Man In The World.

*soft background music stops* Not even kidding, he’s the most attractive person I’ve seen in my life. It’s kind of surreal.

*music resumes*

So! I know some of you guys have been asking to meet him, as it were, and I have good news for you! I will be making a video with him soon, probably in the next week, so look out for that! Also, *zoom in* be nice to him, please, he’s wonderful and I’m really happy he’s in my life. Let’s not drive him away, yeah! *laughs*

*zooms out* I’m kidding! He knows you’re all crazy, I told him all about you guys. And he seems ready to adopt you all anyway, so that’s alright. The poor bastard.

Anyway, that’s it for today! I hope you all have a great day! Please press like if you liked the video, I actually want to know if you guys enjoy this type of casual life update... talk-type thing and if I should make more of these. Click the subscribe button if you want to see more of me, and click the notification bell to be told when I post a new video! Check out my gaming channel! And I’ll see you guys soon! Byeee!”

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #phan #am i writing now

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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Mirror, mirror on the wall

Title: Mirror, mirror on the wall Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: NC-17 / Explicit Summary: There is a mirror on the ceiling over the pull-out bed in the tour bus. Word Count: 1602 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Sharing a bed”. I went with smut. Read on AO3

There is a mirror on the ceiling over the pull-out bed in the tour bus. The bed they would be sharing for the few months of the American leg of their tour. A mirror. On the ceiling. They had known, of course; they had taken care of the accommodations themselves, mostly. But in the whirlwind of sleep-deprived tour preparations it had temporarily slipped their minds.

They hadn’t chosen this bus because of it. It had simply been the best option in terms of price and space, but Phil remembered Dan’s tired half-smirk when they’d read about the ‘special feature’, in between phone calls, rushed meetings and emails, the exhaustion pulling on them both ensuring it was nothing more than a nice thought, a charged look, a brief pause in the mad rush to get everything done in time.

Now, though… Suddenly it was staring them in the face, and they were very, very aware.

Their problem was: Dan was loud. They both were, but Dan was exponentially worse.

They had music on, which was common enough that it shouldn’t be too suspicious, but Dan could be louder than their usual music volume, and he was enjoying this even more than he’d been expecting to, and he‘d known he’d love it since the first moment he walked into the room.

The bus went over uneven ground and Phil hurriedly put one of his lovely hands over Dan’s mouth just in time to muffle the drawn out moan that ripped out of Dan’s throat as the movements shook them, causing a chain reaction of pleasure as Phil slid in deeper and rapidly hit a variety of interesting spots.

“Fuck. Fuck,” Phil’s voice was low and deep, desperate in a way it only got when they did this, and that knowledge only made Dan harder where he was futilely pressed up against Phil’s stomach. He couldn’t get enough leverage as he was, pressed down in to the mattress by Phil’s deceptively strong body, Phil’s hand muffling his whines and pressing his head firmly into the place where their pillows had been before their enthusiasm landed them on the floor, thighs open as wide as they could comfortably go, one calf hooked to Phil’s lower back.

The feeling was wonderfully familiar, Phil fucking him slow and hard, exactly as they both liked it when they had the time to be self-indulgent but were too turned on to make it sensual and romantic. But the view was new.

Dan wasn’t used to seeing himself when they had sex, or even when he got off by himself. He didn’t expect that he’d be so affected by the visual. He looked decadent, completely high on Phil, on Phil’s body, on what Phil could do to him. What they did together. And he was. Dan watched as his biceps flexed, clutching to Phil’s lovely broad back. Dan loved Phil’s back, loved to scratch it up while Phil thrust into him, loved to run his tongue down the spine and feel him shiver under him, loved adorning it with little bites while he fingered him open, loved seeing it go taut when Dan found the right place with his fingers or his cock. He had a gorgeous view of it now, pale and broad and littered with scratches from when he’d been teasing Dan earlier and Dan had decided to retaliate.

The bus hit another bump in the road and Dan fucking yowled. Phil shoved his face into Dan’s neck to muffle his own groans and fuck, that wasn’t going to help Dan to contain his own sounds.

Dan tried to take deep breaths, but as soon as he opened his eyes he was faced with the mirror again, and he looked… he looked like some kind of porn star, cheeks flushed and eyes fighting the urge to close under the unrelenting onslaught of pleasure, legs spread wide to accommodate Phil between them, with a palm on his hand to quiet the desperate sounds that Phil was wringing out of him. One of his hands had moved to grip the sheets next to him, and he could see Phil’s entire backside, naked and sweaty and beautiful. He could see Phil’s muscles contract and release every time he swiveled forward, he could see Phil’s thighs strain, could hungrily take in the way his ass bounced slightly with every thrust, could make out the muscles tensing when he bottomed out,

He was distracted by a bite to his shoulder, and fuck, that had him tightening around Phil and whining against his palm. Phil must be close too if he was biting him.

They’d been so busy they hadn’t had time for a leisurely fuck in over a week, and the hurried handjobs and blowjobs of the last few days had them more wound up than usual. But even without that, Dan would be a mess right now on account of the view, (he might have to sweet talk Phil into getting some sort of big, conveniently placed mirrored surface in their next house).

Phil’s thrusts were getting sloppy, Dan knew from experience that meant Phil would be coming first, and he tightened around him again, this time deliberately, and pushed his head back further to expose his long neck, carefully so as not to disentangle Phil’s firm hold over his mouth, or as carefully as he could when he was high on sex and Phil and the thrill of doing this a few meters away from the others, anyway.

Soon enough, Phil had his mouth on Dan’s collarbones, dragged his teeth up to tease at his neck, light enough that he wouldn’t leave marks, and a few thrusts later he was burying his face against Dan’s neck again as he came inside him.

Dan watched it all unfold on the mirror, watched Phil, breathing heavily, gather up his strength to hold himself up on his elbows, and being suddenly face to face with him was enough to distract Dan from the mirror, but not for long.

Phil shot him a dopey grin and moved back, baring Dan’s entire body to the mirror, moved to sit back on his haunches to Dan’s right, and reached back to clasp his hand back over Dan’s entirely too loud mouth. Dan’s eyes widened, and he could see his dick twitch with another wave of lust. Oh, this was going to be good.

Phil took a few long seconds to stare at him, with a hungry look in his eyes that had Dan swallowing back a whimper. There was nothing more satisfying to him than watching Phil want him like this, even after he’d just come. Maybe especially after he’d just come. Dan could feel the slick between his legs, could feel the gnawing emptiness that had been begging to be filled since Phil had pulled out, he enjoyed some teasing normally, but he was so on edge right now that he just wanted to get off.

Of course, he could always count on Phil to know what he needs and to give it to him.

Phil reached with his other hand, trailed down Dan’s chest and palmed his cock, pumped it a few times, hard and slow like Dan liked it, then stilled, letting Dan be the one to chase the pleasure. Meanwhile, Dan watched it all happen on the mirror above them, saw himself, flushed and writhing on the mattress, feet planted to fuck Phil’s fist at his leisure.

Phil didn’t let that go on for long, however. Ignoring Dan’s whines, he let go of his cock and moved his fingers down, teasing his balls on the way to his destination. As soon as the tips of Phil’s fingers reached his rim, Dan started letting out soft, pleading sounds again. Fuck, yes, Phil knew exactly what he wanted, and he was going to indulge him, wasn’t he?

Phil teased around the rim, drawing the pads of his fingers in tight circles around it first, and Dan could see on their reflection that he was tracing the shapes over his own come, which must have leaked out at some point without him noticing, and the thought alone had Dan aching. He made another muffled sound and Phil seemed to get the message.

He pushed two fingers inside, found no resistance, then immediately added a third, and used his thumb to press lightly right under his balls. He had to press his other hand harder against his mouth at that, but he only partially managed to muffle Dan’s moans. Hopefully, the music would mask the rest.

Dan kept his eyes open with difficulty, entranced with his own image staring back at him, hard and desperate as Phil fucked him with his fingers on the back of their tour bus.

Phil leaned in to whisper directly in his ear, “touch yourself,” and Dan moved to comply in a daze. It couldn’t last long after that, Dan had been on edge for too long, and Phil knew exactly how to wring pleasure from him. Dan came all over his stomach and chest, with Phil’s hand roughly keeping him as quiet as he could and Phil’s fingers doing all the right things to milk out the pleasure.

Coming down was a little disorienting, but somehow the visual of himself, naked, out of breath and covered with come, hair a complete mess, did not become unappealing to him as he thought it might. Huh.

Slipping into the bathroom for an inconspicuous shower was going to be a challenge, but they were both too high on endorphins right then to give a damn.

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #phan #am i writing now #this is smut

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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Weirdo

Title: Weirdo Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: G / General Audiences Summary: Phil’s always been weird. Word Count: 533 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Player’s Choice”. My choice was fluffy character introspection. It’s really mostly fluff. Read on AO3

Phil has been told he’s weird for as long as he can remember.

His parents always said it with love and acceptance, if still drenched in incomprehension. His classmates at school had said it with incomprehension too; sometimes as a weapon aimed to hurt in the form of spiteful and sharp snubs, sometimes as the matter-of-fact observation of a child that hasn’t yet learned the impact their words can have on friends and peers.

His brother always said it playfully, as something to be proud of, something that set him apart. Having someone he admired and tried to emulate be supportive was more important to him than he’d realised growing up.

Secondary school brought with it puberty and hormonal changes and the prospect of dating. Having a friend group helped with the taunts but not with the rest. He tried dating a few girls, but it never worked out, and soon enough the realisation came to him that he was weird in this as well because even though he liked girls, he liked boys too. He didn’t try to date boys then, though. That wouldn’t come until university afforded him the confidence and freedom of being away from home, of turning a new leaf, and the possibility of starting over away from the people who’d known him since he was a weird child wishing desperately for braces and eating fish food to become better at swimming.

With university came youtube, and coming out of his shell, making new friends and a safe space where he could explore his weirdness. Youtube became an outlet for it; on the internet, weirdness wasn’t a mark of shame, it was a badge of honour, and soon he’d have thousands reminding him as much.

Dan was different than the others, though. He came from this internet culture that celebrated weirdness, and specifically from this audience Phil had somehow built up of people who enjoyed watching the weird stuff he came up with, but there was something about him.

Dan was one of the first to look beyond that, beyond the weirdness, to try to fathom what lay beneath. He was insistent on it, pushing, always pushing, but never in ways that Phil wasn’t happy to allow. He backed off when Phil indicated he should, but it’d be an understatement to say he came on strong, and before long, he’d wormed his way into Phil’s heart, into his psyche, under his skin, into his arms.

When Dan told him he was weird, he said it with the wonder of scientists who dedicated their whole lives to unveiling the mysteries of the world. He pronounced it with the awe of the pious and the faithful when faced with the divine. Dan accused Phil of being ‘such a weird person’ with the same warmth and cadence movie characters declared their undying love to their destined partners, tenderness and devotion unfurling with the words, and it never failed to centre Phil in himself, to make his own skin tingle with the itch to plaster himself all over this boy, this astounding, implausible boy who had against all odds found him in the vast recesses of the internet and decided to keep him.

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #phan #am i writing now #this is pure fluff #what can i say i'm a soft demon

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maybeformepersonally · 6 years

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Fic: Envy

Title: Envy Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: PG / General Audiences Summary: Phil meets Dan, told through Charlie’s eyes. Word Count: 916 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Envy”. Read on AO3

“Do you ship Phan?” Charlie reads off the screen. “Yes, no,” he says, weariness seeping through.

“I used to,” he then lied. “I don’t anymore.”

“You remind me of Dan so much,” he read. “Brilliant, I’ve never heard that one before,” the bitterness was probably too palpable but he didn’t much care. Not a lot of people would be seeing this liveshow anyway. Phil would probably not bother watching it. They weren’t exactly on speaking terms, not really, not like they used to be; although Phil was still polite and kind when they saw each other. Charlie knew what Phil was like around friends and people he felt comfortable with, however, and nice as Phil still was towards him, it was painfully obvious he didn’t consider Charlie to be in that category anymore.

***

It was 2009 and Charlie had never seen Phil like this. His entire body was alight with it, thrumming with excitement. He’d always had a presence, he’d felt… untouchable, his mind seemed to wander to a place others could never access. But now… Charlie had never seen him so present. He seemed to fill the space all around him, gesticulating, words running into each other in the rush to get them out, almost faster than his mouth could keep up with, eyes bright and smiling more intently than even his lovely mouth. Charlie had spent a lot of time staring at that mouth, first on the screen and later in person. His computer screen didn’t do him justice.

“I’ve never felt like this,” Phil had told him when Charlie brought it up. The words lodged in his throat, deep within his chest, sour and sharp and corrosive like acid. He felt them gnaw at him from the place where he shoved them down, trying to hide their impact from his so-called friend. His so-called friend who had, time and again, ignored him and prioritised other people, other projects, other activities, and who now did this.

***

Phil wouldn’t fucking shut up about him. He didn’t seem able to. It made Charlie want to tear his own hair out.

Charlie brought up a new band he’d found and it was “oh, Dan mentioned them! He thinks their new album is really good. He linked me their channel but I haven’t checked it out yet.” Charlie would excitedly tell Phil about this hilarious video he found, and Phil would laugh softly and say Dan had shown it to him, “wasn’t it so funny? Dan had cried with laughter when he’d first seen it”. Charlie would mention a mutual youtuber friend of theirs and Phil would listen for 10 seconds then would start talking about how much Dan liked their videos and how much Phil was looking forward to introducing them.

Charlie had never heard him gush like this, like he couldn’t keep all the words inside him anymore; this newfound desire to share his thoughts (and damn if every single one of them didn’t revolve around Dan Howell) was still tripping him up. It clashed badly with the image he’d built of Phil in his mind from their interactions in the past year. Cool, aloof, distant. Phil always seemed to be at most only half there, not in a bad way but as if he had so much going on in his brilliant mind that he always seemed to be half in his own world. Not so now. His whole world seemed to be Daniel Howell these days. It was as if his thoughts had shifted orbit, and the centre of it all was one annoying little prick who had slithered himself into Phil’s life like a fungus, spreading and entrenching himself in every nook and cranny of Phil’s existence.

***

Charlie knew he was staring a bit, but he didn’t really give a damn. He’d be loath to admit it, but after bearing witness to Phil’s completely unexpected infatuation face to face, he’d grown curious. Having finally met the infamous danisnotonfire in the flesh, he still didn’t get it.

Of course, seeing as the alternative was looking at Phil’s stupidly smitten face, he might as well keep trying to suss out what the hell it was about this boy that had Phil Lester of all people so intensely, unbearably focused on the here and now. Well… on him really.

Phil’s eyes were glued to Dan, he kept touching him even when their positions made it awkward or contrived, and Dan looked quietly joyous about it - they sat far too close, conspicuously leaving half the sofa empty; Phil kept poking him to get his attention, not that he needed to as Dan seemed just as keen not to ever take his eyes off Phil as Phil seemed about him; Dan straightened out Phil’s shirt collar at one point, apropos of nothing, and had pretended to punch him when Phil made a ‘your mum’ joke. They were disgustingly cute, yeah, but he still didn’t see it. Dan seemed so… ordinary.

***

“Is Phan real?” he laughed a bit at that.

He’d been tempted to reveal that, once or twice. More than once or twice if he was being honest. But he still did like Phil, still respected him, still felt compelled not to disappoint him, and he’d fucked up enough already.

Phil deserved better.

Even if he insisted on saddling himself with people who weren’t good enough for him.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna answer that. Why not?” he said, sarcastically.

He swallowed the answer and changed the subject.

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